Farmer Bruener Field Research at Disney World. Honest. · 3:03am Mar 30th, 2023
Settle down, kids. Grandpa went to Disney World and he’s got slides! Technically, this was research for several upcoming chapters in Farmer Bruener Has Some Ponies, but it’s not tax-deductible (darnit) because it cost a mint. I’ve got it broken down into several parts over the next few weeks: Planning vs. Reality (this one), Photos (over on Facebook), Transportation, and Parks I, II, and III. (those are Roman Numerals for you children).
We Plan, God Laughs. But I get needed experience.
First and foremost, Disney is expensive and I’m cheap. Really cheap. Ask me how cheap I am and I’ll tell you (for $10 an hour, cash in advance). And I’m old, so you better pay now before I croak. There’s less humor in there than I wanted, because mom and dad used to travel the country in their Winnebago back in the early 90s. They had plans to visit Disney, but dad passed away before they could and mom never got around to it.
Anyway, I went to Disneyland in California in 2008, so I had part of the goal accomplished. I’ve been telling the wife we should go to DW for the last 30 years and she’s always done the ‘later’ routine. Well, I finally put my foot down. Air tickets were at a low point, hotel prices were at a low point, I had leave to burn at work, weather was looking good, and that darned chapter of Farmer Bruener is lurking in insufficient-data land.
So I made my reservations and my wife said she was staying home to save us money. Sigh. We’ll get back to that.
Brute-Simple Cheapest Path Plan:
Fly down on Monday. Maybe do some tourist stuff.
Tue: Universal Studios and The Wizarding World of Harry Potter.
Wed: Magic Kingdom
Thur: Hollywood Studios (and Star Wars!)
Fri: maybe do some tourist stuff and fly home
Sat: Home (because hotel prices on weekends in Orlando SPIKE)
Admittedly that excluded a trip to Cape Canaveral to look at the facilities and the cruise ships (see upcoming chapter in Farmer Bruener, coming… um… soon.) That’s about as far as my budget would go, though. No wands, no lightsabers, no dramatic souvenirs, nothing that wouldn’t fit in my backpack and carry-on. (because luggage costs a mint and budget, as above) Still had enough money in the plan to buy lunch for several Orlando writers I had been chatting with (Groaning Grey Agony and Raccoon), but reality stomped that fairly hard too.
Plans made. Engage, Warp Factor None. Start taking notes.
Four AM Monday: The wife is coughing and snorting from a cold so she wouldn’t have been able to go with me anyway. If I had the common sense God gave a goose, I would have rescheduled the whole thing at this point (I bought travel insurance) and stayed home. But the wife said she was fine and I went anyway since we still have two stay-at-home kids of semi-adult variety to deal with getting pills and nursing. She’ll be fine.
Onward! Flight from KC to NYC. Flight from NY to Orlando. (cheap tickets) Uber from airport to Super-8 hotel. (A good choice, and cheap) Tired as heck from flying, but explore the neighborhood. There’s an entire block of food trucks within a short walk, but wasn’t very hungry. Old Town section of Orlando across the street with souvenirs, shirts, rides, music, shops, etc… Walked around. Fun place. Bought wife a nice “Thanks for letting me off the leash for a week” present. Tired, so went to bed early.
Tue morning: Tired as heck. Managed to Uber to Universal by 11AM, and since I really only wanted to visit the Wizarding World sections, thought I should be better by Wed. It’s just a cold, after all. Had to scrape my windows before driving to KC, was walking around in shorts in 80 degree weather here. Thermal shock, obviously. I’ll just walk into the park, see what I want to see in the first place, and go to the hotel to rest up for Disney tomorrow.
In short, I made it to The Wizarding World of Harry Potter and very little else. Lines were short probably because Hagrid's Motorcycle Ride was down and it was the off season. Could have gone on Escape From Gringots twice, did go on Hogwarts Express twice. Had lunch at the Leaky Cauldron, with butterbeer.
Universal Rides list:
https://familygapyearguide.com/islands-of-adventure-rides/
So 20 rides, rode 2. Still consider it a success. Looked into every Harry Potter shop and bought a few small things, took a lot of pictures. Marveled at the way they designed the whole park with perspective and still protected it from Orlando’s weather. Happy Potter Geek Time. By late afternoon I was drooping bad and developing a good blister, so I headed back to the parking lot for Uber pickup. Talked to a few of the security people about VIP procedures, doing the “I’m not a creepy stalker, I’m an author and I only want to know generalities that won’t interfere with your job.”
Really, I’ve been astounded by the doors that open when I start a conversation with “I know this sounds weird, but I’m an author, and I’ve got this story…”
Anyway, I’m almost back to the Uber pickup point when the wife calls and says she tested positive. Oh, THAT explains why I feel so miserable. She couldn’t come with me, but she sent a little present with me. Gee, thanks dear. Hope I didn’t start an epidemic.
Mask up. Uber to Wal-Mart. Get supplies. Bananas, gatorade, NyQuill. Uber to hotel in the back seat. Make arrangements to stay until next Wed. Call Travelocity. Move return flight. Call Disney customer support. Yes, I can move my tickets to next week. Rejoice. Go to bed.
Two days of misery with drugs. Two days of drug-free quarantine with no symptoms. Watched Swamp People on TV. Never going swimming in Orlando. Never.
Saturday afternoon, 48 hours symptom free, 1 week from exposure. CDC says I can be a human again. Yea, team. Go walking. Blisters under control too. Cried a bit since I was right next to a block of food trucks and not hungry at all. Darned Covid aftereffects. Probably a good thing in hindsight. My budget got crippled enough with this extra five days in Orlando, so adding several days worth of dining out… Ouch. Also next to Machine Gun America, where you can fire automatic weapons. Wanted to so much. No budget left, so no dakka-dakka. Sigh. Sad Ork.
Which brings us to…
Sunday! Up bright and early, feeling peppy. I need to go by the Disney ticket office to move my reservations and tickets to Mon/Tue. Thankfully, this is the off-season, and my vacation, so ‘early’ is defined as ‘Right after lunch at the food trucks.’ So nice not to be rushing about. Vacations rule. Stress from work at record low. So an Uber to Art of Animation, then through the Disney transportation system. Wandered around various resorts, had a glorious time, and got my tickets moved. Then back to Art of Animation by bus so Uber could take me back to the hotel. (Seriously, touring the resorts was one of the best parts of my trip)
Monday: Magic Kingdom. My real primary goal. It’s generally the same as California’s Disneyland, only more spread out. So Uber to Art of Animation, bus to the Kingdom early enough for the starting ceremonies, go everywhere, see everything. Fitbit says I walked five miles total for the day, including a side-trip to the Polynesian resort for a late lunch. They have wonderful food, and not quite as expensive as I thought. Back for the fireworks, over to Tron (No, they didn’t let me ride, but I took some pictures) Then hobbled back to the bus, to Art of Animation, and hotel.
Whew. And blisters.
Tuesday: Secondary goal - Hollywood Studios and Star Wars!! The joy of the off season, short lines, easy to move around, the themed rides that I’ve never been on before. Tower of Terror, Smugglers Run, Star Tours, and… Wait a minute. Rise of the Resistance has a two hour wait? Brief moment of regret for not having gone there first. Two hours in line, meeting all kinds of fellow Star Wars geeks. Heck of a ride. Well worth it. Brief afternoon break to Disney Springs (gotta love the bus service) for lunch and a supposed break from walking, only to walk even more. Fitbit says I did ten miles, and nearly walked my blister pads off. Return to Hollywood by bus and to Fantasmic! OMG it’s great. Look up the videos. Out to the bus stop again and remembered I had not visited Wilderness Lodge. Well, the bus goes there so I can take more pictures, limp around a bit, and take the nighttime boat back to… wait a minute. There are some boats out there with things on the back. Wilderness Lodge Water Parade. (another check out YouTube) Didn’t expect that, but a wonderful way to finish off the night. Back to the bus, to Art of Animation, and the hotel before midnight.
Epic blisters.
Wednesday. Back to home. Brief stop at the cheapo t-shirt place because I still had a few pennies on the credit card I hadn’t burned. Thankfully, it was next door because I’m hobbling like an old man. (Hey! No comments!) Sit on the suitcase to get it closed. Uber to the airport, lots of time before flight to Charlotte… but slow getting off the ground and my connecting flight was boarding as we taxied to the gate. By the way, there are 33 rows of seats in that aircraft. The cheap seats are in the back. Jogged as fast as I could through the airport, ouch, ouch, ouch. Next to last person to board, got back to my seat and… we were delayed on the ground for an hour and a half. Got back to KC in the dark, wandered around cheap parking trying to find my car, and went home. Win! (Wife was well over her Covid by then so Win also since far less epic nose-blowing and coughing.)
Thursday: Went to work in my Grumpy shirt, feeling so much less stressed than I had all year. Until I opened the credit card bill. Time to get into my old comics and start selling on Ebay.
20-20 Hindsight. I’m a regular viewer of Disney Food Blog, which is a great window into Mouseland, but filled with food items so don’t browse while hungry. I should have used their favorite travel agency Small World Vacations and booked in a Value Resort under the Maximum Cheap option, which would have saved the Uber charges and I could have used Mears to save a bit more money on the airport-to-resort trips. I ran the calculator on it and for the planned trip, the cost would have been really comparable but with far less travel time and more resort wandering time.
But, since I had to bump in an extra five days due to the bug, I would have broken my budget even more. It evens out. Glad to be back… Ok, that’s a lie. I’d rather still be there in shorts and a t-shirt instead of scraping my windshield every morning. Maybe October I can go back and visit the launch facility. Maybe even drive and bring the wife. Time will tell. Spring is coming!
I love research. Given infinite funding for some project involving Disney, I would have stayed at the resorts for all winter. I'm not sure if I'd get fat or walk my legs off, because it would be a contest between the resort menus and having to walk so many miles in the Florida sun, but I'd like to find out.
Sometimes research CAN be fun!
As do I
I might too, but that's just because winter has overstayed her welcome and I'm cold. :P
One way to save money on researching Disney trips is YouTube, Google, and having a Disney fan do pre-reading (thanks ClosetBrony!). And in an in-story sense, be government sponsored so you don't have to think about the costs.
I've never been to Didney Worl, so I don't know what it's actually like besides expensive. Maybe it's magical, maybe it isn't . . . but I think it's a place ponies would love, and I can't wait for your take on it.
Glad you had a great adventure and got lots of research done. And most important…you had fun!
It must be good to be able to go and do research for your story. Most of the sci-fi/fantasy authors have to rely on their imagination for that part.
Don't forget the food! DW has many food items that shaped like their cartoon characters. I wonder how ponies would react to Mickey-shaped waffle.
travelandleisure.com/thmb/eoqleyrdYa94SsdRZqWfOkMBO_0=/750x0/filters:no_upscale():max_bytes(150000):strip_icc():format(webp)/mickey-waffle_HERO_DISNEYFOOD1122-0d2d5beca12645438bdc82a59916ace1.jpg
I still resent what Disney did to Star Wars and will never acknowledge anything after 2012, and the Bluey censorship on Disney+ is BS, and them never making Kiara and Nala official Disney Princesses was awfully bigoted, but it's cool how they're slamming the door in DeSantis' cronies' faces and telling them to go pound sand.
And the DuckTales reboot was glorious and they should be ashamed for only doing 3 seasons. I grew up reading my dad's old Carl Barks comics from the 50s and 60s, and all the little references they added, along with lots of other little nods to Disney history was great.
Also, Disney buying the National Geographic Society is downright offensive. The same company that started the myth of mass lemming suicide by tossing the poor critters off a cliff and filming it and calling it a documentary. That's even more disgraceful than hiring former nazis to explain atomic physics to kids.
The clip showing Mamayev Kurgan at 36:30 has always stuck with me. The National Geographic Society was once so respected that the USSR invited them. https://archive.org/details/thevolga/thevolgareel1.mov
5720389
I know, right? FUCK Disney and all it's become! Especially with the live action remakes, like what they did while filming Mulan. Thanking China for letting them film right on sight at their prison camps? Seriously?
Sounds to me like it was good research for the next visit to DW.
As security, I can explain this one. Part of it is that it's a change of pace, part of it is a great PR stunt (or more avoiding a possible PR disaster) and lastly it's nice to be able to kind of talk shop with someone on the outside, it's actually a bit of stress relief and refresher training (If you want to perfect a skill try teaching it to someone else)
peeling paint, monorail that smell like pee. overpriced food. up charging, random dirty diapers/kids kicking things
wounds wonderful, right? :LOl
Edit, perfer they go to universla . better prices lol
5720471 To be honest, I didn't see much of that at all. Food prices, of course. The Tomorrowland grill (forgot the name) was absolutely *cranking* out chicken tenders and french fries, which ran about twelve bucks. And of course I paid $18 (!!) for a hot dog in the Star Wars section of Hollywood Studios (should have gone to Rizzo's pizza for the price). The biggest upcharge is Genie+ of course, which I didn't use because the Cost/Benefit ratio didn't make sense for the off-season. (So you pay extra to cut in lines where there are no lines. Really?) Small World needs to have a one-week refurb, which they do on many of the rides in Jan/Feb. Hopefully Splash Mountain's rebranding works out for the best, but we'll have to wait and see there. Monorail was perfect. Food at the resorts wonderful (but pricy). Even all the kids were on their best behavior, probably because the low crowds and pleasant 80 degree weather. NEVER go during the on-season if you want to just enjoy the wandering.
5720409 There's a bit of a waltz involved so you don't sound like a stalker, too. The security guy I talked to was at the VIP entrance to Universal, so a lot of my questions wound up "So in general, a VIP can come in through a private entrance like this one. I presume security is informed in advance, and it wouldn't shock me a bit to have some plainsclothed officers in the vicinity as well as at the scheduled rides, right?" And at Disney "So VIP visitors can be escorted through the tunnel system to avoid rabid fan mobs?"
5720408 Step 1. Pry the wife loose.
5720407 The live-action remakes... um... remind me of Cats, to be gentle.
5720389 Disney and Star Wars could take a whole book. IMOHO the best thing Disney could do for Star Wars is get a restraining order on Kathleen Kennedy. The Rise of the Resistance ride is very much old-school Star Wars using the modern Star Wars episodes for source material, and it works *wonderfully* so I have to wonder if they kept Kathleen a long distance away during the process.
5720387 Disney Food Blog spoiled me for the whole area. All I wanted to do when I went is eat. Since I was post-covid, I knew better than to do more than occasional snacking. (After recovering, there's an infinitely fine line between "I'm starving" and "I ate so much I can't move for hours now.")
5720384 Fun was put first. Now to pay it all off.
5720383 Disney is best experienced without any set schedules. Go there, turn off your Adult, and just go wherever it looks interesting. You'll miss stuff, of course, like I almost missed Jungle Cruise (at night, it wasn't quite as much fun). Really, I can't describe the whole process without gluing the word "Awesome" in front of everything.
About frosted/fogged windows: if you have an outdoor electric outlet near your car, use a space heater to clear the windshield. I put the space heater on a box on the passenger seat and direct the air towards the driver side. You have to keep the heater indoors before you turn it on in the car because a really cold space heater won't turn on (otherwise I'd leave it in the car and use a timer). 45 minutes before you need to go is ample time, I usually set the thermostat to 'medium' heat. (If left on high when it's not 30° below, the heater turns off early.) The residual heat keeps the window from fogging up on your drive until the motor warms up and provides defogging heat. It's not going to remove inches of snow on its own, but it helps with quick removal of a freezing rain crust.
I love DFB. For some reason, I've gotten out of the routine of watching every new video that comes out.
I've only been to DW once, but I'm glad I did it as an adult. I have the memories there, though I can barely remember what was for supper yesterday. Yes, I did have fun. It was at the end of August, during a lull in the tourist season. We rode POTC like 4-5 times in a row one day.
All in all, you could do much worse than DW.
5720505
Putting little desiccant packets under the windshield can absorb moisture and keep them from fogging up on the inside.
But the best way to avoid interior fogging is to be completely dry, so use a hairdryer if you need to drive somewhere right after showering in winter. Going to the gym can be tricky, since sweat evaporation can cause fogging, so even if you decide to put off showering until you get home, the interior relative humidity still goes up.
I've heard that old socks or stockings with salt or kitty litter can also prevent fogging, though I've only ever used them for ice dams.
5720478
Re. Genie+, which I didn't know existed:
When I was a kid, every time I went to an amusement park, I'd complain to everybody who'd listen that I'd gladly pay a higher ticket price to be allowed into a line that only let in people who'd paid that higher ticket price. Not despite being cheap, but because I was cheap, and figured I'd easily get more rides per dollar that way.
Every person I told this idea about, told me that it was (A) impossible, because no one would stand for it, and (B) anti-democratic and immoral. (Though they couldn't explain why not letting people in for free wasn't anti-democratic and immoral for the same reason.)
That was one of the first times I realised that humans are stupid.
Now, if I'd patented the idea as a business process, I'd... still be poor, because the patent would have expired by now.
5720659
Patented or not, those shenanigans just lead to more problems.
5720659 5720709 The quick and short of it is greed, I suppose.
Single Rider Lines are great for rides that have like 6 or so slots on a car. Party of 5 plus that one guy standing in the line and off you go. (15% more efficient right there) Disney even has a Couples-with-one-small-child routine so Bob and Mary can get in line, Bob can go on the ride, then when he's back, Mary hands Junior to him and she goes on the ride. Works great.
Fastpass (in various parks) used to be called Virtual Queues. Show up at a ride, see the line is two hours long, take a ticket for something like 2.5 hours later, and go spend money in the park for a few hours before you come back and zip right to the front of the ride. Park gets more money, people were happy, or at least the ones who got their FastPass to a time before the park closed.
Genie is just greed. You have to get up at something like 6am and get on the website to grab your reservations (which sell out in five minutes) and you're locked in. You *have* to show up at that time or it's gone. That blows the entire experience of just wandering around the park (because it's a vacation, darnit, not a race). Admittedly there are some bright points to the application, like being able to order at a counter service place without fighting through the main crowd, along with maps and happy narrations of the sights you're seeing. So it is well-worth getting the app. Just go in the off season if you want to ride the rides. Heck, go in the off season anyway. There's no way I'd go there in June/July.
5720709
I disagree. They're not shenanigans; they'd help everyone get more of what they want. Do the math and you'll see that it would lower ticket prices for the people who want cheap tickets. It's a way of indirectly implementing discriminatory pricing, which means rich people pay more, and poor people pay less.
Or maybe I don't disagree, because apparently Disney uses timed-entrance tickets. I agree with Georg that that ruins the theme park experience. Who wants to lead a bunch of kids around for a day with a tightly-scheduled plan? Not my idea of fun.
5720762 Oh, then Genie's not what I thought at all. It sounds dumb and irritating.
5720514
Most of the frost/moisture forms on the outside of the windshield. Desiccants inside the car won't stop that but a heater blowing hot air inside the car will remove it. People usually start their car and let it run for ten minutes or more to clear the frost/fog, but that uses gas, whereas my electric heater method uses household electricity from the hydroelectric power grid. Could be less expensive.
Jumping into the car straight from the shower is like asking for fog, but it's cold up here in the land of ice and snow; warm moist breath is all you need. I can't hold my breath that long and old socks stuffed with salt, kitty litter and desiccant packets would taste awful.
5720478
<implying that I've ever turned it on>
That is the best way to experience life. Back in my old college days, my two most memorable spring break trips were the ones where we just went places that 'looked interesting.' From taking a minivan down a fire access road, to picking up a hitchhiker named Emil, to camping in a cemetery, to visiting a town in Kentucky called Possum Trot because why wouldn't you go there if you had the chance, spontaneity wins the day.
It's one of my greatest regrets that as I get older and have a job (is that the Adult?) and a finite amount of time off, when I drive places I can't just go wherever looks interesting 'cause I'm on a schedule . . . although in the height of the Pandemic, I did manage a trip up north where I went wherever the winds sent me.