It's Been A Little Bit, Let's Talk... · 7:59am Aug 16th, 2014
Huge post down below. I'm basically splattering nearly everything I thought the moment I heard the news of Robin Williams. We'll see if I finish this or not. I'm kind of winging it.
Let's talk about depression and suicide.
I lamented the possibility of Robin William's dying a few years ago, when I was hanging with a group of buddies and one of those random questions dispersed among the group when you run out of things to talk about, but find it too awkward to shift the focus to yourself. I remember saying that Robin Williams was my favorite actor, since Mrs. Doubtfire was practically a movie that I rewatched as a child over and over, and also the movie that somewhat conveyed my life. Divorced parents that practically fought through endless court battles in order to have the kids was a running theme of my life. I practically wore out my Game Boy Color with the amount of hours that I had to sit in the back seat as I was driven from house to house, or ignored in favor of the spouse. I had a little sister that had no idea what was happening, and merely went through the motions.
Depression permeated both sides of my family. My father was adept at holding it in. My mother, not so much. There always seemed to be a lack of energy in the house or room, whenever I was at their house. The rent was paid, I was fed and brought to school, but to say that the intricacies of my childhood, especially the years I am supposed to remember are gone, is an understatement.
Perhaps this is a good thing to point out. I've never been diagnosed with depression. I've went to therapists, but never tried testing myself for it. So maybe this is just the wild antics of a mind that feels like it has to get something off of its chest. Nevertheless, let's continue.
Depression is a disease. I've heard many talk about it in this way, and it couldn't be closer to the truth. The worst part about it is the fact that it's in the mind. I believe that diseases that affect the mind are probably the worst of all. Depression affects your logic. It affects your ability to reason and predict, especially things in your favor. It affects your memory. I am desperate to catch the youtube upload of the Crossovers Panel at Bronycon just so that I can remember what I said. Choice phrases and memories of that amazing weekend are slowly ebbing away the more I try to recollect them.
Depression is a self-fulfilling prophecy, and there's nothing worse than that. All of the side effects are fine tuned and made to bring you down to Robin's level. From just a bad day to a traumatic event, the capabilities of your brain to turn "let's give it a try" into "nevermind" are astoundingly high. And it really doesn't help when you could have others pushing you there, from parents to lovers to school bullies.
It's a self-fulfilling prophecy because of all these side effects, they breed fodder for that terrible choice. Low self esteem, tiredness, memory loss, hesitance to accept challenges or goals, and those are just the ones that I feel. Why bother living if you aren't worth it? Why bother living if you have nothing to remember, or won't have anything within a day or so? Why bother living if you don't have a goal, if you're just skating through life doing the bare minimum?
That's the insanity of it.
There's nothing logical about questioning your own existence because you think you aren't worth it. Minus the few outliers that we know probably exist, someone is of worth to another someone. And to those who think that they are that outlier, you aren't. You just aren't. I immediately know that I'm of worth to my friends and family, and I'm sure a significant amount of you. And that doesn't even include a very important fact: You don't have to be of worth to live. You don't need things to remember, or goals in order to live.
But herein lies another problem.
Maybe it's just me, but if I wasn't of worth, didn't have anything to remember, or didn't have any goals, I wouldn't consider myself living. A living coma perhaps, but not living. That's where the self-esteem attacks you, and that's probably one of the easiest ways for the poison to spread. Almost anything could affect your self-esteem and throw you into the prophecy. It doesn't have to be logical. It doesn't have to be consistent, or true. It just has to exist.
And it does. With depression, this broken mindset is a pill that many have to swallow, and possibly accept. Some feel that their minds are broken or damaged because of depression, and despite this sounding cliche, I'll say that a depressed mind is not broken, it's just simply different. It takes more work, more stubbornness and at the same time, more acceptance in all of the right areas. It takes more willpower.
Everything negative is easier with depression. It's easier to get frustrated, sad, give up, hate, sleep too much or too long, and set unrealistic expectations that knock you into a self-loathing pit the moment you fail.
I could never fault Robin Williams for his choice, no matter how much pain it brings to the world and his family. I could never fault someone for succumbing to the poison of depression, considering I almost did the same a few times before. There is nothing cowardly about suicide. Sometimes, things never get better. Sometimes, you never actually get closure. And sometimes, there isn't a good ending. Some choose the bad one, but that doesn't mean that you have to.
I'll end on a happier note. Man is a social creature. They enjoy spreading their ideas and feelings with others, usually despite depression's poison. For those of you who wonder what you should do if you see that someone is depressed, just remember a few things.
1. They picked you, out of all their possible choices, in order to stay in their circle. You have the capability to bring a smile to their faces, and do not think that the work is for naught just because the smile may disappear with haste. Bronycon might be a blur, but I still remember CyborgSamurai's present. Or hugging Jake The Army Guy. Or enjoying Fucking is Magic with all my friends. The list goes on...
2. Don't force help onto someone, even if you feel that it might be for the best. But at the same time, please be wary and know when to step in and out of situations. You can be of help, but also don't be a superhero. There are professionals for a reason, and they are usually trustworthy and more equipped for these problems than you.
3. Just being someone to talk to can really go a long way. You don't even have to say anything. Just be there. Be a friend and listen. It goes a long way.
And for those who are depressed:
1. If you really want to do it, try it anyway. Even if you fuck up, the mere fact that you tried really helps your self-esteem. And fight it. Please, for the love of Celestia fight those thoughts. Nothing good comes of them. There is no solace in accepting something that is not true.
2. There is no solace in death. Live for her. Life for him. Live for them, or it, or the best choice: you. Live for you, don't be a dick, and life will be amazing. I promise.
3. I'm right there with you, still going strong.
4. If you take pills for your depression, you are not weak, or hopeless, or anything negative. People take vitamins, and MAO inhibitors are practically vitamins for the mind. It's that simple.
That's all I got, until next time,
Vicodin
Thanks you for writing this.
Very deep and thought provoking. There is one point I'd voice my disagreement with, but I'll refrain from saying it.
Regardless, this blog was interesting and gave me something to think about.
Just remember that your life is precious. Even if you don't think so, there is someone else who will disagree with you. Be strong, fight hard, and never surrender.
You are the fuckin' man, Vicodin. When I see you again, I am going to hug the absolute shit out of you.