At Celestia's insistence, the five of us went into some private room of the castle where only the princesses were allowed to go. Shining Armor came too partially because he was the Captain of the Guard and partially because he was a prince via his marriage to Cadance. Celestia led me to what appeared to be an ordinary wall in the castle, but a quick spell from her horn revealed a secret doorway. She opened it and herded us inside.
The interior was actually pretty subdued given who occupied it. It was just a series of bookshelves, packed to the limit with books of all sizes. In the middle was a large oak table with green felt on top. Kind of like a poker table. It was surrounded by three chairs, but Celestia quickly conjured up two more for Shining Armor and me.
We all took our seats, each of us as silent as the grave. I looked over at each of the ponies around me. Celestia's expression was the carefully neutral one I had come to expect from her. Luna's face bore that expression as well, but I could see a hint of uncertainty in her eyes. Shining Armor and Cadance kept exchanging a glance that I couldn't read.
After a few seconds of silence, Celestia cleared her throat. "Now, it is imperative that nothing that is spoken here leaves the room, save for the knowledge that will soon be public anyway." Celestia motioned over to me. "As you can all see, TD is now a princess of Equestria. The reason why is still unknown to me."
"The last thing I did before..." I motioned to myself, "this is I finished Twilight's friendship spell. She had gotten hit by a bit of debris from Rarity's storm, and I dictated her spell when she figured it out."
Luna frowned. "That does not explain why the spell targeted thee, TD Powell. It was intended for Twilight."
"I kinda figured that out already, thanks," I snarked. "For whatever reason, though, it hit me."
"Does this mean that it would have turned Spike into a princess if he had dictated?" Cadance asked. She cocked her head at me. "I mean, that would make finishing the spell kind of a delicate process."
"Well..." I leaned back in my chair as well as I could. "I did also kind of learn a friendship lesson, and I did a bunch of friendshippy stuff that are your Elements or whatever right before I finished it."
"That could have something to do with it," Shining Armor agreed.
"I'm afraid that speculation as to why TD was ascended will have to wait." Celestia ignited her horn and a thick blue book flew off of the bookshelf. She opened it to a middle page and looked up to me. "This is a record of who runs what in Equestria. With your new powers I feel that it is your responsibility to at least take some duties."
I frowned and narrowed my eyes. "You know, what happens if I say no? Sure I'm an alicorn princess..." I inwardly rolled my eyes at that, "but I'm not exactly the kind of guy who likes the idea of being a ruler." I motioned over to the book. "I've never really sought power, even back on Earth. I was a dishwasher at a dining hall before I came here for goodness sakes."
The slightest hint of a frown crossed Celestia's face. "You do not want to have any input on how Equestria is run, even with your new powers and status?"
"I never wanted that!" I retorted. "Sure I'm a pony, but again, I'm a small town person. Even if I can't be changed back, I'd rather live quietly in Ponyville. That's who I am." I motioned to Cadance and Luna. "The only reason I really came here was to figure out what to do and to see if you guys couldn't change me back." My own slight frown crossed my face. "Or at the very least to see if you couldn't give me my balls back, because this..." I pointed between my legs, "is not okay."
"I understand, TD," Celestia said gently. "If nothing else, I do promise to look into that. I will likely be easier to do than to change your species." Celestia's expression changed to a subtly guilty one. "The latter of which would require new magic to do."
I groaned and banged my head onto the table a few times. "I was so proud to be a human," I said to nobody in particular. "I liked it."
I felt a hoof touch my shoulder and I glanced up to see Cadance giving me a warm smile. "It's going to be okay, TD. If nothing else, do know that we are here for you."
I raised my head and leaned it against my hoof. "This sucks."
I heard an angry snort behind me and I turned my head to see Cadance glaring at me. "You know what, mister? I hate to say this to you because I know you've been through a ton today, but you need to suck it up."
I straightened up completely and returned her glare. "Try changing species and gender sometime and see how you like it. I'd pay to see that."
Cadance rolled her eyes. "I'm sure I'd hate it just as much as you do, but be practical, TD. Are you going to sit around and mope about the fact that you're going to very soon be one of the most powerful beings in the entire universe, or are you going to get off your plot and do something about it?" Cadance stood up from her chair and flared out her wings. "I get that life has been hoofing you terrible things for about a year now, but Twilight told me that in Ponyville you made the best of it by being a teacher to the foals there." Cadance slammed her hoof on the table with each word. "Apply. That. Mentality. Here."
The room was completely silent after Cadance's little outburst. My jaw hung open as I processed her words, trying to find some flaw in them that would strengthen my perspective to her. Nothing came, though. The less rational part of my brain wanted me to flare out my wings and respond 'yeah, well, your mom,' but they wouldn't get it and it would be childish. I closed my jaw and flattened my ears, having more expressive ears was something that I had adjusted to quickly enough, and lightly fluttered my wings. "Sorry," I mumbled.
"I get it, TD. I really do." Cadance's tone had turned back to her usual softer one. "I guess I'm sorry for my outburst, but I hate seeing gifts being given to ponies and they complain. Whether you want to admit it or not, you can do some legendary things with what has just happened to you."
"I guess..." I groaned and slammed my own hoof on the table. "I'm trying to think of some friggin' retort to shut you down." I grimaced. "I don't like being on the receiving end of that kind of thing."
"I know you don't, TD," Cadance replied, taking her seat again. Her face stretched out into a thin smile. "I did kind of figure that your brain was heading that way. You can be pretty sarcastic."
"Yep," Shining Armor agreed. "Twiley has told me all about it." He snorted and a smile of his own crossed his face. "Maybe you should be the Princess of Snark and Sarcasm."
"We second the motion," said Luna. My jaw dropped open slightly again and I stared at her dumbfounded. She shrugged. "What? T'would be fitting given your behavior, yes?"
"Well... I mean... I guess?"
"Now that I reflect on the matter, I too must agree," said Celestia. I turned my head to her, my jaw still wide open. "TD, I know that this is hard for you." A faint smile appears at her lips. "If making you the Princess of Snark and Sarcasm will make the transition easier, then so be it."
"I also vote for that," said Cadance, her own smile widening.
"Then we are agreed." Celestia grabbed a quill in her magic and wrote down the verdict. "Amongst other things not yet known, Princess TD will be the Princess of Snark and Sarcasm."
"Agreed," said everybody else in the room.
Their collective words snapped me out of my incredulity, and I shook my head to clear it. "Uh... okay, I guess..." I raised my hoof and extended a wing. "But, let me very clear on one thing. Yeah, I'll take this. I'll accept my responsibilities or whatever about the whole thing. Having said that, I'm not doing it for you. I'm not doing it for Equestria." My eyes landed on everybody in the room in succession. "I'm doing it for Twilight."
Luna frowned and raised an eyebrow. "What do you mean?"
I closed my eyes with a sigh. "Look, I know that this was supposed to be Twilight sitting in my spot. I kinda feel that I stole that from her, however inadvertently. If I have this but just throw it away, that would be like hitting her while she's down, so to speak, right? I know that she's upset that this happened..." I locked eyes with Celestia, "so I'm doing this so that I don't throw away what should have been hers. That's the only reason. End of story."
Celestia slowly nodded, and jotted down something in the notebook. "That's... understandable, I suppose." She nodded again.
It could have been worse, I suppose. As my recent ascension has taught me, it's never so bad that it can't get worse.
"It is official." Celestia set down her quill. "Now, we must decide other matters. I'm afraid that even if we can turn you back, and it is a slim chance at best, it may take decades."
"Time I don't have," I retorted. "I mean, my life span may have increased to a hundred years or so since I'm a pony now, but I don't really have decades to spend if I want to make the most out of this."
"A hundred years?" Luna cocked her head and frowned. "We do not know where you received such a number, TD Powell."
"Right after the Gala." I pointed my hoof in the general direction of Ponyville. "Twilight and her buddies told me that ponies live for around one hundred and twenty some odd years."
"Normal ponies yes," said Celestia.
"Right. So that means—" My eyes widened as the implications of the word "normal" hit me like a brick. My mouth flopped up and down for a few seconds before I managed to regain my brainpower. "I'm not... immortal, am I?" Celestia, Cadance, and Luna exchanged a glance that told me all I needed to know. I thunked my head on the table again. "Oh for goodness sake!"
"Immortal but not invincible," Luna explained. "However, thou art more resilient to most forms of weapons."
"So this is forever." I groaned and banged my head again. "I think I can complain about this, Cadance." I opened one eye as a thought struck me, and I raised my head to look at Celestia. "So... if Twilight was meant to ascend today, doesn't that mean that she would become an immortal as well?"
"Ascension is an erratic thing at the best of times." Celestia pointed at Cadance. "When Cadance ascended, she became a beta alicorn, whereas you, Luna and I are alpha alicorns. She is not immortal, nor does she have the power to raise the sun and moon. It is my belief that Twilight would have become a beta alicorn as well."
"But you weren't sure."
Celestia nodded. "I'm afraid so."
I grimaced and tapped my hoof on the table. "That doesn't explain why I'm like this."
"I know," said Celestia gently. "Luna and I will use all of our resources to determine why you ascended the way you did. The Elements of Harmony are a mystery. They had a hoof in this, I'm sure of it. Your ascension has a reason behind it."
"Yeah, I got to become the Princess of Snark and Sarcasm," I snarked sarcastically.
"There is more to it than that," Celestia snapped. "Please understand that we are going into this as blind as you are."
"That matters not at the moment," Luna pointed out. "What We wish to discuss is matters in the near future." Luna levitated the book and quill over to her. "TD Powell has responsibilities. She is a princess who has accepted titles."
A snarl crossed my face, and I slammed my hoof on the table so hard it sent vibrations through it. "HE! I don't care what plumbing I biologically have right now, I was born a 'he' and I want you to refer to me like that."
If Luna was at all rattled by my outburst, she didn't show it. She simply tilted her head in a nod. "Very well. He. He will need to be given lands to govern and a place to reside in. He will also need to create his own guard."
"Wait... what?" I raised an eyebrow and looked between Celestia and Luna. "What do you mean 'create my own guard'?"
"It is not so much for your own protection as it is to keep the peace around you," Celestia explained. "You are a powerful being, TD. I told you about this in the chariot ride over."
"UH..." I frowned as I tried to remember the particulars of the conversation in the chariot. "Yeah. I think I remember something about that. So I get to form my own army, is that it?"
"Volunteer protection force," Celestia corrected. "But yes, the particulars will be up to you."
I opened my mouth to reply, but my retort died in my throat as a thought entered my mind. A deliciously mischievous thought. They seemed to be giving me free reign in creating my guard.
Maybe this wouldn't be so bad after all.
"Now, we shall need to discuss your place of residency." Celestia took the book back from Luna. "Given that you do still wish to be close to Ponyville, but at the same time need to reside in a larger city, I think Baltimare would be a wise choice."
I shrugged. "I guess that would be okay."
Celestia jotted that down in the book. "Very well. Your residency will be in Baltimare. You may alternate where you stay, of course."
"Of course."
Celestia nodded and closed the book. "We will have to leave off there for the day. Day court will be convening in half an hour, and it would be best if I was there. We will return to these matters once it is over." Celestia put the book back on the shelf before looking at me. "TD, would you like to sit in on the court to get an idea of what it is like? Should you have a fresh perspective on an issue you may speak it."
Once again Celestia was giving me a gift that I had no problem exploiting. I would be subtle about it, of course. Well, as subtle as a guy like me could be, but if I could, I planned on making this the most interesting day court ever. I couldn't flat out say that, but let's just say that I was having trouble not rubbing my hooves together and cackling like a Bond villain.
If I was going to be an alicorn princess, I was going to abuse the heck out of my new powers for a while. Even alicorn princesses need to unwind a little at the expense of the nobility.
The requirements for his guard should totally be that they can snark and are constantly sarcastic about everything. The captain of said guard would be someone who could keep up with TD, at the very least.
That would be fucking hilarious.
3049432![:pinkiehappy:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/pinkiehappy.png)
Good lord, my idea was used! Or you had that planned and I guessed it...oh well, yay!
I knew he was going to be Princess of Sarcasm!
I wasn't even being serious when I said he was 'princess of sarcasm' two chapters back.
When the fuck is TD gonna snap and off himself and/or others!?
I get that his life has been becoming progressively worse, but there has to be a fucking line somewhere!
I'll be honest: I consider myself a pretty laid back, nice guy. But if I lost my friends, family, home, species and even my fucking gender, I probably would've just started killing off every goddamn pony in sight.
At first I figured I might kill myself, but I've never been one to contemplate suicide, whereas I've imagined committing murder before. So perhaps this behavior would've been brought out in the extreme.
3049452 You forgot about Snark too. Snark is very important.
3049468 Because TD frankly cares too much for the ponies around him. He's not going to snap and kill the Crusaders of Cheerilee or anything, and he wouldn't do anything to hurt them emotionally either. TD the mass murderer would do that. Besides, he's finding positive aspects, and there are hopes that a few things can go back.
Two words: Called. It.
Can't wait to see what TD's branch of the Royal Guard is gonna be like.
"Yeah, I got to become the Princess of Snark and Sarcasm," I snarked sarcastically.
![:pinkiehappy:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/pinkiehappy.png)
SOLID.
FREAKING.
GOLD.
Nice![:pinkiehappy:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/pinkiehappy.png)
![:derpytongue2:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/derpytongue2.png)
![:moustache:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/moustache.png)
I think Discord would get a good laugh out of this.
Can't wait until the next chapter!
3049503
Does TD have a "Line?" Is there something that can be done, either to him or to others, that will let him snap?
Everyone has something that they will kill for.
Anyone who says they don't are either lying, or they have boring, unimportant lives that have no meaning to anyone or anything.
static.tumblr.com/52af8b9018f146d844e0b73b9a70535b/oobqdu7/YkLmmgvie/tumblr_static_loki_devious_grin_full.gif
This is going to be quite a ride.
TD has an excellent opportunity for a form of character growth now... please don't waste it.
Oh my god yes. You legitimately made me laugh, you bastard. That takes a lot.
The the alicorn princess trolls nobility? O lord this is going to be good
3049552 Of course he has a line. I'm not sure if you've read Wanderings of a Non-Brony, but in that story TD meets a minotaur who essentially wants to kill TD for sport. After a six month training period, TD kicks the ever loving crap out of his opponent and kills him. On top of that, some other beings cross his line later in the story...
So yes, he definitely has a line.
3049568 I'm curious what that means to you.
This will be fun *cackles like a witch and rubs manly palms together evilly*
3049592 Well, you said in your A/N that you hoped TD wasn't becoming too Mary Stu-ish... One of the best ways to avoid that is to have the character change a bit, instead of staying static. Static characters are boring after a while.
3049444 I think you should put that he was around the height as celestia in chapter 1, i don't think details like that should be left out. with that said, i really like this story, and i cannot wait for the mayhem to begin, TD is a powerful alicorn now and can troll canterlot nobility to his hearts content.
I can see Blueblood in the next chapter from here.
"Auntie, I... Who's this new alicorn?
_That's TD.
_WHAAAT?
_Hey Blueblood!Guess who can force you to kiss his hooves, now?"
3049592 ...YOU. YOU MAD AUTHOR YOU. XD THIS IS WONDERFUL. ALL HAIL, THE PRINCESS OF SNARK AND SARCASM.
Oh, also...
...That would have been embarassing as all hell. And I wanna see it now. XD
3049601 I thought that I did...
Huh... sho nuff. K. I added the detail.
Men I would have though in him wanting to become the Ice King and live in the bottom of the Thundra territory where nobody life, and the Windigoes can be his army, that way nobody will bother him, and we could have all the time of the world to search for a cure. If I was in the position of him I would have seclude myself and don't let anyone see me until at least I'm back to be male.
Its the perfect plan, nobody would have search for the Ice King, because he is just insane and just think in kidnap princess, it is the perfect plan
Boy, this guy can be such a jerk![:facehoof:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/facehoof.png)
3049667 Can be. Cadance called him out on it and he realized he was being whiny, so he's not totally dense and wants to improve. Besides, if you had the opportunity to troll stuck up Canterlot nobility, wouldn't you?
3049678 Heck yes
I just realised that it's not really been covered (either that or I must have missed it): Has TD's voice changed? You'd expect it to along with everything else, right?
Also, funny how Shining Armour is allowed in because he's a prince, but Blueblood isn't prese- wait, are you going to...?
You are, aren't you?![:trollestia:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/trollestia.png)
3049552
Thanks asshole, I like to be told my life is boring and meaningless.
No, just some of us aren't capable of taking the life of another. And sometimes when you cross the line you buck up and press on regardless.
if I was in this position I would work with discord and fool everyone into thinking we are going to get married.
Oooh man, whatever his personal guards will be is going to be awesome.![:trollestia:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/trollestia.png)
Guardians of the Snark?![:rainbowwild:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/rainbowwild.png)
Defenders of pessimism?
Trolls of Baltimare?
Knights of the He-Mare!
Turn TD into Gary Oak.
"CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS SARCASTIC GUARDS, YAY!"
Comedy centric stories have different rules when it comes to how Mary-Sue-ish a character can be before it begins to hurt the story.
Namely, so long as it's funny, you're pretty much in the clear.
And so far this is more than fine.
3049565![:pinkiehappy:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/pinkiehappy.png)
Funny, that's exactly the look on my face when I read that.
3049904
Don't kid yourself, everyone is capable of that the under the right (or wrong) circumstances. Some people just hesitate too long when the time comes, so they get killed first.
3049678
One word:
24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lv5f97kP3Y1r757rdo1_500.png
304960 I bet that before he knows its TD he tries "turning on the charm" to the new princess.
I know I shouldn't be thinking this but if TD is an alicorn mare does that mean he will eventually go through "heat"?![:rainbowhuh:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/rainbowhuh.png)
I'm surprised Discord wasn't around for any of this. He would've been laughing his, uh, his various Frankenstein parts off.
"Well, no one knows why this happened-"
"You forgot to put in a warning about the experimental magic- ."
"-and I doubt that we will ever know-"
"- that you planned to have turn someone into a god with."
"-but I have faith that the Elements of Harmony had a good reason for it, even if it is not immediately discernible!"
"Yeah, that's right. The non-sentient magic rocks had a plan, that's totally what happened." TD rolled his eyes.
"Stop whining TD!" Admonished Cadance. "Being turned into another species, having your gender switched and being dragged into a position of incredible responsibility is nothing to complain about!"
"The nerve!" Agreed Luna, every trace of rebellion bleached out by a millenniums' worth of lonely memories.
"What!?" Questioned the incredulous TD. "I got punted into this position just a few hours ago and I don't even get to b&^%* about it?"
Cadance glared in exasperation, "all right TD, fine, you like whining so much about it, you can be the Princess of Whining!"
"Seconded." Agreed Luna.
:"An excellent idea," beamed Celetstia.
"I'm not sure if this counts but I like this plan." Piped up Armour. "Count me in, no one steals my sisters goddess-hood and gets away scot free"
"Wha- I jus... you know what?" TD groaned, "fine. I don't care anymore, but can you at least give me back my balls?"
"Only if you're good."
Now that my, at this point obligatory, parody is out of the way; this was a good chapter, the plot continued far more tightly than last chapter, the characters were well written (not that they were not before) and I look forward to seeing the interaction of the newly royal TD and the nobility. However I would like to point out that in-universe it has only been a few hours since he was transformed, I would imagine that sooner or later he would be needing some alone time to work out where his mind is at.
Have a nice day.
EpsilonWinter
Edit: For the record, the former comment above was accidentally deleted and, barring this edit, identical to this one.
TD: Princess of Snarkiness and Sarcasism.![:rainbowwild:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/rainbowwild.png)
Lives in: Baltimare, town of stuck-ups and comedians![:derpytongue2:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/derpytongue2.png)
Favorite past time: Trolling high-up nobility (EX: blueblood)![:trollestia:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/trollestia.png)
Powers: To make anyone laugh until their lungs hurt![:rainbowlaugh:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/rainbowlaugh.png)
![:rainbowlaugh:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/rainbowlaugh.png)
![:rainbowlaugh:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/rainbowlaugh.png)
I was hoping he would be the princess of education. Could you imagine the look on Thinking Brain's face when she found out that TD was her new boss.![:moustache:](https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/moustache.png)
Wow... Is it even possible to get better?
dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/81530720/TD.jpg
Well, he took meeting with Luna far better than I expected...... darn. Didn't expect him to accept being shot down by Cadance like that so easily either.
Aww crap the next button disappeared, bring it back please.