Oedipus never says bad words, because he kisses his mother with that mouth · 9:22pm May 24th, 2014
Man, if there’s something I love more than the multiculturality of Europe, it’s absolutely everything else in the world, because why the fuck would I give a shit about multiculturality. However, now and then you stumble upon a cultural barrier and it makes you giggle, because other countries are so wacky.
Y’see, I was chilling in a bar the other day, finishing the story of why I’m nicknamed “Steel Buttocks” in that city (it’s a three-hour-long tale; maybe I’ll tell you if I ever get 700 followers) when my friend Selbi, who’s deliciously German and also a little bit of an idiot, walked in.
“... And thus concludes the story of the sodomite gorillas and why I’m nicknamed ‘Steel Buttocks’,” I said, smiling. Then I noticed Selbi, and as the bartender was busy puking his brains out (that story tends to cause that effect on people) I turned around and said ‘hi’ to him. He said he needed help.
Then I bit his index finger off.
The picture is too metal to be posted on fimfic, so have a cute puppy instead
Hey, don’t look at me like that. It’s how they ask for a favor, the Germans: they scream, and then they bleed to death. See? Cultural barriers! Wacky Germans.
I currently have that guy’s finger nailed to a wall in my bathroom, so I can admire it when I wash my teeth. I don’t know if that’s part of the German culture, though. I just like to look at severed fingers when I wash my teeth. A harmless quirk of mine.
Anyway, I know what you’re thinking now: “Aragón, how can you be that handsome? Isn’t it illegal?”
The answer is yes. I’ve been in jail three times. The second time the sodomite gorillas appeared, and that’s why—nah, never mind. I’m sure you’re not interested.
Anyway, you might also be wondering what Selbi wanted. Well, it’s easy. He asked me to please, please, not talk about his recent blog series about how to present stuff, because he wants to be seen as a respectable person and, apparently, my deep liking for animals and very old people makes me an unrespectable person.
So obviously I’m talking about those blog posts because fuck Selbi.
This is his avatar. Fuck him gently
So what are those blog posts? Well, more or less, Selbi betrayed me with them. BEEETRAAAAAYEEEEED MEEEEEEEE.
Okay, fuck him less gently
Why?
Well, you know how I’m incredibly famous and talented and handsome? Selbi has something to do with the first part. I won’t lie: I suck at descriptions, cover arts, titles, and anything in a story that’s not the story per se.
Like, really. I suck so hard I could be a professional vacuum. Which, now that I think about it, would have pleased those gorillas quite a lot.
Wait. I think I’m talking a little too much about gorillas here.
Nonsense. You can’t talk “too much” about gorillas
So yeah, how can I be that popular? Mostly, because of Selbi.
I was supposed to post a pic of Selbi here, but I think gorillas are cuter
You see, simple things like the title of a story, or the description, or the cover art, are very important. Like, very, very important. I can’t stress enough how important they are. And I suck at them, so my writing routine usually goes like this:
· Write a bunch.
· Bitch at Selbi about how hard is to write sometimes.
· Write another bunch.
· Visit the zoo to see the gorillas.
· Write some more.
· Edit the thing.
· Come up with title, cover art, description, chapters, and tags with Selbi and Lucky Roll.
· Cry.
Yeah, like that. You think I’m exaggerating? Every single story I’ve written (except for Born On A Rock Farm, which was a present for him) has been edited by Selbi like that.
Yeah. That includes the DONE! saga and Long Story Short, Things Went Down. And obviously Today is a Good Day to Die too (hell, Selbi forced me to use that cover art, and as a result it got featured and stood in the box for four days).
So yeah, it was the perfect plan: I write shit, Selbi puts some make-up on it, and then BAM INSTANT MONEY AND SUCCESS AND FAME.
AND GORILLAS
And the best part is that nobody knew about it, so everybody thought I was the talented one!
And then, of course, Selbi had to fuck up.
Goddammit
Why, yes. Go and publish a stupid how-to guide so everybody can stop fucking up the descriptions. After all, it’s not as it will make me not special anymore. You fucker.
I mean, how can anybody be that stupid? You have a talent, KEEP IT TO YOURSELF! (Well, unless it can get you gorillas. Then flaunt it as much as you can). Yet here comes the German, giving his shit away.
I don’t know how to feel about this. Should I be disappointed or angry? I’m slightly hungry, but I think that doesn’t really count.
So yeah, I’m not kidding here. That advice is useful. Too useful, in fact. I don’t know if you know my personal history (although of course you do), but I was a nobody till Daring DONE! came around. Then I went from 45 followers to 100. And then, Selbi appeared and started giving me advice. And after that, I got hundreds of new followers, got featured on EQD three times and developed a third testicle. In no particular order.
Holy shit. This is starting to feel like an infomercial. Let’s spice things up a little.
This should do the trick
You know what I’m currently writing? A heist fic. Starring the M6. It’s kind of funny how my approach to the story is similar to the one I had towards Long Story Short, Things Went Down. I mean, it’s similar: seven characters, a place they shouldn’t be in, a lot of chapters and witty dialogue… Of course, the feeling is completely different, as well as the plot. This one is rated [Everyone]
And of course, Selbi will help me with the title and description. And the cover art too, now that we’re at it. And I’m sure it’s gonna be a succ—
Wait.
I forgot I killed that guy when I bit off his finger.
Huh.
Okay, so I guess I’ll read that shit. Kind of funny how life works. The thing that caused his death and defingerization is also the thing that will allow me to continue without him, the fucker.
And… I think that’s it. Now, if you excuse me, I’ll wrap this blog up with a random picture.
Albino, hmm? Wait, he’s dead?
Well then, I guess we’re getting kinky
Who needs fingers?
I did not understand a damn word you said.
Such a shame blog posts still dont have like button.
2141872
Huh. For some reason, all my blog posts get a comment similar to yours. I seriously don't get why.
2141839
I'm fine. I've got a horn.
But I think Applejack could use a finger or two.
What?
--Sollace
2141927 dude, this stuff is confusing. Funny, once you get it, but confusing.
Just a personal opinion, but you are some awesome motherfuckaz.
So when was your last sobriety group meeting? Because I think you need to attend another. Like, right now.
2142101
And you think after the seventh try it'll work for him now?
That's when I met you through forcefully asking you to make me a story to edit! Kinda. Is that a picture of you in that blog, Aragon? Hm, those sexy cheeks.
Remind me to try to do a collab with you, because I'm pretty sure the universe would explode from the awesome randomness of the resulting story. And gorillas. Or my favorite imaginary band, the Gorillaz.
2141959
Yes, that's what I don't get. What is confusing here? It's absurd humor. I figured once the writer starts talking about how a bunch of gorillas had some private fun time with him the reader would assume this is not to be taken seriously. Then again, cultural barriers and whatnot -- this kind of humor is perfectly normal to me, I don't know about you. Check Cracked if you want to see what inspired this.
2142491
Yeah, I remember Daring DONE! is the reason why I know almost all of my current editors/proofreaders, you included. It's been a long time, hasn't it?
Also yes, that's me. Kind of an old pic, but I haven't changed that much. Still the sexiest motherfucker in town.
2143130
Believe it or not, I don't really like LOL SO RANDOM humor. Yes, I like absurd shit (as you can see in... Well, in like half my stories, let's be honest), but the whole "screaming TOASTER at random times and wait for the laughs" thing seems just childish to me.
True, I wrote a lot about gorillas here, but that's what absurd humor is about. Fucking gorillas.
Damn, I think that picture made it mature rated. And Kudos on Selbi for figuring out how to post beyond the grave.
2143601 yes, I suppose there is a difference between random and absurd. My bad.
It's hardly as if everybody who reads the blogs will suddenly be just as good as Selbi when it comes to presenting stories. If that was true, I could learn to juggle just by reading one of those many guides out there. And I can't juggle.
2143786
I won't let a Spanish guy decide what I can do and what not. That goes against my mindset as German.
2144291
Neither do I think this blog series will do anything, but at least we can see it as a united sign against jugglers all around the globe.
2144291
Of course you can juggle. You just have to believe in yourself.
2144296 Solid point.