Hello Again! Updates And New Story: "When You Fall, I Can't Catch You"! (Edits: Featured! And Read These Too!) · 10:23pm Dec 15th, 2012
Alright, so, I've been gone for a while now. A lot happened. My mother found out about my bisexuality, my agnoisticism, and my efforts seeking psychological help. He didn't blow up as I had expected. Honestly, I'm pretty happy about how well she's taken it-- saying r.e. orientation something like "I've known for a while, just waiting for you to tell me"-- and she's zeroed in on the mental health problems. That's something that I've been dealing with, worse these past weeks recently than usual back in the summer and spring. I can go on and on about it, that sort of inky blackness coursing inside of me that almost keeps me from living, but...
Well, alright then. Guess who's been diagnosed with depression and schizophrenia (together, known as 'schizo-affective disorder')? If you said "Swiper!", then you win a churro! Since I can't teleport it to you, I'll eat it on your behalf. But, in all seriousness, this has been... very rough...
It's scary. Going from office to office, getting blood drawn for tests, and waiting in those waiting rooms... it's just... horrible, honestly, it's hard to find the words to describe that feeling of having both your mind and body against you, eating away at you. I'm now on 150mg of quetiapine fumarate every single night. I don't know if it helps. It'll be weeks and weeks until I could even tell for sure.
I know that this is not my fault. I can't blame myself any more than someone can blame themselves for diabetes or cancer or some other crippling illness. Yet, honestly, it feels different. Having schizophrenia feels like failure. It feels like a character weakness. It feels like worthlessness. I see the Connecticut shooting news on television, and I cry. Not just for the victims, but for the shooter-- he too was a human being with dignity and worth that did a horrible thing but was not inherently evil. All deaths are a tragedy. And now, like clockwork, we shall see the mainstream American media take this shooting as another opportunity to tell viewers that schizophrenics are all time-bombs waiting to go off-- that they are creepy losers that you need to lock up your daughters to keep them safe from.
Now, then, I haven't written anything for a while (sure, some authors go months and months without doing anything, but I'm not really one to be like that). And, well, I've tried to turn my inner turmoil into prose before. I did it with Rarity's Raspberries, with Dash's Tears in the Rain, and with other stories. This one, I have to say, is closest to home.
When You Fall, I Can't Catch You
Yes, this is almost all auto-biographical. And I didn't want to write it. I just had to write it. I consider it part of the therapy.
Honestly, I expect this story to go over as well as a lead balloon, maybe drowning in down-votes from a public that would much rather like the light, happy comedy things that I've usually written. But I'm releasing it anyway. Do, please, read and comment!
*hugs you all very tightly*
============EDIT============
I'm not familiar with the site now that it's been redesigned.
But, wow, I see that now I guess I'm... featured!
At any rate, I have to say that I really do want people to read this story in the sense of-- well-- support. There are hundreds upon hundreds of people out there suffering from schizophrenia and from depression. And I've bawled my eyes out about being diagnosed with both. I just want to make some kind of sign that those people are cared for. If my one story helps to change one mind or maybe just open one single person's heart, then it's worth it.
*hugs you all again*
Oh, and one important thing! Please read as well: The Love of a DJ by Shadowflash and The End by Art Inspired!
Again: The Love of a DJ and The End (You won't regret it! Read them!)
okay
Oh god what.
I walk away for ten days to make some humorous videos and suddenly... o-o
Something to cheer you up then?
I wish I could feel those feels man... I really do... but hey, you can say now to anyone that you helped dispel the notion that MLP is dumb, because it can help schizophrenic patients! Take pride in this, because I can't tell wether you'll be mad or sad at what I'm saying.
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It's cool, bro!
AWESOME. The people of the internet probably shouldn't joke about the schizophrenia, right? Because if they may, it'll be easir to talk to you. Not that you aren't already fun to talk to, I'm just saying that now we have something else to talk about.
Well. Mainstream American media is mainly comprised of idiots, idiots, and Neanderthals. The fact that there is discrimination against anybody for anything anymore really shocks and disappoints me. Honestly, I'd think we'd have gotten past this after racism trickled to such a low level, but unfortunately not.
And schizo-affective disorder... sounds really rough. I wish I could help out in some way, other than words of encouragement. Remember, no matter what anybody says about you, you are not bad in any way. Nothing is wrong with being different. Most of the world has yet to realize that things such as race or disorders don't classify anybody as something they aren't. People used to think that homosexuality was a disease, and yet after it was discovered to be natural, the majority still treat it like one.
But I digress. I'm glad your mother was cool about everything. Good luck with all of this, and stay safe.
-Plyxe, friend
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Eh, I don't know. Joking for fun is always different than joking to be mean to someone. I know the distinction.
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Hey, if you want to talk on Steam then we can, just not until way late tonight. Alright?
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Nice piano background to that video, though I'm sure what the hell I'm looking at...
Good to see you well once more.
Don't be gone for so long next time. I miss your company, you know.
Good. I waan't planning on making fun of you, but if you said no, my jokes would be futile ramblings to one who does not appreciate them. Actually I must leave.
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I love talking to you guys!
Sorry to hear about your condition, Swiper. I wish you the best of luck. Would it be cool if we talked on steam?
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I would love to talk on Steam, but I can't anytime soon-ish. I probably can later today, past say 9pm central time.
Thanks for your comment, also!
616006 That reminds me, I have no idea what your steam is XD
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It's:
the_fox_swiper
It's a scary system. I feel for you.
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At least, I have my friends and other close people, online and off...
Sorry to hear about that, I honestly don't know how the media found out the shooter was a scizophrenic or why they would say all scizophrenics are evil but I suppose if some soccer moms thought that "Derpy" was an offensive stereotype of the mentally disabled then this shouldn't come as shocking news to me. We claim we are "The Land of The Free" yet we shuned those of different races and religions decades and centuries ago and now we also shun people for things they can't control. This is probably the first time I can safely say I'm glad I'm an autistic because it gives me a greater understanding of the world and allows me to realize that everyone deserves a chance. I just hope that by the end of this decade we'll be making a head start on racism that is based off of mental stereotypes as well. Maybe then we'll finally be able to learn that the real idiots are the ones who never learn their lesson even after they are given many oppertunies to redeem themselves. You have my support, and if it means anything to you I don't view you any differently even after all this.
Dammit, I wish there a way to physically express our emotions other than clacking on our keyboards. You'd have tons of hugmail, FoxMan.
I may have no experience in Schizo-Affective Disorder, but I do know what it's like to be Bisexual. It's never easy having to deal with a lifestyle you have to hold back inside yourself every damned day. When I ungracefully came out to my mother (softest blow worst case, right?), she was very happy for me and encouraged my feelings 100%! I felt amazing until I decided to tell my father, which didn't end NEARLY as well as I thought. Friends took it... ehhhhh, with a cup of salt. *EDITED FOR SAD, UNNECESSARY RANTING
*
Anyway, my overall point is that no matter how difficult things seem to get, there's always things to be happy and thankful for. No matter how important or odd it may seem.
Sometimes the biggest piece of art isn't the most beautiful in the museum. Ya know?
Keep goin', FoxMan. We all love ya here.
Note: Site update needed Lyra emotes!
(Play for a feel good time)
Your back!!
You actually went through with the fic you were discussing in your last post and not only was it theraputic but, it also got featured!
Congrats on your serious autobiographical fic getting featured! (I haven't read it yet, will rectify that soon)
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Probably one of the better reflections on our community recently.
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Great that your mom didn't blow up.
As for the diagnosis, while it doesn't sound fun and pills suck(I despise my Depakote(epilepsy)), now that you know what it is, things can now start to improve now that your treating it.
Don't compare yourself to a child killer or other notable mental cases. They only get publicity because they did something bad and everyone knows that the news companies only report bad news and blow insignificant or tangental stuff out of proportion and make it the cause of the incident.
Example: Violence and video games (video games actually have been proven to be beneficial in several studies)
There are lots of people out there with depression, schizophrenia, and/or 'schizo-affective disorder' that live normal lives without doing anything terrible to themselves or others. The fact that you worry about being a danger means your a good person and unlikely to harm anyone unprovoked (harming others in self defense or in the defense of loved ones is okay and actually kinda encouraged(hence gun laws and martial arts classes))
Dont let the news organisations get you down with stories of schizophrenics commiting crimes, your not like them.
In the end, we're still with you and support you.
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Merry Christmas, Happy Hearthwarming, and a Happy New Year.
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(some more smiles for the road)
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*big fuzzy huggies*
I know Seroquel. (That was the trade name before it went off-patent.) There are still a couple of tabs sitting in the box in the linen closet. It is horrible, nasty, frightening stuff. And for about a week, it pretended to work.
In Western civilization, we have a strong sense of self-sufficiency. This is a good thing, because we can trust ourselves to take the appropriate actions when needed. But this is also a bad thing, because we look down our noses at those who don't seem to have such a sense -- and we automatically assume that it's due to some sort of damnable character flaw. That voice young Sparkle keeps hearing? It's his own, but only because he's heard those same words thousands of times before, and they've become imprinted on his very soul. A lie repeated a billion times remains a lie.
Think of the Nightmare. Think what it took to pry it away from Luna. It wasn't easy, and it required entirely too much time in the horrible, nasty, frightening Everfree -- but it did happen. It can happen for you. We've got your back.
I want to hug the ever loving shisnit out of you dude. You were gone for forever, and I was worried about you.
*bear hugs*
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Seriously, thanks guys very much for all of the love and support!
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Anytime, Foxman!
636923 You're welcome, don't let a few media idiots bring you down. Just rememebr that chances are at this point people are grasping at whatever straws they can find. Right now though that mom who preached gun violence certainly seems like she played a bigger role than she would've perfered all in this.
636923
No problem!
Have some more hugs!
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(Sorry about my delay, I was out of country visiting family and Im a closet brony (I almost bought my niece a white Celestia or an Applejack (AJ would have been funny since she is the most "American" pony out of them all and my niece isn't), but didn't fearing exposure)