Things not to do while in Equestria

A list of things I will not do should I ever find my way to Equestria, taken from this thread on derpyboo.ru

I'm posting this here mostly for something to do while I chew through some writer's block, and because, hey, I think some of these are funny.

-I will not attempt to smoke poison joke.
-I will not attempt to get any pony to smoke poison joke.
-I will not sell the CMC cigarettes. Again.
-I will not hide bondage gear in Carousel Boutique.
-I will not try to drink any pony under the table.
-I will not claim my 10th Mountain tattoo is my cutie mark for being "fucking badass" even if it is on my ass.
-I will not teach the CMC to curse.
-I will not try to recreate the plot of Stranger in a Strange Land
-I will not give Celestia a copy of The Prince. This goes double for Luna.
-I will not attempt to convince any pony that they are the Dovahkin.
-I will not attempt to convince Twilight Sparkle that she is the Kwizatz Haderach.
-I will not attempt to get Rainbow Dash drunk just to see what it looks like when a pegasus flies while under the influence.
-I will not try to lead a military coup to take over Ponyville.
-I will not send marriage proposals to Rarity, forging the names of any member of Royalty.
-I will not try to introduce punk rock to Equestria.
-I will not make meaningful throat cutting gestures at Angel, Diamond Tiara, or Prince Blueblood.
-I will not refer to the Princesses, or any other figure of Canterlot nobility as "filthy aristos."
-I will not ask Princess Celestia if the sun shines out of her ass.
-I will not show Cannibal Holocaust to Fluttershy.
-I will not refer to Bonbon as "Candy Ass"
-I will not speculate at the flavor of anypony’s genitals.
-I will not tell Spike that he’s been eating blood diamonds.
-I will not seig heil Celestia, its unfair and the action of a complete cock holster.
-I will not seig heil Blueblood. He doesn’t get why he should be offended.
-I will not leave erotic fanfic stashed around Carousel Boutique
-I will not read the complete works of H P Lovecraft to the CMC as a bed time story.
-I will not try to convince Lyra that she’s on the Truman Show.
-I will not suggest that the Cakes start making erotic cakes.
-I will not try to convince Zecora to get a grill.
-I will not tell Twilight about the existence of the Twilight novels. Even I’m not that much of a bastard.
-I will not tell the CMC how cool an 87th Airborne cutie mark would be.
-I will not try to convince Twilight that Star Trek, Dune, Judge Dredd, the Terminator, Mad Max or Fallout are accurate representations of human nature.
-I will not slap Flash Sentry in the face and yell at him about terrible grammar. That was the work of an entirely different moron, not him, therefore I will find another reason to slap him (not because he boned Twilight, which he definitely did, I just think he looks really, really punchable.)
-I will not refer to Rainbow Dash as the annoying blue one. That doesn’t narrow things down enough.
-I will not slip Pinkie horse tranquilizers.
-I will not try to convince anypony that they evolved from man.
-I will not speak like the aliens from Battlefield Earth.
-I will not speculate on whether or not any pony needs to get laid.
-I will not shout "For Christ’s sake just fuck already and get it over with!" anytime I see Applejack and Rarity arguing. They already do that on a regular basis.
-I will stay out of everyponies shed, cellar and basement. Nothing good happens in these places.
-I will refrain from speculating about the possible erotic purpose of any piece of clothing Rarity makes, or at least I will refrain from speculating when Sweetie Belle is in earshot.
-I will not utter the phrase "fuck it, lets go get drunk and set shit on fire" more than once a week.
-I will not devote a significant portion of my time devising a plan to kill every pony I meet just in case.
-I will at least hide my plan to kill every pony I meet better next time, oh come on Pinkie I’m just trying to be prepared! Please stop crying, no I don’t think you’re a psychotic killer.
-I will not spread rumors that any pony I don’t like is a psychotic killer.
-I will not ask Celestia her opinion on bananas. It was funny once.
-I will not ask ponies where I can find tobacco or marijuana.
-I will not act on any thought that causes me to laugh maniacally.
-I will not claim to be going through Ponn Farr for any reason.
-I will not quote Wrath of Khan.
-I will not find poisonous, viscous or just plain disgusting critters just to see how much Fluttershy really loves animals.
-I will not grab the Great and Powerful Trixie and administer a Great and Powerful beating until such time as she agrees to stop talking the third person.
-I will not refer to myself as the "Greater and More Powerful than Trixe Gasmask Angel."
-I will not try to convince any pony that I am the leader of the human race, at least not for the express written purpose of soliciting bribes.
-I will not speculate about the flammability of Twilight’s library.
-I will not speculate on the flammability of anypony’s residence.
-Or place of business.
-I will not loiter around Bill’s All Night Oily Rags and Lighters Emporium.
-I will not offer to draw anypony like one of my french mares.
-especially not stallions.
-I will not claim to be a highlander.
-I will not use this thread as a checklist.
-I will not take this thread as a challenge.
-I will not attempt to introduce the concept of property insurance to ponyville, then skip town with the premiums next time it gets destroyed.
-I will not interpret everything Rarity says as a sexual innuendo. I will only interpret 1/3 of the things she says as sexual innuendo as is the actual rate.
-I will not try to convince any pony that they are the 6,000,000 Bit Mare.
-I will not accuse ponies I don’t like as being a part of a conspiracy to overthrow Celestia.
-I will not see how much annoyance it takes to make Rarity contemplate murder.
-I will not get Pinkie to help me make bombs or drugs using the excuse that its just human baking.
-I will not try to get Twilight to let me borrow her chemistry set for any reason, but most specifically not if I intend to use it to make any form of narcotics.
-I will not tell Twilight she has a drinking problem as the hypocrisy would be sickening.