Don't Mess With Iron! · 3:30pm Jul 8th, 2014
This is a preview of the next upcoming round of Ask The Swapped Ponies, which is still in progress!
Warpd Asks:
Dear Discord:
What are your thoughts on those folks that Lero escaped from?
DISCORD
My thoughts? Well, the ones at the top of the food chain… the Fae Lords… I almost could’ve BEEN one of those guys! Between their total control over reality, their immortality, and the way they play with the mortals… if you’d’ve transferred me over to live in the Fae Realms a year ago, I’d’ve fit right in with their crowd like a raisin thrown into a bag of trail mix!
Then Discord folds his arms, sighing almost regretfully as he kicks an empty can on the floor.
DISCORD
Of course, it’s a different story nowadays, since my dear Element of Kindness friend went and reformed me…
Then he perks back up.
DISCORD
...But want to know something? Funny little fact about the Fae. None of you mortals would EVER want to face one in battle, any more than you’d want to face Slenderman or Superboy-Prime. (You wouldn’t want to face one OUT of battle, either!) Fae Lords are a mixed, motley, multitudinous bunch; each with their own quirks, gimmicks, and personal strengths and weaknesses. But there are TWO common Kryptonites the Fae Lords ALL share.
A ream of blank paper appears in Discord’s hand.
DISCORD
The first happens if they go against their word. If they break a solemn vow. DOUBLY so if they’ve violated a written contract they’ve signed their name to. TRIPLY so, if they used blood for ink.
(smiles at the readers)
Here’s how it works: let’s say I’m a Fae Lord…
And Discord transforms himself into an elfin humanoid, with a strong resemblance to how Elrond, (as portrayed by Hugo Weaving) looked in Peter Jackson’s film adaptations of J. R. R. Tolkien’s works.
With downright ludicrous speed, Fae Lord Discord pricks his thumb, draws up his ream of blank papers, and writes up a textbook of a contract in his own smudgy blood.
Then a Fae Lady, strongly resembling Galadriel, (as portrayed by Cate Blanchett,) with an openly bleeding thumb, comes over and smears her name next to Discord’s on the contract’s signature line.
They clasp hands lovingly.
“GALADRIEL”
Oh, my dear darling! Now, you are contractually obligated to love and adore me more than anyone else, forever and ever more.
FAE LORD DISCORD
And I couldn’t be more happy about...
This is when a different Fae Lady, resembling Tauriel, (as played by Evangeline Lilly in the same Jackson adaption) walks past Galadriel and Discord… whose attention is instantly snagged.
Leering at ‘Tauriel,’ Discord pulls away from ‘Galadriel’ and lets out a wolf whistle worthy of Tex Avery.
FAE LORD DISCORD
Oooo-yeah! Baby, you are one SMMMMOKING cut of tenderloin!
This is when the blood writing on the blood contract glows an angry bright red. And Discord turns back to the readers.
FAE LORD DISCORD
Now, at this point, two things would befall an oath-breaking Fae.
Suddenly, Discord’s body goes FLYING at super-speed, exactly as though he’d been punched into the sky by a cartoon superhero.
FAE LORD DISCORD
First, forces beyond even the Fae Lords’ control cast the oath-breaker out of the Fae Realms.
And then Discord returns to the place he’d originally been standing… but as a frail, grey-haired old man, shuffling along with the aid of a walker.
OLD FAE LORD DISCORD
(weak, wizened voice)
Now, while it’s possible…
(wheeze)
...For an oath-breaking Fae Lord to return back to Fae Realms...
(geriatric cough)
They’re still screwed, because they’ve also lost their immortality. Reduced to a mere mortal.
Then Old Fae Lord Discord has a heart attack and keels over and croaks. Five seconds later, he turns back into his draconequus self.
DISCORD
The second Kryptonite is kind of an extension of the first. You see…
And suddenly, he’s dressed like Mother Goose, sitting pleasantly in a rocking chair, and opening a storybook in his lap.
DISCORD
Once upon a time… there lived a very unwise and foolish Fae Lord who formed a contract with Iron. Yes, iron, itself. Good ol’ atomic number 26 on the periodic table.
(clears throat)
Now… what was this Fae Lord’s name? What kind of arrangement had he and Iron made in their pact? Sadly, these details were lost to history, long before any of your grandfathers’ grandfathers’ grandfathers’ grandfathers were frolicking little boys. And though numerous attempts were made to get Iron to tell her side of the story, the whole thing’s still an enormous sore spot with her, so she absolutely refuses to be interviewed about it.
Discord turns to the next page of his storybook.
DISCORD
But what we DO know is this: whatever it was that the Fae Lord had agreed to do for Iron, he didn’t live up to his end of the bargain. Now, if this had been, say, Aluminum… well, we all know Aluminum would’ve been more ‘live-and-let-live’ about it. But Iron was beyond furious. For Iron, it wasn’t enough knowing that this Fae Lord had doomed himself to exile and a mortal’s death. No, she declared that all iron, everywhere, would henceforth be an enemy of all Fae... and, to a lesser extent, those who bear their mark.
The Mother Goose outfit evaporates off Discord as he stands up, walking over to a refrigerator and opening it up.
DISCORD
So if you foresee a Fae fight further forward in your future, you’ll want to arm yourself with a weapon made of ‘cold iron.’ Like holy water to a vampire.
He pulls an iron battleaxe from the freezer, glistening with little icicles along its blade.
DISCORD
Oh, and in this case, ‘cold iron’ doesn’t actually mean ‘iron that is of a cold temperature’... although you can do that if you want. A ‘cold iron’ weapon is one whose business end is smelted and crafted of pure, unadulterated iron. Alloys… even iron alloys, such as steel… just trust me, you don’t want ‘em.
He swings his axe around a bit.
DISCORD
Now, why’d I go off on this ‘Fae Lord Kryptonite’ tangent? Only to gloat about how I ain’t got either of those wimpy weaknesses!
Then he bites down on the cold iron battleaxe like it was a crunchy ice cream bar.
DISCORD
Iron and I are on good terms! And I’ve gone against my word hundreds of times, and I’ve outlived (and WILL outlive) ALL those gullible saps!
He finishes eating the axe, licking his chops.
DISCORD
In summation: “Draconequui rule and Fae Lords drool!”
All commentary is welcome, but if you'd like to ask more questions for the characters to answer, please do so in the comments box of Ask The Swapped Ponies. It's just easier for me that way!
Still, they make rotten neighbors
Yeah, iron has a ferocious temper. Or at least a ferrous one.
Though it does make me wonder about what Discord's weaknesses really are. Aside from Harmony magic, of course.
Warpd, AWESOME question!
Couldn't wait to answer this one I see. I don't blame you. Though I see the fae more like Lovecraften Monstrosities then the humanoid form we see a lot. Sure there are a few. Also Superboy Prime is just written terribly and Slenderman is an overplayed hack. Both are villain-sues.
2266842 Slenderman was only fun before it was cool, then people just kept tacking shit on him when his entire gimmick was that nobody had a clue