Really. Really. Fed Up.
Chains rattled between the pompous Prince Blueblood, the jingoistic General Sod, that annoying reporter pony from the Canterlot Chronicle up until he got sacked last week, and an assortment of other disillusioned dissenters as they were hauled into Princess Twilight’s throne room. As she sat on her throne, Twilight looked at them with a mixture of sternness and boredom. This was the third failed coup against her now. First, it was the national socialists that would have rather let Equestria turn into a frozen wasteland than make peace with different races. Then it was a group of misguided Luna loyalists and a few bat-ponies that were put out of a job because of her retirement. Luckily for her, they were very understanding and the bat-ponies had gotten jobs working the night shift. After they did their community service, of course. While she had doubts, Twilight hoped that the prisoners standing before her were as reasonable as the loyalists.
“Can you just pardon us already?” Blueblood asked arrogantly, “I need to get my mane groomed again.”
And just like that, the chance to have a civilized discussion was tossed to the wayside like a tumbleweed in the wind.
“I trust you guys know why you’re here,” Twilight said sternly.
“Yes, we are,” General Sod arrogantly spoke, “We are here to put your madness to an end. Where is the time-travel spell created by the legendary Star-Swirl the Bearded?!”
Twilight looked at the dark grey unicorn general, “What?”
“You know what I said,” General Sod replied, “I WILL FIND IT!”
The tumbleweed that was the possibility of a civilized discussion was now set ablaze, metaphorically speaking.
“I would give you Star-Swirl’s spell myself,” Twilight sardonically stated to the general, “But it was ripped in half during my battle with Starlight.”
“Aha!” General Sod loudly exclaimed, “Another reason why you’re too incompetent to sit on that throne! Not even Celestia would have done something so foolish as to leave that spell unguarded! And then you had the nerve to take that menace Starlight under your wing!”
“Need I remind you that Starlight and her friends rescued us all after we were all kidnapped by the changelings?” Twilight asked.
“Hey!” Sod shouted, “Me and my regiment were asleep at the time! And if we were up and early, we would have annihilated the b-”
Tired of Sod’s ramblings, Twilight conjured a bit of magic over the general’s mouth. Ignoring his now-muffled shouting, Twilight turned to the former reporter pony.
“And what’s your excuse for committing treason?” Twilight asked.
“Well, I took a visit to my local psychic and I was unimpressed with what I saw,” the reporter pony replied, “First off, you will look like a palette swap of your former mentor. Secondly, world peace is impossible and yet all the creatures in all the lands are now seemingly friends with one another, which leads me to believe that you will resort to some extreme methods to make every single living creature friends. And don’t get me started on how you haven’t aged a day, apart from the aforementioned change in your physical appearance, while your friends are in their late fifties. Speaking of your friends, could you tell me how it’s possible for two elderly ponies to have a baby even though one’s unmentionables do have an expiration date?”
Twilight looked at the reporter pony with a mix of confusion and bemusement before putting her hoof to her forehead and sighing. Was it any wonder this guy lost his job?
“To answer your question about me turning into another Celestia,” Twilight replied, “There is a biological process alicorns go through called the Divine Transfiguration. Instead of getting old, they become taller and more majestic over time. Also, what makes you think we can’t have world peace?”
“I just told you,” the reporter pony said, “It’s impossible. Want to know how impossible true friendship and world peace is? Your student in the future doesn’t want to make friends. And not only that, she considers it a waste of time. Doesn’t sound like the kind of attitude one has when growing up after the Windigos were defeated by everypony uniting, don’t you think?”
“So you’re blaming me for two things that are out of my control?” Twilight asked, “That’s your excuse for staging a coup against me?”
“That’s not all!” General Sod shouted, his face inexplicably free of Twilight’s magic, “Now this is something you can take responsibility for! You have not given Discord his due punishment for releasing Cozy Glow and Tirek from Tartarus and yet you ALLOWED him to pick the punishment for the fiends that he released in the first place!”
“Since he had good intentions, which is more than what I can say for the previous times he caused trouble, I let it slide,” Twilight replied.
“See!” Sod exclaimed, “This is why we need a strong leader like Celestia! She would never pardon crooks so willy-nilly!”
Twilight just stared at Sod in disbelief, “You do know it was Celestia’s idea to reform Discord in the first place, right?”
“That’s different!” Sod replied arrogantly, “There was a mass breakout in Tartarus and we needed someone to round up all the prisoners! What? Do you think we could do that all by ourselves?!”
“Yes,” Twilight bluntly replied.
Before Sod could retort, he realized he couldn’t think of anything to say regarding his, the army, and the Royal Guard’s ineffectualness regarding threats that only Twilight and her friends can stop.
“Quick question,” the reporter pony butted in, “You gave felons like Starlight Glimmer, Fizzlepop Berrytwist A.K.A Tempest Shadow, and even Celestia’s pupil before you a second chance and yet you couldn’t even get a little filly like Cozy Glow to change her ways. How’s that?”
“First off, I’m not entirely sure she’s a filly,” Twilight replied, “And secondly, I tried to teach her friendship but she just saw it as a means to an end.”
“And how did you figure that out?” the reporter pony asked, “Couldn’t you have done the same thing you did with Discord?”
“Here’s the difference between Cozy and Discord,” Twilight replied, “Discord didn’t have friends before Fluttershy and therefore didn’t know how to make them. Cozy Glow is a natural at making friends but she only saw friendship as power.”
“That doesn’t explain how you found out about her true nature,” the reporter pony said.
“Tirek told me,” Twilight said.
“Behold!” Sod announced, “She didn’t even give a child a chance to change her ways and yet allowed two fully-grown adults to reform even though they had their entire lives to do so!”
“This is why we need a more natural leader,” Blueblood said while postering.
“I couldn’t agree more!” Sod exclaimed, unaware that Blueblood was talking about himself, “As soon as we get this time-spell, we will gather the people to join together and place Celestia and Luna’s flanks back on those thrones!”
“The same people that have thanked me and my friends for saving them from being frozen solid?” Twilight dryly asked.
“They are only thankful now!” Sod replied, “And while we are but a small army, we will grow bigger in numbers to the point that those still loyal to you will be a minority while we will be the majority!”
Twilight scoffed, “And how are you going to do that? Make a petition?”
“No, because those things don’t work,” Sod matter-of-factly replied, “Instead, we shall band together and defeat Tirek, Cozy Glow, Chrysalis, and the Windigos by ourselves with no assistance from you or any of your friends! We will use our knowledge of the future to properly guide Celestia and Luna to achieve victory and true peace throughout all the land! As well as to punish Discord for his transgressions, of course.”
“And what if the princesses don’t want any part of this and just want to move on?” Twilight asked.
“Then we will make them our eternal rulers whether they like it or not,” Sod replied as he tried to move closer to Twilight, “Because if you think that after all the cult leaders and war criminals you pardoned, after all the calamities you and your friends caused, after everything this country has been through for the last ten years that we’re gonna sit idly by and leave your keister on that throne, YOU’RE NUTS!”
“I don’t mean any disrespect against Celestia,” Twilight said through gritted teeth, “But do you really think me and my friends are responsible for the very problems we fix when Celestia herself is responsible for freeing Nightmare Moon?”
“And how do you know that?” the reporter pony asked.
“She told me not that long ago,” Twilight replied, “And since then, she has left it to me and my friends to save Equestria time and time again.”
“All in your quest to take what is mine by birthright, I imagine,” Blueblood said arrogantly.
“Did I ever ask to become an alicorn?” Twilight asked, “Or for the likely possibility that I might outlive my friends even though Celestia told me I won’t? You know that Grand Galloping Gala Discord was invited to? Celestia counted on him to do something chaotic just to liven things up! So if you think I would make an irresponsible ruler and an unworthy successor to Celestia, then I don’t know what to say to you! Especially since Celestia herself has groomed me to be her successor ever since she took me on as her protege.”
“With all due respect, Miss Sparkle,” Blueblood stated haughtilly, “Just because Celestia herself picked you doesn’t mean you are a worthy successor. The owner of my favourite theatre productions passed on the mantle to somepony else and her plays are appalling compared to the ones by her predecessor. And considering I am Celestia’s nephew, fifty-two times removed, it should have been me she picked. Not some common bookworm.”
“Okay, you know what?” Twilight said as she pointed at Blueblood, “Eat shit.”
Everypony gasped in shock, with Blueblood fainting not long afterwards.
“Eat shit,” Twilight said as she pointed at Sod and random members of his small army, “Eat shit. Eat shit.”
“You entitled ass!” one of the prisoners shouted.
“I will wipe that smug smile off your face!” the reporter pony shouted.
“Definitely eat shit,” Twilight said as she pointed at the reporter pony, a smirk crawling up her face as she did so, “Eat shit. Eat shit. You can all eat shit.”
As if to emphasize her point, she teleported in a chocolate cake moulded specifically like dog shit and served it to the general and his underlings on a silver platter before teleporting out of the room herself.
“I’M NOT EATING ONE IOTA OF SHIT!” Sod yelled loudly.