Equinox of Ashes, a self review.

Ah, yes, Equinox of Ashes... more like Equinox of Shit!

Honestly, I knew this story needed a lot of work, but my Celestia this is by far the worst pile of fecal literacy I have ever visually had the misfortune of editing. And you know what the worst part is?

I wrote it!

Cons:

Alright, let's start with a small yet cumbersome problem.

Why in the hell is this story over 100,000 words long? What, am I writing the encyclopedia Equinnica? There is no reason this should be necessary. The descriptive content alone is enough to write two complete fictions.

Then, there's the first chapter. *Sighs* Here we go.

The last person that reviewed Equinox couldn't get passed the Prologue, and I'm surprised he even got that far. It really shows his vigilance after reading what passes for a description in this unholy stain upon my life.

(Note: These are parts to the original description, the one I deleted and rewrote.)

The wind bared the sting of Solar Flare as she burned Equestria in her madness.

This ripped apart the world and filled the nihility with great suffering.

What will Argyle do in the final struggle between Mortals and Gods?

What the fuck am I even talking about? So, according to my descripting, Solar Flare is going at Equestria with the world's largest lighter and aerosol can? How in the hell can fire rip apart the world? Why is there even a nihility? And since when does suffering have mass? And maybe Argyle will challenge all to an arm wrestling match, then feel a cold chill up his ass and rip the fabric of space time with his Merry Sue powers (I will get into that later).

I can hear him now, Heliostorm's reaction while he reviewed Equinox — "Discord's black bones" (this is a reference to his story Fragment).

Now, I have one complaint, one little complaint, why is this prologue so damn vague?! What is any prologue's function? It gives the reader an idea of what's going on, right?

Well, guess what? Read this and you will be like, .

First off, you pretty much deal with the most cliché antagonist you could ever want, and watch as Luna is defeat by being blinked at! Are you kidding me?

Why Celestia suddenly thinks killing everypony that defies her is a good idea I don't know, considering she already had Equestria under her compete control. And I'm not even going to start on the whole Nightmare-Moon-being-alive-in-Luna's-head crap. What is she doing inside Luna's head in the first place? Why even?

*Jazz hands*

That's why. Your guess is as good as mine, since Loren Faust herself claimed Nightmare was dead in more or so words.

And then enter Argyle, who is boldly almost proclaimed the protagonist, after Luna loses the suspenseful staring contest...of doom!

He is a true testament of self control.

"Pinkie, where's Rarity?" I was about to put the cupcake down, but something made me want to at least taste it.

I took a bite out of it, then put it down.

Pinkie huffed like she had been holding her breath, then grinned at me. "Oh, I would not be worried about her." She giggled.

He is the very meaning of cool-under-fire

"Fuuuucking whooaaaahhh!"

He is brilliant and cunning.

I raised my eye brow. "Huh?"

His mastery of martial arts sets a shining example for all.

He readied his wing razors to impale me. My body ran right into his right one. The tip dug into my side.

He is a pillar of strength and versatility.

After clothing Argyle with a tarp, Augeron finished pulling on his belt, then noticed Argyle gave out.

His voice can move entire nations.

"Aaaaaahhhhh!"

He also sucks the balls off a brass monkey.

Listen, let's be honest, there are way better Human characters out there. Argyle's personality is a bloody mess. He was shy, then he hears voices in his head, then he gets cold and now he's not shy anymore, and then he turns into an arrogant ass for no reason.

Why?

Because he always sucked!

And even with these fatal flaws, he still somehow survives all this shit?! Wha- what the F@#%?!

His fighting scenes are like how a two year old plays tag. You touch him then he screams, Nope! I used shield!

Wait a second....

Bolts of energy deflected and burst off somekind of shield protecting me.

That son of a bitch....

Anyway. I'm still trying to figure out how this diarrhea slide of a plot makes sense, let alone how Arugula fits into all this while making any sense, or why I even included him at all in my grand edit to Equinox. Mischief makes more sense than him, and he's also funny.

And the worst part of this is?

I actually defended this!

Yes, I even on one rare occasion sent someone an rather heated message back after seeing their review. Of course, that might had something to do with me having a rather dismal time that day, so he caught me at a bad time (I talked to him. We're cool now...I hope).

Anyway, I for a moment there became something truly horrible. I became one of those people. Yeah, you know, the kind that ask for reviews, only to defend their works when they hear the truth.

This is FiMfiction. You will and can always recover, and if you need help just ask.

Ah, yes, now the plot.

Not even Ptolemy himself could plot this plot!

Every time you flip a chapter the plot changes. I mean, there's like three different plots going on at the same time; somehow I was insane enough to try and connect this mess together by saying Alastar was Gurgles Oreo's distant relative. Who the hell cares?! What does that have to do with Solar Flare?

Seriously, what the plot?!

The dreams make even less sense, as after chapter three Argyle Wonderpants has some random ass dream about four completely detached characters that have no plot importance until like chapter ten, and that's just Starswirl.

Prism is a complete waste of time, it has no real plot value, and what is a chapter with no value called?

A stain of rhinoceros diarrhea skid marks attempting to resemble coherent story telling!

Or it's a comedy fiction, then it's okay.

But this is just naming a few chapters.

Now for the putrid milk stain upon this abomination, the grammar!

What grammar you ask? Good fucking question! I have no idea. It took a vacation. Discord snuck into my room and wiped his ass on my keyboard.

*Looks down, then realizes that's probably where the strange relocating stains came from*

Ahem, well, anyway, I look back on this part and just feign the urge to vomit. It's a mess, an irreversible mess. I have spent near to four months editing out the kinks, then realized about a few days ago those weren't kinks, just patches of brain dead thinking.

Now, with my eyes open to it, I look upon my works (oh yeah, it works you alright, like a ten dollar hooker), and just-

.

I mean, here, look at these miracles of writing.

"Tide to dark, parasite of light!"

Like every time before, my body moved on its own and gave that beast no chance. It charged with a howl that would've made an immortal feel finite.

"Winds shatter all who cannot flee."

"His mind shattered."

"His body broken."(what, I'm dangling participles now?)

"Burn in validity!"

.
.
.
What was I thinking?!

By the wisdom of Buddha's third chin this was horrible. What, is a tidal wave going to swipe Luna off her hooves into some dark abyss? Maybe that's what I meant by filling the nihility with great suffering?

Now Argyle Hairypalms is losing control over his bodily noises? Man, sucks to be him. *Laughs at the last part* Argyle Superpooperscooper couldn't make a wet noodle feel limp.

Burn in valid? I don't even- but that's just-...what?!

And these are just some examples out of probably 20,000 (I am being lenient on this one with that number, as I'm sure there are many more).

Oh, and the second person third person hybrid point of view? Yeah, it's stupid. It's nothing but a hassle to keep up with, and to vomit on this shit pile it fools people into thinking Argyle is a...self-insert.

*Runs into bathroom, washes mouth out with soup, then returns*

Why would I do this? I will explain later, but I'm just scratching the surface of this beast. We'd be here all night if I got into all of it, so I'm stopping here.

Now, you're probably thinking at this point, Ferrum, why is Equinox this way? You had no trouble building this review, so what's up?

Okay, maybe you thought that, maybe not, but there is a serious reason why this story turned out like this.

It's simple, I designed it to fail. Why?

Well, when I first started writing on FiMfiction I was taking my GED. I am also a huge fan of MLP (*gasps*), so I thought I could use FiMfiction to help practice both my story writing and essay skills. That's why the story is in second person for Argyle, since essays are in second person, and why the other parts are in third person, since good stories are mostly in third person.

Now don't get me wrong, there are good second person stories out there, but Equinox is not one of them.

But seriously, when I started writing I never intended it to carry anywhere and was going to delete it after I was done, since it was purely an experimental play ground. That story was called the Apprentice if anypony remembers. Yep, that's right. Equinox and the Apprentice are one and the same.

So, I decided to repost it and attempt to fix its flaws after I saw some people actually liked it, but it's flawed by design, so I can't. Sorry, but this story is madness. It has no direction. It never really did. It was and still is a simple means-to-an-end.

Pros:

*Bursts out laughing* Alright, something that's actually good in Equinox of Anuses, also known as the Apprentice 2.0?

Hmmm, give me a minute.... Oh, the Characters. Of course, provided the Merry Sues are calmed down, a lot, the rest are pretty cool I think.

To name a few, I like General Arco, Zaner Lipizzan, Fernsworth, Mischief and the other four like him, Canagan and Augeron, plus many more I have yet to use (thank God for that).

I did find some of the third person parts to be the best out of all of the random dribble. In fact, all the good parts are in third person. My favorites are when Luna goes into the Everfree by herself to find Zacora, and when Augeron and Canagan take Argle Bargle to the hospital.

Conclusion:

Ahem, whatever you do, just stay away. If you have any need for a story that makes sense, has an easy to follow plot, or just isn't crap between readable spots here and there, stay far, far, away.

Read a real story, any story — like the Hatchet, or the Halo Trilogy, or any of Gideon Defoe's The Pirates!, or even Finnegan's Wake by James Joyce.

While you're at it, read these too. Help Thy Lonely Soul, Twilight at the Disco.

I would rather eat my own toe nails after two weeks of working in a landfill with sandals than read this cliché snore inducer.

To make matter worse it actually is rather good in certain spots, but then Argyle comes in with the velocity of a cybernetic cheetah being shot out of a mortar and ruins it!

In other words, this story had potential, but now it sucks.

I donno guys, maybe one day I might return and gut this abomination and restart from scratch, but for now I am going to write some other ideas I have been stewing over for the past few months.

Since some seem to like it I will keep it posted. If you guys still like it after reading through it all *shutters*, let me know and I will continue the story and post more chapters. Frankly, I don't much care anymore for it. It's hardly worth my time trying to fix, if that's possible, let alone anyone's time reading it, but I'm leaving up to you guys on this one.

Thank you for reading this far, if any of you did. Shows your resilience, and that some of you still care. :D

Even though I have only eighteen followers, I really do love what I do, and I want to put out material that shows it. So, I am going to start on a subject that has hardly been touched on, the land of Gryphon. Well, until again!

Veleo.

Comments

[GhostWriter17]

This entire post was absolutely beautiful. One of the best reviews I've ever had the pleasure of reading. Ever.

Especially since it's a self review. That's even more impressive. Plus, the Gif's were perfect. I mean, wow, that was intense. I think you now win the award for "Favorite Blog Post that Ghost has read" award!
Conglauration!

Wait....

Love always and forever,
-Ghost