Mother was rejected · 3:27am Aug 12th, 2014
I submitted Mother to Twilight's library it was rejected. Here is the rejection. I'm a bit... upset about it... Maybe I should take a break.
Rejecting Mother
Read: chapter 1
Proofing was fine apart from "Golden Oaks library" needing a capital 'L' and a sentence-starting 'for' near the end of one of the earlier paragraphs needing to be capitalized.
However, to understand the problem I have with this story, we will need to examine the facts as shown by the prologue:
1) Luna is banished to the moon
2) Celestia wakes up after the battle heavily wounded, but still instantly teleports from the infirmary to the moon
3) Celestia finds Luna there in more or less her right mind.
4) Luna has somehow given birth to a foal on the moon while Celestia was unconscious without Celestia knowing Luna was pregnant
5) Celestia takes the foal with her and teleports back to Equestria
6) The foal loses its pegasus and earth pony magic during recovery and is growth-blocked for 1,000 years.
>Canon: Celestia waits 1,000 painful years for her sane sister to come back from the moon without visiting or any communication whatsoever
7) Several years before NMM, the foal magically starts growing
8) NMM happens. Canon occurs, likely at least into season 2.
> the story starts here
9) Luna enters on good terms with Celetia
10) Celestia: Luna, remember the foal I took from you right after your banishment?
11) Luna(crying): Oh, right, I told you to take care of it for me.
12) Celestia: well, it turned out to be Twilight Sparkle.
13) Luna: Oh joy! Let's go see her!
While I am irreverently paraphrasing the conversation for emphasis, that was more or less the substance I gathered from this prologue. If it comes as a surprise that I am rejecting this on substance, I shall elaborate further:
First: how could Celestia not notice Luna was going to have a foal? Even assuming temporary blindness, why wouldn't NMM trade on that vulnerability in their battle? "You wouldn't attack an expectant mother, would you?" Why would Luna even start the scrap in the first place if she's putting her child at risk?
Second: If Celestia can simply teleport to the moon and interact with Luna, why does Luna remain on the moon for a thousand years? Even assuming that she's magically bound, if Celestia saw Luna in that much pain, why have the two not at least kept in touch? The story implies Luna was Luna on the moon. Even if she was shortly overcome by NMM, would Celestia not go back to rescue her sister? She can get there and back easily enough, and she certainly would have the motive.
Third: Even assuming Celestia had some reason for staying away, how are they this close still? Why would Luna not call Celestia on abandoning her? Why hasn't Luna brought her foal up in private conversation before now? It seems from the narrative that this is full-power Luna, so she has had at least a year to do so. A mother who is suddenly joyful that her foal is alive would only be so happy because she had once mourned its death. Would she not want to see the grave or something? The timing of this conversation is unbelievable given how cordially the two were acting during the prologue. Yes, there is a bit of "do I actually hate my sister?" in the beginning, but the fact that that is still an open question a year after it should have come up only makes it worse.
Fourth: the whole thousand years' stasis business for Twilight is convenient. Put with everything else, it only serves to highlight how contrived this whole situation is.
In summary: this alternate backstory has in no way been thought through. It exists as a flimsy excuse for the premise. I cannot take these circumstances seriously.
I'd also like to note that the whole dynamic between Celestia and Luna is dark. At every turn, we are reminded of how Luna is Celestia's baby sister, emphasis on baby. Luna has no agency whatsoever. She comes in to cheer Celestia up, sits patiently while Celestia reminds her that she had a foal, she sheds some tears only after this reminder, and then brightens right up after her older sister reveals that she has been hiding Luna's 'dead' daughter from her for several years. Would naive joy be any sane person's reaction in those circumstances? Sure, you would be happy to have your daughter again, but why has it taken this long for the truth to come out?
Luna is as ancient as Celestia. She may have been out of commission for some time, but that does not rob her of her wants, needs, or especially her ability to act on her own initiative to meet those needs. She is not a baby no matter how sentimental the pair might be towards one another. If she truly loves her daughter, she would never have gone along with these events. A single question or quiet search through the crypts would have been enough to unravel this whole prologue. Celestia would have had to actively keep Luna from the truth, which means this prologue ends with the revelation of a loved one's betrayal, not a joyful romp to meet your long lost daughter.
I admit ther are some holes in your story but I bet they could be explained later. and Luna hiding the foal. Look to heir to Nightmare. Illusion.
But okay it's this groups lost. this is still a good story.
Wow. Who ever told you that was imo WAY too rough in the way they wrote, and imo they had no right to be that way, there was not even anything helpful, they just said' this is what we don't like, getgud'. Agin, this is what I think about that.
They've rejected everything I ever submitted to them, and never explained why even when asked directly. And I don't think my writing is all that bad. Eventually, I just stopped submitting to them.
While I have to agree with them in regards to the background story, I really think they could have done this in a more positive/helpful manner. Oh well, there are lots of other (more accepting) groups in this site you can go to.
Seems to me this group is almost as bad as Equestria Daily.
Wouldn't it be funny to have Simon from American Idol read this?
It shouldn't have been so harshly worded, but it does make some sense. All it would take is a little re-working of the previous idea, though. I would hate to see you give up on this story, as I think it has a really interesting idea.
I understand how you feel though, but I don't think I would even take it this well, lol...I have a tendency to beat myself up over stuff like this. Don't be like me!
Try working on another project or something? Maybe then you could get your mojo back for this one. :)
I do say They could have been easier In their criticisms, but they are accurate on several points unfortunately.
While it is interesting in premise, the logic standpoint of it is quite confusing. It could be redone slightly to flow better
I don't care what that group said your story is the most heart-warming story I have EVER read on this website and that is saying something considering I have reads some very uplifting stories. I agree with the others who commented on this. I don't judge based on the first chapter I read all that is written then I judge and I usually LIKE what I read. Also this is a FICTION story it doesn't have to make sense right away. So there were holes so what. This story has the potential to rival the story of "My Little Dashie" Ignore those elitests who demand perfection. We are not Writers for Hasbro for Celestia's sake. We write these stories to SHOW our love of the T.V. show MLP FIM and we want to share our imagination with other bronies/pegasisters. Simply put we do this for fun don't forget that.
Don't be discouraged
They might have a point there somewhere, could have been a little less harsh with the criticism though. Doesn't change the fact though that we love the story, just look at the stats for it, nearly 1k likes with around 30 to 1 ratio.
I say fuck them
Everything they pointed out is a legitimate claim. But so what? You're human, and you can always get better. Besides, you LOVE your story, and so do a ton of your fans. Its got problems, and its got holes, but that doesn't mean it's not enjoyable.
Just take this as it is; a sign that you should never get complacent with your abilities, or your life, and that you should always shoot to improve yourself beyond your wildest dreams. Don't give up on Mother, but also don't disregard their claims. Just... use it as motivation to improve.
You can do it. I have faith in you.
2363504
This person, and by extension the person who rejected the submission, are correct. I disagree with their stance on Luna and Celestia's interpersonal relationship - they seem to be one of those "Luna is better than Celestia" sorts from the tone. But as for the events in the story and the background...everything they said is true.
Perhaps sit down with a friend and bounce ideas off of them on how to improve the story? Patch up those glaring plotholes and the like.
I hate to say it, but all these claims are legitimate. But don't stop writing. You know what they say, practice makes perfect. Maybe write a few one-shots, and slowly work your way up to longer stories. Maybe even do a rewrite of Mother eventually.
Meh, so put it in other groups who aren't going out of their way to insult and degrade you. I'm curious as to what stories successfully make it in if Mother got rejected or is this another of those groups that only accept beyond professional works. It is one thing to hold off on grammar or spelling but it's another to tell an author their story is wrong. Doing that is unacceptable.
Really? You asked us if we wanted it? WE DID! We want more of it!
EDIT: Also, sometimes it's fun for the reader to answer the plot holes. Look at the stuff in MLP? The whole reason the fanfiction community exists is to play with the ideas(AND PLOT HOLES) and see what crazy stuff we can come up with.
Hmm.. Those are good points actually. A good summary of why I was a little confused by the story.
And unless you don't write yourself into the corner and actually manage to explain every plot point in the next chapters, I will almost completely agree with the review. Although I am really interested in the story and would love for it not only to be good, but also to be consistent and to make sense,
And we shouldn't foget that element of magic don't see that she is under illusion spell. She would have to be blind not to find that.
Even if those are problems with the story. I still love the story and can't wait to see more of it. I like seeing stories of Luna being Twilight's mother. It's their loss.
Don' entirely disregard the advice, since I do occasionally see errors when I read anything and it's always helpful to fix them; however, the part about it being a flimsy AU should be taken with a big can o' salt. The AU is only as flimsy or strong as the reader can be immersed, and I'm willing to bet the reviewer didn't get very into the story at all.
This is why the term suspension of disbelief is a thing after all: the more you get into a story, the more believable and real it feels.
I rather like "Mother". They may be some minor plot holes, but those are on par with the show itselft so its no biggie.