Shambala

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My name is Trinity Bellucci, and my story begins on the day that I died. And you know what? I was happy that morning. After a couple decades on death row, I was ready to experience the sweet embrace of death.

I suppose now you expect me to go into some sob story of how “I was innocent” or “a victim of circumstance.” I know what I did. I enjoyed what I did. And I made a killing to boot- pun not intended.

You know, getting caught wasn't even my own fault. There was no spectacular car chase, no shootout with the cops. One day I woke up, made my morning coffee, and heard a knock at the door. Cops. They had a warrant for my arrest; I rolled my eyes and held my hands out. I know people. I won’t be in for long. I would get away scot free like I had on so many other occasions, celebrate with a whiskey debauch, and get back to work.

Well, fuck me I was wrong. Turns out there was a rat; bastard fucked us all over so he could skip town and live a life of luxury. So many of my partners and friends, either rotting in a jail cell or on death row limbo like I was. That fucker better hope we don’t meet back up in Hell.

I bet you’re still waiting on some grandstanding “Oh, I had such an awful childhood. Daddy beat me and Momma was a whore- That’s what made me into the woman I am today, it really wasn't my fault!”

Hah. Right. Yeah, my childhood was a fucking mess, but that doesn’t matter now. None of this matters.

Honestly, I was feeling better than I had in a looooong time. Of course, this is helped by the contents of my last meal- A bottle of Wild Turkey. God, how I missed the burn of that stuff pouring down my throat. I still can’t believe the warden actually allowed it, though I chalk that up to men being easy to manipulate.

You can do whatever horrible crimes you want, and all you gotta do is bat your eyelashes and show a little skin and they’ll empathize with the poor, sweet girl. Hell, I remember a few years ago hearing of a case where some woman murdered her kid and was only sentenced to a few years. Lucky bitch.

Anyways, on to the show!

After having drank half a bottle of liquor, I was pretty fuckin hammered when they lead me to the chair. Come to think of it, they might have started earlier than scheduled, since I was drunkenly scream-singing Shambala in my cell.

I stumbled into the room yelling “dead bitch walking here” on the way to my throne with a red faced, dopey smile and graciously plopped into my seat. I was giggling like a moron as the guards tightened the straps on my chair, thinking of my ingenious plan to seduce the Devil himself, knocking my knuckles against the wood to the beat of Shambala like a madwoman. I looked at the crowd of shocked and disgusted old cunts and couldn’t help but laugh my ass off.

“You all came here to watch me die. Why do ya’s look so glum?” The guards merely looked at me in disgust.

Warden spoke up.

“Trinity Bellucci, you have been condemned to die in the electric chair by a jury of your peers, sentenced by a judge held in good standing within the state of Florida. Do you have anything to say before your sentence is carried out?”

With a deep breath and a smirk, I spoke up in a definitely not sarcastic tone.

“With the lord as my shepherd, I’m sorry for all the bad shit I done and the people I’ve fucked over and… snrk hope they forgive me and I won’t do it again, that-that’s for sure…” and in that moment, I had a minute of brief lucidity appearing through my drunken haze. I looked to the woman standing next to the lever which would lead to my (apparently unultimate) demise.

“You there. Look at me.” My voice was stern and calm, devoid of my previous drunken joviality. The guards looked at each other before the leverwoman looked this way.

“We’re not so different, you and I. Today, you’re getting paid to murder someone. You’re snuffing out a human life, one of God’s children, if you believe he truly loves us all.” I smirked and took a breath.

“I have to ask. Do you find this line of work fulfilling? Do you get a sense of righteous justice for killing some prick who probably deserves it? Or is it just a paycheck for you? A simple means to sustain yourself as you blindly flop through this life until you’re granted passage into the next.” The crowd was looking amongst themselves and muttering, though the overall sense of resentment remained.

“Do you think God will forgive you? Or do you get the sense that whenever you pull that lever, you are God. Whatever plan He had for me, will be overwritten by your sense of justice. But the difference is, I’m ready to die. Will you be?” the woman looked down at her hands, maybe imagining the blood staining them. Slowly she opened her mouth to speak her mind, but the warden shook his head. She scowled at me, and I smirked.

I blinked, and the double vision returned. Softly, I began to sing. Wash away my troubles… wash away my pain… I’m on the road to Sham-ba-la… A guard came over and lowered a hood over my shaved head, strapping the electrode to my scalp. My world went dark under the mask. Wash away my sorrow… wash away my shame… with the rain in Sham-ba-la…

“Trinity Bellucci. Electricity will be passed through your body until you are dead in accordance with state law. May God have mercy on your soul.” Everyone is helpful… Everyone is kind… on the road to Sham-ba-la.

“Roll on two.” just as I took in a breath to belt out the chorus, I heard a clank and sucked in a deep gasp of air. For a split second, it felt no different from a static discharge shocking my scalp… then nothing.

So this is it. This is death. In the blackness, I couldn’t see a thing, although no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t wrench my eyes open. It felt like an utter void- both infinitely expansive and constricting.

But rather than feeling the bitter, biting cold, I felt… warm. In fact, uncomfortably so. It felt like a hot day in a swamp, the humidity clinging to my skin like tight spandex. I tried to worm my way around, and with great difficulty, I felt a draught of cool air against my scalp. I began to hear voices yelling, but I couldn’t make out any words.

Slowly, the void began to push me out of its warm embrace- but I was met with immediate regret. It’s so cold… I tried to worm my way back in to no avail. The hands of demons began to grip my skull, slowly tugging me into the frozen depths of Hell. And for the first time in my life, I felt regret for my actions. Is this what awaits me? An eternity in a frozen pit of Hell, tortured by demons with hard, calloused hands?

The voices grew louder, and with a wet schlick I was ripped away from my warm, comfortable void. The demon's hands felt rough and scaly. And for once in my life I was gripped with a pure, primal terror. I took in a deep gasp of air and shrieked- though my voice sounded quieter and weaker than I expected. I shivered terribly and tried to wrap myself up to preserve what little body heat I had when suddenly, I felt something… soft. As though a fuzzy cloth blanket had been wrapped around my body.

I suppose that within the cosmos, there is balm as well as bitterness. But soon, I was even more confused. I felt myself being held gently against a surface of what felt like soft, fluffy feathers. Just then, I heard the voice of a woman speaking.

“Look how tiny she is, Gramma…” Her voice sounded proud and a little choked up, but I barely paid them any mind as I sought to bury myself in the river of feathers, relishing the warmth and protection I felt among them.

“I can see that, darling. She looks quite healthy, to boot…” an ancient sounding woman said, and that gave me pause. I wouldn’t call the last couple decades of prison fare and the whiskey debauch I recently partook in healthy… but what makes one look healthy?

“Well, have you decided on a name yet?” the ancient woman spoke up, and the inquisitive part of my brain was shot into overdrive. Just what could she mean by this?

“Leona… I’ll call her Leona.” Just then, I began to slightly crane my head away from the pile of feathers and slowly opened my eyes for the first time. Everything seemed bright and blurry like an unfocused camera, but slowly everything began to click.

I was not being held by a demon from Hell. I was being held by… my mother. But at the same time, not my mother. She was an odd creature- an avian-like front half connected to a feline back half. Like a gryphon, depicted in medieval heraldry. My mind was racing with questions- and I didn’t even know where to start. I was utterly speechless.

All I could bring myself to do is laugh at the sheer absurdity of it all.

---

Meanwhile, across the ocean in another part of the planet, extraordinary events were set into motion. Events which would lead to six friends discovering the magic of friendship and saving the world, time and time again. At the time, no one could have known what effects an airburst of pure, raw magic would bring; whether for better…

Or for worse.

One thing is for certain. The fate and course of this world has changed, ever so subtly, from the path intended by providence. Alliances will form and fall. Some who were meant to die would live, and some who were meant to live would perish.

And one who was never intended to survive lives and breathes.

Of course, the Sun Princess had no idea the depths of the problem. Standing out on her balcony, Celestia looked up at the moon and sighed.

"Only a few more winters, dear sister."
---

At the moment, I decided it best to hold my tongue and take in everything I could. I don’t know how they would react to a talking baby, and frankly, I wasn't sure if I wanted to know. Hell, I didn’t even try talking at this point.

The home I was born in was a quaint little cottage, somehow looking both medieval and modern in decor and style. It’s like when you go to an old ladies house and there’s a microwave next to the old woodburner stove- just very jarring. There was a living room, a kitchen, a bathroom, and two bedrooms, as well as a cellar for storage-accessed from a hatch out back.

And the city we were in? Fucking MASSIVE! It was like the idyllic medieval city, with massive stone walls, cobblestone streets, thatch roof houses, that sort of shit. The city, called Featherworth, is a large walled circle with separate districts for markets, housing, factories, all with a large, towering castle in the center, with surrounding fields covered in fertile land for farming.

It’s an odd feeling, really. Realizing you’ve been born again in a literal sense. I admit- being breastfed is awkward as fuck, and I quickly found out my continence currently just… wasn’t there. But it’s just one of those things you try not to think about, like how people tend to shit themselves when they die. Yes, it’s natural, but hardly on the forefront of my mind.

I also found out I had wings, which could apparently function, and a tail. Not long after I was born, I noticed soft, black feathers sprouting all over my body, and I was finally able to see myself in a mirror.

Above the basin where they bathed me was a tall mirror. I pointed at it as Mamma lifted me out of the water. She set me on the bathroom floor, cooing at how adorable I was and asking who I was seeing.

Well, myself obviously. I know how a mirror works.

I had large eyes of pure gold, an upper half of black feathers and a light gray back half. In fact, I bore a striking resemblance to Ma, aside from her blue eyes and mottled gray-and-white coat.

Then there’s the beak- it is surprisingly expressive. My dark gray beak was hard like keratin yet malleable like any other facial muscle. I gave myself a scowl, then a smirk- my two favorite expressions. I stuck my tongue out and blew a raspberry, with Mamma squealing in delight at my antics.

And of course, I should probably explain my... interesting home situation. Mamma and I live with her Gramma, whose real name I have yet to figure out. She’s… an interesting woman. She constantly wears a scarf and shawl to hide the fact that her head feathers have fallen out, making her look like an old babushka. Another thing: she’s a massive alcoholic. Her breath constantly smells of whiskey, and I rarely ever see her without her flask(more like a canteen) of rotgut hanging on a strap around her neck.

I can respect it, in all honesty.

And Mamma is attending school, which wouldn’t be concerning… except she’s fifteen. I honestly feel for the poor girl. I don’t know if she got knocked up at a party or what the fuck, but at least she seems to be taking it in stride.

Honestly, if I were in her shoes I probably would’ve tried to drink the fucker out. For that reason, I respect her a lot. Either she doesn’t know who the father is, or doesn’t want to know who my father is. Whatever the case, I have yet to hear her speak of him.

So, that brings me to the present. I’ve only been alive a few days at this point, but… I easily accepted the situation. To start over Tabula Rasa, or Blank Slate is a one in a billion chance, I think.

It honestly makes me wonder, what kind of life will I lead here? I think… I dunno. Maybe I can try being a good person this time around? Away from the crime, away from the constant death and threat of being caught…

Either way, the world is my bitch.

Cryin' Like a Bitch

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In Canterlot, the Princess of the Sun sat on her throne with contemplative expression. The past month spent getting to know her new student, Twilight Sparkle, has been quite fun and exciting to her.

Yet at the same time, she felt as though something else had gone terribly awry- and she couldn’t figure out what. After hearing reports of a magical airburst near Cloudsdale she soon found out that Twilight would become much more powerful than anyone ever imagined; after a quick magical scan, she found out that Twilights mana pool had been connected directly to the Aetherius- something only an Alicorn should be capable of.

One so young should never be given access to such destructive power- which is why she elected to keep a close eye on Twilight. Not only to help her train how to use this power without accidentally blowing her horn into microscopic shards, but also to make sure she steers well clear of the dangers of Dark Magic.

After all, she made that mistake once with Sombra. And she’ll be damned if she would let that disaster happen again.

But that wasn’t what concerned her so. In fact, she was quite confident in her ability to train Twilight until she could properly, and safely, ascend into alicornhood.

No, the main problem was the fact that she didn’t know what other effects such a powerful burst of magical energy may have had. Currently, she had agents all over Equestria keeping a lookout for anything unusual or any strange magical anomalies- and hasn’t heard a single thing back.

Unfortunately for her, she never was good at thinking outside the box; that was something her Dear Sister often contributed. Sadly for her, Luna wouldn’t return from her banishment for another eight years.

Because if she was here, she may have suggested that Celestia plant spies across the Griffon Confederacy. For if she did that, one of them may have heard tavern rumors of an infant capable of speech, writing, and higher reason which should only be capable by someone of more advanced age.

For you see, if common drunkards were good for anything, it’s letting knowledge which should be kept secret spread- whether accurate or inaccurate.

For better or for worse.

---

Hey there. So, my name was Trinity. Now it’s Leona. Leona Grimfeather. A griffon, with a plume of black feathers, gray fur and golden eyes with a light gray beak. I am currently about two and a half months old and was formerly a human.

Yeah, you read that right. Former human. You know, I spent twenty years on death row. That time wasn’t spent doing nothing, of course; When you’ve nothing better to do other than await your death, it gives you plenty of time to think… and read. By fuck, did I read. Hell, I probably read the entirety of that prison's library twice.

Anyways, I had a lot of ideas of what death would bring: eternal suffering, maybe I’d somehow wind up in some paradise, or most preferable of all- nothing. I remember at one point I had the possibility of reincarnation rolling around my head.

Nothing could have prepared me for what actually happened.

So anyways, I was able to keep my secret until just recently. Not about my past, but the fact that I’m about as smart as an adult oughta be. But maybe that’s a good thing- I’ve been able to reach a sort of mutual understanding with Mamma and now have access to books and writing implements.

It’s nice having a diary. Helps me collect my thoughts and write down things I might otherwise forget.

So anyways, I was just laying on the floor of our cottage, playing with a wooden toy train. Don’t judge me- I had nothing better to do and all my old hobbies from home are either illegal or don’t exist here. Naturally I started to get tired; managing an entire rail line by yourself is hard work, after all. Gramma was already in bed at this point and Mamma was just chilling on the couch doing some algebra homework.

I was drifting off and trying to take a quick nap, but every once in a while Mamma would talk aloud to herself whenever she got stuck on a problem. This got old, real fuckin’ quick.

“So if X equals four, then… no, that doesn’t work either,” she said aloud. And she wasn’t mumbling either- she was speaking aloud as though she expected Satan to hop off his cock throne in Hell, claw his red ass up here, and slap her in the face with the answer of whatever the fuck “X” equals.

I know it seems like overreacting, but I need my beauty sleep. And being woken up just as I’m about to fall asleep is probably one of my biggest pet peeves. At least, it’s up there along with being broke.

So anyways, just as I was finally about to drift off into actual sleep, she spoke up again.

“No, that still doesn’t work! What the pluck am I doing wrong here?”

And without opening my eyes, I gave her my opinion on the matter.

“Oh for fucks sakes Ma, will you please shut the fuck up?”

I heard a loud thud and a gasp. My eyes shot open, and it finally occurred to me what the fuck I just did.

“Ah, I uhm… did I say that out loud?”

“OHMIGOSH OHMIGOSH OHMIGOOOOSH-” was what I heard as I was scooped up from my comfortable floor into Ma’s arms. She hugged me tight yelling “My baby already said her first words!”

Well, shit. Way I see it, cats out of the bag on this one. I was getting tired of pretending to be a mute, anyway. Shit was getting old.

“Alright, alright calm down. It’s not that big a deal,” I tried to convince her. But she would have none of it.

“I’m so proud of you, Leona! You’re such a smart lil’ hen!”

“I learn fast. What can I say?” I will admit, having my ego stroked like that is always welcome. That’s when I decided I’d put on a bit of a show for her.

“Alright, you can put me down now,” and she followed, giving me a kiss on the forehead. I ignored her continued coo-ing and walked straight to the fallen notebook. I set it up on the couch and struggled to climb up for a bit when Mamma decided to be useful and help me up.

“Awww, she wants to pretend to be like Mommy,” she nuzzled my cheek and I got to work.

Algebra. She was having trouble with algebra.

Fucks sake.

After a few minutes, I was able to work out the answer.

“X equals seven and Y equals nine.” It was at that moment that I realized that my mother wasn’t the brightest bulb. She had the audacity to giggle.

“Aww, sure it does, sweetie. Now scoot over- Mommy needs to finish her homework before we go to bed,” I facepalmed a bit harder than I meant to.

“No, you knucklehead. I’m serious. Plug the numbers and take a look,” I said, and her expression fell. She looked at it over and over before finally looking at me.

“You’re right… how did,”

“In fact, this entire page is wrong. Ugh, I’m gonna have to fix this… get me another piece of paper and a pencil.” she blinked with her mouth agape. After shaking her head, she fulfilled my request… and that’s how I became my mothers personal tutor.

It had actually been going pretty well, until halfway through Mamma started to sniff the air, and after a moment I began to smell it too. Despite being covered in feathers, my cheeks began to go red and I brought my wings up to cover them.

“Aww, did mommy’s little genius make a stinky?” and I just groaned.

“Oh for… do you really have to say it like that? This is humiliating enough as it is…”

“It’s adorable!”

“It’s embarrassing,” I retorted with crossed arms, but my pleas fell on deaf ears. As she carried me towards the bathroom I silently pouted, wondering if it was too late for round two on The Chair. I’ll even do it sober this time.

---

By the time we went to bed last night, it was about 10:30 and the side of my left hand was covered in what I hoped was graphite and not lead. Yes, I am left handed. Bite me.

But anyways, as you could imagine, I was decidedly unhappy to be woken up at six in the fuck-you AM.

“Leonaaa… we gotta get ready for schoooool…” Without even opening my eyes, I raised my arm and gave her the finger.

“Ohh, come on… that’s not very nice,” she said with a stern tone.

“Neither is waking up a baby… Ugh, care to explain why the fuck I’m awake?” She lifted me up by the nape of my neck and walked us down to the kitchen, setting me in a high chair.

“Now just because we can talk, doesn’t mean we can just say words like that.” she grabbed a jar of applesauce out of the cupboard and I just rolled my eyes.

“Uh-huh, sure thing. I’ll let you know when I’m capable of giving a fuck. Again, why the hell am I awake?”

Then I was startled by a loud thunk- the sound of Mamma literally and figuratively putting her foot down.

“Alright missy, I tried being nice, but apparently that’s not working.” I looked over and she was glaring at me as she opened the jar of applesauce with much more force than necessary- “If I continue to hear you using that kind of language, especially at me, I will NOT hesitate to tell Gramma.”

I opened my mouth to say something, but Mamma continued, “And Gramma will definitely not hesitate to wash your beak out with soap. You’re a very smart hen and I’m extremely proud of you, but that does not give you the right to disrespect me or anybody else. Do I make myself clear?” her glaring continued and my mind was a roaring thundercloud of emotions and feelings.

So many thoughts and feelings at once. The fucking audacity… The sheer fucking disrespect! Who the fuck does she think she is?! I oughta grab a knife myself and… and… Rage, betrayal, sadness, humiliation… regret.

All I could bring myself to do was look away and sniffle. “S… Sorry Mom…” I choked back a sob- and I don’t know why… I wanted to keep my cool, I wanted to roll my eyes and say fine, I’ll play by your rules. Whatever you want, boss… All I could do was lower my head and cry like a bitch.

“Oh, baby…” she scooped me up in her arms and I cried into her chest feathers as I babbled incoherently like a dipshit.

“I just want the best for you, you know.” I pulled back and looked up at her.

Sniffling, I said “I… I didn’t mean to upset you…” and she pulled me close.

“I’m not mad, baby. I just want you to respect others. Treat others the way you want to be treated. Is that so unreasonable?” I shook my head and sniffled one last time.

“Good to hear,” she said, giving me a warm smile as she set me back in my chair.

God… what came over me just now?

“Now to answer your question… I figured someone as smart as you was getting bored sitting around the house all day.” she said, stirring the applesauce with a spoon. “Am I wrong?”

No. No she was not. She grabbed a spoonful of applesauce, “Now… Here comes the train!” I rolled my eyes and opened my mouth.

“You do realize I can feed myself right? And while I agree with you… I’d rather word of me not get out." She set the applesauce and spoon in front of me, which I gladly took. “International attention is never a good thing,” I concluded, continuing with my breakfast.

Then Mamma turned to me with that look in her eyes. At that moment, I paused to reconsider. The more I thought about it, the more the offer seemed like the kind you can’t really refuse.

“Although… If you just pretend that I’m a normal baby, then I’d be fine with joining you. I’ll be honest, sitting around the house all day has grown quite old. Gramma ain’t exactly the talkative type, you know?” Mamma beamed at me.

“So… you’ll go with me?” I shrugged and nodded, and soon we were off. She put me in a little carrier sling that straps to her chest and we flew to the school, and I was left trying to figure out just what the fuck came over me earlier.

I mean, fuck. I can’t even remember the last time I cried as an adult.

Actually… actually, that would be a lie. I do remember the last time I cried, quite vividly in fact; after all, how could anyone possibly forget how it feels to be sentenced to death? That may just be the only death I ever cried for: my own.

But that’s all behind me, and I’d rather keep it that way.

After a 15 minute flight I saw the school and was once again baffled by it- it looked very similar to a modern looking high school, once again heavily contrasting the overall late medieval vibe of the city.

And of course, once we landed, all the girls just had to see the little baby. This was no problem, of course; I’m used to being surrounded by women who wanted a piece of me.

I mean, uh…

Anyways. The classes were separated into a few different periods, each with a different subject. Most of her classmates were amicable, and the staff seemed friendly enough- of course, there are always exceptions to any rule. The second period teacher, Mr Galloway, was a real sonofabitch, I tell you.

Mamma had just been sitting in her corner seat minding her own business when he walked in. Her and I had a nice setup; I would just sit in her lap so we both were able to see the room. Let me tell you- feathers are comfy as fuck.

“Miss Grimfeather?” I heard his voice before I saw him. You ever hear the tone of someone's voice and think damn, this guys an asshole. It was kind of like that, and he had the looks to match, being an average sized griffon with light feathers.

Mamma looked up cautiously.

“Y-yes Mr. Galloway?” that bastard had a smug look on his face, which I didn’t appreciate, and at the same time, all eyes in the classroom were on us.

“Would you care to explain why you’ve brought your mistake into class with you?” My eye twitched and my grip on the wooden desk tightened.

“Oh, I, uh-”

“Well don’t just stand there. Introduce her!” I could feel her heart pounding as she lifted me up and set me in the sling. I just sat there in silence, helpless as my mother began her catwalk towards probable humiliation.

“Hey, uh everyone. This is my daughter… Her name is Leona.” She was so quiet… The classroom looked mostly disinterested, aside from a few who were smirking amongst themselves.

“Congrats, Amelia,” I heard the Asshole speak up- “And who’s the lucky young cockerel, huh? Or do you not know who the father is?”

“W-well, I”

“Oh please, it could’ve been any one of us! She’s like a train; we’ve all ridden one at some point!” some kid blurted out, getting all the rest going. Mother just lowered her head.

“Alright, alright, that’s enough.” the teacher spoke up, though his smile never left his face.

“For the record, you all know damn well that her father is Hastur… and you all know just about as much as I do as to where he went.” I sort of felt conflicted. On one hand, I wanted to know more about my alleged father… But on the other, I wanted Mamma to step away from this fucking verbal firing squad.

“Probably left because he didn’t wanna raise a bastard. Happens all the time.” some preppy looking cunt said, and Mamma finally snapped.

“HE’LL BE BACK!” I glanced back to see mother looking angrier than I’ve ever seen her. Her face was red and her beak was gritting. Once again that feeling arose. Like an instinct, I wanted to bury myself in the pouch I was resting in- and Mom felt it too. She made her way back to her seat, cradling me against her chest.

Admittedly, I zoned out the rest of the day. Just like usual, my brain was constantly being overwhelmed with questions and overall new-ness. It’s as if the sapient brain was never meant to coincide with the period of life where the flesh of the mind is experiencing the experience of experiencing for the first time.

Wait. What?

“You know, you’re being awfully quiet, sweetie. Are you alright?” I looked up at her from the couch I was chilling on and blinked. When did we get back home?

“I’m… I’m fine. Just a lot on my mind, is all.” I just sat there in silence for a few seconds. Mamma began to say something, but I started first.

“Why do you let them treat you like that?” She sighed heavily and looked off to the side.

“Oh, sweetie…” she nervously glanced around. “Sometimes, good people just… have to put up with these things.” I crossed my arms.

“No. No, it’s not fair! You should fight back, hit them twice as hard!” my voice began to crack- after all, it all just felt so… futile.

“Sweetie… being a good person means that sometimes, you make sacrifices… If we fight them, then we’re no better.” she scooped me up into a tight hug. “I know it seems hard, but you’ll understand when you’re older.”

Talk about a cop out. Fine. I get it. But another question burned at my mind.

“Tell me about my father.” After a pause she sighed. Sitting me on the couch, she took her seat next to me.

“Well… he was quite handsome. Had your eyes, in fact.”

He was a new student, claiming he moved in from some place called Griffonstone. Hearing Mamma talk about him, I do think at least one of them was genuinely in love. Not that that matters, I suppose.

“He was so kind… and funny… so, so nice…” she sniffed and pulled me in for a hug- though probably for her own comfort more than anything else. “You would’ve liked him…” her entire body shuddered as she choked back a sob.

“What do you think happened to him?” Mothers grip tightened as she blurted out,

“I don’t know! No one knows…” she sniffled and sighed, “He just up and disappeared…

And it just hurts… we had plans! We were gonna have a future together, and, and…” she let out a deep sigh and sunk into the couch.

“Hastur, huh… I heard someone call him that?” that name sounded so familiar, yet I can’t put a finger on it… “And you have no idea what happened to him? Not a trace?”

Mother shook her head.

“Nothing. One day we were talking about how we were gonna move out and grow old together, and the next morning… sniff… I woke up… alone…”

From what I was gathering, my father is a deadbeat. A well mannered deadbeat… but still a deadbeat.

“You know what I think?” I asked my mother, her cocking an eyebrow in response. “Fuck ‘em.” her eyes widened and I quickly added, “I know I’m not supposed to swear but hear me out.”

“Look, I’m sure Hastar is… or was… a great guy. Maybe he would’ve been a great father. I don’t know.

But the fact of the matter is that he’s not here. I’ve never met him- but that doesn’t matter. Because you wanna know something?” I asked rhetorically and held my hand out. Mamma looked at me incredulously before taking my hand in hers.

“We’ve got each other. It’s you and I against the world, Mamma. What d’ya say?”

“But… but Gramma-”

“Is out drinking again. And you know as well as I do what’ll happen sooner or later if she keeps on boozin’ it up like this.” and Mamma looked at me in utter disbelief.

“You can’t just say-”

“Tell me I’m wrong.” she looked to the side, and muttered,

“No… you’re not wrong.” with a more stern look in her eye than before she said “But you’re not right, either. You can’t just say stuff like that, it’s… it’s not nice!”

I paused briefly. “Look… I’m sorry for putting it like that. It’s just…” my voice began to crack a little. “You’re the best mother I’ve ever had, alright? I care about you.” Of course, she would never know what I meant by best I’ve ever had. I was cool with that. Aside from that, it’s not like the bar was set high for me in the first place.

“You gotta let him go.” I grabbed her hand once more, “I want you to promise me you’ll always be around…”

Just then my eyes shot open- and I was taken back to a memory I’d rather forget…

---

I was 10 years old when it happened.

“Ma, I’m home!” I remember yelling into the house as I passed the doorway. Immediately, I knew something was amiss. All the furniture was fucking gone. Even the pictures on the well left faint imprints of the frame that was there.

Had there been a burglary? The door was locked and I didn’t notice any signs of forced entry. Naturally, the whole situation creeped me out- I even grabbed the pocket knife I kept in my shoe, as if that would be enough to stop any would-be killer.

Slowly I crept through the house, checking all the rooms and confirming that they were all empty. Then I stopped in my room.

All my belongings were unmoved from where I left them this morning- except for the hastily scrawled note left on my bed.

---

I took in a deep, shuddering breath. “Please…” I spoke barely above a whisper. “Don’t leave me.” I clamped my eyes shut to stop the tears. Mamma held me close.

“Don’t worry, baby. Mamma’s here for you.”

I know words are just words, but… something about that just felt so soothing.

She just sat there, cradling me for what felt like hours as I drifted off to sleep.
And I still don’t know what keeps coming over me!

Land Of Confusion

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Ever since I started going to school with Mamma, I’ve slowly come to realize the limits of my literal baby brain. I’ve been forgetting things- often not long after I’ve learned them. Entire portions of the day are like a blackout where you snap back to reality doing something else entirely.

Hell, that’s basically how Gramma realized I was intelligent; I basically forgot that she wasn’t supposed to know, and I started jotting down notes in the living room. Boy, that was a fun conversation.

Anyways, on to the point I’m trying to make- I’m fucking terrified. I keep overwhelming myself with information and forgetting it soon after; so I’ve endeavored to just write everything down. This process took several months and counting. But I think I’ve gotten all the relevant information written down.

Okay, so the planet I inhabit is commonly referred to as Equus. It is home to two distinct continents.

Equestria is a continent inhabited almost exclusively by ponies, though there does exist sapient bison, Yaks, and some creature called a changeling as well. From what I’ve read ponies, unicorns especially, are particularly attuned to the ambient magic of this planet. At first I thought all the magic was just legend and superstition… Until Mamma took me out flying. She landed on a cloud and I about had a fucking conniption! Then she took me to a local sweet shop owned by a couple of unicorns, and imagine my shock when the clerk just casually floated a lollipop my way! As if Newton wasn’t spinning in his grave at the mere concept!

But enough of that nonsense. By comparison, the continent of Fellrock feels much more grounded in reality. It lies directly east of Equestria, and is home to Griffons, Minotaurs, Dragons (sort of), and Diamond Dogs. Yes, that’s what they are called.

I wish I was joking.

In the northern hemisphere of Fellstone lies The Griffonian Confederacy of Kingdoms, or The Confederacy. It is a mass of five disconnected but allied states. Each state has their own ruler, laws, and customs. In the event of national issues, they host a moot to resolve any issues. This prevents infighting and facilitates trade between the kingdoms.

Due to a distinct lack of bullshit magic, the Griffons have spearheaded many technological advancements. Most homes in major cities have electric lighting and gas cookware, trains connect all the major cities, and factory jobs have begun to encroach on the smaller cottage industries. All powered by good, clean, Griffonian coal.

As a side note, I feel it important to mention that firearms technology… doesn’t exist. That’s right; we’re still using spears, swords, bows, and armor. But no guns. Bah, I’m getting distracted again.

You may be wondering where all the coal comes from. Well maybe not; but I think it’s interesting. The mountainous regions to the north and south are rich with coal and gem deposits. But you see griffons, understandably, do not like the underground.

Diamond Dogs have no such qualms. In fact, they love being underground. You see, they are partial Lithovores- that is, they can somehow get nutrients and survive mainly on gems and minerals. Somehow. I won’t even pretend to understand the biology behind it. But that’s unimportant.

What is important is the fact that Griffons and Dogs have a sort of uneasy alliance. We allow their clans to mine out whatever minerals they want from our mountains, so long as they meet our coal quotas. And they can keep their gems, though some do wind up sold back to the griffons for jewelry purposes, as well as gold and copper.

This is… troubling. In all the books I’ve had time to read so far, none of them mention just how unsustainable this is. Whether from willful ignorance or just sheer stupidity, I don’t know. One thing’s for certain is the fact that there is definitely a powder keg situation here- the question is not a matter of if, but a matter of when the house of cards falls.

And this is coupled with the fact that historical relations between the Griffons and the Diamond Dog Clans have rarely ever been amicable. Though past decades have created diplomatic relations in leaps and strides, a deep feeling of resentment remains. After all, it is hardly uncommon to hear Dogs referred to as “mutts” or “hideous beasts,” after all.

Honestly? I’m inclined to agree with the overall sentiment. I never liked dogs- they’re noisy, clumsy, smell bad and are just dumb overall. Am I biased? Abso-fuckin-lutely I’m biased; I was scared of dogs as a little girl and I definitely don’t like them nowadays. Cats are the far superior animal by a mile. They’re quiet, contemplative, and majestic creatures. I think Lovecraft said it best. “The dog appeals to cheap and facile emotions; the cat to the deepest founts of imagination and cosmic perception in the human mind.”

Don’t ask what his cat's name was.

Fuck me, where was I…

Ah yes.

The Confederacy itself is divided into 5 individual kingdoms, each with their own laws, customs, and culture. The land is split relatively evenly; Nalot to the northwest; Northumbria to the northeast; Catlus to the southwest; Corvyn to the southeast; and Fertilia in the middle, where I was born. Featherworth just so happens to be the capital.

Initially I described Featherworth as medieval and this was only partially correct. Upon closer inspection, some of the more industrial districts have a sort of architecture that seemed to be a schizophrenic mix of Soviet brutalism and Victorian gothic; hard edges and hostile architecture mixed with the wrought-iron splendor of the industrial age, all in heavy contrast with the housing districts and the classic gray stone castle in the center.

All this industrialism does beg the question; when will some fucker invent nukes? Only time will tell, I suppose. Hell, who knows what sorts of war crimes the future holds?

Here's a rough drawing of how the land is laid out.

---

“Still writing, sweetie?” Mom sat next to me while I was lying prone on the floor writing. She began to nuzzle my cheek and I shut my eyes with a faint smile. Let me tell you- having a mother who genuinely gives a fuck?

Best fuckin feeling in the world.

She draped her wing around me and to be honest- the only time I ever got this sense of safety is when I’m carrying a loaded revolver. It felt as though all the problems in the world would be solved by my guardian angel- but rather than cold iron, it was my mother’s warm embrace.

I glanced up at the clock and noticed the time- Mamma must have just gotten home from school. Due to the aforementioned memory issues, I had been going with her less frequently- but still did join her occasionally.

“Nap time?” she said, and I looked at her and smiled.

“Yes, please.” she giggled and lifted me onto her back.

“I can walk by myself, you know?” The tiredness in my voice was quite evident.

“I know.” I just shrugged. Fair enough, I suppose.

I laid flat on the bed and she rolled up next to me- basically how we were sitting on the floor downstairs- with her wing draped over my back like a blanket. I was getting comfy and mom began to sing softly.

You are my sunshine… my only sunshine…

As I closed my eyes, I wondered just what I did to deserve this.

You make me happy… when skies are gray…

I mean, I lived a shitty life. And it’s not like I regret anything I did, either.

You’ll never know, dear, how much I love you…

Who knew eternal damnation would come with the love and care of a mother that I missed out on the first time around?

Please don’t take my sunshine away.

“I love you, Mamma.” I smiled contentedly, and she sniffled.

“I love you too, sweetie. I love you too.”

If this is Hell, I don’t wanna go to Heaven.

Saturday In The Park

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It had been 8 years now. Not much has changed, really. I’d been growing, obviously- my memory issues were long a thing of the past. I’d regained control of all my… faculties… God, I still cringe over that. I’d stopped going to school with Mamma and eventually started homeschooling myself. I mean, shit. Not like there’s anything better to do.

Meanwhile, Mamma long since graduated high school and moved on to college- says she plans to make something of herself. Says she wants to be a doctor- good for her, in all honesty. In retrospect, I probably could’ve become a surgeon or something to satisfy my apparent bloodlust. Hah, yeah right.

And as for Gramma… Well, it doesn’t matter. I never really got too attached to her in the same way I did with Mamma. I mean, she does love us, that much is evident, but… most of the time she's so drunk she's barely functional. I have the feeling that if shit hits the fan, she’d prioritize the liquor over us.

Anyways, my birthday was a week ago. Today, I was just out and about, lazily flying around the city. And lemme tell you; flying has to be the coolest shit ever! I was zooming around in the sky, cloak flapping in the wind, doing all sorts of flips and barrel rolls, narrowly avoiding(mostly) other fliers and obstacles. It was midday, and the skies were abuzz with griffons flying about- as well as a couple pegasi.

Looking at the crowd of fliers, I found what I was looking for: some schmuck with a sack of gold hanging loosely off his hip.

Wait, that sounded wrong. To put it bluntly, I was gonna pickpocket him.

Oh come on, am I really the asshole here? I’m just some kid looking to buy herself lunch. Not that we didn’t have the food at home, of course. But pickpocketing someone while flying at high speeds?

Fun as fuck.

Flying past the guy, I lightly grazed his side.

“Hey, watch it!” he yelled as I flew away- but I had already won. I flew around for a bit before finding a park bench to settle at.

“Now, what have we got here?” I mumbled to myself as I opened the drawstring, counting out a solid 30 bits. Not enough to make me rich, but enough to pay for a couple lunches at least. But that’s not what this would be going towards, no siree. Well, I still was gonna get food, my stomach reminded me. Just something quick and cheap.

There was a pawnshop with a piece in particular that I’d been interested in for awhile. A short steel dagger- perfect for either stabbing or slashing- and one which I could easily conceal under my cloak. I don’t know why I felt the urge to buy it- I’d all but sworn off going back to running hits- but it just felt comfy to me. It’s like walking around the house without clothes on- Yeah, it’s perfectly acceptable, but unless I’m blind drunk it just feels wrong.

Well, as a human, anyway. Clothing is very much optional in this society. I only wore the cloak because the black fabric and gold hemming looks great on me and I refuse to go without pockets.

I put the dagger into the saddlebags concealed by my cloak and spotted my next target.

Or smelled, rather.

“Vito!” I yelled and waved to the local vendor. The old man spotted me and waved back with a warm smile, and my heart sank; he was packing up to go home. He noticed my expression immediately.

“Aww, what’s got you lookin so glum?” I approached the stand and my stomach rumbled.

“Not even gonna lie, I was gettin hyped for one of your porchetta sandwiches. I take it you're all sold for the day?” To my surprise, he gave a hearty laugh.

“Ehh, I’d knew you’d be around, Lee-” he opened his cart back up and pulled out a perfectly done porchetta sandwich wrapped in foil. My eyes lit up in anticipation and my stomach, once again, demanded input.

“Ayy, I’ve been dyin’ for one of these!” My grin threatened to split my face when I asked-

“How much I owe?” Vito just waved his hand in a dismissive gesture.

“Bah, it’s on the house, kid. Best I can do for my most loyal customer!” he gave a hearty laugh, as he often does- the jolly old man.

“You’re the best, Vito. Seriously.” I took a bite of my sandwich and immediately nodded my approval. It was a simple meal- chopped porchetta and two slices of fresh bread. But the meat, bursting with flavor from the herbs, spices, and smoking process made it feel like my taste buds were having an orgasm.

Christ, imagine if I was brought back as a pony- I wouldn’t be able to enjoy this stuff! I shudder to imagine living my life on a diet of fruits, vegetables, grain, and flowers. I’d probably snap.

After inhaling my lunch, I noticed him having trouble throwing the bag of bits on his cart.

“Hold on, Vito, lemme give you a hand with that stuff. It’s the least I can do.” He smiled and nodded, and I threw the bag of coins onto my back and wondered why we haven’t moved on to paper money yet.

“You really give an old man hope for the future generations. Never change that about you.” And of course, Vito was hardly a stranger. Gramma used to drink with him a lot before he sobered up, and she’d bring me along occasionally.

We made our way back to his place, with him having hitched up the cart behind him- which was a lot lighter than you’d think.

What, did you really think I was gonna rob him? I’m not a fucking animal. Just an opportunist.

Thankfully the trek wasn’t long. I set the loot down in the living room and used my cloak to wipe the sweat off my brow. I heard the creek of his chair, him having wasted no time at all to relax.

“Murial, I’m home!” he yelled. Murial, or Auntie as I called her, yelled in response-

“I’ll be out in a minute, dear!”

I looked over to Vito. “Hey, mind if I hang out for a bit?” He nodded with a warm smile and I wasted no time in hanging up my pack and cloak, hopping up onto the ancient couch.

The kitchen door swung open, revealing an older looking woman.

“How was to- Oh my!” she noticed me immediately and rushed in for a hug as though I would disappear if she didn’t reach me on time.

“Hey auntie!” She kissed me on the cheek and took a seat next to me.

“You’ve grown since I last saw you! How old are you now?” she tilted her head in curiosity.

“Eight years old!” I answered pridefully, as though it were an achievement worth noting. It’s odd, really- I had the mentality of a kid, but the cold and calculating intelligence of a fully grown psychopath.

We basically spent awhile making small talk and shooting the shit until Vito asked a particular question.

“How’s… How’s Gramma doing?” On an unrelated note, everyone seems to call her Gramma. eight years and I still don’t know her real name. Back on topic, my grin shrank a little.

“Not so good, these days. The liquor’s really been taking its toll, and I can tell.” I took a sip from the glass of apple juice Auntie gave me earlier and continued- “At this point, I’m afraid that she’s in too deep. If the booze doesn’t get her, the withdrawals definitely will. Remember how bad yours were? You at least didn’t start boozing until the afternoon.” I let out a sigh.

“And in all honesty, I don’t think I’ve ever seen her not drunk.” It really was a shame. Auntie spoke up next-

“Well if anything… I hope that teaches you a good lesson about the dangers of alcohol. I mean, look at her- she’s only in her 60s and looks 30 years older than that.”

“True that-” I replied- “You gotta wish her the best, but… but sometimes, you gotta prepare for the worst, you know?” I took another swig of juice and Vito said-

“That’s… very mature for someone your age.” I just shrugged. Murial pitched in-

“Ohh, enough of this sad conversation! We oughta celebrate life while it’s still around.” she gave me a warm smile and asked “how’s your mother doing?”

“Doing great, more or less-”

And we just chatted and chilled out until it was getting a bit late. So, I bid my farewell- after all, Ma would be home soon. I tossed on my cloak and bag and headed home- but not before once again expressing my thanks.

Besides that, it was almost time for dinner! My stomach growled in anticipation, wondering what Gramma made to eat tonight. It was pretty routine- I’d spend the day out and about the city and make it just in time for dinner. I hope she made hot sausage…

My stomach growled in anticipation as I opened the door- and felt an odd sense of deja vu.

“I’m home!” I yelled out… and received no answer. I felt a pit form in my stomach.

“Mamma?” I yelled out, looking into the kitchen- no one was there. Next I tried Grammas room- and found no one.

I looked at the room that Mother and I shared. My hand trembled fiercely as I reached for the knob- I just didn’t want to open it. I didn’t want to know what awaited me- whether it be Mamma or another hastily scrawled note.

Then I heard a sound that was music to my ears- the front door! I bolted down the stairs like a madwoman and threw myself at my mother.

“Mamma! Where’ve you been?” but my smile fell when I looked at her face. Her red and puffy eyes had indicated she’d been crying for quite awhile. She lead me over to the couch and told me to sit down with her. I pulled her in for a hug.

“It’s Gramma, isn’t it?”

I did my best to comfort Mamma. I just felt relieved that I hadn’t been abandoned again.

For the last 8 years, I’d been living the good life.

I was just about to get a reminder of how easily it can all be taken away.

Breakin' The Law

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When Gramma died, it was to the shock of no one, yet it was a tragedy to many. Especially Mamma- I think she took it the worst. She was full on ugly crying at the funeral and was barely holding back tears the rest of the day. All I could do was try my best to comfort her- but I never really was any good at all this “empathy” stuff. I just let her hold me as long as she needed.

I didn’t cry at the funeral. I’ve never cried for a single death but my own, and I wasn’t about to start now.

Truth be told, I wish I could say that was the worst thing to happen to Mamma and I.

Not a week later I was just chilling out on a park bench, drinking coffee and reading the newspaper where I realized that things were gonna get interesting.

The main picture headline: Celestia’s Sister Returns From 1000 Year Banishment! But I didn’t give a shit about that.

What concerns me is the second article: Diamond Dog Clans Begin To Strike!

The gist of it is that they believe that the griffons have been demanding higher and higher coal quotas- which we have- and are beginning to strike because they feel like they’re getting fucked- which they are. I won’t deny that much and quite frankly, I couldn’t give less of a shit about the mutts or their woes.

But there’s definitely the threat of an economic recession, or worse, depression on the table all because some uppity mutts aren’t appreciative of the fact that we let them mine in our land. And eat the gems found on our land.

If you’re not sure why this is a major problem, let me spell it out; coal powers most of the economy. Factories rely on it for their machinery, people depend on it for electricity, heating, and cooking, and griffons have come to rely on trains so much that many of the unpopular roads have begun to overgrow or have been overrun by brigands.

So basically; no coal? No economy. Unless we were to attempt to open griffon run mines, which I doubt would work; the average griffon would rather start a full blown war with the dogs than go down in a mine. It’s just against our nature. But fighting definitely isn’t, typically.

But from what I can tell, most of the other clans are still being reasonable. But the problem is the domino effect this will all create- what’s stopping the rest from striking?

I let out a sigh. This was all bound to happen eventually- I figured that years ago. At this moment, I really wished I had a cigarette. But alas- I finished my coffee, tossed the cup and flew straight home, black cloak flittering in the wind.

“Ma! Where you at? Stuff’s boutta go down!” I yelled as I passed the door, heading towards the kitchen.

The scene I walked into was… concerning. Mom was sitting at the table, head in both hands slumped over some mail. She glanced up and gestured for me to take a seat. I did as asked and sat across from her, sliding the newspaper over.

“Second article. Trade ya papers.” she did as I asked, and I took a glance at exactly what has her so fucked up.

A bank statement…
…
…
…
“WHAT IN THE FUCK?!... ah, excuse my language.”

“Sweetie… I’ll let it slide. I said the same exact thing.” she didn’t even look up from the paper, but she still had that hollow look in her eyes.

We were down to a measly 400 bits. 400! For context, rent was 100 bits a month- not including utilities, food, insurance, and God knows what else. I was concerned before, but I was legitimately scared now.

“But… But Gramma said she had money!” I was in utter disbelief; I was led to believe that Gramma had an ample enough retirement fund so that when she died, Mamma would have to pick up a side job, but we would still be able to live comfortably.

Evidently, Mom fell for the same prank. She was still staring intently at the newspaper, I hopped off my chair to get something important out of the cabinet.

Rotgut Whiskey- 138 Proof.

I yanked the cork and filled two shot glasses. One for Mamma and one for I. We were gonna need it.

“Drink up.” I slammed back the shot and cringed heavily, wondering how the Hell Gramma could guzzle this stuff like water. Mother just looked at me with those same tired eyes.

“That’s not good for you, you know.” She attempted to put on a stern face, but ultimately failed.

“I know. Drink.” She sighed and slammed back the shot- and immediately regretted it, coughing and sputtering from the burn and rushing to the fridge for a chaser. After quaffing half a bottle of apple juice she looked at me with concern.

“How did you…” I just laughed heartily. Shit, I was feeling half lit already. Slowly, her frown broke into a smile and she started cracking up with me.

After we calmed down we sat back in our seats.

“Alright. We’re gonna need a plan.” Mamma nodded in agreement.

“So, our two main problems right now are lack of money to reasonably continue living in this house.” I began, and Mom nodded in agreement. “We gotta downsize, obviously. But we also need to make a good bit of loot, fast. And one of us is gonna need a job or two.” I looked towards Mother and she gave a dejected sigh.

“I’m gonna have to drop out… aren’t I?” I nodded.

“For now, at least. But I ain’t gonna be a deadbeat, neither.” she cocked an eyebrow and I began to elaborate.

“During the day I can pull some small-time stuff- pickpocketing, begging rackets, cigarette reselling… no, scratch that. Can’t buy cigarettes.” Mothers jaw dropped and she began to sputter.

“Wha… No! No, you can’t do that!” I cocked an eyebrow, reaching into my cloak and tossing a bag of bits across the table.

“25 bits. Nicked off some guy this morning.” I gave a smirk, “What did you think I was up to all the time? Playing at the park?” After a few seconds, Mom let out a heavy sigh and buried her head in her hands.

“I… am such a terrible mother…” she mumbled to herself.

“Bullshit.” I slammed a fist into the table- “A terrible mother would be blind drunk, beating her kid with no intention of sobering up by this point. Way I see it, I’m already in too deep to stop regardless, and it’s a game of us vs them.” mom spoke up-

“But… but what about them! They’ve got lives too! They might have kids to feed, too!”

“And I got myself to feed. As do you.”

She opened her mouth to retort, then clamped it shut.

“Tell me I’m wrong.” she sighed heavily, head drooping low.

“You’re not wrong. But you’re not right, either. Not by a mile… but you’re not wrong… Just… promise me you’ll stay safe? I don’t want you getting arrested, or worse…”

“I promise, Mamma. ‘Sides- cops won’t arrest an eight year old. Most likely they’ll take me to you and ask if you knew I was up to no good. And in that situation, act shocked and make it seem like there’ll be Hell to pay for me.” Mamma sat there in silence before glancing off to the side.

“You know, sometimes I forget you’re only eight. Fine. Just please be careful?” I just gave a chuckle.

“Ma, I’ve been doing this for years. I’m a professional.”

“Somehow that’s not very comforting… So what is cigarette reselling?” she hesitantly asked and I began to explain.

“So, cigarette reselling is a classic case of supply and demand. For the teenage smoker population, the supply is nonexistent- so demand is always high. And for the broke and destitute smokers who can’t afford a whole pack, you can sell them individual smokes a bit cheaper. Of course, you can do the same with booze, but there’s somewhat less demand for that overall.”

Mom nodded slowly.

“So what you’d do is buy me a carton of smokes, and I’ll redistribute them at a small profit. Of course, we’d need to buy the smokes first and that can be a costly investment, especially if you have things like competition to consider.”

Mom rubbed the bridge of her beak.

“Ok… ok, I don’t wanna hear any of this anymore.”

“It’s friggin greasy, isn’t it? Well, way I see it, life gets greasy sometimes. But either way, you just leave the greasework to me.”

“Fine… fine. I suppose I couldn’t stop you either way.”

“Nope. Now, we gotta figure something quick and easy to make some loot.” I tapped my chin a few times. “How good is the insurance policy on this house?”

“If the next sentence out of your beak has to do with either insurance fraud or arson, you will not leave your room for a week.” I clamped my mouth shut, able to recognize that I was on thin fucking ice right now.

“Point taken…” I snapped my fingers and pointed at her. “Grammas liquor stash. Please tell me you didn’t get rid of it.” There was a brief pause.

“Gramma had a liquor stash?”

“In the cellar. You didn’t know?” she just shook her head.

“Either way, I’ll sell that stuff off for a quick buck. I don’t know how profitable I can make it, but we’re just recouping our losses at that point. Heck, even if it’s for a cheap price, there’s a lot of the stuff." Mom started to rub her temples.

“Things… are gonna get interesting.” she poured herself another shot and knocked it back, taking it a bit easier now that she knew what to expect from it.

“None for me?” she stopped and opened her mouth… then closed it, pouring two more shots.

“First, let’s go over the plan.” she said, sliding the shot my way.

“I’m gonna drop out of college for now and try to find a job. Sooner the better, before the economy starts really tanking.” I nodded.

“Meanwhile, I’ll sell off the liquor and pull small-time stuff. Also, I’ll keep my ears open for prices on apartments around here. Worst case scenario, we can settle in the rookeries.” I lifted my glass.

“To narrowly avoiding poverty.” Mother nodded and we both knocked our drinks back.

Things… just might work out after all. Long as we play our cards right, we should stay above the red.

Hopefully.

---

Ever since Mamma moved into Grammas old room… I’ll be honest. I had difficulties falling asleep. Something about her not being there with me deeply disturbed me- and I’m not entirely sure why.

I woke up in a place wholly unfamiliar to me. Before me was an ancient stone edifice like none I’d ever seen before- A wall of gold stood high before me with a backdrop of bright skies with dark stars, with a sun and moon next to each other. Behind me was a vast lake of black water which reeked to high heavens and the wind carried the smell of rot and decay. Upon closer inspection- the lake wasn’t full of water.

It was full of corpses, bloated and bursting like they’d been drowned.

I’d seen death plenty of times before, but… something about that made me want to get far away. I flew over the high wall- and sucked in a gasp of air as I reached the crest. It was a massive city- bigger than any I’d ever seen before in my life- past or current. The place was filled with golden towers with black roofs, and the air itself seemed to hold a yellow haze.

“HELP!” Oh shit, Mamma!

I ran towards the screaming and I literally gasped at what I saw-

“Help, Leona!” she yelled, two giant winged demons playing tug of war with her body.

“Shitshitshit, I’m coming!” I bolted towards her without a plan- I’ll think of one on the fly. I’m good at that.

Just as I was almost there, I saw Mom’s eyes widen- and a wet crunch.

“NO!” I yelled, lying in bed drenched in sweat. I was clutching an old ragdoll- a gift I got from Gramma a long time ago- for comfort. I jumped out of bed, silently creeping towards Mamma’s room.

The door opened slowly with a creak.

“Mamma?” she stirred in bed and got up, looking at me with half lidded eyes.

“I had a bad dream… Can I sleep in here tonight?” She chuckled, scooting over and patting the spot next to her.

“Of course, sweetie.” It was just like the old days when she would come home from school and we’d both take a nap together- she even still draped her wing over me, and I did the same to my dolly.

Laying my chin on the pillow, my mind burned with… guilt?

“Mamma?” she replied with a simple hmm?

“Are you mad at me? About earlier? About what I do when you’re not around?” After a few moments of dread, she sighed.

“Honey, I’m not mad, just… disappointed. I just thought I raised you better than that.”

You know, I’ve been shot, stabbed, burned, bludgeoned, teeth pulled, had bones broken… even had my femur broken once. Sheer, blinding pain that not even hard liquor could fix.

None of it even compares to how much hearing those words hurt. I just began to sob into the pillow and Mamma pulled me in tight as a result.

“I j-just… just want to do what’s best for us…” I managed to squeak out.

“Ohhh, honey… It’s alright. Just…” she was at a loss for words. So she sighed.

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine.

She sang me that sweet, nostalgic lullaby, and soon my tears slowed.

“I just don’t want anything to happen to us…” I sniffled, and Mamma spoke up.

“I don’t agree with what you do. Not one bit. Yet… sigh, just please stay safe? Promise?” I sniffed and nodded weakly.

In a way, I think we both felt powerless; I, from my own nature and Mother, and her inability to inhibit my nature.

But no matter what, I’ll always be there for her.

"I love you, Mamma."

"I love you too, baby."

Hard Times, Come Again No More

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After a couple months, it was just as I’d predicted eight fucking years ago. Featherworth, along with much of The Confederacy, looked like 1929 Part Two: Electric Boogaloo. The sequel no one wanted, nor did anyone ask for. Damn near overnight everything went from bad to worse as more and more of the mutts decided to quit working for us. Many of us griffons were just trying to recoup our losses- and a few were calling for all-out war.

Let me explain why that wouldn’t work- Diamond Dogs live underground, and can tunnel like worms. If you advance a squad of troops on them with nothing but melee weapons, our main way of fighting, all they have to do is tunnel underground and reappear behind our lines- and we’d either have to fight, or fly into a better position. Trying to fight them inside their tunnels would be suicide, too; all they’d have to do is collapse the dirt on our heads, corner us like rats, pick us off one by one, what have you- Say what you will about the beasts, but they make excellent guerilla fighters.

That’s why historically, until the last few centuries, they were our sworn enemies; many of their clans would use this to their advantage and subsist off brigandry. I remember reading in a history book that sometimes entire villages would get slaughtered overnight by highland raiding parties.

So, essentially, we were fucked outta luck. Unless we were to make appeasement deals with the mutts (fuck that), there’s not a whole lot we can do but hope for better times. I just hope the monarchy has the foresight to invest in hydroelectricity as an alternative.

Thankfully, Mom and I both saw the shit-writing on the wall. Our survival plan has been working quite nicely for us, all things considered; we still had a roof over our heads and could keep ourselves fed. The same couldn’t be said for many, sadly.

On any given day while walking down the street, these sights aren’t too uncommon: An old wife crying her eyes out while her husband boards up the shop which their family had operated for decades. Parents and their children with nothing to their name begging for whatever scraps you may be willing to spare, their emaciated bodies and hollow eyes making even the most jaded fuckers feel pity for them. Monarchy-owned breadlines stretching on for miles. All the normal hallmarks of economic depression, really. Hell, even Vito is having trouble keeping his Porchetta stand out of the red- after all, his pool of buyers was getting shallower and shallower by the day. Shit, that’s probably the biggest tragedy out of all of this.

I’m just saying, if Vito quits then I riot.

But either way, it’s like I always say; just avoid eye contact and keep moving.

Of course, Mom and I weren’t much better off.

We’d moved closer to the industrial district, where the housing is cheap and shitty. Thin walls, no hot water, and due to electricity rationing, barely any electric lighting. We were lucky to still have a gas stove. The amount of times I’ve been woken up at midnight by some neighbor couple arguing makes me wanna go postal.

The apartment building we lived in was called Blackbird Rookery. The irony of the name was not lost upon me. Despite the economic troubles, the various buildings down this street had the same odd mix of soviet brutalism and victorian gothic, with hostile square angles decorated with dark red brickwork and sharp, wrought iron fencing and grating. The architecture, much like the griffons themselves, was an odd chimera that just didn’t make a whole lot of sense, but somehow was able to function.

Yeah it sucked living here, but it had fuckin aesthetic.

Even inside our apartment looked straight out of Soviet Russia in decoration with ornate carpets hanging on the walls to muffle sound and an overall minimalist vibe, combined with the technology of the early industrial age.

All the meanwhile, Fertilia’s cuisine is basically Italian food (lucky for me) and we all spoke English, or Common as it’s called.

It was as if Griffon culture itself were a chimera.

But anyways, back on topic. Our little apartment had a livingroom, a tiny kitchen, a bathroom, and a bedroom. One bedroom. Personally, I was fine with it, but Mom was a little bummed out that she didn’t have her own room anymore. We at least slept on separate beds, though. Meanwhile, the only window was in the kitchen, meaning that we mainly used lanterns to save on electricity, at the risk of burning down the entire city block.

Gotta do what ya gotta do.

Just like most mornings, I woke up to the sound of our alarm blaring at six in the morning. I yawned, stretched, and cracked my neck, hitting the alarm off. Getting out of bed, I went over and nuzzled Mom on the cheek.

“You gotta get up, Mamma. I’m about to start breakfast.” she turned to me with a faint smile, nuzzling my cheek as she began to rise out of bed.

Somehow, she managed to find two jobs- one in the morning working as an ER nurse, and one in the evening working as a clerk for a grocery chain. Poor girl was being worked to the bone, so I did what I could to make things easier for her- cooking, cleaning, shopping, what have you. Between the chump change she was making and the loot I made hustling, we were decently above the red, thank fuck.

She doesn’t talk about work too much, but I can sort of guess what’s happening during her morning shift- after all, it doesn’t take a genius to spot all the opium junkies half dead in the streets.

For this reason, I always kept my dagger within arms reach concealed under my cloak.

While she showered, I turned on the stove and started our breakfast- each of us got an egg served on a slice of buttered toast, and I made a pot of the cheapest, shittiest coffee money could buy- after all, it was purely for the caffeine anyway. It’s like liquor- drink it fast enough and you won’t even taste it.

It was cheap, easy, and quick- just like my ex.

Wait. What?

Occasionally if I was feeling extra, I’d use the ingredients to make Prench toast instead, sprinkling a little cinnamon on top. Not this morning, however; but I was planning a surprise for mom tonight. I was making a bit more than I expected these past couple days, so I thought I’d splurge on dinner a bit.

Mainly to keep us from going crazy.

Due to the lack of a dining room, we both sat on the couch together and ate our breakfast, Mamma wrapping her wing around me while I leaned against her. We mostly ate in silence, and once finished, we both grabbed our cups of coffee.

“Ready?” I asked her. She nodded in response, and we both immediately slammed back the mugs of lukewarm coffee. The bitter, shitty taste left both of us gritting our beaks and cringing terribly, and I was pounding a fist against the arm of the couch.

“Whew, that was good, huh?” Mom said after we calmed down. We both immediately started cracking up at the sheer fucked-ness of everything.

“You’re the best daughter a hen could ask for, you know that?” she wrapped her wing around me and pulled me closer, and I just snorted in response.

“I wouldn’t go that far. I’m just trying to not be a deadbeat, you know?” I got a response in the form of a wing lightly slapping me in the back of the head.

“Bullcrap. Without you, I’d be homeless right now.” I cocked an eyebrow at this, and before I could ask her to elaborate, she said-

“That day I got that bank statement in the mail, I felt like my world was ending. I felt like I was at a crossroad and stood there frozen, not a plucking clue where to go from there.

“You were the one who came home and told me to pull myself together. You gave me confidence that we could make it, despite the apparent impending doom. This whole plan was because of you.” I looked up at her, and instead of seeing the stern face like I was expecting, I saw a grin.

“So when I say you’re the best daughter ever, I mean it. And if I hear you deflect another compliment like that, so help me I will ground you for a pluckin week.” My smile widened, and my eyes began to water.

“Even… Even though I…” she saw where I was going and said,

“Honey, no matter what you do, I will never take back that compliment. From the bottom of my heart, from the bottom of my soul, you mean the world to me. I mean it.”

“Thanks, Mamma.” My voice cracked as a tear… I mean, droplet of pure badassery ran down my cheek and I went in for a hug, wrapping my arms around her and enjoying the warm comfort provided by her feathers.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, damnit. I’ll scream it to the Heavens at the top of my lungs if I have to;

If this is Hell, then I really don’t want to go to Heaven.

---

Mom left not long after, giving me a peck on the cheek and instructing me to keep safe. After a while, I went into our room and grabbed my saddlebags a cloak- this time choosing a bright, xanthous yellow one that matched my eyes wonderfully. And of course, my dagger was strapped under my forearm where it’d be difficult to see. And for the final touch- A pair of dark sunglasses that obscured my eyes- after all, there’s not too many griffons with the same pattern of feathers and bright golden eyes; but there were plenty with black feathers and a gray ass.

I know it’s redundant to pick a cloak that matches my eyes, only to cover them back up. Frig off.

All dressed up, I grabbed my sack of supplies- eight cartons of cigarettes, freshly picked from a delivery wagon that uhh… they hit a bump in the road and they fell out the back. Lucky me. A couple cartons of Marelboro’s and a few cartons of Humpbacks- or, reds and greens, respectively.

It was a decent gig. Whenever I could I’d replenish my supply and pay some urchins chump change to spread the word to trustworthy folks.

All set to make a profit, I went out the window, situated on the third floor, making sure to lock it behind me. That was another interesting thing about griffon architecture- windows could be locked and unlocked from the outside, and often had a short perch for landing.

You know, since we can fly.

I made my way to the spot I had scoped out, near a shantypark that was quiet, secluded, and out of the hot sun. An associate of mine was already waiting, some blue feathered chucklefuck that was a few years older than me. I think his name might have been Gaius, or something ridiculous to that effect.

“Hey, boss.” Rule number one of doing sketchy shit- don’t let your associates know your name if you can avoid it.

Wordlessly, I handed him a pack of greens. He already knew what to do- go around town and let those in the know that I’m selling “henscout cookies.” He fucked off with his payment, and now came the waiting game.

Hood still up, I pulled up a mat for me to sit on while I waited for business. I couldn’t help but smile from all the nostalgia- after all, I did this shit all the time after the Don got me out of a life sentence. Started with small-time pennyjobs, then worked my way up to becoming Caporegime of the execution squad.

Ah, but those days are behind me. I wasn’t the High Lord Executioner anymore. I was just… Leona, now. I’ve known that my best days were long behind me for almost three decades now, but… it just felt sad, I guess.

The sound of someone approaching yanked me out of my melancholy and I put on a big smile.

“Hey there! What can I get ya today?”

---

At about two in the afternoon, I was about done for today. All I had left were seven packs of reds and a heavy bag of gold.

Again. Why the fuck are we not using paper money?

Everything had been going perfectly… until I heard the sound of whistles, scaring away whatever potential customers I had left. My heart sank, and I scrambled to throw the remaining goods into my sack- but it was too late.

“Halt!” The feathers on my neck stood stock straight as I muttered fuck under my breath. I remembered my motto well; don’t talk to cops. I turned around to see the two guards, dressed in shiny steel armor with their swords holstered to their side.

“Now, what have we got here, hmmm?” the one asked with a smarmy voice that pissed me off.

“Don’t you know it’s illegal for you to have those, let alone sell them? We could throw you in the dungeon for that.” he had a smug smirk, and I clamped my beak shut. I wasn’t about to give this prick the satisfaction of an answer.

He looked over to his partner, who hadn’t spoken a word since he got there.

“You can head back. I’ll handle this.” his partner nodded, giving a sure thing, boss before flying away.

I scowled at him as he watched his partner fly off into the distance. He just stood there, looking to the sky before I finally forced myself to speak up.

“Well?” I asked, “Aren’t you gonna… do something?” I was… confused, to say the least.

“That depends.” he started, “You got a carton of reds left?” I let out a breath I didn’t know I’d been holding.

“I got seven left. That good enough for ya?” He rolled his head from side to side, before shrugging.

“That’ll do.” I gave a smug grin, tossing him the open carton. He pointed at me and said, “I hope you’ve uh… learned your lesson.” I snorted.

“Course I have, officer. You take care, now.” he nodded and flew off without a word. All cops are bastards. Even crooked ones.

I grabbed my bag of loot and headed home for the day to count my wages. That… was way too close for comfort.

Tossing the bag into the living room, I made myself a quick lunch of buttered bread and sliced tomato, with salt and pepper on top. It was dirt cheap- but it’ll do. My wages for today rounded out to a healthy 75 bits.

“Not bad. Not bad at all.” I nodded in satisfaction. I looked at the clock on the wall and saw that it was now three- time for me to get groceries.

My shopping list was simple- various lunchmeats, fruits, and vegetables, potatoes especially, that were dirt cheap and left me enough room to get creative so we weren’t eating the same thing every day like cats. After all, there’s a thousand-and-one ways to serve macaroni- same with eggs. We also had cheese, oats, and sour cream. Everything was enough to last us two weeks.

That’s the difference between surviving and thriving. Surviving is eating the same stuff day in and day out, living a bare-minimum life, wondering why you haven't ended it already. This way keeps from going completely batshit.

But that wasn’t the last of my shopping list- I had a couple special things I wanted to get: Mushrooms, hot peppers, some good hot sausage, and tortilla chips. For this, I grabbed something special- the last two bottles of Gramma's liquor.

The last things I needed were the lunchmeat and sausage, so I decided to pay Pete a visit in his old butcher shop.

The door swung open with a ding, getting the proprietor's attention. The gruff old drunkard turned to me with a grin.

“How goes it, Lee?” he asked, the faint slur evident in his voice. He may be a drunk, but no one makes sausages like him. “You want the usual?”

“Yeah.” I placed the last of the rotgut on the counter- “And something special. How much of the good stuff will this get me?” he raised his eyebrows, popping the cork and taking a swig. I saw him cringe heavily, clenching his fists but giving a smile.

“Whoo! You just give me a minute. I’ll set you up.” After a few minutes, he emerged from the backroom holding enough lunchmeat to last a month and a bunch of sausage and bacon, which I could definitely stretch out for two weeks. My eyes widened.

“Woah, woah, ain’t this a bit much for some liquor?” he gave a hearty laugh and said,

“Don’t you know how expensive this stuff is?” he asked, I tilted my head. “These run for 30 bits a bottle these days!”

…..

Slowly, my jaw dropped and my eye twitched. “Tell me you’re bullshitting me.” his smile shrank and he gave me a look of concern.

“Wish I could. I take it this is part of Gramma’s stash?” I nodded slowly, eyes unfocused in a thousand yard stare. “Is there any left?” I shook my head. I saw Pete cringe something fierce. “Oh, geez, kid…”

“Pete. I was selling that stuff for four bits a bottle.” Now I know why we were so broke- evidently, Gramma saw the writing on the wall too and figured the price would go up- so she bought as much of the stuff as she could, all the meanwhile assuring us that we weren’t going broke.

I knew she’d put the liquor before us. I fuckin KNEW it. My mouth began to fill with spit and I was sweating bullets.

“Pete. Where’s your bathroom.” I felt bile rising in my throat. “I’m gonna be sick.” he quickly ushered me into the back where the bathroom was and I proceeded to puke my guts out.

After that was over I went over to the sink to wash my hands and my beak out.

When I returned Pete looked at me sympathetically. Two bags sat on the counter filled with all sorts of cured meats as well as my original purchase.

“I threw in a little extra for ya, kid. I wish I could do more, but… pluck, that’s awful.” I gave a small, weary grin.

“Thanks, Pete. Really.” I grabbed the bags. “Catch ya around?” He nodded with a smile, saying Stay safe, out there!

I was barely paying attention as I made my way home. My shaking hands made unlocking the window difficult, but I managed. I threw the meat straight into the fridge, figuring I’d sort through it later.

I had something more important I needed. You see, I lied earlier when I said I only had seven packs of smokes left; I’d left one for myself, just for moments like this. Not to mention, we still had a lot of Gramma’s old rocks glasses here- and an open bottle of rotgut.

So, I poured me some on the rocks and used the gas burner to light up a smoke.

I sat on the couch and let out a sigh, turning on the radio to listen to. A song was in the middle of playing-

Oh, there’s a song that lingerrs, forever in our ears, Ohh hard times, come again no more!

“You said it, pal.” I took a sip of liquor and a puff of my cigarette. “I’ll drink to that.

'Tis the sooong, the sigh of the weary… Hard times, hard times, come again no more.

---

The nice part about having a (compared to a human) tiny liver is you get buzzed pretty quickly. A couple hours, two drinks and a few more cigarettes later and I was feeling good enough to get dinner ready.

I wasn’t worried about the smell of cigarette smoke. The smell of dinner would drown that out.

As I got to work, dicing up and de-seeding the hot peppers, I began to think to myself.

I suppose in retrospect, getting burned on the liquor was my fault. I figured something so shitty tasting couldn’t be worth that much, about 10 bits retail at most. I guess people aren’t drinking it for the taste.

Really, it’s my fault. I wanted to get rid of it fast to make some quick cash and never bothered to do my due diligence.

Lesson fucking learned.

With the radio on, I continued dinner. I looked at the clock and saw that it was seven. I was taking my time since Mom wouldn’t be home for another hour or so.

I finished up dicing the peppers, then did the same with the onions and the mushrooms. Adding a splash of oil to the pan I began frying it all together. I grabbed a couple links of sausage and cut it out of the casing, putting it into a bowl and breaking it apart before adding it to the pan.

The apartment smelled fucking incredible. I added one more thing, though- a decent amount of garlic salt, seasoning it to taste. I used a wooden spoon to stir it all together for a bit to let the flavors really mix, and Mom showed up just as I pulled it off the burner.

This recipe is actually one I came up with myself, back when I was still human. It’s a based on the classic Italian sausage and peppers- an important staple meal in the dago community I grew up in.

I call it crack- because once you start, you’re not putting it down until it’s gone.

“What smells so pluckin good in this place?” Mom asked, sniffing the air with a smile.

“Dinner.” I poured the contents of the pan into the bowl and grabbed the bag of tortilla chips, meeting her at the couch. You use the chips to scoop up the crack and eat it like that.

We both ate heartily and made smalltalk of how our day went. Mom didn’t have much to say and neither did I- considering the second most interesting thing to happen involved the cops.

After we finished dinner, we both just sat there cuddled up next to each other while the radio played softly in the background. I figured now would be as good a time as any to bring up the most interesting thing that happened today.

“So, you know uh… you know how I sold off Gramma’s old liquor stash?” she cocked an eyebrow and looked at me.

Everyone in the building heard Mamma.

“WHAT THE FUCK!?”

Despite this minor setback, she made sure to be clear that yes, I still have the title of Best Daughter Ever.

Take The Money And Run

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Why is it that, whenever I have something good going on in my life, past or present, something always fucking happens to ruin it?

That morning started just the same as any other one; Mom and I woke up, I made her a breakfast of scrambled eggs, bacon, and toast and we snuggled on the couch for a bit. She’d leave for her first job and I got to work.

That day, I decided to take it easy and just do a couple flying pickpockets. Seriously, I cannot get over how fun that is. I only managed to get three chumps then, but that was mainly due to the lack of viable targets.

I mean, the majority of people were half broke, aside from a few lucky bastards. And the ones I robbed?

Sucks to be them.

I made a good 45 bits by noon and decided to make the journey home. Honestly? I was feeling great that day. The weather was friggin perfect, the skies were wonderfully blue and it wasn’t too hot out.

I went through the window- and imagine my surprise to find Mom home, sitting on the couch. Her eyes were red and puffy like she’d been crying so I ran over to see what was wrong.

“Woah, Ma, what happened?” I joined her on the couch and pulled her in for a hug. She sniffed, saying-

“They laid me off from the hospital. And the store cut my hours in half.” she let out a whimper and my eyes widened. Oh, shit.

I pulled her in for a hug.

“Eh, don’t worry, Mamma. We still have each other, huh?” she gave a soft smile.

“Yeah. Yeah, I suppose you're right.”

Evidently, we didn’t tell the hard times to fuck off hard enough.

Things were tight before, and they were straight up impossible now. I was hustling harder than I think I ever have in my life, and Mom was constantly out and about trying to find a job- with little success.

She went from working all day to a measly four hours a day, and I felt as though I was pushing my luck with all the petty crime. It was one thing to do a couple petty crimes a day- you’re less likely to gain notoriety that way. But when you’re doing this stuff constantly, your odds of getting caught increase because of sheer probability. That’s why usually you want a bunch of guys doing dirty work all at once, to spread things out- but I don’t have nearly enough to start my own crime family. Most I could do was pay some street urchins to keep an eye out for any leads, and even then, I could barely swing that.

Especially with how close I came to getting into shit during that cigarette operation, I was constantly looking over my shoulder, wondering what they knew and how long until I got caught.

About two months later, things improved very little. There would be some days where Mamma decided to skip eating to save money. Some days, I decided to skip meals, much to Mamma's disdain. And when rent was due, neither of us ate for a couple days in a row.

I almost got caught today. Almost. I was pickpocketing and I messed up, snagging myself on the guy's purse. Fucker had it on tight, and a nearby guard saw. It was just by sheer, dumb luck that I was able to hide in a crowd and disappear- at the cost of having fumbled the purse like a damn fool.

I admit, I was so frustrated that I went home and just… quietly sobbed into my pillow. I wasn’t sure how much more of this shit I could take.

But that’s not the worst thing that happened today, not by a fucking mile. That evening, Mom and I ate the dinner I made for us. That much hadn’t changed- at least when we could afford it. Nothing special, but it wouldn’t kill us.

Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you wonder why not.

I was sitting on the couch reading a book when Mom walked out of the bathroom in a state that I rarely ever saw her in. She looked quite good- had her makeup done up and everything- and had an adorable little bow in her head feathers. My eyes widened. No… No, please don’t tell me. Please, God, don’t tell me that Mamma’s about to go do what I think she’s going to do…

“Where are you going.” my voice was stern- and I think even she was taken aback by it.

“I’m just going out to visit a friend. I’ll be back late, so you can go to bed whenever.” I kept my glare on her. I think she suspected I knew something was up.

“Have fun.” I said, turning back towards the book I was reading.

“I love you, baby.” without looking up I said,

“Love you too.” I heard the door close and slammed my book shut. I wasted no time grabbing my favorite black cloak and sunglasses out of the bedroom.

I saw Mom flying in a direction that I did not like, so I flung it open and gave chase, not even bothering to shut it behind me. I stuck to dark, shadowy places that would easily hide me as I followed Mamma…

Right to fuckin Redbird Avenue. It was the type of place you could go if you wanted to lay low, maybe pick up some illicit drugs, or most famously of all…

It’s a place where one could go to get their rocks off. I landed on a cloud, looking at the crowd below and keeping an eye on Mamma. My beak trembled. Tears threatened to fall from my eyes. I felt so many emotions that I couldn’t do anything but just sit there.

Anger. Sadness. Betrayal. Hurt. To know that my mother was planning to degrade herself for money was just too much to bear. I saw a griffon walk up behind her and smack her on the ass with a wing, and I couldn’t bear to watch anymore.

On the flight home, there were so many things I wanted to do. Cry. Vomit. Strangle a stray dog. I flew through the window and flung the cabinet open. I wasted no time, popping the cork of the bottle and taking several large gulps. The liquor burned like Hell as it poured down my throat.

The inebriation hit me nearly instantly and I almost dropped the bottle. I was barely able to get the cork back on and roll it back into the cabinet. Stumbling into my bedroom and hopping on my bed, I grabbed my favorite dolly, clutching it as though she were the last sacred thing I had left in this world.

In some ways, it was.

I felt like such a fucking failure. Between fucking up selling the liquor and almost getting caught today I just felt like I was worthless. I was nothing, and today was proof of that. I was just full-on ugly crying into my pillow.

I blacked out what happened next. Presumably, I passed the fuck out.

---

“Baby… Baby, please wake up… are you alright?” I awoke being nudged in my bed. My eyes were heavily crusted over so I wiped them with a fist. My mother looked at me with worry in her eyes. Evidently, I made no attempt to hide my activities last night.

I fixed her a glare. “You were out hookin’ last night.” her eyes widened and she sputtered incoherently. She stumbled backward as I sat up in bed.

“Don’t try to lie to me. I know you went to fuckin Redbird last night.” she was glancing from side to side, stuttering.

“I-I was…” then she scoffed and fixed a glare at me. “Well, what the fuck else would you have me do!?”

“Oh, I don’t know… how about not fuckin whoring yourself out!?” Both of our voices were raised. We were both at our wits end, and were about to let each other have it all- little did I know, I would eventually regret that dearly.

“Oh, that’s a great fucking idea! I’ll just get another job instead… Oh wait! I’ve been looking-” she stomped a fist to the floor to punctuate the next words- “For two. Months.” I threw my arms up in a gesture that universally meant Well, what the fuck!?

“And what do you think I’ve been doing!? Sitting at home twiddling my fucking tail all day!?” The Italiano in my blood never left me, apparently. My arms and wings were waving around in the air as I yelled, “I have been hustling day in and fucking day out, putting my ass on the line, just to bring us home a little bit of chump change, just to do it all again the next fucking day!” We both sat there in silence, glaring and gritting our beaks at each other when I hopped off the bed.

“And just where the fuck do you think you’re going, Missy?” she yelled at me as I made my way to the window.

“To make some God-damn money.” I hopped past the sill and heard,

“You can’t just fly away from me! Get back here!” But I’d already slammed the window shut and flew off. I went above the clouds where I could disappear- and I was gone. I’ll apologize later. But first, I had a plan. I was gonna fix my fuck ups if its the last thing I do.

---

I stood in an alley smoking a cigarette. It was about three in the morning.

Earlier that day, I gathered my band of street urchins, paying them to keep an eye out- scoping out potential targets. I was done doing small-time shit. It’s time to make some real loot.

There were a few wealthy people left in this city. And I planned to take full advantage of that.

I saw blue chucklefuck make his way towards me.

“What you got for me?” I took a heavy drag off my cigarette and tossed the butt away. He handed me a list of potential targets, which I pocketed.

“They meet the criteria I gave you?” he nodded quickly.

“Good. If I find out you’ve lied to me-” I pulled my dagger, grabbing the back of his neck with one hand and pressing the blade against his jugular with the other.

“Understand?” His eyes widened, and he stuttered out weakly-

“Y-Yes…”

“Excellent.” I put the knife away and let go of him, he breathed a sigh of relief.

“Anything else you need, boss?” I was about to say no, but then I had a second thought. I snapped my finger in front of him twice.

“Let’s go. Smokes.” he blinked at me in confusion before reaching into his bag for a pack of cigarettes, handing me a couple.

“Now fuck off. You did good.” I haven’t even looked at the paper yet, but I had a feeling Blue wouldn’t fuck me over. He’s loyal like that.

Still not 100 percent on his name, though. Guile?? I don’t know. I don’t care. I made the flight home- and my Mother wasn’t there. Probably out hookin’ again.

I still couldn’t believe it. Of all the ways to make money, she picks the dirtiest, greasiest kinda work there is.

On the coffee table in the livingroom, I unfolded the piece of paper; it was a map of the city- covered in notes, annotations, and highlights. Basically? Rich fuckers with a consistent schedule that appeared to have a good amount of dough on them.

I just had to wait for Ma to make the proposal. I wasn’t giving her an option, though.

---

The door opened about an hour later. I was smoking a cigarette when she walked in, I barely spared her a glance. If she looked crusty, I didn’t want to know.

“Go get a shower then get back in here. We have business to discuss.” I was no longer talking to her as Leona.

“Now you listen-” I was speaking to her as the High Lord Executioner.

“If the next words outta your beak are anything except Yes ma’am, there will be Hell to pay.” I quenched the butt of my cigarette against the arm of the couch, head swinging to look at her, “Capische?” And her word is final. She clenched her beak shut, opened it back up, then closed it again. Head lowered, she ran towards the bathroom, and I could smell the sex funk from here. Disgusting.

After 20 minutes, she walked out of the bathroom, drying herself off with a towel. I patted the couch cushion next to me. “Sit. We have business to discuss.”

She stood there, unsure what to do. “I wasn’t asking.” She lowered her head and did as she was instructed.

“How much are you making per client?” was my first question. She sat there, staring straight forward. She then reached into her purse, pulling out a bag that looked way smaller than it should and handed it to me. I didn’t even want to count it.

“And you’re not even robbing the fuckers after you screw?” she began to shudder as she shook her head, sniffling. I threw the bag across the room.

“This is why I told you; leave the greasework to me. I’m the expert when it comes to doing dodgy stuff.” she scoffed at me.

“W-what? Was I gonna let you whore yourself out instead?” I facepalmed, hard.

“Look,” I started- “I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.” I picked a random target on the map.

“This guy here walks the same path every night. Intel says he looks more well off than most in the area.” I dragged a finger along the path, and pointed to a particular spot. “Right here is where we’re gonna get the fucker.” I didn’t even look towards Mamma for a reaction.

I knew this city back to front. I pointed to a particular alley-

“I’m gonna play the part of the lost, scared girl to lure him down this alley.” I pointed to the buildings across the alley. “Once he’s down the alley and distracted, this is where you come in. You still have Gramma’s old scarf and shawl?” I looked up at her for the first time since I started my plan. Slowly, she nodded.

“Fantastic. You’re gonna be dressed up in that, as well as wearing a face mask and sunglasses- this should obscure all your unique features. I want you to sneak up behind him…” I grabbed a kitchen knife that I had sitting next to the map, handing it to her.

“Grab him, clamp his beak, and hold that tight to his throat. But remember, we’re not out for blood. We’re just out for money.” I gave a smug smirk and looked up at her.

“It’s the perfect crime. Think about it; do you think any guard is gonna take him seriously when he says he got robbed by a little hen and her grandma?” her jaw dropped, she slowly shook her head.

“No… no! No, No, just… No!” I just snorted in response.

“Why not?” she began to stutter out a reply and I said,

“Is it because it’s illegal? What do you think prostitution is?”

“I-I… It’s not…”

“Just because the cops don’t enforce it, doesn’t make it legal. But suddenly this is a problem? Additionally, you’re fine if I go out and rob fools, but you’re too afraid to get your hands dirty?”

“No! I’ve never been fine with that! I just couldn’t stop you either way!”

“And why do you think that is? Why do you think I enjoy doing what I do?” she continued to stutter, but I was going to have none of it.

“Because being above the law is addicting! The thrill of barely getting away, knowing that one wrong move will lead to your demise, is fucking exhilarating!” You know. When I’m not doing it constantly with no stops. I grinned at her like a madwoman, saying-

“So you’re gonna help me rob this chump tomorrow night. I don’t want you whorin’ any more. Got it?” She looked at me. Then to the knife. Then back to me. She sighed heavily.

“Fine… Fine. I’ll join you, but… but I don’t like it. Not like I have a choice, I guess...” I gave her a wide grin, giving her a hug and burying my face in her chest.

“Trust me on this, Ma. We’re gonna have a blast, you and I.”

“Goodness… what have I gotten myself into…”

---

The very next night, it was showtime. I gave Mamma my sunglasses- most of her distinguishing features were completely disguised. I myself was wearing a tattered old cloak which I kept for panhandling purposes- and of course, I always kept my dagger strapped beneath it.

She and I had been rehearsing all evening once she got home from her short shift. Despite her reluctance, I believed she could handle it. Who knows? Maybe she’ll enjoy it as much as I will.

I checked my pocket watch, smiling in anticipation. He should be getting close…

“Somebody, help!” NOW! I yelled at the top of my lungs, sitting in the middle of the dirty alley. I think I was pretty smart when I picked this alley- it’s not a dead end. There’s a way out, just in case shit really hits the fan- and it doesn’t look as suspicious. I was laying on the ground, clutching my leg.

“My leg… It’s broken! Help, please!” I was a damn good actor. The feigned desperation in my voice was good enough for screenplay.

Finally, my target rounded the corner. “Please, help me! My leg is broken, it hurts so bad!” The guy walked down the alley cautiously. That’s right, cocksucker. Help the poor little girl.

Just as he got close, Mamma emerged from the shadows, grabbing him from behind, clamping his beak with one hand and holding the knife to his throat with the other. I got up immediately, giving him a smug grin.

“You picked the wrong night to do a good deed, my friend. You make a single move, Gramma here will have no qualms with aerating your throat. We want your belongings, not your blood.” The guy was shaking like a leaf, eyes wide in fear. I wonder if I can make him wet himself?

The guy was wearing a fancy silk cloak. I lifted it up to reveal the saddlebags hidden underneath. Using a claw, I cut the straps that fastened it to his body and slung it over my shoulders. Already I heard gold clinking.

“You know…” I said to him, circling him like a shark that smelled blood. “I know I said we didn’t want your blood…” I stopped in front of him, baring a claw and holding it to his throat.

“But you know… I’m feeling pretty hungry. Maybe I could take a little?” I was running my claw across his jugular vein, mother moving the knife out of the way as the shaking intensified. The intense look of fear in his eyes was just… ohhh, it felt so good. Tears rolled down his face and I had to suppress a sadistic giggle. “Just a small slice… a few gulps… And I’ll leave the rest of your blood for the rats.”

I heard the telltale pitter-pattering, and I let out a hearty cackle. He was hyperventilating, and I snapped my fingers. Mamma pushed him onto his side, I tossed her the saddlebags, and we both bolted in two separate directions, leaving the poor bastard to recollect himself.

We both flew in random paths around the city in case we were being followed, and finally I climbed in the window. Mamma was already there, staring at the saddlebags with a blank look on her face.

“You count our loot yet?” I asked excitedly, running towards her. She just looked at me with that same blank look.

“Yeah. Yeah I did.” my smile fell.

“And what was it?”

It felt like hours passed, the anticipation was killing me.

“Three hundred bits.” My smile grew and I nodded in satisfaction.

“That all?” I asked simply… and she shook her head and I tilted mine. Subtly, I noticed she began to crack a grin.

“Each.” My eyes widened, jaw dropping in disbelief.

"Three hundred bits in each bag?" She looked at me and nodded with that same subtle smirk. I just couldn’t believe it! I started prancing around the room, yelling YES over and over again. I stopped in front of Mamma, holding my arm up.

“Come on, high five!” she hesitated, but eventually she rolled her eyes with a wide grin.

“Pluck yeah!” she yelled, our hands meeting. We were both laughing and celebrating our winnings for what felt like ages.

“So out of curiosity…” she began to ask. “What was the point of that last part?” I just shrugged. Because I’m a sadistic cunt and I thought it was funny.

“Fear is a powerful thing. Plus, who’s gonna believe him when he tries to tell people that he was robbed by an old lady and a little vampire hen?” Momma shrugged.

“Point taken.” I gave her a wide grin.

“So… I take it you had fun?” she paused briefly, biting her lip(Or the closest analog you could do with a beak) and looking to the side.

“Ok… I admit, it was pretty thrilling, I guess… and the money was definitely good…” I gave her a wide smile, hugging her tightly.

“I knew you could do it, Mamma. I’m proud of you- you did good tonight.”

---

And so, we continued to scheme. Our Modus Operandi was simple- pick one of the many targets on the map. I would stake them out. And the next night, we’d double up on them. We did this about once a week, and every time we went out we did so in a different district. That way if they did file police reports, they wouldn’t notice the pattern of a little girl and old lady robbing someone every week in the same precinct.

Everything had finally started to look up for us… Until tonight. We’d so far successfully robbed five different people.

The plan was the same as usual.

“Help me!” I yelled, sitting in the alley. Just like usual, there was an outlet so we wouldn’t get cornered. “Somebody, help!” Our target was an older fellow with light feathers. He walked briskly down the alley, and just like usual, Mamma emerged from the shadows like a ghost and grabbed him from behind.

“You picked a bad night to be generous, friend.” I slowly approached him and got an odd sense of… familiarity. I just couldn’t put my finger on it. I didn’t have much time to think about that, though.

My eyes widened, the guy reared back like a horse, shooting his wings out knocking Mamma to her side. My reaction time was only a few microseconds- and with barely time to think I drew my knife and swung it in a wide slash, catching him as he came back down and putting a diagonal slice in his chest- then I gave a thrust, my dagger penetrating deep into his chest betwixt his ribs. He howled in pain, falling to his knees he clutched his wound. Blood was pouring out and he glanced at me with a look of pure hatred.

My eyes widened.

“Just who… cough, who do you think you are?” Mr. Fucking Galloway- that asshole teacher who humiliated Mamma in front of the classroom all those years ago. My smile grew wider than I ever thought possible as I glared at him with pure, malicious joy. I lowered my hood.

“What, you don’t recognize a mistake when you see one?” Blood started running down his beak as he stared in shock. He tried to wheeze something out, but the blood filling his lungs said otherwise, and he coughed some up on my cloak.

“I’ve waited eight. Fucking. Years for this, pal.” I was no longer aware of my surroundings- it was just me and this asshole here. “I’m gonna savor watching the life fade from your eyes.”

With a quick horizontal slash his jugular vein was split open, blood shooting out in spurts and painting my cloak a deep crimson. His body spasmed violently on the ground, like a worm writhing in the rain.

I cackled like a mad demon, watching in delight as the blood from his neck got weaker and weaker, the spasming slowing down rapidly- his heart would stop beating soon. I savored the show while I could, and finally, his head fell flat to the ground with a heavy thud.

He would find no more reason to speak in this world.

I snapped back to reality and my smile fell. I looked up and saw Mamma- beak wide open and shaking terribly. She then looked down and proceeded to vomit on the ground beneath her.

I took in a breath and shuddered as I let it out slowly. “Well,” I said, “Well, shit.” I cracked my neck and set the knife down.

“A minor setback to be sure.” I went up to the corpse and prepared to lift him. “Help me stuff him into this trashcan.” Mamma continued to look at me with that wide-eyed stare.

“Y-y-you… you…”

“Killed him. Yes, shocking, wooo.” I rolled my eyes and gave mocking jazz hands. “I’ll get us out of this, just gimme a hand. We’re gonna leave his stuff so it looks like a regular mur-” I heard something that made me freeze. Far in the distance, I heard whistling- at my estimation, I had maybe two minutes to get us out of this.

“Shit…” I’ve never seen Mamma look so scared. I had to think fast- and I couldn’t involve her in the plan. I refuse to let her go to prison.

I GOT IT!

“Alright, I need you to run like Hell in the opposite direction.” I approached her and she shook her head slowly.

“No… no, I can’t leave you I-” I slapped her on the cheek.

“GO. Stick to the shadows, get back to the house, hide those clothes, get cleaned up, and be ready to corroborate whatever I may tell you. Understand?” After a few seconds of doing nothing, I slapped her again. “Go, go, go! I am NOT letting you get arrested here. I’ll be home safe tonight. I promise.” tears rolled down her cheeks and she lowered her head, bolting in the opposite direction.

Luckily, I came prepared. I reached into my pack and grabbed the half-empty bottle of rotgut and placed it in the fuckers bag. Then I took my dagger and set it on the ground a few feet away, as though it had been tossed to the side.

From the whistling, I estimated I had about a minute left. This plan is so fucking stupid it just might work.

For the final phase of the plan, I had to piss myself.

---

The whistling was close, and I was ready to spring my plan into action. On an unrelated note- it’s surprisingly hard to piss yourself on purpose. Funny how the body works like that.

I sprinted out of the alley babbling nonsense, almost tackling one of the guards. I noticed the guard happened to be female- and my odds of success went up tenfold. “Please… h-h-help me!” I was leaning up against the breastplate of her armor and she put a wing around my back.

“Alright, calm down! What happened here?” crocodile tears ran down my face as I continued to whine incoherently.

“Holy shit…” I heard one of the guards murmur to himself, no doubt finding the corpse.

The female guard grabbed me by the shoulders and lowered me down gently, lowering herself to meet my eyes. “Hey, hey, it’s alright. You’re safe now.” I slowed my nonsense talk and slowed my breathing. “Please, tell me what happened?”

I swallowed, noticing her nostrils curling up. No doubt she smelled the piss.

“I… I was w-walking home f-from a f-friends house…” she nodded, urging me to continue with a look of pure sympathy. She took the bait! “A-and I got l-lost…” I sniffled deeply, “H-he started f-following me, and I tried to hide down this alley…” I began to hyperventilate and she put her wings around me.

“He said he… he wanted to play a game. His breath smelled really bad, too. I think he was sick, because he threw up…” I kept glancing from side to side, as though there were demons lurking within the very shadows. “He wanted me to.. To… touch his thingy and I told him no…” I forced myself to shake, letting out breaths in shudders.

“I said no, and he said he… he would follow me home and-and hurt my Mommy!” I buried my face in her armor, clutching her tight. “So I… I took my can opener and I…”

“You don’t have to continue. You’ve been through enough.” I pulled back and saw a look of pure heartbreak in her eyes.

“I… I didn’t want to hurt him so badly… then he stopped moving…” I choked back a feigned sob,

“Is… is he gonna be okay?” I started to glance back but she used a wing to block my view.

“He’s gonna be fine, sweetheart.”

“Am I gonna be in trouble?” I looked up and sniffled, seeing her scowling at the corpse. She shook her head slowly.

“Hey, boss!” one of the guards spoke up. “Check this out! Half empty, guy must’ve been plastered!” yep, there’s the rotgut. Her glare turned to the other guard, and I imagine he shut his beak.

“You’re not, sweetie. What you did was protect yourself- and you’ll never get in trouble for that.” her voice dripped with venom, and I knew I’d won then and there.

“I… I want my Mommy…”

“Don’t worry. I’ll get you home safe and sound.”

Just like that, I’d gotten away with murder. Not bad for my first one here.

---

The guardswoman was kind enough to escort me home, and I continued to put on a show- I was walking closely next to her, and every once in a while I would see a stranger of a similar build to my victim and would duck beneath the guard dramatically, asking her to protect me.

We made it back to our apartment, and Mamma and I bolted into eachothers arms.

“Baby!” she yelled, clutching me tight.

“I-it was awful, Mommy! I-I got lost, and there was a bad man, and… and… he said he wanted me to touch him and said he wanted to hurt you and… and I took my can opener… I was so scared!” Neither of us paid any mind to the drying blood on my cloak.

Our one-sided tearful reunion lasted a minute before Mamma pulled back.

“Sweetie, why don’t you get a shower? I have to talk to the kind guard.” I sniffled and nodded my head.

“O-Okay Mommy…” I slinked into the bathroom and stuck my ear against the wall. Come on, Mamma. Make it sound convincing!

“What happened to her?” She asked. Straight forward, fair enough.

“From what I’ve gathered, she got lost on the way home. Some sick fuck wanted to have his way with her.” I heard the guard scoff, “He was completely wasted. We found a half empty bottle of liquor in his bag.”

“Goodness…”

“Yeah.” … “This is the can-opener in question.” my hair stood up on my neck.

“Yes. It’s an old heirloom. Normally she does use it for opening cans, but… I mainly gave it to her so she’d have a way to protect herself in case… something happens.” YEAH, YOU GO MAMMA! “I told her to never walk alone at night!”

“Listen, I’m gonna make things easy for you two. I’ll make sure this case is opened then closed right back up. I just want you to promise me you’ll be there for her? This sort of thing… it sticks with you. Haunts your nightmares.” Dreams, more like.

“You want my advice? Move out of the big city. There’s nothing left here but degenerates and heartbreak.”

“Don’t worry, Ma’am. I’ll take care of her. She’s... all I have left.”

“You take care, now. Stay safe.” I heard the door shut, and that was my queue to hop in the shower.

---

The cold water was actually helpful for once- made it easier to wash away the blood. A half hour later I was as clean as a whistle. As for the cloak? Eh, I was just gonna throw it away. The blood had settled already and aside from that, it smelled like piss.

Method acting is a helluva thing.

I dried myself off and hopped out into the living room with a wide grin on my face. Mamma was sitting on the couch- staring at my bloody dagger in her hands.

“Bah, don’t look so down. We fuckin’ got away with it!” I was still running strong off that adrenaline high, the image of warm blood spraying all over still fresh in my mind, giving me that warm and fuzzy feeling deep down. I hopped on the couch.

“I mean, come on. Surely you got some entertainment out of seeing that fuck get what he deserves?” slowly, she set the dagger on the table.

“You murdered him.” she slowly turned to look at me, an odd hollow look in her eyes. “You were smiling. You were laughing. You stood there as you got covered in blood like you were just playing in a sprinkler.” I just shrugged.

“Oh, come on. That guy was a fuckface and you know it.” her eye twitched.

“That… that…” she finally blew up- “That doesn’t make it right! None of this is right!” she got up and was pacing around the room- I just stood around on the couch, leaning against the back of it. She spoke up,

“Gah, I can’t BELIEVE I let you talk me into doing this stuff!” I threw my arms up.

“We needed the money! Just from a few of those fuckers, we made enough loot to last us at least two months with no income! Finally, we’re ahead of the fuckin’ curve!

“And I suppose you were just gonna keep hookin’ for fuckin chump change? What if you caught syphilis or something?” and it wasn’t the modern, subtle kind- it was the medieval make your face rot off type. She just scoffed.

“I never should’ve let you stay home. Never should’ve let you homeschool yourself!” her voice began to crack, face turning red from anger.

“You… you are OUT OF CONTROL!” I just scoffed, holding a hand to my chest.

“Oh, I’m out of control? I’m out of fucking control?!” I grabbed the dagger, jumping over the couch and pointing it towards her. “WHY DON’T YOU GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE! I’LL SHOW YOU OUT OF CONTROL YOU WORTHLESS OLD CUNT!” She stopped her pacing, turning and glaring at me fiercely- then she turned around and walked away.

“That’s right! You turn around, bitch!” I threw the dagger to the side, watching it slide across the floor. I gave a smug laugh as I went to my cloak, grabbing me a smoke and a lighter, which I stole off someone a while ago. Leaning against the coffee table, I turned the radio on and lit my smoke.

I can’t sell my mama short on lovin’ me-
I guess that’s why she let me go so far!

I swear, this radio was literally magical. It always had the right song for the mood.

Mama tried to stop me short of stealin’
I guess that’s why I had to steal that cart.

I took a deep drag of my cigarette, puffing the smoke into the air.

She told me not to smoke it,
But I did, and it took me far away.

“Gotta get me some more reds soon,” I said to no-one in particular. I was starting to run low- I think I’ll hit up a wagon tomorrow.

And I turned out to be-
The only Hell my Mama ever raised!

Just then- the radio shut off. I had no time to react as the cigarette was yanked from my hand and quenched against the table. My eyes widened as I was grabbed and held tight in Mamma’s lap, my tail being raised out of the way. Ohh, I did not think this through. I looked back and saw the real family heirloom in her left hand; a thick wooden paddle with several holes cut in it for aerodynamics.

“Leona Grimfeather-” oh fuck, she used the full name… fuuuuuck… “I have been lenient with you, given you chance after chance after chance. I’m done.”

“Look, I’m sorry! I-I know things got heated but I-I didn’t mean it!”

THWAP

“Owwww, I’m sorry! I won’t do it again I promise!” no amount of bracing could prepare me for how much it hurt.

THWAP

“I-I’ll Be good!” tears rolled down my face as my voice cracked terribly.

THWAP

“I promise I won’t do anymore illegal stuff!”

THWAP

“I’ll even stop swearing…” my voice was feeble, hot tears staining my cheeks.

THWAP

Finally, she let me go and I stumbled forward, full on ugly crying in front of her.

“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU DID! YOU ARE GROUNDED!” I wasted no time bolting to the bedroom with my tail between my legs. My gait was uneven as I slammed the door behind me and jumped into my bed. My ass still throbbed fiercely and I worried I may never be able to sit on it again.

Eventually the crying turned into soft whimpering and sniveling. And with nothing better to do… I laid in bed thinking quietly.

I felt just awful. Guilt, shame, regret- it was all there. Not in regards to the man I killed- I’ve never cried for my victims and I won’t start now. But laying in bed, thinking about what I’ve been doing this past while, I came to the conclusion that hurt so bad.

I’d been such a fucking asshole to Ma. I treated her like another associate, like she was worthless dirt beneath my shoes. Why? And I realized something, too. Originally I felt like a failure because Ma had to resort to hookin’- but… she was willing to degrade herself- all for my sake. And I had the audacity to criticize her for not bringing home enough money from it. As I choked back a sob, I came to the final conclusion:

She hates me now. There’s nothing to it. I blew it. I took the one, the only person who I’ve ever cared about in my life, past or present, and I shoved her away. The only one who took care of me, was always there when I needed her… and was willing to whore herself out for fucking pennies just so I could afford to eat.

My own words rang out in my head. We still have each other, huh? And now… I had nothing. I had nothing, no one, and barely any will to go on anymore. She hates me. I’m not the best daughter ever. I’m the High Lord Executioner- as though that worthless nickname meant anything anymore. She knows I’m a psycho, too- it wouldn’t be surprising if she kicked me out all together.

Briefly, I wondered what would happen if I died again? Would I once again reincarnate into a different life? Or would that really be it this time? I was really, really considering testing that theory…

Then the door opened. I buried my face in my pillow. I couldn’t face her, not now and not ever again.

I was quite surprised when she got on the bed with me and put a wing over my back. I just sniffled.

“Go ‘way.”

“Sweetie-”

“You hate me now.” she just pulled me in tighter. “I wish… I wish I was never born…” I should’ve died on the fucking chair, eight years ago.

“No, baby-”

“I should’ve been stillborn. That way you wouldn’t be stuck with me.” my entire body shaking as I was choking back more tears.

I felt a wing lightly slap me on the back of the head.

“If you say anything like that again, so help me I will get the paddle.”

“I’m the worst daughter ever.”

“No, sweetie…” she let out a sigh.
You are my sunshine…
My only sunshine…
You make me happy… when skies are gray.
You’ll never know dear, how much I love you.
Please don’t take my sunshine away…

And just like that, for the second time tonight I was full-on ugly crying into my pillow. I was starting to get a bit dehydrated, in all honesty.

“I-I’m sor-ry-ee-ee” I was yammering out apologies in between bouts of sobbing.

“Sweetie… what you did to that man is unforgivable. I can’t forgive you for that- it’s something you’ll live with and remember for the rest of your life.” she said it so sternly...

“That’s not what I meant!” I sniffed and turned to face her. “I don’t regret killing him, not one bit. I don’t regret anything, from the stealing, assault, burglary… No, that stuff… I was born for that kind of life.

“Mamma… I’m a twisted fucking psychopath if you haven’t figured that out already. Damn near everything I do is a means to an end. Everything I do in life has a purpose. That man needed to die because if I let him live, we would both be rotting in a dungeon cell right now! I didn’t want them to take me away from you!” she looked at me and blinked, the surprise evident on her face.

“What I am sorry for is the way I treated you. I’d lost sight of myself, all as a means to an end without thinking of the consequences. I am so, so sorry, Mamma."

She just continued to look at me- then let out a deep sigh.

“Sweetie…” she sat up in bed, and I did the same- though I winced because my ass still stung. She looked from side to side, as if trying to figure out what to say.

“You really… don’t regret killing that man, do you?” she looked me in the eyes and I shook my head.

“I’d do it again in a heartbeat if it meant protecting us.” I took a deep breath.

“I regret the way I treated you… the way I talked to you… I can’t take it back. No matter how much I want to, I can’t take that back. Just…” I hugged her, burying my face in her feathers.

“Please… please, I want your forgiveness for the way I treated you- but if you never forgive me, I wouldn’t blame you. But no matter what, everything I do, I do for your sake!

“I love you, Mamma. Forever and always.” I heard her sniffle.

“I love you too, baby. Just… No more illegal stuff, not even for me. No more breaking the law. I’d rather go hungry than know my daughter is out there risking herself.” She wrapped her arms and wings around me and I sighed.

“That guard was right. There’s nothing left for us in this city.”

“But… but what’s the alternative?” she asked me, and I said-

“We still got all the loot from our more… successful endeavors. I know a guy who can get us a wagon for cheap, legally, that is.” I quickly added that last part when I noticed the glare she gave me.

“Admit it. All this hustling is no good for either one of us. It was only a matter of time before one of us snapped.” I pulled back, looking her in the eyes and grabbing her hand with mine.

“There’s nothing left for us in this town. Things are only gonna get worse around here- so let's bail while we’re still ahead! What d’ya say? I’ll get us a wagon, and we’ll pick a direction and go!” her smile grew, and she let out a sigh.

“Ok. Ok, I admit you’re right. What do we have to lose, anyway?”

“That’s the spirit!” she rolled her eyes, still having that smile on her face.

“Why is it that you’re always the one coming up with these things?” I just shrugged.

“Eh, I was always better in the thinkin’ department, wasn’t I?” Mamma snorted out a laugh, saying-

“Oh, what was that, Missy? Because I heard go get the paddle because I haven’t learned my lesson!”

“Hey, I don’t know what you’re on about!” We both shared a hearty laugh before we both decided to try and sleep that night.

Overall, I felt as though I was closing up a significant chapter in my life. I can’t help but wonder what sights we’ll see? I’ve always wanted to go on an adventure like that, but… well, I never had the time in my old life.

For the first time in a good while, I felt optimistic for the future.

“I love you, sweetie.”

“I love you to Hell and back, Mamma. Don’t you forget it.”

Takin' Care Of Business

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After her return, Princess Luna spent much of her time trying to readjust herself to the modern world. So much so that she’s begun to grow tired of it. One brain can only learn so much new slang at once, and she refused to understand the concept of rizz. What in the name of The Moon does it all mean?

And so, she decided to spend a little extra time policing the dreams of the world. Currently, she was exploring the Dream-State of the Griffon Confederacy- and she noticed something unusual.

Every dream is represented by a door which gives an indication of the dreamer's personality; and just by glancing at it could she tell all the important information about the dreamer. You know; name, age, occupation, whether their dream is good, bad- or a nightmare. It was as if the door was speaking to her directly, and they could ask for help when necessary.

This door was different. She didn’t know who it belonged to- but they must surely be a powerful individual. It originated somewhere in Featherworth- that much can be discerned by the doors surrounding it. It had a menacing aura to it which the princess did not like.

The frame was a dark onyx black, dotted with eyes looking to and fro in seemingly random directions; the door itself was a garish, xanthous yellow color. There was a large crow skull mounted to it- far larger than any crow could possibly be. As she approached for a closer look, she stepped in something strange- a viscous black substance seemed to be seeping out beneath the doorway.

When she approached the entry, she noticed an odd symbol beneath the crow skull.

When she tried to get an exact read of the door's aura, it spoke to her.

One day all will know the daughter of Hastur- and the whole world will bow to the dark stars which hang over the skies in Carcosa.

Carcosa? Luna had never heard of such a place before.

The Night-Gaunts will fly in legion as they descend upon the masses, their stinging clutches carrying them to Hali to join the pit of the Shoggoth’s.

The Princess had heard enough. She opened the door and passed the threshold into the madness- and regretted it immediately. She felt as though she was being crushed beneath something and the door was long gone. She pressed forward.

Whatever she was in felt gooey and smelled rotten. It was at once solid and liquid- and she began to claw her way out, determined to stamp out this strange threat to her Kingdom. Finally, her head broke the top and she could breathe in the foul smelling air. Which was a step above no air. She pulled herself to shore and looked back. Her eyes widened and she retched fiercely.

It wasn’t a lake at all.

It was a sea of rotting, mushy corpses; their skin so soft it would slough off the bone at the lightest graze. She looked on in horror, seeing corpses of all sorts of strange creatures in there- many of the ones on the very top looked somewhat distinguishable. By the Moon…

Speaking of which- she finally looked upwards. She had never seen anything so strange since the reign of Discord. The sky itself was as bright as day, despite the twin moons hanging high in the sky; and the stars looked like dots of a black void in the daytime sky. And directly in front of her was a bright, xanthous wall nearly as high as Mount Canterhorn.

Using her magic, she summoned a rusty claymore- which when infused with her magic, became a blade of pure, raw moonlight; a favorite of hers from the days of yore. Holding it at the ready, she began the flight up the high wall- and literally gasped in awe at the city beneath her.

The city beneath her was far, far larger than any she had ever seen. She was willing to bet that if a city this big existed anywhere on Equus, it could fit the entire population of Equestria- and then some. In the center of the city stood a large, black-roofed castle, or a cathedral perhaps.

The sight was so beautiful that The Princess let her guard down for a moment- and that was all they needed.

She felt something yank her wings so hard they pulled out of their sockets; The hands of the strange creature stung like barbed wire nettles as it lifted her back over the sea of corpses. She shrieked in pain and terror, dropping her claymore far, far below into the black void. She looked up at the creature- and saw that it wasn’t alone.

Hundreds, maybe even thousands of these creatures flew in the sky. They had black horns, were completely faceless, and had black, membranous wings.

In her time, she felt as though she had seen it all. The reign of Discord. The madness of Tirek. She fought, won, and lost countless wars, battles, and skirmishes- endured so much bloodshed that the average Pony would simply give up on life.

Nothing. Nothing could have prepared her for what was happening to her right now. She charged her horn to cast a spell but one of the creatures grabbed her horn, causing her to scream in pain- it felt as though her horn had been inverted to the inside of her skull.

She blinked away tears- and decided to look down.

The sea of corpses seemed to be alive with movement, the mass grave writhing as though it were in agony. Then, like a wave, a column of corpses went higher and higher, splitting in half at the top like a mouth. Her breathing intensified as she lifted a hoof to grab on to the demon which held her, deciding that the stinging pain was much, much preferable to whatever awaited her in the Maw of Corpses.

She heard a loud, witch-like cackle. She couldn’t hold on anymore- falling. Falling to whatever demise awaited her.

When Princess Luna woke up the next morning, to say she was confused would be an understatement.

Last thing she remembered, she was policing dreams… then… then what? She had no idea. Although what made her most confused was the strange symbol that popped in her head. She must have seen it somewhere before, surely? She just couldn’t remember where. Perhaps it was an interesting crater pattern on the moon?

Either way, she paid it no mind as she got ready to take her Sisters place in the court.

She still didn’t understand what rizz means.

“The most merciful thing in the world, I think, is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents.”

-Howard Phillips Lovecraft

---

You ever have that moment when you wake up, knowing that you had a sweet dream but couldn’t remember it for the life of you? That was me right now.

But I wasn’t about to allow that to get in my way.

Let me tell you, this past week has been an interesting one. The media’s been going batshit- apparently a little girl almost being sexually assaulted by a drunkard was enough to spark a moral panic among the populace- people are protesting to have alcohol banned to “protect the kids.”

It’s a shame we were leaving- there’s always good money to be made bootlegging.

Even better, though; the cops had the decency to keep Ma and I anonymous to protect us- which came as a relief, to be frank.

International attention is never a good thing.

Ma and I had been discussing where to go, before we eventually came to the conclusion that immigrating to Equestria was our best bet right now. We planned to settle in a pony city- called Manehattan.

Eugh. That pun is fucking awful.

Today, I was gonna get a wagon for us. The plan is to take that wagon Northwest- through Nalot to the port city of Beaksmouth- and sell it there, along with whatever we don't need and buy tickets for a ship across the sea. Since most of our money was in the form of solid assets, we would just open a new bank account in Manehattan.

Not like we had a whole lot, anyway.

I was just strolling the city in my favorite cloak, finishing up any business- when I was stopped by a familiar blue face.

“Hey, boss!” he ran up to me excitedly and I just nodded with a smile.

“What’s up?” I asked, tilting my head.

“Did the intel work out good? I haven’t seen ya in awhile!” to which I responded by slapping him on the cheek.

“We are in broad daylight,” I said with a gritted beak, “Lower your voice.” I gave him a smile.

“And yes. You did good, real good kid.” he beamed at me. I wasn’t sure why he was so loyal, but I wasn’t complaining- especially since I pay him in basically table scraps.

“I’m gonna be leaving for a good while tomorrow morning.” Just like that, his smile shrank. “And don’t give me that look. You’ve been watching me work for long enough that I think you know what you’re doing.” He gasped,

“Really!? You really think so?” I rolled my eyes and gave him a smile.

“Yeah, I think you got what it takes. Just try not to get arrested, alright?” His smile grew- and I yelp!’d when he pulled me in for a friendly hug. I rolled my eyes again and patted him on the back. He let go and I just had to ask,

“So, what’d you say your name was, again?” He tilted his head, confused.

“It’s Gallus. Did I not tell you before?” I just shrugged.

“Eh, I probably forgot.” I gave him a smirk and held out my hand, “Nice to meet you. I’m Leona. Maybe someday we’ll meet again?” I just shrugged as we shook hands for what was probably the last time.

“May all your future ventures be profitable.” I said, turning around to leave. Then I had a second thought.

“One more thing, Gallus.” he looked at me and tilted his head. I snapped my fingers twice.

“Smokes. Let’s go.” He grinned and pulled a couple smokes out of his bag.

Then we parted ways.

Who knows? Maybe someday he’ll be a Made Man.

---

Next stop: lunch.

“Ayyy, Vito!” I yelled, and the jolly old man waved back.

“Now what can I help you with, little lady?” he asked, and I rolled my eyes. Like he doesn’t know damn well why I’m here.

“You know I had to get one more sandwich before Ma and I left tomorrow.” I set a couple bits on the counter- and threw in a few extra. He’d need it. He handed me a sandwich wrapped in foil, and I said,

“Thanks Vito. It’s been awesome.” I gave him a warm smile, while he smirked and rolled his eyes.

“I wish you and Ma nothing but success in your journey.” I went in for a quick hug,

“Same to you, Vito.” We'd already said our tearful goodbyes the other day when Ma and I broke the news to them at their place.

Poor Auntie was sad to see us go, but she’s glad we’re pursuing better lives for ourselves.

I just flew and ate my sandwich, making my way towards the next destination: the cart dealership.

---

I approached the cart dealership casually, the door making a ding as I walked in.

“Hey, Georgie! You around?” I yelled- the man in question appearing from the back- an older man, an ex guardsman with an eyepatch and his rear left leg missing.

“Ayy, Leona! Meet me out back. I got the stuff ready for you.” I smiled and nodded, going around the building.

The wagon we would be using was… if it was any shittier it’d have square wheels- but it would function. It was big enough to fit just enough provisions for the journey, our belongings, and some extras like camping gear.

“This got all I asked for?” I asked the old combat veteran and he gave me a grin.

“Yes it does! In fact, check this out-” in the back of the wagon there was a long, wide box. I gasped and my smile widened-

“No way that’s what I think it is!” I excitedly opened the box like I was opening the first gift on Christmas morning. What I beheld was beautiful.

It was a crossbow- painted black as night. One of the military assault models, with a shortened stock, pistol grip, and recurve arms- all the stuff the monarchy wanted banned from private ownership. There was a cocking lever up top which is what made it an assault model- a skilled soldier can fire off as many as five bolts a minute with this.

I had to wonder if it also took fifty-round drum clipazines and shoelace actuated bumpstocks?

Wait. What?

You’re probably wondering why I requested this one. It’s uh… it’s for hunting. Things. All kinds of things, yessir. Lots of hunting. I love hunting.

No, really. We may need to hunt for meat at some point during the journey.

Anyways, I tossed him the heavy sack of bits I owed him.

“You sure you’re willing to part with this?” I asked him- after all, this thing looked pretty fuckin’ top notch.

“Nah, it’s fine. I got like seven more.” He gave a hearty laugh, and I couldn’t help but roll my eyes and smile.

“Meet me outside my place tomorrow morning with all this?” The guy smiled and gave a mock salute.

“Yes, ma’am!” I nodded, satisfied.

I went home after that- it was time to get packin’.

---

The next morning, we were out the door and on the way. Ma was hooked up to the wagon and I was sitting on her back, just looking around as we traveled.

When we passed the city gates I couldn’t help but feel excited- We were going on an adventure! I wanted to see everything this strange world had to offer at least once before I died(again).

I also wondered what kind of sketchy shit I’d be able to get away with in Manehattan?

“Hey, Mamma. Can I ask you something?” I had a question that had been stuck in my mind for the past couple days now.

“Go ahead, sweetie.”

“When you were fucking all those guys, were their cocks at least big?” She stopped abruptly, lowering her head and causing me to roll off her back.

“That’s it. You’re walking.” She gave me a wide smirk and we both started cracking up.

“I love you, Mamma.”

“I love you too, baby.”

Scrumpy-O

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The farther we got from the city, the less dense everything got altogether- less people, less buildings, less signs of civilization in general.

You may be wondering why we didn't just take a train?

Well… coal shortage. Duh. Most consumer train lines have been shut down to prioritize commercial lines- And the few left running are so buttfuck expensive that it's more economical for us to just leg it.

We were currently pulled over on the side of the road- I had to rock a piss and Mamma wanted to stretch her wings for a minute. That done, I was just leaning against the wagon smoking a cigarette. In retrospect, I probably shouldn’t have picked that habit back up after being clean for almost 30 years. Mamma was inclined to agree.

“You know, I really wish you’d quit smoking-” Mamma was hitching herself back up to the wagon- “It’s no good for you, it’s a hard habit to break and it’s expensive. You oughta quit while you’re ahead.” Fuck, don’t I know that.

“Yeah, withdrawal’s a bitch. Although, do you really think I’ve ever paid for a cigarette in my entire life?” I gave her a smug smirk and she stopped what she was doing and looked at me. I shrugged and she rubbed the bridge of her beak.

“What am I gonna do with you?” I just chuckled.

“What? They fell off the back of a delivery wagon. All four cartons I brought. Lucky us, huh?” her glare intensified and I took that as my cue to shut the fuck up. Mamma was hooked back up at this point so we started down the road again.

“You know, I was being serious the other night. I really, really don’t want you doing anymore… greasy stuff.” I just snorted,

“It’s not greasy, it's survival!” Evidently, she was starting to pick up on my lingo.

“I’ve literally heard you call that stuff greasework before!”

“There’s a difference! It’s greasy when I’m doing it for fun. I’m doing it because if I go too long without a cigarette, I’m gonna snap.” Ma just groaned.

“I swear, when we get to Equestria I am taking you to a doctor and we are gonna wean you off that junk.” I just rolled my eyes, and mom snapped back saying,

“And don’t you roll your eyes at me, missy!” I admit, I jumped a little. “You better be ready, because I am not gonna be nearly as lenient as before! While I have always respected your individual wants and freedoms…” she looked around briefly, making sure no-one was nearby-

“Someone is dead because I let you go too far!” I just raised my wings in a gesture that said Alright alright, point taken.

“Alright, look. I’ll try to cut back,” I said as I popped another smoke into my beak. “After this one. And you’re still on about that guy? That was like a week ago!” She slapped the back of my head with a wing, causing me to accidentally spit my cigarette out into the mud, ruining it.

“Leona, for fucks sakes! I’m still seeing that everytime I close my eyes!” her hand was gesturing wildly around, “Do you know why I ran that night?” I just looked at her, a lump forming in my throat.

“Because I was afraid! Afraid of that man, afraid of the guards… For fucks sake, afraid of you, Leona!” I let out a shaky breath.

“I saved our asses, you can’t deny that! Not to mention, if we didn’t have the money from our more successful jobs, we’d be fucking homeless and you’d still be out hookin’!”

“And that’s what horrifies me! If it meant a good payday, how many more would you kill!?” A lot. I have killed a lot for a good payday- “Would you kill me if it meant you’d get paid for it?” My eyes widened in… shock? Disgust? I don’t know.

“No! No, I would never!” My breathing began to intensify- “I will fucking brutalize anyone who even fuckin dared lay a finger on you!” my voice began to crack fiercely, tears rolling down my face as though the mere idea itself were a tragedy… Would I hurt her if it meant a good payday? Just… just the thought hurts I guess. She spoke up.

“And that’s what terrifies me. Whether you mean well or not, you are fucking terrifying, Leona.”

And I couldn’t deny it one bit.

“Mamma…” I sniffed, “You’re all I have in this world. Without you, I am nothing but another twisted fucking psychopath for them to throw in a cell.” And it was true. Mamma put a wing around my back and I leaned into her side, regaining my composure a bit.

“Sweetie, you’re not nothing. No matter what happens, you are the world to me.” she let out a deep sigh. “It’s just… What you did was wrong. Plain and simple.”

After a few moments of silence, she spoke up.

“Look, when we get to Equestria, I want you to promise me something.” I just sniffled and looked up at her wordlessly.

“Make some friends. And I don’t mean associates or business partners, I mean real, honest to goodness friends. That’s all I ask.” I blinked and thought about it. I really don’t have any friends, do I? In retrospect, did I ever have any real friends? I had The Family back on Earth, but were any of them real friends? I know one of them definitely wasn’t, the rat bastard.

“You’re right.” I gave her a weary smile. “I’ll try and make some friends.” She gave me a warm smile.

“I love you, sweetie. I just want you to have a normal childhood. Please, don’t force yourself to grow up faster for my sake or anyone else's.” Something tells me that she’s speaking from experience.

“I won’t, Mamma.” I pulled out another cigarette and lit it.

“Are you fucking kidding me right now?” She deadpanned and I shrugged.

“What? I like to smoke when I get all emotional like that.” Among other situations.

She just facepalmed.

---

The skies were nearly black and the rumble of thunder rang out in the distance- So Mamma and I were literally hauling ass to find shelter. It felt like we’d run for a mile when finally we came across a quaint little homestead.

It was an adorable, barbie-doll looking house painted pastel pink and covered in heart motifs, and even had a front porch with a table. I pointed at it and Mom gave me a pat on the back.

We approached slowly- and I had my dagger ready in its holster. Just in case.

“Let me do the talking.” I said to Mamma. Knocking on the door, I was pleasantly surprised to see an old, light pink earth pony mare- apparently she was surprised as well.

“My, my- we don’t get many travelers out this way.” she gave me a warm smile and I gave her the best adorable look I could.

“Hello ma’am! My Mamma and I were wondering if we could wait out the storm here for a bit?” Thunder rumbled in the distance and I prayed the answer would be yes. I felt relieved when she gave me a smile.

“Of course, dearie.” She looked over to Mamma- “If you’d like, you can park that wagon in our barn over there.”

We did just that, and the first droplets of rain began to fall.

“Eustace!” the old woman yelled into the house- “Put tea on! We got guests!”

Mamma spoke up- “Oh no, we couldn’t-”

“Oh, nonsense dearie. Have a seat, take a load off.” Personally, I wasted no time doing such a thing.

Their living room looked like your average grandmother’s house, but it seemed extra-frilly somehow.

“You know, I don’t think we’ve properly introduced ourselves.” Mom flashed me a glare and I shrugged. Smiling at our lovely host she said,

“I’m Amelia, and this is my daughter, Leona. We’re really grateful you let us stick around for a bit.” the old lady shrugged.

“Oh, nonsense, dearie. We’re always happy to help travelers in need.” she took a seat on one of the loveseat, “My name’s Sugar Magnolia, but you can call me Maggie.” Mamma took a seat next to me on the other couch and I spoke up finally.

“Well, it’s good to meet you, Miss.” politeness was never my strong suit so it felt forced, but Mamma hasn’t smacked me with a wing yet so I must be doing something right.

“Mamma and I are on our way to Manehattan!” My voice was full of childlike wonder, and to be frank it kind of was. The old unicorns eyes lit up,

“Ohhh, you’re on your way to Equestria? How delightful!” I nodded my head.

Suddenly, a griffon about as old as Maggie walked in holding a hot kettle. He set it on the coffee (or was it tea?) table and poured some for who I presumed to be his wife.

“And this is my husband, Eustace.” The old man seemed… a little grumpy, not even gonna lie. Regardless, he put a wing around his wife. He simply nodded and hmm'd a confirmation.

And so, we basically sat around, drank tea, and shot the shit as the rain poured down. Except Eustace- he was content with staying quiet.

Eventually, he decided to speak.

“Goin’ out for a smoke.” And those were words that were music to my ears. Wordlessly I hopped off the couch to follow him.

“And just where are you going?” I looked back and shrugged.

“I like to watch the rain.” Technically not a lie. It’s relaxing.

I didn’t even look back for a response.

---

Amelia just buried her head in her hands.

“I am such a terrible mother.”

“Now just wait a minute!” Maggie spoke up, startling her. The aged unicorn took her seat next to the griffon. “What makes you think that?”

Amelia just had a bitter look on her face.

“She’s going out to smoke, too.” she started to rub the bridge of her beak. “I gave her too much freedom growing up and I’m paying the price for it.” she let out a deep sigh. Maggie just put a hoof around her back.

“Talk to me, hun. What do you mean by that?”

“Well… Leona is a brilliant little hen. Do you know how old she was when she said her first words?” Maggie just smiled, urging her to keep going.

“Two months!” Maggie’s eyes widened in disbelief. “And her first words? She told me to shut the fuck up because I was thinking out loud! And she didn’t mean to say anything either, she admitted as much.

“At two months old, she was reading through my highschool textbooks and jotting everything down with nearly perfect handwriting! She helped me with my algebra homework- at two months old!” she stated the fact in earnest, as though she couldn’t believe it herself.

Then she noticed the odd look she was getting from Maggie.

“I… I realize that sounds insane but it’s all true. Either way- when she was growing up, I always thought… Goodness, it feels terrible to say, but I thought she’d do great things! That she’d wanna make the world a better place!” She wasn’t sure why she was basically ranting to this lady she just met- perhaps she’s just glad to have anyone to talk to.

“But… but all she wants to do with her life is break the law, all because she finds it fun!” Her biggest regret, perhaps, is the fact that she allowed Leona to continue with her dirty work knowingly- though she’d never admit that fact that she allowed it out loud. “I’ve tried to stop it, but no matter what I do she’s always going behind my back!”

Surprisingly, Maggie chuckled.

“You want my advice?” Amelia looked over to her and tilted her head.

“Don’t settle in Manehattan. That city has a high population- and it’s easy to become another face in the crowd.

“No, what you want to do is move somewhere comparatively tiny. After all- it’s hard to break the law in a town where everyone knows your face.”

The mother’s eyes widened- “You… you’re right. That sounds like a fantastic idea!” for the first time in a long time, she had hope that she could actually do this.

“My recommendation? Move to Ponyville. It’s a real small farming town, the population can’t be more than 300. In fact, I reckon that by the time you’d get there, the Apple family’ll be hiring extra help for their fall harvest.” Amelia’s smile grew wide.

---

I followed Eustace out to the porch, and I grabbed a patio chair and sat not too far from the miserable ol’ bastard. I heard the telltale sign of a lighter being a piece of fuck and not working- so I offered up mine.

Wordlessly, he nodded his thanks and lit his smoke. I did the same to mine and he looked over at me.

“What?” Was all I said.

“You smokin’ Marelboro’s?” I hmm’d in response. He nodded in approval.

“Good taste.” I smiled and nodded.

We both sat there, smoking our cigarettes and watching the rain pour down. I really wasn’t lying when I said I liked to watch the rain- it honestly soothes me. I decided to break the silence.

“Man, it’s really rainin’ horsecocks out there, ain’t it?” For the first time that night, I saw Eustace crack a grin.

“Suppose it is.”

Evidently, Eustace wasn’t much one for talking. I can respect it.

---

Eventually, the rain died down the next morning. Thankfully, the couple were totally fine with Mamma and I crashing on the couch. Mamma tried to give them some money as thanks, but Maggie politely declined- So I paid Eustace a pack of smokes instead. He gladly accepted.

Mamma was all hitched up and we were about to make our leave when we were stopped by Maggie one last time.

“Oh, by the way!” she said, handing Mamma a letter. “When you get to Ponyville, would you mind giving this to my cousin? Her name’s Scarlet Begonia- she works at the hospital there.”

“For what you did for us? I feel like I’m ripping you off as it is. Of course I can deliver it!” Mamma took the letter and put it in her side bags- then we were off.

Ten minutes down the road, I asked Mamma- “Where the heck is Ponyville?” and she just smirked at me.

“Maggie convinced me to… have a change of heart. It’s still in Equestria, mind you.” I just cocked an eyebrow. “You’ll love it there!”

“What’s it like?” I asked.

“It’s a surprise!” and that scared me.

---

Let me tell you- it’s been about a week since we last saw proper civilization, and I was getting awfully tired of canned food. So when we finally came upon a small farming village, called Bristle, I saw something that made my heart skip a beat. I grabbed Mamma’s arm excitedly, pointing at the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen- at least in a week.

“Look, look!” She stopped and looked at the sign outside of the local inn.

“Hot hamburg sandwiches?” She cocked an eyebrow at me.

“Equals hot- pull the fuck over, I’m starvin’!”

“Sweetie, do we really have time for that?” what the actual fuck kind of question is that?

“Come ooooon! It’s getting late anyways, might as well stick around here for the night instead of setting up camp again!” I nudged her with an elbow- “And don’t tell me you’d rather have canned ravioli for dinner again!” I looked up at her and gave the best puppy dog eyes I could- “Pleeeease Mamma?”

Evidently, it worked.

“Ohhh, alright.” she had a faint smile and I yelled out,

“Yayy!” I was literally jumping for joy!

The town we were in was a small, very British looking town with stone brick buildings, a stone bridge going over a short creek- and the pub was no different.

We parked the wagon outside and locked it up. The inside of the pub was as British as you’d expect. I noticed that as a running theme, lately- ever since we crossed the border into Nalot, the overall design cues of each town started to shift from that odd medieval-ism to a more… west country type of vibe, I think.

“Oi thah, trav’lers! Whot cun I get ya’s?” That was the first thing the barmaid said to us. Her accent was… legible. Enough.

We took our seats at the bar, “Can we get two hamburgers and… how about a cider?” Mamma spoke up, and I was a little surprised- but also couldn’t blame her for wanting a proper drink.

“I’ll just take an applejuice on the rocks, if you would.” the barmaid gave a hearty laugh. Much to my surprise, she actually poured me an apple juice in a rocks glass- I said it as a joke, but I wasn’t complaining.

We both had our drinks and the barmaid walked away to let the cooks know what we were getting. As she walked away, I noticed Mamma looking at… a certain asset. She had a look in her eye that I recognized immediately- and I don’t fully blame her.

“You seein’ somethin’ you like?” I whispered to Mamma, and she blushed fiercely, lightly slapping the back of my head with a wing. I just giggled.

“I didn’t know you swung both ways, Ma.” I gave her a teasing elbow, “You thinkin’ about gettin’ back in the dating game, huh?” she gave me a side glance and said through a gritted beak,

“Shush.” the barmaid came back, and she immediately looked down.

“Oi, yer lookin’ awf’lly red thah!” she said, and I found the perfect opportunity to fuck with Ma.

“I think my Mamma likes you, ma’am!” Immediately, she began to stammer out-

“N-no, you see, the-the cider, makes me blush, you know how alcohol is-” The barmaid gave a knowing smirk, looking at the untouched glass of cider. Mamma went to cover her face with her wings, and the barmaid leaned over the counter.

“Ya know, ya ain’t lookin’ too bad yerself.” Mamma’s eyes widened and I struggled to contain my laughter. “Muh shif’ll be endin’ soon- If’n ya’d like, we cun getta room- ya know, getta know us a bit, eh?”

“Oh, I-I couldn’t, my daughter-” I decided to interrupt-

“But Mamma! You’re always tellin’ me how important it is to make friends!” At first I was just fuckin around, but now… Eh, Mamma deserves to get some every now and again.

When she’s not getting paid to do it, that is.

“Yer girlie’s roight!” She leaned towards Mamma- “Name’s Penelope. Oi’m always lookin’ ta make new friends, eh?”

“If’n ya like, we can meet upstai’s in, say… an hou’a er so?” Mamma glanced at me and I nodded my head quickly.

“Y-yes… yeah, that does sound fun. Name’s Amelia.” Penelope leaned in and smooched her on the cheek, saying-

“Nevah gotta meet a Fuh’tilian befoah!” Penelope gave a chuckle and Mamma downed her cider, her face looking redder than I’ve ever seen it.

“Well, ya dinnah’s about’ta be ready for ya’s!” She went into that backroom and I just gave Mamma a smug look. She just groaned in annoyance. Through a gritted beak, she said-

“Don’t judge me, I’m in heat right now. You’ll understand when you’re older.” I just shrugged.

“I ain’t sayin’ nothin. You deserve to get you some, what with how hard you’ve been workin’.” she rubbed the bridge of her beak.

“And while you’re uh… making friends, I’ll ask the owner if he needs help with any odd jobs, make a little extra loot on the side.” Mamma nodded slowly, apparently not being all there.

“Also, make sure to put a towel on that seat before you leave.” she slapped the back of my head with a wing for that one. Well, at least I knew she was still listening.

Penelope handed us our dinner and went off to serve the other patrons. Mamma spoke up-

“You know, I… I’m not feeling as hungry.” I just snorted.

“For food, maybe.” I managed to dodge the wing this time.

---

About an hour later, Mamma went upstairs and I asked the bar’s owner if there was anything I could do for some extra loot- so I was going around bringing everyone their drinks and food. The bar really started to get busy- evidently everyone was done working for the day.

It was actually a pretty good gig- I used my cuteness to my advantage, and was making decent loot off tips and stuff.

It ain’t much, but it’s honest work- never thought I’d ever say that unironically. Eventually, I saw Mamma walk down the stairs with a face that made her look like she just smoked a bowl and her head feathers looking like a wild mess- evidently, she had a good time.

The bar was poppin’ off by now- the crowd was starting to swell and the band was singing in gibberish I couldn’t understand, but apparently the locals understood perfectly. I could barely make out the chorus- it went something like… Thee’s got’n where thee cassn’t back’n Hassn’t- whatever the actual fuck that’s supposed to mean.

It was oddly catchy though.

“So, did you two become good friends yet?” I asked my Mamma and she slowly nodded. Penelope just started laughing.

“Sump’n like tha’!”

Just then, someone from the crowd spoke up.

“Oi, lemme tell ya’s!” he yelled, his booming voice getting everyone’s attention. “Oi’m willin’ ta bet tha’ Oi cun outdrink just abou’ any’un heah!” quiet murmurs started to erupt from the whole joint, and I smelled an opportunity to make some more loot.

“I bet my Mamma can outdrink you any day of the week!” All eyes turned towards Mamma and I, and she started to blush.

“Oh, no, I… I couldn’t!” I had a feeling that if all the eyes weren’t on us I would’ve had to dodge a wing. I elbowed her.

“C’mon, Mamma! You’ve got Gramma’s blood in you!” She looked from side to side, and Penelope spoke up.

“Ya know… If’n ya win, we cun do ‘ound two in tha morn!” Her eyes widened and she wasted no time.

“Alright, I’ll do it!” I just started cracking up and Mamma glared at me.

“I’m willing to bet 20 bits on my Mamma!” I spoke up, and that got the ball rolling.

We got it set up so there was a table directly in the middle of the pub- Mamma on one side, and the guy on the other. In the middle of the table was a sizable pile of coins that would be given to the winner of the “duel.”

One of the barmaids brought out two big, brown jugs. You know, of alcohol. I asked Penelope,

“So what’re they drinking, anyway?” She gave me a smile.

“Scrumpy, a’ course!” I just tilted my head in confusion.

“It’s a coidah- a strong ‘un at tha’.” That was all I needed to know. Not gonna lie, I found her voice a bit irritating. I can only imagine how she’d sound in bed.

Mom didn’t have to imagine, though.

And so, the night went on- and the combatants continued to drive the booze into ‘em.

Eventually, they were almost down to the bottom of their second jug. Slowly, Mamma lifted a shot to her beak- and with a smirk, knocked it back slowly; they were both nearing their limit.

Suddenly, her eyes started to close, her head nodding slowly. Come on, Mamma, you got this! I brought my hands to my beak, almost unable to watch, when suddenly-

“A. Ah’m good!” she looked back up with a start, her voice slurring heavily. She had a wide, dopey grin on her red face.

“YEAAAHHH, COME ON MAMMA!” I yelled, the crowd cheering her on as we went. If she won, we stood to make a decent amount of loot. The crowd quieted down as her opponent reached for another shot.

Slowly, he brought it to his beak- and knocked it back slowly. With a smug grin, he set the glass down- then started to tip over slowly.

THUD!

My smile felt ten miles wide as the crowd erupted into cheers. Penelope was quick to pull up to Mamma’s side, leaning into each other for support as I scooped our earnings into a sack.

Penelope, thank fuck, helped me bring Mamma back to their room. Thankfully, they had the foresight to change the sheets earlier- but I still claimed the sofa as my own.

“Ya shor ya’re awright wit me bein’ heah?” I just shrugged, saying-

“Eh, don’t worry ‘bout it. She deserves it, ya know?” Oddly enough, Penelope giggled.

“Ya’ve both got funny accents, ya kno’ tha?” I tilted my head at her in confusion.

“What you talkin’ ‘bout? Dis’ just how I talk, I ain’t got no accent!” she just continued to laugh and I just rolled my eyes as I counted our winnings.

“That aside, I appreciate you spending time with Mamma. She doesn’t get out much, ya see?” Penelope just shrugged. “Dad left before I was born, and she’s been by herself since.” she simply nodded.

“Ah, I feel ya’ there.” Just then Mamma, who I thought was asleep, decided to chip in her thoughts on the matter.

“Bah, fuck ‘em! You shaid it ya’self, he’sh a deadbeat anyway!” she was so hammered she couldn’t even sit up by herself, so she just laid there on her side. I just chuckled.

“Now you’re learning.” She just snorted, eyes seemingly going unfocused.

“Ah, dat yellow fucker. ‘E washn’t even tha’ big!” I just snorted, paying her no mind. “Da fuckin… nerve a him!”

“You said it.” Just agree with whatever she says, she’ll go to bed eventually. Just like dealing with Gramma.

“Fuckin… fuck him. Fuck tha’ guy… knockin’ me up n’ leavin’ me wit… wit a little bahstad!” The feathers on my neck stood stock straight and my eyes widened. Penelope, who was otherwise silently reading, gasped aloud.

“Woah woah woah, Am!” she slapped the back of her head- “watch yer beak!” I lost count of the money.

“Ah mean, I nevah… nevah really wanted a kid, really…” the booze started to kick in- she started dozing off. “Ya know, ah wuz gonna git rid of ‘er, but Gramma shaid she’d… she’d…” I then heard snoring and a chill went down my spine. I got off the chair and climbed on the bed, trying to shake her awake.

“Mamma! Mamma, please tell me you’re joking!” I mean, I’ve said pretty stupid jokes like that before while drunk… My sense of humor has always been fucked like that. A lump formed in my throat, tears threatening to spill as I tried to wake her. She just kept snoring.

Evidently, she passed the fuck out. I was shaking terribly, my breath uneven. I’ll be honest- I’ve felt like such a crybaby lately and I hated it. I tried, I really did try and keep myself together in that moment.

“Aww, kid…” Penelope wrapped a wing around me. “Ah don’ think she meant it. We all say odd things when we’re drunk.” Her voice sounded… clearer than before. As if she was trying her hardest to speak as eloquently as possible for my sake. I just turned and lowered my head, choking back a sob as hard as I could.

No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t hold it back anymore.

I just feel so fucking pathetic. Why does it hurt so much? Am I a hypocrite? I even remember thinking to myself if I was in her shoes, I’d try to drink the fucker out. How was this any different?

I don’t think it was any different, but it just hurt so. Fucking. Bad.

---

The next morning, Amelia awoke to a pounding headache. She remembered there being a drinking contest- and not much after that. She looked around the room and smiled warmly when she saw the familiar face of Penelope, sitting on the chair and reading a book.

“Mornin.” she slowly started to get out of bed and Penelope looked up at her with a smile. She slowly closed the book she was reading.

“Bout time ya got up.” she got out of the chair, meeting her one night stand half way. “Gimme yer cheek.”

Amelia obliged with a dopey smile, expecting a good morning kiss on the cheek. What she got was a Nalotian kiss instead.

SLAP!

“Ow, what the fuck!?” Penelope looked at her with a look of utter fury in her eyes. She pointed a finger at her chest.

“You… you’ve gotta’ lot of apologizing to do!” Amelia was taken aback by this.

“What… what are you talking about?” She felt so confused- just what did she say to offend her one-night lover so much?

“Well… Ya started talkin’ bout yer ex.” was that it? “Say’s he’s got’n some nerve, leavin’ ya wit a bastahd.” Amelia’s eyes widened, shaking her head slowly.

“N-no… no I would never-”

“Then ya said ya neva’ wan’ed kids.” her heart sank, a lump forming in her throat. “You was sayin’ tha if’n ya had tha choice, ye’d’ve got’n rid o’ ‘er!” she lowered her head into her hands.

“No.. no I…” She looked up suddenly. “Where is she?”

“Say’d she was gone out fer a smoke, bout an hour ago. Down tha hall.” she nodded and began to run.

“Oh, by tha way. Yer tab’s downstairs.”

She barely paid her any mind.

---

I was almost down to the last couple smokes in my pack when Mamma came rushing out.

“Fuck off.” my voice was hoarse from the chain smoking. I’d barely noticed how low I was until she came out.

“Sweetie, I’m sorry!” she yelled, snatching me into a hug. “I-I didn’t mean to say those things!” tears rolled down her face and she was panting. I’d already cried all my tears by this point.

I just let out a deep sigh.

“Were they true?” she looked taken aback. “Those things you said. Were they true?” she glanced off to the side.

“At one point but… but that was a long time ago!” I flicked another cigarette butt into the dirt below. “And don’t think it’s not something I regret to this day!” that lump started to form in my throat again.

“And do you think that makes it hurt less?”

“No, it doesn’t! I know it’s not right, and I’m sorry!” my breathing started to go uneven. “I’m sorry for saying those things, sorry for ever thinking those things!” tears were rolling down her face freely. “You’re my baby… you’re my everything, my world! I love you with all my heart. I always have, and that’s never gonna change.”

I couldn’t take it anymore. I leaned in, burying my face in her chest. The more I thought about it, the more I realized- what does it matter? What does it matter what she thought eight years ago before I was born(again).

“Please… please, can you ever forgive me?” I pulled back and gave a wide, teary smile.

“It’s okay, Mamma. I forgive you.” She pulled me in tight, wrapping her wings around me like she thought I was gonna disappear. I was fine with that. “I get it. Drunk people have no filter- but what you felt a long time ago doesn’t change what we feel now, does it?”

Eventually, we both calmed down.

“Let’s get out of here, Mamma.” I said to her with a weary smile- then she started back inside the building. “Woah, where you goin’?” she looked at me confused.

“To… to pay for our tab?” I just snorted.

“Fuck that. I was working for peanuts all night for that bastard.” I started towards the balcony. “The loot’s already on the wagon ready to go.” I gave her a smug smirk. “I figured this would happen, so I got a plan ready.”

She looked at me. Then back to the door. Then back to me. Then she grinned. “You’ve always got a plan, don’t you?” I just laughed.

The plan was simple- we just needed a little more money, then we’ll take a boat to Tahiti and become mango farmers!

Wait. What?

We both glided off the balcony, and I began to help Mamma put on the harness as fast as possible.

Just as we got hooked up- I glanced towards the window. Penelope was there, staring wide-eyed at us. I saw her yelling something, and that was our cue.

“MOVE MOVE MOVE!” I yelled, “Head north! Trust me!” Mamma nodded and the chase was on.

So there’s an interesting thing I was reading about griffon psychology vs pony psychology. See, ponies are herd animals at their core- so if they see a couple people running through town, their instinct is to join the stampede; because long before civilization rose, if they saw someone running, that meant there was danger in the opposite direction.

Griffons, on the other hand- are the danger. So when two griffons start running through town, the bystander effect kicks in hard- after all; They must be chasing after prey, and no one wants to get in the way.

So when Penelope and the tavern owner started chasing us, people started clearing a path.

I love psychology. Mamma was hauling ass and I was sitting in the back of the wagon. They were gaining on us, so I dug through the wagon for our salvation- just a quick little drink, you know?

I saw the stone bridge approaching, and that would be our ticket to freedom. The bridge isn’t very wide, after all- and only goes across a small river.

I grabbed a bottle of pure grain alcohol out of the wagon, with a liquor soaked rag as a stopper.

We were almost at the bridge. I lit the rag with my cigarette lighter.

“HAVE A FUCKIN DRINK, ASSHOLES!” I slammed the bottle onto the bridge just after we crossed it, and I saw our two assailants struggle to stop- it would be impossible, they didn’t have enough time; so they opted to jump in the river instead.

“SO LONG, FUCKERS!” I raised up two middle fingers- “YOUR APPLEJUICE SUCKS AND YOUR ACCENTS PISS ME OFF!”

Mamma kept running for a while until we were sure they had given up. She slowed to a stop and pulled off to the side of the trail we were on.

“So much for not doing greasy stuff anymore.” Was all I said. Mamma undid the harness and was leaning her back against the wagon. I sat next to her, leaning into her side. She took a deep breath and said,

“We are so fucked up.” I just snorted.

“Ain’t that the truth.” After a few seconds, I spoke up with a smile. “I love you, Mamma. You’re the best mother anyone could ask for.”

She simply smiled and put a wing around me.

Man, we just can’t stay mad at each other.

Wanted Dead Or Alive

View Online

I went hunting with that crossbow not too long ago, and I tell you- that thing was nice. Bagged us a fat friggin’ squirrel for dinner.

That said- I really miss having a proper gun. Yeah, the crossbow is deadly. It’s accurate. It’s even quiet- but it just doesn’t feel right to me. I’ve long gotten used to the feeling of my Guardian Angel not being in my back waistband- but I do yearn for it.

That was a beautiful piece- lemme tell ya. It was an old Smith and Wesson; It shot my own handloaded pissin’ hot .357 rounds that would clap just about anything you’d shoot at. Hell, sometimes I didn’t even need to shoot the thing- sometimes all it takes is staring down the barrel of a .357 held by a deranged lunatic to… convince someone to cooperate.

To say firearms were a hobby of mine would be an understatement. I love everything about them; the weight, the recoil, the smell of gunsmoke, the deafening roar of gunfire.

Crossbows just… aren’t the same. Although…

I do know how to make old fashioned black powder- after all, it’s only three ingredients, really. I used to make that shit for fun. I’d just need to figure out a steady source of saltpeter- but I do have a general idea.

A project for the future, perhaps? Eh, who knows. I’ve got my whole life ahead of me. That’s plenty of time to figure out how to open Pandora’s Box.

Anyway, it was a pretty chill night. Mamma and I set up camp and were currently just sitting by the fire. I was just leaning up against her side and she had a wing wrapped around me.

“Mamma?” I asked, and she hmm’d, “How much longer?” At this point we’ve been traveling for a month and a half and I was honestly sick of it at this point. On one hand, it’s awesome because I get to see all the varied subcultures, architecture, and all the beautiful scenery; but on the other hand, traveling does get tiring after a while. Not having constant access to fresh food, sometimes going days without running water, that sort of stuff. And aside from that, I’ve just overall been feeling homesick.

“Actually, we’re almost there. Beaksmouth is about a day's travel from here.” I couldn’t help but breathe a sigh of relief.

The plan had changed a little bit, apparently. We were still gonna sell off the wagon and whatever else we didn’t need in Beaksmouth- the part that changed is the fact that we’re moving to some town called Ponyville instead. I’d never heard of the place myself, but I trust Mamma knows what she’s doing. We’d take a train from Manehattan- which is much cheaper over there than it is here.

Let me explain why; Griffons use coal for everything. Equestrians basically just use it for trains. Apparently, all their stuff is powered by latent magic in the air, caused by having so many unicorns there and some crystal gem nonsense. I won’t even pretend to understand it- but that’s the nature of magic, isn’t it? By its very existence, it just doesn’t make sense! But apparently it works!

And speaking of Equestrian coal, those pastel fuckers are shafting us, too. They know damn well that they can name the price of coal whatever they want and ship it overseas. Of course, I can’t blame them for having good business sense.

Fucking diamond dogs.

Ah, but enough complaining. Right now? I was feeling pretty damn content with my life. Overall, things could be a lot worse.

I mean, I still got Mamma after all. Although, I did have something I’ve been meaning to ask her.

“Mamma? Is it alright to ask what happened to your parents?” As a response, she pulled me in tighter with her wing. “If you don’t want to talk about it, that’s totally fine.”

“I’ll tell you when you’re older…” she then let out a sigh. “Oh, hell with it. I think you understand the concept of death well enough to handle it.” Yeah, I am quite familiar with it.

“It was when I was young… young enough to not remember it, really. They were both still in college at the time.

“They… they made a suicide pact- and to this day, I’m not fully sure why. Gramma pretty much refused to talk about it and that ship’s well passed.” she began to look up at the sky towards the stars. “From what I gathered, they figured… something out- and for whatever reason, they just couldn’t take it. But that’s all just rumor and hearsay. Whatever messed them up so bad, is a secret they took to their graves.” I honestly couldn’t think of anything worth saying- so I wrapped one of my wings around her.

“Sweetie, I want you to promise me something.” I cocked an eyebrow. “If you’re ever feeling so bad as to consider… that… please, just… just tell me.” I saw a tear roll down her cheek, reflected off the moonlight. “You’re all I have in this world.” I just went in for a hug.

“I promise, Mamma.”

---

The next night, we finally, finally fucking made it to Beaksmouth. The place looked like a rough and tumble New-England style port town. If this story was written by Lovecraft, he would probably go into a long- winded description about gambrel roofs, steepled buildings, small paned windows, that sort of stuff. Then he’d probably start writing about a thinly-veiled allegory about either race-mixing, immigration, or a combination of the two.

Then again, if Lovecraft wrote a story like this, people would think he was hitting the opium too hard. I mean, seriously; Who could ever possibly make up a story as batshit crazy as a deranged lunatic getting reborn into magical bird-creature land where magic is real and two living Goddesses control the celestial bodies. I mean, that’s something that you’d come up with while in the middle of a sleepless amphetamine binge.

Wait. What?

Anyways, when we arrived that night, we stayed in a hotel. The plan was that in the morning, Mamma would take the wagon and sell off anything we didn’t need, like camping gear and the like; I’ll just have to get us tickets for a ship to Equestria. Simple as.

---

“Are you fucking kidding me?” The ticket man had a tired look in his eyes as though he’d had this conversation many times before.

“I’m sorry, Miss, but the prices went up in the last week since Equestria passed that new law.”

So apparently, what we didn’t account for was Equestria getting tired of the slew of immigrants, and enacting laws in an attempt to slow it. So, they made it fucking expensive. We could still technically afford it- but at the cost of 90% of our funds.

Honestly, we were fucked and I didn’t know what to do. Are we really gonna go broke just to jump ship? Dejectedly, I left the ticket office brooding terribly. So many things I wanted to do right now- many of which involved either arson or bloodshed.

As it turns out, salvation would come in the form of a cop nailing up a wanted poster.

“Hey mister!” I yelled, “What’s all that about?” The guard gave me a funny look.

“It’s a wanted poster. We’re looking to bring a real bad man to justice.” I took a look at the thing.

It had a sketch on it of an older looking griffon with an eyepatch over one eye and a scar over the other- named Amon, if the poster was anything to go by. Wanted dead or alive for a couple counts of murder and several counts of buggery. I looked at the cash reward and couldn’t help but grin- it’d be enough to get us overseas and then some.

“So let’s say someone does find him and brings him some frontier justice; will just his head be good enough to collect the bounty?” The guard tilted his head and looked at me funny.

“I… suppose,” he said slowly. “Uh, may I ask why you want to know?” My grin widened considerably.

“No reason.” I said, ripping down the poster and bolting back to my hotel room. This… promises to be fun.

---

I wasted no time in suiting up in my favorite gold-hemmed black cloak, throwing on a bandanna to cover my beak. The poster said that he was last spotted to the south, somewhere in the Manuxit swamps.

I then grabbed my tools- dagger, crossbow, a couple bolts, a burlap sack, binoculars, and a hacksaw.

Let the hunt begin.

I got several weird looks as I walked the streets of the town, but I paid them no mind as I flew due south. The swamp where I could potentially find my prey was a mere 20 minute flight- one which felt like hours from the anticipation.

I landed in one of the drier paths in the swamp. Immediately, I knew where to start looking- far in the distance, I saw a whole murder of crows flying away from something- which meant activity in the area. Slowly, I made my way to the commotion, my crossbow tucked under my wing for quick access.

Using the mud and undergrowth as camouflage, I kept my distance from the clearing where the commotion was heard. Once I was sure the path was clear, I made my way to the center- footprints. Griffon footprints- with something being dragged behind him. Unless some chucklefuck was out hunting in the hot swamps in the middle of the day, I had a lead on my quarry.

I was using my small size to my advantage well, being able to duck behind even the smallest bushes if I needed to. I also made sure to watch my step- the squelching of mud or the breaking of branches could easily alert my prey, putting my ass on the line.

I wasn’t gonna let that happen.

Eventually, I came across a rotting wooden shack, the door having fallen off long ago. From the bushes, I used my binoculars to get a closer look at the place- and there he was. Inside the window(or rather, cutout where a window would be) I saw my target, his eyepatch and scar as clear as day. He was moving back and forth, rhythmically- evidently, someone was having a good time. I could tell by the look on his face that he was well distracted.

So, I just casually waltzed up to the shack. The groaning and creaking of floorboards was easily audible from outside the building- I knew he wouldn’t hear a thing until it was too late. I just passed the threshold casually, not a care in the world and aimed my crossbow.

I cleared my throat as loud as I could- and he froze stiff. His body, that is- but the other thing was probably stiff too.

“Lucky you,” I said- and he had just enough time to turn around, eye widening like dinner plates. “Killed by the best!”

THWIP

The fucker screamed as the bolt pierced his chest- instantly downing him with a thud.

“No, really. Consider this your lucky day. Normally I’d watch you bleed, but I’m kinda busy today.” blood was leaking from the corners of his mouth as he writhed in agony on the floor. Swiftly, I drew my dagger and drove it right into his neck, severing his spinal cord.

I pulled a cigarette out and lit it, taking a deep drag.

“Nevermore.”

As for his… partner, she was long dead. She was… quite young. Terribly so. A shame, but what’s done is done.

It’s honestly nice, having plenty of time to deal with a corpse. I just sat leaning up against the wall, savoring my smoke.

Soon, I got to sawing, making a mental note of where to find this place.

---

I wasted no time in landing in front of the city jail. Then I opened the door and the bell dinged.

“What can I help… you…” his eyes widened- evidently he didn’t expect to see a little girl carrying a burlap sack soaked in blood. He was actually the same guy from earlier; I couldn’t help but smirk.

“I’d like to collect my bounty, please.” I tossed the sack to the ground before him. He just blinked, eyes widening. “You know, for that Amon fellow.” I pulled out the poster and handed it to him, and he just stared in disbelief. “Aren’t you gonna open the bag?” I asked, growing impatient.

Seriously, is it that rare of a sight to see a little girl carrying around a burlap sack with a severed head in it? He opened it slowly like he thought it was gonna explode- then he lifted it up and let the head fall with a splat. Despite all the blood, his distinctive scar and eyepatch were still there.

“Real piece of shit, that guy. Thankfully, I caught him with his pants down and his cock out. Literally.” He looked at the head. Then back to me. Then back to the head.

“There was another body there, if you’d like to know where I found him.” this made him blink and snap out of his stupor.

“Y-yes, very good. Uh, where is it?”

“You’re looking for a rotten old shack in the swamps. Head due south from here until the swamp starts getting thick, then start heading southwest. You’ll come across a clearing- just follow the footprints from there.” I gave a smug smirk. “You’re welcome.” Man, it felt good to be on the right side of the law for once. After a few moments of silence, he spoke up.

“Well, we… we thank you for your service, Miss…”

“Grimfeather.” I was stern in my voice- evidently the cop was a bit freaked out. “Can I have my check now?” He nodded slowly. “Make it out to Amelia, please.”

Way I figured it, we could just cash the check in Equestria when we opened that bank account. It’s probably easier than explaining where we got the massive pile of money from.

I was honestly feeling tired from all that adrenaline- So I decided to go back to the hotel and take a midday nap.

I think I’ve earned it.

---

You know, in all the excitement, I hadn’t really considered how my mother would feel about the whole situation.

I was in for a pretty rude awakening.

“LEONA GRIMFEATHER!” I awoke with a jolt, rolling over and falling off the bed with a thud.

“Huhwuh?” I was barely awake and feeling quite confused.

“I left you alone for five hours.” she stamped her foot down as to punctuate, “FIVE. HOURS.” she was pacing around the room and suddenly it clicked as to why she was upset.

“Look, I forgot to unthaw the turkey, I’m sorry. Just let it cook a little extra, it’ll be fine.” I yawned, stretching my back and wings like a cat would. I heard her facepalm hard, then she gave me a look that screamed are you fucking kidding me?

I blinked, confused. “Hold on, what’re we talking about? Can we start over?”

“Why… Just why in the name of Equus were you bounty hunting?” Ohhh, right. That.

“Well, shit. I didn’t think you’d find out about that.” I jumped up onto the nearby chair. She just looked at me, her eye twitching. She then sighed, rubbing her beak.

“Leona… You’re a very, very intelligent hen… but you’re an imbecile, Leona.” She took in a deep, exasperated breath, “Everyone was talking about it! Did you think people wouldn’t notice the little hen carrying a severed head in a burlap sack, then turning in a contract for a notorious murder-rapist?” I just shrugged.

“I don’t see what the big deal is. You pretty much said it yourself- the guy deserved it and you know it. Besides, what’s the big problem? It was totally legal!” More or less.

“Are you fu-” she facepalmed again. “WHAT IF HE HURT YOU?” I couldn’t help but cringe. That… was a fair point. “Then what would I have done!? I didn’t know where you went, didn’t know what you were doing, you didn’t even leave a note! This morning would’ve been the last I saw you!” That… hurt to think about.

“B-but, I-”

“Leona, for the love of fuck, there was a little girl there that was the same age as you! They had to bring in some poor widow to help identify the body!” her voice began to crack.

“Yeah, b-”

“What if that was me?” I tried to swallow the guilt. “What if that was me trying to identify your body!?” her voice was rising to a fever pitch, and I just wanted to crawl under the bed and die. I thought about that girl's corpse- I didn’t think much of it at the time, not really. But to imagine my mother seeing me in a state like that… I sniffled.

“I… I didn’t think about-”

“That’s the problem, Leona! You don’t think, you just act and let the potential consequences be damned!” She stopped her pacing and looked me in the eyes. “What you did was unfathomably stupid! Just because you wind up getting away with something, does not make it any less stupid!” Once again, I was about to start crying like a bitch, barely holding myself together. Mother walked up, lowering herself to my eye level.

Instead of a burning rage in her eyes, I saw… sadness. Pleading almost.

“Leona… one day this is gonna catch up to you. All it’s going to take is one wrong move, one wrong slip up for me to lose you forever. Please, just… stop going down this path, if not for your sake, then for mine.” And I couldn’t deny it, not one bit. She wrapped her arms around me, just quietly crying in my chest. I couldn’t help but join her.

What… What's wrong with me? Really? At no point did the idea that I could get hurt ever cross my mind… Is it because I’ve always accepted death as an inevitability, that it’ll happen whenever it happens? I’ve always had the philosophy that whenever I die doesn’t matter- after all, I’ll be dead- but even that’s not a certainty anymore.

I think the reason is… I’ve just never had anyone who actually gives a shit about me from a personal standpoint. Yeah, if I died the boss would have to find a new Caporegime to replace me, but I highly doubt anyone cried when I eventually croaked. But the idea that whenever someone finds my corpse, and even one person would genuinely be devastated by it…

It hurt more than anything else.

Mamma’s right. I can’t keep living like this. But the problem is… how the fuck do I stop? Earlier today was probably the most fun I’ve had in a while- the thrill of hunting the most dangerous game being unmatched. But now when I think about it, it disgusts me- not because I killed someone, but because I could’ve been killed- and in the process, hurt someone else.

“Mamma… how the fuck do I stop?” That line of work is all I’ve ever known. She sniffed and looked up with a small smile.

“You’re gonna like Ponyville, I think. It’s a real small town, population of less than 300. Lots of other kids to play with, too." Honestly, under normal circumstances I’d be appalled by the idea of moving to some barely-on-the-map backwater, but now… “We can settle down there, have a more normal life. Away from all the troubles happening over here.”

I couldn’t help but smile. “Okay, Mamma.” I think… Maybe it is time to finally settle down. Just chill- not worrying about money, being able to afford food on a regular basis… “That sounds lovely.” Not worrying about the country possibly falling into anarchy is also nice.

And so, we purchased our tickets and crossed the sea- belongings packed and a check of blood money to our name. Things couldn’t be more ideal for starting over.

---

Manehattan… was literally fucking New York. I didn’t think architecture like that was even possible currently, to be honest. There was even a pony Statue of Liberty. But we weren’t there for long- we cashed in our check and took a train down to Ponyville.

Let me tell ya- after a month and a half of walking, it was nice to just… sit and relax. As we often do, I was sitting next to Mamma and she had a wing wrapped around me.

Honestly? Ponyville sounded fantastic. The nearby Whitetail Woods provided ample hunting opportunities, rent was cheap… that’s all I can think of, but shit, what more do you need?

I had a good feeling about this place.

Smokin' In The Boys Room

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So far I’ve found Ponyville to be… calm. It’s a nice change of pace, really. Thanks to the money I made by aerating that guy's spinal column, we were able to rent out a cozy, two bedroom cottage with a living room, a kitchen, a bathroom (with hot water!) and a cellar for storage.

As it turns out- delivering that letter for Maggie turned out to be a fantastic move. It gave Mamma an in to work at the local hospital- which is something she’s always wanted to do anyway. Better than farm work, that’s for sure.

Admittedly, the townsfolk regarded us with suspicion at first- apparently, they had a bad experience with a griffon recently- but they welcomed us when they realized it was just a mother and her kid looking to live a better life.

I haven’t even broken any laws yet; She even took me to a doctor and they put me on a nicotine patch.

Unfortunately, I still had like 3 and a half cartons of smokes left. That… it felt a fuckin shame to get rid of them. I have, however, started chewing on straw just to keep my mouth occupied.

Honestly though, things have been working out fantastic. For the first time in almost a year, I don’t feel like I have to go do greasy stuff just to survive. Probably the greasiest thing I’ve done since I got to this town is to try smoking discarded cigarette butts- but it just wasn’t worth it. The patch works good enough, I guess.

What, you’ve never been so desperate as to try smoking butts? Frig off.

Even better (Or worse), we arrived just in time for the school year to be starting in the early fall. I… don’t know how to feel about that. On one hand, it’ll be nice to live somewhat of a normal life, but on the other hand… how the Hell am I gonna make friends with any of these kids? I feel like we have nothing in common- after all, we literally come from two different worlds.

Honestly? I was feeling kinda nervous. Thankfully, I had Mamma there.

We approached the red schoolhouse from a distance, Mamma putting her wing around my back.

“I don’t know about this… what if they make fun of me?” it felt so childish, but at the same time… it felt warranted.

“Sweetie, you’re gonna be fine. You’re gonna make a lot of friends, I can tell!” I just snorted.

“Come on, Ma. I’m an unlikeable asshole, you know that about as well as anyone else.” Once again, I felt a wing slap the back of my head.

“That’s bullcrap and you know it. And cut back on the swearing! I know for a fact Mrs. Cheerilee will not tolerate it.” I know as much- I was there when Mamma was signing me up for the school year. She asked me a yes or no question, and my response was does the tin man have a sheet metal cock?

She… she made sure to nip that habit in the bud, real fast. I also got slapped with a wing- a form of silent body language that means Girl you better shut it.

“Just try to be nice, alright?” I simply nodded. We arrived just in time- I heard the morning bell ringing. Mamma gave me a quick nuzzle on the cheek and set my lunchbag on my back. I honestly felt naked; I wasn’t wearing a cloak and I didn’t have my dagger on me. It felt wrong, to be honest.

“I love you, sweetie. Have fun!” I smirked.

“I love you too, but I can’t promise you anything to that extent.”

Mrs. Cheerilee stood outside and waved at us. I gave Mamma a quick hug, and I was off.

The plan was simple- Cheerilee was gonna do her new student spiel, I was gonna introduce myself, tell them a little bit about where I came from, maybe answer a couple questions, then just sort of exist for the rest of the day.

“Please, everypony give a warm welcome to our newest student!” That was my cue to enter.

On an unrelated note, I refuse to say things like everypony or anypony. That’s just stupid nonsense.

Slowly I walked through the door and gave a quick wave.

“How’s everyone doin’? Name’s Leona.” I gave a warm smirk. “Nice to meet ya’s.” Cheerilee spoke up-

“Why don’t you tell us about your home, Leona?” The classroom actually looked somewhat interested- after all, I was a bit of a novelty around here. I just shrugged.

“Well, for starters, it’s a bit of a dumpster fire right now. The economy’s falling apart in most places and there’s a very probable war of attrition on the horizon where any possible victory will likely be pyrrhic in nature. Fun, huh?” Most people in the classroom looked confused at most, aside from a few shocked faces. I figured out those ones for the nerds. I looked back and noticed that Cheerilee was giving me a glare- so I decided to change the subject.

“But let me tell ya, The various histories and cultures of The Confederacy is honestly my favorite thing to study.” I looked back to Cheerilee and she gave me a nod. “It’s so fascinating, I think. Griffons as a species are chimeric beings; we display traits both avian and leonine- two distinct species of animals which should have no compatibility whatsoever. Even the culture and the kingdoms are made up of many distinct architectural styles and themes- it’s as if the country itself is a chimera!” I noticed the looks of confusion and boredom I was being given from the classroom- I’ll be honest, I felt a little embarrassed.

“Well, before I bore ya’s to death, I was told ya’s had some questions?” and just like that, everyone in the room raised a hoof. I just snorted. “Full house tonight. Mind if I pull a chair?” I looked around the room.

“You there, yellow tall guy, what you wanna know?” and the kid proceeded to ask, in the slowest voice I’ve ever heard-

“Why do you talk so funny?” I facepalmed.

“Why does everyone ask me that friggin’ question? I ain’t got no accent, dis is how I talk!” the fat gray kid next to him spoke up-

“Why do you move your arms so much when you talk?” I just spread my arms wide in a gesture that said fuck if I know.

“I don’t know, why are you so fat? Next question,” I snapped my finger twice, “Let’s go.” Apparently, the pink pony wearing a tiara in the middle found that hysterical, and soon the whole class was laughing- except for the kid that looked like he was about to cry.

Cheerilee was less than thrilled.

"Leona?" She said, getting my attention. "See me before lunch. Take your seat, please. And yes, your mother will hear about this."

I just sucked in a breath through my gritted beak, cringing. "Ahhh shhhhhhucks" I was about to say the other thing, not even gonna lie.

I decided to take a seat next to pink tiara. After Cheerilee was distracted with the lesson, I saw a piece of paper slide across my desk. I looked over- and she smiled and nodded.

You’re pretty funny. My name’s Diamond Tiara- wanna hang out later? I gave her a smirk and a subtle nod, figuring eh, what the hell I got to lose?

Little did I know what sort of lasting effect saying yes would have.

---

After getting bitched out by Cheerilee for calling the fat kid fat, I found DT eating her lunch at one of the picnic tables. She was sitting next to the silver chick wearing glasses and a pearl necklace. They looked like the type of folks I’d normally try to rob- but I wasn’t gonna try anything.

“Hey, what’s up?” I sat across from them and began to unpack my lunch. “Diamond Tiara, yeah? My name’s Leona- you know, in case ya forgot.” I held out a hand which she shook.

“This is my best friend, Silver Spoon-” definitely rich kids- “What you said to Truffle earlier was pretty funny!” they both chuckled in unison, and I realized something- and I struggled to hold in my laughter.

“Waitwaitwait, hold on… His last name wouldn’t happen to be Shuffle, would it?” They both looked confused.

“Yeah… why?” Holy fuck there’s no fucking way… I began to crack up.

“So, the Truffle Shuffle is a… dance move from back home- we’d use it to fuck with the fat kids all the time. You’d make them jiggle around like a damn fool and make fun of ‘em for it.” I swear to fuck, pony names are God’s gift to this planet. They joined me in laughter, and we just shot the shit for a little bit.

Thankfully, Cheerilee was inside grading papers or someshit- so I didn’t have to worry about censoring myself.

Eventually, however, Truffle decided to give me his two cents. He was surrounded by a posse of three other kids- A white unicorn, an orange pegasus, and a yellow earth pony. I cocked an eyebrow.

“The hell is this supposed to be?” he seemed taken aback by my choice of wording. I didn’t care.

“W-what you said earlier… i-it really hurt, you know!” I just snorted.

“You asked me a stupid question, why shouldn’t I ask you a stupid question? And besides, you go look in the mirror and tell me I’m wrong.” I took a sip of my apple juice, “Preferably a double-wide one.” the girls at my table started cracking up- and I smiled. Then I noticed his Cutie Mark- which was a knife and fork.

“What’s your special skill anyway?” I asked, giving them a smug look. “Drivin’ food into your gut?” the laughter continued from my table- “How much did you piledrive into that big fuckin’ cheeseburger locker today?” He started to shake, backing off slightly. Fuck em- if he can’t handle getting roasted, it’s hardly my fault.

“If you don’t stop that, we’re gonna tell on you!” Just then, my laughter stopped. I fixed her a scowl which wordlessly said now you fucked up. I got off the bench slowly, making sure my claws were visible. I got up in her face with a scowl.

“Do you know what we’d do to snitches back home?” she began to sweat, eyes darting from side to side. Her friends already backed off- a wise move on their part.

“Th-they, uh… they get stitches?” I waved a fist near her head.

“Last prick who thought he could rat me out- well, let's just say no amount of stitching could fix what was left of his face.” I grabbed the back of her hair with my right hand. “You get what I’m sayin’?” she nodded her head rapidly, probably ripping a couple strands out in the process.

Just then, I yanked her head down and slammed it into the mud below- not hard enough to injure her, but hard enough to hurt and cover her in mud.

“I’m a generous motherfucker. Consider this your warning.” I just sat back on the bench and resumed my lunch. Hopefully, they’d be smart enough to run away.

The two others at our table were giving me a weird look. “What?” was all I said.

“That… was awesome!” Silvie spoke up, and I began to chuckle.

“You really showed those blank flanks what for!” Said DT. I just shrugged.

“Hey, I had to make sure they didn’t snitch. I’m already in enough shit as it is- they’d better hope they got the message.” I finished the remains of my juice box, using it to gesture around.

“What’s their deal, anyway? The trio of uh… blank flanks, that is.” DT rolled her eyes at me.

“They call themselves the Cutie Mark Crusaders.”

“More like the Cutie Lame Crusaders!” Silver Spoon’s ‘joke’ was so shitty I couldn’t help but chuckle.

“Basically they’re a bunch of crybabies who haven’t even discovered their special talents.” DT just shrugged. “Heck, Scootaloo can’t even fly!” I just snorted.

“You’re tellin’ me I just beat up a cripple?” I just gave a sarcastic shrug. “Whoops.” far from the worst thing I’ve ever done to someone by a mile though.

Just then, the bell rang- and I couldn’t help but express my disappointment with a sigh.

“Hey Leona, wanna hang out with us after school?” I smiled and shrugged.

“Sure, why not. Got nothin’ better to do.” Silver Spoon snorted-

“Unless Cheerilee gives us homework.” I groaned. That was always the most bullshit part of school- I’m here for seven cocksuckin’ hours- why do I gotta do shit at home?

“Well if it’s alright, we’ll just work together on it. Just change the answers a bit so it’s not obvious.” DT smiled and nodded.

“Yeah, we can do that.”

And so, we made our way back into the classroom and took our seats. The CMC came in last- Scootaloo was still a little dirty and red-eyed. Either she was smokin’ a joint in the shitter or she was crying.

“Scootaloo!” Cheerilee spoke up- “What happened?” I fixed the orange one- Scootaloo, apparently, a harsh glare and shook my fist.

“I was running and-and I fell.” she sniffled.

“You can tell me anything, you know.” noooo the fuck she can’t. I pointed at my eyes then back to her. Bitch I fuckin’ mean it.

“No, really. I wasn’t paying attention and I tripped. Seriously!” Cheerilee didn’t seem to believe it, but conceded anyway.

“Well… if you’d like, you can go home and get cleaned up. You don’t want all that dirt to settle in.” and nearly instantly, she bolted out the door.

I looked at DT and held up a fist- and she bumped her hoof into mine.

Something tells me that this is gonna be a long and fruitful friendship.

---

The rest of the day went by smoothly. Cheerilee was teaching us about poems and stuff- after all, this is basically elementary school. Truth be told, I didn’t expect to learn a whole lot- after all, I was mainly here because Mamma wanted me to make some friends.

We had a quick assignment- which was to make up a little poem of our own, then we’d read them aloud in class. I decided to show off a bit by plagiarizing one that always stuck with me.

“Leona? Would you like to read your poem?” I wordlessly got out of my seat and stood in front of the class.

“I don’t think it’s very good, but… I call it Carcosa.” I cleared my throat and began to read.

“Along the shore the cloud waves break,
The twin suns sink behind the lake.
The shadows lengthen… in Carcosa.

Strange is the night where black stars rise,
And strange moons circle through the skies,
But stranger still is Lost Carcosa.

Songs that the Hyades shall sing.
Where flap the tatters of The King
Must die unheard in Dim Carcosa.

Song of my soul, my voice is dead;
Die thou, unsung, as tears unshed
Shall dry and die in Lost Carcosa.”

I smiled sheepishly and looked around the classroom- and was met with mainly looks of confusion. I looked back towards Cheerilee, who looked considerably more impressed.

“Thank you for sharing, Leona. That was… very creative! Well, if a little grim…” I moved to make my way back to my seat, then she asked, “May I keep that one? I’d really like to have it.” I just shrugged.

“Hey, it’s all yours.” Just as I handed her the paper, the school bell rang for the final time that day.

We all made our leave and I met up with DT. Sadly, Silver Spoon said she had stuff she forgot about to do- so that just left the two of us.

“What the heck was that?” I just cocked an eyebrow. “That poem?” I just nodded in understanding.

“Don’t tell Cheerilee but I totally got it from somewhere else.” I elbowed her side playfully, “Come on, don’t give me so much credit.” She just snorted.

“No, like… what does it mean?” Honestly? I was only vaguely sure myself.

“Eh, I dunno. It’s describing this weird place, Carcosa, but that’s all I know.”

“That’s weird.” I couldn’t disagree, to be honest.

---

“So wait, that guard just wanted a carton of cigarettes?” Diamond Tiara asked (Who I started calling Dee, as a nickname.)

“Yeah! That asshole freaked me the fuck out, lemme tell ya.” I just snorted, “Even thinking about it makes me want a proper cigarette.” I was currently chewing on the plastic straw from a juice box as a substitute.

We’d basically been hanging out all afternoon- eventually settling in a quiet area of the Whitetail Woods to just chill out for a bit. It was quite beautiful, to be honest- there was a massive lake in the middle which would apparently reflect the moonlight when the sun went down. I was leaning my back against a tree and Dee was sitting on a blanket.

“Cigarettes are nasty, though.” I just snorted.

“Yeah, no kidding.”

We were just shooting the shit, talking about all the fucked up shit we’d done. Apparently, she could be quite ruthless when it came to fucking with people. I wonder if I could teach her how to do it for financial purposes instead of just for fun? I mean, beating someone up for lunch money is the most classic schoolyard racket there is.

Of course, I was talking about the more tame shit I did. I doubted I would tell anyone about that other stuff.

The sun had begun to fall and Dee yawned.

“I’m thinkin’ we oughta start heading home. What you think?” I asked her and she nodded. We just walked side-by-side into Ponyville, where eventually we had to part ways.

“Well, Leona. I’ll talk to you tomorrow?” she asked and I nodded, smiling warmly. I went in for a quick one-armed hug- a common friendly gesture where I’m from. Her back stiffened and when I pulled back she seemed to have a light blush. I just chuckled, figuring that she was just surprised.

“Sounds good. See ya!” she blinked twice and shook her head with an odd look on her face.

“Oh… uh, right. See you tomorrow!” We both made our way to our homes and I thought nothing of that interaction.

I passed the threshold.

“Ma! I’m home!” I yelled… and my eyes widened. Sitting on one of the couches was Scootaloo and who I assumed to be her guardian. Mamma… did not look happy.

“Oh, you know I just remembered I got somewhere to be okay bye!” I turned around and quickly tried to leave.

“Leona Grimfeather, you get your tail right back here this instant or I WILL get the paddle.”

I cringed, muttering fuck under my breath.

This… was gonna suck.

Why Can't We Be Friends?

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God, I need a cigarette yesterday. The fucking gall, the fucking AUDACITY OF THIS BITCH!

To say I was upset would be the understatement of the century. Scootaloo fucking snitched! To my Mamma, no less! She told her fatass Aunt what happened and she went straight to Ma about it.

Do you know what I’d do to snitches? I’d shove a dead rat in their mouth, tie their ankles to their necks and let them choke themselves. But I can’t fucking do that here, now can I?

Currently, I was just trying to brood and enjoy my lunch with my new pals when Scootaloo had the audacity to approach me.

“Hey, Leona! Enjoying your lunch?” she had a certain smarminess in her voice that just pissed me off. Without looking, I flipped her the finger.

“In case you didn’t know, that gesture means go fuck yourself. You oughta listen.” she just snorted, and I gritted my beak so hard I thought it would crack.

“Hey, you better watch what you say.” I turned around and saw her smug look, my claws scraping against the wooden table. “Wouldn’t want your Mamma to find out how you talk to ponies, would you?” she chuckled and walked away, and I genuinely wondered if I could get away with murder, one last time.

I’m gonna kill her. I’m actually gonna kill her.

If there’s anything that pisses me off more than anything else, it’s feeling powerless.

“Shoot, Lee! You really gonna let her talk to you like that?” Dee spoke up and I couldn’t help but sigh.

“There’s just… There has GOT to be a way that I can get back at her.” I leaned in and whispered. Silver Spoon decided to chip in-

“We can all go to their clubhouse and mess with them after school!” I blinked twice and tilted my head.

“They have a clubhouse?” then Dee spoke up and said-

“Yeah! It’s wayyy inside Sweet Apple Acres! Just a rickety old treehouse, really. Nothing special at all.”

Then I gasped, my eyes widening and a massive grin appearing on my face.

“I’ve got it.” I took out a piece of paper and wrote down a… shopping list. “I could really use your help, at least getting things ready.” I slid them the paper. “Think you can get some of this?”

The girls looked at each other and shrugged.

“Meet me at the outskirts of the orchard at about midnight, where that duck pond is. Trust me, I got a plan!” A good one, too. For once, I would resolve a problem without bloodshed.

This… was gonna be fun.

---

Come midnight, I’d snuck out of the house and was decked out in my usual black cloak. I was sitting with my back against a tree when my pals showed up, each with their packs carrying the supplies.

“You both got what I need?” They both nodded and pulled out four bottles of Rotgut- a special Griffonian import bottle only available in Equestria. “And I trust your parents won’t miss a couple bottles of liquor?”

“Come on, what’s the plan!” Dee seemed quite giddy, which was good. I smiled, having a good feeling about this.

“We… are gonna burn their clubhouse to the fucking ground. That oughta send a message that we’re not fucking around.” Dee smiled wickedly and Silver gasped, surprising us both.

“Hold on, we can’t do that!” she was whisper-yelling, glancing around like there were feds in the shadows. “That’s illegal!” I just snorted.

“Oh, please, no one’ll know for sure it was us. They’ll have no evidence, no proof. If you say your parents won’t miss a couple bottles of booze then we’ll just disappear into the night.” I gave her a wide grin.

“But they’ll suspect us heavily- they’ll know we’re not fuckin’ around and they’ll be afraid of us.” I held out a hand, “What d’ya say?” She just shook her head slowly, backing off like I had a knife in my hand.

“Wow, Silver. I didn’t realize you were so lame.” Dee said with a scoff.

“I mean, is this really worse than fuckin’ with people like you normally do?” I spoke and Silver seemed taken aback by this. “I mean, you can beat someone to an inch of their life and it’ll heal eventually. Being humiliated, though- that sticks with you. Pops into your head while you’re trying to sleep, you know?”

“That’s different!”

“Is it? At least doing this, no ones really getting hurt by it.” not that I'd care either way.

I pointed a finger at her and scowled.

“Look, if you’re not with us you’re against us. How do we know you won’t rat us out now?” I admit, I did not expect this. Normally I’m good at reading people- and I sort of figured Silver as a personality-less yes man. Guess not.

Dee slowly put my arm down.

“If she wants to be lame about it, let her. But she won’t tattle on us, I can promise you that.” I glanced at her and she looked sincere. You better be fucking right. I sighed.

“Fine. Leave the booze and fuck off.” She glanced between the two of us before squeaking out a quick I’m sorry and running home.

I sighed and pinched the bridge of my beak. I looked over to DT and said “I really hope she keeps her mouth shut.”

She just shrugged. “Eh, she’ll get over it.” And I couldn’t help but smile.

I grabbed a spare black cloak out of my bag. “Put this on. It’ll help you blend in with the dark.” She did just that, and we…

Were looking pretty awesome.

Slowly, we made our way through the orchard, making extra sure to avoid more open areas; wouldn’t wanna get caught by a pegasus on a midnight flight or something.

When we made it, I couldn’t help but giggle in anticipation- apparently, Dee couldn’t help it either.

“So the process is simple-” I pulled out a bottle of rotgut and an old rag. I popped the cork, “Soak the rag in liquor, then-” I used a dowel rod to shove the rag into the neck of the bottle. “Then light the rag and throw. This stuff is crazy flammable- it’ll set that dry old wood ablaze pretty quick."

I did the process again, except I took myself a little pull from the bottle. I cringed fiercely, but with a smile- “Ohhh, that stuff burns worse than I remember.” I took a deep breath and held the bottle up.

“Want some?” she looked at it curiously before slowly taking the bottle off me. She took a sniff and recoiled back. “Don’t try to savor it- get it down as fast as you can.” She just stared at it nervously and took a gulp- regretting it immediately.

Instantly her eyes widened, nearly dropping the bottle as she coughed and sputtered. “Gah, how can anypony drink this?” I just laughed.

“It’s better on ice.” I finished making our cocktails and pulled out my lighter.

“Care to do the honors?” she seemed taken aback by this.

“Wait, you want me to help you? I thought this was your plan?” I just tilted my head in response.

“What, did you think I was gonna drag you all the way out here and say you can’t even get in on the action?” I gave her a smirk and handed her a bottle, rag facing towards me. “Try and aim for the window.”

Her smile grew and she nodded; I lit the rag. “THROW!” she launched the bottle and it smashed through the window- already I saw the glow of fire inside.

“Good throw! My turn!” She was beaming at me as I chucked a bottle of my own, just missing the window and breaking against the sill- it still burned well though.

Frig off, I’m out of practice.

“Two more left!” I handed her another bottle and we went to the front of the building. I lit the rag and she gave it a toss, barely threading through the heart shaped hole cut out in the door.

“Holy fuck, that was awsome!” I gave her a good slap on the back for that one and she started giggling with a light blush.

“Last one.” I gave the bottle a toss and smashed it against the front door. The place was really going up in flames now, the crackle of burning wood audible and the smell of smoke in the air.

“Alright as much as I wanna watch the fireworks, we gotta bail!” I grabbed her hoof as she was just standing there, mesmerized by the flames and destruction as the roof fell inward. “Come on!”

We were both running through the orchard like madwomen, giggling and laughing as we both shook from excitement; eventually we stopped back at that pond and Dee was just prancing around with a mad grin.

It’s always nice to meet another budding psychopath. Or would it be sociopath? I don’t know, I’m not a psychologist.

“Leona!” she stopped in front of me, “Am I drunk? I think I’m drunk, I feel super weird right now!” I couldn’t help but cackle.

“You’re not drunk, that’s the adrenaline!” I poked her chest where her heart would be, “It’s pumping through your system like nitrous. That’s how you know you had a good time!” my own heart was pumping heavily. She just cackled.

“Yeah I did! Those blank flanks’ll never know what hit ‘em!” I just rolled my eyes and chuckled.

Then I took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. Time to get semi-serious.

“Alright, alright calm yourself. We still gotta get home without raising suspicion.” I glanced back where we came from. “If anyone’s up this late, they’re gonna see that big plume of smoke coming from the farm.”

I went up to Dee’s side and put a wing around her back and she quickly calmed down.

“I’ll walk you home- that way if we do get seen, we can just pretend we’re a couple good friends out on a late night walk.” After all, it was a Friday night- so we wouldn’t look as suspicious for being out late. “And if anyone asks about the cloaks, it’s to help keep warm.”

I noticed she once again had a faint blush on her cheeks. Shit, maybe that sip of liquor did get to her a bit.

“Lead the way?” she looked at me with a smirk.

“O-Oh, right. This way, follow me!”

And so, we walked through the town side-by-side, sticking to the outskirts as much as possible to keep from prying eyes.

When we finally made it to her place, I couldn’t help but smile at the design- It looked like a classical antebellum plantation house with white columns, a balcony running across the second story and red brick siding mixed with white paneling.

We snuck through the back garden and came across an open window- her bedroom, apparently. Her movements have also been getting a bit sluggish- evidently, the adrenaline was fading fast. Heck, I feared that she would collapse under my wing. I let her climb on my back to more easily get inside, and we were both just leaning against the sill.

“I had a wonderful time tonight.” she had a warm smile and a faint blush on her cheeks. Damn, maybe the adrenaline mixed with the booze is what’s got her acting so drunk?

I just nodded. “Now remember. If the cops do show up, play it cool. As far as anyone’s aware, we were in bed all night. Don’t let them gaslight you into confessing- they know nothing.” I’d have to give her a full lesson on talking to cops eventually, but for now I just condensed it to- “Remember, NEVER talk to cops any more than necessary. They’re all bastards after a paycheck.” She nodded in understanding and I breathed a sigh of relief.

We just stood there looking at each other for a few moments before she spoke up.

“Well… I guess this is goodbye?” she had an odd sadness in her voice that I couldn’t quite place.

“Until tomorrow. Well, see you! I’ll come find you and make sure you’re good at some point.” I turned around to leave and she muttered out a yeah.

“Wait!” she yelled, and I turned around and leaned against the sill- “One more thing before you go!” I tilted my head.

Mwah

“Okay bye!” she ran into her room and I damn near fell on my ass. I rubbed the cheek she kissed curiously, as though I expected to feel blood or something.

As I walked home that night, I had a pep in my step and I felt oddly drunk… and I’m not sure why. I know ponies show friendship different from griffons- I read as much in a book- but I still felt odd.

I slept good that night.

---

The next morning, I awoke after a night of pleasant dreams that… Well, I couldn’t remember them other than the fact that they were pleasant. It was a minor annoyance to be sure, but I was in a good mood that morning.

My morning ritual was about the same as it had always been, with some minor differences. I was in the bathroom using a small stone and a special cream to smooth out my beak- the griffon equivalent of brushing your teeth.

You know- since we had no teeth. Actually, it might be closer to shaving off stubble in concept, but pedantics.

I went down to the kitchen and turned on the radio. The station it was currently on was playing some shitty pop music- which I wasted no time in changing. I heard a pleasant, jazzy tune playing and couldn’t help but smile. It’s not rock and roll- but it’ll do.

I kinda wanted to listen to some AC/DC, not gonna lie.

I was cooking my breakfast and swaying to the tune. Mamma was off today as well, so I thought I’d surprise her. We still had a bit of salt pork left from the journey which I had left soaking in a bowl of water since I’d gotten home that night. Cutting it into thin slices, I used it to make us what was called travelers bacon.

Not as good as the bacon that ol’ butcher Pete made.

My smile fell a little. I’m not gonna lie, I’ve been missing home for awhile now- the food, the people, the culture… aside from the poverty. I couldn’t help but wonder what Vito was up to? I’d have to write to him and Auntie sometime.

Homesickness aside, I finished making our breakfast of “bacon,” eggs and (considerably better than we used to drink) coffee and I sat at the table, enjoying my breakfast with Mamma. It really did lift my mood a bit- It reminded me of the good ol’ days before everything went to shit.

Jesus Christ I’m an eight year old reminiscing about The Good Ol’ Days. That did remind me, though- my birthday was gonna be tomorrow. As a human, I never really celebrated my birthdays- even my Mother, if I dare call her that, told me all it meant was I was a year closer to dying.

Mamma, however… always went out of her way to make it feel special. We’d always have something good to eat, I’d get a couple gifts, and Gramma would bake a pie. It was nice.

I lifted my coffee to take a sip-

Knock, knock, knock.

The door. I sighed in annoyance; Better not be the fucking cops. Mamma and I went to answer, and lo and behold, the guard in golden armor was standing at our door.

“Hello Ma’am. I just had a couple questions to ask, if you have a minute.” Mamma sent a glare my way and I just raised my hands in a gesture that meant It wasn’t me!

“I suppose… would you like to take a seat?”

“That won’t be necessary Miss…”

“Grimfeather.” Mamma spoke up and the guard nodded.

“We’re currently investigating a fire that occurred at Sweet Apple Acres last night. We suspect it to be arson, so we’re just going around, asking if anypony saw anything strange.” I just huddled next to Mamma and she put a wing around my back.

“I can’t say I have, officer.” Mamma looked a little apprehensive. The guard had that same stony expression they usually do.

“Are you positive you didn’t see anything suspicious?” he glanced down at me, “Didn’t notice anypony… missing?” I spoke up in turn,

“Hey, I was sleeping all night.” I just stood firmly next to Mamma. The guard cocked an eyebrow.

“And you didn’t even, say, get up to get a snack or use the bathroom and notice anything odd?” Mamma scoffed in annoyance.

“Are you saying that because we’re griffons, you think one of us did it?” The guard's eyes widened and he began to sputter.

“N-No it’s nothing like that, it’s just-” I decided I’d join in on the fun.

“Why do all the ponies think we’re bad people, Mamma?” I gave her the best pair of puppy dog eyes I could and the guard looked really embarrassed.

“Look, it's not like that! We’re just trying to cover all our bases!” Mamma just snorted.

“Well, cover them somewhere else, then.” she slammed the door and I couldn’t help but chuckle.

“You gaslighted him on purpose, didn’t you?” Mamma asked.

“I might’ve.” Mamma let out a deep sigh, lowering herself to bring me to her eye level.

“Leona, sweetie… was it you? Did you start a fire in the apple orchard?” I couldn’t blame her for asking- it’s absolutely something I would do and she knows it. I simply looked at her.

“Mamma, why would I try and burn down their orchard? It wasn’t me! Honest!” I kept up the puppy dog eyes and she conceded a little. For me, lying came as naturally as breathing.

“Just… promise me it wasn’t you? Please?” she pleaded, and I looked at her with a smile.

“I promise, Mamma. I’m trying to stay on the straight and narrow, you know?” After a few moments, she smiled and gave me a hug.

“I love you, baby.”

“I love you too, Mamma.”

---

Later that day, I was flying around trying to find Dee. I was a little worried, to be frank- I just didn’t want her getting into shit for something I did.

“Hey, Leona!” I heard her yell from below and I smiled.

“Ayyyy, Dee!” I landed and went in for a quick friendly hug. “You doin’ alright?” I asked and she nodded, asking-

“Did the guards visit your place, too?” I just chuckled.

“Yeah they did- then I gaslighted the fucker into making it seem like we thought we were being racially profiled-” We laughed heartily, “he fucked off after that.”

After calming down, I asked her, “Have you heard anything from Silver Spoon, yet?” her smile shrank a little.

“I haven’t… I’m a little worried, to be honest. I went to her house not too long ago but her parents said she wasn’t home.” I just shrugged.

“Eh, she’ll come around eventually I’m sure.” I leaned in and whispered, “Some folks just aren’t cut out for greasework.” We were in an emptier part of town, so I had no problems discussing what happened. Dee just sighed.

“I know, but… it still sucks, you know? We’d do everything together. I can’t believe she just ran like that!” she looked to the ground. “I feel… a little betrayed, really.” I just went up and put a wing around her.

“There’s an old saying where I come from.” she looked up and cocked an eyebrow. “When the going gets rough, you find out who your friends are, real fuckin quick.” I couldn’t help but sigh, certain bad memories popping into my mind. “It’s like, you expect someone to back you up in a fight, and you fully intend to cover their ass too, only for them to fuck off when you’re not looking.

“It really sucks, don’t it?” and to be honest, if past experiences have taught me anything, it’s to keep your friend pool small and your associate pool a mile wide.

She just laughed. “Yeah. It really does.” she sent a smug smirk my way. “Tell you what, let’s see if we can find Scootaloo anywhere! I wanna see the look on her face.”

I couldn’t agree more.

---

We were just going around and enjoying our day, keeping our eyes open for any fuck-around opportunities when I heard Dee gasp.

“What you see?” I asked and she pointed. We found Silver Spoon; she was sitting at a picnic table in the local park, talking to who else but the fucking CMC.

“Heyy, woah what the fuck is this?” I glared at Silver Spoon- and surprisingly, she glared back.

“I’m just expressing my condolences since… since their clubhouse mysteriously burnt down last night.” Scootaloo just snorted.

“Oh please, we all know who did it!” she pointed an accusatory hoof at me. “Admit it! Admit that you burned our clubhouse down!” I just gave a mock gasp, holding a hand to my chest.

“I would never! Are you accusing me because I’m black?” black feathered, that is. Scootaloo blinked twice in confusion and I approached with a glare.

“But do be careful- that maniac arsonist is still on the loose!” I gave her a wicked smile and she took a step back. “Who knows? Maybe you’ll wake up one of these days to the sound of screaming and crackling flames; the smell of smoke and burnt flesh heavy in the air.” I put a hand to her chest and pushed her onto her ass, savoring the look of fear in her eyes. “Best not fuck around and find out, huh?”

“Stop it! Just, stop it!” My eyes widened when I realized it was Silver Spoon yelling.

“Diamond Tiara, you are taking this too far! Both of you are!” Dee just snorted.

“Oh, I’m taking this too far?” She gave me a smug look. “Because all we’ve done is warn them to be careful! What’s so bad about that?” I just nodded in response.

“You’re hurting them! Leona was right! We are hurting these ponies, all for what? Personal entertainment?” I fixed her a glare and Dee just had an odd look in her eye.

“Silver Spoon… just what have you been doing all day?” she glanced back and forth nervously, and I noticed the CMC crew were getting awfully close to Silver. She huffed and said,

“I’ve been trying to make amends before something bad happens!” Dee still had that unreadable expression and I was getting concerned. “Did you know that Truffle told me that he wanted to stop eating forever?” Dee just snorted.

“Good. That fatty could afford to lose some weight.” she gave me a smug smile “If a few insults are all it takes, then so be it!” I just smiled and nodded.

“That’s not the point!” she slammed her hoof into the dirt below. “Diamond Tiara, as your Best Friend Forever, I ask that you please stop it! Somepony’s gonna get seriously hurt if you keep on like this!” Dee just had a blank, unreadable expression on her face- one which concerned me a little. With a flat expression and monotone voice, she spoke up.

“Best Friend Forever?” she asked simply, and Silver took a step back. “Silver Spoon, as far as I’m concerned, you’re not even a normal friend, let alone my BFF.” The CMC all gasped in unison, and Silver looked utterly heartbroken. Slowly she shook her head, then turned around and bolted off.

“Come on, Leona. Let’s ditch these blank flanks.” Her expression was cold and calculating, and I had no idea what was on her mind.

I just put a wing around her back and let her lead the way in silence. We passed through the town and went into the Whitetail Woods.

We were at that big lake in the middle- it was late afternoon and the sun reflecting off it was blinding at certain angles.

We sat down on a bank next to each other and she was staring straight out.

Her breathing, which was once deep and even had begun to shallow. Her posture shifted slightly and her body began to shake. I looked over and saw she was holding back so, so much pain.

“You can let it out, you know. I won’t make fun of you for it.” That was all it took; she let out a sob and the dam broke.

I never was good at the whole “empathy” thing- so I just hugged her and let her cry into my shoulder. I knew the feeling of abject betrayal all too well.

After a little bit, her crying slowed into a much calmer whimpering.

“You gonna be alright?” I asked, and she sniffed.

“I-I think so.” she shuddered and I put a wing around her. “It just… it just hurts so much… She was my friend!”

“For what it’s worth,” I started, “I consider you to be a good friend.” And my only friend, really.

“R-really?” I just nodded with a warm smile. She just smiled back. After a few moments she said-

“Well, I consider you to be a good friend.” I couldn’t help but keep smiling.

“Thanks, Dee. It really means a lot.” I took a deep breath, and we just sat there watching the lake.

“Tell you what-” she looked up at me. “My birthday’s tomorrow. If you want, you can come over. You probably wouldn’t like what we’re having for dinner, but there’s gonna be pie at least.” Not gonna lie- I felt a little nervous asking her. She just giggled.

“Sure, why the heck not? It’s the least I could do for a friend.” I couldn’t help but put my arms around her.

And so, we just spent the rest of the day hanging out- we were going around town fuckin’ with people all day. It was nice.

---

The next day, Mamma made me and her a dinner of steaks and jacket potatoes- a simple meal but a treat nonetheless.

After all, beef was hard to come by around here for obvious reasons.

Mamma was really happy that I made a friend, finally. A friend who’s not even on my payroll, no less!

Dee came over not long after dinner, and we were about to dig into the pie. Mamma poured out two shots and grabbed a juice box from the fridge.

“What’s this about?” Dee asked.

“It’s a family tradition.” Mamma explained. “The idea is to get used to drinking so that when you’re old enough to buy your own liquor, you don’t act like it’s the best thing on the planet.” I don’t know about that last part, but I was glad nonetheless. It wasn’t rotgut, though- just a cheap ass rye whiskey.

“I’d like to toast-” I said, holding up my glass. Mamma joined with her glass and Dee held up her carton of juice. “To those we lost along the way and to those we gained along the way.” Dee looked at me with a wide grin. “May we forever barely avoid going broke. Cheers.” We threw our drinks back and I cringed terribly, pounding a fist into the table. Mamma had about the same reaction, except she grabbed us a bottle of juice to chase it with.

“Ohhh, that was shitty.” I took a deep breath and Dee was laughing at our expense. I couldn’t help but join in on her laughter.

“Ohhh, I’m so proud of you, baby!” Mamma hugged me from behind and I couldn’t help but blush.

“Maaa’! Do you gotta do this here?”

“Yes.” Dee kept giggling at me and I crossed my arms.

“Are you gonna let go sometime tonight?”

“Nope.” I groaned in annoyance.

Eventually I was released from my hostage situation. We ate our pie and I got to open up my gift- and it was a fucking pong machine! I haven’t played that game in forever!

The machine itself was as big as two cinder blocks stacked atop each other and weighed twice as much. I didn’t even take the time to ponder how it worked or even the fact that fucking computer technology has been invented in this early industrial country- Dee and I were just having a wonderful time playing it together.

I was winning with a score of 5-4 when suddenly-

Knock, knock, knock.

“I’ll get it!” Mamma yelled and I didn’t even think about it at the time because I was just totally lost in thought. I have a friend! I’m playing games- with my friend! It honestly felt fantastic- as though there was something missing from my life that I never knew I was missing before. And I didn’t even have to pay her a pack of smokes in return!

“Miss Grimfeather, we have a warrant for the arrest of Leona Grimfeather and Diamond Tiara.” Both of us froze stiff as beads of sweat formed on my forehead. “We were told they would likely be found here.”

“Leona?” Dee asked me. “How fucked are we right now?” That was the first time I ever heard her swear properly.

“LEONA GRIMFEATHER!” I heard Mamma yell. I gulped nervously.

“A little bit.” was my response. “Just try to keep it cool, alright?” she nodded in response.

---

Well…

Well shit. We were both taken to the town hall to await our trial- if you could call it that. Ponyville was such a small town that there was no proper court- so for petty crimes where no one got hurt or for juvenile crimes, the mayor would handle sentencing.

Her name? Mayor Mare. I love and hate pony names, to be honest.

The whole ordeal was being held within her office.

“So according to the confession of one Silver Spoon, and as well as circumstantial evidence in the form of liquor going missing and glass found at the crime scene, we have reason to believe that you two were behind the arson attack at Sweet Apple Acres.” THAT BITCH! Dee just shrunk beneath the mayor's gaze, and I just glared.

“So what are you gonna do? Lock up a couple of 9 year old's?” I asked, a bit of venom in my voice. The mayor just scoffed.

“According to the Juvenile Delinquency Act of 985 A.B.-” she grabbed a gavel she had nearby. Fuck knows why she had it in her regular ass office. “I sentence both of you to one month at the Manehattan Juvenile Correction Facility. To answer your question, I absolutely will lock up a couple of 9 year olds to ensure you are both taught a valuable lesson. What you did was extremely dangerous and somepony could have gotten hurt!” She slammed the gavel into her desk and Dee whimpered.

I put my wing around her. “It’s gonna be alright. It’s basically gonna be like school, except you get a bedroom. They wouldn’t chain us up in a cell.” that did little to ease her shaking. I sighed.

“I’m… I’m sorry I got you into this. That whole thing was my battle to fight.” she just snorted, surprisingly.

“Oh please. For a friend? I’d do it again in a heartbeat.” I saw the mayor give us a nasty look and I elbowed my friend.

“Don’t say it in front of her!” and I whispered, “And thank you. It means a lot.”

We were both led out of the office by the mayor and were greeted by…

Both of our families and Granny Smith- the ancient matriarch of the Apple Family.

“We’ve got a proposition fer ya.” she spoke up “Instead of shippin’ little Tiara off to some facility, I want her help with this years apple harvest.” I couldn’t help but smile.

“Well, looks like you lucked out, huh?” but she gave me a look of disgust.

“But what about Leona? Am I supposed to let her go to jail alone?” she scoffed. “Sorry, but no deal.” my eyes widened and I whispered-

“What the fuck are you doing? You don’t wanna go to jail!” she snorted.

“You said it yourself. When the going gets tough, you find out who your real friends are.” I began to feel a lump in my throat, my eyes welling up slightly.

“Thanks, Dee. It means the world to me, you know?”

“You know-” Granny spoke up. “More hooves we got the merrier, I say. I’d be willin’ ta have ye both around fer the harvest.” I couldn’t help but feel relieved.

Mayor Mare just shrugged. “Eh, what the heck.” She looked at us sternly. “Every day after school I want both of you to head straight to Sweet Apple Acres, as well as on saturday- but you may have sundays off.” she looked up to Granny Smith- “Does that seem fair?”

“Darn tootin! Don’t ya worry one bit, Miss Mare! A little bit a’ hard work oughta straighten these two out.”

I couldn’t help but feel like we would regret taking this deal.

---

The walk home with Mamma was long and awkward. I tried to alleviate the tension- “Man, I still can’t believe how terrible that whiskey was.” She gave me a death glare and I took that as my cue to shut the fuck up.

We finally made it to the house.

“Stay. Put.” was all she said, leaving me to stand in the living room. When I saw her come downstairs with the Heirloom, I signed the cross- as though that gesture had any meaning here.

This… was gonna suck.

---

The next day at school, I brought a pillow to sit my ass on. Despite the fur, it was still quite red and sore.

Dee had the same idea.

Thankfully, the stinging pain subsided throughout the day. Even better, no one said anything to us. Either afraid of us because of what we did- or they were feeling sympathy pains for our asses.

We went down to the farm once school let out, walking next to each other in nervous silence.

When Granny Smith mentioned hard work, she was not joking. Dee was literally kicking trees, causing the apples to fall into baskets below. My job was simple- load the heavy ass baskets onto a cart for Big Mac to take.

After about two hours of working, we both decided to take a breather and sat with our backs to a tree.

“I… I don’t think I’ve ever worked so hard in my life.” Either one for that matter. The sun was surprisingly hot, too- Maybe Celestia was telling the world to go fuck itself. I don’t know.

“No kidding.” We both took heavy gulps from canteens, drenched in sweat and breathing heavily. Neither of us were built for this kind of work and it really showed.

Applejack decided to show up with a seemingly empty cart. “Y’all better not be slackin’ off, now!” I let out a sigh that sounded like a wheeze.

“Jesus Christ, just give us a minute! I’m tryin’ to catch my breath here and poor Dee looks like she’s aboutta have a heart attack!” she just laughed.

“And where’s Big Mac, anyway? We ain’t seen him in a while.”

“Why, he’s on break, a’ course!” Dee and I both groaned miserably. Thankfully, our slave driver wasn’t completely evil- she reached into the cart she was hauling and pulled out two tall glasses of lemonade for us- which we both quaffed with gusto.

“Y’all got five minutes.” She gave us a smug smirk and a wink before walking away pulling a full apple cart. Dee looked at me.

“We should’ve just taken our chances with jail.” Dee wheezed out, and I couldn’t agree more.

“I have to ask-” I began, and she looked over wearily. “When you said you’d do it again in a heartbeat… Did you really mean it?” she just snorted.

“Fuck yeah I would. You’re my new best friend, after all.” I couldn’t help but smile.

You know, I was reading about a strange phenomenon that happens in Equestria from time to time; the ambient magic in the air sometimes reacts to strong emotions in an area.

The result? Music. As we got back to work, I heard a guitar playing out of thin air and I felt like I got a big burst of energy.

Dee began to sing- “Kickin’ trees in the- hot sun! I fought the law and the- law won!” I smiled and joined in and we sang together-

“I fought the law and the- law won!”

For once in my life, I had a friend. A real, genuine friend.

Despite the circumstances, I couldn’t be happier.

Liquor And Horse

View Online

You know, when we moved to Ponyville, we expected to live a nice, quiet life.

Boy, lemme tell ya’- we were in for a fuckin ride.

I guess I should start with the direct fallout of the… arson incident.

Well, the plan worked- the class knew we were crazy and would absolutely do something stupid in a revenge scheme- so we were able to do whatever we wanted with impunity.

So when I decked Silver Spoon in the face and broke her glasses- we were met with no resistance or repercussions. It was nice.

Dee and I are still steadfast friends- we’re always there for each other when the going gets tough.

So much fuckin crazy shit’s happened in the past 9 years that I don’t even know where to start.

Let’s start with me- puberty hit me like a goddamn train. I grew a fuckton- I’m now about as tall as Mamma, if not a little taller. I remember her reaction when my first molt happened.

---

“Mamma!” I yelled through the house. I was just sitting on the couch suffering.

“What is it, baby?” I was itching all over my face, chest, and wings- a burning itch that was so bad I was worried I was gonna start giving myself lacerations.

“I think I caught something! Everything itches!” she gasped and her eyes lit up. I looked at all the broken feathers on the ground around me and wondered if I had any left at all.

“Oh my goodness! Sweetie, you’re molting!” my pupils shrank and I pulled a dead feather that was loosely hanging to my chest. Immediately, I knew what molting implied.

“When… When am I gonna start my estrus cycle?” She bolted over and hugged me.

“Oh, sweetie, it’s nothing to be afraid of! It’s just a part of life we all go through- no need to be embarrassed about it!” I was still a little freaked out. Puberty fucking sucked the first time around and I was not looking forward to it a second time.

Then again… at least I won’t be bleeding from my snatch every month- I’ll just get a bit more hormonal than normal, instead.

---

Boy, did I underestimate that. I remembered all the times I made fun of Mamma when she was in heat and honestly regretted it. I could not blame her for wanting to get some once in a while.

Never thought I’d ever wind up going native, but a few years of dealing with my estrus cycle using Mrs. Rosy Palms and Her Five Friends got real old real fast.

Personal stuff aside, My feather pattern changed subtly- my chest plume got much bigger and softer and my face started to grow these small, golden feathers that matched my eyes and reminded me of freckles. Not gonna lie- I kind of liked the look.

Dee didn’t fare much better at the time. She started wearing braces and her face would constantly be breaking out. She was really self conscious at the time and some people thought they could make fun of her.

A couple broken noses later really nipped that trend in the bud.

On an unrelated note- it turns out that Dee is a lesbian. I don’t have a problem with that- me being bi myself- but it just came as a bit of a surprise to me.

Since then, we’ve been attending the local highschool. It wasn’t big at all- only 8 rooms, one for each grade. One for each year of students.

But anyways, all sorts of crazy shit happened in Ponyville itself, too.

Twilight Sparkle, the local autist, became another alicorn!

I couldn’t care less about that, to be frank. What I do care about is that time a massive demon from Tartarus was marching to Ponyville- and not once did it occur to Princess Autism to warn anybody.

---

Dee and I were having a sleepover of sorts at her house- although, really it’s because we both got way too stoned the night before and decided to crash in her room.

I awoke that morning to find that it was still nighttime. I glanced at the clock and knew something was wrong when I saw the time- it should’ve been morning an hour ago.

“Dee!” I wasted no time, shaking her awake. “Dee, wake up! Something’s wrong!”

“Mmmghuh?”

“Something is very, very wrong- the sun should’ve been up an hour ago.” she looked at me and blinked in confusion. The sun rose outside-

“See? Everything’s fine. Just lemme sleep in for a bit.” she was about to roll back over when the sun set once again. The celestial bodies repeated this nonsensical cycle a few more times before the sun finally stayed.

Her parents were on a trip to Manehattan- so that just left us. “Follow me!” we ran side by side to my house- Our plan was to hide in the cellar until this shitshow blows over.

“Mamma!” I yelled through the house. “WHERE ARE YOU!?”

“Upstairs, sweetie!”

“Well get down here and hide! Shit’s about to go down!” She walked down the stairs rubbing her eyes and I was in the middle of loading my crossbow.

“Come on, something’s fucking with the sun again!” When the sun is out of control, it usually means that the Princesses were incapacitated- and whatever caused it typically had bad intentions. Mamma nodded, and we made our way back- then we saw it.

Far in the distance was a big, red centaur thing. It was using magic to lift up groups of running ponies at a time and apparently eating their magic.

“Close it, close it!” I yelled to no one in particular as we slammed the cellar door shut and barred it from the inside.

It was… I’ll be honest. I was fucking terrified. I was shaking like a leaf, wings spread as wide as possible- a subconscious reaction to danger, it makes us seem taller. I kept the crossbow trained at those doors for hours.

There wasn’t a whole lot I could do to that thing… but when it comes down to it, I was not gonna let that demon take away the only two people in my life which I cared about. If I had to use myself as bait so they could get away, I absolutely would without a second question.

We were down there for what felt like hours when we heard a knock on the cellar door.

“Leona! Amelia! It’s safe, you can come out now!” That sounded a lot like Twilight Sparkle.

Cautiously, I approached the door.

“Whoever’s there, be warned I have a loaded crossbow, and I have no problems with using it.”

“Leona, please! Tirek is gone!” Slowly we emerged from the cellar and surveyed the damage. Thankfully, our house was untouched- but there was also a massive fuck-ugly crystal palace on the edge of town. Man, that’ll fuck our property values.

---

I still can't believe they forgave Discord for that. Speaking of that crazy fucker- when he took over, I was less scared and more perplexed.

---

The sun and the moon fought for dominance in the sky. It was raining chocolate milk from cotton candy clouds and the roads were made of soap. I saw Dee running around like a madwoman, so I grabbed her tail and got her to stop.

“The fuck’s everyone freaking out for?” her eyes were darting back and forth until they slowed. “I mean, it’s not like it’s dangerous or anything.” she tilted her head.

“Huh… I guess you’re right. So then why is everyone freaking out?” I just tapped my skull a couple times.

“Herd mentality. You see a group of ponies running in terror and your first thought is to join them- whatever’s a danger to them is a danger to you.” It was a vicious domino effect, really.

“Huh… weird.” she just shrugged. We decided to chill on a park bench until this all blew over.

I’d give my two cents on the matter but I spent them on a Coke which Dee and I shared. I picked a cigarette, fresh off a cigarette tree and tried to smoke it, only for it to turn into a candy cane once I tried to take a drag. Meanwhile, there was water coming out of my lighter.

---

Overall, we were just left feeling confused when things went back to normal.

I’m still clueless as to how they “reformed” him. I only had one conversation with the crazy fucker- and let me tell ya, that freaked me out. This wasn't too long after the Tirek clusterfuck.

---

I was minding my own business, smoking a cigarette that I bummed off someone earlier. I was, of course, sitting on a park bench- a throne of knowledge and wisdom where my best ideas are conceived- second only to the shitter.

I took a drag of my cigarette and tasted something minty.

“I didn’t realize I was smoking menthol.” I looked down and realized- there was a candy cane between my fingers. I just sighed in annoyance and tossed the worthless confectionary to the side.

“The fuck do you want, Discord?” I asked, not even bothering to turn around.

“Oh come on now, Leona! That’s no way to greet somepony!” He appeared in front of my face and I snorted.

“Why do you say that ridiculous pony-centric word anyway? You sure don’t look much like a pony.” He looked like a clusterfuck more than anything else. His scientific name would probably straight up be Equus Clusterfuckus. He just giggled.

“And neither do you, Trinity!” I froze stiff, my eyes widening. A bead of sweat rolled down my forehead as I looked around, making sure no-one was nearby.

“How the fuck do you know that name?” he just giggled in response, taking a seat next to me and putting an arm around my back.

“I don’t know, High Lord Executioner. You tell me.” my heart felt like it was gonna pop in my chest.

“Don’t worry, Mrs. Bellucci. I won’t judge you for your past- only for your future.” I grit my beak,

“What… Why are you here? What do you want?” He just gave a hearty laugh.

“I just thought I’d warn you, Trinity.”

“Don’t call me that name. Trinity died a long time ago.”

“Ah, but her legacy lives on- in the form of the daughter of… well, I don’t want to spoil anything, now would I?

“I don’t know what plans that old squid fellow has with you, but I will tell you this-” he got close to my face, really close.

“Whatever happens, no harm is to come upon dear Fluttershy. Understood?” I nodded my head rapidly, feeling fucking terrified.

“Splendid! You have a pleasant day, Leona!” he disappeared and I vomited off the side of the bench.

---

God, I still freak out when I think of that encounter. Needless to say, I’ve started actively avoiding him since.

Speaking of freaky chimera’s- there was that time something called a bugbear attacked Ponyville. I wasn’t even in town at the time.

Dee asked me if I could take her hunting sometime; probably to satisfy some morbid curiosity or deep seated bloodlust. Who knows. We were young teens at the time.

---

She and I were stalking through the Whitetail Woods- I had her carrying a pot full of ingredients I was gonna use later. It was relatively early morning- so there was a sort of fog that hung thick in the air, making it feel cool and damp. Sunlight barely filtered through the fog and tree canopy- so it was quite serene.

I was wearing my worn black cloak which had been patched and refitted so many times over the years, courtesy of Miss Rarity. I think she about had a stroke when she first saw the tattered old thing and basically held me hostage until she could repair it. Hell, even the gold hem was so dingy that you could barely see it anymore.

Getting sidetracked- she and I stalked through the woods slowly, keeping our eyes peeled for anything. We were on the prowl for wabbits.

Uh… I mean rabbits. My crossbow had also begun to show its age- it was covered in knicks and scratches, the paint was starting to peel off- but it still shot good.

Still wish I had a proper rifle, though.

I held a wing in front of Dee causing her to stop. I pointed wordlessly at a fat rabbit that was eating some clover in the grass. She watched in fascination as I lifted my weapon.

Thwip!

The thing started thrashing and screaming on the ground- the bolt had gone through him and pinned him to the ground.

“Hope the guts aren’t spoiling the meat.” I murmured to myself, wasting no time in holstering my bow and grabbing my dagger.

“You wanna go for the nape of the neck- that’s the best way to put something down.” I did just that; my dagger which was as sharp as ever cut into the nape of its neck- the screaming and movement stopped.

I looked over and saw that Dee was mesmerized, watching the blood leak from its neck wound onto the forest ground below.

“Lets head back to camp.” I yanked the bolt out and slung the rabbit across my back.

The aforementioned “camp” was actually an old abandoned cabin in the woods. Dee and I would hang out here all the time- just chilling, smoking weed, what have you. I even tried setting up my own weed operation, but that zebra in the Everfree just had me beat in both quality and production.

She’s got that real sticky-icky green that’ll drive your ass all the way to Shambhala.

We both sat at the rotting old picnic table and I got to work. Cutting a small seam along the back, I was able to grip my fingers just underneath the skin, pulling each flap off in two quick movements.

“Now unless you want to make the world's smallest coat, I recommend just getting rid of the fur.” She just looked on in morbid fascination as I just threw the fur deep into the woods for some coyotes to munch on. “Same with the guts. Just toss them- though you may want to hold your breath for this one.” The smell of organs was something I was well used to, but Dee looked like she was about to gag as I just used a hand to scoop them out and toss them into the forest.

“If you ever wondered what your guts smell like- well, they smell like shit. Literally. Or maybe it’s the other way around?” I just shrugged and chopped the head off, once again chucking it to the side. I held the carcass, giving it a once over and nodding. Dee spoke up.

“Can… Can I touch it?” she had an odd look on her face that I couldn’t quite read. She poked the cadaver with the tip of her hoof, prodding at the exposed flesh as though she expected it to get up and walk away. “So weird…”

“Yeah, you are weird.” I gave her a smug smirk and she blushed, looking off to the side.

“Am not!” I just snorted.

“Says the girl who’s currently helping me do one of the most taboo things to even talk about in pony society.” which was true- everyone knew Mamma and I hunted regularly for protein, but no one ever talked about it- most folks get queasy at the mere implication of such a thing. She just scoffed at me.

“Whatever. What… what comes next?” I just smiled.

“Gotta wash it.” We went to a nearby rapid freshwater stream which I used to clean the rabbit.

Fun fact about griffon biology- many of us inherit traits from our progenitor species. What that means is that since Mamma and I are corvidae griffons, we could technically be carrion eaters- so we have very strong stomachs as a result.

So really, I wasn’t that worried about getting sick. Hell, I don’t think I’ve ever gotten a stomach virus.

Back at the camp, I got a cutting board out and started to work- I also set the ingredients to the side and began cutting up the rabbit into little bits.

“You mind getting a fire started for me?” She smiled and nodded, and I heard the sound of an axe chopping wood behind me. I was just idly fileting the rabbit into little pieces and throwing them in the pot.

I really was curious about the real reason she wanted to be here. I asked and her only answer was I’m curious while blushing and looking off to the side. I wasn’t gonna judge her for it- I’ve known plenty of sick, depraved fucks who get off on bloodshed and murder.

I see one in the mirror every day, after all.

After getting most of the meat off the carcass, I tossed the bones into the woods and washed my knife in the river. Back at camp a fire was going and the morning fog had begun to recede.

Since I am a very careful person and always mindful of cross-contamination, I flipped the cutting board over and used the other side, using a hand to swipe the dirt off.

What? The ingredients were gonna be boiled anyway.

I grabbed a potato and began to slice it into big chunks and threw them into the pot
while Dee sat across from me.

Next, I grabbed a carrot and held it up to her. “Wanna do me a favor and bite the thin end off?” she shrugged and bit it off with a loud crunch. I just sliced the carrot, then I did the same with an onion, simply tossing the skin onto the ground.

Then, I started tearing up a sprig of dill and parsley, then added a chopped green onion into the pot. I poured water from a jug into it and hung it off the spit which we kept over the fire.

“Just gotta add the final touches.” Bay leaf and a half ton of salt and pepper for flavoring. Well, not literally but you get it.

The soup began to boil and I stirred it around with a ladle every now and then.

“See, I actually learned this recipe off another traveler. Apparently it’s a Northumbrian dish- normally it would use fish but eh. Fuck em.” I scratched my chin in thought. “Can’t remember the name, though. I’ve started calling it End Of Month Soup- after all, the ingredients are so common and cheap that even when you’re damn near broke you can make it.”

“I don’t think the rabbit is very common, though.” I just snorted.

“Not if you know where to look for it.” she just shrugged.

After about 10 minutes, the soup was ready. I poured myself a bowl and sat at the table across from Dee.

“Well, that’s how I hunt for food, more or less.” I gave her a smirk. “Did I sate your curiosity?” she nodded slowly, looking at the soup like it was an alien.

After a few minutes, she spoke again.

“What… what does it taste like?” This gave me pause. Honestly? I wasn’t sure how to answer.

“Well, rabbit meat tastes like chicken, though that doesn’t do you any good. It’s like asking you what hay tastes like because to me, hay is just grass. It’s not part of my diet- I’ve never even tried it.” Although, perhaps it’s because I’ve never even thought to. She blushed and was looking off to the side.

“Can… Can I try some?” I was in the middle of lifting a bite to my mouth when she asked. I paused… then I shrugged. I’ve heard of actual horses back home eating squirrels before. What could a bite hurt? Besides, I was kind of curious as to what she would taste.

I lowered the spoon and grabbed another bite, making sure to grab a small chunk of rabbit as well. I held the spoon up, and she just ate it with a light slurp. She chewed curiously for a moment.

“The vegetable aspect tastes good…” Of course, the standard for pony soup is vegetables without any sort of meat stock or broth- “But the chunk of rabbit tastes… weird.” She presumably gulped the piece down. “It’s like… chewing on a piece of rubber, it doesn’t have much taste to it.”

“We must have different taste buds, then. Interesting.” I continued my meal and she asked me a question that almost made me do a spit-take.

“What would I taste like? Or, what would pony meat in general taste like to you?” I just tilted my head.

“Odd fuckin’ thing to ask.” she blushed again. I remembered hearing descriptions of horse meat back home.

“Well… probably a mix of gamey-ness and sweetness. Really though, it depends on your diet. Like, you do eat a good amount of vegetables and fruits, but you also eat a lot of processed foods and sweets.” I looked to the side and clicked my tongue. “I don’t know, to be honest. I guess you’d taste pretty sweet. Hell, your flanks would probably make for a good steak.” It was a weird thing to say, but she started it. Talk about eating ass. She blushed beet red when I said the flank thing.

I just chuckled and finished my breakfast.

“Mind carrying the pot? It should be cooled down by now.” she did just that, throwing the now cooled pot onto her back.

I decided to strike up a conversation on the way back.

“Well, I hope you found that… enlightening, I guess.” After a few moments, she smiled and nodded.

“Yeah… yeah, it was pretty interesting.” I just snorted.

“That’s one way of putting it.”

---

I still don’t understand why she was so curious about that ordeal. While I’m still thinking about my bestest pal in the world- there was that time I helped her through an identity crisis. Those’re always fun, lemme tell ya’. We were still in that little schoolhouse at the time- Dee was running as class president against that midget from Trottingham, Pipsqueak.

I was her campaign manager- and I kinda fucked up, not even gonna lie.

---

“The votes have been counted!” Cheerilee announced to the congregation outside the school. Dee and I just stood there with smug grins on our faces- Surely, victory was in the bag for us!

See, I wasn’t just her campaign manager- I was her enforcer. I figured I could just shake my fist around for a bit, crack my knuckles, play with my lighter and grit my beak, and the rest of the chucklefucks would realize that voting for Pip would be… against their best interest.

“The student pony president is…” I slapped Dee on the back, a gesture which meant Go get ‘em!

“Pipsqueak!” If I was drinking something I would’ve done a spit take- Dee was in about the same boat.

“H-huh wha-?” was her only response, jaw dropping and eyes widening.

Cheers erupted from the crowd and I just started hearing ringing in my ears.

“I couldn’t ‘ave done it without the help of my campaign managers, the Cutie Mahk Crusaders!”

I just punched the dirt with a fist. The Dipshit Trio checked their asses- and lo, not a cutie mark to be found. I mean, seriously- you’re this old and you haven’t figured out a single thing that you’re good at?

“Guess you’re not as good as you thought, blank flanks!” I just scoffed and stormed into the buildings.

“There is no way, there’s just no way! I refuse!”

…

“TWO. VOTES.” I gripped the ballots in a fist and slammed them on the ground. “UNBELIEVABLE!” Dee looked at me with a look of pure, abject sorrow and stormed off- and I ran after her.

“Dee! Wait up!” I yelled for her.

Eventually I caught up- Instead of looking angry like I expected, she was walking slowly, just staring at the ground.

“Dee! Speak to me, bud!” I threw a wing around her back and she just sighed.

“Leona… what do you think my cutie mark means?” I cocked an eyebrow.

“I… can’t say I’ve ever thought of that…” After a few moments of silence, I asked- “What do you think it means?” She just sighed.

“That’s the thing! I don’t know what it means…” she looked to the side, “My mother always said it meant that I could always get ponies to do what I want, but now… I’m not so sure.” I just tapped my beak a few times, lost in thought.

“I think… I think I have an idea. Whenever I want something, what do I usually do?” She stopped suddenly.

“You… you take it.” I nodded.

“And if that doesn’t work?”

“You… try to bribe or intimidate whatever’s stopping you?” I snapped my fingers.

“Exactly! That’s one way to get what you want- but there’s other ways, too!” We both sat on a nearby bench, and I put a wing around her. She gasped, her eyes widening.

“I think I get it… your methods are totally unsubtle and overt… and when I try to use the same methods as you, it just doesn’t work out for me…” She looked at me with a smile. “We can’t beat everyone up! That wouldn’t work here, no no no… but if I can undermine Pipsqueak, then…”

“Then you can take over as the de-facto leader!” I held up a fist which she bumped with her hoof.

“I’ve got an idea! We’re going full damage-control!” I felt so proud of her, to be honest.

The next day at school, Pip was set to give a speech- see, he promised to have our clapped out old playground equipment repaired and replaced; that was literally the one thing he promised he’d do as president.

What he didn’t count on was the fact that Diamond Tiara’s mother was head of the school board.

He was standing at the shitty roll-out podium sweating bullets. The CMC didn’t look much better.

“‘E-’ello everypony…” I crossed my arms with a smug grin, holding a clipboard under my wing. “I uh… I submitted our request to the school board and… and…” the congregation was looking around nervously, murmuring amongst themselves.

“The request was denied due to… to budgetary constraints.” he lowered himself as though he was trying to hide behind the podium. It was our time to shine.

“And? What now?” Diamond Tiara spoke up- “You just gave up?” I gave a mocking snort and handed her the clipboard. The murmurs started to shift towards disappointment and anger.

“Luckily, I came prepared.” She walked up to the podium and almost knocked Pip out of the way. “This is a petition signed by over fifty Ponyville residents.” she had a smug look on her face.

“It highlights all the dangers and issues with our current playground equipment and also includes a list of all past incident reports in which somepony got hurt. With this list, I am confident I will be able sway the school board to our side in this urgent matter.” The mood was noticeably uplifted among the crowd while Pip and the CMC slowly skulked off.

Dee managed to force herself to have a look of regret.

“Due to recent events, I’ve come to realize the error of my ways. It has been brought to my attention that for years I have been constantly hurting my peers with impunity.” She took a deep breath. “I ask not for your forgiveness, nor do I ask for the spot as President. I humbly ask that you allow me to assist in improving our situations in any way I can.” I was… a little surprised by that, not even gonna lie.

I noticed the smiles among the crowd- and Silver Spoon was the first to speak up.

“Diamond Tiara, I’ve known you for years before… well, that doesn’t matter.” She had an odd look on her face- and I hoped for her sake that she didn’t fuck this up for her.

“First, I’d like to say… I told you so.” Diamond Tiara had a worried look on her face and I began to clench my fist.

“Second…” She gave a light smile. “If you really mean it… then I forgive you.” Dee’s smile grew and I nodded in satisfaction and finally spoke up.

“Let’s give it up for Diamond Tiara!” cheers erupted from the crowd as they stormed the podium and literally lifted Dee above their heads in joy. I gave her a proud smirk and I don’t think I’ve ever seen her look so happy before.

After class was over and everyone was gone, we took the clipboard with the fake petition and threw it away- after all, we’d already worked out a deal with her father.

Later that evening, we were just chilling at the lake- which I started calling Moonside Lake. She was laying on a blanket and I had my back against a tree.

“I told you that you could do it.” I just said with a smirk and she just snorted.

“Do you think you’re confident of your place in life now?” She gave me a wide smile.

“I think I get it. The whole time I’ve been trying to rule as Queen… when I should’ve been ruling like a Princess.” I smiled.

“Dee… you’ve got charisma. You’ve got looks. And you’re a damn good bullshitter. Today was proof of that.” she blushed and looked to the side. “If you put your mind to it, you could take charge of your own empire!” her eyes widened in wonder at the implication.

“The fact that you got fucking Silver Spoon to say she forgave you is a feat in an of itself! I honestly thought she saw through your bullshit at first.” She had a misty eyed look on her face.

“Leona… I want you to promise me something.” I just looked at her and cocked an eyebrow. “Whatever future business ventures we may take part in… I’d like to keep you close by.” My eyes widened. “While being nice is the way to go for me, personally… You know when it’s a good time to use your fists!”

“So like… a business partner? Or a consigliere?” she just snorted.

“No, as a friend, you knucklehead! Together, I feel like we could take over the business world!” That’s what she always wanted to get into, after all- she always wanted to take over her fathers businesses and expand them. I just smiled.

“Yeah. Yeah, I can get behind that idea.” She bolted up and wrapped her arms around me.

---

And that leads us to the present day. Dee turned 18 a couple months ago and I myself had turned 18 not too long ago.

Finally! We could legally do some of the things we’ve been doing since we were 13! We still couldn’t drink or smoke until we were 21, though.

Whatever.

We still remained the bestest of friends and ever since that class president debacle she had gained much more respect among her peers. That said, I still had no problems playing the part of the enforcer.

We were at the abandoned cabin in the woods where we were working on our first real business venture together- moonshine.

The plan was simple, really- we were gonna sell it to the underaged masses of Ponyville at a profit. I was eventually gonna work on getting some flavor infusions, but the jury rigged nature of our still left things to be desired.

Dee had left to rock a piss and I was finishing up bottling our supply. There were three distinct groups of jars- The heads, the hearts, and the tails.

The heads were worthless- unless you wanted to go blind, that is. They’re full of methanol, or wood alcohol- and since I don’t believe anyone in Ponyville had any Irish ancestry in them, it was overall worthless. The hearts were the middle of the batch- apparently the highest quality stuff out of the whole lot.

Although, considering the fact that this is unflavored corn liquor, I doubted it would amount to much. We were essentially making an unaged whiskey here. The tails were exactly what it sounded like- the literal tail end of the batch.

I had called over my two favorite lackeys to test what I really hoped was where I believe the heads ended and the hearts began.

“Snips, Snails!” It’d be a shame to lose them, to be honest.

They both ran up and saluted. “Yes ma’am!” I snapped twice.

“Smokes, let’s go.” dejectedly, Snails reached into his bag and produced a pack of Marelboros- which I had no problem taking a handful and lighting one up. Cigarette still in my mouth, I grabbed a jar for them to split.

“I want you both to take a big gulp of this stuff and tell me if you start to go blind or not.” I’ve met cats and dogs smarter than Snips and Snails- in fact, most cats and dogs are smarter than Snips and Snails. They took the jar and both took a decent gulp of it, cringing fiercely at the taste.

“If we start going blind, you can fix us, right?” asked Snips.

“Yeah.” It wasn’t a complete lie- if I had some regular booze to give them, it would bind to their liver before the methanol. Hopefully. If not, I had no problems with burying bodies. After a few minutes, Dee showed back up.

“Finally. Thought you got lost or something.” She just rolled her eyes.

“You know how I feel about going in the woods.” I just snorted.

“You wouldn’t have made it on the trip from Featherworth.” I flopped onto the old couch that was nearby and she joined me with a chuckle.

“Yeah, can’t argue with you there.”

We decided to give it about an hour and a half- if the methanol poisoning was gonna kick in, it would be within that time period. Dee and I just shot the shit for a bit and I gave Snips and Snails a couple joints to share so they’d keep their mouths shut.

After the time had passed, I asked them if they felt anything.

“Yeah dude… we’re baked as shit.” Snips answered, thank fuck.

“But can you still see?” I held up four fingers. “How many fingers am I holding up? Or is this too high of a number for you two?” They both stared at my hand for a few seconds. I started slowly moving it around and saw that their eyes were definitely watching it- they could see just fine. They’re both just morons.

“Okay, good enough.” I gave them their jar of liquor as payment.

“Hey boys… knock knock.” they both just looked at me weirdly before they spoke up-

“Who’s there?” I gave them two middle fingers.

“Fuck off.” and they did just that, leaving Dee and I alone. I took a marker and made sure all the bad jars were labeled- we’d just dump them out later. I looked outside and noticed that it would soon be sundown.

“Hey, Dee…” I gave her a smile, grabbing a jar of the good stuff- and by good, I meant it wouldn’t kill us. “What say we test our product for the night, eh?” After a few moments, she gave me a devious smile. I smirked and popped the jar.

I let out a deep breath. “Cheers.” I took three large gulps before almost dropping the jar. I coughed and breathed in as best as I could, tears forming in the corner of my eyes.

“It’s real good.” She just laughed and took the jar. She repeated the process and suffered about the same.

“Could really use a mixer… or a chaser…” I just gave her a dopey smile and resealed the jar, putting it into my bag for later usage.

“Let’s have a night on the town!” I said, and she agreed.

About halfway on the path to town, we both started to sway lightly. Dee was blushing a little and had a stupid grin on her face- and I looked about the same. I put a wing around her to steady our walking a bit.

“Holy fuck, that stuff’s strong.” I burped and fucking regretted it- it felt like I just took another swig of the stuff. “Ohh, do not burp!” She was cracking up at my expense and I couldn’t help but join her.

“How much do you think we can get per jar?” She asked me, causing my eyes to narrow. I was performing intense calculations-

“Well… material cost plus… ABV plus… labor… I got it!” She looked at me expectantly. “I’m way too drunk to do math right now.” We were both laughing and she grabbed the jar out of my bag.

“I’ll drink to that!” She took a swig and I did the same as her. It wasn’t as bad, now that we knew what to expect. It still burned like hell, though.

And so, our night of drunken revelry carried on. All sorts of crazy shit happened that night.

At one point, we were walking past some random house near the outskirts. She gasped and I stopped to see what the commotion was. She gave me a smirk and pointed at…

A garden gnome. I smiled deviously and nodded.

I grabbed the tiny being and ran with it- both of us sprinting through Ponyville like a couple of lunatics as I held the gnome under my wing. Eventually we ditched it- but we couldn’t remember where. Oh well.

At one point, we both got the liquor munchies and stopped at my house to raid the fridge. We both destroyed a week old leftover pizza, each taking more gulps of liquor and punctuating them with gulps of juice.

Apparently we were making a bit of a ruckus and I quickly moved to hide the moonshine.

“Leona? Dee?” At first she looked confused, then she no doubt saw the looks on our faces. “You’ve been out drinking, haven’t you?” I just shrugged.

“We only had a couple of drinks!” Mamma just scoffed.

“Yeah, so would Gramma. Look what happened to her. Just… just be careful, alright?” She came over and gave me a quick hug, which I reciprocated.

“Love you, Mamma.”

“Love you too, baby. Try not to stay out too late.” as she walked upstairs she yelled down- “And don’t forget the recovery position!” I rolled my eyes.

“On my side with my face pointing away from the bed, I know, Ma!”

We both took a few more swigs of juice and another gulp of moonshine each.

“You ready?” she nodded and we headed out.

“So… what happened to your Gramma?” a bit of a blunt question to ask, but I could hardly blame her. We are both wasted, after all. I just shrugged.

“Eh, she was a massive drunk for as long as I can remember. One day she woke up complaining of bad stomach pains- so she took some Aspirin and washed it down with rotgut.” I just snorted. “It turns out, that’s not how you deal with a stomach ulcer. She croaked not long after that.” Dee just cringed.

“Yeah… yeah I bet.”

“And that’s not even the worst part! She saw the upcoming economic clusterfuck and spent all our money on booze, the drunken old harpy.” I grit my beak. “I’d… I’d rather not talk about it anymore, if that’s alright.”

She just nuzzled my side and I couldn’t help but smile. I threw a wing around her.

Eventually, we made our way to Moonside Lake. We were both sweating from our night of unrestrained boozing and the night wind made it feel chillier than normal- so we were cuddled up next to each other on the shore for warmth. She leaned into my side and I wrapped her in a wing.

We were down to our last quarter of the jar and it really showed. The moon hung high in the sky and reflected beautifully on the lake- and since we were so drunk, we got to see it twice.

“I had… a wonderful time tonight.” I looked over and she was red faced, grinning with a dopey looking smile. She looked… oddly cute.

“Same… we’re gonna make so much fuckin money together.” I gave a smile and she seemed… disappointed? “What’s wrong?” I couldn’t help but ask

“It’s just… we’ve been best friends for so long now… and you’ve always been there when I needed you…” She was circling a hoof around my chest plume and I cocked an eyebrow.

“You… You said you wanted to be business partners, but… but what we have is far too casual for me to even consider it to be that…” She continued and I tilted my head. “I want… I want more.” she looked up at me and smiled that same, dopey looking grin. “You’re smart, funny, you’re pretty…” I think my heart stopped for a second there.

Me? Pretty? Now I know she’s drunk.

“I… will you be my special somepony?” she had a pleading look in her eyes that broke my heart. I just sighed.

“Dee… you don’t want nothin’ to do with me on that level.” her smile fell and she gave me a look of abject heartbreak that just hurt to look at. “I’m a bad, bad person, Dee. Some would call me evil, even.”

“B-but I…”

“Dee, listen. It’s not you, it’s me- as cliché as that sounds… I wanna protect you. I wanna see you succeed in life and… I’m worried I might hurt you.” that hurt to think of more than anything else. I remember how Mamma felt everytime I fucked something up and felt a lump forming in my throat.

“You’re not! You’re not evil! You’re wonderful, and kind, and… and so beautiful- like a graceful raven in the sky!” I just snorted, but it came out as a sniffle instead.

“I’m more of a dirty old carrion crow, wallowing in the filth and decay around me.” I took a deep breath and shuddered. “Dee- I was fully prepared to bury Snips and Snails today if it came down to it! In fact, I thought nothing of it!” she just snorted.

“And do you think I wouldn’t have helped you?” I was taken aback by this, not gonna lie.

“But… but you…”

“Knew the risks. I know how methanol poisoning works, I’m not stupid!” she had a sort of fire in her eyes.

“I never said you were!” She smirked.

“Do you remember that hunting trip you took me on?” I blinked and nodded slowly. “Surely you noticed how… strange, I was acting, no?” she began to giggle oddly.

“All day, I was thinking about that rabbit. How it lay there, helpless as you slowly walked up to it and… and… I was imagining what could be going through its head. Fear? Anger? Hatred?” she bit her lip, her hoof pressing into my feathers. I put two and two together and smiled.

“I’ve killed other griffons before, you know.” Her eyes shot open and I wondered if I made a mistake.

“I… tell me the details.” she began to blush and I don’t think it was from the alcohol. “All… how was it?” I just snorted.

“It was completely unplanned. I was robbing him at knifepoint… and I slashed his chest open and stabbed him between the ribs.” I smiled at the memory. “There was so much blood… he looked at me with pure hatred in his eyes… then looked afraid when he realized how fucked he was. I sliced his throat open… the blood started shooting out in spurts to the rhythm of his heartbeat… until it stopped.” Her breathing intensified and I laid down- and she laid on top of me, burying her face in my chest.

“It makes you feel so powerful… like a God…” I smiled… then Dee let out a sob. I wasted no time in wrapping my arms and wings around her.

“Please, just… enough teasing.” she sniffed. “I want you, damn it!” I blinked twice and gave a devious grin.

“You… you really mean it, don’t you?” she nodded and I rolled over- she was laying on her back beneath me and I stood over her, spreading my wings in an imposing manner. Her breathing intensified and she nodded rapidly.

“More than anything.” I shot my head down, beak aiming for her neck.

---

We uhh… we cuddled last night. That’s all we did, for sure. Cuddled real hard.

I laid in her bed, arms, legs, and wings wrapped around her peaceful, sleeping body. It felt… it felt like our hearts were beating in sync, if that made any sense.

Come to think of it… have I ever had anyone love me in… this way? I honestly don’t think I have. Honestly, I’m still a bit shocked for so many reasons.

Like… I’ve always had a fascination with death- I have ever since I was five years old and watched my father blow his brains out. But Dee… She likes it for a whole different reason. Very different reasons.

“Dee?” It was early morning, the sunlight filtered through the curtains.

“Hmm?”

“I love you, Dee.”

“I love you too, darling.”

I grinned. This… would be the start of something awesome, I could tell.

Deal

View Online

Fun fact about griffons; it’s way too easy to give someone a hickey when you have a beak. So when Dee started wearing a pink capelet with a high collar and a white sun hat, it was to the surprise of no one.

Mamma was quite proud of me for managing to get a girlfriend- which was to be expected. Though she did admit that she believed her to be a bad influence- but I feel like Dee and I are bad influences on each other. So whatever.

On the opposite side of the spectrum, her mother was uhh… not too thrilled with us. She barely tolerates her being a lesbian- and for her mother to find out that she was dating “one of the common immigrant rabble”- like I said. Not happy.

This is compounded with the fact that her father is the complete opposite. He’s quite accepting of his daughter, and he actually invited me to have dinner with them, once.

Keyword being once.

I was sitting next to Dee and her parents were sitting across from us. Dinner had been going quite well- up until my darling girlfriend had a question.

“Mommy, could you pass me the salt?”

“Sure thing, babe.” And you know, without thinking I reached for the salt and passed it to her.

Then I realized what I just did and my eyes shot open. Her mother was sending a death glare my way that… Well, it freaked me out a bit. Her father just rubbed the bridge of his nose.

That uh… that was the last time they had me over for dinner. I’m still banging their daughter, though, so who’s the real jackass here?

The rest of that summer went real well, too- we made a pretty penny selling off that liquor. Some people might see it as morally bankrupt to sell hard booze to underagers- but the way I see it, I’m filling a market which has high demand and very little supply. What the people wants, the people’s gonna get.

And besides. It’s far from the worst thing I’ve ever done. And people say that capitalism has failed.

But anyways, we were about to enter our last year of highschool- one which would prove to bring out many great opportunities.

Dee and I were just sitting in the back next to each other like we normally do while the teacher was just going on and on. We had an hour left- one which was taking far too long. And he was still talking!

“Now as you all know, your final capstone project will be due at the end of the school year. I trust that you’ve all thought well about what you want to do- and if you haven’t, I recommend you start now. You may do it with a partner or you may do it alone- but whatever it is, try to be unique! Representatives from several esteemed colleges across the nation will be here to look at your work.” This… is something I’ve thought about for years.

It was time to make some fuckin’ gunpowder. The crossbow is nice and all- but GUNS! That’s my aim for this project- I’m hoping to get accepted into a good school where I can learn more about smithing, metalworking, and chemistry.

I decided to talk to Dee about it after class today. Hopefully, she’ll see the potential in the idea.

---

After class, we both went home and were just chilling in my room. She was sitting on the bed and I was by the window, smoking a cigarette.

“So you’re telling me… that this powder you claim to know so much about… will forever change the way large-scale wars are fought?” She was… a bit skeptical, understandably. “And you know I don’t like it when you smoke when I’m in the room.” I just snorted.

“And weed’s any different?” We’ve hotboxed this room more times than I care to admit, to be fair. I crushed my cigarette and tossed it out the window.

“That’s different.” I just chuckled and gave her a quick nuzzle on the cheek.

“But anyways… absolutely it will. I know you’re skeptical, but…” she interrupted me mid sentence.

“How do you know this stuff will even work?” I just shrugged. How the fuck do I explain this?

“I… I just…” I just sighed. “I have… past experience using the stuff. A lot of experience, actually.” she just snorted and spread her arms wide-

“From fuckin’ where? Where did this… this outlandish idea even come from?” I just clamped my beak, looking from side to side. She put a hoof to my chin.

“Baby… is there something you’re not telling me?” I looked into her eyes and saw just the slightest hint of sadness. “You can tell me anything, you know.” I just sighed.

“I’m just… trying to think how to start.”

“We got time.” I just smiled and poured up a shot of our moonshine.

“Liquid courage. I’m about to tell you something I’ve never told a soul.” I downed the shot and cringed at the burn. I took a deep breath.

“Well… when I was born I was… aware.” she tilted her head in confusion. “I was aware of my surroundings. I was able to recognize that we were in a house, and I knew that it was just my reflection in the mirror.” I just started staring out the window.

“I knew who I was… but not what I was.” After a few moments, Dee finally spoke up.

“You’re trying to tell me that… fresh out of the womb, you were capable of higher levels of thinking?”

“I know it sounds insane, but ask my Mamma. She’ll corroborate my story that I said my first words at barely two months old. Not only that- I was forming coherent sentences. I helped her with her math homework, even.” I looked at her and saw that she had an… odd expression on her face. She shook her head and sighed; my heart just sank in my chest.

“Why… Why do I believe you?” she just rubbed the bridge of her nose with a hoof. “Okay… how and why?” I gave her a faint smile.

“Because for about 50 years before I was born here… I lived my life as a human.” She was just shaking her head slowly.

“That’s… that’s not possible.” she had a look of betrayal in her eyes that… hurt. “You’re lying.”

“Oh, is she now?” My eyes widened at the voice.

“Discord! The fuck are you doing in my window?” The clusterfuck organism stuck his head through my window like he owned the place.

“Oh, I don’t know. What are you doing throwing cigarette butts at people?” the discarded butt appeared between his fingers which he flicked at me, it doinking off my head. I just snorted.

“I didn’t know you were down there. Is there anything else I can help you with?” He just chuckled.

“Yes, actually!” He snapped his fingers and the room filled with a pink cloud of smoke- I heard a loud gasp across from me.

Well, let me cut to the chase. He turned me into a fucking human again. On instinct I moved to try and cover myself- as though that mattered here.

“DISCORD!” he was laughing his ass off while floating around my room, while Dee just looked on in awe. “FIX ME!”

“Well, I don’t think anything can be done for that messed up head of yours… but I can turn you back into a griffon.” I just groaned in annoyance.

“Yes I would very much fucking like that.” My patience had grown razor-wire thin at this point- and if he wasn’t a God I’d probably try and kill him.

He just laughed and snapped his fingers again- and I was back to being Leona.

“Good day, Trinity!” He flew out of my window laughing and I yelled at him-

“STOP CALLING ME THAT!” I flipped him off and slammed the window. I flexed my wings and moved my tail a little bit, and breathed a sigh of relief when I got confirmation that, yes, they were still working fine.

“Gah, that guy creeps me out.” I looked over and Dee just shook her head, as if trying to snap herself out of a trance.

“So anyways, that’s how I looked as a human.” I just smirked. “Now do you believe me?” She just nodded slowly. Ah, Discord was useful for once. Nice. I hopped up onto the bed and sat next to her, wrapping her with a wing.

“And to answer your question about this weapon I’m gonna make… Well, I was kind of an expert- I was the head of the Boss’s dedicated hit squad.” her eyes widened.

“So wait, that means you-”

“Killed for a living.” I started to lower my voice- just in case anyone was listening in. “Spent 20 years on death row for it.” she just put a hoof to her mouth.

“When you said you killed that griffon… you weren’t lying?” I couldn’t help but cackle upon seeing her facial expression.

“Not one bit. Fun fact about firearms- If you shoot someone in the head with a big enough bullet… POP! It blows up like a watermelon.” She was blushing and biting her hoof. “Sends blood, brain, and skull fragments all over the room!”

Convincing her to help me with my firearms project was as easy as regaling to her all the horrible things guns can to the human body- or any body, for that matter- in gruesome detail.

Hey, I don’t kinkshame. Besides, she’s cute when she’s all hot and bothered. What really got her going was when I started describing those moments when I had time to… play with my targets.

I fucking loved those jobs- although, for different reasons than Dee would.

Eventually she couldn’t take it anymore- I pinned her down to the bed and-

My bedroom door opened.

“Leona, I… got…” My mother must have just gotten home from work. Immediately I fell onto my side, using the blanket to cover myself.

“Jesus Christ, have you ever heard of knocking!?” I then realized that… we don’t normally wear clothes.

Needless to say, dinner was awkward as hell that night.

---

At the moment, Dee and I were at my house, discussing the plan over morning coffee. Mamma had to work early, so that just left the two of us to discuss our plans. She took a sip of her coffee- which was more milk and sugar than the former. She snorted and said,

“I don’t understand how you can just drink black coffee like that.” I just chuckled in response.

“It lets me know I’m still alive.” I took a sip and savored the bitter, awful taste and she rolled her eyes at me.

“Well, I knew we’d have to talk about this eventually… What’re your plans for the future? It’s great… I think… that you want to bring this technology into our world- but why?” I just sighed and looked to the side.

“It’s because… because I’m still upset about what the dogs did to my homeland! The Confederacy is in utter shambles- all because a bunch of dirty fuckin’ mutts don’t know their place in this world!” Dee just snorted.

“And where exactly is that place?”

“Under my boot, that’s where!” I grabbed her hoof in my hands and she blushed. “Diamond Tiara… Bella Mia… If we play our cards right, we could slowly unfuck the economy and at the same time, put the… The beasts in their place! Think about it-” I scooted beside her and put an arm around her back, gesturing around the room.

“We could become the Empresses of the New World!” I pointed to her cutie mark- “That crown on your flank? That means that you were meant to rule!” I couldn’t help but cackle lightly.

“And gunpowder isn’t the only weapon I plan to recreate! I got a couple things I plan on recreating-” Of which I refuse to write down. But I will say- I do believe it will be highly effective for fighting the dogs.

“I want to not only fix the old Confederacy, but unite it under one banner! Our banner! We’d have an entire nation and its wealth behind us! Armies will be fielded in our names! And we’ll be remembered for millenia to come!” Dee just looked at me and blinked.

“Those goals are… lofty, to say the least. How… how do you know we won’t fail along the way?” I just snorted.

“Because authoritarianism is easy. You just gotta have a big dick to wave around and everyone else will fall in line no problem.

“Not only that, but a weak nation means weak leadership- and all it takes is a little push to topple the old rule.” I grabbed her shoulders and looked her in the eyes.

“But I can’t do it without you, baby. Between your charm and my brawn, we’ll easily be able to manipulate anyone to our will!” Her smile grew.

“So you… want to make me a queen?” I just nodded with a smirk- and she pulled me in for a kiss.

Or, as close to a kiss you can get with a beak.

It was still hot, though. Once she finally pulled back, she said-

“Fine. Fine, I’ll help you with this batshit insane plan of yours.” I couldn’t help but pull her in for a hug.

“I knew I could count on you, baby.” I began to whisper in her ear- “Plus… Imagine how many prisoners of war you’ll have access to… to play with.” her back straightened at this and I couldn’t help but cackle.

Fuck, I love this woman- all I have to do is appeal to her sadistic nature and she’s literally melting in my arms. It’s adorable, really.

---

So while our long term plan wasn’t entirely fleshed out- we sort of had the gist of it: We were both going to attend school to further our education. I was gonna go for the before-mentioned studies of metalworking, chemistry, and smithing. Dee said she planned to go for business management and leadership, law, and history.

After that, we were gonna find some way to make a bunch of money in Equestria- though we’re not sure how, yet. Maybe we can start our own crime family somewhere?

Either way- our opportunities are boundless.

Big Iron

View Online

Shit, where do I start?

Well, first and foremost, I’ve spent the last three months shoveling, boiling, and straining bat shit to acquire saltpeter.

Yes, you heard that right. Bat shit- or guano- is pretty rich in the stuff. I haven’t been doing it alone, though- I had my two favorite lackey’s helping me, and I paid them good wages in liquor and weed.

I went up to Snails and snapped my fingers twice. “Let’s go, smokes.” he just groaned.

“I’m starting to run out…” he whined as I took a couple smokes for my own use.

“Well you’re in luck. I should have enough saltpeter by now to get started.” I had Snips pulling a small cart of the stuff back to Dee’s place, where we had this whole operation going.

You may be wondering why Dee isn’t helping with this part- well, as soon as I mentioned “shoveling bat shit” she refused.

It was understandable. And besides that- I never minded doing dirty work, so I just had her handling all the other stuff. She was in charge of purchasing the… other materials we would be using. Not only the constituent ingredients, but also a decent supply of firewood to use, as well as the tools we’d need to make this possible.

Snips and Snails transferred the bat shit to a decent size drum full of water which hung over our firepit.

“Alright boys, that’s enough for the day.” You may be wondering how I keep these chucklefucks in line? I batted my eyelashes and handed them a jar of booze, giving each of them a quick smooch on the cheek. They both walked away with dopey smiles on their faces and I spat at the ground, lighting a cigarette.

God, men are so fucking easy to manipulate. Even Dee was in on it- I found it kinda funny.

The next part, I didn’t really trust them with- I felt it would be too complicated for them, and one of them would likely get hurt. The rest of the day was spent- you guessed it- boiling and straining bat shit. The methods I used were a bit more complicated than that, of course- but I’m not writing it down.

If someone needs industrial amounts of this stuff, they can figure it out themselves.

The sun had begun to fall, and thankfully I was almost finished. I was using a hammer and a bag of thick cloth to grind the stuff down into smaller granules for later use, and transferred them to a little wooden barrel.

After three months of on and off hard work, I’d managed to produce about two pounds of this Chinese miracle. Enough to last me a while, to be sure- but hardly enough to field an army with.

I wiped the sweat off my brow and went to turn in for the night. Despite the fact that it was early winter, it was still pretty hard work.

No one said revolutionizing warfare would be easy, after all.

I brought the barrel to Dee’s room and set it in there since it was non-volatile by itself. She was sitting at her desk writing in her diary. I went up to hug her when she said-

“I swear to Celestia if you take another step closer without taking a shower first I will slap you.” I was taken aback momentarily… then I sniffed myself and cringed.

Oh yeah. I do smell like bat shit and BO, don’t I?

“You know where it is.” she said, without even looking up- but I could tell she was smiling.

I did just that; letting the hot water wash away the muck and grime of hard labor. I made sure to scrub extra hard, and used that fruity soap she likes the smell of; Tonight, I’d planned to… celebrate- after all, tonight was gonna be our six month anniversary. It doesn’t sound like much, but shit. It’s longer than any relationship I’ve been in before. That’s gotta count for something.

Once I got out of the shower, I used a blowdryer to make sure my chest was extra soft and floofy, and I even made sure the little tuft of fur on the end of my tail was nice and soft. I wanted tonight to be special, after all.

With that finished, I chomped back a couple breath mints and polished my beak.

In her room, she was still sitting at that chair at her desk- kicking the door behind me shut, I leaned into the back of her shoulders, rubbing them gently. She sighed and leaned her head back and I began to nibble at her ear. I began to whisper,

“Happy six months, Bella Mia.” She just giggled.

“You know, you never told me what that means.” I smirked.

“It means My Beautiful, darling.” I put a hand on her cheek and began to nibble at her neck. “Because that’s what you are, my love.” she just giggled and blushed adorably.

“You’re just so cheesy, you know that?”

“And you’re just so sweet. What’s your point?” She just rolled her eyes at me and said-

“Well… you wanna move somewhere more… comfortable?” I smiled and wasted no time setting her on the edge of the bed.

“Never thought you’d ask… Empress Tiara.” I kissed her cheek and worked my way down, reveling in her adorable squirming the entire time. Her back arched and she set her front hooves on my head for support.

Finally, I made my way down and-

“Diamond Tiara! I… got…” THE FUCKING DOOR AGAIN!? Of all people, her fucking mother was there.

My lover involuntarily wrapped her back hooves around my head, preventing me from escaping. She then yelled-

“You ever heard of knocking!? You should try it sometime!”

Presumably, her mother stalked off, probably muttering something about her daughter either sleeping with a degenerate or to try and wipe the memory of probably seeing my snatch out of her mind.

We still banged, though. I just made sure to lock the door this time.

I refused to get clam-jammed tonight.

---

I’d decided to take a bit of a break on the gunpowder project, at least until it starts warming up outside. Until then we just… did couples stuff together. It was nice, really. We went on dates together, kissed in public a lot, cuddled, got drunk and high together. One time I caught a squirrel for her and nailed its tail to a tree so she could get off to watching it suffer.

Just… domestic couple things. It was wonderful! We even celebrated the holidays together, which was always something Mamma and I never really bothered with. I mean, why would we celebrate the founding anniversary of an entire different nation?

Mr. Rich was even kind enough to invite Mamma over for dinner- which surprised me. I asked him about it and he said Though I’m still not sure if you two should be together, I can see you make her quite happy. Or something to that effect.

Surprisingly enough, our mothers bonded quite well. Mrs. Rich enjoyed showing off her daughter's baby photos, and Mamma was more than happy to try and outdo her. It was… a little embarrassing for Dee and I, to be honest.

We were all in the living room together- I had a wing wrapped around Dee as we sat on the couch.

Then when they decided to bring up the ages in which we were potty trained, Dee and I decided to bail to save us the humiliation. And besides- we had some new… toys I wanted to try out.

Like uhh… trains. Yeah, that’s it. We were playing with toy trains.

Choo-choo.

---

So when spring rolled around, it was time to get to work. After that winter wrap up nonsense, of course.

Since the hard part had been finished about three months ago, now it was time to make the charcoal. Thankfully, it would be much easier- all it took was a bunch of empty paint cans with holes on the top, pieces of softwood, and an open fire.

The fire pit we dug last year was about a foot into the ground, which made it as simple as putting a metal grate over the top- though I made sure to leave a way to add more wood to the fire.

I spent the entire day turning chunks of softwood into chunks of charcoal- which I would then throw into a cheesecloth, pound into even smaller bits, then use a hand cranked coffee grinder to reduce it to a usable powder.

Later that afternoon, Dee brought me out a quick dinner of cheese fries and a pitcher of lemonade.

“You’re a lifesaver, babe.” I took a sip of the lemonade, and realized something funky.

“That’s not lemonade, that’s liquorade!” I smiled and she giggled.

“Figured you could use a drink after a long day.”

“That I could.” She moved in to kiss me and I pulled back.

“Babe, my fur and feathers are full of charcoal dust right now. I wouldn’t if I were you.” I definitely made sure to tie a thick cloth around my beak whenever I started grinding the charcoal down. She just rolled her eyes at me.

“But anyways, I also came out to tell you that the last thing you needed had arrived.” my eyes widened in surprise.

“Oh shit! Bring it out back, then! I wanna test this shit tonight!” She smiled and nodded, and I finished my dinner and ground down the last of the charcoal.

I used a scale to measure out the exact amounts I needed and simply mixed them into a small bowl.

“A bit of sugar, spice, and everything nice…” I poured out a long line of the stuff across the outdoor table I’d been working at. “Then badda bing badda boom, you got~” Dee looked on in anticipation, a look of excitement in her eyes as I took a long roll of paper and lit the end on fire.

“War crimes!” I yelled as I ignited the powder.

FFFWOOOM!

It burned rapidly, rushing down the line of powder like a fuse. The smoke was thick and heavy, and reeked of rotting eggs.

Just the way I like it.

I looked over and saw Dee was covering her nose with a grimace. “It smells like rotten eggs!”

I just laughed. “Hell yeah it does! Now help me get this place cleaned up. I wanna get drunk tonight.” She smiled and nodded, and we did just that.

Then her mother came out.

“WHAT ON EQUUS HAPPENED TO MY TABLE!?” I just cringed, realizing there was a thick, black line along the table where the powder scarred it.

“Uhhh… whoops?” I just gave her a sheepish grin and she huffed off.

Eh… she’ll get over it.

---

The project was far from finished, though. After all, I still had to get a… proof of concept ready. I had Dee commission the local smith to make a couple of simple parts; A barrel with a flash pan, an S shaped piece of metal which would act as both the trigger and the firing mechanism, and a tool for making lead balls.

It was gonna be a super, super simple matchlock design that even a caveman could operate. The barrel is about 36 inches long and .50 caliber, unrifled with a simple breech plug welded on the back; it even had a couple loops on the bottom for fitting it to a basic stock. Thankfully, the flash pan had a simple cover, though.

The mechanism was dead simple too- the S shaped piece of metal is pinned to the side where it can swivel freely- the trigger being pulled forward by a small coil spring literally nailed to the side. On the top of the S was a little loop which could fit either a piece of matchcord or a lit cigarette- whichever was more convenient. Pulling the trigger brings the burning cord in contact with powder in the pan- then BOOM!

All I had left to do was carve out a basic stock and put it all together.

Easier said than done- I spent the next two months sawing and filing away at a long block of wood to fit the barrel to it.

The end result was… far from pretty. The overall silhouette is based on the Japanese Tanegashima, in the fact that it has a decently sized barrel with no actual stock. That’s where the similarities end, however. The wood was unvarnished, the iron barrel was without a proper finish and held to the stock with three square pins and a bunch of hose clamps for extra stability. It’s very… utilitarian. I called it The Mark 1.

But that was okay- after all, I planned on going to school to learn how to make them better.

Speaking of which- our project was due tomorrow. The way we had it figured, Dee would do the talking and I would deal with the demonstration aspect of it. But right now, I was giving Dee a quick demonstration. I had already put it through rigorous… “rigorous” testing myself, so I had no problems firing it like an actual rifle.

I had a mason jar full of powder and a decent handful of big, heavy balls to use.

Wait. What?

We were just in her back garden- I was just gonna fire into a nearby berm for tonight's demonstration.

“So loading it is simple.” I said, using a beaker to measure out a close enough amount of powder then poured it down the barrel. “After that you take a wad of paper and shove it down, followed by a lead ball.” The ball was just a hair larger than the barrel itself, to make sure it had a good gas seal so there would be plenty of energy behind that ball.

“Then you wanna tamp it down.” I used a long dowel rod to do exactly that, then set it off to the side. “Normally you’d use a matchcord for this next step…” but I couldn’t be bothered to go back inside to get it, so I just stuck a lit cigarette where the matchcord would go- but not before taking a decent drag myself. I grabbed a pinch of powder and sprinkled it into the pan.

“This is gonna get loud.” I took aim towards the berm.

BANG!

I smiled as I felt the recoil of the gun in my hands. The smell of sulfur hung thick in the air and my ears had a hollow-ness from the percussion, along with a faint ringing. I damn near moaned in ecstasy.

“Ohhh, tinnitus my beloved. How I’ve missed you so.” I looked over to see her with her hooves clamped over her ears and her eyes shut.

“That was loud!” she yelled at me, and I laughed.

“Fuck yeah it was!” shit, the whole town probably heard that one. “Imagine that noise going off 1200 times in a minute!” God, I miss my MAC-11; truly, it was a weapon only suited for combat in a phone booth… but fuck me, it was fun.

“I can’t imagine…” she said, almost looking nervous. “Are… are you sure it’s a good idea to… to bring this technology into our world?” I just shrugged.

“Eh, Pandora’s box is open now. And besides- to get to that point is another 100 years or so of firearms development and evolution. I mean, shit- I don’t even know how to make proper fulminates, so percussion caps aren’t even on the table.” She bit her lip and shrugged.

“Eh, it is what it is.” I smiled.

“That’s the spirit!” I went in for a quick kiss before handing my gun off to her butler for cleaning. “Just to clarify… you’ve memorized that list of possible questions and answers I gave you?” She just rolled her eyes at me.

“Yes, I did. I think we’ll do good tomorrow.” I gave her one last goodbye kiss before I headed home- It was getting late and I promised Mamma I would spend time with her tonight, after all.

---

When I got there, Mamma was just sitting on the couch, listening to the radio and reading a book- which she closed upon seeing me.

Wordlessly, I sat on the couch and leaned into her side as she put a wing around my back. I always loved it when she did that- it made me feel safe like nothing else could, even though I’m a little taller than her. Even if I was armed to the teeth, something about Mamma just… made the worlds troubles fuck off for a bit.

“What’s wrong, baby?” she asked me- apparently she saw my facial expression. I sighed.

“It’s just… I’m worried. About tomorrow… about the future… What if no one’s interested in our project?” She just smiled and wrapped her arms around me.

“Sweetie, that girl of yours could sell milk to a cow. You’ll both be fine.” I made no attempts to hide the subject of our project- but I never told her what I was gonna use it for in the long term. We both just sat there in silence for a little while.

“That project of yours… it’s not for hunting, is it?” My eyes shot open and I began to stutter.

“W-well, I-”

“Baby, I’ve known you your whole life. I know damn well you’re not designing an entirely new class of weapon just to hunt squirrels with.” I looked away- I couldn’t bear to face her.

“Baby, look at me. Please.” My beak trembled as I did- and to my surprise, she was smiling. A weary, world-worn smile, but still a smile. “I don’t know what plans you have for the future… and I know damn well I couldn’t stop you if I wanted to, but…” She sniffled.

“I just want you to be safe. Just… Whatever you do, make sure to think long and hard about it.” Tears began to well in her eyes. “I don’t want you rushing in headlong without a plan first.” My beak trembled as I spoke.

“I… I never told you my plans.” And she smirked.

“And I don’t think I want to know, either. But just remember… if you ever think you’re in too deep… It’s never too late to quit.” I just gave her a wavy smile.

“I will, Mamma.” After a few moments she spoke up.

“Let’s head to bed, baby.” I was… a little bummed out. I was enjoying being held by her, really. I trailed up the stairs behind her and turned to go in my room, when-

“And just where are you going?” I just blinked at her, confused.

“I… I’m going to bed?” She rolled her eyes and gestured for me to follow her. I was… okay with that.

“I just wanna hold you… just for tonight, at least.” I smiled and sniffled.

I laid flat on her bed and she put her wing around my back- just like when I was little. It was… hard, trying to not cry tears of joy and nostalgia.

Then she started to sing- and I couldn’t hold back anymore, letting the tears flow softly into the pillow.

You are my sunshine… my only sunshine.
You make me happy… when skies are gray.
You’ll never know, dear, how much I love you.
Please don’t take… my sunshine away.

I just sniffled, barely able to stutter out- “I… I l-love you, Mamma.”

“I love you too, baby. More than the world or anything else.”

As I lay there… I couldn’t help but think about how much I really had in this life, compared to my last. I had a best friend turned lover… I had the chance to get into a good college and further my education, able to become whoever I wanted to be. I had a mother who loved me more than anything else…

I had so much to lose now, but at the same time… I felt an obligation, if nothing else, to step up to the plate- as it were. I felt with my knowledge and strength, I’d easily be able to win the upcoming battle… but…

Baby steps, I guess.

But no matter what happens, no matter what may go wrong… I’m not gonna force Mamma to bury my corpse.

I’ll tell you that for fucking free.

---

The next day, Mamma sent me off with a smile and words of encouragement. I even had a fancy new outfit to wear, courtesy of Miss Rarity.

I was wearing a black frock coat with a capelet and a tall collar, covered in beautiful gold floral designs around the edges and seams. The bottom of the coat had a split in it, making flight easy yet still covering my wings. To top the look off, I was wearing a black, wide brimmed hat with a rounded top and a rose sticking out of it.

I sort of looked like a pirate captain- and I fucking loved the look.

Dee, however, went for a much lighter design. Her dress was a real soft, pretty pink and covered in light blue floral designs which matched her eyes wonderfully. She had a blood red ruffled necktie and she was wearing her namesake on her head.

I honestly loved how we looked standing next to each other- it represented the dichotomy between us perfectly; Dee being the more outgoing and overt one- Whereas my outfit was more subtle and dark in nature. But yet, the red ruffle she was wearing was also a fantastic representation of her more… subtle dark side.

Her butler wheeled a cart behind him with all the supplies we’d need- namely, cinder blocks, powder, balls, and most importantly- the gun.

I brought my crossbow for a sort of… comparison. You’ll see.

All the presentations would be held outside of the school- all over the place were tri-fold boards on card tables detailing the various projects and experiments the others worked on, all flashy and loud to attract as much attention as possible.

We wouldn’t need any of that.

Our setup was simple. Dee had a soapbox to stand on. We had two card tables- one which held a bowl of gunpowder and the other one, which would have a couple cinder blocks on top of it.

We set the target table up a good 30 meters away or so- on the outskirts of the area where a stray bullet was unlikely to clap someone’s cheeks.

That would make for a good demonstration, though- but I’d rather not kill anyone today. I feel like it would hurt our chances of getting into a good college a little.

And of course- we had the Mark 1.

We had about five minutes until the various representatives would start wandering around, asking questions about whatever caught their eye. Even Princess Autism would be there. I loaded the piece and used a cigarette lighter to light the matchcord.

We gave it about ten minutes- that should give everyone enough time to arrive and start wandering. Heck, I even saw a couple griffons around. Once we were ready, I gave Dee a kiss on the cheek.

“Knock ‘em dead, baby.” She stood atop her soapbox and I took aim at a nearby berm.

BANG!

And just like that, the sound of idle chit-chat stopped instantly- and we had their attention.

“Mares and Gentlecolts! We bring you- the future!” The chit-chat started up and everyone started making their way towards us. “If we could have your attention, we’ll show you exactly what that noise was- and exactly why it’s so wonderful!

I began the process of reloading as she continued. “Using a special formula developed by the two of us-” I poured the powder into the barrel, followed by a wad and a ball. “This device is capable of firing a lead ball at such high speed and trajectory, it can punch through even concrete!” There were murmurs from the crowd and looks of skepticism. I just rammed the ball into the barrel and filled the pan with a pinch of powder, closing the cover and setting the gun to the side.

“I know it sounds difficult to believe… so let us show you!” I grabbed my crossbow and took aim. “My partner brought in her crossbow to compare. It’s not a cheap one, either- it’s one that was, and still is, used by the Griffonian army!” I didn’t even look at the crowd, taking aim at one of the cinder blocks.

As expected, the arrow bounced off without doing a whole lot of damage.

It also helps that I dulled the tip, just in case.

I then grabbed my gun and took aim at a different cinder block.

“You may want to cover your ears.” I blew on the matchcord to get it nice and hot and uncovered the flash pan.

BANG!

Just as I expected, the bullet, which I put an extra strong charge behind, easily penetrated the cinder block, causing the top half to shatter into dust. The crowd looked on in excitement, not even minding the smell of rotten eggs which hung thick into the air.

“There you have it, folks! Imagine what it’d do to steel? Versatile, quick to load, powerful! What more could you ever want?” the crowd was murmuring amongst themselves.

“We’ll be taking any questions you might have!” several people spoke up at once- but were then silenced as Twilight made her way through the crowd. She walked up to me, perhaps trying to intimidate- but I was just a little taller than her.

“This device…” she looked stern. “What did you say it was for?” I just smirked at her.

“Hunting.” After a few seconds, she asked,

“Hunting… what, exactly?” My smile grew wider.

“Beasts.” she looked like she was about to ask another, but Dee spoke up.

“We’ll be taking questions all day! Don’t be shy, now!” and the crowd once again started in an uproar. Twilight glared at me.

I just shrugged.

Needless to say- we stole the spotlight off of everyone that day. It was… pretty fucking awesome.

Suds In The Bucket

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In the days following our project, we wasted no time in filing patents and trademarks. After all, I wouldn't want anyone else taking our idea. Honestly, I’m so glad I’m dating a rich girl- her father has all kinds of sway when it comes to things like that. It’s… quite nice, actually.

We really wowed the representatives that day- but there was particular interest from the griffons attending. Many of them being fellow migrants, most of them were overjoyed to see one of their kind making a name for herself.

After talking it over for a while, Dee and I decided we were gonna attend the Fillytonic University in the small city of Aderleth; on the condition that if they had any books in their library called the Necronomicon or anything similar sounding, that she wouldn’t read it.

When she asked why, my response was Don’t worry ‘bout it.

It was a city on the east coast that actually always had a decent sized population of griffons and ponies- and the immigration wave only compounded that fact.

Dee and I had planned to rent an apartment there for ourselves and live together for the school year. One one hand, I was glad to finally have a place all to ourselves… but on the other hand, I was not looking forward to leaving Mamma behind. But still- we had the rest of the summer to deal with that.

I guess deep down, I’d always known I’d have to fly the nest eventually… but it still hurts to think about. I can’t imagine she’s too thrilled about this either.

That’s life, I guess.

The next three months were just spent… relaxing, really. Other than buying supplies and stuff, most of which were paid for by the school anyway, we didn’t really have a lot to do in the meantime. We attended our graduation ceremony, which I thought was a waste of time, but at least Dee seemed happy about it. Mamma also… heavily encouraged me to go as well.

Besides, what else was I gonna do? Sit at home and flick the bean all afternoon?

… You know, that doesn’t sound like a bad idea in retrospect. Oh well.

At least Dee and I got stoned afterwards, so that was nice.

In other news, our still blew up. Dee and I were just chilling on a park bench one afternoon, when a massive BANG was heard from the Whitetail Woods. We just slowly turned to look at each other. I said to her-

“Well… there goes our clubhouse.” She just snorted.

“Maybe it was Scootaloo getting revenge for what we did to hers?” I just chuckled.

“If so, she probably looks like fried chicken right now.” That got a good laugh out of her.

Thankfully, we’d already moved and hid our most recent batch- so we still had a good amount of liquor left.

You know, I never really did get around to making proper flavor infusions. I was gonna see if I could flavor it with anise to make a pseudo-absinthe and jack up the price.

Shame.

This is a bit of a segue, but I realized I haven’t really talked about the current state of the Griffon Confederacy.

Well… it’s still a fucking mess. Last I heard, Vito and Auntie died not too long ago, homelessness is higher than ever, and worst of all, Fertilia’s gone dry.

That’s right- life sucks and people can’t even drown their sorrows in booze anymore. I honestly think that part’s the result of the moral panic I sparked by pretending to be a victim.

Suckers. Still though- there is excellent money to be made in bootlegging. Something to keep in mind, I suppose.

The calls for war are getting louder and louder- and probably would have happened if the Equestrian Crown wasn’t threatening heavy sanctions if we declared war on the mutts. They think we should settle our differences peacefully; well, I think Celestia has a fat ass and has no fucking clue what she’s talking about. The griffons and dogs have been in a bitter stalemate for years at this point. To think things can just get better is fucking delusional.

In time, I’ll show those bastards what for.

Until then? I think I’ll just chill.

Ah, that’s enough of that. Makes my blood pressure spike just thinking about it.

Speaking of griffons and other races in general- Princess Autismo is opening up a “School of Friendship” soon- whatever that entails. It must be the Equestrian equivalent of a Liberal Arts degree or something.

But that’s not the interesting part- what interests me is the fact that I got to see someone I haven’t seen in a looooong ass time.

I could recognize those blue feathers from a mile away.

“GALLUS!?” I yelled. Apparently, he was planning to attend this school of friendship, and decided to move in late summer. I was just walking through town when I happened to stumble across him.

He looked at me confused, cocking an eyebrow.

“Do uh… do I know you?” I blinked- then I realized I was wearing sunglasses. I took them off and his eyes shot open.

“Leona!?” He looked… a little freaked out, for some reason.

“How the hell’ve you been, bud?” I went up and slapped him on the back, causing him to jump.

“I’ve uh… I’ve been good, I guess…” I just snorted.

“You've been raising Hell without me around, huh?” He seemed nervous, for some reason.

“Not… not particularly.” My smile fell. “I’ve uh… I’ve been trying to better myself for a long time, actually.” I just blinked twice then frowned.

“After all I taught ya, you’ve gone on the straight and narrow?” He just snorted at me.

“Oh, and I suppose you’ve been… what? Pawning off cigarettes? Picking pockets?” I rolled my eyes and elbowed his side.

“I haven’t done that shit in years.”

“So then what have you been doing with your life, then?” He stopped, turning around and getting in my face. I scoffed at him.

“I’ve been preparing to take our homeland back from the beasts.” I gave him a smirk. “Unlike you, I haven’t forgotten our roots.” He just rolled his eyes at me and walked off. “Hey, where the fuck you goin’?”

“You’ve got a lotta pride for a nation with nothing to be proud of.” I grit my beak, claws scraping the dirt. I was about to throw hands when suddenly…

I felt a hoof around my back.

“Let it go, baby. He’s not worth it.” I just huffed in annoyance- then sighed in defeat.

“Yeah… yeah, you’re right.” I noticed Dee was giving me a smirk.

“Let's say we go home and… relax.” She began to rub my shoulders and my mood pulled a 180 and we went to her house, locking ourselves in her bedroom.

---

“Oh yeah… keep going… OH! Harder baby, almost there!” You ever have that weird spot that you just cannot reach to scratch no matter what?

For me, it was right above the base of my tail on my lower back- that part cats like when you scratch it. It’s odd how many feline mannerisms and behaviors came with this body.

Dee was using a brush to scratch that spot and I couldn’t help but stick my ass in the air- eventually falling on my side.

“Ah… ohhh, thanks baby.” I gave her a dopey smile and she just giggled.

Man, I love this mare.

---

So yeah, that’s about how the summer went, more or less.

The day that Dee and I were about to get on that train was… difficult. Our bags were packed and stowed away, the train was soon to leave.

“I guess… this is goodbye?” Mamma asked, a glimmer of tears in her eyes. This would be my first time living far away from her… and it just hurt. So fucking much. I just sniffled.

“I-I’ll make sure to write… Don’t ever think I’ll forget about you.” I just put my arms around her and she wrapped me in her wings. I couldn’t cry anymore. We did enough of that last night.

I left her my crossbow, as well. There would be a proper butcher in Aderleth, so I wouldn’t need it.

She pulled back and gave me a kiss on each cheek. “You’re gonna do great things, baby. You make me the proudest Mamma in the world.” I couldn’t help but grin.

“Thanks, Mamma.” She slapped me on the back.

“Now go raise some hell! Preferably before the train leaves.” she chuckled and I heard the whistle- and my eyes widened.

“Oh fuck! Love you Mamma, I’ll write when we get there!” I ran into the car, stopping to wave back at Mamma one more time before making my way to our seat.

I sat next to my darling girlfriend- she was reading a magazine and drinking an iced coffee. I was about to put a wing around her when she stood up.

“Where you going?” I asked. She just looked at me confused.

“To… to use the bathroom? I have to pee.” I just blinked at her.

“Babe… there’s no bathroom on this train.” she tilted her head… then her eyes widened.

She looked at me. Then to her empty cup of coffee. Then back towards the rapidly disappearing train station.

“Oh… fuck.” I started cracking up and she just blushed as she sat back down.

It was bittersweet leaving Ponyville behind. So many good memories there… but, you gotta move on eventually. Who knows what kind of wild shit we'll get up to?

Home Sweet Home

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The train ride to Aderleth went well… aside from my girlfriend almost pissing herself. That soured her mood a little to be sure, but I’m still gonna tease her for it.

I was just hooking myself to a small wagon which held our belongings when she walked out of the bathroom. I just smirked at her.

“Damn girl, were you fryin’ chicken in there?” she blushed and elbowed my side, hard. I just laughed.

“Shush.”

I just smiled at her then smacked her on the butt with a wing. “Lead the way, honey.” she rolled her eyes and I laughed at her expense.

The town we were walking through was like a New England port/ fishing town. The docks were lively with the smell of saltwater and fish, the markets were full of fishermen hawking their goods, and the college was full of scholars and tradesfolk of all varieties. The north side of town was full of, dare I say it, old Yankee style mansions owned by some of the oldest and richest families in the area.

The dockside was full of brick warehouses and train lines which would deliver imported goods and fish all over the country- and the coastline was so beautiful and blue that I couldn’t help but smile.

In fact, I was so distracted taking in the town’s aesthetics that I failed to watch where I was going.

“Oof!” I accidentally knocked some guy over, causing him to spill his books all over the place. He was a unicorn- light blue with a blonde mane and dark blue eyes… or rather, eye. He wore an eyepatch over his right eye- but he didn’t look much older than us, either. His cutie mark was an odd one, too- it was an eyeball overlaid atop shadowy tendrils surrounding it.

“Woah, sorry, bud!” I quickly bent down to help him recollect his books.

“Ah, appreciate it, Miss!” he spoke in a faint English accent which wasn’t too grating on the ears, thankfully. I just shrugged him off.

“Eh, no big deal. I wasn’t paying attention, it was my fault.” I couldn’t help but notice all the books he was carrying. “Say, you wouldn’t happen to be attending the college, too?”

“Oh, yes I am, actually! I take it that’s what you’re here for?” He had an overall friendly disposition about him. Dee spoke up and said,

“Yeah! My marefriend and I are gonna be attending for the next few years or so, actually!” I just snorted.

“Do I look like a mare to you?” she elbowed my side once again. “What? Tell me I’m wrong.” eyepatch guy gave us a good laugh for that one.

“Anyways, my name’s Leona. Her name’s Diamond Tiara.” I held out a hand. “Nice to meet you, pal!” He shook my hand with a smile.

“Mind’s Eye. A pleasure to meet you both!” That name’s a mouthful.

“How about I call you Emmie instead?” he just cocked an eyebrow at me. “You know, because your initials are M and E.”

“Do I… Do I have a say in the matter?”

“Nope.” After a few moments he chuckled and shrugged.

“Eh, far from the worst thing I’ve ever been called.”

“That’s the spirit!” I gave him a wide grin and a slap on the shoulder. Dee just rolled her eyes.

“Tell you what, I could show the two of you around town if you like?” I was about to open my mouth to respond, but Dee beat me to the punch.

“Oh, we’d love to!” I mean, shit, what else was I gonna do? Sit at the apartment and ~~masturbate~~ meditate?

And besides, I kinda like this guy.

“Throw your books on the cart. Let’s walk and talk.”

And we did just that. Honestly, I really liked this guy. He said he’s attending the college mainly for archaeology, history, and occult research- but he would also be attending chemistry with me as well.

He looked at me and asked-

“So, you’re attending chemistry, smithing and woodworking?”

“Hell yeah I am! And Dee over here is going to learn about business management, marketing, and a little bit of history on the side.” He blinked his eye at us and asked,

“Wait… you wouldn’t happen to be the ones who invented that… thunderpipe the professors were going on about?”

“Damn right! Wanna see it?” I asked, pulling the Mark 1 out from the cart. “And for the record, it’s called a gun.”

“Mind if I-” I nodded and he took it in his magic, examining it. Then he turned it to look down the barrel.

“NO-NO DON’T DO THAT!” I ripped it out of his magical grasp and he damn near jumped. “Always treat a gun as if it were loaded. If this were to go off somehow… well, they’ll be scraping your brains and your one good eye off the nearby wall.” I was… fairly certain it was unloaded- but it’s not like I could do a quick chamber check, now could I?

“O-oh, uh, my apologies.” He looked flustered and I just laughed.

“Eh, fuhgeddaboudit.” I set the Mark 1 back in the wagon. “Anyways, what’ve the professors been saying about it?”

“Well, a lot of the excitement is coming from the griffon professors. Many of them were forced to leave their homeland, so… I can imagine some of them are still a bit bitter, if you catch my meaning.” I snorted.

“Fuck, you’re telling me.” I clicked my tongue and asked- “What’s your opinion on the dogs, anyway?”

He cocked an eyebrow and asked, “You mean the diamond dogs? Or dogs in general?”

“Both, I suppose.” I said with a shrug. He bit his lip and thought for a minute.

“Well… As for regular dogs, I’ve never really been a fan. I’ve always been more of a cat person.” A smirk appeared on my face. “And as for the Diamond Dog situation… Well, I don’t agree with what they’re doing. They’re basically willing to let an entire nation collapse because they felt they got a mediocre deal.”

I slapped him on the back with a wing. “You and I are gonna be good pals, I can tell you that much.” He smiled in response.

“Glad to hear it.”

The rest of the trip was spent bullshitting with each other, but I did have to make a stop at the butcher shop on the way. Emmie parted ways not long after that- but promised we’d probably be seeing each other soon enough. It was getting late, anyway.

I was munching on a stick of pepperoni when we pulled up to the apartment. On a side note- being able to buy meat on the regular is something I planned on taking full advantage of.

And the apartment we were gonna be living in… well, to call it an apartment would be an understatement. See, we let her father pick the place out. Dee trusted his judgement and he fuckin delivered, lemme tell ya.

It was a two story house, basically. It had a front porch and the front door led to a hallway with a staircase. To the left was the living room. To the right was the dining room, with a decent sized kitchen attached. Down the hallway was the bathroom. Going up the stairs and facing forward you’ll find a large office room, with the master bedroom to the left. When you go right, you’ll come across the semi-open smoking balcony.

The house came pre-furnished and the pantry and fridge were well stocked with everything except meat and liquor. We wasted no time unpacking, leaving all our books and stuff in the upstairs office, along with my gunpowder and saltpeter supply. Our clothes, for when we did wear them, were sequestered into drawers and the closet.

This house… is fuckin sweet.

---

After a few months, the school year was in full swing- and I’d already made several improvements to my designs. In fact, talking to the griffon professors has been fantastic, as some of them were soldiers in the past.

In terms of overall ergonomics, I’ve found that pistols would likely be the most practical for combat. Anything that requires two-hands to use gives you a disadvantage by default- since we’re quadrupeds, that almost completely limits one of our planes of movement. So as a result, the majority of griffons throughout history have preferred to use one handed swords with either a buckler or completely forgoing the shield.

There are some historical exceptions, however- I remember one time when I could’ve sworn I read about a griffon warrior who wielded a greatsword made from a black dragon's scale and flew into battle carrying a unicorn on his back- but that might have also been a made up fever dream from when I caught the bird flu. Apparently, weapons like that are far more practical mid-flight.

As for things like crossbows- rather than a proper stock which you would shoulder, most crossbows are either stockless or have a long piece on the back, which you could tuck under your arm for stability.

As a result- the tanegashima form factor I already made would potentially be quite practical. The other thing I wanted to try my hand at was an arquebus type rifle with one of the “stick stocks,” as I’ve begun to call them.

Although first and foremost, I want to make a proper rifling machine before I even attempt to design a rifle. After all, they would be quite cumbersome and difficult for a griffon to handle and load, so I would want to ensure that the accuracy will be good enough to make up for it. I’m thinking of making it a proper .69 caliber, firing a sort of minie ball. I know the E is supposed to have an accent above it- but I don’t care.

The pistols, however, are where I would be putting the most thought into.

I’m still planning on using a flintlock mechanism for them- but I’m also planning on using rifled barrels for them as well.

I can imagine you’d have an army fielded with rifles firing volleys at the enemy from range- and whenever they get close, engage them with your sword. Someone tries to sneak up and gang up on you- whip out the handcannon with your offhand and blast them away! OH, OH! BAYONETS! Gotta have bayonets- that way you can have a rifle and a spear! Triangular shaped, of course- wouldn’t want our enemies stitching themselves shut, now would we?

Speaking of melee- Emmie convinced me to join the after school sparring classes with him. While I don’t claim to be anywhere near an expert with melee weapons- unless you count an icepick- it turns out, I’m pretty decent with a cutlass.

Not only that, but dueling with ponies, unicorns in particular, has much more nuance than I initially thought. The one fighting method all ponies share is mouthguard fighting. Basically, the pony wears a specialized mouthguard to protect their teeth, and uses their head and upper body to swing their sword. It’s surprisingly versatile, too- pony necks are much more flexible than you’d think.

It does have its disadvantages, though- First problem is dampening communication. After all- it’s hard to speak with your mouth full. The second problem is lack of thrusting capability. And the third? Well, a hard enough strike could easily break their teeth and jaw- so not ideal. This method is really only good for close quarters combat in tight spaces, or as a last ditch effort.

Generally, this is the pegasi’s method of fighting- but the pegasi have the advantage of flight and nimbleness, much like the griffons. They also often will mount spears to their side, tucked beneath their wings, or drop heavy flechettes on their enemies heads. They’re essentially bombers and scouting troops- and they can also affect the weather. I’ve read of pegasi army’s moving lightning storms over their enemies heads, flooding the battlefield, or creating fucking tornadoes to fight their enemies.

Griffons can also do that, to a lesser extent, though. But generally, we let the weather do its own thing, except in sensitive farming communities where the weather could make or break the populace.

Earth ponies on the other hand, rely much on their hooves to inflict damage. Even weak ones have much, much stronger muscles than the other races- remember when Dee was literally kicking trees to make the apples fall? Imagine if she continued to develop her muscles and strength? How firm and well toned her flanks would be?

…

Unf. If I had proper lips, I’d be biting them.

Where was I… ah, yes. That’s why in terms of weaponry, earth ponies tend to use forms of caesti or reinforced gauntlets to fight. I’m sure that, if ol’ Big Mac wanted, he could probably uproot a tree with a kick. Imagine what he’d do to someone’s skull? BONK!

And unicorns, unsurprisingly, often take advantage of their magic. Thankfully though, few unicorns are actually proficient in combat magic apart from the basic stuff- so your run-of-the-mill unicorn warrior will typically hone their telekinesis and can use it for either melee or ranged fighting with crossbows.

Initially I thought that fighting against a unicorn would be an unwinnable fight- but I was wrong. It’s quite hard for a unicorn to focus on finely controlling multiple objects at once, so my theory of them jamming a dagger into your back while you’re focused on their front is… well it could happen, but it’s rare.

Their telekinesis, while quite precise and agile, has a distinct disadvantage; A well placed hit against their sword will essentially knock it out of their grasp, leaving them wide open for a counter attack.

And as for the dogs? Well, their fighting style varies between the clans. Some prefer melee, some prefer ranged, and some prefer to just bury themselves and hide. But one thing is shared among them all- their stature. While they can stand bipedally, the large majority of them are knuckle walkers, and that translates into their fighting style. Their legs are quite weak- so being able to stand up and charge like a human is… possible, but impractical.

They’re still quite versatile fighters, especially when you consider that they can easily turn the battlefield itself against you. I have a few ideas for ensuring victory, though.

Phase one- is a secret. But the idea is to flush them out and make them experience terror and heavy losses before they even think to dig up. Once they’re out of their holes, I’ll have a company of soldiers begin firing volleys from an advantageous position on the emerging beasts.

After that? Charge! Emerge from the gunsmoke like demons! Break their will, show them no mercy! Round them up, look into their eyes, they beg for their lives!

KILLING GROUND!

Wait. What?

But anyways.

I, personally, have mostly been doing well. It’s been… difficult, knowing how far away I am from Mamma. It… it hurts, to be honest. She was always there for me- when I needed company, morally sound advice…

I remember one time, I came down with a real bad case of bird flu. She took a week off of work just to help nurse me back to health. It would’ve healed on its own- but I like to think Mamma made it go away faster. She would sing to me, provide me company, make my meals… all for my sake. I feel undeserving of it all and when I expressed that sentiment to her, she told me to shut my beak.

Fair.

It’s just… I feel like I owe her the world, but she insists that I don’t owe her a thing. But- I suppose that the best I can do is just keep writing back and forth with her.

In fact, I recently sent her a “care package” of a variety of cured meats and other assorted goodies for her birthday. You know- stuff that wouldn’t go bad in transit. It’s the least I could do.

But thankfully- I have the best mare in the world at my side here. She knows how hard it’s been for me to be away from Mamma for so long, so she’s really made sure to be there for me when I needed her and helped me get through many of the difficult early nights.

One time she jokingly called me a “Mamma’s filly” and you know what my response was? I said Fuck yeah I am! And don’t you forget it!

I honestly feel kind of bad for her- her mother’s always been a cunt, and her father, though he loves her with all his heart, has always been distant because of work. It’s… a shame, really.

But, as long as we’re here for each other, I believe we can make the world our bitch!

“Baaabe!” I heard my darling whine from behind me- “When are you coming to bed?” I looked up from the desk I’d been writing at- My glass of whiskey on the rocks has long since melted, and it was pretty dark outside.

“Huh… I guess I’ve been at it for a while.” I quickly slammed back the glass of watered down whiskey and shut my journal.

I followed her into the room, and I wasted no time hopping on the bed. She turned out the lights and joined me, and I grabbed her and pulled her into my body. She made for an excellent little spoon. Her mane was soft, and smelled like strawberries, too.

“I love you, baby.”

“I love you too, sweetie.”

Poison Curse

View Online

A few years had passed- and already, I’d made leaps and strides in advancing the technology of firearms.

I was finishing my latest piece right now, actually. I’d converted the cellar of our apartment into a sort of workshop where I did stuff that I could manage without the college's forges or other equipment.

All I had left to do was carve out the inside of the grip a little and it’ll be as simple as putting it together.

It was a pistol- double barreled, 6 inches each with a flintlock mechanism on each side. Firing .45 caliber minie balls from a rifled barrel and a rich, charcoal blued finish. I decided to go for a Spanish miquelet lock style for this design- as a lot of the springs and sears were external, it left plenty of room inside for the trigger mechanism to function without making the form factor suffer from it. The grip itself was a beautifully dark, rich mahogany color. Rather than using brass, the buttplate was reinforced with iron, as well as the band which held the barrel in place. The ramrod nestled comfortably just below the twin barrels as well.

Not only was it rugged, it was accurate and powerful- and my fourth one so far.

That’s right- I had four of these things, giving me a total of eight shots to work with. I even made several pre-rolled paper cartridges, greased to waterproof them and with measured amounts of powder for faster reloading. There was one more feature that they all shared- which is a small switch located on the grip. You’ll find out what it does soon enough.

You may be wondering why I needed all this firepower?

Well, you see… I may have picked up an old hobby of mine to make a little extra money on the side.

You know. Hunting.

I wore a double-crossed baldric which held my pistols holstered across my chest. They were in a diagonal pattern for easy access, with two accessible by my left hand and two accessible by my right. The holsters were specially made, too. For safety purposes, I always carried my pistols at half cock- but the holsters were tightened so well, that I just had to push them a little deeper to bring them to full cock so I could easily draw them and have them ready to fire, all with one hand.

Holstered to my left side was my cutlass, and tucked beneath my arm was that old dagger I bought all those years ago.

Money well spent.

I also had my frock coat modified to better suit my purposes. In the spots where the front would normally button up to cover my chest, were instead several paper cartridges, dangling on strings. All I needed was to rip them off when necessary- saving me from having to bite the ends off as well as saving precious seconds.

Just in case.

Instead, the coat was secured to me with a collar- around which I wore my capelet, with a hood sewn on instead of wearing that wide brimmed hat.

And finally, there were my tools. First and foremost, I always kept my priming powder flask near my front- it had a little button, and it would dispense the perfect amount of powder every time. I also carried saddlebags which held other things- maps, compasses, binoculars, basic medical supplies, cigarettes… and a heavy sack and hacksaw.

All the bare necessities for a good hunt.

I finished assembling my piece and nodded. I screwed in a piece of flint to test it.

Click! Click!

The two flintlock mechanisms sparked the frizzens effortlessly. I nodded in satisfaction and checked the time.

“Oh, just in time!” I went upstairs and set my piece next to the rest of my gear- then I grabbed the duffel bag which held all my sparring gear. I was still taking those swordfighting lessons, and not only was it fun as fuck, it’s also a good skill to learn.

---

Eventually, I arrived at the college gym where we practiced fighting, among other things.

“Ayyy, Emmie! What’s happenin’, man?” I greeted one of my best pals from the college with a casual hug. “You been pullin’ hella mares, lately?” I asked with a smirk, and he rolled his eye at me.

“How many times have I told you that I prefer stallions?” He asked with a smile, and I shrugged. “And speaking of which…” A heavyweight, black furred and purple maned, well muscled earth pony came up and nuzzled his neck. I clicked my tongue a few times.

“Your name is… Heavyweight, isn’t it?” He nodded with a smirk. “I’ve seen you at the docks before- you’re one of those pit fighters, huh?” I think he might have been a mute- or maybe he doesn’t like to talk much. I punched him in the shoulder with a smirk- “I saw how hard you pounded that earth pony’s face in the ring the other day. I bet you’ve been doing the same to Emmie’s cheeks over here, huh?” My friend sputtered and blushed- Heavyweight and I shared a hearty laugh at his expense.

Heh. He’s such a bottom. It was cute, to be honest.

“Anyways… I invited him here to watch today’s match.” He smiled and kissed his coltfriend on the cheek- and the big one actually blushed a little. I blinked twice in confusion… then remembered what he meant.

“Oh yeah! Not even gonna lie, I completely forgot.” I looked around momentarily, “No wonder this place is so busy.” And it really was- there were ponies and griffons everywhere. Speaking of which…

“Hey, have either of you seen Dee around?” They glanced at each other and pointed over my shoulder. I turned around and smiled. “There she is!” I went in for a hug and a kiss.

“Hey honey! You gonna kick their asses today?” I gave her a smile.

“Damn right I am.” Emmie just snorted at me.

“We shall see about that.” I shook his hoof with a smile.

It was time to get ready.

My gear was a simple metal helmet which covered most of my head, and a gauntlet which protected my offhand fingers. Our cutlasses were made of wood, with metal cores to simulate weight- heavy enough to hurt, but not really enough to kill. You could probably crack someone’s skull with it- but that’s what the helmet was designed to prevent. The fighting emphasized movement and agility, so weighing us down with thick padding would be counterintuitive.

We would be fighting in a leaderboard based competition where the winner of the last round would get to move onto the next, and eventually it would converge until there were just two of us left. To win, you simply have to get your opponent into a position in which death or injury would be certain in an actual fight.

Some rounds were dead simple, and over basically the moment that the announcer rang the bell. I will admit- I did have a couple close calls, but managed to still emerge the victor. Towards the end, I was covered in sweat and slamming back water to try and keep up.

And when it was finally time for the championship round- who else but Emmie? He was in a similar state as I, with his fur matted down with sweat. Our partners were cheering us on as we walked up to the edges of the arena.

We looked at each other with a grin.

“Just because I’m your best pal, I don’t want any mercy.” I said with a smirk. “And I won’t give any in return, either.” He snorted.

“Likewise, good friend.” the announcer finally spoke up.

“Mares and gentlestallions! From this final round, a champion will be crowned… and the winner will receive-” I couldn’t help but whistle as a pony rolled out a table with an incredibly ornate cutlass on display- black metal with golden inlays. I wouldn’t bring it to a fight- but I’d love to hang that over my mantle.

“Courtesy of the smithing classes! One one side of the ring, we have our best unicorn fighter- Blindeye!” The crowd cheered in response, and he spread his arms to bask in the glory. Talk shit about his eyepatch all you want- but that guy owns it.

“And challenging him for the throne- hailing from the heart of Fertilia herself… the High Lord Executioner!” I cracked my knuckles with a wicked grin. See, they let us choose what we wanted to be known as- and I couldn’t help but pick that name.

The room we were in was quite tall- so I had a decent amount of space for flight, if it were necessary.

“Begin!” I heard the bell and cautiously moved in, cutlass in a defensive position. He did the same thing, his sword floating in front of him similarly.

We approached each other slowly- after all, there was no time limit. Why rush?

Grinning at each other, we were each daring the other to try and lay the first strike. I snorted.

“What, are you scared or somethin’?” He giggled.

“You throw quite a lot of rocks… for somepony living in a glass house.” Oh, it is ON!

I swung my sword which he parried with a loud clack! He tried to retaliate with a sideswipe, but I twisted my sword just in time to block it. He went in for a stab and I jumped backwards, going in for the counter-stab. He dodged to my left and tried to swing at my side, but I rolled under it, after which I jumped in the air and used my wings to turn me around to block another swing.

We both took a step back… and with a crow-like screech I rolled past his side, trying to get a good hit in, but once again, he parried my swipe and retaliated with his own.

I backstepped and went in for a lunge which he jumped over- meaning that he was now above me! Thinking quickly, I rolled forward and narrowly dodged his sword, using my momentum to roll back onto my feet and blocked another swipe aimed for my back.

He huffed, scraping the ground with a hoof and I growled menacingly. This is getting tiresome.

Then I smirked. I went in for a diagonal swipe from my left and he raised his sword to block it- but I stopped before my attack got too far. He fell for it! Swiftly, I moved my sword and swung it in a wide, heavy arc, hitting the hilt of his sword and knocking it out of his grasp with a CLACK!

The bell rang- and I was the victor! Emmie gave me a smile.

“Good work, friend! That was quite the sporting battle.” I went up and gave him a hug as the crowd cheered me on.

“I won’t even lie, you gave me a run for my money there.” The announcer, however, interrupted our conversation.

“Mares and Gentlestallions! Give it up for the High Lord Executioner!” My girlfriend ran up to me and gave me a hug from behind, and Emmie’s partner did much the same to him.

I was presented with my prize and slowly the crowd began to disperse- and eventually, we parted ways… but not for long.

“Meet ya’s at the bar in a bit?” we all nodded and split up. I gave Dee a kiss on the cheek, “I’ll meet up soon! Just gotta shower first.”

---

The pub was quite busy tonight, it seems. And since I turned 21 a couple weeks ago- I could finally buy my own booze and cigarettes! It was… quite nice.

“Ah, there she is!” I heard my buddy yelling from a booth. I wasted no time in joining them- sitting next to my lover, with Emmie and his boyfriend across from us. “Thought you’d gotten lost!”

I rolled my eyes, putting a wing around Dee. “Oy, waitress!” I yelled, “Can I get a whiskey on the rocks over here?” She smiled and nodded at me- presumably, going to fetch my liquor.

“So anyways… How've you been?” Emmie asked me, “I haven’t seen much of you since school let out for summer break.” I just shrugged.

“Eh, same old same old. I’m still going out hunting every now and then, and in fact I planned on taking another trip tomorrow.” I said with a smirk. “I finished another piece today and I wanna christen her properly.” He just chuckled in response. Honestly, I was quite surprised as to how indifferent he was about the whole thing. He says those guys probably deserve it- and if it’s not me, it’ll just be someone else bringing them to justice.

“I heard rumors, recently…” I started, and he tilted his head. “About there being some weird discovery a little ways west from here?” He nodded.

“I’m not supposed to discuss this, but…” He leaned in, “Absolutely, and the archaeology… and to a lesser extent, the occult studies departments have been going wild over it. They say it’s some ancient griffon ruins- from before the pony migrations!” That… gave me pause.

“What the hell were griffons doing all the way over here back then?” The waitress handed me my drink and I took a swig.

“That’s the crazy part! We don’t know yet! These ruins are the first of their kind… possibly ever discovered in Equestria!” Plenty of ancient griffon burial grounds existed in this land… but none are anywhere near that old. “Right now we have some surveyors scouting the place out, and hopefully the entirety of the archaeology department will be in on it soon!” I can see the sparkle in his eye- he was quite passionate about this stuff.

“Must be a dream come true, huh?” He nodded with a smile.

Dee spoke up next. “You don’t think there’s any… things patrolling the place, do you?” Emmie just shrugged.

“I mean, it’s always possible, but unlikely in this case. Undead guardians are pretty common in pony ruins, but almost completely unheard of in griffon ruins.” He shrugged, “Of course, there’s always exceptions- usually explained by the presence of unicorns about the place.” I put my wing around Dee.

“Don’t worry babe, I’ll protect you from the scawy zombies!” She rolled her eyes and elbowed my side with a smile. I gave her a mock snort. “Huh, this is the thanks I get for wanting to protect the love of my life? Say it ain’t so!” We leaned in for a quick kiss.

“I suppose you guys wanna hear all about the stuff going on in the business department, huh?” She said with a snort, “We recently learned how to properly take a three martini lunch.” We gave her a good laugh for that one.

“Come on, honey. Just because your work isn’t as exciting, doesn’t make it any less important.” She gave a shrug.

“Eh, I enjoy it, personally.”

“To each their own, I say.” I said, raising my glass to take a drink.

“You can go on your little adventures all you want,” Dee said as she took a sip of her wine, “as long as you come home in one piece. I’m perfectly content with staying behind the scenes.” And of course, hearing all the details of my… work. I gave her a kiss on the cheek.

Emmie nuzzled up against his man, and I had to ask.

“So, how did you two get together? If it’s not too personal, that is.”

“Well, we actually met here! I took my seat at the bar and he sat next to me. I was… a little intimidated at first. I was just sipping my gin and tonic while he was hammering back shots.” Heavyweight giggled. “Finally I joked about there being blood in his alcohol stream… and we kicked it off not long after that. Then we did it again the next day. Then the next. Then the next.”

I gave him a wide grin- I was honestly proud of my boy here. “Eventually, I popped the question… and we’ve been dating since.” I raised up an arm to give him a fist/hoof bump.

“My man!” I looked over to Heavyweight- “And you better be treating my pal right, ya hear?” I pointed at him with a smirk and he laughed.

“Aww, come on, Leona!” Emmie said, cuddling up to his side. “He’s just a big ol’ teddy bear.” I just snorted.

“Yeah- one that could crush your skull between his thighs like a grape.” he blushed and we all laughed at his expense.

To my shock, Heavyweight spoke up. “Well, working at the docks all day… you’ll build up quite a lot of muscle.” He spoke surprisingly eloquently for what I presumed to be a rough-and-tumble laborer. “Heck- I’m willing to bet that I could lift both you and my wonderful coltfriend here.” I gave him a wide grin.

“Tell you what, bud, I got a better idea.” He cocked an eyebrow. “You may be strong… but I bet I can outdrink ya’.” He blinked at me… then his face grew into a devious grin.

“You’re on, feathers.” I whistled.

“Oi, waitress! Can we get a couple shot glasses and a bottle of your strongest liquor over here?” She seemed taken aback, but presumably retreated to fetch the goods.

“What’s the winner get?” he asked me, and I shrugged.

“Personal satisfaction.” He gave me a wide grin.

“Good enough for me.”

He swapped seats with Emmie so we were directly across from each other. The waitress brought out two shot glasses and a bottle of-

“Absinthe, huh?” I popped the cork and took a whiff- and cringed fiercely. “Woah-ho-ho!” I poured out two shots.

“Ready when you are, tough guy.” wordlessly, he slammed back the shot and I followed suit. Holy fuck that burns! I sucked in air through my nose, and noted the pleasant licorice aftertaste.

Just then, Dee leaned across the table and said to Emmie, “I feel like we’re gonna regret letting this happen.”

I just laughed.

---

I awoke the next day in bed with a pounding headache and a dry mouth. I don’t know who won last night- but realistically, the answer was fucking no one. Dee was still next to me, fast asleep- it was early morning, and I really needed a piss.

I stumbled out of the bedroom and nearly fell down the stairs on the way to the bathroom.

That done, I examined myself in the mirror… and came to the conclusion I looked about as good as I felt. I managed to feel my way towards the kitchen, grabbing our blender out of the cupboard. This… was gonna take drastic measures.

I poured in a bit of pickle juice, then threw in a couple pickles. A splash of vodka. Cracked black pepper. Lemon juice. And sauerkraut, right from the jar. I then signed the cross and prayed that the sound of my blender wouldn’t kill me on the spot.

After suffering for 7 seconds, which felt like an eternity, I poured myself a glass of this witch's concoction. I don’t know why it’s so good for a hangover- but I powered it into my throat regardless.

After a couple good forkfulls of sauerkraut, I stumbled into the livingroom and passed the fuck out onto the couch.

“I can’t believe how much I hate everything.”

---

I woke up at noon, feeling considerably better, with a blanket wrapped around me. I found a note on the coffee table from Dee- she says she decided to go shopping, and wished me luck if I decided to go hunting today.

After a quick shower, I immediately got ready- Strapping on my baldric and holstering three of my four pistols. I still had to load the last one, which I did lovingly.

I used a measure to pour just the right amount of powder into the barrel, then added the “ball” and a paper wad to keep it in the barrel. Ramming it tight, I primed both pans and set it to half cock, throwing it into one of my left holsters.

I strapped my dagger to my arm and holstered the sword at my side. I grabbed my bag, threw on my frock coat, and clipped on my capelet and hood.

I made my way to the guard station wordlessly, the bell ringing as I walked in. Wordlessly, I made my way to the pinboard and grabbed a poster.

A runaway griffon pirate, named Obed- his crew was captured and he’s been on the run since. His main distinguishing feature was his shattered beak, for which he used a wooden prosthetic instead.

“Last known whereabouts for that one were somewhere to the north. We don’t have much else to go off of.” The guard answered my question before I could even ask it. He knew the drill by now. I simply nodded, wordlessly heading out the door.

Already, I had a few potential ideas. Flying low along the shoreline, I was keeping an eye out for any caves or signs of activity. If I had to guess, he’d probably be living near the shore, where he could catch fish to sustain himself. Meanwhile, drippings which filter from the top of a cave should provide a supply of… relatively safe drinking water.

After a few hours of searching I believed I had found what I was looking for. Slightly recessed in a cave which would be practically invisible if you were above it, was a griffon roasting a fish over a fire. He hadn’t noticed me, yet- and I used my binoculars to take a closer look.

Wooden beak. Bingo. I landed behind him casually and he nearly jumped out of his skin.

“Pardon me, Mister. You wouldn’t happen to know about any runaway pirates, would you?” I asked with a smirk.

Wordlessly, he growled and pulled out his cutlass, charging in just a bit faster than I anticipated.

“Ohhh, I love it when they fight back!” I barely had time to pull my own cutlass out and block his attack. He was quite skilled, too- and fast.

But I wasn’t fighting for sport today. I blocked a few more swipes, our cutlasses making light Clink sounds.

Then he went for a thrust, which I dodged by doing a backflip into the air. Quickly, I reached for my new pistol and clicked the… funny switch. Using my holster to cock it all the way, I drew it just as I reached the crest of my jump. Time seemed to move in slow motion as I lined up the shot and he ran in for another swipe.

BA-BANG!

The recoil was wonderfully intense. He stopped dead in his tracks with two quarter sized holes in his chest. His feathers were smoldering from the unburnt powder, indicating just how close I actually was when I pulled the trigger. He dropped his sword and tried to form words- but whatever he was trying to say just came out as pained gurgling.

Slowly, he fell to his side, blood leaking from his wooden beak as he uselessly clutched his chest.

He looked up at me, a look of terror and hate in his eyes as I lit up a cigarette. “Cheer up, man. Maybe you’ll have better luck in the next life.” I used my cutlass to sever his spinal cord, killing him instantly.

Then I looked over to the still cooking fish and smiled. “Just in time for dinner, too!” Thankfully, I always carried salt with me, just in case.

---

Thankfully, I’d invested in a more… hydrophobic bag, so I wasn’t drenched in blood from it leaking through. I simply washed my hands off in the seawater.

The police station door opened with a ding. The officer on duty barely even glanced over his magazine.

“Hello, Leona. I assume you’re not just stopping in to say hi, are you?” He set his magazine down and I handed him the poster.

He was a unicorn- so he simply levitated the head out of the bag, smiling as he examined it. Then he put it back and tied the bag back up, and began writing out my check.

“I don’t know how you do it, Leona… but the Equestrian Crown thanks you for your service.” I just shrugged.

“Eh, no big deal. I just got lucky today- he just so happened to be in the first place I looked.” the guard snorted with a smirk.

“Whatever the case… enjoy your prize.”

I took my check down to the bank to cash it- but I also had to make a withdrawal. I had something that I’ve been… putting money aside for awhile now.

Bag of money in hand, I made my way to… well, it’s a surprise. You’ll see, soon enough.

---

“Dee! I’m home!” I yelled through the house, finding my lover reading a book in the living room. She gave me a warm smile, and I nuzzled her cheek. “I got us dinner reservations tonight!” Her eyes widened.

“Oh? Where at?” I just gave her a smirk.

“You’ll see. First things first, I gotta get a shower.” Thankfully, my frock coat could easily be turned back to its original state- and I even got it washed before I got home.

Once I was all cleaned up, I put on my good clothes- but also kept one of my pistols in a regular holster, concealed under the coat. I refused to go the way of Batman's parents, I’ll tell you that for free. I even grabbed that wide brimmed hat with the rounded top.

Dee was also wearing a beautiful dress- that same one she wore when we were presenting that project.

Why? Well, because she looked damn good in it.

The restaurant we were eating at was a real high end joint. One of the oldest in the city, too- it was originally founded by a pony/griffon couple, and features both pony and griffon delicacies. The waiter led us to our seats and gave us a few moments to order.

That all said and done, that just left the two of us. A soft piano played in the background and the wine was…

Well, I never was a wine gal, but Dee seems to like it. I’ll take a whiskey any day of the week.

“So I have to ask… what’s the occasion?” She asked, and I just gave her a chuckle in response.

“Well, I figured, since our three year anniversary is coming soon… I thought I’d do something nice.” She giggled and said,

“You really didn’t have to, you know.” I grinned and said,

“But I wanted to!” she was unable to argue with my flawless logic, so we just… chatted for the next while. I don’t even remember what it was about- I was just enjoying being with her.

Our dinner was wonderful, as well- She ordered pasta shells, stuffed with several different herbs and cheeses with a tomato sauce atop… and I ordered the same thing, but with meat instead of cheese.

You literally cannot go wrong with Fertilian (Italian) food. Just to think- if she and I wind up taking over, we’ll be able to eat like this every day!

Baby steps, though.

And after dinner, we just… walked and talked for a bit. Eventually, I took her to a spot near the shoreline that I picked out. The moonlight shimmered across the open ocean, and far in the distance, a large reef with an odd rock formation could be seen.

“I had a wonderful time tonight.” she gave me an adorable smile and I nodded in response. It’s about to get a whole lot better.

“You know… we’ve been together, what, three years now?” She cocked an eyebrow as I got up from the rock we were sitting on. “And you know, I’ve enjoyed our time together. You get me in a way no one else really can.” I glanced to the side.

I was feeling nervous as all hell.

“I love you. I guess what I’m trying to ask is…” I reached into my coat and produced a small wooden box. “Diamond Tiara… I want you by my side, come hell or high water.” I looked up and her eyes were as wide as dinner plates, both hooves covering her mouth. I smiled and clicked the button on the front, causing the box to pop open.

Inside the velvet lined box was a custom made amulet. It was pure silver, decorated with gold inlays. There was a sky blue gem in the center which matched her eyes wonderfully- surrounded by a wreath of feathers, and with a design resembling her cutie mark at the top.

“I guess what I’m asking is… will you marry me?” After a few seconds of painstaking silence, I began to worry… until she started nodding her head, as if to snap her out of a trance.

“I… y-yes. Yes, yes!” she launched forward and wrapped her arms around me, and I did the same with my wings. “Yes!”

I couldn’t help but cry tears of joy, and neither could she. The whole situation felt cheesy as all hell… but I loved it so, so much.

Memories like this… they’re the kind you cherish your whole life, you know?

At first, I thought this night couldn’t get any better… but fuck me, it did.

Oh Lord how it got better.

We were both walking home- Dee was wearing her new amulet and we both had these stupid, silly grins on our faces. I had my wing wrapped around her as we walked side by side.

Then, a shadowy figure appeared from the alleyway in front of us.

“You!” He was wielding a glass shard, the “handle” was wrapped in scrap cloth. Dee froze up- but I just scoffed.

“Amateur move, bud. You’d have gotten much better results if you just waited until we passed the alleyway.” He growled at me.

“You killed my brother! Now I’m gonna-”

BANG!

As he was about to start his monologue, I whipped out my pistol and shot him in the chest.

“Mistake number two- never start your speech until your target is on the ground dying.” The smell of sulfur hung in the air- the flesh around the bullet hole was singed from the burning gunpowder. I looked over to my beloved with a smile- and saw that she was red faced, biting her hoof to try and concentrate.

“You enjoying the show, honey?” After a few seconds, she nodded slowly.

“Hrrrgh… you… you sick fuck!” He clutched his wound to try and stop the bleeding- evidently, he noticed how turned on my future wife was getting. I smiled, deciding to have a little fun.

“You know, Dee… maybe I should put this poor bastard out of his misery.” I held my pistol to his temple and his pupils shrank. I looked down at him. “What you think?”

He began to tremble fiercely, shaking his head.

“Hmm? What was that? I can’t hear you. Let me ask again- do you want to die tonight?” tears rolled down his face.

“N-no! I don’t want to die!” I gave him a wicked grin, pressing the gun to his temple even harder.

“Beg! Beg, little man!” He was sobbing on the ground by now- it was… blissful.

“Please… please don’t kill me! I-I’m sorry!” he whimpered as he begged for his life, and Dee looked like she wanted to fuck me on the spot. “I-I’m sorry!”

“What is going on… here…” I turned around and saw the guard. I just gave him a friendly smile.

“This guy tried to rob us. I thought it necessary to teach him a lesson. You may want to get him to a hospital if you want him to survive the night- that powder singed his flesh pretty badly, and There’s a lead ball nestled somewhere in his gut.” I holstered my gun and the poor fucker curled up into a sort of fetal position.

His suffering was… exquisite.

The guard just blinked. “This… he escaped from prison earlier, and we’ve been looking for him all night.” The guard, who was a unicorn, used his horn to send a flare up into the sky. I just snorted.

“Ah, fantastic. Glad to know our police force lets deranged maniacs like this run around.” I said, rolling my eyes without a hint of irony in my voice. Soon, several more guards appeared to help cart away the dying man.

I was approached by the guard chief- he had an odd look on his face.

“You’re making me look incompetent, you know.” I just snorted.

“Looks are rarely deceiving. If this guy was any smarter, either my wife or I could’ve been hurt.” I scowled at him. “Ensure this doesn’t happen again.” I know she’s technically not my wife yet… but fuck em.

Dee and I stalked off not long after that. I could almost smell her pheromones in the air as we passed the threshold of our house.

That night… I don’t think I’ve ever seen her or anyone cum that hard. It was an orgasm so intense that I thought she was having a seizure at first.

It was awesome.

---

The next day, I couldn’t be any happier if I tried. I’d already sent the letter out to Mamma letting her know the good news. We hadn’t even gotten to planning the wedding yet- we were just… enjoying each other's presence. It was… blissful.

We were on a park bench, leaning into one another- when I saw a familiar blue face in the crowd.

“Ay, Emmie!” I yelled and waved, and he made his way over with a smile. Then he noticed my wife’s amulet, and his smile widened.

“I take it you popped the question?” We both nodded. “Congrats!” I got off the bench and pulled him in for a quick hug.

“I’ve actually been looking for you!” He said, and that piqued my interest. “Do you remember the other night, when we were talking about undead guardians?” My smile grew wide.

“Well, last night they broke into an even older chamber of the tomb… crawling with… things! We don’t even know what they are- aside from the fact that they do not want us there.” He seemed excited, and what he was saying was music to my ears.

“We’re looking for any able bodied fighters- and you were one of the first people to come to mind.” He held out a hoof. “What do you say, old pal?” I thought about it for a moment and shook his hoof.

“If the college can promise to get me a good supply of saltpeter, I’m in.” He gave me a pat on the back.

“You’re gonna have a good time, I can tell!”

He wasn’t wrong. Not by a mile.

Hail The Nightmare

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This morning, I awoke in bright spirits. It had been only a couple days, but I was dying in anticipation! It was early in the morning- I gave my beloved a goodbye kiss, she told me to stay safe, and was on my way.

Today, I was given a swift reminder that just because things are going good… does not mean things will keep rolling forever.

I’d arrived at the college archaeology building, decked out in my usual hunting gear of four pistols, a cutlass, and a dagger, along with plenty of spare powder and ball. Just in case, I also had two molotov cocktails at the ready.

The fighting force was kept relatively small due- the threat was there, but we were hardly fighting an army. Most folks are scared shitless of the undead, for understandable reasons. Especially ponies, once again showing the problem of the herd mentality amongst the untrained. It is absolutely possible to train it out of them- the military proves as much. But I digress.

For the frontline, you had me, firing off my guns from a respectable range… and we had Heavyweight. He was all decked out in his leather pit-fighting gear, complete with a ‘20s style boxing helmet, with heavy studded iron horseshoes. Or would they be ponyshoes? Either way, he was wielding the pony equivalent of brass knuckles on all four hooves.

The strategy was simple- I go in guns blazing, while Heavyweight watched my ass. Not in like… a literal sense, mind you. He is gay, after all.

Get your dick out of the gutter, there’s work to do!

Behind us for extra support, in case things go to shit, we had Emmie and an old local veteran who happened to be a combat medic- a unicorn named Purple Cross. Both were wielding cutlasses, but would generally try and stay out of the way.

I asked him about his hippocratic oath, and he just shrugged. “Doesn’t apply to the dead.”

Good man, good man.

On the cart ride over, he talked about the Great Equestrian Hunts- that’s where he got most of his experience in.

A long time ago, the forests of Equestria were much, much more dangerous- full of chimeric beasts and other oddities that plagued the land since the reign of Discord. He was part of a task force whose sole purpose was to eliminate these threats- and as usual, at the time, the ecological consequences were poorly understood. For example- the local forests surrounding Aderleth were full of half pig half bird creatures, called the cockentrice.

Simply put- with no predators, their population exploded. So to combat this, the Crown was paying people commission to hunt and slaughter these creatures… and once that happened, the treeant- small ants made of wood- population exploded… the treeants ate local crops, and farms began to fail.

Ecological meltdown! The region around Aderleth is still recovering from that disaster.

I asked him if he regretted taking part in that mess… and he shrugged. “Eh. It paid well.”

My man.

Anyways, we finally arrived at the dig site. It was originally a large stone quarry- they’d found that tomb by sheer, dumb luck.

Naturally, the Provost of the college went up to the quarry owners and basically told them “I’m gonna pay you 100 bits to fuck off,” and they took the deal. Or, something like that.

We made our way down on foot and Emmie was telling us what to expect.

“Alright, so the first several chambers should be devoid of any activity- except perhaps a straggler or two. The creatures we’ll be fighting are… creepy… but otherwise, clumsy and dumb. Enough blunt force trauma will disable them by shattering their bones, and destroying their brains will straight up kill them… again.” Translation- Aim for the head. Loud and clear. I watched Day of the Dead when it came out- that shit was awesome.

As we passed the threshold, I said to Heavyweight- “I hope you’re not still hungover from the last time we met- things are gonna get loud.” I had a wicked grin on my face, and couldn’t help but cackle like a witch- the type of open mouth laugh that sounds like NYA-HAHAHAHAHAAA!

Heavyweight gave a much more sensible chuckle, sporting a dark grin on his face. “Here comes the Night Train!” He clacked his horseshoes together in anticipation.

I drew one of my pistols and cocked it with my offhand in a fanning motion. I was kind of bummed out, not even gonna lie- I’d designed a blunderbuss, but never got around to building it.

That shit would’ve been awesome for fighting zombies.

But alas.

The tomb we were walking through was… strange. The walls were made of strange, black brickwork with intricate carvings. Growing all over said walls and floor was a strange, white mold and a faint blue fog clung to the floor.

“Do you think this stuff is safe to breathe?” I asked, feeling… oddly unnerved. Emmie just shrugged. Fair enough.

Throughout the journey, Emmie was casting light spells, so it was never too terribly dark, thankfully.

Coffins lined the walls, some with just skeletons, some were mummified… all were griffons. The mummified ones looked… quite unusual. Their skin was a bald and sickly pale yellow. Their eyes were round, black voids. Most striking, however, were their beaks- which seemed permanently locked open, and were missing their tongues. Combined with their eyes, their faces were constantly molded in an expression of terror.

We slowly crept through the tunnels, unsure of what to expect. Urns littered the area as well- I checked a couple, and quickly gave up hope of finding anything valuable inside. Eventually, we came across a broken down wall- apparently, it was where the surveyors broke through.

We were all on edge, keeping our eyes peeled for anything and everything.

Just by sheer, dumb luck… one of them found us first.

YYEEEEEOOOOOOW! It screeched out a loud roar as it ran towards us, twitching like it was in immense pain.

BANG! A shot to the head stopped it in its tracks, causing it to plant face first into the ground. I wasted no time in reloading my pistol, tearing a cartridge out of my coat, pouring the powder then ramming the ball, and priming the pan. The process took about 20 seconds total… and I noticed something even more peculiar.

The creature was bleeding a thick, clear serum that looked like mucus. I looked over to the expert.

“Emmie… is this normal?” He just laughed a maddened laugh.

“I have no idea! I mean… I don’t think so, at least.” He clicked his tongue and pulled out a dagger- and literally cut the things skull open, revealing-

“Eyes!” he yelled out. Despite the bullet tearing through and turning the middle into a mushy pulp and blowing out the back… the things “brain” appeared to be full of, or perhaps made of eyeballs. “This may be a lot to ask… but do you think you could leave a couple alive? I’d very much be interested in studying these… fascinating things!”

I couldn’t help but smile at his enthusiasm. “I didn’t realize you could be so… macabre.” I looked over to Heavyweight.

“Oy big man! If you wanna hold one down next time we see one, I’ll saw its legs off so it can’t go anywhere.” He simply smiled and nodded. Meanwhile, our medic, couldn’t give less of a fuck about the situation. Man was here to get that bread- and I could respect the hustle.

Why do I always find myself surrounded by lunatics?

We pressed forward- eventually coming across a wide, tall chamber with much, much more undead in it. I flapped my wings and hovered in the air, grabbing a pistol in my left hand.

Their screeches, combined with the ringing sound of gunfire, was almost deafening.

BANG! BANG!

Four shots, four dead zombies. I’d learned the virtues of making my shots count a long time ago- when I still carried my Guardian Angel, I only had six shots to work with.

I landed, ducked and rolled, reholstering my empty guns and grabbing two more.

BANG! Another one down. I remember when Glocks first hit the scene, and they were all the rage. I wasn’t interested in no plastic junk, I told ‘em.

BANG!

I holstered my now empty right handed gun, drawing my saber. In the heat of the fight, I didn’t even know where Big Man went- but I wasn’t paying attention, either.

I thrusted with my sword, stabbing a zombie in the head with a sickening squelch. I took aim for another which was approaching-

BANG!

Just then, from my blindside, I was tackled by one of the zombies and dropped my gun. I held its body back as well as I could, but that fucker was HEAVY! I was trapped on my back and it was swiping at me with its claws and I yelled-

“YO! A LITTLE HELP!” Heavyweight came to my rescue, charging over and using his momentum to spin around, landing a solid buck right in the zombie’s side. I heard a wonderfully wet sounding crunch as he kicked it off me.

It was writhing on the ground nearby, its body near useless from the force of the blow.

“You alright?” He asked, as I took his hoof to let him help me up.

“Aside from the fact that I almost shit myself? Yeah, doin’ just peachy over here.” I quickly dusted off my coat and looked around- seeing that the threat had been neutralized. “I owe you a couple rounds at the bar, later. Fuck.” I went over and grabbed my fallen gun.

“Everyone alright?” I yelled out- Emmie was casually wiping the blood off his chest with a handkerchief and the medic was in the middle of lighting up a smoke. “I’ll take that as a yes.”

We decided to take a breather before moving on. I inspected my fallen gun for damage- and whined in despair as I realized the barrels’ finish was a bit scuffed. After that, we tied the still living… “living” zombie’s beak shut with a thick piece of cloth

We were all sitting on the floor in a circle- but still remaining on guard. The door to the next room was sealed- but you never know what could happen. I began the painstaking process of reloading my pistols when Heavyweight struck up a conversation.

“You weren’t kidding when you said things would get loud.” I just snorted.

“Right? Between the screeching fuckers and the rhythm of gunfire, my ears are ringin’ over here. It was fun as fuck, though.” Emmie, however, changed the conversation as I finished loading my last pistol and lit up a cigarette.

“I wonder what this wall art means?” He mused… and I admit, I was mighty curious as well.

Lining the walls were various strange depictions of griffons. Scraping away the mold painted a much clearer picture. The art style reminded me of medieval heraldry depictions of griffons… but somehow even stranger. The most prominent features were their impossibly long tongues which dangled from their mouths like a long, several foot strand of pasta.

In one depiction I noted, one griffon had its tongue seemingly licking another griffon, who happened to be reading a book. In one depiction- it seemed to be stabbing through the chest of… something that looked oddly familiar. Some sort of faceless, horned, bat winged demon.

And between it all, was a repeating motif of… insects? The fuck?

I remembered how the mummified corpses all seemingly had their tongues removed- and wondered why?

I don’t know- I wasn’t exactly a historian. Yeah, I enjoyed learning history… but this is entirely new territory, even for some of our scholars.

I just shrugged. I’ll leave the pioneering to the experts, thank you very much… or so I thought.

Once we were all rested, we moved on to the next chamber- I was smart this time, and actually decided to use the molotov as an opening move. I gave one to Emmie as well and we charged into the room and launched them. Whatever that strange serum was, it was evidently flammable- the zombies lit up like Christmas trees.

We made short work of them after that, with me really only having to fire off a couple shots and Heavyweight only crushing a couple skulls.

Once the room was cleared, we moved on to the massive iron door at the end of the hallway. I looked to Heavyweight and nodded. Using nothing but his brute strength, he slowly pushed the door open with a loud crrrreeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaak!

I whistled as we entered. There seemed to be no life in this chamber… but it more than made up for it in treasures. Both sides of the room were lined with tarnished gold sarcophagi, their lids all invariably popped. The mummified corpses looked much like the ones earlier- except these ones were wearing rusted old armor, dirty rags that might have been fancy clothes, and holes in their foreheads revealing empty skulls; their beaks still revealing a lack of tongue.

Whoever they were, they were important- and probably the reason this room was so well guarded. Even in death, the servants were loyal to their masters.

“I wonder if this was some sort of weird cult?” I mused to no-one in particular. But what really piqued my interest was at the end of the room.

Everyone else seemed distracted with all the other unusualities, So I made my way over.

On a raised platform lay a black sarcophagus that was, unusually, still closed up- in fact, an ancient rusted padlock and chains ensured it stayed that way. I gave the coffin a little shake, and heard no movement from inside. I knew for a fact that these zombies wouldn’t be smart enough to spring a proper ambush.

A couple strikes from the iron reinforced butt of my gun easily broke the rusty old thing and I threw the chains over behind the sarcophagus. I smirked and pushed it open slowly.

Thunk!

Whoever was buried here must have been important. Despite the age, his robes were dyed a crimson red, though it was nought but threads now. Beneath the tatters of the robe, I could see a sort of ornate armor. The king was wearing a crown of solid, rough iron, and…

“What the…” I mumbled to myself. There was… something in his mouth. Emmie was on the other side of the room talking to Heavyweight, so the light was a little dim. “Is that…” Something gold and shiny sparkled within his beak.

“A coin, perhaps?” I smirked, “Don’t mind if I do…” I reached for my prize.

Then I shrieked in utter terror.

It was most certainly not a coin.

It was an isopod-like creature, and it was climbing up my arm at lightning speeds. I was smacking myself all up my arm and chest in an attempt to kill it, shrieking like a baby.

“FUCK FUCK FUCK GET IT OFF GET IT O-HRK!”

OH GOD IT WENT IN MY MOUTH! I felt a sharp pain on the back of my tongue, and finally I was able to pull myself together, using my tongue to force the creature out.

I tasted copper but whatever it was, it laid dead on the ground, all mushy and covered in blood. I was breathing heavily and dropped to my flanks to try and catch my breath. I was shuddering and cringing fiercely.

“Ew, ew, ewwww… fuck, what the fuck.” I clutched my chest and found out that yes, my heart was still beating, and no, it didn’t burst like a balloon. I looked forward, and noted how all my companions were looking at me in abject horror.

“What? It’s dead now. Nothing to worry about… but fuck that scared the hell out of me.” I gave a chuckle, and I noticed how Purple Heart was looking at the dead bug laying before me.

You know, in all the excitement, I never stopped to consider what killed that bug.

I never bit down or anything- I would’ve felt a crunch or something. I was just so happy to have it out of my mouth, that it never even occurred to me that I should examine the things’ corpse. As if my brain were perfectly willing to accept things as they are.

Just move on… forget this ever happened… ignorance is bliss. Everything is perfectly normal now.

And indeed, it did feel quite normal. My tongue was moving around as it should, I was able to speak with no issue, and the spot that the creature bit me in didn’t even hurt anymore.

I trembled fiercely as I slowly looked down at the corpse. Everything in my mind was telling me not to- that I didn’t want to know the truth. It wanted to reject the reality that no matter what, would eventually have to accept. Even by looking in a mirror, I would know the truth.

That was no corpse on the ground. It was a tongue. A griffon tongue.

My tongue.

I shuddered fiercely, feeling like I was gonna be sick. On instinct, I stuck my “tongue” out- and with a wet sounding squelch, almost resembling a splash, my tongue grew. It was as though another arm had shot out of my mouth, completely filling my beak and preventing me from talking or screaming.

It was about five feet long and slimy, with a pointed end. It was a pale, sickly yellow color… and it was quite prehensile, I’ve found out. I was able to move it like any other limb with great accuracy.

I pulled it back in, and it felt and sounded like I was slurping up a long strand of angel hair spaghetti.

My eyes were crossed. I could barely form a coherent thought. Unable to process anything else… I just giggled.

“This… no, this isn’t real, Kyahahah! This is a nightmare! Just a weird, twisted nightmare! Wahaha!” I was muttering incoherently, wrapping my wings around myself in a sort of fetal position.

My world went dark after that. Presumably, mercifully… I passed the fuck out.

---

I woke up in my bed… and I smiled. It really was a fucked up dream. Thank fuck.

God, that was awful. At first I was excited to join my friends in the expedition… but I’m not going anymore. Fuck that.

I’d rather die than go back to that… that awful place. I don’t care if it was a dream… It felt so, so real.

I looked around my bedroom and realized that I must’ve slept in. That was fine by me, though.

The late afternoon sun filtered through the window and I just smiled. The door opened.

“Babe? Is that you?” I confirmed that it indeed was her- but she was giving me a wide eyed look, covering her mouth with her hooves. She then bolted over and pulled me into a tight hug where I sat on the bed.

“You’re awake!” I just cocked an eyebrow.

“Yeah, I slept in… I hope Emmie isn’t mad at me for bailing.” she shuddered as she breathed and she turned to face me. Her eyes were red and puffy, like she’d been crying.

I looked towards the door and saw Emmie walk in… and a pit formed in my stomach and my pupils shrank.

Wordlessly, he handed me a hip flask and told me to drink. I made no argument, greedily sucking down the flask of… gin? Yeah, definitely gin. I took several deep breaths.

“It… it was all real, wasn’t it?” He nodded slowly. I laid my head back and sighed.

“Did… did you fix me?” I asked, a glimmer of hope in my eyes which was shattered instantly.

“Well, Purple Heart tried to cut it out to put your tongue back in place…” And just like that, a memory I shouldn’t have came flooding back to me.

---

“Mind’s Eye, keep the light steady.” I was seeing myself from the point of view of the doctor. We were still in the tomb and Emmie was using magic to keep my mouth open. I was definitely unconscious- I almost looked like a corpse.

He tugged on the isopod lightly. Heavyweight spoke up.

“It’s like that… that tongue eating louse that sometimes infects the fish in the region. They sever the fish’s tongue and functionally replace it… and apparently, it doesn’t really harm the fish.” That was… quite comforting, actually. Maybe… maybe I’ll be okay?

“I didn’t think they came that big, though… or could infect griffons, for that matter.” Emmie mused aloud.

The doctor used his magic to tug on the louse and brought in a scalpel…

And it did NOT like that. As if sensing the danger, my tongue extended to its full length, almost knocking him back. Before he could really react, the sharp end pointed at his face.

---

“And the parasite sprang to life… and sucked out his brain through his eye socket.” Both Emmie’s and Dee’s eyes widened.

“How did-”

“Do you remember that wall art? Of the griffon who was apparently licking that other guy holding a book?” He blinked his one good eye… Then gasped.

“That’s what that means! Those weren’t ordinary tongues in the art, they were parasites! And they weren’t licking each other, they were absorbing the others' knowledge!” He seemed excited at the revelation- and I can’t blame him.

“So a parasite that has the ability to… to eat intelligence has replaced my tongue?” I rubbed my temples. This is so fucked up. I sighed and asked, “What happened to Purple Heart?”

Emmie bit his lip and looked to the side. “Well… he signed the contract. He knew the potential risks. But surprisingly, it didn’t kill him…” I was about to ask him to elaborate, when he continued.

“He’s a vegetable, now. We’re still trying to figure out how it works…” He sniffled. “I… I’m sorry.” I cocked an eyebrow.

“Sorry for what?”

“For dragging you into this. This is all my fault!” He looked like he was about to have a breakdown. I looked down to my wife, and she nodded and moved. I gave Emmie a hug.

“It’s not your fault. Not by a mile.” He began to cry softly into my shoulder. I just did my best to comfort him.

“I-I promise that I will do everything in my power to fix this.” I patted him on the back.

“I appreciate you, bud. I really do. But don’t dedicate your life to me.” My smile fell slightly. “You want nothing to do with me in the long run, that I can assure.” He pulled back and put a hoof on each of my shoulders. He had an odd smirk on his face.

“We shall see about that, friend. Next semester, I’m changing my major to Occult Studies. Whatever’s going on here goes far, far beyond the natural means of reality.” I was about to speak up, but he kept on. “Mark my words, I will get to the bottom of this mystery… And I want you to promise me something.”

He gave me a maddened grin and lifted his eyepatch, which was damp with tears. His eye was… weird. The sclera was almost dyed red from how bloodshot it was, and I don’t think it’s from crying. And his pupil was even stranger- it looked like a cell in the middle of splitting, half gold and half blue.

“Whatever happens… if you ever return to the Griffon Confederacy, I want you to bring me along. I swear on both my eyes that I will find a way to fix this- and I’m willing to bet there may be more answers out that way.” I blinked twice… then smiled.

“Fuck yeah, bro.” In truth, I don’t know why I accepted. Perhaps it’s because I feared what would happen if I left him behind? I don’t know.

We went in for a tight hug, and he left not long after that. He was saying something about a particular book which is kept well guarded in the school’s library. Dee spoke up for the first time in ages.

“Why is it that you always seem to attract madmen and psychopaths?” I just shrugged in response.

Despite the initial terror, the situation… could be worse. My tongue was very clearly that tarnished gold hue, and I got a lot of strange looks for it… but mostly, the college kept the true nature of my tongue a secret.

It does come with downsides, though. I can’t eat out my wife anymore- or rather, she doesn’t want me to, understandably.

But that’s alright- she’s more than happy to dominate in other ways.

---

The greatest problem came later that night, I witnessed something so horrible that… well…

I’d woken up in the middle of the night- I was sleeping next to my wife like I normally do.

An odd smell hung thick in the air. “Babe, you up?” I shook her, but she was fast asleep. “Babe?” I asked, shaking her more vigorously. “I think there’s a gas leak or something, we gotta get outta here.”

Then I rolled her over. Her left eye was missing, a pool of black blood leaking from the socket. Her face was locked in a permanent expression of terror- but she was still breathing.

I trembled fiercely, refusing to believe my eyes. No… no no no!

“NOOOOOOOOO!” I shrieked in utter terror at what I’d done. I… I killed her! She was gone!

“BABE! WAKE UP!” I looked around on the bed and saw my wife looking at me with concern in her still intact eyes. “You were having a bad dream! Are you alright?” It felt so real.

I couldn’t tell her what I saw.

All I could bring myself to do was to sob meekly into her shoulder. I never, ever wanted to let go.

Problem

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Things have been… difficult, to say the least. The night terrors never stopped- I just got used to them. Dee says I only whimper and cry silently in my sleep nowadays- which is an improvement, to be sure.

My doctor even tried to prescribe me laudanum, once. I told him to fuck off- I’ve seen enough opium junkies in my life to know where that road would lead. No, I just started doing what any sensible person would do- that is, drink myself into an alcoholic stupor before bed every night.

A crude solution, to be sure… but at least Dee can sleep mostly uninterrupted. She’s quite worried about me, though- and understandably so. It doesn’t help that I’ve recently taken up drinking in the morning.

You gotta do what ya gotta do.

Honestly- the tongue parasite isn’t bad at all. Functionally, it’s basically a normal tongue. I could still taste things with it somehow, and it truly does feel and look like a normal tongue- aside from the yellow hue. I do occasionally get questioned about it, but most people are decent enough to hold their tongue… pun not intended.

When someone does ask me about it, I just tell them that I ate a banana popsicle not too long ago. Works every time.

Speaking of which- Emmie has been researching tirelessly into this parasite. You’ll be happy to know that he’s discovered…

Fuck all. At one point he was working so much that I had to threaten him with brain-suckage if he didn’t slow down. He’s my best friend, but I don’t want him working himself to death for my sake.

Actually, he did discover something. We found out that the creature in my mouth functions very similarly to another parasite featured in a Neighponese comic; the major difference being that instead of sucking brains, they uh...

I discovered a kink I never knew I had.

When we contacted the author to ask if he’d heard anything about the creature in real life, we received no response. I heard the guy lives in Manehattan- so if we’re ever out that way, visiting him is somewhere on my priority list- just not very high.

Shit, we’ll take whatever leads we can get at this point.

On the topic of Emmie- I made sure to pay his boyfriend back with several rounds of shots at the pub, considering the fact that he saved my ass.

I ain’t a fink, dig?

However, that’s not to say that the search has been futile. In fact, I’ve learned a good bit about what this creature does.

You know what? It’s probably wrong, but I’m calling it a louse from now on.

As I was saying- I’ve learned a decent bit about what this louse does and how it functions.

Mainly via hunting.

The last bounty I did, I’d spent a few days tracking this guy in the mountains to the west.

Despite the horrible, horrible nightmares, the louse comes with a couple benefits.

---

We were in a mountain cave, and I had the guy cornered. He was an earth pony that, despite the lack of food, still looked quite strong. He was working as a farmhand, and apparently raped and strangled the owner's daughter to death, for some reason. He was glaring at me, daring me to take another step closer.

I smirked.

Thwish!

That’s the sound my tongue made as it burst forth from my beak. His act of bravado fell instantly, the look in his eyes being one of pure terror and confusion. I ran forward and he screamed as I swung it at him like a whip- it collided with his side and knocked him to the ground, so I jumped to keep him pinned there.

Controlling the louse’s movement was as simple as controlling my tail… yet it felt different at the same time.

“W-what are you!?” if I could speak, I would’ve been laughing.

Despite what I thought originally, jamming the louse in their eye doesn’t destroy it or their brain- at least physically. Before I did that, I thought of trying something. I still don’t know where I got the idea.

The pointy end shot towards his face with a swish and he screamed. His struggle grew immensely and I thought of something to ask.

“Why did you do it?” I asked him… I don’t know why, but it’s like our consciousness was connected. His breathing evened out a little bit as he answered me.

“We were in love… we kept it a secret from the farmer. She loved being choked, and I went too far. I’ve been on the run since.” I cocked an eyebrow… then another voice could be heard in passing… a female voice, as though it were a memory rising to the surface.

“Please! Please, stop! Why are you doing this!?” I cocked an eyebrow at my target, and he began to sweat.

I’d heard enough. It was time to feed.

It was a weird sensation- like sucking something through a straw, but as soon as the liquid hits the apex, it disappears. Once I finished, I sucked my tongue back in with a slurp and he just laid there- eyes wide open and still breathing… but not at all there.

The lights were on, but no-one was home, as it were.

I took a swig from my flask and got to work.

I… don’t like doing it. It comes with many advantages, sure, but something about it just… icks me out.

You may be wondering why I continue to abide the louse- simply because I worry what will happen if I don’t feed it. Will it start to consume my intelligence? Will I wake up as a mute one day?

I had no clue, and it fucking terrified me.

---

Anyways, back in the present, things were somewhat looking up for us. Our wedding was planned for the end of summer, so I had that to look forward to.

In fact, we were gonna spend that last month with our families in Ponyville. We decided to keep it a relatively small affair- despite the fact that the entirety of Ponyville would show up regardless.

I promised Emmie that he’d be my best man- when I told him that, he was so overcome with joy that he started to cry.

I was more than happy to have him there- really, he was the only person I’ve met at the college who I consider to be a close friend. Yeah, I get along, and I’m acquaintances with some of the others… but I rarely speak to them outside of school.

But the plan was that for the week before the wedding, he would be getting a room in Ponyville until the actual event.

The actual planning was taken care of by my wife and her parents, thank fuck.

I never was one for grandiosity.

“Boarding train 102 to Ponyville!” the speakers at the station blared. I looked over to Emmie with a smirk.

“See you soon?” I asked, and he wrapped me in a friendly hug.

“Indeed, friend.” I looked over to Heavyweight, who was standing nearby.

“Keep him entertained, wouldja?” and he chuckled in response.

I turned to Dee and asked with a smirk, “Don’t forget to go potty before we get on the train this time, babe.” She elbowed me and I laughed at her expense.

We grabbed our suitcases and boarded the train, but not before I took a good swig from my flask. Not even gonna lie, I had a decent buzz going.

It felt good.

When I sat next to my beloved, she said-

“You know, I really wish you wouldn’t drink so much.” I just rolled my eyes.

“Oh, please. It’s not like I’m drunk. I’ve only had a couple drinks, hun.” I smiled and wrapped her in my arms, which did make her smile.

The train ride was relatively uneventful- especially since there was less of a risk of having to pay to have the seats reupholstered. We just chatted about what we planned to do when we got there. Dee wanted to spend some time with Silver Spoon- even though they weren’t best friends anymore, they were still pretty good friends since they made up.

I planned to… get drunk. That’s about it.

I mean, shit, it’s a vacation, why not? Although, I did plan on taking her to the spa tomorrow.

I also planned to spend the night catching up with Mamma. I never told her about my… louse issue… so that would be a fun conversation.

Mamma was waiting for us at the station. I gave Dee a parting hug and kiss and we split up for now.

We walked, and Mamma had her wing around my back. It was nice, really. When we got to the house, we were just chilling on the couch next to each other.

Not much changed, and I was totally fine with that. I then decided to address the elephant in the room.

“You’re probably wondering about my tongue, yes?” she looked off to the side.

“I did notice it was an odd color, but I didn’t want to point it out in public. What’s wrong, baby?”

Honestly… where do I even start with this? “Well it’s… not my actual tongue. It acts like it, but it’s not it. It’s like… well, let me show you.”

Thwish! I let it hang in the air for a few seconds before I slurped it back up.

Her jaw hung open and I chuckled. “You might wanna close your beak. Wouldn’t wanna catch a louse.”

I just sat there and explained everything I knew about the creature. What little I knew, that is.

When I was done, she just pulled me in for a hug.

“Oh, my poor baby… what’ve they done to you?” I couldn’t help but sniffle.

“It’s no one's fault, Mamma…” I sucked in a deep breath of air. “I’m fucking terrified, if I’m being honest… Nothing about this makes sense!” I began to shudder in her arms. “I-I just don’t know what to do! I don’t want to feed it, but what happens if I don’t? Is it gonna start sucking out my brains? Am I gonna wake up one day as a mute?”

My voice was cracking terribly as the tears began. “I can barely even get any sleep anymore… every night I have these awful nightmares where… where everyone I care about is either dead or comatose- because I… what if I lose control?!” I couldn’t take it anymore- I took out my flask and took a deep swig.

Mamma just wrapped her wings around me.

“Baby… you’re gonna be okay. I know you’re not gonna lose control, because I know damn well you wouldn’t let that happen.” I was just crying into her shoulder, just… just feeling done with it all. “You’re gonna be alright. You’re gonna be okay.”

I know she didn’t have anything to back that up… but it was just so damn comforting. I calmed down not long after that.

“Come on, baby. Let’s head to bed.” I sniffed and smiled.

“Okay, Mamma.” It doesn’t matter how old I get- I know Mamma will always be my rock in the storm.

I decided to sleep in her room for the night- my hopes were that since Mamma was there, I’d hopefully get decent sleep. She had her wing on my back and sang me that wonderful lullaby from my childhood.

I felt safe.

---

The next morning, we were having breakfast together. She told me I’d been crying in my sleep again- but it’s better than screaming. It was a simple ordeal of scrambled eggs and toast, with a cup of Irish coffee.

It was more Irish than coffee, though.

“Baby, do you really think it’s a good idea to be drinking this early in the day?” I just looked off to the side and shrugged.

“Probably not, I guess.”

“Sweetie, I understand you’re going through a lot, but drinking isn’t the answer.” I don’t know about that- it’s been working well so far. In fact, I felt better already.

“Ohh, it’s no big deal. It’s not like I’m getting drunk- Really, all it’s doing is adding some flavor to my coffee.” Mamma just sighed.

“Well… whatever you say, I guess. You’re a big girl now, I suppose.”

We finished our breakfast in silence, and Mamma left not long after that. Said she wanted to talk to Twilight or something- I wasn’t paying attention, though.

But in the meantime, I had some shopping to do. I hope Berry’s liquor store still opens early.

“Ayyy, Berry! Long time no see, huh?” I spread my arms wide as I walked through the door. The proprietor gave me a soft smile.

“Heyyyy, Leona! How’ve you been, huh?” I could tell she was quite drunk already- not like I had any room to judge anyone for that. She looked at me and squinted. “What’s… what’s with your tongue?” I just shrugged.

“I ate a banana popsicle not too long ago.” Works every time.

“Oh… Well, what you lookin for?” she asked with a stupid looking grin. I just waved her off, knowing exactly what I needed.

I grabbed a bottle of bourbon. A bottle of scotch. And a six pack of beer… in fact, better make it three. She gave me a laugh. I also grabbed a pint bottle of whiskey- for the hell of it.

“Gettin’ the tuesday night special, I see?” I gave her my bits and laughed.

“You take care now!” she yelled towards me. My saddlebags packed with liquor and three cases of beer on my back, I was ready to…

I don’t know what I was getting ready for. But I was in a rare good mood, nonetheless.

I think this vacation is just what the doctor ordered.

Oh wait! I gotta get ready for our spa date!

I dropped my booze off at the house and refilled my flask- but not before taking a couple swigs from the bottle.

I was feeling… pretty damn good. And it was only noon!

I grabbed my spa robe out of my suitcase- Just like all my clothes, it was jet black, and the floofy bits around the edges were colored gold. I threw it on and put that pint bottle in one of the pockets, figuring I’d just chip away at it.

You’d think it’d be considered weird to walk around in a robe like that, but the ponies really didn’t give a shit. Clothes just don’t mean as much to them as they do to humans- at most, ponies would see it and think “Man, that looks comfy.”

But today, I was high in spirits.

I was also full of spirits. Shit was so cash.

Heartache's On Me

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Who would’ve thought! Just as I was about to head out to meet Dee at the spa- she was just about to knock on the door.

“Ayyy, baby!” I pulled her in for a quick hug. “I missed you, ya know that?” She giggled.

“I missed you too, honey.” I pulled back and her smile shrank a little. “You’ve been drinking, haven't you?” I just shrugged in response.

“Eh, a little bit. It’s no big deal.” She cocked an eyebrow and I rolled my eyes. “Look, I’m not hammered, I’m just a little buzzed. Nothing wrong with that, given the circumstances. Plus… we’re on vacation!” I put a wing around her side.

“Ohh… whatever. You do look better than you have in a while… mentally, at least.” she shook her head.

"That's the spirit!"

We made our way through the town- I was feeling loose and I had a pep in my step. My robe was flowing in the breeze and the spirits flowed through my bloodstream. I had a cigarette in my mouth as I walked, and I was humming a tune I heard a long time ago in some Italian restaurant.

Of course, when we arrived, I stopped to take a good pull from my bottle.

We were greeted by one of the spa ponies- Lotus, I believe her name was. She spoke in a Swedish accent that honestly baffled me.

Like, ponies have been speaking the same language for 1000s of years, presumably. Why some of them have such thick accents, I’ll never know.

But that didn’t matter. We paid for the full treatment, and Lotus led my beloved and I into a sauna room. I couldn’t help but sigh in content as I leaned against the backboard.

“You mind giving us a few minutes alone? We’ll knock on the door when we’re ready to move on.” Dee said, and Lotus nodded with a warm smile. I took the liberty of pouring a ladleful of water onto the hot coals.

“Man, how long’s it been since we did this?” I asked, and she giggled.

“Too long, that’s for sure.” she glanced off to the side- “How… How did it go last night?” I just shrugged.

“It went well enough, I suppose. I admit- I do feel a lot better.” I said as I took a sip of whiskey, throwing it back into my pocket. “It really helped, I think. How about you?”

“That’s good, I suppose. As for me… I was just getting caught up, really. Not much has changed around here, though.”

I chuckled and said, “Did you really expect it to? I mean, come oooon!” I waved a dismissive hand. “Although I did hear- apparently they brought Starswirl out of some… some weird time limbo bullshit?”

“I do remember reading that in a newspaper a good bit ago.” She snorted, “Do you think that old geezer might know something about that louse?”

I clicked my tongue and shrugged. “I don’t think it’s likely. That temple was from pre-migration days… Could be worth a try, though.” I’ll get around to it.

Until then, I was just fine where I was- sitting in a sauna with the love of my life and sipping whiskey from a bottle.

We were soon moved to a room where we were both laid down on comfortable massaging tables. I was on my belly, using pillows for support under my arms. I corked my bottle and set it off to the side for now. They used a brush to apply a facial mask and put cucumber slices over my eyes. I imagine that Dee went through about the same treatment.

They began using a file to sharpen my talons while Dee was getting her hooves done.

“So… where are you thinking we have the wedding?” I asked, pointing to where I was… pretty sure Dee was.

“We’re gonna have it at Moonside Lake, of course!”

I couldn’t help but smile.

“That sounds fantastic, honey. You know- it just occurred to me. What’s that lake actually called?” I just started calling it Moonside Lake one day and it just kinda stuck. After a few seconds of silence, she said-

“You know, I have no idea… I guess it doesn’t matter, now does it?”

“I’ll drink to that.” I heard her snort.

“I really wish you wouldn’t.”

I chose to ignore that comment.

Eventually, however, they started massaging my back- and I decided to keep my beak shut, lest I moan in pleasure. Shit was nice.

My spine almost sounded like bubble wrap for a second there.

But alas- all good things must come to an end eventually. But hey- I was pretty drunk so it wasn’t so bad.

Dee and I were just out on the town, and I turned to say- “You know something? I feel better than I have in fuckin’ ages.” I’m pretty sure if I looked in the mirror, I’d be wearing a stupid grin. I was almost through my pint and was approaching a proper stupor.

Perfect for falling asleep.

I was leaning against Dee’s side on the way back to the house- my house, that is. Originally, we were gonna stay at her place, but all my liquor is at my place. I just made up some bullshit about wanting to be closer to Mamma- which wasn’t technically a lie.

“You- you wanna know somethin?” I asked her, “You’re fuckin… you’re fuckin gorgeous, you know tha’?” She giggled in response. “I mean, fuck… I love you, babe.” I nuzzled her side…

Then promptly tripped and fell on my face.

“You alright, babe?” She asked as I got back up, rubbing my beak.

“Yeah, I’m good. Did I scuff my beak? I just got this fuckin thing polished.” She squinted for a moment then shrugged.

“Looks fine to me.” I smiled.

“Anyways, where was… Like, listen- you mean tha world to me, you know?” I put my wing around her back. “Like, if you wanted to- I dunno, rule the planet or something, I’d help you do it in a HEARTBEAT.” She just snorted in response.

“Would you, I dunno… quit drinking for me?” I just laughed.

“Now let’s not be unrealistic now.” If I was sober, I probably would’ve noticed the sad look in her eyes.

Hindsight is always 20/20.

---

The next week was pretty much that same cycle of boozing throughout the day and passing the fuck out at night.

I did find a good use for my tongue, though. This morning I woke up and remembered I had a bottle of booze which rolled under my bed. With that same wet Swish! noise, my tongue was poking and prodding the underside of my bed in order to fetch me my liquor.

“Babe… What the actual fuck are you doing?” Dee asked, but I was too focused on my goal- Then I heard a glass clink. Bingo!

I was able to wrap my tongue around the nose of the bottle and bring it up to where I could reach it- all without even having to get up! I slurped the tongue back up and laughed like a madwoman.

“Shit, maybe this thing ain’t so bad after all?” I was about to have a snap of liquor when Dee grabbed my arm.

“Leona, please! You’ve been drinking like a fish ever since you got that stupid parasite!” She had a hint of desperation in her voice and I couldn’t help but feel annoyed. What does it matter to her what I do with my body?

“Well… well so what if I like to have a little drink from time to time? Not like it’s hurting you.” I was about to take a pull of liquor when she yanked my arm down.

“Baby, please!” She looked me in the eyes, and I once again couldn’t help but feel a twinge of annoyance. “Just… can’t it at least wait until night?”

I scoffed and was about to speak up when she added, “If not for your sake, then for my sake! Please!” I looked at her. Then back to the bottle. Then back to her. “All I ask is you stop drinking during the day!” Finally, I caved.

“Fine. Fine- I won’t drink during the day anymore.” I gave her a weary smile. “If it’ll make you happy, then I’ll do it for you.” She gave me a wide smile then pulled me in for a hug. Why is she so concerned about my life?

And so- we spent the day together.

Our first stop was at Rarity’s- we had to make sure our dresses fit well, and make any final adjustments. We’d gotten measured earlier in the week, but admittedly, I was so drunk I can’t even remember it.

“Hello, Miss Rarity!” My darling wife said- she sounded so cheery I couldn’t help but roll my eyes.

“Why hello, Miss Tiara! Or shall I say- Mrs. Grimfeather?” She gave a giggle and my darling blushed lightly.

“We ain’t at that point, yet.” I interjected bluntly, pulling Dee in for a wing hug from the side. “It’s coming soon, though. It’s in like… two weeks?” I asked, and my darling nodded in confirmation.

“Well, let us not delay anymore! Leona, darling, would you like to go first?” I just shrugged, fine with whatever. “Yours will likely take the most work in readjusting… considering the fact that you could barely stand up straight when I tried to take your measurements.” She said with a deadpan, and I chuckled sheepishly.

“Yeah, well… shit happens.” she rolled her eyes and ushered me into the backroom.

My dress was a shiny white, studded with gemstones and embroidery that spelled out “I’m gay.”

Hah. Yeah right. It was all black- The bottom part lightly dragged across the ground and the shoulders were short and puffy. It was covered in intricate gold embroidering and design that perfectly matched my eyes. It was a bit tight around the shoulders, actually. I might’ve been starting to gain a little weight, to be honest.

Eh, who wants a skinny ass anyway?

Rarity said that the modifications shouldn’t be difficult at all, thankfully. That finished, I tagged Dee in so she could get her dress modified. I wouldn’t see hers until the day of the wedding, and she would be the same with mine.

I’m sure she’s expecting me to wear a suit, but come on. A gal likes to feel pretty every now and again, you know?

Soon, we left the boutique and I couldn’t help but feel… aggravated, for some reason. It was just an overwhelming sense of I don’t want to fucking be here.

“Babe, what’s wrong?” evidently, the feeling was visual too. I just shrugged.

“Nothing, really. I’m just bored, I suppose.” which wasn’t a lie.

“Well… we could see if Silver Spoon wants to hang out- it’ll be just like old times, you know?” I just shrugged and grunted.

“Whatever’s fine, I guess.” I’ll be frank- anything that didn’t involve alcohol just didn’t sound all that appealing, right now.

“Well… what are you thinking?”

I’m thinking alcohol. “I dunno. Like I said, whatever you want to do, I’ll tag along with.” if she could sense the annoyance in my voice, she didn’t say anything.

Just then- who else but Scootaloo decided to stop and say hi. Her cutie mark was a wheel with a trail of fire behind it- reflecting the fact that she made her fame by doing Evel Kneivel-esque stunts on her scooter. Despite this though, her wings remained small and underdeveloped- she couldn’t fly, but she was able to use them to gain crazy speeds on her scooter.

“The hell do you want?” I asked, a hint of annoyance in my voice.

“Oh, you know- I was wondering what Fucky the Drunk Clown was up to today.” She gave me a smirk and I grit my beak. Scootaloo… never really forgave us for the clubhouse incident. We didn’t much care for her forgiveness either.

“Bitch, I’ll have you know that she hasn’t had a single drink yet today!” My wife defended me, and Scootaloo snorted.

“Keyword being yet.” I rolled my eyes and scoffed.

“Oh, piss off you hoof-dragging cunt.” I gave her a smirk. “Maybe if you weren’t so fat, you’d be able to fly.” she giggled at me!

“Oh, you’re one to talk.” She walked up to my side and poked my gut- which, admittedly, had grown a little pudgy. “You keep drivin’ the liquor into you, and your gut’s gonna start dragging against the ground.”

I grit my beak and growled- but she laughed and walked away. I was about to follow and give her a piece of my mind and a knuckle sandwich, when Dee put a hoof on my back.

“Just let her go.” I couldn’t help but sigh.

I really needed a drink.

We just continued our day on the town until I convinced her to go for dinner at the pub.

We ordered our dinner and I ordered a nice, tall glass of whiskey. As the barmaid walked away, my wife sighed in annoyance.

“Is that all you think about is alcohol?” I rolled my eyes.

“No! I think about you way more than alcohol and you know it.” She huffed at me.

“You sure make it seem that way.” she said with a deadpan.

“Oh, well… bah. Whatever.” was all I said as our drinks arrived. I took a sip of my whiskey, and for the first time that day, I couldn’t help but crack a smile.

Pretty soon after that- the liquor was calling the shots.

---

And the cycle continued for about… half a week? I would spend the day bored and annoyed and drink like a lunatic at night. It was… fine, really. I mean, whatever Dee wants, I suppose.

On a much more positive note, my nightmares have been occurring less and less. Most nights are either dreamless sleep or a nightmare- which was a hell of an improvement, I think. Maybe I’m just finally getting used to the idea of this thing?

“Leona!” I awoke to her shaking me. “Leona! Wake the fuck up!” She sounded upset for some reason- and I noticed that my bed felt a lot dustier and more uncomfortable than normal.

“Mrrrrrrr…” I sucked in a deep breath of air and my eyes slowly opened. They were half lidded, and I was having trouble registering existence. Then I felt water splash against my face, at least partially waking me up.

“Uhhh… Mornin, babe.” I noticed she was glaring at me- and I could barely register why.

“Leona… where the fuck did you go last night?” I looked around slowly, taking in my surroundings. I was outside my house, in the alleyway next to it.

“Ah fuck… I don’t remember shit.” my speech was still heavily slurred. “What’re you up to?” She groaned in annoyance.

“Leona! I’m worried about you- your mother’s worried about you! And if Emmie were here, he’d be worried about you, too!” I couldn’t help but snort. So what if I like to have a couple drinks from time to time?

“Babe… I tried to be reasonable, but no more.” Her voice was stern and serious. “I want you to quit drinking completely.” I scoffed at her in outrage.

“Well, what does it matter anyway?” I slowly managed to sit back up. “It’s not like I’m physically hurting anyone else.”

“Babe. I’m fucking serious.” That stern look on her face never faltered. “Your Mamma and I just got done pouring your booze down the drain.” My eyes widened in shock- That was my liquor! What fucking right do they have to waste it like that!?

“So help me, Leona. If I catch you getting drunk behind my back, we are over.” A chill shot down my spine- the outrage I was feeling turned to pure dread. I shook my head slowly.

“No. No, you wouldn’t dare.” she just huffed at me.

“I fucking will if you go behind my back. I will cancel our wedding the day of and I’ll never want to see you again.” I began to feel… hollow? She then pulled me in for a tight hug.

“Please, baby… I care about you so, so much. I don’t want you choosing the liquor over me.”

“But I-”

“No buts.” She pulled back and looked me in the eyes. “Either the liquor goes, or I go. Take your fucking pick.” Why is she giving me an ultimatum over this shit!? What the fuck does it matter to her or anyone else!? I gave her a stern look in return- one that was ultimately useless.

“Dee… I AM the liquor.” she stomped a hoof down.

“Either the liquor goes-” she pointed to the amulet I proposed to her with. “Or the wedding is off. Promise me! Promise me you’ll quit drinking!” she was punctuating her words with stomps of her hoof. I felt conflicted- on one hand, the booze is the only thing keeping me sane nowadays.

On the other hand… this woman is my world. I love her with all my heart, and the thought of losing her…

No. I’d rather be dead than lose her.

Finally I sighed and conceded. “Fine… Fine, you win.” I gave her a tired smile. “I promise I’ll give up the booze for your sake.” for the first time this morning, she gave me a smile.

“I’m doing this because I love you more than anything, Leona.” She pulled me in for a hug. “I hope you realize that.” I just hmm’d.

“I know, baby. I love you… so, so much.” I gave her a smile. “Now… I gotta get a shower. Meet you at the café later? You know the one.” She gave me a smile and a nod, and we parted ways.

As I went inside, I greeted Mamma with a quick hug and jumped into the shower to ruminate. The hot water really helped me think.

Who does she think she is to tell me what to do like that? Fucking ridiculous. Just because I blacked out once, I’m not even allowed to have a couple casual drinks? I brooded silently, watching the dust flow down the drain.

I began to wash my fur, and I began to quietly sing to myself. Gotta find a woman, be good to me… won’t hide my liquor, try to serve me tea. I missed the Grateful Dead, to be honest.

Once I was sure all the grime was out of my fur I began to wash my feathers. Cause I’m a stone jack baller and my heart is truuue, I’ll give everything I got to you, yes I will.

Easy Wind… goin’ cross the bayou today. Cuz there’s a… whole lot of women, mamma… out on the streets in the red todayyy…

I scoffed to myself. It’s fucking bullshit. She can dom me in bed- no one has the right to dom my liquor.

Just then, I smiled- I had a fantastic idea. No one tells me what to do. All I have to do is learn to pace myself better.

---

The day was beautiful out- the bright sun giving me a perfect excuse to wear sunglasses. I had an old sports water bottle I used to bring to school with me as a kid in one of my coat pockets.

I finally arrived at the outdoor cafe and greeted Dee with a smile. “Hey, honey!” I gave her a quick smooch on the cheek and she giggled.

“You’re much more chipper today than you have been, lately.”

“Well, that’s because you were right. The booze was no good for me-” I grabbed her hoof and gave it a quick smooch, causing her to blush lightly. “You are far more important to me than the liquor. Far more important.”

“Glad to hear it.” She grabbed the teapot and poured me a cup. She’d been reading a magazine when I showed up. “Also, I can’t remember if I told you, but Emmie sent us a letter.” I cocked an eyebrow.

“Well, what’d he have to say?” She gave me a smile.

“Good news is, he thinks he may have found something about the louse. Bad news is- he won’t be able to make it to Ponyville until a few days before the wedding.” I felt conflicted- on one hand, it’ll be fantastic to know a little more about the tongue…

But on the other hand, I was kinda bummed I wouldn’t see him until then.

“Honestly, babe?” I spoke up, “I’ve… I think I’ve started to accept it, somewhat.” she tilted her head in confusion. “Like, I’ve been having nightmares less and less- and it hasn’t really done anything so far. Maybe it’s benign?”

She just shrugged. “It’s still weird, though.”

“Well, yeah, nothing about this is natural- but it does come with a few perks.” I leaned in, “It might be perfect for interrogation purposes- I can basically read minds with it.” I also had a theory I wanted to test- What if I could root around someone's mind, and only extract some memory? You know, without completely sucking their brains out?

God, this shit’s so fucked.

But besides that- it’s fantastic for reaching things when you don’t feel like getting up. I do that all the time when I’m in private.

Anyways- we spent the day together, and I felt fucking great. We were just hanging out as I sipped away at my water bottle.

When Dee asked about it, I gave her the excuse that I’m trying to stay hydrated- since the liquor would always leave me feeling dehydrated. She shrugged and thought nothing of it. She had a lot of faith in me. Later that evening, we settled at her house.

It was around 9 PM- she was writing in her diary before getting ready for bed and I was writing in my journal as well.

She had the same routine every day: Write in her diary for a bit, lay down, and be sleeping by 10 or so; So the next night at around 9:30, I told her I was going out for a flight.

“What for?” she asked, and I shrugged.

“Exercise. I’m trying to lose some of the weight I gained from drinking.” She smiled and gave me a quick kiss on the cheek.

I’d do this every night and would come back at around 11 or so- when she was already well asleep.

Things had been going well, and Dee was quite proud of me for being off the booze. Ah, but all good things come to an end eventually, right?

It was about 5 days before the wedding. We were just out and about like we normally were… then Scootaloo… fucking Scootaloo fucked everything up for me.

We were sitting on a bench together, and Scootaloo showed up as I was taking a sip from my bottle.

“Yo, Leona!” She had a smug grin on her face that pissed me off. She was sweating- likely from working out or something. “Mind if I had a sip of your water?” I just huffed at her.

“Oh, fuck off, would you?”

“Yeah! Get your own water!” Dee spoke up, and Scoots just chuckled.

“Nah, I want a sip of Leona’s water. It’s the kind that gets you drunk, isn’t that right?” I just snorted at her.

“Bitch, I’ve been off the booze for a good bit now.” I glared at her- “You’re just jealous of what we have because you’re a sad cripple with nothin’ better to do than bother decent people.” She giggled once again.

“Hey, Diamond Tiara? Why don’t you ask her where she’s been every night between 9:30 and 11?”

“She’s been going on night flights to try and stay active- something that you’ll never know the feeling of.” Scootaloo laughed at us- the type of smug laugh that pissed me off.

“Bullshit! She’s going down to the pub every night, getting drunk and telling everypony she’s off the liquor!” She glared at me with a smirk and I grit my beak. After a few seconds of silence, Dee reached for my bottle.

“Let me have a drink, honey.” I tried to prevent her from getting it.

“Just let it go, baby, she’s full of shit.” She finally ripped it from my hands- and my heart sank. She took a sip, a look of sheer betrayal in her eyes as she set the bottle down on the bench.

“It’s vodka.”

“131 proof, straight up.” I couldn’t help but smile- “I’m fuckin’ wasted.” I wasn’t even paying attention to Scootaloo anymore- presumably, she was off to the side watching the fireworks.

Dee just had a sad look in her eyes. “You lied to me… You fucking lied to me for almost a week and a half straight!” She hopped off the bench and stomped her hoof down. I got down along with her. “How much more shit have you lied to me about?”

I felt a pit forming in my stomach. “Wha- nothing! I’ve never lied to you about anything but this!” She scoffed at me.

“And I’m supposed to just fucking believe you? Have you been lying about loving me this whole time?” it felt like lightning struck my heart.

“What? No! Never! I would never lie about that!”

“You lied about being sober- you lied through your beak without even hesitating!” She was poking my chest with a hoof. “Have you ever once, just once, stopped to consider how others feel about your drinking?” I opened my beak, but I couldn’t get a word in edgewise. We were making a scene and a small crowd began to form.

That’s the problem, Leona! You don’t think! Even to this day, Mamma’s words still rang true.

“One time your mother was crying to me because she thought you were turning into her grandmother!” I’d almost forgotten about that old drunk, to be honest. “And I’m inclined to agree with her! And I get that you’re scared about that louse, but fucking news flash! We’re scared of it too!

“Yet you don’t see us spending every waking fucking hour of the day in an alcoholic stupor!” I spread my arms wide in defiance.

“Well, what the fuck else was I supposed to do? Nothing fucking worked except the booze!” she facehooved in annoyance.

“Have you ever tried, I dunno, talking to us about it? And I mean, really talk about it.”

“Of course I have! I talked to all of you about it!”

“One fucking time!” She punctuated her words by stomping in the dirt. “Is it even about the stupid louse anymore? Or are you just using it as an excuse to not do anything about your blatant fucking drinking problem!?” I opened my beak to defend myself, but she just continued in her fury.

“You even told me yourself that the nightmares weren’t happening as much anymore! And don’t even try to make up some bullshit about the booze being the reason things started getting better. You said it yourself that you were beginning to accept it being there!” I began to notice the swelling crowd, and saw them whispering among themselves.

“Babe, there’s people watching!” She just looked at me with that same look of betrayed outrage.

“After everything, that’s all you have to say? Don’t make a fucking scene?” She stomped into the dirt hard. “You want a scene!? I’ll show you a fucking scene! I’ll show you a scene that you’ll never forget as long as you live!” My heart sank as she pulled her amulet off- the very same one I proposed to her with.

I couldn’t react- What could I do? She threw it at me and it bounced off my chest, landing onto the dusty ground below.

“The wedding’s off, Leona. Now you can drink to your heart’s content! Go ahead and drink all the booze in Ponyville for all I give a fuck. I just hope you’re happy.” She stormed off, leaving me behind.

I paid no mind to the murmurs around me as I picked the amulet up. I’d noticed some dirt got into the engravings, and wiped it against my coat before pocketing it. I heard Scootaloo laughing nearby.

“Stand back, everypony! Leona has lice, you heard what Diamond Tiara said!” I turned to look at her with a blank look. Slowly, I made my way forward. She stood her ground- confident that I wouldn’t try anything with the crowd watching.

“Weren’t you listening?” I asked, my voice sounding monotone and hollow. “She said louse, not lice. Lice would imply I had multiple.” She tilted her head at me in confusion.

“I only need one to break your fucking neck.”

SWISH! Someone in the crowd started screaming as my tongue wrapped tight around Scootaloo’s neck and began to slowly lift her up into the air. The parasite was surprisingly strong- able to lift a full grown pony into the air. It was incredible, really.

Scootaloo looked at me with a look of pure terror. The type of terror you can only feel when you’re confronted by something that makes your existence seem small on the scale of the cosmos. Her legs kicked fiercely, but I wasn’t gonna let go.

All I have to do is yank, and her neck will break like a twig.

“The horror! The horror!” I was snapped out of my rage by the florist screaming- then I truly looked around.

Dee was right- this scene would likely be one that no one will forget. They’ll be seeing it in their nightmares- especially Scootaloo.

I sighed internally… and let Scootaloo go. It’s what Dee would’ve wanted me to do. Just let her go. She’s not worth it. She dropped to the ground and scrambled to run away as fast as possible. I slurped my tongue back up and addressed the crowd.

“What?” I yelled. I tried to come off as sarcastic, but the best I could do was a deadpan. “You’ve never seen a tongue eating louse before?” the ponies looked on in horror as I casually walked past the crowd. I didn’t give a fuck about them- I had errands to run.

I stopped at the liquor store- Berry greeted me like normal and I ignored her, going straight to the whiskey. Rotgut, my old friend. I wordlessly purchased the two bottles and made my way home.

As I passed through the threshold, Mamma was there to greet me. She smiled- likely, she hadn’t heard about what happened. I had the bottles of booze tucked away in my bag.

“What brings you home so early?” She asked with a smile. I gave her a quick hug and went up to my room. “Sweetie? What’s wrong?” she followed me up the stairs. I pulled a bottle of booze out of my bag as I went into my room. She gasped, and I said the first words I could utter since I left the shocked crowd behind.

“I wanna be left alone. I’m getting drunk tonight- big time.” I simply shut the door behind me and locked the deadbolt- I installed it myself years ago after Mamma walked in on us that one time.

The memories hurt to think about.

I turned the radio on, and lit up a cigarette. The song playing was a fucking mood-and-a-half.

I uncorked the bottle and took a long, deep swig… and promptly began full on ugly crying into my pillow.

Author's Notes:

The liquor's callin' the shots now, bud.

I won't even lie- a lot of this chapter is based on my own personal experience with alcoholism, as well as a healthy amount of Trailer Park Boys references. A lot of the traits shown here- the greed, the selfishness, the callousness- was based off feelings I actually felt when I was actively drinking; and to an extent, was partially based off how my last, and best, relationship went.

But, hey- when you hit rock bottom, you've got nowhere to go but up. After all- today marks five months sober for me, personally :3

As always, thank you for reading! Any likes and comments are appreciated, as I quite like how this one turned out :3

And one more thing- it's never too late to get help. Hitting rock bottom isn't a requirement, as I've found out. :3

Dreams

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I don’t really remember what I did last night, save for driving the liquor into me and crying. So when I woke up in the middle of the night, somehow feeling sober, I was a bit confused.

I looked around my bedroom and found nothing out of the ordinary- in fact, it was too ordinary. My room was neat and tidy, not a single thing out of place. You’re telling me I didn’t break a single piece of furniture or drywall in a fit of drunken rage? Something didn’t add up. Looking out the window, the moon was big and bright- bigger than it probably should be.

“You are confused, I presume?” I jumped, turning around and reaching for a gun that wasn’t there. Who else but the Princess of the Night was standing in the middle of my room.

“...Princess Luna? What the hell is this?” I asked her- then it clicked. “This is a dream, isn’t it?” I’ve heard of the fact that Luna could somehow police dreams- but she never entered mine, so I thought it was some sort of collective rumor, brought on by people having similar circumstances.

“Indeed it is.” She then gave me a warm smile. “It is… quite bold to greet one of such standing in such a crude manner.” I just snorted.

“I bow to no crown and pray to no gods.” my expression morphed to one of sadness. “I bowed to a Tiara… but I fucked up. Big time.”

“That is what I wish to speak to you about, actually. Among other things.” Her warm, almost motherly smile never fell. “Twilight Sparkle sent me a letter on behalf of your mother, asking me for my help.” I just tilted my head in confusion.

“So then… why’d it take ya so long?” I asked her.

“Your willpower is quite strong for somepony so young. It was only with great difficulty was I able to pass your threshold. Were you not unconscious and in an utter stupor, I likely never would have made it in.”

“Ah, I see.” I nodded in understanding- then my eyes shot open. “Waitwaitwait, unconscious? Fuck, I hope I passed out on my side.” The princess gave a small giggle.

“Rest assured, that has already been taken care of.” I breathed a sigh of relief.

“Oh, thank god. Also, can you have someone put a bottle of water next to my head and like, half a bottle of aspirin? Oh, and at least a pint bottle of rotgut.”

“The hospital staff will be more than accommodating, I assure you. At least in the first two aspects.” I looked at her blankly for a moment- then sighed in annoyance, leaning my back against the bed and resting my head in my hands. “But worry not- we will get to that eventually.”

“Well… fuck it. I figured that would happen.” I looked up at her, “So, you wanna help me, huh? Good luck with that.” I mean, it’s not like she can just change my brain chemistry.

“Indeed! And I would like to start by addressing the… elephant in the room, as it were. Your tongue?” I blinked twice in confusion, but then nodded in understanding.

THWISH! The princess merely regarded it with a fascinated curiosity, wholly unlike the looks of fear and terror it typically inspires. She poked and prodded at it, presumably taking note of its firmness or something.

“Would you mind moving it around a bit?” I did just that, allowing it to wiggle in the air. She took a look at the pointy end and hummed- then nodded in apparent satisfaction, I slurped it back up.

“As you can see, I can’t speak with that thing out.” She smiled and nodded, wordlessly telling me to keep going. “All I’ve found it could do, I’ve learned by bounty hunting for The Crown.”

I went on to explain what little I knew about this thing and its brain and mind sucking capabilities. Brain Sucker… not a bad name for it.

“Fascinating…” she mumbled to herself, giving me some sense of hope. “Open your mouth, please.” She then used a popsicle stick, presumably summoned within the dream itself, to hold my lower beak open. She then smiled and nodded, so I closed my beak and looked at her with a glimmer of hope.

“That… and I don’t mean this lightly, that is the strangest thing I have ever witnessed. I can definitely see how the stress could cause nightmares, though- in yourself and others.” I facepalmed- a little harder than I probably meant to. “However, one of your companions, Mind’s Eye, has allegedly made a breakthrough- but he’s not telling anypony; even refusing to divulge the information to my guards.” Of course, I know Emmie is about as irreverent to authority as I am, so it checks out.

“Well regardless… the thing seems benign, thus far. I’m not happy with it… It made me into a drunk and… and made me lose one of the few people I cared about.” I looked at the floor, and The princess, surprisingly, giggled at this. “The fuck’s so funny?” I asked, annoyed.

“You shall soon find out the irony in your situation. And besides that- the parasite might not be malignant, but it is hardly benign either.” Before I had time to ponder her meaning, the scene around us began to change.

We were sitting at the pub, all the way in Aderleth. I was sitting with Dee, Emmie, and Heavyweight; There was a bottle of absinthe on the table that was a little over three-quarters empty.

“It truly is amazing,” The princess began, “How advanced the world has become in the treatment and recovery of alcoholism.” I cocked an eyebrow at her.

“How is showing me having a good time gonna help?” She just gave me a wide grin.

“The idea is that you play the tape through, as it were. It’s easy to remember all the good times- but what of the bad times?” she asked, and I paused for a moment. That- was definitely a fair point.

“Additionally, you have expressed the sentiment that your problem has done little harm to others- that the people who want you to stop are controlling, trying to dictate your life.” She gave me a stern look, “Hopefully, this will serve as a reminder as to why it’s always a good idea to think about things from the perspective of another.”

Evidently she was done speaking- and the scene began to play out.

For the sake of retaining sanity, from here on out I will refer to myself in the memories in the third person, while my dreaming consciousness and current thoughts will be referred to in the first person like usual. More or less.

Leona and Heavyweight were both completely fucked. I’m talking totally FUBAR- but surprisingly, she hadn’t passed out yet. She was about to reach for the bottle to sloppily pour out two more shots when Dee grabbed her arm.

“Babe.” her voice was stern, bringing back a flood of painful memories. “You’ve had enough. We’re going home.”

“Ya fug… whaaa?” She could barely talk coherently. “Wha da fuck… fuckssakes…” despite this, she wouldn’t let go of that bottle.

“Jus wann’mo… wann’mo and wer gon home.” Despite her protests, Dee still held onto her arm and began to pull it back- and the bottle knocked over. In her clumsy stupor, Leona accidentally elbowed her on her side and I couldn’t help but cringe.

Thankfully, Emmie was able to alleviate the situation by catching the bottle in his magic before it could spill everywhere. “Well my friend, I think it’s time to take our lovers home for the night.”

Dee was idly rubbing her side when she nodded her head in agreement. “You gonna need help?” She asked, referring to the fact that Heavyweight was quite drunk as well. Emmie just shrugged.

“Maybe… however, I think you have your own problems to work through first.” Dee let out a sigh.

“Yeah… yeah, I do. Well, Leona- can you even walk?” the drunk in question nodded slowly, and gave a sloppy attempt at finding her way out of the booth. She was holding on to the table quite hard- but thankfully, it was bolted to the ground. Finally, she was successfully able to remove herself from the booth-

Thunk! She fell forward and landed flat on her beak.

“Ahfer fuckssakes!” she pulled herself up and impotently kicked the booth with her back paw, mumbling nonsense to herself. Meanwhile- I couldn’t help but rub my beak, as though I was able to feel her pain in the memory.

“Come on, baby. Let’s go.” She stood at Leona’s side and instinctively, she wrapped a wing around her back and started leaning into her. Dee looked towards the bartender- “I’ll be back to pay our tab tomorrow. You know we’re good for it.”

On their way out the door, the scene began to shift by itself. The two were walking the streets of Aderleth, with Leona leaning heavily against Dee for support.

“Ah telyuh… ah luvya, babe.” she had a dopey grin on her face which slowly began to shrink- I noticed she was sweating bullets and immediately recognized what that meant. “Gotta puke.” was all she said before bolting into a nearby alleyway to, presumably, get rid of the contents of the night's debauchery.

Meanwhile, Dee just sighed heavily, rubbing the bridge of her nose with a hoof. I just cringed.

“Not my finest moment…” I mumbled to myself. Without looking at me, the princess responded-

“You haven’t seen the last of it.” Ahhhh… fuck.

The rest of the night, Leona looked like a walking corpse, still leaning into Dee for support. Eventually, we reached the house where she struggled to get Leona up the stairs.

“Fucks sake… She should’ve left my drunk ass downstairs. Might’ve taught me a lesson.” And the princess just giggled.

“Care to hazard a guess as to why she went through all the effort to make sure you woke up in a proper bed?” I just shrugged.

“I dunno… moral obligation?” I never really thought about the situation too hard, now that I think of it.

“It’s because she cares about you deeply.” That… sent a pang through my chest. “Or… at least she did, at this point.” Once again, a lump was forming in my throat. “Keep watching.”

Finally they made it up the stairs, and Dee ushered her into our bedroom. Or rather, what was our bedroom. Without so much as a word, the drunkard just flopped onto the bed, passing the fuck out.

Dee just let out a sigh, clicking the lamp off as she joined her then-lover. Everything went dark, but the scene quickly transitioned to the next morning.

The sun filtered through the window as Dee woke up- completely alone. She had a sad look in her eye- and I couldn’t help but feel confused.

“Wait, if I’m not here, then how am I seeing this memory?” I asked the princess. Again, without looking at me, she responded.

“You are not the only one I have visited tonight.” I cocked an eyebrow at her. Was she in Dee’s head, too?

Meanwhile, Dee made her way over to her writing desk and began to fill out her journal. Though her mouth never moved, her words were still being spoken aloud- almost like we were reading her thoughts directly.

Last night could’ve gone better, I suppose. Leona won her tournament! So naturally, we decided to go out for drinks. Everything was going well- until she challenged Heavyweight to a drinking competition.

I still don’t know what the fuck she was thinking. It came just about out of nowhere, too- Heavyweight was bragging about his strength, so Leona, in her infinite wisdom, decided to challenge him for… some reason?

I swear, I love that hen… but we’re gonna have to have a serious discussion about her drinking. She does it far too often for comfort! Every time she drinks, she has the end goal of getting so drunk she can’t even speak, and who else is there to clean up after her other than me?

Granted, it’s not so bad- it’s not like it’s an every day thing. If it was…

No. I don’t want to think about that.

On an unrelated note- I can’t stand waking up alone… I know it’s weird, but just knowing she’s there makes me feel safe. Gah, it’s just all so ridiculous! I know she’s an adult and can make her own choices… I’m just worried what she’s gonna turn into if she keeps it up.

She’s the love of my life, and I want to marry her someday- but this whole drinking like a lunatic thing needs to stop. The worst part is that normally she’s so caring and considerate of my wants and needs, but when she’s on the liquor, that’s all she can think about.

She let out a heavy sigh and closed her diary- meanwhile, I was struck by heavy pangs of guilt at the whole situation.

“I… never really thought of it like that, to be honest.” I was watching as the scene continued to play out- including her going downstairs to clean up the kitchen. Once again- it was something that never once crossed my mind. “Christ… I never did properly say thanks for that.”

She then took out a piece of paper to write out the note she was gonna leave for me- and little did I know, it went through several iterations.

Hey, Leona. I wanted to talk to you about your drinking. If you wake up before 2 PM, please…

“No, no…” she crumpled that paper before starting over.

Hey, Leona. I wanted to say- I had a wonderful time last night! Until you started drinking, that is…

“No, not that…” she once again started anew.

Hey, love. I-

She then groaned, once again starting over.

Hey, baby! I just wanted to let you know- I’m gonna be going shopping with the girls today, and I had an appointment with my hairstylist. Have a good day! If you’re not too fucked up, best of luck on the hunt! Make sure to remember all the details for me.

“Fuck it, good enough.” she said with a deadpan, dropping the note on the coffee table. She was about to leave when she stopped for a second. Thoughtfully, she went and grabbed a blanket from our room and threw it over where I was sleeping on the couch.

“Sleep well, honey.” she said, planting a kiss on my forehead.

I just buried my head in my hands. “Jesus… I really lost all this… and for what?”

Next, the scene changed to one that I was… vaguely familiar with. A beauty salon- one which Dee frequented. She was sitting in one of those head-drying chairs, with curlers in her bangs as well as hanging off the back of her mane. She was sitting next to a couple of her friends from college- referred to collectively as “the girls.”

I never learned their names, to be honest.

“So, DT-” One of them spoke up, using one of Dee’s other nicknames- “I heard Leona got pretty drunk last night.” She giggled, and Dee sighed.

“Yeah, yeah. Don’t remind me.” She had a look of annoyance on her face. One of the other girls spoke up-

“Again? That’s, what… third time this week?” I cringed internally. It really was the third time that week, wasn’t it?

“Again, you really don’t gotta remind me. But for sure- having to lug her home while she’s drunk is starting to get a little old.” The girls all giggled in unison.

“You oughta start just leaving her behind- teach her a thing or two about responsibility, you know?” I agree.

“What? No! No, I could never do that… tempting as it is. But no, I care about her way too much for that- it’d just feel wrong, you know?” Once again, my overwhelming sense of guilt continued to weigh on me.

“What d’ya see in that girl, anyway?” Dee, surprisingly, smiled.

“Because she’s a wonderful spouse when she’s not drinking.” She already considered me as her spouse? “She’s always there for me when I need her… always so thoughtful and caring… helps around the house as much as she can, cooks for us… and she fucks really good.” She snorted at the last part, and her friends joined her in laughter.

“She gets me in a way that no one else does, and she has that constant determined fire in her eyes- Every second with her, I cherish… but only when she’s not drinking!” She let out a heavy sigh. “It’s exhausting.” After that, another friend spoke up.

“Yeah, so was Shelley’s husband- and look what happened when he started on the liquor.” Dee just scoffed in response.

“Oh please, I doubt Leona will become abusive- more neglectful, if anything else.”

“That’s still borderline abuse. I mean, what kind of relationship is that?” A girl spoke up.

“Not a very good one, I’ll tell you that for fucking free.” another one said in reply. I think I recognized this one- she got divorced recently, if I recall.

Meanwhile, I couldn’t help but feel a sort of outrage. “Me? Neglectful? Is she fucking serious?” I asked no one in particular.

“Evidently, you haven’t looked in the mirror as of late.” Princess Luna said with a deadpan. “But fret not! That is what I’m here for, after all.” Before I could ask her to elaborate, the scene changed.

“First, we’ll start by taking a look at how you are when sober.”

We were back in the living room- Dee was sitting on the couch reading a book when she heard me yell “Dee, I’m home!” I immediately recognized the context, but with an added bonus- I could hear Dee’s exact thoughts.

Okay, you can do this. Just talk to her- let her know how I feel about her drinking. Leona went up and nuzzled her cheek.

“I got us dinner reservations tonight!” Her eyes widened- and her thoughts played out. Dinner? Tonight? Really?

“Oh? Where at?” she asked, thinking But I wanted to have that talk tonight…

“You’ll see. First things first, I gotta shower.” Before Dee could even get a word in, her partner was gone.

She just sighed in defeat. I guess it can wait until after.

The scene skipped a little- Dee was wearing her dress and I was wearing my hat and frock coat.

“After you, darling.” Leona held the door open- and Dee gasped when she saw what awaited her.

See, I never went into detail in my journal about how our date went- I never even mentioned the carriage which I hired to take us to the restaurant. It was nothing too fancy- but it was a carriage!

I smiled looking at how Dee’s eyes lit up. The driver held the door open and the lovely couple got comfortable in their seat. They were leaning up against each other, looking happy as can be.

It was a wonderful memory. Then I heard Dee’s voice in my head again, this time much louder and more recent than this scene.

“The wedding’s off, Leona!” It was like a lightning strike in the middle of a quiet field of flowers- and served as a painful reminder of what I lost.

“Keep that pain in your heart. It will provide a stark contrast as to what has yet to come.” Luna spoke up and I just sighed.

The night went on, and I was forced to watch as past me and my love were just sitting next to each other, enjoying each other's warmth and company. Every once in awhile, Leona would sneak in a quick nuzzle and Dee would giggle and blush.

“Your hair looks fantastic tonight, baby.” ‘I’ said to Dee.

“Oh, thanks honey.” I replied with a giggle,

“You really know how to make a girl feel jealous with your looks, you know that?” Dee rolled her eyes in response.

“Oh, knock that off! You’re the most beautiful gal in my life, and if you try to disagree, then I’m gonna-” She gave Leona a mock glare, waving a hoof in the air- “Kiss you on the beak so you stop talking.” she said, proceeding to do that anyway. Dee broke the kiss, and Leona spoke up with a smirk-

“Oh, please. You only love me because I indulge your sick, depraved feti-” I was interrupted, once again, by Dee planting her lips to my beak. She was blushing as she glared at her partner.

“Seriously, stop that. You’re smart, funny, caring, and beautiful! And it honestly hurts a little to hear you deny that fact. It’s like… I dunno, it just makes us feel less… valid? If that makes sense.”

“...Ah, geez, I’m sorry.” Leona sheepishly apologized, “Guess I never really thought of it like that.” She moved to pull Dee in for a hug.

“It’s alright, just… Well, just stop doing that.” she said with a giggle.

Eventually, we made it to the restaurant where I was forced to rewatch all the adorable moments I’d likely never have the chance to experience again. The feeling was bittersweet, to say the least.

Then came the time when I finally proposed to her- and I couldn’t bear to watch.

“Keep looking, Leona. Watch closely, and know what you lost.” She spoke in a stern voice that dredged up bad memories. What else could I do?

“You know… we’ve been together, what, three years now?” As much as I wanted to, I couldn’t look away. How could I?

“And you know, I’ve enjoyed our time together. You get me in a way no one else really can. I love you. I guess what I’m trying to ask is…” I watched myself pull a small wooden box out of my coat- and just then, I could hear Dee’s thoughts aloud.

No… no way this is happening. Despite the denial, she sounded quite excited.

“Diamond Tiara… I want you by my side, come hell or high water.” The box popped open, and Dee stood there in stunned silence.

But… but what about that conversation we were gonna have? She appeared to be asking herself, I suppose. I just… just… fuck it.

“I… y-yes. Yes, yes!” she launched forward and wrapped her arms around me, and I did the same with my wings. “Yes!”

Tears formed in my eyes as the scene began to shift once more. We were in our bedroom- apparently, not too long after we had our fun that night. Honestly, I’d almost forgotten the conversation we had then.

We were cuddled against each other; I had both my wings wrapped around her and she had her hooves wrapped around me. We both had dopey smiles on our faces and faint blushes; topping off the look, her mane and my head crest were both quite messy and disheveled.

Speaking of topping, Dee was the first to break the blissful silence.

“I had… such an amazing time tonight.” she almost sounded drunk from the pleasure and exhaustion. “Best. Night. Ever.” I couldn’t help but chuckle.

“Glad ta’ hear it.” Despite our slurring, we were both 100 percent sober- that glass of wine we each had with our dinners was so low in alcohol, that the one glass I drank didn’t do a thing to me. My voice sounded a bit hoarse though, on account of the choki- uh…

Nevermind. We just had good, clean sex in the proper Christian missionary position, yessir. Totally. Definitely, there was no extreme sado-masochism going on here.

“You know the best part?” Dee said, and I hummed in response. “We were both sober.” at the time, I just cocked an eyebrow in confusion.

“And jus’ what the hell’s that supposed to mean?” Maybe it was because I was tired at the time, or perhaps I was still absentmindedly basking in the afterglow- but I never noticed Dee’s sighing and dejected look until now.

“Nevermind… good night, honey. I love you.”

“I love you too, baby. With all my heart.” I couldn’t help but smile- but of course, we just can’t have nice things. Once again, a voice from my memory echoed all through my head.

“I fucking will if you go behind my back. I will cancel our wedding the day of and I’ll never want to see you again.” From when she first threatened to leave.

I shook my head. “God… why didn’t I just fucking listen?” my voice began to crack faintly.

The Princess tapped her hoof on the ground twice, getting my attention.

“Now, let us do some… comparing and contrasting.” I just shook my head.

“No… no, I don’t-” The next scenes went by at a rapid pace- scenes of me being a drunken fool at the expense of the love of my life.

First was when I was still drinking openly. They all shared the same theme- me being drunk and disorderly in public while Dee attempted to get me home safe. Everytime she would suggest that I stop, I would give her a snarky comment or flat out ignore her.

I felt awful- and it only got worse from there.

When I quit drinking during the day- god, I was such a fucking miserable bastard. I noticed just how cold and distant I had been- when normally, I’d wanna smile just from being with her.

It was… a harrowing scene that morning when I was passed out in the alley. She’d woken up in my bed, alone. She was quite sad- but when she went downstairs and realized I wasn’t there, she damn near got herself worked up into a panic attack wondering where I went.

And of course, what hurt the most, was witnessing the final week or so of our relationship. All the lying, all the bullshit- and for what? And come to think about it, what did I really expect from all that nonsense? Surely, I knew I couldn’t keep that secret up forever?

Just when I thought I could hold it together- the final confrontation happened; and I couldn’t hold the tears back anymore.

I was just sobbing into my hands as those words played over and over in my head.

“W-what was the p-point of all this? To remind me how much of a piece of shit I am? Like I don’t already fucking know!?” I was… angry at the princess. Mainly because I felt like I couldn’t project my emotions onto anything- or anyone- else.

“Tell me, Leona. What is your take away from all this?” She asked, and I threw my arms wide.

“I don’t fucking know! That I’m a drunk bastard? That I drove away the woman who mattered the most to me without even realizing why at the time? That I wound up in the hospital and that no one loves me? That the woman who was gonna be my wife fucking hates me now?” The princess still gave me a stern look- my focus was entirely on her.

“Then let me ask you this; given the chance to do it over again, would you? Would you change for the better?”

“Fuckin… What kind of question is that? Yes, I fucking would! I would absolutely change how I was acting in a fucking heartbeat.” I groaned and rolled my eyes. “But I can’t fucking do that, now can I?” At least, I wasn’t gonna try my chances at being reincarnated a second time.

“Indeed, that is the case. Now, I ask; what will you do when you wake up?” I just blinked twice in response.

“I’m giving up the booze, for real this time.” And I was truly serious as well. “I’m ready to quit- even if it’s gonna be hard… well, at least I have Mamma left.”

“Furthermore- If Miss Tiara were here right now, what would you tell her?” I swallowed a lump in my throat.

“I… I’d tell her that I’m quitting drinking. And that I was sorry for the way I was acting… so fucking sorry…” I sniffled, “Then she’d understandably tell me to fuck off because of my track record of being a lying cunt… And then… and then I’d thank her.” The princess cocked an eyebrow at this.

“I’d thank her for being there with me, for sticking around for as long as she did, for trying her best to make me become a better person, for making the last three years of my life the best ever…” I just sank to my haunches, sobbing with my head buried in my hands. All I could bring myself to do was mutter- “I’m sorry… so, so sorry.”

Then- I felt something that made me confused. Two regular- sized hooves grabbed my shoulders. I looked up.

“It’s alright, honey.” I looked into Dee’s wonderfully blue eyes and noticed her soft smile. I blinked away tears. “I forgive you.” Sensing my confusion, the princess spoke up.

“I haven’t been entirely honest with you, Leona.” She gave me a smile. “We’re not actually in your head. Miss Tiara? Would you care to explain what happened?” I honestly felt my heart skip a beat.

“So wait… does that mean-”

“Yes. I’m as real as I can get.” She pulled me in for a tight hug. “Just let it out- we got time.”

So, I just sat there, crying over her shoulder and babbling out barely-legible I’m sorry’s.

Eventually, I was able to calm myself down.

“So… what happened?” I asked, almost afraid of the answer. “And… and why were you so quick to forgive me? What if I was lying?” I asked her, and she chuckled.

“That would have been my assumption… but you’ve already proved just how much you regret everything- whether you remember it or not. Lemme show you.”

The scene transitioned and we were in my living room. Mamma was just sitting on the couch, head in her arms when she heard the door knocking.

Who else but Diamond Tiara was at the door.

“Hello, Miss Grimfeather. Is… is Leona here? I want to talk to her.” Mamma glanced up the stairs briefly.

“You can try… but I wouldn’t recommend it. She won’t even talk to me- and more than likely, she’s probably too drunk to speak.” Dee just sighed.

“Mind if I come in, then? I… I want to try.” Mamma stepped to the side wordlessly as Dee made her way up the stairs. I followed, and saw her knocking on my door.

“Leona? Leona, it’s me… are you alright?”

“Mgo’way.”

“Leona, please… tell me you’re alright?” there was a particular sadness in her voice that hurt to hear.

“Ahdun… dunwa- dunwa see… me-gin.” I could hardly understand a word I was saying. Dee sighed.

“Well… I’ll be waiting here for when you sober up. I… I really want to talk to you. Sober.”

I didn’t even grace her with an answer- presumably, I passed the fuck out.

She sighed dejectedly as she went back downstairs. Just as she was about to leave, Mamma spoke up.

“If you want to stay and talk, I’d be more than happy to.” Dee paused briefly before sighing.

“Yeah… Yeah, I would like that.” She turned around and sat down on the living room chair. After a few seconds of silence, Mamma spoke up.

“You mean the world to her, you know.”

“I know, but… I feel the same way, and yet… I don’t know… I feel so betrayed.” Mamma nodded.

“I understand. You have every right to be upset about it.” Dee groaned in response.

“So why do I feel so bad, then!?” her voice began to crack. “Before she started drinking, she was… such a wonderful, caring spouse, and I… she was always there when I needed her! She said that she wants me to be by her side, come hell or high water… but ever since the liquor, she’s grown so cold and distant that I’m not sure if she’s the same person anymore!” She began to rub her temple with a hoof. “I just don’t know what to do…”

After a few moments, Mamma spoke up. “Honey, I wish there was a single, solid answer I can give you, but there’s just not. I will say this, though- I’m gonna try and be by her side, no matter what. I’d like for you to do the same, but ultimately, that’s your choice.” Dee sighed deeply.

“Do… do you think there’s a way to fix this? To get the old Leona back?” Mamma shrugged.

“It depends whether or not she’s learned her lesson. I don’t know what happened between you two earlier, and I’m not sure if I want to know the details.” Mamma gave a warm, nostalgic smile. “I’ve known Leona her whole life. If she didn’t learn anything, then she’ll eventually find an enabler. But if she realizes what she did wrong? I’m willing to bet she’ll do anything to try and win you back- whether you want her to or not.”

“Fucking right I would.” I muttered, and Dee shushed me.

“You… seem to know quite a lot about this stuff, Miss Grimfeather.” Mamma snorted, to my surprise.

“Oh for fucks sake, just call me Amelia.” She gave Dee a warm smile- “And of course I do- I was raised by an alcoholic. I know the struggles.” Her expression fell slightly. “They either learn to live without the booze… or they die. That’s all there is to it. But you know the difference between my Gramma and Leona?” She asked, and I myself was curious.

“Gramma had no one in her life who would even try to stop her. I felt helpless and all her friends were enablers. And if those friends sobered up? She’d leave them and find new friends.

“It’s your choice what you do… but I think we could help her out of this. It might take time, and she might resist at first… But I think-”

BANG!

The silence weighed heavily in the room- a literal deafening silence. You could’ve heard a fly landing if you wanted. A chill ran up my spine as I took in their expressions- looks of abject horror and fear as it slowly dawned on them just what could’ve made that noise. I couldn’t help but hold a hand to my beak in shock.

Dee was the first to get up. “LEONA!” She bolted up the stairs and Mamma followed- and she literally bucked the door down.

The scene was… harrowing, if not confusing.

There was a bullet hole in my roof and the smell of sulfur hung thick in the air. In my right hand was one of my pistols and I seemed to be struggling; As though a twisted turn of events, the parasite was wrapped around my wrist- preventing me from bringing the pistol any closer to my head.

“Holy Christ…” I mumbled aloud. In the memory I was mumbling incoherently, writhing around on the floor as Dee sprinted and yanked the gun out of my hand. Since that danger was gone, the parasite went back into my mouth, all on its own accord.

I was saved by the very thing that caused my drinking to ramp up to the degree it did.

What. The. Fuck.

“Leona, what the fuck are you doing!?” she yelled, grabbing onto my shoulders. I just kept babbling incoherent nonsense, which began to slow. “Leona…” She pulled me in for a hug and I rested my chin on her shoulder. “We’re gonna make it through this, okay? We’re gonna help you whether you fucking want it or not.”

“MM… Mkyer…” was all I could say, apparently.

Dee turned to Mamma- “Go get an ambulance.” she nodded sternly as she ran down the stairs.

Then she grabbed me by my shoulders and looked me in the eyes. “Leona. Leona, look at me.” Despite being heroically drunk, my eyes moved to hers. “I don’t know if you can hear this, but you are going to make it. Everything will be okay.” Just then- the faintest smile appeared on my- or rather, her- beak.

Then my eyes rolled back.

“No, no, stay with me! DO NOT fall asleep!” my body went limp and collapsed into her arms. “No.. no please, don’t be… don’t be dead, please!” Her voice cracked terribly.

The scene faded, and I was left standing wide eyed and my beak halfway to the floor.

“You might wanna close your mouth. You’ll catch a louse that way.” Dee spoke up with a giggle. I closed my beak, but didn’t even grace her with a proper response.

“What. The. Fuck.” was the only thing I could bring myself to say. “Did I… Holy fuck, I really did try to blow my brains out. The fuck.” Not only was I feeling guilty- I also felt disgusted at that fact. “And the louse… the louse saved me!” I was just sitting on my haunches, looking at the ground when Dee gave me a hug from the side.

“Now do you see what I meant? About why I believed you?” I just nodded slowly, still having trouble processing the whole thing.

The situation was so absurd that for the first time in ages- I couldn’t help but laugh.

“Oh, whatever.” I nervously glanced towards Dee. “So does that mean-” but she answered my question before I could continue.

“Wedding’s still off.”

My smile shrank immensely and I looked off to the side. “I… I understand.”

“But.” My eyes shot open and I regarded her with a smile. “If you can promise me that you’ll stay off the booze… for real this time… then we’ll have the wedding next year.” She then gave me a glare. “I fucking mean it! If I catch you going behind my back like you did, I will shoot you myself. Am I clear?”

Not even gonna lie- she scared me a little. I know she doesn’t have fingers- but I don’t doubt that she’d find some way to pull the trigger. I just nodded rapidly.

“I promise, baby. I promise to stay off the booze… and to be a more considerate person overall.” To the best of my abilities, that is. Dee smiled, and grabbed my hand with her hoof.

“You’re not gonna be doing it alone. We’re all gonna help you.” I gave her a nuzzle on the cheek.

“And that’s all I could ask for…” That all said and done, I had a brief thought. “So… we’re in a sort of shared lucid dream, correct?” I looked towards the princess, and she nodded slowly.

I gave my girlfriend a sultry grin- then gestured over to Luna. “You think you could… leave us for a bit?” Luna just gave me a blank, almost annoyed look.

“Perhaps you should extend your promises of consideration to the ponies responsible for washing the hospital linens, hmmm?” I blushed, realizing that she had a fucking point. Dee just laughed. “And besides- you’re waking up, now.”

She gave me a smile and disappeared- then everything went white.

Friend Of The Devil

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When I finally awoke, it was to the sound of a heartbeat monitor beeping. I took a deep breath and slowly opened my eyes- looking out the window from my bed, it looked like the start of a new day- figuratively and literally.

Slowly, I sat up with a faint grin on my beak. Briefly, I wondered how long I had actually been out- But the fact that there’s not a catheter between my legs tells me that it couldn’t have been that long. A drip feed IV was attached to my arm, and the room smelled faintly of antiseptic.

On an unrelated note, I’m so unbelievably glad that Equus not only knows and understands germ theory- but also has antibiotics and the like. Seriously, imagine if they believed in miasma theory- or even worse, that four humors nonsense. But I digress.

After a few moments, one of the nurses walked in- a scarlet red pony with her mane tied up in a bun.

“Mornin’, Miss. Begonia!” Good ol’ Scarlet Begonia- I haven’t seen her in a hot minute. Shit- I think the last time was when I was 15 and broke my arm playing buckball. She regarded me with a smile.

“Good morning, Leona. I’m just here to run a few tests, if you don’t mind.” I just smiled and nodded. She got to work, putting a cuff around my arm to check my blood pressure. “You oughta be more careful! The doctor said you had a blood alcohol level of 0.35!”

God damn! That’s a new record for me- one which I had no intention of trying to top. Holy fuck.

“Shit, you probably could’ve used my blood as a firestarter.” The nurse just gave me a giggle in response. She was about to open her mouth to say something when there was a knock at my door. “Door’s unlocked.” I yelled towards them.

Two guards stepped through the door, followed by-

“Princess Luna!” The nurse damn near face planted trying to bow to her princess. It was pretty funny, to be honest. I merely nodded in greeting.

“You may rise, good citizen.” She came off as quite regal- which is about what I’d expect. “Finish up what you are doing, if you would. I wish to speak to Leona in private.” The nurse quickly nodded, finishing taking my vitals and leaving, shutting the door behind her.

“Hello again.” Was all I said. “I truly am grateful for how much you helped me last night. That said- what’s this about?” I put it as bluntly as possible- and the princess just smirked. She waved her hoof and dismissed her guards, leaving the two of us alone.

“You are… quite bold, for not bowing down.” She approached my bed slowly. “In the days of yore, when Equestria was young, refusing to bow would’ve gotten you thrown in a dungeon for treason.” Despite her ominous tone, her smile never shrank.

“People don’t much like tyrants- who would’ve guessed. Let’s cut to the chase- what you want from me?” I truly was grateful for how she helped me- but nevertheless, I refused to treat her like a God-Princess.

“I come bearing a… warning, of sorts.” Her facial expression morphed into one of seriousness, and I cocked an eyebrow. “First things first- your louse.”

“Well, what about it?” I asked her, growing tired of her bullshit.

“I’ve read a report from last night- describing an assault and battery attempt on one Scootaloo-”

“Hold on, lemme stop you right there.” I interrupted her, causing her to cock an eyebrow back at me. “I ain’t saying nothin without a lawyer, capische?” The princess blinked, then shook her head.

“As I was saying… She chose not to press charges, mainly out of fear, if her night terrors are anything to go by. You may consider yourself lucky in that regard.”

“Tell her to try liquor- it definitely helps for dealing with nightmares.” I smirked and the princess rolled her eyes.

“However- continued abuse of your newfound abilities will be met with dire consequences. Consider this your only warning.” I just snorted in response.

“Define abuse.” She just gave me a glare.

“You know full well what I mean. Under no circumstances do I wish to hear about you using your abilities on an innocent pony. And while you may bow to no rulers- you still serve under the crown as an independent citizen. Whatever I decree is law in these… circumstantial matters.

“Furthermore… I know not what you are planning in the far future- but take heed. Whatever your future endeavors may hold, pray we never meet on the battlefield.” And without another word and a smug grin, she left.

That was… ominous, to say the least. I had to wonder- how much does she really know? I didn’t know the answer, and I found that to be quite disturbing.

Best I could do is hope that she’ll stay out of my head.

I was dismissed from the hospital not long after that, and smiled when I saw who was waiting for me in the lobby.

“Baby!” I yelled, rushing forward and damn near throwing myself at my girlfriend. She gave me a warm smile and kissed me on the cheek.

“Glad to see you’re alright, honey.” She said- I couldn’t be happier to hear her voice. Even though I was with her in that shared dream, it was still so wonderful to have her there physically.

“I’m so fucking glad to see you.” was all I could say, with my face buried in her shoulder.

“I missed you too, baby.” She said, and I finally pulled back and nuzzled her cheek. “Let’s head back to the house. Your Mamma misses you, too.” I smiled and nodded.

As we made our way back to the house, I noticed all the odd looks we were getting- People looking at us with disdain, fear, disgust… It kind of made me nervous.

“If you’re worried about the word of your louse spreading too far, I wouldn’t.” Dee spoke up, and I cocked an eyebrow. “Most decent people don’t lend much credence to small town rumors and hearsay.”

I smiled at her. “I appreciate the confidence, babe.” I knew my reputation in this town was fucked beyond repair in this town.

I was… fine with that, really.

As we were walking home, we passed the liquor store and I got an odd sensation in my gut. It was like a feeling of butterflies, or my heart skipping a beat; I didn’t know how to explain it, but as usual, my love seemed to have the answers.

“I did a little research while you were out.” She started, “What you’re feeling right now is just cravings, probably triggered by seeing something familiar like that. They’ll pass with time- you just have to make sure not to act on them.” I blinked twice.

“Huh… fascinating.” I thought about it for a second. “How… how do I just ignore them?” my girlfriend chuckled.

“You did just now, didn’t you? And let me ask you this-” she stopped and stood in front of me. “Do you feel like you want to get drunk? I mean, if I held a bottle in my hand, would you take it?” Honestly? I had to think about it, as crazy as it sounds. One part of my brain was saying Hell yeah, take a drink! You’ve earned it!

On the other hand… “No. No, I wouldn’t.” Dee smiled and gave me a peck on the cheek.

“I told you, babe- I’m going to help you whether you want it or not. Whenever you get cravings, I want you to write them down. I think I have a method to… discourage you from acting on them.” I blinked twice in confusion. “It’s a surprise, though. You’ll see.”

She had a smug grin on her face that I did not like. If I knew what was coming, or perhaps what wasn’t coming- I might’ve gotten back on the booze. Well, not really- but you get the idea.

Anyways- we finally made it back to the house, and Mamma tackled me with a hug. She squeezed me just a little too tight, actually.

“Mamma…” I wheezed out, “Can’t breathe!” she let me go with a wide grin and I sucked in a deep gasp of air.

“I missed you too… fuck, I’m feeling a bit lightheaded, mind if we sat down?” I joked with a smile, making my way to the couch. We all sat together- I was in the middle, Dee was to my right, and Mamma to my left, wrapping a wing around Dee and I. It was a tight fit- but it was wonderful.

The next while was spent chatting, with occasional bouts of apology from me. Dee would tell me that it’s alright and that she would help me no matter what, and Mamma reassured me that I still held the title of best daughter ever.

God, I love them so fucking much.

Soon, however, there was a knock at the door. I volunteered to answer- and smiled at who it was.

“Emmie, my man!” I pulled him in for a hug. “Glad you could make it!” I gestured him to take a seat and he chuckled. Unfortunately, there wasn’t any room left for him on the couch, so he took the recliner instead.

“You’re Mind’s Eye?” Mamma spoke up and greeted him with a handshake. “I’m Amelia- if you haven’t guessed by now, I’m Leona’s mother. Wonderful to meet you!”

Emmie gave a mock look of surprise. “Really? No! I thought you were Leona’s body decoy.” Him and I shared a laugh and Mamma rolled her eyes. “Wonderful to meet you as well, Amelia.”

“Glad to see you share my daughter’s macabre sense of humor. She’s said a lot of good things about you.”

“And some of them might even be true!” We all shared a laugh, and I was thinking just how much I missed this mad cyclops. “You’ll not believe how difficult it was to find you! The ponies in this town were quite dismissive everytime I asked where you were- and some even regarded me with disgust!” Emmie spoke, and I cringed in response.

“Yeah… about that-” I began to fill him in on the events from this past month; from the unrestrained boozing, to the lying, to the parasite saving me, to the dream with Dee and Luna… It felt nice, really. Like a church confessional- it felt like a heavy weight was taken off my shoulders. Emmie listened without interrupting, but gave me several looks of empathy. “So anyways- wedding’s off, for now. I’m sorry to disappoint.” I had a grim look on my face, understandably.

“Well… where do I start?” He put a hoof to his chin. “Well… glad to hear you both made up! And what you said about the louse does appear to line up with what I’ve figured out so far.”

I cocked an eyebrow in surprise. “Well… tell me more, then.” He smiled and nodded.

“So from what I’ve found out, that tomb we were in? Well, I realized why it all seemed so familiar to me! It’s because I’ve read about it before! In an old text called the Unaussprechlichen Kulten-” apparently he noticed out looks of confusion. “It’s ancient Germane for Unspeakable Cults. Anyways- this ancient cult worshiped some deity known as The King in Yellow- and until recently, that’s all we knew. But! One of our researchers accidentally broke into another chamber!” My eyes widened.

“Just so we’re clear, I refuse to go back. I don’t care if there’s an entire undead army to fight, the answer is a resounding fuck no.” Mamma pulled me in tight, sensing my rising fear at the mere mention of that cursed place.

“No, no! I would never ask that, and if anypony told me to ask you for help, I’d tell them to fuck off on your behalf.” I couldn’t help but smile. He really gets me. “But anyways, we found several ancient scrolls and manuscripts! We haven’t deciphered them all, but from what we can tell, they considered the parasites to be a gift of sorts from this strange deity!”

Surprisingly, Mamma spoke up. “This King in Yellow… is he real?” Emmie just shrugged.

“No idea. But from what we can tell, the cult was driven into obscurity by neighboring tribes, and eventually killed off entirely. Until now, the only record we had of their existence was in that book. But what we learned the most about was the parasite itself!” We were all listening intently, wondering just what this madlad had figured out.

“It’s not just an ordinary louse, as we’ve already established… It’s technically not even a louse, but I digress. What it is, though, is intelligent- potentially even capable of higher thought and reasoning! Leona, you proved this directly when-” Mamma glared at Emmie, and he glanced to the side nervously. “Well, anyways… I want to try something, if you don’t mind. Trust me.”

He pulled a hip flask out of his vest pocket and took a deep swig. My heart skipped a beat, and the two other women in the room gasped. I swallowed some spit which had gathered in my mouth nervously.

“Trust me.” he said, using his magic to float the flask my way with a mad grin. I began to shake slightly.

“Leona, baby… remember what we talked about?” Dee said as I began to reach for the flask slowly, fingers trembling fiercely. My head felt like radio static.

“Leona, don’t!” Mamma’s pleas felt on deaf ears. Just one little sip… just one sip, and I’ll put it down. I can drink like a normal person! I can quit whenever I want, I can pace myself!

Just as I was about to touch the flask- SWISH!

The louse’s arm shot out of my beak, wrapping itself around the flask and launching it to the side. It hit the wall with a thud and I slurped the tongue back into my mouth.

“WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!?” Dee got up and slapped him on the cheek, hard. Emmie just cackled like a mad scientist.

“Wait wait, baby, look!” I pointed to the opened flask- and not a single drop had graced the floor. I picked it up and turned it upside down. “It was empty the whole time!” I joined Emmie in his mad laughter- he was laughing because his theory was proven correct. I was laughing because the revelation that there was an intelligent, symbiotic creature living inside my mouth was almost too much to handle.

Coupled with the odd adrenaline rush from thinking that I was gonna have a drink… yeah.

This shit’s fucked.

“It worked!” Emmie yelled, and I decided to sit back on the couch. I leaned into Mamma wearily and she wrapped a wing around me.

“It’s gonna be alright, baby.” she assured me, “Now we know for sure it doesn’t want to hurt you.”

Dee was still glaring at Emmie and I decided to speak up.

“Alright, alright, everyone calm the fuck down.” Emmie was still giggling and I yelled “SHUT UP!”

Everyone clamped their mouths shut after that and I took in a deep breath.

“Okay… Okay, I think I’m good, now.” I looked over to Emmie. “Alright, point proven. What else do you know?”

“So far? Not a whole lot. We don’t know why all the corpses had their tongues removed, or why their brains were full of eyeballs, or even why one of the louse’s was left alive after all this time. My current theory is that their tombs were raided by the other tribes and they had their tongues cut out of their corpses, probably out of fear… but that’s just an educated guess. But the bottom line is the fact that this thing seems safe, and at best wishes to protect you.”

I breathed a sigh of relief. “That’s excellent to hear. Shit, the fact that it was smart enough to knock the flask away all on its own… well, guess I’m stuck with it regardless.” I gave him a smile. “Thank you, really. It means a lot that you’re going to such lengths for my sake.”

He just gave me a shrug and a warm smile. “I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t partially doing it to quench my thirst for knowledge- but primarily I wanted to know if you’d be safe. You’re a close friend- and I hate to see something bad happen to you, you know?”

I smiled, hopping off the couch and pulling him in for a hug. “You’re the best, man. Seriously.”

Then my stomach rumbled, completely throwing the vibe off. Mamma giggled at my expense and I blushed.

“You know, I can’t remember the last time I ate. Let’s go get somethin’ to eat.”

And so we did. We all spent the rest of the evening just chilling with each other and talking- about life, about school, about the world. Just smalltalk, really. It was a nice change of pace, all things considered. At some point, Dee apologized to Emmie for slapping him earlier, and they both hugged it out.

That night, Mamma allowed Emmie to sleep on the couch, and the next day I said my heartfelt goodbyes to Mamma… for now at least.

I fully intended to marry Dee- I felt confident that I could stay off the booze, especially since I have an intelligent parasite to help with that.

The train ride back to Aderleth was uneventful- but when Dee and I got back to the house, she wanted to try something special.

She made me put on those stockings she loves so much and tied my arms to the bedpost. That night, I found several uses for my parasite- since we found out that it was safe, well… Dee was less averse to trying new things with it.

After a while, between the cute sounds she was making, as well as a certain vibrating device between my legs, I felt like a volcano about to go off!

…

Then she pressed a button- the vibrating stopped and my heart sank.

“B-babe, wha-” She laughed heartily at me.

“Did you really think you’d be able to get off without punishment?” My pupils shrank and I whimpered pathetically.

“You… you can’t do this to me!” I whined out, but my pleas fell on deaf ears. I growled and stretched my tongue- it had quite a long reach. Even if I couldn’t use my hands, I had other methods!

“Oh no you don’t!” Unfortunately, I failed to notice the riding crop rapidly approaching my asscheeks. SMACK!

“You will not cum until I give you permission to!” I slurped my tongue back up and whined impotently, my entire face burning red and my asscheeks stinging. “Beg for me! Beg for your Empress to finish you off!”

God, words can’t describe how much I love this woman.

That was an intense game of chess we played that night, let me tell you.

Yep. We were having good, clean fun that night that involved nothing sexual whatsoever. If you thought we were doing something as sinful and degenerate as premarital sex, well, get your mind out of the gutter!

Totally! It's all out of context!

White Wedding

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It was an odd feeling, really. First thing- the King in Yellow, a fictional god from a book I read on earth, was at some point an actual symbol of worship amongst an ancient cult.

Second- I had a symbiotic parasite living in my mouth which saved my life and is my backup if I ever get close to getting back on the booze.

And all the meanwhile, I was beginning to prepare for a war which was yet far on the horizon.

Since this was out last year of college, I was working on making the mass production of firearms a potential reality.

For our main battle rifle, I decided to go for a standard American pattern but with an arquebus-like “stick stock.” For maximum accuracy, it would be a long rifle and for aiming purposes, they would be balanced off a fork-shaped monopod which would get staked into the ground. This way, soldiers would simply fire while sitting on their haunches, and for reloading they would just hover off the ground slightly- moving them out of the way for the troops which would fire another volley behind them.

Briefly, I considered emulating a sort of Hall rifle-like breech loading system, but ultimately decided against it. Since we were starting from scratch here, I figured that it wouldn’t be worth the complexity, the time, or the cost to manufacture.

The way I have it planned is that the main infantry griffons will be armed with a rifle with a detachable bayonet, firing volleys from an advantageous position. They will also each be armed with cutlasses, for if things start getting sketchy.

The mass production would be built on the principle of interchangeable parts, using a series of specially made machinery consisting of presses, dies, lathes, molds, and woodcutting equipment. Unlike my own personal handguns, these were designed with no beauty in mind. As many parts as I could get away with would be made of molded brass, the stock would be varnished with simple linseed oil, and the barrels and metal parts would only be manufactured using a simple bluing method.

As a side note- gunmetal is NOT GRAY! It is BRASS! I don’t know why that distinction bothers me.

There would also be my Stormtroopers. They would be armed with blunderbusses, knives, cutlasses, molotov cocktails, heavy armor, Pervitin (maybe), and… a surprise!

And in fact, I was testing that surprise in the lab today!

I was with Emmie, too. He still seems so intent on following me on my eventual trip back to The Confederacy- so I figured I’d fill him in on my general plan. We also had a random stray dog with us for testing purposes, and each of us had a mask. The lab door was shut, and we both took a seat on stools next to one of the counters.

“Alright, Emmie. What you are about to witness is potentially one of the most terrifying weapons to ever grace this planet. I fully intend to use it to my advantage.” I gave him a dark grin, and he cocked an eyebrow. “Today, I will redefine the meaning of the phrase war crime.”

“Well… what is it?” He asked. Thankfully, the lab was clear- I’d personally made sure that everyone and their mother knew that I needed the lab in private today, and had even posted signs on the door warning of potential danger.

“You’ll see. Put your mask on, and make sure it’s tight!” It was a mask that strapped to the face, covering your eyes, nose, and mouth. The large filter canisters and round glass viewports almost gave us an uncanny valley kind of look that would definitely inspire fear in a more primitive populace.

“Ready?” I asked, voice heavily muffled by the filter. Emmie just nodded.

The mongrel dog was just walking around the lab idly, not a care in the world. I pulled a metal canister out of my bag and turned the valve.

The effects were instant- the room began to fill up with a pale green gas originating from the canister. Once there was a sufficient amount of gas hanging in the air, I shut the valve and waited- though I didn’t have to wait for long. The stray nearly instantly started breathing the toxic gas in, barking and whining madly as it pawed at its eyes which were slowly being burned, and began hacking up a thick, pink sputum.

Soon, it fell- and was left on the ground as a wheezing, dying beast,

“As you can see, the gas reacts with water in its eyes and lungs-” I said, though my voice was heavily muffled by the gas mask, “Converting it into hydrochloric acid and destroying the tissue around it.”

I couldn’t see Emmie’s face, so his reaction was anyone's guess. “It’s called chlorine gas, and I absolutely plan to eventually use it on other living beings.” I flicked a switch on the wall, and the fans turned on- sucking all the toxic gas out of the room into the atmosphere above. It’ll… probably be fine. In fact it was snowing outside- so I’m thinking that the chlorine should bind to the snowflakes in the air, creating acid snow.

Like I said, probably fine. I took my mask off and took in a breath of the nice, fresh air once the room was clear. I gave Emmie a smirk.

“So- what ya think?” I asked him. Slowly, he pulled his mask off- revealing a mad grin across his features.

“I think you’re batshit crazy. Alright, spill it- what’s this all for?” He asked, and I chuckled. I flung the almost dead mutt over my back and gestured for him to follow me.

“I’ll explain when we’re somewhere more private. Come on- I’m just gonna chuck this in the harbor, then we’ll head back to my place.” I gave him a smile, “I’ll make us some hot chocolate or somethin’.”

And so, we made our way to the harbor, making smalltalk and enjoying the snowy weather along the way. It was a late winter's evening- and the town felt so wonderfully serene. Unfortunately, something would soon break that serenity once we reached the harbor.

“Mind’s Eye? Leona?” I heard the gruff voice of Heavyweight nearby. “What’re you doing?”

I just gave him a shrug. “Eh, just getting rid of this test subject. You know how it goes.” I made my way down the dock.

“But… but that dog’s still alive!” I turned around and noticed that he was looking at me in abject horror.

“I don’t see the big deal-” Emmie chimed in with a shrug- “I mean, it’s pretty much dead anyway. We’re just finishing the job.”

I couldn’t help but chuckle. “See, you read my mind, bud!” I said, tossing the barely-breathing mutt into the water below.

“You’re a sick fuck!” He yelled, and honestly? I was feeling a bit offended.

“Now hang on, just who the fuck are you to act the role of moral compass? Haven’t you killed other ponies before in cage matches by accident?” but he ignored me and looked towards Emmie.

“Emmie, please… tell me you had nothing to do with this?” He was almost pleading, and I had a bad feeling about this whole thing. My friend looked around nervously.

“Well, not… not directly, no.” Heavyweight snorted in disgust.

“Unbelievable.” He turned around and began to walk away. “You can stop by my place to get your stuff tomorrow.” Emmie’s ears drooped low- I could tell he was in a lot of pain.

“W-what… what are you saying?” He said, his voice terribly shaky.

“What I’m saying is that we’re done. Again- if you don’t get your stuff out of my apartment by tomorrow, it’s all going in the garbage.” My best friend was in utter disbelief, and I myself was getting ready to draw my gun out of a sense of righteous anger. As he was walking away, I yelled in his direction-

“Now just where the fuck do you think you’re going, tough guy? You think you can just hurt my best pal like that and walk away?” I glared at him, gritting my beak. He turned around and got in my face.

“And just what the fuck are you gonna do about it, vulture?” OH, HE DID NOT JUST FUCKING GO THERE! I pulled out my pistol, resting the barrels under his chin. In case you didn’t know, calling a griffon a vulture is essentially the quintessential racial slur against our kind. It’s like calling an Asian person a- nevermind.

Anyways, I was fucking pissed.

“Alright, you listen to me, motherfucker. Give me one good fucking reason to not paint the snow with your miniscule fucking brains, you inbred cousin-fuckin’ mud horse.” In case you didn’t know, calling an earth pony a mud horse is essentially the quintessential racial slur against their tribe. It’s the equivalent of calling a black guy a-

You know what, I’m not gonna continue this line of thinking.

I clicked the funny switch on my pistol.

But before I could do anything stupid, I was pulled out of my rage by the sound of a choked-back sob behind me. Instantly, my whole tough bitch act fell as I holstered my gun and went to console my best friend. Heavyweight snorted and presumably walked away.

“Come on, bud. He ain’t worth it.” I said, and my friend bit his lip, shaking terribly. “We’ll go to my house and I’ll fetch you a pint, how’s that sound?” I put my wing around his back and he nodded slowly. When we got to my place, which wasn’t too terribly far of a walk, I set him on the couch and threw a blanket around his back. I then went to the kitchen to fetch him a nice, cold pint- but paralyzed by choice, I yelled into the living room.

“YO, EM! You want rocky road or mint chip?”

A pint of ice cream, that is. You know- since there was no alcohol in our house. Hell, Dee even threw out the bottles of pure spirits I was saving for molotovs.

“R-rocky road, please.” He whimpered out, and I nodded. I wasted no time in grabbing him a spoon and cracking the lid. Briefly, I saw a note on the top- Diamond Tiara’s only! Do not eat! This means you, Leona! And discarded the note. She’ll understand- the circumstances were quite dire, after all.

I tossed him the tub and he sniffled, a faint smile on his face. “Th-thanks, Leona. You’re the best.”

“Bah, don’t mention it, man.” I said, turning on the radio. And so- the next hour was filled with the sounds of eating ice cream with radio rom-coms playing in the background, with occasional bouts of Emmie crying into my shoulder.

Unbeknownst to us- my girlfriend came home at some point, heading straight for the kitchen.

“WHERE’S MY ROCKY ROAD!?” I heard her yelling, and the feathers on my neck stood straight. She stormed into the living room- and saw the state Emmie and I were both in. Her expression of righteous fury fell and she nodded in understanding, taking her spot on the nearby recliner chair.

“Spill it. What happened?” She asked, and Emmie sniffed.

“H-Heavyweight… he broke up with me.” His voice cracked fiercely, then he groaned in annoyance. “Gotta take this damn thing off, it’s starting to chafe.” He whinged, pulling his eyepatch off and revealing the weird double pupil beneath.

I just wrapped a wing around his back, deciding to continue for him. “We tested the chlorine today, using a stray dog. It worked, and once we were done I was just gonna throw it in the harbor- but Heavyweight went full moral compass on us.” I just shrugged.

“I mean… it was pretty much dead anyway, right?” Dee asked, and I nodded. “So then what’s the big deal?” Emmie sniffled and decided to chip in.

“I should’ve known he’d react that way. He’s always been big on saving the animals and all that nonsense. Remember when we were in the wagon, and Purple Heart was talking about his involvement in the great hunts?” I cocked an eyebrow and nodded. “Well, I don’t know if you noticed, but I was having a hard time keeping Heavyweight from kicking him off the wagon.”

I blinked twice, then said- “Huh. I guess I never did notice- I was busy listening to his stories, really.” I then snorted in annoyance. “What a cunt.” Emmie just sighed in response.

“You know what? I’m tired of thinking about him. What say we discuss the results of today’s experiment?” He asked with a sly grin. I couldn’t help but grin in response.

“Yeah, hon!” Dee said enthusiastically, “Tell me- what did it do?” I gave her a dark grin in response.

“Well, like I told Emmie earlier- It reacted to the water in its eyeballs and lungs, blinding it and causing it to hack up bits and pieces of its lungs. I imagine that it’s quite an agonizing death.” Dee hummed enthusiastically.

“It sure seemed that way.” Emmie spoke up, completely unbothered by that fact. Dee giggled.

“You know- you’re pretty enthusiastic about all this.” He just shrugged in response.

“I’m a stallion of science. I’m always fascinated by new discoveries and ideas. So, tell me- for what purpose have you created this… this superweapon?” I gave him a wide grin in response.

“I’m gonna be undoing an injustice that was done to my country a long, long time ago. The diamond dogs won’t know what hit them.” I lit up a cigarette then took a long drag. “I’m gonna fill their caves and castles with chlorine gas and lead a small team of stormtroopers into their caves to spread terror and drive them out. Once they’ve been driven out, a bunch of them will be picked off by rifle fire from a distance until they either surrender or die.

And once that’s all done, a rainstorm should neutralize most of the gas- and the dogs are working for us. I plan on taking over the Confederacy for myself and turning it into an industrial powerhouse!” Emmie was stroking his chin in thought.

“I’ll even give you your own team of diamond dog excavators for archaeology purposes.” His smile grew wide.

“I’m in.” He said. I gave him a wide smile and wrapped him in a hug. “What you’re doing is an utter perversion of the ideals of science- you get results, and I respect that about you.”

“I knew I could count on you. And think about it! You can do whatever crazy cult stuff that you’re into- as long as no griffons are harmed, I don’t give a shit what you do over there. The place is pretty much a lawless wasteland by now, anyway." Despite my excitement, I couldn’t keep the sadness out of my voice at the last bit.

“Keep in mind, though- This family of ours is a secret.” Dee spoke up with a stern voice. “If word of any of this gets out, we’ll be labeled as pariah’s among pony society. Despite how well laid out this plan is- we still need money. Lots of it.” she then looked to me with a smirk. “And I have just the solution.”

I cocked an eyebrow, urging her to go on.

“Next year, my father’s opening a new store in Manehattan and he wants me to manage it.” My eyes lit up like a Christmas tree. I never explained her family’s business- Rich’s Barnyard Bargains. It’s basically several big box stores all managed by her fathers corporation; Think like K-Mart or Walmart.

“We’ll use that store as a front! Money laundering, stuff like that. Meanwhile, I’ll be doing what I do best to bring in the loot.” This was PERFECT! I was literally kicking my feet in excitement- this was gonna be fuckin SWEET! “Alright, Emmie- if you think you can keep a secret, you’re 100 percent in. What d’ya say?” I held out a hand and he shook it with a grin.

The deal was sealed- and in more ways than one, the world would change forever.

---

Unbeknownst to all of us, while we were all plotting our eventual takeover of Manehattan and The Confederacy- some major shit had been going down across greater Equestria. Old villains were making alliances, there was this whole debacle where some kid tried to steal all the magic, and there was almost a full blown race war between the three pony tribes.

And who was the catalyst of this tomfoolery? Fuckin’ Discord, who else? Apparently, Celestia and Luna were stepping down as rulers of Equestria, crowning Princess Grand Autism as the leader.

Naturally- she’s only in her 30s, and wasn’t anywhere near prepared for the responsibility of ruling one of the biggest empires in the world. And so Discord, in his infinite wisdom, disguised himself as an ancient evil guy to trick some of the biggest “villains” in recent Equestrian history to team up, including this batshit insane little girl, to take over the throne of Equestria.

Briefly, I wondered if the little girl was a reincarnated human herself- but she’s a statue now.

Talk about getting stoned.

Anyways- I’m gonna skip the bullshit. Go to a library and read the newspapers from the time period, or wait for the history books to be written. Long story short- Twilight now has the throne to Equestria, for better or for worse. Honestly? It might be for the better in my case.

I know Twilight. I know how to deal with her.

But thankfully, that debacle cleared up- just in time for my wedding.

Dee kept her promise, and so did I. I’d been sober for a year, and I fully planned on keeping it that way. They were right- the liquor was clouding my mind.

The wedding was a small affair- the ponies of Ponyville haven’t really forgotten the whole tongue debacle. It was a warm summer's evening- and we were at the Moonside Lake. Mayor Mare was reading off our vows as I beheld my love wearing a beautiful pink tuxedo. It surprised me, but I also surprised her by wearing a dress- so it evens out.

Mamma was there constantly wiping away her tears and Dee’s parents looked much the same- although in their case, they were probably crying because their daughter was marrying me, of all people. Emmie stood not too far away- and I looked back at him and winked. Meanwhile, the rest of Dee’s extended family was there in the audience, though I didn’t really know any of them.

Silver spoon was there, too. She was Dee’s best mare- I still can’t believe they made up after that whole disaster.

“Do you, Diamond Tiara, take Leona to be your lawfully wedded wife- in sickness and in health- and to remain by her side for the rest of your days?” My girlfriend sniffled and said,

“I-I do.”

“And do you, Leona Grimfeather, take Diamond Tiara as your lawfully wedded wife, in sickness and in health- and to remain by her side for the rest of your days?” I myself was getting choked up.

Even though I knew this was happening, it all felt so surreal to me.

“Come hell or high water, I do.” I said, tears threatening to run down my cheeks.

“If there be any objections, speak now or forever hold your piece.” Dee’s Mother looked like she was about to open her mouth to say something- but my Mamma elbowed her, hard.

She took that as her hint to shut the fuck up.

“May the Light forever shine upon this couple, as I now pronounce them to be married.” the mayor said with a smile.

Tears fell from my eyes as I pulled in my girlfriend… no, my wife in for a deep, passionate kiss.

It was… blissful. Mamma was in the audience babbling about how proud she was of me. Dee’s parents remained as somber as ever, though Mrs. Rich was rubbing her side with a hoof. We broke the kiss and Emmie put a hoof around my back.

“Glad to see it all worked out for you, friend.” He said, and I just smiled and nodded.

If you told me 40 years ago that this would be happening- I would ask to have some of whatever you were smoking. Never thought I’d get married- to a pony, no less.

But I wasn’t complaining. In fact- I don’t think I’ve ever felt happier in either of my lives.

We had a relatively small reception after the wedding, and that night, we had both rented a motel room.

After all- we still had to consummate the marriage, and we planned on getting loud. In fact- it couldn’t have come at a more perfect time, seeing as we were both in heat.

In the motel room, we got undressed and she began to unpack her suitcase full of… tools. I trembled in excitement as she laid them out, describing in excruciating detail what she was gonna do with all of them.

We… We received several noise complaints that night.

Best. Night. Ever.

As I laid in bed cuddled against her that night, despite all the soreness, all it took was seeing her little smile to just… forget it all.

“I love you so fuckin’ much. You make me the happiest girl alive.” I muttered to her, and she giggled.

“You make me feel the same way, you know that? That’s why I said yes when you asked to marry.” I kissed her on the forehead, and we both drifted off to sleep.

I don’t fully know what the future holds- but I was excited for it nonetheless. First we’ll take over Manehattan- then we’ll take over the Confederacy.

This... was gonna be fun.

Shakedown Street

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Manehattan. The big apple.

In more ways than one, it felt like home. My original home- New York. But it also felt like my home in Featherworth in the absolute freedom I felt. Sometimes, I can’t help but wonder about that city; is the little cottage I was born in still standing? Does Blackbird Rookery even exist anymore? I wasn’t sure.

Someday I’d return to that city- all in due time.

Emmie was still attending the college in Aderleth, and Dee and I had been living in a beautiful penthouse together- it had a balcony with a hot tub, a massive kitchen, master bedroom, living room- all the usual fixings of the New York high life! Even down to the weird, nonsensical modern art hanging on the walls.

Even better- the balcony had lockable shutters, so I wouldn’t have to take the elevator like some sort of basic bitch. Not to say my wife is a basic bitch, of course, but… bah, you know what I mean.

Anyways- we both awoke to the sound of Dee’s alarm going off at 5 in the morning.

“Come on, honey. Time to get up.” I whispered to her, kissing her on the forehead. She just groaned at me and rolled around.

“Five more minutes…” she whined, and I frowned. Getting out of bed, I smirked at her.

SWISH! My tongue burst forth- and began tickling her on the side.

“Ah! A-alright I-I’m up… hehee.” I slurped my tongue up and she glared at me. God, that sentence is so fucked.

“Morning honey!” I said, going up and kissing her on the cheek. “You sleep well?” She sat up and huffed.

“I swear, if you weren’t so cute…” I just snorted.

“What are you gonna do? Choke me?” I asked sarcastically, and she gave me a dark grin-then rolled her eyes.

“Fucks sake, it’s too early in the morning to be getting horny.” She got out of bed and kissed me on the cheek before heading towards the shower.

Meanwhile, I started getting our breakfast ready. A simple ordeal of waffles covered in bananas and an apple-cinnamon syrup- as well as a couple slices of bacon for me. Oh, of course, can’t forget the coffee! I felt an odd sense of deja-vu, to be honest. I was fine with that, though.

When she got out of the shower, we ate together on our penthouse balcony. It was a chilly morning, so we sat close to each other- for warmth and because we just wanted to be close.

“You know, baby, lesbians are kind of like vegans, in a sense.” I said, causing her to cock an eyebrow.

“Why is that?” she asked- I gave her a wide smirk.

“We both use imitation meat to fill a void.” She just gave me the most what the actual fuck look I’ve ever seen, and I started cracking up.

“Who the fuck starts a conversation like that? I just woke up!” I had to hold on to the table after she said that. She joined me in laughter not long after that. God, I swear, we both share a single brain cell.

After we finished eating and drinking our coffee, Dee went to do her hair and get dressed before work, and I got her lunch ready for her- which was a simple vegetable salad with Prench dressing, as well as a good helping of shredded cheese and croutons.

Man, ponies are so fuckin’ easy to make food for. I love my wife, but like I said before- I’m so glad I didn’t get reincarnated as a pony. I ain’t eating like no rabbit, ya dig?

Once I got her lunch all packed, I was left to consult my list of shit-to-do; the first and foremost thing being make some fuckin money!

Good fuckin’ plan, if I do say so myself. Currently Dee was making good money with the department store, and I had a decent bit of income coming in from a couple of sources.

After all, basically reinventing the Haber-Bosch process for manufacturing ammonia scored me some decent loot, as the industrial manufacture of ammonia has led to booms in agriculture the world over. I’d sold the rights to use “my” invention to some promising entrepreneurs, on the grounds that they send me a nice, fat check every two weeks and eventually, make me my chlorine canisters. Now I know how Haber felt.

A bit of a tangent here; but even I’m curious as to how I remember all this stuff so well. It’s odd- I never studied this stuff in great detail, but I read about it plenty in the prison library out of sheer boredom. Ever since I got this parasite, my memory has felt… clearer? I don’t know.

Meanwhile, I had been working on taking over the dockworkers union and the plasterer’s unions, and definitely planned on expansion. There were also the protection rackets, the prostitution rings, the gambling houses- that sort of stuff.

And I wasn’t doing it alone, of course- I pretty much started my own small crime family where I acted as the capo and Dee was my consigliere. Well, sort of- Dee and I were on equal grounds, realistically. She handled a lot of the creative accounting, and I was often out getting my hands dirty with the greasework.

Heh. Been awhile since I last said that.

Bottom line is, we were making out like a band of gypsies, and it was fantastic! But we needed more!

So today, I had some plans for expanding our biz.

But first- “Have a good day at work, baby.” I said, giving her a kiss on the cheek. She looked quite adorable in her work clothes- it was a pretty pink, tight businessmare’s suit, though it didn’t come with pants.

I mean, ponies didn’t really wear pants, at least, not too often. I can’t blame them, of course.

“Stay safe out there, honey!” She said to me before giving me a kiss on my cheek. I totally didn’t sneak a peek of her ass on the way out. Don’t judge me!

I put on my favorite frock coat and capelet, holstering my pistols underneath it. I decided to forgo the cutlass, but I never leave home without my dagger. After a few seconds of consideration, I decided to wear my hat today as well. All ready to go, I was on my way to do what I did best.

That is- being a violent psychopath.

I decided to walk today- sometimes it’s nice to just get a closer look at things, you know? I had to walk through the busy, prissy, and rich part of the city to get to my first destination. I planned on expanding my territory, and I knew just where to start. I just had to grab a couple of my colleagues.

I knew I was in the right place when the beautiful art-deco storefronts slowly turned into rundown brick buildings, some with boarded up windows and painted over signs. As I walked the street, I lightly kicked an empty bottle of booze into the alleyway, and on the other side of the road I saw a homeless man taking shelter in a box.

This… was my kinda town.

---

The bell above the front door jingled, and the clerk watched me with a glare as I approached her. She was a unicorn, apparently named Herb Moon if the name of the shop was to be believed.

I went up to the counter with a smile and said, “Pack of Marelboro’s, if you please.”

“Can’t you read the sign?” She asked, pointing towards the door with a scoff. “We don’t serve your kind here.” As you’d expect, not everypony was thrilled with the massive waves of immigration all those years ago, and some were even still upset.

I leaned against the counter and bared my claws, and the clerk took a step back. “I don’t see what the big deal is. I just wanna buy a pack of smokes, ya know?” she huffed at me.

“Ever since your kind has invaded Manehattan, all the decent folk up and left! So why should I oblige any single one of you?”

I snorted in response. “You know, you’re quite right with that one. Things have gotten quite dangerous since the griffons showed up.” she blinked at me in confusion. “In fact- I’ve heard of griffons going around, destroying little shops like this, beating up their owners. It’s quite terrible, really.”

She cocked her eyebrow, and I noticed a few beads of sweat on her brow. “I-I’ve heard enough. You need to leave now, you stinkin’ vulture!” I just laughed.

“But tell you what. I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.” I gave her a cheshire grin and she gulped nervously.

“I-Is that a th-threat?” She grit her teeth and glared, attempting to look tough- but failed terribly, instead giving off the impression that she was about to wet herself.

“Maybe. I have lots of friends- good, decent folk, you know? I’d be willing to have them lend you extra protection… for a small fee.” after a few seconds of silence, she scoffed.

“N-no. No! I don’t need your business nor do I need your protection! I’ve never even heard of these… these gangs of your fellow vultures destroying good pony’s livelihoods!” She pointed at the door aggressively, “OUT! Get, before I call the guards!”

I gave her a dark grin. “Have a nice day, ma’am.” I walked out the door, and once again the bell above dinged- but before I closed it- I flipped the sign from Open to Closed.

“Alright boys, have at ‘er. You all know the rules- keep it in your pants and such.” I addressed the five or so other associates of mine, and they all sported sadistic grins. I leaned against the wall and lit up a cigarette, listening with glee as the store was torn to pieces from the inside. The sounds of crashing, as well as breaking wood and glass could be heard, as well as the racist clerk screaming for help.

Once my cigarette was finished, I crushed it out, and the boys decided that the job was done.

“Good work, boys. Your pay will be through the usual channels, you know who to find.” I said, and they all nodded in understanding. They all left, saying their variations of Sounds good, Boss.

I walked back inside, the bell above the door falling impotently to the ground in front of me. The place was destroyed- coolers smashed, shelves knocked down, wine spilled everywhere. I made my way to the counter, being extra careful to not step on broken glass. I leaned against the counter and beheld the mare behind it ducked down and shaking terribly.

“Didn’t I warn ya’?” I asked with a smug grin.

“You… you’re an awful person!” She yelled, and I laughed.

“Tell you what- it’s a real shame what happened to you, really!” I reached into the saddlebags under my coat, producing a decently sized bag of gold and tossing it over the counter. “Luckily for you, I’m a generous motherfucker.” She just stared at it in disbelief.

“Y-you… w-what-” I gave her a ‘friendly’ smile.

“I’ll be back in a month to collect that back. If you haven’t made that much by then- we can work something out. You’ll find that I can be quite a reasonable person.” I turned to make my leave, but just before I left, I said- “My advice? Open up your shop to griffons. You’ll make more business that way.”

And with that, I left the mare to wallow in her own self pity. It was… quite entertaining.

---

Of course, I still needed to buy smokes somewhere.

“Excuse me, sir.” I said to a gruff looking homeless stallion, leaning against a wall. “You wouldn’t happen to know where one could buy Fillyscout cookies, would you?” He scowled at me- until I tossed him a coin, and his scowl instantly vanished.

“Keep headin’ down this street and you’ll find an empty carton of Marelboro’s marking the spot.” I smiled and nodded.

Thankfully, there was hardly a line when I got there. I approached the kid with a friendly smile- It always warmed my heart seeing young entrepreneurs making the best out of their situations.

“Oh, hello, Mrs. Leona! The usual?” the little hen asked, and I nodded. She handed me a couple packs of Marelboro’s, and I handed her a decent fistful of coins. She grinned at me, “You do realize you’re overpaying, right?”

I couldn’t help but laugh. “Kid, you ain’t never gonna make any money if you got that mindset. Besides- I was in your shoes once. I know the struggle.” She looked at me with wonder in her eyes.

“Really?” She asked, and I nodded.

“All the way back in the old country, when things first started falling apart. Ah, but that was a long time ago, now.” I figured I shouldn’t bore this kid to death with my life’s story, ya know?

“Woah…” she did seem genuinely interested- but I had work to do, so I couldn’t stick around.

“Although word of advice- you should definitely invest in a cloak and sunglasses. Helps keep you hidden and looks fashionable.” I tipped my hat to her and made my leave.

“Thanks, Mrs. Leona!”

“Don’t mention it, kid.”

---

Next stop- the red lights. I had a meeting with the Caporegime I put in charge of managing all the prostitution rackets.

Hopefully, I wouldn’t be around too long- this place was greasy, and not in any way that I liked. Despite that, it was still quite profitable- it is the world's oldest profession, after all.

I walked into the seedy old brownstone building and the doorman greeted me with a nod.

“Is Slick Back in?” I asked him, and he nodded with a grunt.

The man in question was actually one of the few ponies under my employ- at least, in any position of power. I knocked on the door to his ‘office,’ and he yelled through-

“Just a minute, ho!” I snorted and knocked again.

“You may wanna check just who the fuck you’re speaking to before you open your dicksucking mouth, asshole.”

After I said that, I heard him scrambling to unlock the door.

“S-sorry, boss!” He stammered out. He looked like your stereotypical pimp- with dark purple fur and black, greasy hair, and wearing an ugly leopard print suit. I just rolled my eyes at him as he stepped out of my way. I made it a point to avoid looking at his back half.

“Put that thing away, we got business to discuss.” I said to him. I looked at one of the nearby chairs and asked, “You did disinfect these, right?” He nodded rapidly, taking his seat behind the desk. I sat down opposite of him.

Thankfully, the chair wasn’t sticky this time.

“So, we still staying well above the red?” I asked, and he slid me a ledger. I examined it- it was titled The Book of Ho’s, and was a list of all the prostitutes, private dancers, and “Ho’s” under the employ of Slick Back.

I was reading through, overall feeling happy with the numbers- until I noticed an oddly familiar name- one which I couldn’t quite place yet.

“This one here, why’s she making less than all the others?” I asked, and Slick put on a monocle to read the ledger.

“Oh, yeah. That’s a new one- only started two weeks ago.” I cocked an eyebrow, and noticed that the date she was added was about two weeks ago- but there were others that were hired at the same time as her and were making more.

“But compared to the rest of her colleagues, she’s underperforming- And I wanna know why. Is she here?” I asked him, and he nodded. He clicked the button on his nearby PA system and spoke.

“Penelope! You better be showin’ up to my office quick as you can, ho!” You’d think that there wouldn’t be any hookers out in the daytime, and you’d be right- but some of them did actually rest here. There was a nice flophouse out back, where all the druggies could pass out safely- whether or not they were under my employ.

“Whot cun’ Oi help yew wit’, sir?” She then gasped, and I think my jaw dropped. “Yew!” she pointed at me. A grin slowly spread across my face.

“Well no fuckin shit. Been a while, huh?” I asked her.

“You know this bitch?” Slick asked me, and I laughed.

“Fuck yeah I do. How could I forget? She was a one night stand to my Mamma in some backwater we were passin’ through- and I helped set her up.” Slick gave me a wide grin. He patted me on the shoulder and I resolved to burn this coat later.

“I always knew you were a pimp!”

“Oi! Ya’ve got’a lot ta answer fer!” She approached me with a scowl- and got whacked in the skull by a cane that Slick kept on his person at all times. “OW!”

“Shit, you’re still mad about that debacle? It was like, damn near 15 years ago!”

“Yeah Oi am! You’ll’ve jus’ up’n walked off wit a massive tab! Cos’ us a lotta money, it did!” I scowled and grit my beak, grabbing her neck.

“And YOU’RE costin’ me a lotta money by suckin’ at your job!” She looked at me with fear in her eyes, and I tightened my grip.

“Now, now, hold on boss. Let the professional handle this.” He smirked and I gave him an incredulous look- but ultimately let go of her neck. As if she knew what was coming, she lowered her head. “Let us pray the pimp’s prayer.”

I cocked an eyebrow as he raised his hoof in the air. “Celestia, please pray for the soul of this bitch and guide my pimp hoof and make it strong, Celestia, so that she might learn a ho’s place. Amen.”

“Amen.” I said with a grin, having a feeling that I knew what was coming next.

SLAP!

I couldn’t help but cringe when I heard the force behind that slap. She fell to the floor, and I think her dead ancestors felt that one. Then I realized something.

“Actually, you know what it is?” I said to Slick as Penelope was choking back tears. “I think it’s her accent that’s putting people off.”

The pimp in question scratched his chin. “You might be right, actually.” He then looked towards Penelope. “From now on when you’re with your clients, I only want you openin’ your mouth to fill it with either dick or liquor. We clear?” He asked, and she nodded slowly while sniffling.

“Now git!” He smacked her on the ass and she ran out of the room crying.

“Fuck me sideways, I did not expect that.” I muttered to myself, then shook my head. “Anyways, Slick- aside from that little hiccup, everything else seems to be running well. You got my cut ready?” I asked him, and he nodded with a smile and tossed me a sack of gold.

“Excellent. Now if you’ll excuse me- I have a speech I gotta make. Keep up the good work- just make sure to keep a closer eye on little anomalies like that, ya hear?”

And on that note, I bid farewell. Next stop was Central Pony Park. I was joining in on a little protest.

---

It was just afternoon- and already, the park was damn near full! Ponies from all walks of life were here in support of banning the greatest temptation the devil ever created- Alcohol!

Let’s disregard the fact that Jesus allegedly turned water into wine- hooch is a creation of the devil! At least, according to all these bored housewives.

That’s right- we were all gathered in support of the local temperance movement! The uptick in crime caused by mass immigration, as well as fears of these immigrants, has lead to a longstanding moral panic in which the people blamed all the worlds problems on alcohol.

From mares who have disinterested alcoholic husbands, to wives of griffons who took up the booze to deal with the pain of losing everything- we had all walks of life here. Since I was rich and influential, I decided to use this movement to my utmost advantage.

“Mares and Gentlehens!” One of the leaders I’d been working with announced into the mic. “Please, give a warm welcome to Mrs. Leona Grimfeather!” the crowd began to cheer, and I took a deep breath.

“Greetings, people of Manehattan! As you all know, I’ve been a steadfast supporter of this wonderful movement ever since I moved into this city. As someone who’s been sober for almost 15 months now- I can attest firsthand to the dangers of liquor!” This was my first time telling my story in public, outside of an AA meeting- and I decided to play it up a bit, and embellish some parts.

“Just a little a over a year ago, I proposed to the love of my life- and almost lost everything.” I gave the audience a sad look. “For… personal reasons, I began to hit the bottle quite hard and regularly around the same time. I never really drank much before, and I disregarded all the signs that I could potentially develop a problem!” The crowd urged me to continue.

“If I had known the risks, or better yet, if I was never able to take the chance in the first place, I wouldn’t have had to go through the grief of almost losing everything!

“Alcohol is an utter poison! One which affects the mind in such ways as to change a person completely! It’ll make you do things you’d never think you’d do! It’ll make you hurt your loved ones with little regard for their feelings! And in my case, it almost cost me my marriage and my very life!” The women in the crowd looked somber yet supportive of my case.

“That is why I believe that the banning of alcohol is only common sense! The days of Equestria in which beer and liquor were safer than any drinking water has long passed, and has only been a detriment to civilized society since! It’s time we make a change!” I yelled, holding up a scroll. “On this petition is a list of demands for the Duke of Manehattan County! First and foremost, it includes the complete banning of alcohol! For private ownership or otherwise!”

The crowd began to cheer, and I smiled. “I say we all sign this petition and then march right to the Duke’s office!”

Soon, everyone was scrambling to put a signature down- although it wasn’t without naysayers. Men, mostly- the ones who would be most affected by this law, were not happy. Thankfully though- we actually had the city guard on our side. Any threats of violence were met with threats of arrests and potential incarceration, so the majority of them didn’t try anything.

After that, I had the whole crowd marching behind me like a parade as we made our way to the Town Hall.

I was led by the guards to the Duke’s office and shut the door behind me. It was a quant space- with fancy wood paneling, an ornate desk, and a nearby cocktail bar.

“Good afternoon, Leona.” He said simply, not even looking up from his paperwork. I could see that he was sipping a dry martini and I smirked.

“On this petition is a list of demands from the Wives for Sanity movement, as well as several signatures.” I set the scroll down in front of him and he barely paid it a glance.

Then, I grabbed my saddlebags and dumped them out on his desk, watching the mass of coins spilled out all over the place. Now I had his attention.

“You drive a hard bargain. Only, there’s one problem- where am I supposed to get my gin from?” He asked, and I reached into a coat pocket and produced a small bottle.

“Fresh off the still. My taste testers told me it’s pretty high quality.” He took it in his hoof and examined it curiously. He popped the lid with a crack, and took a sniff.

“It sure smells the part…” He mumbled, then took a small sip. “Tastes the part too.” He gave me a grin. “Alright, I’ll oblige your silly petition. Long as you keep supplying me with that stuff, we’ll remain quite good friends.” I gave him a smile.

“I knew you could be reasonable.” I made my leave, and met the massed crowd with a smile.

“Rejoice! For he agreed to our terms!” I yelled, and the loud cheers almost made my ears ring. Sadly, however, I had to wrap it up. After all- I still had other biz to attend to.

---

Next stop- my gambling Caporegime. This one should be relatively brief.

He was at the casino, which was just getting ready to open for the evening. It was a big place in the middle of the city, and had an attached hotel and everything.

That’s not to say he just operated the casino’s, though. He ran all sorts of stuff- races and fights, as well as fixing those races and fights, on top of sports betting, and a bit of insider trading, to a degree.

The doorman greeted me with a nod. “Boss will meet you in his office- he just had some business to finish up.” I nodded back at him.

“Tell him to not take too long.”

I stepped into his office and sat in the chair.

“Ayy, ring-a-ding, baby!” that smarmy fucker said as walked in wearing his favorite checkered suit.

“How’s it runnin’, Benny?” I asked him with a smirk.

“Pretty well, though there’s been talks of bannin’ the booze.” He sat across from me, and his face took on a more serious look. “Are you sure that’s the right move? Nothin’ gets people into gamblin’ more than if you drive some liquor into ‘em first.” I rolled my eyes at him.

“Benny, I already told ya’. We’re set to make so much fuckin money, we won’t know what to do with it all! If you get rid of the supply, the demand goes up- and I’m gonna have a fuckin’ monopoly on all the booze in the city. Hell, I already got a couple of trusted guys working stills, I just need to find a guy to manage the speakeasy’s.”

He gave me a smirk. “If ya say so.” He said, pulling out his ledger for me to examine.

“And besides, doesn’t most of our profit come from fixing anyway?” He just shrugged.

“To an extent. It’s definitely gonna cut into the casino, though.” I looked through the ledger and nodded in satisfaction.

“Trust me, Benny. We’ll be makin’ so much money that you could shut this whole operation down and live off booze money alone. You know where to drop the loot off, right?” I asked him and he nodded.

“Good. See ya’ around.”

“You’re leavin’ awfully quick. You got somewhere to be?” He asked with a smirk, and I chuckled.

“Just going to see the best lookin’ gal’ in town, besides myself.”

---

I arrived at the Barnyard Bargains soon enough. I didn’t even bother saying a word to the cashier, instead making my way straight to the back. My wife’s office was flanked by two guards standing in front of the door. Each one carried two pistols which I made special for them, as well as cutlasses. They were basic pistols- single shot flintlocks, but with enough training, they became quite proficient in their operation.

I’ll be damned if I was gonna let something happen to my wife when I’m not around.

“How’s it goin?” I asked them casually, and they simply nodded. “Good.” They were both wearing suits and sunglasses- it made them look like government agents, almost.

“Pizza delivery!” I yelled, causing Dee to jump in her seat.

“You ass!” she jokingly yelled. I made my way over and we shared a nice, long kiss. God, I love her.

It was getting late, so I knew she’d be getting off work soon. “You wanna check out that new restaurant that opened down the street after work?” I asked her, and she glanced to the side.

“Actually, I can’t…” I cocked an eyebrow at her, “One of my supervisors called off and I can’t get anyone to come in. I gotta help close up.”

I couldn’t help but sigh in annoyance. “Seriously? Again? Where d’ya find these clowns.” I tapped my beak in thought, then shrugged. “Shit, pass me your keys. I’ll help close.” She snorted at me and laughed.

“Yeah, sure thing.” She said, rolling her eyes.

“I’m being serious!” She blinked at me incredulously. “I don’t want you to have to work an all day shift, it’s bullshit!”

“Leona… I appreciate the offer, but you don’t know the first thing about running one of these stores. It’s an entirely different world from what you’re used to!” I just rolled my eyes at her.

“Bah, it can’t be that hard! What do I gotta do? Sweep? Help customers?” she bit her lip.

“I mean, technically, but… you also gotta count the money, and-and-” she bit her lip, then sighed.

“Oh, what the heck.” She gave me a smarmy grin that I wasn’t sure if I liked. “It’s time you got a taste of the shit I put up with every day.” She went over to a nearby coat rack and grabbed a bright, xanthous yellow vest.

“Here, put this on.” I did just that, but I didn’t bother zipping it. I looked goofy as fuck with that vest over my coat, but I didn’t care. She then handed me her keys, saying “Don’t lose these!” She grabbed a walkie talkie.

“Everypony, please meet me up front. We’re gonna have a quick meeting before I head out.” On the way up she said, “And try not to threaten any customers!”

It was at that moment that I realized I may have been in over my head here.

She walked me up front and introduced me to her team.

“Everypony, this is Leona. She’ll be stepping in as the closing manager tonight. She’s my wife, so I’d like you all to treat her as such.” One of the guys under her employ cocked an eyebrow.

“Is that… I feel like that’s against company policy.” I snorted at him.

“Well, the CEO is my father in-law, so I actually have a permit.” I said, reaching into my coat and producing a piece of paper.

“... This just says I do what I want.” the employee deadpanned.

“Congrats! You can read.” Dee smacked me on the back of the head.

“Why do you have those?” She asked, and I shrugged.

“Comedic timing.” she facehooved.

“Alright, look- just try to keep her filled in, alright?” She said to the guy. Evidently, he had high seniority, but not high enough to be trusted with keys. She turned to me and said, “And don’t worry about the money- I’ll just do that in the morning.”

She turned to her crew and said, “Alright, you guys can get back to what you were working on. That’s all I got for ya's.” She then looked to me with a pleading look in her eyes.

“Baby… are you sure you’re okay with this?” She asked, and I responded by kissing her on the cheek.

“I’ll be fine! Just go home and relax, you deserve it!” She gave me a weary smile.

“Thanks, honey.” She leaned in and whispered in my ear, “if it all goes well, I may let you try that thing you’ve been wanting to try. You know what I mean.” She gave me a sultry grin and the feathers on my neck stood straight. She kissed me on the cheek, handed me her walkie and left.

Her two guards followed her, and that was that.

After she left, I decided to relax for a bit. I made my way to her office and took a seat on her comfy chair. I lit up a smoke and used a glass as an ashtray.

“This… is gonna be fuckin’ easy.”

“Mrs. Leona?” the cashier said, “A customer up front wants to speak to the manager.” I groaned in annoyance.

“The fuck do they want?” After a few seconds of silence, he replied,

"They uh… well, now she’s upset because of the way you talked over the radio.” Oh, right- he doesn’t have an earpiece.

“Yeah, yeah, I’ll be up.” I groaned in annoyance, letting my cigarette hang over the glass.

The customer in question was a very prissy looking mare- she had a blonde bob cut, designer sunglasses, and an overall demeanor that said Please rob me! I have money!

“What’s the problem?” The mare scoffed at me.

“Are you the manager?” I spread my arms wide.

“No, I’m the president of the fucking United States. What you need?” The mare and the cashier both seemed taken aback by this, for some reason.

“Now who the fuck do you think you are to speak to me like that?” She asked, hooves on her hips. I just rolled my eyes in annoyance.

“Listen, lady. I was in the middle of a cigarette when you pulled me up here, so let’s make this fuckin quick.” I glared at her, and she took a step back. “What. Is. The. Problem?”

She huffed at me and pointed to her shopping cart- there was a baby inside along with a bunch of groceries. “Well, when I went to buy that bag of potatoes-” she gestured to the produce in question. “The cashier tried to tell me it’s five bits more than what was listed on the shelf!”

I blinked in sheer, utter confusion. “Are you…” I looked to the cashier, “Did you check the price on the shelf?” I asked him, and he nodded.

“To be fair, the listed price is cheaper than what it rang up as, Ma’am.” I blinked, completely fucking dumbfounded. “I apologized and fixed it, but she still wanted to speak to the manager.” He gave me a sheepish grin.

“Oh, that’s it? That’s all?” I couldn’t help but laugh. The woman looked at me with a smug grin, so I said- “Charge her double.” Her expression fell into one of pure, unadulterated rage.

“NOW JUST WHO THE FUCK-” I ran up and grabbed her by her shitty haircut, drawing my dagger and pressing it to her neck. Her look of anger and bravado fell instantly as she started shaking.

“You fuckin’ heard me.” I looked to the cashier, and saw that the baby was giggling. “Charge her double. For the whole order.” I looked at her and scoffed.

“That oughta teach her some fuckin manners.” I let go of her hair, holstered the dagger and walked away.

“Oh, and if you think about reporting this to the police?” I dragged a claw across my neck. “Capische?” She nodded her head so fast I thought it would fly off.

I walked away with a hearty laugh, eager to return to my cigarette.

Man, I don’t know why Dee’s always complaining. Dealing with customers is easy. A few minutes into my cigarette, the cashier spoke up again.

“That was fucking awesome.” I couldn’t agree more.

For the next hour or so after my cigarette, I was just idly walking around the store, moving products to the front of the shelf and whatnot. Apparently it’s called front facing- but it just seems like busywork to me. Especially things hanging off pegs- what fuckin difference does it make if the products in the front or not? There’s either something there or we’re out of stock; does ol' Daddy Rich think the general public are dinosaurs who can’t see anything unless it’s moved up front?

But I digress.

Anyways, I was about to go and rock a piss- but we can’t have nice things, can we?

“Hey, Mrs. Leona? Could you help a customer over where the tools are?” I groaned in annoyance.

“Yeah, I’ll be over.”

In the tools section, there was an ancient stallion who looked like he was one foot in the grave.

“Excuse me, sir!” Evidently, he was blind, too. “I'm looking for something.”

I shrugged. “What you need?” I asked, and regretted it immediately.

“I’m looking for a whirligig saw!” I blinked at him twice.

“A what?”

“You know, a whirligig saw. You use it with a comealong to make it easier to use a porto-power with. Everypony knows that!” I blinked at him some more. After a few moments, I was able to formulate a response.

“What?” All the while, I still had to pee.

“You know, this reminds me of back when I was a cart repair stallion! Let me tell you, missy-”

And he just kept talking.

And talking.

Everytime I’d try to get away, he’d just keep. Fucking. Talking. Holy fuck! I think an hour had passed at this point.

“Oh, would you look at the time! I really gotta be going-” I turned around to try and leave for the 15th time in the past 7 minutes, and finally finally, he stopped talking.

“Well anyways, it was good talking to you, young man! You take care, now. I think my wife’s probably looking for me.”

“Yeahyougoanddothat!” I blurted out, literally running to the bathroom like a little girl who held it too long.

What. The. Fuck.

I still don’t know what tool he was looking for!

I walked out of that bathroom feeling about 100 times better- then I heard something that made my blood pressure spike.

“Mrs. Leona? Could you help a customer by the patio furniture?”

“FUCK!” I yelled out loud. Then I took in a deep breath and calmly said into the radio- “Yeah, gimme a minute. I’m going out for a quick smoke then I’ll be right there.”

After a few minutes he responded, “They said you can take your time, they’re not in a hurry.”

“I wasn’t giving them an option.”

After chuffing back a couple cigarettes, I was feeling considerably calmer. I approached the couple with an actual smile for once. They actually seemed like a nice couple- newlyweds if I had to guess.

“What can I help ya’s with?” I asked. I probably smelled like a cigarette, but I didn’t give a fuck.

“We just had a couple questions about this patio set, if you didn’t mind.”

A couple questions was an understatement. Granted- it was a really nice patio set, and pretty expensive too. They were asking all sorts of bullshit questions- How high quality is the metal? Does the wicker come with a warranty? Is it rust proof? Is it scratch proof? Will this chair hold my obese cousin? Is it fireproof?

Finally, they made their decision.

“Well, we appreciate your help!” The lady said, and I gave her a smile in response.

“Alright, alright, let’s get serious here- you wanna buy this set or not?” They both exchanged odd looks, and I felt my blood pressure spiking again.

“Well… I don’t know, we still have to think about it!” I squinted at them.

“What’s there to think about?” I asked them, and they seemed taken aback. “You told me you liked it, ya asked me four million questions and I answered every single one. You tested it out, you love it- what more is there to consider?” The stallion just blinked in confusion.

“Well, it’s a big investment, we just gotta consider it for a little bit, ya know?”

“Consider it?” My friendly demeanor disappeared entirely. Why don’t you consider-” I checked my pocket watch, “You’ve been busting my balls for an hour asking me every goddamn ridiculous question under the sun- what about the metal? What about the warranty?” I said in a mocking tone as they walked away.

The lady turned around and said “You cannot talk to customers like that.” I just snorted.

“Customer? You call yourself a customer yet you ain’t bought a goddamn thing!” The stallion huffed,

“Well, we ain’t buyin it from you, if that’s how you talk to customers. I wanna see the manager.”

“You wanna speak to the manager? Here’s the manager!” I said, using a wing to point to my flank. “Right here, here’s the manager! Wanna talk to him?” I looked back and said, “What should I do? Throw em out!” I yelled that last bit.

“Well, you heard the man! He said throw ‘em out, he’s the boss!” They looked at me in disgust and fucked off.

I checked the time and let out a sigh of relief. Finally. Five minutes to close.

I said into the radio, “Alright, let’s wrap this circus up, I got a woman waitin’ on me at home.” I said into the radio. “You take one half of the store, I'll take the other half- tell everyone we’re closing.” I said.

“But… but we have five more minutes!”

“Did I goddamn stutter?” God, working retail fucking sucks. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy, and my wife does this every day? What the fuck!

I approached a unicorn stallion with a shopping cart full of booze.

“Hey pal, we’re gettin’ ready to close. Wrap it up.” I said to him- and to my surprise, he glared at me.

“You got a lotta nerve, showing your face around here.” He said, his voice slurring somewhat. “Tryna’ ban all the booze! The fuck’s your problem?” I rolled my eyes at him.

“Like I said, closing up. Let’s go.” I turned around without saying a word like a moron.

And was awarded by being shanked in the side with a switchblade.

“FUCK!” I yelled, grabbing my gun in a panic. His knife was quite deep in my side, and he was trying to move it around, almost in a sawing motion. “You cocksucker!” I yelled.

BANG!
BANG!

I fired off two shots, one which missed and shattered several wine bottles and the other hitting my assailant square in the chest. He dropped like a sack of potatoes and I heard over the radio,

“WHAT HAPPENED? ARE YOU ALRIGHT?” I leaned against a shelf, applying pressure to my side to try and slow the bleeding.

“No, I just got fuckin' stabbed!” I grunted in pain, “Get a fuckin’ ambulance!” Normally, I would try to get to one of the doctors under my payroll- but I think I had a good enough self defense case here that I wasn’t worried about it.

“A-alright! Don’t move!” the kid yelled. I just sighed in annoyance, putting a cigarette in my mouth and lighting it.

“I fucking hate retail.”

Video Killed The Radio Star

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I will admit- getting stabbed was not part of the plan. That being said, it somewhat worked to my advantage. After all- a high profile temperance movement leader getting shanked while shopping is sure to generate media outrage. At least, that’s the narrative that I’m gonna push.

I plan to have one of my enforcers either bribe or intimidate the employees at the store to help support my narrative; I wasn’t working there, I was just shopping and happened to run into the wrong guy.

The reasoning is simple- to protect my wife. If that guy happened to run into me, imagine if people like him knew that they could find my wife at that same store 5 days a week? Coupled with the fact that I’m having her bodyguards stay close to her at all times, I’m hoping that she’ll be well protected.

That said- I need to figure out a way to arm my wife with at least a pistol. The problem is, how do you make a gun which could be fired by hooves? They’re dexterous enough to grab things and hold them, but not capable of pulling a trigger one-handed… er, one-hooved. Hoofed? I don’t friggin’ know.

I have a couple ideas, but it definitely needs work. One option I’m thinking of pursuing is a “glove gun” of sorts where it’s worn around her hoof like a sock or a glove and secured with straps. The problem with that design, however, is the fact that she would constantly have to wear it, and my utilitarian firearm designs aren’t really conducive to high fashion. Not to mention, I would have to create a mechanism which would bring the barrel forward enough as to not allow the muzzle blast to burn her hoof. I wonder if I could create a mechanism which would do that, and use the movement to spark the powder, somehow?

Actually… you ever seen one of those basket-hilt swords which completely cover the hand? Imagine that, but instead of a sword, it’s a firearm? That would solve the problem of the muzzle blast, and it would allow it to be holstered to her side. The basket would surround her hoof for maximum grip, and I wouldn’t have to make a special mechanism for it- I could just use a standard flintlock modified to be more compact.

For both types of firearms, I’m thinking of using a “fan trigger”- that is, you ever seen how cowboys would fan revolvers? Perhaps I could put the trigger on top, like a revolver hammer; the idea being that she could whip out her pistol, and use her off-hoof to fire it from a trigger on the top. But just like fanning a real revolver- it would be inaccurate as all hell due to the lack of sights. Perhaps making it a shotgun would work better? Like a lupara for ponies, basically.

If I smoked a bunch of crack, I would also consider a design that’s reminiscent of two rifles mounted to a saddle and fired by biting on a bridle. That’s stupid for several reasons; One, how do you aim that? Just point at the enemy and hope for the best? Two, it would basically be a crew operated weapon, where someone else would have to reload. Even if they were magazine fed, how the hell is an earth pony, or a pegasi for that matter, gonna reach all the way back to reload and recock the gun? I feel like I saw that one in a dream, and the only reason I remember it is because I thought “wow, that would never fucking work in any situation.”

But that’s enough nerding out over hypothetical firearm designs. Back to the here-and-now.

Last thing I remember last night is being carted off to a hospital while some paramedic injected me with something against my wishes. The last thing I need is a morphine addiction- but mercifully, it did make the hurting stop.

Once again, I woke up in a hospital to the sound of a heartbeat monitor near my head and a blood bag attached to my wrist. I tried to get up, and instead winced out loud. Fuck, it hurts! Nevermind, guess I’m not getting up. I felt out my left side where I got stabbed and felt several stitches. Bastard cut me up pretty good- I just hope none of my organs got too fucked up. It was quite tender to the touch- even my light grazes caused me to cringe terribly.

“God, this fucking sucks.” But still- definitely not my first rodeo. It was much preferable to getting shot, that’s for sure. But given the choice, I’d rather have neither happen to me.

The doctor slowly opened the door and greeted me with a smile. “Glad to see you’re awake.” He said, and I nodded. “You feeling alright?”

I just snorted. “Yeah, just peachy. Not like there’s a hole in my side held together by string. Am I gonna be alright?” The doctor just chuckled.

“You’ll be just fine, Mrs. Grimfeather.” He came over and began undoing all the IV’s and the heartbeat… what you call’ems. “You’ll recover quickly, as long as you take plenty of rest. The same, however, can’t be said for your assailant.”

I couldn’t help but let out a small giggle. “Yeah, I figured as much. How bad was the damage, if I might ask?” The doctor looked up and glanced from side to side.

“I shouldn’t tell you this… but that piece of lead shattered his sternum and went right through his heart. He was dead on the scene.” I nodded in satisfaction. That’s the .45 stoppin’ powah, baybeee!

With that, the doctor helped me out of bed, and I winced in pain the whole way to the floor. We walked to the lobby and I was using my wing to prop myself against him. He offered to get me a wheelchair at some point, but I respectfully declined. Like I said- I’ve dealt with worse pain before. He also offered to prescribe me pain meds, but I declined less respectfully. Again- I’ve seen plenty of opium junkies to know where that path would lead.

When we reached the lobby, my wife and her bodyguards were waiting for me. Dee wrapped me in a hug and I kissed her on the cheek.

“Mrs. Grimfeather?” I looked towards where the desk clerk was, “Would you mind signing something before you leave?” I nodded and went to do that, and once I was finished, I saw that there was almost a convoy of carriages waiting on us. One was a private closed carriage for us and the other would be full of our bodyguards.

It’s nice being rich.

Dee helped me into my seat and we were on our way. I breathed a sigh of relief with a weary smile on my face.

“Well, that could’ve gone better, huh?” I asked Dee- and she sniffled in response. I immediately pulled her into a hug.

“I-it’s all my fault…” she buried her face in my shoulder, and I said-

“No the fuck it is not your fault! If I ran into that guy in any other context, the same thing would’ve happened. If anything, it was my fault for letting my guard down.”

“Leona, you could’ve been killed there!” she was beginning to get hysterical, and I held her close.

“Baby, please. It’ll take a lot more than that to kill me. I knew the risks when I decided to support that movement, even if it was just for my own political and financial gain.”

“I-I know, but… It just hurts, you know?” She said, and I almost snorted aloud. Bitch, you weren’t the one who got stabbed here.

“I understand, baby. I’ll be more careful, I promise.” I gave her a quick kiss on the forehead, “And I want you to do the same. Always keep your bodyguards close.” She gave me a weary smile and nodded.

Once she calmed herself down, she sniffed and asked, “So how did it go, aside from that?” I couldn’t help but give her a laugh.

“It was fucked! I can’t believe you put up with fucks like that all day!” She snorted, and I continued ranting- “First thing I go to do is sit down and have a cigarette, and this bitch calls me up front! Says we overcharged her five fucking bits for potatoes! Then once the cashier fixed it, she had the audacity to complain to me!” I was going off, and Dee was laughing her ass off.

“Like, can you fuckin’ believe it!? There’s people the world over, griffons especially, dying in the street because they can’t even afford food! And that small inconvenience is so terrible, you have to bitch to someone about it!?” I groaned in annoyance and Dee was holding her side from laughing.

“Glad I taught that bitch a lesson.” I gave a dark chuckle.

“Hehe, yeah- wait, what?” Dee stopped her laughter and a dark grin formed on my face.

“Kyeh, yeah! Held a knife to her throat and had the cashier charge her double. Wasn’t so smug after that, I’ll tell ya.” After a few seconds, I heard my wife facepalm.

“Isn’t threatening my customers the one thing I told you not to do?” I spread my arms out and said,

“Well, she deserved it!” She took a deep breath and rubbed the bridge of her nose.

“What… dare I ask, what else happened?” Let me see- I almost pissed myself after being held hostage for an hour by an old man, almost strangled a newlywed couple, idly fucked around for awhile…

“Not anything, really.” She breathed a sigh of relief.

“If you say so.” Finally, she began to giggle. “I told you it was a whole ‘nother world.” I gave her a smile.

Aside from discussing the narrative I wanted to push, the rest of the ride home was uneventful. Thankfully, Dee said she was more than happy to handle all that stuff- which left me with plenty of time to rest at home. She helped me up to our penthouse, which thank fuck had an elevator, and I was just chilling on the couch.

“Alright, honey… see you later?” She said, and I smiled and nodded, kissing her on the cheek.

“Stay safe out there! Love ya.” She smiled, and soon, I was left to my own devices. With nothing better to do- I decided to start drawing up plans for that hoofgun.

---

Honestly? Being stabbed is hardly the worst thing to happen to me, in this life or the last. Nowhere near as difficult as dealing with the revelation that there was a louse living in my mouth, I’ll tell you that for free.

Given time to ponder- I began to wonder why- Why I was brought here, why it wasn’t anyone else, what my purpose was… Well, that’s not entirely correct. The way I see it, life has whatever meaning you assign to it, and your purpose is whatever you want it to be.

In my past life, I was just another degenerate gangster. It was difficult being the only woman in the organization- and I had to work three times as hard to keep proving my worth. In a way, it felt as though my life and destiny were in the hands of others, and it’s not wrong at all to say that. I really did owe a lifetime debt to my boss for when he got me out of my first death sentence.

I was 17 at the time. I’d dropped out of school at 15 and decided to make a name for myself. This was in the middle of the 60s- so there were plenty of opportunities to make a name for yourself and even more if you happened to be a man. That’s why I always hung out with “The Boys”- because they had the skills, and I had the ambition.

We wasted no time- within a few years, we had most of the New York waterfront in our back pocket at the time. It was small pennies compared to what the Mob itself were making- but it was still good for kids our age. At that point, I had no problems with taking out my rivals.

Ah, to be young and dumb- while I was good at killing, I didn’t quite learn how to cover my tracks at the time- so me and a couple friends of mine were arrested and slapped with life sentences.

Naturally, I survived prison by doing what I did best- being a violent maniac. My friends were doing the same in the male ward, and caught the attention of some prominent gangsters. They promised my friends that they would get them out of jail- but my friends refused unless they managed to bail me out, too. So, one retrial later; one in which all the witnesses either didn’t show up or changed their stories, and I was free.

That’s right- I was saved from being killed the first time by sheer, dumb luck. After that, I rose in the ranks and eventually was in charge of the hit team- but the fact that I was a woman still made things difficult. I was working three times as hard as these fucks, yet a bunch of them didn’t see me as anything more than “That broad on the hit squad.”

Don’t get me wrong, I loved my job and I loved doing what I did- but fuck it was exhausting. And the more I think about it- I feel as though my past life only served the purpose of preparing me for this one. When I was born here- I knew what I was doing. I knew how to survive, how to fight, how to manipulate- and how to kill.

But yet, I also experienced so much more while I was here, things I never had the time to learn or experience back then- how to love and how to be loved. I feel as though that’s a far more precious thing than any survival skill. Hell, in retrospect, were my “friends” in the organization even real friends? I don’t feel the same way for any of them like the way I feel for Emmie. I don’t know.

But at the end of the day- it is what it is, I suppose.

Eventually, I was brought out of my idle wanderings by my wife entering the penthouse. I smelled something wonderful- Chineighse takeout. My stomach rumbled, and I realized I hadn’t eaten all day. I greeted my wife with a kiss and we began to dig in.

“Figured you’d be hungry.” She said with a giggle, and I was too busy shoveling food into my mouth to grace her with an answer. I finally stopped to take a breath and chuckled.

“You know me so well. How’d it go?” I asked her in between mouthfuls of beef lo-mane.

“Quite well, actually. The media’s going wild with the story about the local temperance hero getting shanked in a Barnyard Bargains.” I smiled and nodded in satisfaction. “I even got you a radio interview in a couple days.”

I paused briefly, slurping up some noodles. “You did vet the questions first, right?” I asked and she nodded. “Good.”

“Yeah, there shouldn’t be anything too personal in there. And even if there is, you’re the best bullshitter I know.” I snorted in response.

“True that.”

---

Just as I expected, media support for the temperance movement was unanimous- although for me, it was more of a bootlegging movement. Pedantics, though. Thankfully, the wound had been healing quite nicely- as I found out, the guy cut me long, but not too terribly deep- so it would heal rather quickly. Especially since I found out that the ambient magic of Equestria actually has a positive effect on healing. I won’t pretend to know how it works.

Within these few days, I was back to walking on my own and I’m sure within a couple weeks, I’m sure Dee and I will be back to fucking up the bedframe. But until then- I still had that radio interview to do. I was wearing my normal gear and took a carriage.

I was instructed to take the elevator to the penthouse of the tower- which is where the studio was. When I got to the top, I decided to play up my injuries by limping around.

“Oh, goodness! Can I assist you?” The desk clerk came up to greet me, and I waved her off.

“Nah, I’m fine. Just get me a chair.” I was ushered into the recording studio and greeted the presenter with a nod.

“Nice to finally meet you, Mrs. Grimfeather! My name’s Radio Wave- but you can call me Rose.” She almost looked like she was monochrome, with a dark gray coat and a black mane, with light gray eyes. I gave her a smile,

“Pleasure’s all mine. And please, call me Leona.” She smiled and nodded, shuffling some papers. The studio was a simple setup, with a large panel full of doo-dads and devices, and one microphone between us.

“Well, Leona, I just wanna go over a few things before we start. First thing is basic rules- No swearing, no saying inappropriate things, the basic stuff.” I nodded simply. “But of course, I’m sure you already knew that. This interview is gonna be a casual ordeal- I’m gonna be asking you about yourself, your involvement with the temperance movement, that sort of stuff.”

“Sounds easy enough. When we goin’ live?” I asked, and she checked her watch.

“Right… now.” She said, leaning into the mic and hitting a switch.

“Good afternoon, Manehattan! This is Radio Rose coming live from The Downtown Rook Studios. Today, I’ll be interviewing a special guest!” She gave a brief pause for dramatic effect. “You may know her as an avid supporter of the temperance movement, and I’m sure that more of you have heard of the recent tragedy which has befallen her! But did you know? She also invented and patented the Grimfeather-Eye method of ammonia production, which is predicted to increase the world's farming output by 100 fold! Introducing our guest- Leona Grimfeather.” I was a little impressed, actually- she did her homework, evidently.

“How’s it goin’? Name’s Leona.” Rose just gave a giggle in response.

“So let’s start with that whole ‘ammonia’ thing- Leona, what inspired you to invent such a process?” She asked, and I figured I could use this opportunity to make some good publicity for myself.

“Well, as you know, the world's population has increased dramatically in the last 100 years. I was doing research and realized a troubling fact- despite earth pony magic feeding the ground, the production of crops has stayed largely the same, and has stagnated. Eventually, I believed that the world's population could potentially exceed the crop output- leading to needless suffering and starvation.” While this was very much true- it was far, far from the main reason. Now I know how Haber felt.

“Oh, wow.” She said, and I chuckled.

“Yeah! It’s a long process, but the short of it is that ammonia gets turned to fertilizer. My hope with this is that large surpluses of crops will go to the needy and the destitute- especially back home in The Confederacy.” She hummed in response.

“Really? How noble of you. I’m surprised the crown hasn’t recognized such a great achievement- I know medals of goodwill and friendship have been granted for less.”

“Well, I didn’t do it for a medal, you know? Princess Twilight actually did offer to grant me that medal- but I turned it down… Plus- it wasn’t just my invention. My good friend, Mind’s Eye, was also a key player in its creation. Ah, but that’s enough about that- I never really liked bragging about my accomplishments, you know?” That’s a fuckin’ lie.

“And she’s humble, too!” Rose said with a giggle. “But enough of that- tell me, what are your thoughts on the temperance movement… as well as the incident, if you’re willing to talk about it.”

“Well, like I said- I’m not doing it for the recognition, I’m doing it because it’s a cause in which I believe in. And the fact that some people would resort to violence as a means to revenge tells me that I’m doing the right thing. It’s a shame, really! That stallion was gravely injured because my hand was forced when I had to defend myself.” I did my best to exaggerate the sadness in my voice. “It’s a tragedy- if he never even had the opportunity to start drinking, he may very well still be alive.”

Rose looked at me somberly. “It must have been difficult to go through that.”

“Absolutely, it was! But if anything, it’s made me double down on my efforts to remove this poison from our society. If we keep up at this rate- half the nation will be in straitjackets while the other half is tying them up.”

“Let me tell you, Leona- you’re far more noble than any of those stuffy elites in Canterlot. You’re doing good work- you’re doing Celestia’s work. Keep fighting the good fight, sis!” She said, checking her pocket watch. “But there’s one more thing I wanted to address before we ran out of time.”

“Spill it.” I said.

“There have been… rumors. Hearsay, really- of you doing some… dodgy stuff.” I cocked an eyebrow at her.

“What you talkin’ bout?”

“Well, for example- one mare told us that you hired a gang of griffons to destroy her shop to coerce her into paying you protection money. I’m not accusing you, of course- I just wanna hear your thoughts.” I scoffed at her, giving her a mock look of offense.

“That’s all lies and slander!” I said, “I would never do such a thing. You know what it is? It’s probably anti-temperance folks trying to drag my name through the mud. Let me tell you- I’ve been kicked out of establishments before because of my support for the movement.”

“That’s a darn shame!” She said, and I nodded.

“Yeah! Not only that- I’ve been refused service before, just because I’m a griffon! The fact that such discrimination still exists in this city is just heartbreaking.”

“I agree wholeheartedly, Leona. It’s a terrible shame that our nation, which was built on the principles of love and tolerance, still allows such hatred and ignorance to flourish.”

“Isn’t it? While I can’t solve all of society’s problems- I fully intend on stamping out the alcohol problem, you mark my words.” I gave her a smirk, and she smiled and nodded.

“Well, folks- I hate to say it, but that’s all the time I have today. Tune in next week, where we’ll be interviewing the Mayor on these issues. As always- thank you for tuning in! We appreciate ya’s!”

She pressed a button and the music resumed playing. She gave me a smile and held out a hoof, which I grabbed to shake.

“Thanks so much, Leona. It was wonderful having you here.” I just shrugged.

“Eh, don’t mention it. I’m always happy to spread the good word, ya know?”

And on that note, I said my goodbyes and parted ways. I think it went well, all things considered. Hopefully the mounting pressure will force the mayor to enact the new temperance policies sooner.

Sooner that happens, the sooner I become richer than Croesus.

Flying High Again

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Ah, the joys and wonders of ~~bribery~~ lobbying. About 3 months after that whole debacle with the media and me getting stabbed, the Mayor was forced to enact his policies much, much sooner than expected- and in fact, has caused temperance movements all over the country to bolster their efforts. It was fine by me- the more alcohol is banned, the bigger my potential customer base.

But that also comes with some risks and difficulties- for example, it’s hard to run an industrial still in any sort of clandestine manner. So rather than a few large distilleries, I had several medium-sized distilleries scattered about the city and its outskirts. I even had a few smuggling operations going on to bring in large quantities of liquor from neighboring counties.

And the speakeasy’s themselves? Fuckin’ boomin’. In fact, we’re bringing in so much money that it would soon become suspicious- so tomorrow morning, I’ll be doing something I hadn’t done in a long, long time.

I was gonna cross the ocean to Fellrock, to the kingdom of Minos. It was the home of the minotaurs- just south of Catlus on the west coast, situated within the great Southern Jungles. It was relatively close to the equator- just a bit further south, you’ll come across the deadlands. And beyond that?

Well, I dunno. It hasn’t really been explored yet. Maybe someday I’ll fund an expedition down that way- after all, there may just be more answers about this louse. While I’ve since accepted the situation- I still want to know what the fuck and why the fuck, you know?

But anyways, back to the minotaurs- it’s the equivalent of having a Swiss bank account. They have quite the reputation as excellent, and strict, bankers- not even the Equestrian Crown has access to their records. Part of the reason is that they’re so well defended- despite being half-cow, they are far from herd animals. The jungles themselves are quite dangerous and well defended- home to flesh-grazing deer, sentient moss which sneaks up on you and blows up, and, among other things, the dreaded Cocaine Bears.

Going on yet another tangent- sentience DOES NOT equal intelligence! Sentient simply implies that a creature is able to move on its own and think independently. Cats and dogs are sentient- trees are not. When you’re describing something capable of higher reasoning and thinking, you call it sapient- ie, homo sapiens. I don’t know why that bothers me so much.

FURTHERMORE- you may be wondering why I’m addressing you, the reader, in my personal diary- well, it’s simple. If I died suddenly, I want this journal chronicling my life to be read by whoever may want to, for posterity. I’ll either be lauded as the world's savior or I’ll be reviled as this world's Hitler.

I think I might have ADHD, to be honest.

Back to the present- I was just chilling in our penthouse. It was early in the morning in the middle of spring and Dee had already left, so I was just smoking on our balcony with my silk bathrobe on. I lifted my coffee to my beak to take a sip… then I heard the doorbell ringing. I groaned in annoyance, leaving my cigarette on the ashtray whilst grumbling about just who the fuck could possibly be here so early.

I opened the door.

“Twilight?” I said, genuinely surprised to see her here. I gave her a faint smile. “What ya doin’ here?” One of the two guards flanking her waved his spear in a “threatening” manner.

“You will address your Princess with respect, knave.” I snorted, and Twilight put a wing in the air.

“Ease off. Please, wait outside- I’d like to speak to her in private.” Oh, here we go. They nodded respectfully and backed off, and Twilight shut the door behind her.

“Well, don’t be a stranger.” I said with a smug smirk- “Come in, make yourself comfortable.” Her expression remained stern. I hopped on the couch, leaning against the arm.

“We have some serious business to discuss, Leona.” I just snorted.

“Then don’t make yourself comfy. More couch space for me!” She rolled her eyes at me and took a seat on the recliner. “So- how’s that whole ‘sole ruler of the biggest empire on the planet’ thing working out?” I asked her sarcastically.

She sighed- then rolled her eyes with a faint smile. “It’s a cakewalk- All I have to do is keep legions of stuffy nobles entertained and keep the populace happy, all the while making sure the nation doesn’t fall to pieces. Oh- and raising the massive, heavy celestial bodies. Piece of cake, really.” I snorted out a bit of laughter-

“Yeah, Celestia’s body is heavy. I can see your frustration.” Twilight rolled her eyes at me with a grin and said,

“You’re such an ass, Leona. Glad that’s never changed.” I just shrugged.

“Eh, what can I say? But let’s get to the point- this obviously wasn’t intended to be an old acquaintance get-together. So, what do you need?” She bit her lip then glanced off to the side nervously- then sighed.

“Alright, Leona. Allow me to be frank- you’re up to something. I don’t know what, but I know it can’t be good.” I smirked.

“What makes you say that?”

“Because I’ve known you almost your whole life, Leona. You don’t just do things for no reason. Why did you invent a process for making ammonia out of the blue? Why were you so insistent on supporting the temperance movement? Why are there rumors of you meeting up with certain shady individuals every month?” She took in a deep breath, “And why are there rumors of you terrorizing local business owners? Nothing adds up!”

“And just what the fuck are you accusing me of?” I crossed my arms and scowled at her.

“Leona- remember that still near Ponyville that blew up?” I felt my heart skip a beat. “I know that was yours! Heck, almost everypony knew that still was your doing!”

“You have no proof.”

“See! It’s not, no I didn’t, it’s you can’t prove it.” Well, shit- she has me there. “Leona, you have to understand- people care about you. And no matter what you do, this house of cards you’ve built is gonna fall over, and I won’t be able to do a thing to stop it.” I merely grit my beak at her.

“Twilight, you don’t know the first fucking thing about me or my plans.”

“You’re right- I don’t know a single thing about what you’re planning. What I do know is that you’re such a kind and caring griffon- I don’t want to see you losing everything because you’re in over your head!” I blinked at her- then chuckled.

“Kind? Twilight, I’m kind to everyone. That’s just how I am.” Usually. I scowled at her, “But if you’re unkind to me? Then kindness is not what you’ll remember me for.”

After a few moments of consideration, Twilight looked at me and sighed. “Alright, Leona. You’re dead set on this path, wherever it may lead.” She got up and began to make her leave. “But don’t think the Crown won’t be keeping a close eye on your endeavors.” I just snorted at her. Just as she was about to leave, I said-

“Just know, Twilight- I fully intend on becoming your equal on the world's stage. You mark my words." She stopped and looked at me.

“Just be safe. Your Mamma’s worried about you.” I just realized- my claws were digging quite deep into the arm of the couch. After she left, I decided it best to go out on my balcony and smoke heavily.

---

I calmed down considerably after half a pack of cigarettes. I was still upset at her- especially how she flippantly brought Mamma into the conversation- but fuck it. As I said- she had no proof of any wrongdoing.

Since this was Dee and I’s last day together before my trip, I decided to make it special. I made us a delicious vegetable stew for dinner and was excitedly awaiting her arrival. The door opened- and I greeted her with a kiss. We were eating our dinner and making smalltalk about how our days went.

“But that’s about how my day went.” She said, eating her dinner with a smile. “How’d it go for you?” She asked, and I just shrugged.

“Oh, you know. Spent most of the day reading and thinking about you. The usual, really.” I said with a smirk, and she giggled. I then paused for a moment. “Twilight stopped by today.” She stopped, her spoon halfway to her mouth. She set it back into the bowl.

“What did she want?”

“It’s…” I glanced around nervously. “She’s suspicious of us. She wanted to know what we were up to.” Dee put a hoof to her mouth in quiet contemplation.

“What did she know?”

“She knew about our still in Ponyville. I don’t believe she has any concrete evidence as to our current doings, though. Still- it’s unsettling.” She nodded slowly.

“Just… just be careful, alright?” I said to her, grabbing her hoof. “Same as always, really.” She just looked at me and chuckled.

“Oh, please. That bookworm’ll never have a clue what we’re doing. We’ve been covering our tracks this entire time. We have half the city in our pocket. And if necessary- we have enough money to make most of Canterlot turn a blind eye. We’ll be fine, baby.” I thought about it for a second, then giggled.

“Ah, you’re right. We are obscenely rich, aren’t we?” She blinked at me in confusion.

“... What does my great grandfather have to do with us?” … right- her family name is Rich.

“Don’t worry about it.” I gave her a kiss on the cheek and we finished our dinner. I told her to get a quick shower- I had a surprise, and I wanted to get ready for her.

I lit a bunch of candles in our bedroom and began to put on a new outfit I recently bought- Black panties with gold hemwork, a garter belt holding up mesh thigh-highs, and an open-front ‘bra’ which served to exaggerate the size of my chest fluff. I had a choker around my neck, with a specially made tourniquet which could be quickly tightened and loosened.

Nearby on our dresser was an assortment of tools- including but not limited to: Whips. Chains. Ballgags. Matches. Ropes. Blindfolds. Vibrators. Strap-ons. Riding crops. Beartraps. Cigars. A cloth and a jug of water. A noose. Iron clamps. A medieval flail. And among other things- an unloaded pistol. Even though I knew it was unloaded- the feeling of two barrels being pressed to the back of your head while your mistress calls you a pathetic worm while threatening to blow your brains out and fuck the hole all the while pounding your… anyways…

It’s quite thrilling. She’s a kinky bitch, and I fucking l o v e it.

I was laying on the bed waiting when she walked in, her eyes widening when she saw me. Her mane was still wet from the shower- God, why does wet mane look so fucking sexy?

“What d’ya think, baby? Tonight, I’m your genie- rub me the right way and I’ll fulfill your every wish.” I said, rolling onto my back and presenting my belly to her. My rear paws curled in anticipation as her expression of surprise morphed into a sheer, sadistic rictus grin.

“I wish…” She said, rubbing my belly vigorously. I gasped- after all, that’s where my tits were. All six of them. “To be your Empress.” She said, and I moaned out-

“Y-your wish is my command, Empress Tiara.” Fear and arousal blended together to create a wonderful cacophony of feelings in my brain.

It was some intense roleplaying going on. We were playing an intense game of Oubliettes and Ogres- so intense that someone called the guards on us.

They were living three floors down.

It was a special night indeed.

Ok, enough of that. We didn’t just make love. We fucked. It was a special thing for us, really. After a night of passion, I’d be left feeling bruised and battered, used and abused- yet wholly satisfied. But after we were finished- she made me feel like the most special gal in the world. She’d hold me close, bandage my wounds if necessary and make sure I was feeling alright. She’d tell me how brave and strong I was, and how happy I made her.

Despite the sheer, sadistic violence- it felt wholesome, in a way. When we snuggled together and she wrapped her hooves around me, it made me feel like instead of me protecting her wellbeing, she was protecting mine. We were inseparable and I loved her with all my heart. It was a precious thing, indeed.

Like I said earlier- for the sake of posterity, let it be known that despite her sadistic tendencies- Diamond Tiara is still a loving, caring mare to those she’s close with. Although- this one might be a bit too TMI for the history books. Whatever.

---

The next day, I was feeling quite sore- but I’d be fine. I had my usual outfit on, including my pistols and cutlass. I’d packed plenty of spare outfits and books to read on the journey. Since I was rich- I wouldn’t have to walk anywhere, so I’d simply pay for food and transport.

All my business was left in the hands of my second in command, Ulysses. I’ve been working with him since I got to the city, he’s been on board ever since I explained to him my ultimate goal of taking back the Confederacy for the griffons. He was a soldier before- and like many griffons, still felt quite bitter about the whole situation.

His actual name is Lee- but I started calling him Ulysses because, quite frankly, Ulysses was a badass and kicked Lee’s ass in the civil war. Lee (the griffon) liked the sound of the name, and quickly adopted it for everyday use.

Based.

Dee was at the station with me- and regarded me with a smile.

“I guess this is goodbye, for now?” She asked, sounding somewhat saddened by my departure.

“It’s only for a month or so at most, baby. I’ll be back- I promise.” I pulled her in for a deep hug and we shared a kiss. The train was boarding, and I had to go.

“Stay safe!” I yelled back towards her as I boarded. I made my way to the seat and lowered my hat over my face- after all, I didn’t get much sleep last night.

Way I see it, I’ve earned a nap.

Boats N' Hoers

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I had a long journey ahead of me- so thankfully, I planned to get as much shit done in the old country as I possibly could. First was the thing with the minotaurs, obviously. Then I would have to take a boat north to Catlus and get permission to pay griffons to start digging up the guano islands off the coast for saltpeter purposes. Then I’m gonna head up to Featherworth to get permission from the king to open up factories along the rivers.

If you haven’t figured it out by now, I’m planning to dig The Confederacy out of depression with a wartime economy. I’ll have to set up factories to manufacture saltpeter, gunpowder, gun parts, gun stocks, ammo, gas masks, canned goods for rations, not to mention goods of various types- as well as warehouses to store said goods.

This whole operation was a massive, massive fucking gamble- which is why I intended to get the king of Fertilia on my side for now. I planned to betray and depose him later- but all in due time.

Not only that, I’m absolutely planning on starting our raid in the southeast, in the hilly regions of Corvyn. Allegedly, there’s a ton of gold in those mountains- it was simply a matter of putting the dogs to work on it. Not to mention- their dens typically lie in valleys between hills- making them the most ideal locations for assault.

Actually… or would it be more worthwhile to hit the northeastern mountains of Northumbria, which are rich in coal and iron? The coal will also be necessary for production- just as it always has been. It will allow me to open factories closer to where the frontlines are without having to rely on river power. More jobs means more money in the economy, more money means more people are buying goods, more goods being bought equals more money in the economy… But I also have to consider if these factories are ready to hop back into production? Many of them are guaranteed to be in disrepair after so long.

I also have to consider- centralized banking and paper money. If instead of using the heavy old bit, I could potentially print liquidity for short term gain… actually, maybe not. Inflation… financial inflation is a slippery slope I’d like to avoid in these early days. But then again… Maybe I’ll let my wife handle all the number crunching. She’s good at that stuff.

I also have to consider my army. The large bulk of the army would be made up of infantrymen… and infantrywomen. ACTUALLY- gender neutral infantry. Yeah. I keep getting distracted, where was I….

The infantry will make up the bulk of the force. They’ll be the back line troops- Armed with long rifles and firing volleys from “whites of their eyes'' distance. They’ll be armed simply- each with a cutlass and a bayonet for their rifle. Oh, I’d also have to pay someone to design their uniforms. I’m thinking of sticking with that black fabric gold hemwork design I love so much? Hell yeah.

I’ll also have to find some skilled fighters to make up the bulk of my shock troops. I’m still thinking on what to call them- I’m thinking of The Dreadnoughts, or the Black Crows, perhaps. I’ll have to spitball ideas with Ulysses at some point.

Their kit will be less standard- I’ll let them have a small selection of what they want to bring, depending on their fighting styles. They would… they would…

Fuck it, I can't do this anymore. I have a massive headache right now, and the four aspirin I took earlier haven't done a thing. When I get to Bittsburgh, I'm gonna rent a motel for the night then take a train to Baltimare where I would then take a boat to Minos. It wasn’t the original plan- but I really needed to get some sleep. Originally, I was just gonna switch trains immediately.

God, my head's pounding and I can't remember how long the train ride and boat ride will be, but it'll be fucking long. Most likely, it’s just from attempting to write while on a bumpy train or not getting enough sleep last night.

---

Thankfully, I woke up feeling considerably better- but just to be safe, I threw back a couple tabs of aspirin. I’d hate to get another headache out of friggin nowhere like that. But anyways, back to the here and now.

Bittsburgh is a fuckin vibe all on its own. The place is an industrial powerhouse, and there’s always a dense smog lingering in the sky due to the sheer amount of factories. It almost gave off a sort of steampunk vibe. Sadly, though- my time here would be short. I had a train to catch, after all. I’ll definitely be keeping this place on the forefront of my mind though.

After all- I might need a doctor who specializes in bionic prosthetics to join my crew at some point.

Wait. What?

It was nice being rich. I could afford to rent a private train car and everything. The trip was estimated to take a good five hours or so- so I just decided to catch up on some reading.

Or at least, that was a plan. As it turned out- I shared a destination with a good friend of mine.

“Excuse me, ma’am-” I looked up from my book and smiled when I saw it was Emmie, of all people! “This seat taken?”

I wasted no time scooting over. “So how the hell’ve ya been?” I asked him, shutting my book and setting it nearby on the bench. He giggled and smiled,

“Ah, you know. The same old stuff, really. I’ve been reading up on the Neighcronomicon- but I’ve had little success in figuring out anything about this King in Yellow.” I cocked an eyebrow at him and asked,

“You really think you should be reading that thing?” Briefly, I remembered back to the apparent rumors surrounding my mothers parents- and couldn’t help but wonder. He just shrugged it off.

“Eh, with all the hoops I had to jump through to get permission, I’d be remiss to not read it at this point. Oh, actually- I did find something out.” He said, rummaging through his bag. He pulled out a piece of paper with-

“The Yellow Sign.” I said, beholding the black and white sketch he pulled out. “Don’t ask why I know the name, because I’m trying to figure that out myself.” Of course- I knew the answer to that. I distinctly recognized it from a particular book I read on earth. Emmie scratched his chin.

“I wonder if it’s from a residual memory or something?” I just shrugged.

“Truth be told, I haven’t really had the time to experiment with it recently. Hell, I can’t even remember the last time I even thought about going on a proper hunt. The money’s just elsewhere in Manehattan.”

“True that. Still- if you do find anything interesting it can do, keep me posted.” He said, and I gave him a smug grin.

“Well, it boosted my head game by a factor of a hundred.” He just rolled his eye at me.

“I swear- are you ever not horny?” Then I told him,

“Only after a good fuckin’!” He snorted, saying-

“How long? For five minutes?”

“Bullshit, it’s at least seven minutes!” We both shared a laugh for that one. “So anyways- What’re you headin’ to Baltimare for?”

“My optometrist lives there. Gotta pop in for a visit every now and then, on account of…” He pointed to his patched over eye, and I nodded in understanding. “What about you?” He asked.

I regaled to him my plans of getting shit ready all across the old country, and in hushed tones I explained that I would also begin financing the war effort from behind the scenes. Thankfully, there weren't that many ponies nearby, and the sounds of the moving train were loud enough that we could talk in private.

“What d’ya think?” I asked him with a smug grin.

“I think it’s a fantastic idea! But also…” He glanced off to the side and said, “Are you really, really sure you wanna get involved in an all-out war like that?” He asked me in hushed tones, and I was a little taken aback.

“Come on, Emmie. You know damn well I ain’t afraid to kill.” And I truly wasn’t, either.

“I know, but… there are stories about soldiers going to war and coming back different. And especially with that… thing, you made… Things are likely to get terrible.” Then he turned and looked me in the eye, saying- “It won’t just target combatants. Men, women, children… they live in those dens too.” I just snorted in response. While I admit, I never thought about it in any sort of deep manner-

“Eh, fuck ‘em. Kids are just future combatants anyway.” Little did I know how much I would come to regret this statement. Emmie just shrugged.

“If you’re sure.”

I decided to change the topic after that. We spent the next while just idly catching up, and I briefly mentioned my thoughts on funding expeditions down below the equator. Of course, he agreed with that- He believes that below Equestria could potentially be even more signs of ancient griffon civilizations like the one we found.

Of course- I wasn’t interested in visiting them personally. Last thing I need is like, fuckin’ zombie horsehair worms digging through my brain or something. Or maybe I do- it might give me cool powers like in one of those Neighponese comics I’ve been trying to get my wife into.

You know- like the Mane-iac from Power Ponies, but with brainworms instead of having really fucked up hair.

Thankfully, Emmie made the four hour train ride go by pretty fast.

“Well, guess this is goodbye?” I said, wrapping him in a hug.

“For now, at least. It was great seeing you again!” I gave him a smile and nodded.

“Likewise, bud.” I said as we parted ways. After all, I had some Biz to attend to. I retrieved my suitcases and held one under each wing. It was a little awkward since the one was as long as my body- but it was a sacrifice I had to make. After all, the case held the prototype of the infantry rifle I’d been designing.

First things first, though, I had a meeting with a business partner of mine. I made my way down the streets, passing all the mid-sized red brick storefronts, and heading straight for the docks.

The docks themselves were bustling with life- ships of all sizes getting loaded and unloading their cargo, sweaty laborers either with the union or working for peanuts. The cool ocean breeze felt heavenly on my face- despite it being mid-spring, the sun was quite hot today.

Inside of the main warehouse, my destination was in an office situated on the viewing balcony- you know, the place where the clipboard jockey stands and silently judges everyone… Or it’s an enforcer, ready to cave someone’s skull in at the smallest hint of a scuffle or a riot.

I knocked on the office door twice- and promptly let myself in, greeting the fat old griffon with a faint smile. “Long time no see, Derek.” He looked at me and snorted.

“I thought you was supposed to be here last night?” He was a Fertilia native, much like myself- so we shared a bit of a kindred spirit in that manner.

“Eh, shit happens. I won’t bore you with the details.” I sat down on the chair across from him- “So, you find what I asked for?” He pulled out a manilla folder and slid it over.

“I already scouted this guy out good. He won’t give ya any problems. He’s a griffon- so he’s desperate for whatever business he can get, even if it is shady.” As you can imagine, cross-ocean shipping became a bit less lucrative due to the whole economic situation. “He ain’t chargin’ a king's ransom, but it’ll still be a pretty bit.” I looked the dossier over and nodded in satisfaction.

If you haven’t figured it out yet- I still needed someone to transport all my hard-earned money across the ocean to the minotaurs. I couldn’t ship it from Manehattan docks- the Crown would be watching that, Twilight confirmed as much… but I’m not an idiot. I figured she’d be on my ass about it, so I thought ahead.

This way worked out, as I already had this branch of the longshorepony’s union on my payroll. I’ll be honest- I didn’t like putting all this faith on all these subordinates… but I didn’t have a choice, either. My plate’s full as it is- and I don’t have time to micromanage every single aspect. The eggs are piling up- but if I can keep them together long enough, I’ll be making the mother of all omelets here. The Grimfeather crime family was getting quite extensive here.

“And what about my ship?” I asked, and he pulled a ticket out of a drawer.

“You’re in luck. It leaves in…” He checked his pocket watch. “About an hour. First class accommodations, of course. Your shipment of loot should be departing about the same time, too.” I looked at him and nodded.

“All in unmarked or falsely marked crates, right?” I asked, and he nodded.

“As far as the port authority’s concerned, some pony called Green Clover is shipping potatoes across the sea as part of a relief effort. Nevermind the fact that it’s heading to Minos.” I held out my hand and we shook.

“Keep up the good work, Derek.” He nodded and said to me,

“If you think you can save the old country, you have my full support.” Thankfully, between payroll and a sense of patriotism, just about all my subordinates were plenty motivated to stay on my side. It still stressed me out, though.

The ship I would be taking was fuckin massive! It was a big steel thing, powered by massive steam engines and was called the RMS Goliath. Thankfully, I didn’t have to worry about any icebergs- I could simply fly away, after all. And just because I’m paranoid, I also packed myself a map and compass- just in case.

Chekhov’s gun is loaded for bear at the moment.

Derek was right about the first class accommodations, though. It looked like a really fancy hotel room- and even had a bathroom with hot water! The whole journey would be about five days- so I intended to just chill.

---

Four days into the long journey, I was feeling quite bored- so I decided to continue where I left off on the train. This room had a writing desk and everything- shit was so cash.

Where was I… Ah, yes. Shocktroopers kit.

As I was saying, each one would carry their weapon of choice, within reason. Clubs, swords, axes- whatever their fighting style may be. I’ll also arm each of us with a blunderbuss, as well as plenty of spare shot and powder.

As for loading the blunderbuss- the pre rolled paper cartridges I was using for my pistols and rifle wouldn’t suffice. I’m thinking of having the powder stored in a paper baggie which you would tear open with your claws and pour down the barrel. The paper would then be jammed down as a wad. The shot would be set up in the same way- with a baggie being full of bullets, and the paper rammed over top like a top wad, preventing the load from rolling out.

Anyways… Each of us would be armed with a small tank or two of chlorine gas- not enough for an open battlefield, but a couple small canisters of the stuff going off in say, a cave, would fill up pretty fast.

I also have to consider uniform design. It would have to cover the whole body, obviously. When I was initially testing the stuff, the small concentrations I was using in the lab weren’t enough to penetrate the layer of feathers and fur- but in a cave, it absolutely would. I’m thinking of using light plate armor over a heavy, full-body suit. Even the tail would have to be covered. The wings, however, would be a problem. How do I protect them without severely limiting mobility? Although, now that I think about it… I don’t think we’ll be doing much flying in those mines. Still, they’re quite important for balance purposes.

I wonder if I could protect them with a removable cover? Almost like a condom for your wings… Or a glove, I guess. Oh, shit, speaking of which, I gotta make sure it’s practical to use these guns with gloves. Widening the trigger guard should do the trick. I also have to consider-

CCCCREEEEEEEEEAK!

I looked up from what I was writing, immediately recognizing the sound of scraping along with buckling metal. I sighed in annoyance and began calmly packing my suitcase. I put my compass and map in one of my coat pockets and grabbed my hat and a decent sized canteen of water, making my way past the panicked crowds to the top deck. Ponies were scrambling all over trying to get to the lifeboats and I rolled my eyes in annoyance. Fuckin’ herd mentality, man.

Calmly, I started my eastbound flight to Minos. Thankfully, it was only about a day or so away.

---

A long journey and several rest stops atop clouds later, I was fuckin beat. I felt disgusting- I was drenched in sweat, my feathers were full of salt, and I probably smelled like rotten fish. It was late at night, so I wasted no time in finding a local inn to pass out at.

The city was named Tauroy and looked Greek as fuck. White marble columns, red tile roofs, and since it was late at night, the only minotaurs out and about I could ask for directions from were guards. They looked like Greek hoplites- dressed in brass armor and toga’s, wielding a massive shield and carrying pikes.

“Hey, pal.” I asked one of them, and he gave me a funny look. “Any way you could point me towards a hotel?” I asked him.

“... You’re out awfully late. May I ask why?” I just groaned in annoyance.

“Look bud, the ship I was taking here hit an iceberg and sank and I was in a hurry. I decided to just fly the rest of the trip because I got shit to do tomorrow.” The guard cocked an eyebrow at me and I groaned in annoyance. Wordlessly, I grabbed a handful of coins out of my bag and forked ‘em over.

“Keep heading down the main road here. You’ll come across the inn- you’ll see the sign out front. You can’t miss it.” I nodded in thanks.

Ding!

“Sorry, Miss, but the bar’s closing.” The barmaid said, barely sparing me a glance as she cleaned a table with a rag.

“I just need a room for the night and I don’t drink. I have money, if that’s your concern.” She stopped what she was doing and turned around.

“In that case-” She regarded me with a smile. “20 bits a night.” That was fucking exorbitant and I don’t think she expected me to pay it.

“Deal.” I said with no hesitation, grabbing a small purse out of my bag and tossing it to her. She gave me a look of surprise as she picked up the bag, examining its contents to make sure I wasn’t ripping her off. “Can I have my room yet?” I asked, and she wordlessly tossed me a key.

“Upstairs. Room number’s on your key.” She said, and I made my trek upstairs. I locked the door behind me and used a wooden chair to make sure it couldn’t be opened- just in case. On that note, I threw my bags and suitcases in the corner and passed the fuck out.

The House That Built Me

View Online

I think it was about noon-ish when I finally woke up. My wings were sore as hell and I still felt greasy- so I decided to delay my plans even further. I was overall feeling like a give-no-fucks mood today, and the fact that I was eating cold ravioli straight from the can was pretty indicitive of that… especially since I didn’t have a proper fork. I was considering putting some raviolis in my pocket for later use, but ultimately decided against it.

After all- my coat was still filthy from yesterday's debacle. And, you know- carrying ravioli in your pocket is stupid.

After my mid-afternoon breakfast and a quick shower, I packed away my dirty coat/capelet combo and swapped it out for a fresh one. Checking the time, I realized my appointment with that banker was in about two hours; so I headed down to the docks to make sure those bozos didn’t hit an iceberg or something.

I’ll be honest- this place was kinda pretty during the day. It had a clean, white marble aesthetic that looked straight out of ancient Greece, but more… jungle-y. Instead of olives, the minotaurs subsisted off tropical fruits and special grain which only grows in the jungles. Meanwhile, the streets were full of toga-wearing minotaurs, and I stood out heavily in such a place- with my black garb and… feathers, coupled with the fact that I was a different species entirely, it made doing greasy stuff a near impossibility.

At least, in any sort of non-clandestine manner. Don’t get me wrong- what I was doing was greasy as hell, but I had all the forgeries and bullshit to make me look legitimate.

At the docks, large, bulky minotaurs were unloading goods and storing them in warehouses. I made my way to the foreman's office, documents in hand. A young, rough looking minotaur sat behind the foreman's desk, and a nearby maid was pouring him a glass of banana wine.

“Good day, miss!” He said in an oddly nasally voice. “To what do I owe the pleasure?” I took my seat and slid a document his way.

“I’m here on behalf of Mr. Green Clover, who is currently shipping… potatoes across the seas to assist in the relief efforts.” I wiggled my eyebrow at him with a smarmy look. “It should have already arrived on the SS… whatever the fuck it’s called.” Quite frankly, I didn’t bother putting on a show. Sleazy fucks like me are constantly bringing in suspicious amounts of gold- it was just biz at this point.

“Hmmm… everything seems in order… only, there is our shipping fee.” He gave me a smirk and I rolled my eyes.

“In every shipment will be a container labeled as onions buried in the cargo. That’ll be your cut.” I grabbed a pen and wrote down a number on a piece of paper, sliding it over to him.

“Deal.” He said instantly upon seeing the number. He held out his hand and I shook it.

“And of course, I’ll be getting monthly receipts from the bank. If I’m shorted a single bit…” I whipped out my dagger and held the point to his neck. “There will be hell. To. Pay. Capische?” he merely giggled at me.

“Come on, Miss…” he looked at the document I slid to him, looking for the pseudonym I was operating under, “Lovecraft-” I am SO original. “What kind of reputation would I have if I ripped off my loyal customers? Rest assured- not a single bit will go missing. I may be sleazy, but I’m not a con-artist, you know?” I didn’t feel very assured, but that was natural, considering the sheer volume of loot I would be shipping over.

“Thank you very much. Everything you need to know is in that document.” I said, making my leave. “Get the first shipment ready.”

“A pleasure doing business with you!” He said as he guided his maids head down below his desk. I took that as my cue to get the fuck out.

Next stop- Labyrintho Bank. The place was fucking huge! From what I’ve read about the place, the loot is all locked up tight in underground vaults in a massive complex which runs directly underneath the bank itself. Apparently, it’s a literal labyrinth, and only a few select minotaurs actually have the map.

The front desk teller gave me an odd look when I walked through the door. “I have an upcoming appointment with Mr. Daedalus.” She looked down, shuffling through paperwork before smiling and nodding. Ugh… I swear, half my life is in fucking paperwork nowadays.

“If you don’t mind waiting for a bit, I’ll call you up as soon as he’s ready.” I nodded, making my way to one of the waiting couches.

I couldn’t help but sigh. I was already starting to miss my wife and I haven’t even been at this for two weeks yet. Fuck. And I still had so much more shit to do!

Fuck it, I can’t even be bothered to write the whole bank encounter down. I have another headache, but the only thing you need to know is the fact that I left with some documents and a fat checkbook. I wonder if the headaches are from stress? They’re definitely a recent, if annoying development.

Ugh. Whatever.

---

Once again, I was on a boat- but this time, I was heading towards the port city of Garum, located in Catlus. From there, I would take one of the few remaining train lines to the capitol to get the king's permission to start digging up the coastal guano islands.

Yes, they’re exactly what it sounds like. Islands which birds have inhabited and flown over for so long, that the ground is quite literally made from piled on birdshit. The plan is to have workers here dig it up and manufacture the saltpeter- due to the lack of heavy machinery, I won’t need to rely on a river to power the whole operation. Not to mention- less automation means more labor requirements, which I’m hoping will stimulate the local economy.

Anyways- if the Minotaurs stuck to a Greek theme, then Catlus was more romanesque. I won’t lie- it was quite uneventful. The capital city of Emor looked like ancient Rome and it even had a colosseum. Well- ancient Rome approximately five minutes before it fell.

The meeting with the king went well enough, I suppose. At this point, he was more than happy to host any business which would bring more jobs to his kingdom. Of course, Catlus would hardly be the highlight of my trip.

No, that would be my trip home; not to Ponyville, or even Manehattan.

I would be heading back to Featherworth for the first time in… years! So much time has passed, but it still feels like just last week Mamma and I were making the long trek northwest through Nalot. When I saw those massive stone walls again, I was overcome with sheer joy and wonder. Just walking these old, dirty cobblestone streets made me feel choked up.

With my bag and suitcase under my wings, I knew exactly where I was going. While I couldn’t remember the house number or the street name, I knew its location off by heart- if it was still standing, that is. I hoped and prayed that it was.

The neighborhood I was born in had been reduced to an utter slum. Lawns were overgrown, houses were collapsing and some were burnt out… shit, it felt like I was in the projects. I made sure at least one of my guns was cocked- just in case.

My beak trembled as I beheld my childhood home. While the willow out front had died long ago, the roof collapsed over one of the rooms, the windows were all broken, and the door hung on a single hinge… it was undoubtedly home. My home. The mailbox was proof of it- despite the rust, one could just barely make out the old inscription- Grimfeather. Not to mention- on one of the many boards which made up the front porch there was a name, long ago scrawled into the wood by a claw.

LEONA

I couldn’t help but sniffle as the memories came rushing back in great waves of nostalgia.

---

“Mamma!” I yelled, running up to her and wrapping her in a hug. I was six years old at the time, I think. In fact- it was my birthday just a few days prior. I’d been waiting excitedly on the porch for her to come home all day. That was when I decided to scrawl my name on one of the boards- after all, I thought that home would be more permanent than what it turned out to be. The reason I was so excited was because my birthday gift got delayed- and Mamma was bringing it home from the tailors- though I didn’t know it at the time.

“What is it? What is it!?” I was practically running around in circles, feeling so damn excited! I saw the gift wrapped box on her back- it was relatively flat and small, but that didn’t curb my excitement one bit.

She giggled, saying “Calm down, sweetie, I just got home!” I blushed slightly, realizing that yeah, she was right. She wrapped a wing around me and we both walked inside.

“Where’s Gramma at?” She asked, and I just cocked an eyebrow at her. “I should’ve guessed.” She sighed in annoyance, and we both took our seats on the couch. She then looked at me and smiled. “Happy birthday, Leona!” She nuzzled my forehead and handed me my gift. I jumped down off the couch and tore into the paper like a wild animal!

I opened the white box inside and gasped! It was a cloak- the same one which I wore damn near every day until I outgrew it. Pure black, with golden hemwork. Inside the collar was embroidered with my name, followed by Best Daughter Ever!

“Try it on!” Mamma said as the thing was already half-slung around my back. I did the collar and noticed it felt a bit loose- but I knew I’d grow into it. Little me ran to the bathroom to check myself in the mirror.

It was that moment that determined my fashion sense for the rest of my life. I loved it! It had pockets and everything, it was light and flowy…

“That looks so good on you!” Mamma said as she walked in behind me. I was making faces at myself and stopped to giggle. “Who’s my stylish little hen?” She picked me up and wrapped me in a hug, which I reciprocated.

“You’re the best, Mamma!”

---

I still had that little cloak somewhere. Hell, sometimes I still wear the thing over my coat, kind of like a capelet.

I opened the door slowly, and the hinge finally gave out, the door itself falling impotently to the ground. I walked inside and beheld our empty living room and set my bags to the side, pulling out a pistol.

“If there’s anyone in here, I’m just visiting and I’m not afraid to kill.” I yelled out loud, checking all the rooms to determine if they were clear. After walking all through the house once, I determined that aside from a few rats and roaches, it was empty. I let out a sigh and leaned against the back wall in the main room.

“So many memories here…”

---

It was late at night, and I couldn’t help but yawn. I sat on the couch next to Mamma while she was finishing up homework. I was still quite young at the time- only two years old or so. Hell, I was still in nightime diapers at the time- and I’m still not sure why. I mainly chalk that up to my forgetful baby brain- as some nights, I just would straight up forget to use the bathroom before going to sleep, as humiliating as it was to admit.

Those days were quite weird in retrospect- it’s like an adult's mind was put in a child's brain. So rather than the jaded and bitter Trinity, I was the young and innocent… “innocent” Leona. I have to wonder if it was a psychological thing- I was living the childhood I missed out on the first time around with a caring mother, and my brain was acting accordingly.

I don’t know- I’m not a psychologist, and I refuse to see a therapist because I’d rather not get locked up in a madhouse.

“Mamma, is it bedtime yet?” I was quite tired- I’d spent all day battling in an ultraviolent gang war between my plushies and dollies! The bear crime family, led by Theodore “Big Ted” Mancini of Couch City had been encroaching on the territory of the Shag Carpet Gang. They were a loose band of hoodlums, but their leader was widely considered to be Molly McElroy- a ruthless killer and the daughter of some poor potato farmers.

The battle was long and difficult- but had to be put on hold, because I was feeling sleepy after dinner.

“Almost done, sweetie.” she said, jotting down notes on her paper. She giggled, saying “I bet you had lotsa fun today, huh?”

I merely hummed, deciding to lean into Mamma and rest my eyes for a little bit. I could’ve gone upstairs and went to bed by myself- but it felt oddly nerve-wracking knowing Mamma wasn’t there with me. It’s not like I was afraid of the dark, or some monster under the bed- it just felt wrong to me. Perhaps it’s some sort of a manifestation of a fear of abandonment? Hell if I know.

I only intended to rest my eyes- but imagine my surprise when I teleported up to my room!

… Okay, I know it was Mamma that brought me upstairs and tucked me in while I was asleep- but it still shocked me for just a moment before I realized what happened. Look, I’m a slow thinker when it’s early in the morning. And for the record, I did not wet the bed that night!

Honest!

---

I giggled at the memory. I mean, can you really blame me for being so childish at the time? My childhood as a human was… well, it was shit. Father blew his brains out when I was five and Mother was always so cold and distant with me.

She would tell me how it was all my fault that he was gone- and I believed her at the time because I didn’t know any better! She told me that I was ugly, and that no one would ever love me for who I am. She said that I would amount to nothing and made me feel like I was worthless, and one day she just abandoned me without a single warning!

I grit my beak- but then shook those thoughts away. I walked up the stairs and saw something that made me giggle. Written in permanent marker on the wall were several lines- and though they were faded, you could still make out the age indicators. Every year on my birthday, up until I was eight, we would mark my progress to see how much I’ve grown in the past year.

I looked into our old shared bedroom, seeing that it was indeed empty. There were marks on the floor where our beds were, and looking in the spot where Mamma’s bed was, I remembered something funny that happened here once.

---

I was 7 or so years old by then. Mamma had been at school all day and I was just playing with my toys when I noticed something… unusual. Underneath Mamma’s mattress, something was just barely sticking out.

Naturally, curiosity got the better of me. Lifting the mattress slightly, I retrieved my prize. It was a cheap pulp magazine titled Red Rocket- For Adults Only! Of course, I knew how sex worked. The existence of genitalia was hardly new to me, and I knew damn well where babies came from. But I do admit, I was mighty curious as to what the male counterpart looked like.

With a devious grin on my face, I opened the magazine and let the centerfold fall out- and immediately scoffed in disgust.

“Ewwwww!” Despite the feeling of revulsion, I couldn’t look away. “God, why is it so red? And… are those barbs!? Gross!”

Unfortunately, I didn’t think to check the time before I went… exploring.

“Leona, I’m ho-ooo, AAAH!” She yelled, ripping the magazine from my hands and hastily shoving it back under the mattress where it came from. She looked utterly mortified- her face was beet red and her tail was puffed out like a cats. I couldn’t help but laugh heartily. “You weren’t supposed to see that!” she whined out.

“Come on, I was just curious!” I said, my laughter slowing to a giggle. “And besides, I know how sex and reproduction works. I’ve read about it in books.” She blinked at me then sighed, her face still quite red.

“I sometimes forget how intelligent you are, Leona…” She muttered, then turned to me with a pleading look in her eyes. “L-look, just… just don’t tell Gramma, alright?”

A devious grin spread across my face and Mamma began to sweat. “Oh, I dunno… You know how I just let things slip, sometimes. Perhaps some ice cream will ensure my silence?” Mamma groaned in annoyance.

“Fffffine. Fine, I’ll get you ice cream, just…” She grabbed my hand, “Please don’t tell Gramma I have those magazines.” My smile widened even more.

“You mean there’s more?” Mamma facepalmed and rubbed her temple.

“I’m really being blackmailed by my own daughter… Look, if you keep your beak shut about this, I’ll let you eat all the ice cream you want.”

“Deal.” I said, shaking her hand. She sighed in annoyance.

“Some day you’ll start going into heat, then you’ll understand.” She muttered as I hopped onto her back.

The ice cream parlor thankfully wasn’t that busy- and I immediately got to work. I ate a large banana split, a double chocolate fudge milkshake, and a pint of strawberry ice cream!

And of course- I regretted it soon after. I was sitting atop Mamma’s back, groaning in pain from the awful, awful tummy ache I had.

“Ohh, it huuuurts…” I mumbled as Mamma carried me home. She laughed at my suffering.

“I hope you’ve learned a valuable lesson today.” I snorted.

“Yes, I have, Mamma.” She smirked at me.

“Good.”

“Yeah. I learned that griffon dicks are weird as heck!” She facepalmed hard and I laughed at her expense.

---

Heh. Those really were the days. It’s ironic how my mother on earth and my Mamma are polar opposites. If I tried to pull something like that with my mother, she would have yanked my pants down, threw me over her knee and beat me with a belt, all without hesitation.

“Oh, for fucks sakes…” I mumbled, gritting my beak. Why can’t I just remember something happy without thinking of my mother? I groaned in annoyance but ultimately grew a faint smile.

The roof had collapsed over Gramma’s room- so there was nothing to see there. I decided to head back down stairs and about halfway down, I heard a loud creeeeak! The board I stepped on snapped and I was barely able to keep myself from falling. My arm had been scraped slightly by the rough wood, but I was ultimately fine.

Wouldn’t have been the first time I fell down these stairs.

---

It was early in the morning, and I was about… four? Probably around that age. It was the weekend, so I intended to sleep in- but I just needed to get a quick drink of water. Somehow, in my tiredness, I’d missed the first step. My eyes shot open- and down I went.

Thud! Thud! Thud! Thud! Smack! I’d rolled down the steps like a tumbleweed, and when I hit the bottom I landed directly onto my face.

I sniffled, my eyes stinging with tears. I sucked in a deep breath-

“MAMMA!” I yelled, literally bawling my eyes out. I rubbed my beak- it hurt so bad! Is it broken? It must be broken! I’m gonna be a deformed freak for the rest of my life! She came rushing down the stairs, almost falling down herself as she scooped me up in her arms and held me close.

“Ohhh, baby… you’re alright, Mamma’s got you.” My crying began to soften as I buried my face in her soft, warm feathers. “Do you want some ice to put on it?” She asked. I nodded slowly and she set me on her back, where I buried my face in her head feathers.

She set me on one of the dining room chairs and grabbed an ice pack for me. She started moving some of the feathers on my forehead out of the way and giggled.

“It’s just bruised, baby. You’ll be fine in a couple days.” I held the ice pack to my forehead and she nuzzled my beak. Already, I felt much better… though my forehead still throbbed.

---

I was lucky to have her.

While I was enjoying the nostalgia trip- I just had one more thing to attend to before heading home. That is- a meeting with the King of Fertilia.

After a quick cigarette break, I made my way to the castle in the center of the city. I decided to fly there because quite frankly, I didn’t want to know how bad things really were here. At the front gate of the castle were large groups of angry protestors. People were getting fed up- and I would be their salvation.

They just didn’t know it yet.

The guards there tensed up when I approached them- but relaxed when I handed them the document saying that yes, I was granted access. They opened the gate and one of them guided me to the throne room.

The king was a decrepit old man- he was weak, pathetic, really. People this old should not be in charge, under any circumstances. If only America could learn that lesson.

Wait. What?

I approached ~~Joe Biden~~ King Grover the 14th and bowed respectfully. No matter how much I hated it, I had to get into his good graces.

“Your Majesty. I come bearing an offer- one which cannot be refused.” He snorted at me.

“You’ve got guts, speaking to me like that.” I gave him a smug grin.

“Let’s get to the point. I’ve invented a weapon which would grant us Griffons total supremacy over the Diamond Dog menace.” I said, unpacking my rifle. It was a simple design- though this prototype model was made of hand-fitted parts like my pistols, it was created with manufacture efficiency in mind. They would be made on assembly lines using interchangeable parts eventually, but until then, this would suffice.

It fired a .69 caliber minie ball. I loaded it- powder, wad, ball, and tamped it down. It was a bit awkward due to the sheer length of it, but by hovering I was able to load it easily. I used the same priming device as the one I used for my pistols to prime it, and it was ready to fire within 15 seconds.

“It fires a lead ball at bone-shattering speeds. Not only that- but it has the added bonus of being terrifyingly loud- and can even penetrate armor.” The king looked at me for a few seconds- then laughed heartily.

“Penetrate armor? Really?” He said in between peals of laughter. He looked over to the guard next to his throne. “Prove it. Show me this armor penetrating lead.”

BANG!

A thick cloud of sulfur-smelling smoke filled the air and the guard next to the throne crumpled to the ground, screaming. He held a hand impotently to his chest as the blood poured out.

“My plan is simple, your Majesty.” I said, packing the rifle away and resolving to clean it later. The king looked at me, now that I had his full attention. “I’m gonna set up factories all around Featherworth to manufacture these weapons of war, as well as many other things I need. I’ll be using the rivers to power them.” I explained. Other guards started dragging the dying one away as I continued, “The idea is that by creating jobs, I will be able to drag this nation out of its economic depression. I then plan on leading the war effort to subjugate the beasts.”

The king leaned back on the throne, scratching his chin. “While this all seems promising… where on Equus do you plan on getting the money for such an endeavor?” I smirked at him, pulling out my most recent bank statement. He read the document over, still seeming unsure.

“That’s monthly, by the way.” His eyes shot open. Moneytalks. “I estimate that within two years, everything I need to get started will be up and running.” I held out my hand, and he wasted no time in shaking it.

We then spent the next while discussing details- how I was gonna send over trusted individuals to help run my factories, how he would begin training his guards and soldiers in musketry tactics, that sort of stuff.

Bottom line is- I had all the puzzle pieces in order- I just needed to put them together.

That done- it was time to go home, finally.

Instead of walking like I did the first time around, I simply took a train to Beaksmouth, where I then took a much smaller ship across the ocean. Hopefully, the ship wouldn’t sink this time. I did not wanna be worn out by the time I got back to Manehattan- after all, I had a woman to please.

I’d been on this trip for about a month and had enough. Once I got off the boat, it was late at night, but I didn’t care. It was a beautiful night and I was feeling lazy, so I decided to just walk home.

As it turns out- that was a bad move. You see, there’s something I forgot to take into account.

I’d made lots of enemies in my line of work.

I was walking down a quiet street. I’d heard movement behind me, but before I could react, a round wooden cudgel banged me on the back of the head.

“OW! YOU FUCK!” I turned around and attempted to draw my pistol, only to get thunked on the temple. I dropped the bags I carried under my wings, feeling dizzy.

CONK! Right to the underside of my chin, and I was knocked onto my back. My vision was spinning, but I was finally able to get a good look at my assailant.

He was a griffon- rough and ugly looking- and most strikingly, a large scar on his chest, which was surrounded by burned tissue.

“I sure learned my lesson, didn’t I?” He bashed me on the head again, and I was seeing double. He dragged me into the nearby alley where I began to struggle meekly. “What are the odds of me running into you again after all these years?” The fucker said. He pinned me down by my wrists and I glared at him.

SWISH! I shot my tongue out and it missed his head. He looked at me in disgust as I slurped it back in.

“What the fuck was that?” He yelled, bringing the cudgel down to my beak.

CRACK! That fucker broke the tip of my beak off! “ATH-HOLE!” I spit the chunk of keratin out of my beak, tears running down my face. He smirked at me.

“I've waited far, far too long for this.” He gave me a sultry grin and I growled at him.

“Try me, bitch!” I'll be honest- I was afraid; but I wasn't gonna give this fucker the satisfaction. It was dark, but I still saw the thing in between his legs. I began to squirm, trying to use my back legs to kick him off.

“Oh, I’m gonna enjoy this, bitch.” I was seeing red as he shoved my legs out of the way and brought himself down- and finally, I was able to focus for a moment.

SWISH! This time instead of trying to stab him with it, I wrapped it around his neck. I lifted him up slightly and he began to struggle- so I threw him to the side, hard. He hit his head against a nearby brick wall and I rolled over and hopped up to my feet. The sudden impact left him stunned slightly and his eyes shot open in fear when I stood over him, glaring at him with my tongue pointing towards his face.

“No, no do-” squelch! The parasite went directly into his eye and began to feed. As it did that, I drew both of my pistols.

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

I slurped my tongue up and with several deep breaths, I drew my other pistols- this time, I clicked the funny switch.

BA-BANG! BA-BANG! The recoil was intense, the boom deafening. Both my ears were ringing and my would-be rapist was bleeding from several wounds. My heart was racing and I spat on his corpse.

“What’s going on here!?” A guard ran towards the alley I was frozen in and gasped at the scene. I was shaking terribly in rage, trying to keep it together when she pointed her horn up into the air, sending up a flare and signaling for help.

“Don’t worry, Ma’am. Help is on the way.” I took in several deep breaths, calming down as the adrenaline left my system.

Eventually I was carted off in an ambulance, the paramedics taking the missing chunk of my beak with them. I passed out eventually- but that was probably from a concussion.

That... could've gone better. One thing's for certain- I needed to up my security.

Money

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So, a funny story. As it turns out, having a piece of your beak chipped off? Fucking sucks. You're stuck wearing a special cast so it heals properly- it’s basically a mold that you have to wear on your beak all day to prevent it from growing in weird. Thankfully since I only shattered a piece of my upper beak, I just had to wear the mold on that beak… but I still hated it.

It was uncomfy and ugly as hell, it was too dull to chew properly with, and I had to take it off and constantly file off little nubs that would appear underneath and around it. I had to go for bi-weekly doctor's appointments so they could check to make sure it was healing right. And after all that work, all that bullshit?

IT’S DISCOLORED! It’s a slightly lighter gray than the rest of my beak- it was faint, but definitely noticeable. So in essence, I was stuck with a faintly lightning-bolt shaped scar on the left side of my beak with a seam in the middle; and I’ll be honest, I hate it.

But still- could’ve been worse. If the beak gets really damaged, it can’t grow back- meaning that you have to get prosthetics put in. And considering the fact that polymers aren’t really used in this world- wood and metal can only look so realistic.

Thankfully I’d gotten the cast removed permanently last week and given a clean bill of health by my physicians… but I’m still feeling the aftereffects of that concussion! Between the stress headaches I was getting before and the concussion exacerbating the problem, I’ve just started carrying aspirin around in my bag. Meanwhile, my tinnitus has been getting worse- but that’s understandable. When you’re around gunfire frequently, your ears won’t thank you in the long run.

But anyways, about the concussion- the doctors are telling me that there shouldn’t be any side effects from the concussion after this long- after all, it’s not like I suffer from them frequently enough to cause permanent harm. They say it’s all in my head and of course it is! My head hurts, it’s definitely in my head! But whatever- it is what it is.

In other news- it’s been ten months since my meeting with the King. As a puppet ruler, he was perfect. All the money essentially got laundered through him- after the funds left the bank, they kept no receipt of who it actually went to… or came from. Against my better judgment, I’m letting him and his staff (though, mostly his staff) to deal with overseeing the construction and operation of my factories. In fact, Ulysses and I have been making alternating tri-monthly trips to check the progress ourselves, and everything has been going wonderfully.

All I had to do to get the shit up and running was to send over blueprints for the various dies and lathes, manufacturing equipment, as well as material tolerance and quality standards… Uhm, the uh… Manuals of standard operation and troubleshooting. Even though we’ve barely started, we’ve already made so much progress.

Fertilia’s economy is booming… well, maybe not booming… but it’s definitely improving. If people are being employed, they’re being paid. If they’re being paid, they’re spending. If they’re spending, then someone else is getting paid in turn. And if that person gets paid enough, they can expand and possibly hire more people, who would then start getting paid. The bubble won’t grow forever, so that’s why I’m being cautious as to how much air I put in it. But when the coal starts flowing again is when the real fun will start. Manufacturing is the bread and butter of any industrialized society.

More industry leads to more output. More output leads to cheaper goods. And even higher output means you can make money on exporting surplus goods once you’re at capacity at your home market.

Bottom line is, the free market is easy to manipulate and the masses are sheep. Big surprise. I’m honestly surprised with how laissez-faire the Equestrian government is… then again, so were all early industrial nations. There’s some regulation- but they don’t expect the power of private corporations to surpass that of the crown, purely in an economic sense. They’re dead wrong.

In fact- I’ve only increased my monetary output in the past few months. The Grimfeather crime family, as I unofficially call it, has only grown in power ever since temperance movements bolstered their efforts. Again, an important temperance figure almost getting raped and left with a disfiguring injury caused the media to explode in outrage over it all. Never mind the fact that my assailant was completely sober- and an escaped convict, one which I’ve pissed off in the past. It’s no surprise to me that he wanted revenge… but I let the media carry on with their narrative.

Cities as far south as New Horseleans and cities as far west as Neighjing have banned the booze, the latter of which has caused me to gain social credit points. However, I also started bootlegging not long after, causing me to lose social credit points.

Wait. What?

Anyways, the conspiracy goes so deep that in Detrot, two of the rival gangs which have vied for dominance over that city for literal years didn’t even realize they were both on my payroll until I rolled into town and convinced their leadership to behave with the help of some of my associates- at the added bonus of some good tithe money.

Many of these gangs think they’re top cat- but they’re middle management at best. I’m at the top of this lucrative tree and many don’t even know my name. The few that do- still just call me Boss because they know damn well that my name is need-to-know only.

Since I’m trying to keep a low profile for now, pretty much all my orders and commands get passed down through Ulysses. It was nice, not having to do as much hands-on work for now. It’s safer that way, at least.

Speaking of safety- I now have more bodyguards on my payroll than ever- the Royal Guard, I call them. There’s about 20 of them on rotating shifts, and they’re all armed with pistols I custom made for them, along with cutlasses. But at this second- it was just Dee and I in the house.

It was an early morning weekend and I was in the bedroom, lamenting about my scarred beak in the dresser mirror.

“Come on, baby… it’s really not so bad.” My wife came up behind me and put a hoof around my back. She got up and whispered in my ear, “Makes you look big and tough… And you know how I feel about girls like that.”

“I know, but… but I’d rather feel pretty, not tough. Looking tough is what my outfit and general demeanor is for, you know?”

“Babe, you are pretty.” She said, giving me a quick smooch on my beak. “Why do you think I married you?” I just snorted at her with a sarcastic smirk.

“Because I indulge your depraved fetishes about dominating those perceived as being stronger than you?” She gave me a mock growl for that.

“Why I oughta just…” She waved her hoof in the air in a ‘menacing’ gesture before kissing me on the beak again. Despite my annoyance, I couldn’t help but smile. “See, you’re smiling!” she smooched me again on the beak… then after a few seconds she kissed me on the neck. I gasped aloud at the sudden sensation.

Blushing, I whined to her, “Baaaaabe! Isn’t it a bit too early for this- ah!” She did it again as I was speaking, the feathers on my neck standing straight up. “Stoooop!” She just giggled at my suffering.

“Leona, you literally have damn near half of the criminal underworld paying tribute to you out of fear, how are you this much of a subby bottom?” She asked- and to be fair, she did have a point.

“Yeah, well…” My mind was racing, trying to come back with a witty response. “You smell!” She gave me a fake gasp.

“Oh, that’s it!” She yelled, running up and wrapping her arms around me, burying her face in my feathers and kissing my neck, over and over.

“Ah- s-s-stop! Ah!” I was practically begging for mercy, struggling to stay standing. She finally pulled back and I sucked in a deep breath of air before rolling onto the floor and laying on my back. I gave her a dopey grin, kneading my hands and paws in the air. “Fine. You win. Claim your prize.” I said with a giggle.

She gave me a dark grin. “With pleasure.” She lowered her head down and started-

Knock, knock, knock.

“Fucks sakes.” I groaned in annoyance and Dee just laughed.

“I’ll get it. You go ahead- hop on the bed, get yourself comfortable.” She kissed me on the cheek, and how could I say no? I just laid down with a stupid grin on my face, thinking about how lucky I am to have her. Then I heard her yelling for me from the living room, and my grin fell immediately.

“Leona! You may wanna get out here!” I groaned in annoyance, feeling all sorts of hot and bothered.

“This better be fuckin’ important.” I grumbled as I made my way to the living room.

“I can assure you, it is pretty fuckin’ important.” I heard the deep, gruff voice of Ulysses, and it finally dawned on me that Oh shit, this may actually be important.

Come to think of it- I don’t think I ever described the guy. Lemme start with the obvious- he’s a scary motherfucker. He’s almost a head taller than I am and could probably deadlift me and my couch. He had a prosthetic lower beak, and for that reason he always has a gray bandanna covering it. He had light gray feathers and white fur- but almost always wore a bearskin coat covering almost everything except his wings. Completing his look was a black hat- round, with a flat top and wide brim. And rather than being armed with standard pistols- as my second in command, he get's something special. He carried four pistols, just like mine... only, they weren't pistols.

They were sawn-off shotguns. Muzzleloading, of course, and they're 12 gauges. He was... quite good in their use, though they were used extremely sparingly.

In the early days, he was a soldier- a well decorated one, at that. See, when things first started going to shit, Northumbria actually did declare war on the mountain dog clans… but failed spectacularly. He doesn’t talk about the war that much- but is still quite bitter over it. It cost him his left eye, half his beak, and his sobriety, and what did he have to show for it? Some medals. A shitty pension. When I tell you he’s been loyal from the beginning- I really do mean it.

In the living room he was sitting on the chair and Dee was sitting on the couch. He was taking a swig from a flask when I walked in. Not like I had any room to judge him for that, of course.

“What’s happenin’?” I asked, taking my seat next to my wife, wrapping a wing around her back.

“I’ve got good news and bad news.” He said, pulling a piece of paper out of his coat. “Good news is that our profits shot up in this last month, ever since we increased the capacity of our bootlegging operations. Speaking of which, Celestia’s Angels-” Which I should mention, are a bicycle riding gang based in Califoalnia- “wanted to know if they’d have your blessing to start moving opium.”

“Tell them I said no, and that answers final. And tell Freddy if he asks me that again, I’ll have him castrated.” He nodded in response.

“Figured as much. On to the bad news- there’s a problem that I don’t think any of us considered. You may wanna light up a cigarette for this one.”

I looked at him and blinked- then realized he was probably right. I lit one up and took a deep drag, taking care to blow the smoke away from my wife. “Alright, spill it, soldier boy.”

“Don’t call me that, Scarface.” I scowled at him and he just smirked. I rolled my eyes when I realized he was just fucking around and gestured for him to continue.

“So as you know, we’re funneling lots of gold into the Old Confederacy. Here’s the problem- only a small fraction of that money is actually making it back to Equestria.” Dee slowly put a hoof to her chin in thought.

“That… I can see the problem. Hmmm…” Dee mumbled, and my eyes widened in realization. OF COURSE! Equestria doesn’t use fiat currency! They can’t just fire up the money printers!

“So we’re running a risk of deflating the value of gold in mainland Equestria as we remove money from circulation and pumping it into the Confederacy!” Now I was scratching my chin- this was more of a predicament than I thought.

“And unless Equestria increases the rate at which coins are minted, it could throw the country into an economic recession!” Dee said, nervously rubbing her hooves together.

So here’s the problem. If there’s less gold overall in Equestria, the value of the bit will actually go up and the price of goods will get cheaper. Yayy, cheaper products for everyone! Woohoo!

No. Let me tell you why this is bad- cheaper products means that employees are being paid less, as businesses are naturally incentivized to keep their profit margins. Employees could face unemployment or be forced to take paycuts since employers are making less money. If people are making less money, they’re more frugal. This creates a domino effect where even more people lose their jobs just so businesses can stay afloat, etcetera etcetera.

While Equestria does mint new coins regularly, it’s at a relatively slow rate in order to ensure economic stability. You know- to compensate for things like exports, old money being lost, stuff like that. But it’s not nearly enough for how much I’ve been sending out.

“At my estimations,” Ulysses said, “Approximately 5 percent of all Equestrian bits will have been funneled into the Confederacy at the end of the agreed upon two years. Not a lot, by any means- but it’s nothing to shake a stick at. And that’s not even considering our current rate of expansion.” I took a deep drag from my cigarette and responded,

“So then we gotta come up with a contingency. If things start getting noticeably difficult, we’ll have the Crown clapping all our cheeks. Hell, I’m pretty sure Twilight’s on to us already.” Ulysses nodded in response.

“Oh, fuck…” Dee muttered. She reached under a book on the coffee table and pulled out two tickets. “I forgot to mention- Twilight sent us tickets for this summer’s Gala. I just got them yesterday.” I felt a bead of sweat rolling down my brow at this.

“The gala? As in, the Grand Galloping Gala?” Oh fuck. “What… did she ever say why?”

She shrugged in response. “No, they just showed up in the mail addressed to the two of us. Nothing about this sounds like good news.”

“You’re telling me. I don’t like this, not one bit… What if we just didn’t go?” I asked, and Dee shook her head.

“Not a good idea, unless you want to really draw the Crown’s eye, along with the media. If we don’t show up, they’re gonna want to know why. The question is- is this just a friendly invitation? Or is it something else?” She said, setting the tickets off to the side. “Your Mamma has always been friends with Twilight. Perhaps this has something to do with her?” Dee asked, and she had a point.

“... I’ll have to talk to Mamma about it, see what she thinks or if she knows anything… Until then, contingency.” I turned to Ulysses- “Pass the word to all the Confederate Loyalists that if something happens to Dee or I, then flee across the ocean to the Confederacy. From there, meet us in our base of operations in Featherworth.” The loyalists were a decently sized group of my most loyal griffons who know of my cause and support it directly. Many of them are actually my Royal Guard- and in fact, I’m planning on making them the first members of my shock troops.

“Understood, boss.” Ulysses smiled and nodded.

“You’re dismissed. I appreciate your help.” I flashed him a quick smile and he made his leave. I then sighed, slumping back onto my couch. “This… could get really bad, Dee.” I said to her, and she gave me a somber look.

“At least we have each other, right?” She smirked, pulling me in for a hug. “We’ll make it through this, baby.” She kissed me on the beak and I smiled.

“You’re right. As long as we don’t act guilty, what does she have on either one of us? As long as we don’t bite off more than we can chew, we can’t choke.” Dee giggled, looking at me with a smile and a certain look in her eyes.

“Speaking of choking… where were we earlier?”

In retrospect, looking back… I really, really jinxed that one.

Ballroom Blitz

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The gala would be happening approximately seven months before my initial two year estimate. We were going to attend- but I’ll be damned if I come unprepared. The first thing I did was start by storing my barrels of chlorine gas in warehouses in Featherworth. Second thing I did was to have King Grover begin training his army in musketry tactics and general firearms usage.

If I had to move the war effort ahead of time, I’d just have to deal with it. It would be far from ideal and makes a massive gamble even bigger… but shit, what choice would I have? This totem pole I’ve built for myself has gotten so large that I can hardly see the ground anymore. And I’m not saying it’s bad, mind you- these days are a far, far cry from the times when I was skipping meals because we were so fucking poor.

That said… with a lot of preparation and a little faith, I think I can pull it off. Speaking of preparation- I needed to memorize the layout of Canterlot and the castle within. While I could spend the time studying maps and sending in spies to survey the layout for me… I had a better idea.

---

“Is this the place?” I asked Ulysses. We were standing outside of a large abandoned warehouse in the Manehattan waterfront district. It was an old red-brick building, the small-paned windows long having been boarded up. This place was out of the way and secluded- and the perfect place for doing greasy stuff.

Anyways, Ulysses nodded in response. So then I asked him, “Tell me about this guy.”

“He’s a retired member of the royal guard. Lived in Canterlot his whole life before he moved to Manehattan to die in obscurity.” I simply nodded in response.

“So hopefully, he has the info I need.” We made sure to lock the door behind us before making our way in. The room was a large rectangular box with catwalks of questionable stability above our heads. Speaking of heads- I should probably pop an aspirin soon, just in case. I don’t feel anything yet, but the headache’s due any minute now. I’ll wait until we’re done, I think.

Several of my men were guarding the place… and women. I don’t discriminate. I know firsthand that women can be just as brutal and violent as men- if not more. Over in a dark corner was a wooden chair with today’s lucky loser tied up to it. Despite his apparent age, the old pegasus was putting up a heck of a fight to try and escape- so two guys were holding onto the chair to ensure he didn’t try anything.

“Now listen here, maggot! I don’t know who you think you are, but-”

SLAP!

I shook off my hand, since it kinda stung after that one. “You done yet, sarge?” I deadpanned. He glared at me with hatred in his eyes, probably thinking of better days in his life when he was still physically capable. “I need some information. You’re gonna give it to me.” He snorted in response.

“I won't tell you a flippin’ thing, vulture!” I smirked at him.

“Boys? Make sure to hold him tight. And promise you won’t freak out?” I said, and they both nodded in response.

Swish! My tongue shot outward and was floating through the air menacingly. So far, the nature of my tongue has been a well-kept secret, known only to those closest to me. Even my guards looked a bit freaked out, but they still held on tight to the old man. They kept their composure- but the same couldn’t be said about the victim, who was trying desperately to wiggle his way out.

SHLICK! The tail of the parasite sank through his eye. It’s hard to describe the feeling- it’s as though the tongue itself were both corporeal and non-corporeal. It could interact with the physical world, but it also seems to be within some sort of non-euclidian spirit world? Or heck, maybe it simply is non-euclidian, and there was simply more to this parasite than is capable of being seen?

His entire body stiffened and his breathing intensified, as though too much movement would lead to grave injury on his part. Our consciousnesses were connected- I could hear his thoughts. Keep calm, sarge… Keep calm, sarge…

I want you to think of your time as a Canterlot guard… I want you to vividly picture the city itself- you know the streets by heart, don’t you? That was me talking. The old man's breathing calmed down, as he apparently realized he wasn’t in immediate mortal danger. Show me Canterlot. I want a tour of the city. Do this for me, and I may let you live.

Memories flooded my head- streets that have been patrolled so many times, the memories were detailed down to the very cracks in the cobbled roads. Memories of bad guys being chased through alleys. Memories of training new recruits- and memories of being brought on as a new recruit.

And what of the castle itself? What was the castle like?

My brain was filled with images of maze-like white stone corridors, stained glass windows, luxurious carpeting, ancient and vast libraries, and most important were the castles' many exits. I smiled in satisfaction- or would have, if there wasn’t a massive parasite sticking out of it.

Good. Now, I want you to remember this- my name is Trinity Bellucci.

SHLICK! Sluuuurp! I sucked my tongue back in, seeing the old man's head drop as his breathing intensified once again and sweat dripped from his forehead.

“That wasn’t so bad, was it?” I said with a warm smile. He gritted his teeth at me.

“What… what are you?”

“The question I have for you is- what is my name?” I asked him. He huffed in response.

“Trinity Bellucci. Whatever kind of weird pseudonym that is.” I rolled my eyes at him.

“Then it’s a good thing I don’t go by that name anymore. Now, I want you to ask me something that only someone with intimate knowledge of Canterlot would know. Hell, something that only you would know.”

He seemed confused, blinking at me. Then he rolled his eyes. “Okay, then. If you’re at Morning Dew’s house, how would you get to Pony Joe’s?” To be fair, it probably was a stupid question.

“Outside the door, you take a right and keep going straight until you hit Shakedown Street. Then you make a left at Terrapin Station and head forward. Three streets down, you’ll see Pony Joe’s on the left.” I said, and my smile widened immensely. “Ah, good. So this thing can give knowledge as well as absorb it. Nice.”

He looked at me wide-eyed. “How did-”

I just turned around. “Alright, boys. You know what to do. Ulysses, come with me.” I didn’t need to look back to know how they were gonna handle getting rid of the evidence.

“W-wait, what are you- hrk!”

Thankfully, my wagon was waiting in an alley around the corner. I jumped onto my seat and clutched my skull, groaning in pain.

“Ffffuck!” I moaned out, grabbing a handful of aspirin and throwing them back. I leaned back and sighed, and Ulysses took his seat across from me.

“You still getting headaches from that concussion?” He asked, and I nodded.

“Yeah. You’d think they’d be done with by now, but it’s probably just stress at this point. I’m not worried about it.” Ulysses merely shrugged in response.

“Ugh… you know what? Cancel the rest of my plans.” I knocked on the front wall of the carriage. “Just take me home, boys!”

“Well,” Ulysses spoke, “That was a short day.” I rolled my eyes at him.

“If you were feelin’ what I was feelin’ you’d be thinking the same thing.”

---

Uh. I should’ve finished that fucker off that first time around. While the headaches have gotten semi-frequent, they’re rarely debilitating like that, thank god. The aspirin usually works pretty well.

But anyways, onto the here-and-now. Since the Gala was tomorrow, Dee and I decided to spend it in Ponyville- mainly to spend some time with our families… just in case the worst happened. As horrible as it is to think about- we could both potentially be in some deep shit here. I hate having so many unknown variables, but there’s only so much I can realistically do.

If Twilight’s been planning something in regards to me, it’s been a well-kept secret. I can’t exactly interview her guards- as one of them going missing would absolutely be noticed, especially if they were in a position of power. I couldn’t just ask her friends, either- because that could tip Twilight off into knowing that something was up.

And so, we were stuck. As Dee and I rode the train to Ponyville, the feeling could best be described as somber. We were both relatively silent on the way over, both of us basking in each other's warmth and company. She was leaning into my shoulder and I had a wing wrapped around her.

When we both got off the train, we just sat on the platform looking into each other's eyes.

“Well… See you tomorrow?” I said with a small grin on my face. I lightly rubbed her cheek with my palm and she pulled me in for a kiss.

“I will. We’ll make it through this.” she said, and we soon parted ways.

As I walked the streets of Ponyville, I’ll be honest- I wasn’t exactly all there. My mind was so distracted with all the other stuff I had going on, and I barely even noticed all the looks I was getting from the town folks. But it was getting late, anyway- so it’s not like there were a lot of people out and about.

But that didn’t matter, since I was finally home. “Hey, Mamma.” She pulled me in for a hug and I sighed in relief. She was quite happy to see me and wasted no time in ushering me to the couch. Despite the fact that she knew about the scar on my beak, she still winced when she saw it- but decided not to bring it up.

We sat on the couch together and I leaned into her side, hugging her and resting my face in her chest feathers. “I missed you a lot, Mamma.”

“I missed you too, baby… What’s wrong?” She asked, and I forced myself to shrug.

“Nothin’. I just missed you.”

“Sweetie, you tell me you miss me everytime I see you… and yet you’ve never looked like this. What’s on your mind?” After a few moments of consideration, I sighed.

“It’s… I, I don’t know how…” How do I even begin to explain the problem?

“Sweetie, you can tell me anything. You know I’ll always love you.” I swallowed a lump in my throat, afraid to tell her the truth.

“I… I think I might be in trouble tomorrow… but I don’t know for sure.”

“Hmm… why would that be the case?” subconsciously, I grabbed her tighter. I didn’t want to ever let go.

“Twilight’s known I’ve been doing illegal stuff for years… she just hasn’t been able to prove it. She told me as much- so why did she invite my wife and I to the gala?” I already talked to Mamma through the mail about it. She already told me she has no idea why Twilight invited us to the Gala.

“Leona, I want you to be honest with me. What did you do?” I didn’t respond, I was at a loss for words. “Leona, please. You can tell me- I won’t think any less of you.” I looked up and she gave me that warm, motherly smile.

“What haven’t I done?” I started to confess- “I’m Manehattan’s biggest supplier of booze, along with several other counties in the nation. I have most of Manehattan in my back pocket, actually. Tax evasion, insurance fraud, prostitution rings, racketeering, gambling rings… I’m making a fuckton of money and funneling it into the old country.” To my shock- she didn’t look surprised at all, only giving me a smile.

“Leona, I’ve known you your whole life. While I was unaware before, the fact that you’ve been so busy doesn’t surprise me.” She started running a hand along my back, and I smiled, feeling content. “You can stop while you’re ahead, still. In fact- didn’t I tell you that once already?”

I sighed. “I wish it were that easy. I’ve got so much to do, so much to prove- and I’ve got so little time to do it all.”

“But that’s the thing! You don’t need to prove yourself to anyone! Even if you stopped right now, you’ve already invented something set to change the world. Your name is already being written in the history books for that ammonia thing you came up with! You should see how big the apple farm has gotten ever since fertilizer started getting cheap.”

“Yeah, but-” I started, but she interrupted me.

“I understand that your life is your life, and your ambitions are your own… but just remember- I’ll always be proud of you, no matter what.” I couldn’t help but smile. I pulled back and she kissed me on the forehead.

“Thanks, Mamma.” Up close, you could sort of see the age in her eyes. She was almost in her 30s- but you really wouldn’t be able to tell unless you were up close. “You know, I revisited our old house awhile ago.” Her grin widened.

“In Featherworth?” I nodded at her.

“Yeah! The house was a bit worse for wear, but I knew it was ours. The mailbox still had our last name on it, and my name was still scrawled into the porch. It was a nice trip down memory lane, that’s for sure.”

“I bet it was, baby.”

“Uh-huh! And when I get the economy up and running again, spoiler alert, I’m gonna have it restored and rebuilt! But until then, you can live in the castle with Dee and I.” She tilted her head in confusion at me.

“Oh, right! I never did tell you the plan!” So I did. I explained to her how I was gonna restart the economy and wage war against the dogs to get them back in line. “Look, if things get hairy at the Gala tomorrow, I have an escape plan.” I pulled out a blank check and handed it to her. “Dee and I are gonna escape to Featherworth. I want you to meet us there- I can guarantee you whatever special treatment you want! You’ll even live in the castle with us!”

Then, after a few moments, her smile fell- and my heart sank.

“Sweetie, I… I can’t accept this.” She set the check back in my hand and I sat there dumbfounded. “It’s not that I don’t want to go with you, it’s just… I don’t want to go back to Featherworth.” I wordlessly urged her to continue, not sure if I was hearing her correctly.

“It’s like… I don’t have anyone left there, at least, no one that I talk to. It’s been almost 16 years, and… that’s just so much time. I have friends here, I have a life here. I’m sorry.”

My voice began to shake. “You mean that after all this time, you don’t want to go home?” I was dumbfounded! She lived there longer than I did, and she doesn’t want to go home?

“Sweetie, this is home! Think of it like this- why do you want to go home?”

You know… that was a good question.

“I… Well, I have to!” I pulled back, gesticulating wildly. “I mean… they destroyed our home! Our way of life! We can’t just sit back and let everything we stand for go to ruin!”

“And what do you stand for?” She asked, and I felt my eye twitch.

“Personal liberty. A sense of justice. An overall feeling of responsibility.”

“Sweetie, think of it like this.” She looked me in the eyes, and her warm smile never left. “You can think of a million justifications to keep going. But you only need one to settle down…” After a few seconds, she said “I’ve done enough. And that’s all.”

I sighed, leaning back into the couch. “If it were that easy, I’d consider it. But I’ve got people counting on me, now. People believe in this cause, and I don’t intend to let any of them down.” Mamma bit her lip, then conceded with a sigh.

“If I can’t talk you down… just be careful, alright? I don’t want to see you hurt anymore.” I thought about the scar on my beak and winced. She sniffled, wrapping her arms around me and burying her face in my chest plume.

“Don’t worry, Mamma. This war is gonna be so one sided that victory is guaranteed.” She just sighed, pulling back with a sad look in her eyes.

“That’s what I’m afraid of.” She kissed me on the cheek and smiled wearily. “But enough of that. It’s getting late- let’s head to bed.”

I smiled faintly. “Thanks, Mamma.” She didn’t even tell me to come with her. I just hopped on the bed and she threw a wing around my back.

“Just remember, baby. No matter what happens, you’ll always have a home here.” Despite how dark it was, I knew she was smiling.

---

The next day would be quite busy- despite the fact that the Gala wouldn’t be happening until somewhat late tonight, I still had so much to get done. Mainly, planning my escape. It would be a simple, if a little bit stupid plan, but I’m hoping it will work.

There were some downsides to this plan, though- it required me to wear a dress, and I only had the room to holster one pistol underneath it. The reason I decided to wear a dress instead of my normal garb, is… well, I wouldn't want to spoil anything, would I? And besides- I like feeling pretty, you know?

The dress was, you guessed it, black with golden decorations. It was long and flowy- thankfully, there were holes for my wings to fit through. However, I was still wearing my hat. Dee was wearing a suit, funnily enough. It was pink with yellow highlighting, giving her a sort of businesswoman appearance. It was fitting and she looked damn good in it.

After having hugged Mamma for what may well be the last time in a good while, I felt prepared. When Dee and I got off the train to Canterlot, we both walked side by side.

The Gala wouldn’t be anything crazy special. Both the old princesses would be here, probably to steal the show from Twilight. That could be another reason for her to try something- to either impress her old masters or as a bid to regain the spotlight.

Hell, for all I know, the answer could be neither. So far, I’ve found no evidence that Twilight is planning something. And we’re hardly different from all the rest of the rich greaseballs here- in fact, I’m willing to bet that, in some way or another, a bunch of these fucks are on my payroll.

Dee and I handed our tickets to the guards out front and inside the castle, we both beheld… disappointment.

Personally, I’ve never understood the Gala. It’s essentially a once-a-year party where the most boring, stuffiest bunch of assholes meet up with the regular rich assholes for some fuckin’ reason. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a prestigious event and under better circumstances, I’d be honored to receive an invitation to such an exclusive party… But what kind of party is this? Not a single person is belligerently drunk or high, and there’s not even some whore giving out blowjobs in the shitter!

“Wait, Leona… is that the Mayor of Manehattan?” Dee pointed over towards the open bar and I realized that I spoke too soon. The party just barely started and we could tell he was fuckin wasted- must’ve been pregaming hard. Then again- he is kind of an alcoholic, and I’m kind of his main supplier. Since the booze was banned in the city and surrounding county, he rarely has the chance to let loose outside of his own private company.

Evidently, he took that as an excuse to drink ALL the liquor. I watched him trip and fall into one of the maids carrying a tray of champagne flutes, spilling the wine all over both of them. I couldn’t help but chuckle- then I realized something.

If I just up and left, along with my fellow confederates… there’s gonna be a massive power vacuum in Equestria. The criminal empire I’ve built for myself could very well collapse overnight- because if something happens, it would delegitimize my whole operation. I’d hate to have to stay behind and clean up that mess.

Anyways- as I was looking around amused by the whole situation, Dee had stars in her eyes.

“You seem awfully excited.” I said with a smirk. She just looked at me and nodded with a smile.

“Well, I’ve always dreamed of getting invited to the Gala- ever since I was a little filly.” I just looked at her incredulously.

“Babe… we’re likely walking into a trap, you do realize?” She rolled her eyes and scoffed.

“I know, but… being invited to the Gala means that the Princess herself sees us as important enough to extend an invitation. Let’s say it’s not a trap- in that case, it’s everything I’ve ever dreamed of!”

“... You’ve always dreamt of getting invited to the most boring party on the planet?” Never mind the fact that… alright, you get the idea.

“No, I’ve always dreamt of being rich and famous enough to get invited! And you know how I feel about that.” She said, and you know what? She had a point. Hell, she was half the reason I was doing the things I was doing; She wanted to be famous and loved by everyone, and I wanted revenge. I conceded, rolling my eyes with a giggle.

“Ok, I get your point.” She continued her excited looking around until she pointed to the photographers.

“OOH! We gotta get our pictures taken!” she said, grabbing my arm and dragging me there. Of all the things…

We stood at the podium and I made sure to stand at her right side. I angled my face slightly so that the camera wouldn’t capture the scar on my beak. There was a bright flash and I tipped the operator. They would all get developed later, apparently.

“You’re still feeling self conscious about that scar?” Apparently, my wife noticed what I was doing. I just shrugged.

“Yeah, I suppose I am. Nothing to be done for it, I suppose.” She just gave me a look of concern,

“Babe, I doubt it’d even be noticeable in black and white.” I just shrugged. I still wasn’t happy about it.

But alas- the night went on. The party started getting more and more populated and the band was in full swing, playing classical music. Dee broke off to talk with fellow business folks and I decided to raid the refreshments.

Sadly- there wasn’t much for me over there. It was mainly catered to ponies- so it was either leaf flower based fancy foods or confectionaries that were more sugar than food. There were no savory cold cuts or anything of the sort- there wasn’t even a proper antipasto platter! Eventually I found some sort of cubed cheese, stuck with toothpicks with a basil leaf on top. I just started munching on those and throwing the leaves away. I don’t even know what kind of cheese it was- but it was mid, I’ll tell you that much.

I heard a giggle nearby. “I take it you’re enjoying the buffet?” I turned around and rolled my eyes. I think this guy's name was… Blue-something-or-other. I’m gonna call him Blueballs, though.

“I’d enjoy it more if any of the food here was edible.” He snorted out laughter,

“Ah, so the commoner has no taste in good food. What a surprise.” He rolled his eyes and floated over some random confectionary, nibbling on it like a rabbit.

Fuckin’ rich people. I decided to walk away and try to find my wife before this guy pissed me off.

“Would ze maiden care for a drink?” One of the servers presented the tray of champagne, but I waved her off.

“No thanks. I don’t drink.” But for some reason, she insisted.

“Ah, but zis is no ordinary champogne, it vas aged in-” I fixed her a death glare and she got the hint.

“I. Don’t. Drink.” I grumbled while walking away. At this point, I was hoping Twilight would try something. I was not vibing with this party.

Finally- I found my wife… looking particularly uncomfortable. That rich asshole from the buffet was talking to her and she was looking around nervously. Then our eyes met and she smiled- I already knew what to do. I walked up to her side and threw my wing around her back, and the rich fucker looked at us in disgust.

“Hey babe, is this cunt giving you problems?” I asked her, and she giggled.

“Hmph! I didn’t realize they let fillyfoolers into this event.” He moved to turn around and I grabbed his collar.

“The fuck did you just call me, habsburg?” He clamped his mouth shut and took that as his cue to fuck off. “That’s what I thought.” I looked at my wife with a smile, hearing the music go from slow and somber to more energetic and upbeat.

“May I have this dance?” I asked, holding a hand out. She smirked and nodded, and we made our way to the dance floor.

It was nice, really. As much as I hated being here, Dee seemed to be having a good time. For the rest of the evening, I decided to stay by her side. One, just in case something happened, and two, because I just liked spending time with her and seeing her happy.

Eventually, however, it was time for Twilight to make her speech.

“Attention, everypony!” Since she was the princess, everyone shut up pretty fast. She was standing at the top of the stairs- although she looked pretty tiny up there, when you consider that it was originally built with Celestia’s large rump in mind. And, you know, she was still the size of a normal pony.

“I’d like to extend my gratitude to each and every one of you in attendance! In some way or another, you’ve all helped keep Equestria together- and for that, I thank you.” Well, I don’t know about that… “I also have a special announcement to make!” The entire audience looked on in anticipation… and I held my wife close.

“After nearly four years of loyal servitude, I’d like to welcome the first non-Equestrian native to ever join the Equestrian Guard- Gallus!” Well, no fuckin’ shit. The blue chucklefuck’s gone far, far off course from what I originally expected of him. He stood next to Twilight in his ornate golden armor- though he wasn’t wearing a helmet.

“But that’s not it- for his bravery and investigative prowess, I also grant him the highest honor I can grant him in his line of work. This position has been waiting to be filled since my brother left to rule the Crystal Empire with his wife for years- and I’ve found a candidate worthy of his old title.” Two other guards came up behind him and lowered a helmet onto his head- one with a blue plume atop it.

“Give a warm welcome to our newest Royal Guard Captain, Gallus!” The audience clapped and I looked at him apprehensively.

“I thank you for the honor, Princess Twilight.” He said with a bow before looking back to the audience. “As the newest Captain of the Royal Guard, my first order of business…” He then looked at me straight in the eye where I stood in the crowd, and I smirked. Slowly, I noticed guards were crowding all the exits to the room.

“After almost a year of investigation, I’ve finally figured out why so much money is seemingly vanishing from the economy. Large shipments of money have begun shipping over to minos in falsely-marked crates… and just as we noticed that, one Leona Grimfeather had a meeting with the king of Fertilia.” My smirk intensified and I noticed my wife shaking- so I held her tight.

“And for this reason… I accuse Leona Grimfeather and Diamond Tiara Grimfeather of high treason by colluding with foreign entities.” The crowd gasped, all stepping back to give me the spotlight. “What have you to say in your defense?”

After a few moments of nervous whispers from the crowd… I laughed.

“Nya-hahahahaha! You always were a follower, Gallus. Even when I was teaching you how to pick pockets and hawk stolen cigarettes, all the way back in the old country.” The crowd gasped and Gallus was taken aback. Evidently, he did not want that secret out. “And as for you, Twilight… you’ve always been naïve. Did you really, really think that I wouldn’t think something was up when you sent us that invitation months ago?” After a few seconds, Gallus turned to glare at Twilight and she gave a sheepish grin.

The media was gonna have a field day with this one. I reached under my dress, pulling out-

“Babe, what the fuck is that?” My wife spoke up, fear evident in her voice. It was a pressurized metal tank- one which was covered in skull-and-crossbone symbols, and most importantly- labeled as Chlorine.

“This.” I yelled out loud, getting everyone's attention. I held the tank up high so everyone could see the skulls covering the canister. “Is chlorine gas. It’s a weapon I’ve developed in secret to help with the war effort against the Diamond Dogs.” The guards were all looking around nervously and the crowd was about to start panicking.

“The mechanism with which it works is simple. The gas fills the air and gets all over everything. It’s a skin irritant- but that’s the least of your worries.” Even my wife was looking at me in fear. “It binds to water molecules, creating hydrochloric acid. It gets in your eyes and makes you go blind. It gets in your lungs and destroys the delicate tissues. You’ll start coughing up blood and bits of your lungs. And inside this small canister is enough to kill everyone in this room.” The tension in the room was so intense that I think I saw some ponies pass out.

Hoping they wouldn’t call my bluff, I slammed the canister down onto its nozzle- causing it to break off.

Hissssssss!

“RUN!” I screamed at the top of my lungs, and all hell broke loose. The room began to fill with harmless helium gas as I grabbed my wife, and using my intimate knowledge of the castle and city layout, we made our escape. Even the guards were in full panic mode- which was good for us.

Once again, I planned to use herd mentality to my advantage. Outside the castle was a large crowd of scared, confused looking ponies seemingly frozen on the ground. I whipped out my pistol and aimed for the sky. As an afterthought, I hope there were no pegasi above us.

BANG! “EVERYBODY RUN!” and that was all they needed, ponies were running in every direction. “Follow me!” I yelled to my wife, and she blindly began running after me. I had her chasing me into various alleys and dark corners of the city until the crowd started thinning out.

We were jumping over fences and trashcans, stomping over gardens, and even knocked a few random ponies on their asses on the way to our destination.

“There’s a small ledge coming up soon! Just jump and we’ll be home free.” Due to sheer herd mentality, my wife was barely able to register her surroundings. And you see, the ledges of Canterlot are often decorated with pegasi landing strips and viewing balconies.

So she jumped off that ledge and looked down- I think her heart might have stopped when she realized she was several miles in the air, looking at the forest below. It was like a fuckin Wile E Coyote moment where she seemed to float for a moment before remembering that gravity was a thing.

I dove down after her and caught her in the freefall, slowly flattening my angle so I could slow us down enough to get to the dropoff zone. It was in the middle of a thin patch of woods growing on the mountainside that a chariot piloted by my guys was waiting for us.

“Hey lads! You know where to take us!” I slowed us down and set my wife on her seat, shutting the carriage door behind us. I hated the fact that I had to trick her- And I felt really guilty when I saw how bad she was shaking, so I held her close.

“It’s okay, baby… we’re okay.”

This… was gonna be a long journey.

Race To The Sea

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“It’s alright, baby. You’re gonna be okay.” I spent the better part of a half hour trying to console my terrified wife. We were in a carriage- one with a closed top, space for storage, and curtains which could be shut over the window. What I’m saying is, we didn’t have to worry about a pegasus spotting us from above. Once we get away from this city, we should be able to travel through the small towns of this nation unimpeded until we reach the ocean.

I lit up a cigarette and handed it to her. “Here, it’ll help.” She took a drag and immediately started hacking up a lung; but once she calmed down, she giggled.

“I hate smoking, you know that?” She said, handing the smoke back.

“Yeah but it helped, didn’t it? Those are the first words you’ve said to me since we got here.” I gladly opted to help her finish that cigarette and she huffed, crossing her arms.

“I’m still mad at you, though.” she gave me a playful smack on the shoulder, “You tricked me!”

“Well, I got us out, didn’t I! And I’m sorry.” And I really did mean that. “I hate that I had to lie to you, but it was the best way I could make it believable. I had to make them believe they were in danger of dying a horrible death.” She sighed in defeat.

“Yeah, I know… but fuck! I saw my life flash before my eyes for a minute there!” She was clutching her chest- no doubt, her heart was still racing. I wrapped her in a hug, even throwing my wings around her back.

“Baby, I would never put you in any sort of real danger. I promise.” I nuzzled her forehead then pulled back.

“Yeah, but… but what about that gas can?”

“Helium. There never was any real danger aside from getting caught.” I gave her a smug smirk and she let out a sigh of relief. “And besides. When we eventually take power, I would still like there to be open diplomatic relations between our two nations someday. That- and I’d rather not be branded a terrorist.”

She giggled and said, “Yeah, that’s a fair point. Well, baby- what’s the plan now? Hopefully it doesn’t involve me almost having a heart attack?” I just shrugged at her, taking my dress off.

“I’ll keep that as the contingency.” I strapped on all my holsters and put my pistols away, throwing my favorite coat-and-capelet combo on. I tore the dress up a bit and threw it out the window- hopefully, it would create even a brief distraction for any search parties.

“So my plan is we’re gonna be taking the long way home. We’ll be making our way through the less developed western part of Equestria. The population’s less dense, the forests are thicker, and the ponies are… less than reputable. The perfect place for someone like us, huh?” She bit her lip in response.

“Well… if you’re sure.” She said, and I yawned.

“It’s getting late. Try and get some rest?” I said, putting my hat to the side and using my wife's lap as a pillow.

“Are you kidding me?” She said with a smirk.

“Nuh.” I said, wrapping my arms around her hips. “This is my pillow. It was made for me.” I nuzzled her thigh and got comfy.

“Ugh… I swear, you’re worse than an actual cat.” She giggled and started petting my back, and I couldn’t help but smile.

“And like a cat, if you attempt to move me, I will commit random acts of violence. This is your life now and you’re stuck with me.”

“And I wouldn’t want it any other way, baby.”

---

The next day around noon, I had my guys park our carriage in a clearing in some woods. They would be heading towards a nearby town to pick up some stuff for us- mainly canned food, water, cigarettes, and aspirin. You know- all four food groups necessary to sustain life.

“I have to wonder… What was Twilight thinking when she invited us?” Dee asked, and I paused to really think about that one.

“The more I think about it, the more I realize it wasn't a bad idea in concept. In fact, I’m willing to bet that the reason she wanted us to go on this trip is so she could raid our apartment in our absence. But again- I thought ahead. Anything valuable or important was left with Ulysses. And even if that wasn’t the case, the feds probably already raided our apartment in the aftermath of last night.” I gave a smug smile. “Too bad there’s nothing left to find.” Except for all our toys. That… that’ll probably raise some questions, and potentially even act as a red herring.

Like, if you saw half the shit we had there, your first thought would be they’re definitely torturing ponies in here.

“Still… the fact that she could’ve pulled it off if she put a little more thought into it is concerning.”

“I think there’s also the simple fact that she didn’t expect me to try anything stupid surrounded by guards. In her mind, she was thinking I’d throw my hands up when the guards started filling the room, and honest to fuck, that’s a fair assumption to make. But the reality of it is, I’m not afraid to try something stupid to get out of a situation like that.” I giggled, “I remember one time my Mamma told me- just because you get away with something stupid, doesn’t make it any less stupid!”

I was brought out of my musing by a knock on our carriage door. Three knocks, followed by a pause and two brisk strokes was the code that told me it was one of my guys outside.

“What’s the word?” I asked, and one of my guys handed me up a couple bags full of supplies. The way I had it set up was a sort of relay system- every day, we’d get a new carriage puller which I had set up all along the trail we’d be taking. That way we’d constantly be on the move.

I fished through the bag for the aspirin, popping a couple to stave off the probable headache.

“Boss? You may wanna look at this as well.” He handed a rolled up newspaper to me.

“Oh… shit.” On the front page, underneath the headline, was a picture of Dee and I… in full color. We were at the gala- and I had my face angled slightly so my scar wouldn’t be visible.

“Well, honey… How'd the picture turn out?” I asked her.

“WHAT!?” she yelled, yanking it out of my hands. “Oh, shit!... Well, at least we look good.”

“Evidently, they spared no expense on the photography.” I deadpanned, moving over next to my wife so we could both read the paper. Damn near the entire thing was dedicated to last night's clusterfuck and I don’t even know where to start.

Well, there was the fact that we managed to humiliate Captain Gallus on his first day on the job. We also humiliated Twilight in much the same manner and have made ponies question her efficacy as a ruler. Some ponies are even demanding that Celestia, and even Luna to a lesser extent, take the throne back from Twilight.

There’s also debate on whether or not chlorine gas was real, since I managed to bluff them all into thinking that a tank of helium spelled the doom of my wife and I, a horde of annoying nobles, Princess Aspergers, and the traitorous reject of the Blue Man Group. Speaking of him, the gossip mills are going apeshit with the idea that Gallus came from a degenerate criminal background. And in the aftermath of the whole thing, apparently he and Twilight got into an argument about how dumb of an idea it was to send us the invite so early.

But what really caught our eyes were the personal interviews. Gallus vowed to bring the two of us to justice. Twilight didn’t have much to say on the matter- but then again, she was interrupted mid-interview. Celestia said that she believes that, despite this minor setback, Twilight will figure out a way to resolve the issue without violence. Luna… when she was being interviewed along with Celestia, she muttered something along the lines of preventing another disaster… whatever she was referring to.

The most interesting part, however, was the interview with my Mamma. She was quite furious with Twilight- Actually, she interrupted Twilight when they were interviewing her in her castle to give her a piece of her mind. The report was heavily cut down, but I imagine it had a lot of “Why, I oughta!’s” and a bunch of “motherfucking” going on, as well as menacing fist waving.

There was one more interview after that one.

“We also asked Mr. and Mrs. Rich for any thoughts or comments on the matter involving their daughter. Mr. Rich said he hopes that Mrs. Tiara will come to her senses and return home, hoping that by turning herself in she will receive a lighter sentence. When we asked Mrs. Rich about her thoughts on the matter, her response was- ‘Daughter? What daughter? I have no daughter.’ Check tomorrow for more updates as our story develops!”

…

“Oh, shit… I’m sorry, babe.” I said to my wife. She was just holding the newspaper and trembling. She had a haunted look in her eyes and I immediately pulled her into a hug, lightly stroking her back.

“She… she…”

“Just let it out, baby. I’m here for you.” She cried meekly into my shoulder and I honestly felt guilty over it. “I’m sorry to drag you into this.”

She sniffled, “I-it’s not that… and it’s not your fault… I just…” She choked back another sob and I just gently petted her back. The carriage lurched forward and I knew for sure that we were in private.

“Look, I know what it’s like to have an uncaring mother. Back when I was still human.” I said, and her cries slowed down slightly. “But if there’s anything that experiencing two lives has taught me, it’s that family is who you make. Not who you’re born from.” She pulled back and I nuzzled her cheek.

“We’re gonna make it through this, baby. Just the two of us.” I said with a smile. Someday, Mamma will come around- but until then, I’ll have her in my heart. Finally, my wife smiled and kissed me on the cheek.

“Yeah… yeah! We’ll show them, we’ll show them all!” She said with a giggle.

I couldn’t agree more.

---

The next few weeks were difficult and slow going, but very safe. Being accused of high treason, we had quite large targets over our heads- so we acted accordingly. We were constantly swapping drivers and carriages- the only other times we stopped were to use the bathroom or stretch our legs once or twice a day. Well, “bathroom” in heavy quotations. For many days at a time, we were well far from civilization, and even when we were close, we still took our chances in the forest.

Personally, I had no problem with it, knowing damn well I’ve survived in far greasier situations… but it was really taking a toll on my wife. She would complain every time she had to go, whining about how it was embarrassing and unladylike. Every time we’d sit down to eat, she’d complain that she’s tired of eating cold canned food- and what the fuck was I supposed to do about that? We were in a wooden carriage and we couldn’t afford to stop and make a fire. I wasn’t happy about it either- but I just tried to focus on the light at the end of the tunnel.

Speaking of which- we were soon approaching Califoalnia, where we’d take a cargo ship across the ocean to Fertilia. We parked in a clearing in the woods where our wagon was approached by a bunch of my associates.

“Alright boys, listen up.” I said, walking to the back of the wagon. There was a locked chest in the back which only I had the key for. “I’m gonna need a massive diversion to get my wife and I to the docks.” I tossed my cigarette to the side.

Inside the chest were several things- a map of the city, molotovs, a couple pistols, and dynamite… which is why I decided to throw the cigarette away.

“Hang on, how long has that stuff been in here?” Dee asked, and I smirked.

“Ever since we last swapped wagons.” My face straightened, and I turned to my gang. “Pay’ll be five times what you’re all used to, and if any of you get caught, I have top notch lawyers on standby.” I rolled out the map and explained the plan.

The gist of it was that on one side of the city, one group was gonna rob a bank- that’s what the dynamite was for. On the other side of the city were some abandoned warehouses which the other group would burn down. My thinking is that both things happening at once would thin out any possible police presence, giving my wife and I access to the ocean where we would board a ship.

I knew the captain and he owed me a favor, so we wouldn’t have to worry about getting caught as stowaways. Once I told them the plan and gave them a rough estimate of how much money they’d make, they all happily agreed.

And so, that just left Dee and I to wait. About an hour later, a plume of black smoke was rising from one side of the town, and not long after that, a faint boom could be heard echoing in the distance.

“Ready?” I said to my wife, and she nodded. “Keep your head low and act natural.” I instructed her, and we made our way into town. We were moving at a brisk pace side by side, making sure to take less-populated streets to the docks. After a long journey, we were almost there.

The ship we were taking was a rusty old bucket which was often used for shipping massive quantities of food from Fertilia- after all, it’s one of the few industries still thriving in my home country.

“You’re gonna love Fertilia, baby.” I said to her as we climbed up the gangplank. “It’s fuckin beautiful- just like you.” I gave her a quick nuzzle on the cheek as I approached the captain.

“Ahab! You all ready to go?” I asked him. He was every sailor stereotype, even down to his white beard and missing eye. He wore a yellow rain hat and now that I think about it- how the fuck do beards on beaks work? I’ve seen a few griffons with mustaches, but they just look silly in my opinion.

We made our way below deck where we’d be sleeping in the crew quarters. The place was dirty and the bunks were raggedy, but it was safe.

“Gah, this place is such a mess! And all the salt in the air is gonna be terrible for my mane! And-” I put a finger to her lips.

“Babe. I love you with all my heart. I would kill for you, I would die for you, and I’d take over the world for you if you so wanted. If you wanted Celestia dead, I’d find a way to make it happen.” I took a deep breath, “But if you don’t stop complaining, I’m throwing you overboard.” I deadpanned, and she chuckled in response.

“Ohh… whatever.” she said, hopping onto the bed and sighing. “Fuck… it’s good to have a proper bed at least. Even a shitty one.” I smiled and motioned for her to move over. The bed was kinda small- so I cuddled her tight to save as much room as possible.

“So out of curiosity,” She started, “How’re a bunch of lawyers gonna get those guys out of… whatever the fuck they got up to?” I just looked at her with a wide, shit-eating grin.

“What lawyers?”

The Future Of Warfare

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This whole ordeal has taken quite the toll on my wife. The past month or so of constant daily travel has left us both looking like a couple of hobos. She long abandoned her pink suit because of how greasy and dirty it was getting. I still wore my stuff, but that was because it was made of tougher stuff than her outfit- after all, it was designed with the idea that someone would have to wipe the blood out of it.

Still though- her fur, normally pink and glossy, was constantly wet with grease and matted down. Her mane, which she would take great care of every day to make sure not even a single strand was out of place, was beginning to overgrow and fray at the ends. All the meanwhile, we both smelled like BO, fish, and salt. But still, could be worse.

I mean, we could’ve been forced to walk the whole journey. But fuck that- I was forced to do that once, I’m gonna try and avoid doing that if I can.

But anyways- the only reason I’m bringing this fact up is because while I was above deck having a cigarette, I heard a sound that was music to my ears-

BWOOOOOOOMP!

The foghorn! I rushed the bow of the ship to take a look- and there she was. The eastern coast of Fertilia. Keeping up with the overall theme of “the architect was on crack,” it was presented sort of like an Italian coastal town in layout and overall silhouette, but the architecture itself was a sort of strange Pennsylvania-dutch/ colonial America type of vibe. Almost as if Boston were built atop a craggy, near vertical river outlet.

I was leaning against the front rail when I heard footsteps from behind. I turned my head and smiled, my wife approaching me looking like such a charming mess. She leaned against the rail and I threw a wing around her back.

“Ah, shit.” I muttered, a sense of nostalgic wonder evident in my voice. I took a deep drag of my cigarette and said, “Here we go again.”

Just in time too- I was running out of aspirin. Speaking of which, I decided to pop one for the road and my wife just looked at me concerned.

“You know, you really should see a doctor about that. It wasn’t so bad at first, but now it’s nearly every day you’re taking those.” She said, and I just shrugged.

“Like I said, it’s from that concussion compounded with the stress. I’ll be fine, honey.” I tried to reassure her with a smile. She still seemed unsure, but didn’t argue any further. Yeah, I’ll be fine.

---

About a month ago, Gallus was appointed as the Captain of the Royal Guard. For his first day, he planned on putting a stop to what he suspected to be the largest criminal empire in Equestria- and his chance was blown, all by one stupid mistake.

“YOU SENT THEM THE INVITATIONS, HOW LONG AGO!?” To say that he was furious would be a bit of an understatement. He and Twilight were in his new office, the Princess nervously twiddling her hooves on a nearby couch. The Fertilian in him was coming to the surface, and he was angrily gesticulating all over the place.

“I didn’t think-”

“Yeah, no kidding!” He collapsed onto his chair, holding his head in both his hands. “This was supposed to be my chance to prove I’m better than what I came from…” He muttered to himself, and Twilight came up behind him and put a wing around his back.

“Talk to me. What’s this really about?” Twilight asked him, and he sighed.

“At the end of the day, Leona and I aren’t so different, and that scares me.” He sighed and leaned back in his chair. “We both grew up during the Depression, we both had to steal and cheat to survive. She wasn’t lying when she said she taught me how to do that stuff better.” He held up a coin purse, and Twilight gasped.

It was a purple felt baggie with dark purple trim around it- how could she not gasp? It was her wallet after all. He handed it back to her and she just looked at it in shock.

“You may wanna keep that on you tighter.” He smirked, but there was no mirth to be found in his voice. “Twilight, I’m gonna tell you something that I’ve never told a soul. Please, promise to keep it a secret.”

“I promise.” She said with a faint smile.

“Back in Fertilia, not long after Leona left for Equestria, I was still doing what I always did. Picking pockets, stealing cigarettes, that sort of stuff.” He sucked in a deep breath, folding his hands in front of his beak. “It was a normal day- and I was making my rounds picking pockets. I saw some hen with a fat purse on her hip, and I knew that would be my target. I grabbed her purse and ran. I remember her yelling something, but I didn’t know what at the time.

“It was a good payday, and I thought nothing of it beyond that… until I saw her a week later. She was sitting in the shade of an alleyway… and she had two little kids with her. Twins, I think they were. I never got a good look at her- but now I noticed just how… hollow she looked. She was emaciated, and almost looked dazed. She must’ve been delirious- she didn’t even recognize me.”

By now, Gallus was just staring blankly into the distance as Twilight's heart broke.

“She looked at me and said, please, would you do me a favor? And I felt… compelled to listen. She asked me if I could drop her kids off at the orphanage for a little while, which is where I lived at the time. And I… I… what was I supposed to do? Make her kids watch their mother die in front of them? Just by looking at her, I could tell that a fever was taking its toll, her breathing was so shallow... So I agreed.

“I brought the twins along with me- they were so, so young… couldn’t have been more than five years old each. They were so grateful, too- the entire way they were talking about how soon, their mother would be able to get her medicine and they’ll get their house back. They seemed so happy, so full of life. When I dropped them off at the orphanage, I… I…” His voice cracked terribly, and he reached into a desk drawer and pulled out a flask. He gulped down the gin heartily, letting the burning feeling from the alcohol calm his frayed nerves. Tears slowly rolled down his beak as he continued.

“That same day… I ran. I couldn’t bear to face them. I couldn’t stick around, watching the hope slowly fade from their eyes when they realized Mommy wasn’t coming back for them. I hid in a boxcar that was heading towards the coast, and eventually was able to find a ship I could easily stowaway on. When I got to Equestria, I was starving and nearly dying of thirst. Imagine my surprise when I saw griffons working the docks. I tried to sneak away, but was caught by the foreman- a Fertilian immigrant, named… Derek, I think.” Finally, a faint smile appeared on his beak.

“Well, instead of deporting me or leaving me for dead, like I thought he would… he took me in. Gave me water to drink and a small meal to stave off the hunger. He then took me to the orphanage, and the staff there were actually kind to me! I hadn’t even been in Equestria for a day, and already I was being treated with a kindness and respect that was almost unheard of back home! But then, I took some time to think about it… then I realized something…” He stood up from his chair and looked out the window, gesturing widely.

“This is my home! This is where I was meant to be all along. Then years later, I heard about your friendship school- and the rest was history. I love this country, and I’d die protecting it… and Leona feels the same about the old country.” His smile fell and he sat back down.

“That’s why I’m so worried. When she said she’d invented that chlorite gas or whatever she called it, I don’t have a single doubt that she was lying. I know she used helium- but why would she put herself in danger like that?”

“Gallus, I have utmost faith in you. Despite this setback, which I apologize for… Something tells me that this is far from over.” He looked at Twilight and smiled. He threw his hand to his head to salute.

“I won’t let you down, Princess Twilight. For Princess and Country.” His arm fell, and he continued- “Well, aside from that shitshow, I’ve had the guard making arrests all over the country of suspected gangsters. Most of them are just being held for questioning, but I definitely have dirt on more than a few. Enough to make a considerable dent in the “crime industry” Gallus said, not realizing how big of a power vacuum he was creating.

“Furthermore, I’d like to move on with- AGH!” He yelled and jumped when something slammed his door open. There was a griffon- black feathered with blue eyes, and a mottled gray-and-white coat… and she looked furious. Two royal guards were attempting to hold her back to no avail.

“TREASON!? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?” She yelled as all the others in the room quietly prayed to Celestia.

Gallus looked over to Twilight. “Should we… should we arrest her?” Twilight looked at him in horror.

“I’d feel safer throwing rocks at a hornets nest.” Not because of what Amelia would do, mind you- but because of what Leona’s response would probably look like. She wasn’t sure if chlorine gas was a real thing, but she also didn’t want to find out what it would look like if it was unleashed on an Equestrian city population.

This… was gonna suck.

---

The train ride to Featherworth was a bit longer than I anticipated- but when we finally arrived, I was glad it was almost time to chill.

“So this is Featherworth, huh?” Dee asked, and I nodded with a smile.

“Sure is. Though, I promise- it looked a lot less dingy during better days.”

At the castle, the guard moved out of our way immediately. A servant awaited us inside, beckoning us to follow.

“You will have a meeting with the king, first thing in the morning.” Evidently, he got a whiff of us and cringed, “Please, I beg of you to freshen up sometime before then.”

It was a little embarrassing, not gonna lie. “Look, I’d hate to be in such a state, but the circumstances haven’t been exactly ideal.” he didn’t even grace us with a response.

Our room was quite luxurious- with a massive bed lined with silk sheets, a balcony which could be used for landing and exiting the room, and an attached bathroom, with a shower so big it could fit both me and my wife…

So naturally, we decided to take advantage of that fact after having to abstain for almost a month. Even though we didn’t have any of the proper tools, I could still use my fingers and tongue to great effect.

The next morning, we were both feeling refreshed and relaxed. And since I thought ahead of time, there was already a change of clothes waiting for us in the closet. I was wearing the same coat, capelet, and hat combo- while my wife got a new pink, pinstriped suit. It was hella nice.

There was a hat that came with it- but she said that wasn’t really her style. Fair enough.

A different servant led us to the throne room, where the fat, old King Grover was waiting for us.

“My lord.” My wife and I both bowed. “We are both endlessly grateful that you’ve allowed us to quarter here.”

“Let’s cut to the chase. Have I been wasting my time, or are we ready to get this fight underway?” He asked, and I grit my beak.

“We’re almost prepared. I just need to gather warriors for my shock unit and finish weapons production and training. The first part of which, I believe Ulysses has already begun?” I asked, and he nodded.

“Showed up about two weeks ago. He’s been quite rigorous, from what I hear.”

“And what of your army? Have your men been following my manual of arms and doctrine training?” I asked him, and he frowned at me.

“I can assure you, my general has been following your instructions down to the letter. Overall, he’s managed to amass an army over 500 griffons strong- and in fact, they’re doing training today on the city outskirts.” I gave him a grin.

“Excellent.” I turned to my wife. “I have other business to take care of. Would you mind meeting up with Ulysses to get the finances figured out?” I asked and she nodded. I bowed to the king once more.

“Then we have no further business to discuss. Until then.” I started to make my leave- then turned back as an afterthought. “Also. I expect my wife to be treated with the respect owed to her as my partner. And so help me, if I find out something happened to her…” I glared at the king and drew my thumb across my neck. I didn’t even wait on an answer.

---

Finding the training field wasn’t difficult- I just had to follow the sound of gunfire, after all. They were wearing the uniforms I designed for them- which was basically a British redcoat uniform, except xanthous yellow instead of crimson. That, and they were all wearing german-esque pickelhaube helmets.

It… kinda looked like there was a metal buttplug on the top of their helmets- something I would have to seriously discuss with the king. Hell, does he even know what a buttplug is?

About half were practicing rank and file formations while the other half were sparring with cutlasses. The way I had it figured out, there would be battalions consisting of 50 griffons, each led by a single officer armed with pistols and carrying portable radios. They would sit lined up in rows of 10, and five men deep. The idea is that the first row would fire a volley, then hover up into the air to reload the rifle. The next row would fire, and so on and so on, and in theory, by the time the last row has fired off their volley, the first row should be ready again, keeping a constant stream of fire on the enemy.

As for the rifles themselves- they were long, with a monopod on a hinge on the front to assist in aiming. Rather than a typical shoulder stock, they were the “stick stock” type, and each had a rounded plate on the butt for extra stability, to make reloading while hovering a bit easier. And in fact, the buttplate style comes with a bonus- rather than pulling the rifle back into the front of your shoulder for stability, you pull it forward for stability, resting it against the back of your shoulder. Therefore in a turn that was unexpected to me, I saw that the soldiers were using the monopod as a sort of vertical foregrip to make aiming easier.

It was far from the intended use, but fuck me, it worked well! In retrospect, I probably could’ve gone for a smoothbore musket instead, since it would’ve been cheaper to produce and when you’re doing volley fire like this, accuracy isn’t as important… but then again, the legendary bone shattering capability of the minie ball is quite desirable. Not to mention, that bullet also circumvents the problem of having to use a slightly larger caliber ball than the barrel to make full use of the rifling, as the expanding nature of the bullet allows you to basically drop it in. So whatever.

“Pardon me, ma’am! Civilians are not allowed in this area!” I heard a guy yelling towards me, and I just flashed him a smirk.

“I feel like I get an exception, considering the fact that I’m funding this whole operation.” The guy looked and dressed almost exactly like the drill sergeant from Full Metal Jacket. He seemed shocked- but quickly smiled.

“So you’re the mastermind behind this whole thing.” He held his hand out, “I’m General Obed Marsh, but you can call me Obed.” I couldn’t help but twitch my eye at the familiar name.

“Nice to meet you, Obed. Name’s Leona Grimfeather. Call me Leona.” I gestured toward the training field, where volleys were still being fired off. “I can see you’ve followed my instructions well. Good work.” He smiled and nodded.

“Although, something I wanted to bring up. Would it be possible to change out the butt plates for something more… ergonomic?” He asked, and I knew exactly what he meant.

“In the future, perhaps. But so close to zero hour, there’s just no time for major modifications like that. I will say, though- good on you for letting the tactics evolve naturally like that.” He just shrugged in response.

“I wanna win this as much as you do. I saw that what they were doing was working, and adjusted the doctrine accordingly. Glad to know you’re not so set in your ways, in that regard.”

“If we’re gonna win this, we need to keep what works and discard what doesn’t. Speaking of which- I hear the bayonets aren’t quite working as anticipated?” He shook his head.

“Afraid not. With how long these rifles are, trying to turn them into a spear just makes them far too unwieldy. Especially during a charge- cutlasses are just more practical.” I just shrugged. “So anyways… When are we planning on moving forward?”

“I’m thinking… About a couple months or so should be enough time to set everything into motion. I still have a few more logistical things to iron out, and I’d rather not try and fight a war during the winter anyway.” After all- it was in the middle of fall. “Until then- I want you to ready your troops for long marches across rough terrain. They’re gonna need the endurance to even make it to the enemy. Otherwise- keep up the good work, pal.” I slapped him on the back and turned around to leave.

“ALRIGHT, LADIES! LISTEN UP!” Obed yelled into a megaphone, getting the attention of the massed soldiers. “PACK YOUR STUFF! WE’LL BE MARCHING AROUND THE CITY WALLS UNTIL EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU COLLAPSES FROM EXHAUSTION!”

---

In the city, I also had a personal thing I wanted to take care of at Mamma’s request. I’d bought a bouquet of flowers off some little orphan girl who was selling them and was making my way to the cemetery.

The mood was quite somber and the grave I was looking for was surrounded by weeds. Setting the bouquet to the side, I started the process of pulling the weeds out by their roots and tossing them to the side. The headstone itself was crumbling- but the last name was still legible.

Grimfeather. I set the bouquet down in front of the grave. I felt like I wanted to say something… but no words came to the surface. At least, nothing kind, anyway. I guess I just… never really cared much for Gramma, at least, not as much as Mamma did.

Oh well.

I wasn’t paying attention as I made my leave- and I accidentally bumped into another griffon. “Oof! Ah, sorry about that.” I quickly said- I saw she was pulling weeds from a grave too, only the name on the grave was… quite familiar.

Galloway.

I felt… odd. “Here, lemme give you a hand, Miss.” I said with a faint smile. She tried to deny my help but I felt strangely compelled to help this woman, this stranger.

“I appreciate your help, Ma’am. Not many would, upon seeing the name.” she said with a sad look in her eye. I glanced off to the side nervously.

“What, was he your father or something?” She sniffed and nodded, tossing weeds and roots to the side.

“And he was a great man, despite what the rumors say.” After a few seconds of awkward silence between pulling roots, I had to ask.

“Well… if you don’t mind me asking, what do the rumors say?” As I asked that, I noticed something else odd- there was another grave very close by- also named Galloway.

Both tombs had male first names, and similar dates of births. I swallowed spit.

She scoffed, “He was framed. Said he was killed by a little girl after he tried to rape her, all while blind drunk! How ridiculous does that sound!?” she yelled, and I felt a twinge of… something. “You know the crazy part? He had a husband! Well, before he died of bird flu, a couple months prior... and he never even drank!” I blinked nervously.

“Sounds awful…” I muttered, pulling roots from the neighboring grave.

“That’s not even the worst of it.” She said with a sigh. “When he didn’t come home that night, I didn’t know what to do… so I went to the police. They tried to tell me that my father was a sick man, and I had no clue what they were on about! I… I’m sorry, but I’d rather not talk about this.” I immediately raised a hand.

“No, no, that’s fine. It’s not really my business anyway.” Although for some reason, it felt like it was. She gave me a weary smile and we finished plucking weeds in silence. Once both graves were clean, pulled me in for a quick, friendly hug.

“I appreciate your help. Really, the world needs more people like you in it.” She said, and I smiled blankly, nodding. “If I ever see you at the bar, drinks are on me.”

“Oh, no, I… I don’t drink. You don’t owe me anything.” I quickly said, and she just shrugged.

“Still though- if you need anything, do look me up. Name’s Maria- I’m sure you’ve figured out the last name by now.” She said with a giggle. “Take care, now! And stay safe!”

“You too.” I said, waving her off.

I don’t know why I stayed to help. I don’t know why I found her story so heart wrenching. And most of all… I don’t know why I feel like crying. I don’t regret killing him- I had to in order to survive… but still.

I don’t like this feeling.

Hell To Pay

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After the whole graveyard incident, I decided it best not to ruminate on the meaning and profundity of a man who died over fifteen years ago. I had business to attend to, after all.

Honestly, there’s no better way to drown out feelings like that than burying yourself in your work… or your wife. Either way works well.

Anyways- that was all a couple days ago. My wife and I decided to take some time off to relax after the long journey here- and lemme tell ya, she was loving the royal treatment- and this was only just a taste!

I think the reason that we’re being treated so well is because I’m essentially giving Grover a fuckton of free political clout because the future campaign will be fought in his name. If only he knew what I was planning.

“So… what’s happening today?” Dee asked as we were in our room, getting ready.

“Well… I get to try on my armor. And… I don’t actually know.” I scratched my chin, “At this point, about everything’s ready on our end- we’re just waiting on the perfect time to strike.”

Dee was about to open her mouth to respond- but the castle’s PA system crackled to life with a loud whistle.

“Diamond Tiara and Leona Grimfeather, please report to the throne room. I repeat, Diamond Tiara and Leona Grimfeather, please report to the throne room.” Click.

I blinked in confusion. “The fuck’s he want?” I said, grabbing my hat and groaning in annoyance. I checked my guns, which was part of my normal every-day ritual anyway as Dee put her suit on. I felt a headache beginning to form and I popped an aspirin for the road- Thankfully, they haven’t been as bad lately, which I’m taking as a good sign.

I was actually thinking of switching to tylenol, or whatever the local brand equivalent is. Mainly for the sake of preventing stomach ulcers.

Thankfully, the path through the castle was well known to me, since the king allowed me to… retrieve that information from a servant. The servant was fine, if a little shook by the whole experience. Dee asked me if I could give her that knowledge too, and I told her fuck no. I don’t know if the whole memory thing comes with any unforeseen risks, and I didn’t want to know.

We walked side by side, and I had my wing around her back. The throne room doors were massive, but thank fuck, they were already open.

But of course, if I knew what was waiting for us, I would’ve come with more dynamite and molotovs. Twilight Sparkle was in the throne room, talking to King Grover with an entourage of her guards. I drew a pistol and pulled my wife close.

“YOU FUCKING TRAITOR!” I screamed at the top of my lungs, waving my pistol like a madwoman. Twilight jumped and the King greeted me with a smile- all the while, all the guards in the room looked ready to pounce.

“N-Now, now, we can be civil here.” Twilight tried to reassure me with a warm smile- I just glared at her and clicked the funny switch.

“Leona, put that thing away. Princess Twilight and I have worked out a deal.” I grit my beak in furious anger- but eventually relented, holstering my pistol. I approached them cautiously- with my hand ready to draw at a second's notice.

“As you know, you’ve caused quite a stir across Equestria.” The King said, and I grit my beak in silence. “That puts me in a bit of an awkward position, you know.”

“Just get to the fucking point.” I growled out.

“I’m harboring Equestria’s public enemies number one and two. Now, I’m sure you can tell where there’d be a conflict of interest.” I noticed that Gallus was there too- and he was glaring at us intently.

“Fortunately,” Twilight said, “We’ve come to an agreement.” She turned to the King with a smirk, and he explained-

“Due to crimes against Equestria, yadda yadda, Leona, you’re stuck with indentured military servitude. As for you, Diamond Tiara… I don’t know, what’re you good at?” she just shrugged in response.

“Finance. Leadership. Creative accounting. I can lift approximately 50 pounds by myself.” She listed off matter-of-factly.

“Can you… can you cook?” He asked, and I decided to answer.

“She burnt a salad once, so not really.” that earned me a slap on the back of the head. The king just shrugged.

“Alright, you’re the new assistant head maid then. Princess Twilight- is this satisfactory?” She grimaced and sighed.

“Not really… but it’ll have to do, won’t it?”

“Just remember that the alternative is a war between our nations- I refuse to lose my one ace in the hole.” I noticed that Gallus was scowling fiercely at the king. He then turned his gaze to me- pointed at his eyes then pointed at my face, a gesture that meant I’m watching you.

I smirked at him and pointed my middle finger in the air, facing towards him- a gesture that meant go fuck yourself.

Twilight looked towards Grover and nodded. “Farewell, King Grover.” She said simply, gesturing for her guards to follow her out. Once the door was shut behind her, I just chuckled.

“Well, shit. I was planning on helping with the campaign anyways.”

“About that.” The King said, and I cocked an eyebrow. “Someone will be in your room first thing in the morning to wake you both up. When I said military service, I meant training as well.”

“Hold on hold on, what?” I just chuckled. “Training? Yeah right, you’re acting like I don’t know what I’m doing already.” I rolled my eyes.

“And what about me?” Dee asked, and the King just shrugged.

“Eh, the Assistant Maid title is tentative, really- I just said it so she’d go away. That said, though- you will be assisting my servants, as well as whatever else you were doing anyway.” He waved his hand in a dismissive gesture, and we took that as our cue to fuck off.

“I'm serious, Leona. First thing in the morning.” He said, and I rolled my eyes.

“Sure thing.”

I led Dee to her destination, then parted ways with a quick smooch on the cheek. “See you tonight, darling.” I gave her a quick nibble on the ear and she giggled adorably. “There’ll be more where that came from later.” I said with a smirk, and she blushed cutely.

---

The trip down to the castle's armorer was uneventful, thankfully.

I creeped through the door and yelled, “Yo, Andre! You here?” I yelled, and heard my response from the back of the shop.

“No one’s home, lassie.” He yelled back sarcastically, and I greeted him with a smile.

He spoke in a Scottish accent, reminiscent of a Nalotian. He had long, white feathers and a tan colored back half, and holy fuck he was buff. Absolutely massive muscles covered nearly his entire body, the sweat glistening and dripping off him like- Damn it, Leona, you are a happily married woman! Keep it together! Despite my internal chastisement, I couldn’t help but imagine him crushing my skull between his thighs like a watermelon. Unf.

Anyways, what was I here for? Ah, right.

“Heard my armor was done?” I asked, and he stopped hammering and wiped some sweat off his brow.

“Aye, it is. Follow me, I want ye to try it on.” He led me over to a mannequin with a tarp over it, which he tossed to the side in a dramatic fashion. I couldn’t help but whistle.

“Well, ye gonna try it on, or ‘r ye tryin’ ta attract songbirds?” I rolled my eyes at him.

I first put on the pants, which were black and had a hole in the back for my tail. Then came the coat, which had long sleeves that covered my arms completely. Then I put the gloves and boots on, and used several straps to tighten the pants and coat around my boots and gloves- providing good protection from the poisonous gas. Finally- covering my wings and tail were large, relatively tight fitting bags that made flying impossible- but they were easy enough to remove with little assistance. Completing the look was an open- faced balaclava.

Of course, this was only the inner layer. But before I put the plate armor on, I was doing some quick experiments with the gloves, to determine whether they affected my dexterity or not. I grabbed a gun- still at half cock- and fondled the triggers, then mimicked the motions of reloading. While it was a little awkward, it did work remarkably well. Although at some point- I was gonna have to forge myself some wider trigger guards.

Next up was the steel peytral- it wasn’t as thick as your typical soldiers, but since the gas would incapacitate most of our enemies long before they saw us, that was all a matter of frugality. The peytral covered my front, upper back, and sides- and attached to a separate piece which covered my flanks. They were all tightened using a ratcheting mechanism- which I found to be a bit questionable.

“Why not use a more traditional cam-buckle system, or a simple notched belt system?” I asked him as he tightened my armor.

“Stability and fitting. Cam buckles’ll come loose over time with enough force applied- an’ using belt loops limits the range you can tighten the armor, meaning I’d have to smith more variations. A ratchet solves both issues.” I smirked and nodded.

“Good call, then.” I threw my baldric holsters overtop the breastplate- they were a bit tight, but still fit well enough.

Next up was a cloak- and this one was a bright, xanthous yellow. It flowed loosely down my back, and stitched inside the cloak were my pre-rolled cartridges, all greased up and ready to go. And of course, underneath the cloak I could fit my bags and supplies, including molotovs and dynamite.

“What’s with the color?” I asked,

“Visibility. It’s gonna be dark in those caves- and tha gas isn’t gonna help matters. Ye all are gonna have diff’rent colors to help with identifyin’ each other.” I simply nodded in response.

And the last bit of the uniform- the mask and helmet. The mask looked like a German lederschutzmaske- per my original schematics. Even down to the metallic “spider” in the eye ports. The helmet also looked like a German stahlhelm- thankfully, with no buttplug, either.

Overall, I was quite happy with how it turned out. It was protective and unsettling- which was perfect! Of course, the recruits' uniforms are gonna be a little different- Personally, I decided to forgo the blunderbuss entirely, in favor of my pistols- so rather than pre-rolls, the inside of their cloaks were gonna be full of powder and shot for reloading the blunderbuss.

And actually, the way I had it figured out was I was gonna give them the choice between two flintlock pistols or the blunderbuss. After all- due to the close quarters nature, both would be quite practical, just in different ways. The blunderbuss would function as a primary weapon, and the pistols would mainly be secondary to melee weaponry.

“Well, Andre, you’ve outdone yourself.” He just giggled in response.

“Ah, well, I ain’t gonna be doin’ it all alone. Your friend, Ulysses, told me he’s gotten 47 recruits in total.” I nodded in satisfaction. I started taking the armor off and replaced it with my normal clothes.

“You gonna have some guys take all this up to my room?” I asked him, and he nodded. I smiled, saying “Well, then we have no further business today. Keep up the great work.” I said, making my leave.

The rest of the day was pretty easygoing. I was just going around town, seeing what changed so far. Already, new life was being breathed into the city- businesses were reopening, parents watched their children playing in the park, the breadlines grew shorter and shorter by the day. It’s wild to think that none of this would’ve been possible without my wife and I essentially robbing Equestria blind.

Heh.

And you know the crazy part is the majority of people don’t even know how important we were in this endeavor. Thanks to efforts by the king’s men, a lot of news from Equestria has been getting… filtered before it gets printed here. The public enemy thing still made it through- but many assume that I’m working for the king on their side- which I am.

And you wanna know the craziest shit? Somehow, somehow, someone managed to convince that guard I shot that it was for the greater good. I don't know how the captain pulled that off, but it made my job a bit easier. I think he managed to shift the blame to the king- which is even better. Either way, the King had a gaslighting pro on his hands and I needed to find out who.

But anyways, it was nice, really. I spent a while just chilling on a park bench, thinking of the good old days- before everything went to shit.

Although the more that I think about it… I’m glad everything fell apart, in a way. Yeah, the journey sucked, and it wasn’t easy, fuckin’ far from it… but, shit. Not only did it sort of give me my life’s purpose and a goal to work towards; it also led to me meeting the love of my life. It’s a bittersweet feeling, mixed with a heavy spoonful of nostalgia and a sprinkle of what if’s.

I’m glad things have been working out so far.

---

Later that evening at the castle, we all sat down for dinner in the massive banquet hall. The king and his heirs were all there along with the most important members of his staff.

They were actually quite accommodating for my wife- since she was a pony and couldn’t really digest meat all that well, she had a vegetarian plate of pasta and an herby sauce- while the rest of us had the same pasta, but with a meat based sauce.

And of course, that night in the bedroom, we took plenty of time to relax. I was gently massaging her back as she told me about her day, and I told her about mine.

“That armor sounds kinda stuffy.” She said, and I just giggled.

“Yeah, but it’s better than the alternative.” I said, leaning forward and nibbling her ear.

“Hmmm… What’re you doing?” She asked, giving me a sultry grin.

“Getting my dessert ready, of course.”

“Mmmm… feel free to dig in whenever you like, honey.” she said, then after a few seconds she added, “I wish you had ears so I can nibble them…” I couldn’t help but chuckle.

“I mean, I technically do have ears- they’re just internal.” You know- like a bird.

“Doesn’t do me any good.” And of course, I just had to make up for those shortcomings.

I think we were up until two AM- so I’m pretty sure the mission was successful.

Little did I know how much I would come to regret that.

---

At about five in the fuck you AM, a guard entered our room…

Blowing a fucking bugle and turning the lights on.

“AH WHAT THE FUCK!” I screamed, rolling out of bed and grabbing the pistol I kept on my nightstand. My wife did much the same, as I trained her to do- rolling off the bed and lowering her head. I peeked up over the mattress and saw the guard standing there with a stony expression, next to a hen in a maids outfit. “Oh for the love of… give me one good reason not to blow your heads off?” I asked, my eyes half crusted over. My wife didn’t fare much better, barely looking alive herself.

The maid approached her sympathetically. “Sorry about this, darling. It’s just a formality, you understand.” She grabbed her hoof and helped her off the floor. “Get yourself ready. We have a long day ahead of us.”

My wife just looked at her, then looked back at me. Quietly, she leaned and kissed me on the cheek. “Good luck.”

“Where’s my apology?” I asked the guard, and he just laughed.

“Follow me. This is cutting into your breakfast time, I hope you understand.” My eyes shot open in realization. Not one to miss breakfast, I asked him to lead the way. “You may want to use the restroom first. You won’t have time later.” I nodded slowly in a daze and went off to do my business.

Something told me that this was gonna suck.

I started chuffing back my morning smokes as I was led out of the castle and to the courtyard training grounds, which had its own meal tent. Apparently, this is where I would be eating for the foreseeable future. There looked to be about 47 of us in total- so I assumed these were my shock troops.

“Grab a tray and take your seat. The Sarge will be here in fifteen minutes.” I nodded, doing as I was told. Breakfast was simple- a bowl of plain porridge and scrambled eggs with a bit of ketchup, along with a mug of coffee. I took a sip and grimaced… slight correction. Shitty coffee.

I surveyed the crowd, and noticed some familiar faces- at least seven or so of them were my Royal Guard from Manehattan. And of course, Ulysses was there- keeping an eye on us all while we ate, all while he drank his breakfast of a few gulps of rye whiskey. Of course, he was still wearing his bearskin coat, flat topped hat, and bandanna.

Then across the room, I noticed something I’ve never seen before- a zebragriff! Which was a sort of hippogriff- but half zebra! Basically, a hippogriff is what happens when a griffon and a pony get it on. The resulting offspring is typically sterile, as a side note. Rather than feathers, hippogriffs are covered in fur, have external ears, and have a longer than usual beak. This one was mostly white with light brown stripes and a black beak. So that was neat.

“First day, too?” The hen sitting next to me asked as I inhaled my breakfast. I took a deep breath and nodded. I looked over and noticed- she had a tired look in her eyes and looked quite similar to the hen next to her.

“Name’s Jos. This’s my twin sister, Fin.” her sister turned to me with a smile, and I smirked.

“Nice meetin’ you two. Name’s Leona.” I said, and we shook hands.

“Saw you was eyein’ up Sinan over there. Don’t see too many zebragriff’s, eh?” She asked, and I nodded. “He’s a nice fella. Fin and I was talkin’ to him earlier, an’ he seems passionate to the cause.” I smiled in satisfaction.

“That’s good. I gotta ask though- what brings you two all the way down here? Am I wrong to assume you’re not from around here?” I could tell by her accent that they were likely from somewhere from Nalot.

“For starters... We used to be bounty hunters- but we heard about this whole thing here, we just had to join. Although, you’d be wrong to assume we ain’t local- we was born here, but eventually ran up north.” She said, her face gaining a saddened look to it. “Our Mamma died a long time ago because she couldn’t afford her meds… promised she’d come back for us, but well…”

I quickly put a sympathetic hand on her shoulder. “Hey, you don’t gotta keep going with that. Shit's fucked regardless.” She gave me a warm smile and nodded. “And hey- you were bounty hunters too?” her eyes widened in surprise.

“Always good to meet a fellow tradeshen.” She said with a giggle. I’d just realized- Fin hasn’t said a single word yet. I guess she doesn’t talk much. “What weapons you prefer?” She asked, and I said-

“Pistols, mainly. You know, seeing as I built them myself.” Her eyes widened as she and her sister gasped- but before they could say anything, Ulysses made his presence known to the room.

“ALRIGHT, MAGGOTS!” He yelled at the top of his lungs, his gruff voice grabbing all the eyes in the room. “For the next three months, you will refer to me as Sir. Understood?” I huffed in indignation… then he glared daggers at me, and I’ll be honest- it kinda freaked me out. I decided I’d talk to him about his… insubordination in private later.

After a few moments of silence, he yelled out- “I’M SORRY, I MUST BE GOING DEAF. I DIDN’T HEAR A SIR, YES SIR!”

“SIR YES SIR” The entire room yelled in response.

“LOUDER!”

“SIR YES SIR!” I could tell Ulysses had a shit eating grin under his bandanna.

“That’s more like it.” he said as he paced around the room. “For the next three months, you will be put through the most brutal training that I am legally allowed to put you through. But if you survive, you will all come out as the meanest, toughest sons of bitches this side of the Confederacy.

“But until then, you will only speak when spoken to. Every day, you will be run ragged until you collapse from exhaustion. You will endure pain and humiliation like you’ve never experienced it before. Your endurance will be tested. Your strength will be tested. Your willpower will be tested. It will be difficult… but I selected you all for a reason.

“That reason being that I saw a fire in your eyes. A burning need for revenge, a constant reminder of what you lost because the mutts took it from you.” Everyone was looking around the room smugly, and I instantly saw what Ulysses was talking about.

“You are not mere soldiers. You’ll be heroes- your country will thank you. The Confederacy will thank you. Your family and friends will thank you. Even if you die, you will live on forever in the history books as a part of something greater than yourselves.” He lowered his bandanna and revealed a smug grin. “Just this once, go ahead. Let it out now.”

The entire room erupted into cheers! Fists were waved in the air, tables were shifted as people got up, almost everyone was clapping… they were fuckin HYPED! And of course, I had to join them. It felt reassuring to know that there were people as passionate as me here. In fact, I’m willing to bet that’s why he told us to let it out- to quell any lingering doubts among us. Clever.

“ALRIGHT, THAT’S ENOUGH!” He yelled out, and the room fell back to silence. “So, here’s what’s gonna happen- you will all be divided into teams of six, equaling eight teams in total. Each team will have a color it corresponds with- and this color will be the cloak you wear over top your armor.”

And so, he started announcing the teams. There was the pink team, red, blue, orange, violet, green, white, and Xanthous team. That was the team I was on. Okay, it’s actually yellow team… but I like Xanthous more.

On my team I had Jos, Fin, and Sinan- the zebragriff. On top of them, there were two others- A griffon named Rosco, some hick who used to be a sheriff to his community, and Sir Adrian- a nobleman from Northumbria. Adrian was a bit older than the rest of us- but not by much.

“ALRIGHT, MAGGOTS! WE’RE GONNA BE DOING LAPS AROUND THE CITY! GROUP UP!” We all sounded off with a Sir, yes sir and a salute.

---

We basically exercised all day long- pushups, pullups, laps around the city, lifting, etc. Basic stuff for basic training. It was around six pm, and let me tell you- I was fuckin’ whooped. At the mess hall, we wordlessly grabbed our dinners of spaghetti and meatballs.

“So… how’re the rest of you holding up?” I asked as I popped a tylenol.

“Could be better.” Sinan said with a giggle.

“Ya’ can say that ag’in, stripes.” Rosco spoke up. Adrian and the twins simply nodded.

“I’ll be honest, I didn’t realize Ulysses was such a hardass. Guess that’s why I hired him in the first place.” I heard a fork drop and I realized- oh right, that was kinda supposed to be a secret.

“Wait, Leona… you said you invented guns earlier, you apparently have the drill sergeant on your payroll… spill it! What’s going on here?” Jos asked with a wide grin, and Fin just nodded.

“I think I know the answer, actually.” Adrian said, and I cocked an eyebrow. “That whole meeting that King Grover had with Princess Twilight… you had something to do with that. Am I wrong?” He gave me a smug smile and I sighed.

“Fuckin’ spot on. The long story short is a lot of this operation was funded solely by my wife and I. I may have done some… less than legitimate things to acquire said funds. That’s why I’m now Ulysses’ bitch, apparently.” Rosco snorted at me.

“Ah, yer a crook is what yer sayin’?” I couldn’t help but laugh.

“Eh, I prefer to call myself a shyster.” I looked around the room to make sure no one was obviously listening in. “Try and keep this on the down low, if you would. And besides- would you rather this country decline even further than it already did? Featherworth is finally on an economic upturn thanks to my efforts. Not only that, but this war effort relies on inventions I created myself.” Rosco still had a frown on his face- but eventually he glanced off to the side.

“Ah suppose… Ah-hyuck!” He said, punctuating his sentence with an odd chuckle that made me laugh.

“But enough about me. Tell me about yourselves.” I said, leaning against the table. I pointed to Sinan first.

“Well, I’m a zebragriff, if you hadn’t noticed.” He spoke up with a warm smile. “My father is from the Zebrican archipelago, my mother is a griffon from a village north of here. My reasons for joining up are my own- but probably very similar to many others.” There was a hint of bitterness in his voice.

“I say we skip the reasoning, then.” Adrian spoke up this time. “Let’s boil it down to we all want what’s best for our nation.” He looked at Sinan with a smile, “What kind of things interest you?”

Sinan just shrugged. “Well, I love sword fighting. I also practice a little bit of alchemy and write amateur poetry. I play guitar. I like to read. Suffice to say, I’m quite boring.” He said with an almost apologetic smile. Rosco just slapped him on the back.

“Ah, that ain’t nothin’ ta be ashamed of!” He said, and we nodded at him to continue. “Well, Ah myself’ve always been interested in the law- I’ve dedicated my life to trying to keep tha’ streets safe and such.” He said with a shrug, “Ah’ve come to realize that this crime wave ain’t stoppin’ til we fix tha’ poverty issue.”

To my surprise, Fin spoke up next. “If you want peace, prepare for war.”

“Something we can all get behind.” I said with a smile. Glad to know Fin wasn’t mute.

“Here here.” Adrian said with a smile. “As for myself, I enjoy the thrill of a good fight. I graduated top of my class and am an expert marksman with a crossbow, and a pretty good duelist with a sword. I also like to read and studied law.” We all nodded.

Jos spoke up. “My sis and I were bounty hunters. Long time ago when we ran away, a man took us in and taught us a bit about smithing before he croaked. We forged all our own weapons, actually.” She said with a smug grin, and I held a hand up.

“Fuckin same!” We high-fived, “Well, I used to do bounty hunting and smithing before life got busy for me. I was Manehattan’s biggest supplier of booze, among other things. My favorite thing to do is my wife.” I said, and the entire table burst into laughter. After the laughter slowed, Rosco spoke up-

“Ya know, in a diff’rent life, you and Ah would’ve been enemies. Ah-hyuck!” He said with that same stupid chuckle. I smirked and said in a joking tone,

“Whoo-wee! Them Grimfeather's is at it ag’een!” Everyone laughed again- but I don’t think they fully understood the joke. I was about to speak up again- but sadly, our meet and greet was cut short.

“ALRIGHT, MAGGOTS! TIME FOR MORE LAPS!”

“Sir, yes sir!”

Fuck.

---

Later that night, we all parted ways until the morning. I didn’t even have the energy to call Ulysses a prick. I didn’t even have the energy to fly to my balcony, so I had to walk.

Everything hurt and life is pain. When I finally made it to the room, I didn’t even acknowledge my wife, who was writing in her diary. I went straight to the shower and set the temperature to boiling, letting the hot water wash away the day's sweat, dirt, and pain.

Once I got out of the shower, Dee asked me, “Honey, are you alright?” I kept walking towards the bed and jumped on, landing face first into the pillow.

“Nuh.” I heard her diary close and she took her place next to me, gently massaging my back and wings. I felt her getting close to my neck.

“Would it help if I-”

“Nuh. Tired.” I flopped onto my side. “Can I be the little spoon tonight?” I asked, and she giggled.

“Of course, darling.” She kissed me on the cheek and wrapped her hooves around me. I sighed in delight, feeling her heartbeat against my back.

“Thank.” Christ, I could barely speak. Hopefully I’ll get a good night's sleep tonight and actually be able to talk to her tomorrow night.

Still- could be worse. At least I made some friends.

Stormtroopers

View Online

You know, at one point I thought that working retail was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But then again- I’ve busted my ass plenty of times, whether in this life or the last. For this life, the first thing that comes to mind is that time I was forced into indentured apple farming. In my past life, I was constantly going above and beyond just to prove my worth. I was running circles around those other clowns sometimes.

But the point I’m trying to make is… I don’t remember. Bottom line is that military training is on an entirely different level to all those things. Now I know why so many of these guys dodged the draft for ‘Nam. You know the crazy thing? If it weren’t for Nam sending some of the best blood across the sea, there wouldn’t have been a shortage of good associates in the mob. Tangent, sorry.

Anyways- the training regiment was gonna be broken up into three parts, one for each month. Late March is when we’re planning to strike. The idea is that the weather will be the most ideal by then- not too hot, but not too cold. December will be dedicated to pure endurance training. After the first week, all our armor will be completed so we’ll be doing the bulk of it in our armor.

There would also be a lot of situational training in that time. Nearby cave systems were flooded with gas, and we would swordfight in them to simulate the low visibility. Let me tell you- masks fucking suck. They make it much harder to breathe, since you’re straining against the filter. They limit your visibility by a lot, too. But they’ll protect you- that’s all that matters. And of course, the gas was kept as somewhat of a secret. I know we all understood the importance of it not reaching enemy hands.

Speaking of that first month- I had an odd conversation with my wife around that time.

---

I’d been dead tired, as I often was… although, not as bad as I normally would be. Guess the endurance training was working. After a long, hot shower, I went up to the desk where my wife was writing in her diary and began massaging her shoulders from behind.

“How was your day, baby?” I asked her, and she giggled.

“Oh, nothing out of the ordinary, really. Just the usual stuff- helping make sure the castle doesn’t fall apart while cleaning every now and then. Not much different from what I was doing in Manehattan.” She said, and I smiled.

“Glad to know you’re still doing good.” I said as she moved to get up. I joined her on the bed, wrapping my arms around her and pulling her into my chest fluff. Her breathing tickled a little bit- but I could live with that.

“I love you so much…” She mumbled, and I smiled.

“I love you too, sweetie.” I’d already started closing my eyes, and was about to pass out when she asked, out of the blue-

“Have you ever wondered what it’d be like to have foals of our own?” it was so out of left field that my eyes shot open.

“Where the hell did that come from?” Her body shifted a little bit, which I interpreted as a shrug.

“Well, one of the maids had a baby recently, and… and she seemed so… happy?” After a few seconds of silence, she continued, “She’s always talking about how she means the world to her, and how she’s never felt happier… Leona, would I be a good mother?”

“Absolutely, you would.” I replied without skipping a beat.

“Better than my mother was?”

“That’s not a very high bar to leap over, but yes. By a mile.” I closed my eyes in an attempt to sleep again, when she said-

“You’d be a good mother, too.” I smiled wide. While I could never imagine myself having a kid, it felt… nice to hear that, I guess. I imagined all the good times I had growing up with Mamma, and couldn’t help but picture myself in her place.

“Maybe someday, we can have a surrogate. Maybe.” I was positive she was smiling.

“That’d be lovely. I bet your Mamma would be happy to have a granddaughter or grandson.” I couldn’t help but snort.

“Oh god, don’t let her near the kid. She’ll spoil them rotten, we’d never stand a chance.” I said with a chuckle. I could still remember being born- I remember how choked up Mamma was getting, how proud she looked.

Then I glanced towards the clock and sighed. “Until then, let's try and get some sleep.” I said, and was answered by a faint snoring. I smiled and nuzzled her forehead before trying to get some sleep on my own.

Not too long after, I realized why we were getting so emotional- we were both about to go into heat. Still though, the conversation stuck with me more than it should’ve, I feel. Who knows- maybe someday I’ll need an heir? It’s just… the more I think about it, the more appealing motherhood seems to me.

Whatever.

---

Anyways, the second month would be dedicated to sword and armor training. So as it turns out- armor isn’t as simple as you’d expect. There’s a certain skill to rolling with strikes to avoid damage to yourself or your armor. You know- laws of physics and all that. I was already decent with a sword, but I’d gotten a bit rusty since I stopped those classes. That, and I rarely ever rely on my cutlass that much. Why would I when I have eight bullets to work with?

---

I was partnered up with Sinan that first week.

Clang! Clang! Clang! Thunk! “OW!” I yelled, my side getting whacked by Sinan's sword. It struck right at the edge of the plate and stung like hell.

Correction. I was getting my ass handed to me by Sinan that first week.

“You fight like a dairy farmer.” He said, and I cocked an eyebrow in confusion.

“A bit crude for a poet.” We were both wearing our armor, but the gas mask had the filter unscrewed. Since many of us were still learning the basics, Ulysses was kind enough to grant us this one boon. Our voices were a little muffled, but we could still communicate easily. At some point, I need to see if a radio can be incorporated into this mask.

Sinan just chuckled. We’d been at this for hours at this point.

“ALRIGHT MAGGOTS! TAKE TEN!” I breathed a sigh of relief, pulling my mask off and lighting a cigarette.

Sinan and I found a building to rest against, where he asked me to bum a light.

“Smoke ‘em if you got ‘em.” I said, and he nodded. We were taking heavy gulps from water canteens, just letting our heart rates slow. You know, one of the things I was most worried about when it came to this armor is what happens when you have to pee? Turns out, you just sweat it out instead.

After a few moments of silence, he finally spoke up.

“Your sword. Mind if I saw it?” He asked, and I just shrugged. I forked my sword over and noted an odd look in his eyes. He handled it delicately, as if it were a small child. He turned it around and raised it, the sunlight glinting off the old blade, revealing old nicks and cuts caused by regular use. Despite its age, it was in quite good condition.

He then nodded to himself, apparently satisfied. “You should be proud of such a fine weapon.”

“Well to me, it’s just a longer knife I use when I run out of ammo.” I shrugged as I holstered it. “I named it Cthulhu, though.” He nodded,

“Tell me- who smithed it?” He asked, and once again, I shrugged.

“Don’t rightly know. It was made in a factory- with hundreds of others like it. I bought it at an old navy surplus store.” After a few seconds, his face grew into a grin.

“So you’ve named your sword, yet you have little skill for it?” I shrugged once again.

“Give me a pistol and I’ll shoot the balls off a fly, blindfolded and drunk out of my mind.” And call me a coward- but I was perfectly fine with picking people off from beyond sword range, thank you very much.

“What I mean to say is that you must respect your weapon, Cthulhu. It wants to hunt. It wants to kill. Why would you deny it its purpose?” I just snorted.

“Then who’s gonna feed my pistols?”

“You. From what I’ve heard from you, they’ve seen much bloodshed, no? Cthulhu dreams of the day in which she may rise up and taste the blood.” I just blinked. That was a little freaky. I looked over and saw he was using the butt of a cigarette to light up another.

“That’s neat to think about and all, but… I just don’t think I get it. That’s like saying a grill yearns to cook a steak.”

“Would a grill save your life in battle?” I put a hand to my beak in thought.

“Suppose it wouldn’t.”

The rest of the break was spent in silent contemplation.

I’ll be honest- I’m still not sure I understand it.

---

Another noteworthy thing happening in December was the Blue Moon Festival. I never brought it up in my journal before because quite frankly, it’s basically just Christmas but for griffons. But the only reason I bring it up now is because this one was, in my opinion, more noteworthy.

I’d decided to essentially rent out an entire restaurant for the Xanthous team and told them they could invite whoever. Sadly, though, Mamma wouldn't be attending.

That night, it was almost time to start, and we were waiting on Rosco- so I was standing out front having a cigarette. I saw him turn the corner with his family and smiled.

“Thought you got lost.” I said, pulling him in for a quick hug. He was wearing his sheriff’s getup, with a blue uniform and a black cowboy hat- I was just wearing my normal garb.

“Train was runnin’ a bit late, sorry about that.” He had his wife and young boy with him- the kid couldn’t have been more than five. “This lovely lady here is my wife, Sophia.” He then turned to his kid with a warm smile. “This here lil’ varmint is Clyde.”

Clyde looked at me with a wide grin and held his little hand out. “Howdy, ma’am!” He said, and I shook hands with him. “Nice to meet ya!” He said, and his mother giggled.

“Nice to meet ya, Clyde! Your daddy’s said lots of good things about you!” The kid beamed with pride, and kinda reminded me of his father.

He kissed his wife on the cheek. “Why don’t you two make yourselves comfortable? Daddy’s gonna have a quick smoke before dinner.” He said, and I wordlessly whipped out my lighter. Once we were both alone outside, I couldn’t help but laugh.

“He’s a good kid.” I said as I lit up another smoke. “You oughta be proud.”

“Ain’t gotta tell me twice.” He said with a smile. “He’s the best thing to happen in my life and in fact, he’s a large part of the reason why I signed up for all this.” He took a contemplative drag from his cigarette, saying “I just wanna make sure the world's safe for him, you know?”

I nodded in response, and he continued- “It’s a messed up world when there’re kids out there who gotta steal to survive. How can you even call a place like that civilized?” I couldn’t help but snort.

“I was one of those kids, once. And I’m sure the twins were, too. You think less of us for it?” I felt a little offended, not even gonna lie. He quickly backpedaled-

“No, no, that’s not what I mean. And besides. Do you think I wasn’t one of those kids?” He asked, and my eyes widened.

“Sounds like you’ve got a story to tell.” I said with a smirk, and he shrugged.

“Not really. I just got thrown in jail one day and decided to change myself a bit. Went back and finished school, studied law, met my wife and joined the guard. Eventually, I got voted in as the sheriff.” He tossed away the cigarette butt and lit another one.

I sighed. “You’re a good man, Rosco. Don’t ever let that change. Normally, I can’t stand the type of people who wanna be cops.” I muttered, and he laughed that same stupid chuckle.

“Oh, Kee kee kee! That’s because most of ‘em were jocks who peaked in high school. They think that since they have a truncheon now, they’re all that and a bag a’ chips!”

I let out a hearty laugh. “Ah, true that! How do you think I took over Equestria’s criminal underworld? Cops are either easy to bribe or just straight up dumb as hell. In fact, that’s part of why crime flourishes in disadvantaged communities- because the police have shit funding, they’re even cheaper to get on your payroll.” The cycle of poverty is a ride in which I am quite familiar with. I looked over, and Rosco grimaced.

“Can we… change the subject? Thinking about the state of the world is not what I wanna do right now.” Understandable.

“Well, shit. Might as well go inside after these ones.” I gestured to our smokes and he nodded.

Overall, the turnout was quite decent. I had my wife of course, and Rosco had his family. Adrian brought his parents along, and Sinan brought his father. The twins just showed up by themselves. Of course, Sinan’s dad got a bit of extra attention, but it was hardly my first time seeing a zebra. After all- I used to buy weed off of one back in Ponyville.

The dinner went quite well; especially for Dee, who made fast friends with Sophia. Although strangely enough, I noticed they were talking about motherhood a lot.

Strange.

---

The third month would be dedicated partially to firearms training, and partially to survival. I questioned Ulysses decision to make firearms training such a minor part of this whole ordeal, but he did raise a good point.

The gist of it is that we would all be fighting some serious CQB- where accuracy at range isn’t as important. Not to mention, many combatants would be essentially incapacitated by the gas.

It was quite fascinating, seeing many of the people's reactions to gunfire. You know, I was shooting guns as a human when some of these fucks were still just an itch in their daddy’s balls. And because of the aforementioned skill, I was going to be helping Ulysses with the training.

So far, I’d been quite happy with my team's progress. The way we had it figured out is that since Sinan, Adrian, and Fin were the best with melee, they’d be armed with a blunderbuss each- as a secondary backup weapon. Rosco, Jos, and I would each have four pistols- though, theirs would be the standard issue model, rather than my double barrel designs.

Speaking of the blunderbuss, we’ve found a way to further optimize reloading. Rather than a bag, the powder charge was held in a small plastic cylinder, kind of like the kind you get M&M’s in. That cylinder was wrapped in oiled cloth, which functioned like a wad. The balls would be kept in a similar cylinder also wrapped in paper. Each shotgunner would have two bandoliers, one for powder and one for ball.

The blunderbuss itself, however, is pretty bog-standard. It had a 14 inch cast-brass barrel and no stock, to the horror of the ATF agent reading this. I was alright with that, though- after all, I never really was a dog person. Anyways, due to the flared muzzle, aiming was an issue; so the doctrine was that you’d point at something's center of mass then fire. You could easily clap one or two enemies with a single shot.

We were all essentially in a firing line practicing reloading and shooting drills for the first day.

Another thing that occurred to me was how used to the smell of gunpowder and the loud noise I was. Gunpowder does not smell good- it’s very pungent and smells like straight sulfur. As Rosco so elegantly put it;

“Whoo-wee! Stanks like my livin’ room on chili night!” I just snorted.

“Oh, please. It can’t be worse than the time I ate a bunch of this weird, fancy cheese at the gala.” I said, cringing. “Ugh… I thought my wife was gonna strangle me that night, and not in the fun way, either.” Sinan snorted and chuckled.

“Gods above help us if I’m ever forced to drink milk.” He said, pulling out a cigarette and lighting it. We all shared a good laugh, but apparently, Adrian wasn’t very amused. He spoke up, blushing lightly.

“Any way we can discuss something other than our habitual flatulence?” Even Fin spoke up, quietly muttering ‘I agree.’

I swear, we were a few Crayola’s and a tub of Elmer’s short of being Marines.

“How ‘bout the fact that my ears are ringin’?” Jos spoke up, using a finger to try and clean some imaginary wax out.

“You’ll get used to it. A lot of the time, I don’t even notice the tinnitus until someone speaks to me.” I spoke up, and for some reason, Jos didn’t seem very comforted from it. Thankfully, though, our masks and gear did help with muffling the concussive power of gunfire.

---

Of course, survival training was… new. We learned all sorts of essential things, such as; How the heck do you eat hardtack?

We were all in little “camps” set up outside the city wall- since the march was so soon, we had to get ready to travel. In a medium-sized barrel next to our campfire were our daily provisions- which included coffee, salted meat, some kind of grain or vegetable, pepper, cigarettes (which is arguably part of the most important food group) and…

“The fuck is this?” It was some kind of dry, dense cracker, called hardtack. I grabbed mine and clacked them together, to no avail. Then I attempted to bite into it, but it just made a clacking sound against my beak. Ulysses, who was probably laughing at our bewilderment, spoke up-

“I wouldn’t do that, if I were you. That’s how I lost my beak.” He looked at us with a wide grin, and I couldn’t help but laugh. Shit, that might be the first time I’ve ever heard Ulysses crack a joke. “I will give you a hint, though- put it in a bag and break it down.”

So, I did just that. I grabbed a cloth bag and used the iron-reinforced butt of my pistol as a makeshift hammer. I just decided to break three up for now, then dumped the small chunks into a pot. I added water from my canteen and let the hardtack soak up the water.

“Ugh, why can’t we just have canned food?” Adrian winced, his high-class taste buds not used to such basic food. He was in charge of making the coffee.

“Money and weight. A wagon full of these provisions will be lighter and cheaper than a cart full of canned foods.” Sinan spoke up, and he was absolutely right.

“No one said we’d be eating five star meals as soldiers.” I said as I mixed around the hardtack crumbles, which thankfully had absorbed most of the water. Then I grabbed some salt pork out of our provision barrel, sliced off some fat and let it heat up in a frying pan over the fire. Apparently, that barrel would last us about three days each.

Once the pan was nice and hot, I added the hardtack mush and began stirring it around with a wooden spoon. I added a small pinch of salt and a good amount of pepper and let it brown.

“Well… it looks edible.” I said dubiously. I grabbed a spoonful and tried it- and was overcome with mediocrity. “It’s okay.” I said with a shrug, and everyone else on my team followed suit to try making it for themselves.

“We’re gonna have to get creative, though. I ain’t sure how I feel about eatin’ this stuff everyday.” Jos spoke up, and I agreed wholeheartedly.

“I might try and convince the king to allow a sort of ‘treat ration’ just to cut into the monotony. I’m thinking canned food and cured meats once or twice a week.” I know for a fact that there was a booze ration we’d be bringing- but that was for special occasions, mainly. “But you’re absolutely right- we’re gonna have to get creative regardless. I’m sure someone wrote a book on this stuff- I’ll have to look into it sometime.” Surely, someone’s encountered the same woes as us.

The rest of that day was spent doing normal training- lots of marching, practice setting up camps, medical training, etcetera. Due to the nature of our role, we couldn’t really bring a medic down- so we had to make do. It was gonna be dangerous- but we were almost prepared.

---

Today was the last day of training before the campaign started. We would be given a week off to party, say goodbye to our families, what have you- but of course, it’s never easy.

I still had work to do after all. But until then, I was gonna spend some quality time with my wife. She’s been quite excited for me- after all, I would soon be completing a goal I set for myself a long, long time ago. She was also happy because all my hard work and training has led to some unexpected side effects.

“Oh my Celestia!” She exclaimed as she hugged me from behind. “Your flanks! Look at how toned they are!” I looked back and realized holy fuck, she’s right!

So I had that going for me. There were also some final preparations I had to arrange with the king before we got this campaign started.

Everything was coming together smoothly, and I felt pretty confident that we could win this.

Bella Ciao

View Online

Today, I was being led deep into the castle- to the dungeon. I know what you’re thinking- but no, I’m not in trouble for once. No, the reason I was being led underground is to perform some interrogations. You know- with my tongue… God, that sounds so fuckin’ dirty.

But then again- I’d also be celebrating my wifes (early) birthday either today or tomorrow since I’d be on the march by the time that rolls around… so I came up with something special for her; to let her indulge her fantasies before I left.

The dungeon itself looked… very typical. It was a long hallway lined with cells and a torture chamber at the end. Towards the end in some of the cells were Diamond Dogs- which belonged to a clan of warrens to the Northwest, in Nalot. They were the closest clan to us, which is why they were chosen as the lucky bastards.

I don’t think I’ve ever bothered to explain how the Dog clan system works- Basically, you have a central mine city led by an alpha, which functions sort of like a king in that he and his soldiers are to provide protection and military aid to nearby settlements, villages, what have you. The only difference is there is a more personal aspect to it- the dogs are quite loyal to their alphas, with local village chiefs taking on the Alpha’s name. It’s like any other kingdom- but with a more familial aspect to it.

Say what you will about these creatures- they’re loyal to their masters.

The dogs we’ve captured are part of the MacDoggal clan- and by sheer coincidence, they were the perfect representation of the whole clan thing- they were a bunch of tartan wearing terriers that practically screamed Scotland. It wouldn’t surprise me to find out that they played the bagpipes, wielded big swords, and were experts in all things demolition related.

“So, where’d we find this bunch?” I asked the warden, and he chuckled.

“Pirates. Captured their ship around the east coast about a month ago. Nasty bunch, these ones were- killed a few of our own when we tried to stop ‘em. They even had women aboard the ship- and not willingly, either.” I simply nodded in response.

“Well, strap one down, then. Let’s get this started.” The man just pointed towards the chamber. Apparently, they were ahead of the game. Centered directly against the back middle wall was one of those torture racks- one which had a ratcheting wheel on one end which could be tightened. It was even attached to a cradle allowing you to more easily move it around and reorientate it. Hell- I spent a few minutes just testing this out. You could wheel them around, re-angle them, spin them, what have you.

The dog was glaring at me with his teeth bared, his shaggy fur almost covering his eyes. I decided to speak up first.

“Alright, let’s get this over with.” Was all I said with a smug grin.

“I’ll not tell ye a bleedin’ thing.” He drawled out, a faint growl in his voice.

“I don’t need you to talk.” SWISH! His eyes shot open in fear and he didn’t even have time to scream.

Sometimes, I feel like I’m getting way too comfortable with this parasite thing. It is extremely useful- the ability to instantly share any memory you have with someone, crystal as day, is invaluable… but something just feels off about it. Oh well.

I spent a while rooting around his skull for answers- Mainly what I was looking for was maps- secret passages, alternate routes, flanks, that sort of stuff. So take our first target, for example; Goldcairn. It’s the site of a relatively recent gold rush, so it is somewhat small and makeshift in nature… and the sole reason the King has a vendetta with this clan- after all, it’s encroaching on our territory, violating our NAP.

So while there technically wasn’t any entrances- there were air shafts and tunnels. Basically how these settlements were typically laid out was you had the main entrance- which was often a wide, open entrance- so it would need to be heavily defended. Some cases, there was a castle guarding the main entrance. Then underneath the main entrance you had living areas, and branching from that were various mine paths.

I’m assuming that the living quarters must have a degree of separation from the mines- after all, if someone hits a gas pocket below and it rises up, it could wipe out an entire population. It was just common sense to me. But anyways, where was I-

These branching paths often have an air hole somewhere along the lines. Doesn’t matter if they can eat gems, they still gotta breathe. They were often unmarked and well hidden in the hills, and therefore, relatively unguarded. This is where the shock troops will make their entrance. Flank them and flush them out, and the theory is that the main entrance will become a choke point where they’ll be mowed down by volley fire until they surrender.

After I was done interrogating this guy, I was just meeting the other ones at their cells to cross reference the info to make sure it was all correct. I couldn’t even pay attention to all their shocked expressions and I didn’t care- I just wanted to get this over with. Dee’s surprise could wait until tomorrow.

Shlick! Sluuuurp! I groaned and clutched my skull, and the guard rushed to my aid.

“Ffffuck… help me back to my room, would’ya?” I asked him, leaning into his side for support. “I’ve gotten all’at… all’at… All eh need. Fahkin’ migraine.” I mumbled, barely able to form a coherent sentence. He replied, but I wasn’t listening.

My left foot felt somewhat numb as I walked, and I almost fell on the poor guard on a few occasions. I felt nauseous as a cold sweat dripped down my forehead, my ears rang, and… and…

Weird. When did I get in bed? One second the guard was walking me to my room, and the next I was tucked in with the curtain drawn. My foot had upgraded from feeling numb to feeling like pins and needles. My vision was blurry but at the time, I chalked it up to having apparently just woken up.

Here’s hoping we can just find some paper maps in Goldcairn. God, I do not wanna have to do this after every successful raid. Here’s hoping that transferring the map-memory to the lads won’t grant the same adverse effects.

… Since when did I ever call them the lads?

---

The next morning, I woke up feeling like… not like a million bucks, but at the very least I felt like a crisp twenty dolla’ bill. My eyes slowly fluttered open and I got a faint whiff of my wifes strawberry perfume. It was faint… but it was there.

“Mhmm… morning, baby.” I muttered in her ear and smooched her on the cheek. She awoke with a smile and a faint giggle. Thankfully, since I was on temporary leave, I wasn’t awoken by a bugle today or any day this week; which was nice, since I didn’t want to deal with a murder charge so close to the battle.

She rolled over and we shared a deep, passionate kiss… or the best we could, seeing as I had a beak. Hell, it’s honestly kind of wrong to call it kissing when I’m the one initiating, since it’s more like a peck than a kiss. But I digress.

We showered together as we often did, and I was taking extra care to make sure I looked absolutely perfect. After that was done I had our breakfast brought to us, which I only picked at. Anticipation killed my appetite.

I grabbed a bag of supplies and ushered her down into the dungeon. A grin threatened to tear her face in half when she realized what was about to happen. I gave her a quick peck on the cheek and told her to wait outside the torture chamber while I got ready.

“So…” I said to the prisoner. “I don’t envy you.” I said to him as I wrapped a black blindfold over his face.

“Ye’ve already got’n me dignity and me brain. What more do ye want?” He asked, fear evident in his voice. Since he couldn’t see me anymore, I started getting dressed.

“I want to make my wife happy, among other things.” I said to him, paying no mind as I slid my thigh-highs on.

“I had a wife, you know.” This made me pause for a moment… but the horny took over as I slid my panties on.

“I don’t remember asking.” I said to him. There was a small, plastic bead in the panties which was controlled by a remote- naturally, I’d be handing that off to Dee. I also had a bra on with a window to let my fluff through, a black choker with a collar loop, and long gloves covering my arms.

When I was ready, I cracked my neck and slowly opened the door. She was leaning against the wall, excitedly tapping her hoof when I invited her in.

“Today, Empress, you may do whatever you please with the prisoner. I’m here at your beck and call- just tell me where you want to start.” She was blushing madly, breathing heavily as she bit her hoof to try and contain herself.

I’ll be honest- what followed has got to be the weirdest sex I’ve ever had, ever. Seriously. Consider this a warning.

We good? Just in case, there's gonna be a large gap between this section and the next, if you wanna skip it. I recommend that you don't skip it... but I understand if you do.

---

I can tell that Dee really let loose because she was able to do the one thing she would never do to me; that is, inflict permanent bodily harm. She had me cutting flesh, removing fingers, burning him with gunpowder, genitals were obliterated, back scored with lashmarks, salt and lemon juice, showed him what his guts looked like, all while making sure he stayed alive via adrenaline and pervitin.

In case you didn’t know- pervitin is literal methamphetamine and saw brief popularity a while ago, but was taken off the market rather quickly due to the deleterious effects. At one point I was considering using it for my shock troops, but I feel like getting myself addicted to meth wouldn’t make my wife too happy. Thankfully though, it wasn’t hard to find if you were rich.

All while the prisoner was being brutally tortured, my wife was using the panties to great effect and edging the fuck out of me while she played with herself during bouts of torture. Everytime I inflicted pain upon the prisoner, her masturbation would intensify, the torture chamber full of shouts of pain and moans of pleasure, along with bouts of HARDER! KEEP GOING! SCREAM LOUDER!

This went on for literal hours. By the end my snatch was aching, but holy fuck I felt goooood. I was covered in blood, sweat, and my chin was sopping wet from when I took small breaks to… tend to my wife. Our breathing was intense, I cuddled against her side.

“One more… one more thing I wanted to try.” She gestured towards a coil of rope attached to a winch and hanging from a pulley in the rafters. She then wordlessly pointed to the prisoner, and I knew what she wanted.

I rolled the torture platform to the noose and wrapped it around his neck. His breathing was shallow, his muscles probably burnt out from all the adrenaline and meth in his system. Still though, I decided to be extra careful. Blindfold still on, I tightened the noose and undid the straps that confined him, throwing handcuffs on him. He merely flopped around, the noose dragging him across the floor and hoisting him in the air as I cranked it.

“Take off the blindfold.” My wife commanded, and I did as instructed. “Give him a chair to stand on, for now. I wish to speak to him.” I nodded and again, followed orders. She approached him slowly, and he glared at her with sheer hatred. I continued to crank the winch until he was just barely able to support himself on the chair.

She looked at him with a sort of fire in her eyes. “How does it feel, knowing that your life is held entirely in the hooves of an apparently weak, pathetic pony?” After a few seconds he didn’t respond. “Leona, more gunpowder.”

“Wait.” The dog said, taking heavy breaths. “Don’t… please…” Her face morphed into a sheer, sadistic rictus grin.

“Hmmmm… You're right. Perhaps you’d make for a good fuck-slave, instead!” Aww, but I thought I was your fuck slave! He didn’t respond once again, and my wife sighed in defeat.

“Kick the chair. He’s making me bored.” She said, and with a swift kick and the sound of rope tensing, the dog was left to dangle off the rafters, feet kicking impotently as I helped my wife bring herself to orgasm one last time at the sight.

Once the prisoner was dead and I was hoping my wife was satisfied, we both sat back leaning against the dungeon wall. She was panting heavily, her face completely red from blushing. Her hair was a mess, the fur between her legs was matted down, and she smelled of sex. She slumped her shoulders and leaned into my side, and I put a wing around her and lit up a smoke.

We sat there for what felt like ages until she spoke up.

“Leona, darling… You’d do anything for me, right?” she asked, and I nodded with a smile.

“Of course, baby.” She gave me that sly, adorable grin I loved so much.

“Bring me his head on a silver platter, then.” I blinked in confusion, but eventually shrugged.

“Sure thing.” I said simply, pulling a switch on the winch and causing the corpse to fall like a ragdoll. Against the wall was an assortment of weapons; I grabbed an axe and started hacking away at the neck.

“Be careful! I want the head intact.” She said in an airy, almost dreamlike voice. She had a faint smile on her face- that same, cute little smile that I loved so fuckin’ much. Soon the head was severed, and I grabbed a metal tray that some torture implements are kept on in lieu of the silver platter.

The mouth and chin of the head were absolutely covered in blood, and Dee gave it a strange grin. She took the tray from my grasp, moving it delicately as though the head were still in pain. Its dead eyes stared at her, and she stared back full of… lust, perhaps.

“Ohh, what a wonderful time we’ve had.” She spoke to the head as if it were still alive, and I cocked an eyebrow in confusion. “I think I’ll remember it for the rest of my life. Your mere presence is a gift from the Gods- and for that, I thank you.” I realized- she wasn’t looking at the head in lust. She looked at it with a genuine sense of respect and admiration, as if he himself were born solely for my wife's amusement.

“I have cherished you ever since my wife brought me in your presence. Wherever you are, I hope you find your worth in the land of the dead.” Nothing could have prepared me for what came next.

She brought the head in close and kissed him on his still bloody lips. I was frozen in surprise and my wife giggled, paying me no mind. “Oh my… what a bitter taste. I wonder- is it the taste of blood? Or is it… the taste of love? They say love has a bitter taste… But what of that? What of that?” She said with a laugh, setting the tray to the side and running up to me, pulling me in for a hug.

“What the actual fuck was that?” I asked, my voice being surprisingly neutral. She just shrugged.

“I dunno. I was in a sort of… poetic mood, I guess. Maybe it’s a form of post-nut clarity?” She explained and you know what? Fuckin’ fair enough. I was feeling too good to give a shit at the moment, though.

---

Thankfully, cleanup wasn’t too difficult for us. The servants would handle the bulk of the disposal, but thankfully there was a basic shower down here which Dee and I used to clean the blood out of our fur. The water was ice cold, but this worked out perfect- made the blood easier to wash away.

I bagged all of my gear with the intention of burning it later. I wasn’t about to hand my lingerie off to the castle launders and besides that, I doubted the blood would easily come out. We were a bit of a mess, but because of my intimate knowledge of the castle layout, I knew of a lesser traveled path to take. On a side note- as it turns out, it’s really, really annoying trying to comb flakes of coagulated blood out of fur and feathers. Ask me how I know.

We both took a long, hot shower and for the second time that day, we were both feeling fresh and rejuvenated. Which was a good thing- I’d completely forgotten that we were expecting company today! Since dinner would be soon, a guard knocked on our door just as we got out of the shower.

My smile threatened to burst my face in half once I realized who was with the guard.

“MAMMA!” I yelled, running up to her and wrapping my arms around her.

“How’s my baby been?” She asked before kissing my forehead.

“Working hard, same as always.” I said simply. We all got settled in- oh, Emmie was there as well. Dee greeted him with a quick, friendly hug.

Thankfully, getting Mamma across the sea was no issue- since Fertilia hadn't tried anything yet, borders were still open, even if things were a bit shaky.

I’d reserved a table for us all at a local fancy restaurant- one which Mamma enjoyed back in the day.

“So, how’s the trip down memory lane been?” I asked Mamma, and she shrugged with a grin. The waitress had just brought our drinks and we were just waiting on our food. We were all wearing our fancy clothes, of course, and Emmie even had a fancy eyepatch with a white hem around it.

“The city hasn’t changed much, I’ll give you that. I will admit, though- I feel old with all these young folks out and about.” I giggled in response.

“And what about you, Emmie? How’s the city been treatin’ you?” I asked him,

“With all due respect, it’s a lot better than I was expecting.” He then glanced around and whispered, “Though I hear that has something to do with you?”

“Damn right.” I said, having a bite of bread. “Lemme tell ya’s. I am gonna be savoring dinner tonight because in a couple days, my diet’ll be nothing but salted pork, grain, vegetables, and hardtack.” I said with a shudder.

“What’s hardtack?” Mamma asked, and I suddenly remembered that I was with civilians, basically.

“It’s basically a hard, dry bread specially made for long journeys. When I say hard, I mean literal bludgeon hard,” I explained, “You use a rock to break it up, and from that point it’s usable. Stuff lasts damn near forever, unless weevils find it. But hey, that’s just a bonus. Extra protein with dinner.” I said with a chuckle and everyone else cringed.

“But anyways- forgive me if I’m the last one left eating tonight.”

Dee decided to speak up next. “So Emmie- how’s your research been going?” She asked, and his eyes lit up. Er, eye.

“Well, you’ll be glad to hear that the college got approval to send expeditions below the equator. Our surveyors found something… incredible.” He said with a sense of wonder in his voice, and I snorted, pulling out my watch to rewind it.

“I don’t care if it’s a castle made of gold, I ain’t goin’.” He rolled his eye at me.

“It’s the ruins of some sort of city that, by sheer coincidence, was made out of bricks plated in gold… but most of it had been picked away by now.” This got my attention. “It’s ancient too- if I had to guess, it was built in a time before the first bricks of Ponylon were baked.” I pocketed my watch, giving him a stern look.

“Be careful. Seriously.” I looked at him sincerely, “You’re one of my best friends in the world. I don’t want you getting hurt… or worst case, find you screaming in a madhouse.” He snorted at me,

“Come on, Leona. I’m made of tougher stuff than most. Don’t worry- I’ll keep my mouth shut!” We all shared a laugh for that one. I was still worried for my friend- but then again, he wasn’t the only one heading into a perilous situation.

Later that night after dinner, and when Emmie retired to his room, I was out smoking on my balcony when Mamma joined me. She stood beside me, leaning against the rail overlooking the city below.

“Gimme a smoke, would ya?” She asked, and I snorted.

“You can’t get your own?” I asked her jokingly, handing her a couple darts and lighting one up for her.

“I can, but you’re my daughter. I’ll bum as many smokes off you as I want.” she expertly took a drag from the cigarette, to my surprise.

“When’d you start smoking?” I asked her, and she shrugged.

“That night after you left for the gala. I was… stressing out a bit at the time and I found a pack you left behind. That, and… agh, this is gonna sound awful… but the smell reminds me of you.” She said, and I burst into laughter.

“Yeah, that’s fair… I’m sorry.” I was genuinely feeling apologetic- but she threw a wing around my back and I felt a little better.

We just sat there in silence, enjoying our cigarettes when she spoke up.

“Be careful out there. I know that you don’t have any problems with fighting… or killing, for that matter… but full on war is an entirely different entity.” I knew exactly what she meant, but at the same time-

“Mamma… Do you think I’m doing the right thing here?” I asked her, and was met with silence.

“Well… do you think it’s right?” She asked, and… I wasn’t sure. I had a bad feeling about this, but- why?

“I don’t know, if I’m being frank. I feel like it’s right for me, but what of everyone else?”

“Baby, I think the bottom line is that not everyone’s gonna be happy with the outcome of this war, whatever it is. You’re doing what’s best for our people and the diamond dogs are, presumably, doing what’s best for their people. That’s the problem with the Equestrian government, I believe. They try to make everyone happy by encouraging peace, but it clearly hasn’t been working.” I looked at her with a smile.

“You think so? Yeah, I can see it.” She pulled me in for a hug, wrapping her wings around my back.

“No matter what happens, darling… bottom line is that you’ll always be the best daughter ever. I’m always a letter away; If you ever need me, I’ll drop what I’m doing to come help in any way I can.”

I sniffled. “Th-thanks, Mamma.” I buried my head in her chest feathers and she began to sing softly, you are my sunshine.

My only sunshine. You make me happy, when skies are gray. You’ll never know, dear, how much I love you.

“Please don’t take… my sunshine away.” How she can sing that without breaking down into a teary mess is beyond me, because I can’t even listen to it without breaking down into a teary fucking mess.

“Please. Just stay safe.” She said, her voice cracking.

“I-I will, Mamma. I’ll stay safe.” I promised her, and goddamnit I don’t care if I have to dig my ass out of my own grave, I will always return home.

We just embraced each other for what felt like hours. It was lovely, to be honest.

The next few days were just spent in pure relaxation. The night before we planned to march out, I had to gather all the shock troops together to impart all the info I’d taken from the Diamond Dog prisoners- thankfully, if any of them were suffering from it, they kept their mouths shut.

Today, we would be marching on to the enemy. We’d be gathering at noon, since the King wanted everyone to be awake for the parade.

It was 11:30- I was wearing my armor, save for the gas mask and wing gloves which were held in a canister at my side. My pistols were cleaned and oiled, my cutlass was sharpened, and my dagger was strapped to my forearm. Mamma was adjusting my head feathers while I smoked a cigarette.

“Maaa! I’m gonna be wearing a helmet!”

“That’s no excuse, baby.” I rolled my eyes, but conceded with a chuckle. “Ohh… look at my adorable little hen in her soldier's uniform!” She had a sense of pride in her voice and she pinched my cheek, much to my embarrassment. Thankfully though, we were still in the castle bedroom.

“You picked yellow?” Dee asked and I shrugged.

“It’s a nice color.” I said, donning my helmet. I also skipped the balaclava for the sake of keeping cool.

“Well… I guess this is it for now?” Dee asked, a hint of sadness apparent. She didn’t really want me to go and I didn’t want to leave her, but we both understood the importance of our roles. After all, she's responsible for starting an underground movement while I’m gone. One which would eventually depose the king and put me in place; I trusted my wife, and I’m sure she’ll be getting creative with this project.

I just pulled her in for a parting kiss- one which neither of us wanted to break. After that, I turned to Mamma and pulled her in for a tight hug.

I stepped to the balcony with a grin. “Don’t miss the parade!” I yelled as I made my leave.

I never imagined myself becoming a soldier before, to be honest. I’ve been in a couple gang scuffles before, but never anything massive or prolonged. Hell, a lot of my kills were without even looking the fuckers in the eye. Still though; how different could it really be?

Gott Mit Uns

View Online

I joined the rest of the army in the castle’s massive courtyard and hopped to my place in line, with the xanthous team at my side. The way the parade would pan out, we’d have the shock troops… fuck it, we’re stormtroopers now. The stormtroopers would lead the way and the line fighters would be amassed behind us, with many linesmen playing march music. As per my request, the xanthous team would be leading the way and I would be positioned on the front left.

Why, you may ask? Well, because I bribed a lot of the major publications to make sure my smiling face was on the front page, and instructed them to take their photos from my side of the street. They’d even be publishing the event in color- so soon, my face will be known across all of Fertilia. And those that did know who I was would wonder why a wanted criminal was serving in the military.

I even had it set up so that a few would publish a fake “interview,” which they’ll claim they took after the parade. Of course, mine will be featured first- followed by a list of other real interviews which would legitimize it.

The question itself was “Why did you sign up?”

My response was “Why didn’t you? And this goes for everyone! Is it not every griffon's duty to ensure their children have a good future? We’ve dealt with this problem using timidity and sheepishness for far too long!” Or something to that degree. The ol’ “Think of the children!” fallacy. Works every friggin’ time. But yeah, I also went into how when I was a kid I had to steal just to survive and how I think that’s stupid, yadda yadda, you pretty much know my life's story up until this point.

No wonder people still believe in communism. You can spit whatever bullshit you want as long as you slander the opposition and frame your own bullshit just the right way.

… Aw fuck, am I accidentally inventing fascism? Shit, at this rate I’ll have to commission a minimalist poster of my face with the word yes repeated in the background and hang it outside my house.

Anyways, back to the present.

“Ayyy, we all ready for the history books?” I asked my team, and we greeted each other with quick hugs.

“Damn right! Yee-yee!” Rosco yelled, and I rolled my eyes with a smirk.

“Well boys, get in line!” I yelled, and we did just that. After three months of grueling, difficult training, we were finally ready… to spend the next week marching to Goldcairn. Yeah, I wasn’t looking forward to that.

“AT ATTENTION!” I heard Ulysses shout out, and the group fell to silence as we all saluted. He was standing on top of the castle wall with a megaphone, and I noticed something… strange. He had a look in his eyes that I honestly couldn’t place. It was different, but I wasn’t sure why.

He jumped down from the wall and glided down, his imposing figure landing in front of us and demanding our attention. “YOU ALL KNOW THE DRILL! MARCH!”

Short and simple. I like it. We traveled along the northeastern arterial road out of the city and I honestly got a sense of deja vu from it; after all, this is the road that Mamma and I took when we first left for Equestria, all those years ago.

The scene was quite awe-inspiring. As I passed the first row of journalists with cameras, I threw up a wing salute and gave them a smug grin. “I’m doing my part!” I yelled. Dunno why I did- it just seemed fitting. The cheering crowd agreed, and soon a large chunk of the men were saluting and repeating “I’m doing my part!”

It’d be about three miles until we were out of the city walls, but damn near every foot and street corner was packed with griffons from all over the place! Women and children were cheering us on, the men saluted us, the band was blasting patriotic music, cameras were flashing and balloons were released. A bunch of women were throwing bouquets of flowers around.

The flowers were a nice gesture, but…

“Hey! How ‘bout some smokes for the boys goin’ to the front!?” I yelled out loud. Adrian elbowed my side and Ulysses looked like he was about to grab my tail and drag my ass right to court martial… but surprisingly, the crowd laughed and started tossing packs of smokes! I had to restrain myself from stopping and grabbing every pack I came across… one, because it’d be undignified and two, I only had so much pocket space. So I had to make do with catching them out of the air and stuffing them beneath my cloak.

On the side of the road there were groups of little kids trying to march in a line like we were- it was adorable! Once in a while I’d see one of them trip on their own feet and I had to hold back my laughter. When we passed a park, I saw a high school teacher preaching to his students how they oughta enlist and serve their country, calling them out by name and asking why they haven’t enlisted yet. He was followed with a rallying cry of one “I’ll enlist!” after another.

“The motherland cannot persist without your sacrifice!” He yelled, and they all cheered.

As we got closer to the city gates, the crowd began to thin out slightly, but that was fine- I was starting to get a headache anyway. When we finally reached the gates, we started breaking up into our squads to retrieve our traveling kit.

One of the benefits of being a quadruped is that you can carry much, much more weight, and for longer periods of time as well. Especially when you consider that I’m over 350 pounds of pure feline muscle makes that pretty evident. Even better- the average griffon male weighs over 450 pounds, and I know for a fact that Ulysses weighs almost 500 pounds, considering his distended belly caused by his habitual drinking. Fucker was still strong, though.

For reference- that’s 158, 204, and 226 kilograms, respectively. My ass is heavy.

Basically, the way we had it set up is that first of all, the rations would be divided evenly among us. Since each ration barrel contained enough rations for three meals a day for three days, for example one of us would be carrying the hardtack, one of us would carry the salt meat, one of us would carry the grain, sugar, and coffee, one of us would carry flour and spices, one of us would carry the barrel, cookware, and the tents, and one of us would be in charge of the pemmican bars.

If you didn’t know what pemmican is, it’s basically a meat granola bar consisting of ground up dried jerky and berries held together with fat. Not the tastiest meal, but like hardtack, it’s survival food. It wasn’t meant to meet all nutritional groups, it was meant to keep your gut full while you spent the day away marching your happy ass to the next encampment.

We were supplied with vitamin supplements, though. Meanwhile, river water and chlorine tablets would provide drinking water on the go.

Oh, I almost forgot! The cigarette ration! The most important part of any balanced meal is the cigarette before and after eating, which serves the purpose of numbing your taste buds from the mundane rations, and the cigarette after is just for good luck. For obvious reasons, I have been banned from carrying the cigarette rations… but that was fine. I amassed a decent stash during the parade.

Once we were ready to go, all that was left to do was wait for everyone else to catch up, so we just sat in our positions talking until the linemen started filtering towards the gate. But then, out of the corner of my eye, I noticed something. A pink figure wearing a suit and tie was approaching us from the distance, and I couldn’t help but grin.

“I gotta break away for a minute. Don’t leave without me.” I didn’t even await a response as I greeted my wife with a hug and a peck on the cheek.

“I just had to see you one last time, you know that?” She said, and I giggled.

“Oh, come on. You know I’ll be coming back.” I said, and she glanced off to the side before reaching into her suit coat pocket. It was a small velvet baggie, like the ones bottles of Crown Royal came in.

She wordlessly urged me to open it, and a grin threatened to break my beak when I did. It was a picture of us, taken on the night of our wedding. I was wearing my dress and Dee was wearing her suit and we were in front of the lake. It was laminated in plastic, too- so it wouldn’t disintegrate in my pocket. She was even wearing that little tiara she always cherished. Speaking of that tiara-

“Dee, I can’t take this!” That tiara meant the world to her. It was a gift she got from her grandfather before he passed, and even to this day she would wear it on occasion. The thing was old, though- the frame was partially dented in on the left side, one of the sapphires was missing, and the part usually covered by her hair was a dull, tarnished gray where the oils from her head wore away the finish.

She giggled at me. “No, you knucklehead. Close your eyes and lower your head.”

“Kinky.” I heard the sound of a marker popping open.

“Shush.” She started drawing something on my helmet.

“There better not be a dick and balls drawn on my helmet.” I said sternly. The drawing stopped for a moment and I heard a snort… but it then continued. Fuck.

“All done!” she said, and I took my helmet off. On the front in white marker was a drawing which quite closely resembled the tiara. It was a bit sloppy in some spots, but you could tell what it was. I smiled and pulled her in for a hug. She shuddered and I grabbed her tight, wrapping my wings around her.

“I don’t want you to go…” She cried softly into my shoulder,

“I don’t have a choice, baby. Come hell or high water, I’ll be back. I promise.” she pulled back and I tucked the tiara on her head, adjusting it so it was perfect. “And when I do come back, this tiara will be replaced with a crown.” She smiled and nuzzled my cheek.

“And besides. I’ll have lots of stories to tell… And I know what stories you like.” I said with a dark grin, and she smiled with a faint blush.

“Then I await with bated breath.” We shared one more long kiss before we went our separate ways. “Make those beasts pay!” She yelled as she left. I watched wistfully as she returned home, and not just because she had a fine set of flanks. When she disappeared on the horizon I felt awash with a sort of melancholy and sighed.

I tucked the photo away into my helmet for safekeeping, but before I did that, I noticed something. Writing on the back- it said Bella Mia with a drawing of a heart. I smiled and put the helmet back on before rejoining the squad.

“Goin’ back for one last quickie, eh?” I heard Jos ask, for which I gave her a friendly punch on the shoulder.

I was in charge of the grain, sugar, and spices for this three day stretch. The plan was in about three days' time, we will reach a village with a storehouse where we’ll replenish our rations before moving on.

“What’s with that silly lookin’ crown on your helmet?” Jos asked with a chuckle, and Sinan added,

“They’re gonna be calling you The Queen in Yellow when they see you.” He said, idly adjusting his armor.

I… wasn’t sure what to think of that nickname. “I dunno… I was hoping for something badass, like Lady of the Dark or… actually… The Xanthous Queen!” I half-yelled, striking a heroic pose in a joking manner.

With a chuckle, Adrian said- “You know what they’ll really call us? Enemies.”

“Or demons.” Rosco said with a snort.

“Faceless maniacs with thundersticks and swords, reeking like sulfur and emerging from a burning green cloud that smells like pineapple and pepper.” Fin said flatly. I just shrugged.

“I’m still partial to The Xanthous Queen. It’s got a ring to it, you know?” I asked.

“Well, you can tell it to the media when we get back.” Adrian said assuredly.

Since we still had some time left, we decided to dig into the pemmican for a quick snack. I found that the best way to eat it is to take a medium sized bite and let it rehydrate a little bit in your mouth before swallowing little by little. Thankfully, having a beak made this pretty easy. It wasn’t good, by any means, but it at least had more flavor than hardtack.

War is hell, especially if you’re a total foodie like I am. That’s probably why I complain about the rations a lot, but then again, I’m not the only one. If I die during this war, it won’t be from an enemy sword or bolt- it’ll be for want of some good pasta!

And that goes for many of the native Fertilians in this army. Good food is practically a religion around here, and even in times of dire need the poor still can access cheap meals, if they know what they’re doing. Even when Mamma and I were at our poorest, we were still eating better than your average American college student.

I think that’s part of why I love this Kingdom so much. The farmland is so fertile from rivers which run off the C shaped mountainous regions all around Fellrock that fresh food was never hard to come by. Well, except for when everything first went to shit, there was some scarcity before the agrarian sect slowly overgrew the old industrial sects. Old factories along rivers were converted into massive barns and warehouses for farmers.

Another interesting thing I noticed early on was that when things first started going to shit and the price of canned, pre-cooked foods went up, many people struggled because they were intimidated by proper cooking. For this reason, third party charity groups printed cookbooks to hand out to the masses; which is another thing I can use as ammo against the king.

Tangent aside, we were all ready soon after that. Thankfully for the majority of travel, rank and file wasn’t as important unless we were walking through a town or village. As long as we stuck with our group, it was fine.

And so, with Ulysses leading the way, we were on the move. After a little while of walking, I decided to strike up a conversation.

“How are those memories still holding up?” I asked them.

“Still crystal as day. Uncannily so.” Adrian said, and Rosco elaborated-

“It’s… strange. Normally when I remember somethin’, there’s a sort of a fog around it. This’s like… lookin’ through a window, almost.” I nodded.

“I know what you mean. When I picture the place in my Mind’s Eye-” My actual mind’s eye, not my friend, “It’s like I can almost imagine myself having lived there.”

“So I’ve been wanting to ask…” Sinan said, “How do I put this; what the fuck is that thing?”

“Fuck all if I know. I contracted it while exploring an antediluvian temple full of griffon undead with brains full of eyeballs. It’s fucked.” I shuddered, “Fuckin’ thing bit my tongue off and took its place.” I saw that many of them were cringing in disgust and sympathy at the thought.

Not Sinan, though. “It looks like something out of one of those Neighponese pulp magazines.” Adrian began to blush and sputter, and I couldn’t help but laugh.

“What? You’ve never read a pontai mag before?” I asked Adrian and he looked away, blushing. His head crest, normally white, made his blush fairly easy to spot. On and for the record, his fur was a golden brown. He’s very aquiline in appearance.

Where was I? Oh, right. “I mean, come on, man!” I stuck my tongue out, and lightly rubbed his cheek with the tip before slurping it back in. “Don’t tell me you can’t see the sheer sex potential of that thing!” His eyes widened and he looked at me sternly. Still blushing, though.

“Don’t tell me you’ve used that for… sexual purposes.” I just gave him a smug grin and wiggled my eyebrows. “Oh my fuck…” He muttered, using his wings to cover his blushing face.

“That thing was rooting around in our brains…” Jos spoke up, “But you’re more concerned about the fact that it was rooting through her wife’s snatch?” I was about to say more than her snatch, but I decided to not throw fuel on the fire.

“It’s not that, it’s… it’s just so uncouth to talk about in public.” Oh, right. I forgot that he did come from the prim and proper court life. He was probably raised from birth with the etiquette of Northumbrian court life- the worst kind of nobility.

“Now don’t you fret!” Rosco said for me, “We’ll train that stuffiness outta you yet!”

We were gonna have to. Adrian and I would be sharing a tent and on top of that, we really wouldn’t have any time for bathing- so by day three, we’ll probably all smell like dick cheese.

We marched for hours today, and this was only a half day! The area we were setting up camp in was a wide field with relatively low grass that wasn’t too terribly dry. It was also near a river and a forest, so we could easily fetch water to purify with chlorine tabs.

Adrian and Sinan worked on setting up our tents while the rest of us went to gather firewood in the nearby forest. While we were out, we also kept an eye out for wild potatoes or mushrooms which grew relatively abundantly here. They weren’t big or the most flavorful, but they’d help to add variety and nutrition. Fin and Jos managed to score us some green onion, too.

As for the food, the way we had it figured out is we'd work in shifts for dinner. One day someone different would cook, since we were all pretty decent at it. I was in charge of dinner for day one, so I started by instructing the guys to break up some hardtack while I boiled some salt beef over a spit.

Well, salt “beef.” The quality and origin of the meat was… dubious… but it should taste fine. Of course, I’m not just boiling the meat. It’d taste like licking the side of an animal. No, the point of that is to get the salt out. Once the pot had reached the salinity of the dead sea, I set the meat to the side and diluted the water in the pot, setting the river-washed potatoes to boil.

Then, as was standard, I heated up the pork fat in a large fry pan and got to work. I then sliced up the meat into relatively small strips before adding the soaked hardtack to the pan. I then added diced mushrooms and regular onion, which had been a part of our ration kit. I stirred it around on low heat for a while, waiting for the ingredients to start to brown before adding the beef.

As an afterthought, I added more pork fat to make sure everything was mixing well. The beef sizzled wonderfully, a light sear developing as I continued stirring the whole thing with a tin spoon. I threw in a little salt and a bunch of pepper for flavoring, then dusted the whole thing with flour. I cooked it until the flower was incorporated and browned, then added a little more flour and a cup or so of water. The water sizzled and soon reduced itself into a nice, creamy sauce.

“Hold out your plates or your hands. Either way, dinner’s ready.” I said, and my crew eagerly held out their standard issue tin plates. I used the spoon to heap a good portion on each one as well as a couple boiled potatoes each. As a finishing touch, I chopped up green onion and sprinkled it on top.

“I call it Hell-fired Stroganoff. Not bad for something I came up with on the fly.” I said, taking the first bite. It was actually quite good, given the circumstances.

“The sauce could’ve used a good sherry, though.” Adrian spoke up- being the resident Northumbrian, he was quite familiar with a good stroganoff.

“I’ll keep that in mind when dinner’s your turn.” I said with a chuckle as I continued my meal. It was good- the sauce added a nice mouthfeel, the beef was chewy and not too salty, and the hardtack absorbed the flavors of everything else.

Dinner was going quite well…

“OUCH!” I yelled out, something harder than normal was hiding in that last spoonful. It felt like I just bit down on a nail, so I spit the offending piece of “bread” out. “Alright, which of you fucks didn’t water your bread down enough?” I asked, rubbing the side of my beak. I felt around with my tongue and felt a definite chip in there- but thankfully, that’s all it was. It would regrow and smooth itself out like a scuff, eventually.

Still hurt like hell, though.

Soon, we all got ready to turn in for the night; armor was set outside our tents, clothes were piled in the corners of our already tiny tents, the rations were put away and the fire was left to slowly die out. We all finished the last of our business, smoking a few more cigarettes before bed.

I was bunking with Adrian, so I made sure to say No homo before climbing into my separate sleeping bag. He just looked at me in confusion before shrugging my nonsense off.

Since the sleeping bag was kind of thin, I decided to pad it out using my clothes. It didn’t help much, but I was tired enough that it helped a little. That, and there was also the fact that they were already starting to smell.

God help us all.

---

The morning routine was a little more tightly-scheduled than at night, since we needed to be ready to move by a certain time. The way we had it set up is that two of us would get up every day in the early twilight to get things ready. The two of them would do their daily business first, since their alarm was powered by drinking a bunch of water the night before. After that, they’d get whatever they needed for breakfast ready and get a fire restarted.

The rest of us would get woken up whenever they started cooking breakfast, so we could get ourselves ready for the day in a similar manner.

Sinan was cooking this morning, and fashioned together some sort of pancake, making use of the flour and pemmican, among other things. Admittedly they were a little dry and the pemmican added a certain hearty savoriness that wouldn’t have melded well with syrup, but still; we all ate happily. Especially when he started cooking the shredded potatoes in pork fat- now that was the fuckin highlight of this meal. Of course, we didn’t have a cheesegrater so Sinan recruited Rosco and Jos to help him slice the potatoes nice and thin- so it was a relatively small portion each for all that hard work.

It was almost time to go, and we all started the process of repacking everything and helped each other with our armor. The sound of ratchets from the armor spread across the Stormtroopers side of the camp and it sounded like an army of cicadas for a second there.

Seriously, when you study history, they only tell you about the battles themselves. The numbers, the strategies, etc. But what people sometimes fail to realize is how much more there is to it. You gotta get your boys to the front line, you had to keep them fed. The march was long and arduous, so we did whatever we could to keep ourselves entertained.

We sang folk songs, played I spy, talked about what we were gonna do when we got home and what we were up to before this whole thing. And we complained- my fuck did we whinge about how much this sucked; and I honestly think that was part of the magic of this whole thing.

You had a group that consisted of a set of orphan twins who bounty hunted, you had an incredibly uncommon crossbreed, you had a local redneck sheriff and a family man, you had a well educated, prim and proper nobleman, and you had the fucking mob boss who funded this whole operation; all who trained together. We ate together, used the latrine together, we laughed and talked about the good times from before everything went to shit.

Sinan would speak about how happy he was to finally go on sort of a hero's journey, which is quite the common trope among zebra culture and literature. He talked about how much pride his father had in him for essentially volunteering his life for the sake and safety of others, and how that is the bravest, most noble thing one can do.

Adrian was here for similar reasoning, although his parents were less supportive. They wanted him to continue studying law and settle down amongst the court life of Northumbria. He talked about how even though he respected the lifestyle, it bored him to death and the idea of spending the rest of his life living that way was incomprehensible. He wanted to really go out there, to see the world and experience it all. Though this rough and uncouth style of living didn’t mesh with his ideals well, he took to it rather quickly.

Rosco, meanwhile, talked about his goal of helping this nation out of poverty, “one clan at a time.” He also spoke about his beloved wife and son a lot, especially his son. I didn’t do anything to stop it- the whole motherhood kick my wife’s been on lately had apparently rubbed off on me a little bit, and hearing all the stories about raising his son just sounded so… so wonderful to me. But I digress.

The twins just liked killin’, which I could respect. They also were doing it as a means to try and avenge their mother. Again, I respect it.

But anyways, at around midday we started hearing the phrase “Smoke ‘em if you got ‘em,” which meant it was time for our midday break. We had a half hour to do whatever, so we used this time wisely. We refilled our canteens and drank our fill, did our business wherever we could find some privacy, and munched on pemmican as a quick lunch. And of course, we took the time to chuff back as many darts as possible. I could hold a cigarette in my beak while walking no problem, but some didn’t like when the smoke wafted back into their eyes.

Many just immediately dropped to their ass to catch their breath upon hearing the break call, not that I could blame them.

But soon, we were once again on the march. The cycle continued until night fell, and we did it all again the next day. This cycle continued for another three days until we stopped at a village to replenish our rations.

The trip had gone smoothly so far… then we hit a snag on day five. It was my turn to make breakfast that morning, so the previous night I drank a fuckton of water to prepare. Naturally, I had to piss like a racehorse come morning.

I quickly nudged Adrian. “Wake up, chucklefuck. We got work to do.” His snoring stopped abruptly as he rolled out of his sleeping bag with a sense of urgency, much like I did.

“You going first or am I?” He asked as we walked to the latrine dugout. I just looked at him and cocked an eyebrow.

“There’s more than one shitter, you know.” I deadpanned.

“Next to each other, with no proper dividers.” I looked at him incredulously.

“You fuckin kiddin’ me with this? We’ve been sleeping in the same tent for the past half a week, and you’re worried about decency?” I took my spot in the latrine, “Get your ass over here and go with me, we got work to do.”

He looked like he was about to argue, but conceded with a sigh. “Yeah, I suppose you’re right. I’m sorry.” He said, taking a spot a couple feet away from me.

Whew. Goddamn. You ever rock a piss so good that you shiver when it’s all out? It was one of those and I had a good feeling for today. We washed our hands in the nearby river and got to work starting a fire.

It was super early twilight- while the moon had gone and the sky was a lighter shade of blue, the horizon was still dark as night. I decided to start with the coffee, since I would be soaking the hardtack in it for breakfast. I broke it apart into crumbles in that velvet baggie that Dee gave me, poured myself a mug full of hot coffee and let the hardtack soak it up.

While I waited for my coffee to cool, I decided to preemptively pour everyone else's coffee and have them soak more hardtack. I also instructed those lazy bums to get their asses moving.

The morning chill felt wonderful in my feathers. I lit up a cigarette before taking a few puffs and bringing my mug up for a sip of coffee. Today was a good day.

…

My eyes widened. Something was off with this coffee. I looked down and the culprit was immediately apparent. Little weevils floated around the top of my mug, apparently having drowned when I started soaking the hardtack.

Immediately, I set the mug down and inspected the sack of hardtack. It was hard to tell because of the twilight, but upon close inspection, there was definitely weevils infesting our bread.

“We got a problem.” I said to the rest of my squad as they returned from the latrine. Adrian was off fetching more wood at the time. “Weevils.” Was all I said, and we all sprung into action. Thank god, by some miracle only the bread was infested, everything else was fine.

At first we were going around to see if anyone could spare an extra biscuit or two, but apparently the problem was more widespread than we thought. We would ultimately be delayed that day since we had to un-weevil our rations.

The method to doing so was simple; you take your fry pan and place it upside down on some hot coals. Then you’d take your infested biscuits and simply set it on top. The rising heat will kill any eggs and force the bugs to fuck off, where’d they’d fall onto the hot coals.

Despite this setback, Ulysses assured us that the infested bread would still be safe to eat after this, and that we could still drink the coffee, we just had to skim the dead weevils out of the top.

Our meals were eaten with relative disdain for the next couple days, for we all had the knowledge that our main staple bread was likely now full of dead insect eggs. Adrian had it the worst out of all of us- apparently, he thought the idea of eating bread that had dead bugs in it to be… icky. But we eventually convinced him to suck it up.

Mainly, we were looking forward to the night of day seven. At that point, we were less than a day away from our goal and would be celebrating with a special ration given to us. We weren’t sure what it was, but we were promised it would be good. There’d also be alcohol- and that promise was leading some of us to our goal like a carrot on a stick. Not that I’d be partaking, of course.

The next morning we’d also have a special breakfast and then we’d split off from the main group to get in place for the invasion to start. We’d also be given our gas canisters sometime before then.

So, aside from the fact that we all reeked and the weevil thing… morale was high. We were ready to fight. None of us were ready to die. We were soldiers- even if we didn’t fully realize what that meant at the time.

Sinners Blues

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Day seven had gone well enough, I suppose. This morning we polished off the last of our main rations, including the wormy bread; so for lunch today, it was the common ordeal of eating the remains of our pemmican while resting our feet and chuffing back as many darts as we could.

I wonder if I can get the Marelboro corporation to sponsor our campaign? After all, they’ve become the new trendy cigarette of choice when they realized that they could use ammonia to improve the flavor and add body to their smokes. The ration cigarettes are… okay… but they’re a cheap local brand. Say what you want about Equestria, they sell excellent cigarettes.

But anyways, these past couple days, I’ve noticed that the terrain has gotten hillier; not only that, but on a clear, sunny day- you could faintly see mountain peaks in the distance. When Mamma and I last traveled to Nalot, the mountain regions were the hardest part to pass through. If we weren’t careful with the map, we could easily get lost within the many mountain trails and cave passes… or if the rumors were true, find ourselves climbing the wrong mountain and becoming slaves.

Again, though- rumors.

The mountain we were heading to was a smaller one which held Goldcairn within its base. Air shafts all around the mountain lead directly into the den, where we would make our grand entrance.

But for tonight, we would be camping outside the walls of Ravenna; a decently sized city about 10 miles south of Goldcairn. The Duke of this city is the king’s cousin- so he’s probably the main reason we were striking the MacDoggal clan first. The Duke was so sure of our victory that he had gold refineries on standby and would eventually arrange for a company to build a railroad between the city and the mine.

We were met with a fucking carnival going on outside the city walls, that’s how hyped these people were. Large tents were there to cater to us one last meal before we descended into the darkness. We received mail from our loved ones, who were told we’d be here by now. I walked into town to get a newspaper and to see what people were saying…

Well- imagine my surprise to see my face plastered all over as propaganda. One photo they used was a picture of me wing saluting and winking at the camera, with the caption “I’m doing my part; so should you!”

Thankfully, this city had a massive bathhouse, which I decided to visit before exploring the city proper. It would’ve been really embarrassing if I smelled like dick cheese whilst being surrounded by this crowd of excited bystanders. I even had my yellow cloak washed.

I looked at them crowding the market, looking at me with shocked expressions. I simply smirked and winked while saluting. “I’m doing my part!” I yelled out, the crowd cheering that they got to meet the, and I quote, “Poster child of griffon pride!”

Immediately, I started getting swarmed with questions- so I knew I had to take control of this mayhem. Overtop one of the shops, I saw a rounded stone balcony.

I pointed up and yelled, “Who owns that balcony, mind if I borrowed it?”

An older hen came up to me and said, Go ahead, dearie. Speak your mind. As you know, every Italian politician worth their salt just had to address a crowd from a balcony, at least once. It was tradition at this point. I leaned against the balcony with a wide grin and waved, and the cheering slowed to make room for what I had to say.

“Name’s Leona. Leona Grimfeather. Imagine my surprise when I saw my face plastered all over the place.” The crowd giggled faintly and I continued, “But really- it is a great honor, all things considered. But let’s not forget the rest of our boys goin’ to the front!”

By this point, I saw Sinan and Adrian approaching the crowd, probably wondering what all the fuss was about.

“I cannot describe, personally, how honorable it feels to have the opportunity to undo an injustice that was done to so many of us, so long ago. It’s an utter travesty that there are children born today which have never seen the true greatness of our nation.” The crowd started shouting out agreement, so I continued- “We bring with us not just promises of a good life, but we are harbingers of a new golden age of Griffonian science and technology!”

The crowd cheered as I basically blew smoke up their asses. “We will see unprecedented prosperity in the wake of this upcoming battle!” The crowd's cheers swelled and hats were tossed in the air. The whole speech I was gesticulating madly as to make sure the media people in the crowd got plenty of good photos. One of said media griffons approached me with a notepad and asked,

“What happens after the MacDoggals are convinced to work with us?” She asked, and I answered.

“Presumably, we’ll continue to hit other clans if they haven’t surrendered. However, I personally believe we should hit the Bushidog clan next, as their mountains are filled with coal, iron, and other good resources. But the end goal, I believe, is total command and control.” The crowd was muttering their approval.

It was starting to get late and dinner would be starting soon, so I didn’t want to miss that. I raised a fist in the air and yelled, “FOR PROSPERITY!” and the crowd echoed back with choruses of PROSPERITY!

It was something I pulled out of my ass at the last second… but that does make a good political slogan. I hope Dee catches up on it. I would write to her my ideas, but that’s too risky. If the king suspects something, he might check our mail.

We all disbanded and I joined Sinan and Adrian on the trek back to camp.

“What in the world was that?” Adrian asked, and I giggled.

“Come on, now. Surely you must have figured out by now I have ambitions beyond being a soldier.” Both my compatriots looked at me incredulously, and I felt a little hurt.

“You? A politician?” Adrian spoke, and Sinan chuckled.

“The big, bad Leona wants to be… a career politician.” He said with a snort. I just huffed in annoyance.

“And you want to be a soldier. How is that less bizarre than my wanting to help run this nation and preventing it from literally going to the dogs?” I said to Adrian with a glare. He stopped walking for a moment and I pointed to him, “My goals and ambitions are my own, thank you very much.” Sinan, never one to give a fuck, just kept moving.

Adrian and I were alone on this dark street, now. “And just what are your ambitions?” He asked, eyebrow raised. I huffed once more, but then chuckled.

“Girl stuff, I guess. How much can I trust you, Adrian?” I asked him, and he held a hand to his heart.

“Whatever’s on your mind, you can trust me with, friend.” He said solemnly, and I smirked.

“I’m a simple gal. I married a pretty girl who helps manage my house and finances. I want to help this nation out of its eternal struggle. Maybe I’ll even have kids someday, who knows.” I got close to him and whispered, “And I want to become the Queen of half the free world.” His eyes widened in shock.

I pulled out a pistol, which was concealed by the yellow cloak. “I’ll ask one more time. Can I trust you?” His face remained straight, not even batting an eye to the barrel held to his chin.

“Leona, I come from a royal family. I’m used to the lying. To the cheating. To the backstabbing. I’m well versed in it. And I also understand posturing.” He said to me with a smug grin, “You’d never shoot me because it’d be against your best interest to.” My eyes widened in surprise.

I nodded my approval and holstered my pistol. With an impressed grin, I said “No one’s ever called me out like that before. Good job. But seriously- we cool?” He snorted with a wide grin.

“If you do wind up in a position of great power, keep me in mind. After this is all over, I’d make a great asset for any court.” I rolled my eyes with a giggle.

“Well, mail your application in and we’ll see. But seriously- I’m always looking for people with certain skills.” We were walking back to camp together side by side, and with a cheeky grin I added, “Like I could always use a court jester.” I said, receiving a wing to the back of the head.

I deserved it.

At the camp outside the city walls, there were large tents which served our meals. It was a pretty big ordeal- all sorts of people volunteered to help our troops and that.

Good news! It turns out, I wouldn’t be dying for want of some good pasta… yet. The cooks heaped a massive pile of homemade spaghetti with meat sauce and grated fresh parmesan cheese on top, served with garlic toast made from fresh Fertilian bread.

For drinks, they had assortments of all sorts of fancy local boozes and wines to taste, as well as plenty of beer… they also had lots of water and juices, if you were a square like I am. I just filled my canteen with apple juice before making my way to the fire that the xanthous team claimed. There was also a bar set up in one of the tents, but we decided not to go.

I took my seat between Sinan and Rosco. Sinan had finished eating and had at some point gotten a guitar from his visit to town, which he was idly strumming at. Adrian and the Twins joined soon, and we were all happily eating our dinners and listening to Sinan strum away.

“Lemme tell ya’s, I’m in heaven right now.” I said, taking a good bite of my spaghetti. “There’s an old Fertilian saying. If you can’t have good food, why live?” I’d already polished off my plate and was considering getting more, but I was already so full.

“Damn straight… Urrp!” Rosco said, punctuating his sentence with a belch. Classy as always.

I set my plate aside and reached into my bag for my mail. “Did ya’s open your mail yet?” I asked, and everyone else reached into their bags. “Guess we’re doing this all at once, eh?”

I had two envelopes which were bigger than normal. It felt like each one had a magazine or something inside it. Everyone else just had standard letters- except for the twins, who got no mail. Kinda felt bad for them.

“Let’s see what my wife sent… woah!” I said when I ripped the envelope open. Inside was the latest issue of Weird Tales, which was a cheap pulp magazine I liked. Apparently, I had just missed the latest issue. There was also a letter from my wife included.

Hey, baby! Not sure when you’ll get this but the bottom line is that I’ve missed you from the second you left. My heart yearns for the day we may meet again, my love <3

Also, a copy of that terribly magazine you like showed up the day after you left~

“It’s not terrible…” I mumbled quietly to myself,

Turn to page 6 for a little surprise~
Until meet again, my love. You’ll be on my mind constantly.

I tilted my head in confusion, wondering what sort of surprise awaited me.

“What do we have here?” I said aloud, pulling the magazine out of its sleeve.

Apparently, I didn’t even have to turn to the page to get the surprise. Two polaroid photos slid out the bottom, and the one that landed face up had a picture of my wifes snatch as the foreground focus.

“AH WHATTHEFUCK” I yelled out, snatching those up quick and holding them against my chest. All the chucklefucks around the campfire started giggling, and Jos spoke up-

“Whew! She must really miss you!” She yelled out, and I slowly pulled the photo away from my chest.

“Mmf… goddamn… Adrian, you might wanna plug your ears tonight.”

“I will do no such thing.” He said sternly, and I just shrugged, throwing the photos and the magazine into my bag. I was about to ask what everyone else got- but then I noticed that Rosco was being pretty quiet.

“You good, bud?” I asked him, and he was just staring at the paper with an expression of utter joy. He slowly looked at us and turned the paper around, pointing towards a certain passage. For his privacy’s sake, I ignored the rest of the letter…

But the part I did read made me want to tackle him into a hug. It said simply; We have another on the way!

“Oh, shit! Congrats, man!” Fin and Jos yelled out in unison, with Fin backing off with a blush.

“Indeed, what wonderful news!” Adrian said, and I nodded in agreement. The only one who wasn’t overtly excited was Sinan- who instead had a bit of a sad look in his eyes, barely even perceptible. I was going to ask why, but then I remembered a crucial detail about hippogriff biology; they’re hopelessly infertile.

Tears rolled down Rosco’s beak. I asked him, “You bankin’ on a son or a daughter this time?” and he looked at me and shrugged.

“Bah, what they are hardly matters! I’m gonna be a daddy again!” I beamed at him and patted his back, grabbing my canteen and raising it in the air.

“Hey, I’ll toast to that!” I yelled, and Rosco laughed.

“I’ll do ya’ one better!” He reached into his bag and pulled out a bottle of good ol’ rotgut. He yanked the cork with a satisfying pop and took a big swig, cringing fiercely.

“YEEE-HAWWW!” He yelled out and passed the bottle to me.

“No thanks.” I said a little too fast and perhaps defensively. “Sorry. I just wanted to make sure at least one of us wouldn’t be too hungover tomorrow.” I quickly added, and he shrugged and passed it to Adrian instead. I don’t know why I felt the need to lie about why I didn’t drink, to be honest.

Soon, between the wine and the rotgut, the entire xanthous team was in various stages of tippled and trashed.

“Ya know, hic, Ah wuz savin that fer… fer tomerrer.” Rosco slurred out, his speech barely comprehensible. “But I figger this’s a good enough reason’ fer celebratin’.”

“There’s an ancient tradition amongst my father’s tribe.” Despite the fact that Sinan was pretty drunk, he still spoke quite eloquently. “Where the night before a battle or a fight, they would all party and get drunk- because they know that then might be their last chance.” He took a swig from his canteen, which he told us was filled with wine.

“Kyeh, heheheheee!” Fin burst out into laughter- she was so drunk she was swaying on the log she was sitting on- her sister didn’t fare much better. “Cheers! Ah’ll drink ta’ that.” She said, taking a long pull from the bottle. Jos took it next,

“He he. Yeah.” Apparently, their personalities swap when they get drunk.

I couldn’t help but sigh wistfully. “Wish I had a blunt or something… preferably laced with catnip. Man, I miss Zecora.” I said aloud, and Sinan’s head turned rapidly.

“This… Zecora… does she speak in rhymes?” I blinked twice in surprise.

“Yeah… why?” I asked cautiously, adding “I ain’t a snitch, ya dig?” Sinan shook his head,

“No, no, that’s… She’s an old friend of my father’s. Used to be around all the time when I was little.” He said with a faint smile, “What happened to her, if you don’t mind me asking?”

I just shrugged. “Among other things, she grows some of the best weed I have ever smoked. Apparently she crossbreeds some Zebrican strain with some weird magic Everfree bullshit. Other than that, she just lives on the outskirts of Ponyville. She does brew potions, though.” I said to Sinan, who was looking up at the stars.

“I’ll have to let my father know. Perhaps someday I will be able to visit.” He looked at me and said, “Aunt Zecora was who got me into poetry in the first place… though admittedly, I’m not very good.”

“Fuckin’ small world, isn’t it?” I said, lighting up a cigarette. Then I remembered something-

“Oh, right!” I yelled aloud, pulling the other envelope out of my bag. “Almost forgot Mamma’s letter.” I mumbled to myself. I ripped open the top without looking inside and pulled out the letter.

Hey baby! Dee told me that you’d be doing a lot of marching, so I found this under your bed in Ponyville and figured you’d want some entertainment for the road!

I’ll keep this brief- you’re my sunshine and I love you. Stay safe- that is a fucking order!

I cocked my eyebrow in confusion, wondering what she meant. Without thinking, I yanked the magazine out of its sleeve.

“What the fuck, mom.” It was a copy of Red Rocket magazine, to my embarrassment. And I just pulled it out in front of my whole team. Naturally they all laughed at me, the traitors!

“Yeah, yeah, laugh it up.” I muttered, shuffling the magazine into my bag for later. That was probably to get back at me for all the times I made fun of her while she was in heat.

“Hey, Sinan, give ush a song!” Adrian slurred out. He was quite red-faced, despite the conservative sips he was taking from the bottle.

Sinan hummed in response. “How about…” He muttered to himself, then smiled. He started playing and sang,

“When I was just a colt, you know- I met a hen from ol’ Bordeaux!
She had long hair and blue eyes too, took me for a ride on the ring-dang-doo!”

We all smiled and belted out the chorus, while Adrian blushed at the suggestive nature of the song. We were up late into the night just singing, talking and having a good time. When we realized that Ulysses was passed out in an alcoholic stupor, we realized we wouldn’t be getting up on time anyway.

And so, for the last day before the battle, we all let loose. The next morning, we awoke to the burning sun and groaning. I was fine, though.

Breakfast was served to us in the same sort of manner as last night, except with no alcohol. There was bacon, eggs, sausage, hashbrowns, pancakes, sausage gravy and biscuits… it was fuckin heaven is what it was!

I took my seat on the log like I did yesterday, eating my breakfast and washing it down with coffee that wasn’t shitty.

“You guys look a wreck.” I said, and received a chorus of moans in response. The Twins and Rosco had it the worst, since they didn’t really pace themselves all that well.

“Agh… any way ah can bum some tylenol offa ye?” Rosco asked, and I complied. I extended the same generosity to the twins, who were all grateful.

“Drink your coffee and look alive. We got a big day today.” I said, flipping through the copy of Red Rocket. Adrian looked at me and cocked an eyebrow.

“What?” I said, taking a sip of coffee. “I read it for the articles… goddamn, that’s a big article.” He rolled his eyes and shook his head.

We finished our meals in relative silence before helping each other put our gear on. It was time to go over the plan.

“Alright, gather ‘round.” I said, unscrolling the map on a log. It was a rough map with local landmarks and all sorts of things highlighted and circled. In the center of the map was a star- which represented the main entrance.

“So the way this entrance is set up is that there’s a cave at the base of this mountain. In front of the wide, boarded up entrance are wooden forges and storehouses, all surrounded by a log wall with a wide-ish gate. Our line troopers will wreak havoc by firing upon this area relentlessly. A good wall of lead will ensure any fleeing occupants either get fucked or surrender.”

My teammates nodded along with my explanation. All around the mountain were circles labeled with colors, each corresponding to a squad of stormtroopers. “As you can see, we’ll be making our entrance here, slightly north of this old river mill. Resistance should hopefully be minimal.” I lit up a cigarette and took a drag.

“When we get the signal, we’ll drop a can of gas down and rappel down by rope, since our wings will be covered.” I dragged my finger from the point towards the middle, “From there, we’ll use our memory to guide us slowly towards the center, where hopefully we’ll meet everyone else at the same time. Simple enough?”

Everyone nodded, and it was time to collect the gas. Each of us got two tanks- each one being about six inches in diameter and about two feet long, and labeled with skulls and crossbones. It was activated with a simple turn valve which had a safety pin, much like a fire extinguisher. They used a custom harness and belt system to attach one to each of our sides, where they would be concealed by the cloak.

The way we had things worked out, all the stormtroopers would split off from here to get into position and wait for the line troops to hurry up. We’d be flying there, too- so that was nice. It turned a trip that would take half a day by walking into a couple hours with a couple rest stops.

Looking at Goldcairn from a distance, the “mountain” was a bit underwhelming in size- but that was fine. The sky was also somewhat cloudy… and someone with a keen eye might question why they were all the same size.

We got into position and I yelled at the cloud.

Okay, it wasn’t actually a cloud- it was a mobile hospital platform. The idea is that it could float off the ground and move around in case something were to happen.

Our destination was a hole in the ground, a good ways north of an old grain mill. The nurse cloud slowly made its way down and stopped about 30 feet in the air. They actually had a pretty smart system for this- basically if one of us got injured, there are two ropes which drop down the hole- one attached to a bell, and the other a winch. The bell is to tell them “AY GIVE US A HAND!” and the winch is to pull up whoever’s injured.

Hopefully, we’d never need it.

The wait was… quite dreadful. With nothing left to do but sit and contemplate, reality sank in. This was really it. This is what damn near two decades of hardship has come to. Fear, anticipation, anger… relief, excitement, pride. All our dearest emotions were being teased out and we were just sitting around.

I took my helmet off and ran a hand over that picture of my wife and I. I smiled and sighed, putting it back on my head. I just sat on that hillside gazing at the distance- I started to sing softly.

“But should auld acquaintance be forgot, and never cross your mind…” Immediately and almost without thinking, the guys sang with me, “should auld acquaintance be forgot, and days of auld lang syne.”

I looked at my team with a smile. “We’ll make it through this, boys.” I waved a fist in the air, “For Prosperity.”

“FOR PROSPERITY!” They yelled out, and a grin threatened to crack my beak. In the distance- we all heard the sound; The first volley had been fired- it was showtime.

“Remember!” I yelled to the doctors as I tried to get my mask out, “If you see a green cloud, get away from it. If you smell pineapple and pepper, run.” The nurse who was looking down smiled and nodded. “When we get to the bottom, we’re gonna test the bell. Shake the rope a bunch to let us know it’s working.” We tightened our masks and made sure the filters were on good.

Thankfully, much like our suits the filters were full of good, clean asbestos- so I had full confidence. It did come with downsides, though- the asbestos made our suits a little itchy, after all.

Before we threw down the ropes, Rosco grabbed a can of gas and twisted the knob quickly before throwing it down the hole. The can dropped quickly, leaving a trail of toxic gas which sank behind it.

“Let’s roll!” I yelled out, though my voice was muffled considerably by the mask. We dropped the ropes down and Adrian led the way. We heard the bell ring twice and the nurses started vigorously shaking the rope.

When the rest of us joined down below- a problem had already been noted.

It was dark as shit. Thankfully, we each had an oil lamp which could hang off our hips. Unfortunately, even with the brightness all the way up, seeing was still difficult but not impossible.

I looked around, unsure even of where the walls were. I closed my eyes to try and picture where we were in relation to everything else.

“I see…” I muttered to myself. The memories were… strange. It felt like looking at a liminal space- seeing a place normally so full of life now abandoned is always an odd feeling… but I couldn’t help but notice how dark and empty the place was in the memory. There were no real furnishings to think of, just vague stone shapes reminiscent of furniture, as though they were part of the stone floor, for example.

I originally assumed it was a problem with how the louse collects non-specific memories… but now I wondered.

Despite this distraction, I figured out where we were and led the way. It was so dark you couldn’t see two feet in front of you. As we walked down the hallway, Adrian set both of his canisters to slow.

“You think the gas is putting torches out?” Adrian asked, assuming that the glass of our lanterns was protecting the flame.

“No torches.” Sinan pointed at the wall, which was covered in gouges from dog paws and definitely held no torches.

“Well, you have to consider that in a mine they’re constantly making new areas. Maybe they just carry around lamps?” Jos said, and I shrugged, other things occupying my mind.

First and foremost- where are the dogs?

“Wait. Stop.” Adrian held a wing out, halting us. “You hear that?” I could hardly understand him through the mask.

Coughing.

“Heads up. Something’s ahead.” I said, and we approached with utter caution. I was nervously stroking the backstrap of my pistol with a thumb. The coughing slowed and I heard a loud thunk.

Rather than another extension of this hallway, we entered a wide room with a high-ish ceiling. Another interesting quirk of the memory is that nothing was labeled- so whatever purpose this room served is unknown. Maybe it was a sort of resting area or staging area in the middle of the mine? I knew for a fact that we weren’t in the center, yet.

One thing that was for certain though was that the gas was quite effective. Several guards wearing kilts and with large swords were on the ground, wheezing and coughing up blood and pieces of their lungs. The scene… made me a little uneasy.

“Should… should we put ‘em down?” Rosco asked. I couldn’t see his face, but something told me he didn’t have his normal smile. I looked to the ground to see one of the guards slowly pick himself back up. It was a herculean task, one which earned him a pistol pointed at his chest.

“I’ll not HACK! COUGH! Aye… I’ll not let ye’s pass.” He could barely speak from how much pain he was apparently in. Normally I wouldn’t have a problem pulling the trigger, but…

“Lay back down and accept defeat. Resisting the tide of change is futile.” I yelled out, and the dog… smiled. “You cannot hope to win this battle.” I said to him. He took a single step forward and tripped.

“‘Bout… time…” He muttered aloud before letting out one final breath.

I just mouthed the words what the fuck…

“Let’s just keep going.” Jos said, throwing a covered wing around my back. I nodded, feeling somewhat… numb?

And so, we pressed on. Occasionally we’d come across one that thought to cover their mouth using a damp rag. It merely delayed the inevitable… but it allowed them a chance to fight. There was one instance where I got tricked by one laying in wait and almost pissed myself.

I was walking and it was dark as shit. I was taking extra care to not trip on any corpses. My back left foot happened to land near one that was face down… so when he jumped and grabbed my leg, I shrieked in terror.

“GETITOFFGETITOFF!” I screamed,

BANG! The loud roar of Sinan’s blunderbuss filled my ears and I jumped away from the now headless dog, Adrian grabbed me to make sure I was alright.

“Calm down, he’s dead.” I took a deep breath and shuddered.

“Thanks… that was embarrassing.” I admitted, blushing beneath my mask.

We started calling these dogs “zombies” because that’s what they fuckin’ look like.

As we got closer and closer to the center, the bodies came more and more frequently, and they grew more diverse, too. Some had clothes, some didn’t, there were males and females, stuff like that. Many of them were unarmed too, but I didn’t make note of that the first time around. Interestingly enough- there were no portable light sources, as Sinan pointed out. Do these dogs just dig in the dark?

Furthermore, where are the living spaces? Next to the entrance is a decent sized chamber above this next large one, so maybe that’s it?

Anyways, said large chamber was marked with a wooden wall and an iron door. We took three tanks and set them to high, tossing them and shutting the door behind. Thankfully, the door was meant to be locked from this side, since they didn’t expect anyone to approach from this direction.

What happened next was… harrowing. It was still quite dark, so we never saw into the room before we threw the gas cans. On the other side of the door, screams could be heard.

We could not see each other's faces, but I could feel the utter disgust and horror that descended upon my team, myself included. These weren’t the screams of dying warriors or the howls of dying beasts. They were cries for mercy, begging us to stop. People cried out for their mothers, a chorus of coughing rang out. Women lamented the loss of… of…

I couldn’t believe it. When the noise died down, I felt numb. We entered the room even though everything told us not to.

“Can’t believe it…” I heard Rosco mutter. Bodies absolutely everywhere. Not just men- women and children were all over the place.

“Turn the gas off.” I commanded Adrian, and he did as instructed. “Why… why would they make this the living quarters? Don’t they know that natural gas could work its way up and kill them all?” I looked up and noticed something- the ceiling was quite high. So I’m thinking that the floor above this collapsed at some point, making this onto one large chamber. Elevator and pulley systems were next to the entrance. And it must have happened recently, too- there were no beds, just thin sheets of animal fur all around.

My eyes shot open and the feathers on my neck spiked outward. “Did… did you guys hear that?” I asked, and my comrades shrugged. “You seriously can’t hear it?” I asked them, slowly making my way towards the offending noise.

“Leona, what’re you talkin’ about?” Jos asked, following behind me. I was extra careful with all the corpses, making sure to not step on any of them.

“It’s over here! It’s getting louder!” I came across a large pile of bodies- evidently, they were all huddled together when they fell, one by one. “In here! It’s still alive!”

“Leona! Snap out of it!” Adrian said, stomping a foot down. I moved corpses out of the way, looking for the source of the noise.

“There!” I yelled. It was the body of a woman, laying overtop of a much, much smaller body. “Under here, it’s still alive! I can hear its cries!” I moved the woman out of the way and held the baby in my arms.

“Look! A survivor!” With their masks on, they could only stare with blank expressions… but if they didn’t have the masks on, they probably would’ve looked at me with sheer, abject horror.

The crying had stopped suddenly. I shook terribly as I slowly looked down. The baby had been crying blood, his chin and chest covered in blood and pink sputum. It was very clearly dead and must have been for some time- so what was I hearing just now?

I don’t know why I was so transfixed. I just stared down at the small, innocent pup, expecting it to suddenly come back to life like nothing had happened. If I wasn’t wearing a mask, you’d see me smiling like a clown as tears ran down my beak. My nose started running, making breathing with the gas mask a difficult endeavor.

Adrian came up to my side and put a wing around my back. “Come on. Let’s go.” My smile fell and I nodded. I didn’t dare try speaking- the last thing I wanted to do was to choke back a sob. I unceremoniously dropped the baby and muttered out a quick sorry.

I really, really wanted my Mamma just then.

The other teams started filtering in, and I’d calmed myself down by then. We took the lift up- the heavy gas staying below us so that when all 48 of us reached the top, we all busted down the upstairs door and menacingly made our way forward.

Free of the gas, I took my mask off since I’d be the one doing the talking. The entrance way was surprisingly long, wide, and tall- I wanna say about 350 diamond dogs were crowding the area. And they were afraid- by God, were they afraid.

I was wearing a different mask, though; the mask of a cold hearted killer.

“I truly am sorry it had to be this way. Really, I am.” the tartan wearing dogs trembled in fear at us. “Our goal is not genocide. Our goal is resources. We want your cooperation- but any resistance will be met with punishment.” One of the dogs growled.

“Yer an evil witch!” He yelled, left eye covered with an eyepatch. “Ye killed ‘em! There was pups doon there!” I rolled my eyes, lighting up a cigarette.

“You think I care?” I cared immensely. The dog just continued his glare, cracking his knuckles.

“Enough. We settle this by blood.” Apparently, eyepatch was the leader of this… village? “You and I, harpy.” I took a drag from my cigarette as he unsheathed a claymore. His fellow people all took several steps back, as did mine, to my confusion.

“Wait, we really doing this?” I asked, more annoyed than anything else. He stood there twirling his sword around in a mesmerizing display. He flipped it around, swapped hands, tossed it in the air and caught it with one hand before holding it in a combat position.

I rolled my eyes,

BANG! A bullet flew past his sword and buried itself somewhere in the dog's sternum, causing him to drop like a sack of potatoes.

“Alright, let’s get this over with.” The crowd of dogs who crowded their dying leader looked up in fear. “If we can ensure your total cooperation, your clan will receive many benefits such as…” I pulled a scroll out of my bag and read off in a flat voice, “Improvements to infrastructure and technology, permits and allowances for some industrial sectors, uhh…” I read down the list, but…

That baby appeared in my head again and I sighed. “Look, let me be honest. This whole isolationism thing has been hell on all of us. My nation has been falling apart while you all live in utter squalor. Am I wrong to assume that?” I asked, and the crowd actually seemed to think about what I said. “Imagine if you could all have proper beds, and above ground housing. Imagine having prospects beyond just mining all day. I’m not saying it’ll be an immediate change, but clearly something hasn’t been working.”

“And what if we refuse?” Someone from the crowd spoke up, to which I pointed at the dying dog.

I handed the rolled up piece of paper to whoever would take it. “Sign that and we’ll be on our way. We’ll even bring in people to help clear the gas and bury bodies tomorrow.” I clicked a pen and handed it off to a dog.

With a quick scribble, the treaty was signed. I smiled, “Perhaps someday our nations may be independent again. Alright boys, let's move out!”

We left and never looked back. For tonight, a platoon of line soldiers will stay behind to make sure these fucks don’t try anything. Even better- there was a whole convoy consisting of eight wagons which would cart us stormtroopers back to town. All around we could see battalions of line troopers celebrating our victory.

The mood among the stormtroopers was more… subdued.

Each wagon could hold six occupants, and I was the last one on the Xanthous team to climb on. Well, just my luck- as I was climbing on my foot slipped, and I fell off the wagon and landed on my back.

“For fucks sake.” I groaned in annoyance, laying on my back like a dopey fuck. Sinan and Adrian helped me back up.

I wanted to say something, but I just couldn’t. The twins seemed fine, just looking around along with Sinan… Rosco had a thousand yard stare and Adrian was constantly staring back at the mine entrance.

Outside the walls of Ravenna, there were crowds of people cheering our victorious return. I forced myself to smile and wave, and I urged everyone else to do the same.

“How do we tell ‘em…” Rosco muttered, and I shook my head.

“We don’t.” After a few seconds he took in a deep breath.

There were people there to take our clothes for a good washing and we left our armor in our tents. Now that the battle was over, we all had something we planned to do together afterward.

We made reservations for a booth at the local pub. The waitress asked, “Can I get ya’s anything?” and we all made our orders. Originally, we all planned on ordering a massive bowl of wings- but recent events have soured our mood and killed our appetite.

Sinan lit up a cigarette when she walked away. “Now, we are all sons of bitches.” Jos snorted.

“Fuck ‘em.” Rosco looked at Jos and cocked an eyebrow. “Yeah, it’s messed up… but then when I think about my mum, what we’re doing don’t seem so bad.” After a few moments, Adrian said-

“She’s… she’s right. What we’ve done today is abhorrent and has likely damned us forever… but any progress is better than the sweet fuck all that’s been happening.” I lit up a cigarette too.

“That’s true. Rosco, think about it like this- we’re making the world a better place for your child. Even better- we’re fighting so that they don’t have to.” He blinked twice then sighed with a faint smile.

“Yeah, suppose you’re right. In that case, we’d better fight like hell… Keekeekee…” He gave that goofy chuckle, but it didn’t sound as cheery as it normally does.

I took a deep drag of my cigarette. “Being a sinner ain’t so bad. When you know you’re damned either way, it makes certain choices a bit… easier.” I was gonna elaborate, but the waitress arrived.

“I got… a gin and tonic.” Which she handed to Adrian.

“I got a rum and soda.” Which she handed off to Sinan.

“Here’s a tequila sunrise.” For Jos. “And a vodka orange.” for Fin.

“An old fashioned, extra strong…” For Rosco.

And last but not least.

“And a whiskey on the rocks.” I grabbed the glass and brought it up to my beak for a whiff.

“Lemme know if you need anything else!” She said,

“Well, boys.” I raised my glass in the air, and we all looked at one another with weary eyes and faint smiles. “To prosperity!” I yelled out.

“Prosperity!” We yelled before we all took large swigs of our drinks. The rotgut burned my throat wonderfully, the ice barely doing anything to smooth it out.

Just the way I liked it.

Here’s to three years of sobriety down the shitter.

Brain Damage

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The sun had begun to set when I decided to leave the bar. I was pretty drunk, but I wasn’t blacked out. Yet. I was alone for now- the rest of my squad decided to keep getting drunk.

You may be wondering why I left the bar- have I finally learned to pace myself? Have I cured my alcoholism and made myself able to restrain?

Nah. Ulysses wanted to speak to me in his tent- otherwise I planned to drink until I couldn’t even speak anymore.

His tent was the biggest- and as such, I could actually stand relatively comfortable inside it. “Ayy, Ulysses!” I yelled as I barged in, pointing fingerguns at him. His bandanna wasn’t on, so he regarded me with a grin. I plopped down across from where he was sitting and grabbed his bottle, taking a large pull from it.

“So you’ve only seen one battle and you’re already back on the booze?” He said, and I huffed.

“Oh… frig off.” I said, handing him his bottle back. “I’ve had a long day.”

“That’s what I wanted to talk about.” He said, taking a swig from the bottle. “What happened?” He asked, and I glanced off to the side.

“Nothing, really. We killed a few but the gas took care of the heavy lifting.”

“Oh, okay. So what actually happened?” I glared at him,

“Nothing important! What does it matter?” I was about ready to get up and leave when he said-

“Leona, I know damn well you’re not drinking for fun. And if you go home and your wife finds out you’re back on the booze for no reason, it’s my ass on the line.” My eyes widened in surprise and his grin never fell. “So tell me. What’s wrong?”

I was… frozen. I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t tell him. I can’t tell anyone… except my wife… she’ll like that story, even if I don’t.

“During the Northumbria campaigns…” He started talking, pulling me out of my stupor. His voice was dark and rough, and he stared off into the distance. “I was given an order to… to…” He stopped and took a long swig of booze. “The upper brass knew we were fucked, so they ordered us to slaughter the prisoners. The hostages.” I remembered that look in his eye I saw not too long ago… and noted that this one looked identical. “I think about them every day, Leona.”

Something told me he was broken goods trying to fix fucked merchandise. “It doesn’t get any easier… does it?” I handed him a cigarette which he took with a smile.

“Not really.” I lit his cigarette then lit one for myself. I took a deep drag.

“Then why do you go on?” I asked him, “Why are you still fighting?” He just shrugged.

“Stubbornness, I suppose. Or maybe it’s so others don’t have to?”

I smiled, remembering something I said to myself often. “You gotta do what ya’ gotta do.”

Ulysses chuckled. “Something like that… Is that pub still open?” That was music to my ears. I stood up and with a wide grin, held out a hand for him to pull himself up. “Let’s get some drinks, boss.” He said with a smirk.

I gave a mock, half assed salute. “Sir, yes sir!” I turned my salute into a middle finger and we shared a laugh.

We walked back to the pub and as an afterthought, I hoped it wasn’t completely full.

The place was full of soldiers by now. Ulysses turned to me and asked, “When did you order a full coup and military occupation of the bar?” I looked at him and belted out laughter.

“Hey, watch this.” I said to him, I raised a fist in the air and yelled- “PROSPERITY!”

“PROSPERITY!”

“I don’t understand how you’re so good at getting people to go along with your bullshit.” Ulysses said, and I shrugged.

“It helps if you carry a big gun.” I said, making my way towards my table.

I hopped back onto my spot in the booth. “Wait, who the fuck drank my whiskey?” I pointed an accusatory finger around the booth, and my comrades looked at me incredulously.

“You drank it. Before you left.” Adrian said, his voice flat and full of disappointment.

I just snorted and laughed. “Oh, yeah. Sorry!” I raised a hand in the air, “Ay, can I get anotha’ round over here!?” The waitress came around and took the empty glass away. “Actually, can we get six shots of absinthe too?” I yelled at her, and she turned her head and nodded.

“Absinthe? Really?” Adrian asked, and Rosco just cocked an eyebrow.

“Tha’ sounds like poison.” I rolled my eyes.

“Trust me, it’s delicious.” was all I said, giggling like a dork. Sinan just looked at me with a smile.

“Is this your first time getting drunk or something?” I just snorted and rolled my eyes.

“Oh, God no. In fact, I can probably outdrink most of you. It’s just been awhile since I could let loose like this.”

Fin spoke up and said “Cheers, I’ll drink to that,” before taking her glass and proceeding to drink to that. I assume she thinks I meant a week, since that’s when they could let themselves loose.

The waitress brought our drinks and a bottle. She laid out six shot glasses and filled each one.

“Cheers!”

“What’re we cheerin’?” Fin asked, and I shrugged.

“I dunno.” I said, slamming my shot back. WOAH, THE BURN! God, how it burns!

Everyone else had similar reactions.

“What the fuck, Leona!?” Adrian spoke up, his bluntness making my full-on belly laugh.

Sinan was just lightly pounding the table. “It tastes like a raw potion, what the fuck…”

“Lemme get another!” I said to the waitress, who poured another. My crew looked utterly disturbed at this display of boozing as I slammed back the next shot. I took a deep breath and looked the waitress in the eye.

“So who’s carrying her home tonight?” Adrian asked, looking at me with wide eyes.

Wordlessly, I grinned like a madwoman and held the glass out.

“You share a tent with her, do you not?” Sinan said with a smirk.

The shot was poured and I downed my third shot of absinthe.

The twins were both giggling. “Yeah, you go girl!” Fin yelled out. Rosco was just shaking his head in disbelief.

Just for good measure, I decided to polish off my entire glass of whiskey in one go. “Shee, guys!” I said, swaying. “I’m fiiiiine!”

That was the last thing I remembered doing. They must have kicked me out eventually, because when I came to I was walking down an alley. I must have gotten lost. And this alley was oddly long and unfathomably high. When I reached the end, I witnessed streets of yellow brick and-

When did I get home? I was in our room in the castle. When did I get… the baby! I ran to the living room excitedly, never mind the fact that our room has no living room attached.

“Dee!” She was there, holding our child in her arms. That’s right, she did talk about kids before I left! I guess she went ahead with it? I was too happy to question things, though. The little infant was resting in her arms, wrapped in yellow cloth. I couldn’t see it under the wrap.

Dee seemed unhappy. “What’s wrong?” I asked her, and her glare terrified me.

“You’ve been drinking again!” I began to sweat, eyes darting from side to side. I heard a baby crying which sent a shiver up my spine like lightning.

“B-but I-” I stuttered pathetically. In her rage, my wifes face seemed to… to melt. As though she were a wax figure under a lamp.

“YOU KILLED HER!” The crying intensified and I tried to cover my ears- but it was futile. The demon posing as my wife approached where I sat petrified on the floor. “IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT!” The demon sounded nothing like her, yet it sounded exactly like her.

Then, she held the baby to my face and I screamed. It was that little diamond dog pup- with the bloody eyes and chest covered in viscera. The baby started screeching at me like a demon and I quietly begged for mercy.

I woke up to the sound of a tea kettle going off outside my tent. I held a hand to my chest, my heart pounding like machine gun fire. I growled in annoyance, clutching my aching skull.

“What the fuck?” I asked, wondering what all the ruckus was. Jos just looked at me concerned.

“You alright? You was makin’ a fuss in there.” I just shrugged and grumbled.

“Nightmare. Real bad. Gotta pee.” was all I could mutter out before stumbling off to the latrine. While doing my business I checked my pocket watch to find that I hadn’t wound it, so it was no good. Looking up at the sky I realized- it was ten in the morning.

Fuck.

I pocketed my useless watch and got to it. We had to move if we had any hope of keeping up the momentum, and to do that, I needed maps. First thing on the list was to hunt Ulysses down. Thankfully, it wasn’t too difficult- he was sitting in his tent writing something.

“‘Bout time you showed up.” He said, that gruff voice of his grating on my hangover addled brain. He handed me a bottle of rye, which I quaffed with gusto.

“Thanks, bud.” I said to him, taking my seat across from him.

“You do realize when we start travelin’, you won’t be able to carry enough booze to last you.” I just sighed in annoyance.

“I know. I’ve sort of come to the realization that I won’t be able to booze it up nearly as much as I wanted to. All the better- we got shit to do.” I popped a couple tylenol and lit up a smoke. “We got a dog for me to interrogate yet?”

“Not until noon.” He said, continuing whatever he was writing. “Until then, take a load off. Someone’ll find you- just don’t wander too far.” He said. I simply nodded and turned to take my leave- when I had a second thought.

“Ulysses?” I asked him. He looked up, cocking an eyebrow. “Do you ever have bad dreams?” He snorted.

“All the time.” I glanced off to the side and nodded. I wanted to say something, to ask for help… anything, really.

I just left, deciding to just curl up in my tent.

For fuck sakes, this is the first battle of a long campaign, I can’t be like this. I have killed so. Many. people. So fucking many! And I knew from the get go that the gas would be indiscriminate, that’s the whole point! I don’t understand what came over me down there. Maybe sensory deprivation caused by the sheer darkness and the mask muffling sound made me hallucinate a baby crying?

Then I thought about that nightmare. God, it was all so vivid- it felt like I was really there. I could feel the disappointment, the betrayal, the rage in her voice. I grabbed that picture of us out of my helmet, looking at her beautiful, smiling face…

Tears rolled down my beak as the image of her wrath was burned into my brain. I clutched the photograph to my chest. “I-I’m s-s-orry…” I whined out, my voice cracking terribly. God, I am such a fuck up. Couldn’t even stay off the booze for the love of my life.

I can’t let this get out of hand. At the very least, I have to try and keep sober, at least until nighttime. I can’t lose her, I can’t I can’t I can’t…

“Leona? Are you alright?” I heard the voice of Adrian, pulling me out of my self pity. I sniffed, realizing that I’d been crying.

“Y-yeah, I’m good.” I lied, blowing my nose on a handkerchief and wiping the tears off my face.

“But… you were in her crying, muttering I can’t lose her, you are clearly not okay.” I just groaned in annoyance.

“Lay off, wouldya? I was having a bad dream.” I tried to push past him but he bodyblocked me.

“If that was a bad dream, then what you had last night was a full on night terror.” I just sighed in annoyance, rubbing my forehead. He just huffed.

“Alright I admit, I can’t get the mental image of that baby out of my head. Happy?” He looked at me sternly, then huffed.

“If you ever wish to speak to any of us, you’re welcome to. We’re all… disturbed by what we saw. What we did.” He turned to leave, then added, “And take my advice. Unrestrained boozing is unbefitting of an up and coming politician. The last thing you need is to destroy that ‘local legend’ status that you’re garnering for yourself.” And on his way out, “See Ulysses, soon as you can.”

I couldn’t help but sigh. He’s absolutely correct- I’d have to be careful. Public boozing like I used to in Ponyville would be a no-go. And had it been that long? The sun was indeed above our heads. Time flies when you’re wallowing in self pity, I guess.

In Ulysses’ tent, there were four diamond dogs, bound by rope and gagged. I turned to Ulysses and asked, “Where we goin’ next?”

“Glenwell.” I simply nodded and looked at the dogs, mentally preparing myself.

Swish!

It was second nature at this point. The map of Glenwell is a little more… advanced, apparently. The main entrance was basically a stone hole in the bottom of Ironglen with a horizontal portcullis, which could be activated to stop any would-be intruders in their tracks. This was actually quite ingenious- you would have to find a way to turn a traditional siege weapon sideways to even attempt breaking the gate down.

The actual mines themselves branch off to the left and right sides of the valley. Since this place is more well established, there was definitely a hint of aesthetic design and relative luxury here. For example, tartan pattern rugs covered the walls, while others were carved with art or stories. There seemed to be a sort of pub as well. Since I decided to be more specific with my digging, I’d figured out where the living area was as well.

One thing I never realized was just how much the depression affected them as well. Rather than one large room like Goldcairn was, there were several apartments or barracks dug out towards the north and south end; though they were so sparsely furnished, it was hard to imagine them sleeping anywhere but the floor. And there wasn’t nearly enough space for the supposed population of the place- and when I asked the dog, he said that it wasn’t uncommon for some of these rooms to have ten inhabitants.

The more I look into it, the more it seems that the diamond dogs lived in utter squalor. Why? And how deep does the problem go? This forced isolationism, is it a pride thing? Ideology? Perhaps they functioned off some sort of failing collectivism, where the leader lives the high life while everyone else is forced to toil away for the state.

Actually, no, that’s a dumb description. That’s how all governments work. But what I mean is that these dogs seemingly have no prospects in life but to work in the mines or to act as the guard.

“Correct, monster.” I stared him in the eye, my tongue still firmly attached to his brain. “Ye brainsuckin’ yellow demon queen. I wish a word with ya.” He said. Neither of us spoke via mouth- it was all brain to brain.

“What do you want?” I asked him cautiously, not sure why I was playing into this.

“Revolution.” Was all he said, and I paused to think.

“You… you want me to help you?” He growled in annoyance.

“Not really. But I also see I dinnae have a choice. What ye did was unforgivable- but I can look past it to both our benefit.” I glanced off to the side.

“I’m planning a bit of a coup myself, after which I was gonna install a puppet government over your clan. I was serious about that infrastructure stuff, too.”

“A diamond dog government? My people won’t listen to a griffon in charge of them.” I then discovered an important limitation to memory talking.

“So you put a loyal mutt on top instead. Hmmmm…”

“I heard that.” My eyes widened and I blushed a little. “Ah refuse to be a loyal mutt, but… but if we work together, we may bring on a new era of prosperity. For both our people’s. Come on- let's shake on it.” He was smirking and I couldn’t help but mirror the expression.

Schlick! Sluuurp! My vision spun like it often did when I pulled my tongue. I just had to stay lucid for a few more moments.

I undid the rope that bound his arms, to the shock of Ulysses and the guard, who pointed his rifle at the dog. They said something, but I’m not sure what.

He rose to his full size, which bipedally was almost twice my height. He held his hand out and I shook it.

“Leona. Leona Grimfeather.”

“Bruce, of Hypogean Loch. Call me Bruce.”

Then, I felt a strange sensation all over my body and I found myself on the floor- but I didn’t remember falling.

“You alright? You just had a small seizure there.” Ulysses asked, hand held out, which I took.

“Yeah… what…” A searing pain shot through my skull, and I almost yelled from the pain. “Bed. Now.” my back left leg was completely numb too, so I could barely walk. “Explain later. Don’t kill Bruce.” Was all I muttered as Ulysses walked my back to my tent.

Ugh. I gotta see a doctor sometime. Probably after the war I’ll get around to it.

Viking Death March

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The next morning I felt quite refreshed, despite how much shit I had to do. I was wearing my clothes and my armor, excluding the mask, since we’d be leaving sometime today. I just had to talk strategy with Ulysses and Bruce first.

We sat in a circle in his tent.

“So let’s start with the obvious. The butterfly shaped design of Glenwell is ideal for a pincer attack… but it’s gonna be an uphill battle.” In the center was a paper map, roughly sketched out. “As I showed you, Ulysses- the points where we’d enter are actually deeper than the entrance. Much deeper. So we’re not gonna just be able to let the gas roll down hill like in Goldcairn.”

Bruce snorted. I rolled my eyes and said to him,

“Bruce. Tell me about this boogaloo you’ve been planning.” He cocked an eyebrow in confusion before deciding that asking wasn’t worth it.

“Originally, I’d planned to bring my men and meet up with my cousin, Duncan; the Chief of Hypogean Loch. From there, we’d storm Glenwell with the ultimatum of join or die, continuin’ this march until we had enough dogs to storm the capital at Copseburgh.” Ah, French style. Very classy, tasteful even. He then added, “Glenwell is barely a five hours walk east from the Loch.”

“Oh, wonderful. That’s about what I was planning anyway.” He just snorted at me.

“Was killin’ innocent pups part of the plan?”

That… struck a nerve. I glared at him and grabbed his collar, yanking him down to my eye level.

“You listen here you little fuck. You are only alive right now because our ultimate goals align, capische?” I said to him, growling faintly. “You signed the treaty. You are ours now, whether you like it or not.” I never did explain that clause, did I?

“So here’s what’s gonna happen. We are going to take rulership over your clan and install you as a puppet. You may lead however you choose and you will have the full power and might of the crown to protect you.” I explained, before letting go of his collar and saying something that would make any libertarian reading this shit a brick in anger. “You just have to pay your taxes and follow our laws. All our laws, even ones you don’t agree with.” I think a bit of good ol’ Roman conquering would be in order. I lit up a cigarette and took a deep drag before continuing.

“So what I’m planning is that after we depose the old rule and put you in place you’ll do whatever you can to appease your people. We’ll help with that- I know for a fact that we already ordered in a shipment of cots for your people in Goldcairn, so they’ll have that to look forward to. But after I take the crown of Fertilia, we’re gonna be taking a more… hands on approach to governing.”

“Ye offer an olive branch in one hand and brandish a knife in the other. And what happens if I refuse? Better, what’s stoppin’ me from betrayin’ you?”

I just shrugged. “Then your people won’t even have the illusion of being ruled by their own. With or without your cooperation, this campaign marches ever onward.” I fully expect his betrayal in the future. “All the meanwhile, our efforts will improve the standard of living for your people, and we’ll take all the credit. I’m a generous motherfucker, so you can even exaggerate how much of a hand you had in these ‘negotiations’.”

Remember, the only reason I’m keeping him around is so that the Diamond Dogs at least have the illusion of self governance; at least until I turn it into a secret police state.

Call me cautious or overbearing. Personally, I believe that letting them govern themselves is a terrible idea and in fact is what got us in this situation in the first place. Ideally, you’d just put a loyal puppet on top but quite frankly, I doubt there’s a single diamond dog who will be loyal to a griffon. The solution is to make ‘em an offer they can’t refuse.

Once again, I would be using herd mentality to my advantage. As pack creatures, diamond dogs hold their leaders, generically called “alpha” in high regard. Presumably the strongest warrior out of a lineage of warriors, the dogs bow to their will out of fear of repercussion. But just like ancient men tamed great wolves, so too shall I tame these dogs. I’m just gonna need a lot of rolled up newspapers.

I honestly don’t think it’ll be a permanent struggle, though- I’m hoping that in a couple generations at worst, they’ll start growing complacent as improving infrastructure and modern civilization cropping up around industry allows them to have the quality of life to invest in education and sciences.

Who knows? Maybe in 100 years, they’ll be our equals in terms of industry. Or maybe someday, some griffon will figure out nuclear energy, and we won’t even need coal anymore? But either way, like Adrian said- progress is better than none, and clearly no progress has been made to breach the isolationist diamond dogs until now.

“Back to the topic at hand,” Ulysses said, turning to Bruce. “You and a team of 20 of your men will join us on this campaign in case any negotiations must be made. You will be given tents and some rations to share like all the rest of us; though I do recommend packing your own. We won't supply you any gems to eat. You may bring swords, but crossbows or bows are forbidden,” He explained simply.

“An’ what about the thunderpipes?” Bruce asked, referring to my gun.

“Oh, that reminds me.” I said, turning to Ulysses- “Any diamond dog found with a firearm in their possession is to be shot on sight.” I really, really didn’t think that the diamond dog's massive paws would be able to handle a firearm with the proper care and respect it deserves.

Besides that- why would I give away my favorite equalizer?

“If that will be all, dismissed. Prepare yourselves, we’ll be leaving in two hours.” He said, and I wasted no time.

The rest of the campaign will be like Sherman’s march to the sea. We’ll go forth and keep going until victory is achieved. Since most of these locations will be in the mountainous regions of Nalot, with many of the griffon roads overgrown from neglect, the large bulk of our rations will be carried on wagons behind us, pulled by paid workers. It was a delicate balance to strike- so in case things get hazy, I was gonna pack me some booze for the road. That said- we would still be making some small stops in Nalot for resupply and morale purposes.

While I cannot publicly advocate for it, hookers work wonders for keeping soldier’s morale up. I’m just sayin’. Support local businesswomen in this tryin’ time.

Of course- I also had other plans in mind. I had to write a letter to my wife.

Hey, baby! The first battle went quite well. You’re gonna love it- their screams were like-

My breath hitched in my throat. I took a long gulp of whiskey from a pint bottle.

music to my ears.

My pen hovered over the paper. I wanted to write all the details, everything she would’ve loved to know. I couldn’t, not so soon.

Though we may be apart for now, you’ve been on my mind constantly. Even when I’m dreaming, I still see your face.

I wrote this while grimacing, having been reminded of that awful nightmare.

You wanna know something wild? I had a dream the other night where we had a kid!

I wasn’t gonna go into the details, obviously.

Do you think you’d rather have a son or a daughter? Personally, I’d rather have a daughter. Imagine how fun it’ll be to teach her how to pick pockets, beat up boys and shoot guns… Damn you for making me think about having kids!

God, even writing to you makes me wish you were here even more. All in time, though.

Excellent job with the posters, if that was your doing. Anything to get my face out there. I even did an impromptu balcony speech the other day! Keep doing what you're doing and everything will fall into place.

Speaking of which- I was thinking we needed a symbol to associate with our movement. I’m thinking of using the Yellow Sign, though in truth, I’m not sure why I feel so inclined to do so. I was even thinking of a flag design- I’m thinking all black with a white circle, with the yellow sign in the middle. Also, another thing- the motto of our little thing here is PROSPERITY, usually with a fist in the air. It’s become pretty popular after I pulled it out of my ass during a balcony speech. Tangent over.

I love you with all my heart, darling. Stay safe.

Your love, Leona.

With that, I posted the letter and headed back to camp, where the boys and I got packed up. I felt safe enough including that little info in the letter, I suppose.

The next few days of travel were quite calm, considering the fact that there was an active war going on. Already, the fruits of our labor were apparent when we passed several carts full of confiscated gold ore heading back towards Ravenna.

You may be wondering why we have free reign through Nalot; well simply put, the Queen of Nalot doesn’t really want to involve herself in the war effort, since most of her GDP is generated through Equestrian trade. We’ve essentially been given the go ahead to do whatever we wanted with the dogs since the queen refused to be informed of what’s happening, as she seems to think that would absolve her of guilt by association.

Something we’d use to our advantage.

We traveled and made a brief stop at Goldcairn, where Bruce picked up his “ambassadors” for Hypogean Loch. My plan to get them in line would be quite… simple. It was a couple days of traveling, which thankfully, no worms got in our bread.

You know, it’s funny. I brought all this booze and I’ve hardly had any time at all to drink. Like, I want to drink but my exhaustion seems to outweigh any craving. Fuck it, I’ll take it.

Hypogean Loch was exactly what you’d think of it- it was a mid-sized diamond dog warren centered around a massive underground freshwater well. Of course, I never bothered to look at it myself- but from what people have told me, it’s quite beautiful.

Above the warren is a large field, which we demanded that whatever standing army they had stand in wait in groups of 10. They were convinced to do this after Bruce told his cousin exactly what happened at Goldcairn.

When I addressed them, there were about three hundred in total- outgunned and outnumbered. They glared at me with hate and disdain. They would never follow me willingly- I would change that.

“Greetings, MacDoggal clan.” I addressed them with a cocky smile, as I often did. We had them utterly surrounded- they wouldn’t try anything. “You may be wondering our intentions. Well, wonder no more. Simply put, we wish to assist you in this revolution your people have been working on.” I said, and was met with utter silence.

“Tough crowd. Ulysses- start passing around buckets.” A simple bucket was passed to each unit of 10 soldiers. Each one had 10 strips of white paper, one of which had a red dot.

“But of course, if we wish to assist you, which believe me, we do… I simply must determine where your loyalties lie. So, we’re gonna have a fun little lotto to settle things!” I yelled out. “Each group member is to draw one piece of paper. Once that is done, you’ll be herded group by group to the loyalty test.”

After a few minutes of waiting, I pulled one group to the side. They seemed furious and I couldn’t quite blame them. A company of fifty soldiers held their rifles on the dogs.

“Whoever drew the red dot is to be murdered by their compatriots. Take as much time as you need to say goodbyes.” I said, and instantly chaos fell on the group. Protests and shouts of anger, calls for all out war, calls for violence and rape… must be silenced.

I raised my hand in the air.

Snap.

B-BAN-BANGBANGBANG-BANGBA-BABABABABANG!

Fifty bullets shredded through the ten dogs, all of which were various states of armored and fell like bricks. A chilling silence descended upon the dogs- I think they’ve finally realized that I wasn’t fucking around.

“Clean this up, Fifth Company. Swap out for Seventh, and don’t forget to reload.” I said to my men, who saluted and obeyed. I paused to let the situation really sink in for these dogs.

“Another group.” I yelled out. This time, I didn’t even have to force any particular one. The one dog seemed particularly pale and shaky. “Same as before. Whichever unlucky bastard who drew red dies today. Take the time to mourn or not, I don’t give a shit.”

Afraid of what would happen if they took too long, the soldiers started savagely beating their compatriot. He begged and cried for mercy and received none, instead only gaining more savagery in return. Eventually, he stopped struggling and a blanket of depression and melancholy descended on the bunch.

“Drag him away and make way for another.” I commanded, and they obeyed without question. This repeated for what felt like ages. I’ll be honest- there were times when someone was getting beaten and they’d cry out for their mothers, their wives… their pups. It always struck a nerve with me, so that I couldn’t help but look away when they started begging to see their family again.

Eventually about three quarters of the way through, something interesting happened. This group looked little different than the others- a group of 10 terrified diamond dogs, with one looking particularly crestfallen. This time though, there was an addition- one diamond dog who, despite his short stature, walked with a certain bravado which I couldn’t help but admire.

“Whoever pulled red, you probably shouldn’t have gotten out of bed this morning.” I said like clockwork, a cigarette lazily sitting in my beak. The crestfallen one lowered his head with a sigh- but the short guy spoke up.

“No! Take me instead. He’s a stronger warrior than I.” The guy was definitely an adult- just one with a heightened sense of bravado. “I will be less useful in the comin' battle.” The rest of his compatriots looked surprised, and then shrugged.

“Wait.” I said, halting the inevitable beatdown. “That was… quite selfless. Brave, really.” I had a smug grin on my face, which the dog matched. I looked to the crowd of remaining soldiers, and saw them looking at the guy with approval.

“The world needs more brave men like you.” I said to him with a wide grin, leading him away from the group. I raised my hand.

“And the world needs less cowards like them.” I said, snapping my fingers.

B-BAN-BANGBANGBANG-BANGBA-BABABABABANG!

The dog looked on in utter horror at what I ordered. “B-but… N-no! No!” He stuttered out, literally shaking. All with that one move, I’ve turned what would’ve made him into a folk hero into a social pariah, since the deaths of those men would be seen as partially his fault.

Once the population of MacDoggal soldiers was finally decimated and broken, I once again addressed them with a smile. This time, they looked at me with fear, as though I were the devil himself standing before them.

“Nothing like a good team building exercise to get to know each other better, huh?” I asked them sarcastically- even their eyes were practically pleading for mercy. “Do not worry. We will assist in defeating your oppressive ruling class and bring prosperity to both our nations. Until then, do as we say.” I explained to them, and many of them nodded wearily. I gave them a… a warm smile, or at least, the best as I could, and summoned Bruce to stand beside me.

“Make no mistake, Bruce here is the brains behind this whole operation.” I said, and he interrupted me,

“Murderin’ soldiers an’ pups was not part of the plan, I assure you.” I growled in annoyance. And the crowd glanced around nervously.

“Yes, but it was an unintentional side effect.” I said through a grit beak, then shook my head. “Anyways… Bruce here will be your leader. Any orders given go through him.” Once again, I smiled. “Don’t think of me as your leader. Think of me as your… Godmother. I’m here in case something were to happen to Bruce, capische?” I asked, and received several weary nods.

Heh. Godmother. Not gonna lie, I kind of like that as a title. Godmother Leona, the Boss of all Bosses.

“Pack ample rations. We’ll camp for tonight then we’ll take Glenwell in the morning.” I yelled out, “MOVE IT!”

I knew I really wouldn’t have the time, but fuck it. I was getting drunk tonight. Big Time. We all were- after marching from The Loch, we’d set up camp a not too inconsiderable distance from our target. It wasn’t too different from most nights, except for the three hundred odd diamond dogs with us, camping in their own quadrant of the area.

They kept to themselves and we avoided them. We were happy with that arrangement.

After dinner, I pulled up a log for me to rest against and kicked back with a sigh. I took my kit off at this point, so I was basking in the warmth of a fire.

“You know what’d make this better?” I asked Adrian rhetorically before pulling a pint bottle of Rotgut out of my pack. The cork popped with a satisfying noise that sent a chill up my spine, and I gulped its contents with gusto. I was in a fantastic mood, putting an arm behind my head to rest my neck… until Rosco decided to speak up.

“So are we not gonna talk about what happened today?” He asked with a sense of exasperation in his voice, and I shrugged.

“I’d rather not. Why would you?” I asked, punctuating my sentence with a sip.

“He’s right! What we did today was abhorrent!” Adrian spoke up in agreement, and I sighed in annoyance.

“It was evil, but a necessary evil. Remember- I don’t just want to undo what they did. I want to make sure this never happens again, at least not in our lifetimes.” I explained simply, staring off into the sky. The sound of a diamond dog begging for his mother rang out through my mind, causing me to grimace.

“And remember- we’re doing this so our kids won’t have to.” I said with a sigh, and Sinan agreed.

“She’s right. This war was gonna happen one way or another, it was simply a matter of picking the most convenient time.”

“And finances- for which my wife is an unsung hero.” I said, bringing her up to take my mind off the screaming. “Seriously, this war has largely been a financial effort. I couldn’t have done it without her.” I said with a nostalgic smile.

“Bottom line is, Rosco,” Jos spoke up, “They pulled the first gun but we fired the first bullet.” Fin simply nodded in agreement.

“Just do what I do when you’re having issues.” I added, “When you’re having trouble, just think of your wife and your daughter. Seriously, that’s what I do. It helps.” I said, grabbing my helmet and flashing our photo a wide grin. “Maybe try getting yourself a hobby?” I suggested.

“Hobby? What’s your hobby?” He asked, and I raised the pint in the air.

“Drinkin’.” I took a sip of whiskey. “Say, want a drink?” I asked him, and he grinned.

“Heh, Ah’d love a drink!” So I handed him the half empty pint and pulled a full one out of my bag.

“Cheers.” I said, taking a long swig. Rosco just shrugged and polished off the bottle.

The rest of the night continued on in this unassured melancholy combined with heavy boozing. I think in time, we’ll get it figured out. Hopefully. But let’s just focus on the now.

We’d be storming Glenwell tomorrow, after all.

Last Dying Breath

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I can’t believe how much I hate everything. I ate my breakfast hungover and barely alive this morning. Well, well, well. If it isn’t the immediate consequences of my actions.

That said, I decided to be quiet and observant for the rest of the trip to try and take my mind off things. I missed my wife, I missed home, I missed good food, and I missed my own bed and all the kinky sex I’d have on it. And God help me when I go into heat- I won’t even be able to properly get myself off what with Adrian and I sharing a tent.

Ugh. Either way.

Something interesting I found out about the diamond dogs- they can just eat their hardtack as is! It makes sense- their teeth and jaws strong enough to break rock make them a perfect match for our bread. Sometimes I’d see them crushing up gems into a sort of dust then adding them to a pan with flour and water, creating a sort of “jam” which could be spread on the crackers. So that was neat.

Back to relevant information. Honestly, the only reason we brought the dogs along was for two main reasons. Reason one being that if things really go to shit, they can join in on the melee. But again- things would really have to fall to pieces for it to get that bad.

But the primary use is as a sort of warning. They’re instructed to contact the dogs of this warren to convince them to lay down their arms. This is… an act of mercy on my part. At the very least, it would hopefully convince them, or at least give them a chance to evacuate the civilians.

It would soon be midday, and once again we found ourselves munching away at our pemmican ration, only the mood upon the group was far more somber than the last time we were in this situation. We were waiting on our signal- either a volley of fire telling us to charge in or silence until nightfall will let us know we struck a peace deal.

Somehow, I don’t think this one will be as bloodless. Rosco, the twins, and I have been passing a bottle of liquor between us to ease our nerves and Sinan has been chain smoking since we got here. Not even good ones- he was smoking the cigarettes from our ration barrel, which we’ve dubbed “sandpaper cigarettes” or “sandpapers.”

“Well, here we are again.” Adrian said to himself, idly staring off into the distance. “About to descend into darkness once more. This time though- we won’t have the element of surprise.” He said, and I sighed.

“Yeah, yeah. Not the smartest thing I’ve done tactically but… Fuck, I just felt bad for ‘em.” The decision was… quite unpopular. Especially amongst the line fighters, who were never actually in the gas, nor did they ever have to see… to see…

Fuck.

Jos just snorted. “You still on about that crap?” She asked, taking a sip of the bottle. I huffed in annoyance.

“Yes, I am. I can’t help the fact that I see that... that carrion thing every time I try to sleep.” Of course, Adrian just had to give his opinion on the matter.

“I know. You mumble in your sleep.” He said, gaze never leaving the horizon.

“Shush.” I pocketed the bottle, figuring that getting absolutely shitfaced wouldn’t be a great idea right now. I was fine with just being a little tipsy.

We heard the first volley fire in the distance, and we all sighed, putting our masks on tight. I signed the cross, as though that gesture had any meaning here. We dropped a gas can down and followed it after a minute. I struggled for breath against the charcoal filter of my gas mask, although I knew it was better than the alternative.

The cave we found ourselves in was dark as shit, and much like last time the lanterns only did so much. And like I mentioned before- we’d be fighting uphill, so waiting for the gas to flood ahead of us would be fruitless. We’d displace the oxygen with gas at that point.

“Adrian, Sinan. Cans on half.” I instructed them, making heavy use of gesticulation to make sure the point was crossed. They looked like demons when the cloud of green gas started flowing from their sides. “Let’s roll.” I said, gesturing for everyone else to follow.

Already, I realized that this battle would be hard fought. We heard shouting in the distance, carried by the echo of the cave. I turned to my compatriots and yelled, “Stay close! Let the gas do most of the heavy lifting!” I stroked the backstrap of my pistol with my thumb.

“URAAAA!” One of the dogs yelled, charging forward like a bull.

BANG!

I quickly sidestepped and shot him in the back- his shouts turned to coughing and hacking as gas filled his lungs. A few more dogs charged in like this and I realized their plan.

“THEY’RE TRYING TO SPLIT US UP SO THE GAS ISN’T AS CONCENTRATED!” I yelled as we made our way forward. The gas and the darkness made seeing an almost impossibility, so there were many close calls with these chargers- who often charged with their sword on their back on all fours, relying on a small spiked shield to do most of the damage.

“Look out!” I heard Jos yell too late as I was barely able to dodge this one. He clipped my side pretty well, the point of his shield leaving a dent in my armor that poked my side.

“YOU FUCK!” I yelled at the dog before-
BANG!

-putting a bullet in the back of his head. I holstered that pistol and swapped for another one.

“FUCK IT!” I heard Adrian scream at the top of his lungs. “GOING SLOW ISN’T WORKING!” He yelled, to the surprise of all of us. We’d never heard him yell like this!

“Adrian, the fuck you thinking?” I asked him,

BANG!

Shooting a dog that was charging right at his side. He stopped and looked down at the corpse… then looked deeper into the cave… then shrugged.

He raised his cutlass in the air heroically. “SINAN! FULL GAS, BOTH TANKS!” He screamed at the top of his lungs, and Sinan paused, regarding him with confusion. I looked at Sinan with a wide grin.

“Do it.” I couldn’t see his face, but I could see him nodding.

After using his cutlass to aerate a dogs neck artery, he raised his sword to the sky.

“FOR THE MOTHERLAND!” He screamed, charging forward like an utter lunatic.

“FOLLOW HIM!” I yelled, and we all gave chase to our compatriot. The twins were laughing like madwomen, Rosco gave a Yee haw! And Sinan… didn’t say anything aloud, but his overall stature and demeanor matched our hype.

“FIGHT LIKE DEMONS!” I heard him yelling, and I cranked one of my gas tanks on for support. The room we charged into was in utter chaos- dogs ran in fear, some stayed to fight, many got trampled by retreating soldiers. With the line having been breached, many dogs drew their claymores. It was utter chaos- my senses were being drowned out by screams and gunfire in every direction.

Fin was fighting dogs off in melee while Jos provided her support with her pistols. Eventually, Jos commandeered the blunderbuss since Fin hadn’t used it all that much. Watching Sinan fight with a sword was like watching a ballet- the way he moved was so smooth and elegant, like a ballerina. Meanwhile, Rosco was providing fire support for Sinan. As usual, I fought with a combination of the two, but mostly favored my pistols because I was good with them.

But Adrian? He fought like hell. Somehow, I saw him break away from the rest of us and was fighting off three dogs at once. He was constantly moving, rolling around and dodging swings from their massive swords- so massive in fact that it was kinda disadvantageous. I drew my pistol and shot two of them,

BANG! BANG!

As Adrian finished the last one off by putting his cutlass through the dog's heart.

“Cover me for a minute!” I said to him, “Gotta reload!” He nodded and began fighting at my back while I started the process of pouring powder, wad, ball and wad into eight different barrels.

“You done yet!?” He yelled, slicing a dogs throat open.

“Finally!” I yelled back, having primed the last of my pistols. I then decided to celebrate the occasion-

BANG!

By shooting a dog that was charging towards Adrian. “You're welcome.” I said to him with a smug grin.

“BEHIND” He yelled and pointed at me, and I-

Clang!

Fell to my side as a massive diamond dog pummeled into me. He had me pinned and I struggled fiercely. He looked furious- mouth covered in a damp, bloody cloth and the front of his chest was covered in blood. It dripped down and smeared against the lens of my mask.

I put my arms up defensively, “NOT THE FACE!” I yelled,

BANG! The deafening report of a blunderbuss let me know that the situation was over. I kicked the dog off of me and took a look around.

I heard Adrian scream.

“Shit, I’m coming!” In the gas, I could barely make him out. I shot a dog and saw that Adrian was doubled over, clutching two hands to the left side of his face. Fuck!

BANG! I shot a nearby dog and approached my apparently hurt friend. I looked to him for an explanation.

“Hit. Broke the lens.” He said, tearing off a piece of his cloak and shoving it in the hole.

“Ffffaaagh!” He half yelled half groaned, the residual gas on the yellow cloak getting into any open wounds and burning like hell. That eye was fucked. I went up to his side and offered him help.

“Come on, I’ll make sure you get back safe.”

“Are you kidding me?” He asked incredulously. “I can still fight!” He said, to my utter disbelief.

“But-but your eye-” I stuttered,

“Is gone!” He said, pulling himself from my grasp. “But damnit, I’m still breathing!” he yelled. At this point, the number of soldiers had thinned considerably so there was more breathing room. I regarded him with a smile.

“Good man, good man.” I said, taking the time to reload my pistol. Once I was done, Adrian looked at me and said,

“What’re we waiting for? Those fuckers took my eye!” He yelled out, and I raised a fist in triumph.

“LET’S GOOOO!” I yelled, and we all charged forward.

Forget any notions of mercy. Forget any notions of caution. We fought off an army and they were on the run, tails between their legs. Or so we thought.

We met up with other stormtroopers at about a halfway point where the mine path delta’s off. At this point, morale and hype were high.

Then, we heard something. A faint droning in the distance. A whine almost- as though a thousand souls screaming out in anguish as they burned. In the wide, empty, echoey caves, did they play the bagpipes. It sounded as though 100 pipes played in unison, and we were terrified.

I looked around to my compatriots in fear. “FULL GAS! FULL FUCKING GAS, EVERYONE!” I turned to Adrian with a deep breath and said, “Okay, so I’m thinking that if we make a tactical retreat here, we can make them follow us through the already gassed sections to whittle them down. What you think?” I asked him calmly.

Much to my surprise, Adrian ignored me. “SHOW NO MERCY! WE SHALL HOLD THE LINE!” He screamed, causing a chorus of Yeah!

“FOR THE MOTHERLAND! FOR PROSPERITY!”

“YEAH!”

“WE SHALL TAKE BACK WHAT IS OURS! WE ARE GRIFFONS!”

“YEAH!”

Just when I was about to ask Adrian if he’s completely fucking lost it, he yelled “CHAAAARGE!” and everyone else followed him like lemmings.

Fuck, fuck, this is bad… With no choice, I followed the charge. We faced the warriors in the gas, barely able to make each other out at this point. I guess this was the plan- keep pushing forward.

This whole plan… worked surprisingly well. Despite our inferior numbers, the cloud of gas was so thick that many of them started suffocating instantly. And we were constantly on the move, so we were leaving the thick cloud in our wake. I said hell with it to the pistols and instead drew my old dagger, using it to quickly dispatch them via slices to the neck.

“THEY’RE RETREATING! PUUUUUSH!” I heard Adrian scream, and I didn’t even take the time to process where I was in relation to the world as we made our final push to the middle. The portcullis which guarded the entrance hole was wide open as dogs scrambled to escape the carnage. We all turned off the gas before leaving.

The sun was up and we could finally see, so I took a look towards Adrian. He was… a bit worse for wear. He was breathing heavily, likely having breathed in gas accidentally. He was covered in cuts and slices, his armor full of dents, and he was covered in blood.

He approached the leader of the clan and said in a raspy voice, “Are you the alpha?” The dog, literally shaking, nodded slowly.

“Ah, wonderful.” He said before proceeding to beat the shit out of the poor bastard. “Leona? Where’s that treaty?” He asked, and I pulled it from its sealed wooden case and unrolled it. Adrian took it and threw it at the alpha, currently on the ground.

“Sign that. You don’t have a choice.” He said disdainfully. The dog seemed confused until I handed him a pen. Without even reading it, it was signed. “Well, I’d call that a roaring success.” He said, making his way towards the medical field. I decided to follow him.

As we walked, he took his helmet off, then his mask…

And I literally gasped at how bad he looked. The entire left side of his face was fucked- covered in chemical burns and with the eye completely destroyed, a shard of glass probably being the cause. He looked at the mask wistfully before putting it back into the little can it came in.

“Jesus Christ…” I muttered to myself upon seeing him. He just giggled.

“What? Do I have something on my face?” He asked, and I shook my head. “Come on, now. We all knew what we were signing up for.” I just huffed.

“Doesn’t make it any easier…” I muttered, idly rubbing the faint scar on my beak.

“Adrian!” I heard Sinan yell. We both turned around, and the rest of the yellow team gasped when they saw the state of him. Hell, all the stormtroopers were there.

“What’s all this about, then?” Adrian asked.

“You friggin’ serious?” Jos asked with a wide grin, “That thing you did back there was awesome!”

Adrian… blushed, giving the crowd a sheepish grin. “I uh… didn’t think what I did was that unusual…” He’d look pretty endearing if half his face wasn’t destroyed. Admittedly- he does look kinda hot, though.

“Are you kiddin’ me?” Rosco asked with a wide grin, patting Adrian on the back, “By doing that not unusual thing, we went from shittin’ ourselves to chargin’ in like lunatics!”

“He’s right.” I said, rubbing my chin. “In fact, I’m willing to bet we left a… good impression on our enemy.” Fin then spoke up,

“If what we did today convinces other diamond dogs to not fight, even better.” I snapped my fingers,

“Very true!” At this point, we finally made it to the hospital. All kinds of people were being treated- mainly dogs, though. As I would later find out, we lost four of our own today. Not bad, all things considered.

One glance at Adrian sent the doctor into overdrive, with the nurse dragging him away.

“GET WELL SOON, YA’ FUCK!” I yelled towards him with a wide grin. I turned to the doctor and asked how long for recovery- and he estimated about two weeks minimum.

Something told me the crazy bastard would be out before then, though. Hopefully, he’ll be all healed up before we hit Copseburgh, though. Even if these lesser warrens surrender, I somehow feel like the capitol will try its hardest to hold.

Here’s hoping. Gonna miss having him in my tent, though.

Stay With Me

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Aside from a few nicks, scrapes, and bruises, I was determined to be mostly alright. Which was good- after all, I still had to mete out these dogs' punishment for rebellion. See, there’s a very specific punishment for rebellion in Fertilia; in fact, the King told me this info- which I may just use to my advantage.

The military, utterly routed, broken, and humiliated, were pinned down by my army in the grass field before me, many having their heads held up by my men; their clean, bright yellow uniforms contrasting heavily with my gray armor and dirty yellow cape. Since most of their civilian populace was still trapped underground, the message would have to be passed to them later… didn’t mean I couldn’t give these fucks their punishment, though. They looked bad- many of them were missing limbs and covered in chemical burns or blinded from the chlorine and nearly every one of them wheezed pathetically through cloth gags. There were about 400 of them in total, and each one had a griffon on its back and its hands tied.

The alpha who Adrian beat the shit out of stood among the crowd too, and Bruce and his men were pre-emptively sent to the next location, Fennario, where these soldiers would soon be joining them. Most likely, they’ll be preparing to hold the line and mount a defense, which is what we were hoping for.

They’d be in for a shock.

“So, this is how it’s gonna be? We gave you a chance to surrender, and you chose to fight.” I yelled towards the crowd, a scowl on my face. “In my eyes, that is treason.” I yelled out, giving them a few seconds to think my words over.

“According to the treaty which your alpha signed-” The crowd turned to glare at the poor bastard. “Any previous actions against your nation, being Fertilia, and by extension, your Godmother… which is me, you will all be punished to the full extent allowed by The King.” I explained, and the crowd glanced around nervously.

“Not only have your actions caused unneeded pain and bloodshed, you have murdered four of our own, hitherto harmed many others, myself included, and permanently disfigured one of my best friends. That, I do not forgive.” I gesticulated precisely to get my point across, keeping my head held high and my face a cold, stern glare.

I walked closer to the crowd, to the dog in the very front left. The soldier on his back saluted me.

“Godmother.” The soldier said, and I blinked… then smirked. I didn’t intend for my own soldiers to call me that… but I wasn’t complaining.

“At ease.” I said, and nodded to the rest of my men. They got the hint. I looked at the soldier and handed him my dagger, saying, “Gouge both of his eyes, then assist him in grabbing onto the shoulders of the next one.” He looked at me blankly for a few seconds, before nodding and grabbing the dagger.

The dog squirmed and begged for mercy which he would never receive. The soldier effortlessly used the dagger to stab and pry the eyes out, the dog howling in pain as blood leaked from its sockets. The soldier swallowed and nodded.

“You may return to camp and rest. You’re doing great work, soldier.” I patted him on the shoulder and he kept that stern look. I think he might have been putting on a brave face.

The next soldier in line looked mortified. “You have your orders, soldier.” I said sternly, holding out the dagger. “You’ve made it this far, and this is hardly the worst thing we’ve done. And remember- the alternative is that we can just go home and let everything keep falling apart.” I said, and the soldier nodded shakily. She did the deed and her breath hitched in her throat.

This process went on until I reached the 50th dog. I held out the dagger and said, “This time, I only want you to gouge out a single eye.” The soldier cocked an eyebrow and nodded slowly, gouging out one eye. I smirked, looking at the conga line I’ve created.

About 50 dogs stood front to back, each one grabbing another's shoulders for dear life and howling in pain where they stood. Blood ran down their cheeks and I… I couldn’t help but love the sight, almost wanting to laugh at it.

What… I just don’t get it! Why did the Goldcairn massacre affect me so, yet this atrocity brings me laughter? Is it because this was a routed army and not a civilian populace? Is it because deep down, I know these ones would kill me if given the chance? Am I feeling righteous anger for what happened to Adrian? Have I finally gone mad!?

I don’t know… Maybe I should at least talk to a shrink once this is done.

Anyways, at the end we had eight of the most macabre, most miserable looking conga lines the world has ever seen. I addressed the line of half blind dogs.

“The goal is simple. Each of you are to lead the rest of your men to Fennario, where we will catch up within a week.” I produced a piece of white cloth and a letter. “This letter contains simple instructions on what to do to prepare for our visit. I hope your leaders can see reason.” The random dog I handed it to nodded rapidly.

“Now fuck off.” I said to them, and slowly while in much pain, they did just that. Another day, another tally on my list of war crimes.

Now, I had to address my men. I approached Ulysses in his tent. “Have the men gather somewhere. It’s time for a speech.” He nodded and I left wordlessly. It was getting late in the evening, so I decided to fly up and find a cloud to recollect my thoughts. My side was still sore from where I took that blow, so I laid on my other side for about 20 minutes, until the crowd seemed to be ready.

I was gonna have a sip for courage before I went down, but I said fuck it. I glided down from the cloud and landed in front of my men, who all greeted me with a mass salute.

“At ease!” I yelled out, greeting them with a grin. “First, I would like to express my gratitude to every brave griffon who fought and bled for your country. I would also like to remind you that not only are you doing this for your country- you’re doing it for your families at home. You’re doing it for the unborn children of the nation. You’re doing it… for those we’ve lost.” My voice softened considerably on that somber note.

“That said, it has come to my attention that some of you have begun to question the validity of such a conquest. Some of you are experiencing regret for what we’ve done so far. But I assure you- what we are doing is both necessary and pragmatic.” I said, and surveyed the crowd. Some of them seemed unsure, muttering amongst themselves.

“Evidently, some of you need a reminder of why we’re doing what we’re doing.” I said, making sure that the disappointment in my voice was quite apparent. “I’m gonna tell you all a story. A personal story; my story. Listen to my story, my tale of why I fight, then consider your own lives.” I said simply, and gave them a few moments to absorb my words.

“Growing up in Fertilia, I lived a happy life. I lived with my Mamma, whom I still love very much. We lived decently- Mamma had a job and I got good grades in school.” I could tell these guys whatever I wanted- after all, who was gonna deny these claims? “I was eight years old when everything ground to a halt because of these beasts. My world completely fell apart after that.” I noticed the sad looks some people in the crowd had- this must be working.

“We were forced to move out of the cottage I was born in to live in the slums. We had no hot water. We ate by candlelight to save money. Mamma worked two jobs so I made sure to keep the house clean, and cooked dinner for her. It wasn’t ideal, but we were making it.” I elaborated, and the crowd hung on to my every word.

“Then when Mamma lost one job and could only work half as many hours at the other, things really got difficult. I was forced to leave school and do whatever I could to bring home money. I worked whatever odd jobs I could. I was forced to steal. I was forced to lie. I… am not proud of this time in my life, though I recognize it as instrumental for forging me into the woman I am today.”

Solidarity- many of these people went through similar things as I did. We all knew what it was like to lose it all. Murmurs erupted from the crowd.

“When I was forced to move to Equestria, I thought my life was over. But then- I found my fortune.” The crowd swelled, “I built weapons. I opened factories. I helped create a system to create fertilizers that have increased crop output tenfold.” My grin threatened to split my face and the crowd started cheering.

“THE KING HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS!” I crossed my arms and held my head high, the crowd yelling in shock, “ALL THIS HAS BEEN FINANCED BY ME! THAT WEAK OLD FOOL COULD NO MORE PLAN AN INVASION THAN HE COULD RUN A COUNTRY!” loud cheers of agreement rang out from the crowd. People were tired of the old rule.

I gave them a few seconds to let that info sink in. All this money, all this effort… from one griffon who has nothing to do with the royal family. After a few seconds, the crowd settled- and a general sense of what now set in.

“I ask not that you worship me, I ask that you follow me. Follow me- into a new golden age of science, learning, and culture never before seen by the world! FOR PROSPERITY!” I yelled out, pumping my fist in the air.

“PROSPERITY!” The crowd yelled back, pumping their fists in the air in a similar manner. Then the crowd started moving towards me, yelling Godmother! I felt like a rockstar, literally being picked up by the crowd!

“ALRIGHT BOYS, LISTEN UP!” After spending a minute crowd surfing, I was set down and a circle was cleared around me. “Tomorrow morning, we’re finally gonna be heading to the city of Bristle to take a load off. Relax, drink, read letters and write home, whatever.” I yelled, and that single sentence was like music to their ears, and I’m sure the town of Bristle probably heard the cheering, even though we’re still a day out.

It’s been a fuckin’ minute since I’ve even thought of Bristle. Apparently it’s grown a bit since the agriculture boom.

Here’s hoping that no-one remembers my face there.

---

Let me tell you- after all that excitement, we were all pretty tired when we turned in that night. Since we were down a man, I had to sleep alone. You’d think that’d be a good thing, and my teammates would agree, with many of them proclaiming their jealousy.

I dunno. I’ve just never liked sleeping alone. At least in Ponyville, Mamma was right next door; here, it’s just me, the warm glow of a fire in front of me, and my tent. Maybe it’s a paranoia thing? Either way, times like this really make me appreciate my mother.

This time, approaching Bristle came with much more fanfare. The town had gotten noticeably larger in my absence, and thank fuck they had time to prepare for our arrival. Pubs, winehouses, and alehouses all had tables set up and spilled out onto the streets for all the thirsty soldiers who would be spending the day drinking away their troubles.

Since I’m ballsy and I smoke my stogies wherever I want, I decided to hunt down that pub where Mamma and I last made our grand exit. I got to setting up my tent right quick and heading to the bar.

What? It was late evening, it’s socially acceptable to get drunk now!

The inside of the pub hardly changed, aside from some decorations and other miscellaneous stuff- like a novelty glass case with an eyepatch behind it. In case someone loses an eye! It said on the front. As soon as I walked through the batwing doors, the people started cheering! Fertilians mainly, so there was a lot of Ayy, there she is! And That’s tha’ Godmotha’!

I joined the rest of the xanthous team at a table in the middle, where there was already whiskey on the rocks waiting for me- I took a deep swig and sighed.

I looked around at the crowd and a wide grin spread across my face. I called over the owner and whispered something in his ear, and he nodded with a smirk.

“DRINKS ARE ON ME TONIGHT, BOYS!” I yelled, and the thunderous roar threatened to shatter windows all across town. I just told the barman to send the bill to my wife.

The shots started pouring and the party really started.

“Ay, Leona!” I heard someone yell in the crowd, “How was livin’ in Equestria?” I was pretty drunk at this point, so rather than trying to figure out who asked, I just yelled out the answer.

“Fuckin sucked! There wasn’t no butcher in that town, you couldn’t even get no fuckin’ gabagool!” I yelled out, and the gasps of shock damn near brought silence to that pub.

“No gabagool!” Someone yelled, completely outraged that a vegan society wouldn’t have the ability, in a small town, to make fuckin’ capocollo. “Fuckin’ nerve a those ponies!”

I agreed wholeheartedly.

“What in the world is gabagool?” I just huffed in indignation, along with many of the other Fertilians. I just threw my arms out and yelled,

“Boy, are you tryin’ ta start a friggin riot!? Don’t know what gabagool is, fuck outta heah!” I don’t even know who I was talking to, I was just yelling into the crowd.

“Is that any way to greet a friend?” I blinked twice, then finally decided to look at my surroundings.

“ADRIAN!?” That fuck! “HOW YA DOIN, PAL!?” I pulled my friend in for a hug then patted the chair next to me.

“I must say, I’ve been better.” He said flatly, taking his seat and grabbing one of the many shots which had been sitting on the table. He looked the part- the left side of his face was featherless and he had a ridiculous looking glass eye.

“That glass eye looks like shit.” I said, handing him a cigarette and offering up a light. “You oughta replace it with an eyepatch.” I lit up a cigarette for myself and took a shot, and Adrian huffed.

“I wish I could. King says he doesn’t want people to think he’s so desperate as to send a…” He snorted in annoyance and did air quotes, “Half blind son of a noble.” He gritted his beak and I got up to grab something.

I went to that novelty display case with the eyepatch and used the butt of my pistol to break the glass.

“Fuck the king.” I said to Adrian, “Get rid of that ridiculous thing and put this on.” He looked at me in confusion, before his frown slowly turned to a grin. He pulled the fake eye out and put the patch on.

“LET’S GIVE IT UP FOR DIS CRAZY SONUVABITCH!” I yelled out, and everyone raised glasses in the air. “SAVIN’ THA FUCKIN DAY, HE DID!”

“No no, I wouldn’t go that far.” He was being modest and I was having none of it.

“Knock that off. People’re gonna be talking about the Dead Man for a long time to come now.” He mouthed out the nickname I gave him, and apparently the people caught on, cheering DEAD MAN!

He finally shrugged with a wide grin, downing down a pint in one go.

It was gonna be a good night.

---

Apparently, it’d be a good morning, too. Despite the hangover, despite the nightmares I had, and despite the fact that I had to piss like a racehorse, I saw another face that I’d dearly missed. I looked at Diamond Tiara, standing over me in my tent and regarded her with a warm smile. I had lots of questions and my brain was running at the speed of a turtle OD’ing on heroin.

So many questions like What are you doing here? What time is it? Did you know you’re beautiful?

“Why are you dressed like a gay nazi?” was what I asked her. That’s when I noticed something was off. She had a stern look on her face and her arms were crossed. Her outfit was somewhat new as well- bright pink with pinstripes, but with a few noticeable new accouterments; namely, the tiara shaped pin on her lapel, and um…

So, griffons don’t normally wear clothes. Unless you’re rich or powerful, you’re not gonna wear fashionable clothes on the regular. Not to mention, if you wanted to show support for our “party” through clothing, it would cost real money to make yourself, say, a coat or something.

So naturally, the most cost effective way for your average griffon to show their support is… an armband. It was all black, with a white circle and the yellow sign in the center. Not… not the worst thing I’ve ever done, but it’ll earn me no favors at The Hague.

“Why was I sent a seven thousand bit bar tab?” She pulled out the paper and I realized that I was a fucking moron.

Great job, Leona. Send the bar bill to your wife who doesn’t know you’re back on the booze.

“Baby, I can explain.” I said, rubbing my temple. She looked at me in stern silence and ugh… I just sighed.

“Listen, I’m not gonna try and make up excuses. I relapsed and I’m sorry.” She huffed, turning her head when I grabbed her shoulder. “But I mean, it’s not like I’m drinking 24/7 again. I don’t even have access to booze most days.” I explained, and her shoulders softened a little.

“Come oooon! It's like back in school when we only had time to get drunk on weekends.” I explained to her, and she snorted with a smirk. “Honey, I’ve got it under control. Believe me.” Finally, she turned to look at me with a smile and I pulled her in for a kiss.

“Oh, I can’t stay mad at you, you fuck!” She groaned at me, and I laughed.

“Glad to hear it.” I said, patting her on the back. I pulled out of the hug a bit more forcefully than I meant to. “Now move. I’m boutta piss myself here.” I whinged, rushing to the latrine. Like most days when I spent the night before drinking heavily, it was about midday.

A few moments later, I returned to my tent with a grin and a pep in my step. I greeted my wife with a peck on the cheek and sat next to her, wrapping a wing around her back.

“Better?” She asked me, and I nodded. In front of her was a bag full of… things! “Lemme show you what I’ve been working on.”

Apparently, I married a propaganda maestro. First, she started simple- the I’m Doing My Part! Campaign was essential for rallying the national spirit. Not only were there posters of me saluting, there were also depictions of men with missing limbs working in a factory alongside nobles, and that sort of stuff. All with the single message of togetherness, or unity.

There was also the widely successful Do It For Them! Campaign, which heavily featured imagery of children in school, or playing in a green park, all while soldiers marched on in the background.

Something interesting I noticed is that all the posters had a sort of badge at the bottom of the yellow sign- and with a subtext, paid for by the Grimfeather Outfit. And of course- there was the more generic PROSPERITY! Posters where the main focus was pumping a fist in the air.

“Before we get into whatever else the… Grimfeather Outfit is up to… there’s a special project I want you to take on, if you don’t mind.” I said, and she pulled out a pen and a notepad.

“So, the diamond dogs live in sheer, utter poverty. They literally have fuck all, aside from a few. I’m not sure why and quite frankly, I don’t care.” she nodded, jotting down what I said. “I want you to get some film recordings and use your magic to make us look like the saviors- delivering the poor beasts from poverty! Or… something like that.”

She tapped her chin with a hoof a few times, apparently absorbed in thought. She then gasped and began to rapidly jot down notes. Once she finished writing, she dropped the pen out of her mouth and said-

“I’ll do you one better.” she set the notepad to the side and with a wide grin, said to me- “So imagine. These diamond dogs live in poverty and have lived in poverty for who knows how long. What if we were to imply to the people that’s what they want for us!” I thought about it for a second and blinked.

“Think about it. First we describe the apparently abhorrent conditions these dogs live in. Then there’s the reveal that they want us to live like them too! You know- in dark, underground caves where there’s no light, no food, and-”

“I get it. Next point.” I said, a bit more stern than I wanted to. My wife was taken aback and I muttered out, “Sorry, honey.” She just shrugged and shook her head.

“Anyways, I’m talking like paid actors and other imagery to invoke the feeling that they were getting ready for war themselves etcetera etcetera. It’s obviously a very work in progress, but whatchu think so far?” I just scratched my chin.

“Yeah… Hmmm, yeah! At the very least, it’ll justify most of the atrocities we’ve committed, at least in the eyes of the people. Good work, honey.” I said to her, and she beamed at me.

“Not only that, but I can also use this film to paint the king as a diamond dog sympathizer!” She said excitedly.

“Be careful, though. The last thing I want to have to deal with is you getting hit with a treason sentence.” She just snorted.

“Don’t worry. I’m going through so many third parties that I can make it seem like a rumor started in some small-time salon.” I just smiled at her. I was still a little nervous- after all, I knew damn well the punishment for treason… but on the other hand, I trusted my wife.

“So anyways, that’s phase one. I’ll start phase 2 once this film is done.” she said, before muttering “I think I have enough time…” she then shrugged. “So… spa reservations?”

“God, yes.” was my immediate response. I could really use a happy ending right now. She giggled and held out her arm.

“Shall we, my darling?” And I just nodded. She then gasped- “BUT FIRST!” There was a suitcase in the corner, which I assumed was full of her stuff. She popped it open for me and revealed-

“Oh shit!” I pulled my favorite coat and capelet out, although it had slight modifications- the left arm had The Yellow Sign embroidered in a white circle on the left sleeve and the hat had a pin of my wifes tiara. “Been a minute since I wore this.”

Lemme tell ya’s, my wife and I? Looked fuckin snazzy! We drew eyes wherever we went, and it wasn’t just because my face had been plastered all over the kingdom. Today was a nice day- we went to the spa together, sat down for coffee at a local cafe, we even went to the bar together!

We even went for a quickie in the bathroom stall when we were both fucked up.

That night at the train station was… painful. God, it was like 10 PM and I was fuckin wasted. My clothes were even packed back into the suitcase, since I wouldn’t really be able to bring it with me.

“Do ya haveta’ go?” I whined to her on the bench we were on, hugging her like she was gonna fall off the planet. She just sighed at me, her blushy face just making my heart melt.

“Yes, honey. I got work to do. And so do you!” She said, kissing me on the cheek. The train blew its whistle, signaling that it was time to board. I just whined out in response.

“Nooooo…” I said, sniffling slightly.

“Darling, please. We’ll be together soon, you know!” She gave me one more kiss on the cheek before yelling back, “Be good! And no more booze, you’ve had enough tonight!”

“Ah won’t!” I yelled back to her with a wide grin. The door shut and I sighed, lowering my head.

I made my way back to the pub and sat in front of my half-drank glass of whiskey. I downed it in one go and took several deep breaths.

I was about to go home and turn in for the night… but then I thought to myself- What’s one more drink?

Well, we all know how that goes.

Lights out.

No Rest For The Wicked

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Bruce gestured for order among the horde of amassed diamond dogs standing before him. They stood 900 strong, with claymore, pike, and fallen tree branches in hand.

“IF’N ANY’A YE WISH FER DEATH, GO BACK UNDER THE EARTH!” The crowd cheered and he smirked with a wide grin. “WE’RE DOGS. WE’RE BRAVE. WE’RE WARRIORS. IF THOSE DEMONS THINK WE JUST GONNAE SIT ON OUR ARSES AND DRAG ALONG THA GROUND, WE GONNAE SHOW ‘EM WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YE MESS WITH US!”

This was it. This would be their Rorke’s Drift, their Battle of Bannockburn. Not only would they rout the griffon oppressors, they would then capture them as prisoners and force them to take Copseburgh on their own terms.

“WE’RE GON’TA SET UP A DEFENSE WHAT LIKE ONLY A DOG CAN!” That is, preparing to wage a massive guerilla war on their own turf. Punji pits, underground tunnels, hit and run. This is where Bruce would cement his legend as a hero to his people.

“Bruce?” His cousin got his attention. “What is that?” Bruce turned around and squinted his eyes. Being creatures that lived primarily underground, their vision wasn’t the greatest. Something approached from the distance.

“SHITE!” The still injured diamond dog leader yelled in a panic. Before he could fuck off, Bruce grabbed his shoulder.

“No… those are ours…” Their eyes widened collectively as they were approached by the mass.

Many of them walked with their heads down, groaning as a single paw clutched their faces, covering their eyes. Dried blood ran down their cheeks and many of them had wounds filled with pus literally dripping down their bodies.

“They didn’t.” Bruce mumbled to himself in disbelief. The man in the front, who had but a single eye, handed him a scroll and a white cloth stained with pus, blood and dirt.

“We cannae fight them, Sir.” He said, collapsing to the ground at Bruce’s feet.

Slowly, he unraveled the scroll, feeling numb inside.

Terms Of Surrender, as written by Don Leona Grimfeather.

Surrender, or die. Seriously. That’s your only option. What? Are you gonna fight off an army with superior training, discipline and weapons, while simultaneously taking care of 500 dying, disabled, and useless men?

Ohh, or even better! You can have them all put down… but good luck keeping the love of your people that way. That reminds me of an old quote where I’m from, by a real stand up kinda guy named Machiavelli.

Machiavelli once stated in response to the question of whether or not it is better to be loved or feared. His response was that while it is nice to be loved, fear is often your safer bet. But there’s another part of that quote that people often forget- NEVER be hated by your people.

If you go down the path of executing these men, you can forget any notions of being loved or feared by your people. No, you WILL be hated, and it will be your fault alone.

Take my advice. Take care of these men, and we will be arriving soon-ish. Tie the white flag to the tallest tree within the vicinity of the den.

-Don Grimfeather, Grimfeather Outfit.
Godmother.

Bruce dropped the scroll at his feet, trembling. The crowd of his men, once so ready and full of life, looked on in horror as the conga line of dying men approached, their moans and groans of pain increasing in volume with every step closer.

“What… do we do?” his cousin asked him. He turned slowly.

“Take this flag and tie it to the tallest tree. We can’t fight them.” He took a deep breath, shaking his head,

“We will help the sick and the injured, and we will take solace that we’re not the monsters that did this.”

It was a dark day in the clan's history. One which its spirit may never recover from. It is never nice to see the men that relied on you laying in the field. Broken. Defeated… zero yard stares. Morale? What’s that?

One shudders to imagine what monstrous things lie behind the mask of Leona... what dreams of chronic and sustained cruelty?

---

Princess Twilight Sparkle snored softly in her bed in Canterlot. Her alarm, which played a soft classical piece is what roused her from her peaceful rest. She sighed wistfully, pressing the ‘fuck off’ button on her alarm.

Being the princess of what is currently the most powerful nation on the planet is quite a stressful job by yourself. Even Luna was considering coming out of retirement in light of recent political events.

But it was early in the morning, and Twilight did not want to think about any of that stuff. Nope. She had her morning routine, and she would stick to it. It was a piece of advice Celestia gave Twilight which definitely protected her sanity.

After all, one does not live for 6000+ years without figuring out how to avoid going mad.

She sat up and stretched her limbs with a faint moan. What a weird dream… she thought to herself. Though her memory of it was fading rapidly, one thing was stuck in her head- Carcosa. Whatever that means. Normally if she was having weird dreams, she’d go straight to Luna… but for some reason, she felt at ease enough that she didn’t feel the need to.

Her morning routine was the perfect time to think- about herself, her friends, her family… or the fact that she’s 35 years old and still a virgin. According to certain rumors, this celibacy is actually where her connection to the element of Magic originates.

Tangents aside, she was feeling pretty good about today. She had her servants assist her in putting on her peytral (which she admitted would need resized soon) and then made her way to her viewing balcony, where a servant brought her a mug of coffee.

She channeled the magic into her horn to raise the sun. But then- raising the sun would be a bit of a misnomer. It was more like winding a pocket watch. The springs are pure, raw fission and the sun itself was an engine on a track. But like most trains, it can be taken off the rails- which Discord did for amusement during his terrible reign.

High on Mount Canterhorn, a ring of fog slowly formed around the mountain that her nation's capital rested upon as the hot sun warmed up dew and brought up fog from the small lakes and rivers which dotted the mountain. Have you ever wondered why most canterlot nobles wear clothes? Well, it’s cold as tits up there.

She felt like a wanderer atop a sea of fog and smiled as she took a sip of her coffee. Her eyes closed and she raised her head in the air, letting the sun's rays caress her neck like a lover's touch.

Not that she’d know anything about that.

Footsteps approaching from behind are what brought her out of her pondering.

“Captain Gallus.” She said with a nod. He was wearing his armor and holding a manilla folder.

“Our spies have reported back from The Confederacy. What they found was…” He was evidently nervous. Twilight put a wing around his back.

“Let’s have this meeting in your office. Something tells me I’m gonna need to sit down and have a drink after this.”

“Of course, Princess Twilight.” he said, and she snorted.

“I thought I told you to call me Twilight?” she asked with a friendly smirk.

“And I thought I asked you to just call me Gallus?” She took a sip of her coffee and blinked. Oh right, I did use the honorific, didn’t I?

“Sorry about that. It’s still early yet.” Despite her mood, she was still quite tired.

“You’re a princess, aren’t you?” He said with a hearty chuckle,

“Oh, yeah!” She said, rolling her eyes. “By my decree, the sun doesn’t rise until noon! My word is final!” She said, jokingly putting her hoof down.

“Thy will be done, Goddess.” He said, rolling his eyes. Their trek continued and they decided to just savor the early morning silence.

They took their seats across from each other when Gallus pulled out three photos, holding them before him like a hand of cards. All the meanwhile, a fly buzzed about the room, occasionally landing on a random fixture and doing… fly things.

“Let’s start with… whatever the fuck this is. We’re not sure why he got these ones, though they do have potential use for blackmail.”

“What…” She grabbed one of the photos which Gallus slid her way. “Oh my!” She said, blushing madly and slamming the photos face down. She then looked at it then turned it around slowly. “Is that-”

“Leona and her wife screwing in the bathroom of some backwater pub?” While the photo was grainy and in black and white, Twilight could not get the image of that tongue parasite doing… eugh… out of her mind. “Yes. I did not order any of them to take photos of this nature… but, again- blackmail.” Twilight slid the dubious photos back to Gallus after taking one last peek, mainly out of morbid curiosity.

“Archive those for now. I’d rather not mentally scar my country if I can avoid it.” Gallus nodded slowly and held the next set of photos. He glanced to the side nervously, wondering if Twilight really should be seeing this.

Wordlessly, he set the pictures face down and slid them across. Their eyes met briefly, and Gallus nodded.

“Holy Celestia…” Twilight muttered to herself, utterly horrified at the photo. It was a field of Diamond Dogs. All dead, laying on the grass neatly in piles of 50.

“Men. Women. Children. Combatants and otherwise… Infants.” Gallus said flatly, pulling a flask of gin out of his desk and setting it up top for the both of them to share. “Literal hundreds. Griffons were paid to help with the cleanup because there were so few survivors from the attack.” After a few seconds, Twilight took a small sip of gin.

“How.” Was all she asked.

“Poisonous gas. Flooded the mines with it.” He said, rubbing his temple. “Manufactured here, in Equestria under legal circumstances and shipped to Fertilia, still very much legally at the time.” Twilight sighed in deep frustration.

“And they were funded by an anonymous benefactor going under the pseudonym of Lovecraft?” Gallus simply nodded. “For fucks sake. Uuugh, give me a sec to think about this.” She took a deep breath, scratching her chin as she looked off to the side.

“We can’t just arrest them. Despite what they did, the fertilizers coming out of their factory have become essential in these past few years. It wasn’t a single manufacturer, it was all of them. Mostly.” He said with a sort of more or less kinda gesture.

“I know… Ugh, determine if they knew if they were manufacturing weapons and illegally exporting them. If they’re all guilty, then we’ll just work on nationalizing the production.” She then leaned back in her seat, as the revelation that today was FUBAR really set in. “If that’ll be all, work on that while I put sanctions in place for-”

But then, there was a single knock on the door and an envelope slid underneath. Twilight used her magic to float the letter to Gallus. A quick glance confirmed it was from one of his spies.

“If you would?” He reached for the letter and opened it, revealing a single telegram and a photo. He nodded to Twilight and read out loud.

“It was a massacre. Stop. They gouged out the eyes of an entire army of dogs… holy fuck… and sent them to the next den, guided by dogs with…” He looked up to Twilight with a flat, almost hollow expression. “With only a single eye gouged out.” He set the telegram face down and took a look at the photo.

One look was all he needed. He slid it over to Twilight, who noticed the look of utter horror in his eyes.

“That’s it. I’m calling a political summit.” She said, getting up from the chair and storming off, a sense of guilt burning away at her. This is all my fault… let her go too far…

She shut the door behind her, and Gallus got up and locked it, glancing out the peephole just to be sure she was gone.

“Ocellus, you can come out now.” He said, calmly sitting at his desk. His changeling compatriot, best friend and spymaster morphed from a mere fly into Ocellus in a matter of seconds, who greeted her friend with a nod.

“Anything to report?” After glancing around the room a couple times, he pointed to the letter and said “Aside from the obvious.”

“No need to be so paranoid. If there was another changeling, I’d smell their pheromones long before you found them just by looking around.” With a wide grin on her face, she looked into the (apparently) empty corner of the room and yelled, “Isn’t that right, Ovipositor Jim?”

Gallus snorted out a chuckle and exclaimed an affectionate “Shut uuuup!” with a playful punch to her shoulder. After sharing a friendly giggle, he said “Alright, really. Cut the shit. Did FF-?”

“All taken care of. Those buffoons are set up to take the fall. If she figures anything out, they’ll be the ones facing… her wrath.” She said, and Gallus sighed.

“Seriously? Are we so afraid of Leona that we aren’t even using her name anymore?”

“Last I heard, people are calling her Godmother.” She said, and Gallus facepalmed.

“Well… Heh, this oughta knock her down a peg.” he said, steepling his hands with a smug grin… which then promptly fell because he realized that his friend was glaring at him.

“You never told me that was done out of personal animosity.” He began to sweat a little. “And don’t try to lie to me. I can taste your emotions.” her stern glare never let up, and she did feel genuinely hurt.

“Oh, come on now. You saw what she did, she deserves whatever comes to her!” he, also, had a point.

“I thought I had my network of spies doing this for the good of Equestria. Do you realize what kind of scandal this would create if it gets out?” Her voice cracked and tears threatened to spill from her eyes. “Gallus, I trusted you! I thought we were trying to properly bring her to justice!” She yelled at him, and Gallus was quite happy he got those soundproofed walls.

He nervously stuttered and she yelled, “What was that bullshit story about working out a plan with the dogs to use the dynamite to cordon off areas of the mine and help with the defense!?”

He scoffed. “Ocellus, you’re extremely smart. Extremely.” He took a swig of gin, “But lemme tell ya somethin’; you’re naive! Same as Twilight and same as Thorax! And we can’t afford no friggin’ naive bullshit!” His inner Fertilian boiled to the surface, aggressively crossing his arms in defiance.

“I’m still bound by oath to serve the Equestrian Crown, as part of the Changeling Vassalage Pact…” She then huffed, getting out of her seat and turning around. “Thorax will hear about this overstepping of boundaries. What he does with this information is up to him.” Before she slammed the door behind her, “No further reports.” She grumbled out.

Gallus just glared at the door intensely, taking a gulp of gin and launching the flask into the corner out of frustration.

“For. Fucks. Sake.”

---

Far to the north and tucked away in a small valley with a lake was a villa. But it was no ordinary villa, nooo.

No. This villa belonged to Celestia. In fact, she was having afternoon tea on her balcony when Twilight decided to visit. She greeted her best pupil with a smile and a quick hug.

“Take a seat. Tell me- what’s on your mind?” The former princess asked. “My dearest Twilight.”

“It’s… it’s about Leona.” She said, and Celestia snorted.

“When isn’t it?” Twilight, still so unused to her mentor being so casual, had to snap herself out of a trance. “Are you still unused to my… casual mannerisms?” She said with a giggle.

“Yes. Probably always will be.” Twilight said with a sheepish grin, and Celestia muttered maybe not under her breath. If you looked closely at her, her mane wasn’t as illustrious as it used to be and she had creases beneath her eyes. Her connection to the sun had been growing weaker for a long time now, which is why she needed a pupil in the first place.

At first, Twilight was a necessity… but as the years went on, retirement seemed more and more appealing to her. Especially with… everything that’s happened since the return of her sister…

“Twilight. Allow me to be frank with you.” She said with a faint smile. “Needless to say, this doesn’t leave here.” The solar princess gazed longingly at the lake below her villa.

“Of course… Celly.” she said with a nervous grin.

“The world beyond my villa? Could be burning as we speak.” She said flatly, and Twilight's jaw dropped and her eyes widened. “And you know what? I can’t even bring myself to care. Maybe I should be worried about that fact but…” She then shrugged, lighting up a long wooden tobacco pipe.

“How… how could you say such a thing!?” Celestia glanced off to the side at this outburst.

“Twilight, you must understand.” She took a drag of her pipe and let it out with a sigh. “For six thousand years, my flanks have been attached to a throne, and by extension, its people. That throne moved many times, survived countless assassination attempts, countless villains bent on world domination. Literally billions of foes routed.” She had a proud grin, leaning back in her chair and twiddling her pipe.

“Even after I banished my sister, do you know how hard it was to recover from that shitshow?” Once again, Twilight was taken aback. Not at the swear itself, no- the fact that it came from Celestia is what had her shook. “It was hard, but that’s besides the point. But after I’d gotten that all taken care of, one morning, I woke up. Went about my day. Had coffee, solved some minor dispute between nobles, goodness knows what it was about. Probably something silly like land. At the end of the day, when I was laying in bed, I’d finally realized something.”

Slowly, she rose from her chair, groaning at the dull ache in her joints. Leaning against the balcony railing, she smiled. “I’d finally done it. There was no scandalous murder, no threats of war on the horizon, even the Confederacy was calm. None of my friends had been assassinated and no one tried to do me in! Though to be honest, that hadn’t happened in a long time at that point.” Her smile fell slowly. “Then I realized. What now? I looked back on everything I did, all the corpses in my path… I’d made it to the top. Where was my fulfillment?” She said with a shrug.

“Celestia… I had no idea…” Twilight had a sad look but Celestia still looked indifferent, keeping that same motherly smile. She approached Twilight and pulled her into a hug.

“Apologies. Didn’t mean to get so depressing there.” her grin was sheepish, “I think what I’m getting at is that Equestria is yours to do with as you see fit. But if you wish for aid, you only need ask my sister or I. Or, don’t.” She pulled back with a giggle, taking a seat in her chair. “You need a general? An advisor? Even a soldier? Let me know, and I’ll see what I can do.”

Twilight cocked an eyebrow. “You’d let me field you as a soldier?” She asked incredulously.

Celestia snorted… which turned into a giggle… which turned into a full-on belly laugh.

“Ohh, dearest, dearest Twilight. You think you know everything about me, yet you know so little.” She flipped her pipe around and pointed it at her, “But don’t feel bad, friend. I got a small head start, hardly something to write home about.” She laughed and Twilight giggled.

“Alright, stop letting me talk about myself. Spill it!” She said excitedly, taking a drag from her pipe. Though she was uninterested in watching the world's affairs like a hawk in the way she used to, she still liked to hear the news from time to time.

Twilight explained the circumstances and Celestia’s smile fell instantly. Despite the terrible-ness… she couldn’t help but feel impressed at the sheer level of cold-blooded pragmatism. They can’t fight, they can’t work, they’re completely helpless… a constant drain on resources that will never make its way back into the economy. Not only that- it takes people away from production elsewhere to take care of the wounded masses. Yes, it was an extremely evil thing to do… and as ashamed as she is to admit it, she couldn’t help but think of a couple historic armies that could’ve used the same punishment.

But what really caught her attention is what Twilight added at the end.

“Oh, and for some reason, some of my spies also took photos of Leona and her wife…” Her entire face resembled an apple, “Hugging. Very tight.”

“Ohh! And do tell me, what’re you planning with those photos?” Twilight snorted and Celestia's grin fell.

“Burn them, probably. Eugh… you won’t believe what she was using that parasite tongue for!”

Calmly, the solar diarch took a sip of tea and sat up straight in her chair. At this moment, Twilight realized that was the wrong answer.

“Why would you deny yourself an advantage that Leona would absolutely use against you?”

Maybe it was time for one final lesson with her pupil; pragmatism. And here she thought it a good idea to leave her student to her own devices. Guess she was too eager to retire.

---

A wagon slowly went down a lonely trail. Late in the evening, where the sun began to set. It was quiet. Too quiet.

Then, suddenly, a band of diamond dog brigands emerged from the bushes. They wore clothes made of griffon bones and hide, brandishing gnarly looking swords and clubs… but most obvious was the tartan kilts they wore.

The family screamed in terror as they were descended upon.

“CUT!” Dee yelled through a megaphone, and the clack of a clapper board rang out. The dog's faces, which previously looked enraged and rabid, fell to a calmer, more neutral expression. “Alright boys, that’s about enough for today.” She called out, and the cast and crew began to help with packing everything away for the day.

You may be wondering how she got a bunch of diamond dogs to help her with this project? Well, it’s simple. Throw a dog a bone and that. That, and promises of being able to sleep in a proper bed were more than enough to get a bunch of them to sign up… and become traitors to their species.

“MARIA!” She yelled for her personal assistant, who wasted no time in appearing by her side. “You mind grabbing my stuff?”

“Yes, mistress.” She said, plainly yet enthusiastically. She was a griffon- in her early 20s with a petite build and a curvy… Well, let’s just say that Dee finds herself lagging behind her assistant more often than she’d care to admit. She hired her about two weeks ago, when the filming was about to start.

The hiring criteria was simple- someone who was desperate for a job and couldn’t quit even if she wanted to. As Leona would put it- I’m gonna make her an offer she can’t refuse.

They made their way back to her private carriage, surrounded by a posse of armed guards. The carriage had solid steel walls and it took six full-size griffon men to pull.

Once she was seated and the carriage was moving, Maria handed her a notebook, and Dee regarded it with a wide grin, flipping it open and jotting things down on one of the pages.

“Filming’s almost complete. Just gotta splice it all together, get some voiceover recordings, and we are golden.” She closed it up and gestured to the radio, “You did charge this, right?” She asked Maria, who nodded.

“Gooood. Put some jazz on, would’ya? I'm in a sort of… saxophone mood tonight.” She leaned back and said, “And pour me a glass of wine… I’m thinking something… sweet.” Her assistant turned on the radio and grabbed a bottle out of the storage compartment.

“Ohh, I’ve heard lovely things about this Year 995 Catlian vintage.” She said, uncorking the bottle and pouring a glass for her mistress.

Dee took a sip of the wine and sighed. “Someday, Maria, you’ll work as hard as I’ve worked, and you’ll be livin’ like this, lemme tell ‘ya.” Thankfully, Dee was resting her eyes- otherwise, she might have seen her assistant roll her eyes at her, wondering if she’d be better off taking her chances with homelessness.

In the castle, they made their way to Dee’s office, noting how empty the place seemed.

She didn’t care though. She was happy to finally take a seat in her office chair, her giant mahogany desk facing the door. In fact, the desk was so large you could have someone hide beneath it and not even see them from the doorway.

For this reason, she kept the door unlocked. The guards would deter any unwanted visitors, anyway. No. My guards.

“It’s good being on top, Maria G.” She wasn’t sure why she included her last initial, it just flowed off the tongue better. “Good indeed.”

Oh, for the record? Her last name happens to be Galloway. What a funny coincidence!

Her assistant poured her another glass of wine, which she sipped with a faint smile.

“Tell ya what, Maria. There’s a bit that fell under my desk- mind grabbing it? I’ll even let you keep it if you want.” Dee gave her a sultry grin and a giggle. As soon as her face was beneath that desk, she couldn’t help but hold back her look of disgust.

“There’s no bit down here- AH!” She said, feeling two hooves grab her flanks.

“Keep lookin! It’s there!” Dee bit her lip when she looked down. She muttered, “You keep lookin’ for as long as you like, sweet cheeks.” A light slap to the flank almost made her bump her head. “Still no bit?”

It took every fiber of her being to suppress the groan. “No, ma’am.”

“Must’ve been my imagination, then. Tell ya what- while you’re down there, I got an itch.” She said, slowly spreading her legs apart and slouching in her chair.

She didn’t even wait for a response, she already knew exactly what to do.

“You have no idea how nice an actual tongue feels…” She put two hooves to her assistant's head, holding it in place. “Ooh! Oh, right there! Hah!” after a few seconds that way, she felt something sharp down there.

“FUCK!” SLAP “FUCKIN’ WATCH IT! Dumb broad!” she groaned in annoyance and mumbled, “You’re supposed to suckle, not bite. I’d give you a demonstration, but I don’t want my face anywhere near a filthy peasant like yourself. Cunt.”

Part of the reason Maria took this job is because she’d met her current boss's wife one time and heard about her in the papers… She thought this would be a dream job.

Turns out it was a nightmare far beyond her comprehension. She hated every second of it and she couldn’t even leave. She tried to once.

Dee made it very fucking clear that wasn’t allowed. She said it was for National Security, but it had a very threatening undercurrent, suggesting that certain people would not see her alive on her own.

A knock was heard at the door. A familiar one- three consecutive knocks, followed by a pause and two brisk strokes.

“Shit, get down!” She said, slapping her in the face again. She quickly straightened herself out and pulled herself forward, leaving very little room for Maria.

“Come in, Jimmy.”

“Good evening, Empress.” Jimmy was one of the first people in the castle she got in on her whole plan, and the captain of the guard, no less! He wore the armband and pin on his lapel, as is common for members of the party.

“I bring wonderful news! The king will be gone for a political summit for the next week.” Dee’s eyes widened. If her snatch wasn’t still wet, she’d have jumped out of her chair in excitement.

“YES! PERFECT!” This was fantastic news! Since the king was gone, she can include the anti- Grover messages in the film, and start converting the masses to her cause! “Have the studio start working on voiceovers immediately. We need this shit done yesterday! And make sure to use the contingency script!”

“This late at night?” Jim said, his smile never failing.

“Double, fuckin’ triple their pay if you have to! I don’t give a shit, just get it done!” the officer simply nodded and put a fist in the air.

“It will be done.” He said, making his leave and shutting the door behind him. Dee idly swatted a fly that landed on her shoulder away and scooted back.

“Now… where were we? Your Empress demands a… celebration. Preferably with a happy ending.”

It felt good being the Empress.

Sanctified With Dynamite

View Online

There is so much shit going on right now that it’s not even funny; but despite this fact, I love every second of it.

After a two month campaign, tomorrow morning we would take Copseburgh, redirect our forces southeast and take Featherworth- just in time for my birthday! Even better is the fact that the king was in Equestria for a summit, hosted by Twilight. Actually, he wasn’t in Equestria- he was in the Crystal ‘Empire’- though realistically, it’s more comparable to a small vassalage or a city state.

The only reason I know this is Dee sent us a delivery runner detailing all this stuff. Since Grover was gone, she was rolling out Phase 2 of the propaganda- that is, defaming the king. Her film, Demons Beneath Us, was a roaring success- causing widespread concern and fear over the Diamond Dog “threat” after being played in theaters all across The Confederacy- apparently there was even a “silent movie” version for older, smaller movie houses. It was played for free and advertised heavily too.

You wanna know the best part? Before the King left, he asked his Captain of the Guard to arrest Dee on suspicion of treason, to be tortured and to await trial until the king's return.

As it turns out, the Guard Captain was one of the first people on the “inside” she convinced to join our cause after I left- so when he went to tell her the news, he was even wearing his armband and pin. The king's wife was left in charge and quite frankly, she’s so ignorant of the current state of affairs that it’s kinda funny.

We'll be letting her eat cake soon enough.

Meanwhile, for the past couple of weeks we’ve been going from den to den to force their leaders to capitulate before we took the main fort. The tales of our brutality was all it took for many of them to surrender, so we were making fantastic time! Apparently, they were so affected by the blinding that whatever morale they had left just vanished. Even Bruce started calling me Godmother.

The routine itself was quite simple- we’d set up camp a couple hours march from the actual den itself and send in Bruce along with several other delegates to tell their stories and say “hey, we’re not fucking around.”

So when Bruce, who we sent off with an expeditionary force of 35 dogs returned with only six of them alive, we kind of realized the answer. I suspected that the last bastion of diamond dog “freedom” wouldn’t give up so easily; they’ve probably reached the conclusion that they have nothing left to lose by trying to mount a defense or maybe the top Alpha is feeling suicidal.

Thankfully, I had a speech prepared.

“Well, boys, we’ve made it this far. For two months, we’ve marched and fought and bled.” General shouts of agreement rang out from the crowd and I said, “So, here’s what’s gonna go down!

“We are gonna kick their asses so thoroughly that they’ll NEVER think of double crossing us ever again!” The crowd cheered, “THIS LAND BELONGS TO THE GRIFFONS!” they might have heard the shouting from Copseburgh.

Right now, I wanted nothing more than to go home and cuddle with my wife. “MARCH IN FORMATION!” The plan, having been discussed ahead of time, was well memorized by Ulysses and all the captains. Same thing with mental maps and the like- already taken care of.

I really have to stop the whole memory thing- I don’t even remember giving the info to anyone and about halfway through, Ulysses said I had another seizure. I guess I must’ve blanked the whole thing out.

Copseburgh was essentially a large hill with a stone fort on top and a massive cave complex below. As usual, the lads and I will jump down through a ventilation shaft and make our way upward, flooding the joint with gas as we went. Meanwhile up top, the line men would be making life hell for the dogs by firing their guns and generally being intimidating.

We’d even gotten upgrades- burning carbide lamps were generally a lot brighter than their oil-powered counterparts- plus the flame was exposed, meaning that it could light cigarettes or maybe even cauterize small wounds. Not sure how safe it is, but it’s better than bleeding out or dealing with nicotine withdrawal.

Ugh. Maybe Mamma was right about smoking? Whatever.

“Alright, let’s get this over with so I can go home and fuck my wife.” And by fuck, I really do mean cuddle.

“I say we kill ‘em all!” Jos yelled, turning her gas can to max.

Adrian silently gestured for us to follow him. While I was leading the army, Adrian was leading our group. Something about him just made him easy to follow.

We were making our way up one of the shafts when we realized something- where were the dogs? We were approaching a steep-ish incline where up ahead we saw something… odd. A light source- couldn’t have been brighter than a cigarette lighter.

“WHOEVER GOES THERE, STATE YOUR BUSINESS OR WE WILL SHOOT!” I wasn’t sure if this was a dog and quite frankly, I’d rather not shoot one of our own- after all, it could just be that pyromaniac chucklefuck from the red team. Guy gives me the creeps- never takes off his mask except to eat and is constantly laughing and giggling and humming during battle and loves molotovs… but shit, as long as he follows orders and only burns the enemy, he can be as unapologetically insane as he wants.

I mean shit, whatever keeps your snatch from dryin’ out, I suppose.

Tangent aside, whatever that light source was… started sparking and approaching us rapidly. I shot my pistol and the guy fell to the ground screaming… Then our eyes shot open in realization as a bundle of lit dynamite sailed over our heads like a majestic fuck-you eagle.

“FORWARD NOW!” Adrian yelled, and we all started charging forward.

What followed was an explosion coming from behind us that almost knocked me on my feet and made my ears scream with tinnitus. We didn’t have time to check if everyone was alright- the ground was trembling and our way back was being blocked by falling rocks.

So when we all looked at each other and nodded silently, we unhooked the heavy gas canisters and started hauling ass. I was running with my cutlass in hand and a cursory glance over to my friends showed me that, at the very least, no one was so injured that they couldn’t run.

“KEEP YOUR MASKS ON!” I yelled, hoping to God they could somehow hear me. As tempting as it was to abandon the masks, what with the gas being left behind us. We charged into a wide chamber full of diamond dogs and started swinging. I drove my cutlass through the chest of one holding another bundle of dynamite, which he dropped to the ground. I then pulled out a pistol and shot two more.

All six of us made quick work of the mutts.

“WHO THA’ HECK GAVE ‘EM DYNAMITE!?” Roscoe yelled. We decided to stop for a second, and make sure everyone was actually alright. Our ears were still ringing and we had to lift our masks AND yell so we could hear each other.

“THE HELL YOU ASKIN’?” yelled Fin, apparently just as deaf as the rest of us.

Overall, we were off to a shitty start. We had no gas left- we dropped the tanks back there to let us run faster and barely escape with our lives- but now we had an even bigger problem.

Another wisp in the darkness turned to sparks flying our way and the worst part was we could barely hear each other.

“ADRIAN!” I screamed, and the lit bundle of dynamite shook the ground so bad that I’m not gonna lie, I think I pissed myself a bit. He saw it and was able to jump to the side to avoid it… and he was now clutching the bloody bag that protected his wing from the gas, still attached to his body. He quickly gestured for me to come over and I said to the rest,

“GET INTO AS DEFENSIVE A POSITION AS YOU CAN!” I grit my beak, running over to Adrian. I tore the sleeve that the wing was inside off and I think we both realized how fucked it was. His wing was peppered with rocks and debris- but thankfully, his metal armor held. I grabbed a tourniquet out of my emergency pack and cut the blood off from the rest of the wing.

I eyed the roll of bandages and, almost in a panic, I yelled “Where do I even start!?” He clenched his beak and growled,

“Just cut the fuckin’ thing off!” I was taken aback!

“Are you fuckin’ insane!? No, no I’m not cutting your wing off, you’ll never fly again!”

“This wing is beyond saving, just chop it!” he demanded, and I stood there frozen. He yanked his mask off and grabbed his wing in his beak, wincing as he pulled it taut. “Right below the tourniquet! We don’t have time!” he yelled, voice muffled by his own wing. He looked at me with a fiery determination in his eyes… I nodded.

“Sorry, bud.” I said, taking my sword and grounding my good friend for life. I then tore a paper cartridge out of my cloak and poured gunpowder on the wound. Grabbing my acetylene torch, I looked him in the eye and he nodded, biting down on his own wing like a leather strap.

“GAAAAAH!” he yelled as the powder deflagrated, launching thick smoke into the air. I can only imagine what it was like to taste your own flesh and blood, feeling your beak crushing the bones of your own wing like a fistful of barroom peanuts. The bleeding had stopped and Adrian spit his wing out.

“Alright, then.” He spoke with a dark anger in his voice, putting his helmet back on and forgoing the mask entirely. “They want to fight so bad, then we’ll give them a fight.” he was smiling and I… was feeling turned on, not even gonna lie. Having finally said fuck it, I yanked my gas mask off and took a breath of air which was not fresh and in fact, it smelled like burnt flesh and gunpowder.

We simply looked at each other and nodded. Our friends were positioned behind large boulders for cover and both of us whistled.

“LET'S GO!” I shouted out, hauling ass with a pistol out to keep up with Adrian. The diamond dogs were afraid of the lunatics running at them with sword and gun at the ready, as you can imagine. Coupled with the fact that we had four more guys running behind us, we had those fuckers on the run!

This lasted for about an hour, with Adrian and I charging in the front, killing anything that moved, dodging bundles of dynamite once in a while. Either these dogs didn’t want to fight or they were dumb as hell; both possibilities are just as likely. I think they’re throwing them without aiming them.

As we ran, every once in awhile we would stop to take out a bunch of mutts or have a quick breather, where Adrian and I were called many different variations of fucking insane; despite this, they would still pat us on the back and cheer us on.

The strategy was genius- KEEP FUCKIN’ PUSHING!

In retrospect- perhaps we could’ve taken out all the dens without gas- but then again, the dogs are terrified of the stuff. Especially the ones from Goldcairn; one needs only point at a canister of chlorine to get them shaking. And besides- a little insurance never hurt and quite frankly, I’m not worried about the whole ‘war crime’ thing because we’re winning.

In fact, we were so confident that when we saw a bright light that signaled the exit, we all charged forward!

Then, the largest explosion I’ve ever heard went off above our heads. The ground shook intensely and the roof was collapsing; I didn’t have to tell anyone to run.

The ground kept shaking as the roof itself started caving in. There must have been a massive dynamite explosion within the fort a ways behind us- the fort itself being swallowed by the very earth.

In my fear and excitement I wasn’t paying attention to where I stepped, tripping and falling. Shit shit shit, not good.

“H… HELP!” I screamed pathetically, holding an arm out. Adrian skidded to a halt and charged at me, jumping on top of me to try and use his body as a shield. “Oh, no…” I muttered as the roof collapsed on top of both of us.

After a few seconds, the dust began to settle, a bone-chilling quiet shared between the both of us- if we were both still alive, that was.

“You alive?” I heard the muffled voice of Adrian and breathed a sigh of relief. “You fuckin’ better be.”

Shit, was I alive? Were we alive? It was dark as shit and quite frankly, things looked grim. Both of our torches went out, not that there’d be any room to use them. I began mentally checking my body- and when I tried to move my back right leg, I almost yelled from the pain.

“I’ve been better.” I said, dearly wishing I had a cigarette. “Leg hurts like a motherfucker, though. How you feelin’?”

“I’ve been better. I’m sore all over but I think the armor did its job. My left wing is probably broken, but my right wing is gone anyway…” then, after a few seconds he added, “And I kind of need a shit.” And I started chuckling.

“Motherfucker I swear to God I will kill you myself if you do that- and I don’t give a damn if we’re both dead anyway!” He chuckled faintly and said,

“What’re you gonna do? Bite my balls off?” He asked,

“Fuck it, I might.” And after a few seconds, we burst out laughing. We were dead men, as far as I was concerned. Might as well go out with a laugh. “You know, if they dig us up like this they’re gonna think we were 69-ing in our last moments.” He snorted.

“Can’t think of anyone better to do it with.” I raised my eyebrows and after a few seconds of silence he asked, slightly nervously, “I didn’t offend you, did I?”

“Nah, of course not. It’s just…You! Made a sex joke! You, Adrian!” He snorted back laughter and said,

“To be fair, I think we’ve all changed somewhat.”

“And ain’t that the fuckin’ truth.” I agreed, feeling faintly lightheaded. After a few seconds of silence, I thought of something.

“Hey, Adrian. If we make it out of here alive I…” I paused, wondering how to put this. I mean, we were both dead men anyway. “My wife and I, we’ve been talking about kids for a good bit now. I think you can do the math.”

After what felt like a solid minute passed, he said “You want me to be a surrogate father?” I nodded then realized that he wouldn’t see it,

“Y-yeah.” I said, blushing lightly. “And when I take over, you can have whatever you want, man. Seriously, I owe you big time if we survive.” After a few seconds, I heard him laugh and wondered how much more oxygen we had left before I died.

“Tell you what, since you lopped off my wing we’ll call it even.” He then added, “And if you need a surrogate, fuck it. I’ll do it.” My smile threatened to split my beak.

“Thanks, man.” I said, feeling much woozier now. I was… feeling nervous. “And if we die here, I’m glad I was with you in our final moments.” He snorted and… nothing.

We just sat there in total silence, each of us pondering whether or not we’d survive. It… wasn’t looking good. I thought about Dee, about Mamma, about Emmie. I sniffled, tears rolling down my cheeks as panic set in.

“I-I don’t want to die here, Adrian.” He kept silent, probably out of interest in preserving oxygen. I hoped to God he wasn’t gone already. Oh god, will they even find me to give me a proper funeral? Will I be so rotten that Mamma won’t even be able to have an open casket?

I felt my conscious fading in and out, and strings of thought were harder and harder to keep in line. Who was I kidding- they’re never gonna find us here. God knows how deep we actually are here.

Overall, I think I’ve lived a good life. And hey, who knows? Maybe I’ll just come alive again like the last time! Reborn in a whole new world to ruin!

Before I went unconscious, I thought about Dee some more since I knew that the only way I’d be able to see her is mentally. I couldn’t even take my helmet off to look at that picture and it would’ve been too dark anyway.

---

“She’s waking up!” There was an oxygen mask being pressed against my beak and Adrian was receiving the same treatment. I could hear cheering all around me and I wanted to roll over and return to the nap I was taking in a bed of dirt. Briefly, I assumed I blacked out during a bender but then remembered the fact that I’m supposed to be… you know…

FUCKING DEAD!

“He’s waking up, too!” I breathed a sigh of relief so hard that I erupted into a coughing fit.

“Any way I can get a smoke?” I asked the nurse holding the mask, who cocked an eyebrow incredulously. “What? After having a whole ass fort dropped on my head, you think one ciggie will kill me?”

“It very well might, Mrs. Grimfeather.” The doctor said as the nurses loaded Adrian and I onto gurneys. It looked like they forced a bunch of diamond dogs to do all the digging, probably under the threat of being shot.

“The uh… leader alpha, whatever the fuck his name is. Bring him to me.” He was ushered over to me, where he seemed quite nervous.

BANG!

Naturally, I pulled my gun out and shot him in the balls. He doubled over, clutching his shattered jewels while everyone cheered me on.

“You’re a lucky bastard that I’m fucked. So the next time I see you, I’ll sodomize you with a bundle of lit dynamite. Capisce?” He nodded rapidly before slowly falling to the ground in agony. I looked to the doctor and said,

“Have someone sew his bag back up. I intend on following through with that threat, the son of a fuck.”

I was carried off to a medical tent where many other soldiers were being treated. There was… an unfortunate amount of injured. Not sure how many are dead; I haven’t seen the casualty report yet and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to. All I knew was I was definitely gonna commit dynamite sodomy once this was all said and done.

“We’re gonna give you something for the pain, alright?” I nodded and noticed a concerning amount of nurses crowding my bed.

“Woah woah, I don’t want any special treatment, you hear?” I said as I was jabbed by a syringe in the leg- at first I winced, but whatever pain I felt was replaced with a sort of warm, fuzzy feeling all over. “Whew, that’s the good stuff!” I said, my speech slowing considerably.

“I can assure you, you’ll receive no different level of care.” I simply nodded, muttering good under my breath. I noticed that Adrian was looking over with an odd look in his eyes. Just as I felt myself falling asleep with my eyes open, I yelled over to him,

“Why you’s lookin’ so glum? We fuckin won!” I said, giggling faintly, “The mutts belong to us!” he smirked and gave me a thumbs up. I was so ecstatic by our victory that I didn’t even mind the fact that I was rapidly losing consciousness.

I looked down to where the nurses were cutting the laces to my boots. “Hey, fuckin watch it! I need that boot!” The nurse glanced over to me with an odd look in her eye, and I realized that I was high as hell on morphine and maybe I was seeing things.

Then when the nurse removed the boot, they told me that my exact words were: “Oh, that’s not good.” Again- I was doinked out of my gourd on morphine. Below the knee, my rear leg and foot looked like shredded meat and rocks.

“You guys can fix me, right?” I said, deciding it was almost time for bed. The nurse simply looked at me and nodded.

“Hmm. Good.” I said, slowly falling asleep. “Call my wife and someone get me a cig’rit.” Never mind the fact that phones haven't really been invented yet.

So, that nurse I asked? Perhaps I should’ve been more specific with my definition of fix. Apparently, the nurse I asked was holding a bone saw.

Sympathy For The Devil

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“As the reigning Princess of Equestria, I declare this summit ready to begin.” Twilight said, surveying the room. It was the planning room of the crystal palace- they all sat at a long rectangular table where Cadence… wasn’t there. She had other business to attend to and besides that, it didn’t have much to do with her.

The guests included King Grover of Fertilia and King Thorax of The Changelings, who was with his advisor/brother, Pharynx. Thorax looked worried, but his brother seemed quite collected. Grover looked bored and was, per Celestia’s request, the only griffon royal invited.

“We will be discussing the issue of the illegal and abhorrent war taking place on Confederacy soil, and we will also be going over…” She looked down to check her notes. “The… illegal intervention by the Changeling Spy Network orchestrated by the Equestrian Crown!?” She, quite frankly, was very surprised.

“I’d like to motion that we take care of the latter, first.” Twilight said, but before anyone could second her- the door swung open.

“You got room for two more?” Princess “Muthafuckin” Celestia and Princess “Friggin” Luna walked in the room and took their seats on the opposite end of the table as Twilight, to the shock and surprise of everyone in the room. The griffon royal started to sweat a little bit. Twilight looked at her with a smug grin.

“I was wondering when you’d show up. Since I am allowed to bring a single advisor with me, I invited Celestia to help with the proceedings.” She said, nodding to her former master before turning to Thorax. “So, explain the problem.”

“Now, you wait just a minute!” yelled out King Grover, “Then why is Princess Luna here as well?” He said, using a handkerchief to dab sweat off his forehead.

“For two reasons, Tacitus.” Since Luna technically wasn’t a royal anymore, calling Grover by his first name was a big no-no… not that she gave a fuck. “I was reviewing the Old Laws for summits since I haven’t been to one in a good minute… when I noticed something odd with the wording.”

“Every pony in the room is entitled to a guard. Wouldn’t that include the advisors? In that case, Luna is my guard.” Said Celestia, packing a wooden pipe, lighting and taking a drag, “And rest assured, the wording will be corrected after the ceremony. Isn’t that right, Twilight?”

Her student simply nodded. “It’s part of an ongoing project to correct some of the pony-centric language in old laws in order to account for the wonderful diversity of Equestria!” Make no mistake- Twilight is not a bad ruler. In fact, she’s a great ruler who always has the good of her people in mind. She’s just not a great wartime ruler.

“Well, what’s the other reason?” Said Grover, and Luna giggled.

“Well, are you gonna stop me?” She said, and everyone except Grover chuckled. She had a fair point. “The whole thing about everypony keeping guards with them was just a… happy coincidence, as it were.” She then turned to Thorax and nodded.

“Well… as it says, I believe my changelings were used to perform paramilitary actions against another standing force. The reason being-”

“I must stop you, Thorax.” Celestia said politely, to his utter shock. She pulled a scroll out of a pocket dimension and unrolled it. “Any actions by the CSN… ah, Changeling Spy Network, that is, are to be kept private and confidential between the Equestrian Crown and the Vassalage of Changelings.”

Thorax tried to open his mouth, but Luna beat him to the punch.

“Not to mention- You are settled on Equestrian soil, within Equestrian borders, with Equestrian guards and protection, alongside a powerful ally in the Equestrian Crown. Because of Equestrian intervention, your people are safe from starvation, as well as threats both domestic and foreign, and not to mention enjoying modern amenities such as… well, I think you get the point.”

Celestia nodded, then continued for her, “And on a final note, we believe the debt of the changelings is nowhere near being paid off. Between the Canterlot Invasion and the Mass Kidnapping Incident, quite frankly, you’re very lucky my sister and I were feeling… amicable that day.” Thorax’s eyes were wide. He was shaking, and he swallowed nervously.

Today’s lesson for Twilight- It is okay and often necessary for The Princess to remind certain individuals exactly why they’re your friend.

“As for you, Tacitus.” She looked over to the aging king, who was sweating and shaking nervously. “Call off your silly war and reign your mutts in. And I’m not talking about the dogs, either.”

He shook his head rapidly. “I-I can’t! They’ll be taking Copseburgh in the next… three days!”

Luna spoke up, “That’s the least of your problems. Have you checked your approval ratings lately?” She slid a newspaper across the table to him. He took one look at it and yelled,

“WHAT!?” The picture on the front page depicted his wife being transported somewhere in a shoddy wagon, tied up and surrounded by griffons with guns. “Traitorous Queen to be Executed… husband, known dog sympathizer, incompetent greedy ruler…” He slowly looked up from the paper.

“I’ve made a huge mistake.” He said simply, and Celestia chuckled.

“No kidding.”

---

You know, I’ve always hated waking up in a hospital- especially one set up inside a tent. I was sore all over and my right leg felt like it was in a bucket of ice, so I did what I often did on cold mornings- Curl up nice and tight and cross my legs like a kitty.

Except… I was having difficulty doing that. I couldn’t feel my foot, aside from the fact that it was cold. Was it still numb from the anesthetics? Must’ve been, but either way it was pissing me off.

“UUUUgh. Fine, you win fucker.” I muttered to myself, whipping my blanket off.

…

“WHAT IN THE FUCK!?”

On my right leg, just about where my knee ended was a whole ass blank space that was supposed to have a foot and the rest of my leg in it. I had this odd feeling- like I wanted to run away from the stitched and bandaged stump where my leg now ended, like I was afraid of it. And to be fair, I was feeling pretty afraid.

Thank fuck, my wife was here- she rushed to my bedside and wrapped her hooves around me.

“It’s alright, baby. You’re alive.” She said, sniffling and breathing shallowly. “Thank fuck…”

Despite the stress, I couldn’t help but smile and return the hug. “Hey, come on, baby, it’s not so bad… and we know that it takes more than dropping a fort on my head to kill me.” I shifted to sit up and winced- my body was probably covered in bruises from that. Then I said to her- “Besides- we fuckin did it, babe!”

She just snorted and giggled, “I don’t feel a crown on my head, though.”

“But you will soon enough.” I said, sitting up and groaning from the overall soreness. Dee walked off and grabbed what looked like a peg leg and probably was a peg leg.

“Lemme show you how to use this. Doctor wants you to stay off it, but dammit we got work to do.” She had me sit up and helped change the bandages before sliding on the leather cuff. It was crude, only meant for temporary use.

“There’s a crowd out there waiting on an address. Even got radio people here to record it.” She said, and I nodded.

“Perfect… ah, casualty report?” I asked her, and her face… didn’t give me much hope.

“Five dead. 20 injured to various degrees. And at least three bodies are unrecoverable- or at least, we weren’t in time to save them.” She said, a sad look in her eyes. I just sighed, feeling a chill go down my spine at how close I was to being on that list.

“Ugh, that’s bad… Then again, if it adds fuel to the fire of revolutionary fervor then… I dunno.” I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel like absolute shit. I’m missing a leg and this battle was the most costly, in terms of griffon life. “And where in the fuck did those mutts get dynamite?”

Dee shrugged. Guess I’d be having a one on one with Shattered Jewels. “Well, let’s do this.” I said, a triumphant smirk.

I got out of bed slowly, wincing whenever I had to put pressure on that back leg. My wife immediately bolted to my right side, allowing me to put a wing over her and keep pressure off my leg. Or at least, what was left of it…

“Take it easy, you just got up.” She instructed me like I wasn’t the one in pain. Walking on three legs wasn’t too hard- heck, I do it when I’m running and gunning all the time. It’s just a matter of footing and balance; you just have to watch your step. It’s a lot easier when you’re running though as I’ve noticed an awkward hobble when I try to walk on it normally.

Next, she helped me put my clothes on. My normal clothes- my armor and cloak- were still filthy and damaged from the accident and besides that, I’d rather not put the extra weight on my leg. I decided to skip the baldric and instead just wore my typical garb. It felt wonderful to wear that black coat again- the one with the golden trimming and the yellow sign on the sleeve. I tightened the capelet and Dee gestured to me to take a seat.

I sat next to her on the bed and lit up a smoke.

“You almost died from running out of air last night and you’re smoking already?” She deadpanned and I shrugged.

“What? They wouldn’t let me have one last night!” My wife giggled,

“Fuck, I missed havin’ you by my side, you know that?” She then was shuffling papers and explained- “So what happened was the king returned from that summit bullshit like, a couple days ago. Obviously he realized he wasn’t very popular anymore and took refuge in Catlus.” Before she could continue, I interrupted to ask-

“Who’s running the city, then?”

“Captain of the king’s old guard. Don’t worry- he can be trusted.” I nodded and she continued, “So, here’s the situation. His wife was hung by an angry mob. I got the rest of his heirs locked in jail cells. After he took refuge in Catlus with his honor guard, he had a runner deliver a telegram to us- and everyone agreed that you should be the first to open it. Well, I read over it while you were out cold. You’ll love this.” She pulled out the very-much opened telegram and handed it to me, folded up.

I read down the list and my smile threatened to crack my beak in half. She giggled and said, “I’ve also taken the liberty of bribing the radio company by offering them decent tax breaks if they ran a massive sale on radios to make sure as many people as possible hear this broadcast. OH! That reminds me, I’ve also been talking to an architect who’d be willing to help us remodel the castle to suit our needs- including adding a broadcast antenna.” I looked her in the eyes with a warm smile.

“I could make out with you right now, you know that?” I asked her, gently putting my arms around her- a gesture that she reciprocated.

“Well, what’s stoppin’ you?” She asked, a faint blush forming on her cheeks.

“Not a fuckin’ thing, babe.” We started making out, and a few seconds later someone walked into the tent. I didn’t even look over but I think it was the doctor; so I pointed a finger in the air in a sort of gimme a minute gesture.

He took the hint.

After a solid 30 seconds passed, we pulled apart- my beak connected to her lips by a strand of spit. I wanted nothing more than for her to grab my wrists, pin me down and ravage me like an animal. I was broken out of my fantasy by my wife, who was giggling at me.

“You look so hot when the bottom thoughts are winning.” I could feel how hard I was blushing, my breathing rapid and my heart racing. “I bet you just want me to take you, don’t you?” She teased, and I nodded rabidly.

“Baby, are you trying to blue bean me? We can’t do it here!” She giggled and put a hoof to my beak.

“I know. Soon, though.” She said, sliding off the bed and purposefully flicking her tail to the side. I couldn’t help but sigh with a weary smile.

“Why are you like this?” She giggled and said,

“Because you’re easy to tease.” She then gained a more serious expression and asked, “You want me to help you walk?”

One way to find out. Slowly, I slid off the bed, putting a little pressure on my leg. I winced but still, I powered through. Quickly, she came over and grabbed onto me, helping me lower my front onto the ground. I took an experimental walk around the tent, and found that walking wasn’t too terribly difficult.

“I think I wanna walk by myself. It’ll look better that way.” I said, and she nodded.

As we walked out she reassured me that if I need help, I only have to ask. As soon as I walked out of the tent, there was a massive crowd chaotically mingling amongst themselves- until they saw me. I approached slowly and they parted so I could make my way through. Griffons were cheering me on as I walked to the small “stage” that apparently got set up last night.

This whole thing has been a logistical clusterfuck- I have no idea how she can juggle this many things happening at once. I turned to her and whispered, “You’re the greatest thing to ever happen to me. Seriously.” She looked over with a faint blush and smooched me on the cheek, sending the paparazzi into a frenzy. Especially the ones behind me, who wasted no time getting pics of my wooden leg.

I distinctly remember thinking to myself I better not see my snatch in tomorrow’s paper or I swear to god, heads are gonna roll.

“How’s Adrian, by the way? I owe him big time.” Even if he refuses, damnit!

“Probably still in bed. They gave him a heroic dose of morphine before bed- having a fort fall on your back is uh… bad. Doctors’ say he’ll pull through, though.” I blinked, then had a stray thought. Fucker better be alive.

When we reached the stage, I noticed how small the antenna was. “I thought this was gonna be broadcast everywhere?” I asked Dee.

“It is still. This is a short range tower because we only need it to reach the much bigger tower in Beaksmouth.” She explained simply. Before we got on stage though, they sent a test signal to the main tower, who was then gonna announce my speech over the radio.

We climbed onto the stage where I finally got a good look at the crowd- it was full of all kinds of people. Soldiers from my army, Fertilian guards, and what appeared to be plain clothed civilians, potentially here to show support from the nearby village. My crew stood at the front, and I gave them a quick smirk. Rosco gave a thumbs up and Sinan flipped me off, sticking his tongue out. I returned the favor, to the utter joy of the paparazzi.

After a few minutes, one of the technicians grabbed the mic, the feedback playing through the speakers and getting everyone to quiet down. He then nodded to my wife, who stepped forward. I was standing just behind her, slightly off to the side.

“Ladies and gentlemen of The Confederacy… After two months of hard fighting, I wish to inform you…” She paused briefly for dramatic effect. “The leadership of the MacDoggal clan have fully capitulated and have unconditionally surrendered themselves to us.” The crowd started cheering so loud I thought I was about to go deaf!

When they started to calm, she said “But the war isn’t over yet! Many clans still remain, wishing nothing more than to destroy our way of life!” Shouts of agreement rang out from the crowd, “BUT YET! THERE ARE PEOPLE THAT THINK WE SHOULD GIVE UP! THAT WE SHOULD GO HOME AND LEAVE THE DOGS ALONE!”

Outrage was the face of the crowd at this apparent revelation. “JUST THIS MORNING, WE RECEIVED A LETTER FROM THE DISGRACED “KING” OF FERTILIA!” She had them whipped up into a patriotic fervor, with the crowd hanging on to every word. “And reading that letter will be my wife- since without her planning and strategy, we’d have never made it this far!”

I walked up to the mic with a smug grin and said, “You’re givin’ me a bit much credit, here. You were the one making sure things didn’t fall apart at home.” She rolled her eyes and gave me a quick smooch on the cheek. She stood next to me, and I unfolded the slip of paper which the king sent us.

“I will be reading this letter, which was sent by King Grover. Currently, he’s hiding somewhere in Catlus… which calls to question the loyalty of the old monarchs. This letter will be proof of the King’s treachery.”

After a short dramatic pause, I read aloud- “The list of demands includes… Total recall of Fertilian troops and demobilization. He’s asking that after all this- we just go home… And you know what else he wants?” I asked the crowd, who stopped their sneers and jeers about the king to let me say, “He wants to arrest my wife and I! After all we’ve done for that rat, he wants to hand us over to Equestria.” The crowd started laughing, and I smiled.

“He says if we don’t surrender to him, then the Four Kingdoms will be forced to declare war on Fertilia.” I said, barely able to keep a straight face. I calmed myself down and said, “So to Caesar Lucius of Catlus, if you’re listening in… Where do your loyalties lie? Is it with yourself? Are you loyal to the Dog Lover King? And to the citizens of Catlus, who are no-doubt listening in, I ask you- if your Caesar asked you to march headfirst into certain death, would you? Because that’s what will happen if The Caesar declares war. I do not wish to fire upon fellow griffons and those loyal to the Old Regime may still be loyal to their masters… But when your loyalty is called into question, then you may find yourself on the wrong end of a gun.”

An important skill to have is saying what you mean without actually saying what you mean.

“Caesar, I must ask… what are you doing? You’re protecting a hated man from his own people. And I will say- if you do declare war, I guarantee you that within a week, I will personally put your head on a spike. We have guns, and what do you have? Spears? My rifle can punch a hole in your armor from 300 yards away.”

It was a bold threat- one which I wasn’t even sure of myself. I’m extremely confident that I can kick his ass and be home with my wife within a week or so- mainly because we’ve been training more people throughout this campaign. The idea was that at the end, all the people that participated in the first tour will be allowed on temporary leave while the rookies take over the next tour.

“And if you are listening, King Grover, I have my own counter-demands to ask of you.” I paused, and the crowd went deathly silent, wondering what my next words will be. This was it- this is my chance to secure my place within the collective hearts of the masses. I needed to choose my words carefully and wisely. I took a deep breath and said the following:

“King Grover, the 14th of Fertilia and Heir to the Throne… Go fuck your mother!”

My wife looked like she wanted to choke me in a not-fun way until the crowd went friggin ballistic! I leaned into the mic and reasserted, “GO FUCK YA’ MOTHER, KING GROVER! YA DOG LOVING TRAITOR!”

I looked over to Dee and winked. Her response to me was to roll her eyes and kiss me on the cheek. It was so loud that I could talk to her with my regular speaking voice and no-one’ll hear a thing. I covered the mic and said to her, “I’m SUCH a good orator.” She just snorted.

“Really? Go fuck your mother? That’s the best you can come up with?” I could tell by her playful grin that she was just busting my balls for the fun of it.

“Off the top of my head, yes. Come on, let’s calm these guys down so we can finish up and go home.” I turned back to the mic and tapped it a couple times.

Slowly, the crowd’s uproar became tranquil, and I could finally hear myself think.

“Before we all go home, I have a demand to make for The Caesar. Bring Grover to the Fertilian capital, where we will… take care of him.” I stuck my thumb out and looked at the crowd before drawing the thumb across my neck, to their amusement. I looked at the crowd with a wide grin and threw my fist into the air- a gesture which they all knew the profundity of.

“Let’s go home! I say we’ve earned it!” I said to a crowd that would jump off the tallest building in Fertilia if I told them to. As I stated these words, my wife turned to me and whispered the next thing to say. “Good news! We’re taking the train home!”

Since we’ve won already, we knew we’d be making that money back ten-fold. Dee had it arranged so that the train company would be getting a massive subsidy to make up for lost profit.

Thankfully, they brought a cart for my wife and I. I don’t think I would’ve made it on the march to Beaksmouth on that leg. Speaking of this leg, I’d definitely be replacing the fucking twig they call a peg leg. I was thinking- what if I could detach it and use it as a club? We’ll see.

And even better- as it turns out, my wife got us a private rail car. We… cuddled. Very hard.

But the work was far from over- after all, stabilizing the government after this clusterfuck oughta be interesting. Not to mention, we still have to deal with the rest of the diamond dogs, as well as...

Well. Bottom line is I can't wait to sleep in my own bed again.

Author's Notes:

So anyways, I got my gf to edit with me and both of us editing a google doc at once is like trying to fight off the voices in my head. Enjoy our schizophrenic ramblings.

Hmm

Should Leona pay for it or offer tax breaks?

fund r&d for electric trains

WAIT GLOBAL WARMING ISNT THAT A THING Leona put all her money into reinventing memes

Yes OH GOD

But it’s something that’ll become an issue far past Leona’s time
CAN WE RELEASE THIS AS AN EXTRA ITS FUNNY AS SHIT
I’ll put it in the authors notes and call it “the schizophrenic ramblings of two cute transbians”

That’s how mafia works BITCH

agreed
WAIT I GOT AN IDEA
What if my thoughts were italics actually nah that’s dumb i swear to god this better not be a holocaust joke

HEY MISTA WHITE WE GOTTA MAKE CHLORINE GAS FOR NEFARIOUS PURPOSES okay good

Damnit i wanna finish this chapter and get high lmfao

I have a discord server for this fic out now!! It'd be real cool if u joined :333

As always, thank you so much for reading! Likes and comments are very much appreciated :3

Opportunities

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God, these last couple days have been like walking on air for me. When we got off the train at that train station, I honestly almost wanted to cry. Everywhere we walked there were people looking at us in utter disbelief, all the meanwhile the next crew of lucky soldiers was boarding to make sure the dogs stayed in line. Unfortunately, bringing all the troops back will require multiple trips over a couple of days- but that was fine. Well, sort of.

What with the strained relations between the four other chucklefucks, Queen Annalise sent a small army to arrest us. When they showed up to our camp just outside of Beaksmouth, they waved at us and smiled as I later found out. I didn’t see this myself, mind you- I was one of the first ones on the train since I wanted to get off that leg.

As we were basically led down the streets of Featherworth with a guard detachment, Fertilian Tri-color banners which adorned buildings lining the street were cut down and replaced with a new flag.

I looked over to my wife in confusion. “Where’d that come from?” While the shape was minimalist, I could still see the resemblance to The Sign- it just made me a bit confused.

“That architect I was talking about designed it. I think it’s better- a kid could draw this one.” She explained, “Not to mention, it was cheaper to make than the old symbol, since it’s less complicated.”

Fair enough.

I was honestly surprised at how readily I was accepted, but then I realized- for almost twenty years these people have endured hardship and difficulty. Perhaps it was the result of a collective sense of exhaustion among an abused populace. Then when things started turning back up and it was revealed that I was the reason things started getting fixed, the people saw me as a hero, a savior.

I suppose it depends on exactly who you ask. And on an unrelated note- I think I might change the name of Featherworth at some point. I never liked the name, if I’m being honest- it always sounded so cheesy to me. But I digress.

Music was being played in the streets, people were cheering us on as we went, people selling food and just having a good time. My wife was walking right next to me- and when I looked over, she had a dreamy look on her face that I just adored, so I leaned in and gave her a peck on the cheek. “Well, baby… Is this what you wanted?” I asked her, and she just giggled wistfully.

“Ever since I was a little filly, I wanted to be a princess.” She idly said. I looked at her and asked,

“Would you settle for Empress?” She gave me a grin that made my heart skip a beat.

“Abso-fuckin-lutely.” She gave me a kiss on the cheek and I blushed a little.

Eventually when we made it to the castle, the guard captain was waiting at the door.

“Captain Abbandando.” My wife shook his hand. He looked at me with a grin and bowed,

“Don Grimfeather.” I nodded and held my hand out, which he shook. “Your throne is ready.” He said, and we followed.

The throne was not very elaborate- basically a large, comfortable chair. A very ornate one, at that. I didn’t like it, to be honest; I’d rather have an office with a comfortable office chair. In fact, I never liked this throne room or this castle- I always felt it to be a stark contrast to the darker coloring and theming of the rest of the city.

Something that I would eventually deal with.

As we approached the throne, I asked my wife- “You want it?” and she shook her head.

“Nope. It’s yours.” Servants brought in pillows, putting them next to the throne for my wife to sit on. I looked her in the eyes and we shared a brief kiss. Thankfully, the throne was close to the floor, so we were eye level.

I leaned back and took a deep breath. This… was really it. I looked to captain Abbandando and requested some time for my wife and I to get our bearings before I went and made another big speech. I told him that after dinner, I’d do a speech on the balcony- I instructed him to start drumming up hype while my wife and I spitballed things to talk about.

Among other things that needed done, we also had to write down how this new government works. Rules for succession and that sort of stuff. There were also a couple guys from my old crew I wanted to talk to. I planned on taking over the vice industries, and I know Benny knows a guy.

I also wanted to send out invites to all the big CEO’s and businessmen so I can explain to them how things are really gonna work around here. I planned to run this like the mafia, pretty much. War is ultimately bad for business, and to prevent any fighting, everything goes through me first. You don’t build a factory until I give you permission. You don’t whack your competition- without my permission.

In fact, I was gonna use this to my advantage. The neighboring kingdoms don’t have nearly the economic power we have here. We have the factories, the people, and… well. Bottom line is we’re gonna economically hold the neighboring kingdoms hostage until they give in.

Even still though- I own many, many factories myself, so I had my own interests to protect. But thank god- Abbandando has always been corrupt. Dee explained to me that she was able to convince him to come to our side after she gathered a bunch of blackmail material connecting him to the local crime boss… then explained that with me in charge, he’ll never have to worry about getting into shit again, as long as he stays loyal. He’s a real fuckin’ wiseguy.

After Dee and I ate our relatively quick and small dinners, we were led to a balcony on the castle wall. It overlooked the main avenue of Featherworth which itself was packed with griffons. Captain Abbandando was to give a quick introduction to drum up hype.

I wasn’t even paying attention to what he was saying. I stood there, nervously tapping my foot when I felt Dee put her hoof on my arm. I looked over and her warm smile helped to calm my nerves.

“We got this, baby.” Was all she said.

That, we do.

It was finally our turn to step up. Several microphones on the balcony edge were wired up to recording devices, broadcasting devices, and speakers set up all over the place. The crowd looked on, eyes full of hope, wondering what the future will bring.

“Ladies, gentlemen, and everyone in between. This is a momentous day; not only for our nation, but our people, even our continent! The order of old has been washed away and replaced by a system that will allow our society to progress and improve by an exponential rate.” I gesticulated wildly and spoke passionately to get my point across, much how I’ve always done it.

“No longer will we have to listen to a ruler without our best interests at heart. No longer will our people be subjugated by those we deem to be inferior. This day, which will be christened for centuries to come, is the beginning of a new dawn for griffonkind. A blank slate! We will rise above foreign occupation and carve our own path, our own way. And as we are entering a new era, I feel it is only just that we show the world that as well. As such, I formally dissolve the antiquated government of Fertilia, and hereby establish the Syndicate of Griffonia. FOR PROSPERITY!” I punched my fist into the air and the crowd went ballistic as they screamed and put their fists in the air. The roaring cheer was deafening, causing my tinnitus to flare up a bit.

It was beautiful.

I let the crowd calm itself down slightly before I put my hand up in a pipe down gesture.

“Our first act as Don Leona Grimfeather and Empress Diamond Tiara is to establish rule of law. During these early days, we must ask that everyone cooperate and keep the peace while we pick up the shattered remains of the Old Regime. Tomorrow, the castle will be open to all who wish to have an audience with my wife and I, which will also be broadcast over the radio.”

I said a bit more after that, but it was mainly for the purpose of blowing smoke up their asses. It wasn’t really important, definitely not important enough for me to write down here. I got other things to worry about- like taking care of this laundry list of shit that needs taken care of.

This… is gonna be interesting.

---

For Amelia Grimfeather, life was pretty great. She had friends, lived a quiet life in a quiet town, and had a daughter that personally made sure she’d never have to work again. Though admittedly, she did still work part time, even if only for something to do.

It was early in the morning and the rising sun turned all the dew into a light fog that caressed the air. She grabbed the paper and tucked it under her wing, heading to her favorite coffee shop.

Which was one of only two coffee shops in Ponyville… and they were right next to each other, oddly enough. Still, it was her preference; even if the only reason it was her favorite was because she was in an on-and-off relationship with the barista.

That’s another thing she liked about Equestria: open, casual relationships were much more common than in her griffon homeland. Not to say she didn’t miss her home, of course. She also missed when her daughter was only a day's train ride away, but Amelia knew she’d have to fly the nest someday. Ah, pun not intended.

Ultimately, however, she loved her life in Equestria. She’d made her home here, saw her daughter grow into the woman she is today here. No, she was fine with simply staying put. Besides- she was approaching her forties and whatever sense of adventure she had was spent on the trip to Equestria.

She took a seat at one of the tables outside the cafe, waving at the barista with a friendly smile- one which was returned without hesitation. Already, she was moving around the bar and exited, the bell dinging faintly.

“Ayy, Minty!” the mint-colored pegasus mare approached with Amelia’s cup of coffee already prepared. The mare gently rested her hooves on Amelia’s shoulders, giving her a quick kiss to each cheek and causing the recipient to giggle and blush.

“Hey, Ammy.” She said, sly grin on her face. “I figured you’d be here today, so I got your latte ready.” The latte in question had an adorable heart shape in the foam.

“Extra espresso?” Minty just giggled.

“Nah, I only did half espresso because I knew it’d piss you off.” She said, rolling her eyes and chuckling, while Amelia just giggled.

“Oh, you biiitch!” They shared a quick nuzzle, and Amelia couldn’t help but feel disappointed when her partner pulled away.

“If you want, we can get together and… play chess after my shift.” The mare said, and Amelia smiled with a faint blush.

“Gosh, I’d love to play chess after your shift.” She had an airy, dreamy tone in her voice. Playing chess is, of course, code language for something else entirely. “One more kiss for the road, my darling?”

Minty just snickered. “You’re so cheesy, you know that?” She said as she leaned in.

“I know. And you’re so sweet- what’s your point?” They shared a parting kiss before the mare had to return to work. Amelia let out a sigh.

She lifted up her latte, gently blowing on it before taking a sip. It had a faint minty flavor- which was a specialty of her partner. It was faint, but it was definitely there.

Nothing can ruin this day. Amelia thought this to herself as she took a sip of coffee and unrolled the newspaper.

What she saw on the front page damn near made her fall out of her chair in shock.

POPULAR COUP IN FERTILIA, GOVERNMENT DISSOLVED, GRIMFEATHER TAKES THRONE!

The picture directly underneath the headline was her daughter, giving the finger to someone off camera. Impressed, she took a sip.

“Holy shit, she fuckin’ did it.” She said aloud. Finally when she looked up from the article she realized that literally everyone had a copy of this paper. As a result- a lot of ponies were looking at her. She blushed, giggling sheepishly before running home and slamming the door shut behind her.

---

Ever since Diamond Tiara left, things haven’t really been the same for the Rich household. Ever since Spoiled Rich made that off-hoof comment to that who-gives-a-fuck reporter, her relationship with her husband, Filthy Rich became even more strained than it already was.

Filthy Rich loved his daughter more than anything. To him, she was his world, his reason for getting out of bed every day. She was supposed to step up as CEO of his company so that he could retire.

“Let me guess. You’re thinking about Diamond Tiara again?” They were at the table eating their breakfast when Spoiled Rich noticed her husband barely picking at his food. “It’s been almost a year, how are you still not over it?”

He didn’t even have the energy to bother glaring at her, only looking up with a hollow look in his eyes.

If you couldn’t tell, Spoiled Rich found her daughter to be a disappointment. Not only was her daughter one of the queers, she married a vulture and dropped it all just to be with her.

“I’m willing to bet that harpy already left her for some other tramp.”

That crossed a line. The patriarch of the family slammed his hooves down, causing his wife to jump. “You call my daughter a tramp one more time, see what happens.” He glared at her and she rolled her eyes, completely ignoring him as she grabbed the newspaper and unfolded it.

…

“HOLY FUCK!” She screamed, almost falling out of her chair. The first thing she saw was an image, depicting her much-hated daughter-in-law flipping someone off. Right next to her stood their daughter.

“What is it?” Mr. Rich scooted his chair over and read the article with her.

“Our daughter’s a princess!” she was literally shaking with joy upon hearing this. Not that she was happy for her daughter- no, she was happy to technically be part of a royal family.

Mr Rich had a warm smile. “Empress, apparently.” He said, pointing to a particular part of the article. “Alright, when you’re done reading, get your stuff packed.”

She blinked in confusion. “What? Where are we going?” She asked.

“We’re going to apologize to our daughter. You don’t have a choice.” She was taken aback by this!

“Wha- today!?” She yelled, “We can’t leave today, I have a spa appointment!” Mr. Rich just glanced back.

“We are leaving. Today. Before they close the ports.” He said to his wife, adding that “If you try and argue, I will personally drag you there with me. Don’t test me today.” Was all he said.

---

Twilight Sparkle took a sip of coffee, unfolding her newspaper.

She spit out the sip of coffee in shock, jumping out of her chair and running to her assistant.

She barged into her office and yelled, “Close all the ports and issue an embargo. Leona’s out of control. Until we get to the bottom of this, all trade with the Griffon Confederacy will halt.”

One of her assistants piped up and mentioned “Uh, your royal highness, wouldn’t that be collective punishment? It’s clearly just a rogue state and embargoing the entirety of The Confederacy may have negative consequences.”

Twilight immediately snapped back with “JUST GET IT DONE.” and slammed the door as she exited.

And that was that.

Carolus Rex

View Online

Ohh, boy, do I have a lot of shit to do. For starters, Twilight finally went off the deep end and banned all trade with The Confederacy.

Alright, fine. Our main exports have been tobacco, drugs, booze and immigrants for nigh-on 20 years now anyway. Our main imports have been raw materials, ores and the like. Well, diamond dogs are working on feeding that demand as we speak. Of course, that’s not even mentioning the dockworkers unions, all the private corporations, and fuck knows who else’ll be pissed off by this.

Depending on how long this embargo lasts, I may need to set up a smuggling operation. Ugh, more fuckin’ work for me.

But that’s not all. There was also the issue of dealing with the king’s heirs. He had two children- sons, they were. Their wives surrendered, since the marriages were arranged anyway, and agreed to stay out of the way.

Of course, that meant we had to tie off this loose end.

---

The sound of shovels breaking dirt pierced the silence of that forest. Captain Abbandando was there with two other guards, watching the two royals dig a hole.

They’d never worked a day in their lives, and you could tell. This hole, which should only take a half hour or so to dig, has been taking far too long. They were drenched in sweat, panting, and both looked like they wanted to pass out.

Abbandando sighed. “Alright, I’ve seen enough.” He said, and the two prisoners dropped their shovels with heavy sighs.

“Finally. Thought you were gonna work us until we died.” The one chucklefuck said, helping his brother climb out of the hole.

“Yeah, what… what he said…” After a few seconds, he decided to ask what’s been on their mind the entire time.

“So what’s this hole for, anyway?” Abbandando smirked.

“It’s yours.” He said, whipping out one of his pistols and shooting a prisoner in the head, causing him to flop backwards into the hole. Before his brother could even scream, the captain pulled his other pistol and there was now a golf ball sized hole in his chest.

The captain looked to his guards. “Make sure they’re dead.”

The guards whipped out their pistols and finished the job.

“Well that’s got it done. Let’s toss some dirt on ‘em and call it a day. First beer’s on me tonight.”

---

Not sure where he got the idea to make ‘em dig their own graves, but I wasn’t complaining. Work smarter, not harder I always say. Nothing beats the smell of regicide in the morning; Except quicklime, of course.

Meanwhile, my wife and I were doing the QnA- and lemme tell you, it was a shitshow. Obviously, this is an inefficient system for dealing with the public. Equestria’s way of doing things is a similar disaster- where Celestia/Twilight would hold court most of the week and delegate all the administrative tasks.

We’re gonna be doing things differently. A couple days into my rule, I had the castle staff start vetting the questions, to make sure they hadn’t been answered already. They would also answer questions as best as they could, and would only send people to my office when absolutely necessary.

Yeah, I abandoned the throne room. It just doesn’t match my vibe- it’s too big and echoey. I prefer a desk and an office chair in a smoky, dimly lit room. That’s my style.

So as an example, I’m gonna show you how I resolved a particular problem. At this point, I’ve only been in my role for a month- and I already hired Roscoe as the captain of my Enforcers; a sort of secret police that could operate independently from the courts of law. This way, things seem relatively legit on the surface and if any of my enforcers or… associates get into shit, I can easily make their charges… go away.

So anyways- this guy didn’t have a question. He had a request. I was sitting in my office, with my wife, Roscoe, and Abbandando. It was a relatively small room, but it was perfect for what I needed it for. I even adopted a cat- an orange tabby cat which somehow got into the castle. It sat on my lap and I idly played with it, and it purred like a truck. I named him Corleone.

I got a sense of deja-vu from it. He was a wealthy businessman, and quite successful, too.

“I believe in the Syndicate. She has made my fortune- and I’ve raised my daughter in the Fertilian way.” I could tell by his accent that he was a Northumbrian. “She found a boyfriend- and I could never be too strict with her. They’d stay out late, go to the movies, and you know, I never had a problem with that!” The cat rolled onto its back and started playfully swatting at my hand.

The guy continued- “A few months ago, they went out on the town- with another friend.” His voice was growing soft, “They got drunk… And they…” He grit his beak and turned his head, sniffling. Abbandando poured him a shot- which he seemed grateful for. “Well, she fought back- the way I always taught her to… and then…” I could tell he was trying to hold it together, so I kept my beak shut. “They beat her, mercilessly. When I got to the hospital- her beak was shattered, covered in plaster. She couldn’t even cry because of the pain…” He sniffled, taking a sip of whiskey.

After a few moments to recollect himself, he continued- “I… I went to the police. These boys went to trial last week, the judge sentenced them to three years… then suspended the sentence! I stood in that courtroom like… like an idiot! And those two mutts smiled at me!” He gave me a wide smirk. “I turned to my wife and said- For justice… we must go to Don Grimfeather.”

Did I mention this man is in charge of the largest gunpowder factory in Fertilia? He wasn’t just a nobody.

Upon hearing about the girl's shattered beak, I idly rubbed the scar on my own beak. “Why didn’t you come to me first?” He blinked at me in confusion.

“I thought it necessary to follow the courts of law. I thought they’d protect me.” He glanced to the side and practically begged, “Please, I will give you anything you want! Just… just do me this one request.”

I knew damn well what the request was- so I motioned for him to tell me. He slowly got up, and leaned over my desk, and whispered- I want them dead.

He sat back down and I scratched my cheek. I shook my head. “That, I cannot do.”

The pleading look never left his eyes. “I will give you whatever you ask for. Anything.”

I just chuckled under my breath. “We’ve known each other for… what, almost two years now? And this is the first time you’ve ever come to me for a favor. I can’t even remember the last time we’ve sat down and talked over coffee- even though I made your fortune by giving you that loan.” I had a warm smile on my face. He seemed to nervously swallow spit. “You never wanted my friendship- you were afraid of getting too into my debt.”

After a few seconds of sweat dripping down his forehead, he said- “I-I didn’t want to get in trouble…” I just snorted.

“I understand. You had a good job, lived a good life. Police would protect you and you didn’t need a friend like me.” I was scratching Corleone’s chin, which he seemed to love. “But ehh… now you come to me and ask, Don Grimfeather, give me justice.” My smile fell, and once again, he gulped nervously. “But you don’t ask me with respect. You don’t offer friendship. You don’t even think to call me Godmother.”

My smirk returned, and I gestured around the room- “You come into my house, on my birthday of all days, and ask me to do murder… for money.”

He leaned into my desk, lowering his head and putting his hands together. “Please… I ask for justice.”

“That is not justice. You’re daughter’s still alive, right?” He snorted and turned his head, a tear rolling down his cheek.

“Let them suffer, then! I want them to feel what she feels every time she looks into the mirror.” Forever conscious of the scar on my beak, I could sympathize.

I took the cat off my lap and set it on my desk, rising to my full height. I was just an eyeball taller than him. “Shirokov… Shirokov… What have I ever done, to make you treat me with such disrespect?” I took a step closer, and he seemed to shrink under my gaze. “If you came to me in friendship, then the mutts who hurt your daughter would be suffering as we speak.”

I looked him in the eyes and said, “And if an honest man like yourself should find enemies, they would become my enemies.” I pointed a finger to his chest to drive the point home. “And then they will fear you.”

After a few seconds of shaky breathing, he lowered his head but never broke eye contact. “Then… w-will you be my friend?” I just shrugged. “G-Godmother.” He bowed slowly, and I held my hand out- which he took, gently kissing the back of it. He rose and I smiled.

“Good man, good man.” I turned and put an arm around his back, my wooden leg tapping the ground. “One of these days, and it may never happen, I’ll call upon you for a favor.” I gave him a warm smile, which seemed to ease his nerves. “But until then, enjoy this favor as a gift of friendship.”

He let out a heavy sigh of relief. “Th-thank you, Godmother.” I simply nodded and let him be ushered out. I turned to Roscoe and said-

“Get some of your guys together. You know what to do.” He simply nodded.

But before we get back to my birthday- I bet you’re wondering how I got Roscoe in on this- you know, the goody two-shoes local sheriff, to be head of my above the law secret police.

Well you see, the justice system isn’t perfect. It’s impossible for it to be perfect, as it requires honest griffons across the board for it to work. You know- some crime bosses get so powerful that they can pay off all the juries and courts and basically do whatever they want.

The whole point of the secret police is to keep fuckers like that in line. To get to someone who’s above the law, you need people who can act independently above the law. But first- I had to touch bases with a certain part of society that would rather stay out of the light.

---

It was a couple weeks ago- Adrian was just getting out of the hospital and Roscoe finally returned to his home city of Sunnyvale for a leave. It was a mid-sized city, big enough that organized crime had just enough room to flourish.

Anyways, Ross invited us out for drinks- our first time getting together since the last battle, since Sinan and the Twins were still helping with the campaigns. We were in a little bar on the outskirts of town- just private enough that we wouldn’t be getting stormed the entire time.

I greeted Adrian outside the place with a hug- we were waiting on Roscoe, so we decided to go in and take our seats.

“You look like shit.” I said with a grin as we made our way to the bar. His injuries were much worse than mine- a couple broken ribs and his other wing was completely crushed, so it had to be amputated. He wore a coat over the nubs, and he still wore that eyepatch, which partially covered up several scars from chemical burns on that side of his face.

He just snorted back laughter. “You’re welcome.” Of course- he knew I was breakin’ his balls.

“Seriously, I owe you, big time. Drinks are on me.” We took our seats at the bar and ordered our drinks, “Hold on, this is supposed to be the part where you’re like oh no, I could never let you take the tab.”

He smirked and gave me the finger. Faint jazz music played in the background and there was a nearby company- some guy in a suit with a couple buddies of his. I thought nothing of it at the time.

“Sorry I’m late, fellas!” Roscoe announced his entrance, and we both turned to greet him with open arms. A couple quick friendly hugs were exchanged, and just as Roscoe was about to take his seat, suit guy spoke up.

“Hold on, is that Sheriff Roscoe over there?” He yelled, and my friend rolled his eyes.

“Hey, Tony Hazard! It’s been a minute, huh?” He greeted him like an old friend, going over and exchanging a quick hug. “You been keepin’ the peace?” Tony patted him on the shoulder,

“Oh, always!” he responded, and Roscoe forced a chuckle.

“Well, take care, now. I’ll leave y’all to it.” He tried to turn around, but Joe’s smile fell.

“And what about that money you owe me?” my friend's head fell.

“I’ll have it for you soon.”

“Yeah, you better.” was his only response, before going back to his drink.

When Roscoe sat down, I whispered- “The fuck was that?”

He began to explain. Basically, there used to be a much worse crime boss in this town. This guy took over and became a local hero, untouchable by the law due to popular demand. He had most of the cops in his pocket and the ones that didn't, he threatened violence against.

So I came up with a plan- I whispered it into my friends ears and they both agreed with wide grins. We were gonna get these bastards in line.

Calmly, we all sat up and joined the other group, sitting opposite of them. They all shared nervous glances amongst themselves, and Batty asked- “The fuck do you want?”

“Let me be frank with you.” I said calmly, a smug grin on my face. “Under this table is a gun pointed right at your balls. Multiple, in fact.” Their eyes widened, unsure of what to do.

Adrian spoke up. “First off- this guy here? Doesn’t owe you a damn thing. Are we clear?” The boss nodded his head. “Good.”

“Second thing is, I’d like to request a meeting.” I said, calmly setting my pistol on the table. “Let’s keep it civil.”

And so, I had a meeting set up. Important griffons from all over the Confederacy would be meeting here, so I had to… put on a show. It was like Apalachin all over again- All the bosses gathered together in this tiny village out in the middle of nowhere, meeting up in this guy's mansion. Even down to all the fancy carriages parked outside and everything.

The place was swarmed and surrounded by my guys, and I had a captive audience.

“Now, I know as I speak, you’re all planning to have me killed.” I looked around, and some of them seemed impressed. “First of all, I know for a fact that you’re all a bunch of high ranking bosses in charge of a criminal empire. But I also know that many of you serve your community- The people pay you tribute, and you make sure they don’t get fucked over.”

And that was the truth. That’s what the FBI never understood back home. These weren’t just criminals, they were businessmen. They understood that in order to keep the money rolling, they had to protect their people in ways the cops never could. That’s why so many of them dealt with the unions- they were making fuckin’ bookoo bucks off it. They get cuts from all the business, and all they have to do is make sure the workers get treated fairly.

A company wants to lower wages? Scare ‘em with a strike. They still insist? Send someone to beat the shit out of ‘em. Either way, the worker is the bottom line winner here.

So, the deal I made with them was simple; start paying me tribute… er, taxes, I guess- and I’ll make sure business stays profitable. If problems arose, I’d deal with it. Police breakin’ your balls? I am the fuckin’ police. Friend got pinched? I gotchu, as long as you keep paying me. It was a beautiful system- I could be at the top, delegating my orders as the boss, everyone is making money, the people are happy…

There were some ground rules, though. “No drugs.” I told ‘em. “Drugs are a dirty business, and will destroy this great nation I’m building in the long run. Gambling, booze… even women. It’s all harmless vice, way I see it.” I was standing before the crowd, with Roscoe at my side.

One of the guys piped up and asked “But what about pot? No one gets stoned and sells off their kids, you know?”

I couldn’t help but snort. “Nah, I plan on taxing that stuff like booze. It’ll be sold in the same state stores as liquor, actually.” Of course, they’d deal with the production- if not them, it’ll be someone else.

“But be warned. If this dirty drug business continues, there will be major consequences for those involved. My friend here, he’s a cowboy. He doesn’t need any search warrants, and you forfeited your right to due process when I found out you were peddlin’ junk.” Already, I made sure his family was well protected- even had them move to Featherworth. “So basically, if your name winds up on a list? Don’t be surprised if you wake up with a pair of concrete shoes.”

And that was that. I let them continue with their business, and as long as I got a cut, I’d help with whatever they needed. They didn’t have to deal with the police as often, I made money off ‘em, it was great!

As for the police themselves? All it took was changing who signed their paychecks to change their loyalties. Like a pig, it’s necessary to throw ‘em some refuse to keep ‘em happy. Cops are little more than hired thugs anyway- might as well be honest about it.

Of course, I wouldn’t just let anything slide. You fall out of line, you get whacked. That’s how it is. It’s one thing to murder some guy in the dead of night and bury the corpse in a field- but committing a murder in broad daylight, especially a civilian? That’s bad publicity, and begging to be made an example of.

Like the time the new “maniac tough guy” in town, Johnny the Hat, burned down a rival bar and started a massive fire. Killed a few people and hurt a few more, the fucker. It was him and two other guys that did it- and the people wanted names.

So we “arrested” the bastard. And to be honest? I had to be impressed with this fuckin’ guy. He was the toughest SOB I ever met. It was wild- for two days and two fuckin’ nights, we beat the shit outta this guy; we even stuck sewing needles in his balls.

“Better hope he gives us a name, or I’m gonna give ‘em yours, Adrian.” I said with a chuckle. There was a table with a vise on the end- so Ross and Adrian were tying him down, putting his head in the vise that hung off the end.

“Can you hear me? Listen to me, John.” I glared at him, his eyes full of defiance. “I got your fuckin’ head in a vise and I’m gonna squash it like a roach if you don’t give me a name.” He struggled vainly, “Don’t make me have to do this.”

He looked at me with a smirk… and spat some blood in my face. I just groaned in annoyance, wiping the blood off my beak and slumping my shoulders.

“Can you believe this fuckin’ guy?” I said to my friends. “Two fuckin’ days and nights…” I turned to him with utter hatred in my eyes, “Fucks sakes, fuck me, you muthafucker!” I started cranking the vise and he couldn’t even scream. I kept idly cussing him out as I cranked the device, causing his eyeball to pop out.

“You wanna talk now, fucko!?” I leaned closer to his face,

“Ch-Charlie M!” his voice was faint, and I felt my blood pressure spike. I was… a bit upset.

“Charlie M?” I said incredulously, “You mean to tell me I had to pop your eye out to protect that piece of shit!? Charlie M!?” I started walking away, but not before telling Roscoe to do him a favor.

It felt fuckin’ fantastic beating the shit outta some bastard that really deserved it.

---

But anyways, that’s about how things worked. You had the small, local governments, usually run by a mayor. Small cities, you had all the police and the courts- but you also had the wiseguys, who took orders from their boss. The boss collects tribute, and makes sure the greaseballs stay in line.

Further up the chain, you had the courts of law, which played a similar purpose to the Commission- which is a group of the most powerful bosses in the country. They were the ones that handed up names to add to the list, and made sure to keep everyone below them in check. And at the very top of the chain, you had my wife and I. My wife would deal with the more legitimate business deals with my assistance, and I worked on containing the underground.

It was a beautiful system- the only caveat was that you either played ball… or your name winds up on a list.

But anyways- you may be wondering why I didn’t just use the parasite to get the answer out of that guy earlier. Well you see, last time I used it was to find out who gave the dynamite to Shattered Jewels. I was interrogating him like I normally would- next thing you know, I woke up on a cot, surrounded by doctors. We were already in a medical tent, thank fuck- Jewels was having… complications after they sewed his bag back up.

They told me I had a grand-mal seizure- the last thing I remembered was an intense feeling of vertigo after I got a mental image of the culprit. Doc said I fell to the floor and was convulsing for a few minutes before I passed out and apparently pissed myself.

After hearing about that embarrassment, I decided then and there that I couldn’t rely on my tongue anymore. It’s a shame, too- it was instrumental in the initial war effort. The fact that I could extract 100% accurate information 100% of the time was fantastic- but whatever.

Besides- better than risking a brain hemorrhage. Doctors wanted to run more tests, but I said nah- I got shit to do.

But still, I had enough information to figure out who gave them the dynamite. After all- how could I forget the faces of Flim and Flam? As soon as I remembered their names, I had someone help me sketch out the wanted posters. You’ve heard of Wanted, Dead or Alive… This poster says Wanted Alive but Brutally Beaten First.

Okay, it doesn’t actually say that… but everyone knows it’s implied. Those fuckers took my leg, Adrian’s wings, and god knows what else. Equestria may be too timid to properly deal with those snake oil selling frauds… but the Syndicate has its own policy for dealing with recidivism.

But before I could do any of this? Before anything else happened? I had to get rid of the King.

---

Let me tell you, the turnout for the event? Fuckin’ massive! Griffons from all over Fertilia showed up to watch the king die. He was being paraded through the street on a wagon with a large cage atop- the kind used for transporting criminals. Evidently, the Caesar of Catlus made the right choice.

I, myself, was waiting in the field outside the city with a massive crowd watching.

The carriage was parked in front of the large crowd, where there were microphones set up. The king glared at me- and I smirked.

“You traitorous bitch! Do you know how much I’ve done for you!?” I laughed in his face-

“Hey, you can call me anything you like. Queen, Empress, Consul, Godmother, Don, Bitch, it doesn’t matter. I’ve already won.”

He growled at me, “What do you think you are doing here!? The throne is mine! It is my birthright! And who are you to think you are even the slightest bit worthy of my throne?” I couldn’t help but snort.

“What am I doing here? The fuck you mean, what’re you doin’ here? I thought I told you to go fuck your mother!” That phrase was broadcast over the radio once more, causing shouts of go fuck your mother! To erupt from the crowd.

“NOW YOU LISTEN HERE YOU WENCH! RELEASE ME NOW, AND YOUR DEATH WILL BE SWIFT, KNAVE!” He screamed… before pathetically erupting into a coughing fit which caused him to double over.

“You and what fuckin’ army?” I asked, glaring at him. “Face the facts- you're done. It's over for you. The people don’t want you anymore- that’s all there is to it.” He scoffed at me.

“Do you think I give a singular shit about what the people want? They’re nothing but a bunch of brainwashed idiots who don’t know what’s best for them. They’ve forgotten their purpose!” he yelled, and I could physically feel my approval rating going up.

“What do you think is best for them? What is their purpose?” I asked, smugly.

“To serve me and to serve the state! The individual has no use beyond their use to the state. I protect them and they worship me- that’s how it is, and that’s how it always will be!” I thought to myself, that may be true- but you don’t just say that out loud! I turned and spoke into the mic-

“Ladies and gentlemen, you’ve heard it here. That’s what he thinks, eh? Well, you know what I have to say to that?” I had a smug grin still, and the king glared fiercely. “In accordance with the will of the people, I hereby strip the titles of all nobility within the former region of Fertilia. All property owned by these cretins is now under sole ownership by the Griffonian Syndicate, and its people. With this edict, loyalists and those who benefited most from the old regime are being hunted down and executed as we speak.” I turned and whispered to the king- Even your cousin.

His look of bravado fell rapidly after that. “Tacitus Grover the Fourteenth… You are accused of using your position as King to plot against all of griffonkind with the goal of forwarding the interests of foreign powers-” But, I was interrupted.

“Foreign powers? Who, the fucking Zebras?!”

“…ahem. You are accused of treason and anti-Griffon behavior. On behalf of the people of the Griffonian Syndicate… I sentence you to death via a 500 gun firing squad.” His breathing seemed to intensify, and he was shaking his head. Apparently, it finally dawned on him how fucked he was.

“W-wait, please, I-I can be r-reasonable!” He begged for his life pathetically, and I laughed heartily. “Please, I-I don’t want to die!”

“Have you looked in the mirror, lately? You only had like, a week left in you, tops.” were my last words to him before I walked away calmly. Operators worked quickly to move all the recording equipment out of the way- lest it all get shot to hell.

The king sat in his cage dejectedly as the firing squad got ready. It was beautiful- rows of 20 soldiers lined up in 25 rows. As soon as one row fired their volley, they would move out of the way of the next row.

The thunder of volley fire drowned out the cheering and applause only briefly, and I was using a monocular telescope to get a good view of the action. The king twitched pathetically on the bottom of the cart, and the next row fired their volley.

And so on and so forth until the king's body was a pile of mushy gore and shattered bones. Surprisingly, the face was still somewhat recognizable… so I had them reload and try again. The crowd wanted an encore, what can I say? This morning, I set out to answer how many bullets it takes to render someone unrecognizable.

As it turns out- more than 500, but less than 1000. Neat.

---

The other nations of the confederacy weren’t happy about my treatment of the old royal family… so I signed an NAP agreement. One which I would definitely follow to a T, and I definitely will not use hired men to sabotage their supply lines, make them look incompetent, and force them to submit to my will, no sirree.

Them and what fuckin' army, you know?

All in due time, though. Let me tell you- this past month has been so wild, I decided I had to take the day off for my birthday… which I planned to do, anyway. After the Shirokov meeting, the rest of my day was free. Adrian, Roscoe, my wife, and I were there- Sinan and the Twins were still at the front… though admittedly, there wasn’t a whole lotta combat going on. We were eating a fancy dinner that night, and everyone had strict orders to leave me the fuck alone.

So when one of my servants came in and said that these guests insisted, I was quite pissed… until I realized who was here.

“MAMMA!” I yelled, nearly jumping over the table to greet her with a hug. I was so excited to see her, that I didn’t even notice who was entering with her.

“Mother!?” My wife yelled, and my eyes shot open. Who else? Who else but my fucking in-laws? I glared at my mother in-law... and she glared right back like I didn't fucking own the joint.

Fucks sake.

She Only Bitches When She Breathes

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God dammit all. Tonight was supposed to be a good night! I greeted my father in-law with a smile and a handshake.

“Welcome to the Syndicate, Mr. Rich.” He seemed pleasantly surprised. “How’s business been going?” I asked him,

“Quite well, actually. We went through a whole rebranding after the… gala incident… ever since then, we’ve rebranded to just Barnyard Bargains and started running coupons and flash sales; people forgot about the gala after that.” We both shared a laugh- we both knew all too well how easy the masses are to manipulate.

“Take a seat, my man! Maria, bring out that fancy wine!” I yelled to my wife's assistant…

Oh yeah- my wifes assistant? Turns out, she’s the daughter of my first victim. Out of all the people, it had to be… her? Either way, she’s nice enough, I suppose. I dunno why she’s so skittish when I leave her alone with my wife, though.

Anyways, Mrs. Rich walked past me to join her husband with a faint smile… until I grabbed her by the collar, glaring intensely into her eyes.

“You have some fucking nerve showing your face around here.” She started nervously glancing around, sweat running down her forehead. She stuttered, but I interrupted- “If you weren’t the mother to my wife, I’d have you thrown off the tallest fuckin’ building I could find.” Her pupils shrunk and she started to shake, and I let go of her collar. Her husband didn’t even double back.

We took our seats, and Dee decided to address the elephant in the room.

“So… why… just why?” It seemed like she had been racking her brain for at least a solid minute or two, so I put a wing around her.

“Why are you here?” I looked over to Mamma for this one. “Sorry, but this came so outta left field, you know?” Mamma giggled.

“Well, as soon as I heard the news, I figured the border would be closing… so I thought, why not? I had a good friend of mine keep an eye on the house.” She then turned and glared at Mrs. Rich. “And apparently, that hag wanted to apologize.” An insult the subject of which would not take lying down.

“Now who the fuck are you calling a hag, you-!?” She half-yelled, making a move to get out of her chair.

“Let me stop you right there.” I said in a cold, stern voice that even caused my wife to straighten her back. “I don’t think you realize who owns this place. Who do you think owns the justice system? Who do you think controls the army? Who, in the god damn fuck, do you think signs everyone’s checks here?” I glared at her intensely and grit my beak- she seemed to shrink in her chair. “I guess what I’m saying is, if you DARE insult either my wife or my mother, I will bury you alive.”

After a few seconds of awkward silence, I added- “You are my guest, here. If you think you have any fucking right to walk into my home and demand anything from me, I’ll eviscerate you so fast, you won’t even have time to beg for mercy. Capiche?” She was shaking, and rapidly nodded her head. Bitches like her are always quick to backpedal. Her husband, though? He chuckled upon seeing his wife’s reaction.

I turned to Adrian and Roscoe with an apologetic look. “If ya’s don’t mind? This is a bit of a personal thing, I don’t want either of ya’s getting tied up in my bullshit.” They nodded in understanding and I walked with them to the door- which was only a few feet away. “I’ll meet ya’s at The Suite and we’ll get drunk and play poker all night like we planned.”

Roscoe looked at me with a smirk. “Trouble wit’ tha in-laws?” He gave that stupid chuckle again, “You let me know if’n I need’ta send backup.”

“Alright alright, take it easy, boys. I’ll catch up.”

“Good luck. If you need help throwing her out a window, let me know.” I’ve told my pals stories about my mother-in-law around a campfire. I admit- I rarely painted her in a flattering light.

As I walked back to the table, I saw my wife had a… disturbingly neutral expression. I’ve seen that look before- and I was fairly certain I knew what she was thinking… But part of me hoped dearly that I was wrong. I sat between my wife and my mother, and my in-laws sat directly across from us. I held my palms up, gesturing for them to start.

Mr. Rich got out of his chair. I could overhear Mrs. Rich saying something under her breath, almost in a panicked and shrill tone, What are you doing?! You can’t get close!

He approached my wife with an apologetic, almost sad look in his eyes. “Diamond Tiara, please… I’m sorry. I’ve always wanted what was best for you and…”

Honestly? I actually believed him. I knew he loved his daughter unconditionally like a father oughta- he was just a workaholic. He was always busy, and he never seemed to be able to make time for his daughter… or his wife, for that matter. But on the few occasions where he stepped in to defend and/or protect her, I knew for a fact Dee never had problems after, at least for a while.

One particular story actually comes to mind: the time Dee and her parents were eating dinner together, and her mother, the absolute cunt, had the audacity to call her own daughter a faggot. I’ll never forget the look on her face when she told me he literally slammed the plate he was carrying on the ground, shoved her into the china cabinet, and threatened to break her jaw if she ever called his daughter that again.

You know somethin’? I’d do the same fuckin’ thing for my kid if it ever came down to it. The only difference is, I more than likely would follow through with a threat like that... No wonder my wife’s a sociopath.

Anecdotes aside, at this point, Mr. Rich was about finished with his apology spiel. I feel bad for not hearing his entire apology, but fuck ‘em.

“But could you ever forgive me?” My wife had a puzzled expression, almost like she was still racking her brain from earlier.

“Why did you stay with her?” A simple question, which was asked in a deadened tone of voice. It reminded me of when Silver Spoon abandoned her: she had the exact same tone of voice, mainly because she was desperately trying to not cry in front of everyone. “Why didn’t you divorce her?”

“How could he?” I pitched in. Dee turned to me with a shocked look, a slight twinge on the edges of her mouth. “Divorce her, and lose half his shit to that hag? Risk losing you in a custody battle? He’d be crazy to risk it!” At least, that’s the way I feel about it.

“It’s because I wanted you to have a normal life!” Well, my guess was close enough. “And, yeah, that also, to an extent.” I fucking KNEW IT! “I didn’t want you to be like those other kids always swapping from house to house; I knew the kids from school would never let ya hear the end of it!”

I leaned in and whispered to Dee, where I was hugging her from behind, “It’s alright to cry. We won’t make fun of you.” Immediately, her body was racked with sobs, and she started sniffling. Her father had a beaming smile on his face, and immediately took her in for a hug.

He raised his hoof, and I took the hint and backed off. She cried hard into his chest that she missed him, and that she was sorry for leaving him. It was real touching- but of course, her bitch mother had to pipe up.

“And what about me? Am I gonna get a chance to apologize?” Her words were laced with her own sense of moral superiority. Coincidentally, her voice made her the most punchable object in the room.

I raised up the finger. “Here’s your chance to apologize. Go fuck your mother.” Her eyes shot open and she snorted defiantly.

“You bitch! I oughta-” It was a bizarre scene, if I was being honest. Dee was laugh-crying into her fathers chest after that stupid insult. Just full-on ugly howling laughter mixed with sobs that just from the look of it felt so, so relieving. Her mother was jumping over the table and the guards in the far corners of the rooms were scrambling to intercept her. While that’s happening, my mother was nonchalantly lighting a cigarette; evidently, the conversation had far exceeded the boundaries of “her business.”

I’ve never really talked about my mother-in-law too much, mainly ‘cause it raises my blood pressure too much to even want to think about her. Why would I wanna remind myself of all the times my love had gone to her mother for help or advice, and was instead met with reluctance and ridicule? Why would I wanna talk about how she went out of her way to personally make it so that the love of my life never feels good enough? Everytime something goes wrong, in that hag’s eyes, it was always Dee’s fault.

I’m only explaining this to put into reference the context of my wife’s mindset in the next scene. She understands fully what her mother did- I’ve explained her abuses many times to her, as her very own DIY therapist. She has a lot of pent up anger, and well…

As she cried into her fathers shoulder, I calmly approached the guards. “Help her up.” I glanced back to Dee and we made eye contact- and she nodded. I knew exactly what she wanted. “You feeling alright, Mrs. Spoiled Milk?” I asked, raising my wings and pretending to brush dirt off her shoulder as a distraction.

“Wha-what are-” She was asking- and I gripped her hard and swung around…

… to where her daughter was waiting with one of the guards' batons. Personally, I don’t approve of matricide, but ultimately, what my wife wants is what my wife wants.

Then again, I'd be a hypocrite to stop her. After all-I did the same thing to the mother who abandoned my human self. Speaking of which- after the baton… bashed itself into her nose a third time, my mother flew a peace sign, cigarette hanging out of her mouth, and calmly asked the guard near the door where her room was.

“Love ya, Ma! I stashed a whole crate of cigars in your room. We’ll talk later!” I already had a room set aside-just in case she ever decided to visit.

“Love ya’ too, sweetie. Come home safe.” And that was all she could ask for at this point.

I think the only reason I focused on these details so much is because I really didn’t want to pay attention to the savagery going on right in front of me. Just- the shouts of sheer fucking anger coming from my wife chilled me, and the cries for mercy from her mother made me shiver.

I knocked her to the floor and figured, fuck it, I’ve made it this far. I started kicking the shit out of the nearly unconscious ogress while Dee threw the truncheon to the side and just started whaling on her with her bare hooves. We were both getting sprayed with blood and despite all the disgust I felt, I gotta admit…

She turned me on. I stood up to get out of my wifes way and gave Mr. Rich an apologetic smile.

“Sorry, Mr. Rich, I didn’t wanna whack her in front of you.” I then looked to one of the guards, “Get a room ready for him.” My father in law just raised his hooves.

“Hey, I didn’t see a thing. Business is business. And please, call me Phil.” I gave him a smile. He knows what’s up- ever the shrewd capitalist, he always was.

I whipped the tablecloth off the dining room table, and helped my wife put the corpse on it, hastily wrapping it up. I looked back and scoffed.

“Fuckin’ mutt cracked my leg.” I admit- I’m still using the shitty hospital one. I just haven’t gotten to replacing it, but it was starting to chafe like a motherfucker. Id’ve gotten to it sooner or later, either way.

I had some guys take the stiff downstairs and put it in the back of my carriage. As they dragged it out, I ran over to my wife and hugged her tight.

“How ya feel?” I asked, unsure of how much my wife thought this through. She took several deep breaths, her expression remaining neutral. “Good? Bad? Unsure?” after a few moments of silence,

“Honey, where’s the wine?” I couldn’t help but feel relieved.

“Tell ya what, let’s meet up with the guys. We’ll get wasted, play cards, and dump this stiff in the woods. How’s that sound?” She gave me an odd sounding giggle.

“Oh sweetheart, I don’t want to get wasted… I want to get absolutely fucking obliterated. Call your drug guys and the IEA. It’s time to burn both our memories and some royal garbage.” Ah- The IEA is the official government designation for the Enforcers. Internal Enforcement Agency.

God damn-I even have my own three-letter agents now! I wonder if Roscoe will start glowing in the dark soon?

Wait. What?

I held my hands up in a slow the fuck down gesture. “Woah, woah, calm down. No drugs. Just booze and cards. Those drugs’ll turn your brain into fuckin’ mush.”

She groaned in feigned annoyance. “You’re no fuuun!” She embraced my neck and kissed me on the cheek. We made our leave and I spanked her with a wing on the way out the door.

By the time we got cleaned up, our carriage was already loaded with the cargo- We’d just bury it tonight with the guys’ help.

When I arrived to the little run-down bar owned by an associate of mine, my friends greeted me by yelling happy birthday, to my embarrassment.

“Well, that was quick!” Adrian said, and I chuckled.

“Yeah, we got it all taken care of. Pretty much.” I said, whistling for the bartender- some older fellow who ought to be in a retirement home. I ordered my whiskey and my wife’s usual wine- and the night unfurled.

We played cards for a while, but eventually, we were just chatting around the table. We didn’t want to get too drunk, after all- we had shit to take care of.

“Did I ever tell ya’s about the time she burnt a salad?” My wife sighed in annoyance.

“Will you ever let that go!?” I just snorted,

“No, I won’t, because it’s funny as fuck! See, we were both baked out of our fuckin minds, you know?” It was story time, and everyone was listening. “And you know, eventually you get the munchies! So Dee gets up, says she’s gonna make a salad. Ya see, this is where our different diets can really fuck us up. So I said to her, ‘heat up my calzone in the oven, would’ya?” She was blushing and I wrapped an arm around her, downing a shot of bourbon while everyone calmed their laughter.

“Aaaanyways, she gets up- makes her salad. You know- lettuce, tomatoes, cheese, peppers, flowers, that sorta rabbit shit!” The table, being mostly griffins, was roarin’ with laughter, and I said- “so she heats up the oven for my calzone. And you know- it takes a couple-a-minutes to heat through. Now, up to this point, everything is fine, but this little cutie over here got a worse attention span than me.”

My voice was dead serious, and I gestured accordingly. “She put the fuckin salad… in the oven… then, get this, she walks away! We were so fuckin’ stoned, both of us fucking forgot the whole original task of get food!” I downed another shot for good luck, and to help keep a straight face. “And we were just chillin’, layin’ on the floor, listenin’ to music… and then I get a whiff of somethin’ that’s smells like burning paper and charcoal, and I gotta muster all my fuckin’ energy to get to the kitchen, y’know, cuz I was just fuckin obliterated. As I’m walkin’ there, I’m wondering what in the fuck is wrong with this calzone? I open the oven and after the smoke clears out, all I can see is melted cheese and some black shit. It took me a sec and then it hit me, and I yelled out ‘Dee! The salad! The salad is burning!” I gripped my side, wheezing out laughter, “She burnt a fucking salad!”

Eventually, our laughter started to die down, and Roscoe complimented- “Yer a funny gal!”

My laughter slowed and I looked him dead in the eye. “I’m funny… How?”

---

Once again, Amelia was alone, left to wonder just how the fuck her life ever got this wild. She was the mother of a dictator, of which married a genuine psycho. But yet- she learned a long time ago to not think of her daughters… darker tendencies. Just give her a hug and be glad she made it home alive.

She was laying on her comfy four-poster bed, smoking a cigarette and reading out of a cheap pulp magazine. It was like the fanciest hotel room you’ve ever seen- it even had its own separate living room area, and a kitchen with a minibar. There was even a button to call for room service!

She heard someone knocking at the door- and curiously, she got up to answer. You see- unlike her daughter, she’s not paranoid… so she just opened the door without a second thought.

“Phil? What’re you doing here?” She greeted him, and the aging stallion shook her hand.

“I just… wanted to talk about tonight. You got a minute?” She ushered him to the couch, telling him to take a seat.

“I got bourbon and cigars. Sound good?” She asked with a grin, and Phil chuckled.

“Sounds fantastic. Bring ‘em over! I’ll show you how it’s done.” They sat on the couch, and Rich taught Amelia how to properly smoke a cigar. It was a bit awkward, though- the guillotine was made with griffons in mind, since you need fingers to use it. It was easy enough to understand, and soon they were both drinking whiskey on the rocks and puffing cigars.

“You’re probably wondering how I can live with myself knowing my daughter’s a murderer, right?” She asked, puffing on her cigar. “Well, the answer is… well, I don’t know.” Phil looked up from his glass of whiskey.

“You don’t know?” He asked incredulously, and she laughed.

“Not a fuckin’ clue. I’ve found that the best thing for me is to keep my mind occupied.” She took a sip, and Phil urged her to go on. “I’ve found that promiscuity works well for me. And honestly? I can’t look at my daughter without seeing that sweet little hen she was.” She gave a sigh, staring off into the distance. “Even if sometimes, I see that same little hen, laughing while covered with blood.” Phil nodded somberly.

“I… I doubt I’ll ever forget the sight of my daughter just…” He was getting choked up, and took a sip of whiskey. “I just never knew she had it in her, you know?” Amelia laughed and threw a wing around his back in a friendly manner.

“Ain’t that the fuckin’ truth. You know what I do?” She said, using the cigar to gesture around. “You know, I just cherish every second she’s around. Like, I don’t care what she does, as long as she comes home safe.” She couldn’t help but laugh as a particular memory popped in her head. “You’re home! It’s two-o-clock in the morning, sit at the table, I’ll make some fresh peppers and sausage. Where’ve you been, it's been three nights! Dee’s here too? I’ll make some hash browns for your fillyfriend, come in, sit down and eat something!” That little anecdote boosted both their moods significantly.

“No wonder she spent so much time over at your house!” His laughter slowed, “If I ever saw my wife happily cooking for my daughter at two in the morning, my first thought would be changeling!” After some shared laughter, they both calmed down with a sigh.

“Goodness, when was the last time we’ve ever sat down to talk?” Amelia asked, and Rich snorted.

“Too dang long.” she agreed wholeheartedly.

“You know what?” She said with a giggle, getting off the couch. “Let’s go find out where our daughters went.” He just shrugged, thinking why not? Tonight can’t get any more fucked anyway.

---

It was getting pretty late- approaching 11PM, so we decided we were about done for the night… until two more showed up.

“HEY, MA! OVAH HERE!” I yelled, getting their attention.

“Hey, daddy!” My wife greeted her father with a hug, and I whistled for the bartender to bring us more drinks.

“So what’re you doin’ here? I figured you’d be in bed!” Mamma, of course, giggled.

“What, and miss my own daughters’ birthday party?” She said, and I couldn’t agree more.

“I find myself in dire need of a drink, right now.” Phil said plainly. You may be wondering how he was taking this all in stride, but you have to consider; this man is a die-hard capitalist. He’s not afraid to strongarm people to get a better deal for himself, though he usually hires help to do it for him. What I’m saying is- he’s a bit… cold. Much like your average gangster- usually, the only difference is whether they hire people for their dirty work.

And so, we all wound up getting way more fucked up than we intended that night- which was an issue, since we still had that problem to take care of.

“Alright, alright, we’ll take the wagon.” I slurred a bit, stumbling over a rock. “Ross, Adrian, you two pull.” I dismissed the guards ages ago- it was getting stupid late, and they had families to get to.

“Fackin… who diedn’made you queen?” Ross slurred as he hooked himself up.

“Grover did. He died and made her queen.” Adrian said- somehow, he was the most sober out of all of us.

“THat’s DON, to you!” I declared, almost tripping and falling as I climbed into my seat. I often forget I had a wooden leg, somehow.

“Leona, be nice!” Mamma yelled, thumping my head with a wing. “And cut back on tha’ swearin’! All’a ya’s!”

“I’m an adult, Ma!” I yelled, and then I added- “And the fucking DON!” thwap.

Point taken. I grumbled, and crossed my arms in defeat. Dee and her father sat behind us- the seating arrangement was kinda set up like an SUV.

“Y’all know the place. Let’s get some dirt on ‘er and call it a night.” I said to the lads, and they gave me a salute- which morphed into a middle finger. “Look, I’m sorry. This was unplanned, but you know I’ll take care of ya’s.”

“Why did you think we were following along? Loyalty?” Adrian said, and I rolled my eyes.

“Glad I have such good friends.” I lowered my hat, and intended to get some shuteye when my mother piped up.

“You’re not dropping us off?” Mamma whinged. We were all pretty fuckin’ hammered, and I wanted to make sure everyone got home safe. They were safe with me- I’m a professional.

“Just get some shuteye, we’ll take care of ‘er.” I said, starting to get irritated.

“What about Equestria?” My dear ol’ father in-law spoke up, and I sighed.

“I’ll put an obituary in some fuck-off publication and we’ll say she dropped from a heart attack. Don’t worry, lemme get some fuckin’ rest over here!” not that I ever got that often, of course. As much as I hate to admit- Seeing those dogs over and over in my dreams just… agh…

Thump!

I snapped back to reality- everyone around me was sleeping peacefully as we went down the road. How long was I out?

Thud! Thunk!

“The fuck?” Dee asked, awaking from her sleep. We all rose slowly, wondering what the fuck happened.

“Whe hit somethi’?” Ross asked, sounding like a zombie. Shit, I might have to pick up slack to get us home.

“Oh for fucks sakes…” Dee muttered angrily- and we pulled over, into the woods on the side of the road. We lit a lantern I had stashed in the cart- because realistically, we all knew what the racket was.

“Gimme your knife.” Dee commanded, taking my dagger- but before she could open the trunk, I grabbed her.

“Wait. Ma, Phil- take a smoke break.” I commanded simply, and they understood. They stood a good 20 feet away- each lighting up a casual cigarette, trying to pay no mind to the travesty that’s about to happen behind them.

“Just be glad it’s not your daughter in a situation like that.” Amelia said, and Phil nodded solemnly.

We moved to open the trunk- and sure enough, Spoiled Milk was still alive- thrashing about. She froze when the door opened, looking up at us. She had a pleading look in her eye- and she moved her mouth and shook her head, as if to beg for mercy. She could barely move her hoof to defend herself as her daughter rushed in with a knife, stabbing her over and over again.

“Fuckin bitch, DIE! DIE!” Oddly enough, I could see the glint of a tear in Dee’s eye, glistening in the moonlight. A tear of guilt? Relief? Happiness? I dunno.

Amelia puffed her cigarette, and was mid-conversation with Phil, when she couldn’t help but flinch…

BANG! BANG!

…as two gunshots rang out from behind.

“Despite all this? She was a good piece of ass.” Phil said with a remorseless chuckle about his now assuredly deceased wife.

“I know.” Amelia said, and Phil turned over to look at her with a look of what the actual fuck in his eye. “What? She was in heat and you worked all the time, what, did you think she wasn’t sleeping around?”

“How many people banged that whore!?” Amelia just chuckled, throwing a sympathetic wing around his back.

“Buddy, just be glad you never caught the clap. Happened to me once.” She said, causing him to jerk away from her. “What? I’m clean!”

Meanwhile, I was slamming the trunk shut.

“Fuck ‘em. Fuck ‘em.” Was all I could say, helping bring the cart further in to bury her.

---

In the end, we hucked her in a shallow grave with nary a second thought. But still- it don’t sit right with me. Maybe it’s because I have a good relationship with my Mamma and I felt bad that Dee will never have that chance.

I mean, maybe someday they could’ve reconciled? I dunno. Maybe she realized it too- when we were cuddling that late night, she started crying outta nowhere. Say’s it’s because she’s glad to have her father with her again- but who knows.

The next morning when we got up, probably sometime around noon, Mamma made us all breakfast. I noticed Roscoe and Phil were picking at their meal- but I paid it no mind. Business is business, after all. I really did feel bad for dragging them into this- but like I said, I make sure they’re well taken care of. It’s the least I could do, anyway.

But in the meantime? I had a couple things I needed to take care of, eventually. For one, I had an “important meeting” with my wife and Adrian. I also had a plan to get the heirs of the rival kingdoms on my side to secure my long term rule.

I had a lot of eggs on the skillet- but hopefully, it’ll all pay out. Doesn’t help that I planned to complicate my personal life even further, but what can ya do?

Coldest War

View Online

As it turns out? Closing the border did fuck all to us. With more and more diamond dog clans surrendering, we were digging up enough gold to make up for it. I mean, it was simple- Mint the coins, and then throw that gold at some new development project. I mean, the people loved that philanthropy shit.

All sorts of things to invest in- we actually opened up our own stock market, right here in the heart of Fertilia. We were also improving the living conditions of the dogs, somewhat- enough to keep them from complaining. Most of ‘em sleep in proper beds now- which you can’t tell me ain’t an improvement.

Another way we appeased them was by respecting their traditions, somewhat. We let them have their holidays, days off, whatever they wanted to keep them happy. Or if not happy- at least complacent.

They know damn well the alternative.

But that brings us back to the gold- we were bringing in so many gold bars from the MacDoggal clan, the mints couldn’t keep up!

Someone proposed that we build more, but then I realized! “Wait, why the fuck are we still not using paper money?” After a few looks of confusion, I elaborated- “Special bank notes that are tied to a set value in gold. Much more convenient than just coinage.”

Then we threw some gold at some textile industry experts, and they made a sort of cloth-based paper which would be hard to copy and easy to verify. For reference, I used the denominations of the US dollar, since that is what I was most familiar with. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it I say. Except the two-dollar bill. I still don’t understand the point of those.

It was at first met with skepticism- but nonetheless eventually it caught on. It was simple- each bit was worth a set amount in Dollars, and to exchange them you simply needed to bring them to a bank. The gold was consolidated into the treasury, locked tight within the castle and kept under constant surveillance.

Eventually, I was gonna spread my hoard across multiple forts- but all in time. While that’s happening, the other kingdoms of the Confederacy are breathing down my back, saying I’m hoarding the wealth- but who cares? What do they matter? We’re building our own economy from the ground up, and I’m not letting them have any of it until they give in and fly my banner.

You may be wondering how? Well simply put, I control the unions. Construction, Electrical, teamsters, all sorts of shit. No public project gets funded without union permission. Do you need a pension loan? All through the union, baby. And if anyone dares try to compete?

---

“‘Trow ‘em in tha harbor, boys!” An Enforcer agent yelled.

---

Well, they usually get the message. And not only that- My army continues to march under my banner, increasing in strength and experience by the day. And believe me- I had the cash and the credit to keep them marching forever, baby.

That’s what wars really come down to- is how much material wealth you can throw at your enemies. A war economy is constantly draining resources, and as the death toll rises, the drain of resources may exceed production. That’s why I believe there was wisdom to my methods- my brutality to thousands saved the suffering of tens of thousands.

I say this, but it doesn’t make it any easier to sleep at night. Fuck. It’s one thing to whack a guy who has it comin’. I know what I did was something else entirely, and you know? I cannot feel sorry for what I did.

I admit- the royal life fits me greatly, and I don’t regret it one bit. Far as I was concerned, everyone else could get fucked- they were suckers! And through my wife deifying me with propaganda, the future of our kingdom looks brighter and brighter by the day!

It had been a year since I took the throne, and I decided it was time to take what was mine. I had a meeting with Twilight to deal with the border issue. Finally- I had big plans, and I believe that cooperation would benefit us both in the long run. And at the same time, I had a sort of… deal going on with certain heirs to certain thrones.

These young heirs want their parents' crowns well before it should be their natural time… so I thought I’d help them speed up the process. That, and I figured it would look less suspicious if I had it taken care of while I was away.

It was perfect- I’d get to have a chat with Twilight, the heirs of the other kingdoms would swear their allegiance to me as the Capo dei Capi- or, Boss of all Bosses. They would be allowed some provincial autonomy as Overboss of their region, but ultimately, they answer to me.

---

The Crystal Empire was chosen as the meeting location, as it was considered neutral territory between our kingdoms. The place was as gaudy as you’d expect for a place made by ponies, what with the weird crystal-based architecture. It was just Dee and I- as we’d left the rule of the kingdom to Adrian- which wasn’t that difficult, anyway.

We walked into the room side-by-side… and were both quite surprised to see Celestia with Twilight. I should’ve figured she’d want her mentors' help.

Twilight had gotten noticeably taller since I last met her, and Celestia? Her age was starting to show. The wrinkles around her eyes were visible to all.

“Ayy, Twilight! Long time no see!” I said, offering my hand for a shake. She glared at me because I knew I was breaking protocol- I just didn’t give a fuck. “Oh, come on! Can we just skip the bullcrap and get on with the meeting?”

“But it’s tradition-” Twilight piped up, but I interrupted her.

“Fuck ‘em! Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people!” I quipped, getting a chuckle out of Celestia.

We both calmed down and took our seats across from each other.

“Let’s start with the obvious.” Twilight said, shuffling papers.

---

Queen Annalise of Nalot lived a lavish life, full of comfort and decadence pushed to the limits of decency. She especially loved her fancy spa treatments- where the masseurs would soothe the pain caused by sitting on her fat ass all day.

So it was only fitting that it was some janitor that had been working there that did her in. I mean- that guy had balls. He waltzed right in the room, and the Queen put her glasses on to see who entered her private spa room… then she was shot in the eye, right through the glasses!

And you know the wild part?

They never found the crazy bastard, either. He dropped the gun and ran- the search party looked for weeks! But they never would’ve found him anyway; Because by that point, all the makeup was removed, and the griffon they were looking for might as well have never existed in the first place.

---

“What I did was prevent a prolonged conflict that would’ve cost hundreds of thousands!” I argued my case.

“But you tormented them! They suffered needlessly!” Twilight rebutted, and she wasn’t wrong either.

“I admit, I did it! But that’s not what this is about! This is about trade between our nations!” I said, and Celestia agreed.

“Perhaps we should get back to that topic? While I don’t agree with the methods, I cannot deny the results.” I couldn’t help but grin. Finally! Someone who wants to talk biz!

---

King Habsburg II of Corvyn was… a bit old, and out of touch, but surprisingly not hopelessly inbred. Seeing the prosperity of Fertilia, his people loved him less and less… so he decided to hold a parade, to boost his approval rating. Or… try to.

It would be a simple affair- the King would be in an open-top carriage, being pulled down a main street. Of course, he wasn’t that popular, and he had to take a detour to avoid protestors.

This was actually bad- since I had a fellow waiting for him on that road! But not to worry, there’s this sandwich shop nearby. Get one of their ham and cheese hoagies, you’ll feel much better about your failure.

Wait. I’m gettin’ some serious deja-vu.

As it turns out- the route the King was taking? Goes right by the sandwich shop! And I think we all know what happens next. My associate got pinched- and his bond was set to… two bits. The judge sentenced him to ten years… then suspended the sentence.

Then he skipped town and laid low so we could push the narrative that the criminal was behind bars. In reality, we made sure to take good care of ‘em.

---

“Hold it up to the light.” I said to Celestia, who was inspecting a dollar bill.

“Oh, I see! Marvelous!” Obviously, it had the red and blue proofs letting you know that it was the real thing. “Twilight, why haven’t we switched over to this yet?”

Twilight rubbed her temple. “But what about that money you stole from Equestria?” Eh, no point denying it.

“Way I saw it, I was just taking back money that was stolen from the Griffons.” Twilight just gave me a flat look.

“Elaborate.” was all she said. Dee decided to answer.

“When the dogs first started to strike, Equestria held a monopoly on coal- one which they took massive, inexcusable advantage of.” She then pulled out a folder full of charts and graphs, detailing things like market prices of various essential resources which the griffons were getting shafted over. “Furthermore, the Immigration Tax Act of ‘01 barred many griffons from being able to escape poverty, of which was enforced by the Equestrians.”

If you didn’t know, ‘01 refers to the year 1001 AB- or, After Banishment. See, Celestia decided to standardize calendars sometime around then, and used her sister's banishment as a reference point. Some say it was so she could more easily count the days until her return- but who knows.

---

Tsar Fyodor of Northumbria loved his fancy dinners. So much so, that sometimes, he wouldn’t be as careful as he should’ve when hiring a new fancy cook. He had that same folly that many royals had- that is, he believed he still had the love and admiration of his people.

He believed wrong.

The Tsar was served borscht as a sort of appetizer, after a large course of zakuski- or, the Northumbrian equivalent of an antipasto platter. Ah, but the poor bastard noticed too late that his spoon, made of silver, had turned an ugly, tarnished black. Soon after that, he fell to the ground, convulsing wildly.

His throat closed up, and he died of asphyxiation that very day. And you know the crazy part? The last time anyone saw that chef was when he was making dinner. Weird, huh?

---

“Surely as a professional businessmare, you could’ve seen the shrewdness of such an action.” Celestia said, and she wasn’t wrong.

“While that is true, it doesn’t change the fact that we were taking back what belonged to us in the first place.” I argued, tapping a finger into the table to accentuate my point. Twilight opened her mouth to say something, but I interrupted. “And before we circle back to my methods, think about it- how could we have really solved this without any suffering? And before you suggest that time heals all wounds- time doesn’t heal starvation, not by itself.” Twilight pursed her lips because she knew that I wasn’t wrong.

“I mean, we’ve been backed into a corner. Fighting back was inevitable no matter how you look at it.” I said, lighting a cigarette. With a puff, I said- “Waiting any longer would have caused undue suffering for untold thousands. And that’s not even beginning to mention the poverty the dogs lived in. In fact- I’m willing to believe that’s what caused this disaster to begin with.”

---

Caesar Lucius of Catlus was… just going about his day, really. Well, I’m going to keep it simple- a servant was able to get him alone and shoot him in the head. But you know, that’s not the crazy part.

The autopsy report revealed that it was complications related to organ failure that actually did him in- the coroner said the bullet came later. It was a secret I was keeping from his heir; I actually tracked down and asked the agent, of whom I totally didn’t send, what really happened.

Old fucker croaked from a heart attack before the assassin could get to him- but thankfully, he was smart and put one between his eyes before bailing.

What, did you expect Caesar to be ganged up on and stabbed by his senators? Come on now, I’m a professional! I can’t afford to be that predictable!

---

“What happened was, when those treaties were first signed, it was early in our industrial revolution, long before the crash. As the quality of life improved for the griffons, the dogs were left to stagnate. Everything they did was by hand- many dens didn’t even have proper lift or minecart setups, instead opting to move the stuff by hand.” I said, and Twilight put a hoof to her mouth in thought. “So eventually, they told us to get bent- and all that progress was undone. They would rather live in poverty than spend another minute serving us.”

I noticed how I tend to justify my actions a lot. I have to wonder if it’s a coping mechanism of some kind. The question is, is it a healthy one?

After a few moments of thought, Twilight asked- “And how are you addressing the problem? Or are you just repeating the same mistakes of the past, just with different weaponry?”

Of course, I thought this one through. “By improving their lives. Did you know that most Diamond Dogs under my rule sleep above ground, in proper beds?” In cheaply constructed tenement buildings reminiscent of Victorian slums, but still an improvement. “Minecarts and lifts are standard in any den. They have the rights to consistent breaks, holidays, maternity leave, and whatever other niceties I can afford to offer. Same with all the workers in my Syndicate.”

I planned to try as much as I can to prevent a gilded age. Twilight seemed less amused.

“While that does line up with our reports, what you did was wrong and cannot go unpunished!” She said, a smug grin caressing her face.

“And what are you gonna do? Declare war? Go ahead, send an army of ponies to an early demise, please! Fuck around and find out!” I mocked, and her smug grin never left.

“Oh, Leona.” Celestia said with a chuckle. “You forget that Equestria has many allies. One of which you stand no chance against.” She said ominously.

Just then, I heard a rattling, like a suit of armor. The feathers on my neck stood stock straight as I realized a possibility I never even considered. A large, scaly possibility situated off the western coast of Catlus. The massive tropical volcanic island was home to the dragons, who’ve long made peace with Celestia, and by extension, the world. The dragons are content to keep to themselves usually, so I never even considered the lizards.

“Dragon Lord Ember, so good to see you!” Twilight greeted her like a friend. The blue dragon was wearing armor made of gold, and covered in sharp looking spikes.

I remembered seeing her around Ponyville, when she was first crowned Dragon Lord. According to the rumors, she couldn’t even read at the time.

“A pleasure to see you again, Twilight.” They shook hands warmly. Evidently, the Dragon Lord took to book learning quite well, and it reflected in the way she carried herself.

My wife looked nervous, and I gently set my hand on her shaking leg, calming her down considerably.

I calmly gestured for them to go on.

“As current Dragon Lord, I rule over the dragons… as the title would imply.” She said, as if reading from a scroll. “And since I must do what is best for my people… our population requires expansion… and I believe the Catlian mountains of Catlus are exactly what we need.” She gave me a smug grin and unrolled a map.

A significant portion of Catlus had a line drawn through it.

“Oh, fuck off!” I slammed my hands down on the table and stood up, much to the shock of my wife and Twilight. “No deal, ya fuckin’ shysters! What kind of jackass do you take me for!?” Needless to say, I was pissed.

“You didn’t even hear our terms, yet.” Ember said, using her draconic firebreath to light a tobacco pipe. She took a heavy drag and blew the smoke across the table, right into my face. I held in my cough- I wasn’t gonna give her the satisfaction. “Unless, of course, you wish to go to war with the Dragons. What was that thing you said earlier? Fuck around and find out?”

I was furious, but I had to force myself to calm down. Dragons are like flying tanks- hard outer shells of scales with massive offensive capabilities, due to their aforementioned fire breath. Currently? We wouldn’t stand a chance.

With a heavy sigh, I asked. “What are your terms?”

Without skipping a beat, she answered. “First of all, the agreed upon territory will belong to the Dragons, and no-one else.” After a few seconds, her implication sunk in.

“You… you can’t do that! That land belongs to us!” I pleaded, “It’s our culture, our heritage! And kicking the people off their land won’t get rid of them, either!” I angrily slammed my fist into the table, “Do you know what kind of refugee crisis this will cause!?” I was so pissed off, I started pacing around- a sort of nervous tick of mine. “I mean, you’re destroying homes, businesses, and livelihoods!” I tried to appeal to their emotional side, like I always have.

It didn’t work. Ember continued like I hadn’t said a word.

“That also includes dominion over the coastal Guano Islands.” I froze, mid step. That is a massive fucking problem.

“Is there a problem, Don Grimfeather?” Celestia asked in a smarmy voice, and I sat back down at the table. “It wasn’t hard to figure out that saltpeter was an essential ingredient in your gunpowder.” She then turned to Twilight, who beamed proudly.

“And I read in a book that guano is rich in nitrates! That’s why you had griffons digging up the stuff, right?” My mouth went dry. I reached for the pitcher of water that was in the middle of the table and poured myself a glass. “Er, nitrates is referring to potassium nitrate, or… saltpeter, as it’s more commonly known.” She said, and I desperately wanted to shoot that smug grin off her face.

She handed me a document, with a line for a signature at the bottom- along with a quill and inkwell.

“What if I refuse to sign?” I asked, though realistically, I knew the answer. She merely cocked an eyebrow, and I sighed, rubbing my temple.

“Well, can I at least get a regular pen?” I asked, and upon seeing their looks of confusion, I elaborated- “I’m left handed. The side of my hand drags along the paper while I write. I can’t use a quill.” After a few moments of hesitation, Twilight pulled a pen out of her suit pocket and levitated it over.

Click, scribbling, click.

“I admit, I’ve been outplayed.” Despite how pissed off I was, I honestly respected it. I smiled and held out a hand to shake.

“Wait, wha-!” My wife spoke up, and I moved a hand to silence her.

We all shook hands amicably, and sat back down.

“You got me today, really. Well done, Twilight- you’re learning!” I was being genuine with my compliment. My amicability seemed to be throwing everyone off- something I planned to use to my advantage. “But I must ask. Can you at least allow the travel of private citizens from one nation to the other?” I asked the princess, and she bit the inside of her cheek in thought. “There’s families that’ve been split and haven’t seen each other in almost a year. What do they got to do with all this?”

Needless to say, Mamma and Phil were forced to stay… but Mamma decided to stay of her own volition, after I told her my personal plans.

After a few moments of consideration, Twilight sighed. “Yeah, that’s fair. Fine, I’ll allow it.” Gotcha bitch! I gave her a wide grin, and we shook hands once more.

My expression of amicability dropped instantly, and I could’ve sworn the temperature in the room itself fell. “Si vis pacem, para bellum. Do you know what that means?” I asked them, and they glanced at each other in confusion.

“It means If you want peace, prepare for war. That is what I believe in. I call it Parabellism- it’s a philosophy that states that in order to protect one's interests, one must be prepared to fight for them.” I explained simply, and Celestia squinted her eyes at me- perhaps as though absorbed in thought. “Do not think I will take this humiliation lying down.” I said, slowly pulling out a cigarette and lighting it. I puffed in and blew the smoke… right in Celestia’s face.

“Likewise, Don Grimfeather.” Celestia said, glaring at me with an air of mock respect. She pulled out a manilla folder. “But I must ask- what happened to Mrs. Spoiled Milk?”

“Died of a heart attack, nothing could be done.” I answered a bit faster than I intended, to be honest. She floated what seemed to be a small photograph out of the folder and snorted, sliding it across the table for all to see.

“HOW DID YOU GET THIS!?” It was clear as day- my wife beating the shit out of her mother while I held her still. Celestia merely giggled.

“Now now, why would I give away my secrets?” She was smug, and perhaps this is retaliation for my insult. She started looking at more photos, mockingly covering her mouth and giggling. “Oh, my, my! Empress Tiara, I must say- your mother has quite the nice set of flanks. Or, had, rather. It’s a shame, really.” She held the photos in front of her like a hand of cards and my wife blushed intensely.

Once again, Celestia’s got me completely off my game! I forced out a chuckle. “What’re you? President of her fan club?” I shouldn’t have said that. I should not have said that. Hindsight and all that. She gave me a cheshire grin as a response.

“Oh, no, of course not. That would be your mother.” She slammed the photos on the table face up and sent them all across the room, and I was forced to see more of Mamma than I ever wanted to see. Dee and I quickly scooped them up with the intention of burning them later.

“Oh, look at this one!” I heard a nearby guard ogling one of the photos of my mother, and I ripped it from his grasp with a gimme that!

“Alright, alright, so you’ve got spies. Somehow. Fine, I can live with that.” I sighed, blushing intensely. “But can we at least agree to no more… dirty stuff like this?” Twilight was the only one in the room that wasn’t laughing at my expense, surprisingly.

“Yes, I agree.” Twilight spoke up, “This is childish and stupid.” She had a sort of disappointment apparent in her voice. Celestia just rolled her eyes.

“Oh, lighten up, would you Twi? It’s just-” But to the surprise of fucking everyone, Twilight finally slammed her hooves down. Even Celestia froze stiff.

“I think… We've all forgotten our places in the world.” She glared at her old mentor. “If I say no more of something, I do not wish to repeat myself. Am I clear?”

She had a point. Didn’t stop Celestia from looking surprised, though. She buckled and nodded to her old student as she finally took the reins from her old master. She turned to Ember.

“While your dragons are occupying the Catlian Mountains, they will stay neutral with the griffons. If anything happens to break the cold peace between our nations, there will be hell to pay. Am I clear?” Ember nodded her head rapidly. “Good.”

"Remember, Leona. This punishment is your own doing. I will be monitoring you, and I expect nothing but your best behavior. Understood?"

Having had enough insult for one day, I held a hand to my temple, “For fucks sakes, you people.” I muttered to myself, wanting nothing more than to go home and take a nap. “You fuckin’ people, I swear.” I made a move to get up- when Twilight spoke up.

“Hold on, hold on, back up- what’d you just say?” Twilight asked, that same snippy tone in her voice. I just laughed it off.

“Oh, come on. What did I say?” I didn’t care, but Twilight had to press further.

“No, no, you people. What does that mean, you people?” I just sighed,

“Look.” I said, firmly. “We are done talking about this.” I pointed angrily at the table, and couldn’t help but grin. “You elitist fuckin’ cocksucker!”

That, evidently, was the final straw. My eyes shot open as Twilight used her magic to literally throw the pitcher of water off to the side.

I admit, we got to roughhousing a little bit.

She lost.

---

On the train ride home, Dee was holding an ice pack to my blackened eye while I smoked a cigarette.

“Well, that was fucked.” I said, and my wife nodded in agreement.

“What now?” She asked, her voice already sounding defeated. “And put out that cigarette! You promised to quit smoking!” She ripped it from my mouth and stomped it out.

The reason why she wanted me to quit smoking?

---

It was about a week ago, when I went into heat. You remember that meeting with Dee and Adrian? Well, it was a… bit more than just a meeting.

It was… so fuckin’ nice. I spent all week getting raw-dogged by Adrian while pleasuring my wife. They’d start with each one of them taking a side of my neck to kiss, which turned me into a quivering mess every fuckin’ time.

We even tried all sorts of new shit- he’ll never admit it, but he loved getting pegged. He can deny it all he wants, but the noises he was making told you everything you needed to know.

If you haven’t figured it out, we were trying for a baby. As one of my best friends, Adrian was happy to take on the role of Godfather to my child.

---

But it was still too early to know if it took, though. I rubbed my belly, just wondering what the future would hold? Of course, I had to stop drinking again and stop smoking again. That… is gonna suck, but what can ya do? I’ve been wanting this for awhile now, anyway.

In fact- that’s how I convinced Mamma to stay. As soon as I mentioned grandkids, she was giving the deed to our old house to one of her girlfriends.

“What’re we gonna do?” My wife asked, hugging my side. She sniffled- I could tell she was scared.

Well simply put, I had a plan. They want a cold war, we’ll give ‘em a cold war. The plan was simple, really.

The dragon population is kept in check by food and available resources. But due to their enormous size, the birthrate of new dragons is… quite paltry. If you take down a fully grown dragon, it takes quite a while for another one to grow to replace it. That’s what we would use to our advantage.

Our guns may not be powerful enough to take down a dragon… but artillery might. I compared Dragons to flying tanks, and I stand by that metaphor. Like a tank- if you can pierce the outer shell, the guts are intensely vulnerable to attack. What I’m suggesting we do is arm ourselves and prepare as much as possible, before taking our land back from the dragon hoard.

That said- I’m not declaring war unless victory is almost certain. After all I’ve worked hard to acquire, I refuse to lose it all now.

As for the saltpeter issue- we already had a decent pile of the stuff amassed, but it wouldn’t last forever. I had some solutions lined up, though. For example- piss. There’s other ways to get nitrates, and we were gonna have to explore every avenue… no matter how disgusting.

Worst case, we’d try to expand below the southern hemisphere. We’ll try not to step on any toes, but the minotaurs can be a bit… ornery. Either way, I’d be creating my equivalent of the Guano Act, which would allow griffons to claim uninhabited guano islands in the name of the syndicate.

All while that’s happening, my wife’s gonna have to kick our propaganda wing into fucking overdrive. People are not gonna be happy when they’re forced to uplift their entire lives just to keep the peace… so we were gonna have to spin this like a fucking turntable.

After all- nobody wants war with the dragons. The plan involved a lot of mudslinging at Equestria and the promise of rising again.

We rose from the ashes once. We’ll do it again, damnit.

And as a cherry on the big fuck-you sundae, we’ve got changelings! God damnit, I’m constantly looking over my shoulder. Guards have been subjected to daily “Blood Checks”- that is, until we figure out a more sophisticated method, we’d simply check the color of their blood. If it’s red, then it’s no problem. If it’s bright green, and somewhat bioluminescent? You’ve got a bug infestation.

God. I’ve been working non stop these past two months since that disaster, and I think the stress is getting to me. These past few weeks, I’ve been getting sick in the mornings from anxiety.

Like just this morning, I remembered waking my wife up, puking my guts out in the bathroom.

“You alright, baby?” She asked, standing at the doorway as I washed my beak out at the sink.

“Yeah, I’m good.” I said, drying my hands off with a towel. “You know, it’s just anxiety. Ever since I quit smoking, it’s like I’ve had a chip on my shoulder, all the fuckin’ time.” My wife, oddly enough, snorted.

“You’re telling me you still haven’t connected the dots?” She asked me as she climbed back into bed, patting my spot with a hoof.

“What you mean?” I asked her, following her example. The nausea returned, so I was glad to at least be laying down. My wife pulled me in, letting me be the little spoon as she often did during times of stress.

“Baby, that’s not anxiety making you sick.” She whispered in my ear, and I blinked twice. “Sweetie, that’s morning sickness. Do you know what that means?” She had a playful tone in her voice, and I felt my heart practically jumping for joy!

“I’m gonna be a Mamma…” I mumbled, reaching above our bed and opening the window. The frigid December air blew in, and my wife cuddled me tight. “You’re gonna be a mamma!” I muttered excitedly, silently wishing the nausea would go away. The cold air helped immensely with that.

“Y-You’re gonna be such a good mamma, t-too.” She shivered, and I felt a little bad for her and shut the window, the lack of cold air making my nausea come back full-force with a vengeance. “I’m proud of you, baby.” She whispered in my ear, and I couldn’t take it anymore.

I jumped out of bed and ran towards the bathroom… but had to settle for the trash bin instead. I didn’t even think I had anything left inside of me, to be honest. “Sorry, honey.” I said, sitting on the floor with my back to the nightstand, trash bin still in hand.

I sincerely hoped I didn’t have 9 more months of doing this shit every morning. God, it’ll get real old, really fast.

But hey- I had my Mamma here with me. She promised to help me through this- and something told me I was gonna need her.

In the meantime… I’d get back at Equestria eventually. At first I was considering a space-race… but then I realized.

The Equestrians already unintentionally won the space race, a thousand years ago during the banishment of Luna.

Those fuckers never even gave us a chance to try!

So, arms race it is! Something told me that Twilight and Celestia already figured out the secret to gunpowder, and if they don’t, it’s only a matter of time.

Things… are gonna get really interesting.

Movin' Out

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You wanna know the most difficult part of this whole shitshow? It’s not the embarrassment of losing a bunch of my territory, although it’s definitely up there. No, the worst part of it all is the logistical fucking nightmare this whole thing’s been. Ugh, do you know how hard it’s been to organize this shit?

Well first and main priority is the people. Due to the nature of this whole thing, we’re gonna be losing a lot- homes, businesses, entire livelihoods uprooted just so the dragons could have their “Living Space.”

And of course, there was the challenge of convincing the citizens that I was doing what was best for them. For that, honesty was helpful- no one’s suicidal enough to try and fight dragons, not with our current level of firepower. The general sentiment could be boiled down to an overall distaste for Equestria’s imperialism.

With that, I had all telegrams in the… occupied region, transmitting one single message.

WRAP IT UP!

I admit, it reminded me of the days when the cops were closing in on our favorite hangout. Throughout the region, anyone with a pulse began stripping out anything of value, anything worth a damn, to take back to Fertilia. We’d be back, and we all knew it- it’d just take a little time.

After that, the region left of Catlus was so miniscule, it was decided that it would be absorbed into Fertilia.

Then there was the issue of integrating the Catlians into Fertilian culture. To accomplish this, we threw all sorts of fairs and community events. Not only did it keep the people entertained, it also helped them bond with their new forced communities. See, we tried to keep the housing as concentrated as possible, to make it easier to integrate them into our lifestyle.

God, we built so many fuckin houses these past three months.

The key to this whole thing, I think, is keeping an overall message of hope and prosperity. It helps to show the people that what they’re fighting for is a noble cause, and a sense of obligation out of national pride. Actually in a few months, right before my due date, we’re gonna be hosting a massive science exhibition to boost morale… but more on that later.

Second priority was digging up as much birdshit as we possibly could. Normally, we have our operations set up around clusters of islands, with a refinement plant staged in the center. This is because the finished saltpeter is much lighter than just barges full of birdshit, which would then be stored and shipped to the mainland.

We were throwing this all out the window in the name of speed, and just sending barges full of birdshit to friendly ports and storing them in whatever warehouses we could find. We had to- the deadline to leave was a measly three months! We brought on all kinds of workers, and even brought a significant number of diamond dogs to help shovel the shit.

In the end, we had a good stockpile… but then again, it wouldn’t do to stick with old ways constantly, no sirree. After all, why stick with muzzleloaders? I got the wealth and the resources of the nation in my wallet!

That’s where the National Research Union comes in. It was a sort of loose collective of scientists and other assorted nerds, who researched stuff for a salary. I give them parameters and goals to meet, and they report back with their progress to keep the funding going. This was much more efficient than just hiring freelance nerds off the street, of course.

That’s what the science exhibition is about- we were gonna build it, right here in Featherworth! My architect has a vision, and I’d love to see it through- it’s everything that we’re about! Progress! That’s what we stand for! All sorts of cool stuff is gonna be exhibited there, but I’m not gonna spoil it just yet…

Ah, but enough of that.

All the meanwhile, the Overboss of Catlus, Augustine, was constantly breakin’ my balls over the whole land thing, and what the fuck am I supposed to do!? My hands are tied, we cannot go to war with the fucking dragons! No matter how big a caliber I make my rifles, against a full grown dragon? Fuckin, might as well be goin’ at ‘em with peashooters! Not to mention, those dragons go for our powder magazines? KABOOM! NO MORE GUNS!

“Sweetie, calm down. You’re gritting your beak again.” My wife gently put a hoof to my arm, pulling me out of my spiral of anger. I rubbed it, as the roots have been getting sore from how fucking pissed off I’ve been lately. We were on a train, heading to another meeting with Ember. I might have to leave my guns behind to keep from shooting her myself.

“Babe. Calm.” My wifes voice soothed me, and I could feel my blood pressure returning to normal. I let out a heavy sigh and leaned into my wife, using her lap as a pillow. She started lightly stroking my head feathers, and I decided to rest my eyes.

“Thank you.” I sighed and she giggled. I’d be fucked without her, and I knew it. She tapped my head to get my attention- and I saw that Maria brought my ice cream. I’d thanked her with a smile like I always did, just trying to relax. And I really did try, just eating my ice cream and trying not to think about it.

The train whistled- signaling the approaching stop. It wasn’t actually a station we were stopping at. It was the edge of a bridge spanning a great river- the Rubicon, coincidentally enough, was chosen to be the natural border between our nations. Already, I could see dragons flying, circling the cities in the distance.

A small post office was our destination. But we weren’t alone- Ember arrived with her normal entourage of guards… but she brought a guest, to display dominance. Her father… the old dragon lord, Torch. Bastard was as tall as a skyscraper, had curved horns probably heavy as a truck, and teeth that were as big as me. He wore a black iron chest plate, forged from dragonfire, and which weighed incomprehensibly heavy.

This is why we couldn’t fight the dragons. We wouldn’t stand a chance right now. But that’s okay- I had a plan. I always have a plan.

I sat at the table on the porch in front of the small, wooden post office. It had an odd western kinda vibe.

“Don Grimfeather.” Ember greeted me with a smug grin. “Let me turn your train around for you.” She said cooly, snapping her fingers. In a display of further dominance, her father picked the front train car up like it were a mere wooden toy and carried it to the other side, attaching it to the back car. Today was officially the last day.

If there were still any griffons left behind, God help the fools.

“Don’t feel so bad, Leona. It’s going to a good cause.” She said, sitting on a wooden chair and leaning back. “And hey, at least you get to watch a show.”

Just then, a large flock of dragons descended upon the bridge- burning it, tearing it apart piece by piece, making absolutely sure to lock us out. It was more of a symbolic gesture than anything. We spent the next hour or so discussing final terms- but I wasn’t all there. My wife would give me a rundown later.

The whole thing left a bitter taste in my mouth. Still though- my new home boosted my mood immensely.

It just got done being built a week ago, actually. It’s a real nice place- plenty of room, a big office, great security, and PERFECT for raising a family! Despite constantly getting fucked around every corner, I couldn’t not feel excited about my baby! Fuck the castle- it was too big, a baby could get lost!

As for the castle itself? Well, we essentially turned the place into a refugee camp. The actual rooms cost money, but the majority of people slept in tents in the hallways. We even transformed the dungeon into a sort of cheaper alternative for those who wanted more privacy- we just nailed boards over the bars.

It wasn’t horrible, though. We made sure to provide them three meals a day, laundry services, and once again- the dungeon showers were transformed into a sort of stalled community shower. Every day, more and more people are finding jobs and moving out of the castle. The end goal, I think, should be to retire the castle completely.

One of these days. Besides- I had all sorts of cheap public housing projects going on at once, where the needy can at least have a cheap roof over their heads. It honestly looked kinda like a city from home, just without the skyscrapers.

Of course, I’m not letting anyone be bums. It was a fantastic arrangement- instead of sending an enforcer to collect money off ‘em, you send someone to make sure they’re looking for a job. If you can’t find a job? We’ll find a job for you. God knows there’s plenty of shit that needs done.

Way I see it, everyone needs to pull their weight, you know? But still. Things were running smoothly for now, at least.

---

Of course, pregnancy has come with a few downsides. Like today- I was in a meeting today with Augustine, I was made painfully aware of changes made to my body. I was sitting at my desk like normal, and Corleone was chilling on my lap. Roscoe was there, as was my Mamma.

“So you’re telling me that you can’t do anything?” This cunt was pacing around my office, once again bitching about the land situation.

“Listen, I already told you, I can’t-” Corleone jumped off my lap to go do cat things, and I slid my chair in, forgetting that my belly had gotten bigger already. My tits, which had been sore as fuck lately, smacked into the desk- and I had to almost bite my tongue to keep from whining out loud. It fuckin’ hurt!

“You alright, sweetie?” Mamma was at my side immediately, and I couldn’t help but put a hand over the sore digits. “Aww, feeling sore?” she asked, apparently having experience with this sort of thing.

“Yeah, yeah, I’ll be fine.” I quickly said, forcing myself to calm down. I turned back to Augustine. “Listen. Just give it time, I’ll get it taken care of.” I said to her, and you know what this bitch had the audacity to tell me?

She looked me dead in the eyes, scoffed, and said- “Well, you better get this resolved soon if you know what’s good for you.” And before I had the chance to look around my office to figure out who the fuck she was speaking to, she stormed off. I looked at Roscoe, and we made eye contact. I merely blinked and nodded, and he knew exactly what to do.

I think that was my favorite thing- if I wanted someone taken care of… all it takes is a look and a nod.

“She’s just another royal bitch who doesn’t know her place in the world, honey.” My mother rubbed my shoulders, assuring me and calming me significantly. I smiled and glanced back at her.

“Fuck ‘em.” Was all I said, and she nodded. Catlus doesn’t really exist anymore, anyway. Why would it need its own Overboss?

---

Last bit of preparation I had to do for The Exposition was to approve the final designs for the main venue. Most of the construction had already begun for the outskirts… but I wanted the main building to be perfect. I was meeting him in his office, where he did most of his planning.

“Ayyy, Tony!” I greeted the architect with a quick, casual hug. His apartment looked like a schizo meltdown, with sketches and blueprints hanging all over the walls, materials scattered about, and all surrounded by a table, covered in a tarp. His full name was Anthony Moretti- but I hate being so formal with everyone. This man designed my banner- how could I not respect the guy?

“I think you’ll find the final design to your liking.” He said, yanking a tarp off the table. It was a scale model of an old waterfront district along a river. “I call it The World of Tomorrow!”

It definitely fit the bill for futuristic in the current era. It was this massive building made of glass panes, consisting of a midway as well as a hall crossing through. The second floor consisted of a mezzanine, giving people a fantastic view from above.

And not only will there be displays that I directly instructed and funded, I also put together a team specifically for hunting down talent- industry experts from all over the nation, eager to show off their work and try to score some loot for future projects.

“This is fuckin gold. Seriously, where did my wife find you?” I asked him jokingly, patting him on the shoulder. He simply chuckled in response.

“I’m simply doing my patriotic duty, am I not?” he asked, and I snorted.

“What, you mean the kick-ass paycheck I’m payin’ you? What the hell’re you still livin’ in this apartment for?” I smiled, taking a big wad of fives out of my coat pocket and shoving it in his vest. “You need anything, you let me know.” I said to him, making my leave.

And before you say anything- that was actually a lot of money because our Dollar has a really good face value. Hell, I think it was a couple day’s pay!

“Don’t you want to know the cost estimate?” He asked as I passed the threshold- and I looked back with a smug grin.

“No thanks. The stress is no good for my baby.” I wasn’t worried. My wife and her army of accountants would take care of that. Besides- we were still pulling up so much gold, even the money printer can’t go BRRRRRRRR hard enough. It definitely helps that the diamond dogs stockpiled a lot of gold, for some fuckin’ reason. I think they were using it for food? I dunno.

Of course, don’t think we’re overinflating our dollar already. We only print only when we deem it necessary, and only if we have the gold. What’re we, the Federal Reserve? We don’t glow that hard!

At this point, I had about six months before my due date- God knows I was looking forward to it. Hell, we all were! Even Dee, she’s constantly talking to Roscoe’s wife, talking about setting up playdates and stuff for our baby. Meanwhile, Mamma’s always talking about how she’s gonna spoil the hell out of them.

Personally, I can’t wait to teach them how to shoot guns. But then again- God help us all if the kid’s anything like me.

Hardware Store

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My second trimester has been going quite well, despite some annoyances. My baby is growing and as a result, I’ve had to start wearing slightly bigger and bigger coats just so my belly doesn’t hang out. At four months in, it was a subtle bump… but Mamma had warned me enough times that I know a growth spurt will happen sooner or later.

Of course- I have the cramps to deal with and general joint pain, on top of phantom pain I have to deal with in my leg! It sucks- one minute I’ll be sitting around, the next it’ll feel like someone chopped my leg off again. Either that, or it’ll randomly feel like I’ve been resting my severed foot in an ice bath out of nowhere.

Speaking of my foot, we found the Flim Flam brothers, finally. You may be wondering what we did to ‘em? Well…

---

SPLAT!

A bat came down upon Flim’s head, cracking it like a coconut. His brother, Flam, cried pathetically, bloody-muzzled from where we hit him to get him to shut the fuck up. We just spent the last 45 minutes beating his brother to near-death with baseball bats.

“He’sh shtill… shtill breathin’, leave ‘im alone!” His brother begged through tears and bloody snot running down his face, but we were having none of it. Adrian was here, as was Roscoe and a couple lower level enforcers. We chucked the one body into a shallow, dusty grave, and I held the fucker’s chin up, looking him in the eyes.

“Listen, Flam. One last chance. Tell us who sold ya the dynamite and we might let you live.” He glared at me, eyes full of defiance and hate.

“F-fuck you!” He gritted his teeth at me, so I made sure to bash his in with a baseball bat. Adrian and I had a particular beef with this prick… so we made sure to take extra time on him. I mean, this bastard is the reason my best friend may never fly again… at least, non mechanically-aided.

They were both still breathing when we chucked ‘em in a shallow grave and started throwing dirt on ‘em. We never got the answer out of them, and I refused to use my tongue, lest I suffer a brain hemorrhage… but fuck ‘em. They took my leg, and it felt cathartic to give ‘em what they deserved.

Besides- it was Equestria, and we all knew it. We just couldn’t prove it… Once again, intentionally or not, Equestria has me beat at my own game. Well played, well fuckin’ played. I mean- it’s not like I can just have foreign government entities whacked, now can I? If I’m going to Twilight about an issue, it’s something that I have 100% proof of, or it’s an offer she can’t refuse.

---

Fuck ‘em.

On a more positive note- Phil just had the grand opening of his first retail chain in Griffonia- Birdnest Bargains. It was opening in the heart of the city, as well as several other locations across Fertilia- and I made sure the people knew that this place had my full endorsement.

The reason it took so long to open these stores is because Rich wanted to do a bunch of market research first, just to see what would work, as well as to study some of the more fineries of Griffonian Culture to determine what would really drive the crowds.

The result? The place became an overnight success, helped by the fact that Phil had a bunch of coupons and catalogs mailed out beforehand, with help from the National Postal Service and courtesy of me. The place had everything- each store had a deli counter, a pharmacy, a small sandwich shop, and everything and the kitchen sink!

They’ve got allen wrenches, gerbil feeders, toilet seats, electric heaters.
Trash compactor, juice extractor, shower rods and water meters…

Wait. What?

But that wasn’t the best part. For the first time in the history of… anywhere on this planet, you could buy guns! Not only that, but each store came equipped with an indoor firing range. It had a thick, angled concrete backdrop to prevent ricochets, and each lane had a changeable paper target, where you can set the distance using a wooden crank device.

To buy a gun, you had to take a one on one course on firearms there. The instructor will take you in and make sure you’re not a complete dent head- you know, basic firearms safety stuff. Treat each gun as if it were loaded, only point at something you want dead, don’t fill the barrel with powder to the top, keep your booger hook off the bang switch- basically, a competency test to make sure you’re not gonna shoot yourself in the foot. Of course, if you were in the military, you’re exempt. The best part? To reserve a spot to take a course… cost only a nickel.

As a result, the range in Featherworth is already booked for a literal month! So that’s why I was having a meeting with Phil today, to discuss plans for expansion. It was this wonderful little brewery situated at the edge of what was apparently the oldest vineyard in Fertilia. Of course, I wouldn’t be partaking in the wine… but they had this delicious grape juice they also made locally.

I had my guards wait outside- and I could see that Phil had already arrived, his fancy carriage and body guards waiting at the door. The brewery building was at the top of a hill, overlooking the orchard, and had a large balcony with tables for tasting. It was still early spring, and a light breeze could be felt, giving me a tingling sensation in my feathers.

I greeted my father in law with a quick hug, taking a seat across from him at one of the small tables. Our hostess came out and poured his wine and my grape juice, and I dismissed her- not before tipping her well, of course.

“Business been boomin’ lately, huh?” I asked him with a chuckle, noting the bags under his eyes. But then again- because of all the hard work he does, he’s able to manage two of the most successful retail chains on the planet, all the way from across an ocean. Even when travel was forbidden, he was able to use telegraphs to send messages down the chain of command. As a result- he was a very rich man.

But anyways, he rolled his eyes at me with a grin. “Somethin’ of an understatement.”

We spent the next while discussing all sorts of business shit- including taxes, new range locations, factories, what have you. Needless to say, Phil got a very good deal- mainly because I can see he’s actually been putting forth effort to spend more time with his daughter. So not only is my wife happier than ever, Rich is bringing in more business, driving more jobs…

I may be losing money directly… but it’s being made back in dividends.

Anyways- our waitress brought out a piece of bread, shaped like a gigantic muffin. I nodded at her and smiled, silently thanking her. Phil seemed confused, as she didn’t bring out plates or anything with it.

“Panettone.” I explained, and he nodded. “It’s a Fertilian dessert bread. You just pick it apart with your hands.” As was tradition, I tore a piece off and let it soak in the grape juice a little before taking a bite. Of course, since my father in law had hooves, he pulled a folding knife out of his suit pocket, cutting off small chunks for himself. It was quite good!

We continued to talk as we picked away at the bread. “So… those new guns. How’re they selling?” I asked with a grin, and he rubbed his chin.

See, we made several improvements to the consumer designs of our guns. Namely, rather than using the stick stock we used for volley firing, carbines and rifles have a stock reminiscent of a middle-eastern Jezail rifle. The stock, rather than being straight, curved heavily downward so you held it almost like a pistol grip. The stock then curved back upwards, and ended in a rounded bit which nestled under the crook of your arm. They were fantastic for hunting and all sorts of stuff!

But from what Phil told me, the most popular guns are the little “Saturday Night Specials.” That is, really small, cheap, and compact pistols. Er, as compact as you can make a flintlock. I can imagine a lot of them wind up in the bottom of the river.

“So, about that other thing.” I said to him, and he cocked an eyebrow in confusion. “You know, the union thing.”

He sighed in annoyance, rubbing his temple. “Look, they’re just janitors, why do they need so much money?” As I took a sip of juice, he continued- “I mean, half those knuckleheads, I wouldn’t even pay to clean my bathrooms!” I swallowed my juice and chuckled.

“Yeah, some of those guys really are scraping the barrel.” That was our main solution to repeated unemployment- if you don’t, or can’t, find a job yourself, or aren’t actively pursuing education, there’s plenty of union work to be found. “Look, I get it. The jobs available via the laborers union are a joke. Anyone can do ‘em, I know what ya mean.”

He gave me a grin. “I knew you could see reason-” But it fell as I set my glass down and glared at him.

“Tell me. If you don’t have the laborers to do that so-called ‘basic labor,’ who will do the work?” I asked him sternly, keeping eye contact. He nervously glanced off to the side,

“W-well, just have the cashiers do it, like how it’s done in Equestria, you know?” He gave a nervous chuckle and took a sip of wine. “Tha-that’s all, is that so unreasonable?” I kept my glare up for a few more seconds, before I forced myself to calm down by taking a sip of juice. Phil looked visibly relieved- but I wasn’t done yet.

“Need I remind you that cross-operational duties like that are strictly forbidden in pretty much all union contracts?” There are some exceptions, of course. Phil sighed, glancing off to the side. “Phil, look at me.” I commanded, and he obeyed.

“You know full well how the unions operate around here.” His pupils shrank, and he swallowed nervously. “You remember what happened to the CEO of that taxiwagon startup that tried operating outside of union rules.” He chuckled nervously, because I know damn well he remembered what happened to that poor bastard.

My look finally softened, and his shoulders sagged again. “Look. You’re my father-in-law. You’re a part of the family, and I love you. I understand- you’re a capitalist, and you have an obligation to protect your profit margins. Number goes up and all that.” I said with a chuckle, before pointing a finger at him. “But I have an obligation to protect the people. My people. Don’t make a fuck out of me, Phil.” I held a hand out, which he took, us sharing a quick shake.

“Alright, fine. I’ll give them their raises.” He conceded, slumping back in his chair and taking a sip of wine. I tore off another piece of that bread, also relaxing in my chair.

After a few moments of silence, I spoke up again. “So… we’re gonna be having a family cookout towards the end of next month. You gonna be there?”

---

Of course, it wouldn’t just be for direct family. Family ain’t just blood, you know. I invited Roscoe and his family along with Adrian… but we’d also be having the twins and Sinan come over- they were on leave, and I needed to offer ‘em a job anyway.

In fact, as soon as my guards told me they arrived, I had them sent upstairs to my office. I opened the door to greet them, and we all shared hugs and whatnot.

“So, how’re ya’s?” I asked enthusiastically. We all sat around in my office, and they filled me in on what they’ve been up to. Long story short- they’re very high ranking military officers. The reason they’re finally on vacation?

Almost all the dens gave in, finally. All with minimal bloodshed- which is exactly what I wanted. Er, long term bloodshed.

“So, that begs the question. What now?” I asked them, and they just sorta looked at each other.

“What, you mean… Now that the dog campaign is over?” Jos asked, cocking an eyebrow. I nodded with a grin, and Sinan snorted.

“You’re offering us a job, right?” He guessed correctly, a faint grin on his face. Fin hummed in realization, and Jos was rubbing her chin. I looked at them and asked,

“Wanna be part of a state-sponsored assassination guild?” I asked them, and they looked at each other and nodded with wide grins. I smiled back and pulled the two in for a hug.

“Alright, both of ya’s join the party.” I turned over to Sinan, putting an arm around his back. “We’ll meet ya’s downstairs in a minute. Talk to Ross- he’ll fill you in.” They nodded, high-fiving each other on the way out the door.

Sinan looked at me curiously, and I shut the door. “I wanna ask your advice on something.” He seemed surprised- and took a seat across from me at my desk.

“Spill it. What do you want to know?” He asked, politely as ever. It was a bit of an awkward question, so I nervously fiddled with a pencil.

“Look, I…” I sighed and looked him in the eyes. “I don’t know a lot about Zebra culture or their states or anything like that… as embarrassing as it is to admit.” I looked at my friend with a sheepish grin, and he chuckled.

“Come on- surely, you could at least point it out on a map?” I nodded, because I’m not that fucking stupid. It lied directly south of Equestria, in a region near the equator- kind of like Minos. There were dry deserts across the southeastern border and jungles along the northwestern border… but that’s all I knew.

Doesn’t help that the Zebras generally keep to themselves.

“Yeah, but I meant like… Okay, so basically, I’m thinking about opening trade between our nations.” I explained, and Sinan rubbed his beak.

After a few moments, he said- “The zebras are a very private, very divided population. Some regional tribes don’t even like trading with Equestria, let alone griffons.” But before my hopes were completely dashed, he added- “But still, you may be able to trade with some of the larger, more progressive city states. And at the very least, establishing diplomatic amicability would be useful, as you’d have an in with them if you ever needed something.”

I rubbed my beak in thought, smiling at the prospects. It’s a shame they’re so divided, too. If it was an option, I’d love to stage a land invasion where we lord over the Zebras and force them to cooperate… But I just don’t think that’d be very practical right now, what with Equestria breathing down my back. They’d surely jump in for the defense of the Zebras, then we’d really be screwed.

“Tell you what, if you want, I can give you a crash course on Zebra history and culture one of these days?” He offered a hand, and we shook. “I’d need to get things ready first, of course.”

“Hell yeah.” We shared a friendly hug, and I slapped him on the back. “Now come on, there’s a party down there!”

We made our way down, and passed Mamma who was in the kitchen, stirring away at the tomato sauce. Phil was also there- slicing various vegetables and stuff to make a large salad bowl, as well as preparing a vinaigrette based dressing. “MA! ETA on the sauce?” I asked her as we passed, and she gave it a quick taste.

“I’m gonna say another ten minutes.” She said, and I fully trusted her expertise. When Mamma’s in the kitchen, you don’t fuck around.

“That’s fine- we’re still waitin’ on one more!” Mamma nodded and smiled, and we made our way onto the back porch.

“One more? Who are we waiting on?” Sinan asked, grabbing himself a beer out of the cooler.

“A friend of mine, from Equestria. You all’re gonna like him.” I answered with a smile, pulling a lawn chair over to where Fin and Jos were talking to Adrian and Roscoe. My backyard was massive- and I already installed a big playset with a sandbox for when my baby gets older.

Anyways, we all sat there, chatting idly about this and that- just like when we all were camped together. God, that feels like so long ago now. And while we were doing that, Dee was chatting with Roscoe’s wife, Sophia, and fawning over their newborn daughter. Her name’s Daisy, and she was so adorable! Only about half a year old at this point. Meanwhile his boy, Clyde, was just running around, evidently having the time of his life.

The Twins were distracted talking to Sinan about something, and Adrian had gotten up to get another drink… so I turned to Ross and whispered- “So… how much do you tell him?” His back seemed to go stiff, and I added- “You don’t gotta tell me if you don’t want.”

He nervously tapped his finger against his chair, then sighed. “Not much. He still thinks I’m a sheriff.” He had a faint smile, and glanced off to the side. “He thinks the world of me, and I just… I dunno.” He took a swig of his beer, staring at the grass below.

“What’s there to be ashamed of?” I asked him, and he snorted.

“Nothing, it’s just… you know, his whole life I taught him to respect the law, always. And… I guess I just feel like a hypocrite, I suppose.” I could tell this was a touchy thing- he spent his whole life believing that the institution he worked for was the best way of doing things, until I convinced him to see reason.

“I understand.” I said, taking a swig of grape juice. “I can’t force you to do anything, but I do recommend you tell him some day. Explain to him what you do.” He glanced up at me, and I continued- “Because if he finds out from someone else, he will not be happy.” I wrapped an arm around his back and smirked. “But, hey! It’s a party! We ain’t gotta think about that, now.” I said, and he finally smiled.

“Suppose you’re right.”

We continued our idle chit-chat- until finally, the guest showed up.

“EMMIE!” I yelled as I ran over to greet him, pulling him in for a hug. My wife did much the same thing- and we wasted no time introducing him. Even better- we heard Mamma yell from the house.

“Dinner’s ready!” She was carrying out a massive pot of tomato sauce, which was full of sausages and meatballs. We had pasta, salads and good bread for the Equestrians, but we also had a bunch of sausages and stuff cooked on a massive fuckin’ grill! Sophia brought in her homemade potato salad, and we had plenty of booze and other things to drink! It was all laid out on folding tables, resting in metal trays covered in aluminum foil and heated with a portable burner.

We all took our seats in various lawn chairs in a circle, and I loaded my plate with pasta and sausages, with plenty of Mamma’s homemade sauce. Don’t judge me- I had a baby inside me! We both gotta eat!

Dee saw my plate, and chuckled. “At this rate, you're gonna blow up like a balloon, and your belly’s gonna be dragging across the ground!” And of course, these traitors laughed at her joke! I gave her the finger and rolled my eyes with a smile.

“Hey, girl’s gotta eat.” I defended myself, wasting no time in shoving a bunch of sausage into my beak. Hot sausage- so it was nice and spicy, too.

“You sure do love sausage for someone who married a woman.” Emmie piped up, once again drawing a round of laughter. I couldn’t help but laugh at that one.

“I missed you, Emmie.” I said, bringing a forkful of pasta to my mouth. “Don’t make me regret that sentiment… you mothafuckin’ fruity cocksucker!” I looked at him with a wide grin and we shared a laugh, and my focus turned fully to the meal in front of me.

I briefly thought to myself- If my kid says they don't like this kind of food, I’m disowning them. Well, then I felt bad immediately afterwards because like… shit, that’s horrible. I idly rubbed the bump on my belly, once again just… thinking. I can’t help but wonder what they’ll be like? What if they don’t like what I do? What if they-

I felt my wifes hoof grab my arm. “You’re asking yourself what if again. Stop it.” She had a reassuring look in her eyes, and I smiled before she returned to her seat, next to her father.

“You’re lucky to have her.” Emmie said, and I couldn’t agree more. We finished our dinner, and were just left idly chit-chatting.

Finally, I turned to Emmie and asked- “So, what’ve you been up to?”

And he explained- he’s basically just been going on whatever expeditions get funded, far to the south of the equator. He hasn’t learned a whole lot, unfortunately. Thankfully… he’s friends with me. But eventually, it was his turn to ask a question.

“So… the yellow sign.” He had a smug grin, and continued- “Did you think I wouldn’t recognize it?” He asked rhetorically, and I shrugged.

“Never said you wouldn’t recognize it. Is that a problem?” I asked, as there was no doubt talk amongst the occult research community about me using the symbol of an ancient cult.

“No, not a problem, just… thought I’d ask why, is all.” A reasonable question… one which made me far more upset than it should’ve, for some reason.

“Fuckin’, I dunno… just liked it, I guess.” I answered a bit more crossly than I anticipated- and I think he noticed, as he just shrugged it off.

Weird. Must’ve been a mood swing, something to do with hormones.

But anyways- the evening pressed on… and somehow, the topic turned to changelings.

“They like to disguise themselves as flies, as they’re mobile and hard to spot.” Roscoe was explaining how we’ve found they worked. “Using magic, they’re essentially able to create pictures using a spell.”

That’s how they were able to get those… photos. That’s also how Equestria is stealing Griffonian inventions- as we figured out, they had a whole dedicated network of spies, thanks to their alliance with the Changeling Hive.

You may be wondering how we found that out? Well, simply put… imagine my surprise when I managed to catch a fly off guard with a swatter, and the fucker switched back into his default form from the shock! So naturally, I pinned him down and started wailing on his horn with the butt of my pistol, breaking it off and severing its magic.

We got a few things out of it- for example, they can’t change into anything smaller than a fly. Or rather- it apparently takes too much concentration to do anything smaller. It’s magic, I don’t fucking know the rules, and if anyone does find out, please fucking tell me.

But anyways- this is why my wife turned towards the food table and joked, “Fuckin’ changelings are stealing our food, too!” Gesturing to the couple flies that were idly flying around the covered trays.

“Well, go swat ‘em!” Mamma said. Before anyone got up I said-

“Wait, no.” Mamma looked at me weirdly and I explained- “I don’t want no fly guts near my food. The food’s covered, don’t worry ‘bout it.” Ma shrugged and turned back… then Sinan spoke up.

“Actually, I know how to fix this.” He had an odd grin, “I need a small tube and some cotton balls.” He said, and I blinked in confusion. “Just trust me- I wanna try something I saw a while ago.” I looked over to Dee and shrugged.

“You wanna go in and get some cotton balls?” I asked her as I got up, making my way over to my workshop- which was basically a massive, separate garage-like building. I grabbed a small piece of copper tubing- half an inch wide and only a foot long.

“Perfect!” Sinan said as my wife came back outside, bag of cotton balls in hand. He then stuffed a cotton ball into one end of the tube… then poured a decent bit of salt, capping it off with another piece of cotton, rammed down with a dowel rod.

There were a couple small flies just idly being menaces, encircling the tray of sausages. Sinan lifted his makeshift blowgun up.

THUNK! The salt shot out the end, and the flies were knocked out of the air. They were dead, and there was only a little bit of salt on the tray.

“Cool!” Clyde summed it up quite well.

“That’s one way to kill a fly.” Roscoe mused, and I don’t think he was seeing what I was seeing.

“Sinan.” I said to my friend, putting an arm around his back. “You’re a fucking genius.”

---

Of course, we were up all night, just chatting and having a good time… but I was up early the next day, drawing up designs for a salt gun.

The final design was simple- a tubular air reservoir, with a simple quick-release lever valve attached to a 6 inch barrel. The brass tank was another 6 inches, and 2 inches in diameter. It’s filled up with a simple bike pump kinda thing, which only fires once per filling. For ammunition, it used common table salt, held in place with a cotton wad.

It launched a spread of salt, and to use it, simply point it at whatever and pull the trigger. The reason I went for this simplistic design is so that potential spies don’t immediately recognize the danger they were in.

Hopefully, we’ll have the changeling issue solved by the time my third trimester rolls around. If I’m right- Equestria’ll be a bit more cautious about sending over spies once they realized what we planned to do with the ones we caught.

We Didn't Start The Fire

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My third trimester was when the fact that I was pregnant decided to make itself painfully aware. Not only have I been getting bigger and bigger, but I’ve started to feel my baby kick and move! My tits have been sore as hell lately, too. Thankfully, my wife is happy to help with that.

In fact- she used to suck on my tits a lot before, but now she can barely get enough.

“Pleeeease!” She whined, literally begged. I just groaned in annoyance, pressing the pillow against the side of my head. “I thought you loved meeeee!” She did a fake cry, and I sighed in defeat.

“Fffffine.” Immediately she shut the fuck up as I guided her head down. “Needy bitch.” I complained. I just wanted to sleep!

“Shutup, you love me.” She said as she got to work, and I agreed wholeheartedly.

After a few more seconds passed, I said- “Just so you know, the baby’s kicking. That means they’re upset.” I joked, and my wife snorted.

“Probably knows I’m stealing their lunch.” I couldn’t help but chuckle.

“True.” God, we are so fucked. On a much more positive note- I am quite good at breastfeeding, apparently. But I mean, what was I supposed to do? Say “Sorry babe, I love you with all my heart, but you’re not allowed to suck on my tits.”

I’m not a fuckin animal! Besides, I admit. It felt hella nice.

Anyways…

Salt guns. Fucking genius idea, and I made sure Sinan realized that. Ever since I had a bunch of them made and deployed all over the place, we caught three changeling spies! It’s very effective- the blast of salt doesn’t penetrate deep, similar to birdshot. However, the shock causes them to transform into their original forms, and this disorients them so bad that all you have to do is bum rush them to disable them.

The outrage generated by the fact that Equestria was sending over spies was quite… Well, it didn’t help the anti-Equestria sentiment that much. But once again- I had my wife to thank for that. You know- the fact that it’s anti-Equestrian sentiment and not anti-pony sentiment.

Propaganda and PR is a game that she has become quite good at. It also helps that many see her as inspiring- and gives the impression that no matter who you are, those loyal to The Syndicate are just as much good citizens as any griffon. On the contraire- many griffons don’t see Captain Gallus as a fellow griffon, if that makes sense.

As for the changelings themselves? In a shocking turn of events, they were given a proper trial… but it was all a farce. They were sentenced to death- the female one even started crying in the courtroom.

Their wings were snapped off, and they were hung. But while they stood on the gallows- I had to give an address. One which would be broadcast all across The Syndicate. I stood on stage and spoke into the mic-

“Ladies and gentlemen- what we have here today is a clear breach in our national security.” The turnout for the execution was massive. A lot of people were upset at Equestria- and this is how the people vented their frustration. “But, as members of a sovereign nation… it is not only our right, but our duty to protect our private property and our interests. On our own property, our own soil!” As usual, I was gesticulating and enunciating to hype the crowd up. Even though I was eight, almost nine months pregnant, I was still as good as ever.

“There was an incident where indecent photos of my wife and I were spread through certain mediums, all for the purpose of defaming us. I’m not afraid to admit it, because I’m using it as a condemnation of the imperialistic, childish ways of Equestria!” I really had the crowd going, and once again, the female changeling was crying. “During a private moment which no camera could have naturally seen, a changeling had the audacity to photograph my wife and I during, again, a private, intimate moment. My friends, I must warn you- if it could happen to me, it could happen to any one of you.” The crowd was silent, hanging on to my every word. No doubt, the shock and concern of the revelation finally dawned on them.

“The changelings are sneaky. They can work unimpeded, steal our deepest, most valuable secrets and sell them to the highest bidder! Well, you know what I have to say to that?” I leaned into the mic and proudly stated- “FUCK ‘EM!” The crowd was once again in an uproar at my conclusion. I pulled out one of the salt guns, for demonstration. “Using one of these devices, we were able to effortlessly knock one out of the air, detaining it for questioning!” The crowd churned into a mass of people calling out, asking how to get one.

“The A-Salt Rifle! Available soon at Birdnest Bargains, retailing at 99 cents a pop!” We knocked the price down considerably, of course. Each one also came with a helpful pictogram, detailing how to use it. “And hey! This baby uses air to fire harmless table salt. I always keep one handy- it’s fantastic for dealing with ordinary bugs! It’s like a shotgun for flies!” Everyone seemed fascinated by this stupid, simple product. “Bring one to your next family reunion! Show those flies circling your mama's tomato sauce who’s in charge around here!” I quipped, to the delight of the crowd.

I straightened out my expression, and lowered my hand in a flat gesture- signaling for the crowd to quiet down.

“Ladies and gentlemen, this is a plain and obvious condemnation of the actions of a foreign government operating on our soil. As a result, let today stand as a message to those who would dare try to judge us in our private lives. Let it be known that the consequences for such a crime… are just, and severe.” I spoke clearly and sternly. “If they think they can fuck around with us, they’ve got another thing coming!” The crowd goes absolutely ballistic. “WE ARE GRIFFONS! WE ARE PROUD! YOU BEAT US WITH FISTS, WE’LL COME BACK WITH A KNIFE!”

I felt like a preacher, and in a way, I kind of was. “YOU BEAT US WITH A KNIFE, WE COME BACK WITH A GUN!” I was literally pounding the podium with a fist to punctuate my sentences, my ears started to ring, and I started feeling lightheaded! I forced myself to calm down a little bit- “And if you beat me with a gun, you better kill me.” The crowd yelled out a resounding YEAH! “BECAUSE IF YOU DON’T… WE’LL BE COMING BACK AND BACK, UNTIL ONE OF US IS DEAD!”

My heart and head were both pounding, and I felt like I was gonna collapse. I mustered up what felt like all my energy. “NOW LET’S SEE THESE BUGS FLY!” The crowd had reached its apex, and I gave the go-ahead for the executioner to pull the lever.

My wife was waiting just offstage with a box of popcorn, and I paid her no mind as I hurried my way to the carriage. After what I'm sure was an internal struggle between tending to her pregnant wife and watching what was probably her favorite fantasy play out in a socially acceptable manner… my darling wife picked me, hopping into the carriage and cuddling up into my side.

I just slumped in my seat, panting and sweating miserably.

“Ohh, sweetie… lemme get you a drink.” She opened the carriage's ice box and found… champagne, but no water. “Shit.” She nervously wondered what to do while I popped an ice cube into my mouth.

“Overdid it. Cramps. Tired. Pain.” I shifted in my seat uncomfortably, my spine feeling like the letter Z. “Home. Please.” My due date was still… three weeks out. And god, it really showed. My wife convinced me to stop wearing full coats all the time because I kept overheating in the summer weather, so everyone knew for sure I was pregnant.

I never really was too public about it, and some people just didn’t hear the news until recently. We spun it as more PR- after all, why would a self proclaimed woman of the people follow conventions set by stuffy old nobles? She never announced her pregnancy to the world, but why would anyone?

I think my wifes official title is DJ, what with how much spinning she does.

I had a meeting that evening, but I had to cancel and reschedule it. Well, I say meeting- but it was more of a casual get together with Mind’s Eye and a friend I met who was… also fascinated in the occult. Or rather, seems to know a bit about it.

---

We were meeting for lunch in a pizza parlor. “I’m tellin’ ya, you gotta have some real fuckin’ pizza while you’re here!” I said to Emmie as we took our seat. We were well ahead of schedule, so we decided to take our seats inside… mostly so I could get off my feet. “Equestrian pizza is not only not better than Fertilian pizza… it’s not pizza!” I quipped, and he snorted and rolled his eyes.

“Let me guess, it’s because we like pineapple on our pizza?” Surprisingly, no.

“Emmie, I’m hurt that you think I’m that basic.” I said as I flipped open the menu. “No, I’m talking about deep dish Equestrian.” He turned and looked at me with his one good eye. After a few moments he responded-

“Okay, now I’m curious. What makes a deep dish pizza, not a pizza?” I smiled, gesturing wildly.

“It’s a fuckin’ casserole!” I said, and he snorted in laughter. “It’s literally tomato soup in a bread bowl!” But we both soon calmed down, deciding to just order ahead of time. Funnily enough, I decided to order the pineapple ham pizza.

“You know, I’m still upset that you’ve replaced me.” He said, and I just gave him a what the fuck? Look. He pointed to his eyepatch, and I cocked an eyebrow.

“Are you saying Adrian replaced you?” he harrumphed and nodded, and I facepalmed.

“Mothafuck, he had two workin’ eyes when I met him!” I ranted, much to his amusement. “The fuck you mean I’m replacin’ ya’, get tha fuck outta here!” But before I could go on, Our guest finally arrived.

“Sorry I’m late, fellas!” He said, taking his seat and setting his bag next to his chair. Immediately, he had Mind’s Eye’s attention.

“Mind’s Eye, I’d like you to meet Tony. He’s that friend I was talking about!” Of course, he was the very same architect that I hired on for my… special project. I don’t think I ever described him- he’s quite handsome, in my opinion. He has a soft, young looking face and a lithe figure. In other words, he was a twink.

He held his hand out to shake Emmie’s hoof, which he quickly accepted with a smile.

“Tony, you said you were seeing the yellow sign in your dreams?” I asked, and he nodded.

“Y-yes. I’ve had all kinds of… of strange, vivid dreams over the years…” He seemed kind of shaky, understandably. “Goodness, where do I start?”

Mind’s Eye immediately moved his pizza out of the way in favor of jotting down notes. I just ate my pizza, amused yet mildly concerned about what he had to say.

“Wait.” I interrupted before he could start, causing him to jump. I then gestured for the waiter to get over here. “Get ya’ somethin’ to eat. On me.” I gave him a warm smile and he nodded thankfully.

He ordered, then started. “So, I have these recurring dreams. I’m in this big, half-ruined city, with a lake of rotting bodies.” He said, and the feathers on the back of my neck stood up. “Most of it is in ruins, but the bits that do remain… goodness, they’re breathtaking!” He spoke passionately about it, “The architecture is so beautiful, and complex! I’ve honestly woken up from dreams and sprinted to my sketchbooks!”

He spoke passionately, and I don’t blame him. That sounded awesome. “Then… it’s weird. I see the beauty juxtapositioned next to the destruction and can’t help but feel a sort of… deep, profound sadness.”

“Rreeally?” Mind’s Eye piped up and I just wanna say- the way he said that, the way he enunciated it- sounded really, really gay. Kinda cute, honestly.

“Yeah! But overall… I get this feeling that I’m… missing something.” The waitress dropped off his pizza, and he nodded his thanks. “Like, there’s something there that wants me to find it… but, I haven’t the faintest idea what.” He then shrugged- “So I just wander around, taking in the architecture. I hope to have the whole place mapped out someday, just as a hobby.” Mind’s Eye soon asked-

“Have you got any drawings?” And Tony’s face lit up! He pulled a couple notebooks out of his backpack.

While he was doing that, I interjected- “Tell ya what, Tony. How ‘bout instead of doing that as a hobby, you do it for me? For money?” I offered. His eyes, already wide open in joy… looked like they might pop out.

“R-really!?” He seemed excited… for some reason.

“I mean… I’m already paying you to design that big building project… now, you just have my endorsement and, if necessary, financial backing to get it done.” I held out a hand with a warm smile, which he shook.

“I know, it’s just… nice to know I’m not crazy!” He said with a sheepish grin. Then he asked- “Why are you so interested, if you don’t mind me asking?”

I gave my answer some thought.

“Truthfully, I feel… strangely inclined to search for answers, in regards to this… whatever this is.” I honestly didn’t know how to feel. I just shrugged, and they started going over the drawings.

“Well, it’s been great.” I said as I got up, slapping a wad of bills on the table to serve as tip and payment. I gave Emmie a quick hug and shook Tony’s hand. I gave them an apologetic smile. “Sorry to leave so soon, I just… wanna lay down.”

“Go get some rest. You need it.” Emmie said, helpful as ever.

“Hey, you two be nice to each other.” I made my leave and as promised, I laid down the rest of the night. Holy fuck, I think this baby is trying to fist fight its way out!

But I had to get some rest- it was almost time. The Griffonian Syndicate Exposition. The train companies were given tax reliefs to run their trains for free for a week, so as many people as possible could attend. The Casino bosses were particularly enthusiastic, and massive hotels were built in preparation for the influx of tourists. People from all over the nation were flocking to Fertilia…

To see what I believe will be the greatest exhibition the world has ever seen. Not only that- it stands as a symbol of united Griffonia in the face of trials and tribulations. It served to give people hope… of a better tomorrow, a better future… better lives.

“Babe, are you alright?” She rolled over from her spot in bed to check on me. I sniffled and quickly nodded.

“Y-Yeah. Just thinking about… awesome stuff.” She giggled, playfully nudging my back.

---

The turnout was as grand as you’d expect. Literally tens of thousands of griffons crowded outside the building, all in preparation for the main event… and it was 7 in the morning! Basically, my wife and I were gonna take a self-guided tour of the place before anyone else did and then we would give a speech afterwards. In the front of the building, there was an open balcony built for this express purpose- my banners hanging off the railing and flapping gracefully in the early morning breeze.

The way the inside of the building was set up, you would enter in the direct middle. There were the main avenues going east and west, and along this path there were all sorts of displays and stuff set up. In the very center of the building was a statue depicting me with a gun, and large trees lined the center of the walkway.

As we walked the place, we also had an entourage of guards and a carriage ready to go just outside… you know- in case it happens. It was a funny coincidence- I was literally thinking to myself that I’d much rather have a proper ambulance than a couple a schmucks pulling a wagon… when I saw a griffon using an oil can on what appeared to be a single cylinder engine attached to a light wagon.

The thing had three wheels, a rotating crank to steer with, and a lever on the side, which controlled the break. The way this guy's area was set up, it almost looked like a car garage.

“Don Grimfeather! Empress Tiara!” The guy, who appeared to be in his mid-30s, bowed as soon as he saw us. I simply held a hand up.

“I don’t do bowing, guy.” I said plainly, and he seemed to flinch. I held out a hand with a warm smile, which he shook somewhat shakily. “Call me Leona.” Dee followed my example, and introduced herself as such.

Our casualness helped him calm down considerably. “Please, call me Ben. I bet you wanna know what this is, eh?” He said, proudly showing off his creation. “Behold, the fruits of our labor!” I knew what it was, as I’d seen pictures of a similar model in old books- but I’d never seen one actually running. “See, it was actually built and designed by my wife and I, along with a few other friends. Of course, the advice you gave us really helped things kick off.”

He explained the details- it ran off a single cylinder four-stroke with a massive horizontal iron flywheel beneath it. The large steel spoke wheels sported solid rubber tires attached to a simple type of flat spring suspension. Above the engine itself was a copper basin which held cooling water and had a small oil reservoir. It worked by slowly dripping oil onto the essential parts- so if you planned on using this one as a daily, you better watch the dipstick religiously.

Hell, pretty much all the gears and parts were external, so treating this thing like a work beater was out of the option.

“I call it Ben’s Patent Motorcar!” He circled his invention, clearly proud of it. He was so giddy, it was almost kind of adorable. He gestured to the gas tank- “See, it runs off common washing gasoline, which you can buy at just about any pharmacy. Birdsnest Bargains comes to mind.” He popped open the tank and topped it off using gasoline from what looked like a tin moonshine jug.

For context- the reason he called it “washing gasoline” is because it’s actually sold as an industrial degreaser. See, it’s a by-product of manufacturing kerosene, which was seen as far more useful. It was still sold because fuck it, why not? It’s still good, just not as good.

Well, something told me that gasoline would soon overshadow good ol’ kerosene; eventually, we’d have to find a much better source of oil… which is why I wanted to open up trade with the zebras. But that’ll be a future problem.

“As you can see, the majority of the chassis was constructed from steel tubing and wooden panels for ease of manufacture, and to keep the cost down!” He then gestured to the wooden box next to the piston. “And this part here is a trembler coil! See, rather than using a dangerous open flame to start the combustion sequence, my Motorcar uses an electrical spark to ignite the fuel!” He proudly stated, and I smiled while nodding in satisfaction.

“I can imagine that using a cigarette lighter to start one of these engines wouldn’t be a great idea, eh?” I joked with a chuckle,

“Absolutely not, Ma’am!” Not my name, but alright. He was so proud of his creation, anyone could see that. “Well, you wanna see it in action?” he asked, going around the front and turning a key. The trembler coil started letting off an electrical hum, letting the operator know that it was ready.

“I hope you brought enough spare parts, gas, and oil to last you the week.” I said to him with a smile, and he nodded.

“Of course! I brought enough spare parts that if I had more frames, I could build… seven more!” He grabbed the flywheel with one hand and a spoke with the other, and gave it a good tug.

TISH! That was the sound the piston made as it went through its first cycle. He then spun it again, and the sound started coming faster and faster. It reminded me of the sound that a steam locomotive makes as it barrels down the tracks.

Soon, the motor was roughly chugging, and the entire car was swaying and shaking inconsistently. He then moved to the front of the car and started fiddling with a brass knob on the front panel of the driver's seat. Slowly, the engine started smoothing out and Ben had a massive smile on his face.

The engine was ready, and he turned the key to the opposite side, setting the battery to run.

“Boom! The Motorcar is running smoothly! Ready to try it out?” He climbed up and held his hand out, and I gave a sheepish grin.

“I’d actually… rather not.” I said, and his heart seemed to break. “No no, not like that.” I gave him a warm smile, “It’s just…” I then sat back and gestured to my belly, and he nodded in understanding.

“Ahh, I understand! My wife is in a similar predicament… Well, Mrs. Tiara?” He held his hand out to my wife- who seemed much more unsure.

“I don’t know… is it safe?” She eyed the vehicle curiously, the four-stroke engine chugging away.

“Of course it’s safe! It’s running right now, ain’t it?” I reassured her, patting her on the back.

“I guarantee your safety, Ma’am! You’re 100 percent safe on the Motorcar!” That was a little concerning- I’d definitely want to make sure he was aware of his car's own safety shortcomings.

“Ohh… alright.” He helped her climb onto the seat, and situated himself so that his left hand was on the steering shaft and his right was on the clutch.

“Are you ready to have the time of your life?” He said to Dee, who nervously giggled.

“I-I guess…” Before he could take off-

“Drive slow.” I said sternly, pointing a finger at Ben. He gulped nervously, and slowly moved the clutch forward. The car slowly pulled out of its garage onto the main avenue, and the two slowly drove their way to the other side of the building.

I decided to sit on a nearby bench in the shade of one of the trees, watching their ride from afar.

“Liking what you see?” I admit, I was a little startled by the voice which came out of nowhere. A woman sat next to me- she was quite pretty and very much pregnant.

“I assume you’re his wife?” I asked her, and we shook hands. “Call me Leona.”

“Carla.” We immediately hit it off, and made brief smalltalk- when’s your due date? Oh, that’s so wonderful! I bet you’re so excited, huh? That sort of shit. Eventually though, she had to ask the burning question.

“So… thoughts?” She asked. At this point, the car had made a few laps at full speed… which wasn’t very fast. My wife seemed to be enjoying herself, though. I idly rubbed my beak, trying to think where to start.

“Well for starters… it’s not very crash-safe.” I said, and she giggled. I mean- god help you if you’re ever driving this thing home from the bar at three AM. I mean, it doesn’t even have a cupholder, for fucks sake! Furthermore, there’s no trunk! What happens when you gotta get rid of a stiff? You’re fucked, that’s what happens!

But I digress.

“Why do you think I’m sitting this one out?” She gestured to her belly, and I understood completely.

“Still though- it is a genuine, working automobile. And I have some ideas that I think will really flesh this out.” I said, and her eyes shot open.

“You mean-!?” I pulled a navy-blue poker chip out of my pocket and presented it to her. She held it like it was made of gold, and tears formed in the corner of her eyes.

“We’ll have a meeting later to discuss these ideas. Until then?” I used a hand to gesture to the car. “Show the world what us griffons are capable of, huh?” She wrapped her arms around me in a hug, and I awkwardly patted her on the back.

If you hadn’t realized it- the chip is my way of saying Congratulations! Your product has so much potential that I want to personally oversee the future development of it. And of course- it also came with financial backing through the Research Union. As long as they keep showing progress, the money will keep coming in.

That’s where the “Union” aspect came in. Your union dues weren’t taken out of your pay- your union dues were paid by proving that you’re still being productive. The actual funding came from all sorts of sources- private donations, investors, but it all mainly came from the treasury. We were practically sitting on piles of gold- further proving the incompetence of the old monarchy. It was simply too restrictive in its rule, I think. Or they were just too fuckin’ greedy to spend the money.

But anyways- when my wife finally got tired of her joyride, we moved on. Unlike the motor car where there was pretty much only a small group of people pioneering the study, the firearms industry had a bit more time to flourish. As such, there were a lot more enthusiasts and pioneers in the field.

That was another advantage of this building- it was so fuckin wide that these guys could have their own shooting galleries set up. Angled concrete backdrops helped to prevent ricochets and simple paper targets could be hung from racks.

There were a bunch of names in this industry- and they definitely had some neat presentations. One guy tried to pass a wheellock gun off as waterproof. Another one invented what was essentially a flintlock which could be reloaded with metal cartridges which had a touch hole, so you still had to prime it.

Overall, these were beautifully crafted guns. Their parts were well oiled and shiny, the finishes looked fantastic, and the stocks on most of these guns looked like they were made of more expensive wood than my kitchen table. It was literal gun porn!

Hell, one guy even made a tacticool muzzle loading short barreled rifle! The thing had a brass telescopic sight as long as the barrel, a vertical foregrip, a pistol grip, folding stock, and it was covered in engravings… which offered no tactical advantage whatsoever. The inventor seemed heartbroken when he learned of this fact- but he’ll live.

Unfortunately, a lot of these names would likely be forgotten as their companies fold because no-one can afford their guns. At this point, they’ll get jobs working as designers for the inevitable “Big Few” gun companies which would pop up. You know- kind of like how everyone knows what Winchester is, and virtually no-one knows who Merwin and Bray were.

Who were Merwin and Bray, you may ask? Gun designers that no-one remembers. I rest my case.

But thankfully, there was an underdog in this competition. Some guy named Samuel Wynnfeather, whose display was simply marked with Wynnfeather’s Repeating Firearms Mfg. There were also simple wooden signs advertising repeating firepower… including a rifle which, allegedly, could fire 60 times without reloading.

This, I just had to see! He was using an oily rag to wipe down an oddly shaped rifle, and we greeted each other like we usually did.

“I’m sure you want me to get to the point?” He asked plainly, and I smiled.

“What, you’re not gonna give me a half hour explanation on all the design details?” I joked, and he rolled his eyes, handing me the strange rifle. It had no visible flash pan or percussion cap nipple, so my hopes were high. Way I figure, we’re better off skipping the percussion cap and going straight to primers.

Unlike the other guns, this one had more of a vibe of a shoproom prototype, which I appreciated immensely. The stock seemed to come from a standard carbine stock which was modified. A long, thin tube ran across the top of the barrel, which was attached to… some mechanism. It had a hammer, that much I could recognize.

I slowly pulled it back, revealing a claw shaped firing pin. The smile threatened to break my beak, and he pointed to the parts as he explained their function. When I pulled back the hammer, a small block attached to the breech rose connected to a metal bar, lining itself up with the magazine tube. When I pulled the hammer all the way back, the breech block snapped downwards with a very satisfying click and lined itself up with the barrel, and it was presumably ready to fire.

It was unloaded, of course. “So, how do I load it, and where’s the ammo?” I said excitedly, feeling giddy as a schoolgirl!

Then my hopes of already having developed a modern firearm were shattered as he grabbed a metal box full of small, lead bullets.

“I call it the Wynnfeather Repeating Gravity Rifle! It fires my own patented self-contained Rocket-Ball ammunition!” The round was small- couldn’t have been bigger than .41 caliber. He pointed to the wooden cork on the base of the hopelessly stubby bullet, explaining how that piece was full of mercury fulminate, which detonated the powder in this self-contained cartridge.

The more I examine this gun up close, the more glaring its issues become. It loads from the front of the magazine tube by opening a simple loading door and dropping the bullets in… there was no spring-powered follower. I kept a neutral expression as he explained its operation.

Basically what you do, if you cock the hammer halfway, a cartridge drops into the breech block. You simply hold the rifle up and jiggle it a little to feed a round in- and if necessary, there’s a lever on top of the hammer to help push the cartridge in. Pulling the hammer all the way back drops the block and puts the cartridge into battery, making it ready to fire.

Trying to clear a misfire on this gun must be pretty nerve-wracking.

“You can go ahead and try it out whenever you’re ready!” He said, and I brought the rifle up. I decided to aim dead center on a bench rest to see how accurate this thing actually was.

POP!

It had less recoil than a .22 and was probably half as powerful. Still- I actually hit the target pretty close to where I was aiming, so credit where it’s due. I pulled the hammer back, jiggled the rifle, and shot it again.

He seemed nervous as he watched me test his gun- but I wasn’t sure why. After all- all the other guns here, I only shot once or twice. This? Was something special.

I set the rifle down and used a wooden crank to bring the paper target closer. There was a decent grouping where I was aiming, but there were a couple stragglers that went really low. It must have been an issue with the ammo, as I didn’t really doubt my own accuracy and consistency.

I’ve been firing off guns far longer than any of these guys, that’s for sure.

“So, w-what d’ya think?” He asked, nervousness evident in his voice. I held the gun, gently turning it in my hands and giving it another once-over.

“So, what you have here is a remarkably well designed piece.” I was genuinely impressed at the craftsmanship. “Despite the basic finishing on the metal, the gun operates real smoothly.” He gave me a sheepish chuckle, and I clarified- “You should be proud of this gun, really.” Once again, he beamed in pride at me over his creation.

I set the rifle to the side and grabbed one of the bullets. “This right here? Is the main issue.” Once again he was nervously tapping his fingers together, and I continued- “Obviously, it’s a very anemic, wimpy round.” I turned it around and examined the bottom. “There’s simply not enough powder to produce a satisfactory shot. That said- this would make for a fun training gun, plinking, or squirrel hunting. If you’re dead set on this design, you could advertise it for that purpose.”

I then set the bullet down. “But. This has incredible potential. You, my friend, are on the cusp of something enormous.” His eyes were wide, and he blinked at me in confusion. “Get me a piece of paper!”

We scrambled to find a piece of paper and a pen, and when we did I started sketching out a standard, brass-cased cartridge and explaining the benefits, functionality, and a general idea of the developments required for it to work.

“Anyways, Sam, what I’m trying to say?” I pulled out a poker chip and stuffed it in his vest pocket. He looked at that pocket in disbelief, probably at a loss for words. I just smiled, slapping him on the back in a friendly manner. “My people will be getting in contact soon. They’ll bring all the paperwork and explain union terms, as well as what would be expected of you. Until then?”

He sniffled, apparently overcome with joy! “I want you to go out there and show the world what we’re capable of. Got it?” He nodded, shaking my hand in delight. “Also, word of advice. Get a bunch of steel targets, bottles, tin cans, that sort of shit. Trust me, it’s fun as fuck.” I wanted him to introduce to the world what was probably my favorite pass-time on Earth- Good ol’ fashioned plinkin’!

Speaking of shooting guns and plinkin’, the next stand over was a local brewer wanting to show off all his fancy craft beers by giving out free samples. God Bless The Syndicate! Real talk, though- I made sure Sam and the rest of the gun guys knew that they should never give a firearm to someone who is very clearly drunk. Just in case. Thankfully, there would be plenty of guards at the event itself tasked with keeping the peace.

As for the brewer, we respectfully declined to try any of his samples- I was heavily pregnant and my wife just doesn’t like beer. I’m sure it would’ve all been delicious, but thankfully he was understanding.

---

The next several hours were full of spectacle as our attention was drawn from one attraction to the other. I could tell this would be a massive hit- the kind of thing that gets remembered for centuries to come.

You had the big ones- like the car, the gun, and the telephone. They demonstrated its function by splitting their booth in half- one phone is situated on one end of the building, and the other one opposite. It was very primitive and the sound quality wasn’t that great- but it still earned ‘em a blue chip.

There was also the primitive ammonia-based air conditioning system which helped keep the building cool. Despite it being early fall, the sun was still quite hot, and we were basically inside a giant greenhouse.

Then there was the super-super-super-early type of television someone was showing off. The picture quality was cursed and the audio was shit, but the sooner we get an indoctrination box like this in every home, the better. I remember, ever since I explained the concept of television to Dee, she’s been constantly riding my ass, trying to convince me to throw a fuckin kings ransom into getting this shit working.

I mean, literally- I wonder how the Television project is coming along? I wonder what kind of shows griffons will come up with? Ohh, I can’t wait! Imagine, we could have a channel dedicated to 24-7 propaganda under the guise of a news station! I wonder if it’s done yet, you should check in on them! And I always told her the same thing- You’ll get your fuckin’ tv, just give it time!

As we walked away, I playfully whispered in her ear- “You got your fuckin’ tv. Now can you stop bustin’ my balls over it?” She giggled and said,

“Maybe.” Fucks sake.

There was so much stuff there, I couldn't even go over it all. All sorts of early, primitive tech was being shown off- there was something for everybody here.

My wife was particularly interested in a fuckoff-huge mechanical calculator. She has enough experience with accounting work to know how game-changing something like that is.

But eventually, we had to move on. Around noon, we made our way up to the balcony out front for my speech and… something else. On the ground by the entrance was a large something which was covered entirely in a tarp. It appeared to be sitting on a single-rail track which spanned 60 feet long in a straight line that went down the hill that this place was built on.

Of course, you couldn’t really see the grass right now, what with the massive fuckin’ crowd below.

“Ladies and gentlemen.” I spoke into the mic, and the crowd instantly quieted down. “What we have here today is the result of the greatest minds of the Griffonian Syndicate working together to create the future itself for all of us.” The crowd started chattering curiously about what could be inside. “Such marvels as a wagon which could move all on its own! A rifle that you can shoot sixty times in a row without reloading!”

The crowd seemed enamored at all the possibilities that awaited them inside. “Have you ever wished you could speak to a friend or a relative in another part of the nation?” The crowd started murmuring amongst themselves, and I knew I had to save this. “Or even, have you ever wished that you could order a hot pizza to be delivered to your home, all in 30 minutes or less?” That got the crowd goin’!

I elbowed my wife to force her to remove that confused look from her face.

“My friends, all that and more will be available soon! But that’s not what I’m most excited for.” On cue, a bunch of guards removed the tarp covering the device below me. “We’re gonna need some room here.”

The guards started trying to move the crowd out of the way… but it was easier said than done. In the end, it took a half hour to make sure that everyone was out of the way, and that no-one would wind up getting clipped by the machine as it went by. I actually had the microphones turned off, and Dee and I spent the time discussing what we saw, and I wound up comparing a lot of the inventions to their more… contemporary counterparts.

The machine itself was a large wooden thing, made of cloth and powered by two large propellers in the back, as well as a specially made light engine.

“Well, that took longer than expected. Lessons learned, huh?” I joked, getting some laughter out of the crowd. “Where was I… ah, right. Ladies and gentlemen!” I made sure to get their full attention- if anyone missed this, they’d surely be upset.

“What you’re seeing is a heavier-than-air device capable of powered flight… without flapping wings!” they started the engine of the small wooden plane, it rumbling as loud as you’d expect. “An airplane! Called The Prosperity, is the first of its kind!” A lot of people tried to move to get a closer look, but the guards did a fantastic job of getting everyone to stay the fuck back. The thing looked rickety as fuck- you couldn’t pay me to fly that thing.

Still though. For griffons like Adrian, the idea of being able to fly again sounds almost too good to be true. Though for me personally, I knew that all it’d take was a… few upgrades… and we’ll be able to attach bombs and machine guns to it in no time.

Using incredibly advanced and sophisticated weather control techniques (having a bunch of griffons stand on the ground and flap their wings behind the plane) we were able to get a perfect breeze going.

“Ladies and gentlemen: The Prosperity!” I announced the start of its flight by pumping my fist in the air. The crowd watched in awe as the plane that looked like it was made from nutrags and popsicle sticks slowly rose above the track.

The flight lasted 20 seconds, and the plane made it 120 feet before harmlessly landing in the grass below. The pilot, probably shaking, climbed out of his spot completely unharmed, and the crowd went wild!

“I HEREBY COMMEMORATE THE FLIGHT OF THE WORLD'S FIRST AEROPLANE HERE BY DECLARING THE GRIFFONIAN SYNDICATE’S NATIONAL EXHIBITION, OPEN!” The crowd wasted no time in making their way into the entrance queue. We put a lot of forethought into how to prevent overcrowding, and the solution came down to simply limiting the amount of guests inside the place at one time. The doormen even had a specially made mechanical device, purely for keeping track of how many occupants were in the building.

And so, the Exposition finally started, Dee and I decided to spend the rest of the evening at home relaxing.

The whole event was a massive success, and despite the thing with the dragons and Equestria, I don’t think that griffon morale has been this high in a long time.

So, after 27 years on this planet, the gears are finally starting to turn again, full speed. If the world we were living in before was at the level of the early Victorian industrial revolution, I was bringing the world into the roarin’ 20s, baby! All the consumerism without fuckin’ prohibition and without a pesky depression to stop it!

…

Hopefully. In fact, I planned to hopefully weaken Equestria in the long run, just to make absolutely sure they wouldn’t be a threat. But I mean, shit.

The more I think about it, the more I realize that Equestria fell when Celestia and Luna retired. Don’t get me wrong, Twilight is a good ruler to her citizens, being kind and just, like Celestia always was… without the sharp teeth to keep certain people in line.

But, until then, there was something pressing I had to get out of the way. Something urgent, which would require a lot of attention.

---

I was sitting at the table reading a book, and Mamma was working on making her tomato sauce. See, I was sitting in the dining room because I liked the wonderful aromas that come from Mamma’s cookin’. That, and I didn’t want to be too far from her, as she promised to be with me when it eventually happens. It was relatively early in the morning since the sauce takes all day to make, but thankfully, my wife can take my place.

So, that just left the two of us. I’d been getting cramps all morning- so I was a little grumpy.

“See, if anyone tries to tell you that you gotta slice garlic razor thin, they’re fulla shit.” She said, and I hummed as a way of saying I know. “Ya hear?”

“Yeah, Ma.” Hate it when she does that.

“See, there’s this old housewives tale that if you slice the garlic real thin like, it’ll liquify in the pan with just a little oil. If anyone tries to tell you that, whack ‘em with the rolling pin!” still trying to read, over here. Also, I don’t think she realized that whack has another meaning to me.

“Uh-huh.” I said, starting the page from the beginning. After a few more minutes, I decided to speak up. “Don’t put too many onions in the sauce.” Last time she made it, I thought she used too much onion- but it was still a fantastic sauce.

She scoffed at me. “I ain’t usin’ too many onions!” She defended her decision, “Just three small onions, that’s all I’m usin’.” I looked up from the page I was reading, cocking an eyebrow at her.

“Three onions? How many cans of tomatoes you got?” I asked, wanting to make sure dinner was perfect for tonight.

“Two, great big cans a’ tomatoes!” She sounded exasperated, and waved the nearby wooden spoon menacingly. “Girl, you don’t tell me how to cook! I taught you everything there is to know about cookin, you think I don’t know what I’m doin?” I raised my hands defensively, though I knew she wouldn’t do anything. Also, that wasn’t true. A lot of the stuff I know about cooking, I learned as a human.

“Look, I didn’t mean nothin’ by it, alright?” She narrowed her eyes at me and huffed.

“That’s what I thought.” She went back to the preparation like it was nothing, and I realized- shit, now I know how it feels to be on the receiving end of being threatened with a mundane object and a glare.

After a few minutes of trying, I gave up on trying to read anymore. I’m just too distracted by my own thoughts, to be honest.

“Hey, Ma?” I got her attention, but she was very much focused on the meat, which was currently frying in the bottom of her pot. “What should I name my baby?” Truth be told, I haven’t really put much thought into the name. Or rather, I was lowkey putting it off. It was decided that I would pick the name after Dee suggested we name our baby Crown Royal, which I shot down immediately.

When I asked her where the name came from, she just shrugged. Fuckin’ pony names.

Ever vigilant of her sauce, she responded- “Well, I mean, that’s your choice. I don’t wanna name your baby for you, ya know?” She removed the browned meat from the pot and threw in the onions and garlic with a dash of tomato paste, a nice sizzle coming from the kitchen.

“I know, but… I dunno.” I muttered to myself, resting my chin on my hands. “Why’d you name me Leona?” I asked her- and she actually looked up from the sauce. After a few moments, she looked back at her work and explained.

“I named you after my best friend from when I was a really little hen.” She said as the onions sizzled away. “I don’t even remember her last name, but I absolutely remembered that first name.” She had a faint smile on her beak which quickly faded. She then cracked open a bottle of red wine, took a sip, then used it to deglaze the onions before adding the tomatoes.

“What happened?” I asked, unsure if that was a good idea. She answered after a few seconds.

“Moved away. Never saw her again after that.” Seeing her bothered expression, I decided to not push the matter any further.

I was just brainstorming names to myself while Mamma finally finished up getting the sauce ready. All that was left to do was keep periodically stirring it and eventually add the meatballs. That’d happen in like, the last hour.

She took her seat across from me and put on her reading glasses before starting a book herself. I’d be joining her soon, hopefully. I’m just waiting for these contractions to start dying down. I felt a particularly sharp pain and clutched my stomach, lowering my head.

“Sweetie!? Baby, what’s wrong!?” Before I knew it, Mamma was on the other side of the table to fawn over me.

“Yeah, I’m fine, cramps.” I said, suppressing a wince. She grabbed my hand and held it in hers.

“Sweetie… it’s almost time.” My eyes widened and I started to hyperventilate.

“N-no, that’s impossible! My-my due date isn’t for a few more days!” I held my belly with my other hand, and Mamma looked me in the eyes.

“Sweetie, that was never a 100% guarantee and you know it.” She spoke firmly yet reassuringly, but I was such a fuckin’ wreck.

“But… But I’m not ready y-yet!” I felt a slight tug in my lower regions, followed by a sensation of warm, trickling water. I knew exactly what it meant, we both did. My water was broken and we needed to move, now.

Mamma grabbed a wooden spoon and tucked it under her wing- I paid it no mind at the time, as I was too busy trying to focus on breathing steadily. My heart felt like a machine gun as it pounded away in my chest. She helped me out of my chair and helped me out of the house, where several guards that patrolled the outside of my house ran over to see what was going on.

It was apparent what was happening- thankfully, they already had a carriage ready. I got inside, but before we left, Mamma pointed the wooden spoon at a guard.

“YOU!” She demanded, and the guy she chose actually saluted my mother.

“YES, MA’AM!” He yelled, straightening his figure and standing at attention. She took the wooden spoon and forced it into his hands.

“Make sure to keep the sauce stirring!” She demanded firmly, the soldier then saluting and sprinting off into the house. “ADD THE MEATBALLS AT FIVE, THEN TAKE IT OFF THE BURNER AFTER AN HOUR!” She yelled, and we all heard a faint yes ma’am! Coming from inside the house.

Mamma barreled into the carriage, and it was moving before the door was shut or she was even in her seat.

“Mamma?” I got her attention in between deep breaths as she got settled in. “I’m… I’m scared. Genuinely.” I nervously bit my finger, a nervous tick that only really happens when something has me really worried. Thankfully mamma came to my rescue, gently grabbing my hand and looking me in the eyes.

“You’re gonna be alright, baby.” Her soothing voice and soft breathing helped immensely, and my breathing slowly started normalizing. “You’re made of tough stuff and you make me proud.” She beamed at me and I sniffled, tears forming in the corners of my eyes. God, my mind was an utter whirlwind of emotions and feelings.

“Hey, listen.” She said with a smile, using a hand to gently lift my chin up. “I’ve been through this too, ya know. It’s scary- but I’m gonna need you to relax. Deep breaths, baby.” She breathed in and I tried my hardest to mimic her. “Deep breaths, everything is gonna be alright. Your guards are sending out runners so Dee can meet us at the hospital.”

While that news made me feel a lot better, nothing could really distract from the aching I felt below. When we got to the hospital, there was an army of nurses and doctors there to load me up onto a wheeled bed, charging down the hallway and using the reinforced foot of the bedframe to force the doors open.

God help anyone who happens to be on the other side.

And the entire way there, Mamma was keeping up at my bedside. I was quickly put into a room, and the doctors got everything ready.

Mamma gripped my hand tight in hers, her eyes barely leaving mine. “Focus on me, baby. Just let them do their job, it’s time for you to relax.” Once again her breathing was slow and deliberate, so I forced myself to focus on that.

The door slammed open, knocking a nurse over. “WHERE IS SHE!?” My wife yelled before darting over to my bedside. I smiled as she approached.

“I was wondering where you were.” I said as she threw her arms around me and kissed me on the cheek.

“How do you feel?” She asked, and I snorted.

“Like there’s a pissed off cat inside of me trying to claw its way out.” I sighed as I felt my contractions ramp up again. “It’s like… pressure. Like I’m being blown up with a bike pump.” My wife loosely held my other arm, which I rested on my gut.

“That pressure’ll be gone, very soon.” Mamma assured me, and I decided to lay on my back to help with the pain.

Soon, I got the signal from the doctor to start pushing- and when I tell you that it was probably the worst pain I’ve ever felt in my life, it is with no exaggeration. I was literally howling in pain in between bouts of pushing, and I wasn’t sure if I was making any progress. I honest to fuck felt like an overinflated balloon about to burst- Like, if the doctor poked my gut with a toothpick, that’d be it for me.

“Sweetie, look at me!” Mamma yelled, and I looked at her with what was probably a look of desperation in my eyes. I could definitely feel the tears of pain running down my face. “Imagine you’re about to throw up- use those muscles to push.” I did as she asked, not like I had any better ideas.

“Keep going, you’re doing great!” It’s working! I grit my beak in determination, a look of fury painting my features. I pulled my arm away from Mamma and with each hand, I gripped the railing on that hospital bed so hard that my knuckles were probably white as snow.

Going through my head was all the accomplishments and all the trials, and all the bullshit that it took to get to this point. All the stress, all the work, all the effort, all the lying. I managed to gaslight an entire nation into putting me in charge, while at the same time fighting a war against our ancient enemies. I was buried alive and had to have a leg amputated. I almost shot myself in the fucking head. I guess what I’m saying is… Mamma didn’t raise no bitch.

I laid my head back, clamped my eyes shut, and got to work. My ears rang intensely and I let out a yell, but not from the pain. No, this was the type of yell that makes a knight in shining armor run away in fear for his life. Some type of ghastly, barbaric ululation that reminded me of the sounds a crow makes.

Then I realized- it wasn’t a scream. It was a roar.

The pain intensified and amplified the more I pushed. It felt like my snatch was stretched ten feet wide and lined with salt and carpet burns.

“They’re crowning!” This, apparently, was the so-called ring of fire. It is very aptly named.

I faintly heard a baby’s cry, followed by a sliver of relief.

“We’re gonna need you to keep going! A little longer!” I wasn’t sure who yelled it, but I nodded and obeyed regardless. After what felt like literal hours of pushing, I suddenly had an intense feeling of relief, like the overinflated balloon had some air left out. I was still sore as fuck down there and I laid back, panting heavily.

Then I was hit with another wave of contractions and started pushing on instinct. That must’ve been the placenta- it was considerably easier than the main show.

I was drenched in sweat and the stress and tension I felt through my entire body faded as I took the time to catch my breath. I slowly grabbed the railing of the bed to help lift myself up.

“Congratulations, Mrs. Grimfeather.” The doctor approached me with something that made me choked up. “You gave birth to a healthy little hen.”

Eyes wide open in shock, I simply held my hands out. She was still covered in postnatal funk and only partially cleaned with a towel- but I couldn’t give less of a fuck about that. I remember that the first words I said aloud were “She’s… so tiny.” her little eyelids fluttered open for the first time, revealing big, bright eyes of dark amber.

She looked up at me with a faint smile, and I honestly think my heart physically melted in my chest. I held my baby close to my chest, making sure she felt nice and warm. Tears were uncontrollably running down my cheeks and I had this big, stupid grin on my face.

My wife, that bitch, brought a camera! And when I tell you I looked like shit, I really mean I look like I just woke up in an alley after a three day long amphetamine binge. It actually looked hilarious- especially in black and white, Mamma looked like a more put-together version of me, like a before and after photo.

Meth. Not even once.

“Well… Did you think of a name yet?” Mamma asked me, “Or are you still deciding?” I looked down at the little infant in my arms, although the image of her beautiful eyes was still firmly in the forefront of my brain.

There is only one name that I can think of alongside that mental image.

“Anastasia. That’s her name.” I’ll have to make sure her guards stay close as soon as she’s old enough to visit the barber shop on her own. “Her name’s Anastasia… But I’m gonna be calling her Annie, because I can.”

The rest of the day spent at the hospital was a bit of a blur. But thankfully, they found both my baby… No, they found Annie and I to be healthy enough to go home. I carried her near my chest, using a pouch like Mamma did with me when I was little.

As soon as we walked through the door, I got a whiff of something that made my knees feel like jelly. I was fucking starving- I didn’t eat at the hospital because hospital food sucks and I refused to eat it. I mean, I got a baby to feed- I don’t know if that crap would affect how my milk tastes and I didn’t wanna risk it.

I also noticed that my home was particularly clean. Like, there was not a speck of dust to be found on any shelf or old picture frame. And when we walked into the living room, remember that guard Mamma conscripted for Sauce Duty? Well, he was in a panic trying to put his uniform on.

“At attention.” I said, and he froze, straightening his back and saluting… with his shirt completely covering his head. “What the hell are you doing?”

After a few moments of awkward silence, he sheepishly said- “P-putting my uniform back on, m-ma’am!” I mean, you could tell he definitely wasn’t cranking one out in here- I think he was just concerned about getting court-martialed for being out of uniform while on duty.

I yanked the shirt off of his face, giving him a flat expression. I spoke plainly and neutrally, as my emotions and future course of action depend entirely on his next words. The look in my eyes was intense, and he started shaking a little.

“You did keep the sauce stirring, right?” I asked simply, and he blinked. Before my patience ran thin, he said

“Ah, o-of course I have!” He nervously stuttered, then turned to Mamma- “It-it’s a v-very good s-sauce, too!” Upon hearing the wonderful news, I let out a sigh of relief and threw an arm around his back.

“You’re a fuckin lifesaver. Seriously.” His back stiffened, but I paid him no mind as I made my way to the kitchen. I felt like I could cry tears of joy when I saw the table set and the sauce under a heating lamp.

When we all sat down for dinner that night, I actually invited the guard! I mean, shit. He helped make the sauce, he oughta have some. I’ll definitely have to talk to Mamma about the wisdom of just giving some random guard a spoon and telling him to start stirring, but I had a feeling that was an argument I’d lose regardless.

Besides, I wasn’t complaining. The guy’s name was Paul- he was a real nice fella, when he got over the shock of being invited for dinner by his country’s Premier Dictator. And I mean, he even cleaned a bunch of our house out of boredom and set the table. How could I not show my appreciation?

When he eventually went home for the night, he left with a jar fulla homemade tomato sauce and a story he’d be telling his friends at the bar for the rest of his life.

As for Annie? After we got her cleaned up at the hospital, we saw that she had black feathers like I did, a white coat like Adrian has… and a light gray beak. She slept peacefully in her crib that night while Dee and I just excitedly rambled to each other as to what the future might hold.

Eventually Mamma went out for a smoke, and there was no way in Hell I wasn’t joining her. My first cigarette in nine months felt heavenly, and I stood next to Mamma, leaning over the rail and just talking.

“Why do cigarettes have to be bad for babies?” I mused to myself. Mamma just snorted.

“What, are they healthy for adults?” She asked sarcastically as she used the butt of her current cigarette to light another.

“It’s healthy for me.” I said with a giggle as I used my lighter to light up another.

It was a chilly fall night, and the sounds of crickets and a gentle breeze filled the silence. I had a cigarette and even knocked back a couple celebratory shots after dinner.

Overall? I was feeling pretty damn good.

---

The same, however, could not be said about Twilight Sparkle, or King Thorax… As it turns out recent events have caused their friendship to be… put on hold, so to speak.

Evil Woman

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While the griffons enjoyed their prosperity, the Changelings were still mourning. But first- why not take a minute to look at the state of the place?

The hive has gone quite far in the past few years thanks to their newly founded emphasis on art and culture. Even though their level of industry pales in comparison to even that of Equestria, they created many public works projects that have become famous the world over.

Within less than a decade, the Changeling Hive had been transformed from an ugly, craggy blemish on the land; to a legitimately awesome multi-tiered city of pillars and marble highlighted with lapis lazuli, each level overflowing with beautifully maintained shrubbery, abundant spices, herbs, fruits, vegetables, as well as varied insects and snails which formed the majority of changeling diet. The Hive had even expanded, with marble buildings spreading out from the base of the cyclopean main building, serving as residencies, storehouses, and all sorts of purposes.

This development project was not the result of great material wealth, or financial cunning, or even corruption and creative accounting; no, this project was the result of people in a community coming together to create something beautiful, something which would stand for thousands of years past their death. Even if their names are forgotten in the coming millenia, knowing that you were part of something which will puzzle future historians is a far greater incentive than any material wealth.

For you see, the Changeling Hive practices what they call Hivism. It’s a system where after a changeling is educated and grown up, they get to choose what they want to do. Some like to build, some like to maintain, some like to cook, some like to farm, some like to teach, some continue to learn; and sometimes, changelings will dedicate their life to a hobby such as painting, if the corporate life doesn’t suit them.

Of course, there are systems in place to help prevent job shortages- for example, if the government needs more changelings for a public works project, and you’re a sculptor changeling who needs new tools, you can hop into one of these jobs and work until you can afford your tools, simply leave whenever.

The Changelings call this Hivism. And there is two main factors that allows it to work smoothly- The changeling hive faces very few external threats which would require militarization, thanks to the efforts of the Equestrian Military keeping the displaced beasts of the then-badlands in check, such as the dread maulwurf, among others.

The other would be the Changeling Relocation Clause, which was part of the original treaty. It states that as long as the Changeling Hive follows the rules and guidelines set by Equestria, a small percentage of Changelings would be allowed to leave the hive, and some even moved into Equestria proper. This serves as their main source of trade- they’re sent out to Equestria to work whatever jobs they can so that they can buy stuff that the hive needs.

I’m massively oversimplifying it, but it’s kind of like how the Amish fund their… amish activities, by building furniture and stuff to sell to the rest of the dirty, dirty sinners. Just with more prostitution, from the changelings.

Of course, this led Thorax to his current problem.

The funeral for the five changelings that were executed by the griffons was perhaps the biggest tragedy to yet befall the New Hive. Five innocent changelings who were conscripted into service by a foreign military were beaten and killed in the line of duty, which they never really wanted. They were never taught to fight, as it was assumed they wouldn’t need to.

Why would they? All they were doing was taking pictures for Equestria to keep the peace.

The funeral itself was a grand event, with massive portraits honoring their fallen companions, flowers and gold lining the walls and pillars, and speeches were given by family members, as well as Thorax. Volunteer artists helped to erect marble statues in their honor.

But anyways, the aftermath of this funeral is why King Thorax was silently brooding in his office. He had already cried enough at the funeral- he couldn’t cry anymore.

He couldn’t just pull out of Griffonia- the Equestrian military would leave them to dry, possibly even invade them! It was like the Treaty of Versailles- they weren’t allowed to properly militarize due to their past. Not to mention, all his changelings would get kicked out of Equestria, cutting off their one essential source of trade.

THUNK!

Thorax slammed a hoof into his desk, finally having had enough.

“That’s it. Where’s Saul?” He mumbled to himself. Saul was his head scribe- and he planned on calling him to reread the terms of the treaty. There had to be something in there, some sort of odd wording which could be exploited.

And if nothing else, Thorax remembered something he read from a transcription of a meeting between Leona and Twilight. Though much of it was redacted, one line in particular stuck out; If you want peace, prepare for war.

The soft king read this and thought to himself how horrible!

He sighed to himself. “Maybe… she has some merit, after all.”

“Finally seeing reason?” He heard his brother, Pharynx- causing him to startle. The King’s brother never quite got over his past in the military, and it still affects his outlook on life, even today.

“Look, I’m not saying I’m agreeing with that… evil woman…” Thorax snorted, “What was that thing Starlight said about a broken clock being right twice a day?” He said, already resolving to visit the aforementioned friend for advice. He went off to find his scribe, but his brother spoke up.

“Whatever you’re planning, do it fast. Equestria’s gonna get antsy when the photos stop coming in.” Thorax sighed. He ordered the laying low of his spies due to the danger of the situation, and thankfully, he hasn’t heard any bad news since. “Not to mention, who knows what that… that evil woman is planning?” He muttered to himself, and Thorax nodded silently in agreement.

---

Breaking News from the Griffonian Confederacy! Don Leona Grimfeather has announced the total nationalization of the griffon healthcare system!

“No more will the average griffon have to choose between rent and medical care! No more will you have to factor the ambulance wagon costs during times of emergency!”

Leona’s voice could be heard on the radio, along with the cheering crowd- “Let’s give a round of applause to Capo Jos McGowan and Capo Fin McGowan! They’re the ones that hel-”

The radio was turned off, the owner sighing and rubbing her temple. She looked at the hospital bill on her desk from her recent emergency appendix surgery bitterly, that and the dull ache in her side distracting her from the paperwork she desperately needed to finish before she could go to bed.

“Starliiight? Darling, why are you still up? You need rest.” Her lover whined from the doorway behind her, and she dropped her pencil and rested her head in her hooves.

“For fucks sake, Trixie, I gotta finish this!” She snapped, causing her to wince and grab her side. She immediately felt awful for her outburst- between that and the pain, she couldn’t stop a few errant tears from rolling down her cheeks. “Look, I didn’t mean to-” she moved to apologize, but Trixie was already there, wrapping her arms around her lover.

Having had enough, she took a deep breath and started silently crying into her wife’s shoulder.

See, it wasn’t the fact that Starlight couldn’t afford her bill. As the Dean of the School of Friendship and close friend of Twilight Sparkle, she was hardly hurting for money.

Starlight doesn’t see herself as being unable to afford the bill. The way she sees it, there shouldn’t be a bill at all. Why is it that the nation which is apparently the largest global superpower, can’t even pay for the medical bills of its citizens? Why are things such as medical leave and employment considered privileges, and not rights? Even as the Dean of the most prestigious law/business school in the nation, she’s no more exempt from suffering through the pain than anyone else.

But you know who is immune from that pain? The nobility. The rich. The CEO’s.

Twilight.

More and more, Starlight has seen her world turn into a corporate playground. Even Ponyville wasn’t safe from the encroaching tide of industry, with several canning and processing factories opened up to synergize with the local, ancient farms. Ponyville became a boomtown practically overnight, and ugly apartment buildings on the outskirts marred the idyllic beauty of the small town.

This is mainly a result of population growth. When Leona recreated the Haber-Bosch system, most of that ammonia got turned to fertilizer, which meant more food. More food meant cheaper food, and cheaper food meant bigger families. Bigger families means more jobs are required, more people buy food, have more kids, buy more food, number goes up, money printer goes BRRRRRRRR… you get the point.

Starlight finally calmed herself down enough to speak.

“Trix, can you do me a favor, baby?” She asked, face still buried in her wifes shoulder. “Send a telegram to Neighsay. I’m not going in tomorrow.” She resolved as the two made their way to their bedroom. Because of Starlight’s injury, they couldn’t cuddle as tight as they normally do- but they were content being close regardless.

Besides, it’s friday. Fuck ‘em.

---

Because of the pain medication Starlight was on, she slept quite well. She took a little extra before bed, so that night her head was full of visions of sugar plums and other incoherent nonsense. Her wife had already left for work and helped her change her bandages, so she was left to let her injury heal in peace.

She laid in bed, the early morning sunlight filtering through the curtains as her nearby radio played soft, relaxing music. It was early fall- but Starlight had a thick comforter and soft pajamas to keep warm.

DING, DONG! DING, DONG! KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK!

Her doorbell getting mashed followed by several heavy knocks on her front door made her rub her forehead in exasperation. The pounding never stopped, contributing to her budding headache.

When she opened the door, Neighsay was there- and he looked quite furious.

“What is the meaning of this!?” He held the telegram up and slammed it into the dirt below. He was her “boss-” but really, he was just some unqualified noble who was given his position on the school board.

“I just got out of surgery. I’m sorry, but I can’t work today.” She said plainly, the pain in her side flaring up. The stallion just huffed in annoyance and rolled his eyes.

“Ohh, boo-hoo for you. Next, I suppose you’re gonna tell me you can’t work because you stubbed your hoof?” He was utterly unsympathetic, and he used his hoof to kick some gravel into Starlights home. He pointed at Starlight. “If I don’t see you on Monday, there will be consequences.” He didn’t care who Twilight was friends with. He was nobility, and Twilight couldn’t do shit about it.

If anything, Twilight would be forced to take Neighsay’s side.

“Understood, Chancellor Neighsay.” He snorted then huffed off. Starlight didn’t dare slam her door in the face of a noble, as the consequences for such an insult would be quite bad.

But it’s a good thing she waited-

“Thorax!” She waved to her changeling friend as he approached from the distance.

As it turns out, he planned to visit to see how she was doing after her surgery. They spent the next while talking about personal things- about the surgery, about the spies, all sorts of stuff.

But eventually, the conversation shifted.

They were in Starlight’s living room, both picking away at a bowl of grapes that sat on the coffee table while they spoke.

“So, Thorax.” She said, using her magic to pop a grape in her mouth. “How… how happy, are the changelings?” She asked curiously, and Thorax cocked an eyebrow.

“I mean… what with the recent-” He started,

“No, I mean… in general. Do you think they’re… happy with how you run things? With how things work?” She asked nervously. Without hesitation, Thorax responded.

“Absolutely, they’re happy.” He beamed with pride as he explained- “The utter freedom that my people enjoy was completely unheard of during the time of Chrysalis! It makes you wonder, why didn't we do things like that sooner, you know?” He mused to himself, and Starlight scratched her chin.

“Yeah… Why…” She muttered to herself, rubbing her chin.

The rest of their friendly meeting went amicably… but Starlight had a lot on her mind.

That night, she would pen Hivism and Equestria: Why Not Now?

It was an essay where Starlight argues that an Equestria that is made to function like the Changeling Hive, with some modifications, would be a far better system than the one currently in place.

This ideology would eventually be named Marksism, after the author’s pseudonym- Cutie Marks.

---

“Leona, why are you wearing that?” My wife asked as I changed Annie for the first time.

Due to the abhorrent smell, I put one of my gas masks on, much to the amusement of our baby. She kept swatting and grabbing at the filter, squirming around and generally being a menace.

Finally, my baby was clean and changed, and I took the mask off and gave my wife a deadpan.

“She stinks.” Was my defense.

Blue Collar Man, Pt 1

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On a warm summer afternoon, a lone griffon in a suit sat in a booth by the window of a little cafe. He had a black coffee and a mostly untouched breakfast. Outside the window, he could hear the deep rumble of a motorcar as it passed by.

It truly was amazing- in just a mere five years, and financially backed by Don Grimfeather, the automotive industry has taken the spotlight off the train as a symbol of Prosperity and hope within the Griffonian Syndicate.

From the common model of The People’s Car all the way up to the luxurious Ben’s Motorcars, despite what the Equestrian media will tell you, it’s here to stay.

This would all be fine and well… if that griffon was here for sightseeing; He was waiting on someone for a meeting, and was starting to grow impatient.

The bell by the front door rang out, and the griffon breathed a sigh of relief. Way he saw it, the less time he spent here, the better. Internally, he felt himself a trespasser in the cave of a great, sleeping bear; and he was there for the specific goal of poking it, for the greater good.

A nervous looking griffon woman in her mid 20s quickly took her seat, followed by the waitress showing up.

“Can I start ya with anything?” she asked with a smile, totally ignorant of the weight of the conversation about to happen at that booth.

After a quick glance at the menu, “Ah, uhm… Equish muffin, with peanut butter. Black coffee, please.” She answered with a polite smile and a nod. The waitress walked away, the only hint of her tiredness being the sluggishness with which she walked.

The lady glanced around nervously.

“Hello, Mrs. G-”

“Wait.” She said abruptly. “H-how do I know you’re not… on her payroll?” Some of her employer's paranoia rubbed off on her, evidently. After getting over the initial shock, he simply chuckled softly.

“Ma’am, if I was with her? You’d have arrived first and your introduction to me would’ve been a gun behind the ear.” Nevertheless, he pulled his wallet out, and his badge did identify him as an Equestrian agent. It calmed her significantly- and besides. The lady’s worked around Leona for long enough to know how she deals with problems.

The waitress dropped off her coffee and muffin, and the two waited until she was behind the counter to begin. She leaned in and started to speak quietly, but was interrupted.

“The fuck are you doing?” he asked in a hushed voice, putting a hand to her shoulder, gently guiding her back into her seat. In a much calmer voice, he said- “Sit down and talk normally. Looks less suspicious that way.” She still looked quite nervous, as she fidgeted with the handle of the coffee mug. “Listen, I’m here to help. Once this is over, I got a couple folks’ll help you lay low until we can get you outta here.” He spoke calmly, with a reassuring smile.

Maria Galloway, the unwitting daughter of Leona’s first murder victim, took a deep breath in an attempt to calm down. She knew how much danger she was putting herself in. But she also knew that the deranged lunatics who hypnotised her entire country needed to be brought to justice. Especially Diamond Tiara- Maria had… quite a bit of dirt on her.

It’s just unfortunate that much of this dirt was acquired from firsthand experience.

Indeed, Equestria wished to bring the couple to justice… is what she was told.

In reality, Twilight was feeling a little concerned. And when someone says they feel a little concerned? They’re very concerned.

About five years ago, there was a bit of a scandal, in which it was revealed that Equestria had been illegally sending changeling spies to monitor certain key political players. They got caught, executed, and the changelings at the hive spent like, a week in mourning.

Not only could this act of aggression sparked a war, it has tarnished the reputation of the changelings, who have been working tirelessly to turn their image around. Thorax had one of his scribes re-read the treaty which gave Equestria that power in the first place.

As it turns out? There was a clause. The gist of it was that the Changeling spies couldn’t be used for any direct military or combat purposes. They wouldn’t- most of them hate fighting, after spending most of their lives under the totalitarian rule of Chrysalis, who sent them to die en-masse during the siege of Canterlot.

Changelings, in their most primal and wild form, should act like a parasite. Something that quietly enters your home, studies your every move, every aspect of your being until it knows enough that it can take your place in the Herd. And once it’s sapped the love from your friends and family, your Herd will be left to wonder why they felt so drained and why you abandoned them.

But the era in which changelings could even potentially act like that has long passed. Ponies no longer sleep under trees, outside where you can blend in with all the fleas and flies like the kindred spirits you both were born to be. Ponies in the modern world lead far more complex lives, have more friends, and as a side effect of their slowly evolving equine brains, have even discovered magical ways to detect these strange, terrifying creatures.

In summary, for a single changeling to study every minute detail would simply be impossible. It’d be madness to attempt! Even the most masterfully trained Changeling spies will eventually slip up and get discovered. They get discovered in a moment of weakness, let their guard down. Sometimes they may even reveal their true form to a partner without even noticing until it’s too late. Even the craftiest, most masterful, highly intelligent Changeling reincarnation of Spymaster Garbo is not immune to this folly.

And in the way of sheer, black-and-white contrast, the modern Changeling is a noble evolution… or rather, it’s a metamorphosis of the once-primitive, beast-like parasites of this land into that of a higher culture, inspired of the ways of Friendship extolled by Equestria. One which emphasises intellect and peaceful resolution to general barbary, even further distancing themselves from the past. The contemporary Changeling Hive truly is a modern Babylon, not only in all its garden girdled majesty, but also in what it represents; for is forgiveness not the aspect of a great friendship, when the belligerent has made a clear and honest effort to amend their ways?

That, according to many, is what made the shameless use of Changeling resources to satisfy Equestria’s moral superiority so tragic; as many as five changelings are dead because The Crown couldn’t help but leave well enough alone. This whole situation spits in the face of the values of friendship and tolerance!

And wouldn’t you know it- ponies are noticing. It started off small- some author anonymously published an essay, the ideas of which slowly started gaining traction within intellectual circles, such as around colleges. Nerds, pretty much. In the future, these nerds would evolve to become Hearts of Iron IV players.

Wait. What?

These nerds I MEAN intellectuals form clubs with their colleagues, where they meet together to discuss these strange new ideas over coffee and, occasionally, weed. There are a lot of stoners in this ideology, probably enticed by the idea of not having to work. Yet on the opposite end of the spectrum, you had those that totally opposed the idea of using drugs which alter one's state of mind.

This spectrum of ideology often falls under the term Marksism, the essay which formed the genesis of these new ideas. Some prefer to go by the general marksist, perhaps as a way to excuse them from having to explain the name of their fringe ideology to anyone who may be interested. Some of these marksists will likely punch you in the face if you call them a marksist, especially after they spent the time explaining their half-baked ideas to you over far too many shots at the pub.

The original author, Starlight Glimmer, would eventually call these outcasts who joined her out of a sense of nothing left to lose or even boredom, useful idiots to the cause… Not to their face, of course.

Then on the opposite side of the umbrella term Marksist, exists another term- The Elite. They are made up of many groups and ideologies, many of them working independently towards the same goal- the total, willing, enslavement and vast ignorance of The People, with which they will be left to exploit freely the Goods of the People.

Capitalists, blue-blooded nobility, the bankers, and I’m sure if you dig deep enough and keep going down past China, you’ll probably find that one of the Rothschilds was involved, somehow. It is not a masterfully co-ordinated effort by an elite few in an effort to keep the masses in line, despite what some would lead you to believe. These groups all work independently towards one goal- wealth and power, at the expense of the people.

Meanwhile, the corporate workers devour each other like wild beasts, an utter cacophony of a grey cubicle; the mountains of paper giving you snow-blindness, and each echoing CLACK! Of a stamp driving you closer and closer to insanity.

This is no way for anyone to live, and the marksists have realised this; using the exploitation of those up top to even convert some of those stuffy middle-managers to their cause, with them abandoning their clipboards and the massive stick up their ass to take what had always belonged to them. Things have gotten so out of hand that even the fucking rat race slowed down as more and more corporate ponies quiet-quit as a means of protest.

Those up top are not happy with the state of things. Even they’re considering ousting the monarchy like that won’t cause generations of infighting and instability, as even the working class will begin picking up rocks in a desperate attempt to out their newest despot. Even though there is a not-insignificant minority among The People calling for violence and immediate revolution, a harrowing number of the Elite are calling for the wholesale slaughter and devastation of the people who are forced to serve.

But generally speaking, calls for violence are chastised by those who exist between the spectrum of Elite and Marksist. They are often called centrists, but their numbers have been shrinking by the day anyway. Eventually, there will be no-one left to defend or mourn the Elite… after that? Then we will bury you.

But until then? Glimmer refuses to give up.

“Today is a beautiful day, Comrades! For it will be marked in the history books, as for the first time ever, the ruling elite and the Nobility will soon be forced to capitulate to our demands peacefully!” Which wasn’t entirely true… but Glimmer knew that in order to dismantle the system and rebuild it anew, she knew she needed the unwavering support of her people.

If the massive crowd that showed up to Canterlot to finally meet the progenitor of Marksism is anything to go by, Starlight felt confident in saying that she had it. Though the support and rooting of her wife was very nice and always welcome… to hear a crowd cheering for her made tears form in the corner of her eyes.

“You know, I was always just your average pony- I worked hard for five days a week, toiling and slaving away for the Almighty Equestrian Bit!” The casualness and joviality in her voice quickly endeared the crowd to her, and they were hanging on to her every word. And not only was the crowd listening in, most of Equestria was, and even a few in Griffonia who were interested. It was very lucky for Glimmer that the CEO of the radio company was “one of the good ones”, helping the people! He truly had no ulterior motives…

Come on now, did you think Glimmer wouldn’t ask the people who worked for him whether he was truly on their side? But he was an incredibly useful idiot, and one which, if the People will it, may even get certain special privileges for his prison cell.

“I’m going to tell you a story, because I wish to know how common of an issue this is.” She stated, and the crowd calmed themselves. “Approximately five years ago, I was rushed to a hospital for emergency surgery. And while the situation was stressful and the pain nearly unbearable, you wanna know something?” she said, a certain slyness evident in her voice. “I remembered thinking to myself, goodness, this bill is gonna be awful.” A few people in the crowd giggled, but after a moment of introspective, they all came to the same conclusion- the system was awful, and something had to be done. But Glimmer wasn’t finished.

“Then, despite the direness of the situation, I was forced to wait until my shift was over before attempting to admit myself to the hospital. But I couldn’t wait, and I was left to collapse in the hallway. Chancellor Neighsayer, my direct supervisor, was right on the scene… to tell everyone to get back to work!” outrage was near universal amongst the crowd, and she still wasn’t finished.

“When I got out of my surgery, Neighsayer personally took the time out of his day to visit me… to drop off more paperwork!” taking a page out of Leona’s book, she was gesticulating wildly. Punctuating her last sentence by pounding the podium, the loud Clack! Of her brass horseshoe against the podium gave her an idea. Her horseshoe was of the modern variety- so rather than being held in place by hammering tacks into the hard keratin outer edge of the hoof, she instead had special magnets inlaid into the keratin, so removing her shoes was simply a matter of pulling harder.

I’m only explaining this so you know how what happened next didn’t require any special tools on her part. All she had to do was take her shoe off and start using it as a makeshift gavel.

CLANG! The shoe reverberated satisfyingly like a tuning fork.

“Adding literal insult to literal injury, when I had the nerve to call off because I couldn’t work through the pain? Neighsayer’s exact words to me that night…” the clanging of her shoe briefly slowed, and she said “If I don’t see you on monday, there will be consequences! That’s the words that inbred degenerate bureaucrat told me… on the same night I penned the first draft Hivism and Equestria!” The crowd started whipping itself up into a frenzy, and the clang of a brass horseshoe originating from their Leader got their attention.

“The worst part is, there are laws in place to prevent this type of abuse! Only, those laws remain unenforced, simply because The Elite won’t allow it! The government agencies, whenever their bioluminescence isn’t blinding us from seeing Truth, are woefully understaffed and underbudgeted. Greedy Elites rig local votes to pass laws that only benefit the few. Did you know that every year, more and more freedoms we always held for granted as a Sovereign People are being weakened and eroded?!” She was speaking passionately, as though she were genuinely speaking from the bottom of her heart.

“Union-busting is rampant! Our pensions, crumbling and eroded by The Elite gambling it all away on stocks at Palistrade Avenue, while more and more people can’t even afford pennystocks!” The clanging of her shoe against the podium, in between swings, caused them to emit an oddly hypnotic timbre, the calm undertone contrasting with the bombastic overtone of Glimmer like a symphony of utter chaos amidst revolutionary fervour. “In highlighting this injustice, it is my hope that one day, everypony may once again get along, living in Harmony, just as the great Saint Celestia always intended!”

For context, Celestia isn’t dead. The majority of ponies didn’t like referring to their previous God-Empress by her first name, and to avoid offending Twilight, people just started calling her Saint Celestia.

Even through the cacophony of the crowd, the distant hum of a zeppelin caught the attention of particularly sensitive individuals. It was a small one, probably for personal use by one who had the means.

“Look! Even now, The Elite insult us, flying above our heads as though we were dirt under their hooves!” Because of the angle and direction it was approaching from, being directly south, no one spotted the symbol representing the Griffonian Syndicate on the tailfin, the bright yellow of The Sign contrasting heavily with the black fabric of the airship.

The crowd giggled at her little quip, but quickly returned to the previous seriousness once the novelty of the approaching zeppelin wore off.

“But our movement is one of peace. We must work to bring these criminals to justice once and for all!” The crowd of ponies cheered triumphantly, “We must work together as one united people! To show the world that change doesn’t always have to happen as a result of violence!” She took a deep breath, and belted out her final statement.

“We will stand together as one! But to do that, we need one, final thing…” She gave a pause for dramatic effect before belting out- “SOLIDARITY! THAT’S OUR WORD! SOLIDARITY!”

She was so happy that she didn’t even notice the Equestrian Royal Guardforce slowly surrounding the area as ponies started removing their shoes and clanging them against the pavement.

“SOLIDARITY! SAY IT WITH ME!”

—

The flush of a toilet could be heard.

“You know, why does our private zeppelin have a shitter? Because I’m pretty sure Equestrian trains still don’t!” I ranted to no one in particular. My wife merely snorted from her spot on the couch, where she was reading a magazine and drinking a martini. She looked very cute with her reading glasses, not gonna lie.

She gave me a deadpan stare, with her glasses hanging on the end of her nose. “Money?” I rolled my eyes and took my spot on the couch. It was a real nice one- each side had its own independent footrest, which I happily activated by pulling the lever.

“Can’t cost that much to drill a fuckin’ hole in the ground.” I kicked back with a sigh, my left hand behind my head for support and the other holding a whiskey… for sipping.

“Have you seen the state of the place, lately?” she had a smug grin that suited her so fuckin’ well. I gave her a grin of my own.

“No, I’m too busy staring into your beautiful eyes all the time. Why, what’s happenin?” Once Annie learns proper sarcasm, we’re all fucked. Speaking of my pride and joy, Mamma was watching her at home.

“Aww, honey!” she said sweetly, putting her magazine down to cuddle into my side. I threw an arm around her, gently stroking her mane.

Despite how good I felt, I couldn’t help but let out a sigh of exasperation from another issue. “I still can’t believe Equestria’s already gone to shit. I can’t! And I didn’t even do anything this time!”

“Oh don’t worry, they’ll find some way to blame you when it all falls apart.” Once again, I sighed.

“For cryin’ out loud, I can’t even eat veal without those fuckers saying I eat babies or something!” My wife giggled, but I decided to cut my rant short. “Thankfully, their propaganda department’s been lacking, ever since they lost their easy-mode spies.” They actually had to train ponies or Griffon-Equestrian nationalists to send over a spy- a job that very few people are suicidal enough, or perhaps stupid enough, to even apply for… nevermind the fact that most of them get caught at the borders, the rules of which I was forced to tighten.

“I mean, I was kind enough to convince Twilight to allow open border travel, so she thanks me by sending spies over? Get the fuck outta here, I hope that fuckin great-value brand Lenin they got coming up over there is the one to pull the lever at the gallows!” After a few moments of silence, my wife spoke up.

“Who was Lenin, again?” she asked, and I snorted and rolled my eyes.

“One of the Russian commies. Not gonna lie, I don’t know a lot of the history because… well, they’re Communists, who gives a shit, ya’ know? Bottom line is, Communism is fucked and will never work because it relies on fallible, mortal people who will inevitably serve their own interests.” I lit up a cigarette, thankful that my Zeppelin was powered by Helium. “I mean, it kind of works out for us in the long run, since we were planning on weakening Equestria and cleaning house anyway… But there’s a reason I went through so much effort to keep those books the fuck out of my Syndicate.”

“Well, yeah… but…” she spoke up, and with a sigh she admitted- “I read it myself, and Mark’s really does have some good ideas!”

I just gave her a deadpan look. “You fallin’ for this commie bullshit?” I couldn’t believe it!

“Nonono, it’s not that. Her end goal is laughably unrealistic. In fact, I’m willing to bet that if Mrs. Mark’s identity is discovered, she’s a dead mare walking. It’s more of a broken clock being right twice a day type of deal.” Dee sat back up, making talking to her a bit easier. Personally, I had to giggle.

“She’s stepping on a lot of toes and indirectly insulting some very powerful people. Just because it’s not a legal death sentence to insult the nobility, does not mean they take insults in stride. Hell, if the rumors are true, some of the more powerful nobility have mercs on salary, which they often call their “personal guard.”

With a deep puff of a cigarette, I sighed in contentment. “Something tells me I’ll be sending someone to whack her one of these days, whoever she is.” I took a sip of whiskey, and my Zeppelin’s PA system crackled to life.

“Don Grimfeather, Empress Tiara- we’ll be making touchdown in half an hour, and I highly recommend you look out the window. Seriously.”

With nothing better to do than to sit on my ass and complain about communist horses, we both got up to look.

“Holy Christ.” was all I could say. Dee was totally slack-jawed, and I couldn’t blame her.

Words can barely do justice in describing the Gardens of Babylon, and that rang true even still. As our zeppelin docked, the construction of which was paid for by me, I couldn’t help but feel…

I don’t know how to describe it. It’s like an overall sense of… wrongness? Maybe it could be described as disgust?

Either way, a changeling, named Spiracle, would be our guide to the Main Hive.

Even as we were led into the main structure, the only definite word I could, in my mind, use to describe this feeling. Decadence.

Decadence was in abundance here. The women wore beautiful dresses made of silk harvested within the hive itself. It was only two PM, and as we walked by a group of drunken revellers stumbling their way down the sidewalk, I was awed by the sight of a monolithic fountain within one of the city’s cultural plaza’s.

You know, I expected some… resistance? A protest? Maybe even some tomatoes thrown my way? Indeed, the changelings going about their day were just… chill. A street band was nearby playing music just for fun, and a small crowd joined in on the spontaneous street party.

“You get a bad feeling about this place, too?” Dee turned and looked at me like I grew a second head. I just shrugged. “I mean, this is great and all… but what happens when you get bored of partying all the time?” The guard, who we were told to follow, merely shrugged.

“Often, those that feel bored usually don’t remain as such.” yeah, that’s a fuckin’ answer.

I groaned in annoyance. “Stop here a minute. I need a smoke.” I already had the cigarette in my mouth, leaning against a marble pillar when I was interrupted.

“Can’t smoke here.” I huffed in annoyance- but I wanted to actually follow the rules this time, so I put it back in the pack.

“Take me somewhere I can smoke then, wouldya?” I was feeling a little snappy, not gonna lie. At least there were plenty of seats in the smoking area, along with a bunch of state propaganda claiming that cigarettes are bad for you. Well if smoking was so bad, why do 9/10 doctors recommend it? I rest my case.

But even the smoking area wasn’t free from that dissonant feeling of unease- compounded by the clean sterility around me, like the odd marble structure in the plaza in front of us, which had a not-too short line waiting out front. I assumed it was a public shitter, and thought nothing of it.

“Wait, are changeling bathrooms not separated by gender?” My wife asked, and indeed, there was only one door and line- we figured there must have been one on the other side. Our tour guide merely cocked an eyebrow.

“No, why… why would we have separate bathrooms?” I couldn’t help but chuckle- to be fair, it was kind of a dumb question. “I mean, if you look at the whole spectrum of different ways changelings identify as, there’s just… not enough space for that many different bathrooms, I guess.”

“Wait, so changelings have more than two genders?” Before he could answer my wife’s question, I decided to.

“Honey, changelings can have no gender if they want. Literally, flat carapace and no genitalia if that’s what feels right. Aren't there some changelings that go by another species entirely?” He nodded with a smile, letting me know that I was right.

“My brother’s a cat, actually.” My wifes curiosity was now piqued, and the changeling went on to discuss his brother's story, and how it affected their family. He goes by Mittens, nowadays.

I gotta be careful to not pet any cats while I’m here.

I let them chat- personally, I’m more interested in what a changeling whore can do. There’s no such thing as “not your type” when it comes to changelings, and it’s something they’ve been known to capitalise on.

It was oddly hypnotic, watching the line of changelings advance. The line would almost clear out, but another straggler or two would inevitably show up- probably the suckers that had to take a late lunch.

Soon I stood up, and we were on the move without a single word from my beak.

God I love being powerful.

As we walked past those bathrooms, I felt a hoof grab my arm. I turned my head to see what the issue was, and saw…

“Spiracle.” My voice was flat and tense. “What is this building? What function or purpose does it serve?” It was large and octagonal, with only a single door that we haven’t seen anyone leave. Something’s fucky and I intended to find out.

“It’s a Public Relief Chamber. It… relieves the public.” He smirked with a sheepish grin, and I glared at him. “Well… you asked what happens when you’re sick of the party. Well, you can visit the feelings forum… or, you enter the Relief Chamber to join Father.” Having seen enough, we decided to keep walking.

“What… what happens when you join your father?” Dee asked cautiously.

“They get re-constituted into biomass. It’s much nicer, and safer, than just chucking their corpses to the nymphs.” I’m sorry, WHAT!?

“Hold up, back the fuck up. How has not a soul outside the hive seen this?” He seemed genuinely confused, and perhaps even annoyed at our incessant questioning into this apparent suicide booth.

“We don’t get visitors very often, and when we do, they’re often more interested in our Garden. Many Equestrians still feel some race prejudice against us, unfortunately.” gee, I wonder why? “And I don’t understand the problem. It’s a natural process that changelings have done since there ever was such a thing as a changeling. The difference is, we don’t just throw fully constituted bodies into the egg pit like barbarians.”

“Well, glad to know you’re not barbaric.” My wife said sarcastically… like she had any room to talk.

“Indeed! Nowadays, we have a system in place where Father de-constitutes the remains, recycling us so we may serve our descendents, even past death! Nothing gets wasted, and the honey has gotten better and better as more intelligent brains are added to the mix. That’s why the hive in this age no longer employs mindless drones. It’s good for their brains, you know?”

“Yeah, you’re right.” I said, no longer wanting to pay attention… before I realised my wife stopped walking.

She had a look of abject horror on her face, and she stuttered out-“Did… did you say honey?” My eyes shot open as the implication set in.

“Yeah. That’s actually where changeling honey comes from! Because the hive’s been doing so well, we found that we had a surplus of the stuff. Heh, those stuffy rich folks in Canterlot can’t get enough of the stuff.” I’m banning the fucking importation of that shit when we get home.

The stuff is very delicious, don’t get me wrong. But it’s like finding out how hot dogs are made- once you’ve seen the secret, they just don’t look the same anymore.

After that, I told our guide to shut the fuck up and take us straight to Thorax. We were getting the fuck outta here.

The inside was just as beautiful as the outside, yet… I don’t think I’ll get very prosy with this description. God, these people are fucked up. But admittedly, the interior decorations were quite sparse. That’s when I realised- this was a people that lived in grand, decadent houses and naively revelled the days away.

Maybe that’s why I felt so… strange around this place. The realisation that, in the long run, these bums are gonna let their nation go to shit.

Fuck if I know.

Despite… everything, I was still very fascinated by why he invited me out here. I greeted him with a hug and a smile, taking my place at the table in the middle of the room.

He looked at me with a genuine, friendly smile and asked, “So, how was-”

“You got a lotta fuckin balls draggin’ me out here, you know that?” He was nervously sweating, and stuttered heavily. I interrupted him, saying “Look, I’m not upset-” mostly “-You said you wanted to have a sitdown… and rather than coming to me, you make me bring my own zeppelin, build my own dock, and supply my own fuel. Then to top it off, I found out that changeling honey is made of half-digested changeling corpses.” My expression, previously flat and deadpan, curled up into a smile.

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m smiling!” My expression fell into a scowl. “But I’m very fucking furious right now.” I simply held my palms out, awaiting my fucking explanation.

After a few moments of him nervously stuttering, he sighed. “Look. I… I know we haven’t gotten along, but…” he seemed genuinely scared, and my look softened. “I feel that with the current state of world affairs, it is necessary to… to seek alternatives to Equestria, should… should something happen.” he was twiddling his hooves, and I leaned back in my chair, motioning for him to continue and steepling my hands.

“I was…” He let out a deep sigh. “And I know the thing with the hon-”

“Nah, nah, I ain’t worried about that. Forget the honey, it’s irrelevant- but do know, I will be banning the importation of the stuff. As a heads up.” he seemed totally floored at my lack of hard feelings. “Look, I’m not here to tell you how to live. That stuff’s none of my business.” Then, with a genuine smile, I asked- “What I wanna know is, what can I do for you?” I’ve been dealing with Twilight’s bullshit for way too long, I’m not the goddamn world police.

“I wanted… I wanted to know if…” he was holding his head in his hooves, and I was wondering what the fuck was wrong with this entire side of the planet. As a way to encourage a hastier decision, I unholstered my shiny new revolver and gently set it on the table.

“Those.” He pointed to my pistol on the table. “We… we need those.” I glanced over to Dee, who cocked an eyebrow.

“You need guns. That’s what you're saying?” he nodded rapidly, as though he were afraid to say the word out loud.

“As much as I hate to say it, no.” His expression fell significantly, and I honestly thought the poor bastard would cry. “Because even if I did give you a bunch of guns and ammo, how do I know you’re not gonna fuck me over?”

“Because if I fucked you over, you’d do something very, very terrible to me. Am I wrong?” I gave him a wide grin, which did nothing to calm his nerves.

“You’re not wrong at all. Besides- where are you gonna get the powder? Replacement parts? Whale oil? How do I know my guns won’t rust away in a shed or be used for an arts and crafts project? Not to mention, how the hell are you gonna afford any of that?” I holstered my gun, now that I finally figured out what this was all about. “But I know you’re in… a bit of a situation. Equestria’s on the verge of a civil war, and you're feeling a little concerned that the Zebras down south might get some funny ideas, right?”

He looked ashamedly to the side, nodding dejectedly. “As… as much as I hate to admit it, yes. My brother was right. About that thing you said.” I just cocked an eyebrow.

“I talk a lotta shit, do you know how little that narrows it down?” Surprisingly enough, he chuckled.

“If you want peace-”
“Prepare for war.” A changeling with a deep, gravelly voice finished that sentence. Something told me this guy was the reason there are still designated smoking areas in the city.

He was a changeling that had a darker colour palette than all the rest- but despite this, he looked just as fruity as the rest of the changelings.

“Sorry for being late. Father’s been… unusually difficult to calm down, today.” He introduced himself as Pharynx.

“Hold on, who’s the Father?” At this point, I had to ask. They’ve name dropped the guy like, 20 times now.

“We’re… not at liberty to say. He has a name, but-” Thorax said curiously, as though he were afraid of lying. Pharynx spoke up, though.

“He’s real secretive. He has a name, but he gets… restless when anyone says it out loud while the stars are wrong. And he hates it when people look at him outside of particular… holidays.” I made a note to myself- never let Mind’s Eye near the Hive. Something was very, very wrong with this place. I remember reading in a book about the wild parties they threw here once in a while; and the idea that this party might’ve had an ulterior motive…

“Tell you what. I’ll cut ya’s a deal.” Pharynx smiled wide. “But I have selfish reasons. Whatever strange… thing you have going on below, must stay below. I don’t know all the details. I don’t want to know all the details.” Ever since a parasite replaced my tongue, I’ve been… wary of the occult. I use the yellow sign- but that’s because it gives me a sense of comfort.

But the deal I made with the changelings involved me sending over a bunch of our old crossbows we had in storage, as well as a few griffons to train them. In exchange, I made them sign a non-aggression pact, and promised to come to their aid if shit goes down. But that part of the deal, we were keeping under the table. Along with… other things.

“One more thing, before you go.” Thorax said, his tone deadly serious. I sat back down to hear him out. “Pinkie promise me that you won’t tell anyone about the honey… or the relief chambers.” I couldn’t help but let out a peal of laughter, same with my wife.

“Wa-wait, you’re serious?” I said, wiping a tear from my eye. His eyes did indeed tell me he was being serious. “Oh, fucks sakes… Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye.” I even did the ridiculous hand motions, though I didn’t poke myself in the eye.

I turned to my wife and said- “What was that thing that Pinkie always said?” She just rolled her eyes, and sarcastically droned out-

“Something something, lose a friend-”

“FOREVER!” Pinkie’s head popped out of a potted plant in the corner that definitely wasn’t fucking there a minute ago.

“AH!” I yelped, quickly drawing my revolver.

BANG!BANG!BANG!BANG!BANG!BANG!

The potted plant was reduced to a pile of ceramic shards, dirt, and leaves- with no Pinkie Pie. Everyone else in the room was covering their ears, and Thorax even dived under the table. But me? After I got over the initial shock, I was pissed.

“You don’t FUCKING DO THAT! TO SOMEONE WITH A GUN!” I quickly removed my wooden leg and started beating the fuck out of the pile of dirt, hoping that fucking pink menace was still in the pile somehow. But still- after that outburst, I felt much better.

I breathed out a sigh of relief, a contented smile on my beak. “Well, that meeting went fantastic!” I turned around.

Thorax was still trembling under the table, Pharynx was attempting to coax him out, and my wife was glaring at me.

“What?” I asked innocently as I put my leg back on.

“There better not be a stiff in that fuckin dirt, we don’t have any lime on the ship!” She whinged, and I rolled my eyes.

“Look, I’m sure that whatever fucked up thing the changelings worship down below is in kahoots with Pinkie- she’s fine.” Just to prove it, I kicked the dirt around, revealing nothing but a stone floor. “Remind me to have Emmie look into Pinkie Pie’s… existence at some point. That woman scares me.”

“Wait wait wait, can you repeat that?” Thorax had a shit-eating grin on his face as his brother helped him out from under the table. “You’re afraid… of Pinkie Pie? Have you met her, she wouldn’t hurt a fly!” He and his brother shared a laugh.

“I have met her, and she gives me a headache.” I pulled my revolver out and broke open the top, ejecting and pocketing the six empty cartridges, covered in soot from the black powder. I reloaded it using six rounds of .455 Long from a bandolier under my coat. “Oh, one more thing. Why are those two wearing maid outfits?” While I was reloading my pistol, two changelings in French maid outfits started cleaning up the remains of the potted plant.

“Why wouldn’t we?” One of them asked, and you know what? Fair enough. My wife had an odd look in her eye that I didn’t like.

“I know what you’re thinking. Stop it.” My voice was flat, and she rolled her eyes with a smirk. I turned to Thorax, holding my hand out. “If that’ll be all, then? You’ll have the first shipment by next week.” We shook, and he had a grateful look on his face.

“We really do appreciate your understanding.” He said, and I had to admire this guy's politeness. I mean, I killed five of his guys, and they’re willing to shrug it off, just like that? Shit, I’m not complaining. Then again- something tells me they’re feeling backed into a corner.

And so, after a journey that felt way longer than it actually was, it was time to go home. I opened the door… then slammed it shut.

“THORAX! LEONA! OPEN UP!” Twilight was here, pounding on the door.

“DON’T LET HER IN!” Pharynx yelled,

“PLEASE! I’M SORRY, OKAY!?” She sounded genuinely on the verge of tears, and it gave me pause. I looked back to my host, who nodded slowly.

“Step back. The door swings inward.” The pounding stopped for a moment, and I slowly opened the door.

Her face already had a few streaks in her fur from previously shed tears. “Starlight’s in danger.” that got Thorax’s immediate undivided attention. Twilight looked at me and elaborated- “Cutie Marks. Hivism and Equestria.” wait wait wait… fucking Glimmer is the founding mother of Marksism?

“You know, I really wish I could say I was surprised by this.” I deadpanned. “Now this, I gotta hear.”

Things are gonna get really, really interesting, I feel. But I’ve been writing this entry all day, my hand’s starting to hurt. If this was a TV show, they’d probably slap a big ol’ TO BE CONTINUED! Card across the screen.

Blue Collar Man, Pt 2

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“LET GO OF ME, PIGS!” Starlight yelled as she was literally dragged into Canterlot Castle Dungeon for questioning. They were not gentle, and Starlight didn’t make it easy for them. She kicked and struggled the whole way, getting bruised and scraped up in the process. The was held down and strapped to a chair in a decent sized stone room with one-way glass; a magic-inhibitor ring was slid onto her horn.

It was a travesty. Captain Gallus, as head of the Equestrian armed guard forces, was in charge of the execution of this travesty. Officers stormed the place, their normal guns loaded with experimental less-lethal rubber bullets which, heated up by black powder, partially melted and fused with skin. They stopped when they realized this- but the damage had been done. Arrests were made, ponies dragged off for medical attention, bodies were bagged.

“Long time no see, Principle Starlight.” Gallus said with a grin, taking his seat across from the prisoner. She glared at him with hate- but he shrugged it off. “I can see you’ve been busy.”

“After all I’ve done for you?” She growled, her gums starting to hurt from how hard she was gritting her teeth.

“I serve Equestria, Starlight. That takes priority over all else.” Her glare never fell, and he continued- “This was your choice. Twilight warned you that if you went through with this, she’d have to stop you.”

“Oh, please. After how ponies have been treated today, do you think they won’t want to fight back?” Her eyes followed Gallus as he paced around the room slowly. “What you did today was appalling. Ponies were mutilated, some could have died!” He merely shrugged.

“I admit, those rubber bullets were somewhat untested. I think they ignored the instructions and used a normal sized powder load. Lessons learned- it is what it is, and the company that made them will be brought to justice.” Starlight snorted.

“Yeah, I’m sure they will.” She rolled her eyes.

“And besides- it was about time we took a page out of Leona’s book. They were all traitors that needed to be made an example of. But anyways, on to the point.” He said plainly, leaning into the desk. “Until this whole thing blows over, Twilight’s sending you to live with the changelings, alright? She has reason to believe that your life is in danger.” Her scowl somehow intensified.

“It’s not gonna blow over! It’s never gonna blow over!” She yelled, struggling against the leather straps. “Do you think Celestia will just sit back and let this happen to her ponies!?” Gallus chuckled.

“Celestia’s semi-retired, and her strength is waning. I’m not supposed to tell anyone this- but Luna’s preoccupied with taking care of her sister in her failing health.” She rolled her eyes.

“Oh, please. You expect me to believe that?” She said, in total denial. It was impossible- Celestia was immortal, everypony knew it. “But believe it or not, no one will listen to you anyway. The ponies out there were only a small minority. The rest of us still have sense.” He had an unbearably smug grin- and after a few moments, she realized something he had yet to mention.

“And what about Trixie!?” She yelled, fear creeping up her spine.

“She’ll be fine here. It’ll only be for a few years, tops.” He explained, and Starlight froze.

“No… no, you can’t-can’t do that, I-” She begged, but would receive no mercy. “If my life’s in danger, then so is hers!” Tears threatened to spill, and she was getting desperate.

“That’s not my problem. Take it up with Twilight.” He said, leaning back in his chair. Starlight was shaking her head, almost in denial of what she was hearing.

“You can’t split us apart! You can’t!” Tears rolled down her cheeks as she begged to not be separated from the love of her life. “You can’t, I won’t, I won’t allow it!” She tried to channel her magic, but it just fizzled from the ring.

Gallus, after spending so much time at the top with so much power… changed, over the years. It was gradual at first, but sped up after being humiliated by the griffons, multiple times. When he first started school, he was a bit of a bully, as a holdover from his time as a cynical petty thief. Perhaps this trait never left him, but was buried deep down?

“You should’ve thought about that before you betrayed my country with your poisonous ideas.” He said smugly, getting off his chair and leaning against the table.

Unfortunately since he was in the dungeon, he never noticed the private Griffonian zeppelin mooring in the Canterlot Castle Airdock.

The door slammed open, and a crowd of guards followed Twilight.

“Captain Gallus! What is the meaning of this disgrace!?” She yelled from behind him, causing him to jump so high he almost hit the ceiling. He turned around, and while he stuttered out an answer… the crowd of guards split.

Leona was walking intently towards Gallus, looking very pissed off.

“MEDIC!” He yelled pre-emptively, trying to back away.

---

“MEDIC!” That blue shitstain yelled as I stomped up to him and decked him in the ribs. He was knocked to the ground instantly, and I was very thankful that the Equestrians followed my lead and phased out metal armor.

“Not today!” I shouted, kicking him with my wooden leg for good measure. “You’re a fucking disgrace to our kind and a stain on our reputation!” Then I kicked him again, just because.

“IS ANYPONY GONNA EXPLAIN WHAT’S GOING ON!?” Starlight yelled, cheeks wet with tears.

“Yeah, I’m kinda waiting on that as well.” I deadpanned, gently rubbing my knuckle.

Basically what happened was brought down to sheer, dumb luck. Dee and I left in our airship around the same time that Twilight was trying to talk Glimmer out of her rally. It was obvious to Twi that Glimmer wouldn’t listen, so she planned to beg the changelings for forgiveness so they’d shelter and protect Starlight.

And it just so happened that it landed on the same day we arrived for that meeting. After working out an arms deal with the changelings, that’s when she showed. She explained her predicament- and I had an idea.

I argued that she wouldn’t be any safer in the changeling hive than in Equestria- possibly even less safe. The changelings had no training, and Thorax was too naive. But the gist of it is, that Twilight realized that I was right, and I agreed to shelter Starlight and Trixie. She may be a commie- but I saw her potential future use.

She just needed a little better… guidance, is all. You know, on how to properly keep and consolidate power. She’s already an influential figure in the Equestrian mind- all we’d need is to wait for the right time to strike.

But while this was happening, Gallus was tasked with breaking apart the assembly and arresting Glimmer. He intended it to be peaceful and organized, or so he claimed. But the problem was, they simply weren’t expecting the sheer amount of ponies that would show up. And when they all started taking their shoes off and banging them against the ground, it apparently made the guards nervous.

Allegedly, Gallus never gave the order to fire. Either way, it is what it is. Their guns, reminiscent of 1500s handgonnes with a flintlock system and a large trigger, fired rubber bullets upon the crowd, inflicting gunpowder burns and other injuries.

What they didn’t realize was that the rubber bullets were only patented. They were never manufactured or tested; the original document stated that you were supposed to fire the bullet into the ground, which would then ricochet at a lower velocity. Evidently, they missed that sidenote. Their handgonnes were woefully short ranged and totally outclassed by the revolver I carried in my holster. I’m willing to bet what happened was, someone managed to smuggle the patent details for “non-lethal” rubber bullets out of the country, which Equestria copied shamelessly and without testing.

It was pure fuckin’ mayhem when we showed up. But as soon as we moored and everyone saw The Sign, it was kinda funny. I looked out the window, and they were all frozen like ants down below, they didn't know what the fuck to do.

But my plan was simple- I was gonna… put some good ideas in her head, then smuggle her back in when the time was right. Only, there was just one problem.

“If you think I’m gonna break apart a loving couple for you, you’re fuckin’ mistaken.” I asserted to Twilight, who nodded rapidly. Starlight, who had been released from her chair after Gallus recovered, looked amazed.

“Y-you mean-” She stuttered.

“What? I’m not a fuckin animal.” I went up to her and looked her in the eyes. “You’ll be safe in Griffonia. But you won’t be a prisoner, either. You’ll have freedom, privacy, and your own room within my compound. You’ll have a detachment of enforcers specifically tasked with keeping you safe.” I held out my hand, and she took it with a smile.

“You’ll even be able to write to your family. And hey- you might finally be able to get some real writing done, eh?” She giggled, and the deal was made.

I won’t bore you with the specifics of our conversation, but once she realized she’d still have her wife, freedom, and even what amounted to a paid vacation, she said that as long as I promise to eventually get her back home, she’d go with me.

I fully intended on doing that- as much as I dislike communism, if executed right, I’d much rather have a stable, friendly, and pliable Equestria on my side. I’d had just about enough of The Crown and its meddling.

Before we left, Trixie and Glimmer said their goodbyes to Twilight. Though because of the days events- it could hardly be called a tearful departure. Glimmer had a private conversation with Twilight beforehand, but I wasn’t sure what about. All I knew was Starlight left that office looking like she’d been crying.

Later that evening, we took a quick detour towards Ponyville so the couple could pick up their stuff. There wasn't a dock, so I had to get someone to fly them down manually. Sadly, we didn’t have enough fuel to stop and visit their relatives, and I was on a bit of a tight timeframe as is. I did let them write and mail out some letters, to at least let them know they were alright.

I, myself, wasted no time getting my outfit off. The work for the day was done- it was time to relax. As an afterthought, I took my leg off, setting it next to the couch. Dee was in her spot, while Glimmer and Trixie sat on one nearby.

“You know what? The decorations in here remind me of a Las Pegasus cocktail lounge!” Trixie said with a giggle, and I gave her a smug grin. On the nearby side table was a cup-shaped phone receiver.

“Yo, Tonio! You hear me?” I spoke into the device, and he immediately responded.

“Loud and clear, Don Grimfeather.” I looked over to my guests, muttering a gimme a sec into the mic.

“You girls want anything? Got all kinds of booze and liquor here. And I got some hash, if that’s what you prefer.” I said, wiggling my eyebrows. Way I saw it- might as well make them comfortable.

“No thanks, we couldn't-” Glimmer started, but her wife was having none of it.

“We'll take the champagne, please!” Her wife glared at her, but Trix looked oblivious.

Can relate.

“And get me the usual, please.” I said to him, and he replied with a chipper sure thing, Don Grimfeather.

“Wait, should we be calling you Don?” Glimmer asked, sounding somewhat nervous. I just snorted.

“Nah, if I had a problem, I would’ve said something.” I pulled the lever on my chair and kicked back, my spine thanking me in the process. “Don’t ever get buried alive. My back hasn’t been quite right since.” There was an awkward silence afterwards- but I didn’t give a shit. It was time to chill.

Tonio brought our drinks, and I reached into my non-existent coat for a tip.

“Oh, shit, forgot I wasn’t wearing my coat!” I giggled. “In my room, my coat’s hanging up. Get yourself a hundo outta the pocket.”

“No, I-I couldn’t-” He tried to be humble, but I refused.

“That was an order, Tonio.” With a wide grin, he said thank you, Don Grimfeather.

Meanwhile, my guests seemed floored. Once he was gone, Trixie asked- “A hundred? Did you say a hundred?” I just shrugged with a grin.

“What? He did a great job keepin’ the ice cubes cold.” I shook my glass, the ice cubes clinking against the sides of the fine crystalware.

“Are you not… are you not worried he’ll-” Starlight said.

“Steal from me? Not really.” I said, with no further elaboration.

“But… what if he does?” Trixie asked cautiously. I rolled my eyes and explained casually-

“Then I’ll break his wings and throw him out the window. Look, let me be very clear with something.” I put my chair leg rest down so I can sit up and properly talk to them, and Dee did the same. “Wipe that look of fear off your face. Despite what the Equestrian media will tell you, I’m not a monster. We all sort of have a mutual understanding that if you steal from me, there’s gonna be a fuckin’ problem.”

Thankfully since my wife and I share a single brain cell, she elaborated further.

“And that doesn’t just go for small fry like Tonio. Doesn’t matter how big you are, if we find out that you’re fucking with us? We’ll huck you in a shallow grave. In your essay, you were talking about using peaceful diplomacy and government regulation to keep the corporations in line. That’s a pipe dream.” Dee said plainly, and I nodded in agreement.

“And on the other end of the spectrum, I have no issues helping those below me. If someone directly under me has a problem, they go to me. Besides- government is just a nicer way of saying protection racket. Might as well treat it like one. The only difference is, instead of sending in Sally Balls and Pete the Killer to shake down some deadbeat, I send in the fucking army. If they still refuse to cooperate, especially if they try fighting back, we’ll whack the fucker and seize all their assets. But generally, people are happy to stay in line, as long as the line is reasonable.” Glimmer genuinely seemed deep in thought by this.

“Here’s what you gotta remember.” I started, getting her attention. “Generally speaking, it is important to be both loved and feared. But depending on the context, it may be safer to be feared, such as with the diamond dogs. It is much harder to get over a fear than to get over a relationship. But the key is, never be hated.” My wife nodded in agreement, and said-

“I’m willing to bet that what happened in Canterlot today will severely destabilize Equestria. In fact-” She turned on the radio next to her side of the couch, tuning through the stations to find a news broadcast.

After sifting through static, we heard- “In light of the recent tragedy, one question still remains: what happened to Glimmer? And are the rumors that she was kidnapped by the griffons true? We asked Captain Gallus for further comment, who sustained fractures to his ribs in the initial scuffle.”

I burst out laughing. “HAH! Cocksucker won’t even admit I kicked his ass!” but I was shushed by my wife and Glimmer.

“In light of recent events, Starlight Glimmer was charged with treason, and her wife, Trixie Lulamoon, charged with collusion with a traitor. Their punishment was exile. That is all I'm at liberty to say.” If I had a drink in my mouth, I would’ve done a spit take.

“Please, stay tuned for live updates!” The reporter said as Trixie scrambled off the couch.

“TREASON!?” Trixie yelled into the radio like the reporter could hear her.

“Jesus fucking Christ, can they just do something right for once? They’re giving it to us!” I ranted with a chuckle.

“Why the fuck would they do that?” Dee muttered to herself, hoof to her chin.

“Gallus said something earlier about taking a page out of your book, Leona…” Glimmer muttered while rubbing her chin. I just snorted, saying-

“Then he’s using them as fuckin’ rolling papers, then. That’s the problem with Equestrian propaganda- it’s portrayed me as such a violent psycho to the point that they only know me for the wrong things I’ve done. What probably happened was their spies saw the success of my Syndicate and learned all the wrong lessons from my methods.” I took a sip of whiskey, and looked to Starlight to ask- “When did he become such a prick anyway?” instantly, Glimmer's sheepish demeanor vanished as she decided to answer.

“I’ll tell you exactly what happened.” She said, a certain spark in her eye. “Over the past half decade or so, petty crime has skyrocketed. Protection rackets, bootlegging, gambling houses, prostitution- Gallus has been cracking down on that stuff hard for the last few years, and it’s basically doing fuck all.” I gasped, as I realized exactly where she was going with this.

“But the tighter he squeezed, the more slipped through his fingers!” I was using my hands to mimic that gesture and continued, “That’s why the Elites were able to slowly erode your middle class, right? From the lack of oversight and focus?” She nodded rapidly, giggling- which I joined in on.

“Exactly! Gallus has become tyrannical in an attempt to fight all the petty crime left in the wake of the power vacuum you left behind-” I jokingly mimicked tugging my collar, even though I was effectively naked. “The Crown bit off more than it could chew by going after the crimes of the middle and lower classes, and being completely negligent to the scheming nobles!” She ranted, gesturing in a way reminiscent of how I do. It was my turn, though!

“And if anything, it only served to highlight an underlying weakness with the system, anyway. Simply put, Twilight doesn’t know what to look for. She’s not very good at doublespeak, her poker face is atrocious, and the only thing backing her up right now is her allying with the dragons, and that’s only because Celestia kicked their asses in that war forever ago.” I put a cigarette in my mouth and fumbled for my lighter on the desk. “So what I wanna know is, despite showing their ineptitude to rule multiple times, why is Celestia so adamant on staying retired?” I asked, lighting my cigarette and taking a drag.

That, honestly, is what this all came down to. If Celestia was immortal, why the fuck wouldn’t she just keep her ass on the throne?

“Oh, shit…” I heard Glimmer mutter. At this point in the conversation, my wife and Trixie excused themselves to listen to the radio for any updates in a different part of the deck, and we didn't even notice. But Glimmer had a look in her eye, perhaps fear? “Earlier today, Gallus said something to me. About Celestia’s health failing.” My eyes widened along with hers.

“Oh… Christ.” that, honest to fuck, had me a little concerned. I anxiously nibbled on my pointer finger in thought. “If Celestia bites dirt, things are gonna get really messy. It could give Luna an in to potentially take the throne as Queen of Equestria. Twilight would be so devastated that she’d be fuckin’ useless. The Dragons only follow Celestia because they haven’t realized that her strength was waning, and because the most ancient among them were witness to the devastation of the Dragon Wars- you know, they saw their forebears fuck around and find out and vowed to not make the same mistakes. All the meanwhile, the changelings worship some fucked up elder being that I know nothing about.” I’m gonna need to put a massive rush on the BFG Project.

However, at the mention of the changelings, Starlight gasped, that spark in her eye reappearing. “What d’ya wanna know about the changelings? I know quite a bit about them, Thorax is a good friend of mine.” I couldn’t help but smirk.

“You know, you were so reserved when you first got here. Glad to know you’re quick to open up.” I joked with a chuckle, and Glimmer blushed and giggled, rubbing the back of her head.

“Yeah, I… I’ve always been like that, actually. I just never was one for small-talk, you know?” I nodded with a smile.

“I hear ya, there. Everytime I come home, Mamma asks me, what’d you have good for lunch? And I’m like I dunno, some lunchmeat I guess?” We both shared a laugh, “Like, I’m a busy woman! Half the time I skip lunch, you think I’m sitting down and cataloging that shit?” Starlight snorted and rolled her eyes.

“Oh, yeah. My Father’s kinda like that, but… well, you wanted to know about the changelings?” She said with a smug grin. She recommended I get some paper to write the stuff down. Rather than quoting Glimmer verbatim, I’ll just summarize.

It reminds me of a Lovecraft quote- “We are all the miserable denizens of a wretched little flyspeck on the back door of a microscopic universe.”

Well, it rings the same here. During the ancient times of this planet, before the rise of true, sapient life, changelings ruled the planet and dominated the weaker species. Their form was quite different back then, much like how ponies of the time look nothing like their modern counterparts. Ponies back then, called Equus Antegenuno, were reminiscent of horses; Changelings, according to legend, looked far closer to their Father.

That’s why so many ancient equine civilizations depict changelings in their oldest texts and crumbling murals as, and I quote, “Hideous creatures of eyes, mouths, and teeth which stuck to no definite form or shape, as though they were intelligent jelly.” The only “similarities” they shared, was the lack of them- anatomically or in silhouette. But of course, most of this information is common knowledge among modern men of science… Except for the existence of Father.

Father is… well, to put it bluntly, not even the changelings know his origin. Their ancient scrawlings hint at grand battles of the gods, their offspring dashed into the stones, and the leaking blood seeped into the ground and turned into Father. Due to the nature of our more rigid vocal cords, it’s impossible for ponies, griffons, or any species besides changelings to say his name. A changeling only has to give themselves the proper vocal cords; but for the rest of us, the closest pronunciation and spelling, scholars listened to traditional breaks and syllables in the name, and translated as close as they could to our modern alphabet.

Shub-Niggurath.

I shit you not. God damnit. But the way the changelings pronounce it, according to Thorax, is filled with odd chirps, clicks, wet scratchings, buzzing, and cicada-esque hissing- as though a legion of insects were combining the small noises they could make to form a complete word.

But anyways- what happened to the changelings? Well, we’re not totally sure… but from ancient changeling legends, scholars of old could piece together what sparked the change. The agreed upon answer, however, is the rise of sapient life.

Long before the first bricks of Quaggalon were baked and the first zebra civilizations formed, before the Ponies were forced to flee to the north to avoid slavery, and before intelligence itself- changelings were a much simpler organism. They would come to you in the night, take your place, and drain the emotions from your friends. By the time they realized something was off, the changeling was gone, and your friends are left to wonder why you abandoned them.

According to some scholars, this is what pushed the evolution of sapient life- or, a piece to the puzzle, anyway. The intelligence of the zebras and ponies, collectively called Equines, grew exponentially- leading to the creation of the first languages. They could finally warn their friends of impending danger; one simply had to cry CHANGELING! to get the attention of your herd.

Then, the equines built houses to shelter them in the night. Basic structures- but four walls with only one entrance was a massive improvement to the shade of a tree in the night, or a tall grassy field. Equines, though especially earth ponies, soon discovered their affinity for farming; The more food they grew, the more ponies joined their herd.

Well, we know the story- more food, more people to buy the food, more people to help make the food, you gotta keep track of the sales, you need carpenters to build better houses, then they invent things, which make things better! Then you need more people, and more farmers, and more houses, more specialized trades, now there’s money, building, writing, laws, power…

SOCIETYYYY!

Uh, ahem. But the most important invention when it came to the dethroning of the changeling, was writing. Your herd finally had a way to make their children, and their children's children, aware of the dangers these creatures possessed, and how to avoid them. Now, if this was a normal planet, these creatures would have gone extinct and remained a strange mystery for the posterity and puzzlement of future generations.

But something… happened to the changelings, around this time. They always used the system of returning corpses to Father, which gets distilled into honey. The body-chucking thing is a myth, as the most intimate details of their history are known only by those at the top.

But generally speaking, the leading theory is that as changelings consumed the more complex emotions of the equines, they started to experience true feelings and emotions for the first time. It was subtle at first, but as more and more memories of friends sharing unbreakable bonds with each other, and the subsequent heartbreak that comes with a changeling attack, they started to experience something like genuine guilt.

Then, they somehow realized- just because they had no definite form, doesn’t mean they had to stay that way. And so, modeling themselves after the new dominant species, they became what was called Equus Mimikos. Their many eyes formed into insect-like compound eyes. They closed all their extra mouths and consolidated their sharp teeth into a single orifice. Their outer jelly hardened into a somewhat porous carapace which defended them and allowed them to breathe; but the process was imperfect, and creating limbs and horns resulted in the jelly drying strangely, causing holes to appear on their legs, and gossamer-like fins.

In the case of Queen Chrysalis, her advanced age brought on by cursed magics caused her carapace to stretch quite thin. Near the end, she was a sad, gangly creature full of holes; her barrel had split, revealing the blue-green membrane which separates the carapace from the guts. Her “hair” was actually a strange vine which budded on her carapace, and she purposefully styled it to appear like a mane. Her horn was so gnarled and full of holes, it appeared as though a strong wind could make it snap off.

But despite these changes to appeal to their neighbors, they were still shunned, leading many to keep their new forms but adopt older ways of disguise. But using their newfound intelligence, they adapted.

But the problem was, as civilization spread, ponies never stopped evolving. By now, they’d completely separated from their Zebra brethren in the south, led by… Well, you all know how Equestria was founded. But it wasn’t Windigoes that caused the move, according to Glimmer. Actually, it was the result of centuries of enslavement by the Zebras. At the time, they actually had all the pony races tricked into hating each other, and-

“God damnit, you got sidetracked and I followed you right in!” I interrupted with a laugh. She had a nervous look at first, but her eyes lit up when I told her to keep going.

But anyways, the three tribes united, moved north and yada yada. Discord came to power and created a bunch of other chimeras for the funny, and Celestia and Luna rose to their initial power and clapped Discords cheeks using the Macguffin of Harmony. But anyways- back to the original point Glimmer was trying to make for this side tangent. The reason Celestia came up with the Windigo thing was because she wanted to open up trade with the zebras. At this point, it’d been thousands of years since they were enslaved, and the ponies still held a grudge every year during a national holiday.

Then Celestia was like, no no no, this is what really happened! Trust me, I was there! Or something. So this is why in Equestria, from the months of November to February, Equestrian stores like Barnyard Bargains are filled with the sounds of all kinds of annoying-as-fuck holiday songs about bells, snow, friendship, and someone’s mother singing about how horny she is for Santa Claus.

Okay, that last one was from Earth- but that song’s fucking annoying and you cannot prove me wrong. But I digress.

Anyways, as Celestia gained power, she and Luna defeated the dragons in a victory so decisive, the remaining dragons, such as Ex-Dragonlord Torch, swore they would forever be neutral and amicable to the rest of the world. After that, she could finally deal with the changeling problem once and for all…

“And… then what?” I asked after a few moments of silence. She gave me a smirk.

“That’s where the truth of the official story ends. What remains to be told was primarily pieced together by lone scholars acting independently against the permission of the princess. But thankfully, I’m close friends with Twilight and Thorax- which is about as close as I can get to a primary source.”

Basically, the rumor goes that before sending an army to wipe out the changeling hive once and for all, Celestia decided to do some research into this species… and came to the conclusion that whatever was below them needed to be protected from public knowledge at all costs.

“I… don’t know for sure what Celestia found out. No-one does except for her. One time, I asked Luna… who threatened to have me charged with treason if I pushed the matter. Well, that ship has sailed already.” She joked, and we both shared a laugh. “But get this!” She was leaning forward in her seat, clearly excited to share this knowledge; I did much the same, excited to hear her thoughts.

“After the Mass Kidnapping Incident which ousted Chrysalis as the Queen, I asked Celestia if she always knew the hive was there in the Badlands…” She giggled, rubbing her hooves together. “All she said was yes… she didn’t elaborate, but I didn’t need her to.”

So what really happened was Celestia fulfilled her role as the unwitting protagonist of a Lovecraft story, piecing together forbidden information and coming to a horrifying conclusion… This is based on sheer speculation on Glimmer’s part, she admitted, but I had a feeling in my gut that she was right.

Then, according to Glimmer, Celestia had the Mananite throne constructed in secret. It was an exceedingly difficult mineral, and probably had to be forged in Tartarus itself. We know this, as scientists have discovered small pockets of what is presumed to be the same mineral in Tartarus.

The reason it’s so difficult to work with is because it absorbs most magic. So while Celestia told the general public that the changeling issue had been dealt with, she gifted them the Mananite Throne as a gesture of goodwill to make their home basically untouchable by Equine species. Simply put, they have come to rely on magic to such a degree that no one remembers when the Celestial bodies moved on their own will, and to deprive them of this magic would have deleterious effects.

Ah, just as a note- the only reason anyone has to kickstart the sun and moon every day is because when Discord started dicking with the day/night cycle, it fucked everything up. The more you know!

So basically, changelings were still an issue… but Celestia was smart enough to form a secret agency dedicated to keeping the knowledge of changelings in their society to an almost minimum. But if you took the time to (illegally) look through some of the oldest records kept in Canterlot, and even some which were mistakenly left at Old Canterlot… the missing ponies reports can be quite telling.

“Out of curiosity…” I interrupted, something on my mind. “These reports…” I gave her a smug grin and held my arms out- come on, tell me! It meant. But for some reason, she just gave my arms an odd look. With that same odd, almost blank look, she asked-

“I… I don’t understand, what about the reports?” she asked, apparently oblivious to my meaning.

“Did you… read them?” I asked simply, and she seemingly understood.

“I… can’t say.” She said with a smug grin. I had one more thing I wanted to test, though.

“Did Twilight read any of these records?” I asked simply, and she cocked an eyebrow.

“Okay, why do you ask? Despite our… disagreement, she’s still a friend.” her smile fell and she was getting understandably suspicious. But I gave her a wide grin, because she passed the test.

“Congratulations, you know the two most important rules in life.” Before she could give me that look again, I elaborated- “Never rat on your friends, and always keep your mouth shut. Got it?” I asked, and she finally smiled, nodding plainly in understanding with a giggle.

But for the Changelings, since acquiring emotional sustenance was getting more and more difficult as ponies caught on to early warning signs, they had to rely on drones for basic maintenance and upkeep more and more, mainly to save what little honey they were able to produce.

Drones are created when changeling grubs are allowed to age without being weaned on their special honey. With magical guidance from Intelligencia changelings, these drones did a lot of the moss-harvesting and basic upkeep of the hive, resulting in an ugly, craggy stain on the land. Meanwhile, the Mananite had turned part of the Great Southern Jungle into a dead, dusty crater, now called the Badlands.

But by the power of friendship, yadda yadda, gay insects! The mananite throne is gone, and the Changelings are finally able to embrace the higher cultures that formed around them. But… that still leaves Father.

So, let me highlight the state of this world. Equestria’s on the brink of a civil war, and their leaders aren’t the all-powerful demigods they once were, weakening with the sands of time. They’re in no place to protect the basically defenseless changelings, who are already in no place to fight!

Actually… I wonder if the changelings would allow me to build a military base within their territory? That’d be perfect, because it’d kill two birds with one stone- the changelings would be protected by my forces, and I’d finally have a military presence on the Equestrian continent I could use for dickwaving purposes.

Griffon warplanes flying in circles over Equestrian cities would be… such a beautiful sight. But first, there was something I had to take care of; the dragons need a reminder of precisely why they’re not the dominant species of this planet. But until then?

Glimmer and I, surprisingly, hit it off real fast. We just spent the rest of the evening discussing political theory and I hinted at some of my future plans. But eventually, there was something I had to ask.

“So… that town of yours.” Immediately she looked away, and I added- “You don’t have to if you don’t want to… I’m just curious about how it started, is all.” She nervously twiddled her hooves, and let out a sigh.

“It’s… not a time in my life I’m most proud of, but…” She said, trailing off. It’s like she wanted to tell her story, but was so ashamed the words could barely leave her mouth.

“You think I’m proud of all the things I’ve done?” Something I’ve come to realize- while I don’t regret my actions, I had to admit- I felt deeply ashamed, to be frank. “But it’s like I say- it is what it is.” She took a sip of wine, and after a few moments was able to gather her thoughts.

“It was… a naive experiment of mine, I guess. Basically, the goal was to create a society that was totally equal, after… no, not getting sidetracked.” Though she wasn’t making much eye contact before, I could tell she was actively avoiding it. “But anyways. I took their cutie marks away and stored them in a vault. Had them tricked I was some grand leader who could solve all of society’s ills by essentially making it so everyone in the village sucked equally. State-mandated handicapping, is the term I made up for it.” My smile grew as she continued.

“But eventually, Twilight and her friends convinced my- er, convinced the ponies of Our Town that Equalism was not the way. Eventually, they showed me how wrong I was and I’ve been friends with Twilight since.” She said, almost hurriedly. But singular my that she said, only to correct herself…

“So you’re telling me you had an entire town convinced they should worship you because they liked your ideas?” She blinked and nodded, seemingly confused. “And you don’t miss that life at all?”

She hesitated, and no matter what she said next I knew her answer. “N-no, not at all…” Once again, avoiding eye contact… but finally, she looked me in the eyes and asserted, “What I did was wrong, plain and simple. Basically, once I had the initial inner circle set up, we just had to… convince ponies to join. Obviously, ponies will refuse to give up their cutie marks… but if it’s already been taken away, they tend to settle into their roles quickly when they realize that there’s no escape.”

So, she ruled with fear, not love. But me? I couldn’t wipe the shit-eating grin off my face.

“Tell me… if Twilight didn’t intervene, how long could you have kept the show going?” I asked her- she immediately opened her mouth to answer… but closed it. “Because for the last almost ten fuckin years, Twilight’s been trying to do the same goddamn thing to me!” I took a sip of my whiskey to calm my nerves. “But you wanna know why I still have my Syndicate?”

At this point, Glimmer was deep in thought, hoof to her chin. I decided to make it a bit easier for her.

“Tell ya what. While you’re in Griffonia- I want you to watch and learn. I wanna show you how a proper country functions. And who knows? Maybe you can adapt my methods into your own ideology; what d’ya say?” I asked, holding out a hand. She looked at it cautiously, and I decided to help her make a decision. “Imagine, you and your wife flying your banner over Equestria, being hailed as saviors!”

I could see the stars in her eyes, and I smiled.

“I-I’ll think about it.” She said with a sheepish grin. Though she didn’t shake my hand- something told me I had a bite on the hook. But a glance out the window told me it was about nightfall and we would soon be reaching the ocean; shit, were we really talking all afternoon?

---

Hours before, Dee and Trixie saw the writing on the wall and realized that their wives were no longer paying attention to the radio, and decided to go to another room to keep up to date on world events.

To say the following events were a shitshow would be an understatement. Riots started springing up all over the nation in response to the event. Twilight was on the radio, desperately trying to calm things down, to no avail.

She was trying to explain that the ponies of interest were not exiled, but rather, are being held for protection. Maybe the people heard the message, maybe not- But all the meanwhile, in a desperate bid to get everything to calm down, Gallus instructed the Equestrian Guard to, and I quote, quell the illegal, un-Equestrian rioters.

“See, that’s the problem.” Dee said in response, “If they were gonna adapt to the changing industrial world, they had to do it much earlier.” Trixie nodded rapidly in response.

“Exactly! The lack of oversight from the Equestrian Crown over the capitalist sphere caused the utter destruction of our middle class, forcing more and more ponies to live like serfs!” The few unions that did exist, such as the dockworkers, really only existed because they were functionally branches of the Griffonian union. Something about a trade deal, probably. “Consumer Serfdom is what my dear Glimmy called it. And I can’t remember if I said this or not, but my wife really admires your socialist policies.” She said with a giggle, causing Dee to glance from side to side nervously.

“Don’t call her a socialist. Seriously.” She warned in a deadly serious voice, which took Trixie aback. “For… personal reasons, she doesn’t like socialism. And yes, I tried to explain to her how many of her policies are, by definition, socialist… but she won’t listen.” Trixie blinked in confusion… then a sly grin rose.

“Out of curiosity, and feel free to not answer…” She leaned into Dee and asked, “Your wife, Leona. Is she on… the spectrum? I only ask because Starlight is, and I noticed some…” she was abruptly interrupted.

“Do not call her an autist, either. Definitely don’t do that. While I think she is, and that one private psychiatrist thought she is…” God rest his soul. “She refuses to acknowledge the evidence.” She said with a simple shrug. “I find it cute to tease her about it, but that’s because I know she’d never do anything to me.” she giggled, and Trixie decided to avoid thinking about the implications.

But anyways- they soon got bored of the radio, as nothing really new came along. So, Dee had… an idea.

“Wanna get stoned?” She asked casually. Trixie smiled.

“Yes, please. Trixie would- er, uh…” She blushed deeply. “S-sorry. I used to refer to myself in third-pony when I was into showbiz. I still slip up sometimes.”

Dee just shrugged- the way she saw it, it wasn’t her business.

On an unrelated note- one of the major advantages a zeppelin offers over a commercial airplane is the fact that you can open the window. Just thought I’d point that out.

---

As it turns out, because of the weather, we were making excellent time. The wind couldn’t be more perfect, and we were expected to hit Featherworth sometime around midday tomorrow.

Despite the fact that we made fast friends, there were certain design flaws of this airship that became apparent when we attempted to sleep last night.

The walls are woefully thin- and what I first thought was engine troubles, turned out to be Glimmer snoring. Fucks sakes.

But despite that, the rest of the trip went just as smoothly. I had one of my radio operators send out the signal to get my car ready- I decided to drive the Nightgaunt home today, as the four seats would be necessary.

“You two are gonna love it here. I’m gonna show you what a nation that cares about its people can pull off.” I said to them as we got off the zeppelin. The midday sun glared down, reflecting off my car's black paint and gold trim.

She is, in the current era, top of the line. White-wall tires, the front ones protected by massive fenders which swept back along the side of the car; they served multiple functions, as each front fender held a spare tire, and the middle was reinforced along the bottom to provide a step. The powerful straight-8 engine, and the bay which held it in place took up about half the length of the car. As a result, there was very little trunk space in order to save on weight- in fact, it is a literal trunk bolted to the back, and can be locked with a key. You could hardly fit anything in it anyway, because of the police radio I had installed.

It had shatterproof windows and the flat, carriage-esque roof could be folded back. She also had roll-up windows, a heater, steel body (rather than the more common wood bodies), radio, independent front suspension, and the mirrors could be adjusted from within manually. The three-point seatbelt was also recently introduced, but as of a couple months ago, they would become a standard in all cars, per the law.

Inside the car itself was laid out a little different than what a human would be used to. Rather than being close to the floor, the pedals are actually situated raised up near the edge of the driver's seat so our legs can reach.

The black paint lined with shiny gold trim along all the edges and the fenders never failed to put a smile on my face. A custom insignia, Nightgaunt, was proudly displayed on a silver badge attached to the corner of the front hood.

“Either of you ever been in a car before?” I asked my guests as I opened the door to the back seat, showing them how to use a seatbelt.

“We’ve been in plenty of trains- never been in an automobile, though!” Glimmer responded excitedly, her giddiness quite apparent.

In response, my wife muttered “sorry your first time had to be with Leona behind the wheel.”

“What was that?” Trixie asked innocently from her seat, and I closed the door. I got in my seat, put on the belt and cranked down the window. The seat was exactly how I left it and I threw my revolver in the glovebox.

“Wait, you’re driving yourself?” Glimmer asked in disbelief. I just chuckled.

“What? Driving’s fun.” I said, reaching into the glovebox and putting on my sunglasses. The keys were already in the ignition, and I set the car to start. The battery started humming and I pressed the fire button- and with a few whirrs and rumbling stuttering, the deep roar of the straight-8 shook the car. A small sliding knob was used to adjust the spark timing until the sputtering stopped. Even with the muffler, the engine roared angrily and trembled with power.

With the flick of a switch, I turned the radio on. It was playing a soft, almost jazzy piece- one which reminded me of something you’d hear in a coffee shop, early in the morning.

“Wrong energy!” I yelled with a mad grin, wasting no time fiddling with the dial. Through the static, a voice could be heard mid-sentence.

…Featherworth! This is Three-Dog, bringin’ y’all the sweet swingin’ sounds of the Syndicate! The smile threatened to once again, break my beak. But hey- don’t you worry one bit. Here in the next hour, I’ll be back to tell all you beautiful folks what’s been happenin’ in the world! But until then? Kick your boots off, relax, and keep those union-mandated smoke breaks comin’!

A bouncy, energetic, trumpet-heavy swing band played on the radio- but despite the low quality audio, it was perfect.

“Ready?” I asked my guests, revving the engine slightly. They exchanged nervous glances with each other. Glimmer spoke up.

“A-actually, uh-” I ignored Glimmer and slammed the gas. The tires squealed briefly and we were off.

I had one hand on the wheel, and the other was resting on the gearstick. My private airport was a decent way from the city itself, and I skidded out of the landing field onto the main road.

Building a proper road network was honestly a bigger challenge than developing the technology itself. Pretty much all the major cities had to have their remaining dirt roads paved with brick until we figured out proper asphalt. I don’t know all the details- but pretty much all the biggest cities have paved roads now.

Most of the work was done through the Transportation Enforcement Agency, which set up roads and traffic networks using my guidelines. Cars only exploded in popularity in the last two years, and so much time and consideration was put into road networks. While construction is far from complete, I hope to eventually have a robust highway system to aid in national defense. Not only that, but we were gonna be rolling out the first trolley cars and buses, to reduce the overall need for vehicles in local areas.

They also handle licensing and testing for new drivers, as well as… okay, it’s a long fucking story. All this to say, our traffic laws are basically the same as how it worked in America. Though, I did change stop light laws. If it’s you’re at a red light, and there’s no-one coming either direction, just treat it like a stop sign.

And there are exceptions- some stops might say Do Not Go on Red!

All this to say that I follow literally none of these fuckin’ rules. I was driving down the highway going 65, the empty road in front of me a beautiful sight. The speed limit sign on the side of the road didn’t display a number; in easy to read text, the speed limit was set to reasonable and prudent. Say what you will about Montana- out of all the US states, they’re the only ones who did speed limits right.

What kind of dystopia has a speed limit of 55 on a highway? Looking at you, Pennsylvania.

My guests eventually came around, and were even enjoying themselves in the back seat. We just made idle talk as I drove- or, Trixie and my wife did.

“Hey, Leona?” Glimmer asked me as I took the exit ramp to enter Featherworth. “I wanted to ask- why did you legalize heavy drugs? It just seems an odd thing to do, you know?” I groaned and rolled my eyes.

“Another Equestrian misconception. I didn’t legalize drugs, I decriminalized them. And the reason for that is so that if someone genuinely wants to quit, they can seek medical help and not get thrown in jail for a hundred fuckin’ years.” I could see her thinking in my rear-view mirror. “I know firsthand that addiction can be a bitch. But I bet the Equestrian media never bothered to mention the fact that the manufacture and sale of certain drugs, is very fuckin illegal.” I turned down the radio a bit to make it easier for me to explain.

“Basically, if an addict goes to one of the many newly-opened rehab clinics, we ask them who their dealer is. Most folks that genuinely want to quit will sing like canaries, and we go and find out if their dealer was making or just selling. If we suspect them of being a middleman, and they refuse to answer… well, anyways…” I rolled my eyes and chuckled with a smug grin. “And while incarcerations for drug use skyrocketed in Equestria and Gallus pissed away more and more money trying to brute-force the problem away, addiction rates among griffons are at an all time low.” I was genuinely proud of that fact, and it showed on my face.

“And since we encourage the addicts to rat, more and more dealers are finding other career paths with longer life-spans. They can’t even get revenge- those rehab clinics do not fuck around when it comes to protecting the patients, which is by design.” I put a cigarette in my mouth and lit it. “Cigarettes, weed, coffee, and booze. Those are the only drugs you need.”

I don’t know why, but a lot of the bosses and dealers thought I’d nationalize drug dealing and manufacturing. They thought wrong. Besides, the last thing I want is a band of funky colorful twinks with magical powers and funny haircuts going after me because some degenerate dealers thought they could sell to kids behind my back.

But anyways, Glimmer was happy with that answer, and I turned the music up. We arrived at our first destination and I parked the Nightgaunt by the curb of a small diner on the edge of town.

“Gotta borrow their phone, to let Mamma know we’re on our way. Be back in a minute.” I leaned over to give my wife a quick peck on the cheek, when I noticed something out of the corner of my eye.

“Wait, Leona…” Dee was the first to speak up. “Isn’t that Maria’s car? Where’s her guards?” She asked, and the car I parked behind definitely belonged to my wife’s personal assistant.

We both exchanged a look and nodded, and I turned to my guests to warn them.

“Whatever happens, keep your eyes forward and stay put.” I commanded, and they nodded rapidly. I grabbed the revolver out of the glovebox and threw it in the holster in case things got messy. I really hoped it was a case of incompetent guards on my hands, I really did; but something told me that Maria wasn’t just here for coffee.

Fucks sakes.

“After we get this taken care of, we’ll go home and bring out that photo album!” My wife said to our guests, exchanging a giggle. It was a plan her and Trixie made last night over a couple hash joints. I was actually looking forward to it as well, but most importantly, I wanted to see my baby after a week of traveling.

---

From their seats, Glimmer and Trixie watched as the couple entered the diner, and Dee turned to lock the door behind her. They could tell they were talking- but no words could be made out.

Dee handed the waitress a wad of bills, who then disappeared into the kitchen, presumably leaving the building. While that was happening, Leona casually approached the only group of people in the building- a gruff looking one sitting across from one which shook and trembled.

“Wait, is she-” Trixie started.

Bang!

The two looked on in horror as Leona drew a revolver and shot the guy in the back of the head, right behind the ear. He fell face down into the table.

Bang!

Leona knew better than to not double-tap. She casually scooted the dead man over in the booth, sitting across from the woman with her gun trained at her head. While this happened, Dee went to a telephone of wood and brass, calling someone.

When an unmarked black car pulled up, two griffons in suits casually got out and knocked on the door to the restaurant, evidently able to take care of the situation going forward.

“I can’t believe this, I can’t fuckin believe this!” They heard Leona’s ranting sound more and more clearly as she approached her car. She casually hopped in and set her revolver into the glove box like she didn’t just murder someone. “I ain’t dealin’ with this shit today. She ain’t goin’ nowhere.” She said to her wife with a chuckle as she took her seat.

---

I started the car and we were off- but I admit, I smiled as I watched Maria struggle in the rear-view mirror and get thrown into the Enforcer’s car.

“Fuckin’ rat.” I mused out loud. I briefly eyed my guests. Like, the fuck did I ever do to her? Er, aside from the thing with her father, but she doesn’t know about that… “Sorry you had to see that.” I said to them, and got no response.

My wife got Trixie to open back up through smalltalk as we drove, but Glimmer and I stayed quiet, with her probably lost in thought. Soon, I breathed a sigh of relief as I finally pulled into the driveway.

I barely even set a foot out of the car when I was attacked.

“MAMMA!” my daughter yelled, almost making me fall back into the car as she tackle-hugged me.

“Awwww!” My guests quickly forgot the show from earlier because my baby’s just that adorable.

“You been good for Gramma?” I asked, and she nodded rapidly.

“Yeah! She said you were on your way, and I’ve been waiting ever since!” I pulled my daughter in for a hug, nuzzling her adorable little forehead. I then turned around with a proud smile to regard my guests.

“If you couldn’t tell, this little gremlin here is my daughter, Anastasia.”

I love her so much. If anything ever happened to her, I’d kill everyone in the room and then myself... and more than whoever else was in the room.

Until then? I had a trip down memory lane scheduled. Fuck ‘em- the Maria thing can wait. I had new buddies to keep entertained. Family comes first, anyway.

Welcome To The Family

View Online

I promised my guests they’d live the good life here, and I wasn’t lying. When I had this house built, I also had a bunch of guest rooms made in case I wanted to invite my buddies over for parties; they could just stay the night if they get too fucked up. It’s definitely easier than having to dig out the air mattress when you’re way too fucked up, too.

But anyways- each guest bedroom was basically like a fancy hotel room, with a four poster bed, private bath and shower, a regularly stocked minifridge and minibar, and a large writing desk with a hutch and drawers. But it also had some more modern features- such as a telephone, connection to the house’s PA system, and even soundproofed walls.

The PA system was really snazzy; the house is so big, if I’m looking for someone here it’s easier to get on the PA system and ask where they’re at. It’s also very useful if you run out of toilet paper.

The rooms can also be locked from the outside to keep someone in, as is the case for Maria, until I can deal with her. But, I’m not thinking about that. Fuck ‘em, she can wait.

But anyways, way I see it, why restrict the freedoms of my new friends? I’ll have some guys tasked with ensuring their safety and if they want, I’ll let them take a course on firearms themselves. But other than that? They’ve been great to have around!

We all ate dinner together that night. Once again, Glimmer tried to shy away, but Mamma wasn’t taking no for an answer. She was trying a new recipe tonight, and she wanted everyone’s input. It was a four-cheese ravioli stuffed with ricotta, fontina, mozzarella, and parmesan and smothered in tomato sauce.

I’ll save you all the prose I told Mamma at the dinner table and say it was fuckin delicious. And it was funny too, because Glimmer was surprised I didn’t have a private chef. I asked her, finally- “Why do I keep surprising you?”

Well simply put, she expected me to be like the rest of the rich assholes of the world- the “Elites” she’s so obsessed about, the kind of people who get through life without ever lifting a finger. Don’t get me wrong, I live a luxurious life- but I think I’ve fuckin’ earned it, all things considered.

But anyways- after dinner, we were all just chilling in the living room while Anastasia played with her toy cars on the ground. That’s when Dee decided to break out the photo album, and we were all crowding around the couch.

“Look! It’s the anti-drug PSA!” I pointed to the very first photo we took of Annie and I just minutes after her birth, never failing to get a kick out of it. Then I told them the story of the guard Mamma conscripted for sauce duty.

“So get this- the guy took off his uniform because it was gettin’ stuffy in the kitchen! He about had a heart attack when he heard the door open!'' We all shared a round of laughter over the good memories.

“Ohhh, check this one out!” I was pointing to a photo of Annie taken about a month after she was born.

---

“Annie? Anastasia!” I remembered yelling, utter panic in my voice as I witnessed the carnage which unfolded within my daughter’s bedroom.

“WHAT!? WHat… happened…” Dee yelled, hooves skidding across the ground as she turned the corner into our baby’s nursery.

“Bah!” Annie yelled with a grin, sitting on the floor covered head to fucking toe in baby powder; we still have no fuckin clue how she got it. There was an Anastasia-shaped silhouette on the ground where I lifted her up to take her to the bath. Then… she lifted her little arm up and pointed over my shoulder.

“Huh-” I turned around just in time to see my wife with a wicked grin holding the near-empty bottle of baby powder.

Puff!

Anastasia was giggling at me and my wife was in tears laughing at my expense. At first I was angry… but I joined their laughter quickly when I realized the absurdity of the situation.

---

My daughter, currently five years old, was laughing as I recalled the story; along with everyone else.

“Yeah, I’m talking about you, you little gremlin!” I quipped to her with a laugh. “Hey, did I ever tell ya’s her first word?” I said, and my wife started rubbing the bridge of her nose. In the picture I pointed to, Annie was only a year old.

---

“Mahbwah!” Annie babbled away incoherently on the couch, where I was sitting on the floor to make myself eye level.

“Say Mamma… Ma-ma!” I tried to instruct her.

“Mhm… mmf…” My eyes widened and my breath hitched in my throat. “Mmmhmmff…” she vocalized, and tears threatened to spill from my eyes.

“Mamma… Mamma…” I repeated, my beak trembling in anticipation. I took her little hands in mine, and she matched my smile.

“Mhhmmm… Mah…” COME ON! YOU GOT THIS!

“Mahthafack!”

I facepalmed way harder than I meant to. Fucks sakes.

---

“Gee, wonder where she learned it from?” Mamma said sarcastically, and I shrugged.

“Fuck if I know where she learned to swear from!” Despite the fact that I am 32 years old and the leader of my own independent nation… Mamma slapped me in the back of my head with a wing from where she was sitting on Her Chair.

Yes, I did capitalize Her Chair. No one but Mamma sits on Her Chair. But anyways-

“Knock it off.” She said sternly, pointing a finger my way.

“Alright, alright.” I said, surrendering to my mother. But then, it was my wife's turn to get distracted by a photo.

“Ohh! Annie, look at this one!” She yelled. The photo was of Annie playing with Roscoe’s daughter, Daisy, in the sandbox. They were about three at the time.

---

It was a sunny afternoon, and I was just relaxing on a lawn chair having a cigarette and a whiskey, making sure Annie and Daisy were safe. I was babysitting because I needed Ross for something on a little short notice.

I saw him pull up a chair and sit down out of the corner of my eye.

“Got that thing taken care of.” I nodded in satisfaction, pulling a thick envelope out of my coat and handing it to him.

“Appreciate it. I hate to drag you into something so short notice, but my hands were tied.” I gestured towards the sandbox, and he simply shrugged.

“Eh, it needed done. I’m fine with it. And ‘sides- my little girl wanted a playdate with her cousin, so she’s gittin’ a playdate!” We shared a laugh as we watched our daughters chase each other in circles around my backyard.

---

“Wait, cousin?” Trixie interrupted, understandably. “I didn’t realize you had a brother!” Mamma and I shared a good laugh at that one.

“Nono, Ross isn’t my brother, but he’s basically an uncle figure to Anastasia- one of many.” I explained and Mamma nodded, continuing after me.

“Yeah, that’s about how it works around here! Your parents' best friends become aunts and uncles. Don’t ask me, I don’t write the rules.” She said with a shrug.

I turned to my guests and said “I’ll introduce you to all my pals eventually, though. They’re a bunch of good fellas, trust me!” And before I could further elaborate, I saw something that made me giggle like a knucklehead.

“Here’s her first time in a car, about two years back!”

---

It was a much older model- it looked reminiscent of a pimped-out Model-T… or, as pimped out as you can make such an early car. It had my color scheme, at least.

I remember- I was driving and Dee was holding Annie in the passenger's seat. You wouldn’t think it- but honest to fuck, this thing was built like a tank… A nimble, fast, lightly armored tank that wasn’t actually a tank.

“MOW HIWW’S, MAMMA!” Or, more hills. Because of the large spoke wheels, the thing drove well even on carriage-tracked dirt roads. Not as fast as the Nightgaunt, but it beats walking.

“H-HOW ABOUT L-LESS HILLS!” My wife suggested, holding on for dear life to the “Oh Shit” bar above her seat, other holding Annie as close as possible. I knew Annie would be fine- Dee had a belt on and Annie was in a carrier, held close to her chest.

“SORRY, CAN’T HEAR YOU!” I yelled as I accelerated full-speed towards a small bump in the dirt track and ramped right off it; We got a few inches of airtime, and my baby and I were laughing like maniacs!

THUNK! CLUNK!

The car landed on the front left axle and literally snapped it off.

“Woah shit!” I yelled, putting a protective arm in front of my passengers and slamming the brakes. Despite them jerking forward a little, they were fine. You wanna know how I knew?

“FASTA MAMMA! Why we stop?” Anastasia asked, looking adorably confused as she absentmindedly nibbled her finger.

“Leona.” I knew my wife was upset by the dark tone in her voice; the look in her eyes told me that I would probably be sleeping on the couch that night.

While Anastasia was still in my wife's lap, I held up a fist.

“Bumpa!” She yelled, taking her tiny fist and bumping mine.

“Worth it.” I said, my wifes glare intensifying.

Yep. Definitely sleeping on the couch.

---

“Literally destroyed the thing, first day I had it!” I said, laughing heartily with my guests. “Just jumpin’ up and down all those hills all afternoon just completely fucked it up!” Byrd- the guy who manufactures this model of car, and shares the namesake with the company- was quite upset that I destroyed it.

My wife, meanwhile, rolled her eyes.

“Ugh. Thank goodness we had all those roads paved- I don’t ever wanna drive on a dirt road with you ever again!” She said, playfully punching my shoulder.

“Do ya see how she treats me? It’s abuse!” I said in a joking tone, and received a shoulder punch and a wing slap. I giggled and rolled my eyes. “Alright, alright. I’m sorry.” I smiled, giving my wife a quick peck on the cheek- which my guests mimicked with each other.

“Ohhh, stop iiiit!” Glimmer said to her wife, blushing and giggling.

“Hah! Gay.” I pointed and laughed before turning to kiss my wife again. Trixie and Glimmer both looked at me with a I’m sorry, what? Type of look.

Thwap!

Mamma didn’t even look up from the cheap pulp magazine she was trying to read, simply opting to hit me with a wing and point at Anastasia; of whom was currently running in a circle chasing her tail, mimicking our cat, Corleone. It wouldn’t be a lie to say she has orange cat energy- I’m sure if I had a laser pointer, I could keep her entertained all day.

But enough about Anastasia. Though I suppose the laser pointer would keep the cat entertained, too.

I turned the page, and the picture I saw made my breath hitch in my throat.

“What is it?” Mamma asked- and I just turned the album over to her, feeling choked up. She had much the same reaction- after all, it was Mamma’s first time home in a long time- taken about a couple months ago, in fact.

---

I remember, for the longest time she was actively avoiding our destination down the road, mainly because she didn’t wanna see the hideous state it was in.

She was riding as the passenger in the Nightgaunt- and about a few blocks from our destination, I made her put on a blindfold. It took some convincing, though.

“It’s a surprise, Ma. For your birthday- please?” I asked her, and she crossed her arms, huffing.

“With you in the driver's seat? Not a chance!” She said, sweeping her arm in a wide gesture that meant fuck no. My wife made her argument-

“I’m not much better in the driver's seat, either!” Anastasia was in the baby carrier attached to her chest- and because of the commotion, she yawned and awoke from her nap.

How she could fall asleep in the Nightgaunt, I have no idea.

“She’s right you know- she’s a terrible driver. Just put it on- it’s only for a few blocks!” I tried to convince her, but she’s more stubborn than I am. I had to restrain myself from groaning in annoyance- but I had an ace up my sleeve. I always have an ace up my sleeve.

“Anastasia?” I asked, getting my daughter's attention with a smug grin.

Mamma’s eyes shot open. “You will not use my own granddaughter against me!” It was a weakness we both shared, in fact.

“Anastasia, activate cuteness!” I pointed and commanded with a smirk, and she turned and gave Mamma the biggest puppy dog eyes I’ve ever seen.

“Please, Gramma?” She asked, and Mamma’s shoulders fell. “Please? It’s a surprise!” she argued.

After a few moments, Mamma groaned. “Fine.” I wrapped the blindfold around her face, and I actually did try to drive reasonably. It was still a very short drive, though. One in which Mamma complained the whole way.

Literally- anytime I drive her anywhere, every time I step on the gas she’s telling me to slow down! I learned how to drive in New York, what d’ya want from me? I don’t need to use my turn signal, I have my middle finger to let people know I’m turning! Furthermore; I paid for the whole speedometer, I’m gonna use the whole speedometer.

When we finally made it to our destination, I just parked the Nightgaunt by the curb out front.

“This better be worth it…” Mamma muttered to herself as Dee and I helped her out of her seat.

Without further adieu, I pulled her blindfold off and watched with a grin as she fell to her haunches in amazement, slack-jawed and wide-eyed. She seemed to be at a loss for words, so I simply said-

“Welcome home, Mamma.” Our childhood home had been lovingly restored to its original look, before everything went to shit. While the rest of the homes on the street still looked rotten and derelict- that wouldn’t be the case for long.

In the front yard, the re-planted weeping willow was practically glowing orange from the autumnal season. The mailbox by the door had been polished and re-painted, the bold black inscription reading Grimfeather. The roof had been re-thatched, and reinforced with plywood to further protect it from leaks. The re-painted and replaced siding looked much brighter and fresher than it ever did when we lived there. And the front porch was mostly rebuilt- except for a single board.

As we made our way inside, Mamma sporting a massive smile, I pointed to the board and looked at my daughter.

“Annie? Who’s name is that?” I quizzed her, and she immediately recognized the scrawled name and pointed back at me.

“Mamma’s!” She answered correctly, earning her a hug and a forehead nuzzle.

“Smart girl!” As I opened the door, it didn’t fall off the hinges this time!

“Has Mommy ever seen this place?” Annie asked, referring to Dee.

“Not in this state.” She said, seemingly amused by the quaint cottage. I rolled my eyes and chuckled.

“Sorry to disappoint.” Meanwhile, Mamma was mesmerized, looking around the room in disbelief.

“This… goodness, if you told me that you drove me back in time to see the past, I’d believe you!” The last time I saw her this giddy about anything is when I told her she was gonna be a grandmother.

Thanks to the clarity of memory caused by my Louse, all the interior decorations, down to the last intricate detail, had been recreated. Every picture frame was in the exact spot they used to hang up, with copies of the original photos printed and framed. Walls were re-papered in the original patterns; the carpets the same color I always remembered.

Hell, I made sure they re-created every detail; from the old books and magazines on the side table, the original appliances and cookware, the same style of lighting and draperies, even down to the small dent in the wall caused by opening the front door too fast!

Okay, that last detail may have been incidental- but hey, authenticity and all that.

“Try sitting on the couch.” I told Mamma. She seemed skeptical at first- but her eyes widened as she sunk into the cushion.

“It feels exactly how I remember!” she sat in her spot, and I smiled.

“Fun fact- I managed to track down the craftsman who originally built that couch.” I said, running my hand along the soft fabric. “The guy was retired for almost a decade- but long story short, he said he’d be honored to rebuild our couch. He even managed to find the original design drawings in an old warehouse of his!” He tried to refuse payment- but I pulled a sneaky on him.

Let’s just say that his retirement fund had a couple extra zeros added to the end just recently.

But anyways- I set Anastasia in the spot I used to sit in.

“I’m just like Mamma!” She yelled proudly as she snuggled into (my) Mamma’s side, and got a wing wrapped around her. Dee was getting a camera ready, and I took a seat next to my daughter.

It was a wonderful picture- and probably my favorite family photo. Mamma was sitting on one side of the couch, I on the other, and Anastasia directly between us. The camera was set to a timer, and Dee came up behind the couch and threw herself over the back rest, chin resting just above Annie’s head.

Click!

We then spent the next while exploring the newly-restored house; mainly though, we were answering Annie’s questions as we went along.

“Who’s that?” she asked, pointing at a picture of Gramma. The entire time we were here, she had this constant look of amazement and childlike wonder, her eyes practically sparkling as she tried to take it all in.

“You see that lady there?” I pointed to the shawled woman in the photo. “That’s your Gramma’s Gramma. My great Gramma, and your great great Gramma." Personally, I never cared for her- but I know Mamma did.

“Woahhhh…” She seemed absolutely amazed… then got distracted again. “Ohhh, what’s that?” She pointed to the notches on the wall written in marker on the doorframe to my old bedroom. With a wide grin, I pointed a finger to the mark labeled 5 Yrs.

“See this here? If you tell me what number that is, I’ll tell you what those marks mean!” She squinted her eyes, but only had to think for a moment.

“Five!” She exclaimed proudly, and I ruffled her feathers.

“Good job! That notch there?” I said slowly to build suspense, and my baby was nodding her head. “That’s how tall I was when I was your age.”

If my ears didn’t constantly ring with tinnitus, I probably would have heard the sound of her mind being blown. Then, she realized what I saw as an unfortunate fact; since the marker was at her eye level, that meant that she was taller than I was at that age.

“Wait… I’m taller than you were?” She sucked in a deep gasp, and started running around me while laughing like a madwoman. “YAYYY! I’M GONNA BE BIGGER THAN MAMMA!”

With a ““stern”” glare, I said to her- “You better not get taller than me!” I said, yanking her off her path, her little legs flailing around in the air. She started squealing adorably, because she knew she’d been had.

“AH! Wait, Mamma, I was joking!” But it was too late. With an evil glare, I held her up and, without a shred of remorse or guilt… used my wings to tickle her adorable exposed tummy! “P-PLEA-EA- AHAHAHA! S-STOP!”

God, having a daughter was such a fantastic idea.

But eventually, we settled back into the living room. Anastasia was actually upstairs taking a nap in my old bed, having been tuckered out by all the excitement of the day.

“She really is just like you, isn’t she?” Mamma joked, as she knew my childhood napping habits better than anyone else.

“Eh, girl needs her beauty sleep.” I said, setting my prosthetic leg against the couches side and resting my real leg on a pull-out ottoman. Mamma was relaxing in Gramma’s old chair and Dee sat next to me.

“So, what’s your plans for the rest of the street?” Mamma asked, thumbing through an old magazine.

“Oh, I’m gonna have this entire street restored and turned into a folk museum. I still have a bunch of shit to do, like finding the old owners and…” I then shrugged- “Eh, anyways- the idea is to preserve this small neighborhood as authentically as possible- so as the city modernizes and develops around it, we’ll always have this frame of reference as to where we started.” But mainly, I wanted to see my childhood home restored to its former glory. In fact, something told me my house would be particularly popular... so I'd have to make sure there were guards everywhere to... discourage souvenir taking.

Mamma smiled when she heard the idea. “I think that’s a wonderful plan, dear.”

“Did you think of what it’s gonna be called yet? I was thinking like, The Griffonian Heritage… something something.” Dee said, idly rubbing her chin.

“Oh, I was just gonna name it after the road it’s on.” I said plainly, and Mamma nodded in understanding.

Dee, however, was confused. “So… what’s it gonna be called?” She asked, and I cocked an eyebrow.

“The road?” I said, and she nodded.

…

“Well?” She asked, apparently expecting more. “What’s the name?” The exasperation was evident in her voice, and I wasn’t sure why.

“The road.” Mamma said, not even looking up from the magazine. Apparently, she decided it best for me to sort this out.

“Ugh! No, what’s the name of the road!?” she snapped, and I spread my arms out, bewildered at her reaction.

“Honey, why are you getting so upset over this? It’s the road.” I tried to explain, and she facehooved.

“WHAT’S THIS ROAD LABELED AS ON A MAP!?” She yelled, hooves on my shoulders.

“The road?” I asked,

“Yes!” What the fuck is her problem?

“The road.” I deadpanned.

“YES! THE ROAD! TELL ME THE NAME!” She gripped my shoulders hard while gritting her teeth.

“The road!” I yelled back, to compensate for the cotton that must be in her ears. My wife sucked a breath in through her grit teeth.

“PLEASE! JUST TELL ME THE NAME!” She practically begged.

“IT’S THE ROAD! I’VE TOLD YOU TWENTY FUCKIN TIMES ALREADY, OPEN YOUR GODDAMN EARS!” At this point, I had enough of this shit- then her maddened expression fell, and she blinked.

“Waitafuckinminute… The Road?” She reiterated, and my eyes lit up as my wife finally understood.

“Not the road, it’s The Road!” I said with a chuckle, wondering when my wife became such a knucklehead.

“Hang on… so this house's address would be 159, The Rd.” She connected the pieces to the puzzle that was already fuckin’ built, and with a scoff she started- “Who the fu-”

“Mommy? Mamma?” Anastasia was at the bottom of the steps, and the look of hurt in her eyes made my heart break. “Why are you fighting? Are you mad at each other?”

Dee and I locked eyes for a fraction of a second and nodded- I rushed to put my leg back on and we both were immediately at our daughters side.

“Aww, it’s not like that, baby.” I said as Dee gently set her on my back. We walked up the stairs side by side, with Annie’s arms clinging around my neck.

“But-but you were-” she started, but Dee came in clutch.

“Yelling? Sweetie, we get into arguments sometimes- that doesn’t mean we don’t love each other very much.” Dee took her off my back and the two of us tucked her into my old bed.

“Really?” she said, the look of distress vanishing from her face. I simply nodded with a smile.

“Yeah! And if anything, I think it makes us love each other more once we get it figured out.” Cheesy as that is. I looked my wife in the eyes from where I was standing, on the opposite side of the bed. “I mean- what were we even arguing over? Something stupid, that’s what.”

Anastasia’s little smile grew, and Dee and I couldn’t help but match it.

“Exactly! Your Mamma and I just had a little misunderstanding, that’s all. It happens.” Dee said, kissing our baby on the forehead.

Oh, I had the misunderstanding? Is what I wanted to say. But somehow, the voice of maternal instinct overshadowed my near instinctual, deep-seated need to bust balls.

Motherhood is truly a magical thing.

“I love you, Mamma’s!” is how Anastasia referred to Dee and I collectively.

“We love you too, sweetie.” I said, ruffling her head feathers. “You can get back to your nap- I promise, we’ll be quiet!” I said with a giggle.

“Okay, Mamma.” she said, rolling over with an adorable yawn.

Dee and I made our way downstairs in much better spirits than when we went up. Mamma gave us a smug grin from her chair and I rolled my eyes, my wife and I sitting back down.

“So…” Dee spoke up to get our attention. “The Road?”

“Don’t start.” I said plainly.

---

“The Road?” Glimmer reiterated, apparently just as confused as Dee was.

“No, not the road, it’s The Road. Isn’t that right, Anastasia?” I expected my loyal daughter to back me up, but she just slowly lifted her head from her spot on the floor with a yawn.

“The Road!” She yelled enthusiastically, though her voice gave away how tired she was- probably from chasing her tail around for an hour. A quick glance at the clock told me it was past her bedtime- and of course, as soon as Annie yawned, everyone else was forced to join in. Mamma was already way ahead of us though, peacefully napping in her Chair.

So, we decided it was time for bed. I led my guests to their room and made sure they were comfortable- you know, making sure they had enough blankets and pillows, showing them how to use the lock, and reiterating basic rules, like don’t enter locked rooms.

I can be called many, many things. I refused to be called a bad host.

“Anything else you need?” I made sure to ask, and Starlight nervously spoke up.

“A-actually, I was wondering if I could get a pen and paper?” she asked, and I nodded in understanding.

So, I made sure to set her up with a blank journal and plenty of spare pens. But there was one more thing I had to bring up.

“Oh, Starlight?” I got her attention, “If you want, you can work with me tomorrow. Show you what a functioning government looks like.” I had a smug grin, and she nodded with a smile.

“I’d love to!” Then she awkwardly looked to the side- “I-I mean, not like I had anything better going on.” I laughed,

“Alright, alright. Sleep well, you two!” Then, with a sly grin, I added- “And the walls are soundproof. Do whatever you want in here- but just know, you’re doing your own laundry.”

Starlight blushed and Trixie started giggling.

“Soundproof, you say?” It sounded like she was talking to me, but she was looking at her wife while she said it. At that point, I decided to show myself out so they could seize the means of (re)production with a little privacy.

So, it was my turn to go to bed.

That night, Dee and I were cuddling- and I was the little spoon. I may not have been showing it, but I was genuinely nervous that something was wrong with Celestia.

If Celestia goes down, then the dragons will realize that there’s no-one to keep them in check anymore. While I don’t know all the details- the dragon's call the war they fought with Equestria in, The Day the Stars Fell. But unfortunately, because of the secretiveness of the dragons and the subtle but apparent censorship by Celestia… very little is known about this battle. Hell, there is genuine debate as to whether or not Luna was even there.

All that is said about it in the Equestrian history books is that Equestria herself fought in a grand war against the dragons, its people uniting and yadda yadda, hooray, the dragons fucked off! This is part of the reason I’m trying to keep Starlight on my side- simply put, as someone who’s best friends with the leaders of multiple nations, she’s already proven to be a gold mine on illegal info!

However, there could be a problem. Glimmer was friends with, of all people, Dragonlord Ember. I’ve been keeping Operation Starfall a closely guarded secret- hell, Dee and I are the only ones who even know the name. A lot of different groups of griffons are unknowingly working towards the goal of utter military supremacy; and when the timing is perfect, these technologies and groups will co-operate and synergise with one another to create…

Well. Loose lips sink ships and all that. But the bottom line is- I need to determine whether or not Starlight will take sides with Ember. On one hand, she is friends with my current most hated enemy- But on the other hand, many ponies heavily criticized the decision to hand Griffonian land over to the dragons.

Many called it an illegal overreach of power- potentially because, I dunno… IT FUCKING IS!

“Calm down, sweetie.” Dee whispered in my ears. My nerves refused to settle, though.

“Dee?” I asked, and she hummed. “Can you just… talk to me about something? To help get my mind off it?” I hated having to do this to her, but I wanted to sleep at some point tonight.

After a few seconds, she said- “Anastasia is the best thing to happen to us.” She said, and I agreed wholeheartedly. “I mean, when we were looking through that album… Heh, it almost made me a little sad seeing how fast she’s growing up.” With a giggle, I sighed.

“Yeah…” I muttered, memories of good times spent with my baby filling my brain. “Heh, remember her reaction the first time I took her out flying?” It happened only a couple days after she was born. I was only a few feet above ground to gauge her reaction to heights- but come on, now. What kinda griffon’s afraid of heights?

With a giggle, my wife said- “And remember when we took her to that candy place afterwards? That was her first time seeing unicorn magic!” We giggled at the memory, and I remembered my first time witnessing proper unicorn magic. Actually, this was the same candy shop Mamma took me to when she first took me flying, though ownership had been completely passed on to the next generation by now.

“Yeah! When he was levitating those jelly beans around, and Anastasia was grabbing them out of the air? God, the look on her face was so worth… worth everything, really.” I trailed off at the end there as I felt tears welling up. “Motherhood has been so, so wonderful. Like, every time I look at Anastasia, I think holy fuck! That smart little hen is my daughter! My baby!” Tears were freely running down my face. Tears of pride, that is.

“Yeah… must be nice…” Dee muttered in a somewhat melancholic tone.

“... What’s wrong?” I asked her, and she sighed.

“Well, it’s… please, don’t take this the wrong way. I love Annie with all my heart- but every time you and her are together, you have this… connection.” She explained, “Like- I don’t know how to explain it, but… but she seems to prefer you over me.”

I took a moment to think of a reply- but I sighed instead. “Yeah, I… I kind of know what you mean- but do not think Annie loves you any less than she loves me, or Mamma, or anyone else in the family.”

My wife sighed dejectedly. “Yeah, but… but I-”

“You know what it probably is?” I interrupted her, “It probably comes down to our obvious racial differences- and it’s not your fault! But it’s just… You know, I taught her how to preen her feathers, I taught her how to fly, how to hone her beak and talons… we bond over that stuff, I guess.” and among other things I’ve taught her how to do. “But the bottom line is, as another griffon, there are far more things that we can closely bond over than if we were a different species.”

In other words, she hangs out around me more often because, aside from childish instinct, she probably finds me more relatable to herself. I wouldn’t phrase it like that out loud, though.

“...Oh…” She muttered, sounding dejected. This, however, would not do.

“But, imagine if you had your own kid?” I suggested, and I heard her gasp behind me. “Like, you could teach her how to style her mane, paint her hooves, and- well, you get the idea. How’s that sound?”

After a long pause, she said- “Maybe.”

“And besides- I’m sure Anastasia would love a kid-sister… or brother, either way.” I idly mused, and she giggled in response.

I hope she thinks it through and says yes, to be honest. We’d have to find another surrogate, though- nothing against hippogriffs, I’m just certain that Dee would prefer to raise a pony.

---

“Honeeeyyyyy! Are you done writing yet?” Trixie whined from her spot on the bed, her eyes drooping with exhaustion.

“Almost done!” she said, very thankful to have a journal to write in. “Now, where was I…” She was at the tail end of the journal entry which went over everything that happened from the start of the rally onwards.

In conclusion; These past few days have been utterly nuts! Nevermind the fact that LEONA herself apparently sees within me, some sort of… political potential, is what I’ll call it! But more on her tomorrow. My Darling Trixie is getting antsy without me in bed, apparently.

She moved to close her diary for the night- then gasped out loud, flinging her diary open and jotting down a quick note for herself.

“Baaaaaaaaabe!” Trixie whined, and Glimmer rolled her eyes.

“I’m coming, I’m coming!” She jumped on the bed and tackled-hugged her wife. “You’re so needy!”

“You love me, though.” Was her response- a point in which Glimmer couldn’t debate.

“Absolutely.”

Cruel World

View Online

To call the Maria situation a shitshow would be a complete and total understatement.

Originally, I was gonna put off dealing with it again- until around midday, Glimmer asked if she could stay around the house and get caught up on her journal, which I can respect. I still wasn’t going to today- but then Dee told me she had a private meeting with Emmie scheduled.

“Say hey to Tony for me if ya’ see him!” I yelled as she left, her turning to blow a kiss my way.

As for Maria- I honestly felt terrible for the poor girl. I never told Dee that I murdered that woman's father, instead opting to keep it to myself because the less people knew, the better. But regardless, she must have found out somehow. Why else would she rat?

Knock, knock, knock… knock knock.

I stood outside the door to her room, nervously awaiting the following conversation. Even though I unlocked it from the outside, I still thought it was rude to just barge in.

“Maria? It’s me. Open up.” Knock, knock, knock… knock knock. “You’re not in trouble and I don’t wanna hurt you- please, I wanna make up for it!” Finally, the door slowly creaked open. The state of the room matched its occupant quite well- it gave off the impression that she was under much stress. Trays of food were set off to the side, untouched. Empty bottles of booze and tissues littered the room, her feathers and bedspread were a greasy, tangled mess. And it seems as though the phone was destroyed in a fit of rage or despair when the occupant realized that it had been disconnected before we even put her in there. Completing the presentation, it didn’t take a genius to see how much she was swaying and trembling, or to smell the booze on her breath.

“Christ, if I known it was this bad…” She stepped to the side and I shut the door behind us. Meanwhile, I went from feeling bad to feeling genuine guilt over the situation. Maybe having the enforcers drag her away… wasn’t necessary, unlike what I thought at the time. “Take a seat on the bed.” I said as I pulled up a chair of my own.

“Listen, about what happened…” I mean, I was expecting… anger? Defiance? Anything but the utterly broken look on her face. Ever since I realized she was working for my wife, I did everything I could to make sure she was comfortable. She’d eat whatever Mamma made for dinner, I gave her all the sick time and days off she requested, I gave her a car! All as my way of apologizing for her father without revealing myself as the culprit. Maybe I was too good to her, and she grew suspicious? I always did find the fact that she refused to eat at the table with us odd, but I chalked it up to sheepishness.

Either way, it was time to get this off my chest. I’d been stewing on it for years now- maybe I didn’t regret my actions, but the result of said actions? But either way, I’m certain the cat’s outta the bag at this point.

“Look, Maria, I…” Finally, I made eye contact. “Look. I’m sorry for what I did to your father.” Her eyes shot open and her beak dropped as she shuffled backwards in her seat. “But I didn’t have a choice. It was either him, or my mother and I.” I doubted anything I could do could make up for it, but I refused to not try…

But perhaps I should have taken the time to ask Maria why she wanted to rat.

“Y-You… it was you? It was you!?” She yelled, tears rolling down her cheeks, her beak gritting in such a way that it looked painful to me. “You killed my father!” She yelled, pointing a talon at me. Her voice sounded hoarse and raspy, as though she’d been shouting, or perhaps dehydrated.

“Woah woah woah, back the fuck up!” I said, putting my arms in the air, “Don’t act like this is fuckin’ news to you! That’s why you wanted to rat, isn’t it?” I accused, jumping out of the chair and gripping the back of her head feathers. I pulled my revolver and pressed it to her chin. “Come on! Tell me, right now, so I can kill ya!”

But, just as quickly as it started, her squirming ceased. Her shoulders drooped, and she slowly looked me in the eyes, trembling. But the look on her face was no longer anger, or even sadness. It was an unfocused gaze, as though she were looking at something directly through me.

Finally, she whispered. “E-Empress…T… T…” Dee? I unintentionally let go of her feathers, and her face fell into my shoulder- perhaps out of a desperate need to have one to cry into.

“What… What did my wife do to you?” I was genuinely confused. My wife has always been more than reasonable around the help- it’s what I taught her. That’s why she often mimics my generosity and casualness with them. But this was different- Maria was genuinely hurting, and I don’t think it’s because of poor tips.

I let her calm down by crying into my shoulder. When she was ready, she pulled back with her face soaked and matted with tears.

“When… When I was first brought on, I was… so excited. I remembered meeting you, and…” She scoffed, looking to the side. “Then I met your wife…” After a couple huffs, she grit her beak, face contorting with anger. “That… disgusting woman…”

Normally I wouldn’t take an insult like that lightly… but something told me it was warranted. I know what my wife’s into- and that made it all the more horrible to think of what she might have done to Maria.

“She… she…” She tried to get it out, but seemingly couldn’t. With a sigh, she leaned in and whispered in my ear two words which left no room for an alternate, kinder interpretation. “Touched me…”

Either rape or domestic violence. And the lack of physical evidence of violence was quite telling, indeed. Me, though? I felt just awful. Just… fuck…

“Maria… I-I’m sorry, I didn’t know that was happening!” I honestly thought I was gonna cry, and it confused me as to why I felt so strongly about this.

“You didn’t know!?” she yelled in my face, causing me to flinch. “It’s been happening for YEARS! She’d use me like a fucking toy under that desk of hers! I-I… you’ve walked in on her multiple times… and you’re telling me you never found anything out?” Great, now I feel like a moron too. “Like, you didn’t smell anything off? Notice anything about her face?”

As she listed off the signs, the realization that all this had been happening under my fucking beak horrified me.

“You know what I think!?” While I was zoned out, she finished her rant and poked me in the chest. “I’m not afraid of you!” She yelled defiantly in my face, and genuine tears started running down my cheeks.

“Maria, please, please don’t tell me that.” I begged her to calm down. I didn’t want this, I didn’t want any of this.

“Or you’ll do what? Have me killed like another one of your pets!?” I shook my head slowly and let out a sigh.

“Maria, you don’t know what you’re saying. Please, I want to help you-” Please, please, I don’t… I don’t…

She scoffed, “Help!? You wanna help!? You can help by letting me tell the world the truth about you!” You’re backing me into a corner here, I don’t wanna do this! “Let them know the reality of you, your despotic wife, and this empire of blood and decadence you’ve built over The Confederacy!”

Finally, I let out a heavy sigh. “I truly am sorry, Maria. So, so sorry.” wet streaks matted the feathers on my face.

“If you think you can just say sor-”

BANG BANG!

Her fury-laced rant was brought to an abrupt halt as I was forced to draw my revolver to finish her off. Two shots punched through her head and chin like it was nothing, blood and brains splattered all over the sheets. I stood there frozen as I took in the stiff expression of shock on her face- eyes and mouth wide open filling with blood, the spreading bloodstain, feathers daintily floating down, almost appearing to be slow-motion. And in such a way as to give me a sense of deja-vu, blood was spurting out of a hole in the side of her head rhythmically to the beat of her dying heart.

With a cold sort of tranquility, I unlocked the panel that allowed me access to the PA system.

“Can I get a janitor to clean up the mess and take the trash out in Guest Room 5?” Of course- this was code for I need someone to chop this stiff up and get rid of it for me. Double pay for any volunteers.

I needed to get as far away from this as possible, at least mentally. I did not wanna think about Maria any more than necessary, and I desperately needed to take my mind off it.

That’s why I found myself in my private bathroom, waiting for the bathtub to fill with hot water. It was just as decadent as the rest of my home, with a separate shower and bath and… okay, the bath was the real highlight.

It was real snazzy- waterproof cushioned bottom, back, and headrest. To the right was a mahogany table with a phone, radio, ash tray, and plenty of spare lighters along with a hand towel. The bathroom also had two separate PA panels- one by the shitter, and one by the bath. And the one by the bath has a dumbwaiter next to it; if I wanted a drink or a magazine, I could just have someone send one up instead of having to unlock the door.

The sound of the bath fan running droned on as the tub filled, and I poured in a good bit of melatonin-infused bubble soap; then I chucked in a red citrus-y smelling bath bomb, watching as it dissolved angrily in the water. Finally, for good measure, I threw in some bath salts. Er, not the Florida kind, the kind that’s actually made for use in baths.

Then, I brought out the candles, placing them throughout the bathroom for mood-lighting; then I shut the overhead light off completely, watching as the dim candlelight faintly glowed against the cloudy steam rolling from the lip of my bathtub. The bath fan was shut off with the light as well, leaving the sound of running water the only noise in the room.

The one, singular disadvantage to having a bathtub so large is the fact that it takes seemingly forever to fill, a fact that I would normally be complaining about… but after the most recent event of the day, I found myself mesmerized by the growing mass of bubbles along the surface; better than stewing on what happened.

When it was finally time, I shut the water off, and instead of being met with silence, I was frustrated by an incessant ringing in my ears. With a groan, I turned on the radio, opting to find a channel playing something soft and quiet- at least enough to drown out the ringing. I mean, I had to get a noise machine for my room just so I could fall asleep.

“The cost of progress.” I chuckled as I simply tossed my clothes into the corner. My revolver was left with another servant for cleaning, but I felt I wouldn’t need it here. Hat, coat, vest, undershirt, leg. The bandolier was never put on this morning, otherwise it would’ve joined the pile of discarded garb.

Without further adieu, I lowered myself into the bath. It was a slow ritual, with me tranquilly breathing out as I felt the bubbles caress my body. My fur itself felt lighter as it floated freely, only a few errant dead strands shedding off.

I let out a contented sigh as the water rose to my chest height. I just kept going lower and lower, until the bubbles were up to my beak. Then I pinched my nose closed and shut my eyes, fully submerging myself and running my other hand through my head feathers. When I arose, I rubbed the water and bubbles out of my eyes and kicked back, resting my head on the cushion. Small movements made waves form, which gently lapped against my neck and chin.

“Beautiful.” I muttered to myself, pressing the PA button. “Yo, Tonio! You hear me?” And after a few seconds,

“Loud and clear, Don Grimfeather!” Dunno why he always says clear- the audio is staticky as fuck. Either way- I reached into the special box I kept by the dumbwaiter solely for this purpose.

Without looking, I slapped a bill on the elevator tray and said, “Could ya’ send a whiskey, a bowl of blueberries, and the latest issue of Weird Stories up to my bath?” I asked, and got a Sure thing! In response.

After a few moments, the dumbwaiter lowered itself and when it returned, I had a whiskey, a bowl of blueberries, and five copies of the magazine I requested.

“I sent up a couple extra copies, just in case.” I nodded with an impressed grin.

“You’re the fuckin best, Tonio.” I said into the PA without even waiting for a response. I dried my hands off with the nearby towel to look at the magazine. The cover art depicted an odd cult worshiping some statue of a bull-goat-gorilla… thing, the arms of which were clutched around some presumed damsel in distress; the story was called the Terror from Tartarus.

I admit- these magazines are a guilty pleasure of mine. Still better than that Yellow Book quarterly periodical my wife loves.

---

“Huh… what a weird name for a cat…” I muttered to myself as I read. It had been about an hour, and I was about a half of the way through. I totally didn’t drop a magazine in the water trying to reach for the whiskey, no sirree.

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing!

The phone started ringing, and I definitely didn’t get startled and drop the magazine in the water, no sirree. I cleared my throat, turned the radio off, and picked up the brass phone off the receiver.

“Leona speaking- talk to me.” I said, unsure who was calling.

“Heyyyyyyy~” I heard my wife's voice on the phone, and I couldn’t stop from grimacing.

“Hey, baby! How’d it go?” I asked her, not wanting to talk to her about the other thing over the phone.

“You’ll never guess what!” she sounded real excited and giddy, and my eyes shot open.

“No way!” Despite the other thing, a grin shot across my face. “For real!?”

“He agreeeeeed!” She yelled, practically squealing into the mic. “I’m gonna have a foal of my own!” She sniffled faintly, and I knew she was getting choked up. I honestly didn’t expect this so soon!

“Hold on, I thought you said you were gonna think about it?” I asked her, a feeling of trepidation slowly creeping up.

“Oh… do you… do you not want another?” She asked, utter disappointment in her voice.

“No, no! It’s just… I didn’t expect it so soon!” Christ, I can’t have the conversation tonight… “L-Look, I’m in the bath right now. Can we talk later, baby?” In truth, the rising anxiety made me wanna just lower myself back into the bathtub.

“... Sure thing, honey. I love you!” With a trembling hand, I said-

“L-Love you too.” I hung up the receiver and sank deeper into the tub, clutching the sides of my head, trying to breathe. Even with the water never rising above my neckline, I was having difficulty breathing, my chest literally hurt from anxiety. The lukewarm water felt like it was near-boiling from how uncomfortably hot I felt. The closer I got to the waterline, I noted that almost all the bubbles were gone… leaving the results of the bath bomb I chucked in earlier. The blood-red water felt like it was crushing me with pressure, and the candlelight reflecting off the surface caused my bath to shine with an eerie red glow.

In my anxious delirium, I half fancied I could smell copper instead of the original citrus, and I couldn’t take it anymore. I partially rose out of the water, clutching a hand to my chest and resting my elbows against the sides of the tub. I started desperately looking around the room for fuck knows what, and my eyes widened upon seeing a particularly dark corner, caused by the fading candlelight.

It felt as though my tinnitus had transformed into the horrible droning of bagpipes, the sounds of screams and errant gunfire filling my ears. My eyes kept being drawn towards the black corner, as though I was paranoid a dog could rush out at any minute. I smelled burned flesh and the room was spinning, and it made me terribly nauseous.

I just kept whispering no, over and over, my whole body was trembling, and I clutched my heart, beating so hard I thought it would crack my sternum.

“Ah… ah… OUT!” I screamed, clamping my eyes shut and pathetically clamoring out of the bathtub and flopping onto the floor like a fish. The water extinguished several more candles, causing the dark to spread. I screamed in utter terror, it felt like someone had a gun to my head. I bolted to the door, tail between my legs like a scared little girl; when I was in my bedroom, I flopped onto the carpet and curled up into a ball.

I wanted help, I desperately wanted help. I didn’t know what I was feeling- but in my mind, it felt like if I didn’t do something, I’d die an imminent, terrible death. Like I’m stuck to the ground, and I see a speeding bus coming my way. I wanted Mamma, I wanted Dee, I wanted Anastasia… but I couldn’t. I couldn’t let them see me like this.

So, I laid there silently crying to myself, wishing the hurting would stop. I was a mess- naked, drenched, curled up on the floor crying- the leader of the free world, ladies and gentlemen. I felt so weak and helpless, moreso than when I was a newborn infant. While I was on the ground wallowing, Corleone came up to me and, with her face near mine, she started purring incessantly and nuzzling my beak. Despite the pain I was in, I couldn’t help but smile at the dopey look on her little face.

I think she helped a little. At least, it finally felt like I got it all out of my system. When I thought I could do it, I slowly stood up and looked at the state I was in, and the mess I made when clamoring out of the bathroom.

“I need to get baked, right fucking now.” was the only conclusion my brain could come up with. I got up, still trembling somewhat, and got a towel. I threw a couple on the wet spot on the ground, but I figured I’d come back later.

Once I felt suitably dry, I threw my black and gold trim bathrobe on.

“Mrow!” Corleone yelled for my attention from my bed, and I giggled.

“Alright, alright. Here’s your fuckin’ attention.” I said to her, stroking her across the back and scratching her behind the ear. She purred like a fuckin’ truck, always has. Then I figured, if I’m getting stoned, why shouldn’t she?

I grabbed a tin bottle of catnip and licked a paper straw, dipping it into the bottle. The residue from the last time it was used tingled along my tongue, and the smell got me excited. “Wanna get fucked up with me?” I asked my cat, as though that were a normal thing to do.

“MROW!” She yelled, bolting to my side of the bed. I held the straw out and she started licking and sniffing at it incessantly. The effects were instant, and her licks started slowing.

“Heh, yeah you do.” I muttered, Corleone flopping onto her side. Now, it was my turn.

The ponies can keep their fancy tea-rituals and other assorted pretentious bullshit. I had my bluntwrapping ritual; the same way I’ve been doing it since high school. In our closet was a small, nondescript metal box which had a small combination lock. It was very thin metal and painted plain gray, so as to not draw attention to it.

“God, what the fuck was the combination…” I tried to remember… “Ah, right. 4-2-0.”

Click!

The only thing different about this box was the expensive preservation enchantment I had put on it. It’s how pony aristocracy kept their fancy foods fresh before refrigeration, as the inside was a stasis zone that prevented anything inside from breaking down.

Side note- I wonder if I could put that enchantment on a coffin… or a display case? Eh, anyway…

Meaning, that the small baggie full of Everfree Reef was as fresh as the day I bought it. I’d been saving it for emergencies; because of the state Equestria was in, I smuggled Zecora out of the country as a favor for Sinan. Caused by Gallus clamping down on drug enforcement, there was a very real chance that she could’ve had a warrant put out for her arrest for selling “drugs.”

Anyone who lumps weed in with opium and coke is a fuckin’ moron. In fact- just after we got her out of the country, we heard rumors that the Equestrian guard was looking for her for “questioning.” She still grows fantastic weed- just not as good as that everfree shit. Something about the ambient magic, I don’t fuckin’ know. I know how to smoke it, no fuckin’ clue how to grow it. But still- at least we have the decency to let her live inside city limits.

Where was I? Ah, yes. Inside the box was also a grinder, a pack of cheap cigarillos, and a triple-beam scale. It was actually an old relic from Ponyville High- the weights were found to be slightly off, and they were gonna throw it away. Dee convinced the science teacher to let her have it, somehow. I wasn’t complaining, though.

I took a sniff of the stuff and shuddered, then proceeded to set the old scale to about the weight I’d need, and tore off a small chunk of weed. Little more… Like I said- the scale was a bit off. The little arrows that line up to tell you you’re even were mispainted, and the one is at a slight angle. But like I always said- who cares if the scale’s off by a little? It works good enough.

I threw the nug in the grinder along with a pinch of catnip. I was rolling 90-10, since I mainly wanted to chill. The tin grinder was just as old as the rest of this stuff. At one point it was painted yellow with a smiley face- but it rubbed off over time, revealing bare metal. With a few satisfying twists, I set the grinder off to the side for now.

The cigarillos were some cheap two-pack with a blue-raspberry flavored wrapper. Of course, the pack was already torn open; I’d intentionally left it out overnight before we put it in the box, so the staleness would really add to the authenticity.

Another side tangent- one of the earliest things you read about griffon biology is that As predators, our claws are like natural knives! I never understood this, because I rarely ever use my claws to cut things. Yeah, you can use them to skin an animal- but metal holds an edge much better than keratin. For everyday use, you have to constantly sharpen and file and hone your claws, and it’s a pain in the ass!

There’s a reason there are so many examples of ancient griffonian copper knives. So no, we don’t have “natural knives'' on our fingers. What we do have, however, are natural blunt rollers.

I used a talon to slice along the cigarillo and dump the tobacco out. I wouldn’t have to hone my claws immediately- it’s just paper. I discarded the disgustingly cheap tobacco into our trash can. Then for luck, I gave the grinder a little shake before I popped it open, and then spread the green evenly along the blunt.

Griffon talons? Perfect curvature and size for rolling blunts. These talons had years of experience blunt rolling- so by positioning my claws just right, I rolled it onto a nice, beautiful blunt. Then I used my thin, pointed tongue- without extending the Louse- to lick along the seams and finished the wrap by running my lighter along the length to “weld” the seam together.

I don't know why griffons have evolved to have natural blunt-rolling tools, but I'm not complaining.

And no filter, either- I wanted to roll this shit as authentically as possible… mainly to keep my mind off other things. I felt good about the end product- and I was about to feel a whole lot better. Before I went out, I turned around to check on Corleone-

“What the fuck?” I said out loud with a giggle. “How long’ve you been staring at me like that?” She was still standing on the corner of the bed, staring at me wide-eyed like a knucklehead. I patted her on the head to kickstart her singular braincell, and she flopped onto her side, purring.

Now, I made my way to my balcony and-

Knock, knock, knock.

God damnit.

“Who is it?” I yelled through the door.

“It’s me!” Glimmer said, and I rolled my eyes. “I was wondering if we could talk some more?” She has… a lot of questions. So many questions. But then again- I planned to get baked anyway. If she wants to listen to me ramble off the lam all night, she can be my guest.

“Sure, what the hell.” I said, unlocking the door and letting it swing open. Her eyes were immediately drawn to the towel and weed equipment strewn about. “Don’t mind the mess.” I said nonchalantly as I led her to my balcony. A glance at the cast-iron outdoor thermometer hanging off the roof told me it was a wonderful 75 outside, and the still trees indicated a lack of wind.

The view of my backyard was beautiful, especially on a summer late-afternoon like this- situated on the second floor, it was great for when I wanted to smoke, or to keep an eye on Annie from afar. Up here, I could see my entire backyard: consisting of a big fire pit, large shed, gated swimming pool, a sandbox and playset for Annie, and a veritable minefield of her toys strewn about.

“Damnit, I told her to clean up her mess…” I muttered to myself, unable to be bothered to rectify the issue.

The porch itself had a gas heater, hanging swing, a couple reclining iron deck chairs with padding and cup holders, and a matching glass-and-iron table.

“Take a seat, get comfortable.” I said with a warm smile. I kicked back the chair and, without further adieu, sparked the blunt. I gave it a couple quick puffs to get it going, my nostrils scrunching up from the pungent odor. Then, I took a drag- a small one, held it for a few seconds, and slowly puffed it out. Because of the catnip, the flavor tasted kind of like menthol. “You smoke?” Already, I was feeling the effects when an uncontrollable smile went across my face.

With a sheepish grin, she said- “N-Not really… Out of curiosity, did you get that from Zecora?”

As it turns out, Trixie used to buy weed off Zecora to help with her ADHD, according to Glimmer.

“Right ooon…” I muttered, already a few puffs in. My tail started subconsciously twitching as the nip kicked in as well. “God… how often did Trix smoke?” I asked with a stupid giggle. “I can’t imagine smokin’ this every day, I’d get nothin’ done!” Glimmer chuckled at that.

“What she did was she’d roll one in the morning and take small puffs throughout the day- and at night, she’d just finish it off.” She chuckled away. I’d already forgotten what she said due to obvious reasons, and if it weren’t for my Louse coming in clutch the next morning, I’d have been fucked.

Then, Glimmer gave a sad sigh. “It’s… a shame Zecora disappeared, really… She was a good friend.” Because I was baked, I laughed out loud. “H-How could-!”

“Nonono! No! Li-listen, hee-hear me out!” I said, trying to explain myself through a fit of laughter. “She’s fine! She’s fine!” I held my finger up to tell her to give me a second. Once my chuckles died down, I took another puff.

“So my buddy, Sinan… Great fuckin’ guy, by the way… Oh wait, you met him?” Last night, I introduced her to my friends at the bar- we had a great time that night. “Pardon me, I’m baked out of my gourd right now and only plan to get worse… anyways, Zecora is his… uhm… aunt!” I explained, and Glimmer's eyes widened in realization. She opened her mouth to say something- but I wasn’t done.

She knew I was getting baked, so she signed up for this.

“And so, I had some friends help smuggle her out before Gallus ordered something he’d regret. And you remember how she always spoke in those annoying fuckin rhymes, yeah?” I said, and paused to take another puff. I started cracking up, wondering if I’d croak before I finished the story.

“And- she was reluctant at first. You know, no one wants to uproot their lives! Then my guys explained that we had good reason to believe Zecora would be next on the list for drug roundups… Her response?” She was giggling with me, leaning in, anticipating the conclusion…

“She said- Houugh!” Immediately, I started hacking up a lung. It was a dry, unproductive cough that made tears run down my cheeks and made me feel like my lungs were made of cast iron. She was covering her mouth with a hoof- but I could tell she was trying to not laugh at my expense.

“I-I’m… COUGH! Haaah… now I’m good. She said, and I quote…”

“Of all the unsightly beasts in the sea, they see it necessary to go after innocent Me?-And she was super pissed!” I explained as we shared laughter, “Buck them in the rear! Buck them in the EAR!” I put on a stereotypical ‘voodoo woman’ accent and finished, “To the land of the griffons I will go; for a time, I must lay low!”

Then, of course, I erupted into another coughing fit; I’d realized it was time to set the blunt down for a minute. I gave my blunt a stern glare from the holder on the side of my ashtray. “I’ll be back for you.” I demanded my blunt… before erupting into a total giggle fit.

“Ah-Ah, I’m fucked up, Glimmer.” I mused aloud, staring off into space. Finishing up a few giggles of her own,

“Heh, I could tell…” She said, trailing off towards the end. Maybe she wanted to ask something, maybe she wanted to get away from my rambling- either way, the back of my head was apparently glued to the back of my headrest. And before any of you fuckers call me a lightweight- this weed is literally full of magic! And not in the hippie sense either, I mean this thing is overflowing with the chaotic energy of the Everfree!

Or, that’s what Zecora told me. I’m not a fuckin’ unicorn or a voodoo queen, and the extent of my knowledge on magic is “It’s bullshit.”

“I uh… Are you feeling alright?” She asked out of nowhere, and I shrugged. Then, she seemed to talk quieter and quieter- “B-because w-when I…” She then let out a sigh and deadpanned, “It looked like you were crying when I came in, and-and it made me a little c-concerned, you know?”

Without a second thought, I said “Oh, it’s because I was already hi- shit. The blunt was unlit when you came in. Fucks sake.” I muttered to myself, trailing off. “It’s… been a long day.” I said plainly.

I felt a hoof gently press into my arm. “You’re shaking.” She said, a look of utter concern in her eyes. I squinted my eyes at her.

“How much do ya trust me?” I asked her plainly. “Do you think I would intentionally mislead you?” She seemed to glance off to the side in thought.

“Why would you? Are you… are you saying you’re a liar?” She asked naively, and I started laughing again.

“Honey, lying to people comes with my job. Or the job of any leader, really. You’ve seen yourself how Celestia altered and censored history to better fit her narrative; and I admire her for it! It’s a smart thing to do!” I then let out a heavy sigh. “But… fuck, I… You don’t lie to friends and family without a damn good reason, you just don’t! I learned that lesson long ago- one of the most important, I think.”

The one time I did have to lie to my wife like that afterwards, was to save both our asses from the Gala. I was laying back again, staring off into space, absorbed in thought.

“I… I do trust you, Leona… Do you trust me?” she asked simply, and I snorted in laughter.

“Yeah, I’d say I do. At first, I… Let me be honest with you.” I said plainly, turning to look her in the eyes- I even brought the back forward so I could sit up. “When I brought you in, it was with the intention of putting you in place as a puppet leader of Equestria. I never read your book- I just figured it was a bunch of hippie peace and love bullshit… but my wife convinced me to bring you in.” I explained, occasionally stopping to re-align my train of thought.

“But after yesterday- I genuinely think you have some good ideas! You already have an audience in Equestria, you have me as an ally…” She was rubbing her chin in thought… but she slowly moved her hoof up to hide her creeping smile. “Imagine- the Great Equestrian Union and the Syndicate of Griffonia, working together as allies!”

Quite frankly, I was tired of Equestria being a thorn in my side. When Glimmer lowered her hoof to reveal a smug grin, I matched her expression.

“What did ya’ have in mind?” she said, and I held up a gimme a minute finger again. I picked up the blunt and resparked it.

“Hold on, gonna need this…” After a few more puffs, I was ready. With a deep breath, I said- “Listen. There’s a secret that only one other person knows- my wife.” Her eyes widened in anticipation for whatever this great secret is. “It’s a secret so buttfuck insane, that it was only with the help of Discord being a dick that my wife could believe me.”

She gave me a wary look, biting her lip.

“There… there is a way to determine if you’re telling the truth- a spell.” She seemed nervous to even bring it up, as I knew damn well how powerful a mind-reading tool is. “But there’s… a caveat…” She muttered, and I held my hands out in anticipation. “It’s… extremely painful if it detects that you’re lying.”

In my mind, the image of a waterboarding spell that tortures someone into telling the truth forced me to suppress more giggles.

“Fu-fuck it! Let’s do it!” I said, getting up and leaving the blunt in the tray.

We each took our seat on one of the reclining chairs in my bedroom, and Glimmer looked on in anticipation. Her horn started glowing light blue, which then started to form around my body- as though there were lights directly underneath my skin. It tickled oddly, as magic like this typically does.

“Okay… to make sure it’s working, we have to test it… tell me that your fur is purple- a small lie shouldn’t hurt too bad…” She said, and I shrugged.

“My fur is purp- AGH! It felt like I just got tased, what the fuck!?” She mouthed the word tased quietly to herself, and scribbled it down in a small pocket notepad titled Leona-ism’s. It’s a system she devised for herself so she could… I dunno why she was writing it down, to be honest. Cataloging, I guess.

“The spell works based on your memories- so for example, if a blind pony ‘lies’ about their mane color- since they’re blind, they have no way to actually know the color… so if in their mind, they truly believed they were purple, it wouldn’t trip off the spell.” She explained while I inspected myself to make sure I was alright. “You can… start explaining when you’re ready, I guess.”

Without further adieu, I introduced myself.

“Hello, Glimmer. About 32 years ago, I died as the result of a death sentence passed on to me about 20 years before.” At first she leered in incredulity, but her eyes slowly opened up in shock as I continued. “When I was born here, I had the life experiences and knowledge of a human- Yes, kind of like the ones of old myths from antiquity- a girl who spent her life working her ass off for a family that left me out to dry in the end. And when I was in prison, I read a lot- holy fuck, I read so fucking much.” I giggled to myself- in a way, I was a massive nerd… I’d just never admit it out loud.

“That’s where I found my love of history, especially government. There was this book I read, and I can’t even remember the title- but it was about this guy called Na-”

“WAIT!” Glimmer yelled to interrupt me, and gave me a sheepish smile. “Can I get a pen and paper?” She asked, and I nodded with a smile. She bolted to her bedroom and Corleone jumped on my lap.

When I was able to continue my ramblings, I continued to play with my kitty. Her soft fur soothed me, and her loving purring and nuzzling made me smile. How anyone could own a dog as a pet, I would never know.

Thankfully, Glimmer was a fast writer.

“Anyways- Napoleon Bonaparte… when I was a kid, the few times I went to school, I barely paid attention. I knew Napoleon was some French king or something, but I didn’t give a shit at the time. But by sheer chance out of a sense of desperate boredom, I picked up a book about him…” I briefly paused- not for dramatic effect, but because I forgot what I was talking about for a moment. “He was born in Corsica as Napoleone di Buonaparte- he was Italian! I was interested because like- I’m Italian! I don’t know why, but I kept reading…

“It was only by sheer chance he was born just before the French stole the island! But everyone calls him French, which I found to be terrible! Insulting, even!” I ranted, no longer giving a fuck if my summary was coherent or not. “Anyways, he joined the French army and realized he was pretty damn good at it! He kept rising the ranks and eventually, got himself in a position of power!

“I mean, this guy was incredible! He basically reinvented warfare on the fly, and it took his enemies like, years to find a counter-strategy that worked! He clapped Austrian cheeks, and while he was in the middle of taking over Europe, he basically told the French that he was the Boss now, literally took the crown off its ceremonial altar and put it right on his head!” As I explained, I noticed that she was using her magic to write with multiple pens. “The guy had balls, he took what he wanted! The rest of Europe banded together and created like, 7 coalitions during his reign just to try and keep Napoleon from completely taking Europe! All the while, he was spreading his ideas of how the world should work, and eventually, monarchies were being toppled or weakened all over the place to form modern republics!

But anyways, as I was reading, it kept referencing this other book, called The Prince. Written by another misunderstood Italian, Machiavelli. Napoleon once called that book the only one worth reading, so I did a little digging, and eventually, I… convinced the warden to bring me a copy. Don’t judge me- in prison, you gotta do what ya gotta do. BUT! This book, The Prince, is where my own flavor of Syndicalism started to form- even if I didn’t realize it at the time.”

“So wait-” Glimmer interrupted me, and I cocked an eyebrow. “This Napoleon guy tried to take over the world… and you admire him?” I shook my head.

“I admire what he represents. He was an underdog that saw a destabilizing world and took his chance to seize power and form the world in his own image. His legal system changed the world for the better, as his code was the first to recognize civil liberties and all that other shit. That said- his reign probably wouldn’t have lasted either way. He made too many enemies, and with the most powerful nations in the world gunning for him, it was only a matter of time before the house of cards fell. But even when it did, Europe was never the same- and it was for the better, as I feel like it set the stage for modern history. Human history.” I paused to let her catch up, and when she did, she had a wide grin.

“Tell me about this book, The Prince.” She had a look on her face that told me she wasn’t just thinking- she was scheming.

“Okay… so, everything you’ve learned from Twilight about friendship and other interpersonal relationships- it’s great! It’s pure virtue, and while it is an admirable quality to be totally caring and compassionate, an abundance of these virtues is seen as a sign of weakness to be exploited. That’s what Twilight could never understand, and what Celestia apparently never taught her.” Glimmer was muttering to herself as she wrote down my words.

“Basically, Machiavelli argues that the ultimate goal of a politician is to keep and hold power through various means- and it’s not always morally righteous. It’s a book that challenges the old ideals of virtue and goodness, and argues that for a state to remain as such, whoever is in charge has to be willing to do whatever it takes… Let me give you an example that explains the fundamental ideas of Machiavellianism.

“There was this other Italian guy, called Cesare Borgia who was conquering Florence- which was the style at the time. He eventually conquered Cesena, and to help calm things down, he put one of his generals in charge, Ramiro deLorca. Borgia basically told this guy to do whatever he wanted to keep the peace. Given free reign, things quickly went to shit.” As I explained what happened next, the look on her face molded to one of disgust. “Borgia told deLorca to keep the peace at any cost… so he beheaded men in front of their families, seized properties, castrated anyone who spoke out against his rule. But- he created a sort of “peace” through his actions… I know this sounds bad, but hear me out. After months of this suffering and abuse, the city hated deLorca, and by extension, Cesare. But-”

Glimmer had a scoff on her face. “Really? That’s your ideal leader? A despotic-”

“I’m not done yet.” I added firmly, and she pursed her lips. “When Borgia found out what deLorca did to Cesena, he had his general kidnapped overnight. They cut him into two pieces… Right up the ball-seam.” That gave her pause- “Beheaded him and displayed it in the town square. And the people- they celebrated, because the most hated person in town finally got whacked!”

Glimmer gasped, coming to the conclusion herself. “And… and Borgia claimed that deLorca stole power and condemned him for the crimes he was told he could commit!” my grin matched hers, and I said-

“Not only did he paint himself as a savior, he painted deLorca as a villain, an example of what happens when you fuck around!” I felt proud of her- I was confident in her abilities before, now I know she has what it takes. “What Borgia did was morally wrong, evil, manipulative… but you can’t argue with the results, because the fruits of this endeavor was long term stability and the love of his people. That’s what’s most important in any state- at least, that’s the way I feel.”

After finishing the story, she gave me a wide grin.

“Yeah… yeah, I think I got it. Uhm… do you think you could-” She started,

“Tell you more?” I finished for her, and she nodded. “You’ll find out more. You’ve got a lot to learn before we can save Equestria from itself.” I held up a fist, and she bumped it with her hoof.

I leaned back in my chair to relax, and after an awkward silence, Glimmer spoke up again.

“So… you wanna talk about what happened earlier?” At first I was confused- then I let out a sigh of annoyance.

I sat up straight again, “You’re still on about that?”

With a warm smile, she said- “I used to work as a counselor at the School. I can tell when someone shifts the conversation to avoid talking about something.” I just snorted.

“Honey, I’m a total basket case. There’s no fixing me.” I admitted, staring off into space. “I tried therapy… there’s no fixing me, believe me.” I reiterated, but Glimmer insisted.

“Then let me help you instead! If you can’t be fixed, you can be helped… as you seem so adamant on doing with me- of which, I am very grateful.” She had a warm smile on her face- it felt genuine, somehow. “Please- I trust you with your politics and your unbelievable origins. I want you to trust me with this!”

With a deep sigh, I finally caved.

“I do trust you, Glimmer. Seriously- working with you yesterday was a fuckin’ blast!” I admitted- but more details on that next chapter.

Wait. What?

“Earlier today… That lady I had to talk to, she was my wife’s secretary. And… I won’t go into any of the details, but… Fuck, I ruined that poor girls life…” My eyes became unfocused as I told the story, but I felt a hoof softly grab my hand. Glimmer pulled her chair closer when I wasn’t paying attention, evidently.

“Take your time. And you don’t have to tell me all the details- I understand, it can be hard.” Hearing this, somehow, came as a relief. My gaze focused on my impromptu therapist and newest friend, for the time being.

“Thank you. It… she had to die to protect us, but she didn’t deserve it.” My voice cracked, heart pounding in my chest. I felt sober-er, somehow. Not like when I was rambling on about political theory- no, this felt different. “God, she didn’t deserve… any of that… I’ve known my wife for so long, and… and I…” I let out a sigh. I couldn’t tell her that part.

“Well, after that situation was taken care of, I decided to relax in the bath for a bit- take my mind off things. It was going well, until my wife called. I love her with all my heart, don’t get me wrong- but after today… I can’t tell you everything… I can’t help but see her differently.” Getting frustrated, I tried to get up- only to find that that wasn’t an option.

“Let go, I need a drink.” I said firmly, but her magic wouldn’t budge.

“Please, Leona- you were doing so well! Just stop, take a few deep breaths, and continue when you’re ready. Booze won’t do you any good right now.” As much as I hated to admit, she was right. I took her advice- several slow, deep breaths later, I continued.

“She called me. The other night, we were talking about having another baby. Today, she was asking one of our closest pony friends to be a surrogate father, and he agreed!” I was feeling frantic as I continued, but I continued focusing on Glimmer. “God, I should’ve been so happy… then… Fuck, it was so weird- I’d never felt anything like it before.”

But alas, as I recalled the experience, my mind started to wander. “W-when I l-lowered myself in the tub, the-the bath… uh, bath bomb I-I t-threw in…” I was stuttering terribly, and it felt like my whole body was shivering. Subconsciously, I wrapped my wings around myself. “It was c-citrus scented… r-red… l-l-like blood, and, and I smelled copper, too!” My voice was cracking as I recalled the story. “Th-then c-c-candles… dark… like I was back in-in the c-caves. Dogs charging, gunfire screaming… bagpipes. I was drowning on air, my insides felt like incessant radio static, and I thought I might have a heart attack. Felt like I was in-in d-danger, and I…” Then, with a nervous chuckle, I finished- “I uh… cried on the floor, f-for a-a-a while. I felt v-vulnerable, alone. But I couldn’t l-let them see me like… like that.” I tried to laugh it off, but failed spectacularly. Glimmer gave me a soft, sympathetic look.

“It’s alright to feel vulnerable- especially in front of family. They care about you, you know. And it sounds like you had a panic attack, fueled by the stressful situation from earlier compounded with PTSD.” I paused to think for a moment. “Look- you don’t have to talk about the war. And if you want to look at it another way, what’s done is done, no?”

“Hmm. That’s basically how I viewed it from day one. It is what it is, and I can’t argue with the results… The Maria situation was different. I won’t tell you what happened… But long ago, I fucked her over without either one of us realizing it. I tried making it up to her over the years, any way I could, and…” I sighed. “Bottom line is, I have no fucking clue how to approach my wife about this.” Glimmer nodded in understanding.

“Because of what she told you, you don’t want to spoil her mood?” She was more or less correct.

“Yeah! I’m worried because I don’t wanna hurt her! This is something that means a lot to her, and-and I… I just can’t! Not yet!” I nibbled my finger in anxiety, and Glimmer took a hand in each hoof.

“Leona- this is something that’s bothering you deeply. If you let it fester, it’s just gonna eat away at you from the inside until it bursts out. Please, don’t let it get that bad.” She almost had a pleading look in her eye, and something told me this wasn’t the first time she gave out this advice. “I can’t make you do anything- but… please. Talk to her, reiterate how much you love her, and let her know what’s on your mind. Trust me on this one.”

Finally, a genuine smile grew on my face.

“You’re right.” I finally admitted.

---

The rest of that evening, Glimmer and I just spent our time chatting it up about whatever bullshit comes to mind. She was telling me stories about herself and her friends, and I finished my blunt, laughing my ass off the whole time.

But all good things must come to an end. Later that night, my wife was behind me, cuddling me in bed. I’d actively avoided bringing up the other thing, but she was more than happy to tell us how excited she was to have a foal on her own- even though there’s not even a bun in the oven. Hell, the dough isn’t even made yet, but you’d think that she was expecting any day now with how she was talking!

Back to the present, I could feel her hot breath tickling the feathers behind my neck. I couldn’t face her, not to talk about this.

“Honey?” I said, and she hummed. “I love you with all my heart, you know that?” I said with a nostalgic smile. “And… if anything happened to either of us, I don’t know what I’d do.”

She giggled softly before speaking up.

“Baby, I know!” She giggled “And I love you too! More than anything else in the world!” She said in a soft voice that made me smile. But it shrank when I thought about what happened next.

After more silence, I spoke frankly and honestly.

“I know what you did to Maria.” I said, voice stern. The tickling on the back of my neck stopped after Dee gasped, and I could feel her shaking a little. “I’m not upset at you. I don’t want to know why you did it.”

She shot up, and the cold air spread across my back.

“L-Leona, I-I-” She tried to explain herself.

“Please. Lay back down.” My voice was uneven, almost shuddering. “I-I need… I need you. Please.” she slowly laid back down, once again wrapping her arms around me. I sighed in utter relief.

“I’ve done a lot of things I regret. Murdering Maria’s father for money was… not something I thought would come back. But it did.” Thankfully, Dee squeezed tighter- and it felt wonderfully relieving. “I… I’m an awful, awful person, Dee. Only now, I’ve finally felt what that actually meant.”

With a deep sigh, I continued. “I can’t change the past. But, going forward… please. Just, don’t- Don’t ever let me get in a situation like that again. God. I did what I had to, to protect us.” I shuddered, “But it didn’t need to be that way.”

“Sweetie, I’m sorry, I had no idea-” She sounded panicked as she tried to explain.

“Enough. Just… promise me it won’t happen again.” I said with a sigh, “Not just the thing with Maria… Dee. If Maria squealed, it would’ve been it for us, our credibility would’ve been ruined. Please, recognize that fact. Keep it in mind any time you’re interacting with a lower post than you. I can’t make you feel bad for Maria- but I can make you promise to not get us into a situation like that.”

After a few seconds of silence, I got my reply.

“I promise, dear.” She nuzzled the back of my neck, and I let out a sigh of relief.

“Thank you.” Despite this- I couldn’t stop thinking about her. About how I ruined her life without even knowing of her existence.

All it took was me shuddering for my wife to snap me out of it.

“Want me to tell you how the conversation with Emmie went again?” It was a funny story- and I figured, why not?

“Yes. Please.” I said, and she giggled.

At some point- I fell asleep with a smile on my face. I hated to be so callous about Maria, but… what the fuck else could I do? I couldn’t leave my wife, I refused to. Perhaps it’s a decision Maria would have liked- but it’s over now.

Wherever she is, I hope she’s at peace. She doesn’t deserve to hurt anymore, never did in the first place.

It is what it is, I guess.

---

That night, however, not everyone was restless in bed.

As Glimmer lay in bed with her wife Trixie, she couldn’t help but think of the possibilities! Leona seems to think she had what it takes- and not only that, she hailed from an entirely different planet, inhabited with an entirely different species! But she was tired- tomorrow could wait for tomorrow.

Anastasia laid in her bed, softly snoring away. She had one of her Mamma’s old teddy bears to snuggle with, and her dreams that night were the usual- dreams usually centered around Mamma spending time with her. She loved her Mamma with all her heart- same as the orange cat which was curled up on the end of her bed, snoozing away.

But of course, not everyone was in bed.

The clanking of casino machines droned out, and bells and whistles would sound off every now and then.

Thunk!

“Damnit!” Amelia yelled as she once again lost at the slots, looking at the near-empty bucket of coins next to her. She had plenty of money- but she still had to change the bills for coins at the counter.

“Hey, sugah!” One of the cocktail waitresses approached her with a tray of champagne flutes, and looking particularly attractive. She had a green bracelet on- and everyone in the casino knew what that meant. “Can ah interest ya in a drink or two?”

Amelia hummed to herself. “You know, I am feeling pretty thirsty after that losing streak…” She had a sly grin and pulled out a wad of bills. “I think I’ll definitely need two, if ya catch my meaning.” the waitress giggled and kissed her on the cheek, handing her a room key.

“Name’s Cecilia. I gotta find my friend- why don’t you head up now?” She ran a seductive finger across Amelia’s chin, and it made her shiver. “We’ll be up… real soon.”

Wasting no time, Amelia took the key and waited on the bed for her… escorts.

One thing was certain- when Cecilia and her partner Cassilda walked in looking all dolled up and sexy, Amelia decided then and there that it was time for bed… but she wouldn’t be sleeping.

In fact, she probably wouldn’t be getting a whole lotta sleep that night, anyway.

But of course, life is rarely kind. Not everyone slept on a bed that night.

Maria’s corpse was taken away, chopped up, and the individual pieces buried- cutting up a body makes it easier to transport, you know. In the end, she was buried in a twin mattress sized hole in the ground, her head resting on a pillow of clay; she was covered all over in a blanket of quicklime and dirt, with worms and maggots being her only companions in her most final of beds.

She had no family left to mourn her- Leona personally made sure of that, long ago. She had no kids, never married, and was a bit of an outcast.

There was almost no one left to mourn her in the end. No one to cry for her untimely death, except for the one who caused all her pain and suffering. Ironically enough, it was one of two deaths she cried about- and the other was her own.

Eat The Rich

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An excerpt from the diary of Starlight Glimmer.

---

To the citizens of the Griffonian Syndicate, Leona is a wonderful leader. She’s kind, compassionate, caring- but ruthless when she needs to be. To the people, she brought prosperity, order, opportunity, and wealth. She outed the old abusive rulers and shifted the corporate servitude to the people. Citizens of the Syndicate don’t call her The Godmother in passing because she said they had no other choice. They do it out of respect.

She’s actually in an interesting position- normally, whatever governing body exists will serve the corporations out of a sense of financial duty of sorts. They see the CEO’s as their biggest producers and money-makers, and thus, will go through great lengths to ensure they are taken care of. Profits soar, at the cost of the people. And the journalists just go to the highest bidder- their propaganda makes it seem like the corporations are the good guys.

Leona realizes that to ensure the continued existence of the government and the corporations, the citizens have to be happy. Equestrian citizens have been paying higher and higher taxes and getting squeezed for every last bit or drop of labor; major CEO’s experience tax breaks, frivolous write-offs, bail-outs, exploit loopholes and use chicanery to keep the lower class down.

Leona, however, tolerates none of this. One quote of hers that comes to mind is, and I quote…

“Fuck you, pay me.” -Don Leona Grimfeather.

It’s brilliant! Oh, you thought you could skim off the top without my notice? Fuck you, pay me! You want a tax relief as a reward for all the ‘generous’ time off you gave your employees? Fuck you, pay me!

Actually, the economy of Minos is experiencing a heavy downturn as Leona’s policy of Fuck you, pay me has essentially weakened the Bank of Labrynthia through brute force. She doesn’t go to courts, write up warrants and subpoenas; she knocks on their door and asks, “where’s my money?”

Another thing she told me- “Unreported income will be recovered, I assure you.”

She didn’t go into great detail about what happens if they still refused, instead opting to give me an example of what happens when she doesn’t get her tribute. It was yesterday, in fact, we were spending the day together; on my end, I wanted to know more about this odd government; on Leona’s end, she apparently saw potential in me as a leader.

I don’t know about that last part- but what happened next did give me a few ideas.

---

Leona’s car rumbled and growled as it drove down the back road. It was early in the morning, around seven, and we just ate breakfast. She said she had a time sensitive appointment at some woman's mansion to make, which is why I decided to join her.

“Normally I wouldn’t eat until around, like, 9 or so… but I’m on a bit of a timeframe with this.” She explained- then she cryptically added, “Also, I didn’t want to kill my appetite before breakfast… Don’t worry, no-one’s getting murdered.” That was a little relieving, to be honest.

After a few moments, I had to ask- “So, how often do… do people get murdered, around you?” A bit of an odd question, but these are odd circumstances. She just chuckled.

“These days? Not so often. Normally, I have someone else to do it for me unless I got something personal with the fucker… or like when I had to take care of that rat, yesterday. Sorry about that, by the way.” She seemed more annoyed than sad. “I mean, I did everything for that girl! I let her eat Mamma’s cooking, made her as comfy as I could, you saw the car I gave her as a bonus! It was a nice car!” She just sighed, “It is what it is, I guess. And I still gotta deal with that shitshow!”

Personally, I just laughed. “See, if my boss was as nice as you were, we wouldn’t be in this mess!” That got a good laugh out of her. “Hell, if that Elitist fuck Neighsay were half as nice!”

“That’s just it, isn’t it?” She said, and I nodded. “Maria probably found out some information so valuable that she would risk death to reap the rewards. But usually- if you take care of your people, they’ll be happy to have your back. But anyways, we’re almost here.”

We pulled around to the backside of some ginormous fenced in mansion with a walled back-garden. There was a large gate on the backside- one where an equally large truck with a large barrel on the back waited. It smelled foul, even from a distance.

“Thankfully, this prick’s out on business. Oh, you can wait in the car. I’ll only be a minute.” She explained, leaving me behind with the car running. Not that I couldn’t see what was going on of course; There were guards outside the gate, but they stared forward as if they didn’t even see us. I had a feeling that if I asked, Leona would say they know better than to say anything. I watched Leona help guide the truck as it backed up into this woman's garden, crushing furniture, latticework, and plantlife underneath its massive tires.

Inside the garden was a massive private swimming pool of granite and marble- it seemed like construction was recently finished, as there was no water in it. A metal pipe extended from the back of the large truck, and hovered directly over the empty pool. The driver flashed her a thumbs up; with a wide grin, she grabbed a broken piece of wood off the ground. On the side of the truck was a large safety latch; when knocked out of the way with the piece of wood, it revealed a metal release lever.

With a couple unsuccessful thunks from the board, the lever was released. Gallons of sewage started flooding into that poor bastards swimming pool as Leona made a mad dash to the car, the tires squealing against the cobbled road as she drove us away.

Finally, after an awkward silence I just had to ask- “So uh… what was the point of that?” I asked, and she started laughing.

“A private swimming pool is not a fucking tax writeoff- no matter how much paperwork you planned to do by it.” This whole thing was over a frivolous writeoff?

“But… What about due process? Why not just take her to court over it?” She rolled her eyes and scoffed at the mention of due process.

“Due process doesn’t work against people like that.” She said, rolling down her window and lighting a cigarette. “You know, your elites.” It still didn’t sit right with me.

“Why not? Why shouldn’t it?” I mean, equality in front of the law has always been something important to me- but as much as I hated to admit, Leona had a point.

“Too many people to bribe along the way. Let’s say, I go through all the effort of bringing him to court. I gotta make sure the judge can’t be bribed, the jury can’t be bribed, what have you- then, I gotta protect the judge and jury to make sure they don’t get whacked. But even before that, this rich fucker’ll hire a lawyer. Then, finally, after months or years of effort, the lawyer uses a bunch of loopholes and chicanery, then-”

“Alright, alright, I get it. You don’t wanna waste your time with the courts.” I interrupted her, having gotten the point.

“It’s not just about wasting time, or even money.” She said, tossing the cigarette butt out the window and lighting another. “It’s about sending a message. Tomorrow, I’m gonna get on the morning radio show and say ‘Yeah! I had some rich asshole’s multi-million dollar swimming pool filled with shit! What’s she gonna do about it? If she wanted to write it off so bad, she should’ve opened it up to the public like I told her!’”

I couldn’t help but smile. If Celestia, or even Twilight pulled something like this- I dunno… I guess it’s nice to see someone get what they deserve.

“Everyone gets to laugh as the rich asshole has to deal with a pool filled with shit- and as a result, all the rest of the rich assholes will know to not fuck around. And because she didn’t want to pay me my sales tax, she’ll be paying to have her pool un-shitted, her garden fixed, everyone knows what a pathetic greedy fucker she is… I may never see that sales tax, but his pool’s gonna pay in fuckin’ dividends through sheer entertainment.” She had such a smug grin on her face- one I couldn’t help but match.

“There is something inherently satisfying about seeing an Elite get pushed around like they do us.” I mused aloud, “They act all high and mighty- but hold them to the flame, they run like rats.” Her smug grin turned dark, devious even.

“You don’t know the half of it. Elites like this cunt- whose pool I just destroyed- when the pressure builds, they start to crack. Even ones that have callously used hitmen in the past to further their own gain- you start yelling nonsense and press a gun to their face, they crumble like a fuckin crouton!” She said, laughing between her words while I laughed along. “No, please, no! I have so much more money to make! I’ll sell you my wife at a discount if you spare me! Don’t kill me, please!” she spoke in a mocking tone- and I couldn’t help but continue our shared laughter.

Then, I fell quiet- to be frank, I felt a little bad for laughing.

“What’s wrong?” She asked, apparently having noticed my silence. “If you’re feeling guilty, don’t.”

I couldn’t help but snort back a peal of laughter. “Oh, it’s that easy?” I said in a sarcastic way, and Leona chuckled with a smile.

“That’s not what I meant, smartass!” Despite her harsh language, her laughter kept up. “Besides, do you know who’s pool that was? Mrs. Tankthrust.” My eyes widened as I realized just who this was.

“The same one who hires zebra mercenaries to break up strikes in Equestria?” She nodded, and I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face. Now knowing what kind of person Leona just messed with, I couldn’t help but savor the irony.

“That same piece of shit. That’s why I say don’t feel bad for her or any of the… fuck it, the Elites. Now you got me saying it!” I shrugged, a little apologetic. “Point is, she had every opportunity to do the right thing. She fucked around, she gets to find out.”

While I didn’t feel as bad for laughing, it still left a burning question in my mind.

“What… what’s stopping them from cutting their losses in Griffonia?” I mean, why wouldn’t they just leave?

“What’s stopping them from leaving?” She said, a haughty tone in her voice. “I do.” Then she went on to explain- “For the majority of them, I take care of them. Our syndicate is a two way system of compromise- while it is my job to prevent the corporations from fucking over the people, I also have to make sure the corporations aren’t getting rawed over the couch.”

At first I was totally skeptical, but I saw her reasoning.

“Just as an Elite can squeeze the working class for every penny, a Union can sometimes go overboard with their demands and jeopardize the entire company. People get greedy, they get unreasonable sometimes- that’s how the world works. But if either party has a problem with the other, they send their petition up to the Fair Labor Enforcement Agency. It gets manually reviewed by a bunch of people, then they go to the belligerent party. They collect the facts as to why the demands were refused, as well as looking into why the demands came into being… They decide that the demands are unreasonable, the party has two chances to appeal. This, I believe, is more than a fair system for all involved.” She explained- but I still didn’t get my answer.

“But… How do you prevent the CEO’s from jumping ship? Or outsourcing to Equestria? Without the trade ban, what’s stopping them?” I asked, and she gave me an odd look, cocking her eyebrow.

“Me. I’m stopping them. Let’s say some Elite tries to take refuge in Equestria. There’s some things I can’t tell you- but bottom line is, I see it as Equestria harboring a Griffonian criminal. They can hand the fucker over, or I threaten military action… that is, if I hadn’t already sunk their private superyacht as it leaves the docks. Remember who owns the army.” She said- and you know what? Fair enough. “But the point is- this system isn’t one of equality, I will admit. It’s a system of Equity- to prevent bullying from the Elites, the working population needs an equalizer. That’s why I’ve made it relatively easy for my people to own guns- as a polite society is an armed society… Manners are good when one may have to back up his acts with his life.”

As of writing, it’s only my third day here, and I already have so many new ideas to think about! Already, I had some ideas, and I was curious on her input.

I asked her- “Why not just skip the middleman and nationalize all the labor sects?”

She opened her mouth to reply, then blinked. “That… huh…” now it was her turn to think! “I… nah. That probably wouldn’t work.” her dismissal annoyed me to hear, not gonna lie.

“But… why wouldn’t it? Why do we need any of these rich assholes?” Might as well not sugarcoat it. “People like Tankthrust- what do they do aside from push pencils all day? What value is she bringing to the economy?”

“Her company is-” She started,

“No, no! The individual Tankthrust. What does she do aside from scheming and stealing from the other classes?” I noticed her glare, and I shrunk back a little bit. I felt relieved when her glare ended as quick as it came.

Note to self- never interrupt Leona mid-sentence.

“Because it’s easier for me to let the people keep doing what they were already doing before. I let the CEO’s keep their jobs, I legitimized the Bosses, and I let the unions form. People don’t like stepping down, so I gave them a choice. Listen to what I say or lose everything; basically what I did to the dogs. Either way, the Syndicate goes on.” She said with a shrug. “But, I mean, what worked for me may not work for you. Conversely, systems that work out for you might not work out in Griffonia. It just comes down to the will of the people… and propaganda.”

Finally, I smiled. “I think I get it…”

---

The rest of that car ride was rather uneventful. I asked Leona for some time to think- she obliged by turning the radio up.

While I understood where Leona was coming from, I didn’t entirely agree. Personally, I think all Elites should bow to the will of the people. In my book, I discussed how the people would use peaceful means to get what they want… but listening to the Equestria update on the radio told me that may not be an option.

The gist of it is- as a result of the recent debacle, The Crown is cracking down hard on protesters. Gallus was on the radio encouraging people to report Anti-Equestrian Sentiment among their peers for rewards. The Equestrian court and parliament are bogged down to near uselessness between citizens demanding a proper solution; and the elites, demanding that the status quo remain in place.

It’s quite disgusting to see a nation built on the values of friendship and compromise fall to such depths because of greed and hatred. And as much as it pains me to admit, I hate the Elites as much as the common pony does. It utterly goes against the virtues of friendship… but they make themselves very easy to hate.

All the meanwhile, poor Twilight is caught in the middle of this storm. How she hasn’t fallen from nervous collapse yet is beyond me. She’s a great friend and a great ruler- but she’s really not fit to lead during times of great unrest. Things seemingly started unraveling not long after she took the throne proper, and that is by no coincidence. As soon as Celestia all but disappeared from the public eye, the Elites started growing in power by virtue of ruthlessness. Celestia was no longer on the throne- and as a result, the Crown lost its bite.

This all begs the question- why has Celestia seemingly abandoned us in our time of need? And I don’t think it was just career burnout that drove her to retire. What Gallus said seems more and more credible as I think about it- and that horrifies me.

If Celestia truly is in a weakened state, then the check on Draconic power and influence will dissolve if her secret is let out. She needs the dragons to think she could still extinguish their very existence with so much as a blink of an eye.

I respect the dragons deeply- hell, I’m friends with their current Lord Ember! But as a species, their societal priorities are utterly incompatible with the continued existence of other societies. I’m not saying that because their culture consists of them constantly fighting and bickering over hoards and land- something they take personal pride in.

No, my reasons are much more legitimate.

The first dragon war was sparked by their old Dragon Lord, Ušum. He made a plot that involved enslaving the other races of the world to dig up gold for them, creating the ultimate, eternal hoard. What happened next has only been whispered about by the eldest, most ancient of dragons, lamenting on the terror that took place on The Day the Stars Fell.

The troubling thing, however, is the Draconian religion still reveres this plot, almost as much as it reveres material gold itself. They say it was ordained by their Mother Hydra that the dragons would one day rule Equus, and all the gold in the world will belong to her children… or something like that.

I remember when I found all this out during a private conversation with Ember. I asked her if she revered the plot too… and she changed the subject, saying she wasn’t comfortable saying more. I didn’t think about it at the time- but now I can’t stop thinking about it. Why? Why wouldn’t she denounce these awful beliefs?

I need to see if Leona can possibly schedule a one on one, between Ember and I… But… I dunno. I’ll get to it, sooner or later.

I gotta get my mind off this.

Speaking of Leona, the rest of the day was quite calm. A lot of meetings, sitdowns, sitreps, speeches, that sort of stuff. But what really formed the highlight of that night was getting to meet her, admittedly, quite colorful friends! She was taking me to a bar they frequented, and I was a little nervous at first- after all, if my life was in danger, I asked her if it would have been better for me to lay low.

Her response was a reassuring “You’re with me. No one can fuck with you.”

---

That night, when we pulled up to this place, there was no parking available down the entire street! The line out front nearly wrapped around the building, and there was practically an army of bouncers nearby. We stopped outside the front entrance, and Leona handed a valet her keys and a wad of bills.

“We’re goin’ in through the side. Stay close.” She said with a smirk. I was led down some stairs on the other side of the line, the crowd of griffons making plenty of room for their Don. She led us through the kitchen, the employees casually greeting her like a friend as we walked by.

When we finally reached the floor, she went straight to the bar. The griffon sitting there wore a coat to cover his lack of wings and a black eyepatch did a poor job of concealing the chemical burns underneath.

“Adrian!” She yelled over the crowd and the cheery swing music. “I got someone I want ya’ to meet!” He turned with a smile and held out his hand, which I shook.

“This is Starlight Glimmer, and she’s under Griffonian protection.” She said plainly, and he nodded in apparent understanding.

“You can call me just Starlight… or Glimmer, for that matter.” I said somewhat sheepishly, and Adrian chuckled.

“A pleasure to make your acquaintance, Madame Glimmer.” He spoke in a refined tone of voice that suggested good education, fit for a member of nobility. “Please, call me Adrian.”

He then turned to Leona and said in a far more casual tone- “Want me to get the table ready while you introduce her around?” He said, and Leona nodded.

We walked away before I had a chance to ask any questions- something that would probably be a running theme tonight.

“Hey! Hick-for-hire!” she yelled to a griffon that dressed like a foppish cowboy, boots and hat and all! “Say hi to Starlight, she’s been couch-surfing and landed in my house!”

I blushed, taken aback! “I have not!” But their shared laughter told me that they were just joking around.

That introduction played out much like with Adrian, with a quick exchange of names before moving on.

Next were the twins, Fin and Jos. But really, it was more of an introduction to Jos, as Fin apparently doesn’t talk much. Kind of reminds me of Fluttershy, in a way.

But most interesting was perhaps Sinan, a zebragriff she was friends with. He was wearing a purple silk robe which must have come from the Hippotigria, one of the smaller Zebra city-states. It had beautiful swirling patterns represented by gold trim to represent stripes.

After our names were introduced and we shook hands, I had to ask before Leona dragged me on!

“Sinan, if you don’t mind me asking… Is that robe from Hippotigria?” he raised his eyebrows, apparently surprised.

“That’s exactly it! That’s the tribe my father originates from… I’m impressed! How’d you figure it out?” He asked, and I just gave a sheepish grin.

“Oh, I just recognized the patterns on the robe. I-It’s nothing, really.” He simply snorted.

“Still though, it’s more than most know about my people.” He said with a wide grin.

Apparently having made good impressions, the rest of the night was pretty fun! Instead of discussing business like I assumed they would, we all drank, played cards, and told each other stories.

When we first sat down, I didn’t plan on drinking… but when that waitress showed up ten minutes into our card game to see if we needed more drinks, I figured, what would one or two hurt?

---

“A-Anyways… hic… tha’s why I think we sh… should sink tha yachts!” So much for two drinks. “We, we gotta… fuck the rich!” I said, slamming a hoof into the table. “No rubber, fuck ‘em!” the roaring laughter around me told me to keep going…

But in retrospect, they might have been laughing at my drunken antics, rather than fully agreeing with me.

I don’t remember much of what happened after that, and I was more than a little embarrassed when Leona told me what went down while we were all hanging out in the living room after breakfast. Tiara was there, and Trixie was on the other couch with me. Amelia was spending time with Anastasia, leaving the rest of us behind to talk.

“Oh, you were blind drunk!” Leona explained, quite bluntly. My darling wife Trixie joined in Leona’s mirth, the traitor! “Ranting and raving about Marksism and the rich.” I blushed, crossing my arms in a huff while Trixie hugged me from the side.

“Oh, please.” Tiara said, rolling her eyes and looking at me. “Don’t let it get to you- you have no idea what it’s like dealing with Leona when she’s drunk.” Leona started sweating in response and said-

“What are you talking about, honey? I-I mean, we all do stupid stuff when we’re drunk.” She had a nervous grin on her face, silently pleading with her wife to shut her mouth. Tiara just gave her wife an evil grin as she shared with me some stories about Leona that, if they ever got out, would probably get me murdered on the spot.

It’s… a little surprising how easy that was for me to write out. Then again, as Leona would put it- “You don’t gotta find out, as long as you don’t fuck around.”

Bottom line is, Leona wanted those stories brought to the grave and I don’t blame her. That’s why I’m not writing them down, in case something happens to this diary.

Didn’t stop me from laughing as her wife told the story.

I’ve been writing for the better part of the afternoon now. Leona had something she wanted to take care of, but if the PA announcement that rang out a couple hours earlier is anything to go off of, I’d say she probably already completed that task.

I wonder if Leona would be up to discuss politics some more? She said she wasn’t doing anything all afternoon…

School's Out

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Despite all the bumps in the road, spending this last month with Glimmer has proved to be quite enlightening. I was very happy my wife talked me into taking Starlight and her wife under my protection; And while she has yet to publish her “Manifesto” as she calls it, she seems to be making good progress.

At the very least, she’s been taking her instruction on the fundamental ideals of Machiavellianism very well; the more I found out about her village and what went down, the more hope I have for Glimmer’s future as an Equestrian politician. From what I’ve been able to gather, she was quite authoritarian in her rule. She was able to convince an entire village to put her on top, conform to her ideology, and live a life of luxury as a sort of dictator.

Another thing I noticed is that despite my initial impressions of sheepishness, Glimmer can get quite passionate during a debate; as though her banging her horseshoe against a podium like a fucking orangutan wasn’t a good enough hint. Not only that, but I’ve realized she has a tendency to get upset when things don’t go her way. I asked Trixie about it, and she claimed that her wife was inclined towards bursts of rage in the face of great opposition.

I was talking to Emmie about the whole thing, and he compared the village to a classical cult. So what I’m saying is, I have a lot of faith in Glimmer. Hopefully it won’t be like that time the Bosses got Kennedy elected. You know- when he put Bobby in as Attorney General and fucked up Cuba. But let’s be honest- we were never getting back into the casinos and in the end they whacked Jimmy for nothing.

I wonder how Irish’s holding up?

Ah, side tangent. But anyways- my sources for Glimmer’s town are from everywhere but the direct source. I hear stories from Trixie, as well as from my spies and correspondence in Equestria. With the current political turmoil, I had to recall most of my spies to leave only a fraction of highly skilled agents.

And speaking of the political turmoil, The Crown has been… Well, they sure as shit have been doing stuff. When the dust settled from the initial unrest, Palistrade Avenue was left in shambles. The Equestrian stock market crashed in the wake of Ponies dumping all their stocks to recover what little money they can. Were it not for the protests already costing many their jobs, there would be much more layoffs as a direct result of this.

But despite this, the vastness of Equestrian coffers has prevented a full on depression, and is closer to recession. As a result, their money printers are running hot trying to keep up- but despite this, you can only inflate your currency so much when you’re on a gold standard.

Not only that, but a lot of money is going towards a sort of secret police, consisting of regular citizens who report Anti-Equestrian behavior. They currently pay them in gold, but who knows how long Equestria can keep that up? But considering the skyrocketing incarceration rate in Equestria and the labor camps being created to support this prison population, ponies may very well start being paid in grain in the near to far-ish future. And of course, these labor camps were created after weakening the nobility by increasing the power of the crown. Because of the clear state of emergency surrounding them, in what I believe to be an unironically good move, Twilight granted Parliament the right to vote to seize land from the nobility to use as they saw fit.

Adding to the dumpster fire, when the nobility fought back, they found themselves facing the same treatment as the commoners they’ve been working so hard to oppress! Something that, when Glimmer heard the news of, she started busting out laughing. But that’s not even starting with the corpo’s. A lot of Equestrian companies are filing for bankruptcy and some industries are in the process of being nationalized to protect them from going under.

A bunch of CEO’s tried to immigrate to Griffonia early on, many of such applications were denied. I made it clear from day one that we are not a tax haven. I set up a couple immigration checkpoints in the busier ports a few years ago, and they’ve been serving me well. The basic stuff- name, occupation, past criminal records, reason for entering the Syndicate, a check for disease.

No passport? That’s fine, the boat you came from should be heading back soon enough. If not, we’ll get you a boat. Oh, you're sick? Don’t worry, we'll let you stay in one of our quarantine wards until you're healthy enough to sail. Jorji, that passport is drawn up in crayon. We can’t risk (openly) accommodating wanted criminals within the borders of our great nation.

Glory to the Syndicate!

Anyways… Barnyard Bargain’s is doing okay, just not as good as it should. It’s like a Walmart, or a K-mart; because of the sheer size of Bargain’s, as well as the steady profits from the Griffonian branch, Ol’ Daddy Rich has a bit of a safety net. As Rich told me, Bargain’s is, and I quote, “Not meeting my high expectations and falling behind on the standards which made my company so great.” Which is about as much of a generic corporate response as I’ve ever heard.

Side note- Glimmer has gotten into… a couple of ideological debates with my father-in-law at the dinner table, which Dee and I find hilarious. They’re so opposed politically that they could get into an argument as to which foot you start walking with. All the meanwhile, Trixie is always getting flustered by trying (and failing) to get her wife to calm down and eat her dinner.

Not gonna lie- during a private conversation I accidentally let slip to Glimmer that were it not for the fact that my wife loved him, I’d have had him whacked for insubordination. I almost backpedaled on that statement, wondering if it was too much… but she laughed. Then she went to joke about how Anastasia would miss her Grampa if he took a dirt nap; I couldn’t help but smile.

I’ve been trying to instill in her the mindset of It’s just business since day one, and I think it’s starting to pay off. When you’re even adjacent to the business, you become desensitized to it. That’s why a lot of these innocent wives that married into the family (back on Earth) just became numb to it all. The death, the killing, the greasiness- it’s just something to be expected. Your husband gets pinched, just stay calm and carry on. Your husband gets whacked, you cry at his funeral and hope your kids don’t meet the same fate, if they haven’t already. Actually if your husband gets whacked, you gotta be paranoid for a while that you might be next… but that’s not part of this metaphor.

Despite this… Glimmer feels different, somehow. When I was introducing her to my Crew on a saturday evening, she had this glimmer in her eyes… pun not intended. But I could tell- she was watching how the crowd moved for me, how the suck-ups had to be held back by the bouncers. I’d tip a fat wad of bills to every employee in the joint that so much as moved a drink in my direction and not even wait for a response before I’m back to what I was doing. Groups of fellow socialites gifted our table ludicrously expensive bottles of booze until I had to tell everyone to knock it off before we ran out of table space.

At one point (Before she got wasted and started ranting socialist rhetoric like a teenager that snuck into a college bar and had too much to drink) she turned to me and whispered, “This is amazing!”

And I just straight up told her, whispering back that I thought “For us, any other way to live is nuts. Those goody-good people who work shit jobs and worry about bills like good citizens are suckers. They got no balls; but if we want something, we take it. When King Grover sent us out to fight in his name, he never expected his entire army and people to turn on him.”

And that was the truth of it all. And if anyone complains twice, they get hit so bad that, honest to fuck, they never complained again.

God. Writing that made me think of Maria somehow and… Ugh. No. Not thinking about her again. She’s gone, and there’s nothing I can do. Distraction. Distraction.

Diamond Tiara. My beloved.

As for her, we’ve all been excited for another baby. Mamma was always happy to have another around and Rich seemed pleased that his daughter was gonna have a foal of her own. In fact, I’ve been thinking about the foal to distract my mind from Maria.

She decided to ask Emmie because he’s probably our closest (male) pony friend. He’s been living in Griffonia for a good five years now, as I’ve essentially been funding his research into the occult, along with Tony who had recently been engaged with my friend. As it turns out, they hit it off real fast when I first introduced them. They stuck around that pizza joint until they closed and Tony invited Emmie to stay at his house, which was just down the road.

The rest is history. Very, very gay history. But as for my wife- when she finally was able to build up to the question, Emmie answered with, and I quote:

“I’m afraid not! As a magician with a vast knowledge of the cosmos, my power would evaporate upon being sullied by the touch of a mare!” If you thought I was a wiseass, you’ve never met Mind’s Eye. My wife was heartbroken for barely a second before she groaned and rolled her eyes, and Emmie clarified- “I’m… not sure if I want to say yes… but I’m absolutely open to the idea!”

Emmie, being engaged and fruiter than an apple tree, understandably didn’t want to bang my wife. Conversely- Dee, being married and fruitier than a peach tree, didn’t want to bang Emmie directly. To be honest, the only reason she joined Adrian and I that time was because I was there. As a result- we decided that artificial insemination was the route to go.

And so, it was decided. Tony has no problem with his future husband being Godfather to my wife’s child, as they already see Anastasia as a niece. She especially loves it when her Uncle Em takes the time to teach her little factoids of ancient Griffonian lore, and the awesome dreamscape scenes painted by her Uncle Tony serve to captivate her imagination; and speaking of these scenes, I’ve started calling the dreamy city from which they originated Carcosa, for the lack of a better name.

But I digress. We all entered a verbal agreement where at any point before my wife goes into heat, if any of us had second thoughts on the matter, we were to speak up. I didn’t think it would be an issue, though; for Emmie’s part, all he has to do is play the role of power bottom to his spouse and aim for the cup.

As for Dee, her preparations were just as light. She was given a draught of boiled and distilled silphium to promote fertility, and a group of unicorn doctors were hired specifically to take care of my wife throughout the process. She had it all planned out- one of our guest bedrooms was converted into a tiny maternity ward; we even had to knock down a wall and use another guest room because of all the emergency equipment. The head doctor, a unicorn named Dr Feel Good, does not moonlight as a porn star despite the obvious name.

Just thought I'd bring that up.

Apparently, the hospital isn’t good enough for her. I think my wife may be a little high maintenance.

But before we started any of that stuff, Emmie did warn us: his eye was the result of birth defect, possibly a mutation of sorts before he was born. But according to my wife, Eh, if he’s not worried then I’m not worried.

Fair enough.

But while that was going on, I was at a rally; this one marking the reformation of the Griffonian education system. It had been going on for years at this point, while propaganda and (definitely not biased) studies convinced the people to rally up in support. But that’s not to say I’m not confident that my reformations will work; on the contraire, I’m so confident in its efficacy that I just had to make sure the majority was on board. But then again- that’s just good practice and planning.

You gotta ease the people into the sweeping reforms, you know?

The rally was just blowing a bunch of smoke up people’s asses before the school year started. Like a sort of, Hey! School year’s almost starting, sign your kids up! It’s free! Aren’t I so great?? Aren’t I? Oh, also. Sign your kids up, I’m not giving you the choice. Seriously. And they better be caught up on their vaccines! If my baby gets the bird flu, I will be immensely pissed.

Or something like that.

That’s right- primary school, being first grade through twelfth, is absolutely free! Paid for by other sources, of course; nothing’s free, after all. Believe me, I know that better than anyone. As it turns out, when you properly tax the rich, your national coffers are all the more lined with gold. Who would’ve thought? But besides that, I have a plan that’s been years in the making which will make me a very wealthy woman. It’s a big score, one that’ll make Lufthansa look like a fuckin’ gas station robbery in the projects.

Not telling, of course!

Anyways… that’s not all we changed. For example: Elementary school. It is, I believe, one of the most important stages of development in life. It’s where they get to dip their toes into a separate, independent life after spending five years under constant guidance from their parents.

The parent(s) teach you the basics: how to talk, the simplest forms of mathematics and grammar. You teach their primordial, animalistic brain how to present themself as you teach them about how polite society functions. You let them participate in your local culture, and try your best to answer the million-and-one questions they’ll inevitably have about their new world. Then, at five, they get sent to school.

The day goes from 9AM to 5PM. I think that's more than fair-it'll give the kids a little extra time to sleep. Plus, 9-5 is the most common type of shift. But even still- through the unions,it's pretty easy to get the time off, paid, to make sure your kid gets to school on time; coupled with the bus routes set up all over the city just for the students, I doubt attendance will be an issue.

In elementary school, lifelong bonds may be formed. It’s where you learn to truly co-operate with your peers to find your place in the world. My reforms were designed to heavily emphasize this fact as students are encouraged to work together to find answers. There’s only so much you can do with elementary- a lot of it consists of memorizing the most basic fundamentals of various subjects. Basically- you can’t make a bunch of kids sit and read a dictionary, obviously. But what you can do is make them get together and read a colorful book full of pictures and easy words, and allow them to learn subconsciously. Not only that- but a heavy emphasis on life experiments, hands-on experiences, and semi-regular field trips serve to stimulate their brains and keep their attention.

As for secondary school, consisting of grades 5-12, a lot of these ideas still stuck and were adapted for the more advanced students. For many kids, book learning is not their forte, and I don’t blame them. When I was in prison, I read and learned for the lack of anything better to do. Here, I read a fuckton, as it was necessary for understanding the world around me.

But why does it all have to be so clinical and boring? Don’t just read about the collapse of the Zebra age; encourage the students to picture what it felt like to be alive at the time, watching their world fall apart around them. Take them on field trips to the sites and monuments of our most ancient civilizations. Don’t just tell the kids what happens when you mix different compounds and chemicals; show them what happens! Don’t teach the kids about bacteria and disease with a bunch of flat chalk drawings- take them to your school’s theater room and show them one of the many colorful animations made specifically as a teacher's aid.

And those cartoons? We went all out. It was one of the first ideas I put forward early on that was met with near-unanimous agreement. For the past five or so years we’ve had animators, educators, and entertainers working together full-time to create educational short films; many of which may or may not contain “”subtle”” propaganda.

Hell, there’s even a series on the founding of the Syndicate depicting me and my friends, along with the plot that allowed the syndicate to form… voiced by me! It was presented as a sort of documentary for kids, with animated versions of Dee and I answering questions they might have, or elaborating on certain things. There was also an entirely different version made for high-school. It’s a lot more honest about the darker aspect and filmed live-action, but glossed over the… extent of civilian life lost.

These decisions weren’t just made by me, of course. I actually had a council formed consisting of teachers and educators throughout the syndicate, and there were a lot of open forums and invitations sent out to discuss the matter. But the bottom line is, quite frankly… the smart kids of today make the cool shit of the future. Need I say more?

As for colleges and trade schools, we decided to keep them privatized but to regulate them heavily. It’s almost like a union, but for students. If they have an issue, they send their complaints and petitions up the usual channels. You know how at a lot of colleges, they make you buy books every year even though little changed? Yeah, fuck that. If I wasn’t dating a rich girl in college, Id’ve been fucked.

But generally, I left the colleges alone. They’re institutions that are based on interest; Someone who doesn’t like animals won’t go to college to learn animal husbandry, you know? As a result of this, it would likely be too detrimental to subject the colleges to such strict standardization. One thing we will be monitoring, however, are tuition fees. Obviously we’ve been monitoring them from day one; what I mean is, I’d like to make it so that in the future, tuition fees can be adjusted based on demand. Right now, tuition in practical engineering and the sciences are particularly cheap to encourage as many bright minds as possible to try for entry; on the contraire, tuition in fields such as history, philosophy and the arts have been bumped up a bit.

While I have great respect for artists, philosophers, and historians, I simply have no use for them right now. If the Census Bureau is correct, there’s gonna be a massive increase in the labor pool in a couple years; ammonia fertilizer has brought the price of fresh foods down, and combined with the economy finally having been un-fucked, Griffonia experienced quite the baby boom. But the bottom line is, blue collar work is respectable, difficult, and takes very little brain power. You can train a bunch of guys to read a blueprint; but it takes years of dedication and practice to actually engineer the project.

Of course, there’s also another reason I lined the education reform up with the baby boom; simply put, I would be remiss to not take advantage of all those soft, impressionable brains. The schools are full of Syndicate iconography; my flag was flown in every classroom and in the morning, the children recited a pledge.

Not gonna lie, I can’t remember how it went; but generally, it was about swearing undying loyalty to your Don and country, yadda yadda, don’t fuck around and don’t find out type shit.

Even better, anti-syndicalist behavior and ideas are monitored, reprimanded, and very much illegal. Hopefully, all the good-government bullshit will convince a few kids to rat out their parents.

This was one of the many things not voted on by committee. I’m not a teacher, but I’m damn good at planning; which is to say, I have a lot of ideas for these schools. In addition to all the propaganda designed to make me look good, I’ve also pushed for the implementation of life skill classes.

Every day, there will be a period dedicated to a particular monthly subject called Life Skills; important skills like cooking, driving, and firearms instruction among other things. For primary school, however, these classes are a bit different. They’re Safety Skills; rather, they’re formatted as an instruction class, these classes serve as PSA’s to keep them safe in this rapidly-changing world.

As for these safety classes, I thought it best to go the route of honest truth on the various subjects. For example, Firearms Knowledge and Safety. It goes over how guns work, how effective they are, and how incredibly dangerous they are… if you don’t know what you’re doing. Negligent discharges happen, but they can almost always be avoided. It was funny- in some of the test runs we did to gauge how entertained the kids were, we discovered they loved watching us shoot watermelons. So we said to them- If you’re ever cleaning your gun, always check the chamber! Otherwise, you’ll end up like mister watermelon!

After the class we had them take a short quiz to determine who was paying attention to the actual lessons and who was just watching watermelons pop all afternoon, and I have to say- I was quite pleased with the results. Of course, we had all kinds of other classes- stop drop and roll, how to properly talk to cops, phone and calculator usage, all kinds of shit!

But what we really leaned into, aside from firearms, were the anti-drug campaigns aimed at teenagers in the middle of their school career. Once again, we went the path of brutal honesty- show the kids the dangers of drugs to scare them, but don’t turn your example into a caricature. Teach them about how drug tolerance works. Tell them how truly easy it is to get hooked on that junk. A lot of the time what we’ll do is we’ll bring in ex-junkies to tell their story. The teens look on in disgust and horror at how this seemingly typical griffon got so desperately hooked on opium that he started freelance hookin’ just to stay high and homeless. What? They’re teens. They know what sex is, believe me.

Source: I was a teenager once, who interacted with many other teenagers my age, on more than one occasion. Hell, I lost my v-card at 14 to, of all the fucking ponies in Ponyville, fucking Twist. We were extremely drunk at a party and I lost some random ass bet, and she made me promise to teach her how to kiss. I said Made, but realistically, her pudgy ass couldn’t do shit to me. But regardless, one thing led to another and next thing I know, I’m waking up with a pounding headache cuddled up against the fuckin lamest girl in school.

Sex… Education. We also have that, right around when they’re (supposed to be) hitting puberty. Originally, I’d never thought about that… then Mamma made a great point one night. She said- “Maybe they should be taught about safe sex practices?”

At first I gave her a look that said I’m sorry, huh? But then she said, “While it worked out wonderfully for me and I wouldn’t have it any other way… I remember, there were quite a few girls in my school who had their lives ruined by an unexpected pregnancy.”

We talked more than that, but I realized- she was absolutely right. And while it wouldn’t have been as easy to avoid in her day, advances in synthetic rubber technology have improved more than just tires; among other things, it’s finally feasible to wrap up a griffonian barbed dick in a thin membrane of rubber. That’s what all my hard work was for- so that for the first time in history, griffons don’t have to slum it with whatever animal skins they could wrap their dick in.

Snrk.

But anyways-

Look. I get it. It sounds bad- out of context, it sounds like they’re being taught how to have sex, or where to find drugs, or how to shoot someone with a gun… but here’s the thing. If I can convince some kid, a single kid even, to just call a cab instead of wrapping his car around a tree on the way from the bar, it’ll be worth it. If only a single kid bothers to check the chamber of Daddy’s hunting rifle before cleaning it, it’ll be worth it. If a single kid stops his parents from jaywalking and forces them to look both ways, it’ll be worth it. If a single teenager stops in the middle of the heat of passion to put on a condom, which are available judgment-free and literally-free from their school, and uses the would-be child support money to go on to college, it will be well worth the awkward conversations at home.

It’s like elementary school for wiseguys! The Golden Rule is not Treat others how you wish to be treated. The Syndicate’s Golden Rule is If you throw a punch, don’t be surprised to receive a punch. It’s a family friendly version of fuck around and find out, and I think it’s beautiful. This is the lesson I hope to instill deep down into every griffonian citizen- Stay out of trouble and don’t fuck around, and you’ll live the good life.

I could go on and on about how these schools will better emphasize mental health and independence. I want the kids to feel like they’re important, that their voices matter to those above them. I want them to look forward to going to school every day, to learn in a safe, supportive environment. And I know my solutions are hardly catch-all solutions. Some kids just don’t find learning to be fun or interesting, or a lot of them may still struggle with math and whatnot. I get it!

But what I’m trying to avoid is using the same awful school system that, I believe, failed me and many others on Earth. I honestly resent my lack of basic education as a human. It’s a travesty; those fuckers made history boring! Literally, fucking history books that got donated to that prison library after it was presumably hot-potatoed through the charities and landed in the prison system, are the reason I’ve been able to build my Syndicate! I remembered falling into a kind of depression for a few years over it; if the teachers had bothered to make their lessons even a little interesting, I might never have gotten slapped with that death sentence!

Note to self- Prison reform. Gotta look into it sometime.

But back to schools- there’s also the Census Bureau, created in semi-secret. Basically, the idea is to covertly profile every future Griffonian citizen and store them in various bunkers throughout the land. Things like anti-syndicate sentiments are not just punished; they’re put into their record, if it’s serious enough. This record, in the future, will be accessible to the various unions for interview purposes.

If someone has a heavy streak of anti-syndicalist behavior, it may make it difficult to gain employment. But generally speaking, public outcry for my actions have been shockingly minimal; whistleblowers tend to disappear rather quietly, after all. And besides, who wants to fight the status quo? This was a fucking military coup, and no single griffon is dumb enough to try anything… and those that do?

Hoo, boy…

That aside, there’s one more thing I have my Census guys working on; all students that are above 18 must take a yearly physical. You know- determine their weight, strength, size, diseases or deformities, what have you. The kind of stuff you’d want to know before implementing compulsory military service, after all. But that’s still a few years away.

All this to say… Anastasia’s starting school soon. And as much as I want her to be my baby forever, she’s getting older. It makes me, and the rest of the family, quite sad knowing she won’t be around the house as often; but despite the temporary heartbreak, I know it’ll be good for her. I met the love of my life and one of my best pony friends in school, and I refuse to deprive her of that opportunity.

---

I was in my office, and the 7-o-clock sun filtered through the silently swaying drapes of an open window. Smoke from a recently-quenched cigarette gently wafted out of the room as I made sure my outfit was straight. Instead of being behind my desk, I was sitting in one of the other chairs in the room, with another directly next to it.

I was about to have a sit down; a very important one, at that. It was so serious and private that I didn’t even have Ross or Adrian here.

“Door’s unlocked.” I said from the comfortable armchair. This is it. It’s finally happening. The door creaked open, and Anastasia walked in with an equally serious expression. “Sit down. We gotta talk.”

She did as I asked, sitting in the armchair next to me. Her deadly serious, almost commanding facial expression resembled one I can often find in my own mirror. I taught her well, and I never bothered hiding the darker aspects of the family business from her.

“You think you’re ready?” I asked her, voice full of apprehension.

Anastasia smirked. “No, I know I’m ready!” She said, voice full of pride and confidence. She is a very smart girl, but at the same time more hot headed than I; something that in time, I hope to curb.

I put a hand to my beak, acting like I was absorbed in thought. I hid my smile behind my beak as I beheld her somewhat nervous face. “Tell ya’ what. We’ll do a preliminary exam to see if you’ve been listening when I talk.”

Annie smiled. “What you wanna know?” she had a sly tone in her voice that told me maybe I have, maybe I haven’t. Guess you’ll find out?

I just clicked my tongue, glancing off to the side. “Let’s… say…” I trailed off somewhat, thinking of an example. “Say some kid tries shoving you around. Now what?” Without even skipping a beat, she told me she would-

“Shove him back, hard enough for him to hit the ground.” I nodded, but I wasn’t done yet.

“Let’s say he comes back with friends. Then what?” I asked her, and she clicked her tongue.

“Get… my friends together, preferably outnumbering the kid.” She didn’t have to elaborate on what to do next, as she already said it once.

“What if he has more friends than you? Then what?” She took a few moments to formulate her response, but I was alright with that. I assured her she could take all the time she needed to think about the situation. But as soon as I said that, her rapid eye movements told me she was piecing it all together, and she gasped.

“I dunno!” She yelled, spreading her arms wide. “At this point, I’d either try to talk ‘em down or go to one of my bodyguards!” I’ll be honest, I burst out laughing.

“Annie, Annie…” I said, my laughter dying down. “That’s not… exactly the answer I was looking for, but it’s still a valid answer. It shows you think outside the box.” I ruffled her head feathers and chuckled. “Speaking of which- when you punch someone, where do you aim?”

She rolled her eyes at me like I’d just asked her what color the sky was. She balled her fist and gently rested her knuckles right over the decking-zone on the lower jaw. That’s where you wanna go for in a fight because you’re more likely to knock someone out that way.

Call me a terrible mother, I don’t give a fuck. But I will never let my daughter get fucked around when I’m not there to protect her. But I was on to another line of questioning.

“Okay, let’s say… In class, if they try to teach you anything that contradicts something I taught you, you…?” I had a wide grin on my face, one which my daughter matched. We each took in a breath and belted out the answer.

“Fuhgeddaboutit!” I couldn’t help but scooping her into my arms, squeezing her close. For context- some of the details on the curriculum have been changed or straight up censored to make me look better.

I set her back down on the couch and ruffled her headfeathers. “Alright, alright, you know what you’re doin’. Just remember what I told you. Be kind to your peers, but don’t be weak. And if your kindness is mistaken for weakness?”

“Make an example!” she shouted her answer instantly, and I fist-bumped her. Then, I wrapped a wing around her back and gently led her off the chair, the two of us heading to the door, side by side.

“Okay, ya’ little gremlin. Let’s get you somethin’ to eat and we’ll head out.” I said casually, and my baby nodded, giving me a quick Okay, Mamma!

On the way out, I stopped with my hand still on the doorknob. I let out a deep sigh and turned to my daughter, looking into her big, amber eyes. “Someday, Annie…” I said to her, using an arm to gesture around the room with a nostalgic smile. “Someday, you’ll be calling the shots around here. You’ll have a bunch of loyal pals of your own and the wealth of the nation behind you.” But the nostalgic smile morphed into one of genuine seriousness. “But that respect has to be earned. Never resort to your fists before anything else, capiche?”

With a wide smile, she said- “I know, Mamma!” She’s a smart kid. I trust her, signified by me playfully slapping her on the back.

“Let’s eat, I’m starvin’” I mused aloud, and my daughter's rumbling tummy agreed.

We went downstairs and enjoyed the breakfast Mamma cooked for us, consisting of eggs, hash browns, bacon, sausage, toast made from fresh bread with strawberry jam, orange juice and some actually good coffee. The potatoes were fried in fat left by the bacon, and let me tell you; it’s like an orgasm of the mouth. It was just direct family at the table, as we often did when we wanted privacy. Besides- all the rooms have their own tables set up and Tonio is more than happy to just bring their food up on trays. I mean, it’s not like it’s difficult. We had an extra-spacious dumbwaiter used to bring up multiple trays of food or other things; instead of Tonio making a couple trips up and down stairs, he only has to do one. We actually had to keep the thing locked for a while because Anastasia would hide in it.

“Hey, Mamma.” I said with a smug grin. “Remember my first day of school when I had a bowl of cereal?” Mamma rolled her eyes while we all shared a laugh. That’s basically how breakfast went; most of us sitting around chatting about all the good times.

We were heading out a bit early to get to the school before everyone else did, but there was only one problem; I couldn’t find my keys!

“Anyone seen ‘em?” I asked, checking between the couch cushions. Dee was rooting through drawers when Annie laughed and said-

“Did you check where you last left ‘em?” One of the best skills I’ve learned is how to tell someone not to do something, without directly telling them not to. Just as it works on adults, my baby is able to pick up on subtext surprisingly well.

“You wanna know somethin’, Anastasia?” Her giggling stopped immediately, recognizing my tone and usage of her entire name. She nervously glanced around, trying to avoid eye contact. “I never understood why people ask that. If I remembered, I wouldn’t have to look for them, would I?” I put a hand to her shoulder and regarded her with a smile. “I feel like it insults my intelligence, you know?”

After a few moments, she made eye contact and nodded. “I get it, Mamma! I’m sorry…” I just chuckled, ruffling her feathers again.

“Honey, don’t be sorry, just don’t do it again. You just gotta think about your words; sometimes, people get the wrong impression.” She nodded rapidly.

“Of course, Mamma!” I gave her a quick atta girl! Before resuming the search for my keys.

Turns out, I left them in the car last night. Fucks sakes.

I was driving Annie to school, Dee riding shotgun and Annie buckled in the back seat. We just shared stories about our experiences with school, and I think we blew her mind when we told her that her Mommy and I met in school. It was all so long ago now. It’s strange, really. Somedays, I get the feeling that it all happened just last week. Twenty-five years is, paradoxically, excruciatingly long and mind-bendingly fast.

The new elementary school was state of the art for the modern era, and I was quite happy that Anastasia had the opportunity to experience it. It was a decent sized building, being built of red brick and standing two floors tall. The white frame and small-paned windows contrasted wonderfully with the black tiled roof, with a rounded pantheon-esque dome on top, the bell nestled just beneath; Adjacently disconnected and constructed in a similar style were the library and gymnasium buildings, all of which had accommodations for the many diverse students attending grades one through six.

There were two other buildings on the school ground, the least notable of which was a large utilitarian bus depot; the simply plain structure, rectangular and protected by a tin roof with a nearby mechanics garage, was strategically placed behind a small “fence” of trees, so it wouldn’t contrast heavily with the picturesque architecture of the main campus.

Depending on who you ask, perhaps the most significant monument was a sort of “trial run” for the aptly-named Carcosan Style of architecture, based on the awesome dreamscapes within Tony’s head. It was the auditorium, the inside of which was filled with all the amenities and niceties of a modern theater, with acoustic panelling and roof shape, comfortable audience seating, configurable stage, and climate control. The whole thing was made with the idea that all the schools in the city could essentially “book” appointments for concerts, plays, and that sort of stuff. The external façade, however, was something entirely different from anything I’ve ever seen outside of drawings.

It gave off the impression of something ancient juxtaposed with something futuristic. Ancient, in its resemblance to a Greek temple, being a large rectangular structure of ornately plastered trimming on the roof and corners, with ginormous stone blocks making up the majority. But these bricks were far from ordinary; they were tan, shaped like an arched “eight” made of flat lines. The corner plaster was carved with patterns on the bottom resembling burning flame; the top of the corners was a carved rainstorm. The columns were made from cylindrical stones cut in such a way that they interlock by tightly “screwing” into each other; so instead of being made of discs of stones which can move out of place over time, they should stay defiantly locked in place for millenia. And surmounting the entire structure was the semi-flat triangular roof, It having had the most detail put into it. It was carved beautifully as a relief consisting of the classical Yellow Sign in the center; to the left were depictions of the various subspecies of griffons, and to the right in the same order were the avians which most closely resemble our progenitors.

Whatever it originally represented has been lost to time. Whether Carcosa is even a real place on Equus, or if the architecture and location were even called Carcosa, is totally up to speculation among the very few people that know its origin. That didn’t matter, though; now, it represented a united Griffonian cultural identity. It’s about a people that endured hardship together via teamwork and cooperation. It means we can do anything we put our mind to- not for fun, but to improve the lives of untold millions. It wasn’t Nalotian, Northumbrian, Catlian, Corvinian, or even Fertilian; It was Griffonian, and it was marvellous.

However, earlier I stated depending on who you ask for a reason. To Anastasia, the most important architectural feat wasn’t the school or even the alien auditorium; rather, most important were the large indoor and outdoor playgrounds, where she’ll have an hour a day to eat her lunch and play with her friends. I don’t blame her, though.

We were pulled up outside the building to let Anastasia out and give her a hug and kiss goodbye.

“You’ll have fun, baby.” My wife assured her, wrapping a hoof around her back. Unlike me on my first day, she didn’t seem nervous at all.

“Stay safe and stay out of trouble, ya’ hear?” I asked her, pulling her in for a hug and kissing her on the forehead.

“I know, Mamma!” she said, excitedly sprinting towards the entrance of the auditorium as the bell rang out, her saddlebags bouncing up and down with her lucky yo-yo, clipped to the side. We gave her that for her recent birthday, and she’s brought it everywhere since. “Bye Mommy, bye Mamma! Love you!”

“Love you too, baby! Try and learn somethin’ while you’re there!” I yelled back to her as Dee wrapped a hoof around my back. I heard her sniffle and wrapped both my arms around her.

“Come on, honey. Let’s get to the car.” But despite being nearly brought to tears, I could tell she was happy; after all, she’d be going into heat soon and we all were excited about that… not for perverted reasons, but because that’s her best opportunity to get pregnant… that still sounds oddly perverted, somehow.

Bottom line is, my wife wants a foal, and by fuck she will get a foal. But, you know- it won’t be by fuck, since we’re doing it artificially through… ah, you get the idea. For now, though, I was gonna head home. Dee and Trixie were going out to get their hooves polished, so Glimmer figured that she could try to finish her most recent work.

The wheels are turning, and I’m very excited to see where the road leads from here.

Addicted To Love

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At around 10:00 AM, things were quiet in my office. My schedule was relatively calm, thank fuck; the benefit of being able to do business above ground is you don’t have to schedule a sitdown for every minor issue, rather doing it over the phone. I don’t gotta worry about wiretaps, I am the fed! And if you think I’m sloppy about the security of my private communications, don’t worry- you wouldn’t be the first poor bastard to make that same mistake.

I still often have to have sit downs when the severity of the matter calls for it. Meetings like those I often have Adrian or Roscoe with me for protection and advice, along with my off-the-books consigliere wife. But for personal business and other small matters, the phone is fine. Lately I’ve been having Glimmer join me for these as I’ve found she often has genuinely great advice, especially for interpersonal matters.

“‘Ey, it’s Leona. Put Ace on the phone.” I spoke into the brass telephone clearly and concisely. I had no problems with the receptionist, ya know? “Sure thing, take your time.”

The phone was real nice; much lower profile than the candlestick ones, since the receiver and the speaker were all one assembly, which rested atop a mahogany cradle with a rotary dial. Growing up in the 60’s, I honestly took for granted how advanced technology had become since before my time there; Stuff like this is to Griffonia what tin was to the bronze age. And much like bronze, this phone was heavy- I can use it to beat someone if I have to!

“Ace speaking, what can I do for ya’?” from the way he spoke, I could hear a bit of apprehensiveness in his voice. Glimmer was jotting down notes on the nearby recliner, and her twitching ear told me she could hear the speaker. I wasn’t worried, though.

“How come you kicked my Mamma outta the casino last night? She was very upset, and I wanted to know why.” I also wondered why I was wasting my time with this nonsense too.

“Leona, she was bangin’ cocktail waitresses two at a time! Players couldn’t get a drink at the tables, it’s constant! Last night, she tried to go for four, that’s when I had to have her kicked out!” I groaned under my breath, rubbing the bridge of my nose.

“Why wouldn’t she mention that to me?” I asked without thinking about it.

“... why would she admit that to you?” He spoke frankly, and it pissed me off.

“Don’t be a smartass!” I yelled into the receiver, “The fuck, are you sayin’ my Mamma’s a whore!?”

“That’s not-!”

“I oughta come down myself and kick-!” I started, before feeling a hoof firmly grab my arm from beside my desk.

“Hey!” her voice was stern, almost commanding respect. “Calm down. Let’s talk before you do something rash.” I glared at her, trying to get her to back off; but surprisingly, she didn’t budge.

I let out a heavy sigh, I shook my head and spoke calmly into the phone. “Stay put. I’ll call back in fifteen.”

Click

I pulled out my pocket watch, wound it a couple turns, and took mental note of the time, cocking an eyebrow. She wants me to hear her out? Fine.

“Have you considered that your mother might have a problem?” I kept my glare up, gritting my beak. I didn’t like what I was hearing, and it pissed me off. She let out a groan, rolling her eyes and slumping back into her chair. “Leona, I’m trying to help you, and I’m not gonna do that if you don’t drop the ‘tough boss’ shtick.”

That took either a lot of balls or a lot of stupidity. Only two people have ever spoken back to me like that, being my mother and my wife. Glimmer didn’t even look afraid, rather just annoyed; the only possible hint to the fact being her tensed shoulders. Honestly? I admired it.

“Lansky told Luciano to go fuck himself before they became lifelong friends.” I said with a wide grin, watching as Glimmer's tense shoulders finally fell. “I admire your honesty. I’ll bite- what’s on your mind?” I spoke genuinely with a relaxed voice as Glimmer sighed.

“Banging four women at once is not healthy behavior, Leona.” I just shrugged, rolling my eyes.

“So what? She likes seein’ some action and got bored of one-on-one, I can’t help that!” If that was her entire argument, I was gonna be pissed.

“How often does she go out to that casino?” Okay, I could kind of see her point there. She spends a lot of time at the casino with her “friends.” Of course, the bodyguards assigned to her tell me what’s really going on, I just never had an issue with it.

“What’s the big deal? It’s not like she’ll catch anything, what with the whores unionizing. Mandatory testing, you know?” Way I see it, whether it’s illegal or not, prostitution is gonna happen. Might as well make sure it’s safe. “Better still- she’s an adult! And it’s not like you can get addicted to sex! If you could, I’d have OD’d long ago!” I waved her off to laugh at my own joke, until-

“Absolutely, you can get addicted to sex! Nymphomania is a very real psychological condition that-”

“Hold on, back the fuck up.” I interrupted her, my laughter being replaced with incredulity. “The fuck you mean addicted to sex? You sayin’ my Mamma’s a medically diagnosed whore?” Despite the fact that I respected her honesty, I still took offense to insult.

“Not everything’s an insult!” she yelled far louder than necessary, looking very pissed off, and I gestured for her to lower her voice. “I’m just a little concerned about that sweet woman’s mental wellbeing! You heard how he said two at a time?” she shook her head and fixed her expression, and I nodded plainly, unfortunately starting to connect the dots of inference. “She’s at that casino almost every night! Is she getting enough sleep? Is she taking the time to care for her mental health, or is that what the prostitutes are for?”

I shrugged, at a complete loss for words. “I-I don’t know, the fuck you askin’ me that for?”

“Then ask yourself- where’s she been these past several nights?” Out with her friends… oh…

I blinked, gently rubbing my temple. “O-Ok, I see what you mean. Credit where it’s due.” I groaned, rolling my eyes and gesturing to her to give me a minute. I yanked the phone off the receiver and wasted no time on the rotary dial.

“Ace? You there?” I got a quick yes ma’am as a confirmation and said, “Forget about what I said earlier. Next time Mamma’s causing any problems, call me first, then I’ll talk to her myself. Got it?”

“Loud and clear, Don Grimfeather. I apologize for the disrespect.” I just rolled my eyes.

“Apology accepted, don’t fuckin’ do it again.” I said, slamming the receiver down. I saw Glimmer's shoulders sagging, as though a weight had been removed. Honestly? I felt the same. “Well, that’s one less ass I gotta kick.” I got off my chair behind the desk and joined her on one of the armchairs to get a little closer.

“Sorry about that. If I didn’t call him back soon, he’d probably have gone on the lam!” I chuckled, nervously rubbing my hands. I sighed, finally admitting what I was afraid of. “For a woman in her forties, she can be a bit…” I didn’t wanna say anything too offensive out loud, as if Mamma were standing right behind me.

“Promiscuous?” Glimmer said, and I nodded, figuring that to be the nicest word available. “I could be wrong about it being a mental health issue, but for a woman her age, that’s-”

“Not normal, I know.” I interrupted, sighing. I rubbed the bridge of my nose and asked, “So you can get addicted to sex, same way you can with booze?” I asked, already feeling like I knew the answer.

“Similar to anything you can derive pleasure from.” I blinked, as I did recall reading something about that.

“Something, something, brain becomes dependent on the happy chemical.” My eyes widened as I remembered more of the book, “Oh yeah! One of the examples it gave was about chocolate addiction.” I said; I rolled my eyes at the same time as Glimmer, funnily enough.

“Oh, please, that example is so overplayed it’s not even funny. Literally every wine mom at the parent teacher meetings claimed they’re addicted to chocolate, underplaying the occasional very real instances of addiction!” I nodded in agreement, chuckling to myself.

“About sums it up, don’t it? First time I read that I thought That’s dumb. I know damn well what addiction looks like, and it ain’t grabbin’ candy bar every time you pop into the gas station.” I said, glancing off to the side with a slight grimace. “It’s buyin’ another bottle of booze when your family’s begging you to quit, more like.” I sighed, then I shrugged. “But anyways… sex addiction.”

It felt a little awkward asking about it, not gonna lie. I just held my arms out to tell me more, but she just looked at my hands again, all confused. I rolled my eyes and asked, “What, is there withdrawals or somethin’?”

Glimmer gave me a sort of half-shrug. “Depends, really. With some psychological addiction, you can experience symptoms like irritability, nausea, that sort of stuff. Unlike physical dependence, as in the cases of substance abuse, sex withdrawal shouldn’t make your organs shut down, especially if it hasn’t been long term.” Well, that was good to hear, at least. I lit a cigarette, slumping back in my chair. Glimmer used her magic to crack the window, which I thanked her for.

“So… so how do I know it’s an actual problem? Maybe she just likes a good time?” I said, still having my doubts.

Glimmer tilted her head side-to-side, half shrugging. “Maybe, maybe not? You can just talk to her about it, you know.” she said like it was the most obvious fucking thing in the world. I just groaned while face-palming.

“Oh, why didn’t I think of that! Hey, Ma! Any particular reason you can’t go a single night without getting your holes plugged?” Glimmer blushed, looking off to the side while I huffed, “I mean, where would this’ve come from, anyway?”

“You mean, why she feels the need to act so promiscuously?” She tilted her head in thought. “Off the top of my head, possible self-image issues come to mind. She could be doing it to seek validation, perhaps?” I shook my head at that suggestion. Then she proposed- “Could be how she copes with some unresolved trauma?”

At the utterance of the word trauma, I felt a chill down my spine. I heard Mamma’s voice in my head- For fucks sakes, I’m still seeing that every time I close my eyes! Maria. It’s always back to Maria.

“It’s… definitely possible.” I muttered, rubbing my chin. “Still- to me, this feels like a recent development… I dunno. I’ll talk to her later.” I finally resolved, wondering just what else I’ve fucked up. To make matters worse, Glimmer was giving me this smug grin.

“The fuck you lookin’ at?” I asked frankly, causing her to giggle. She just shrugged playfully.

“Oh, I was just thinking to myself it’s about time you figured it out!” I was about to tell her to go fuck herself; then I paused briefly to think of the ramifications of telling a friend to go fu… ohhh… I was thoroughly impressed by this apparent mind game, and it reflected in the faint smile.

“It should be obvious; but now that you’ve pointed it out, I feel like a fucking moron.” I sighed, glancing off to the side. “Ace is a good friend and one of the best casino managers I’ve ever worked with. Guy takes his job so fuckin serious, every morning he checks to see if all the muffins have an equal amount of blueberries or not; he’s a great fuckin’ guy, it’d be a shame to lose him.” but that smug grin never left.

“Aaaaaaaand? What did you learn?” she held her hooves out, expecting an answer; I just rolled my eyes.

“That my mother’s probably seen more action than I have without even trying?” she facepalmed and I started laughing. “What- d’ya want one of them uhh… friendship essays Twilight used to write?” she groaned, rubbing the bridge of her nose. “I dunno! The uh… the problem isn’t always obvious?” I guessed, feeling a bit exasperated.

She clacked her hooves together and yelled out, “EXACTLY! Never jump to conclusions, and try to find the root cause!” She had a massive smile on her face, looking genuinely excited. “When you first called, you just assumed that Ace was the problem, right?”

I just shrugged. “I… guess so. Usually, it’s not an issue, because I’m right a lot of the time.” I said plainly, and Glimmer shook her head.

“But you weren’t, in this case! Think of it this way; if we never had this conversation, would you have ever known to check in on your mother?” After a few moments of thinking, it wasn’t hard to guess the correct answer.

“Probably… probably not, I guess.” It made me nervous, to be honest. What else was going on around me that I’m not seeing? But regardless, I was thankful. I gave her a warm smile and pulled her in for a quick hug. “Seriously. Thank you.” I said, hearing her giggles as she returned the gesture. I pulled back, giving her a look of sincerity. “In case you couldn’t tell, she’s… very important to me.” her smile faltered briefly.

“I understand. And I could be completely wrong about it being an addiction, but it’s still worth looking into; she deserves the support, at the very least.” I laughed in agreement.

“No kidding! I’m fuckin’ lucky to have her!” Glancing off to the side, Starlight nodded in agreement, remaining oddly silent. But when she spoke up, it was a bit of a subject change.

“Bear in mind, I’m hardly an expert; most of my knowledge is base-line, to cover a wide variety of situations.” She said, and I just snorted with a smirk.

“Jack of all trades, huh?” I playfully slapped her on the back, “School librarian by day, Marksist revolutionary by night?” She huffed, crossing her arms and rolling her eyes.

“I was not the librarian, I was-”

RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!

“Hold that thought.” I said, interrupting her to pick up the phone. I awkwardly leaned against the bitch-side of my desk, opposite of my chair. “Leona speaking, talk to me.”

…

“...Anastasia got into a fight?” Somehow, that doesn’t surprise me.

—

I left Glimmer behind for two reasons; one, I wanted some alone time to think. The other reason was, quite frankly, this wasn’t really her business anyway. She said she’s always happy to get some writing done, though.

Anastasia sat morosely on a chair outside the counselors office, staring at the floor. Her school clothes, consisting of a white shirt with a tan vest, were missing a particular bump around one of the pockets, telling me that she got her yo-yo taken away, for some reason.

“Annie? I’m not mad.” I said, sitting next to her and wrapping a wing around her back. She looked up slowly, sniffling faintly.

“Y-you’re not?” her voice cracked, and I chuckled. Her cheeks were wet with tears as I gently used a wing to guide her off the chair. I held the office door open, wing still gently urging her forward. In front of the desk were two sets of sofas, one of which held a father and son, both of which looked terrified. The son had a large ice pack over the right side of his forehead, letting me know who won.

“Sit down, honey.” I instructed my daughter, turning to the understandably freaked out counselor. I looked her in the eye with a reassuring smile and said, “You’ll never get in trouble for doing your job right. You have nothing to be afraid of, Counselor… Adrianna.” I figured out her name from the placard on her desk and shook her hand. Then, I turned to the other parent in the room. Poor bastard was bigger than me and he was still shaking. “You, on the other hand? We’ll just wait and see. I haven’t gotten all the info yet, you know?”

As I sat down, I smirked when I saw the terrified look in his eye. But then, it hit me- I followed Glimmer’s lesson to a T! Maybe that friendship report shit isn’t total bullshit? But regardless, I had more important matters to deal with.

“N-n-now be-before we jump to-” I grit my beak and glared intensely at him, earning for me his silence. Then, with a much kinder smile, I turned to the counselor.

“You first, Counselor. Tell me why these two were pulled to the side.” She looked at me, nervously swallowing spit at my calm gaze

“They-they got into a fight…” A flat look was all I needed to hear more from her. “According to the instructor, Anastasia struck Johnni in the beak, then wrapped the string of a yo-yo around his neck before hitting him multiple times, with said yo-yo. The uh… the chaperones arrived as fast as they could to break the scuffle apart.” Presumably, Johnni was the kid who got his ass beat.

Pretty standard playground stuff, really. I turned to Anastasia and said, “Your turn. Why'd ya do it?” Instantly, without even thinking about it, she yelled out-

“Because he’s mean!” She said, throwing her arms out. “He was passing mean notes to cousin Daisy in class!”

I cocked an eyebrow. “So he insulted her?” I asked, and she nodded simply. “Where’d those notes go?” but surprisingly, she had an answer for that one, too.

“They made Daisy upset, so I threw them away!” Fair, but I could still sense an inkling of bullshit.

“Which trash can did you use?” Surely, this one will trip her up?

“I didn't use a trash can; I tore it up like confetti and threw it! But it was really windy, and they went everywhere!” Guess not.

“That’s… plausible, I suppose.” After all, it was quite windy out earlier. Shit, maybe it wasn’t bullshit? She’s given in to stranger impulses than littering, that’s for sure. Occasionally when she thinks no-one’s watching her in the backyard, she’ll start chasing her tail around. Then again, as a human kid, I used to do basically the same thing in a spinning office chair.

But I had more questioning. “Can Daisy corroborate this story?” I asked, gesturing towards the PA microphone. The counselor was flipping through some sort of book, trying to figure out which classroom Daisy was in; and all the meanwhile, Anastasia looked totally calm. She wasn’t fidgeting, glancing off to the side, nothing! No stuttering, no hesitation, not a damn thing! She saw I was looking down at her with what must have been a look of surprise; she briefly turned my way, making eye contact with a smile before returning to just blankly stare at the kid across from her, subtly cracking her knuckle joints. It's a classic- she's saying to him you better fucking hope Daisy plays along.

“There we are!” the counselor said, turning to the PA microphone.

“Ehh, that won’t be necessary.” Her finger was hovering over the button, beak wide open when I stopped her. “I mean, come on. Does she look like she’s lying?” She just gave the counselor an innocent smile and a nod.

“Ask him, if you want. You already got the truth outta me.” my baby said with a shrug. The dismissal bell rang out, and without even being prompted, the kid said-

“Y-yes! That’s what happened!” The kid said, leaning into his fathers side. “C-can I go now?” Anastasia made brief eye contact with him, causing him to flinch. I honestly kind of felt bad for the poor kid.

“Look,” I said with a sigh, rubbing my temple. “The kid learned his lesson, he should be smart enough to not do it again.” The kid and his father were nodding their heads rapidly.

“I-I appreciate your f-fairness, Don-” He started to apologize, practically running to kiss the backside of my hand. I pulled it back, and he looked up in fear.

“Just get out of my sight and make sure this doesn’t happen again.” He seemed frozen for a brief moment before nodding his head rapidly.

“Let’s go, boy.” He said to his kid, who nervously started shuffling towards the door with his father. I didn’t even look back, but I could hear him angrily whispering, “What the fuck is wrong with you!?”

“B-but Dad, I didn’t-!” the door slamming behind them cut off his pleas. I looked to the counselor and shrugged, tilting my head.

“What can ya do?” I said, using my wing to guide Annie out of her chair. “Come on, let’s go home.” I turned towards the door, but Annie spoke up.

“Wait.” She said in a sharp tone, probably learned from me. “You still have my property.” She patted the empty vest pocket, holding her hand out expectantly.

“I-I don’t think I should give it back.” She said, somewhat unsure. “Someone could have seriously gotten hurt!” She was looking at me expectantly, and I just shrugged. Way I figured, my baby could handle it.

“So? I didn’t even do anything wrong!” She defended her case, “It’s false incrimination and theft!” Once again, the counselor glanced at me for help. I just kept up a faint, neutral smile and shrugged.

“It’s her yo-yo. She has as much of a right to carry it as I do.” After glancing back and forth between my daughter and I, she finally sighed and placed the yo-yo in my daughter’s outstretched palm.

“I’m glad we could see eye to eye, Mrs. Cicci. Have a good day!” She said, a tone of childishness reappearing in her voice. It was a heavy contrast to the serious tone, probably modeled after how I carry myself… Six years old, and she’s bossing school officials around.

“Have a pleasant evening, Ma’am!” Not gonna lie, I forgot what her name was by this point. We made our leave, stalking through the empty hallways of the school. But once we got outside, though?

“It’s the yo-yo girl!” some kid yelled out, causing the group to crowd around. It felt like an elementary school perp-walk, with Anastasia’s peers shouting out questions to be cooly ignored. I’ll be honest- I knew the whole story was bullshit, but I could recognize a power grab when I saw it. If she’s anything like me, she wanted to make it very clear who was in charge of the schoolyard.

When we got in the car, she was sitting up front next to me. I looked down at her with a smile and said, “Let’s get some ice cream, sweetie. We gotta talk.” but then I smiled, leaning over the gear shift to wrap my baby in the tightest hug I could give. “Baby, I’ve never felt more proud of you.”

“Thanks, Mamma!” she returned the hug gleefully- but when we eventually separated, I held a stern look.

“But we need to have a very serious discussion.” I started to pull out of the lot, “But we’ll do it over some good gelato, how’s that sound?”

Well, of course she agreed! Didn’t mean she couldn’t express her annoyance of having to wait through her second sit down of the day, though.

“Aww, come on! I didn’t do anything wrong!” she said, and I cocked an eyebrow at her. Though I was focusing on the road, a side glance is oftentimes all you need.

“You have a very interesting case, that’s for sure.” I said, mimicking some stick-up-the-ass lawyer who just had to endure 8 hours of unfiltered chicanery. “But we’ll talk when we get there. Mamma needs to focus on driving. Radio’s yours, honey.” I ruffled her feathers, focusing on avoiding traffic. I was a good driver on highways, but city driving takes a bit more concentration for me.

I was trying to gather my thoughts on the situation, but it seemed all I could focus on was the asshole in front of me going too slow. I took this road because it was a bit longer, but avoided most of the heavier traffic. There was no one in front of him, the fuck was his excuse?

“Anastasia?” I asked her as she fiddled with the radio, looking for the rockabilly station; or as most of my peers called it, that terrible crap the kids listen to these days. But for me? I fuckin loved it! As soon as she found the station, she turned and hmm’d in response. “I’m cutting this guy off, flip him off for me.” She eagerly rolled down her window, giggling like I often do.

I shifted gears and slammed the gas, the horn making an obnoxious Aooooogaaa! Sound. We easily blew past that prick, Annie and I both giving him the finger as we passed. We were both cackling like knuckleheads as we left that prick in the dust!

… Or, tried to. Turns out, his engine does work! He actually picked up to the reasonable speed I was going, laying on his horn and flipping me off. I just rolled my eyes, mimicking the gesture of drawing my gun. My right arm outstretched towards the middle back seat, and the guy finally backed the fuck off, fearing a bullet punching through his windshield.

“I love threatening someone without a gun!” I joked with Annie, and we both laughed.

“Not as impressive as a yo-yo!” My laughter ceased immediately- and she noticed quickly, realizing it was a good idea to change the subject. But she couldn’t think of anything, and I was still driving; so instead, she quietly took her yo-yo out to inspect it. Just on a whim, I thought to ask-

“Is it alright?” She was turning it around, and I saw her grimace as her thumb ran across the aluminum surface.

“It’s dented.” She lamented as a feeling of deep concern rose up in me.

“Jesus. Lucky you didn’t draw blood.” Unsurprisingly, she snorted, rolling her eyes.

I wasn’t concerned about the fact that my daughter inherited a lot of my personality, and picked up on all the ways people can be manipulated. It’s not unheard of for griffons her age to be more mentally advanced than the human counterpart; because we’re quadrupeds, our birthing canals aren’t as restrictive as that of a human woman. As a result, Anastasia’s brain was far more developed than that of a human infant at birth, since… to be crude, our snatch can stretch more. But that biology lesson, or more like a personal theory, aside- I was concerned because I didn’t think Annie really knew the severity of what she did.

Basically, I was proud that she learned so much just by watching me at work, but she had a lot to learn. Way I saw it, it's better to talk about it now and get it over with.

For the record- I’ve never taken Annie to any “wetwork” jobs- I just occasionally take her on business meetings, so she can watch and learn. She was always happy to spend time with me, but if she wanted to stay home, I never argued with her. At most, she’s seen me strong-arm some prick, maybe I punched a guy in the face in front of her. She always got a kick out of it, though; in retrospect, maybe she went with me so much because she found it entertaining. Didn’t make me any less proud of her, but I was just a little concerned I had another Dee on my hands.

I can handle one remorseless psychopath in my life, but two? Bah, who am I kidding? I love ‘em either way!

That’s why when we got to the ice cream parlor, I let Anastasia order whatever she wanted. She got this big plate of five scoops of different gelato flavors and a giant chocolate shake; I just settled for a scoop of strawberry gelato with a cappuccino.

“So how’d school go otherwise?” I asked her, and she went on to talk about her new teachers and classmates. I figured for the first day, they wouldn’t be learning a lot. But finally, I had to ask her-

“So, tell me the truth. What happened?” I asked, and before she opened her mouth, I said- “Honey, I don’t like it when you lie to me.” I gave her a stern, flat look and she started nervously looking off to the side.

“You’re not in trouble, either way. But I want the whole truth- what did you do to that kid, and why?” We were in a secluded booth by the window- there was a decent crowd, but I wasn’t worried about anyone listening in. She was twiddling her fingers, and spoke sheepishly-

“He wanted to play with my yo-yo, and I told him it was mine!” I gestured for her to go on. “He kept asking, and I kept telling him to back off. I turned around, and he pulled my feathers!” She seemed to shrink in her seat as she admitted, “It made me really mad.”

“So he touched you first?” I said, and she nodded. “I taught you to take shit from no-one, but what you did was way outta line!” I stopped to take a breath and calm down, switching to the other side of the booth and wrapping my baby in a wing. She sniffled, and I said “I’m not mad. What you did was smart- sends a message so no one knows not to fuck with you.”

“But that’s not it!” she said, and I felt a little surprised. “He was really annoying, wouldn’t leave me alone!” she crossed her arms and hiccupped, and I saw a tear run down her cheek. I squeezed her tight- I knew she was telling the truth, finally. “S-sorry, Mamma…”

“Sweetie, it’s alright. You just gotta learn when to stop.” I said, pulling back and looking her in the eye. “A backhand slap to the cheek probably would’ve convinced him to leave you alone.” I ruffled her head feathers and explained, “You gotta dish out punishment that’s proportional to the crime, it’s how society works!”

She seemed confused and asked, “But how do I know when to stop?” I just shrugged.

“It depends, really. Like, if I was in your shoes and he started pulling my feathers, I would’ve slapped him. If that didn’t work, then I’d punch him. That doesn’t work? Then I’ll do whatever it was you did. You get it?” I explained with a smile, playfully patting her shoulder. Her neutral expression finally turned up, saying-

“I think I get it, Mamma.” I ruffled her head feathers and kissed her forehead.

“Smart girl!” I slapped her on the back, and got up to switch booths- not before sampling some of her ice cream, of course.

“Hey!” She whined, crossing her arms and giving me an adorable pout.

“What? Gotta make sure it’s not poisonous.” I had a shit-eating grin, and my daughter groaned in annoyance, understandably. She rolled her eyes and I asked- “So… how’d you do it?” She seemed confused, up until I pointed to the yo-yo in her pocket. She nodded in understanding, giggling as she explained-

“Well, I punched him in the face and swung my yo-yo around so it’d wrap itself around his neck. Then I headlocked him and started hitting him with it!” All the while, she was using her hands to gesture about how it looked. Despite how concerned it made me feel, I couldn’t help but laugh. She honestly reminded me of myself talking about the shit I’d get up to while working. “He wasn’t so whiny after that! He kept saying sharing is caring! I kept saying it’s stealing!”

We both shared laughter over her rant, and I said- “God, I can’t wait until you’re old enough to work with me.” I leaned over the table and nuzzled her forehead.

“But why can’t I work with you now?” She whined, giving me those eyes. But I just gave her the same answer I always did,

“You’re not old enough, you might get hurt.” I’ve never taken her somewhere where there was a high likelihood of a gunfight; Like I said, at most she’s seen me deck someone in the face, but never a proper beatdown. But she huffed at my response like she always did, and I resolved to focus on my ice cream.

Several spoonfuls of gelato and sips of cappuccino helped me to dampen the awkwardness of this silence between us. She just sat there, both her arms crossed glaring at me. Finally I sighed; her mood briefly upturned, but got crushed immediately.

“Honey, you can’t intimidate me with a glare. Maybe when you’re older, though.” I had a smug grin, and I assumed she would drop the subject and went to take a sip of cappuccino. I brought it up to the edge of my beak, savoring the warmth and foam-

Sniff…

Tink!

I immediately set the glass back down the second I heard Anastasia sniffle. I was on the other side of the booth before the first tears could fall, and she was in my arms.

“B-but I wanna help you, Mammaaa!” She cried into my chest and I gently ran a hand along her back. “I-I can do better, I promise!” it broke my heart seeing her like this; and as much as I wanted to say You’re breakin’ your Mamma’s heart, here! I knew it would only make things worse.

“Sweetie, it’s not that I think you won’t do a wonderful job when you get older.” I explained, sniffling a little myself. “You have so much more to learn before you’re old… no, mature enough.” She sniffled, and muttered mature?

“That’s right, sweetie.” I explained with a smile. “Believe me, I know you can handle yourself in a fight-” Against her peers, that is. I knew that, but I was trying to cheer her up, dammit! “But maturity is the ability to… to understand just how, uh… important something is.” I stuttered and paused a couple times, trying to articulate my thoughts in a manner which Anastasia could understand.

“I’m confused… what does that gotta do with me?” she pulled back, and we made eye contact, wings wrapped around her and a hand on her shoulder. I put on a serious expression, and Anastasia knew what that meant.

“Anastasia, what you did today was incredible. Not only did you make up some bullcrap story about him passing notes, you name dropped someone who had nothing to do with this as a witness, and you said it all with a straight face!” I ruffled her head feathers, eliciting a giggle from her. “I’m proud of you! I mean, I really dream of the day you’re sitting in my chair, calling the shots!” But my beaming smile curved downwards, “But there is so much more here that you’re not seeing.”

On a whim, I looked back over my shoulder to make sure everyone was minding their business. Aside from the usual glances and occasional excited whispers, the people were keeping to their own.

“I really, really don’t like being lied to, especially not from you.” I made sure to put on the mom-voice for this one, commanding her full attention, and whispered- “I get it- you saw an opportunity, and you lied to make sure you’d get off without punishment. That’s fine- I lie to people all the time, and people lie to me occasionally, it’s to be expected… Just… don’t ever lie to me with a straight face like you did in the car.” I’ll be honest- it hurt to experience and it hurt to admit.

If I was in her shoes at her age, I would’ve been a crying mess; so it didn’t surprise me when she turned into a crying mess.

“I-I didn’t know-w-w!” She whined, and I just held her close. “I-I’m sorry!” I just smiled, continuing to comfort her. “W-won’t do it again!” In other words- she didn’t plan on getting caught again. I could live with that blissful ignorance, though.

“Honey, if you ever feel the need to lie, just be careful about it, think about who you might hurt by lying.” Lying’s part of the job, way I see it. Might as well let her get good at it. But then, I had another thought. “You hurt that other boy far more than you realize.” She tried to pull back, but I just held her to my chest. I figured she’d wanna come back anyway.

“What you did today is gonna haunt him for a long time to come.” I felt her shift in my grip, but I paid it no mind. “Not only did you beat his ass, you made him look like a prick in front of his dad.”

“B-but he pul-”

“I know, baby.” I was just stroking her feathers, trying to not think of Maria. “But what I’m saying is, the people you fuck with now might just come back to fuck with you later. He’s gonna be remembering the day you humiliated him in front of everyone for a long time; tomorrow, he’ll be getting picked on relentlessly by everyone else and he’ll be too scared of everyone to do anything about it.” As much as I hated to dump this on her, I really didn’t want Johnni to be her Maria situation. She needed to understand the gravity of what we do and why.

She started babbling more apologies, and I waited until I thought she was ready.

“But, you know? That’s not a big deal.” I gave her a warm smile, allowing her to slowly pull back and look me in the eye.

“R-really? B-but I thought-”

“While it sucks for him, he started it. My concern is, who’s gonna finish it? Did ya’ think about that?” I asked, booping her on the forehead. I elaborated- “Think about it like this- a fight doesn’t end until one of you is in the ground…” I then gave her a wide, dark grin.

“We’re gonna whack him?” She blurted out, and I honestly truly had to fight with every fiber of my being to not laugh my ass off.

“No, Anastasia.” I stopped to take a deep breath to calm down. “What you’re gonna do, is you’re gonna call your cousin Daisy when you get home. Explain that you got in a fight, so if any school officials decide to ask her anyway, she’ll tell them your story.” Her eyes widened in realization, like it was all finally clicking for her.

“Then… tomorrow, I’ll corner Johnni somewhere to really nail down the point!” I snapped my finger and pointed at her,

“Yeah! And make sure there’s a few witnesses around, so word will spread about what happens if you try to be a rat. If you get caught? Make something up again, fuck it! More than likely, he’ll go along with your story on the spot.” We both made eye contact, smiled, and she immediately found her way back into my arms. “I really meant it when I said I was proud of you. But now do you get why I was upset?” She sniffled, and I felt her nod meekly. “You’re the best daughter I could’ve asked for, and I mean it.”

“B-best daughter ever?” Fuck, she sounded so, so happy. “Y-you really mean it?” her voice cracked terribly, but I didn’t give a shit. But I just snorted and chuckled when I heard her question.

“I just said it, didn’t I?” I wrapped my arm around her neck and gave her a playful noogie, much to her dismay. “Get the car key outta your ears!” I said, moving to nuzzle and kiss her forehead. I gestured to the table and said- “Now finish up your ice cream! We got damage control to do!” I moved to once again switch booths- but not before taking a long swig of Anastasia’s (somewhat melted) milkshake.

“Mammaaaa!” She whined, and I laughed.

“Just checkin’ it, it’s still safe!” A light punch to the shoulder made her roll her eyes. “Tell ya’ what- If you want, you can ask Uncle Cowboy if Daisy wants to come over.” She beamed at me, gasping in excitement!

That got her to hurry up with her ice cream. But she was always smarter than me- she knew when she was at her limits, and was smart enough to stop. Hey, with any luck, maybe she didn’t inherit our family’s genetic tendency towards addiction.

As she was finishing up, I was trying to eat some of her ice cream to avoid wasting any- despite how full I was getting.

“Bottom line, Anastasia.” I said, swallowing another spoonful. “Be careful who you fuck with… agh, brain freeze… ugh… Don’t lie to your friends, and definitely don’t lie to your family.” I felt like I was gonna be sick, and I pushed the ice cream towards the middle of the table. “Agh! And don’t eat more than you can handle!”

Anastasia started laughing at my expense; I just rolled my eyes, pulling a wad of bills out of my purse. “I’m serious about the first two! Lemme tell you something.” I said, licking my thumb and counting out a bunch of big-ones before slapping the bills under the plate. “True story, honest to goodness! Let’s get to the car first, though.”

I used a wing, guiding her towards the front counter, being run by a bunch of teenagers being guided by some sweet old lady.

“Excuse me!” I said, going up the exit line and slapping the counter. She approached and I whispered, “You own this joint?” I asked, and she nodded, looking somewhat nervous. With a wide grin, I counted out a few more big ones. “My compliments, ma’am!” before she could say anything, I turned around and said, “I left a little more than what the bill was on the table, but you can keep it.”

As we walked away, after a full four seconds she sputtered out, “Th-Thank you! We ap-ap-ap, uh… PLEASECOMEAGAIN!” I couldn’t help but giggle like a moron when she botched her normal customer-goodbye, same with Anastasia.

Outside, the early fall winds were already sending a chill along my back, and I thought to myself- maybe I oughta get Annie a jacket? A nice one, like a modern-age equivalent of the cloak I used to wear. As I looked down, I couldn’t help but imagine her in a black leather jacket and shades? But before I could go into a premature mid-life crisis wondering how outdated my idea of “cool” was these days, Annie spoke up.

“What’s the story you were gonna tell me?” She asked as we got into the car, and I laughed, having totally forgotten!

“Oh, that’s right!” I said, starting the engine and putting it in reverse. “A long time ago, I planned to marry your mommy, and I did!” I explained, doing a skid outside of the parking lot. “But we had a disagreement, and I just thought, Eh, lie to her, what’s she gonna do?”

“Wait, you lied to Mommy?” She said, giggling, “She must have been maaaaad!” Yeah. Yeah, she was. But it’s been so long ago, I can’t help but laugh at how ridiculous it all was. I was some kid with too much time on her hands who went on a downward spiral because she felt she had an excuse to.

“Mad? Oh, Anastasia, Mommy wasn’t mad… She was FURIOUS!” I yelled, clutching my fist for emphasis. “When she found out, I wound up in a hospital!” we were both laughing, and I added- “She wasn’t the one that put me in the hospital, you can’t say I lied to you!” As I went on, I kind of regretted opening myself up to this questioning, and added-

“But that’s a time in my life I don’t like to think about. If you wanna know more, ask your mother. If she wants to tell you what happened, that’s fine by me.” I ruffled her feathers, hearing okay Ma. The traffic was relatively light this time of day, so I didn’t mind talking and driving. “But you’d think I would’ve learned my lesson after I lied to your Gramma.” I didn’t hear a response, so I assumed her jaw had dropped.

“What… what happened?” She asked, concern creeping into her voice. I just smirked,

“Beat my ass with a paddle so hard, I had to sit on a pillow for a week straight.” I chuckled, and Anastasia cringed, probably feeling sympathy pains. But she’s never gotten the paddle, as I never felt I needed to. The occasional spanking for repeated misbehavior, that’s all. “Believe me, Anastasia. It hurts a lot more than you can imagine.” I was staring dead forward with that same smirk- but my tone gave away my intention.

“W-well, I-I’d never do anything that bad!” Her nervous laughter trailed off, and my smirk grew.

“Anastasia. I don’t mind it if you lie to your classmates, teachers, the general public, whatever. Better to be a snake than a rat, I always say.” Again chuckling nervously, she stuttered-

“Th-That’s right!” but I wasn't done.

“But when I ask you to tell me the truth in private, please tell me the truth. I’m proud you managed to pull that off- that takes skill!” I playfully slapped her on the back and said, “You’re a good kid. One day you’ll be the boss… but until that day, you’ll be best daughter in the world. I love you with all my heart, baby.”

I grabbed a tissue out of the glovebox for her and wrapped my arm around her shoulder. She blew her nose, throwing the tissue into the little trash-cubby.

“If, If I’m the best daughter, that means you're the best Mamma!” She yelled gleefully, and I felt a lump in my throat.

“That… that means a lot, sweetie. Thank you.” but she giggled, yelling-

“That’s right! You’re the bestest Mamma in the whole cosmos!” I wanna say you've been listening to Uncle Em too much! But, somehow I felt like my tongue was tied, and I was at a loss for words. “Are… are you crying?” She asked, sounding concerned. I just sniffed as tears of pride rolled down my beak.

“No, I'm not.” I said plainly with a side glance and a smirk. “That, Anastasia, is what we call a white lie.”

---

“I LOVE HER SO MU-HU-HU-UUUCH!” I was literally sobbing into Mamma's shoulder on my smoking porch as I recalled a brief retelling of the day’s events. Despite the moon bringing the chilly night winds, we both sat on the cushioned swinging chair. I kept myself warm with a thin coat; Mamma kept herself warm with a blanket. We’d long since gotten home, and I decided to use tonight to have a private talk with her.

“In other words, you spoiled yours and Anastasia’s dinner because she got into a fight?” She laughed and asked sarcastically, lighting up another smoke. She was quite upset when we came home late with zero appetite to spare. “I was gonna make you two some steak salads!” She said, and I couldn’t help but smirk.

“The kind with the thick-cut fries and the good vinaigrette?” I asked, hoping that offer was still on the table for another night. She just smirked and ruffled my feathers. “Any chance that’ll be on tomorrow’s menu?”

She just snorted and said, “Sure, why not?” She said, shrugging with a smirk. “Salads are great because I don’t gotta make something else for your wife.” Which was true, as steak salad night for Annie and I was just salad night for my wife, usually with a side of bread- whether it’s plain bread, garlic bread, or breadsticks- served as fresh as we can get it.

I just snorted at her. “Oh, please. Cooking for my wife is easy.” I sat up and leaned against my side of the chair, “All you gotta do is find ingredients with a three-digit price point, labeled as imported from whereverthefuck, and she'll be as happy as can be!” We both shared a good laugh- occasionally, my wife’s background being from old money served as a polar contrast to our comparatively simple background.

“I remember when we’d special order some frozen steaks and meat around birthdays and whatnot, and sometimes it’d go bad in transit.” She took a drag of her smoke and said, “And we’d be shit outta luck.” I grimaced as the mental image of worm-infested meat crossed my mind, and she blew her smoke downward and muttered, “Even when they made it, they were just… okay.”

I knew the struggle- I was there, after all. I leaned into her side, resting my cheek on her shoulder. Growing up, we did what we had to do. living in the middle of nowhere, we had to rely on some rather dubious methods and discount courier services just to get fresh meat every once in a while. Salted cold cuts were one thing; but fresh meat, just out of the slaughterhouse? The closest we could get was hunting small game in the woods.

“The worst part is, we probably could’ve bought a nice hog off the Apple family for ourselves.” I chuckled, causing Mamma to roll her eyes. “I mean, they were being raised to get sent to slaughter anyway!” It was actually a really good program- because of the influx of griffonian immigrants way back when, the Equestria government started paying to have private farmers trained and paid to raise livestock to prevent a potential meat shortage. Many of them already raised cows or sheep for milk and wool; it was just a matter of making it so raising pigs in rural communities like Ponyville could actually be profitable.

Of course, this was when the Equestrian government still had its shit together.

But Mamma rolled her eyes. “Oh, fantastic idea. We’ll slaughter it in the living room!” We both shared a laugh, knowing damn well that neither of us knew how to slaughter a pig. I can cut it up to make it easier to transport and bury, but that’s about it. We both calmed ourselves down and I said,

“Heh, I don’t miss that life. You?” I asked Mamma, and she got oddly quiet. My smile fell slowly and I finally asked, “What’s on your mind?” She seemed to shift in her seat nervously before sighing.

“It’s nothing, sweetie.” She gave me a warm smile and tried to pull me in for a hug; I just put my hand on her shoulder. “Don’t… it’s not for you to worry about, Leona.” She spoke in her more formal mom-voice, but I was having none of it.

“Mamma, you’ve been acting different and I wanna know why. Is everything alright?” I was being sincere, and Mamma huffed and crossed her arms.

“Of course, everything’s alright!” Sure didn’t sound like it, though. “Leona Grimfeather, I am your mother, and if I-” My eyes widened as I realized something: Mamma was talking to me with the same commanding voice I’ve shown many other people.

“Don’t lie to me, Ma.” I said frankly- and rather than backing down like I expected, she grit her beak and glared at me.

“I’m not allowed to lie to you?” She was starting to sound more and more upset, and I didn’t like it. “Glad to see your self-centered sense of justice applies to me too.”

“Look, I didn’t mean it like that!” I begged her, feeling my own tears rising. This was not going to plan.

“Then how did you mean it!?” She snapped, and I felt like I physically shrank in my seat.

“I-I’m sorry, I only wanted to try to help!” It felt like I was having a hard time breathing, and that my stomach was churning.

“Oh, please.” She said sarcastically, “You’ve been helping for years!” she gestured around my yard and continued, “And what about all those times I tried to help you!?” She ranted, and I wrapped my shaking arms around myself. “And don’t you cross your arms at me!” No, that’s not-

“I-I’m not, I-I-” But I couldn’t stop her, not anymore.

“When you were growing up, I told you not to lie or steal, and you didn’t listen. Then it became a matter of survival- whatever!” I anxiously nibbled my finger as she continued, “Then, you murdered someone, lied to the authorities, and you wanted to celebrate! I tell you to make some friends, and you become the town menace! How do you think that made me feel!?” Tears were pouring down her face, and I kept feeling like I wanted to run away. “That night before the Gala when you told me that you could’ve… could’ve…” She finally couldn’t take it anymore; with a couple sniffles, she buried her face in my shoulder and wrapped her arms around me. I just let her calm herself down while I tried to let my own anxiety attack pass. After some time and several deep breaths had passed, I finally asked-

“Why… why didn’t you tell me?” I asked her, my voice cracking terribly. “I-I never meant to hurt youuuu!” I moved to cover my face when Mamma grabbed my shoulders and let me cry into her arms instead. “I have it all under cont- hic! Control, no-nothing would’ve happened!”

Clack!

I heard my wooden leg tip over from where it was leaning against the railing, making that loud noise.

“I suppose your leg was all according to plan? What about your beak?” The look in her eyes, once stern, turned wide with shock as though she only just now realized what she said. I just sat there frozen in utter shock. I tried to hold it in, fuck did I try- but despite my efforts, I was about to go from just feeling like shit to full on ugly crying, and I hated it.

“I-I didn’t-” She threw her arms around me and pulled me close, and I lost my composure then and there.

“I’M SORRY!” I screamed into her chest, “I-I didn’t wanna-”

“I DIDN’T MEAN IT LIKE THAT!” Mamma yelled, realizing just how much pain I was in. “I-I’m sorry, baby! Please, I didn’t mean i-it!” She was crying too, and I finally had enough.

“W-why… Why didn’t you say you were hurt!?” I half yelled, and I felt her shrug shakily.

“Because I’m your mother!” She yelled, squeezing me as tight as she could. “I refused to burden you with my problems!” She sounded full of resolve, and it broke my heart.

“Mamma, please! I want you to!” I forced myself back, and we locked our red, puffy eyes together. “You can’t just keep taking on everyone else's problems! It’s not healthy!”

“I-I can’t, I-” she was nervously glancing around, and I was having none of it.

“Mamma. Please.” I forced myself to calm down, gave her a faint smile and asked, “What’s on your mind?”

After a solid few moments of eye contact, she sighed. “Leona, I tried teaching you good morals, and you did the exact opposite. You kept getting yourself in more and more dangerous situations against my wishes!” She explained, regret in her voice. “Then I see you want Anastasia to walk that same path, and I… I just… it’s terrifying!” Her gaze kept glancing towards my leg stump, and I couldn’t help but sigh. I took her hand and our gazes met.

“You think I’ve been careless?” As I realized what had her so concerned, I couldn’t help but feel awash with melancholy. “I’ve spent my whole life trying not to be careless. Boys and men can be careless, but not us women; otherwise, there’d be no one to keep the men in line.” She flashed me a brief smirk, and I smiled. I turned to look out towards the night sky, her hand still in mine.

“I’ve almost died, more times than I care to admit.” I heard her gasp, and before I knew it, both arms were wrapped around my side. I just moved my arm out of the way and continued, “That man who disfigured my face, he bludgeoned me when I wasn’t looking; he dragged me into an alley and tried to rape me. I shot him, and he’s in Hell now.” I just shrugged and said, “It is what it is, what can you do?”

I looked down, and I saw her immediately open her mouth- but after a few moments, she closed it shut. Then she said- “What, you’re… are you, uh…”

“Fine?” She nodded and I said, “I suppose. I hate that ugly scar he gave me, but, again, what can ya’ do?” I shrugged with a smirk, “I knew there was always a chance of death or otherwise, but look where we are now!” I gestured around the yard and said, “Where would we be if I hadn’t been making calculated risks since day one?”

She shrugged, looking like she was absorbed in thought. “Bottom line is, this is the life I’ve chosen for myself. It suits me, and I’m good at it.” With a shaky hand, I brought a cigarette up to my mouth, lighting it and taking a deep drag to let Mamma think for a moment. I then spoke in a somewhat hushed tone, saying “What was the alternative? Spend the rest of my life working for some jagoff, going home and having to worry about bills and food like the rest of the suckers? And don’t even bring up Dee’s money- if I didn’t promise her the world, she probably would’ve left me long ago. I’d have been a stay-at-home wife and a massive drunk, just like Gramma.” And Dee probably would’ve gone on to become pony Ted Bundy after the divorce.

“No, that’s not…” With an abrupt huff, she said- “Just because Anastasia doesn’t mind learning where the meat comes from, doesn’t mean I’m okay with it!” Immediately catching her meaning, I nodded.

“I get it. I’m sorry, I… I just assumed you didn’t take issue with it.” What she means is, despite enjoying the life of luxury I’ve given her, she feels conflicted on what it took to get to this point, as well as the inherent danger of this line of work. “I was just… so proud of my baby today! What she did was incredible for someone her age! I mean, I couldn’t-” She gave me a glare, gritting her beak subtly- a look that when I give to someone else, it usually means you might wanna rethink your words. And fuck me, it worked. “Alright, fine! I won’t fill you in on stuff like that!”

Thwap!

…Always with the wing…

“Leona Grimfeather!” She exclaimed, and I had to choke back my sigh of resignation, lest it be falsely interpreted as back talk. “I don’t want Anastasia getting in any fights! Am I clear?” She asked, huffing and crossing her arms. I gave her a warm smile, holding my hands out; which, after a few moments, she took in hers.

“I’ll talk to her tonight, Ma.” She blinked, almost seeming surprised. “You don’t wanna risk her getting hurt, I get it now.” I gave her a sigh, looking off to the side. “She has her bodyguards. Why risk it?” As though a weight had been lifted off her shoulder, she breathed a sigh of relief, and I wrapped my arms around her.

“Thanks, sweetie.” She sighed, pulling back with a warm smile. “I just want her to be safe. That’s all.”

“Same goes for you.” I said, with a smug grin. “Ace said you were bangin’ cocktail waitresses two at a time?” I don’t think I’ve ever seen Mamma look this red. She started sputtering out an explanation, and I just raised a hand to stop her.

“Look. It’s none of my business what you do for fun. I’m just asking you to lay off, is all. It’s not healthy.” She huffed and scoffed at me,

“Are you saying I have a problem?” She pointed defensively, and I just shrugged.

“No, I never said that!” I giggled, throwing a wing around her back and looking forward, “I mean, it’s not like you tried hosting a fuckin’ hooker orgy or some other depraved shit, right?” I heard her nervous laughter and I had to suppress a smirk. “One at a time, that’s all I’m saying. Save some for everyone else.” After a few moments, she nodded rapidly.

“Good.” I said, tossing my cigarette and strapping my fallen leg back on. I turned to her and said, “I was talking to Adrian, and he was telling me his mother hosts a poker night every saturday. They’re actually down a player, been looking for ages!” She cocked an eyebrow, probably wondering how this was relevant. “I mean it could be fun. You and a few other ladies your age just hanging out, you know?” As I was lacing the straps to my leg, Mamma snapped herself out of it.

“Oh, that’s uh… Sylvia? That’s her name, right?” I nodded, pulling a pencil and paper out of my coat pocket and jotting her number down.

“Give her a call! Seriously!” I said, wrapping an arm around her and kissing her on the cheek. “Now I gotta head down, make sure any of the evening patrols know to keep their mouth shut. See ya!” When I shut the door behind me, I clutched my chest and breathed a sigh of relief. “Gotta talk to Annie…” I muttered to myself, somewhat listlessly.

—

A lone griffon woman sat in her private ocean liner cabin, laying on the aged cot and staring listlessly at the tacky, musty wallpaper. She checked her cheap tin pocket watch, tapping the glass to once again unstick the minute hand.

“Fuck it. It’s been long enough.” She jumped off the tattered cot and leaned a chair against the door, just in case. On the side hidden by the wall, there was a thin tear along the side. She reached in, and after a few moments of digging around, she pulled out a thin wooden box. Within it was a scroll, the red wax sealing it was stamped with no special markings.

She was extra careful with it as she transferred it to the rough wooden reading desk. The lamp, covered in small rust spots flickered annoyingly until she rapped her knuckle against the bulb. With a deep breath, she held the wax up to the lightbulb, slightly melting the seal, just enough to peel it off easily.

She had ten minutes to study all the information held within. It contained everything she needed to know; where she’d be staying, her cover story, collaborators and corroborators, her task at hand, and most importantly; her new identity.

As far as anyone was concerned, her name was now Sybille Delapore, nicknamed “Syl” by her friends; and after she’s built up a decent amount of connections and becomes known, her job was thus; The Don’s wife, Diamond Tiara, recently had a job position close to her open up, as a personal assistant. This would allow her to get close to the family and reach her ultimate goal; find out any and all possible information surrounding some Project Starfall.

There was one more thing on the letter; within the small protective case was an amulet, being a silver shield design, inlaid with a tiny vial of liquid within red glass. Unscrewing the very miniscule stopper revealed a small potion within, smelling faintly of almonds. It was an emergency potion- if she was ever found out, she was to drink the potion and wait a few moments. Once it hits her stomach, according to the letter, she would be teleported back to Canterlot for questioning.

The letter was signed with no name, simply saying Good luck, Agent G. Your Princesses depend on you! And with that, the letter burst into flames, leaving only miniscule ash behind.

With a deep breath, she put the amulet around her neck and walked to the mirror.

“Hi! My name’s Syl. I just moved here from Manehattan, and I wanted to introduce myself!” She practiced her neighborly greeting in the mirror; after all, she couldn’t waste precious seconds not practicing her new identity.

—

“Anastasia?” I mumbled, knocking on her door. “I wanna talk.” Immediately, the commotion within died down as Annie told Daisy to quiet down. She stepped outside, shutting the door behind her. “I’m gonna keep this short and simple. If you ever get in a fight, don’t tell Gramma. Got it?”

After a few moments, she blinked and nodded. “Okay, Mamma!” I couldn’t help but smile, throwing an arm around her.

“Atta Girl. I’m proud of you, don’t you forget it!”

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Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing! Riiiii-!

“Shut!” I commanded my morning alarm clock with an iron fist, which daintily slapped the shut up button on top. Under the bedsheets, I felt Dee stirring slightly, almost like something was amiss yet wholly regular.

She stretched and yawned adorably before tucking herself in and curling back into a ball, attempting hopelessly to fall back asleep. But I wouldn’t let her, because I gently rose out of bed to walk towards the window. It was quite dark in my room, but I usually kept the floor tidy; besides, it’s harder to trip and fall when you walk on all fours. Flinging the thick drapes open, I undid the latch and flung the shutters open to let the mid-spring sunlight fill the room.

Her eyes opened slightly, mostly being covered by her tangled mess of a mane. She rose slowly, the blanket falling off her shoulders daintily around her, almost creating a blanket nest. Her face blushed faintly and matched perfectly with her dreamy expression, making her look very smoochable.

“You look like shit.” I said in a soft, joking way. She rolled her eyes, probably too tired to bother answering. Brushing a few errant strands of purple and white mane out of her face, I gently stroked the underside of her chin, making her shiver as we shared spit. Admittedly, both of our mouths reeked from having just woken up, but she was too tired to do anything about it and I just didn’t give a shit.

We pulled apart and shared a nuzzle, just staring dreamily into each other's eyes. Then, with a smug grin, I looked up and sniffed. There was an off scent in the air, somehow reminding one of concentrated sweat and aged cheese- and like cheese, it sent a lot of happy chemicals to my brain, especially hers.

“You’re in heat.” She nodded slowly with a wide grin; this was the time of year when she’d be the most fertile, and thus, the best time to have a baby. While she goes into heat every month, it’s strongest during the spring when food would be fresh and plentiful for neo-thaumaturgic scavenger herds; aka, the pony equivalent of hunter-gatherers, with the time period referring to the first crude proto-magics used by the unicorns.

“... So, I am…” She muttered, forcefully grabbing my shoulders and making my back stiffen up. She had a hungry, almost starved look in her eyes; and to her, I was a six course breakfast. She started pulling me on top of her and the two of us rolled over, putting her menacingly over top of me. My heart pounded, face beet red, as her face dove into my neck and-

Knock Knock Knock!

“Mamma! When’s breakfast? I’m hungry and Gramma said it’s your turn!” We both heard Anastasia yell through the one-way microphone on the other side of my door and sighed in annoyance, pressing the button by the bedside to say,

“Give us a minute, honey!” I yelled desperately, only to be answered by more knocking.

“But Mamma! You said, ‘breakfast is the most important meal of the day!’” I groaned silently to myself, rubbing my face with my palms.

I quietly muttered to myself, wholly annoyed- “That was just an ad campaign to sell fucking cereal, I didn’t mean… Ugh!” Why do I do this to myself? “Just sit in the living room, I gotta shower still!”

“Okay, Mamma!” Upon looking up, I saw my wife giggling into her hoof.

“The joys of motherhood.” She said, climbing off me as I pouted and crossed my arms. “Come on, we’ll take a cold shower. We got stuff to do anyway.” Finally I sighed, shaking my head with a faint smile.

“Yes, honey.” For anyone who plans on getting married: Learn those two words. Trust me, they’ll save your life. When I followed her into the bathroom, she stopped and made me bump into her butt. She lightly slapped me with her raised tail; the seductive look in her eyes told me I had tonight to look forward to, at least.

The cold shower really helped me calm down, and we both made quick time getting each other ready. Not to mention, the standing blow dryer she convinced me to have installed is super convenient, being operated by a simple foot pedal. When you’re covered in thick fur, an old fashioned hair dryer and brush takes time to use. For my wife, a thick cap which she just stuffs her hair up in keeps it wet for more purposeful styling.

My wife did her makeup as I used a wide-tooth comb to slick my feathers back- it was like a regular comb, but with a half-inch gap between the teeth for feathers. She removed her cap and let her soaking wet mane fall loosely around her shoulders, figuring she’d do her hair while breakfast is cooking.

Donning my bathrobe and my wooden leg, it was time to greet the day… I guess… Walking downstairs to the living room, I found Anastasia filling out a colouring book while Trixie sipped coffee and read quietly on the couch.

“Sleep well?” I asked my guest, and she flashed me a smile.

“Wonderfully, as usual.” Of course, easy access to medical hash helped that a lot. “Even when Glimmy’s up all night thinking aloud, I sleep like a rock.” She giggled softly, a weary look in her eyes from the early morning grogginess. I just nodded and said,

“Well when you get a minute, let her know I’m starting breakfast down here.” She just nodded plainly while Anastasia gasped, jumping in the air and proclaimed:

“I’ll tell Gramma!” If this was a cartoon, there’d be an Anastasia shaped cloud of dust where she stood before bolting upstairs. I looked at Trixie, and we both just shared an awkward shrug.

“If you need me, you know where to find me.” I admit, Trix can be a bit awkward at times. My wife made good friends with her, but I’ve yet to find a whole lot the two of us shared in common; but I digress.

“Coffee’s in the kitchen.” She said, and I nodded.

Despite having servants and the money to hire the best cooks in the world, I still took great pride and joy in cooking; especially when I’m cooking for others. I’d be making fresh pancakes with a side of bacon and two separate batches of hash browns; one cooked in bacon grease, the other not.

I got the ingredients, all fresh as I could get them, and got to work. The first thing I did was turn the gas burner on and used it to light a cigarette, which I just set in the corner of my mouth to puff away at. I actually almost burned my feathers doing that once, but… Hey? It all worked out. The second thing I did was pour myself a cup of coffee before getting the utensils and shit ready.

My kitchen is fuckin massive; plenty of space to walk around, with a big kitchen island in the middle, with storage drawers on one side and raised chairs on the other, so you could either stand or sit there! My gas range had ten burners and was as wide as two ovens strapped together, and the most burner’s I’ve ever seen used at once on there were six. My freezer is damn near big enough to park your car in, and if you tipped my fridge over you could use it to land a plane!

…

Okay, maybe I exaggerated a bit there.

“Mamma!” My daughter yelled, running into the kitchen. I scooped her up and pulled her in for a hug, her chin resting on my shoulder. Then I lifted her up and set her on one of the tall chairs by the island.

“Watch and learn, kid.” I said, ruffling her feathers with one hand, setting my cigarette in a tray with the other, “You never know when you’re gonna need to cook for other people!” I booped her on the tip of the beak, her adorable giggling making it impossible to frown.

Annie watched as I grabbed some potatoes and washed them, letting them soak in a bowl of water for a moment.

“Why do we wash the potatoes?” She asked innocently, tilting her head. I just smirked and asked,

“What? Do you like dirt on your food?” I asked rhetorically, and she shook her head and made a bleh! sound, sticking out her tongue. “There you go, you answered your own question!”

A heavy hand-cranked peeler made quick work of the potatoes. Shredding them was just as simple of a task; thanks to my hand-cranked grater, I just had to use a metal plunger to push the potatoes into the blade and let the potato shreds fall into a colander.

“If your mother was here, she’d think that it was time to cook the potatoes. That’s why she’s not allowed to cook anymore!” Annie and I shared a private giggle as I went on to explain,

“See, you gotta rinse the hell out of them first thing. Second, spread them out on a towel and remove as much moisture as you can. It makes them nice and crispy!” I explained, putting them into two separate bowls; one being made before the bacon to appease the ponies, and the other batch being cooked in bacon grease. “Now, pancakes!” I declared excitedly, grabbing the milk, eggs, and butter out of the fridge. Only, there was one small problem.

“Aww, for the love of…” I muttered to myself, setting the eggs and butter on the counter. “Anastasia? Can you grab the milk out of the door for me?” I asked, and she nodded.

“Yes, Mamma!” The door in question was the milk-door; a small hatch accessible from the outside where the milkman drops off- “I’m back!” She bolted through the door, and I was surprised about how fast she was. I didn’t even have time to finish my train of thought!

The glass bottles clinked against each other, and we wasted no time stowing the excess bottles in the fridge. Then I grabbed out the flour, salt, sugar, baking powder, and utensils. Putting all the pans I’d need on the range to preheat, I finally grabbed a measuring cup and-

“How come Mommy can’t cook?” She asked innocently, completely knocking me off my mojo. I blinked, continuing to throw ingredients into the bowl as I explained,

“It's not like she can’t cook for herself’, it’s…” I cracked an egg as I gathered my thoughts, “It’s not that she can’t cook. She can cook, but that’s because I tried to teach her.” I explained, mixing the rest of the wet and dry ingredients, reaching under the island for the mixer.

“Why? Didn’t her Mamma teach her how to cook?” Setting the standing mixer up and threading the crank handle back on, I gave her a side-eye glance.

“You know we don’t talk about her.” At first I was stern- but then I thought, “Eh, we’re alone here anyway… No, she never taught Mommy how to cook. Don’t tell her I said that.”

“Wait, whaaaat?” she sounded appalled, and I didn’t blame her. I nodded and continued as the batter mixed,

“That’s because she never knew how to cook, she always just had other people do it for her.” The batter was still full of chunks, so I doubled down on the cranking.

“... Why don’t we do that?” she asked, and I cocked an eyebrow. “Pay someone to cook for us! Think how much time we'd save!” my beak opened briefly to reprimand her for even thinking such a thing… but it is a valid question, to be fair.

“Because I like cooking for you!” I said, ruffling her feathers. “Same reason Gramma likes to cook!” She tilted her head in confusion, and before she could even ask the dreaded why, I elaborated- “An artist spends lots of time and energy using a brush to put their feelings to canvas. A writer spends days doing research to get the smaller details of their story correct, often going unseen behind a pseudony- Okay, these words are a little big. But do you know why the artist spends so much time on their art?” I’d all but abandoned the batter, looking my daughter in the eyes as I taught her this lesson.

She simply shook her head slowly, hopefully thinking about what I said. But I decided to answer-

“It’s so hopefully, their paintings make people feel… something! Anything, really- art can make people feel happy, angry, sad… Whatever!” I said, ruffling her feathers as her eyes widened. “Yeah, it’s hard work. Sometimes the artist gets tired and pay’s another artist to draw something for them; sometimes I get tired and say ‘We’re ordering pizza for dinner, what d’ya want?’” I shrugged, Anastasia giggling softly. I turned back to the mixer, remembering that I had other people waiting for me!

I let out a sigh and continued, “Whenever I put in a bunch of effort cooking something, it gets me nervous sometimes. Like, what if I mess up? What if people don’t like what I’m making?”

“No way!” Annie spoke up, “You’re the best cook in the world!” I gave her a smirk, knowing damn well that wasn’t true… but she’s a kid still, and I’m her mother.

“Maybe. But even I make mistakes sometimes.” I forced myself to focus on the batter and continued, “But then the food gets brought out and all the conversations stop for a minute while everyone tries their first bite, and you see all the contented nods and thankful smiles… it makes it all worth it.” Finally, the batter was done. All that was left was to cut the bacon.

I took the large slab out of the fridge and used a stone to sharpen a large knife, saying to Annie- “Someday, you’ll have a family and kids of your own… then you’ll really know what I mean.” I ruffled her feathers, and the look of awe and realisation never left her face. Cutting the bacon, I instructed; “Now let everyone know I’m starting the pancakes! Tell them if they want chocolate chips or blueberries, now’s the time to ask.”

“Ohh, blueberries, please!” She giggled and hopped off the chair. “I'll be back in a minute, Mamma!” I kissed her forehead before sending her off and finally cooking breakfast. I picked my smoke back up, deciding to just focus on cooking.

When breakfast was finally served, the smiles and gratitude almost made getting clam-jammed worth it… almost. I also noticed two things; First, Anastasia was looking curiously around the table, her eyes widening as she noticed the conversation die down when I walked in the room. While I was glad that she listened, I also noticed something else…

“How’s your writing coming along?” I asked Glimmer with a smug grin. She looked up at me, wholly unamused with a tired look in her eyes. “After breakfast, we’ll talk.” She nodded slowly, a faint smile growing on her lips as I continued with my breakfast.

—

Since my wife was just waiting for one of Emmie’s guy’s to pick her up, I made sure to give her a kiss in case he arrives early. When she came down for breakfast, she was even wearing pants- which was quite a rarity, except during Estrus. She’s been wanting this for a while, and I felt happy for her. Hell, happy for all of us, including the extended family; But as usual, there’s always shit going on.

“What’s on your mind?” I asked Glimmer as she led me into her room. Thankfully, she kept the room tidy… except for the writing desk, covered in a stack of papers, empty coffee cups, and takeout trays. Most glaring of all, however, was the massive stack of crumpled papers next to the desk.

“So, this is my manifesto.” She deadpanned, using her magic to straighten the stack out. “How the fuck do I structure this?” her hoarse horse voice sounded like she was at her wits end, with the bluntness in her tone I found to be kinda funny. But flipping through the pages, I could tell why; rather than being structured with a beginning and an end, it was basically an infodump with ramblings mixed in; various definitions of market terms, random pro-worker speech snippets, and most tellingly of all was a small dossier on Neighsay.

She really, really didn’t like that guy.

“A manifesto needs to be short, concise, and explain to the reader your thought processes behind your proposed changes and reforms. This is the complete opposite of that.” I set the stack down, rubbing my chin in thought. “These loose snippets of ugly truths mixed with proposed radical reform… Hmmm…”

A loud gasp startled me a little, making me jump.

“Sorry…” Glimmer said with a sheepish grin- I just waved her off. “But… snippets of ugly truths, it gives me an idea!” She grabbed a blank sheet of paper and started writing a rough draft, rather than using the typewriter.

“Did you know! This… ceo or whatever… did something cartoonishly dickish!” She said theatrically, pen scribbling large print across the paper. “Ask him about it! He’s at… address, and can be contacted via… whatever, you get it!” I slowly nodded my head, liking this whistleblower pamphlet idea.

“Pamphlets, huh... I like it!” I said, eyes filling up with possibilities. “Imagine, ponies all across major cities waking up one day to find these bright, hard to miss pamphlets in their mailboxes; Try keeping your head in the sand then!” Whipping out more paper, we both decided it was time to brainstorm.

While nothing has been set in motion and word has yet to be put to paper, we had a pretty good idea of what we wanted to do. Neighsay appears to be at the top of her shit list, so we figured, why not? Guy’s a piece of shit anyway, if what Glimmer has to say about him is true.

We were trying to get him arrested for extortion and accepting bribes from foreign entities. Let me explain: When Twilight first opened her school, Neighsay was being an utter ball-breaker about letting the school open because of shitty bureaucratic nonsense. However, Glimmer has reason to believe that the whole thing was a charade to squeeze money out of the ambassador-representatives of the other races.

“But… I technically don’t have any proof.” She said annoyed, and I just chuckled.

“Let me make a phone call.” I said, wasting no time pulling the brass receiver off the wall. “Hey Jos! Look, I’d love it if this was a social call but… Bah, don’t give me that!” Glimmer just awkwardly twiddled her hooves and minded her own business as I spoke, “I know you’re busting my balls, shush! I got something important, if you don’t mind.” I laughed and rolled my eyes.

I cupped my hand over the receiver and asked Glimmer, “What’d you say that prick's name was again?” She seemed confused and I clarified, “The griffon ambassador!”

“Oh! Oh, uh…” She stuttered, glancing off to the side. “Eustace… Gruff! Eustace Gruff, that was his name!” I nodded, scribbling that down on a piece of paper myself. Using my shoulder to press the phone to my ear, I said-

“You ready? I need you to find a guy named Eustace Gruff. He was some ambassador-representative for Twilight’s school when it first opened, you know, the one out by Ponyville. I want a background check, financial records included, and see if we can get in contact. Thanks! Ask for guest room four when you call back.”

Click!

I sat back down on the comfy chair and said- “Let’s go on assuming we know 100 percent for certain.” I said with a faint smile that matched hers.

Duke Neighsayer got his position as Chancellor of Education through any means except for merit, and we were gonna use that fact to our advantage. From what she can tell, he was juiced-in to the position because he has powerful family members. How will the Equestrian public react when they realise that the single pony in charge of overseeing the nation’s education is totally unqualified?

Another interesting factoid that she showed me was that on average, Equestrian high-school and college GPA averages have been on a downward trend. The problem though, is the fact that this would be difficult to confirm. A lot of records like that are closely guarded for obvious reasons; the usual quote-unquote, ‘THINK ABOUT NATIONAL SECURITY!’ fear mongering nonsense that bootlickers eat right up.

That last bit was a direct quote of hers- something tells me that she really didn’t like the Equestrian establishment.

“Hold on, back up a second.” I held a hand up and continued, “How do you know all this?” She just looked at me with a smug grin.

“One of my correspondents, Sunburst. He and I go way back. And as the Court Wizard of Crystalia, he has certain privileges that most are privy to.” I leaned back, giving her an impressed smirk. “Since the Crystalian administration is completely owned by the crown, high officials are given near unrestricted access.”

It was a beautiful system the two had set up; because of the thousand-or-so year gap in history, the puppet officials in Crystalia are able to peruse the Canterlot archives on behalf of the people.

“It’s super simple. All Sunburst has to do is write to Canterlot saying he’s looking for a copy of some old spell tome from fuck knows when and who cares about what for.” She explained, “Sunburst is a trusted friend of the Princesses, they don’t even bother patting him down!” I couldn’t help but chuckle at how fucking brilliant that is!

“Evidently, I should’ve made friends with the Crystalians instead of the Changelings!” Glimmer snorted and rolled her eyes,

“Trust me, Cadence would never work for you…” she looked at me with an apologetic smile and admitted, “They don’t think very highly of you, despite not having met you before.”

Personally? I had to laugh. “Honey, I don’t worry about people that talk behind my back; they’re behind me for a reason.” I gave her a dark grin and said, “If you don’t take any other advice from me, take that. Aside from PR, who cares what others think?”

“True, I suppose.” She nodded slowly, “Though… I might be able to get Sunburst onto our side.”

…

“Our side?” I asked, cocking an eyebrow with a smug grin. “You’re not even made and you’re acting like part of my crew.” I gave her a playful punch on the shoulder, and she seemed confused, almost a little hurt.

“But… I thought we were friends?” I nodded my head and shrugged.

“Oh, absolutely. I’m honoured to call you a friend, and I’m honoured to be your friend. But being a friend is different from being part of my crew. This… this thing of ours is a bit different.” She still seemed a little hurt so I continued- “There’s a lot of responsibility involved, and I don’t mean paperwork.”

“I… still don’t fully understand. What… are there certain things you’re not telling me?” I steepled my hands, trying to figure out how to put this.

“Well… In your case, you’re a guest in my house. You don’t have a lot of sway in business decisions, but that’s because my friends don’t know a whole lot about you. There are also future plans in motion that’ll happen whether you want it or not- nothing bad for you, I assure you.” I bit my lip, then sighed. “But if you’re made? That means you’re one of us. It means we trust you with our lives, as long as you trust us. No one aside from us can tell you no; it’s like a licence to steal, practically! If you have any problems with anyone outside of us, let us handle it!”

“What’s the caveat?” She asked, which I thought to be wise. I just gave her a smug grin.

“Tell you what; if this idea with Sunburst works out, I’ll tell you everything about Our Thing, start to finish. And if you’re interested?” I shrugged and said, “I’ll open the books for you. An ally like him would prove to be invaluable.” I said, holding a hand out.

“I’ll… consider it.” We shook, and we were back to scheming!

The rest of the day, the two of us spent gathering all the info we could find. While I was sending and receiving phone calls, Glimmer was coming up with a plan to get Sunburst on board. Simply put, she’d be visiting Crystalia in disguise to have a private conversation with her friend, which would’ve been set up via letter.

There was a small problem that Glimmer realized-

“How are we gonna send the pamphlets to Equestria without getting found out?” Well, that was a simple answer.

“Equestrians hate meat… but we’re gonna love it!” I said to her utter confusion. “We ship tonnes of meat to Equestria every year! We produce it so cheap, we were able to undercut the government-subsidised pony ranchers. While major shipping is still banned, Equestria relaxed its laws on food import since industrial agriculture has made food here so cheap.” While we haven’t stooped to using corn syrup yet, motorised harvesters are here to stay. “The pony customs guards hate poking around raw carcasses, and only inspect the first couple in a shipment before hiding in the smoke trailer to let the union jagoffs unload the boat.”

“It’s almost like ponies are unloyal when you don’t pay them enough.” She said, rolling her eyes.

“Makes ‘em easier to bribe that way.” I said with a shrug, “But when the workers unload the shipment and get them squared away into the right trucks, inside the hollow carcasses will be the parts needed to assemble a printing press.” Or drugs, guns, whatever you may need to clandestinely ship across the ocean. “Then…”

“You’ll need a front?” I stopped briefly. Then I locked eyes and smiled.

“You learn fast… Hay-Mart. My father in law owns it and all its assets as an unofficial subsidiary.” Hay-Mart is kind of like a K-Mart, and now that I think about it, even their names sound similar. As usual, the real story was different from the public story. As far as the general public is concerned, Rich sold Bargains off to his competitor because it was getting difficult to manage both branches overseas.

“You wanna know what really happened?” I lit up a cigarette and explained, “The current CEO, Hay Maker, is our squeaky-clean front man. His stores were dying out when we first got in contact, and he barely had enough money to pay the cabbie to pick up his paycheck! But basically, we made him an offer he couldn’t refuse; sign whatever the fuck we asked him to, and he gets to keep his position. He has no power, and whatever Rich says goes; the guy’s basically a talking head.

“On paper, Hay-Mart owns Barnyard Bargains as a bougier version of Hay-Mart. Hay Maker is the hero of the people, providing goods and sales and yadda yadda. In reality, we use his warehouses as a front for whatever we need. Rich still profits and runs Bargains from across the ocean, any excess is either laundered, put into physical assets, or used to support Hay-Mart. While the great discounts and sales have helped the company’s popularity tremendously, we have to change a lot of numbers to hide the fact that much of it is sold as a straight loss… As far as the crown’s concerned, though? Totally legit.”

“... How deep does this rabbit hole of conspiracy go?” She asked apprehensively, and I just laughed.

“Eh, I dunno. But I will tell you one thing: at first, Hay refused our kind offer, before he got the final offer.” I took a deep drag of my cigarette, saying- “when it comes to Our Thing, there’s one thing you have to be prepared to do; that is, send a message.” I looked at her, and she remained silent so I could continue, “When we want something, we will get it. For instance- when Hay Maker refused, do you know what we did?”

I saw a smile curl up in the corner of her mouth, and I laughed as I explained- “First, we sent in Fin. She broke into his house in the middle of the night, walked into his bedroom, and started whaling on him with a belt in front of his wife. Fucker was crying in the corner and everything!” A hoof covering her mouth did nothing to hide the creeping mirth in her eyes. “Then when we talked to him again we told him- ‘Sign these papers, or you WILL lose your company and everything you own and love!’ And then we told him, ‘Then when you’re broke and homeless, we’ll break your kneecaps and leave you with the bill, you fuck!”

An ungraceful snort followed by a peal of laughter from Glimmer made me smile.

“I-I’m sorry, it’s… in front of his wife?” I rolled my eyes and said,

“You wanna know the best part?” I leaned in and half-whispered, “His wife left him because he couldn’t get it up anymore after that!”

—

What started as a serious bout of planning turned into aimless gossip as we both shared stories and complained about Equestria.

Later that night, Dee broke the news- her unicorn doctor confirmed that the egg took, and we were all happy as could be. Anastasia was excited to have a kid brother or sister, Mamma was excited on principal, Dee was just plain excited… and me? I was excited for the future, but for different reasons.

Obviously because I’ve made more progress with Glimmer… but it was mostly because of what my wife had planned for me after dinner.

After we put Anastasia to bed and we were sure she was sleeping, we made sure our door was locked.

“You’re gonna be getting bigger. I hope you’re prepared for it.” She was always self-conscious about her weight and I loved busting her balls- naturally, she scoffed at me.

“Oh, am I, huh?” She asked sarcastically, slapping a riding crop against the bedframe, making me… quite excited. She grabbed my wrists, pinning me to the bed. “I’m gonna make you pregnant, bitch!” She whispered in my ear, sending a chill down my spine.

“B-but… how?” My mind was turning to static, and that was all I could utter… but the large strap on between her legs gave me a hint as to how she was gonna try.

—

Plap! Plap! Plap! Plap! Plap! Plap! Plap!

“GET PREGNANT! GET FUCKING PREGNANT, YOU DIRTY FUCKING LOOSE CUNT!-” The soundproof walls were nice, since my wife could be as loud as she wanted.

Thwap! Riding crop. Of course.

“Owwww! I’m tryiiiiiiiiing!” I whined and begged, barely able to catch my breath. “Try going h-harderrr!”

GOD I love this woman.

Still Waiting

View Online

A yellow unicorn stallion with deep red hair and beard was sitting by the window of a busy cafe, alone. The waitress noticed him nervously fiddling with his hooves, and thought it was odd he was wearing a suit; but she wasn’t paid enough to give a shit. After all: in Crystalia, formerly called the Crystal Empire, unions are… very limited in their reach and power here, if they’re even allowed to exist at all.

“Hi there! Can I start ya’ off with anything?” But she forced herself to smile regardless, hoping that this one would tip well. She approached from behind; he jumped when she spoke, and she had to suppress a chuckle.

“O-Oh, uh, j-just a coffee and toast, please. I’m waiting for another to arrive.” She grimaced internally- Great, now I gotta check back in… Not like I’m fucked as it is.

“Be right back for ya’!” As soon as she turned around, the forced smile sank like a rock; the people all around her chatting with their friends easily masked her sigh of resignation.

This was her life, after all. Smile and deal with it- ‘for the Princesses!’ as her mother always said, ‘They freed us from Sombra’s chains!’

‘Fuck ‘em. We’re still in chains, just velvety ones.’ about sums up the waitresses thoughts on the matter.

She blinked, and realised she was once again approaching the table with the odd yellow stallion. Snapped out of autopilot, she took a deep breath and forced that smile. Despite being only 25 years old, she knew from looking in the mirror that she had been developing premature crow’s feet; possibly as a result of all the forced smiles.

“Still waiting?” She asked, and she definitely didn’t do it on purpose to startle him. As his body once again jerked from surprise, she found her smile to be a little less forced. “I just brought the whole pot and another mug, just in case your friend wants some!” A medium sized platter of thick-cut toast was placed on the centre, garnished with small cups of butter and various jams around the edges. Two small plates were set to the side for later use, and the waitress pulled two bundles of silverware wrapped in napkins out of her apron, setting them on the table.

“Oh, thank you!” He said, and she nodded.

“Anything else, just call for me. I’ll swing back around!” She said, her smile once again fading as she walked away. ‘Jagoff,’ she muttered silently under her breath. She looked around the cafe floor wearily before once again making her rounds across the room. Once again, she was reverting to that autopilot mindset.

It was all the same shit- ‘just checkin’ in! Anything I can get ya’s?’ And it was always the same nonsense, too. I didn’t get enough strawberry jelly! This food isn’t hot enough! My straw has a hole in it! Needy fuckers. The diner’s clientele consists mainly of rich tourists from Equestria and Griffonia, who brought with them their frankly insignificant problems. Even collecting tips needs to be a task! Sometimes they tip well, sometimes they don't, and every time she had to clear off the table. Ever since the bus-boy quit, it’s fallen on the shoulders of the servers and the cooks to bring back and clean dishes.

It wasn’t a great loss when the old busboy left, though. He was always high on opium the first half of his shift, and dope-sick for the second half. One time she even made a joke- ‘Seeing how this place is run, I can’t blame the kid!’ which her fellow employees got a kick out of. Then when the joke made it back to the boss, she threatened to write them all up for insubordination.

A wide tray helped carry the not-insignificant stack of empty dishes on her back; combined with her woefully long years of experience at that diner, she was able to skillfully slide it onto the counter by the sink… next to the mountain of dishes that still needed done. She literally growled in anger, once again surveying the pandemonium around her.

Despite the fact that pretty much all of the cooks were stoned, they did their jobs pretty well; maybe ponies cook better when they’re stoned?

“Yo, Hair-do!” She grabbed one of the cooks as he ran by, him huffing in annoyance.

“What? What d’ya want?” He was pissed off too, being part of the same sinking ship. “Jo never showed up and we’re up to our asses in orders!” He didn’t even have to finish his sentence as she turned and resigned herself to blowing through these dishes before she had to make her rounds again, the musty rubber gloves making her arms chafe.

Grab the dish, hose it down, dab of soap on the sponge, scrub scrub scrub, rinse, inspect for spots, dry, move on. No dish-washing machines here; Just good old-fashioned exploitative labour. Five times of doing this over and over again made her realise; Fuck it, half these plates are basically spotless already. A glance over her shoulder confirmed that no-one paid her any mind.

After all, if the plate’s already basically spotless, why bother with the soap? Who’s gonna know? For what I’m being paid, cocksuckers oughta be grateful I’m at least rinsing them off. Not like they’re grateful for fucking anything else.

Having made a noticeable gouge in the pile of dishes, she threw the gloves off. The insides stunk of rubber and sweat, and even after scrubbing with the dish soap, left a faint smell on her hooves that only she could notice.

They’ll air off. She muttered, half-running out of the kitchen to her tables. A light yellow unicorn mare wearing a spring dress with a wide floral hat and sunglasses joined the table at some point. Upon closer inspection, it was noted that she had a blue mane with black streaks.

“Apologies for the wait!” She said, scrambling to pull her notepad out. “Welcome! Can I get ya’ started with anything?” They said some pleasantries with her that would’ve gone in one ear and out the other if she didn’t have to give back generic responses.

Yes, it is nice outside. Just like the weatherpony on the radio said first thing this morning.

All that really mattered to her was the order, she barely had time for pleasantries. Just say whatever will get them to stop talking. It’s why she’s wary of approaching senior citizens; after all, they love to talk. And talk. And talk. Oblivious to the world around them and the fact that they indirectly caused the problems they often ranted about. Sometimes they had the audacity to complain about not enough employees working, and she just wanted to throw them through the window. And of course, who could forget the ubiquitous “Pick yourself up by the shoe tacks!”

Hope they slip in the shower… she thought to herself, making her smile just a little more genuine.

“Alright! I’ll bring that out as soon as it’s done!” She couldn’t even remember what they ordered, but that was fine. The cooks can read.

“Excuse me, Miss… Cassie, is it?” She actually read my name tag? She turned around and hummed, wondering what do they want now?

“You have some soap bubbles stuck to your chin.” She said kindly, turning back towards the yellow stallion.

“O-Oh, uh, thank you!” She said, genuinely feeling grateful. “Bus-boy quit, so we gotta pick up the slack. You know how it is!” She grabbed one of the many napkins she carried in her pocket to wipe her chin as she walked away.

“That doesn’t have to be the case. I know a lot of the foodservice union contracts specifically forbid that.” She froze mid-step. Having read the works of Cutie Mark’s, she knew full well what unions were. But then she just resumed walking like she didn’t hear anything; She wasn’t gonna risk her employment over a pipe dream.

Ding… Ding… The noon bell, though muffled, could definitely be heard from inside the restaurant.

“Oy!” She said to another waitress who was just walking in. She was a cunt, but seeing her arriving here to finally cover her unpaid ‘lunch break,’ just… made her hate that bitch a little less. For now.

“Heyyy, biiiiatch!” She’s drunk again. Of course. Hate her again already. But despite this, she was half way through her ten hour shift. It’s the little things, Cassie. Count your blessings.

“I’m gonna go smoke heavily.” She spent her whole life swearing off smoking, knowing full-well it’s what gave her cousin lung cancer. Nine outta ten doctors recommend smoking, but that’s because the tenth one never got paid off. But quick smoke breaks, peppered throughout the day whenever she could sneak away, were the only thing keeping her sane. “Keep an eye on my tables, please.”

Now that she finally had a moment- she stopped, surveying the room. Tables were starting to empty, and they weren’t being refilled immediately. On one hoof, it brought her relief realising that they’d finally be able to catch up a little; It’s like you force yourself to weather the hurricane, only to come home and find that looters took all your money. After all- less customers, less tips going around. Some of the worst days here, she spent all morning running like a headless chicken, only for business to die out because of a sportsball game in the afternoon.

The break room was at the end of the hallway, thankfully next to the bathroom she needed. She checked her watch to take note of the time, door-lock syndrome forcing her to half-run into the stall. Ridiculous… She muttered to herself as she did her business. A quote she read ran through her mind; she saw it while reading Marks for the first time, and it’s resonated ever since. The way even essential service workers are treated is appalling! It’s undignified when they’re forced to dash to the restroom, start smoking because it’s the only time they get a break, or work for dirt-poor wages!

“You said it.” She muttered as she washed her hooves in the sink. She looked up, and the bags under her tired eyes were a window lazily covered by the drapes of a false smile. “Smoke break!” A real, genuine smile broke through when she said that.

The break-room, being little more than a small room with a smaller table, surrounded by uncomfortable folding chairs. Countertops were filled with cleaning supplies, the top part being covered in coffee stains originating from the single coffee machine. The pot was empty- but even if she could be bothered to make more, the shared sugar container had been collecting more dust than sugar. She grabbed the smokes and a lighter out of her miniscule locker, situated next to the fridge that contained her sack lunch and was only cold about half the time.

“Ten minutes…” She muttered, throwing her stuff on the table in a mad dash to get ready. “Where the fuck is the ashtray!?” Not here, not now! … Fuck it. There was a small metal lunchbox that had been sitting empty in one of the cupboards for ages now, the owner long having walked out after not being able to take it anymore here. It was quite plain; light blue, with a generic design of a fruit bowl stamped into the metal and painted. Well, now it’s an ashtray.

Her watch said eight minutes left until she had to return, and she mentally congratulated her own quick thinking. She sat on the uncomfortable folding chair, finally having the smoke that she so desperately needed. The flame from her lighter danced energetically as it was drawn towards the tobacco. She gently drew the smoke in her mouth, and the acrid fumes of the cheap cigarette were quickly pulled into her lungs. She leaned back, throwing her arm on the chair next to her as a smile of genuine contentment crossed her lips. She looked up as she exhaled, watching the smoke roll gently towards the tile ceiling with a sigh of relief.

“Casanova! What are you doing!?” Her boss yelled, making her jump in surprise. She could see that her boss had finally decided to use the spending account corporate provided. She repressed the urge to glare at the prick as she said,

“I’m on break, what d’ya want?” Cassie’s boss just gave her a flat look as she pointed to the pinboard of corporate bullshit. No smoking? NO SMOKING!? “Oh, my apologies. I didn’t see it.”

“You’re supposed to check the board every day! What the fuck, were you just standing around when you got here this morning?” He forced a smile and a laugh, trying to play the insult off as casual banter. “Seriously, put that thing out. I’m not asking again.” He said as he was putting bottles of some cheap off-brand soda into the fridge that wouldn’t even survive the night.

She wanted to cry as she crushed the cigarette; her watch told her she didn’t have a whole lot of time left, only six minutes.

“As soon as I got here, I was on the floor taking orders. I had to carry my lunch on my back for a half hour before I got a second to put it away.” Her eyes were still fixated on the crushed cigarette within the now-useless lunch box.

“You couldn’t have read the board then?” He asked smugly, the fake laugh making Cassie want to crack one of those bottles over his skull. ‘NO ONE READS THE FUCKING BOARD EXCEPT FOR A LAUGH!’ “Customer’s have been complaining, their waitresses smell like a pack of smokes!” He shrugged, grabbing a soda and popping it on the fridge's opener. He took a couple sips, and left it on the counter to go flat. ‘Wasteful Equestrian mutt…’

“By the way, I’m gonna need you to work tonight. Maple called off.” Cassie blinked, snapping out of her crushed-cigarette trance.

“Wait wait wait, what!?” It was outrageous, and she knew it. Her boss just gave her an odd look, feigning confusion.

“I need you back at eight tonight. You’ll have four hours to yourself between shifts, what’s the big deal?” Cassie’s eye twitched, her voice sounding flat and deadened when she spoke.

“What about… tomorrow?” She worked tomorrow. Eight to four, same as today. But the night shift is twelve hours- a skeleton crew turns the place from a busy restaurant to a twenty-four hour coffee shop.

Her boss chuckled, looking back with a smug grin. “Save you from having to walk here in the morning!” Then, he had the fucking audacity to tell her, “You should be thankful you’ve got a steady job! Lot’s of poor bastards don’t.”

She wanted to scream, but kept it all in her head. ‘IF YOU NEED ME SO FUCKING BADLY, WHY THE FUCK SHOULD I THANK YOU FOR ANYTHING YOU BOOT-LEATHER BREATH PIECE OF SH-’

“And get back to work! You’ve been in here for the past twenty minutes now!” She sighed dejectedly, not even sparing her watch a glance. Her packed sandwich and bottle of soda never even made it out of the bag.

She approached the order-window, hoping that nothing had arrived earlier than expected and got cold. The timing was perfect-

“Table seventeen!” the unseen cook yelled from the other side as Cassie slid the tray onto her back.

“Appreciate your patience!” she said, fake smile and all. The odd unicorn couple nodded as she grabbed the tray and sat on her haunches. She genuinely couldn’t remember what their order actually was, so she was just going off whatever was on the plate. You could also tell who ordered what by paying attention to their eyes when you went to grab the plate.

“Looks like I got the scrambled egg salad…” The yellow guy’s eyes lit up, telling her who’s meal it was. “With Romane lettuce, tomatoes, cucumber, no croutons, and extra cheese?” She guessed correctly as she sat the plate down, turning to the blue mare. “And you get the… Sunflower pod hoagie! On Fertilian style bread with daffodils, daisies, tomato, mayo, and ketchup.”

“Thanks so much!” The lady said, and the waitress was glad she didn’t miss anything. Sometimes it’s hard to tell with those sandwiches.

“If you need anything else, let me know!” Back to the mad-dash. Table to table, pony to pony, all blending together like a cacophonic symphony. Normally, a couple like those unicorns would be completely forgotten by her; just another set of faces she’d probably never see again… but she couldn’t. Her mind kept wandering back to what that woman said about unions… ‘Oh… They’re done… how long has it been?’

The waitress took the check to the table, where the mare was holding an envelope in her magic. An Equestrian 20-bit bill was handed to her. ‘Not bad…’ and of course, she was quite grateful for the invention of paper money and the convenience it brought. One of the few good things to come from that rogue state the griffons built.

“That’s for the bill.” She said coolly, making Cassie pause. She was about to turn to walk away, but she couldn’t complain about money.

Her magic opened the thick envelope, a literal wad of cash was stuffed into her apron. She thought she could cry! “I-I-I…”

“My advice?” She said as the two rose. “Move to the Syndicate. There’s plenty of union work to be found.” She gave her a smile, saying “You’re too good for this dump.” Upon closer inspection, there was a small slip of paper tied to the wad.

C.M. Will return.

She nodded to herself, calmly watching the couple leave and turning towards the break room. The opened soda was still there, and she couldn’t even be bothered to collect her lunch. Her money was quickly stashed into her purse, cigarette in her mouth even quicker. She made sure to light it just before she entered the money office where her boss was hiding.

She approached his desk, blowing smoke into his face.

“Woah, woah, what-” His outrage turned to utter shock as she took the soda and dumped it all over the expensive mechanical calculator on his desk.

“Whoops.” She said, dropping the empty glass over the machine before turning around.

“Casanova! Get back here and clean this up!” She smiled, totally ignoring the prick. “That’s it! Go! If I see you here again, I-”

Thud!

That was the sound of the door slamming behind her. She could always find another job for shit pay under the same conditions, but she refused. She utterly refused to work for the Equestrian mutts, and she despised the vultures from Griffonia equally. That’s why she gave herself a task:

Track down Cutie Marks’ and ask why she sold out to the Slave Queen of Griffonia.

On the way out the door, she looked to her alcoholic coworker and asked, “That blue and black maned mare I waited on, with the yellow unicorn stallion- which way?” But she just blinked in confusion.

“Tha fuu… No, her mane was white, with gold streaks!” She said, almost falling against the podium.

Cassie growled as she stormed out the door, muttering under her breath about the ‘complacent drunk piece of’-

“You there!” She got the attention of a couple sitting on a bench. “That mare, with the blue and black mane that just walked out, which way?”

“She went that way.” pointing down the main street.

“Thanks!” She said, heading in that direction. But she faintly heard behind her- Wait, wasn’t her mane white? “No time…” She muttered.

The bright yellow unicorn was easy to spot, as the two had simply been moseying their way to wherever. Making sure her purse was shut tight and held close, she stalked them from a distance.

Being a light blue Crystalian pony with a black mane helped her blend into the background amongst the beautiful Crystal Empire architecture; consisting of crystals, grown by skilled unicorn Crystalians and masterfully carved by artisans into the famous structures and bedecked by jewellery and large columns. Sadly, though- the art of making these buildings died out with the Crystalian Unicorn race, as well as the secrets of the prehistoric gem in the heart of their city.

It’s a tragedy that Crystalia will never forget, so long as the Crystalian Ponies walk on Equus.

“Bingo.” Cassie muttered to herself as she watched the stallion open the door for the woman. It was a decent sized townhouse, carved out thousands of years ago by dedicated, hard-working Crystalians and retrofitted by the Equestrians for their purposes. A hole was drilled somewhere near the roof, fed by an electrical powerline.

“Make’s me sick…” She muttered, taking a mental note of the location for later and heading back home; she wanted to drop the money off first, then she’d do that other thing.

Her apartment was tiny- Two bedroom, one bathroom, eight fucking occupants. And there was no easy way to get to it either, so she had to walk from one end of the city to the other. Compared to the beauty of Crystalia Plaza, the Equestrian-built rookeries and adjacent industrial park looked hideous in comparison; but for the ever-growing population, cheap housing was necessary to prevent the masses from freezing to death outside the Bubble.

All her money was stuffed into a lock-box under her bed as she threw a brown duster coat on. Thankfully, no one was home to ask questions- they’ll assume she had to pull another fuck-you shift. Before she left, she checked her pockets.

“Few bits, photo…” She muttered- she left the majority of the money under the bed, in case she never made it back. “Where is it…” She rummaged through her personal drawer, looking for-

“There!” The handle was black, with a plain button on the front.

Click!

The blade was sharp and the steel glinted off the single oil lamp in the room. A Fertilian-style stiletto knife, gifted to her as a tip by a patron visiting from Griffonia. Being so far north, it’d be getting dark soon… but that was fine by her.

—

Fweeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Sunburst was in the kitchen preparing tea, his close friend in the other room dispelling the illusion magic for what was the first time in a couple weeks. In the restaurant, she explained how she’d been travelling from Griffonia clandestinely; He was mentally kicking himself, because when he got a letter in the mail about some secret admirer who wanted a blind date he fell for it pretty quickly.

As soon as she sat down at that diner, a single ‘It’s me, Starlight!’ dashed his hopes. Still, he was more than happy to see his childhood best friend after all these years, even if she did have to come in disguise.

His magic levitated the pot, two cups, and sugar into the living room; at the same time, telekinesis was used to quickly remove the stuffy shirt suit, tossing it in a corner. Sitting on the couch, he poured a cup and passed it off to Starlight, sitting on the recliner opposite the coffee table.

“So… what the heck happened to this place?” She asked, throwing two sugar cubes into her tea. “Last time I was here, things seemed… okay, I guess!” granted, that was a long time ago.

Sunburst chuckled. “Yeah, the economy is uhh…”

“Based around overexploitation?” Needless to say, she was a little disappointed in the direction Equestria took this place. A look of worry flashed across his features,

“It’s not like that! It’s-” but her outburst of laughter made him pause.

“No, no, look- It’s none of my business how others make a living. Equestria is my concern.” Something about her demeanour and tone felt different to Sunburst, and he wasn’t sure why. “And I’m concerned Equestria might fall apart before somepony competent can prevent that.” He blinked, totally unsure what to make of this new Starlight.

“You seem… different. Is… is everything alright? Really?” She just gave a shallow shrug and a faint smile.

“Dunno. Let me be honest- I’d love it if this were just a social call, but it’s not.” She let that information sink in, taking a sip of tea. “The Don requests a favour.” he was mid-sip, almost choking on his tea when he heard that.

“You’re… you’re working FOR the Griffons!? Have you gone mad!?” She didn’t even need to look up to know he had a look of disgust and betrayal on his face.

Clink.

Was the sound of her glass being set gently down on the table, causing Sunburst to startle.

“Give to those around you if you have the means to. Do you know who told me that?” She asked rhetorically, and Sunburst cocked an eyebrow. “Leona did. That’s why I gave that poor waitress more money than she’d see working there for ten years!”

“True, but that doesn’t excuse-” He still seemed unsure, and Starlight continued-

“And I’m not working for her, I’m working with her!” Sunburst leaned back on his couch, sighing in defeat. “She and I are planning on how to save Equestria, in essence!”

“What about the Diamond Dog slave caste? Do they not matter?” He deadpanned, making Starlight huff and roll her eyes.

“What about them?” she crossed her arms, and Sunburst was utterly floored.

“It’s wrong! You want to fight for workers rights and be backed up by fucking slavers!?” She just crossed her arms and did an exaggerated shrug.

“So then do something about it.” She locked eyes with him, “End the enslavement of the mutts, I’m sure Leona would really appreciate that- get real!” Almost losing her temper, she stopped to take a breath.

“I’m sorry for raising my voice. But what I’m getting at is that Equestria is the bottom line. I’m worried about the affairs of Equestria, not where Leona sources coal!” He crossed his hooves, turning away from Starlight. “Don’t be like that!” she said, joining her friend on the couch.

“What do you mean, don’t be like that?” He huffed indignantly, “I can’t believe-!”

“And what’s going on out there is right?” She interrupted, using her telekinesis to make him look at her. “The mutts are practically treated the same anyway!” His look softened, and she added- “Face it- the Equestrian Crown has been using the media to shift people’s focus on the Syndicate to distract them from the fact that their own nation is going to shit!”

“Star-” But she wasn’t done yet.

“So are we to just sit around and wait for Equestria to shatter or fade into irrelevance? Or are you going to help me to expose the cancerous underbelly of the Aristocracy?” His look finally softened, a faint smile on Starlight’s lips. “You’re gonna use your access to Canterlot Library for me; because that’s what the aristocracy is! They’re a cancer that grows, and grows, and grows, until the organs get the life choked out of them!”

Sunburst just sat there, stock still- and sighed, looking to the side. “I can’t…” the awkward silence continued, until he slowly looked back up to Starlight.

“I understand.” She said, that same disarming smile on her face as she put an arm around his back. “You don’t want to do a favour for Leona… But could you do it for me?” she leaned in, her cheek nuzzling his shoulder. “You’re my best friend! Have been, ever since we were foals!” she stared forward, her expression unchanging. “If you won’t do Leona a favour, why not for me?”

The silence continued, until he shook his head slowly. “I-I can’t!” being so close to him, she could just barely perceive his heart beating faster. “What if I get caught? You said it yourself, Gallus has been getting more and more extreme ever since… Ugh, I can’t! I just can’t, I’m sorry!”

Glimmer let out a sigh, barely perceptible.

“Gallus has been getting more and more… difficult.” She giggled faintly, staring ever forward. “You’ve heard of the spell, Blissful Ignorance, right?” Of course, Sunburst knew what it was. As a high-ranking wizard, despite not being a great spellcaster, had a multitude of knowledge on spellwork; and he knew full well that the spell was colloquially known as the interrogation spell.

“A-are you threatening me?” He asked, eyes widening as he trembled faintly.

“No, no!” She said with a giggle, “Of course not! I just didn’t know if you heard the news!” She squeezed tight, making sure he couldn’t get off the couch. “Word out of Canterlot is they’ve approved the use of that spell, combined with… advanced interrogation. Yeah, I’d hate to be caught!”

“Tha-that’s why I won’t do it!” She just shrugged, remaining silent.

“You know what’d be messed up, though?” she said coolly, sitting up and leaning against the other arm of the couch. He glanced back at her, humming cautiously. “Imagine if an anonymous tip got sent to Gallus’ desk. You know- with dates, information-”

“You wouldn’t!” She just shrugged, leaning against the arm with a smug grin.

“Maybe, maybe not. But regardless, you can count on me to do the right thing.” She playfully put a hoof on his shoulder, making his back stiffen. “Come on, Sunny! We’re doing it for Equestria!” She leaned in and said, “We’re doing the right thing. Please.” after a few moments, he crossed his hooves.

“Alright, just… Can you promise my safety?” He asked, and Glimmer nodded.

“I made it here, didn’t I?” he nodded, and she added- “Just to be cautious, I had to travel all the way here from Southern Equestria! I never dispelled the Pallid Masque until I got here! As far as anyone’s concerned, that mare from the diner will no longer exist in a couple days!”

She laughed and continued, “Even my mane! The illusion was based off perception!” Sunburst nodded in understanding, asking-

“A Double Vision Masque? So, only some ponies saw your mane as blue and black?” He seemed confused, and she nodded in confirmation.

“About three quarters saw white and gold, the rest blue and black. Even if someone is looking for the Masque, any public reports of witnesses would get muddied up by conflicting information. Best case scenario, the whole thing would be dropped somewhere within the miles of red tape.” Being married to a master illusionist definitely came with advantages.

Finally, Sunburst grinned. “Fuck it.” her grin finally turned genuine, and she tackled him from the side with a hug.

“Thank you thank you thank youuuu!” She squeezed him, making him giggle nervously.

“Just uh… what if I get caught?” She just gave him a flat look.

“Then keep your mouth shut and remember who your real friends are. Let the red tape slow your fall, we’ll catch you.” She spoke with a sureness and confidence that put him at ease.

“Apologies for my knee-jerk reaction, earlier. For understandable reasons, Leona is not popular over here- especially in Crystalia.” He seemed much more relaxed, using his magic to lift his teacup. Starlight just snorted out laughter.

“Let me summarise!” She said mirthfully, “Some offshoot cult of Ponies migrated north to escape Equestrian persecution. Some crystal nonsense later, and the Crystal Heart was either made or discovered. They started growing and claiming territories on their own, but the first Crystal Empire ended when they tried to claim Equestrian territories. Then Sombra’s rebellion happened until he went mad and enslaved the Crystalians.” Despite her playful dismissal of the Crystalians' history, she couldn’t help but feel embarrassed when she saw the look Sunburst was giving her.

“Then Sombra murdered all the crystal pegasi because he thought they were plotting against him. Then he genocided the crystal unicorns, leaving him as the last unicorn alive with knowledge of the Crystal Hearts’ origins. Then he used his magic to turn the population into mindless husks trapped inside their own heads. The war happened, and the Equestrian army went from city to city, destroying their Heart Crystals and letting them be claimed by the snow.” He stopped briefly, taking a sip of tea and clearing his throat. “Then, Equestria defeated Sombra, played the role of selfless heroes for a while, and gave the corporations free reign to do whatever they pleased. Did you know, they’ve started expanding outside the bubble because of the increasing population density?” Glimmer blinked.

“I… I actually didn’t know that.” she admitted, trying to guess as to why. “Uhh… well, the baby boom’s a factor…” then Sunburst spoke up,

“When Sombra was defeated, so they say, many couples celebrated the event… in their bedrooms. If you catch my meaning.” She nodded in understanding and he said, “And, you know how the lower classes can get. Breed like rabbits, the lot!”

Starlight didn’t let her irritation show when he said that unicornist dogwhistle.

“Still, though- it’s a shame how they’re treated here.” He said, and she nodded as she stood up.

“Well, I have a tight schedule to keep.” Despite the fact that it’s only early evening, the sun was setting on that northern corner of Equus. Her horn lit up, preparing to put her Masque back on. He just watched bemusedly as her body itself changed form. Her coat changed rapidly like autumn leaves. The facial muscles grew tight as they changed their very form, subtly altering the shape of her eyes and nose like her bones and cartilages were wet clay. Her mouth and jawline even widened slightly, and it was finally time- her mane started shifting through a rapid rainbow of colours which seemed to spread from the root and cascade downward, before finally settling on the predetermined colour combination.

“If only it was like the movies.” Sunburst joked, “Poof! You’re different now!” she giggled, using her hooves to massage the sore facial muscles.

“Everything has a price, Sunburst. Even betrayal.” She glared at him as she lit her horn up, Sunburst nearly ducking under the table… until her hat and coat floated back to their owner. She pretended to ignore his reaction, instead gesturing out the window. “I saw the snowfields on my way here. The ruins of Quartzal were hauntingly beautiful, despite being the shattered monument of a dead past. But, you know what else I thought?” She asked, offering him a hoof and helping him out from under the table. She dusted off his shoulder as the two of them locked eyes, that same disarming smile on her face.

“I got to thinking. It’s just miles and miles of flat snow out there, driven by wind and weather. The ancient culture that sprung up around here, now destroyed and buried under dunes of snow. You could walk ten miles out there, and the wind behind you would make the landscape look unrecognisable!" Her disarming smile took on an air of smug suggestion as she said, “It’d be a great place to make someone disappear.”

His eyes widened like dinner plates, and she playfully slapped his shoulder. “Do the right thing. My people will be in contact soon. But be careful, though!” she pointed a hoof at his chest, “Be careful who you trust from here on out. If someone wants you dead, they won’t show up with a gun in their hand.” She leaned in and whispered, “It ain’t like in the books. They’ll come as your friends, wearing a big ol’ smile and a regular overcoat.”

She kissed him on the cheek before hastily making her exit.

He’d do the right thing.

—

‘There she is…’ Cassie muttered to herself, tapping the switchblade stashed in her pocket. If she was going to act, she was gonna do it now. Mittens on her hooves helped keep her footsteps silent as she stalked her, the darkness surrounding her like a cloak.

She got closer. Closer. Closer.

“Miss Mark’s?” She called out, causing the mare to startle. She turned back, eyes wide in fear as Cassie put her fake smile back on. “You got a second?” Glimmer looked around frantically, trying to locate any potential witnesses who might have heard. She sighed in relief when she realised it was just the two of them.

“O-Oh, it’s you.” She seemed nervous, refusing to turn around. “C-can I help you?”

“I just wanted to ask when you’d be coming back!” Her polite smile made no betrayal to the boiling anger within. “That’s what your note said, isn’t it?”

“When I have the means to.” She answered confidently, shrugging off the fear she felt.

“Then how many more should suffer until that happens?” Glimmer huffed, crossing her arms.

“It’s not that simple!” She yelled, but Cassie laughed.

“Typical. And I suppose that after you liberate your own kind, you’ll come back to help us?” Cassie turned around, the smile dropping like lead. “You sold out to slavers. What’ll you use us for?”

She started walking away slowly.

“Wait.” Glimmer said, reaching into her purse and pulling out an even thicker wad of money. “You want my advice? You can make a weapon out of nothing but a bottle, flammable liquid, and a rag. I have my people to take care of first. So before I head back to my hotel room, I need to know- who the fuck are you?” Glimmer asked, causing Cassie to freeze mid-step.

She looked back, a smile on her face. “Filly Casanova. I’m one of a million working stiffs out here." She turned and never looked back. “You might wanna be careful. It’s dangerous after dark, I always carry a knife on me!”

Right Behind You

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This morning, the sound of the coffee pot running in my office was like music to my ears. Glimmer’s month-long gallivant across Equestria finally came to an end, and I wanted the details. Having just woken up, we were both in our bathrobes looking dishevelled. I handed her a mug and let her pour it herself; she was very particular about how she liked her coffee, and I didn’t trust myself to not fuck it up. She used her magic to scoop up a spoonful of sugar, eyeing it carefully. Her magic was able to precisely take a few grains off the spoon before it was dumped into the mug.

She took a small sip and grimaced. A miniscule pinch of sugar was added, and she smiled when she took a sip.

I just took my favourite coffee mug out of my desk. The inside was white, except for the bottom, dyed black from years of abuse. The outer walls were emblazoned with BOSS BITCH ; it was a goofy souvenir Dee got me working at Bargains, all the way back in Manehattan. I poured the black coffee, and sipped it with a sigh of contentment.

“The ol’ office cup. The gift that keeps on giving.” I said with a smirk, setting the mug to the side. “First things first: can we trust your friend to do the right thing?” I asked plainly as she sipped hers in turn, leaning back in her chair with a chuckle.

“Definitely.” she said, and I let out a sigh of relief. “Sunburst has always been on board with my ideas. At least, ever since he helped me pen that first edition of Mark’s.” She leaned forward in her chair and asked- “So… what’s the next step?” She asked giddily, and I shrugged.

“We wait.” That seemed to dash her hopes a little, and I added- “Obviously we can’t keep sending you over, that’d be too risky. So what I’ll do is I’ll have a lower-ranking agent drop letters off in his mailbox, detailing information we’ll need him to find… maybe a cover story on there, too!”

She sighed dejectedly, looking off to the side. “Glimmer, it’s not that I don’t trust you. I just think you’re too valuable to throw around like a regular soldata.” I rolled my chair to the other side, wrapping a wing around her back. “If you get pinched, there’ll be hell to pay- for all of us. There would be nothing I could do, you’d be at their mercy!” as much as I hated to admit it, that was the truth.

“... we’re in deep, aren’t we?” she spoke apprehensively I nodded with a smirk, thinking ‘she doesn’t know the half of it.’

“But we’re gonna come out on top.” I said, and her smile grew. “Just give it time. You’ll earn your button eventually.” I slapped her on the back, moving my chair back to its original spot.

“Earn my button?” She asked, a wary smile on her face. I just gave her a smug grin.

“All a boss has to do… is press a button, and the problems disappear.” She still seemed confused, so I leaned in and whispered, “You know- in a shallow grave.” I pulled back, and she nodded slowly.

“I see…” At first she seemed unsure, so I added-

“Imagine if you could do something about that Neighsay prick.” She blinked, and her frown curled up into a smirk. Hooves steepled, she looked off to the side and nodded.

“Ah, but enough about that!” I said, taking a sip of coffee. “Tell me- how was the vacation?” She shrugged with an eh, and said-

“It was okay. Things were… tragically calm in Equestria, all things considered.” I nodded, scribbling on a notepad. “The protests have died down because the ponies are too afraid to do anything about their situation.” We both shook our heads slowly.

“No fuckin’ balls, big surprise.” I muttered, taking a sip of coffee. “Is the Snitch Squad still… active?” I asked, referring to Gallus’ sort-of secret police program. The Snitch Squad wasn’t the official name for it, just what I called it.

“As far as I could tell, yes. Maybe at a reduced capacity now that things calmed down, though.” I nodded, kind of figuring that would be the case. Fear and paranoia have infected the minds of the ponies, which could fuck up our pamphlet idea.

“Shit… if the people are too piss-scared to do anything, what good would the pamphlets do?” I held my hand to my beak in thought, Glimmer did the same with her hoof to her muzzle.

Just then, my office's PA system crackled to life.

“Don Grimfeather, there’s been a situation in Crystalia that should be brought to your attention.” Tonio spoke into the mic, and I responded into my desk’s standing microphone,

“Just give me a rundown, please.” both Glimmer and I got papers ready to scribble-

“There’s been a terrorist attack in Crystalia. It started with food-service employees fighting for the right to unionise, ended in fire bottles being thrown at the guards.”

“HA!” I yelled, chuckling like a madwoman. “Turning pigs into bacon, I like it!” Glimmer gasped and said,

“Wait, maybe this will encourage the Equestrians to fight back?” I gasped, holding my fist up for a bump. She then sheepishly grinned and added, “This… might have been my doing.”

I leaned back in my chair, giving her a blank expression. I pressed the button on my microphone.

“Thanks, Tonio. Send the papers up.” I shoved the mic off to the side and leaned into my desk, noting the beads of sweat on Glimmer’s forehead. “Elaborate. What did you do?”

“No-nothing direct, if that’s what you meant!” I held my palms out, waiting for the explanation. She took a deep breath and explained, “Look, I just… there was this waitress, and-and… I don’t know why I felt the need… but I said- you can make a weapon out of a bottle, fuel, and a rag.” I nodded slowly with a smirk, Glimmer breathing a sigh of relief.

“I get it. Tired of seeing them sit back and take it?” She nodded slowly, and I added- “Good work.” She seemed to breathe a sigh of relief, and a ding! told me the dumbwaiter arrived with the paper.

I cleared off the nearby table we used for meetings, taking a spot on the couch and gesturing for her to join me.

“What do we got?” She asked as we both read the paper.

The gist of it was that there was a strike going on, with the goal of unionising the service industries. When their demands were presented to the Crown, they were denied- and someone reportedly yelled out, “Fuck these rock-brains, they’re a bunch of druggies anyway,” with rock-brain being an insult to Crystal Ponies.

Well, the mood turned quite tense after that. Guards were called in, they postured with their magic shields and handgonnes… then a group nicknamed the Bleeding Hearts arrived, their cloaks bearing an amateurishly painted insignia resembling a broken, bleeding Crystal Heart.

“Prince Shining Armor has been tasked with keeping the peace, by any means necessary.” was the ominous way they chose to end the article.

We both took contemplative sips of coffee, each imagining ways this could end and what it meant for us. One thing was for certain, though; for now, travelling to and from Crystalia will be heavily discouraged. It wasn’t a big deal, though- Relatively few griffons ever chose to vacation in Snow Cuba except for the novelty of it.

Knock, Knock, Knock!

“It’s Adrian!” He announced himself, and I yelled back,

“Come in! Coffee’s on!” He wore a brown pilot's coat and a leather cap, his goggles hanging loosely around his neck with the left-lens blacked out. He wasted no time making his way to the counter, pouring himself a mug and just dousing it in sugar and milk. The spoon tinked around the mug, and I chuckled.

“You want some coffee with your sugar?” I asked, torturing myself with a sip of life-giving black coffee.

“I never knew you took your coffee Equestrian style.” Glimmer said, taking a sip of hers. He just chuckled, taking a seat across from us.

“Well, gallivanting around in an open-cockpit aeroplane tends to wake one's senses far more than caffeine ever will.” He took a deep sip and smirked. “Besides, I respect myself far too much to be subject to the tortures of unflavoured coffee. This is just for warming up, you know.”

I just rolled my eyes and turned to Glimmer. “Back in the army, we had to hold an intervention so this fuck wouldn’t waste all our sugar ration!” We shared a laugh as I put a cigarette in my mouth, lighting it and taking a deep pull.

Adrian turned to Glimmer with a smirk. “We had to bury the cigarettes in a wooden crate every night so she wouldn’t find them.” I huffed, rolling my eyes. “Every morning, it was like hunting for buried treasure!” They laughed at my expense, and I chuckled and rolled my eyes.

“Ball busting aside…” I turned to Glimmer with a smirk. “Take the rest of the day off. I got stuff I gotta talk about with Adrian.” I slapped her on the back, “That wife a’ yours misses you!” She smiled and nodded.

“You have no idea…” She said, getting up and grabbing her coffee and the newspaper- I didn’t really need it anymore, and she liked the crossword puzzles. “Talk to you later?” She asked, and I nodded.

She saw herself out, and Adrian turned to me with a smirk.

“The research and development phase of Operation Starfall is complete. I think we’re ready to transition into the manufacturing phase of the plan.” he said, and I grinned. “I never imagined a firearm could set off a seismograph… let alone one stationed miles away.” That comment was music to my ears, and all I needed to hear in regards to that.

“Slowly but surely.” I nodded, taking a drag of a cigarette. Adrian took a sip of coffee and asked politely,

“So… how goes things with Mrs. Tiara?” I smirked, nodding slowly.

“Fantastic. Girl has no patience, though- the first chance she got, she went to her doctor for a fetal analysis.” I took a puff of smoke, “Doc says to expect a unicorn filly.” He nodded, taking a deep sip of his coffee.

“Can’t blame her for wanting to know, though.” He chuckled and added, “I’d be lying if I said the anticipation of waiting for my niece didn’t make me want to know everything I could about her, before she was born.” I snorted out a peal of laughter,

“Please! I didn’t even know what I was gonna call her until I had her in my arms!” Then a thought crossed my mind, “With everything else in my life being so planned ahead, treating Anastasia like a surprise was like a breath of fresh air.” He nodded,

“I’ll drink to that.” He said, taking another sip of coffee. “Speaking of my favourite niece… How is she? I’d have stopped to see her, but she was already at school when I arrived.” He spoke morosely, and I smirked.

“I’m picking her up after school, if you wanna come with. Today’s her last day of grade 1, and it’d be a nice surprise.” He nodded with a warm smile, and I sighed. “She’s growing quick…”

Adrian had a smug look on his face, because he knew damn well he was taller than I.

“I swear to fuck, if she grows taller than me, you and I are gonna have a fuckin’ problem!” I joked, playfully waving a finger at him. He just shrugged, a sip of coffee covering the smug look he was giving me. It was all in good fun, though. If we were genuinely arguing, I’d have said- tough look coming from fuckin’ Peggy the Pirate over here!

My wife really loved the sounds he made that night, let me tell ya’.

“Anyways… I tell you I got an interview later?” I brought up, and he shook his head. “My wife, she’s been needing a new assistant, ya’ know?”

—

“Trixieeeeee!” Starlight sing-songed as she shut the bedroom door behind her. Her wife looked up from her spot on the bed; she was laying on her belly loaf-style, her magic holding a bowl of cereal and an open copy of Magician’s Monthly around her head. Her mane was messy and unkempt, and it looked like she’d just barely gotten out of bed.

Nonetheless, Starlight approached her wife and kissed her on the cheek, eliciting a giggle.

“Hey, honey…” She muttered with a grin, the bags under her eyes betraying her sleepiness. She lifted her head, and her wife nuzzled her neck. The adorable sigh of contentment made Starlight kiss her on the cheek.

She sat next to her wife in the same loaf-ish position.

“Thought you’d be… ready to go by now?” She asked suggestively, making the fur on Trixie’s neck stand.

“Tr- I thought you’d be working all day again…” she wondered, and Starlight gave her a wide grin.

“Leona told me Trixie misses you!” She paraphrased with a giggle, adding- “I wanted to respond, ‘I know! She was poking me all night!’”

“Well, it had been a month!” She whined, fidgeting with her hooves.

“And here I am now!” She exclaimed, hopping off the bed. “All refreshed, washed… ready to go.” she whispered into her ear, making her shiver.

Upon closer inspection, her wife looked quite good. Mane done up perfectly, smelling of tropical fruits. Fur trimmed and shiny looking and wearing an adorable smile and cute bathrobe… made Trixie excited.

Thwap!

A hoof hitting her rear made her yelp in surprise, a blush spreading across her cheeks. “Go freshen up. I’ll be waiting… Oh, Great and Powerful Trixie!”

She disappeared in a cloud of smoke like the road-runner, bathroom door slamming shut behind her.

Starlight sat back on the bed, eyeing the bowl of cereal in front of her. She shrugged, figuring her wife’s appetite was currently null-and-void, and remembering the fact that she’d skipped breakfast.

Half a bowl of soggy cereal having been taken care of, she decided it was time to play dress-up. A frilly purple saddle was chosen along with white-mesh stockings, and her look was completed with the application of makeup around the eyes. Mascara really helped to bring out her eyelashes, and wet red lipstick was a particular favourite of hers; her lips were like a brush, her wife being a delicate canvas. The artist's signature would take the form of horseshoe-shaped marks, left on her rear by special rubber shoes.

While her wife was in the shower, she called upon her friend Mrs. Rosy Hoof to help her get into the right mindset, only stopping to make absolutely sure the door was locked. Not only that, but thick curtains could seal themselves against the wall, so no angle could be used to peek inside. They used a new technology called Velcro to stick to the walls, ensuring her total privacy.

It wasn’t entirely for her, though. If she wasn’t thorough about it, her wife definitely would be.

So, she waited; sitting on the bed diagonally in that loaf position, one arm in front of her, the other resting beneath her underside. While she waited, she idly worked on the newspaper's crossword puzzles, held in her magic.

The bathroom door creaked open slowly, fog slowly pouring out. She was wearing that ridiculous purple wizard hat- but compared to the rest of her outfit, one could forget about that. She wore purple-cloth white-star patterned underwear, with black garter belts. A similar looking bra served to highlight her chest fluff wonderfully, and the laughably-small “cape” barely passed her shoulders.

“The Grrrreat and Powerful Trixie, has arrived!” Her showmares voice had a seductive, breathy undertone to it- and Starlight tossed the newspaper to the side. “I’m glad to have such a… loyal following.” she smirked, but blinked when she saw the odd look her wife gave her.

“Uh, Trix…” She kept glancing downwards, and Trixie blushed. “The masque?”

“Heh, silly me!” She giggled, horn lighting up. “I put it back on this morning when I thought you’d be out all day!”

Starlight focused on her lover’s beautiful face, but she could still see it from the corner of her eyes. Masque spells, developed recently after studying the magic which allows changelings to transform, can be used by highly-skilled ponies, to an extent. It allows all sorts of stuff- from combining with other spells, to changing entire body parts to appear different.

There was one flaw, though- not much could be done to alter the horn. Detached from the rest of her body, a doctor might assume that her horn belonged to a unicorn male. But that wasn’t who she was. She was a mare, through and through- no matter how she was born.

Despite having witnessed masque spells in action many times, it was hard to not get a slight sense of body horror; It was like blowing up one of those thin balloons used to make balloon animals. It’s like the illusionary marehood inverted itself, with ovaries morphing into testes, among other changes. But she blushed, as her lover's obvious excitement left her quivering in anticipation.

One thing’s for certain- Starlight needed this, and she knew it. Love and affection, above all else.

—

By midday, I was dressed in my normal coat-and-hat and ready to go.

“Are you sure you don’t mind taking care of the Snow Cu- Er, Crystalia address?” I asked her, fumbling over my words. She huffed, rolling her eyes and continuing to click away at the typewriter at her desk.

“Honey, I’m a month pregnant, I’m not fucking crippled.” I went up behind her, gently rubbing her shoulders. She huffed softly, turning and muttering- “Sorry… But I can handle myself!” I smirked, nuzzling her shoulder.

“Just don’t stress yourself out for my sake, honey. I don’t wanna see that!” She smiled, turning and kissing the side of my beak. “That’s why I’m interviewing that secretary you found today.”

And speak of the devil-

“Don Grimfeather, Mr. DeAngelo is waiting in your office with the interviewee.” Tonio’s voice rang over the PA system, and I smooched my wife’s cheek. Er, DeAngelo is Ross’s last name.

“I’ll be back, honey!” I said, and she waved me off.

“Eh, you do what you gotta. I need to focus on this.” She kissed me back, and I nodded in understanding.

I made my way to my office, letting myself in slowly so as to not startle anyone. Ross was sitting on the couch chatting with the interviewee, who I gave a smile.

“How’s it going?” I went up to her, shaking her hand. She gave me a nervous look, and I turned to Ross. “I got it from here, bud. Appreciate it.”

“Need me to stick around th’ house for anythin’?” He asked, and I shook my head. He turned and I remembered,

“Oh, there’s cannolis in the fridge downstairs for ya’!” With a knowing smile, he parted ways and I was left with… I don’t actually know her name.

I just casually took a seat at my desk, gesturing for her to take the seat across from me. A nearby paper had her name on it- Sybille Delapore.

“Mrs… Delapore?” I cocked an eyebrow, knowing I’d heard the name before. “Any relation to the defunct De La Poer family, that Barony from Nalot?” She blinked, apparently surprised I’d heard of it.

“Yes, actually.” That seemed to ease her nerves a little, and she went on- “Not many people make that connection!” I just laughed and admitted,

“I hope you don’t hold a lot of value to the meaning behind that name?” I pointed to the antiqueish locket on her neck, and she shrugged, “In the early days of our wonderful Syndicate, I had to entertain the nobility for a while. I wasn’t fond of it.”

“Eh, not really. My Great, great grandmother was estranged from the family, moved across the Celestial Ocean and Equestrianized her name. In fact…” She leaned in and said, “She used to keep some sort of family secret, written on a letter passed down to the next of kin, etcetera… but it was lost in a fire.” She just leaned back and shrugged, “I’d be a stranger to any remaining De La Poer descendents.”

Everything seemed legit so far- even down to her Strigiforme appearance, reminiscent of a barn owl, being a common trait amongst ancestral Nalotians.

“That’s good… So, why the sudden move back home?” I asked her with a knowing grin, suppressing the urge to wiggle my eyebrows like a knucklehead. I popped a cigarette in my mouth, holding the open end of the pack for her.

She smirked, taking one and popping it in her mouth. I flicked open my ornate lighter, lighting her cigarette before mine.

Clink!

Ash tray and a cloud of smoke between us, she spoke- “Economic opportunities, to be truthful. Or did you want to hear, ‘because I think I’ll be a great fit for this team!’” She joked, and I couldn’t help but laugh.

“Glad we’re on the same page here.” I took a puff of smoke and said, “Alright, let me lay it straight.” I leaned forward into my desk, resting my smoke on the nearby ashtray. In what was either an act of respect or quick thinking on her part, she did the same, sitting up straight.

“If you're working with my wife, you’ll be working for me. If either one of us asks you to do something, you do it. Anyone else asks a favour, just nod and pass it off to Tonio. He’s the head housemaid, he can delegate as needed.” She nodded, saying-

“Of course, Don Grimfeather.” I smirked, glad to know she already knew her station. I probably had Ross to thank for that, along with the pre-interview my wife did with her a few days back.

“Another thing you should know is that your position comes with a lot of trust. That trust is a valuable thing. If your loyalty is called into question, you might find yourself paying back a… vigorous debt.” I gave her a knowing look, and she didn’t even break a sweat.

“That’s a given. But personally, I love the syndicate and what it represents.” The way she spoke sounded genuine to me. “It’s a new era for griffonian workers!” I smirked.

“The syndicate has redefined the employer-employee relationship for the better.” I said, and she nodded. “Seriously. That trust, it comes with a lot of perks, too. Vacation time, sick time, days off, holidays off, you don’t even gotta pay your taxes since it’s coming from my checkbook anyway!” for the first time, she actually seemed taken aback. “Food, drinks, optional quarters within my compound, whatever keeps you happy!”

I leaned in and said, “Bottom line is, happy wife, happy life. Do whatever you gotta do to keep my wife happy, within limits; if you genuinely feel unsafe or don’t want to do something, come to me.” I figured I’d just leave the black and white to her own interpretation. “You keep my wife happy, I’ll make sure you stay happy. Fuck it- if she’s overworking you, come to me. I’m more than reasonable, you’ll find.”

She looked up at me with a nod, and I smirked, relighting my cigarette. I did the same for her.

“Any questions?” I asked her, and she shook her head.

“Nah, not really. During the prerequisite interview, Mrs. Tiara already went over what she’d have me doing.” I nodded, getting out of my chair.

“Then if you're interested, your offer letter could be as simple as a handshake.” We both looked at each other with a wide grin, shaking hands and sealing the deal. “Tonio’s downstairs inventorying the kitchen. He’ll get you situated.”

Personally, I had a good feeling about this one.

“It’s like I say; don’t take shit from a guy just because you work for ‘em!” I slapped her on the back on the way out, and she smiled and nodded. Before she stepped out of the room though, she stopped.

“Grimfeather…” She muttered to herself, turning towards me with a tilted head. “That name, is it Nalotian?” Once again, I was impressed.

“My grandfather was from Nalot, my grandma was from Fertilia. Good eye for details, huh?” I gave her a smirk, and she nodded.

—

“Aaaand here’s guest room five!” Tonio announced finishing off the tour of the house. “Syl, this is where you’re staying. Same accommodations as the other rooms!”

The tour had been going quite well- and Sybille, if that even was her name, was quite happy with the accommodations. But then- she noticed something odd.

“Is the carpet new?” she asked, noting that it looked newer and more vibrant than the others.

“Yeah, there was a spill or something when the old assistant left, it stuck to the carpet.” He shrugged, choosing to remain blissfully ignorant about what actually went down in this room. “Lucky you!” He said, playfully slapping her on the back.

She giggled, but then seemed nervous.

“That’s nice!” She glanced around and asked, “What made the old assistant leave?” Tonio’s warm smile fell slowly, and he turned to make sure the door behind them was locked. He gestured for her to follow him, taking a seat on the bed.

“You want my advice?” He spoke quietly, saying- “If you see something weird, no you didn’t. If you notice something odd or unusual, don’t ask for details. If someone has a weird conversation on the phone, they weren’t talking to anyone. And if someone disappears, they’ve found another job. Capische?” She nodded slowly, an unsure smile on her face. Somehow, she had a feeling that the old assistant was tasked with keeping maggots fed.

“How uh… how often-” Tonio just gave her a knowing smile, and she nodded. “Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, and keep your mouth shut. I get it.”

“It’s as simple as that!” He said with a laugh, “Honest to goodness, this is probably the best job I’ve ever had!” Syl couldn’t help but smirk, thinking to herself- ‘How the hell did they indoctrinate this guy so well?’

“Is that so?” She asked politely, giving no hint to her internal disgust.

“Yeah! With the money I’ve made, both my parents could finally retire!” He pulled out a thick wad of bills, fanning through the stack to prove a point. “Working here’s gonna put all my nieces and nephews through college, and my connections to Leona got my brothers six-figure union jobs!” he then giggled, pulling a few bills out of the wad before pocketing it again. “A little taste of what’s to come. And my brothers, they told me I’d get nowhere in the housemaid business!” He slapped the few loose bills onto the bed before getting up.

“You need anything? Just use the PA to call me.” He said, making his way out the door.

Once he was gone, she let out a sigh and flopped backward onto the bed.

“Loyalty, paid for with blood money…” She muttered to herself… Then she eyed the bills next to her head. “I could use a new dress, though…” then with a sly grin she thought, ‘what the heck? I’m here, might as well get as much as I can out of it…’

Fuel

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Today was a special day for quite a few reasons; first and foremost being Anastasia’s last day of Grade 1. Despite the rough start on the first day, she’s made quite a few friends and is doing quite well in class. Creative Studies- or, art class, is probably her biggest weakness; although, the teachers knew better than to fail her on drawing skill alone. Probably gets it from me, though: I couldn’t draw to save my life. I can design, but aesthetic painting was rarely ever my strong suit.

I was joined by my wife in the front seat and Adrian sitting behind her as she idly wrote the rough draft of tomorrow’s Crystalia Address. Until then, hourly announcements on all radio stations will serve two purposes: tell people to cancel any Crystalia trips, and to tune in tomorrow for the Address.

“So I got all the basic stuff,” My wife started, turning the radio down, “Don’t go there, it’s too dangerous, uhh…” She muttered, and Adrian spoke up.

“It sounds like they’re declaring martial law over there, at least until things calm down. Perhaps stress that fact?” He suggested, and I nodded.

“Absolutely. You think we should comp whoever got screwed out of a vacation?” I asked, and Dee shrugged.

“Maybe… We could do free-play vouchers for our casinos. Comp the rooms, maybe- I dunno yet.” She was scratching her chin and shrugged. “We’d also have to set up a committee to review the claims, of which I’m sure there’ll be many. Not to mention refunds from all the airliners and ocean liners.” I just scoffed in annoyance.

“We oughta start selling insurance for this shit. Don’t get me wrong, anything to keep Twilight’s eyes off me is a good thing. But fuck!” I said, my non-steering hand gesturing accordingly. “That reminds me. I have a plan to increase the funds in our reserve without inflation.”

That had their curiosity piqued.

“Tomorrow when we have that meeting to prepare for the zebra trip, I’ll go into details.” I promised, and they nodded. The gist of it was that I planned to essentially set up a skim of sorts. Basically, if a mine is sending like… five-hundred pounds of gold, we’ll count it for eight-hundred; throw the five-hundred into a vault, and print eight hundred worth. We’ll keep track of the gold deficit, and refill it when the dragons are dealt with. I could just start tossing around IOU’s and spend into the deficit, but it’d make me look bad.

But for now, I was pulling into the school’s pickup lane, Annie’s side near the sidewalk. There was a mid-sized crowd of kids waiting for their parents to pick them up in their cars, while the rest either took the bus or winged it. Er, literally wing it… you know, flying.

Flying is fun, but cars are more practical for everyday use, way I saw it.

Anastasia was waving her friends goodbye, with them yelling back, “Later, Yo-yo!” which was her nickname. Kids started calling her “The yo-yo” girl after the incident, and the name stuck. She bolted into the car and I hit the gas, wanting to beat the traffic.

“Uncle Ade’!” She yelled in surprise, pulling him in for a hug. He feigned struggling for breath in her arms, laughing and saying-

“Oof! If you get any stronger, you’ll wind up taller than your mother!” Ugggghhhhh…

“Cool!” She yelled, buckling her seatbelt.

“Not! Not cool!” I chastised jokingly, waving a fist for dramatic effect. She giggled and I asked,

“So, how was your last day of school?” I asked, half-listening as I focused on driving.

“Mrs. Aurelia brought out the projector, we just watched cartoons all day!” I just giggled,

“Is that so? Yeah, the last day of school is always a great time.” I kind of figured- I mean, what kind of jagoff makes kids learn on the last day of school? If you try to teach them something then, they’ll be more focused on the exit door.

“Yeah! We watched the Three Little Pigs!” Even in the rear-view mirror, I could see the excitement in her eyes.

“Really?” Adrian spoke up, “I’ve never seen that one! What’s it about?” He asked, encouraging her to go on.

“Okay, so there’s this Pig village ruled by the Three Little Pigs, called Pigtown! They live next to Sheepburg and Cowsdale.” She explained, the excitement never leaving her voice. “But one day, the Big Bad Wolf went to Sheepburg and ate all the sheep!” I let out a fake gasp.

“Goodness! What did the pigs and cows do about it?” I asked like I hadn’t approved the film myself.

“Nothing! The Wolf only eats sheep, so they were glad they were safe!” We were all nodding and hmm-ing along to her story as she told it, “But then, the wolf came and ate all the cows! But since they aren’t cows, the pigs still didn’t do anything!” Now it was Dee’s turn to speak up!

“Now why the heck would they just stand by while their cow friends got eaten?” Dee asked, and Anastasia scratched her chin.

“Because… they were too comfortable to do anything about it! They weren’t cows or sheep, so why should they do anything?” She asked rhetorically, “Then… the wolf ate the pigs because no-one left could fight the Big Bad Wolf!” She sounded so excited retelling the story- it warmed my heart, to be honest.

“What next?” I asked smugly.

“Then, the movie went back! But instead of the sheep getting eaten, they band together with the cows and the pigs! The sheep grabbed their guns, the cows stockpiled their food, and the pigs built a giant brick wall!” If her seatbelt wasn’t on, she’d probably be jumping out of her seat. “After a week of pounding on the bricks, the wolf was tired! Then the sheep climbed to the top of the wall and shot him with their revolvers!” I laughed upon hearing the story’s conclusion.

It’s a simple fable- The first part warns against complacency; the second part preaches unity and togetherness, with a bit of a patriotic flare.

“After that, they all lived together within the pigs walls! The cows taught the others how to cook better, the pigs taught the rest how to build stuff, and the sheep taught everyone how to shoot guns!” she concluded her story, “They called the new village Uniontown, because they were all united!” A bit on the beak, I know… but whatever.

“Well, glad to hear you had a good time!” I said, pulling into the driveway. The iron gate closed behind me, and I parked outside the front door. “That reminds me- I got something in the trunk for the occasion.” I said, getting out and opening Annie’s door for her.

“What is it?” She asked adorably, staring in wonder at the trunk-box. I undid the leather straps and flicked the metal clasps up, moving off to the side.

“I dunno. Why don’t ya look?” I asked, and she wasted no time. The lid was flipped upward, revealing a white cardboard box kept shut with twine. She yanked it out of the trunk, setting it on the ground and using a claw to cut the twine. Dee already had her camera at the ready in the front seat, pulling it up and anticipating the shot.

“WOAH!” She yelled, the bright flash of a camera illuminating my well-shaded front yard. It was a black leather jacket with a pocket specifically for her yo-yo, with holes for her wings and closed by a zipper; which had only recently been (re)invented. Speaking of which-

“How do I put this thing on?” She asked, and I instructed her to sit on her flanks.

“All you gotta do is take this flat metal tab-” I demonstrated, “And put it inside the bigger piece here.”

Ziiiiip!

“And make sure you don’t get your feathers caught in it!” For this reason, I only had it zipped about halfway. I think it looks better that way, though.

“Cooooool!” She exclaimed, trying to look at herself from all angles.

“Why don’t we go inside and look in a mirror?” Dee suggested, and I agreed wholeheartedly. But first, Adrian spoke up.

“While it’s been wonderful, I gotta head home.” he said, and I pulled him in for a quick hug.

“It’s been great hangin’ out! I’ll see you at that thing in a couple days!” I said, knowing full well how hectic things can get. We all had a thousand-and-one obligations, it is what it is. I slapped him on the back, making way for Anastasia to tackle-hug him.

“See ya, Uncle Ade!” He just giggled and said,

“You behave now!” He warned jokingly, and she nodded.

But now, to the mirror! Her bedroom was suitable enough, with a tall standing mirror.

While Anastasia seemed happy with her outfit, I couldn’t help but feel like it was… missing something…

Oh, I know!

“Wait here, Annie!” I said, running out the room past my wife. I got my supplies- comb, feather pomade, and sunglasses. Dee giggled as I sat next to my baby, keeping the camera ready to capture… whatever she wanted!

“Look at me, baby.” I said, using the comb to straighten the feathers.

“What’re you doing?” She asked as I popped open the pomade.

“Fixing your feathers.” I said, scooping a decent bit in my fingers. “It’s gonna be a little cold.” I warned as I started rubbing the stuff in.

“Ewwww! What is that?” She squirmed,

“Don’t move!” She stopped immediately, and I smiled, “I use this stuff in my feathers all the time- helps keep it from popping out of place.” I leaned my head down to prove a point- my feathers staying in their shiny, slicked-back position. She seemed unsure, but she never opened her beak to protest.

Instead of combing front to back, I started from the back and scooped upward. It was a little hard, but I think I got it. Then wiping my hands with a towel, I put the sunglasses on her face and pointed towards the mirror.

She gasped, her eyes probably widening under the glasses. I did her feathers up kind of like a pompadour, the sunglasses… almost completing the look.

“Wait.” She walked up to her dresser, grabbing a lollipop off the top and used her beak to tear the paper off, spitting it off to the side. It hung loosely out of the corner of her beak, and a large teddy bear occupied the corner of the room; she approached it menacingly and said,

“You talkin’ to me?”

My wife wheezed, clutching her side as she proceeded to die of laughter; she’s caught me doing a similar thing in the mirror… multiple times.

“Oh!” I yelled, feigning outrage, “You gonna let that pri- guy get away with that?” I asked, and she blew out the side of her beak like she was smoking an actual cigarette.

“Not a chance!” She unholstered her yo-yo, letting it spin near the floor. She held it there momentarily before yanking it back. Then flicking her arm forward, the metal yo-yo was sent flying towards the bear's face.

Squee! The nose squeaked, and she skillfully withdrew her still-spinning yo-yo and holstered it.

“Woah!” I yelled, scooping Annie up for a hug. “That was awesome!” that looked like it took honest to fuck skill!

“Thanks, Mamma!” she giggled, the faux-serious expression instantly melting away. “I love it!”

I sniffed, tears welling up. “I’m glad, Annie.” Words couldn’t describe how proud she makes me. Dee’s face was already wet with tears when she joined the hug.

“I love you both so much!” She sniffed, nuzzling her feathers gently. She pulled back and looked at Annie. “You hear the news yet?” she asked, and I smiled.

Annie seemed confused, though.

“What news?” She asked adorably, and Dee and I shared a giggle.

I pointed to my wife’s belly and said, “You’re gonna have a sister! A unicorn sister!”

Anastasia’s jaw fell to the floor after that one. “MY SISTER’S A UNICORN!?” She yelled, and I flinched.

“Inside voice, Anastasia.” Dee reminded her, and she giggled sheepishly.

“Sorry…” She said as I waited for my heartbeat to return to normal. “But… that’s so cool! Will she be able to do magic and stuff?” She asked naively, and Dee nodded. “Woah! She can learn a spell for doing homework and stuff!” I rolled my eyes with a grin.

“Maybe she will. But I dunno- I’ve tried magic before, and it never worked.” She rolled her eyes,

“That’s because you’re not a unicorn!” believe me, with how much I know about magic, you could fill… not a book, but a paragraph, more like. And half of that paragraph is the preamble saying I know jack shit about magic.

“No kidding?” I said sarcastically, Anastasia rolling her eyes with a groan. “But in all seriousness, Annie.” I put a hand on her shoulder, locking eyes.

“Yeah, Mamma?” She asked, her outfit looking so fucking adorable on her.

“Whatever happens, you gotta be there for your kid sister. You get it?” She nodded, and I pulled her in for a hug. “Talk to your cousin Clyde. He’ll know more about what I’m talking about than I will.” I’ve only ever been an only child, but I figured if anyone can teach her how to be a good sibling, it’s Ross’s kid. He and Daisy get along quite well, which is only what one could hope for.

“I will, Mamma! Thanks for the jacket!” She said, and I patted her on the back. She went up to Dee, “Thanks Mommy! Tell my sis I can’t wait to meet her!”

“Why not write your sister a letter?” I jokingly suggested, and she gasped! “We’ll send it to her for you!”

“Okay, Mamma!” she bolted to her writing utensils, and Dee and I locked eyes and nodded.

“If you need us, Darling, we’ll be in the living room.” Dee kissed Annie on the cheek and I nuzzled her beak.

True to our word, we only took a small detour to the kitchen on the way to the couch. I was laying on my side with my head on my wife’s lap; With the footrest up, one hoof gently stroked my back… the other was forking pickles out of an open jar and dipping them in… peanut butter.

“Don’t knock it ‘til you’ve tried it.” she said, munching on that edible war crime.

“There’s this cheese they make in a small part of Fertilia called Casu Martzu. It’s cheese with live maggots inside it.” I heard another crunch and said, “I think I’ll take that on a stale cracker before I go anywhere near pickles and peanut butter.” She just snorted.

“Eh, it must be good if someone still makes it.” She shrugged, forking another pickle up and scooping it in the peanut butter, while I cringed. God help anyone who’s craving a PB&J in this house. “But anyways… good call on the jacket. Looks nice on her!”

That made me smile. “I mean, I always had my cloaks growing up. Besides- with the way the textile industry’s heading, people’ll start dressing their kids up, too.” She nodded in agreement.

Something I’ve noticed recently is that factories have made fashionable clothing much cheaper than it used to be. In Equestria, if you want a fancy dress, you go somewhere like Rarity’s Boutique to have it made custom for you. In Griffonia, you head down to the local clothing outlet.

Dresses are increasingly common among the middle and even lower class people; A common outfit in-vogue among the people is a button-up with a brown vest and flat-cap. But people also wear dresses, coats, suits, hats… but no pants.

“Fuck pants, though.” I said while scratching my flank.

“True that.” She said, munching on another pickle.

—

“So, it’s settled then?” I asked the members of my family. We were holding a meeting in one of the offices in the Bargain’s skyscraper, built in the name of my father-in-law’s company. Dee and I were there, along with Ross, Adrian, Sinan, the Twins, and Mind’s Eye.

“Next month, Sinan and I are gonna be in Zebra territory to work out a deal with our striped friends. This will supply us with the oil we’ll need to fuel… Well everything, really. Not only that, but the dockyards used to build our oil tankers can be repurposed covertly later on. We’ll need to establish refineries on the east coast, as well as underground oil storage wells to prevent dragon sabotage.” I explained, and everyone followed along in agreement. “Sinan and I will need to get permission from the western desert zebras to build oil wells and refineries. Then we’ll need to get permission from the eastern jungle zebras to build a port for my oil tankers. Between them is gonna be a miles-long pipeline taking oil from one side of the continent and pumping it to the other. While I’d rather just have it shipped across the wider Luna Ocean to avoid dragons altogether, we needed the drydocks on our west coast for the plan to work.”

“An oil spill in the Celestial Ocean would be… very bad for multiple reasons.” Emmie piped up. “The Fish wouldn’t like it.” I nodded in agreement.

“The ducks wouldn’t be happy either, I suppose.” I shrugged, “And to fund all this, we’re gonna commit fraud against ourselves by claiming we have more gold than we actually do. All in favour?” I asked, and everyone said aye!

“Excellent!” I said, leaning back in my chair. “One last thing I wanted to discuss: Our friend, Glimmer… I’m thinking of letting her join this thing of ours, here.” I saw Adrian and Sinan nodding at least, so that was good. “She seems good. Crafty, and full of ideals.”

Adrian nodded.

“Agreed. While it’s early yet, I think she can go far under our wings.” Next, Ross spoke up.

“I dunno… she seems… soft?” I cocked an eyebrow and he elaborated, “If I’m bein’ honest, I don’t think she could pull a trigger.” he shrugged. While the two have spent some time together doing (mostly) non-violent enforcement work, I’ve never seen Glimmer in a fight.

“She’s an incredibly powerful unicorn, she wouldn’t need a gun.” Emmie spoke up, “I did the magic analysys. I’m fairly certain she could use telekinesis to tear someone's heart out of their throat, if she wished.”

“I’m sorry, what?” I asked incredulously, “You’re telling me this just now?” I was a little concerned, not gonna lie.

“Do you trust her?” He asked, and… honestly?

“Yeah. Yeah, I trust her.” I replied, and Emmie just shrugged.

“Then I trust her.” You know what? Fair enough.

I then looked to Sinan. “Any thoughts?” He just shrugged.

“I’m with Emmie on this one. She’s always pleasant to have a conversation with, and if you trust her, then I trust her.” Fair enough.

“Jos? Fin?”

As usual, Jos spoke. “As the professional button here… I’ll kill for anyone in this family.” She smirked then added, “I only ask that they’d be willing to kill for me.” She shrugged, and I nodded.

“So that’s it then- if we find out she’d be willing to be a button to press a button, then we’ll open the books. All in favour?”

Everyone in the room slowly started nodding, allowing the motion to pass, unhindered.

“I can take care of this one.”

“AH! Oh, you-!”

Fin spoke up quite suddenly, causing her twin to startle. “S-Sorry!” she apologised upon hearing the round of giggles in the room.

“Fucks sake! She speaks two fucking words a year and makes me jump every time!” She said with a smirk, pulling her sister in for a hug and asked, “What’d you have in mind?”

Fin just shrugged. “I’ll talk to her. I’m a good judge of character.” Jos nodded in apparent agreement.

Huh…

“Fuck it, why not.” Not like I had any better ideas. “Well now that business is taken care of, let’s start thinkin’ dinner!”

No-one was unsure about that motion, let me tell ya’.

Whiskey In The Jar

View Online

“Are you sure you’re gonna be alright?” Dee asked, looking absolutely adorable in her pale yellow sundress; her public identity kept semi-anonymous with sunglasses white straw hat, bedecked with flowers… Of course, hiding her identity was hardly something we were concerned about in our front driveway. Not to mention, the amulet I proposed to her with was just barely contained under the dresses’ bodice.

“Honey, you’re pregnant. I don’t want you pushing yourself too hard!” Thankfully, all the guards were out on patrol, so our conversation was somewhat private; so nothing stopped her from groaning in annoyance.

“Leona, I’m barely over a month pregnant!” She genuinely was getting annoyed, and I didn’t understand why, really. “Remember when you were nine months pregnant giving crowd-moving speeches and presentations? That time with the changelings, I was genuinely scared you were gonna go into labour!” I just rolled my eyes with a smirk, gently holding her shoulders.

“Alright alright, message received.” I said, and her scowl finally turned upward. “You’re a strong, powerful mare. I respect that.” I kissed her on the cheek and whispered in her ear- “But two things I will never apologise for: is taking care of my family, and being worried about you.” She finally conceded with a sigh, smooching me on the cheek. We pulled back with our gazes locked, sharing a much more passionate kiss.

After a few moments, she snorted and chuckled.

“What? What’s so funny?” I asked, and she rolled her eyes.

“Baby, I’m literally just spending the afternoon with Silver Spoon. You’re the one who still has to pack for the Zebra trip!” Which was true- but I still worry! She put a hoof on the bottom of my chin- “Syl is gonna be there, and I’ll have my bodyguards no more than seven feet away at all times. Besides, with the money you’re pouring into that doctor, what the hell could happen?” I just smiled and kissed her on the cheek.

“Don’t worry. I’m cooking something up to deal with that issue.” Since I hired the doctor from Equestria, he forced me to sign a contract stating that he wouldn’t be subject to the Common-Sense Healthcare act of ‘25, allowing him to charge whatever he wanted for services… No expense spared for my wife, of course- but maybe expense recovered. No expense spared, all expense recovered. Heh-heh.

“Drive safe!” I said, seeing the valet pull up in her personal car. It was hot pink and almost resembled a Cadillac, save for the lack of back seats; something we’d have to fix soon. If my car was like a big 20s style SUV, her’s was like a 20s equivalent of a hatchback, with the lack of backseats leaving room for a proper trunk. The convertible roof was popped down, since it was almost summer and they’d be driving in the city, anyway.

On my way back in to pack up my stuff, I slapped Syl on the shoulder casually; Dee would be driving her own car, and Syl would be riding passenger to get her whatever she needed. Her new assistant was still attending basic driving courses, nevermind the proper methods of defensive driving I taught my wife. Despite having a weaker engine and my wife being a chronic Sunday Driver, she can pull off a great bootlegger’s turn. Hell, the back of her car even has a deploy-only hydraulic shield which shoots up at the press of a button; it also had a wedge cut near the top to act as a spoiler, and the window for seeing through it was reinforced with new bulletproof safety glass.

It’d destroy the roof if it was attached, but I’d much rather let my wife’s bodyguards take care of a potential situation. The emergency features were simply a way for her to cover her tail while she gets the hell out of dodge. She knows how to keep an eye on any potential tails, and we even did a couple practice runs late where I genuinely lost her!

But anyways, back in my bedroom, I was ready to start packing!

I grabbed my bathrobe from off its hanger, sitting on my haunches and throwing it on my back. I sniffed the cuff and smelled fresh detergent; a peek out my window revealed my wife’s tailgate, followed by the black four-griffon security car. It was meant to resemble a standard car, but with an extra-spicy engine, steel-plated siding, an emergency pop-up roof… and an early prototype for a submachine gun.

It used guncotton as a propellant, which is a step up from black powder and a step below the top secret stuff. The problem was that it was just a little inconsistent; and when you’re talking about guns, NO! For safety, it was only transported with one thirty-two round double-stack box magazine. The reason being: if the chamber gets too hot, there’s the odd chance of magazine cookoff, aka, KABOOM! It was also designed with the idea that if it had to be used, it would be used quickly and put away.

Its silhouette was designed to look like a sawed-off lupara, which is a common glovebox piece, with black paint and finish purposefully chosen to further obscure it in the dark. A simple pull-back wireframe stock with a rounded butt was used to replace the chopped down wooden butt; the magazine is simply attached to a folding hinge and locked in place by the wire stock. And further adding to the genius of the design, the entire length bottom “barrel” was fitted with a custom-made flashlight, featuring three nickel-cadmium batteries and a shock-absorber to protect the bulb; and finally, the charging handle consisted of a small knob, knurled around the edges for grip. The barrel was technically short, too; to keep the form-factor, the mechanism is actually inside what appears to be the gun's barrel.

Only five were made and being tool-room prototypes, they had to be made with hand-fitted parts. For repairs, we’d have to send the gun back to the guy who built them. So, the doctrine for this gun was simple; let’s assume some shit goes down, and you’re chasing down some prick in the dead of night. The guy in the front reaches in the glovebox and unfolds the gun, handing it off to the guy behind the driver's seat. Then the other guy in the back undoes the latches on the ceiling, wind-resistance launching the hatch on the roof open. Finally the gun guy will stand up on the seat, and unload on the belligerent driver, trying to score a quick, dirty hit. The gun is closed bolt, so the ejector kicks the cartridges out of the right side and a deflector helps keep most of the brass within the car.

Much easier than just going at the guy with revolvers, no? With a respectable fire rate of about 700 rounds per minute with only a moderate amount of recoil from its mid-size chambering of modified .38 Wynnfield Short, the five squads of four men were easily able to pick up on its operation and doctrine… the most important part of the doctrine being the subtlety of its use.

… Or, subtle as a FUCKING MACHINE GUN! I got to test fire it on some old car someone ruined by money-shifting it, and I say this with no shame: I think I creamed myself a little after mag dumping this random crap-car, gleefully watching the wooden panelling splintering, glass shattering, tires bursting, and the test-dummy(A wooden barrel full of water) getting riddled with holes… Anyways…

Speaking of guns, I’m steadily leading in the arms race between Equestria and I, helped by me allowing bullshit patents to “leak” into Equestria, further slowing matters as the crown commissions pony physicists to “figure out” how to make one of those hand-actuated grenades work. They have, however, recently discovered a sort of percussion cap system likely based on the concept of a primer. Who knows? With just a few more barrels and a bit of creativity, they could probably convert their handgonnes into some weird pepperbox-on-a-stick contraption. And if leaked intel is correct, that may actually be true; besides that, it wouldn’t surprise me if someone somehow smuggled a revolver or two out of the country.

Big whoop. All it’d take is a single factory to field a small army with a proper submachine gun; even something as simple as a Sten-gun clone made of stamped metal and mattress springs would outclass their current arsenal. Hell, I still think I have the better trained military, having supplemented the heavy, unwieldy rifle with a single shot .55 Calibre pistol; being a break-action external-hammer pistol, it was faster than a flintlock, while remaining cheaper than a revolver. As for the rifles, they’d be replaced soon enough and besides that, my soldiers need to be used to wielding large rifles. Even their uniforms were modernised, being unarmored and simplified across the board, with dark or neutral colours replacing the gaudy armour of the previous rule. The helmet was kept too- though its efficacy is a little questionable, all things considered.

All this to say… I fucking love guns. But aside from that?

It was a beautiful fucking day, and I had no intention of “packing.” I got people to do that for me. On a day like this, quietly writing in my journal by the side of my private pool was the only goal I intended to accomplish.

Clink!

The sound of my lighter flicking open was like a pavlovian response I accidentally trained myself into. I wasted no time popping the cigarette in my mouth, lighting it and nonchalantly flicking the lighter closed. I took a deep drag, my bathrobe having been delegated to a seat cushion to allow me to really soak up rays. I literally couldn’t get a tan, of course- it just felt nice, is all. My sunglasses and wide brimmed hat were all I needed to get cool and comfortable; even better, the underground pool-pump gave off just the right amount of white-noise to help me think clearly. The water was clear as crystal, shimmering in the sunlight like—-----------------

“Don Grimfeath-”

“FUCK!” I jumped in my seat, startled by Tonio seemingly popping up behind me and making me accidentally drag my pen across the page. I held a hand to my chest and tried to control my breathing; as a regular part of my household, he was smart enough to keep his mouth shut while I brought myself out of fight-or-flight.

“What… Haaah… Wh… What?” I asked half-incoherently, unwilling to bother scolding the guy for a dumb mistake. He gave me a sheepish grin.

“I apologise, Don Gr-!” He started, but I put a hand up.

“Skip the preamble.” I said plainly, and he nodded. “It about that thing I asked you? With our friend, the Doctor, I mean.” I asked, and smiling when he nodded his head.

“I talked to the guard detail you assigned for him. He’s really taken to the casinos in his downtime, which he seems to have a lot of.” My smile grew, and I chuckled. Next to me was a garden table with a phone with a retractable cord, an envelope, and an empty glass of iced tea. I thumbed through the envelope and handed Tony a few bills when I had a thought.

“Any chance you could bring me back a whiskey?” He cocked an eyebrow… then shrugged. “You did great, by the way.” I added as he went to fetch my drink. Meanwhile, I had a job for Adrian. Nothing time-sensitive, of course- but simply put, it was a plan to recoup certain losses which I found to be… exorbitant.

—

Meanwhile, Dee was sitting on the outdoor patio of a high-end coffee joint, right in the heart of the New Featherworth district, where modern skyscrapers filled the skyline. She was with Silver Spoon along with her guard detail, awaiting her new assistant.

“So, the big guys in coats… A little overkill, no?” Silvie suggested, causing Dee to roll her eyes.

“Oh, believe me. I thought I was gonna have to fight Leona to be let out of the house!” She quipped with a laugh, “She means well, but fuck!”

They both shared their first laugh in what must have been years.

“So what brings you to our wonderful Syndicate?” Dee asked her politely, getting a shrug in response.

“Same reason everypony else does: opportunity. Of course, it’s also been getting harder and harder to make jewellery or silverware for the upper classes, and those cheapskates would probably accuse me of treason if I dared raise the price to make up for an increasing overhead and shrinking margin.” She shrugged, half-looking over her shoulder. “Even among regular ponies, you don’t know who to trust anymore!” Dee nodded, having been keeping as close an eye on Equestria as Leona has.

“You badmouth the government to the wrong person… Best case scenario, you get the wall. Worst case, you’ll be sent to a mining camp.” Dee giggled, playfully punching her friend on the shoulder. Silvie nodded, her short ponytail bobbing accordingly.

“Or even better: somepony decides they just don’t like you, all you gotta do is accuse them of spouting anti-crown talk in private to potentially ruin their lives. And as usual, the ponies on top are smart enough to make sure enough money gets thrown around to protect their own flanks from slander.” Dee nodded solemnly, and after a few moments realised something:

“Word of advice- drop the pony-ism’s.” She said, and seeing the confused look on her friend’s face added, “Everypony, somepony, etcetera. Being predominantly griffons, it’s considered rude to refer to them like that.” Silvie nodded in understanding. “Furthermore: the Syndicate is for everyone. There’s plenty of friends to make out here and being accepted into the community simply takes participation; it’ll just make it easier if you cut the somepony stuff.”

“Fair enough!” She said with a shrug. “In fact, I-”

Ding!

The door to the cafe flung open, Syl balancing a tray on her back.

“You would not believe what it took to make sure yours was right!” She joked to Dee, handing her the cup of iced coffee. Silver Spoon got a caramel macchiato, and Syl got herself a black coffee. Dee cocked her eyebrow, however- she wouldn’t dare ruin her appetite with the wrong drink, and waited patiently for her assistant to recite the contents of the order. “A twenty-four ounce coffee brewed with, specifically, East Minosian coffee beans, five ice cubes, each measuring an inch cubed and no more- though they’re probably shrinking slowly by now, two and a half pumps of caramel with exactly one ounce of skim milk, and then there was the sugar, goodness!” She rattled that off with a smirk and a deep breath- but Dee was still waiting expectantly.

“The sugar?” She asked, cocking an eyebrow.

“That’s the part that took the longest; that fuckin guy just kept eyeballing the scoops and overfilling them. Finally, I just told him to get outta the way and made it myself. Three level tablespoons.” she concluded, Dee taking a long sip of her drink.

“Fuck, that’s good.” She said, pulling a couple bills out of her purse and forking them over. “You’re good. Thank you.” She said plainly, basically telling her to fuck off without a single word.

“Wait!” Silver Spoon gasped, her eyes widening upon seeing the necklace Syl was wearing. She froze mid step, almost stumbling as she stopped. “Can I see that necklace?” She asked, filling her head with all sorts of alarms.

‘Keep calm. Everything is alright’. She pulled it off and politely handed it over. A loup was pulled out of Silver Spoon’s purse and clipped on to her glasses, allowing her to examine it up close.

“Ah-hah!” Silver Spoon exclaimed, her eyes lighting up. Despite the primal fear the outburst made her feel within, she remained calm outwardly. ‘Fuck. Fuck. How have I already been discovered? How? I’ve barely even started, FUCK!’ her internal thoughts raged on as she mentally prepared to be outed. Silver even examined the liquid within the glass, swirling it experimentally.

“My Grampa Quicksilver made this piece!” She exclaimed loudly, handing it back to Syl. “Though I can tell it’s been modified to have the original quicksilver taken out of the glass. Er, mercury, that is.” ‘So that’s where this thing came from?’ Syl thought to herself, throwing it back around her neck with a giggle. She couldn’t show it, but the subsequent relief of having a false alarm debunked manifested itself only in a casual smile.

“Probably for the best. Mercury is poisonous, if beautiful.” Dee shrugged, and turned to Silver Spoon- “In fact, isn’t that what drove your gramps crazy?” Silver Spoon just shrugged, apparently nonplussed about it.

“We’re pretty sure. But when he died, I was so young I can barely remember him." She then turned to Syl. “Seriously, thank you for not just getting rid of the whole thing. A lot of people did that, or replaced the vial with a gem or something; never seen one that was modified to to contain water like that!” Whether she wanted to or not, Syl was part of this conversation, even for appearances sake.

“I know! I think it preserves the artist's vision, that way.” She said, “My grandfather bought it to propose to my grandma. They passed and my Mother had it modified at some point.” She then shrugged- “Now I have it!”

Silver nodded. “I appreciate that. I really do.” but just when she thought they were done, she asked- “You know who did the modifications? I was wondering if I know them or not!”

Syl just shook her head. “Not a clue. Mother never bothered to tell me, I never thought to ask.” She shrugged.

“I get it, I get it.” ‘we done yet?’ “Honestly though-” ‘FUCK!’ “If you weren’t wearing it, I’d offer to buy-”

Ah-hem…

The sound of Dee clearing her throat distracted Silver Spoon for only a moment.

“Anyways, we’re done here. Please, take a seat!” She spoke in a demanding yet calm tone; the threat existed not in what she said, but how she said it.

“You need anything, let me know! Either one of ya!” Syl waved at Silver Spoon, and she waved back with a warm smile. As she walked to a nearby set of tables, she heard her master’s voice, half-whispering to Silver Spoon.

“I know you can’t resist the sight of those sweet flanks, but we’re burning daylight!” Thankfully, the verbal sexual harassment was tolerable enough, even if it disgusted her somewhat. ‘For a married woman, you think she’d have the decency to keep the catcalling to herself.’

She sat at a nearby table, pretending to read: in reality, her ears were listening intently for anything she could use for her real goal.

Finally out of earshot, she let out a faint sigh of relief when she finally felt in the clear.

—

“So hopefully, if the Doc is a degenerate gambler like I think he is, then that’s how I’ll recoup my losses there.” I explained to Emmie, who popped in unannounced to sit by the pool with me. He wore a red and white striped swim shirt… for some reason. “The casinos can kick you out if you’re acting like a problem gambler. But how about a high-stakes poker game consisting of rich socialites, hosted under the table for privacy’s sake.”

However, Emmie’s known me for a long time.

“So you’re gonna let him dig his own hole and sell him a ladder at a premium?” I just shrugged cheekily. “Hey- no one forced him to get into gambling debt, eh?” With a nod, we both shared a laugh.

“That’s right! Adrian will just happen to stumble across him at just the right moment- hey, how’s it going! I see… fuck it, you get the point. Smooth-talk him until he’s gambling his car-key away.” I just shrugged, taking a sip of whiskey.

“Rob him without a gun!” He joked, playfully punching my shoulder. “Oh, by the way- I’m joining you on that trip to the Zebra lands tomorrow.” I had the glass to my mouth to take a sip… then paused, before continuing with the sip.

“How come?” I asked- not opposed, but curious.

“Hold up, give me a sip.” He said, using magic to float the glass out of my hand… but as soon as it got close, his nose upturned.

“Ah, I assumed that was sweet tea in your glass.” He spoke flatly, glancing upward. “Really? It’s one in the afternoon!” I just shrugged, not in any mood to be judged right now.

“By the poolside on a summer day!” I defended.

“Yes; At one in the afternoon.” He reiterated, and I waved him off.

“Look, I’m not an alcoholic, not anymore. I’ve changed, I’m practically an entirely different griffon from that fuckin kid I was.” I beat it a long time ago. So why shouldn’t I have a drink by the pool? I took another sip, and Emmie conceded.

I was barely even on my third one, anyway. Fuck ‘em.

“But anyways… there’s a ritual out there that I wanted to watch. It’s hard to explain, though…” I just shrugged, knowing full-well how his occult shit can be. “That, and I just wanted to hang out with you more.” He shrugged, and I couldn’t agree more.

“Anastasia and Sinan will be along too, though.” He just shrugged and giggled.

“More people to babysit her, then. Besides, with how much she asks about magic, the last thing I’d want is for her to come home with a thirty-mile scroll of questions!” We both shared a laugh.

I finished my whiskey and held up a fist to bump. Fuck it- Dee spends plenty of time with Emmie. It’s my turn for a bit!

Thankfully for the whiskey though, Tonio brought the bottle and left it in the ice bucket. It wasn’t the fuel-grade crap I used to drink, though; this stuff was smooth, the alcohol content being a measly 80 proof. The colour was beautiful with how it refracted the sunlight and had a faint hint of caramel, outshone by the taste of alcohol if you sip it too fast.

I picked up the phone:

“Tonio, ya mind bringing out another glass?” I asked-

“Actually, just a sweet tea with lemon, if you will.” Emmie piped up, and after a few moments, I shrugged.

“Make that a pitcher of sweet-tea, I guess.” I said before hanging up the phone, leaning back, and closing my eyes. It was nice getting back to soaking up sunlight, oblivious to the world around me.

I wasn’t sure how much time had passed, but after a short while, I heard Tonio yell out “Don Grimfeather!” like he was worried about me or something.

“Huh-” I opened my eyes; my chair glowed faint blue. Emmie had a shit-eating grin on his face, and I… was suspended a foot above the water, chair and everything.

“OH FU-!”

SPLASH!

“YOU FUCK!” I yelled, wondering how I got so… so lucky to have a friend like him. I didn’t want to strangle him at all, no sirree! “Help me get my chair out of the water!” Emmie was laughing his ass off… and even Tonio was giggling. I glared at him, the giggles stopping immediately as he listened,

“Tonio, shove him in.”

“Wait wha- AH!” He yelled in surprise as my favourite butler shoved him into the pool the old-fashioned way. Emmie was spitting water out of his mouth when I looked at him with an exceedingly smug grin.

“Now we’re even.” I said, the two of us sharing a friendly laugh. The water will eventually evaporate, but it’d take more than getting shoved/thrown into a swimming pool to break us apart.

Splash!

He splashed me with water, the fuck!

“OH, NOW IT’S ON!” I yelled jokingly, kicking off the war with a water-volley of my own.

Tonight promised to be quite fun!

Drunken Sailor

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Let me tell ya’s: It’s been a fuckin minute since I last had a proper hangover. And being woken up by my wonderful daughter yelling BREAKFAST TIME, MAMMA! WE’RE GETTING READY TO GO! Was uh… Ah, there went my train of thought. Fantastic.

Having shambled into the shower to wash up, I was thankful to see that my outfit for the day had already been laid out for me. The shower helped immensely in waking me up, but could only do so much for the pounding headache I had; and it wasn’t my usual type of headache, as the tylenol wasn’t even strong enough.

I struggled with my white button-up before throwing on my black vest, decorated with gold hemwork; Oddly enough, it was a bit tighter than I remembered. A small button-up pocket concealed a switchblade stiletto, a bandolier of .455 Long came with its own holster for my revolver: slung diagonally across my chest, leaving the holster partially concealed under my left arm. As an afterthought, I decided to check my gun.

Snap!

A single button held the holster’s flap closed, and undoing that revealed the butt of my gun. The black rubber grips had a ring for a lanyard, but I didn’t need it. It was a fat fuckin’ piece, and in many ways reminded me of a Webley; with its top-release conveniently next to my thumb, making it much easier to use. Using my other hand, I could partially open the chambers without spitting the cartridges everywhere, and closed it with a satisfying Snap! Once I was done with my inspection.

I know top-breaks like the Webley and the Schofield fell out of favour because powerful cartridges would wear down the hinges, but the way I see it, it’s just black powder. Out of a barrel this short, the velocity tapers off quickly: But as long as you keep it oiled and clean it every time you shoot it, it’ll be fine. Even shooting it a few times will leave your hand black with soot, and if you leave it on the metal then it’ll get eaten away.

That reminds me, I need to look into the current sustainability of whaling; alternatively, I need to push for the development of synthetic lubricants to help replace the use of whale oil. Probably the latter, now that I think about it.

Anyways, I finally threw my overcoat on!

Then I saw the weight scale, practically taunting me from the corner of the bathroom. I figured, what the heck? It’d been a while since I last weighed myself…

The gauge on this scale looked like the rev counter on my car in the way it shot up.

‘Four-fifty…’ I muttered, seeing that it was awfully close to the red. Look, I know I put on a few pounds in the last few years, but that can’t be right.

First went off the overcoat.

‘Four-fortyfive…’ Then came the bandolier and pocket knife.

‘Four-thirty…’ I then looked back at my leg. ‘It’s made of oak… so take like ten… nah, about twenty pounds off for that.’

“That’ll do.” I said to myself as I got dressed again and headed downstairs.

Thankfully, breakfast was barely in swing. Everyone’s smart enough to know that “Breakfast time!” Didn’t imply that it was done, but that it’s time to get ready.

No sooner than when I sat at the table, Mamma set my plate in front of me that almost made me forget the hangover I had; a mountain of scrambled eggs was bedecked by a garland of ketchup, surrounded by foothills of crispy bacon and a valley of hashbrowns. A pot of coffee sat in the middle of the table, as did a jug of orange juice and a couple bottles of milk; syrup, butter, and whipped cream was set out for those who had pancakes.

We all sat around and just talked, since they knew Annie and I would be gone for a while. As we were eating, I couldn’t help but notice that my plate was a bit… bigger than everyone else's. Didn’t stop me from finishing it, though; goodness knows I can’t stand wasting good food.

“Thanks, Gramma!” Anastasia spoke up, her plate still having half a stack of pancakes. “Breakfast was good!” She grabbed her plate-

“Oh!” I yelled, getting her attention. “Breakfast ain’t over yet.” I pointed to her plate, making her sheepishly sit back down.

“But I’m full.” She huffed, reaching for her fork.

“Well then give it to me if you ain’t gonna eat it.” I conceded with a huff, my daughter wasting no time setting the plate atop my empty one. I ruffled her feathers and said- “You know how many people go without? Wasting food is no good. I can’t stand it.” I said, using a fork to scrape the excess whipped cream off.

“I know, Mamma. I’ll try not to!” She said innocently as she half-bolted out of the room. With a smile, I forked up a bit of pancake, savouring the-

“You’re right, sweetie.” Mamma spoke up, “Wasting food is terrible.” I nodded, taking another bi-

“Oh, please, look at her! She’d never let your cooking go to waste!” My wife chuckled from beside me.

Clack!

I literally dropped my fork. Why did I want to cry? We’re just eating breakfast, why…

Thunk!

“I am NOT FAT!” My fist slammed into the table upon that outburst, causing the remaining two occupants to jump. I was fuming, breathing heavily through a grit beak.

“No, no! That’s not what I meant!” My wife instantly threw her arms around me, making my anger melt away. “Honey, I’m saying your mom’s a fantastic cook, that’s all!”

With a sigh, I wrapped my arms around her in turn.

“Sorry. I can’t help being a little self-conscious…” I muttered, making sure my shirt was covering the pudgy bit of my stomach. “Between having Anastasia, and-” but Mamma interrupted.

“Can I butt in?” She asked, throwing a wing around my back with a loving smile. “After breakfast, you can come with me on my morning runnin’-fly.” She suggested, and I shrugged. A “Runnin’-fly” is basically her daily jog and short flight for exercise… not that it’s doing a whole lot. She’s only a little thinner than I was.

“Eh, nah.” I said, which was apparently the wrong answer, if Mamma’s glare was anything to go off of. I just shrugged- “What? I already showered and I don’t wanna get my running leg out!” Which was basically a peg leg with a dish-shaped bottom and a cradle made of thick, concentric springs which allow the dish to tilt in any direction; one of the many Syndicate advances to come from nationalising medical RnD.

The glare never left. “Alright, alright, I’ll go.” I conceded, and Mamma smiled.

“You know what else you can do?” my wife asked, and I cocked an eyebrow. “Cut back on drinking. Seriously.” And before I could respond, Mamma spoke up.

“That’s true! I read that alcohol is basically just dead calories; not to mention, it makes you crave unhealthy foods!” Which was… true. “Seriously, I read it in a magazine, once!” I nodded, unable to refrain from chuckling.

“I know, I know… Of course, honey.” I said to my wife, turning and giving her a kiss on the cheek. She giggled, returning the favour with a smooch on my beak; Mamma kissed my temple before returning to her plate.

“I… I’m sorry for what I said earlier. Thinking back, I can see…” I just waved a hand, muttering fugeddaboutit under my breath. “No, no! You’re right to have reacted how you did, I-”

Once again, I had to laugh. “Don’t worry about it!” I hugged her tight from the side, saying- “I’m not worried, why are you?” She smiled, kissing me on the cheek.

“I love youuuu!” She singsonged, making me grin.

“Love you too!” With a peck on the cheek… Pancakes!

Despite being significantly closer to room temperature, the pancakes were still fantastic! Though while I was still engulfed in oral bliss, my wife spoke up.

“You think I could join you two for the jog?” She asked innocently, causing Mamma to drop her fork in offence.

“OH!” She half-yelled, outraged at the thought! “No! For cryin’ out loud, you’ve got a baby on the way! For all you know, it could stress the baby out!” Dee looked at me incredulously, and I shrugged.

“Don’t look at me. I put up with it for nine months, too.” While I hated going against her wishes, I got away with it because Mamma couldn’t really stop me. But Dee? Eh, she’ll be fine.

“Uuuugh! Fine!” She groaned, much to my amusement. But thankfully, the rest of breakfast went by smoothly. Still- things could be worse.

—

Because it’d be faster, we would be taking our zeppelin from Featherworth to one of the western seaports, where we’d take a ship down to Vay-Na’hay, or the Zebra Jungle. Due to the lack of a proper landing spot for a plane or a zeppelin there, it would have to do.

“Bye, Mamma! Tell my kid-sis I can’t wait to see her!” Dee was saying goodbye to our baby just outside our zeppelin. We were still on the runway bitumen, and the sound of mail-planes and passenger-planes droned on like white noise.

“I will, sweetie! She really likes your letters, too!” Dee said, since Anastasia was convinced her sister was just waiting to move in; we figured we’d encourage her and keep the letters with the Anastasia Dossier(family photo album) for sentimental reasons. “You’re very good at writing!” She said, ruffling Annie’s feathers.

“Maaaa! I knowww!” She whined, reaching into her jacket for a comb to fix her pompadour. “Writing's easy!” She bragged, and I ruffled her feathers again.

“Alright alright, go fix your feathers. It’s my turn for goodbyes!” She whined at me further messing up her new feathers, and she sulked off into the zeppelin.

I just looked at Dee and shrugged… before we pulled each other into a tight hug.

“I’m gonna miss you…” She whined into my chest fluff, and I sighed.

“I know… but someone’s gotta keep the peace around here while I’m off playing Diplomat.” I said, not really wanting to do this, either. “But we need their oil irregardless.” I said, sounding like a true American politician.

“I know…” She muttered, pulling back and kissing my cheek. “And promise me you’ll cut back on drinking.” I chuckled nervously.

“Dee, what-” But she was hearing none of that.

“I’m serious! It worries me sick seeing you as drunk as you were last night!” The look in her eyes pained me slightly, and I conceded with a sigh.

“I-I know, honey… I promise.” She gave me a warm smile, and we shared one final kiss goodbye… but I found myself unable to let go.

“Baby? Is everything okay?” She asked, and I couldn’t shrug the guilt off. I had a look of shame and embarrassment pulling that flask out of my coat pocket and pressing it into her hooves. I couldn’t meet her gaze if I wanted to- I was just looking off to the side awkwardly like a kid pulled to the front of a classroom.

She hugged me, and my eyes shot open.

“I’m so fucking proud of you…” She said, and I let out a sigh of relief. “Don’t apologise. Thank you.” She said, sounding like tears were genuinely welling up. I felt relief when I realised she wasn’t angry because I planned on going behind her back… but I couldn’t help but feel a twinge of regret, either.

“I love you so much, honey.” I smirked, kissing her on the cheeks before she pulled my face to hers.

When we were done tongue-wrestling on the pavement, it was time to say our actual goodbyes… then we were off!

“OI!” Emmie yelled from the open window of my Zeppelin. “YOU TWO DONE SNOGGIN’ YET?” I scoffed in annoyance, producing my pocket watch and flipping the lid with a thumb-

“CRAP!” I yelled, kissing Dee on the cheek one more time before running up the ramp, turning and waving before it shut.

“BYE MOMMY!” Anastasia yelled from a window, Emmie’s telekinesis being the only thing keeping her from jumping out.

“BYE BYYYYYEEEEE!” She yelled back, waving back at all of us! Making my way onto the bridge, I saw Sinan running towards an open window.

“HOLD ON, I THINK I LEFT MY CAR RUNNING!” He yelled with a wide grin and a joking tone of voice, “TURN BACK, I GOTTA CHECK!” I saw Dee on the ground laughing as the zeppelin began her ascent, the rest of us joining in.

“Hope you gassed it up before you left, then!” I slapped him on the back, knowing full well he was joking.

“Well, somebody has to go turn it off!” Anastasia yelled, thinking we were being serious. “If you let it drain all the way, dirt and stuff will hurt your engine!” Being my designated Flashlight Holder, she’s accompanied me through the many times I stared at my engine scratching my head while rattling off whatever possible issue comes to mind: It’s like running my mouth on idle. While I could pay some jagoff to change my oil for me, what do ya’ learn by doing that? Nothing, that’s what!

Rant aside, we finally started settling in as we ascended smoothly. It was nice; Emmie sat on a chair reading a book, Anastasia flipped through the Salieri & Redbuck mail-order catalogue, and I… was writing in my diary.

“You ready to feel like a fish out of water?” Sinan asked, pulling up a chair next to me, sipping from a rum-and-soda on the rocks. It was only noon.

“Come on, man…” I spoke quietly, “It’s barely even noon yet.” He snorted, taunting me by holding the glass up. My war friends… I never told them my struggles with booze, before.

“And I should be outcast?” He suggested with a sly tone, and I forced myself to giggle. “Come on- on a day like this?” an outstretched arm gesturing towards the shrinking landscape below.

A gentle breeze lightly caressed my feathers and fur from the open window. The zeppelin sailed through the blue sky smooth as butter, and the cabin was in total shade in the midday sun. A deep breath brought the scent of a crisp, springtime sky: a sensation that only a pegasus or a griffon could relate… or a halfling like Sinan.

“Gimme a sip.”

—

The sound of galloping against a concrete sidewalk could be heard as a grey earth pony stallion with a jet black mane was finishing up his midday jog; the only clothes he wore being the sweatbands around his forelegs and forehead. Ponies tend to sweat a lot, and he was no exception to this rule; drenched with sweat, his matted fur only highlighted his natural earth-pony muscles.

He sighed in relief upon seeing the moderately-sized house that he and his darling settled down in; and for what all his sensationalist friends and family in Equestria told him about the Syndicate, he was glad he didn’t listen. Even before their move, his wife’s connections scored him a high-paying union job doing what he loved.

He fiddled with the key and grabbed a dry towel he left on the hat-rack, so he didn’t trail sweat through their home.

“Uggghh… why do ponies have fur?” He muttered to himself with a smirk as he came down from his runner’s high. Who needs drugs when you can just run? While not particularly drugs, he has had problems with addiction in the past. His matted fur felt heavy on his back; in the house and within the bathroom, his sweatbands were thrown in a hamper with a pedal-lid.

Now for a shower, the cold was set to high. It made him shiver but it was so, so good. The grease and grime of intense workout ran down the drain, and scented soaps and oils made him look far more presentable. Once he was out, he looked at his dim reflection in the foggy mirror; but despite this, the cutie mark of a chef’s fork and knife still shone as bright as the day he got it.

“Truffle’s, you almost done?” his wife yelled, banging on the door. “I gotta pee!” He just giggled.

“Just a sec, Silvie!” He said, throwing towels around his back, neck, and mane. The pounding continued and he briskly made his way out.

“Thanks!” Silver Spoon yelled out, kissing him on the cheek. “OUT!”

SLAM!

“Heh. Mares.” Truffle Shuffle joked under his breath as he dried off.

—

“MAMMA, MAMMA! WAKE UP!” Was my alarm clock, and followed by the sensation of a blanket being pulled off me. A glance at the clock told me it was a little after ten. A glance out my window then told me it was night. Finally, I glanced inward- and remembered that I was fucked up.

“Huh?” Was all I could mutter, feeling like my face was glued to a pillow.

“We gotta get to the boat, Mamma!” At the time, the only word I properly understood was boat. Once again- the louse seemed to help.

“Uuugh… stuff, packed?” I muttered, and Anastasia nodded rapidly. “Goo’ ‘nuff.” getting out of bed felt like wading through mud, and I almost face planted trying to get out of bed in this stupor. “Less’ go.”

Getting off the zeppelin was also a bit of an issue, as the ramp was steeper than I thought.

“Ayyyyy, boss!” Sinan yelled, nearly face planting as he tried to wave at me. I pulled him in for a hug, almost knocking us both over.

“Did som… some’un calla cab?” I looked around and saw no such nicety.

“We’re walking.” Emmie said grumpily, using his magic to lead Sinan by his shirt.

“Wha’evah!” I said, marching onward to victory!

“Uncle Emmie taught me a lot of stuff!” Anastasia beamed proudly, and I drunkenly ruffled her hair.

“Oh yeah? Like wha’?” I asked… rather stupidly.

“That if it weren’t for the Fertilian Basin, Griffons wouldn’t exist!” She rambled excitedly, and I was at her mercy, now. “The rivers from the mountains would flood every season, getting silt everywhere!”

“Is that so?” I said, almost tripping on a stray pebble.

“Yeah! And that silt makes the ground good and healthy for growing food!” As she rattled off, I nodded along aimlessly. “Then they built dams and stuff to control the flooding! Now, griffons could-”

“Honey.” I said abruptly, “Tomorrow. Alright?” She just looked up at me with that look in her eyes. “You’re a smart girl. I’m proud of you.” Smarter than me, probably.

“Thanks, Mamma.”

As we walked towards the large steamship which would get us across the ocean, I had a wing wrapped around Anastasia.

At least I’ll never make her disappointed in me.

—

Silver Spoon sat at her dining room table with a look of warm contentment on her face. She wore a stylish black dress, accompanied with her silver proposal amulet; she just left her glasses in the bedroom, as she felt she looked better without.

“So sorry for the delay, my dear!” The kitchen curtain shifted, revealing Truffle Shuffle in a suit-shirt and a (somewhat silly) chef’s hat.

Silvie giggled. “You dork!” She teased playfully, and he kissed her cheek. On his back, rested two platters, transferred to each side of the table.

“Banana split- with enchanto-preserved bananas making them as fresh as off the tree!” He lifted the lid to his wife’s visual delight. “Homemade brownies, Fertilian vanilla gelato, strawberry sauce made with fresh strawberries, even the whipped cream was just made! You heard the mixer in there.” He joked, Silvie feeling as happy as the day they were wed… but it was missing something. “Maraschino cherries, chopped walnuts…”

“And?” Silver Spoon asked expectantly.

“Sprinkles!” He pulled the jar out of his suit pocket, unscrewing the cap and leaving a good dusting on his wife’s sundae… and completely ignoring his own. “... If you have poor taste, that is!” He joked, before his wife used both hooves to pull him in for a kiss.

When they finally pulled apart he said, “Hold on! Dessert first, then we’ll have dessert after… get it?” He kissed her blushing cheek before taking his seat and digging into his own sundae.

Having finished dinner and all the conversations that went along with it, dessert was all that was left to go over- and a personal topic, at that.

“So… how’s Diamond Tiara?” he asked nervously, “Is uh… is she-” But Silver rolled her eyes.

“Truffles, she’s a different mare than when we were little!” she explained between spoonfuls of ice cream. “She’s sorry for what she did. And it was only sheer goodwill on her part that expedited our emigration!” The fact that the two had always remained pen-pals was… definitely useful.

“I know, I know…” He muttered with a sigh. “But… I dunno.” He just shrugged, going back to his ice cream.

“I mean, we both have jobs! You’re unionized, and being friends with Diamond fucking Tiara means my business has an overhead of fuck-all!” She explained, “I was asking her how the small, craft business Tribute works, and her response was- ‘I’ll talk to Leona, don’t worry ‘bout it.”

Truffle had a nervous smile, so he hid it behind a bite of ice-cream. “Just… be careful. I don’t want us in their debt, even if they do mean well.” While a lot of the stories about Leona are outrageous… some of the themes seem to repeat. Particularly, her flippant use of violence to get her way.

“Honey.” Silver Spoon held her hoof to her husband’s, easing his nerves considerably. “You changed. I changed. We’re all different, better pon-people, now. You wanna know what else she told me?” With a warm smile, the two met eyes.

“The Syndicate is all about second chances. Alright?” Slowly, Truffle nodded with a smile.

“Alright, sweetie.” he conceded, still feeling somewhat uneasy.

“Now let’s finish up so you can get to the main course!” She said, batting her lashes seductively.

“Yes, ma’am!” He yelled sarcastically, wondering how someone like him bagged someone like her. She says it’s not because of his weight loss… but a nagging voice in his ear made him unsure. He just hoped his wife would finish soon- even the few spoonfuls he had were no good for his diet.

—

The next morning, I found myself retching over the deck of the ship we were taking. Thankfully it wasn’t seasickness, or I’d have to endure this for an entire week. No, it was seasickness because of a hangover. Salty ocean water sprayed my face and made me even more nauseous, while Emmie was showing Annie some magic spells on the other side of the deck.

“Watch this!” He said, his horn glowing… strangely. It was like a green snake was wrapping itself around his horn, enveloping it completely as oddly aquatic symbols started to form. Lines and perhaps hieroglyphs seemed to represent waves, aquatic creatures, and other assorted weirdness. “Fiske-Oy’yeh!”

I crept closer, despite the nausea. Then it all just… just fucking disappeared… Until a fish launched out of the water, landing impotently on the deck and flopping around.

“What?”
“What?” Anastasia and I both spoke up simultaneously, causing Emmie to giggle.

“Call Fish. It calls for a fish.” His blue telekinesis field enveloped the fish and gracelessly chucked it into the ocean.

“I don’t get it.” Anastasia said- and I was with her on that one.

“Magic is fucking weird.” I said, leaning back over the ship’s railing while my stomach continued doing somersaults.

Just relax. It’ll be over soon.

Dark Necessities

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I’ll be honest: I haven’t haven’t had to cross the ocean in a steamship in a while… not for a lack of trying, of course. The air was salty enough to season your dinner with, there wasn’t a lick of shade on the deck, and we’d have to persevere for a week. But below deck?

Part of the cargo bay was walled off and turned into what looked like a large hotel room for our own purposes; it was then further walled off, so Sinan would essentially have his own room. It had a bed, desk, dresser, writing utensils, and a radio. The main room had separate beds for me and Anastasia, with a couch and shared bathroom consisting of a basic stall shower. Bringing Emmie along was no issue- he wouldn’t mind crashing on the couch.

So, why all the subterfuge? Why was I drunkenly stumbling down to the docks at 10 PM? Well, secrecy. If Equestria finds out I’m going on a diplomatic mission down to the Zebra Territories, they’ll wanna know why. Nosy pricks.

For now, Sinan and I were re-reviewing the map, sprawled out on a folding table in the middle of our room.

The Zebra Territories lie directly south of Equestria, going all the way to the Equator. The territories to the farther south are uninhabitable by equines, so it became known as the Dead Zone. But anyways, when the continents crashed together billions of years ago, it created the diagonal mountain ranges where Zebra culture was divided enough to form a noticeable schism. Thun, or The Wall, stretches from the northwest, to all the way down the southeast; the main passthrough of which lies in the centre and most importantly, in complete control of the chucklefuck I was going to meet. That’s where, eventually, the oil pipeline will go through.

Further complicating geography, the other side of the mountain is total desert. The reason for this is because the mountain range is so high, that winds from the Ocean carry lots of rain and moisture to the jungle side, but it cannot pass over the mountains. The result is a dry, dune-kissed desert, where the only saving grace is the two great rivers that pass through as a result of seasonal flooding in the jungle, allowing for irrigation techniques. From what Sinan believes, it’s only by sheer chance that those mountain basins have drainage paths down to the desert side.

Most of those drainage basins look towards the jungle, and that’s where the evident ‘haves’ separate from the ‘have-nots.’

In the jungle territories, there is a sort of agreed-upon stability based on the principle of ‘if we’re fighting each other, we’re not making money.’ And thus, the Hippotigrian King in charge of the single commerce-viable passthrough essentially has a monopoly on trade goods. You had Hippotigria in the middle, and on each side of it is an incredibly wide, near-impassable river. If their neighbours want to trade, they go through Hippotigria; essentially it’s the bondage of Feudalism keeping the jungle safe.

Exotic fruits, luxury furs and meats, rare medicines and herbs, silks, rubber, wood, and all sorts of unique goods are grown and produced in the jungle. There’s few reasons I could think of as to why the ancient Zebra’s might have decided to move into the desert… so why?

“So wait, what drove zebra’s to migrate past the mountains?” I asked, and Sinan shrugged… at just the right time.

“I’m baaaaaack!” Emmie yelled as he burst through the door.

“Ayy!” I pulled him in for a casual hug, Anastasia jumping up and doing the same afterwards. “Perfect timing! Why do zebras live in the desert?” I asked in a joking manner, and he cocked an eyebrow.

“Yeah! Uncle Em, why do zebras live in the desert?” Anastasia enthused, making Emmie shrug.

“Pull up a chair and gather ‘round, everyone!” STORY TIME! I genuinely loved hearing his stories, and this was no exception. That’s part of why we became such fast friends, is because he’s… well, you’ll see.

“Eh, why not?” Sinan said, joining the rest of us around the map table.

Emmie’s horn lit up blue, orbs of light jumping off and changing form. They looked like small ponies and zebras, situated on the table below the map.

“SO! A long, long, stupid long time ago, and far, far, stupid far to the south lies a nice bit of land!” It was like a glowing hologram, with simple rolling plains and cartoony trees decorating the table. The horses hopped around like little porcelain dolls. “Ponies and zebras lived together, maybe even in harmony! Presumably, they built cities and monuments and farmed and probably practised rudimentary magic… but who can remember?” He said with a shrug, decorative ziggurats and wheat fields dotting the imagined landscape.

“Then… this happened!” All of a sudden, large black obelisks of light rose out of the illusionary rendition, causing the equines to start running around in a panic. “Something called mananite, of which there is lots towards the south pole, forced them all north! The crystals drained their energy and made them sick otherwise.” Slowly they started making their journey north, with the little sprites occasionally falling over dramatically, ‘exhausted’ from the journey.

A glance over at Anastasia showed a look of utter wonder in her eyes, and I couldn’t help but smile. That was kind of the point of this trip, after all; showing her a world beyond the borders of Griffonia. It’s more than she’d learn by chasing her tail all summer, after all.

“Then, it was a miracle! Fields of craggy black mananite gave way to dense jungle, full of food, water, and… cats!” A few more orbs populated the map, representing large jungle trees… but these weren’t normal cats; in fact, my heart almost skipped a beat when what at first appeared to be common tigers… stood up. In so many words, it looked human in overall shape and form, with a lithe feline body accented with protruding ears and tail. “They go by different names, depending on who you ask. They’d call themselves Abyssinians, if they were still around. The zebras called them the Hu-Na’an… or as the ponies spelled it, Human.” He said… eerily looking right at me as he said it.

“Wait, do they have fur?” I interjected, and he gave me a knowing smirk.

“Nope! But they did wear clothes to protect themselves, meaning that they likely migrated from the deserts and northern jungles untold millennia ago, signified by the occasional ruin. But back to the zebra and pony tribes-” He said, creating more zebras and ponies. “At this point, these loose tribes of wanderers had two options: Either fight, or sneak through the jungle and escape north. At this point in their journey, many were tired of not having a proper homeland anymore. The jungle had everything they’d need there, they’d just have to deal with the bronze-age carnivores inhabiting it.

“One group of refugees were tired of moving, and ready to fight for whatever piece of jungle mud they could claim for their own. The others were crafty, slowly enduring the mountains until they found a proper passthrough. The jungle zebras fought hard, and the Abyssinians fell off the historic record not long after. It was never a contest; the zebras had magic and alchemy on their side.

“Meanwhile in the north, zebras used that magic and alchemy to dig canals and irrigation paths through the wide desert, divided by the great flooding rivers. The Abyssinians were basically wiped out, and Zebra civilization underwent a sort of renaissance as they were finally able to settle. They picked up the pieces, built infrastructure, and enslaved the ponies- Zebras had been the status quo for thousands of years, perhaps being ancient enemies of ponies. Maybe a great pony civilization and a competing zebra civilization co-existed; if the pony kingdom suffered a terrible enough downfall, the scraps of zebra civilization could force the landless masses to work for them…

“But, that’s some speculation on my part!” He said with a shrug, allowing the illusionary show to fade away. “Anyways… due to various socioeconomic and political reasons, as well as succession crisis’ and compounded with the heavy monsoon season left the zebras weak overall. Meanwhile in the north, loose bands of tribal ponies were working together to escape their chains… these ponies would go on to form the Equestrian Republic, which preceded Celestia!” Then with a final deep breath, he flopped onto the couch.

“Any questions?” He asked with a smirk, Sinan slowly nodding his approval at the lesson.

“YEAH! How come-!” Anastasia spoke up before I could.

“Hold that thought.” I said firmly, Annie’s question trailing off. I turned to Emmie. “You got a minute?”

—

Nearby, the sounds of birds chirping made themselves known. The scent of a smoky grill wafted across the field of verdant grass, and the distant sounds of cars were muffled by a wall of trees and hedges.

Middlefield Park was a quiet refuge within the bustling metropolis of Featherworth; a city with a skyline so wide, Starlight reckoned an artist would need a barn door sized canvas to fit any detail in! In such a large city, it’s easy to lose a face in a crowd; A wide bonnet, sunglasses, and purple spring dress were enough to hide Starlight’s identity amongst the jovial park goers.

The bench she rested on was wide and deep- a conscious decision, according to Leona, to accommodate the homeless… Or as she so crassly put it, “I mean, shit happens. It’s bad enough to get kicked out on the friggin street, let alone not have a place to sleep. At least this way, an officer can get them in contact with a social worker or rehab if they need it.”

“That shouldn’t be a hot take.” She muttered aloud with a sigh.

“Starlight?” An exceptionally soft voice spoke up nearby, and the familiarity made her heart skip a beat.

“F-Flutter-! Oh…” Fin, one of Leona’s friends. Starlight just gave her a sheepish grin. “Sorry, you just sound a lot like a friend of mine.” Fin sat oddly, too- when stopped, she’d sit on her flanks and have her hands idly hovering over the black vest and shirt she wore.

Starlight scooted over, making room on the bench. Fin accepted, one arm leaning against the side and the other held in that mid-body position.

“What brings you out here?” Fin asked casually, peeling foil off a sub sandwich.

“Well, I wanted to fly a kite…” She muttered, the wood and canvas toy leaning on the benchside. “But there’s no wind. So, here I am.” With a shrug, she leaned back.

“Is there no spell to make it windy?” she half-whispered, once again conjuring memories of Fluttershy.

“Eh, it’s not the same.” She almost scoffed, and Fin chuckled innocently. “I take no shame in my hobby.” Having misinterpreted Fin’s chuckle, Starlight was a little offended- but Fin held a hand up.

“I’m not poking fun. Kites are cool.” She said, a nostalgic smile on her beak as she watched the trees barely swaying, almost forgetting about the sandwich she held. “When we were little, Jos and I made our own kites out of sticks and bedsheets… we’d take them out and fly them all afternoon, the other kids would flap their wings for a current… until the orderlies noticed a bunch of sheets missing!” Fin laughed a very soft laugh, gently slapping Starlight on the back with a wing.

Starlight couldn’t help but chuckle- but as Fin chomped down on the toasted bread, she felt a little awkward; and from where she was sitting, the aromatic scent of red wine vinegar, oregano, and capicola made her nose upturn. Compounded with the awkward silence, she fiddled her hooves and asked-

“So… how come you hold your hands in front of you?” Smoooooooooth.

Fin turned and looked at her with a sly grin.

“In prison, you have to be ready for anything, especially during Confederacy days. It’s a habit I never felt necessary to break.” Starlight looked off to the side and cringed, wondering if that question was a bit too… personal.

“Goodness, I didn’t-” But Fin just held a hand up with a smirk.

“Hey!” She said, “Don’t worry ‘bout it! I’ll even admit- I only joined the army for a pardon.” With a shrug, Starlight giggled in relief.

“You uh… gotta do what ya gotta do, right?” Glimmer suggested, parroting Leona’s own personal mantra with a sheepish grin.

“There you go.” Fin said, taking a bite of her sandwich and checking her pocket watch. “Tell you what; I gotta finish my lunch and get going soon.” Starlight looked at her with an apprehensive grin.

“Well, it’s been fun talking to you!” She responded casually, and Fin shrugged.

“Hey, who say’s it’s gotta end?” She asked playfully, “I’m gonna be seeing a movie later this evening if you want to join! I got an extra ticket since Jos couldn’t come.” And of course always happy to make more friends, Starlight agreed.

“Sounds fun! When and where?” She asked with a casual hoof-fist bump… unbeknownst to her at the time, this innocent gesture would be just the first signature on a long blood contract.

—

CREEEEEAK! SLAM!

“It’ll be a minute!” I yelled, locking the shower room door for privacy. I wiped the benches off with fresh towels and left them on as covers. “Take a seat.” I said to Emmie, gesturing towards the other row of benches.

Not the best place to have a sit-down, but whatever.

“What do you know?” I asked plainly, looking him in the eye. But he just looked at me with his typical smug grin.

“Look, I can either explain to you my theories based off circumstantial evidence, vague hints from your wife, and whatever other bits I could scrawl from the stars… Or, you could just tell me.” I just blinked, once again tasked with figuring out how the fuck to explain this… “My line of work encourages me to seek out unbelievable yet fundamental truths to our universe. There are powers out there with means and machinations far beyond what our own sanity could handle.”

“Yeah, but this is-” I started, but he interrupted again.

“Do you ever wonder why I can spend hours staring at the sky, giggling at what unseen things make up the pure air and the blue sky? Or perhaps you’ve seen me shiver uncontrollably upon feeling a draught of cool air? Or what happens when I spend an entire day locked in my room, screaming for help in a language utterly alien to any known by us?” He ranted calmly, utterly devoid of any symptoms that could be chalked up to insanity. “So do not think for a second that there’s anything left for me to be shocked and repulsed at.”

He crossed his arms and huffed… and I couldn’t help but giggle.

“Fine. Point taken.” I said, swapping benches and wrapping a wing around his back. “Long story short, I lived a good fifty-ish years as a human before coming here. I worked for organised crime, killed some people, and spent my last twenty years in prison, reading being my main entertainment.” Emmie had that same smile on his face, not even twitching as I regaled the story.

“I take it that’s where you got your inventions from?” He asked, and I nodded.

“Yeah, though I can’t take all the credit, except for guns. Everything else was built by personally overseeing the development sectors to take a lot of the trial-and-error out.” I explained, “Like, cars. I can’t build an engine, but I know you shouldn’t put it on the roof of a car. I can’t just make a transmission, but I knew that higher gears meant fuel efficiency. But by laying out guidelines and creating concepts for advanced models took a lot of trial and error out.” I then shrugged.

“But, yeah. That’s the gist of it. I’ve been here so long I can’t even remember what my face looked like… but fuck ‘em.” Emmie held my hand with a hoof, and I couldn’t help but smile. “And the best part? Without this Louse, I wouldn’t have nearly the clarity of memory I do otherwise. Maybe it’s selective in what it remembers?” I suggested, and Emmie giggled.

“It never saw you as a human. Maybe it forgot, too?” Fuck if I know.

“Maybe… It’s weird, really. I’ll be looking for a recipe, for example… but a few moments in, I get a burst of realisation! Vanilla extract, duh! It’s odd.” Emmie hummed, scratching his chin. “Hell, I don’t even actively use it anymore, on account of the seizures.” I think I burned it out defeating the diamond dogs, to be honest.

“I think what baffles me the most, is the fact that it actively allowed you to relapse back into drinking.” He admitted, and I rolled my eyes. “Perhaps… it’s a psychological thing that made it throw the flask that one time. Still reeling from the previous trauma, perhaps your subconscious made the decision for you and was bolstered by the louse?” Finally, he shrugged. “Eh, I got nothing.”

I had to laugh at that. “So what do you know?” I asked sarcastically, and he snorted.

“I told you! My work is about finding truth, not answers! Truth is truth, it is what it is- but asking why leads one down a rabbit hole of an intense variety, and whoever climbs back out is rarely the same after.” He then smirked- “Why do you think the occult has a bad rep?”

“Because of the prevalence of cosmic horror in fiction?” I deadpanned, and he rolled his eye.

“Over there, in that corner. Do you see that?” He pointed at some corner, staring directly at… nothing. “Of course you don’t. It’s an observer.” He explained… and as I was writing this entry, I couldn’t help but get the sense that Emmie was staring at me through the very page. “It does nothing. It affects nothing. It observes. It is what it is.” He concluded with a shrug… and oddly, I felt his gaze turn away, despite him not even being in the same room anymore.

“I… I think I get it.” I said, and he sighed.

“I was naive, a long time ago. I’ll be honest, we never may get the why about the louse… and now, I’m mature enough to realise that’s not a bad thing…” He shuddered, and I decided to not push the matter any further.

“I understand. It is what it is.”

—

A lone griffon wearing a black duster and sporting a shiny revolver walked through the old, sandy quarry. He also wore a black hat, like a cowboy.

“DON’T MOVE!” He heard a yell from the banks of a pond of rainwater, built up in the abandoned quarry. Another griffon, far more dishevelled, held a small child and a gun; the kid was a hostage, and the cowboy stopped immediately. “DROP THE GUN!” He pressed the gun to the kids temple, and his pleading was silenced by covering his mouth with a hand.

Slowly, he moved the gun off to the side to surrender. The criminal smiled… a little too early.

Wi-poiiing!

The sound of on-screen gunfire rang out in the theatre’s speakers, causing Starlight to jump! The cowboy, nicknamed Filthy Sal, was quick on the draw- the criminal took a bullet to the shoulder as the hostage ran off.

“Well, well, well, partner.” He spoke with genuine hatred and venom in his voice. “You may be wondering- did I shoot five, or six rounds before I got here? Truthfully, I lost count myself.” He explained, the perp trying to reach for his derringer before he was deterred by the revolver. “But this- is a .455 calibre Galante top-break… the most powerful handgun in the world. Strong enough to knock your head off, I reckon.”

The criminal’s smile grew as he realised his chance would soon arrive.

“I gotta ask- ya’ feel lucky, prick?” The killer reached for the gun and-

Wi-poiiing!

Was knocked back into the water. The body floated daintily on the water’s surface, and with one final look- Filthy Sal removed his sheriff's badge and chucked it in the water.

The curtains were drawn, and the crowd gave a standing ovation for the film!

“Come on- let’s get out of here before everyone else does!” Fin whispered excitedly, and Starlight nodded. They made their way out of the theatre giggling like fillies as they walked down the sidewalk.

“Wanna get some drinks and wind down a bit?” Fin suggested… and Glimmer thought, why not? She’s been having fun so far, so why not keep going? “There’s this bar down the street that makes fresh fried mozzarella sticks.”

“Well, shit, that’s all you had to say!” she quipped as they both hoof-fist bumped again.

Soon, the two were munching on fried cheese over gin and tonics in the booth of a bar in the city.

“So, in that last scene, I counted his shots…” Glimmer whispered, leaning in- “He did only shoot four times before!” Fin snorted and playfully rolled her eyes.

“I was a little preoccupied with everything else in the scene, truth be told. But that’s good attention to detail.” She admitted, feeling impressed.

“Eh, it’d bother me immensely if that wasn’t the case. Especially since it was established early on, the fact that it was six shots.” She spoke frankly, taking a sip of her gin.

“Speaking of shots…” Fin muttered, turning towards the passing waitress. “Uhm… can we get two shots of absinthe, please?” She spoke sheepishly, and the woman nodded with a smile.

“Absinthe?” Glimmer asked curiously, and Fin just gave her a knowing smirk.

The waitress was back quick- with two shot glasses and a bottle of absinthe.

“To new friends?” Fin raised her glass sheepishly, and Glimmer clinked hers against the other.

“To new friends!” She said, the confident look on her face being replaced with one of regret as she shot back the absinthe.

“ACH! Ah, what the-!” She sputtered, the effects of the strong liquor taking effect mid sentence. She took a deep breath and turned towards the waitress with a cocky grin. “Another, please!”

—

Over the years, I’ve gotten well used to getting woken up; whether it’s my morning alarm screaming at me or a light morning drizzle waking me from a dirt-nap, getting woken up rarely phases me… unless it’s another night-terror, but that’s a given. But there is one situation where getting woken up will bring a genuine smile to my face.

“Mamma?” I heard a faint whisper, followed by a few gentle nudges to my side. “Mamma, are you still awake?” She asked guiltily, and I smiled.

“Yeah, I was. What’s wrong?” I was actually having a pleasant dream before this… but this was better.

“I had a bad dream… Can I sleep with you?” She asked shyly, and I smiled. Rolling onto my belly, I set one of my wings down to let her climb up. She nestled on my back between the crook of my wings, letting her hands dangle to her side as she used my feathers as a pillow.

“Thanks, Mamma…” She muttered, eyes gently closing with a deep breath.

“Anytime, baby. Anytime.” I whispered, my wings covering her like a blanket as we both drifted off to sleep.

I wrote this entry the minute I woke up this morning. Other than that, I ain’t got much to say.

Here’s to a week on this fucking boat.

—

“Awright, sweetie… I’ll talk tuh ya later! Luv ya!” Glimmer slurred into the phone, sloppily clacking it back into the receiver next to the couch. She swivelled back to her host with a drunken smirk, saying- “Ah fuckin’ luv my wife, Fin.” She snorted and giggled, her host following suit.

They both had red blushes on their faces, swirling and tilting around on the couch after their night of drinking. They didn’t expect to get completely trashed- so rather than trying to drive Glimmer all the way back to Leona’s compound, the two just braved the short drive to Fin’s home in the city.

“She’s a beautiful mare, Glim.” Fin agreed softly with a giggle. Then with a sly grin, she leaned in and threw a wing around Glimmer’s back. “Spill iiiiit! How’d you two meet?”

Glimmer just giggled sheepishly. “I-It’s a long story. We were both outcasts, no-po… one! No-one wanted us.” She then blushed, looking off to the side. “But… we found each-other. I was in the middle of making amends with Twilight over… eh… but, I convinced her to make amends as well.” She shrugged, but an odd, almost haunting look was in her eyes. It looked… familiar.

“What, Twilight?” She said, snorting out laughter. “How bad could it’ve been? Fucking with Twilight is practically a pass-time for Leona!” Her giggles died down when she saw Glimmer looking off to the side. “Hey! I’m not exactly an ivory tower… Ah, fuck, said it wrong.” Despite the somber look in her eye, Glimmer had to chuckle.

“Point is, I don’t judge.” Fin muttered to herself, looking off to the side. “Goodness knows I don’t have room to.”

Glimmer shook her head; Fin grabbed her arm. “Look. That picture frame, hanging on the wall.” She pointed, and Glimmer used her telekinesis to bring it over.

Johnny Carlino, former medical tycoon, found shot!

“With a crossbow, not a gun.” Fin added with a chuckle.

Further down the article, however: Fin Carlino taken in for questioning and/or sentencing following her arrest that same evening.

“Jos never would’ve tried. She was afraid of jail. I wasn’t.” Fin concluded with a shrug. The telekinetic field put the frame perfectly back where it belonged. “Then when Ulysses asked me if I could kill or not, I told him that’s why I was there in the first place.” After a few seconds of awkward silence… Glimmer giggled.

Then she burst into full-on laughter at whatever popped into her mind.

“I was… fucking with time travel- the how-to of which has been forcibly erased from my mind.” She slurred, staring at the coffee table. “I was… in a bad way. I’d lost everything; my village, my respect, my easy life… all vanished! So I… I…” She whispered, almost ashamed to admit aloud.

“Notta soul hears about this… I figured, if… if Twilight… wasn’t born…” Fin nodded in understanding. “But… but I couldn’t get the timeline right. If any one of her friends were removed from the equation, then… Ah, no good.” She muttered to herself… “Killing them did nothing.”

It was… a weight off her chest, at the very least. She breathed out a heavy sigh upon realising her friend wasn’t judging her.

“I didn’t think you had it in you…” Fin spoke, “Then again, you never know who’s capable of what.” Glimmer looked at her with a faint smirk and nodded.

“Not a soul. Trixie doesn’t even know that… what happened. Twilight… Gosh, I don’t even wanna think what she’d say!” Glimmer was quite clear on that, but Fin wasn’t a rat, either.

“Of course.” Fin said plainly, letting the silence return again.

…

“Honestly, it… it wasn’t hard.” Glimmer muttered, staring off into the distance. “Just… pinch the nose, hold the mouth.” Fin… wasn’t sure if she wanted to hear more. Occasionally, the glassy eyes of the dead dog pups… they haunted her, more than she cared to admit. “Eh, but, they’re all still around… Even Pinkie, despite the heart attack.”

Fin just nodded along with her rambling; she already got the gist of what she wanted to know.

“I mean, Fluttershy’s only a year older than her! It’s terrible!” She continued her rant, “Did I ever tell you about Flutter-”

“Hey!” Fin interrupted with a sly grin, and Glimmer cocked an eyebrow. “Ya feel lucky?” She asked while pointing a talon, and the two started laughing at their private joke… until Fin gasped. “Wait! I just remembered!”

Glimmer just looked at her innocently, cocking an eyebrow.

“I already own a model of the gun from the movie!” Fin suggested with an eyebrow wiggle.

“You do!?” She asked excitedly- “Showwwww!”

“Show?” Fin asked sarcastically, “Why not shoot?” With wide grins, the two ran off to Fin’s underground shooting range to partake in a national Syndicate pass-time; getting drunk and shooting guns late at night. It’s up there with drag-racing some guy you made eye contact with at a red-light, raiding the 24-hour Mini-Bargain’s with your friends, or doing skids while leaving the drive-thru.

It’s enough to bring a tear to the eye.

—

The sound of seagulls combined with the crashing of waves to make a beautiful sound; for that sound meant that land was finally close by. We were far enough that I could barely make out the treeline from the deck, but I was still quite happy to see the light in the tunnel.

I was leaning off the bow of the ship, smoking a cigarette with a wide grin.

“Excuse me!” I jumped, hearing an unfamiliar voice speak out next to me. “You have a second?” Clutching my chest, I turned slowly… to see a fish, enveloped in blue-glowy-magic-bullshit. It was floating unreasonably close, and I reeled my whole head back to avoid my beak touching it.

“May I please have a water?” Its mouth moved as it asked dumbly, and I growled in annoyance before backhanding it off the deck and out of my face. “PLEASE!” the voice echoed from the fish, revealing Emmie and my lovely daughter laughing at my expense.

Finally, I rolled my eyes and giggled.

“Alright, you two got me.” I muttered, leaning back over the bow and lighting another cigarette.

“Love you, Mamma!” My absolute gremlin of a daughter yelled as she ran up to my side. I ruffled her feathers and smirked.

“Love you too, sweetie.” I said to her… before turning back to Emmie with a middle finger raised. “You can go fuck yourself!”

He laughed, leaning next to me on the bow.

The flap of wings could be heard behind us, and a heavy thud told us that Sinan was joining. He took his place next to Anastasia, leaving her sandwiched between us.

“Do they have sandwiches there?” Anastasia asked innocently. I just shrugged.

“Maybe.” Was my only response, with Annie gasping adorably.

“Awesome.” Like me, it doesn’t take much to get her impressed. “What if the Zebras don’t want us to buy their oil?” She asked, and I patted her on the back.

“We’re gonna make ‘em an offer they can’t refuse.”

Welcome To The Jungle

View Online

The most fascinating thing about the Zebra’s, in my opinion, is their language; it’s an utterly foreign sounding thing, the most important speakers of it strictly adhering to the ‘Old Poetry’, as they call it.

What I’m saying is, is that there are actually two variants of this language. The commoners variant, being called ‘Hideous Speech’ in their own languages, appears to be what Vulgar Latin was to Classical Latin; the split was natural, as the commerce brought on by international trade would have required a standardised equivalent, to be easily understood by layfolk.

‘High Poetry’, however, consists of rhymes, limericks, and couplets strung together to form an oddly melodic pattern of speech. And they don’t stick to the simple A-A-B-B couplets Zecora often did, either; the meaning and intent often changes based on rhyme scheme, the tone of the speaker, their stripe patterns, or even the seasons, occasionally! The language is a uniquely beautiful and utterly fucked up mess; when I had just been born, left to imagine the possibilities in silence, this is what I’d been hoping for!

… Does that mean an argument between two zebras could be considered a rap battle?

Heh… anyways… All this to say, that Sinan would be my key past this near-impenetrable language barrier for the duration of the trip. I didn’t understand a word of their language off the top of my head, and even if I was allowed to learn High Poetry, I wouldn’t embarrass myself by trying; apparently it’s a cultural, religious thing or something, that makes the Zebra Royalty believe that only those with zebra blood can learn their speech.

What that means, is that any zebra speech in my journal, I’ll just have Sinan regale me with the details and write it in like ‘this’. Example: the word Uikha-Shi’Ha, means ‘Big Dick’ in High-Poetric… Yes, I know. I’m very mature.

—

“Remember, Anastasia.” I muttered to her, waiting for Sinan to allow us into the throne room. “We’re not beneath them, but we’re not better than them, either.” I said, patting her on the back.

The large stone temple we were in had been refitted and redecorated countless times over the brooding millenia; The ancient splendour of this Abyssinian coastal stronghold could only be seen in the silhouette of a black-stone tower from the shoreline, the surrounding base totally obscured by later buildings and the wild growth of the jungle.

“I know, Mamma…” She muttered, “What’s taking so long?” She whined as I used my hands to turn her my way.

“You heard Uncle Si- it’s some tradition or other.” I said, licking two fingers and using them to straighten some loose feathers in her pompadour. I examined the rest of her face… and scoffed in annoyance. “Anastasia, I told you to wipe your beak good when you’re done eating.” It was her turn to groan as I licked a thumb, using it to wipe the excess jam stuck to her beak.

“I did!” She defended, and I patted her on the back.

“Then do it better, next time.” I couldn’t help but smirk as I glanced back towards the tall oak door in anticipation… which slowly creaked open before us, revealing Sinan. He gestured for us to follow along inside.

The throne room was a sight to behold: Round and wide at the bottom and tapering slightly towards the top, it appeared to be made of natural stones, cobbled together with almost scientific precision and welded together with bitumen. Evidence of ancient floors and a long-crumbled staircase were obscured by wooden support structures; a much more recent modification, sparked by a panic caused by one or two of the unbelievably ancient stones falling out of place.

During the modifications, a dome was added to the top; called ‘Heaven’s Flower,’ it was shaped like a closed rose-petal made of silver. Another modification, much more ancient, involved turning the very bottom set of stairs into a throne: shaped like a right-triangle curved around the back edge of the tower, a bowl-like shape was cut out of the middle, with adjacent steps used as armrests. It was bedecked in flowers, soft furs and blankets, and god knows what other bullshit they found precious.

What was the tower originally used for, you may ask? Fuck if I know. The ancient zebras that called this place home never bothered to ask, and their continued habitation and lack of zebra interest has hindered archaeology in this area. But despite my curiosity, I had shit to do.

Aside from a few guards, King Wa-Ki’Shahn sat on his throne with an unreadable expression. Nearly every protruding limb was adorned with precious jewellery, and his crown… reminded me of a rose-gold bowling pin, to be honest. His robes were aquamarine, the short-sleeved cuffs and collar decorated by thin gold plates, intricately designed. Overtop that he wore a bright red shawl, bedecked by tassels of golden thread along the edges, sashed across his chest.

I approached him with a kind smile, holding out a hand. He cocked an eyebrow, looking me up and down like he was expecting something.

“You can either come down here and shake my hand, or the ponies are gonna learn about your little dope-smuggling operation.” I said plainly, the smile never leaving my face. “I have eyes everywhere. Nothing escapes my oversight.” Ever since I made the manufacture and sale of hard drugs less profitable, less practical, and more dangerous, the invisible hand of the free market decided to jack off someone else; so whatever they can grow in the jungle, they’ll just smuggle into Equestria.

Not to mention, guaranteeing the Changeling’s independence has granted me a permanent set of eyes on the Equestrian mainland; while I don’t use them for anything direct, it’s hardly a big ask to have them keep their eyes peeled for anything suspicious. Once I heard reports of small boats making their way towards Equestria during the cover of night, I sent my own guys to investigate… So when Sinan nodded and translated for me, the king's pupils shrunk to pinpricks!

‘I have never even heard of such a thing!’ He was outraged, and pointed to Sinan- ‘Why have you brought a slanderer before me!?’ But Sinan just responded with a smirk.

‘Then you wouldn’t mind it if certain unregistered fishing boats stopped showing up to Hay Harbor in the dead of night?’ He suggested with a smug grin, ‘Someone could mistake them for pirates, after all!’

The King looked down at the three of us, gritting his teeth. Begrudgingly, he hopped off the throne and shook my hand; if he didn’t, I’d be revealing the identity of a notorious smuggler to soften things up with Equestria.

“Was that so hard?” I asked rhetorically. “I’m not here to rob you. I merely wish to do business.” I then looked at Sinan and nodded.

‘We’ve noticed that your kingdom has a dire lack of firearms. We’d be willing to help rectify this issue, in exchange for favours of our own.’ And that got his immediate, undivided interest. ‘Specially made, based on pony Firespear Technology, but better. We’d smuggle them into the country for you; we only ask that you allow us to set up our own interests within your territories.’

“What they’re talking about, Anastasia-” I whispered, getting her attention. “Is that the Zebras will be given a set number of guns for their own security.”

So as Sinan and the king spoke, I explained the situation; after the Zebras get their guns, maybe a couple thousand or so, they won’t have the manufacturing capability to replace or repair them effectively. We’ll deal with repairs for long-term use, and even include documents on maintaining and using the guns.

In exchange, we’ll basically be able to build our own port and have total autonomy within the zone. We’re even gonna have an embassy!

…What I only explained to her later on in private however… was the hidden downsides to their deal. While the guns would be extremely well-made to help prevent normal wear, black powder guns still require constant cleaning. In a sort, their guns are like a spear-bullpup; IE, it can be held and operated like a spear, except the entire length of the haft was essentially a rifled gun barrel. The trigger was towards the centre, a long transfer bar activating the covered rear flintlock mechanism.

They’d have to buy powder off us to use their guns. They’d have to buy whale-oil off us to clean their guns… and in the humid jungle, whale oil is a must to prevent your gun from disintegrating. Then by the time they realise that extreme rust damage can’t be fixed without essentially replacing the entire thing… and that we won’t warranty out damage caused by neglect… they’re still fucked!

The king wants to keep his drug-routes? Well, he can bitch all he wants; by then, I’ll have plenty of my own loyal men protecting Griffonian interests, with far more and far superior firepower. The jungle is full of many dangerous beasts, so arming my Griffons with peashooters will not do!

Ohh, another thing I just thought of; what if we cut our powder with stuff, and adulterated the oil somehow to bring up our margin?

‘To ship the guns to you, we’ll first need to set up fake factories; this is to cover the fact that we’re sending them to you. As far as Equestria is aware, your guns are zebra-made and manufactured, based on stolen patents.’ Sinan explained, going over the contract with the king. ‘And needless to say, these arms are not to be used against ponies or griffons.’ He explained, and the king seemed on board.

Another thing we never explained: for insurance reasons, we would set up our bases first before sending over the guns. You know- point a gun at them, then let them arm themselves. That way, we’ll always have the first shot.

Finally, the King nodded. A name was scribbled onto the contract, and the easy part of the trip was completed! After we send a telegram back to the mainland, the first construction ships will set out to build our port; we would be essentially deforesting a decent sized area to the south of here, where the trees thin out.

Environmental impact? The fuck’s that?

---

“Tell me, Silvie…” Dee mused aloud, resting on the couch with her oldest friend. The silver mare idly sipped her tea, cocking an eyebrow. “When’s the last time we’ve sat down to gossip like this?” She asked with a giggle, and her friend mirrored the gesture.

“Too long.” The two shared a nod as Dee’s assistant entered the room. She handed the tea off wordlessly before moving to the dining room table to continue her work; she was currently editing the rough drafts of her master’s speeches, pretending to not be listening in. “So… where do I start?” She asked rhetorically, rolling her eyes with a giggle.

Sinking into the arm of her couch, she started- “Applejack. Ever since Granny Smith passed, she’s been doing… voice training!” Dee tilted her head with an odd smirk, “You know, to get rid of that hick accent.”

“She’s a Biz-i-ness mare, now!” Dee mocked playfully, the two sharing a giggle, “She’s calling herself a CEO too, right? Standard Fruit or whatever it is.” Silver Spoon rolled her eyes with a chuckle,

“She and pretty much all her friends are typical new-money.” She explained, and snorted- “Eh, good for her, though. I could hardly imagine a mare like her being content with being a poor dirt-farmer the rest of her life.”

Dee nodded, sipping her tea. “I felt the same way about managing my father’s company.” She mused, chuckling- “Did I ever tell you about the time I left Leona in charge for an evening?”

“Spill it!” Silver Spoon half-yelled, her curiosity piqued.

“She threatened to stab someone in the first half hour. Then there was this old fuck that came in on the regular to talk your ear off- she got stuck with him for like… two hours?” She explained, the two friends sharing a laugh- “Then, at the end of the night? She got stabbed!” She concluded the story like it was a punchline,

“Noooo way!” Silver exclaimed with a snort, “You know, I’ve noticed that service at the Bargain’s in Griffonia is way better- that have something to do with you?” She asked slyly, and Dee smirked.

“Here’s the thing- retail work is hard and humbling. It gave me a perspective on the world that was critical to our formation of the Syndicate.” She explained, taking another sip. “If someone’s being a dick to you, then you’re absolutely in the right to tell them to fuck off… whether you’re on the clock or not.” Silver Spoon nodded in understanding.

“I’m surprised there’s not a major conflict of interest… you know, with your daddy.” Silvie said, the soft slurp of tea beginning to grate on the spy’s nerves, despite being in the next room.

“Oh, don’t get me started!” She exclaimed with a laugh, “You should hear Leona going off on one with him at the dinner table!”

With a giggle, Silver said- “Oh, that Filthy Rich… he always was a bit-pinchin’ miser outside his own home!” Her Ponyville accent briefly broke through; but with another shared round of laughter to further annoy the spy,

“Yep, that’s my daddy, alright!” Dee exclaimed. As the two old friends continued catching up, Syl could only think about how much those two reminded her of teenagers gossiping in the lunchroom. Their conversations seemingly went on for hours… but eventually, Syl heard something potentially worth noting down.

“Speaking of Sweetie Belle… she’s actually in town!” Dee half-whispered… and Silver gasped! “There’s this card game we run on the side, called the Executive Game. It’s an invite-only poker club that plays high-stakes games in private.”

“Bella Donna… Er, Sweetie Belle’s gonna be there, huh?” Syl thought to herself silently, correcting her private use of Sweetie’s stage name, “Interesting. A pony celebrity in a private griffon card game? Potential spy, maybe.”

“Heh, even my doctor’s gonna be there!” Dee exclaimed… and Syl quietly hoped she’d get a date and location.

---

That business finally taken care of, we had a couple more days until we’d start our journey through the desert; due to the lack of available fuel and the sheer remoteness of everything there, we’d have to travel with a trade caravan. Until then, though?

I was taking in the wonderfully unique city, Anastasia riding on my back while Sinan strolled beside us; Surrounding the main temple were the stone frames of various ancient buildings. Most of these frames only rose a few feet off the ground, made of the same material and presumably using the same methods as the main castle. Building atop these frames, presumably after the rubble of war was cleared, the zebras used their ancient methods of baked clay bricks, glued together with sand-based mortar; So much like the zebras themselves, these buildings had black stripes contrasted with whitewashed bricks, all protected with a roof of thick, dark purple jungle leaves.

Of course, this was just within the skeleton of the ancient city centre- outside the long-crumbled walls of the city held much more varied architecture, many buildings being uniquely designed to their own means and sensibilities. Just like any feudal society, you had the poor that lived in tiny houses, often being simple mud-huts with leaf roofing. The merchants lived in decent sized family homes, usually made out of baked bricks and other sturdy materials… then you had the aristocracy, living in big houses with all the amenities this nation could afford. But what was really unique was the layout; it was totally unplanned and unsupervised, so clutches of dirt-houses huddled outside the gates of some zebra noble’s mansion, both sharing the same dirt road.

A few houses even had cars parked outside- older ones, with the large spoked wheels made for handling ruts left by wagons. The zebras aren’t bad trading partners, all things considered; even when we cut back on rubber imports due to the invention of synthetic rubbers, many of their merchants are more than happy to trade… Usually.

That’s why we were walking down the main avenue, thankful for the shade provided by the many coloured tarps criss-crossing the buildings on either side. Strapped to various bolts near the roofs of the various buildings, there were just enough gaps to let the light in. The gentle breeze of the ocean seemingly funnelled and circulated cool air down the main strip, displacing the humid jungle air that otherwise would’ve been stale and stagnant.

So, between that and the fact that many of these buildings wouldn’t make for good storefronts, the cobbled stone streets were lined with vendors on both sides hawking their goods! There were a few large stands that seemed to be permanent fixtures, with their varied yet common goods allowing me to assume they were the equivalent to a convenience store; other than that it was a free-for-all, with merchants sitting at wheeled carts or just sitting on a tarp, oftentimes with limited variety due to their own specialisation.

They sold exotic fruits and vegetables, along with odd spices and spice-mixtures. There were fine rugs and furniture being sold out of large tents in what would otherwise have been an empty lot, and luxury good stands containing things like jewellery and handmade pottery and such were protected by very beefy looking zebras- their cold gazes and stiff posture practically screaming fuck around and find out. And most interesting of all were the stands that sold no goods at all; they were where you went if you needed raw materials like lumber or metals such as copper delivered to a jobsight, all done with a legal system of purchase orders and contracts to ensure no-one gets fucked. You can even put in rush orders, where the salesman passes the PO off to some lackey to literally run to get the delivery set up, ASAP.

If you’re ever in the market for copper though, keep an eye out if it’s sourced from some guy named Ea-Nasir. He adulterates his copper, is kind of a dick, and overall a major friggin’ shyster… or so they say.

Aside from the various stands hawking imported anything-and-whatever from Griffonia and abroad, including… Ugh… changeling honey… Well, last but not least consisted of the thing that currently caught my attention- the food vendors.

To find one, you can either open your eyes and look, or you can follow the wonderful smell of charcoal or boiling oil to find all sorts of delicacies! Vegetables were often grilled and smothered in something that reminded me of barbeque sauce, served in a clay bowl with a two-pronged fork- you just drop the bowl off after, when you’re done eating at one of the many rugs which sprawled around these grilling stations. They also sold grilled veggies on a stick among other things; And as a result of increasing popularity among the zebra’s, baskets of fries could be bought and topped with sauces, cheeses, mixed with salads, or even served on sandwiches!

But anyways, this is where we soon found ourselves: sitting on a rug in the shade, ready to eat lunch. Most zebra’s were smart enough to carry pillows around, Sinan included… I didn’t think to because I’m a stupid tourist, apparently. A nearby band played a beautiful, almost epic sounding string melody as I munched happily on a large bowl of mixed barbequed veggies. Sinan chipped away at one of three veggie-kebabs, while Anastasia sat between us, eyeing her lunch curiously.

“Is it any good?” She asked, poking at a piece of grilled onion. I chewed my latest bite quickly to answer-

“I’m eating it, aren’t I?” I remarked, ruffling her feathers. “Just do one piece at a time. Trust me.” After a few more moments of apprehension, she speared what looked to be a large carrot sliced long-ways. “And don’t forget to dip it in the sauce a little- otherwise it just pools in the bottom of the bowl.”

“O-Okay, Mamma.” She took one bite, and her eyes lit up! “Dish ish good!” She yelled, barely even taking the time to chew before she spoke.

“Chew before you speak, honey.” I intoned, returning to my lunch… only to see a slice of a pepper floating away in a blue aura. A faint crunch was heard, and I rolled my eyes.

“Steal the food right outta my mouth, why don’t ya?” I joked, patting the rug to invite Emmie to join us. “I was wondering when you’d show!”

“Hey, Uncle Em!” Anastasia yelled, getting our attention. “Did you get yourself some of this stuff yet?” Her fork gestured towards the bowl, and Emmie chuckled.

“Ah, not right now. It’d spoil my dinner!” He said, ruffling her feathers. He turned to look at me and asked-

“You and Sinan still got that thing tonight?” With matching smirks, Sinan and I just glanced at each other.

“You sure you don’t mind?” I asked, and he shrugged.

“I was just gonna spend the rest of the day shopping with you three and hit the library later on.” He then looked down at Annie- “Anastasia, would you be alright with me keeping an eye on you later?” He asked politely, and Annie cocked an eyebrow.

“Anastasia, I’m gonna need you to stay with Uncle Em for a bit tonight.” I said, wrapping my wing around her back. “Sinan and I have a boring meeting to attend, you wouldn’t like it.”

She shifted slightly, seemingly unsure. “But… but I don’t wanna go to the library, I wanna be with you!” She beamed, and I flashed an apologetic look towards Em.

“And you will be with me! I’ll try not to be out that late.” I said, “Besides- we have the rest of the afternoon together! We’re gonna go shopping and explore the city a little after lunch; all of us, as a family.” I slapped Sinan’s shoulder, followed by Emmie’s. “And hey! Maybe your Uncle Em will tell you another story?” I suggested.

“... Okay, Mamma!” I ruffled her feathers, returning to my lunch.

“Now let’s eat, I’m starving!” I said, digging into the veggies again. Who knew eating healthy was this easy?

---

The library building was as old as the rest of the Abyssian architecture, and aside from the main temple, was the only building left intact by the sacking and burning of the original city. The only thing that was retrofitted was the ceiling itself, having rotted out long ago. It was quiet there- as this time of the day, most spent their free time in the market.

“Uncle Em?” Anastasia piped up, breaking the customary silence of the library. “When can we go home?” He pulled his pocket watch out of his vest, eyeing the ancient tome before him curiously. He then shrugged, throwing in a cheap bookmark and slamming it shut.

“I guess I can just borrow this book, then.” Anastasia’s smile upturned immediately, and she wasted no time getting off the uncomfortable stone bench.

“Are we still gonna stay on the ship?” She asked curiously, matching his pace as the two made their way towards the front desk.

“For now, until we depart for the desert.” He set the book on the counter, getting the attention of the librarian. “Hey there! I need to borrow this book, please.”

Coins clinked inside his purse as he dug through it… only to hear something utterly unacceptable to him.

“We do not allow the borrowing of books here.” His accent was thick, but at least he didn’t speak in couplets. Emmie just looked at the zebra behind the desk with a curious, yet thoroughly unamused look.

With a mostly flat voice, underlined by a sort of arrogant sassiness, he spoke- “Let’s say… I’m some big, strong griffon standing here. You still gonna tell me no?” He leaned against the counter coolly, causing the clerk to flinch.

“Your… the answer is no!” he declared, refusing to get shaken down! “You can not intimidate me. If you do not leave, I will tell the guard that the blue stone-skull has been a nuis-EGH!”

Just like that, all his bravado turned to crippling fear; in the middle of the sentence, his throat felt like it was being squeezed shut- the likely source standing in front of him.

“I am borrowing this book for the night. It will be returned tomorrow.” He spoke plainly, and the zebra nodded his head rapidly. Emmie’s horn stopped glowing and the zebra clutched his neck, gasping for air; he looked up in utter terror, the unicorn across from him looking down with a grin. “You’re lucky the kid was here.”

Anastasia stood there with her jaw dropped- and a pat on the back snapped her out of it. Wordlessly, the two made their way out of the library.

Oh crap, did I scare her? Emmie thought nervously to himself, the two walking in utter silence to their destination. She just kept looking straight forward as the library disappeared from view behind them. Fuck, I hope-

“THAT WAS AWESOME!” Anastasia practically exploded in excitement, making Emmie startle. “Sorry, I had to wait until we were far enough.” The sheepish grin on her face and the routine behaviour of staying quiet told Emmie that this wasn’t an uncommon occurrence.

He just giggled, patting Annie on the head.

“Will my sis learn how to do that?” She asked mirthfully, and Emmie smirked.

“If her mother allows it, maybe.” By now, the sun was falling- but Emmie knew it’d be a while yet before Leona got back to the ship.

---

For Celestia, there are only a few pleasures in life which are unobtainable to her. But aside from that, she had it all- money, respect, power… whatever she wanted was only for the asking. She had access to the best medical care, with advancements in medicine able to cure or treat all sorts of ailments. The best chef’s in Equestria, with the freshest ingredients money could buy, often covered her breakfast table in elaborately fancy dishes…

But despite this, Celestia found her appetite to be lacking these past several years; as a result, the elaborate dishes were portioned out much smaller than they used to be. These days she was quite thin… closer to emaciated, actually.

She sat on a cushion, a gentle breeze wafting across the balcony of Celestia’s mountain villa. Her mane hung non-etherically down the sides of her head and neck as she bathed in the rays of the midday sun… the same one she lost the power to control so long ago.

Finally, she breathed out a sigh of boredom; it was time for the noon meds. As she slowly rose off the cushion, pain shot up her back ankle where it got sprained recently; but she powered through, seeing it as another symptom of incidental ageing to be treated with medication. All her joints hurt anyway- it was just a degree of how bad. And while her sister would normally help her… she slept in this morning, and Celestia didn’t want to wake her.

As she made her way to her bedroom dresser, she could already feel the anxiety washing away like sand in a rainstorm, her mood uplifting for the first time this morning. As she felt her heart palpitate slightly, she couldn’t help but wonder: Does nothing in this body work right anymore?

But that didn’t matter anymore. A reusable syringe made of brass had been thoroughly cleaned since its last use; several vials were scattered around the dresser’s top, and Celestia trembled lightly as she searched for a filled one.

“There!” The small glass bottle, labelled as Ketalar, had only been on the market for a few years- about six, at most. Despite the medical community decrying its addictive properties, Celestia still preferred it to opioids. It was far less dangerous, she thought.

She popped the wooden cork of the bottle and used the syringe to measure out a dose; an extra strong one, as her back had been bothering her that morning. The now-empty bottle was added to the pile as Celestia made her way to Her Throne.

… Which was essentially a giant beanbag chair she liked to read and listen to the radio at. She got comfy and turned the radio on, switching to her favourite classical music station, playing the epic symphonies that reminded her of her glory days.

Holding the syringe in her magic, she took a deep breath. It floated behind her, and she stared straight forward, using her magic to turn the radio up. A sharp pain in her rear indicated that she’d found her mark; she wasted no time in working the plunger, immediately feeling unusually woozy and causing her to unceremoniously yank it out of her asscheek and toss it to the side.

At first her thoughts screamed at her that the dose was too high; but when the syringe landed in the wall like a dart, she let out a faint, breathy laughter. Her breaths were deep and slow, the pain in her body seemingly melting away as the Ketamine took effect. She felt numb, so so numb…

Comfortably numb. Her vision blurred, and if she tried to talk, she’d be incomprehensible. It was an odd yet beautiful feeling to feel her very senses start to go numb; as if her very soul had shrunk, and was given free reign to move about her body as she pleased. Only half-connected to that undying shell of hers, she was floating on the pillows as a being of clouds, feeling like a gentle breeze would blow her away.

She was there for seconds… hours… days… weeks… years, maybe? If her vision wasn’t blurring as a side effect, a glance at the clock would reveal that it’d only been ten minutes. In her fog-dense mind, she couldn’t help but relish the idea of experiencing this feeling all day, every day… After all, the only thing her brain could focus on was the pleasure.

“Hey, fuckhead!” She heard Leona’s voice from within her bedroom, causing her neck to jerk as she surveyed the room… but no-one was there. Maybe she was half-asleep, and thought she heard something?

Then, a soft piano piece started playing. The Clair de Lune was a favourite of her sisters, and as such, that love rubbed off on her a little. She turned it up, a grin on her face as she thought of her sister… not in any particular context, mind you. In her fucked-up brain, her sister was equated to joy- plain and simple.

“BREAKING NEWS!” Once again, she was startled by a sudden voice- but this one was definitely real. It interrupted her music, making her feel angry… until he continued. “Terror in Canterlot today as a group of radicalists calling themselves the Brass Shoes claim responsibility for the murder of Duke Blueblood!”

She felt dizzy and nauseous. … Blueblood? My… My ponies! She thought to herself, panicking as she picked up and glared at the radio.

“They claim that in the name of change and revolution, many more must follow him.” The voice trailed off demonically, Celestia dropping and shattering it in utter terror as all sorts of black thoughts ran through her mind. In her delirium, she forgot the fact that her sister was asleep… or the fact that she was here in the first place.

She shook fiercely, sweating ice-cold bullets from her spot on her chair as her anxiety spiked tremendously. The world around her seemed to melt and fuse into itself, and her blurred eyesight was full of strange visions that made it seem like invisible people were hiding in her shadowless room.

Her sister was missing. She was out of the drug that alone made life seem tolerable. Assassins were out to get her, many in her very room. Nothing was sacred or right anymore; the original Pax Equestria had been shattered by some kid abusing an ancient artefact to incite race riots. It threatened to shatter once again, only this time more completely.

Worst of all: Celestia was deep in a k-hole, feeling like her brain was dissolving like tissue paper in water as she struggled to even move. She could only numbly paw at the ground trying to get up- but her body refused to budge. Running out of options and terrified beyond belief, Celestia’s addled brain could only think to do one thing.

LUUUUUNAAAAAA!

---

Stumbling home with Sinan, I couldn’t help but applaud my first experience with a Zebra hookah bar; not only was there plenty of booze and fried cheeses, our hookah was packed 50/50 with tobacco and weed.

I haven’t been here more than a day, and I feel like I’ve already achieved a sort of enlightenment as to the finer details of Zebra society… In so many words, these fuckers know how to party!

We were sitting on cushions in a rounded booth, smoking and drinking- when a couple zebras walked in and sat down, striking up an interesting conversation about the relationship between dick size and pleasure. Apparently it was a cultural thing… you know, hanging out with strangers you just met at a bar.

Sinan explained that the Hookah was a social activity, and the more people the merrier. Couldn’t argue with him.

Finally having made it to the bedroom, I spent a few moments lightly slapping the wall to find the switch, the lights revealing an excited looking Anastasia!

“Mamma!” She yelled, tackling me in a hug that almost knocked me on my ass; a glance at the wall told me it was one in the morning… a glance inward told me I was fucked up. I hugged her back with a wide grin. “How’d the meeting go?” She asked innocently as I made my way towards the bed.

“M’Good.” I said, flopping onto the bed, tossing my bandolier and hat wherever. I leaned over and kissed her forehead, my eyelids almost hurting the longer I kept them open.

“Do you wanna hear what Uncle Em did to borrow a book?” She enthused… and I just couldn’t be bothered, sleep taking me whether I wanted it to or not.

“T’morr.” I mumbled, my clothes negating the need for a blanket.

A faint sniffle got my attention. “Tissue’s intha bathroom.”

It was only later that I learned the sniffling wasn’t because of a cold.

Author's Notes:

Hey all! For anyone wondering... in the past, I've mentioned something about a Zebra archipelago. Well, this has been retconned entirely in favor of the andes-like geography creating a cultural schism. Sorry for the confusion!

That said... At some point towards the end, I plan on doing a second passthrough: I'm gonna be improving the earlier chapters, as well as cleaning up any inconsistencies throughout... maybe even add a couple extra scenes? :p

I have a discord server for this fic out now!! It'd be real cool if u joined :333

Also... ketamine is for horses, Celestia!
... oh, wait...
On an unrelated note, I've never actually done ketamine before. Dont plan to, either. Celestia needs it more than I do :p

Anyways... Thanks so much for reading! Likes and comments are greatly appreciated! :3

Double Vision

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“Annie, hand me the funnel.” I said, preparing to refill the antifreeze in one of our offroaders; they were essentially model-t esque cars, imported with certain improvements to make them better at traversing the jungle roads.

“Okay, Mamma.” She said, rummaging through the supply trunk. It’d been a few days since our first day here, and sometime before noon was the deadline to head out; so at six in the morning, I was hungover, making sure all the fluids were good. “Why do we have to add so many liquids?” She asked, and a throb from my headache made me quite thankful we were parked in a dockside warehouse.

“This antifreeze here is to keep the engine from melting through the floor.” I explained frankly as I topped off the coolant. That done, I set the tin off to the side, preparing to crawl underneath. “Get down here, you might learn a thing or three… Oh, and grab me the ten-mil and hold the flashlight.”

“Got it, Ma!” She enthused, practically sliding on her belly to get to me- despite the pain my head was in, I couldn’t help but smile.

“This here is the flywheel housing-” I pointed to the part, and she shined the light at it. “It’s what lets your engine run when you’re not moving, otherwise you’d have to start the thing at every red light!” While not entirely accurate, it’s a close enough explanation. “It’s like a big yo-yo; its spinning is what keeps it stable!”

Annie oooh’d in wonder as I continued- “But anyways, you see these two caps? The one above the other?” Using the 10-mil wrench I unscrewed the top one, and not a drop of oil came out. “You always unscrew this one first- if you unscrew it and oil starts pissing out everywhere, you overfilled it.” Moving on and unscrewing the bottom one revealed that while it did have oil, it was pretty close to the same color as a dehydrated piss. I closed the cap, deciding to top it off anyway.

“You can tell by the color that this oil is near the middle of its life… However, I’m gonna top it off anyway.” I pointed to the oil can, and Anastasia ran towards the workbench as I got up… slower than I would’ve liked to.

“Th… Thu-thanks.” I said, leaning against the fender out of breath; I think being under the car just knocked the wind out of me. I powered on, though- using a tin oil can, I topped it off… I don’t know if it’s a good idea to mix old oil with new oil, but these cars were built like tanks.
It was quite barebones- but it had a closed roof, fifteen inches of ground clearance, a horn, and two fans on the dashboard being as close to a mobile air conditioning as we’re gonna get. While the black paint was chipped in some places revealing the wood paneling, it was like an old gun; the wear to the finish adds character…

And boy, were these cars full of character. Our envoy of Zebra navigators would be driving in front of us, while zebra cars behind us carried luggage and supplies. Due to the more advanced nature of the jungle civilizations, there was a… considerable but still not very high population density; in other words, small villages often stockpiled a few barrels of fuel, as those with cars here often had wealth… and if a rich fucker stops in town for gas, they can charge however much they like.

As for the other cars in our convoy, aside from the one Emmie and Sinan would drive, they looked more like trucks- all open topped with a flat bed, covered in supplies and luggage and already strapped down.

“One more thing I wanted to check, Annie.” I said to her, lifting the driver's seat up. A wooden dipstick was lazily thrown atop the tank, probably rattling like a motherfucker as the car drove in here. “The fu- It’s not even stock!” I yelled, exasperated as I beheld a flat wooden stick with a fill-line marked lazily with marker.

Jesus Christ, those guns are just fucked when they get here. I refilled the fuel, feeling annoyed at all this shit.

Thunk!

The seat finally closed, I stopped to take a breath… and mentally prepared myself to do the same inspection as our other car, being driven by Sinan.

“Mamma?” Annie asked innocently, hopping up onto the cushioned front seat. “Are we almost done?” She yawned adorably, “I’m tired, still!” Despite my overall annoyance at everything right now… I couldn’t help but smirk.

“Oh, alright. You got the gist of it anyway.” I scooped her into a hug and smooched her forehead… then realizing my hands were covered in grease and oil as soon as they started transferring handprints to Annie’s white fur. “Ah, shit…” I muttered as Annie hung off my neck. “Eh, we’ll need to get showers before we leave, anyway.”

Anastasia just laughed, rolling herself up into a ball for a nap… I can’t blame the girl- I was the exact same way growing up; like that time I turned in a massive bounty and took a nap immediately afterwards. Heh… The fuck was I thinking?

Wanting to get the hard shit out of the way immediately, I crawled beneath the car… only to realize the 10-mil was missing.

Fuckin’ dammit all.

---

“Le-Leona… room… assassins!” Was Celestia’s last delirious utterance before falling into a trance-like sleep. While the heartbeat monitor beeped to the rhythm of her vital signs, Luna stood by her bedside, still in her pink bathrobe; holding her sister’s hoof like it was the most precious treasure on Equus.

While the mid-afternoon sun filtered through the dusty window of her sister’s bedroom, she couldn’t help but wonder how things got this way… but deep down, she knew.

A long time ago, she used her vast pools of magic from the Sun to tear and hold open a hole in the ozone layer to make way for her sister’s counter-offense from the Stars… A plan that, in the end, never succeeded in its main goal.

She sniffed, holding back shudders with each breath. “Dear sister…” her voice cracked feebly, and Luna steeled her nerves. “I can help you…” Her swelling eyes couldn’t take it anymore- and when she blinked, errant tears fell down her cheeks. “Make you better…”

Unable to keep herself together, she quietly sobbed into her sister’s shoulder. Even after an hour or two passed by, long after her tears had begun to feel dehydrating, fear left her glued to her sister’s side. Everytime she tried to leave, her mind would play tricks on her; it’d force scenarios into her mind’s palace of her re-entering the room, only to hear a thin-trebled beeeeeep.

The door swung open, revealing Celestia’s private doctor; A yellow-cream colored unicorn stallion with brown hair and a lab coat trailed a cart behind him. She didn’t even look him in the eyes, instead opting to move towards the window when she heard the door. She flung it open and leaned against the sill; aside from hiding the fact that her eyes probably looked red and her face was soaked, she had little interest in watching the Doc check and replace all the fluid bags and… waste tubes.

“Doctor Horse.” She intoned, relishing the feeling of a cool breeze on her tear-soaked face. “How is her condition?” She spoke clearly and cooly, taking immense effort to hold her pain inside.

“She’ll make a full recovery, eventually.” He said, rummaging around with who knows what. “Until then, I recommend regular, frequent check-ins to monitor her progress.” Luna nodded along, barely listening to the particulars. “I’ll leave instructions for her private nurses; they’re going to administer and monitor her dosages, from now on.” He explained, packing all his tools back into the cart. Luna turned around, and watched as he started to wheel the cart out.

“That won’t be necessary, Dr. Horse. One of the maids will deal with that for you.” She said, unable to avoid glancing at the vials the doc had been prescribing. He smirked, nodding.

“Thank you, Princess Luna.” He said, finally bowing before her… half-assedly.

“Let us walk and talk.” She said, gesturing for him to follow. She gave him a wide grin- “I got something, as a token of our appreciation.” The doctor nodded with an approving grin, having to trot to keep up with Luna’s pace.

“You really don’t-” But he was interrupted.

“But we insist!” She exclaimed with a warm, motherly giggle. “After all- ‘tis bad luck to refuse a gift from your Princesses!” She playfully slapped him on the back. “We’re heading to the garage… you ever driven a real, griffon-made Ben’s before?”

His eyes widened in gleeful shock! In keeping up appearances, he had to stop himself from running ahead… but made sure to leave a small lead so he could go down first.

“I have not… but I have driven an Equestrian made car or two, before.” He spoke with a sly tone, trying to hide his internal excitement.

“You’re gonna love it.” Luna said, following him down the last few steps that led to the garage. “Really- it’s a genuine thank you for all you’ve done.”

He giddily stepped through the wooden door into the darkness. Luna used her magic to hit the light switch… the Doctor then noticed something was off.

“You tried to murder my sister, ye hedge-borne, foppish, WANDOUGHT!”

PopBANG! Her pistol, based off the recently invented “caplock” design, had a small hangfire due to sub-par gunpowder… or perhaps some moisture got in the percussion cap tunnel.

The garage was empty; the well-swept concrete floor had a drain in the center; and of all the various tools and maintenance supplies lining the walls, what stood out the most was the magilectric bandsaw and garbage bags.

The hangfire gave the doctor a precious few extra nanoseconds to rethink his life choices before a round bullet punched through the back of his skull, shattering his jaw as it traveled through. His mouth flopped open as his dying body helplessly kicked and flailed- Luna sincerely hoped he was still conscious as he lay there dying.

She snorted, a signature look of smug superiority on her face. A dirty foldable deck chair hung on the wall- Using her magic she unfolded it, lazily using her hoof to dust off the seat. Leaning back with a sigh, her magic reached into the pocket of her pink bathrobe, pulling out a small metal tube; enchanted with preserving spells, the obscenely expensive cigar inside should be as fresh as it was the last time she smoked it.

Her magic lit it, too- and within just a few seconds, she was puffing on a ludicrously expensive cigar while waiting for some prick to die. Before she forgot, though- her magic stuffed a couple trash bags into her pocket.

She watched the doctor- that snake. That vile degenerate got her sister hooked on drugs for kickbacks from pharmaceutical companies. Her rage burned inside of her- coupled with the fact that the only reason she slept in so long, was because of some whistleblower’s pamphlet detailing how major pharmaceuticals preyed on addiction for steady revenue.

While she technically didn’t find any evidence that it was on purpose, the checks from the company behind Ketalor still arrived the same. And they’re not the only ones!

These whistleblower pamphlets are rare and subservient to the Rule of the Crown… but she couldn’t deny their usefulness… despite the civil unrest it’s caused.

Finally, the doctor’s spasms started decreasing slowly.

Getting up with a sigh, she walked to the outside-door, cigar still in her mouth.

Clang, Clang, Clang!

The garage door rolled up as soon as she knocked, one guard already saluting, and the other saluting when the door was up.

“Take care of this.” She commanded, and the two bowed respectfully. “He was maidenless; his disappearance can be chalked up to… ponynapping, I suppose.” She shrugged, already having a million and one things on her plate to deal with. As she walked back towards the main entrance, “Have one of your fellow guardsmen firmly remind everypony that what happens here, is to not be heard of. Not. A. Soul.”

They yes-ma’am’d her as she walked back towards her own bedroom. Her magic scooped up a large wad of pillows, blankets, and anything that’d be soft; unfortunately the chair in her sister’s room had to be taken away, as blood from the injection sight left an indelible stain on the main beanbag.

She felt immense relief when she heard the rhythmic beeping of the vital reader; wordlessly, she started building up the wad of pillows and blankets into a makeshift bed of her own.

Historically, Luna has been known as the Sword of Equestria, while Celestia is the historical Shield. In her most depressive moods, she’d call herself the “Cowardly Garrote.” But even in the hardest times, her sister was there for her… even when a demon in Luna’s brain didn’t want her to be.

Right now, however? She was the janitor of Equestria; working unseen in the background to get this fucking mess cleaned up.

She needed to bring the new specialist in and catch them up to speed. She needed somepony to stand in for Celestia at Blueblood’s funeral, for public appearances. There’d need to be an addiction specialist she could trust.

But the first thing she chose to clean were the vials of poison scattered about; she figured that’d be a good start as she started piling them into a trash bag.

---

I… I missed roads. Sincerely.

The first leg of our journey involved trying to drive out of the crowded city where the people seemingly have NO FUCKING SITUATIONAL AWARENESS!

AWOOOOOGA!

“MOVE IT, PRICK!” I yelled at one guy who just barely dodged my fender, flipping him off. “YOU DON’T HEAR THE BIG FUCKIN MOTOR ROLLING AT YA!?”

Etcetera Etcetera. This was America-tier city design and I wasn’t sure if I liked it. At least the population density will decrease towards the forest…

OH WAIT! NO ONE LIVES OUT HERE BECAUSE THESE ROADS ARE SHIT!

I was white-knuckling the wheel traveling through and over those ruts… or ravines, depending on who you ask. Many of them were soft, with mud pooling in them.

“When you’re offroading, Anastasia-” I started explaining to her, interrupting her laughter and cries for More hills! “You gotta keep your thumbs out, like this!” I said, demonstrating holding the wheel with my thumbs out.

Talking to Annie made me hate this driving experience a little less. “Otherwise, if you hit a rock and the wheel jerks, your thumbs’ll go with it!”

“That’d probably hurt!” She responded over the sounds of the engine, and I snorted.

“It’d definitely tickle, at least.” Seeing a long, flat-ish stretch of mud-road in front of me, I sighed and ruffled Annie’s feathers. “Can we talk about something?” I asked, and she huh?’d.

I nervously shifted. “The other night when I came home, you… wanted to tell me something?” I was still a little unsure; all I knew is if I didn’t talk to her about the other night, then he would tell Dee that I’m an out of control drunkard.

His words, not mine.

Eyes locked on the road, I could only glance at Annie- only to see her shift nervously.

“I really wish you wouldn’t drink so much.”

…

“That fuck, did he put you up to this shit?” Just what I fucking needed on top of everything else today.

Annie pouted.

“Anastasia, tell me the truth. Did your uncle tell you to say that?” I spoke firmly, and she pouted.

“Every time you go out and drink, you ignore the rest of us!” My knuckles gripped the steering wheel uncomfortably hard. “You’d rather sit by the pool and drink than play with me!” My claws started tearing the leather wheel cover.

“I get sore! I work all the fucking time!” I defended with a perfectly valid reason, “Believe me, when you get to my age, you get pain in joints you didn’t even know existed! And I’m only turning 33 next month!”

“Uncle Em said you were acting exactly like his nasty, alcoholic mom!”

My right hand flew off the steering wheel, backhand aiming for Anastasia’s cheek… but I choked, my flat hand straining in midair, my knuckles slowly closing back up.

“I hit a weird bump. Steering wheel got my thumb a little.” I said, mimicking shaking the pain off. I took a deep breath.

“I’m sorry, baby.” I said, wrapping my arm around her back and ruffling her feathers. “You’re the greatest thing to happen to me. I… I’m hurting you with my drinking, I admit.” With a sigh and a genuine smile, I leaned over and kissed her on the forehead. “I’ll cut back, alright?”

While my hand was rubbing her feathers, she grabbed and hugged my arm, cheek rubbing against it. “Thanks, Mamma.”

A look around told one that the sun was going down- and soon would conclude the first night of traveling. We’d be stopping in some village to refuel and stay at the inn for the night.

“You’re the bestest in the world, Mamma!” I smirked, feeling tears of j- “Mommy says you’d lose a lot more weight if you quit drinking, too!” pain. Tears of pain.

“Really? She said that?” I asked, voice cracking faintly. Children can be… brutally honest, I’ve found.

“Yeah! She says you’d look and feel better!” She laughed, nuzzling my fat fucking arm. “But I don’t get what she means. You look fine, and you’re really soft!” I forced myself to laugh, since the most hurtful thing anyone’s ever told me was framed as a joke.

“Thank you, baby.” Without a second afterthought, “Why don’t you look out the window for a bit? Enjoy the jungle, we won’t be here forever!”

“Okay, Mamma!” She practically bounced in her seat, craning her back to look out the window.

She didn’t mean it. She did not fucking mean it like that. I fucking refused to believe that. Admittedly, I’ve let myself go in these past few years- but I’m not fucking fat!

When we got to the village that night, you better fucking believe I was throwing shots back the moment I put Annie to bed. I’ll refrain from drinking during daylight hours- but after? Fuck it, with how much shit I’m dealing with, I at least need it to help me sleep.

---

“Good morning, Sister!” Luna sing-songed; she was quite happy, as her sister had only woken up last night- briefly at that.

“You… you bring my meds?” She muttered from under the covers, seemingly having no energy. “I needed it…for sleep.” Her voice was soft, almost like it hurt to talk.

“I threw it all away.” She responded simply, and Celestia shot up out of bed!

“Preposterous!” She seethed, voice rough like gravel. “Where is my doctor!?”

“His license was… revoked. Then we replaced him with somepony who can actually help you.” Celestia attempted to get out of bed- but a series of sharp pains all over shut that down. She winced, slowly getting back into bed to mope.

“Sister.” Luna spoke sternly, and Celestia’s back stiffened. “I know it’s hard right now, but I promise- it only gets easier from here on out.” Luna pressed a hoof to her sister’s, the two of them locking eyes; and the look of her sister smiling with that look on her face…

Despite not having her medicine, she couldn’t help but feel a sense of genuine joy.

“The good news is, the doctors seem to think that the side-effects are mainly psychological- I’ll make sure to check in as much as possible.” She kissed her sister on the forehead. “The PA system is active, and the specialist should be arriving in a bit. Alright?”

Celestia nodded slowly, throat too sore to even speak. Thankfully the pain wasn’t too bad, today- plus, there was a pitcher of water on the nightstand.

“Try and rest up, sister. Everything will be alright.” The door shut slowly, and Celestia used her magic to remove the covers the moment she heard the latch click.

Straight to the dresser, the one with the large mirror on it… and she beheld in horror the lack of any of her medicine.

“Where…” She grumbled, throwing the drawers open; getting desperate, she dumped them out to rummage through the mess of drawer-nonsense. She could count the individual strands on the carpet from how hard she was looking, but no matter what- not a single vial remained.

“No no no…” She muttered, throwing open her closet drawer, lifting her mattress, even the desk-drawers weren’t safe. “Gaaah!” She groaned in utter annoyance, dropping everything at once in a huff.

The pain in her throat had gotten unbearable- so she grabbed the pitcher and sloppily poured it down her throat, seemingly unaware of the volumes of water splashing all over her…

Something on her desk caught her eye- an envelope, still sealed.

For The Best Sister In The World! With a heart drawn on in red ink.

In grieving for the loss of the one thing that made life bearable, she crumbled the letter up; it was tossed into a nondescript corner, and she flopped onto bed.

“Sh… sh’l’d… shoulda died.” She muttered to herself, feeling like her life was meaningless; after all, there could be no-one she could relate to. She was a goddess. She was larger than life. She was a worthless fucking junkie, in her eyes. She knew it, everypony else knew it…

But if only she knew how wrong she was… at least about the no-one to relate to, thing.

Under The Bridge

View Online

“Princess Celestia?” She heard a voice near her door, a mare from what she sounded like. A few knocks rang out- “I’m coming in, if that’s alright?” She sighed deeply, rolling over and flinging the covers over her head. “I’m coming in now.”

Creeeeeeeak!

“Ahh…” Celestia whined, holding the sides of her head.

“I’m gonna set the lights to dim to let your eyes adjust.” Under her blanket shield, the dim bedroom light couldn’t penetrate. She was safe here. “Could you please come out? I want to check your vitals.”

A groan from the bed's occupant told the mare that this wouldn’t be an easy task.

“Please? It’s just a precaution to make sure you’re alright-”

“Uuuugh!” Celestia vented her frustration by throwing her blanket off, sitting up and crossing her hooves with a huff. Her telekinesis flung the curtains open, natural sunlight filling the room; and oddly enough, the Doctor didn’t even flinch at this sudden outburst.

“It’s alright, you’re safe here.” She said, slowly cantering her way to the bedside and holding her hoof. “I’m Dr. Daydream- And I can’t begin to express how happy I am to finally meet you!” She was a unicorn mare, and Celestia saw that from the odd curvature of her barrel, she must have had scoliosis or some other deformity. She wore a white lab coat over her bright yellow fur; her dark brown mane and tail matched the freckles dotting her face.

“Yes, I know- I look like a banana in a bath towel. You wouldn’t be the first!” The Dr. Daydream giggled mirthfully- and Celestia couldn’t help but smirk at the similarities.

“My… my sister likes bananas…” Celestia mused, somewhat feeling out of it. “But she’s… weird. She’d eat the peel, and let me have the fruit.” Daydream giggled politely, heading towards the door- and from behind, the curvature was much more noticeable, especially with the uneven gait she walked. Her telekinesis pulled a medical cart out of the hallway and shut the door behind it.

“If you want, you can call me Day, Doc, or even Ann.” She said, the faint tear of a Velcro blood-pressure cuff. “Ponies called me Banana Ann in school- it kinda stuck!... Arm, please!” Celestia nodded as the doctor did her work- but she was wondering where the nurse was. “Your blood pressure is goo-!”

“Ann?” Celestia interrupted, and she hummed. “Where’s your staff?” Ann just looked up with a wide grin.

“You’re looking at them!” She spread her arms with a wide grin, gesturing to her horn- “This is my head nurse!” To each hoof, “These two are my part-time staff!” then gesturing to her hind hooves, “These two? Kinda dumb and useless, but if things go sideways, I’ll put ‘em to work!”

Overall, Ann’s cheery mood and disposition made Celestia unable to wipe the soft, almost weary smile off her face, draped in strands of dirty, greasy pink mane… but something was wrong.

“Where’s my sister?” Anxiety spiked in her chest as she sat straighter, and Ann immediately set the clipboard she was scribbling on down; grabbing Celestia’s hoof, her gentle grasp and soft gaze calmed her down, allowing her to lean back in her bed.

“She’s alright- just relax.” she said, “She’s dealing with stuff while you take some time to yourself- and more importantly, recover.” Despite the calmness around her, Celestia’s heartbeat spiked. “It’ll just be a couple days where you can focus on you.”

“No, no, the-the, what about the Shoes and the-” A hoof to her chest gently guided her back down. “What… what kind of doctor are you?” She was wary now.

With a kind smile, she replied- “I’m an addiction recovery and dream therapy specialist.” Then with a sly grin, she continued- “And… I’m a recovering prescription medication addict.”

Celestia’s head shot back in surprise; Ann just gave her a kind grin.

“I don’t look like a junkie, right?” She giggled, “I’ve been clean about… seven years? Eh, give or take! But that’s the insidious part of addiction, I think.” With a somber expression, she leaned close to the bed, and pointed out their reflections where they stood side-by-side in the nearby mirror.

“Seven years ago, I was lying in a hospital bed in a state much like you were in.” She mused. “I’d just lost my meager apartment, a few months after my special somepony left me because of my Disease. My last few bits were gone, spent on some sketchy street junk which I sincerely hoped would be my last high.”

Then she turned back, locking eyes with that soft gaze once again. “Then while my unconscious body was getting loaded onto a wagon, Princess Luna came to me in a dream!” Her look of genuine admiration felt touching, tears welling in the corner of both their eyes. “She helped me take the time to self reflect, realize how much of a problem my addiction was not just to me, but everypony around me.”

“I can hardly see how my own medicine affects others around me.” she said with a scoff, crossing her hooves.

Ever patient, Ann replied- “What about when Princess Luna was woken up by you screaming for help?” She grabbed the clipboard, flipping to the front. “Patient was found in a state of heavy delirium after the intentional or unintentional overdose of Ketamine. Her sister believes this to be an ongoing problem, but it is the opinion of Dr. Horse that her medication should not be discontinued, as the risk of dangerous withdrawals… eh, yadda yadda and other quackery.”

“See! Even my other doctor agreed that there’s nothing wrong with me!” Ann just looked up at Celestia, and deadpanned-

“Your old doctor had his license revoked after Luna found out he was getting paid off by the pharmaceutical company behind Ketelar. He had a personal monetary incentive to keep you supplied with their narcotics.” Celestia looked down at her blankly, slowly flopping back into her bed. With a heavy sigh, she spoke-

“Six years or so ago, I broke my hindleg while jogging in the woods. The pain lasted for a long while, and when I brought it up to the doctor, Ketalor was his first suggestion.” From personal experience, she was certain her sister revoked more than just his medical license. “I have… much to think about.”

Ann just nodded, an understanding smile on her face.

“Think positive, Princess!” She said, putting her stuff back onto her medical cart. “This is a great time to think and self-reflect; How did I get here? Where am I going? Where would I have gone?” Her tone was professional and sympathetic- “And most importantly- you and I are victims of a disease called Addiction. It’ll take you places you never wanted to go and do things you never wanted to do.”

“Then you can cure me?” Celestia asked naively, but the caring smile of her new doctor never left. “Treat me, whatever- I’m fine with medication, really!”

“It gets better with time, but it doesn’t go away. I’m not ashamed to admit I still have cravings, despite all I went through; but I know how to deal with them, these days.” She moved the cart into one of the cleaner corners of the room, since she figured she’d need it later anyway. “There’s something I said to your sister during that original encounter, and it stuck with me ever since; ‘I know how to get drunk. I know how to get high.’ I looked up at her, tears pouring down my face as I asked, ‘Please, I need somepony to teach me how to recover!’”

Celestia looked at her in amazement, almost struggling to picture how this once-broken mare must have looked, groveling before her sister. Begging her for help, even.

“I’m honored to help in any way I can. I’ll be living in the next room over- yell or pound on the wall if you need… anything!” She knocked on the wall twice, “If you want food, new bedsheets, somepony to talk to- anything!”

“Could you perhaps… clean my room?” The Princess asked… and the mare shook her head.

“That, I cannot do. Personal responsibility is an important aspect of recovery; one of the most basic tenets of that is cleaning your own messes. It’s how you make amends, after all- admitting that you made a mistake and trying to make up for it!... You want these curtains shut?” She asked, and the Princess shook her head slowly, grumbling with her arms crossed.

“It only gets easier from here- think! You’re a little over 24 hours clean, now!” That made Celestia pause briefly. Has it really been a day since she’d last had her medicine?

‘I… I am, aren’t I?’ Celestia thought to herself. ‘And… I guess I don’t feel as awful as I normally do…’

The bedroom door shut slowly behind her new doctor.

“Ann?” She turned, seeing Celestia greeting her with a warm smile. “Just call me Celestia. Please.”

“Thank you, Celestia. You’re doing wonderful so far, I hope you realize!” she clacked her hooves together in excitement before turning and heading out the d-

“One more thing?” She asked. Grinning sheepishly and looking off to the side, she requested- “Can… Can I get something to eat? Something light, I’m… I’m a little nauseous, is all.”

---

“Mamma!” Was the first thing I heard this-morning, sounding faintly like Anastasia.

“Fuuuck…” I muttered to myself, wondering how early it was. “Shitty fackin’ bed…” I muttered, wondering what fucking hovel we were quartered in.

“I missed you!” She tackled me in a hug, and I felt something hard jab my back, causing me to grunt in pain.

“Mis’ya too…” I muttered, feeling grains of dirt between my fingers. “Ahhh… fuck.”

Apparently, I’d fallen asleep in my clothes. Outside. With my back leaning against the door of our car. A blowtorch was tossed off to the side, and a bottle of rye had rolled off somewhere.

“Leona? Where did the ravioli go?” I heard Sinan ask, and I blinked in confusion. “The canned ravioli we brought for the trip. Where is it?”

“Ahh, f… I don’ know.” I was still a little fucked up, to be honest.

“I found them!” My daughter vigilantly noticed the empty cans of ravioli around the place.

“Hold on, what happened?” Emmie butted in as I worked on sitting up properly.

“Five, six, seven, eight… Nine cans!” My daughter proudly announced to God and everyone around. “Nine cans of ravioli!”

I felt ashamed, to be honest. Who the fuck wants to admit they ate nine cans of ravioli in a sitting?

It was early too- the sun had barely risen.

“Look, I’m shorry.” I slurred as I tried to stand up. I grabbed hold of the fender, only for it to bend and knock me on my back. I could only look straight up as my friends and daughter stood around me, looking down in disappointment.

“Nine cans. Nine!” Sinan yelled, and… it hurt, to be frank; I was in a bad state and feeling so fucking vulnerable. Whilst Emmie and my daughter looked more concerned… Sinan was covering a smirk. To get up, I had to roll onto my side; and I couldn’t stand how it took more effort now than it did just a few years ago. But when I got there, it was a simple matter of standing up-

“I’m just saying, it might be a good thing if you started to seriously consider salads.” Sinan said as I was half way up- but hearing that, I fell to my haunches. Anastasia was immediately at my side, as if she was able to sense that something was wrong.

“IT’S NOT FUNNY!” I shouted, causing them to jump back. Anastasia hugged my side, and I wrapped her in my arms for comfort.

Sinan had an apologetic look on his face- “Woah woah, I’m sorry! I-I didn’t try to strike a nerve, friend!” I huffed as he and Emmie each sat next to me, one on each side.

I kept my mouth shut- I really didn’t want to cry now. I just tried to keep my breathing steady while enjoying the warmth and comfort of my family; I don’t think I’ve ever shut down this bad before, and I think the shame and guilt I felt was a major part of it.

“We’re not angry- we do care about you, believe it or not.” Emmie said, and I nodded.

“I really am sorry for what I said- and for what it’s worth, you’re really not that heavy.” Sinan offered up… and I couldn’t help but huff in the place of a chuckle.

“Yeah, Mamma! You’re big and strong!” She squeezed my barrel, and I chuckled for real this time. “I bet you’d beat anyone in a fight!”

“You know what?” Emmie spoke up, “Maybe it’d be best for the two of you to go home?” I shook my head immediately at the suggestion.

“Fuck that, we still got stuff to do!” I said. Plain as that.

“But I wanna go home, too!” Anastasia said, and I was taken aback!

“Wha’tha, Anastasia!?” I outraged, and she took a step back to look me in the eyes. “You were talking about this trip for a month straight for how excited you were!” But she just shrugged.

“Eh, it’s neat and all… but I’ve seen plenty of pictures in books!” She said excitedly, ranting on- “There’s no radio and I can’t read their books! I don’t even know what anyone’s saying! And the kids in this village have never seen a yo-yo, while I don’t understand any of the rules to their games!”

“Wait… those kids were playing Nock’Lack…” Sinan mused, cocking an eyebrow. “All you have to do is throw a rock into the opponents basket, while making sure to defend your own.” Anastasia just scoffed.

“Well, why didn’t anyone tell me!?” She threw her arms out in outrage, before crossing them in a huff. “I wanna go home!”

After a few moments, I conceded with a sigh.

“What’s the plan?” I asked, standing up and signaling for the others to get up. Emmie spoke up-

“I can send a carrier pigeon back to the main capital to let them know you’d be on your way. They’ll get the ship ready, and I’ll make up something, like… you got sick or something.” I nodded, figuring that’d be good enough. “In the meantime, there’s a stone creek with a decent waterfall you can get cleaned up at.”

I nodded, muttering thanks under my breath.

“I want to see you get better, Leona. I really do.” He said before heading towards the village's carrier pigeon sanctuary; it was essentially a place where various pigeon cages were labeled with their places of origin, and was actually quite the robust messaging system despite the primitive nature of it.

I rolled my eyes, mentally preparing myself to run back home with my tail between my legs.

Fucks sake.

Through the bushline was indeed a creek. I’d left my dirty clothes in the car for now, grabbing a fresh set and a towel along with some bar soap; It was actually a really beautiful place to bathe, as the clear water trickled gently off a rocky outcrop some ten feet above into a gentle creek, its white granite riverbed sparkling in the sunlight. Surrounding me was a glade where during certain times of the day, locals would visit to enjoy a nice bath, cold mountain water carrying the sweat and grime downstream to be someone else's problem.

In fact, they actually collected their water further upstream, so the locals drank from the trickling waterfall like a fountain sometimes. Their village was downstream, but no-one drank the water there anyway… anyone who did rarely made the same mistake twice, according to Sinan.

But this early in the morning? Not a soul besides me. I was about shoulder-deep at the lowest point; I rested my barrel on a rocky underwater ledge facing the waterfall, the eastern sun warming my upper back and neck and drew in a deep sigh. I glanced off to my left, then off to my right; I finally felt content, able to let go of this nagging weight on my back.

“MAKE ROOM!” I heard Emmie, and I stood unable to move.

“WAIT NO!” I yelled, but I was too late.

Splishhhhhhhh!

He didn’t jump, just sort of ran in and splashing water all over the place… and me.

“The water’s warm this morning!” He exclaimed, and I had to think fast.

“It’s gotta be that sun!” I said, barely able to look east without being blinded. Thankfully, looking away helped to hide the intense blush on my face at the situation. “Could you imagine living next to this?”

He chuckled as I turned around- I could tell he wasn’t wearing a shirt or his eyepatch; but the sun behind him practically obscured his features.

“I’m gonna cut the bullshit here. We need to talk.” He said, and I mentally braced myself to get bitched at. “Don’t give me that look.”

I just shrugged. “The fuck’s your problem?” He huffed in annoyance.

“My problem, is that my baby’s on the way and you’re turning into a selfish fucking drunk!” He poked me on the chest and I rolled my eyes.

“Your baby? I do-” He got close, very close.

“On the trip home, I want you to self reflect. You’ve been practically ignoring Anastasia for half this trip!” He ranted in a hushed tone. “Do you have any idea how worried sick she was this morning? All of us?” I grit my beak, not being in any sort of mood for this shit.

“Everything turned out okay because it always fucking does anyway!” I defended, glancing off to the side. “Besides, do you know what she said? My wife goes behind my back, telling everyone how fat I am!” I huffed, tears welling in my eyes.

“No the fuck she doesn’t.” Was his only response, looking me dead in the eyes.

“Yeah! She goes around saying I’d look better if I quit drinking, like that has anything to do with it!” I crossed my arms, fuming internally.

“So you drink because you… don’t want to look better?” He said like a fucking smartass, and I groaned in annoyance.

“No, you stupid fuck! I know I’m fat, I know I need to exercise more; but I can hardly see how quitting booze will magically fix that!” He growled, scowling as he stomped my way, putting his hooves to my shoulders. A cloud moved to cover the sun, and the shade presented his face in full detail. It felt like all three pupils glared directly at me; not my eyes, but my very soul.

“Leona- I’m gonna give you a pass for that insult because your wife bears my child. Your kid- but my genes. My blood.” If I didn’t feel oddly terrified, I’d ask if he claimed the spunk cup too. “But if you know what’s good for you, you’ll ensure you get your little problem figured out. If you put my baby through the shit Anastasia’s going through… the shit my mother put me through?” He gave me a wide cheshire grin… he giggled oddly before shoving me back.

“Your wife will want to speak with you as well.” He said, walking out of the creek. “Sinan and I will be heading out to speak to the Shah of Irem, soon. Finish up, quickly.”

He walked away, magic seemingly pulling the water away from him as he threw his clothes over his back.

I took a few deep breaths to calm myself down before finally finishing my morning piss.

It was not pleasant holding it in through that, to be honest.

---

Princess Celestia lay in bed, reading from a tattered old journal, her horn bathing the yellowed pages in golden light. The cover, illuminated by the early morning sun, showed no distinct markings in the brown leather except for a name; Celestia… though the way it was written would appear strange to a modern pony.

It was, in her opinion, her last great Triumph before her power began to wane. Though that arch had long fallen somewhere within the Everfree, near the ruins of Old Canterlot, the burning pride still remained.

She remembered that day, standing on the edge of a high cloud. Luna had asked something along the lines of “Are you sure!?”

She remembered looking to her sister with a look of utter resolve in the face of great danger as she channeled her power, her horn straining harder than it ever did. Near the apex, she could barely scream out-

Alea… IACTA… EST!

Then her horn roared with solar fire as her internal Mana pool burned out of control below the surface like a fire in a coal seam. Blue sky gave way to a hole tearing across it, the starry void of blackened, dusty cosmos coloring the sky above the Dragon’s homeland.

Luna brought forth rocks, meteors, debris, and demons from the stars; Celestia writhed and screamed in pain, wishing in secret that the spell would fail and finally shatter her consciousness. Starswirl stood by her side, his magic working to ensure that wouldn’t happen- and in the end, it took both Luna and Starswirl to “turn off the gas” so to speak.

But like a coal-seam fire, it can only be contained so well. It’s been burning almost as fast as she could replenish; so despite having a decent sized magic pool left, it regenerates far too slowly to risk using too much at once. Her Ethereal Sphincter, located on a fourth-dimensional part of her horn, was stunted beyond repair- and despite the near-infinite capacity of her Mana pool, her remaining reserve could last approximately ten unicorn lifetimes in magic…

And for somepony like her, that was a mere drop in the bucket of black infinity.

“Good morning, Celestia!” Ann said cheerily as she knocked on the door. Celestia closed the journal and set it on her desk, sighing heavily.

“You may enter.” She said, greeting her doctor with a weary smile. “Good morning to you as well…” The exhaustion in her voice was evidently caused by a lack of restful sleep.

“Any luck tryin’ to sleep?” She asked, routinely putting the blood pressure cuff on her thin arm. The princess shook her head, and the doctor could feel sympathy. “May I ask why? I’d hate to assume, you know?” She mused, listening while focusing on the princesses vitals check.

She was squeezing the bulb on the blood pressure cuff as Celestia explained-

“I… I tried to sleep… but I couldn’t get that junk out of my mind.” She had a bitter expression on her face when she alluded to her old prescription. “Like a voice in my head telling me I couldn’t sleep without it; between that anxiety and heart palpitations, I decided to peruse my old journals.” She snorted and giggled- “Tell me Ann, how does that work? I’m tired, but I can’t sleep. What’s with that?”

Ann chuckled, holding a stethoscope to Celestia’s veins. “Those are cravings! They’re very normal, and will come and go with varying intensity.” The stethoscope was then pressed to her back. “Deep breaths, please!” Celestia did as she was told, taking several deep breaths in succession while Ann listened to her breathing. “But you know what? You’ve sort of already found a coping skill!”

Celestia blinked. “A what?” It was that moment Ann realized she’d have to get the princess up to speed on the modern mental health terminology. She clicked her tongue.

“Mind if I pull in a chair?” Celestia nodded, and the doctor hobbled out of the room, using her magic to bring in an armchair from her room. “I also brought a notebook, so you can take notes!” A pen was clicked and the spiral notebook floated to Celestia’s bed. The cheery mare hopped on her armchair, her curved spine supported by pillows that propped it up.

“Starting with terminology, cravings are… just that! Just like somepony might crave a specific food every now and again, recovering addicts like us get them for our Drug of Choice- or, DoC for short!” The rapid scribbling of a pen ceased not long after she paused to let Celestia catch up. “They’re usually triggered by familiar people, places, and things which you subconsciously associated with using. Last night, you started getting really intense cravings. Describe to me what you were doing at the time.”

Celestia just shrugged. “I was laying in bed at around… eight Pm, when all of a sudden, I just couldn’t get it out of my mind. I’d tell myself to stop thinking about it, but that just kept feeding into itself, I imagine. Hours of laying in bed drenched in icy sweat is what finally made me say, ‘toss it all!’.” She explained, Ann listened with a sympathetic look. “Though… though I suppose that self reflecting on my past helped take my mind off it for a while.”

Ann gave her a wide grin, clacking her hooves together.

“And that’s a coping skill!” She explained- “Coping skills are the tools we use to help deal with these feelings. What you practiced boils down to distraction; when you recognize a craving, you can force yourself to focus on something else- in broad strokes, of course.” Celestia scribbled away, glancing upward with a smile when she was caught up. “And you have to consider what triggered the craving- for instance, if you typically use at certain times of day, they’ll intensify around that period. Locations can set it off, too- For instance, I’ve recommended opium addicts to move someplace without a balcony, as that’s where they typically used.”

Celestia nodded along as she scribbled away; Ann hopped off her chair, putting her medical equipment back into the cart. “As your doctor, I’m giving you an assignment; anytime your cravings intensify, I want you to journal about it. What you were doing that led up to it, date and time, etcetera etcetera- and when you start recognizing your triggers, it’ll be easier to come up with more coping skills to counter them.” Her chair was neatly set into a non-dirty corner of the room, figuring she’d need it later. “Coping skills are a variety of tools for a variety of situations. For instance- every now and again, I get that urge to just say ‘heck with it!’ and write myself up a prescription. But then I’ll look up and read the side-effect list before thinking about how if I were using again, I wouldn’t be able to keep helping out other addicts!”

After a few moments of quiet introspection, Celestia nodded. “Very well.”

Ann gave her a wide grin. “I’ll bring your breakfast up, then. Seriously! Write it down!” She said, reiterating her assignment before shutting the door behind her.

Once her light breakfast of brown sugar oatmeal with toast and milk was dropped off and picked away at, Celestia got that odd feeling again- after all, she always took her morning dose after breakfast. She lay in bed, reminiscing about that wonderful feeling of alienation in her own body… when she suddenly had an epiphany.

She rose out of bed, beholding the piles of junk scattered about from her desperate search for a dose. She opened the curtains to let more natural sunlight in, using her telekinesis to slowly tidy her room, one drawer at a time.

---

The nearly ten hour drive of shame home was long, awkward, and preceded by something I could not take my mind off of. Before we left, Emmie decided to use his magic to check me for ticks, as a result of my dirt-nap.

I tried to avoid thinking about it too hard while I was driving, as the dubious nature of these roads required my full attention.

“Mamma?” Annie asked, and I hummed. “Can we pull over? I gotta go!” She’d been squirming in her seat for a while- and I sighed, because I asked her five minutes ago, along with several other points in the trip so far, if she needed me to pull over… you know, when we were on the non-muddy stretch of road, dried by the sun poking through the canopy gaps.

“Sure thing, just let us get to somewhere we can pull over.” I was looking for a spot where the road was a little wider to pull over, just in case anyone happened to be traveling.

“Hurry uuuup!” She whined, and I rolled my eyes.

AWOOOOGA! AWOOOOOGA!

The large klaxon bolted to the side door was activated by a plunger on a rack-and-pinion rather than electricity; and two honks was the signal to let the car guiding us back know we were pulling over.

In this case, it was more like the middle of the road. It was wide enough that maybe a carriage could try passing. Anastasia nearly tore her belt out as she darted out the passenger door, probably heading towards the nearby cluster of bushes for privacy.

I shut the car off, getting out to stretch my legs a little. I was back to thinking about that thing- Emmie standing next to me, using some magical scan or other to detect anything that shouldn’t be on or inside my body.

I was just looking ahead as he did it- but a chance look out of the corner of my eyes showed him looking peculiarly at my head. The look immediately swapped back to a more neutral one, and it was so subtle I almost didn’t notice. I figured he was looking at the louse, so I asked him-

“You find anything odd?” His reply is what has been nagging at me the most.

“Nothing at all, friend. You’re clean!” But surely the louse would’ve set him off? I don’t know, and I realize this is a non issue- so why did it bother me so much? Emmie’s always been a weird guy- I’m probably overthinking it.

It’s been a couple minutes- and now I was wondering what was taking Anastasia so long?

“Honey? Is everything alright?” I asked, making my way around the cluster of bushes- she stood tall, shaking terribly and staring straight ahead.

“P-Please… help… Mamma… please!” Her gaze never broke with whatever she was looking at, her voice barely perceptible as she begged for help under her breath.

“Anastasia- don’t move!” I commanded, shuddering in disgust as I beheld the creature; a fat, hairy spider, about the size of a cat stood leering at my daughter from about ten feet away. Its ginormous mandibles rubbed together, the sharp points dripping with God knows what and sounding like scraping wood. Even with the lack of pupils, one could see its eyes glaring hungrily at my daughter- my baby!

snap

The snap of the button keeping my gun in its holster made the thing rear back, Anastasia shouting in terror as its back legs left the ground.

BANG!BANG!BANG!BANG!

Four shots knocked it out of the air and onto its back, legs kicking and squirming-

BANG! BANG!

Two more shots caused the milky blue blood to spill out, its legs curling inwards as I rushed over to scoop my daughter up.

“It’s okay baby, Mamma’s here.” She cried hysterically into my shoulder, understandably terrified out of her mind and babbling away.

“HATE SPIDERS!” She’d cry, “I DUN WANNA SEE A SPIDER EVER AGAAAIN!”

“It’s okay, it can’t hurt you. Mamma’s got you.” I sniffled, tears running down my cheeks. “Mamma will protect you, it’s okay.” The adrenaline started fading, and the fact that I’d almost lost my daughter… my baby… Well, now I was the one struggling to keep it together. “I’ll never leave you, baby. Never, never…” I shuddered with every breath, clutching my baby in my arms like the first day I had her.

This procession went on for about twenty minutes- at some point our Zebra guides tried to rush us, but I told them to fuck off. The rest of the drive home was spent convincing Anastasia that spiders like that don’t live anywhere in Griffonia; any time the road evened out, I took a hand off the wheel and threw it around her back, leaning her into my side.

Poor baby- that fuckin thing appeared from behind the treeline as soon as she was done taking a leak. I’d heard about those spiders- they’re supposedly rare in this particular region… so just my fucking luck, we stumbled into one and now my poor baby’s traumatized.

Seeing the unmarked Griffonian zeppelin parked atop a large cargo ship was a beautiful sight indeed- Griffon workers simply took our luggage off the back of their cars and flew it up; Anastasia and I simply flew behind them, cresting the mountain of shipping containers which held the materials needed to begin construction of our docks. The zeppelin was just strapped down up top- so it was still full of fuel and ready to go.

Once inside, I wasted no time jumping on the couch, trying to catch my breath and lighting a cigarette. I popped the window open behind me, letting the cool ocean breeze fill the room.

“Fffuck…” I groaned to myself, puffing at my cigarette. “I gotta go on a friggin diet or something.”

“I'm gonna get somethin’ to eat!” Anastasia said, heading towards the kitchen. “You want something, Mamma?”

I took a deep breath, finally sitting up as our zeppelin lurched upward to begin the five day trip home. “Ehhh, just grab me a stick of pepperoni and a beer.” I said, leaning back and kicking my foot up; I took my wooden leg off, resting it on the side of the couch.

“O-Okay… I guess.” She muttered, disappearing into the kitchen. She soon brought back a sandwich, a stick of pepperoni, and a bottle of orange pop.

“Where’s my drink?” I asked her as she popped the cap on hers. She just shrugged, though-

“Didn’t see any.” She stared straight ahead, munching on her sandwich.

“Anastasia, for fu… Ugh!” I rolled my eyes, hopping on three legs to the kitchen- it turns out, it was in the bottom drawer the whole time. “Found it!” I giggled as I hopped back into the living room, a can of beer held under my wing.

Anastasia looked at me with a glare- I just gave her a smug grin, “It was in the bottom drawer, ya knucklehead!” I playfully ruffled her feathers before sitting back down. “Besides, what’s wrong with a couple drinks at night?” Her bottle opener, which double functioned as a can opener, was sitting on the end table- and when I reached over to grab it, she snatched it up and stuffed it in her pocket.

“That one’s mine. Get your own.” She hopped off the couch with a huff, grabbing her drink and leaving the crusts of her sandwich on the end table. She stomped towards her room angrily.

“Anastasia Grimfeather.” She’s smart enough to know I’m not fucking around when I bring the full name out, stopping where she stood. “First off, you don’t talk to me that way. Second, who the fuck bought you that again?” She stood there defiantly. “Anastasia. You were warned once. Don’t make me-”

“FINE!” She yanked it out of her pocket and threw it my way, skidding to a halt just in front of the couch; she slammed the door behind her. “I’M GOING TO BED!”

I rolled my eyes at her tantrum bending over with a groan to pick up the opener- the can opener was just a pointed piece of metal, meant to pierce a triangle shaped hole; one for drinking, the other to let air in.

“Ungrateful fuckin’ brat.” I muttered before I took a sip, sighing in content as I felt like I could finally relax. On the end table next to me was a decent stack of newspapers, left to help get me up to speed on current events.

My eyes shot open on the first headline and fucking stayed that way the whole time! Our pamphlet thing has been a roaring success; the Blueblood Dossier got a bunch of crazy fuckers so whiled up that they gave themselves a name and blew up his car. It was a pony-made car, somewhat resembling a more advanced take on Ben’s first design, almost like a natural evolution of it.

It blew as soon as the key was turned- the Ponies figured out carbombing! Not only that, but there’s been a large amount of roundups and investigations in the medical fields, after one of our dossiers revealed how easy it is for doctors to… well, you get the idea.

Even Celestia came out and gave a speech- in so many words, it can be boiled down to “Have some faith, we’re working on it!”

Lots of ponies are genuinely happy to hear Celestia might be getting back to Canterlot- a small minority of ponies, however, would not like that… particularly the crazies calling themselves the Brass Shoes…

Wonder where they got that from? They were Marksists, that was for sure. At some point I’d need to get into contact with their leader to see if I can strike up a deal… in other news, massive strikes are not likely to end in Crystalia any time soon, which could cause a rise in the cost of living; since so many cheap goods were manufactured in Crystalia under appalling safety standards and shit pay, Ponies may deal with shortages of some goods, and price hikes in others.

Boo-fucking-HOO!

The best part of this whole ordeal? The massive freighter heading towards the Zebra territories was barely a footnote in any of these papers.

As soon as I was done, I made my way to the minibar- this called for a celebration!

---

“AHHH! G’EM OFF!” Anastasia shouted, squirming around and swatting at nothing atop her bed. She’d dreamt that she was buried alive in spiders, feeling them writhe and skitter and biting all over; She slowly took the time to calm down, realizing she was still in her private zeppelin bedroom.

She got out of bed carefully, as the thin walls of this ship allowed the sound to travel- so all she had to do was follow the sound of her Mamma snoring. She crept through the doorway, peering out into the dark living room.

Her Mamma was laying on the couch, leaned back in the recliner. She inched closer.

“Mamma? I had a bad dream…” she muttered… finally noticing the half drank bottle of whiskey on the side counter. She scowled, tears filling her cried-out eyes as she climbed onto the couch.

She saw her mommy do this once- when Mamma was sleeping on her back, she rolled her onto her side- “In case she threw up.” It seemed important at the time, so Anastastia repeated the behavior, assuming it was because throw up tasted icky. In reality, it was so her mother wouldn’t drown in her own vomit.

She huffed, using her whole body weight to shove her Mamma on to her side; the snoring barely hitched as she flopped loosely onto her side, a couple empty cans rolling off the side.

Anastasia scoffed, stomping back to her room and slamming the door shut, laying awake and hoping her Mamma would be okay come morning. She was a smart girl, and she knew her mother would be fine- but she couldn’t ignore that nagging feeling.

“I just want my Mamma back…” Whoever that mean-ol’ drunk in the living room was, it was not the caring mother she once knew. And as long as she drank, that’d be the case.

---

Celestia walked down the hall of her mountain villa feeling better than she had in a long, long time. While a dull ache in her joints kept her movements slow and lethargic, the pain wasn’t nearly as unmanageable as it once felt. Despite still showing some of her ribcage, her fur was nicely cleaned and trimmed, and her pink mane was washed, combed, and styled plainly; of course, the emaciated aspect of her was harder to spot when she wore a long, pink bathrobe.

The past week has given her much time to think and reflect; not only that, but much time was spent cleaning her bedroom, rearranging much of the furniture into a different layout. For example- her bed was in front of the window, so to open the curtains, she only had to reach for them. The cravings still come and go- but journaling about them has helped tremendously.

Even at night she’s been busy; suggested by Ann and heavily encouraged by her sister in that letter she’d almost forgotten about, she was participating in ANEA (Addicts to Narcotics of Equestria Anonymous) meetings!

Sort of. They take place in a shared dream, of sorts; for privacy, Celestia can change her appearance to whatever she desires, granting genuine anonymity. She chose not to participate, however- just listening to the stories of fellow drug abusers granted much insight into the nature of the Disease.

All this to say- Ann had asked her to come to the dining room, without explaining why.

“PRINCESS CELESTIA!” She heard her number one student yell as soon as the door creaked open, barreling into her chest for a hug.

“Twilight!? What-” Luna was there, along with Cadence, Spike, and Ann.

“Give her some room, Twilight!” Luna said, and the purple mare glanced away sheepishly.

“Nonsense, nonsense!” She said, wrapping her student in a hug. “Hugs are good for the spirit!” She said, her mood feeling better than it had since… she couldn’t remember when!

Twilight sniffed. “I’m… I’m glad you’re okayyyy!” Celestia broke the hug, the two moving to take their seats.

“How many days?” Ann asked, and Celestia cocked an eyebrow. “Since…” Celestia gasped, her eyes widening in realization.

“Oh, uhm… Five days. That’s it.” She shrugged… but seeing the looks of joy, pride, and relief on the faces of her closest friends?

A feeling far greater than any high.

---

The trip had been long, and Anastasia seemed to grow more and more restless as time went on. Before, she was so excited about this trip, she wouldn’t stop asking about it; now, she can’t wait to get home. I don’t blame the kid- I’m in the same boat as her with my reluctance to go back- but why’s she gotta take it out on me?

In fact, the day we arrived, she left without me! I woke up, ship docked in its hangar wondering when the fuck we arrived. The guard in the hangar told me my car was parked outside, and that my wife already picked up Anastasia.

A note on the steering wheel.

We need to talk- DT.

In other news, I’d be sleeping on the couch tonight.

It was nice- being able to drive my own car on proper fucking roads.

At the house, Mamma was sitting on the couch with Anastasia; Ma got up to give me a hug and a kiss.

“She’s in your room.” She said, leaning into my ear. “Don’t mess this up.” was her only command; I rolled my eyes.

As I let myself in, I gave my wife a casual “Hey, honey!” as I approached for a hug- but felt a hoof press against my chest. I got the message- closing the door behind me. A small dial underneath the knob controlled how soundproof it was- and I set it to max.

“Sit.” Was all she said, pointing to one of the recliner chairs, sitting across from one another. “I can smell the whiskey on your breath. When did you last have a drink?”

“Again, always with this shit!” I threw my arms out in a huff, “Big fuckin deal, there was a sip left in the bottle when I woke up. Damn me for not wanting to be wasteful!?”

Sitting directly across from me, she leveled me a glare. “Once again, you have a problem that’s hurting those around you, and you’re too fucking stupid to see it!”

I scoffed, gesturing back to me- “Oh, I’m stupid now? Stupid and fat, right!? Is that what you’re telling people!?” She shook her head, rubbing her temple.

“It’s not a lie to say you need to lose weight. Damn me for wanting to make sure you don’t die of a heart attack at forty?” Her voice was icy and level, and it made my neck feathers stand. “Damn me for not wanting to stand by while you destroy your relationship with Anastasia?” My scowl grew, tears welling in my eyes. “Damn me for not wanting my baby to grow up around a selfish drunk!?” The baby bump was barely perceptible- but it was no doubt there.

“You act like it’s not Anastasia being difficult with me that’s the fuckin’ problem here!” I yelled, and my wifes face turned to a scowl.

“You think Anastasia’s the problem?” She scoffed, looking off to the side. “If I had half a mind, I’d leave you tonight! But if only I had some sense!”

I stood up out of my chair, refusing to hear this shit anymore. “You think I won’t fucking leave YOU!?” I yelled, fist clenching unconsciously as I got up in her face. “You think I wouldn’t drag you into the woods and huck you in a shallow grave?” I was seeing red, fury and rage filling every cell in my body. “You think I wouldn’t beat your fucking ass for saying that shit!?”

I glanced at my clenched fist momentarily.

THWACK

And because I hesitated, I didn’t even see my wifes right hook until I felt it, her solid hoof connecting with my left eye. I stumbled back, rage turning to fear and confusion as my entire body reeled.

She jumped out of her chair, shoving me back on my flanks, where she used her momentum to slam me onto the floor.

“I'M SORRY!” I cried, throwing my hands out in an attempt to defend myself.

“LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO!” She screamed in my face, thrashing my shoulders to punctuate her words.

“I-I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it!” I cried for mercy and forgiveness; She jerked her hoof up, and it felt like my whole upper body flinched.

“YOU FAT FUCKING SKANK, LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME FUCKING DO!”

“PLEASE! I’D NEVER-” I paused mid sentence, a sob catching the words in my throat. “I-I’d never leave you! I’m sorryyyy!” hot tears poured down my face, my nose running- when I noticed she was crying, too- but she had a scowl on her face.

“Whatcha made me doooo…” She muttered to herself, breathing heavily. “Why did you make me need to do that?”

“I-I don’t know, I-” I stuttered out, and she scowled.

“Why do you make me so fucking upset, that you made me do the one thing I promised I’d never do?” I was burning with shame and guilt, hating how much of a piece of shit I was. “My dad would hit my mother, then my mother would take her frustration out on me.” Her voice was flat and icy, and I felt terrified. “You’re not gonna vent this on Anastasia, are you?” Her grip tightened, and I shook my head fiercely.

“Ne-never! No! I-I’d never hurt my baby!” I cried, squeezing my eyes shut to avoid her gaze. “I-I’ll quit! I’ll quit, for good this time!”

“Look at me.” I forced my eyes open to meet her gaze above me. “Don’t move.” I stood petrified to the ground, shaking as I lay staring at the ceiling.

She finally appeared in my field of view, a sawn-off lupara in her grip; it had a round foregrip near the front, and the trigger guard sawn off so she could shoot it. She broke it open-

Thunk. Thunk. Clack.

Loaded two shells in and snapped it shut.

“Swear on your life.” I shook harder than I ever have before as two ice-cold barrels were pressed into my neck. “SWEAR ON YOUR FUCKING LIFE! If you don’t quit, so help me, I will blow your fucking head off. They’ll never find you- never know-”

“I SWEAR!” I shouted, flinching as the gun was pressed harder. “I SWEAR ON MY LIFE! I’LL QUIT! I’LL QUIT!” The pressure was released, the shotgun set gently off to the side.

She wrapped her arms around me, face gently leaning into my chest.

“Thank you. I love you with all my heart, baby… I hate having to hurt you like this…” She choked back a sob, and I pet her mane.

“I-I love you too. I’m sorry. I-I’m so… so fucking sorry…” I mumbled between my own sobs.

Soon it had died down to mere whimpering… that’s when I realized just how… turned on I was.

“Honeeeyyy…” I muttered, red blush spreading across my face. “Are you-?” She glanced up, her cheeks being beet red as well.

“Yes.” She said abruptly. That’s all it took for clothes to start flying and biting to start.

---

Later that night, I was in my bathrobe dumping my last bottle of booze out into the sink. My eye was still considerably swollen from the accident, but I explained it off as “I tripped and fell into the corner of the bed frame because I was drunk.”

“Mamma? Are you drinking again?” Anastasia asked, walking into the kitchen. I just moved to the side so she could see the empty bottle draining into the sink.

The massive smile that grew on her face looked wonderful, and she ran to my side. I threw a wing around her back.

“I’m sorry, Anastasia. I haven’t been-”

“It’s alright, Mamma!” She hugged arm, “I forgive you!” I ruffled her feathers and kissed her forehead.

“Well, I’m down here. You want somethin’ to eat?” I asked, grabbing a bottle of cola out of the fridge. “Open this for me, wouldya?”

“Can I have a grilled cheese?” She asked, using her bottle opener to pop the cap for me. I nodded, patting on the nearby stool to tell her to take a seat.

“Sure thing, baby.” I got the pan and set it on the stove, getting the bread, cheese, and butter out. A pinch of garlic salt, and that’s how I made my grilled cheeses.

Don’t like it? Get outta my kitchen.

“Mamma?” Anastasia asked as I waited for the pan to heat up. “Did Mommy hit you?” A chill went up my spine when she asked that. “It just looks like you got punched in the face! I asked Gramma about it, and she almost grounded me!”

I forced myself to chuckle. “Anastasia, why would your mommy hit me?” She just shrugged, glancing off to the side.

“I-it’s just… if she ever hurt you-” She started, and I put a hand to her shoulder, giving her a disarming smile.

“Your mommy would never hit me. Don’t ever think that.”

What she wouldn’t find out wouldn’t hurt her, I suppose.

An Acquired Taste

View Online

This past week has been… well, it fucking sucked. Ever since I quit drinking, it’s like all the things I used to enjoy induced an anxiety I couldn’t run away from; for fucks sakes, I can’t even sit by the pool anymore without that sense of… terrible-ness. The best thing I’ve been able to do is to just keep focusing on my work and my nation… but it’s been so fucking exhausting!

“Glimmer… are you sure you wanna do that?” This afternoon, I found myself in my office, taking part in a meeting between Glimmer and I. “I mean, power to you, but-”

“I need to… sorry, didn’t mean to interrupt!” I waved her interrupting off, unable to be bothered. “It’s… it’s personal. He… Gosh, this is terrible… but… he insulted my wife on a couple… more than a couple occasions, and…” She looked away ashamed- but I just smirked.

“So he insulted your wife's honor, is what you’re telling me?” That’s how I viewed it, anyway. “By extension, he insulted your honor. Fuck him.” Glimmer cocked an eyebrow, huffing in amusement.

“Honor? I think that’s the first time I’ve ever heard you say that word!” But I just shrugged with a grin.

“My sense of honor is a bit different from the classical pony definition. Among other tenets, I hold the contract of marriage in high regard. Anyone who insults my wife insults me, and taking care of that prick is… well, it’s the right thing to do!” I explained with a shrug. “Bottom line is, make sure to let that bastard know he fucked up. Fin will be there, too- she’s a professional, trust me.” I said with a grin, standing and leaning over my desk with my hand out.

After a brief hesitation- Glimmer gave me a dark grin and shook my hand.

I slapped her on the shoulder playfully. “Now get outta here! You’re on the clock, starting now!” We both shared a laugh, heading towards the door. I held the door for her, and she paused when she turned the corner.

“Leona?” She said, getting my attention. “Thank you.” I nodded with a proud smile. After that Fin told me what she could’ve been capable of, I was confident she wouldn’t get cold feet.

On my way to my room, I was gonna say goodbye to my wife; she and Silver Spoon had planned to spend tonight together for the past week or so, just hanging out together and relaxing.

“You gonna be heading out soon?” I asked her, beholding her adjusting her hair in the mirror. She looked at me with a smile.

“I was just waiting to say goodbye!” She approached me, and I wrapped my arms around her in a gentle kiss.

I saw her hooves jerk and flinched; she threw her front hooves around the back of my neck and pulled my face in, forcing her tongue into my beak for a much sloppier kiss. A thin line of drool connected our chins, my wife giggling adorably as I forced a chuckle.

“There, I said it!” She said with a snort. “Goodbyyyeee, honey!” She kissed my cheek once more, hips swaying when she turned to exit the bedroom.

“Love you, honey!” I said, and she responded-

“Love youuuu!” Blowing a kiss my way.

And so, I was alone... Mamma was out on the town with some friends; Tonio had the night off; I don’t really hang out with Trixie that often; and I was fairly certain Anastasia had left to visit a friend.

I hopped onto the bed with a sigh, staring up at the ceiling.

Mew!

Corleone jumped up and meowed, purring and begging for attention. So, I lazily scratched behind her ear… still staring at the ceiling.

I sighed again, wishing I had a drink. I was… alone.

I sighed with a groan, rolling out of bed after… I wasn’t sure how long I was laying there. Couldn’t have been long, though. I found myself making my way back towards my office, black thoughts filling my mind as I shut the door behind me. I then jumped on the chair, opening one of the drawers and pressing a button inside, revealing a false panel.

It was a pint bottle of whiskey; the cork made a beautiful sound as I yanked it out, the caramel-colored fluid within shining beautifully in the afternoon sunlight.

“Fuck it. No-one’s home to see me fuck up.” I took a swig, savoring the burn as-

Knock, Knock, Knock.

“Who the fu-!?” I groaned as I closed the bottle and set it in the drawer, slamming it shut. I fiddled with the soundproofing enchantment dial on my desk- “Who is it?”

“Mamma, let me in!” I heard Anastasia through my door, making me blink in confusion.

I opened the door and said- “Wha- when did you get back?” I asked, and she let herself in; I rolled my eyes as I shut the door.

“Mommy wanted me to stay here so you wouldn’t be left alone!” She was enthused, and I pulled her in for a hug… annoyed as I was. I took a seat at my desk, pretending I was getting back to paperwo- “Why does your breath smell like whiskey?” She asked, and my eyes shot open.

“How the fu-!” I outraged, throwing my arms out. “How the fuck is that even possible!? I only had a sip!”

Anastasia… gave me an odd look. “I didn’t smell any whiskey- but I did get you to confess.”

I blinked twice. “I…” I held my head in my hands. “I… I actually fell for that…” OLDEST FUCKING TRICK IN THE BOOK! WHAT THE FUCK!

“You promised, Mamma!” Anastasia yelled, tears in her eyes. “You promised me you’d stop drinking!” I just held my arms out in a half-shrug.

“I-It’s been a week!” I defended, feeling a mix of anger, shame, and embarrassment at getting caught.

“When we were on that airship and I had a really bad dream, you were too drunk to wake up!” She cried, and I pulled her in for a hu- she shoved me back. “You were in that bad dream!” I blinked in confusion, feeling just… overwhelmed with emotions.

“I… I was?” I squeaked out, and my baby nodded her head.

“I dreamt we were in our balloon, and the ocean was fulla spiders!” Tears poured down her face as she vented to me. “You were drunk, and-and… you… you…” She shuddered as she spoke, almost like the dream was too terrifying to remember. She whispered, barely perceptible. “You let me fall…” She sniffed heavily, “Because you were too busy drinking!”

I leaned back in my chair, feeling numb. I… I was the monster in her nightmare?

“Please, Mamma… I just want you to love me agaaaiiiinn!” She just stood in her chair, facing down and crying her eyes out. “I-I just want to spend time with you! I can’t do that when you’re drinking, Mamma!”

Internally, I felt numb. I looked back to the drawer on my desk, haphazardly slammed shut.

“I-I’ll run away! You’ll never see me again!” She yelled between tears with a shaky breath. “And-And I’ll find a new mamma! A better one!”

My shaky hand pulled the drawer open, pulling the pint bottle out slowly.

“Y-You used to be cool, Mamma!”

Crash!

I threw the bottle at the wall, watching it shatter and drench my wall in whiskey; I scooped Anastasia up in my grasp before she could even react, letting her cry into my chest while I wailed and bawled my eyes out.

Jesus Christ. What have I done? Why did I do this to myself? My baby… I am so, so sorry.

---

The morning sun rose in the east, and the night chill of the Umugqa desert slowly faded; a long caravan of zebras pulled sleds full of goods along the “road” of compacted sand, formed by the thousands of zebras which trod this path in generations before. The ones not pulling the carts bore a crossbow, a dagger, and a large shield they sling over their shoulder; It had a small spike on the bottom used to stake it into the sand. The other zebras, tasked with pulling sleds, wore light robes which protected them from baking daytime sun.

There were two odd-ones out among the group, being the Ambassadors from Griffonia; One was a unicorn wearing an off-white overcoat, stained with sand, and a cream felt hat on his head with a pair of goggles around his neck. The other was a zebra-griffon halfling, wearing the traditional black robes of a desert caravaneer and a shotgun, slung along his side. It was a shortened pump action, able to hold four shots and with a folding foregrip and cut-off stock.

They followed the road going along one of the rivers, being able to see their destination on the horizon; Irem, the City of Pillars, stood defiantly as one of the main bastions of desert Zebra civilization. The Pillars were actually 5 natural buttes surrounding the city’s perimeter, each connected in a pentagon of baked brick walls that provided shade and protection. The two great rivers that cut through the desert, called the Allegahela and the Monongheny, carved their way around the perimeter of the city and combined somewhere behind it, the Oiho river; in so many words, to attack the city, you gotta go through the front. But aside from that, swaths of farmland surrounded outside the rivers, growing all sorts of beans, peas, lentils… eh, you get the point.

“You know, in retrospect…” Emmie spoke up, getting Sinan’s attention. He gave him a sly grin- “Maybe it’s for the best Leona didn’t follow on this journey.” He used a handkerchief to wipe sweat off his forehead. “They’d have to clear off a sled to cart her back home after a heart attack.”

The two ambassadors shared a chuckle.

“Even during the war, when we were all at the peak of our fitness- she’d complain constantly about all the walking.” Sinan gave a half-hearted laugh. Emmie forced a chuckle to fill the silence- but something was bothering Sinan. “Is… You’ve known Leona for much longer than I have. Is everything alright with her?”

Emmie bit his lip, glancing off to the side. “She’s… she’s always been a problem drinker, as far as I’m aware. In fact, a couple years before that war, it almost killed her- so she was totally sober for a while.” Sinan’s eyes widened in surprise. “She never told you? That explains it.”

“No shit?” He said incredulously. “Fuck, I never meant to encourage her- I thought we were just having fun.” Emmie just shrugged.

“If you hadn’t started first, then she would’ve. Excuses are just convenience for an alcoholic- anything to justify getting drunk in the middle of the day.” To say he was intimately familiar with this cycle would be an understatement. “You know, she’s what inspired me to quit drinking myself?” Sinan cocked an eyebrow. “I won’t give you my life's story. But just as I broke the cycle of alcoholism in my family, I think Leona could do the same; she just needs some help, is all.”

“Leona is a good friend to me.” Sinan mused. “I should probably cut back a little too, if I’m to be honest with myself here.” They both locked eyes and nodded, each sporting a grin. Emmie slapped his back.

“So… Any plans for when you get home?” He said with a sly grin. “Because the first thing I’m gonna do is get railed over the couch by my wonderful soon-to-be husband. You?”

Sinan gave him a smug look. “My harem awaits me eagerly.” By ‘Harem’ he meant his girlfriends; it was less of a harem, more of an open relationship. “Have you ever had three mouths on it at once?” He gestured back, and Emmie gave him an impressed grin.

“Impressive… What about two working the balls… One eating me out from behind… all the while I’m plowing some twink?” He had a smug grin on his face; Sinan nodded, knowing he’d been one-upped there.

“So, I’m curious- bi or gay?” Sinan asked with a smirk. Emmie just chuckled.

“Gay all the way, honey!” He flicked his hoof daintily, accentuating his accent to make it sound fruitier than normal. “Tried it with a mare once- but I can’t stand the smell of fish.” The two shared a hearty laugh-

“Did you know you can tell when Leona eats her wife out?” Sinan spoke- “She always orders the fish dinner afterwards!” More laughter echoed across the desert as the two Ambassadors made their approach.

An hour later, there it was: Irem, the City of Pillars. Trees, grass, and other shrubbery grew haphazardly around the city’s perimeter; the river provided many of the things plants craved, and the plants out here seemingly vied for dominance over one another. A faint smell of rot clung outside the walls as the younger flora seemingly choked the life out of older flora: The older plants rotted away into the loose topsoil, allowing the younger plants to grow and take their place in the cycle.

Inside the city walls, grass and flowers grew in abundance thanks to the system of irrigation trenches, criss-crossing the city in a grid-like pattern. The main avenues had date palms planted going down the middle; each one had a metal basin near the base, so the fruit can be collected when they fall. The roads weren’t that wide, either: being on average ten-feet wide, they were flanked by two to three story buildings with flat tops.

They were made of mud bricks and made smooth with a sort of mud-plaster; their natural reddish-orange color only barely poked through the cracks of the beautiful murals and patterns painted on their sides. Many of them were painted with stripes of vibrant paints, each building patterned uniquely with shapes and swirls, seemingly for the sake of looking pretty. Some of them had murals depicting ancient zebra heroes, hieroglyphs surrounding their mural telling their (definitely not embellished) stories. One wall appeared to have a long tunnel opening up into it; but a closer inspection revealed it to simply be a painted wall. Allegedly, this is to stop the desert Coyotes. They’re quite wiley… or so they say.

The buildings themselves are crafted beautifully, too: Rather than flat walls all around, many buildings contained second story balconies with smooth pillar railings, as well as external stairs leading to the roof and upper floors. The roofs are where the peasant class slept at night, being farmers and laborers; apparently it’s not too bad, considering the lack of rain or anything. Many of their so-called “middle class” merchants and the like slept inside these houses.

As for the rich? In the center of the city was a short, stubby butte- almost looking like a miniature mesa. The area surrounding this butte was covered in well-maintained gardens and large mansions of baked bricks, coated in mud plaster for smoothness… but that wasn’t the most impressive part of this butte.

A straight staircase led to the top, a little over forty feet above and flanked by braziers which burned at night. Surmounting the great structure was the Zeburrat of Irem; a square pyramid consisting of three tiers of terraces, culminating in the main building on top, where the Shah and his family lived. That’s who Sinan and Emmie came all this way to meet.

The throne room had large glassless windows flanking either side; the Shah sat on his wide pillowy throne, surrounded by zebra mares wearing silk gowns and covered in brass jewelry, fanning him off and feeding him dates from a bowl. His white silk robes were clean and soft, untouched by the desert sand; his crown was made of woven reeds and open on the top, so his hair was tied in a ponytail and draped behind him.

The desert was full of smaller city states under the control of Irem. Then there were the nomads that traveled from place to place, wherever the wind took them. And this guy in front of Sinan and Emmie guaranteed the independence of all of them.

‘In exchange for permission to drill within your lands, your people will be provided with better roads, medicine, and-” Sinan was in the middle of his sales pitch to the Shah… until he was interrupted.

“Noh!” The Shah blurted out, accented strangely, sharing a giggle with his mares. Emmie, able to understand the zebra language, blinked in confusion; Sinan was also more than a little caught off guard.

‘Then… something else, perhaps? As the world leaders in manufacturing and development, we-’

“Noh!” Sinan couldn’t help but to sigh in frustration.

‘So this is it? No compromise, just stupid fucking jokes?’ he said, feeling more than a little pissed off.

“Yeh!” was all he had to say in the matter. The Shah waved them off with his hoof, wordlessly telling them to go away.

So, the two Ambassadors walked down the flights of steps dejectedly.

“Well, in the interests of avoiding bloodshed, I supposed we tried our best.” Emmie mused aloud. Sinan nodded.

“Whether or not some inbred degenerate gives us permission, we’re still getting that oil. The question is, how willing will they be to fight and bleed for it?” Sinan asked, smirking rhetorically.

Mind’s Eye just gave him a wide, dark grin.

Behind the city, in the much wider and deeper Oiho river, a Griffon steamship paddled down the river, the flag of the Syndicate waving high above. Unlike the river they walked along before, they’d be much less susceptible to attack on that river due to the width.

It’d follow the coast north for a bit to restock on coal before heading west, all the way back home.

---

Chancellor Neighsay left that educators convention in a huff; it was a yearly event in Griffonia where educators would speak about their experience with their new system so far, exchanging anecdotes, thoughts, and other such compromises to further improve the system.

“Driver! Take me back to my hotel room. I’ve heard quite enough!” He demanded the driver of the four-door cab, sitting in the front seat. She looked over at him with a nod, adjusting the flat cap atop her head before starting the car and driving off. It was barely past 10 pm- the moon shining high in the sky.

“And this is the respect you give to a foreign ambassador?” He snarled.

“No, sir. I apologize.” She said to him with a sly grin; he grumbled in annoyance.

“I can’t believe Twilight demanded I waste my time with this nonsense.” He said with a huff. “Can you believe they don’t follow textbooks here? They think showing kids a bunch of pretty pictures will make them learn anything!” He ranted, the driver simply focusing on the road.

“That’s nuts.” She said, and the Chancellor nodded.

“Indeed, though I wouldn’t use such crass terminology. Subjects like history- they aren’t a movie to watch! It’s a linear series of events, meant to be memorized and studied! Properly studied, not comparing the past to the absolute clownish events of today!” He scoffed in absolute disgust.

“Tradition is tradition, after all.” She said plainly, turning off the main city road.

“Exactly! Tradition is meant to be followed and respected!” He said with a huff. “Kids these days have no respect for their betters, and it shows! Poor Blueblood, he was murdered in broad daylight! Those Brass Shoes, or whatever they're called- I hope Celestia herself returns to deal with them!”

He stopped his rant to take a deep breath as the car came to a halt. “How much longer? This headrest is making my neck sore.” The driver cut the engine, and that’s when he realized- the alley they were down only had one way out.

“Hello, Neighsay. Trixie says hello.” Glimmer’s voice whispered behind him, sending a chill down his spine. She was waiting there the whole time, laying on the back seat covered in a black blanket.

“I do- Hrk!”

An icepick was jammed into the back of his neck, the perpetrator using her arm to hold his head back. He flailed uselessly and briefly- before going slack altogether, an unsightly bloodstain running down the leather seats. His jaw flopped open, leaking blood while his eyes remained wide open in an expression of shock.

“Thought he’d never shut the fuck up.” the disguised Fin said, rolling down the window before tossing the ridiculous hat out and lighting a cigarette. “You did good.”

Glimmer sat in the backseat, panting as though she were trying to catch her breath. “I-I’m g-goo-good!” he stuttered out, holding a slightly bloodstained hoof to her pounding heart.

Fin took a deep drag of her cigarette, blowing it out the window. “It gets easier the more you do, believe me.” She mused.

“Gimme one of those.” Glimmer demanded, Fin wordlessly presenting the pack to her. She snatched one up greedily, using her magic to light it and inhaling heartily; the first puff was let out with a shaky breath, Glimmer leaning back with a sigh.

Much more calmly, she opened her back window to take a much smoother drag, savoring the taste of the cigarette; her first one in ten years.

“Wanna stop at a gas station after we chop him up? I gotta get more smokes.” Fin asked, and Glimmer nodded, thinking it was a fantastic idea.

“Hey there!” The two heard someone yell from behind them, causing their neck hairs/feathers to stand up straight. “You still runnin’ tonight?” He asked, thinking they were just a regular cabbie.

“FUCK OFF!”
“FUCK OFF!”

The two yelled in unison, the stranger getting the hint; the absurdity of the situation, combined with the adrenaline… Made Glimmer laugh.

---

On Silver Spoon’s private balcony, the sounds of bubbling could be heard periodically; followed by coughing, giggling, and a euphoric feeling not long after.

“I… I never understood how Leona could stand blunts… or cigarettes, for that matter.” Silvie mused to herself. Dee, sitting next to her on the swinging double-chair, just snorted; Silver began repacking her bong.

“Ya’ gotta do what ya’ gotta!” She might have had a bit of a second-hand buzz, but that was it. “I remember back in high school, she kept our weed supplies in a metal box, hidden in the closet.” She took a sip from a glass of orange juice. “At one point, she put a layer of newspaper over the weed and a couple dildos over top, just for the off-chance her mother got too nosey.”

Silver blinked, the bridge of her nose scrunched up in thought. “Where in Ponyvi- Silicon Valley.” She said in sudden remembrance. “She was in… what, senior year when we were still in 9th? Gosh, we were barely teens then!” She couldn’t help but laugh at the crazy shit they got away with in a small town.

“Ol’ Silly Val! She was using the money she earned at Bargain’s to buy rubber off the zebras, I remember!” Dee giggled as Silver started sparking the bong. “Normally, they would’ve cost a bunch… but when I told her it was for hiding our weed, she gave me half off!”

Dee laughed aloud as Silver giggled and lit up. The flick of a lighter. Bubbling. Coughing. Giggling, once more!

“Isn’t her company headquartered in Griffonia now?” Silver asked, and Dee wiggled her eyebrows.

“Wild Manticore does make some… quality products, Leona and I’ve found… Er, Wild Manticore is her company!” Dee corrected herself. “Because like, why would anyone name a sex toy company after themselves?”

Another round of laughter and much banter later, the two leaned back into the chair contentedly, staring at the bright moon.

Silver Spoon yawned deeply, Dee following not long after.

“This view is fuckin’ beautiful.” Dee mused, Silver half-asleep next to her. She forced a yawn, stretching her arms over the back of the chair. “Just like the absolute cutie sitting next to me,” Silver hummed, a faint smile on her face as Dee’s hoof wrapped around her back. “Just shut your eyes and relax- you need your beauty sleep.”

The mare slowly leaned over, Dee gently guiding her head into her lap. She caressed her mane and side softly as she dozed off in her lap.

If she closed her right eye and held her hoof in the right place, everything below Silver’s neck would be out of her line of sight- and she couldn’t help but feel aroused. She couldn’t help but imagine that head ending in a bleeding stump. What if the head were still alive? What if she could make the severed head eat her out?

Dee let out a shudder as she imagined the possibilities running through her sadistic brain.

One thing was for certain- having Truffle’s moved to a night shift was a great idea on her part.

---

An engine could be heard, rumbling down a dirt road late at night; Not a taxi, but a Ben’s two-seater, rounded towards the back with a trunk that wasn’t just a box nailed to the back. The passenger snored obnoxiously, the driver having a weary, dream-like look on her face. There was a third passenger as well- or, part of a third passenger, resting in the trunk.

The car parked in a clearing, the engine shutting off; the driver woke her passenger up by gently hitting her arm.

“Snnrrrrk- Huh?” She surveyed her surroundings, trying to remember what she was doing.

“We’re here. Come on- almost done.” Fin was already out of the car while Glimmer’s mind was still reeling.

“Oh, uh. Okay.” She popped the door open, stumbling slightly in the dark.

“I thought I told you to sleep during the day?” Fin asked, grabbing one side of a large plastic bag, wrapped in chains and weights. His head was already buried in a separate location, so even if it got found, the search for the rest of the body… and proof… would be a fool's errand.

“Too anxious.” She muttered, her telekinesis holding the other end of the body. There was a cliff overlooking the eastern ocean- and in the distance, the two could see the sun just barely poking over the horizon.

“But not anymore?” Fin asked, trying to giggle but just huffing from the exertion. Glimmer shook her head, her magic straining under the weights.

They looked over the cliffside, watching the waves crash into the craggy cliff-shore below.

“On three!” Fin said, swinging the stiff backwards. “One!” They used the momentum to keep their swing going. “Two!” She grunted, preparing for one more swing. “Three!”

The bag was let go, sent tumbling over the edge.

“Oh shit!” Fin stumbled, almost tripping off the ledge- but Glimmer caught her in her magic.

“I gotcha!” She said, and Fin breathed a heavy sigh of relief.

“Thanks!” She said; being a griffon, she could’ve just corrected herself mid-air and flown… but have you ever tripped off a cliff before? Wings or no, it’s still scary! “Oof, that’ll wake ya’!” She pulled Glimmer in for a quick hug as the sun rose slowly off the horizon.

“What now?” Glimmer asked and lit a cigarette, the two making their way back to the car.

“I’ll navigate if you drive.” Fin suggested, already getting in the passenger's seat with a yawn. “I’m gonna take a nap when we get to the highway.” Glimmer nodded.

“I can do that.” She said, getting in and buckling her seatbelt… She looked at the dashboard and gauges in front of her strangely. “How do I start it again?”

---

In her luxury apartment in Manehattan, Sweetie Belle carried a few suitcases in her magic, setting them in various corners of the place. The morning sunlight beamed into the apartment, shining on her trophy wall- A framed photo of her as Bella Donna, her stage name, was surrounded by golden records, all above a large stereo system. She made her name by combining the lyrical themes of Equestrian Blues and mixing them with Griffonian Rockabilly.

The cheery pop-tunes of old just didn’t meld well with the current underlying sense of unease and instability; their bland optimism did nothing to dispel the dark cloud over the Equestrian subconscious. As a result, Sweetie had legions of depressed ghost-writers to do the prose for her while she counted the stacks she made off ‘em.

One particular suitcase, however, came from a different sucker. She popped it open on her bed, nodding as she once again beheld her winnings from the Executive Game.

“That doctor didn’t see it coming!” she giggled to herself, wondering how much debt he wound up owing to the house. It was like he never figured out when to quit! But little did she realize, that doctor going broke was exactly what Leona was hoping for. “Sucks to be him, though.”

Knock, Knock, Knock.

Sweetie Belle blinked, wondering who could be at the door this early? She was quite tired from the journey, but was cognizant enough to stuff the suitcase under her bed. She undid the latch, opening the door.

“We have a warrant for your arrest, under the suspicion of colluding with foreign entities.”

---

“Not good, not good, not good!” Twilight muttered to herself, cantering down the hallways of Canterlot castle. “Princess Luna!” She yelled, letting herself into the Princesses office.

She didn’t even look up from the crossword puzzle she was doing, sipping her mid-afternoon coffee like nothing was going on.

“Yes, Twilight?” She said, not even looking up.

“Chancellor Neighsay is missing!” As soon as she said that, Luna’s head shot up.

“Neighsay is missing? Did he go missing in Griffonia?” She asked, setting her pen down.

Twilight nodded- “Yeah, last seen leaving the convention!” She sat down at the chair across from Luna, ready to hear her plan of action!

“Chancellor Neighsay… I can’t believe it…” She muttered, steepling her hooves. She smirked. “I can’t believe that actually worked!” Twilight was… confused, to say the least.

“I don’t-” But Luna interrupted.

“He was always at odds with Starlight… and now she’s under the protection of Leona.” Luna pieced together casually. “And Leona has been known to do… favors of this sort, for her friends. Therefore, if Leona ordered Neighsay killed, it was likely on Glimmer’s behalf. There’ll be some phony investigation with no conclusive evidence, I’m sure of it.” Luna nodded in approval, glad to have her suspicion more-or-less confirmed. But then again- words can be misinterpreted through the grapevine.

“So, what’re we gonna do now?” Twilight asked, annoyed that Leona once again got one over her. They had to do something about her, she knew it.

“Find somepony more suitable to fill Neighsay’s position.” Luna said, returning to her crossword and taking a sip of coffee. “Maybe somepony a little more… forward thinking? From what I’ve heard, the Griffon’s educa-”

“Wait, WHAT!?” Twilight raised her voice- “We can’t-!” Luna looked up at her with an intense glare, and she shrunk back into her seat.

“Find somepony more suitable to fill Neighsay’s position.” She reiterated with a glare. “This silly game of good versus bad has done nothing but continually allow Equestria to destabilize!” She ranted- Twilight opened her mouth for rebuttal, but she continued- “Think about it- now that he’s gone, we can replace his position without the rest of the nobility turning their swords on us! Er, metaphorically, anyway.” To Twilight, Luna’s justification was… sound.

“But… But what about being good? About doing the right thing! A man died, and you think it’s because he insulted Trixie? Even if that’s the case, it’s not right!” Once again, Luna gave her a flat look.

“You have your orders, Twilight. Acts of good are not always wise- acts of evil aren’t always foolish. We strive to be good- but right now, stability is my aim.” Luna shrugged, resuming her crossword with nary a word.

“But… but who should I put in his position?” She asked nervously.

Luna just took a sip of her coffee. She’s a big filly. She can figure it out on her own. But I swear- whatever my sister saw in her, I don’t see it.

---

At two PM, Glimmer finally made it back to Leona’s compound. She’d dropped off Fin, who allowed Glimmer to use her shower, and even let her borrow the car she’d been driving to get back to the compound.

“I’ve got more.” Was all she said on the matter. Worked for Glimmer, though.

Around the otherside of the house, she found Leona tossing a ball with Anastasia, panting and out of breath with a massive smile on her face; but most unusual (for her) was the fact that Leona hadn’t bothered putting her usual clothes on. Glimmer bit her lip to keep from smirking as she saw Leona attempt to jump and catch it, only for her wooden leg to slip and throw her off balance.

“Fuckin thing!” She heard her yell, jerking the straps on her leg undone and tossing it off to the side.

“Hey, Leona?” Glimmer yelled, really wanting to go back inside. “I’ll skip the preamble. I got that thing done for you!” Leona, panting like she was out of air, flashed her a thumbs up.

“We’ll talk in a bit!” She said, looking back to Anastasia with a focused look. Using her tail as a counterbalance, she broke into a full-tilt sprint, almost exactly mimicking a three-legged cat. “Gonna getcha!” She yelled, Anastasia laughing merrily as she ran.

“YOU CAN’T CATCH ME, MAMMA!” she yelled in response. Glimmer made her way back inside, passing Diamond Tiara as she made her way out, sporting sunglasses and a bathrobe.

The inside of the house was cool and air-conditioned; and from the kitchen, several fragrant aromas told her that Amelia was cooking something… but something else superseded her appetite.

Upstairs and outside her bedroom, her magic slammed the key into the lock.

“TRIXIEEE!” She yelled… her wife was on the bed, legs spread with a massive blush on her cheeks.

“KNOCK PLEASE!” She yelled, grabbing her hat and covering her member on instinct.

Glimmer used a hoof to kick the door shut, her magic locking it. She cantered towards her wife as she sighed in relief.

“Ohh, goodness, Starlight! You almost gave me a he-hrrrm!?” Trixie was interrupted as Glimmer tossed Trixie’s hat off to the side; her hooves wrapped around her beautiful wife’s shoulders, Starlight’s tongue trying to make its way in.

After a few moments of surprise, Trixie gladly opened her mouth. She allowed herself to lean back, Glimmer pinning her down to the bed. She started moving in a forward and back motion, feeling something wet rubbing against her underside.

Glimmer relished her wifes adorable squeaking and moaning. It made her feel powerful, having dominion over another’s body. It made her feel even more powerful when she had dominion over another pony’s life.

“Wha- what’s gotten into youuuu?” Trixie, who typically was on top… enjoyed the change of pace.

“Whatever do you mean, darling?” She asked with an airy voice. “I haven’t changed!” She reassured her wife, diving into her wife's neck to leave hickeys under her fur. “Not a bit!” She mumbled into her lover's neck, hoping this would never end.

---

Later that evening, Dee met with Anastasia alone in her bedroom.

“I want you to tell me the truth, alright?” She said to Anastasia, sitting on the end of her bed.

“Of course, Mommy!” She said, already tucked in bed.

“Did your Mamma have anything to drink while I was gone?” Anastasia looked her in the eyes.

“Nope! Nothing at all!” Dee had a look of relief on her face; she leaned down and kissed Anastasia on the forehead.

“Say goodnight to your sister?” She asked, pointing to the small bump on her belly.

“Good night, sis’!” She waved to Dee’s belly before looking up to her mommy. “Good night, Mommy! Is Mamma gonna say goodnight?” Dee just smiled.

“Of course she is, honey.”

---

Leona shut Anastasia’s door behind her. She wordlessly approached the bed where her daughter sat up, pulling her in for a hug.

“Thank you, baby…” The great relief in her voice was lost on little Anastasia. “Thank you so much.”

“Of course, Mamma. I love youuu!” Leona squeezed her tight, knowing that at least Anastasia wouldn’t hit her.

“I love you too, honey. I’ll never let anything bad happen to you.” Anastasia didn’t need to hear that promise, though; she knew her Mamma would always be there for her. “Forever and always.” She said.

Point Of Know Return

View Online

Twilight paced her office nervously, feeling like she was burning with anxiety. Opening the window let a cool mid-afternoon breeze waft in; she poured herself another shot of vodka and slammed it back greedily before lighting a cigarette.

A note sat face up on her desk: Hello, Twilight. We need to talk. And you’d better hope for the sake of our friendship that nothing happens to Sweetie Belle before I get there. I’ll meet you in your office, don’t you worry.- Rarity.

She was worrying. She was worrying a lot.

Knock, Knock, Knock!

“Come in.” Twilight said, setting her smoke in an ashtray and the bottle in a drawer.

“Twilight Sparkle!” She heard Rarity before she opened the door- and were it not for her decorum training, her eyes would’ve shot open when she saw her; the last time she saw Rarity was during her dear friend’s wedding.

Sweet Celestia, she let herself go! While they kept in contact with letters, telegrams, and through phone calls… She hadn’t seen her in person in a while.

She slammed her front hooves into Twilight’s desktop, almost climbing over it in anger… not that that was a possibility, given her current… shape.

“Why is Sweetie Belle in JAIL!?” She yelled- so close, Twilight could smell her perfume. “Tell me, Twilight! Why is my baby sister IN JAIL!?” She punctuated her sentence by slamming her hoof down twice like a gavel.

“Look, I had nothing to do with it! Her arrest was a mistake, and-” She started, but Rarity interrupted her.

“MISTAKE!?” She outraged, “She’s not an enemy of the state! She doesn’t hate the princesses like those that deserved to get arrested! SHE IS MY SISTER!” Rarity stood there with a glare, breathing heavily over the silence of the room.

She huffed, turning her nose up and turning around. “Twilight, I’m sorry to say- I cannot call you a friend while my sister is locked away in some camp. Not even a casual acquaintance!”

She yelled dramatically before slamming the door behind her.

Twilight used her magic to reach for her phone, fiddling with the rotary dial.

“This is Gallus, talk to me.”

“Let Sweetie Belle go. Now.” Was her only command.

“Wh-WHAT!?” She heard him yell into the phone, causing her to pull it away from her ear. “No way! That’d totally undermine everything we’re working for here!”

“You have your orders, Gallus.” She mimicked Luna- but her voice and tone wasn’t nearly as intimidating as Luna’s.

“Fine. Fine! But how are the ponies already in the re-education centers gonna feel, when they find out that being famous is the ticket out?!”

Twilight hung up the phone.

Her breath shuddered, hitching in her throat. She felt hot tears filling her eyes, so she once again grabbed the bottle; she breathed out so it wouldn’t taste as bad before taking a few good gulps. She yanked the bottle out of her mouth and breathed in- the awful taste of the liquor lingered in her mouth and nose, and she covered her mouth to suppress a gag before bursting into tears.

On the wall next to the door was a framed picture of Celestia, posing for a bust-shot with that warm gentle smile from so long ago.

“I’m sorry…” She said, lowering her head to cry into her own arms. All the terrible stuff around her was happening because of her own refusal to stray from the rules; these rules were written long ago, in a time when Equestria was still unstable. It’s foolish to assume the same laws and guidelines written to control the populace a thousand years ago would work on a modern, enlightened population; but they were written by Celestia.

This was like the Sombra fiasco all over again- she followed all the rules, and she still didn’t know what was going wrong.

“You know what? Darn the rules!” Twilight thought to herself, cheeks wet with tears. In one of her desk drawers was a stash of napkins and silverware… because who doesn’t have one of those either in their work desk or in their car? You never know!

She grabbed a quill and popped the inkwell before taking another swig of vodka.

Jotting notes on a napkin, she wrote exactly-

votign ideas!
one for crown
one for … pompus fuckers! (She couldn’t remember how to spell Aristocracy, in the moment.)
one for the commoners
each gets representives voted to cast vote, each class has equal!

Whatever that truly meant, she’d decipher it in the morning.

---

“HOLY FUCK! AH-HAHAHAHAAAAA!”

Upon hearing that the reforms Twilight would be implementing, I couldn’t help but clutch my sides in agony as they fucked-off into orbit.

“SHE- SHE-AHAHAHAAAAAAAhhhhh-” I wheezed, Glimmer looking like she was about to call an ambulance. “I-I’m fine! I’m fine!” I forced myself to take a few deep breaths and calm down.

“Sincerely, thank you for bringing this on your way!” I said to her, wiping tears out of my eyes. “This isn’t what I wanted to talk about… but fuck!”

The gist of it was that it would be a three-estate system. The First Estate consisted of the Crown; the Second Estate accounted for the nobility and other such landowners. And the Third Estate consisted of everyone else, including the CEO’s and other assorted greaseballs; due to the third estate vastly outnumbering the first and second, each Equestrian county will vote on a sort of board of representatives to discuss issues that need to be brought up. The meeting of the Estates Triumvirate will take place in mid-november, about four months from now; and each body of representatives from the Third Estate will vote on an Estates Speaker, who will bring up the discussed issues before the Triumvirate.

Every tier of the Estates Triumvirate will get, per issue… one vote. Each. One. Vote. Do you see the problem yet? But for all its shortcomings, it’s at least better than a two-party system of democracy where people’s voting choices boil down to blue vs. red.

Glimmer seemed to have just finished reading the paper. “This is awful!” She exclaimed, slapping the front of the paper with the back of her hoof. “Anything the Third Estate tries to accomplish will just get shot down by the nobility and the crown!”

I nodded with a wide smirk. “Not to mention- how many opportunities will there be for bribery? I’m willing to bet that the Third Estate is getting bought out by the wealthy as we speak.” I looked off to the side in thought. “That’s the problem with democracy in general, and especially one as half-baked as this. There are so many methods: voter bribery and intimidation, ballot stuffing… Just so many opportunities and bribeable faces along the way! The ultra-wealthy can use propaganda to try and convince the people that their anti-populist ideas are a good thing, and the big businesses will ensure that whoever gets voted in will mainly serve their interests.” I sucked in a deep breath of air, realizing how long-winded that sentence just was.

Glimmer put her hooves in her hands with an annoyed groan; I put a hand to her shoulder with a grin.

“The only reason I found this so funny, is because this is exactly the shit France tried as a last-ditch effort to avoid total revolution… eventually leading to the power vacuum that put Napoleon into power.” I explained… and she turned her head back up, a look of cautious hope painting her features. “I’d take the time to explain the utter circus-show that was the French revolution, but we’d be here all day.” I set the newspaper off to the side- “Heads rolled like pool balls after the first shot!” I mimicked the motion of shooting pool, ‘Clack!’

Glimmer snorted, unable to stop from chuckling; I wasn’t sure what she was thinking in this moment, but I’m willing to bet that she’s realizing what kind of opportunities this instability could hold… But as of now, there is nothing we can do.

“Later on, maybe?” She asked, pretty much always happy to listen to me ramble aimlessly about Human history, just as I’m happy to answer whatever questions she has; I, on the other hand, was happy to have someone enthusiastic to talk to about this stuff with. We both shared a love of history- and Glimmer has been one of my most unexpected friends. I nodded with a smirk, figuring that I’d have the time later.

“But, anyways… I talked to Fin about how you handled that thing I asked you.” I plucked a cigarette out of an open pack and flicked open my lighter; and in a move wholly unusual for her, Glimmer pulled a pack out of her own vest pocket.

“May I?” She asked, and I nodded while lighting my own, scooting the ash-tray between us. Magic sparked the tip of her smoke, already resting between her lips.

I took in a puff- “She said you handled it really well for a first timer.” The smoke flowed from my beak, and I exhaled off to the side. “Didn’t even get squeamish chopping him up? Even when you gutted him like a deer to make him easier to carry?” I asked with a smirk- and Glimmer shrugged, billowing smoke from the right side of her mouth, the cigarette being held in her telekinetic grasp.

“Scooping his guts out to burn was honestly more interesting than horrifying- it looked just like the anatomical sketches I’ve studied in books!” Taking a drag of her cigarette, she then gave me a sheepish grin. “But… by goodness, they don’t prepare you for the smell… combined with the smell of that slaughterhouse, I was dry-heaving until I wrapped some cloth around my nose!” My eyes widened- I forgot to consider that her pony sense of smell would… disagree with the ambient scent of a slaughterhouse.

“Ah, right!” I couldn’t help but facepalm lightly, pointing at her- “Next time, there’s a woodworking shop you can take the trash to! Lil’ Pete wouldn’t have been happy to see vomit on the killfloor come morning!” Little Pete, or Pete Jr, was the son of a butcher I used to frequent as a kid. Even after his dad drank himself to death, he took up the family business… along with the family recipes. He was quick to take on the ideas of the assembly line and mass production as well; Butcher Pete’s Quality Meats is a household name across the Syndicate… and now I really want some sausage.

“Oh, please! We made sure to hose it down before we left!” We both shared a laugh, puffing on our cigarettes. “And you know… the on-site showers were nice for cleaning ourselves up.” Those were installed for the workers initially, so they could clean themselves before going home to their families; since griffons wear clothes for fashion instead of a sense of decency, communal showers are hardly uncommon. “But I never realized how simple it was to remove a pony’s stomach.” She mused, looking off to the side.

“It’s basically a straight shot from the lower esophagus to the ass- it’s all held in by your ribs and skin!” I crushed my cigarette butt in the tray and lit another- and I noticed that Glimmer was on her third.

“I remember reading stories about soldiers holding their own guts in- and I thought they were exaggerations!” She giggled to herself, and I snorted.

“Believe me, it happens. More often than you think.” I took a deep puff of my cigarette, eyes going a little unfocused. “Some of us chose a sword over a gun- I’ve seen it all. There was a dog- hunched over on all fours. He tried putting himself back together- but the harder he tried, the more his entrails slipped through his grasp. He’d pick one up off the ground, trying desperately to stuff it back in as another fell.” There was another dog- he caught a sword to his nose. It dangled by a strip of flesh, revealing his skull beneath. Wet sucking noises could be heard following the report of blunderbuss fire, caused by air rushing into a gaping wound.

“Leona?” I blinked, taking in another puff to try and ground myself. I shook my head, unable to stop the faint shudder when I did.

“Ah, but I was going off on a tangent, there.” She still gave me that look of concern. “Sorry- I can’t help but daydream like that sometimes.”

She glanced off to the side- “I’m… I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to trigger anything.” I just shrugged.

“Ehh, fuhgeddaboutit!” I slapped her on the shoulder with a wide grin, and she turned to face me again with an apologetic smile. “But, before we got off topic, back to the point of all this!”

I crushed the butt of my cigarette out once again, setting the pack off to the side. Glimmer seemed to get the hint, taking one last puff of hers before crushing it out.

“After much consideration in regards to our future plans with Equestria, and especially in regards to your own immense skill and talents, I and the other members of my Family have agreed to open the books.” She blinked, looking somewhat confused- but her eyes widened not long after.

“You mean-” I just gave her a wide grin.

“The ponies need a good leader. Someone who understands their needs and puts them above all else. Someone who’s genuinely in-touch with the Equestrian zeitgeist, knows how to command respect, and doesn’t take issue with… dirty work.” Her eyes were still wide as dinner plates, her hooves covering her mouth. “I’m not trying to kiss your ass- we spent hours going over and debating this decision, and these were the conclusions we came up with as a collective. Equestria will need a head of state eventually- and if you join my family, I can ensure you’ll be the main consideration.”

She glanced off to the side in thought, still covering her mouth with a hoof. “You’re a good friend, Leona. I have no doubts you have a plan… but how do you propose to pull any of this off? Without inviting the dragons to wipe us all off the map?” She asked cautiously, almost like she was afraid to ask. I scrunched my beak, glancing off to the side.

“I… I’m hesitant to say, to tell you the truth. It’s a secret, involving the proliferation of human technological concepts and-” But I was interrupted.

“What if I told you a secret of mine? One that, if it ever started to spread, I’d… I’d whack whoever let it out.” I pretended to hold a hand to my beak, hiding a smirk while pretending to think; if she’s already mimicking my vocabulary, how much convincing would it really take?

“How about… a piece of the puzzle?” I offered, not waiting for a response before explaining- “In the first world war, the stalemate of trench warfare led to the British fielding the first tanks; basically, a tractor covered in steel plating, with a massive breech-loading cannon attached. They’re mobile, with tracks allowing it to climb the muddy hills and trenches of no-man's-land. It’s large-caliber gun can shoot up to 45 degrees up, punching through dirt, stone, steel, flesh… scales.” I explained, her jaw half-dropping when I connected the dots for her. “This is but one component of our planned offensive to retake Catlus and subjugate the dragons; a plan that’s been six years in the making, Starlight.”

She seemed… oddly conflicted. “I… I have friends among the dragons. What about them?” She asked, and I shrugged.

“If you’re with us, I’ll schedule a meeting for the big day. If you want to convince them to go somewhere else and wait the invasion out, that’s fine by me. Either way, allowing the dragons to expand was a dangerous move, which set an even more dangerous precedent.” I explained, Glimmer nodding with a sigh. “If their population expands enough, there won’t be enough guns in the world to do a thing about it.”

“No, I understand. It’s just…” She glanced from side to side. If there was one saving grace in this whole situation, it was the rate at which dragons reproduce and grow, combined with the in-fighting inevitably spawned over petty nonsense. “Fuck it. I’ll join.”

I gave her a wide grin. “This thing of ours is a society of the chosen, Starlight. In a few days time, you’ll take the same oath we all did; after that, you’ll be a made member of my crew. My family.” I got out of my chair and met her on the other side of my desk. She held her hoof out to shake; I grabbed it in my left hand and pulled her in for a hug over her shoulder. We separated, and I patted her on the back before shaking her hoof properly.

“Where I’m from, the only people who matter are those who have the balls to take what they want.” I said to her as I moved back to my chair. “I’m genuinely glad to have you join us; and believe me, the benefits to that are numerous… but first, I think I’m owed something.” I just gave her an expectant smirk, and she glanced nervously off to the side.

“I… is that still necessary?” She spoke quietly, sweat forming on her brow. “I… I don’t know what I was thinking, offering that up.” I just cocked an eyebrow.

“Starlight, your secrets are safe with me. Are mine safe with you?” I asked rhetorically. “It’s the principal, Glimmer. And if you’re in The Family, you can trust any one of us like your own brothers and sisters.” It was the truth- I trust my family with my secrets, and I hope they’d trust me with theirs.

She sighed, leaning in slowly; and I couldn’t help but wonder what fucked up secret she had? What awful, awful skeletons lay in her black closet? Was Naysay not her first kill? Did she disappear ponies from her village?

“My wife is trans.” She whispered in my ear… and I blinked in confusion.

“What?” I asked, genuinely confu- ohhhhhh. “Oh… Oh, that’s… huh.” I really didn’t know how to respond to that. “So like… She was… born a he, then?” I asked as delicately as I could.

“Leona, I’m gonna give you a pass just this once.” She glared at me, looking me dead in the eye. “But if you ever call my wife a ‘he’, even in the context of her birth, I will end you.”

I just threw my arms up. “No no, I get it! I’m sorry!” Glimmer gave me a relieved smile.

“I just had to get that out of the way. It’s a touchy subject- as in, no touchy!” She waved her hoof to emphasize her point. I just shrugged.

“Alright, alright! It’s just… I’ve never met a trans pony before. Please, forgive my ignorance- I meant no insult.” That was the honest truth. I’ve read about them in books, but never put much thought or research into them. “It’s just… how the hell’d she hide the salsicce? Ponies don’t wear pants!”

Her initial look of anger disappeared with a snort; she covered a hoof to her mouth as she started cracking up. “Of all the ways to ask that… snrk!” She forced herself to calm down and explain- “Since she was a showmare, she always wore this cloak that’d cover her from the sides and behind.” She explained matter-of-factly. “Beneath that, she had a binder- it looped around the base of her tail and was secured tightly to her barrel. It matched her coat- and because of how sheaths work, there was hardly a bulge.” She then shrugged. “But nowadays, Masque spells.”

“...Huh.” Wild. “Well… when you’re in charge of Equestria, maybe you could find her original birth record and have it burned and replaced?” I suggested with a sly grin- Glimmer’s eyes shot open again. “You know- go in and fix those ridiculous… spelling errors on that document.” Fuck it- whatever she wants, really.

She nodded slowly, staring off to the side in thought.

“So, I gotta ask.” I got her attention, lighting another cigarette. I gave her a smug grin- “How big is it?” She… matched my look.

She held her hooves out in front of her, not very spread apart. I glanced up and cocked an eyebrow- and her hooves started spreading.

“Not bad, not bad.” I said… and she spread her hooves some more. “No shit?” Then they kept going, finally stopping. “God damn!” She locked eyes with me… then kept going. “... You can take all that without crying?” I asked incredulously, and Glimmer just laughed aloud.

I just shook my head in disbelief, just wanting to put this topic down. “Go out and get yourself fitted for a nice suit or a dress- whatever your style is.” I said, meeting her gaze with a warm smile. “Within a few days, someone’ll be here to pick you up. Until then?” I reached into my desk and handed her a thick envelope. “Take your sweetheart out shopping!”

She nodded with a grin, stuffing the envelope into her vest pocket. “Thanks Leona. Seriously.” She turned to walk away… but then turned back with a smirk. “You wanna know something? They say that the prettiest mares have the biggest dick.” Before she opened the door, she said- “That means I married the prettiest mare in the world!” She laughed and fucked off before I could even respond.

I just rolled my eyes; my wife already had that title, massive salsicce or none… never thought I’d have to write that sentence.

---

Starlight paced around her room nervously, chain smoking and occasionally making stops to check her outfit in the mirror; She wore a pale blue button up with a collar, held in place with a star-shaped pin. Her overshirt was dark pink with gold cufflinks, its purple lapels matching her skirt perfectly.

“Starlight, darling.” Her wife half-pleaded with a look of concern in her eyes. “Please- relax. You’re worrying me seeing you like this!” Glimmer just gave her a faint smirk.

“I-I’m sorry… the anxiety is… a little overwhelming.” She sat on the bed, fanning herself with a hoof while she chained cigarettes. Trixie sat next to her, pulling a cigarette out of a bright-green pack.

“Cigarette?” She offered, and Glimmer took a whiff of it. “No, no- cigaweed.”

Glimmer sighed. “Fuck it.” She lit it and took two drags… before running to the bathroom to brush her teeth and wash it down with mouthwash. Can’t have weed on my breath! Fuck!

“STARLIGHT!” Trixie yelled, forcing Glimmer to look into her soft, caring eyes. “Relax. Everything’s fine, everything will be fine.” Hearing her wife's voice soothed her; her beautiful face made her smile.

Knock, Knock!

“Starlight! You ready in there?” She heard Jos outside her door, waiting on her.

Glimmer took a deep breath, pulling her wife in for a hug and a kiss. “This’ll be good for us- you know I’m just… anxious.”

Trixie smiled. “I know, sweetie. Say no more.”

---

Jos’ car rumbled through the city; Starlight was sitting in the front anxiously awaiting the future.

“You’ve been quiet. Everything alright?” She asked with genuine concern in her voice- and Starlight nodded.

“...yeah.” Was her response- and Jos cocked an eyebrow.

“Doesn’t sound alright to me.” She said, slowing down to stop at a red light.

“I’m nervous… is all.” She stared out the window, trying to focus on the passing scenery more than her own anxiety- and Jos recognized it immediately.

“I’ll be quiet. You just relax and look out the window- that’s the fun part about getting driven around, anyway!” It was a trait shared by her twin sister, after all. She just kept driving without a second word.

“Thank you.” Glimmer said, and Jos nodded. Fin often went nonverbal during heavy traffic- even if she was just a passenger, it was stressful at times.

As Glimmer relaxed and watched all the cars and buildings go by, Jos couldn’t help but wonder what she’d have for dinner that night; and as they passed a building with a white, castle-like facade, she grinned.

White Palace, it is! But small hamburgers and onion-breath would have to wait until later; they didn’t have enough time to hit the drive-thru now.

---

As soon as we heard the elevator ding, we all got up to greet our newest friend!

“She was sittin’ on one asscheek, the whole way over!” Jos said with a laugh, one echoed by the rest of us as I threw an arm around her back.

“Ugh! I was sitting just fine!” But we didn’t give a shit- we were just breaking balls. I looked her in the eyes with a warm smile.

“It’s great to have ya’.” Her look of worry started fading as everyone offered her handshakes and other congratulations for joining the crew.

“At this rate, the ponies in this family will outnumber the griffons!” Emmie quipped, causing more rounds of laughter.

After we all settled down and made our way to our spots, I had Ross adjusting the blinds; even as the light dimmed, the air-conditioned office in the skyscraper still felt warm and inviting… to me, anyway. We all stood around the table; Dee and I were standing across from Glimmer, Adrian standing next to me. Fin stood next to Glimmer, and everyone else stood by as witness.

While we didn’t bother putting a sword and a gun on the table, there were some aspects of the tradition still kept.

“We all know why we’re here.” I started plainly, looking Glimmer in the eyes. Fin set a candle on the table in front of Starlight and lit it. “If you’re still not sure, now’s your time to back out- none of us will think any less of you.” I paused, and she swallowed nervously. “Once you’re a part of this family- there’s no gettin’ out.”

It seemed to sink in slowly- and she finally nodded her head.

“This family comes before everything else; before your wife. Before your children. Before your own parents- it’s a thing of honor.” I explained- “It also means that if, goodness forbid- something bad were to happen, we’ll make sure your wife is treated right. Friends of the family are part of the family, but only as far as well-being is concerned.” In other words, even if Starlight is gone, we’ll take care of Trixie’s well being… but just because she’s part of the family, doesn’t mean she needs to be privy to anything we discuss.

“If you ever got a problem,” Adrian started, patting me on the back for dramatic effect. “This woman, right here. She’ll take care of it.” I smirked, nodding along. Dee spoke up-

“Doesn’t matter if it’s here or out there; bring it to her, she’ll solve it.” She said, and I nodded.

Fin took the end of a sewing needle and held the tip over the candle flame.

“If I ask you to kill Celestia herself, then you must do it.” I explained simply. “Show me the hoof that’ll carry it out.” She held her right hoof up, and Fin gently held a hand to it. I presented a photograph of Celestia, lighting the corner as Fin pricked Starlights hoof with the needle; it pierced the soft center, called the frog, and allowed blood to drip onto the burning card.

“Press this in your hooves and rub ‘em together.” I said, rubbing my hands together as a demonstration. “Repeat after me while you do it.”

She looked down to the slowly burning card, held in her two hooves. The flame was slow- but as Celestia’s mane started to burn, she rubbed the card between her hooves.

“May I burn in Hell.” I said, her hooves rubbing together rhythmically as she said-

“May I burn in Hell.” She responded, the candlelight dancing across her features highlighted a look of focus and concentration.

“If I ever betray my friends.” Was the plain and simple conclusion.

“If I ever betray my friends.” She responded without hesitation, and I gave her a wide grin.

“Congratulations.” I genuinely felt pride for her- and Adrian started clapping; everyone else followed not long after as I moved to the other side to pull her in for a hug.

“So that’s it?” She asked, and I chuckled.

“You’re a made mare now, Starlight. Wear that with honor.” I patted her shoulder- “No one can fuck with you. No-one. You’re practically untouchable- just like Celestia or Twilight.” Meaning, that anyone who tries won’t live long enough to regret it afterwards.

After several more rounds of congratulations, it was time to get to our second order of business: the desert zebras.

We all sat in chairs around the table, while Sinan stood up.

“Mind’s Eye and I… that rhyme was not intentional…” He said, “Have spoken to the Shah of Irem in regards to setting up oil-drilling operations.”

He stood there in silence, looking around the room as if waiting for something.

“And?” I asked, “What did he say?”

Sinan just shrugged. “He said no.” He then sat down in his chair.

I blinked. “Wha- no? The fuck you mean?” Emmie spoke up this time.

“His answer was no. And that was that- he wouldn’t compromise, try to bargain, nothing.” I just gave him an incredulous look.

“He said no?” A massive grin threatened to break my face in half. “How ‘bout we just… do it anyway?” I elaborated- “When we have our guys setting up base in the desert to start construction on that end, we’ll send a company of soldiers for protection.” And that was that.

We’re gonna build oil wells wherever the fuck we want. Someone have a problem? Come and take it.

“Wait, I’m confused.” Starlight said, and I cocked an eyebrow. “What happened, and what’s going to happen?”

It just occurred to me that it may take a while to get her caught up; I was able to answer the first part easily- they have oil, and we need it more than they do.

As for the second part? It’s wholly dependent on how long it takes for the zebras to fuck around and find out.

Tainted Love

View Online

Black pits of tar-seeps could be found dotting the land in the Umugqa desert, in an area called ‘The Eyes’ by the locals. About ten miles to the west, settled along the coastline, was a settlement; its wall was made of standing logs, stabilized from inside by a scaffold that acted as a viewing platform. Surrounding that wall was a trench, reinforced with wooden beams and shaded with tarps overhead.

This settlement, nicknamed Dustbowl by its occupants, was essentially a staging ground for the main construction projects. Soldiers patrolled the trenches; the newer arrivals kept a constant vigil on the horizon as the older occupants zoned out, using their imagination to break up the monotony.

The zebras knew they were there, alright; they’d sometimes spend hours watching them from the horizon, as if daring them to get any closer… but the soldiers wouldn’t be in much danger, anyway, considering the lever-action rifles they all sported; and if that wasn’t enough, the brass gatling guns that periodically lined sections of the trench wall would be. Armor would just weigh them down, so their uniforms consisted of light tan jackets; on their heads was a towel secured with a sweatband across their foreheads, their helmets hanging on their belts.

An escape barge was maintained in a simple dock; so if shit goes sideways, the non-military occupants could fly to and evacuate; another barge was approaching from the distance, signaled by a foghorn.

“Halle-fuckin’-lujah.” A senior officer muttered to himself, taking his flat military hat off to wipe his forehead; last week, he’d received the news that construction on the oil derricks would soon begin. The barge carried supplies, construction workers, more soldiers, guns, ammo… and trucks with gatling guns mounted in pull carts; all within large stacked shipping containers, with supplies stacked on pallets for quick loading and unloading. It was a simple yet revolutionary logistical change that made transporting cargo a much quicker process.

As the ship approached, the shoremen did inspections of their forklifts on the large field of concrete used for staging stuff. They looked like open-topped tractors with weights on the back and a massive hydraulic device welded onto the frame; they made no attempt to hide the fact that these were just regular tractors modified for this purpose. While this happened, the soldiers saw the clipboard jockeys going around busting everyone’s balls like one of their own officers would. On the barge itself, massive cranes started coming to life, performing one of the many periodic functionality tests they went through on the journey. It wouldn’t have been an easy task, keeping machinery well-greased and rust free as they got sprayed with saltwater.

Everyone watched the barge as it approached, hoping that tomorrow, maybe they’d finally see some action. A bunch of project managers would need to survey the land to determine what goes where- but the soldiers couldn’t care less about who they would be protecting; most were eager to finally leave the walls of Dustbowl, their trigger fingers itching in anticipation.

The zebras remained on the horizon, watching. Waiting.

---

It was the middle of september- and despite school starting in a week, I was excited for Anastasia; after all, today was her sixth birthday! I held her present in my bathrobe’s pocket, anticipating the look on her face.

“Anastasiaaa!” I sing-songed as I entered her room. “Happy birth-” She wasn’t there, but her bathroom light was on, the door wide open. I heard coughing, followed by the sounds of retching and wet splashing; I approached the bathroom with a sinking feeling in my gut.

“What’s wrong?” I asked as I entered the room; She was leaning against the wall near her toilet, staring off into space. She was shivering, drenched in sweat and wrapping herself in a blanket. “What’s wrong, baby?”

She looked towards me with a smile. “Hey, Ma’.” She sniffled, snot running down the sides of her beak. “I’ll be late for breakfast- I didn’t get much sleep last night.” She explained innocently, apparently thinking her symptoms were a result of a lack of sleep.

“Aww, baby…” I muttered, pulling the chain to flush her toilet and grabbing a towel to clean her face. “You’re just sick, honey.” She let me clean her face without any fussing- that’s how I knew things were real serious.

“No’m not.” She muttered, her voice sounding rough and scratchy. I held a hand to her forehead and couldn’t help but gasp out loud at how hot she felt.

“Good fuck…” I tugged at the blanket she clutched around herself. “Anastasia, get this off. You’re burning up!” She held it around her tight, and I was forced to more-or-less pull it from her weakened grasp.

“Weehhhh!” She whined as the blanket was taken away. “B-But I’m c-c-coooold!” She was trembling, beak chattering as she tried hugging herself to keep ‘warm’ while my heart broke. I leaned into her, allowing her to grab on to my neck while my right hand picked her up.

“I’m so sorry, baby.” I nuzzled her forehead, gently setting her on the bed. I set her on top of her quilted comforter, grabbing the thinnest blanket I could find in her closet for her; hopefully it’d keep her cool and comfortable. I grabbed the empty box of tissues at her bedside to replace with a new one; a tin bucket used for making sandcastles I found in her closet would make for a decent temporary emergency vomit bucket.

“I’ll be right back, baby. If you gotta throw up and can’t make it to the bathroom, use this.” I set the bucket on her bedside. I nuzzled her forehead, running to the bathroom to wash my hand-

“Mamma?” She asked. “Are we still having my birthday party?” A glimmer of hope sparkled in her eyes, only interrupted by a coughing fit- and it broke my heart to have to tell her.

“We’ll reschedule it, Annie. You just need to rest for now.” She sniffled, face scrunching up like she was about to cry. “Would you make it feel better if I showed you your gift?” She sniffled, looking off to the side… before nodding her head.

“It would a little…” She had the smallest smile curling her beak, and I kissed her forehead.

“I’ll be right back.” I said after washing my hands.

In the kitchen, Mamma was still working on breakfast… and once again, I had to be the bearer of bad news.

“Morning, dear!” She said cheerily, shredding potatoes as she asked- “How’s the little birthday girl?” But she saw the expression on my face as soon as she looked up.

“Anastasia’s sick.” She stopped cranking the shredder immediately, nodding as she ran to the utility closet. She set a bucket on the table, using that as the basis to assemble a care kit.

“What’s the symptoms?” She asked, and I rattled off-

“High fever. Chills. Vomiting, presumably nausea as well. Sore throat, if her scratchy voice is anything to go by.” I explained as Mamma set a couple bottles of water and ginger-ale in the bucket. “She didn’t even fuss when I wiped the snot off her beak.”

Mamma’s eyes widened. “That serious?” She asked, and I nodded. She grabbed a bottle of cough syrup out of one of the cupboards. “When your wife's doctor comes around, have him take a look at her.” She commanded, shoving the bucket my way. “I’ll bring you up something to eat- you just look after Anastasia.” I nodded, pulling her in for a hug.

“I won’t let you down!” I jokingly saluted, using my wing to hold the bucket by the handle.

I also made sure to stop by the livingroom- Dee was sitting on the couch, rubbing the bump on her belly as she listened to the radio. I let her know what was going on; and since she had that doctor's appointment, we were gonna have him make sure whatever Anastasia has wouldn’t also spread to my wife.

“I’m back, sweetie.” I let myself in, setting the supply bucket next to her bed and grabbing a pillow to sit on. I grabbed the cough medicine, and Anastasia asked-

“Why do my arms hurt?” Once again I couldn’t help but flinch, feeling that second-hand pain mothers get when seeing their baby hurt.

“I told you- you’re just a little sick, is all. Nothing to worry about.” I ruffled her head-feathers, cracking open a ginger-ale before pouring cough syrup into a spoon. “Open up.”

She must have been more than a little dazed, opening her beak without hesitation. It closed on the spoonful of cough syrup, a look of regret flashing across her features when she did. Just as Mamma did to me many times, I pinched her beak shut and tilted her head back.

“You did good, baby!” I tried to be as enthusiastic as possible while she spat at nothing. “Ginger ale- drink it.” I handed her a bottle and she sipped it, trying to get the awful taste out of her mouth.

“Ewwww…” She whined, setting the gingerale on her nightstand.

“It’ll make you feel better, at least.” I said, reaching into my bathrobe for the wrapped wooden box. “Would this at least make you happier?” I asked, handing her the small gift-wrapped box; it was a weighty thing, so I set it on her lap gently. She looked at it with wonder in her eyes before looking away to sneeze. I grabbed her a tissue on instinct, using it to wipe her beak clean.

She tore the paper gently, revealing a small oaken box within. It had a silver badge on the front, marking it as a Girandoni brand piece. “What is it?” She asked curiously, throwing the paper off the side of her bed. I just sat there with a smirk on my face as she fiddled with the tiny latches on the front.

“No way!” Her voice cracked from half-yelling; for inside the box was a revolver, resting in a carved recess in the center on a bed of red velvet. The underside of the lid had the manufacturer information, as well as the name of the company that customized this one for me. It came with a cleaning rod and a screwdriver with wooden bulb-handles recessed in the velvet, as well as a detailing brush; along with that was a compartment with a velvety lid, used for storing patches and other stuff for cleaning. Another recessed spot held a small glass vial of whale oil, and a row of five recessed spots would have held five .25 rimfire bullets… if I didn’t take them out already for obvious reasons.

“Finger off the trigger!” I warned her as she pulled it out gently to inspect it, dutifully keeping her booger-hook off the bang-switch. It was a small vest pocket pistol that actually looked normal sized in her hands; it fired a semi-proprietary .25 rimfire short cartridge out of a 2.5 inch barrel. It was single-action, with a recessed spur-trigger and a small eagle-head grip.

“It’s engraved, too!” She kept it pointed towards the wall as she inspected every nook and cranny, the engraved blued steel sparkled faintly in her bedroom’s light; I made sure to open it up and clean all the factory-grease and re-oiled it before presenting it to her.

“What do the grips say?” I asked, and she moved her hand to look. They were made of ivory, and had Annie carved into the right grip in a flowy calligraphy style.

“That’s my name!” Indeed it is. “How do I load it?” She asked, and I held my hand out; and taking it in my hand, I pointed towards the cylinder guide rod, right underneath the barrel. It was knurled on the end, hinting at its function.

“See this part here?” I asked her, and she nodded. “It connects to this little latch here.” It was a small button-latch on the front of the frame you simply had to press down. I held it down, slowly pulling the cylinder pin out.

Click

The cylinder swung open on a hinge at about 45 degrees, spinning as it did so. “This is your ejector rod!” I said, using the rod to push invisible bullets out of the chambers. Closing it was as simple as pushing the cylinder into place and pinning it back into place; I handed it back to her and she giggled when the cylinder popped out with its spin.

“Does… does this mean you’ll finally teach me how to shoot?” She asked with anticipation-filled hope in her voice. She’s been asking me to teach her how to shoot guns pretty much since the day she became self aware; and I intended to teach her how to handle them with the respect and reverence they deserved.

My response was a massive grin and a nod. I leaned in and she flung her arms around my neck.

“Thank you, thank you, thank youuu!” Her voice sounded so weak and tiny, but it made me smile to hear her enthusiasm; despite her no-doubt feeling like utter shit, I think I made her day with that! She let go and I kissed her on the forehead. “Are we gonna shoot it when I get better?” She asked, and I nodded.

“When you get better, honey.” I explained, gently wrestling the gun from her hand and putting it back in the box. She laid back sleepily, yawning as she did so.

“How powerful is it?” She asked, and I couldn’t help but chuckle as I set the gun off to the side.

“Strong enough to blow someone’s head clean off, I bet.” I extended my arm towards the wall, pretending to aim a gun. “POW!” I flung my arm back, exaggerating the recoil of an imaginary gun.

Anastasia giggled faintly, “Awesome…” Her eyes began fluttering shut. “When’s breakfast? I’m tired.” She asked just as Mamma gently shoved the door, bearing even more supplies. “Gramma! Did you see my birthday present?”

Mamma set a plate with a sandwich on top of Annie’s dresser before making her way to us. The other plate just had two slices of buttered toast, which she set on the end of the bed; she carried a bag under her wing, with a bottle of milk, among other things.

“I did, deary! Sit up for me.” She commanded, my daughter sitting up so Mamma could fluff her pillows. “It’s a very nice pistol- make sure you take good care of it.” Mamma said, setting the plate of toast in Annie’s lap. “Eat your breakfast, darling. I gotta speak to your mamma.”

Anastasia sniffled, putting her arms out to signal the want for a hug; one which Mamma obliged, leaning in so Annie could wrap her arms around her neck.

“Thanks, Gramma!”

While Anastasia picked at her toast, Mamma and I stepped off to the side.

“I think it’s just regular bird flu, to be honest.” I said disdainfully, upset that my baby had to suffer on her birthday of all days. “I’ll take care of her, though. You got more than your fair share everytime I came down with something.” I set a hand on her shoulder, the two of us going for a hug.

“Ahh, bullcrap.” She said, rolling her eyes. “You’re my baby; was I supposed to just let you suffer alone?” I glanced over to Anastasia, who nibbled at her toast and occasionally took a sip of ginger ale. “I’ll help any way I can, bringing up food and drinks and stuff. You just worry about keeping my grandbaby happy. Capisce?”

I nodded, looking off to the side misty-eyed. “I… I can’t thank you enough for all the stuff you did for me growing up.” This woman had the patience of a saint. “You’re… You mean the world to me, Mamma. I love you.” A nostalgic tear rolled down my cheek, Mamma giggling as she used a thumb to wipe that cheek, leaning in to whisper-

“I love you too, baby. Believe me- she sees you the same way you always saw me.”

!!!

My eyes shot open upon realization, a hand covering the expression of shock on my beak. It morphed into a smile when I realized how right she was. She wordlessly pulled me in for a hug, one which I was hesitant to break apart from; but she broke it first, as I would need to get back to the task at hand.

“I made you an egg and bacon sandwich with tomato.” She gestured towards my breakfast, which made my mouth water. “On toast, with cheese and a little bit of mayo.” music to my ears.

“Thanks, Mamma.” I said as she made her way out.

“Get better soon, Annie! That way we can have a big party for you!” Mamma said as she made her way out, Anastasia gasping in excitement.

“Okay, Gramma!” She said, “Mamma, I’m full.” she shoved the barely-touched slice of toast towards the end of the bed, and I moved to take care of it.

Well, whatever. I wanted to spend more time with Annie anyway; fuck the world, it can wait. My baby’s sick- she needs me!

---

“Are you sure you’ll make it home in time for our date?” Trixie whined as Glimmer was going over her to-do list for the day. She rolled her eyes, reaching to hug and kiss her wife goodbye for the day.

“I told you, we’ll get there in time!” She reiterated with a giggle, “This house came with responsibilities and perks. Believe me, you won’t have to worry about a long line.”

Ever since she was made, Leona gave her a proper income so she could afford a lovely townhouse in the city. It had a garage at the base level, the main area on the second floor, and bedrooms on the third. It was compact- but not cramped. Occasionally she gets some “chores” to do, but mostly she has to write for her underground Equestrian newspaper, called The Majority!

They stared lovingly into each other's eyes, kissing once more goodbye. As far as her wife was concerned, however, Starlight was daylighting as a union delegate. In some ways, however, it was true-ish. She glanced in the mirror to adjust the collar on her vest, ensuring it lined up perfectly with the buttons on her shirt. Her purse was slung over her shoulder, half-pack of cigarettes and lighter were floated into her vest pocket.

“And I really wish you’d cut back on smoking!” Her wife nagged- but Glimmer just chuckled.

“I know, I know! I’m limiting myself to one per hour.” she reassured, holding her keys in her magic as she made her way down the steps. Her car sat in the garage with the roof folded back- its stepped side trims were matte black, contrasted with the chrome bumpers and radiator trims- all complimented with the burgundy paint. It had white-walls guarded by swooped fenders with a spare on the back.

Her garage door opener hummed as it let some natural light in, the cool morning breeze feeling refreshing along Glimmer’s fur. She put the key to battery and held the fire switch, the eight cylinder engine roaring to life; but unlike Leona’s monstrous Straight-8 engined car, her car sported the newer V8 technology, making the cars overall length shorter.

She lit a cigarette as she backed out, looking over her shoulder to watch for other cars down her street. It was a narrow brick-paved road which thankfully opened up quickly; the main avenue was lined with brick apartment buildings, with shops and businesses occupying the main levels. The closer to the heart of the city she got, office buildings started cropping up, and soon she couldn’t even see the tops of some of these buildings without craning her neck upward.

But soon, she was past the city center, entering a more residential neighborhood. A few more streets, she’d reach her destination- some small apartment near the old Rookeries. She parked in front of the driveway, not caring if the occupant would have to drive out or not. Grabbing her (rather large) purse, she approached the door.

Knock, Knock, Knock.

“Coming!” The occupant yelled through the door. Glimmer just stood there, though- waiting. “Can I help you?” The bluish-grey griffon poked her head through the door cautiously, as if she knew she was in trouble.

“Gabby Gums? Or, Gabriella?” The woman’s eyes widened, and Glimmer’s magic was already holding the door open when she tried to slam it shut. “It’s nice to finally meet you! My friends wanted to congratulate you on your journalistic integrity, in regards to the Naysay investigation. That’s all!”

Gabby stopped struggling to shut the door… and that was all Glimmer needed; the door flung open, knocking the home’s occupant back onto her flanks, her arms flailing upwards in an attempt to guard.

“Oof! Wait, plea-!”

THWACK!

The right side of her face exploded in pain as a brass-shoed hoof dashed into it, the front door slamming shut behind the two. She felt blood slowly leak down her cheek, the brute force of the hoof splitting her skin open. A faint blue glow held her by the collar of her neck, bringing her eye-level with her attacker.

“No, no, no, please! I-I’m sorry! I’m sor-mmf!” She begged as she was forced into her kitchen chair, the invader wrapping duct-tape around her beak.

“Two fuckin’ times you were told to keep your beak shut!” Glimmer barked as her victim struggled, magic gluing her to the chair. “Two fuckin’ times we asked you! But you just had to keep pushing the Naysay issue!”

“Mmmf! Mf, mmmmhmmMm!” Glimmer rolled her eyes, pulling a derringer and a dictionary out of her bag.

“This’ll muffle the shot, hopefully.” Starlight wasn’t a fan of loud noises, to say the least. Her victim shook in fear and terror, the dictionary being pressed to her chest; Starlight’s revolver pressing against the middle of the book.

“Mf!Mf!Mf!Mf!” She might have been just repeating no over and over again. “Mmhmm! Mf! Mffff!” Tears were streaming down her face.

“You fucked up, Gabby.” Starlight said with a shrug. The hammer on her .38 Derringer pulled itself back slowly.

BANG!

Starlight cringed at the sound of gunfire, almost unable to stop herself from clutching her hooves to her ears. Sulfury smoke filled the air, mixing with the smell of burning paper; the front of the dictionary was singed, and her victim stared at her, eyes wide open… breathing heavily.

“No kidding?” Starlight muttered to herself, flipping the dictionary open and letting the bullet fall out with a tink. “It only made it to the ‘R’s’!” Tears poured down the face of her victim as she shook violently. Starlight leaned in uncomfortably close. “Next time? There’ll be no next time.”

Her victim sobbed meekly, magic tearing the tape off her beak. She sucked in a deep breath of air as Starlight reiterated- “Whatever happened to Naysay, it’s in our hands to investigate. Got it?” beak clenched shut, she nodded rapidly, and Starlight kicked the chair over before turning to leave as her victim fell roughly to the floor.

Shutting the door behind her, she lit up a smoke before hopping in her car, starting the engine, and peeling off. She soon found herself at the Mini-Bargain’s gas station, where an attendant filled up her car while she used their payphone.

“Leona speaking.” She heard the Don’s voice on the phone.

“That journalist ain’t gonna be a problem anymore. I talked to her.” Starlight said, lighting up her third smoke that day.

“How’d that dictionary trick work out?” Leona asked, Starlight chuckling in response. I taught her that because she… really didn’t like the sudden percussion of gunfire.

“It made the shot quieter- but it only made it to the R’s!” Starlight shrugged, “But I left her alive- she got the hint.”

---

“But I left her alive- she got the hint.”

I just shrugged in response. “Yeah, that’s fine. I wasn’t expecting that baby-gun of yours to make it through anyway.” I chuckled with a smirk, which I’m sure was met with an eye-roll.

“Pointing a gun at someone is somehow more effective than pointing a horn at someone… for some reason.” She grumbled to herself, and I shrugged.

“You gotta remember the psychological aspect of a gun. You point a gun at someone, they know what the piece is capable of.” I half-rambled, as this is something I occasionally pondered. “But some unicorn looks at you funny? Maybe they can give you an aneurysm with a glare or turn you into a frog; but how often is that really the case?”

“...True…” She mumbled, and I added-

“Granted, I know which column you fall under. But your average Jane-Jerkoff like that nosey fuckin’ journalist? Eh, another face in the crowd.” I shrugged- “But, yeah- I appreciate you takin’ care of that for me. It’s been a hectic morning taking care of Anastasia.

“Eh, no big deal. I wanted an excuse to get out of the house anyway.” Fair enough, fair enough. “Did you want me to call you back once I collect off that doctor?” She asked- and a flash of remembrance flashed across my face.

“Oh, fuck! Nah, you don’t need to do that! He’s here.” I blushed slightly, rubbing the side of my head. “I uh… I forgot he would be coming here anyway. I was gonna call you, I swear!”

“Nah, it’s alright. Lil’ Annie is counting on you!” Starlight giggled, and I couldn’t help but laugh too.

“Yeah, no kiddin’!” I glanced back over to Annie’s bed, where my wife’s doctor was finishing Annie’s checkup. “But, I gotta go. Make sure that wife of yours has a good time tonight!”

“Hye-ha! Can do!” Click.

I hung up the receiver and turned to the doctor, gesturing for him to take a few steps away from Annie’s bed so we could talk.

“What’s the diagnosis, Docta’ Feel-Good?” I exaggerated his name because I couldn’t help but think of the Motley Crue song every time I addressed him.

He rolled his eyes with a groan, rubbing his temple with a hoof. “Dr. Good. Please.” He sounded exasperated, and I couldn’t wipe the smug grin off my face. “And it’s a simple case of bird flu- if you’re worried for your wife or her foal, then it’s unwarranted.”

That was relieving news, at least. “Could be worse then.” I looked him in the eye- “I appreciate you taking a look.”

“Of course- and if her fever doesn’t break after four days, I’d recommend taking her to the ER. But she should be fine.” He looked off to the side, “Will that go towards what I owe, or-” He asked, and I rolled my eyes.

“Rest assured- that will go towards the debt you owe me. I’ll figure the numbers out later.” It’s not like I was letting him go broke and destitute- I was giving him a living, but not the exorbitant fee he was demanding. “Remember- just be glad you’re not in Ross’s debt.” I put a hand to his back as I guided him towards the door, and he gulped. “I wouldn’t be able to stop him from coming for your kneecaps.”

I gave him a wide smirk as he turned to quickly shake my hand; Dee was waiting out in the hallway, and she quickly took his place.

“Annie, baby! I’m here!” She said as we strutted to the bedside.

“Hey, Mommy.” Her voice was still soft and weak. “I’m sick…” She muttered, finally realizing what I’ve been trying to tell her. This was her first time admitting that out loud. “Does my kid-sister know yet?”

Dee and I shared a giggle, “Know what? That you’re a little under the weather?” She said, Annie looking off to the side strangely.

“You know- If… if I don’t make it-”

“Hey!”
“What!?”

Dee and I now looked at each other with concern in her eyes, Anastasia just lay there with a dopey look on her face.

“Anastasia, why the fuck would you think that?” She just shrugged, probably dazed from her fever.

“It happens in books and stuff- people get sick, then they die.” She explained like it was a fact of life; almost like she thought I was trying to keep that “obvious” fact from her.

“What? Are we living in a book?” Dee chastised sarcastically, but I held a hand up, looking my baby in the eyes.

“What your mother is trying to say is that life’s not like a storybook. You’ve been sick before, but you’re still here, right?” I asked, and she blinked, glancing to the side- possibly in thought. She had gotten colds before- but to be fair, this is the worst I’ve seen her. “Look at me, Anastasia.”

I took her tiny hand in mine to get her attention; her big amber eyes looked back at me, just as beautiful as the day I first beheld them.

“No-one’s dying, Anastasia. Please, get that thought out of your head.” After a few moments, she nodded slowly.

“Okay, Mamma. I’m sorry…” She looked to the side like she was gonna cry, but I held her chin up.

“I’m not upset. You’re a smart girl, and I’m proud of you. Just… there’s no point in assuming the worst. Alright?” Finally she smiled, and I patted her shoulder before kissing her forehead. Dee looked at me from across the bed with mild surprise in her eyes. I just shrugged.

“Well… Anastasia, make sure you get lots of rest, honey.” Dee said as she leaned in for a hug and a kiss. “Mommy has work to do today…” Anastasia nodded with a smile.

“It’s okay, Mommy.” was all she said before rolling over for a nap.

As we walked away, I elbowed Dee’s shoulder lightly, gesturing for her to follow me into the hallway. I shut the door behind us, for now.

“You almost handled it like your mother would’ve.” I said, more concerned than disappointed. She nodded, glancing off to the side. “Sarcastically yelling at her won’t fix anything, you know that!”

“I know!” She yelled, causing me to flinch. “I was caught off guard, alright?” She glanced off to the side with a huff, and I wrapped my arms around her.

“It’s alright honey, I’m not upset!” I reassured, pulling back to look her in the eyes. “I’m just… concerned, is all! You remember when we were younger? You thought her constant verbal abuse was normal!”

I don’t even remember which conversation started that, to be honest. We were teens- Dee and I were only “best friends” at the time. She’d come to me in tears because her mother was being awful to her; and at the time, I was confused as to why she never went to her father. Only now do I realize it’s because if she went to her father, then he would beat her mother… feeding into the cycle of abuse.

I haven’t had it confirmed by my wife- I just connected the dots myself. Still- I’d need to have a chat with my father-in-law.

“Remember those days? You’d come crying to me about your mother, and I’d go over exactly why she was wrong about whatever she’d have to say?” She let out a heavy sigh.

“I-I know… you’re right.” She looked off to the side bashfully. “Maybe I oughta go through my old diary’s more often like you do?” She suggested with a hopeful grin, and I couldn’t help but snort as I remembered a particular entry I re-read the other day. Dee cocked an eyebrow and I explained-

“Sorry, I was remembering an entry I read the other day.” I gave her a smirk- “Remember when we first started dating? I’d ask you to do something, and you’d say ‘okay, Mommy. Sure thing.’” Dee had a faint blush on her face. “Then that one time at dinner, you asked for Mommy to pass the salt?”

Dee blushed deeply, lowering her head into her hooves. “Don’t even remind me.”

Believe me, I wasn’t too thrilled to be at that dinner table either.

I wrapped my arms around her and leaned in close- “Hey, look. It’s alright, honey.” She gave me a little smirk as we leaned in for a kiss.

Anastasia’s door creaked open, my baby looking up at us with a guilty look in her eye and a spot of something stuck to her beak.

“I frew up.”

---

Starlight was laying belly-down, panting heavily in delight and satisfaction. “Ah- Almost there.” She half-moaned out loud, bliss taking her mind elsewhere.

“Haah!” She gasped aloud as the masseuse finally worked that stubborn knot out of her back. Her whole body felt loose as the tension poured out of her like someone opened a tap directly to all her stress.

“Ooof… Alright, Fabien. I think I’m about ready.” She spoke aloud, removing the cucumbers that were covering her eyes; the room looked less like a sterile doctors office, and more like a lavish hotel room with wonderful drapes, tastefully patterned wallpaper, and wall-mounted gas lamps adding to the ambience. He looked at her with his eyebrows cocked, and Starlight realized- she forgot he was deaf! “Ah, right.”

A set of hands carved out of wood sat on a nearby mahogany desk; each digit had simple mechanical joints which can be posed as needed. As the counselor of the School of Friendship, she was required to learn both pony and griffonian sign-language; the former using a complex system of stomping and clacking hooves to convey speech. Other than the hands, a stack of blank papers next to some writing utensils must have been how most communicated with him.

“I’m ready to move to the bath!” She signed, and Fabien’s eyes lit up in realization. The massage table she was laying on had a built-in hydraulic device; it made it so the patient can more easily get on or off, and it also made it so the masseuse could more comfortably reach the patient. A simple press of the pedal near the base made it lower, letting Glimmer step off. “Thank you! That was absolutely wonderful! I’ll have to bring my wife next time.”

“Nghee-hee!” Fabien chuckled aloud, the tone-deaf laugh juxtaposing his handsome looks. With a bright, kind smile, his hands said- “I’d love to have you here again! And not just because it’s rare to meet someone who speaks my language!” He was joking, but Starlight had a thought- Why isn’t sign language taught in schools? She’d definitely be talking to Leona about this.

“I was a school counselor once- I get it.” She nodded, sitting on her flanks as Fabien helped put her bathrobe back on. She twisted and bent her back off to the sides, relishing the lack of pain. “Seriously, thank you. My spine doesn’t feel like it’s full of gravel anymore!”

“You’re absolutely welcome! From me, you’ll get naught but the best- why bother otherwise?” He let out that same goofy chuckle again, “Well… you’re a busy mare. Would you like me to show you to the baths?”

Starlight couldn’t help but smile as she mused, “You seem like you enjoy what you do!” Her purse, hanging on a hook by the door, floated her way.

“Of course I do! Helping people, though- that’s what I enjoy the most.” He beamed pride as she unzipped her purse. Pulling a large wad of bills out, she set them on the bed’s pillow. “Uhwahg!?” He vocalized when he saw the stack; Starlight chuckled faintly.

“Seriously. I’ll be back, maybe next week!” She giggled as his frantic hands struggled to sign… anything!

“Ahk Oough!” He vocalized again as Starlight made her way to the bathing areas. The private bathrooms were labeled with names and appointment times; her door was marked with only a number. She fished the key she was given out of her purse, entering the dark room and pressing the call button, letting the front desk know she was ready. Much like the other rooms, this one was lit by gas lanterns and had a warm, hotel-like interior.

The bathtub sat in the middle of the room, boxed in by a tile floor, ensuring water wouldn’t get all over the hardwood. She added plenty of bubble soap to the bath and turned the faucet on, lighting a cigarette and leaning against the wall.

When the tub was half-full, she lowered herself into the hot water… just in time for the bath-maid to arrive.

“Huh, perfect timing!” She said, her appearance making Starlight bite her lip; the griffon maid wore a lacy bra which highlighted her chest fluff, along with black panties and fishnets held up by garterbelts. “I’d have hated to keep such a pretty mare waiting for long.”

Starlight wasn’t dirty, by any means; she took a shower before she left the house, after all. No, this was a different kind of service. The maid would drop her sponge every now and then.

“Whoops! Gosh, why am I so clumsy?” She’d say as she bent over to pick it up, and Starlight unable to resist trying to catch a glimpse of her tight cunt; despite her best efforts, she couldn’t help but spank the maid’s butt every time she stuck it in the air. “Oof! Aren’t we frisky, huh?”

“Sorry- I was smacking a fly away!” Starlight played ignorant, and the two shared a giggle. She brought the sponge down towards Starlights hind legs.

“You mind? I wanna make sure I get… everything.” Starlight nodded, blushing in anticipation as the maid let go of the sponge entirely.

“Mmmffh!” She suppressed a moan by biting on her forehoof, wondering why it’s taken her this long to experience the feeling of griffon hands.

‘No wonder Leona recommended the happy ending… goodness!’ She thought to herself, feeling like she was on top of the world.

---

Later that same evening, Starlight drove Trixie to the packed theater with an extra pep in her step.

“You seem cheerier than usual tonight!” Her wife noted, and Glimmer chuckled.

“I’m excited, that’s why!” coupled with the orgasm she had earlier that evening. Outside the theater, the marquee shone bright with a dazzling display of lights and colors. The facade, normally decorated and labeled with a variety of showings, were all instead dedicated to a single film. It proudly displayed:

NOW PLAYING
THE UNICORN OF OZ
STARRING:
JUDITH GHIRLANDA
IN FULL TECHNICOLOR!

“Technicolor?” Trixie mused curiously, dreading the line they’d surely have to wait in. “Is that what I think it is?” She asked as Starlight stopped the car in front of the building, handing the keys and a tip off to the valet. She opened the door to let her wife out, kissing her cheek as she got out of the car.

“It’s exactly what you think it is!” Starlight said, heading away from the back of the line and gesturing for Trixie to follow. “Hey, Jimmy! Helluva crowd tonight?” She yelled to the bouncer with a wave, eliciting a smile and a wave back. He wasn’t really a “bouncer,” rather, his job was to keep the building from overcrowding.

“Absolutely! I ain’t seen it yet, but people’ve been tellin’ me it’s beautiful!” Trixie stuck close as they headed towards a side entrance, her wife waving at the employees like she was a regular.

“You sure we’re allowed to do this?” She asked, and Starlight chuckled with a shrug.

“No-one’s stopped us, right?” It was true, Trixie supposed. Starlight turned towards the manager, “Brucie! Our seats ready yet?”

“Oh, Starlight! I was wondering when you’d show up!” Trixie glanced at the crowd of people as they were led into the theater proper. “Right this way!”

“Hold on, I thought there weren’t any more seats?” Trixie heard someone complain from the line of people who were waiting. In the front row, dead center, there were several empty seats… as well as three-seats behind where they were sitting.

“I saw it earlier- believe me, it’s a work of art!” the manager said as he escorted them to their seats; the neighboring chairs actually had little trays on them where they could put stuff.

“Appreciate it, Bruce!” Starlight said, allowing the manager to return to work; theater attendants brought them a bottle of red wine with accompanying glasses and a large bucket of popcorn, which Starlight set in her lap.

“Whew!” She breathed out a sigh, using her telekinesis to slide cloth sheathes over their horns. “It’s so our horns glowing doesn’t distract anyone.” She set her hoof in her wifes lap, relishing her blushy smile.

“What… what do you do for a living? Seriously?” Trixie asked, and Starlight waved her off with a giggle.

“I told you- I grease the unions, make sure it all runs smoothly.” She said as she poured their glasses of wine.

“Ladies and Gentlemen!” The manager stood on the stage and spoke, getting everyone’s attention. “Just as a final reminder, please be mindful of your fellow moviegoers all throughout! To ensure the best possible viewing experience for everyone, please be courteous to others… especially if you have kids.”

This got a few chuckles from the audience, Starlight included.

“Without further adieu… The Unicorn of Oz!” He bowed as he got off the stage, attendants pulling ropes to open the curtains. The lights dimmed slowly before a large one illuminated the screen.

Starlight leaned into her wife, taking a sip of her wine as the studio’s logo was shown, featuring a lioness roaring.

---

Trixie watched in wonder as the house seemingly flew through the air! Having seen plenty of movies before, she was well used to sepia tone… and that’s why at this point in the movie, she nearly forgot a crucial part of the movie’s advertising.

The girl left her home with a look of fear and trepidation on her face; the audience mirrored her shock as they all gasped aloud when the outside revealed greenery! Literal greenery! Flowers of many colors dominated the foreground; the background was an unrecognizable landscape, almost dream-like in its whimsical representation. There were oddly shaped mountains and trees in the distance, and the only purpose-made structure seemed to be a golden brick road.

“Tommy… I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore.” Kansas wasn’t a real place- it was simply made up for the film.

“Meow!” Her cat responded, playing in the leaves. Whispers sprang up in the theater- Look at that; I’ve never seen anything like it; How did they do it?

Starlight looked at her wife, smiling as she took in her look of total wonder and amazement. Her wife was adorable- and she belonged to her. She kissed her wife on the cheek, eliciting a giggle.

“I love you, darling.” Starlight whispered in her wifes ear.

“I love you toooo~” She whispered back, kissing Starlight on the cheek.

---

Anastasia awoke to the smell of burning; dazed, she looked around her room and saw her mother, writing at one the desks she would sit at in school. There was an inkwell on the corner, something she’d never used before, while her Mamma wrote with a pencil.

Oh, and her entire room was on fire.

“Wha- Ma!” She shouted, her mother just shrugging.

“What?” She asked, tossing the pencil into the flames. “Everything’s fine.” She reached for the inkwell and took a swig; obviously, the inkwell was full of alcohol.

“Mamma!” She chastised, unable to get out of bed. “Why are you drinking?” was the only question she could think to ask.

“Because you won’t leave me. You won’t run away.” Her mother shrugged, taking another swig of inkwell. “Because I won’t look for you. Your kid-sister can just be a replacement.”

The room seemed to go dead cold, the flames receding and turning into frost which lined her walls. Mamma sipped the inkwell.

“You’re a smart girl. I told you nothing was wrong!” She said with a shrug, falling to the floor with a thud.

Anastasia finally awoke with a gasp, frantically looking around her bedroom. Her Mamma lay on a rollout cot, snoring away. She wiped tears from her eyes as she got out of bed. Since her Mamma was on her side, she could easily squirm her way into her mothers arms, back resting against her belly.

---

Anastasia stirring in my arms is what woke me up that night; so I lifted my arm to make room for her.

“Thanks, Mamma…” She whispered as I snuggled her, noting that her fever felt much better to the touch.

“Of course, baby.” I draped my wing over her as I tried to get some shuteye.

…

“Mamma?” She asked, and I hummed. “Will I always be your favorite daughter?” She asked, and I couldn’t help but grin.

“Don’t tell your sister- but yeah. You’ll always be my baby… Always…” I kissed the back of her head, “Promise me you won’t tell!”

Anastasia giggled, “I promise, Mamma.”

I squeezed her a little tighter. “Good night, baby. Try and get some rest.”

“I will, Mamma.” She muttered, shutting her eyes to try and sleep.

I didn’t care if I got sick- I could deal with it. My baby’s suffering- I’m perfectly happy to try and take that away from her in whatever ways I could.

She’s my everything.

Diary Of An Unknown Soldier

View Online

---A Soldier---

As I write this entry, I can’t help but feel like I done a terrible, terrible thing. In fact, this is my first time writing a diary; My friend Paolo… rest his soul… used to write in one. He said it helped him to “deal with things,” as it were. I don’t know about all that- but if it’ll let me get some sleep at night, then I’ll write ‘till the cows come home.

To call me a patriot would be an understatement. ‘Since I was a boy, my daddy taught me to respect Don Leona Grimfeather for all she’s done for us and the syndicate. Until I was ten, we were scraping by on whatever peanuts they’d be willing to pay him… until the Union’s were established.

I love driving fast cars, getting stoned and listening to the radio with my girlfriend, and most of all… I love shooting guns. That’s why I volunteered for two months of the most rigorous training I’ve ever went through. That’s why when they told me I’d be spending the next three months in this hot, dusty hellhole… I said YES with all my might! Ultimately… it’s why I added two years to my actual age. I missed out on the honor and glory of the Dog Liberation War; I refused to sit this one out. I’m making my daddy and my nation proud… I hope.

I remember feeling excited when they handed me a rifle unlike any I’ve seen before! Or rather, I have seen them before… but the ones at the gun store are a little outta my budget! It’s called a lever-action, with a great big loop behind the trigger guard- this is how you cycle it. The hammer was external- cycling the lever moves the entire bolt out the back of the gun, leaving the hole for loading on top. It takes five slim, pointed rifle rounds called spitzers, fed from the top with something called a stripper clip- literally a thin strip of metal with 5 bullets on it. You just set it in the little guide rails, shove the bullets in, and pocket the clip.

Then there were the gatling guns; brass machines able to spit out more lead than anything should be able to. Smoke would pour out of them from the black powder cartridges, and even when they took a moment to replenish the gravity-fed ammo well, the droning RATATATATATATATATATATATA made my ears ring fiercely.

I was making my rounds on the western perimeter, relishing the cool of the late dusk when the klaxons started wailing. Field Marshall Ulysses screamed into the speaker systems;

“ALL TROOPS TO THE EASTERN PERIMETER! I REPEAT, ALL TROOPS TO THE EASTERN PERIMETER!”

I tossed my helmet on and started running, when-

“PASTICCIONE!” My commander yelled my surname, my arm jerking up to salute.

“YES SIR!” He waved his hand-

“FORGET THAT! HELP ME EVAC THE CIVILIANS!” I nodded, feeling my heart pounding in my throat. The wailing klaxons never stopped as we all worked together to herd the civilians onto the escape barge, ensuring everyone was alright.

But when the camp was clear and we made our way to the eastern perimeter, we were glad to finally see some action! We were all lined up next to each other along our trench line; by coincidence, I was standing next to Paolo.

“Joeyyy!” He greeted me by throwing a wing around my back. “Never thought you’d show!” He joked, and I rolled my eyes.

“And miss an opportunity like this?” I mused sarcastically, the two of us sharing a laugh. We’ve been friends since grade school- so naturally, when I signed on, so did he… “I was helping evac the civilians.” I explained.

“PRESENT” Echoed along the trench lines, and we all stuck our rifles in the air as we watched the cloud of dust on the horizon grow bigger. I’ll be honest- I never was good at eyeballing distance measurements. I just saw a line of dots on the horizon followed by a cloud of dust.

“I don’t think I’ll ever visit a beach again after this.” Paolo mused, making me feel a little less nervous as I chuckled. Sand got everywhere here; in your eyes, your guns, your clothes, your asscrack. I hated sand- It’s coarse and rough, gets everywhere, and I don’t care if that’s been said a thousand times before. When my firstborn eventually comes around, if they ever ask me to get them a sandbox… the answer will be a firm no.

“TAKE AIM!” Was echoed by multiple officers down the trench line, and we all obeyed; we propped our rifles up against the lip of our trench, our sides leaning against the wall for support. Admittedly, there is a flaw with this rifle. While it’s a beautiful, well-built piece of Griffonian engineering. It’s reliable, being rugged enough to not get jammed with sand after each shot despite the trigger assembly bursting out the bottom with the cycling of the lever. But the problem was the lever-action itself; you can’t shoot it while completely prone, and if you get too close to the trench wall, you might not be able to cycle it all the way… and the bolt likes to bite your cheek when you get too close to it… but I’d shot this piece at the range hundreds of times before.

“How many you think there are?” Paolo asked, and I shrugged.

“Couple hundred, I’d say.” But they were still too far to tell. “We waiting to say hello?” I asked rhetorically as the dust cloud grew.

“LADDER SIGHTS!” Echoed across the trench-line; this referred to the flip-up ladder sight. Flipped down, it was a simple flat iron sight. Flipped up at a 90 degree angle, the rear sight turns into a pinhole aperture in the center of an eye-sized dish. It can be lifted and adjusted using marked notches as a guide; ranging from 50 meters to, rather optimistically, 500 meters.

“You think they’ll surrender before the lateshift dinner?” Paolo asked with hope in his voice- Stomping could be heard on the scaffolding rampart behind us as more gatling guns were set up, and I heard directions and instructions being barked behind us… some of which didn’t sound like soldiers. On a whim, I dared a glance back.

Non-uniformed soldiers were running around the upper rampart, shaded by the tarps which hung above all our heads. They were attached to large poles behind the rampart and extended all the way to the trench-border.

No, no… civilians were hastily being taught how to assist our crew-mounted gatling guns. Not all the civilians- perhaps a hasty volunteer corps?

“Paolo?” I got my friend's attention, and he hmm’d. “There’s plain clothed civilians running around the upper deck.” I saw him blink in confusion, cocking an eyebrow.

“What? I thought they were on the boat already?” We both sat there in thought… then it slowly dawned on us. We have scout teams that patrol the desert at all hours, keeping an eye out for anything that… well, anything, really. The creepy stripes that would always watch us from the horizon stopped ever since we started paving the first roads towards our oil fields… about a week ago.

“Paolo.” I said, feeling a little concerned. “Someone higher up the chain than us knows exactly how many stripes there are.”

“HAMMERS!” The literal chain of command yelled across the line, and I cocked my rifle’s hammer and took aim. What was I aiming at? Dust and dots, pretty much.

“Guess we’ll find out… Joey, whatever happens, just know that you’re my best friend. Seriously.” I laughed, but it was devoid of any mirth. Good fuck, we were just kids. What were we thinking? What did we know?

“I love you, Paolo… Ah, like a brother!” I made sure to include that addendum quickly, the two of us sharing one final laugh together- “But seriously, man. I love you.” I was getting choked up, and I heard him sniffle. He opened his mouth to say something-

“FIFTH SQUAD, FIRE AT WILL!”

But it was drowned out by our captain signaling us to fire our first volley.

The indescribable percussive roar of our rifles going off had to be felt to be believed. The putrid stench of sulfur already hung thick in the air. I tried to see if I hit anything, but truthfully, I also lied about having perfect vision. The zebras in the distance looked a little blurry, but I was starting to make their shapes out.

I went to rack my rif- !!!

“What the-!” The lever was stuck!

The sound of thunder roared in my ear once more as I tried to rack my gun. More thunder, and I was half-panicking trying to get my lever to mo-

Click. I undid the safety latch that prevented the lever from moving, finally able to rack my gun. Smoke poured out of the chamber as I sent another round home. I fired quickly to catch up, eschewing aiming altogether, as even with perfect vision, he wouldn’t be hitting much.

SNAP! “AH!” I shouted in pain as an officers disciplinary crop smacked my arm. It stung, and tears threatened to fall down my cheeks as he screamed,

“AIM WHERE YOU SHOOT, KNUCKLEHEAD!” The crop pointed back downrange, and I opened the action to jam a stripper clip in. Since it would be faster, I just used my flattened-out palm to jam the bullets in-

“Tst! Ah!” the sheet-metal clip left a nasty slice along the right side of my left pointer finger. I wanted to scream and throw the sharp piece of metal, but I bit my beak and jammed it in my pocket, staining my khaki shirt with my blood. I closed the action with a satisfying clunk, ready to restart and-

“HOLY COW!” I yelled, “LOOK AT ALL THOSE FUCKIN’ STRIPES!” They were finally close enough that we could make out stripes. They screamed and yawped furiously as they charged into our gunfire, and I could just barely make out zebras tripping over their own.

BRATATATATATTATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATA!

The gatling guns finally roared to life as the zebras charged recklessly into their range. As zebra warriors trampled their own trying to get to us, more details made themselves visible. Many of them either wore simple animal hides for defense or nothing at all. Those few that did seem to have some sort of metallic armor on stood no chance against bullets. There were crossbowmen, who usually operate by staking a wooden shield into the ground for cover… Our bullets outranged and punched through their shields.

I lowered the aperture sight a bit as I took aim for a zebra who slammed his shield down in a desperate attempt to pot-shot our gatling guns.

I pulled the trigger, and the world seemed to go in slow-motion as my bullet sailed towards the zebra. A few chunks of wood from the shield were dwarfed by the spurt of blood that shot up behind it. His bolt landed far into the sand in front of us; adrenaline distracted me from the fact that I’d just murdered someone. They planned to attack first, and we were defending ourselves… Defending this empty fucking sandlot in the middle of the scorching desert. These stupid fucks were running into machine gun fire because they don’t want us to have it!

“HOW MANY ARE THERE!?” Paolo yelled over his screaming rifle, barrels smoking from the heat.

“WHY WON’T THEY STOP!?” Was what I wanted to know the most. I don’t think I’ve ever shot this many rounds through my gun before without stopping to clean it. In fact, we were specifically trained to never shoot this much without stopping to clean it… I just don’t think anyone realized how hard they’d fight for this sandlot. Gunpowder and the friction of bullets made my barrel so hot that it hurt to touch; soot coated my firing hand and caked my rifles action so much that the insides looked matte-black. As an afterthought, I hoped the cut on my hand getting filled with soot, dust, and salty sweat wouldn’t get… too infected. It burned like hell, though. Throbbing constantly, almost like my brain wanted to keep reminding me to reload properly. Cycling the action became more and more of a hand-exercise with every bullet.

When the whites of their eyes could finally be made out, operating the rifle like normal was no longer feasible; I used two thumbs to cock the hammer, thankful that soot hadn’t stuffed the sear. Then I’d bring the rifle up and literally beat the lever open against the lip of our trench, hoping and praying that the smoking hot spent cartridge, blackened with soot, wouldn’t get flung into my shirt; it’ll make you feel like a wasp flew into your collar and got stuck.

I heard gurgling somewhere a couple spots down from me- one of my squad-mates was writhing on the ground with a bronze bolt stuck in his neck. Their crossbowmen had been mostly wiped out at this point, except for a few lucky bastards that managed to get a shot off within range.

I swear, he was looking right at me in that moment I glanced in his direction; and the look of utter terror in his eyes at the face of death has yet to unburn itself from my mind.

The sun began to fall behind us; as such, bright flares were sent soaring over the zebras heads, and I noticed their shields had depictions of the Zebra Sun on them. It’s a striped design, representing both the sun in the daytime and the moon at night… or some other such tribal nonsense. But our flares were like miniature burning suns, arcing over the zebra’s heads and drawing their eyes; the gatling guns began to slow for some reason as clusters of zebras broke apart from the main group to run the other way… smart ones.

I smacked the ladder sight down as the remaining bunch- at least 800 or so zebras, continued their desperate charge. Then, one by one- the gatling guns were stopping. It was subtle at first, but somehow, the absence of the ripping-roar of gatling fire was chillingly deafening. There were no doubt half-yellings of What’s going on? And Where’s our suppressive fire going!? getting shouted out, many of us too afraid to turn around and look.

I witnessed the barrel of one of the gatling guns- so violently red hot that all the barrels had begun to sag and cock downward, rendering it too dangerous to use. Later on, I’d find out that some of them were getting so hot as to permanently deform the outer brass casing. All it’d take is for a single round cooking off at the wrong time to render the entire thing inoperable… which in many cases is exactly what happened. But the process took a while, gatling guns stopping one by one as they kept thinning their herd out.

“KYAAAAAHHH! MY HAAND!” I heard someone shout to my left, only two soldiers down; her scream is one that I doubt I’ll ever forget. She’d dropped her rifle, her left hand looking like she stuck it in a blender. “MY GUN BLEW UP! MY GUN BLEW UP!” She shouted at the top of her lungs; her rifle got so hot that the rounds in the magazine detonated… sending all kinds of shrapnel right into her off-hand.

I gulped, moving my still burning hand to the trigger, simply bracing my firing hand with it; I fired off the last round in my magazine just as the last gatling died with a bang. I heaved the hammer back and beat the lever open, another empty, smoking casing to join the piles at our feet. I reached in my ammo pouch, eyes widening as I pulled out my last stripper clip. I fumbled with it a little as the shouting zebras grew near. The bullets felt like they’d barely even fit, but I managed to ram them home.

Able to make out their facial expressions, I growled defiantly as I jabbed my rifle towards the lip of the wall to drive the lever home.

Bang!

Driving the round home this way must’ve made the sear slip, as the hammer fell as soon as the lever was closed. I jumped, as hearing a gun go off when you don’t expect one too will make anyone clench their cheeks, even if it just hit the dirt.

I wrestled the hammer back, and it set with a much softer click than normal. I performed some quick percussive maintenance… Also known as just beating the rifle off the trench wall. The hammer clicked forward, telling me there was something wrong with the sear. Normally, you can beat the hammer directly with a rock or something and it won’t budge…

Desperately, I tried cocking it again- but this time, there was no click. I pulled the hammer back and let it go multiple times; I hoped it wouldn’t mess up the firing pin too badly. Snap. Snap. Snap.

“FUCK!” I muttered under my breath; the zebras were approaching our camp, bathed in artificial sunlight from our flares. There must have been only a hundred left; a far cry from the actual thousands I later found out we fought off. Four-thousand zebras… and these were all that was left.

“AFFIX BAYONETS AND CHARGE!” We heard the commanding voice of Field Marshall Ulysses over the speakers. “SURROUND THEM! THERE’S 400 OF YOU, A HUNDRED OF THEM!”

My bayonet was sheathed at my side, and I was still fumbling with it when Paolo took flight out of the trench. Finally it clicked into place on the end of my rifle; I steeled my nerves as I prepared to charge into the melee.

Even now, a glass of whiskey is the only thing that’ll calm my nerves enough to think about what happened next… let alone write it down.

I climbed over the trench wall, holding my rifle-turned-spear under my arm. I narrowly avoided javelins as they were thrown around; I kept my bayonet pointed downwards, using my momentum from flying to skewer zebras that broke away from the group. I’d land on one and bury the point of my blade in its back or chest; By then, I was getting numb to the awful squelch and the subsequent blood splatter that comes from stabbing someone and rapidly moving to the next target.

“WE’RE ALMOST THERE!” I heard Paolo yell at me, the two of us mid-flight. “THEY’RE ALMOST WIPED!”

I turned with a relieved smile on my face, just as one of their javelins pierced his left side, puncturing his lung. “PAOLO!” He glided down, barely in control as he spun and crash-landed away from the combatants. I paid no mind to everyone else surrounding the last couple-dozen zebras to slaughter as I made my way to my best friend’s side.

“PAOLO!” I yelled again as I landed roughly, risking spraining something as I slammed down. Another flare was shot across the battlefield, the flickery light slowly revealing my friend as it rose. “Paolo!” My voice was barely above a whisper as I collapsed at his side, rolling him over to ask if he was alright.

“Oh, fuck…” His neck was bent at an unnatural angle; his eyes and beak wide open in shock, blood running down his chin. “Paolo?” My voice cracked at tears poured down my cheeks- I was in such disbelief, moving him was like moving a bag of potatoes… yet I was in denial. “Wake up, please!” The world around me didn’t exist anymore- it was simply me and my best friend.

“Please, you-you gotta…gotta be a-a-alright…” I could already feel him growing colder, my head pressed to his chest to listen for any sign of a heartbeat. I thought that if I could hear something, even the faintest heartbeat, I could save him. “You-you can’t -sniff- can’t do this to me, b-bro!” I was thankful my nose was blocked, as the scent of rot and blood was already clinging to the sand. “I… I promised your daddy you’d be back safe!” I screamed as I wrapped my arms around him, crying into my best friend's cooling chest.

“I… I’M SORRY!” I screamed at the top of my lungs, hoping he’d somehow hear me. “PLEASE, I WANNA TAKE IT BACK!” I never should’ve convinced his father to let him sign up. I told him he’d be safe with me- that we’d both come back as heroes. Why wasn’t it me? Why wasn’t it me? “I DIDN’T… I DIDN’T THINK ANYTHING WOULD HAPPEN! WE’RE BROTHERS! WE’RE SUPPOSED TO BE THERE FOR ONE ANOTHER-HER-HER!” I could barely form words anymore, babbling apologies into his uniform while the world went on around me.

I felt a large wing drape over my back, calming me down significantly.

“M-Ma’?” It honestly felt like my mother had somehow arrived in this hellhole to comfort me… Only to see the imposing figure of Field Marshall Ulysses standing at my side.

“WHADAGA!” I vocalized, “FIELD MARSHALL ULYS- GAH!” In my startled excitement, I somehow thumped my forehead trying to salute.

“At ease… Joey, right?” He asked casually, and I finally met his soft gaze, utterly juxtaposed by his rough, gravelly voice emanating from behind a bandanna. “You and Paolo here were friends, I take it?”

I sniffled, that paralyzing grief returning as I turned my gaze downward, nodding slowly.

“L-lifelong, Sir.” He put a wing around my back and grabbed my rifle as we headed back towards camp.

“No sense in staring at a corpse.” He said plainly, and I meekly nodded my head in agreement. “The wounded won’t take long to stabilize- and lucky him, he’ll have an open casket funeral.”

I shuddered when he brought Paolo up again, my beak trembling as I tried to hold it together.

“Believe me, that's a good thing.” He gestured off to the side… where a griffon lay with a javelin through his face. I cringed, looking away as fast as possible. “Or, you could’ve wound up like me.” His eyes gave off the impression of a smile as he lifted the bandanna, revealing his stiff, emotionless prosthetic beak.

“I g-guess.” I muttered as we turned into the medical building; a long log structure, quite simply.

“Nurse.” Ulysses growled, one of the nurses yelling back- There were surprisingly few that were wounded; compared to the slaughter that just took place, this was a slow day to the nurses. We were approached by one of the prettier ones- but I was so out of it, I barely noticed. It stung like hell when she cleaned the wound on my hand, bandaging it up for me while I remained dazed.

Then, Ulysses brought me to his quarters, instructing me to take a seat on a small wooden table. He produced a flask from his pocket and passed it to me.

“Drink. It’ll help.” I hated my Daddy’s whiskey because it made me cringe every time I took a sip… but despite that, I took a good couple swigs from the flask, trying to focus on the burning more than anything else. “Take a couple minutes to relax before you join in the cleanup.”

My eyes shot open, shaking my head rapidly as I set the flask down. “I-I can’t- can’t go back…” I didn’t wanna go back. “F-field Marshall, please! I wanna go home!” I cried, ashamedly looking off to the side and muttering, “I want my Ma’ and my Daddy… I wanna see them! Please!” I begged, and Ulysses just gave me a flat look.

“You knew what you were signing up for, boy.” He said, taking a swig from his flask. “A soldier’s work is never done, and it waits for no-one.” So after all that? After all I went through already, I had to go back? Wasn’t what I already gave enough!?

“P-Please, Sir!” I was begging, ready to grovel if necessary. “I-I told the recruiter I was eighteen! Please, I’m only sixteen, I haven’t even finished high-school!” I whimpered, “I-I’ll come back when I’m grown! Just… I wanna go home…” I buried my face in my palms, still filthy from the trenches. It felt like every hair and feather was matted down with coarse sand and dried blood, and I hated it. “I-I’m just a kid, I don’t belong here!”

I just shuddered while Ulysses sat there in silence.

“A kid?” He chuckled, showing me my rifle. “What kid’s gun looks like this?” It was caked in soot, sand, and blood. It mixed with the soot and trailed down the barrel as it dried, and not a single part of it still shined. “Whether you accept it or not, you’re a man now. Soldiers out there fought and bled just like you did, and they’re already cleaning their rifles so we’re not defenseless if more come. Or do you regret the act of killing itself?”

I shrugged… but after a few moments thought, my mind could only reach one answer.

“Sir, my only regret is that I didn’t get more of those stripey fucks.” They murdered my best friend- fuck ‘em. “You know I shot one in the head, right through his shield earlier!”

Ulysses huffed a mirthless chuckle, putting a hand on my shoulder. “Go back to the barracks to clean your rifle and restock on ammo. After that, join your fellow soldiers in zebra cleanup… before the morning sun starts fumigating the entire desert in corpse stink.”

He shoved the rifle back into my arms; I simply nodded, realizing he had a point. What makes me special? I went through the same hell everyone else did. And now, we all have to work for many more hours to ensure things don’t get substantially worse tomorrow.

Back at the barracks, most were wordlessly scrubbing away at their rifles. As I watched my fellow soldiers scrub their rifles, using their bed-trunk as a table… I couldn’t help but draw parallels to my current state. Like mine, their khaki-colored uniforms were stain-dyed from dust, soot, sweat, and blood.

I unrolled my cleaning kit and got to work, disassembling my rifle and spreading the parts out on my trunk. Looking around, I also noticed- while most were caked head-to-toe in dirt on their uniforms, a few wore relatively clean looking pants. They were part of our uniforms to keep sand from immediately filling our fur; as it turns out, those now wearing clean pants wet themselves at some point or another during the half-hour battle. But despite this, no-one made fun of them or saw any less of them for it. I couldn’t bring myself to do that, anyway; I can only feel sympathy for how awful of a situation that would’ve been, and I’m thankful I wasn’t the one fighting in pissed pants.

The night went on, and soon, all of our rifles had been cleaned long before we even had a chance to clean ourselves. But for cleaning up the battlefield? We didn’t know how the fuck we’d pull it off.

There were so. many. corpses. But if there was a silver lining here, Paolo had been taken away in my absence, thank goodness. They numbered in the thousands, we numbered in the hundreds; we gave up on digging mass graves about two hours in, instead electing to drag them into organized piles to burn with gasoline.

We were working well into the next day, piling corpses and lighting them up. Despite our best efforts, bodies had already begun putrefying in the hot desert sun; nothing kept that smell from hitting your nostrils. It was as if the sand itself were rotting, and I was worried this desert would never smell neutral again. It was all hands on deck- so even if we had the time to stop and eat, nothing would’ve stayed down anyway. That night, we finally got a proper meal consisting of heated emergency rations; and despite the fact that I’d never even heard of hardtack before… it was surprisingly terrible. The smell permeating the air made me queasy as I forced the so-called “hellfire stroganoff” down; at one point, I’d bit down on what I thought was the tooth of some animal they used for the meat.

Turns out? It was just bread. Bread. I almost chipped my beak on bread. I guess people who came in the army before I were made of tougher stuff, because this used to be part of the standard rations! But you may be asking; why are we on emergency rations? Did zebras run off with our food?

No. Some fucking bozo left one of the ovens running in the kitchen… which is why the gatling gun fire started slowing halfway through- they needed someone to help put out the fire! All this was happening fifty feet behind me, and I never realized until after the fact!

But, anyways… we quickly got word that within a few days, we’d all have a two-week leave while a new set of soldiers would be left behind to guard Dustbowl. Some of us cried tears of joy when we heard the news. A lot of us started celebrating, jumping for joy in our shared victory… but I remained stoic.

The ship took us back to mainland Griffonia where trains awaited to return us to our home towns, scattered across the Syndicate. Civilians crowded the docs, cheering and celebrating our return! Balloons were released, black and gold confetti flew, and the Syndicate’s banner flew off poles, scattered about like wildflowers.

The Battle for Dustbowl had made national news in Griffonia, evidently. The papers told an embellished story about how 400 soldiers fought off an army of 4000 zebras with only guns… Not embellished, actually- sanitized. There were many mentions and memorials to our fallen and wounded- that one woman had to have her left hand amputated from when her rifle’s magazine blew.

But not a single article had the balls to mention the stench, or what we did to the bodies. Especially after the fight, when we were cleaning up- more than a few soldiers would laugh and piss on them before chucking them unceremoniously into the grave. Others drove knives into the bodies out of a feeling of defiant anger. Some guys would get bored and shoot the corpses with their rifles, just to see what would happen. I couldn’t bring myself to do any of that stuff, though; even if I wanted to, none of it would bring Paolo back. And if, heavens forbid, we lost the battle- well, I’d at least hope mine and Paolo’s corpses would be treated with basic dignity. There was even a corpse that somehow had a boner- so for a laugh, one of the women tried stroking it to see what would happen- much to the amusement of her compatriots.

But, anyways- I didn’t bother sticking around for any of the celebrations. I had two weeks before I’d be returning to Dustbowl; I had something dire to take care of. I was still in my khaki scrubs when I stopped by the flower shop to pick up a bouquet.

My girlfriend was named Katrina; I called her Katy-kay.

“Katy-Kay!” I called out to her, knocking on the door to her parents home. Her father’s Ben’s wasn’t in the driveway; that’s why I had such high hopes.

“Joeeeyyyyy!” I couldn’t help myself, throwing my arms around her and pressing my beak into hers. “G-goodness! You’ve gotten strong!” She glanced around flustered at being suddenly pulled into such an intimate hug in her own doorway. Despite her being a year older than I, I loved her so, so much…

“It’s because I’m a man now, Katrina.” Her pupils shrank, a blush across her cheeks when she heard my voice.

“Goodness… Even the way you talk is…” She started, and I interrupted.

“Different? I dunno how!” I admit- I’ve gotten a little more… reserved since it happened. I gave her a smirk, gesturing for her to back up with my hand. I shut the door behind me gently- presenting the bouquet to her, which she took with a giggle. “Katrina, can I be honest with you?”

She swallowed and nodded, and I chuckled. “We’re not getting any younger- and what we have, I want to last forever.” I tilted the bouquet, almost daring her to look closer. I heard her gasp in disbelief as she slowly pulled one of the roses out of the bouquet. A shiny diamond ring was tied to the stem… and it was hers. “Let’s get married. Why wait?” I asked rhetorically.

“I-I… but my father wouldn’t like that!” I just gave her a wide grin.

“Who fought off four-thousand fucking zebras? Me, or hi-!” She thrust her face into mine, wrestling my beak away from me.

“YES! YES, JOEYYYY!” Tears of joy streamed down her face as she threatened to shove me to the ground.

“You were my first stop. What say you and I break the news?” If I’m old enough to commit murder for the state, then the state better fucking grant me that marriage certificate.

There was also a large banquet held in Fertilia- all the soldiers and civilians that helped to defend Dustbowl would be there, all expenses paid. The Don wanted to thank us all herself- which would be my first time seeing her in person, rather than hearing her over the radio. She got on stage and delivered a heartfelt speech- one which I… wasn’t paying attention to. I was just… in awe, feeling inadequate in front of one of the Syndicate’s greatest heroes… even if she is a little… larger than I imagined. But for someone in her position, who could blame her for gaining some weight?

She actually called us onto the stage by name to personally shake our hands; she’d turn the mic off, allowing us to return to our quiet conversation… but when she spoke into the mic, everyone went dead silent.

“Joey Pasticcione. Please, come on stage.” She spoke into the mic plainly before clicking it off, giving whoever she was speaking to some discretion.

“That’s my husbannnnddd!” My girlfriend sing-songed as my Daddy slapped me on the back.

“Atta boy! I didn’t think I could ever feel this proud!” If Ma’ wasn’t here, I’m sure he’d be shouting THAT’S MY BOY! Every chance he got.

“Just be careful what ya’ say, alright!” Ma’ nagged, earning a nod from me. In other words, she was telling me don’t embarrass us!

As I made my way up the stage, the conversations slowly returned. I wanted to hesitate, but I forced myself forward- I was a man. Men don’t back down. On the left side of the stage was the table her inner circle/family was residing at; chatting away much like everyone else in the crowd. The Don stood a good ten feet away from them, greeting me on the stage with a warm… almost motherly smile. Perhaps this is where the moniker of Godmother came from?

“Don Grimfeather.” I stood at attention with a salute, and she just chuckled.

“At ease. Call me Leona.” She casually held her hand out, and I didn’t hesitate to shake it. “And I’m sorry for your loss.”

I blinked in shock- “Wait, how did-” She chuckled, explaining-

“I like to know how my people are feeling, as it makes it easier to fix problems before they fester.” She let go of my hand, and I held it in the air momentarily before standing like normal. “You really shouldn’t be standing there. You’re too young- tragically so.” She had a glint in her eye- and I just shrugged.

“Let’s not pretend I’m innocent.” I said, wondering what would happen now. “I just lied about my age. Didn’t stop me from performing the same duties as everyone else.”

“It’s not about capability. But you’re definitely not innocent… at least, not any more. I… I can sympathize.” This “Leona-” is nothing like the Don I’d imagined. She spoke without the optimistic grandeur with which she normally dictated; before me was just a regular woman. And a soldier- just like me. “If you don’t wanna go back, just say the word. Your destiny is your own- but this is your last chance to back out. No-one’ll think any less of you- especially not me.”

“I’ll think less of me. My family will think less of me… my soon-to-be wife will think less of me. My unborn baby will think less of me.” I explained simply. “I will defend the Syndicate to the last because it’s the path I’ve chosen.” She gave me a wide grin, putting a hand on my shoulder.

“Your bravery makes the Syndicate proud, Joey. It makes me proud. I probably don’t even need to tell you how proud your family is.” She pointed to our table where my entire family was staring at us with excitement painted on their faces. My father waved his hand, and both Leona and I waved back… but she shook her head faintly when she looked at me.

“They don’t have a fuckin’ clue…” she muttered, adding- “What it’s like, I mean.” I just nodded slowly, wordlessly.

“I’d rather keep it that way.” I said, nervously shuffling as I prepared to ask about something.

“So uhm… I know I’d normally have to wait to get married, but-” I started explaining the situation between me and Katy-Kay…

“Done. I’ll officiate it myself if you want.” My eyes shot open at the utter lack of hesitation on her part. “You two are gonna be getting married, you said? And you got a kid on the way?” I just chuckled, unable to resist responding-

“Yeah, I’ve been real busy since I got back!” The two of us shared a laugh,

“HAH! Oh, believe me- when I came back from that last den, about half the time I spent with my wife was behind a locked door!” She joked… causing her wife to speak up from her table.

“Huh? What’d you say?” The Empress spoke, Leona waving her off.

“I wasn’t talkin’ to you!” She said, turning to me- “Look, kid, are you sure you wanna get married?” She put a wing around my back, saying sarcastically- “Believe me, it’s more trouble than it’s worth!” I couldn’t help but laugh aloud.

“You know, my Daddy says the same thing!” She went into a full-on cackle- and believe me, hearing the fucking Don laughing like that was something I’d never heard before. She was guiding me towards the stage’s exit, saying-

“And you know? Before I forget, I’m just gonna send your wedding gift in advance. Keep an eye out in the mail!” She said mysteriously- and I tried to be humble, I really did.

“No, no, I- I couldn’t-” The… glare she gave me… I backpedaled instantly “S-sorry, uh… thank you! I… I appreciate it, I really do!” The glare softened, a smirk gracing her beak.

“You know what, just for that wisecrack?” She reached into her coat and pulled out… a wad of bills. “Take this too! Kye-hahaha!” She laughed as she shoved the fat stack of bills into my suit pocket, all but shoving me off the stage.

So… imagine our surprise when we drove to my wife's house… only to find a four-seater Ben’s in the driveway. For the Betrothed! Said a note on the steering-wheel, the keys already in the ignition. Compared to her own parent’s car, it was a fucking down-payment on a house in value! Their clapped out old People’s Car was like a mutt next to a purebred.

Before my two weeks were up, I personally made sure that by the time I returned home from the sandbox, I’d have a wife and child waiting for me. I don’t care if I have to kill 4000 more zebras by myself; for what I did to Paolo, it is my atonement. He had no business being here- and now I do. His parents won’t forgive me, and I don’t want their forgiveness. I wanted Paolo’s forgiveness- and maybe this way, I could earn it. Earn it so that he’ll forgive me in whatever Hell we were both destined to.

I just heard a foghorn- signaling that we’d be landing ashore Dustbowl soon. Mamma, Daddy- if this is the last thing I ever write, I love you both. To my Dearly Beloved- I’m sorry to have let you down.

Fat Bottomed Girls

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“I don’t give a fuck, Ben! You know, I don’t know if you’ve realized this, but you only have your company because I made that possible!” I yelled into the phone, “So if I ask you to comp me a car as a favor, then you will comp me a fucking car. End of discussion!”

Clack!

I hung up the receiver- then hung my head in my hands with a sigh. My wife moved around behind my desk chair, gently rubbing my shoulders to try and relieve some of the stress I felt.

“Baby, please. You’re getting worked up over nothing.” I groaned, facepalming lightly and dragging it down the side of my face.

“I spent four fucking days taking care of my sick baby; not five minutes after I’m back, we get the news that we massacred five thousand fuckin’ zebras!” I punched my desk, “Some fuckin’ sixteen year-olds lied about their age, and one of them got knocked outta’ the sky and broke his neck!”

“There’s nothing we can do about that, honey.” Dee just intoned plainly, and I groaned.

“Dee… Someone lost a son, I will not take this lightly; but what the fuck can I do?” I lit up a cigarette, gesturing for my wife to crack a win- she yanked the cigarette out of my mouth and crushed it in my ash-tray.

“Not while I’m around!” She nagged, and I rolled my eyes, unable to bother arguing.

“His parents are expecting answers! They want a full-on investigation into how he was allowed in!” According to Ulysses, the kid, Joey, said he convinced his friends’ parents to let him go; even if they’re projecting their guilt, it’s still awful!

“He lied about his age. What more information do they want or need?” Dee said- and I felt like I wanted to scream. She moved to the other side of my desk and leaned in, “Honey- we’ll pay ‘em off and move on. Just like always.” I just rolled my eyes.

“Look, I know it’s asking a lot, but could you at least pretend to feign some empathy for once?” I asked frankly, not even bothering to look her in the eyes. “They lost a son, Dee! Their baby!” I looked up just in time to flinch at her backhoof swing.

Thwap.

“Agh!” I winced, cheek stinging from the (mercifully light) slap.

“Do you think that hasn’t been on the forefront of my mind too!?” she yelled, jabbing her hoof into my chest. I flinched, my upper arms constricting my body as if to defend itself.

“Sorry! I’m sorry, I-I love you, I didn’t mean it!” She shook her head, rolling her eyes.

“And I love you too, don’t you fucking forget it!” She looked me in the eyes and growled; I nodded my head rapidly, unable to formulate a proper response. “I’ll take care of it if it’s such a big fucking deal!” As much as I wanted to say yes, I hesitated. “I got shit to do. Smoke a fucking joint or something- because if you’re this mopey during Anastasia’s birthday party, I’m gonna be upset.”

She stormed off in a huff, slamming my office door shut behind her.

“I’M SORRY!” I shouted, hoping she’d hear somehow. Realistically, she was right; and as long as I don’t find out how the situation gets taken care of, I’m more than happy to live in ignorance… and who am I to say no to an offer like that?

It was early morning, and Anastasia’s birthday wouldn’t be until after she got home from school; So naturally, she decided to try pretending to be sick to stay home. Her fever had long-since broken, her movement isn’t nearly as lethargic, and she puts up a fight every time I try to clean her nose. She’s fine.

“Oh, oh no! I’ve seen this before! Do you know what it is?” I said, standing next to her bedside with a deadly serious expression; giving her the impression that I believed her.

“What is it? Cough, cough!” Her coughing was obviously forced, and the nervous look started increasing.

“It looks like a terrible case of LBS.” I said ominously.

“W-What’s that?” She asked, and I gave her a wide grin.

“Lazy Bum Syndrome.” She groaned in annoyance and crossed her arms, and I laughed while ruffling her feathers, “Now get! Breakfast is almost done!”

But, anyways... Might as well get stoned. It’ll enhance the food preparation, at least.

---

For Celestia, looking down at the same sparsely-tree’d river valley from her private Villa… just wasn’t the same as it used to be. But she’d been asked a question- a difficult one, at that. Sitting on a large pillow, she peered out at the surprisingly short horizon; for her villa, snuggled within the crest of a valley, was surrounded by much taller mountains. Compared to the beacon-esque view of Equestria offered by the Sunlight Tower of Canterlot Castle, this was but a smaller frame of a bigger picture. She puffed away at her pipe, and with a deep breath, finally came to a conclusion.

“I’m… content.” she said, taking another draw, avoiding the disapproving look of her doctor- nicknamed Banana Ann by some.

“But are you happy? Honestly, truly, happy?” She reiterated the question as she leaned into the arm of her seat, and Celestia sighed.

“Do you want the truth, then? Do you really want to know what I’m thinking?” Celestia wasn’t sure why she was so upset- for Ann just gave her that same kind smile she always did.

“Go ahead- take your time.” She encouraged calmly, and Celestia sighed heavily.

“I’m not going back!” She said, refusing to make eye contact. “Why is it that when I’m asked if I’m happy, that’s what my mind wanders to!?” Ann tilted her head, a look of concern and worry on her face.

“Go back? You mean a relapse?” Her confusion was understandable- it wasn’t a confession she made often.

“The throne. The crown weighs as much as Sol for heaven’s sake!” She was referring to the sun, laughing a mirthless, hollow laugh. “I-I can’t do it! After so long, I fear the stress and-and pain would break me!” She ranted, tears forming in the corners of her eyes.

Ann got out of her chair, hobbling to the Princess. “May I?” Celestia nodded, scooting over so Ann could lean into her side.

Celestia giggled. “Goodness. What is it about ponies that makes us unable to resist physical affection?” She mused, sniffling while wiping a tear from her eye. She held her wing out and gestured- “May I?” Ann had scarcely nodded when the Princess wrapped a wing around her back.

“I love my little ponies, Ann. And I’m not saying that like a politician does; when my ponies are hurting, I’m hurting.” Celestia sighed as she explained- “But… having to go through that constant pain for thousands and thousands of years is agony. Blueblood was an utter bastard- but news of his death is what sent me into that last nightmarish vision.” She scowled, scoffing at herself in disgust. “Call me selfish- because I know I’m selfish.” She huffed momentarily before Ann spoke up.

“I’m still not judging you. Never have, never will. And you have a perfectly valid point, too!” Celestia took a couple slow breaths, trying to calm down. Easier said than done, however.

“Equestria is my rock, in more than one sense. It’s my rock, in that it’s a place of comfort, strength, and safety- my rock in the storm.” Her hopeful tone grew bitter as she said- “And it’s my rock, in the sense that the gods have forced me to roll it up a fucking mountain for eternity. I made some mistakes thousands of years ago, only for them to catch up and make me slip when things were finally looking good!” Truthfully, she’d been bottling this up for a long time. “I don’t have eternity in me! I’m just a woman!” Tears were flowing freely now, and Ann did what she could do to provide comfort.

“Scream into the void as much as you need. I’ll be here listening.” In other words- Pay no mind to me. Let it out.

“When you’re at the top of the pyramid, all the eyes are on you, all the time! Every mistake you make is laid bare to see! It’s constant anxiety keeping me from any restful sleep! It’s stress so bad as to cause ulcers! Ponies relied on me so much, it was a wonder they could function on their own!” She ranted, unable to physically give a fuck anymore as she threw her pipe at the ground and sniffled. “Let the ponies have their self determination or whatever buzzword they’re calling it! See what good it does them!” She crossed her arms, hanging her head with a sigh.

“Are you looking for a solution? Or did you just need to vent?” Celestia hovered a handkerchief over, using it to blow her nose. She snorted into it deeply, exhaling with a whinny-esque sound; cringing as the awful, slimy rag floated into a nearby trash bin.

“Sorry you had to see that.” She said with a sheepish blush. Ann just giggled-

“I’ve seen worse.” Celestia rolled her eyes, looking off to the side with a heavy sigh.

“What… what solution?” She said, shaking her head. “I legally can’t take the throne back, not to mention the PR nightmares- Twilight would have to give it up to me, and I couldn’t just utterly destroy her reputation like that. The ponies wouldn’t forgive her- they’ll probably see it as Twilight’s incompetence forcing me out of retirement!” Something… something in the way Celestia said that seemed… odd to Ann. She had a hunch that may not have been the full truth… but she didn’t have enough information to pry.

“Well… who said you had to be on top?” Ann asked, and Celestia opened her mouth.

“That’d never work! I… I…” Celestia blinked, rubbing her chin and humming. “Be honest with me, Ann. Has anything happened in the news lately? For my mental health, I’ve been avoiding the sensationalism of public radio in favor of direct, unbiased reports from my sister… but there’s something she’s not telling me.” Celestia explained, huffing like a petulant child. “Every time I’ve brought up the lack of updates this week, she tries to derail the conversation or claims telephone connectivity issues!” Though to be fair- the remoteness of her house did cause a little bit of that last thing.

Ann… felt a pit drop in her stomach. Widespread concern and stress over recent events has caused at least a few of her own patients to relapse; they catastrophized the event so bad, they figured there was no point going on sober… but thankfully, they all invariably came back for help.

“Please, don’t be nervous. You can tell me- you’re safe here.” Ann… felt comforted beneath Celestia’s wing. Before the return of Princess Luna, certain ponies referred to her as Mother Equestria, probably for this very reason, she reckoned.

Ann took a deep breath. “The Griffons set up an illegal settlement out in the edge of the Zebra desert- likely to extract oil, they believe.” Celestia let out a brief sigh of relief- one which caught in her throat. “There was a… a massacre.”

“A wh-cough!” she held a hoof to her mouth for a brief moment, recentering herself by holding a hoof to her chest and breathing in. “What happened?”

Ann shrugged, having not read much of the news out of a personal choice. What she did know, is that a lot of ponies are afraid of the griffons invading, now.

“There was… allegedly… an outpost of 400-ish soldiers and 100-ish civilians. For transgressing into their ancient territories, the Shah of Irem sent an army of around… now, I’ve heard a few estimates thrown around… but the agreed upon final number seems to be 4000…ish.” Celestia blinked incredulously.

“Five hundred vers- No. No, that can’t be right.” Celestia huffed nervously, tapping her hoof into her pillow. “Ann… thank you. Sincerely.” Celestia stood up, and Ann was painfully aware of when she left the Princesses embrace. “I have to make a phone call, if you don’t mind sticking around. Lunch should be ready soon! I want you to join me!”

---

“Un-fuckin’ believable!” I slapped the newspaper with the back of my hand in rage, lifting another joint up to my beak. Mamma and I were on the porch, letting our lunch settle before we went back to the food preparations. It was a copy of the Manehattan Post- one of a short stack of Equestrian newspapers I liked to look at every now and then.

I sparked the joint angrily, starting it with a quick few puffs.

“Why do you look at those pony newspapers? They always seem to make you angry.” I was barely through my second puff when she was holding her hand out for me to pass it.

I let out a deep sigh, exhaling my pre-pass puff with contentment. “It’s good to know what the general public thinks of you- even in foreign nations, good PR is important.” And harder to build than a fucking credit score, evidently. “But I’m not that fat!”

The front page in question was illustrated with a cartoon caricature of me, sitting at a dinner table with a map of the Equestrian continent. My fork had removed a large chunk of the zebra desert, and I couldn’t help but cringe at the hideous look of lust and gluttony the artist used to represent my face… due to the overall shape of my body in this depiction, I’m willing to bet the artist draws ladies like that more often than you’d expect. Does she look like the kinda griffon to leave a dinner plate unfinished? Was the caption.

Swip!

Mamma ripped the paper out of my hands, tearing it into pieces and throwing it into the trash bin. I stood there in shock for a moment- before I finally shrugged.

“Thanks, Ma.” I said, rolling my eyes and leaning back in the chair. “Pass it- Ah, what the fuck! You chiefed it!” I yelled outraged, “Give it back!” She was snorting in laughter, holding my joint in her far hand.

“I didn’t hear please, honey.” She said with a smirk- and I just rolled my eyes, pulling another one out of my vest pocket.

“Please?” I said sarcastically, sparking another joint. Mamma’s face morphed into a serious expression, and I was mentally preparing to get bitched out.

“Snrk… Kye-hahahaaa!” She snorted, unable to keep a straight face as the sativa did its thing. Then, we were both distracted by the sound of a car coming up the driveway; Dee’s new car was a beautiful green four-door with wood side paneling and a lift-gate back hatch. Her V8 engine makes her car shorter and faster than mine; my straight-8 is rapidly becoming outdated, and I couldn’t be happier!

“DEE!” I leaned over the balcony to wave down at my wife. “Honeeyyyy! I missed youuuuu!” I yelled over the balcony. “Honeyyyy! I’m up here!” I was yelling as she parked outside the main door. She got out of the car… along with Silver Spoon and… I muttered under my breath, ‘What the fuck is he doing here!?’ It’s bad enough I embarrassed myself in front of Silver Spoon, but fucking Truffle Shuffle?

“Ugh… I gotta go down and meet ‘em. You good up here?” I asked, and she raised her hand up-

“Honey, what’s wrong?” She asked, concerned. I just shrugged, setting my joint in the ash-tray.

“Nothing, Ma’.” I didn’t even face her, just gliding down into my front lawn.

My wife greeted me with a giggle, running over for a hug. “You dork!” She teased- and yeah, I was acting like a dork back there. I chuckled as I greeted her, kissing her on the cheek. I then turned to Silver Spoon-

“So, my wife finally wants me to meet you?” I said, realizing I hadn’t actually seen her since her arrival! We were good friends, having made up for our practically ancient history long ago. She was one of the few people invited to our private wedding; she started forgiving us right around the same time Dee learned what “subtlety” meant.

She rolled her eyes and giggled, opening her arms for a quick, friendly hug. Then I turned towards her husband, putting on a fake smile when I wanted to run and hide.

“Truffles! Almost didn’t recognize ya’, man!” He jumped when I spoke, his nervousness… quite evident by his speech.

“L-Leona! Long time no see?” He said as I approached,

“Heck yeah! You look fuckin fantastic, bud!” I figured if I flattered him, he wouldn’t break my balls about how I was the fatass now. “I saw you from a distance and said, who is this handsome fuck on my lawn?” I joked, laughing casually. He chuckled as I reached my hand out to shake.

“Th-Thank you!” He stuttered. We shook, and he smiled. “H-hey! How the tables’ve t-turned, huh?”

You could’ve heard a pin drop, my right hand gripping his right hoof as tight as I could.. “Y-You know! We used to be E-Equest-trian citizens, n-now y-you’re the b-boss!” After what for him must’ve been a few agonizing moments… I chuckled, my grip loosening.

“Long time no see indeed, ya’ stutterin’ prick!” My tone made it sound like one of endearment, the two of us going into a half-assed quick hug.

“Leona, help us bring the food in!” That was why I allowed Dee to invite Silver Spoon- her husband was a chef… what I didn’t assume was that Dee had the fucking nerve to embarrass me like this.

“Coming, dear!” I said cheerfully, turning to Truffles- “Keep up! I’ll show the way.” I only said that with a little snark.

Mamma had returned to her own preparations as we shoved various salads and sauces in the fridge.

“Oh, that reminds me!” I piped up, getting my wife's attention. “Dee, there’s a screw loose on the cabinet that we keep the cooking booze locked in. Can you help me fix it? I just need you to hold the one hinge in place.” I said hastily, all but dragging her down into the basement as I blurted out my (plausible enough) explanation.

“Wha- why now?” She asked, upset that I dragged her from her thrilling conversation with Silver Spoon.

“Where the fuck do you get off embarrassin’ me like that?” I fumbled for the hanging light above our heads, finally tugging it on. I huffed, crossing my arms and waiting for an explanation; she just blinked, giving me a look of confusion.

“The fu- wha, did-” she sat on her flanks, holding her hooves up in a what d’ya want from me? Gesture. “First of all, Silver Spoon’s my friend! I invited her, and she offered to have her husband cook some good pony food! Did you think I wasn’t gonna invite him?” I just groaned in annoyance- there was no getting out of this.

“I know, I know, it’s just…” Subconsciously, my wings moved to cover my sides and hips. “I-I’m sensitive, alright!” I sheepishly averted my gaze- and when I felt her arms wrap around me, I flinched.

“Ohh, honey- is that what this is all about?” I wrapped my arms around her, never wanting to leave her embrace. “Baby, he’s not gonna make fun of you!” I sighed petulantly.

“Yeah, but he’s thinking it!” I said, feeling my wife gently stroking my back. “Earlier he looked at me and said, how the tables have turned! He was making fun of me!” I felt her lightly slap my back.

“You’re overthinking it!” She pulled back and put her hooves to my shoulders, looking me right in the eyes. “Even Silver Spoon tells me what an awkward fuck he can be! He was just nervous and didn’t think about his exact phrasing. You remember how he was in school! I didn’t think he could physically talk to girls, let alone bag Silver Spoon!” I admit, I snorted before the two of us burst out into laughter. I sighed, pulling her in for more hugging.

“I’m sorry I lost my temper this morning…” She muttered into my chest, voice cracking like she was about to cry, “My hormones’ve been all out-of-whack lately, a-and, I-” I shushed her gently.

“It’s okay baby, it’s okay.” I petted her mane gently, “I was being unreasonable with you too. I’m sorry.” I couldn’t help but sigh, “I gotta go on a diet… tomorrow.” Maybe. We’ll see. At least once the leftovers are whittled down. Why is food so fucking good?

“Honey!” My wife said flatly, separating our hug again. “Ex-er-size! Weight loss is just burning more calories than you take in. That’s it!” She giggled, poking my chest. I rolled my eyes, giggling-

“Easy for you to say! You munch on dried grass and clover!” She laughed, pointing at me and saying-

“Don’t make me come over there!” We leaned in to hug one more time, and she kissed my cheek. I started heading up the stairs, thankfully feeling much better than bef-

“Wait, stop.” She said, making me stop as soon as my hands went up the first step. She approached me from behind slowly.

“What’re you-” SMACK! “Kyaah!” Right across my asscheeks. I whined petulantly, and Dee giggled madly. SMACK! “Ahhh! Whyyy!”

“I… I really like the jiggle…” She admitted sheepishly, and my eyes widened in disbelief. “And it… it makes you really fun to cuddle and squeeze…” She really likes it?

“I… oh uh… thanks, hon-” SMACK! “AH! Baaaabe!” Going upstairs first was a bad idea. “Are you trying to tell me something?” I snarked as I started moving upstairs.

“Yeah, I am.” She said, and I looked back with an incredulous look- “I’m trying to tell you that you’re fucking hot no matter what!” Ah, that’s what she meant. I just blushed, giggling softly.

“Thanks, babe…” It felt good to have her reassurance, at least… I was still fucking embarrassed though.

As I opened the basement door, I said- “Sorry to disappoint, but this’s a dry party!” I said to Mamma, Silver, and Truffles, still sorting shit in the kitchen. I got a few giggles and an eye roll, but that was it. “Truffles, can I recruit you for somethin’?” I asked, and before he spoke up-

“Honey, you mind helping Leona? The kitchen’s getting crowded, and you’ve already spent all day in one!” She kissed her husband on the cheek, so I gestured for him to follow me out back.

“Come on, we’re settin’ up tables.” I said, leading him to my home’s external garage. We walked in an awkward silence through my back utility room, connected to my cellar, kitchen, and backyard. “I got ‘em in my garage, leaning against the wall.”

“O-Oh, uh, o-okay.” He muttered quietly, jumping when I kicked the door behind us. “Wha-!”

“Calm the fuck down.” I said with a plain, even tone. “Would’ya? I’m not upset, so could you just relax?” He steadied his breathing a bit, taking in a deep breath of air.

“S-Sorry.” He muttered, rubbing his shoulder. I just sighed, pinching the bridge of my beak.

“Be honest- did you really want to be here?” He pursed his lips, staring down at the floor. He shook his head slowly. “Do you want an excuse to go home?” I asked him, and he nodded his head with hardly any hesitation.

“I-I can’t though… my wife really wanted me here...” He muttered, looking off to the side as I rolled my eyes.

“Well… lets say you started puking in my backyard. I couldn’t make you stay then, right?” He glanced at me with a look of incredulity… before chuckling.

“Oldest trick in the book, eh?” I just smirked as he continued- “That was always the excuse I used when I wanted to skip class growing up; at least half the time, my mother fell for it.” I just nodded and said-

“It never worked on my mother, and my daughter has yet to make it work on me.” I laughed- “Just this morning she tried to pull one over me!” I gestured for him to follow me still, “But, ehh… still, help me set up these tables. I really didn’t wanna do it on my own.”

He just tilted his head and blinked. “Oh… okay.” After a few moments of walking he asked, “Do uh… You don’t have people that do that for you?” I just shrugged.

“Eh, I got ‘em all coming in the afternoon to help supervise. The setup is easy enough- the cleanup is what I want them for.”

---

Equus is an ancient, storied planet. Her history is full of tales of strange heroes, strange magics, and strange lands. Within a century or two, billions of names of today will simply be forgotten. Within a millennia, their gravestones will be faded and illegible; but maybe in some dusty government archive, their birth and death may be recorded on fragile paper, their name’s survival depending on the survival of their very nation. And just like people, untold millions of kingdoms have risen to glory only to fade into some vague memory of oral tradition. No-one alive today knows what the ancient Zebra city of Quaggalon truly looked like; but ancient tales pressed into baked clay preserve a flickering candle of memory that lasts even today.

In a sense, one can become immortal through their name echoing across the ages; fitting, as pursuit of immortality is the subject of one of the oldest known stories ever recorded. There are names that, when heard, can only conjure up artists' depictions in classical art and tales of their ancient valor… or grave misdeeds.

Grogar the Goat- Grogar the Goat!
Don’t stay out late… or he’ll tear out your throat!

That’s an old pony nursery rhyme meant to warn foals from staying out after the middle of the night; the subject's deeds had long been forgotten and unknown. Whatever those deeds were doesn’t matter, as history has reduced the details of his story so much that only the detail of bad guy remains.

Over the passing ages, Equus herself has changed, too. Large glacial sheets to the north and south have begun to crack and recede over a several-thousand century cycle. Occasionally large glaciers will break off and drift out into the ocean. On an uncharted coast, far to the south of one of the continents, one of these glaciers floated near the shore. The sun warmed the top layer slowly; a small thing lay in the ice, barely poking above the top layer.

The small, stubby horn glowed like a magnesium bulb, gently warming the immediate area around it. Trapped in ice, its owner stopped thinking a long time ago… but when the natural elements exposed his horn to the gentle breeze, he was snapped out of his… nothingness. His nerves awakened too, the ice making his body feel like he’d jumped in a pit of fire.

Having read the ancient tales, one would expect his resurrection to be a bit more dramatic. Breaking out of the ice with a maniacal laugh, followed by declarations of his intent for revenge and destruction. Countless tales have depicted him waking up from his extended rest to be a grand event, surrounded by cultists beneath a picturesque moon, surrounded by the beating of tom-toms and other such grandiose nonsense.

“Warrrrmmm… Warrrrmmmm…” The cold seeped into his every pore, stinging him like nettles rubbed in pepper juice. “Blanket… please… somebody…” though his thoughts weren’t in any living language, the fact that the basic instinct to get warm still burned in the forefront of his mind was… quite telling. “Please… I don’t want to be here anymore! I want out! I want out!”

His jaw was still totally under the ice- his cries for help never left his frozen lips. His horn provided a little heat, but hardly enough to melt the ice. The ancient Grogar felt like he could cry, as the little sunlight that filtered through the top of the ice faced… if only his tears weren’t already frozen. What little hope he had begun to crumple to despair as the sun fell… but alas. If only he could turn his neck towards the shore for a look.

There were ponies there- ones which would look utterly alien to the ancient pony. They had lion-esque manes with horns that curved and occasionally branched off. A layer of scales went from the tip of their noses all the way down their backs, matching their hooves in color.

Drawn by the glow of strangely-colored fire, they watched curiously from a distance. As worshippers of Cthugha, any flame deemed to be heretical must be extinguished… but they’d soon find out that this was no mere flame.

---

I’ll be honest- driving Truffle home in my car was surprisingly more awkward than I anticipated. My inline-8 was idling at a red light as he nervously shuffled his hooves, dead silent.

“The idle sounds a little weird lately… I should probably take a look at it at some point.” Maybe he was into cars? The fuck if I know.

“Oh, I uh… I wouldn’t know a whole lot about that stuff… Heck, I can barely drive!” Figures. I revved the engine as the light finally went green, the inline-8 screaming along. “Goodness, look at all the fruit and veggie stands!”

I smiled as he admired one of the many farmer’s markets within the city. “Beautiful, isn’t it?” I could almost imagine the smell of a fresh garden tomato as we passed a whole pyramid stack of them. “This is why Birdsnest Bargains doesn't have the Fresh Fauna department like Barnyard’s does. I didn’t wanna lose this.” It figures food would be the one thing we could both relate to, at least.

“That’s wonderful. Ponyville really missed out a lot when the local produce stands started going grocery.” I agreed wholeheartedly. “Yeah, it’s convenient… but it’s not as neighborly, no matter how much the employees force themselves to smile.” He quipped, and I couldn’t help but laugh.

“Exactly! It’s where everyone got to know everyone!” The best part is, it was actually organized by a company that I set up myself. Local vendors rent out the stands for use, and the company provides security and other assistance. “Progress is progress, and you always gotta look for improvement- but logistical improvement doesn’t always correlate to spiritual improvement, you know?” He nodded… somewhat unsurely. Whatever.

I clicked my tongue. “You ever had zebra street food, before?” I asked off the top of my head.

“I haven’t, actually! What’s it like?” He asked, and I just had to oblige. Traffic was a little slow today- so we had time.

“Most of the food was good, but the street food?” I kissed the tips of my fingers and flicked upward like a stereotypical chef, “Fuckin bee-autiful! They grilled vegetables and stuff over charcoal and slathered them in a thick, sticky sauce.”

“A thick sauce, you say?” Most pony vegetable sauces are thin, based on butter, cheese, or even oil, occasionally. “That’s interesting!” I grunted as I imagined the flavors coming back to me.

“Yeah! You should’ve seen it, the fur around a lot of the zebras mouths was dyed red from the stuff! A wet rag is a must.” I explained, my smirk softening as I thought. “It’s really sweet and somewhat smokey. There was a hint of onion and garlic powder, along with cumin and chili powder- but it was still sweet, almost candy-like.”

He had a hoof to his chin, looking at the ceiling of my car with a smile- almost like he was fantasizing about the sauce… not that I could blame him. I… wasn’t gonna tell him Mamma made a batch of the stuff for tonight.

“Please tell me you have a recipe?” He asked, and I nodded without any hesitation.

“Fuck yeah I do! I haven’t gotten to trying it out myself, but I’d be more than happy to send you a copy!” I held up a fist, which he bumped with a hoof. “Have you ever had Hen’s Ketchup? I’m gonna try and convince him to add Zebra Sauce to his product lineup.”

“I prefer homemade- but Hen’s 75 is the only store-bought ketchup I can stomach… despite all the added sugar.” Good man, good man… Of course he brings up the added sugar. I wanted to be annoyed, I wanted to roll my eyes… but I couldn’t. I sighed, keeping my eyes straight on the road.

“I… I owe you an apology. Sincerely.” I just kept my focus on the road, wanting to avoid his judging look. “I… I… Agh, look at me, for fucks sakes! It… it’s hard, being this big. It’s hard, trying to get… smaller… Sometimes I want to punch the mirror in the morning, and… and…” I took a deep breath, trying to calm down. “I’m sorry for… for all those… awful things I said to you all those years ago. I… I couldn’t be happier for you, man… and I’m sorry if that was weird to say…”

“Leona?” He spoke up, and I kept looking forward. “I… I’m hesitant to say I forgive you.” The quickest glance showed me he was staring intensely at the passenger door, wrapping his hooves around himself. I looked forward again. “Did you know I used to cry myself to sleep at night? Or that I’d try to lose weight by starving myself during the day, only to lose control and binge whatever was in the kitchen in the middle of the night?” I swallowed, feeling a lump in my throat. “It wasn’t until I was in my mid-twenties when my doctor gave me an ultimatum; go on a diet or risk suffering a stroke or heart disease within the next few years.”

I sniffed, feeling tears roll down my cheeks. “I-I’m sorry…” I sniffed, feeling my breath hitch in my throat. “M-make fun of m-me, if-if it’ll help…” I just… wasn’t sure how to handle this.

“It’s easy to say sorry, isn’t it?” That was true… “But… I can’t bring myself to shame someone for struggling with the same things I did. I’m genuinely sorry if that one comment earlier sounded off-color. It was just… nerve-wracking facing the source of so much of my trauma.” I shook my head slowly.

“Don’t even mention that. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t on-edge too.” I couldn’t help but let out a huff as a half-hearted chuckle. “I admire you for turning your life around like you did. Truly.” I glanced over to see he was looking down with a weary smile.

“You’ve… changed since we were little. Both of us did.” I couldn’t agree more. “We can’t change the past, but… fuck it. I’m a different stallion in a different world. I’m sure you’ve been through a lot of difficulty and hardship yourself, if the rumors are true… Why not call it even?” I glanced over, and he smirked with a shrug.

“Ehh, what the fuck? Sure.” I held up a fist for him to bump again- “And to tell you the truth, I’ve been sober for a little over a month, now. Addiction’s always been a problem in my family, and I’m no exception.” He gave a half-hearted chuckle.

“I had a food addiction. Believe me, I know that song and dance!” Food addiction, eh? Huh. Never thought of that.

“Wait, wait.” I said, holding my hand up. “You’re a chef with a food addiction? That’s like a recovering alcoholic bartender!” I joked, and we both shared a laugh. “How’s your job goin’, anyway?” I asked, and he shrugged.

“It’s alright. They got me working the late shift managing the bar.” I was… a little surprised.

“Wait, you’re not the head chef in one of the pony restaurants downtown?” I asked, and he shook his head. I could’ve sworn that’s what Dee told me… but I guess I just misremembered. “Fuck that! You mind if I make a detour?” I asked, already preparing to pull a u-turn to head back into the city proper. “I know a guy. Tell me- what’d you do before you came over here?”

“I was the Executive Chef at Elysium, a high-end restaurant in Manehattan.” he explained confidently; I could tell he was finally somewhat comfortable, at least. “I took a lot of pride in maintaining a smooth operation, and my tweaks to the menu made the place even more famous.” I knew the place exactly. I think I left an arm in one of their dumpsters, once. It’s very… pony-centric. But that was fine.

In the city, there was a place called Gold Leaf that specialized in pony cuisine for all the upper-class pony locals. One of the few high-end restaurants of its like, help was… a bit hard to come by.

As usual, I parked out front and made my way through the back, Truffles following behind. Cooks were running around the kitchen frantically making their preparations for dinnertime, led by the head chefs all the while. The manager was the one guiding the head-chefs, and the one I was looking for.

“Oh! Goldy-Boy!” I yelled, and he rolled his eyes in annoyance. “You busy?” I asked, and he ran his forehoof across his forehead.

“Nah, I got a minute.” He said, breaking away from the chaos. “What can I help with?” the yellow pony asked, readjusting his hat.

“I finally found an assistant manager for you!” He’d asked if I could keep an eye out the last time my wife and I visited- and I was more than happy to oblige. I presented Truffles, slapping him on the back. “Meet Truffle Shuffle.” He held his hoof out, and the two of them shook.

“Wonderful to meet you, Mr. Leaf.” He had a smug grin as Goldie looked him up and down.

“Before you ask,” I said, “My wife trusted him enough to cook for my daughter's birthday party. He knows his stuff.” Goldie looked… considerably more impressed. “What time you want him to start next week?” Was all I needed to ask.

“Ten-O-clock sharp. Monday.” He gave Truffles a smile- and his eyes widened in shock. “Don’t be late.”

He then turned to me, and I held my hand out. I held my head high as he gently grabbed my hand to kiss the back of it.

“Thank you, Don Grimfeather.” I just shrugged, wearing a kind smile.

“For an honest business man like yourself? I’m happy to give favors.” I put a hand to his shoulder as he stood up. “And if I should call on you, I wholeheartedly hope you’ll pick up. Understand?” He nodded, and I patted him on the back.

“I understand. Thank you.” I smirked as I turned around.

“Don’t worry about the union paperwork. I’ll call Giuseppe later.” Was all I needed to say before we made our way out.

I turned the key and pressed the starter pedal, my engine roaring to life.

“...Wow.” He said, and I couldn’t help but laugh.

“I was about to ask what you thought, but I guess you liked it there!” But surprisingly, he shook his head.

“No, no, it’s… I expected to have to put in a resume or something!” He joked, and the two of us laughed.

“Believe me- my word means a lot around here.”

---

I felt much better once I dropped Truffles off, at least. But the day was far from over. I was rushing to help Mamma finish the rest of the food prep, up until I had to leave to pick Anastasia up. Thankfully Dee and Silver took it upon themselves to do more set up in the backyard.

At the school, Anastasia bolted into my arms!

“MAMMA!” She yelled, and I lifted her to set her on my passenger seat.

“Hey, baby!” I kissed her on the cheek, shutting her door and making my way to the driver's seat. She clicked her seatbelt as I was wrapping a wing around her to pull her into my side. “Happy birthday!” She giggled as I shifted my still-running car into gear. “How was school?” That made her groan as we made our way to the highway.

“Boring!” She whined, and I chuckled. “I wanted to stay home!”

“Honey, if I skipped school everytime I didn’t wanna go, I’d be dumb as bricks.” I tapped the side of my head a couple times for emphasis, “Remember that!” But she rolled her eyes still.

“Your friends excited, at least?” Anastasia started nodding her head rapidly.

“Yeah! Yeah! YEAH!” She sounded so adorably excited!

When we got home, we had about an hour until the parents dropped Annie’s friends off. There would only be eight other kids, but I wanted to make sure Annie and I looked good for appearances sake… So, I had to force her into a shower, somehow.

“No! I don’t wanna!” She whined, wanting to start the party immediately. But I huffed, rolling my eyes.

“I’ll let you shoot your gun tonight if you get in the shower.” Her eyes widened, and she wasted no time dashing back into the bathroom, slamming the door behind her. She can slick her hair up all she wants after the parents leave! It’ll be for fifteen minutes, tops.

The two of us stood near each-other. She was wearing a shirt and striped vest like I was, but I had an overcoat atop my outfit. It was kind of adorable- especially when I saw her wonder-filled look as the parents paid their respects to me, kissing the back of my hand. I gazed down at them with caring smiles, since they gave me the respect I deserved.

The parents left just as the friends and family showed up- I assured the parents that a private bus would return my daughter’s friends home safely. Anastasia and I wasted no time in getting into casual relaxed-wear; it was time to relax.

It was such a wonderful time- we all ate and listened to music while Anastasia played with her friends. She always had her yo-yo and toy pistol on her; cops and robbers was a particular favorite of theirs. They started an impromptu-game of kickball right before the cake was brought out.

It was fucking massive, chocolate flavored with strawberry icing, stacked in three layers. In fact, because of all the people her, it shrank surprisingly quick. We were bringing Anastasia’s presents out for her to open, when I happened to spot the last slice of cake, gleaming on the tray in the afternoon sunlight.

I licked my beak, approaching the wonderful confectionary and grabbing a plate.

“Mamma!” Anastasia got my attention, and I cocked an eyebrow. “Can I have the last slice of cake?” Why you gotta break my heart like this? I wanted to retort… but I gave her a smile instead.

“Of course, honey! Anything for my baby’s special dayyy!” I plated the last slice for her and handed it off.

“Thanks Ma’!” She said as she bolted off… I really wanted that last slice of cake. But those hard sacrifices are what motherhood is about… But I really wanted that last slice!

Anastasia tore ravenously into her gifts, and I had to keep reminding her of her manners! She wanted to keep going from one present to the next without even saying thank you, or wondering who got it for her!

Eh, I doubt anyone was offended- but still. Even if she is a goofball, I still gotta raise her right.

The rest of the evening slowed down after that, as Anastasia wanted to dig into her presents. The bus left a little before dark, and the rest of the party started clearing out not long after that. Anastasia had school tomorrow- so this day couldn’t be long for everyone.

---

Late that night, it was just Anastasia and I left. A large spotlight was shone from the back balcony, illuminating the backyard for Tonio and his crew to clean up. But even they left soon- leaving the backyard to Anastasia and I.

We stood facing away from the house, at a small dirt hill in my backyard. Crickets could be heard buzzing all around our backyard, bathed in light.

“You remember all I taught you, Annie?” I asked, the cylinder flicking open with a spin. Something I ate for dinner gave me heartburn- and I had to suppress a burp as it intensified.

“Of course, Mamma. Always keep it pointed down range. Finger off the trigger. Don’t cock it until I’m ready to shoot.” I smirked, loading a bullet into the chamber and holding it in place. The hammer was on an empty chamber- the bullet will move into place when she pulls the hammer back.

“Just aim-urp! Sorry- aim for the dirt.” I covered my beak with a fist, hoping my breath didn’t stink. “Don’t be afraid of it, baby.”

After a few moments, she chuckled. “Why would I be?”

Click- POP!

The recoil was minimal, and there was barely a cloud of smoke- but her eyes lit up as she gasped! Beak wide open, she was laughing in excitement after her first ever bullet!

“CAN I DO MORE!? PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE-” She begged, and I smirked.

“Alright, just a few more- then we gotta go back inside. Mamma isn’t feeling too well…” The heartburn flared again, and I was starting to feel nauseous. I took the gun off her, popping the chamber.

“Watch and learn.” I said, using the guide-rod to shove an empty cartridge out. I then pointed the gun directly in front of me, sliding rounds into all five chambers. Guide rod put in place, I handed it to Anastasia who squealed excitedly; I pounded my chest, huffing in annoyance.

Anastasia paid no mind, aiming her revolver at the dirt mound.

Click! POP!

I swallowed spit, noticing sweat pouring down my head. Something was wrong.

Click! POP!

I dashed off to the side, feeling bile rise in my throat, much hotter than it should be.

Click! POP!

FWOOOOSH!

As I vomited into a bush, flames burst forth from my beak instead, materializing in a letter which floated above my head briefly. It landed among the dried leaves unscathed, and Anastasia finally realized that something was wrong.

“MAMMA!” She yelled, bolting over to my side as I grabbed the letter cautiously. Bemused, I undid the red ribbon which held it together… it wasn’t just a letter. It was a scroll.

My mouth went dry as I beheld Celesia’s personal seal on top of the letter.

Leona. We need to talk. At five-o-clock sharp, I will arrive at the doorstep of your compound for a little… heart to heart.

You don’t have an option. There are things we need to discuss. And if anything happens to me, your Kingdom will become one of ash by morn’.

Yours amicably, Celestia.

I clutched the letter in a fist, shaking as I held my baby close. This is the first I think anyone outside of a select few have heard anything from Celestia in years. Now she wants to meet me personally? If she’s sick, she’s going through great efforts to meet me, presumably.

What… Oh God.

“Anastasia… Please. Bring your mother here.” I sat on my flanks, feeling on the verge of a nervous breakdown. What did she want? What did she want? I was hyperventilating, sweating bullets in my backyard. My stomach was twisting itself into knots as my vision started to swim.

It might have been a panic attack- but I wasn’t sure. I wasn’t sure of anything, anymore. But if Celestia wants her meeting? Fine. Fine. But damn her for doing this to me!

Immigrant Song

View Online

To say the mood around my home was frantic would be an understatement. Non-essential staff like Tonio, Syl, the gardeners and the like have already been given a temporary leave, and the only reason they needed to know was for temporary security concerns.

I also had to take the time to coach Anastasia- she’d be staying with Dee and Mamma in a safehouse outside the city, and I had to make sure she knew to keep her beak shut. I didn’t know what to expect, so she’d have to miss her second day of school… fucks sake.

We weren’t fucking around, either; My entire crew was here, as well as a fistful of lower rank enforcers. As well as our usual pistols, we also carried shotguns or rifles on our sides, mainly as a show of force. I was sitting on a deck-chair on the front balcony, watching the driveway. I held a sawn-off Wynnfield lever-action carbine; it had a shiny brass receiver with a shortened stock and barrel, six rounds in the tube and one in the chamber. Some people might call this configuration a Mare’s Leg. I call it My Leg.

I shuffled in my seat cushion, sighing in boredom. With the gun sat across my lap, I reached into my coat pocket and pulled out a smoke, lighting it and leaning back. My rifle was in my right hand, the butt resting against my leg as I enjoyed my cigarette. At the front gate, slightly obscured by trees, I could see the cars we had parked on either side move to let Glimmer’s maroon roadster pull up the driveway. She was late- we only had a few more hours until Celestia would show. The cars moved to block the gate again as Starlight parked hers, clustered with the rest out front for extra protection.

“I’m up here.” I yelled down to her, and she used her magic to Blink onto my balcony- Blinking is just unicorn speak for a short distance teleportation, based on line of sight. Apparently it’s far less magic intensive than a regular teleport.

“Sorry I’m late- I had to make sure Trix-” But I held a hand up to stop her.

“That’s fine- don’t worry about it… Hemm…” Because of stress-induced chain smoking, I’d begun feeling the inkling of a sore throat; already, my voice was a little hoarse… Just like my wife!

Starlight twiddled her hooves nervously, as even the cigarette she floated in her magic field seemed to tremble. “Wh-what-er- where do you want me?” She glanced side to side, rubbing her forehead anxiously under her hat. I couldn’t help but smirk, looking at her with a chuckle.

“While everyone else looks outward for impending danger, I just want you to listen.” Because of the aforementioned sore throat, I was smoking menthol, the faint minty taste tingling in the back of my mouth. “I don’t know how involved Celestia thinks you are, and I don’t feel like giving her hints.” Starlight nodded, sitting on the bench swing and nervously fiddling her hooves some more.

“G-got it.” She said, and I leaned my gun against the side of my chair, putting a hand to her hoof.

“Hey!” I spoke softly, getting her attention and flashing her a smirk. “It’s gonna be fine! I have eyes all over the city on the eye out for danger… Plus, just listen carefully!” My compound is surrounded by a dense patch of forest outside the city down a road marked periodically with signs that said TAKE HEED! Trespassers Will Be Shot On Sight!

We both strained our ears, and Starlight squinted in confusion. “I hear… the air conditioner running. I don’t get it.” I rolled my eyes, gesturing her to give a second! And to be honest- I was so used to the sound of my A/C running that the ambient sound barely registered. To think- growing up, that technology didn’t even exist yet.

But soon, the faint whirring of distant engines could be heard above our heads… bringing another spectacle of the modern age into the forefront of our minds.

“Oh, look! There’s Adrian!” I said, pointing out the ginormous zeppelin floating ominously around my compound like a shark smelling blood. “It’s our latest model, gonna be going into production for military use eventually!” For such a massive beast, the engines were a soothing white noise from where I sat; Hell, I could fall asleep listening to it!

“You sure that’s a good idea? Seems like a big, floating target to a dragon; not discounting how incredible it is, though!” But I just had to laugh.

“Obviously, I don’t want them anywhere near the front.” The sleek gray body was only marred by the engines dangling off the bottom; Her name was LEAD ZEPPELIN, painted towards the front in black, its designation number C-007-P at the same height towards the back. The upper and lower tail fins also had my symbol for the Syndicate painted on. “The ‘C’ indicates its purpose as a cargo transport machine. The number is just its iteration number, and the ‘P’ stands for prototype.” Starlight nodded- hopefully seeing all the merits of having these flying over the nation in a time of war.

“Does it have any guns attached? Also… is that LEAD as in Leader?” She asked, and I couldn’t help but laugh aloud.

“Does it have guns? FUCK yeah it does! Four on each side, you’ll see them when it turns broadside. And these aren’t those hand-cranked ones I showed you, either…” The gatling guns only existed because of the stresses of black powder making a true machine gun impossible with it… but with, say, cordite? “Pull the trigger, RATATATATATATA, all fuckin DAY, BABY!” I let out a hearty, almost maniacal laugh… but calmed myself quickly. “But, anyways… the name is like the metal, lead. It’s the name of a band I liked as a human, that’s all… Though, they spelled it L-E-D.” I explained before she could ask.

Seeing it turn broadside slowly from the moderate distance of my front porch, I couldn’t help but bob my head to the imagined intro of a particular song I liked from them.

AAAHHHHHH, AH!
AAAHHHHHH, AH!

Couldn’t remember what it was called, though. The lyrics were kind of weird- I never understood them either. But I knew the intro, and the guitar riff was burned into my mind!

“But, anyways… I’m gonna have the meeting on this porch, here. I just want you to use your magic to eavesdrop from elsewhere in the house.” I explained quickly, crushing the butt of my cigarette out in my ceramic tray. “Transcribe our conversation and whatnot. You think you can do that?” While my in-home soundproofing privacy system worked quite well, there were a few inherent backdoors of sorts we could use to our advantage. Sometimes, you want someone listening in.

Starlight nodded plainly, seemingly much more relaxed than before. “Sure, I can do that. Where do you want me, how’d you want me to do it?” She asked as I guided her to my outdoor PA speaker panel. There was an indicator bulb that let the user know it was listening- and I had the output temporarily re-routed to my cellar using a switchboard-esque system down there. I flipped the switch on the side, turning the microphone on along with the light.

“Observe!” With the switch still active, I unscrewed the tiny bulb. I shoved a small piece of felt into the socket before screwing the bulb back in- preventing the electronics from making contact. “Now, everything we say will be sent directly to the cellar for you to record. Neat, huh?” I presented with a smirk. She looked at me plainly… before she snorted, breaking down and cracking up in laughter!

“As soon as the Princess gets here, she’ll do a scan for any magical bugs… but she won’t find any!” She snorted, lighting what I thought was her third cigarette since she got here. “It’s so dumb, and there’s a chance it’ll work!” I just giggled.

“Worst case scenario?” I said, throwing an arm around her back, “Just hide in the bushes out front and strain your ears!” I joked as I led the two of us inside. “I’mma get lunch, I’m starvin’! Feel free to join. My wife’s pantry oughta have something good for you in there.” I said, mouth already beginning to water as I imagined the epic sangwich I was ‘boutta make.

---

At 4:30, the Lead Zeppelin made a quick stop for refueling; apparently, Adrian and his crew haven’t seen a thing yet, so we figured why the fuck not? Ross complained his feet were tired, so instead of the circling patrol, we just had them on lawn chairs watching over the wall in a few key strategic locations; though at 4:45, I had the patrols resume. The mid-afternoon sun still had a couple more hours until nightfall, and the gentle rays did wonders to keep the early-fall chill at bay from where it beamed upon my porch.

4:50.

“Hrm-hrrm!” I cleared my throat roughly, holding a tea-tray which I set on the knee-high coffee table on my balcony. The teacups shone just as bright as the day I’d bought them, hinting at how often I drank the stuff. Them, along with my teapot, was a basic utilitarian unpainted white. A couple spoons were set out, next to a bowl of sugar cubes, a half-empty jar of honey, and a small plate with a lemon sliced into rounds. I swallowed spit, grimacing at the nagging sensation of a sore throat. Make no mistake- the tea was mostly for me. I just brought the extra cups as a basic formality.

4:56.

“Well, might as well go pee.” I muttered to myself, not knowing how long Celestia would want to talk… if she was here to talk at all. Worst case scenario, I at least don’t want my corpse to be soaked in piss, if she’d even leave a corpse.

I growled in annoyance as I did my business- Why now for all the catastrophizing? There’s something I like to say, even if a bit cliched; If I wanted you dead, you wouldn’t be talking to me. It’s true- and it’s a sense pragmatists like me often shared. Every politician is a two-faced schemer. I’m no exception, so why would Celestia be?

4:59. But my pocket watches’ second hand could be a bit off, I noted as I wound it up anxiously… I really wanted a shot of something. Something strong that’d burn my throat all the way down.

5:01.

The sun seemed to glint momentarily, and I had to squint. Celestia flew towards me gracefully from the direction of the sun, hovering in the air in front of my balcony; it was hard to get a look at her, but I could make out her mane flowing ethereally around her.

“Leona. Long time no see.” She said, seemingly waiting for an invitation.

“Likewise.” I said with a scowl, giving no hint to the nervousness I felt. “Take a seat- I have to let my lookouts know you’re here.” Gracefully she landed on my balcony, taking the seat opposite the coffee table. I then leaned against the railing and yelled- “ROSS! SHE’S HERE!” I waved, and he waved back.

I heard a chuckle behind me.

“What?” I asked, taking my seat. “It worked, didn’t it?” I had a grin on my face, and she cleared her throat. “I got tea here if you want it. Just some generic Bargain’s black tea.” I said, pouring myself a cup over a spoonful of honey and dropping a lemon slice in.

“I appreciate the offer- but no thank you.” She said, watching me sip the tea- clearly, she didn’t think I was trying to poison her. “I’m very particular with my tea.” I nodded in understanding as I felt the smooth hot tea soothing my throat, the sweet stickiness of the honey blending perfectly with the tart lemon floating atop. “How’s your family doing?” She asked casually- possibly trying to get a rise out of me.

“They’re doing well.” I explained casually- “My baby’s doing well in school, and my wife’s got a lil’ unicorn on the way.” I had a proud grin, and she nodded with a giggle.

“Well, congratulations and good luck! Raising a unicorn foal is no easy task.” She seemed genuine- and something about that concerned me. “But there’s something important I must discuss.” She said, and I gave her a smug grin.

“Finally crawled out of your deathbed to see where the world’s been heading, eh?” I asked, and she blinked- that threw her off a little bit; and she leveled me a glare, me responding with a smug grin.

“I don’t know what wild rumors have been spreading during the absence of my retirement, but I can assure you they’re not true.” Spoken like a true politician. “But, anyways… surely you must know why I’m here?” She said sarcastically, insinuating that I was a moron by her tone. “You massacred five-thousand zebras. What is your aim here? Truly?” She asked… and I paused.

“Celestia… before you get any funny ideas, I have no intention of any invasion of Equestria.” I explained simply, but she just kept that strange look up. “The zebra’s are sitting on a hoard of oil on a tract of land that’s nearly uninhabitable. To send a force of nearly five-thousand to recapture a patch of sand was sheer folly, and my troops were defending themselves.” I explained, sipping my tea and clearing my throat. “Well, now the Shah of Irem is on his knees, begging me to spare his kingdom. But if he’d just co-operated like I originally asked him to, we wouldn’t be in this mess.”

She leveled me a hard glare before glancing to the side, putting a hoof to her chin. “Do you think I’m happy about it?” I asked, getting her attention. “Two sixteen year olds were there because they lied about their ages. Now, one’s traumatized and the other has two grieving parents that hate my guts, not to mention the other losses my people faced.” I sniffed, taking another sip of tea. “I want my people to be happy. I want to give them the prosperity they deserve. So why would I ever touch Equestria? What would I fucking gain by ruling over a nation of ponies that hate me?” I asked rhetorically, shrugging and leaning back in my chair.

Celestia leaned back, leveling me a flat look. “You think I haven’t realized that all the subservient pamphlets likely originated externally? Do you think Hay-Mart isn’t under investigation as we speak? How dumb do you think Equestrian intelligence gathering is?” I struggled to avoid scowling. “Especially with Twilight’s experiment in trying to turn Equestria into a Republic, I-

“But that’s just the thing!” I interrupted, “Wouldn’t you want the ponies to have a variety of options? Marksism is still quite a popular ideology- think about it. What do all the ponies who hate it have in common?” I asked, and Celestia rolled her eyes.

“I fail to see how-” But I was going off on one now.

“Celestia, the most adamant opposers of Marksism are the wealthy… the Elites. The ponies who hate it are the landlords who raise the rent on their slums, forcing ponies to live in squalor while trying to tell them settling for poverty would make them happier. They’re the rich CEO who refuses to give out raises, on the basis that doing so would lead to an increase in the price of goods; punishing everyone else because they can’t live without their ridiculous profit margins.” Starlight was probably in the basement cheering, knowing her.

Celestia huffed. “You dare tell me how my ponies are feeling?” She scoffed indignantly, and I scowled.

“Where the fuck have you been this past half a fucking decade? You know- since you had the fucking balls to disrespect my mother like you did.” Yeah, I was bringing that up. “That was disgusting and uncalled for, by the way!” I pressed my middle and ring finger down with my thumb, pointing the devil horns at her with a glare- she appeared to shrink in her seat, sheepishly looking off to the side with a blush.

“I… I admit, it was uncalled for at the time…” I huffed, saying-

“Yeah, no kiddin’! Peeping on my wife and I was one thing, but my mother!?” I growled, lighting another menthol to help soothe my aching throat. Celestia blushed and sputtered-

“Wh- I did not peep on you and your wife, or anyone! Changeling spies already had the photosketches on-hoof, and-and-” I glared at her, causing her to avert her gaze with a sigh. “I… I wasn’t in a good place mentally at the time.”

“Please, confess- maybe it’ll make you feel a little better, huh!?” I crossed my arms with a huff- and Celestia blinked.

“I… You’re… Sigh…” She looked off to the side, biting her lip. “My… had I not been actively using, I would have been more… mature for that ordeal.” My gaze softened, eyes widening as the gears in my head started turning.

“Usi- you were on drugs?” I asked, my anger fading away as realization struck. She looked away ashamed- but I wanted to know more. “I… Huh. Shit. I sympathize, I really do.” I looked off to the side sheepishly- “I’ve struggled with alcoholism for longer than I care to admit… so I know what that cycle’s like.” She nodded, a look of empathy on her face-

“My sister has told me in the past. You were kind of a way to test her theories on ‘Dream Recovery,’ an idea she had after coming across many ponies in drug comas having nightmares.” I giggled, unable to forget that weird experience.

“Don’t think I’m unappreciative of that- I just wish I took the lessons to heart earlier.” I shrugged, sipping my tea and secretly wishing it was a whiskey instead. “I uh… almost lost some important people from my life because of it.” Celestia nodded sympathetically.

“Well… at least your wife never had to tie you down because you were hallucinating would-be assassins emerging from your walls.” She giggled- but my eyes shot open. “Ketamine, before you ask… Take my advice, make sure it’s-”

“Honey, I’m way ahead of you on that… Jeeesh… Ket… That’s nasty stuff.” I almost said Jesus in front of Celestia- and she blinked oddly.

“Indeed.” She said plainly. There was a few moments of an awkward silence… and I sighed.

“Truth be told, I’m not that upset about that… that other thing.” Referring to the photo incident. “I mean, I’m still a little disgusted- but I did tell her about it.” I puffed my cigarette, looking off the balcony… I chuckled- “She said, For all the times I walked in on you? That’s what you get!” We both shared a brief spell of laughter,

“In the heat of passion, a lock is the last thing on your mind. I get that.” Celestia quipped, giggling mirthfully. “I truly am still sorry about the whole thing. I remember my dear old Mother- and she’d slap me on the back of the head if she found out!” I just shrugged, waving her off-

“Eh, all’s forgiven. If Mamma ain’t upset, I don’t have much reason to be.” I held a hand out, shaking her hoof with a warm smile.

“One of the core tenets of recovery is making amends… and I’m glad I could do that here.” She had a gentle smile- “Tell you what. Why do we have to be enemies?” She asked rhetorically, and I wanted to scream ‘THAT’S WHAT I’VE BEEN SAYING!’ From the beginning, I wanted nothing more than to share the prosperity with Equestria. “While a continued policy of isolationism may be the best for our nations… and I think your treatment of the diamond dogs will be quite ineffective in the long run… why not call each other friends?” She had a warm, genuine smile, holding her hoof out.

I looked at it curiously before shrugging and taking her hoof. “You are painfully easy to get along with… I assumed you thought I was some violent barbarian.” She paused briefly before giggling, “And what’re you talking about? The dogs are complacent- that’s better than I could ask for! They got their bread and circuses well taken care of.” Once again, Celestia’s breath seemed to hitch in her throat.

“True…” She muttered, looking off to the side. “Regardless- I think a policy of integration and acceptance would’ve been more beneficial in the long run, but… Eh.” She shrugged- “But I do understand relations were quite strained to begin with, probably playing a role in your choice.” I just snorted.

“Understatement of the century. Tell me- would military action against the occupying dragons of Catlus count as military action against Equestria?” I asked frankly, chuckling as Celestia cocked an eyebrow.

“On paper? Absolutely. In reality? To the victor goes the spoils.” She said with a shrug, “Normally, I would be going through great lengths to convince you that such a move would be suicide… but it’s been a few years, hasn’t it?” She mused, likely painfully aware about how shut-in she was. “I don’t even want to think about what a force of five-thousand zebra warriors would do to a pony settlement as small as the one you’d set up. The unicorn mages would try and hold their shield wall and fire off spells when they could afford to break that focus. The pegasi would skewer them from above with spears- perhaps if there were enough clouds, they could prepare a lightning storm, unless they were desperate enough to try and generate a twister with their limited numbers.” She mused aloud.

“As the earth ponies try their best!” I quipped… earning me a faint scowl.

“I do not insult the merits or capabilities of your race- I ask that you extend mine the same courtesy.” If my wife was here, I’d throw an arm around her back and say Come on, I married a dirty mud horse! Who love’s ‘em more than me? But something told me that joke would fall flat.

“You’re right. I apologize.” I was at least half sincere. “And to be fair, my army does have a small minority of ponies enlisted. Due to the current state of Equestria, certain ponies’ve swapped loyalties due to the… well, better-ness.” I blushed sheepishly, not intending to call her nation shitty to her face. “Stability! That’s the word I was looking for.” She didn’t scowl- so that was good at least. “But the dozen or so enlisted ponies there were essentially tasked with the crew-operated gatling guns. If a unicorn fired a spell off, it never made it into the official report.” I sniffed and cleared my throat, pouring myself a second cup of tea and swirling in some honey.

“That’s what I was getting at.” She muttered, grimacing as the zeppelin partially covered the lowering sun. “And the driver behind the fear that made me call for this meeting. Dragon scales can be pierced by no existing bow-and-arrow, and the only swords made legend for piercing their hides belong to my sister and I. So what’s your strategy?” She asked, half-staring off into space, probably remembering something she’d rather not.

“What happens when a heavy mace meets a steel plate? Well, a steel plate with the flexibility of chainmail, and… Ah, this metaphor kinda fell apart.” I muttered to myself, causing Celestia to giggle. “A steel plate that can pop its own dents out! You shoot it, and it buckles before deflecting the bullet… but what happens to your sternum beneath the armor?” I pounded my chest to prove a point- “The bullets fired by my individual soldiers will, if not pierce their scales, pulverize anything beneath! And while they’re coughing blood and falling from the sky, they’ll be getting shot over and over again!” It’s like how modern body armor worked back home- it’ll stop a bullet, but it won't stop your organs from screaming out in pain from the energy transfer.

Celestia nodded in understanding, a somewhat impressed look on her face. “What about Ex-Dragon Lord Torch?” She asked, referring to the building-sized dragon who destroyed the bridges. I gave her a smug grin, leaning in to whisper a hint at what I planned.

Her eyes widened as the words left my mouth.

“Fucker won’t know what hit ‘em.” I said as I leaned back, a smug grin on my face. “Do I have your approval?” I asked smugly, and she rolled her eyes and shook her head.

“The world is advancing so quickly around me- even without my hiatus, I feel like I’d have trouble keeping up.” She muttered to herself, looking towards the horizon.

“Truth be told, this war is happening with or without your passive approval- and I mean no insult by that.” I said, lighting another cigarette with a light cough as her gaze was seemingly held by the sun. “If you must break the law, do it to seize power.” I read that quote in a book before- and I loved it. “The die is cast, Celestia. My army will cross the Rubicon to deliver to the dragons a curb stomping so thorough, that-”

“In all other cases, observe it.” She said plainly… causing me to blink in confusion.

“What?” I said plainly, sipping my tea and preparing to dish out some sass.

“If you must break the law, do it to seize power; in all other cases, observe it. That’s how the phrase goes.” I blinked, scratching my head in confusion. I read that book here, right? On Equus? “I have lived long enough in both years and accomplishments, Leona.”

I simply nodded. “Fair enough. Figures you’ve been around long enough, you read a lotta books.” I half-stammered awkwardly… and Celestia sighed.

“But… by what means do you use to quote Gaius Caesar before me?” She looked at me with fear and concern. I sat there like a fucking idiot, jaw and eyes hanging open limply.

“Caes… Gaius Caesar. J… Julius?” I stuttered, in utter disbelief at what I was hearing.

“His gentes, yes.” She responded like it was obvious. I stood there, frozen in awe. Neither of us seemed able to think of words, the two of us just sitting there with our eyes locked.

“S-So… you’re… you’re a h-hum-” I stuttered, hesitating almost.

“Congratulations!” A deep, smarmy voice spoke above our heads. “You’ve figured it out!” A glance at the sky told me the zeppelin was on the other side of my home, and Ross sat on his chair with his back turned.

“Discord.” I growled deeply, and Celestia just sighed. He floated off the edge of my balcony, pretending to casually lean against the post. “Do you mind?” I asked, and he cocked an eyebrow.

“Do I mind what?” He asked, snapping his finger. “How could I miss this reunion of humanity?” I didn’t even have to look down to know that my tits were out; my sore throat discouraged me from yelling, thankfully.

Looking at Celestia, I saw… a rather plain woman. Much like mine, her body was covered in thin black hair, unshaven all the way down to her snatch while the hair on her head hung to her shoulders. She was kinda short, her average-sized tits being a sight for sore eyes. From her dark eyes and shapely nose, I had an inkling of a feeling where she was from.

“Discord… please.” Celestia said, rubbing the bridge of her nose. “Not now.” She looked my body up and down, much like I did hers.

“To be fair?” I said with a smirk, “If I saw two pretty Italian ladies sitting naked in front of me, I’d be hesitant to leave too.” She looked at me and gave me a brief chuckle.

“How did you know my father hailed from Italia?” She asked, and I just shrugged. “Was it… oh God, it’s the nose, isn’t it? My father even got his name from it- Aquilinius!” We both shared a giggle while Discord scoffed at me.

“Why is it always something sexual with you?” He asked me with his arms crossed, and I shrugged with a look of incredulity.

“Why? You wanna see me without clothes so bad!” I purposefully put my leg up over my chair’s armrest. “Come on! Isn’t this what you wanted to see?” I crooned sarcastically, gesturing to my snatch.

“UGH! Disgusting!” He snapped his fingers; I was a griffon again, Celestia was a horse. “Bad!”

“Whaddafuck!?” I exclaimed as he summoned a spray bottle out of nowhere, spraying my face like a misbehaving cat.

“Bad! That’s inappropriate behavior for a kids show!” I glared at him, gritting my beak- and Ross finally decided to turn around from the distant wall, aiming his shotgun from shock. “HEY!” Discord said to him, moving like the fucking flash towards him.

“Watch where you point that thing!” Discord’s head appeared out of the end of Ross’ shotgun, scolding him for doing his job before disappearing with a laugh.

Ross looked at me incredulously. I just shrugged. Then he shrugged, returning to guard duty.

“Anyways…” I muttered, wanting to change the topic. “I gotta know- where’re you from?” She hummed, holding a hoof to her chin as she tried to remember.

“I was raised in Cataractonium. You ever been there?” She asked, and I shook my head. “It’s a city in north Britannia, not far from the Wall of Hadrian. My father was an architect- designed the bathhouses, the Circus, all sorts of stuff!” My suspicions were all but confirmed.

“You and I come from… very different era’s, Celestia. Our ancestors may have come from the same sunny peninsula- but I suspect there may be a two-thousand year difference involved.” My voice caught in my throat, throwing my arm towards my face to cover my cough. “About a week ago, I spent a couple days taking care of my daughter while she had the Bird Flu. Evidently, it’s almost my turn.”

I sniffled, sipping on the lukewarm tea. “There is so much I wish to discuss, but I fear that talking may soon be unbearable.” I joked with a smirk- and Celestia nodded with a look of sympathy.

“The feeling is quite mutual, I assure you… Dare I ask. How fare’s mighty Rome?” I couldn’t help but laugh.

“Depends who you ask! The city of Rome may have been sacked, but the emperor moved the capital to Byzantion, to the east, until that eventually fell to the Ottomans… but the bottom line is, Italy was a capitalist republic when I cashed in my humanity.” She nodded, humming to herself.

“Tell you what- there’s these dream-meetings I like to attend. I forget the acronym- but it’s essentially an anonymous way of doing group therapy.” She suggested, and I cocked an eyebrow. “If I could set up a dream for us, we could spend hours discussing the worlds from which we hail!” I nodded, remembering that time Ponyville got launched into a shared dream. I had two Tommy guns under my arms, firing away at the sky!

“Why not?” I said with a shrug, holding my hand out. “You wanna be friends? Fuck it. We’re friends.” I coughed into my shoulder as I took Celestia’s hoof again. I noticed that the sun was setting, and dusk would soon be descending on all of us.

I looked at Celestia, sitting in the shade… turning somewhat transparent as the sun fell.

“Rest well, friend. Be seeing you!” She said, disappearing entirely with the setting sun.

“Oh. Okay.” I muttered to myself pulling a handkerchief out of my pocket to blow my nose, lazily tossing it off to the side. “I’m going to bed- I feel like shit. I’ll talk about what… whatever tomorrow. Please, let everyone know they’re good to go for me.” I said into the microphone, clicking the device off and heading inside. More and more, my head felt like it was filling with fog.

I went straight to my bedroom, throwing my clothes off into a pile. I sighed in relief as I crawled into bed, resting my eyes as the ambient light faded away… but my sinuses, getting stuffier by the second, wouldn’t let me sleep.

“Aaagh!” I groaned in annoyance, futilely attempting to clear my nose into a tissue. I lay on my back, bored and breathing out my mouth. Maybe… maybe I just needed to expend a little energy. Celestia… human Celestia… was still quite fresh in my mind. “Ehhh, fug it! What else I got to do?” I said, tossing the blanket off and sticking my legs in the air.

Discord's brief show left much of Celestia’s body up to the imagination as I pictured her in my mind, nonchalantly bare-ass naked on my balcony. As I played with myself, I could hear her voice in my head- saying cheesy stuff like when in Rome- may as well fuck like a Roman, you plebeian slu-

SLAM!

“Leona, I heard you were sic-” I heard Mamma’s voice as she barged in my room, My tail and both my hands rushing to cover my shame. “Really? Really!?” She asked, and I was thanking whatever deity would listen that it was just Mamma and not Anastasia.

Why does this always happen to me?

On a positive note… at least my sinuses cleared briefly when I finally came after that interruption. Small blessings.

Daydream Believer

View Online

On a dark highway walled in by trees, a Model-T People’s Car trucked along in the right lane, its left-rear tire swapped out for the spare. It had four doors and a squared, closed-top cabin; the couple in the front wore a black suit and a black dress which, coincidentally, matched the color of their car. The back seat, normally occupied with their son on one side and groceries on the other, tragically held neither. Several bouquets of flowers were scattered on the back seat, covered by a board framed in a mosaic of sepia-toned photographs of the son they lost.

The wife huffed in annoyance as she chafed against the hemp-cord seat belt tied around her waist. Their car was much older, and they lived in a rural community; it didn’t have three-point safety belts or a speedometer, since the powers that be realized that their car would never break highway speeds anyway.

The husband, driving the car, spoke little aside from the words ‘Tie your seatbelt, honey.’ In his mind, the image of his son was still burned in his brain; lying peacefully in his coffin, a flag of the syndicate covering the lower half of his body. The timid man, who worked as a clerk for the town’s hardware store, grit his teeth as he wished he had the balls to do something about his anger… but impeding the ongoing investigation would solve nothing.

WHEEEEEEeeeeeeeEEEEEeeeeeeeeee!

Apparently, he never even noticed the cop car recessed past the treeline until he saw the glowing red lights and heard the sound of a siren.

“What? What do they want?” his wife intoned as he pulled over, pulling his car's emergency brake and rolling down a window. In the dark, they couldn’t make out the face of the officer as they shut their car off and began stomping towards their family car.

“DO YOU KNOW HOW FAST YOU WERE GOING!?” She barked in their face, completely obscured by the bright lamp she waved in their eyes.

“AH! No, no, it doesn’t have a speedometer!” He barked out, half-panicked as he tried to fish for his wallet. “Not, not that fast, I know that!”

His wife's ear perked up briefly.

BANG!

“AHH!” The husband went silent while the wife screamed in terror. She felt a shard of broken glass cut her shoulder, her whole body jerking to figure out what was going on. “PLEASE, NO!” the assailant seemed doubled over, half-clutching her ears while the wife desperately yanked at her safety belt.

“STARLIGHT, COME ON!” The female officer yelled, and the assailant shakily corrected her posture.

“NO NO N-
BANG!
WAAAAHHHH!” She cried out in stark, bone-chilling terror as she desperately clutched the bullet wound in her shoulder.

“DAMNIT!” Starlight yelled, frantically trying to open her two-shot derringer. “C-mon, c-mon!” The thing flipped open, and the two cartridges popped out telekinetically.

“For fucks sake!” The mare threw the officer’s hat off to the side in annoyance, pulling a long knife out from under her uniform as she prepared to finish the job herself; all the while, the wife was crying and screaming at the top of her lungs in terror and agony, too scared out of her wits to do little more than attempt desperately yank at her cordage seatbelt.

“UURRRAAAAGH!” Starlight growled in frustration and slammed her derringer into the dirt below; The wife felt her shoulders straighten on their own, forcing her to sit up straight.

“Please, no…” She muttered as she only briefly realized that her shoulders emanated the glow of unicorn telekinesis.

SQUECK!

That was the sound her neck made as her shoulders were jerked counter-clockwise while her head was forced to turn towards the passenger side; it was the sound of cracking vertebra combined with the wet tearing of muscles and blood vessels. In the glow of Starlight’s telekinesis, she could make out the expression of wide-eyed terror in her victims eyes- it made her shiver and drop her grip.

Silence.

“... two shots, two kills, huh?” Diamond Tiara mocked her partner, climbing back out of their car with a scoff while Starlight clutched a hoof to her chest, trying to calm down. “I told you to just bring a revolver! Now how’re we supposed to blame it on our made-up fall guy?”

This highway was convenient because for now, there was only one entrance and exit. Eventually that will change with urban expansion, but for now? The Highway 17 Highwayman was still at large! According to the police reports, a couple key witnesses (paid off) claimed to see a police car fleeing the scene on the night of one of these crimes. And wouldn’t you know? One of the precincts of Featherworth has a squad car on file as missing… Strange, huh?

Starlight was taking deep breaths, holding her hoof to her pounding heart. “G-Gimme a second!” She said, taking slower, deeper breaths and shutting her eyes. “Release their park brake, if you wouldn’t mind.”

Dee, who was distracted by the few streaks of their victim’s blood on her uniform, shook her head to snap out of it. “Sure thing. What’s the plan?” She said, the car wheels shifting a little as the brake was released.

“Pay off the coroner. They never got shot- the cops just misinterpreted the… state of their bodies.” Glimmer spoke with a chuckle, “Stand back, please!”

Under her strong telekinetic field, the car lurched backwards… “Oh, one more thing!” She pulled a small pint bottle of whiskey out of her bag, popping the cork with her teeth and taking a decent swig before setting it in between their victims.

The silence of the night was replaced by cracking wood and glass, along with the buckling of metal as the car was launched head-on into a nearby tree.

Diamond Tiara brought a hoof to her mouth, and Glimmer assumed it was to cover a smirk; in reality, it was to cover her biting her lip as she approached the side of the car to witness the carnage.

Starlight cringed when she peered in “SSStt… ohhh, that doesn’t look good…” Dee nodded, and Glimmer assumed that her partner was simply agreeing with her. On the other side of the car, Dee felt her heart fluttering as she witnessed the mess.

“She’s got an engine block in her snatch…” Dee muttered to herself, imagining the woman's pelvis to be utterly pulverized from her dangerous seatbelt. The man’s seat belt snapped entirely, launching him headfirst through the windshield and into the tree; the shards of glass tore his stomach open, letting his guts flop out all over the wheel and dashboard. Feathers littered the ground, having been knocked loose by the trauma as the strong scent of gasoline filled the air.

She let out a wistful sigh. “Good work.” she said as Starlight smoked a cigarette by their car. “You gonna be good to drive?” She asked, keeping her distance from the cigarette smoke. “I’m getting… cramps.” She muttered to herself, being cautious as to not reveal how turned on she was. “This is why I don’t do this stuff… uugghh!”

“Sure thing.” Starlight said, “After those utter bombshells those two dropped on me, I’m glad to have something to take my mind off it.” She stomped on her finished cigarette as Dee nodded along, too out of it to even ask for details. Having received the news that she was safe to go earlier, Dee had to recruit Starlight if she still wanted to pull this hit off as she'd planned.

“Yeah… yeah, I get it.” Dee muttered, taking the officer’s uniform shirt off and throwing it in their trunk. Glimmer had already started the engine, and was waiting for Dee. “Take me to Silver Spoon’s, if you wouldn’t mind. I had… dinner planned.” Dee said, idly rubbing the bump on her stomach. “The baby’s hungry, if you catch my meaning!” She quipped, half-mirthless.

“Of course! Anything for a friend, right?” Starlight said with a smile, oblivious as to how her partner actually felt. In fact, Starlight didn’t realize it- but Dee had already eaten dinner, earlier that evening.

“Yeah… thanks.”

---

PLAP PLAP PLAP PLAP PLAP!

“S-Slower, please!” Dee heard Truffle’s whine from below her; she was pegging him, making out with Silver Spoon while her husband, face down ass up on the bed, was amateurishly eating his wife out.

“Sorry… can’t hear you.” She half-moaned, breaking the kiss with Silver and leaning to whisper in his ear, “You want me to go faster, bitch?” He bit his lip, already feeling like he was about to explode. Closing his eyes, he nodded greedily.

PLAPPLAPPLAPPLAPPLAP!

“You are so small! So s-small and pathetic!” she moaned while he was muttering yes over and over under his breath while Silver decided to take a brief pause to admire the show and catch her breath.

“Gosh, Truffles!” She half-moaned, playing with herself idly to keep her going. “I didn’t know you were such a cute bottom!” Truffles whined, the compliment firing off all kinds of yes signals in his brain.

“I bet you love being dominated by a big, strong mare!” Dee said, planting a smack on his asscheek, causing him to whine adorably. Dee couldn’t help but think how upset he was when he first walked in her fucking his wife. While Silver talked him down, Dee remembered a conversation she had with Silver about kinks… in that conversation, she learned that Truffle’s was bi with a massive cuckolding fetish. He was so upset when he showed up… Now he was a whining, leaking mess below his Empress.

“Ah~Ah~Ah~Ah~AHH~!” he mewled pathetically beneath her, barely able to get words out. Dee felt butterflies of excitement welling up from her groin as Truffle’s began to whisper, chanting under his breath- “I can’t,~I can’t,~I can’t,~” Silver put a seductive hoof to his chin and began to lift gently, making enough room for herself to get under.

“Silvie?” Dee moaned under her breath, wondering what her best friend/ love affair was doing, climbing under Truffle’s and sticking her ass in the air. Dee repositioned her hips so her strap wouldn’t slide out, watching lube leaking down his ass.

“Do it! Come on, baby!” Silvie muttered, pushing her glasses up the bridge of her nose. She couldn’t see dick without them, her vision was so bad… pun not intended. Ironic for a precision craftsmare like her, really. “Cover meeee~” she whined needily while Truffles leaned into her ass for support.

“Ohfuck!Ohfuck!Ohfuck!” he whined under his breath, clenching his teeth and eyes shut. “I can’t, I can’t… can’t ho~ooo, oh, OHHH!” His face scrunched up from the pain in his rear and the pleasure, his orgasm forcing him to tighten his so-called grip around the strap-on.

By the time he was done, Silver’s face and glasses were covered in her husband's spunk. The scent was strong, causing Dee to curl her lips in faint disgust. Silver giggled seductively, climbing out from under her husband to plant a kiss on his panting lips, getting his own spunk on his chin.

“It’s getting late.” Dee said as her dual-affairs seemed like they were mentally preparing for round two. She’d fucked guys before- and for her, this was always the worst part. Everything leading up to it was wonderful; but despite her enjoyment, she really didn’t care much for dick. “You mind if I borrowed your shower?” She asked, a slight tenseness in her voice that sailed over their heads.

Silver nodded knowingly. “Call you tomorrow?” She asked, and Dee couldn’t help but smile.

“Fuck yes!” She said, “I’d kiss you, but uhh… You got something on your face.” Silver couldn’t help but giggle oddly.

“It’s alright, Truffle’s will help clean it… isn’t that right, honey?” She gave her husband a seductive grin as Dee undid the leather straps on her hips.

“Y-yes, honey…” He muttered, and Dee noped the fuck out of there before he started seductively licking his wife’s face clean.

“It’d be hotter if it was mare cum…” she muttered as she sulked into the shower to finish herself off. ‘I wonder if Leona wouldn’t mind licking hers off my face?’ she thought to herself.

As hot water poured over her, she couldn’t help but think of all the dark, depraved stuff she’d like to do with both of them… mainly blood related stuff. She imagined his moaning turned into cries of pain as she fucked him with a dry strap-on. She imagined dipping it in sand first to make it even more painful, his cries for mercy silenced by Silver giving him a bloody nose, pouring down his chin and onto the bed sheets almost as fast as his ass bled…

She had to bite her hoof to keep from screaming out as she finally came, panting as she rode it out aaalllll the way to post-nut clarity… that part came and hit her like a sack of bricks.

“Leona would be so pissed if she figured this out…” she muttered to herself, rubbing the bump on her tummy and feeling disgusted with herself… but the thrill of it?

She took a deep breath, speaking softly to the four-month old unicorn foal growing inside her. “Sorry if I was a little rough…”

---

“Leona? Are you alright?” Who dares disturb my sleep? “Sorry I’m late- Silver wanted to have dinner and I didn’t know you were sick!” Ah, my wife. I gave her a faint grin, feeling weary and a little chilly.

“S’alright.” I muttered, rolling over onto my back and snuggling under the covers. “Can you grab me a tissue and make sure the A/C is off?” My wife, standing by my bedside, dashed to grab the box of disposable tissues and the trash bin. I reached out to try and blow my nose quickly, eager to return to the comfort of my bed covers. “Gaaah! What time is it?” I muttered to myself, glancing at the moonlit clock. 3:48 A.M.

“You feeling alright?” She asked with a knowing smirk, and I rolled my eyes. “Did everything go alright today?” She asked, climbing on the bed and snuggling next to me over the covers. I grumbled as I threw my arm under her neck, allowing her to rest her head.

“No… Terrible, honey… my fuck…” I could feel her heartbeat intensifying, for some reason. “Ma’ walked in on me!” I explained, and she blinked.

“During the meeting?” She asked, and I shook my head.

“No, rubbin’ one out! It was really embarrassing!” I elaborated once more, and my wife facehooved.

“Leona. The Meeting. With Celestia.” My mind, dazed and slow, made her words click a little late.

“Snnnnnnnrk! KYA!EHEHEEE-!” I was laughing like a fucking dumbass while my wife sighed in disappointment, shaking her head as she rubbed the bridge of her nose.

“Leona, I love you with all my heart- but for FUCK SAKES!”
“Ah!”

She screamed that last bit in my ear, making my whole body jerk and tense up. Her hoof never moved from her face- so I instantly felt relieved.

“I-I’m sorry! I’m sorry!” I apologized quickly, making her bury her face in my neck.

“I didn’t mean to yell, I’m sorry. But you need to just… think about what you’re saying more often!” I nodded quickly, and she hugged my side.

After a few moments of comfort, I spoke up.

“The meeting went fantastic. Celestia wanted my guarantee that I wouldn’t attack Equestria- in exchange, she knows we’re gunning for the dragons now. She won’t make any moves to stop it.” She sighed, and I enjoyed the feeling of her warm breath on my neck.

“Good… Good…” She muttered. “You wanna get some sleep? We can talk when you’re better.” I nodded, shutting my eyes already. She kissed my cheek, saying- “I’ll be out in the living room-”

“Oh, also.” I muttered, rolling over and taking a deep breath, too out of it to notice my wife’s strange behavior at the time. “Celestia’s alright. She’s a fucking Roman!” I giggled, “Wit’ a fuckin’ nose that’ll put any ol’ paisan to shame!” And she had some nice, perky tits to boot. It was nice, feeling like my old, skinny human self earlier today- even if momentarily. Discord’s magic is weird- even if I could have my old body back… or my leg back… I wouldn’t make a deal with that fucker. That’s how you wind up as his bride ten reincarnations down the line or someshit. Or maybe you’d get some cursed artifacts that backfire at an incredibly inconvenient time, doing some wacky shit like locking you as the other gender?

Clunk!

My brain barely had time to register that the sound I’d heard was my door shutting. I was too busy focusing on the black void I found myself in… both constricting and expansive… dank, humid, and full of limbs. Flesh sloughed off the bones of strange appendages, so I had to grip my fingers between their bones to climb out.

As I gasped in a breath of air, I crawled onto the shore of blackened sand, leaving gouges in the muck that bled profusely. The smell of rot and decay filled my nostrils… and filled me with an odd sense of longing and nostalgia when I looked back. I looked up at the blackened sun, peering through the fog over the lake like a neon sign in the rain, glowing strangely. I turned around, beholding the massive wall in front of me.

I fell onto my ass in horror, looking to the left and right; I despaired as I saw mile high walls stretching for miles on either side of the coastline, not a single gate or portcullis in sight. I wanted to weep, pining for the comfort and solace of a fucking elevator as I mentally prepared to make the miles-high flight up. God, the things I’d do to be as quick and agile as I was as a kid.

Knock, Knock, Knock.

“Huh?” I looked around, trying to figure out who was knocking. “Wuh?” Where is the door?

Knock, Knock, Knock.

A pale white door appeared floating before me. It was made of wooden planks, held closed with a simple iron latch stretching the length of the door.

I looked back up at the wall, holding my wings close to my body as I pursed my… beak?

“Yeah, fuck that.” The door was basically a lift-and-slide deadbolt, but as wide as the door itself.

My mind cleared instantly as I passed through the threshold, wasting no time in shutting it behind me. Looking around, I saw… books. Many of them dirty, bound plainly with brown leather- the titles of many of them blending together, the letters shifting and changing as you tried to read them. But not only were there books- there were cabinets full of scrolls stacked atop each other in a disorganized fashion. The floor was an exquisite tile mosaic- but it, too, morphed and shifted as I tried to figure out what it looked like. Even the candles on the wall seemed to move, flickering in and out of existence as I looked around.

The only feature which stood still was the candle-lit reading lectern, the large window in front consisting of small glass panes; it had a simple hinged opening, revealing the shifting landscape of empty fields, gray skies, and the occasional indecipherable building.

“Celestia?” Somehow, I knew she was here. It was like an odd feeling in the back of my head, really. In fact, when I focused- she was sitting on the wooden chair next to the lectern, as a human! “This one of those shared dreams?” I asked, and she nodded. She wore a simple cloth dress with short sleeves, her hair tied in a ponytail with some twine. “Fuckin’ awesome! But what happens if I gotta wake up?” I asked, sitting on a cushion that appeared in the blink of an eye. “I uh… I might have to puke at some point.”

She giggled and responded- “For you, it’ll be just like regular sleep. You’ll know if you start feeling signals, like nausea or a full bladder. Welcome to my uncle’s library; my memory’s a bit fuzzy, but it’s some place my brain tends to… default to, I suppose.” I nodded, a lit cigarette appearing between my fingers. “A place of solace in that cold, dreary backwater Britannia.” She muttered disdainfully, seemingly unable to banish the dreary weather outside of the sanctuary; it’s like that’s how she remembered her life in England.

“I take it your experience on the other side wasn’t too great either?” I asked, almost feeling like I was talking to an old friend. Celestia was a human- a real, genuine human! The first I’ve met since I got here! Thank fuck there’s not a bunch of us out there all at once. “Jesus, I mean- where do we start? What… Where?” I shrugged with a grin, looking around the quant place in wonder. I was an amateur history nerd, and Celestia seemed to want to know what the fuck happened to the world! Why else would she invite me into her dream world? “You wanna go first?” I asked, and she giggled.

“Come on… what’s there to say, really?” She shrugged, looking wistfully out the window and forcing the landscape to still itself… revealing the Roman city this private villa overlooked. The only building I could definitively name by how it looked was the Circus track- there was a temple-looking structure reminiscent of the ones they used as pagans, but with a large cross over the pediment. “You enjoying the view? I really have to focus on it!” she said as I breathlessly made my way towards the window.

The buildings seemed to be made of a sort of white-washed tile or brick, each surmounted by red clay shingles and situated packed together in blocks. Many of the finer details were blurred, so it was like looking at a picture of Rome through tears filling your eyes. The walls surrounding the city stretched beyond both ends of the horizon, meaning that the villa was situated and protected within.

“That’s beautiful.” I muttered to myself, seeing a real Roman city before my very eyes! “Must’ve been trippy seeing Catlian architecture for the first time, huh?” I joked, and the two of us giggled.

“Trippy… I guess that’s a word to describe the feeling.” She mused with a shrug, the scene outside blurring further. “I’m glad you think it’s beautiful. She really was- all the way to the bitter end.” she muttered darkly under her breath as the skies outside began to darken, the smell of burning filling the air; it all went away as she shook her head. “Sorry about that. Occasionally during strong memories, the subconscious may ‘butt-in’ so to speak.” she was stroking her hair gently, possibly as a nervous tick of sorts.

I nodded in sympathy. “Fuck knows there’s plenty of shit my brain won’t let me forget.” Once again, a lit cigarette appeared between my fingers I could puff on. Celestia nodded solemnly. “You wanna talk about it?” I offered, and she tilted her head curiously.

“You seem a little… enthusiastic to learn about my past. Why is that?” She was right to be suspicious; I know what my reputation probably is to her.

I gave her a smirk. “Would it help you if I started?” I offered, and she shook her head slowly.

“I just wanna know why, that’s all.” She asked, grabbing a tea-plate and cup that appeared in the blink of an eye off the table, sipping it daintily. “It’s not every day two previous inhabitants of Terra Mater meet like this, but why so curious?” I chuckled, leaning into a chair that appeared in a wink and sipping a whiskey on the rocks; I was a human again, wearing my prison jumpsuit with the top unbuttoned and tied around my waist, a tank top and black bra for a shirt. I draped myself over a comfortable recliner, letting my shoes slide off as I drank. It was odd- there’s no weird morphing involved, or even any sound to indicate when something changes; as a dream, it simply happened.

“That’s just it!” I said, pointing with my glass. “Please, by all means tell me to fuck off if I’m getting too personal; but we’re two humans- that’s what we called our species- the only two on Equus! Not to mention, the two-thousand year cultural differences are fascinating!” I admitted, probably sounding like a fucking nerd. “You’re not even a little curious? But even if not for scholarly curiosity, it may show us similarities that may connect us, potentially leading to insight into what brought us here?” For me, potential answers were simply an added bonus to getting an intimate look into the life of a genuine Roman! But what I said made Celestia stroke her chin, setting the teacup off to the side.

She gave me a smirk and huffed mirthfully. Finally, she looked off to the side with a shrug.

“I was born in the calm before the storm, I suppose.” She mused, and I listened along intently. “It must have been an omen for the times when my mother died during my primogenitus, or at least, I used to think that… in retrospect, it was probably a coincidence. It happened so often that babies simply went unnamed until they passed a year.” She spoke matter-of-factly, unafraid to mention past superstition.

The then looked down, grumbling- “But he named me after our family gentes, as was nearly always the case. Albina- that’s what I was called.” She spoke with disdain- and I couldn’t help but notice.

“You seem bitter about that. Can I ask why?” She snorted, giggling as she said-

“Might as well have just painted a number on my back at that point. Then, perhaps he would have called me Unusia?” She shrugged- “But when mother died, she left me and my father. I was beloved daughter, and he gave me anything I wanted.” She spoke wistfully, and I heard… something. A faint whispering, sounding like a male voice. I think he spoke Latin- so the meaning was totally lost on me. The only thing I could make out was the tone of parental adoration. “He never made me do many chores- even taught me how to read! Hence, my uncle’s library!” She gestured around the room, and I couldn’t help but smirk.

“I take it that wasn’t a common occurrence?” I asked her, and she scoffed.

“About as common as a sunny day in Britannia. I studied law and history books when I wasn’t out playing with the boys in town. Many other women thought I was disgusting, and I never understood why. I’d be out shooting dice or exploring the deeds of the past having the time of my life, while they occupied their time with subservience.” While she explained, I couldn’t help but smile.

“You’re a feminist!” I pointed at her, and she cocked an eyebrow. “It’s a word we used for people who believe in the radical notion that women have rights, I.E- those with common sense.” She nodded, stroking her chin in thought.

“I like that… some things don’t change, do they?” she mused, and I half-shrugged.

“Ehhh… well, actually yeah. Pretty much.” I grumbled bitterly, shaking my head. Celestia just chuckled.

“You know, I actually made decent money shooting dice. Even if I didn’t have money- I offered up my clothes for the wager!” I was… taken a little aback by this.

“You gambled away the clothes off your back?” I asked, and she gave me a wide smirk.

“No no, you misunderstand. I offered up-” She gave me a knowing grin and lifted her skirt up to her knee- “My clothes. To the then-adolescent boys of my town I hung out with.” I nodded, noting that she currently didn’t look much past her early twenties. “I’d either walk away with a bunch of money or have to put on a quick show. Painless either way.” She smirked knowingly, and I couldn’t help but laugh.

“It’s Roman strip poker!” Celestia thought about what that meant, slowly cracking up with me. “What d’ya call that dress?” I asked her, “The All-Or-Nothing?” After a brief bout of laughter over Celestia’s cherished human memories, she calmed down and looked off to the side.

“Well… to say I lived in tumultuous times would be an understatement.” She said, and I started hearing the murmur of a crowd of voices, a general tone of unease and uncertainty expressed in a murmur of vulgar latin. “My memory is… hazy, since many a millennia have passed. But what I remember most is when all our soldiers were recalled to the mainland. We didn’t know for what reason- we didn’t know how long they’d be gone.” as she paused, I racked my brain trying to pinpoint when this was, or what event she was referencing.

I decided to give her a few moments of silence, likely preparing herself mentally. If… if she was Christian, that narrows it down to… my memory is hazy as well… Magnus Maximus’ dash for Rome (I think) and… probably the end. Albinus’ little excursion east was much earlier in the Empire’s history, I think. Roman history is neat- I just didn’t study it as much as later European history.

“For… for the last four years of my life, we were nearly completely cut off from Rome. I still can’t decide if everything fell apart quickly like dominoes, or if that was the longest four years I’ve ever experienced.” She spoke, getting my full attention as I finally figured it out… I think this is taking place in the early four-hundreds. In fact, I’m almost certain of it. “All we had left was our city watchmen to defend us. Imports from the mainland ceased overnight- No more garum, wine, iron, no lead to repair our plumbing, and… no more grain, tragically…” I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone look this haunted over a lack of bread.

“No more bread to feed our bellies. No more grain, with which to feed our livestock. No more grain to brew beer with. There were riots!” The haunted tone in her voice came with an uptick in background noise, sounding like a large crowd outside the library, chanting away in Latin… that gave way to muffled shouts of fear as Celestia looked away sheepishly.

My chair scooted forward in the blink of an eye, and I sat up and gently took her hand in mine. The young Albina looked up at me- the 53 year old Trinity- with a soft gaze, and I just gave her a smile. “You don’t have to keep going, you know?” I offered up, and the room calmed significantly as she lightly shook her head.

“Honestly? It’s one more soul that’ll know what I was before all this…” She mused with a shrug, and I nodded, returning my seat back. “The lack of garum was the worst, in my opinion.” She chuckled, “Imagine if you didn’t have access to any salt. That’s what garum was- salty, fermented fish slurry that gets filtered into what was called Liquamen.” I… couldn’t help but grimace as I imagined the smell. “Don’t think I can’t see that look! But don’t feel bad- my sister puked in her mouth when I described the process to her.”

My eyes shot open in realization- “Oh, I wanted to ask!” I interjected, and she nodded. “Your sister. Is she one of us?” She shook her head with a sad look, answering my question quite plainly.

“But anyways… My death. Even if just so we may draw parallels…” She said, looking off to the side and taking a deep breath. “It’d been so long, we were running out of everything. Our livestock turned fields of grass and much farmland into mud, and many of them had to be slaughtered, lest they starve to death. Because so much had been put towards keeping the valuable livestock relatively healthy, selling off wools and fabrics at whatever price they could be acquired for. The smiths in charge of creating weapons, armor, and other goods… had begun to run out of iron. Coffins had their nails pried out as more iron went towards trying to have a proper army.” She took a deep breath while I listened, hanging on to her every word.

“All the while, I was taking care of an infant I… Well, I never wanted a child.” She said with a shrug, “It almost spelled my end… but the little bastard spared me somehow. Spared me, for the fate that awaited me.” She took a deep, heavy breath, letting it out slowly.

“The kid never had a choice in that.” I said, pointing a finger at her… but she just scoffed.

“Judge me for a sentiment millennia old? I’m sure you don’t hide anything unsavory in your past, right?” I just put my hand up.

“Woah, woah, I didn’t mean it like that!” I said, and her glare softened. “That’s just… it hit close to home.” I murmured, looking off to the side.

‘I nevah… nevah wanted a kid!’ I heard Mamma’s voice in my ear, barely above a whisper. I winced, and Celestia gave me a sympathetic look. “She was… very drunk at the time.” I was almost certain she heard it too, just from the apologetic look she gave me. “We made up for it. ‘salright.” I just gave Celestia a smirk- all was forgiven, I waved with my hand.

“Barbarians came in ships from the north seas. The gates were closed, and the city held on for as long as it could. My uncle had a small band of mercenaries protecting his villa, and I spent my last days in this room.” She looked out the window as smoke rose from the city. The smell of burning filled the air once again as the shouts, droning in the distance, started to grow louder. “They held them back for five days. I suspect there may have been a traitor who attempted to bargain with the barbarians… but that’s just that. A suspicion; how else could a city; a walled, Roman city, fall to a barbarian horde so quickly?” She shook her head as the sounds of violence appeared to be emanating from the singular door to the library, which I eyed warily.

“They broke in. Killed my father and my uncle… then they found me-” She spoke frantically, fear tinging her voice.

CRASH!
BANG!

By the time the featureless, shirtless barbarian as Celestia remembered him, broke down the door- I’d already had my old Guardian Angel out, held in front of me with two hands. Maybe my intimate knowledge of ballistics somehow bled into Celestia’s conscious memory- because that viking now has a golf ball sized hole in his chest.

Celestia sat there with an expression of shock, soon melting away into a faint smile. She chuckled, the body disappearing in a wink as she was snapped out of it.

“Goodness me… almost went into a flashback.” She muttered, rubbing the back of her head; I gave her a wide grin, casually holstering the revolver in my waistband. “Are firearms actually that loud? I’ve never been around one firing before!” I simply nodded, unable to wipe the smirk off my face.

“They can get louder. They can get big.” I said, unable to resist. “I’m sorry you almost re-lived that… that’s what would’ve happened? Right?” I think I was kind of getting a vibe on how this dream-crap works. She nodded, regaining her composure.

“Sort of, yes. It’s complicated, and I just can’t be bothered right now.” She leaned back in her seat with a shrug, and I didn’t blame her. “After that, I found myself inside my mother.”

“As did I!” I said, giving her a smirk before saying- “After serving 20 years in prison awaiting my execution. Hence, the jumpsuit.” I lifted the collar to show her my prisoner ID tag, and Celestia did a double take.

“Twenty years?” She seemed surprised as she asked, “How old are you?” I cocked my eyebrow.

“Fifty-three.” I said, and she seemed taken aback. “What? What’s so surprising?” I asked, and she shrugged.

“You just… look young for someone so old.” I held my palms up in confusion.

“The fu- I ain’t that old!” I said with a laugh, “But look! I got gray hairs and crows feet already!” I said, pointing towards the face I remembered for emphasis. “I look my age!” She just snorted,

“Not where I’m from.” She said- and I realized something.

“I remembered reading in a book that ancient people would appear to age faster due to exposure to things like the sun and weathering. I wonder if that’s why you don’t think I look my age?” I asked, and Celestia simply said huh.

“Most fifty year olds from my time were about a week from the grave.” She joked, the two of us sharing a laugh. “Ah, but enough from me! Now it’s your turn to ramble for a bit!”

Well, if she wants me to- I decided that it was time for a change of scenery.

“Mind if we went somewhere else?” I stood up and asked, and she stood up with me. “How ‘bout where I got my education?” I asked, the scene changing in a blink. The mosaic floor widened and turned into large concrete tiles. The walls were cheap plaster over concrete, the windows of both the ground floor and the mezzanine level lined with bars. The rooms entrance and exit was also gated off with bars; the area furnished with tall, dark wooden bookshelves on both levels. Chairs and couches were set out haphazardly, with uncomfortable, angular edges on the sides, along with rows of desks opposite the bookshelves. “Green Dolphin Street prison library. This is where out of a sheer sense of boredom, I learned… everything that doesn’t have to do with being a gangster, really.” I joked with her as a large globe on a rolling cradle appeared between us.

She looked around, seemingly amused by the size of the library. “There’s laws that make it so prison didn’t completely suck. For example, mandatory access to enrichment material, IE- books and stuff.” She eyed the globe curiously.

“This… must be Terra Mater?” she guessed correctly, running a hand across it. She figured out how to turn it, examining Europe closely… seemingly ignorant of what was on the other side. “There’s the boot!” She said, pointing out Italy. Rome herself was marked with a star, as the modern capital of Italy. “The shape is different from what I expected- but it still looks like a boot!” I stood back, impressed- I expected to have to guide her through it as she slowly dragged her finger across the continent, deducing where everything was compared to whatever image she had in her head. She’d mutter place names under her breath, until she finally found Britannia… or, the United Kingdom.

“By this point in history, there are hardly any true ‘barbarians’ in Europe… aside from maybe the Russians, depending on who you ask. The world is, by and large, civilized and modern. In fact, Equus is currently in the early stages of the mass industrialization that brought the comforts of the modern age to everyone.” I moved up next to Celestia, rotating the globe around. “These are the Americas. New York is right here… within the United States.” I said, pointing to those locations while she stared at the map in surprise. “It’s a representative democracy… on paper… modeled after the early Roman Republic, on the idea that all men are created equal… and they really did mean men.” I said with a bitter laugh.

“How fascinating! Not only do we hail from different eras, but different landmasses entirely!” I giggled, unable to stop from saying-

“I told you this would be fun!” I sat back in my chair, relaxing and puffing a cigarette. She pulled up a chair of her own while I cracked my neck. “I was born not too long after the second massive war that spanned the entirety of Europe, almost causing it to collapse economically; the jews almost got wiped outta Europe because the Germans were led by some meth addict who… admittedly had some good ideas, all that other shit aside. But, it was the best outcome for the world when he shot himself in his bunker; otherwise, my father never would’ve been let off active duty, where he would then go on to get my mother pregnant.” I shrugged, while Celestia had a questioning look on her face.

“Germans… The Germanic peoples started a war that spanned across Europe?” I nodded, and Celestia chuckled. “Sounds about right. No further explanation needed.” I laughed at her casual dismissal of the Germans. “I wonder if it’s the colder climate that wiles them up so much?” I just shrugged in response.

“They conquered France for a while, er, Gaul, and basically wanted to invade all of Europe and genocide a bunch of people. Even the gays- so fuck the Nazi’s… er, the German political party. But I mean, it’s not much worse than what the Italians were doing at the time. Although, their earlier fascist ideologies are partially what inspired me to call Griffonia a National Syndicate. They later converted to something else, but that’s not important; they were pouring castor oil down the throats of political dissidents.” Her look of disdain and disgust surely matched mine, both of us cringing at the implication as to what that does. “The intent was to humiliate- and in some cases, they’d first hold them down and beat their asses with sticks until they bled, leading to an awful infection.”

“I… for your sake, I hope you’ve never-” But I interrupted her,

“God no! No, that’s fucked.” I said, and she nodded in relief… though admittedly, my wife’s done worse to other living beings. “No, but anyways… this is the reality of the world my father inhabited. From what little I remembered, the guy was a constant fucking wreck. He’d drink and hit my mother, whole nine yards. Something about the war just… made him so volatile.” I stood out of my chair, and suddenly, the scene was different.

A cool night wind brushed against my bare shoulders, and I leaned against the black iron railings of our apartment's fire escape. The red-brick building sat in the center of a T-intersection, so you could see straight down the street of the old neighborhood. All the storefronts had their lights off, all the cloth awnings receded, and the only light came from the moon and the street lamps… and the late-night pizza joint on the left corner of the intersection, which had Cadillacs parked out front. “Since my mother was a… caring, responsible woman…” I said sarcastically, “I’d often hide out here as a little girl when things started getting heated.”

The sound of a thump and a woman screaming came and went from the background, but I shook my head; Celestia stood up and leaned against the railing next to me, our shoulders brushing together briefly. “But despite all his negative bullshit, we were within the last great economic boom the United States would ever encounter… and we were still fucking broke. But, eh- fuck it. It is what it is.” I said, resting my elbows against the railing and holding my hands together with a scowl.

“Fuck, it just feels so cliche’d! My mother was a cunt, my father was a drunken idiot. Gah, it’s just… I feel whiney, you know?” I admitted with a chuckle, and Celestia shrugged a shoulder.

“I vented to you about my trauma, and it felt nice in the end. There’s no shame in what you went through because for both our realities, it doesn’t matter.” She giggled, and I cocked an eyebrow. “It felt nice admitting I was a gambler and a half-a-harlot, because it bears no real meaning to our day to day lives. Like a confession, in a way- I’m not the pony you think I am… but, all the better, right?” I think I kind of understood what I meant… and I couldn’t help but give her a sly grin. At the time, not able to easily see her face next to me, a realization struck; as she spoke, she used many of the same hand gestures I did, just with more… variety. I guess the Italians have been talking with their hands since the age of Rome. Maybe I didn’t notice because subconsciously, I expect people to move their hands when they talk? Fuck if I know, and I’m off this tangent now.

“Does this have something to do with your Friendship is Magic gospel?” I asked sarcastically, and she snorted out laughter.

“Is that what you’re calling it?” She asked while giggling, “I suppose it is!” Ultimately, I nodded in agreement.

“Like, what… I never understood the big deal of that. Don’t get me wrong, friendship is good- but like…” She turned to me, cocking an eyebrow as I stammered out- “It’s just… why you gotta make it sound so… childish?” I asked with a blush, and she chuckled.

“So only children are allowed to have friends?” She asked with a wink, and I looked off to the side. “The question is, how is this any different from, say… a slumber party?” I just gave her a questioning look. Before I could respond, she continued- “I invited you to my room out of a place of friendship, we’re telling stories, getting to know each-other… for someone who doesn’t preach the gospel as you put it, you’re doing quite well!” Friendship is practically the Equestrian state religion, I gotta keep reminding myself that. But I gave her a wide, dumb smile.

“I’m sorry, this is a slumber party now?” I asked, “What we doin’ after this? We wanna have a pillow fight, do each other's makeup, or maybe we can practice making out on each other?” I asked with a laugh, only for Celestia to look me dead in the eye and cock an eyebrow… I looked off to the side with a blush, sputtering out- “That was a joke, of course!”

“I never said I’d be opposed.” My head shot over, only for me to see the smug grin on her face. “You seem to enjoy using sexual things in an attempt to get a rise out of someone or make them uncomfortable.” I huffed, looking back over the balcony with a glare. “The look on your face was priceless.” She chuckled, and I couldn’t help but smirk, though still with a faint blush on my cheeks.

“Bah, you win, bitch!” I said with a snort. “I uh… I admit I…” I let out a despondent sigh; I mean, I sure as shit wasn’t gonna admit to her I couldn’t get her body out of my mind. It’s nothing emotional; I’d just love to motorboat those tits far more than I’d love to form an emotional bond… What's wrong with me? Nothing. I just like tits, especially in my mouth. Tragically, my wife’s tits are the size of walnuts; but that’s just how ponies are. “Ahh, you fuckin’ got me… How ‘bout we keep this between us and get back to the story?” I asked, and she nodded with a kind, but still kind of smug smile.

I shook my head, puffing on a cigarette with a sigh, overlooking the old neighborhood. “I was five years old, just got home from my first week of kindergarten… er, early education. Anyways, I get home, and I’m hungry… so, I decided to find my parents… I checked the bedroom, and found daddy. He… blew his brains out about as soon as I walked in. I don’t think he even saw me- but it doesn’t matter.” I shrugged, honestly not feeling much for the guy.

“Excuse me… blew his brains out?” Celestia asked, and I smirked. I made a finger gun with my right hand, “He grabbed a pistol.” I stuck my thumb in the air as I pointed to the right side of my head.

BANG!

The gunshot rang out exactly how I remembered it, but my finger was still a finger, pointed at the side of my head.

“I see…” Celestia muttered, and I simply nodded frankly.

“Even before my mother packed up all her stuff and skipped town without me, I was basically being raised by the gangsters in my neighborhood.” I pointed down at the pizza shop with my cigarette still between my fingers. “Vincenzo’s. That little pizza joint functioned as a front for Johnni, one of the local Capo’s…” I noticed the confusion on her face, so I had to back up a little.

“A front? Like, for organized crime?” She asked, and I simply nodded. “That… doesn’t shock me, somehow.” She intoned, and I gave her a wide grin.

“Full disclosure, this was an entirely criminal enterprise. The Italian mafia essentially controlled swathes of America’s largest cities, especially centering around little pockets of Italian-American culture, like this one.” I said, the night sky rapidly being swapped out for a dim, smoggy afternoon. The store fronts were open, with their little stands and display carts rolled out front to help hawk their goods. The sound of life and cars moving could be heard, but much of the street was a ghost town. “Why is it that my memories feel so much clearer?” I asked Celestia, and was surprised to hear a quiet sigh.

“Because they are.” She said simply, and I somewhat regretted bringing this up. “Even with my near-eternal youth… occasionally marred by malnutrition or injury, all temporary in nature… I’ve found that my time as a… human have began to fade… When at one time it was as clear as a window, I’ve been unable to prevent the obscuring of landscape and place… or the insistent blurring of details, the melting conversations and faces, even my chronology of events, I don’t fully trust!” She had a sense of urgency in her voice- almost like a fear of sorts. I held my hand out over the balcony, looking over to her with a warm smile. She slowly turned with a smirk, taking my hand in hers with a gentle nod.

“But, at least for me- My life as a pony? I remember quite well. May we have a clear day?” She asked while she looked to the sky with a smile, the smog disappearing in a blink as the dirt and grime of the city blurred. “I remember the shock and fear of waking up in a new place, in a new body! The caring look of my Mother still seared in my mind as clear as the first day I beheld her.” I felt my eyes welling up, as I knew exactly what she was referring to. I was looking down at the street below, but her gaze remained on the sky, though we still held hands.

“Did you try to learn everything all at once too, only for your brain so just… fails on you?” I asked, and she nodded rapidly. “Just reading and writing until you just… went straight to bed?” She rubbed the side of her face with an odd sigh.

“I still don’t know if that was some divine punishment for something, or just a normal symptom of trying to stuff a fully rendered soul into an undeveloped brain… but it’s comforting to know I’m not the only one to have experienced troubles because of it.” I agreed with a nod, neither of us needing to elaborate on what we meant, because we both experienced it. The thirst for knowledge and the thirst for applejuice often coincided, occasionally leading to disastrous consequences. ‘Nuff said.

“Fuckin’ crazy we’re the only two people in history to have to experience that and remember it.” She nodded, but continued- “I’m thankful for much of the other stuff I can remember, the good stuff, at least… but the bad stuff? Ehh, not so much.” She huffed with a bitter smirk.

“I’m sure you’ve read about my grief within many stories and tales, but take it from me personally; having to use the Elements of Harmony on my own sister was a decision that haunts me to this very day, though clear hindsight tells me it was the right choice. The only choice.” I’ve read the history plenty of times; after the rule of Discord, and the consolidation of power by the Princesses, Equestria adopted a system of 24/7 court to help rule the chaotic land. It was useful for a while, but as things stabilized, Luna’s night court gained less and less popularity. “The pain and anguish of realizing I’d sent my baby sister to wander the Moon for God knows how long, and having to stare up at the warped caricature that Demon made of her every night?”

The sound of a pain-filled, anguished cry filled our ears, and I gripped Celestia’s hand tighter. I heard incoherent, pain-filled babbling in Latin… Celestia’s regretful lament for her baby sister.

“It’s not a decision you ever take lightly, especially not when family’s involved.” I affirmed, “It was something that had to be done- but the fact that you opted for a less permanent solution is nothing but admirable.” She huffed with a smirk.

“Enough of this depressing tangent. Things are fantastic- and we still have plenty of time to burn.” I shook my head with a smile. Who knew we’d share so much in common? “You were telling a story!” She giggled, and I smirked.

“Anyways… where was I?” I mused, looking over the… oddly wavy landscape. “The fuh-” I muttered, feeling sweat beading on my forehead. I couldn’t find my words, looking Celestia in her rapidly widening eyes.

“Oh goodness… You’re sicker than I expected. My apologies, I didn’t think this would happen!” I felt a burp coming up, so I covered my mouth with a fist and held it down. She let go of my other hand, the two of us turning and taking a step back from each other. “Try to get to a bucket!” I heard her yell a warning as I threw off my covers.

I held acrid bile back as I dashed to my bathroom, almost tripping because I expected to stand bi-pedally. I stumbled and burst through the door, doubling over the can to puke my guts out.

I panted heavily through my beak, drenched in sweat and shivering quite badly as I leaned against the wall with a hand. I was still trying to spit the chunks out of my beak when my stomach flipped around for round two, tears and snot involuntarily rolling down my cheeks.

My upset tummy eventually began to settle, and I was finally able to wash the awful taste out of my chattering, runny beak. My face felt like it was burning and my back hurt worse than usual. I flushed and went over to the sink, rinsing my mouth before drinking greedily from the tap. On my dry, bitter tongue, this water was like holy water. It tasted more crisp than mountain water fresh from a spring. I then grabbed a towel and blew into it desperately, hoping in vain my airways would stay as clear as they were now… but it was all for nought.

I cleaned my shivering face as best as I could before hopping wearily into bed, tucking myself in as best as I could and looking at the ceiling. The morning sun peering through the window told me my wife was already out and about for the day. Normally when I was this sick, with a fever clouding my mind this bad- I’d stare at the ceiling and trace the patterns in the swirling texture with my eyes. Sometimes I picture them like rivers, tracing where they’d flow if a water source was added in one of the lower divots, tracing them with a blue line in my head… Sometimes I do it even when I’m just laying in bed tired, unable to sleep.

Am I the only one that does that? Am I weird? But questions like that took a backseat in my mind as I recalled that wonderful little exploration I just shared with Celestia.

It was quite fascinating and insightful- a unique look into a part of our psyches we’ve never shared with anyone, purely because of the odd fascination and questioning we’ve both no doubt had around it. Oddly? I felt less alone in this world. It was nice.

“She’s aw’right.” I muttered to myself, getting distracted and tracing the ceiling again.

---

Celestia stood in her kitchen, admiring the dim twilight outside of her window, the smell of dew on the grass wafting through the open window. She sipped a fresh cup of her favorite tea, sighing in content as she grabbed the pot and cup in her telekinesis.

She made her way through her quiet villa confident she wouldn’t run into anyone, shutting her bedroom door behind her as she set the tea at her writing desk. She sat at a cushion in front of it, clicking a pen in her magic as she began to write on the empty pages of a diary.

‘Today, I made a friend. Even better- one who has no inherent bias, nor does she live in the villa! Such a fascinating outside perspective, that I’m baffled as to why no-pony seems to take her seriously in Equestria!’ Celestia clicked her tongue in thought. ‘And truthfully? I remembered Leona bringing up Marksism… and I can’t help but keep thinking back on the point she made. Perhaps a copy would help me pass judgment? But all that aside… it’s quite nice to know I’m not completely alone in this universe… as a ‘human,’ that is.’

Celestia sipped her tea, sighing with a smile. Things have gotten a bit lonely around her home since Luna rejoined the political fray; it felt nice to have someone who would listen.