Geh G’radeaus · 2:05pm Feb 23rd, 2013
That's right, I'm back, and I've got news!
Let us all stands for an unofficial national anthem to that great Kingdom in the East: Die Wacht am Rhein
(Just, uh, pretend that the lines are slightly different. And that “der Rhein” is actually a river marking the border between Prussia and the land of daemons).
So, with that jazz outta my way, I have real reports. Recall that review I was scheduled to get from the Training Grounds? Well, thanks to the great word of CartoonGeld, I got it. And, by Heaven, was it an amazing review. That's not to say it was 100% positive, oh no. That's to say that he went hard on Jericho, as I'd asked him to. It's great insight and stellar advice was just those, and so have I gone to work, like a beaver. A beaver with a typewriter. Come to think of it, that's not really a beaver, is it?
Anyways, a major comment of Geld's was:
As a general overview for [the section with Lyra], this was my favourite part of the story. Lyra is a well-developed character, and Bonbon seems pretty good so far. Most importantly, Jericho seems much more realistic in this section. His acerbic personality still comes through from his internal monologue, but it feels much more genuine since he's less overly confident and he no longer seems like he is posturing and trying to outdo the other ponies, but instead is just trying to do his best to fit in with the culture, which is exactly what a foreign character, who is interested in the new country, would do.
My suggestion for a complete rewrite would be to start the story as close to here as possible... [et cetera].
So, I took that to heart. I rewrote Jericho literally from the ground up. You know how Jericho is currently about 36,000 words long? What if I told you that currently, as it appears on the Skunkworks (that is, not officially uploaded), Jericho is now only 9,000 words long? A third of its prior length, and with only two chapters; 100% less cliché; and now making heavy use of subtly to convey Jericho's character, rather than boisterous displays as was before.
And, in my opinion, it's incredibly better for it. Hay, since Jericho doesn't even meet the mane six in this version, the whole course of how he gets wrapped up in the plot are gonna get changed!
Be ye ready? I think this version might, after fixing it of all the errors I know lie in hiding within, be the one. Ha! If I keep working hard on it, one day Jericho will shine high upon vaunted pedestals!
Avec toi!
Congratulations, man. Now you're just one step closer. Still, I hope this doesn't mean that Jericho is less of a comedic sociopathic
heroprotagonistnarrator. But I've faith that you'll know how to pull it off.857961
Oh, worry not. He's still like that, he even does some actions like that in the intro chapter, but he's holding himself more in reserve, being more cautious of the Equestrians, but mostly so far his caustic thoughts and acetic phrasing characterize him. His one thought where he worries Lyra's kindness is a front her her trying to poison him, for example, where he then thinks, ‘Last time a girl offered you a drink, it was poisoned. That was fun, though, trying to solve your own murder. Still surprised we managed to torture the cure out of her so easily – and all we had to do was manually remove her ovaries without the use of anesthetics.’ That sort of thing, but even that's as overt as he goes. So he's less blunt about it, but it's there, hiding in wait.
Ah. That makes sense, sociopathic doesn't mean idiotic, and given that Jericho is from a country that's had a rather interesting realtionship with Equestria...yeah, it'd be much smarter of him to avoid too much conflict with the natives.Y'know, Equestria (in Jericho lore anyway) kinda reminds me of a cross between America and...I'm not entirely sure of what else it reminds me of (that and I don't want to offend anybody without knowing what I'm talking about), while Prussia reminds me of America and, well, Germany. But meh, Government has never been my strongest suit (still love it). You say that discussing spoilers is encouraged, right? Well, In Beta!Jericho, as I've taken to calling it, Jericho
fightingdiscussing with the mane six on how the sun does not revolve due to Celestia's influence, but much like hour own sun. Hell, even C points this out at one point. So does that mean that maybe they're on to something? I've always thought it weird for a country to want to kill a ruler who can control the sun and all that jazz. And about Jericho's ultimate destiny? A few character's (by my rememberance: C, Kane, Satan, DEATH) have alluded to Jericho not being your average pony, about being a messiah and Fourth Horse of the Apocholypse. Also, the noodle incidents (like Jericho becoming a vampire, mare, the toture you just mentioned) are they ever goingto get their own...what's the word I'm looking for...fleshing out? No, but let's go with that, or are they ever going to stay that way? Granted, they'd probably be funnier if just left to viewer imagination.Wow, I didn't even know I typed that much.
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Hey, I adore large comments. There's so much to talk and respond to with them.
The way I have it, Equestria seems to have a lot of the Elements of pre-Civil War America, minus the horrible racism and lack of civil right for over half the population. But they also have a lot of a less egalitarian England to them: with noble and royal houses, and without a proper Constitution or Bill or Rights. Because, after all, why would Celestia need such things? Plus, they have that Yankee thing with them expanding out west. So, it's sort of feudal in some degrees, but still with a high Yankee influence. Also, accents. All of the crazy accents of English (from the likes of Australasia, to Minneapolis, to Northumbria) are in Equestria, to some degree.
Prussia, whereas, is heavily based on Imperial Germany and, no duh, Royal Prussia, but it's got the opposite feudal direction of Equestria: save for the King, there are no inherited positions on Prussia; there is a bill of rights; there is a constitution, which, admittedly, gives the give almost absolute power. But they've also got Yankee interventionism, an almost idealistic belief in their democracy (a democracy, which as Celestia pointed out, was far less efficient than her own monarchy, and so she fails to see the need for democracy outside of local level), and an almost fascist belief in the primacy of their nation (a jab at the modern Yankee and chauvinistic "patriotism", rather than the Fascism that caused WW2).
For another point of yours, well, I never exactly said Jericho was the hero. And perhaps there is something off about you when Kane reveals himself to you and only you.
As for fleshing out Jericho's love of noodle incidents, at best I'll reference them. Like the time he was a vampire and how he befriended the King of Vampires, who was actually going to show up in next chapter of Beta!Jericho. Jericho will likely reference that a few more times, making it more than just a noodle incident, but still leave a lot to the imagination.
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"), as they make me look smarter. But whew, Jericho is probably the high-brow piece of fanfiction ever written as far as I've seen (with politcal satire, political unrest, religion, oh my!), and is actually, to my surprise teaching me (a little). Makes me glad I was on that crossovers page all those months ago. I do, at times, fear that in your struggle to reach EQD that the story may lose some of the charm that made it...it, but, I have faith in you my good sir. I have faith. *Sagely nod*
And I love writing long comments (and anything other than "MOAR!
It's also the first fic to give me withdrawl symptoms. Almost had to throw me in the nut house when you announced that you were rewriting Jericho.
So you're rewriting the story again? Does the mean I should read what is up right now before it's taken down or are those going to stay up?
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Those will be going down, again. If you insist on re-reading, feel free, but compared to what's coming, they're rather awful and filled with plot holes and have a huge cliché intro. But I shan't stop you.
Now, to find someone willing to update Jericho's TV Tropes page...