Harmony's Warriors: Flutterhulk by Avenging Hobbits

Hey, guys. This is the Fireemblemspider.

Welcome to the review of Harmony's Warriors: Flutterhulkwritten by Avenging-Hobbits.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with this writer and his work, I will briefly explain. Avenging-Hobbits is a talented writer who is attempted to bring a crossover universe between Marvel, DC, and the My Little Pony franchise.

He is currently working on what is called ‘Stage One’, similar to how the Marvel Cinematic universe is staged. The series already includes Iron Mare, Soar, and Captain Equestria.

These four stories will eventually come together with Harmony’s Warriors, Avenging-Hobbits’s version of the Avengers.

Also, it is stated that he will include several characters from other Marvel and DC franchises. This is a small list of all the characters he plans to include.

This list is constantly being updated and is constantly changing. My question is; will he somehow get to this incredible cast of characters? Maybe. I certainly hope so.

Despite that, I am here to review the Flutterhulk. Many of you enjoy it and you may notice that I was one of its proofreaders. Though I admit to being an ignorant child at the time, I want to review this now with new eyes. (Note: New does not mean technically mean better)

Again, there are spoilers for this review! If you have not read it yet and you would like to, click on the links above.

As for the rest of you…

Our story begins not unlike the deleted scene from the Incredible Hulk movie and the scene that was mentioned to us in Avengers.

Fluttershy is out in the middle of a snow storm saying that she is a monster and it would be better just to kill herself.

Don’t worry, Fluttershy. I still love you.

Image by Amy-defy

Fluttershy Braveheart pulls out a gun. (Though I question why exactly there is a last name for Equestria’s citizens, since nopony seems to need them.) She puts the gun to her mouth and shoots herself.

And that’s the end of the story.

I’m freaking kidding you guys!

No, Fluttershy turns into the Flutterhulk and spits out the bullet.

We get to an author’s note about Avenging-Hobbits not wanting to write that dark ever again.

… You sure kept that promise, didn’t you? See Captain Equestria for reference.

We cut to twenty three years earlier, where we see Fluttershy’s mother, Tree Flower, getting Fluttershy ready for her first day at school. Fluttershy says she doesn’t want to go because she’s afraid the teacher won’t like her and that she won’t make any friends and that last year, she was bullied a lot and…

Basically, the same problems I had in grade school.

Well, to help Fluttershy, Tree Flower reminds her of her friend, Firefly. A friend Fluttershy says she is her best friend, yet she completely forgets about her. Fluttershy even says that she completely forgot about her. For a pony, you claim is your best friend, it seems important to me that you would remember a person, or pony in this case, who is your only friend.

Anyway, we move on to Dr. Banner Wing, Fluttershy’s father. Wait a minute… If Banner Wing is his full name then why the hell is Fluttershy’s last name Braveheart? Wouldn’t his name be Banner Wing Braveheart? Or Banner Braveheart? Why the hell did you give Fluttershy a last name if nopony else related to her had the same last name? Was she named Fluttershy Braveheart? If so, why was she called that in the first place? That just seems like a freaking mouthful.

You may be asking me, why do you care if the names don’t line up? Normally, I wouldn’t. But in the Iron Mare story the last name of Rarity’s family is Belle! And the Apple Family in the Captain Equestria story is named Apple! Making it Applejack Apple! (Which sounds really weird now that I say it.) The nurse even calls Dr. Banner Wing Braveheart, Dr. Wing!

While in the Captain Equestria and Iron Mare, it’s Mr. Apple or Ms. Belle. Shouldn’t Fluttershy’s last name be Fluttershy Wing?!

Maybe it was a cover she was using, I don’t know.

Anyways, moving on, Banner Wing is in a mental hospital visiting his brother. His brother, Cocktail, says that he has visions of the future, seeing aliens invade the world. Also there is supposed to be a character named Jack with him, but he’s never explained. Banner Wing himself admits that Jack is part of Cocktail’s hallucinations, but fails to explain what kind of hold Jack has over him. As far as we know, Jack is just kind of there and that Cocktail is making the hallucinations himself.

He then talks about the Night Breathers who involve, Sombra, Nightmare Moon, and eventually will involve the Avengers as well.

Cocktail says to Banner that he needs to protect his family or the Night Breathers will get them. Banner, of course, doesn’t believe him.

Banner leaves, with his brother thinking that he has been brainwashed by the Night Breathers.

And what did Cocktail have to serve to the story? Absolutely nothing. The author mentions that Cocktail was meant to serve as a character with mental problems for Fluttershy’s family. And that’s it. … That’s it. The whole reason for this character to exist was to be in this one chapter. This character never is developed and is quickly forgotten about as he was introduced. For such an important plot point you had to show us, I think you could have done this differently.

What if the father had mental problems? Hell, why did there even have to be mental problems in this story to begin with? I understand that in the comics Bruce Banner was given a traumatic past that dealt with a lot of emotional angst, which is why he has trouble keeping his temper. While Bruce Banner’s psyche has gone through many changes, it was because of his abusive father, who would beat his mother in anger.

Weird how that parody’s into the Hulk. A monster destroying everything when he gets mad.

But I’m getting off topic, dealing with emotion and not letting it take control of you is a hard thing to do. Trying to hide your anger or irritation at something is not easily done, even with the calmest minds. This wouldn’t be so bad if you had made Cocktail a more crucial member of the story. But the fact that you didn’t, made this scene unnecessary. Why couldn’t this have been done in another way? Hell, just give Fluttershy the mental problem and be done with it. Do we really need the family history to be bad? Unless the father is also mentally ill, then just give it to him.

Anyways, Banner gets to work and the secretary tells him that he got a call from somepony. The secretary, however, didn’t bother to get a name or any other information other than that it was ‘Something about research’.

You know you should probably ask about information on what kind of research and who is calling.

Anyways, Banner tells Keypad that he’ll call them back.

We cut back to Fluttershy at school, where she is seen feeding the class bunny. Or her bunny? She certainly talks like she owns it.

We then meet Firefly and the first thing she does is scare the hell out of Fluttershy.

Although to be honest, how hard is that to do?

Firefly asks how Fluttershy’s day is going.

“Very good actually, I didn’t get flushed down the toilet or stuffed into a locker or anything today.”
Fluttershy, I know you are a coward, but seriously?! You let them push you around at school and you don’t tell your teacher! Hell, her own mother knows that Fluttershy is constantly a victim of bullying! Why doesn’t she talk to her teacher about keeping a close eye on Fluttershy? I know that teachers aren’t around all the time, but don’t schools have councilors to help kids through these difficult times?

Oh, okay. Never mind.

Anyway, Firefly reveals that’s she is going to move to Cloudsdale, leaving her best friend behind. Firefly suggests that Fluttershy makes a new friend and points to a unicorn.

An alabaster unicorn filly with a purple mane and a triple diamond cutie mark walked by, her noise in the air. She exuded an aura of snootiness that made Fluttershy feel uncomfortable.

Cameos! You want um! We got um!

The two say they will miss each other after being such good friends. Wow, what a heartbreaking scene. Remember the time Firefly and Fluttershy… um… uh… Remember when they… um…

Look, I get that these two are supposed to be friends, but there is nothing to show that these two were close. Other than that they tell us they are best friends, there is nothing there to make us believe that.

Anyway, Fluttershy goes home and tells her mother that Firefly is going to move to Cloudsdale. And then Fluttershy starts to blame herself for Firefly leaving. Even though it is clearly not her fault. Kids today, so much angst.

Banner and Fluttershy then share a heartfelt conversation, with Banner reminding his daughter she is perfect just the way she is. However, in his gut, Banner feels that Fluttershy is being picked on because she is weak and small. Incidentally contradicting what he said.

Anyway, Banner tells Tree Flower about the phone call, which happens to be a job offer. A job offer to Canterlot University, which means they will have to move to Canterlot.

Tree Flower tells Banner that as much as they could use the money, it is a bad idea, especially on Fluttershy.

Banner reveals a growth hormone that he will be working on, claiming that it will be to Fluttershy’s benefit.

Tree Flower is appalled at the idea, claiming that he wants to use his daughter as a lab rat for his experiments. Frankly, I’m surprised Banner wasn’t the insane part of the family. Here he is, claiming that he loves his daughter for who she is and yet is forcing a change on her, without so much as consulting her.

He says she gets picked on for something out of their control. I understand that you want to protect your child. I do, but to change her and mold her in a way that ‘fixes’ her, in your words. Not even giving a damn about her feelings, not seeing her flaws as something that are what make Fluttershy who she is.

I agree with Tree Flower on this, Banner is crossing the line here at even thinking the idea, almost as if he’s ashamed of her. Almost as if she’s a problem that needs to be fixed. Maybe this has something to do with his psychotic brother, but it’s your daughter, dude! Did you ever think that she might not want to be used as a guinea pig? Did it not occur to you how your daughter might react to you disapproving of her ‘small wings’ and her ‘long legs’?! What is your problem?!

Anyways, Fluttershy awakes the next morning to find her parents still discussing the plans to move to Canterlot. Fluttershy takes it about as well as you expect.

She is hurt that they have to move and that she has to leave her home behind and run the risk of new bullies in her life. (By the way, it turns out that Angel is her bunny. Why she brings it to school all the time is beyond me.) Her parents reassure her that she will always have them to protect her. Banner gives a giant red flag stating that he will make sure Fluttershy isn’t picked on. Tree Flower doesn’t pick up on this.

Anyway, we cut to three months later, where Fluttershy is being bullied by a pony named Dark Sky. You know, dad, for making sure that Fluttershy was never picked on, you sure do suck at it!

Fluttershy goes back to classing crying, as the teacher seemed too distracted by math to give a damn. Seriously, are the teachers in this school just dicks or something? She says the past six months have been the worst of her life… Wait? Six months? Didn’t we just establish that it was three months? Why the hell did we say three months later when you were going to travel back even further to six months? Consistency! (This could have been a proofreader’s mistake. You need some better proofreaders)

List of Proofreaders (Spideremblembrony)

Shut up!

Anyway, Fluttershy’s father is spending all his time on his work, completely ignoring his daughter. (Because that’s what every child needs, a father who obsesses over a small imperfection and never shows his daughter how much he loves her. Especially when he promised that he would make sure she would never be bullied) And that Dark Sky has been picking on her for six months… or is it three months? I don’t even freaking know anymore!

Anyway, she meets with a pony named Excelsior.

Cameos! You want um! We got um!

Excelsior tells her to take an assertiveness class to help her against Dark Sky. Her teacher sees the flyer and openly tells the class that Fluttershy is pathetic! What a fucking bitch! Why are teachers at this school such dicks?! No wonder she doesn’t talk to her teachers with this bitch around! Is everypony in this school a stuck up snob?!

Anyway, Fluttershy goes to this assertiveness class and it goes about as well as you would think. Actually, pretty well. The script actually follows the show’s original design rather flawlessly, but still making it his own. Getting us to cheer when Fluttershy finally asserts herself.

Fluttershy returns home and sits down to dinner with her family, in which her father is the chef. The father then pours the growth hormone serum into Fluttershy’s bowl, stating to himself that it will make Fluttershy’s life better. As you’d expect, nopony suspects.

We then turn to a couple weeks later where Fluttershy is still being tortured by Dark Sky. Also, the next scene is typed in italics. I think we are being shown flashback for some odd reason. I think it’s supposed to show that her assertiveness training isn’t working, but did we really need a flashback for that? We are already in a flashback; we don’t need another flashback in a flashback!

Anyway, Dark Sky comes back and torments Angel. Fluttershy, after witnessing Angel being cruelly bullied by Dark, BEATS THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF HIM!

And of course, Fluttershy freaks out of her outburst of violence, which finally causes the school principle to intervene. How is it that the school’s faculty is there to stop Fluttershy from killing this colt, but isn’t there to keep an eye on Fluttershy from being bullied? Is this some sort of conspiracy where the bad kids get to do whatever the hell they want, while the rest of us get to stomach their taunts?! And when we do stand up for ourselves, we get punished for it?! That’s it I’m staying Ponyville. Screw Canterlot!

We cut to Tree Flower getting called in to see Fluttershy. Why we needed that scene is beyond me.

We then cut to Dr. Wing in a meeting with the principle, Notebook. (still have no explanation on the Braveheart thing, although he is now called Dr. Banner Wing Wing. Damn Spideremblembrony to hell!). Notebook tells the parents that Fluttershy has anger issues. Bullshit! One incident! One outburst of emotions and suddenly she has a problem?! It’s like getting drunk one time and someone coming up to you and saying you are an alcoholic! I realize it can take just one time to become a problem, but you can’t assume that from one experience! You can assume that it might be a problem! That can be a theory, but that’s not actual fact!

Tree Flower and Banner Wing tell the principle that Fluttershy has been bullied and that they never have been able to find out who. Wait, what?!

Fluttershy never told her parents who she was being bullied by?! How did you expect your parents to help you deal with the problem if you don’t tell them who is bullying you?! I realize it’s normal for a kid to act irrational, but… this?! The parents never invested the time into discovering who is tormenting her?! I understand Banner, being Mr. Crazy Scientist and all, but what about Tree Flower?

She is so concerned with Fluttershy’s well-being and not once did she come to the principal or the staff about this problem?! If she knows Fluttershy is being bullied, the important thing is to go talk to the staff and the principal and bring it to their attention! That way they can monitor her and help her through this time! Why the hell didn’t she do that?! If she did, but the staff was too stuck up to care, why didn’t she bring it up?! Why didn’t she say “No, you were supposed to protect my child! You were supposed to help her when I can’t be there!” What is the matter with these parents?!

Anyway, the principal suggests Fluttershy sees the school psychologist. Finally, the worthless pieces of shit are actually doing something. Banner agrees, thinking to himself what a kind and gentle pony Fluttershy used to be. It wouldn’t have anything to do with the super drug you made your daughter ingest, would it? Oh and by the way, the school psychologist is worthless. This is the only time he is ever mentioned throughout the story.

At home, Banner discovers that Fluttershy is seeing blood on her hooves, when her hooves are in fact clean. This is to show that Fluttershy has lost her marbles. And I mean what I said before; there was no reason to show Cocktail in this. Fluttershy could have just as easily lost it without the need for family history.

Anyway, Banner tries to comfort her, smiling underneath as he is thankful for Fluttershy putting Dark Sky in the hospital. Again, why is Banner the sane one in the family?! I think watching a child beat the hell out of another is a bit crazier than having an imaginary friend named Jack, who as far as I know, does jack!

Fluttershy promises herself that she will never be angry again.

Then we are transported to twenty years later, even though in an author’s note it is said to take place in present day. We’re behind about 2 and a half (or nine months depending on the time correction) years behind present day.

Fluttershy is working in a supermarket on the edge of Griffinheim and settles on a name Swift Breeze, which she finds using a crossword puzzle. (Sounds legit.) Also the chapter is called God’s Lonely Mare. Is there a god in My Little Pony?

Anyway, her boss Penny Pincher, a griffin, asks her into her office. (I guess Griffins get odd names like Ponies do. Pretty damn funny, eh, Gilda?)

“Well, as much as it pains me to tell you this…” Penny Pincher paused, taking another puff from her cigar. “It seems that we’ve been forced to make some cuts around here, and well…” another puff. “It seems your name came up.”

Her name came up? What is this?! A drawing out of a hat?! A lottery ticket number?!

Anyway, Fluttershy gets fired from her job (for reasons not fully explained) and leaves before she can get angry. And nopony would like her when she’s angry. (God, I’ve been waiting to use that.)

And things only go downhill for Fluttershy from here folks. Fluttershy is kicked out of her apartment from a griffin because she is unable to pay her rent.

She then finds her way in an alleyway where she is attacked by a group of thugs. (Hey, Avenging-Hobbits remember when you said you’d never write this dark again. … Yeah, I think you broke that promise) My god, she is a magnet for bad things to happen to her. Hell, Spider-Man doesn’t get this much abuse.

Anyway, they attack her, piss her off and well…

(Am I using these too much? I’ll try to calm down)

Flutterhulk takes the three out in a pretty violent way. Killing one of them by pile driving him into the ground.

This has been the subject of a lot of controversy between readers, saying that the Hulk (or Flutterhulk in this case) straight up going for the kill is out of character. Even Avenging-Hobbits was afraid he was making the Flutterhulk too violent. And I can see why.

She is defending herself, much like the normal Hulk does. And while the Hulk character didn’t commit acts of murder until much later in the comics, he was always about protecting people. What bothers me about this is that the Flutterhulk doesn’t really have a reason to kill. It kills without reason, which makes her seem like the villain.

If she was protecting somepony or someone, yeah, we have a justifiable reason to allow her to take extremes to protect. Here, it’s a couple of bullies who are killed just because they’re bullies. So far we haven’t see the protective Hulk from the comics. The one who will go out of his way to protect others. This is why I think a lot of readers have a problem with this scene and how violent she gets. But that’s just my opinion.

We then cut to a scene introducing us to Hoofcuff, a cop who is an expert in catching on the run fugitives. She steps into the office of General Iron Will.

General Iron gives Hoofcuff information on Fluttershy, stating that five years ago she stole government secrets and disappeared off the face of the planet. Killing twenty ponies while on the run. Hoofcuff says that she can handle this alone. However, Iron Will insists on being a large part of the operation. (We’ll see how long that lasts).

We then met our antagonist, Snowflake.

(Oh, come on. You knew that was coming.)

Anyway, Snowflake and Hoofcuff see images of the Flutterhulk’s latest rampage. Hoofcuff starts asking questions about her target and Iron Will refuses to give answers. Hoofcuff, of course, is not happy with that, since half of what she does is find criminals based on psychological profiles, background information, and history of the subject. All of which are essential to predicting the target’s next move. None of which she has and yet she still wants to go in? Okay.

The group gathers at the crime scene where they start to piece together what happened.

Whatever caused these marks had hooves at least six times the size of mine. She thought. What on earth could cause that?

Maybe it was the same thing that caused the claw marks in solid stone?

They see how odd it is that a small mare like Fluttershy could take on the three thugs the way she did. Seeing hoof prints that a giant would have, preforming the events in their minds and seeing that Fluttershy even tossed a stallion several yards.

Hoofcuff says that Iron Will is hiding something. Why she didn’t figure this out on the plane ride there? I have no idea.

Anyway, we cut back to Fluttershy who has transformed back into her normal self. She realizes that the government will be on her trail and she figures she has to keep moving.

She comes across a griffin who invites her into his home. The boy griffin, seriously he’s not a man griffin or a grown up griffin, he’s a boy griffin, named Hamish, introduces Fluttershy to his wife, Gladys.

Gladys says that she doesn’t want Fluttershy in her house, despite the storm that is blowing outside and insists that she be on her way.

However, Hamish finally convinces his wife to let Fluttershy stay with them.

Fluttershy then leaves the old couple behind after a night. They give her some food and pills without even a second thought. And what did that scene have to do with the story? … Nothing. This scene was all filler. The old couple never come back and is never mentioned again. They were completely pointless to the story, adding nothing of real value to it. They are as quickly forgotten as Firefly was.

Moving on, Fluttershy makes her way to a diner where she tries to stay away from the freezing cold. She walks in and the bartender greets her.

“Well, you seem to be a pony.”

The griffin, named Gus, tells Fluttershy that he doesn’t normally serve ponies, but to pick something from the menu she likes.

She asks if there is anything on the menu that is not swimming in gravy.

I’ve heard that before…. But where?

Where?

I got nothing…

Anyway we get some pointless dialogue between Gus and Fluttershy, where I think Gus is hitting on her. But with Fluttershy who wouldn’t hit on her?

Art by Daviez20

Anyway, some jerks step into the diner and you know something is going to happen. They’re pretty generic jerks who just want to cause problems. The second you see them you know Fluttershy is going to be picked on by them. Why? Who knows? Isn’t not like Fluttershy is in the way or anything?

We get some long winded dialogue about how these guys want to pick on Fluttershy, but are afraid of the one griffin in the corner. One griffin? One griffin?! That is what five adult, fully grown griffins are afraid of?! One griffin?! For acting tough, you five sure are pathetic.
So, as you would expect the griffins start attacking and picking on Fluttershy, for no reason, other than to show how big of an asshole they really are.

The griffin in the corner stands up for Fluttershy and extends three claws from each of her hands, coming from the knuckles.

Cameos! You want um! We got um!

Fluttershy starts to freak out as the Griffin-Wolverine attacks the five thugs. She quickly takes her pills which are assumed to be painkillers since she asked them for aches. She uses them before she can get angry and instantly calms down. What?! Painkillers can take up to 20 to 30 minutes to achieve the effect! And while some painkillers do slow down the heart rate, it’s probably safe to say that the effect isn’t immediate!

Anyway, Wolverine … I mean, the griffin, takes out the bullies and leaves Fluttershy in the shambles of the restaurant, without taking any responsibility for the damage she caused. Our heroes, ladies and gentlemen.

We cut back to 25 years earlier and the next scene is written in italics. Why did you have to say it was 25 years earlier and use italics? When using italics, a household rule is the use of it usually indicates a flashback or a time before the current plot. While I am no expert in the field of grammar or styles of writing, it still bothers me that we are told the time the flashback took place. The time the flashback takes place has no relevance on the plot of the story. It could have easily have been done without the “25 years earlier”. We already have 20 years of unanswered questions and uncertain events, and you want to add more. Ugh, my puny mind can only handle so much. (I personally blame your proofreader Spideremblembrony. You should fire that asshole)

As I was saying, we cut back to 25 years earlier and we see Snowflake being verbally abused by his father, who happens to be a griffin. This might explain Snowflake’s large size, but it’s never really explained if this griffin is his biological father or an adoptive one. His father tells him that he doesn’t want him to be weak or to be bested in anything by anypony.

We cut back to present day where Snowflake realizes that something is off about Fluttershy. He is just figuring that out now, despite him being at the crime scene. Your father wanted you to be the best at everything; I would think common sense would have been the first lesson.

We cut back to Fluttershy back in the diner, where she is unable to cope with the gruesome sight before her. She rushes out of the diner in tears. Gus comes out to see why Fluttershy is crying and sees the diner in shambles.

Wait a minute?! Fluttershy’s crying is enough to bring you out of your kitchen, but a group of griffins fighting violently isn’t? My god, in the last chapter, you were hiding under the counter, muttering about repairs while the group was fighting! Do you have freaking short-term memory problems?! What is wrong with you?!

Although in your defense, your last line was pretty damn funny, though completely inappropriate for this scene.

“Oh my goodness…that’s going to take quite a bit of cleanin’.”

You’re reaction probably should have been something like this…

Fluttershy runs out of the diner and runs until she passes out. We get a dream sequence of Fluttershy going up to her old home. There she finds her father in a pool of blood and a younger version of herself with blood stains on her hooves. This is the part where we learn that Fluttershy had murdered her father.

This scene is a struggle for me, but I’ve already gone over reasons why. I stated that if Flutterhulk was protecting another I would understand why she would kill, but there is nothing here to justify his death, leaving us once again to believe the Hulk is a monster. A mindless savage beast. And once again, while I do realize the Hulk in the comic did sometimes kill, it was usually in self-defense or protecting another. (Unless we are talking about Ultimate Hulk). We sympathize with Fluttershy to be sure, but what about the heroic qualities we are supposed to admire about the Flutterhulk?

Anyway, Fluttershy wakes up in an apartment with a griffin name Gerald. Gerald tells her that she can stay as long as she likes.

But all is not well, because Gerald hears on the news radio that Fluttershy is in fact a fugitive. And he calls the authorities right away. Gerald waits inside, with the supposed killer, in his apartment. I’ll tell you right now, I would be running my freaking beak off, but that’s just me.

We cut back to Hoofcuff who is playing chess with her assistant, Starlight. I haven’t mentioned him before because he provides little to nothing to the story.

Hoofcuff is all bent out of shape because they are called back from a ‘pointless investigation’. However, they receive the call from Gerald that says they’ve got Fluttershy.

We go back to Fluttershy, who has been asleep for the past two days, where she discovers that the police are looking for her. They are yelling over megaphones to get organized.

Megaphones? Seriously, megaphones?! She is a freaking fugitive that can transform into a freaking monster! And your plan is to tip her off of what you are doing and where you are?! What kind of idiots are running this shin dig?!

How hard is it to keep quiet and discreet about capturing her? For a group of cops that is about secrets and deception, you guys suck at it! Why don’t you just put up a big sign that says “We are here to arrest Fluttershy”?! At least that would be more subtle!

Well, at least Fluttershy does use her wit to try to get out of this. She locks herself in a bathroom and cuts her hair, making it look like a shredder had gone through it. She then looks for some hair dye, but realizes that it only may be in the shop across the street. However, the streets are crawling with the most subtle of pony cops Equestria has to offer, shouting at the top of their lungs with megaphones!

Fluttershy sneaks out of the motel and … WAIT A MINUTE!

They get a call from Gerald that Fluttershy is in the motel with him and they don’t even bother to set up a freaking parameter around the building?! They know what building she is in! They know what room she is in! Are you telling me that these ponies are so incompetent that they can’t even remember what building she is supposed to be in?!

Most of the ponies seemed occupied with the front?! The backdoor is the first place you should reinforce! You mean to tell me that they have had two days to prepare for her and they didn’t even fucking pull up a lay out for the building?! TWO FUCKING DAYS?! God, maybe these ponies really are led by Chief Wiggum?!

Anyway, Fluttershy makes it to the corner store without so much as arousing suspicion. She dies her hair and we get another cameo from Rarity!

Which really has no relevance to what is going on.

She looks outside to see the Equestrian Military arriving.

Oh no...how did they even get here so fast?!

You’ve been asleep for two days! How the hell did they not get there so fast?! In fact, why the hell didn’t anyone in the Equestrian military tell them what exactly Fluttershy was capable of? And for those of you who think it would be crazy to tell them about the Flutterhulk, they don’t have to! But they can at least let the local police know to be discreet and keep an eye on her, until they get there! But nope, they have to parade out in the street, letting a dangerous criminal know they’re on to her.

Anyways, Fluttershy makes her way down to the train station and tries to escape the city of incompetent assholes.

Fluttershy bumps into a Pegasus, who happens to be her old, best friend, Firefly. Yeah, Firefly. You know, the one character who was best friends with Fluttershy, even though we spent no time with them developing the relationship between them. It’s such a touching reunion. … She still has no significance to this story.

Hoofcuff stands outside the motel wondering why an entire squad of military officers is looking for one mare, who is all alone. Personally, I would be wondering why this city’s cops are all idiots and why…

… Geez, sorry…

Anyway, Hoofcuff spots Fluttershy, despite her disguise, and the chase is on. Fluttershy dives into the sewers. How she got the manhole cover off by herself is beyond me. She nearly drowns after rushing into the sewers, which is actually handled quite well, and encounters Hoofcuff, who captures her.

Fluttershy is then taken to a prison where she is locked in a padded room. Iron Will comes in and tells of all the nasty stuff that he is going to do to her. Iron Will laughs as he tells her that he is going to cut her up and take out her organs and then eat them and sew her cutie mark on his wall and make cupcakes out of her and…

Wow… I have no idea where that came from…

We get a dream sequence where Fluttershy has a family with children and a husband. She goes down to breakfast with her two children and sees her husband. It looks like things are all well, but then the Flutterhulk shows up and ruins everything.

I really don’t understand this scene. I get that the Flutterhulk is constantly ruining Fluttershy’s life, but wouldn’t it make more sense if Fluttershy was back at home with her parents and friends, since that is the life she is used to living. Unless she has a husband and kids we don’t know about. If so, why haven’t they been established until now? I realize dreams are an extension of our wishes and as such, I probably shouldn’t judge it this harshly, but at least make the dreams relevant to the character’s life and current situation.

Anyways, she wakes out of it and finds out she is still in the prison facility. She starts to mope at how Firefly now has it all and Fluttershy has nothing. Because their relationship was so well established that Fluttershy can only be envious of Firefly. Hell, why aren’t you jealous of Hamish and Gladys? You spent more time developing a relationship with them then you did with Firefly and they are happy together.

Anyway, some new orderlies come in and try to give Fluttershy a shot. This causes Fluttershy to freak out and go Hulk… Wait, what?!

Iron Will! I am now official questioning your intelligence! You mean to tell me, you have the most dangerous criminal in the world, in your facility locked up so that she can’t get out?! Yet, you send in the most incompetent idiots, who know absolutely nothing about Fluttershy’s special condition, into a room with a sharp pointy needle?! This is how you planned to control Fluttershy?! What the hell is wrong with you?! Holy fuck, no wonder you haven’t captured Fluttershy yet! No wonder you need Hoofcuff’s help to track her down! Because you are a complete and total moron! This isn’t like some pony else got to her before you did and decided to act before you could get there! This is your fucking facility! You are in charge! You know what she is capable of! Why in the holy world would you not send in somepony who is aware of Fluttershy’s condition and is trained to stop the change from occurring?! Why?!

Huff… Huff… Huff… Okay… I’m done with that for a while…

Anyway… Hoofcuff is in the break room downing cups of coffee. She says that Fluttershy was taken to a special ultra high security facility where she would be imprisoned. I don’t care how ‘high security ‘a facility is, it doesn’t keep any pony in if you have idiots as guards or wardens or anything.

She tells Starlight that she has a feeling in her gut that Iron Will isn’t telling the whole truth and there is something more to Fluttershy’s case. Hoofcuff explains that Fluttershy had her own gun pointed at her and questions if Fluttershy was a killer, why didn’t she just put a bullet in Hoofcuff’s head? Finally! We have someone smart around here!

But our only smart character is interrupted by a blaring alarm that says Fluttershy has escaped.

Meanwhile, Snowflake is beating himself up, and by beating himself up I mean that he is imagining his father beating him up, about how Hoofcuff caught Fluttershy before he did.

But his moping will have to wait, because the blaring alarm says that Fluttershy has escaped.

Anyone else getting déjà vu? Oh, well, let’s run with it.

Anyways, Snowflake rushes out into the hallway to see damages similar to what he saw in Griefstadt. He gets a flashlight and scopes out the area, eventually finding the Flutterhulk. He fires his gun at the beast, but the Flutterhulk gets away.

We find Hoofcuff dragging General Iron Will’s unconscious body through the facility to safety. The general, being the loving genius that he is, asks what happened.

Let’s see, Iron Will. Lack of basic common sense. Endless stupidity. Complete incompetence in task. Failure to take job seriously. And he still has a job. Why?!

Hoofcuff and Snowflake are pissed at Iron Will for keeping secrets from them. Frankly, I surprised their not pissed off at how useless he has been. Seriously, what has he done? He didn’t capture Fluttershy! Hoofcuff did! He didn’t call the cops and tell them to discreetly trap Fluttershy so she couldn’t escape! He didn’t make sure Fluttershy couldn’t escape and made sure that only those who knew about Fluttershy’s condition had access to her! The only thing he did was get Hoofcuff involved! That was the only, ONLY smart thing he has done! But that is null and void because he constantly keeps her in the dark! He has been fucking terrible and he doesn’t get any better folks! He just gets stupider!

We cut to Fluttershy who is resting after her last transformation sequence. She wonders through the forest she finds herself in and is attack by a Timberwolf. Fortunately, a strange zebra attacks the Timberwolf, taking it down with ease. And of course if you know the character we are talking about, you know she speaks in rhymes.

“Pony! There is no need to hide! The beast is dead; its meal denied.”

Anyway, the zebra eventually gains the trust of Fluttershy and she comes out. The zebra says

“Pony! I know you’re there! It’s safe! I won’t hurt you!”

… … … … Where the hell is the rhyme?

Anyway, the zebra agrees to help Fluttershy tend to her leg, which got hit in the Timberwolf attack.

We cut back to Hoofcuff where she still is baffled by the Flutterhulk. She talks to Starlight to confirm what she saw. She then starts to make a connection between Flutterhulk and Fluttershy, stating that they are one and the same.

Starlight doesn’t think that it is possible, coming up with the stupidest explanation.

“Um, yeah…but who’s to say she simply passed through the area, and forgot her stuff, maybe bolted when the monster came around.”

No wonder this character is so quickly forgotten.

Hoofcuff response with this…

“Oh…right. But still…it just seems too coincidental I mean, when we came up here, do either of us see a sign that said ‘Giant Monster Storage’?”

Well, it would have at least prevented stupid ponies from walking in there and pissing Fluttershy off!

Anyway, Starlight suggests that Hoofcuff asks the general about the whole thing. We get a pointless flashback about what was seen in an earlier chapter. This wouldn’t normally bother me except that this flashback is word per word the same as the scene we saw in an earlier chapter! Why couldn’t it be changed up and remembered in a different way?!

Snowflake goes over the event in his own mind, recalling the accounts that led up to his injured leg. He becomes obsessed with the Flutterhulk, vowing that he would become what she is.

Iron Will is then shown smoking a cigar like it’s none of his business. However, deep inside himself, he is full of anger that Fluttershy escaped him.

It was because of your idiocy that Fluttershy was able to escape in the first place! Hell, Fluttershy hasn’t been able to outwit you because she’s been smart! She’s only been able to outwit you because all of you are so fucking stupid!

Anyway, Snowflake enters the general’s tent and demands to be told the whole story about Fluttershy and why she is the way she is. Hoofcuff enters as well and the story is told. Iron Will tells them that 25 years ago they decided to duplicate the super soldier serum that created Captain Equestria.

Does that count as a cameo? Or is it just mentioning them?

He mentions that Banner Wing, Fluttershy’s father, was a part of the project and that he tested the serum on his daughter.

Turns out that they believed that Banner Wing had an accident that killed him and Fluttershy disappeared. And there was no investigation for Banner Wing’s accident? I doubt very much that Tree Flower could have covered everything well enough for Fluttershy to come clean.

Anyway, he mentions that Fluttershy worked at Manehatten University, where he says something happened. Though we aren’t told what. Something happened? What is it with you ponies and investigating things?! When something bad happens, you investigate it! You find out what happened and why! That’s what investigations do!

Anyway, Iron Will mentions that he has samples of Banner’s serum and that he is willing to part with some.

We cut back to the zebra’s hut, who we find out is named Zecora, (big surprise right?) who takes in Fluttershy. Zecora uses some medicine on Fluttershy’s leg and tells her to stay in her hut for several days to allow it to heal.

Zecora basically interrogates Fluttershy, asking her if she has anything to hide. After Fluttershy tells her, Zecora laughs and says she knew Fluttershy was good all along.

Trollestia moment! Bum-du-du-du-bump-bump-bump!

Zecora then uses the fireplace as a metaphor for what Fluttershy is going through with her anger. Stating if one let’s the fire go out of control, it will destroy everything in its path. But if one can control the fire, it can bring warmth, light and beauty.

This was actually a great metaphor for what Fluttershy is going through and takes something as simple as a fireplace and applies it to a real world situation.

Fluttershy claims that Zecora has no idea what it means to be alone. Zecora replies.

“Cast out of my homeland. I know loneliness firsthoof.”

… … … … Where the hell is the rhyme?!

I blame that damn Spideremblembrony for this! Damn you to hell, Spideremblembrony!

Zecora then feeds Fluttershy and allows her to sleep in her bed. … Stop thinking like that! It was a kind and honest gesture! Sickos!

We are about halfway through this ladies and gentlemen, so let’s finish off strong!

We get a flashback of Fluttershy going through her school after fighting with Dark Sky. Everypony looking at her as if she is a monster. She is unable to cope with the fact that she was so violent. And that school psychiatrist? Still useless. Nowhere to be found.

We then go to a conversion between Banner Wing and Tree Flower. Tree Flower has just discovered that Banner used his growth serum on Fluttershy. She, of course, is appalled, stating that he never should have injected his daughter like this. She states that he had no right to do this and there were several other ways to help her. Finally, the second semi-smart person in this story!

Fluttershy overhears and wants to know what is going on. Her father finally tells her that he has been experimenting on her with a growth serum, stating that it was to fix her. Because that is exactly what an unstable, potentially violent little girl needs to here. Good job, dad.

Fluttershy takes it about as well as you’d think…

She wakes up in shock and sees that she is still in Zecora’s hut. Fluttershy tells her she has to leave and that Zecora doesn’t need to help her. However, Zecora suggests that she tag along anyway, since creatures in the forest could attack her.

As they wonder the forest Fluttershy tries to start a conversation.

“Um, Zecora…” Fluttershy asked.

“Yes?” Zecora replied, still keeping a watchful eye on the forest.

… … … … You know what I’m going to say, don’t pretend like you don’t.

She asks Zecora about the medicine Zecora used to heal her. They make their way out of the Everfree Forest and into Ponyville. Fluttershy starts freaking out as memories being to play in her mind about her short time being here.

Zecora shook her head. “I’m sorry to say, but here you must stay. For your leg is injured, and you body weak, and I cannot provide enough to make that cease. Whatever pain you have experienced, you must know this: It is in the past, and that means it is no longer a risk.”

… … … … Moving right along

Zecora tells Fluttershy to be careful in Ponyville and is on her way, breaking her rhyme scheme as she leaves.

Hoofcuff stampers around shouting at how much she hates Iron Will.

Stupid bucking idiot!

Hoofcuff, you are my new favorite character! You took the words right out of my mouth!

Hoofcuff tells Snowflake that she doesn’t want anything more to do with the case that makes no damn sense. She states that she’s not equipped to handle monsters, only psychopaths. Honestly, I don’t see the difference.

She gets aboard a … pirate ship… For some reason… Why the hell is there a pirate ship? And for that matter, why is a cop, getting on a pirate ship?! Pirates are murderous thieves! Why the hell would a cop get on a ship with pirates on it?! Why the hell would pirates be out in the open?! Why the hell would the pirates not be discreet about being fucking pirates?! I am serious; they have eye patches and peg-leg and parrots on their shoulders. And they speak with the “Aye, lassie! We be honest pirates!” Why don’t you just carry a flag that says “We are dangerous criminals! We rob, rape, and murder!”?

Remember when I said that Hoofcuff is now my favorite character… That is not true anymore.

We join Fluttershy in Ponyville who is taking in the surroundings when she sees a wanted poster of her.

“WANTED:

Fluttershy Braveheart, for various crimes

Against Equestria including, but not limited to:

Acts of Terror; Destruction of Government Property; and at least five counts of Murder”

She begins to mope about the five murders that she committed. Five families that were torn apart because of her. Five ponies who would never see their loved ones again. Five lives that were probably innocent.

You do realize that you did kill 20 ponies, don’t you? What about the other 15 lives that you took?! Do you not recall killing them?! Or for that matter, does the government not care about the other 15 lives you’ve taken?! Hell, Iron Will at the beginning of the story says that Fluttershy has killed at least 20 ponies. Not griffins, not zebras, ponies! Were they just not that important that no one seems to care?! Or did they just decide that five was enough, despite her killing more?!

Anyways, Fluttershy tries to go into hiding only to run into her mother. And Fluttershy faints for no reason.

We cut back to Snowflake, who is preparing himself for the injection of Banner’s formula. A mad scientist comes in injects Snowflake and then leaves. … Why he was even there, I will never know. The scientist makes a grand entrance, giggling as he injects Snowflake, makes a big deal out of it and then leaves. What was the point?! Was it to show how evil he was? Fine, that’s all well and good but… what does it serve the actual plot?!

Hoofcuff is still riding with the pirates, but they need to stop the ship to make repairs. She angrily rants that the captain should have kept his ship in working order. I’m angrily ranting that the captain should have kept his ship in working order! And let’s be clear, this isn’t a ship in the water, this is a flying zeppelin! I guaran-damn-tee you that not every pony on your ship is a Pegasus! What the hell were you supposed to do if something was a problem before takeoff?! Just have the Pegasus fly off and have everypony fend for themselves?!

Hoofcuff mopes around that she has lost her touch, all because of Fluttershy. She openly states that she feels like a plot hole. … Really? A plot hole?

A plot hole… is a gap or inconsistency in a storyline that goes against the flow of logic established by the story's plot, or constitutes a blatant omission of relevant information regarding the plot sometimes even contradicting itself.

How are you a plot hole? You are the only damn character who makes any kind of sense! Iron Will is an idiot! Snowflake is useless! And Starlight is forgettable! You’ve been the only one so far that has made any logical sense! You were just saying how pissed off you were how bad the pirates are at doing their job?! You are the only character who is actually doing something competently! At least until you jumped on a pirate ship, which I might remind you, is full of criminals! Oh, but there are plot holes to be sure!

Anyway, Hoofcuff gets a call from Iron Will, who offers her information. Iron Will tries to persuade Hoofcuff to come back to his side. Hoofcuff states that she is pretty pissed off at Iron Will for not sharing the information that Fluttershy could transform into a hulking monster. Iron Will says that he wouldn’t have believed her.

You know, Iron Will gets stupider every day! If he had done his job, there would have been no reason to tell her! There would have been no reason for her to find out! For a master tactician, you forget the basics of common sense! Do you just throw plans together and hope they come out okay?! Because that’s not what a master tactician does! They plan, they re-evaluate their plan, they come up with scenarios that could go wrong and they plan for the things that could go wrong!

So far you’re plan to capture Fluttershy has consisted of … Just capture Fluttershy.

Not steps, not plan, just action.

Anyway, Iron Will makes up some bullshit… Get it? … about how he was telling the truth from his point of view and that she should come back and help him catch Fluttershy. He then threatens her by saying that he will call her superiors and tell them that she abandoned a mission for selfish reasons. Hoofcuff is unable to come up with a response and agrees to help Iron Will to save her career.

I would normally tell Hoofcuff to threaten Iron Will back and state that his failure is much worse than hers and that his superiors wouldn’t take kindly to him losing a dangerous criminal when he had her in his hand, but… That would be pointless.

We cut back to Fluttershy who is asleep in her mother’s house. She wakes up and tries to leave without seeing her mother. Her mother tells her to stop and that she still loves her. Tree Flower then asks Fluttershy if this is still about her father…

No, it’s about the puppy she never got when she was six. Of course it’s about her father!

Fluttershy cries saying that her father thought of her as a failure. Tree Flower says she has something to show her. Finally, we see on his death bed that Banner expresses that he was wrong to see Fluttershy as a failure. He now realizes that her imperfections made her special and that he was wrong to try and change her. And he now realizes that he loves her just the way she is.

It’s about freaking time! Seriously, why is Banner not the unstable one in this?

Fluttershy is at peace with her father’s death, getting over her killing him pretty quickly. Personally, I would feel guiltier after seeing the video, but maybe that’s just me.

Tree Flower helps patch up Fluttershy’s leg using the medicine from Zecora and Fluttershy starts beating herself up about how she didn’t write to her mother to tell her that she was okay. She tells the story to her mother of what happened after she left.

We get a flashback of the death scene of Banner from Fluttershy’s point of view. After Fluttershy murders her father, we see her run into a pony by the name of Posey. Posey agrees to take her in, despite Fluttershy raving like a mad pony stating that she is a monster and that she should be locked away.

We cut forward to several years, where Fluttershy has made a steady home with Posey. She mentions how angry she still was with her father. This scene ends as quickly as it began.

The next scene we see is at Manehatten University where Fluttershy is leaving a lecture led by Professor Do. (Which I am assuming is Daring Do since it is never mentioned otherwise.) As Fluttershy is walking home, she spots three kids picking on a three legged dog. Because picking on a four legged one is just not evil enough.

Why are there so many damn jackasses in this fic?! Every other character seems to either be incredibly stupid or just a complete asshole! And sometimes even both! I realize that there are nice people that Fluttershy interacts with but those characters keep getting overshadows by the jackasses we see in every other scene. Most of which hold no point to the story other than to piss Fluttershy off! And heaven forbid, we don’t have more of these characters!

Anyway, they piss Fluttershy off, Flutterhulk smash… blah, blah, blah. I think she ends up killing them. I don’t know it’s never really explained.

Fluttershy finishes her story and tells her mother that she had been on the run ever since. Posey is forgotten as quickly as she appeared and doesn’t appear anywhere else in the story. Tree Flower gets on the phone and calls the train station, saying that she might know somepony who can help her. Fluttershy agrees to travel with her mother to Manehatten.

We then cut to Snowflake who is apparently having a dream. He enters a hall of mirrors and finds himself at one that makes him look like a monstrous version of himself.

He wakes up, claiming that the nightmares he had experience had happened ever since the injection. He goes to wash his face in an attempt to wake himself up and starts to see his father as a specter. This is likely that his sanity is slowly fading.

Wait a minute… Is the serum the thing that affects a pony’s psyche? I know Snowflake was having mental problems before, but they were never this bad. And frankly, that would explain why Fluttershy became mentally unstable after she was injected! But according to Cocktail, that’s not how it worked! Fluttershy was crazy before being injected, that it was in her family history! Again, why the hell did it need to be in her family history if this serum could have just as easily solved the problem of making Fluttershy go insane?! Especially sense Cocktail is never seen or heard from again!

Anyway, his father convinces him that he needs to find Fluttershy and prove that he can beat her.

Hoofcuff is back at a motel, since the pirates have a broken down zeppelin. Seriously, even the pirates are incompetent. Forced into a motel, Hoofcuff begins to think about if she should report Iron Will to his superiors for blackmail. You know you could go with a long list of things that he could be reported for, right? In fact, all you’d have to say was that Iron Will had Fluttershy in his grasp and because of his fuck up, she escaped and bam, problem solved! Worst villain gone! Everyone is happier!

She gets a package from a delivery pony and then proceeds to bitch at the delivery pony. For no real reason.

“Don’t have to be such a bitch...” he grumbled, causing Hoofcuff to shout after him.

“I’m not a bitch!”

Actually, you are. You just yelled at a delivery pony for no good reason! I understand that Iron Will pissed you off, but that doesn’t mean you have to be a bitch to every single character! Maybe that’s why Hoofcuff never thought of using that information against Iron Will; because she is too busy being a bitch to see clearly!

It turns out, the packaged contains several photos and files on a pony named Tree Flower from Iron Will. … Wow, these post ponies must be fast. Anyway, Hoofcuff combs through the files and fails to see what Fluttershy has to do with this seemingly pointless pony. I would say something about Iron Will here, but I’m saving it.

She finds a sheet of paper that reads that there is a “possible connection” to Fluttershy and Tree Flower… A possible connection? Really?! Fluttershy’s father, Tree Flower’s husband, worked for your government! You openly stated that he worked on the super soldier growth hormone that is in Fluttershy’s body! You mean to tell me that you never once ran a background check on Banner’s life and if you did, you didn’t discover that he was married?! I think it is required by law to document the marriage! Are you telling me that they couldn’t find a damn marriage license?!

Anyway, the message states that Tree Flower should be watched at all times, in case Fluttershy returns to her. But Iron Will is not that smart to make the possible connection between the two, despite that a simple marriage license and blood analysis would prove that.

Hoofcuff rushes downstairs with her hope renewed that she will captured Fluttershy. Iron Will is there … Wow, that guy goes places… He tells her that he and his troops are ready to go. And this time, no pony will stop him from being his stupid ass self and letting Fluttershy slip through his fingers!

Tree Flower and Fluttershy start to walk around the park. Fluttershy starts freaking out that the government will find her. Tree Flower assures her that won’t happen. It’s not like Tree Flower has been under surveillance for several years and that the government could be on their tail right now… Oh, wait!

So they attempt to get to the office of Dr. Sound Mind, when suddenly they are attacked by the Equestrian military. Finally, some competence! The ponies use a net to trap Tree Flower. Tree Flower orders Fluttershy to run and she reluctantly replies. She runs into the woods until she is attacked by Snowflake. She gets ticked off and goes New Fluttershy.

Flutterhulk and Snowflake have a brief fight where it ends with this.

Puny Pegasus…

We cut to the Flutterhulk, who … for some reason is now over a tank… Thanks for showing us that. She sees her mother and attempts to rescue her.

Hoofcuff rushes over to Tree Flower and places her under arrest, which Flutterhulk doesn’t take well. Hoofcuff is about to be crushed by Flutterhulk when Tree Flower stops her. Flutterhulk then picks up her mother and the two escape.

Tree Flower and Flutterhulk have brief conversation, and by conversation I mean one-sided conversation, where Tree Flower discovers that Flutterhulk isn’t a monster. … It only took us 14 chapters to establish her as a hero.

Fluttershy wakes up and discovers that her mother is alright and they are outside the Everfree Forest. Fluttershy is freaking out because she transformed in front of her mother and that she thinks of herself as a monster. Tree Flower explains that Flutterhulk saved her and that she is not as mindless as she seems.

Tell that to the 20 ponies who’ve died because of her. Oh, sorry, five.

Tree Flower says she needs to let go of her past and that Fluttershy needs to stop blaming herself for everything that has happened.

"I had to first let go of twenty-three years of wondering what I had done wrong or what I could have done or said to prevent all this –"

Are you saying this story has taken the course of three years to come to this point? Starting from where she was fired from her job in Griefstien to this exact point? Sure seems like it.

Anyway, the two agree to stick together and ride it out, saying that Fluttershy will find a way to control it.

Hoofcuff tries to call Starlight for help, but he has been dismissed because of his broken leg. Thank you, Starlight. You provided so much to the story with your… um… what exactly did you do again?

Oh, yeah. I forgot.

Hoofcuff begins to reminisce about the events with the Flutterhulk. She goes over that Iron Will had her believe that the Flutterhulk was a mindless beast that cares for nothing. However, as she saw with Tree Flower, the beast is capable of compassion and mercy.

She goes over in her mind the brief examination she was able to do on Fluttershy and discovers that Fluttershy is a paranoid, frightened character who just wants to be left alone.

We get an author’s note about how he wrote this during a month time and most of it was spent in the early hours in the morning. 3:00 am. … Just thought it was interesting how this chapter is the best by far. ... Just saying

Fluttershy and Tree Flower begin their quest towards Manehatten. They come across a stag, who says he’d be happy to take them to a town called Tree Branch stating that he was on his way there. Hey, who knows why a strange stag is wondering the forest heading towards Tree Branch?... Me neither.

The stag, who I guess is named Will, takes them to Tree Branch and invites them into his house. Yeah! Because I would just let a random stranger that I found in the woods stay at my house!

Will takes the pair to his home and tells them to help themselves to the guest bedroom.

Fluttershy and Tree Flower are about to fall asleep when …

“HEY! SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP YOU JERKS!”

I’m… I’m.. not scared…

It turns out that somebody made some noise outside and that it came from a stallion. The pair go back to sleep without giving it a second thought. … What did that have to do with anything?

Fluttershy and Tree Flower make their way to the train station where they start to talk about when Fluttershy ran into Firefly. Oh, yes, because she was so important that she had to be mentioned again! Because your friendship and bond with one another was so well developed that she had to be mentioned in this scene, even though she has no point in being in this scene!

“Um yeah. You never told me that she had a daughter. In fact you never mentioned her at all,”

Because she is fucking pointless! What significant factor in this plot has she played?! Nothing! As far as this plot goes, Firefly has been fucking pointless!

Anyway, the two get on the train to go to Manehatten to see Dr. Cheerilee… Wait a minute! I thought we were going to see Dr. Sound Mind?! What the hell happened to that plan?! What? Did he decide to reschedule and they managed to call another scientist while they were using Will’s bed?! If so, where the hell was that scene?! Seems kind of important to go from one scientist to another! Important enough to give information of why!

Anyway, they get to Manehatten and antics ensue. Remember that scene in the Incredible Hulk where the taxi driver tried to piss off Bruce? …. That scene with ponies.

The two get off the streets and into the subway. There Fluttershy meets a filly with a dark green jacket. … I don’t know or care, let’s just move on.

She sees an article about Rarity revealing herself to be *Spoilers* *Spoilers* *Spoilers*

Fluttershy secretly can’t wait to get to Dr. Cheerilee.

Neither can I.

We cut to Hoofcuff who is searching the subway to find Fluttershy. She stumbles on a filly with a dark green jacket who says that she saw Fluttershy... That felt pretty damn contrived.

Hoofcuff gets on the train and stays close to Fluttershy and Tree Flower, keeping out of sight. We then change to Fluttershy’s point of view in the next sentence, which seemed rather abrupt. Fluttershy says that she can’t wait for the nightmare to be over.

Iron Will sits on his ass while waiting on Hoofcuff to find Fluttershy.

Figures...mares do tend to get skittish.

And now he’s sexist! To top it all off with his stupidity and uselessness, he is also sexist! God, I hate this character!

Tree Flower and Fluttershy finally… Finally! Make their way to Dr. Cheerilee’s lab. We get some pointless bits about Fluttershy wanting a romantic relationship, despite this never being brought up in pervious chapters. Except for one time which doesn’t make any sense in the first place? Unless she had a thing for Gus…

Anyway, the two finally meet Dr. Cheerilee, who only has one front leg.

Cameos… you want ‘um… We sure as hell got um…

Dr. Cheerilee invites them into her home and asks about Fluttershy’s condition. Meanwhile, Fluttershy looks through Cheerilee’s home and see books on lizards. She looks around the lab to see more books on lizards, mice and rats. Because that is so important to this story.

Eventually, Fluttershy agrees to give Dr. Cheerilee a blood sample in the hopes that Cheerilee can help her.

Hoofcuff watches and waits for Iron Will to arrive. Iron Will flies down in his zeppelin, no doubt causing a loud sound as he descends.

Really subtle genius,

Even Hoofcuff herself knows that Iron Will is a complete moron.

Hoofcuff tells the military where Fluttershy is and Snowflake makes an appearance. Took him a while to be seen or mentioned again. How the hell did he recover from Flutterhulk beating the hell out of him?! And for those of you about to say, it was the super serum that Fluttershy is injected with, Fluttershy needs medicine to heal from simple injuries! And you’re telling me that Snowflake can regenerate taking a beating from the Flutterhulk, simply because he took the same damn serum?!

Cheerilee takes Fluttershy and Tree Flower to the top of her lab, where they discover she likes lizards. Because it wasn’t clear to us in the previous chapter! Not with all those books on reptiles lying around! Dear lord, no, we needed to add as many lizards in Dr. Cheerilee’s lab as possible, just to get the point across that maybe, she likes lizards! Because lizards added so much to this story already that we just had to have more! We had to have more!

So anyway, Cheerilee tries to get some information and blood out of Fluttershy, but she isn’t very talkative. However, eventually Fluttershy tells Cheerilee that she doesn’t remember what happens when she transforms and doesn’t know what it is like.

So, Cheerilee is able to take a sample of Fluttershy’s blood and is able to explain why Fluttershy transforms. Cheerilee reveals that Fluttershy changes because of anger or stress…

Are you fucking kidding me?! You are telling us, you are telling Fluttershy, something she should already know! And yet, she acts like she fucking doesn’t have a fucking clue!

She went to a university for God’s sake and she doesn’t have a fucking clue what adrenaline is?! She should already know what the hell is it means! Remember Posey, the one who sent you to Manehatten University? How the hell do you not … Never mind, let’s move on…

Cheerilee attempts another test saying that she wants to induce a transformation on Fluttershy. Saying that she can stop the transformation… How? She uses Haloperidol, which is used on patients with schizophrenia. Why the hell she has this in her lab, I have no idea. She plans to simply inject the medication into Fluttershy and hope it works.

Which is completely insane! She is going to simply jump into something and cross her fingers? (If she had any) Not the point! The point is science isn’t something you just do! Science is something that is carefully planned out and tested several times to achieve a result. It goes from small scale testing to large scale testing. This would make infinitely more sense if she did the small test successfully, but that never happened! And instead, we are forced to think that Cheerilee is a fucking moron!

Fluttershy eventually agrees saying that she is not afraid… Nope, I’m not even going to try anymore.

Fluttershy is then knocked out by a tranquilizer dart.

We then cut to a few moments earlier, where Snowflake has a sniper rifle pointed at the back of Fluttershy’s head. His father then tells him to take the shot, though he insists on waiting for Iron Will.

However, his father rants in his head and takes down Fluttershy. And Iron Will comes up to congratulate him, once again proving how useless he has been.

Cheerilee is being interrogated by the military about Fluttershy’s blood. Snowflake comes up to Cheerilee and demands that he be given Fluttershy’s blood so he can become what Fluttershy was.

Okay, what?! Shouldn’t he already be what Fluttershy is?! As far as I know, there is no difference between what was injected into Fluttershy compared to what was injected into Snowflake! There is no mention of anything that happens beyond what Fluttershy was injected with by her father! By all rights, Snowflake should already be a hulking monster! Why the hell does this thing not make sense?!

Anyway, Cheerilee injects him with Fluttershy’s blood and he becomes a red monster. He loses his mind and decides to attack Fluttershy.

Fluttershy awakens to see herself and her mother imprisoned in a mobile jail… In the same room? Don’t ask.

We get a pointless bit of dialogue with another pointless character before Iron Will shows up. And starts to interrogate Fluttershy.

Iron Will says the Fluttershy will be used to benefit Equestria as he sees fit.

“And what pray tell would that accomplish? Oh master of military blunders?”

I couldn’t have said it any better myself, Hoofcuff.

Hoofcuff lets Iron Will have it way worse than I did. It’s like the author finally realized that Iron Will was fucking useless all along.

Iron Will fires her and is locks her up for insubordination.

Fluttershy, Tree Flower and Hoofcuff start to talk and enjoy their prison when suddenly something exciting happens.

Snowflake attacks the prison car and demands the Fluttershy face him in combat. When Fluttershy can’t transform, despite her adrenalin probably skyrocketing, (oh, wait she doesn’t know what that is, never mind), Snowflake threatens her mother. And then she transforms… Make sense?

The two fight for a while and really… I’m not feeling it… It’s a cool fight scene don’t get me wrong, but this is the climax, right? The one scene where we see the Flutterhulk challenged by a force greater than her own and … it really doesn’t capture me. Hell, Flutterhulk is beating the hell out of Snowflake half the fight with no sign that Flutterhulk is in danger or in trouble. I don’t feel concerned or even emotionally invested because there doesn’t seem to be a threat. I realize Snowflake threatened her mother, but what threat is he to Flutterhulk? Almost nonexistent. I feel like the climax was, is Fluttershy going to transform to beat the hell out of Snowflake or not.

Anyway, Flutterhulk beats the hell out of Snowflake and almost kills him. Only to be stopped by her mother.

Hoofcuff is shown speaking with N.E.I.G.H.S and is offered a job to protect Fluttershy and Tree Flower.

We cut to Fluttershy and Tree Flower eating a cake baked by Pinkie Pie (good thing it wasn’t cupcakes). Anyway, Pinkie Pie tells her to hang in there and we end up with the two being friends.

Now I presume judgment upon it… I ask for silence please…
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BUT JUST BARELY!

This was a decent fic at its best. There were some good things to come out of it. The descriptions were very well done, the plot was… sort of interesting, and Hoofcuff was pretty cool. Hoofcuff carried the story, which is sad considering this is about Fluttershy. She was the only intelligent character in the story and mostly because every other character was a complete moron.

The father was very interesting. I know I bitched a lot about it, but to be honest I really did like it. I thought it was good that her father was a bit mental and that it was a growth for him as well as Fluttershy. I really did like that and that it all came together in the end.

The fight scene at the end was not bad, though it being the only fight scene in the whole thing was a bit of a letdown. I understand that character development is important, but in a superhero action fic, there needs to be well… Superhero action! And not just superhero action, superhero suspense! Every time the Flutterhulk was on screen I never was once worried about her in any way, shape, or form. The Flutterhulk just blazed through everything that got in her way. Hell, Snowflake wasn’t even that much of challenge to her.

Iron Will was a waste of a character and the biggest idiot the story had to offer! For being a master tactician and someone who is supposed to be taken seriously, I can’t help but scratch my head at some of the stupid decisions he made.

There was way, WAY too many unnecessary characters. They only slowed down the plot, especially in the middle. Cocktail, Firefly, Gilda, Gus, Will, every single one of those characters severed no purpose. The only character that made a cameo in this that I can say actually accomplished anything was Zecora. All the other characters were freaking pointless.

Now, I would like to say something to Avenging-Hobbits… I am sorry. I was one of your proofreaders… I was one who you trusted to find and fix mistakes and continuity issues. And I fucked up… Most of the problems I have with this story could have been avoided if I had been a good proofreader and pointed these things out to you. After all, that’s what a good proofreader does, they find plot holes and they encourage you to fix them. That was something I failed to do and I’m sorry. I can’t say that I would have spotted everything or that this fic would have been perfect, but a lot of the consistency problems could have at least been fixed.

All in all, a decent fic. Contains some swearing and violence, although if you’ve read through this review, chances are you are okay with the language.

And that is my review of Harmony’s Warriors: Flutterhulk. If you disagree, feel free to comment below.

Anyway, come January I will be reviewing a fan fic so bad, that is has earned its place as one of bronies most hated. My Little Unicorn: Magic is Believing!

Comments

[Avenging-Hobbits]

I'm kidding.

In hindsight yes the first act in particular is really sloppy, and the subsequent acts suffer from character overload (Fluttershy, Iron Will, Tree Flower and Hoofcuff).

Now, here comes the key question?

Is it possible to fix these issues without completely gutting and starting over?

Because I obviously want to keep the quality top notch.

And yes, in hindsight I should have focused on just Snowflake and cut Hoofcuff out entirely. Not that I don't like Hoofcuff, but in this case, she ended up eating up story chunks that could have been devoted to Snowflake.

I stand by that Gilda cameo though. I do need SOME fan service.

But yeah in hindsight, it did get over complicated, which is really ironic since I wanted this to be as straightforward as possible.

Fuck.

[spideremblembrony]

1517643 I would leave it as is. There are problems to be sure, but it's not like I want you to start over. Every mistake we make is a lesson we learn, I just want you to be aware of those mistakes. For the most part the story was still well done and a little detail in the future can make this story make more sense. I don't want you to feel like you did a bad job. There are things I could have done better as a proofreader as well.

[Avenging-Hobbits]

1517782 Yeah that's what I figured.

And of course, I do intend to tie things together and explain things that happened here.

This universe is going to be really interconnected, so future stories will have some seemingly random cameos, when really, that character is busy with their own story, which can either be told as it's own full-length story, or as a one-shot.

[Commando-Scarecrow]

1517643 I just got finished reading this whole thing (wow )

And I think that I would recommend starting over and maybe making some characters show up earlier and do stuff. Maybe introduce Gilda by having her chase after Fluttershy freelance, then backing off when she meets Fluttershy in that bar/restaurant and has come to understand her a lot better, maybe have her become an ally of sorts mess up Iron Will's operation from the inside.Also, maybe drop the name 'Belle' when talking about the hardware or something.

Granted, this is all just speculation from a person who's read the review, and not the story itself, so you can take it however you want.

[Avenging-Hobbits]

1517822 You should read the story.

I'm going to leave it. I'm already reworking Iron Mare, so reworking Flutterhulk is just too much work.