Convert to the Beardligion Today! · 1:56am Jul 1st, 2014
Hi guys! Believe in a higher power? No? Then how about a hairier power?
Still no?
Well, too bad! Join the Beardligion! Now with our own house of worship!
"What is the Beardligion?" you might ask, in your febrile ignorance. Well, I'm glad you asked! The Beardligion is an organized religion dedicated to the worship of beards. And also probably Obs' beard, as an important prophet. Faithful Beardlievers (as they are often called) search to find the beard in all things, and the beard on all chins. All known converts to the Beardligion report incredible self-satisfaction--confidence like you wouldn't believe, woah--and a relative lack of fear for the spiritual consequences of this horrible blasphemy to actual religions!
Still not convinced, you horrible fool?
Well, we can try harder still! Here's some testimonials from actual theoretical converts to the Beardligion:
Yar.
But we can go even harder! By leveraging the incredible power of Beardlief, we've traversed the boundaries of the universe itself, and have been making headway in parallel dimensions. Here's some testimonials from actual theoretical parallel converts to the Beardligion:
Ray.
Smell that satisfaction! Chicken soup for the soul patch, y'know what I'm sayin'?
A few relevant passages from the Book of Beards:
Follicles 3:14
In the beginning Obs created the heavens and the earth. Now the earth was formless and cleanshaven, smoothness was over the surface of the skin, and the Beard of Obs was hovering over the chin.
And Obs said, “Let there be hair,” and there was hair.
Handlebar 1:23
Man can totally live by beard alone.
Here's our FAQ:
I'm naturally atheistic. What proof have you that the Beardligion speaks truth?
Top scientists all agree: beards exist. Despite exhaustive research attempts to prove otherwise, the evidence is clear: beards exist. Everything the Beardligion preaches (probably) follows from that. Which makes it truth.
The true test of faith is whether you'll accept that logical fallacy in the name of Beard.
What's the Beardligion's stance on the science of evolution?
There is overwhelming evidence that beards have evolved over time.
Do you accept sacrifices?
Yes! We accept American Express, Visa, and the burnt corpses of nonbeardlievers.
Does converting to the Beardligion make me better than other people?
My best guess is: absolutely!
Oh, Lord Obselescence's Beard: What commands do you have for your followers?
Be cool unto others as you would wish others to be cool unto you.
To what do you say the heathens that preach Obs' beard is false?
Wayward sheep that have strayed from my beard. Rest easy: they speak lies only.
Can you show us a picture of your beard, then?
No, for two reasons:
One is that I love all souls, and could not stand it if someone were to gaze upon my manifold curls and be incinerated by the glory of my facial hair.
Two is that proof destroys beardlief, and the Beardligion thrives on faith. You must beardlieve with all your heart to be a true convert. Proof also destroys the fragile molecular bonds that make up your body, as evidenced by when I showed the full glory of my beard to someone once and they were incinerated.
Um...
Question me no further. I have business to which I must now attend.
Convert today! Convert your friends! Convert your family! Convert everyone! Convert everything! We are the Beard. Lower your shades and surrender your chins. We will add your biological and technological distinctiveness to our own. Your follicles will adapt to service us. Resistance is futile.
What's our take on disposable razors and the like? Satan incarnate, or a fair method of culling the unworthy from the righteous?
.... Fuck it, converted.
Shaving is a lie, there are only beards.
The Facial Hair shall free me!
2247309
A true Beardliever need not fear razors, for they shall bounce from your hair as easily as a lamb bounces from your stone cold abs.
I don't....think I will.
I don't have facial hair..... why am I here then?
2247312
What if you want to have a beard, but are forced to shave by your job?
Had a beard once (and mutton chops, believe it or not)... then the wife said 'I'm not kissing you until you shave'.
That was the end of that,
2247316
Beardlief is found to stimulate the follicles of your chin. If you have not a beard, my son, fear not. You shall grow one in time.
You don't even have a beard. You have no place furthering this religion.
2247317
That's clearly beardligious discrimination. Call your lawyer.
2247320
Okay Obs, how much have you had to drink this time and would you mind sharing?
And I would convert, but I've yet to learn how to grow facial hair out of my scales, so I'll get back to you once I do.
2247320
2247323
Beardlieve not the words of the false prophet, for he shall lead you astrand.
I SHALL RAPIDLY EVOLVE SO THAT MY SPONGY PORES SHALL GROW FACIAL HAIR! FOR THE BEARDLIGION!
Also, what's the best way to deal with a non-beardliever? Burning at the stake or scalping off their cheeks to mark them?
2247328
Eat them with your immense beard. Show them who's boss.
I have joined the beardligion! We need to replace all the mormon ads on this site with beardligion ads.
2247320
I too share this sentiment. How could I ever follow a god who doesn't heed his own scripture?
2247327
Are you going to start making beard puns all the time.
If so.....
I give it twenty minutes before the site literally explodes.
I have never truly felt like I belonged, anywhere. Not until now. Thank you, Obs. Thank you for opening the door.
As a Bearded One, I can only approve... but Obs... you'd better have a beard worthy of a road-hog by Bronycon or you'll be lynched alive by your bearded cult.
i.imgur.com/2TrhWTe.png
If you want me to have faith the prove to me that you have a beard, if not, you shall forever be known as the false beardophet.
One statement, and one question.
I'm fourteen, I have no beard. Does that prevent me joining?
Did you actually read the bible, or just take the famous snippets? I'm confused.
2247348
All may join the Beardligion who prove themselves worthy.
...So my neck beard doesn't count huh...?
Yeah, I see how it is
2247349 Okay... I also can never grow hair, only scales.
Do neckbeards count? Cuz if so, I'm so in.
So is there some kind of Babel Muttonchop that simultaneously proves and disproves the existence of your beard?
In any case, my beard and I are certainly intrigued. My mustache remains wary.
Best. Religion. EVER.
Wait can the mascot be a Billy goat with a braided beard hair?
2247347
2247339 holy Shit evilen mins. Ago
2247374 The clock is ticking.
Y'know, I'm kinda surprised that there isn't a group for Beardligion yet.OMG, I am beardliever! So kawaii~ (I think I almost vomited, why do girls write like this?)
All I need is a shirt and my life is complete.
2247376
Yea, thou hast seen me before my fast in the desert of forty days and forty nights. But there I received visions, and the shaving cream swept aside to reveal truth unto my chin. Now I have become a prophet of the beard, and there is no truth which may escape my 'stache.
Do the fuzz of the peachy type count as beardlievers?
2247382
You could be doing better.
Seabreeze was instantly swayed!
fc07.deviantart.net/fs70/i/2014/180/d/a/viking_seabreeze_by_lord_destrustor-d7ofqgy.jpg
And I as well!
Also, Lord Conqueror Seabreeze offers mead in exchange for wenches.
I have no words... And no beard. (I am a girl, after all)
2247392
Not a hindrance! The Beardligion accepts all comers.
2247397 I still don't get it...
I cite rule 24 of the Internet: (Beard) pics, or it didn't happen.
2247401 Don't question it. Just love it
2247402
Well, I tried, but the radiance of my beard doesn't do well with any mortal camera. Here's the best shot I managed to take:
i.imgur.com/o8To6js.png
I think I may've blinded it.
2247409 Pure beauty...
Obs, you are beardmazing.
Cannot. Stop. Laughing.
2247409
I wait for it to load..
2247372
I see you still choose to hide behind falsehoods, very well, keep your church and your blind, unquestioning followers. I shall sit here, stroking my glorious true beard.
2247404 S-sure...
Is Jack Pattillo a patron saint? If so, I'll join in a heartbeat