Why I decided to make Twilight a princess · 4:09am Jan 30th, 2013
Well, my latest little scheme seems to have set the ponyverse quite abuzz with excitement. "It will ruin the show!" "Hasbro is dead to me!" "Where will Twilight go from here?!"
It is so gratifying when a plan comes together like that. Your little notes of personal agony, your rage-quits, make it all worthwhile—all the time hacking into computers across Los Angeles to eradicate every electronic copy of the original script for the Season 3 final episode and replace it with my own, all the money spent luring the wives of Hasbro execs out of town with all-expenses-paid vacations-for-one from mysterious sweepstakes they hadn't entered, all the money spent hiring buxom young escorts to "accidentally" bump into those execs as they swilled their lattes at the Anaheim Starbucks while their wives were out of town, all those evenings spent filming the resulting activity in the hot tubs behind their mansions through the eyes of my robotic drones. Not that that wasn't fun in and of itself.
But now that my appetite for destruction is temporarily satiated, I grow tired of the rants, the whining, the cries of "Why?" So I've decided to set the record straight, and explain why I decided that Twilight must become an alicorn princess at the end of season 3 when there's still at least another year left in the show:
Ahem.
Because I'm evil.
*slow clap*
(quietly wonders what our evil overlord's reaction will be when he is informed that a non-insignificant portion of the fandom actually approves of and is eager to see his gambit play out)
BAAAAAD HORRRRSSSSSE!
yidio.com/images/article/images/_572x382_2751.jpg
I guess they call you the Thoroughbred of Sin for a reason. I tip my evil hat to you, sir.
771208 Obviously, that is the portion of fandom which we have already corrupted.
I'm afraid some jimmies remain unrustled, Your Malevolence. Sorry, but it'll take more than a Two-Eyed, One-Horned, Flying Purple Pony Reader to prompt my rage. Still, A for effort.
It was inevitable, really. Being a princess means a toy that utters vapid lines like "I'm a princess, are you a princess, too?" Unable to cheaply produce recolors to give us Octavia or Cloud Kicker, the only way forward is to give Twilight wings and reduce her to the toy intellect of a drooling five-year-old, to give little girls something better to aspire to than sparkley vampires. I am probably too far in the bottle to give an honest opinion, but if I had fingers....
Make 'em your mare, BH.
I'm the fellow in the black armor in this next vid, you're the rest of them.
[youtube=Ke9wtbzGjCI]
/empty threats
771269 Tex is a girl. Not a dude.
771277 I said fellow, I consider it a gender-neutral term.
771308 Fellow makes me think of chap, and chap is akin to lad. Lass is not of chap, nor fellow. Therefore, you were calling Tex a gay robot.
So what's going to happen if the episode ends up being good?
Does that mean the writers foiled your plan?
*Taking notes*
771208
//dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Twilight_Sparkle_lolface.png
771343
Obviously, that is all part of his grand plan to humiliate the rage-quitters.
[youtube=F6X9KcrXHwg]
771208
It's all part of his plan. It's always part of his plan. He's like Xanatos in a Spice Trance.
771349
No! No! Be not corrupted! He is evil! Foul! A smoker!
771244
But think of all those fanfics, now ruined? Have you no heart, sir, have you no heart?
And now, for the continuing adventures of GhostOfHeraclitus and his incipient insanity:
Bad Horse: And it is over, at last. All that has happened, all of it, has transpired according to my design. The heavens themselves burn with reflected fury, and here at the end of all things I am triumphant. Of course, loyal minions, this being the end...
Minion: But...you have a plan, my Lord?
BH: Of course I have a plan, my loyal minion. Of course I do. You are looking at it. Fire. Fury. Silence. There is poetry to it, no? A haiku, maybe? The bright blast of the fire crackling and increasing in complexity until it is a roiling cauldron of fury, a baroque spectacle of destruction and then...hah, then a kireji, the cutting word, and we enter the stark simplicity of the eternal silence. The old masters would have done it in seventeen syllables, but I, I will take <checks watch> no more than seventeen minutes. I suppose it will have to do.
Minion: How will you save yourself My Lord? What is to become of us? How shall we serve you?
BH: Save myself? For what? It is over. My work is complete. As a great man once said at the occasion of the end of the world--the end, at least, from his perspective--Acta est fabula, plaudite! The show is over. All is left is to bask in the embers, smile, and take one last bow. But you, you my faithful beloved minions, you are not forgotten. You can serve me in one last act.
Minion: Anything, My Lord!
BH: <Smiles, turns to look at the world burning through the window, clicks small handheld device> You may feel a small sting from your Loyalty Implants as <bodies hitting the floor; warm blood splashes across the tiles> the blades extend. You are no longer needed. But don't fret. Don't think of it as being killed. Think of it as, hah, leaving early to beat the rush. <laughs> Am I not considerate? Am I not benevolent? Am I not <turns; stops; one of the minions is still standing>...loyalty implant malfunction?
<The minion removes his hood>
GhostOfHeraclitus: You never thought to give me one.
BH: But...you are dead!
GoH: I beg to differ.
BH: I watched you die!
GoH: So you did. So you did. But you carelessly left the disposal of my body to others and failed to see me come back to life. Seeing how wonderfully efficient your virus was I couldn't resist making a few...modifications. You are aware of the RESURGAM gene combination, I hope?
BH: I...you...what does it matter? I wanted you out of the way, and out of the way you stayed. And now it is too late. The world will burn. There is nothing you can do about it. I couldn't stop it even if I wanted to.
GoH: I know. And I despise you for it. For the pain you have caused. The pain you'll cause yet. For the smallness that made you burn it all, in the vain hope that the reflected light of universal destruction will help you see. You aren't Augustus. You are Goethe. Pleading desperately for Mehr Licht. You'll find none, of course, but you'd condemn a world for a chance.
BH: You know nothing of me! Nothing! And so you despise me? Do you think I care? Hah! You are a mistake and--
GoH: --I am your mistake. You made me as I am. Taught me. I cannot deny that. And so, I came here to offer you one last chance. An offer of protection. A way out.
BH: A way out! Listen to yourself! There is no way out. The universe itself will die, and it will die because I will it.
GoH: This universe, yes. But as you taught me so very long ago, there is more than just one of everything <lifts hand showing that there's a glittering jewel in his hand; there's something deeply wrong about it and it seems as if it was very far away and quite near at the same time>
BH: The key...you...but I dest--so. You'd offer me a way out? Into another universe?
GoH: Against my better judgement.
BH: You fool! You should have stayed silent. Escaped while you can. But now that i know about this little plan of yours, that the key still persists, then I'll burn those worlds too. I'll burn it all!
GoH: *sigh* I know.
BH: I will--what?
GoH: I know you would. But I had to ask, I mean, before. A salve to conscience. Inadequate, I know, but I needed something. Anything.
BH: Before...you wouldn't. I know you too well. You couldn't. And don't think you'll find me armed for less than--
GoH: <clicks small handheld device; body hitting the floor; warm blood splashes across the tiles> I am sorry. I am so sorry.
...the end?
Just look what you made me write, Bad Horse. The fault is squarely on your shoulders.
771520
Ruined how? The beauty of fanfiction is that canon can be cherry-picked. So long as the author makes clear what has been disregarded, the story is unharmed.
771255
Because it's not like the target audience for the show is drooling five-year-old girls.
See! This right here! (Typo aside) This is why you're my favorite. I am stealing this phrase.
Oh my god, GoH is the Doctor, with the Key of Time, and BH is like Davros, The Master, and Rassilon all rolled into one.
Also, evil gets the best toys. And smokers never bothered me.
771571
Sorry, I was being flippant, and not really serious. Seriously, though. it won't really ruin anything, but it will be annoying. I don't want to have to slap an AU tag on everything.
We've seen background Luna and Derpy plz,
Apologetic Trixie, bad CMCs,
PinkiePinkiePinkie deaths but now we're forlorn,
'cuz Twilight's gonna be an alicorn!
(Straighten up and fly right, Twilight!
)
771520 Just look what you made me write, Bad Horse. The fault is squarely on your shoulders.
Oh, yes, certainly. The fault is entirely mine. I wouldn't want you to take any of the blame on yourself for merely filling in the details of a scene that is, in a sense, implicit in who and what I am.
Although the details ... they were nicely done. Colorful. Visceral. I could almost taste the blood. Could you taste the blood, Ghost? I'm very proud of you. Did you know that you had it in yourself? To imagine such a dramatic, fiery apocalypse and a bloody end to, well, everyone but yourself, it seems.
I knew you did.
And wasn't it just a little bit fun?
771756
...well played.
771520
Seventeen minutes later
The universe burns.
The leading edge of the blastwave: first a point in the sky, then a ring, expanding into a wall, descending onto the earth too fast to roar — only a tiny chirp —
Bad Horse, laughing, holding the key taken from his nemesis' body[2], stops and turns. As the blastwave hits and the key triggers, only a glimpse: a small dot of blue in the red cast of fire's light, limning his twice-dead rival —
The earth burns.
It boils into molten stone, air and liquid vaporized instantly. All is light, heat. A new sun, a new seed for the flowers of flames growing like kudzu across the cosmos. Then — the fire dims, in a tiny circle around a small blue sphere. Dims, and winks out. Then the surrounding fire crystallizes, the dissipating plasma solidifying instantly into jagged waves and whorls, halted in time. A ripple of energy spreads out through the globe, and the crystallization rockets outward along it.
At the center, a form inside a force-field, emptying out the last of the material from a tiny vial hidden within the thick fabric of his collar.
"But if it had to perish twice," he says,
"I think I know enough of hate
"To say that for destruction, ice
"Is also great
"And would suffice."
He fishes a fission spectrometer out from his pocket, and checks the power output. An entire world of captured plasma. More than enough to activate the time anchor.
A slow smile spreads across his lips. "Gotcha."
Still, he did have to give Bad Horse the key in order to sell the plan. They would meet again. Not in this reality, not with the one-way nature of dimensional travel … but true nemesisity[1] transcended space and time.
--
Well, um, let's just go with that then.
[1] What the hell is the word for the qualia of nemesis? Nemesishood? Nemesisness? Nemesisitude?
[2] Edited to add: Oh geez, I totally derped this, somehow I thought that the final body hitting the floor was GoH committing suicide as part of some even more clever master plan.
771638
Typo fix'd. I'm suffering for it retroactively.
And yeah. I was going for a Whovian vibe. I must admit writing these overblown dramatic confrontations is ludicrously fun. I'm almost tempted to try to write more of them. Horrible idea, but so tempting.
771855
D'you know, what you wrote is technically fanfiction of my whatever-the-hell-it-is-I-wrote.
That's insane. Also brilliant.
And, no, I like your version, a lot. Honestly, it was supposed to be, uh, Ghost who survived (and then used the key to evacuate as many as he could), but hey, your version's good too. I wrote the last bit semi-ambiguously on purpose. Well, as much as on purpose as anything in that rambling no-edits-no-problem mess I posted up there.
771963 Well, we are on a
horsepony fanfiction site!Thank you for the compliments, and think of my fanfic as a compliment of its own: because seriously that minific deserved something in return. The fact you can toss off a paragraph like [1] at a single pass is ... geez. My response was largely ego-salve to prove to myself that I'm only moderately outclassed by all my favorite authors here.
Off to go edit some of my actual ponyfiction that, um, isn't as good!
- H
--
[1] "Fire. Fury. Silence. There is poetry to it, no? A haiku, maybe? The bright blast of the fire crackling and increasing in complexity until it is a roiling cauldron of fury, a baroque spectacle of destruction and then...hah, then a kireji, the cutting word, and we enter the stark simplicity of the eternal silence."
I love it when a plan comes together, nice work!
I hope this episode culls off all the new whiny self-entitled bronies we seemed to pick up this season and leaves behind all us chill folk.
There, I said it. Raze them to the ground, Twilight.
Signed,
Bad Horse