The Attempt
A few miles away from the marvel that is Canterlot Castle, a young unicorn was walking through the moonlit streets of Canterot. His snow-white coat seemed to reflect the moonlight, and his dual-colored mane flowed with each light breeze that came his way. The young unicorn slowed to a steady walk as he approached a dark purple house. He started to breathe heavily and his legs began wobbling. A hint of anxiety started to show in his cerulean eyes as he walked closer to the house.
"Okay, don't freak, just walk in, and don't make a foal of yourself like last time," the young colt muttered under his breath as he came up the front porch stairs of the house. "Here we go," he mumbled to himself as he hesitantly opened the door to the house.
"Twi-Lee, I'm home!" a young filly with a purple mane shot straight up from the nearby couch and bolted towards her older brother.
"Shining Armor!" Twilight yelled as she embraced her older brother with a tight hug.
"Hey sis, where’s Cadance?" Shining Armor asked more enthusiastically than he intended.
"Upstairs in the bathroom... why? You wanna say you loooove her?" Twilight teased.
"Shut up." It was at that moment a young pink-coated alicorn with a pink, purple, and bright yellow mane put up in a ponytail emerged from the bathroom.
"Hey, Shining Armor, how was work?" the pink beauty asked.
"Oh, you know, just another day of shoving books on shelves,” Shining Armor replied.
Cadance walked downstairs to join the two unicorns, her light purple eyes sparkling like diamonds in the light of the house.
"Twilight was so good; I love foal sitting for the little one.” The little filly known as Twilight blushed a bit behind her brother.
"Yeah, she's a great little sister, and I hear she is just as great of a student."
"I still can't believe she's studying under my aunt, it’s amazing, really. Oh, and Shining, that little dragon is just adorable," Cadance said with excitement dripping from her voice.
"Yeah, but all the little guy does is sleep and suck on his tail," Shining Armor said, just a little annoyed at the small dragon.
"Hey, he's only a year old, give Spike a break," Twilight retorted. Shining Armor laughed a bit while ruffling his sister's mane.
"Whatever, sis.” Cadance couldn't help but laugh at this tiny bit of family teasing. Although it was just a short giggle, to Shining Armor, it was the most beautiful sound in the world. It only compared to her singing voice that he occasionally heard when she and Twilight had a small duet in the house as he came home from work. Shining Armor could still remember the first day he saw his crush.
***************
It was a few months ago, Shining Armor and Twilight's parents, Night Light and Twilight Velvet, had announced that they were both going to work together to help their family friend, Pony Joe, expand his donut business. However, trying to establish a business all the way in Manehatten can leave a family in demand for a foal-sitter. Night Light and Twilight Velvet didn't want to make Shining Armor quit his first job at the library to become a constant foal-sitter, which left them in a bit of a difficult situation. One day, while studying with Princess Celestia, Twilight explained her family's predicament, so Celestia did something nopony would have thought a princess would do. She got her niece, Cadance, to be Twilight's foal-sitter. Celestia, with Cadance, dropped by Twilight and Shining Armor's house one day to offer their help, and of course their parents said yes, and it's been a plan in motion since. That same day Cadance got to meet the whole family, even Spike, and it was on that day that Shining Armor laid his eyes on the most captivating mare he ever saw. Her tri-colored mane put up in a ponytail, her light purple eyes, her loving and caring personality were all Shining Armor could think about for weeks to come. Even then he struggled to utter out a full complete sentence to her. In fact, all he could manage to say to her when she asked his name was:
"Abugh- ugh- you- my- my- my- my- name- ugh... Shining Armor." Cadance chuckled at his response while he continued to shake and sweat.
"Alright, Cadance, let's get back to the castle; you need your rest before your first day on the job," Celestia called while heading towards the front door.
"Okay, Aunt Celestia. Bye, Night Light, bye Twilight Velvet. You won't be disappointed, I promise."
"Oh, we’re sure that you'll do great," replied the still-flabbergasted parents. Cadance started towards the door then turned around to Twilight.
"I can't wait to get to know you more, Twilight, see you tomorrow."
"See you tomorrow, Princess Cadance," replied Twilight.
“Just call me Cadance," Cadance replied with a small giggle at the formality shown towards her.
"Okay, Cadance," said Twilight, who nearly passed out at this showing of casualty towards royalty. Cadance then turned towards the still shaking Shining Armor, "Hope I see you too."
'Oh no, what do I say? What do I say? What do I say?' thought the quivering colt.
"Y-Ye-Y-Ye-Yeah, hope I get to s-s-see you too," he quivered.
'You stuttering idiot!' he thought to himself while forcing a smile. Shining Armor could still hear the chuckles coming from Cadance as she flew off with Celestia towards the castle.
"She's wow!" muttered a love struck Shining Armor standing in a pile of his own sweat. Since then, Shining Armor had a crush, and has been a bit of a muttering buffoon on numerous occasions.
***************
Today, though, Shining Armor made it his mission to finally work up enough courage to finally ask his crush out on a date. He stood up, took in a deep breath, and laid his eyes on the pink pony.
"Cadance?" he asked.
"Yes, Shining Armor?"
"I was wondering, if maybe... on some day... when you're not busy... or not foal-sitting... or just want to do something... or I don't know... ugh... ugh, maybe Friday, Saturday?" Shining Armor managed to get out with long pauses between each part of his question. Cadance really tried to follow his question, but the all too obviously confused look on her face showed that she was lost with his words.
"What?" she asked.
Shining Armor opened his mouth, only to be cut off by a ground-shaking BONG. The three ponies looked towards the direction that they heard the disturbance from. Cadance was the first to pick up on the fact that it was the clock tower a few blocks from the house.
"Oh my goodness, I've gotta get back to the castle before my aunt gets worried!" exclaimed Cadance, hurrying towards the doorway. Shining Armor stood there gazing at his crush, unable to come up with something else to say after part one of his train wreck of an attempt to ask her out.
"Bye, Cadance, see you tomorrow," Twilight waved ecstatically as she imagined the fun she was going to have the next day.
"Okay, Twilight, see you tomorrow. Bye, Shining Armor," Cadance cooed, turning away from Shining Armor and walking out of the doorway, her hips swaying with each step.
‘Great job, Shining. You just bucked up and lost her. Fantastic.’ He groaned, both as a way to vent his anger towards himself and longing for the pink princess walking out of his front door.
Shining Armor propped himself against the door frame, trying to keep himself from collapsing to the ground. He watched helplessly as the mare of his dreams prepared to take flight. He urged himself to do something more, say anything to get her attention. “Y-Y-Yeah, bye, Cadence.”
‘REALLY!?! That’s the best you could come up with?!?’
Twilight, with a look of disapproval, started nudging at her brother’s chest, urging him to do more.
“C’mon, Shining, go after her!”
“I know I should, Twi, but I can’t do it,” Shining Armor whispered back. “What if I mess up again?”
“You already did, you got the worst part over, you can only go up from here,” Twilight retorted.
Shining Armor, after brushing off Twilight’s blunt advice, started to composed himself. He took in a deep breath, and went after his crush.
"Cadance!" he called after the mare of his dreams. The pink beauty turned around, her eyes sparkling beautifully under the moonlight.
"Yes, Shining Armor?"
The young colt froze in his spot. His heart started racing, sweat began to form along his mane, and his legs began to wobble. He was literally melting from the look she gave him, her eyes too captivating for him to look away. A few moments passed before Cadance broke the silence.
"Shining?" she asked.
"Ugh, ugh, w-w-would you, ugh..." he mumbled.
"Yes?" Cadance asked in anticipation.
"Ugh... have a nice night," Shining Armor managed to say with a hint of shame in his voice.
"Oh, ugh, okay... thanks Shining," replied a confused Cadance.
Twilight stood there in the porch, observing part two of the train wreck that was her brother’s attempt to ask Cadance out. Cadance turned away and flew off into the night sky towards the Canterlot castle, leaving the stuttering colt to mentally, and physically, beat himself up about his horrible attempt at asking Cadance out.
'Idiot, idiot, idiot, idiot,' thought the white unicorn as he slammed his hoof into his forehead repeatedly. After beating at his forehead for a good minute, Shining Armor walked inside his house, with Twilight waiting by the couch.
"C'Mon bro, that was worse than the time you tried to ask her out when she came to the library, and you ended up running away and bumped into those bookshelves."
Memories of that day flashed through Shining Armor’s mind a little too quickly for his liking. The way he choked up upon seeing Cadance at the library, and the end result of books falling atop his head and burying him underneath a pile of literature. "I know, but at least the books hid my face," Shining Armor half-heartedly joked.
"Well, you still have a few days left before mom and dad get back home from their vacation in the Hayman Islands, maybe you can find a way to ask Cadance out by then, she isn't gonna foal sit forever you know," Twilight teased.
"Yeah, yeah, shouldn't you be in bed right now?" Shining Armor asked, getting a bit annoyed.
"Ughhh, fiiiiiiine," Twilight sighed as she headed upstairs to her room. The door shut, and Shining Armor walked over to the couch and sat down.
"Oh Cadance, why can't I just bring myself to ask you? Why can't I be more confident? Why am I talking to myself?” Shining Armor’s mind went straight to thoughts of Cadance, no, not just Cadance, Princess Cadance. His ears drooped and his self-confidence plummeted into the negatives. “I'm just a library assistant, and you're a princess, the niece of Celestia! You deserve so much better than me," Shining Armor mumbled to nopony.
Twilight stood by her door, listening to her brother's self-loathing. She couldn't stand listening to her own brother talk about himself like he was the most unworthy pony in all of Equestria. She opened the door, and went downstairs to her brother.
"You're not just a library assistant, Shining," spoke Twilight. Shining Armor jolted up to see the little filly standing by him with the most sincere look in her dark purple eyes.
"Oh... you heard that," Shining Armor groaned, then averted his gaze to the floor.
"Shining Armor, you’re the most caring, hardworking, and biggest lovable goofball I know, you're an awesome brother, and yet you talk about yourself like you're the most pathetic colt in Equestria," lectured Twilight.
"After that horrible attempt, even you have to admit that I looked pathetic," droned Shining Armor.
"No, not pathetic, more like just really really really really nervous. But you shouldn't be, Cadence thinks you're a super nice guy, and I honestly think she might like it if you actually told her you feel," explained the little filly. Shining Armor took this all in, raising his head as if new hope was ignited in his heart.
"Thanks, Twi-Lee, you always know how to pull me up when I'm down."
"What else are sisters for?" remarked Twilight as she gave her brother a hug.
"Now go to bed, Twilight, you can't be sleepy while studying with the Princess," instructed Shining Armor as he broke off the hug between the two.
"Okay bro, love you BBBFF," Twilight said.
"Love you too, LSBFF," replied Shining Armor.
Twilight headed up to her room and got into bed. Little snores could be heard from the side of her bed as the little baby dragon dreamed on.
"Good night, Spike, get your rest. Shining Armor's taking you with him to work while I study with the Princess," the little filly whispered to the still sleeping dragon.
Downstairs, Shining Armor sat on the couch wondering how he would be able to get the most beautiful pony in Equestria, nay, the world to go out with him. Shining Armor yawned and stretched out his forelimbs. "I'll sleep on it, maybe something will come to me," he yawned out. And just like that, Shining Armor knocked out on the couch, not even bothering to make an effort to go to his room. Finally, there was silence, and temporary peace, in the house.
***************
Cadance made her way to the castle, landing in the large courtyard with grace. When she entered the castle, she was greeted by the great white alicorn she knew as her aunt.
"Aunt Celestia, I'm home!" she exclaimed.
Princess Celestia turned around to greet her niece. "Cadance, how was Twilight?" she asked.
"Wonderful, I got to show her some spells that she could study, got to play with Spike, and had a bit of a half-gibberish half-conversation with Shining Armor." Celestia chuckled at the last comment.
"Awww, do I sense a little crush on my student's brother?" the white alicorn asked.
"Auntie, Shining Armor's a nice guy, but... I don't know, if I see him in that way, but he is really... I mean... I don’t know." There was a short silence before Celestia spoke again.
"You're young, you'll have plenty of time to figure out how you feel, just remember, the heart that waits the longest, aches the most," and with that, Celestia walked away from the confused Cadance, back to her throne room.
Cadance stood there by the entryway of the castle for a while before heading up the gigantic staircase up to her room. She pondered what her aunt had said for quite a while, thinking about it even more as she headed out onto the balcony outside her room. Cadance gazed up at the starry night sky, and then down at the view of Canterlot she had from her balcony. A few streets away she could see the dark purple house she had just left, and stared at it for the longest time.
"The heart that waits the longest aches the most."
Those words echoed in Cadance's mind. The young alicorn looked on at the house, deep in thought.
‘I don't know, I just don't know.’
I have absolutely NO BUCKINE IDEA WHY ANYPONY WOULD THUMB THIS DOWN!!!!!
It's just damn cute, and filly twilight is just DAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW *heart attack*
*wakes up again*
That brings me to a mistake. It's filly, not philly
Tracked and faved! Don't dissapoint me now
First off, it's filly, not philly. They're ponies, not cheesesteaks.
Secondly, Shining Armor is canonically Captain of the Royal Guard. There's not a hint of that in this fic. Joining the guard was established to be an ambition of Shining Armor's from a young age. This isn't a critical point, although Shining is implied to be fairly young for his rank, and it's easier to justify a rapid ascension if it's something he's been training for from a young age (like the way Twilight's training in magic started long before she got her cutie mark). It's something you'll have to address in future chapters.
Finally, here's some stuff I noticed about how the siblings interact. Most writers render Shining's nickname for Twilight Sparkle as "Twily". I have to really praise you for rendering Shining's nickname for Twilight as "Twilee" and "Twi-Li" instead. Those amused me, and I think both of them really capture the cadence of the words better than 'Twily' does. However, BBBFF means 'Big Brother Best Friends Forever', so BLSFF means... 'Best Little Sister Friends Forever'? Maybe you meant LSBFF, 'Little Sister Best Friends Forever'. I do have to credit you for creating a reciprocal acronym at all... I'd pretty much always interpreted that as a Twilightism rather than a sibling in-joke.
1657264
I'm the one who thumbed it down, and you're right. I'll make it a thumbs up. The writing is decent, the idea is decent, and it didn't deserve to have its first thumb be a downer.
1657274 I must say that it would't have been thumbed up if it was an established writer writing with this quality while "beating a dead horse".
He's actually extremely skiled to be a fresh author (i am too).
Would be cool if it got featured.
Author, if some idiots give you a harsh time, just ignore them. If you can't do that, give me a word. I am sure thay would enjoy meeting "love and tolerate" (look at profile pic to get the reference)
Interesting, i love stories that shows Shinning and Cadance background
Just some things:
The word for what i know is Filly and not Philly
Cadance is a Foal sitter not a filly sitter
use something like bold or italics to show thoughts, it makes the reading easier
This sentence is weird, i think it would be better if you changed to:
"Yeah, she's a great little sister, and she is also a great student"
well that all i found, please continue this story it's rare to find their background without dark
1657300
I don't like being characterized as an "idiot" 'giving the author a harsh time' because I tried to be helpful. Nor is it good advice to tell authors to ignore their critics. It is especially not nice to mock people with implied threats by saying "I am sure thay[sic] would enjoy meeting 'love and tolerate' (look at profile pic to get the reference)" when your profile pic is a sniper rifle. Violence isn't a funny thing you should use for your amusement and the reassurances of others. There are better ways.
The people here are good people, by and large. You should be kinder.
Glad to see that some people actually read this, and yeah I kinda didn't see all the philly phillie errors, tried to get most, but hey, it is my first story. As for the Shining Armor being the captain of the royal guard later on, I'm aware of that, let's just say his feelings for Cadence, and desire to be more confident lead him to join a certain something. I honestly have no idea how old Shining Armor should be considered in the series, but since he was named the youngest captain, I figure somewhere in his early to mid 20's? This sets back to when he as still, like early teenage years (14-16)? Hope to get the next chapter out relatively soon. Hopefully I can make i better, more clearer, and have less gramatical errors. Oh! As for the bolding of certain things, how do you do that? I was submitting this last night, and as I looked through it, the stuff I tried to bold in were replaced by "." I have no idea what I was supposed to do there, so everything I bolded or italicized, I had to make it just like the rest of the font for the story. Can somepony help me with that?
First of all, as someone else pointed out, it's filly, not philly.
Second of all, Celestia controls the moon at this time.
i.chzbgr.com/completestore/12/5/28/gugQsUdU5EqXjIZ-woKXJw2.png
If Cadence's aunt is Celestia what make Luna?
Is it possible to go back into the story and edit some mistakes?
1657351 Yeah, you are right .That comment should never have been posted
It was both inapropriate, unfit and could be taken as threatening.
With that said i stil think he should ignore people criticising him. Note that i said criticise and not constictively criticise. Criticise is comments like this: "your story [insetri inapropriate word] [insert inapropriate word] amd similar. It was in no way related to your comment. Your comment is what i would cal consructive criticism, and should be appreciated by authors who want to improve (me included).
The need to state a point to the author got the better of me
I wish to apologise to you, the author and the entire comunity. I should, as both an author and sports marksman, have known better than that. Forgive me if you want, but i understand if you rep the comment
1657909
Yes, you can. All you need to do is to click on the chapter. Once it opens you should get a toolbar on the top of the chapter. click on "edit chapter". It wil now open the chapter in the same interface as you wrote it in before you published it. Make the changes you want, and save it
This is a great story, especially for a first-time writer. I myself just started out.
Best of luck to you, hopefully this story can become featured.
So great
I hope this story doesn't get a single dislike and hopefully it get's featured as well, because it should. If not don't worry it takes a bit of time (it took me 7 tries.) Don't really have any corrections seeing as everyone before me already got to it. Just keep it steady and don't rush it. I would also suggest, if you don't already have one, getting another person to edit besides yourself it really helps with the small details.
Can't wait for the next chapter
Thank you dartmaul15, I just need to go back and make some grammer changes, I can be a bit of a Twilight about mistakes. Thank you everyone for the constructive criticism, I really hope to get Chapter 2 up on here relatively soon, and hopefully the story will get better and better.
Hmmmmm...... You need to put in page breaks indicating sudden scene changes, and you need to remember that ponies and humans are slightly different. Also, try to indicate when one of your characters is having a flash back. I was very confused by this, but I believe I got the gist. All in all, you have a good idea here. And I'm not saying that to be patronizing.
Also filly Twi = Insanely adowable.
1657439 Yeah but it's still lunas moon
Gets the reader to relate to all of the charecters. Good job.
5 moustaaches
Also Twilight's parents are named Night Light and Twilight Velvet. Twilight Velvet is cannon I think Night Light is fan cannon but not official cannon.
D'awwwwwwwwwww..... that was adorable I can't wait to see where you go with this
1657759
Her other aunt...
well i dont care about the mistakes. but i really love this story i cant wait for another chapter i'm intrigue
Anyone know how to but bold or italicized writing in? When I was editing the frst time before putting this up, I tried to bold in or italicize something, but instead I got "." as a final result.
i.imgur.com/ocGSs.png
Somepony had to do it.
1657351
He wasn't calling you an idiot, the guy was making a reference to the future bronies who would stumble upon this story and start emotionally disturbing the author for some melodramatic reason.
1660219
If it's something already written try highlighting it and clicking bold and italicize. If its not something already written I'd suggest hitting bold and italicize first. I've had this problem before to.
A few spelling mistakes like Philly instead of filly and I saw Miniute misspelled once or twice. Beyond the minor spelling mistakes I saw, it looks to be pretty cute. I'm looking forward to he next chapter you have for us!
1658006
Thanks for the apology. Apologizing to the entire community is kinda over the top.
I didn't and don't intend to report your comment... I always try to approach people first before I call down figures of authority. It doesn't work most of the time, but sometimes it does.
1660219
Yay, you're editing! I am so tracking this story now.
1662727 No, it's not. I made a mistake, and i learned from it
Just have to say that i can't wait for the next chapters!
You may not be the enxt Austen or Tolkien at current time, but what you do got is an overload of DAWWWW, AWESOME and AWKWARD
Got to love this
Yay finally made an account well I hope this updates often but not to often because I don't want you to feel rushed because it is amazing >> spike 120812 is that how you direct a comment
Who ever disliked this story you just got on my bad side
ERRRMERRRR GERD!!! I already know this is gonna be a great story only the few minuscule spelling/grammar mistakes to really nag on but who doesn't
twilight doesn't count though....
I wholeheartedly approve. At first I was like "Hmmm...". Then I was like "D'awww". Definitely go for it!/
A very adorable story. However, I feel filly Twilight shows a bit too much maturity when talking with her big brother regarding a social situation...especially when that's the area the show shows she needs the most help understanding.
As for the rest, thought, very well written. Will be looking at other chapters later.
1883817
I agree. I also find it odd that Twilight would be so cooperative with his efforts as a filly, and forget about the relationship completely as a mare. Still, it's well written on it's own if you ignore the fact that it doesn't seem to be completely canon. I suppose that's why they're fanfics and not actual episodes.
Nice story so far^^ one minor complaint though. It wouldnt be "Lunas moon" right there. The whole thing with Cadence being Twilights foalsitter happened to a time when Luna was still imprisoned on the moon as Nightmare moon. other than that... I like it^^
it's twiley not twi-lee but whatever good story
2248919
Twi-Lee is Bruce Lee's cousin from Ponyville who taught Kung-Fu to Applebloom. Didn't you get the memo?
Just one thing. CadEnce was Twilight's foal sitter before Twilight was Celestias student, in the flash back we saw the Twilight didn't have her cutie mark yet. But apart from that I did enjoy this and shall read on!
Like, Faved And Subscri- i mean Followed
LIKEIE
Great story! You definantly get upvoted and fave'd by me. Now to keep reading
well done. That was very funny and was backed up by emotion seeing how gutterd he was at missing another chance.
That was an awesome story!! I wish I could write like that. I mean I think I'm good but I always come to a writers block. I published story on my sisters account its called The Lost Fillies. Its not very good in my opinion but please check it out I would appreciate the constructive critics... again great story.
don't you hate it when you can relate to a story so,...freakin...MUCH!!!!
whatever you do! shiny, dont wait until its too late!!!
this is so awsome,.....
3707702 I know how you feel on that one, my friend
Well, that went about as well as I expected.
Twilight, maybe you should give him a slap?
Shiny is adorable.