Hmm

Well, here I am. Yes. I've never kept a diary or anything like this, but I suppose for now I'm just writing to myself, for myself, trying to work out why I'm doing what I'm doing. What am I doing? I'm writing a novel. It has pastel ponies in it. Humans too. Having put those words to 'page' now, I feel mildly insane...but that's okay. Writers are allowed to be insane, right? I also want this to be here, in case the day comes that someone reads my drivel, and is like "wtf is your deal, bub?" Well, here.

I used to write creatively, for pleasure, years ago. Took some classes in it. I enjoyed it. I stopped when things got crazy busy, and I had to start writing more technical stuff. Now that I've poured a few thousand creative words out over the past few days, I'm realizing that was probably a bad thing.

I feel good right now. Better than I have in a long time. I'm only now realizing that I've had no real, creative output for several years. That can't be healthy, can it? On the other hand, maybe it was a good thing. I've had these ideas floating around in my head for years now, slowly crystallizing. Big ideas. An entire framework for a universe, though just the frame... Though I stopped writing, I never stopped reading. Science fiction, fantasy, mystery, war, romance. All these ideas have been piling up in my skull, waiting for something.

I guess it turns out that something was pastel ponies. I'll admit I've been a furry since...well, since Disney's Robin Hood, really. I mean, come on, hawt. We're talking' full-on furvert here, too. But the furry fandom as a whole never really appealed to me...too weird, too harsh, too...damaged? So much hatin', as the kids say these days. So I resisted watching any FiM for the longest time, knowing I'd probably like it, but not really wanting to. I was 'over' that sort of thing...right? And besides...ponies? Really? But then some bad stuff happened in my life, and I was feeling pretty awful, and I decided what the hell, I could use some happy cartoons. Turns out I was right about liking it.

Then loving it. Then starting to obsess over it. I've joked elsewhere that Lauren Faust is an alien brain hacker, because I feel like FiM is some sort of memetic virus. I'm a little disturbed by how much of my brain has been occupied by it, and so quickly.

So anyway, being a furvert, I got into clop, too, of course. Moar furry porn, woo! Things went on like that for a bit; I was obsessed but satisfied. I avoided interacting with the fandom, just like I did with the furry fandom before, but it was harder. Y'all seem a little weirder, but a little less damaged, I guess. Certainly nicer. I've been skirting the edges for a while, now.

So then, after thoroughly exhausting myself reading a very long sci fi novel, I decided to find something 'lighter' to read...hey, why not try out some FiM fan fiction? What do I end up with? A clopfic, of course. I'm such a frickin' perv. Sanguinius' Preggity series, to be exact. *blush* Actually very little of the sex & fetish stuff appeals to me, but the writing and romance is pretty damned good. Despite the constricted 2nd-person format, despite the ridiculous fetishism, words on a page about horny cartoon ponies were tugging on my feels. I read a few more fanfics. Some clop, mostly not. Some bad, some good.

And then, something clicked. The cartoon. The characters. Their voices, now stuck in my head. Their personalities, occasionally stuck into random places in my imagination and then let loose. The clopclopclop. The words of dirty pony romance novels and parodies and dramas sifting into the spaces between. The framework for a universe that had been stewing in my brainmeats for years. Suddenly, a book was in my head.

Ponies and humans and romance and drama and everything fell into that bare framework...and they fit. They fit so god damned perfectly. And now I'm having trouble sleeping, because I need to get this book out of my head. The dam has burst, and I can't rebuild it. I don't really want to, though I hope I can calm down soon, because this is starting to interfere with other parts of life. It's 6am now, and I have to be out the door at noon. Buck.

I don't even know when I'll start posting parts here, but I will. I tend to be very self-critical about these things. I'll definitely find an editor before I do anything. I'm also taking the time to write some side stories and backstories, just to solidify my OCs (pony and human) into more realistic people. I need to have good characters, if they're going to stand beside our pretty pastel ponies, and survive.