Bad News · 1:33am Apr 1st, 2013
Friendship is Sanctioned is being put on hold. Possibly indefinitely.
I'm very sorry. During one of my sour drunken rampages inspired by Twilicorn, I threw my television set out the front window, injuring my elderly neighbor in the process. The appliance struck her square on the head, and she has been hospitalized as a result. This was only one of the many stupid, thoughtless things I did that one horrible day.
I cannot even begin to say how upset this incident has made me.
I'm sorry for the suddenness of this message, but I've been too busy dealing with my bail bondsman to keep you properly updated. This whole affair has made me rethink my life. No more will I write about armored space giants playing with cute little mini-horses. Tomorrow, you will be treated to a taste of the new me.
The upcoming story will deal with my greatest fears and greatest hopes. It will channel the worry I have about my elderly neighbor, and about my likely jail sentence. It will also be a tribute to poor Milkshake, the terrier that I stuffed into the ash pan of a popular local Russian bakery during my outburst. Perhaps I might even capture the dog's final moments of confused terror when a shirtless gibbering man decided to terminate its meek existence on a bitterly cold Tuesday morning.
Perhaps I might even accurately convey the valor of the handsome businessman from Liverpool I knocked unconscious after he objected to my attempts to dance on top of his limousine. He was a hero in his own right, staring straight into the face of madness and saying, "Oy! What the bloody hell do you think you're doing?" before my foot shattered his nose.
I want to think it wasn't me who ordered the driver to "step on the goddam gas so we can go get tacos." I want to think it was a monster. But deep inside, I know that monster was me.
In that sense, this a story about the monster inside us all. It speaks with a voice that will crack the glaciers of your mind. It will leave you quaking, your soul stripped to the bones from the sheer enormity of its message.
Its title, you ask?
The Conversion Bureau Gets Derailed in a Rather Bizarre Fashion
Thank you, and God bless you all.
April Fools much?