Two guys, one interdimensional transportation cube and a land of ponies. What could go wrong?
When you're traversing the multiverse, anything can happen.
After a decade of 'Versing Space, our two...well they're certainly not heroes, fall into the peaceful land of Equestria. One is a crazed manchild, with an addiction for knowledge and booze. The other, a friend with a penchant for culture and the arts. They've got three weeks before their ride is ready to go, when an old friend surfaces. Then things just go from bad to worse.
[Quite abit of swearing, if you're not into that] [My first shot at writing, first few chapter is liable to be abit iffy, but be kind! Rewind!] [THREE KILL STREAK! UAV INBOUND!: Alot of the beginning tends to skip around, I'm in the process of editing it for clarity, but there may be some (Alot...thanks brain) errors that I miss.]
It felt only 5 minutes ago you were laughing away in the tavern, recounting your adventures through the multiverse with your buddy Fenris to a throng of glassy-eyed villagers who were absolutely bowled over with your flashy armor and quick wit. Now here you are, three hours later. Surrounded by those same villagers wielding pickforks, torches and evil looks. You've got your combat knife out, Fenris is armed with this old pulse rifle and you're in an old fashioned standoff.
"What the fuck are you doing, Farle?" Fenris yells at you through the private communication radio.
"What? They said they had a book! I only snuck a tiny read of it! I didn't think they'd blow their tops over it!"
"You mean their HOLY book? The one they said only priests 'most penitent' may read?! What did you think was going to happen?"
"Hey, I haven't anything to read in nearly a year! I'm dyin' here!"
"I really wish you'd stop with the whole 'quest for knowledge by the worst means possible!' I've lost count of the amount of times you've gotten us in a sticky situation!"
"Hey! Knowledge is awesome! Better than your boring 'culture'! You wouldn't be wearing that Omnisuit if I didn't do what I do!"
"If you didn't do what you do, I wouldn't NEED TO WEAR IT!"
"Pfft!"
The outline of your HUD changes from red to green. The Hypercube has finished feeding on the energy of the multiverse and its ready to go.
"Sorry ladies!" You yell to the villagers, "Smell ya laters!"
You hit the activator. With a bang you're torn from that reality with your buddy in tow. The multiverse sings around you in a spectrum of color and light like no other. You aren't so much flying as falling through a sea of energy, where things sparkle and shine. It never gets old to travel through the 'verse in this manner. So many wonders and so many worlds to explore.
'All except one.'
'Oh thanks a bunch brain, I was having a good time'. You tell yourself.
'Dicks in for landing!'
The multiverse collapses into an exit.
Your name is Fenris and boy, you are pissed off right now. Not only did that bloody single minded fool ruin a perfectly good tavern drinking session, he's gone and forgotten to recalibrate the Hypercube. Now the both of you are 20 feet above the ground, held there by the dying gravity field of the multiverse transfer. This is not fun, this is not pleasant and you are going to kick his ass.
The gravity field disappears. Now you are falling. Fantastic. You hit the ground. Even better! You're buried up to your waist! You're getting sick and tired of being the straight man to this idiot. You're going to shoot him, take the Hypercube and...
And what? Wander the multiverse alone? The idiot is a broken toy, he can't help it, after what he thinks he did you'd probably be broken too! Plus, for all your complaining he's still your friend. He still needs someone to stop him from going further into that madness that flies around in that big head of his and goddamnit you're the guy! The bruised and buried guy, but hell, that's one of the requirements of the job. That and drinking. Oh lord the drinking.
You pull yourself from the ground, Farle's looking around, even with his helmet on you can see he is not happy about landing here.
"Ugh, ANOTHER forest world? Why can't we have another nice industrialised society. With booze. And something to read."
"You're the one who didn't recalibrate before we left, besides you know its random."
"Alright Fagris."
"Fuck you Farle."
The two men stop swapping decade old barbs for a moment and surveyed the forest around them.
"You notice how they're all off-colored? And creepy looking?" Farle said.
"Yes. This is a creepy forest, just like every other creepy ass forest world we've EVER been on! Come on, lets go find some water, reserves are low after that last jump and I don't want to start drinking recycled again."
Picking a random direction, you start off through the forest.
Eventually, you come across a small lake of the purest blue water you've ever seen. It is still wreathed in the forest, but looks absolutely beautiful. It gently shimmers in the daylight.
"Fuck me, I haven't seen water like that since...well ever!" Youexclaimed, reaching up to detach his helmet.
Fenris, being far more responsible of the two, placed a guarded hand on your shoulder.
"I think not. Check biofilters first. No more 'Hey, that alien air looks so good...oh god its methane!'"
"Always the buzzkill!"
A click of a button and a moment later: The HUD status updates. Biofilters pronounce this world's air gloriously free of any poisons or toxins. The motion sensors, however, indicate something moving closeby.
"Contact," Farle comm'ed, "15 meters ahead. You wanna do the cowardly cover while I man up?"
Fenris pulled a grey, two foot, box-like object from his thigh and hit the activation tab. It slowly unfolded into a rifle that fit snugly into both of his hands.
"Man up? You mean: Playing it safe while you endanger your ass again?" He laughs.
You chin the 'stealth run' option on your omnisuit, causing the power assist mode to quieten down considerably and pull a knife from the thighplate and gently moved towards the contact. Pulling down a leaf that blocked your path, you saw the back of a yellow creature with a pink tail, its head buried into the crevice of a tree. It had several....butterflies on its hindquarters. This has to be a pet with those tattoos,eh! I've seen stranger things in the Glitter band.
You took another step forward and snap a twig. The creature span around like a shot, looking everywhere before locking its terrified eyes on you and lets out a quiet 'eep'.
That's just fucking adorable!
"Easy girl!" you said, taking a step forward, eliciting another eep from the creature, "Easy! I'm not going to hurt you!"
Fenris butted in: "You're still on private comms, idiot, what is that anyway?"
"Some sort of pet, gunna try and calm it the down. Maybe it'll lead us to its master."
You reach up to remove your helmet, before realising you're still holding the foot long combat knife. Slowly holstering the weapon. You snap off your lid and clipped it to your belt.
"There there, little one," you whispered quietly at the creature, "I'm not going to hurt you."
The creature responded by backing away from you, trying to hide its face behind its pink fur and 'eep'ing for a third time. You take the opportunity to race forward, grab it by the midsection and bring it to your chestplate in a rapid bearhug before it could escape.
You squared your rifle away and started laughing. The creature was a yellow and pink blur atop your friend. Scrabbling to get away with all its might. It had knocked Farle off his feet and landed him, ass first, on the ground.
"Making a new friend, I see!"
"Not now!" he yelled back.
"Hush, hush!" Farle was whispering at the creature kindly, "Please! I know its abit scary but if you don't calm down you're going to hurt yourself!"
That seemed to do the trick, the creature still had pin-pricks for pupils, but it had stopped trying to tear itself out of his grasp. Farle took a moment to snap off one of his gauntlets and give the creature alittle scratch behind the ears.
"What did I tell you, Fenris? Alittle time, patience and viola!"
Fenris gave him one of his typical: 'Ugh' looks that even his helmet could not hide before announcing he was going to check the water.
"That's my buddy, Fenris" Farle said to the creature, "He's alright, you don't need to be afraid of him either."
Farle noticed that the thing was still shaking like a leaf. He didn't want to let go of it just yet, in case it ran away. So he opted to use the old fashioned calming technique. A good old stroke.
He snapped off the other gauntlet and started started running his hand down the creatures neck which seemed to lessen the shaking considerably. Then alternated by making little scratch motions down its back. Feeling two boney protrusions from its sides, which seemed to be...
"Wings? Well that's a first" he said aloud, feeling how tense the joint was between the wings and body were.
The reaction was almost immediate as he started to massage that tight little knot of muscle, its body went almost limp against his chest plate and sighed. Ahah! Victory! He thought the wings slowly began to unfurl themselves and spread slightly. Curiousity getting the better of him, he ran his fingers along the leading edge of the wing. The structure was oddly avian. A slightly firmer rub into the muscles elicited what he could only assume was the horse-equivalent of a purr. The wings slowly rose and reached full extension.
The water turned out to be curiously devoid of any impurities normally associated with an industrialised society, including radiation. Best you can figure, its just really clean water containing only naturally occuring minerals and salts.
I was right, another forest world. Farle will not be pleased.
You take a step out of the little lake and return to the tree where your friend is. You find him propped up against a tree with the creature, laying on his chest with its head resting on his shoulder. It apparently has wings, which Farle is now gently massaging. He's got that inquisitive smile on his face. You favored him with a slightly disgusted look, the creature looks like its enjoying that a bit too much. You cough.
"Water's pure." Farle looks up at you then back at the creature.
"Well good news! Have you seen our little friend here! It has WINGS!" He sounds excited.
"...Right." He's not noticed its expression.
"What?" Farle stopped his stroking, "Its got wings! A quadruped with wings!"
You hear something whisper.
"More what?" Farle says, looking at you.
"I didn't say nuthin." You reply.
Farle slowly turned to look at the head of the creature resting on his left shoulder. It returned his gaze dreamily.
"More...please?" It said to him.
Farle screamed.
The creature had remarkable speed, you have to admit, demounting Farle in a single bound before disappearing into the forest. Even the motion tracker registered it as a single long blur heading northward. Farle was screamed for a good 20 seconds in what you can only assume is blind terror. And you laughed at him. Hard.
"What. The. Fuck." he said when he finished screaming, looking at his hands in horror.
"I think it was getting off on that!"
"That's so..." Farle's face loses its horrified expression, "I have the strangest boner right now."
"You disgust me, seriously."
"What?" He tries to look innocent and fails.
"I haven't forgotten about that goddamn Spider princess, you disgusting fuck."
"What can I say?" Farle shrugged, "I've got a thing for long legs."
"It had EIGHT legs! It was TWELVE feet tall! IT WAS A FUCKING SPIDER!"
"So?"
"You're like the goddamn Captain Kirk of the multiverse, the sick fuck version."
"I aim to please, buddy!" Farle favors you with a grin.
"Lets just get out of here. That creature headed north. Lets get refilled from that pond and go."
"Don't worry! We'll find you a nice male horse!" Farle slaps you on the shoulder with a laugh.
"Fuck you Farle."
The forest seemed practically identical to every other world, long slow trudges through mud, vines and sludge. After several hours, you were almost hoping for a wolf. Or a bear. Or anything that would distract you from the near-constant recollections of Farle as he relayed just about every experience you've had together.
"So then I say, 'Hey, you know what, lets boogie!' and then an entire chapter of some Goddamn Imperial dicks shows up and tells me to 'Stop right there, criminal scum!'"
"This is the 90th time I've heard this story, Farle."
"What? Its a good one!"
"I WAS THERE!" You yell.
"And so you know why they nearly shit themselves when I started firing my pistol! They thought it was a dragon!" Farle starts to laugh, "Dragons! I nearly pissed myself!"
"Was that before or after those infernal mudcrabs?"
"After, those annoying fucks, they have sharp pincers but damn if they weren't the slowest gits I've ever..."
You've finally reached the edge of the forest. As far as you can tell, the wilderness of the forest immediately stopped at the border. Beyond that lay nothing but lush green grass and another horse-creature. It was covered in white fur, its tail purple and highly stylised. Atop its head was some sort of jeweled hat and a horn. It appeared to be having some sort of picnic.
"See that?" You say, "That's a goddamn Unicorn!"
Farle looks over at the creature, you can practically hear his brain kick it up a gear as he takes in this new creature's form.
"Perhaps there is a heirarchy?" He finally mutters, his tone contemplative, "If there are a multitude of subspecies, perhaps they share similar traits, could this one talk too?"
"Too soon to tell." You reply.
"Wings are technically superior," Farle isn't listening, "But who knows what the horn does? Perhaps a measure of dominance, like antlers, or breeding or...magic?"
He shudders at the word, you wait a moment before replying to the unasked question.
"We're in another 'verse, she can't be here."
"And yet," His voice is small and worried, "She has found us before, she may find us again."
Yes, it is possible, very possible and that's terrifying enough of a thought by itself.
"Its wearing a jewel encrusted hat and is having a tea party for one, how hostile could something like that be?"
"Hmm. Alright, hats and tea are civilised, right? Spot of tea, pip!" He has immediately switched back to his good old self. Good.
"Jolly good old chap! Best foot forward!" You chuckle.
You push out of the forest. Time to meet the locals!
You've been so busy clothing your friends, your clients, your patrons that you haven't had a chance to simply enjoy Celestia's sun in nearly a month! Is this what Rainbow feels when the sun bathes her in illumination in Cloudsdale? Truly, the pegusus ponies do not understand their blessed good fortune!
Your admiration for the sun is broken by the two creatures that walked out of the everfree forest.
Oh. By the Princess!
The first creature is taller than a pony and is covered from hoof to head in polished dark green scales. Its head is larger than a pony's and faintly egg shaped. It walks on its hindhooves. It steps proudly, like a soldier wearing full regalia at some imaginary parade. As it gets closer, you notice that it has many items attached to its scales. Some look like pockets, others look like strange boxes. Its forehooves end in strange, dull looking claws. As you look up, you notice the head seems to have the outlines of facial features. Boxy looking eyes and mouth. No nose to speak of. It carries a large dull-silver boxy tube on its back, it looks heavy, but the creature appears not to notice the weight at all.
The second creature is slightly taller than the first. Its dark green scales are scuffed and marred with dirt. The scales themselves seem marked with symbols, leering pictures and text. It is difficult to look at, it is so complex. Its head shares similar features with the other. Except there is another picture there. A yellow circle, with what appears to be two eyes and a smiling mouth.
As it follows the first creature, it's walk betrays a certain frenetic energy and speaks of impatience. You're not as afraid of these creatures as you might expect. They did not appear to be carrying weapons and they're obviously not diamond dogs. The scales they wear remind you more of Spike than anything. Perhaps they were small, unusual dragons?
Dragons with diamonds, perhaps?
The neat one raises his foreclaws slowly as he gets to within a comfortable, yet not too close distance of you. You feel a flicker of fear and stand which causes the creature to stop and hold his claws up in a placating palm forward gesture. The other creature steps to one side, then suddenly drops to one knee and bows his fearsome head to you.
"Forgive us, Queen of these lands, we intrude upon your royal rest only as visitors to your kingdom." Its voice comes from what you'd call its 'head' and belies that the creature is male.
It thinks I'm a Queen?
You give it a small smile.
"Farle, did you just call that horse a queen? Of all the stupid..." Fenris begins to say over private comms.
"Ah shut it! I'll just screw with it politely, we're newcomers in this land, they'll probably give us alot of leeway! Besides, who doesn't like being compared to Royality?"
The creature smiles at you, you rise from your knee and grin to yourself.
Fuck yea!
"And what, creature, are you?" It asks in a upper class accent.
"Me and my royal handservant/guard, Fenris." You reply, almost feeling the rage from your friend, "Are of the 'Human' race. We come seeking knowledge of new lands."
When it heard the term 'Royal handservant' it perked right up! Oh this is going to be good! What shall you be?! A king? No too flashy, a knight? No too obvious. What about a prince? YES!
"And your name?" It demands.
"I am Farle," You give it a deep and royal bow, "Prince of the 12th Dynasty, liberator of the Captial Wastelands and hero to the Spider creatures of Veritus Primus."
The horse looks massively impressed at your absolutely fake accolates. Well, you think it looks impressed, its practically salivating through its poorly held façade.
"....You're so fucking full of shit, Farle." Fenris interrupts over the comm, "I can't believe you, a prince? What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"Kiss my ass, look at this thing! Its drooling! I rock!" You reply comm.
"Well, 'Prince Farle', I am....Lady...Rarity, will you and your manservant accompany us to our friend so that we might learn together?"
"Lady Rarity, we would be most honored. Fenris, collect the Lady's possessions! We have an engagement with a friend!"
Fenris collected up her stuff, he did it with all the grace of a butler, but even with his helmet on, you can see the rage. You have to laugh, fucking with him is the only real consistant entertainment you've ever had and boy, WAS IT GOOD!
The trip to 'Lady' Rarity's friend took nearly an hour thanks to her massively overweighted piece of luggage. Whatever these horsey creatures were, they obviously had the strength and stamina of a rhino. Farle just could not stop talking to the infernal creature! Relating yet another over the top tale of the last time he met royality from another world, this time a true one, but still full of obnoxous self-congratulatory swill.
Who packs a trunk full of clothes for a picnic!
"And this is our...." The horse paused, "....COUNTRY RETREAT!"
Why is this creature yelling? Its obviously lying but WHY IS IT YELLING?!
"A fine retreat, M'lady." Farle replied with sarcasm so rich you could bank on it, the creature seemingly didn't notice it.
"We.....don't normally entertain new guests here, but fate conspires to its own ends, does it not?"
"Indeed! Although I must say fate surely has smiled on you, this is a wonderful village! Such colors and sights!" Farle replied, surveying the collection of retro, pastel buildings that had come into sight.
"My friend lives just here!" She gestures to building.
That is a house. Built into a tree. You'd call it a treehouse but that really doesn't do it justice. As you get with about ten feet, Farle holds out an arm to stop you. The creature 'Rarity' notices the gesture, then turns and looks at you both quizzically.
"Problem, Prince Farle?" she enquires.
"I believe it would be best to give your friend some space, I am quite sure the sight of two new creatures from afar would be better than risking a close-quarters surprise, M'lady."
The creature considers that a moment, then graciously nods at Farle before turning to knock on the door. It opens after a moment, revealing another purple unicorn who begins to speak.
"Rarity! What can I..." She see's you, "Errr?"
"Twilight, darling, this is Prince Farle and his handservant Fenris. They are humans, looking for..." she pauses, Farle takes that as a cue to bow.
"Knowledge, Lady Rarity, we seek knowledge in all its forms and would be more than happy to share ours in return." He says.
The purple one looks unsure for a moment, then after a moment's consideration offers a small nervous smile at you two. The white one looks at her friend with a twinkle in her eye, she seems pleased with the reaction.
"Well, if you'd like to come in to the library," Twilight says, "I'm sure we could find you some books.."
"...Library?" Farle finally squeeks out, "Did you say 'Library'?"
Oh no.
Now both of the creatures look at him in a not-insignificiant amount of fear.
"Yes?" the Purple one offers tentatively.
But Farle is no longer listening.
You are Farle and LIBRARY! LIBRARY!LIBRARY!LIBRARY!LIBRARY!LIBRARY!LIBRARY!LIBRARY!LIBRARY!LIBRARY!LIBRARY!LIBRARY!LIBRARY!LIBRARY!LIBRARY!LIBRARY!LIBRARY!LIBRARY!LIBRARY!LIBRARY!LIBRARY!LIBRARY!LIBRARY!LIBRARY!LIBRARY!LIBRARY!LIBRARY!LIBRARY!LIBRARY!LIBRARY!LIBRARY!LIBRARY!
"Lady Rarity, Miss Sparkle, please remain calm." The manservant says to you both, "This always happens when the...prince finds a library, especially so long after the last one."
You notice the taller creature, who Rarity said was called Prince Farle, has started to shake. The other creature drops the trunk he was carring. It reaches his claws up to what presumably is its master's head and begins to push and pull the scales on its neck. It starts to hiss, then with both claws he begins to pull the other creature's head off. Rarity gasps.
"Don't worry, I'm just removing his helmet so he doesn't deafen himself." It explains.
The dark green helmet is eventually detacted, revealing a fleshy head. It has two eyes that are much smaller than a pony's, a small nose and mouth. A tuffed of black fur is atop its head. Finer details are impossible to disern because the creature, inside that thing, is apparently vibrating. Then, abruptly, it stops and spins towards the other with an absolutely massive grin on its face.
"LIBRARY!" It screams with glee at him, before throwing its claws into the air, turning on its heel and running around the manservant cheering. You hear a hiss and notice that the other creature has also removed its helmet. It's face looks similar in basic construction, but instead has lighter fur on its head, its eyes are blue and it wears a tired smile on its face. It turns to face you as the mad prince starts skipping around him.
"I think you just made his day, week, month AND year, Miss Sparkle." The manservant says to you as Farle leaps at least 4 feet into the air and lands with a thud.
"My apologies, Lady Rarity and Miss Twilight. That was most unbecoming." The prince finally says.
"I...well. Yes. But it is quite alright. I, too, can get alittle overexcited." You finally say.
"Lady Rarity, you are too kind." He smiles.
"Shall we go inside?" You return his smile.
"With Miss Sparkle's permission?" He looks over at the purple unicorn.
"Oh! Yes. Sorry." Twilight finally says after a moment.
You internally cheer. A prince from a foreign land! He might not look very good, but you could surely sell him some outfits? Maybe an entire wardrobe! Oh the chance to be the talk of an entirely different land! Beaming with possibility, you reach out with your magic and lift the trunk of your belongings.
You hear a tiny whine come from the prince and turn. The manservant, Fenris, has his claw over one of the grey boxes on his right thigh. Farle's left hand grips a strange device attached to his belt.
"Is something the matter, prince?" You ask carefully.
"You... have... magic?" His voice is uncertain and streaked with fear.
"...Yes."
"I...was once a...guest of a magic user, it was not an experience I'd wish to repeat."
"Have I done something to offend you, Prince? If so, I do apologise. These first encounters are very difficult. I promise you, you have nothing to fear here. We're friendly! We'd never use our magic to harm you."
Prince Farle and his manservant eye each other for a moment, as if silently conversing. Finally, the prince nods very slightly. The manservant moves his hand away from the grey box. The smile on Farle's face returns, but lacks the warmth from before.
"I must offer another apology, Lady Rarity, for old wounds that haven't fully healed." He bows his head slightly. "Lets not ruin our first meeting with such trivial things."
Whatever had caused that little scene was clearly not trivial. The prince's smile flickers. The manservant looks concerned and uneasy. Suddenly, the idea that these two creatures might be violent flashes across your mind. What have I brought to Twilight's? A new friend or a new foe?
Twilight finally interrupts: "So where are you gentlecolts from?"
Farle's smile fades to nothing. The manservant notices this and quickly speaks.
"We're from a planet called 'Earth'."
"Earth? What is it like?" Twilight replies.
"Blue skies. Blue oceans. Towns, cities and skyscrapers. Bout 7 billion humans, far as I know." Farle shoots him a look.
"7 BILLION?" Twilight exclaims.
"Its a big planet." Fenris shrugs, "Humans have been around awhile."
"Our homeworld," Farle interjects, "Is in the past. Let us look to the brighter future. You said you have books, Miss Sparkle?"
"...Yes. Come in."
As the two humans enter the library, you can't shake the feeling of utter wrongness. Why did the prince fear magic? Why the look when his manservant started talking about their home? What are these creatures hiding?
So many books. SO MANY BOOKS! Shelves and shelves of every delicious flavor of paper bound knowledge. Its a good thing you're wearing your omnisuit or these horses would be enjoying the glorious sight of your intellectual hard-on.
"A sizable library, Miss Sparkle, I am most impressed."
"Thank you, Prince Farle." She looks bashful.
"Please, call me Farle. No need for titles here."
"Ok, Farle." She smiles, "May I ask why you reacted to badly to magic? Only I'm reading 'History Of Magick Obscura' and wondered if your kind have had dealings with it before?"
You frown. Do you really want to scar this little library horse with that particular story? Pretty sure terrifying month long torture tales are somewhere high on the list of 'Things princes don't talk about'. You don't want to think about it either, matter of fact. What's a good way to spin this? Ah!
"In another universe, we met a creature similar to your kind. It had magic and was...rather unpleasant. It found me most entertaining and strived to..."
Oh spectactular work! Look at the expression on the purple one's face: fear! Its catching on! Switch the bloody tone you ass!
"...Make our visit most uncomfortable. But such is the nature of multiverse travel." You shrug.
"What a brute!" The lady Rarity speaks up, "To be impolite to a guest! Its so uncivilised!"
"Quite. There are things out there that are most uncivilised. Unlike your horsekind, Lady Rarity."
The temperature in the room noticably dropped several degrees and the 'Lady' looks at you angrily. Jesus christ, who let the psychopath out of the bag?
"Ponykind, PRINCE. Ponykind." She practically spits at you.
Nota Bene: Don't call these ponies horses unless you want 'em pissed off.
"Our homeworld had equines known as horses. We merely made an incorrect inference. You have my apologies if it causes you offense, for I did not intend any." That seemed to placate her.
"So your world has equines?" Twilight interrupted, "Could they speak too? What about magic? Or wings?"
"Our hors...equines had none of the above. They were simple beasts that were used as labour animals or for races. Some people kept them as companions."
Of course, some people used to eat them too. And make glue out of 'em. But that's not really appropriate conversations to have with an equine species who clearly don't get out much. You notice that everyone except you is now seated on the floor, You've been too busy staring at the books to notice, so you sit with them.
"What races? You mean like a 'cross the finish line first' race?" Rarity asks.
"Precisely, Lady Rarity, only a small human rides atop to direct it. Horses from our world are not intelligent." This information brings a look of disgust to the lady's face. She clams up.
"So, Miss Sparkle," You redirect your attention, "What can you tell me about your world?"
The purple pony's horn starts to glow and a pair of reading glasses appear as if by magic on its snout. Then she starts to speak in full-on lecture mode. This creature is FILLED WITH DELICIOUS KNOWLEDGE ABOUT THIS WORLD! ITS A PONY VERSION OF A JAM FILLED DONUT! OH LET'S JUST SUCK OUT ITS BRAIN AND CONSUME IT!. Steady on! We can't eat brains. MAYBE IF WE HAD A TRAWL WE COULD... Shut the fuck up and listen, dipshit.
Eventually the day turns to night. All that you've heard blurs into a singularity of insight that blazes brightly in your mind. The name of the land, the varying races of ponies, some magical theory and bits of backstory. Bit useless without a horn, but whatever. Twilight Sparkle finishes with the royal family. Its then you notice the other white pony has left and Fenris is relaxed against a bookshelf, softly snoring to himself.
"Your Princess Celestia can raise the sun?" You finally manage to say in awe, "You have a God for a ruler?"
"Princess Celestia isn't a God!"
"Where I come from: If a being can manipulate a stellar body like your princess can, it gets called a God!"
"She isn't a God!" She finally giggles. Most societies believe that their leaders can fuck with the sun, this one actually can!
"You are probably right. What do I know?" Another Nota bene: Do not piss off this 'princess' unless you want a fusion enema.
"Oh is it really that late? I should get some sleep. If you like, you can stay here!"
"That is very kind of you, although it would appear Fenris has already embraced the idea." You gesture at him and she lets out alittle sigh.
"I didn't think I was that boring." She huffs
"Please forgive him. He's had a long day. He's not one for the practical side of life. Give him some art or some high society stuff and he'll cream his pants."
Twilight gives you a shocked look. Ah fuck, that was a poor choice of words!
"You're not really a prince, are you?" She finally says.
"....No. Not really. Sorry."
Wait, what the fuck are you doing? She might be filled with delicious knowledge, but you just told her you lied! IDIOT! Still, it'll be nice to drop this princely persona, talking like a dick was getting old.
"Then why did you tell Rarity that you were?" She doesn't seem that angry at all. Huh.
"Most first encounters tend to end badly. Pretending to be royality tends to lend an air of respectability, of style. It also means people try and impress you first, stab you second rather than the other way around. It certainly seemed to work on the Lady Rarity." And usually, people are too stupid to see through it. Atleast until you're a world away.
"I suppose that makes sense. Rarity will be disappointed, but I think she'll understand your reasoning. May I ask what the markings on your armor means?"
"Well my armor is called an 'Omnisuit', which basically means 'All-suit', for future reference. The markings are mostly equations underlying the basics of the universe, stuff I can't keep easily in my head. The smiley face on the helmet is just for a laugh."
"What is an Omnisuit anyway?"
"Didn't you say you were going to bed?"
"One last thing." She smiles sweetly, "Please?"
You shrug.
"Omnisuits are basically modified survival suits. They boost your strength, filter or recycle air for if you're in a vacuum or somewhere hostile, it can withstand most projectiles and big falls too. Alot of other basic features including a camo mode."
"Camo mode?"
Oh boy! Its been ages! You chin a control. The equations on the suit fade first, then the coloration changes from dark green to a neon pink. New markings appear, but this time they are stylised tribal tattoos around your midsection and upper arms. Twilight's reaction is priceless. Her eyes go wide and she gasps at the display.
"And that's an omnisuit." You chin another control and it returns to green.
"Amazing. Pinkie Pie would love that little display."
"Pinkie?"
"A friend of mine." You both pause.
"Well Twilight, its been a very long night." You prop yourself up against a pillar, "And I think we really need to rest."
"There is another bed in my room."
Hello nurse! Fast movers in this town! Wait, could you really have sex with a pony? Buddy, we fucked a spider. You lost your veto power when you slipped her 6 inches of 'Farle's Finest'. But its a horse, how would that even work? Ours is not to question why, ours is but to do and do. NOW LETS RIDE!
"Usually people buy me dinner before asking me to their bed, but if you want to not beat around the bush..." You grin.
"I. I... I meant there is a spare bed in there." She's blushing furiously. "You could sleep there."
Damn. No horsey-horsey with this pony.
"Of course, I was just making a joke. A big joke" Your grin gets wider and you raise an eyebrow.
"What about your friend?" She's still blushing.
"Fuck 'im," She gasps at the coarseness, "He convinced me to sleep in a sewer once. Payback is a bitch."
"...Ook then. This way." She leads you off to the bedroom.
Well that certainly went better than expected. Much better than expected. Suspiciously better than expected. Maybe this 'verse wasn't like the others. A 'verse with talking ponies who have magic. Its totally like every other one we've ever been on! Shut up brain!
"Thank you so much for bringing me here, Fenii." Sarah's melodic voice sings to you.
"You're entirely welcome, Sar." You smile.
Ah, this dream again.
You both went to the 50th annual 'Strawberry fair' ball, although you never did find out why it was called that. They'd used the largest room in the senate house, decking it out with thousands of streamers, balloons and banners. Hundreds of guests milled around, mostly upper crust but afew high flying business men too. Champagne flowed freely and there was much mingling. Then the music started.
"M'lady, my I have this dance?"
"But Fenii! I don't know how this goes, I'll look bad!"
"I've been practicing for years, Sar. In my hands, you'll look like a princess."
She agreed. Ah! Strauss! The Blue Danube Waltz. In your masterful hands, Sarah danced beautifully. She was graceful, beautiful and so full of love. You could feel everyone watching you with envious eyes as you outshone all the others on the dancefloor. Then you bowed to the polite applause at the end.
Ah. Wonderful.
The room fades. It feels like you're floating now, half way between asleep and reality. No real concerns, no real thoughts. Serene. Then your head starts to ache, your back feels knotted and your mouth is dry. You hear a voice say something far away.
"Twilight, I'm back from Canterlot!"
Whatever it is sounds young and vaguely male. A muted gasp. You've obviously been spotted. You open your eyes very slightly. Strange green things are right infront of you in a sea of white. They are eyes. You finally deduce. Way too close. Very carefully, very slowly, you start to reach for your rifle. One strike is all I need.
"What is this thing?" It whispers in awe.
You hold off on getting your rifle, its obviously not a threat, its just curious. Creepy as hell, but curious. You open your eyes fully and it jumps back in surprise with a yell. Its about two feet tall. Most of its scaly body is purple, except for the green underbelly. Its head has a green mohawk, with what appears to be scaley sideburns and a small snout. Its stubby arms end in a four digit like claws. Its body is plump and has a tail. It walks on two legs. Its obviously young and the fuckin thing looks terrified.
"Hello." You say to it, it recoils at your greeting.
"Ahh! You can talk too! What are you!?"
"I'm human. My name is Fenris. What is your name, small lizard?" It seems to be offended by that.
"I'm not a lizard. I'm a dragon! I'm Spike!" It puffs out its chest to look bigger but only succeeds in making itself look silly.
"A dragon? Aren't you abit small?" Its not even got wings.
"I'm still a baby dragon." It looks around uneasily, "Where's Twilight?"
"A good question. A better question would be: Where's Farle and Twili..."
Oh no. Please Gods, not this again.
"Who's Farle?" The dragon enquires, missing the implication.
"He's a human, like me. We travel together. Last thing before I fell asleep, him and the purple pony were talking. Well, she was talking, he was sitting there looking at her like she the most delicious candy he's ever seen. I call that his 'book face'."
"He has a book for a face?"
"Its an expression. If you want I could comm him and see where he is?"
"What's a comm and sure." You chin the 'extend aerial' button and a rapier thin piece of metal slides up out of your left pauldron.
"Well a comm is like..." Hmm. Explain futuretech to a society of magicians. "Its like magic, really, I speak here and my voice appears in his suit."
"So what's that metal for?" He points at the aerial.
"So my voice can reach him, its like a magic wand for speaking to others from afar."
The dragon seems to accept this without question. You chin the private comm for Farle.
"Time to get up, 'Prince' Farle." You add as much sarcasm as you can.
A moment later, you hear your voice echo from somewhere above and behind you. Then some hoof and foot noises. Then a moment later a rather tired looking Unicorn trots down the stairs with Farle in tow. He looks at you wearing a grin and you return it with a baleful glare.
"Twilight?" Even the little dragon is suspicious now.
"Spike!" She wraps him in a wierd sort of hug for a moment. Farle starts to make tiny hip thrusting motions while they aren't looking.
Oh god. He did. FUCKING FUCKING FUCKIN...
"Twilight?" Spike says, breaking the hug. Then alternates between looking at her and Farle.
"Oh he spent the night in my room." She blushes in realisation, "In the spare bed!" She quickly adds.
"And I had a wonderful time last night, Twilight." His eyes are filled with mischievous glee. "Thank you."
Twilight's blush deepens. Spike looks like he's going to throw up...whatever it is dragons eat. You decide you've had enough. You get up, walk over to him and punch him hard on the arm drawing gasps from the others.
"That's for being a fucking idiot." Oh Shit! he's supposed to be a prince!
"....M'lord." You look away, damage already done. Farle laughs.
"Don't worry bout that Fenris, she figured out I'm not a prince. She even understood why I lied about it. Also." He punches you on the arm in return. "I didn't do what you're thinking I did. We talked. Then we went to our little seperate beds and slept."
Farle starts eyeing up the dragon. "What's this then?"
"I'm Spike! I'm a dragon!"
"Bit small for a dragon, ain't ya?"
"BABY dragon!" You, Spike and Twilight say at the same time.
"Alright! Sheesh. Can you breathe fire?"
"Yep! I send letters to Princess Celestia that way!" Farle stares at it, disbelieving.
"You send letters. To the Princess. By burning them."
"Yep! Dragon magic!" Farle seems alot less shocked now.
"Oh! I should send Princess Celestia a note about you two!" Twilight chimes in, "Spike, take a note."
The little dragon whips off for a moment, before returning with a scroll and quill. He nods to Twilight.
"Dearest Princess Celestia, yesterday my friend Rarity met two new creatures called 'Humans'. Their names are Farle and Fenris. They come from a planet called 'Earth' and are very interested in learning more about us. Some of their habits are strange, but they seem friendly enough. Just thought you'd like to know. Signed, your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle."
Spike rolls up the scroll with some sort of ribbon and seal. Then holds it out infront of him and belches green flame. The resulting cloud of ash and remains wanders off out the window.
"Well that was wierd." Farle says, "Twilight, can I ask you a favour?"
"Anything for a new friend!" She smiles. New friend? Sheesh.
"Have you got any food? I'm starving."
"Well, I haven't had Spike here to help me shop, so all I've got is hay."
Farle looks at you for a second, then back to her.
"That's.." You can tell he's looking for a nicer way to say we can't fucking eat hay, "Not biochemically compatable with our metabolism."
"Well I guess we could go to Sugarcube corner, but Ponyville isn't used to..."
"Monsters like us?" Farle laughs at your analysis.
"I was going to say 'unusual creatures', but yes."
"Hey Spike, want a piggyback ride?" Farle says.
"What's a piggyback ride?" He replies.
"You sit on my head while we walk."
"That sounds awesome! Yes!" Farle picks him up and puts him on his neck. Spike grips his forehead.
You look at Twilight, she's holding back a laugh, So are you. She looks at you and you burst out laughing. Tears stream down both your faces and your sides hurt.
"Mission accomplished! Now lets get some grub!"
Got a problem with ponies? Apply Drag-on directly to the forehead! You laugh internally, good one brain, pity its only partially effective.
The ponies of Ponyville weren't quite running away yet, but by the look of them, they were both confused and terrified. Terrified because, well, you're a 6'5 monster wearing what might appear to be battle armor. Confused because of the supposedly well known dragon that now sits on your head. Spike gives acouple of ponies a wave and they tentatively return it. You try waving and they duck out of sight. Well that's friendly!
"Looks like the locals are spooked." Fenris says.
"I'd hoped they'd gotten over this after last time." Twilight says.
"You mean the last time two huge metal creatures stumbled into town? Forgot to mention that!" You grin.
"It was a different pony, well zebra. Atleast they're not hiding." Twilight responds, looking annoyed.
"Fenris, I am so tempted to start blasting rock music right now."
"Farle, don't. I'm not going to argue with you if you do, I'll just shoot you and be done with it." He puts his hand on his rifle to make a point and you chuckle.
"You guys are wierd." Spike says above you, "But this piggyback ride is fun!"
"Yes it is!" A higher pitched voice says. Above Spike? What?
You notice a hoof. A bright pink hoof on your pauldron, you turn your head, there is another one on your right pauldron. Looking down, you see too more resting on your belt somehow. Looking back up and are greeted with two massive blue eyes staring back at you. Impossible!
"How." You demand from those blue orbs, "How did you get on my back without me noticing? How....you're not male are you?"
"Don't bother asking that, its Pin...why does her gender matter?" Twilight replies, confused.
The eyes feel like they're boring into you now, like this is some deeply twisted creature that is weighing your soul to see if you are worthy. Those two stygian depths that cry with the tortured songs of terrible, haunting madness. Everything else on the periphery grows dark, apart from those two globes.
Am I dead? Have I died? Is this what it is like to die?
You hear something whisper from the dark abyss.
"Your mind sings of a terrible, horrible truth that will drive you mad. But I know how to save you, creature, you need only ask."
"Will you save me?" You whisper.
"Yes, creature, I will. Blink and you will be saved."
You gulp. It takes every fiber of your willpower to close your eyes in the face of that oily darkness. What terror awaits me? We have been tortured to near death before, but what new horror is this? You feel something on your back, it shifts and moves off. You almost don't want to open your eyes, knowing that whatever comes next will no doubt result in your to death.
You open your eyes expecting to die and see the pink pony. She is standing by a wagon and she is smiling gleefully. She hits a red button on it. Suddenly, the entire thing explodes with streamers, flags, horns and some baked goods. She starts to sing a song, but you're not listening.
This pony is clearly fucking mental. Nuts. LOONEY! A dark fucking introduction to some random person you just met, then a show?! Kill it before it kills us!
"Wait for it!" She says as the oven on the wagon fires out a volley of confetti all over your little group.
"Fenris." He grunts, "I have seen some shit. Then I have seen this shit. Tell me that just happened."
"It happened."
The pink pony looks up hopefully at your uncomprehending faces. You take Spike off your head, take afew steps so you're practically infront of Pinkie and go down onto one knee. You stare into its eyes with the most menacing glare you can muster and whisper to it:
"I have seen men torn apart by the limbs of a terrible, eight legged monster that consumed them while they screamed for death. I have watched while soldiers slaughtered whole families. I have been subject to a month long torture session with a shewitch from hell."
"But YOU are terrifying. What are you, abomination?" You poke her shoulder and she looks at you with large, frightened eyes.
"I'm Pinkie Pie." She mewls, "I just wanted to be friends."
Christ almighty! THAT'S ONE OF THEIR FRIENDS! ABORT! ABORT!
She looks like she's about to burst into tears. Her bubbly hair has visibly deflated. You make a point of snapping off both of your gauntlets and placing them to one side. You can practically feel the tension in the air rise as you do so. You offer your right hand and chin the camo mode control. The writing starts to fade.
"My name is Farle." You say as the coloration changes to bright pink, "And I'll be your friend."
She gasps, tears forgotten and rushes forward in an almighty bear hug. Slamming into you so hard it knocks you onto your back, you tumble for a moment before coming to rest. She's squealing into your ear like a crazy person. Or pony. You give her a stratch behind the ears with one hand while holding her lower back with the other.
I can't believe that worked. No really, what the fuck? You and me both brain.
"Alright! Enough, please." You say to the fluffy mass, "I'm starving!"
"Hmm. Can't remember. Hey Fenris, when was the last time we had cupcakes?"
"Over a decade" He replies, "Can't really remember what they taste like.
Pinkie looks displeased at this. Oh Gods, you're on my chest, don't turn killer! I like my limbs in their current configuration! Should have just threatened and walked away!
"Come. With. Me. Right. Now." She sternly says to you.
She leaps off your chest and stands there expectantly. You roll over, grab your gauntlets and stand. Fenris, Spike and Twilight stare at you like you just awoke an angry bear for a laugh.
"Lead on Pinkie!" And she starts bouncing. Literally bouncing along the road.
"So do you like to party?" She asks.
"Fuck yea!" You fist the sky.
"Good. New pony in town, so you get a party! Cakes, games, dancing and drinks!"
Then Pinkie's smile gets even bigger as you join in bounce-walking with her. Party! Whooo! Drinking! Dancing! Making outrageous claims about your adventures! Making out with ladi...ponies! Actually that last one doesn't sound so good. Who the fuck cares! PARTY HARD!
Pinkie Pie was a disturbing creature, far too like Farle for your likeness. It had danced, sang and stuffed confectionary products from the monstrousity known as 'Cupcake corner' into your maw. It was almost as if diabetes had power enough to bend reality and then decided to infect you. The patron's of the establishment had long since departed, no doubt assisted by the dual-party popping pair of Pinkie Pie and Farle.
Farle decided to consume most of the 'freely given' product of this crazy cake factory and had lapsed into a food coma. Drooling into one of the tables with soft smile. After acouple minutes he came around, looking faintly ill but still hyper as all fuck.
"I think I'm in love, Fenris." Farle whispers to you, "she says she's going to throw us a party."
"Then let us hope her Gods are merciful." You whisper in reply to a grinning Farle.
"You love Pinkie? But you've only just met!" Twilight sparkle sounds incredulous, "And what do you mean 'Hope her gods are merciful?'"
"Its just an expression, Twilight, its not actual love. Also, Farle's abit of a party animal, things tend to get crazy." You offer her.
This seems to pacify the curious purple pony, although not as much as you'd hoped. Eventually, the pink one returns and her and Farle start talking about parties. Boasts, drinking competitions and all manner of ungodly bantering. Fucking hell, I need a break from this insanity.
"I'm off." You say to no-one in particular, "Need some air, back in abit."
"Comm you later!" Farle yells after you.
You had decided to retreat into the forest, the desire to be rid of such a hyper-enhanced pony that seemingly lacked the rules of physics, math or even a Farle-level of sanity. Don't need to be too deep, they did specify this place as dangerous, just far enough away that you won't be seen. You walk for maybe ten minutes before finding a small clearing, the grass looks invitingly soft by one of the trees. Tugging the cannon off your back, you take a seat and press afew buttons on the silver box. It slides open and reveals solar panels that start sucking up photons.
Time for alittle music. You think as you pull a roll of plastic from inside the cannon, its a flexi-piano from the same place you bought the Breitenbach. Wierd shop that was, all they had was guns and pianos. Only in the Glitterband could you find that wierdness.
Ah! To play these pathetic plastic keys once more! You start with Strauss, the Waltz. The dream from the morning sending you down a trip to memory lane, the dance, the night, perfection! Ah, introspection. No. Lets not think about that now. But its too late, you're not even really thinking about playing anymore and the music sounds darker. A freeflowing new piece that sounds depressed and sorrowful.
The night Sarah, your SarSar, had left you, screaming that you were abusive, cruel, useless. You had no idea what she was talking about, you'd taken her dancing, movies, dinners, all the things a good man was supposed to do! You'd never argued or fought over anything at all! Somewhere deep down you realised she was just making things up so she'd have an excuse to leave, an excuse so she could get rid of you and find some new plaything. That rationalisation didn't make it hurt any less, but it helped as you left her house.
A week later, she called you out of the blue, crying, depressed at how things ended and wanting to get back together. Only you'd been by her house once before to drop off some of her things and heard the orgasmic screams of her and another man. A good thing I found out now, you told yourself over and over. Telling her to fuck off and never come back was liberating! And depressing.
Later, you found yourself in a dump of a pub called 'The Swan'. The floors were sticky, the air moist and filled with bottomfeeder drinkers. The perfect place for alcoholics to worship the spirit/s of their choice for their particular woes. After five plus...however many drinks, you used the jukebox to put on the Waltz to try and recapture that beautiful dance. The revelry was interupted by some lanky idiot in a baseball cap from across the bar.
"What the fuck is this?! Who put this gay shit on?!" He half-shouted.
The rational part of your brain told you to ignore him. The rational part of your brain pointed out that he wasn't worth the energy, that he couldn't stop the song from playing. Unfortunally, the drunk part of your brain was larger, stupider and now angry at this upstart.
"Ah put it on!" You half-slurred, "You got a problem with that?"
The young man was apparently trying to be intimidating as he struted over to you, puffing out his chest and trying to walk tall. It only made him look even more pathetic as his two equally skinny friends try to do the same. He pokes you in the chest with a finger.
"Maybe I do. Maybe I don't want no shit gay music in my pub." He breathed at you, stinking of beer and weed.
"Is tha really the best response you have? The gangster routine?" You laugh in his face. "Your pub? You look like you just got out of nappies!"
He took a swing at you, connecting very lightly with your jaw. You laugh at his attempt to harm you, your helicopter parents may have not been actual parents, but atleast they cared enough pay for some self-defense classes. A quick jab to the solar plexus and he collapsed into a barely breathing heap. Two left.
The other two idiots looked simultaneously surprised and outraged at your adept defense. They obviously decide that they can't take you alone and back off to their table, friend in tow. 'Time to go!' the rational part of your brain tells you and even the drunk side agrees. As you make it to the door, you hear a yell from behind, its that lanky dumbass and eight. Eight. of his idiot friends. The temptation to run is high, but all that means is you get your ass kicked while tired. 'We're dead' rational brain says.
You get outside, acouple of other people are either smoking or too drunk to go back inside. The group of idiots arrive, smirking and probably considering how easy its going to be to pound you into tomato sauce. Lankyboy pulls a knife, a small thing, but it still a fucking bladed weapon. Its appearance causes one of the drunks to wake up abit and speak up.
"Now boys. Come-ons now! No need for fittin' like that! Knivs ain't sportin! Less the other guy has one too!" He slurs most of his words, but is atleast understandable.
"Fuck off drunky," Lankyboy replies, "This ain't your problem, its his."
The drunk looks over at you: "Eight verses one, huuuh?" You nod.
Suddenly, the drunk lunges forward, grabs Lankyboy by the wrist with his right hand and twists. Lankyboy screams as the knife tumbles out of his hand, while he screams the drunk slams his balled left fist into his jaw in an uppercut. Using his grip on the wrist, he somehow manages to spin lankyboy around so he's facing back into the shocked group and, releasing his grip, gives him a boot in the arse. The group falls over like a bunch of idiotic bowling pins, cussing and yelling in surprise.
"And that's what you get for trying to start an unequal fight while I'm around!" The drunk yells, "Goddamn plastic gangsters!"
You just stare at him agast. What kind of idiot..
"Name's Farle!" He offers a hand while the idiots try and regroup. "And if you run away from this fight now, I'll kick your ass too!" He grins.
"Fenris." You shake the proffered hand.
Lankyboy's group has finally managed to reorder themselves, he yells out the usual stuff and they rush the both of you. Since you're all pretty drunk, the fight is largely a rugby scrum of them charging to ram rather than punch. Three of them grab you, tackling you to the floor while a crapped up lankyboy tries to (ineffectually) wail on your head with his weak fists. Acouple of semi-expert blocks, grabs and throws renders all your attackers disabled.
Farle, however, is apparently taking his time. While he's obviously not an expert in hand to hand, he's got power and a certain lack of self-preservation. One of the four throws a roundhouse, which Farle blocks and then charges in closer for a..bearhug? Somehow Farle manages to pick up the weed of a man by his chest, then starts using him as an impromptu weapon. The combo of flailing legs and sheer strength take care of the other four in short order. Farle throws the last guy down, his will obviously broken and turns to you again.
"That was fun! Fenris, right?"
"....Yes, Fenris."
"Lets go out and celebrate!" He looks at the groaning pile of bodies, "somewhere else, perhaps?"
"Fuck it, lets do it!" Farle looks at you with a half-smile.
"I get the feeling this is going to be the start of a beautiful....binge drinking session."
The memory broke as you hear something sniffing, snapping you back to that forest clearing. Several teary eyes watched from the forest, some small, others much larger. It was a bear, some squirrels and a mouse. All of them looked both entranced and sad. How the hell can a bear look sad? You bring the music to a conclusion and one of the squirrels slowly walks over to you. Its carrying an acorn and it offers it to you with a teary smile. You take it gingerly and it runs back to the others.
"Thank you." Thanking a squirrel, yea this world is wierd.
"For my next piece, how about something abit more cheery? Its called 'Flight of the bumblebee'."
Your little musical presentation lasted for what seemed like hours, many more animals showed up and listened raptured. But it was getting late, so you packed up the gear and made your way out. Back to Twilight's treebrary! As you arrive, you see Farle, dressed only in the underlying purple skinsuit, storming out the front door and into the night.
"Farle, you didn't, did you?" You say to him as he passes.
"Urinary. Catheter." He states, walking away.
"What."
"URINARY. FUCKING. CATHETER." He yells back, entering the forest.
The fuck does that even mean?
The librarian Twilight appears from inside, looking mighty sheepish. She gestures you inside and you go in. The floor is covered in bits of Farle's Omnisuit, carefully laid out and covered in scrolls. Looking closer, you can read what appears to be a checklist on each of them, detailing the method of removal and assumed function. In Twilight Sparkle's hand...hoofwriting.
"Twilight," You say, fixing her with a glare. "You got some explaining to do."
Twilight gulps, then starts talking.
After leaving Sugercube corner, Spike, Twilight and Farle had returned to the library. Farle wanted to read some books of basic magic to see if humans could perform it, Twilight wanted to study him and Spike wanted to nap. After acouple hours of worming through spell theory, casting and teleportation, Farle had become thirsty. The purple unicorn, being a host that didn't so much read the book of hospitality but lived by it, offered him delightful apple flavoured beverage, which he enjoyed. What she had failed to mention was the exceedingly high dose of sedative she'd laced it with, in the hopes of studying human biology without incuring Farle's apparently 'Legendary' wrath about magic users.
Once he'd collapsed into a spell book detailing illusionary practices, she started to strip his suit from his body. Detailing precisely where every piece came from on a Check list scroll, she'd managed to disrobe him down to his skinsuit. The shimmering fabric had, apparently, mesmerised her for a moment before she gave it the gentlest of magic tugs, eliciting the smallest pained groan from the supposedly sedated human. Taking the noise to be a side-effect of the sedation, she decided to pull harder, the suit split down the seam and revealed his slightly furred chest. Another magical tug started to pull the bottom-half of the material away from him before he screamed, grabbed the flesh between his hindlegs and stormed out of the library.
"Oh shit." Fenris said, getting a look from Twilight.
"What? Why does that matter?" She replied.
Fenris told her. The skinsuit is a layer of semi-smart matter, it lies on the skin and slowly absorbs sweat and dirt from the user's body to keep them clean and fresh. However, it cannot handle large volumes of water, so the suit had a urinary catheter system to funnel away urine to the osmotic recycler. The catheter itself is fully automated in its retraction and its 'deployment'.
"And I'm guessing you didn't tell the suit to retract." He snaps his fingers. "Ah, now I get why Farle was pissed! If you'll excuse the poor choice of words."
"I...pulled a tube out of his..." Twilight stutters.
"Yes."
"Oh Celestia! I had no idea."
"Well, now you do. Also, Farle would probably want me to shoot you for that." She blanches. "Relax, he'll be mad for acouple minutes and then he'll be back here for another book."
"I am already back." Farle said from the doorway. "And yes, shoot her."
"Farle I am so sorr.."
"I WAS AWAKE THE ENTIRE TIME! IF YOU'RE GOING TO DATE RAPE ME, USE THE RIGHT DRUG! YOU GAVE ME A PARALYTIC, NOT A SEDATIVE! THAT WAS FUCKING TERRIFYING!" He screamed at her flinching form.
"Alright, simmer down."
"Fuck off Fenris. That little display was abit too close to that month on Shapers, I thought we'd been found again and that she was on me."
"Jesus, I hadn't thought about it like that. You alright?"
"No. Fuck." Farle sighed and cupped his face. "Actually, yea, I'll be fine. That just hit abit too close there. Plus the whole penis thing was pretty awful aswell."
He entered the library proper. Twilight was on the verge of tears. He sat down and rested his back on a wall. Letting out another sigh, he gently cupped himself.
"I ain't gunna pee right for a week."
"Well that's a lovely image, thanks for that. Well, shall we get you resuited then or you gunna crash?"
That apparently pushed her over the edge, her tears start, slowly building into a stream of salty sadness. Farle sighed, got up and walked over to the purple blob of unhappy. He very gently kneeled before the crying unicorn, reaching out he gently encircled her neck with his hands and brought her close into a hug.
"Wwwwhat? I thought you were mad." He lessens the hug to look her in the eyes.
"Yes, I am. But I also have this annoying thing called a 'heart', damnedable thing. I can't help myself when I see someone crying..."
"You've seen me cry a dozen times. You fucking laughed last time." Fenris interjects.
"That's different," Farle looks over at him with a grin, "You're not a girl. Pony. Whatever. Besides, when you cry its funny."
"Fuck you Farle." He looks annoyed for a moment, then chuckles.
"So you're not going to go, are you?" Farle looks back at her.
"As long as you promise. PROMISE. No more drugging me."
"I promise!"
"Well, unless its a fun drug. Or it'll be funny. Or you're abit frisky. Or.."
"Enough, Farle, seriously. Give the poor pony a break."
"Anyway, Twilight, how about a biology lesson.." Farle grins while Twilight immediately switches mood from depressed to excited.
Fenris reaches to his belt and unclipped his helmet. Slamming the thing onto his head so hard it hurts and turns off the HUD. NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE. He hears a tapping afew moments later, refusing to turn on his visual system he re-enables sound only.
"What I meant, Fenris, was that I would tell her about human biology. I'm not getting naked with you in the room, that'd be wierd."
"HASN'T STOPPED YOU BEFORE."
"Pfft. One time and I thought you were asleep. Give me a break."
"NOPE!"
"Fine! Well Twilight, the human male sexual organ is called a peni..."
Fenris slammed the audio control with absolutely no regard for his own personal safety, probably breaking his left hand in the process. There were alot of things he was willing to tolerate, but disturbing sex talks with equines was high on the ever-mutating list of NOPE. Lower than a physical demonstration, but still close enough that he'd rather suffer the darkness of his suit. After what might have been a minute, he heard another tapping sound and re-enabled his HUD.
"...And that's why Fenris likes boys." Farle had his arm around the other man, explaining to a slightly blushing pony with an extravagant hand wave.
"Fuck you Farle." Fenris said. The other man gave him a look, a deep look, a look that expressed he'd found something that was either dark, disturbing or deeply interesting.
"Let me tell you about Estrus..." Farle started to say, making the pony blush fully.
"NOPE!"
He slammed the HUD control for a third time and made a personal vow to never listen to helmet taps again.
There was no sound in the void. No shapes or limits. A total lack of anything other than the awareness. Then a flash of white appeared, then instantly vanished back to wherever it came from. A sudden noise of harsh female laughter, its tones dripping with malevolence and spite. Then screaming, the kind that burrows into souls and destroys minds. The noise of bones deep, strong ones, being fractured rang out in response. The scream grows wilder.
The cacophony stops. Another flash of white, staying longer this time, dancing infront of the awareness. For now it had eyes to see and a brain to understand, but no name it. It wasn't ready for that yet. The flash disappeared and the sound of metal grinding on metal began. It makes the brain very afraid, but it does not know why. The noise fades away but the fear remains. The screaming starts again as the eyes see flickers of images, flesh being sliced at by some silver metal, red fluid flowing from the cut and coating the limb. The screaming waxes, wanes and then there is nothing once more but the terrified brain and eyes.
The flash returned, hovering for the longest yet and giggling to itself quietly. Slowly, he realises he knows this thing. The man has reached the field of play, the eyes and brain are now him as he slowly remembers what the whiteness was. What it had done. What it had taken. Why it would not ever let him go. The whiteness started to morph infront of him, taking on a shape with pink eyes. Knowing precisely where this was going, he turned and tried to flee into the darkness. It's soft laugh becoming harder, harsher and all-together more sinister. It whispered to him as the void filled with light.
"Come back my pet. Come back to St-"
Farle shifted in the bed, trying to remove the last vestages of that familiar nightmare from his tired and minor injured form. A good body stretching elicited some major bone-clicking noises and the faintest sliver of pleasure. Pushing the covers aside, he patted down his chest. The purple fabric of the skinsuit gently shimmered in response, the display designed to show it was running a full self-diagnostic routine.
He's slept in Twilight's spare bed again. 'That was probably not the best idea.' He mused. 'But she is the only creature here with a huge pile of books and a decent brain. Plus she was pretty insistant I stay last night after she nearly rangled my dangle. Pity there was no horsey-horsey. Could we really do a pony though? We've been through this, yes we could.'
Rolling out of that warm, loveliness he took stock of the room. Twilight's bed was empty, as was Spike's rather cat-like basket. He chuckled, the young dragon even curled himself up like an adorable kitten. A kitten with claws, a magical flamethrower in its mouth and scales. Out the window, the sun hung in the middle of the glorious blue sky and bathed him in warmth. This place is pretty neat! Let me take in that view for a moment... Ok, bored now. Lets find something to do' His stomach rumbled as his skinsuit stopped shimmering. 'Correction, lets find something to eat!
As he opened the door, he noticed the smell of cooking which explained why he'd woken up. At the bottom of the stairs was a white pony who looked like she was waiting for something. 'The Lady Rarity! Hmm. I wonder if she was lying when she called herself 'Lady', like she was married to a lord or something. Lets think about this for a moment. He softly closed the bedroom door and gazed on her.
Her hair was neatly combed into a spiral, which meant she takes time with her appearance. Fur seemed washed and groomed. Horn, so magic, but he remembered Twilight mentioning their cutie marks denoting their special talents. Her's was sparkly star thing for magical ability and the white one's was three diamonds. Hmm. What the hells could that mean? Trophy wife? Gotta be something like that. Oh well, bring on the dickhead Prince personality formerly known as Farle! He walked down those stairs in the most regal manner possible, then spoke.
"Ah, Lady Rarity! How wonderful it is to see you again!" He bowed before the unicorn. "Are you well?"
"Hello, 'Not-a-prince' Farle." She gave him a faintly annoyed look.
Oh. Well bye Prince Farle!
"Ah. Yes. We do.. I do apologise for that little bit of deception. You see.."
"Twilight has already told us about it. From what she explained, you and your friend tend to be greeted with alot less than the hoof of friendship. Especially after what you said about that other magical user, I'm more than happy to accept your apology." She smiled and he returned it. "I was just checking in on you to see if you were settling in alright."
"Lady Rarity, you are too kind. Your friend has been more than helpful with her books, her time and even her home. Thank you for bringing us here."
He smiles, then notices her eyes are not looking at him but rather the collection of Omnisuit components covered in the scrawling checklists of Twilight Sparkle. 'Please don't ask' He thought to himself as her gaze returns to his current attire, the purple skinsuit which is apparently garnering a half-confused half-curious look. She opens her mouth to speak, her question obvious as the human cuts her off.
"Its a skinsuit. Its more comfortable than sleeping in armor. " He evades, then he quickly pats down his chest to trigger the shimmer. "Even looks pretty nice too."
"That is a rather interesting material! I can't say I agree with the cut, but it still is remarkably pretty, wherever did you get it darling?"
"Don't get your hope's too high M'lady. This came from a highly advanced society of technologists in an entirely different universe from this one, same one we got our Omnisuits." 'And weapons' he refrains from saying to her disappointed face.
"Ah well. We have an appointment at the spa, come along then Fluttershy." He looks around the room for the unseen pony, not finding it.
"Err, Rarity... You're the only pony here."
She looks at him like he's crazy, then looks around her for the other supposed pony in the room. As she turns, he catches a tiny shiver of a yellow coat trying to hide behind that maintained purple tail. Rarity spots her.
"Fluttershy, please, let me introduce you to Farle. He's harmless."
There was a quiet 'eep' as she moved aside, revealing the huddled body of a yellow pegusus who was still trying to hide behind her pink mane. She took a tentative look at the strange creature infront of her before recognising it from afew days ago in the forest. Their eyes meet for a moment as he now recognises those large pupils with green irises. He slowly goes down to one knee infront of that terrified pony with a half-smile.
"Why hello there, little one." Farle whispered and got a rather strange look from Rarity. "We've met. Sort of." He quietly explained.
"Hello." Fluttershy whispered back.
"I'm sorry I scared you in the forest, little Fluttershy, I promise I won't hurt you. But when you started talking, you actually scared me!"
"I.. scared you?" She doesn't seem to believe him.
"You were my first." He pauses, laughing internally at his absolutely poor choice of words. "...Talking pony. It surprised me. Come forward alittle bit and we'll have a proper human greeting, don't be afraid."
He offers out his right hand to the yellow pony with a warm smile. She looks at the limb confused, then eventually mimics the gesture with her frontleg. Gasping as he very gently wraps his digits around her hoof, giving it the softest of shakes. After a moment, he gently lets go of her leg leaving a tingly sensation that causes her to faintly blush.
"You have very soft fur." He complimented and her blush went up a notch.
"Ttthanks." Rarity looked at the two, an eyebrow raised before she spoke.
"Well the introductions are finished and its getting late for the spa. Shall we get going Fluttershy?" She mumbled something that sounded like disagreement, but Rarity missed it. "Perfect! I'll see you later Farle"
As they left, he turned to face the veritable pile of scrolls covering his Omnisuit and sighed. In normal times, getting out of the suit would involve snapping some latches near the waist and then pulling the top and bottom parts off. Something that the pony had obviously not known judging from the fact that every latch had been undone, gauntet; pauldron; vambrace; etc. It was only blind luck that the power system was sealed or it would have blown up in her face.
Thinking of the devil, he heard the unmistakable sound of hooves approaching. Running his hands through his hair, he yawned and favored the sheepish looking pony with a tired smile.
"Mornin'."
"Afternoon, actually, you slept through the morning. How are you?"
"Hungry. I should probably find something to eat, can't keep draining your resources to feed myself."
"Its fine! Spike and Fenris are making some lunch in the kitchen. About last night.." She started to say as he interrupted, pointing an accusing finger at her.
"Oh no you don't! The lunch is spiked, isn't it?" She looks horrified at the implication.
"What?! No! I promised you last nigh..." She notices him holding back a grin and it clicks. "'Spike'd? Ugh. That was terrible."
"I know, but you smiled so you can't say anything and stop worrying about last night. Lets go eat, drink and then spend a bloody age putting that damn suit back together." The pair head into the kitchen area.
'Why is the little FIRE-BREATHING baby DRAGON wearing a fucking pink apron? '
"Because he looks adorable, also please cut the swearing, he's very impressionable." Farle hadn't realised he'd whispered loud enough for her to hear that.
Fenris was in this strange kitchen, doing something over an hob while the dragon walked back and forth carrying stuff. The two men swapped their usual greeting of, Spike-friendly, cussing and complaining about each other. Instructed to sit, Farle and Twilight sat on the offered pillows on the same side of the a table. The two made idle chatter about the nice smell, the way the two creatures seemed to be oddly syncronised in their activities and eventually the food arrived. Spike disappeared to get his own food.
"A Viola! Omelette du...du...." Fenris stuttered, unable to recall the French for his creation. "They are vegetarian omelettes with medley of vegetables and mushrooms. Farle, if you look at me like that I'm going to brain you with this frying pan." The other man was giving him an annoyed yet playful look, then he looked sad.
"I miss meat."
'Oh shitfuck!' Fenris thought. 'First civilisation we find in ages and that moron has to announce we're carnivores to a bunch of vegetarian ponies! HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE THE SMART ONE FOR FU....Wait why is no one reacting to this?' True enough, the others had simply started eating and apparently didn't care.
"Hold on," he asked the pony, "Why aren't you freaking out that we eat meat?"
"Your teeth." She mumbled through some mushroom. He looked confused, she continued. "Incisors, canines, the obviously formed for tearing and eating meat. Combine that with the presense of your molar teeth, you're probably very capable of ingesting both forms. Honestly, I thought it was obvious."
"She manages to disassemble an Omnisuit, technology that is lightyears advanced of their own and you're surprised because she figured out we eat meat because of our teeth? Christ, I knew you were stupid but..." Farle laughs and the other man looks at him annoyed.
"Eh, whatever." He stated, shaking his head and returning to the meal.
Spike eventually returned with a bowl full of gems, diamonds and other assorted precious stones. Sitting down among the others, he picked up a small sapphire and took a bite. Like most of the lower-density stones, it wasn't particularly good nor bad but it was filling. Munching through the rest in short, he finally reached a mid-sized diamond and took a bite from it. That's when he felt the two pairs of eyes on him, watching him slowly chew, the two humans were watching him with a mixed expression of confusion and horror.
"What?" He asked as the two men look at each other.
"Essentially? That there is some stuff in the universe that, while common there, blows your mind. Watching anything eat a diamond...yea. Mind blown."
"But, I eat diamonds all the time."
"This 'Verse." He said with an air of finality, rubbing his brow with his hand.
"So what other universes have you been to?" Twilight asked.
"Well that's a difficult question, we've been to many."
"What was our best one then?"
"Well Tai-la was our best 'verse. We arrived in the typical multiverse storm in the middle of a verdant field. The grass was lushious and the trees were sparse. As we walked, I was afraid that we'd landed in another forest world, boring shit those are. But no, we'd hit upon some wierd royal garden. After some time we eventually found two of the most beautiful creatures, human, female and shockingly attractive. They noticed our approach and beaconed us over. They were having a picnic and were more than willing to share. They had breads that would make you slobber with unrestrained desire, their meats and fruit would make you squeal with delight. It was the best food I've ever eaten." Farle smiles dreamily.
"Then they took us back to the 'Royal' city and by the Gods! Thousands and thousands of the most beautiful women we've ever seen! Not a single man in that entire city. As it later turned out, Tai-La women give birth to girls 99% of the time so men are a very scarce resource which meant when us two showed up they went mental! They greeted us with a parade. We met their matriarch-queen who immediately assigned us a room in the royal palace and a slew of servants. It was glorious!"
"Wow. Sounds like you really lucked out!" Twilight says. "But if it was so good, why did you leave?"
"Well, that's where this wonderful story comes to a dark conclusion. See, we spent a month there. I spent most of my time with these two lovely ladies...No not the way you're imagining, Tai-La's women would do anything BUT that to please us. The three of us would go to these riotous parties, drinking and dancing wildly. When not partying, Rachel would read to me and Samantha all of their scientific knowledge. They weren't particularly advanced, but damn they knew alot about genetic engineering and agriculture. Sam would feed me the sweetest grapes. Ahh." As the man drifts off into the memory, Fenris takes up the story.
"And I spent my time enjoying their art. Fantastic drawn works, endless sculptures depicting what they called 'The downfall of man'. No idea what cultural event they were referring to, but the way that artist manipulated steel rods was nothing short of inspired! I met these two ladies as well, who adored my cultural views in that gallery. We went to operas, plays and attended formal gala's. They even made me this most delightful suit from the finest silks, it was like wearing a cloud." Farle takes up the story once more.
"So me and the ladies become abit of an item. I know, three way loving is probably not a good idea, but they explained why they were ok with it. Something about 'Ensuring their houses continued survival', so they were more than happy to share me and I wasn't about to offend them." The unicorn looks faintly disturbed by the notion. "What? Anyway. So nearing the end of the month, they ask me if we could be 'bonded' and I naturally give them a wierd look because what the hell does that even mean? Apparently they have this ritual that acknowledges that a man is 'bonded' with them and allows them to.." The man looks at Spike for a moment, reconsidering his choice of words. "'Commune' with each other. Naturally, I agreed because why not?"
"And so did I, how could I not want to be with Laura and her friend Susan? Lovely things." Fenris interjects.
"So this ritual is a big deal, apparently. We decided to do it at the same time and wearing our Omnisuits. Why? Because the ladies insisted we take all of our belongings, for reasons that will become clear in a moment. So the day arrives, we head to the palace and their is the Queen in his massive hall. They ceremonially wash our suits down, no idea why, then place these wierd robes on us that have dozens of pockets. Then the eldest member of each of the girls family comes forward, baring a gift for us. The first brought us this huge gold bar and placed it with great reverance into one of the pockets in the robe. She then thanked me for 'bonding' with her daughter. This continued, with everyone in their family thanking us and giving us stuff. Wierd right?" Twilight nods.
"So then, here comes the twist, the Queen BOWS TO US. That set off every single one of my alarms in my head. Something very bad was about to go down. She rises and thanks us. So I ask her why we need all this loot and why everyone is thanking us. She explains, its all part of the ritual and that the loot is for us in the afterlife."
"Wait, what?" The unicorn interrupts, "the afterlife? They were going to kill you?!"
"They used the term 'harvest', but it amounted to the same thing. Using a strange machine, they were going to suck all of our DNA out and utilise it to impregnate their entire house in the hope that our outsider DNA would allow them to give birth to males again. Well that's my guess, the end result didn't really matter what they intended to do with us since we'd still be dead."
"How did you escape?" Spike asked, the horror of the story clearly present on his little face.
"Benefits of the Hypercube, lil' Dragon, once its charged you're just a click and a switch away from banging back through the multiverse. I wish I could have seen their faces when we vanished in a storm of multicoloured light." The baby dragon looked abit miffed by the sudden and unfurfilling ending.
"And that's your best story? You partying and then nearly getting turned into soup? That's horrible!" Farle shrugs at the horrified unicorn.
"Yeah well, we did come out of it with huge amounts of money so it wasn't all bad. Plus we had an awesome time before that whole bonding business."
"I'm afraid to ask, but what was your worst?"
A deathly silence falls on the room and Twilight can't help but feel like she's just asked the wrong question. The human is staring off into the distance, eyes glassy, patently remembering something terrible. He appears to be mouthing something, she tries to lip read that alien face and catches only three words before the other man interrupts. 'First the knives.' She shivers, then jumps as Fenris slams his hand onto the table, breaking Farle's revelry.
"Farle!" A concerned edge on his voice.
"What? Oh sorry, I spaced out there. What were we talking about again?"
"Our worst world. It'd be that forest world acouple leaps back, right?" Fenris replies, his voice slightly too forceful.
"Oh, yea" Farle chuckled, "Forest worlds are boring, but that one was extra boring."
"So what's the story behind it?" The unicorn pressed.
"There isn't one. Not a sodding thing happened, all we did was sit around for two weeks by the sea. Did abit of hunting but its no sport when you've got a pulse rifle with thermal vision. Atleast you got alot of use out of that infernal piano." He gestured at the other man.
"Ah, yes that was rather enjoyable. Playing music and watching you be bored as shit. Delightful schadenfreude!"
"Are you guys really friends?" The dragon looked incredulous as both men start chucking.
"Nah, he's just my pet." Farle dodged a Fenris thrown fork. "Missed me!"
"Such a dick. But to answer your question Spike, yes, its just a human male bonding ritual to mock each other. Its all in good humor." Fenris smiled at the comprehending dragon.
"Oh! I forgot to mention this before, but Princess Celestia is due for a visit to Ponyville tomorrow! She's expressed an interest in meeting you two. OH! There's so much to do! I probably won't be able to get down to Applejacks for the supplies!"
"I could do it, if you've got a map." Farle chimed in. "Need to walk abit, joints are getting rusty from all this sitting plus WE do owe you for your hospitality." He glanced over at Fenris.
"Hey, I cooked lunch and I'm cleaning up. Bite me."
"That'd be great! I'll get you a map!" Twilight jumped up and left the room.
Seconds later, there is an almighty bang with a purple flash. The two human and dragon look at each other, stunned, before racing out of the kitchen and into the library proper. Standing there, in all its glory, is Farle's fully assembled Omnisuit. The human stares at it, considering the level of disassembly it should have taken atleast an hour to put it back together, yet the magician had done it in less than a minute.
"I...what?" Farle splutters as Twilight beams at him.
"Fix-it Spell." She levitates over a small paper map to his grasp.
"....This 'Verse." Was the only thing the shocked human could say.
Ponyville seemed remarkably at ease with the strange creature that was now wandering its way through the streets. Some of the braver stallions were even daring to get within a few feet of it, before retreating to the relative safety of their groups with bold grins on their faces. Not that the biped hadn't noticed the commotion, for it wore a smile on its small face and had a glimmer in its eyes. When one of the ponies who was following started to reach for it with a forehoof, the creature span and grabbed the limb with remarkable speed. Everything seemed to slow as the crowd inhaled a nervous breath, then relaxed as the thing gently shook it.
"Name's Farle, its a pleasure to meet you." It spoke with a hint of amusement.
"F...Felix." The stallion stuttered as the human released its grip.
"Well Felix, do you think you could point the way to Sweet... The nearest apple farm please?" The stallion gestures with the still-outstretched hoof. "Thanks." The pony ran back to the assembled groups yelling about how he talked to the human.
Her prey turned in the direction of the farm and walked away. Using all her stealth, the mare silently slipped from shadow to shadow to follow it. As luck would have it, it was heading in the direction of her friend. 'Yes! Soon. Very soon my little human!'
Although I be sailing on oceans unmoving... Farle started to hum to himself as he wandered roughly in the direction that pony had pointed to. Being the center of non-hostile attention was marvelous! Sure, they were equines, but at least they weren't trying to skewer him with spears or turn him into genetic soup. Plus, this place was pretty cheerful! It seemed like pain and suffering here were only vague concepts rather than filthy realities.
In the distance, rows and rows of obviously maintained apple trees came into view as he walked on. 'Ding ding! One very obvious apple farm located! Now, to follow the. Oh for fuck sake'. He sighed. A pony had been following him for the past 5 minutes, trying to be sneaky but failing as it giggled effeminately from every hiding place. Weighing up his options, he could continue on and let the thing have its guilty pleasure. Alternatively, he could end this amusing farce right now before he ended up drugged at the mercy of a pony. Thinking of a rather perverted train of thought for a moment, he recalled the events of the night before. Dismissing the latter option with an internal shudder, he quickly swung around the corner of a nearby building and waited.
It didn't take the stalker long to catch up. Running around the corner at a fair pace, it slammed into his armored legs and collapsed into a pile on the floor. It shook its head, presumably to clear it. Then looked slowly upward, realising what had cut-short its pursuit. Raising its eyes slowly to meet his frown, which was returned with a sheepish 'I-just-got-caught' look.
"Err, Hi?" It was obviously a mare.
"I think introductions can wait. Why are you trying to follow me? Oh, I say try because laughing every time you successfully get to the next patch of shadow without me noticing isn't stealthy at all." Annoyance creeped into his voice.
"Oh, well I. Err. My. Friend wants to see you?" She smiles weakly.
"Is this a very unsubtle way of asking me out? Not that I'm opposed mind you..." He half-grinned at the mare's sudden switch to a shocked expression
"No! What I mean is. Oh. My friend would really like to see you in the flesh! No not like that! Oh this isn't going how I planned..." He chuckles at her poor choice of words.
"Well, I suppose if flesh is what you're after.." Pulling several latches and seals, he slipped the gauntlet off his left arm and showed the fleshy hand to the now wide-eyed pony.
"Oh she won't believe it! You must come with me now!"
Before Farle could react, he felt the hot, moist breath of that weird mare around his fingers as she took them into her mouth. His normally chaotic mind suddenly went very quiet as the pony began to lead him to whatever or whomever it was talking about. Several thoughts whispered in the stilled void of his brain. 'Should we be aroused by this?' 'Is this thing leading us to danger?' 'How is it possible that this mouth feels semi-solid? Like it has internal grasping sections?' 'Oh baby don't stop!' 'WHERE'S THE FUCKING BOOZE?!'
Not really paying attention to his surroundings, the human slowly pondered those questions as he felt the warmth around his digits disappear. He'd arrived at its intended destination. Before him was a blue pony, sitting on a bench in a manner that should technically have been impossible given the skeletal structure of a pony. She looked at the other mare briefly, before presumably taking in his form with what looked like mild-disinterest.
"Lyra! Look! I found a human! He has HANDS!" The light apple colored hand-sucker practically yelled with glee.
"What!? Where the hay did this rumor start that I have this obsession with hands and humans? Damnit Bon-Bon! I told you to cut this out, it wasn't funny the first time and its not funny now." The angry unicorn yelled, gesturing angrily with a forehoof at her supposed friend. The other pony looked disappointed.
"You sit funny." He said to the blue one, deadpan.
"You look funny." The mare replied.
"Touche. Well this has been... weird. I'm just going to go now." He gave them both a short wave with his ungauntleted hand, then looked at the moisture still clinging to it with a slightly disturbed expression for a second. Turning to walk away, he managed to spot the Apple farm in the distance before overhearing the stalker mutter something in a disturbingly seductive tone to the angry friend.
"I had a hand in my mouth.... and I liked it."
Hearing the crazy desire in that mare's voice, he quickly and quietly sped up. Images of being locked in a cellar as it carved off digits for it to suck on flashed through his mind. He offered up a quiet prayer to whatever deity ruled this 'verse that he be allowed to keep his fingers.
Void Travel. That terrible combination of screaming, multicolored light, pain and velocity. The magics that had brought it from its former plane had ripped much of its black fur from its body, both revealing and scarring much of its thick grey flesh beneath. But this did not bother it overly, so used to pain, its only concern it felt was for its young pups. The Mistress would gladly rend them to little more than chum if it died before its time.
It emerged from the Void still retaining much of its former speed, having only a moment to adjust its arrival angle before slamming its left meaty foreshoulder into something wooden and green. Its velocity arrested, its tentacled maw twitched spasmodically as it recovered from that punishing impact. Shaking its head, it glanced at the pained left shoulder. The grey flesh was already turning vivid purple and a gash ran down the limb, thickly oozing blood. It gave this only a small amount of concern, if it started to infringe on its ability to continue the hunt more drastic measures would need to be taken, but for now it would wait and see. Its life was already forfeit in the grand scheme of things.
Pushing itself to its four paws, it surveyed the landing zone with half-hearted interest. Before it was a tree, its trunk broken from the arrival surrounded by large splinters and a settling cloud of wood-dust. There was a pervasive sense of foreboding to the forest before it, like every blade of grass and every shadow held a monster or some creature. Ambush could come from anywhere, diving above from the tree branches or from the side, the predator hidden within the shrubs and vines of the floor. Had it a jaw capable of expression, it would have worn a soft smile. This was to be a glorious hunt!
Taking a triumphant lungful of that alien atmosphere through its nose, it considered what lived in this malevolent place. The smell of wood dust, burning fur and grass hit it first. All side-effect smells of the void exit. Then other disgusting smells of fruit and flowers. Finally, the sweetest of smells! Prey! Thousands and thousands of varying scents in all directions, a veritable feast of flesh. Saliva dripped from its tentacled maw as it dreamed of consuming all of them, turning meat into muscle and fat into fierce purpose.
The thing flexed its uninjured right forepaw, letting its claws escape the captivity of its prehensile extremity and ran it through the mulch of this new world. It still retained much of its original sharpness and would be useful in the coming slaughter. Taking a step forward on uneasy muscles, it smelled the faint copperish tang of freshly spilt blood. Something had evidently found a new meal. Focusing on that smell, the decision to steal whatever had been slaughtered to renew its energy was made. Scavenge now, fresh prey later.
It heard the predator before it saw it, something with a large and entirely unstealthy roar that broke the silence of the forest. Shortly followed by the wet, slapping sound of flesh being consumed. Padding closer, it snuck a look around a particularly bushy tree to see what the beast was.
Hovering over a corpse, the yellow thing let loose another almighty roar before dipping its head to continue its bloody feast. The tail was akin to a scorpion, a poisonous barb held high. The rest was like a winged lion with meaty paws that clawed at the flesh of the animal it had conquered.
Overconfident. Not checking for other predators, not watching for ambushes. Eating too loudly, eating in the open. Roaring and most importantly, with its back to this tree. This creature would not survive for more than a minute in the Pound Pits It thought to itself as its tentacles started to move involuntarily, the excitement of a potential meal forcing the cocktail of fatigue poisons into the tiny injectors near their tips. Forgetting the previous idea of simply scaring this pathetic prey away disappeared, it would consume it and then continue onto the hunt.
Unsheathing its claws, it began to haul its body up the bushy tree. Every muscle in its bulky legs burned from the effort, but in its weakened state a frontal attack would leave it vulnerable to a counterstrike that could potentially ruin the chance of a successful hunt. Reaching the canopy, it gripped the tree tightly as it watched the prey dine on another piece of sanguine gore with a pang of hungry jealousy.
Inching along the thick branches quietly, claws retracted for better stealth, it continued its observation as the prey finally finished its meal. Barely two metres away, it could see the thin film of sweat on the golden fur. Its claws looked too small for such a large prey animal, but were contained in burly paws that looked better for crude bashing rather than cutting. When the prey finally roared with apparent satisfaction, it felt the moment had come.
Pushing off the branch with a half-pounce, it fell silently for a moment before its forepaws landed squarely on the back of the prey’s neck and its hindpaws thumped into the creature’s back. The manticore, apparently surprised by the impact, didn't had enough time to let let out a roar before tentacles flared and clamped around its jaw. Extending its claws finally, they bit into the foolish flesh of the prey as it began to thrash to force it off.
Elation flooded its mind as the tentacles pumped out a flood of fatigue poisons into the head of the animal. Already weakened by its own hunting, the prey was slowly starting to tire. Feeling the warm blood from its body between its claws sent another spark of pleasure to its mind as the creature beneath it finally collapsed to the forest floor.
Carefully plucking the tentacles from the prey's maw, began to consider what this beast’s place was in the forest as it idly retracted its claws. If the Pits had no bigger reavers, would I be this sloppy in the hunt? It thought to itself as it turned to face the prey. Its tiny black eyes looked at the reaver with a mixture of surprise and fear. No, I wouldn't. Pathetic pup.
Pushing aside the fleshy meat-appendages that surrounded its maw, it finally licked one of the bloody wounds made when it clamped its jaw. It tasted of its own poisons and of sweetest, richest blood it had ever tasted. Well fed prey, always a hearty meal.
Extending its foreclaws once more, it dragged the still-living body beneath the cover of the bushy tree it had ambushed it from. The manticore let out a tiny, pitiful whine as the reaver considered something for a moment. Then blood sprayed from the new slash it had made on the prey's midsection, painting its burns and fur with delicious proof of its skill. The creature's whine rose in volume for a moment before its eyes went cold and lifeless.
Soon, the hunt begins. But, for now, first blood is mine.