bookplayer's 50 questions · 7:25pm Apr 11th, 2014
In response to bookplayer's post:
The Princesses:
1. How old are Celestia and Luna?
No one knows. They started using fake IDs to get into Valhalla nightclubs well before the legal age of one millenium, and now they’ve forgotten their real birth years.
2. How old is Cadance?
Trick question. Toy advertisements, even ones 44 minutes long, aren’t canon. Especially toys whose names Hasbro can't even bother to spell correctly.
3. Were Celestia and Luna always alicorns, or did they ascend?
It would be impossible for earth ponies, unicorns, and pegasi to have evolved independently, and yet for alicorns to combine the features of all three. Necessarily, all ponies are devolved from alicorns.
The protection and charity of the princesses ensures that no pony ever dies of predation, hunger, or stupidity. A pegasus with stunted wings, for instance, instead of being eaten by wolves as is natural, would be taken into the princess' charitable institutions where they can contribute to society by producing horseshoes, mining coal, and such, without being a visible disgrace to their families. Then they, too, can mature, mate somewhere in the sooty depths of Equestria's mineshafts, and produce and disown their own flightless offspring. The entire population is by now composed of degenerate, physically and mentally handicapped alicorns who will all eventually devolve into earth ponies.
6. How much authority do Celestia and Luna have in Equestria?
Equestria has an elaborate system in which a hereditary nobility, an elected parliament, and a massive bureaucracy collectively ensure that any attempts by any of them to do anything are crushed under the hooves of their mutual hatred for each other. Celestia honors whatever laws and actions those three bodies somehow manage to cooperate on, except when she doesn't feel like it. She likes to pretend that Luna is her co-ruler. It’s also convenient to have somepony to blame when, for instance, she's too hung-over to raise the sun. (Hah! That was a good one. Luna will see the humor in it eventually.)
7. Does Shining Armor rule The Crystal Empire along side of Cadance?
If I were to risk rupturing a frontal lobe by entertaining the hypothesis that the extended toy advertisement referred to above were canon, I would say that Shining
a) should not be trusted with anything more complex than a surfboard, and
b) is pussy-whipped and loves it.
Ponies and Equestrian Culture:
9. Are there still cultural differences between earth ponies, pegasi, and unicorns, or is the culture homogeneous by the time shown in canon? Are there cultural stereotypes (positive or negative)?
You think you’re pretty smart with your big words, don’t you, pointy-head?
16. Are there roughly an equal number of male and female ponies?
At birth, yes. By the time they reach mating age, only the strongest males remain. (Don’t get too attached to Pipsqueak or Featherweight.) Most of those remaining are claimed by the princesses for their personal royal “guard”.
17. How informed are most ponies about things that happen in other parts of Equestria? What about other parts of the world?
They’re just as informed about other places as the average American is.
The Main Characters:
18. How old are the Mane Six? Spike? The CMC?
They’re ponies just reaching maturity, so the Mane Six are almost 2 years old. You can thank me next time you clop to PinkieDash.
25. Is Scootaloo an orphan? Will she ever be able to fly?
Look, I’ve already explained I had nothing to do with Scootaloo’s parents. Sometimes ponies just explode.
26. Will Apple Bloom’s cutie mark involve an apple in some way, even if it’s unrelated to farming or baking?
Apple Bloom has shown her talent for engineering, and her cutie mark will be an apple and a hammer, to signify her special talent for building things out of apples. The unsuitability of apples as building materials will leave her destitute and homeless. Fortunately she will be able to rely on the charity of the princesses, as noted above, and will be able to nonetheless found a dynasty of equally-useless descendants.
28. Is Mr. Cake the father of the Cake twins or not?
You tell me.
29. Are Big Mac and Cheerilee an item, romantically?
Thanks for bringing this possibility to my attention. If I find out that Cheerilee is cheating me with Big Mac, or that Big Mac is cheating on me with Cheerilee, I’ll kill them both.
30. How did Prince Blueblood get his title?
He starting calling himself “prince” one day, and ponies are so trusting that they immediately moved him into the palace and gave him his own personal staff.
31. Is Silver Spoon equally as bad as Diamond Tiara?
I don’t understand the question.
33. Why does Daring Do publish her stories as fiction?
Probably for the same reasons I do.
Other Species:
35. Does Equestria differentiate between speaking and non-speaking species, in terms of respect, rights and legal responsibilities? Is there some other line or scale used? (For example, how are cows classified? Diamond Dogs? A chimera?)
Under the enlightened rule of the princesses, every species contributes to the welfare of all according to their ability. Cows, for instance, contribute milk; chickens contribute eggs; pigs contribute bacon; and ponies contribute the management skills and discipline necessary to maintain this equitable social order.
Mmm, bacon.
36. Do other speaking species form their own nations, or are all nations largely integrated, with some having larger populations of a species than others?
Species with something significant to contribute to Equestria are integrated as described above. The rest inhabit the deserts and low-lying swamplands surrounding Equestria in which oil has not been discovered.
37. Are minotaurs related to cows at all?
To those who say yes, I ask: Have you ever tried to milk a minotaur?
41. Is the lack of buffalo presence in Equestria cultural, or simply because most pony towns aren’t built to accommodate a full grown buffalo?
It’s a cultural matter, by which I mean the manifest destiny of culture to supplant the less-cultured.
50. Is there something that wasn't asked about here, but you feel like you need to explain to everyone?
My lawyer has advised me not to answer this question.
Either you had way too much fun with this, or you are quite the misanthrope (misequinope?)
Also, regardless of Cadance's marketing origins, surely you know that Skywriter's Cadance of Cloudsdale series is most excellent.
YOU CAN'T MILK THOSE!
CORN DOGS! COWABUNGA!
Bad, you are great.
I have to say, this one was the most fun to read.
2000781
2000792
Agreeing with these two. Corndogs for the imaginary surfer-boy that Twilight dreamed up during her brothercon phase.
And that this was hilariously fun.
He was an artist formally known as...
Sure. Who hasn't?
This sort of snark is why we keep you around, Bad Horse. That, and
the hostagesour breathless and undying devotion to your brilliant schemes.2000880
Keep in mind that, despite having a festival known as "Nightmare Night" in which they pay direct homage to the evil spirit Nightmare Moon, the good folk of Ponyville didn't even recognize her when she showed up in their town hall.
Except for the librarian. Probably in league with her. "Twilight", really? Dark-lover much?
You're a bad, bad horse, Bad Horse.
I think I've seen that video.
This was the only head canon 50 questions I've read. I don't regret it.
Headcanon acquired. Thank you BH and bookplayer!
2000762
Why not both?
...well there goes all that joie de vivre your last story bestowed.
2001526 He's clearly giddy from the success of and attention from the story. The sweet cynicism of his answers is far too delicious to be the result anything other than Bad Horse on an excellent day.
2001526
Lol
Mmm... your tears look delish. But there's not enough.
I want you to imagine what Bad Horse would do to Dotted Line in a story.
Now imagine that Bronystories inserted Dotted Line into something of his.
Now imagine that those glorious bastards are writing a collab with Dotted thrown right in the middle. That's absolutely exciting. I can already smell the space rocks and the Bluebloods and the transmogrification and the burning of government documents and the heretical scandal...
Ooo, it's like I'm standing underneath a waterfall. Or maybe a baptismal font. I dunno. Same difference I guess.
Imma harvest you now before Bad Horse notices I'm trying to elevate my scavenger status k thnx bai.
I'm kidding, jeez.
2001785
I realize that, to you, I seem all soft and gentle. Very Fluttershy.
So I ask you, what happens when Fluttershy's had enough? What happens when her friends are on the line?
Indeed.
Think on this. Deeply.
Whoo boy, does this take me back...
Let me tell you, it's something you only ever try once. Still, the resulting cheese was fantastic.
2000880
imgs.xkcd.com/comics/world_according_to_americans.png
And my own attempt from about a week ago to name all the countries:
i.imgur.com/N3Vfqnv.jpg
I still feel guilty about Tunisia, Libya, and Algeria. I feel a lot less guilty about Mozambique.
2001829
i479.photobucket.com/albums/rr160/fishbulb-suplex/Wrestlers/Hulk%20Hogan/SummerSlam_2006_-_Hulk_Hogan_Vs_Ran.jpg
I'd imagine it'd be very much like this.
I realize that, to you, I seem obnoxious and dickish. Very... Discord.
So I ask you, what happens when you give a mouse a cookie? What happens when you pay attention to the giant maws in the sky, screeching as they spew chocolate marshmallows from between their twisted throat-teeth?
...They're not chocolate marshmallows. They taste pretty damn good, though.
I will tell you what happens. Chaotic energy is filling the air. Your blood could very well be set ablaze in jade fire as it carries oxygen about your body. Your eyes could start shooting beams in the shape of black and yellow polka dots that make happy explosions on contact with pies. Worms carry birds to their nests so their wormlings have sustenance. Parasprites begin to reverse fission, sucking into each other like mini black holes, unbirthing themselves until only a tooth fairy remains. It's very hungry.
And then, with all the randomness of a dice roll, it stops. The crazy and zany can give way to some semblance of... sane (boo!)
How will you answer this brief lull of chaos? How will you react to the gothy catboi laying on his side before you, head propped up on an indifferent arm, furry ears twitching every so often to tune into the subtle tinny of Chaos as he lazily munches on a Wunderbar? I'm bored... I guess...
Perhaps with anger? Curiosity?
Think on this. Deeply.
There certainly must be a reason for this intrusion.
Why?
I will say they ain't as malevolent as it seems :3
I swear, you're talking about fluffy ponies. They are the near future of our little alicorns.
Mountain out of a mole hill, indeed.
Wait... Shining threw his wife... should not be trusted by anything more complex than a surfboard... aha! Cadance is therefore a surfboard!
Hasbro will soon release Cadance surfboards to the fringe group of surfer bronies, making millions from repeat customers (they manage to break them so easily imitating Shining by throwing them at falling baby dragons and shiny heart rocks).
With coinciding release will be Cadance brand corn dogs. "It's like I'm eating my wife. All the time!" says Shining as he levitates a corn dog, wagging it all around.
By extension, Luna and Celestia aren't alicorns. They're really surfboards. Twilight's downfall wasn't when they superglued a fuckhuge pair of wings to her, no. It was when she ascended into surfboardom.
... I should stop.
Shining is pussy-whipped by a surfboard. He enjoys the surfboard S&M too much and overlooks it. Cadance's specialty is spanking.
Big words make me feel like gnawing on things like a furry beaver.
Zebrican Equestrians from Zebrica deserve just as much rights as Zebrican Equestrians or even us ponies.
Whew! There are so many Zebrican Equestrians in Zebrica. They're from Equestria, right?
Blow me and squee, Bad Horse <3
Nonsense. She'll build a house out of apples and invite her unobservant, hyperactive little friends.
They will then die when the Flutterbat comes and huffs, puffs, and blows their house down, killing all of them in a solid wall of falling apples. She will then lick all the apple juice off their adorable little corpse rumps before burying them and immediately forgetting about everything, driven by her neverending need of sweet life juice. Oh, and Bunnicula will cameo.
"Buy some apples!"
Sounds more like fluffy pony behaviour. They're getting there...
Hear that, everytroll? All his stories are legitimate stalking fodder! His docs are in his stories. Just gotta sift through all the allegory and metaphors to get to the credit cards and social insurance numbers. Yeah!
Just like how he advised you not to write stories with little bits of your life thrown in?
If not for for your unpublished Luna story, I wouldn't have figured out you apparently love Starbucks cinnamon scones and are pissed off every time you go there cause they're sold out. It's all frigging in there...
Yeah.
There was the time I got captured by a whole herd of them on my way making a delivery.
Deciding that it would be faster to go through a valley than around, I accidentally went over their sacred land or whatever, prompting them to take chase. I was caught embarrassingly easy, no match for their enormous gait and stature. Pretty sure they were going to eat me for dinner.
I was scared and quite intimidated at how huge they were, but I mustered my courage and swallowed my pride. I managed to talk them into negotiating. I would provide them with some pleasurable "services" in exchange for my freedom. I'll admit, there was something quite admirable about their physicality, as monstrous and gnarly as they were. My heart was pounding faster the entire time.
I was hurting all over in the morning, but they let me go peacefully, for they were very content, still wanting of sleep. I almost threw up a few times, but I was adamant about further embarrassment to myself, even if there was no one around to see.
Upon reaching the package's destination, I learned that the place was a bovine breeding centre and that the package I was delivering was vials of various bovine virility. I offered the owners the story of my night and they pitied my plight. I was tipped handsomely when I managed to cough up some extra goods.
...They paid good for the 10 litres of minotaur milk I was lugging around.
I don't think it was actually milk, though. The minotaurs were persuasive in me getting rid of it for them. It smelled really strong. Good for calves, apparently.
Although it had been actually kind of fun and stuff, I took the long way 'round the valley on the return trip. Carrying milk around is tough and I didn't want to do that again.
Man, what got into you this morning?
And will it come bursting out of your chest at dinnertime?
And if it does, will it pre-read my fic?
Oh, Bad Horse must have been in a particularly
goodsnarky mood today. I think of all the 50 answers, this one is #1. Can you please release my family from your underground torture chamber and manufacturing center now? You can keep my mother-in-law as a role model.2002990
Not to mention the land bridge that allowed the Native Appaloosans to migrate to Appaloosa.
He siphons up your account passwords, credit card numbers, and your address book?
I mean, they said that all through the Nineties so it MUST be true!