Update: We are gathered here today… · 12:49pm Feb 18th, 2014
“… To mourn the sad loss of our beloved author, Garand,” Discord said.
He stood on a podium behind a tall lectern that reached barely to his chest. He was dressed smartly in a black suit, a tall hat and a monocle. A brown ornate coffin lay on a large wreath of flowers behind him. He held a piece of well-used parchment in his paw and talons as he continued to read off the eulogy.
“He was a skinny man. A skinny man who had great talent in his skinny little head.”
Discord frowned and flipped the parchment upside down, then to its side and finally diagonally before going on:
“All of you here owed your life and animation to him, for he was your creator and gave you your looks, personality and voice.”
Discord stared out to the large empty space in front of him. It was filled with ten rows deep of ten simple grey folding chairs. Only the front two rows were occupied. In the first row was an utterly bored Princess Luna, a neutral-faced Celestia, a frowning and crossed-legged pale lavender unicorn—Crystal Quartz, Twilight and her friends talking quietly amongst themselves and finally an sad-looking Cassia.
The second row was filled with various grey, black or white alicorns that nopony had recognized. They sat passively in their chairs while eyeing Discord with wary expressions.
“Well, most of you anyway. Now, where was I?”
Discord flipped the parchment upside down again.
“Although a man of great imagination, he was a man of slowness. Many a day he would while away the time and slowly piece together his masterpiece of a prose depicting the devious plan of Little Miss Devil there,” Discord waved to Cassia, “And the bumbling misadventures of Pureness Sunbutt and Pink Party Animal here.” He waved to Princess Celestia and Pinkie Pie. Pinkie waved back while Celestia rolled her eyes at him.
“But alas! Tragedy has struck our poor skinny author man! For he has—”
THUMP!
Discord frowned. “For he has—”
THUMP!
“FOR HE HAS PERISHED IN A MOST SILLY OF WAYS: BY A PAPERCUT!”
THUMP!
“Oh, for the love of Faust…” Discord muttered. The spirit of chaos floated off his hoof and claws to lid of the coffin.
“Would you mind keeping it down? I’m trying to recite your eulogy here.”
A series of thumps answered him. Discord sighed and popped open the lid, revealing a gagged and tied Garand.
“Oh, now then you wish to say your last words? How nice of you to be, oh so, so quiet all the while before Cassia whacked you over the back of your head with her taser.” A simple tug loosened the gag.
“I’m… not… dead… yet…” Garand said in between breaths.
Discord flipped over his back, chuckling. “What are you talking about? You were perfectly still when Cassia brought you here and I’m sure breathing is not a requirement for determining whether someone is dead or not.”
“Yes, because ‘tied and unconscious’ totally means ‘death’.” Garand glared at Discord.
“See? Even you agree with me.” Discord was suddenly in Garand’s face. “Now, I think you should stay quiet and let me finish the eulogy so I can go console my poor little Cassia.” His voice came out low and dangerous.
With a flash and pop, Discord was back at the lectern. “Now, where was I again?”
“A—”
“Look, I have the manuscripts of the latest chapter of Of Sunshine and Laughter!” Garand cut him off.
Discord was back at the coffin in a snap of a claw and flash. “Oh, why didn’t you say soooo?”
Garand stared at Discord out of the corner of his eyes. “I wanted it to be a surprise…”
Cassia frowned at the statement but said nothing.
With a snap of his claw, the coffin disappeared and Garand stood staring at Cassia on the podium. Several long moments of silence passed. Garand scratched his head and finally said:
“I’m sorry for being quiet the past several months… I just wanted to finish the chapter and give you a surprise but I guess it took too long.”
Cassia averted her gaze. “I… understand.” She paused. “I’m… sorry for losing my temper.”
Discord appeared between them, a paw on Garand and claws on Cassia. “Aww, that’s so sweet. Now kiss and make up.” He made smoochy faces.
“That would be rather disgusting,” Rarity spoke up.
“Oh, Rarity my dear, I meant it as an expression, so get your mind out of the gutter.” Discord grinned smugly at the white unicorn.
Rarity ground her teeth. “How dare you insinuate such a thing of a lady!?” She was barely restrained by the rest of her friends when she threw her herself at Discord.
Cassia and Garand ignored the brewing commotion. “So… can I read it?” she asked.
“Weeell.” Garand wringed his hands.
Cassia leaned forward. “Well?”
“I still have to edit it.” Garand grinned awkwardly, turned and took off.
“Oh… you insufferable cretin!” Cassia galloped after her creator through chairs between Celestia and Luna, who were now sharing a box of popcorn at the scene.
There was a small smile on her face.
It should be up by the end of the week, latest.
(Yes, I'm really editing it right now.)
Also, food for thought for me:
[2/16/2014 2:01:15 AM] M1Garand8: >Writing short story to announce chapter update
>What have my life become? D:
[2/16/2014 2:04:29 AM] Archonix: Creative.
derpicdn.net/img/view/2014/2/10/548643__safe_oc_tumblr_ask_vulgar_artist-colon-taritoons_sketchbook_don%27t+hug+me+i%27m+scared_ask+buttercheese.png
Hue.
Neat! I think I'll start reading the story. Oh, hey, it's been a year and a week since the last chapter.
1848671 Damn, that's almost as bad as me.
1848539
I'm scared, hug me.
1848759
There's not enough time...
geek.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/time2-590x330.jpg
1848761
Guess it's only me and my shotgun now...
1848671
And that's why my characters are revolting now.
1848759
[youtube=UPatfgoNBRo]
1848807
Hey, in your first comment on the story, you invited spelling, punctuation, and grammar corrections. Are you still up for those?
1849641
Yep. People don't comment on those enough.
1849255
Totally what happened.
Alternia frowned as vren55 stomped through the door and sat down heavily on his chair.
"What's wrong vren55?" asked the changeling queen.
"M1Garand8 is dead and we weren't invited to the funeral," pouted vren55.
"Oh? But if he's dead... why do I see a comment on your blog saying that he's getting ready to publish Sunshine and Laughter?" asked Alternia curiously.
vren55 started, ran to his banged up laptop and read the blog post.
"Oh... well hell its about time! I might just forgive you for forgetting to invite me and Alternia to your funeral!"