After the party, Princess Celestia went back to Canterlot, and the others bid farewell to the Pie family and returned to Ponyville.
"I'm really sorry things got so crazy for you girls," Pinkie said. "I just meant for it to be a fun kind of scavenger hunt, not..." She shook her head.
"Well, I guess we can't blame you for the crazy stuff we all had to deal with," Twilight said. "I mean, you didn't plan all that, so..."
"Anyway, Fluttershy, it's your turn now!" Pinkie said.
"Umm...I pass," the timid pegasus said.
"Noooooononononono, you can't pass," Pinkie said. "Nopony else passed, so you gotta play!"
"But I never—"
"Come on! Fluttershy, evil?" Rainbow Dash scoffed.
Twilight arched an eyebrow. "YOU weren't there in the labyrinth," she said.
"Or when that horrible minotaur got his hooves into her," Rarity added.
"And you didn't see what she did to that poor BEAR," Twilight added, shivering.
Everypony stared at her.
"Um, what?" Fluttershy asked, blinking.
"Nothing!" Twilight said hastily.
"Whoa, really? You all think Fluttershy can do evil?" Dash asked, impressed. "Yeah, okay, I gotta see this now."
"Oh, no, I couldn't—"
"Then it's settled. We shall await your evil plan," Rarity said.
"If you'd please just listen—"
The group continued on ahead, chatting and laughing, Fluttershy bringing up the rear.
Since Fluttershy was behind the others, nopony noticed the frown on her face, nor the way her eyes narrowed dangerously.
Pinkie Pie got a sudden shudder she couldn't explain.
* * * * *
It was late at night when Fluttershy finally got home. Her animal friends gathered around her; she was pleased to see their food and water dishes were all filled. The Cutie Mark Crusaders had taken good care of all her little friends while she was away.
Angel hopped up to her, nose twitching.
"Oh, Angel," Fluttershy said, "nopony will listen to me, everypony expects me to be part of this STUPID game of Pinkie Pie's, they all want me to do something evil, I don't WANT to be evil, I'm just so frustrated I could SCREAM..."
She drew in a deep breath and let out a squeak like a broken rubber duckie.
"Oh, this is all stupid Pinkie Pie's fault!" Fluttershy suddenly exploded. "I don't WANT to do anything evil to anypony, but Pinkie..."
She trailed off, and a truly malevolent grin broke her face.
"Angel? Round up all the critter friends. We've got work to do. EVIL work."
* * * * *
"Lalala, lalaLAlala!" Pinkie Pie sang to herself as she bounced into the kitchen for breakfast. She opened the cupboard and reached for her favorite cereal, Super Sugary Sugar Flakes.
She was halfway through pouring a bowl of Super Sugary Sugar Flakes when she realized that there was no merry tinkling sound of Super Sugary Sugar Flakes hitting the bottom of the bowl.
Because there wasn't a box of Super Sugary Sugar Flakes in her little pink hoof.
In fact, there wasn't even a box of Super Sugary Sugar Flakes in the cupboard.
Pinkie blinked. "Did I run out of Super Sugary Sugar Flakes and forget to buy more?" She tilted her head, frowning in thought. After a full minute, she brightened. "Oh well! I can just have strudel instead!"
She bounced out into the store proper, grabbing her baking apron and tying it on, and sproinged into the Cakes' baking kitchen.
"La la la, hm hm hm, let's see, I'll need flour, cream cheese, vanilla, sugar..." As she reviewed the recipe in her head, she gathered up the ingredients. She was just about to start mixing when her mind screeched to a halt with a needle-on-record sound.
"Waaaaaait a second. How could I have forgotten the sugar?"
Berating herself for being a silly pony, she trotted back over to the pantry, rummaging through it. She frowned; the sugar section in the pantry was awfully empty.
In fact, there wasn't a single bag of sugar anywhere!
She frowned, tilting her head. "Well that's just odd. This is a bakery! There should be plenty of sugar here, but—"
"Oh, hello there, Pinkie Pie!" Mrs. Cake called from the doorway. "Getting an early start?"
"We're out of sugar," Pinkie said.
Mrs. Cake blinked. "Beg pardon?"
Pinkie motioned to the gaping empty space in the pantry where the sugar was supposed to be. "Out. Of. Sugar. No sugar. Not a bag, not a box, not a cup, not a speck."
Mrs. Cake frowned. "That's odd. I just restocked the pantry two days ago, we shouldn't be out of sugar already..."
Pinkie's tummy rumbled. "And my Super Sugary Sugar Flakes were all gone, too. Even the box!" Her eyes widened. "Oh my gosh! I totally forgot about my emergency box!" She started stacking boxes to form a makeshift ladder, which she scrambled up until she had reached the ceiling. She slid open a panel on the ceiling and rummaged around inside.
"Uh, Pinkie Pie? What are you—"
"GONE!" Pinkie shouted, falling down the pile of boxes and sending them crashing to the floor with her. "My Sugar Flakes! They're GONE!" She slid across the floor on her knees, front hooves stretched upward to the sky as she threw back her head and screamed, "GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONE!!"
* * * * *
Applejack was heading out the door to start her morning chores when Granny Smith intercepted her. "Ah'm hankerin' ta make some jelly, but we ain't got no sugar. Could y'all be a dear an' go buy some?"
"Sure thing, Granny!" Applejack said. She scratched her head. "That's funny, though. Ah coulda sworn Ah seen a big ol' bag'a sugar in th' pantry just last night..."
* * * * *
"Here's your coffee, Twilight," Spike said as he handed the studious unicorn a steaming hot cup.
"Thanks, Spike." Twilight took a sip. "Ugh! Spike! You know I take it double sweet!"
"Sorry, Twilight," Spike said. "We're out of sugar." He frowned. "We're out of the good cereal too. We've only got the boring Oaty-O's."
"Well, I guess we need to go grocery shopping."
* * * * *
Applejack and Twilight met each other at the town market. "Yer out mighty early, sugarcube," Applejack said.
"We ran out of sugar, and Spike's out of his favorite cereal," Twilight said.
"Huh, that's a funny coinkidink. Granny Smith sent me out ta buy sugar. Coulda sworn we had plenty, we always keep enough around on account'a all th' bakin' we do."
"Weird," Twilight said.
At the dry goods store, they found several annoyed ponies milling around, and a harrassed-looking clerk berating a stockpony. "If you would all PLEASE just CALM DOWN!" the clerk called out in a high, nasally voice.
Twilight cantered up to him. "What's going on?" she asked.
"What's going ON? We're having a sugar crisis, that's what's going ON!" the clerk huffed.
"Sugar crisis?" Twilight asked, tilting her head. "You mean you're out of sugar?"
"Com-PLETELY!" the clerk ranted. "No white sugar, no brown sugar, no powdered sugar, no sugary cereal, no nothing! Everything with sugar in it is just GONE!"
Applejack raised an eyebrow. "Well now that's just plumb weird," she said. "We ain't got no sugar out at th' farm, Twi ain't got no sugar, an' now y'all ain't got no sugar t'sell..."
"Believe me, I wish we did," the clerk said, sniffing loudly. "EVERYpony has been in to buy sugar this morning."
"Hmm," Twilight frowned. "Well...I guess if it's a sugar crisis, the best thing we can do is hope Sugar Cube Corner can spare some..." She glanced around at the milling crowd and flattened her ears. "Oh boy."
"You said it," Applejack agreed.
* * * * *
Twilight, Applejack, and a few of the sugar-seeking ponies from the market trotted up the lane to Sugar Cube Corner, and knew something was wrong before they got within a hundred paces.
There was a line of grumpy-looking ponies stretched halfway down the road from the bakery, and a harassed-looking Pinkie Pie was standing in the doorway, her poufy mane frazzled and her smile strained.
"EVERYPONY LISTEN UP!" Pinkie yelled. "We can only sell boring old not-sweet breads and stuff today! If you came for cakes or cupcakes or tasty muffins or fritters or turnovers or strudel or anything else sweet and yummy, we can't help you! We're totally completely entirely absolutely all out of sugar!"
"How can you be out of sugar?" Bon Bon asked. "You're a cake shop, for neighing out loud!"
"YYYYEEEEEEEAAAH!" Snowflake, who was just a couple ponies behind her, bellowed.
"I don't know WHY we're out of sugar, we just ARE!" Pinkie cried. "There's no use whining about it! Mr. Cake's gone out to restock the sugar, and when he gets back we'll be able to—"
Pinkie trailed off as Mrs. Cake trotted up behind her. She blinked, turned to the older mare, and jumped two feet in the air, jaw gaping and eyes bugging out. "WHAT?!" Pinkie screamed.
Twilight and Applejack looked at one another, worried expressions on their faces.
Mrs. Cake stepped outside. "Aheh...I'm very, very sorry everypony, but...we're not opening the shop today." With that, she put out the "CLOSED" sign and shut the door.
The crowd milled around, buzzing like angry bees, before dispersing.
Twilight and Applejack trotted up to the door. Twilight hesitantly knocked.
"I'm sorry, but we're closed and that's final!" Mrs. Cake said through the door.
"It's Twilight Sparkle," Twilight said. "We just want to talk to you and Pinkie Pie."
"Oh! Twilight, dear!" Mrs. Cake said, sounding relieved as she opened the door.
"TWILIGHT!" Pinkie yelled, yanking the unicorn inside and bouncing up and down on her back. "MAKE SUGAR! USE YOUR MAGIC! MAKE MAGIC SUGAR!"
"PINKIE!" Twilight yelled, bucking; Pinkie flew off the unicorn's back and crashed into table five.
"Please?" Pinkie asked plaintively, grinning hugely and ponysqueaking.
"Sorry, Pinkie Pie, I don't have a pull-sugar-out-of-my-plot spell," Twilight deadpanned.
"Actually I was hoping it'd come out of your horn, not, not...ewww!"
Twilight rolled her eyes.
"Simmer down, sugarcube," Applejack said. "So y'all're in th' same fix as ever'pony else?" she asked Mrs. Cake.
Mrs. Cake blinked. "Oh my...you mean nopony has any sugar?"
"It's starting to look that way," Twilight said. "I mean, we haven't gone around and asked every single pony, but I have a hunch if we did, they'd all say the same thing."
"Well this is just too weird," Applejack said. "How could all the sugar in Ponyville just up'n vanish?"
Mr. Cake trotted into the serving area, looking tired. "I'm going to go talk to Filthy Rich," he said. "He has the connections to have sugar delivered from anywhere in Equestria." He grimaced. "I doubt it's going to be cheap, though."
"You'd better talk to the manager of the dry goods store first too," Twilight said. "They're as desperate for sugar as everypony else."
Mr. Cake nodded and left.
"But that still leaves us with a mystery," Twilight said after he left, pacing the room. "What could've happened to all the sugar?"
* * * * *
That evening, a freight train pulled into Ponyville station. Several burly stallions, all employees of Filthy Rich, began unloading crates marked "SUGAR" onto waiting wagons. Ponies milling around the station cheered at the arrival of the precious commodity. They followed the wagons into town, singing happy songs about cupcakes and pastries.
* * * * *
The next morning...
"NOT AGAIN!!!!"
* * * * *
That evening, a freight train pulled into Ponyville station. Several burly stallions, all employees of Filthy Rich, began unloading crates marked "SUGAR" onto waiting wagons. Ponies milling around the station cheered at the arrival of the precious commodity. They followed the wagons into town, singing happy songs about cupcakes and pastries.
* * * * *
The next morning...
"NOT AGAIN!!!!"
* * * * *
That evening, a freight train pulled into Ponyville station. Several burly stallions, all employees of Filthy Rich, began unloading crates marked "SUGAR" onto waiting wagons. Ponies milling around the station cheered at the arrival of the precious commodity. They followed the wagons into town, singing happy songs about cupcakes and pastries.
* * * * *
The next morning...
"NOT AGAIN!!!!"
* * * * *
"UGH!" Twilight groaned as she paced the library. "This. Is. RIDICULOUS!" She snorted as she began levitating several books which orbited her like wordy paper moons. "How could all the sugar in Ponyville keep disappearing day after day?!"
"Maybe it's Fluttershy," Spike said.
Twilight rolled her eyes. "Spiiike, there's no possible way Fluttershy is behind this! It's impossible for one pony, especially one as timid as Fluttershy, to—"
"Pinkie Pie kidnapped the Princess and left fake bombs all over the world," Spike pointed out.
"Well...yes, but..." Twilight frowned. "Princess Celestia was in on the kidnapping, and—"
The front door suddenly exploded inward, flying off its hinges and slamming into the "Miscellaneous General Reference D-G" section.
Pinkie Pie stormed into the library. Her coat was less vibrant, her mane was straight and limp, and her eyes blazed with fury. Her mouth was set in a frown that looked permanently etched there.
"Err...Pinkie Pie?" Twilight asked, drawing back.
Pinkie stalked up to Twilight. "Find them, Twilight," she growled. "Find whoever's taking the sugar so I can KILL THEM!"
"Uhhh, nopony's killing anypony, Pinkie," Twilight said, backing nervously away from the pink mare. "But I will figure this mess out. This...this just can't continue. Everypony's going absolutely crazy!"
"I AM NOT CRAZY!" Pinkie yelled in Twilight's ear. "I. AM. MAD!!" With that, she stormed out through the gaping hole that used to be the front door.
Spike blinked. "Whoa."
"Okay, this is getting ridiculous. Spike? Take a letter..."
* * * * *
Princess Celestia blinked in confusion at the very strange letter she had just received from her faithful student, Twilight Sparkle.
Dear Princess Celestia,
I know this is going to sound very, very strange, but...could I please borrow a cup of sugar?
* * * * *
Spike salivated over the small, plain box of delicious sugar.
"Now, Spike," Twilight admonished. "We're not going to eat it. This is bait."
"I know, I know," Spike said huffily.
Twilight's horn glowed as she cast a spell on the sugar. "The next person who touches this will freeze solid, and I'll know the second the spell goes off. Then we'll have our culprit!"
Twilight placed the sugar on the highest shelf in the cupboard, then went about her business.
Shortly past midnight, she was awakened by the magical jolt that alerted her to the spell's activation. She burst out of bed and dashed downstairs into the kitchen.
There, she found a chipmunk encased in a solid block of magical ice, clutching the box of sugar in his furry little paws. Her jaw dropped.
Spike padded into the kitchen a few moments later. He espied the frozen chipmunk and folded his arms. "Told you it was Fluttershy."
* * * * *
Fluttershy was checking up on a nest of baby birds when Twilight and Pinkie trotted up to her cottage. "Took you long enough," she said with a smirk.
"YOU!" Pinkie yelled. "YOU SICK, DISEASED MONSTER!"
"Um, Fluttershy," Twilight said calmly, "Is there any possible chance you might see reason and kindly give everypony back the sugar?"
Fluttershy, hovering in midair, folded her front hooves and looked haughtily away. "Make me," she said.
"Oh, I'll MAKE you," Pinkie growled. "I'll MAKE you...and then I'll UN-MAKE YOU!"
"Pinkie Pie, stop!" Twilight snapped.
"No, Twilight, this has gone too far!" Pinkie said. "This...this MONSTER...MUST PAY!!" With that, she began grabbing random objects and throwing them at the pegasus.
Fluttershy dodged easily, glowering down at Pinkie. "I tried to tell you that I didn't want any part of your stupid little game, but you Just. Wouldn't. Listen! And now that you've REALLY PISSED ME OFF, there will never be so much as a teaspoon of sugar in Ponyville EVER. AGAIN!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! COME DOWN HERE, YOU...YOU SUGAR-RUINER!"
"Sugar-ruiner?" Twilight asked.
"SHE RUINED SUGAR!" Pinkie screamed.
"Maybe I did ruin sugar," Fluttershy said, "but YOU ruined—"
Without warning, a grey torpedo slammed into Fluttershy, knocking her out of the air. A massive cloud of dust obscured her as she crashed into the ground.
When the cloud thinned, Twilight stared, slack-jawed, at the sight of the local mailmare pounding the living crap out of Fluttershy.
"YOU! RUINED! MUFFINS!" Derpy screamed as she tore into Fluttershy.
"Ack! Help, please!" Fluttershy cried.
"Okay, that is ENOUGH!" Twilight bellowed. Her horn lit up like the sun as she forcibly separated everypony and held them apart, suspended in bubbles of magic. "Pinkie, just tell Fluttershy she wins so she'll give everypony back their sugar. Derpy, muffins aren't worth killing somepony over. Fluttershy, apologize to Pinkie for making this personal."
A few minutes later, everypony had more or less settled down, and Twilight had released them. "Now, Fluttershy," Twilight said calmly, "where are your critter friends hiding the sugar?"
"Oh, well, um...they're not exactly hiding it..."
Twilight's ears flattened. "They didn't just eat it all, did they?"
"Oh goodness, no!" Fluttershy said. "That much sugar is really bad for cute little forest creatures."
"Sooo...what happened to the sugar?" Twilight asked, tilting her head.
A loud buzzing filled the air as a solid stream of fuzzy, multicolored evil passed overhead from the direction of the Everfree Forest, heading straight for Ponyville.
"I gave it to them," Fluttershy said, grinning weakly.
Twilight stared at her in disbelief.
Pinkie let out an irritated sigh. "Great. Time to find a whole bunch of musical instruments really, really fast..."
* * * * *
By evening, the Parasprite swarm had been driven out of town without causing much damage, and a shipment of sweet, sweet sugar had finally reached Ponyville. The sun set on ponies celebrating the return of delicious sugary goodness.
"Pour! Some! Sugar on me!" Pinkie Pie sang as she danced through the streets, giving herself a sugar shower.
"Well, I'm glad THAT'S over," Twilight said as she closed down the library for the night.
"Uhh...Twilight?" Spike said. "You do realize it's your turn now, right?"
"My turn?"
"To be evil."
Twilight's eyes widened. "Oh no."
Twilight's turn?
To be evil?
OH YES.
~Skeeter The Lurker
Pinkie Pie's was still the best but Fluttershy comes in a close second.
Now it's Twilight's turn and then Zecora's if she wants to.
twilight chapter has to be the most epic one^^
It must involve nightmare twilight, apocalyptic doom,changeling minions and books
Wow, I somehow knew that somepony would steal all the sugar, all of it
Fluttershy was vicious, as I expected.
But now, Twilight. The smart one. Hmm...
Poor Pinkie! I khan totally sympathize!
2647843
i c wut u did thar
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Fluttershy is the greatest
What a sweet chapter. Hur hur hurrrrr.
oooooooooooooohhhh this is gona be good!!
http://lovetomorrowlove.tumblr.com/image/9913209058
i can see this as pinkie after the sugar came back.
Uh oh indeed Twilight Sparkle. Now what will she do?
"You don't Mess with Fluttershy"
Fluttershy really over did it. I can't believe she would do such a thing.
2647747
i see you favor aku... tell me, what would someone who adores the master of darkness have twilight do as an evil plan?
I'm gonna laugh when Twilight accidentally actually takes over the world.
Flutterbitch is best villain!
Fluttershy's two-hit Evil Combo:
1) Steal all the sugar.
2) Give it to the parasprites, turning them into a horde of hyperactive eating machines.
Lesson: Don't mess with Fluttershy. Don't go in her shed, don't make her do evil things, don't Discord her, NOTHING.
That was short and sweet.
Get it? See what I did there?!!!
2647747 OH YES INDEED MWHAHAAHAH
I await Twilight's evil plan with great eagerness.
Aww, I was half-expecting Fluttershy's turn to be a ridiculously pathetic attempt, the sight of which would have made the rest of the mane 6 begin to stealthily improve the plan without telling the others, thinking it would help poor Fluttershy so she didn't look so bad at being evil until it became an abomination that no one could stop, basically making her conquer the world against her will and with apologies flowing.
http://mlp-fib.thecomicseries.com/images/comics/57/d6cd855e94793eabd6bf4e483a10579a255624645.jpg
Evil Fluttershy is scary.
when pinke was insane.
A cupcake reference would be creepy and fitting but fun.
Awesome
I didn't think Fluttershy would make this personal! This proves that you should always stay on her good side; you do not want her as an enemy.
DARKNESS SHALL REIGN!
I'm disappointed. I expected 'Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs'
[youtube=c59kRQI0DmY]
If Twilight were truly evil, she'd do…
…absolutely nothing. Nada. Nichts. Zip. Zero. Zilch.
But whenever any of the other Mane 6 are around, she'd glance at them shiftily, and chuckle quietly and evilly to herself. Occasionally light up her horn like she was casting a spell of some sort. Generate some strange lights, noises, and odors in the basement of the library—but perceivable outside—when she knows one of the others is nearby. Send Spike out periodically for weird ingredients and to take odd measurements (width of the main door into the Boutique, how many ounces of frosting is used on every third vanilla cupcake at Sugarcube Corner, average altitude of RB's "nap cloud," etc.). That sort of thing. If asked what she was doing, she could truthfully say, "Nothing!" Though whether any of them would believe her is another question entirely.
After a week or two of this, they'll be begging Twilight to do something, just to end the suspense!
2648974 The old "the best prank is the one that never happened" game? I like it, but I don't know if I want to use it. It's a little too cliche. Good suggestion, though!
2648998
I figure anything Twilight attempts to do at this point that's "flashy," e.g., "Nightmare Twilight," will be perceived as anticlimactic. She's the Great and Powerful
Trixie!Twilight Sparkle, after all. She's seemingly the only "normal" pony that can teleport! She can turn birds and frogs into oranges! She can lift an Ursa Minor and a water tank filled with a several hundred gallons of water (or milk), milk a barnful of cows, all while simultaneously playing the aeolian flute on reeds and scrying for the nearest Ursa Major cave! When extremely angry, she's been observed to burst into flame! She can even borrow a cup of sugar from the ruler of Equestria (loved that, BTW ) without a formal audience! If she were of a mind to, she could pull all three Equestrian princesses in on a single prank—so forget Discord, and fear for the very underpinnings of the laws of (super-)nature in Equestria!Subtlety is the last thing the rest of the Mane 6 would probably expect from Twilight at this point, especially in light of what all they've already done in the name of the Game. If not the "prank that never happens," then something else that wouldn't be immediately assigned to Twilight; something that doesn't even appear to be evil on the surface. Or something so ridiculously-over-the-top OP that everypony—the Princesses, Spike, and Shining Armor included—think Twilight really has gone over to the dark side.
I expected nothing less from Fluttershy. Kick ass
2648782
Calvin and Hobbes reference. You are the best kind of person!
COOL!
Is spike going to have a turn at being evil?
I was expecting an army of the greatest and vile beasts from the Evefree to come down and rain horror and chaos onto the town of Ponyville.
And then Discord comes and uses his powers to aid Fluttershy.
Then they rule the world while torturing Pinkie by giving her the opposite of sugar.
Salt.
Wow, I'm impressed Pinkie didn't get abstinence syndrome after almost a week of no sugar.
2647759
DEATH BY HOMEWORK!!!!!!!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HAVE MERCY!!!!!!
Hello, my name is Derpy Hooves. You ruined my muffin. Prepare to die.
: I'll... buy you another one?
Then I love you! *hug*
2650226 I love that comic.
This chapter is Colgate-Approved
I wanna see an alternate ending; Derpy does beat the living crap out of Fluttershy.
And why were only Twilight, Pinkie and Applejack involved? That puzzles me.
2651003 Because your mother dresses you funny.
Serious reply: I just didn't feel like shoehorning every single character into this one. Involving Twi, Pinkie, and AJ in the plot organically made sense, especially Pinkie since this one was a directed personal grudge attack at her, but trying to squeeze Rarity and Dash in would've been blatant padding and would've corrupted the chapter flow. So I just left Rarity and Dash out.
2651148
Fair enough.
2651148
For Chapter 8...
1. So the tally for the final stretch...
- #1 ~ Applejack... Poisoning Town Water Supply. 4 out of 10. Good start & plan, but weak villainy.
- #2 ~ Rarity... Mind Control. 7 out of 10. Solid super-villainy.
- #3 ~ Rainbow Dash... Masquerading as the Grim Reaper(/"Roper"). 3 out of 10. Too much prank, not enough villainy.
- #4 ~ Pinkie Pie... Kidnapping a VIP (Princess Celestia). 8 out of 10. Great planning & villainy, but moderately "out-of-bounds" (outside Ponyville area).
- #4.5 ~ Cutie Mark Crusaders... Unleash a "Virus" (poison joke), Market the Cure. 7 out of 10. Excellent "greedy corporate" villainy.
- #5 ~ Fluttershy... Theft & deprivation of a "valuable" resource (sugar). 7 out of 10. Also solid super-villainy, even had a horde of minions.
2. I agree with you that Rainbow Dash and Rarity probably would not have added much to this chapter. At best (or worst), you might have made a "marshmallow" meme-joke with Rarity.
3. A refinement suggestion... Instead of the copy-&-paste repetition for the part about sugar shipments, you could alter the later shipments' scenes as the townsfolk become increasingly lackluster per cycle, as they tumble to the pattern of theft & deprivation. (e.g.: 1st shipment: HOORAY!!!, 2nd shipment: Hooray!, 3rd shipment: hooray...)
4. One minor change I might have suggested for the end of Fluttershy's villainy, I would have made the parasprite swarm attack also part of her evil plans.
This would have bumped up Fluttershy's score to 9 out of 10 .
5. I look forward to seeing what you do for Twilight's villainy; hopefully something truly awe- & fear-inspiring, to show Twilight's characteristic ability to rise to the challenge, and more than one or two chapters' worth.
i half expected fluttershy to get discord to help (he would've probably liked that) which i think would be good btw derpy op
2661579
One minor change I might have suggested for the end of Fluttershy's villainy, I would have made the parasprite swarm attack also part of her evil plans.
It was.
Sorry if that was too subtle. :P
2663612...
Yes, it was too subtle. Even knowing that now with your reply, I cannot raise Fluttershy's score as it is base-written .
I might suggest a minor, less subtle, revision to clarify it. It does not have to be my suggested revision version, just something to better point out to the reader that the parasprite swarm was indeed Fluttershy's "Plan B" or "Phase 2" added to her sugar-theft villainy.
I FREAKING LIKE THE STORY IT'S AWSOME LOVE IT!!!!!, especially the part were fluttershy goes evil because uhm aahh eehh i like fluttershy no i don't like her i love her so im gonna give it as much yays i can do