The Critique's Review: A Haze in Equestria · 5:03pm Jul 16th, 2014
Warning: This review contains explicit content. Viewer discretion is advised.
Hello, everypony. I am the Critique.
Have you ever wondered what it would be like to have a seventh Element of Harmony on the show?
… Of course you haven’t. That would be stupid.
But, let’s just say for the sake of the argument, that you did decide to do one, how would you go about doing it? Well, how about making your character not only an Alicorn, not only falls in love with one of the major characters, not only gives off the best sex in the world, not only is the only hope Equestria has to stop a major threat, not only has a completely unlikeable personality and yet everypony wants to be with him, not only is the last of his kind, not only has more power than Discord and Celestia put together, but also… name him completely unrelated to the color of his body.
Put it together and what do you got?
That’s right! A piece of dogshit that has nothing to offer us whatsoever. This is A Haze in Equestria by SilverHaze
Unlike most of the stories I’ve reviewed in the past, this actually stars an OC pony/alicorn. Yes, I’m sure I’ll get into more of those kinds of characters down the road. But this is a combination of all the tropes that you are most likely to see in these kinds of stories. And I’ll be honest, it doesn’t do any of them interestingly or well.
We’ve got a lot of story to cover so let’s take a look.
The Calm warm rays of Celestia's sun beated down upon the grand floating paradise of Alicornia,
Oh, god. Another place that is as bad as Unicornicopia! I can only stand Mykan for so long!
Actually, this is the magical land of Alicornia, where all the alicorns reside.
The Alicorns that lived there were a peaceful and kind race, that thought that all problems could be solved with friendship,
Until of course, they discovered the machine gun.
The author explains how each of the floating islands are named after each of the magical elements of the world. Kindness, Generosity, Loyalty and so on. Which is … really stupid. I mean, why would you name each of your islands like that? Do you have an island where all the bad ponies go called “Naughty”?
God, that guy is creepy.
So, the author lets us know really early that we aren’t going to like this character. Like at all. No comparison whatsoever, the worst character in the story. The main character, Silver Haze.
Only one alicorn had ever been born to the island of Friendship, his name was Silver Haze.
Mostly because friendship was as far as anyone got in a relationship. If you love on the island of friendship, you were often stoned to death. Though I’m sure that’s not the only thing that was stoned, is it author?
He had a dark, raven black coat that simmered in the glistening moonlight. his long silky crimson red mane that made every other alicorn jealous, it waved defiantly in the wind of Alicornia.
Gee, I wonder if EVERY character is going to get the same descriptive treatment as our main character. I mean, the author wouldn’t honestly just play favorites with a single character and hope that the audience loves his character as much as he does, because you know, that’s how good writing works.
Haze was currently sitting in the Royal Banquet hall with his father (who wasn't really his dad because Alicorns just appear and are not born) the king of Alicornia, who took him as his son after he appeared on the island of Friendship.
Wait a minute! You just said that he was born! How did he just appear if he was born?! Did the sky pop him out her vagina?! What the fucking hell?! Consistency, you suck at it! It’s only the first fucking paragraph and already the story is disputing itself.
We are in for a wild ride, people!
Oh, and the king just picks him up as a child, for no reason at all. Now, you might be asking “Does it get explained later?” Ha, no! What? Did you think this would actually be a story that would try to give us something entertaining?! What gave you that idea?!
So, the king of Unicornicopia… Oh, sorry, Alicornia, begins a toast to his country and his son, the future king. But the celebration is cut short when a mysterious fog attacks the kingdom.
"SIR WE ARE UNDER ATTACK BY SOME WEIRD FOG!"
The king stood up and started shouting orders "EVERY ALICORN FIGHT BACK! DO NOT LOSE ALICORNIA!"
King: SHOOT IT WITH OUR GUNS AND STUFF!
Soldier: But, sire don’t you want information on it or something? You’re not even going to ask where it is and what is it doing?
King: DO NOT QUESTION ME, DAMN YOU! JUST START SHOOTING AT IT!
The next few minuets were disorienting for Silver Haze, it was a jumble of screams and orders, slowly, the strange fog creatures were taking Alicornia, the news came slowly.
Oh, my god. This is the third week in a row that the fight scenes have been terrible! I know I’m not the best at fight scenes (Fantastic Four and Incredible Flutterhulk are prime examples), but come on! Show, don’t tell! Show us the fight! Explain what the hell is going on! Don’t just say “there was fighting and shit”! That doesn’t work!
Shameless self-promoting, sir? For shame.
Shut up.
"Sir! We just lost contact with Knowledge!"
Oh, trust me; you lost contact with them a loooong time ago. By the way, Knowledge? I don’t remember that being an Element of Harmony.
Laughter's Core was just destroyed!
Oh, my laughing core was destroyed by that last sentence, let me tell you.
The cloud continues to do damage to Alicornia as King Crown hopes to rally his troops.
King Crow began rationing what additional forces he had left.
Oh… My mistake, I thought you were King Crown. Apparently, this is his twin brother, King Crow, who looks exactly like him. Crow demands to know how many of his forces are left. One of the alicorns responses with details of the attack. Well, I say details, but it’s really just information we already know, with nothing about the fog or anything else.
The King doesn’t take it well, since his question wasn’t answered.
King crown growled in anger. " I said...how many troops do I have left."
Wait, where did King Crow go?! I thought he was asking how many troops they had. Did King Crow decide to ditch Alicornia?
Sir, if I may, I believe that King Crown and King Crow are the same character.
Oh, what do you know? It’s clear that King Crow is the better character.
The Alicorn Warmonger frowned. "Not many sir, We have a few Honesty Warmachines left.
Huh? I wonder what they use “Honesty Warmachines” for?
You better give me the honest truth! Will I save money by switching to Geico?!
Kindness spear troopers have been sent over to try and hold the capital.
How do you “kindly” stab someone with a long pointy stick?
Um.. is it okay if I stab you repeatedly with my spear, spilling your guts all over the floor? I mean, if it’s not, that’s okay.
Besides, what good would a spear do against a freaking cloud?!
The Wise Alicorn king sighed, looking over the scale model battlefield set up in front of him.
This was not good.
He still had no idea how the battlefield model was set up in mere minutes. Frankly, he’s still depressed with his nation’s tactics against a gas like entity.
"I want you to open a hole in the fog, big enough so my son may retreat...he is the perfect one of our pepole...and he will be the one to carry on my great legacy."
He’s better than everypony that has ever existed since the dawn of any pony, ever! This pony who we know absolutely nothing about except that he is great, he is to be worshiped and good lord, this story is dumb!
The soldier rides off to take his son. We then see the king glancing at an image of the two daughters that betrayed his country.
"Help my son...my little sun and moon."
So, obviously, since he’s so important to this nation, the son retreats to Equestria. He finds his way to Ponyville where he tries to communicate with one of the locals. However, he freaks out after discovering that not everyone in Ponyville is an alicorn. He starts to panic and accidently knocks himself out.
"Shocked, I turned and took flight, but the pony started chasing me, I realized there weren't any alicorns, some only had wings or horns, or nothing at all! I began to worry, what was this place!?!?! Suddenly I landed and began to weave my way through the street, but I bumped into something, it was a pony but this one was purple and an alicorn!!!
Yes, gently crashing into a pony and lightly bumping my head onto the ground, somehow, knocks me out. I’m the future of my race!
We then cut back to the king, who is making a last stand against the fog. He is overloading the core of Friendship and begins talking to members of his council.
After telling them to prepare themselves, the King starts to think about what was most important to him in his last moments.
He thought of his son
I sure hope he doesn’t get knocked out in a completely stupid and non-funny way. That would be the only way our race would die out.
He thought of his kingdom
We really have stupid names for our islands. Also, I never got to eat at that Chinese restaurant.
He thought of his daughters.
Damn it! Luna owes me money! Damn you-!
So, he wakes up in the library, where Princess Twilight Sparkle watches over him
Hey, I just noticed something, in these types of stories OC’s get taken in by one of the main characters, even though they know absolutely nothing about them. And these characters are often injured, but of course, the main characters would never do something sensible like TAKING THEM TO A HOSPITAL!
Anyway, Silver Haze asks how he got here, and Twilight explains that she brought him here after he passed out.
"yes, where am I?" I said to her.
"you are in my library" the purple alicorn said
"i'm Silver Haze, the prince of Alicornia, or, what WAS Alicornia" I said sadably
Sadably? Really? …
…
…
Okay, time for a drink.
Okay, let’s continue with something I need to touch up on. The dialogue. Seriously, this is some awkward and weak dialogue. They just introduce themselves without any substance to it. There is no reason Twilight should trust this guy or anything he has to say.
"because you can only be an alicorn by doing special things" said Twilight.
"wow, in alicornia, everyone is born an alicorn" I said
NOBODY IS BORN AN ALICORN! ALICORNS JUST APPEAR! THAT IS WHAT YOU SAID! ACCORDING TO YOUR OWN FUCKING CONTINUITY, ALICORNS JUST APPEAR OUT OF THIN AIR! THIS STORY IS STUPID!
So, anyway, the rest of the characters walk in and they just can’t stop complimenting on how great Silver Haze is and how fantastic he looks and how he is so much better than anypony else.
"umm.. i'm fluttershy" she said, looking at the tall, handsome red and black alicorn she suddenly had a strange atraction to.
"howdy twahlahght" said the orange anti-alicorn. the anti-alicorn walked to silver haze. "why arn't you a handsome feller" she said
"i'm Rainbow Dash, nice wings" she said
You know, author, the more you try to convince me that you are so much better than everyone else, the more I think you are just a jealous 13-year old who is angry at the world because the world doesn’t worship you like you think it should. And possibly, that you like a fictional character a little too much.
Also, another thing I would like to comment on, the formatting! Dear lord, you can’t tell from these little tidbits that I’m giving you, so let me show you what I mean.
Just then a pony with no horn or wings.. an anti-alicorn, walked into the door "howdy twahlahght" said the orange anti-alicorn. the anti-alicorn walked to silver haze. "why arn't you a handsome feller" she said "thanks, but i'm not the best looking pony in the world" i said, being modest. the anti-alicorn waled to twilight "so twahlahght, i was hoping to get a book grom yew" she said, when another pony came into the door, it was the pony from earlier, the one with no horn. she had a rainbow mane.
Dear lord, a new paragraph should start every time a new character starts talking! Were you even trying at this point?! Or did you decide that you had gotten so much flame for the story that you decided to forego all effort all together?! Please, do yourself a favor! Either stop writing or get an editor! There are tons of websites and places where you can ask others to proofread your story to fix problems like this! For God’s sake, use them!
Ugh… and it only gets worse from here, people. It only gets worse from here.
Silver Haze explains that a group of cloud monsters attacked his city and destroyed it. Twilight and her friends wonder what they can do to help. Silver Haze basically tells them since most of them aren’t alicorns, none of them would have been much help.
Oh, good. Now he’s racist. Let’s add that to the list of things I despise about him.
Spike walks into the room and-
"DRAGON!!!" I yelled!
Oh, my god! We are trying to add Spike into the story! This is MLP Fanfic’s greatest sin! Somepony kick Spike out of the story! Kick him out of the story!
Ah… crisis averted.
The story explains that Silver Haze has a phobia of dragons, because of an event that will have no relevance to the plot whatsoever, but Twilight explains that Spike is harmless. Why was this placed into the story? … I have no idea. I guess, in the author’s mind, it’s supposed to serve as a ‘flaw’ to his character to make him not a Mary-Sue, but come on! This is a really, really weak flaw! A flaw should cripple the hero, showing how weak they can truly be!
If he really had a phobia for dragons, he would be cowering in a corner and would not listen to rational arguments made by the others. But no, instead of him progressively learning to trust Spike throughout the course of the story, slowly overcoming his fear of dragons, he instantly trusts Spike and is instantly over his fear.
Fuck! This! Story!
Anyway, Spike explains that he had received a letter from Princess Celestia saying that she wants to meet their strange visitor.
I nodded my head and got up slowly, I almost fell over but Twilight let me lean on her to regain my balence.
I can’t walk straight! Can’t fight anything! And am easily knocked out by lightly bumping my head into something! I’m the best alicorn that ever lived!
*Far across the sea*
A group of dragons were flying across the sea when they saw a giant fog cloud block their way. Not even thinking about it,
they flew inside it...
And were never seen again.
Wow… this would be actually quite terrifying… If I actually gave a shit… Seriously?! What was the point of that scene?! We never saw the dragons! We never got to know any of them! They are never going to matter at the end of this! So seriously, what was this even about?! Was this to remind us that the fog is still out there! News flash, anyone who has read this story up to this point already knows that! GOD, I HATE THIS STORY!
The train ride was really quick taking only ten minutes to get to canterlot,
God, maybe it is only a thirty minute walk to Canterlot.
nothing happen except for when I talked to the Mane 6 a bit more but not about anything important.
I would say ‘show, don’t tell’ here, but there are two very good reason why I am not. Number 1: It would probably fall on deaf ears. Number 2: It would make the story that much longer and trust me 9000 words of torment is 9001 words too long.
So, I guess there is some kind of relationship being built between Silver Haze and Twilight Sparkle, not that we are ever shown that, with the author telling us-
Twilight started acting really weird though, she didn't look at me when I tried to talk to her,
What kind of a conversation are you having?! What are you talking about?! Show, don’t- oh, fuck it all! Let’s just finish this story as quickly as possible.
They enter Celestia’s palace where they are greeted by the princess.
"Hello Elements, have you brought the alicorn here?"
… I guess, the heroes don’t get names anymore. Yeah, that makes sense! I mean, Celestia has only known them for three or more seasons and has connected with them through their learning lessons about friendship! Yeah, I could see how she only connects to them with their element to protect her kingdom! That’s all they are to her! Objects! Objects for her to use whenever she pleases!
That’s why they don’t need names, people! Even though one of them is her close personal student who she has known for years, that’s why they don’t have names!
Make sense, right?!
So, yeah, Celestia asks how Silver Haze is and he explains where he comes from and what happened to his kingdom.
Celestia seemed saddened by this "Well, that is unfortunate...still thank you,
For fleeing like a coward and being absolutely useless. You’re the only hope for your race!
Luna then appears and Silver Haze and Luna instantly recognize each other. We then cut to a flashback where Luna and Silver Haze were apparently best friends.
"We should get married some day!" Silver looked over in shock.
"Ewww! No way, you have cooties!" Luna gave him a light hit on the sholder.
"Not right now dumb-dumb, I mean some day, when we're older!!!" Silver thought this over for a second then smiled.
"Sure! We could have a big party! And invite all our friends!!!" Luna nodded also smiling.
… Last! Sentence! You just said that you didn’t want to get married, last sentence! You can’t even keep your consistency for more than a sentence! But the author clearly doesn’t care about this story, why should I?!
So, anyway, Luna and Silver Haze hug after the flashback where they promised to love each other forever, and Silver Haze realized why they are so familiar.
Wait a minute, I just thought of something… Isn’t Celestia and Luna daughters of the king of Alicornia? The same alicorn who is the father of Silver Haze?
Great, now we can add incest to the list of reasons why I hate this story!
Silver Haze asks why Celestia and Luna are in Equestria, and Celestia explains that Alicorns are naturally racist against non-alicorns and that she left that life behind to care for those in Equestria.
Why? Because… um… because… the god’s demanded it? Why can’t you go deeper into this?! This is actually a fascinating aspect of the story! I want to know more about this! … Wow, I’d never thought I’d say those words to this story.
But nope, instead we get a dumbass, forced as hell, love triangle! Because we’ve never seen those before!
"I nodded quickly, noticing that luna was still hugging me." I told her to please let go and she did with a blush, suddenly she got an idea.
Notice where the quotation marks are? This just convinces me that the character is clearly insane and is misinterpreting everything the characters say when they say that they love, when in reality, they despise him as much as I do!
Can I read about that story, please?!
So, Luna invites Silver Haze to follow her to the observatory. But… uh oh! Twilight wants to take him to Joe’s Doughnut Shop!
I smell completely forced, love triangle hilarity!
"Uhh mares?" I said, getting pulled one way by Luna and the other by Twilight.
Oh, god! Are we finally going to see what happens when a Wookie loses?!
"The observitory"
"Pony Joe's!"
"The ovservitory!!!"
"pony Joe's!!!"
Spell check? Pfft… what the fuck is that?
So, before somepony, like me, can get a chainsaw to give Twilight and Luna what they want, Celestia calms them down. She explains that the fog that is making its way to Equestria is more important.
Finally, a pony with some common sense! Celestia, you are my new favorite pony!
Sudenly I heard a voice in my head "Lisen Silver Haze, I lost my sister to hatred and anger 1000 years ago, if you hurt her in any way I will personaly send you to the sun. Am I clear?"
I’m not sure how Celestia is able to speak to him telepathically, but who cares! She’s still more sensible and better than every character in this story put together! Hell, I’m surprised she wasn’t seen wielding a sword and riding a dinosaur!
That’s how badass she is right now!
So, they allow Silver Haze to stay in Canterlot and to have his own room. As he starts to rest for the night, Luna comes to visit him. Oh, great. I forgot about the love triangle shit! Can we go back to Celestia?! I want to see more of her, please!
"Greatings Silver, would you like to go to my room and play some games?" I smiled and nodded, she sqeed with glee of finaly having somepony to play with.
Oh, dear lord! What kind of sick twisted games are you playing with her?! Celestia, send him to the sun quick!
We went back to her room and we played some games like chess and checkers
Oh, god. I thought we were going to have something suggestive here. Phew… dodged a bullet there.
After it got dark, Luna sugested we play a more fun game for the time.
And I’m not wrong on that either. Luna starts a drinking game with him, which results in them having sex… Dear lord.
And of course, he has to go into detail how big he is and how he does her and dear lord, somebody get me some brain bleach! And lots of it!
And then he falls asleep in the middle of it. I guess, Luna’s a bit out of practice.
… No… I didn’t mean it…
I am so getting sent to the sun. Of course, I won’t be alone, will I, Silver?
And then we get an author’s note, explaining the poor spelling and grammar. Oh, did I forget to mention that? There’s a ton of it, if you haven’t noticed already.
Anyway, I got a message that said that I needed an editor, so I got my friend to edit this, how did he do?
And that’s the nicest way I can put that.
Anyway, after a night of moonlighting, Silver Haze wakes up and starts his day, and now we show one of the biggest problems with this story. I’m going to show you two different sentences in this chapter and see if you can spot it.
i got up from my bed and went to the door, i peeked back at luna who was sleeping peacfuly in her bed. my head suddenly hurt from all the booze we drank last night, I felt strange and happy and sads all at the time same, I left for the bahroom where I would wash out my face and put cold water on myself and I sighed.
Silver Haze could only suddenly feel sadder about how his home was gone but he had to look forward he remembered the day Luna and Celetia left the floying island and left him there with his father who was sad but got over it and everyone called them trateres because when they left they took the Tree of harmony with them which was part of the island of Frendship and was very important and made lots of the alicorns very angry.
Now, besides being both run on sentences. Both having terrible spelling and grammar and both being poorly written, but what a huge problem with these sentences?
Can’t figure it out? They are two different perspectives of writing! The first one is in a first person perspective and the other is a third person! Good god, you can’t even keep a consistent perspective in your narrative! This wouldn’t be so bad if it was done well, but this makes it feel like Silver Haze and the main character are two separate people! It is confusing as hell! If you want to make it in first person, fine! But pick one narrative! Don’t combined the two unless you know how to! And trust me, you don’t know how!
So, he goes off to breakfast where he meets with Celestia. Celestia seems to know that something was up.
“”did you enjoy your late night shenanigans with luna, silver haze?” said celestia.
That’s it! It’s sun time for you! Say hi the Satan for me!
But of course, that would be interesting, and of course, this story would never do something like that. No, instead, we get the love triangle bullshit.
Twilight comes up to Silver and complains that she loved him at first sight. Silver Haze makes a promise to Twilight that he will love her as much as he loves Luna. Twilight, of course, this being a realistic story, takes it pretty well and says that that is okay. Just like real life, right?!
Fortunately, a black dragon comes around to attack Canterlot. Twilight suggests the Elements of Harmony, but states that they have already surrendered them to the Tree of Harmony. Seriously, am I the only one who hasn’t seen season 4?
But that’s okay, because Silver Haze knows the exact weakness of the dragon, even though he has a phobia of dragons and should be too scared to even look at it, but hey, that would be assuming that the story knew what consistency was.
So, Silver Haze dives in, with everypony else in awe at how awesome he is, and Silver Haze kills the dragon without any difficulty. I hate this character.
Twilight and Luna approach him and proceed to tell him how awesome he is.
”thanks, girls, i couldn’t have done it without you” silver said
What did they even do?! … You know what, I don’t care anymore. We’re just moving on.
So, they figure out that the cloud that is attacking them is the same kind of fog that Sombra used to attack the Crystal Empire, which honestly doesn’t make sense, but whatever, and Silver Haze asks Celestia and Luna if they still have the airship that they stole from his father.
Um… last I checked Luna and Celestia had wings. Why do they need an airship?
Anyway, of course, Celestia has it and reveals it to the others. Silver Haze and Main six agree to go and they board the airship.
After seven sentences of how awesome and handsome and brave and cool and majestic and all powerful Silver Haze is, Twilight enters his cabin and then starts making out with him.
“W-Wait, first I have to cast a protection spell.”
There is not enough alcohol in the world that will make me forget that line…
So, yeah, if you haven’t guessed already, the two start having sex. I can’t imagine Luna being very happy about that…
(> (PS I relized my last BF was a terrible editor but my new one is much better so I’ll probibly get more likes)
On the one hand, I am glad you got a new editor for this… On the other, your second editor still sucks.
Our next chapter begins like this…
sorry for a short chapter, i was rush with school and stuff, you’all know how it works.We all heart haze :D
Yes. Yes, I do know how that works. I know that real life is sometimes a bitch and can take away from your work. But that often doesn’t excuse it from sucking.
Now, before people start flaming me for this, I realize that deadlines can be hard to make sometimes. I get that. Sometimes you can spend all the time you want to on something and sometimes you have to take shortcuts. I don’t recommend it, but I do understand. My thing is, this is fan fiction, it’s not like you are writing for a job or anything, it’s a fan work that you do at your own pace.
Now, if you want to set a schedule for yourself, that’s fine. More power to you. But if you can’t make a deadline and can’t give the quality that you feel your audience deserves, don’t do it. Take more time with it. Better to give something with quality than to rush it and it turns out to be garbage.
Is that why your Happily Ever After story is terrible?
Shut up.
After banging Twilight, Silver Haze meets the others for breakfast. However, Applejack is instantly suspicious of the whole thing because…
You seem a maght suspeecious i rekon, bein’ the element of honesty i rekon yer hading somethin’” applejack said
This story keeps serving up new ways for me to hate it.
So they fly off to the Crystal Empire, but they are soon attacked by the mysterious fog. However, it is revealed to be Sombra!
“Well” I said “it looks like this will be interesting!”
Why start now?
The group lands the ship and head for the fog. The main six are, of course, too cowardly to attack the thing. However, thanks to Silver, oh I’m sorry-
main 6 follow their handsome brave and utterly courageous leader silver haze the prince of alicorning and the only survive as he lead the charge being their only hope to save equestria and if anything happend to him they would have no idea how to defend themselfs twilight thought maby he was really the secret hidden seventh element of harmoney of bravery and he could of used it if they didn’t give up the elements to the tree of harmony after she became a princess she though but she then relized it didnt matter because silver didn’t need any fancy elements to defeat the evilness he was brave and coragus and funny and honest and would never hurt anyone nor would he ever do anything to even hurt anyones feeling and that when she knew she loved silver with all her heart and wanted to spend the rest of her life with him.
Sorry, there was words on the screen, but all I saw was.
And yet, the dog was more intelligible.
They work their way through the fog and make their way to the throne room in an attempt to find Sombra. Oh wait, this is apparently, Sombre, Sombra’s twin brother. Who ironically gets more screen time in the show than Sombra does?!
I love those comics.
They finally find him, and I just thought of something. Where is Cadence and Shining Armor in all this?! Did they just die off screen or something?! Wouldn’t Twilight have a reaction to some of this?! Oh, well. This story has already fucked up all of my favorite characters; the story can at least spare Cadence and Shining Armor its wrath.
They find Sombre and Sombre reveals that Silver was born of a female alicorn, which makes no sense because Alicorns can’t be born, but who cares, lame fight sequence time!
sombre charged a powerful beam on his horn and focused it at silver. silver was nearly hit my the beam, and it gave him a little burn as it flew by. silver once again charged at him, but this time with his own horn glowing. sombre laughed as he came for him, and he made no effort to dodge or counter his attack, he simply allowed silver to charge. silver hit combre full force, yet he didn’t budge one bit.
So, Silver defeats Sombre by knocking him off a cliff, but Sombre tries to pull him with him. Twilight and her friends rush over to him, but are unable to do anything.
Oh, no. It’s not like Twilight has magic that she can use to blast Sombre off of Silver Haze. Oh, wait, yes she can. Why doesn’t Twilight just shoot the bastard and get him off Silver Haze?!
Anyway, Silver Haze and Sombre fall into the abyss? Which… makes no sense since Silver Haze has wings and could fly to safety, but…? I guess as long as this character is dead than it doesn’t really matter.
So, the main 6 gets all sad because the perfect, all-powerful, who the fuck cares Silver is dead. They throw a big party in his honor (I’m throwing a party too, but for different reasons) and Luna doesn’t take news of his death well.
So, in our Epilogue, we cut to 2 years later, where Twilight is revealed to have children. So much for that protection.
We then get an author’s note asking the important questions…
What will happen to silver haze? what will hapen to his kids? What will happen to twilight now that she is a mother?
Oh, I can answer that. Nobody cares!
Waste of my time!
This fan fic is stupid in every aspect of the word.
It’s poorly written; the dialogue is terrible, the spelling and grammar are just awful and is overall just a bad story.
Several elements of the story could have worked if more time was spent on them. Like the alicorn racism thing, that would have been interesting to see an alicorn who was racist against everypony who wasn’t born an alicorn. That would have been interesting.
And if Celestia and Luna did leave the kingdom of Alicornia, it would have been interesting to see how they came to respect others and how they conflicted with their father.
But then we add in the main character of the story Silver Haze and it all drops to shit. He’s a bland as hell character, he’s not interesting, he’s over glorified for the little he actually does and he’s only interested in sex.
He’s a blowup doll at best. Something to bring pleasure to the author by making him have sex with Twilight and Luna.
Look, I don’t care if you want to have your main character have a romantic relationship with one of the main six. But please, make sure that is it actually believable and not forced as hell like this.
The love triangle was never touched on (for better or worse) and a lot of the parts that had potential get cut to make room for sentences that describe how wonderful and fantastic Silver Haze is.
Overall, a bore to sit through and just an awful story to read that makes you want to slam your head repeatedly against something to give yourself something that is less painful. In fact, that’s what I’m going to do. Have a good day guys.
***
A black alicorn burst from the great golden doors, a narrowed brow on his face as he made his way to down the long hall to the throne. “Have you heard what has happened, Father?”
King Crown gave a sigh and tilted his head back. He placed his hoof on his forehead and glanced down the steps of his golden throne to the black and red alicorn traveling down the violet carpet. “What is it now, son?” The two alicorns beside him took a step back from him. “I am in the middle of an important meeting.”
The son stopped short of the throne and pointed to the glass window at the other end of the room. “Father, have you heard about what that pony has said about me?! Those horrible, horrible things!”
King Crown shook his head. “I don’t understand. What horrible things, Silver?”
Silver made his way to a giant crystal orb at the center of the room, his horn glowing brightly. The orb glowed for a moment and revealed a green stallion with black glasses. His voice echoed into the room, “But then we add in the main character of the story Silver Haze and it all drops to shit. He’s a bland as hell character, he’s not interesting, he’s over glorified for the little he actually does and he’s only interested in sex.”
Silver’s face intensified as he turned back to the throne. “You see that, father?! That stallion would dare mock me!”
King Crown merely raised his eyebrow. “I do not understand, Silver. It is simply one earth pony. An anti-alicorn.” He pointed at the orb still projecting the stallion. “He is far beneath you.”
Silver flew up to his father’s side, staring him down. “Then why is he allowed to insult me?!”
King Crown stood up and placed his hoof on his son’s shoulder. “You have nothing to worry about. He is a nothing. A nobody.” He smiled as he turned his son back to the center piece of the room. “But you? You are the most special alicorn in the whole kingdom!”
Silver turned his head, a smug grunt escaping his lips. “I know I am.” He placed his hoof on his chest. “I am the most handsome, strong, smart and brave alicorn in all of Alicornia.” He pointed his hoof back to the orb. “Then why should I have to tolerate being insulted by a commoner?! Why can’t I just kill him or something?”
King Crown leered at the younger alicorn. “And ruin our plan to conquer Equestria?” He shook his head. “We cannot afford to lose our advantage, son.” He leaned towards his son’s ear. “We are so close to conquering it. Is gaining your own kingdom to rule over better than killing a single earth pony?”
Silver looked back up to the crystal, staring into the smirk of the ‘Critique’, as he called himself. The Critique prided himself on always being right. On always knowing what was best. Silver couldn’t see what was so great about him.
On one hoof, the Critique was a small minded, weak, self-absorbed, unintelligent, loud, vulgar anti-alicorn who worked as a librarian for less than minimum wage. He knew homeless ponies who made more than him.
On the other hoof, he, Silver Haze, was the most handsome stallion that ever lived. He was braver than the bravest pony. Stronger than any creature, an intellect that rivaled smartest ponies of Alicornia, and of course, he could give any mare, and female anything they wanted. Slow, soft, hard, fast. It didn’t matter. His talents could perform.
And yet, this simpleton. This completely boring, uninteresting commoner had the gall to insult him. Where all others would praise him, respect him, envy him, this stallion would mock him. Surely, he is just jealous of all my talents! That is all he is! That is all they ever are!
He turned towards his father. “Father, I request permission to destroy him!”
Crown shook his head. “Request denied, my son.” Silver lowered his head in defeat. “We must focus on Equestria’s submission first.” He smiled. “Then when you have all of Equestria under your control, you may do as you will with him.
Silver escaped his father’s grip and stomped down the steps. But I want to kill him now! He grumbled under his breath as he marched out of the throne room, the golden doors slamming behind him.
You review bad fics, too? Sweet!
Oh dear. Not one of those fics.
Wow, that's new (although there was the Poncho Chronicles but then again who could read that?)
Why is it that when people try to come up with names for nations in Equestria that are not Equestria itself, they just take a word and add "-ia" to the end?
So, his coat boils water?
Maybe he's one of the Lost Primarchs from Warhammer 40k, mutated by the Warp into... this.
Have some better fight scenes, then:
GLaDOS: I dO not care for Laughter. It MErely gets [=In=] the way of science
HEY! HE STOLE THAT FROM WONDER WOMAN!
When suddenly first person!
Didn't Stephen King do that in Misery?
Wow, this is just like AvatarAvani's work. Guh
what is this? I don't speak inbred hick.
So they're in Middle Zealand
Like Twilight being neurotic, Luke being naïve, and Korra being too headstrong for her own good?
Wow, that was fast
This is only 9000 words long?... ow.
Just like how everyone in Unicornicopia has a number instead of a cutie mark?
I second that
thefitnesschronicle.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/04/bleach.gif
Just like Egongy from My Immortal
HA HA HA HA HA... no.
Grammar is only one part of making a good story. Plot and well developed characters are also very important. Harry Potter turns to the Lord is probably one of the most grammatically correct fanfictions I have ever read, and it's still a piece of shit because the plot is rushed and the characters are as bland as cardboard. If you want to get more likes (which should not be your first goal when writing), you should work hard to make the plot streamline and the characters relatable.
Lame fight is lame. Here are more fight scenes that I feel are better:
And more villains! Will he and Thunder team up?
And this is why I'm hesitant to read fics with OC's.
2291274 I hope you enjoy them.
Well, Silver Haze obviously decided if he couldn't destroy you, he'd just strike back by DEIFYING THE LAWS OF LIFE AND DEATH ITSELF!!!!!
No seriously, this just came up on new stories
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/189846/a-haze-in-equestria-2-the-twials-of-love
Celestia help us all
2402893 There's a sequel?! ... God damnit.... Hasn't the author felt I've suffered enough?...
2406011
Okay, I'm calling it right now: That's gonna be reviewed at some point this month. That's my bet. (By the way, if you do, God help you. That story managed to be even worse then this one.)