What if everypony was Pinkie Pie? Thanks to AnneCD for the inspiration.
Everypony is Pinkie Pie. Disaster caused by Pinkie, solved by Pinkie, celebrated by Pinkie, Pinkie, Pinkie, Pinkie, Pinkie, and of course Pinkie Pie. And now I'm writing more of it!
Pinkie Pie sighed loudly as she finished another cupcake by the fire. The library could get awfully quiet on most days, so she had installed large music speakers every five feet or so. However, even the loud party music couldn’t lift her spirits. Pinkie Pie, her bestest friend, had ditched her to go see the Pinkiebolts, the most famous party throwers in Equestria! And Pinkie was making more dresses made completely out of candy, Pinkie was working at the bakery, Pinkie was at the farm harvesting the year’s bubblegum crop, and Pinkie was caring for Pinkie’s pet, Gummy, because he was sick. Pinkie put down her book, Party theory 101: The basic principles of a party, by Pinkie Pie, and went over to where Pinkie Pie was sleeping in her basket. She looked so peaceful, but she knew at any moment the pink dragon would be up, streamers flying everywhere. So it was a bit jarring when she was trying to edge around her that Pinkie practically knocked down the door.
“Pinkie! Come quickly! There’s been an accident and Mrs. and Mrs. Pie need our help!”
“What happened?”
“Well, I… um… kinda maybe sorta lit the house on fire a teensy weensy bit,” she said, guiltily shrinking back before springing up again. “But only a little! I’m sure Pinkie or maybe Pinkie handled it!”
“Yeah! Isn’t she like the best firemare?”
“I know! Isn’t it exciting? I’ve never been so excited, except for that one time when you-“but she was cut off by Pinkie’s hoof. She’d heard this one before. In fact, when they had both tried to throw each other a party upon first meeting, they’d become the best of friends. Well, that had happened with everyone else, really, but still! Pinkie was different.
“Let’s go!” said Pinkie. And in that instant they were both in front of the bakery, which was lit up in the night. All of a sudden Pinkie appeared from around the corner, approaching the other mares. From nowhere, she pulled a fire hose connected to nothing in particular. She flipped the nozzle and gallons of chocolate syrup spurted out, covering the building. The fires were quickly put out as Pinkie flipped off the nozzle with a hoof. The assembled crowd cheered for Pinkie as Pinkie and Pinkie lifted her into the air.
“You saved our home, Pinkie! And now it’s gonna taste sooooo good! Yay!” shouted Mrs. Pie.
“Save some for me!” shouted Mrs. Pie, her spouse. A cry came from the back, from a filly named Pinkie Pie.
“Can you spway us wiff the chocowate?” She said, big shining eyes looking at Pinkie while Pinkie and Pinkie looked at each other with huge smiles.
“Of COURSE! Why didn’t I think of that before? Wheeeee!” she exclaimed, firing off great bursts of chocolate syrup into the crowd. The group of ponies were now diving in and out of the syrup, and somepony- probably Pinkie, but maybe it was Pinkie- brought out Pinkie’s party cannon, and then it got real.
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
The party outside the bakery lasted all through the night, and most of the morning, but eventually the chocolate supplies ran out and everypony went home. Pinkie got out a quill and used her magic to start writing a letter.
Dear Princess Pinkie Pie, Today, I learned that giant hoses with chocolate in them are the BEST things EVER! I mean, have you ever seen a hose shoot 300 gallons of chocolate straight into a group of ponies? I have! It was awesome! I mean, I think everypony in town is gonna have one, and at this rate, the whole town will be chocolate by next Tuesday. I should probably get an umbrella… bye for now!
“Yes, Private Pie, what is it?” replied General Pinkie Pie, from her chair.
“We need more chocolate! Our troops are down in the dumps, ma’am!” squeaked the private.
“Of course! Pinkie Pie!” shouted Pinkie.
“Yes?” the pink pony replied, looking from her reports on the effects of different shades of pink on the enemy psyche.
“Tell Pinkie to send more chocolate reserves to the western front. And an additional ten crates of streamers to the south, I think their supplies are low.”
“Absofruitly, ma’am. They haven’t had a party in at least two- no three, three hours.” Piped up the private, from behind Pinkie.
“Gaah! On the double then, Pinkie! And private, send a message to Field Commander Pie, tell her she’s got a surprise coming!” ordered Pinkie.
“Yes ma’am!” they replied in unison.
“Waitwaitwaitwait! Cancel that! It wouldn’t be much of a surprise if they knew it was coming! Make it a stealth op, Private!” demanded Pinkie, bouncing up and down.
“Yes ma’am!” shouted the Private, somehow having changed into a ninja costume in the last second.
“And don’t forget the- oh. Well done, private. Maybe you’ll be where I am, someday. I remember when I was just a filly…” she said, drifting off into memories. The young private hopped away towards the chocolate yards, while Pinkie Pie woke up a sleepy dragon by the name of Pinkie Pie.
“Yargh! You’ll never take me alive, coppers!” blurted the sleepy pink dragon.
“We haven’t got time for this, Pinks! I need you to send a message to Pinkie Pie, at the Chocolate Yard, for a thousand gallons of chocolate by sundown! Stealth equipped, too!” The dragon snapped to attention, one claw at the forehead while the other did The Promise.
“I’ll make sure the barrels have their ninja suits on properly, ma’am.” She reassured her, her other claw finishing the salute by poking her eye. She squealed in pain.
“Pinks, you’ll never rank up unless you close your eye first! C’mon, you gotta do it right or else it’s not official!” blared the officer, quickly doing The Promise.
“Woopsies! I’ll get it one of these days, for sure!” the dragon said, her claw doing the motions before she poked herself in the eye again.
“You’re hopeless, Pinks,” sighed Pinkie Pie.
“Pinkie! How’re those reports coming along? Our troops are in desperate need of a party!”
“Oop! Sorry! Pinks, send a message to Pinkie, at the warehouse, tell her we need ten crates of streamers, on the double! Oh! And, write it in Pig Latin, in case your message is intercepted by deadly ninja pirates.”
“I hate those guys! You got it! Ok, um, how does this look?”
“Perfect! Now send it!” One large spout of pink flame and streamers later, and the message was off with the one to the Chocolate Yard.
“Yes, with the new supplies and morale, I can finally defeat that blasted Pinkie Pie and Pinkie Pie, and her little Diamond Dog Pinkie too!” monologued General Pinkie Pie, to the awestruck gazes of Pinkie and Pinkie, and of course the Royal Pinkie guard. “And finally, the threat to Equestria from Pinkie and her deadly ninja pirates will be removed, and we’ll throw the biggest. Party. EVER!”
The whole room erupted into cheers, balloons flying everywhere. Pinkie Pie danced with Pinkie Pie, Pinkie sang in front of Pinkie, Pinkie and Pinkie Pie, and somepony totally saw Pinkie Pie making out with Pinkie Pie. The number of chocolate related injuries tripled that day, but everypony in the hospital said it was so worth it.
The crowds roared at Pinkie Stadium as the band walked onstage. Hundreds of party cannons went off in the audience at once, parties erupting as the band brought out their specialized party cannon. Pinkie walked up to the mic, a hoof fixing her mane.
“Excuse me, party ponies, but we’ve got a concert to start! So shush!” she spoke loudly into the piece of equipment. The stadium fell silent at once, quiet and somber. A young pink mare emerged from behind the curtains, carrying a torch in her hooves. She carefully walked up to the towering, one story tall, vibrant and extremely pink cannon. She lowered her torch, igniting the fuse.
The stadium held its breath.
The string burned.
All at once, millions of streamers, balloons and party hats shot out of the huge contraption, showering the attending ponies in wondrous party favors. The crowd cheered loudly, more tiny cannons going off sporadically. Pinkie waved to the stage crew, and four pink ponies arrived to push the cannon offstage.
Pinkie looked to her other band mates- a pink pegasus, wearing a silver party hat, holding a guitar in her hooves; two pink unicorns, having a swordfight with their magical appendages while standing near drums and a bass guitar; and of course, her, Pinkie Pie, the earth pony with the rockin’ voice. Her gaze swept the crowd, buried underneath the ocean of streamers yet still hopping and shaking uncontrollably.
“Are you ready to rock?!?” she shouted into the mic, stirring up the crowd. They responded with a unanimous cheer of “Yes!” and Pinkie signaled the band to start playing. The unicorns, Pinkie and Pinks, stopped sword fighting and went to their respective instruments. Pinkamena lifted her guitar to the heavens, pausing for a moment to eat the cupcake she had taped to the underside of the guitar, before lowering her instrument.
Pinkie tapped a hoof and fireworks lit the stage as the crowd roared.
She loved this job.
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
“Pinkie! Pinkie Pie! Can I ask you a question?”
“Doesn’t the fact that you and your guitarist have the same name get confusing?”
“What do you have to say in regards to the accusations of meeting in secret with Pinkie Pie?”
“Who wants a cupcake?”
Pinkie shrugged through the crowd, her security ponies keeping her safe from the reporters which she gladly ignored. One of her guards blew a streamer into a crazed fan, keeping her at bay for a moment. She tried to move faster, but the group of pink ponies pushed in closer. The light pink limo was so close- she could see the various cupcakes inside it, and the relaxing party mix she had on track, but the ponies all wanted a piece of her, or her special mix for cupcakes. She was never quite sure.
All of a sudden, Pinkie swooped in, grabbed Pinkie and made a beeline for the limo. She dumped her inside before slamming the door shut.
“Aren’t you glad I came to save the day? Again?” asked Pinkie, smugly. Pinkie gave a short frown before returning to her usual self.
“Yeah, I guess. Sometimes, I wish I had wings. I could do all sorts of things! Like, drop cakes to ponies from above! Think of the pranks!”
“I know! What do you think I do in my spare time? Besides parties, of course,” stated Pinkie. Of course, everypony knew how much Pinkie liked to throw parties. It seemed to run in the family.
“Well then, little Miss Pinkie, you’ll just have to take me next time! And Pinks and Pinkamena too! It wouldn’t be a party without ‘em!”
“Well, duh!” she pointed out. Suddenly, there were hooves banging on the window of the car.
“Can I come to one of your parties?”
“Have my foals!”
“Seriously, I have all these cupcakes! Who wants one?”
Pinkie looked out the window at the screaming fans before turning to Pinkie. They both turned to the driver, hidden behind a tinted window.
“Step on it!” They shouted, simultaneously. The car shook forwards, slinging the two ponies into their seats. Pinkie sighed, relaxed for the first time that day- no, that week! She decided to make it even more relaxing by turning on her favorite tunes, stuff she’d play at a party.
The dubstep played through the car as Pinkie drifted off to sleep, Pinkie watching from her side of the car. This would never get old.
Sure, she had only spent a week at the official training school, but she was sticking to her story.
She currently inhabited a dimly lit office on the second floor of an apartment building in downtown Manehatten. She had a short brown desk, covered in papers and the occasional cupcake wrapper. There was a small plush doll of Pinkie Pie, one of her favorite action stars from those cartoons they showed on Saturdays. It had started to gather dust, but Inspector Pinkie picked it up and brushed it off.
She remembered fondly watching that show, The Fantastic Adventures of Pinkie Pie and Co., as a young filly. Her mother would always shake her head at the antics of the pink mare on screen while eating her daily breakfast of coffee with twelve packets of sugar and a small caffeinated cupcake. Pinkie never understood it as a kid, but her mom was remembering her days as the star of the show, Pinkie and Co., of which the new show was based off.
In fact, Pinkie had never really understood her mom- she could seemingly be in ten places at once, ready to catch her for eating from the cookie jar or the waffle box. She always threw parties, even when they were low on money in her later years. It was what inspired Pinkie Pie to throw so many parties, after all. Being a detective meant nothing if you couldn’t throw parties after you found the criminal.
A knock on the door interrupted her thoughts of parties on a grander scale than she could afford. She wiped the drool that had accumulated from thinking of a cupcake the size of her office and tried to appear somewhat presentable.
“Come in!” she shouted through the door, and heard a muffled gasp on the other side. “It is you!” the muffled voice said, charging through the door. A pink mare, with puffy hair and big blue eyes, ran straight to the desk. “I saw the ad for a private eye, and then I saw your name, and I was like no way but then I saw the picture and it was totally you! And now I know!” the pink mare spilled out, her mouth coming to a stop after that whirlwind of a ride. Pinkie Pie was thoroughly unimpressed- she could beat her speaking speed any day of the week. She was about to open her mouth when she saw the pony take a short breath. “Remember me, Pinkie? It’s Pinkie!”
Pinkie’s eyes widened. This was Pinkie? Like, Pinkie Pie? She remembered her from back in elementary, when they used to play pranks on the other students and their teachers. They tended to not get in trouble, though- for some reason, all the teachers had a great sense of humor.
“Of course I remember you, Pinkie! Wow, those were some fun times at school. Remember the look on Miss Pie’s face when we-“
“-sprayed her with a chocolate hose?” Pinkie finished.
“ Pretended to have amnesia?” Pinkie suggested.
“Had amnesia?” Pinkie corrected.
“I thought we were pretending!” protested Pinkie.
“I wasn’t,” she clarified.
“Well, whatever. You seem fine now. So, what brings you here, old buddy old pal?” asked Pinkie, lounging back in her plush pink chair. It was the only thing not colored brown in the whole room, but somehow it seemed, well, browner, simply by being surrounded by the color.
“A bus, usually, but I don’t come down to this part of town very often,” she disclosed.
“No, Pinkie, I mean, why are you in my office? I have extremely important things I have to do otherwise!” she exclaimed, her eyes shifting to a small pile of uneaten cupcakes and the Pinkie doll.
“Well, I needed help with a problem I’ve been having, and I saw that you had become a private eye! So I came to you!” she told the inspector.
“I get that you have a problem- maybe a lot of problems- but could you explain it a bit more? Please?” asked Pinkie, who was by now slightly annoyed.
“Oh! Well,” she started, a little blush on her face. “I’ve got a really bad crush on a certain somepony, but I think this pony may secretly be an evil superpony with plans for world domination!” she shouted, hooves flailing wildly.
“You probably shouldn’t be going after a pony who might take over the world, silly!” Pinkie advised.
“But she’s sooo cute!” the other pony justified.
“In that case, let nothing stand in the way of true love! What if I find out she’s actually a superpony who wants to take over the world though?” questioned Pinkie.
“I’ll be her sidekick! I’ll keep her from going too crazy, you know. I wouldn’t let her be a meanie pants!” she rationalized.
“Besides, she’s waaay to nice to be anything bad! I mean, she’d be like Princess Pie! And she’s the best Princess ever!” reminded Pinkie, eyes going wide.
“I have word from an informant in Ponyville that her sister, Princess Pinkie, is actually more of a favorite among the citizens,” corrected Pinkie, casually filing a hoof.
“Woah! You have informants?” How long have you been doing this whole private eye thing?” asked Pinkie, leaning in.
“One week!” answered Pinkie, proudly.
“You must be awesome! Like, super-duper awesome! So, will you help em find out if my crush enjoys world dominating?” she inquired.
“Ok, but you have to know my fees first! A dozen cupcakes an hour, on the hour!” demanded Pinkie, standing from her chair. “And another dozen when I’m done!” added Pinkie, a maniacal look in her eyes.
“That’s a deal, Pinkie! Let’s go!” she shouted, hopping out the door. Her hoof steps reverberated on the walls, the sound waves passing through her opened door. Pinkie paused for a bit, looking at the plushie, before hopping over her desk and rushing out the door. She didn’t have time to remember about childhood TV shows now.
Pinkie Pie dashed from rooftop to rooftop, chasing after the mare that had haunted her waking life for the past months. She hopped nimbly from each precipice, timing each jump so as to strike a pose in mid air. She had a special talent for jumping- it was a wonder it wasn’t her cutie mark.
When she thought about it, though, all her friends seemed to be able to jump very well. Even Pinkie, who was probably the least fit of the six of them could jump a good ten feet if needed. Or if she felt like it. All depended on the weather.
She looked at the hopping pony in front of her, the same speed and height achieved. She was even doing poses! Was she some sort of imposter? Or, if her theory that this Mare-Do-Well really was one of friends, it could’ve been any of them! Every time she tried narrowing it down, her scope got even wider! She even had suspicions about Pinks, that pegasus who liked baking!
She couldn’t give up now, not after chasing her for so long. She upped the pace, imagining there were some pastries of a pink variety on her prey’s back. She pushed herself harder than she ever had before, forgetting to pose and instead focusing on speed. She was close now, she could feel it- but then her leg kicked back. And her head started shaking.
My Pinkie-Sense! she thought. It’s tingling!
She knew this combo from before- somepony was about to fall off a building and crash into a dumpster! She skidded to halt by the edge of the next building, but Mare-Do-Well jumped for it.
Pinkie watched Mare-Do-Well plummet to the ground, crash landing in the dumpster.
If only I could fly, she thought, but my wings have been messed up ever since that pink criminal lobbed a frying pan at me! And that was her fault! Why do I want to help her?
She must be going crazy. True, some ponies found her crazy already, but everypony was crazy these days. It came with the times. Even Princess Pie sometimes pranked the populace by turning the sun into a giant cookie, or working with her younger sister Pinkamena to lace the guards’ food with hot sauce.
She was getting off track again. Right now, for whatever reason, she had to save Mare-Do-Well. Whoever it was under that mask, dying in a dumpster was not the best way to go. She leapt down to an awning, but she slipped off the side, landing hard against an abandoned hot muffin stand. She rolled off the top, landing in the freezing snow. She rolled for a bit, the cold seeping into her pink fur. Now her hooves and wings hurt, and once again, it was all Mare-Do-Well’s fault.
She finally got to her hooves, steadying herself against the wave of dizziness that assaulted her upon standing. She could see cupcakes in the corners of her eyes, so she closed them for a bit. It was so that she didn’t see Mare-Do-Well fall out of the dumpster, but rather heard her smack against the side of the dumpster and thump into the frozen water below.
Pinkie’s eyes opened. She looked down at the pony beneath her. She looked so fragile, shivering and paralyzed by the pain. Yet the pony made no noise, no crying or grunts. She was as emotionless as the mask that covered her real face. Pinkie was putting a stop to this madness, putting a stop to it before any more ponies got hurt. She didn’t like to see hurt ponies, even ones that messed with her head.
She stumbled over to the sprawled out figure, leaning against the dumpster for support as she surveyed her defeated opponent. It looked like she had won. Now she could take off that mask, and show this mystery pony what for.
She kneeled down to the prone figure, her mane draped across her face from her impact in the snow. It would be poofed soon enough; it was of no worry to Pinkie. She was only worried of how to approach this, the right way. Should she just rip off the mask? Or was it like tape, and you had to do it slowly?
In the end, Mare-Do-Well made the decision for her. She grabbed the pink pony by the head, while her other hoof raised the bottom of her mask. Pinkie couldn’t see the mouth that was pressed against hers, but it tasted like sugar. Pure, delicious sugar. She didn’t want to pull away, and that disgusted her- for so long, she had rejected this pony’s advances, lived with knowing one of her friends wanted to hold her close and never let go.
But now she didn’t want to let go either.
Their mouths left each other, but Pinkie kept her eyes closed.
“Take your mask off. Please. I can’t take it anymore.”
Silence.
“Ok.”
It was a quiet whisper, but in the cold and soundless confines of the alley it sounded like the toll of a bell, ringing her salvation from this crazy whirlwind of chase scenes and sleepless nights. She could finally, finally figure out who Mare-Do-Well was, and maybe, just maybe, make out one more time.
She had waited long enough. She opened her eyes and looked at the pony below. She met a pink mane, blue eyes, and a hopeful smile.
“Surprised?”
Pinkie’s mouth dropped open, landing on the other pony’s chin. This couldn’t be possible. It shouldn’t.
“But… how could it be you, Pinkie? I saw you outside at that party you threw!”
“I jumped out the window and came around the side. There’s a fire escape by my bedroom.”
Pinkie pondered it. It made sense. But… Pinkie? She had always thought she had a thing for Pinkie, not her. It was shocking, but the more she thought about it, the more it made sense.
She had stopped throwing parties, and avoided her like a baked bad. She hadn’t seen her at the party, and they had barely spoken on the ride in. Pinkie had eyed her, and winked at her that one time at Pinkamena’s birthday, and had tried to eat her mane when she suggested it was actually made of cotton candy. But, any of her friends would’ve done that!
Right?
She didn’t know what to do. She was breathing heavy, laying on top of Pinkie, who was looking more and more worried by the minute.
“Pinkie, if you need to talk-“
“Pinkie? Pinkie? What are you doing out here? And why is Pinkie dressed like Mare-DO-Well? Is this a costume party you guys didn’t invite me to again? But Pinkie isn’t wearing a costume… unless Pinkie is just trying to pretend to be Pinkie and Pinkie is pretending to be Mare-Do-Well! Of course!”
Pinkie looked at Pinkie, and they both looked at Pinkie who stood by the entrance of the alley.
“Let’s just go back to the castle. I could do with a chocolate bath… and some alone time.”
Pinkie nodded in agreement. They stood up, brushed each other off, and set off into the moonlight, Pinkie behind them bouncing around suggesting new and better ideas for costumes if they wanted to have another, ‘Alleyway Costume Party at Night’ party. For the time being, they didn’t know what the future would hold. But with enough chocolate, anything was possible.
