Chapter 32 Excerpt: Regarding Exit Wound · 6:37am Jul 29th, 2014
As much as she approved of her lackeys all calling her ‘boss,’ this wasn’t entirely true. Exit Wound wasn’t truly THE boss of the Sicklefin Gang. Not its founder, and certainly not its capo di tutti capi, (to steal the phrase those garlic-gargling Bitalian mafiosi were so fond of.) No, THE Sicklefin Boss was Exit Wound’s aunt, who was still busy managing the bulk of the Sicklefin power, way back home in the Emerald Isles.
Exit, herself, was just one of the underbosses.
Originally, Exit had been sent here to Equestria to spearhead a certain business venture on her aunt’s behalf, (which Exit was still doing, to this day.) And it was here, in Equestria, that Honeydew had made her fateful entrance into Exit’s life. One thing had led gradually to another, and they had come up with this mad, daring, unreal wondrous scheme. A scheme that would at last bring true greatness to the Sicklefin, and especially to Exit Wound’s name.
The life of a career criminal was one statistically guaranteed to be brought to a sudden and violent end, long before anything remotely resembling natural causes could kick in, (unless you were sentenced to life imprisonment.) Exit had often thought about how she’d be brought down. Maybe one of her penthouses would get bombed while she was asleep in it. Maybe she’d get shot in the back of the head while slugging down booze at a bar. Maybe it’d be a killer from the Barracuda Cartel, maybe somepony from the Unagi Clan from Neighpon, maybe some backstabbing Sicklefin, maybe even a cop. Regardless, no one would care. One less criminal in the world.
Exit Wound didn’t want to just be ‘one less criminal.’ She wanted to be a big shot for all time. Even if she was doomed not to live forever like those stinking alicorns did, at least her NAME could be immortal.
Just like Bellerophon Michealides.
Word had it that there’d briefly been some second man called ‘Gus,’ living in Ponyville. Briefly. But now there was definitely only one human -- ONE!!! -- existing in this world. Celebrated, famous, adored, and connected all the way up to the top. A living legend who Exit could tell would continue to remain legendary 900,000 years after some taxidermist had stuffed him up and put his oh-so-unique carcass on display in a museum next to all the dinosaur skeletons for the rugrats to gawk at.
And she’d be the one to kill him. The world’s one and only human: NO other copycat killer would be able to copy THAT killing! Bigger than the infamous mares who assassinated royalty! She’d be famous forever! They’d have A-list actresses playing her in the biopics, painstakingly recreating this very moment in time she was now living through! The world would mourn the human’s death forever, as they would mourn the death of some religious messiah, and curse Exit Wound’s name for equally as long... and when they did, she would just laugh and laugh at them all forevermore from her little corner of Hell.
But it wasn’t enough just to simply murder him. The criminal underworld was choked with professional killers like Exit’s aunt who would’ve been all: headshot between the eyes, collect payment, call it a day. Exit Wound sincerely prided herself on her sharpshooting, and she was more than capable of hitting a target’s brain or heart or any other vital you’d care to name. Especially when her heart wasn’t really into the job.
But that’d never been Exit Wound’s style.
One of the most satisfying kills she’d ever performed had been on a mare out in a lonely forest in Conneight, back on the Emerald Isles. She’d blasted the filly’s liver to smithereens. It had taken over an hour for the sad sack to croak, and Exit had spent that entire time taunting the mare relentlessly from a few yards away while she tried uselessly to stop herself from bleeding to death, all while the toxins and poisons that her liver had been containing and nullifying spread throughout her body.
Absotively glorious.
If Exit’s aunt were here, she’d have told Exit to just snipe the human from the rooftop of a house adjacent to his home in the dead of night and get on with her life. Exit’s soulless stone of an aunt could go eat her own horn. A once-in-not-just-a-lifetime-but-once-and-probably-NEVER-AGAIN target like Lero Michealides didn’t warrant cold, impersonal professionalism like he was just another fat politician or something!
The biographers would all pay more attention to Honeydew, then!
No, a legend like Lero deserved a legendary extravaganza of a death. Shameful and agonizing, just the way Exit Wound loved them.
P.S.: It's not too late to submit your own Sicklefin to appear in Chapter 32. Click here!
Probably should have listened to her aunt...or not get involved at all.
A would-be Longinus. Well, the fact that I know his name proves her point (even if I only know it through Evangelion.) Still, she's clearly going to regret her Bond-villain tactics.
I am so ready for this new chapter. Hopefully we only need to wait a few more weeks.
THE FIDDLING AND THE DIDDLING MUST COME TO AN END!
Of course she is going to be famous...
As an example of what happens when the EOH, the princess and possibly Discord do when they get really pissed off.
A rabid dog.
A rabid dog must be put down.