The Discovery of the Greatest Speaking Verb That Has Ever Graced the English Language. · 3:02pm Mar 12th, 2013
I used to be a big fan of the speaking verb "said." It's small, only four letters, doesn't detract from the dialogue (i.e., the most important part that the reader should take away with him), but still allows the reader to know what is being said. Your eyes skim over it without staying too much on it, but you still understand what is being done.
Not anymore. "Said" is perhaps the most bland speaking verb in the English language.
This only recently occurred to me. I read the verb in Les Misérables. My eyes lingered on it, and it was love at first sight. Look at it. It's beautiful:
"That's true, excuse me!" ejaculated Thenardier, "you are quite right."
Behold it in all its glory. "Ejaculate": to utter suddenly and vehemently.
Behold why it is superior: it is four syllables long. Compare that with the one syllable of the unobtrusive "said," which has only four letters. The god of speaking verb has as many syllables as how many letters the word "said" has. Thus, mathematically, it is superior.
Whenever I write a story, I will no longer use the word "said." It is a dog's word. "Ejaculate" will replace all speaking verbs. Never mind "exclaimed"—useless dialogue tag, for there's a mark which you should always use for that. Many people are fans of the word "exclaimed," but the problem is is that it is like one exclamation mark, and style dictates that you may never use more than one exclamation mark. Forget all that: "ejaculate" is like the quadruple exclamation mark, yet not prohibited by any style guides.
No more "blurted"; it means the same thing as "ejaculate," but it does not roll off the mouth as pleasantly.
The Thénardiers are the best characters, for they are the only ones who understand the meaning of this all-powerful word. Marius murmurs; Jean Valjean drawls; Cosette chirps; Javert bellows; Eponiné coughs—the Thénardiers ejaculate. It goes without saying why the five preceding characters are inferior.
Witness more wonderful uses of the this most sublime of verbs:
"Pardie!" ejaculated his wife, "where do you suppose it came from? Through the window, of course."
Javert redeems himself with the line:
"What a grenadier!" ejaculated Javert; "you've got a beard like a man, mother, but I have claws like a woman."
And the line:
"The devil!" ejaculated Javert between his teeth, "he must have been the most valuable of the lot."
And many, many more examples. The verb says all and leaves the giver and the receiver satisfied. It's great to ejaculate; it's even better to be ejaculated upon; and it's just great to say.
This concludes the proof.
Okay, you got a laugh out of me there.
Well, I don't know about you guys, but I make it my priority to ejaculate at least three times within the course of a conversation with people. And if its an intellectually stimulating intercourse, I may ejaculate for almost the entire period of the conversation!
I just ejaculated.
I had no idea you could use that word in such a way.
Truly, a large step forward has been made here in the community. Let it be known that all great stories will now use 'ejaculated' as their common speaking verb.
You are full of win..
Or... Something else which shall remain unnamed.
Is there a way I can add blog entries to my favorites?
Did you know that John Watson ejaculated twice as often as did Sherlock Holmes? That's where I picked up the speaking verb.