The Fox and Hound

This evening, I decided to fix up some issues with my story, It Is My Fate To Enter Every Door.

Okay, fine. Pinkie Pie has an older sister. I fudged my story to admit that.*

Per Benman's suggestion, I've rearranged the opening, so that Emma's story comes to the fore.

Most importantly, I've added a scene with Vixen the Clever and her nemesis, Laelaps the Hunter. The business with Vixen follows the pattern of mortals dealing with fay spirits. The story of Laelaps is softer; I liked the idea that Laelaps is fond of Vixen, despite her treachery.

*Fudged again: Matilda Victoria Pie: Maud. I like that the daughters of Clydesdale Pie have these odd, grandiose names. Is it his influence, or hers?

Comments

[Grey Faerie]

I love the rewrite! Though the new beginning is a bit rough. It doesn't pull the reader in like the rest of it does. It's too...statementy.

Clydesdale Pie was an honest, sensible rock farmer. His wife’s name was Emma. Well, to be honest, her true name was unknown to him, and he counted his every day with her a blessing, because she was a miracle.

I am Clyde. My wife is Emma. It feels like that.

[Cloud Wander]

1799016
Yes, I'm still working on it. I want to do a better job of hooking the reader right away. I still don't like that first sentence, though.

[The Cakemeister]

I noticed that it now says 4 daughters, but at the end, when Clyde acknowledges his pride towards his daughters, it only mentions the three.

[Cloud Wander]

1800256
Continuity! My old nemesis! (Thanks!)

(Arrgh! What is her name?! Even Berrow's "Pinkie Pie" chapterbook elided her name.)

[Cloud Wander]

1799016
Okay, I decided to cut to the chase bring in the mystery of Emma's true name right away. I'm hoping that a MLP fan will find this unexpected puzzle intriguing.

I then brought in the matter of Clyde's quiet sensibility in response to her predicament. I think this worked. I wanted to bring up Clyde's generous, deliberate temperament right away, so that the reader would get some sense of why "Emma" would find peace with a lonely rock farmer.

[Crimson Dawn]

"Clydesdale Pie did not know his wife's name. What he did know was that every day was a blessing for she was a miracle. He called her Emma and she was a font of mystery and of his happiness."

I personally feel that you could capture attention by bringing the mystery to the fore. It is odd not to know your own wife's true name and so the reader will want to read to find out. At least it is an idea anyway that keeps most of what you already have written but changing the order changes the emphasis.

Still clunky but could be made to work.

[Cloud Wander]

1801430
Thank you for your assistance.

My current opening is "Clydesdale Pie’s wife's name was Emma. Well, to be honest, her true name was unknown to him, and he counted his every day with her a blessing, because she was a miracle." So there's your "mystery to the fore" idea.

Not exactly, "[t]he sky above the port was the color of television, tuned to a dead channel," but serviceable, I think.

Unlike Gibson, I want the story to begin with the voice of a folk tale, just to set the mood. As others have observed, Clyde and Blythe aren't the usual protagonists of a folk tale; they've got some commonsense.