Pinkie Pie challenges her friends to play a game in which they take turns being evil, with the rest of the players tasked to thwart the evil schemes. The stakes are high, and all of Ponyville is caught in the middle...
As most stories begin, it was an ordinary, bright, sunny day in Ponyville. A large picnic blanket was spread out on the grass in the park, and six mares plus one dragon were lazing in the warm afternoon sun after a delicious picnic lunch.
"Let's be evil!" Pinkie Pie abruptly said.
Everypony turned and stared at the pink party pony.
"As a game!" Pinkie said. "We could take turns! One of us comes up with an evil, nefarious scheme, and then everypony else has to stop her!"
The other five mares exchanged glances. "That's stupid," Rainbow Dash said.
"Why would you even think of something like that?" Twilight asked.
Pinkie shrugged. "I'm bored."
"You're bored, so you want to be evil?" Twilight retorted flatly, arching an eyebrow.
"Not FOR REAL evil!" Pinkie Pie said with an exaggerated groan. "I mean fake evil!" She paused. "Well except we'd actually have to do something kinda-for-real evil or there'd be no point to the game I mean come on, but it's not like anypony's gonna get hurt because the six of us are pretty much the strongest ponies in Equestria so there's no way five of us can't stop one of us before anypony gets hurt so it's really just a game!"
Rarity scoffed. "Puh-LEASE, dah-ling, that is simply the most ludicrous idea—"
Pinkie smiled...well, evilly...at Rarity. "I triple diamond dog dare ya!"
Rarity's head snapped around, her eyes narrowed. "I'm sorry, what was that?"
"I said I TRIPLE. DIAMOND. DOG. DARE YA!" Pinkie repeated, punctuating each word by poking Rarity's chest with a hoof.
"Ooooooooooooooooooh," Rainbow Dash and Applejack ooooooohed, impressed.
Rarity glared at Pinkie. "Oh, IT. IS. ON!"
"Seriously?" Twilight said, eyes half-lidded.
"My dear Twilight, a triple diamond dog dare simply cannot go unanswered, even for a refined mare such as myself!"
"Yeah, that's...pretty much the dariest dare a pony can dare," Applejack said.
"What are you, schoolfillies?" Twilight asked archly.
"Well, you're perfectly welcome to not play, Twilight," Rarity said, fluffing her mane. "After all, there's no possible way any of you can compete with moi."
Twilight stared at Rarity. "Um. Hello? Threw the entire town into chaos with a Want It, Need It spell here?"
Rarity rolled her eyes. "That was crazy, not evil. True evil requires poise, cunning—"
"—mismatched body parts—"
"Well I'm in," Rainbow Dash said. "I can't let anypony be more awesome than me at anything!"
Applejack sighed. "Oh, horseapples. Count me in too. Fluttershy?"
Fluttershy hid her face under her hooves. "I...I don't like evil," she whispered.
"Oh come on, Fluttershy, it's just a game!" Dash said.
"I don't like evil games," Fluttershy said.
"Well, you can always let your little henchbunny do all the work," Spike pointed out. "That rabbit is more evil than Nightmare Moon and Discord combined!"
"Angel is NOT evil!" Fluttershy shouted, wings flared. Then, she ducked her head, tucking her wings tight against her body. "He's just, um, a little high-strung sometimes, maybe?"
"Right, so Fluttershy's in too," Rainbow Dash declared.
"I never said—"
"I guess that settles it, we're all playing," Twilight said.
"But, I, um—"
"YAY!" Pinkie Pie pulled a spinner out of wherever Pinkie Pie pulls stuff, which had all of their cutie marks on it. "Let's spin this to see who gets to be evil first!"
"Um, excuse me, I—"
"Wait a minute!" Twilight said. "We need to lay down some rules first."
"Rules, shmules," Dash said.
"No, Twilight is quite correct," Rarity said. "We must agree on how far to carry the game, what constitutes a victory or a defeat, and what the prize is for the winner."
"If you'd just listen, please, I—"
"Sounds fair to me," Applejack said.
"If I could just interrupt, please—"
"Okay, how about this?" Twilight said. "First rule: we're not actually going to hurt anypony."
"Agreed," Dash nodded.
"Second rule: Anything we damage, we have to fix it ourselves, or pay to replace it."
"Sounds fair," Applejack nodded.
"—um, hello, I'm sorry, but if you'd just please—"
"Third rule: Win or lose, whichever one of us is 'evil' at the end of each round picks the next pony to be evil."
Fluttershy sighed. "I give up."
"Fourth rule: If the 'evil' pony wins her turn, her prize is anything she wants from Sugar Cube Corner, since this is Pinkie's game."
"Oooh, playing for baked goods! I'm in! I'm in!"
"Uh, sugarcube? This was YOUR idea."
"Oh yeah! But right, what Twilight said."
"One more thing," Rarity said. "In order for this to work, nopony else can be in on it. It has to seem absolutely real to everypony else, or else it's just silly."
Twilight frowned. "I don't know if I'm okay with that," she said. "I'd rather everypony be in on the game."
"Nah, Rarity's right," Dash said. "We gotta really play it up, get into it."
Applejack sighed. "Ah don't wanna make anypony mad at me..."
"Alright, how about this, then," Twilight said. "While each round is on, we keep everypony in the dark. But anypony that gets caught up in our game, after the round they were involved in is over, we have to let them in on it."
"Sounds fair," Applejack nodded.
"Yeah, everypony loves a good prank," Dash said.
"So, are we all agreed on the rules, then?" Twilight asked. When everypony nodded (except for Fluttershy, who just sighed and ducked her head), Twilight turned to Pinkie Pie. "Alright, then, go ahead and spin!"
Pinkie laid the spinner on the table and gave it a good, hard spin. The six mares leaned in close, watching the little arrow as it started to slow down...
* * * * *
Night fell over the peaceful town of Ponyville. The last light had gone dark in the last window. Everypony was snug in their beds.
Everypony, that is, save for one.
Clouds obscured the moon. Thunder rumbled.
"So, it's time..."
A flash of lightning revealed the silhouette of a cloaked mare, standing on the roof of the Ponyville town hall.
"Citizens of Ponyville...sleep well tonight, for tomorrow, you will know the EVIL of—!"
Pinkie laid the spinner on the table and gave it a good, hard spin. The six mares leaned in close, watching the little arrow as it started to slow down...
"Oh, ponyfeathers," Applejack said as it landed on her cutie mark.
"Well, AJ, looks like you're up," Rainbow Dash said, grinning. "Oh, this is gonna be hilarious."
"How's that again?" Applejack asked, glaring at Dash.
"Well, duh! How are YOU gonna pull an evil scheme on ANYPONY? There's not a dishonest bone in your whole apple-buckin' body!"
"Is that so," Applejack drawled. Her face contorted into an evil expression so chilling, Dash shuddered.
* * * * *
Night fell over the peaceful town of Ponyville. The last light had gone dark in the last window. Everypony was snug in their beds.
Everypony, that is, save for one.
Clouds obscured the moon. Thunder rumbled.
"So, it's time..."
A flash of lightning revealed the silhouette of a cloaked mare, standing on the roof of the Ponyville town hall.
"Citizens of Ponyville...sleep well tonight, for tomorrow, you will know the EVIL of—!"
Applejack paused, pulling the wide brim of her hat down over her face. "Oh, donkey dip, Ah can't rightly use mah real name for this. Ah gotta come up with a real good disguise so's Ah don't up an' shame th' Apple name."
As the first drops of rain began to fall, she muttered, "Ah also gotta figger out just whut Ah'm gonna do..."
The rain had begun pouring down by the time Applejack made it back home. As she walked in the door, sopping wet, a light came on and Apple Bloom trotted in from the direction of the little filly's room. "Applejack!" Apple Bloom said, eyes wide. "Are you just gettin' home? Why were you out so late in the rain?"
"Uh...just thinkin' some mighty long thoughts." Applejack paused. "An' whut, pray tell, are YOU doin' outta bed at this hour?"
Apple Bloom ducked her head, pawing the ground with a hoof. "Um...Ah may have kinda et one'a them green apples outta th' south field that ain't quite ripe yet, just t' see what they tasted like." Her cheeks reddened as she muttered, "It kinda gave me th' Trots."
Applejack reared, a nauseated look on her face. "Okay that's WAY more'n Ah needed t'know, little sis." She shook her head. "Y'all git on back up t'bed now, if'n yer done, uh, doin'."
As Apple Bloom slowly shuffled off to bed, Applejack stared in the direction from which she had come. Then, suddenly, a slow, twisted grin blossomed on her face.
"Th' TROTS..."
* * * * *
At lunch the next day, five mares met up at a cafe near Sugar Cube Corner. "Has anypony seen Applejack today?" Twilight asked.
"Not me," Pinkie Pie replied.
"I haven't either," Rarity put in.
"She must be off planning to be," Rainbow Dash chuckled, waving her hooves in the air dramatically, "EEEEvil."
Pinkie Pie and Rarity giggled.
Twilight frowned. "I know we all agreed to do this, but I honestly can't see Applejack doing anything bad to anypony, even if it's just a prank."
"Eh, just wait. In a couple hours, she'll come around sayin' she gives up, and it'll be somepony else's turn," Dash said, waving a hoof dismissively. She took a long gulp of her ice water.
"Oh, I don't know," Rarity said as she delicately sipped cold water from a crystal goblet, "Applejack certainly can be uncouth when she wishes to be. Which is most of the time, actually," she added.
"Um, I still think this whole thing is a silly idea, and—"
Twilight levitated her water glass and sipped from the straw for a moment. "Give Applejack some credit," Twilight said. "She may seem like a simple farm pony, but she can be pretty clever when..." She trailed off, peering oddly at her water glass. "Um...is it me, or...does the water taste a bit..."
Everypony looked at each other.
Five sets of eyes widened in horror.
Five mares dashed for the nearest bathroom, scrambling to get in. Twilight made it first, sending the others on a mad dash to find other facilities.
It wasn't easy. Every bathroom in Ponyville seemed to be occupied.
Thirty minutes later, Twilight woozily cantered out of the bathroom, only to be greeted by a frantic Spike. "Twilight!" the dragon yelled, hopping up and down in a panic. "This is terrible! The whole town's water supply is contaminated!"
"You don't say," Twilight said flatly.
"Everypony in Ponyville is coming down with the Trots!" Spike continued.
Twilight snorted. "Never would've guessed THAT," she said.
"Um...Twilight? Are you okay?" Spike asked.
"Suuure, I'm just fine, Spike. I just LOVE spreading the last seven point eight meals I ate all over Equestria." Twilight scowled. "I think we'd better head to the Ponyville reser—" She paused, eyes wide. "—restroom," she finished lamely, dashing back into the stall (to the annoyance of Bon Bon, who had just reached the door).
* * * * *
Three hours later, the five friends reconvened, looking rather worse for the wear. "This is a total disaster," Twilight said, looking around. All of Ponyville was rapidly turning into...well, you know.
"What the heck happened?" Pinkie asked, looking around. She had produced a glass of water from nowhere and was about to take a sip...
"Pinkie, NO!" Twilight shouted, yanking the water away with her magic and spilling it on the ground. "The water supply's been contaminated!"
"Oh, THAT'S what it was? I thought it was the cherry chow mein."
Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. "We need to head to the reservoir," she said. Nodding in agreement, the five mares raced across town.
* * * * *
Many other ponies had figured out the water supply was tainted, and had rushed to the reservoir to find out what was happening. A crowd had gathered around a hastily-erected but surprisingly solid four-foot-high fence which blocked access to the reservoir.
Behind the fence, a charcoal mare with a dirty white mane and tail stood on a stack of crates. A grey cloak billowed around her body; her face was covered by a black mask, and a broad-brimmed black hat sat on her head.
"Citizens of Ponyville!" she shouted; her voice carried the accent of the Manehattan upper-crust. "I have taken control of this reservoir! By now, you know what will happen if you drink the water in town! If you want the antidote, fork over fifty bits per pony! Anypony who doesn't pay up...will have the Trots forever!" With that, she reared on her hind legs and cackled madly.
Everypony gasped.
Twilight stepped forward. "Just who ARE you?" she asked.
"I am glad you asked that!" the charcoal mare said. "My name is Quick-Step!"
"Quick-Step, huh?" Twilight frowned. "Alright, Quick-Step...just you wait. We'll put a stop to your little scheme!"
"You are most certainly welcome to try!" Quick-Step replied.
Twilight looked around at her four friends, and nodded. "Come on, let's go."
* * * * *
Back at the library, Pinkie Pie put her hooves on Twilight's shoulders. "This is TERRIBLE!" she cried. "That mean jerk pony's a big mean jerk pony! What're we gonna do, Twilight?" She paused, then peered around. "Hey, shouldn't we go get Applejack?"
The other four looked around at each other, then sighed.
"DUH, Pinkie Pie," Dash snorted. "That WAS Applejack."
"Huh? No it wasn't," Pinkie said, blinking. "It was Quick-Step, remember?"
"Pinkie," Twilight explained patiently, "Quick-Step IS Applejack. She's in disguise. This whole thing with the tainted reservoir is her evil scheme."
Pinkie gasped. "No WAY! Really? Are you sure?"
"I'm pretty sure."
Pinkie blinked. "Woooooow. She's GOOD. I mean evil. I mean good at being evil?"
Dash shook her head. "Man. AJ. Who knew?"
"So, um...what do we do?" Fluttershy asked softly.
Twilight snorted. "Simple. First, I whip up an antidote. Then, we go back to the reservoir and kick her butt."
* * * * *
Two hours later, five mares stood in front of the reservoir, standing guard over a squirming canvas sack. "Everypony, listen!" Twilight said. "Wait a couple hours before you drink the town water. By then, the antidote will have neutralized the poison she put in the water."
"So what do we do with Quick-Step?" somepony asked.
"Leave her to us," Twilight replied. "We'll take her to Canterlot to face justice."
The five mares were hailed as heroes as they hauled the sack containing the evil Quick-Step to the edge of town. Once they rounded a bend and lost sight of everpony, Twilight teleported the six of them directly to Fluttershy's cottage.
"Alright, come on out," she said, untying the sack.
Applejack, still disguised as Quick-Step, shook herself down and stretched. "Hooo-EEE," she said. "Y'all sure got me good, alright."
"Applejack, what is WRONG with you?" Rainbow Dash screeched. "That was...that was...that was really sick!"
"Simmer down, Sally," Applejack said, tossing the disguise hat in the sack and producing her own hat from someplace. "Truth is, y'all didn't even need t'do anything ta th' water. Ah only had enough green apples ta give everpony th' Trots for a few hours. An' nopony got hurt. It was really just a great big prank."
"Well it WASN'T FUNNY!" Fluttershy said sternly, staring Applejack down.
Rainbow Dash suddenly let out a snicker. "Okay, it KINDA was," she said.
"Well, anyway, y'all got me, so I guess it's somepony else's turn now..."
"Wait, wait," Twilight said. "We can't even continue the game now. Remember the rules? Your little stunt affected everypony in Ponyville."
"But Ah was in disguise, Twi," Applejack pointed out. "An' y'all didn't out me. Far as anypony knows, Quick-Step was just some random nutcase. Soon as I get this crud outta mah hair, she's gone for good, an' nopony knows any diff'rent."
"Oooh, clever," Rarity said.
Twilight sighed. "Okay, so you found a way around that rule," she admitted. "Okay, so who's next?"
Applejack thought for a minute, looking around at her friends. "Okay," she said at length, "Ah choose..."
Rarity blinked. "Oh, is it...is it my turn already? Really?"
"Eeeyup," Applejack said, grinning. "Time ta put yer bits where yer mouth is, missy."
Rarity swooned. "Oh, woe is me! HowEVER can I top Applejack's BRILLIANT performance?" Her fainting couch appeared out of nowhere.
"Oh, knock it off, drama queen," Rainbow Dash snorted, blowing upwards on her mane. "Just go be evil."
Rarity stood, fixing a penetrating stare on Rainbow Dash. "Oh, I'll be evil. I'll be evil like you've never SEEN! Why, I'll be so evil, you'll simply—"
"Die of boredom?" Dash retorted.
Rarity tossed her mane huffily. "Well! Fine, then. I'm off...to be EVIL!"
"This'll be over mighty fast," Applejack said.
Rarity trotted prissily out the door. A moment later, she reappeared. "Oh, and Twilight, darling, might I borrow Spike for a bit?"
Twilight shrugged. "Suit yourself."
* * * * *
Three days passed with no sign of Rarity or Spike, nor hint of an evil scheme. The rest of the group was meeting up to discuss whether or not to declare Rarity's turn forfeit when they caught sight of something strange.
The Cutie Mark Crusaders galloped by, each hauling a small cart laden with gems.
More strangely still, each filly now had a cutie mark!
"What'n th'..." Applejack began, raising a hoof and frowning.
Twilight's brow furrowed. "Something's not right here..."
The mares followed the fillies for a bit, trying to get their attention, but to no avail. Eventually, Rainbow Dash sped far enough ahead to get a good look at the Crusaders' flanks. Her jaw dropped. "Holy hayseed! They've all got Rarity's cutie mark! Well, kinda."
Indeed, the flanks of the Crusaders bore a black, shadowy copy of Rarity's triple-gem cutie mark.
Twilight's jaw dropped. "How...?!"
Applejack's ears flattened against the sides of her head. "Whoa, nelly. Ah reckon we'd best foller 'em."
"They're probably going over to Rarity's right now," Fluttershy said.
Nodding to one another, the five mares followed the three fillies to Carousel Boutique. The Crusaders towed their wagons right into the door, but once they were inside, it slammed shut...and Spike was guarding it.
"Out of the way, Spike!" Twilight ordered.
"No can do, Twilight," the dragon replied. "Mistress Rarity says you're not on the invite list."
Twilight growled. "Spiiiiike...I hope you remember that when this is over, you have to come back to the library. And that I have ways of making your life very, very unpleasant."
Spike gulped.
"Are we on the invite list now?" Twilight asked sweetly.
"Uhhh...let me check. Uh, yeah, sure, you're good. Come on in."
"Thank you," Twilight said, tossing her mane primly as the five mares trotted through the door.
Inside, they found Rarity luxuriating atop a hoard of gemstones that would make a dragon envious. The Crusaders trotted up to Rarity's pile and added their wagonloads to it, then trotted right back out the doors, ignoring the five mares.
Applejack stomped a hoof. "Alright, Rarity, what'd y'all do ta them fillies?"
"Why do they have your cutie mark?" Rainbow Dash asked.
"HOW do they have your cutie mark?" Twilight added. "That shouldn't even be possible! Magic can't make a pony's cutie mark appear before its time!"
"And I didn't make their cutie marks appear before their time, dah-ling," Rarity said with a sultry glance at Twilight. "I just generously shared my cutie mark with those three dear little fillies!"
Rainbow Dash's jaw scraped the ground. "You can DO that?" she asked.
"I've never heard of anything like that before," Fluttershy said quietly.
"I haven't either," Twilight admitted. "But it looks to me like it's some pretty dark magic. Rarity, you...you enslaved the Crusaders!"
Rarity laughed daintly into the back of her hoof. "Ohohohoho...well, what can I say, dah-lings? I'm simply feeling...rather evil at the moment."
"Ooo-okay, Rarity, you win," Applejack said. "Go on an' change them fillies back now."
"Now whyEVER should I do THAT, dear Applejack?" Rarity said haughtily. "Why, just look at how many beautiful jewels my precious little servants have brought me!" She scooped a hoofful of sapphires and emeralds and tossed them up into the air, catching them with her magic and making them dance around the room. "With those three under my thrall, I needn't lift a hoof to harvest gems!" She threw back her head and unleashed an evil laugh that made Fluttershy shrink back against the door, shivering and hiding her face under her mane.
Twilight growled. "Come on, everypony, we're going to have to do this the hard way."
"By kicking Rarity's butt?" Rainbow asked.
Twilight shook her head. "No, Rainbow Dash. Butt-kicking isn't the answer this time. We have to remind those fillies who they really are to break Rarity's control over them."
"Oh, so it's like Discord again?" Applejack asked.
"Pretty much." With that, the five mares rushed out the door, bowling over Spike.
"We can't just kick her butt a LITTLE?" Dash whined as they left.
* * * * *
It took a while for them to find the Crusaders, who were on the verge of entering the dangerous Everfree Forest. Twilight impeded their movements with a forcefield. "Ooo...nngh...kay, girls. The rest is...up to you!"
Applejack stepped in front of her sister. "Apple Bloom! This ain't your destiny! Collectin' fancy rocks for Rarity? Is that really what you wanna do with your life? Yer a farmpony! An Apple! This...this jes' ain't you! Come back to me, little sis. Come back."
Rainbow Dash dropped in front of Scootaloo. "Hey, squirt. My number one fan wouldn't give in to this stupid plan of Rarity's so easily! Having Rarity's cutie mark isn't awesome! You want a really cool, awesome stuntpony cutie mark, like me! Following Rarity isn't your destiny! Be the radical little Scootaloo I know again!"
Pinkie Pie squatted down in front of Sweetie Belle and started barking like a dog.
The shadow cutie marks faded from the three Crusaders' flanks, leaving three very confused little fillies.
Twilight dropped her forcefield and stared at Pinkie. "Okay, HOW exactly did THAT even WORK?"
Pinkie shrugged. "I thought a really loud sudden noise might snap them out of it, so I tried it."
Everypony facefaulted.
"Wh-whut just happened?" Applebloom asked.
"Why do my hooves hurt?" Sweetie wondered.
"Come with us, we'll explain," Twilight said.
* * * * *
Rarity surveyed her former followers and let out a sigh of dismay. "Oh, very well. I suppose I lost." She smiled slyly at her friends. "But with all these wonderful jewels those three collected for me, it still feels like I won!"
Pinkie shrugged. "She's got us there. She could BUY Sugar Cube Corner with all of THIS!" She blinked, then frowned at Rarity. "Don't buy Sugar Cube Corner," she said.
"Oh, I wouldn't dream of it," Rarity said, waving a hoof airily. "I'm a dressmaker, not a pastry chef!"
"Will SOMEPONY PLEASE tell us what happened?" Apple Bloom demanded.
"Well..." Applejack said, darting her eyes around. "Y'see, we're all playin' kind of a game."
"We're taking turns coming up with evil schemes that the others have to stop," Twilight added.
"And it was Rarity's turn, so she turned you girls into her slaves and had you collecting jewels for her!" Pinkie added.
Sweetie turned to glare at Rarity. "You did that to your OWN SISTER?!" she demanded hotly.
Rarity laughed. "Ah, yes, well. I'll um, make it up to the three of you, I promise. Um...ice cream? Triple scoops? Lots of sprinkles?"
The Crusaders looked at each other and shrugged.
"Sure, that works," Scootaloo said.
"So that whole Quick-Step mess the other day, was that one of y'all?" Apple Bloom asked.
Applejack raised a hoof sheepishly. "That'd be me," she said.
"What kind of game is taking turns being evil, anyway?" Sweetie asked. "You six are the greatest, non-evilest ponies in Equestria! Why would you even DO something like this?"
"It's complicated," Twilight said.
"No it isn't," Pinkie said. "I triple diamond dog dared them to do it."
"Oooooooooo," the Crusaders ooooed.
"Well, technically she only triple diamond dog dared Rarity," Rainbow Dash said, "but the rest of us decided to go along with it."
"We're not actually going to HURT anypony," Fluttershy said. "It's really more..." She trailed off.
"Elaborate pranks," Twilight finished.
"Pranks are fun!" Scootaloo said.
"Yeah, but these pranks, I dunno," Sweetie Belle added.
"In any case, girls, I am dreadfully sorry to have caused you any distress, and I promise I will make it up to you," Rarity said.
"Aww, it's okay," Apple Bloom said. "At least now we know we can scratch 'jewel hunting' off our list!"
"We'll be back later to collect on that ice cream promise," Sweetie informed her sister. "Come on, girls, we've got Crusading to do!"
Once the three fillies left, Rarity coughed delicately. "Ahem. Alright, now that that's over with, I suppose I need to decide who's going next, hmm?"
* * * * *
"What a bunch of weirdos," Scootaloo said.
"Yeah, Ah never woulda guessed my own sister would do somethin' so...crazy."
"Well, grown-ups are ALL crazy if you ask me," Sweetie said.
A moment of silence lapsed.
"Y'all reckon we could get cutie marks in evil?" Apple Bloom asked after a while.
Rarity coughed delicately. "Ahem. Alright, now that that's over with, I suppose I need to decide who's going next, hmm?" She levitated a tiny ruby with her magic, spun it through the air, and pointed its pointy point at Rainbow Dash. "Very well then. Rainbow Dash, I choose you!"
"Al-RIGHT!" the pegasus cheered, doing a somersault in midair. "Time to show everypony how AWESOME I really am!"
"We already know how awesome you are, Rainbow Dash," Twilight said. "But can you be evil?"
Rainbow paused. "Oh yeah. Evil. Heh. Gimme a bit to come up with an awesome evil plan." With that, she flew out the window.
Rarity laughed daintily. "This should certainly be interesting."
* * * * *
"A-are you s-sure this was s-such a g-g-good idea?"
"Sure Ah'm sure. Just remember, no touchie, no smellie, no tastie."
"I'm not nearly as worried about some doofy flowers as I am about, y'know, timberwolves and manticores and stuff."
"You would be if you saw what it can do to a pony."
* * * * *
Atop a thick, broad cloud, Rainbow Dash paced fretfully.
"Oh man, what'm I gonna DO?" she wondered aloud. "I do pranks, not EVIL! And I can't top AJ's prank!"
"Hey, Rainbow Dash!" a male voice called. Thunderlane flew up to where she was pacing. "Don't forget we're supposed to do a fog drill tonight!"
"Yeah, yeah," Dash said dismissively.
As Thunderlane flew away, Dash paused in her pacing. "Fog, huh? Hmm..."
A plan slowly began to form. Dash laughed. "Aww yeah, that'll be my sweetest prank EVER! And pretty evil, too..."
* * * * *
The sun had set nearly an hour earlier; Lyra and Bon-Bon were taking a long moonlight stroll after a thoroughly relaxing spa day. "So anyway," Lyra was saying, "I tried to show Golden Harvest that new drawing I made, and she just laughed and said 'Oh, not those silly creatures of yours again.' Honestly!"
Bon-Bon shook her head. "'Honestly' is right. You and those—" She trailed off as a thick fog rolled in all around them. "What the—?!"
"Didn't the pegasi run their fog drill three nights ago?" Lyra asked. "Was another one scheduled so soon?"
"Not that I know of..."
The fog suddenly exploded with bright, multicolored lights. The two mares shrank against each other, staring around at the beautiful yet eerie sight of bright, multicolored fog surrounding them.
Then, directly ahead, a dark shape drifted out of the fog with a ghastly, echoing clatter. Two glowing red dots shone through the multihued mist.
"Wh-what's going on?" Lyra asked fearfully.
Through the brilliant fog, the shape drifted closer, close enough for the two mares to make out a heavy black cloak; the twin red points were glowering from within the cloak's hood.
Slowly, two bony hooves raised up and lowered the hood, revealing a grisly, grinning pony skull. As if by magic, a length of rope, made entirely of small bones, appeared in the pony's hooves. It made a ghastly rattle as the skeletal pony raised it overhead and began whirling the looped end...
Lyra and Bon-Bon screamed and ran for their lives.
* * * * *
Twilight's late-night studying was interrupted by loud pounding on the front door. "What the—?"
Closing her book and trotting to the door, she opened it to find Lyra and Bon-Bon on the other side. "What's wrong?" she asked. "The library's closed—"
"TWILIGHT! We need your h-help!" Lyra wailed.
"We just saw..." Bon-Bon swallowed. Her mane was standing on end, and both mares looked utterly terrified.
"What? What did you see?" Twilight asked.
"We just saw..." Bon-Bon gulped, and looked at Lyra. Clutching each other, the mares wailed in unison, "THE GRIM ROPER!!"
Twilight stared at them. "You saw WHAT?!"
"D-don't make us s-say it again," Lyra whimpered.
Twilight arched an eyebrow. "YOU two. Saw the Grim Roper. The Death of Ponies."
The mares nodded.
Twilight blew out a snort. "Don't stay so late at one of Berry Punch's parties, girls. Those drinks she serves makes ponies see all kinds of crazy stuff." With that, she closed the door and went back to her reading.
* * * * *
The following morning, Twilight set out to do her shopping, only to find Ponyville in commotion. All throughout the common streets of town, she caught snippets of conversation:
"Did you see it?"
"No, but I heard One-Trick saw it!"
"I saw it! It was horrible! So scary!"
"And that fog...that creepy fog..."
"I'm locking my foals up tight tonight!"
"We should petition the Mayor to write to the Princess!"
"No, let's ask Twilight Sparkle to write to the Princess! We'll get help faster!"
"Hey, there's Twilight Sparkle now!"
A small crowd of ponies surrounded the lavender unicorn. "Let me guess," she said. "Is this about that Grim Roper nonsense?"
Everypony nodded in unison.
Twilight sighed. "The Grim Roper doesn't exist! It's just a made-up old pony tale!"
"BUT WE SAW IT!" Lyra and Bon-Bon chorused, appearing from nowhere.
Twilight blew upwards on her bangs. "I am NOT bothering the Princess because there's absolutely nothing going on!" She galloped home in high dudgeon.
* * * * *
For the next three days, reports of glowing fog and sightings of the Grim Roper poured in from all across Ponyville. Twilight ignored it as an urban legend gone out of control. Her friends were starting to take more notice of the situation, with Pinkie thinking it was a hilarious scare that'd be perfect for Nightmare Night.
"But the weather patrol hasn't spotted any sign of this weird fog!" Twilight insisted as she met with Fluttershy one morning. "Rainbow Dash said so herself!"
Applejack trotted up to them. "Rainbow Dash said whut?" she asked.
"That the weather patrol hasn't seen that strange fog so many ponies..." Twilight trailed off. She facehoofed. "Oh, Celestia, I'm an idiot."
"Y'all don't think..."
"I think we've got an appointment with the Grim Roper," Twilight said with a smirk.
* * * * *
Zecora crept stealthily into Ponyville after dark, keen eyes searching the moonlit town for her quarry.
A thick, cold fog suddenly rolled in, surrounding her. Bright, multicolored lights shone through the fog, and a dark spectre loomed before her.
Zecora raised an eyebrow. "In my zebra heart, there is no room, to fear the spectre of ponies' doom."
From outside the fog, she heard voices.
"THERE SHE IS!"
"Why that no-good..."
"Who's that in the fog?"
"I believe it's Zecora!"
"Zecora, can you hear me?"
"Indeed I hear you, Twilight! What mischief is transpiring so late at night?"
"You're about to find out! FLUTTERSHY, NOW!"
There was a sound of hoof impacting flesh, and two pegasi tumbled to the ground in front of Zecora. The Death of Ponies clattered limply to the ground.
Pinned under Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash was laughing her sky blue plot off. "Oh man, that was awesome! How'd it take you guys so long to figure it out?"
"The Grim Roper, Rainbow Dash? REALLY?" Twilight asked archly as she stepped through the fog. She kicked the lifeless puppet. "Nice work with THIS thing, though. You sure scared the heck out of a lot of ponies!"
"Actually, it's an old Nightmare Night prop I sort of, er, borrowed from Pinkie Pie."
"STOLE from Pinkie Pie, you mean!" Pinkie said, hooves on her hips.
"Um...what can I say? It was evil?"
"Hmm...yeah, I guess. Okie-dokie then!"
"If I might interrupt for a spell," Zecora interjected, "what exactly is going on, pray tell?"
"Oh, this fog and Grim Roper thing was Rainbow Dash's evil plan," Pinkie said offhandedly.
Zecora stared at Rainbow Dash wordlessly, head tilted.
Rainbow Dash laughed and explained...
* * * * *
"Most amusing," Zecora said dryly. "Very well. Of your evil game, I will not tell. But a word of warning, if I may: tis a dangerous game you ponies play."
"We're not doing any real harm here," Twilight said. "It's all in good fun."
"Good EVIL fun!" Pinkie added.
"You're more than welcome to join in," Rarity said.
Zecora lifted a hoof to her chin. "Thank you for the offer, but I fear I must pass. It is unbecoming for a zebra to behave like an ass." With that, she trotted away.
"Boy, I'm sure glad there weren't any donkeys around to hear THAT!" Pinkie said huffily.
"Okay, Rainbow Dash," Twilight said. "You lost. So, me, Pinkie, or Fluttershy...who goes next?"
Dash sat on the ground, stroking her chin with one hoof thoughtfully...
* * * * *
A half mile away, Zecora grinned. "Such an amusingly wicked game...to not take part would be a shame..."
"Okay, Rainbow Dash," Twilight said. "You lost. So, me, Pinkie, or Fluttershy...who goes next?"
Dash sat on the ground, stroking her chin with one hoof thoughtfully...
"Eh, let Pinkie Pie go next," Dash said dismissively.
"YAY!" Pinkie cheered, bouncing in place and laughing. "EVIL PARTY!"
"Pinkie Pie! The rules?"
"Oh. Yeah. Right." Pinkie stopped bouncing. An evil grin spread across her face. "So, evil plan time...I'll think about it while I have my tenth chocolate cake of the day. Bye!"
* * * * *
It was nearly midnight. The Crusaders, wearing heavy protective suits, stood over a bubbling cauldron in the clubhouse. "How much longer?" Scootaloo hissed.
"Almost done..." Applebloom said. "But it needs to simmer for a full day."
Scootaloo groaned. "This is solame!"
"It'll give us time to work out the next phase," Sweetie Belle said.
"Which is?" Scootaloo asked.
In response, Apple Bloom spread a schematic diagram out on the floor.
The other two Crusaders stared at it, and their jaws dropped. "Ooooooooooooh."
Apple Bloom grinned. "Tomorrow night, we strike. Ponyville will never know what hit it."
The three fillies high-hoofed. "CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS EVIL MASTERMINDS, YAY!"
* * * * *
In the tallest spire of Canterlot Castle, shortly after the sun rose over Equestria, Princess Celestia sat, daintily sipping her morning tea.
A servant entered, placed a covered silver platter before her, bowed, and exited.
Celestia used her magic to remove the shining silver cover from the platter, eagerly anticipating whatever exquisite breakfast the palace chef had prepared for her this day...
Pinkie Pie erupted from the platter. "Hi~iii!" the pink mare cheered.
Celestia blinked. "Er...yes, well...good morning, Pinkie Pie. What...can I do for you?"
"Oh, I'm just here to marenap you and plunge Equestria into complete chaos," Pinkie said conversationally. "Oh, and here's your breakfast. Mmm, hay bacon strips."
The ruler of Equestria blinked audibly at her most bizarre subject. "Err...should I be concerned about you, my little pony? I wonder if perhaps I should write a letter to Twilight Sparkle and ask if you're on any...medication..."
Pinkie laughed. "Oh, silly! I don't need medicine! I'm the healthiest healthy horse in the whole wide world!" She produced a blood pressure cuff from somewhere and took her blood pressure. "See?"
"Um...that's nice, but it's not what I meant..."
"Ohhhh, you think I'm missing a few screws?" Pinkie asked dismissively. "Nah, it's not like that. I'm perfectly okie-dokie-lokie!"
"Except that you just appeared in my private breakfast nook and threatened to marenap me," Celestia pointed out.
"Oh, it's not for REAL!" Pinkie said. "It's just a game!"
Celestia blinked again. "A...game?"
"Yeah, you see, it's like this..." Pinkie suddenly whipped her head around as though worried somepony was watching them. (Which Celestia found odd; shouldn't there be a guard or two nearby...?) When Pinkie was convinced they were alone, she leaned in and whispered quietly to the Princess.
Celestia's ears pricked up. Her eyes widened.
Her lip quirked. A laugh threatened to escape her.
"Oh! I see. Very well then." She cleared her throat and placed a forehoof dramatically to her forehead. "Oh, whatever shall I do? I have been marenapped by a diabolical madmare! This is surely the end of Equestria as we know it!"
Pinkie whipped a thick fake handlebar mustache from wherever Pinkie whips stuff and stuck it under her nose. "Mwah ha ha."
* * * * *
Rarity and Twilight were eating lunch together. It seemed a peaceful day. Birds were singing, there were few clouds in the sky, young colts and fillies were laughing and playing in the streets, Spike was napping in the library...and yet Twilight couldn't help but feel that something was out of place.
"I say," Rarity remarked as she daintly wiped her mouth, "isn't it about half past noon?"
Twilight frowned. "That sounds about right."
Rarity looked up at the sky. "Then isn't the sun...sort of in the wrong place?"
Twilight glanced up and gasped. "Oh my gosh! You're right, Rarity!"
Applejack trotted up. "Hey Rarity, hey Twilight. Y'all reckon somethin's up with th' sun? I been buckin' apples all mornin' an' it's still mornin'!"
"Yes, we were just discussing that," Rarity said. "It certainly is strange."
"I should write to Princess Celestia," Twilight said, setting down her oatburger. "Though I'm sure there's nothing to worry about—"
The mares' attention was caught by the sound of thundering hooves growing closer. "TWILEY!" a stallion's voice shouted.
Twilight whirled around. "Shining Armor?" she asked.
Shining Armor skidded to a halt near their table, flanked by two of Canterlot's pegasus guards. "Twiley, I need your help!" Shining Armor said. His eyes were wide and his voice was as alarmed as Twilight could ever remember.
"What's going on?" Twilight asked. "Does it have something to do with the sun? I was just about to write the Princess a letter—"
"Princess Celestia has disappeared!" Armor blurted.
"WHAT?!" Twilight, Rarity, and Applejack gasped.
"No...it can't be..." Twilight said shakily, a quivering hoof raised before her and her lip trembling. "Princess Celestia couldn't be—"
Another pegasus guard suddenly appeared, winded, behind Shining Armor. "Sir!" he wheezed. "We've just investigated the Princess' private breakfast nook. Her breakfast tray was still there...there was a note..." He hoofed over a note to the guard captain, who examined it, eyes wide.
"Oh no..." Shining Armor said softly.
"May I see that?" Twilight asked. Nodding shakily, Shining Armor passed it over. Twilight examined it, eyes growing wider with each line:
I HAVE MARENAPPED YOUR PRINCESS. THE SUN WILL BE STUCK FOREVER. I RULE, YOU DROOL. HAHA.
"Rarity, clashing accessories are dreadful, this is a full-blown catastrophe!" Twilight said. "Do you have any suspects, any clues?"
Armor shook his head. "We've crossed off all the likely suspects. Princess Luna wouldn't do this. Discord is in Nippony. Chrysalis hasn't been heard from since the wedding. We even considered Donkey Xote as a suspect, but...it just isn't likely. We're stumped."
Twilight frowned. "Do you mind if I examine this letter? I might be able to figure out who took the Princess."
Shining Armor nodded. "I know Princess Celestia trusts you more than anypony else in Equestria, Twiley," he said. "If anypony can find her, it's you."
Twilight smiled. "Go back to Canterlot, big brother. With the Princess missing, you're needed there more now than ever."
All around the Royal Guards, ponies began whispering amongst themselves anxiously. As Shining Armor and the pegasi turned to leave, Twilight and her friends headed for the library.
In all the commotion, nopony noticed the Cutie Mark Crusaders hauling a large wagon loaded with miscellaneous junk in the direction of Sweet Apple Acres.
* * * * *
"I don't understand," Twilight said. "Who could have taken the Princess? How could this have happened so easily?"
"Get a hold of yourself, Twilight," Rarity said. "Let's examine the letter the villainous cur left, and perhaps we will discover who is behind this nefarious scheme."
Twilight took a deep breath. "Right. So—"
"Hey, what smells like cake frosting?" Spike interrupted as he ambled downstairs.
"Spike, this is no time to think about baked goods!" Twilight said. "Princess Celestia has been marenapped!"
Spike gasped. "No way!"
"Read it fer yerself," Applejack said, gesturing with a hoof to the letter lying on the table.
Spike padded over and peered down at it. His eyes widened. "Ooooh, THAT'S where the cake frosting smell is coming from!" he said.
Twilight blinked. "Huh?"
"Look, the letter," Spike said. "It smells like...hang on..." Spike took an experimental lick of one of the letters on the page. His eyes brightened. "No wonder! This letter was written with cake frosting!"
"Cake frosting?" the others echoed.
The three mares stared at one another, eyes wide.
"Hoooooly horseapples," Applejack breathed.
* * * * *
"So why did you bring me here, Pinkie Pie?" Celestia asked, taking in her surroundings.
Pinkie giggled. "Because nopony would ever ever ever EVER expect to find me on a rock farm! Or you! Or me keeping you!"
"Pinkamena? Is that you?" a stallion's voice called.
"Oh! I was wondering if anypony was home!" Pinkie said brightly.
Celestia blinked. "Surely you don't mean to say this is—"
"The farm I was foaled and raised on!" Pinkie said cheerfully. "The Pie family's been farming rocks for four generations!" She waved a hoof to the orange stallion cantering up to them. "Hi, Papa!"
"Welcome home, Pinkamena dear," Mr. Pie said. "I can't say I was expectin' a visit..." His eyes widened as he realized who stood beside his daughter. "By all that's...you're Princess Celestia!" He lowered himself into a bow, trembling.
Celestia smiled. "It's a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Pie," she said softly. "Please, rise."
Standing up, Mr. Pie began fiddling nervously with his hat. "Oh, you can just call me Clyde, Your Highness."
"Not at all, not at all...you're very welcome here, of course."
"Say Papa, where's everypony else?" Pinkie asked. "I wanted Princess Celestia to meet the whole family while she's here."
"Oh, well...your ma's up in Baltimare, helpin' out your Auntie Pot. Poor ol' Pot went and broke both her hind legs." Clyde shook his head. "She'll never be the same."
"Oooh, that's awful," Pinkie said.
"Inkamena went to market, and Blinkamena's fixin' th' barn roof," Clyde continued. "I reckon y'all might as well get on in th' house, set a spell."
"Your hospitality is greatly appreciated," Celestia said with a smile.
As the three ponies trotted toward the house, Clyde asked, "So, Pinkamena, what brings you back to th' family farm?"
"Oh, I'm just, uh...playing hooky from work," Pinkie said.
Clyde fixed a stern, disapproving gaze on her. "Now, little missy, you know we Pies don't cotton to that kind of foolishness."
Celestia coughed delicately. "I'm playing hooky too, actually," she said.
"Oh." Clyde blanched. "Uh. Well. Uh. Okay."
* * * * *
Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy had joined the others at the library. Twilight was pacing around the main room, her voice rising to a high-pitched, almost unintelligible squeak as she ranted.
"How could she? Why did she? What was she thinking?How did she? How could Pinkie..."
"We get it, Twilight, sheesh! Settle down," Dash snapped.
"Was...was this whole game just a clever ploy to arrange a coup?" Spike wondered. "Has Pinkie Pie been planning to take over Equestria all this time?"
"Oh, Spike, don't be an idjit," Applejack said. "Pinkie Pie, evil for real? That's fuller'a holes than a wormy apple."
"But HOW did she pull this off?" Rainbow Dash asked. "I mean, it doesn't make SENSE!"
"Nothing about Pinkie Pie makes sense," Spike said with a shrug.
"We need to talk to the Cakes," Twilight decided. "Maybe they know something."
* * * * *
"We don't have a clue where Pinkie went," Cup Cake said. "She just said she needed a few days off to take care of some things out of town, then she left."
"She didn't say anything at all about where she was going?"
"Nope, sorry."
Twilight sighed. "Thanks anyway."
"Is Pinkie in some kind of trouble?" Carrot Cake asked.
"We don't know yet," Applejack said. "But we gotta find that filly fast, afore things start hittin th' fan."
"Applejack!" Rainbow Dash hissed. To the Cakes, she said, "AJ's just, um...worried about um...uh..."
"Apple Bloom's birthday party!" Rarity offered quickly. "Yes, dear little Apple Bloom's birthday party. We can't very well have a birthday party in Ponyville without Pinkie Pie, now, can we?"
The Cakes seemed to relax slightly. "Well, I hope you find her before it's too late," Cup said.
"So do I," Twilight said quietly. "Come on, girls, we've got a lot of ground to cover."
* * * * *
"Pa, I got th' roof fixed," a mare's voice called from outside. "Inkie back from th' market yet? I could sure use—PINKIE! Glory be, when'd you get here?"
"Hi, Sis!" Pinkie greeted the mare who had just walked in. She had a red coat, a blunt snout, and a razor-straight white mane. "How's it go—" Pinkie abruptly gasped loudly. "BLINKIE! What happened?! You're RED!"
Blinkie stared at her sister in confusion. "Huh? I've always been red."
"But...but...I remember you being blue! And your mane wasn't white! What..."
Blinkie stared at her sister uncomprehendingly for a moment...then her eyes narrowed. "Uhh...Pinkie? I was movin' them crumbly blue rocks around th' day you left. I wasn't blue, I was dirty."
"Oooooh," Pinkie said, eyes wide.
Celestia tilted her head. "You really don't remember what your own sister looks like?" she asked Pinkie.
"Weeeeeelllll, it HAS been a long time," Pinkie said sheepishly.
Blinkie finally noticed Celestia, and gasped. "Oh my goodness...Princess Celestia..."
"It's very nice to meet you," Celestia said, smiling. "Blinkie, was it?"
"Blinkamena Darlene Pie, Your Highness," Blinkie said, bowing. "What brings you to our humble little rock farm?"
"Pinkie brings me here," Celestia said. "I'm sort of...taking a little vacation, you might say."
Blinkie...well, blinked. "On a ROCK FARM?" she asked.
"Nopony would ever expect to find a princess on a rock farm," Pinkie pointed out.
"Well...I reckon there's some truth to that."
* * * * *
Scootaloo frowned at the bizarre apparatus Apple Bloom was busily constructing. "Uhh...you SURE this thing's gonna...?"
"It'll amaze me if this thing doesn't kill us," Scootaloo muttered.
Sweetie was staring out the window. "Um...is anypony else bothered by the fact that it's still early morning outside, even though it's almost suppertime?"
The other two looked at her. "Huh?"
"I hadn't noticed," Apple Bloom said. "But now that you mention it, the sun does seem to be at the wrong angle..."
* * * * *
"Alright," Twilight said as she and her friends gathered near Fluttershy's cottage. "She isn't anywhere in Ponyville as far as we can tell, nopony's seen her all day, and it doesn't look like she went into the Everfree."
"Could she still be in Canterlot?" Fluttershy asked.
"I don't think so," Twilight said. "They'd have found her by now if she was."
"There's an awful lotta places out there besides Ponyville an' Canterlot, y'all," Applejack said, pulling the brim of her hat down over her eyes. "Ah reckon it'd take near ta a month t'search all of Equestria."
"And we have no idea where to start," Rarity added. "This...this isn't looking good."
"Yeah, Pinkie Pie may actually beat us," Rainbow Dash said. At Twilight's intense glare, she gulped and added, "Uh, and then there's the whole the sun is frozen in the sky and hundreds of ponies are gonna panic thing."
Twilight sighed. "I need to go to Canterlot and report to Shining Armor and Princess Luna. Luna will have to take over the Sun until we find Celestia so nopony will know anything's wrong. The rest of you, come up with a search plan. We've got to find Pinkie Pie and the Princess. FAST."
* * * * *
As the day wore on, Celestia met Pinkie's other sister, Inkamena Danielle Pie, and enjoyed a hearty, down-home supper with the Pie family, listening contentedly as Pinkie caught up with her father and sisters.
"I must admit I've been curious about one thing ever since we arrived here," Celestia said to Pinkie during a lull in the conversation.
"Hm? What's that?"
"Forgive me, but...why does your family farm rocks?"
Pinkie giggled. "Silly...rocks can't farm themselves, so somepony has to do it!"
Celestia found she had no response to that.
* * * * *
Twilight Sparkle found herself in the unenviable position of being the one to tell Princess Luna that her sister was missing. The entire Royal Guard, her brother included, were too terrified of Luna's wrath to break the news to her. She wisely refrained from telling Luna the truth about what was going on—if the Princess of the Night knew that Pinkie Pie had somehow abducted the most powerful pony in Equestria as part of a game, it most certainly would not end well for her playful friend.
"This is most distressing, Twilight Sparkle," Luna said, her eyes full of worry.
"I'm sorry, Princess," Twilight said, bowing her head.
"And you say you have no idea where my sister might be?"
"No, not yet. I was hoping maybe you would—"
Luna shook her head. "I cannot detect her. I am uncertain as to why." She sighed. "I will see to the rising and setting of the sun until Celestia is found. I have faith in you, that you will find my sister before something dire occurs."
Twilight bowed. "I will not fail you, Princess."
* * * * *
Celestia bunked with Pinkie Pie in her old childhood bedroom. As they settled down on a bed of cotton and straw, Celestia said, "I wonder why Twilight Sparkle and the others haven't shown up here looking for us yet. You'd think your childhood home would be one of the first places they'd look.
Pinkie gasped. "Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh! I totally never told my friends about me growing up on a rock farm!"
Celetia blinked. "Come again?"
"Ooohh...the only ponies in Ponyville who know about me growing up here are the Cutie Mark Crusaders!"
Celestia's eye twitched. "Well...then it's a good thing your family is so warm and accomodating. It seems I might be staying for a while."
Pinkie rubbed the back of her neck sheepishly. "Oops?"
* * * * *
At the stroke of midnight, an impossible machine ghosted over the sleepy town of Ponyville. It resembled several wooden crates combined with a large wooden wagon, with an intricate network of gears and belts and pins and springs and things snaking in and out of it. Two large, somewhat unwieldy wings made of old plows stuck out of its sides, flapping lightly in the night air, while a propeller made from a sawed-down old windmill turned on its front end. Inside, three fillies ran on a treadmill. Apple Bloom, at the front of the makeshift cockpit, was using a yoke chained to a bit to steer the monstrosity with her mouth.
"I can't believe...this thing...actually flies!" Scootaloo panted.
"Couldn't...you have found...a better way...to keep it in the air?" Sweetie Belle wheezed.
"Sorry...girls...this was th' best Ah could do on such short notice!" Apple Bloom replied. "Y'all git ready, y'all're gonna hafta pull on them release levers in about...NOW!"
Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle chomped down on some large, slightly rusty metal levers, and cranked them with all the strength their young jaw and neck muscles could muster. With groans of protest, the cranks turned, and several panels on the bottom of the flying machine opened. A fine mist spread out over the town below; Apple Bloom began to fly the machine in a spiral pattern.
Within twenty minutes, all of Ponyville had been sprayed.
"Okay, now we gotta land this thing in th' Everfree an' destroy it!" Apple Bloom said. "Hold on, girls, this is gonna be a rough landin'..."
The sun rose bright and clear over Ponyville. As the first rays of the morning sun filtered through her window, Cheerilee rose from her bed, stretching and yawning. She eased herself out of bed and onto her hooves...
...or tried to. She wound up landing in an ungainly heap on the floor. Her hind legs didn't seem to be cooperating this morning.
As the schoolteacher tried to assess the problem, she made a terrifying discovery:
Her hind legs were entirely missing. Moreover, the entire rear half of her body had been replaced with a huge fish tail, with shimmering scales the exact same color as her mane. The tail flapped and flopped uselessly on the floor.
She threw back her head to scream...but the only sound that came out of her mouth was:
"Shoo-be-doo, shoo shoo-be-doo!"
* * * * *
Four mares plus one dragon awoke in Fluttershy's cottage as the sun crested the morning sky. They had spent most of the night working out a search plan to find their wayward friend and the marenapped princess.
Before anypony was even fully awake, the screaming started.
"PLAID?!" Rarity screamed, examining her coat. Her pristine white fur now sported a lurid puke-green plaid pattern which, for some bizarre reason, remained fixed in place when she moved. "Oh, how GHASTLY!"
Fluttershy trotted over to Rarity. As her hooves touched the ground, they made a series of raucous farting noises. Wide-eyed, the startled and embarrassed pegasus bolted into a corner, quivering.
Rainbow Dash fell on her back laughing. "Oh man, Fluttershy! What'd you EAT?" she teased.
"Rainbow Dash, you MIGHT want to...er...that is, if you can...look in the mirror, darling," Rarity said.
"Huh? What...?" Rainbow Dash turned to face Fluttershy's mirror and flew toward it...and smashed into the wall perpendicular. "What the?"
"Turn around a bit...just...yes, like that...careful now."
At a much slower speed than she cared for, Rainbow Dash flew toward the mirror. She stared in it and gasped. "What the?!" One of her eyes drifted off to look at another wall. She let out an anguished cry. "I'M DERPED?! NOOOOOOO!!"
"Being derped isn't as bad as being plaid," Rarity muttered.
"Whut're y'all..." Applejack asked sleepily. She stared around at her friends. "Whut HAPPENED ta y'all?!" She stood up...and her rear end slammed down on the floor.
Everypony stared at her (well, Dash more or less tried to stare at her). Rarity snickered. "Oh dear. Um. Applejack, dear...you seem to have, er...put on a bit of weight, there."
"Whut're y'all talkin' about? Ah'm fit as a—" Applejack turned to look at her flank, and her eyes tripled in size.
Because her rump had quadrupled in size. "Whut the huh?!"
Spike was the last to wake up. "What's all the commotion?" he asked grumpily. Or tried to. What actually came out of his mouth was:
"skrika-skrika-SCRATCH-skrika-SCRA"
"Uhh...how's that again, sugarcube?" Applejack asked.
"skrika-skrika-SCRATCH-skrika-SCRA—skrik, skrak?"
Applejack, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, and Fluttershy stared around at each other, and at Spike. As one, they said, in a flat tone:
"Poison joke."
* * * * *
The entire town was in chaos. Everypony had been affected by the poison joke spray in some fashion. Ponies were screaming, laughing, crying, and having all sorts of reactions to the strangeness that the Crusaders' midnight caper had wrought.
As the Crusaders wandered through town, they discovered that:
• Derpy's head was upside-down. The mailmare didn't seem to actually notice. • Big Macintosh had a big frizzy afro and his hooves were backwards. • Lyra's horn had mutated into a bloated, fleshy appendage with five stubby fingers. • Time Turner's coat had turned blue, and the words "Police Public Call Box" had appeared in place of his cutie mark. • Cheerilee had turned into a Seapony. • Snowflake, the overly-muscled, tiny-winged pegasus, was now half the size of a bunny rabbit, with a tiny, high-pitched voice. • At least three ponies had turned invisible.
And far more. They could barely restrain their mirth at the chaos their prank had wrought. Once they reached their clubhouse, they lost control and exploded in laughter.
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Scootaloo screamed. "OH MY GOSH, THIS IS TOO FUNNY!"
Sweetie giggled. "Okay, I admit it, Apple Bloom. This was a great idea!" She paused. "Um, but...everypony will be okay, right?"
Apple Bloom laughed. "Course they will. Ah copied th' recipe for th' remedy th' last time this happened ta somepony, an' Ah already brewed up a big ol' mess'a it. We'll sell it ta everpony fer, hmm...oh, ten bits each?"
"Oooh, nice idea!" Scootaloo said. "We'll be RICH!"
"I don't know if profiting off a mean prank like this is such a good idea," Sweetie said, frowning.
"Course it ain't a GOOD idea," Apple Bloom said. "It's a EVIL idea. An' we're bein' evil, right?"
"Weeeelllllll..." Sweetie said. With a sigh, she nodded. "Alright. But ten bits is too much. It should be five."
"Eight."
"Six."
"Seven."
"Okay, agreed. Seven bits. Now let's git ta sellin'!"
* * * * *
"Good morning, everypony!" Celestia greeted. The Pie family gaped in shock at the sight of the ruler of Equestria standing in their kitchen, wearing a frilly apron and humming a cheerful tune as she busily directed multiple pots, pans, plates, knives, and ingredients around the room with her magic. "I hope you don't mind, I felt like being adventurous and cooking breakfast. I haven't cooked breakfast for myself or anypony else in...at least three hundred years!" She let out a delighted squeak reminiscent of her faithful student. "Fun!"
"Uh, that's, uh, right kind'a you, Your Highness," Clyde said. "We're mighty grateful."
"Yippee! Royal breakfast!" Pinkie cheered, zipping to the kitchen table.
"Wow. Being served breakfast by royalty," Inkie said. "I feel...I feel so...fancy!"
"Is it really okay for you to still be here, though?" Blinkie asked. "Um, not that you aren't welcome, you certainly are, it's just, uh..."
Celestia laughed. "My sister will raise the sun in my absence, and I expect it won't be too terribly long until Twilight Sparkle and her friends come to collect us." She eyed Pinkie. "That is, unless they have trouble remembering where their good friend Pinkie hails from."
Pinkie laughed sheepishly.
* * * * *
"I don't get it. How'd we get hit with poison joke again?" Dash asked.
"Oh...maybe it's a relapse," Fluttershy hedged.
"Fluttershy, it's been almost two years," Rarity said. "Also, we're suffering entirely different maladies than the last time."
"Maybe one of us should go see Zecora," Applejack suggested.
"Well, I am certainly NOT going to be seen in public like THIS!" Rarity huffed, tossing her mane.
"I...can't fly straight. Or even walk straight," Rainbow Dash admitted.
"Um. I, um...don't want to walk," Fluttershy said, hiding her head behind her whoopee hooves.
Applejack rolled her eyes. "Fine, Ah'll go. Uh...if Ah can stand up, that is." With difficulty, Applejack raised her massive, bulging rump off the ground and trotted toward the door. "Ah uh, might be a while," she said.
"I didn't make it back to the library yet," Spike wrote. "I'll go there now. I just thought you all should know how bad this is." He pulled out another parchment, and wrote, "Do you think Pinkie Pie is behind this, too?"
"I dunno, maybe," Rainbow Dash said. "We can't say for sure until we find her."
"She could've done this to slow us down, make it harder for us to find her," Fluttershy said.
"Anyway, Spike, go back to the library. Twilight'll know what to do."
Saluting, Spike left.
* * * * *
The instant the Twinkling Balloon docked in Ponyville, Twilight Sparkle knew something was horribly wrong. She galloped to the library and threw open the door. "SPIKE!" she yelled. "What the hay is happening?"
Spike jumped, startled, and started making noises at her that sounded like a record scratching. Then, smacking himself on the forehead, he pulled out a quill and parchment and wrote, "Poison joke. Whole town's affected. Might be Pinkie Pie. Applejack's trying to get to Zecora's, but she may not have made it yet. The poison joke made her a fatty-flank."
"Everypony else...Rarity, Rainbow Dash, the others...they're affected too?"
Spike nodded.
Twilight groaned. "I'll go find Zecora. In the meantime, I need you to do something for me..."
* * * * *
"Step right up, everpony!" Apple Bloom called from a hastily-erected stand. "We got th' cure for what ails ya right here! This here Cutie Mark Crusaders Wonder Mineral Bath'll fix all yer ails, from wonky hooves ta frizzy tails! Only seven bits per pony! First come, first serve, so get yers first!"
"Huh duh wuh nuh thuh wuh?" Aloe asked.
"Here, Ah'll show ya," Apple Bloom said. "Big Macintosh, trot on up here!"
Big Macintosh obligingly trotted up to the stage, where a large washtub sat bubbling and steaming. He gingerly stepped in, and Sweetie and Scootaloo began scrubbing him down. Almost immediately, his mane returned to normal, and he stepped out, glistening, sparkling, and with his hooves facing the right way. "Hey, Ah'm back ta normal!" he said. The crowd cheered.
"Y'all saw it right here with yer own eyes, everpony!" Apple Bloom said. "Now, we got plenty, so if'n y'all want it, it's just seven bits a bottle!"
The crowd began climbing over each other, trying to be first to buy a bottle of the miracle cure. A large sack next to the Crusaders was quickly filling with bits, and a large rack of bottled mineral bath was just as quickly emptying.
Apple Bloom laughed. "Now Ah know what makes them Flim-Flam Brothers tick."
* * * * *
Twilight found Applejack barely twenty paces into the Everfree, struggling to drag her enormous rump. "Oh, Twilight!" Applejack gasped. "Thank heavens, Ah don't reckon Ah can make it ta Zecora's in mah condition!"
"Go on back to Fluttershy's place," Twilight said. "I'll get Zecora to make a batch of antidote for this."
After ten minutes of hard galloping, Twilight reached Zecora's hut. There was a note pinned to the door.
Visitors, welcome, but I'm afraid I'm not here I am investigating a strange object that crashed very near.
There was an arrow pointing deeper into the forest. Wasting no time, Twilight sprinted off to find the zebra.
* * * * *
Once Applejack returned, Rainbow Dash and Rarity finally convinced Fluttershy to fly into Ponyville to assess the situation and make promises of a cure. It was difficult to force Fluttershy to leave the house; in addition to her farting hooves, they had discovered that every time she flapped her wings, she involuntarily said the word "booger".
"Man, that poison joke got you GOOD this time, Shy," Dash had said.
An hour passed, and everypony was discussing how Pinkie Pie had managed to disrupt the whole town with poison joke AND kidnap the Princess. Faintly, they heard the silly sound of "boogerboogerboogerboogerbooger" drawing closer.
Fluttershy trotted through the front door, her hooves farting with every step. She didn't notice. In fact, her eyes were narrowed in anger.
"Whoa, Shy, what's up?" Dash asked.
"Those. Little. TWERPS!" Fluttershy barked.
"What little twerps?" Rarity asked.
"The Cutie Mark Crusaders," Fluttershy said angrily. "THEY DID THIS!"
"Whoa, whut now?" Applejack asked.
"Those three just happen to be selling poison joke antidote in the town square," Fluttershy seethed. "AND they just HAPPEN to not have been affected by the poison joke AT ALL!"
Rarity, Applejack, and Rainbow Dash glanced at one another.
"Oh, possum poo," Applejack said.
Rarity sighed. "I suppose this is MY fault, isn't it?"
"Ya think?!" Dash retorted hotly.
"But...but...HOW did they manage such a horrific feat?" Rarity wondered.
"We'll find THAT out after we BEAT th' truth outta 'em!" Applejack said, smacking her forehooves together.
"No. For now, we'll wait for Twilight to get back with Zecora's antidote," Fluttershy said. "Then, we'll stop those girls and make them give back all the money they've swindled out of everypony."
* * * * *
"So...this is how you farm rocks, is it?" Celestia asked.
Despite Clyde's protests, Celestia had offered to help with the day's rotation chores. The four Pies plus the princess were out in the field; the chore was going far more swiftly because Celestia was doing most of the work with her magic.
"It's a right shame we can't get more unicorns t'do earth pony work," Clyde said.
"Oh, back in Ponyville, Applejack wouldn't hear of it," Pinkie said. "She only lets Twilight use her magic on the apple farm when she's too worn out to buck trees." She tilted her head upward. "Which is kinda dumb because Twilight can pick like fifteen trees clean in the time it takes AJ to buck one, but I guess it's a pride thing."
"I for one would hate to be shown up by a unicorn," Inkie said. She flinched. "Uh, no offense, Your Highness."
"None taken," Celestia said with a chuckle. "I'm not a unicorn." She stretched. "But your sister is right. If unicorns took over all the farming, it would shame the earth ponies, and earth ponies have a proud heritage of hard work. It's best for the balance of all ponies if earth ponies do what they do best the way they prefer to do it, and let unicorns use their special talents for what THEY do best."
Pinkie blinked. "But some unicorns have talents that are really earth pony-ish," she said. "I mean, Rarity's talent is gem-hunting, and that's kinda earthy, even if Rarity isn't a really earthy pony."
Celestia chuckled. "Well, yes, that's true," she admitted.
"Hey, how come you never write home and tell us about your friends, Sis?" Inkie asked.
Pinkie huffed. "I would if I had time!" she said. "You have any idea how much WORK it is bringing joy and cheer to a whole pony town? All day long it's make ponies smile, throw parties, plan parties, think of new ways to make ponies smile, bake cakes and cupcakes and muffins and pies...it's nonstop work being Ponyville's premiere party pony!"
Her sisters blinked at her. "Throwing parties is work?" Blinkie asked.
"Just being Pinkie Pie is hard work, from what I hear," Celestia said. "I've learned that your sister singlehoofedly rid Ponyville of a horrible Parasprite infestation!"
"Oooooh," Pinkie's sister said, impressed.
Pinkie shrugged. "It wasn't THAT big a deal. I knew exactly what to do after that time a swarm got loose here on the farm."
"So, now what do we do?" Celestia asked as she looked around at the cleared field.
"We go inta th' south field an' squeeze 'em," Clyde said.
"Squeeze them?" Celestia asked, blinking.
"To see if they bleed," Pinkie clarified. "If they bleed, they're not really stones, they're Gemimics."
"Gemimics eat up a good third of our rocks every season," Clyde said. "Gotta find 'em an' get rid of 'em before it's too late."
* * * * *
A half hour's trot from the hut, Twilight found Zecora...and gaped in shock at the thing the zebra was standing in front of.
"Zecora!" Twilight shouted. "What the hay IS this?"
Zecora shrugged. "I cannot identify this object, Twilight. Believe me, I have tried with all my might."
Twilight studied the pile of wrecked wood and machinery, frowning. "It's...some kind of machine," she said. "But nevermind that right now. Zecora, I need your help! All of Ponyville has been attacked by poison joke!"
"Oh dear, an outbreak of poison joke?" Zecora asked. "How terrible for the pony folk."
"So we need a huge batch of your special antidote, as quickly as possible!"
"It will take time, but not too long. If the whole town is affected, it must be extra strong." She paused. "I wonder how this could possibly be? Poison joke only grows in the Everfree."
Twilight frowned. "That reminds me. Have you seen or heard Pinkie Pie around these parts in the last day or two?"
Zecora shook her head. "Why?" She paused. "Is it related to the game? Do you believe Pinkie to be to blame?"
"We're not sure," Twilight admitted. "But we think she might have used the poison joke as a diversion. She marenapped Princess Celestia."
Zecora's eyes widened. "WHAT?!"
"I'll explain on the way to your hut."
* * * * *
"—I warned you this game would not end well," Zecora said. "Now look: a princess missing, a town under a spell."
"I know, I know, but it's PINKIE PIE," Twilight moaned. "I just...I never would have..."
Zecora frowned. "Are you positive your pink friend brought Ponyville to this sticky end?"
"I don't know," Twilight admitted. "It's just a hunch."
"In any case, let us make haste. With a whole town affected, there is little time to waste!"
* * * * *
It was late afternoon when Twilight and Zecora returned to Fluttershy's cabin. Immediately, Zecora prepared a mineral bath for the afflicted Elements. The grateful ponies eased themselves into the large bath.
"It was the Cutie Mark Crusaders," Fluttershy told Twilight as the four ponies bathed. "They're behind this poison joke. They're selling the antidote in the town square."
Twilight scowled. "Those little...we'll deal with them when you four are back on your hooves."
"That is odd," Zecora said. "My brew is correct. The poison joke's pranks should be wrecked."
Twilight's eyes widened. "Zecora, Apple Bloom's been learning a lot about potion brewing from you. Is it possible that she mixed up a poison joke potion that the normal antidote doesn't cure?"
Zecora rubbed her chin with a hoof. "I believe your theory is sound. In which case, Apple Bloom's secret must be found."
Applejack grimaced. "Or," she said distastefully, "we can just let those fillies have this one. Their cure's workin', ain't it Flutters?"
Fluttershy nodded. "The cure they're selling is most certainly curing the poison joke," she reported.
Twilight frowned. "Alright, I think we'd better go visit those fillies."
* * * * *
The sun was just beginning to set when six mares and one angry dragon approached the platform where the Cutie Mark Crusaders were just making their last sales. "APPLE BLOOM!" Applejack roared.
Apple Bloom's ears wilted. "Oops."
Fluttershy flew up to the Crusaders. "What you girls did was just...just...VERY. VERY. WRONG!"
"But...but...we was only playin' y'all's game," Apple Bloom complained.
Five of the mares twitched.
"Yeah, we just wanted our turn!" Scootaloo said.
Zecora raised an eyebrow.
Applejack ducked her head, her hat covering her ashamed eyes.
Twilight sighed. "Alright. You win. And the reward for winning is anything you want from Sugar Cube Corner, on us. BUT!" she added. "You have to give everypony back their money, or we'll tell the whole town just who's responsible for this mess in the first place."
"Awwww," the Crusaders whined.
"No arguments, girls," Rarity said. "But before that...PLEASE, for the love of Celestia, CURE ME!"
"And the rest of us," Rainbow Dash added.
"Okay," the Crusaders chorused.
"One last thing," Twilight said. "Just how DID you do this?"
Apple Bloom shared a look with the others. Then, somewhat proudly, she said, "We built a flyin' machine!"
"A flying machine? You mean like a balloon? Or an airship?" Twilight asked.
"That woulda took too long," Apple Bloom said. She pulled a blueprint out of her saddlebag and showed it to Twilight. "Here's whut we built."
Twilight's jaw gaped. "That's...that's the thing Zecora found in the Everfree Forest!"
"Uh-huh. We had to ditch it," Sweetie explained. "It was a big clue pointing right at us."
"And what, precisely, did you do," Zecora asked Apple Bloom, "to make the poison joke resist my brew?"
"Oh, that's easy," Apple Bloom said. "Ah brewed a concentrated potion that had a ingredient in it that nullified one'a th' ingredients in your mineral bath. Then Ah added a counteragent to THAT ingredient t' OUR cure bath, an' that's why ours worked an' y'all's didn't."
"How ingenious!" Rarity said. "But still very wrong."
A short while later, Rarity, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, and Spike were all back to normal. Twilight looked up at the sky and sighed. "It's almost night," she said. "We've wasted a whole day with this mess. We'll have to get an early start tomorrow on finding Pinkie Pie."
"Yeah, she could've hidden the Princess ANYWHERE by now!" Rainbow Dash complained.
The Crusaders stared up at them. "Wait, what?" Scootaloo said.
"Yeah, an' we gotta find 'em right quick," Applejack said. "Afore things get REAL ugly."
"Oh my gosh!" Sweetie said. "If we knew THAT was going on, we'd NEVER have pulled this dumb prank! Let us help you find them!"
"That's sweet, but...you girls have a LOT of refunds to issue tomorrow," Twilight reminded them.
"Awwwww...."
"Well, you'd best give these girls their treat for winning," Zecora said. "For tomorrow, your search is only beginning."
* * * * *
The Pie family and their houseguest sat around the kitchen table at supper time, utterly exhausted.
"My, that was the most exercise I've had in ages!" Celestia said cheerfully. "My entire body aches, and yet I feel...invigorated! Glorious!" She looked up at the moon. *Oh, I do hope everything is going well in Canterlot, though. As much fun as I'm having here, I hope Twilight and the others find us quickly...*
Twilight Sparkle closed her locker and cheerfully greeted the girl whose locker was next to hers. "Hi there!"
The girl stared at her. "You're...you're purple."
"Um...yes?" Twilight replied, faltering slightly.
"You're purple. And kinda fuzzy. And why do you have wings?" the other girl asked.
"Umm...well..."
"Like, Oh Em Gee, check out the FUH-REEK-show!" a girl's voice proclaimed from behind Twilight.
"Like, gag me! What is she, like, one of those like, furries or whatever?"
"Like, Ell Oh Ell! She is SO totally a furry freak!"
"Like, totally gross! Do you, like, think she, like, has sex with like, farm animals or some junk?"
"Arr Oh Eff Ell Emm Ay Oh!"
Twilight cowered against her locker, shrinking in on herself, as the crowd of popular girls closed in around her, laughing and taunting her...
**KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK *WHUMP* "OWW!"**
Twilight shot bolt upright in bed, heart pounding. "Just a dream...just a really weird, bad dream..." She frowned at the noise from downstairs. "What the hay?"
Downstairs, Twilight found her friends crowded around Derpy, who was straining under the weight of a large pink box.
"Sorry, Twilight, I forgot to deliver this yesterday," Derpy said. "I had...problems with my route."
"It's...it's okay, Derpy. Thank you. I'll just..." Using her magic, Twilight levitated the box into the library.
The others gathered around. "Whut th' heck's this?" Applejack asked.
"I don't know," Twilight said. She opened the box and levitated out five separately wrapped parcels, each labeled with a drawing of a cutie mark. A letter floated to the ground; she opened it and read.
Hi everypony! By the time you get this, you'll probably know I marenapped Princess Celestia. Don't worry, I'll take good care of her! Oh, and you have to find us. I put five clues to where I am on five bombs I planted aaaaaaaaaaaall over the world! You have until midnight Friday to find the bombs, or you lose the clues! And, y'know, stuff blows up.
Oh, and put on these outfits. Hope to see you by Saturday! Unless you don't figure out the clues or my bombs blow up or something. If you don't make it to where we are by noon Saturday, I win!
Bye-bye! Good luck! Your bestest evil friend Pinkie Pie
Twilight's left eye twitched. "What...the...f—"
"AHEM," Rarity interrupted. "So it seems Pinkie Pie has truly outdone herself."
"Wait, did she say midnight Friday?!" Rainbow Dash cried. "That's TODAY! TODAY'S Friday!"
Twilight Sparkle gasped. "Oh my gosh, you're right! That mess with the poison joke cost us a whole day and...she said they're all over the world? How the hay are we going to..." She paused. "Oh wait, there's a P.S."
P.S. Here's where the bombs are! ♥
#1: Nippony. Rarity should handle that one. #2: Mexicolt. I want Dashie to go there. #3: Hoofrica. Fluttershy's the right pony for that one. #4: Gnu Zealand. Applejack, you're up! #5: Canterlittle. That's all yours, Twilight!
Some of those are pretty big places, but I left plenty of hints laying around for you to find the bombs! - PP
Applejack heaved a sigh. "Okay, that's helpful an' all, but...how're we gonna git ta all'a them places in less than a day?"
"And find the bombs? And stop them?" Rarity added.
"We'll just have to do our best, girls." Twilight pointed a hoof at the door. "TO THE MAREPORT!"
"Wait!" Rarity said. "You forgot something!"
"What?" Twilight asked.
Rarity pointed a hoof at the parcels containing their outfits.
Twilight facehoofed. "Rarity, we don't have TIME for—!"
"It may be important," Fluttershy said quietly. "Or, um, not."
Twilight rolled her eyes. "Okay. FINE. Make it quick so we can get going!"
* * * * *
Inkie and Blinkie came downstairs to breakfast to once again find a lavish spread laid out by the ruler of Equestria.
Blinkie looked at the alicorn who was sitting in the family kitchen drinking hot tea, a worried expression on her face. "Not that we're not happy to have you and all, but...is it really okay for you to be away from Canterlot for this long?"
"I was wondering that myself," Clyde said as he entered the kitchen. "I mean no disrespect, Your Highness, but...this is all just startin' to look a mite peculiar."
Celestia sighed, setting her cup down. "Yes. Yes, I suppose it does," she said. "And I certainly cannot continue making up excuses for why I'm here."
The Pies looked at one another, confusion on their faces.
"Pinkie Pie," Celestia called, "would you please come to the kitchen?"
Pinkie bounced in a moment later. "What's up?"
"Pinkie, your family is becoming concerned as to my prolonged stay here. I believe it's time we told them...the truth."
Pinkie gasped. "Oh, I was afraid of this. I didn't want to get them involved..."
Now the Pies looked really worried. "Involved in what?" Inkie asked quietly.
Celestia took a deep breath.
"As you know from our dinnertime conversations over the last two days, Pinkie Pie is one of the current bearers of the Elements of Harmony. She has assisted in protecting all of Equestria from dangerous evil beings on several occasions.
"We have reason to believe a foreign nation—I will not say which one, because our information may be inaccurate—is going to make an attempt on my life in the near future."
The Pies gasped.
"While the Canterlot Royal Guard are certainly not inequal to the task of protecting Equestria, to say nothing of myself personally, it is unwise to expect them to be prepared for every possible contingency. And should something happen to me—and despite my great power, I am far from invincible—their task will be first and foremost to secure Equestria and its citizens.
"Therefore, I have asked the Elements of Harmony to engage in a special training operation." Celestia paused for a sip of tea. "Being the most capable, tenacious, loyal, and determined ponies under my rule, I know I can trust Pinkie Pie and her friends to do what the Guard is incapable of. Therefore, we are running through a series of scenarios in which their unique abilities might be required."
"Like a royal marenapping!" Pinkie said cheerfully.
The Pies turned that over in their heads for a long moment, heads tilted. "Hold on there a minute," Clyde said. "Am I hearin' what I think I'm hearin'?"
"I'm playing the part of a foreign terrorist!" Pinkie bubbled. "I marenapped the ruler of Equestria—not for real, it's a training exercise—and my friends have to find and rescue her!"
Pinkie's family stared hard at her, jaws agape.
"I assure you, nopony on this farm is in any real danger," Celestia said. "This is just a secret training mission. Nopony in Canterlot will ever know where I've really been this whole time, or what really happened. Once Twilight Sparkle and the others arrive, I will be out of your manes."
The Pies looked from Celestia and Pinkie to one another, back, then back again.
At length, Clyde shook his head. "Runnin' a country must be really complicated..."
"But wait, why bring her HERE then?" Inkie asked. "I mean, if you don't want anypony to know—"
"DUH, I told you two days ago, nopony in Ponyville knows I grew up on a rock farm!" Pinkie huffed. "Well, except the Cutie Mark Crusaders, but there's no way Twilight would ever ask them where I might be because who'd think they'd know anything?"
Clyde frowned. "But if your friends have had two whole days to find you...I mean, I reckon Equestria's pretty big, but if'n the Princess herself has this much faith in y'all, shouldn't they have...I dunno, been here by now?"
Pinkie looked up at the ceiling thoughtfully. "Weeeeeeellllllll...the bombs are probably slowing them down a little."
EVERYPONY stared at her.
"BOMBS?!"
* * * * *
Rarity stared at the Nipponyese writing over the door. "I certainly hope this is the place," she said.
The outfit Pinkie had left for Rarity was rather striking, and had turned more than a few heads on the airship: a sleek yellow track suit with black trim. There had also been a certain...accessory included with the outfit that left Rarity somewhat apprehensive.
Almost the instant she arrived in Nippony, she had found the clue: a fawn wearing a card around her neck that had Rarity's cutie mark painted on it. Once the little fawn had seen Rarity, she started leading her around town. Once they had arrived at their present location, the fawn had scampered.
"Alright, I'll just...slip in here, hope this is the right place, look for the bomb, stop it from exploding...a relatively simple task." Swallowing, Rarity slid open the door with her magic and entered.
She immediately came nose to nose with almost two dozen deer in black suits. At the head of the herd was a buck with large antlers, who had a black mask covering the top half of his face.
"Um...I...was just wondering..." Rarity hesitated, raising a dainty hoof, "is...is there a—"
The masked buck screamed something in Nipponyese, and suddenly the entire herd drew sharp, deadly-looking swords and pressed in on her.
Rarity reared, frightened. "I—I say now! If I'm in the wrong place, I apologize, but really, this is—"
A sleek doe darted forth and struck, slicing off a hank of Rarity's mane.
The unicorn's eyes narrowed. "Oh, it. IS. ON."
Her saddlebag opened, and the razor-sharp curved sword Pinkie had provided her with floated out. She took hold of it with her teeth and charged...
* * * * *
Rainbow Dash felt tense as she crossed the border into Mexicolt. She could feel many pairs of eyes upon her, and they weren't friendly. Idly, she scratched at the leather and metal bindings encasing her left front hoof. The red longcoat Pinkie had given her fluttered in the gentle, dusty wind.
She was half a mile into the dusty, downtrodden border town when she became acutely aware of the burros watching her.
They wore intricately threaded saddleblankets with colorful patterns, yet for all the color in them, they seemed somehow as dull and drab as the burros themselves, as colorless as the town itself. Their faces were shaded from the glaring sun by large sombreros. They had hard, cold expressions as their eyes followed her.
They had guns. Big ones.
A very small burro, similarly attired to the others but not near as cold or hard, trotted up to her. "Señora Rainbow Dash?" he asked in a thick accent.
"Uhh...yes?"
"You will come wi' me Señora," the tiny burro said. Without waiting for a reply, he trotted dutifully up the dusty street. With a cautious glance at the armed burros watching, she followed.
* * * * *
The airship came to a dead stop in midair above the lushest, greenest, densest vegetation Fluttershy had ever seen.
A deck steward approached her. "I'm afraid there is nowhere for us to dock below, miss. You'll have to proceed on your own from here. But not to worry! Rest assured we will still be here when you are ready to return."
"Th-thank you," Fluttershy said. She fished a few bits from one of the many pockets of her Daring-Do outfit for the steward, who tipped his hat.
With a deep breath, Fluttershy leapt from the deck of the airship and glided gracefully down toward the beauteous green mass of Hoofrica.
As she descended, she wondered which half of the continent Pinkie Pie's bomb was on. Hoofrica was divided into two separate nations: Zebrica and Giraffrica. She desperately hoped the bomb was in Zebrica, because she knew nothing about Giraffrica except that the native giraffes looked down on ponies.
Literally.
Gliding lower, her eyes picked out a tiny village. As she steered toward it, she felt relieved as she began to see striped forms moving about. With a hopeful smile, she descended with slightly more speed.
Five minutes later, she daintily landed in front of a zebra with a slightly glazed look in his eyes. He blinked at her, looked her up and down, then snorted. "'Sup, pizzle?" he asked.
Fluttershy swallowed. "Um. Hello. My name is Fluttershy, I'm from Equestria—"
"Fo'rizzle, pizzle? Shizzle."
"Um, yes, and I...I've come here looking for something—"
"We gotta lotta somethizzle hizzle, pizzle."
"—er, right, so I'm just wondering if—"
He held up a hoof to silence her, then gestured for her to follow. She did so dutifully, and after a few minutes, they approached another male zebra. "What up, zibba?" her guide said. "Yo, peep out this pizzle."
This new zebra looked Fluttershy up and down, then smiled. "Greetings and joyous tidings, my little pony," he said with a deep, cultured voice. "I take it you hail from Equestria, no?"
"Um, yes," Fluttershy said quietly. "My name is Fluttershy."
"I am Zemunda," the zebra said grandly. "This is my friend Zizzle. Welcome to Zebrica."
* * * * *
After seeing the others to the mareport and using her authority as Celestia's personal student to ensure they got priority airship passage, Twilight Sparkle took the train to Canterlittle.
Canterlittle was a name most ponies knew, but a place few ponies had ever visited, or even knew the location of. It was, put simply, Princess Celestia's private beach cottage: a tiny palace overlooking the sea, with a gently sloping path leading down to the private beach on one side, and a longer, less travelled path that led to a quaint little village three miles away that almost nopony even knew existed, and that Twilight herself had only ever visited once: Seapony Sands.
The trail from the train depot to Canterlittle took about a half hour to walk and wound around the edge of the cliff atop which Canterlittle was perched. Twilight, dressed in the same outfit Future Twilight had appeared in during the silly misadventure with Starswirl the Bearded's time travel spell, tried to enjoy the sounds and smells of the sea as she climbed the cliff.
When she reached Canterlittle, however, she discovered that nearly a third of the little palace was entirely missing, the insides laid bare and overrun with seagulls.
"What...what HAPPENED?" she cried. "Oh...oh no. Did...did Pinkie's bomb go off...?"
"Twilight Sparkle?" a voice called from far below, barely audible over the raucous birds and the hammering of her own heart. Looking down to the beach, she saw a Seapony with a salmon-colored coat and shimmery light blue mane and scales.
"Wavedancer?" Twilight called back. She galloped down the beach path, and in less than a minute, had skidded to a halt by the water, spraying sand around her hooves. "What the hay happened to Canterlittle?"
The Seapony shook her head, spraying Twilight with ocean drops from her mane. "It was just awful, Twilight," Wavedancer said. "A couple days ago I saw this pink pony haul a huge box into the palace, but then yesterday..." She paused.
"Yesterday...?" Twilight prompted.
"Yesterday, a terrible cyclops came along, tore apart the palace, and ran off with the box!"
Twilight gasped. "A cyclops stole Pinkie Pie's bomb?"
"Oh, is that what that box was?" Wavedancer asked. "...wait, WHAT?"
"No time to explain," Twilight said. "I need to find that cyclops."
Wavedancer flicked her tail up the coast, in the opposite direction of Seapony Sands. "She went that way."
"Thanks, Wavedancer," Twilight said. "It was good to see you again!" Before the Seapony could reply, Twilight was off and running.
* * * * *
Rarity stood in the center of a ring of carnage, mane completely in disarray, lather showing through her track suit. Her sword weaved in the air in front of her, expertly parrying clumsy strikes from the masked deer. All around her, deer lay twitching. She hadn't actually killed any of them, but she'd inflicted enough cuts to incapacitate them.
"You do well against my street soldiers," the masked buck said in stilted Equestrian, "but it was foolish of you to come here and challenge the Grazy 88."
"Look, you ruffian," she hissed, "I didn't COME here to fight the 88 whatever. All I came here for was to find a bomb and disarm it."
The buck halted mid-strike. "A bomb?" he asked.
"Yes. A pink mare placed a bomb somewhere on these premises, and I have only a few hours to—"
"BOMB!!" the masked buck yelled. Everydeer screamed and scrambled for every available exit—and made quite a few where none previously existed.
Rarity blinked. "WELL!" she huffed, tossing her mane. "That was insane and utterly pointless."
At that precise moment, her horn lit up. She allowed her magic to drag her to the storeroom at the back of the tea house, where she found a small chest full of tiny diamonds and sapphires, and one huge, clear crystal she couldn't immediately identify. "Oooooh!" she squealed. "Now where's that..."
She blinked. She hadn't noticed it at first, but the sapphires in the chest spelled out the word "BOMB".
She stood, speechless, for a long moment. Then, she shrugged. After taking care to make sure there was no actual bomb underneath the gems, she carefully packed them all back up in the chest, slipped it into her saddlebag, and left.
* * * * *
"In here Señora," the little burro said, leading her into a small, shabby church.
As they ducked inside, Rainbow Dash grimaced. "Uh, listen...I didn't get your name—?"
"I am Antonio Antonio Antonio de la Antonio del Antonio," the little burro said. "But everyburro calls me Cinco."
Rainbow Dash sweatdropped. "Err...right, uh, Cinco...listen, could you just tell me where the thing Pinkie Pie left here is so I can deal with it and go?"
"Señora Pie said you wou' be coming for the box," Cinco said, "an' she left i' here wi' mi abuela, but..."
Dash's eyes widened. "Oh my gosh...you mean I was too late?"
"Señora Pie's box, i' was taken by El Toro Con Queso," Cinco said. "He runs the local banditos." Cinco looked at Dash with sad, pleading, world-weary eyes. "Please, Señora Dash, I beg of you to stop El Toro Con Queso. We are a poor town, an' no can fight banditos."
Rainbow Dash sighed. "I should just let this Toro Queso jerk blow himself up with that bomb," she muttered, "but we might really need that clue..." She shook her head. "Okay, tell me where this Toro guy is so I can kick his butt!"
"Oh, gracias, Señora!"
* * * * *
"So, what brings you to our fair and bountiful land, Miss Fluttershy?"
"Oh, um..." Fluttershy paused. "I'm looking for something a pink mare may have left here a few days ago. I'm not sure if it's in Zebrica or Giraffrica, though."
The two zebras looked at one another.
"Fo'rizzle?" Zizzle asked. "Yeah, I seen a pink pizzle." He pointed with a hoof. "She went through the jizzle, to the wazizzle, fo'shizzle."
"Please pardon Zizzle, fair pegasus. He overindulges in a certain herb. It has somewhat addled his wits."
"Buck you, zibba."
Zemunda shook his head. "In any case, it would appear your pink friend went through the jungle, to the common watering hole we share with the giraffes, on the border of our two lands." He smiled easily. "I will guide you there."
"Oh, thank you so much!" Fluttershy said.
"It is my pleasure to assist such a fair mare," Zemunda said.
As they entered the jungle, they greeted many zebras. "Wow, no two of you talk alike," Fluttershy mused after a while.
Zemunda raised an eyebrow. "Is it not this way where you hail from, miss?"
Fluttershy blushed. "Um, well...yes, I suppose. It's just that..." She ducked her head.
"It's just what?" Zemunda asked politely.
"Oh, um..." Fluttershy looked away. "I've only ever met one zebra, so I was kind of expecting you to all talk like her."
"An understandable error of assumption, and I am in no way offended," Zemunda said amiably. "Who among our kind, pray tell, have you had the pleasure of meeting?"
"Um, Zecora," Fluttershy said.
Zemunda threw back his head and laughed. "HAHAHA! Indeed! Has she driven you and your ponykind quite mad with her incessant rhyming?"
Fluttershy winced. "Oh, um...it's not that bad," she said. "Sometimes it's rather lovely."
"She is from this very village, you know," Zemunda said.
"Really?"
"Yes." He chuckled. "She left because of a rather cruel prank some of the villagers insisted on playing on her."
Fluttershy frowned. "What...did they do?"
"They kept giving her oranges."
Fluttershy blinked. "Oranges?"
"Oranges," Zemunda repeated, nodding.
"I...don't understand. Is she...is she allergic to oranges, or does she not like them, or—"
"Miss Fluttershy, can you think of a single word that rhymes with orange?" Zemunda asked with a tilt of his head.
Fluttershy blinked. "Oh," she said softly.
* * * * *
Twilight was two miles from the ruined palace when she caught sight of the cyclops' footprints. They were huge, misshapen, and deep. They curved inward away from the beach, toward a network of limestone caves. She swallowed nervously; she'd dealt with large creatures before, certainly, but it was never a proposition she relished, and here, she was all alone, with nopony to help her.
As she trotted closer to the caves, she heard a horrendous moaning. Her hooves trembled. "Whatever's in there, I hope it isn't hungry for pony," she said quietly.
She teleported just inside one of the cave entrances, then crouched low to the ground and listened intently. Doing some quick mental calculations, she determined which direction the monstrous sound was coming from, and crept carefully closer, taking great care to do nothing whatsoever to alert the beast within to her presence. Within minutes, she knew she was just one short tunnel away from the beast's lair; indeed, there was a warm fire glowing within.
Stealthily, wishing she'd taken the time to perfect the invisibility spell she'd recently read about, she entered the warm, fire-lit cavern...
"WHO GOES THERE?!"
Twilight froze in shock.
The cyclops stood, towering over her.
She was immense, with pale skin and long, matted purple hair. She stood on two legs. She wore patched, frayed black pants and a ripped, stained white shirt, with massive gray leather boots on her enormous feet. Her huge, bloodshot eye glared down at Twilight from above a mouth that was rimmed in cake frosting and crumbs.
"Um...hello," the unicorn began nervously. "My name is Twilight Sparkle, and, um...I was just wondering..." Twilight swallowed. "Did you, by any chance, happen to find a really big pink box recently?"
The cyclops narrowed her eye dangerously. "YOU CAME TO STEAL MY CAKE!" she accused.
"What? No!" Twilight said, laughing nervously. "Well, um, that is..."
"THIS IS MY CAKE!" the cyclops roared. "I DESERVE IT AFTER WHAT THAT JERK DID TO MUH..MUH...MEEEEEEE..." she trailed off into pitiful, wracking sobs, sinking to her rump wih a thunderous crash that knocked Twilight off her hooves.
"Um...are you...okay?" Twilight asked as she righted herself.
"I'M JUST FINE!" the cyclops wailed. "JUST...JUST FUH-FUH-FINE..." She broke off, sobbing.
Twilight crept closer and sat primly before the massive, crying beast. "Tell me what happened," she said gently.
* * * * *
Dash barged into a saloon full of seedy ponies and mean burros drinking hard cider and laughing raucously at dirty jokes. At the back of the saloon sat a massive bull surrounded by gun-toting cronies and teetering stacks of cheese wheels. "HEY!" she shouted. "You El Toro Con Queso?"
The saloon went quiet as everypony looked her over. Then they all started laughing. The bull stood up, grunting and snorting steam. "Hwell, let us see," he rumbled. "I am un bull, I am having mucho queso...sí, I am El Toro Con Queso." He glared at her with beady, blood-red eyes. "And hwo are you?"
"I'm Rainbow Dash," the pegasus said, eyes narrowed in self-assurance.
The crowd in the saloon erupted into laughter.
"Rainbow Dash?" the bull sneered. "Is that it? That's the toughest name you can come up wi', chica?"
Dash glared at the obnoxious bull. "You want a tough name? Okay then. You can call me..." She thought about it for a long moment, then grinned. "Dash the Stampede!"
The crowd ooohed, impressed.
"Tha'ss a tough name, jefe," one of the burros said. "I no wan' to mess wi' her so much no more."
The bull snorted. "Hwatever. You talk tough, but you are not'ing more than a prissy leet'le pegasus."
"We'll see about that!" Dash retorted. "Give back everything you've stolen from the townsburros, or else!"
The bull laughed grandly. "Or else...hwat?"
Two minutes later, parcels of cheese, sacks of bits, miscellaneous keepsakes, splintered wood, bruised and battered outlaws, and one severely abused bull rained down on the tiny border town. The burros who lived in the town all cheered in the streets even as the massive multihued mushroom cloud slowly dissipated.
"Muchas gracias, Dash the Stampede!" Cinco said. "You have saved our village from the banditos! We are eternally grateful!"
"I just hope I didn't blow up Pinkie Pie's bomb when I rainboomed the bad guys," Dash said.
"Oh no, it is very safe right here!" Cinco said, pulling a small pink box from under his sombrero.
Rainbow Dash's jaw dropped. "WHAT?! You had it the whole time?!"
"Sí Señora," Cinco said, shuffling his hooves in the dust. "I am very sorry for lying to you, but i' was the only way to get you to help my village..."
Rainbow Dash sighed. "It's okay. Hoof it over."
Dash opened the box to find a postcard inside. On one side was the word "BOMB!" in big pink letters. On the other side was a close-up of Pinkie Pie licking a huge ice cream cone.
Dash's left eye twitched. "So...bucking...dead..."
* * * * *
"Oh my, this IS quite lovely," Fluttershy said.
The jungle path opened onto a broad lake fed by three streams, two of which formed the border between Zebrica and Giraffrica. Several zebras milled at the edge of the lake on their side, chatting and sipping water; the same was true on the giraffes' side. Some of the giraffes were chatting with zebras across the narrowest stream, and a few giraffes were plucking fruits and nuts from the highest branches of trees on their side and exchanging them for herbs and trinkets the zebras had.
"This serves as our common social gathering ground and, as you can see, an ersatz marketplace," Zemunda said. He stepped up to a knot of zebras and a lone giraffe conversing near the narrowest point of the stream. "Pardon me," he said richly, "this lovely young pegasus has come to claim the item the pink pony left here."
"Oh, has she now?" the giraffe asked, licking his lips. "And what has she to trade for it?"
Fluttershy drew back a step. "Oh. Um. I...didn't bring anything to trade."
"Well then, that's your loss," the giraffe said.
"Wait, you don't understand," Fluttershy said, trying to stand firm. "What you're holding is very dangerous."
"Oh, I should say," one of the other zebras said. Two nearby zebras snickered.
"No, you don't understand, I really, really MUST take back what Pinkie Pie left here. It's for your own—"
"DO you think us FOOLS?!" Zemunda thundered. "WE know what you have come to steal, DARING DO! YOU come to claim the ALICORN ARK, but WE—"
"Um, I don't know anything about an Alicorn Ark, and I'm not actually Daring Do, you see—"
Zemunda wasn't listening; he was on a roll. "—secrets that the Ark holds—"
"If you'd just listen, please, I—"
"—its TREMENDOUS POWER, our DARK GOD AHUIZOTL WILL RISE AND ENSLAVE THE WORLD—"
Fluttershy blew her bangs out of her face. Her eyes narrowed. She took wing.
"LISTEN, you STUPID little zebra! All this time, pretending to be my friend, just so you could lure me here and make some BIG, STUPID SPEECH that DOESN'T MEAN ONE FEATHERY THING!"
The zebras instinctively stepped away from her, and even the giraffe seemed to shrink slightly.
"I only came here to find a STUPID BOMB that my STUPID FRIEND left here as part of her STUPID GAME that I DIDN'T EVEN WANT TO PLAY IN THE FIRST PLACE, and I don't give TWO FAT SMELLY RABBIT FARTS about some RIDICULOUS ALICORN WHATEVER and I'M NOT DARING DO SHE DOESN'T REALLY EXIST AND NEITHER DOES AHUIZOTL so just GIVE ME THE STUPID BOMB ALREADY SO I CAN GET OUT OF YOUR NOT-NICE COUNTRY!"
She dropped to the ground, huffing. After several deep breaths, she added, "Um, please."
The zebras looked at one another. "But...but the holy words..." one said, producing a copy of Daring Do and the Sapphire Stone.
Fluttershy facehoofed. "It's a novel. A story. A pony who lives in Baltimare wrote it."
"And this one too?" another zebra asked, producing a different Daring Do book.
"Yes. And all the other Daring Do books. They're not real."
The zebras and the giraffe looked at one another, blinking.
One zebra, notable only for his unusual green mane and protuberant eyes, finally said, "Well they are rather cracking books."
Five minutes later, the zebras had given Fluttershy a golden box as broad in the base as a filly's wagon and twice again as deep. With a deep, steadying breath and a prayer to Celestia, she lifted the lid...
Inside, there were two pieces of paper. One was a note, the other was a photograph.
"There isn't really a bomb in here, Fluttershy. Here, have a nice picture of Manehattan! — P.P.
P.S.: Sorry about the Daring Do outfit. I couldn't find any tree costumes."
Fluttershy felt her face contort as a headache like none she had ever had pierced through her brain.
Every living thing in the jungle, including the jungle itself, seized up in panic as the normally timid little pegasus threw back her head and screamed.
* * * * *
"...and that's when he luh-luh-leeeeeeft!"
Twilight scowled. "Well he just sounds like a great big jerk," she said.
"He ih-huh-huh-iiiiiis!"
"There there, get ahold of yourself," Twilight said. She levitated a blanket from her saddlebag and offered it to the cyclops, who blew her nose with such force it nearly put out her fire. "You...you deserve better. And you'll find that special somepony someday, just wait."
The cyclops sniffled. "Th-thank yuh-you. Yuh-you're suh-such a guh-good listener."
Twilight smiled. "It was my pleasure."
The cyclops sighed. "That cake...was it really yours?"
"A friend of mine left it at Canterlittle," Twilight said. "I came here to find it."
"Oh...I'm sorry," the cyclops said. "I didn't mean to steal it, or to wreck that cute little palace...I was just so distraught, and so upset, and I smelled cake, and it smelled so good, I just..."
"It's okay," Twilight said. "Well...actually, it's not okay. I think you might've eaten a bomb."
The cyclops' eye widened. "A what?"
"A bomb. It's a long story and I don't really have time to tell it, but that cake was probably a bomb."
"Oh...oh my gosh..." The cyclops looked down at her stomach. "Now that you mention it, it DID have sort of a bomby aftertaste."
"Err...right..." Twilight shook her head. "I'm sure the Seaponies have some medicine for you. Maybe a good laxative to, you know, get it all out of your system..."
"Do you think they'll help me?" the cyclops asked.
"Sure they will! You can always call upon the Seaponies when you're in distress." Twilight smiled. "But there is one thing..."
"Anything," the cyclops said. "You've been such a help, just name it."
"Was there anything written on the box or taped to the cake or anything like that?" Twilight asked. "There was supposed to be...something, I'm not sure what."
The cyclops tilted her head upwards, scratching her chin with a thick, stubby finger. "Well..." She rummaged behind her and dug out a crumpled pink box. "I didn't SEE anything like that, but..."
Twilight took the box and examined it, frowning. "No, you're right, there's nothing..."
"Oh, but wait!" the cyclops said suddenly. "Now that I think about it, there was a really pretty, colorful, very detailed picture drawn on the icing."
"A picture?" Twilight asked, cocking her head. "Of what?"
"A farm," the cyclops said. "Rows of things growing in the dirt, a fence, cows and sheep, a big windmill...it was really detailed."
"A farm, huh?" Twilight said, frowning. "Alright. Thanks, you've been a big help. I'll tell the Seaponies to be expecting you."
The cyclops waved at Twilight as the unicorn galloped down the tunnel.
* * * * *
Shortly before midnight, four weary mares trudged into the library. Twilight was already waiting for them, drinking tea while she paced. "Oh, there you all are!" she exclaimed. She took in their weary, dirty, less-than-pristine forms and blinked. "What...what in the world happened to you girls?"
"Ugh..." Rarity moaned. "This has been, without a doubt, the worst. Day. EVER."
"Ah hear ya, Rares."
"Yeah, tell me about it," Rainbow Dash muttered. "I'm gonna KILL Pinkie Pie when we find her."
"It...couldn't have been that bad, could it?" Twilight asked, blinking.
"That's easy for you to say, darling," Rarity said. "YOU didn't get attacked by a herd of sword-swinging deer."
Everypony stared at her. "Sword-swinging deer?" Twilight asked.
"That's nothin', I had to put the smack down on a town full of burros with guns, and this one really big nasty bull that was their leader," Dash said.
"Ah had t' russle up a herd o' stampedin' roos," Applejack said. "Twern't so bad, except for th' sheep that kept tryin' ta mount me."
"Well I met a lot of very rude, mean, stupid zebras," Fluttershy put in.
Twilight looked around, ears flat. "Wow, and I thought I had it bad, having to console a cyclops with a broken heart."
"Oh, if ONLY the rest of us had it so EASY!" Rarity moaned.
"So anyway, did everypony get the job done?" Dash asked.
"I...didn't get to my bomb in time," Twilight admitted. "The cyclops ate it. But I think the clue was a farm Pinkie Pie drew on it in icing." Her ears twitched and she wrung her hooves fretfully. "I hope she's going to be okay..."
"I wouldn't worry about it," Fluttershy said kindly. "If it was anything like what I found, there was never a real bomb in the first place." She produced the letter and photograph she had found and placed them on the table.
"Yeah, that's pretty much what I found too," Dash said, sliding the postcard onto the table next to Fluttershy's picture of Manehattan.
"Well, I found this," Rarity said, placing the chest of gems on the table. "I don't know what that big one in the middle is, but there's certainly nothing ELSE in here but common diamonds and sapphires."
"Well, this was all Ah found," Applejack said, hoofing a glossy poster onto the table. "Jes' a picture'a some donkeys playin' some kinda funky music."
"HEY!" Rainbow Dash exclaimed, fluttering closer to the table and picking up the poster. "It's ASS! They're the best rock band EVER!"
"ASS sucks," Fluttershy said quietly.
Rainbow Dash rounded on her. "EXCUSE me?!" she demanded.
"Oh, um, nothing," Fluttershy whispered.
"Nooooo no, I heard you. Say it again. I dare you."
Fluttershy cringed, but quietly muttered, "ASS sucks."
"THEY. DO. NOT. SUCK!!" Rainbow Dash thundered. "Why would you even SAY that? What do you even KNOW about ASS?!"
Fluttershy took a deeeeeeeeeeeeeep breath...
"They claim to play hoofy metal but their style can barely even be called hard rock at best, their costumes and copyrighted face makeup are obvious and poorly-executed ploys to market their image, their stage theatrics are a thin smokescreen to cover up the lackluster quality of their music, and their lead singer is a conniving underhanded backstabbing self-serving opportunist who has sold out every one of his band mates for self-gain at one point or another throughout their career."
Everypony stared at her.
Rainbow Dash's ears wilted. "Oh yeah? Well, uh...okay then miss suddenly an expert on rock and roll, who do YOU listen to?"
Fluttershy looked away, bangs obscuring her eyes. "Ramstein," she said quietly.
Dash's jaw dropped.
Twilight cleared her throat. "Okay, so we have five clues. The clues and locations were numbered in the original letter from Pinkie Pie, so..." She pulled that letter from her saddlebag, examined it, then arranged the four clues in order on the table. As an afterthought, she wrote "FARM" on a scrap of parchment and added it to the end.
"So...big crystal thingie, Pinkie eating ice cream, a picture of Manehattan, a poster for THE BEST ROCK BAND EVER, and a farm," Rainbow Dash summed up, looking at the clues and frowning. "I don't get it."
"Me neither, sugarcube," Applejack said.
"Hmm..." Twilight levitated her quill and began scratching furiously on a fresh parchment. After a minute, she shook her head. "There has to be some hidden meaning to these clues," she said. "Well, except farm. I hope that one's exactly what it looks like, because I never actually saw the drawing."
"Maybe we won't need that one," Applejack suggested.
"Okay, let's start with the ones we do have." Twilight frowned. "I doubt Pinkie Pie took Princess Celestia to Manehattan, there's no way she'd be able to hide her from everypony, so..."
"Maybe that one means 'city'?" Rarity suggested.
"That makes sense," Twilight said. She laid her parchment on the table and drew four long blanks on it, then filled the third one in with "CITY". "The poster could be 'donkey', 'ASS', 'rock', 'band', 'group', 'music'..." She scratched all of those in beneath the fourth blank. "We'll come back to that later."
"The first one must be 'crystal', Fluttershy said.
"I dunno," Rainbow Dash said. "Crystal ice cream city? I don't think there's any such of a place, is there?"
"If there was an ice cream city, Spike would've moved there years ago," Twilight said drily. "Hmm..." She studied the first two clues for a long moment. "Rarity," she said, "you're absolutely sure you don't know what this big crystal is?"
"Positive," Rarity said.
"But you can identify any gemstone or precious mineral on sight," Twilight said. She lifted the irregular crystal with her magic and studied it. "Hmmm..." After a moment's thought, she brought it close to her face and gave it a tentative lick.
"Eww! Twilight!" Rainbow Dash said, pulling a face.
"It's okay, Rainbow Dash. It's just salt." Twilight's eyes gleamed. "It's salt! Girls, I just solved the riddle."
"You did? Really?" Fluttershy asked.
"Yup." Twilight grinned, and her quill hovered over the parchment...
A moment later, the other four let out a great "aaaaah" of collective understanding.
"Rest up, everypony," Twilight said. "Tomorrow morning, we're going to the Salt Lick City rock farm."
* * * * *
Pinkie and her sisters were eating breakfast when the air started to shimmer. Pinkie's mane stood on end. "Whuh-oh," she muttered.
"What's happening?" Inkie asked.
Blinkie peered outside and gasped. "There's some kind of...shimmery wall around the farm!"
A magically amplified voice shook the earth. "PINKIE PIE! WE KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE, AND WE KNOW YOU HAVE THE PRINCESS! SURRENDER PEACEFULLY OR WE'LL KICK YOUR PINK MARSHMALLOW BUTT STRAIGHT TO THE MOON!!"
Inkie blinked. "Whoa. Whoever she is, she sounds REALLY mad."
Celestia walked into the kitchen. "Is that Twilight Sparkle I hear?" she asked.
"Eeyup," Pinkie said.
"She sounds...rather upset," Celestia said.
"Eeyup."
Celestia sighed. "Well, you'd best surrender then. No matter how clever you are, Twilight Sparkle is—"
"The most powerful unicorn in Equestria, yeah," Pinkie said. She sighed. "Oh well, fun family reunion's over, time to go!"
* * * * *
The five mares circled the front of the house; Twilight's barrier ensured Pinkie would not be able to escape from the back.
Pinkie Pie and Princess Celestia trotted out of the front door. "Hi everypony!" Pinkie chirped. "Wow, it took you a really long time to find us! Were my hints that hard?"
"No, we just had...other problems," Rarity said.
"We lost an entire day to the Cutie Mark Crusaders joining the game unexpectedly," Twilight added. "Princess! Are you okay?"
"Oh, it was HORRIBLE!" Celestia moaned, swooning. "First, she blasted me with her Party Cannon! Then, using an army of Parasprites, she—"
"PARASPRITES?" Pinkie interrupted, pulling a face.
"No Parasprites?" Celestia asked. Pinkie shook her head. "Okay, what, then?"
"Um...it was...mutant cupcakes!"
"THEN, using an army of HORRIBLE MUTANT CUPCAKES, she carried me off! Off, far away from Canterlot, to—"
Twilight Sparkle stared levelly at the Princess. "She told you about the game and you decided to play along because you thought it was funny," she said flatly.
Twilight Sparkle blew upwards on her bangs. "I'm starting to see why that stupid phoenix of yours is such a turd."
Rainbow Dash exploded in laughter. "Oooooohmygosh...she...she...she said...SHE SAID TURD!!"
"Soooo what's this about the Crusaders?" Pinkie asked.
"They sprayed th' whole durn town with poison joke," Applejack said.
"Ooooh," Pinkie said, eyes wide. "That's a good prank. Wish I'd thought of it."
"I'd say your little stunt more than topped theirs," Twilight said drily. "Why'd you bring the Princess HERE of all places, anyway?"
"Because it's my home," Pinkie chirped. "I was born here."
Everypony stared at her. "On a ROCK FARM?" they shouted.
"Well, yeah! I'll have to tell you all the story some day."
"Ain't much t'tell," Clyde said as he walked up behind Pinkie. "Pinkamena was born and raised here on the farm, then one day she got her cutie mark and up an' left."
"Oh, Dad," Pinkie said, waving a hoof playfully at him. "Oh, hey! You guys need to meet my dad! And my sisters! And then we can have a victory party!"
"An' then put an end ta this ridiculous game?" Applejack asked, eyes half-lidded.
"No, silly! Fluttershy and Twilight still haven't played!"
Inkie nudged Pinkie's flank. "Game?" she asked.
"I'll explain later," Pinkie whispered.
"Wellll...a party is the LEAST you can do for all the sheer HELL you put us through," Twilight said. So yeah, okay."
After the party, Princess Celestia went back to Canterlot, and the others bid farewell to the Pie family and returned to Ponyville.
"I'm really sorry things got so crazy for you girls," Pinkie said. "I just meant for it to be a fun kind of scavenger hunt, not..." She shook her head.
"Well, I guess we can't blame you for the crazy stuff we all had to deal with," Twilight said. "I mean, you didn't plan all that, so..."
"Anyway, Fluttershy, it's your turn now!" Pinkie said.
"Umm...I pass," the timid pegasus said.
"Noooooononononono, you can't pass," Pinkie said. "Nopony else passed, so you gotta play!"
Twilight arched an eyebrow. "YOU weren't there in the labyrinth," she said.
"Or when that horrible minotaur got his hooves into her," Rarity added.
"And you didn't see what she did to that poor BEAR," Twilight added, shivering.
Everypony stared at her.
"Um, what?" Fluttershy asked, blinking.
"Nothing!" Twilight said hastily.
"Whoa, really? You all think Fluttershy can do evil?" Dash asked, impressed. "Yeah, okay, I gotta see this now."
"Oh, no, I couldn't—"
"Then it's settled. We shall await your evil plan," Rarity said.
"If you'd please just listen—"
The group continued on ahead, chatting and laughing, Fluttershy bringing up the rear.
Since Fluttershy was behind the others, nopony noticed the frown on her face, nor the way her eyes narrowed dangerously.
Pinkie Pie got a sudden shudder she couldn't explain.
* * * * *
It was late at night when Fluttershy finally got home. Her animal friends gathered around her; she was pleased to see their food and water dishes were all filled. The Cutie Mark Crusaders had taken good care of all her little friends while she was away.
Angel hopped up to her, nose twitching.
"Oh, Angel," Fluttershy said, "nopony will listen to me, everypony expects me to be part of this STUPID game of Pinkie Pie's, they all want me to do something evil, I don't WANT to be evil, I'm just so frustrated I could SCREAM..."
She drew in a deep breath and let out a squeak like a broken rubber duckie.
"Oh, this is all stupid Pinkie Pie's fault!" Fluttershy suddenly exploded. "I don't WANT to do anything evil to anypony, but Pinkie..."
She trailed off, and a truly malevolent grin broke her face.
"Angel? Round up all the critter friends. We've got work to do. EVIL work."
* * * * *
"Lalala, lalaLAlala!" Pinkie Pie sang to herself as she bounced into the kitchen for breakfast. She opened the cupboard and reached for her favorite cereal, Super Sugary Sugar Flakes.
She was halfway through pouring a bowl of Super Sugary Sugar Flakes when she realized that there was no merry tinkling sound of Super Sugary Sugar Flakes hitting the bottom of the bowl.
Because there wasn't a box of Super Sugary Sugar Flakes in her little pink hoof.
In fact, there wasn't even a box of Super Sugary Sugar Flakes in the cupboard.
Pinkie blinked. "Did I run out of Super Sugary Sugar Flakes and forget to buy more?" She tilted her head, frowning in thought. After a full minute, she brightened. "Oh well! I can just have strudel instead!"
She bounced out into the store proper, grabbing her baking apron and tying it on, and sproinged into the Cakes' baking kitchen.
"La la la, hm hm hm, let's see, I'll need flour, cream cheese, vanilla, sugar..." As she reviewed the recipe in her head, she gathered up the ingredients. She was just about to start mixing when her mind screeched to a halt with a needle-on-record sound.
"Waaaaaait a second. How could I have forgotten the sugar?"
Berating herself for being a silly pony, she trotted back over to the pantry, rummaging through it. She frowned; the sugar section in the pantry was awfully empty.
In fact, there wasn't a single bag of sugar anywhere!
She frowned, tilting her head. "Well that's just odd. This is a bakery! There should be plenty of sugar here, but—"
"Oh, hello there, Pinkie Pie!" Mrs. Cake called from the doorway. "Getting an early start?"
"We're out of sugar," Pinkie said.
Mrs. Cake blinked. "Beg pardon?"
Pinkie motioned to the gaping empty space in the pantry where the sugar was supposed to be. "Out. Of. Sugar. No sugar. Not a bag, not a box, not a cup, not a speck."
Mrs. Cake frowned. "That's odd. I just restocked the pantry two days ago, we shouldn't be out of sugar already..."
Pinkie's tummy rumbled. "And my Super Sugary Sugar Flakes were all gone, too. Even the box!" Her eyes widened. "Oh my gosh! I totally forgot about my emergency box!" She started stacking boxes to form a makeshift ladder, which she scrambled up until she had reached the ceiling. She slid open a panel on the ceiling and rummaged around inside.
"Uh, Pinkie Pie? What are you—"
"GONE!" Pinkie shouted, falling down the pile of boxes and sending them crashing to the floor with her. "My Sugar Flakes! They're GONE!" She slid across the floor on her knees, front hooves stretched upward to the sky as she threw back her head and screamed, "GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONE!!"
* * * * *
Applejack was heading out the door to start her morning chores when Granny Smith intercepted her. "Ah'm hankerin' ta make some jelly, but we ain't got no sugar. Could y'all be a dear an' go buy some?"
"Sure thing, Granny!" Applejack said. She scratched her head. "That's funny, though. Ah coulda sworn Ah seen a big ol' bag'a sugar in th' pantry just last night..."
* * * * *
"Here's your coffee, Twilight," Spike said as he handed the studious unicorn a steaming hot cup.
"Thanks, Spike." Twilight took a sip. "Ugh! Spike! You know I take it double sweet!"
"Sorry, Twilight," Spike said. "We're out of sugar." He frowned. "We're out of the good cereal too. We've only got the boring Oaty-O's."
"Well, I guess we need to go grocery shopping."
* * * * *
Applejack and Twilight met each other at the town market. "Yer out mighty early, sugarcube," Applejack said.
"We ran out of sugar, and Spike's out of his favorite cereal," Twilight said.
"Huh, that's a funny coinkidink. Granny Smith sent me out ta buy sugar. Coulda sworn we had plenty, we always keep enough around on account'a all th' bakin' we do."
"Weird," Twilight said.
At the dry goods store, they found several annoyed ponies milling around, and a harrassed-looking clerk berating a stockpony. "If you would all PLEASE just CALM DOWN!" the clerk called out in a high, nasally voice.
Twilight cantered up to him. "What's going on?" she asked.
"What's going ON? We're having a sugar crisis, that's what's going ON!" the clerk huffed.
"Sugar crisis?" Twilight asked, tilting her head. "You mean you're out of sugar?"
"Com-PLETELY!" the clerk ranted. "No white sugar, no brown sugar, no powdered sugar, no sugary cereal, no nothing! Everything with sugar in it is just GONE!"
Applejack raised an eyebrow. "Well now that's just plumb weird," she said. "We ain't got no sugar out at th' farm, Twi ain't got no sugar, an' now y'all ain't got no sugar t'sell..."
"Believe me, I wish we did," the clerk said, sniffing loudly. "EVERYpony has been in to buy sugar this morning."
"Hmm," Twilight frowned. "Well...I guess if it's a sugar crisis, the best thing we can do is hope Sugar Cube Corner can spare some..." She glanced around at the milling crowd and flattened her ears. "Oh boy."
"You said it," Applejack agreed.
* * * * *
Twilight, Applejack, and a few of the sugar-seeking ponies from the market trotted up the lane to Sugar Cube Corner, and knew something was wrong before they got within a hundred paces.
There was a line of grumpy-looking ponies stretched halfway down the road from the bakery, and a harassed-looking Pinkie Pie was standing in the doorway, her poufy mane frazzled and her smile strained.
"EVERYPONY LISTEN UP!" Pinkie yelled. "We can only sell boring old not-sweet breads and stuff today! If you came for cakes or cupcakes or tasty muffins or fritters or turnovers or strudel or anything else sweet and yummy, we can't help you! We're totally completely entirely absolutely all out of sugar!"
"How can you be out of sugar?" Bon Bon asked. "You're a cake shop, for neighing out loud!"
"YYYYEEEEEEEAAAH!" Snowflake, who was just a couple ponies behind her, bellowed.
"I don't know WHY we're out of sugar, we just ARE!" Pinkie cried. "There's no use whining about it! Mr. Cake's gone out to restock the sugar, and when he gets back we'll be able to—"
Pinkie trailed off as Mrs. Cake trotted up behind her. She blinked, turned to the older mare, and jumped two feet in the air, jaw gaping and eyes bugging out. "WHAT?!" Pinkie screamed.
Twilight and Applejack looked at one another, worried expressions on their faces.
Mrs. Cake stepped outside. "Aheh...I'm very, very sorry everypony, but...we're not opening the shop today." With that, she put out the "CLOSED" sign and shut the door.
The crowd milled around, buzzing like angry bees, before dispersing.
Twilight and Applejack trotted up to the door. Twilight hesitantly knocked.
"I'm sorry, but we're closed and that's final!" Mrs. Cake said through the door.
"It's Twilight Sparkle," Twilight said. "We just want to talk to you and Pinkie Pie."
"Oh! Twilight, dear!" Mrs. Cake said, sounding relieved as she opened the door.
"TWILIGHT!" Pinkie yelled, yanking the unicorn inside and bouncing up and down on her back. "MAKE SUGAR! USE YOUR MAGIC! MAKE MAGIC SUGAR!"
"PINKIE!" Twilight yelled, bucking; Pinkie flew off the unicorn's back and crashed into table five.
"Please?" Pinkie asked plaintively, grinning hugely and ponysqueaking.
"Sorry, Pinkie Pie, I don't have a pull-sugar-out-of-my-plot spell," Twilight deadpanned.
"Actually I was hoping it'd come out of your horn, not, not...ewww!"
Twilight rolled her eyes.
"Simmer down, sugarcube," Applejack said. "So y'all're in th' same fix as ever'pony else?" she asked Mrs. Cake.
Mrs. Cake blinked. "Oh my...you mean nopony has any sugar?"
"It's starting to look that way," Twilight said. "I mean, we haven't gone around and asked every single pony, but I have a hunch if we did, they'd all say the same thing."
"Well this is just too weird," Applejack said. "How could all the sugar in Ponyville just up'n vanish?"
Mr. Cake trotted into the serving area, looking tired. "I'm going to go talk to Filthy Rich," he said. "He has the connections to have sugar delivered from anywhere in Equestria." He grimaced. "I doubt it's going to be cheap, though."
"You'd better talk to the manager of the dry goods store first too," Twilight said. "They're as desperate for sugar as everypony else."
Mr. Cake nodded and left.
"But that still leaves us with a mystery," Twilight said after he left, pacing the room. "What could've happened to all the sugar?"
* * * * *
That evening, a freight train pulled into Ponyville station. Several burly stallions, all employees of Filthy Rich, began unloading crates marked "SUGAR" onto waiting wagons. Ponies milling around the station cheered at the arrival of the precious commodity. They followed the wagons into town, singing happy songs about cupcakes and pastries.
* * * * *
The next morning...
"NOT AGAIN!!!!"
* * * * *
That evening, a freight train pulled into Ponyville station. Several burly stallions, all employees of Filthy Rich, began unloading crates marked "SUGAR" onto waiting wagons. Ponies milling around the station cheered at the arrival of the precious commodity. They followed the wagons into town, singing happy songs about cupcakes and pastries.
* * * * *
The next morning...
"NOT AGAIN!!!!"
* * * * *
That evening, a freight train pulled into Ponyville station. Several burly stallions, all employees of Filthy Rich, began unloading crates marked "SUGAR" onto waiting wagons. Ponies milling around the station cheered at the arrival of the precious commodity. They followed the wagons into town, singing happy songs about cupcakes and pastries.
* * * * *
The next morning...
"NOT AGAIN!!!!"
* * * * *
"UGH!" Twilight groaned as she paced the library. "This. Is. RIDICULOUS!" She snorted as she began levitating several books which orbited her like wordy paper moons. "How could all the sugar in Ponyville keep disappearing day after day?!"
"Maybe it's Fluttershy," Spike said.
Twilight rolled her eyes. "Spiiike, there's no possible way Fluttershy is behind this! It's impossible for one pony, especially one as timid as Fluttershy, to—"
"Pinkie Pie kidnapped the Princess and left fake bombs all over the world," Spike pointed out.
"Well...yes, but..." Twilight frowned. "Princess Celestia was in on the kidnapping, and—"
The front door suddenly exploded inward, flying off its hinges and slamming into the "Miscellaneous General Reference D-G" section.
Pinkie Pie stormed into the library. Her coat was less vibrant, her mane was straight and limp, and her eyes blazed with fury. Her mouth was set in a frown that looked permanently etched there.
"Err...Pinkie Pie?" Twilight asked, drawing back.
Pinkie stalked up to Twilight. "Find them, Twilight," she growled. "Find whoever's taking the sugar so I can KILL THEM!"
"Uhhh, nopony's killing anypony, Pinkie," Twilight said, backing nervously away from the pink mare. "But I will figure this mess out. This...this just can't continue. Everypony's going absolutely crazy!"
"I AM NOT CRAZY!" Pinkie yelled in Twilight's ear. "I. AM. MAD!!" With that, she stormed out through the gaping hole that used to be the front door.
Spike blinked. "Whoa."
"Okay, this is getting ridiculous. Spike? Take a letter..."
* * * * *
Princess Celestia blinked in confusion at the very strange letter she had just received from her faithful student, Twilight Sparkle.
Dear Princess Celestia, I know this is going to sound very, very strange, but...could I please borrow a cup of sugar?
* * * * *
Spike salivated over the small, plain box of delicious sugar.
"Now, Spike," Twilight admonished. "We're not going to eat it. This is bait."
"I know, I know," Spike said huffily.
Twilight's horn glowed as she cast a spell on the sugar. "The next person who touches this will freeze solid, and I'll know the second the spell goes off. Then we'll have our culprit!"
Twilight placed the sugar on the highest shelf in the cupboard, then went about her business.
Shortly past midnight, she was awakened by the magical jolt that alerted her to the spell's activation. She burst out of bed and dashed downstairs into the kitchen.
There, she found a chipmunk encased in a solid block of magical ice, clutching the box of sugar in his furry little paws. Her jaw dropped.
Spike padded into the kitchen a few moments later. He espied the frozen chipmunk and folded his arms. "Told you it was Fluttershy."
* * * * *
Fluttershy was checking up on a nest of baby birds when Twilight and Pinkie trotted up to her cottage. "Took you long enough," she said with a smirk.
"Um, Fluttershy," Twilight said calmly, "Is there any possible chance you might see reason and kindly give everypony back the sugar?"
Fluttershy, hovering in midair, folded her front hooves and looked haughtily away. "Make me," she said.
"Oh, I'll MAKE you," Pinkie growled. "I'll MAKE you...and then I'll UN-MAKE YOU!"
"Pinkie Pie, stop!" Twilight snapped.
"No, Twilight, this has gone too far!" Pinkie said. "This...this MONSTER...MUST PAY!!" With that, she began grabbing random objects and throwing them at the pegasus.
Fluttershy dodged easily, glowering down at Pinkie. "I tried to tell you that I didn't want any part of your stupid little game, but you Just. Wouldn't. Listen! And now that you've REALLY PISSED ME OFF, there will never be so much as a teaspoon of sugar in Ponyville EVER. AGAIN!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! COME DOWN HERE, YOU...YOU SUGAR-RUINER!"
"Sugar-ruiner?" Twilight asked.
"SHE RUINED SUGAR!" Pinkie screamed.
"Maybe I did ruin sugar," Fluttershy said, "but YOU ruined—"
Without warning, a grey torpedo slammed into Fluttershy, knocking her out of the air. A massive cloud of dust obscured her as she crashed into the ground.
When the cloud thinned, Twilight stared, slack-jawed, at the sight of the local mailmare pounding the living crap out of Fluttershy.
"YOU! RUINED! MUFFINS!" Derpy screamed as she tore into Fluttershy.
"Ack! Help, please!" Fluttershy cried.
"Okay, that is ENOUGH!" Twilight bellowed. Her horn lit up like the sun as she forcibly separated everypony and held them apart, suspended in bubbles of magic. "Pinkie, just tell Fluttershy she wins so she'll give everypony back their sugar. Derpy, muffins aren't worth killing somepony over. Fluttershy, apologize to Pinkie for making this personal."
A few minutes later, everypony had more or less settled down, and Twilight had released them. "Now, Fluttershy," Twilight said calmly, "where are your critter friends hiding the sugar?"
"Oh, well, um...they're not exactly hiding it..."
Twilight's ears flattened. "They didn't just eat it all, did they?"
"Oh goodness, no!" Fluttershy said. "That much sugar is really bad for cute little forest creatures."
"Sooo...what happened to the sugar?" Twilight asked, tilting her head.
A loud buzzing filled the air as a solid stream of fuzzy, multicolored evil passed overhead from the direction of the Everfree Forest, heading straight for Ponyville.
"I gave it to them," Fluttershy said, grinning weakly.
Twilight stared at her in disbelief.
Pinkie let out an irritated sigh. "Great. Time to find a whole bunch of musical instruments really, really fast..."
* * * * *
By evening, the Parasprite swarm had been driven out of town without causing much damage, and a shipment of sweet, sweet sugar had finally reached Ponyville. The sun set on ponies celebrating the return of delicious sugary goodness.
"Pour! Some! Sugar on me!" Pinkie Pie sang as she danced through the streets, giving herself a sugar shower.
"Well, I'm glad THAT'S over," Twilight said as she closed down the library for the night.
"Uhh...Twilight?" Spike said. "You do realize it's your turn now, right?"
Twilight examined her checklist of evil and began chewing on her bottom lip. "It all sounds good on paper, but...I don't know if I can pull this off..."
"Oh, I can help you pull off whatever you need," a voice said from behind her. "Or maybe I'm just pulling your leg..." Twilight's left hind leg suddenly popped off and began dancing around the room on its own. Staggering to keep herself upright, she closed her eyes and hissed slowly.
"Put that back right now, Discord," she snapped.
Her leg reattached itself, and she whirled to face the draconequus who floated in midair. "Oh, I'm dreadfully sorry, Twilight Sparkle," the living essence of Chaos said. "I simply couldn't resist such a perfect set-up..."
"WHY are you here?" Twilight asked.
Discord recoiled. "I'm simply stopping by to borrow a book," he said, plucking a book off a high shelf. "I'll be out of your mane in two shakes."
As though a switch had flicked on in Twilight's brain, she made a rare impulsive decision. A slow smile crossed her face. "Actually...I need to borrow something too."
Discord blinked. Before he knew what was happening, Twilight Sparkle had suddenly launched herself at him, goring him with her horn. His eyes widened as his body spasmed. "What...are you doing?!" he asked. The color drained from Discord's snaggly, mismatched face as he sank to the ground, shivering. "I...I can't...move..."
Twilight's eyes shone with an unholy light, and she grinned. "Oh yes...that's exactly what I needed."
She disappeared in a burst of light.
* * * * *
Twilight Sparkle appeared upside-down in midair above Fluttershy's bed. Her eyes cast a blood-red glow upon the sleeping pegasus. "Sorry about this, Fluttershy," she whispered, "but I need a diversion while I set my evil plans into motion." Her horn glowed brightly, and a warbling pinkish-red burst of heart-shaped magic dripped from her horn like viscous ooze, engulfing Fluttershy and sinking into her very skin.
Satisfied, Twilight vanished.
* * * * *
Twilight appeared at the gates of Tartarus. Rubbing her hooves together, she opened the massive, magically-sealed wrought-iron gates. The beasts of hell gathered at the gates, pushing, shoving, and struggling to be the first to emerge into Equestria, but Twilight effortlessly held them at bay. "Now now," she said. "I only need..." she pushed Cerberus and Medusa to the side, and made a come-hither gesture at the creatures visible behind them. "You guys. Come on out. The rest of you suck." She laughed at her own little joke.
The gates of Tartarus slammed shut and locked again, and Twilight Sparkle returned to Ponyville, trailed by several inky, shadowy creatures with bulbous black eyes and rows of long, slender spines stretching from the tops of their heads to the bases of their backs. They walked on two legs and had thick claws on each toe. They made low, strange chittering and clicking noises as their heads swung to and fro.
"Try not to let anypony see you," she ordered the creatures in a quiet voice. "And don't kill anypony. If you do, you'll answer to me." As if to make her point, she aimed a blast of magic at a nearby tree. It melted into a pile of charred, smoldering slag. "Got it?"
Her new minions nodded vigorously, chittering wildly.
"Good," Twilight said, vanishing. The creatures conferred amongst themselves before melting into the darkness.
* * * * *
At sunrise, four mares met up in Fluttershy's garden. The night before, Twilight's friends had agreed to meet at the pegasus' cottage to discuss contingency plans, because they knew that if Twilight came up with a legitimate evil plan, defeating her would take all of their skill, cunning, and talent.
Fluttershy's door opened and Angel peeked out. Twitching his ears, he gestured for the others to enter.
"Good morning, Fluttershy dah-ling!" Rarity called out as the four ponies filed into the cottage.
Exactly 76 seconds later, the early morning silence was split by four squeals of delight, and one panicked shriek of terror. Angel cocked his head and stared as Fluttershy bolted out of the cottage at full speed, followed by her friends.
"Come back!" Rainbow Dash cried. "I just wanna love you!"
"I want you!" Pinkie Pie yelled.
"Ah NEED you!" Applejack called.
"I REALLY like your mane!" Rarity declared.
* * * * *
Iron Will flexed in his mirror. "Another day to be the best I can be! Hoo! Hah! OH YEAH! Iron Will, you are one BAD hunk of minotaur!" He straightened his tie and walked out the door, adjusting his earpiece. "Mic check!" he called.
There was no response.
He frowned. "Iron Will said mic check!" When there was still no response, he removed his earpiece, examining it. "Is Iron Will's earpiece broken? Iron Will hopes not...Iron Will's warranty just ran out..."
He heard a weak, faint bleating. Ambling out to the pens where his henchgoats lived, he discovered they were all lying in the grass, bleating sickly. Half of them were barely conscious.
"What happened here?" Iron Will wondered. As he bent to examine one of his henchgoats, he found the goat's coat slick with blood, flowing from a deep puncture wound. The goat was very pale.
Another of the goats bleated for attention, gesturing Iron Will over. The minotaur leaned down close to the goat, who whispered something before fainting.
Iron Will blinked. "Chew puck what now?"
Then he saw them, just outside the goat pen's barbed wire, leering at him, their bulbous black eyes shining in the early morning light. The long, narrow spines on their backs flexed up and down as they loped along the fence line with a disturbingly unnatural gait.
Iron Will's horns drooped. "Oh."
* * * * *
Twilight hummed a happy little tune to herself as she weaved between the headstones at Ponyville's Wagon Wheel Cemetery. Trails of warbling pinkish-red magic spilled from her horn as she walked, soaking into the earthen graves of departed ponies.
She giggled happily as she wove complex, intricate, disturbing evil magicks that would qualify her for a permanent stay at the Manehattan Asylum for Criminally Insane Ponies. "Oh, this is going to be FUN!" she squeed.
* * * * *
Fluttershy's heart pounded against her ribs as she ran for her life, her friends hot on her hooves. "What...what's happened to you girls?" she panted. "Why are you..."
Pinkie Pie suddenly appeared right in front of her. With a smile, the pink party pony pulled out a very large, very inappropriate...er...toy, and ponysqueaked suggestively.
Fluttershy screamed and shot straight into the air, flying harder than she had ever flown in her life.
* * * * *
Cranky Doodle Donkey whistled merrily to himself as he watered the petunias. Matilda was inside, baking a pumpkin pie. It had taken a while, but she had finally agreed to move in with him. They had even discussed marriage, though they lamented too much time had passed for them to have children.
The scent of delicious baking pumpkin wafted through the kitchen window. "Mmm," he said as he trimmed the ligustrums next to the window. "That's the best-smellin' pie I've ever smelled."
"Oh, I can't take all the credit," Matilda said. "I've been friends with Mulia Milds for a long time, I've picked up some pointers from her."
"Is that so?" Doodle asked. "Well then, I—"
Something leapt out from behind the ligustrum bush and attacked him. He barely had time to let out a terrified scream. His golden toupe flew into the air, catching in the bush he'd been tending.
Matilda leaned out the window, saw him lying on the ground, and gasped. "Doodle? Oh my stars, Doodle!"
* * * * *
Fluttershy bolted through the door to the library and slammed it shut behind her. "TWILIGHT!" she cried. "Everypony's gone crazy! Help me!"
There was a faint groan from the back of the central stacks. "Fluttershy?"
That wasn't Twilight Sparkle's voice. Or Spike's. Fluttershy blinked. "Discord?"
"Over...ngh...here..."
Fluttershy found Discord lying on the floor at the back of the library, pale and weak. Behind her, the clamor of ponies at the library door grew in volume, and a loud THUD shook the mighty oak as the door shuddered in its frame. "Discord! You poor thing...what happened to you?"
Discord looked up at her with bloodshot eyes. "Twilight Sparkle...stole my powers. So weak..."
Fluttershy gasped. "She did WHAT?!"
The library shook violently. The door splintered. Fluttershy cowered.
"She's in there!"
"She's mine!"
"No, she's mine!"
"I called dibs first!"
"I'll pay a thousand bits to every pony who gets out of my way!"
Fluttershy's ears flattened against the sides of her head.
Discord raised an eyebrow. "My, it certainly...*cough* seems like everypony wants a piece of you..."
Fluttershy's wings flared. "Wait a minute...I've seen this before..."
A memory from several days earlier filtered into her mind:
"Um. Hello? Threw the entire town into chaos with a Want It, Need It spell here?"
Her eyes narrowed. "Oh you have GOT to be KIDDING ME!!
Then the door exploded, and all she could think about was running for her life.
* * * * *
For the rest of the day, half of Ponyville was obsessed with getting their hooves on Fluttershy, and the other half was distracted by the increasing number of random chupacabra attacks and sightings. Everypony who was still conscious and/or sane tried to find Twilight Sparkle, to no avail. Those who were most likely to know what was actually going on were either running in fear for their lives and/or purity, or too obsession-crazed to care.
As the sun set, a chill mist filled the streets of Ponyville. The mist seemed to remove the crazy from everypony chasing Fluttershy, as the Want-It Need-It Spell wore off on its own. Once she realized she was safe, she returned home, her friends joining her.
"Ah'm right sorry about, uh...you know," Applejack said to Fluttershy.
"Yeah, I don't know WHAT got into me," Rainbow Dash said.
"Twilight Sparkle got into you. All of you," Fluttershy said.
"Really? What, did she turn herself into a stallion?" Pinkie asked.
Everypony stared at her.
"What?"
"ANYhoo," Rainbow Dash said loudly, "what's this about Twilight?"
"She cast her Want-It Need-It spell on me to make everypony crazy," Fluttershy said, anger in her voice.
"Whoa. That's mighty low," Applejack said.
"But...it's over now, right? So that's her whole evil plan?" Pinkie asked. "Because that's kind of sad."
"No, the spell was definitely just a distraction," Fluttershy said. "Whatever she's doing, it's big. She drained Discord's powers."
Silence for several seconds.
"SHE WHAT?!"
And then suddenly the five of them weren't in Fluttershy's cottage anymore. They found themselves standing in the middle of the large, open valley where they often had picnics. All of Ponyville was there with them, all just as confused at suddenly being somewhere they weren't just seconds ago.
A chorus of low, rattling moans filled the night. Shapes appeared in the mist, surrounding the crowd of ponies.
Right in front of the five Element-bearers, Twilight Sparkle appeared. She had...changed. Her eyes were solid yellow and slitted, her face was almost skeletal. Her mane had been restyled, twisted into wavy, oiled curls. She wore a red leather jacket, as well as one sequin-spangled white horseshoe on her right front hoof.
"I'm so glad everypony could make it," she said, her voice echoing with power. "I have a VERY special evening planned for all of Ponyville!"
"What's your game, Twilight?" Rainbow Dash challenged, pawing the ground and snorting.
"I'm so glad you asked, Rainbow Dash!"
The shapes in the mist drew nearer, and several ponies screamed. The silvery moonlight shone upon the ashy, rotting faces of a veritable army of zombie ponies. The zombies lurched closer to the crowd, ending any hope of escape.
Applejack recoiled. "Okay, this is just sick, Twi."
Rainbow Dash's jaw dropped. "You have GOT to be kidding me."
Fluttershy fainted.
"How do you like my zombie legions, everypony?" Twilight asked conversationally. "Now, let me explain the wonderful fun we're all about to have!"
"Hey! Having our brains eaten by zombies doesn't sound like fun!" Pinkie protested.
"My zombies aren't here to eat your brains," Twilight said, chuckling. "They're here to challenge you...to a DANCE BATTLE!!"
A sound system appeared in front of Vinyl Scratch.
"The rules are simple," Twilight said. "Everypony in Ponyville dances. The zombies dance. Last pony or zombie standing wins." She gestured off to the side. "Anypony who tries to run away answers to my chupacabras." Indeed, there were chupacabras lurking in the mist, chittering eerily. "And now..."
Bright, multicolored spotlights trained on the valley from nowhere, and the zombies move into formation behind Twilight.
"DANCE!!"
The sound system thudded to life, and Vinyl Scratch began nodding her head to the beat. The zombies began shuffling and thrashing in jerky, halting movements.
We're gonna have a party tonight! All this zombie dancing is a ghoulish sight I'm feelin' evil and I just gotta say If I win, it all ends, you won't live to see the light of day!
Let's be evil tonight! It's a zombie dance party, it's a super-scary sight! Let's be evil tonight! We're gonna dance for our lives, and it feels just right!
It's time to throw it down! Gotta show these zombie clowns! What happens when you step into this pony groove We're too cool for mule! Ponies win and zombies drool! So let's get down on the floor, come on and move those hooves!
Let's be evil tonight! It's spooky and scary but we're doin' alright! Let's be evil tonight! We're gonna dance for our lives, it's a zombie dance party tonight!
I wish these zombies would just go away But they're dead so they don't understand a word I say! I want to fly away, I want to run and hide But my hooves keep moving on their own, the music is my guide!
Let's be evil tonight! We're in a trance, so we'll dance until the morning light! Let's be evil tonight! We've gotta dance for our lives, it's a zombie dance party tonight!
Yeah now you're in the groove! Yeah now you've got the moves! But can you kick it like my zombie crew?
Come on and show your stuff! I just can't get enough! Now come on everypony see this through!
Let's be evil tonight! Gimme more, on the floor, come on and win the fight! Let's be evil tonight! We're dancing for our lives, and it feels just right, come on and
Let's be evil tonight! Don't give in, we can win, we gotta get this right, come on and Let's be evil tonight! We can dance We can prance And we can win the dance party tonight!
* * * * *
Dawn broke over a crowd of exhausted ponies lying sprawled out all over the valley. The zombie ponies were long gone, the chupacabras were nowhere to be seen, and Twilight was surrounded by her friends. "Um, you win," she said sheepishly.
"Twilight...that was the downright craziest thing Ah ever did see," Applejack said.
"You scared the plop out of all of Ponyville!" Rainbow Dash cried.
"You hurt Discord!" Fluttershy said reproachfully.
Twilight sighed. "Yeah yeah, I know. Don't worry. I'll give Discord back his powers, and nopony got hurt...much...so..."
A makeshift High Court had been erected in Ponyville's town square. Princesses Celestia and Luna sat atop a high marble dais, flanked by Cadance and Shining Armor. A huge crowd of ponies filled every open inch of the square, whispering and murmuring amongst themselves. On a raised wooden platform, Twilight Sparkle, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, Rarity, and Applejack stood, flanked by a squadron of Royal Guards. Nooses had been fitted around their necks.
Celestia cleared her throat. "The Court will now read the charges. Applejack, you are charged with two hundred counts of malicious mischief. Rarity, you are charged with three counts of child abuse and three counts of unlawful exploitation of minors. Rainbow Dash, you are charged with abuse of office as a member of the Weather Patrol. Fluttershy, you are charged with six hundred and one counts of malicious mischief and four thousand counts of misdemeanor petty theft. Pinkie Pie, you are charged with high treason and the abduction of Equestrian royalty. Twilight Sparkle, you are charged with felony theft of magic, felony release of evil creatures from Tartarus, three hundred counts of unlawful confinement, six hundred counts of endangerment of fellow ponies, and two hundred counts of illegal use of dark magic. How do you plead?"
"Guilty," the six ponies chorused, heads hung in shame.
"Let the record show that the defendants have entered a plea of guilty," Celestia said sternly. "It is the determination of the High Court of Equestria that the defendants are hereby sentenced to hang by the neck until red."
Twilight blinked. "Wait, what?"
The guards QUICKLY leapt away from the gallows as several hundred gallons of red velvet cake batter fell out of nowhere, completely coating the six mares.
All of Ponyville laughed uproariously.
The nooses floated off their necks, and the gallows disappeared. The Princesses boarded their royal carriages and returned to Canterlot.
"Ugh!" Rarity complained. "It'll take FOREVER to get this mess out of my coat and mane!"
"Hey, better red than dead," Rainbow Dash said. "Oh, and Pinkie Pie?"
"Yes?"
"Run."
"EEP!"
* * * * *
That night, as Pinkie Pie dreamed of candy and cupcakes and zebras who called her Kevin, Princess Luna appeared from behind a candy cane the size of a redwood tree.
"Hiya, Lunie!" Pinkie exclaimed, waving.
"Good evening to you, Pinkie Pie," the Princess of the Night replied. "We wish to thank thee for thy assistance. Thanks to thee, We knowest now what to expect in the event the Nightmare or other dark forces should ever possess those who bear the Elements of Harmony."
"Oh, it was nothing," Pinkie replied. "Glad I could help. Although, I don't really think you have anything to worry about. Well, except if Twilight turns evil for real. I mean, that was kinda messed up."
"Indeed," Luna replied. "We are wondering if perhaps Our sister should consider returning Twilight Sparkle to Magic Kindergarten..."
"Nah, I have a better idea."
"Oh?" Luna asked, eyebrow raised.
Pinkie showed the Night Princess her very special, very inappropriate toy.
"That is...quite...creative...We must be going now. Farewell!"
* * * * *
Twilight descended the stairs the next morning to find a giftwrapped package sitting in the middle of the library. "Oh? What's this?" She opened it with her magic...
