So I need opinions on this story. · 3:22am Feb 8th, 2013
As you guys know, I'm going to be writing books of my own. I just wrote a story for fun and it hows the mood of which my novella will be. I need your opinions so that I can figure what I can make stronger and what I can reduce. THis story was based off of the Indie game, To the Moon. One of my favorite games that I have sen and it was way more touching than any other story I could ever write.
Turning the page took precision. The tattered, browned edges of the aged book felt like thin ice as he turned the page, using gloves to protect the parchment from the oil. He flipped it and smelled the familiar aroma of the paper, almost putting him in a sort of trance. He let his eyes roll back into his head, taking in the atmosphere around him. It was almost like she was there.
Tim, a small bookstore owner, lived alone in his store, unwilling to leave. So many memories stayed there, those of big business, of good and bad times, of his sweet Rose. His wife had passed away several years before, making him very weak. He could barely carry the stacks of new orders into his store. His withering strength and will to keep the shop open left with her, leaving him alone with thoughts of what could have been.
He sighed a little and closed the book gently, opening his eyes as if he would see her standing in front of him. But just like every other time, he was sadly, yet expectedly wrong. He closed his eyes once more, letting a single tear run down his wrinkled cheek. He thought of her and only her, standing in her favorite spot on the cliff the store sat on. The way the wind blew her hair. The way her slender body could appear so strong yet soft, he could only remember.
He stood up, his weak arms shaking to support his body. He hunched over and began to shuffle towards the back door, already being able to see the full moon through the door’s window. He looked up at it and smiled. He knew he would feel her, and he did. As soon as he stepped outside, the wind wrapped around him, bringing along with it a bunch of leaves, seeming to dance about, singing a lullaby only he knew. He raised his arms and let them flutter about him. He suddenly could feel the age leave him, bringing a smile to his now smooth, young face. He opened his eyes again to find Rose, sitting on the edge of the cliff, humming her favorite tune and kicking her feet playfully.
He walked up to her and she turned to look at him, her thin lips curling into a big smile. She gestured for him to sit next to her, not saying a word. He set himself down next to her carefully, making sure not to fall or slip. As he sat, he stared at the side of her face with awe as her face glowed in the moonlight, almost seeming angelic to him. She was staring at the moon and her eyes dazzled as it reflected in her soft, blue eyes.
“What are ya thinking about?” he asked playfully.
“I’m just wondering what we will do when we are gone.” she said, softly.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, when we are done with this earth. Have you ever wondered what we will do? What if we get lost? How will we find each other?”
Tim laughed. “I know exactly what we’ll do!”
“Oh? And what’s that?” she giggled back.
“We’ll meet in the stars.” he said with a small sigh. “That way, we could go to the moon... together.” He quickly glanced up in the sky, thinking of its beauty.
Rose looked at Tim now with the same awe he had with her. She leaned her head close to his shoulder, but he could not feel it. He looked to it but saw no Rose. He was now withered once again and sitting alone on the cliff. He began to weep into his hands, letting his sobs echo above the crashing of the waves below.
He glanced back at his house and stood up, getting ready to return to bed, but something caught his eye. Far below, the moon could be seen in the waters along with the same night sky that hung above. He looked down at the grass beneath his shoes and let a single tear fall with a smile on his face.
“I’ll meet you in the stars.” he whispered.
Without a moment’s hesitation, he lept off the cliff, aiming for the bright moon below. He closed his eyes with a sense of satisfaction, humming the tune of long ago that rang in his ears.
I know it's rushed so don't be too critical. Just some advice.
I don't know if you were going for Slice of Life or Romance in this.
Hmmmm....not to bad, though be sure to tell more of Tim's and Rose's apperance as well as their personilty, more about who they are, how and why he owned a bookstore, the likes, you know?
i like this story , but since its only a preview, I request minor character development so that we don't end up with a shining armor situation.
I think it could use more description, but other than that it was a terrific non-pony read!