Criticism of Guardian of Ponyville - by Jerry23

Thanks to the author, he took down the original post because he couldn't handle criticism properly. So now, I'm just posting it here in the meantime.
Here is the link to the story.
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Well, I guess the story itself has also been taken down. :\
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Things I have seen/hated throughout the story: Narrator gives away the main external conflict the character will go through, constant grammatical errors, character doesn't have a mind of his own/speaks every little thought he can imagine of what he's going to do or what he wants to do,

In the beginning, the narrator gives away the entire summary of the main external conflict that the character is going to be facing later in the story, that is, killing the main alpha wolf and becoming the leader of the pack. The description also does this by telling the readers that he is to be going to Ponyville to reconnect to civilization, thus giving away another major plot key away before you even read the story itself! If you're going to be plotting the story, don't do it by telling the reader what the story is going to have in the future chapters, just keep it to yourself so then the entire story isn't going to be spoiled for them by a writer who can't contain him/herself.

The constant grammatical errors are something that should be a breeze to fix, as long as you know what to look for, and why it is like that. Some of the things you missed are just elementary and should be picked up by anyone who reads this story for a first time. You could had done a much better job at improving it, as well as the dialogue of the character, if you payed more attention to what you're typing.

“oh oh.”

Decided to make a list of all the things I found wrong/could be improved on much better.
1. Put capitalization in the description of the story.
2. You don't have to put "Chapter 1" as the first line of each story, since we already clicked a link that said "Chapter one" (Which by the way, the one has no capitalization as well...)
3. "Over the time I have been here I have become the apex predator of my ever growing territory that even manticores and even hydras were wary of entering my domain."; It would fit/sound better if it were "Over the time I have been here, I have become the apex predator of my ever growing territory that even manticores and hydras were wary of entering my domain."
4. "strange creatures I only though lived in myth and fairy-tails. where there are" thought*; Where*
5. "I at least try to make it painless." Should be, "I, at least, try to make it painless."
6. "My name is Snow Burst now that I have a new body." Should be, "Snow Burst, now that"(cutting words to save space in comment)
7. "That is what I call myself now that I died and been transported to this forest for some reason in a body of a strange snow white wolf with abilities over ice." Should be, "That is what I call myself now, ever since I died and have been transported to this forest for some reason, in a body of a strange snow white wolf with abilities over ice."
8. "I am getting ahead of myself. I should start at the beginning, how I became the leader of a large pack of wooden wolves in this new world."
9. With the "1 YEAR Earlier", you can always use dashes(-) or stars(*) to break a line of text apart so then the reader knows that there is a break in the time line, but still add "One Year Earlier" so then people know how long.
10. "David Santiago. I was twenty-two, about 6-3 or so toned ever since I practiced kung-fu at the age of ten, thanks to my dad for wanting me to know how to protect myself if I ever needed to, since we lived in a bad part of DC."
11. "myself good, and I had"
12. "hazel eyes that have gotten me some decent attention, but I have no one"
13. "loving parents that loved and supported me throughout my life."
14. "I had always had an interest in animals, especially wolves, that is why I had joined a wilf life sanctuary group a little over a year ago that studies wolves, bears, and other animals in the sanctuary, in their natural habitat of hunting,"
- Dude. A story shouldn't have this many grammatical errors less than 10% in the story. Comma rules! Use your comma rules!!
15. "Then...sigh,", alright, I can understand that this story is being told straight through the narrator's mouth (i.e. the future him), but you don't have to put sighs in the narrate. I can understand that it's being used to characterize the character's personal thoughts and how he feels about certain topics/subjects, but you don't have to put it in the narrate. Although, this just bugs me and it's optional for you to decide on your own.
16. "half a mile away down wind, crouching, trying to stay out of sight"
17. "as she towers over my crouching form, raising her claws to strike."
18. You might want to add bold on the "ROOOOOAAR!!!!" just to add effect for readers.
19. "The only thing I could do was say the words "ohhh... shit" while trying to get to my feet, as I see a large paw coming toward my head, and darkness."
20. Between the bear knockout and him getting back up, you might want to add a break so then the readers know that there was a break in the time line.
21. "I was starting to wake up as I hear birds and other small animals running around."
22. ""Damn, what hit me? Ohhh, that's right, a mother bear hit me. Not that I am complaining, but should I not be alive or something?" - When he's asking a question, you use question marks...
23. "I was trying to get up on two legs, but kept falling on my face. I groaned. "Why can't I stand up?""
24. "looking at my hand-turned-paws" or "looking at my new set of paws"
25. "I started to hyperventilate. My eyes darted to where my hands were supposed to be, as they are now large paws, then I took a look around my unfamiliar surroundings. I let out a scream, but it came out as a loud howl. I closed my eyes shut, hoping it was a dream or some kind of nightmare."
26. "I see a rock next to me and thought; if this is a dream, then if I experienced pain, I will wake up most likely in a hospital, or out in the middle of the forest bleeding to death.
27. "It is worth a shot." Add the italics so then the readers knows to put the emphasis on the "is".
28. "I place my head near the rock, and head butt it, promptly knocking myself out."
29. Could use a break after the self-knockout as well.
30. ""I guess it is not a dream, since I am still in this forest as a white wolf."" - Wow, this character's no use of conjugating it is and is not really bugs me...
31. ""Damn that hurt. Not my best idea."" - Okay, yeah, this character's speech really bugs me...
Okay, yeah, fuck it. I'm not even 1/6 of the way in the story, and I've already reached 31 corrections. This story has just too many errors for me to fix all of them, that is, in a reasonable timespan. Seriously, man. Look at your story and edit it before writing/posting it...
Reason why I quit doing this: "That sounds like a waterfall, and it is about time I found some water I am thirsty as I have ever been in my life. And hopefully some shelter nearby." - Like, seriously. Are you even trying at this point?