G3 = The Generation of Sues

Honestly, pretty much every character in G3 My Little Pony is a Mary Sue. You don't need to make a Sue for them because they're all already Sues.

Think about it. Every story is about beauty getting even more beautiful, cute getting even cuter, and awesome becoming even more awesome. Every day is essentially better than the last, and nothing really happens there beyond a pony fretting that her party will end in disaster when she could just ask for a few helping hooves to prevent that from happening (but then that would erase the existence of the episode, which would not please the stockholders).

Every episode is about having fun. Each episode starts out with the question, "We're having fun right now, but there's a way for us to have even more fun - what is it?" That is the exact thesis to a Mary Sue story. Fun becomes more fun. All that happens is that the characters get to be attention hogs and live it up as much as possible in the most sickeningly G-rated way imagineable.

Don't believe me? I'll prove it to you.

A Very Minty Christmas - Minty thinks it would be more "fun" if the candy cane on top of the Christmas tree were a bit straighter. Her OCD takes over and after she breaks the candy cane on accident, she progressively perceives her situation as being less and less "fun", seeking "fun" but not necessarily logical means of getting out of it and making things right. (Case in point: embarking on an increasingly-complex crusade to make up for her latest mistake when she could have just told someone after she broke the damn thing. Paddles don't exist in her world anyway; what's she afraid of?) Somehow this escalates into a fun balloon ride to find Fatass Claus, who (in this heavily-genderized world where the inclusion of Spike the Dragon seems forced and reluctant), to the surprise of absolutely no one, is a no-show - but has somehow managed to not only fix Minty's problem by the time she gets back but, as Santa is apt to do, left some extra besides. A Very Minty Christmas is so "fun" you'll need a whole bottle of Listerine to get rid of the aftertaste. Actually, you'll need two - and I personally drink the first one straight. No bullshit.

A Charming Birthday - Razzaroo's having fun tracking the surprise parties she throws for every pony citizen at least once. There's no logical reason she does it; she just wants herself and others (more importantly) to have fun, and this time she decides it would be fun to surprise the hardest-to-surprise pony in town ever. And then her idiot friends decide it would also be fun to make this guest of honor charm bracelets (hence the episode's name) that are so freaking big even Paul Bunyan would ask for them in a smaller size. They do come to their senses and make one that's actually a wearable size by the end of the episode, but they still insist on adorning the poor pony's house with a scaled-up replica that might raise her home insurance premiums way too high - or worse yet, fall through her roof and not be covered by her insurance. But hey, all in the name of "fun", right? Who said being conventional was "fun"?

The "Special Day" shorts - These are clip shows lovingly dedicated to one of the flattest characters ever developed, a descriptor which coincidentally fits all the freaking ponies in Ponyville. All that happens is they reflect on some of the times that were the most "fun" and centered around a certain character, depending on whose "day" it was. And the whole point of these "special days" is to have fun. That goes without saying. Nothing happens in these episodes beyond serving as affirmations that if their world were anything remotely like ours their lives would revolve entirely around eating, drinking and having as much slutty sex as possible. But it's G-rated, so it's only fruit cocktails and free nuzzles all around, 'kay?

The Runaway Rainbow - Life will become decidedly less fun if they lose their rainbows! Which, for no apparent reason, they have to satisfy by grooming their new "rainbow princess" properly and ensuring she does all the right things so that there can be rainbows in the new year. (It's almost like they have a religious calendar for the religion of fun, kind of like the Jewish calendar in ancient Israel.) Also, the rainbows themselves are only four colors, none of which are actual rainbow colors. The worst case scenario is Rarity gets home a little later than she hoped and for the next year or however long (I don't recall hearing it explained exactly) anything decorated with rainbows turns white. (Which, ironically, is the true definition of a rainbow, being all the colors of visible light put together.) Yes, that is exactly how it sounds, nothing less, nothing more. Things change color. No natural disasters happen, a few things just change colors. That's it. They can't overdose on vitamins and piss changing colors that would make even Frank Zappa cry anymore. It's just boring water by then.

Pinkie Pie and the Ladybug Jamboree - They're already having fun at a concert, but Pinkie Pie comes up with the marvelous idea for her friends to play all together. (This is especially odd because the viewer is led to believe that was the intended goal all along, and the only thing left was how to get it to work. Somehow, it became its own answer.) This makes the concert even more fun as they form an orchestra themed around ladybugs (which, in a story that bears remarkable resemblance to some happenstance real-life stories about how bands got their names, came about after a ladybug landed on her nose). And as an episode that even peripherally involves bugs, it just turns-out to be one big ugly bugstain on my computer screen, like I was riding a motorcycle backward at 80 miles an hour and trying to check my email while I drove. Important note: The author of this article condones neither the activity of riding a motorcycle backward nor using any distracting electronic devices while operating any kind of transportation equipment. I can't stress this enough.

Sweetie Belle's Gumball House Surprise - Today's conflict? Finding Sweetie Belle so they can play today! While Sweetie Belle is sitting right in her freaking backyard, she gives her friends the runaround by leaving cryptic clues that point to other clues and eventually to her ultimate location. As Gates Senior says in National Treasure, "Yeah, and that'll lead to another clue, and that'll lead to another clue! Don't you get it!?!" A simple look out the back door or around the corner of her house would have revealed this at the beginning of the 3-minute short (that ended up being 3 minutes too long), but no - they're already having fun knowing what they'll do with Sweetie Belle, and she decides to give them more "fun" by making them tear the place apart trying to find her using her decidedly-obvious clues. Hey, it's not the destination, it's the journey… right? Well, not when both are so diabetes-inducingly sweet I needed dentures after watching this episode.

I rest my case.