Writing: One single sharp character moment · 6:09pm Aug 24th, 2014
In the latest write-off, There were several outstanding stories that worked pretty smoothly from start to finish, like "Listen", "Fall", 'Final Resting Place", and "Spring Cleaning". But my favorite moment was in a story that I otherwise didn't like, "Rain" by M1Garand8:
Luna joined her sister in the action. “At the cost of his life… The line was faltering and was on the verge of routing but he stood and led the counter charge that routed the enemy…”
“‘I— We don’t want to be food!’”
Luna sniffed. “It could have been more eloquent.”
Blueblood's line may have been meant this to be funny, and it is. But it's also, perhaps accidentally, totally honest in a way that's rare in fiction. A story where Blueblood was a hero might have him say, "We will not be food!" A story where he was a coward might have him accidentally lead a victorious counter charge by running away in the wrong direction.
But that single image of Blueblood, more upset by the threat to his vanity than the threat to his life, finally so terrified that he turns around and does something heroic almost against his will, is the kind of moment I look for in fiction. He's not "reformed", not become any kind of storybook hero, and motivated by ignoble reasons, but still finds in himself the capacity to do something no one imagined he could do. It cuts through all the storybook bullshit about good guys and bad guys and shows an actual flawed heart dealing as best it can with a terrible situation. I realize that may not have been the author's intent. But it's still the single moment I recall most vividly out of all the stories in the contest.
OH MY GOD
OH MY GOD I WON THE WRITEOFF I CAN'T
I have to admit I liked Blueblood's line, but it didn't really stick with me as well as you. None of the final words glued themselves into my substantially leaky memory, but I really liked "Listen" a lot.
Your analysis is eloquent and certainly adds to the story. I was clued into this point by the 'I' in “‘I— We don’t want to be food!’”, but it could have used a bit more analysis on my part. Thanks for thinking for me.
FWIW, I was disappointed that ...but whose? didn't fare better (I actually gave it a 9). I thought the ending was hilarious (Dash's immense ego strong enough to repel the siren call of a god's omnipotent presence) and tense/dramatic (Dash's resistance bringing the others back to themselves in a moment of crisis), and the story as a whole was well-though-out.
I wasn't overfond of the rest of that story, but I liked that moment for exactly the reason you gave - it revealed a lot of character in a single line.
2397246
Well done!
2397664
Yeah, ...but whose was really underrated, but I think the problem was that a lot of people just didn't get what was going on, even though it was reasonably clear to me.
Rainbow Dash's ego saving Equestria is wonderful.
2398299
Oh, so she prevailed against the Eater? Cool!
You might say that the Eater
BIT OFF MORE THAN IT COULD CHEW
2398540
users.content.ytmnd.com/0/d/6/0d6fd46ff5e0dcd93cad4fda2bcb403f.jpg
This exchange is also very revealing of character for Celestia and Luna. They're putting his rallying cry into the history books lamenting that it wasn't more eloquent. They're not rewriting it. In human history, rewriting to a more eloquent form when available is de rigueur. Human history turns "I don't want to be food!" into "We will not be food!" as a matter of course.
I am prepared to concede this issue, on the grounds of superior logic, but the reason I argued the contrary is that that line did break me out of the story when I was reading it. Something about it didn't sit right.
Maybe there was something going on with the tone/humor of it feeling inappropriate?
2399413 I think the story wavered between dramatic and funny, rather than encompassing them both. It was also surrounded by hundreds of words of telling, Maybe M1Garand8 will enlighten us.
2399413
2400480
Well like I said in my post back in the Minific thread, I wanted Blueblood to say something kind of sad and maybe heroic. But that wasn't really him, even after supposedly changing for the better. My impression was that anything that comes out of his mouth are usually either something "funny" or "inappropriate". That "I-- We" was the compromise I made to show the little change he had under the influence of his wife. The idea I had for him was that he was all lovey-dovey to Cloud Swirl but still kind of a dick to everyone else (though a vast improvement to his previous attitude).
2402498 Well, yes, then. You got the effect you wanted. I liked it.
2402546
Uh, thanks I guess?
2402768
Roger Zelazny wrote of being fascinated with "the bad parts of good men and the good parts of bad men." A singularly elegant, eloquent and perceptive phrase, and apposite in this case.
I've recently begun to extend this into a theory of character development: that characters are more interesting if their vices are somehow connected to their virtues, and vice versa. I suppose that's influenced by something I think Oscar Wilde said (I can't locate the quote), about how if people now dead whom the world though virtuous, could look on what ultimately came of their works, then they would be filled with moral horror, while those whom the world thought vicious would be filled with solemn joy.
I guess Eliot summed it up best:
Think
Neither fear nor courage saves us. Unnatural vices
Are fathered by our heroism. Virtues
Are forced upon us by our impudent crimes.
These tears are shaken from the wrath-bearing tree.
(And I hope some day to write a story worthy of the title "The Wrath-Bearing Tree.")
2404424
Isn't that the sequel to "The Giving Tree"?