1 - Who’s Big Mac.

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Doctor Dream Heart had been the psychiatrist and therapist for Ponyville General Hospital for several years now. A rather boring position with very little patients for her to take care of. She could only think of a handful of clients she had seen regularly over the past few years, and all of them were rather regular cases for her. None with any serious issues that had to be addressed. A small town like Ponyville was nothing if not peaceful, even if that meant that the hospital staff were almost always trying to find something to occupy their time with.

For Dream Heart, that was the latest Daring Do novel. A series she had begun indulging in after she found the need to pass the time in her office. ‘And as Daring Do descended into the pit, her eyes caught sight of the glittering golden city that laid just beneath the-‘.

Knock Knock. A rare visitor for the Doctor had appeared, right before she got to the big reveal of the golden city. Dream Heart did her best to hide her annoyance, tucking the book away underneath her desk before speaking. “Come in.” She said evenly, expecting a nurse or another doctor to come in. Not for a consultation, probably just to have lunch with her.

Who she didn’t expect to see come in was Ponyville’s resident apple farmer. An orange mare with a loosely tied blonde mane, three apples adorning her flank, and a stetson hat atop her head. Out of politeness, she removed the hat and held it to her chest while inside the office.

“‘Scuse me, ma’am,” said the farm mare with her country twang, “You are Dr. Heart, right? The psychologist.”

“Yes, but you can call me Dr. Dream, there’s a lot of Hearts in our hospital.” She couldn’t even begin to count the amount of times she had been mistaken for the Head Nurse Redheart. “Applejack, if I am correct?”

“Yes ma’am, ah mean- Dr. Dream.” Applejack nodded her head.

“I know you have heard it already, but it would be awful for me not to thank you for the barrels of cider you and your family donate to the hospital each year. They’re gone faster than you can swallow when cider season comes.”

Applejack grew a smile hearing those words. “Well o’ course. For everythin’ you all do fer Ponyville, it’s the least we can offer.” That warm grin fell back down afterward. Dream noted an annoyed twitch coming from her right eye. “That ain’t what ah’m here for today, though.”

“Of course,” Dream sat up in her chair and gestured to the seat across from her desk. Applejack took the seat and tried to keep her breath even and slow. Something was making the farmer angry, but she was trying to keep herself cool. “How can I help you, Applejack?”

“It ain’t fer me. Ah was hopin’ ah could convince you to come and see my brother.”

“Your brother? I believe his name is…”

“Big Mac, Big Macintosh Apple.”

“Ah! Yes, Big Macintosh. Is there something wrong that I can assist with?”

“No-… well yes, maybe. It’s difficult to explain.” Applejack’s twitches grew more apparent. “Ah don’t think it’s anythin’ more than my brother bein’ a stubborn ass, but on the slightest chance ah’m wrong, he may need help.”

“Can you give me some details? Did something happen that made you believe he needs a psychologist?”

Dream was quick to catch any body movements made by Applejack. Her twitching was obvious. The way she shifted in her seat as she continued was another piece of the puzzle. Applejack’s eyes never stayed on the Doctor for too long, shifting away and wandering elsewhere. Talking about this topic alone was creating a point of frustration or anger in the mare. She also seemed uncomfortable approaching Dream about this, as if she wasn’t sure it was necessary. Her preliminary guess was some form of relationship trouble between siblings. Co-running a farm as large and important as Sweet Apple Acres is bound to create some conflict between families sometimes.

Applejack let out a long sigh. “A few days ago, me an’ Big Mac got into a big fight. It started off with us arguin’ over what apple varieties we were gonna plant for the new growth, then it grew into somethin’… a bit more personal.”

“The next day, my brother started actin’ differently, and every day since.”

“Could you describe what kind of changes? What in particular stood out to you?”

Applejack’s nose released a vent of hot air. “His routine ain’t changed a bit! Still the same worker he’s always been, he’s been doin more work in a day than we usually finish in two days, but he talks to me in ways that ah ain’t ever seen him do before.”

“What kind of ways?”

“He talks!” Applejack exclaims, “Ah’ve gotten used to learnin’ how to read my brother, because he’s normally the quiet type, but now he’s talkin. Which- Yeah ah know that doesn’t sound bad, but for Mac it’s weird!”

Dream was leaning more towards sibling dispute at this point. “Were there any other parts of his behavior that felt different?”

“Yup, that one ain’t even the biggest issue!” Applejack wasn’t trying to hide her anger. Her nose was flared, eyes narrowed, “My brother has been actin like he ain’t my brother for days now!”

“And what made you believe that he doesn’t see himself as your brother?”

“Because he outright told me!!” She barked at Dream. Applejack’s anger wasn’t enough to cause the doctor to recoil in surprise, but her eyes did widen, a gesture the farm pony recognized.

“Ah’m sorry, that was rude o’ me.”

“It’s alright, being told by family that you are not family would certainly be a good reason to be angry. I can imagine that makes you feel frustrated.”

“It does! He made up a stupid name, and keeps actin’ like ah’m a stranger!”

“And why do you think he is doing it?”

“To piss me off! Ah made him mad and now he wants to get back at me!”

“Has he done anything like this before?” Asked Dream Heart

“No.”

“Miss Applejack, you told me at the start that you didn’t think Big Mac was being anything more than a stubborn ass, but you also said he may need help. I think you’re here today because you do believe something else is going on, is that correct?”

Applejack, ever the honest mare, couldn’t hide her uncomfortable shifting. None of the boiling hot anger she had before, just an unsure tension that radiated from her. “…Ah still think he’s bein’ an ass, but ah still care for my brother even if he doesn’t care about me. He’s dead serious about this ‘not bein my brother’ thing, and he wasn’t one for lyin’ before. If he actually does believe it, then ah need to make sure he gets the help he needs. Just like any good sister would.”

“And if he’s actually fakin’ it, then ah get a good excuse to buck him in the flank!”

That was enough for Dream Heart to place a question mark next to the “sibling dispute” angle she was working with in her head. There certainly was a sibling dispute involved, but she felt there was something deeper in the description Applejack had provided her. A stallion who one day acts like a complete stranger to his own family. An interesting case, and one Dream Heart would be happy to help with. There was just one problem.

“I would be more than happy to meet with Big Macintosh and talk to him, did he come with you to the hospital today?”

Applejack shook her head. “That’s the other problem. When ah offered this therapy stuff to him, he refused. Ah was hopin’ you’d be willing to come to the farm, talk to him there.”

Dream scrunched up her face, that was the real problem. “Unless Big Macintosh is a danger to himself or others, I'm afraid there is nothing I can do. I cannot force him to partake in therapy that he does not want to partake in.”

“Well then how am ah supposed to help him? He kept tellin’ me how we can’t afford it! Ah don’t even know what that means!”

The meaning behind that was lost to Dream as well. Why would he be worried about the cost? “My door will always be open, you can try to convince him. Let him know that I am interested in talking to him, and that it will be completely free. Just come by when he has free time.”

“You don’t know my brother, he’s as stubborn as a mule. There’s no way he’ll change his mind.”

“But if Big Macintosh truly is somepony else right now, perhaps he can be reasoned with?”

What she said left a mark on Applejack. Dream noted the way her words sunk in. The realization of a possibility she didn’t want to accept was coming to the farm pony. She didn’t speak for several moments while taking in that revelation. Applejack let it settle at the pit of her stomach before she spoke again.

“Ah understand what you mean, doc. Ah’ll try an’ convince him.”

Dream Heart smiled. “That’s good to hear. I hope to see you again soon.”

Work, for me, has always been a therapeutic experience. I worked in a mechanic’s shop, fixing cars was my day to day life. Talking with the customers or dealing with the boss was always a pain, but when I was left alone with a job to do, I couldn’t be any happier. My mind and body became occupied in routine tasks it knew how to do over and over and over again. Replacing tires, oil changes, body work, alignments, any number of jobs on a car needed time and effort to complete. Time and effort that wasn’t spent making small talk or thinking about things I didn’t want to think about. There was a job to do, and I could clear my mind and focus completely on it.

For that reason alone, I should be happy that I ended up in the one body in Ponyville who perfectly matched my work philosophy. I wasn’t happy, but I had plenty of work to keep me occupied. As long as I didn’t think too hard about walking on four legs or not having fingers.

Today was grass cutting. Two fields on the farm needed to be cut down to be made into hay. Thankfully, this was a job I could do solo. I wasn’t comfortable being around Apple Bloom or Granny Smith, and especially didn’t want to be around Applejack. The conversations I've already had with this body’s sister haven’t gone well at all.

The grass cutter fit nicely onto the harness fitted around my neck, and the steady rhythm of hauling it behind me was a nice distraction from all the thoughts creeping up inside my head. Questions I’ve been asking myself on repeat ever since I woke up in the body of a giant red furred stallion. There were no answers I could give the questions, so I worked myself out until I was too exhausted to care about it.

It took a lot to make this body exhausted. Hauling a giant blade around my own neck barely phased this muscled farm pony body. It could walk for days on end and probably keep going another two more. If I put enough force into a buck, I could snap a tree off from its trunk through sheer force. It was all too easy, and I had to do triple the work I used to do at the shop to achieve any challenge. That didn’t feel right, it wasn’t right. My body couldn’t handle this, his body could.

So where was he?

“Big Mac!” The voice of his sister rang in my ears, and I couldn’t stop the audible groan that came from my throat. I had avoided having any kind of conversation with the rest of the Apple Family, except for Applejack. She was the only one who had heard me speak the truth so far, which made it all the more annoying when she called me that.

“Ah am not Big Mac.” I said, unable to prevent the twang from coming out. A leftover from the real Big Mac. My grass cutting rounds were cut short, and I stood still as Applejack approached me in the field.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, you ain’t Big Mac.” She rolled her eyes, “But ah ain’t callin you a gryphon name, so Big Mac it is.”

My eye twitched. Even before Applejack’s refusal to accept my real name, I was annoyed at her. What for? I’m not quite sure, but as soon as I saw her I could feel the anger building in my chest. Was Big Mac always this unhappy seeing his sister, and his body just reacted as it naturally would? I don’t know, but it didn’t help my ability to speak normally with her.

“Yer cuttin the fields for hay?”

“Eeyup.”

“We were plannin’ on doin’ the grass cuttin’ next week. Why are ya doin’ it now?”

“Ran outta work, ah needed somethin’ to do, grass cuttin’ it is.”

Applejack opened her mouth, clearly looking to argue with me. Probably about not overworking yourself or sharing the workload or some other dumb argument like that. I could get it done, why shouldn’t I do it? Otherwise I would have had a slow day today, and slow days mean thinking about things I didn’t want to think about. I never found out what argument she would make, however, as she shut herself up and held back.

“Ah went to Ponyville General today and met with Dr. Dream Heart.”

Oh this again. I groaned, and Applejack pressed before I could argue back. “Look Mac, if yer entrenched on this idea that you ain’t my brother, despite lookin and feelin and talkin just like him, the least you can do is see somepony who can help you figure that out!”

“Ah don’t need to see somebody cause ah already know what’s wrong! Ah’m not Big Mac, Big Mac isn’t talkin, and until ah can find him in this big head o’ his, ah’m stuck here!”

“And yer really figurin’ out where Big Mac is by cuttin’ the grass a week early?”

All I could do was glare. She called me out perfectly. I still had a few arguments to make at least. “The farm can’t afford to pay some doctor to look inside mah head!”

“That’s the dumbest thing ah’ve ever heard you say. The therapy’s free for Celestia’s sake! Ya don’t pay a bit fer it.”

…Drat. I probably should have thought that Equestrian healthcare would be better than what I had before. “…There’s still plenty of work ta-“

“You have already done a week’s worth of workin’ in three days, Mac. If anythin’, you have a vacation to use.”

I could feel my throat rumble as I growled at her. “What is the doctor supposed to do?! Ah don’t need therapy, ah need an expert on souls to dig me outta here and pull Mac back up!”

“Well ah’m sorry to say, but Ponyville’s a bit short on soul experts. So Dr. Dream is gonna be your next best bet!” Applejack sighed in exasperation. “Please, Mac. If ya don’t want to do it for yerself, do it for me, or Apple Bloom, or Granny. If ya still care about ‘em at all. They’ve noticed the change in you too, so either we gotta settle the problems between us right now and stop this nonsense… or ya gotta get some help. Please…”

Ponies had one advantage that I couldn’t overcome, and that was the big, adorable eyes that they used. Applejack was weaponizing them against me with that pained expression on her face. There was a part of Big Mac’s body that wrenched at the mere sight of a pained and concerned Applejack. Actually, that could have just been me.

“…Fine! One visit, that’s all ah’m promisin’.”

Applejack forced herself to smile, maybe part of that smile was real, but I could tell she had to hold back words behind gritted teeth to make it. Not that I didn’t already know she didn’t believe me. “Good, she said she was interested in meetin’ you, so get goin.”

“Ah still gotta finish the grass.”

“Ah’ll finish it.”

If there was one thing I knew about Applejack, it’s that she was incredibly stubborn. Big Mac was stubborn too, but not in the same way. I huffed and disconnected myself from the grass cutter. “Fine.”

“Fine,”

“Ah’m still not Big Mac.”

“And Ah’ll believe ya if the doctor agrees!” She called out while hitching herself up to what was previously his job.

Now he had nothing to occupy his mind, so he started thinking, and he really didn’t like thinking.

Being in Ponyville still made me nervous. I had to come to town once two days ago to deliver some apples, and I swore I felt that ponies noticed I was different. I wasn’t Big Macintosh, and as much as his mannerisms and colloquialisms made me feel like Big Mac, there was no way I could hide it from the ponies who actually knew him.

Big Mac never rushed anywhere, so I kept a slow pace, but I really wanted to gallop as fast as possible through town. The less time here, the better. Ponyville General was on the opposite side of Ponyville that Sweet Apple Acres was on. It was hardly an exercise for this walking pile of muscles, but it did mean passing by every major landmark on my way.

Which included Sugarcube Corner.

“Hey Macky!” A pink mare with a darker pink mane hopped in front of me. Pinkie Pie, the town’s resident party planner and baker at the Sugarcube Corner. She was also the self proclaimed friend of every single pony in Ponyville. With her incredible memory, manic personability, and amazing baking skills, it wasn’t just a proclamation, it was fact. Nopony in Ponyville wasn’t Pinkie’s friend, and she made sure she knew about each and every one of them.

That long list of friends she kept track of also included Big Macintosh. “Are you heading somewhere?” She asked me.

“Eeeyup.”

“Is it the library?”

“Nnnope.”

“Oh! The spa!”

“Nnnope.”

“Oh! I know! You’re going to visit Dr. Dream Heart at the Hospital!”

What the absolute hell, how did you guess that Pinkie Pie?!

“Or that’s what I just did, actually. She didn’t want a party for her birthday so I promised one whole week of cupcakes for her birthday! She just got fifth one today.” Pinkie hopped in one place as she hummed out her words. “Anyways, gotta run, nice seeing you Macky!”

The pink mare wasted no time at all bouncing away to the tune of a song. While I breathed a sigh of relief. I may have told Applejack who I really was, but I am not ready to make it clear to the entire town that I took over Big Mac’s body. His family was always around him, so hiding it would only have made it harder to talk to ponies like Applejack. Which was already pretty hard to do. I didn’t want to make the entire town start seeing him as a crazy person when he got back.

He was going to come back eventually. I couldn’t be in his body forever.

The nurse at the front desk of the hospital was expecting my arrival, or at least I thought she did. Nurse Redheart, I knew her, and apparently she knew I was coming.

“Hi, Big Mac,” She said with a warm smile, I did my best to try and give that patented Big Mac look to her. Redheart didn’t notice or didn’t care. “I believe Dr. Dream Heart is expecting you?”

“…Eeyup.”

“Just down this hallway, three doors on the left.” Redheart gestured toward the hall that adjoined the waiting room.

“Thank ya.” I said, only barely able to hide my annoyance. Applejack had set him up. She knew those adorable little sister eyes would work on his body’s big brother tendencies. This was Big Mac’s fault, not mine.

It felt like the longest walk of my life, going from that lobby to the doctor’s office. I knew what awaited me there, I knew what they would say, and I was dreading every moment I stepped toward that fate. There was no way a therapist could help me, they couldn’t find where the hell Big Mac went. She wouldn’t know why I’m alone in his head, trying to figure out what to do to fix it. That was far beyond some mental health issues, I needed Princess Celestia, or… I don’t know! Just not a psychiatrist!

I could just turn around, walk out… But all I had to do to get Applejack off my back was talk to the doctor once… Who knows, maybe it won’t be entirely awful. He knocked on the door, and a mare’s voice called to let him in. When he opened the door, a light blue unicorn mare with a short purple mane stood waiting for me with a smile. White spectacles sat on the top of her muzzle, accenting the mint colored eyes behind them. A cartoonish dream bubble adorned her flank, as if ripped straight out of a comic book. I also noted the cupcake crumbs on her mouth from Pinkie Pie’s fifth birthday present for her.

I prepared for the worst, and stepped inside.

Dream Heart heard a heavy knock against her office door. Smiling to herself, Applejack must have been successful. She stood up from her seat. “Come in,” She called to the door.

When it opened, she was met with by far the largest stallion she had ever met. The red furred pony with a short orange mane practically towered over her smaller frame. Hell, she could probably ride on his back. Green eyes stared down at her with a tinge of annoyance dulling their color. The Big part of Big Macintosh was making a lot more sense.

“Ah, you must be Big Macintosh.” Dream Heart said, holding her smile up and extending a hoof towards him. The stallion took her small hoof into his far larger hoof and shook.

“Nnnope.” He shook his, placing his hoof back down. Surprisingly gentle with his shake. Dream Heart realized her first mistake immediately. Applejack already told her that he was going by a different name.

“I’m sorry, that was rude of me to assume.” She said, “My name is Dr. Dream Heart, you can call me Dream, if you’d like. What is your name?”

Big Macintosh didn’t reply immediately, his brow was raised at him. Clearly he didn’t expect somepony to accept any other name than Big Macintosh. It was important for her to assess who exactly she was talking to.

“Gabriel.” The large stallion said, “And no, it ain’t got nothin’ to do with griffins.”

Her first thought was griffins, good that he corrected that immediately. It takes away a possible path of questions she would have taken. “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Gabriel.” Dream gestured to the nearby couch. “Would you like to take a seat?”

His eyes narrowed when she motioned to the couch, but he still went to sit on it. The floorboards underneath him creaked as the weight of his body pressed onto the cushion.

“If ya don’t mind, doctor, ah’d like ta skip ahead a bit.” Gabriel said while she took a seat of her own. Dream tilted her head at the comment.

“What would you like to skip, exactly?”

“The part where ya try ta explain what’s gonna happen and how ah can say whatever ah feel like. We both know why ah’m here so let’s just get to the meat of it.”

He doesn’t want to be here. It didn’t take her doctorate to figure that out. If he wanted to get right to it, then she had to oblige. “What would you say is the meat of it, Gabriel?”

Her horn lit up to bring a notebook and pen to use for this impromptu session. It wasn’t like she had anything scheduled anyway.

“Ya know what the meat of it is, yer saying the name of it. It’s me!” He let out a hot snort. “Ah’m not Big Macintosh, ah’m Gabriel. Ah woke up in his body, and ah have no idea why or where he ended up. That’s the problem, ah don’t think you have a way of bringing back a soul. Anythin’ else?”

Dream raised a brow at his response, and looked away from her notebook to regard his posture, his angry disposition towards her, the way his ear flicked while it waited for a response. “You are correct, I don’t have a method that would bring Big Macintosh as you know him back, but that isn’t why I wanted to talk to you.”

“And what exactly were you hopin’ to talk about?”

“About you, Gabriel. I want to talk about you.”

Gabriel’s combative posture he had been holding since the moment he sat down finally had a crack. He didn’t respond after she said that, so she pressed on.

“I am not able to influence the soul, and I certainly have no influence on the mind. What my role is here is to be a listener, to hear your story. Have you had a moment to talk about who you are, and not Big Macintosh?”

No, he hasn’t. His ear flicked again and he’s avoiding eye contact. Gabriel is unsure of what to say, but Dream couldn’t press him any further yet. She waited patiently until he was ready to answer.

“Applejack doesn’t believe me, and the only other person who knows is you. Ah don’t want to involve anypony else in this. Ah just want to get out of his body, everypony will be better off that way.”

Everypony will be better off that way. Dream Heart made sure to write that down. “I understand, but perhaps taking the time to tell this story could help find a clue as to why you are where you are.”

I didn’t like how much sense Dr. Dream had said already. If there was one thing I had been avoiding since landing in Big Mac’s head, it was really contemplating my circumstances. I was never good at these types of serious talks, so I drowned them out with work.

“Would you be willing to tell me how you came to be Big Macintosh? If that is something you can tell me.”

Now was the time to really think about it. “…Ah was sleepin, ah think. What happened just before it is fuzzy fer me… but when ah woke up, ah was big and red and four legged. That was four days ago now.”

“Four legged? Were you not a pony before now?”

I shook my head. “You ain’t gonna believe me, unless ya know what a human is.”

“I cannot say that I do, could you describe it to me?”

“Imagine a tall, hairless monkey, only hair we got was on the top of our heads like a mane. Walkin on two legs, with two hands to hold things with.”

“I see… and you were a human, then?”

“Eeyup. A mechanic. Ah worked on-“ The description of a car probably wasn’t necessary, so I decided to skip that part. “Ah worked on machinery, fixed it up, made it run better. That was my livelihood, before this, well, this happened.”

“And you only remember falling asleep? Do you remember where you were?”

Holy shit, Gabe watch out! Gabriel!!

“…Ah think ah was at the shop. Normally ah don’t doze off while ah’m workin.”

“Could you describe to me what it was like, that morning when you woke up as Big Macintosh?”

“Panicking, at first. Imagine ya wake up with somebody else’s memories stacked on top of yer own. Also imagine ya have a completely different body that ya gotta learn how to use. Doesn’t go that well.”

“I can imagine, were you able to get used to this body? You seem comfortable enough as of now.”

“Big Mac’s got plenty of his own muscle memory. As long as ah don’t think about what ah’m doin too hard, it’s not too hard.”

“And that’s what you have been doing? Tapping into parts of Big Mac to function day to day?”

“Eeyup.” I nodded my head, “Ah didn’t talk like this before either.”

Dream’s ears perked up. “Oh? Do you think you could show me how you talked before? Is that something you are able to show me?”

…Was it? The voice in my head was exactly what I thought I sounded like. Maybe… I worked my throat and mouth until I felt comfortable trying, and then spoke.

“Ah…I spoke a little bit like this. I didn’t have any draaaw-… drawl in my voice.” When it worked, it really worked. It sounded exactly like how I remembered, even if it was hard to hold together.

“Did you have a typical accent for a pony- I’m sorry, human from where you lived?”

“Ah’d say so.” It was far too much effort to keep up my original accent in Big Mac’s body, so I didn’t bother. “Ah was nobody special.”

“And did you have any family or friends to speak of? You do not have to answer if it makes you uncomfortable.”

Thinking about them reminded me that I wouldn’t see them again as long as I was here. A painful thought, but it wasn’t one that stopped me from speaking to them. “Parents died when ah was about ten, it was me an’ my sister after that. She… “

Why would you say that to me, Mac?!

“…Ah’d rather not.”

“It’s okay to refuse.” The Doctor must have filled an entire page worth of notes, and has flipped to a new one… or was this the third page? She’s been writing a lot. “You said earlier that you have memories of somepony else stacked on top of your own. Are they Big Mac’s?”

“Eeyup.”

“Does that mean you recall his own memories? Can you remember what happened to Big Mac before you took over?”

“…” I could, at least partly. Except I didn’t want to say it. The moment I recall that memory, guilt pours up from my chest, weighing me down like sandbags. What happened that day hurt Big Macintosh, and it still hurts me now. “Ah can’t recall, no.”

She eyed me for a moment, but nodded her head and continued writing. I was dying to know at this point what she had been writing down. “What’s your evaluation then, Doctor?”

“I’m sorry?” She asked me.

“Your evaluation of me, mah diagnosis. Ah assumed ya were thinkin’ about somethin’ with all that writin’.”

“Were you expecting me to have a diagnosis for you today, Gabriel?”

“…Nnnope, cuz there ain’t no disorder that fits the bill.”

“I wouldn’t say that.”

My eyes narrowed, I could feel the fur on my borrowed body standing on end. She wasn’t supposed to say that. “And what’s that?” I asked, with a bit more aggression than I expected.

“Gabriel, I would not do you the disservice of placing any diagnosis upon you so early. While I may think about what you have told me and consider the possibilities, I do not know enough to say anything conclusively.”

“So ah knew it, this was a waste of time.” I got up from the coach and groaned, whatever this doctor had to say, I didn’t want to hear it. I couldn’t hear it. There was nothing outside of outright magic that explained what happened to me. Why else would I be stuck in a pony land in the body of a horse?!

“Please wait.” Dream said just before I grabbed the door. His body stopped, and I was forced to wait. Damn him and his stupid body. Why wouldn’t it listen to me?

“You’re frustrated, and you don’t think there is anypony in the world who can help you, I get that. However, if you truly believed there was no way for me to help you, I don’t think you would have come.”

“No, Ah came because of Applejack and her stupid eyes! Ah came so ah wouldn’t hurt Apple Bloom and Granny! Ah know there ain’t no single damn pony in the entirety of Equestria that can explain what happened ta me, or help him come back. So until Big Mac comes back to his family, his home, his life, I’ll keep livin and workin. So that ah don’t go and screw everythin’ up!”

I could feel the heat of my blood pumping through me. My breath was heavy in the anger and aggression I felt. I was sick and tired of being told all of this. After my outburst, I didn’t have the energy left in my to be angry anymore, and I looked at the ground instead.

“…Ah’m not the one that needs yer help.”

“…” Dream was hesitant to talk, probably because I just screamed at her. I was big, and intimidating, and I just yelled at a small unicorn like her. Great job, me. I stared at the ground in front of me, holding back tears. Until I felt a gently hoof touch my foreleg.

She didn’t say anything, I don’t even know when she did it, but Dream Heart came and wrapped me into a warm embrace. It was the first time I actually felt somebody’s warmth in a long time. Big Mac’s body wrapped his hooves gently around her, and held on. My heartbeat began to calm itself back down from its rapid pace. I could feel the muscles on my body relax after an anger fueled tirade. When she shifted underneath my body, I loosened my grip and saw her eyes look up towards me.

“You want me to help Big Macintosh.”

I didn’t have the heart to speak, so I nodded instead.

“I want to help him, Gabriel, but if you want me to help find him, I have to go through you. There are ideas I have, thoughts I want to work with you on, but you need to be willing to accept help. You don’t have to do this alone.”

…Say no, get out, don’t come back. There’s nothing that will help you here. The answers she can give will only hurt, don’t do it.

You don’t deserve it.

“…Alright,” I said quietly. “On one condition.”

“What will that condition be?”

“If ya can help me find Big Mac, and bring him back. Ah want you to destroy me.”

2 - Siblings

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I could feel all of the mares in the room staring at me during dinner. Applejack had daggers for eyes, trying to cut me down with her mere gaze. Granny Smith was casting glances to the both of us, but lingered on me longer than she did Applejack. Apple Bloom didn’t quite know what the problem in the room was, but she could tell it originated from me.

“Are you okay, Macky?” Apple Bloom looked up to me. I didn’t correct her like I did Applejack. There was no reason to get his youngest sibling confused and wondering where her brother went. I had to hope that my act was enough to convince even his own family.

“Eeyup.” I said.

“Are ya really?” Applejack piped up this time. My ear involuntarily flicked when I heard her voice. Out of anybody in this room, why was she the one calling me out? Granny Smith narrowed her eyes.

“Eeyup.”

“Yer sayin that differently than ya normally do, Mac. Are ya sure everythin’s right up there?”

No I wasn’t, it was the patented Big Mac vocabulary of exactly two words. They were pretty hard to screw up. Applejack was trying to get a rise out of me, and I wouldn’t let her do it.

“Eeyup.” It sounded more angry this time, I don’t even know where this giant throat had time to growl in that single word. Calm down, Big Mac, don’t let her get to you.

“Ahlright, that’s enough o’ that!” Granny Smith barked. Applejack’s ears flattened onto her head, and I felt mine press down as well. Big Mac’s body was telling me to tread carefully. “Ah don’t know what’s wrong wit’ either of yous, but clearly ya ain’t willin’ to talk about it and jabbin’ at the dinner table ain’t any better!”

“Sorry, Granny…” Applejack said.

“Ah know ah raised ya better than that. If ya got a problem with each other, hash it out properly! Now Mac, go get the apple fritter fer dessert.” Her eyes locked on to me, and my body acted before I even thought about it. The fritter was on the table before I had a chance to breathe.

The rest of dinner and dessert went by quietly, Applejack still had a fury pointed at me, but it was subdued by Granny’s presence. Apple Bloom, however, eyed me with nervous concern. That look she was giving me hurt more than the anger from Applejack. The last thing I wanted to do was worry her.

The cleanup was just as quiet, but I could tell it was a calm before the storm. Applejack continued to watch me, itching to say something. She just didn’t have the opportunity to say it with the rest of the family here. I may have taken advantage of that by helping a little extra during dishes and mopping. Apple Bloom wasn’t about to refuse the help, and it staved off the angry Apple sister for a little bit longer.

I couldn’t keep her away forever. When Apple Bloom and Granny Smith went off to bed, Applejack held me back. “Outside.” She said, and walked out the front door. Whatever she wanted with me, it had to be done away from the house so she could get loud. My mood was already not that great, but knowing I was about to be screamed at was making it worse. Something in Big Mac told me that avoiding it would only make the fight to come that much louder, so I had best get this over with.

The night at Sweet Apple Acres was peaceful. On the first night I found myself here, I couldn’t get any sleep with all of the emotions and thoughts there were inside of my head. Big Mac’s body had run on autopilot that night and led me to a peaceful spot in the orchard that allowed me to look out across the entire farm. With a sea of beautiful, glittering stars in the sky above. The moon was high in the sky on that day, the shadow of the mare in the moon a prominent silhouette upon the bright moonlight. I learned of the story behind the mare in the moon through Big Mac’s memories. Of a princess so jealous of her sister’s adoration that she tried to turn the world into an eternal night. For her punishment, she was locked away in the moon, banished to watch the world she was once a part of from afar.

I felt like I could relate to that isolation, even if a thousand years on a moon was probably worse.

I had felt a sense of comfort being up on that hill, and also had an unusual feeling of pride when my eyes looked across the farm. I guessed that it was Big Mac’s pride about all of the farmland he worked to sustain, seeing it thriving all around him. If he cared that much and felt so prideful about it, then why did he leave it for me?

There wouldn’t be time to stargaze tonight, or contemplate that thought. Tonight’s menu included Applejack, a barn, and a lot of negative emotions. So let’s get this over with.

“Ah heard somethin’ happened with Dr. Dream, Mac, what in the hay did you do?” Applejack said the moment I walked into the barn. I barely had time to close the door behind me.

“You know ah’m not Big Ma-“

“Ah ain’t callin’ ya Gabree-al, now answer the question.”

I swear I could hear a tea kettle whistling. We barely even started and I already want to blow my top. How much of it was her dismissal of my name, or Big Mac’s inherent frustration, I wasn’t sure. “Ah don’t know what ya mean by that question.”

“Ya gave Dream Heart an ultimatum, didn’t ya? She told me!”

“What happened ta patient confidentiality?”

“She didn’t tell me what the ultimatum was, Mac, but yer gonna tell me. Ya gave her somethin’ so bad that she refused to help you any further! What in the hay did you say?”

I snorted, literally blowing hot air. How it got so hot, I don’t quite know. Probably the anger. “Ah told her ta help me find Big Mac, and if we did, ta get rid o’ me. Ah don’t see what the big deal is!”

Applejack apparently did, her ears flattened and she took one step away from me. “What do ya mean by ‘git rid’, Mac?”

“Whaddaya think ah mean? Destroy me, erase me, overwrite the saved data, whatever ya wanna say. Once Big Mac is back, ah don’t need ta be here.”

“No wonder she refused, you’re talkin’ about killin yerself, Mac!”

“Ah’m not asking to kill myself, and ah’m not Mac! When he’s back, ah’ll just get in the way. Do ya want yer brother back or not?!”

“What ah want is fer my brother to get the help he needs! Not act like he can figure out all his problems all by himself!”

“Ah. Am. Not. Yer. Brother.”

Whatever statement Applejack was about to make was cut off after my words. The pupils in her eyes shrank to the size of peas. With her tongue tied up, my own voice took over, acting before I even had a thought. “Stop treatin’ me like him, stop seein’ him in me. He isn’t here right now, ah am, and the faster you recognize that, the better.”

The shock in her eyes glazed over, and I could feel all the rage and anger inside of me vanish when I saw her newly formed cold gaze. It was different from the fury and daggers she had been giving me this entire time. This look was harsh, uncaring. For the first time, Applejack saw me for the stranger that I am, a stranger she didn’t want to see.

“Yer right,” She said, her tone lifeless and hollow, “Yer not my brother, no brother o’ mine would be so cruel.”

Applejack shoved past me, moving towards the exit. “Applejack, wait, ah-“ My words rang hollow in her ears as she left the barn, leaving one last message for me.

“Goodnight, Gabriel.”

I finally got what I wanted from her, and it hurt. The barn was my moon, and Applejack was the world.

“I know you are there, Big Macintosh.”

Gabriel stood in empty space, endless white in all directions. He was in the body of Big Macintosh, but his voice was his own. Somewhere in the bleached expanse was the pony he was looking for, and he would find him.

Walking was a fruitless effort. It was impossible to see if he was making any progress. One step in any direction looked the same as if he was standing still. “Stop hiding, Mac! You have a family to be there for! A farm to tend to! You can’t throw it all away!” Gabriel cried out to the empty void.

“You can’t keep doing this. I can’t be you, Big Mac! I’ve already destroyed whatever relationship you had with Applejack, do you want me to break apart your entire family?!”

If he was out there, he had no answer to give Gabriel. He had to be out there, because Gabriel couldn’t live to think about the consequences if he wasn’t.

I had nothing to do today, Applejack made sure of it. She convinced Granny Smith that I had been overworking myself for the past week, and that I needed a break. When I tried to confront Applejack about it, she made it clear to me why. “Only family works the farm here.” She said with a venom that Big Mac’s memories have never heard her speak before. Once Granny Smith agreed with Applejack, there was nothing I could do. This body refused to go against Granny Smith, and with the memories he had of the times he had defied her, I can understand why.

Granny suggested that I walk Apple Bloom to school instead. Applejack tried to protest, but she gave in to the head momma’s demand. Nobody goes against Granny. So I found myself walking towards Ponyville’s schoolhouse. A church-style house, which Big Mac had actually helped rebuild after a flooding accident years ago. When Apple Bloom and I approached the heavily decorated schoolhouse, the memories of Mac holding up the supports and fixing the wood panels came crashing into my mind. That sense of pride was filling up my chest, Big Mac was always prideful of the work he put in.

“Hey, Macky?” Apple Bloom hadn’t yet left his side to join the rest of the foals heading inside. Her eyes looked up at mine. “Do ya think you and Applejack will reconcile?”

I didn’t know how to answer that, so I redirected it instead. “When’d ya learn a big word like that?”

“Miss Cherilee taught me!… After ah, uh.. “ Apple Bloom shifted nervously. “After she asked me what’s wrong, and ah mentioned you two fightin’ ta her…”

I could feel my chest tighten. Her words were like a punch in the gut to me. Big Mac’s body felt the pain of causing his sister distress… and I felt awful about making this mess even worse. Double the awful, double the knot that formed in my heart.

“Ah’m sorry, Apple Bloom…” I couldn’t promise that we’d reconcile. That bridge was quite possibly burned last night. The only one who could fix that was Big Macintosh, and he was still missing.

“Does… does that mean you won’t?”

“Ah don’t know, but… ah want ya to understand that what’s goin’ between me and Applejack… that don’t mean that we ain’t gonna work together, or stop lovin’ you.”

Big Mac’s hooves wrapped around Apple Bloom’s small frame, and held her tight against her chest. I was afraid about how tight I was squeezing, but the filly seemed okay. She hugged me back just as tightly. It was honestly frightening how easy it was for me to say those words.

“Are ya gonna try at least?” She asked me.

“Eeyup.”

“Good!” I let go of Apple Bloom, and she began to bounce off to school, but stopped right before leaving me behind. “Ah don’t like it when you are fightin’, you two love each other too much ta do that.”

As soon as Apple Bloom turned back around towards the school, I winced. Kids could cut deep with their words, and I was left feeling worse now than I had ever felt since coming here. What’s worse is how much truth there was in what she said, and I hated that my hooves were guiding me to the hospital. His body knew before I did where I needed to go.

Dream Heart had already refused Gabriel’s ultimatum. What he had asked of her went against every code of ethics she had sworn to keep when she became a doctor. She wanted to help him, to help him explore deeper into his cluttered mind, but she couldn’t do it on his conditions. There was nothing else for her to do with his case.

But her curiosity on it wasn’t sated. A completely different personality, with its own memories and quirks. A personality that is self aware of its unnatural place in its host’s mind. Gabriel saw himself as a problem that needed to be solved, and Dream Heart wanted to know why he came to be in the first place. That isn’t even mentioning the unusual quirks of the memories Gabriel has. A two legged, hairless monkey? The first thing that Dream had searched for was any records of a species called “Human”.

The Golden Oak Library had nopony to currently attend to it, but ponies were still allowed to read and borrow the books inside. It worked on a trust system, and while most ponies were faithful to that rule, it didn’t help keep the organization of the library. Books were stacked haphazardly, foal books were next to anatomy textbooks. It was a mess, and Dream Heart had to work hard to find anything she was searching for. This library really needed an organized pony to keep it together.

After an extensive search, she came up empty. Nothing about humans has ever been written. Her only understanding of this species would have to come from Gabriel himself. Dream Heart took the time that day to study any possibility. From Dissociative Identity Disorder, possession, coping mechanism, hypnosis. Some ideas seem to fit Gabriel’s case, but there were always a few missing pieces to truly confirm it.

That left Dream with one last idea to explore. Borrowing an old tome from the library that she hadn’t read in several years. Today, she sat in her office with the pages of that tome laid out in front of her. The Sleeping World by Selena Luna. It was a book written over a millenia ago, but was the foremost, no, the only reliable reference to the dream world.

It was while she was delicately flipping the pages that she heard the door to her office open. A familiar large and red stallion walking inside with a pained expression.

“Gabriel?” Dream asked, closing the tome gently. “To what do I owe the pleasure?”

Gabriel gave her no answer. He quietly closed the door behind him. His heavy hoofsteps led him to the couch he sat on two days ago, and he sat down in it once again. “Ah don’t need Big Mac help, ah need Applejack help.”

Dream Heart raised a brow. Her flank rose from the desk she sat at, and approached the seat across from Gabriel. “Did something happen between you two?”

“She called me my name fer the first time.”

“You don’t seem happy about that.”

“No, that ain’t it.” Gabriel shook his head. Dream tried her best to read the emotions his face was showing her. There was anger, but it was surrounded by a pained visage of sorrow that caged his frustrations and pointed them at himself… Regret? Guilt?

“Ah don’t want my… my being to hurt the family Mac has here, but ah broke up my relationship with Applejack pretty firmly last night. She sees me as me, but ah think ah destroyed Mac’s tightest bond in doin’ so.”

“Ah tried to think about it and figure out how ta fix it, but Big Mac’s head keeps fillin’ with frustration when ah think of Applejack. So now ah can’t think straight without gettin angry, and ah can’t even work to calm down cuz she took away my work!”

The anger wasn’t quite as caged as Dream Heart had guessed, but this was an opportunity. He was willing to engage with her, he came for her help on his own, and he’s opening up about his problems. This was something she could work with. A notebook and pen came to her via magic, and she adjusted the glassed in front of her eyes. “I see.. Gabriel, can you tell me what happened between you two last night? What caused this to begin with?”

I recounted my side of the events that happened the previous night to Dr. Dream Heart. I’m not disillusioned enough to not realize that this was just my side of the story. I have no idea how Applejack would have pictured it. That’s why I was here talking to her again. I didn’t want to be here, but both Big Mac’s body, and my quietest thoughts knew that he had to.

He had to talk to somebody, or else Apple Bloom will…

“That doesn’t sound like a very pleasant experience.” Dream Heart said after I finished. “I’m glad that you came here today to talk about it. However, I have to remind you Gabriel, that me helping you today does not mean I agree to your terms.”

“Ah know that. Yer not helpin me with Big Mac, yer helpin me with Applejack.” I huffed, and tried to get more comfortable in the couch underneath me. I didn’t remember being this uncomfortable in it.

“As long as we’re in agreement.” Dream smiled, noting my shifting and turning. “The couch is designed to be laid in. It’s very comfortable, I can promise you that.”

Part of me wanted to resist, to not give in to her therapy tricks. The other part of me was really uncomfortable. I shifted my body to rest on my side along the couch length. My head elevated and my hooves dangling off the side. She was right, it was pretty comfortable.

“Before we discuss Applejack in particular, I want to ask you. Have you told anypony else about your true identity? Are Applejack and I the only ones who know?”

“Eeyup. If ah told anymore people than that, they’d start ta see Big Mac as some crazy person.”

“And you are worried about how ponies will perceive Big Macintosh?”

“After he comes back? Eeyup, ah guess ah am.”

Dream Heart’s notepad continued to write, even as her eyes focused on me. Writing without having to look at the paper would have been pretty useful to have. Now I have to write with my teeth. “If you are concerned about how ponies would perceive Big Macintosh if-“

“When.”

“Apologies.” My interruption barely slowed her down. “If you are concerned about how ponies would perceive Big Macintosh when he returns, then why did you tell Applejack?”

That was one of those thoughts that I worked to avoid. It brought back a fresh memory that hurt to remember. “…She’s the one around Big Mac the most, an’ she can spot a lie better than a lie detector. Ah couldn’t have kept it from her, even if ah tried.”

“But did you try?”

No. “It didn’t matter.”

“I think it may matter.” She replied quickly.

“And why do ya think that?”

“Because if you didn’t try, and told her without hesitation, I think that speaks to how much you trust Applejack.”

“Ah don’t trust Applejack, Big Mac did, and sometimes my mind and my body aren’t in agreement.”

“But you do have his memories, yes?” Dream glow tapped her own head with her pen. “Big Macintosh’s experiences with his sister.”

“Eeyup ah do.”

“Would I be wrong in saying that his experiences and knowledge have helped to inform you of things here in Equestria?”

“Nnnope, you wouldn’t.” If it wasn’t for his memories, both in mind and body, I probably wouldn’t have been able to function in this place. The fact I can talk to a colorful horse with giant bug eyes and not be weirded out was because Big Mac was used to being around ponies. I’d probably be wondering what drugs I took to see pastel horses otherwise.

“Is it possible that these memories told you that out of anypony, Applejack is the one you can trust to help you?”

…I really didn’t want to admit that she was making a lot of sense. A sigh escaped me. “Ah didn’t hesitate. As soon as ah saw her that day, ah told her. Maybe you got a point.”

“You trusted her, and knew that she would try and help you… and she did try and help you. It was Applejack who introduced us.”

“Alright don’t start tootin’ yer horn. We haven’t gotten anywhere yet.”

The smile she gave me made my eye twitch. “Of course.” She said, “You chose to confide in Applejack, but what I wish to understand, Gabriel, is why you kept pushing it.”

“Pushing what?” I asked.

“That you aren’t him. It seems you have taken every opportunity to remind her that you aren’t Big Macintosh.”

“That’s cuz ah’m not! She’s the only one who knows that fer sure.”

“Does she?” Dream furrowed her brow and leaned forward towards me. “How did she react when you told her?”

Why would you say that to me, Mac?!

“…Not well.”

She nodded her head. “I’d like for you to imagine for me, Gabriel, a member of your family approaching you. They look normal, they talk just like they always do, by all accounts, they are your family, but they tell you they are not family. They deny any relation to you at all, and want to be referred to in a different way. How would you feel, if you were in their shoes?”

Whether or not I wanted to imagine it, the image became crystal clear inside my head. A figure of a teenage girl had appeared in my mind, saying exactly what I said to Applejack.

I. Am. Not. Your. Sister.

“Can you imagine it, Gabriel?”

“… Eeyup.”

My body felt heavy, any of the lingering anger I felt vanished from me the moment I imagined her… Why did it have to be her?

“Can you tell me why you kept repeating to her that you were not Big Macintosh?”

“… Ah don’t want her to see me as her brother, as siblings. They aren’t my family, and ah’m not theirs. Ah can’t replace Big Macintosh…”

“And they can’t replace your family?”

Dream Heart didn’t need to finish that sentence, but she did, and hearing that made the feeling all the more real. With her on my mind, I couldn’t stop the words from flowing out. “Ah’m gonna tell you somethin, Dr. Dream, and ah need ya to not ask me a single question about it. Can ya do that?”

“Of course.”

“…Ah can’t let Applejack replace my sister. Even if…” The sentence caught in my throat. I could still see her eyes. “Even if… ugh, ain’t no nice way o’ sayin’ it. My sister is dead.”

The doctor did not ask a question, she watched him quietly. “Car accident, drunk driver swerved on her on the sidewalk. She was gone before the car came to a stop… Ah already failed one sister, ah don’t want to fail another. She needs ta see me as a stranger, even if it hurts.”

Dr. Dream tapped her pen to her chin, and very carefully considered her next words. After what I just said, I can’t exactly blame her. I never knew what to do after the accident, I thought of her once, and the rest of my day was lost to it. So I worked until I couldn’t think about her. I doubt Dream Heart needed me to explain that. She did, at least, keep to her word and didn’t ask about my sister.

“That is your reason for doing the things you did. I understand that. Applejack doesn’t, have you… ever talked about yourself to her?”

“She didn’t believe me at all until now.”

“Gabriel, if she didn’t believe you at all, she wouldn’t have come to me.” Dream Heart put down her pen and notes. She brought herself close to me, and while eye to eye with my lowered head she spoke. “What Applejack sees is her brother pushing her away, refusing to let her in, to let her help. Maybe she did believe that you were lying at the start, but she doesn’t now. Not only does she have to process the fact that her brother may actually be gone, but she also has to see his face every day, and be reminded that he isn’t her brother anymore.”

“…Ah really hate it when you make mah screw up so clear like that, doc.” I shifted away from her gaze towards the ceiling. “What am ah supposed to do now then?”

Dream Heart retreated back to her chair. “I think what is best for you, Gabriel, is to allow her in.”

“Ah can’t do that! She can’t see me as family.”

“And she doesn’t have to, but outright refusing her will only strain the difficult relationship you have. If you allow her in, trust in the faith you had in Applejack, then you may find yourself with a friend at the end of this road. Somepony who can help you going forward, instead of fighting.”

I let out a snort. “Is that all ya got for me?”

“At least for today, will you be visiting again soon?”

“Hmph.” I got up from the seat and moved towards the door. “…Ah’ll keep what ya said in mind… thank ya fer seein’ me.”

“You are always welcome, Gabriel.” Dream Heart said with a genuine smile. I didn’t have the heart to look back at her. I walked out the door.

Stargazing at night didn’t feel quite as peaceful as it did the first time. The beautiful night sky couldn’t hold back what I was feeling inside. My sister’s face kept looking back at me in my mind. Every thought interrupted by the image Dream Heart had made me create. I couldn’t even feel the Big Mac pride from looking across the farmland. All I felt was an empty hole inside of me.

My hope of relaxing underneath the stars were dashed, and I made my way back to the Apple Family Household. Everything that I talked about with the doctor was still circulating in my head anytime the thought of her didn’t interrupt it. I frankly had no idea where to go from here. Sure, I understood what Applejack may have felt, but how was I supposed to fix it.

Let her in.

What would that do? Make her see her brother in an even weirder sense. I’m only going to be here until Big Mac comes back. Getting personal with anybody from this place wasn’t necessary. I’d be gone, and that would only make them sad if they actually liked me. I just needed to be tolerated… Unless Big Macintosh is really go-

No, until he’s here, I’ll keep him going. It won’t be long now. It won’t be. Man, I needed some work to do…

It was late enough in the night that I expected everybody to be asleep. To my surprise, someone was still awake. The light in the dining room was still lit as I approached the house. Was Granny Smith sleepwalking again? Apple Bloom sneaking a late night snack? I entered in through the front door to find the culprit, and to my surprise, it was neither.

Applejack sat at the dining room table. Hunched over a giant pile of parchment and paper, an abacus next to the pile. She was grumbling and cursing underneath her breath, rubbing her temples with her hooves.

“Are ya alright?” I asked her, and received an icy glare in response.

“Ah’m fine.” Applejack bit back, “Just keepin’ the books, like usual.”

“You ain’t the one who normally does the books.”

“Well ah don’t see the one who usually does ‘em here, now do ah?” She had her eyes narrowed. “Ah only see you.”

Big Macintosh did the books. “Yer not havin’ any trouble?”

“Nnnope.” Applejack stole my line! “Like ah said, ah’m doin’ fine.”

Anybody who knew Applejack knew that Applejack was the worst liar to ever exist. Some of the most disastrous moments of recent Apple Family history came from times when Applejack tried to lie. I still can remember the time I almost lost my hoof- Big Mac’s hoof. Don’t confuse my head with yours, Mac!

The lie Applejack was telling right now was far easier to spot. Namely because as soon as the words left her mouth, she cursed an obscenity that would cause Granny to wash out her mouth. Then she began to furiously erase the numbers she wrote down.

I looked over her shoulder for just a moment…

“Ya forgot to carry over the one.”

“Ah knew that!”

“Yer also missin’ yesterday’s apple delivery sales.”

“They’re in here!… Somewhere.”

“What about the repair costs to the west fence line?”

“Are ya gonna keep pestering me or do ya just want to take over?!”

“Sure, let me help.”

Two surprising things happened in that one moment. The first was that I approached Applejack and sat next to her without a moment’s hesitation. I blame Big Mac on that one. The second was that Applejack actually let me take over. Her hatred of math and record keeping was well known to Mac, it’s honestly surprising she tried to do this alone.

“Here’s the sales, ah’ll count em, you write it down.”

“Alright.”

What followed was a simple routine between Applejack and I. I would do the math and make the figures, Applejack would write them down and organize it. Big Macintosh was particularly good at this type of math, a skill that overlapped with my own skills. Bookkeeping wasn’t a complicated form of mathematics, you weren’t doing calculus, but keeping track of each transaction, expense, and profit quickly flooded your thoughts with numbers that were easy to mix up. Thankfully, between Mac and I’s shared knowledge from years of managing household funds, we were able to stave off any mistakes and finish writing the records without any problems.

“Yer good at this,” Applejack said without as much venom behind her tongue. Her eyes were barely staying open at this point. Any energy she had to be mad at him was lost in the math.

“Ah had some help.” I said while tapping on Big Mac’s head. A gesture that made Applejack’s lips purse.

“… It’s Gabriel, right?”

“Eeyup.”

“Ah just want to know.” She spoke in a soft tone, one that barely held back a quiver. “My brother is still in there, right? It ain’t just you, is it?”

I wish I could say yes, but I don’t know. She could tell before I even spoke up that the answer wasn’t going to be yes. Her ears were flat against her head when I did speak.

“When ah said ah would bring yer brother back, ah meant it. Ah… Ah don’t know where he is, or what happened to him, but ah do know that everythin’ fer him is right here.”

I tapped his head again, and Applejack furrowed her brow in confusion. So I continued. “His memories, his feelings, his muscle memory. It’s all here, it ain’t gone, and as long as ah’m behind the wheel, ah won’t let anythin’ happen to it.”

“But what if he ain’t? What happens then? Ya got my brother’s body, Gabriel. What’re ya gonna do with it?”

“That is not gonna happen, Jack.” The nickname just came out naturally, I didn’t choose to call her that, but I did say it, and the sound of it caused Applejack’s ears to perk back up. “Ah’m not gonna let that happen, not ever. He will be back, ah promise.”

Applejack snorted. “…Fer a fella that keeps sayin’ you ain’t my brother. You are certainly just as hardheaded as ‘im...”

I felt a weight press against me. Fatigue had finally taken Applejack. Gently snoring against my fur. Her stetson hat fell onto the table in front of us. Carefully, I picked up Applejack and placed her on my back. With her stetson hat in my teeth, I brought her up to her bedroom and tucked her underneath the sheets. With the hat hanging on the corner of her bed frame, just like how she always had it.

Before I went to sleep, my eyes lingered on the mare in the moon that rested high in the night sky. When I looked at her before, I thought I could relate to her isolation. Only now do I understand that my situation doesn’t even begin to compare. Whether I wanted them to be there or not, I had ponies around me ready to help. Maybe the mare in the moon will one day have that too.

My mind flashed more images to me, to my surprise, they weren’t of my sister. I saw Applejack fill the colors of my mind. Somehow, that felt worse than seeing her. I succumbed to slumber soon after.

3 - Work

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The void was just as empty as the last time Gabriel stood in it. His head swiveled in every direction, but found nothing. The only thing inhabiting the empty white sea was himself.

“I fixed things up with your sister, mostly.” Gabriel said out into the expanse. He hoped that Big Macintosh could hear him somewhere in this place, but he couldn’t even hear his own echo. “We aren’t fighting anymore… we don’t really talk too much to each other, but at least when we do it isn’t to pick a fight.”

Gabriel let out a long sigh, unlike his words, the sigh carried out and echoed across the empty void. Almost as if to mock him. “She isn’t happy, Mac. She’s terrified. I can tell because you can tell. Applejack thinks you are really gone, maybe gone for good.”

“All you have to do is say something, anything!” Gabriel cried out, “Hell, just show that you’re here. Give me something to reassure her, to tell her that it will be okay. Don’t be such a goddamn coward and say something!”

“Anything, Mac! Applejack needs it. I need it! Please!”

The void had no answer.

I still had no work to do around the farm, and it was driving me mad. Applejack didn’t protest my attempt at grass cutting today, but Granny Smith was quick to put a stop to it. Granny was still convinced I needed to take a break from hard labor, and apparently believed Applejack needed the break today too. Both Applejack and I were forced to relax on an otherwise perfect day to get a job done.

The only job I was allowed to do was an apple delivery. With a bushel sized wicker basket tied to my back. It was a heavy load, but not nearly enough to break a sweat as Big Mac. A disappointment, but at least it was a job. Before I could leave to deliver it, I was stopped by Applejack. “Ah’m comin’ with.”

My eyebrow raised down at her. “Not the entire time, Gabe, ah’m headin’ ta Rainbow Dash’s. Need ta be in Ponyville to do that. Do ya know who Rainbow is?”

“Eeyup.”

The two of us walked begrudgingly away from Sweet Apple Acres. No matter our issues, we both didn’t like not working. It’s what made punishments like this so effective, and Granny knew it. “Ya gotta stop doin’ that when yer talkin to me.”

“Do what?”

“The eeyups and nnnopes.”

“They’re what come naturally here. Ah can’t really help it. It’d be hard to focus on not doin’ it.”

“It really makes ya sound like ‘im, and don’t say you ain’t him, ah already know that.”

“Sorry.”

“Nothin’ to be sorry fer.” Applejack snorts. “Apple Bloom an’ Granny ain’t gettin involved in this, right?”

“Eeyup.”

“Good,” She said, “Anypony else know except Dr. Dream Heart?”

“Nnnope.”

“Then if ah see ya in Ponyville, ya better not get on me about callin’ you Big Mac.”

“Ah won’t.”

“Good.”

Most of the walk to Ponyville was done in silence. I didn’t know what to say to Applejack, and I don’t think she knew what to say either. So we walked, like two strangers who happened to be walking at the same pace. It was just as we made it into Ponyville that Applejack spoke up again.

“You gonna visit the Doctor today?”

“Nnnope, not today.”

I was expecting her to protest against my refusal. Tell me that I should go back and talk to her more. It was honestly more suspicious that she merely nodded her head.

“Stay outta trouble, y’hear?”

“Eeyup.”

Applejack parted ways with me, notably not going in the direction of Rainbow Dash’s cloud house. I decided to leave my suspicions on the ground Applejack left from. It was weird she wasn’t pestering him, sure, but Applejack’s business was her own. Big Mac had a place in it, I didn’t.

A delivery still had to be done, and while it was painfully easy, it kept me occupied for at least a little bit. I took the longer way around to my destination, to try and stretch the work out as far as I could. Unfortunately, it was nearly a straight shot through Ponyville’s main street to get there. No good detours would let him avoid it.

Sugarcube Corner came into my view. The gigantic gingerbread shaped bakery was far too easy to spot, and far too easy to get to for my tastes. After this was done, I'd be left with nothing to do for the rest of my day… I wasn’t looking forward to it. I prayed that Mr. and Mrs. Cake would be the ones at the front of the bakery today. Big Mac’s conversations with them were always easier than when a certain cotton candy mare was behind the counter.

“Hey, Macky!!”

Prayers aren’t always answered.

“Howdy, Pinkie.” I said to the pink mare at the Sugarcube Corner counter. She was waving wildly for me to approach, and gasped when she saw the bushel of apples I had for her.

“Oh yes! Thank you thank you, Macky! I really really needed these apples. Here, have a cupcake!”

Before I could reply my mouth was stuffed with a cupcake. An Apple, Cinnamon and Vanilla cupcake. With a candy apple topping. I was about to be a complete idiot and politely decline this, but after having it in my mouth, I’m glad Pinkie violated my personal space to give it to me, because it was delicious.

I passed the bushel to Pinkie Pie while chewing on the cupcake. “What do ya need all these fer anyway?”

“All the decorating for the Summer Sun Celebration has been taking up so much of my time, I haven’t been able to bake any of the sweets for the day! Twenty three different recipes gotta be tried today, and they all gotta match up with the apple themed catering. I'm still waiting on Applejack to tell me what you guys are doing for the menu. Did she happen to tell you yet?”

The Summer Sun Celebration? According to Big Mac’s memory, that wasn’t for another two weeks. His family wouldn’t even start with the food prep until a week prior. It’s not like they had to order any apples, and Big Mac had already set up the supply chain of ingredients and supplies they’d need before he disappeared. Sweet Apple Acres would soon be starting work for that event, but they didn’t need to start as early as Pinkie Pie did, it seems.

“Nnnope. We got everythin’ we need, but no menu yet. Normally Granny’s the one who makes the menu ‘forehand.”

“Beforehand?” Pinkie asked curiously.

“Uh, ‘forehoof.”

“Ooooh! Okay! Well I know you and Applejack wouldn’t leave me hanging, I’ll just wait until you’re ready.” Pinkie Pie was about to walk into the back with the apples, but turned her head back to me at the last moment. “Are you busy at all, Macky?”

“Nnnope.”

“Do you wanna help me out by testing some of the recipes? There’s delicious cakes in it for you!”

Pinkie’s smile was inviting, almost too inviting. Big Macintosh could never get a read on what was going on inside that head of cotton candy, and that confusion passed on to me. Despite her constant gags and crazy demeanor, there was a clear intelligence in those eyes. As if they saw right through you. It’s what made me so nervous being around her compared to anybody else.

But she was offering work, and as labor starved as I was, that was like offering drugs to a crashing addict. “Ah’d love to help, whaddaya need?”

Pinkie Pie invited me into the kitchen, and to my great pleasure, we got to work.

Applejack did not, in fact, go to Rainbow Dash’s house. Dream Heart knew this for a fact, why? Because Applejack was in the hospital asking for her. Unfortunately, she caught her in one of the few moments she was called for a consultation. Thunderlane had gotten into a flight accident with the resident mail mare, and the staff wanted to make sure there was no mental damage from his rather severe head injury.

It ended up being nothing, but it was good to stretch her metaphorical muscles and act like a proper doctor now and then. Dream Heart was often seen as merely a therapist by the ponies in Ponyville, but she had learned how to practice medicine in the same schools the rest of the doctors had. Not that the doctors already working weren’t enough for this small town.

“Applejack’s waiting in your office,” Nurse Redheart said to Dream Heart when they both left Thunderlane’s room. “You’ve been pretty popular with the Apple siblings lately, any interesting gossip?”

“Nothing I can tell you, Reddy,” Dream replied.

“Too bad, lunch in the break room today?”

“Sure, did you bring any of those hay fries?”

“Yup, but I’m not sharing~.”

“You’re a tease.”

Redheart gave the narrow eyed Dream a wink before walking off to her next patient. She wasn’t sharing any of her salad either, Redheart would always pick at her tomatoes, but not today! The thoughts of her future meal would have to wait until Dream Heart took care of her own patient.

Applejack was back, and given Dream’s latest sessions with Gabriel, it didn’t come as a surprise. When she first saw Applejack she thought that the issue she would have to help her through was relationship troubles between siblings. Dream Heart’s guess was not wrong, but hardly accounted for the depth these troubles would be. Her small part in it so far lit a flame in her. Searching every patient case she could find, and finishing the textbooks and tomes that were borrowed from the library.

The Sleeping World was a particularly tough one for her to read again. It was by far one of the hardest ancient tomes for a modern day pony to read, but the insight into the pony mind and consciousness it gave was particularly informative. Especially when she compared it to the Big Macintosh case. It wasn’t enough to be certain, but Dream Heart believed she could help Gabriel after finishing that tome. At least she had an idea they could try.

Not that she could do any of it with Gabriel until he removed his ultimatum. Until such a time, relationship troubles were the only work she would do for them.

The door to her office opened with the creak of a hinge the maintenance colt said he’d fix weeks ago. Alerting the earth pony who waited within, sitting on the chaise lounge with a nervous demeanor. Dream had learned that Applejack gave away a lot of her emotions through more physical motions than most ponies. Ear flicks, shifting her hooves, rubbing her neck and upper legs, or fiddling with her hat. Each little movement told of how she felt at any moment. A trait she actually shared with Gabriel. The shared quirks between siblings, or former siblings in this case.

“Good morning, Applejack.” Dream Heart smiled and sat in her customary chair. “It is good to see you again.”

“Mornin’ Dr. Dream.” Applejack realized she was still wearing her hat indoors, and promptly took it off. Though she still held it within her hooves like a security blanket. “Should ah have made an appointment instead of just walkin’ in here?”

“Normally, but I’m not nearly busy enough to worry about it. You can come whenever you need.” The notebook and pen came without more than a thought. “How can I help you today?”

Applejack’s eyes shifted between the various decorations that lined Dream’s walls. Mostly clean, simple items for patients to idly look at while they talk, but she did have her doctorate diploma up next to her desk. Applejack eyed that one for a moment. Dream Heart couldn’t see any of that anger Applejack had pouring out of her from the last time they met.

She had come to ask a few days ago how her first session with Gabriel went. When the ultimatum was mentioned, Applejack had looked like a fiery demon about to unleash torment on poor Gabriel. Today she was void of fury and rage, only the emotions that had been hiding away for the past week were surfacing. Uncertainty, nervousness, confusion, grief.

“Normally… ah wouldn’t think ta come to you to deal with somethin’ like this,” Applejack began, “Me and Mac fought all the time, it wasn’t anythin’ unusual, but ah can’t exactly tell… ‘Gabriel’ ta come and see you without doin’ it myself too.”

“I see you started using the name Gabriel to refer to him.”

“Not like ah have much of a choice. He uses every chance he gets ta remind me.”

“Is that what you are here for today?”

“…” Her lips pursed, and Dream caught the tightening grip she gave the hat in her grasp. Not anger… fear? “Ah don’t know what to do with him, how ta talk to him. Ah need somepony who knows what he is now ta help me… understand it ah guess.”

Relationship troubles, but Dream Heart saw progress in Applejack before they had even started. Just a day before she and Gabriel were at the breaking point, now the farm mare was willing to talk about it without frustration. It was progress, but that wouldn’t make the conversation they were about to have any easier.

“We’ll do just that, then.” Dream settled in for what would probably be a longer conversation. She’ll have to apologize to Redheart later, their lunch date would have to be postponed. “I believe it would help both of us if we started from the beginning. Before Gabriel. You told me before that you and Big Macintosh had gotten into a large fight.”

“Yeah, we’d been havin’ a disagreement about the new planting’s we’d been plannin’ on this year. Mac wanted to plant the same apples we use fer cider again so that we’d have more apples to work with in future cider seasons. Ah wanted to plant a new variety of apple that we don’t have ta offer. We’d been bickerin’ back and forth about it until Granny told us ta plead our case and let her decide. In the end, she chose my idea… Big Mac wasn’t happy.”

“That is what started the argument?”

“Yup… Ah’ll admit, ah gloated about it a lil bit, but ah never expected him to take it so poorly. He was more furious than ah think I’d ever seen him be. Mac kept sayin’ things that didn’t make no sense ta me. How ah’d been cuttin’ him out of the farm, takin his part in it away from him. Ah yelled back how stupid he was fer thinkin that over some new growth…”

Her ears fell back on her head. Fear and nervousness were taking over. “Mac then said ta me that ah had no place leadin’ the farm, and… and in the heat of the moment ah said that he had no place bein’ my brother.”

Dream Heart was about to ask a question about that, but Applejack continued before her mouth finished opening. “Ah know that it was wrong to say! Ah felt awful after sayin’ it, and the way Mac looked at me, he was hurt. Ah tried to apologize again and again, but he locked himself in his room after that… Ah wouldn’t see him come out until the next afternoon.”

“And that is when Gabriel came out instead?”

“…eeyup.”

Applejack was in the house after lunch. Cleaning up the table while Apple Bloom went off to play with her friend Twist and Granny Smith was enjoying a walk around the orchard. Big Macintosh hadn’t come out from his room for breakfast or lunch, and Applejack couldn’t help but feel like it was her fault.

Mac was being an ass last night, but what she had said to him was far worse. Not a single word of that sentence was something she meant. She just wanted to get back at him, to make him feel as bad as he was making her. Why that came out of her mouth rather than anything else? Applejack would never know, but she would regret it.

Applejack caught the sounds of an opening door and heavy hoof falls. She turned off the sink and looked towards the staircase. Where the large red form of Big Macintosh was lumbering down.

“Hey, Mac.” She said quietly. What Big Macintosh’s mood would be today was still a mystery. Applejack didn’t want to make things worse between them if she could help it. She was already the last pony he wanted to see right now, or at least that is what she thought.

Big Macintosh didn’t reply to her. He didn’t look angry or annoyed. Unsure was the best word to describe his expression towards her. “Look, Mac,” Applejack continued, “what ah said last night. It was wrong o’ me to do, really wrong. Ah never should have said that to you. Ah am really, really sorry. Can ya forgive me?”

She waited for his response. Mac opened his mouth multiple times, closing it soon after each time. Until the word that came out of him was as simple and clear as Big Macintosh language could be. “Eeyup..”

That would have been the end of the conversation. Big Macintosh was already turning to leave, but stopped just before exiting the kitchen doorway. Whatever Big Mac had been unsure about, he finally had made his decision, and turned back around. “Applejack, ah need to tell somethin’ to ya, and it’s important.”

“Of course, Mac, what is it?” She said, leaning against the counter, front legs crossed.

“…There ain’t no easy way of sayin’ this. Ah am not Big Mac.”

“…What?”

“Mah name ain’t Big Macintosh. My name is Gabriel…. Ah don’t know how this happened, but ah woke up earlier today as yer brother.”

What was she hearing? Nonsense, certainly. Applejack snorted in amusement, and shook her head. Maybe Mac wasn’t as angry after all if he could make this up. “Alright, that one’s pretty good. Ah didn’t know you were a griffin now, Mac.”

“What?” Big Mac looked at her with genuine confusion. “No, that is my name, and ah wasn’t a griffin. Ah’m- Well Ah’m not supposed to be here. My first thought was that this was some freaky, pastel dream ah was havin, but ah can’t seem to wake up from it. Somethin’ happened, and now ah’m inhabiting Big Mac’s body and mind.”

Applejack was waiting for the punchline. Her barely contained grin was ready to blow and make fun of him for this goofy display. Big Mac noticed. His very serious expression narrowed at her.

“Applejack, ah need you to take this seriously. Somethin’ bad has happened ta Big Mac, and-.”

“Yeah, yeah, and then the ghost possessed you and all. Ah get it.”

“Ah don’t think you do. Ah really mean it, we need to find yer brother, Applejack.”

“What ah think is that mah brother is havin’ a bit too much fun after my apologizing. It’s okay though, ah deserve it a bit.”

“Ah’m not yer brother, Applejack, that’s the point! This ain’t no joke!”

He said it, just in that moment. He said those words. Applejack heard everything Big Mac had said, but had come to her own conclusion. Her eyes narrowed, leaning towards her brother. “That’s what this is, ain’t it? Ya want to get back at me fer what ah said, huh? Well yer right, it ain’t no joke and it sure as hell is pissin me off now, Mac.”

“Please, Applejack, ah need you ta believe me, ah don’t want to be in this situation either.”

“Then don’t be, stop playin’ around, Big Mac. Ah mean it.”

“Ah’m not Big Mac!” The stallion that was once called Big Mac yelled at her. His booming voice shook the room around them, and startled even Applejack. “Ah’m not him, and ah need you ta see that! Please, this ain’t my home, and yer not my sister, ah’m not supposed ta be here and ah need somebody’s help ta fix it!”

Her heart sank inside her chest. The stallion’s plea for help was lost in her ears while a single phrase played on repeat inside of her head. She wasn’t his sister. The stupid thing Applejack had said to him was now being made into reality, by the single most important stallion in her life.

It didn’t matter if this was a mean joke or not. Big Macintosh had crossed a line. “Ah can’t believe yer really doin’ this, Mac.”

“Applejack, please, ah-“

“Why would you say that to me, Mac?!” She cried out, “Ah don’t care how mad ya are at me or how many times you damn well say it, you are my brother! No fight is gonna change that!”

The former Big Macintosh continued to call to her, but she refused to answer. Galloping out of the house and into the farm.

“I can imagine it was hard for you at that moment to even consider that he was telling the truth.” Dream Heart now had another nearly full series of notes after listening to Applejack’s story. She would need a binder to hold all of these soon enough, maybe make her own book and call it the Applejack/Gabriel Therapy Review.

“Anger was about the only thing ah was thinkin’ of, then… and fer the next few days.”

“Did any more arguments happen after your initial fight with him?”

“Uh-huh, mostly from me… Ah’d call him Big Mac, he’d try and correct me, you can guess the rest.”

“You were under the belief that this was all some awful joke he was doing to spite you, then?”

“That was it, basically. If he was gonna be this awful ta me, I’d refuse to accept it.”

“But that isn’t entirely true, is it?”

Applejack had laid back on the couch in the time of their discussion, her head mostly pointed towards the ceiling. Dream Heart’s question finally got her to turn her head back. “Whaddaya mean by that?”

“You came to me, and admitted that you thought there could be a chance when you talked with me.”

Her ear flicked, she was about to protest, Dream thought. “No, ah still didn’t believe ‘em, but ah was gettin sick of our back and forth. Ah figured that if you were able to tell that he’s lyin, ah could get this whole mess ta end, or maybe force him to settle our problems… It was only after ah heard the ultimatum that a part o’ me started to believe it.”

“I don’t think that’s entirely true either, Applejack.”

She was flicking her ear again, but held her tongue. Dream Heart continued uninterrupted. “I said something to you when you first came to visit me about Gabriel. On that day I mentioned that this new individual inside Mac may be more receptive to being convinced. You had a particular reaction to that, Applejack.

Applejack remembered the interaction too. Dream Heart saw no defiant ear flicks this time. “… Maybe ah had some doubts, but ah didn’t give ‘em the time o’ day to think about.”

“And why’s that?”

“While Big Mac-… Gabriel and ah were fightin, we still had ta plant all the new seeds. He wasn’t helpin’ out on this part of the farm, instead he was doin’ quite literally every backed up job we had to do around Sweet Apple Acres. That left me ta do all the seedin. Ah worked until ah was tired enough ta not think about it.”

Dream made a note of that particular line. “But you had to stop working eventually, does it take four days to plant the seeds?”

“No, ah finished in two… but ah also occupied myself with a few other tasks ta keep me busy.”

“You two aren’t that different, after all.” Dream Heart said with a smile,

“What?”

“Applejack, you worked until you couldn’t think straight anymore. I have to say that you two do a remarkable job of avoiding your troubles by being productive.”

Applejack was about to protest again, instead of fighting back from the clear truth, she scrunched up her face and nodded. Ever the honest mare. “…Yeah, yer not wrong. It’s just what workin’ ponies do, we work.”

Dream Heart was about to continue with another question, but she caught a movement that made her hold her tongue. Applejack was taking a slow, deep breath. Was that just acceptance of what was just said, or was she about to say something?

“Dr. Dream… ah need you to be straight with me… Is it mah fault Big Mac became Gabriel?”

She guessed correctly, it was something she was about to say, but it was a question so far out of left field that Dream Heart was at a loss on what to say. A question, a question to give her time. “What do you mean, Applejack?”

“What ah said ta him, about him not deservin’ to be my brother! What if that caused somethin’ to happen, made him do something that made Gabriel appear?!” Her voice was raised, the time between breaths in her chest was shorter. The fear that Dream had noticed in Applejack since the beginning of their session, this was the source of it. “If ah hadn’t of said that. If ah had kept my dumb mouth shut, would ah still have my brother right now?!”

“Applejack.” Dream spoke in a stern, but soft tone, commanding the panicking mare’s attention. “I want you to count with me. Repeat after me.”

“One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.”
“One, t-two, three, four, f-five… six, seven, eight, nine, ten.”

Applejack was able to take in a clear, deep breath after she finished counting. It wasn’t enough to get rid of her fears, but it calmed her down enough for her to listen.

“It is easy for us to find dots to connect when something goes wrong. Find things or ponies to blame, even ourselves. Correlation doesn't equal Causation, Applejack. No matter how it looks or feels, this is not your fault.”

“But how can ya be sure of that?”

“If I had reason to believe that your actions that night caused what happened to Gabriel, I would tell you, Applejack. Even after hearing your side, I do not think that it was your fault.”

“Ah…” Her breath hitched, and tears streamed down her orange fur. “Ah don’t know what ta do… He-He’s gone, but ah see him every day. Walkin, and talkin, and actin just like ‘im… But it’s somepony else.”

“He’s still mah brother, even if he’s Gabriel… ah can’t just stop treatin’ ‘im like… like…” Applejack sat up from the chair, and the tears were free to flow down her cheeks. She sobbed openly and loudly. A much needed release of the pent up emotions she had been holding onto.

A crying patient was a delicate balance for Dream Heart to manage. Sometimes, a pony needed to cry, and denying them that would hurt more than the pain they felt in the moment. How a pony cries, however, was different. Ponies were once herd animals, and sought safety with others. When a pony is at the breaking point, and needs to let it out, they can often feel safest to do so when given a shoulder to cry on.

The key was knowing when to offer it. Dream Heart moved to sit next to Applejack, and within moments they were locked in a tight embrace. Applejack’s tears were soaked by the fur on Dream’s chest, and Dream’s hooves gently brushed through Applejack’s blonde mane. She gently spoke to her as she cried. Telling her that it was okay, to let it go, she would be alright here, and everything would become better.

When Applejack’s tears dried up and the only sounds she made were hiccups, Dream still held on. She waited until Applejack moved to release her. Allowing her to keep the embrace for as long as she needed it.

“…Thank you, Doctor.”

Dream smiled, and finally their embrace was released. She lingered for a moment, just in case, but when it was clear that Applejack had got it all out of her system, she returned to her own seat.

“…How do ah do it? How do ah see him as just Gabriel?”

“For that, I think you need to get to know Gabriel.” Dream replied, “Learn who he is, and by doing so, it will be easier to separate what you see from what you know.”

“…Ah get what ya mean… Do ya think that there is a chance Big Mac is still in there? That he’ll come back?”

“Anything can happen, and Gabriel certainly believes it. I would not give up all hope, Applejack. Do you believe in Big Macintosh?”

Another long, deep breath from the farm mare, before a newfound resolve came to Applejack’s eyes. “Ah sure do.”

Twenty three different apple themed cupcake recipes were baked, and twenty three different cupcakes were taste tested. Not only by Pinkie Pie and myself, but also the owners of Sugarcube Corner, Mr. And Mrs. Cake, when they returned from a morning date. Eventually, one particular cupcake was picked as the winner for the Summer Sun Celebration. The Apple Cinnamon Vanilla cupcake that Pinkie had first stuffed in my mouth.

My time in the Sugarcube Corner didn’t end there, however. Between different cupcake prep and taste testing, I asked if I could help out anywhere else. Broken door hinges were repaired, air ducts cleaned, the sink’s plumbing fixed, and two different lights replaced. The Cakes had tried to offer me bits for all that I did, but I told them there was no need. I had nothing else to do that day anyways, and the fact I could work at all was payment enough. By the time everything was completed, it was already close to dinner time.

“Thank you for all your help today!” Pinkie Pie said at the doorway to Sugarcube Corner. “I’d almost say it was too much help.”

“Ain’t no such thing,” I said with a smile, “thank ya fer havin’ me.”

Before I could walk away, Pinkie Pie caught my attention again by appearing right in front of me. “Are you unhappy, Macky?”

“…why’re you askin, Pinkie?”

“Your face, you look sad,” Pinkie said, “You looked sad earlier, so I thought it’d make you happy to taste some cupcakes! Then you did all that work too, and you didn’t look sad… but you didn’t look happy either, and now that you’re leaving, you look sad again.”

Pinkie Pie puffed up her cheeks. “I don’t like seeing my friends sad.”

After an entire day of being around her manic and goofy energy, I almost forgot that Pinkie Pie was probably the most perceptive pony in Ponyville. She didn’t have the eye for detail that the owner of Carousel Boutique did, or the tact Applejack had, but she could always tell when someone needed a smile on their face.

“It’s nothin’ to worry about, Pinkie. Just… had a lot on my mind, lately. Today felt good, ya did make me smile.”

“That was a courtesy smile, not a real smile! You haven’t done a real smile in weeks.”

Weeks? Even looking back at Big Mac’s memories, I had no idea what Pinkie was talking about. Big Macintosh looked happy at other moments, when he wasn’t fighting with Applejack. Unless… Pinkie Pie could tell there was something off about him before I came here.

“Ah’m sorry, Pinkie.”

“Is there anything I can do to help? I could get the party cannon!”

“Ah think you should save that fer another time. It ain’t really somethin you can solve, ah just need time with it.”

This answer didn’t seem to satisfy Pinkie, but she did accept it. “Well don’t do what you did today then.”

“Whaddaya mean?”

“The working! You’re overworking yourself, when you have sad thoughts holding you down, you gotta let them go through you! No holding them back or putting them off!”

Damn, she’s good.

“Alright, Pinkie. Ah won’t.”

Pinkie Pie smiled, and hugged me tight. “See ya later Macky! I hope you can smile soon! If you don’t, I’m coming for you!”

I knew she meant it in a good way, but I couldn’t help but feel threatened. Either way, she wasn’t going to press it now, so I took my chance and got out of there.

Applejack had gotten home before I did. We didn’t talk, which was pretty normal, but sat next to each other at the dinner table. This wasn’t a choice by either of us, since Granny Smith had all three of us sit on one side of the table while she sat at the other end.

“Is somethin’ wrong, Granny?” Apple Bloom asked from next to me. We all knew that we sat like this when Granny had something important to say.

“Family, ah assume ya all remember that we got the caterin’ to do fer the Summer Sun Celebration soon.”

We all nodded.

“And cuz of that, we were gonna be missin’ the annual Apple Family Reunion.”

We all also noted the use of the word ‘were’ in that sentence.

“Has somethin’ changed, Granny?” Applejack asked.

“Why yes, Applejack. The other members of the family heard about what’s happenin, and they decided ta do the Family Reunion here in Ponyville instead!”

The three Apple siblings collectively said, “What?!”

“Now now don’t start freakin’ out on me. Most o’ the family wanted ta come to the Summer Sun Celebration too, so we’re plannin’ to do the Reunion on the day before, and then everypony will be helpin out with the caterin’ fer the Celebration. We got a lot o’ extra hooves now to help us out with this event!”

“Does that mean ah gotta share my room again with mah cousins?” Apple Bloom asked.

“All the fillies, foals and their mommas are gonna get the rooms while they’re here. Rest o’ us will use the tents the family’s bringin, but there’s still a lot of work ta do, an’ ah need to know if we’re gonna be havin’ anymore trouble before the family gets here.”

Granny’s gaze shifted between me and Applejack. “Are you two still goin’ at it over the seeds? Cuz if ya are we’re gonna get this sorted out right this instant!”

“…We aren’t, Granny. Mac and ah are okay.” Applejack glanced in my direction, her gaze caught my own glance at her.

“Eeyup.”

“And ah ain’t gonna here about this again? You both are important pieces ta make sure these two events go swimmingly. It’s why ah wanted ya both to take a break today and get yer heads cooled off, ah need ta know that you can work together!”

Applejack hesitated to answer, and I couldn’t exactly blame her. Everything that’s led up to this has put her and Big Mac at odds, which didn’t change when I came into the picture. We had one day where things weren’t bad, but would they continue like that?

“We’ll be okay.” I said to Granny, who looked surprised at my sudden resolve. She tried to see right through me, her aged wisdom discerning whether I was just saying what she wanted to hear. She found nothing, since I meant every word that I said. Applejack looked just as surprised to hear me say that, but her own resolve joined with mine, and she nodded her head.

“…Promise me, both of yous.”

“Ah Promise.”
“Ah Promise.”

“Nuh uh.” Granny shook her head. “Ah wanna hear that promise yer Pinkie friend does. That way ah know ya meant it.”

No matter how much resolve you have, there was no way to not hesitate when somebody asks you to do a Pinkie Promise. We cast glances at each other again, as if waiting for the other person to speak up. At least I thought we were, but Applejack was the first to speak up this time.

“Cross mah heart, hope ta fly, stick a cupcake in mah eye.”

Applejack had come to a decision… and a part of me deep down appreciated her for it. It meant more than just appeasing Granny, it was Applejack confirming to me that she wasn’t going to fight with me anymore. No more calling me the wrong name in private, no more doubting my existence.

I felt a tug at my heart, and knew what I had to say. “Cross mah heart, hope ta fly, stick a cupcake in mah eye.”

When we both finished the motions of the promise. The joyful giggles of Pinkie Pie echoed in the distance. Their pacts had been sealed. With the contracts signed, Granny Smith nodded in satisfaction, and dinner was served.

It was after everything was cleaned up from dessert and dinner that Applejack approached me one last time for the night. “Gabe, are ya gonna be ready fer this?”

“Whaddaya mean?”

“The Family’s comin. Dozens of ponies, from all across Equestria, and all of em have met Big Mac before. Are ya sure you wanna keep up the act?”

I nodded my head. “Ah’m not about to ruin Mac’s life by freakin’ out his family, if ah can avoid it.”

“Alright… Any progress today?”

I worked to avoid all of it. “Nnnope.”

Applejack sighed, “Figures… don’t you give up, got it?”

“Ah wouldn’t dream if it.”

For once, we were in agreement, but with the looming Family Reunion and the Summer Sun Celebration, I knew I was running out of time. If Apple Bloom and Pinkie Pie could tell how much was wrong with Big Mac right now, then no doubt that the extended family could spot me as an imposter in his body soon enough too.

I had to find him, and soon… Even if it meant forgoing rules I put in place, I knew where I had to go tomorrow. Dr. Dream Heart was who Applejack led me to, and I would trust her choice and see if the psychiatrist can doing anything to find Big Mac.

Tomorrow, I would start my sessions with Dream Heart.

4 - What Am Ah?

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Emptiness, it was the key to a power that very few ponies possessed the ability to create. A complete and utter void of thoughts, emotions, or sense. Even unicorns gifted in magic would spend decades of their life training to keep their mind’s empty for mere minutes. Keeping one’s mind a void for an entire night was seen as impossible for the regular pony.

Dream Heart was one of the few ponies who were especially gifted in this one regard. As a filly she was fascinated with the pony mind, and sought to learn everything she could about it. One day, she thought to herself ‘Why can’t I go in a pony’s mind?’. Her search for an answer eventually brought her to a tome, The Sleeping World.

It was through that ancient tome that she first entered into the Dream World, and earned her cutie mark. Dreamwalking, one of the hardest spells for a Unicorn to achieve. It allows the user to release their consciousness from their physical form and enter into the dreams of those around them. The key to dreamwalking was being able to create an empty shell for your consciousness to leave from. An impenetrable wall of nothing. Any errant thought or feeling could destroy the dreamwalk in an instant.

The best unicorns could succeed in dreamwalking for up to twenty minutes. Dream Heart’s personal best was three hours. At least it was when she last tried to dreamwalk. Which hasn’t been for a while. Something she planned to change tonight. If this was ever going to be an option for helping Gabriel, she needed to get used to dreamwalking again.

“So I just go to sleep, right?” Redheart asked while she laid in Dream’s bed. “And you poke in there?”

“I will just be a visitor, no poking will happen. I’ll be able to perceive your dream, but the only influence I will have over it is speech.”

“So… we can chat in my dream? That’s it?

“Basically.”

“That’s pretty boring.”

“Well I’m sorry I’m not a master of the Dream World like Selena Luna.” Dream said with a huff, Redheart leaned toward the mare and nuzzled against her cheek.

“I’m only teasing, Dreamy. Now, are you gonna start doing it?”

“You need to be asleep, Red.”

“Alright, just don’t stare at me too much while I go to bed.”

Another huff came from Dream. Redheart giggled and turned over in the bed. It would take some time for the mare to find herself sleeping, but Dream could tell when she did. It wasn’t some magical sense that told her. Redheart was a very loud snorer. It was the reason Dream kept earplugs in the nightstand now.

With Redheart asleep, now was her moment to work. She sat next to the unconscious mare and focused inward. All of the thoughts and feelings that swirled inside of her mind were encased in a sphere of her own imagining. Her breath slowed, and the thoughts slowly faded from inside their spherical cage. Emotions were always harder to empty. Many thought that making yourself calm was the way to empty yourself of emotion, but calm is just another emotion.

Everypony who has ever attempted to truly feel nothing has their own method of achieving it. For Dream Heart, it was to create a disconnect. An old muscle that she hadn’t flexed in many years began to twitch, and like a switch inside her brain, the connection her body had to her mind was severed. This lasted for only a moment, but it was enough. It took time for the body’s functions to reconnect to her mind after she did this. With enough concentration, she could prevent it from reconnecting for even longer.

The result? A pure, empty mind. At the cost of her motor functions and most of her senses. As soon as Dream Heart truly felt emptiness, her horn was lit with magic. Then she fell asleep on the spot.

Her eyes opened to an endless array of stars in all directions. Glittering lights that encompassed all of imagined reality. Each star represented the mind of a dreamer. A near infinite amount of dreamers encasing the pitch black reality with brilliant light. Dream Heart had entered the Dream World.

Only one star was close enough for her to make out its shape underneath the light. While all the others were an impossible distance away. Dream remembered how it first felt when she entered here. How amazing it was to be in a place shared by an infinite group of minds, and how lonely it felt not being able to reach them. One star in particular always caught her attention when she entered. The star emblazoned with the silhouette of the mare in the moon, impossibly large compared to the rest, but somehow farther away than the rest. She noted that it looked larger than the last time she had seen that particular star.

To reach those dreamers required an incredible amount of control over the Dream World. To force your will to bend the very rules of the shared consciousness, and bring the dream you wish to enter to you. The dreamwalking spell was not nearly enough for a unicorn to exert their will like that. It could, however, let them walk to dreams closeby.

“Closeby” is a very different term in the Dream World. A distance of a dozen feet could equal miles in the collective unconscious. Oftentimes, unicorns would connect horns when dreamwalking to ensure the least distance required for the walk. Dream found that star nearest to her, and guessed that she would have a twenty minute journey to it.

Walking was also a different experience. Sure, you moved forward with your hooves in a steady rhythm towards your destination. However, your hooves never connect to the ground beneath you. There is no ground, Dream Heart’s spell wills the space underneath her hooves to be solid. Her steps never leave the ground she walks on, the ground follows her steps, and so it did for twenty minutes straight. Until Dream Heart stood in front of the bright star that contained a dreamer. Despite how bright it shines from afar, the star itself is no larger than a pony’s head. All a pony had to do to enter was reach out…

Dream Heart found herself in a mythological spa from ancient Preece. Ornate marble architecture framing a large steaming pool. A single pony rested within the crystal clear water. Redheart, sans her regular nurse cap, lazily relaxed in the warmth of the bath while several mares dressed in traditional Preek chiton surrounded her. Dream Heart couldn’t help but recognize the ponies who were currently servicing Redheart. The farm pony Applejack and weather pony Rainbow Dash were on either side of her, their strong physiques being used to massage her tender muscles. While the local tailor Rarity was feeding her grapes directly into Redheart’s mouth… with her own mouth.

Normally, a dreamwalker should be careful when speaking to a dreamer. The moment a dreamwalker makes their presence known, the dreamer becomes lucid. Lucid dreamers are able to control their dreams to an extent, and can be especially harmful to a dreamwalker if they don’t take kindly to their presence. At the moment, however, this was Redheart and Dream was getting particularly annoyed watching a fake Rarity put her lips so close to her.

“So this is what you fantasize about?” Dream asked with a clear hint of patronization. Redheart’s eyes focused on the world around her, and became aware of Dream Heart standing at the other edge of the pool.

“Oooh, that’s weird,” Redheart said, “You really are in my dream, Dreamy!”

“Yeah, and what are they doing here?”

“Can’t a girl wish for things she can’t have?”

“Not when she has something better.”

Redheart grinned mischievously. Applejack, Rainbow Dash and Rarity vanished into nothingness. Dream Heart looked down at herself and found that she was now wearing a chiton.

“Why don’t you come and serve me then~” She cooed.

Emptiness, nothingness, the key to dreamwalking. Dream Heart had to be careful to not let anything break in during her time in the Dream World. Lest she be ripped out from it by force. Unfortunately for her, the images and intrusive thoughts of what Redheart had just suggested came like an unstoppable, raging flood. Dream barely got one hoof into the water before reality shattered from her inappropriate thoughts.

In seconds she was back in the chair next to her bed. A few moments after that, she was spilling her guts onto the ground.

“Dream! Are you okay!?” Redheart awoke and watched in shock. When the contents of her stomach were laid out on the ground, Dream Heart looked up at her and wiped her chin.

“…No more practicing with you, Red. You’re too dirty.”

“Dr. Dream ain’t here today?” I asked Nurse Redheart at the hospital front desk. The mare shook her head in response.

“Not today, sick day. She’s suffering from some nausea. Dr. Dream will be back probably tomorrow or the day after.”

My entire day had been upended before I even started it. I finally decided I would start seeing Dr. Dream Heart, but now I can’t even see her! The reunion was set for twelve days from now. If I wanted any chance of getting Big Mac back by the time every member of the Apple Family arrived, I had to make every single day count.

“If I may, Big Mac,” Redheart said as I was about to leave. I turned my head to see her patented warm smile. “Dream Heart is putting a lot of effort into your case. She’ll be happy to know you stopped by.”

How Redheart knew that, I didn’t know. She clearly wasn’t aware of my real name, so patient confidentiality was still a thing for the most part. I nodded my head to the nurse. “Eeyup… Thank ya.”

I still felt her practiced smile on my back as I walked away.

“She wasn’t there?” Applejack asked me when I returned to Sweet Apple Acres.

“Nnnope.”

“Well, hooey. Ya finally decided to buck up and work with ‘er and now ya can’t even do that.”

I narrowed my gaze. Applejack was quick to react. “Ah didn’t mean it like that! Ah’m sorry! No arguin’!”

Sure, there were some choice words I could have said, but both Applejack and I were under a Pinkie Promise. Neither of us wanted to risk the consequences of breaking it. Even thinking about breaking it brought a chill down my spine and her laughter in my ears. Since we didn’t know quite how far the definition of ‘arguing’ stretched for a Pinkie Promise, we had a silent agreement to avoid any kind of back and forth whatsoever.

Today was the day I finally got to work on the farm. With the family coming soon, the field around the Sweet Apple Acres household had to be cleared out to make room for the space they needed. There were far too many people in the family to all fit inside the house, so the area around the house and barn would become a giant campsite for everyone to use.

That meant that everything, from farm equipment, to the grass, and even the chicken coops had to be cleaned up. That also meant that I finally got to finish the job that I wanted to do days ago. Grass cutting!

It felt euphoric to have the blade hitched to the harness around my neck. Okay, that was a bit of an exaggeration. It wasn’t some life changing experience, but it did feel like an old friend wrapped me in its warm embrace. Unfortunately, I wasn’t alone this time. Applejack had herself hitched to a mechanical tedder, and was following through the fields to ted the cut grass so it would dry better into hay.

Even worse, she was surprisingly talkative today. They weren’t instigating words or angry barks at him, so that was a positive. Instead, it was lots and lots of talking, and I wasn’t much of a chatty person when I was working.

“Still nice ta hear that Dream Heart is workin hard to help ya out after all that. Ah wonder what she’s been doin’ then.”

“Ah dunno. Case studies, probably?” I said with a shrug.

“Cuz there’s a lot o’ cases of ponies becomin’ somepony else and callin’ themselves Gabriel?”

“Maybe.”

“Ah’d be surprised if there were two.” Applejack snorted. “Call me Applesauce if she finds another one like ya.”

That got a snort out of me, a fact I would refuse to admit as she repeatedly pointed it out for the next minute.

“Ah ain’t happy about missin’ a chance ta talk with her. There ain’t nopony else in town who could help…” I sighed, turning around to do the next line of grass. Now face to face with Applejack as we passed by each other.

“We could write a letter to the Princess. Ah’m sure if there’s anypony who could tell us about whatever this freaky business is, it’d be her.”

“Yer probably right, but ah don’t exactly have an easy way to contact Princess Celestia. How long d’ya think it would take fer a letter to get to her?”

“…Probably a few weeks.” Applejack guessed with a sigh of her own. “She’s gonna be in town here soon, could try an’ ask her then.”

“Eeyup, don’t help with the reunion though.”

Applejack was now turning around behind me, and I could hear her tongue reach the top of her mouth to make a small tsk at my words. “Ah don’t want to disagree with ya, lest Pinkie’s wrath comes down upon us, but are you really sure it’s possible ta fix this by the reunion?”

My head swiveled back to her, she continued. “You ain’t got no idea how ta start searchin’ for ‘em. Ah’m not any help with mind stuff. It’s possible this whole mess is gonna last well past the reunion, maybe even longer than that.”

I knew where she was going, I didn’t like it. Applejack asked this question before, and I didn’t want to answer it then either. “Do you get what ah’m saying, Gabe?”

“Ah know what yer askin’, Applejack, and frankly, ah don’t want to answer it. Sure, ah don’t know jack shit about all this mind and soul stuff, but thinkin’ about how ah’m gonna live here and not Mac feels like givin’ up. Ah’m not givin’ up until he’s here.”

“Just thinkin’ about it ain’t-“ Applejack caught herself, and took a slow breath to stop herself from arguing. “Alright, fine. So how do ya wanna work on that today then?”

“…”

“Nothin, then.”

“Well ah’m all for ideas.”

“Hmmm.” Applejack hummed. “Why don’t ya tell me about yerself?”

“…Why?”

“Cuz maybe talkin about it will jog somethin’ in that head of yours? Ah dunno, ah’d just like to know about the pony inside my brother’s body.”

My ears fell back on my head… Big Mac’s ears were not very easy to control. Was there a trick to it that even he couldn’t figure out?

“Ah don’t know about that.”

“Why not?” Applejack asked, confused.

“Are ya sure you wanna know about the guy sittin’ inside yer brother’s body? Ah don’t want ya to see Big Mac differently cuz o’ me.”

“If anythin’ that makes me want to know more. Don’t ya think ah have a right to that much?”

She was right, I couldn’t deny that. There really wasn’t a sound reason for me not to tell her anything. I just didn’t want to tell her, but given that I was somebody else currently holding her brother’s body captive, I really didn’t have a leg to stand on. “Alright, shoot.”

“Ya got any family, Gabe?”

There was a noticeable hitch in my gait, the slight movement made the grass underneath my blade cut at a different angle. That line would be visible for weeks now, and the little bump I just made in that line would terrorize me forever.

“Mind if we start somewhere else? Ah’d rather not talk about that.”

“Oh… well alright then,” Applejack said, put off by my immediate refusal to answer her first question. “How ‘bout yer name then. What’s it supposed ta mean?”

“It’s a religious name. Mah parents were mighty religious like that. Ah think the name directly means somethin’ like ‘god is my strength’. Don’t ask me though, ah never really paid attention at church.”

“Huh, don’t think ah’ve ever heard of any religion usin names like that.”

“Ya wouldn’t, it ain’t any religion people from Equestria would hear about.”

Applejack hummed from behind me. I didn’t have to look back at her to know she just passed by my screwed up line. Big Mac’s disobedient ear flicked. “Ah actually was just about ta ask. Ya say things like everybody, people, somebody. It almost sounds like you aren’t a pony at all.”

“Ah’m not a pony, or at least, ah wasn’t one until now.”

Applejack stopped, and soon after I did as well. When I looked back to see what the holdup was, I saw her giant wide eyes and tiny pupils staring back at me in shock.

“You ain’t a pony?”

“…No?”

“So you ARE a griffin?”

“No, ah already told you that.”

“So what are you?”

“Didn’t ah tell you?…” I thought back through my memories, even checking Big Mac’s. The only thing I could remember… was telling Dream Heart. Woops. “Ah guess ah didn’t, ah’m a- well ah was a human.”

“A… hyoo-mane?”

“Human, hew-man.”

“What in the hay is a hewman?”

I already had experience trying to explain what a human was, so I repeated what I had said before. About humans being tall hairless monkeys. Applejack’s nose scrunched up.

“Whatever yer thinkin, we ain’t that ugly.”

“How do ya even stay warm without any hair on yer body?”

“We get a bit o’ hair, just no pelt like a pony. We use clothes ta cover up and keep warm.”

“So ya just wear clothes… all the time? Like Rarity does? Ah don’t think ah could bear dealin with clothes that often.”

“It ain’t like fashion all the time, we dress comfortable or for utility most o’ the time. Or just what we feel like wearin’, like how ya wear dad’s old hat.”

I blinked… Dad’s old hat? Big Mac was playing tricks on me again.

“Ah’m guessin ya didn’t mean to say it like that, did ya?” She asked, seeing right through me. Her hoof had unconsciously held the top of her stetson. As if holding on to dad through it… her dad.

“…Nnnope.”

“Is it confusin? Ah mean, ya said you had all o’ Mac’s memories. Do ya just… act and talk like him on accident sometimes?”

This was a topic that I hoped grass cutting would put off from my mind until I could meet with Dream Heart. It was an unconscious thing that I could only notice after it affected something I did or said. I wanted to talk to the doctor about it first… but there really was no way of avoiding it if Applejack was asking me directly.

“…It ain’t like it’s replacin’ my mind or anythin’ like that. Ah’m not turnin’ into Big Mac or somethin’. But it’s like… I wracked my brain for an easy way to describe the way I felt. “Ah chewed tobacco when ah was still… me. Do ya know what tobacco is?”

“Can’t say ah do.”

“That’s probably fer the best. Nasty stuff, but ah had a habit of chewin’ it. When ah get the urge to chew it now, ah don’t even think twice about puttin’ a piece of straw in mah mouth.”

“…Like Big Mac?”

“Eeyup. Just like that too, actually. Ah don’t even know how to say yes or no clearly anymore without thinkin’ real hard about it.”

“Soo, Big Mac’s tendencies are becoming your tendencies?”

“In a way. It’s not like it’s rewriting mah brain… if ah had to guess, ah think it’s like when you move to a new place and get used to the climate.”

“Oooh, ah know what ya mean now. When ah went to stay in Manehattan, ah just couldn’t fer the life of me get used to the cold! But by the time ah was headin back home ah felt like ah needed to shave my fur down to stay cool.”

“Eeyup.” Big Mac’s body shivered when Applejack mentioned leaving for Manehattan. Like a dreadful chill had crept up from those simple words. Mac’s body was telling me how much he did not like Applejack leaving home.

“And Big Mac would shiver every time ah mentioned it, just like you did, sugarcube.”

“Not everythin’ ah do is me doin’. This body has a mind of it’s own.”

“Ay-kay-ay, Big Mac?”

“Eeyup.”

The rest of the haymaking process was done while I continued to answer any questions she had for me. Trying to explain a car to a magical pony was a process, as well as how we used fingers instead of sticking things to the palms of our hands. The fact humans had no magic at all was astounding to Applejack, she thought I was lying. She was respectful of the one topic I didn’t want to talk about, and never brought up my family again.

The hay that was ready to bale was raked after we finished cutting and tedding the rest of it. When we were finished, half of the field was ready for when the family would arrive. The other half needed to be raked and baled, but the two of us could bale the first half at least.

Applejack, after we finished gathering the ready to go hay, looked at me and sighed. “Ah’ll be honest, Gabe. Ah was hopin’ that you would be… more different.”

I was preparing the first bale when she said that. A sentence I certainly didn’t expect to hear from her. “Ah’m sorry?” I asked her.

“Look, ah didn’t actually go to Rainbow’s yesterday,” Applejack began, “Ah mean, ah was going to, but then ya said you weren’t visiting Dream Heart. So ah got the idea to…”

“Ya visited Dream Heart.”

She nodded. “This… ain’t exactly easy on me, Gabe. So ah went to her ta see if she could make it any easier. She gave me the suggestion of gettin’ to know ya more. Learn about you so ah don’t see you so much as Big Mac.”

Applejack approached me, and looked me directly in the eyes. It made me uncomfortable how deeply she was staring into them. Searching for something behind my irises that even I didn’t know about. “What’s yer favorite color?”

“Red.”

“Favorite type o’ apple to eat raw?”

“Gala.”

“How do you feel about ponies’ rushing to their destination?”

“…Ah guess ah’d feel like they’re rushin’ too fast unless it’s urgent. It ain’t like it goin’ nowhere, take yer time.”

“What’s the best way to relax at the end o’ night?”

“Well…. Probably doin’ somethin’ repetitive to wind down with, or maybe some cards or stargazin’.”

“See! That’s what ah mean! That’s Big Macintosh!” She exclaimed while two inches away from my face. Pony ears were particularly sensitive to noise, and her sudden outburst caused me to wince. Thankfully, Applejack backed away before she continued.

“You two got the same tendencies, the same things ya like and dislike, hay, ya practically behave just like him! Minus the more talkin’ about yer feelings, Mac don’t do that as much. Ah’m tryin’ to see you as Gabe, and not Mac, but ya might as well be the alien monkey version of my brother!”

I stared back at Applejack with the look of a man who was just told they were somebody else. Which is a feeling I was quite used to at this point, but this particular instance was different. I was being told I was Big Macintosh from a pony who knew for a fact I wasn’t. It had far more meaning behind it than any of the other ponies who just didn’t know better.

She has been hitting on spots that I have been trying to avoid for a week now. As much as I have said I can’t keep acting like Big Macintosh… it hasn’t exactly been hard. Apple Bloom and Granny Smith haven’t made any suspicions known, and the only other pony to have noticed a difference in him was Pinkie Pie.

Maybe Dr. Dream Heart would have eased into these hard hitting questions, but Applejack was straight to the punch. I knew I was me, and Big Mac was himself. I knew it in my heart… but “my” heart was Big Mac’s heart. Could it really be…?

“Ah’m not Big Mac… but ah can’t deny that we’re pretty similar.”

“Maybe that’s part o’ the reason ya’ll ended up like this?” She pondered.

“Ya think so, Applejack?”

“Well ah can’t be sure, but it sure as hay can’t be no coincidence, can it?”

The scariest part was that she was probably right.

After hearing that Gabriel had stopped by the hospital today from Redheart, Dream Heart had decided to make her way out to Sweet Apple Acres. Her head was still a bit light, but she could walk around and use magic without feeling the need to release what she had for dinner. If Gabriel was willing to work with her now, she wasn’t going to wait for him to come back.

The late afternoon at Sweet Apple Acres was a breathtaking sight. The orange sunset slipped in between the clean lines of apple trees, blanketing the entire farm in a warm light. The farmhouse itself was a picturesque depiction one would find in a colorful storybook picture of a country farm. Complete with the burly farm stallion at the front of the barn, a hay bale on his back.

“Good evening, Gabriel.” Dream Heart said as she approached the stallion. Gabriel dropped the hay bale in front of the barn on top of a stack of rectangular bales. He turned to look at Dream Heart with a confused expression.

“Dr. Dream? What can ah do ya for?” He asked her.

“I’m sorry to disturb you while you are at home. I was made aware you came to visit me at the hospital?”

Gabriel’s hoof came up and rubbed the back of his neck. His eyes shifted away and towards the ground to the side of Dream Heart. Timidness from him? Maybe embarrassment would be a better explanations.

“…Uh, eeyup, ah did ma’am. Ah hope yer feelin’ better than this mornin’.”

Formality, embarassment, politeness. Gabriel hasn’t ever been a mean pony to Dream, but his manners were certainly limited in the past. There was always a sense of defiance in Gabriel’s demeanor the two times she spoke with him. He didn’t want to admit to needing her help before, and fought against any ground that she tried to cover with him, even if she eventually did gain headway.

Today? He wasn’t ready to fight in their interactions. What was it about his behavior that was catching her at this moment?… It was humility, she realized. “I am, thank you,” Dream said with a warm smile. This change was a positive one, and she could definitely work with it. “Was there anything urgent that you needed to see me for?”

“Ah… Nnnope- well actually, eeyup, but not so much that ya needed to stop resting.” Gabriel sighed and looked at her directly. “Ah’d like to start workin’ with you properly… if ya think you can help find Big Macintosh.”

That’s where the humility was coming from. Gabriel had to ask for something he initially refused to budge on. Dream Heart would never admit to the smug smile she held inside of her own head. “Does this mean that you will remove the ultimatum you gave me, Gabriel?”

“Eeyup, no ultimatums, just yer help…”

Dream Heart’s hidden smug smile had turned into a real, genuine smile on her face. “I would be happy to help. In fact, I have an idea I would like to try with you. If you are willing.”

“Anythin’, doc. If you think it’ll help, ah accept it.”

“Perfect! I will see you tomorrow then?”

“Eeyup.”

“Very well, I’ll keep my schedule open.” Dream turned away, but remembered something before she began to walk back to Ponyville. “Oh, and one thing. Come tomorrow tired.”

“…Tired.”

“Yes. It will make more sense tomorrow, I promise.”

“Alright.” Gabriel’s confirmation was when Dream decided to depart, but this time it was Gabriel that stopped her hooves from moving forward. “Doc, can ah ask you something?”

“Of course.” Dream said, turning back around.

“Do ya think ah’m real? Like…. real real?”

…That humility now had a different tone underneath it. Not shame or guilt. There was doubt, there was confusion, and there was nervousness. “What do you mean, Gabriel?”

“Do ya think ah’m actually a person, or do ya think that ah’m… ah’m just some made up character Big Mac created?”

Now this was new. Gabriel was doubting himself? For a pony- or rather, a human who was completely sure of who he was, this was a surprising moment of uncertainty coming from Gabriel. What brought this change, she didn’t know, which meant that Dream Heart had to be extra careful when answering that question…

“Gabriel, what do you think you are?”

“…My name is Gabriel, Gabriel Ruiz. Ah know that cuz it’s in here.” He pointed at his head. “But all ah gotta do is turn my head in a different direction, and then this mind ah’m usin’ says my name is Big Macintosh. Ah know they aren’t my memories, they’re Big Mac’s, and that’s why they say that… But everythin’ in Mac’s memories exists here.”

“Ah can talk to his sisters, his grandma, Winona recognizes him and wags her tail. Ponies in town wave at Big Macintosh, and everythin’ he knows and understands is here, all around him.”

“But mine? Everythin’ ah know isn’t here. My home town looks nothin’ like this place, and certainly doesn’t exist in a place called Equestria. Everythin’ ah know can't be seen or heard or felt or smelt anywhere around here. Nobody knows who ah am, or what a human is. Everythin’ that makes me… me…. is inside Big Mac’s head.”

“What if ah am just some fake identity he made up and hid behind? What if nothin’ ah actually know and remember ain’t real?”

Gabriel’s argument about himself was as much a philosophical discussion on reality as it was a personal crisis he was now suffering. Answering this with a philosophical answer wouldn’t give him the answer he needed right now. So Dream Heart made her choice and stuck with it.

“What was your sister’s name, Gabriel?” She asked a question that caught him off guard, but in his current state of mind, he wouldn’t put up much resistance to her questioning.

“…Daniella, Daniella Ruiz.”

This was a gamble, but if he was left like this tomorrow, Dream feared it would only be harder to try out her new idea. “Daniella is a pretty name. Did you love Daniella?”

The reaction was instant. “Of course ah loved her! Ah still love her with all mah heart!”

“Was Daniella real?”

The sudden burst of anger Gabriel was exerting became a fuming trickle after Dream’s question. He had no answer to say to her, but they both knew what his answer would be. Dream Heart stepped forward towards Gabriel, and held one hoof towards his cheek.

“When you doubt who you are, you aren’t just doubting yourself. You are doubting everything that you love and care for. Everything that makes you.” She made sure to look him straight in the eyes as she spoke her next words. “You are real, Gabriel Ruiz, just as real as me, the grass, the sky, or Big Macintosh. How you came to be does not matter, what matters is that you remember what makes you. You are real.”

Generally, it wasn’t a good thing for a psychiatrist to tell their patients what they are or what they aren’t. Patients had to come to their own conclusions, and her role was to guide them to healthier ones. In this one case, however, Dream Heart decided that a direct conclusion was better for him. Not that there have been many documented cases of human personalities occupying a pony’s body to base her choice off of.

She released Gabriel’s cheek after saying her piece. Gabriel didn’t respond to her immediately. It was hard for even Dream to get a read on how he felt now. This wasn’t uncommon for patients going through moments of distrust with their own mind, and was probably more common for a patient that possibly had two.

In the end, he didn’t say anything at all. Gabriel closed his eyes, and nodded towards Dream Heart.

“I will see you tomorrow, Gabriel. We can talk more about it then, if you need it.” A reassuring smile didn’t fit the moment, so she didn’t give one. An understanding nod in return was better.

“Ah understand. Have a good night, Miss Dream.”

“And you as well, Gabriel.”

Dream Heart departed from Sweet Apple Acres. There was lots to prepare for now, and first on her list was one more practice run of dreamwalking with Redheart. This time with less inappropriateness. If things went well tonight, then she would be completely ready for tomorrow.

If Big Macintosh was anywhere within Gabriel, then Dream Heart would find it inside his mind from the Dream World.

5 - What Are You Afraid Of?

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I completed Dream Heart’s prerequisite for my session with her today. I was tired, very tired. After what we had talked about, sleep had evaded me for the entire night. The worst part about thoughts is that you often had very little control of them. One random intrusive ponder from your mind could set off a cascade that keeps you awake even when your body’s spent its last legs already.

There was a reason why I worked until I couldn’t think straight. It was all to avoid days like these, where everything is asked and nothing is answered. Any conclusions I could make were left with glaring question marks that only made it harder to move on from. Now I didn’t even have the energy to work until I passed out. The bed was so inviting, yet so incapable of fulfilling my needs.

What was worse was that I did actually have a few moments of sleep. Especially as my body just couldn’t force me to stay awake any longer. In those moments of rest, I was left in a state of unrest after experiencing the same dream I always seemed to get. A white void, with just me and me alone inside of it. A dream that knew what I wanted the most, and made sure it was completely out of reach. I woke up far too early to feel rested, but far too late to stop the dread from setting in.

Big Macintosh’s family stared at me in surprise when I walked down the stairs for breakfast. There was no immediate mirror around to take in my current appearance, but I didn’t need one to know that I looked positively awful. My head was hung low, and a deep groan escaped me just from having to use the stairs. Walking to the table with the grace and finesse of a zombie in an R rated B movie. Apple Bloom was the first to speak about it on my approach.

“…Mac, did ya get any sleep at all? Ya look like a zombie in one o’ Twist’s comic books.”

She hit the nail on the head with that one. “Nnnope,” I admitted after seating myself at the table.

“Ya need ta hit the hay after breakfast, Mac,” Applejack said, which was agreed upon by Granny Smith, who gave a firm nod herself.

“Can’t, ah got somethin’ to do in Ponyville today.”

Granny Smith raised a brow. “Whaddaya gotta do in Ponyville that’s more important than sleep, sonny boy?”

My gaze looked towards Applejack, who stood as still as a stone. She had been keeping my existence secret just like we promised, but there was nothing for her to do when asked about it. Applejack just wasn’t a good liar and she knew it. Any excuses were ones I’d have to make on my own.

“Ah couldn’t sleep cause o’ migraines. Gonna see the doctor today.” I lied to Granny, and hoped that she wouldn’t be able to tell. All the best lies had a little bit of truth in them. I was going to see a doctor, just not for migraines.

My lie was met with a squint from Granny Smith’s eyes. I did wonder in that moment if squinting was more effective as a pony with huge bug eyes, but that thought didn’t get too far when ‘did she know I’m lying?’ was sitting at the forefront.

“…Hooey!” She exclaimed, and for a moment I thought the jig was up. “Needin’ doctors to fix some head pain, ah can make ya some sweet tea that’ll fix ya right up.”

The false alarm had been silenced, and my heart stopped skipping beats. “Ah appreciate it, Granny, but ah still wanna make sure with the doctor.”

“Hmph! You’ll at least have a cup before ya go. Don’t want ya becomin’ a log in the road when ya pass out!” She huffed at me, but didn’t argue about it any further. The breakfast passed without any other mentions of my exhaustion, but I could still see the concern on Apple Bloom when she eyed me from the table. I wondered then how long it would take before Big Macintosh’s youngest sister would grow suspicious enough to ask more hard hitting questions.

It was honestly surprising to me that a child as young as her hasn’t asked me a dozen direct questions about it. When Daniella was her age, I couldn’t forget how many times she would ask me the most up front questions about things she thought about. I was fifteen when a ten year old Dany came up to me and asked me about sex. A teenage boy going through puberty should never be the one to teach a young girl about that.

“Hey Brother?” Apple Bloom asked before I could leave the house. I was still finishing Granny’s sweet tea when she approached me. “Can ah ask ya somethin’?”

Oh no. “Eeyup.”

“Do ya have a marefriend?”

I nearly choked on my tea. Today I learned about the risks of speaking things into existence. “Uuuh… nnnope?”

“Really? Cuz ah thought ah saw ya talkin’ to somepony yesterday. Some pretty mare lady with glasses!”

All the red on my face must have become pale white. Apple Bloom saw me with Dream Heart yesterday. Applejack had already gone off to check on the chickens. I was completely on my own.

“Were ya havin’ a secret meeting with yer special somepony?” Apple Bloom gave me a toothy grin, putting extra emphasis on those last two words.

“…Nnnope.”

“Are ya lyin?”

“Nnnope.”

“Are ya keepin’ it a secret from Granny an’ Big Sis?”

“Nnnope.”

“Oh! Oh! Is she a fem fay-tall?”

“Nnnope…. Where did ya even hear that word?” I asked her.

“Diamond Tiara said it once. She said she wanted ta be a fem fay-tall one day. When ah asked her, she said a fem fay-tall was a mare who hypnotized colts with their feminine power! Are ya hypnotized, Macky?”

“…Nnnope.”

“Are ya suuure? She even held yer face!”

Oh god, this was getting so much worse. Thank Celestia-… thank god that Granny’s hearing was so bad that she wouldn’t overhear this. “…Apple Bloom, she’s the doctor ahm visiting today. She was just… checkin’ my head out yesterday.”

“…Huh?” Apple Bloom asked, “Why would she be at the farm ta do that?”

Lying wasn’t easy, this was something I had learned quickly. If I wanted to be 2 for 2 on lies today, I had to choose my next words carefully. Why would Dream Heart have visited? How could I answer in a way that doesn’t leave the mare involved stuck with the stamp, “Big Mac’s Marefriend” plastered on her by Apple Bloom…

“She… uh, offered to come by and check first before makin’ me go to the hospital fer it.”

I rolled my dice, and whether it was a twenty or a one all depended on Apple Bloom’s answer… The little menace in front of me squinted her eyes and grinned.

“Aaaalright~” Apple Bloom said, “Whateva ya say, Big Bro.”

I’ll call that roll a ten. Sorry, Dream Heart. I hope you aren’t in a relationship. It was thankfully enough to get Apple Bloom to stop asking questions. As much as she wanted to tease me about my “secret somepony”, the kid had school and I wasn’t about to let her skip it. I offered to walk her to school again, but she claimed to be a big mare and didn’t need him to walk with her. It was true that she didn’t, and I wasn’t about to stick around for her to ask anymore questions.

Out of Sweet Apple Acres I went and towards the Hospital once again. Hopefully nobody in town had noticed that the large farm pony was making frequent appearances at Ponyville General. It’d be another one of those things that Big Macintosh would have a hard time explaining if he gets back…

When he gets back.

Redheart confirmed for me that Dream Heart was inside, and noted my exhausted appearance. At least I think she did, but with the fatigue I was feeling it could have been my eyes playing tricks. I wasn’t at the point where I was seeing double, at the very least.

Down the hall and towards the office marked with her name. I gave it two bumps with my hoof, which came out far sturdier than I wanted them to, and waited. Granny’s tea was putting in overtime trying to keep me from falling over, and if Dream Heart didn’t answer anytime soon, it may just punch out and let me sleep right here. Horses could sleep standing up, a fact my mind repeatedly kept at the forefront of my thoughts.

“Come in,” She called from inside, just before my body decided to test out the standing slumber theory. I instead stumbled my way into the office. Where I found it slightly different from the previous times I have visited.

The window at the back wall of the office has been covered by thick blinds, darkening the room. A handful of candles placed on top of the desk and small tables around the room illuminate it enough to see Dream Heart and the newest items present. The doctor herself hasn’t changed from the last time he saw her. No noticeable differences in her appearance. The couch, however, had two new additions on it. A soft blanket and a pillow…

“Oh my, Gabriel, when I said to come in tired, I hope you didn’t take that as don’t sleep at all? I should have been more clear…”

“Nnnope… ah just didn’t sleep that well,” I said as the door closed behind me. The yawn building up inside of my chest was not able to be contained, and Dream Heart was subjected to Big Mac’s signature style of yawning. Namely the type of yawn that can be heard from two blocks away. Complete with a smack of the lips at the end.

“Well, even if we do not do today’s planned event, you may sleep in here for as long as you need. I won’t have you trying to walk back to the farm while you are barely standing, Gabriel.”

A stubborn part of me wanted to prove that I’d be just fine walking back without any more sleep. Like I wasn’t already struggling to stay awake. As much as I wanted to attribute that impulse to Big Mac, I know that I would have said that exact same thing if somebody at work thought I couldn’t take care of myself.

Ya might as well be the alien monkey version of my brother!

…And that thought alone kept me awake long enough to ask a question. “So what exactly is this planned event, Dr. Dream?”

She gestured to the couch. That blanket and pillow looked particularly inviting… “Today, I would like to dive into your mind, Gabriel.”

“So a buncha questions ‘fore a nap?” I asked while sitting down.

“Not exactly,” Dream replied, “I mean what I say quite literally. I want us to venture into your own mind, through your dreams.”

I could say it was an unexpected answer, but it really wasn’t. The fact she wanted him to be tired, the candles and the closed blinds, a pillow and a blanket? Everything was pointing to that answer. Probably most obvious was the fact that her name was Dream Heart. Pony names had an odd way of predicting a pony’s future.

“…So ah’m gonna sleep here, and yer gonna poke inside mah head?”

“Not exactly, but close enough. You wish to find Big Macintosh, I can think of no better place to start searching for him than inside of his own mind.”

Why did that sound wrong inside of my own head?… Well, it is Big Mac’s head. I am just occupying it. “It ain’t gonna hurt, is it?”

“It will not. You will, however, become lucid inside of your dream.”

“And is that a good thing?”

“It is. With your lucidness, you will be able to control the dreamscape of your own mind. We will be able to delve into the memories you have difficulty remembering, and piece the parts together. Clues that could lead to Big Mac could be found there.”

“…Ah.” I said, eyes averting from her. She noticed it quickly, and spoke up.

“Does that make you uncomfortable, Gabriel? Bringing up the memories?”

“No… ah mean…” I sighed, “Ah have ta admit ta somethin’ before we do this, then. Remember how ah said ah don’t remember what happened ta Big Mac before he went to sleep?”

“I do, yes. You told me that you could not recall what happened to Big Macintosh that night.” Dream Heart said to him, a brow raised. Why bring that up now?

“…Well, ah may have fibbed a bit.” Gabriel rubbed the back of his neck. Unable to look her in the eye. Textbook guilt. “Ah do remember, it just… ain’t a memory ah like remembering.”

There was something off about how he said that, but Dream didn’t question him about it. Instead, she placed it down as a note. “Would you be willing to recall it now?”

“…Why don’t ya just see it inside of the dream? That way ah don’t have to say it out loud.”

“We can, but before we do that… How have your dreams been of late, Gabriel?”

Unlike Redheart, who she had ventured into completely blind, Dream Heart wanted to know what she was getting into with Gabriel. Red was one thing with her dreams, but a stallion with two personalities could have far more chaotic and dangerous dreams. She had no will over the dream world, only the ability to visit it. If Gabriel was having dreams of dangerous things, and he believed them to be a real danger, then it would be capable of harming her. No real, physical damage, but she would feel it, and if she felt it, she would be thrown out of the dream.

Gabriel didn’t have any notable expressions appear from the question, but Dream Heart attributed that to the fatigue he felt. What she did see was how his body tensed up. Without any other clear signs, Dream didn’t know exactly what it was that he felt. Her best guess? He was uncomfortable talking about it. A lot like the Big Macintosh memory, it’s not that he couldn’t talk about it, he didn’t want to.

She was thankful then that he didn’t decide to refrain this time from speaking about it. Even if it made him uncomfortable. “Ah…” He sighed.

“There’s nothin’ in mah dreams, and ah mean it. Nothing. Just a white void of empty in all directions.”

“Is that perhaps because you cannot recall your dreams?” She asked.

“Nnnope,” He replied quickly, a slow shake of his head following. “Ah remember them, they ain’t nothin’ but me. Me in an empty box of nothin’.”

While Dream Heart wrote down these details, a thought sprung into her head. She looked at the specific note she had taken earlier, and then gazed towards Gabriel again. “And… when you say ‘me’, do you mean…?”

“…What? Ah mean me.”

“As you are now, or before you came here?”

“Ah don’t-“ Gabriel suddenly glowered, the meaning behind her words finally settling in. “Yeah, ah looked like Big Mac in my dream too. Ah can’t even be myself in my own mind.”

Another note was made, and no further questions were asked. Dream surmised that pressing that particular topic would not get anywhere yet. Maybe later, when the two of them have talked more. At the very least, his dream had no immediate dangers to speak of. It would at least be easier to stay in than Redheart’s.

“Alright, before we go any further. I want to make sure with you. Gabriel, are you sure you wish to give me permission to join you in your dreams?”

Gabriel was about to give an immediate confirmation, but stopped just before the words came out. Clearly, her question had created second thoughts inside of the stallion’s head. This gave Dream Heart the chance to further explain. “When I enter into your dream, I will be present in a place that is personal to you and you alone. Your control over the dream will be tied to your own emotions, and emotions are a fickle thing. There is a chance that I will see or hear details about yourself that you never wished to share or reveal to others. While I am sworn never to disclose private patient information, not many ponies are comfortable allowing somepony direct access to the deepest recesses of their mind. I don’t often offer this to my other patients for this exact reason. Are you sure you wish to give me permission to do this?”

Dream Heart was giving him an out. As much as it would disappoint her to lose this opportunity, the patient’s choice was more important. Her talent with dreamwalking had become so rusty because she never used it with patients. The last time Dream had entered the mind of a patient was to help a foal get over her fear of a teenage Pinkie Pie, and that was a great many years ago. It was also the last interesting case she had taken since Gabriel. She still is given cupcakes from Pinkie to this day for helping the foal become her friend.

He took the time to consider this decision, which Dream Heart was glad to see. Gabriel has shown tendencies to care little for his own personal well being. Forsaking himself if it meant making things “better”. Seeing him truly think about what he wanted was important. If he refused right now, Dream would still be satisfied that he made his own decision not out of a suicidal selflessness, but for his own well being.

“Ah… Ah give you permission, Doc.” He said, “As long as it don’t hurt, ah guess.”

“I won’t, that I can promise you.” She smiled, still happy that he wasn’t too gung ho.

“So… what do ah do?”

“That is the simple part, all you need to do is sleep. I will join you soon after.”

“…That, ah can do.”

Dream couldn’t stop a slight giggle from escaping her lips. Gabriel took no heed of her mirth and laid down on the makeshift bed. Both the body and pillow were too small for a stallion as large as him, but he did not seem to mind. With his body running on fumes, it only took him a minute to fall completely asleep.

Now her work could begin. Dream Heart brought herself closer to Gabriel, mere inches from his own face, and cleared her mind of all conscious and unconscious thought. She disconnected from herself, and when the connection returned her horn came alight with magic. Soon, her mind would be sent into the endless world of slumber, but just before she left reality, she placed her horn against Gabriel’s forehead.

The Dream World, in it’s endless expanse of stars, never failed to captivate Dream Heart when she first opened her eyes to it. This was the hardest moment for her to stay empty and emotionless. Its silent beauty tugged at her heart and made her want to be lost in its endless seas. Indulging that foal-like wish would only send her back to her own mind, and soon after, a bucket to promptly empty out her stomach into. It was far better for her to leave the Dream World of her own volition, instead of forcefully.

The distance between her and the nearest star was but a short distance away. Gabriel’s dreamscape, wrapped in a veil of unpierceable light. Dream didn’t know what to expect when her eyes first laid upon it. Mayhap a conjoining of two stars, merging together? Or possible a chaotic, ever changing mass. Nothing so unusual could be seen about it. By all accounts, Gabriel’s dream was just like any other. The real answers would be found within. The only way to see what lies inside would be to step into it. So her hoof reached out to Gabriel’s dream.

The beautiful starscape was gone in a flash of white, and Dream waited for the moment the world around her would clear and reveal what laid inside. The endless white never faded from her vision, she only grew accustomed to it. To describe it was impossible, since there was nothing to describe. Dream Heart found herself encapsulated in nothingness, and at the same time unbound by anything. She could go in any direction, explore without limits, but nothing would change if she did so. For there was nothing to explore.

For anything to happen, this empty world needed to be filled with… anything. A single blade of grass would create the vision of a ground. A cloud floating overhead could make a sky perceivable. Without anything, Dream Heart could not know what to do or where to go. It was fortunate then, that the endless did concede and give her one thing, or rather, one pony.

A single stallion, red in fur, a short distance away from where Dream Heart stood. His body laid down on an imperceptible ground and curled in on itself. Not in a wish to sleep, one did not need sleep. This position was kept for his own security. There was nothing in this vacuum to bring him comfort, so he sought out comfort within himself.

Dream Heart had the instinct to call out to him, but she stopped short. As soon as he became aware of her presence, he would become lucid in the dream. A lucid dreamer had control of their own dreams, and engaging with them carefully avoided any unwanted outcomes from such control. The first of which was how to address the red stallion in front of her.

Gabriel told her that he was still in the form of Big Macintosh in his own dreams, but that does not mean that the Big Macintosh in front of her is Gabriel. If his belief was correct, and Big Mac was here in their mind, then that stallion could be him right now. If she were to call the stallion by the wrong name, how would he react? She couldn’t just say Big Mac either. Gabriel was more likely to react strongly if Dream called him Big Mac, and his mind would change the dream around them to fit his current emotions.

So to avoid a dangerous outcome, Dream Heart decided a neutral introduction to begin. “Hello, can you hear me?” She asked the stallion, avoiding either name to start.

The reaction was immediate, the stallion shot up from his cradle position. Ears at attention, eyes locked on to Dream Heart. She could see the recognition he had of her, and the relief that washed over his tensed body. Time worked differently in the Dream World, and Dream did not know how long he had waited here for her to appear. Sitting in an empty void, all alone, waiting for somepony to appear.

This was all assuming it was Gabriel. If it was Big Mac, the time he had been waiting could possibly be eons. The thought left a heavy weight on Dream Heart’s chest.

“…Dr. Dream?” He asked her. “Is that you? I’m not just imagining you, am I?”

No noticeable country twang. It still was Big Mac’s voice, but Gabriel already noted they had similar voices outside of the accent. This was Gabriel’s accent, not Big Macintosh. He already knew who she was as well. Did that mean Gabriel was speaking to her? She couldn’t be completely sure.

“This is me, yes, I have entered your dream via a dreamwalking spell. You and I are both asleep in the waking world.” Dream was ready to continue on, but needed it clarified before they went ahead. “I want to make sure before we go forward, am I currently speaking to Gabriel?”

The stallion’s relief looked immense. He wasn’t alone in here. That simple fact alone brought him far more comfort than anything else. “Yup.”

It wasn’t an eeyup, and with that confirmation, she now knew for sure who it was. It would have been convenient to run into Big Macintosh the first moment she arrived here, but knowing Gabriel is safe and sound within his own dream was just as important.

“It seems to be exactly as you described, Gabriel. I don’t see anything but you.”

“…Yup, it’s the same thing every night.”

“Why is that?”

Gabriel was taken aback by her statement. “What?” He asked.

“The dream you perceive is influenced by your own mental state. Everything around us was made by you.”

Clearly, this idea did not sit well with Gabriel, he swiveled his head around to find anything. Only to find exactly what it was before, nothing.

“Why would I want this? This isn’t how I dreamed before!”

“It’s not about what you want, it is about what you feel.” Dream Heart stepped forward, and gently placed a hoof against his chest. “Your heart influences your mind more than you believe. Try to remember something happy, something that brought you joy, and your dreamscape can realize it here.”

Whether or not Gabriel did find a happy thought to wander his conscious thoughts to, Dream would not know. Even after his eyes closed and he focused inward, nothing changed in the environment around them. It was just as empty, just as much a void as it was before. When he opened his eyes again, disappointment painted his features.

“It doesn’t seem like it’s gonna be that easy, Dr. Dream,” He said with a sigh. Gabriel was disappointed, but she suspected that he knew this would be the outcome. “I think it’s something to do with Big Mac. He ain’t lettin’ me see anythin’ else but this.”

“You believe this is all Big Macintosh’s doing?”

“Yup! It’s not like I want to be stuck like this, this is the worst thing that I coul-“ Gabriel cut himself off. “…It isn’t a very nice dream.”

What he just said made it all click together in Dream Heart’s head. Absolutely nothing to find, unable to control his dreamscape, and the worst thing that he could think of. This was an experience that she hadn’t of had in awhile, but it is far tamer than some of the ones she had to deal with when young foals came to her.

“Gabriel, allow me to explain something about the Dream World,” She began, “The way your dream world is shaped is through your psyche. What you feel, what you believe, what you enjoy or hate, what makes you who you are. All of them can influence your dreams.”

“So I’m right, Big Mac is influencin’ my dream.”

Dream shook her head. “While I do not have the benefit of extensive research regarding multiple personalities and their dreamscapes, I am almost certain that it is not Big Macintosh that is creating this dreamscape.”

“…How can ya be sure?” Gabriel was beginning to look nervous, but Dream Heart had to explain this to him.

“Dreamscapes form in three different types. A dream, a neutral or positive scape that is tied to your current psyche. A memory, a vividly remembered part of your history that is replayed for your own viewing. Or…”

He already knew what I was about to say. “A nightmare,” Gabriel replied.

“Correct. I believe that this place, this void? This is your nightmare.” Her words came with no discernable surprise from him. He knew this already, he was just denying it himself. Dreamers often felt the weight of the nightmare within them when they suffered from them. The silent resignation was the only confirmation she needed.

Unfortunately, to simply erase the nightmare required a power over the Dream World that she did not possess. Maybe a fully grown alicorn would have the potential to will it away, but no such alicorn with the power to dreamwalk lived in this day and age. Or at least she has never encountered Celestia in her time dreamwalking.

“You have no control right now because the nightmare has taken you, Gabriel. There is only one way to solve this. For us to move forward, you have to face the fear that is fueling this nightmare.”

Gabriel let out an exasperated sigh. “How am I supposed to know what fear is keeping me here? What? Should I list them all out for you?”

“Yes.”

Dream Heart sat on her haunches right after speaking. Gabriel was not expecting such a simple answer to his sarcastic question. “You have shared with me in the past some of the fears you have felt. Please, share it with me. Tell me what you are afraid of.”

She waited for his response.

And waited.

Gabriel was flabbergasted at the start. As if he wasn’t the one that asked her if he wanted to list them. Dream Heart had to watch carefully to see the whirling spiral of emotions that followed. His hooves guided him to pace back and forth in front of her. He thought to himself. Nervousness furrowed his brow, but defiance pursed his lips and made him stomp the ground to no effect.

His internal conflict finally landed on a hesitant defiance, Gabriel’s eyes shot up towards Dream Heart. “How is any of this gonna help?” He said, avoiding the elephant.

“The only way to get rid of a nightmare is to face the fear that fuels it.”

“You said that! I just don’t get it! If it really was a nightmare, why don’t I know what fear it’s made out of?”

It was subtle, but Gabriel’s voice faltered at the end of his sentence. The slightest crack in his defenses. A hesitant answer to an unspoken question. Gabriel knows what fear it is, he is lying.

“What fear would create a place such as this, do you think? You mentioned your fear of whether or not you were real. Is this the manifestation?”

“Nope.” He said matter of factly. Not a lie this time, or his shield was fortified. Dream Heart suspected the former, this topic was merely to funnel Gabriel to his true fear. “I’m… over that one. You explained it to me already.”

“Yet you do not sound quite sure.” She pressed on, giving Gabriel no room to breathe this time. “I told you that you are real, do you believe that? What about your fear of the Apple family?”

“I’m not afraid of them!”

“Are you? You are scared they will replace the family you once had.”

“Nope- that’s not-.”

“Or maybe it could be the imposter fear? That you will be found out and seen as a mental case to the townsponies?”

“That doesn’t-! Nope! I-“

“You are desperate to bring back Big Mac and disappear from his body, but are you actually afraid of what will happen then? What will become of you when you are destroyed like you asked me?”

“Stop! That ain’t the problem!”

“Then what is the problem, Gabriel?”

“Ah don’t know what the problem is!”

“Are you sure? You are beginning to sound like Big Macintosh.”

‘Big Mac’ flared his nostrils in a sudden bout of anger. “Ah am not Big Mac!!”

“Then where is he?”

“Ah don’t know!”

“Then why are you here?”

“A-Ah don’t know!”

“Then what are you afraid of, Gabriel?”

“Ah’m afraid that he ain’t here!!”

His words echoed endlessly in the white expanse. Growing quieter as it faded into the distance. Gabriel breathed heavily, and the glare he was leveling at Dream Heart softened. These few moments he had were spent calming the beating of his heart. She waited for him to be ready to speak. He already said what she wanted him to say, now it was time to develop that.

“…Ah- I’m afraid that… that we’ll do all of this searching. That we will find out what really happened to me… and learn that Big Macintosh is gone. He’ll be gone forever and never able to come back, and I’ll be…”

“…His imposter for the rest of your life?”

“…Eeyup.”

The bandage was ripped off, and the scar underneath could begin to fade. It was a subtle change in the world around them that told Dream Heart that they were in the right direction. Left unnoticed by Gabriel, a bit of color had appeared in the endless white. A small patch of grass, a couple feet behind him. This was it, now he had to accept it.

“That is a fear I would expect you to have. With your circumstances alone, it’s completely understandable to have that feeling. Not knowing what you will find out can be terrifying, and this place? This place is both your greatest fear realized, and the wall you are placing to avoid the answer.”

“…” He soon was on his haunches as well, and another grass sprout appeared. Gabriel didn’t catch this one either. “I keep… saying that Big Mac is here, that I am going to find him and fix this, but I have no idea if he is. He could be in my body for all I know, or maybe he’s just… he’s… you know what I’m going to say.”

Dream Heart nodded, erased, she thought the word that was left unspoken. “You refused to think about the idea of Big Macintosh being out of reach, is that right?”

“…Yup,” He nodded his head, “I can’t accept what Big Mac has left me. This isn’t my life, this isn’t my body! Yet the longer I’m here… the easier it is to accept it, and I don’t like that. I need him to be here, I need him to take it back. Let me go, let me move on, don’t give me this chance…”

She really wished she had her notepad in the Dream World, because what he had just said was very noteworthy. “What chance, Gabriel?”

“…To have a family again.”

A crack in the dreamscape shattered the white void. Falling like snow and evaporating as it landed on the new grasslands that surrounded them. Apple trees in neatly divided lines ran on either side of them, while a red barn and farmhouse stood in the distance. The nightmare was gone, and the dream took the form of what Gabriel wanted the most.

They stood in Sweet Apple Acres, and Gabriel was ashamed to see it.

6 - Providing

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Everything I ever wanted was sitting in front of me. The farm, and everything in it. Shadows moved through the house in the distance. Big Macintosh’s family, going about their daily routines just a short distance away. They were so easy to reach. Just a short walk through the orchard to the farm house. To home.

But not my home, no matter how much I envy’d the stallion who did call this place his home. It was better to be here than in that void… by a marginal amount. That overwhelming sense of dread was replaced with a longing, and feelings of guilt. It would be so easy, to act the part, to be Big Macintosh. To be a part of that loving, caring household…

“Well… nightmare’s gone,” I said with a sigh. The pressure Dream Heart was putting on me was to get the nightmare out. As soon as the void shattered, she had softened back to her usual self. That mare was surprisingly aggressive when she wanted to be, and I was a little bit annoyed that she forced me to admit it. Even if it was necessary. “What do we do now?”

To my own great relief, Dream Heart did not press on what I had just said. It didn’t quite make me forgive her for what she just did to me. If her methods inside of my dream made any progress in finding out what happened to Big Mac, I’ll forgive her then.

I’m sure she knew I was unhappy with her, the doctor was far more perceptive than most ponies. Being read like a book was not what I wanted right now. “…Now,” She spoke softly, as if trying not to agitate me, “Try changing something about the world around us. Anything that you would like to change.”

I don’t want to change any- No. “Alright,” I said, and looked to the nearby dirt path that led to the farm house in one direction, and Ponyville in the other.

“Imagine what you want, and believe that it is there.”

There was no particular thing I could think of wanting right now. My mind began wandering onto various ideas. Well, there was one idea. I imagined Big Macintosh, as he once was, standing right on that dirt path. I blinked, and instead of seeing Big Mac, I saw myself now standing on the dirt path.

“…That isn’t funny.” I said out loud to myself. This was my dream, I could criticize myself here.

“Well, you are certainly in some form of control. What were you imagining?” Dream Heart asked me,.

“…That I’d be standing here instead of there.” I obviously lied hoping she wouldn’t press it any further. Applejack was already a pony lie detector, a master dreamwalking mind reader didn’t change the fact that Big Mac and I never could get away with a lie for long.

“I see.” Dream Heart knew, I could tell by the way she regarded me. “Why don’t we try making something else? Oh! Maybe something that doesn’t exist in Equestria, perhaps? Try creating something from your home.”

Something from back home. That shouldn’t be too hard, I looked at the space in front of me and pondered. What would be the best thing to show to Dream Heart? My first thoughts were things with handles, but the Big Mac part of my head reminded me that most pony things have human-like handles. Hooves just stick to them, one of many perks of magic. So what would be the best thing to show her?

A cell phone could be good, but I was never really able to afford a nice one and can only think about the flip phone I used to own. Not that it would make a difference for a pony who’s never seen a phone before. Still, I wasn’t sure that was what I wanted to share. Phones were neat and all, but I always liked things with more mechanical skill to them… Maybe a car?

The image popped into my head, and a car had appeared in front of the two of us instantly. A 2008 Toyota Corolla, in that beige color that every 2000s sedan and family van had. There were two scratches in the front left headlight, and rust had been forming on the back bumper for several years now. The mileage on it was well over 250k, and it needed an oil change and a check on the rear axle.

“…Wow, what is that?” Dream Heart asked as she eyed the strange machine in front of her.

It was my car, the one I got for dirt cheap when I turned 16 and used every single day. I never had the savings to truly upgrade from it, so I pushed it for as long as I could. Thankfully, I got to do any maintenance I needed on it at work when I had free time. At no charge at all. This toyota wouldn’t have survived this long if it wasn’t for that.

Dream Heart had asked her question several seconds ago. She was waiting for an answer, but I never gave her one. I wasn’t trying to be rude or ignore her. For some reason, when I looked at my own car, I felt any words forming on my tongue fade before they could be spoken. It was odd, why would I be so unable to talk about a car I’ve driven and worked on for a decade? I could tell a novel’s worth of history of the things I did in this car, but nothing came to my lips.

“Holy shit, Gabe, watch out! Gabriel!!”

A man I knew had his voice echo through the dream. The doctor’s ears shot up, and looked at the world around us. Dream Heart had heard the same sentence call out from the sky above. When her eyes looked back to me, my car had disappeared. I didn’t want to look at it anymore.

“Are you alright, Gabriel?” She asked me.

“I… don’t know.” I said, and this time I was completely honest. What he said left me with an incredibly uncomfortable chill in the back of my neck. I didn’t want to see my car, or hear that voice, I didn’t want to think about it. Why I didn’t want to? I wasn’t sure, but it was better than thinking about it, that’s all I knew.

“Was that something somepony said to you?”

“Uh… well I don’t really know. I don’t remember hearing anythin’ like that.” Suddenly, I had the urge to rub my neck. “…Let’s move on to the next step, please.”

Dream Heart wanted to go further on the topic that just echoed across the entire dream, but decided against it in the end. Frankly, this entire dream exploration idea has not been what I was hoping for. Dream probably knew that if we didn’t move along and work on something substantial, I would quit. As much as she wished to probe me further for every little uncomfortable thought and feeling that crawled underneath my skin.

I know she’s just here to help…

Do I want help?

Of course I do! There are no other options I would ever consider. I need to find Big Macintosh. Even if I am left extremely uncomfortable inside of my own head.

“Next… why don’t we explore the memories of Big Macintosh? The one you didn’t want to talk about directly.”

Every step had to be something more uncomfortable, didn’t it? “Okay… how do I do that?”

“Much like the others. Recall the memory in your mind, and imagine that the world around us is the memory itself.”

She wasn’t wrong, it seemed incredibly easy to influence your own dream. Even if it doesn’t come out as you intended it to. My mind searched for Big Macintosh’s last memory. One that I knew would leave me feeling awful, but if there was something to learn from it, then I would have to bear that awful feeling and watch.

Why would you say that to me, Mac?!

Wrong memory.

If that’s the case, then you have no place bein’ mah brother!

There it is.

The two ponies appeared inside the Apple family household. The upstairs hallway that led to each of the family member’s private bedrooms. There they stood just a few steps away from two other ponies. One looked just like Gabriel in appearance, while the other was the form of Applejack. Both of them were fake, images created by Gabriel’s, or more correctly, Big Mac’s memories. Dream Heart and Gabriel’s presence was unnoticed by the two images, and they continued the memory as if nothing was different.

Going from the peaceful outside to this moment in history sent whiplash through Dream Heart and Gabriel. Their ears suddenly bombarded by the anger fueled back and forth of an argument boiling well over the limit. Granny Smith had just made her verdict on what the new growth for the farm would be, and Applejack’s new idea for a new variety of apple was chosen. Big Macintosh, who had for the most part of a decade been the one choosing the new growths for the orchard, had his plans shot down.

This led to the memory Gabriel now showed Dream Heart.

“Granny agreed already! Makin’ more gala apples fer cider would be nice, but would leave to much of the farm at risk o’ going under if the galas gets infected!” Applejack barked at Big Macintosh after he had approached her in the hallway, already looking to pick a fight.

“That’s why the new growth was separated from the rest of the galas!” Big Mac roared right back, “Now we are gonna struggle durin’ cider season like we always do!”

“We are always strugglin’ durin’ cider season, Mac. That’s why we work together as a family ta serve as many as we can! A new growth ain’t gonna magically solve it!”

Big Macintosh snorted hot air, and glared down at his sister. “Ah decided we needed galas to help the family. Ya decided we needed somethin’ new to appease yerself, Jack!”

Applejack scoffed, “Havin’ a new popular apple is only gonna help us! We read the same message from Apple Twirl tellin’ us how popular they’ve been in Fillydelphia! Why in the hay do you think ah’d ever choose somethin’ that wouldn’t help the family?!”

“Ah dunno, maybe how ya want ta lead the farm so badly now? Makin’ decisions like you’ve been the one leadin’ it fer a decade!”

She was taken aback by his firm statement, and the anger behind it. “Mac, are ya serious? We’re both adults, and ah’m just as capable of helpin’ make choices around here as you or Granny!”

“Nnnope! Clearly, you ain’t!” Big Macintosh glared down over his sister, his form towering above her. Applejack was never a mare to refuse a challenge, and was unaffected by her brother’s aggressive stance and loud voice. She would only match it. “After this hurts the farm, ya have no place leadin’ the farm, Applejack!”

“If that’s the case, then you have no place bein’ mah brother!”

Both Gabriel and Dream Heart saw the dream shift in color to fit the current mood of Big Macintosh. For almost all of this memory, the hallway had been tinted a fiery red. Burning with pent up frustration and rage that had been building for who knows how long. His frustrations had built up past the point of no return, and came out in an incoherent rage pointed towards Applejack.

That rage went silent the moment Applejack said he didn’t deserve to be her brother. A raging flame was snuffed out in seconds, replaced by a dull gray that surrounded everyone in the hallway, but only noticed by the two watching from a distance. It was a lifeless color, without passion or rage. Without love or envy. Only the worst of emotions could live in a color such as this. Fear and guilt.

“…Shucks, ah’m sorry, Mac. That was too far, ah just- Hey!”

Applejack tried to call out to Big Macintosh, but the stallion was already entering his bedroom when she did. The door was slammed behind him, with an audible click as the lock closed. She rushed to the door and knocked against it with hard slams of her hoof.

“Mac! Mac ah shouldn’t have said that! Ya know ah didn’t mean it! Mac!”

Mac! Mac! The voice went on, but Big Macintosh didn’t answer. Gabriel and Dream Heart’s perspective of the memory shifted to the inside of Big Mac’s room. Where a hyperventilating Big Mac now stood, the room was lifeless and gray, and the stallion locked inside of it didn’t know what to do. The words he had heard threw him into a shock.

He slumped against the side of his own bed with a heavy thump. His breathing eventually slowed, but in its place, Big Macintosh curled in on himself. Taking the fetal position on the hard wooden ground. That is where he stayed until he finally decided to sleep. Ignoring the heavy banging against his own door.

“He went to bed after that, and that’s the last thing I remember.” Gabriel said as they reappeared back outside of the Sweet Apple Acres household. The dirt on the path still pressed in from the car tires that previously rested upon it.

Dream Heart had taken that entire memory into her own memory. She hoped to remember the details while she lacked proper note taking equipment. It was an event that Applejack had already told her about. The fight between her and Big Mac that was followed by Gabriel’s appearance. To see it so clearly now from Big Macintosh’s perspective has helped Dream come to some of her own conclusions. Yet there was one part missing from the memory.

“Do you know at all what was going through Big Mac’s thoughts during that memory, Gabriel?” She asked the stallion next to her.

“Yup. He was feelin’ awful for what he said to her. Kept telling himself that he was an idiot for doing that.”

“Even during the argument?”

“Nope, there weren’t any words being thought during that… Big Mac was runnin’ on pure emotion, I think.”

This memory didn’t answer any of the how of what happened to Gabriel and Big Mac, but it gave Dream Heart an idea of a possible reason why it happened. Big Macintosh’s sudden shift from pure anger to cold guilt and fear was instant, and that feeling weighed upon him for that entire night. It’s likely that what Applejack said to Big Macintosh in that moment struck a chord with some form of-.

“Dr. Dream… if you could,” Gabriel interruped her train of thought. An uncomfortable expression on his face as he looked towards her. “This wasn’t Applejack’s fault… so, please don’t think that this was because of her.”

He stayed focused on Dream Heart. Intent on making sure his words were taken. Dream was not planning to place any blame on Applejack, but her thinking must have made him believe she would have… His response to that belief was far more interesting now, and Dream couldn’t help but try and find out.

“Did you think I was going to blame her, Gabriel?” She asked curiously. Gabriel pointed his gaze elsewhere when Dream suddenly returned his focus.

“We both know how that looks.” He said, “I’m just makin’ sure…”

“There is a possibility that what she said could have led to what happened to you.”

“Well, it didn’t.”

“Are you sure?”

“Nope, but I’d rather believe that than blame her for it… I don’t think Big Mac would want his sister to feel like she did this to him.”

“Is this coming from how you would feel if it was your sister in this position?”

He flinched. That’s exactly what it was. Gabriel always admitted far more through his behavior than his words did, but even today his words were telling Dream Heart about things she didn’t believe he intended to reveal. There was already a building connection between how he perceived the Apple family and his own deceased family. Those pieces had already been forming a picture for her, but now Gabriel outright said the quiet part.

Dream Heart knew better than to press that particular spot any further, however. Say it too loud and she may lose Gabriel completely. So she backed off, if only a little bit. There would be no spoken answer for her question, only a silent answer from the stallion. “It’s a respectable thing for you to do, especially for somepony who you aren’t related to. I am sure Big Macintosh would appreciate that as well.”

What she said was genuine, and helped to bridge the gap that was forming between them. There was other things Dream could try and learn that weren’t going to be so intrusive for Gabriel.

“…I just know that Big Mac would do the same thing if it was Daniella.”

“Is that so?”

“Yup. I’ve fought with my sister about stuff like that before… only… I won my argument.”

“You’ve… had this exact argument?” Dream cocked a brow, Gabriel nodded his head.

“I can show you, right? Just make the memory appear?”

“Yes you can, this will be one of your own memories then?”

“Yup, I-“ The words were cut short from Gabriel’s mouth as he realized the clearer picture. He was about to show his memories as a human to Dream Heart.

“…I should uh, warn you. My world is a little bit different from yours.”

“In what ways?”

“Well, it’s not as colorful. There’s no magic, it isn’t as… clean is not the right word, but it’s the only one I can think of.”

“If it would help, try describing it as if I was another human. Instead of a pony.”

“…Alright, it isn’t cartoony. It’s… real, in every sense of the word. The good and the bad that comes with that.”

Cartoony? Dream thought to herself. She did tell him to explain it that way, but she certainly had no idea what he meant by cartoony, or “real” for that matter… Whatever this memory would be, it apparently will be quite different from her own experiences. Which is what Gabriel was worried about. Dream Heart put on a reassuring smile.

“Don’t worry, Gabriel. I will not be uncomfortable seeing something different from what I am used to. Please, if you want to show me, I would like to see it.”

He hesitated for a few more moments, deciding for himself if this was truly something he wished to share. Until Gabriel finally came to a decision. He closed his eyes, and the world vanished around them.

“Are you kidding me?!” Cried the teenage girl as she removed the phone from her ear. Daniella had just gotten off the phone with Gabriel’s boss. The words he said to her had left the girl in a furious rage that nobody could quell, especially not the man sitting at the small dining table across from her.

“Did you seriously tell him that you would quit if he hired me?!” Daniella asked him, though it was better described as barking at him. “Did you say that, Gabe?!”

“Yup.” The man said stoically, idly chewing on the tobacco between his teeth. He had been expecting this reaction from her for days now, and knew what to expect. It would have been weird if Daniella hadn’t gone off at him after what he had just done.

For nearly ten years, Gabriel has worked at Crisp Auto Shop as a mechanic. The owner of the Auto Shop was the man who helped take care of him and Daniella after their parents died. They lived with their grandma, but she wasn’t well enough to look after a young boy and a toddler. In return for all he did to give them a comfortable childhood, Gabriel began working at the shop as soon as he turned sixteen.

A few days ago, Daniella turned seventeen years old. She was the star athlete in her high school. The top of track and field. Her athletic skills paired nicely with her can-do mindset of working. Most of her friends had gotten into more traditionally feminine hobbies, while Daniella had taken up wood working. She joined the carpentry club at school and even helped rebuild and repair much of their run down home for fun. Gabriel couldn’t be any more proud of the woman his little sister was becoming.

Except that she wanted to work in the auto shop. Daniella made this wish known to him before her birthday. She made it very clear to Gabriel that she didn’t like that he was the only one pulling his weight around the house. No member of the Ruiz family was going to be dead weight, and Daniella wanted to help out too.

“What, do you think I’m not ‘man’ enough to work on a car?”

“Nope.” He replied simply.

“Think I’ll become his go-to mechanic or something? We already know I can fix a broken manifold and replace the brakes on your car faster than you can. Scared you won’t be his favorite?”

“Nope.”

“Then what is it?! What possibly made you decide to do that?!”

Daniella was used to her brother’s simple way of speaking, he would talk more when he needed to. The problem was that he didn’t seem to think that this was a moment to further communicate. His answers were only making her angrier. Gabriel had to tell her something, or else she would start throwing things.

“I don’t want you working at the shop. That’s it.”

“You’re kidding, right? You better not say it isn’t safe for me to be there. I’ve been in that place just as much as you have!”

“Nope, it just isn’t for you!”

It was a miracle the phone in her hands hadn't already lodged itself into Gabriel’s skull. By all accounts, she was taking his hurtful words quite well. Even if the explanation may have warranted physical violence. “Why? Why isn’t it for me?! You started working there at sixteen! I know how to do the work. I want to work! I want to help out around here, I want to be the one helping you for a change, Gabe!”

When Gabriel shook his head again, Daniella growled and stomped towards the door. “Fine! But I’m not stopping just because you’re an ass! I’ll go to the body shop on the corner of 31st and Strawberry. I’m sure they’d appreciate the work I do more than my brother does!”

“Wait.” Gabriel said just before she could stomp out of the room entirely. She may have been filled with enough rage to erupt a volcano, but she somehow had enough will to stop and hear what he had to say.

“You remember that I also dropped out of high school after I started working there, right?”

“So? I would have only been a part timer on the weekends!”

“Dany, we both know you’d prefer working on a car or a job instead o’ studying, or hangin’ out with friends, or goin’ to parties or attending clubs. You’ll skip out on all of it, just like I did!”

“Yeah, and?!” Daniella snapped back around in a fury, “So you get to do all of that?! I want to work too! I want to help build us a life that’s better than this! Why are you afforded that chance while I’m stuck like this?!”

“Because I did that for you!” Gabriel finally snapped, angrily staring at Daniella. “I dropped out of school so I could get us our own place to stay! I stopped worrying about friends or fun activities so I could put more hours in and save up for your schooling! Every choice I have made, every single one, was made so that I could provide for you!”

Daniella’s fury had softened under his own growing anger, if only a little bit. Just enough to continue listening…

“The last thing I want is to see you do the same thing I did, because I worked fucking hard to make sure you didn’t have to! I can’t afford to get you into college, but dammit you have one last year of high school left and you cannot waste it working like me! Do you understand that?!”

After his outburst, the angry Daniella stood at the door in silence. Whether or not she did understand was a question he would never have an answer for. She didn’t stomp out the door, but she did walk out of it. Closing the door behind her.

“She didn’t get a job at that other shop after this.”

“Wow…” Dream Heart was still comprehending what she was seeing in front of her. It wasn’t unusual for ponies to dream of unusual creatures, but these ones were so incredibly detailed. There was no mistaking it, these “humans” came from a real memory! Gabriel was absolutely real, nopony could create such a vivid image of an alien creature in their dream without first seeing one, or in this case, living as one!

“That is a human… they’re beautiful. Nothing like us ponies, but amazing, in their own way…”

“Eeyup.”

As much as she wanted to continue her fascination with a new alien species. She was here as a psychiatrist, not any other -ist. While a proper researcher would consider the idea of human minds working differently than ponies, especially after seeing one, Dream had enough experience with Gabriel to assume that their minds worked similarly. Now she had to analyze that memory from her perspective. With that, one thing came to mind.

“Both you and Big Macintosh had a similar conflict between your sisters. About leading the family and providing for them. You were at the beginning of that struggle and staved it off, Big Mac was at its eventual climax…”

“…Eeyup..”

She didn’t mean to say that out loud, but it wasn’t the end of the world. The excitement of seeing a new species was keeping her lips loose. Gabriel could hear what she had to say anyways. Seeing the connections was important for the both of them.

As the world returned to the orchard of Sweet Apple Acres, Dream Heart faced Gabriel and smiled wide. “Gabriel, this glimpse into your mind has given me much to work with. If you give me some time, I think I will be able to find a way forward that will reveal to us what happened that night. Will you allow me this opportunity again? To view your memories and learn more from them? I think we both will be able to learn much from doing this again!”

The large red stallion looked idly towards Sweet Apple Acres. He shrugged his shoulders with a noticeable discontent. “If ya think it’ll help, ah guess. Ah’m sure it can’t hurt anymore than it already has.”

…Wait, Dream Heart had been too caught up in her own thoughts to recognize the change. His yups have turned back into eeyups… the country twang has returned. The doctor’s eyes went wide.

“Are you… Big Macintosh?”

“Eeyup.”

That single word was enough of a shock to break Dream Heart’s empty concentration. In seconds, she was thrown out of Gabriel’s mind, and forced awake in the chair. She was barely able to hold in the flood of nausea threatening to erupt from her.

The stallion sleeping on the couch in front of her had his eyes shoot open. Looking down at Dream Heart’s splayed out form in shock.

“Dr. Dream! Are ya alright?” He asked her, and the confusion she felt hearing that voice only made her nausea worse.

“…Is that… Mac?”

“…Nnnope, It’s Gabe, doc.”

“I saw him… I spoke to him…” burp, “Gabriel, I spoke to Big Macintosh!”

Dream Heart thankfully prepared a bucket behind the chair in case of an event like this, and used it to politely conceal the rather gross amount of vomit she was retching from her stomach. This focus on the bucket gave her no time at all to see Gabriel’s shock and subsequent joy.

Big Macintosh was there, inside of his mind.

7 - Why Do You Care?

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I at least gave her the courtesy of waiting until she was done vomiting to grill her on what happened.

“Ya spoke to Big Mac? The real Big Mac?”

“Yes, I did. Please don’t stand so closely, Gabriel.”

“Ah’m sorry.” I stepped back, now a foot away from her instead of an inch. “What did he say? What happened?”

Dream Heart had barely any time to think before I was hounding her for information. Her raised hoof was the only thing stopping me from constantly asking the same questions over and over again. “Before I answer that, I need to know what happened to you while watching the memory. The one with you and Daniella.”

“Ah…” It probably should have crossed my mind to think about what had happened on my end of that experience. Dream Heart interacted with Big Macintosh after the memory concluded… What was I doing?

“We were watchin’ the memory, and then after that… ah remember wakin’ up and seein’ you.”

“That’s it?”

“Eeyup.”

“Interesting…” Dream Heart was surprisingly willing to engage in conversation, despite the nausea she was no doubt feeling. Her head still angled towards the bucket, just in case any unexpected guests decide to travel up her throat. In defiance of her own sickness, she pondered the situation and answered my desperate questions.

“You remember nothing of the period when Big Macintosh was present, then…” She mused before giving a more thorough explanation, “After your memory was finished, I engaged with who I thought was you in conversation. I didn’t think anything was different in his responses until I noticed the different accent. That is when I asked him, and Big Macintosh’s confirmation was enough to shock me out of your dream, unfortunately.”

After her version of events was given, Dream Heart promptly put her head back over the bucket. Thankfully, no more vomit came to say hello, but she wasn’t about a sudden visit while she wasn’t talking. This momentary pause gave me time to truly ponder what I had just heard.

Ever since I woke up here. My number one goal was to find out where Big Macintosh has been. I may have taken my time in doing so… and avoided some of the greater implications of what it meant to find him, but it was always at the forefront of my mind. I promised Applejack on the very first day that I would bring her brother back to her.

Not that it was the only reason I wanted to find him. Dream Heart already wrenched that secret out of me in the dream. I have my own issues to deal with, and I’d rather not burden a family that isn’t my own with them. They are not a way for me to “move on” or a replacement for what I no longer have. I am an intruder in their lives, not a member of their loved ones.

For the longest time, I was afraid of what I would find. So afraid that my own mind was preventing me from exploring further, but after Dream Heart forced me to admit it to her and to myself, I finally got the chance to truly look back on what had happened… In the process, Big Macintosh was found, inside of my mind!… Well, with his presence now confirmed, I suppose it was better to say his mind.

All those fears of him being gone forever felt like they were washing out of me. For the first time I felt the weight of doubt lift off of my shoulders. There was much still to understand, but everything still felt clearer than it ever had before. Big Macintosh was alive, he was somewhere Dream Heart could reach, and that meant they could work to bring him back!

Sure, it would be nicer if I could have talked to Big Mac myself, but knowing he was there was more than enough. Dream Heart was forgiven for her previous actions. She now held the key to fixing everything, and I wasn’t about to let that go.

“Can we go back in?” I asked the hunched doctor. “Ah want ta know what he had to say!”

I was already on my way back to the couch. One good nap and maybe every answer we ever needed could be given! Dream Heart, however, was not quite so eager to get back to it. Her head shook before I could reach the pillow again.

“I understand your eagerness, Gabriel, but I cannot. Dreamwalking is already a taxing spell to use, but to be thrown out of a dream like that… “ She let out another burp, a different yet completely understandable way to end that sentence. “… I need time to recover, then we may try again.”

Her simple refusal deflated any sense of excitement I had in the immediate moment. He was there, right there, inside of my-… his-… this head, but I couldn’t reach him, not today. “How long?”

“I need at least a full day to recover from this, however, I have something personal I must attend to two days from now. I’m afraid our next session will have to wait at least three days.”

With that, any excitement I had left fell into the deepest pits below. Three days of absolutely no progress. No interacting with Big Mac or finding a way to fix this. An anger at the bottom of my stomach threatened to erupt. To lash out at this mere tease of progress. How could we be this close to him, and yet unable to get any farther?!

My sensible side understood that this was outside of Dream Heart’s control, and letting irrational anger fester over it would do nothing to help that. She was clearly sick after the experience we had just shared. I wasn’t exactly magically inclined, and it wasn’t my place to guess what the effects of trying to explore a dream would feel like to her. Not to mention that these ponies had lives outside of dealing with me. I can’t expect her to be at my beck and call anytime I want.

This small, but amazing, progress would have to be enough. Big Mac was here, I would take that reassurance and hold it tight until next I have a session with Dream Heart.

“Can ah get you anythin’, doc? Some water?”

“Water would be lovely, thank you.”

The next day brought with it a staple of Big Macintosh’s daily life. Tons and tons of work to do. The morning was bright and blue in a way that only Equestria seemed to be able to form. A pastel brilliance that was both exciting and calming to watch. The sunrise was a particular interesting part of the day to watch. Given that it was controlled by the ruler of Equestria, the sun didn’t always move naturally. Instead of a gradual motion around the planet, the sun would rise and fall from the horizon at a much faster pace than it would throughout the rest of the day.

A normal day in the Apple family required one to be up before sunrise. The sleeping routine wasn’t too far off from what I was used to, and I had always been a morning person. That meant that every morning had the unusual moment where the sun shot up from the horizon and greeted Ponyville. The twilight quickly comes to a sudden but beautiful end, and the ponies of Equestria are given the announcement that today has officially begun.

It was unusual for me, as someone who’s always lived with a sun that was on automatic instead of manual. Big Mac, however, was fond of the way Princess Celestia welcomed the morning, and would often sit out to witness it when he needed a calming pick me up.

Today, I understood why he felt that way about the rising sun. On a whim I decided to step outside of the farm house and walk up to Big Macintosh’s favorite hillside spot. There I laid in the dew dropped grass and waited for the blue and purple glow to give rise to the day. In a way, I could almost see the image of the Princess raising her hoof to guide the sun into its morning position as I watched the sunrise.

The warmth of the sun coated me like a warm blanket, and for a few moments, I allowed myself to feel comfortable with where I was, and who I had become. It was not a voluntary decision, I didn’t flick a switch inside my head and suddenly decide “everything is okay!”. Rather, it was an unconscious side effect of a very different feeling I had that morning.

Do you feel it, Mac? It feels good, doesn’t it? If he was inside of this head, then he could probably hear me. So why not talk to him a bit. Don’t forget how important moments like these are to you, Big Mac. You’ll have them back before you know it.

There wasn’t any answer given to my question. I didn’t expect one to magically appear in my thoughts. If he didn’t ever answer before he wasn't going to start now, but I knew he was there. You wouldn’t stop talking to a coma patient just because they didn’t answer. He was there, he was alive. That’s what mattered.

Feeling the edges of my lips curve into a smile had to be the oddest thing I’ve felt so far. I wasn’t some grump who never smiled when I was still human. Smiling was a pretty regular thing for me, but since becoming Big Mac I rarely felt it come naturally. However, in this small moment by myself and with Big Mac in our shared head, I felt comfortable enough to smile.

When the last of the sunrise finished, and I had my fill of its warmth, I headed back to the house to eat breakfast with the Apple family. An occasion that hardly needed to be mentioned in detail. Apple Bloom and Applejack led most of the conversation during the meal, talking about the ongoings of the day. Granny Smith would direct us towards whatever other tasks that needed doing, and I would occasionally say eeyup. All in all, a very regular and uneventful morning.

My sudden change of mood was not unnoticed, however. I caught the looks of each of the ladies at the table when they saw me smiling so easily. The one look I got from Apple Bloom when she noticed was as if she was looking at a completely different person. Was Big Macintosh smiling really that odd to see? Surely not, he smiled just like m-… like any other person.

Even so, I found myself stopped by Applejack as we all went off to our respective tasks. Apple Bloom went off to school, while Granny Smith and Applejack were going into Ponyville to meet with Filthy Rich. To discuss new arrangements for their ongoing business relationship. A Filthy Rich business discussion apparently included brunch and dinner as part of the package deal. So the two of them wouldn’t be back at the farm until night time. I would have expected Applejack to get right to it with Granny, but instead, she stopped at the barn to see me.

“Hey, Gabe,” Applejack began, and I appreciated that she was still using my name. “Did somethin’ happen yesterday? Yer lookin mighty chipper compared to how ya have been.”

“Eeyup” The confirmation came so naturally to me. Something did happen yesterday, and for once, it was a good thing! Applejack was well versed in the language of eeyups, and could tell the deeper meaning behind my simple answer.

“Did you and Dream Heart have some sorta breakthrough?” She asked, stepping forward with renewed interest. I nodded my head to reward her eager question.

“We found him.”

“You what?”

“We found Big Mac.”

Applejack looked like she wanted to be excited for this news, and she certainly was, but a question still lingered. One that required answering before she could share in his joy. “You did?! Where is he?”

I brought a hoof up to Big Mac’s thick skull and tapped lightly against it. I thought that would be more than enough of an explanation, but apparently Applejack didn’t agree. If her confused expression was anything to go off of.

“…Care to run that by me again, sugarcube?”

“Dr. Dream and ah had a dreamin’ session. She has a unicorn spell that lets her go inside mah dreams. She spoke to Mac inside there. He was right here the whole time.”

Clearly, what I just tried to explain wasn’t exactly settling in for Applejack. Her brain tried to compute the information, failed to compile, and tried again and again. Eventually, she gave up on trying to understand the specifics of it. “So, did ya learn what happened to ‘im? Why mah brother’s… stuck in there and you’re out here?”

“Nnnope…” This time, I knew the Big Mac patented form of communication wouldn’t be enough of an answer. “Not yet, Dream and ah got another session scheduled to find out more. In two days.”

“Aah… Well alright!” Applejack smiled and reached up to me. A hoof landing on my shoulder. “That’s good ta hear. Ah knew that Dr. Dream would help. Sounds like everythin'll be back to normal soon.”

“Eeyup!”

“Do ya know what yer gonna do after Big Mac’s back, Gabe? Ah don’t exactly know how this is all gonna work.”

I didn’t, and I didn’t quite know how to respond to her sudden question. Surely she should be happy knowing that Big Mac was alive. Why was she so concerned about the intruder?

“Applejack! Where are ye? We got places ta be!”

“Over here Granny!” Applejack called back to Granny Smith at the farm house. You never knew how long it would take for Granny to be ready to go out, but she definitely made it loud and clear when she was ready. “Ah gotta get goin’, you goin’ to be alright with all the farm chores today?”

The question was avoided, and I couldn’t be anymore thankful for it. “Eeyup,” I replied to her.

“Are ya sure? You can leave anythin’ you aren’t sure about fer me to do when ah get back. Except the animal feedin’, that has ta get done. Oh and-“

“Ah promise that ah got it handled, Applejack. Have ah failed to get a job done yet?”

Her brow furrowed. “…Ah guess not, sorry for assuming somethin’ like that, Gabe. Ah’ll see you tonight okay?”

“Eeyup.”

Applejack gave one last look in my direction before she was off with Granny to Ponyville. The gaze in which she gave me in that short moment was one I couldn’t quite comprehend. There was a joy in it, a warming comfort that I could clearly feel. However there was an undertone of something else. Something unsure, something I didn’t understand. Was Applejack happy, or was she uncertain?

There would be no time to ponder that thought. I had a long list of farm chores to do and I was already behind on them. Applejack’s expression was put away from my thoughts, and my favorite part of the day could begin. Work!

As the only person currently present at Sweet Apple Acres, all of the daily chores required to upkeep a farm as large as theirs fell squarely on my shoulders. This wasn’t an unusual thing for Big Macintosh to have to handle. There were plenty of times where he would be the only one able to handle the workload the farm required. If anything, it was his great pride to take on the task alone.

A task that I was happy to fill in for. The past few days have been primarily focused on feelings and emotions and stressful thoughts, even if it ended on the high note of finding Big Mac. A nice day of hard work to focus the mind was something I sorely needed before diving back into complicated mind business with that psychiatrist.

Thankfully, tending to the chickens was first on my list, and feeding them gave me plenty of time to not think about how I felt about that mare. Even though it was Dream Heart who found Big Macintosh, there’s still a part of me that feels… uncomfortable now. The poking and prodding she did to me about things I would prefer not to bring up was beginning to strain, and the way she aggressed onto me to confess my greatest guilt was not something I had forgotten. I wanted her to focus on Big Mac, and yet all she could do was bore her way into me.

But I wasn’t thinking about Dream Heart. I definitely wasn’t, I was feeding the chickens and collecting the eggs that they laid. No more thoughts could be spared to think about that conflicting psychiatrist while doing that. None at all…

Tending to the cows were next, and thankfully, the cows could keep up a conversation that actually blocked any new thoughts from forming inside of my head. The cows of Sweet Apple Acres were not permanent residents but rather visitors from the herd. They would get the care, shelter and maintenance they needed from the Apple Family during their stay, and in return they would give them milk as payment. It was an agreeable arrangement between them, and a very common deal for farmers and cow herds to agree upon.

Not that it made the idea of milking a cow who was having a casual conversation with a midwestern accent during it any less weird. A few would give advice to me on how best to milk them, while others would talk about their day. Not even the Big Mac part of this body could make up for how unusual this experience felt. I guess if the cows didn’t find it weird, I shouldn’t either. In the end, I had gathered all the milk necessary, and they were all fed and groomed. My mind had been free of intrusive thoughts during it all, but I was eager to move on to something else.

After the rest of the animals had been tended to. There was apple bucking to do, and the mere thought of apple bucking made Big Mac’s body pump with excitement. If there was a favorite job to do for the Apple family, it was slamming their back hooves into trees and knocking all of the apples out of it. I can honestly understand why. What isn’t fun about hitting things and being rewarded for it? The best parts of working on a car were when we got to tear things out of them.

It wasn’t harvesting season, but the Sweet Apple Acres orchard always had some trees grow ripe apples at different times of the year. It helped keep the stock of apples up year round. I’ve come to understand that this particular quirk is because of a magic power native to earth ponies. Since the Apple family are all earth ponies, all of the farm work they do helps to create better growths and more frequent harvests. Though Big Mac’s memories don’t go into the specific details of how this magic works. His understanding of his own powers is simply “farm work is better when done by me”… A cocky, but true statement.

Trees scattered across the orchard had apples that needed to be bucked. So it was my job to buck them. I got myself hitched to a cart and headed off to begin harvesting. Since the trees that grew fruit out of season were nearly random, I had to go out and search for them. This meant a lot of time walking, and a lot more time looking… Definitely no thinking.

Why did Applejack look like that? I figured good news like finding her brother would make her overjoyed! If things work out for the best, she will have Big Mac back in her life again soon. No longer would Applejack have to deal with me. There would be no more lying, or hiding the truth from the family. Everything would be back to normal.

Yet all she did was ask about me! What is with that now?! Applejack shouldn’t care about stuff like what I will be doing. Out of anybody, she knew that I wasn’t supposed to be here. She should be the one who wants to see her brother come back the most. So why wasn’t she focused on that instead of me?

Why do these ponies want to know what will become of me?

No matter how many trees I bucked, and apples I picked up, nothing could stop the thoughts from creeping in. My tried and true method of hard work was failing to let me clear my mind. Had the events with Dream Heart really left me unable to put it out of my head? Was Applejack’s view of me really something I couldn’t stop thinking about?

Before I knew it, the smile that had held on my face for most of the day had fallen off again. Back to the usual frown I was, and I was disappointed in myself for that. If anyone should be anything, it should be me feeling happy! The one day where I afforded myself time to feel comfortable as Big Mac and all I could do was sully it. I was happy, I knew that for a fact! So why couldn’t I forget about the nonsense and just enjoy the work?

My frustrating consciousness led me to the next tree I had to buck. A routine I had started without ever needing to focus on it. The cart was unhitched from my harness, the bushels were laid out underneath the apples, and I readied myself for the kick. Thanks to Big Mac’s considerable strength, he could shake out an entire tree’s worth of apples with just one hoof. However, I wanted to vent my negative feelings a little bit.

I dug my forelegs into the dirt beneath me, and kicked out my back legs towards the vulnerable tree trunk. A loud thwack! echoed through the orchard, and a noticeable dent in the wood was left where my hooves connected. Any harder and the trunk would have snapped in two. The branches high above were violently shaken from the impact, and apples fell from the ends like raindrops. Perfectly landing into the laid out bushels.

“Wooaaah!” A mare’s voice cried out in the middle of that apple rain, and a cyan blur fell from the branches above. Crashing into a bushel and scattering the apples inside. I turned around from the bucking to see a rainbow maned pegasus stuck in a bushel, stars dancing atop her head.

“Uuugh… What gives, man?!” She cried out as soon as the stars stopped dancing. “I was just napping there! You didn’t have to kick it that hard!”

The mare glared up at me, and I couldn’t help but blink. Was she in the tree the entire time? What was my luck that she would be napping in the tree I decided to buck the hardest? The chances of hitting the one tree she slept in were slimmer than a knife’s edge, but I still found a way to cut myself on it.

“Sorry, Rainbow Dash.” I bowed my head towards her. Given that this was entirely my fault, I approached to try and help her out of the bushel. The assistance I offered was quickly refused by Rainbow Dash. The cyan and rainbow maned pegasus climbing out herself after some considerable effort. When her own four hooves were back on the ground, she shook herself off and glared at me again.

As Applejack’s friend and one of the lead flyers for the Ponyville Weather Team, Rainbow Dash was a common feature that appeared here in Sweet Apple Acres. Anytime we- I mean, the Apple family needed to make specific requests for rainfalls or dry days, Rainbow was our mare to call. Though she was more often than not found hiding in one of the farm’s hundreds of apple trees, napping the day away in between her stunt practice and mandatory weather service. Including today before I unceremoniously awoke her with a six foot drop.

What was Big Mac’s relationship with Rainbow Dash, however? I didn’t know, and that was with all of his memories. The two of them interacted… but Rainbow wasn’t quite as receptive to the Big Mac Patented form of communication. They weren’t on bad terms, but it was hard to say they were on any terms at all. Rainbow was Applejack’s friend, Big Mac was Applejack’s brother, and that’s about as far as their relationship went.

When Rainbow decided to finally stop glaring at me, I thought that would be where we would say our goodbyes and get on with our individual lives. We didn’t have anything to talk about, and I already apologized. The apples had to be picked up anyways, so I got to work filling the spilled bushel with the scattered apples. Once all of the apples were back in the bushels, and all of the bushels were back in the cart, I turned to see that Rainbow Dash was still there, still staring at me.

“…Is there anythin’ ah can do fer ya, Rainbow?”

“What’s your deal, man?” She asked, hovering in the air and crossing her hooves.

There wasn’t a sentence that came to mind as a response to that bizarre question, and simple eeyup or nnnope answer wouldn’t fit. So I cocked my head at Rainbow Dash. Hoping my confused expression would be enough for her to continue off of.

“Every time I see you nowadays, you look grumpier than Rarity when a piece of dirt touches her hoof. What’s gotten into you lately?”

Rainbow leaned in towards me, eyes narrowed towards my downtrodden gaze. What did she mean by “lately”? This is the first time I have seen her. There’s no way she could be talking about me personally…

No, she was talking about Big Macintosh, not me. Applejack and Big Mac were fighting before I came into the picture. Someone as close to Applejack as Rainbow would have heard about it, and there were moments of interaction between Big Mac and Rainbow during that time.

“Ah’m… ah just have a lot on my mind, is all,” I replied. The easiest way to respond to that type of question without actually telling them anything.

“Well the stuff on your mind, Mac, is causing Applejack a lot of trouble!” She said with a huff, her hoof pointed accusingly at my chest.

“We ain’t fightin’ no more. We pinkie promised on it.”

“I’m not talking about that! I’m talking about what Applejack told me yesterday.”

…Huh? Rainbow Dash backed away and landed back on the ground. Not that she was at all phased by our height difference. “Whad’ya mean?” I asked.

“I mean how you’re all depressed and stuff, dude. Applejack told me all about it.”

“…What exactly did she say?”

“How you’ve been avoiding everypony, how you’re so mopey and dull all the time now, or how you don’t seem to care about yourself anymore. All that emotional stuff, oh and you bucking me out of a tree! All of it’s bringing Applejack down.”

Rainbow Dash craned her neck to come snout to snout with me. Glaring up at my naturally confused expression. “I don’t know what’s going on with you, Mac, but I don’t like it when my friends are being brought down by somepony. What’s. Your. Deal?”

It was made quite clear to me that Rainbow Dash wasn’t about to back down until I gave a proper answer to her question. She may be a lazy pony, but Rainbow didn’t stop for nothing when it came to her friends. Even if it came out… irrationally? No, there was a reason behind it.

What she just said wasn’t at all about Big Macintosh. It was about me. Why would Applejack talk to Rainbow Dash about me? More importantly, why would she care? She knows I’m an intruder, an outsider who took her brother’s body away from him. Why does she care about me? It should bother her that I am here to begin with. Did everything with these ponies have to be so complicated?… Or was it not complicated at all?

“Ah just…” I sighed, “Look, Rainbow, ah’m strugglin’ with things ah don’t want to Applejack or anypony else to have ta worry about. She knows more than most, ah don’t want her to deal with anymore than that.”

“Look, Mac, I don’t really care what you got going on, but if you’re gonna let Applejack know what’s up, then you have to let her know everything!” Rainbow Dash finally backed off, but the glare didn’t go away. “You’re her brother, for Celestia’s sake! You know she can’t take secrets!”

It was unfortunate how right she was, and how much I underestimated just how important that first decision I made was. Letting Applejack into the secret was what led to this. Which meant that I had to make it right.

“Ah’ll fix it, ah promise.”

“You better!” She said with a huff, and rose back into the air.

“That ain’t yer apple.”

Rainbow Dash then dropped the apple she had hidden behind her, and dashed off towards Ponyville. A colorful trail of an obvious variety followed her.

“Sorry fer buckin’ ya.” I said to the air that once was occupied by a pegasus. The rest of the afternoon promised more work, but I already knew it wouldn’t hold back the thoughts today.

How do we fix this one, Mac? I pondered, and continued on with bucking.

Dinner was quiet without Applejack and Granny Smith. Apple Bloom looked unsure of what to talk about over our apple themed dinner. The entire meal went by without anything of note. Which meant I could get back to work right afterward. The Farm’s books had to be updated, and all the new expenses from the Apple family reunion added much to my calculations tonight.

As the sky began to tint orange, and the eventual drop of the sun below the horizon would come, Applejack stopped by the dining table where I worked. Granny Smith walking by behind her. “Hey Ga-… Mac, I got some numbers ah need added to the books, from the business with Filthy, could ah give em to you?”

“Eeyup.” She called me Mac, but with Granny heading up the staircase nearby, I understood why she did. There was no need to correct her. That simple act of lying came so unnaturally to her, I could feel the discomfort oozing off of her just from having to say that. It reminded me of what Rainbow Dash said, and made me feel just as bad for it.

“Thank ya Ma-…” Applejack looked off towards the staircase, where Granny had just disappeared from to her room. A sigh of relief escaped her lips. “Thank ya, Gabe. Was everythin’ alright on the farm?”

“Eeyup.”

Her brow slightly raised, and I could see that expression from this morning begin to etch onto her face again. “…Nothin’ at all?”

“Eeyup..”

“…Alright, ah’ll see ya in the mornin’ then.” She left the papers I needed on the table, and promptly moved towards the staircase. Ears pressed against her head underneath the stetson.

I didn’t want to do this, but I knew what it was that was bothering her, and I knew that it was bothering me that it was bothering her. My one moment of happiness here was shot down below the horizon just as quickly as Celestia’s sun did, and I didn’t want it to be the last one.

“Actually,” I spoke up before Applejack could leave my field of view. Her ears perked up immediately at Big Mac’s voice calling to her. “There is somethin’ I wanna talk to you about.”

Applejack’s head swiveled back. Her eyes became as wide as dinner plates, pointed in my direction. She hurried her way back towards the table, and took a seat next to me. Patiently waiting for what I had to say… I was not expecting her to be this eager.

“…Well, Uh, Ah feel like ah’m hurtin’ yer feelings in some way, and ah wanna… Ah wanna fix that, since ah don’t wanna be hurtin’ you while ah’m here.”

“Hurtin’ me? No, yer not hurtin’ me at all. Ah mean, it’s takin’ me a minute to get used to… all this, but it ain’t bringin’ me any pain right now. What made ya think that?”

“Rainbow mentioned talkin’ to ya about me.”

“…Oh.” Applejack groaned, “That darned mare needs ta learn that she doesn’t need to stick her nose in every time ah vent a little. Ah’m sorry, Gabe. It ain’t nothin’ like that.”

“Then what is it like, Applejack?”

She studied me after I asked her my question. Applejack’s brow furrowed and I could see her try to form a sentence multiple times, only for the words to fail her when they reached her lips. Instead, she gave up trying to sugarcoat whatever she was about to say.

“Look, sugarcube, ah know that we don’t… Well, we don’t really know each other very much, but yer still somepony, and sometimes you act like you ain’t somepony, and that worries me, Gabe.”

I cocked my head, and just like Rainbow Dash, Applejack took that as a queue to continue on. “Despite our fightin’ before, you’ve been mighty respectful of the spot yer in. There hasn’t been a minute where ya haven’t reminded me that yer gonna bring mah brother back, and ah appreciate that… but ya don’t seem to care about yerself at all in the process of all this. Ah don’t want somepony who’s doin’ everythin’ they can to fix a messy situation to forget that they’re a pony too.”

“But why?”

“Because-“ Applejack blinked and gave me an incredulous look. “Whaddaya mean, why?”

Now that she finally asked, I was more than happy to answer and get this off my chest. “Ah’m not Big Mac, ah’m Gabriel. A stranger, a nobody. A trespasser in yours and yer family’s life. Hell, ah stole your brother’s body! Why do ya care so much about what’ll happen ta me? About what’s goin’ on with me? Ah shouldn’t matter to ya. So why do ah matter?”

It was my hope that saying this would make something click inside of Applejack’s head. Like she would suddenly realize, “Oh, he doesn’t matter! Why am I worrying so much about it, silly me!” It made so much sense to me, but clearly, it didn’t make sense to Applejack.

Bonk.

“Ow.” I said when Applejack’s hoof connected with the top of my head.

“Ah don’t want to hear you say that ever again, ya hear me?”

The first thought that came to mind was the Pinkie Promise. Did a single act of physical violence count as breaking the promise? Was Pinkie about to knock down our door? I watched the door for a few moments, and when no pink menace appeared, I breathed a sigh of relief. We haven’t started fighting unless I fought back against her. A troubling idea to say the least.

“What did ah say that was wrong?” I asked.

“Everythin’ about that, Gabe!” Applejack let out snort. “This is what ah mean, ya don’t care at all about yerself. Of course ya matter! Yer not Big Mac, but that don’t mean you are some invader ah have ta hate. The very first idea ya had to fix this whole thing was gettin’ rid of you. Do you even understand how startlin’ that was to hear? Ah want my brother back too, but not at the cost of somepony else’s life!”

“…That wasn’t what ah meant when ah said that…”

“Then what did ya mean when ya asked her to destroy ya?”

“Ah…” Applejack narrowed her eyes at me, and I was once again reminded that secrets were not her favorite thing. If I really tried to hide it any longer, it would only make things worse over time. I had to tell her the truth, the truth that Dream Heart had forced out of me. Except that this time, it would be my own choice to speak it.

“…Applejack, do ya remember when ah didn’t want to talk about my family?”

She nodded. “Well… there was a reason fer that. I’ve lost my entire family, every single one of ‘em.”

Applejack’s face held an expression of abject horror as I detailed all of my family members. My parents who died when I was young, my grandma who passed away from natural causes, and my sister, the most recent and most felt loss for me. She seemed lost in what to say or do when I described it to her. The idea of having nobody in her family left was probably the thought that haunted her mind after what I had said. She tried to ask me if I had any extended family, and she looked even more horrified when I told her no. Despite my similarities to Big Mac, my family was nothing like the expansive Apple family.

“When ah came here, Applejack, and ah remembered everything Big Mac felt about his family… It hurt a lot, because ah want what he has here. What you have with him, that love and security. Hell, there are times where interactin’ with you and Apple Bloom remind me of Daniella… and ah just can’t let myself indulge in that. Ah’m not yer family, and it’s wrong o’ me to use you to cope over what ah’ve lost. Ah want to be gotten rid of so ah don’t start gettin’ selfish, and wantin’ all this for myself. Ah don’t really know what that would entail… but it’d be better than takin’ somethin’ away from you and yer family.”

The source of everything I have done was now laid out in front of Applejack. Why I had to make it so clear that I wasn’t Big Macintosh. Why I avoided interaction outside of what was necessary… Why it was hard for me to find anything for myself in this world. I didn’t deserve this, and I would never want to take away somepony else’s life to get exactly what I wanted.

…Did I just say somepony?

The thought was lost to me when a pair of orange forelegs wrapped around my barrel and squeezed tight. I looked down to see Applejack’s blonde mane taking up a majority of my vision, her stetson fallen on the ground behind her. She had just rushed up to me and brought me into a tight embrace. I could feel myself tense up against her warmth, and the feeling of cool tears landing atop my shoulder from where her head rested.

Images of Daniella raced through my mind, of bad days where she needed someone to hug. Instincts from years of being a parental big brother acted, and made me wrap my hooves around Applejack in return. Rubbing her back gently and making sure she was secure in my returned embrace.

“Ah’m so sorry, Gabe. A-Ah never thought that you’d be dealin’ with somethin’ like that.” Applejack’s voice was shaky, and my heart nearly stopped when I thought about how she felt at that moment. She was probably imagining what it would be like if everypo- body in her life was gone. No guiding hand to teach her like Granny Smith, or no loving little sister to watch over like Apple Bloom.

Then there was the extended family, imagining that there was nobody else in the world who she could reach out to and receive unconditional love from? It must have been unimaginable for her. Even if it was my former reality.

“You ain’t got nothin’ to be sorry for, Jack,” I said softly, resting my head atop her own. The nickname came from instinct, not Big Mac this time.

“You know what happened with our parents, right? Ah can’t… ah can’t imagine that happenin’ with everypony. That’s just… that’s just too awful.”

“Eeyup, ah know, and it won’t happen. Ah won’t let it happen.”

“Gabe, that ain’t enough! Promise me you ain’t gonna get rid of yourself when this is all over. Ya don’t deserve to beat yourself up so badly over this. If anypony deserves to be happy, it’s you.”

“Ah…”

“Promise me!”

Those instincts were strong, and with such a distraught little sister gripped tightly onto me, I couldn’t fight back against them. All I wanted at that moment was to make her feel better, to reassure her that it would be okay. Whatever I had to do to make that happen would be done. No questions asked.

“Ah promise.”

“Good!”

Her embrace didn’t end when I made the promise. If anything, she squeezed even tighter than before. Ponies were a more affectionate species than humans, and this type of thing was more common here than it was before. Not that it made those affectionate feelings any less weird for me. I wanted to squash any feelings of affection I had in this world, and yet here I was embracing them.

The worst, or perhaps best part was how I felt that smile come back to me as I held her tight. It was in that very moment that the sun fell beneath the horizon, and night began in Equestria. Now under the silver moonlight that creeped in from the windows, I felt warmer now than I had felt throughout the entire day.

It was truly everything I’ve ever wanted.

Author's Notes:

After this chapter, I hope to hear the reader’s thoughts on the overall pacing of the story so far. Especially after reading what is now the longest chapter yet, and 40k words in. Do you feel that the story is going too slowly or too quickly? Are we getting from each story and character beat in a natural way? Is there anything about it that you think I could improve overall?

I would love to hear your thoughts! All of your comments on this story have been a huge factor in my continued progress in writing it, and I love to read all the different theories and ideas you guys have presented. Thank you for taking the time to comment, it does mean a lot.

Thank you as well for reading this far, I hope you have enjoyed, and I hope that I Am Not Big Mac continues to be a fun read for you all as I begin writing the next chunk of the story.

8 - Big Brother

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“Ah need yer help, Big Bro!” Apple Bloom cried out to me in front of the house. The little filly just returned from school today and came to me in a panic. I was just finishing up the last of the hay bales that needed to be done when she ran up to me. It was difficult to make sure none of the hay that stuck to my fur fell onto Apple Bloom’s pretty bow and mane.

My raised brow did much of the communication for me. Quickly conveying ‘What are you talking about?’ without a single word being uttered. Apple Bloom saw that brow and squirmed.

“Twist and her mom are doin’ decoratin’ work with Rarity for the Summer Sun Festival, and ah wanna help out! But Twist’s mom said that ah needed to have an adult come with, cuz they can’t watch fer me the entire time. Could ya come with, Macky?”

“Well that’s mighty nice o’ ya, Apple Bloom. Why don’t you ask Applejack? Ah got firewood to chop for the family comin’ soon.”

It was my expectation that Big Mac’s youngest sister would nod and run off to find Applejack. There was still a lot to prepare before the arrival of the Apple family, and even though I didn’t plan on being here when they arrived, I wasn’t about to shirk the responsibilities. That meant another busy day, and no time to help out Apple Bloom.

Or so I thought.

“That sounds like a great idea, Apple Bloom!” Applejack called out as she approached the two of us. Her smile was suspicious, very suspicious.

“Don’t ya think so, Applejack?” Apple Bloom said, and her smile became very similar to her older sister’s. There was something going on here…

“It’s too bad my big brother is too busy to go wit’ me today.” Apple Bloom whined. What are you doing-…?

“Oh now ain’t that too bad! Ah bet yer big brother would love to help out… You know what, Apple Bloom?”

Applejack gave Apple Bloom a knowing look. Whatever this was, it was rehearsed, prepared, planned and practiced before I even entered the picture. Applejack was already a terrible actor, and this was turning into the worst stage play I’ve ever seen.

“Why don’t ah take care of big brother’s work today?” Applejack said in her oscar worthy performance. If the Oscars had a worst performer award.

Don’t you dare, Applejack. “Ah got a lot to do to-“

“Uh huh, Uh Huh, lots of wood choppin’ and haulin’ to do today. Ah know. Don’t worry, Apple Bloom, yer big sister’ll take care of all that.”

“Oh really?” Apple Bloom feigned excitement, it was at least a better performance than Applejack’s. “Thank you so much, Bis Sis! Ah can’t wait to spend some quality time with my big bro!”

No. No. No, No, No. This wasn’t happening right in front of me. I wasn’t about to be coerced into a family hangout by the very pony I just confessed my deepest fears to. This was not happening before my very eyes. It took everything in my power to hold back a vicious glare towards Applejack. Surely she wouldn’t try to hurt me like this after last night.

I refused to look at Apple Bloom during this. One look at her direction would seal my fate. A staredown with Applejack was the only thing I could do. A faceoff until she finally gave up on this charade. She may have been a bad liar, but she was stubborn. So stubborn in fact, that Applejack wasn’t about to back down a single inch.

“Do ya not want ta come with me, Macky?”

A power that stood stronger than the winds of a hurricane whipped against my head and forced it down towards Apple Bloom. Everything else in the world fell to pieces underneath her big, beautiful orange eyes. An adorable beast that knew the power behind her sad expression had caught her prey, and wouldn’t release me until I gave in to her bewitching solicitation.

“… Nnnope, sugarcube, ah do. Ah’ll go with ya.”

The little filly squealed and jumped up and down. Her sadness immediately overtaken by pure, unfiltered joy. The corner of my vision caught the grin that Applejack wore now as well. A genuine smile unlike the performing one she had before. She was happy about this. Some choice words went through my head, but I dare not share them.

“Before we do anythin’, ah gotta talk to Applejack a minute. Could ya wait fer me inside?”

“Okay!” Apple Bloom said excitedly, and dashed off into the farm house. Immediately, my sights were set on that stetson wearing evil standing nearby. Who held that self same grin with such unashamed confidence.

“What in Celestia’s name was that?” I said at the lowest tone Big Mac and I’s voice could reach. It did not phase her. She continued to smile as she approached me.

“Hey, ya said Celestia instead o’ god. Startin’ to sound more pony by the day.” Applejack jested, it only made me angrier. Before I could begin to bite her head off for this, she leaned in close to whisper in my ear.

“She’s watchin’ from the window. Talk in the barn.”

A large pink bow stuck out from the window closest to them. The perfectly hidden filly just barely peeked her eyes above the window frame. The moment my eyes glanced in her direction, she ducked below the frame. Apple Bloom’s bow still stood up from it.

Nods were shared and we walked side by side into the barn. She closed the door behind us, and we waited to see if a big pink bow would pop out from anywhere. After a minute of finding zero bows in the vicinity, it was time to get to the bottom of this.

“Why did ya do that, Applejack?” Now I could properly glare at her, but it was short lived after I heard her response.

“She overheard us, Gabe,” Applejack said sternly, “Last night, durin’ our lil talk.”

Immediately, my face made the shape of an O. Eyes wide, mouth rounded, and anger evaporated. Apple Bloom overheard that conversation?! “How much of it?” I asked her.

“Bits an’ pieces. When it got loud at the end. Namely… when we were talkin’ about the whole ‘Gettin Rid’ business.”

My O became a long and worried Oooooooo… If there was anyone in this house I didn’t want to learn about this, it was Apple Bloom. I didn’t want Granny to know, but I’d at least believe that she wouldn’t tell every single pony in town about it. Apple Bloom however? The entire schoolyard would know tomorrow, and then every parent. Big Macintosh would never be looked at in the same way again.

“Ah know what yer thinkin’, Gabe, and it ain’t nearly as bad as yer makin’ out to be in that head of yours. Apple Bloom didn’t hear everythin’, and by Celestia’s mercy she didn’t hear yer name. What she did hear… well it made her scared that her big brother was leavin’ us.”

That hurt just as much as the other thought. “And that’s why ya did that?”

“Yup. She wants ta spend some time with her big brother and make sure he’s okay, since he hasn’t been very talkative lately. Apple Bloom made me do that whole scheme to rope ya into it,” Applejack said. The brow above my eye raised so incredibly high. Was there a time when Big Mac was talkative recently?

“But ah’m not her brother. Ah can’t be doin’ that.”

“Well you look like ‘im, talk like ‘im, and know all the same things Mac does. It’s either some quality time with her or she’s gonna get even more worried. She already thinks yer about to leave town.”

“Nnnope, that ain’t what ah mean, Applejack ah-“

“Don’t. Ah know what you meant. Look, we don’t gotta overthink this none. All ya gotta do is spend a day with Apple Bloom, and if ya do that she won’t worry about what she heard. She ain’t some detective tryin’ to figure out yer secrets, just an anxious lil’ filly like we once were, and you enjoyin’ a day with her with mah permission ain’t gonna steal nothin’ away from Mac. Understand?”

Applejack added “with my permission” very specifically. She knew my next argument would be that I was technically a stranger, and they shouldn’t leave strangers alone with children. That argument would have immediately been torn down when I remember that I had already walked Apple Bloom to school once, and been alone around her already. Giving permission to a “stranger”, with extra emphasis on the quotes, skipped that entirely.

I’ll never win with this mare, will I? She always has some sort of way to get the upper hoo-… hand. Even if I did get something on her, Applejack would be too stubborn to back down anyways. The worst part was that all the things she fought for were genuinely meant to help me. It really reminded me of…

Nevermind.

“Ahhhhlright.” I said with a huff.

That grin from before was on Applejack’s face again. Something told me at that moment that Apple Bloom overhearing us wasn’t the only reason that she went ahead with this trick. “Great ta hear it!” Applejack exclaimed, “Seriously, Gabe, don’t overthink it, and please, fer the love of all apples don’t beat yerself up if you have a good time with her.”

“Ah don’t hurt mahself.”

“Ya know what ah mean and ah’m not gonna take ya bein’ smart about it.”

Being a pony had one major advantage. Snorting had way more of an impact out of a pony’s snout. It had the ability to tell my entire feelings in one puff of hot air towards Applejack’s direction. Frustration, laughter, and defiance all in one shot from the nose. It was probably my favorite part of this whole body experience. Especially useful for a person who tries to talk as straightforwardly as possible.

In the end, even I couldn’t argue against this. It was just a day to reassure Apple Bloom that everything was okay with Big Macintosh. That was my goal, to make sure everybody believes Big Mac is alright. So that when he comes back he can live life normally. His family believing it was just as important. Dream Heart already scheduled another session for tomorrow, Big Mac was already found, a single day like this wouldn’t hurt.

“You’ll be okay, Gabe.” Applejack said, and as much as I stressed about it, I believed her.

Despite Apple Bloom’s excitement, she made no attempts to communicate with me on the way to Ponyville. Her expression would change from anxious side glances in my direction to bright smiles seemingly on a whim. There was a small idea in my head that thought to ask her about what she had heard specifically last night. An idea that I quickly popped and removed. It was better to do anything but that.

Soon, we were in Ponyville proper, and the town was in full swing for the Summer Sun Festival. Decorations of all sizes and types were strung up between thatch roof housing. Every light pole had a sun theme on its top, and the town hall at the center of town had a wide open stage for performances and events to be held before and after the raising of the sun. Most of that stage had yet to be completed.

A handful of ponies were currently tasked with building the rest of the stage and decorating it. Among the ponies was one mare who was overseeing all of the decorating, the resident fashionista and purveyor of the Carousel Boutique, Rarity. A white furred mare with a meticulously kept purple mane. She beat out anypony-… in Ponyville in the lengths she would go to keep up her beautiful appearance.

For a farmer like Mac, and a mechanic like me, she was about the exact opposite type of person I’m usually around.

“Hello Apple Bloom, and Big Macintosh! I’m so glad you could come help today.” Rarity smiled a set of brilliant white teeth in our direction as we approached. “Assuming that is what you are here for, yes?”

“Eeyup.”

“Mhm! We’re gonna go help Twist!” Apple Bloom exclaimed, and Rarity raised a brow.

“Oh? That is sweet of you, Apple Bloom! Peppermint Twist and her mother Shimmy Shake are part of the decorating team. You can join them over there.”

Rarity pointed off to the finished section of the stage, where a small filly with red curly hair and a large snout was waving towards us. Her mother just behind her, both working with a group of ponies on the decorations.

“If you’d like, Big Macintosh, you could help the construction team? A set of strong hooves like yours would be fantastic help for them, I’m sure.”

“Ah thought Apple Bloom needed supervisin’ from me ta help out here?” I asked Rarity. The filly at my side began to shuffle her hooves nervously.

“Supervising? Oh darling, you don’t have to worry about that! Shimmy Shake already informed me that she would help keep watch of her, Apple Bloom was supposed to mention that to her family.” Rarity looked towards Apple Bloom, waiting to find any confirmation from her. There was none to give.

“Is that right?” My eyes glanced down at Apple Bloom. The filly was whistling with her head firmly pointed away. A little white lie to go along with her trickery earlier. Just how much did she want me to come with her?

“Right it is, or was, I suppose. No matter, would you like to come with, Macintosh dear? I’ll bring us over to Hard Hat to help with the support.”

So it wasn’t necessary at all for me to stay near Apple Bloom for today, and I got the chance to do a physically demanding task? “Eeyup.”

I said it almost too eagerly, falling behind the smiling mare as she guided me towards the construction site. Decorating and aesthetics had never been a strong suit in my life. A fact that Rarity already knew quite clearly from Big Mac’s memories of their interactions. That made this process all the easier to get through after such a generous offer for more fitting work.

Wait, Rarity didn’t know about my personal tastes for work. She knew Big Mac’s… why did I relate to them so easily?

“Are you alright?” Rarity asked me as I shook my head violently behind her. Clear out the noise, focus. What mattered right now? There was work to do. Hard, physical labor that would keep me busy. Surely this type of back breaking work would keep the thoughts at bay this time, right? I definitely needed a distraction after… that.

“Eeyup, ah just…” My head turned to look back at where I came from. An instinct born from many years of looking after a small child. It was an unconscious movement to check where the creature known as a kid was, and if they were still safe while I had my head turned. For some reason, this instinct kicked in now, and turned to find Apple Bloom.

What I found was the saddest image I have ever seen in my life. A small filly, eyes filled with disappointment and concern, staring back at me. Apple Bloom’s ears were pressed so tightly against her head that they tucked into the edges of her mane. Dejectedly, she turned away from us, her hooves guiding her towards Twist and her mother. Head held low and tail dragging between her legs.

If Applejack would have seen what I had just done to Apple Bloom, she would have bucked me to Canterlot. Frankly, if I had seen what I had done to her, I would have bucked myself too. So self absorbed in my own thoughts, I completely ignored the one filly I was supposed to be with today. Focusing on nothing but my own needs at the moment.

Guilt drowned my body in discomfort, and regret pounded on the beating heart at my center. Unrelenting in its fury after watching that depressing scene. Rarity looked more concerned by the second, and glanced in the direction of Apple Bloom as well. She saw the same scene I did that broke my heart. It wasn’t hard to guess that it broke hers as well. That gorgeous mare then gave me the branch I so desperately needed.

“Darling, would you prefer to go with her instead?… We don’t have to-?”

“Eeyup.” The words came out, and my body moved towards Apple Bloom without any thought of my own to follow it. Rarity was left completely behind as I had one destination in mind. She smiled towards me in empathetic understanding. Not that I looked back to see it.

“Um, Apple Bloom, is everything alright?” Twist asked her friend as soon as she joined her. The filly did not raise her head to meet Twist’s gaze.

“Uh huh… what’re we doin’ then?” She asked, and was shown how to arrange and place the sun decorations onto the stage. With the energy of a wounded tiger, she worked on the first sun decoration. Apple Bloom placed the cardboard sunrays that encircled the sun, not that the sun and its rays did anything to brighten her mood. The first sun was completed, and placed upon the stage’s side with no fanfare to speak of.

That was until a shadow cloaked her decorative sun.

“Did ya do that, Apple Bloom? Looks good.”

Her head shot up to look at the source of the shadow and voice. Only to see her big brother smiling back down at her. “Could ya show me how ta do that?” I asked Apple Bloom. A gasp escaped her tiny lips.

“Yeah! All ya gotta do is take one o’ these, and put it like this!”

For all of her enthusiasm, Apple Bloom was terrible at directions. With Twist’s help, I eventually was able to make a crude looking sun. Having hooves twice as large as any other pony made it especially difficult, but it was completed in the end. When mine was finished, I placed my sun next to the first one Apple Bloom had made. She grinned to herself as I did so.

I had to be reminded that this day was for Apple Bloom, and she wanted to spend it with Big Mac. He unfortunately is unavailable because of me, and no matter my fears, it was my responsibility to fill in for him while he’s stuck inside of his own head. Sometimes, that meant fulfilling the role of big brother. A role I was quite familiar with, and if I was honest with myself? I loved every moment of it.

The guilt was there, but I tried not to indulge it.

“Thank you again for your help today, the decorations you put up were… splendid.”

Rarity lied straight to my face as she looked at the suns decorating the side of the stage. Namely the crudest ones in the mix. Those happened to be mine. I’m surprised Rarity didn’t throw them away at first sight. She was nice enough to let ponies put their personal touch on the outdoor festivities, but she certainly wasn’t going to let me or anybody else help her decorate the town hall.

Eventually, Apple Bloom and I got bored of suns, and both of us wanted to put in some harder labor. The two of us eventually found our way into helping the construction of the stage. There were very few ponies in town with the strength I had, and I found myself being far more useful here than I had decorating. Not that it mattered at all, Apple Bloom looked happy, that’s what mattered to me.

“I also thank you for assisting the construction team in the end as well, that was actually splendid.”

Laughter spilled out of me, how painfully blunt. “Eeyup.” I said between chuckles.

“Thank ya fer lettin’ us help out, Miss Rarity!” Apple Bloom exclaimed with a joyful bounce.

“Of course, dear! You were simply delightful to have here today.”

Rarity was a unicorn, just like Dream Heart, and that meant she was capable of using unicorn magic. Apparently, Rarity’s skills included an incredible amount of control over her telekinesis. Her horn glowed a light blue, and every pony in the gathered group of volunteers soon found themselves with a small paper bag hovering in front of them.

“A small treat for helping. Cupcakes from Sugarcube Corner! Do not ask me how she was able to, but Pinkie Pie made personalized cupcakes for everypony today. So please do enjoy it on your way home!”

Once again I was left baffled by the foresight, knowledge and determination of Pinkie Pie. Only she would find out who would be here today and bake a personal cupcake for each of them. To my surprise and delight, my cupcake was the same Apple Cinnamon Vanilla sweet that I taste tested for Pinkie before. Apple Bloom’s was the same.

“What kinda cupcake is this?” Apple Bloom asked, sniffing the cinnamon with furrowed brows.

“A good cupcake. Eat it, sugarcube. Ah know you’ll love it.”

She did, indeed, love it. Her cupcake was gone before I even took a bite out of mine. I could only chuckle while I inspected mine more closely. Unlike Apple Bloom’s, this one had a cookie topping on it. Frosting was laid on top of the cookie in red and orange coloring. An intricate design of Big Macintosh’s face, smiling wide, was what stared back at me from that cookie’s face.

Maybe this was her way of telling me she saw me smiling today, or maybe she knew about my better mood in general. She was probably watching us as I thought about it. So I decided not to think about it, and ate that delicious cupcake.

It was pretty good. Everything was good. Apple Bloom had enjoyed the day together, and I enjoyed spending it with a kid as cute as her.

After two delicious cupcakes and goodbyes were shared, Apple Bloom and I made our way back to the farm. The sky was tinted a burnt orange, Princess Celestia was preparing to drop the star below the horizon and raise the moon in its place. At least I imagined she was. It was beyond both myself and Big Macintosh’s mind to understand what went into moving a celestial body. There could be an entire ritual that has to be done to complete it, or maybe she just flicked her horn and it was over with.

That is what the Summer Sun Celebration was about, after all. Giving simple ponies such as myself the opportunity to see her do it first hoof. I suppose that if I am going to be here during the Celebration, I could attend and see it. That would be a fun thing to do.

…That would… Ponies such as myself? First hoof?? What is going on with me today? I was slipping into pony speak more often than before, and referring to myself as a pony? That wasn’t right at all, Big Mac is a pony, I’m not…

“Macky, yer doin it again.”

“Sorry.”

Apple Bloom had pointed out throughout the day how I would space out suddenly. My smile would drop to a scowl and stare off at some distant object, as if the thing I was looking at had offended me somehow. This time, it was a potted plant next to somepo- somebody’s house that had apparently caught my ire. Currently, Apple Bloom rested atop my back, legs splayed out, but she didn’t need to see me directly to know I was spacing out again.

It surprised me more that Apple Bloom didn’t try to ask me what was wrong, or why I was doing that. Surely a kid her age would have more questions to ask, Daniella certainly did. An incredible amount of restraint was being kept by Apple Bloom to stop herself from prodding at me….

Frankly, I wanted her to ask something at least. Some of my favorite memories were when Daniella would ask a silly question, and me being a teenager I had no idea how to answer half of them. Coming up with a fitting answer was almost too funny. Though, I don’t think the questions Apple Bloom may have would be quite as fun.

“Ya got somethin’ on yer mind?” I went ahead and asked her. Her hooves shuffled against my back after my question.

“…Yah. Ah don’t wanna be too nosey though.”

She was far too innocent for her own good, I swear. “Ya aren’t bein’ nosey, what do ya wanna ask?”

“Okay… um, Big Brother, are ya unhappy with yer family?”

Hooves came to a clean stop on the dirt road back to Sweet Apple Acres. My head swiveled to look at the filly on my back. The shock I felt from hearing those words was apparent on my face, and Apple Bloom’s ears fell back when she saw it.

“Apple Bloom, why would ya think that?”

“Ah just- Ah may have-… Uh.”

“Overheard somethin’ last night?”

“Eyup… Ah heard Applejack yellin’ and cryin’ about you wantin’ to get rid of yerself. That made me think that ya wanna leave..”

“Is that ah’ll ya heard?”

“…yeah.”

Years of intuition taught me that this little girl was clearly lying. “Apple Bloom.”

“It was all kinda muffled, ah couldn’t understand any o’ it!” She tried to argue against me, but my raised brow was enough to convince her that I wouldn’t keep going until she answered. “…Okay! Ah heard you said you weren’t our family!”

Immediately, Apple Bloom turned away from me. A nervous twitch in her ear gave away the anxious feelings she had welled up inside. My heart wanted to shatter into a million tiny pieces. This entire time, she had bottled up that burning feeling. She wanted to spend the day with me to make sure I wouldn’t disappear- that Big Mac wouldn’t.

Before I could say anything, Apple Bloom’s words began to fall out over themselves. “You were always s-so angry all the time and ya- ya never wanted ta spend time w-wit me. Ya aren’t as a-angry and ah had a lot of fun today!… B-But ya still look unhappy a-and ah thought that a-ah did somethin’ wrong-and you don’t wanna be mah big brother anymore…”

The part of my brain that I had been following for most of my stay in Equestria warned me to proceed cautiously. To be careful what you promise, and remember who you are. This isn’t your conversation to have, don’t take it away from Big Mac. Reassure her gently and leave it at that.

The rest of my brain said screw that.

Apple Bloom was picked up off of my back and I placed her on the ground in front of me. I laid down in the dirt so that I could be eye level with the little filly. Her eyes had tears at the edges, and she did everything she could to not look me in the eye. I knew that Applejack was hurt when I first told her I wasn’t her brother, but for a filly like Apple Bloom who had no idea what the context was? It was heartbreaking, there wasn’t any other way to describe it. The poor girl could only believe that a member of her family was about to disappear.

I knew how that felt, and I never want this little sister to ever feel that way ever again. None of this was my place to say, but it has to be said. I’ll apologize to Big Mac when he returns.

“Ah’m sorry, Apple Bloom. Fer everythin’. There ain’t a single thing that you did wrong… Ah’ve let my personal feelins get in the way of bein’ here fer you and for everypony. What ah want you to understand, sugarcube, is that ah will never leave you or anypony else. The farm is mah home, and you… yer my family. Nothin’ is more important and deservin’ of love than that.”

Her quiet sobs were interrupted. Sniffling, she looked me in the eyes. I saw the fear that was present in them, an anxious fear that fed her the worst ideas she could imagine anytime she thought about me. The worst case scenarios that fueled this worry she felt, and was lit like a beacon when she overheard pieces of what I had said.

“Yer gonna stay… and still be mah brother?”

“Ah can’t imagine livin’ a life where ah don’t have you in it. That is, if you’ll forgive me fer bein’ such a bad brother..”

Apple Bloom’s ears stood at immediate attention. “O’ course ah forgive ya!” She cried, and lunged forward into my hooves. Her forelegs wrapped around my neck and refused to let go, not even the might of Celestia could break her grip. “Yer the best big brother a girl could ask fer!”

I didn’t feel like I deserved that title, but the words warmed my heart all the same. For just today, I’ll indulge that wish, and let myself feel like her brother. It won’t be long now before Big Macintosh takes his rightful place, a little moment of happiness wouldn’t change that.

Right?

Dream Heart walked out of Ponyville’s local cafe with a single paper enveloped in her magic. The meeting she had scheduled a month prior had finally arrived, and it had gone incredibly well for her. A stallion of considerable medical background had come all the way from Trottingham to speak with her after a hoof full of exchanged letters. His purpose here in Ponyville was simple, to decide if Dream Heart was a perfect fit for the Trottingham General Hospital.

He decided she was, and the paper was her invitation.

“So that’s it? You’re in?” Redheart asked, the two mares were sitting in Dream’s living room. She came to visit as soon as she heard the meeting was finished. When they first started exchanging letters, Redheart wasn’t sure that Dream Heart would have been able to get a job at Trottingham Hospital. It was one of the premier medical institutions in Equestria, and only hired the best of the best in doctors and staff. Not that she doubted Dream Heart’s skills, just that her place in Ponyville hadn’t afforded her many opportunities to add to her resume.

“I’m in.” Dream Heart said with a wide smile. She had been working towards becoming part of a larger hospital for a long time now. To say she was ecstatic that her efforts to convince the Trottingham General Hospital of her worth paid off made her entire day would be an understatement. It was the highlight of the month, no, possibly the whole year.

Redheart wanted to share in that excitement, but she knew what this meant for them. “When do you start then?”

“Two weeks, but they will have the housing arrangements ready for me after the Summer Sun Celebration. I can leave for Trottingham as soon as it’s ready.”

“That’s great! I’m really happy for you, Dreamy.” It wasn’t hard for the doctor to pick up the thinly veiled feeling underneath that sentence. The beginning of the end for them.

“Red…”

“No, don’t. I know what you’re about to do, and I’m fine!” Redheart forced a smile on her face. “This is amazing for you, and don’t you dare think to reconsider it for me. I’d break up with you if you did that!”

Dream wanted to say something to reassure her, but they both already knew the truth of it. This was the end of their little relationship. Dream Heart couldn’t let this opportunity slip out of her grasp, and Redheart was happier as a nurse in Ponyville than she would be in a big city. Neither of them would be happy for long if they were forced to go with the other’s path in life.

Not every relationship was bound to last forever. “Thank you, Red.”

“You better, there won’t be a single mare in Trottingham who will be a better marefriend than I was!”

Dream chuckled. “I believe it. Can I take you to one last date during the Summer Sun Celebration?”

“I’d like that a lot.”

The two shared bittersweet smiles, and leaned against each other on the couch. Enjoying the moments they have left before Dream Heart inevitably departs. It would be the biggest mistake in her life if she didn’t go to Trottingham. There, a future at the top of the medical field awaited her. Before she could reach it, however, she had to learn how to say goodbye, and settle the matters she has here. One particular matter weighed on her mind.

What was she supposed to do with Gabriel?

9 - Where You Need to Be

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A lot of unexpected things have happened in Dream Heart’s office these past two weeks. The scene in front of her today is probably the most surprising. Both Gabriel and Applejack were standing in her dimmed office. The candlelight she prepared dancing off of their red and orange fur. Applejack’s eyes furrowed as she looked across the dark room, the laid out bed, and Dream Heart.

“Now ah’m not one ta judge what kinda therapy ya’ll are doin, but… Why does this room look like yer about to roll in the hay?”

It was hardly subtle how hard Gabriel was trying to hold his laughter back. Dream Heart would’ve been happy to see his mirth, if it wasn’t for the alleged activity that was being suspected of happening inside of her workplace.

“I can assure you, Applejack, that no inappropriate actions have taken place here inside of this office. Especially those of the… ‘roll in the hay’ variety.” Dream Heart calmly explained, not that it got rid of Applejack’s confusion. “I can tell you what this all is, but first, Gabriel, I was not aware that Big Macintosh’s sister would be attending today’s session?”

“Ah asked her to come,” Gabriel replied.

“We’re bein’ more honest wit’ each other about what’s goin’ all wit’ all this,” Applejack continued after, “So ah’m just here as an observer.”

“Eeyup.”

“I see. If you are alright with that, Gabriel, she may stay. Please, come have a seat.”

Gabriel sat on the couch turned bed, while Applejack sat in a chair next to Dream Heart. While this was entirely unexpected, it wasn’t unwelcome. Their relationship developing as much as it had could only be a good thing in Dream’s eyes. In fact, this was a fantastic opportunity to follow up on that particular thing.

“Gabriel, since Applejack is here, I would like to ask first before we start. Would you mind if we talked for a bit first?”

“Nnnope, go right ahead.”

“Perfect, I would first like to check up on one particular thing. How has your relationship with the Apple family been? We have discussed Applejack, and I see that your relationship with her has improved leaps and bounds from where you started. What about the rest of the family?”

Gabriel shifted some, and Dream Heart caught the slightest movement in Applejack’s ears next to her. As far as Dream knew, the other members of the Apple family did not know about Gabriel yet. He was adamant about letting as few ponies as possible know about his existence. As part of his ongoing plan to fill in for Big Macintosh until he was back in his own hooves. His feelings on that relationship, and whether or not that secret has stayed, was an important part of the talking process. If Gabriel was willing to speak on it.

“…They still don’t know, they think ah’m here fer headache problems.”

“So they see you as Big Macintosh still?”

“Eeyup.”

“And does this feel uncomfortable for you?”

“…” Gabriel looked away with a frown. Something was definitely bothering him. Applejack must have known what it was, because she was nervously shifting her gaze between the two of them. There was an elephant in the room and Dream Heart didn’t know what it looked like.

“Ah…” Gabriel sighed, “Ah can’t quite… explain it right. Ah told Applejack this mornin’, and… she got a better way o’ sayin it.”

Applejack looked at Gabriel, shocked. “Ya want me to explain yer feelins?!”

“Eeyup.”

“Are ya- Ya want-… Oh, honeycrisp…” Applejack sighed in defeat. Dream imagined that ‘honeycrisp’ was some Apple family curse word of some kind… She does enjoy a good honeycrisp.

“Urgh… Gabe told me this whole skadoodle this mornin’, and the way ah summed it up is that he’s gettin’ used to bein’ mah brother. Too used ta bein’ him that he sometimes forgets to differentiate the two.”

“Eeyup.”

Gabriel was downcast after the explanation, and Applejack looked the part of an unsure third wheel, unable to determine if she should continue talking or let the main two continue the conversation. Dream marked this new information down on her overfilled notepad, alongside every other interesting little tidbit she had learned from this particular client.

“How exactly does this happen for you, Gabriel? Can you give me an example?”

“When ah’m thinkin’ to myself, ah usually hear mah voice. The way ah normally talk, but then ah’ll suddenly start usin’ pony phrases, or referring to myself as a pony.”

“Wait, ya don’t talk like this normally, Gabe?” Applejack couldn’t help but cut in.

“Nnnope, ah used to talk like-…” Gabriel coughed and worked his throat. “…Like this, I didn’t have a thick accent like Big Mac. It’s… hard to keep talking like this while I’m in his body…”

cough

“…So ah just talk like he does, get’s the job done either way.”

“…Well that was the most terrifyin’ thing ah’ve ever heard come out my brother’s mouth… That just… ain’t right.”

The farm mare seemed physically shaken. The body of Big Mac talking like a standard city stallion. It probably reminded her more clearly that Big Macintosh wasn’t with her, and that was a reminder that hurt to her core… Or maybe it was just weird for her to see in general and Dream Heart was reading into it too much. Back on topic.

“I see, so you find yourself often acting as if you are a pony, and not a human. Is that right Gabriel?”

“Eeyup.”

“Have you referred to yourself as Big Macintosh in these moments? Or just as a pony.”

His eyebrows wrinkled, clearly shifting through his memories to find the right answer. “…Nnnope?” He said, “At least… ah don’t think ah have?”

Dream Heart gave Gabriel a reassuring smile. Her attention pulled away from the notepad. “If that is the case, then I do not believe that this is something to be afraid of. Do you know of the idea of naturalization?”

The simple shake of his head confirmed that he did not understand what she meant.

“Naturalization is the method we use to evolve and adapt to changes. We as ponies, and I dare assume humans as well, are a species that quickly adapt to environments we are placed in. The physical sense of that adaptation is easy to recognize. A pony from the frozen north may grow thicker and longer fur than a pony from Silver Shoals, for example. But our minds adapt to new environments just as much as our bodies do. The Social norms we understand, the colloquialisms we use day to day, and even our entire identities change and evolve as we adapt. Until we ‘naturally’ fit into our new environment.”

“Huh.” The stallion snorted, “Ah don’t think that’s how that word was used back home.”

“Is that so?”

“Eeyup, naturalization is what we called the process of foreigners becomin’ full citizens in our country. Ah don’t think it had any other meanin’ like that.”

“Really? That is rather fitting still, is it not? A human’s process of naturally fitting into a new country, ending with them becoming a citizen. Rather similar, I think.” Dream Heart let a smile creep up her face. She hoped that Gabriel wouldn’t see it as condescending. The little fact about his home was actually quite fascinating to learn, and she couldn’t help the smile that emerged from it.

“While I understand the fear you have of growing too comfortable in Big Macintosh’s fur, I do not believe this is a cause for concern. You are becoming more used to being a pony, your body just had a bit of a head start in naturalizing.” An errant thought on the matter suddenly popped into her head. Ears on end, she continued her speak before Gabriel could reply. “Unless you are uncomfortable being a pony at all?”

There wasn’t an immediate response from the large stallion. Dream could catch the ears on Applejack’s head fall to the side upon seeing his delayed reaction. Pity? Fear? Dream wasn’t quite sure. It all depended on how she felt about Gabriel now and what had changed from the last time Dream had seen her. Gabriel shifted his hooves, and eventually spoke.

“Bein’ a pony is… well ah guess it’s supposed to be weird fer me, but it ain’t. Ah can thank Big Mac fer makin’ that transition easy. The only pony life ah really know about is life at Sweet Apple Acres. It’s a good life Applejack, Apple Bloom, Granny Smith, and Big Mac have here. Ah wouldn’t mind bein’ apart of any o’ it.”

Applejack’s ears perked up.

“But ah can’t ask fer that. Since this is somepony-… somebody else’s life. That’s why ah ain’t comfortable actin’ and thinkin’ like a pony as myself.”

And Applejack’s ears went down again.

“That makes sense for you, Gabriel. The lengths you are willing to go to keep your promise for Big Mac are commendable, but do you believe fighting this particular thing will help with that? Do you feel that growing more comfortable as a pony would be a bad thing for you?”

“…Ah guess not.”

He wasn’t sure, there was no perfectly correct answer for Gabriel. Dream imagined that the idea of “being a pony” conflicted too much with his goal of removing himself from Big Macintosh. Even if it was truly harmless, it made Gabriel more comfortable here, and the last thing he wanted was to be too comfortable.

She wondered to herself how he would react if he had been placed in his own body, seperate from Big Mac. Would he still feel unbothered by the idea of being a pony? Would he more willingly adapt to his new environment? It was an interesting hypothetical to think about, and Dream wondered if there was any writing, fictional or otherwise, that explored this idea. Perhaps not too many, a different creature adapting to life as a pony wouldn't be that interesting, would it?

“This will be an interesting point to go back on. For now, why don’t we begin with the meat of our session?”

“Is this the part where ya’ll are gonna start sleepin?” Applejack asked,

“Eeyup.”

“I am sorry, Applejack, I forgot to explain. Gabriel and I have begun using a spell known as dreamwalking to learn more about his condition, and the circumstances regarding Big Macintosh. The room is set up this way so that it is easier to fall asleep in. Unfortunately, I do not have a way for you to join us as we continue in Gabriel’s dream. I’m afraid there will not be much to watch or listen to from here.”

The mare shook her head at Dream Heart. “That ain’t a problem. Ah’ll just keep myself busy while ya’ll do yer thing.” Applejack picked up her stetson and reached inside of it. From the inside, she pulled out a small paperback book.

“The adventures of Huckleberry? A good choice.”

“Ya missed a Finn at the end there.”

Both of the mares gave Gabriel a confused look after his interjection. “Like… Huckleberry Finn?… Nevermind, ah’m sure it’s good too.”

“Well, thank ya. Ah’ll just be here, go ahead, do yer dreamin’ stuff.”

Dream Heart nodded, and turned her attention back towards Gabriel. “Are you ready to begin?”

“Eeyup.”

Sweet Apple Acres never looked more vibrant when Dream Heart stepped into the mind of Gabriel. The green trees seemed almost too green. The sky shined bright with the promise of a wonderful day. Scent was a particular rare sense to feel inside of a dream, but she could smell the inviting apples that rested upon every tree that surrounded them. More interestingly, Dream Heart and Gabriel didn’t stand on the dirt road leading to the farm house. Today, they were closer to the house. Stood just outside the fence line that surrounded the Apple family household.

“It makes me happy to see that we are not in another nightmare,” Dream noted.

“Yup.” Gabriel replied, no sign of an accent to be found.

“Does this place still bring any bad feelings for you, Gabriel?”

“Yup, it does. This… is a lot closer than before.”

“It is, but let’s not assume that to be a bad thing. This is perhaps a sign of your growing relationship with the Apple family.” Dream was quick to assert that statement before Gabriel made any assumptions. It would be easy to say that this change in place signaled his desire to take everything from Big Macintosh away inside of his head. An assumption that Dream Heart assumed Gabriel would assume if he was given the chance to start assuming.

“…Maybe.” Is all that he replied, clearly not convinced, but at least he wouldn’t spiral. “…So what do we have to do to get Big Mac out here?”

“I am not certain how, but we may find the answer by retracing our steps. Do you remember how Big Mac appeared?”

“Nope, I wasn’t there. You were… after watching my memory.” The dots connected in Gabriel’s head. The stallion looked up at Dream Heart with a sudden realization. “We watched Big Mac’s memory, and I’m here… When we watch one of my memories, he’s here.”

“That may indeed be it.” Dream replied with a smile.

“But… but that means I’m not gonna be able to talk to him.”

“That… may also be true.” She pondered for a few moments, “If it happens again where you are not present, what would you like me to say to him?”

An important question like that needed time to be answered, and Gabriel took plenty of time to figure it out. It was fascinating for Dream Heart to watch the little changes in the world around them as the dream reflected his thoughts. Apples would change from red, to green, to blue. As if showcasing his feelings. The wind would blow one direction, and then the grass would be blown a different way soon after. A back and forth between two thoughts. It was not an easy question, but when the wind stilled and the apples were red again, Gabriel finally found an answer.

“Tell him… that everypony’s okay. That the farm’s okay.”

Dream Heart smiled at him, and nodded her head.

“…Any preference on what dream I show you this time?”

“Whatever you wish to share, I will be happy to watch.”

“Alright.” Gabriel drew a long breath, closed his eyes, and recalled one of his past memories. “Here goes nothin’..”

“The turn signal wasn’t broken, she just had this dangling on it.” Gabriel picked up a pink and puffy diceball keychain into his hands and showed his boss. An older man in his late sixties, who said he would quit smoking at least twenty different times. Yet he still had a cigar in his mouth.

Gabriel’s boss had a name, just like any person did, but he never called him anything but boss. He had too much respect for the man to call him anything else. Boss laughed to himself as he pulled the cigar from his lips. Pointed away towards the outside of the garage. Technically, he wasn’t supposed to smoke here, but it was his garage. As long as the inspector didn’t see him do it.

“Sometimes you wonder what people’re thinking when they come in for stuff like that. It’s like their common sense goes out the window on the drive here.”

Gabriel shrugged, tossing the dice back onto the nearby table. The client who had it decided she didn’t want it anymore, and left it at the garage. His coworkers commented on not being the lady’s garbage dump. Gabriel decided to keep it without any complaints.

“You’re gonna take it to Dany?” Boss asked him,

“Yup.” He replied, nothing more had to be said between them. They both knew that Daniella had a pink dice keychain just like that at the end of her phone. It was the only pink thing she owned.

“You can head out early, then. Just tell Dale to write down the malfunctioning car lift before you head out.”

“Boss, I can sti-“

“Nah, you’ve been workin’ every day for the past week. I can already get in serious trouble for lettin’ you stay on the clock for this long. Not to mention the toll it’s taken on you physically. Have you looked in a mirror lately, Gabe?”

He was always pretty blunt with Gabriel, but that was the relationship they had. Boss was his mentor, his guiding figure through most of his life. Gabe was very used to his straightforward teaching methods.

“Go home, clean yourself up, and go see her. You’re not allowed back here till Monday, got it?”

“…Yup.”

Straight away, he did as he was told. Taking the dice with him, Gabriel headed home and put on his best outfit. Afterward, he took the long drive across town in his beaten up corolla to Daniella. The check oil light was flashing in the dashboard, and something was rattling at the back end of the car. Gabriel knew he had to take it in for an oil change and a checkup on Monday. He would go earlier, but Boss would no doubt kick him out.

Soon enough, he was at his destination after a quick trip to a store. From the corolla he picked up the dice and the flowers that sat in the passenger seat. After they were secured in his grasp, he closed the door and stepped into the graveyard.

Passing dozens of tombstones and plaques, Gabriel found the one plaque he was looking for.

DANIELLA HERRERA RUIZ

2001-2018

THE GREATEST SISTER ANYONE COULD ASK FOR.

Gabriel was asked to write that final line. He had no idea what to say when the engraver asked him. There could have been a thousand better sayings to give her final resting place, but that was the only one he could offer. What was somebody supposed to say about their only dead relative?

He sat himself down in front of the plaque. Immediately reaching for the cigarette in his coat pocket. She never liked the fact that he smoked, but Gabriel had become so used to the feeling of a cigarette in his mouth that it felt impossible for him to stop. A small shame he had to feel while right in front of his sister.

“Got you this, Dan.” Gabriel said, using the pet name he had for her. She hated it because it made her sound like a dude. He placed the flowers and dice onto the plaque. Allowing the dice to roll and see what number they would land on. One landed on two dots, and the other landed on five. The number seven, the most common number for a dice to roll.

Just like how her death was by the most common cause in their city.

The rest of that time was spent quietly. Gabriel had much he wanted to say to his sister, but he never really believed in spirits or ghosts. Daniella had once told him she believed in life after death, in a brand new life to live after one passes. If that was true, then she already moved on to the next life. He could only hope that life was a better one than what she had to go through here.

So there he sat. Puffing a cigarette, reliving memories that only made him want to draw another puff. It was all he ever did when he wasn’t working.

“I’ll quit smokin’ tomorrow, I promise.” He lied to the plaque.

Dream Heart didn’t recognize what drug Gabriel was using in that memory, but she was glad that he hadn’t found any similar form of vice here in Equestria. It wasn’t an uncommon sight for a pony to drown themselves in short term pleasures after a loss. Chewing on straw may be bad for your jaw, but not nearly as bad as smoking.

“He did try ta stop, started chewin’ gum instead.” The voice of Gabriel spoke next to her in the graveyard memory they both stood in. Except it wasn’t Gabriel, it was Big Macintosh. Dream Heart knew this was a possibility, and the surprise of hearing his country drawl did not shock her out of his dream this time.

There he was, Big Mac. If he hadn't spoken, Dream Heart wouldn’t have been able to tell the difference between him and Gabriel. Given that there wasn’t a second large red stallion with short orange hair and half lidded eyes in the dream, she assessed that Gabriel was no longer present.

“Hello, Big Macintosh.” Dream Heart says softly, no longer focusing her attention on the memory of a human in the background. The amazement didn’t hit as hard the second time. “Do you know who I am?”

“Eeyup.” Big Mac replied, “Dr. Dream Heart of the Ponyville General Hospital.”

“We didn’t meet personally before Gabriel came to the hospital. Does that mean you are aware of what has been happening outside of here?”

“Eeyup. Why wouldn’t ah be?”

He was aware of Gabriel and the events going on outside. Big Mac wasn’t out of the loop, but that only brought about more questions. Before she could begin any of them, Dream had a promise to keep.

“You know of Gabriel, then?” She asked him.

“Eeyup.”

“He wishes for me to tell you that everypony on the farm is okay, including the farm itself.”

A smile rose up on Big Mac’s lips. He mouthed a word that Dream couldn’t hear, but swore looked like an eeyup. “Ah know. Ah never doubted it wouldn’t be with him around.”

Now the real questions began. “Big Macintosh, Gabriel and I would like to know more about what happened two weeks ago. How you came to be here and he out there. Would you be alright with discussing it with me?”

No hesitation came from Big Mac. “Eeyup, fine by me. Ah dunno how much ah can tell ya, though… Maybe we could talk somewhere else?”

The two ponies looked around the dim graveyard scene where the human Gabriel still sat. It was a memory only, but she could agree that talking while standing before the human’s mourning would be rather disrespectful. Dream Heart planned to walk out of the memory’s boundaries, but Big Mac had other plans. He nodded his head, and within moments the two ponies were back in Sweet Apple Acres. Standing directly in front of the farm house’s door.

He directly controlled Gabriel’s dream. Dream Heart’s eyes went wide. If she had not found the common sense to hold back her surprise, she would have been ejected from the dream again. For once, she didn’t want to have to spend an entire day nauseous after a dreamwalking session. This was a revelation, a gigantic discovery that had greater implications than anything else before it, but she couldn’t think about it right now. Empty your thoughts, and stay in the moment, Dream Heart.

“Well…” Dream began while she composed herself, “Big Macintosh, do you know how you came to be here?”

“Nnnope.” He said with the nonchalance of a town hall receptionist.

“Can you tell me the last thing you do remember?”

“Ah… don’t think ah need to. You’ve already seen it.” Now there was emotion bleeding in. His ears fell, and Big Mac’s eyes shifted away from Dream.

The memory of Applejack and Big Macintosh’s fight, that had to be what he was referring to. The last thing that Big Mac remembers. “What happened when you fell asleep that night?” She asked.

“Ah slept, probably had some sorta dream or somethin’ ah don’t remember, and woke up.”

“But you didn’t wake up, Big Mac. Gabriel was the one that woke up.”

“Eeyup.”

He talked as if Dream Heart already knew the same things he did. As if these questions didn’t need to be answered. Why was Big Mac intentionally leaving out more descriptive details? If he did know everything that was going on, then surely he knew that Dream Heart didn’t have any of these answers. So why was he doing this?

If she couldn’t get him to answer it directly, perhaps a different approach would help. She wasn’t a detective, but she was a psychiatrist. If she could understand his mental state before the transition to Gabriel, maybe she can better understand how things happened.

“May I ask you more about that night in particular? With Applejack?”

The discomfort was settling in again for Big Macintosh. He didn’t like looking ponies in the eye when he was uncomfortable. “…Alright.”

“What started the fight between you and your sister?”

“She convinced Granny to plant a whole new apple variety in the new plantation. It ain’t a smart decision, it’s a risky one. If the new apples aren’t as popular as Applejack thinks, we’ll now have a bunch o’ apples that nopony buys to add onto every harvestin’ season. More work and more danger to the farm.”

“And you disagreed? So you confronted her about it?”

“…Eeyup.” Shame was being added to his discomfort. He wasn’t proud of what he did. “Ah just wanted to explain that… and ah said more than what ah should have.”

“Do you know why you did that?”

“…Ah’ve never been an emotional stallion, Doctor.” Big Mac began, now looking her in the eye. “When there’s an entire farm to run, ya don’t worry about yer feelins too much. Ah can admit that ah never really had a healthy way of ventin’ the bad feelins. Bad thoughts just catch up to ya sometimes when ya do that. Thoughts ya wish ya didn’t have.”

“What kind of thoughts?”

“…Suppose you would wanna know ‘em, well.” Big Macintosh sighed and sat down in front of her. “Applejack’s been a grown mare for many years now, she’s always helped around the farm, but never took the lead until recently. She’s now makin’ decisions on how the farm should be run. She helps plan out the schedules and the business. Ah practically never run the stall in town anymore cause she’s better at it.”

“You felt your role in the family, the head of the farm, was being taken away from you.”

“Eeyup…”

Dream Heart stepped forward towards Big Mac, her haunches lowered to the ground to sit across from the large stallion. With her head leaned forward, she looked up at his downtrodden eyes. “Do you still feel that?”

“…Eeyup, and ah hate it.”

“Do you think that it’s possible that Gabriel has taken your place because of this?”

There was no Nnnope that came from Big Mac. Instead, his head quickly shook back and forth in response.

“You don’t think so?”

“Ah’d never do that to somepony. Mah problems are mah problems, not his… Ah don’t know how it happened, but it wasn’t intentional, it just happened.”

“You two really are alike.”

“Eeyup, and he’s doin’ just fine.”

Now that caught her attention. “What do you mean?”

“He’s takin’ care o’ the orchard alright. Livin’ with the family on good terms. Not a lotta fightin’ goin’ on. He’s even got a good thing goin’ with Applejack. Everythin’s goin’ alright.”

“You’re… happy that he is doing a good job at living your life?”

“Eeyup.” It was so matter of fact. Like this was the obvious conclusion. Of course he’d be happy! Why would Dream Heart think otherwise? Another interaction that nearly sent the doctor flying out of the dream in surprise. What kind of conclusion is that?!

She had to ask him. She had to know for sure.

“Big Macintosh, do you want your body returned to you?”

“Nnnope.”

There it was, the refusal that made half of this conversation make some form of sense. He understood the situation he was in, and was welcoming it. Gabriel could live his life, he would stay here and watch. “Why? Why don’t you want to live your life again?”

“… Ya already know what ah did!” Big Mac exclaimed, “Ah was an awful brother, an awful leader, a downright terrible pony. Ah told my own kin that she’d be better off sittin down and listenin’ to me. What kinda pony deserves to be a brother to sisters like Applejack and Apple Bloom when he does somethin’ like that? How can ah look ‘em in the eye and say ah actually care about ‘em?! They’re better off without me, Gabe’ll do just fine in mah place. It can’t get much worse than that.”

“Big Macintosh, are you sure that-“

“Eeyup, ah’m sure.” Dream Heart was not allowed to even ask the question. Big Macintosh shook his head immediately after cutting her off. “Ya wanted ta ask me how things ended up like this. Well ah dunno why ah’m here, but ah’m stayin’. As for why Gabe’s here… well ah don’t know why, but ah got an idea.”

She wanted to desperately pick apart at his refusal to retake his own life. There were just too many questions left to answer from it! So much hidden within the confines of his heart that she wanted to unearth! Unfortunately, Big Mac had placed a wall between her and those answers. No amount of digging would bring them to her. Dream Heart to give up that fight for now, and try again another time.

“What idea is that?” She asked.

“His last memory.”

“Oh, when he fell asleep at his workplace? Do you know what happened that day?”

“Eeyup, and he knows too.”

Dream Heart was about to press him for further details, but the world shifted before she could even utter a word. Big Macintosh was gone again, and a new memory was left for her to watch…

“Welcome back.” Dale said to Gabriel as he pulled into the garage. One of his coworkers he saw a lot, but not one he had a personal relationship with. “Is that gum in your mouth?”

“Yup.” Gabriel replied, it wasn’t his first time trying to quit. While the cigarettes were hard to get rid of, chewing gum made a nice alternative to tobacco chews. He could keep up with the chewing gum, but Gabriel wasn’t too sure he could keep the stick away for the whole day. “Nobody come in yet?”

His response was a shake of the head, “No sirree, completely empty shop. Feels like a damn ghost gonna crawl up my back any second now.” Dale shivered, “Just one of those bad feelin’ days.”

“Hm.” He hummed to Dale, handing him a pair of keys. “I need to check the rear axle on my car, could you get it on the lift?”

“Sure, ain’t nothin’ better to do.”

Thanks were given before Dale went off to get Gabriel’s car. While Gabriel himself went to the back to change into his work clothes. The weekend was rough, but now he could get back to work. Back into the garage he went, prepared to turn off his brain and fix up his car. He was happy to see the toyota corolla sitting up on the lift, just high enough where he could stand underneath it.

“You definitely got somethin’ busted in there. Was rattling the entire time.”

“Yup.” Gabriel replied, and immediately went and grabbed his kit. Dale hung around as Gabe first picked up his flashlight. A creak could be heard from the metal nearby.

Dale tried to start up idle conversation while Gabriel got to work. “Do you remember that show Dany used to watch when she was younger?”

He picked the worst opening conversation. “…Yup.”

“Heard from my niece it just ended. Nine seasons.”

“Great.” Gabriel replied sarcastically. He knew what show Dale was talking about, Dale had been around Daniella and Gabriel for six years as part of the mechanic crew. What stung for Gabriel was that he couldn’t remember anything about that show. In fact, he remembered Daniella once asking him to come watch it with him when she was about twelve or thirteen. He was always so busy with work, he never got the chance.

Gabriel couldn’t even remember the name of that show.

His near constant scowl had turned into a deep frown, and Dale realized he hit a nerve. Boss realized it as well, watching from the door on the far side.

“Hey Dale, Gabe.” He said as the two waved back at him. Boss then coughed as a gesture for Dale to come over to him. Leaving Gabriel to do the work on his car, he approached Boss.

“Did you seriously bring up Dany?” Boss asked him quietly, with the tone of a fed up janitor at a high school.

“What? I was just trying to chat a bit.”

“But Dany, seriously?”

“It’s been over a year, Boss, how was I supposed to know?”

He flicked a finger onto Dale’s forehead. “Ow!”

“Why’s he workin’ on his car?”

“Man… Somethin’s wrong on the rear axle side. Got some real bad rattlin’.”

“Huh.” The two men watched as Gabriel dilgently searched the undercarriage. “By the way, we ever get any word from the repair guy for the lift?”

“What’re you talking about?”

Another creak of metal. Boss was no longer interested in Gabriel. Eyes dead set on Dale. “The broken lift? The one Gabe was supposed to get you to report on friday? Did you get it done?”

“What? No, he didn’t tell me anything like that.”

“You’re kiddin’ me, Dale. Don’t tell me you’ve been usin’ it all weekend.”

“Haven’t had any problems, if somebody told me I would have shut it off!”

“Dale, you fucking dimwit! That thing’s been leaning for weeks and we just had three SUV’s this weekend! That lift’s more likely to give than a thousand year old boat in a hurricane! Which one was it?”

Creak.

“The one Gabe’s usin’.”

Gabriel finally found the crack. A small one, but a big enough deal that he probably shouldn’t have been driving it this entire time. It would need an entire replacement for the car to be safe to drive again. He sighed at his misfortune, even if it wasn’t entirely surprising, given the age of the car. Frankly, he was happy it didn’t kill him when he was driving the thing. He could always rely on it to get him to where he needed to be.

“Oh… shit.” Gabe heard Boss call from the far door.

Creak…

“Holy shit!” Dale yelled.

“Gabe, watch out!” Boss cried out.

The last thing Gabriel heard was Boss’ voice belt out his name in shock. Right before a crushing weight fell atop of him.

Everyone then woke up.

10 - Refusal

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Dream Heart was happy she awoke naturally instead of nauseously. Everything else about her awakening was less so. The first thing that came to her ears after her eyes opened was a deep, rumbling howl from the large red stallion. Something scared Gabriel awake, his eyes frantically searching the room around him. Not to mention the shivers that constantly ran across his back.

“What in the blazes are you yellin’ for?!” Applejack cried at Gabriel the moment everypony had awoken. The book she had been reading was currently laying on her barrel, clearly having fallen asleep while waiting.

“Gabriel, are you alright?” Dream Heart asked him, and another vicious shiver went down his spine. Gabriel’s eyes shot towards the doctor, and she saw what was shaking him. In his eyes flashed by his own life, with eyes so wide Dream could see herself clear as day in the reflection.

A fear had overtaken him, shocked him and held his body hostage the moment he awoke. Gabriel’s heart pounded fast in his chest, and Dream swore she could hear the beat that it pumped at. There was no uniformity to his breathing, only desperate gasps for air that are quickly followed by heavy release. Adrenaline was being shot through his veins, keeping his body tensed and ears shot up.

What Gabriel was feeling was a feeling that was not often felt by ponies. In a land as peaceful and harmonious as Equestria, there were very few threats to the citizens that truly would shake them to their core. That would leave their minds’ fighting to stay calm underneath the fight or flight instinct their bodies are forcing themselves in.

A pony could feel this extreme effect if they were put through a near death experience. Dream Heart could guess that this would similarly happen when experiencing your own death. Gabriel just witnessed and felt himself die, and woke up immediately after.

“Gabe, Gabe! Talk ta us! Yer lookin’ like a cornered rabbit!” Applejack pleaded, and to Dream’s surprise, it worked. His breathing was beginning to calm, just by listening to her. “Yer okay, nothin’s gonna hurt ya. Just let us know what happened.”

“…A-Ah…” Gabriel finally formed words of his own, and immediately Dream knew something was off. His head turned to Applejack, but his eyes stayed on her. Transfixed onto her, he continued. “Ah.. don’t know. Somethin’… startled me.”

“What was startlin’ ya, sugarcube?”

His gaze had momentarily looked towards Applejack, but when she asked her second question, Gabriel flicked back towards Dream Heart once again. “…Ah can’t remember.”

Applejack was next to flick her gaze towards Dream Heart, and she returned that knowing look. The farm mare was particularly good at catching liars, and it didn’t take a lie detector to see past Gabriel’s obvious ruse. He was lying through his teeth, and knew exactly what it was that had shaken him so badly.

Eeyup, and he knows too. Big Macintosh’s words rang clearly in Dream Heart’s ears. Gabriel knew about that memory. He knew that he was crushed underneath his own car.

He knew that he died this entire time.

“Ah’m okay, sorry,” Gabriel started again, quickly trying to change the subject, “Did ya speak to Big Mac?”

A diversion, one so easy to discern that even the densest yak could figure out. A rock with the most basic level of social skills given to it would see through it… and yet it worked. Applejack knew he was lying, but the question of what happened to her brother was more important at this very moment. Her head turned to face Dream Heart as well. For the moment, the topic of his obvious lie had to be put aside. As neither Apple(in body) would wait any longer.

“…Well,” Dream sat back in her chair. She knew this wasn’t going to go over well. “I am afraid that Big Macintosh is not as receptive as we would have hoped.”

The event with Big Macintosh was recounted by Dream Heart. From their talk of his fight with Applejack, to the circumstances of his place inside of their shared mind. Everything was mentioned by Dream, except for the memory at the end. The last thing she told them was the final statement Big Macintosh gave her.

“Mah brother doesn’t want his body back?!” Applejack yelled, and Gabriel nodded in agreed outrage.

“For the moment, he has refused the idea of coming back.”

“Over that dumb fight?! Ah know what ah said that night was stupid, and ah regret every bit o’ it, but that’s even dumber! Why would he ever think ah’d never want him back?! What about Granny, or Apple Bloom?! He's just gonna abandon them too?!”

“Big Macintosh seems to believe that Gabriel is filling his horseshoes well. It’s… possible that he sees the better relationship you two have had, and has come to the conclusion that it is better off kept this way. He is under the belief that he is unable to fulfill the role of big brother as he currently is.”

“Well that’s just a load of hooey! Don’t you agree Gabe?”

“Eeyup!”

“Sure, he’s a pain in the neck, but he’s mah pain in the neck. Gabe’s a fine stallion, and he can be a good Big Mac when we need it, but he ain’t the real thing and never will be! No offense, Gabe.”

“None taken,” Gabriel replied. “He should listen to his sister if he can hear all this.”

“I understand both of your feelings on the matter. However feelings like this aren’t so easily remedied. They are not easily solved by a pony simply telling them they are silly feelings. Whether they are true or not, they feel them. Something the both of you can relate with.”

Dream Heart took the time to look both of them in the eyes as she continued. “Applejack, did you easily come to terms with Gabriel’s words that he wasn’t Big Macintosh? He begged for you to listen to him, but you refused due to your own feelings. Is that not right?”

Applejack winced, ears going flat atop her head. “Aaaah…. Yeah, can’t really argue wit’ that.”

Her head then turned to Gabriel, who already had his ears back. He knew what was coming. “Gabriel, do you still feel unwelcome in the world of Equestria, despite being here through no fault of your own, and being accepted by those who do know the truth about you?”

The two mares who knew that truth looked at him, and Gabriel let out a dejected nod. “Eeyup.”

“These feelings are real to us when we feel them, no matter how irrational they may be. It is important that we understand that moving past these feelings is not so simply done. The pony themselves must come to terms with them, and learn how to let them go. We can only try and help them. Which is what I plan to do when I speak with him going forward… In saying that, Gabriel, there is another matter I need to discuss with you.”

The rage had been quelled, and now Dream Heart could talk about the next very important topic for them. “What is it, doc?” He asked her.

“I must inform you that my time here at Ponyville General will soon be coming to an end. After the Summer Sun Celebration, I will be moving to Trottingham and working at their General Hospital.”

His eyes shot open, ears fully alert. Dream Heart could see Applejack nervously look between the two of them. “Doctor Dream, what does that mean?” He asked her again.

“In a week, I will no longer be in Ponyville, and the frequent sessions we have had together will be coming to an end.”

The unsure feeling the two farm ponies had shared was replaced with a tense feeling of dread. Dream Heart had just made the statement that their continued progress may be stalled indefinitely. If Dream didn’t act quickly, this topic may prove uglier than she wished for it to be.

“That does not mean that you will be without help, Gabriel. I may not be able to come to Ponyville often, but I can arrange for a fellow psychiatrist to visit from Canterlot. I know of a few that would be happy to take on your case and assist you. However they would only be able to visit at most… bi-weekly.”

“That ain't’ good news.” Gabriel said abruptly. An expected response.

“I know, but we are not going our separate ways entirely. I committed to helping you, Gabriel, and I still intend to. The dreamwalking sessions that I am able to offer will still continue.”

“How often?” Applejack asked this time, a concern dripping from her voice.

“…Once a month, after I get it on schedule.”

She watched as Gabriel’s head hung low. Dream leaned toward him with a sympathetic tone. “I know that this is not progressing as quickly as you would like it to, Gabriel, but it is not over. At Trottingham, I will have access to experts from all walks of life, and my associates in Canterlot will be better equipped to help untangle the deeper mysteries going on than I ever could on my own. Today, I plan to start the process by sending a letter to a former classmate to start the process.”

“…So ah’m goin’ to become some medical study case.”

Dream shook her head. “Your information will be kept anonymous, only ponies who directly interact with you have to know the identity of Big Macintosh, and they will be sworn to confidentiality. Anypony else who helps with this case will not know who you are, and Big Mac will still have a normal life to live.”

Finally, something she said eased the tension between them, if only a little bit. Gabriel let out a long sigh of discontent, but showed no signs of anger or rage. “We got seven days, then?”

“Yes, and I will be available to you for six of them. You can come in at any time, every day.”

“And do you think we can fix this by then?”

…Now that was a delicate topic to answer, and Dream Heart knew she couldn’t simply say no. Even if she believed that to be the truth.

“I cannot say for certain… it is possible, but I would keep our expectations tempered. Until we can better understand both Big Macintosh and the circumstances of your place here.”

It was a fancy way of saying no, and Gabriel knew that. Thankfully, he took it well. Unhappy, sure, but there was no outburst from the stallion. A few long breaths, a shake of his head, and a nod was his reaction.

“Ah guess ah’m stickin’ around for the family reunion, then.” Gabriel said dejectedly, and Applejack was quick to respond.

“Ya don’t gotta worry ‘bout a thing for the reunion, Gabe. Ah know it’s hard on ya… but you’ll have a good time, ah’ll make sure o’ it.”

“…Thanks, Applejack.”

It was a hollow word of appreciation. Gabriel didn’t actually want that. Dream Heart knew that his greatest fear was everything going well at the reunion. Enjoying life as a member of a large family. He didn’t seem to share this particular fear with Applejack. Perhaps Gabriel wasn’t sharing as much as he claimed he was with Big Mac’s sister.

“…The Apple family’s gonna be busy when all the supplies arrive, and that’s in… five days. Ah wanna come and do a dream session every day until then.”

“And you are more than welcome to, Gabriel.” Dream Heart said, “That is all we can do for today, unless there is anything you wish to discuss, I will let you two-“

“Now, now, wait a minute. Ain’t there an elephant left in the room?” Applejack cut into her sentence with a question of her own. “Gabe was lookin’ mighty shaken when ya’ll woke up. Do you know what happened to him, Dr. Dream?”

“Applejack,” Gabriel suddenly said, “It ain’t nothin’ to worry about, ah’m okay.”

“Like hay that’s okay! If yer gonna be doin’ these dreamin’ things all week, ya can’t come outta them a screamin’ mess every time. What happened in the dream?”

Dream Heart knew what a kindling looked like, and this situation was more like spilled oil underneath a torch. She did not bring the last memory because of how he had immediately reacted upon waking up. Gabriel knew what the memory they saw was, and did not want Applejack to know about it, but Applejack was already invited to today’s session. By all accounts, Dream should be able to tell her. The look in Gabriel’s eyes, however, said otherwise.

“Well, Applejack, the reason Gabriel reacted that way was-“

“It ain’t important, ya really don’t have ta mention it.” Gabriel replied curtly.

“It’s mighty rude to interrupt, and ah wanna know, so it is important! What happened?”

“Gabriel had to relive a… startling memory before waking up.” Dream Heart finally said, “It had no effect on him physically. I can assure you.”

“Startlin’? What kinda startlin’?”

“Applejack, please, ah-.”

“Didn’t ya tell me ya wanted me in on everythin’ now, Gabe? Ain’t that why ah’m here?”

“Eeyup, but that memory isn’t important!”

“Dr. Dream, is that memory he saw an important one?”

Applejack went straight for it. Dream Heart couldn’t say no. It was important, and bringing it up could bring them closer to understanding how he came to be in Equestria. Not to mention why Gabriel refused to talk about it. Applejack saw her hesitation as an answer to her question.

“See? If it’s so important, why ain’t we talkin’ about it?”

“Because it-!” Gabriel growled, his large hoof coming into contact with his forehead… Dream Heart had seen the humans in the memories touch their faces with their hands in a similar way, but this time it looked like it hurt… especially since it was a hoof and not a hand.

“Ah don’t want you ta know about it, that’s it.”

“Why not?” Applejack replied, her tone commanding his attention and demanding a proper answer.

“You won’t see me in the same way after! Ah ain’t tellin’ ya!”

“Gabe, ah ain’t gonna judge ya for some memory, fer cryin out loud! If ah can be of any help in gettin’ mah brother back and fixin’ this mess, ah need to know what the problems are!”

He growled again, but clearly was losing the fight against Applejack. Every encounter she has seen between them seems to end pretty similarly, with Big Mac/Gabriel giving in. This one was no different.

“Fine. Tell her, doc.” Gabriel said to Dream Heart. Applejack’s eyes focused on the doctor. Gabriel looked away with his ears pressed. He had certain expectations on what this information would do, and was bracing for the impact…

“Very well…” Dream Heart filled her lungs, and slowly released. Readying herself for this topic. “Applejack, during our session, Gabriel relived the last memory he had before he became Big Macintosh. In this dream, an accident occurred at his workplace. A machine failed to perform its intended function, and Gabriel was underneath the machine when it failed. Gabriel was killed.”

The color drained from Applejack’s face. “Gabe…” Her head slowly turned towards Gabriel. “You… yer dead?”

“…Nnnope, ah’m not, ah’m right here, aren’t ah? Clearly ain’t dead.” Gabriel’s tone was harsh, and Dream could almost hear the teeth grinding between words.

“Before we go any further, I would suggest a moment of calm. This information is startling, yes, but we do not need to-“

“Like hay am ah gonna be calm!” Applejack yelled out, standing up from her chair. “You died before ya took over mah brother’s body, and didn’t think to mention that while ya were constantly tellin’ me how much you ain’t him?!”

“Ah didn’t mention it cuz it didn’t happen! Ah ain’t dead!”

“Or yer a ghost possessin’ a body!”

Gabriel raised from the couch now as well. “Don’t call me a ghost!”

“It ain’t wrong!”

Just like that, Dream Heart had lost control. “Please, you two, let’s sit back down and-“

“No, nuh uh. Ah can’t sit here calmly with somepony who says he can trust me, but won’t mention somethin like that!… Ah need to walk.” Applejack glared at Gabriel, before stomping out of the office. The stallion had a look of pure fury on his face. More than Dream had ever seen Gabriel have before.

“…Ah’ll see ya tomorrow, Doc.” Gabriel said with a huff, and stormed out soon after. Dream Heart’s first thought about chasing after them, but their heated argument was far beyond what she could mediate peacefully. It would take a far greater force than herself to keep them apart long enough to calm down, a power she did not possess.

She rubbed her temple with her hoof, and prayed to Celestia that this could be salvaged. First, they had to finish their fight… much like siblings would do.

“Applejack!… Applejack!” I called out the very moment my hooves left the hospital. Chasing after Applejack as soon as she left Dream Heart’s office. The news about Big Macintosh’s refusal was squarely out of my mind, and the only thoughts I had were on her. Why, out of all things, did that have to happen?!

I didn’t want to think about it. I refused to, and now both Dream Heart and Applejack knew that my own car-… No, No, No. That isn’t it. None of that happened. None of it is true. I am alive, I am real. Dream Heart made sure I believed that, and being dead is the opposite of being real. There is no possible way I died, and I was going to convince Applejack of that no matter what.

Except that I couldn’t find her. As far as I saw, she wasn’t galloping out of the hospital. Just a slow stomp out… and yet I have been left in the dust in the few short moments between our departures. There was no way she disappeared that quickly. Ponyville General was at the edge of Ponyville, and there weren’t any immediate buildings for her to hide behind. Not that I’d expect a pony like Applejack to hide behind the hospital.

If she did gallop off, then her tracks would tell me where she went. I searched the dirt road for the freshest hoof prints, and soon found hooves that definitely belong to Applejack. Each step was buried deep into the dirt as she stomped away from the hospital…

Up until her tracks stop abruptly. Ten feet from the hospital.

That… that made no sense. Applejack wasn’t a pegasus, and couldn’t teleport like a magical unicorn. Her hoof prints couldn’t have just stopped. The only way they could have ended is if she suddenly grew wings, or was carried by something or somebody else…

Who would have the strength to carry a sturdy farm mare like Applejack? More importantly, why would they? Something was off, and my heart was beginning to race. My body felt on edge, with every fur bristling. Big Mac’s body was acting on instinct, tense, waiting for a predator to pounce. What did his body know that I didn’t?

My biggest mistake was fighting that instinct, I relaxed myself and shook my head. Only then did I hear her haunting voice.

“Maaaaackyyy…” She said quietly, “You broke a Pinkie Promise.”

I tried to scream, but everything went black before the sound reached my lungs.

“…UAAAGH-!…. Huh?”

I awoke to a bright and colorful bedroom, with balloon decorations all across the room. A single queen sized bed sat against the wall in front of me, its oak frame holding a mattress covered in tiled balloons. Images of teddy bears and stars were painted on the ceiling above, and the nearby gramophone was set to play a fun and cheerful tune.

There was also a nearby open doorway. Except I was unable to go to it, since my entire body was wrapped in rope.

“Real manly there. Ya scream like a filly.” A voice next to me chided. I knew immediately who it was, but it took a considerable amount of effort to turn myself around to face her.

“Applejack, what in the hay’s goin’ on?” I asked, and narrowed my eyes when I saw her sitting next to me, completely untied. Why was she not wrapped up like a cow about to be branded?

“Do ah gotta spell it out fer ya? Where do ya think we are?”

…Balloons, pink, cheery music. The scent of numerous delicious baked goods. Applejack was right, she didn’t have to tell me.

“We’re in Sugarcube Corner.”

“Eeyup,” Applejack replied,

“And Pinkie Pie brought us here because we broke our Pinkie Promise about not fightin’.”

“Eeyup,” She said again.

“That don’t explain why ah’m tied up and you ain’t.”

“That’s cuz Pinkie Pie used mah lasso after she carried me here, which ah want back now, so stay still.”

With her teeth, Applejack worked on the knots that held my large hooves together. I was surprised that Big Mac’s inherent strength couldn’t snap the rope, but knowing it was her lasso made it make sense. Applejack was capable of bringing down a full grown bull with her trusty lasso. Her brother certainly had no chance of stopping it if she decided to tie him up.

Pinkie Pie certainly didn’t make it easy. Most of the knots we tied were utilitarian. Simple, easy and effective knots that held together well and were easy to loosen when we needed to. Pinkie’s knots were what we would call “aesthetic” knots. More made to look pretty than to be effective, but with how complicated they were to create, it took much longer than usual for Applejack to untie it. Plus a few unintended bites on my legs in the process.

“Would ya stop nibblin’ me?!”

“Ah’m not tryin’ to! Now sit… still… There!”

Finally, the rope was made loose, and I could move my hooves again. The ground was now firmly under me, and the crack that rang out from my back was like music to my ears after being left in that uncomfortable position. It was amazing that a pony like Pinkie Pie could so easily tie me up and carry me here… Speaking of which.

“How’d she even find out the promise was broken?”

Applejack looked away from me with lips pursed.

“Ya told her?” I asked,

“She was walkin’ in to the hospital when ah was walkin’ out! She asked what was wrong!… Ah had to apologize.”

Applejack couldn’t lie. Out of all the things I could be frustrated about, that was not one of them. To think that breaking a promise like that would be answered so quickly, it had to be the worst case of coincidence I’ve ever seen.

Now why were we in Pinkie Pie’s bedroom?

“AHEM!” The voice of the pink captor rang out through the bedroom, and the source of our current predicament now stood at the bedroom’s open doorway. Which she dramatically shut behind her. Both Applejack and I turned our attention to her. Our fur collectively stood on edge. They knew not to mess with an angry Pinkamena Diane Pie, and man did she look angry.

“There I was, about to drop off the ‘Getting a Marefriend One Year Anniversary’ present for Doctor Horse and his special somepony, when I found that a PINKIE PROMISE was BROKEN!”

Pinkie Pie stomped her hoof on the ground, but instead of the loud slam of hard keratin, it sounded more like a marshmallow dropped on the floor. We both awaited our moment of punishment, when the pink menace would enact her judgement…

“Now! For breaking a Pinkie Promise!… Could somepony tell me what the promise was first?!”

…Blink. Blink.

“Ya didn’t tell her the promise?” I asked Applejack,

“Pinkie, ah thought ya already knew! Ain’t ya like… omniscient or somethin’ when it comes to those things?”

Pinkie Pie laughed, “Of course not, silly! That’d be unnatural! Great use of omniscient, though.”

The two of us stood in stunned silence, and surprisingly, a small amount of relief washed over me. Pinkie Pie wasn’t this all knowing, all powerful entity capable of learning all secrets. She just was really good at being at the right place at the right time.

“So… Applejack said sorry for us breakin’ a promise…”

“Yup!”

“And ya foalnapped us and brought us to yer bedroom… to find out what the promise was?”

“Yupperooni!” She beamed.

“…Why?”

“Weeeell, if you two had made a Pinkie Promise in the first place, then it means that it must have been super important! Aaaaand you never told me what the promise was, so it must have been a super secret, super important Pinkie Promise! Sooo in that caaaase, a private, important place was needed to talk about your private and very important Pinkie Promise that you broke!”

It wasn’t said out loud, but clearly, Pinkie Pie’s bedroom was the super import and a super private place she was talking about. In a weird, roundabout way, it did make sense. If you tried to think like Pinkie Pie that is. Be careful trying to work in the mind of Pinkie. Mild bouts of confetti infused crazes may follow.

“Alright, Pinkie.” Applejack said, “We get it, here’s the whole deal. Mac and ah made a promise not to argue with each other. We broke that today.”

“Eeyup.”

“Oooooh. That’s a bad promise to break,” Pinkie Pie said.

“Mhm,” Replied Applejack.

“Eeyup,” Said me.

A moment of silence then followed, and for a brief second, I thought we would be allowed to leave. That was quickly dashed when Pinkie Pie stomped her hoof again. Except this time, we could hear her hoof connect.

CRACK! The wood underneath her screamed out from the impact. “What a terrible, terrible, TERRIBLE promise to break!” Pinkie Pie cried out. We both were quickly reminded that Pinkie entered this room angry. “Why, I couldn’t ever THINK of fighting with my sister! Her heartbroken face would be too much for me to bear! But YOU!”

Her hoof extended to me, inches from my muzzle. “You did it even AFTER promising you wouldn’t! You… Pinkie breaking, argu-ey, arguer!”

“She started it!”

“Ah did not!”

“And YOU!” Applejack had no chance to protest before a pink hoof pressed up against her nose. “You stomped right on off before you could fix your mistake!”

“That ain’t true! Ah needed a minute to mahself after… what ah heard.”

“It ain’t like ya were listenin’, anyways,” I chided,

“More like ya weren’t listenin’, you stubborn mule! Couldn’t think about anythin’ but yerself long enough to speak the full truth.”

“Now look at you guys!” Pinkie Pie cut in, a huff escaping her lips. “You can’t even stop doing it now! What happened to you two?”

With no immediate response either of us could give, we sat underneath the disapproving gaze of Pinkie Pie with not a sound coming from either of us. Only the occasional sideways glare pointed at each other.

“Alright, that’s it!” Pinkie jumps in and stands between the two of us. Sending glares in both of our directions. “As punishment for breaking your Pinkie Promises, you aren’t allowed to leave until you settle things once and for all!”

“What?” I said.

“What?!” Applejack cried.

“Ya heard me!” Pinkie Pie said dramatically. With a single hop she bounced back towards the the door and sat her rump right in front of it. “You’ll be right here until you two can get along!”

“We were gettin’ along just fine!” I huffed.

“Until ya kept another secret, guess ‘bein’ honest with each other’ is selective.”

“That ain’t-“

“Uh-uh-uh!” Pinkie cut me off, “There’s a problem, and you two need to talk it out like big ponies. Not fillies and foals. Until you do that, you’ll stay right here!”

“Ya can’t keep us here all day, what happens when it gets dark?” I hoped that was enough to convince her to give this up, but instead, it made her smile wide.

“Then we get to do a sleepover!”

A sigh resounded from next to me. “Give it a rest, she ain’t gonna change her mind.” Applejack giving in was a clear sign that there was no hope of convincing her. If Pinkie could beat the most stubborn mare in Ponyville, there was nopony who could stop her. “But we can’t talk about it here, Pinkie. Mac and ah’s problems are… between the family.”

She nodded her head in return, and stuck a hoof into her cotton candy for a mane. “That’s okie dokie! I got something just for that.” From within her mess of hair came out a pair of bright green, fuzzy earmuffs. Which she promptly placed over her pointed ears…

“I CAN’T HEAR A THING WITH THESE ON, SO GO AHEAD! I’LL BE RIGHT HERE!”

We both held our ears to protect our drums from her screeching… but it was certainly proof that the ear muffs did something. In hindsight, this was the situation I needed to be in. A place where Applejack can’t stomp off so that I could explain. If the only way out was the way I wanted things to go, then Pinkie was really helping me here. Even if she did kidnap me.

“Applejack, ah-“

“Don’t, Gabe.” Applejack said, quickly checking to see if Pinkie had any reaction to the name she said. Pinkie Pie was, of course, blissfully unaware. Humming a silent tune to herself. “Ah don’t want to hear a single thing from ya unless it’s the truth.”

“What ah’m sayin’ is the truth.”

“Prove it, cuz ah’m more likely to believe the doctor than you. Did you die before ya got here?”

“Nnnope.”

“Then ah ain’t listenin’, cuz yer not gonna get nowhere by repeatin that.”

My patience was already thin, but I tried my damndest to hold onto what miniscule amount was left. “Ah am tellin’ you the truth, ah am not dead. Ah’m right here, aren’t ah?”

“In my brother’s body.”

“But not dead.”

“Then why’d ya not want to tell me, huh?” Applejack narrowed her gaze, “If it was so unimportant, why try so hard to make sure ah don’t hear it? Thought ah’d look at you differently cuz of it?”

“Eeyup, ah did! Ah’m not a ghost possessin’ yer brother, and ah sure as hay don’t want ya to see me like that.”

“Why? So that ah won’t call an exorcist instead? Maybe they’d get the job done faster.”

“It…” I groaned, how could I explain this to her? How could I prove to her that the memory- no, the vision dream and I saw wasn’t true? With how little my temper had left, there was no reasoning in my head that would make this easier. Every synapse in my brain had a different idea, go on the attack.

“Why is this even somethin’ ya care about so much, Applejack? It don’t change what’s happened between us, and it don’t change what we’re doin’ next! There ain’t a single reason to get hung up on it!”

Applejack scoffed, and looked at me with eyes that were both furious and hurt. “Not a single one? How ‘bout how you placed this problem on me and me alone, expectin’ me to keep a secret!” She said, that final word coming out with pure venom on her tongue. “And ah’m acceptin’ o’ that now, but the least ah expect is nothin’ less than the entire truth, Gabe! You have two ponies you can rely on here, and ya don’t even trust me enough to tell me that?”

“Of course ah trust ya! Why do ya think ah told you who ah was? Out of anypony, yer the only one ah made sure knew ah wasn’t Big Mac? Do ya think ah did that willy nilly?”

“If ya trust me so much, then you’d have told me about it! Even if you don’t think it happened!”

“Ah didn’t tell ya about it because it didn’t happen!”

Applejack leaned in. “The doctor sure seems to think it did.”

“She don’t know.”

“What don’t she know?”

“She don’t know that it can’t happen!!” My voice rang out far louder than I expected, and even Applejack backed up when the words echoed through the room.

“Ah couldn’t have died, cuz if ah did, then that means that ah made the second biggest goddamn mistake o’ my life! A mistake that not only killed me, but ruined the business and life o’ the one man who never stopped bein’ my biggest supporter!…” My screaming energy was spent, but there was more to say. “…Ah didn’t die, because ah ain’t acceptin’ that ah left the last person ah cared about in mah life worse off than when ah entered it. So no, ah didn’t tell you, and no, it didn’t happen. No amount of truth arguin’ or sibling fighting will change that fer me.”

Applejack was dead silent, and clearly surprised by my outburst. Her mouth was left slightly open, as if she was ready to retort, only for the words to fail her. The frustration and distrust that was plastered all over her had fallen away. I said what I felt had to be said. Nothing more, nothing less. What effect it had on her, I had no idea. All she did say was one simple sentence.

“You’d rather hide from yer regrets than accept that they happened? Guess you and Big Mac have the same mindset right now.”

She looked away from me and back towards Pinkie Pie, who was watching me quietly. Applejack reached up and took off the ear muffs that the mare was wearing. “We’re done, Pinkie.”

Pinkie Pie blinked, and looked between Applejack and I. Unsure of what to say or do. Even the party mare could see the loss of the heated energy that once sparked between us. Now? It was just a somber melody.

“Are you sure? You don’t look like you two are getting along…” Pinkie asked gently.

“Ah’m sure. There ain’t no more arguin’ to have. We’re good.”

“You are?…” Pinkie Pie moved her attention onto me, and awaited my answer.

“…Eeyup.”

I could see the hesitation apparent on Pinkie Pie, but I think even she knew that keeping us in here wouldn’t help any longer. She stepped to the side, and Applejack took that opportunity to walk out the door.

With nothing else left to do here, I moved to follow her. Only to stop when I heard Pinkie’s voice at the doorway.

“Macky,” She said quietly, “No matter what happened between you two, or anything else, you deserve to feel happy… Okay?”

“…Okay.” I replied, even though I didn’t mean it.

I Am Not Big Mac.

by MrPip42

1 - Who’s Big Mac.

2 - Siblings

3 - Work

4 - What Am Ah?

5 - What Are You Afraid Of?

6 - Providing

7 - Why Do You Care?

8 - Big Brother

9 - Where You Need to Be

10 - Refusal