Self-Doubt and Other Pretentiousness · 10:46pm Mar 3rd, 2014
Because sometimes we need to vent.
I’ve been incredibly fortunate so far to have had the response my stories have gotten. It’s far more than I deserve, and I thank each and every one of you for it. And yet, every time a story of mine gets even the minutest amount of popularity it completely demoralises me. That’s a backwards reaction to have, I know, but I can’t help it.
The problem is that I’m always striving to improve, to do better than I’ve done before, and every time something does well I end up feeling like it’s a ‘score’ that I then have to beat next time. And every time I’m terrified that the next thing I post will be unanimously scorned and rejected. When I posted Facing Her Fears I was sure that this would be the one that everyone hated, this would be the one where people finally realised I couldn’t write for shit, and then suddenly it was featured and for about a day I could stop worrying about it. But it’s like that every time. It doesn’t matter if it’s clop or not, or who the characters are, or anything; every time I come so close to not posting the damn thing because I’m terrified that people will hate it.
Perhaps that makes me sound whiny, or that my entire reason for writing is because I’m looking for approval. In some ways, maybe I am, but I don’t think that’s necessarily a bad thing. Writers who publish what they write – whatever it may be – do so because they want people to read it. And following that it’s not unreasonable to want people to enjoy whatever they put out there for the world to see. It’s not so much about approval as it is wanting to stir emotion in whoever happens to read it. As such I consider Just a Perfect Day to be as well received as any of my other stuff, because I succeeded in what I set out to do with it, even if it didn’t reach all that many people.
But I still struggle with this crippling self-doubt. It’s like I’m building this massive house of cards, and it keeps getting higher and higher and all it will take is one mistake and the whole thing will come crashing down around me. Creative endeavours of any kind suffer from this, I think, because the only way to truly create ‘art’ (god even in quotes that word sounds so ridiculous given the stuff I write) is to put everything you have into it, and even if all I’m writing is little more than dressed-up smut I still do that. And knowing that after all that effort there’s a very good chance people will turn round and tell me that it’s garbage means that I end up scrapping things I probably shouldn’t.
In some ways I envy the people on this site who put out a story every week, or even every other week. I could never do that; I write far too slowly and I’m too meticulous with rewriting over and over until I don’t entirely hate it anymore. But they’ve gotten over that fear, or maybe they never had it in the first place. Either way, it must be liberating to post whatever you want without giving a damn how people react to it.
I’m not trying to cater to an audience, I should say. Or at least, I don’t think I am. If I was I wouldn’t be quite so worried each time. Instead I try (whether or not I succeed) to do something a little different each time, and maybe that’s where the issue lies. It’s unknown territory, and I’m scared that one day I’m going to go too far and the backlash is going to sting.
I’m not afraid of criticism, either. Criticism is good; it’s the best thing to help me grow as a writer, and I welcome each and every comment that does so. What I’m scared of is posting something that gets 100 thumbs down and a hundred comments saying “your writing is bad and you should feel bad”. Like I’ve built this illusion where maybe I’m not so bad a writer after all, and all it will take is one thing to shatter it.
But I’m trying to beat it. I keep posting stories, after all, no matter how worried I am that they’re going to be annihilated. I’ve been here for almost a year now (holy shit what), and in that time I’ve not regretted posting anything I have. And every time your wonderful comments make me feel not-shit.
So here’s to all of you, for keeping me going despite myself. I love y’all.
Thanks,
Grimm
What you describe is classic Impostor Syndrome and it's something lots of successful people struggle with. I don't really know any good ways of dealing with it, but I can at least say that you are definitely not alone.
I identify with this blog post a whole lot.
I dunno whether it's nice or just disquieting to hear that other people struggle with writing. It always feels like it should be such a simple affair, but that only makes the inadequacies hit even harder.
I understand your pain. I've taken down stories due to constant dislikes and harsh comments. It happens. What matters is you make the stuff you want not what other people say.