After spending Nightmare Night in Ponyville, Luna decides on how to reward the six mares who defeated Nightmare Moon and saved her from herself: Marriage.
Since her return and rescue, Princess Luna has been looking for some way to properly honor the six mares who saved her from herself, but nothing she has been able to think of has seemed meaningful enough to repay her saviors.
Nothing, at least, until she spends Nightmare Night in Ponyville, and gets to actually know the six ponies to whom she owes such a great debt. She realizes she enjoys their company, and wishes for them to spend more time with her, that she might grow closer to them.
So, in accordance with many fine and ancient traditions, and after thinking it over for a good...couple of hours, easy, she proclaims that she shall marry all six of them. Oh, and that Twilight will be marrying Celestia, too.
Now would be the appropriate time for everypony to panic.
--Cover Art Courtesy of Zemious-- --Editing Graciously Provided By BronyWriter--
NB - The sex tag is in place for sexual situations and suggestions; the story is, and shall remain, free of explicit sex.
The blue-violet silk curtains twitched as the double doors were slowly, silently pulled open, and a cloaked figure carefully stepping through them into Princess Celestia’s private chamber. Four silver clad hooves carried their owner across lavender tinted stone floor, magic dampening the sound of metal against stone, leaving the sleeping form of the Princess of the Sun undisturbed as her uninvited guest approached the royal bed. The white alicorn slumbered peacefully, a contented smile on her face as she dreamt of simple things; of peace, of a life without the constant demands of leadership, of her faithful student, adorable in her over-eager rush to please. Only in sleep did Celestia allow herself to relax, allow herself to embrace her true joys… allow herself to lower her defenses. The cloaked figure smiled to herself as she gazed down on her quarry, so completely unprepared for what was about to happen to her.
“Sister!” Luna said, choosing to employ the power of the Royal Voice for full effect. Celestia’s eyes shot open as the Princess of the Day suddenly found herself awake, bolting upright in her bed as she looked around her chambers in a panic. “Tia, I have had the most wonderful of nights, and I wished to inform you at once!” Her voice dropping to a more reasonable volume, Luna looked at her sister with a wide grin fixed to her face.
Groaning wearily and closing her eyes as she settled back into her bed, Celestia mentally checked the time via her connection to the sun before she spoke. “Luna, I’m glad that you enjoyed Nightmare Night, really. I’m also glad that you’re using a first-person singular pronoun. I’m guessing my student and her friends may have had something to do with both of those occurrences.” Had her eyes been open, she would have seen Luna's cheerful nod. As it was, she was more focused on keeping her voice even. “Now, sister, I promise you, I would love to hear all about your evening–”
“It was most enjoyable, Tia; beyond what I'd anticipated, to be sure! Dear Twilight Sparkle was most kind to us, and there were apples floating in communal water, and I threw spiders, and then I brought the spiders to life and swarmed the townsfolk with them, and then I pretended to eat a young child, and everypony was screaming…” Her own eyes closed as she recalled her evening, a slight tremor of excitement running through her as she recited the events of the night much like a filly recounting her first date.
“Luna, please, stop talking for a moment?” Celestia asked, one eye springing open at the recited events. She half-fixed her suddenly silent sister with a stern gaze, and took a deep, calming breath. “Luna, I’m going to ask you a few questions. Please, simply nod for yes, or shake your head for no. Is this swarm of spiders still terrorizing Ponyville?” She took a second deep breath, holding it until her sister shook her head. “Is the foal you pretended to eat traumatized for life now?” Another shake of the head, though oddly accompanied by a widening of the grin. “Okay, now the most important question: is Twilight Sparkle going to arrive by train in a few hours, her friends in tow, and request access to the Elements of Harmony because she thinks you’ve turned evil again?” A third, most emphatic shake of the head, and Celestia sighed in relief. “Excellent. In that case, Luna, as I was saying, I would love to hear all about your evening, at some point. As it is currently… nearly half past three in the morning and I’m trying to sleep, now is, unfortunately, not that point. Though I do appreciate that you didn’t burst in on my dreams to speak with me tonight.” Both princesses blushed slightly, recalling the first scene her younger sister had dream-walked into after her return. It was not something either wished to dwell upon.
The Princess of the Night nodded, her smile faltering only the slightest amount. “Apologies, sister. In my excitement, I allowed myself to act without thinking. I shall take my leave for now and speak with you further on the morrow.” Luna turned towards the grand doors linking Celestia’s chambers to the rest of the castle, quickly closing the distance between them as her sister settled back into her bed, sleep returning to her with surprising ease. Luna paused at the door, turning back to her drowsing sister with an odd twinkle in her eyes. “Sister, forgive me, but there was one other issue I wished to broach with you while I was here. I believe I have finally settled on a proper reward for the six mares who saved me, your student included." She paused, head tilted to the side in thought, considering if it would be better to wait for morning, then shook her head. “I believe it would honor them suitably if I were the one to marry each of them."
Celestia yawned. “Well, I already promised Twilight that I’d marry her when she decided she was ready. I don’t suppose she’d mind if we both did, though.” She twisted her head against the pillow, recalling her promise to preside over her student’s wedding ceremony, whenever that ceremony happened to take place. Twilight had blushed adorably and thanked her, prancing in place. To have your marriage officiated by the ruling princess was no small honor, and even a mare not particularly inclined to romance was certainly aware of that. She hardly doubted that Twilight would be even more pleased to learn she would be the first in more than a millennium to have two ruling princess fulfill the role, especially if Luna’s evening in her company had been mutually enjoyable. “As for the others, it sounds like an excellent reward. Well, in addition to the statues and windows you’ve already commissioned.” She smiled as she recalled her sister’s grand designs and adorably archaic idea of debts.
“I am most gladdened you agree, sister, and sharing your student shall be no issue. I shall make the necessary arrangements at once.” Her smile restored, Luna opened the door and stepped through, closing it quietly behind her. Celestia slept peacefully once more, her dreams of weddings and stained glass unburdened by her sister’s somewhat cryptic talk of ‘arrangements,’ unheard by an alicorn already once more embraced by sleep.
****
Celestia awoke, as was her normal custom, slightly before dawn. Or, more accurately, she awoke slightly before it was scheduled to be dawn. It was, after all, difficult to sleep past dawn when you were at least partially responsible for said dawn. She unenthusiastically rose from the soft, warm haven of her bed, flexing her stiff wings as her horn flared with a golden light, summoning her regalia from her dresser. Once she was dressed, she strode purposefully across the room and stepped through the opening doors onto the balcony. She inhaled deeply, letting the chill autumn air help clear away some of the lingering vestiges of sleep, and stretched out her magic through the twilight. She felt the moon’s position low in the sky as she awakened her connection with the sun waiting just beyond view. She waited a moment, letting the vast power of the star reinvigorate her until, at the proper time, she willed it to cross the horizon, bringing dawn once more to the land. Satisfied, she nodded, and in a flash of light, vanished from the balcony.
There were few times the Princess of the Day had completely to herself. Most of her day was spent ruling, surrounded by ponies who wanted something from her, be it time to hear a proposal, or funding for some project or another, or permission to undertake some personal scheme. She didn’t, in the strictest sense, mind other ponies, but even an immortal being needed some private time. To that end, she made certain that every member of the royal staff understood there were times she was not to be disturbed, save for the greatest of emergencies. No pony was to disturb the sanctity of her private chambers while she slept, and when Twilight had still lived at the palace, their sessions together were sacrosanct. Most importantly, no being, be they pony, gryphon, dragon, minotaur, or ancient god of primal chaos, disturbed her breakfast if they valued their continued presence on this plane of reality. As the palace staff half-joked to new hires, if the entire palace was on fire before their princess finished her breakfast, they were to extinguish the fire and inform her of it after breakfast.
Thus, Celestia was only mildly surprised to find the royal dining hall empty when she rematerialized there. She had expected Luna to be waiting to regale her with the previous night’s events while she ate, but there would be other opportunities. Clicking her tongue at her little sister’s good cheer earlier, the Sun Goddess smiled and took her seat at the head of the table. Two cups, one of coffee and one of tea, were already poured for her, the pots off to the side. An assortment of fruit and pastries were set on the table, and a newspaper was rested atop her white plate. She grasped the coffee mug in her telekinetic aura and lifted the hot, dark beverage to her lips to take a sip, smiling around the lip of the mug. It was perfectly made, as she’d come to expect from her staff. Without releasing the mug, she lifted the paper and smiled as she read the headline.
A Royal Wedding! the paper proclaimed in enormous letters. Celestia had been well aware of the romance between her "niece" and her Captain of the Guard, and had lately wondered when wedding bells might begin to ring. It was somewhat sooner than she’d expected, and she’d thought Shining Armor would have had the decorum to ask her blessing. Still, she couldn’t bear him too much ill will. He was an excellent captain on his own merits, and by all measure a fine match for Cadence, even ignoring the connection both had to her student.
'Wait a second,' she thought as she read further. Princesses To Wed Within the Week! a smaller, sub-heading proclaimed. 'That was an odd mistake to make,' Celestia thought to herself as she noticed the plural, her smile faltering, then fading completely. 'Why is there a picture of Luna, grinning madly and holding a bouquet below the heading?' Concerned, she began to read the article itself. She gently set the mug of coffee on the table as she began to shake, eyes widening with each word she read.
She didn’t make it more than halfway through the first paragraph before she vanished back to her chambers. She had a letter she needed to have sent several hours ago, and she feared she was already far, far too late to avert the coming disaster.
****
Twilight Sparkle was roused from her deep, pleasant sleep quite suddenly by the shaking hands of a certain baby dragon. Without opening her eyes, she spoke, her voice low and husky. “Spike… it is that day after Nightmare Night. I was up very late with my friends, including my newest friend, who happens to also be my teacher’s sister, co-ruler of Equestria, and a physical goddess of untold power. With that in mind, it was understandably a very strange night. Now, you remember the ‘Morning-After-Very-Strange-Night' rule, don’t you, Spike?”
“Yeah, yeah, extinguish fire, report fire afternoon,” the dragon answered, shivering at his sister/mother/boss’s dark tone. “I’m not happy about being up either, but Celestia sent a letter. Three red ribbons!” Spike jumped back as Twilight leaped up, eyes springing open.
“Three red ribbons? Oh, oh no, this is bad, Spike. Really bad. Even Discord only warranted two ribbons! What in Equestria could be bad enough for three?” A letter from the Princess bound by a red ribbon meant some kind of emergency; the more ribbons, the more she needed to panic. Her anger faded, replaced by panic as she snatched the letter from Spike’s clawed grip with her magic, ignoring the sense of exhaustion and the accompanying headache as she snapped the seals open and unrolled the scroll.
Normally, Celestia’s letters were eloquent, detailed, finely written things, no matter the situation or content. She was as controlled and attentive to the little things when she wrote a short missive inquiring how Twilight’s day had been as she was in a formal response to her student’s reports. And she always, always addressed them to ‘My Most Faithful Student.’
This letter, by comparison, was clearly rushed. The strokes of the pen were harsh and jagged instead of the Princess’ normal gentle, curved hornwriting. “Twilight – Gather friends. Run. Bring Spike, avoid cities. Will explain soon. – Celestia.” That was it. No details, no further instructions, just a command to run. A normal pony might question such an odd missive. A normal pony might wonder why she should run, or why the Princess seemed to have abandoned all semblance of composure. Twilight Sparkle was not, in this particular regard, a normal pony. She snatched Spike in her aura, along with an emergency saddlebag she kept handy for just such a situation, threw them both on her back, and dashed down the stairs, screaming as she ran across the library to the door. She didn’t know what was happening to have so shaken the unshakable Princess of the Sun, but she didn’t intend to wait and find out. Finding her friends was the only thing on her mind as she opened the front door.
And was immediately blinded by the flashes of dozens of cameras as twice that number of ponies pressed up towards her door, all shouting at once.
“Miss Sparkle, how long has this been in the works?” one pony, a mare by the sound of it, asked as Twilight blinked, trying to recover her vision.
“Do you have any comments to the ponies who object to that kind of arrangement?” another pony, probably a stallion, inquired.
“Isn’t it true that one, or both of them, is really your mother? How does that enter into the equation?” a third, another stallion, asked.
“How does it feel to be simultaneously engaged to both Princess Celestia and Princess Luna?” a mare standing right next to Twilight asked. “Follow-up question,” she continued, her voice dropping suggestively. “Have the three of you, and the other five ponies involved, worked out the… sleeping arrangements yet?” Somehow, she managed to make a wink audible.
Twilight stepped back into the library, slamming the door telekinetically closed once she was safely inside. She stared at the door for a long moment, her brain locking itself down defensively as it tried to process what in Equestria was happening. She barely noticed when Spike belched up another scroll. Noticing the unicorn’s present state, he tore open the scroll himself, revealing another hastily penned, if longer, letter, which he promptly read aloud.
“Twilight – Luna has publically announced that she intends to marry you and your five friends. Also, you and I are to be married as well. Sorry, should have mentioned that in first letter. Watch out for the press. Recommend prayer as best hope – Celestia." There was a slight pause as the pair both processed the information he'd just read. "Well, at least that explains all the ponies outside, huh, Twilight?” He nodded to himself, satisfied that at least one mystery had been solved.
Twilight Sparkle continued to stare at the door for a moment longer, before she settled on the best course of action, and shouted, as loudly as her lungs would allow, “What!?”
Spike blinked at Twilight's outburst, his ears ringing from the volume. “I was just reading the letter, Twilight. It says–” Before he could repeat the contents of the letter, he was unceremoniously shrugged from his seat on Twilight’s back, and landed rather uncomfortably on the floor.
“What…? No, this doesn’t make any sense. How am I suddenly engaged to both princesses? Did something happen last night?” She began to trot in place, her steps high and nervous. Spike took a step away from her, recognizing by now the signs that she might not be in the most lucid of moods anymore. His retreat was interrupted as a red-violet aura surrounded him, and he found himself pulled through the air, face to face with a slightly deranged looking Twilight. “Spike, did my friends and I all get drunk with Princess Luna last night and then engage in wildly inappropriate behavior?"
He considered his options. Part of him, a very small, stupid part, wanted to tell her that yes, they had all gotten wasted and had an orgy right in the town square while everypony watched. The look on her face would almost be worth his subsequent death as she went on a panic-induced rampage. A larger, growing part of him wanted to focus on that mental image for a moment, particularly Rarity’s involvement in the proceedings. A dopey smile began to spread on his face as he indulged himself briefly, until a violent telekinetic shake brought him back to reality. Sighing, he settled on the truth. “I don’t think so, Twilight. After the town party broke up, the Princess said good-bye to Pinkie, AJ, and Dash, then the two of you went off so Luna could thank Fluttershy again, and she left. So unless she came back after I fell asleep…” His voice began to trail off at the end as he one more imagined the potential scene.
Twilight dropped the fantasizing dragon, nodding nervously to herself as she left him to smile blithely at nothing. “Okay… okay, good. Good, that’s what I remember, too. So I didn’t lose my virginity to the Princess of the Night or any of my friends while I was too drunk to remember. That’s… comforting, I suppose,” she muttered to herself as she began to pace in a circle, her mental state quickly deteriorating. “Focus, Twilight, have to focus. Think of the facts,” Her left eyelid began fluttering nervously as she tried, unsuccessfully, to not panic. “One - Princess Luna wants to marry you and your friends. That’s bad. Maybe some of them will think it’s fantastic. Not important right now. Two - you also ended up publicly engaged to your mentor, somehow. That’s… let’s reserve judgment on that for the moment. Three – an unknown number of reporters, though presumably at least four, are waiting outside of your door, blocking your only means of escape. At least one of them is saucy.”
“Uh, Twilight, can’t you just teleport past them?” Spike asked, the distracting fantasy losing some of its appeal as Twilight began to devolve into madness.
“Four – a baby dragon is in the living room making helpful suggestions. Keep him handy; he might be useful, if only as a projectile later.” She enveloped him in her telekinetic aura again, and yanked him towards her as she sat, catching him and wrapping her forelegs around him tightly. “Thanks for the reminder, number one assistant.”
“No problem,” he replied, his voice muffled by the lavender fur pressed against his mouth. He really needed to learn to stop trying to reason with her when she was like this.
“Okay, so here’s the plan. First, teleport around, gather up the others. Second, run away and assume new identities as far from Canterlot as possible. Third, if running fails and Luna catches us, cast ‘Want It, Need It’ spell on one of the others and hope it distracts Luna long enough for the rest of us to run.” She nodded to herself, considering her options. “Rainbow Dash or Rarity as preferred target. They seem like the kind to enjoy it, don’t you think? Yes, definitely. They’ll probably thank you. Any objections from anypony?” Her ears flicked nervously as she looked around the room, having laid out her “plan.”
“Yes, several,” the dragon offered as best he could She was squeezing him tighter the longer she went on, and he was already beginning to have difficulty breathing.
“Good, no objections from anypony,” she announced, emphasizing the final two syllables. She ignored the groaning dragon clutched in her forelegs as her saddle bag floated to her. “Emergency supplies, including scrolls and quill to correspond with the potentially less insane princess, check. Off we go.” Before Spike could try to voice another complaint, the pair vanished in a flash of light.
****
Fluttershy smiled as the first rays of the sun shone through her bedroom window. The morning after Nightmare Night was, quite possibly, the timid pegasus’ favorite morning of the year, for she recognized its true significance; it was the morning furthest away from the next Nightmare Night. Hearth’s Warming morn was a distant second, for as much as she loved friendship and togetherness, it simply couldn’t compete with the of peace of mind of having a full year until the next Nightmare Night. Her absolute refusal to sleep on Nightmare Night had the added benefit of leaving her too tired to be frightened, so all in all it was a pretty good day for her.
She slowly walked down stairs, smiling gently, and made her way into the kitchen. She filled a brass kettle with water for her tea and morning oats, and set it on the stove to heat. Last night had been particularly stressful, even by Nightmare Night standards. It was bad enough to see foals running around dressed as monsters, but Nightmare Moon herself appearing on her doorstep had put even more of a strain on her already frayed nerves. Of course, once the initial shock of a Princess appearing at her doorstep, accompanied by the secondary shock of the enthusiastic hug she’d received as thanks, had passed, Fluttershy had been forced to admit to herself that Luna seemed nice enough overall. That didn’t stop her from being glad that she was unlikely to see the Princess of the Night again for a long while. She shuddered at the thought of what it would be like to be in the overwhelming alicorn’s company every day.
The whistle of the kettle drew her from her reverie, and she carefully removed it from the heat, the worn surface of the wooden handle comfortable in her mouth. She finished pouring the water into a porcelain teapot, the hot water seeping into a strainer of chamomile tea. She was about to pour the rest into a bowl for her oatmeal when she heard a knock at the door. Curious, she set the kettle down and walked out of the kitchen and across the living room, as quietly as possible to avoid waking her sleeping animal friends, and gently cracked the door open.
“See, I told you I heard somepony moving in there,” a powder blue unicorn mare said to the pale green pegasus beside her. She then turned to look at the puzzled mare. “Miss Fluttershy, yes? I recognize you from your modeling work. I’m Quick Quills, a reporter with Canterlot Daily New. My associate and I were wondering if you might like to make a comment regarding your forthcoming wedding to Princess Luna?”
The door closed quietly, leaving two very puzzled ponies on the outside, and one very much in denial pony on the inside. ‘What strange ponies, just stopping by to say hello for no apparent reason,’ Fluttershy thought to herself, a forced grin on her face. ‘I’m so glad that’s what they said, and didn’t suggest that I’ve somehow become engaged without my knowledge. Because that would be bad.’ She nodded happily as she stepped away from the door, only to be greeted by a flash of light.
“Hi Fluttershy,” Twilight said to the pegasus, noticing the look on the other mare’s face; other than the coloration, mane, facial structure, and, of course, horn, it was like looking in a mirror. ‘So, that’s what I look like when my mind breaks. Interesting,’ she reflected. “Guess you already heard the news, then?”
Fluttershy nodded. “Oh, good morning Twilight. No, I haven’t heard any news. Especially no news about weddings. That would be so funny if I had.” She forced herself to laugh. “I do think I’m having a nightmare, though, which means I must be asleep without realizing it.” With that, she promptly collapsed in a twitching heap as her brain shut itself down rather than acknowledge that she was not, in fact, having a nightmare.
“That went well,” Spike deadpanned. Twilight ignored him as she bent over and gripped Fluttershy’s tail in her teeth. She briefly wondered why it tasted like vanilla before the trio vanished again.
****
Big Macintosh sat at the kitchen table, waiting for his sister to descend the stairs with the hint of a grin pulling at his lips. He and his family had a rule about Nightmare Night: nopony in his family asked him where he went after the public festivities ended, what he did when he went there, or how many mares were involved in that doing. For his part, he let the mares sleep in the next morning, and tried to keep the answer to the third question to ‘less than six at any given time.’ He was a stallion of his word, at least as far as the first part of his promise, and wouldn’t wake his sister up early for anything short of a life or death emergency, regardless of how badly he wanted to. He settled for rereading the front page story in the Canterlot Daily News for thirteenth time in the past half hour. Somehow, it hadn’t stopped being funny yet.
He was getting ready for read-through number fourteen when Applejack stumbled down the steps, bits of straw from the night before still stuck in her mane. “Mornin’, Big Mac,” she greeted with a yawn. “Good night last night?” She glanced over at him expectantly as she pulled a chipped, brown pottery mug from the cupboard.
“Eeyup,” the stallion replied simply as he watched his sister fill the mug with black coffee and carry it from the stove to the table, head titled awkwardly as she held the handle in her teeth. She sat on the bare floor of the kitchen and set the drink down, nodding towards the paper her brother had laid a hoof over.
“Anythin’ interestin’ in the paper today?’ she asked, placing her hooves on either side of the mug and lifting it gingerly to her lips to take a sip. She grimaced as the too-hot liquid flowed down her throat, and set the coffee down to let it cool.
“Eeyup,” he answered, a hint of humor creeping into his voice as he slid the paper across the table. His sister noticed the picture of Princess Luna first, followed by the headline.
“Well, Ah’ll be,” she said, impressed. “Spend one night socializin’ and she’s already fixin’ to get hitched.” She set the paper aside, unread, and tried another sip of her coffee. Still too hot. “Is it somepony from Ponyville?”
“Eeyup,” he confirmed, his smile growing wider.
“Anypony we know?” she questioned, eyebrow quirked. She could have just read the story herself, but she still felt too tired for that.
“Eeyup.” The smile was taking up most of his face by this point, and Applejack was beginning to become annoyed. She was used to her brother’s economy of words, but he normally wasn’t quite so cryptic.
“Well, are you gonna tell me who it is, or are you gonna make your poor sister wait until she’s awake enough to read it for herself?” She frowned at him in annoyance as she moved to take another drink from her mug..
“You,” He began to laugh, and his sister rolled her eyes angrily.
“Fine, then. Don’t tell me,” she snapped, and turned her attention to the article, her annoyance serving as a far better stimulant than caffeine ever could. As she read through the article, that annoyance quickly drained from her, as did most of the blood from her face. When she finished reading, she looked up at her still grinning brother. “Big Mac… is this payback for that time Ah poked you in the chest when yer ribs were bruised?” The stallion shook his head. “Those times Ah left you to mind Apple Bloom and Granny while Ah was off havin’ some kinda adventure with ma friends?” Another shake. “Any kinda joke at all?” A third shake. “Well, Ah suppose Ah’ll just be running for my life and honor now, then.” She stood shakily, wishing she’d brought her hat down. No time to retrieve it now, though. “Give mah love to Apple Bloom and Granny.”
“Reporters right outside,” he casually informed her as she turned, freezing her midstep. “Whole bunch of ‘em.”
“Ah see,” she said, sitting slowly back down. “Well then, Ah guess Ah’d better learn how to please a mare,” she muttered, head hung low. “And figure out a way to fake mah own death, so Granny doesn’t try to kill me for real when she hears about mah new ‘immoral’ lifestyle.”
“Got some books you can borrow, might help with the first thing,” Big Mac offered, unable to hide his amusement, despite his sister’s state.
“Ya’ll are enjoying this too much, Big Mac,” she groused, and then grimaced as a realization struck her. “Ya’ll been thinking about mah friends… bein’ with Princess Luna, haven’t you!” She sprang back to her hooves, glaring daggers at him
“Eeyup!” he enthusiastically replied, refusing to let himself take such an impossible situation seriously. He was about to admonish her to relax and realize it was probably a misunderstanding somepony had had, when a filly’s scream pierced the air.
“Ah need an adult! Ah need an adult!” Apple Bloom screamed from upstairs. Both her siblings were up the stairs in a flash, other issues forgotten as their baby sister called for help. Big Mac’s longer legs carried him ahead of his sister, and he burst through the door, nostrils flared, ready to defend the filly against any intruders… at least until he saw those intruders.
Twilight Sparkle sat on the small bed to one side of the filly, muttering something unintelligible as she tried to speak through the long pink tail in her mouth; the tail extended across the bed to a still catatonic Fluttershy. Frowning, the unicorn spat the tail out of her mouth. “Apple Bloom, I am an adult." She turned to the sound of hoofsteps just as Applejack walked into the room. “Oh, hi Applejack. Heard the news yet?” Her eyes were twitching in an alternating rhythm as her friend nodded.
“Twi… Ah think that Ah need an adult, too,” Applejack said, running a hoof slowly through her mane as she wondered at how surreal her morning had become.
“Well, as I just established, I’m an adult, and I’m planning to run away with all of our other friends until this all blows over. Or we’re all dead. You know, whichever happens first.” She shrugged, as if either option was equally agreeable. “Want to come with?”
“Just let me get mah hat,” the other mare replied flatly, and left the room to retrieve the garment, leaving the others in silence.
“So… Big Mac, good night last night?” Spike asked to fill the void, voice still muffled as Twilight held him against her chest. The stallion nodded, the movement just visible to the dragon. “Good, good.” Applejack walked back into the room, worn Stetson settled comfortably on her head, and stepped over to Twilight, placing a hoof on the unicorn’s shoulder. Twilight bent over and took Fluttershy’s tail in her teeth again. “Well, guess we’re going. Have a good day, buddy.” With a flash, the quartet vanished.
The remaining two ponies stared at each other, blinking in confusion at the morning’s events. “Big brother, can Ah get a restraining order against Twilight Sparkle?” the filly finally asked, weariness more than fear provoking the question. “That’s the second time she’s just randomly showed up near me with that creepy grin, and something weird’s happened both times. Ah’m worried it’ll warp mah fragile little psyche if it keeps happenin’, and Scootaloo’s been pushin’ ‘Cutie Mark Crusader Shock Therapists’ something fierce lately.”
The stallion shook his head, and settled down beside his sister’s bed to explain that the unicorn was just a mite high-strung, and that getting a restraining order against their sister’s… joint… wife-in-law would make their lives even more complicated than they already were.
And then, he had to explain what he meant by ‘joint wife-in-law.’ The day, which had started off so well, was quickly going downhill.
****
Mr. and Mrs. Cake both peered out from behind the counter at the pink mare sitting, stock still, with her back to the main door to Sugarcube Corner. She was just sitting there, staring into the middle of the room with an enormous smile on her face. Neither of them was entirely sure what was going on. All they knew was that their tenant/assistant/pseudo-daughter had burst into the bedroom slightly after dawn, announced that her Pinkie Sense had signaled, quote, “The Doozy to End All Doozies,” and then bounded off, leaving the couple to begin panicking in private. When they had nervously descended to the first floor several minutes later, they had been mentally prepared for nearly anything, up to and including some manner of rebellion by the day-old baked goods as the assorted confections rose up and began devouring ponies in revenge. Instead, they simply saw Pinkie Pie, sitting in place, a large box tied with string at her hooves.
They had taken cover immediately, husband and wife exchanging a look that expressed they would have preferred an uprising by the parfaitariat. At least then their deaths might have been swift and painless.
“Pinkie… dear,” Mrs. Cake began slowly, ready to duck back behind the relative safety of the display case, “this, uh… 'doozy’ of yours… any idea what it might be?” The younger mare cocked her head to the side, briefly thinking before she enthusiastically nodded her head, smile still fixed on her face.
“We were just wondering if we’d be safer here, or fleeing for our lives, is all,” Mr. Cake added. “Mind giving us a hint about that?”
Pinkie opened her mouth to answer, but before she could speak there was a brilliant flash of light in the center of the room. “Oh, hi girls,” she said instead, greeting her newly arrived friends. “Oh, and Spike. How’s it going?”
“Princess Luna’s fixin’ to marry all of us, so Twi’s rounding us all up so we can run away like cowards to maintain our dignity and pride,” Applejack explained, completely serious. “Guess she decided to pick you up next. How’re you?”
The pink mare’s eyes shone with glee. “Well, I was doing pretty good to begin with, since I had a massive twitchy-twitch. I mean, it was so intense I could barely see straight afterwards." Her smile, already wide, grew slightly manic. “And now I know what it meant… all of us? Like, all six of us at the same time?” Applejack nodded grimly. “We are going to need so many parties to handle this."
Twilight tried to say something, her words rendered unintelligible by Fluttershy’s tail still gripped in her teeth. “Twilight wishes to remind everypony that you’re in a bit of a rush,” Spike helpfully translated, having learned long ago to interpret her barely comprehensible requests. With a nod, Pinkie bent forward, grabbed box by the string with her teeth, and stepped over to the assembled group, throwing her forelegs around the two conscious mares dramatically. Another flash, and the quintet vanished, leaving the Cakes to stare in confusion.
“Honey… remember when this town could go months without something insane happening?” Mr. Cake asked, trying to work out what, exactly, had just happened. His wife simply nodded, wishing desperately that she could have a stiff drink right then and there.
****
Twilight Sparkle, even in her less than rational state, remembered Rainbow Dash’s habits well enough to anticipate that the pegasus would still be in bed, and so teleported the steadily expanding group directly to her bedroom. She had miscalculated the destination slightly, resulting in the party appearing directly over Dash’s bed. More importantly, she had forgotten a fairly significant detail of the bedroom in question; specifically, that it was made out of clouds. As a result, gravity promptly took control and sent them plummeting through said clouds, the combined weight of the earth ponies, unicorn, and dragon enough to drag both of the pegasi through the soft material along with them.
“Teleport us again! Teleport us again!” Spike shouted, barely audible over the roar of free-fall and the three screaming mares. As the ground rapidly rushed up to meet them, he made peace with Celestia, and declared his intent to haunt Luna for prompting this mess. The sextet vanished again five feet from the ground. Several news pegasi looked over the edge of Dash’s cloud house towards the ground, wondering what had just happened and if there was a story in it.
****
Sweetie Belle lay on the soft carpet in the main room of Carousel Boutique, looking through some of the fabric remnants her sister had given her permission to use. She was awake far earlier than she normally would have been, having been stirred from her slumber by what had sounded like somepony screaming ‘What!?’ as loudly as she could. She had briefly tried to fall back asleep, but a combination of both lingering excitement and lingering sugar from the night before had caused her to abandon that attempt after a few minutes. It was still too early to wake Rarity to get permission to go outside and play, and she was explicitly forbidden from further attempts to cook, so she contented herself with the fabric, trying to think of something nice to make to thank her sister for making Nightmare Night costumes for her and the other Crusaders.
Her efforts were interrupted by the sudden appearance of five ponies and a dragon a foot above the floor. The visitors seemed to hang in the air for an instant, all momentum temporarily arrested by the teleportation magic, followed by a short drop. Luckily, Fluttershy’s fall was cushioned by some of the discarded fabric samples, and Twilight’s, Applejack’s, and Pinkie’s were also cushioned. Unfortunately for Rainbow Dash, her fall wasn’t cushioned, and she served as the cushion for three of her friends. The impacts knocked her awake, and she groaned in pain.
“Seriously, this is the last time I drink on Nightmare Night. I wake up in pain, and I don’t even get to remember the drinking, or going to bed with… hang on, Applejack, Pinkie, and Twilight?” She smirked despite the discomfort of having three of her friends on top of her. “Wow, I guess I had some serious game last night, huh?” Her restored bravado grew as Sweetie stuck her head into view, smiling broadly. “Oh, hi there, Sweetie Belle. Dang, four in one night, that’s… wait, Sweetie Belle?”
The implication struck her with more force than her friends landing on her, and she found the strength to throw the other mares off her, leaping into the air in a panic. “Oh no. Oh, sweet baby Celestia, no. I had too much game last night! Too… much… game!” she wailed. “I’m too awesome to go to prison! Do you know what they’ll do to me in there? And that’s if Rarity doesn’t kill me and turn me into a dress for despoiling her little sister! A really frilly, girly, totally uncool dress as lasting punishment for… wait, why are we in Carousel Boutique?” She frowned as her brain,taking longer than usual to process information as a result of her sudden awakening and minor concussion, finally caught up with her. She noticed her fellow pegasus laying on the floor, partially covered by fabric. “And why is Fluttershy dead?”
“We’re picking up Rarity, and she isn’t,” Twilight answered matter-of-factly, the near-death experience jolting her partway back to sanity. “And, even though it technically wasn’t a question, you didn’t do anything with Sweetie last night, or anypony else to the best of my knowledge, and its sick that that’s the first thing you think of.”
“If you have too many games, Rainbow Dash, could I get some?” Sweetie Belle asked, innocently. “We’ve been having fewer ideas to crusade with lately, and we've had a lot of holes in our schedule. I bet Scootaloo would be willing to try any games you might have that could help us fill our holes.” The four conscious adults exchanged meaningful glances at Sweetie’s statement.
“I retract my previous criticism,” Twilight said dryly, suddenly feeling the need to take a long shower as Dash flashed her a wicked grin. She also noticed she was still squeezing Spike rather tightly, and released him with a sheepish smile. He simply shook his head and sat down, savoring the ability to breath freely again. “Sorry to barge in like this, Sweetie, but we kind of need to find Rarity and then… well, we need to find Rarity. Is she still asleep?”
The filly nodded. “She usually doesn’t get up until much later, especially after Nightmare Night. Making costumes for most of the town leaves her really tired. And cranky. I… wouldn’t recommend waking her up. The last pony who tried… it didn’t end well.” She shuddered as she remembered that particular morning. So much screaming. Her mood quickly rebounded, and she looked up at the adults, asking, “Anything I can help you with in the meantime?”
“Does Rarity have any wedding dresses on hoof, Sweetie?” Pinkie asked as she untied the box with her hooves. The cardboard top sprang open, revealing a veritable mountain of doughnuts, muffins, and Danishes, several of which she snatched up in her mouth and swallowed whole. “We’re going to need… seven, I think?”
“Eight,” Spike corrected as he grabbed an éclair. “Twilight’s getting married to both of the Princesses, so Celestia will probably need a dress, too.” He bit down on the pastry, bits of filling squirting out and striking Sweetie Belle across the face. The filly giggled, licking up the goo as the adults flinched again.
“No more éclairs,” Twilight commanded, snatching the offending pastry from the dragon’s claw with her magic and throwing it away. “And no dresses, either. We’re running away, remember?” Pinkie shrugged, then leaped into the air, catching the discarded pastry and swallowing it in one gulp, choking slightly as it caught in her throat.
“Wait, who’s doing what with who now?” Dash asked, completely lost by the sudden change in topic.
“I’ve been wondering about that, actually… why are you running away, Twilight? Can’t you just… explain to Princess Luna that you don’t want to marry her? Seems easier than starting a whole new life; especially when you six are all pretty famous." Feeling rather hungry, he picked up a powdered doughnut, sticking his tongue through the hole in the center and licking it clean before swallowing it down. Applejack looked at him, considering the idea.
“He’s got a point there, Twi. Does seem a mite easier than all this running and secrecy and panic."
“Oh, yes, that’s brilliant. We’ll just go talk to Princess Luna and explain to her that no, we don’t want to marry her. Because making her feel rejected and unloved has never ended poorly for anypony in the past, and certainly hasn’t resulted in her attempting to more or less kill everypony,” she deadpanned. “Oh, wait, no, that’s exactly what happened last time she felt that way!” Her voice echoed off the walls of the boutique, her eyes beginning to twitch again.
“I’m sorry, go back… Princess Luna wants to do what now? How long was I asleep for?” Rainbow Dash asked again as she landed and began to nudge Fluttershy with her hoof. Her legs twitched, satisfying Dash that she was, in fact, still alive.
“Alright, fine… but still, Princess Celestia, Twilight. I remember how excited you were the day she just randomly announced she’d marry you, when you were ready,” he countered, rummaging through the pastries, smiling as he emerged with a bit of spotted dick, sans custard, which he proffered to the hungry-looking filly next to him.
“I… I was excited, Spike.” Twilight nodded wistfully. “It was so sudden, but… I was prepared to wear her dress, walk down the aisle and all the rest. And even do the… naughty bits. But I wasn’t prepared for this…” she began, and everypony thought they heard a tinkling of music for an instant, until a band of blue magic wrapped itself around her muzzle, forcing her mouth closed.
“Oh, no,” Rarity said coolly as she stepped off the stairs. “I’ve already been woken up by a screaming pony and forced to make myself presentable at this unholy hour.” She shook her perfectly styled mane for emphasis. “You are not going to break into song right now. Now, you have ten seconds to explain why you’re all in my studio, uninvited, lest I decide to make you model some decidedly uncomfortable ensembles for the rest of the day.” She tapped her left forehoof against the floor. “I’m waiting.”
“Princess Luna wants to marry the six of you, and have Twilight marry Princess Celestia at the same time, and now the town is swarming with reporters so Twilight started freaking out and gathering you all up so you can run away and not get married and that’s why everypony is here and by Celestia you’re sexy when you’re angry,” Spike blurted out, suddenly slapping his claws over his mouth as he realized what he’d said.
“I… see,” Rarity released her magical grip on Twilight, and turned to face her. “That’s all accurate, Twilight?” Twilight nodded sheepishly. “Well, this simply won’t do at all.” A wicked, though not the least bit malicious, smirk formed on her lips. “Everypony, line up, I simply must begin the fittings for our gowns immediately. Thankfully, my own is already waiting.” Her magic wrapped around Twilight’s horn, blocking her ability to teleport out. “Not quite the gender I’d had in mind, but marriage into royalty is marriage into royalty.” She chuckled to herself, and Pinkie joined in, already planning out all the parties she’d need to throw.
The other three wakeful mares, meanwhile, began to panic as their eyes twitched in unison, while Spike and Sweetie Belle sat back to enjoy a pleasantly suggestive dessert.
Shining Armor stood nervously outside of the door to Celestia’s private chamber, clad in the armor of a Captain of the Guard, sans helmet, and wondering, not for the first time, why the purple sections of the armor seemed so similar to that of his little sister’s coat, and why, for that matter, the crest bore so striking a similarity to Twilight’s cutie mark. He had seen paintings of former captains wearing the same style of armor dating back centuries, so he knew it had to be a coincidence. Still, it was an odd coincidence, and served to distract him from the rather more serious concerns plaguing his thoughts. The night before, at the palace Nightmare Night party, he had finally worked up the nerve to ask Cadence’s parents for their blessing. He had been insistent on that phrasing, making it absolutely clear it was their blessing he wanted, rather than their permission. He quite enjoyed his anatomy as it was, and was well aware that his marefriend would forcibly remove certain key parts if she ever found out he had asked their permission to marry her. Her father had understood the distinction immediately, and had simply whispered, ‘grandfoals’ to his wife before realization dawned on the older mare’s face as well.
There had been only one final hurdle in place after that, certain as he was that Cadence herself would accept: asking Princess Celestia for permission. And in her case, it definitely was permission he needed. While parents hadn’t had legal authority over their adult children’s marriages in centuries, the old laws still gave the Crown Princess the right to forbid or, strangely, enforce marriage among the various princes and princesses. He hadn’t initially anticipated any issues in that regard, either. He and Cadence had made efforts to keep their relationship a secret from the Princess of the Sun, and she, in turn, had made no effort to hinder the couple. That morning, however, a disheveled guardpony had hurried up to him as he inspected his troops, bearing a message directly from Celestia herself, ordering him to report to her immediately. Dutiful as ever, the Captain had galloped towards the royal chamber, fear clenching his heart whenever he pictured the look of abject terror that had been etched into the terrified messenger’s face.
Distracted by that image, and by the fear that Princess Celestia intended to forbid his marriage to the mare he loved, Shining Armor failed to hear the pony approaching from behind until it was too late. A pair of hooves slapped across his eyes as his assailant leaped upon his back. He would insist, if questioned, that the sound which issued from his throat was a warning shout, intended to alert anypony nearby that he was under attack, and to rally the guards to his defense and the defense of the Princess. Anypony else who heard it would insist it was a high-pitched scream, more at home coming from a young filly being told her first ghost story around the campfire.
“Gotcha,” Cadence whispered in his ear playfully before she proceeded to nuzzle the back of his neck. She removed her hooves and slid off her stallions back, one leg still draped around his neck as she pulled him tight in a hug. “Oh, Shiny, this is going to be fantastic!” she said with an enthusiastic smile, unable to see the confusion dawning on her coltfriend’s face.
“Uh… yes. Fantastic,” he agreed, playing along in the hopes that he’d be able to deduce what was so fantastic before she realized he had no clue what she was talking about. “I mean… I can hardly believe how amazing it is, myself.”
Cadence nodded happily. “ I should know.” She winked at him knowingly. “Still, asking last night, and the wedding set within the week? I wish auntie had given us more time to prepare between the announcement and the ceremony. A few months to give me enough time to arrange the dress, and the caterer, and the entertainment… oh, and early summer weddings are so lovely, too.” She tilted her head back in thought, unaware of the growing panic constricting Shining Armor's chest.
‘Well, upside… I guess Celestia is fine with the marriage. Downside, she’s a little bit too fine with the marriage,' he thought to himself. To his unexpected, if not unwelcome, fiancée, he nodded.
“Yes, early summer weddings are nice. Are we sure it’s too late to plan for that?” He flinched as he considered how that question could be taken. “Not that I think we should postpone things, of course, but… well, you said it yourself, these things take time to plan properly.” He was fully aware he was playing a dangerous game, trying to distract a marriage-minded mare, especially one with the power to make him fall in love with a wood chipper if he made too great a misstep. He was about to propose they at least wait until he could properly propose, when the door slammed open, causing him to emit another rallying shriek.
“What my niece is referring to, Captain Armor, is of course the recent announcement by my sister that she intends to marry the Elements of Harmony, including your sister, by week’s end, as well as her plans to include my marriage to our mutually beloved Twilight Sparkle in that same ceremony,” a very haggard-looking Princess Celestia explained, eyeing her captain wearily. “She was not referring to any other weddings that may, or may not, occur in the future, though which would almost assuredly have my blessing provided they occurred once the current crisis is resolved, with the caveat that nopony loses sight of the issue at hoof, or causes the situation to worsen as a result of inadequate communication.” The way she was staring at him made her meaning clear to her captain, who nodded quickly. “Good. I’ve already had a breakdown in communication result in one massive headache today. I don’t need any more misunderstandings making things worse.”
“Of course, Princess. Understood, Princess.” He saluted sharply, a weight lifting off his chest. He had tacit permission to marry Cadence, Cadence was in a good mood, Celestia and Luna were going to marry his sister. “Wait. Sorry, back up. You and Princess Luna are both marrying Twilight now?”
Cadence gave him puzzled look. “Of course, Shiny… what did you think we were talking about earlier, if not that?” She squinted at her beloved as her already brilliant smile growing almost imperceptibly wider. "Are there any other weddings coming up I should know about?"
“Oh, no, I knew we were talking about that, of course,” he replied hastily, sweat beading up on his forehead as he tried to recover the conversation, acutely aware of the larger princess’ gaze upon him. “I just… didn’t catch the whole story earlier, so I thought it was just Twilight finally accepting Princess Celestia’s proposal. I didn’t realize Luna was involved, too.” He held his breath and hoped the love-oriented princess would be distracted enough by the upcoming weddings to accept the lie.
She was, to his eternal relief. “Well, that does make sense. With how busy you are most mornings, you can’t really be faulted for seeing an announcement of a royal wedding, and just assuming Twilight had finally accepted auntie’s offer. They’ve been practically engaged for more than a decade, so you didn't really have much reason to read further.” Satisfied with Shining Armor’s answer, she began to trot in place, glad that her favorite foalsitting charge had finally realized that she was worthy of happiness.
Neither pony noticed the Solar Princess’ fluttering eyelid, the royal pupils shrunk to pinpricks as her lips curled up in a tight, forced smile. “I’m… sorry. Who’s been what for how long, Cadenza?” Her voice had dropped to nearly a whisper, and she was barely able to keep the panic from it even with her lifetimes of practice concealing her emotions.
“Twiley’s been waiting to marry you for… most of her life, by now, actually,” Shining Armor casually replied, as if reminding somepony what they’d had for breakfast. “She was so excited after you told her you’d marry her when she was ready; she just kept going on and on about it. Got a bit annoying after a bit, but that little hopping-circle-dance thing she does when she’s happy is adorable enough that it makes up for it.” He paused, grinning at the remembered scene. “I mean, yeah, Mom and Dad weren’t sure it was really appropriate at first, but eventually they decided to be pragmatic about it. I think they figured that if she was waiting for you she probably wouldn’t end up fooling around with some no-account stallion and ending up with a bastard foal, so they decided not to worry about it too much.”
The twitching grew more pronounced. “So… the reason Twilight has never shown any inclination towards romance… was because of my promise to marry her, those many years ago?” Celestia asked, voice strained. She was answered by a pair of nods. “And… how many ponies were… privy to this information, captain?”
Shining Armor scratched the back of his head with a hoof as he thought. “Well… Twiley, obviously; me, mom, dad, and Spike… sweetie, she told you, right?” His marefriend nodded, eyes closed as she smiled happily. “Our grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins, a few close family friends… I think I remember a reporter finding out somehow. Mom practically kicked his cutie mark off when he came around asking questions…”
‘Well, that explains all of those marriage rumors and molestation accusations that have been floating around for the past decade,’ Celestia reflected. ‘I probably owe a few ponies an apology…and perhaps an official pardon.’ She shook her head. There were more immediate problems to handle.
“So… yes, of course. Of course I promised to marry my most faithful student. Tell me… just hypothetically, what do you think would happen if Twilight found out I’d meant that I’d marry her in the sense of performing her wedding ceremony, instead of in the sense of making her my royal consort?” Her tone was as casual as she was able to make it, which, admittedly, was not terribly casual at that precise moment.
“Well, she’d certainly be heartbroken, no doubt about that,” Cadence offered thoughtfully. “Best case scenario, she’d probably overreact and reject you completely in turn, then turn to a string of meaningless relationships and one-night stands with whatever mares and stallions she could have, both to spite you and to fill the holes, both physical and psychological, your perceived rejection had left empty. If you know what I mean.” The mare winked suggestively, while still somehow remaining completely serious in her assessment. “Long term, I’d imagine her parents wouldn’t be able to bear seeing what their daughter had become, so they’d have no choice but to disown her, forcing her to live on the streets of Canterlot and support herself as a cheap whore, since using magic would be too painful as a reminder of you.
“I’d give her… five years, at most, before they found her dead, either of exposure or from a trick gone bad, probably with a string of illegitimate foals that would end up in the foster care system.” She tilted her head to the side. “There’s also a possibility that if her talent for magic passed down to the next generation, one or more of those foals would swear vengeance against you, blaming you for their mother’s fall from grace and their own hard lives, and dedicate their lives to tearing down all you’ve built up during yours.”
Celestia stared at the young princess, mouth open, eyes wide. “That… that’s what you call the best case scenario!?”
“I think that’s actually a bit rosey, but… yeah, sounds pretty close to what I'd come up with,” Shining Armor agreed casually. “Worst case… well, in her heartbroken state, Twiley would probably swear vengeance against you herself, then use dark magic to tear all positive emotions from her soul, leaving her a corrupt, bitter mare with a single-minded devotion to your destruction. Depending on how strong her link to the other Elements of Harmony are, they might end up corrupted too, meaning there’d be a group of six mares with massively powerful magic artifacts on the loose. If your sister still went through with her planned marriage to them, there’s a chance she’d embrace the power of Nightmare Moon again, and Twiley’d almost definitly try to release Discord so she could pit him against you.
“The Guard would stand at your side initially, of course, but I’d eventually be overcome by the conflict between my loyalty to you and my loyalty to my sister. An opportunity would arise for me to kill her and end the conflict, but I’d hesitate, unable to bring myself to kill my baby sister. She’d probably end up using her dark magic to corrupt me, and through me the rest of the guard.” He titled his own head in a gesture mirroring Cadence’s earlier. “Probably… six months later, you’d be imprisoned in stone, or dead, while Discord, Nightmare Moon, and the Dark Queen Twilight Sparkle ruled over Equestria with iron hooves and claw.”
“You've thought about this before,” Celestia noted grimly. Shining Armor simply shrugged.
“If I may be blunt, Princess Celestia, I don’t have think either of us have any illusions about our sisters’ mental stability, or lack thereof. No offense meant to either your sister or your fiancée, of course. As Captain of the Guard I’ve had plans drawn up for most of the potential threats that we might have to face in defense of Equestria. Unfortunately, that includes my sister going insane and trying to murder us all. There are actually seven major plans, just for situations in which Twilight turns on us, and another two dozen minor variations for those." His grim expression brightened considerably. “I’m just glad I won’t need to use them now, since you’d never break her heart like that.
“Yes… yes, that’s true. I would definitely never try to correct a misunderstanding if the end result of that correction would be pain, heartbreak, destruction, and death.” Celestia nodded and forced herself to smile, silently wondering if she was the only sane one among a nation of madponies, or if she herself had gone mad without realizing it. “With that in mind, please come in. I… need to… have you both help me…” She paused, juggling her thoughts as she threw about for an excuse. ‘Help me figure out a way to stop these weddings,’ was the original end to that sentence, her faith initially placed in her captain of the guard and her love-minded niece to find a gracious way out for everypony involved, which wouldn’t end with her sister’s feelings of rejection resulting in another attempt at eternal night. “Help me prepare for the ceremony. Ceremonies,” she concluded, ushering the couple into her quarters. “That is absolutely why I called you here in the first place. Because I shall need…caterers. And a suitable dress. And… other things associated with modern weddings.” She wracked her brain for some way to quickly end the conversation and return to her private scheming to resolve the issues, settling on what was hopefully the most uncomfortable topic she could. “Also, I will need advice for the honeymoon. I’ve not been intimate with a mare for… several centuries. Tell me, are bridles and crops still considered default equipment for such relations?”
The advice her captain and her niece proceeded to offer left Celestia with an entirely too detailed understanding of the couple’s extracurricular activities, along with an intense need for a long, hot, cleansing bath. She gradually tuned the pair out, thinking instead of her student, picturing the poor, possibly panicked pony, fleeing for her life from her sister’s mad marriage. Visions flashed through the goddess’s mind of Twilight trapped in a dark cavern, bound and gagged by some unknown assailant, her tail pulled up…
Celestia realized what she’d begun to imagine, and changed her mind. She didn’t need a warm bath, she needed a cold shower and a significant distance from a font of love magic. ‘I can only hope, Twilight is having better luck than I am,’ she thought ruefully, as Shining and Cadence began to mime one of the suggested techniques, and Celestia fought back the urge to vomit.
****
“Oh, Celestia, make it stop!” Rainbow Dash wailed in agony. “Luna, oh dark goddess of the night and shadows, I, your future bride, pledge myself to you fully, in both body and soul, if you will make this torture cease! Ia! Ia! Luna dreams! Luna dreams!”
“Confound it, Rainbow Dash, just hold still and let me finish checking if your measurements have changed since I created your gala gown.” Rarity shook her head as her friend struggled against the tape measure around her barrel. “And ponies accuse me of overreaction and melodrama. Fluttershy didn’t give me any trouble at all. She simply stayed perfectly still and let me confirm the measurements I had on file for her, and here you are, squirming and squealing like a little filly and shouting dark and blasphemous prayers to our joint fiancée.”
“Rarity, ya’ll do realize Fluttershy’s sorta in a coma right now,” Applejack pointed out from her position next to the catatonic mare. She gestured to Fluttershy, currently laying on her side, legs outstretched, face still frozen in a mask of terror.
Rarity nodded. “I can hardly blame her, Applejack. This is all so exciting, I can barely stand it myself.”
“I knew letting you read Daring Do and the Lunar Calling was a mistake, Dash,” Twilight grumbled to herself, her horn still enveloped in a pale blue glow. “And please, please don’t say anything like that if Princess Luna finds us. There’s no way it’ll end well for us.”
“Why not, Twilight?” Pinkie asked from her spot near the pastries, sitting between Sweetie Belle and Spike and munching away at the doughy treats. “Do they really work, and they’ll make Luna all super-powerful and crazy?”
“No, Pinkie. But it would be incredibly tacky, and more than a little rude." Twilight looked at Pinkie for a moment, wondering how she was somehow able to simultaneously look terrified and overjoyed at her own suggestion. Shaking her head, she turned her attention from Pinkie and crossed her eyes to look at her horn. “By the way, Rarity, you do realize you’re no match for me in a contest of magic, right?” She looked over at the dressmaker as she continued to struggle with Rainbow Dash.
“Of course I know that, Twilight.” Sighing, she casually jabbed Rainbow Dash in a cluster of nerves known as the 'Tailor's Friend.' Dash’s legs and wings instantly went rigid as her eyes closed, the needle temporarily, and harmlessly, rendering her unconscious. “Wonderful. That’s mostly for children, and I wasn’t sure it would still work on an adult.
“No, I mean, I’m vastly more powerful. Not to brag, but… compared to me, you’re basically an ant.” She smiled weakly. "No offense."
“I’m quite aware of that, darling, and no offense taken,” Rarity nodded, turning her attention to focus on Dash. “Did you have a point you were trying to make, Twilight?”
“Well, it’s just that, this neutralizing field you have on my horn,” she began, gesturing to the shrouded appendage with her hoof. “I could shatter it without even having to exert myself, and regain full access to my magic, but the backlash would probably kill you. So maybe you want to release it on your own, so we can get out of town before Luna or her guards come looking for us?” Twilight forced herself to present a genuine-looking smile, carefully keeping an eye out for any needles heading in her direction.
“I’m sorry, darling, but I simply can’t,” Rarity answered sadly as she began to gather measurements from the second prone pegasus. “If you really feel you must, I’ll understand if you decide to kill me. Truly, it might be preferable, in the long run, to being torn away from marriage to my true love.”
“Your ‘true love,’ Rarity?” Applejack quirked an eyebrow as she looked back and forth between the two unicorns, suddenly finding herself in the position to debate which of the mares was crazier. “As Ah recall, you were passed out all last night, Rares; you didn’t even meet Princess Luna.” She rubbed a hoof against her forehead. “And Ah’m certain she wasn’t yer ‘true love’ a couple months ago when you were moonin’ over that Blueblood fella.”
“Do not mention his vile name!” Rarity shouted, turning Applejack with a dark glare. “He was an ill-bred, jumped up cur of a princeling, unfit to scrub the floors of the castle’s bathrooms with his horrid tongue!” Her glare softened, and she gazed off into the distance. “Princess Luna, meanwhile, is respecting that most ancient and noble of traditions. Namely, that the one who saves a princess, is granted the hoof of that princess in marriage.” She returned to the present long enough to consider the other five mares involved, toss a small shrug, and returned to her fantasy. “Or, in this case, the ones who save a princess are granted her hoof in a joint marriage which is presumably legal if said princess wills it to be so,” Tears began welling up in the corners of her eyes as she stared dreamily at a wall.
“It’s just like a faerie tale,” Sweetie squeaked happily, smiling over at her sister. “Don’t you think, Spike?”
“I think it sounds a bit more like a letter to Misbehaving Mares Monthly, personally, but yeah, we can go with faerie tale,” he countered as he nibbled on a cruller. “Both tend to have a completely implausible premise, and have a happy ending for everypony involved.”
Twilight looked at her young ward with narrowed eyes “Spike, we’ll discuss your choice in reading materials later,” she said, attempting to sound sinister and threatening; judging by the dragon’s chuckles and the foal’s airy giggle, she had failed spectacularly. “Of more pressing concern… Rarity, I still don’t understand. Even if Blu… that stallion we’re not naming because you’re scary, as well as sexy, when you’re angry, is an uncultured idiot – which, sorry, I should have given you a heads-up on that – that doesn’t explain why one bad experience would sour you on stallions in general.”
“Oh, darling, I’m not attracted to stallions.” Rarity chuckled to herself as she resumed her measurements of Rainbow Dash. “Mares either, really. At least, not based entirely on that criterion.” She chuckled to herself at the thought. “Really, to choose one’s mate based strictly on gender; that’s simply too limiting a mindset, especially when each can… perform the necessary tasks well enough to satisfy.” She glanced warily at Sweetie Belle as she carefully phrased her response. “And no, before you ask, I’m not basing this on matters of wealth, either; those who marry for money are no better in my opinion than common… mares of the evening.” Another wary glance at her sister, who was at that point engrossed in a cherry Danish.
“Ah know I’m gonna regret askin’ this, but what are you basin’ this whole thing on, Rarity?” Applejack asked, nearly ready to conclude that Twilight Sparkle was not, through some mad twist of fate, the craziest pony in the building.
“Romance, Applejack!” Rarity answered, fainting on to her waiting couch gleefully, Dash’s measurements completed. “A princess, and a divine princess at that, wishes to sweep me off my hooves and into a living faerie tale. How could any mare not wish to live out a dream come true of such magnitude, to experience such a grand romantic gesture firsthoof?” She squealed in delight. “We even get a real and proper castle!”
“Twi, I think we’ve well and truly lost Rarity,” Applejack noticed, eliciting a nod from her marginally less crazy friend. “Pinkie, you seemed like you were pretty much in favor of this earlier. Do Ah have that right?”
“Absotively, Applejack! I mean, just think of all the parties we’ll need first! We’ll all need to have bridal showers, and bachelorette parties, and the rehearsal dinner, and the reception, and then anniversary parties for years to come, and… oh, Applejack, it’s just so wonderful.” Her grin actually seemed to somehow grow wider than her face as she covered Sweetie Belle’s ears with her hooves. “Applejack, we get to have the one kind of party I’ve never been able to have before." Her eyes twinkled as her body quivered with anticipation.
“Pinkie, how in the wide world of Equestria can there still be a type of party you ain’t thrown?” Applejack asked in disbelief. “Ya’ll’ve had birthday parties, wedding parties, wakes, both swingin’ and otherwise, bachelor parties, bachelorette parties, anniversaries, bridal showers, baby showers, goin’-away parties, welcome-home parties, graduations, fake-murder-mystery parties, a real-murder-mystery party, and even that one festive search party you took charge of.” She pushed her hat further back her head. “Still not sure how you managed to pull that one off, but the foals were found, and everypony enjoyed the gingerbread house, so Ah’ll give it to ya. Ah even remember that time you tried ta arrange an…” The realization hit her harder than Rainbow Dash had hit her barn a few weeks before, all the pieces falling into place.
“Pinkie… no. Just… just no.” Her pupils dilated as panic began to set in, and she began to plead with the other mare. “Pinkie, you remember what happened when you tried to get folks to go to the first one, don’t you? The torches, and pitchforks, and effigies of you they started burnin’ before the Cakes convinced everypony you’d gotten into some special brownies they’d made, and weren’t quite right in the head when you’d sent out the invitations. Please, please tell me you remember that.”
“Remember what, Applejack? What kind of party did she try to throw?” Twilight asked, panic once more rising, her magic straining reflexively against the weak ward restricting it as Rarity, seemingly over her own fantasy, began to take her measurements measurements. “A tea party at the harbor? A political party? A ritual sacrifice? Does ritual sacrifice even count as a party?”
“An orgy!” the two mares replied at once, Applejack in defeat, Pinkie in triumph.
“Huh? Whazzat?” Dash muttered, roused from her needle-induced bout of unconsciousness by the possible forthcoming activities. “Pinkie, did you just suggest an orgy again?” she asked with a groan, wondering for the second time that day why she was waking up on the floor of Carousel Boutique. “Don’t you remember the last time you tried that?”
“See, Pinkie? Even Dash thinks it’s a terrible idea.” Applejack nodded, panic fading as Dash of all ponies acted as the voice of reason.
Her calm was short lived. “I mean, think about it, Pinkie. We’re getting married to Princess Luna in a couple days. Now, I get that she needs to have a royal harem, so we all have to share her, but you think she’ll be willing to share us with anypony else?” The pegasus glanced over at Twilight. “Well, except for Twi, I guess. But sisters are supposed to share, so that’s different."
“Well, duh, Dashie. If we’re going to be married to a princess, we can’t just be having one that’s open to the public; that’s just crazy talk!” she exclaimed, still holding her hooves over the increasingly confused filly’s ears. “But she was so nice last night after we worked out that she wasn’t really going to eat anypony. What if she doesn’t want to hurt anypony’s feelings by picking one of us first, so she just… you know. All of us at once.” She winked suggestively, leaving Twilight and Applejack feeling vaguely ill.
“Oh, well yeah, it makes total sense, when you put it like that,” Dash agreed casually as she walked over to the pasties, grabbing a corn muffin with her mouth. “Really, that’s probably the only way the rest of you’d get any play anyway.” Crumbs fell from her mouth as she chewed on her breakfast. “I mean, come on; she’s the second most powerful pony in the world. Why’d she settle for anypony except the most awesome pony in the world, if she had to choose?”
“Okay, so that’s a third pony who’s disturbingly fine with this,” Applejack muttered, inching closer to Twilight. “Twi, ya’ll ever get the feeling everypony in this town is crazy?”
“You have no idea, Applejack. No idea,” she whispered in response, wondering if Celestia would forgive her for killing Rarity with the magical backlash that would result from breaking the block. “So, just making sure I’m clear on this, going forward. On the side in favor of running, we’ve got me, Applejack, and presumably Fluttershy, operating on the assumption that her lack of consciousness is a response to her finding this an unfavorable situation. On the side in favor of an overly complicated and, some might argue, disturbing arrangement of marriages, we have Rarity, the faerie tale princess; Pinkie, our potentially perverted party planner, and Rainbow Dash, who arguably has the most rational reason for wanting this, at least given a definition of ‘rational’ which can be applied to wanting to hump like bunnies with the princess.” Four ponies nodded, while a baby dragon was again treated to a pleasing visual. Cerulean against midnight had a certain aesthetic appeal, he decided.
“Huh… bunny with a princess?” Fluttershy suddenly snapping out of her comatose state, looking about in concern. “Oh, Angel, mommy’s asked you not to do that; you know how upset everypony gets when you try to defile royalty, and… uh, I’m sorry, but why was I sleeping on Rarity’s floor?” Her eyes then went wide as the events from earlier caught up to her. “Oh, I’m sorry, did I pass out from fear and make you drag me around again? I know how inconvenient that can be for everypony.” She blushed, shifting her head so that she could partially hide behind her mane.
“Oh, it’s quite alright, darling,” Rarity responded, offering her sweet voiced friend her most winning smile as Sweetie Belle pulled herself free of Pinkie’s grasp and trotted over to greet the newly awakened pegasus. “It was quite helpful, actually. You didn’t squirm at all while I measured you for your wedding dress, unlike a certain pony I could name.” She shot Dash another dirty look, which was pointedly ignored, before turning back to Fluttershy. “Dear, I realize you’ve had a terribly complicated morning, and after your least favorite night as well, so I’m sorry to ask, but we’re having a bit of a disagreement.”
“Fluttershy, tell us the truth, what would you rather do,” Twilight began, hopeful that Fluttershy’s response would snap the others back to their senses. “Would you rather stay here, and wait for Princess Luna to have us all brought to Canterlot to marry her, all at the same time, or would you rather–”
“Spend the rest of your life running away from a goddess who can find you in your dreams, forced to live in dark forests and dim caves, away from the safety and security of all you’ve ever known?” Rarity interjected with a sly glance at the other unicorn. She wasn’t about to let Twilight shade Fluttershy’s response, at least not without some counter-shading of her own. The pegasus, predictably, squeaked in fear and dove behind Rarity’s couch.
“Are those my only options?” she asked, her instinct to collapse again overwhelmed by her fear of where she might next awaken if she did lose consciousness. She cautiously peeked out from behind the furniture, and was greeted by two emphatic nods. “Oh. Well, in that case… if you don’t mind, I suppose marrying Princess Luna is a little less terrifying than living in caves forever. At least it isn’t as scary as marrying a stallion. Unless unicorns use their horns for… for that.” Her cheeks reddening terribly at the possibility. “If we’re sure ‘stay home and never open the front door again’ definitely isn’t an option, anyway.” She quickly ducking back behind the couch, trying not to think about what she might have to do as the Princess’ bride. Rarity’s look of smug satisfaction went unseen by the frightened pegasus, as did Twilight’s crestfallen face. The purple unicorn was about to offer a counter-argument, when there was a loud pounding on the front door.
“Attention, engaged scum!” a muffled male voice called out from the other side of the door. “I am Sergeant White Snake of the Canterlot Royal Guard, Night Division. I, along with my subordinates, Hair Warrant and Glamour Poison, have been sent to retrieve the future royal consorts. We know the six of you are inside. Surrender immediately, so we can take you into custody and convey you to a life of marital bliss by the side of the Royal Sisters, may they reign forever.” There was a brief pause, and the quiet sound of ponies talking outside. “Apparently, our orders are that, if you won’t come peacefully, we are to take you by force, and that lethal force has been authorized. Honestly, I’m reasonably sure these orders are actually a hastily modified version of the boiler-plate used to send guards to apprehend normal fugitives, but we’re not really in a position to disobey them, so… you have thirty seconds to comply, or we’ll be forced to break the door down. Also, congratulations on your upcoming nuptials.”
The anguished scream of a unicorn who’d concluded the universe had some kind of vendetta against her quickly attracted the few reporters who hadn’t noticed the arrival of the bat-winged pegasi and similarly-coated unicorn to the designer’s shop, as well as a significant portion of the town’s population, who had previously been content to mill about outside their homes since the strange shouted ‘what?’ which had awakened them shortly after dawn. Within twenty seconds, there were easily two hundred ponies gathered around the Carousel Boutique, wondering what was about to happen.
“Okay… okay. Thirty seconds,” Twilight muttered to herself, her eyes squeezed closed. “Actually, less than thirty second, what with the yelling, and the talking to myself now. Which is worrisome, but something I’ll deal with later.” She spun suddenly, staring wildly at Applejack. “Applejack, you and I are the only sane ones left. I need you to buck Rarity, right now!” Her pupils had shrunk to pinpricks as she gave the order. “Buck her so she can’t see straight! Even better, buck her so she passes out!”
“Uh, Twilight, two things. First, Ah’m not entirely comfortable with your assessment of your own sanity right now, just lettin’ you know,” Applejack said slowly, stepping away from Twilight as she once again considered the relative sanity of her friends. “Second, Ah’m not sure that me buckin’ Rarity is gonna be all that helpful in this situation. And that isn’t even considerin’ the possibility that Ah might accidentally kill her, bucking her like that. Ah’m not especially inclined to take that chance.”
“Oh, come on! All you need to do is kick her just hard enough to knock her out, then I can teleport us to safety and leave the rest of them to their fate. We can dye our coats, dye and restyle our manes, and find a small village far, far away from here where we can live safely, pretending to be lovers.” She shot Applejack a smile. A vaguely unsettling, horribly twitchy smile.
Applejack pressed a hoof against her forehead. “Again, Twi, two things. One, what Ah’m trying to say is that if I kick Rarity in the head hard enough to knock her out, Ah’m liable to cave her skull in, or break her neck, or somethin’. So if you want your magic back that badly, you should just kill her yourself. Two, if mah options are livin’ the rest of mah life as a fugitive pretendin’ to be involved with another mare, or livin’ mah life married to another mare who happens to be a princess… why the hay would I go with the first choice?” She sighed sadly. “I mean, sure, Ah agree with Fluttershy, and Ah’d rather we had a third option, but when you get down to it, Luna wasn’t that bad last night, in the grand scheme of things. Aside from the yellin’ and spiders, at least.”
“Right… right, Applejack’s gone over to the other side,” Twilight observed to herself, falling to her haunches dejectedly as she began to tick off a mental checklist of the other beings in the room. “So, my friends are varying degrees of fine with this arrangement, Sweetie Belle is happy so long as her sister is happy, the three guards are looking at me nervously, and Spike isn’t helping, and without my magic he’s no longer a viable projectile against the… guards… who are… in the room with us… right now.” Her head twitched to the side as she considered the bat-themed soldiers. “Why are the guards in the room with us?”
“Because doors are expensive, Twilight,” Rarity explained dryly, “and I’d rather not have to explain to our darling princess that mine needs to be replaced because we were hiding from the handsome young soldiers she sent to retrieve us.” She flashed the trio of guards a winning smile before turning back to Twilight. “So, I let them in while you were trying to convince Applejack to buck me harder than I’d ever been bucked, which I must say is rather rude. I intend to wear white on my wedding day, and I’d hardly have been able to if she’d done as you’d asked. The bruises would have clashed terribly.” She leveled a cool gaze at her friend, then brightened considerably. “Really, though, I suppose you can’t be blamed for your current state. I’ve certainly fitted mares driven to far worse bouts of madness by pre-wedding jitters, believe me.” She patted her friend gently on her back, trying to reassure Twilight as she tucked her forelegs beneath her body and lay defeated on the floor.
The sergeant looked at his two subordinates quizzically, uncertain what to make of the current situation. The transformed pegasus and unicorn simply shrugged, equally perplexed. “I do apologize for that, ma’am,” he said carefully, quite certain he didn’t want to offend any of the future royal consorts. “Really, I think somepony somewhere up the chain of command just grabbed the standard apprehension orders and changed some of the words before they sent us to pick you lot up.” He saluted, careful to keep his eyes up and straight ahead lest he see something he may or may not be meant to see.
That was the problem, he reflected, with serving a being who generally presented herself as a virginal goddess, and more recently her semi-reclusive sister: nopony trained you on the etiquette involved in harem retrieval. He was, at present, relying on old Saddle Arabian folk stories; stories which occasionally involved guards subjected to horrific fates if they were caught admiring certain royal assets.
He wasn’t sure about his two subordinates, but he had no intention of ending up gelded.
“Oh, it really isn’t a problem in the slightest, my good fellow,” Rarity reassured the stallion as she trotted over to begin taking the newly docile Twilight’s measurements. “Though, and I do so apologize for this, I’m afraid there might be a snag in our leaving. You see, my little sister is under my supervision at the moment, and I can’t very well abandon her here." She gestured towards Sweetie Belle, who smiled happily at the attention. “And, since she has school later, I can’t very well bring her with us to Canterlot. Now, my Mother and Father should be along to retrieve her fairly soon… might we postpone our departure until then? No more than an hour, I assure you, and possibly far sooner.”
“Uh… one moment, please, ma'am. I'll have to consult the orders.” He quickly turned and huddled in with the other two guards. “Poison, you still have the scroll, right?” He looked to the unicorn, his voice low.
“Right here, Snake,” he replied, levitating the scroll from a compartment fitted inside his armor and unfurling it for his superior to read over.
“Alright, what’ve we got here. ‘Attention… marital bliss… lethal force…’ Alright, here we go: ‘every effort is to be made ensure that the execution of these orders are accomplished according to the laws and customs of Equestria, save in such circumstances as obedience to said laws would place any citizen in undue risk of harm.’ Okay… yeah, that works,” he muttered, turning back around. “As it happens, ma’am, since leaving your sister alone would violate several laws regarding foal abandonment, we’re obligated to wait.” His face remained stoic as he returned to his high, forward facing stare, though inwardly he was quite pleased with himself.
Rarity smiled appreciatively at White Snake. “Fantastic. And, so you aren’t bored while you wait…” She turned her smile to her sister. “Sweetie Belle, could you take these fine stallions to the basement fabric storage? I’ll need several bolts of silks, satins, laces, and brocades in the purest whites I have.” She paused, briefly considering the color scheme of the princess all of them were meant to share. “Better have them bring some of the blues, as well. Focus on the darker shades, especially midnight. And all the cloth of gold and cloth of silver I have in stock for the accents.”
“Gotcha, sis!” Sweetie Belle replied happily, as she beckoned the significantly less pleased sergeant and his subordinates to follow her to the basement, baby dragon shaking his head ruefully, pitying the poor, poor stallions.
“Oh, and Sweetie, have them bring the crate with my… special supplies, as well.” Rarity blushed as she called out the final instruction.
“You mean the one with the elastics, lace, and see-through silk I’m not supposed to know about until I’m older, and I’m never ever supposed to tell anypony about, especially not Mom and Dad?” the filly asked innocently, still smiling, suddenly catching the undivided attention of every male in the room. The three in armor reflexively pressed their hindlegs together, as though they felt the gelding iron behind them. Rarity simply nodded in embarrassed agreement, and watched as the filly led the way down the stairs.
“Really, Rarity?” Dash asked as a small claw pulled the door shut. “I mean, I can understand the dresses; I’m not happy about ‘em, but I know it’s just what you do. But that…” She shrugged, unimpressed. “Always seemed like that’d just slow things down later on. Not really my style.” She grinned hungrily. “Sooner we start the race, the longer we can keep flying, you know?”
“Then you may forego yours, Rainbow Crass,” Rarity retorted, equal parts offended by her friend’s debasing of her glorious romantic fantasy and pleased with the nickname. “Besides which, I was more concerned with ensuring we had stockings which would complement the gowns, and the traditional garter belts. Though, upon thinking of it, I do wonder how that tradition will be executed without a groom present.” She paused and considered the logistics a moment before shaking her head. She’d leave that for somepony else to worry about.
“Now then, Twilight, dear, if you could stand back up, I’ll finish taking your measurements.” She smiled brightly as the other mare slowly stood, and began to collect the relevant measurements as she allowed the glow to vanish from around Twilight’s horn, satisfied her friend’s panic had broken. “Oh, come, come, darling. You should have the most reason of us all to be happy. It’s hardly a secret that you’ve been all but formally betrothed to Princess Celestia for… how long now? It’s been most of your life, hasn’t it?”
“Yeah, Twilight, cheer up,” Pinkie Pie agreed, abandoning the seemingly undiminished supply of pastries to bounce over to her friend. “Everypony knows your wedding day is supposed to be the happiest day of your life, and you get to marry two ponies. I mean, if one wedding is supposed to be one hundred percent happy, then you should be two hundred percent happy!” She blithely ignored the impossibility of her statement as she idly wondered what the unit of measurement for happiness might be.
Twilight shook her head sadly. “You don’t understand, girls. It’s just…” She sighed as the floating tape measure wrapped itself around her midsection. “My family isn’t great at keeping secrets, apparently, so everypony knows Celestia said she’d marry me. And that's... that's amazing, really. But it was supposed to be when I was ready, and I’m not sure I am yet. Just look at this morning: the first thing she asks me to do after our engagement is formally announced, and I mess it up. That’s not exactly a good start, you know?” She shook her head as her friends listened attentively. “And on top of that, we’re all getting married to Luna, too? I mean… okay, you know me. You know I’m not exactly… open, with other ponies. I never thought I’d need to be, because.” She paused, trying to calm herself. “Because I knew Celestia wouldn’t care about that; that she’d love me for me. And she’d… teach me what I needed to know.” She blushed as certain remembered scenarios jumped to mind, and a tiny, underappreciated part of her demanded she ask Rarity if she could have a white blouse, pleated plaid skirt, and matching tie ready before the wedding.
“But with Luna… alright, let’s ignore the fact that I’m not crazy about the idea in the first place. She’ll be judging me compared to the rest of of you. I’m feeling a bit inadequate in certain regards. Certain physical regards, if you know what I mean. Especially compared to you, Dash.” Dash nodded and grinned, satisfied with herself despite that statement’s dubious standing as a compliment.
“So, you wish you’d, what, slept around a bit? Oh, really now, Twilight, you expect Princess Luna, the divine Mistress of the Moon, to be interested in marriage for such a base reason?” Rarity rolledher eyes as she held the tape to Twilight’s legs. “She’s an immortal goddess, after all. What makes you think she’d be interested in something so mortal?” She laughed airily at her Twilight’s concerns, waving a hoof as if to shoo the very notion away.
“Rarity, one of Luna’s official titles is ‘Princess of Passion,’” Twilight retorted, her head hung low.
Rarity blinked. “I… see.” She considered that for a moment, digesting the new bit of information. “Maybe it’s meant in the innocent sense? Such as how you have a passion for books, or I’ve a passion for fashion?” The excuse rang false to her even as she offered it.
“Come on, Twi,” Dash added, trying to be helpful, “she’s been gone for a thousand years, and last night proves she hasn’t gotten out much since she got back. I mean, maybe the stories I’ve heard weren’t true, but back then, didn’t they…”
“That’s actually a good point, Dash,” Twilight replied, perking up slightly at the suggestion. “It’s disputed how many mares actually did ‘keep themselves pure’ so to speak, but it was definitely the ideal before Luna’s banishment.” She smiled weakly for a moment. “So that’s something, I guess.”
Dash shrugged in response. “Oh, yeah, that. Forgot about that, actually. I was more thinking about the stories where ponies would offer up virgin sacrifices in exchange for power. I was kind of thinking that maybe you could make a special kind of sacrifice or something, Twi.” Rainbow Dash snickered to herself as Twilight scowled at her.
It was an odd thing that Fluttershy experienced in that moment. She was, of course, well acquainted with fear, and had as a result developed a range of coping techniques; running, hiding, running and hiding, fainting, barely controlled rage, freezing up, and more besides. Those tactics had served her well for most of her life. In the face of Dash’s suggestion, however, there seemed not to be a proper response to it. She simply stared at her brash friend’s smiling face, uttered a quiet sound best described as a ‘meep,’ and did nothing at all. It wasn’t that she wasn’t paralyzed by her fear anymore. She retained full control of her body and was actively choosing to take no action. It was fascinating, from her perspective, to not act on her fear, and she found herself wondering if she had simply reached some sort of fear saturation point after everything else that had happened that morning, or if the amount of terror present in that one thought was enough on its own, but it seemed to have pushed her into a state of perfect calm and complete clarity. The path before her was obvious.
“Umm… Rarity? If, you know, it isn’t too much trouble, could you maybe ask the guards to come back upstairs?” Her voice was a squeaking whisper with an eerily calm tone behind it. “I… I think I need them to take care of something for me.” She stopped for a second to think. “Oh, and, um… could we maybe borrow your bedroom? I… I don’t think it will take that long…”
Rarity pressed a forehoof against her forehead, silently cursing Rainbow Dash. “No, Fluttershy, I will not call the guards, who have been sent to escort us to our wedding, up from my basement and allow you to use my bedroom to take care of what I can only assume to be your current concern.
“Oh, I understand, Rarity.” Fluttershy nodded, still strangely calm. “Applejack, I know your brother had a busy night last night, but do you think he might…?” Her voice trailed off as she saw the tired annoyance on Applejack's face, but the question was still there.
“No, Fluttershy,” was the weary reply, “But thanks. Thanks for remindin’ me about that, and for putting the mental image of you and my brother in my head. Because this mornin’ hasn’t been uncomfortable enough already for me.”
“S-sorry, Applejack.” She turned quickly so she wouldn’t have to face Applejack any longer. “Twilight, I know Spike is still a little young, but do you think–”
“Fluttershy, stop. Nopony is getting sacrificed, so you can stop worrying about that. And Dash, I’m never letting you read another graphic novel if I can help it.” Twilight glared at Dash as she tried to reassure Fluttershy of her safety. “Ponies never actually performed virgin sacrifices, Dash, and especially not to Luna. The griffons and minotaurs used to, and some ponies claimed Nightmare Moon did after the fact to make her look more monstrous, just like the cannibalism legends.” She began to relax, the act of lecturing having a calming effect on her. “Though if you make enough comments like that around Luna, she might just change her mind and lash you to a slab in the dungeon.” She considered what she’d just said, and to whom she had said it. “And not in a way you’d enjoy, either.”
Dash continued to chuckle. “Oh, lighten up, Twilight. Even I’m not that clueless.” She tilted her head to the side, lips pinched together in thought. “But, you’re sure that hailing her as the Dreamer Awakened and pledging my soul to her service won’t…” An angry glare silenced her train of thought. “Right, right, message received.” She sighed. “Oh, and sorry if I freaked you out there, Fluttershy.” She felt a twinge of genuine remorse as she looked at Fluttershy, who merely nodded, enjoying the strange calm that still washed over her.
Applejack, meanwhile, had reached a grim conclusion of her own. “Hang on just a darn minute. Did Ah miss something, or is everypony gettin’ used to this idea now?” She shook her head in disbelief. “All six of us are supposed to marry the same mare, Twi is gettin’ hitched to two mares, and suddenly nopony else has a problem with this anymore?” She looked at each of her friends in turn. “Look, Ah’m not sure why nopony else seems to be thinkin’ about this, but… Luna’s a mare.” She paused, letting the statement hang in the air. “Ah wouldn’t expect it to be a problem for Dash, or apparently Twilight, and Ah don't have anything against it on principle, but Ah’m not fine with it for myself.” She turned Rarity. “And Rarity, after all these times we’ve heard you go on about finding your prince, and falling in love with the stallion of your dreams, and all that romantic stuff…” She leveled a piercing look at the other mare. “You really mean to tell us you’d’ve been fine with a mare this whole time? Even knowin’ how dang judgmental high society ponies can be about that kinda thing?”
“Applejack, dear, let me put it this way.” Rarity smiled demurely at the troubled mare. “You know me. You know I prize discretion, dignity, composure, and charm. I have spent a significant portion of my life cultivating my own reputation as a sophisticated, high-class designer of high-class fashions.” Her smile turned sultry. “If, in some alternate world, Prince Blueblood hadn’t proven himself a completely uncultured beast at the Gala, if the night had went as I had dreamed, if he had, in a grand romantic gesture, proposed to me, and bade Princess Celestia to marry us on the spot, and she had agreed…” Her grin grew downright wicked and, Twilight thought, more than a touch deranged, though the dignity of her voice never once faltered. “If, after all that had happened, my new husband had asked, politely, and with the proper grace and poise, to mount me on the spot and rut me senseless in front of Celestia, the nobility, and everypony else… there is a distinct possibility I should have agreed to the request. Because I would be a princess, and being a princess means that nopony gets to look down on me.”
The other five looked at her in shock as she tossed her mane. “I’m merely pragmatic about these things, dears. I wish to have my faerie tale ending: the royal marriage I’ve dreamed of since I was a filly to a pony who loves me.” She considered that statement. “Or at least one with suitably romantic inclination from which love can then blossom. With regards to the… baser matters, certain tasks go along with marriage, regardless of who one marries. Such is the price of realizing one’s dreams. I’m simply flexible with regards to who that price is paid.” She tittered slightly at her inadvertent double entendre.
“Well… that’s… that’s… at least I’m not picturin’ Big Mac with Fluttershy anymore. So thanks for that, Rares,” Applejack said, taking a slow step back as she once again reevaluated her friends’ relative mental stability.
“Oh, come on, AJ!” Pinkie exclaimed as she threw her forelegs around the other earth pony. “I mean, you have to know what married ponies do. Your mom and dad must’ve done it at least three times, and Granny Smith must’ve at least twice… though I always kind of figured it’d have to be more than that, given how few options for fun there must’ve been around here back when she was young and the town was just starting up. I mean, when you think about it, what else were they going to do every night except each other?” Pinkie frowned thoughtfully at her own statement. “Too bad Luna isn’t a stallion, actually. If she was, I bet we could ask Granny Smith for some tips. She’s probably gotten really good, what with all that practice she must’ve had.”
The mental images refused to be denied, and closing her eyes only served to make the visions worse. Visions played through her mind of her parents, of her grandparents, of her brother and, to hear him tell it, a significant portion of the female population of town. Applejack was glad she hadn’t had time for a proper breakfast before the madness had begun, as she was fairly certain that that breakfast would have found its way back out and onto the floor of the boutique. As it was, she fell to her haunches, barely controlling the impulse to dry heave as the scarring scenes played out in her mind again and again.
"Oh, Pinkie, maybe talking to Applejack about her parents and grandparents mating isn’t the best idea right now? Or ever?” Fluttershy, noticing that their normally orange friend was taking on a distinctly greenish hue, looked at Pinkie. “I mean, I know I wouldn’t want to think about my parents doing… that.” She began to blush as she forced herself to think of bunnies, rather than her parents; willfully ignoring that the three mental bunnies had tiny wings, and fur that matched the coats of her father, her mother, and their mutual "special marefriend."
“I’m with Fluttershy on that,” Twilight agreed, feeling slightly queasy herself. “New rule: for the good of everypony’s sanity, nopony reminds anypony else that she didn’t appear as the result of parthenogenesis. Agreed?” She was answered by five confused looks, and sighed. “Reproduction without sexual intercourse.” That was met with five ‘ah’s’ of comprehension, followed by five nods of agreement. “Excellent. In that case, let’s get back to the issue at hoof: the marriage… s.” She nodded at the still slightly green Applejack. “Applejack, as far as it goes… look, we can’t run away, not now. The guards would tell Luna that we’d run off after they found us, meaning we’d rejected her, and, well, I’m not sure about you, but I really, really don’t want to be responsible for prompting one of my fiancées to embrace her evil side, plunge the world into unending night, and try to kill my other fiancée.”
Applejack frowned grimly. “You just have to keep bringin’ that up, don’t you? Maybe Luna’d be plenty happy with Dash, Pinkie and Rarity, and wouldn’t miss you and me and ‘Shy?”
Twilight shook her head. “For now, all we can do is go to Canterlot, play along, and hope Princess Celestia has a plan.” She looked at Applejack, her grimace precluding further conversation as the outer door swung open to admit two confused, yet smiling, unicorns.
****
“For the last time, no,” Celestia insisted, “I don’t have any plans!” She squeezed her eyes shut, beginning to lose patience with the mare standing before her.
Cadence simply looked up at the Celestia, unable, or perhaps unwilling, to comprehend. “But auntie, you mean even after more than a decade you haven’t made any plans for, well, anything? The ceremony, the reception, the honeymoon?” She shook her head in disbelief “Not even a gown?” She looked over at her coltfriend. “She doesn’t even have a gown, Shiny! I mean, I’ve had my gown picked out since we started dating, and she proposed years ago and she doesn’t…” She noticed the strange look on the stallion’s face, as joy seemed to war with horror, and blushed slightly. “Oh... forgot I said that. Its not important right now. Her gown!” She was nearly shouting as she pointed at Celestia. “Her gown is important! Not my gown! I don’t even have a gown! Just like she doesn’t have one! No gowns for any princesses! Which is a problem, because she needs a gown! So she can marry your sister! That is the only worrisome thing about the current gown supply!”
Not for the first time in her millennial reign, Celestia cursed her alicorn biology’s resistance to sedatives. ‘Really, this seems like the very sort of situation alcohol was created for.’ The lecture on sexual practices between two mares had been damaging enough to her already strained self-control, and she had nearly unleashed the full power of the sun when Cadence had, despite her pleas and threats, sent for a young mare couple she felt certain would be happy to provide a live demonstration of certain techniques. Her one minor consolation was that her Captain of the Guard had eventually realized he was providing his boss with detailed instruction for how to deflower his younger sister, and fallen into an uncomfortable silence. Very minor, as it had only seemed to send his marefriend into a frenzy of planning while they waited for the couple’s arrival.
“I never intended… that is, I meant to…" She stomped her hoof against the floor, patience finally snapping as her eyes narrowing as she glared at Cadence. "I am the Princess of Equestria, confound it!” Her lip curled back as she slipped into the Royal Voice for the first time in centuries. She blinked as the ponies before her fell to their haunches, eyes wide in astonished obedience. “And, as Princess of Equestria I do not need to make plans!” She frantically tried to retain her newly gained control of the situation. After the morning she’d had it was reassuring to lead again. “When I make plans, those plans are to ensure that my subjects have enough to eat! To ensure that no group ever grows bold enough to threaten their safety! To ensure that, when my evil sister comes back after a thousand years on the moon, there are ponies waiting to stand against her and purge the darkness from her soul! Those are the kinds of plans I make!”
Secretly, she was actually enjoying this. It was no easy task maintaining the air of peace and compassion she projected, and the chance to relieve some stress was welcome. “As you both said, it was to be Twilight’s choice when this day came, not mine.” That seemed to be about the only thing about the entire affair everypony seemed able to agree on. “Now that is has come, there is no need for a plan. Somepony is needed to perform the ceremony? There shall be enough volunteers to fill stadiums vying for that honor. A reception must be planned? Then it shall be planned!” She smiled as a thought occurred to her. “No doubt the Element of Laughter would be up to that task.”
Cadence flinched at the thought. “Wait, auntie, Laughter is the pink one with the curly hair, right? Didn’t she nearly ruin the last Grand Gal…” The question died in her throat as Celestia looked at her, her eyes narrowing once more. “S-sorry.”
“As I was saying,” the Princess continued, spreading her wings dramatically. “For the honeymoon, there is no place in all of Equestria which might refuse me. Anywhere my student-bride wishes to visit, so shall we go!” She stood at her full height, summoning a golden coronal aura to surround her body. “And if I need a gown, the greatest designers in the land and beyond would gladly compete for the honor of having their work adorn my frame. So no, Princess Mi Amore Cadenza, I have made no plans for this. The plans for this shall be made to conform to my will, and the desires of my bride! For I am Celestia, Princess of the Sun, Diarch of Equestria, and my will is law!” She wasn’t entirely sure that last part hadn't perhaps crossed a line, but it certainly sounded suitably impressive. She willed her aura to flare up around her, dazzling the two ponies momentarily, then dispelled it, folded her wings, and sat down, smiling serenely at her young niece and her Captain.
As the silence began to stretch, she began to wonder if she’d overdone it. She’d been trying to awe Cadence into silence, not terrify the young mare. Shining Armor was staring at her, his mouth open in shock. She nearly flinched as she saw his horn was aglow, worried that she’d made him think her a threat. She then noticed the glowing pillow, strategically placed to conceal what she could only assume was a growing problem for the stallion. ‘Brilliant, Celestia,’ she cursed to herself, ‘arouse your Captain of the Guard with a display of power. It isn’t incestuous enough that a filly you helped to raise is marrying you and your sister. No, you had better make your fiancée’s brother want to get in on the whole thing.’ She clenched her teeth, maintaining her smile, pretending not to notice anything amiss. ‘Maybe he’ll try to get Cadence involved, too. I’m sure Twilight would at least appreciate the efficiency with which we’re violating sexual taboos.’
“Just…go, both of you. Shining Armor, begin preparing the Guard for the influx of ponies who will certainly be coming to Canterlot to witness the marriages, and arrange escorts for the Elements, as well as their families. Military escorts.” She clarified, fixing the stallion with a warning glare. “Cadence, summon all of the city’s florists, caterers, and musicians, that we might begin preparations for the ceremony. And prepare a list of possible destinations for the honeymoons, in case nopony has any thoughts of their own. Try to provide options with a wide appeal to accommodate the Elements’ disparate personalities.” She wearily gestured for the pair to leave. The stallion and mare complied, eager to excuse themselves from her presence. Shining Armor’s telekinesis nearly tore the door from its hinges as he heaved it open, pillow shifted to still conceal his pride and shame from the divine ruler.
“Oh, and Cadence…” she called after them, just as the pair moved to cross the threshold; they froze, Cadence turning back to look nervously at her aunt. “Make sure we have enough of the… accessories you were describing to me earlier.” She shivered as she made the request. “I should hate to have anypony feel let down on her wedding night.”
Cadence nodded, and the couple was through the door, slamming it behind them as they dashed down the hall, away from Celestia’s quarters. Shining looked over at his marefriend in midstride, eyes wide with embarrassment, still holding the pillow behind him. “Cadence, sweetie, I thought we talked about how using your magic on me in front of your aunt was probably a bad idea?” Each step made him painfully aware of the love spell still being channeled into him.
“Sorry, Shiny,” she answered, face flushed. “It was just… I’ve never seen her like that before, and it was a little frightening, and when I get scared, well… you know.” He nodded. He knew very well what happened when she was frightened, and that knowledge went a long way towards explaining the substantial amount of time he’d spent reading up on horror stories. “Do you want me to… take care of it?” She turned her head and looked at him with lop-sided, mischievous smile.
He nearly stumbled as he looked at her again, considering the offer, before reluctantly shaking his head. “I don’t think we have time, sweetie. Guards to rally, security to plan.” He flinched and cursed himself for being so dedicated to his duty. “Still see you tonight, though?” She nodded, and he nodded back, before peeling away, heading full speed to his office, as she headed for her quarters to begin making the necessary arrangements. Including securing enough ’accessories’ to satisfy any urge eight newlywed mares might experience.
‘All in all, a good way to spend a day,’ she thought, grinning.
As the door slammed shut behind the rapidly retreating couple, Celestia slumped to the floor with a weary sigh, not even bothering to pull a pillow over to rest her chin upon. Checking the sun’s position, she grimaced; it had barely been an hour since dawn, and she already wanted nothing more than to crawl back into bed. She briefly considered indulging that desire, dismissing it sadly upon deciding that, given the way the day had gone so far, the young couple Cadence had sent for would interpret it as an invitation to join her, and the Princess of the Sun doubted whether she’d be able to stop herself from launching at least one of them from her balcony. It was troubling enough thinking about Twilight in that way, let alone a pair of complete strangers.
No, she decided grimly, there would be time for rest later. For now, there were plans to be made; plans which had very little to do with gowns and caterers.
‘Alright, what are the options,’ she thought to herself, eyes closed introspectively. ‘It seems I can’t turn down Twilight without breaking her heart, which her own brother seems to think would turn her into some kind of insane madmare bent on world domination.’ She considered that scenario again, and sighed. ‘Much as I hate to admit it, he’s probably right. Kind and sweet as she normally is, she doesn’t exactly handle my disappointment well. That’s probably at least partially my fault; I took her from her family, brought her to the castle, and accidentally proposed to her when she was just a child. I also probably didn’t hug her enough.’ A brief pause as she considered the other issues at hoof. ‘Or I hugged her entirely too much, given the current situation. Either way, the amount of hugs she received was unequal to the amount of hugs a filly with her personality and talents required.
‘Of course, even if I could get out of the marriage on my end, that doesn’t resolve the issue with Luna.’ She sighed to the empty chamber. ‘I can try to talk to her, but she seemed so happy about the idea last night, and the last time I told her she couldn’t have her way, things went… badly.’ She shuddered as she remembered that dark day. ‘And the time before that, she embraced evil and tried to destroy the world. So I should probably hold that as a last resort. Well, second to last resort,’ she mentally amended. After all, Luna embracing the power of Nightmare Moon could always be neutralized by the Elements of Harmony; Twilight, in a similar situation, couldn’t.
She sighed wistfully, her eyes closed as she thought of her faithful student, wondering if the marriage was truly such a terrible thing. It was one thing if it was something being forced on the young mare, something agreed to out of a sense of duty, her own happiness sacrificed to some terrible goddess. But to hear Shining Armor and Cadence speak of it, Twilight had looked forward to their eventual marriage for much of her life. ‘Actually, from that perspective, it explains quite a number of her idiosyncrasies,’ Celestia reasoned, ‘especially her near compulsive need for my approval.’ So at least on her side, there was no need to feel guilty over the misunderstanding.
There was, she had to admit, a certain appeal to it. She did care for her student, and considered her as one of the few ponies in whose company she could truly relax. For some time it had been her intent, once the mare was properly trained, to raise Twilight to stand beside her as an advisor, confidante, and, hopefully, friend. In that light, having the young mare as her wife was not an unpleasant prospect. She had, quite selfishly, been trying to think of some scheme to bring her student back to Canterlot for quite some time, without tearing her from her friends; a way to once again see her on a daily basis, to see her smile, gentle and honest; her eyes, bright and eager; her coat, smooth and sleek; her flank, soft but shapely; her tongue, flexible and…
Celestia snapped from her musings as she realized that, for the second time that morning, she’d begun to mentally admire her student’s less innocuous qualities, wondering where in Equestria those thoughts had come from. “Cadence… Cadence was here,” she reminded herself. “She probably used her magic on me, to get me in the mood for when her acquaintances arrive, and I just didn’t notice. And that, combined with her passive magic, made me think about Twilight’s… assets.” She nodded, trying to convince herself that was the only reason she’d begun to picture her student perched on the royal bed, head down and tail…
“No. No, not thinking about that,” she demanded of herself, barely suppressing the urge to slam her head against the wall. “Going to think about Twilight when she was an adorable little filly, nice and pure and innocent.” She paused, and flinched. “And if that doesn’t stop me from thinking of her that way, I’m going to banish myself to the sun.”
“If what doesn’t stop you from thinking of whom how, sister?” Luna asked as she stepped in from the balcony. Already on a hair trigger, Celestia spun and loosed a burst of solar energy from her horn. Thankfully, she hadn’t taken the time to aim, and the bolt flew harmlessly past the Princess of the Night and through the still open window, vanishing into the distance. Luna looked over her shoulder, following the path of the magic as it faded from sight, before turning back to her sister with a grin. “I’m sorry, I realize I didn’t knock, but isn’t attempted disintegration a bit of an overreaction, Tia?” she added playfully as she walked towards the other alicorn.
“Bit of a stressful morning for me, Luna. I wasn’t expecting to read my own engagement announcement over breakfast, after all,” she pointedly replied as she moved to sit on a purple velvet cushion, gesturing for Luna to join her. “And never mind who I was thinking about, or how I was thinking about her.”
The Princess of the Moon looked at her sister with a twinkling eye and knowing grin. “Thinking about a ‘her,’ are we, Tia? I wonder who that could be.” She sat on a matching pillow, facing her older sister with a thoughtful smirk. “And I assume the stress is also related to the happy news?”
“You… could say that, Luna,” Celestia replied, forcing herself to smile for her sister’s benefit. “Is that what brings you by, so we can discuss the preparations for the… joyous event? Events?”
“No, actually. I heard you yelling at our inexplicable niece to begin assembling the necessary suppliers, so I can’t imagine there’s much to do until we have them available to us,” Luna answered casually, ignoring the slight tremor in her sister’s smile as she levitated a silver tea service out from behind her mane and set it on the floor between them. “I was actually wondering if you might like to hear about the rest of my evening over tea, now that is isn’t quite so early in the morning.” She looked at her sister earnestly, smiling happily.
“That… that is a wonderful idea, Luna,” she agreed, still forcing herself to smile. “But, first, I just need to confirm something, if you don’t mind?” She paused, smile still fixed on her face as her sister nodded happily. “So… I’m assuming, considering that my beloved Twilight didn’t mention our prior engagement, which I was, of course, fully aware of, that you didn’t actually… propose to the Elements of Harmony, at any point?”
Luna cocked her head to the side as she continued to look at her sister, brow furrowed, lips pursed. “Well, no, I didn’t,” she admitted, eyes narrowing. “But the old laws grant us both the right to wed anypony we choose, so long as they are eligible to join with the royal line.” She brightened considerably as she spoke, while her sister kept watching her, smile fixed upon her face. “I even checked before I made the announcement, to ensure there hadn’t been any changes to the laws governing royal marriages while I was… away.”
“Oh, that’s right. We do have that as one of our royal prerogatives, don’t we?” Celestia muttered, cursing to herself. Forcing herself to stay calm, she lifted the white porcelain teapot in her golden aura and filled the two matching cups, anxious for the caffeine contained in the dark liquid at the same time she yearned for the soothing effect of the tea.
“It’s still on the books, right after the law giving us the right to cut out the still beating heart of any mares who claim to be prettier than we are, and just before the provision outlawing pants,” Luna confirmed with a playful smirk, dropping two cubes of sugar into her cup, followed by a generous quantity of cream.
“Yes, I remember now. One of these days, we should probably go back and prune some of the laws we enacted while we were young, vainglorious, and hormonal.” Celestia took a sip of her unpolluted tea as she fondly remembered the heady days near the beginning of their reign, mostly glad she’d been able to purge all evidence of it from recorded memory. Nopony had questioned that life was better under the rule of the Royal Sisters than it had been under Discord, though there had been some questions raised about particular decrees issued on a whim by an emotionally overwrought young goddess and her even younger, rather playful sister.
“What, even the rule that, if there’s cake in our presence, we get as much as we want?” Luna asked as she stirred her tea with her own magic, suddenly frowning.
Celestia rolled her eyes, momentarily distracted by the suggestion. “Well, no, of course we’re not going to repeal the cake rule; that’s just crazy talk, Luna. We are the grease that keeps this country running, the glue that binds our nation. Without us, there would be no order. And without order, there would be no cake. Thus, since we are indirectly responsible for all cake, that cake is our absolute right.” she reasoned, gesturing dramatically with her hoof and taking another sip of the hot liquid. Not for the first time, she wondered at the oddities of their bodies; immune to sedatives, including alcohol, but perfectly accepting of caffeine and other stimulants.
“Good, good,” Luna agreed in relief. “I should very much like to ensure the cake rule remains in effect. Perhaps we should extend it to our brides as well; I should hate for any of them to be denied a satisfying quantity of cake.”
‘Oh, yes, that’s right. We have bigger problems than cake right now,’ Celestia thought to herself, pressing her still raised hoof against her forehead, cursing herself for becoming temporarily distracted by the thought of a threat to her cake supply.
“Actually, about the weddings, Luna… I mean, yes, of course we both have the right to marry any unclaimed, eligible pony we like, but don’t you think you should at least ask them?” she suggested gently, her forced smile stretching even further as she looked hopefully at the other alicorn.
Her hopes fell as her sister shook her head, her own smile still genuine. “Nonsense, Tia. The servants have assured me that many mares dream of becoming a princess, though those who actually become acquainted with the available prince seem to abandon that desire rather rapidly. Not that I can blame them for that.” She rolled her eyes at the thought of the insufferable princeling, considering once again the possibility of replacing his entire wardrobe with jester’s motley. “But where Blueblood is a boorish buffoon, I am a whimsical delight, as the events of last night proved,” she proclaimed proudly, her smile literally shining through some unconscious application of magic. “Ah. The screaming, and the tears, and the piles of candy offered to me in exchange for not murdering all of the foals. Truly it was a fine holiday. Not to mention when your student and I lured one of her friends into an alleyway with the promise of sweets, tackled her, and demanded she not scream until our intercourse with her was complete.”
Celestia gently set her cup back down on its saucer, consciously forcing herself to continue breathing at a normal pace, all the while her mind crying out for her to panic. “Luna, my dear, beloved sister… you do mean ‘intercourse’ in the sense of having a conversation with her, correct?”
“Well, of course. How else would one have intercourse between three mares?” the Princess of the Night asked, puzzled.
‘I have an awful feeling we’ll be finding an answer to that question sooner than I’d like, Luna,’ Celestia thought to herself, suppressing the urge to shudder at the images leaping unbidden to her mind.
“We’ll… come back to that, sister. What worries me… Luna, you need to remember something – the mares that dream of being princesses generally dream of marrying a dashing prince. Given our rather severe lack of dashing princes, they usually move on, and find a stallion who is suitably appealing. What they generally don’t do is change their focus and set out to marry me.” She tilted her head to the side as she tried to remember back across her long life. “Actually, I don’t recall any of them ever trying to court me after they found the active prince to be… well, you remember our track record with princes before you left, and you see what the current one is like. Those who lived in the interim were not generally better behaved.
“We’re getting off topic, though. My point, Luna is just… what if the Elements of Harmony are… straight?”
The suggestion was met with a blank look from her sister. “I… do not understand, Tia. I have met the Elements, as have you.” Luna frowned as she puzzled over her sister’s words. “They are each of them generally curved and rounded, as is the norm for our subjects. What are these… ‘straight’ mares to which you refer? Have they some manner of deformity, which leaves their bodies in a rigid state?” She frowned thoughtfully, placing a hoof against her chin. “It sounds as if that would indeed be an unpleasant fate, though I fail to see the current relevance.”
Celestia closed her eyes, wearily rubbing the side of her head, trying to dispel the growing, throbbing sensation within her skull. “Right, that’s a more recent definition for the term, of course you wouldn’t know it.” She once more reminding herself to find a dictionary of modern idioms for her temporally displaced sister as she considered the best way to explain. “In this context, ‘straight’ refers to… ” Her voice trailed off as she considered how best to explain the situation, settling on, if not the best solution, the least vulgar. “Luna, it’s been a long time, and I can’t quite recall anymore; what did we used to call it when two mares were together?” She paused, her eyes still clenched shut. “Intimately together.”
Luna leaned back, putting more of her weight on the pillow beneath her as she tried to recall the answer to Celestia’s question. “I seem to recall there were two principle ways to refer to such relationships before my banishment, sister,” she eventually replied, still perplexed by her sister’s line of thought. “In public, most of our subjects referred to it as ‘the love that dare not speak its name,’ if they spoke of such things at all. Though I recall that, as I walked through the world of dreams, a great number of ponies dreamt of watching such relations, simply referring to them as ‘hot.’ Mostly stallions.”
She considered the word, frowning introspectively. “Those dreams never made sense to me. There seemed to be no particularly great heat produced by such couplings. Which reminds me, Tia: have the social taboos against incest changed significantly in the past thousand years?” She took a sip of her tea without looking at her sister. “I ask because a significant number of ponies, including a substantial majority of stallions on the palace staff, have frequent dreams involving the two of us in such a fashion, often muttering to themselves that… I believe the phrase is ‘princest is wincest,’ Tia.” She took another sip of the sweet, milky liquid as she finally looked at her elder sister. “Sister, is something the matter?”
It was, admittedly, a rhetorical question; there could be no doubt that something was the matter with Celestia. Her smile, formerly pleasant, if forced, was now twisted into a vaguely manic grin. Her pupils were shrunk to pinpricks, her right eye squinted nearly shut, her left eyelid twitching uncontrollably as she stared ahead, looking without seeing. Both forehooves now massaged the sides of her head, the formerly gentle throbbing grown to a massive, pounding affair as Luna had elaborated on the dreams of her subjects and, more distressingly, her staff.
She wasn’t entirely shocked to learn that some ponies had such dreams, of course. Some ponies always had such dreams, just as some ponies dreamt of possessing a harem of willing, attractive servants to tend to their every need, carnal or otherwise, and others dreamt of performing deeds of great heroism to the adulation of the crowds. What disturbed her was the apparent prevalence of such dreams, especially among those who worked in the castle. She had spent centuries cultivating the image of a divine, virginal goddess, a maternal figure to her subjects, an example for them to emulate. If artists wished to portray her as the idealized standard of beauty, so be it, but she had always striven to ensure it was a pure, incorruptible beauty, the radiant glory of the sun itself. To be, above all, respected and, perhaps, slightly feared, an approachable ruler while still an unassailable authority when the need arose.
And apparently, less than two years after her younger sister’s return from the moon, the two of them had become a preferred masturbatory fantasy for many of the stallions who served her most closely. And, considering Luna’s statements more carefully, at least a few of the mares. It was, to say the least, unnerving.
Besides which, it made her centuries long refusal to indulge in her dreams of harem maintenance for the sake of her image all the more frustrating.
“No, no… well, yes,” she shakily responded, gaze still unfocused. “Yes, quite a number of things are the matter, actually. More and more by the moment.” She carefully lifted her tea up from the tray, her telekinetic grip stable despite her mental unrest. She took a long, calming drink, trying unsuccessfully to settle herself. “Still, we’re getting off track, and we’ve more immediate issues to attend to, one of which you alluded to yourself, Luna. The short version of the issue is that whatever we wish to call a relationship between two mares, ‘straight’ mares are… disinclined to engage in those relationships themselves. For the most part.”
“Ah. A new word yesterday, and a new meaning today; how fun,” she said simply, looking at the contents of her tea cup as she swirled it with her magic. “So the issue then is… of course.” She nodded as realization dawned upon her. “You fear they shall assume that my desire to marry them is guided by impure motives, and that those among them dedicated to their straightness would be uneasy, as I am a mare.” She sighed as she set the cup back on the saucer.
“I… yes, let’s go with that,” Celestia agreed kindly, finally feeling herself begin to regain some control over the situation. Not necessarily a great deal of control, but at least swaying Luna was proving easier than she’d anticipated. “I understand that your offer is meant as a reward for them, a gift for saving you, with no concern for… physical matters. But I fear they shall not understand your kindness; that they might, in their misunderstanding, reject you.” It pained her to remind Luna of the perceived rejections of the past, of the terrible consequences, but it was preferable to the alternative. Slightly preferable.
“Very well, sister. It would seem, then, that there is only one solution to this conundrum, given the circumstances. Only one way to ensure I do not alienate any of those I wish to honor, those I wish to call friend.” Luna closed her eyes as she contemplated her solution, head tilted back, her starry mane billowing out behind her.
“I’m afraid you’re right, Luna. I know it isn’t ideal, but I feel that it will be for the best. I promise you that.” The elder princess nodded to herself, her nervous reactions fading away, surprised at how easily she’d been able to sway her normally head strong little sister. Now she only needed to convince Twilight to postpone their own wedding, and…
“We are agreed, then. I must either find, or develop, some manner of magic which might temporarily grant me the equipment of a stallion.”
She suddenly felt what little control she had gained vanish just as quickly as it had appeared. “I’m sorry, what?”
Luna nodded solemnly to her sister, eyes still closed. “It is the simplest, most reasonable solution, sister. If any of the mares who would be counted among my brides would prefer a stallion as their mate, I must find a way to make myself a stallion, if only temporarily.” Her voice was perfectly level, perfectly serious, her expression solemn and dignified. That composure merely added to the surrealism of the idea.
Celestia, for her part, simply gawked at her sister. She was perfectly aware how undignified it was for the millennial ruler of Equestria to gawk at anything, but no response besides open-mouthed, wide-eyed incredulity seemed sufficient given the current situation. “Luna,” she croaked, barely able to make herself speak, “in what possible sense is ‘grow a magical penis’ the simplest solution to any situation, let alone this one?” It was taking every ounce of her already depleted willpower to not snatch up something large, heavy, and solid with her magic and hurl it at her own head. “If the lack of certain tools was the only concern, there are artificial devices which can mimic the necessary functions, rendering the need for transmutation spells unnecessary. If Cadence is to be believed, some of them are quite elaborate, and enhanced by magic to seem very realistic.”
She slammed a hoof over her mouth as soon as she realized what she’d said, but too late. Her sister was smiling now, her eyes twinkling with delight as she looked at her sister. “Ah ha! The problem is resolved, then, without the need for transformative magic at all. We need only procure some of those devices.” Luna frowned thoughtfully for a moment, head cocked to the side, eyes narrowing. “But… if you already knew the solution, then why did you pose the situation as a problem in the first place, Tia?”
Being divine gave one an interesting view of the workings of the universe. During her long, long life, Celestia had encountered many creatures, strange and familiar, wonderful and terrible, weak and mighty. Yet among those various and sundry beings there was but one yet alive who was her equal, and one other who was greater than her, at least if all one considered was raw strength of magic. Her equal sat before her, and her arguable better sat once again in her garden, serving as a roost for birds.
Despite that, she was not so vain as to think herself all-knowing or all-powerful. If nothing else, there were forces at play that dwarfed even her power, abstract concepts which shaped reality around themselves. Order. Chaos. Good. Evil. Light. Darkness. And, amidst everything, bringing balance to them all, Harmony. Twice before she had called out to the powers that bound the universe together, to the cosmic forces of creation, to grant her a boon. Twice before had Harmony answered her; when first Discord had been sealed in his stone prison, and, more recently, when her sister had been returned to her, purged of the corruption of the Nightmare.
Now, she called out for a third time, with a far, far simpler request. ‘Please, let something happen that will change this topic. Let anything happen. I’ll take Discord breaking free again at this point, just please, end this conversation.’ And, as before, she received her answer, in the form of a timid knock on her chamber door.
“Enter,” she called out uncertainly, shrugging in response to Luna’s quirked eyebrow of curiosity. The door slowly swung open, and a grey coated, dark maned earth pony stepped into the room. She was trailed by a white coated unicorn with a shockingly blue mane and an odd pair of tinted glasses, her horn aglow and several moderately sized, non-descript cases floating at her side. The earth pony dropped into a low bow as the door was pushed closed telekinetically, appearing distinctly uneasy in the presence of the Royal Sisters, while the unicorn seemed to be too busy admiring the room’s design to pay much attention to its occupants.
“Rise,” she bade the deferential mare, smiling to herself as she noticed the duo’s cutie marks. “You played at the last Gala, yes?” she asked the first mare, once more beginning to feel her customary control returning to her. “Did Mi Amore Cadenza summon you regarding the entertainment for the upcoming events?” It wasn’t a perfect solution, given that it still involved preparing for the wedding, but at least it saved her from having a discussion with Luna regarding mating habits.
The grey mare looked nervously to the side, cheeks flushed as her companion trotted over to stand beside her, smiling brightly, seemingly at nothing in particular. “Not… quite, your majesty,” the earth pony answered, a hint of nervousness, but no trace of embarrassment or fear, barely audible through her carefully practiced accent. To a trained ear, she clearly wasn’t from Canterlot, but she did her best to pass as a native. “She did mention the potential need for our respective services in that regard in the note she sent, but her primary wish was for us to assist your… education, Princess.”
Were Celestia not already purest white, she would have become so as the pieces feel into place. ‘No,’ she pleaded with the cosmic forces, ‘no, please don’t let them be…’
“What my marefriend is trying to say,” the unicorn abruptly added, still smiling, “is that Cadence asked us both to come up and show you how a mare pleases a mare these days. Once our good deed is done, then we go talk to her about the public work.” The mare was earnest, her smile genuine; there was no sense of shame, no implication of a quid pro quo, no indication that she felt forced to provide the lesson. Her apparent marefriend was still blushing, but she nodded, smiling as she looked at the unicorn.
‘I will do literally anything you want if this doesn’t happen right now,’ she promised, willing herself to ignore the madness of trying to bargain with primal forces which existed beyond thought. ‘I’ll turn Equestria into a totalitarian state dedicated to order at the cost of individuality. I’ll free Discord and embrace chaos as the natural state of things. I’ll embrace evil and bring about unending daylight. Just please, please don’t make me take lessons on how to please a mare while my little sister is here with me.’ But the cosmos paid her no heed.
“How serendipitous, Tia!” Luna proclaimed, grinning at her sister before she turned to the mares. “Tell me, are you familiar with the use of phallic simulacrum?” she asked hopefully. “It seems I may have need of them soon. Along with any other techniques you might impart to us, of course.”
“Uh… ’phallic simulacrum?’ Oh, wait, you mean… yeah, yeah, I think we can do that; not much to ‘em, really,” the unicorn laughed as she realized what Luna had been asking after. “See, babe? And you didn’t want to bring the gear.” She playfully nuzzled her lover as the containers she held aloft sprung open, revealing an assortment of ‘accessories’ ranging in complexity from simple, straightforward toys to intricate, vaguely unsettling devices, and in purpose from the tame, almost boring to a few which, if Celestia was correct in her guesses, might actually be illegal for one pony to use on another, regardless of consent.
And, stored in their own case, isolated from the other devices, three items whose intended purpose she couldn’t even begin to guess at. Celestia leaned away from that case, eyeing those items warily, as one might look at venomous snake, coiled and ready to strike.
“With your permission, majesties, may we begin?” the grey mare asked, her confidence bolstered by Luna’s enthusiasm.
Before her sister could respond with something, anything to dissuade them, Luna nodded vigorously. “Indeed, please do,” she cheerfully instructed, before turning to look at her sister. “We shall have to remember to thank Cadenza for this, sister; a tutorial in the physical aspects of love shall be most useful, if such is expected of us.”
For her part, Celestia, Ruler of Equestria, Goddess of the Sun, simply looked on uneasily as the lesson began, unable to look away despite her desire to, softly whimpering to herself as her sister paid careful attention. And, in the castle gardens, a flock of pigeons took to the wing as their perch began to shake, almost as though the statue was laughing.
Clothing had an odd place in Equestrian society. It was completely possible, and indeed acceptable, for a pony to go her entire life without ever covering herself, and nopony would question her for it. There were, of course, practical exceptions; ponies who lived in colder climates needed to shield themselves against the elements; bakers had to ensure that strands of hair from their manes and coats didn’t find their way into their food; and anypony might wear a hat to keep the sun from their eyes. But for the majority of ponies, clothes were worn for much the same reason as they might wear jewelry – to make a statement, either about their own tastes, or to flaunt their wealth and prestige. The original purpose of the grand balls had been for the nobility to flaunt their own fortunes in the form of finely tailored suits and sprawling, unwieldy gowns; more than one noble had bankrupted himself trying to outshine his rivals.
That financial irresponsibility had, centuries before, spawned something of a counter-movement. Ponies who objected to the reckless spending of the wealthy and privileged began to clothe themselves as well. But, where the nobles would clad themselves in flowing silks and ornately crafted displays of finery, the commoners’ garb was cheap and gaudy, a twisted mockery of the wardrobes of the powerful. Soon, some of the nobles, secretly grateful to have an excuse not to spend so heavily on such limited decorations, began to champion the cause, wearing the same garish clothes in what they claimed was a display of solidarity with those beneath them. And so, a quiet struggle was waged for several years between the nobles who continued the old ways, and those who found more permanent, if not necessarily more charitable, objects on which to spend their fortunes, inadvertently triggering the start of a revolution in painting, sculpture, and literature.
The struggle came to a head when two noble mares arrived to the Grand Galloping Gala, each clad in a nearly identical gown meant to mimic the majesty of the sun. One gown was crafted from cloth-of-gold and diamonds, a work of art in and of itself. The other was made with gold lamé and rhinestones, and honestly looked rather tacky by comparison, though not so much as to be insulting to the Princess of the Sun.
The ensuing conflict was remembered for six centuries as the most disastrous Gala ever held, until the dubious honor was wrested away mere months ago. Evidently, the nobility felt that animal stampedes and assault by cake were far worse than open combat. Unfortunately for those involved, Celestia hadn’t tacitly instigated the earlier debacle, and was significantly less amused by it. Tired of the nobility’s quiet fashion war, but unwilling to stymie the flow of actual art by returning the focus of the wealthy to more and more elaborate clothing, Celestia had implemented an official limit on how much a single pony could spend on their apparel while attending the Gala. The nobles, for their part, realized that art was generally more effective means of flaunting their wealth, and the commoners continued to receive the short end of the proverbial stick, though nopony seemed desperate to spend quite as much quite as often to commission painters as they had to commission tailors, so they still saw a net gain.
Terrible fashion fell out of fashion as a political statement in due course, and in the intervening centuries it had, for the bulk of Equestria’s population, simply become something to cringe at when somepony wore it. Noble families, however, had long memories, and tailors, somehow, even longer. Accordingly, both groups still considered hideous clothes a personal affront, regardless of motivation, and reacted accordingly. And reporters, at least those who would cover future royal brides, tended to be clever enough not to intentionally offend the ponies they sought information from.
Twilight Sparkle knew all that, both from her own studies and from etiquette training Celestia had given her alongside her lessons in other, more substantial subjects. This knowledge was the only thing that saved the two smiling unicorns from a swift magical assault the moment they crossed the threshold, since no reporter trying to gain information from a designer who was set to wed a princess would dare insult their subject by wearing such crimes against good taste as the pair had on.
That thought was followed shortly by the counter-argument that a truly clever reporter might well be that insulting, either to disguise themselves or to throw their subject off guard, but by that point Rarity had already trotted over to the pair and begun nuzzling them, indicating a degree of familiarity that might make disintegrating them awkward later on.
“Hello Mother, Father,” she said sweetly as she nuzzled each of the ponies in turn, careful not to touch their clothes. They were her parents, and she loved them, and knew that they loved her, and she understood that they wore what they wore because they found it comfortable, not as some kind of insult against her or her craft. That didn’t mean that actually touching the low-quality garments wouldn’t cause her to flinch back as if burned, which in turn made her consider, not for the first time, how much the garments could be improved if her father’s blue floral shirt and her mother’s orange…sin against fashion were both introduced to a judicious amount of fire. Though not, of course, while they were still wearing them.
Greetings complete, she turned back to her friends, still smiling. “I can’t quite recall if any of you may have met before, so, everypony, these are my parents.”
“Wait, these are your parents?” Dash responded, rolling her eyes. “I just figured you called everypony 'mother' and 'father,' Rarity.” Applejack nearly hit Dash with a hoof for being rude, before accepting that, tactless or not, she had a valid point.
“Quite,” Rarity replied stiffly, glaring at the pegasus as she made a mental note to add a tremendous amount of lace and frills to the mare’s gown. Satisfied with the image of her impending retribution, she turned her attention back to her parents, her sweet smile restored. “And these are my good friends…” she began, only to be cut off as her father raised his hoof genially.
“Rarity, you don’t really have to introduce us to your friends.” He grinned proudly at his daughter. “We do read the news, you know, and any mares who save the world twice in as many years don’t really need introductions. Pleased to meet you. I’m Magnum, and this lovely young mare is Pearl,” he said, bowing his head slightly to the others and gesturing to his wife before he draped his foreleg over his daughter’s back, pulling her close to him. “Now, speaking of the news, young lady, it sounds like you’ve been keeping secrets. Were you really that ashamed of your old mom and dad that you kept your fancy marefriend a secret from us?” He made a valiant attempt to sound upset at his eldest daughter, and failed quite spectacularly.
Rarity rolled her eyes at the suggestion. “Really, Father, the only time I equate the two of you with shame is when I think of how much of a shame it is you won’t let me design some new clothes for you both,” she replied, half-playfully; it was an old issue between them, the designer constantly trying to improve her parent’s wardrobes, her parents always politely declining, each side viewing the familiar argument as a sign the other still cared.
It was thus something of a shock for Rarity to hear her mother’s response. “Tell you what, honey, you can make us both something new to wear for your big day, and Sweetie, too.” She smiled as she saw Rarity’s eyes light up with glee before joining the hug. “If you’ve got the spare time, that is. Though I have to imagine you’ve had plenty of time to get the gowns all set for you and your friends, huh?”
Rarity chuckled to herself, a faint blush coloring her cheeks. “Well, as it happens, I’m not quite as prepared as one might imagine,” she admitted. “My gown is, of course, mostly ready, though I might need to alter it slightly to match the theme. But the others are woefully unprepared.” She shook her head, dismissing any negative thoughts. “No matter, though. I'm certain I’ll find a way to make it all work.”
Applejack was watching the family dynamic with growing confusion, and quietly edged over towards Twilight, leaning in close enough to whisper without being overheard. “Twi, is this a unicorn thing Ah didn’t know about, or are they a mite too okay with the whole, ya know… polygamy thing that’s goin’ on?”
“If it’s a unicorn thing, then it’s news to me, and my parents and I are going to have a long talk about it the next time I see them,” Twilight whispered back.
Back amidst the family hug, Magnum was smiling even more broadly. “Oh, so this was a sudden proposal then, huh? Did that fancy princess of yours sweep you all off your hooves last night after her big to-do?” His smile grew mischievous as he remembered how he had proposed so many years ago. He had quickly learned that sweeping a mare off her hooves in a literal sense was a good way to end up with both of them sprawled in a pile.
“Well, no, actually. Not quite,” his daughter answered, her blush growing. “You see, Princess Luna… well, hasn’t actually been dating the six of us, as such. Nor did she technically propose, in the traditional sense.” She giggled nervously as she felt his grip on her tighten slightly. “Considering the timing of your arrival, I rather suspect you found out about it before I did, in all honesty.”
His confused smile shifted quickly to a confused frown as he released his hold on his daughter and took a step back. “You mean your marefriend just… announced you were getting married, without checking first?” He cocked an eyebrow as he looked at Rarity with concern. “Princess or not, that’s still kind of presumptuous, isn’t it?”
“Oh, don’t be silly!” Pinkie interjected before Rarity could open her mouth to speak. “Of course her marefriend didn’t just announce she’d be marrying all six of us without asking first.” She smiled happily at the stallion, who nodded in relief.
“Oh, well that’s good. Because let me tell you, princess or not, if she was mistreating my little diamond here, well, I’d just have to go up to her and…”
The war between his protective instincts and his common sense was averted as Pinkie interrupted. “After all, how could her marefriend do anything, since Princess Luna wasn’t her marefriend? At least…I don’t think she was.” She paused, tapping a hoof against her chin thoughtfully. “Unless Rarity was dating her all along, and just not telling us, and she’s only pretending to have had no idea what was happening this morning as a prank.” Pinkie leaned forward, squinting at Rarity, lips pursed in thought, before she shook her head. “Nah. If Rarity had been dating Princess Luna, she’d be upset we all got to marry her.”
Pearl, now sharing her husband’s puzzled frown, looked between her daughter and Pinkie uncertainly. “Is that true, Rarity? The princess just… decided that she was going to marry you, without even asking your opinion on the matter?” Her voice was tinged with anxiety as she looked her daughter dead in the eyes. Rarity responded with a shallow nod, grinning dreamily as she did. Her mother took a breath, shivering at her daughter’s confirmation. “Oh, Rarity, this is… this is wonderful!” the elder mare happily exclaimed, pulling her daughter into a tight, joyous embrace.
Magnum fell to his haunches, blinking in confusion. “Pearl, honey? How is this wonderful? I… you yelled at me the first time I tried to propose, because I ‘didn’t do it right,’ and you made me try again all romantic, under the moonlight, next to the lake,” He pushed the brim of his hat up to scratch at his forehead. “I could have just taken an ad in the paper, and that would have been romantic enough?”
Mother and daughter looked at him pityingly, clicking their tongues in unified sympathy. “Oh, honey, it isn’t the same thing at all,” She shook her head, still hugging Rarity. “It’s one thing when two normal ponies are in a relationship; then, you need to have everything be nice and romantic and special. But this… ” She took a breath, struggling to speak through the rising emotions. “It’s like a faerie tale, dear. A princess wants to take our little girl away to her castle and marry her; there’s nothing more romantic.”
Twilight nodded, though not in agreement. “Well, that helps explain Rarity’s fascination with faerie tale romance,” she muttered to herself, though apparently loud enough for Applejack to hear. Applejack grimly nodded herself, adding another mare to her growing mental list of potentially unstable ponies. “Of course, it does raise questions regarding the societal standards wherein a princess insisting upon a unilaterally arranged marriage is considered romantic, whereas a prince engaging in the same activity would be viewed far less favorably.”
“And it gets better, Mother,” Rarity added, still smiling and pointedly ignoring Twilight’s decidedly unromantic analysis. “Not only does a princess want to marry me because of who I am and what I’ve done, we’re reasonably certain that if we try to decline she’ll try to destroy all life on Equestria!”
Magnum tapped his forehoof against his forehead, eyes clenched shut. “That makes even less sense.”
“Sir, if I may?” Twilight began, trying to sound sympathetic and finding herself marginally successful. “While I agree with you that this conversation is saying a great deal more about our society than I think certain ponies are aware, it’s been that kind of morning. You might be better off just… going with it.” She mustered a weak, reassuring grin for Magnum’s benefit. “And, speaking from experience, you don’t want Rarity to go into details about… certain things. Just trust me on this, sir. You truly don’t want some of the mental images the rest of us got.”
He was about to protest further when there were two squeaks coming from the door leading down to the storage area. One of the squeaks was slightly annoying, seemed to indicate the need for oil, and came from the door hinges. The second squeak was fairly adorable, seemed to indicate a great deal of happiness, and came from the purple and pink maned little filly standing in the middle of the door frame. “Daddy! Mommy!” Sweetie Belle squeaked happily, rushing forward to embrace her fairly frazzled father. “Rarity’s getting married!” Her voice cracked in her excitement as her mother released Rarity to tousle her other daughter’s mane.
Scooping his younger, arguably more grounded daughter up into a hug, her father nodded, his happy smile returning, at least partially. “We heard, Sweetie. It’s…” He looked around the room at the various mares, and shrugged. “Apparently it’s wonderful and not-at-all crazy.”
“Point of clarification, we’re still not entirely convinced it isn’t crazy,” Twilight corrected, wisely keeping her voice down lest she start an argument. Perhaps not low enough, however, as Rarity’s ears twitched, and she looked over at Twilight, eyes squinted as she considered whether or not she had, in fact, heard anything.
As luck would have it, Spike appeared in the door frame as she did, his tiny arms precariously clutching two large bolts of cloth of gold and three of cloth of silver, each easily twice as tall as he was. The sound of his claws scratching lightly against the floor as he walked was apparently similar enough to the sound of a snarky unicorn to leave Rarity unsure as to what she’d heard, prompting her to err on the side of caution and let the matter drop.
“Hey, Rarity, the guards want to know if – oh, your parents are here, that’s good, pleased to meet you both, I’m Spike,” the baby dragon began, interrupting himself as he nodded a greeting to the older ponies, unwilling to risk anything else with the unwieldy, expensive, and, as far as he knew, delicate fabric barely under control. “Anyway, the guards wanted to know if you really needed them to bring all of the white and dark blue fabrics you have down there, or if you couldn’t, you know, pick some up in Canterlot. Since it’s pretty much the fashion capitol of the known world, besides being the…well, the regular capitol, and all?” He shrugged. “They just think it might be…a little faster, I guess.”
Rarity rolled her eyes at the thought. “Goodness no, Spike; that would be far too dangerous.”
“Dangerous? Really?” he asked, incredulous that anything related to fabric could be legitimately considered dangerous, assuming one wasn’t being strangled by a length of cloth.
“Fine then, risky,” she allowed, slightly offended. She looked from the dragon to her friends, certain at least one of them would understand. When she all she received were five skeptical stares, she sighed. “Everypony, this wedding shall be the social event of the year… the century… the millennium! And it was announced hours ago, in a city where ponies do not necessarily respect the concept of ‘business hours,’” She began gesturing with her hoof towards the front windows, the crowd of ponies outside visible even through the drawn curtains. “As evidenced by the reporters who were already here at dawn, ponies were reacting to the news of our weddings before we ourselves knew. If the press knows, then the nobles almost certainly know; wouldn’t you agree, Twilight?” She gave her friend a look that Twilight would have described as intense and, if pressed, frightening.
“Well… some of them, at least,” Twilight agreed. “At least, Princess Celestia told me some of the noble families had an arrangement with the major news organizations to find out about any important happenings in advance of the general public.”
Rarity nodded. “See? And if the nobles know, then the major designers most probably know, either because they received a panicked messenger in the middle of the night from said nobles, seeking to schedule a fitting for new clothes for the event, or because the nobles themselves arrived for an immediate fitting and design session,” she continued, still gesturing, though not at anything in particular now.
“Following that chain of events to its conclusion, it stands to reason that, for the foreseeable future, high quality fabric in Canterlot might be a rather scarce commodity. And that, in turn, means that I might be forced to make your gowns out of substandard materials or, even worse you all might need to…” She threw her foreleg across her eyes, head tossed back dramatically. “You might need to get your gowns… off the rack! And that… that goes far beyond being the worst thing I can conceive of. That is truly a fate worse than death.” Rarity slammed a hoof down for emphasis. “And I shall not allow that fate to befall my friends. So no, Spikey-Wikey, I simply cannot allow my supplies to be left behind.”
Spike, for his part, simply blinked, well accustomed to Rarity’s dramatic tendencies, and shouted down the stairs, “Yeah, she says she needs all of it.” A trio of frustrated groans answered him as he carefully walked back over towards Twilight and the others…and the still remarkably large pile of pastries.
Rarity, meanwhile, had spun back around to face her parents, smiling cheerfully. “Now, Mother, Father, I do apologize, but you see, the Princess sent a trio of soldiers to convey us to Canterlot with all haste. Really, we should have departed sometime ago, but it wouldn’t have meant leaving Sweetie unattended. But, now that you’re here to take Sweetie home, I rather suspect our escorts will insist we don’t dally any longer, and it might be best if you leave now, rather than get caught in the frenzy after we’ve left.”
“Oh, don’t worry about it, honey,” Pearl responded amicably, prodding her husband back to his hooves and towards the door. “We’ll talk to you soon. In the mean time you have fun planning the wedding.”
“I’m still not entirely convinced this all makes sense,” Magnum muttered as his wife shepherded him to the exit, their second daughter skipping merrily behind, nopony paying any attention to his continued misgivings.
As the door opened, the three were practically assaulted by the assembled reporters, a cacophony of questions blending into an incomprehensible wall of noise, accompanied by brilliant flashes of light as a multitude of photographs were taken. Undeterred, parents and child began to make their way through the crowd, the door slowly swinging shut behind them. Fluttershy flinched back, the lights and sounds reminding her uncomfortably of her time as a model. Apparently her fear saturated state did little to alleviate general anxiety. The nearly closed door springing open again did little to help as she anticipated the reporters, having realized the door was not, in fact, locked, would pour into the boutique and begin questioning and photographing them all.
Instead, it was merely Sweetie Belle, bounding back in, looking at her sister with determination in her eyes. “Rarity, I’m sorry but I forgot to ask…I was just wondering…if you remembered what you promised me, when I was little? About Grandpa Halberd’s song?” Her attempt at projecting a serious demeanor was undermined somewhat by the increasing pitch of her voice towards the end of her question.
Rarity pulled her little sister to her, smiling softly as she did. “Of course I remember, Sweetie. I’m not sure if you’ll be able to sing as part of the ceremony itself, but if you can’t then I will make absolutely certain that you can sing grandfather’s song during the reception.” She leaned down to kiss Sweetie on the forehead. “Now hurry along. I can’t imagine Mother and Father are enjoying being left to the jackals out there.” She shook her head in amusement as her sister happily hopped back out the door.
“Rarity, don’t take this the wrong way, but do you really think it’s a good idea for Sweetie Belle to sing during the ceremony?” Applejack asked uneasily as the door clicked shut. “Ah mean, not that Ah think there’s anything wrong with her singing, mind, but… well, you remember what happened last time, don’t you?”
Rarity chuckled gently as she turned back away from the door. “Yes, Applejack, I recall the talent show as well as you do. But remember, that wasn’t entirely Sweetie Belle’s doing.” She shook her head in rueful amusement. “I’m reasonably certain that both of our sisters, on their own, are no more dangerous than any other filly their age. It’s only when they begin their ‘crusading’ that they become disaster made manifest.”
She sighed, seemingly breathing out some of her mirth as she did. “In any case, the traditional royal wedding ceremony is too inflexible to allow her to sing during it. Trust me, I’ve memorized it. A shame, really. I don’t recall ever seeing her as happy as when I promised her she could sing at my wedding.” She sighed again, more wearily. “Alas, she’ll simply have to wait for the reception.”
“Oh, oh! Idea!” Pinkie exclaimed suddenly, her eyes glittering unnervingly. The others looked at her, a vague sense of impending doom washing over them. “Karaoke at the reception!” she announced, smiling broadly.
Her friends blinked in unison, surprised by the relative sanity of the suggestion. “That’s…actually not a bad idea, Pinkie,” Twilight allowed, still eyeing Pinkie warily, in case another shoe was waiting to drop.
“Probably keep the more stuck up noble types from stickin’ around too long, which’ll be nice,” Applejack agreed, her own eyes shooting wide as she realized what she’d just said. “Oh, consarn it, now Ah’m startin’ ta think about the reception! Ah still don’t want any part of this weddin’ in the first place!”
“I don’t know, AJ; first you start thinking about the reception, then you start thinking about where we should go for the honeymoon, and before you know it –Bam! Imagining all that sweet princess lovin’ we’ll all be getting,” Dash teased, slamming her forehooves together for emphasis on the ‘bam.’ She grinned lecherously as the farmer’s eye twitched. “Speaking of the honeymoon, I was thinking Las Pegasus. Drinking, gambling, socially approved debauchery…” Her voice trailed off as she pictured the scene in her mind.
“Four of us plummeting to ours deaths if nopony remembered to recast the cloud-walking spell regularly,” Twilight added grimly. “If it comes to a honeymoon, how about someplace less likely to prove accidentally fatal to those of us without wings, Dash? Maybe Manehattan? See the museums, take in a show, visit the Manehattan Public Library’s rare book collection…doesn’t that sound fun?”
“You had me until the last part, darling,” Rarity agreed, pointedly ignoring the disgusted expression worn by Rainbow Dash; further retribution for Dash’s earlier rudeness was a splendid bonus to her agreement. “But perhaps you and Celestia could spend some private time there while Luna and the rest of us did a bit of shopping?” Her own eyes glazed over slightly at the idea of a Manehattan shopping spree with the royal purse behind it, only feeling a slight tinge of guilt at the thought as she reminded herself she was marrying for purely romantic reasons, and that the financial security was a fringe benefit. A very nice fringe benefit.
Applejack shook her head. “Ah had enough of Manehattan when Ah was a filly, thank ya kindly, Rarity. Too fancy for mah tastes. Ah’d rather we head someplace a bit less stuffy, if nopony minds. Maybe someplace with a beach?” It took a few seconds, as well as Dash’s restored grin, to process what she’d just said. “Oh, sweet Celestia, Ah’m planning the honeymoon already,” With the realization came a grimace, and she pressed her hoof to her forehead and turning to look at her studious friend. “Twi, Ah need you to use your magic and knock me out before Ah get any worse. Ah don’t think I can handle picturin’ myself with Princess Luna right now.”
“Aw, stop being so negative about things, Applejack,” Pinkie suggested, draping a leg over her fellow earth pony’s shoulders, an unsettlingly wide smile on her face. “After all, ponies always say that bigger is better, and Luna’s the second biggest pony in the world now. I mean, she’s bigger than your brother, and based on what I’ve heard from, oh…probably eighty percent of the mares in town, he is just amazing.” She leaned in closer, lowering her voice to a conspiratorial whisper. “The mayor told me she offered to throw him a parade as a thank you, but he turned her down.”
That final revelation was too much for the poor earth pony, her knees giving out from under her as she fell free of Pinkie’s grasp, collapsing to the floor, her face looking greener then her granny. “Ah just want to go five minutes without somepony putting disturbin’ mental images of mah parents, mah granny, mah brother, or mah friends in mah head. Ah really don’t think that’s too much to ask right now.”
“Pinkie, perhaps reminding Applejack of her brother’s endowment and supposed prowess in carnal matters isn’t a terribly good idea,” Rarity explained delicately, helpfully levitating a waste paper basket over to her friend, just in case. “It’s clearly making her uncomfortable, and frankly I’d rather not have to clean vomit from the floor before we leave.”
Pinkie nodded enthusiastically. “Yeah, Mrs. Cake has been doing that a lot lately, so believe me, I know how much of a pain that is to clean. But still…if Big Mac is parade good, just imagine how good the Princesses must be!”
****
“Oh, by Celestia’s perky nipples, don’t stop!” the grey mare shouted, all sense of decorum and refinement lost, along with awareness of just who was watching, as her marefriend dutifully instructed the royal sisters in certain…techniques.
“And now, when I do this with my hoof…” the white unicorn explained with a smirk, demonstrating exactly what to do, prompting a window-rattling moan from the focus of her ministrations.
“Did you know to do that, sister?” Luna whispered, leaning in close to her sister so as to not disturb the demonstration; a long piece of parchment and several quills were suspended in her aura off to the side, allowing her the ability to take extensive notes on the proceedings, complete with detailed diagrams, without interfering with her view of the helpful couple. “I must confess, many of these techniques seem unusual. Especially that… thing, with the…”
Celestia shook her head, unable to tear her eyes away from the sight before her, despite every conscious effort she made to do so. “The last time I was…active in this fashion, ponies would have been stoned to death for even suggesting that one, Luna,” she managed to reply, barely suppressing a pained whimper of discomfort.
Luna nodded contemplatively. “If this is to be expected of us, I fear one demonstration might be insufficient to prepare us for modern brides, Tia,” the Princess of the Night noted gravely. “If we are to ensure their satisfaction, we may need to arrange for more lessons for the coming week.”
‘Morningstar Flame,’ Celestia thought to herself grimly, ‘that would be a suitable name for my evil persona. Or perhaps Lightbringer Inferno. Fly around a bit, destroy a few empty buildings, declare that the sun will never set again…no, the way things are going, my subjects will think eternal day is actually a good idea.’ She sighed as she tabled the thought, at least temporarily. “We shall have to see, Luna. We don’t want to…frighten them all. By being too skilled, that is.” She hoped beyond words that would be enough to preclude further instructional sessions.
Noticing that Luna was still leaning in close to her, Celestia wrenched her eyes from the two ponies who had commandeered her royal bed to look at her sister, groaning as she realized what Luna was looking at so intently. “Don’t even ask, Luna. I don’t understand why our subjects invoke them, regardless of relative perkiness.” Apparently satisfied, Luna straightened on her cushion, and Celestia’s gaze turned back to the scene on her bed, careful not to close her eyes lest she see an uncomfortable vision of the grey earth pony on her bed replaced by a purple unicorn, squirming beneath an entirely different, significantly larger white-coated mare.
****
Fluttershy sat quietly, dimly aware of the discussion her friends were having regarding their potential honeymoon destination and the relative merits of the Divine Sisters compared to Applejack’s brother. Her attention, however, was focused elsewhere. Her ears twitching subtly, her head was cocked to the side, listening. It was no secret that she was a timid mare, and had been her entire life. Anypony who knew her was aware of the former point, and could presumably guess at the latter. What ponies didn’t generally realize was that trying to hear her own whispers had inadvertently taught her to listen to sounds so quiet that most ponies ignored them. It had proven to be both boon and bane to the shy pegasus, the benefits of hearing an injured baby bunny squeaking from across an entire meadow offset by the embarrassment of hearing two ponies making whispered arrangements that left her blushing.
Or, as was the case presently, a low sort of irregular stomping sound, nearly drowned out by her friends, seeming to be coming from directly below them. She’d begun to hear it shortly after Spike had returned from the basement, and hadn’t paid too much attention to it, satisfied that the three big, scary looking stallions down there would be able to handle it if something went wrong. But as she’d sat and listened, she stopped hearing the faint sound of the stallions, one by one, replaced by the sound of louder, heavier creatures, slowly moving around in the basement.
“Rarity?” she whispered, barely able to hear it herself, certainly unheard by the others, as she realized that whatever was in the basement had begun to move towards the stairs. “Rarity?” she asked again, louder, trying to get her friend’s attention, but still drowned out by the merits of size as it related to their current situation; there was a creak of wood bowing under the weight of something heavy. “Rarity!” she shouted as the creaking grew louder, closer, whatever was walking up the steps joined by two other apparently enormous creatures, along with whatever was making the loud, thumping sound.
Her outburst drew all eyes to her, and she pointed at the door, trying to stay as calm as possible. “I’m sorry to interrupt everypony, but I just thought you should know that there’s something coming up the stairs and it sounds much too heavy to be a pony and I don’t think the guards are down there anymore and it sounds like there’s more than one and we might want to do something about that.” She paused and gulped down a breath; her vocal speed had nearly rivaled Pinkie at her most excited. “You know, unless you have some big scary monsters or something down in the basement that you just didn’t tell anypony about?” She looked at Rarity, suddenly hopeful that her friend might just have a few exotic pets she’d failed to mention. Rarity's anxious expression quickly dashed that hope. “Well, I guess that was a bit of a long shot, anyway.”
Twilight took a step towards the door, her horn flaring to life, ready to defend her friends from whatever was climbing the stairs. She wasn’t sure how Fluttershy knew, but she wasn’t going to take any chances. “Spike, grab a scroll, quill, and ink from my saddle bag. If I tell you to run, you start running, get to a safe spot, and send a scroll to the Princess telling her we’re in trouble. Ask her to send the guard, and…Spike! This is no laughing matter!” She looked at her assistant in annoyance, the young dragon laughing riotously. “Whatever’s down there managed to get through three guards, and if it can beat us, then Ponyville is going to need help.”
Spike choked back his laughter, wiping away a tear as he looked at his de-facto mother. “Sorry, Twilight, and no offense to Fluttershy, but if weight is what we’re basing this on, well…I don’t think we have much to worry about.” He shook his head, still chuckling as he looked at Rarity. “You don’t actually know how much blue and white fabric you have down there, do you?” he asked, as the first creature appeared in the door frame.
It was large, barely able to pass through the doorframe, its translucent charcoal exterior pushing against the wood, bending it out slightly. Beneath that exterior was a mass of dark blues and whites, muted by the grey tones but still identifiable. Beneath that second layer, only visible from the neck forward, was the Night Guard sergeant, straining under the weight of a dozen seemingly heavy rolls of fabric.
“I hate to impose upon the royal fiancées” he grunted, barely able to remain upright, “but if somepony could help with these, my subordinates and I would certainly appreciate it. Poison’s managed to keep everything bundled together, but he’s not doing so well lightening the load for us.”
“I told you, Snake; you want a shield, I can do that. You want toxins, venoms, and other malignant substances neutralized, I’m your stallion,” came the reply from the stairs. “You want close to a hundred bolts of cloth carried around, plus this crate, this is the best I can do. They never trained me as a porter. And it didn’t help that the dragon suggested we bring some purples and yellows, ‘just in case’ they ended up being necessary.”
Showing remarkable professional restraint, White Snake managed to not roll his eyes, though he acknowledged the unicorn’s point enough to mentally decline any disciplinary measures. “In any case, ma’am,” he continued, looking directly at Rarity - or, it seemed, directly above Rarity, “I’m not entirely sure that all of your materials will be able to fit in the chariot along with the rest of you. Do you think you could narrow down the most important selection to take with you, and we can come back for the rest?”
Blushing, Rarity nodded sheepishly, and stepped forward quickly to help relieve the guard of some of his burden, while Twilight, threat passed but adrenaline still coursing through her, walked towards the stairs to help the other two guards.
****
It took Rarity, aided by Fluttershy, ten minutes to sort out the truly necessary selections from the lower-end material kept on hoof for projects which didn’t demand the best quality fabric. In the end, she settled on four previously untouched bolts each of white silk and midnight blue silk, two of royal purple silk, one of pale yellow silk, and four high-thread count bolts of white linen, as well as the cloth of gold and silver, and her crate of…special materials. It still couldn’t be called traveling light, but the two pegasi guards thought it would be enough to successfully make the trip back to Canterlot.
Once the initial selections were complete, Rarity had excused herself, galloping upstairs, returning less than two minutes later with a carefully packed make-up case, a small jewelry box, and two garment bags, one of which she said contained an ‘emergency gown’ while the other contained her own wedding gown, made in advance and simply waiting for the occasion. None of her friends felt any particular need to question her possession of an emergency gown, or why she kept her wedding gown pre-packed in the same manner. Given enough time, one simply learned not to question Rarity’s priorities, just as one learned, occasionally painfully, not to question the Pinkie Sense, or not to espouse the virtues of pears within earshot of the Apple Family.
The guards, meanwhile, simply didn’t want to annoy the future royal brides, intent on being able to take brides themselves at some point in the future, and thus anxious to avoid the application of burning iron to the sensitive areas of their bodies.
Finally prepared, or at least as prepared as they were likely to be for the foreseeable future, the door to the Carousel Boutique swung open, a dark grey wall of force ballooning out from the shop as the pegasi guards stepped forth, gesturing for the press to step back, Poison’s shield providing added incentive for those who hesitated to comply. The unicorn himself was hanging back, prepared to bring up the rear of the procession and transport the pared down selection of fabric.
By unspoken agreement, Twilight was the first of the Element Bearers to step through the door, drawing upon the nearly forgotten instructions Celestia had given her years ago. Head held high, eyes ahead, muzzle turned up just enough to project an aura of power and authority without looking imperious or, worse, like one had just smelt something unpleasant. She was actually impressed by how well it seemed to work, having never had the occasion to practice it before. The swarm of reporters on the other side of the force wall actually stepped back further than seemed necessary, and some of them went so far as to bow as she passed. Unfortunately, it didn’t seem to impress the photographers enough to preclude them taking more than a few photos of the mare who was to marry both of their divine rulers, nor did the locals interspersed in the horde seem terribly impressed.
A step behind her, for once thankful to be completely ignored, walked Spike, a sealed scroll in claw bearing the message Twilight had written out just before the door had opened, ready to send once they were on the chariot. He kept pace with Twilight, but wasn’t himself particularly concerned about his bearing. Nopony seemed inclined to pay much attention to a baby dragon when there were six mares engaged to royalty to focus on instead.
After Twilight and Spike, in the second proper position by virtue of unspoken threat of painfully feminine apparel to any blue pegasus who went ahead of her, Rarity exited her combination home and business, her gowns, make-up, and accessories supported by her magic, initially emulating Twilight’s regal posture…right until the cameras began to focus on her, and which point she played to them, tossing her mane playfully, pouting flirtatiously as she looked directly at the photographers, and generally basking in the attention until a nearly unnoticeable field of purplish magic tugged on her ear, forcing her to begin walking again, her resumed attempt at regal bearing spoiled slightly by the hint of a frown tugging at her mouth, giving the impression that she’d just stepped in something unpleasant, as was getting a fresh scent of it with each step.
Third, by unspoken realization that nopony else particularly cared about ordering at that point, was a reasonably unusual sight: Rainbow Dash on the ground. And not only was she not flying, she didn’t seem overly concerned about it. For Rainbow Dash was currently partaking in her third favorite activity, less favored than speed or napping, but also less easily indulged in: Rainbow Dash was strutting. She didn’t care that it was slower even than walking, she had an audience, they were talking pictures of her, and she was engaged to the second most powerful mare in Equestria - if that didn’t give her cause to strut, then nothing ever would. Where the ponies ahead of her had at least attempted to project a sense of regal poise, she was content with an aura of casual confidence – she was cool, she knew it, and she was magnanimously allowing everypony else to bask in her reflected glory
Applejack found herself copying Dash’s slow pace, if for an entirely different reason; where Dash was prolonging her time in the spotlight, Applejack was delaying her approach to the chariot just as a prisoner would delay her approach to the gallows. Accidental interest in the reception and honeymoon aside, she was still against the whole affair, not least of all for fear of Granny Smith’s reaction to it. The last time an Apple had gone ‘against the natural order,’ Granny had personally overseen the tribunal expelling him from the family. It had caused more than a minor uproar at the time, though the outrage had been less about the Family’s rather backwards stance on the matter, and more that the Apple Family was allowed, by royal charter, to maintain a legally binding internal court system.
The charter had subsequently been rescinded, and the decision reversed on appeal, but that hadn’t stopped Granny Smith and the rest of the family elders from shunning the otherwise happy couple. And now Applejack was poised to share the same fate, condemned to a life separate from her family, her nights spent nestled comfortably next to the Princess of the Night, occasionally feeling her silver-shod hooves caressing…
She cursed as the final phase of Dash’s grim prophecy came to pass, and continued her slow trudge to the chariot.
Pinkie Pie bounced along happily behind her sullen friend, planning the ‘Cheer Up, Applejack’ party she’d need to arrange, in addition to all of the other festivities they’d need before the wedding. She only hoped she’d have enough time to make sure the entire extended Apple Family would be able to make it to Canterlot in time, certain that nothing would help her friend’s mood quite like having her entire family there when she married Princess Luna.
After Pinkie passed by, the reporters all turned back to the door, none of them wanting to be accused of lingering too long on any of the future brides’ flanks, and certainly not daring to photograph them, and absolutely not daring to use a special zoom function to get nice and tight on one specific anatomical feature…at least not after Spike had noticed one of the ponies with a camera had a Misbehaving Mares Monthly logo on his cap and quietly mentioned that to Twilight, resulting in a crushed camera and bruised…ego for the stallion in question. That focus quickly turned to confusion when the sixth and final bride-to-be failed to exit the building, a confusion which only amplified when a strange bush suddenly appeared in the doorframe. An exceptionally strange bush, in fact, which looked like somepony had just thrown some green cloth over themselves as a hasty disguise upon realizing their lifelike tree costume was still sitting in their cottage. The illusion was not helped by the long, pink tail sticking out from the back.
Had these been practically any other kind of reporter, somepony would almost certainly have realized that was no mere shrub. Conveniently, reporters charged with covering social affairs were not, as a general rule, the cleverest of ponies, and the miraculous shrub passed by with only a few photos taken as fodder for an eventual slow news day, all eyes waiting for the former model, current Element of Kindness, and future Princess-Consort to appear.
As the third royal guard passed them by carrying a large selection of cloth and collapsing the shield behind himself, the reporters assumed that the missing mare must have flown on ahead and began to trudge en masse towards the post office to dispatched the undeveloped film back to their respective organizations, completely ignoring the mysterious shrub being helped up onto the deep blue chariot.
****
“That had no business working,” Twilight announced once the chariot was in flight. “I weep for the future, if that’s the current state of journalism.”
Rarity patted her friend’s back reassuringly. “Oh, don’t worry about it too much, dear. Those were the society and gossip reporters, not the real ones." She rolled her eyes at the thought. “Really, half the time I think a filly could do their jobs just as well, if not better. And at least they’re not as bad as the fashion correspondents. Some of those can be fooled by a hat and a pair of glasses.”
“I still think somepony needs to do something about it; nopony should be fooled that easily by such an obvious disguise,” she countered, shaking her head. “Anyway, we’re airborne now, so send the letter, Spike.” Her assistant nodded, raising the scroll to his lips and expelling a small plume of green flame which consumed the scroll before speeding off in the same direction they were traveling, racing ahead of them towards Canterlot.
****
“Yes, Princess Luna, there actually are some that are enchanted so the wearer can feel what the recipient does,” the grey mare explained, blushing slightly. Her modesty had returned now that she was no longer on the receiving end of the demonstration, and she was slightly uncomfortable standing before her divine diarchs wearing a simulacrum of an anatomical feature she normally lacked.
She was not alone in that discomfort, as Princess Celestia very much wanted to throw herself from her balcony. The fall wouldn’t kill her, of course; it wouldn’t even inconvenience her for longer than it would take to teleport back up to her chambers. But she was hopeful that it might bring a premature end to the couple’s demonstration, and was reasonably certain the fall would be less traumatizing than watching what was to occur next.
She was about to make a run for the edge when a trail of green flame streamed into the chamber, heading straight for her. It stopped six inches from her horn, reforming into a scroll which she quickly snatched up with her magic, noticing with relief that the mare had stopped explaining the functions of her accessory when she had noticed the scroll’s arrival, much to the annoyance of her marefriend. Unrolling the parchment, the Princess of the Sun brought it to her face, hopeful that Twilight was letting her know that she and her friends were safely away from Ponyville and in the process of fleeing as if the dark spawn of Tartauros were at their heels.
Her heart sank as she read the letter, written in Twilight’s familiar hornwriting. “Dear Princess Celestia. Luna’s guards were able to find us before we left town, and we’re currently on our way to Canterlot. Assuming no trouble, we should be there in about an hour. So much to talk about, we’ll see you both then.” And then, as she read the closing, she smiled despite the active efforts of her brain to be concerned. Twilight had clearly begun to close the letter as she always had, but “Your faithful student,” had been crossed off.
Instead, the message was signed, “Love, Twilight Sparkle.” As Celestia’s rationality warred with her emotions, she passed the letter over to her sister, who simply smiled before turning her attention back to the couple waiting on her sister’s bed.
“We still have approximately forty minutes before my sister and I must leave to greet our future brides,” she instructed the pair. “Until then, please continue your demonstration.”
Saying that Celestia’s morning to that point had been unpleasant would have been much the same as saying that her sun was rather hot. Bboth statements were certainly true, yet still understated the situation rather severely. Admittedly it wasn’t the worst morning of her life, nor did it even rank in the hundred worst mornings she’d experienced, but that was hardly a fair comparison given all she’d experienced in her long life. And yet, looking out across the castle courtyard as she waited for the chariot bearing the Elements of Harmony to arrive, Celestia found that nothing that had occurred in the past few hours, not even the recently concluded educational nightmare, could keep a smile from her lips.
Thirty foot tall poles stood around the perimeter of the yard at regular intervals, poles that hadn’t been present the night before. Through the open gates, past the milling crowd of ponies watching the palace for any sign of the six mares pulled into her sister’s well-intentioned madness, the Princess of the Sun could see more of the grand poles stretching down the central boulevard leading to the castle. Grand, celebratory banners, twenty feet long and ten wide, hung from half of the supports, the bottom of each weighted to keep them from moving in the breeze.
It was not, however, the mere presence of hastily constructed banner supports which brought a soft smile to Celestia face; there were ponies dedicated to ‘dressing’ the city’s public spaces for both daily purposes and special occasions, and they trained for what the decorators styled as ‘emergency festivities.’ So, while it was gratifying to see how quickly her ponies had responded to Luna’s sudden announcement, it wasn’t as though it had been a spontaneous outpouring of effort by the average citizen upon hearing of the forthcoming weddings.
What touched her were the banners themselves. For a celebration which involved both ruling princesses, the banners normally used alternated between one with emblazoned with her cutie mark on a field of white, bordered by gold, and a silver-bounded field of deep blue adorned with Luna’s own mark. Simple and straightforward, and just ostentatious enough to instill a sense of gentle awe in their subjects.
Those were not the standards which were now on display. Instead, the poles which were not bare bore banners of white and lavender, split vertically down the middle and hung so that the white portion of the field was always nearer the castle. The device in the center of each standard was similarly split, and that is which made the Solar Princess smile despite herself as she looked at the sigil. On the lavender side of each banner was half of her sun, executed in fuchsia, while against the white field stood half a familiar six-pointed star executed in yellow, the two halves flush with each other.
Her desire to preclude the wedding notwithstanding, the symbolism was enough to melt her heart. And looking upon the public preparations was far less mentally taxing than the disturbingly thorough lesson she had endured with her sister.
Luna, standing to her sister’s right atop the grand landing overlooking the courtyard, looked upon the decorations with a slight frown. “I see no banners honoring my portion of the engagement,” she observed casually, though a touch of sadness lay under the observation.
“Well, to be fair, those banners have been sitting in the castle’s store rooms for years now, auntie,” Cadence helpfully pointed out from where she stood to the right of her adoptive aunts, having joined them to wait for the arrival of her former charge, while she also waited for the various ponies she had called upon to gather at the castle.
Luna glanced at the mare from the corner of her eye, still not entirely comfortable around the third alicorn. Besides her inexplicably rapid acceptance of Luna upon her return and her insistence upon treating the Princess of the Night as her aunt, she tended to be very… huggy. Under normal circumstances, that would have been no problem. Luna had actually quite enjoyed it initially, finding Cadence's displays of honest affection endearing. However, she had quickly come to realize that if the mare doing the hugging had a well-intentioned desire to spread love and tranquility and a magical aura which aided that desire, too many hugs could prove problematic. For most of her first week back, Cadence had been so thrilled that any prolonged contact had tended to send the Luna into a state of tranquil unconsciousness.
Celestia merely turned her gaze upwards, watching for the chariot, trying to ignore her niece’s comment lest her recently improved mood be shaken by the reminder that she had remained ignorant of her own eventual wedding for a decade while some of the supplies were being stored in her own castle.
“That, and the heralds are still arguing about how yours should look, Princess Luna,” Shining Armor added from his position to Celestia’s left, watching over the guards in the courtyard as he stood ready to serve his princesses in any capacity… and to greet his little sister. “They can’t seem to agree if it should be one banner representing all seven of you, or separate banners for each of your pairings. And beyond that, there’s further division among those favoring a single banner as to the design itself.” He sighed, once again wishing that the Office of the Royal Heralds wasn’t under the purview of the Royal Guard. It wasn’t that he particularly minded that one of the duties of the Captain of the Guard was to oversee their activities, but the ancient tradition which forbade him any actual authority over them did, on occasion, make his life more difficult. Usually in the form of one of the nobles barging into his office to complain about an embarrassing detail in one of the official genealogies, leaving him to explain that he had no control over the heralds, and that there was nothing he could do about the discovery that some long-dead ancestor’s fondness for tarts had been the origin of said noble’s lineage and had had nothing to do with a love of a particular dessert.
“I see,” Luna replied thoughtfully. The captain began to nod, relieved that Luna was so accepting of the situation, when the Princess of the Night’s horn began to glow, accompanied by a shimmering patch of air a foot from her face. As he watched, a translucent image began to appear; a small rectangle, the left half a dark sapphire, the right half a deep grey marked with half of a crescent moon, executed in white. Luna considered her work a moment before nodding.
“This is, as I recall, how such a banner should be made.” She gestured towards the ethereal banner, nodding to herself. “This styling was originally intended for use with members of the nobility who were the scions of more than one great line, but it shall serve for this situation. As taking a single color for my representation risks insulting one or more of the others, a neutral scheme shall be used. The other emblems shall be executed in midnight blue, as would be normal, placed equidistant from each other in descending order of rank.” She paused briefly, closing her eyes as she considered something. “I confess I’m uncertain what the order of rank would be for those without formal title, so I leave it to the current heralds to determine that using whatever criteria they judge appropriate.” She opened her eyes, looking past her sister to the shorter stallion. “Though I suggest they decide quickly,” she added, her smile halfway between pleasant and predatory.
Shining Armor opened his mouth to speak, closing it as he thought better of using the particular phrase he had in mind in the presence of the assembled princesses.
“We shall save you the question, Captain: the heraldic arts were not my creation,” she admitted with a playful smirk, much to Shining Armor’s surprise - considering the sundry other martial disciplines she’d already been revealed to have had a hoof in since her return, he’d been certain she was about to add another to the list. “Though we…I am responsible for the establishment of a formal office to oversee them, and free from the influence of squabbling nobles.” She sighed sadly, her head drooping ever so slightly. “Though I must confess, I find myself saddened that it sounds as though they have fallen prey to the same bureaucratic tendencies which infest so much in these times.”
The captain nodded slightly at the revelation, hopeful that the heralds might actually listen to her instructions, given the circumstances. “Sergeant Bulwark, relay Princess Luna’s instructions to the Office of the Royal Heralds; make it clear they come from her personally,” he ordered, neither turning to look at the guard he had named nor allowing himself a nod at the sound the earth pony he’d called on cantering off wordlessly. He had selected thirty of his most disciplined and skilled guards to serve as the escort for his sister and her friends. These were ponies who had dedicated their lives to the service of Equestria, not raw recruits that needed to be closely watched at every turn. The implication that he felt it necessary to look to ensure that any the assembled guards followed such a simple order was wasn’t simply unnecessary, it was borderline insulting.
Besides which, not looking back allowed him to keep his eyes focused on the early morning sky, scanning for any sign of the dark chariot Luna favored. Though in the end, carefully trained powers of observation once again lost out to divine senses, as Luna lifted a foreleg, pointing at a tiny spot in the distance. “There they are, sister,” she announced, still possessed of the regal bearing and tone as befit a princess, despite the foal-like excitement evident in her eyes. “Shall we greet them as they land?” she suggested, her wings already spread to carry her down to the courtyard.
The Princess of the Sun nodded, careful to suppress an amused chuckle as she unfurled her own wings. “I do have one suggestion, Luna,” she said, just as her younger sister was about to leap from the landing. “I think it would be best if we didn’t mention the… recent goings on in my chambers.” She kept her voice low and her words vague; the fewer ponies who knew about that particular experience, the better. Of course, she was acutely aware that a number of reputable news organizations, and a larger number of less reputable publications, would have the information soon regardless of her efforts, but that was no reason to make things any easier for them. “Best not give them any sense of pressure regarding those matters, yes?” Luna nodded solemnly, giving Celestia cause to smile inwardly, feeling herself gain a slightly firmer grasp of the situation as she and her sister propelled themselves over the railing with a single flap of their powerful wings.
Gliding the short distance down to the courtyard, her sister at her side, Cadence a short distance behind them, and Shining Armor and his guards descending the double staircases, Celestia spared another glance at the celebratory banners, and once again admired the look of white against lavender and appreciating the aesthetic appeal of her sun flush with Twilight’s star while she waited for the rapidly approaching chariot to arrive.
****
Twilight looked back at her friends nervously as the chariot rapidly approached its destination. Pinkie was, thankfully, asleep, or possibly comatose after coming down from the tremendous quantities of sugar she’d consumed the night before, while the others sat quietly, each lost to their own thoughts. She had spent most of the flight thinking up an ever-growing list of problems that might occur once they landed, but Glamour Poison’s presence on the small chariot hadn’t afforded her enough privacy to deal with any of those problems. At least, not without potentially embarrassing herself, her friends, or one of the princesses, depending on who the guard might talk to.
She was enormously thankful that they were landing in the castle courtyard and not one of the outlying platforms since it would, if nothing else, spare them the attention of the curious press and public that would have come from traveling through the city by hoof. She doubted that Fluttershy’s impromptu shrubbery disguise would have worked again in an urban environment, and she had no doubt that her timid friend wouldn’t handle the attention well. For that matter, she wasn’t sure she wanted that much attention on herself at present.
‘At least Rarity and Spike managed to calm Fluttershy down a bit…so that’s another problem solved. Only ninety-eight to go,’ she reflected, making a mental note to have a talk with Spike and thank him for being… relatively helpful, some of his comments aside, even going to far as to bear Fluttershy squeezing him in a crushing hug to reassure herself. Overall, he seemed to be taking the morning’s events in stride. ‘I mean, yeah, he’s not being impacted all that much, but still…’ She looked between her assistant and the focus of his affections over the past year, giving the young dragon a quick, appraising glance when he looked over at Rarity. ‘He’s either handling this situation very maturely, and needs to be commended… or he’s plotting something idiotic to sabotage things, and needs to be stopped.’ She furrowed her brow at the second half of that thought. ‘Probably needs to be stopped,’ she amended, adding his reaction to the list of problems to deal with.
With a small lurch, the chariot came to a stop above the far end of the courtyard, just past the wall which separated Canterlot Castle from the city itself. Though the gates were open and a large crowd had massed in the street, nopony seemed eager to test the string of guards keeping them at bay. As the chariot began its exceedingly slow, if smooth, vertical descent, a cheer went up from the assembled ponies, and numerous horns began to glow, cameras held aloft by varicolored auras, both commercial models and high-quality, professional versions equipped with telephoto lenses, waiting for a look at the royal fiancées. Normally, the implications of the large crowd would have unnerved Twilight, since it meant that either that the details of her letters to Celestia were less private than she had expected, or else that the crowd had been waiting for their eventual arrival without any knowledge of when that arrival would be. Neither option was particularly comforting.
To the eternal benefit of her continued sanity, a familiar shade of lavender off to the right caught her attention and her eyes, much like her mentor-turned-fiancée’s, were drawn to the newly hung banners. ‘Judging by the tone of her letters, Celestia found out about Luna’s announcements just a little before she warned me, and there’s no way she could have had those all made so quickly,’ she realized as she looked back over her shoulder, seeing that the banners extended both sides of the central boulevard.
‘How long has she been waiting for this?” she wondered, finding herself blinking back tears. ‘How long have I kept her waiting, alone, until I decided I was ready?’ Had she been alone, she would have hung her head and wept, ashamed by her own behavior, her own maddeningly impossible standards for herself. Had they been in private, she would have teleported to Celestia and thrown her forelegs around the princess’s neck, apologizing for making her wait.
But of course, nothing could be that simple. The guards were watching in the courtyard, the press from beyond the gate, and she was certain members of the nobility looked down from at least some of the windows overlooking the courtyard. She had to remain calm, remain dignified. She might not think she was ready, but she refused to embarrass herself or the princess, her princess, by giving anypony else cause to say so.
Maintaining that dignified demeanor was made no easier as she noticed Rarity was looking out over the courtyard and practically purring, her eyes fixed on the unicorn stallion waiting with the princesses for the chariot to land. “Goodness, he is quite the specimen, isn’t he?” she observed with a grin, encasing the guard’s ears in a harmless sound-filtering spell she found useful for herself when fitting a screaming foal. "Well-toned musculature and a noble bearing, but gentle eyes and a certain casual air about him. Oh my, yes. If I weren’t already engaged, I don’t think I should have minded spending some time with him. Properly chaperoned, of course.”
Applejack looked at the stallion in question, nodding after a brief pause. "Ah don't necessarily agree with you on much, Rarity, but Ah've got to admit he's a fine lookin' stallion." She nodded in both agreement and admiration. “He don’t look like he’s one of them fussy nobles, got himself born into a cushy job. And the trainin' for the royal guard is supposed to be real intensive. Bet he's got plenty of stamina, too. Probably not as much as an earth pony, but even still. Could really put that to use plowing the fields."
Rainbow Dash snorted in amusement, slapping her occasional rival on the back playfully. “So, AJ…you’re saying that you’d like him to plow your fields a little?” she teased, eliciting an unexpected, genteel titter from Rarity.
Applejack nodded wistfully, unphased by her friends’ random expressions of mirth. “More’n a little, Dash. Get another stallion out in the fields, we could expand ‘em, grow wheat, maybe sugar beets.” She nodded to herself, thinking about the increased income if the family could produce more of the ingredients for their baked goods themselves. “Ah mean, Big Mac’s no slouch, but he’s got his limits; Ah just know that a second stallion trying to plow the Apple plot would…”
She paused as she noticed that the blue pegasus had begun to stamp her hoof against the chariot’s floor, biting her lower lip to stop herself from laughing, and began to glare at Dash as she realized the source of her blue friend’s amusement before she turned away, her shoulders slumping in defeat. “Dash, Ah’m trying to be serious here. Could you please try ta remember that you’re not the only pony here, that some of us still aren’t thrilled to be involved, and that we’d appreciate it if you could keep your head out of the gutter?”
Rainbow Dash had been expecting exasperation and annoyance, but the sense of defeat she’d provoked was an honest surprise. “Uh… sorry, Applejack. I was just kidding…” She paused, unsure what else she should say, or if she should even say anything. She craned her neck, looking past her friends at the armored stallion. “Uh… he does look like he’d be good in the fields… I guess? Looks like he’s got plenty of muscle on him, if nothing else. And not that terrible to look at, either, even if he doesn’t have wings… and, you know, he’s a he.” Applejack grudgingly nodded at the pegasus’ idea of an apology, still too bothered to apologize for her own overreaction.
Twilight pinched her eyes closed, finding herself sympathizing with Applejack on an entirely new level as her stomach continued attempting to register its violent disapproval of the current conversation. “Girls, that stallion you’re ogling is Captain of the Royal Guard,” she explained to them with a deep, calming breath. When nopony reacted, she sighed. “Remember how I told you my brother is Captain of the Royal Guard?” she reminded them all, looking quickly at her assistant, making sure Spike wasn’t openly amused by her newest discomfort. He wasn’t, though it was entirely possible that had less to do with any good sense he might possess and more to do with Fluttershy’s increasingly tight hold on him as the chariot grew closer to the ground.
“Of course, Twilight. Finding out your friend’s brother is one of the pony’s charged with ensuring the safety of the entire kingdom isn’t something one simply forgets,” Rarity reassured her, taking her eyes off the stallion and turning to face her friend with a sigh. “So, I imagine he must know this fellow quite well, then? They must work rather closely to ensure things run smoothly, and all that?”
“You could say that, Rarity. You could absolutely say my brother knows that stallion very well,” Twilight replied, surprised that Rarity wasn’t aware of the rank structure of the royal guard. Most of the time, the designer seemed to know as much, if not more, about Canterlot and its customs that Twilight, who’d actually lived most of her life in the castle, surrounded by the nobility. “My brother is the Captain of the Royal Guard, Rarity,” she elaborated dryly, attributing the gap in her friend’s knowledge to the lack of glamour normally associated with the guard. “There’s only one.”
Rarity’s face briefly became an image of immense discomfort, replaced almost immediately by an attempt at a look of casual disinterest; the attempt being spoiled somewhat by a slight tremor at the corners of her mouth and her sudden inability to look directly at anypony. She had spent hours practicing in front of a mirror, trying to emulate the air of refined boredom so many members of the upper class seemed to possess, to compensate for her own natural tendency towards the dramatic. She was, she thought, making progress, in affecting the look if not maintaining it, save for her eyes. No matter what she tried, her eyes continued to betray her, prompting the purchase of a pair of dark-tinted glasses. Glasses which she had, to her intense regret, neglected to bring.
“Ah. I see,” she said simply. “So then, we were just…”
“Ogling my brother, yes,” Twilight confirmed with equal simplicity. The confirmation hung heavy in the uncomfortable silence which followed.
“In mah defense, Ah wasn’t so much oglin’ him as Ah was thinkin’ how useful he’d be on the farm,” Applejack pointed out lamely, her cheeks slightly flushed. “Though Ah am sorry about that. Believe me, Ah know it’s not exactly comfortin’ to hear that kinda talk about your brother.” She shuddered, thankful that Pinkie was still asleep, and unable to provide any examples.
“And I wasn’t ogling him, either,” Rarity insisted, almost managing to sound genuinely indignant. “I was merely admiring him as a connoisseur of physical magnificence, and… stating how pleasant it should be to spend time in his company.”
“I was sorta ogling him,” Dash admitted casually. “But it doesn’t count when I do it.”
“Just forget about it,” Twilight replied with a sigh. “Applejack, you can give me tips for suppressing unpleasant mental images later, and we’ll call it even. Right now, though, there were a few things I wanted to talk to everypony about before we landed, and I hadn’t realized Rarity knew how to bend her magic to block sound this entire time.” Her voice rose in annoyance towards the end of the sentence, and she shot an annoyed look at the other unicorn. “You can show me that later, too. But anyway, before we land…”
Given the morning they’d been having, Twilight realized immediately after they left her mouth that the simple utterance of those three words would, by cosmic demand, occur just prior to the chariot’s wheels gently touching the paving stones of the courtyard. And, sure enough, the cosmos did not disappoint as the menacing-looking, if remarkably comfortable, conveyance came to rest, its frame shuddering minutely as it did.
That tiny tremor was, apparently, enough, as Pinkie’s eyes sprang open and she seemed to transition from the curled, sleeping position she’d been occupying to hopping excitedly without actually uncurling herself or standing. “Oh, goodie, we’re here,” she noted cheerfully, her mind apparently shifting from sleep to waking just as swiftly as her body. “Kind of boring that they brought us right to the castle, though. We could have had an awesome parade, lots of confetti and singing, maybe even some fireworks!” She crossed her eyes, muzzle scrunched up in thought as she stroked her chin, still bouncing on her three free hooves. “Oh well, plenty of time for that later.”
Twilight considered her options quickly, noticing peripherally that the royal party had begun to slowly approach the chariot, given her precious little time to try to preempt any of the plentiful potential problems she’d predicted during the flight. “Sorry, everypony, but there’s not really time to do this… gently,” she said, hopefully loud enough that the others would hear while still enough that her voice wouldn’t carry to the princesses. “While we’re with the princesses, just… try to stay calm, smile, and remember what we’re going to be dealing with. And remember, nopony is going to be in a position to deny any requests we might have, so…keep that in mind.”
She looked meaningfully at Fluttershy, who was still squeezing Spike close to her chest. “If things get to be too much, or you just want some time alone, just say so, and everypony will either leave you alone, or somepony else will make them leave you alone.” The pegasus nodded timidly, though she did at least loosen her hold on the baby dragon. As satisfied as she could be, Twilight nodded back. “Just don’t abuse it, okay? Keep the requests reasonable.”
She hadn’t intended to step out of the chariot until she’d received some indication that her friends understood her and, after a fashion, she didn’t. Instead, she simply found herself pulled through the air without stepping from the dark metal construct, supported by a crystalline blue aura. She was also upside-down and, relative her momentum, backwards, but somehow that seemed like less of a problem when she was being pulled through the air like a doll, all while an unknown number of ponies watched. Certainly not the grand, dignified entrance she’d always envisioned when she presented herself to Celestia as her betrothed, instead of her student. ‘Then again, nothing else has been going like I’d always planned when I thought about this day. Why should things change now?’ she thought ruefully. ‘At least Luna seems to be feeling playful. That has to be a good sign.’
Her third aerial journey of the morning was brief, and she found herself being flipped about to face the pony who’d plucked her from the chariot. But instead of the cyan she’d expected, Twilight found herself looking into a pair of dark purple eyes perched above a very wide smile.
“Good morning, ladybug,” Cadence said happily. From off to the side Twilight heard the very familiar sound of her mentor trying not to laugh, joined by the rather less familiar sound of Princess Luna making no such effort.
****
Shining Armor looked up at the bat-winged pegasi pulling the chariot, slightly annoyed that they were taking so long to perform such a simple task as a landing. True, a certain degree of caution was to be commended when the passengers were national heroes who were recently engaged to the Royal Sisters you were sworn to serve, but this was pushing it. “It’s a perfectly flat surface, in the royal castle, surrounded by the finest soldiers the guard has to offer, and watched over by three of the most powerful beings in the world,” he muttered to himself. “They couldn’t crash it at this point if they were actively trying.”
“Calm yourself, Captain. Given all that attention, can you truly fault them for being nervous, and thus overly cautious?” Celestia admonished playfully, smiling to herself as his face assumed the dour expression that the guards all seemed to think made them look stern and impressive. Unbeknownst to her loyal protectors, Celestia found it nearly indistinguishable from the expression she’d seen regularly a few centuries before, when the nobility had decided the new fashion would be to have raw, peeled ginger kept someplace ginger had absolutely no business being kept.
Granted, she’d never seen one of the guards collapse to the ground, weeping and cursing whoever had discovered ginger, but otherwise it was very similar.
“I don’t know, I tend to agree with Shin… I mean, Captain Armor,” Cadence offered, unable to keep a slight grin from her face, despite her best effort to remain solemn and dignified. “We’ve got quite a bit of planning to do for the big day. One wedding is hard enough, but we’ve got… somewhere between two and seven.” She squinted pensively at the thought, lips puckered as she contemplated the possibilities. “Really, that should be the first thing we decide. Is Luna marrying all six of them in one go, or individual pronouncements, and is Twilight marrying you both individually or together?” Her grin returned as she began to work at the logistics.
Celestia merely shook her head, leaving her niece to her thoughts. It was, on reflection, a bit like one of the logic puzzles she had posed to Twilight as a filly, just instead of trying to fill a four gallon jug using only a three and a five gallon measure, they were arranging entirely too many weddings in the most sensible fashion. Upon further reflection, that comparison wasn’t a particularly good one, but Celestia was too distracted remembering how her young student had scrunched her face up so adorably when she was solving those puzzles to care.
Her attention was drawn back from her reminiscence by a gentle tap on her right foreleg. “What do you expect has riled dear Twilight so, sister?” Luna asked, her voice gentle and relaxed, gesturing towards the chariot with her head. Celestia followed her sister’s gaze, noticing that her student did seem rather put upon. “Fair Applejack, Rainbow Dash, and Rarity were looking rather intently at her brother the captain, and now she appears cross with them, while they look… well, two of them seem quite distressed.” The Princess of the Night’s wings twitched nervously as she cast a wary glance at the captain herself. “Think you that they perceive something we do not, Celestia?”
The princess of the sun shook her head , recognizing her student’s current mood. “Based on past experiences, sister, our dear Twilight’s friends, though aware that she had a brother, likely assumed he was similar to the rest of his family, and envisioned him as a slight stallion, focused on knowledge and magic, rather than a paragon of physical strength who, I am assured, is possessed of ‘rugged good-looks’ and ‘seethes with masculinity.’” She allowed herself another subtle smile as the captain leaned forward and looked at his marefriend, whose face was significantly pinker than was normal.
“It certainly wouldn’t be the first time that assumption left her and a mare she was close to in a… less than comfortable situation, would it, Cadence?” Celestia continued, relaxing as she playfully needled her niece. True, it might not have been the nicest thing she could have done, but it was her right as both princess and aunt to embarrass her niece when the situation was appropriate.
“Princess, could we not talk about that, please?” Shining asked, wincing slightly at the memory. “Thinking about it is… a little painful, honestly.” He frowned, looking away from Cadence.
“I said I was sorry!” Cadence protested. “A colt I’d never met before was walking away with the filly I was watching, promising her candy and fun! It seemed like a good idea at the time!”
“You have the strength of an earth pony,” he replied quietly, his eyes unfocused. “You don’t kick a stallion there unless you’re sure.”
“I more than made it up to you later!” she countered, her cheeks turning a brilliant shade of red as she realized what she’d just said.
“I believe that is all that needs to be said regarding that incident at present time,” Luna interrupted, her tone leaving no doubt that she wasn’t making a suggestion. “Contextually, then, you suspect, sister, fair Applejack and Rarity were admiring the good captain in a less than pure sense, the implications of which distressed our dear Twilight?” Celestia nodded. “So it seems likely that those two, at least, prefer stallions?”
“That seems the kind of thing you’ll have to ask them, Luna. Later, and in private; it can be a… complicated issue,” Celestia replied hurriedly, grateful that the bat-winged pegasi had finally landed with the chariot, sparing her having to provide a more detailed explanation. “First, though, it seems we should go and greet our guests.”
She took a step forward, beginning to slowly walk towards the chariot, her sister, niece, and captain a fraction of a second behind her. ‘Alright, just have to stay focused, and not let Cadence’s magic influence me to do anything regrettable,’ she thought to herself, doing her best to take a deep, steadying breath without anypony realizing she was taking a deep, steadying breath. ‘Just keep thinking back to when she was a filly, pure and innocent and earnest, and forget that, given her past actions, you could almost certainly ask her to do literally anything to satisfy you, and she’d happily comply.’
Unsurprisingly, that line of thought did little to help the Princess of the Sun’s concentration. ‘Failing that, if Cadence can’t control her magic, I can exile her to the frozen north for a few weeks. There’s nopony up there outside of the train depot for her to play merry hob with, and it’ll keep her away from the rest of us until this is all sorted out.’
“Sister, are we certain nothing is wrong?” Luna asked when the quartet had covered about a third of the distance between their starting position and the chariot. “Twilight still seems to be speaking quite intently, and the others seem to not be overly interested in Captain Armor at present.
“She’s probably just nervous, Princess,” Shining suggested reassuringly, listening to the synchronized hoofsteps behind them. He couldn’t explain it, but the sound of guards marching in unison always had a calming effect on him. “Lecturing helps her relax, even when it doesn’t necessarily make sense,” he elaborated, smiling as he thought back to a particularly memorable incident. “I remember one time, she was nervous about going to the doctor for a few shots, so she gave her Smarty Pants doll an hour-long lecture on the migratory patterns of fruit bats to calm herself down ahead of time.”
“But… fruit bats are non-migratory,” the princess pointed out, quite familiar with the subject since bats were, after all, generally creatures of the night, and thus part of her domain.
“Oh, I know. But she scheduled the lecture before she read up on the topic, and was too stubborn to change the subject afterwards.” His mouth split lop-sided grin. “It was hilarious to watch, really; just little Twiley complaining for an hour about how the bats didn’t migrate. She handed out a little booklet she’d made, in crayon, titled ‘Fruit Bats: Laziest of All Bats,’ she had a little illustration she drew of a bat just hanging from a tree with a ‘Lazy Bat’ caption…” He sighed wistfully as he recalled the scene, reasonably sure his mother had saved the booklet. “She was a crazy little filly. Still is, in a lot of ways. And I mean that in the nicest possible sense, of course.” He tilted his head, considering some of the contingency plans he had tucked away in his office. “For the most part.”
Cadence shook her head, a playful smile gracing her lips. “While I can’t speak for my dear aunts, Captain,” she began, a teasing lilt to her voice as she turned her muzzle up haughtily, “I, for one, don’t wish to wait an hour for your dear sister’s nerves to settle.” She glanced up and to her left, eyes gleaming mischievously as she looked at the elder princesses. “I used to have a trick for dealing with her when she was nervous; want me to give that a try?”
Celestia nodded slowly, reasonably certain she knew what ‘trick’ her niece had in mind. For good or ill, she’d found the ingrained response useful when Twilight had proven intractable during her studies. ‘Besides,’ she reasoned, ‘the less seriously everypony takes this, the easier it will be to derail it.’ For her part, Luna responded with a single stately bob of her head, lacking her sister’s inking of what was to come.
Shining Armor, lacking any doubt at what his marefriend was planning, altered his gait slightly, bearing him slightly further to the left of the group, hopefully beyond the initial range of his sister’s ire.
With a fillyish giggle, Cadence enveloped Twilight in her aura and unceremoniously snatched her from the chariot, pulling her towards the royal group without bothering to turn her towards them. The entire trip took barely two seconds, and Twilight was spun, upside down, to face her former foalsitter, who was smiling widely.
“Good morning, ladybug,” Cadence said happily, as Celestia choked back a laugh at Twilight’s shocked expression, and Luna began to chortle merrily at the sight. “Have you forgotten everything I told you about how rude it is to keep a princess waiting when she wants to see you?” she teased as the younger pony’s mouth worked independently of her brain, producing nothing so much as a series of incoherent gasps.
“Well done, young niece. I commend you for your directness,” Luna offered, laughing as she did. “Though I do find myself wondering, was it was strictly necessary for our affianced to be upside down while you carried her to us?”
“Oh, yes, Princess Luna, absolutely necessary,” she responded gravely. “Twilight kept three princesses waiting, which is triply rude; even more so when she’s going to be marrying two of those princesses. And the punishment for rude little fillies who keep princesses waiting is that they get levitated upside down.” She nodded to herself, still smiling. “I think we even wrote that down somewhere.
“Her logic is unassailable, sister, as is her memory,” Celestia agreed, nodding sagely as Twilight continued to sputter. “That being said, Cadence, I think it best to set her down. We’ve much to speak about, and her current, inverted state seems to have rendered that impossible. Besides..." She paused and gestured at the five ponies nervously approaching them, accompanied now by a trio of guards who had screwed their eyes shut, a preemptive gesture in the event the inverted mare’s tail shifted inopportunely, “I believe you’re worrying our other guests. And our guards.” She glanced to her left, where her captain was standing, eyeing his sister the same way one might consider a lit fuse. “And your coltfriend.”
With a chuckle, Cadence gently lowered Twilight to the ground, taking the time to reorient her so that she landed softly on her hooves. She steadied herself, staring at the stones beneath her hooves as she waited for the world to stop shifting uncomfortably. Hearing several sets of hoofsteps coming up behind her, she straightened, looking up into Cadences eyes with a stern frown. “I still don’t think it was necessary for you to actually issue a full royal decree giving you permission to carry me around like a doll, Princess Cadence,” she announced stiffly, fixing the mare before her with a withering gaze, which she held briefly before throwing her forelegs around her former foalsitter’s neck, nuzzling her playfully.
“You see?” Rarity announced, sounding terribly self-satisfied. “I told you she wasn’t some horrible monster you needed to rescue Twilight from.”
“Alright, Rarity, you were right, I didn’t need to fly in and kick her in the face to save Twilight,” Dash quietly admitted as the group came to a stop, watching the scene before her. “But I still say she could have been Twilight’s cruel governess who seemed all nice and pleasant, but was actually a sadistic monster who did unspeakable things to Twilight at night, and no one believed her when she tried to tell everypony,” she insisted, remembering the plot of a play she’d seen in certain, special theater, staged by actresses without certain reservations.
“Yes, Rainbow, it was absolutely possible, if the world operated like the plot to a cheap production enacted by even cheaper mares in a playhouse of ill-repute,” Rarity countered, her own voice low as well. “Now behave yourself, or I’ll personally drag you to productions of everything in Sound House’s oeuvre, and show you what theater should be. Hopefully it will counteract some of the nonsense you’ve subjected yourself to.”
“Well, would you have preferred the penalty was a spanking, ladybug?” Cadence asked, too focused on Twilight to pay any attention to the whispered conversation. Twilight giggled at the suggestion, while Celestia subtly channeled her magic, giving her coat a suffused glow which concealed her own blush nicely - unlike Cadence, she had heard Rainbow Dash’s suggested scenario, the imagery of which coupled with her niece’s joking suggestion and magic to leave the Princess of the Sun slightly flustered.
‘She’ll enjoy the north; there’s snow, and ice, and… well, there’s plenty to do with snow and ice,’ she reasoned, trying to distract herself from… well, herself with thoughts of Cadence frolicking happily in the icy wastes. ‘I’ll send her with some penguins from the south, let her use her magic on them, instead of me.’
Smiling, Luna noticed the slight glow emanating from her sister, and cleared her throat, drawing everypony’s attention to her. She beamed brightly as she looked out at her six saviors, most of them smiling back at her; Applejack’s smile seemed broadest of all, her lips quivering from the strain. Only Fluttershy lacked a smile, looking about nervously with Spike perched on her back. He was apparently trying to soothe her by gently stroking her mane while Rarity gently rubbed her friend’s foreleg.
Despite the shortness of their proper acquaintance, Luna had anticipated Fluttershy’s potential discomfort, a plan already in mind to put her at ease. “My friends, it gladdens me to see you again, even after such a short period away from you all. Except for you.” She paused and pointed at Rarity, who blanched impressively at the princess’s words, eyes wide in panic. “Not that it does not please me to see you again, of course. I merely mean that I’ve not seen you since the day you all bravely freed me from the darkness within,” she explained, wincing at Rarity's reaction. “It was suggested that attempting to wake you last evening would have been unwise, even for one of my station; you and my sister seem to have much in common in that regard.
“Regardless, it was pointed out to me earlier that I may have made something of a misstep, with regards to my plans.” At that, Celestia’s ears twitched slightly, hopes bolstered that Luna had realized that the unilateral proposal was a mistake. “It was pointed out to me that, in these modern times, many ponies…”
‘Oh, she listened,’ Celestia thought excitedly, mentally clapping like a filly given a bag of lollipops, ‘she listened, and now all I have to do is solve the issue with Twilight and all of this will be over and back to normal…”
“Sleep late, especially the morning after nocturnal festivities,” Luna finished her sentence, bringing her sister’s joyous train of thought grinding to a halt. “I admit, while it gladdens me to see ponies enjoying my night, I had not considered the necessary consequences of such enjoyment. Regardless, it was suggested to me that I likely deprived you of breakfast by sending my guards to retrieve you all so early, a gaffe I seek now to rectify.
“The palace chefs were instructed to prepare a grand meal for us all, that we might sit and eat as we begin our preparations. Worry not for your effects, for my guards will see them brought to the suites being readied for each of you,” she added, gesturing at the selection of fabric still piled on the chariot. “Now come, let us tarry here no longer, for there is much to accomplish in the days ahead!” Luna spun around far faster than a pony her size had any business being able to maneuver, her horn beginning to glow as she did.
Nodding to herself, the Princess of the Night enveloped Fluttershy in her magic, and pulled the nervous mare to her left side, where she draped a wing over the pegasus protectively, seeking to lessen the mare’s discomfort. “Worry not, dear Fluttershy, for no harm shall befall you while you are under my aegis,” she promised softly, lowering her voice and leaning her head down in an effort to seem warm and comforting.
Fluttershy was torn. On the one hoof, the personal protection of a princess did sound rather nice. After all, only two beings she knew of had ever openly flouted the princesses’ authority and risked their ire, and she’d ended up having to face both of them herself anyway. If Princess Luna was committed to protecting her, that could well mean she wouldn’t have to deal with being dragged off to face dragons, or cockatrices, or moderately insane photographers. This would, in her opinion, definitely be an improvement.
On the other hoof, there were two principal problems with that situation. The least pressing of those issues was that Twilight had been under the personal care of Princess Celestia for years, and hadn’t been spared facing large, potentially pony-eating dragons, among other life-threatening situations. The second, significantly larger flaw with the situation was that the particular princess offering her protection had previously tried to kill her. More than once. Yes, that had arguably been Nightmare Moon, not Princess Luna, and Fluttershy was too kind to hold a grudge regardless, but it was still a pertinent detail.
A detail which, in turn, led to the final salient thought racing through the timid mare’s mind. Specifically, it was almost certainly better to accept an offer of protection from somepony who might become an evil, world-destroying monster later on, than to reject that protection, and risk provoking her transformation into said evil, world-destroying monster yourself.
“That sounds… nice, Luna,” she said, having no difficulty speaking quietly and opting, as always, to take the path least likely to end in confrontation and potential maiming, despite her lingering discomfort at the feeling of Luna’s wing draped over her; it was a familiar gesture, usually reserved for family, close friends, and very intimate acquaintances. “But don’t feel that you have to put yourself out for me, either. I wouldn’t want to make myself a bother.”
Luna smirked, recalling her sister’s earlier recommendation, in that moment serving as a shining example of how a temporally displaced goddess with an incomplete understanding of modern idioms was far more hazardous that one with a complete lack of such knowledge. “I did not expect such bold words from such a gentle mare, dear Fluttershy” Luna teased quietly. “Let us have breakfast first, and we shall discuss what shall be ‘put out’ when, and by who, later, in private.” She winked at the now thoroughly confused pegasus. Satisfied with herself, Luna began to walk towards the castle, moving slowly so that Fluttershy could keep up despite her shorter legs.
Celestia matched her sister’s pace, reminding herself to have one of the stewards compile a list of disused buildings in the city, just as a contingency. After a few steps, she became aware of the sound of hoofsteps to her right, significantly quicker then Shining Armor’s stride would require, and closer than would have been appropriate for the Captain of the Guard. A quick glance showed what she had expected: her dear, sweet student, walking quickly to keep up, smiling up nervously at Celestia as her eyes occasionally glanced over at Luna and Fluttershy. Understanding followed quickly, and Celestia followed her sister’s example, draping her right wing over her student.
The gesture was familiar to them both. Celestia had often let Twilight rest close to her side on a winter day, the young filly shielded from the cold by her mentor’s wing. But it meant something entirely different in the current context, as did Twilight’s gentle rubbing of Celestia’s side with her cheek. ‘Then again, maybe it doesn’t,’ Celestia reflected sadly, thinking back to all the time she’d spent with her young pupil, all the affectionate nuzzles, the gentle stroking of leg with hoof. The nights that Celestia had let a small, purple filly, crying from a nightmare, sleep curled against her, mind and body both shielded by a living goddess.
‘I never tried to replace her mother, but… it was nice being motherly for a while,’ she thought, careful to maintain her outward composure. ‘How much of what I considered gestures of friendship did she take as something deeper? How can I fix this? How long can Twilight hold her breath for… wait, no! Stop that!’ She winced and turned her thoughts temporarily from her student, deciding instead to wonder how long it would take to procure a shipment of penguins to keep Cadence company.
Twilight resisted the urge to squirm beneath her mentor’s wing. ‘Just stay calm, Twilight,’ she urged herself, trying to focus on the soothing feel of her cheek against Celestia’s coat. ‘She was smiling and laughing and playful, so she’s probably not horribly disappointed in you right now. Just don’t do anything to change that, or give her a reason to reconsider the proposal, and you’ll be fine…ish. You’ll still have to deal with Luna, but that’ll be easier if you don’t make Celestia stop loving you.’
The other four mares, each of them having independently concluded that, all other issues aside, breakfast was an excellent idea, fell in behind the ruling princesses and their wing-draped friends, Shining Armor and Cadence flanking them. The captain and youngest princess had let themselves fall slightly behind out of respect.
Spike brought up the rear, his shorter legs forcing him to nearly jog to keep up with the others, grumbling unhappily at the consequences of having Fluttershy suddenly pulled out from underneath him. “She could have at least slowed me down a bit,” he muttered to himself, trying to rub the base of his sore tail without breaking stride. His failure in that regard was rather spectacular, somehow managing to entangle his tail in his legs, ending with him once again on the ground.
Clucking his tongue sympathetically, Shining Armor scooped Spike up with his magic, gently depositing the dragon on his back. “Easy there, little guy. Don’t want the princess to tie you up outside for misbehaving” he said, earning himself a playful smack on the back of the head from the dragon. The first time the two had met, years after Spike had hatched, Shining had been unaware that the dragon was sentient. Thinking Spike was simply his sister’s pet, Shining had patted him on the head, called him a good boy, and offered him a treat.
After his mane was extinguished, the erroneous assumption corrected, and apologies exchanged, the pair had become friendly. Unlike Spike’s rather complicated relationship with Twilight, the stallion and dragon had mostly remained simply friends, barring a rare occasion when Shining Armor found himself serving as the dragon’s principle male role model. He frowned melancholically, thinking how long it had been since he’d properly spoken to either Spike or Twilight, all of them so caught up in their own lives. That frown soon became an alarmed grimace as he remembered the last occasion he and his sister had really talked, and what had, or rather hadn’t, happened at the point.
Glancing nervously between his sister, still at Celestia’s side, and his marefriend, humming happily as she trotted along behind her aunts, he found himself immensely grateful for the guards he had assigned as escort, the guards who had formed a protective half-circle behind them as they mounted the double stairs leading back to the castle proper; the guard who would almost certainly be needed before the coming breakfast was concluded, to save him from his sister’s ire when she discovered what he’d forgotten to mention to her.
As she sat at the massive oak table, laden down with the kitchen staff’s interpretation of a grand breakfast, Princess Celestia found herself in the rather novel position, more than a touch dissatisfied with said staff’s choice in a particular matter.
This dissatisfaction was not, in and of itself, the unusual thing. As much as she appreciated the efforts of those ponies who dedicated their lives to her comfort, nopony was perfect, and even those with the best intentions sometimes went astray. Even then, it wasn’t precisely a common occurrence to find a staffing matter she needed to attend to personally. She had an entire branch of ponies in her service dedicated to ensuring that the other ponies in her service performed their tasks as was expected, along with another branch dedicated to ensuring the first branch did its job. After all, as much as she endeavored to seem approachable and motherly to her little ponies, there were only so many hours in a day, and far more matters requiring her attention than could be handled given that limitation. Given that her first, and only, attempt to add more hours to the day had resulted in panic in the streets and a demand from the court to end her ‘mad scheme of eternal day,’ she had decided that delegation was the better choice.
Even still, an issue would arise perhaps twice a decade which required her personal intervention. More often than not, a simple conversation was enough to correct the issue. Most ponies had the good sense not to argue when their employer told them, for instance, that she cared for neither avocados nor durians, and especially not both mixed together, and certainly not as a pie filling.
There were, of course, the rare occasions which necessitated more drastic measures. Sometime around the middle of the third century of Luna’s banishment, a particularly recalcitrant steward had endeavored to bar caffeine from the palace in the interest of ‘health concerns.’ Her initial argument, that an immortal goddess didn’t have ‘health concerns’ had proven less than effective. Unsurprisingly, a joking suggestion that a scalding vat of the decaffeinated abomination he claimed as coffee might ‘accidentally’ find itself poured into a funnel which was itself inserted into an orifice on his body in which neither funnels nor scalding liquids had any business had resolved the issue quite readily.
Or… mostly joking. The week leading to that particular conversation had been an especially stressful one for the princess, and it was possible that, in a state of sleep- and caffeine-depravation, she might have thought it wise to brandish a funnel during the conversation, and may have thought to tensely call for the threatened vat to be produced at some point. Until the event had thankfully passed out of living memory, she had insisted that she’d merely been proving her point.
That the legend of the incident had the unintended consequences of ensuring the castle larders hadn’t even come close to running out of coffee or tea in more than seven centuries was a happy coincidence.
There was, of course, one threat which she would act upon, a threat which was reserved for those select few who would stare back, unblinking, into the eyes of their princess, steadfast in their refusal to submit. It was the ultimate punishment for any member of her staff who found themselves the focus of the full ire of the Princess of the Day while still within the bounds of the law. A fate that the mere mention of could transform the proudest of ponies into a quivering mass of tears and apologies. A fate that was, to some, more cruel than exile, or perhaps even death itself.
She could just fire them.
And, having been involuntarily discharged from the service of the royal palace by Celestia herself, leave them anathema in the eyes of the upper echelons of society, effectively barred from using their talents and training in any meaningful way. There was a reason it was her last resort, and a reason she was glad she had never been forced to actually go through with it.
What was novel about her current situation, then, was not that she was unhappy with her servants. What was novel was that, for once, she was unable to do anything about it.
The first thing Celestia had noticed as she had entered the dining room was that it was that there were fewer ponies in the room than she had anticipated. Specifically, she was in the room, having entered first by virtue of her status as divine princess and, rather more significantly, elder sister, and Twilight was in the room, by virtue of the unicorn’s unspoken refusal to leave Celestia’s side. The serving staff, on the other hoof, was notably absent.
This absence was not the source of Celestia’s current displeasure. After all, it was a breakfast, and her rules regarding breakfasts were unambiguous. There was also no doubt in her mind that at least one member of the staff had appeared in the hall the moment it had been shut, and now waited amongst the guards outside in the event some aspect of the meal was found lacking.
The meal itself, as it happened, was also not the source of Celestia’s displeasure. The oak table had been piled high with an assortment of muffins and other pastries alongside serving bowls of oatmeal and several platters of fresh fruit, as well as a small bowl of jade and turquoise for Spike, with serving carts loaded with coffee, tea, and various juices had been set at each corner of the table. The coffee alone was enough to ensure her satisfaction, but the chefs had apparently decided, in their attempt to satisfy Luna’s unusual command that it be a ‘grand’ breakfast, to set each place with a stack of pancakes as tall as Celestia’s forelegs, accompanied by dishes with several different compotes and pitchers of syrup, to be added at each pony’s preference.
It was no secret that pancakes were Celestia’s favorite breakfast. They were, first and foremost, a form of cake, and therefore well loved by the solar diarch. It was a preference shared since her own youth with her younger sister, and she had ensured both her niece and student had come to share as well. It was also known among the kitchen staff that Shining Armor had a taste for them, though they were careful not to speculate why he often shared them with Princess Cadence in her chambers at an hour which would have been remarkably early for a stallion to be in a lady’s private quarters, had anypony been crass enough to remark upon it. Given that discretion was the first requirement for anypony applying for a position on the palace staff, valued even above the pony's ability to perform their duties, everypony had the good sense not to remark upon either it, or the large pitchers of various syrups which always accompanied the breakfast trays, and were invariably returned completely empty.
Regardless, the presence of pancakes was, in her current mindset, nothing short of a miracle, and enough to provide Celestia a temporary distraction from several concerns, including the fact that by that point a grey earth pony and white unicorn had been assigned a suite in the palace at Luna’s behest so that they might provide more uncomfortable lessons to the princesses as time allowed.
It was not, however, enough to distract her from the lingering sense of annoyance with whichever member of her staff had decided that, rather than reserving the ends of the table for the two princesses, it was wise to place a second setting at each end, immediately to the rights of the royal seats. The end result was that, as she began her second cup of coffee, Celestia found herself sitting with her right wing still draped gently around Twilight Sparkle, the unicorn still pressed up against her side, cuddling affectionately against Celestia in between dainty bites of syrup-soaked dough.
It wasn’t that Celestia found the sensation inherently unpleasant. Quite the contrary, the feeling of Twilight’s cheek rubbing against her side was delightful as ever, reminding the Princess of the Sun just how nice it was to be treated with something approaching normal affection. Even the small patches of matted fur, the result of syrup transferred from the corners of the affectionate mare’s mouth weren’t a particular bother to the princess.
What concerned her was that the feeling of Twilight's soft coat brushing against her side was causing Celestia to find it increasingly difficult to remember that a cessation of such affection was something she intended to pursue. Or to remember much else besides just how nice it felt.
“Celestia!” Luna not-quite shouted. The volume of her voice did nothing to mask the tinge of concern behind it as the distracted princess jumped slightly in her seat, snapped from her own musings to find several sets of eyes fixed on her. Apparently the attention from the mare at her side was having a greater effect on her than she’d initially realized, to the extent that she hadn’t even noticed that the silence that had persisted since the group left the courtyard had finally been broken. “My apologies for raising my voice, but you seemed somewhat lost in thought,” Luna continued, satisfied that she had Celestia’s attention. “Does something trouble you?”
“No, Luna, nothing troubles me,” she replied quickly; too quickly, she realized, her rush to downplay her own concern over her lapse in concentration provoking a knowing look from her sister. “I was simply a bit… distracted,” she explained, taking care to control the tempo and tone of her voice as she tilted her head down and to her right. Judging by the sudden, if slight, increase in heat against her side, Twilight had noticed the gesture, even from her awkward position, and was blushing, a sensation that quickly passed as she pulled away from Celestia’s side. “What were we talking about?” she asked gently, fighting the urge to flex her wing and restore the soft source of warmth to her side.
Luna smiled playfully, nodding at a point slightly above the elder alicorn’s head. “Nothing of particular import, sister. I was merely wondering if you might be willing to relinquish your hold on the caramel in the near future,” she repeated her earlier, unheeded request, concern replaced with unconcealed mirth as Celestia looked up, noticing that she still held a silver pitcher with her magic. Her eyes panned down, following the stream of thick brown liquid to her plate, which, at current, held a greater quantity of warm caramel than pancakes. The topping had nearly covered the fluffy discs, and was prevented from overflowing onto the table itself only by the enchantments placed on every plate in the castle to prevent accidental spills.
Celestia was beginning to wonder if Twilight had placed some form of enchantment on herself before arriving, something to make her harder to ignore, independent of any effect Cadence’s magic might be having.
Wordlessly, she brought the pitcher down to the level of her eyes, titling her head to the side, making a show of considering the caramel appraisingly, and finally nodded. “Yes,” she said thoughtfully, “that should be enough.” She smiled across the table at her sister, who shook with a suppressed chuckle. “Did you want some, Luna?”
“If any yet remains, Tia,” Luna answered cheekily, eliciting laughter from several of the others at the table and earning herself a playfully dirty look from her sister as Celestia levitated the pitcher across the table, relinquishing her hold on it at the halfway point as Luna’s own magic took hold to carry it to her own face. Looking over the lip, her smile growing into a full smirk as she tipped the upended the pitcher over her own plate, the last few drops of caramel raining down pitifully atop her food. “Well then, I suppose that butterscotch will act as a serviceable substitute,” she offered, sighing theatrically as she lifted a second pitcher with her magic and leveling a look of exaggerated exasperation at her sister as more laughter sounded from around the table.
“Other than the near-criminal underestimation of our caramel requirements, is everyone enjoying their meal?” Celestia asked, anxious that the company not lapse once more into silence, hopeful that having a conversation to focus on would help keep her mind from wandering back to certain less productive thoughts. ‘Besides,’ she thought, melancholy fighting back against the jocular atmosphere, ‘how often can I have a meal without needing to convince my little ponies they needn’t constantly grovel to Luna and I? There’s no reason not to enjoy it while I can.’ The corner of her mouth twitched up as she felt Twilight nuzzle up against her again. ‘Within reason, of course.’
****
Luna grinned happily as she tipped the full pitcher over her plate, glad both that the pall of formality had been dispelled from their breakfast by her sister’s lapse in attention, and that said lapse seemed to be proof that Celestia had moved beyond her earlier concerns, at least enough that she was able to lose herself in the pleasure of being once more in the company of her betrothed.
‘And part of the blame for their separation this past year lays ultimately at my hooves,’ she thought sadly, quickly banishing the grim thought before it could take root and spoil her own happiness. ‘Enough of that, Luna. ‘Tis a happy day, with happier days yet to come,’ she admonished herself, setting the butterscotch back on the table. ‘I must merely endeavor to ensure that the two of them are allowed as much bliss as is in my power to provide, and let that be my apology for my role in Twilight’s absence.’
Feeling a shiver against her side, Luna flexed her wing, gently pulling both it and Fluttershy closer to her body. Luna had noticed that she was trembling shortly after draping her wing over her, initially attributing it to nothing more than a slight chill in the air - autumn mornings were no more renowned for their warmth than mountain tops, and combining the two resulted in a reasonably brisk climate. Assuming that the gentle pegasus simply had a lower tolerance for the cold, Luna had pulled her in closer to her, thinking to insulate Fluttershy from the elements, and share her own warmth with the other mare.
When the shivering had failed to subside, in spite of both her efforts and the warmth within the castle’s halls, Luna had begun to wonder if it were not a physical affliction causing her friend’s discomfort, but a psychological one. She recalled how Fluttershy had reacted to her appearance the previous night. In particular, her repeated attempts to retreat back into her cottage.
She was long accustomed to being an object of fear, and the sight of ponies trembling before her was far from an unfamiliar one, even before her absence. ‘Especially before my absence,’ she corrected grimly. Neither was she unfamiliar with ponies fleeing from her. What had, and still did, strike her as odd, was Fluttershy's response to that fear. She was used ponies fleeing seeking to either distance themselves from her or, more rarely, flee towards a location they thought would be proof against her.
Fluttershy, conversely, had repeatedly attempted to hide behind a door which seemingly lacked a lock. She had also been audibly concerned that strange ponies – even foals – would be coming to her door. Cursing herself for her foolishness, Luna had shifted her wing, using it to shield Fluttershy from view of the guards following them. “I hope this is enough for the moment,” she whispered, leaning her head down so as to avoid embarrassing her timid friend. “We shall see if we can’t reach a more… satisfying solution, later.”
To her satisfaction, she had felt Fluttershy warm significantly, and the shivering at her side immediately stopped. A slight shift of her wing each time she felt Fluttershy begin to shiver again seemed to resolve the situation, leaving Luna with a temporary solution, and the guilty pleasure of being able to resolve to aid Fluttershy with her own social shortcomings as she had aided her the night before.
Not once did she realize that each time she shifted her wing the feathers at the tip brushed lightly against Fluttershy’s flank.
“Other than the near-criminal underestimation of our caramel requirements, is everyone enjoying their meal?” Celestia asked, drawing Luna from her introspection. Pleased with her own internal resolutions, the Princess of the Night looked to her left, down the side of the table at which sat four of her saviors. She was as anxious as her sister was that they were enjoying themselves, and felt a twinge of guilt that she hadn’t been paying as much attention to them as she had to Twilight and Fluttershy.
Rarity, seated to Luna’s left, nodded, looking between the two ruling princesses and flashing each a smile. “Oh, yes, Princess. Simply delightful,” she assured the royal hosts, her smile faltering when her gaze returned to her plate, and the bran muffin sitting untouched between her and her half-finished pancakes. She would have sworn it was taunting her. “Yes… delightful,” she repeated, her enthusiasm tempered by the realization that, somehow, the bran seemed to be resisting her attempt to soak it in the syrup on her plate. On further inspection, it somehow seemed to be actively repelling the liquid.
The laughter coming from her own left did little to improve her dampened mood. “Come on, Rarity; live a little,” Rainbow Dash goaded, gesturing at her own plate, loaded with decidedly higher-calorie items. “Anything that tastes this good is worth the extra effort it’ll take to burn ‘em off.”
“She’s really right, Rarity!” Pinkie agreed from next to Dash, an especially unhealthy looking item balanced on her up-turned hoof. “I mean these chocolate frosted, chocolate-chocolate chip muffins are even better than mine!” She punctuating her endorsement by swallowing the pastry in question whole.
Across the table, Cadence leaned to her left with as much subtlety as was possible among such a small group, eyes wide. “Did… did she just swallow a muffin whole?” she asked her coltfriend in a whisper, more than slightly unnerved by the sight, having attributed most of the bizarre stories surrounding the Element of Laughter to mere exaggeration.
“Apparently,” the stallion replied, trying to keep any hint of awe out of his own voice, lest his royal marefriend wonder what was so awesome about seeing a mare who could swallow a muffin whole.
“Just checking,” she said, and straightened back up, making a mental note to ask the other pink mare for tips at some point, and a second note to punish her stallion later. ‘Though he is adorable when he thinks he can hide when he’s impressed.’
Rarity, long past the point of being phased by Pinkie’s more curious behaviors, rolled her eyes at her two friends. “That high praise aside, Pinkie, I simply can’t risk it,” she explained, her gaze lingering on the fresh chocolate muffin that had appeared in her friend’s hoof, pondering precisely how bad such a thing had to be for a pony before it stopped qualifying as a muffin. “There’s little enough time already to make your gowns, and make the necessary thematic adjustments to mine, without having to worry about making sure mine still fits.” She shook her head, forcing herself to look away from what she’d concluded was, in truth, a poorly disguised dessert masquerading as breakfast.
“Not that I mind the effort, of course,” she added. “I simply have to keep my priorities in order.” She tapped her hoof to her chin thoughtfully and looked between the ruling princesses before nodding. “Actually, while I’m thinking about it, is there any possibility I might be able to see what you’ll both be wearing for the ceremony? Or the designs, at least? After breakfast, of course. I don’t mean to pull either of you away from anything pressing, I just want to make sure the designs I have in mind will mesh with whatever you’ll both be wearing.”
“I’ve nothing particular in mind, actually,” Luna replied casually, lifting a forkful of pancakes to her mouth. “I had planned to scrutinize my wardrobe later to find appropriate vestments for the occasion.” She placed the pancakes in her mouth, wondering once again if somepony had actually found a way to improve upon the taste of such a simple food over the past thousand years, or if the apparent improvement was merely because she still hadn’t reacclimated to them. She was focused so intently on the question that she failed to notice several sharp intakes of breath.
“You… don’t have a gown being prepared?” Rarity asked, her words and breathing carefully measured, a worrisome gleam in her eye as she looked at her betrothed.
Luna shook her head as she chewed and swallowed. “Nothing specifically for the occasion, no.” She took a sip of her tea, savoring the slightly bitter liquid. as she gradually become aware that Rarity was still staring at her. “Shall I gather that the current custom calls for a set of clothes made specifically for the event, then?” Rarity nodded slightly, and Luna clicked her tongue against the roof of her mouth. “I hadn’t realized, or I should have already engaged somepony in that regard.”
It was at that point that Luna noticed, out of the corner of her eye, that Rainbow Dash had begun to lean nervously away from the suddenly trembling unicorn. Flicking her eyes to the side, she saw that Pinkie Pie and Applejack were trying to subtly distance themselves from their friend, and that Twilight had retreated deeper into the protective embrace of Celestia’s wing. “Sister,” she began slowly, confused and, if she was honest with herself, slightly unnerved by the strange behavior she was observing, “perhaps you might be able to assist me in this regard, given that you’ve had more time to prepare than I – who produced your gown?”
There was a clatter of silverware against porcelain from her right, and she saw Cadence dive under the table. “Dropped my fork!” Cadence announced, an edge of panic in her voice.
“But… your fork is right…” Luna’s protest died in her throat as the utensil in question leapt from the table, surrounded by a purple glow, and flew beneath the table.
“I’ll help you look,” Shining Armor offered quickly, joining the princess beneath the table, as Celestia laid her head upon her up-turned hoof.
“No, Luna, I’m afraid I can’t,” she declared sullenly. “For a number of very good reasons which are, for a number of other very good reasons, best not discussed at the moment, I don’t have a gown prepared for the occasion, either.”
“Oh,” Luna replied simply, certain that she was missing something rather important, but unsure as to what. “Well, in that case…” Her voice trailed off, and she tapped her chin thoughtfully, still vaguely concerned by the sudden surge in strange behavior. “It strikes me as somewhat discourteous to suggest this, Rarity, considering all else that lays before you, but, given your apparent concern that our apparel coordinates, do you think it possible that you might be able to design gowns for both my sister and myself, in addi—”
“Yes!” Rarity cut the princess off with her acceptance, nearly shouting in her enthusiasm as she sprung from her seat, her eyes gleaming at the prospect. “Thank you!” She found herself throwing her forelegs around Luna’s neck in gratitude. “Thank you!” She unthinkingly pulled herself in close to Luna. “Thank you!” She impulsively pressed her face forward.
Several thoughts registered to Luna nearly simultaneously. First and foremost, of course, was that Rarity was, at present, kissing her. Not a gentle, chaste kiss, either. It was full on the lips, and the unicorn’s lips seemed to be parted slightly, invitingly. ‘Well,’ she thought, satisfied, ‘apparently that makes two of them who aren’t ‘straight,’ at least. No, wait, three,’ she corrected herself, remembering to count Twilight.
The second thought was less of a proper thought, and more an observation; despite the face obscuring most of her field of vision, she could still see enough of the other ponies at the table to tell that they were all staring at the pair in shock, while the lone dragon looked quite interested, as he popped a small emerald into his mouth, chewing slowly as he looked towards her.
The third though, arguably more of an addendum to the second, was the awareness of an anxious squeak from her right, accompanied by an almost violent shaking sensation. She shifted her wing again, only for the shaking to continue. Perplexed, she began rolling her wing gently, trying to find a position which would put Fluttershy at ease.
Fourth, she noted that Rarity smelt rather nice; a pleasing mixture of vanilla, avocado and rose, along with a few difficult to identify undertones. She curiously sniffed at the other mare, in the hopes that she might determine those other scents.
It was at that point that her thoughts were able to properly catch up to themselves, and she began to process the implications. Rarity’s thoughts seemed to be following a similar track, and her eyes sprung open in shock just as Luna’s drooped partially closed. ‘It would seem I have judged some dreams too harshly,’ Luna mused, lifting her own forelegs and draping them over the other mare’s shoulders, recalling both the nocturnal imaginings of her subjects and the waking demonstration she’d so recently seen for inspiration. ‘I should have imagined this was still an activity best kept private, but I should hate to appear rude when she is so open in her thanks.’ Her own lips parting slightly as her tongue slipped into Rarity’s mouth, enjoying the lingering taste of syrup on the other mare’s lips and tongue as she began to gently knead the trios of diamonds adorning her flanks.
‘I knew Tia was overreacting,’ she thought, her wing still flexing in a gentle circle over Fluttershy as she tongue and Rarity’s intertwined. ‘This is all going terribly well so far.’
****
‘This is all going terribly!’ Twilight concluded, peeking out hesitantly from beneath the safety of Celestia’s wing. Safety from what, of course, was another matter. ‘Of all the things for Rarity to not be exaggerating about, this is…’ She paused, her nascent panic stalling as it the potential irony of continuing that train of thought occurred to her. ‘No… no, it’s a valid statement, given the current circumstances.’ Satisfied that her reasoning was sound, she allowed her sense of dread to resume growing. ‘I’m reasonably certain that, of all the things that could have happened at breakfast, barring statistical outliers such as Discord reawakening, or the sun exploding, Rarity offering herself to Princess Luna in gratitude in front of all of us is, in fact, the worst. Possible. Thing.’
Twilight, still wary of Spike’s reaction to the entire affair, began to glance towards the dragon, her eyes instead locking onto Luna’s wing. Following it down, the swallowed hard, and corrected herself. ‘No, I was wrong – watching Luna massage Rarity’s flanks as she uses her wing to massage Fluttershy’s is, arguably, worse. Not by as great a degree as I would have thought before I saw it happening, but still worse.’
‘And to top it all off, Celestia is upset with me! Probably! And that’s before I tell her that neither I, nor two of my friends, are especially interested in marrying her sister, which, admittedly, I’m not sure how she’ll take that, but she might not like it either,’ Twilight lamented, recalling the rebuke after her part in the caramel incident in an attempt to distract herself. ‘I haven’t even been officially engaged to her for half a day yet, and she already thinks I’m… too clingy, or something! Unless… oh, no.’ Her eyes bulged as she an alternative occurred to her, any thought of Celestia’s reaction to her revelation of nuptial reluctance driven from her mind by the possibility, suddenly beyond grateful for the partial concealment. ‘Unless she wasn’t upset that I was being too physical…’
Hesitantly, eyes still fixed on the scene at the other end of the table, began to consider the alternate interpretation of Celestia’s earlier declaration of distraction. ‘Maybe… maybe she was distracted because I wasn’t being physical enough?’ she wondered, her ears twitching in an alternating rhythm. ‘With how long I’ve kept her waiting, could she have been thinking about just… taking me, right on the table? And the caramel… oh, oh no.’ She shivered, not entirely out of discomfort, at the conclusion she’d just reached. ‘Princess Celestia wants to cover me in caramel, throw me on the table, and take my virginity in front of everypony, right now.’ Her pupils shrank as that first realization was followed by another, equally worrisome one – she wasn’t entirely opposed to that particular scenario.
Twilight’s life hadn’t been what most ponies would consider normal for a very, very long time; it seemed a given that turning one’s parents into potted plants before entering kindergarten resulted in an immediate forfeiture of any claim to a normal life. For the most part, she hadn’t been particularly bothered by the course her life had taken. ‘Normal’ ponies didn’t get to be the personal student of the immortal ruler of Equestria, they didn’t have a dragon as an assistant, and they weren’t destined to find a group of amazing friends with whom they were capable of defeating ancient evils of unspeakable power. So all in all, things had turned out fairly well for her, as far as she was concerned.
The world seemed to demand balance, however, and balance it had had. For, as extraordinarily wonderful as Twilight’s life had been for the most part, there had been one aspect of it which had acted as the curse to balance her many, many blessings.
Puberty had been miserable.
Granted, she had been partially prepared for that. She’d been aware of puberty well in advance of her own experience with it, and had read enough about it to be aware of the baseline misery she could expect. The promised social awkwardness hadn’t been of particular concern to her as she was already so uncomfortable in social situations that she didn’t anticipate any increase having a noticeable impact on her. The physical changes had been marginally more worrisome, but having no means to avoid it, she hadn’t dwelt on it. It seemed that it would be one of the inconveniences she had come to tolerate, though a rather unpleasant one. Somewhere on the level of the lack of waterproofed books when she needed to take a shower: frustrating, but transient.
Celestia’s promise to marry her had increased her frustration considerably.
Twilight had loved the princess since before she’d been accepted as her student. It was an innocent, foalish devotion at first, and through a combination of time and proximity it grown into a rather severe crush. She had never truly imagined anything would come of it, but she’d allowed herself to enjoy it, to enjoy the certainly untenable dreams of a life with her princess. More to the point, she’d enjoyed the prepubescent dreams of a chaste life together, since for all her research into the physical and psychological effects of puberty, she’d yet to realize that sleeping with somepony wasn’t a literal description of the activity the phrase described.
By the time she had developed enough to both discover her error and wish to act upon that discovery, she’d had the misfortune to make another discovery: Celestia, while exempt from most of the rules governing her subjects, yet had certain laws that did apply to her. Of particular note to her loving student, the Princess of the Sun was not able to circumvent the age of consent, which presented an unpleasant paradox for the young Twilight. Specifically, she found that she certainly didn’t want to cause any trouble for Celestia, and yet, as she passed the threshold from child to physical adult, she found herself simultaneously wanting to cause quite a bit of trouble with Celestia. So very many kinds of trouble she wanted to cause with her.
In an unfortunate coincidence, Spike had by that point reached the age where dragons apparently began to devotedly follow their mothers, or at least quasi-maternal stand-ins, everywhere, to the extent that he had spent most nights curled up against Twilight’s stomach, despite all efforts on her part to secure some privacy for herself. Even when she finally broke him of that habit, he’d still refused to leave the room and thereby leave Twilight alone with her decidedly unchaste dreams and desires.
In that particular regard, the past decade of her life had been exceedingly frustrating.
She had, with considerable practice, worked through that frustration, channeling her energy more forcefully into her studies, scheduling out her life to such an extent that she had little time to for her baser fantasies. As time had gone by, the adolescent desires had cooled. By the time she’d reached her majority, she’d only been slightly disappointed when Celestia hadn’t invited her to share the royal bed, wistfully attributing it as gesture of respect, a sign that the princess valued Twilight on a much deeper level than mere physical concerns.
But now, with Celestia’s wing draped lovingly around her and images of herself drenched in dessert topping writhing through her head, she felt her hold on those suppressed desires begin to break down. ‘Okay… okay, say that was what she wanted,’ she thought, biting her lip. ‘We’re engaged now. Officially engaged. It was in the papers. Engaged ponies do that kind of thing, right? I mean, maybe not with the caramel, and probably not with an audience, but an engaged couple sharing an intimate experience isn’t anything most ponies would even think twice about.’ Her eyes were drawn to Celestia’s cutie mark, a nervous smile unconsciously forming on her lips. ‘So… what if she’s holding back because she doesn’t want to rush me? Should I give her a sign that I’m willing to go beyond just nuzzling her?’ Slowly, she lifted her left forehoof, shifting herself against the pillow. ‘Nothing too extreme,’ she assured herself, the hoof creeping forward until it hovered just above the sun mark. ‘I’m not going to throw myself at her. Just a touch. Maybe a little rub. Light pressure, circular motion, counter-clockwise. Enough to let her know that I’m not going to make her wait for the wedding night if she doesn’t want to.’ She took a deep breath, ready to close that last small gap.
A loud, panting gasp from the far end of the table forced her from her torrid imagining barely holding back a pained whine as her gaze shifted away from Celestia’s flank, her hoof slammed down on the pillow. ‘So close. So, so close,’ she mentally groused as she glared at the source of the disruptive sound.
****
‘Oh, my… she’s getting rather close, isn’t she?’ Rarity thought with no small concern as Luna’s hooves began to slide further back along her flanks.
In retrospect, kissing Luna as a way of showing her thanks may not have been one of Rarity’s more reasonable plans. Of course, in retrospect, she wasn’t entirely sure to what degree it truly counted as a ‘plan,’ in the sense that there hadn’t been an abundance of thought involved. She remembered Luna’s offer to design the royal wedding gowns, and remembered her acceptance of said offer. That was something she was unlikely to forget, given that it was one thing to design gowns that would be worn in a royal wedding, and quite another to design gowns worn by the Princesses themselves at their wedding.
And she remembered the kiss itself, though that was rather helped by the simple fact that it was still on-going. It was rather hard to forget something like that. ‘And frankly, Luna is a wonderful kisser,’ she acknowledged, despite her growing concern; she was finding it more than a touch difficult to keep from embarrassing herself. ‘Or at least, to keep from embarrassing myself as a poor kisser, I suppose. In other regards, I’m rather sure I’m past the point of embarrassment.’
It was the period linking the two events that was a bit hazy. It seemed to her that she’d gone directly from her seat at the table, to her legs draped around Luna’s neck and the alicorn’s tongue wrapped around her own. As gestures of thanks went, it was admittedly a fairly grand one. As gestures of thanks went, it was also admittedly a fairly unreasonable one.
Regardless, neither the kiss proper, nor the path to it, was what was currently fueling Rarity’s bout of panic. Kissing was something she could handle. There was nothing particularly worrisome about a kiss, even a rather passionate one, even in public. The circles Luna’s hooves were tracing against her flanks were another matter, especially since those circles were gradually leaving the flanks, heading someplace she’d rather not put on display over breakfast with her friends. Or not that particular breakfast, in any case. Upon considering the arrangement the six of them were soon going to be a part of, and Luna’s apparent lack of concern, it seemed unwise to discount it at some point in the future.
Her consideration of future affairs was cut short as one of Luna’s hooves slipped between their bodies, rubbing at the soft white fur of her stomach as it continued its slow descent, while the other brushed against the base of her tail and began to push up, starting to shift the curtain of concealing purple hair out of the way.
‘No, that’s quite enough,’ she finally decided. ‘Kissing is fine, flank rubbing is manageable, but I’m just going to have to draw the line here; fondling is most assuredly not on the table. In either sense of the phrase,’ She pulled her head back, her thoughts snapping back into focus as she released her grip on Luna’s neck and fell backwards, gasping for air as she did. She lay on her back, carefully flicking her tail to conceal what needed concealing, savoring the fresh oxygen, only then realizing that she’d been holding her breath throughout the kiss.
“You’re quite welcome,” Luna replied, leaning slightly so that she could look down into Rarity’s eyes, a large smile on her face.
‘Well, really now. Just because your technique was admittedly superb is no reason to bra… oh, that was probably in response to my gratitude about the gowns, isn’t it?’ Rarity thought, hoping that she hadn’t frowned in the brief span before she’d realized the princess wasn’t being narcissistic. “I… yes, thank you, truly.” She could feel her cheeks burning as she rolled to her hooves and carefully stood.
Nervously, she glanced around the table, worried at the possible reactions of the others at the table. Dash and Pinkie both seemed impressed, and, in Dash’s case, perhaps a bit jealous; presumably over Rarity having kissed Luna before the pegasus had had an opportunity. Applejack was obviously uncomfortable, though since she’d seemed uncomfortable the entire morning, and didn’t look any more uncomfortable now than she had a few moments earlier, Rarity didn’t think her actions had played a particular part in it. Twilight…
‘I’m not entirely sure I’ve ever seen Twilight look quite so angry, actually,’ she realized with a start; she could swear she saw smoke curling from the other unicorn’s horn. ‘I mean, I realize that wasn’t the most couth action, but that’s hardly a reason to get quite so upset over it. I did make it perfectly clear earlier that I was in favor of the marriages.’ She sighed inwardly. ‘I’ll have to talk to her later, in private.’
Looking up from Twilight, Rarity saw that Princess Celestia was, while not smiling, not visibly upset, either, and relaxed significantly. She’d been more than slightly concerned that the elder alicorn might not take kindly to seeing her younger sister behave in such a situation. True, she wasn’t privy to the particulars of their relationship, but she knew she wouldn’t have appreciated seeing Sweetie Belle being quite so enthusiastic with somepony she barely knew, and had worried Celestia might have taken out said displeasure on the pony who had initiated said situation, fabled benevolence notwithstanding.
Panning her vision further, she saw Twilight’s brother and Princess Cadence just climbing out from underneath the table, each of them casting a nervous glance towards Celestia as they sat back down. ‘Curious,’ she thought, not entirely sure what to make of the odd behavior. Another bit of odd behavior, conversely, she knew exactly what to make of, when she noticed that their hooves had lingered together just an instant longer than was strictly appropriate for a Captain of the Guard and a princess, along with the smiles on each of their faces. ‘My, my. It looks like Twilight’s been keeping secrets. Naughty girl, not mentioning that she isn’t the only one in her family with a royal romance.’ She allowed herself a sly smirk as she tucked the bit of information away for later.
That left only Fluttershy and Spike, both of whom were obscured by Luna. Still, she was certain that Fluttershy would be beet red and trembling in a mixture of embarrassment and fear. She really would have to do something to make it up to the poor dear for exposing her to that in such close proximity.
And Spike, given his poorly hidden feelings for her, was likely either heartbroken at seeing her kissing Luna, or, if his mind was in a less noble state and taking after several stallion she’d seen around Ponyville, was aroused at the sight of two mares gripped by passion. The former, she would deal with later, in private, to avoid making the poor dear any more uncomfortable than she had to. Either way, actually, she’d need to deal with that issue at some point. The latter, well, Twilight would have to handle that particular kettle of fish. There was no conversation she could foresee on that subject that didn’t end with both of them uncomfortable and sweaty.
“Were you not finished, Rarity?” Luna asked, and Rarity realized she’d been standing silently, looking around the table for several seconds, worried that Luna might have gotten the wrong impression.
“Oh… oh, no, I’m quite alright, thank you. I certainly enjoyed it, but…” She paused, finally noticing that Luna’s leg was raised, her hoof pointing at the unicorn’s forgotten plate. ‘You know, I normally have a better eye for detail than this,’ she mused, a tad annoyed. ‘I’ll just have to watch myself while I’m working on the gowns.’ She shook her head, fixing a smile to her face. “But, as I was saying earlier, I’ve so much to do on the gowns to make sure we all look our best, and now two more added on. Which I do gladly, of course.” She smiled wider, lest Luna, in an unwanted gesture of kindness retracted her earlier offer. “In fact, if you’ll forgive me, I should actually go get started on them…” She looked at Luna, who nodded, then turned to Celestia, who nodded as well.
“Raspy is in charge of your detail, miss,” Shining Armor spoke up, straightening in his seat as he did. “Just let her know what you need, and she’ll arrange it for you.”
“I’m sorry…‘Raspy,’ did you say?”
The stallion nodded. “It… I’m sorry, but it’s really hers to explain, miss. She knows you by sight, so don’t worry about that, and all you’ll need to do is ask her, and she’ll arrange for anything you might need.”
“I’m certain she shall,” she agreed magnanimously, trusting that the captain knew his guards well enough to trust his assessment. “Your Majesties.” She curtsied to each of the princesses in turn. “If you could send for me, when you’ve a moment, I’ll of course have to take your measurements. Or drop in… wherever it is ‘Raspy’ finds for me to work, at your discretion, of course. Whichever is more convenient for you.” She smiled at each of her friends. “Now, if you’ll all excuse me.” She trotted to the door quickly , anxious to get started on what was certain to be the defining project of her career. She just hoped that the strangely named guard who’d been assigned to her was as good as Shining Armor seemed to think. Given the addition of two additional, significantly larger gowns, she was no longer quite so certain she’d brought enough material with her, and the mare might well have her work cut out for her.
‘First, though, I’m going to need some water,’ Rarity thought as her magic enveloped the door handle, pulling it open wide enough for her to step through, the corners of her mouth turned up slyly. ‘Pleasant as it is, I’m distracted enough without having to worry about the lingering taste of… butterscotch.’
****
“Not to seem rude, Auntie Luna, everypony, but would you all mind if I excused myself, too?” Cadence asked as the door was pulled shut. “I didn’t know you had breakfast planned, so I had the kitchens send something up earlier, and there’s a lot of work to be done." She looked apologetically at Luna. “The food, and the decorating, and the entertainment, and the… ‘other’ entertainment.” She coughed meaningfully, turning to face her elder aunt.
‘Yes, Cadence, please leave. Please leave right now, and go far, far away, and take your magic and allusions to sex toys with you. Enjoy your penguins,’ Celestia thought uncomfortably; Twilight had vastly underestimated how warm her hoof was, and the Princess of the Sun was distinctly aware of how close it had been to her flank. It had taken more of an effort than she wanted to consider to keep from shifting herself up against that hoof before it was so swiftly removed.
“Of course, Cadence,” she said, carefully controlling both her voice and her hips. “Unless you object, sister?” Luna merely shook her head and placed another forkful of pancakes in her mouth, a satisfied grin still plastered on her face. “Then by all means, Cadence,” she continued, gesturing towards the door, intently ignoring her sister’s current amusement.
“I’m coming too, then!” Pinkie declared, springing up over the table, landing behind Cadence as the youngest princess finished standing, startling her rather badly. “Showers and rehearsals and receptions and the wedding itself? Yeah, I’ve got my work cut out for me, but this is going to be the best –” Her train of thought ground to a practically audible halt. “Is this going to be a six-, seven-, or eight-way wedding, actually? Eh, not important. What is important is that it’s going to be the best however-many-way wedding ever!”
Cadence smiled nervously as she turned to face the excited mare. “Um… yes, I’m sure it will be,” she said, beginning to give even more of the stories she’d heard credence. “So… I’d certainly welcome some help, Pinkie. Do you mind if I call you Pinkie?”
Celestia raised an eyebrow, certain that Pinkie’s mane had fallen slightly when Cadence had agreed to let her help, then shook her head; far more likely the morning had left her more frazzled than she’d realized.
“I’m… helping you?” Pinkie asked with an odd hitch to her voice, an odd twitch in her eye.
Cadence, already moving past her, had missed the twitch, and seemed not to notice the hitch, either. “Well, like you said, there’s a lot to get done, and I’d certainly appreciate it, if you don’t mind.” She turned, smiling sweetly at the other pink mare. “Follow me.”
“Okie dokie,” Pinkie agreed slowly, her eyes narrowing at the back of Cadence’s head before she began to follow her, the spring in her step slightly forced.
‘Actually, that isn’t a bad excuse,’ Celestia realized, trying to ignore the pang of guilt as she did. “I just realized how late it must be getting,” she said, feigning alarm as she stood, spreading her wings so as not to jostle Twilight. “I’m sorry, Twilight, everypony, but I’m meant to be holding court right now. There must be a line of petitioners already waiting, along with all the inevitable well-wishing nobles.” She smiled sadly at her suddenly crestfallen student. “I’d love to stay, but…” Her voice trailed off, the implication clear despite the unfinished thought.
A thought which Luna, unfortunately, took it upon herself to finish. “But nothing, Tia,” she cheerfully said, the wide grin still dominating her face. “I had the forethought to order all court functions, barring those of direst emergency, postponed until further notice, that we might not be spared the bother of trivial matters in the face of something so much grander.” Her happy smile morphed into a playful grin, accompanied by an altogether mischievous wink. “Besides, it has been too long, I should think, since you spent any significant amount of time with our dear Twilight when there was not some other matter to steal away your attention from her. 'Tis past time that was remedied.”
“Oh… thank you, Luna. That was a… wonderful idea you had,” Celestia replied carefully as she sat back down, draping her wing back around the unicorn at her side. “Well then, once we’re done eating, Twilight, Spike and I will just…”
“Oh, don’t worry about Spike, Princess,” Shining Armor interjected, and Celestia immediately began to regret the certain latitude she gave her Captain in private settings. “I was actually going to ask Twiley if I could borrow him for a bit.” He turned, giving the dragon a playful wink. “One of the patrols intercepted a group of smugglers a few weeks back, and captured a load of gemstones. The quality ones are going to the treasury, but a bunch of them were too flawed to be of much value. Was thinking that Spike here might have a few ideas what we could do with some of them.”
Spike looked at the small bowl of semi-precious stones still in front of him, smirking. “Oh, I suppose I could make a sacrifice, and help out the royal guard,” he agreed, doing his best to sound like it was a great burden being asked of him. “Much as I was looking forward to spending the day with the lovebirds over there, of course, I just wouldn’t feel right, leaving those hard-working mares and stallions in the lurch like that.”
“Oh, yeah, I’m sure Twiley’s really proud of your sense of civic duty,” Shining deadpanned, shaking his head at the dragon. “Princess, permission to leave?”
‘Thank you, Captain. I’m so glad you seem to have gotten over those concerns you had earlier about helping me bed your sister,’ Celestia thought, her left ear flicking in annoyance beneath her mane. “Thank you, Captain,” she said, deciding that adding anything else, even in the guise of a joke, could only make the situation worse. “Well then, Twilight, as soon as you’re done eating…”
“Oh, I’m ready whenever you are, Pri… Celestia,” Twilight immediately responded, setting her fork on her nearly empty plate. She poked her head out from beneath Celestia’s wing to look up at the alicorn, her face flush.
“Well then, perhaps a trip to the library?” Celestia suggested, noting that she wasn’t able to keep a certain desperation out of her voice as she tried to maintain some modicum of control. “Several ancient texts on magic have been restored since you left, perhaps we could peruse them?”
Twilight bit her lip, her eyes flicking towards the other end of the table. “I was actually wondering if we could maybe go someplace private, if you don’t mind?” she asked, her voice cracking as she did. “Maybe… your chambers?”
‘Of course you were. My chambers seem to be the favored location for awkward encounters today,’ Celestia mused despite her indulgent nod. “O-of course, Twilight. Privacy. Just the two of us.” Celestia stood, and Twilight stood with her. “Luna, see to the others, would you please?” she requested, inclining her head towards Rainbow Dash and Applejack. Luna nodding, giggling like a schoolfilly, and Celestia took a breath, steeling herself for what was to come, and she and Twilight vanished.
****
‘I was beginning to think everypony’d forgotten about me. Well us, I guess, but AJ’d probably prefer everypony forget about her.’ Dash rolled her eyes as Celestia and Twilight vanished, proud of the bookworm despite her own jealousy. ‘Gotta give Rares a little credit, didn’t think she was serious when she said she would’ve let Blueblood rut her in front of everypony, but she came pretty dang close with Luna. Almost makes up for her getting the first go at her. Almost.’
Dash had a reputation, both in Cloudsdale and Ponyville, for being fast in a way that had nothing to do with flying. More than a few ponies had told Dash, rather rudely, that being quick wasn’t necessarily a good thing to apply to every aspect of her life, and her default response was to agree with them. “That’s why I don’t go for stallions,” she’d always add as soon as they started to look smug, “Seems to me mares know how to take their time.” She didn’t particularly believe it, but it had struck her as clever the first time she’d heard it, saved her from having to think up a better response, and had always effectively ended the conversation. Truth was, she’d just never been interested in stallions, but saying that just got the competitive types she hung around with trying to convince her to let them, well, convince her.
The truth was, she didn’t think of herself as overly quick when it came to sex, either. She’d known some mares that even she thought moved too fast, usually at anything with a pulse. Even she didn’t much care for those mares, and made a point of avoiding them. Ponies like that – they were quick.
‘I mean, I’m fast, yeah,’ she thought. ‘But it isn’t just about getting them into bed fast; it’s about making sure that if I want to, I get to ‘em before somepony else sneaks in. Not my fault if all that momentum carries us to a bed, or a couch, or the floor just inside her door… or the field behind the club… or that one time in the club.’
She’d tried to explain that philosophy to Twilight once, but the unicorn hadn’t even listened; she’d just started droning on about something she called ‘rationalizing,’ and Dash had tuned her out.
And yet, she’d been beaten to Luna. Twice. She couldn’t blame Fluttershy for getting close to the alicorn, or for the flank rub she’d noticed her getting. ‘I mean, come on, most the time I just want to wrap her up and keep her safe, and I’ve seen her stare down a full grown dragon. And the rest… hey, there’s no harm in thinking that Shy’s just got a nice flank. It’s a compliment, and it’d just be weird for me to act on it.’
‘But Rarity! Little Miss Prissy-Faerie-Tale-Everything-Just-Perfect… she just threw herself at Luna. Not thought, just action! That just isn’t right! And to top it off, now I’m playing catch-up. I don’t like playing catch-up!’
A nudge to her left side snapped her out of her funk. Applejack had poked her. Hard. “Ah smelt smoke, figured you musta been thinkin’ pretty hard about something,” orange mare teased, grinning playfully, though the mood didn’t completely reach her eyes. Upon seeing the pegasus’ blank expression, the grin only grew. “Luna thought she’d take Fluttershy down to the gardens, and wanted to know if either of us wanted to go with,” she explained, gesturing towards the still amused – and still gently rubbing – princess, still seated at the table.
Dash’s eyes darted around the table, noting that there were only the four of them left in the room. Spike and Twilight’s brother must have left while she was fuming. “Oh, uh… actually, yeah. Yeah, that sounds kinda cool.” She nearly flinched at the look Applejack shot her, but the Element of Honesty seemed to be in an indulgent mood, though, and let the lie go unchallenged. ‘See the gardens, maybe check out the animals, spend some time with Luna… yeah.’ She nodded at the thought. Not only would it give her a chance to make up some lost ground, but she could keep an eye on Fluttershy while she did. Considering how freaked out she’d been before she started getting an extended massage from Luna, Dash could only assume her oldest friend would be thrilled to have somepony to distract the obviously frisky princess. “What do you think, AJ?”
Applejack shook her head warily. “Ah think Ah’ll take a pass, if nopony minds.” Her grin faded as she spoke, her temporary humor at Dash’s confusion draining as reality sank back in. “No offense, princess, but Ah… as much as Ah appreciate a working plant, Ah never had much patience for tending the decorative kind.”
It was Dash’s turn to grin. Her lie might not have been especially convincing to anypony who knew her, but Applejack’s had been downright awful. ‘Forget forgetting the cloudwalking spell – that right there is the reason AJ should never get anywhere close to Las Pegasus. They’d eat her alive with a tell that bad,’ Dash thought gleefully as she watched her friend’s face mouth twisted up, her eyes rolled up to stare at the ceiling.
“As you prefer, dear Applejack,” Luna responded casually, and Dash barely stopped herself from rolling her eyes that the princess had bought it. “I’m unsure which guards the good captain assigned to you, but I’ve no doubt they’ll be capable of seeing to anything you require. Merely state your need, and they shall tend it.” An impish gleam shone in her eyes. “A privilege of your new position, and it is my hope you shall not hesitate to avail yourself of it.” She stood, taking the opportunity to stretch her wings briefly as she waited for Fluttershy to rise from her cushion. “If you’re both ready, then there seems little reason to delay…”
Dash was halfway to her hooves when a quiet voice stopped her. “Actually, Dash, I think maybe you should stay with Applejack. I mean, if you don’t mind, at least.”
She blinked, frozen halfway between sitting and standing, staring at the source of the suggestion. ‘Did… did Fluttershy just ask to be left alone with Luna?’ she asked herself. ‘I…no, that can’t be right. I mean, this is Fluttershy we’re talking about. She… that’s it. She must be worried about AJ being lonely, and she probably thinks I’m just watching out for her.’ Dash smiled, touched that Fluttershy was willing to go so far to sacrifice her own comfort just to spare her friends. “You sure, ‘Shy? I mean, sounds like there could be some awesome stuff in the gardens. All sorts of… rare royal trees and stuff.”
“And don’t worry ‘bout me, sugarcube,” Applejack added, obviously just as confused as Rainbow Dash by Fluttershy’s sudden willingness to be alone with Luna. “Ah’m sure there’s plenty for me to do ‘round the castle on my own.”
“No, really; I insist,” came the forceful, by Fluttershy’s standards, reply, a faint tinge of pink rising to her cheeks as she stood and Luna’s wing settled back over her. “I mean, unless you really wanted Rainbow to come with us, Luna?”
Luna merely smiled downed at the pony beneath her wing. “Whichever arrangement is most pleasing to the three of you is most acceptable to me.
‘O… kay. So… oh, wait, we have guards now, right. So obviously, she figures that Luna won’t do anything too extreme while the guards are with them, and…’
“Oh, and… maybe we could just have the guards Captain Armor arranged for me wait… someplace else? I don’t want them scaring any of the animals, and I’m sure you can handle anything that might happen?”
‘And Fluttershy can read minds now. That’s…’ Dash frowned. ‘Fluttershy, if you’re reading my thoughts right now, I’m sorry I complimented your flank, and could you stomp three times to let me know that’s what’s going on?’ She waited a second, then another; Fluttershy just stood there. No stamping at all. ‘Yeah, that was a stupid idea. Of course Fluttershy can’t read minds.’
“As you wish, Fluttershy. We shall send your guards to mind your quarters, as we send Twilight’s to await her emergence from my sister’s.” Luna continued to smile, oblivious to Dash’s silent attempt at conversation. “Rainbow Dash, Applejack, we shall look forward to seeing more of you both later.” The princess nodded at each of them in turn, pleased at their apparent silent agreement. “Come then, Fluttershy, and let us see if this excursion might end more fortuitously than your previous venture.” She turned slowly, allowing time for the smaller mare to match her movement, and the pair made slowly for the door, leaving the last two ponies to silently watch them go.
“AJ… not that I was watching, or anything, but…” She started once the door had clicked shut behind the couple. She shook her head, reviewing what she thought she’d just seen. “Did Fluttershy’s tail look… I mean, not raised, but… a little bit high to you?”
Applejack swallowed hard. She’d been silently praying that she’d only imagined that. “Little bit, Dash, little bit,” she agreed.
Dash nodded, confused. “Thought so. That’s…huh.”
“That about sums up my thoughts, too. Ah frankly thought I’d end up cozying up to Luna before ‘Shy did.”
Mentally, Dash considered the situation. ‘Rarity’s already kissed Luna, Fluttershy is going off to do who-knows-what with her, and I’m apparently spending at least part of the day with Applejack.’ Her head tilted to the side of its own accord. ‘I mean, I could probably go after them, but I know I’d be pretty upset if somepony did that to me.’ She sighed, and begrudgingly went with the only option available to her.
“So then, AJ… what were you doing checking out Fluttershy’s tail?” She smirked, having concluded that teasing Applejack was the best choice at the moment, and narrowly dodged the orange hoof that had been aimed at the back of her head.
