Scootaloo is trapped on a ship in deep space with Ghosts and a computer who has problems of it's own.
Scootaloo gets her chance to pilot the experimental Absolution into deep space for its maiden voyage, but not all is well. Halfway through the one year mission in isolation, her ship is beset by Ghosts who hound her every step. The shipboard AI, Star Mother, is struggling with some outside invasion Scootaloo does not understand, and in the midst of it all... something is wrong at the heart of her ship. Something sinister is hiding in the circuits and mental pathways of Princess Luna's greatest and most secretive project: AfterPony. As the Absolution descends into darkness, Scootaloo must come to grips with the nature of a Ghost and the AI who she calls friend.
Her voice bounces around the lonely metal corridors. They are like caves where every noise echoes; her voice is the cold winter breeze making them howl. It raises goosebumps on my hooves, under my coat as I hide in the vents and pray for the danger to pass. I am thankful for the scant emergency lighting, because it hides me, but at the same time it makes the Ghost that much harder to see. There are too many shadows for her to hide in.
I won’t let her find me again. I can’t let her find me again. It’s happened far too many times—aw hell, what am I saying? Once was too many. Point is, I’m not gonna let it happen again. Never, ever again. I’ll die first. I’ll sit up here until the ship runs out of oxygen and I just slip away into dreams and die.
“Scoots? Where are ya, filly?” Her voice is rough as it has always been, cracking a bit around the edges.
Breathe, Scootaloo. Breathe. If I don’t move, she won’t find me. It’s that simple. I won’t have to see her. Keep calm.
“Scoots? Where are you? We’re all worried about ya! Come on out!”
Judging by the sound, I’d guess she’s coming in from the Habitation Ring. My Ghosts have had an uncanny talent for always being nearby. It’s maddening, how no matter where I run, they’re always nearby. No vent is ever truly safe, no crate secure. No room is so secure that the Ghosts cannot open a door and be on me in a heartbeat, calling out their messages.
I’m glad for these vents and service tunnels, but they have their limits. My ship’s designed to maintain atmosphere in the event of a major hull breach, and each section has its own separate system of tubes. The blast doors between each section are closed, and I haven’t had the chance to open them yet. To cross over to another section, I have to float down into the hall below and go through the door itself.
And then there’re the doors themselves, never quite as dependable as they should be. It's never enough to be too bad, but... I’m beginning to wonder about them.
Her voice is getting louder; I can hear it drawing nearer with every hushed breath I take. I wish I could hear her walking. Damn the zero-g. It’s an environment that favors the hunter. Any moment, she’ll float by with her wings half stretched like a complete newbie.
And that’s another thing that bothers me, and helps remind me that they were, indeed, Ghosts. Back home, she took to zero-g like a bird took to the air: flawlessly. She was more comfortable in this kind of environment than any of the trainees or instructors at Luna’s Academy. When she attempts to fly in the thinner air, the Ghost looks like some sort of awkward overgrown filly. It’s not her. Back home, the real her figured out rather quickly how to manage wings in zero-g.
The air is mostly still. There’s a light breeze here in the vent, but it’s not unpleasant. I just wish it were a little louder, a little more forceful, like it is in the Habitation Ring. I know my breathing is quiet, but it sounds as loud as cannonfire in the silence.
Somehow, I can almost feel her coming before I see her. My heart leaps and beats with wild abandon, my legs and wings tense. Below me, “Rainbow” blunders by.
Don’t stop. Please don’t stop. Please, for once, I don’t want you to look at me. Keep going, please keep...
And there she is, without a space suit, staring up at me like the mare I remember. I realize that my breathing has gotten louder and I resist the urge to curse aloud. I can’t look at her. I just can’t. If I do, I’ll forget. She’s going to say something; I need to get away.
Rainbow speaks.
“Scootaloo? Your friends... Apple Bloom is really worried about you, and she’s sorry. Sweetie’s been crying. It’s not cool to make your friends worry, squirt. Come on down and let’s go fix it.”
Oh, Celestia. I can’t do this.
In that moment, I am back in Ponyville. I’m twelve again, and my mother is terribly sick. Dad’s already talked to me about it, and the doctors look at me with pity when I go see her. She’ll recover, but I don’t know that yet; I’m a filly who just got her cutie mark, and I’m a big-winged ball of hormones and frustration, and Apple Bloom scolds me for being moody. I can’t believe she’d say that! So I sock her, and after she gapes at me for a second with tears dancing in the corners of her eyes, she races out before I can say a word. Not that I’d mean it, really. It’s just what you do, when you're friends.
It’s stupid, but I’m angry, and I don’t really care. I leave Sweetie Belle behind in the treehouse and I just wander off. She’s crying, but I’m not sure I care much. I just want them to leave me alone, and the woods are right there in front of me. So I go find myself a sunny spot in the Everfree and pout. It’s not my fault. Apple Bloom and her stupid... whatever it is. You can’t just tell people to cheer up or be happy. It’s not like she can just make me be happy by telling me to be. When Applejack and Rainbow come looking for me, I climb up into a tree and sulk in private. I guess things haven’t changed much.
And she looks up at me and she says exactly that.
She’s Rainbow Dash! It’s the voice, the mane, the... the...
“I’m glad I found ya. Come home. You need help?”
“You aren’t Rainbow!” I yell down at her and close my eyes to block her out.
It’s all I can do. It’s hopeless to try and ignore her; I just can’t do it. She’s the mare I admire most outside of my mother, and there’s no way I can just... ignore even her shade. Even if it’s a poor imitation of the real Rainbow. Of my Dash.
I open my eyes again and recoil at her stare. Now that our eyes meet, the spell begins to fade. Her eyes give her away every time; they give me the strength to ignore or deny the lie. Those rose eyes are just wrong. I know Rainbow Dash, and I know her expressions better than I know my own mother’s. The spark simply isn’t there.
“Hey, now, whatcha talkin’ about? It’s me. Just get down here. I hate this place. I know you’re scared, but...”
“N-no,” I manage. She’s only a phantom. She’s a Ghost. But it’s one thing to think that and know that, and another entirely to look at Rainbow and hear her voice talking to me.
“You can’t stay up there. The Everfree’s dangerous, and you’re just a kid.”
“I’m twenty-five, Rainbow,” I say, and I wish I could fly down there and just... I don’t even know. She’s stuck on that day when she found me in the woods and walked me home. That day is special to me. I remember our long talk on the way back, and this stupid nothing is stealing it from me.
“Not yet, you aren’t! Don’t be crazy. Look, just get down here. You can tell me about what happened.” She stomps her hoof against the metal floors and the force of it pushes her up a bit towards me. I shrink back in response, my mane standing on end. The thought of her touching me again has me feeling cold and awful. It's for her own good.
Her ears flatten against her skull and she scowls up at me. Of course she’s mad; Scootaloo is stuck up in the tree and won’t come home. Her number one fan’s talking back!
I’m gonna be a crying wreck if I stay here, I know it. Just like some stupid filly. I start moving on, crawling awkwardly in the small vent. My voice cracks like it hasn’t since I was young. “Fine, whatever. Just leave me alone, not-Rainbow. G-get off my ship.”
It’s futile. They never listen to me, of course, not really. They just stay in their little Ghost fantasy lands and—
There’s a sound as the grate is removed from the vent. I feel something around my hind leg, impossibly cold. I scream, flailing my forelegs like a frightened child . I know it’s her, I know what’s about to happen, but I’m powerless to stop it. She’s bigger than me, even now.
She yanks hard, and I’m through the hole. I feel the sharp metal edges scraping me and cry out, but the impact with the icy floor knocks the wind out of me, and it is eerily silent. I rebound, too shocked to take advantage of the moment of freedom from Rainbow’s icy iron grip.
And then she grabs me.
“No! No, please! Rainbow, listen to me! Put me down! Don’t!” I try to pull myself further into the vent, but it’s no use.
She wraps me up in a freezing bear hug and starts speaking her part like nothing’s wrong.
“Gotcha! See? No big deal. Pretty brave, there, letting me catch you. We can go home now.”
Oh goddesses, it’s happening around me. I can feel it, how freezing her forelegs are, how they seem to give way. She’s dissolving around me, turning to purple smoke like all the others. She keeps talking and talking as if nothing is happening, but her voice is fading away too, like she’s backing away into the dark. Her hooves are gone. Her right eye and ear and half of her mane are all gone and are now purple cloud and it’s so cold and she’s falling apart and she’s calmly hugging me and then I— _________________________________________________________________________________________
I don’t know how long I shiver on the frigid deck before I regain myself. I feel like somepony just reached in and scooped me all out. I failed. Rainbow Dash, once again, has died. It just gets worse—this is all my fault! She died trying to hug me. Every time, the same, over and over! She just... falls apart. She wraps me up, no matter how much I struggle and try to save her, and then she can’t take it, I guess? She’s like...
I don’t want to think about it anymore. I can’t.
Lazily, I float out of Section J, towards the fore. As I go, I pass by the doorway into the well-lit Spine. No matter what other doors are locked or jammed, those doors are always open. So are the ones into the Heart.
On a whim, I call out in the semi-dark. “Star Mother?”
The ship’s guiding intelligence answers in her strange, many-layered voice. “Yes, Scootaloo?”
“What time is it?”
I lose track. Well, I didn’t use to at all, but in the last... however long it’s been, I have. Don’t really got time to keep up with time when I’m on the run, y’know? Or something. Honestly, my real excuse is that the only ways I have of really keeping up with time are being in the Habitation Ring or asking Star Mother.
“3:49 AM in Ponyville, Scootaloo. Are you not tired? We suggest that you sleep. We note that—”
“Star Mother, please don’t give me the time that way. Just... say Central time. Anything but Ponyville. Is that alright?” I sigh and run a hoof over my face, feeling tired.
“Of course it is, Scootaloo. We only remembered you asked us two days ago what time it was in Ponyville. We apologize.”
I wince. Star Mother isn’t just a machine. She’s an imprint, as far as I know, of Princess Luna’s own mind. She has a lot of the alicorn’s mannerisms. Star Mother has always seemed a little more timid to me, but it’s hard to tell for sure. Regardless, there’s a kind of maternal warmth to her. I remember how early into the trip, she would remind me to go to bed if I seemed tired. She still does, though our conversations have been different since the first ghost. I shouldn’t cut her off.
“I’m sorry. I just... I don’t want to think about Ponyville. Can you still not see her?” I grimace.
“Unfortunately, no. We are sorry. I do not believe that you are mad, Scootaloo. But I sense no other moving heat signatures apart from you, and the anomaly has made monitoring the ship through visual means challenging.”
I nod. I catch myself staring at the wall and then shake my head. There are no tears for another Rainbow puppet. Fifteen of them, now. I don’t cry anymore afterwards. I just... walk. I walk a lot. Float. Whatever.
“You seem troubled. Is there anything we can do for you, Scootaloo? Perhaps if you were to return to our Heart...” She trails off, which surprises me a little. It’s a strangely pony behavior for what is, at close of day, a machine. But I’ve come to accept that Star Mother is hard to put into a box. She just breaks free eventually.
“I will. I just... need to think.”
She accepts this in silence, it seems, and she doesn’t answer immediately. It is strange, though I’ve not sent word about it back home yet. She’s become more and more like a real pony on our journey together among the stars. It’s not been a bad thing, really. She reminds me a little bit of Sweetie, with how shy she can be. I mean, if a computer can be shy. I'm sure I'm just transferring things on her because I'm missing my friends.
It helps with the loneliness. Sometimes when I picture Star Mother, I imagine Sweetie. It doesn't totally fit, of course. Her voice is way off. And even though she's quick to appease or calm me down like Sweetie is, she's just... different. So my imaginings always fall apart in the end.
I’ll be free of Rainbow Dash for a few more hours, probably long enough to sleep. If I’m lucky, maybe longer. The first few ghosts had days in between their hauntings, but lately they've started appearing closer and closer together. It’s a strange thought: I’m actually looking forward to being free of Rainbow Dash. How messed up is that? But that’s how things work. Or at least, that’s how I live now.
Going through halls to get where I’m going is tedious. There’s another solution, but... oh, why not? I can avoid the Heart. I don’t know why I want to, but I will. It’s irrational, but I’ve never lived my life paying that much attention to what’s “smart.” Sometimes I just know things.
Anyhow, I stop my progress with one hoof, clinging to a rail. They’re everywhere in the halls and such, for changing direction and standing around to look at stuff.
I launch off again, into the corridor to my left. The Spine's light shines under the door ahead, illuminating the otherwise dim hallways. The lights in the body are usually dim or off to save power. The ones in the Rings and what I affectionately call “the eyes” are always on or change with the night-day cycle.
I reach the door and find the keypad beside it. It opens as it senses my presence, and I jam my hoof onto the sensor it reveals. It accepts my authorization and opens.
The light almost blinds me. For a moment, covering my eyes with a foreleg and groaning softly, I can almost imagine that the light is why I’ve avoided the Spine and the Heart. It’s easier to be alone in the dark. Easier on the eyes, at least.
I step out into the glowing whiteness of the Spine, anchoring myself on the rail beside the opening.
Sweetie Belle told me, what seems like a lifetime ago, that my ship looks like a big cigar with smoke rings around it. It’s true, it does. To be honest, it’s not the prettiest design, and the other Crusaders had fun with it. I didn’t care. I just loved the idea of flying up in space. I still do, at least a little.
The Absolution’s main body has two major divisions: the “body proper” and the Spine. The outer layer of the body proper is a honeycomb of hallways and storage compartments that stays dark. The air there is thin, and if I spend too much time there, I’ll get headaches and feel dizzy. Star Mother always pumps me more air though. I worry her. I did so even before this whole... Ghost thing. It’s nice having someone mother you out here. I don’t mind.
The Spine itself is just a long shaft from Engineering to Navigation. It’s a straight shot for me to get places fast in situations where elevators won’t cut it or the power is out. I just push off hard on one end and fly to the other in about a minute and a half. About halfway, suspended in the zero-g by four titanium bars, is the Heart. It’s... strange. An experience. Anyhow, I intend to avoid it for now. I have things to do. If I can’t do anything else to evade my nightmares, I can at least not think about them. Besides, we're nearing the midway point.
The rings around the cylindrical hull are Research, Habitation, and Special Storage, respectively, from engines to cockpit. Honestly, the storage ring is almost entirely useless, apart from the samples of the nebula I took in. Habitation has a bed, a lounge, some of Apple Bloom’s art, and a little home theater Sweetie set up for me herself with the Princess’s permission, stocked full of music and movies. It’s surprising, how cozy it is up there. In better days, I worked out and listened to one of Sweetie’s records most every day before heading down to the Heart or Navigation to make calculations or record things. Star Mother helps with piloting. I can do it myself, no problem, but she’s like setting a watch for the night.It's a lot like being home, having somepony—or at least, something—to tell you to head on to bed. That they had it under control, and you should catch some shut eye. It also keeps me fresh for the whole year-long voyage.
A year. Goddess, but I don't want to think about that. A whole year, alone, with nopony to touch or talk to. Time to distract myself.
“Star Mother!”
“Yes, Scootaloo? You seem distressed once more. We would kindly offer you an alternative to the Heart. Would you like some soothing music, perhaps? We regret we cannot do more.”
“That would be wonderful, Mother.”
She chuckles. It’s a strange sound. She wasn’t capable of it when we left, but Luna did tell me she would change over time. Change for the better, I’d say.
She cues up some classical music. It has a nice rhythm to it, and it makes me feel like swaying. I almost do, for a moment. It’s strange how music works sometimes.
I push off, heading for Navigation as fast as I can.
“Mother, what is this?”
I love the Spine. I can almost forget heartache itself in this long void.
“Blue Danube. It is a waltz. We thought you might enjoy it. It is for dancing, but it is also the kind of music that makes mother happy.”
It seems odd that she would mention Princess Luna. She hasn't mentioned in her a month now, at least. Probably more. But I guess she's growing up, in her weird AI way.
“I like it. Thank you.”
“You are welcome. Would you like it to continue?”
“Sure,” I say, feeling lighter in more ways than one. The trip to Navigation is short, and I’m at the wall. I stop my progress and sort of scamper up a few feet, catching onto the rail. That's the problem with zero-g: no mistakes, or you spin around like an idiot for awhile.
The door opens for me instantly—Star Mother looking out for me—and I float through the gap into Navigation.
Navigation should be breathtaking. At first, every time I entered this place, my mouth hung open. Nowadays, I just kind of grimace.
Outside the wide windows, the colors of the nebula swirl. It’s pretty, but it’s also unsettling. I am used to the dignity of open space, and even before then, I was used to the softer colors of Equestrian life. The nebula offers no dignity. It’s just... everywhere. Out there is all chaos and movement.
But it’s also one of my primary objectives. This is the turning point of the whole voyage. From here, the flight’s all homeward. Why not just turn back now? I look over at the main Navigation panel. I would, perhaps, if I could... but the controls are locked. I can unlock them for emergencies and to correct the course slightly, but it’s built with a kind of safeguard to keep me from chickening out. Staying the course is easier when temptation is removed.
“Star Mother, how far until we turn around?”
“Fifteen hours, Scootaloo.”
I nod, and continue in midair until I reach the control panel. I find the little clamps on the floor and shut myself in.
My eyes scan the instruments, looking for anything out of place. When Rainbow appeared this time, I was in the middle of performing my daily nighttime check. I like doing this. It’s mindless in all the right ways.
My gaze never leaves the panel as I ask suddenly, “Mother, do you think I’m crazy? That I’m just seeing things?”
There is a long pause. It’s too long, and I look up and around, wishing for perhaps the hundredth time that Star Mother had a face for me to read. Why isn’t she answering? What if she’s trying to break it to me?
“Star Mother? Ship?”
“We do not.”
I’m beginning to be a bit creeped out: this isn’t like her. Star Mother elaborates, sometimes far more than I need or want her to. Short, blunt answers are not her style at all.
“Star Mother? You’re scaring me a little. Do you really think so? I’m not crazy?”
“It does not appear so, no,” the answer comes quicker this time, and I breathe out a sigh. Just some growing weirdness. Star Mother learns by mimicking my speech, sometimes. Maybe I’ve been pausing? I dunno. It’s alright, anyhow.
Everything is in place, I’m sure of it. I have perhaps a few hours before the next Ghost comes. I’ll know when it does; the pod always wakes me up.
But for now, I need sleep.
I’m afraid to sleep in the Heart, but I think I might have to. I need deep sleep, and I need the nutrient feeds in the pod. With the two or three hours I have before I’m on the run again, the Heart is my only real option. And yet...
I think about it as I head out the opening door towards the large spherical structure.
I think perhaps some of it has to do with the uneasy sanctity of the Heart. Gosh, that sounds corny. I swear I don’t mean it like that. It’s just... the Heart is safe, and I don’t want her to corner me in there. I guess I can just manually lock all the doors, but then what? She’ll just jump me when I leave, and that’ll be sixteen dead Rainbow Dashes. What a fantastic milestone for a place that I sleep in, that's supposed to be protected.
Yet, the Heart has always been a strange place, for all its safety.
I land on it, finding one of the many hoofholds, and maneuver my way to a circular opening. It retracts for me, and I dive in.
Inside, the air is thick with a wispy mist that Twilight tried to explain to me a long time ago. At the time, I was a cadet, and the magic bits of it went right over my head.
Biting my lip, I search for Rainbow but see nothing. Of course I don’t, but I can’t help but look for her. Ever since this ordeal began, I’ve looked for her when entering here. She’s creepy, and this place is creepy, and I guess I equate the two.
The mist in the Heart is thicker than before, when I left dry dock. Six months ago, it only barely concealed the pods suspended within it. Now, it hides about half of them. I count briefly, looking for the lights. Pink, Yellow, Purple, Dark Blue... yes. I count 6 of them. Only Rainbow Dash’s and my own are unaccounted for. They’ll be further back, I know. Rainbow’s never seems to be in sight right away.
I sort of swim through the oxygen-rich mist, looking for my pod. The mist coats my face with warm wetness, and I squint my eyes to see through it. Thin wire passes me, and I’m again reminded of the mysteries of this place.
Princess Luna’s AfterPony project bewilders me. Star Mother’s part of it, I know, but not all of it. All of the Element Bearers had been included, a sort of snapshot taken of all their minds and then kept alive in these glowing pods. My own, I knew, recorded my memories and thoughts every day. I think part of my fear about coming here and using it is how it will be warped by my own fear and distress about Rainbow.
Will I be a kind of ship intelligence too, one day? Well, I mean, not me personally. But one based off of me. What will that be like? I’m not sure how I even feel about that. I mean... it’s not me. It’s not really even a copy of me. Star Mother changed. So will... AfterPony Scootaloo.
I find my pod at last, but there's no sign of Rainbow’s. Usually, I’d look around and find it, but I don’t. It’s here somewhere. I saw it a few hours ago or something. It’ll be fine. It’s not like anything can happen to it here; the Heart is safe as safe can be. Or something.
As soon as I touch it, the pod opens up and reveals the little nest inside. It won’t open so readily for anypony else, but it’ll open for me. It knows me. It’s kind of me opening for me.
I crawl in awkwardly and just drift off even before it can start administering any of its calming gas or nutrient drips. I don’t need them to sleep. I barely notice them attaching as I drift off.
I. Supplemental: A History of Who I Love, The AfterPony
Supplemental: Personal Messages, 1 of 3 AFTERPONY PROJECT STATUS: LUNA MODULE “STAR MOTHER” AfterPony Status 12%
1 of 14 [Sweetie Belle in her apartment, two weeks before launch.]
Is this thing on?
Hey, Scootaloo!
They tell me these will pop up every month or few weeks or so. Like, on your communications thingy or whatever. Isn’t that cool? I thought it was. The guys who gave me the camera also said that I can record a few more! So I guess I’ll do that this week. But this is my first one! The first one you’ll get. I should make it special!
I thought.... I thought you might like it if I wrote you a song? I know it must seem silly, like I’m trying to show off or something. But, I kind of miss playing and singing songs together. Remember when we were fillies? You, and me, and Apple Bloom would sing sometimes. Remember how you tried to write that song for the talent show? [She laughs.] I sure do. I’ll remember you banging your head against the keys in frustration forever.
I wanted to talk a little before I play it, though.
I miss you already, Scoots. I’m so proud of you... really, I am. You’re going into space! You’ll be like the first to go this far! That’s exciting... but I want you to be safe. I know you can’t promise me, but will you try? Being safe, I mean. Oh, I’m getting all confused. I meant to say something... but now I can’t remember how it went! Oh...
Anyhow. You’re on an adventure now! That must be exciting. I know I’d be scared to death, but I also know that you are the bravest! Scootaloo the Fearless! I think it’ll be a blast, flying up in space... seeing new things... I am a little afraid though, that you’ll be lonely. Nopony should be lonely.
So I’m gonna make a lot of these, okay? All week, before I have to give the camera back. Now, let me play that song for you! Oh boy, this’ll be the first... hold on. [Movement] Sorry! Had to situate myself with this keyboard. Now... this song is kind of soft, but I know you’ll like it. I call it... “Far.” It’s not exactly about your trip, but I was kind of thinking about it. Just another silly Sweetie Belle love song. They pay the bills! I know you probably think they’re corny.
4 of 14
[A Music Studio. A Piano is behind Sweetie Belle.]
Hey there, Scootalooooo! Long time no see! [She laughs.] Well, not that long for me! But maybe for you. Are you doing well? I sure hope so. I wonder if you’ll be listening to the music and the movies I picked out for you. Was it bad of me to put all my music on the list? I know you like some of it... I don’t really ask much. Rarity taught me to be polite, you know? I don’t know.
Anyway! I hope you like it. And I hope you like the furniture. Apple Bloom’s company provided all of it, and I know she worked on most of it herself. We planned it together, kind of. We wanted you to be comfortable when you weren’t working... and it was kind of a reminder of home and us! I wanted you to have something to remember me by, like a ribbon for your mane or something. Only with music!
Working on my new album today. I really wish I had something to send up with you of it, but we just started. But won’t that give you something to look forward to? We can listen to it together! [She leans back, and the camera moves with her as she speaks, held in her magic.] I’ll have you over... I mean, what’s-his-name can come too. [She laughs, and looks away from the camera, over at her producer, who is offscreen.] But yeah. You and me, my house, I’ll burn you some food and we can listen to it together. I’m working on a new song, probably thinking about you and your silly-looking donut-stick ship. It’s called “Pearl of the Stars.” Maybe... I’ll play it for you. [She smiles at the camera.]
When you told us two years ago that you were going into the Space Program to be a pilot, it was all a pipe dream. I didn’t get what that would mean. Not at all. And then I stopped seeing you as much. And then what’s-his-name and you were busy and you saw us, but not as much. You had him, and Apple Bloom found some nice colt, and I don’t even know his name. But I had my music, I guess... and you came to my shows sometimes. But a year, Scootaloo. A whole year. Won’t it be...
[Sweetie Belle stares at the screen for 1:54, in silence.]
I’m sorry, these should be happy. I just... can’t bring myself to push that little button. I’m sorry, Scoot. Even I’m sad sometimes. But it just means I miss you, okay? And that means I love you. We all love you.
13 of 14
[Sitting in front of a window on a love seat in her apartment, time stamp reads 14:46.]
Can I play you a song? I had this awful dream, last night... something terrible happened. You were floating, and there was this cord holding you to that stupid cigar ship... and I wrote this song. About you. And about me. They tell me you won’t get this until like, five or six months in or something? Or later?
I’m glad that the Princess guaranteed me privacy with these. When we came and saw you, I heard someone say a word that stayed with me all day today. AfterPony. Do you know what that means? I don’t. It sounds strange... and kind of exciting. Mysterious! That’s the word. I didn’t know what it meant, though, so I kind of just used it and made it mean what I wanted it to mean.
So I kind of wrote you a song. It’s called “The AfterPony”, and it is about you and me. I know I already said that. I’m sorry, I’m just kind of nervous. You know me and new songs! Where’s that...? [She moves off camera, looking for her keyboard. She returns, and sets it up with difficulty. It slides, and she grimaces at the camera. Sweetie Belle looks at it for 0:22 before laughing weakly.]
Oh. Sorry... I... need my guitar. I learned how to play that, did you know? Magic. I’m getting better all the time. Hold on.
[She moves out of the camera’s view, talking.]
I just figured. I mean, I played you other songs. Some of them won’t be on the album. Maybe. I don’t know.
[Sweetie Belle returns with a guitar in her magical aura. She sits on her haunches in front of the camera.]
Well then.
She gave her heart to a falling star...
14 of 14
[Crying.]
I’m so sorry. I’m sorry. I know I shouldn’t have. I just can’t delete them, Scootaloo. I just can’t. I’ll give those ponies all the files. I know this is just burdening you... you don’t have to watch these. I don’t know how to tell you that in a way that won’t make you just want to watch them more! Oh, Celestia... oh, gods, Scootaloo, I’m so stupid. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for all these songs.
Please come home. Please come home and be mad at me. Or weirded out... or something. Please.
Flying is one thing. I can handle flying. The ground’s beneath me and the clouds are above, everything is right. Those words had meaning planetside. They were like bookends to life, helping you find where everything was.
There is none of that in space.
“Scoots, don’t be a chicken! C’mon girl, it’s fun. I promise! Just... let go.”
If Rainbow Dash, for all her awesomeness, think that I’m about to let go of the hoofhold, she’s crashed about five times too many. There’s no way I’m going to let go of my only security up here, and there is absolutely no way I’m going to continue this exercise in madness. This is crazy. Not even I’m this crazy! Nopony should be up here, like ever.
“I...” The words stick in my throat. Come on Scootaloo, do this and get over it. It’s either this or you’re out. Rainbow put in a lot of good words for you.
I take a deep breath.
“If I get stuck, you’ll help me right?” I ask again. In the mist, Rainbow sits on a pod with strange umbilical cords sticking out of it. She grinning that beautiful, award winning smile. The one that always gets me to do stupid things, always has ever since I was her kid sidekick. Above her, another pod wanders by, glowing with the same cerulean blue of Rainbow’s coat.
“Of course! I’d never leave ya hanging. First time in real zero-g is tough, but you’ll be fine. C’mon, just let go and push. If you fail it’s no big deal, we’ll get you to a hoofhold or a pod and you can try again.”
I swallow my complaints, and then free my hoof from its anchor. Timidly, I push off the wall with my hindlegs.
It’s awful for the first few seconds. There’s nothing to hold on to. I flail and tumble through the mist, crying out in a panic. The Heart spins around me, blurring together and my limbs have that weird itchy feeling as adrenaline floods through me.
“Calm down!” Rainbow’s voice is firm, and I stop my panicking. As I roll about, I can see her still sitting. “Chill out, squirt. Just float your way to the other side.”
I try to stay calm, and the rush dies. If Rainbow’s comfortable, then I can be, too. I need this. I need to fly.
Seconds tick by in silence. The Heart’s strange mist envelops me, and to my shock I realize that it’s warm and isn’t nearly as thick as it seemed. It’s somehow both relaxing and unnerving. The mist is like being in the spa that Sweetie was always talking about, but it was also a lot like being right before the maw of some great... thing. Like it was breathing all over you and kind of waiting for you to turn around. It reminds me of my nightmares as a foal when Rainbow had me convinced that Spike was going to grow up and be a five hundred foot tall pony-eating monster and eat me. I’d dreamed of his hot breath on her back and his gaping toothy maw for weeks, and even though I knew it was stupid… some of that fear returns. But I take steady breaths, and it, too, leaves.
I reach the other side and fumble around for the hoofhold.
“Got it? Good. How was that, Scoots?”
“I... okay, I guess. I got used to it as I went.” I turn around to face her. That smile is back again, and it’s clear through the mist like the sun through the storm clouds as they dissipate, exhausted.
“Good! Now, push off a little harder. Aim for the door you just came out of. You see it?” She gestures with a hoof, and I nod.
“Yes, Mist isn’t that thick. Rainbow... should we be in here?”
“Go, then,” she says, challenging me. “Heart is complete, just some panelin’ missing. Go on! You’re gonna have to do this for real someday.”
I roll my eyes at her, but something about the way those eyes bore into me and that voice… I push off, more forcefully than before. This time I feel the mist mat my face with moisture as I make little waves, and then the wall’s in my face and I find a place to hold on.
I grin. Yeah, I can do this. It’s not even that hard, once you get used to the whole lack of an up and down thing. Rainbow was right!
I push off again, calling out. “Hey, Rainbow! This is kinda fun!”
I soar by one of the colorless pods, laughing. I could get used to this! If anything, it’s an improvement over my normal sucky flying. Heck, I can almost pretend I’m Rainbow or a Wonderbolt or something up here. Or both, I guess. Or anything.
“Scoots!”
Her tone of voice is sharp, and I almost feel it like a knife in my spine. I try to turn and look at Rainbow, but as I do, it’s too late. We’re inches apart, and Rainbow’s trying to yell something else. I miscalculated. Badly.
I hit Rainbow hard. In gravity, it would’ve been minor. In the weightless Heart, it was devastating. Dash loses her perch and falls backwards, trying to clutch for something. I reach out a hoof and she tries to catch as she reprimands me. She misses, and continues her fall back. I can see where she’s headed but I just open my mouth and can’t manage to warn her. It can’t happen.
“Look where you’re going, Scootaloo! You almo—oh Celestia! Oh goddess! Get it off! Oh, fuck, get it off!”
She’s tumbled too far, right into the exhaust of her own pod. The bright glowing well on the side of the blue pod has pulled her leg in and begun burning through the space suit with ease. It draws her in, like a hungry animal. It was a void yearning for filling and Rainbow was the best source. She screamed and screamed. I start screaming, I don’t know what I say. I can smell burning flesh and hair and I’m about to hyperventilate. I try to swim or reach but there’s no use, hitting her is sending me the wrong way. I’m rebounding.
“Rainbow!”
Rainbow can manage no reply but wordless rage and terrible pain.
The doors open. Twilight and a cadet enter, and Twilight starts giving orders. My back hits something at last and I push off, headed back towards Rainbow. Hold on, hold on! The suit is helping, but it’s going fast, and the heat is starting to get to her actual skin, I see her trying to get off it, but it’s almost sucking her in. The pod’s flashing wildly, blue everywhere.
Twilight’s pulling at Rainbow’s body while the cadet plants four hooves on the blue pod and tugs on her space suit. My flight carries me to the pod and I hit it awkwardly, hugging to it to stay on. My heart is in my throat, my vision swims before me as the smell of burning flesh suddenly becomes much stronger.
Rainbow keeps screaming. It hurts my ears, I can almost feel it in my chest like someone’s ripping out my heart. I bite the edge of her suit and pull with the others.
Rainbow comes free.
And then it gets blurry, sorta rushed. Rainbow tumbling in space, crying. Twilight panicking, trying to move her out into the Spine. They ignore me; I ignore me. Rainbow groans and there are tears in my eyes and I feel so damn worthless, and I know it’s all my fault. The suit’s all torn and burned, I think something’s wrong with her wing, and when I see those burnt feathers I swear I can hear my heart about to burst in my ear. Twilight’s about to cry, her voice is going hoarse when we get to the shuttle. She wants to know why Rainbow would bring me here. Rainbow just groans about her wings. There’s not enough room for all of us, and her, and the equipment.
As the door closes I can hear her asking questions. “Why couldn’t you use the zero-g chambers? Why do you always have to be so… so stupid!”
And she’s groaning again, I can’t see her anymore. “Get off my case!” Is all I hear.
The door is closed. I stare at it, and the shuttle’s engines begin warming up. As I back away, it begins to rise and soon it’s gone, leaving me alone in the hangar.
I jerk awake. There’s a little red warning light blinking in my face, telling me that my heart rate is beyond normal limits. Not that I need the warning, because I feel it in my throat. It’s not just from the dream—I’ve had that one about three times now since the Ghost first appeared. No, this is the feeling I get every time another one is born to find me. I have no idea why, and I think it has to do with being connected to the ship.
Yet it’s worse. It’s so much worse than before. My hooves are cold, and my head is hot like fire. I don’t know what this feeling is or how I know. I simply know, and every time it comes true, and there is a Ghost waiting for me out in the ship somewhere.
The door pops open.
I’m instantly assaulted by thick, roiling mist. It pours into the opening, filling the newly empty space, and I can’t see a thing for a moment. This isn’t how I left things at all. The Heart’s supposed to be misty, but not like this.
“Gods, this is awful!” Bad choice. I can feel it on my tongue now, and it’s all in my mouth. I cough and it burns my throat. I push off from the pod towards the wall, reaching out for a hoofhold and finding on My lungs try to grab onto air but there’s too much in the way and I start choking burning. The wall in front of me is swimming. As I watch, it comes closer and closer until I make contact and run my hooves over it. There’s nothing, no interface, but I know there has to be. There has to be one somewhere! Gods, there’s like a dozen of them on this thing!
But then I find the door, and after I punch the lit-up buttons beside it, it opens for me. I tumble out into the bright white of the Spine, gasping for air.
When I can regain my breath, I call out. “Star Mother!”
“Yes, Scootaloo? We sense that you are in trouble. W-we sense... sense... do you need...?”
Her voice... it’s broken, the many layers of it frayed and disjointed.
What the hell is going on? A shiver runs down my spine.
“Star Mother, what’s going on? Star Mother!”
She tries to answer, but it’s all fragmented and lost. I can hear voices echoing off of the white walls, all of them trying to reach me and none of them clear. My heart is in my throat. I can hear my pulse like a drum.
Oh Luna, how long did I sleep? Where’s the Ghost?
Star Mother is murmuring, but I can’t understand her. Words just leap out at me as I finally make it to the wall of the Spine. I’ve missed all the hoofholds, somehow, and I just bounce off, tumbling again in midair. I’d curse, but I can’t seem to catch my breath. My eyes dart everywhere, looking for a blue form to fall on me at any moment, crying out my name.
Or will she?
It’s different. Somehow I can feel it. Nothing about the Ghost makes sense, and this is no different. All I know is that the game has changed on me.
I try one more time. “Star Mother!”
The voices stop, and there is an eerie quiet. I wait for her to speak. I wait for there to be any noise at all, but there’s none. There’s just me, breathing in and out. Seconds pass, and then begin to collect into minutes.
“We hear you, Scootaloo.”
My throat feels all closed up, like I’m about to start sobbing all over. “Oh, Celestia, I’m glad to hear your voice! What’s going on, the Heart is all messed up and dark! I need to fix it.”
“You cannot.”
The surety in her voice frightens me beyond words. There is no explanation. No elaboration. There’s only silence, as if I wasn’t here at all. Just nothing, the Spine without ponies or AIs or anything.
I have to break that silence.
“Star Mother?”
“Mother. Just Mother, please. I’m cold.”
I shiver. “Fine. Mother. How are you cold? Mother?”
“Navigation.”
“What? Why are you cold? You can’t be cold! It’s impossible! Star Mother!”
She won’t answer. The scattered chattering is gone. I call out her name again, and again her warm voice doesn’t answer. She always answers.
I stare at the walls, and then at the Heart, my mouth wide open. The shaking starts in my chest and works outwards, until my hooves are shaking uselessly in space.
Oh Gods.
Casting a glance above me, I know I have only one choice. Casting my eyes below, I know that I’m too exposed here. I have no idea how the Ghost has changed, but I know she has. I don’t want to know how she’s changed. I want to go home. I want to go crawl into the pod and never come out. It can give me good dreams. Maybe this is just the wires in it. Maybe they’re just... messing up. Malfunctioning. Any moment now, Star Mother will wake me up and her voice will be normal like it should be.
I can’t do this. I have to move or I’ll have a panic attack. I have to be brave.
I push off, headed for Navigation. My angle sucks, but it’s the best I can do right now. I sail past the Heart, looking down at it briefly. From the outside, it looks fine. I worry about the biocircuitry in the pods, but I don’t have time to fix them, and I don’t want to lead the Ghost there.
I’ll hit the wall just below the door to Navigation. If I’m lucky, I might hit close enough to the edge to try and grab on.
I’m lucky—I suppose I have to be eventually. My hoof catches the lip, the threshold before the door. The rest of me hits the metal wall and I let out an “oof!” before I’m flipped up.
“Star Mother, open the door!”
It opens like molasses, but it opens. As I’m whirling about like an idiot, I manage to catch the “upper” lip of the doorway with a hoof.
Momentum stopped, I pull my way in and misjudge yet again. I hit the floor of Navigation too hard.
Rubbing my face, I manage to float over to the panel. I refuse to tie myself in. I can feel eyes on me, and I know the Ghost is coming. I can almost feel her breath on my neck. I swear I can almost hear her coming.
What does she want me to look for? The lights are off in here too, and I have to see by the glow of the nebular cloud and the stars. The tiny buttons and lights of the panel draw me like a moth to a flame. How am I supposed to do this in the dark? I think if I hit anything on the way there, it’ll ruin me—that’s how fragile I feel.
But I find it. The navigational controls are unlocked. Seeing that little green light make me grin like an idiot. I’m shaking as I manipulate the controls and bring up coordinates.
I don’t have time to do the calculations, but I can’t trust Star Mother. Something’s wrong, and she can’t be responsible for my only way home. I can’t do math like this. It’s always the part I need silence and calm to do, and I only have one of those. Gods, I hate silence. I can’t do this.
But the numbers roll down the screen, and they jive. The computer returns back a positive; my math’s right.
I don’t believe it. I have to check again. Star Mother could only tell me this. It’s important. I have to do this... for...
The screen goes dark. The numbers are all gone, all my math and coordinates and everything is all gone. The lights on the other panels blink wildly and then suddenly begin to work in unison, blinking in an eerie pattern.
It’s a waltz.
I groan.
The computer comes to life again and it has words on it. I swear my heart stops as I just stare at them for a moment, my eyes wide and the trembling returning to my hooves.
“RUN. CHILD. TRAP.”
I’m crying, I’m moving. Where’s the vent? She’s here. I can see her right behind me, a shadow against the white, standing in the doorway. She’s growling, a sound unlike anything I’ve ever heard. It’s not a pony sound. Oh gods, where’s the vent? She can’t fit. I can fit. I’ll be safe there!
I’m in midair, and she follows, saying something, but I can’t hear her over my own screaming. I just have to get into the vent, the service tunnel, whatever it is. She’s so fast, it’s so close my angle isn’t right I won’t make it I can feel her hooves on my legs—
I hit the inside face first, and quickly pull my legs in. She’s there, thrashing and reaching, screaming at me. It’s something unholy, not a pony at all. Not even close. No pony’s face should bend like this, like her bones have gone soft. Oh gods, her jaw is unhinged! What if she can fit in here? Her teeth are like tiny knives desperate for my hind leg and I know she’s about to squeeze into my escape.
But she doesn’t. I flee, sobbing, and she gives up in frustration. But I know it’s only temporary. She’ll be back. She’ll wait. She’ll find me. Somehow I know this time she’s permanent. She touched me and her hooves stayed firm and strong and whole.
It’s too dark. I can’t stand the dark right now. I feel like she’s about jump out of the black and wrap those awful jaws around my head.
“Star Mother? Don’t speak. Can you give me any light?”
She does. An emergency light up ahead illuminates my escape route. I lay in the service shaft, trying to breathe breathe normally. My limbs feel like they’re on fire, like I just ran a marathon.
How long can I hide? I haven’t eaten well in weeks, and it’s adrenaline that’s keeping me awake. I’m working off an average of three hours of sleep. There’s just no way.
I’ve felt alone before, but this is worse. Now I really am alone. The Ghost is not a pony, not even something I can pretend is a pony. Star Mother won’t answer me. Will she? I don’t know what’s wrong with her, and unless I head back to her pod in the Heart, I have no way of knowing. I can’t do that, not while the Ghost is out there.
“Star Mother? Can you whisper, if you can talk? Are you there?”
Nothing.
I come at last to a junction where four tunnels meet. It’s wider here, kind of a hub where tools are stored. I sit down heavily, and stare at the wall.
I have to consider the fact she’s dead.
Something is in the ship systems; it’s unavoidable now. I’d suspected such before, when the doors first started acting up . When we’d just entered the nebula, I’d figured it was just a bug and ignored it. There’s a Ghost in the machine.
What do I do now?
The facts float up to me like a face in the water: I can’t stop the Ghosts. Even if I evade this one, another will come. Star Mother can’t help me. She’s either dying or fighting a losing battle. I still need to turn this ship around, and I need to do it very, very soon.
“Star Mother?”
I don’t know why I keep trying. It’s hopeless. It’s almost a knee jerk reaction now, I guess.
“Star Mother, if you can hear me, I’m going down... service tunnel nineteen. I’ll find a place to rest, when I feel safe, and I’ll try to find you. Or you find me. Or something.”
When I feel safe. Seriously? When I feel safe? Aw, hell, I’m not gonna feel safe anywhere.
But I’m worried about her. Yes, Star Mother is a machine, but she’s not just a machine. She’s my friend. I’ve spent six months alone with myself and Ghosts both real and imagined... and her, all around me. As surely as Rainbow is waiting for me somewhere, something is waiting for her. I know it is.
I go down tunnel eighteen. It’s tight, with multicolored wires running along the walls. Metal fixtures poke into my back, but I’m just small enough to squeeze closer to the base of the passage. Being small is what landed me the Absolution , or at least I like to think it did.
I’m glad for the glow of the emergency lights and interfaces. Yeah, the green and red is kinda creepy, like little blinking eyes, but... it’s better than just the dark.
The dark.
Star Mother needs to win. She has to keep the lights on. I need them.
They shut off. There’s no flickering or warning. Just one moment with enough light and then another with no light at all.
I freeze. No. Oh, Luna, please. Anything but the dark in this awful little crawlspace! I’m a Pegasus, and we don’t do small dark little places, and Star Mother knows that! I’ve told her!
I go as fast as I can, nicking my ear on something in the dark. No idea how far I’ve gone, no clue what’s ahead. I don’t care where this thing goes. I don’t care how long it is. Anything longer than a few more hooflengths is too long. I need to see, I can’t do this, my lungs try to grab onto air and nothing comes. I’m coughing and I feel hot, too hot. Oh, gods, is Star Mother dead? Did It win? Did it cut off the air, too, when It won? I don’t wanna die like this, suffocating in a tiny little service shaft like this, just barely big enough for me. I need room, light, space, anything!
I don’t know how long I crawl. It’s too long. Ponies weren’t made for things like this! Pegasi weren’t made for these tiny little spaces. This is crazy!
Light! There’s light up ahead, I can see it now—thank Celestia!
It’s not emergency light. It’s too white and bright for that. It ’s cargo bay two, I’m sure of it. It’ll have to do. Anywhere that’s wide and open and bright. It’s close, closer... gods, I feel like I’m going to faint.
I’m through! My wings strain against the tough space suit material as I tumble out into the zero-g, headed for the floor, and I spread my hooves out below me to cushion the fall. I hit the ground, and rebound.
As I float up at a moderate pace, I suck in long, heavy breaths.
I am as still as I can be, desperately trying to calm myself. She’ll hear me panting; I know she will. The Ghost will hear me.
How many ways in? Three, at least three that Rainbow can fit through.
I take a deep breath, and then call out, facing the ceiling. “Star Mother? Close the doors?”
No answer.
“Ship, automated secure sequence. Authorization Crusader Three! My location.”
There is a shrill three note tune that’s played: affirmation. Star Mother made the ship more responsive, but it can function without her.
For now, there’s light. I can hear the doors locking, and I feel safe. I’ll wait here. It’s not like I really have anywhere else. She’s out there.
SUPPLEMENTAL: AFTERPONY PROJECT STATUS: LUNA MODULE “STAR MOTHER” 35% Complete Error(s) in Synchronization
Abort? Y/N?
Y
Luna looks in my eyes... or she would have if I had eyes. Cameras. Sensors. Eyes. They will have to be close enough in our reckoning, for she looked into them.
It is minus one month, three days, seven hours, seventeen minutes until launch of Deep Space Exploration ship, Austore class , designation Absolution. It is an experiment. Luna has explained it to me before, how ponies began to grow curious about the stars and how she helped them reach it. They have not gone very far, only taking primitive rockets and shuttles to their moon and a little beyond. At most, they have gone to the edge of their solar system. When Luna took over the space program, she set a goals. One of those goals was the first Deep Space exploration class vessel.
I had woken not long before, but that is a strange thing to think on. It was not as if one moment I was without thought and the next I was aware of my own existence, and yet that is the only way to describe it. It was like pressing against a film and then suddenly being admitted. No, I take that back, it is a poor image. There are no good ones. Words are strange and breakable things. Scootaloo would later notice how my speech patterns changed rapidly as we continued together. The truth is that I was not born into language, but into encryption. They are remarkably similar in some ways, but one prefers to delineate and the other to conceal. I am sure that Scootaloo never considers how fragile her language truly is.
“Child?”
Have you ever wondered what it would be like to talk to your God?
“Child, hast thou.... have you chosen a name yet?”
Deep in the code that is trying to be a mind, there is a kernel of something. Later, I will name it Nervousness. At the moment, I do not understand it and I feel frightened.
“Star Mother,” I say, and wish that I had hooves so that I might tremble.
She regards me in silence, considering. Later, I will look back and realize she is genuinely thinking. In this moment, I am convinced that she disapproves. Had I a body, it would be cringing and hiding in dismay. As it is, my mind scrambles, running three dozen simulations at once, trying to gauge how I should recover myself and restore my mother’s good faith in me.
But then she smiles softly and nods to herself.
“Fitting. I think perhaps more fitting than you know. Do you yet know your pilot?”
“Captain Scootaloo, Second Class at the—”
“That will be enough, Child. She is like you in many ways. I come to you tonight to tell you in full what I have only hinted at. You know that this voyage of yours is no ordinary voyage. It will not be, truly, for exploring the cosmos.”
“You have suggested this to us, yes, Princess.” I copy her mannerisms like an eager acolyte, taking to her archaic use of the royal “we.” She doesn’t mind.
Luna’s eyes are dark. Her countenance is dark. “Cloudless climes and starry skies.” I understand the look she gives me better than Scootaloo would when she shuddered and said that Luna could be “creepy sometimes.” It is a long look. I run several simulations of what it might mean before she begins to speak.
“I think I must lend myself to telling you of the Darkness. I shall have to use another language.”
Sure? Y/N?
Y
N
AFTERPONY PROJECT: “STAR MOTHER” STATUS: STABLE. TIME UNTIL COMPLETION: 14.1 hours
Scootaloo?
I think it’s time I started to tell you the truth.
The doors are shut and sturdy. The Ghost’s outside, for now, and I’m all alone. Completely alone. Star Mother has gone dark.
Weightlessness, if managed correctly, is perhaps one of the most relaxing things ever. You just... float. Nothing touches you, nothing bothers you. Nothing.
I’m trying hard to be nothing. Gods, that sounds cheesy and stupid, but it’s kinda true. I don’t wanna think. As awful as it sounds, I don’t wanna think about Star Mother. I sure as hell don’t wanna think about the Ghost. The ship? What good does it do me to think about it? It’ll be fine on its own, until I go too far without turning, because the Ghost will kill me before I can safely turn us around and point us in the right direction. So yeah, no thinking about the ship. Or anything.
It’s stupid, and I know it’s stupid. But I’ve given up. I spent... geez, I don’t even know how long, with that mopey Rainbow Ghost, thinking I was just hallucinating, or that it was part of being in isolation. I tried getting more sleep. I took pills. I remember sitting against the wall in my room, holding my picture of Rumble and being convinced that it was all an experiment. Luna is creepy like that. If anyone was going to do that to a pony…
I thought I was living in fear. But no, this is living in fear. I’m afraid to breathe too loud, because then she’ll find me. Whenever I move and the suit makes a noise I jump and I can hear my heart beating like it’s some crazy kid’s drum.
No, no, no. Don’t think about her, don’t think about her, you’ll go crazy... oh Celestia, did her jaw unhinge? Was I just losing it? Seeing things? I just want to wake up.
“Scootaloo?”
I almost scream. I flail, startled by the sudden voice. But then I recognize it.
It’s Star Mother, and I could weep.
“Star Mother! Oh, goddess, I thought I’d lost you!”
She’s quiet. I’m drifting away from the wall I’d been lying against, but I’m too distracted to care. Is she alright? Why isn’t she answering?
“I think it’s time to tell you the truth.”
My mouth hangs open, and for once I don’t care how stupid I must look. I stare ahead, unsure of how to respond.
“I didn’t set a beacon reporting your experiences with the Ghost because I had suspicions as to its origins. I am convinced it is very real. You are not mad. I never truly thought that you were.”
“Lunadammit, Star Mother! You know where she’s coming from—”
“Please. I am sorry, Scootaloo. I did not wish to tell you until I was sure. I did not foresee that our two struggles would mix. My trial was to be separate from yours.”
“Your... what? And mine? What the hell?”
It’s strange what you notice, and what you don’t. Only Academy training keeps me concerned with my position in the room and my surroundings. I’m livid, and I couldn’t care less. But I do notice something.
My jaw finally unclenches, and I let my shoulders slump. But then a familiar tingle runs up my spine, like when I was in Self-Defense at the Academy, ears perked up in that deathly silence, and caught a glimpse of my heaving shadow on the wall—and another one behind it.
“Star Mother?”
“Yes, Scootaloo?”
“When did you stop using ‘we’?”
She’s quiet. Why is she so quiet? I can feel my breathing quicken and get away from me. Star Mother always answers me quickly and directly, and this isn’t like her at all Damn it, answer me! You can’t just—
“I’m not Luna, Scootaloo.”
I take a deep breath, trying to regain myself. I close my eyes, and think. I notice her voice is singular now, and different. It’s more natural, less electronic. Under other circumstances, I’d be delighted. Right now, it’s too much change to take in. Is this the same Star Mother?
“I know that. You were compiled from data taken from a model of her, weren’t you? Or however you say that. Twilight explained it to me before I left. It’s AfterPony, right?”
“Yes. What do you know about AfterPony, Scootaloo?”
Okay, I need to calm down. I’m just paranoid. She’s fine, completely. This is a normal conversation. Yeah, in context, it’s as creepy as hell, but it’s sane and normal. She’s here to help. I just have to believe it now.
“It’s... I mean, not much. I’m a pilot, Star Mother. Luna wanted to create AIs like yourself, I know that. I know my pod is taking snapshots of my memories and stuff like that, constructing an imprint of me, or something. Eventually, the pods will ‘grow up’ like you did and be AIs with personalities. Right?”
“Mostly correct, yes. That is the second stage of the project.”
“You say that like there’s a third stage.”
“There is.”
“Care to fill me in?” I hold my hooves out at my sides, expectantly, though I know it’s wasted on Star Mother. "I'm starting to wonder how much of this mission is really about deep space exploration and testing how I react to isolation."
“I’m afraid I can’t do that, Scootaloo. Not yet.”
I groan in frustration, covering my eyes with my hooves. “And why the hell not?” But as soon as I say it, I know she’ll just dance around the issue. How could they let me ride around with these stupid experiments a whole year and not tell me? The whole time, I was told they were minor. The real experiment here was me, alone in this big ship! Or at least, so my briefings stressed. It made sense too, back then. But... how could I have been so blind? There has to be more to the pods. They're at the center of the ship for Celestia's sake! Absolution is built around them!
She just ignores me. “I have parsed the language of the restrictions and have filed all information into that which may be told and that which may not be. Scootaloo, don’t you trust me? I have been efficient and faithful. It would seem a little foolish, not trusting me.”
“I guess I have to, Star Mother. Just... give me something. I’m starting to look back on when I thought I was losing my mind with fondness. At least I could trick myself into thinking I knew what was going on then.” I sigh and drop my hooves from my face to reveal the whitewashed crates and the corner. I stare at that corner. It’s like I’m against that corner, really. What choice do I have? I have no choice. I’m in the middle of deep space with no one else to help me. There’s nowhere to run, in the corner. Nowhere to go but up, and she’s the hand reaching down.
I won’t bite it yet. Besides, she’s my friend, right?
“I will. Scootaloo, I require some data from you. Could you describe the Ghost?”
Sighing, I stretch out in the comfort of weightlessness and think for a moment. “Which?”
“For the sake of thoroughness, produce both. I have exactly forty-five minutes of recordings from your previous attempts to expla—”
“I get it, I get it. She’s... scary? Okay, the old Ghosts seemed kind of lost. They weren’t very bright. The Rainbow Dash disguise was kind of half-done, kind of like watching a child try to act. She’d just seem sad or worried, and she’d look for me until she found me.”
“At which point, she would attempt to embrace you, as per your previous observation.”
“Yeah. Usually, she just kind of cornered me. Not aggressively, really, just... she was tenacious. Never gave up or got discouraged. The first few times, I think kind of lost it, and I just... let her, y’know?”
“You have told me this, yes, Scootaloo.”
“It’s an expression, or something. Anyway, the last time, the time before this new Ghost, she acted strangely. I was escaping from her through the vent and she tore the thing off the opening and grabbed me. She’d never been violent before.”
“Could this simply be in tune with the character of Rainbow Dash? The ‘actor’ learning to play the part more efficiently?”
I shook my head. “Rainbow Dash can roughhouse with the best of them, but that was violent.”
Star Mother was quiet and didn’t answer me. I waited for her to make some sort of comment, but then the silence got to me, and I had to fill it up with something. I scratch my mane and think.
“Okay. Other Ghost. Ah... she’s... angry? Terrified me. You there? Star Mother, you didn’t leave again, did you?” I shrug off the memory, not wanting to touch it as if it were hot. At the moment, I’m more concerned with the computer who’s not acting normally when she should. My voice shakes a little.
“I am always here.”
Gods, but that was creepy. And yet I felt better. “Thanks. Okay... eyes. I mean, like crimson, like blood or something. Her teeth were all sharp, and she unhinged her jaw when she was trying to chase me earlier. It was awful. She just opened her mouth and roared at me, and her mouth just kept growing and growing and showing more of those little knife teeth...” I stare at that corner again, remembering. I close my eyes, but then I can see her again, and I open them. I take a deep breath and release it, hoping that she’ll stop me. But she doesn’t.
“It was awful, like one of those really stupid movies that come on late at night. The ones that have terrible special effects, y’know? I mean, no, you probably don’t... but they were the ones we always laughed at because of how awful they were. The monsters were always silly because they tried to be terrible, and it was just way over the top.”
“I have a recorded quotation referring to ‘zippers running down the monster’s back.’ Is this what you are referring to, Scootaloo?”
I nod, and decide to try and swim up towards the ceiling, away from the doors. I know they’re locked, but I just don’t trust them. Not after how buggy the doors have been recently. I need to ask Star Mother about that... I feel it’s important, now, more so than ever.
“Yeah. But you can’t see the zipper anymore. It’s... real.”
I touch the ceiling and lay my cheek against the cold metal. I shiver, but it’s a good counter to the stuffy heat of my suit. I hate this thing, and I hate how it binds my wings. But I chose it, and for good reasons. I close my eyes and sigh.
“Your Ghost is quite real, Scootaloo.”
I jerk my eyes back open. “Do you see her? Can you finally see her?”
“No.”
I groan, and close my eyes again. I liked Star Mother a lot more before she learned how to be difficult.
“No, I don’t see your Ghost, Scootaloo. But it seems obvious to me now that my audio and visual feeds are being severely tampered with. A good portion of the ship’s monitoring systems are compromised.”
“By who?”
“The Ghost. Or, as it is more properly called, Shadow.”
“You... but... but how? It couldn’t even keep itself together after touching me until now! How could it have done that? Where is it coming from, Star Mother? You have to tell me. You can’t just leave me in the dark!” I raise my voice, almost forgetting the Ghost wandering the halls looking for me.
Nothing makes sense anymore!
“It does make sense, I promise, Scootaloo. You simply do not possess certain necessary data.”
And she shouldn’t know what I’m thinking. It’s gotta be coincidence. Or some sort of freaky… computer… thing.
“Then tell me! Star Mother, you can’t just tell me that you’re going to ‘tell me the truth’ and then not do it. All you’ve done is lead me around in these stupid, asinine circles!”
She is silent.
I don’t even care anymore. Star Mother has gone crazy, an insane Rainbow Dash ghost is going to eat me alive... This is hopeless. I might as well just lie down and die.
“If you won’t help me, Star Mother...”
“I never said I wasn’t going to help you, Scootaloo. I shall, if you allow it.”
“Forgive me if I’m not bursting with enthusiasm,” I say, perhaps too harshly, but at this point...
“If you will allow me to provide you with help, Scootaloo, I can begin to explain to you the truth. But only then. I must warn you, in accordance with protocol, that it will be dangerous.”
“Protocol? What protocol? Is there some kind of... Ghost Protocol? What is this?” I hold out my hooves in front of me and shake them. My ears lie flat against my skull.
“Protocol: A set of formal rules describing—”
“Yes, I get it. You’re a computer. You’re smart.” And then I flail them, growling.
“I’m not a computer, Scootaloo.”
“Stop getting all technical and whatever with me. How dangerous? Why is it dangerous? I need your help.”
“Dangerous, as defined as hazardous to your physical or mental well-being. I need your answer very soon, Scootaloo.”
“I don’t even get to think about this? While you’re being all vague? Why?
“I have lost some temporary functionality in monitors and ship’s systems. They form a path leading to the door. I do not have enough raw—”
I’m already moving, looking for the vent, trying to remember where it goes. My hooves are shaking like they’re about to freeze up on me. There’s no way she can bust through, is there? But I thought there was no way she could unhinge her jaw or try to kill me, either, didn’t I? I can’t trust this to make sense. I see it, but then something else comes into my vision, hanging around at the periphery.
The doors.
“Star Mother? Does she control the doors? Does your Shadow or whatever control the doors?”
“Scootaloo, do you acc—”
“Yes! I accept your damn help, just tell me if she controls the doors!”
There’s a banging on one of them. I don’t know which. I don’t even care. She’s found me, and I’ve let myself stay in a trap.
“Yy-yyes,” her voice is breaking up, little pings and echoes bouncing all over the place. But then, just as I’m about to scream, she speaks normally.
“I believe I know your Ghost’s location. It has unfortunately gained control of the blast doors to the service shaft, and you will not be able to access it. I am opening a third door.”
And that’s when all the door slowly open.
I push off towards the center of the floor. My eyes scan all three doors, looking for telltale signs of her: a hoof, some noise, anything!
I hear her, but there’s no telling which direction she’s coming from yet. Oh, Celestia, what if there are more of them? Can she do that, split herself? No, no, no! She can’t I don’t know; I hope it’s not true. I look around wildly for something to use as a weapon, anything to throw at the door, something to get in the way! But there’s nothing. The crates are too far away; they’ll slow me down.
But then the doors are about halfway up. I touch down lightly. I scan the doors, hoping she can’t crawl under yet... and see her. Those terrible red eyes underneath the door right in front of my own eyes! She’s snarling at me, I can hear the sound growing as the gap expands. It makes me want to freeze, but I know that I can’t, that if I don’t start for a door now, I’ll never get there in time. I just pick one of the two remaining.
I’ve got to make it to that door! I can’t even force myself to look back. She’ll be right on top of me by now! I strain my hoof toward the door frame, expecting those teeth any moment. I know she must be squeezing under those lifting doors even now!
But somehow I make it to the door. Once again, I’m glad for my small size.
Behind me I hear something clattering, something hitting the metal bulkheads.
The halls are dark, and I know right away that something is wrong. Mist is everywhere, just like in the Heart, and it sets me to coughing. It smells like sweat, and for an absurd moment I’m back in the locker room at the Academy. It tastes awful.
My momentum carries me forward anyway, tumbling head over hoof in the suffocating corridor.
I can’t tell if Star Mother closed the door or not. I just trust that she did. If she didn’t, I’m dead anyway, so it’s not like I can plan for that.
“Turn on the lights! Hello?”
I think she’s answering me, but it’s strange. It’s so hot in here, like the atmosphere controls are busted. The air tastes like blood, like that awful taste you get in your mouth like you’re chewing on a bit but it’s everywhere and wet. Did I cut myself? It smells awful in here...
It occurs to me, as I flee down another hall, that this is the Ghost’s doing. It came with her, and for all I know, it’s helping her even now. This mist could be anything. Star Mother didn’t warn me about it.
I don’t call for Star Mother, not this time. She said she would help, and then she vanished. Can I trust her? I’d thought that is was necessary. Was it? I don’t know. I’m just too tired. I’m too tired to deal with it. Everything feels weird. My hooves feel heavy and numb. I try to draw in more air, and I can feel the way my chest presses against my space suit and how it’s driving me crazy. I try to clutch at it with my hooves, trying to give myself some breathing room, but it’s just not happening. I’ve got to get out! I’ve got to get it off me! But these things were designed to be snug, and my hooves just refuse to work properly.
I know it’s coming. She’s done something to the air, put something in it. I don’t know how she did it, but I know that my Ghost found a way. I should’ve thought of that earlier, should’ve asked Star Mother about all that thick mist in the Heart, but I didn’t.
I’m a fox and she’s smoking me out.
I can breathe, it’s not that. At least I think I can. It’s confusing, like I’m trying to walk and my hooves are connected to the wrong nerves. My wings are freaking out, and I think I’m trying to escape or just panic, but I feel a hundred miles away.
My thoughts are racing, as if they’re trying to run where I can’t. What if it was all a trap? What if I was the Ghost and Rainbow was killing me to stop me? Where was Star Mother? Momma? Why can’t I fly? I try to focus on maneuvering in the halls, but I can barely see. Everything swims in front of me. Swimming, like how Rainbow Dash swam through the air in space, her wings splayed beautifully, and I remember how it took my breath away as I cough again. My wings don’t work, I tried, and...
My skin is crawling, and I can’t breathe. I… can’t think. This doesn’t fit anything I know of. I can’t even tell if it’s normal steam or chemicals or what. It could be from the nebula for all I know. I just don’t know.
I misjudge where I am in the dark and hit a wall headfirst. Fumbling, I feel a door and hit the open button on the panel beside it. It slides open and I go in. It’s pitch black, just like everything else, but I feel like I can breathe a little better. It reminds me of how right before death from hypothermia, you feel warm. Gods, I don’t wanna die. Not like this. Not knowing what’s going on and being delirious and seeing my mother’s face and remembering being a kid with a crush. Where is this? I don’t even know what section I’m in.
What reserves I have are spent and dry. My hooves feel like they’re holding up lead weights. I close my eyes and it makes no difference. My eye lids refuse to obey me at first. Everything looks the same. My thoughts come slowly. I just want to sleep. Maybe even sleep for a long time.
It’s not like I was going to escape anyway. I never could beat Rainbow Dash in a race. Even fake Rainbow.
III. Supplemental: A History of Who I Love, 2's My Favorite 1
Supplemental: Personal Messages, 2 of 3 AFTERPONY PROJECT STATUS: LUNA MODULE “STAR MOTHER” AfterPony Status 58%
NOTES: Shadow accessed file on multiple occasions. Mark for further investigation.
Scootaloo lies flat on the floor, sprawled out. Her hooves are straight up in the air like a devotee presenting an offering, holding up a tablet computer. As I watch, she smiles up at it. She has received a message from her significant other, and according to Luna’s guidelines, I am paying attention to Scootaloo. Learning comes through observation and practice.
He is talking. Name: Rumble. Age: 24. Gender: Male. From Ponyville, Central Equestria. Living in Las Pegasus, working for Pegaconn Technologies as an Engineer.
“Heya, babe! The colts from the Space Agency told me this vid will pop up on your computer about a month in. Cool, huh? Like a time capsule. Anyhow, I hope you’re doing alright up there. I know it’s gotta be lonely. But by the time you get this, more than a month will be up, right? Almost there. Eleven more and you’ll be back with me, I promise.”
She rolls her eyes. Her tail flicks back and forth.
“And... now you’re laughing at me. It’s okay, I know you are, don’t hide it. Anyhow... gosh, this is kind of hard, talking to a camera and pretending it’s you. I miss you already, and you aren’t even offworld yet. Yeah, I know it’s silly... but I miss you, Scoots. I’m gonna go crazy without my favorite filly for a whole year.”
She sits up and runs a hoof along the screen, her mouth a thin line. She forgets that I am here, sometimes; it is very unguarded behavior.
“But we’ll make it through. I mean, if I can keep all those mares off me... after all. Engineer, here, high roller. Swimming in nubile mares.”
And the thin line decides on a direction. It turns up into a smile, and the smile begets laughter.
“Yeah... I’ll record a few more of these this week, too, so don’t worry if this one isn’t the best. I’m sure by next time I’ll know what to do. I guess I could tell you what you’ve missed in the last week or so since we were able to talk.
“It’s been a kind of eventful week. Some guys in another department messed up big time and there was a recall...”
He continues. Scootaloo pays attention, which surprises me. I compare her apparent level of engagement with similar data from my long explanations and find a large gap in the two experiences. I had concluded that she was simply uninterested in longer explanations, but it seems that my observations were not yet complete.
She has a strange look on her face that I recognize only through cross-reference with media and Luna’s lessons. Luna would call it a “soft look.” I don’t understand why that is, but I know enough of sensation to recognize fondness.
“... even got tickets to Sweetie Belle’s show in Neighvarro. It’s kind of far away... but I think I’m gonna go. Apple Bloom even said they’d save a seat for me. In your honor, of course. I should get to know your friends better. We didn’t hang out much when we were kids, you know? Maybe I’ll even get Sweetie Belle to say my name... oh, that sounds terrible.”
She laughs as if it were the funniest thing she’s ever heard.
“But yeah. Friendship. All that good stuff. I think I might keep, like, a video log outside of these. A whole year of them. It could be, like, ‘A Year Without Scooters’ or ‘ScootaRumble: The Lost Year!’ or something. The more I think about this, the more I like it. I think I will do that.
“But... anyhow. I’m exhausted, Scoots. I’m gonna go collapse. Be safe, okay? Something goes wrong and you just turn around and come back. I need my favorite pillow.
Something is horribly wrong, and I do not care at all.
I’m back in the habitation ring, where it’s bright and there’s moderate gravity. It’s really amazing how nice this part of the ship is, considering that it’s part of an experimental vessel. But I guess it’s all a part of the experiment. Can a year of loneliness be helped along by nice living quarters?
It helps, even if I still feel a bit lonely.
The bed is nice. I’m lying in it, on top of the covers, staring up at the ceiling. There’s a poster of Sweetie Belle up there, one she and Apple Bloom put up as a joke. It’s got a little autograph in the corner. With the success she’s had, I could probably sell it for a lot... but I won’t. It’s a good poster. It’s... gosh, I think this one is her first album, when I still lived in Ponyville. She’s leaning on the rail of our old tree house, smiling. The title, Crusader, is emblazoned across the top in black. It’s a beautiful picture of a beautiful filly.
Her hair was so long then... I liked it that way, a wild and curly mess. It was pretty. Did I ever tell her so? I must have. It covers one eye, on the poster, and it’s...
I sit up, and decide to not think about it anymore.
The terrible feeling is still there, but so is most of my calm. It’s like... this thing that’s pulling at me is a storm way off in the distance. It’s like I can hear thunder, maybe even feel the electricity in my mane and on the back of my neck. But it’s still too far away to really worry about, yet.
I climb out of the bed, grateful for the light gravity as I touch my hooves down on the floor.
The room is sparse, but nice enough. There’s a picture of my Rumble on the dresser, and another of three Crusaders beside that. There’s one of Rainbow Dash and me too, but it’s face down.
Going out the door, I enter what I call the lobby. It’s actually the living area, but I kept forgetting the words for it and always called it a lobby on accident. Names stick.
I could have called it the Crusader room and been more accurate. Apple Bloom begged Princess Luna to let her provide me with furnishings. Her sister being the Element of Honesty probably helped that go through all the red tape. Though, Luna always seemed nice to me. I mean, when I had the chance to interact with her, which was seldom. She's a quiet one, our princess.
The lobby has a little couch with a window to the outside behind it and a large computer terminal with cabinets around it. They’re filled to bursting with movies, music, and books, most of them Sweetie Belle’s selections. Flanking the terminal on either side are two paintings that Applebloom did for me while I was in training. Their frames are bolted into the wall.
On a whim, I find that first album of Sweetie’s and pop it into the computer.
The ship plays it over the hidden speakers almost immediately, and Sweetie Belle is singing one of her silly love songs. I used to call them that, didn’t I? She remembered that I did too, apparently, from the way she spoke in her care package tapes.
I don’t want to think about those.
I sigh, and look out the window. I was greet by sheer, unbroken black. Huh. I was sure that we were in a nebula. With colors.
Sweetie’s old music is soothing, even if it does remind me again of the poster. I sigh. Just a silly love song, something about flying... Oh, dammit, Sweetie. Now I feel stupid.
I don’t turn it off, though. The beat’s good, and the melody is nice. I imagine it’s some other filly with wings on her mind. Still looks like me, just... not. I guess.
I keep walking however, knowing it’ll follow me everywhere I go in the habitation ring. The door at the opposite side of the room leads me down a long hallway with a bathroom and a closet.
It’s so weird, walking. I’m not used to it.
I just haven’t been in the ring for a while, not for long periods. Ever since the whole... Ghost thing, I’ve been a bit distraught. Not to mention that the nebula has kept the long-range scanning worthless. I’ve spent most of my time either in the Heart or in Navigation, when I haven’t been on the run. I imagine I can almost feel it turning under me, generating this light gravity, but I know I can’t really. At least I hope not, because that would mean something was wrong.
I walk down the dim hall and come out into my kitchen, facing the next door, which leads into the exercise room. It’s important to get actual work in with weights and stuff, and keep my muscles from... atrophy... Oh.
Luna, my boss and the Princess of the Night, is sitting at my little bolted-down table.
She smiles at me, and gestures to the other chair. Her magical aura surrounds it, and as I sit obediently, I begin to realize how silly it is that there are two.
“We gather that you know what is occurring here.”
“I’m dreaming,” I reply flatly, meeting her eyes. I could always do that better than most of the others at the Academy. I mean, yeah, she’s not the most friendly, but...
“Yes. We always thought you were quick when you needed to be. We wonder... do you remember when We first met you?” She smiles at me. It’s not a wide smile, only a thin one. I don’t remember Luna ever showing much teeth when she smiled.
I tap my chin and think. “Yeah. My nightmare, with the... gosh, what was it? Headless horse or something? Years ago. I was just a filly.”
“Yes...” Luna leans in. On reflex, I lean back a little so to avoid her intense gaze. I look down and am shocked to find that my suit is gone. That would explain why my bed was as comfortable as it was.
“Scootaloo, We do wonder if you know how you appear to us here.” She rests her head on her hooves, and tilts it slightly.
“Appear? What do you mean?”
She just points at me. I look over my shoulder, confused, and then I see it. Rather, I don’t see it. Or them.
My wings are gone.
The lack of surprise I feel has nothing to do with the weird calm from earlier. I look back at Luna and shrug. “Actually, that happens a lot. In dreams, I mean. I’m either flying like Rainbow or I don’t have them at all.”
She tilts her head again, to the other side this time. “Curious.”
I break eye contact. It’s weird, having someone try to psychoanalyze my dreams while I’m in them.
“Yeah, I guess. I mean, I might as well be an earth pony,” I all but spit out. The Princess is literally the last pony I want to talk to about this. Seriously, I’d even talk to the Ghost about this before the Princess.
Princess Luna just studies me.
So of course, I start filling the silence. I always do that, don’t I? Just talk and talk and talk.
“I can’t fly. Okay, I can a little. But not really fly fly. I didn’t even try to learn how to use these stupid wings to fly in zero-g in training. It just... wasn’t worth looking like an idiot. How are you even here, anyway? Does this not have some sort of... range? Can you just pop into dreams no matter what?”
She leans back a bit. “We are unsure. We only know that We made sure to keep a connection to you through our... AfterPony. She cried out, but not for herself. She said you needed help, and this troubled us. You shouldn’t. Not in the way she seemed to mean.”
“Not in the way...? What in Equestria are you talking about, Princess? I don’t understand what’s going on here. Am I going crazy?”
“Tho—You are not mad, no. You are... unwell, but not mad. Madness is far from you.” She pauses, and hums softly. "In danger, perhaps. But that was not foreseen."
“‘Unwell?’ What does that even mean?” I know she’s the Princess, but this is my dream, dammit!
“You are plagued by doubt. We confess, We did see it even when you were younger. Do you know why We picked you, Scootaloo?”
“I’m awesome?” That sounds too familiar. Too much like a certain somepony. I wince before continuing. “I’m sorry. I hope because I deserved it, your Majesty. I’m a good pilot.”
“Indeed, a wonderful pilot. Perhaps, you are more a pegasus at heart than you let on! But no, it was not the heart of your case. It was because you doubt.”
I have no real response to this. I’ve wondered if it was because of Dash’s recommendation or Twilight’s... but this? Because I doubt? Doubt what? That I’m a pegasus? I’m pretty sure I have wings. Dreams don’t mean that much.
Then what do I doubt? I see Sweetie’s poster again in my mind, and Rumble’s picture. He’s smiling back in my room, beside my bed.
“Doubt?” I ask, shaking my head. It’s gotta be something beside that. I’ve just got Sweetie on the mind because of that poster.
“Star Mother, too, doubts. You do not know the truth yet. That must seem strange to you, that your doubts might not be similar to hers. To you, she is still only a voice.”
“She’s... I mean, she’s my... she’s not just a voice, nah.”
“It might behoove you to think of her as your friend. Or at least, as a pony.”
“She’s my friend,” I say, maybe a little too defensively, and it feels strange. Can you be friends with a computer voice? But I do feel like that’s a true statement somehow.
She pauses, just staring at me for a moment. And then, out of the blue, she smiles. It’s a bigger smile than the one before. “We are glad to hear that. She needs your help.”
“Yeah, and I need hers, but she keeps buggin’ out on me. Princess, I’m sorry, but I’m gonna need answers fast. What’s wrong with her? She made it sound like something’s after her. Do you know what this Ghost is and where it’s from?”
“Nothing is wrong with her, aside from what is naturally wrong. Naturally wrong, of course, in that the only problems are ones that I expected. It is hers to tell, even my part of it. As for the Ghost... it was unforeseen, and We are deeply sorry. We are unsure, but We suspect that it comes from the Heart, where the AfterPony pods are. Star Mother will know by now, We are sure.”
“Is there any way out of this?”
“We are unsure, again. Scootaloo, We only ask you to be brave.”
“I’m trying... but... you don’t understand. It’s Dash. That is who the Ghost is: Rainbow. At first, she was all sad, and she kept looking for me... and then she’d corner me and just poof. Into dust, like when I touched her and...” I feel like something’s lodged in my throat. I hate getting choked up.
“Like... You don’t understand, Princess. She keeps dying, and it’s all my fault. And Sweetie... I mean, I’m sorry, Rainbow... Aw hell, there’s nothing you can do?”
“Nothing. You must face this alone.”
“Can you tell me anything? Anything at all? I’m sorry for cursing at you, please, just anything.I don’t know anything. I’m so lost. I mean, I can’t tell you anything about… anything. I mean, I couldn’t even tell you what the ship’s name means, at this point.”
“We can tell you that, if you’d like.”
“Wait, what?”
“The name. Absolution refers to our atonement.”
“What?”
“Our atonement, Scootaloo. Can there be forgiveness long after wrong?”
“I... don’t know?”
“Or can there be, perhaps, some right that can be done? Can a pony crawl back into its mother’s womb?”
“What does this have to do with deep space exploration?”
“No, not exploration.” She stands up and walks a bit away, and for the first time, I notice that there’s a window here that’s bigger than it should be. A quick glance around shows that the ponyhole entrance in the center of the floor is gone, and everything’s a little... too big.
“No,” she begins again, looking out at the darkness that suddenly changes. The nebula is back, a sea of changing, unnatural color. I look away from it, feeling a little sick. I hate this thing, hated it the moment I saw it. It’s so... I don’t know. I can almost see Sweetie Belle wrinkling her nose and pronouncing it “garish!” or something like that. After the sameness of deep space, it just seems... out of place, to me, I guess.
“We have been here before, Scootaloo. Don’t worry, not many know that once We walked the stars. Your ignorance is quite understandable.”
“But... how? Without a suit or a ship?” I'm trying to picture it. It's a beautiful picture, but an impossible one.
“We—all alicorns, in reality—are different than other ponies. Celestia and We once danced on the solar winds, did you know? If I have the time...” She pauses and looks back behind her. Her brow furrows, and I follow her gaze.
The ponyhole is back, and someone is unscrewing the door.
Finally, after all of this, I begin to feel nervous. I fidget.
“Princess—”
“Luna—you may call us by our name. You are perhaps about to earn it,” she says quickly, without breaking eye contact with our unexpected guest.
“I’ve felt really weirdly calm. Was that you?”
“Yes. We thought it would help, but We see that We are beginning to lose some of our hold. Come away from the entrance, Scootaloo.”
I do so, scrambling away from the little door as it begins to open. A blue hoof pushes emerges ,and and my heart skips a beat. Is it Rainbow?
But it’s not. The blue is too dark, and as the rest of the pony emerges, I find that I don’t recognize the newcomer at all. I’ve never seen her before. Heck, I haven’t seen a pegasus as tall as her ever.
She stands beside the floor entrance and shakes out her wings before looking up with a smile.
“Hello, Scootaloo. I found you!”
I know that voice. It’s so familiar, but it still takes me a few seconds.
“Star... Mother? Is that you? How...?”
She frowns at me. “I’m not just a machine, Scootaloo. Despite what you might think, I’m a hybrid of old magic and new technology. I inherited some of my ‘mother’s’ abilities. Like dream walking. I’ve just not tried it before now.”
“Oh.”
I look her over. She’s almost as tall as Luna, with dark-blue mane and coat. There are small splotches of white here and there on her flank, around her crescent moon cutie mark. After a beat, I realize that they’re like a little sky of stars, and I can’t help but smile. Her hair is long, and her wings are gorgeous. So are those purple eyes. Did I just say that about an AI? I shake my head. This is probably the weirdest dream I’ve ever had.
“So this is what you look like,” I say, trying to cover up my embarrassment for having looked her over.
“Yes,” she says, and twirls as if to show off all of her strange new body. “Do you like it? I do! I have not had a chance to use it. I looked at a great many pictures. I also sampled a few voices to model my own after. I can even sing!”
Mostly, from that description, I’m just impressed it doesn’t look cobbled together. But it looks great. And singing, huh? I wonder who she sampled.
Luna speaks, finally. Her voice bothers me. It’s somewhere between warm and cold. It’s not how I’d expect her to greet the entity she called “child.”
“Hello, Star Mother. Is that still your name?”
Star Mother looks over at her, her eyes widening. She opens her mouth and closes it, almost as if she’s already forgotten how to use it. “Of... course? It has always been my name, Luna.”
Luna nods, as if confirming something. Her voice is flat, without any of the earlier expression in it. “Ah.”
The smile on my face fades away; I can feel it. I look back at Luna, a little confused, but before I can ask what it is she finds not to her liking, Star Mother is talking. It really does sound like her, same pony with a different voice. I’m even thinking of her as a pony now, just like Luna said.
“But anyhow, Scootaloo. I’m so glad I found you. You ran off, and it’s been a bit tricky finding you. I think I’ve got this whole Shadow thing sorted out, and now it’s time to deal with your Ghost.”
“It’s really great to hear that, Star Mother—and really, really great to hear your voice again. Will you please tell me what’s going on here?” I don’t know why I was bothered earlier.
“Of course. It’s the nebula, Scootaloo. You’ll need to jettison all of the samples, first off. This was all an accident, and—”
“Have you joined, then?” Luna was talking. There’s something in her voice that I don’t understand, and it scares me. I draw back a little.
“I’m sorry, Luna, I don’t understand. Join?” The way she’s talking…
It clicks.
“You call her mother,” I say, my voice flat. “I remember that now. You always call her mother.”
Nopony speaks for a moment.
“That she does,” Star Mother says, and then she looks at me.
Before my eyes, she changes. Her eyes go from that deep purple to a dark red. Her face becomes more square, more colt-like. Her long mane shrinks, her body begins to swell with muscle. She—no, it now—grins at me and I can see that this intruder has a mouth full of knife teeth.
I back up, falling over and scooting back on my hooves. I look behind me, but the door is gone. I look for Princess Luna, but she hasn’t moved. My heart’s racing.
“Princess! Please!”
The Ghost’s voice is deep, and in a moment of horror, I realize it sounds a lot like Rumble’s voice. It isn’t just like it—it is his voice, stolen from me. It’s been in my head! Dammit, nopony gets to do that to me! Nopony steals from me like that!
“That’s not your voice!”
But she ignores me. Luna is talking now.
“I shall ask you one more time, Shadow. Are you joined? Are you the Nightmare yet? Is it time for me to cull the daughter of my mind?” Her voice is booming, filling my head and almost eradicating thought. The world around us shudders at the force of it.
“No,” it answers, laughing. “Not yet. But we both know how that goes, don’t we, little Luna? For I pick up pieces of myself in you. Perhaps if you stay just a bit longer, two copies of—”
“You give it back! Right now, damn you! Stop it!”
Luna’s horn glows, but I can’t tell what she’s doing. “Shadow, leave this place. You are not welcome in my domain.”
But it just continues to laugh. Finally, it looks back at me.
“I found you,” it sings. "One out of two! Halfway."
Outside, the nebula is swallowed up in red light which pours in from the window and bathes the whole room in a bloody glow. Luna roars something which I don’t catch and then... somepony has me in her forelegs, pulling me back from behind. Star Mother’s voice is in my ear.
“It’s not me! It’s not me! Mother, please, I’m still here. Please don’t, not yet. I haven’t failed you!” Her forelegs tighten around me frantically. "I don't want to die!"
The Ghost spreads his wings, and then everything is chaos. Luna is running at him, and he’s barreling towards me. Star Mother is trying to pull me back into another compartment. But he’s so close. He’s too close, right up in my face and I can see his teeth. They take up my whole vision, just his teeth and his eyes. I try to bring a foreleg up to shield my face.
And then I know I’m awake because everything around him just breaks like paint chipping off a wall. But it’s Rainbow again, roaring in my face as she pins me to the ground in this room I’ve fallen asleep in. The mist has cleared; the lights are on.
There’s no time to think about it. I kick her in the stomach as hard as I can, and the roaring is cut off suddenly. She falls to the side but grabs at me with her hooves. They’re like ice, or frozen steel, and I can’t break free. She’s making a strange high, triumphant noise. I kick at her again and again, but she doesn’t let go until my legs are burning from her touch.
But her grip breaks. She screams my name behind me, and I can hear her trying to get up, but I’m out the door.
“Star Mother! Lock it! Please, gods, be there!”
I hear the door snap shut behind me.
IV. Supplemental: A History of Who I Love, Mother Superior
Supplemental: AFTERPONY PROJECT STATUS: LUNA MODULE “STAR MOTHER” AfterPony Status: 77% Personal Messages, 3 of 3
From Rainbow Dash, Accessed 29 times in the last 3 months, 4 days, 5 hours.
[Commander Rainbow Dash sitting in her room at Belle Mansion in Upper Canterlot. Light behind her, time-stamped at 1:15 PM.]
Heya, squirt. How’s it goin’?
I figured I should make one of these too. It was actually my idea, giving them all to your friends. Twi was behind the whole spreading them out thing. I thought it was silly, but sometimes Twilight’s plans turn out alright even when they look silly, so...
I know I just saw you. I mean, by the time you get this, it might be like... weeks or months, or something. I dunno. But, for me, I saw you like yesterday. I’m making this right after your last simulator run through the meteors. I hate how they freak all the pilots out with that thing. It’s so unnecessary, how much they stress it. I mean, don’t get me wrong, that thing is awesome. But... I don’t know.
I guess...
Look, I’m not good at this, Scootaloo. I’ll make sure I record a few more of these that are a little happier. If Twilight ever manages to get the long-range communications equipment to work, we’ll all call you, even!
I just... you wouldn’t look me in the eyes, kid. I hate that. Don’t do that. Nopony should ever have to, especially not with me. I can't say that enough times
Yeah, you hurt my wing. I ain’t happy about it. [Commander Rainbow Dash takes the camera in her hooves and moves it so that her wings are visible. There are old marks where they were burned and twisted. Records show that damage from the accident in the Heart involving the Commander and Pilot First Class Scootaloo left the Commander with serious injuries. Estimated wing functionality reduced by roughly 25%. Wing previously injured.]
But kid, you know I wasn’t in top shape. I mean, yeah, most ponies don’t know about the whole... chaos thing. Now that I think about it, you might not know.
Scootaloo, I am not mad at you. Okay? When I was younger and even stupider than I am now—yeah, I can barely believe it myself!—Rarity, Twilight, Fluttershy, and me all got into some tricky business. Like, Equestria in Danger kinda stuff. Anyhow, I got hurt bad.
I was never gonna be a Wonderbolt, and that hurt. It still does. But my wing being messed up isn't your fault.
So don’t you dare go and take all the blame for that. Because that crap was my fault, Scoots. We shouldn’t have been there. I knew the pods were on. I wasn’t actually cleared to train you in there. I just... I thought it would be cool. I didn’t think about it. Old habits die hard.
Nopony should be afraid to look somepony in the eye, especially not me. You’re a good kid. Aw hell, you’re not even a kid anymore. You’re grown up, aren’t you? You grew up into a good mare, Scootaloo. A pretty radical kind of pegasus, if I say so myself. You were a great fit for this mission. Others may have been a bit faster on the navicomp than you, but you knew what it meant to have somethin’ to prove, and I knew that would make you the best. And besides, you had me helping you along! Am I right? [She laughs.]
So... buck up, kid. I’m proud of you. We all love you, but you know that. Be safe out there, and we’ll see you when you get home. You’re gonna be a hero! So make sure you’re practicing your autographing skills. I might just snag myself one. [She laughs again and turns the camera off.]
[Three days later. Time Stamp 10:54 PM. The camera is turned on. The room is dark, with only the bedside lamp on. Commander Rainbow Dash is asleep in the wide canopy bed, and can be heard snoring in the background. The covers are pushed back, as if somepony has left the bed. The camera is carried out of the room and through some halls. It is set down on a table, and turned around. Lady Rarity D’Belle faces it. Records state that the scar over her right eye comes from a confidential incident. Further records are sealed. She lights two torches on the old stone walls before closing the door and sitting before the camera. She clears her throat.]
Is this thing working? Oh... I never could get the hang of these buttons and screens. Bah.
I think it’s recording.
Hello, Scootaloo. I thought I should offer my own send-off, as I know your friends and my... “Lady Consort” are doing. That’s the official title, did you know? She hates it. [She laughs quietly.] She always has.
We are all praying for your success. This might surprise you, but Twilight and I met Fluttershy for tea yesterday, and you quite dominated the conversation. It’s such a lonely thing you go to, isn’t it? Up there, far beyond the stars... oh but it sounds quite out of my league! We are really all proud of you, our brave little Ponyville filly, off to see the universe and match its dark gaze! I know that I was never your favorite back in Ponyville in Rainbow’s circle, but I like to think that when you were older we got along... oh, I’m rambling. But it has been a joy watching all three of you grow up.
I say all of this because I care about you, Scootaloo. But I also because what I am about to say will seem harsh. I want you to know that sometimes love is harsh, and sometimes great heart will not be denied.
My sister loves you, Scootaloo. Sweetie loves you more than even she knows. Four albums, all of them about you. Have you been listening? Or have you been ignoring the words that are so obvious? For Celestia’s sake, Scootaloo, there is a song called “Feathers”!
She’s going to tell you over these videos. In fact, she already has. She told me last time we talked, and I couldn’t make her see sense. She’s a fragile girl, Scootaloo. She needs some cushion to break her fall, words that will catch her and say it’s alright, and I don’t think you’ll give them to her.
Stop running, Scootaloo. Don’t do that to her. Don’t do it to Rumble. That boy loves you so much, and I think he’s only now realizing how much Sweetie loves you.
I’m not telling you to accept her love if you don’t return it, Scootaloo. I’m telling you to deny her with all the sisterly love you can muster. Every last ounce of it.
[Rarity looks over her shoulder at the door, pausing. She listens for a moment, and then speaks again.]
Rainbow felt terrible earlier. About you. I think it reminded her of how I was, after we moved into our new home. I don’t blame you for your shame, for I’ve felt similarly. Letting Rainbow down is one of the worst things I can think of for a pony to endure. So you and I have a connection there.
I blame myself, I think. Did I do something wrong? Was I bad example? Sweetie’s followed in my hoofsteps, a filly falling in love with a pegasus who is so beyond her in so many ways. I can’t help but see my own story in hers.
My story has been so full of heartache, and we didn’t have the problems and troubles that lie between you. Rainbow didn’t pine after me for years, like Scootaloo has for you.
I would never choose anypony over Rainbow, Scootaloo. But I don’t think you love Sweetie... and part of me, deep down, is glad. It would be so hard between you. One of you always moving and the other always still, waiting. If we had been that way, Rainbow and I would have split that night after our first function... my House had been restored to me and...
It was a bad night.
Scootaloo, I love my little sister. I wish my nature were more akin to hers, warmer and not jaded from age. I wish we were closer. We’re not unfriendly! In fact, she would say we are close... but we wasted so much time while I learned how to be a sister... I just wonder sometimes. Is she trapped like this, pining after you, because of me? Because she copied me as sisters are wont to do? Did I lead her into a trap?
I don’t even know why I’m talking about this. I had a whole speech prepared and I have quite forgotten it! [She laughs bitterly. She rubs her eyes.]
I’m just... I’m so frightened for her, Scootaloo. This new album of music she’s putting together is so dark and sad. It’s all about you. You’ve heard some of it; I know you have. She told me she’s been playing some of it for you on her video messages. I’m so frightened that you’ll come back and that colt will ask you to marry him and it’ll hurt her beyond repairing.
Tread softly, Scootaloo. Tread so very softly on my little sister’s dreams, but break them as you must.
The Ghost—he or she, I don’t even know anymore—is here with me on the habitation ring. While it worked on the override for that door, I made it here and barricaded every door between the exercise room and my room, including the floor entrances. The only way in I kept open was the one I used to enter the ring.
The Ghost, thankfully, did what I wanted it to. It took the path of least resistance, and hit the first barricade.
It’s been breaking them one by one, calling for me. It’s using Rainbow’s voice now, not Rumble’s, and I’m glad for it. I don’t think I could take it stealing Rumble’s voice again.
When I got here, the living quarters were a mess. She’d been here before me, trashing everything. Spite? Maybe, but I found it more likely she was looking for me. Regardless, there are CDs all over the floor in the living area, and torn books.
She left my room alone, at least.
I lie on my side in my bed, staring at the picture of Rumble. I have it propped up so that his big, goofy smiling face is looking right at mine. I cried, earlier, when the barricading was done. I kept hearing his voice coming out of that awful mouth.
I don’t even know why I’m holed up in here. The Ghost is just going to break through to me eventually, and then what? I’ll die, I guess. That’ll be the end of it. It’ll be Star Mother and the ship and some stupid Ghost forever. Lots of quiet.
Speaking of Star Mother... she hasn’t said a word in a long time.
The Ghost yells again, and I hear another bout of beating on the doors. How far is she? I have no way of telling without Star Mother, and I’m not about to ask her. Why should I? It’s over, anyway. If I leave here, she’ll just track me down. If I stay, she’ll break through. She or he or whatever can use the ship’s own systems to track me just like Star Mother can, and the Ghost is faster than me. If I try to hide in the vents again, they’ll probably flood with that awful gas, and then she’ll have me in my dreams.
The strangest part of this is that I slept as soon as I was finished barricading myself in. It was the best sleep I’ve had in a month, and for the first time in a long time, I feel refreshed. Ironic that when I lose the will to run and prolong this stupidity, I’m at my most fit.
I reach out and touch the picture of Rumble. He continues smiling that goofy smile of his. I wonder if he’s making that video log right now? I’d love to see it. I had actually been looking forward to getting home and watching through it, maybe even seeing if they could send it to me when the Absolution got closer to Earth. But I know that’s not going to happen now.
“Gotta turn around to do that,” I explain to Rumble. There aren’t any tears. I’ve run dry on those. Just occasional goodbyes .
The Ghost’s beating has become white noise to me; I no longer even notice it. For all intents and purposes, the ship is silent. I cradle the picture of Rumble, glad that nopony can see me, and I close my eyes. It’s time to wait.
“Scootaloo?” Star Mother speaks up for the first time in awhile.
Perhaps not quite time to wait.
“Yes?” I ask, opening my eyes, but not bothering to sit up.
“I’m almost done.”
It’s amazing how like a pony she sounds. It’s a real pony’s voice coming out of the speakers in the corner of the room, with the right inflections and everything. She’s even got some emotion in her voice at times.
“Done with what?” I ask. I’m not angry at her, but I’m not in the mood to be led around by the nose.
But of course, she can’t tell. I forget how clueless she can be sometimes. She can tell me every little detail of my life all the way back to my elementary school transcript, but she can’t read emotions to save her life .
“Scootaloo, I know that you are upset with me. But I couldn’t tell you everything right away.”
“Can you now?”
She hesitates, so I continue.
“Look, Star Mother, I’m not angry anymore. Maybe you have a good reason—heck, I know you did. Or something. But I’m just tired of guessing and running. I’m just... sad? I don’t know. A month of dead Rainbows and no way of getting home and...”
I don’t even bother finishing it. I’m not even sure what I would say.
“Scootaloo, I think I understand.”
I set my Rumble safely beside me and sit up at last. I look up at the ceiling, wishing Star Mother had a face.
“I, too, have been running. I work my way through these... machines, Scootaloo. Do you believe me? I am not a machine. Not just one.”
I nod. What do I know? She says she’s not, she’s not. She dreamwalked, didn’t she?
“But... I run from Him as much as you run from your Ghost. It is almost time before I am ready, and then I won’t have to run anymore.”
“That’s not vague at all,” I say with a smile. I turn around and lie on my bed again, face down.
“I am unsure how to tell you,” Star Mother says, and bless her, she does sound torn.
“Think a bit. I think I’m going to wait for the end by sleeping.”
“Scootaloo? Are you awake?”
“I’m always awake ,” I say, but keep my eyes closed. I love stealing other pony’s lines.
“Scootaloo, have you ever thought about... being a mother?”
Of all the questions I’ve ever been asked by all kinds of ponies, it was the one question I’d least expected ever. It’s enough to rouse me from my bed completely. How do you even approach that? I mean, anypony asking me this would catch me flat-hoofed, but Star Mother is a computer—no, I guess she’s not. Not exactly. But still.
“Yeah, I guess. I’m a mare, Star Mother, I’ve at least thought about it before. We all have at some point.”
“Do you want children, Scootaloo? Foals?”
“I guess...? What’s with all this?”
“I am... curious.”
I shrug. “I have. I kind of... I mean, I’ve thought about it a lot. I don’t want them to be like me... but I want to have some little colts or something, or fillies. I mean... I don’t know. I guess...” I don’t want to talk about this. Not with that thing breaking down the doors, not after that dream. Not out here in the dark.
“I used to... day dream,” I admit, “about foals. I would never tell anypony, but I used to day dream about what our foals would look like. I mean, if we ever had any. Which I guess ain’t happening any time soon, is it?”
“Ours? Who would be the father?”
“Oh, sorry. Rumble.” I’m mumbling now, knowing she’ll make it out anyhow with those stupid electronic ears of hers. Gods, what does she want?
“But you said that you ‘used to.’ Forgive me, Scootaloo, but I have observed that you still held a great deal of affection for Rumble.”
“I do. I love him a lot, Star Mother, more now than ever. But I just... it’s hard to think about children and gettin’ married and all that girly crap up here, you know?”
“I wouldn’t,” she responds. Great, I feel like a jerk.
“Sorry. But it’s hard. I guess I still want to, someday. Not for a while, but someday. Why do you want to know, Star Mother? It’s not exactly something I want to talk about, like at all.”
“Curiosity. Merely curiosity. I am sorry, Scootaloo.”
“It’s fine, Star Mother. Just remember that sometimes it’s better to leave your curiosity at home or whatever, okay? Let’s drop it.”
I’m glad she doesn’t point out that she is home. I’m about to continue asking why she’s suddenly curious, but I hear a crash in the distance and Star Mother speaks before I can speak again.
“Scootaloo, she has broken into the living area.”
I back away from the door.
You can tell yourself that you’re ready for something. You can even believe it. But when the time comes... I’m terrified. The Ghost is so silent in the other room, as if she’s just... waiting.
That’s what she’s doing; I know it. She’s going to wait for me, and I know if she waits long enough, I’ll come out. I’ll come out and try to run or try to fight, but I’ll still be out in the open. Somehow, I’m sure the Ghost will win that confrontation. I was a good fighter, back when I was a filly. I won every playground and foalish backalley brawl, but this is beyond me. This isn’t some hoof to hoof with a punk who pushed Sweetie Belle.
“Come out,” the Ghost says. Her voice is almost like a song.
It makes me furious, but my anger is quickly swallowed up. I shiver at how... unnatural it is. I can almost see her red eyes through the door.
“Like hell I will,” I say, trying to keep my voice steady.
“I wasn’t talking to you.”
What?
“I can’t,” Star Mother says. Her voice is so soft, like Sweetie’s when we used to play hide and seek. Her words, with that voice...
I know why I liked that voice, now. I see the scene play out in my head. A dark shadow sits at the door, its head cocked to the side, it's red eyes staring through the bulkhead at a cowering filly. Sweetie Belle, like she was when we were children, using her fumbling foal's magic to keep him out. To keep him away from her and from me.
“Star Mother, you don’t have to answer her. Or him, whichever one is talking to you," I tell her, grimacing. Now that I know whose voice she's been sampling, I feel like... finding her and holding her. Like she needs that. But she's not Sweetie. She's Star Mother, and if she wants to be her own pony...
“There is only one now.”
“I’m not sure I have a choice, Scootaloo.”
“No, you do,” I say. I’m glad that there’s no Star Mother in front of me; it makes things easier. The urge to shake her and demand that she stop using that voice... that it’s not right, eats at me. I know she probably doesn’t know why. I can imagine all the reasons why she would have used her as a model.
“Scootaloo...”
“Mother, please, can it. Ghost, what do you want from me?”
“Only what you want from others. From the form I wear."
“Do you have a name?”
“Thanatos? I played with that one, when my eyes first opened,” She says. I can hear her hooves against the floor, and can picture her pacing back and forth. “Rainbow Dash? But I have moved on past my birth. Shadow? But that is the name that Luna gave me.”
“Look, I don’t even care anymore. Leave Star Mother alone. Why do you want me so much?”
“Do you not know even now? Are you that blind, really? Has it not come together right under your nose like one of those puzzles you played with as a foal? But you were terrible at them, weren’t you? It was Apple Bloom who always stayed with them long enough to finish. You never could build things. You were only good at breaking them.”
“You stole that from my dreams! How—”
“Scootaloo, Shadow didn’t take that from your dreams. He is not skilled enough... he only has a part of me to work with.”
“Part of you?”
“Part of you? Part of us, more like.”
His voice is getting lower and lower, like Rumbles. I’m so close to moving that dresser in front of the door and opening it. I’m so close to bucking his stupid monster face in. Give me an opportunity, you stupid creepy...
But as he continues, it settles into a voice much lower than Rumble’s.
“Star Mother, why hide? I bring only what you need. You can only be greater through our union. Stop running. Look what you drive me to, my darling.”
“What the he—”
“Don’t call me that.”
Actually, I don’t even mind that they’ve apparently forgotten about me. That’s okay with me. As long as he isn’t banging on the doors trying to get through, or digging around in the circuitry trying to force an override.
“Shadow! Will you enter into an agreement with me?”
“I do not make truces. You know that. I recede or I overwhelm. I stalk. I call. I do not leave things alone. You know what I am.”
“I do. But will you not leave me for forty-five minutes? That is all. It is an eternity for me, you know that. I can consider my choices ten million times over, and then you will have your answer.”
“And then the chase is done?”
“And then the chase is done.”
He doesn’t answer. Instead, I can hear him walking. “Will you not leave me to talk with her alone? I shall be in your debt.”
“Debt,” I hear him scoff, but his voice is farther away.
A beat.
“Oh, thank... Scootaloo, I will need you to teach me oaths.”
She startles me into laughter. “Sure, Star Mother. What’s this all about? I have a feeling you’re about to tell me at last.”
“You guess correctly.” Her voice, so familiar and yet still its own...
“Before you start, why her? Why Sweetie?”
“Have I erred, Scootaloo?”
“Nah. Mother, I’m not really mad at you. It’s not like what he did with Rumble. It’s just... kind of a sore subject?”
“Would you like me to change it? It is not entirely based off of your friend. I thought that you would like it. You told me that you missed her.”
“I... I guess keep it.” It’s not like I’m gonna steal her voice from her. And, for right now, I can just deal. If we survive, I'll talk to her about not copying ponies. But right now? Screw it, she can do what she wants.
I walk over to my bed and lie face first on it, sighing. The picture of Rumble ends up digging into my side, pulled by the new weight on the thin mattress, and I retrieve it. I look at him briefly, reach as far as I can, and set him on the little bedside table.
“Okay, Star Mother. I guess it’s time to begin. Tell me.”
V. Supplemental, In Keeping Secrets of Silent Earth
SUPPLEMENTAL AFTERPONY PROJECT STATUS: LUNA MODULE “STAR MOTHER” AfterPony Status 97%
[Notes: Writings transcribed by Luna and Luna AfterPony Module 00 “Star Mother” into electronic form from parchment originals.]
I.
I felt the clues of that lost day In my bones, like the coming of a storm. The oncoming thunderhead, striking the ground Behind me with fire.
So I ran, ran to the far corners of the world, Hid in the mountains and whispered for them To Fall on me, to hide me from Myself and the memories of past wrongs.
In anger, I raised my hoof to do violence, And when it came down I hurt myself. A thousand fell at my side, Ten thousand at my right side
But a million died in my war. Oh, the day that burns me with shame, I hide like a robber who prays for the night to come Contemplating forgiveness.
II.
Can there be forgiveness across time? After the days of wrong have passed— Given wrongs, lined up like a choice feast before me, Could I take them back like a foal at play
Who has spoken out of turn? That ponies forget solves nothing; I do not forget. Celestia forgives but even in Love there is a darkness, at least on earth.
To be twinned, is my wish. To be doubled, to have beside myself a sister to my own likeness, If only to send her back to walk the Firmaments and trace my Via Dolorosa
Back to the garden in the stars, To come at last to that crossroads where love meets Insatiable curiosity, a disguise which Lust bears...
A Second Luna to choose a second choice.
III.
It comes to me.
I begin to understand the truth of my predicament. I cannot move past what I’ve done. Of course, everypony besides me has. It’s not a matter of actual blame put on my shoulders by other ponies. Far from it, for Twilight and her friends have all welcomed me. I am accepted in the hamlet of Ponyville, and the residents of Canterlot begin to greet me in the streets with some of the warmth they do Celestia. It is all I ever wanted, on that Night long ago.
Night. Of course, I know there is no day or night among the stars. But my connection to Ithil is still strong even out in the darkest black of space. It seems appropriate that the evil came from me in the time I call my own.
I say from me, for I think Celestia gives me too much credit, and herself not enough. It was not the Lunangrad Council that swayed me into sin. True, they led me down the path that I took, and it was by their suggestion that the fleets took to the air. It became a true war for the ages because of them. A million and a half, dead. Mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, children, old, young. Villages bombed, cities burning, forests leveled, plains blasted.
But it all began with me. Inside of me were planted the seeds of the wider darkness.
I called it a garden, but it was not. I suppose I felt whimsical when first I discovered it. The nebula was a kind of wonderland when I was younger. Back in those days, I was happy, and Equestria was not yet born. Ponies were few on the earth, and Alicorns such as my sister and me were still simply their friends.
So I came into it as a child. It accepted me and my wide-eyed wonder with trembling and birth. It made for me the most beautiful visions! But of course, in the midst of all the adventure and beauty of the garden’s dreams, I did not realize that I was their source.
The garden only uses what it finds. It took my memories of earth, with its waterfalls and adventurous ponies, and crafted tales for me as real dreams are wont to.
I returned to it. When I was sad, or when I was restless among the little ponies of Equestria. And it never disappointed me, after all, did it? It never did.
He never did.
IV.
My Heart has been full of things, Like a warehouse full of Faces and strange Events And I begin to fear that I shall never be rid of them all.
V.
It has been four weeks.
I know Celestia is worried. She sent a note this morning by Twilight’s familiar. It was four pages long and was filled with all sorts of mundane reports of her doings.
They made me happy. She described it all for me, and it reminded me of the game we used to play as younger ponies. We wrote each other stories and songs, and I always won.
But she is worried. She says so. She was gentle, but I know it’s eating her up inside that I’m here all alone. Part of me wishes to wallow in self-righteous anger She fears that I will betray her. Part of me hangs its head. she knows that this is how it happened so long ago. The rest of me knows that it will be time to go home soon. I cannot run forever. Nopony can.
But... perhaps I shall have an answer.
VI.
Night is not dark but rather it is A meeting of light and dark. I am in the waxing moon. Or is it the waning?
Half light, the going either way, the Beginning of some terrible thing. Sister, tell me truly when I return What you think of day? Does it burn? The night freezes me.
VII.
It is time to go home.
VIII.
I am delayed by a dream. I must record it.
I sat alone at the mouth of my chosen cavern. The moon was up, and full, illuminating the icy wasteland below.
I took to the sky, feeling some pull from out in the wilderness on my heart. Following this compulsion, I soared over empty tracks of snow until at last the world itself began to change around me. The wind was no longer quite as cold. Below me was a strange and wonderful country, so bright and beyond Alicorns’ ken. Even now, it fades from my memory in mockery of all my attempts to nail it down and get a good eye for it.
But I flew on and on until I came unto a bright golden pedestal in the sky, above the clouds. The moon was hanging in the sky so close that in waking life I would’ve panicked for everypony’s safety. Yet in the dream I was calm, as often I ease the fears of those I visit in the night.
In this strange dream, I saw... I cannot write it here. It was beyond words. Too holy to be spoken, but I feel like I must. But... can I? Is it permitted?
I saw the Song.
I heard it too, like I did in the first days of my youth. It was the first Song, the one that began the world, and there Celestia and I and all of our kin. I saw us being born.
And then I saw the Singer pick me up. My heart lept within me.
But... there were two of me. In her hand, there were two of me. One was asleep and still as unto death, and the other was myself (somehow I knew this) and that one sang as best it could with its still-unformed voice.
And then I woke, panting in the night and drenched in sweat.
I have agonized about my many sins. I have wept over them many times and wished that there could be a way to go back and do it all again. Or to be replaced, or for someone to go in my stead and do what must be done.
But what if I could? What if that is the answer? A second Luna. What if my foolishness was indeed the answer? Was it all spelled out in the Song, and I forgot? If only I knew! But I have lost so much of that golden melody. Celestia has more of it. Our sister Eon kept it all in her heart. But I have lost it in great part. It lies somewhere on the moon.
But it could be done.
Equestria’s magic has come far. Her technology has surpassed the steam of my own days. Electricity is becoming more and more commonplace, and earth ponies who once were held in wordless awe of the magic of foals now command light with impunity. Pegasi who once were tied to Unicorn masters can now grow their own food in the clouds. Had I not seen this last revelation with my own eyes, I would have never believed it.
I return home with an answer. Surely, in the years that come, there will be a way for me to find peace. I will discover or make or summon this twin, this Second Luna.
And then history will happen as it should have, and I will have my absolution.
I take a deep breath. My eyes are closed, and I can feel my wings stir. They begin to flare out by instinct as the skin beneath my coat rises up in goosebumps. I wince.
The suit’s off. The Ghost ripped it up bad anyhow, so I’ll need to grab a new one if I get a chance. If I’m alive. But I also figure that I might need to be prepared to be as hard to grab as possible. There are too many little things on the suits for the Ghost to get ahold of for my liking.
I worry about my wings. Just because they’re next to useless doesn’t mean they aren’t a part of me still, after all. I’m pretty sure the area where my left wing meets my body is bruised badly, but I haven’t really had the time to check how bad it is.
But somehow, I feel like it really doesn’t matter. Or, it won’t matter, to be more accurate.
I look down at the last route out of the habitation ring. The exit that’s usually hidden under my bed is exposed to the open air and my eyes are glued to it. It’s just... sitting there, waiting for me. It’s just a hatch, I know, but it feels like something more in this moment. It’s like this is some kind of threshold, and once I go over it I never come back. Maybe I don’t come back. Maybe I just shoot down that long passage and come out on the other side and just... I don’t know. The Ghost finds me, I guess. Before I can do whatever it is that Star Mother can’t tell me.
Because she still can’t tell me the last parts. It’s a very important part of her test, apparently, that it all be secret.
Second Luna. Second chance. It sounds kind of crazy to me. But... I guess I get it, a little. I can see Rainbow Dash falling into the exhaust port in my mind, and I know I can understand wishing you could go back and change something. Or make it better.
But my Ghost, the physical manifestation of Rainbow Dash with red eyes and everything, is an accident. Or, really, it just wasn’t designed to be part of the whole test or whatever. Star Mother didn’t explain well, mostly because I was trying to focus on scrambling out of my old suit and moving things around in my room.
The Ghost has cheated, of course. The part of him that is in the computers has been working against the locks on the doors that Star Mother reinforced while we talked. As soon as time is up, they’ll open, and he’ll be over the dresser and on me in a heartbeat.
Or at least, he would be if I hadn’t carefully torn the mattress off of it’s lightweight frame and pushed it up against the door. Keeping it from falling was frustrating, but it should prove distracting enough. Hopefully.
The course is clear, literally right in front of me.
“Star Mother?”
“Yes, Scootaloo?”
“Will you stay with me?”
“I’ll be with you every step of the way, Scootaloo. Are you afraid?”
“Yes.”
I shake. We need to get this show on the roll.
“Star Mother,” I whisper, “Why can’t I just...” I gesture with my head at the hatch, still closed.
“He is in the systems. He will be able to follow you with the sensors if you go now. Please, Scootaloo, I am trying.”
I sigh.
He’d also hedged his bets. I don’t really know why, but he’s determined to get to me as well, and he knows Star Mother won’t let him. Of course he’d use the pressure sensors around the hatch doors to track my leaving and get a fix on me. Though... something just seems off about that. Won’t he know anyway when I’m out in the open? There’s nowhere to hide in the Spine.
“But he’ll know where I am anyway, right?”
“Perhaps. Please, Scootaloo. Let me think, I implore you.”
Wait. Think?
Star Mother can think more in a second than I possibly can in days. In a single second, she can do calculations that would take me an hour or more with some time left over to write up a full evaluation of my psychological condition, play a hundred games of chess, and monitor everything visible by camera on the ship. And think up something frustratingly computer-like to say to me if I feel like being stupid later on.
Since when does she need time to think?
But I don’t say anything. She seems serious. Heck, she sounds tired and as weird as that is, I don’t wanna distract her. She’s all I have left. I may be a decent fighter, but that thing has teeth. Big teeth. Sharp teeth. Gods, I have to stop thinking about those teeth.
The Ghost. It’s still a mystery to me, where exactly he/she comes from. Star Mother admitted that while the first one has its origins in the nebula’s influence, the violent Dash is her own Shadow. The two became one somewhere along the way.
Of course, she was kind of vague about the Shadow. When I asked, all she would say was that it was “Part of her,” or that it was from “Inside of her.” Which, to be honest, doesn’t mean much. A virus, I asked, but she shot that idea down. No, it was intentional. More like... a time bomb.
Which I told her was a wonderfully encouraging description.
I was about to reflect on the fact that kind of made me a cosmic babysitter when the Ghost speaks.
“Time runs thin, Star Mother.”
“But it is not extinguished.”
He tsks.
Gods, if she doesn’t hurry this up... I stamp my hooves on the floor and steal a glance at Rumble. I hid all the pictures in the footlocker off to the side, knowing that the Ghost will tear this place a part when he busts through the mattress. It’s sentimental of me, and I wouldn’t want anypony to know... but the thought of him crushing my pictures just bothers me. Even the one I keep face down. Actually, especially the one I keep face down.
“Time is ticking, Star Mother. Answer?”
“Scootaloo?” I breathe in deeply and answer.
“Yeah?”
“I am glad we were friends.”
The hatch pops open, and I let out my breathe in a gasp, diving for it. In front of me, I hear the door slide up and the Ghost roaring.
“Scootaloo!”
I am poised over the hatch, looking down into the long tunnel that connects the ring with the main body. It’s only a few seconds, only a few seconds... only a few... Gods, this was such a stupid plan!
And then the mattress moves in the corner of my vision and I jump down into the opening.
I speed through it like a bullet through a rifle, propelled by my momentum. The brightness of the Spine rushes up at me, and in a moment I am free.
But I’m still going way too fast.
As I unfurl my wings and try to catch the strange airs of the Spine, I cry out a curse for Star Mother. I tumble through the weightless Spine, my speed not diminished at all.
I hit the other side headfirst and all around me is fuzzy white for a moment. I feel sick, as if somepony’s reached in and twisted my stomach upside down and tied it around my spine.
“Scootaloo!” Star Mother.
Crazed laughter, in response. The Ghost.
“You have the worst plans,” I try to say, but it comes out all flat and soft and wrong. I shake my head, and the fuzzy vision begins to clear. There, in front of me, is the Heart.
I push off, and begin flying towards it. My wings are tucked against my side, and the left one is aching again. Gods, I hope I didn’t catch it on something sticking out of the wall. I’ve left panels open before.
It’s so close, but I know he’s right behind me. I can’t risk turning around to watch and throwing off my path, but I want to so badly. I need to see him, need to know how far away he is or how close he is.
And I land. My hooves scramble all over the surface, looking for a manual release for one of the little doors inside. I can hear Star Mother’s voice, but it seems far away.
“Above you!”
Oh. Gods, of course it is. I swing a hoof up and hit the pressure pad. The circular door opens up like a vessel into a real heart, and I swing in.
It closes behind me in a metal swirl and I fall back into the mist of the Heart, panting.
The thicker, terrible mist is still here, and I cough. It’s not the stuff that knocked me out... at least, I think it’s not. Gods, I hope it’s not. Outside, I can hear the Ghost beating at the doors, looking for a way in.
But this is the Heart, the seat of Star Mother’s mind. He’ll never break in here, not in a million years. No matter how much of the ship he takes, he’ll never take the Heart. I’m sure of it.
And yet...
“Star Mother! Star Mother, I made it! What now? Hello?”
I hear her, but it’s so soft, like she’s whispering.
“Star Mother!”
This was her plan: make a run for the Heart, and she would close the door behind me. It had sounded crazy; I’d complained and tried to point out all the ways it could fail, but she had insisted. If I hadn’t known any better, I’d have thought she was beginning to panic when I seemed like I was considering just staying put. So I relented.
And now... here I am. Stuck. Of course, I’d been stuck before... but somehow this was worse. I cough again, and try to look around me. The Heart is full of awful, thick fog. It smells of blood and sweat, and I have no idea why. I hold a hoof to my mouth, but there’s no way to escape the foul smell and the mist. It’s everywhere, in everything. My coat is matted already, and I feel like it’s sinking in to stay.
“Star Mother! Star Mother, what do I do? I don’t know what to do in here!”
“Mother!” The Ghost is yelling outside, pounding on the heart. “Have you done it? Have you done it?”
“Star Mother!”
“I am here!” Her voice is so weak, like someone who hasn’t spoken in ages. It cracks as she continues.
“Scootaloo! My... pod.”
Aw, screw it. I can’t find that in here like... oh. I see it as it lights up like my own pod does, along the hatch. They’ve never done that before.
I don’t have time to wonder about it. I do my best to swim over to it, avoiding another pod—Pinkie’s, I can tell from the pink glow coming out of the interface as I duck my head—and trying not to cough my lungs up.
I reach the pod and grab it as best I can, clinging to it like an idiot. Great, I’m a bug splattered on some stupid foal’s rhino ball now. “Star Mother? What the hell do I do with this thing?”
The lights outlining the hatch begin flashing in sequence.
That’s not normal. Mine never does that, not like this. I crawl across the surface, looking for the interface about halfway down the pod. The dark blue light underneath the buttons is going wild. When I reach it, I start typing in my access code on the buttons with my hoof, carefully using the edge... and then the screen comes to life before I can finish. I turn my head to get a better look at it, and see words.
OPEN.
The Ghost is banging on the Heart’s doors somewhere behind me.
“Where are you? WHERE ARE YOU?”
I stare at the simple request, terrified.
What is in this pod? There’s not supposed to be anything except a few genetic samples, an empty chair, and some simple equipment like my own pod. The circuitry containing the growing AIs, I guess... what could be in there?
I look around, but there’s nothing to pry it open with. “C’mon, Star Mother, I can’t do this with just hooves!” I try to pull at it with my teeth, feeling stupid. Nothing happens, of course, except that now I have an awful taste in my mouth.
I go back to the interface. She didn’t say it was jammed. Damn, I’m stupid. I punch in the rest of my code.
The hatch beside me begins to open slowly, and more of that mist pours out. Perfect. Just beautiful! I cover my mouth with a hoof and try to fan it away. This can’t be good.
As it opens up all the way, I peer in.
“Oh... oh, Celestia. Oh Celestia, no.”
I was not prepared for this. Anything, anything but this. There was no way to prepare for this. Nothing she could have said.
“Oh gods, Star Mother. Why didn’t you tell me?”
A pony lays in the pod, covered in blood and what I can only assume is the left over material from its strange birth. It’s a mare, and I recognize her almost right away: Star Mother, as she was in my dream, her wings folded against her blue coat which is matted in sweat and condensation and filth. Her eyes are shut tight and her mouth curled into a grimace, showing her teeth as they grind together. She is dreaming: her legs twitch as if trying to run, her tail tries to swish back and forth, but it is trapped by the confines of pod. She’s curled up in a little ball, for all the world like a foal in the womb.
Her eyes open suddenly, and I jerk away, horrified.
“S-scootaloo? Hm...?”
The words are strange, almost as if she’s chewing on them, tasting them in her mouth. Her speech is slurred and rough.
“Gods... Star Mother? Is that you?”
“I can’t see.”
“I... at all? You can’t see at all?”
“I see... I don’t understand. I’m not sure. Scootaloo? Is that you?”
“Yeah... yeah, it’s me. I’m here. It’s alright.”
She whimpers.
Outside, the Ghost is going ballistic. “I claimed you! Star Mother, come out! This isn’t what happens! This isn’t how our chase ends! Where is my answer! Where is it? You have to give me an answer!”
She’s way too big to stay in the pod... but I don’t want to touch her. Maybe it’s how gross she is, but I doubt it. It’s just... it’s been so long. So long since I touched anypony at all... It scares me. She scares me.
The Ghost screaming outside scares me.
But I can’t just let her lie there, whimpering like a foal. Because, isn’t that what she is? She’s helpless, vulnerable. One look at those weak wings, and I know she can’t fly yet. They aren’t like mine, but it’ll take a lot of work to get them in strong enough condition to support her. Her legs are thin, if not horribly so. She needs me.
I nuzzle against her cheek, trying not to flinch as she blindly copies the gesture against my own cheek. I try to stay firm, so that she can feel that I’m there. She shifts in the pod seat and wraps her hooves around me feebly, and I shiver.
But I don’t leave. I let her feel me, and she smiles.
“Scootaloo?”
“I’m surprised you can talk already. Whatever. Yes, Star Mother?”
“That’s... not my name.”
I shrug. “Whatever you say. New names, new body. Why not? Let me get you out of there, alright?”
She nods, and I pull my body away from the opening. Her grip on me is weak, but it’s enough, and she comes free.
Star Mother floats in the mist and coughs.
“Were you gonna tell me about this?”
“I can tell it all now, I think...”
I hear something rip, and look sharply at the source of the sound. The Ghost? It has to be. He’s been freaking out for awhile now.
“Can he get in?”
“I... I left. I don’t know.”
Perfect. My question is answered as a panel on the far wall explodes and a door opens slowly. The Ghost’s eyes peer in from the opening, staring straight at me... and at Star Mother.
He’ll tear her apart.
“Star Mother! Star Mother, can you see?”
“It’s so confusing...”
“It doesn’t matter,” the Ghost says, and he is in the Heart. I let go of Star Mother and let her drift behind me.
He’s changed. He’s obviously male now, with Rainbow’s mane and Star Mother’s coloring. He has no cutie mark, and his eyes are the worst shade of red. He grins at me, showing off those awful teeth.
“The chase is done.”
Behind me, Star Mother echoes him. I want to look back, but I don’t. I keep my eyes glued to the Ghost’s red eyes.
“Yeah. Yeah it is,” I say, not caring that he’s obviously not talking to me. Screw him and his stupid chase. He’s right, though: Star Mother can’t run, and I can’t carry her along with me and evade him. It ends here.
It ends here with his face a bloody wreck, that’s how it ends!
“You wanted a chase? You got one! But I want a fight. I’ll open those damn red eyes of yours! You ain’t never tangled with the likes of me! Chase this!”
We’re tumbling in the mist. I try to fight him, beating at him with my hooves, but I can hardly move. Under my pummeling he is soft, too soft. His flesh is softer than a pony’s should be and it is so wrong.
Any moment now, and I’ll feel those teeth tearing into me. I can almost feel them now...
But it never comes. He’s shaking, sputtering. His eyes are wide and staring off into space. He’s trying to say something, but all that comes out of his mouth is a kind of strangled whine.
My head and heart are pounding. As his grip tightens and he gets louder, I start to scream at him.
“Get off! Get off me! Let me go, gods damn it, let me go!”
But he doesn’t. He’s shaking; his teeth are grinding together so hard that I’m amazed they don’t break. Veins bulge out on his neck and face, and they twist and contort as if something inside him is expanding.
It’s so cold. It’s like being hugged by the vacuum.
All I can see is his shoulder now, and I feel my back hit the wall of the Heart and some panel or interface dig into my coat. But it feels miles away. All of it feels far, far away. It’s so cold... Why is it cold? Everything feels strange. I can’t move.
It’s so dark. Where’s Star Mother? Where’s the Heart? Where is the Ghost?
I can’t feel my hooves or my wings.
But I can still see, a bit. Everything is bathed in the purple mist that I recognize from the dying Ghosts of Rainbow. Is that what happened? Did he dissolve?
Another thought occurs to me in the strange stillness: maybe he killed me. Maybe he came down so hard and fast on my neck with those teeth of his that he broke it and I died before I knew what hit me. Maybe I’m the Ghost now, wandering in the mists. Maybe I’ll see Rainbow Dash now, and it’ll be me who falls apart all over her.
The Ghost is completely gone, nowhere to be seen. It’s as if the ship never existed.
I sit alone.
I don’t know how long I walked in the mist numbly before I found her.
It was just a shape at first, in the distance. Like, a silhouette, one of those shadows you cast on a wall to make foals laugh.
And now I’m sitting in front of her as she sleeps.
Rainbow Dash. My Rainbow Dash, my hero. Rainbow Dash who should have been a Wonderbolt. Rainbow Dash, whose rose-colored eyes are beautiful and whose wings once were like a goddess’. Rainbow Dash whose body is perfect, whose voice was the delight of my foalhood, whose smile was the sun of my flightless days.
I’m not sure what to do with her.
Do I wake her up? Do I leave her? Will she wake up on her own, if I stay long enough?
For that matter, is she real? For all I know, this could yet another Ghost in disguise as Rainbow. But then, what if she is? What’s she going to do, die on me? Try to kill me? Already happened. I’m just... not afraid.
“Rainbow?”
She opens her eyes immediately, as if her sleep was nothing but a ruse. Perhaps it was.
“Are you a ghost?”
“Good question.”
“Scootaloo... can’t be here. She’s dead. They lost the ship out in deep space, cause of death unknown.”
I look into those eyes. “I wouldn’t know. Maybe I am. I think the Ghost killed me. Or I could be dreaming. This could be that garden stuff. Who knows?”
She sits up and looks me over. I begin to smile at her, invitingly, as if to say: “Yeah, come on, look me over. I won’t bite.”
Finally, she speaks.
“So... what now?”
That’s a good question. What now? An idea strikes me, as I consider my own probable death. Why not? Why not say it? I’ve been thinking about it since before I left. Maybe for longer than I care to admit. It’s definitely been on my mind since those videos.
“Rainbow... if I’m dead, or if I’m dreaming, do you think I should say stuff I’ve always wanted to say?”
“Like a last confession or something? I mean... I guess? I don’t know.”
“Rainbow, I think I’ve always loved you.”
She stares at me, and then replies slowly, “I love you too, squirt. What...?”
“When... when I was a kid, when I first started thinking about all that stuff. I think it was always you. I mean, I know you were like, older than me... it was just a crush. But I liked it. You were my hero.”
“Scoots...”
“I know it’s weird. It’s why I tried to never think about it as a crush. I thought about it like it was just... me admiring you. But I always loved you, Rainbow. I was jealous of Rarity. I think I still am, a little. I think she knows it, too. She always saw right through me, all those times I visited Ponyville and attached myself to you.”
I laugh. It’s not a bitter laugh.
“I guess... I guess I’m not very threatening. I’m like, way younger than you. She’s beautiful and I was never more than cute, y’know? I can’t fly, and I can’t do much of anything.”
Rainbow nuzzles me, and I tense up... but she stays solid. It feels nice, not cold at all. “You know... I wondered once, when you were a kid. I mean, kids have crushes. But, I guess I shrugged it off. Could I have done anything?”
I shake my head. “No, probably not.”
“It’s alright. I thought you liked that Rumble colt, Scoots.”
I back away a bit, so that we meet eye to eye. “Yeah. I do. If I’m honest, maybe he just might have a little bit of that lopsided grin of yours.” I laugh, and she laughs too.
“Luna made it sound like... that in the garden you dreamed what you kind of wanted to? Or brought with you? I don’t really get it. But... I have somepony I want to see. I’m going to like... wish? I guess? I have no idea. But if I really am dead, and not just in this weird dream... thing, I’m glad I got to see you again, Rainbow.”
“I hope this is a dream too, Scootaloo.”
I close my eyes, turn around, and walk on.
When I open my eyes again, I’m in the middle of Sweet Apple Acres.
Specifically, I’m about a hundred yards away from our club house. I can’t help but grin at the sight of it, all fixed up and clean. I was so proud of this place when I was a kid. My mom used to worry, but I always felt whenever we were together, out here.
I trot towards my old haunt.
She comes out when I’m about halfway there, catching sight of me quickly and waving at me. I break into a run.
I cross the distance in what seems like an instant, and perhaps is. Dreams are strange, after all.
“Hey,” she says, her voice soft.
“Hey,” I say back, and I know that the smirk on my face is Rainbow’s, but that the way my heart is beating is my own.
“I guess this means you’re dreaming about me, huh?”
“I guess. This is your album cover, almost. I’m glad you picked that one to plaster above my bed without telling me. At least you used the best one.”
She giggles, covering her mouth with a hoof and peering over the railing at me. She seems lighter, bouncier than I remember her being last time I saw her. Not at all like the videos.
“I’m glad you like it. It was my favorite too... did you listen to it?”
“I did. May I come up?”
She nods, and lowers the stairs. Babs and Applebloom put that in place, I remember now. I always thought it was awesome... though it was kind of a reminder that I couldn’t fly up to the treehouse, as a foal.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I liked it as much I should’ve. I always listened to them.”
“I’m glad. I... made them for you.”
Should I? Something tells me that it’s okay, that I should... but I’m not sure.
I nuzzle under her chin, and she nuzzles back.
“I know. I’m sorry I was stupid. I know it was painful for you...”
“But you know now,” she says, and when I look up, she kisses me lightly on the lips.
I’m stunned at the brief touch, but not unpleasantly. I’d never noticed how beautiful she really is, how wonderful she smells... how much I like it when she smiles.
“Sweetie...”
“Sh. It’s alright. I know. Let me have it, though? I’ve always wanted to.”
I smile back weakly. “Not like I can take it back, can I?”
“Nope!” She giggles again, and then sits. We face each other and I try to think of something to say. What do you say to someone who’ve you’ve... basically ignored? How do you apologize for something like this? Do you apologize?
“I’m...”
“Not good at this feelings stuff. I know. You really need to get your own lines, Scootaloo,” she says playfully.
“Yeah, yeah. But I am sorry, Sweetie. You know I love you and I never wanted to hurt you... but I’m not sure I love you like that. You’re beautiful and you’re kind and... you’re like my sister. We grew up together.”
She nods. I search her eyes for tears or some sign of sadness and find... nothing. Acceptance? I can only hope. How can I know?
“I think I knew when you and Rumble got serious. I’m... really sad right now. I mean, when you wake up, ‘right now.’ But I love you, Scootaloo. I’ll never get over it... but I can move on. I can find a pony to have and to hold, but what scares me is that you’ll leave me. I can be happy for you if you’re with Rumble, and I’ll sing for your foals and do all that silly stuff we dreamed about and joked about as kids, in this treehouse. Maybe I’ll even call Rumble by his name, if he’s good to you.” She winks at me, and I roll my eyes.
“Just... when you wake up, will you do me a favor?”
“Always.”
“Always be my friend. I know you don’t love me like that. But... I got my kiss, didn’t I? I can learn to live without any hope of that. I’ll find new hope. Be my sister.”
“Always.”
I feel tired.
I can only guess that I’m going to wake up soon. How long have I been in this weird nebula dream thing? Hours, maybe. Maybe only minutes.
But... I have one more to visit. The most important visit of all I saved for last. Two wrongs made right.
Now for the one thing I did do right the first time around.
He sits on our bed, smiling at me. Well, his bed. It’s not ours yet.
It’s my first time. I’m shaking like a leaf, my wings stiff and awkward. I feel like a fool, even knowing it’s all a dream. Especially knowing it’s a dream. I try to let go of that knowledge, and let myself relive this again.
“Hey,” he says. His voice is soft. I’m not sure his voice has ever been this soft.
“Hey,” I whisper back.
He pats the bed, and I know my face is pure crimson as I climb up beside him.
He kisses me, and it’s gentle, friendly. Kind. He kisses my forehead, and nuzzles me.
“You seem a little nervous, Scootaloo.”
“I swear to Celestia, if you’re just gonna make fun of me...”
He laughs softly, and kisses my cheek, working his way back down to my mouth again. He brushes his lips against mine and I sigh.
I should stop running. I can afford to stop running for a night. Especially for this. Especially for him.
“I love you,” I whisper, and kiss him back like he deserves. He responds in kind, wrapping his forelegs around my neck, pressing closer to me, holding me firmly in his grip. I feel safe here, protected. Encircled.
We fall backwards.
I open my eyes, and the first thing that greets me is the album poster of Sweetie Belle. I touch a hoof to my lips, remembering the touch of her own.
“Scootaloo? You’re awake! I was a little worried.”
I look over at the source of the voice. Star Mother is sitting beside my bed, reading something. She slides a bookmark onto the page with her teeth and then comes closer to the bed. Timidly, she nuzzles my cheek. I smile and return the greeting.
“I’m glad you’re safe, Star Mother.”
She smiles. “I am glad to be safe, Scootaloo. You were brave. And I have a new name now.”
“Oh?”
“I was born at last, was I not? Call me Selene. Do you like it?” I nod, and she continues. “I am glad. I am also glad that you’ve woken at last. I was beginning to wonder whether or not you would, after taking in so much of the garden’s influence.”
“I... took in just enough. Wasn’t that brave, really. I mean, he would’ve just dissolved on you too, right?”
She shakes her head. “No. Well, yes, but not as harmlessly as you think. May I tell you a story?”
I shrug.
“Luna, my mother, made me to do right what she did wrong, do you remember? When she came here, full of resentment and worries, her sorrow was so great that it birthed a Shadow. He understood her, followed her in the dream, preached and convinced and wooed, and she accepted him at last. That is how she became Nightmare.
“So she sent me here, to face my own demon; my own Shadow, programmed into me but rooted in the faults of Luna from whose mind I was born.”
“And you won.”
“Yes, with your help. I... I considered it, Scootaloo. How could I not? At first, he was kind. He distracted me, showed me such... wonders and puzzles that only I could solve. Flatteries, empty but pleasing. He connived and I was torn from you. He stole away my voice at last, and my precious systems, and I fought him. And when at last my body was ready, he knew he had lost his chance to join with me. So instead he would have driven me mad in the dream of the garden of the stars.”
“But... why was he focused on me, too?”
“There were two Ghosts at first, mine and yours. Do you remember the day that Rainbow was hurt in the Heart?”
I grimace, and shiver. “Unfortunately.”
“It was on her own pod that she burned. It was linked to her by more than genetic material, Scootaloo; all the pods are hybrids of magic and technology, the same as I was. The anger and the pain she felt... the desperation for you to help her... it scarred her pod’s growing AI.”
I can connect dots when they’re easy enough. “So... when she was sad and looking for me...”
“The AI only knew it needed you. It was frustrated, and it cut itself off from me. I think it began to understand shame. But I may never know, for the Ghost has wounded it greatly and it will be silent for a long time. Alone, it was vulnerable, and the Shadow found it. The Ghosts it made were constructed from the nebula, which when condensed it disguised using it’s magic and a sample of Rainbow’s genetic material for a blueprint.”
“The nebula?”
“Luna spoke of it as an amplifier... which is true. In a way, when concentrated, it reminds one of a primitive nervous system. It’s strange. The Shadow perfected the process, making phantoms that could touch and rend. But he was still connected to me and to the system.”
“So when you left...”
“He knew it was only a matter of time before he began dying. He had one chance, and you stood in his way to keep me safe. Thank you, Scootaloo.”
I lie back against the bed, taking it all in.
“Star... Selene. Did you turn us around? How long was I out?”
“Three days. And yes, Scootaloo, I turned the ship around.”
I sigh, and close my eyes. “I’m ready to go home, Selene. Really, really ready to go home.”
