The drama of a t.v courtroom lawyer show... Ponyfied... Well... It's more like franklin and bash...
The following are true fictional accounts of possibly heinous crimes allegedly committed by pastel ponies. The following is rated T for sex, drugs, rock n roll, a little violence and some language that would probably make fluttershy cry. Read at your own discretion.
Magna Carta is a proud pegasus practitioner of law. He enjoys the finer things like coffee, comfy chairs, and arguing. He's a little young, and a bit inexperienced but that doesn't stop blind lady justice from throwing him some curve ball cases. These the stories of those cases.
In the criminal justice system, ponies are represented by two seperate but equally important groups. The guards who investigate crimes, and the ponies who prosecute the offenders. These are stories of the later.
My name is Magna Carta. I am a graduate of the Hayvard Law University in Canterlot. My father was a guard, he always told me that peace, harmony, and justice are what keeps our world afloat. I wanted to be a guard. Like him. But I have this thing about fighting and... ugh... Blood... I've always been better with my words than with my hooves. I became addicted to reading, the law of Equestria I found to be quite enthralling. I had no idea we had laws to cover such... Well... Diabolical crimes, I didn't even know these crimes exsited! Rape, murder, necromancy, inspiring chaos, conspiracy to insight chaos, and many other crimes were completely alien to me until law school. As it turns out though... Equestria isn't the sparkling land I thought is was... After I graduated I established myself as a freelance attorney, I prefered prosecuting but defending the innocent is the most important thing. This brings me to today. Today I got a letter from a pony named berry punch...
Dear Mr. Lawyer Colt Pony
My name is Berry Punch and I need your help. I've been arrested for... Well I don't really remember what, this last week has been kinda fuzzy... Well, actually REALLY fuzzy... But I do know I didn't do it! You know my sister, my sister cherilee, so I hope you can help me... Maybe for freeish? It's not that I can't pay you, it's just that I have this fine thingingy... Oh wait... Could you get that waved? If you could that'd be great! Yeah that sounds good, getme outta jail, get this thing off my record and loose my dumb finey thing. That'd be super. Please and thanks
Yours,
Berry Punch
Oh goodness... Not Cherilee... You're, you're wondering why I'm cringing huh? *sigh* story time, here's the short; Back in law school I knew a mare who I kinda slept with... Allot, as in she was at my dorm everynight and my roomate ended up just keeping a sleeping sack out in the hall... Or was it a pull out bed in the wall? Hmm... Anyway,turns out she was about ten years my senior and a teacher to boot. She was my first... Well... Everything, and I get the feeling we almost, kinda sorta, almost slipped on the blanket of holy matromony... 'Cept well... Along with my thing about blood, I have this thing about mares...
Don't get me wrong! I'm not a 'playa' I only date one mare at a time! I'm just kinda scared of divorces... If you worked in my field, you would be too... I'm just kinda... Absolutely terrified of commiting to one...
Oh sure, yeah we exchanged "I love you"s between moans in the heat of it but I didn't expect for me(or her for that matter) To start meaning it! Who can?! So, one day I said I'd want to meet up, and then never really did... I've avoided her ever sense... I just kinda forgot one funny caviot of going into business...
I'm in the book.
So here I am now, a letter sitting on my desk from the sister of the mare who I sorta fell in love with, ran away from, and swore I'd forget about but never got around to actually forgetting her...
And she wants my help.
On the one hoof, I'm just starting out on my own. I have to take what I can get to pay my bills and well, eat. On the other... it's her sister... Who, if I recall correctly was a drunk, and most likely has a case against her with enough evidence to build a bridge to the moon... Winning could be Faust-Damned impossible case to win... And I [really/i] hate losing.
I could ignore the letter, but then I wouldn't get the chance to see her again...
Errr, not that I- T-terribly want to...
I'm serious...
I don't.
Stop looking at me like that!
Seriously! It's not like that!
Fine! You want me to answer the damn letter? I'll answer the damn letter!
Dear Ms.Punch
-I'm-honored-thrilled-happy-pleased- I appreciate that you -see-feel- consider me apt to be your legal representation in this matter. By the time you get this letter, I'll have begun my trip to ponyville. I look forward to -seeing-defending-going through- clearing this matter up. I feel this case will be resolved shortly and we both can promptly put this all behind us. I will hasten to ponyville a.s.a.p, have the guard give my phoenix a treat if they can. I am confident we will be able to settle this -matter- affair quickly and have you home for dinner.
Yours
Magna Carta, Attorney at Law
That sounded alright... I think... Does It sound ok to you?
Who am I even talking to...
Whatever... All that's left is to tie this message to pyrelights ankle and... Dread for the best...
My name is Magna Carta. I like coffee, apples, comfy chairs, and apparently... Older mares.
Fun, Fun...
Arriving In ponyville, and a great and powerful run in.
It had been about a day sense I sent my response to Ms.Berry Punch, I had to plan my flight path to Ponyville (my little law firm, well it's less of a firm and more of a lavishly decorated office... A small, lavishly decorated office... Was based in Canterlot which was quite a deal of flight time. I needed to plot [heh... Oh yeah, you'll get this later] rests stops...)Or so I thought... Then I remembered the train...
So I took the train. I shared a nice car with it appeared only one other pony, a mare who I knew from law school.
"Trixie? Trixie is that you?"
The little blue mare raised her head almost timidly out of the seat, looking back at me with a what seemed like a mix of hope and dread.
"M? That really you? It's... Nice to see you, you can keep walking if you'd like."
"What? Keep walking? You kidding?"
"Of course not... The..."
She took a deep breath and smiled at me
"The great and powerful Trrixxie NEVER kids!"
"Great and powerful who now?"
"What?! You mean you don't KNOW?!"
She told me everything. _______________________________________________________________________________________
"You stopped an Ursa MAJOR?!"
"Was there ever any doubt?"
"My-Oh my... Wow Trix..."
"It was nothing really, just saved a whole town, no big."
"No I mean... Wow..."
"How did you-"
"Lulled it to sleep. All it needed was a nap, what a baby right?"
"So why's this car empty? I'd think that you being so popular-"
"I had the ponies in charge keep all ponies out. Signing autographs is probably the only thing more tiring than exterminating an Ursa..."
"I can imagine..."
"No, you really can't."
"So..."
"Yes well, where exactly are you doing?"
"Oh I'm just a lawyer. I'm on my way to Ponyville to deal with what I'm betting is a DnD."
"Haha! You still play?!"
"Haha, nooo! A drunk and disorderly... Do you?"
We both looked away, I still played allot of diamonds and dogs. But, I mean, Trixie was a big monster slayer now, I couldn't tell her I still played that nerds game...
Not that if you play Dnd it makes you a nerd...
Not that nerds dont play dnd...
Why do you always need this justification?
Leave me alone.
"Wait... Did you just say Ponyville?!"
"Uhh, yeah... It's the last stop... The next stop..."
"WHAT?!"
She was now panicked, what the hay could be in Ponyville to make an Ursa hunter panicked?! What had I gotten myself into?!
"Nonono! We CAN'T go to Ponyville! I REFUSE to face, to face, to face that bitch!"
"What bitch? What's in Ponyville?"
"A HUUUUUUUUGE bitch! Ugh I can't stand that Twilight Sparkle!"
Twilight Sparkle... I heard that name before...
" 'Oh look at me, I'm Twilight Sparkle, I'm a nervous shut in bookworm, whore! Who sucks Celestia's big fat-"
She seized my head with her magic and yanked it down into her tiny booth
"She is evil. Do you understand? That mare is as vile as they come. You don't trust her for a minute alright?... Do you have a hood or something I could wear till I can catch the next train out of Ponyville?"
"Uhhhmmm-"
"Oh I know you do, you always carried one."
And just like in school, Trixie just rummaged through my bag like it was hers and pulled out what she needed... And just like in school she was right. I had brought a burlap cloak, just in case. She slipped it on and just like in school, she looked kinda cute.
"Can you see my face?"
"No but-"
"Good. I'm bunking with you tonight."
"Uhhhmmm-"
"Glad to hear it."
And so now I had a black mage. I couldn't help but feeling my party was a little light on defenders... Oh goddess I needed to stop playing dnd... ________________________________________
I was staying with the family that owned the local sweet store called 'sugar cube corner' it was a pretty quaint place. Heavy on the smell of cupcakes and there were weird sounds coming from the basement, but I suspected it was the lovely couple simply showing me some friendly respect. Trixie seemed to be shooken up by the place and headed upstairs, taking everything I save my briefcase, which she probably would have had it not been secured to my side. Which left me to find where somepony keeps their prisoners... A town with no jail... Well... Actually that was pretty common in Equestria, as far as I knew only Canterlot and Manehattan had one... And Detrot, but it was Detrot they always had had one. I decided to ask the first pony I saw, a pink pony who was walking out of the basement.
"Hello, uhm I'm-
"Magna carta! I'm Pinkypie! Hey what's your favorite number?" ________________________________
Well... Last time I ever talk to that one again. After telling her my favorite number was twenty-one she proceeded to guess why. Then, after deducing I like blackjack, she went off on a tangent on how she preferred lil' pip. Who the feather was lil'pip? Then she went on to explain that she was pleased to meet me and I should prepare for a surprise, but I shouldn't prepare too much or that would ruin the fun of it, but she knew I didn't like surprises so much(how did she know that?) and gave me a cupcake for my heart condition(how did she know that?! Furthermore, how the hay does a cupcake help a heart condition?!) And then went on and on about her friends, most of it was too fast for me to follow, but I did get that the pony to see around here for information was Twilight Sparkle, which I was kinda hesitant about but then she told "Don't worry, Trixie just has sour grapes... Or maybe a sour shake? Sourgrapes, sourshake, sourgrapes, sourshake..." And that seemed to catch her in a loop. Which gave me time to escape to... A tree...
Not that I don't like trees Trees are cool... Can't you just leave me alone? ... SHUTUP!
*knock, knock, knock*
>Spike! Answer the door!< >Why?< >Because I'm expecting somepony!< >Who are you expecting?< >Discord! Who does it matter? Just answer the door please!< >Ok, ok alright.<
The door opened up and there was a little purple dragon. A little, baby, purple dragon... A dragon...
Surprisingly enough, there was already a hole in the ceiling I found myself flying through in my panicked response to the DRAGON IN THE DOOR!
"Good thing we didn't get to fixing that after the last time Rainbow crashed through... Anyway, who are you?"
"I'm Magna Carta, I was told to come see you for information on the case..."
"Oh yeah, Pinky told me you'd be coming."
"How could she, I just-"
"She told me this afternoon. Said that her tail twitched but it didn't feel like it would actually happen till later on today... And she was right..."
"How could she-"
"I don't understand it. Science can't explain it. She says she gets a look at the script before the episode comes out."
"What the hay does that even-"
"I don't know anymore, I just trust her enough to just believe her."
"Riiiight..."
"Well Berry is staying with her sister Cherilee, so that's where-"
I was out before she finished. I had crashed through the ceiling in a new place and decided to fly to the cube (that really wasn't so much a cube as a circle) and figured my best option was to get in my best fitting suit and head over... Which was actually a terrible idea... Because when I got back I discovered...
"I unpacked all your things M, you didn't bring any with you."
"Nooooo!!! T-this just isn't possible! I-I left them... I left them at home... No..."
"What? it's just a-"
"If you finish that sentence... We're gonna have a problem..."
"Why?! This-is-ridiculous."
"This is the worst possible thing, I don't have a damn thing to wear to court!"
"And? We are ponies. We are without clothes 90% of the time! This is stupid!"
"You're stupid! You don't understand! The suit is a trademark of a lawyer! I-if I don't have one... I-I won't be able to face my client, o-or go to court o-or function in the real world! I-I'll have to go into exile! Become a hermit! Th-th-this is just-"
"Oh goddess! Enough!"
*Ding-Dong*
"Who's that?"
"You get it! I'm no good without a suit!"
I felt the best option at the moment was to hide under the bed and look out upon the unsuspecting world. The suit I came in was covered in rubble from breaking through the roof in the library tree! I couldn't face anypony in this condition! Well, cept trix, but that's because she's had known me before I had suits. Ugh... Those were truly dark days. When she came back, I was in awe, of two wonderful, resplendent things.
1; A lovely marshmallow colored mare with a mane like a wave of purple sexy 2;And the rack of debonair, splendorous, wonderful suits that looked all for me, I hoped they were all for me anyway...
"I felt a disturbance in the ebb of fashion! I came as soon as I could! Where is the colt in need of suits?"
"There, under the bed, hiding from-"
"The world! Ohhh I knew I was dealing with a professional! Come here darling, momma's got a clean new suit for you."
I wasn't sure what had happened, but it seemed this pretty mare had made me into a shy puppy... Or maybe a cat of some sort. I don't know, all I know was trix was giving me a disapproving look from under the hood. It was just one of those things you didn't need to see, you just kinda knew they were looking at you funny. How could she understand?!
How can YOU understand! YOU can't! That's how! Wait...
Ok, let me explain. You see, when I was just a young foal, my father told me "Mags ma boy, a mans uniform, well, it's a symbol of his rank, his pride, his..." "Natural dominance in society?" 'Haha, no mahboy, women rule our society, the word is masculinity. Well without a uniform a stallion mine-as-well just... Well, you're to young to know what happen to stallions who fail at life son. Just know this, find your uniform. Search the cosmos for that one- special article of barding that makes you truly happy... And wear the shit out of it."
So you see, I did that! I looked around Canterlot, Manehattan, Cloudsdale, Fillydelphia, hell in Detrot... I hate Detrot! But I looked all over... And then, on a skywagon ride back from the summer sun celebration in Canterlot I saw it... Just, sitting there... It was love at first sight...
A moving van, it had dropped a box out the back and it hit a cloud and spilled open, sending the contents spilling out... And my one true love fell, right on my head
It was beautiful. And soft. And warm, yet cool... And... It was cool, really, really, reallly cool... Maybe about 20% cooler that anything else I'd seen before... I just felt so drawn to her, to her and those suits... I found myself just barely fluttering off the ground, floating ever closer to a dream come true.
"Thaaat's it~ Who's a good pegasus? It's you! Would you like these suits? I think they'd look good on you."
"Really?"
"Ohhhh yes! Go ahead, try one on!"
And so I did it. ______________________________________
"This! is THE BEST fit I've ever had for... For anything! Goodness how did you know?"
"Ohh pishaw! It was nothing truly."
"But how did you know my measurements? Or my favorite color... Or that my favorite color looks terrible on me?"
"A little pinky told me."
"T-That's-"
"If you're going to be staying here indefinately, learn to just trust pinkie, she's never wrong... A little off, but never wrong... Well... Yeah mostly never wrong."
"Yeah... I'm starting to get that... So what do I owe you?"
"Well you're defending Berry Punch right? I suppose... A promise will suffice."
Wait... A-A promise? Seven suits, seven awesome, spectacular, well fitted, tailor made by a luscious marshmallow of a mare and... She wanted a promise...
"Uhhmmm... Sure?"
"Just do you're best. I admit I don't know berry very well but still, I know she didn't do this. She couldn't have. Berrys' a drunk, not a thug."
"I-I'll Do that, yeah of course..."
Then something lovely happened. She kissed my cheek. Her lips pressed against my cheek, puckered and planted a flag of what smelled like grapes and lavender on my cheek...
What the HELL was Trixie talking about?! This place was great!
"Uhhma uhmm errr-"
"You know, for luck and all that... Oh! And if you could maybe just spread the word about Carousel Boutique to all your friends? I'd appreciate that too! Farewell now!"
And, I couldn't help but have some mixed feeling as I watched her diamond studded plot trot out the door I had forgotten existed.
"Hello? Equestria to Mag, Equestria to Mag! Are you listening? Of course not. No Cause you never do. If I walked around like a nymponiac like her would you pay more attention to me?"
I didn't even get her name...
" 'ohhh my name is rarity~ I'm soooo british! Look at me with my diamonds, and jewls, and fashion, and astounding abbility to give everything away! And my marshmallow coat! And my inviting eyes and precarious ways!'"
Leave it to Trix to get me a name by preforming a poor bit of impersonation...
"Rarity..."
You know... I know my mind should be on Berry, or Cherilee, or the impossible pink pony who seemed to know everything about me when I hadn't even met her till a few hours ago... But...
Ok, so after my crisis of suit-dentity I found that maybe I had been ignoring a couple of pressing matters.
1; I actually had a client to meet 2; I had a client to defend in a case I'm positive she'd lose 3; Dat plot... 4; I had to find where in the hay the courthouse was... This was a town with maybe... five buildings big enough to hold court and one of them was a bakery and the other was a tree... 5; I had to deal with Cherilee... 6;Cherilee...
So... Maybe more than a couple things, but to be honest a few of those things could be handled later. For now, I needed to handle that thing about the courthouse...
"Trixie... Could you tell me where I can find a courthouse?"
"Hmmm well, let's use our brains. There's a large structure in the middle of town that is lavishly decorated in a light classical way... Called town hall[/i. Everypony goes there for issues pertaining to the town... ]Where do you think it is?"
"Uhhh-"
"Exactly. You didn't. So, if you don't mind, The great and powerful Trixie must have her power nap. Go win, And pick me up a train schedule while you're out."
"I don't get why you're so opposed to going out. It's a lovely town. The ponies are a little crazy but they seem alright."
"That's cause you're an idiot. You don't see what I can, with my years of sniffing out eeeevil. I'm leaving on the next train, you should to."
"Well... I kinda have-"
"You-should-leave on the next train. Trust you're old friend, this can only end badly."
She might have been right... She usually was... But I was an officer... Err... Practitioner of the law! I needed to do my job! That... I didn't really get payment for... Wait no... Damnit! The suits constituted as payment! These ponies... Were very tricky...
"I'm getting you a schedule, but I'll bring you a cupcake when I come back up."
"Whatever..."
Trixie hopped up on the bed and just decided to take a nap I guess. I stepped out of the door to only be met by pinkiepie...
"Oh goddess no-"
"Hey M.c! How's you're stay? Feeling at home yet?"
"Uhhh not quite..."
"Ohhh is it the creepy babies? Yeahhh I LOVE those two! Don't pay them much mind, I'm sure they won't eat you're sheets or anything... Well Pumpkin might, but its alllll guuud!"
"Right... So, I hate pinkie but do you know where they would maybe, hold a court hearing? It's not like-"
"Town hall."
"... Town hall."
"Yup Town hall."
"Ok... Thanks."
"Anytime."
That was...
"CompletelyOOCofmeIKNOOOOOWbutI'mkindasickofyoujuststaringatplotsandbeinglike 'omg look at her butt' causeImeanreallyhowinterestingcanabuttbe? Oh! andnottomentionhowyou'resupposedtobeintoCherileebutIthinkyouhaveathingforTrixietoobutanywayIjustwannaseehowdarkthisstorycanget!"
Of course... Couldn't leave this place without one of these... __________________________________________________________
So, like pinky said, the town hall was indeed where the court hearing against Ms. Punch was to be held, now... To find Ms.Punch... Twilight told me she was with Cherilee... So that would mean going to the school... And seeing her kids, well not her kids exactly but kids that was teaching... I hate kids... I really, really, really hope Twilight was wrong!
I took to the skies to make my travel time faster, these things must be done like band aids they say, quickly and painfully...
By the way, did you know they have battering rams in the skies of ponyville shaped like cyan pegasi?
So... Yeah, eventful... Other than that my flight was rather peaceful, no more battering rams. Fun! Any who, It's hard to describe the skies of ponyville. It's different from manehattan or canterlot. The skies are always full of pegasi rushing around to some job, or some high society meeting...
Not here...
The skie is as blue and clear like the ocean on a sunny day. You can see the ground clearly, which is kinda rare. I could point out every individual pony. Then I saw the school, it would be another minute till i got there but it was quite a cute little place, very... Towny...
Yeah, towny... I landed just next to the place, looked in through a window. Cherilee was at the front of the class, giving a lecture on what looked liked butterflies... She would, I mean I only knew Cherilee as a sexual deviant but I mean, she was a teacher. When I found out I had guessed she was a lovely pony... I thought she'd be the type to teach fillies and foals about butterflies...
ok children, we'll continue this after recess, go have fun!
*RIIIIIINNNNNNGGGGG*
For who the bell tolls...
Band aid Band aid Band aid
"Oh... Mags... Hello... W-W-What are you-"
"Band Aid!"
"You... need a band aid?"
Smooth Carta, so smooth, so smooth in fact, your cutie mark should be an oil spill... In the middle of an ocean...
"Uhhh... No... I uhmm... Y-you're sister sent me a letter an I-"
"Ugh, of course she would! I told her not to, but she did anyway! I'd say she drives me to drink but she does enough of that for the two of us! ugh... W-why did you answer it? How did you even read it?"
"She may have had dictated it..."
"But... I mean, last we talked..."
"Yeah... Sorry about that..."
"About what? About lying? Or having to see me again..."
"Uh-"
"Or maybe about all the time you missed out on?"
"Uh-"
"All the happiness we might have had!"
"Uh-"
"STOP SAYING 'UH'!"
Yup... Band aid...
"I-"
"Don't you dare say you didn't mean to!"
"Ok..."
"You know, you could have just said 'we shouldn't see each other' or maybe 'hey, maybe we should break up' or hell! I would have taken 'you're too old for me' over just having me wait at the hedge maze for twelve hours!"
"I didn't want to-"
"It rained you know..."
"What?"
"I stood in the rain..."
"I didn't-"
"Of course you didn't know! You never knew!"
"..."
I don't think either of us heard the door open...
"Ms.Cherilee?"
The most heart wrenching southern voice questioned behind me somewhere... This is why I hate kids...
They have a funny way of making you feel even worse about the shit you've done...
"Go outside applebloom. The 'grown ups' are talking..."
They way she said grown ups... We weren't grown ups... She was a woman and I was the punk kid who really shouldn't have answered that celestia damned letter...
'B-but Ms.Cherilee..."
"Go outside!"
She didn't raise her voice, she just kinda... Used a teacher voice... It's not like raising her voice... It's a little different... I knew it from time when... Well... Those private moments...
"O-ok..."
The door closed and we were alone again...
Goddess did I hate being alone, being wrapped in guilt...
I guess this is what it's like to sit in a cell, criminal verdict given... Knowing all that's ahead of you is death...
This is pain like no other...
Now of course I'm not gonna die but...
But...
But man did I want to...
"So... My sister... That's who you're looking for?"
"..."
"She's most likely at the town hall. Behind bars."
Idiot! Of course! They would keep her detained until somepony could post her bail! I should have guessed! Ugh! Twilight! No can't blame her, you should have checked anyway! It's your fucking job!
"Y-you didn't post her bail?"
"Nope. I honestly think she did it, that lousy drunk."
"W-what d-did she do?"
"Apparently she assaulted some guard. She says that he made the first move."
"What?!"
"Yeah, she's looking at banishment."
"I-I gotta go! See ya cherry!"
Oh no...
"Did you just-?"
"Yes... Yes I did..."
And I was out the door faster than you can say sent to the moon...
That last encounter would haunt me for the rest of my days, but I couldn't think about that now. Right now I had a job to do. To the town hall it was. I didn't really get to admire the scenery as I jetted through the little hamlet this time around, I was much to in a rush, I had to get to town hall. I had to stop... Well... Stalling, I think part of me was dreading trying to take on this case, from what I came to understand about Berry was that she was... Well...
A drunk...
That's not exactly against the law, nor does it make her any less deserving of representation but... It did virtually destroy her credibility, and as far as this looked, it was the word of guard versus that of a know alcoholic... The only way to know what card I could play would be to find out her story... Which I was dreading would point to her trying to charge a guard with a crime he didn't exactly commit... Or worse, maybe a crime he did commit, and knew that he could get away with... It wasn't common but I'd occasionally see a story where a guard did some questionable things and the only witness or the so called victim was somepony of ill repute... They would usually win...
I was really hoping this was just a big misunderstanding... _____________________________________________
"Hey Berry, your lawyer's here!"
"About time!"
I trotted into the place, and I was actually surprised I hadn't remembered it. This was the same place where Nightmare Moon made her return. And, in a make shift cell was the off magenta pony who had enlisted my aid.
"I'm sorry I took so long I was... Gathering evidence..."
No chair. Had to stand.
"Well why not just come here? There isn't any evidence. Just my word 'gainst his."
"... What..."
"Well, and a solid five witness' who won't testify."
"...What? Ok, uhmm let's just... Uhmm run down the night in question. Tell me everything you told the guards, exactly what you told them... And maybe anything you didn't tell them, but they probably know, I hate surprises."
"Ok well it all started last night... No... Two nights ago..."
Oh here we go... ________________________________________________________
It was late and me and the girls had gone out partying...
"Iiiii think you've had enough to drink B..."
"You shult yourb ears... No... Mouth! Yeah, mouth! you shut your legs colgate! I'm not as drunk as I am you think!"
"Yeah sure..."
Ok yeah I was drunk, but I still could stand! That's better than lots of other times! So then we were about to leave when...
"Hey berry, you look pretty tipsy. Need some help?"
He touched my ass! Like, blatantly touched my ass! I mean I was a little uneasy but He seriously felt me up! It's ok Berry, just keep going...
"Uhhmmm... Hey there polished saber uhmm, we can get her from-"
"Nawwww it's ok! Let a guard handle this!"
"Listen Saber! We got this! Just step off O.K!"
Goodness, Colgate is such a dear isn't she? She was a true friend. Please though, continue...
"Or what?"
"I'll bleatestfy the pliss out of you ya big-"
And then I hit him. Wait... So... You really did hit him? While drunk? Yes. Why? Is that important? Yes! T-The charges against you are assaulting a uniformed guard! He was on duty! No he wasn't... ...What? Yeah. It was after his shift. We were at pinkie pie's social drinkathon... Adults only... No uniforms allowed... Berry... This is very important... Was he in uniform. Even if he wasn't SUPPOSED to be in uniform, was he? No. He came and signed up for the last stallion standing drink-em-up... Big Mac always wins that one... What a fine hunk of- Berry! We've won! But... We haven't even... Don't you need to know the rest of the story? No I don't! And you won't have to! __________________________________
"Berry, do you know what a loop hole is?"
"Uhhmmm hold on, don't tell me I know this one..."
"It's the lawyers bread and butter. The charges against you are assaulting a uniformed officer, and public drunkenness. The first is the one that could get you a long time in some far off land. The second gets you-"
"Eight months probation, supervised outings, and no cyder if you're still on probation, alcoholic or otherwise."
She was beaming, she was proud she knew that... I mean... Whatever! I won!
"Exactly! You see, no matter how bad you beat this guy up, he wasn't in uniform. Long as he can breathe, you're free to go."
"Really? Y-you're joking?"
"How bad did you hit this guy?"
"Uhmm... I nailed him in the face with my face... And I think I gave him a black eye... So... A dislocated jaw and a black eye..."
"Yeah... I have the utmost confidence I can exploit the crap out of this. Thanks Berry, you just litterally brightened up my day!"
"Well... You're welcome? When do I get to leave?"
"Uhmmm... You may still be here till somepony can post your bail... I can get you out of the charges, but I'm not sure I can get you out of that cell... Does anypony owe you-"
"Yeah! Cherry Jubilee! She owes me some royalties from that wine recipe I gave her!"
Gave away a wine recipe... D-did she know nothing of business?
"Did you give it to her, or did you come to an oral agreement?"
"That last one."
"Did this get written down anywhere?"
"I think Twilight still has the napkin we signed..."
Ohhh earth ponies...
"I'll look into it. See you soon Ms.Punch."
"Yeah, buh-bye."
As I fluttered out the doors of the spacious town hall I could swear I heard her comment about a possible wing-boner...
Pegasi don't get wing boners... Seriously... We don't... Well... It takes a hell of a mare to inspire a wing boner... ... Leave me alone... ______________________
As it turns out the judge was the mayor, not to surprising, many hamlet towns like ponyville have some kind of tribal chieftain who acts as both leader and judiciary in matters such as this. As ponyville was an earth pony made community I would expect no less.
Not that earth ponies are bad... They aren't... I know a few earth ponies... They're o.k with my jokes...
"You know, you shouldn't talk to yourself like that."
"Ahh! Pinkie!"
"Yeah I mean like, it's a pretty poor attempt at forth wall humor."
"Forth wall wha-"
"So did you find berry?"
"Yeah I did she's gonna get off on a-"
"Loop!"
"Yeah how did you-'"
"No! Look! Loop!"
She twisted my head around to see a little yellow filly spinning a loop around, and around and around, with a little white unicorn and an orange pegasi on her flank.
Not on her flank but, you know, beside her Hey! Can i talk to myself in here too? Hellooooooo~ Echo! Ohhoho it sure is empty in here! Pinkypie?! How in the hell?! So when do things get dark? it's says it's dark and comedy and romance! Soo... Where's the dead fillies? W-Wha-?! I-I don't even- Don't try to meme yourself out of this! Answer the question! Get out of my head!
This went on for some time... In infernal agony I argued with pinkpie... In my own head... It was possibly the most terrifying experience of my life... __________________________________________________
After the pinkypie mind rape, I found the mayor. She was in what seemed to be a makeshift judges chambers. It was basically an office that had been done up in leather and mahogany. It was actually quite impressive for the little pony town.
"Oh! Hello there! I'm Mayor Mare, or uh. Ahem, Court Magistrate Mare! heho!"
I bowed, as per general rules of entering a chamber of a judge... Because generally the judge was a princess and you didn't tend to not bow for one...
"Hello your honor, I'm berry punches lawyer. I found a technicality in the charges that I-"
"Ohhh I know that! She still has to go to court! I didn't do up my office like this, or buy these judge-y things to not use them! She'll walk on the whole not in uniform thing. but I still want my day in court! We're convened at four sharp! be there, or be square Mr.Carta!"
"Uhhmmm Your honor... It's four-thirty..."
"Oh my! Go! Go! Shoo! I need to change! You're late!"
Why did I need to leave the room for her to put on a black blanket and what looked like an old donkey's wig? I mean... Seriously, that was her supplies, what appeared to be a black blanket or sheet, and a taupe...
These ponies are indeed, crazy... Apparently in the all of a minute I had been in the 'judges chambers' the main room of the town hall had been redecorated with benches, and guard ropes to keep civilians back, and a very angry looking berry punch... I fluttered to her side, only slightly ashamed I had kinda lied to her...
"You said I wouldn't see the inside of a-"
"This isn't a proper courtroom. Don't try to out squirm me. I'm the squirmiest."
"The squirmiest?"
"The squirmiest..."
A big red stallion stepped out from the judges chambers, How did I miss him in there?! I swear He looked like he could have been a cow he was so built... He had a green apple, half eaten or cut in half not sure which, for a cutie mark... Apples... Hmmm...
Aeyup... E'ry pony. Uhh, stay standin... The honorable judge; Mayor; Mare will be seein ovah this case...
WE LOVE YOU BIG MAC!!!!!!!
Aeyup...
"Good afternoon everypony."
The mayor was standing roughly where nightmare moon stood not too long ago, on a raised balcony that I could only assume had view of the entire... Ugh, courtroom...
"Where's the prosecution?"
Uhh... Yer honor.. Seein as how ya told them guards that they had no case... They din't botha with a lawyer...
What? What?! I looked at berry and she just shrugged at me. I had to deal with cherilee, and a mind rapist for no action in court to blow off this steam?! Not a single Objection?! Not a single cross examination?!
Deeply inspired by nobreiner's Noblelicious chapter from his story The noble guardians... I give you suits... Thank you NPH... Wherever you are... ________________________________________________________________________________
So... I mean... That was it... It was seriously that... I-I had at least expected some kind of fight... But no... Now I'm left with a whole day free... Turns out though, pyrelight came back from my place in enough time to deliver me my meager earnings from the royal court( cheapskates... please don't send me to the moon!) and that gave me some playing room for bits... I didn't have much to do, the next train to canterlot wasn't coming for at least another two hours. Sooo I had only a hoof-full of things I could do.
1: Hang out with Trix(not the best plan given she doesn't want to go anywhere...) 2: Talk to cherilee(let's set this on the after burner shall we?) 3: Read(reading is good) 4: Dat plot... 5: Do some legal work... 6:Go get coffee... I could use a coffee... 7: Lead the town in a song about my single most favorite thing in the world...
Yeah! That last one sounds just skippy! Mystical omnipresent musical accompaniment, if you please!
Magna was now magically sitting at a small table toward the audience
I know what you're thinking 'Mag, what are ya doing?' Cherilee needs a talk!
He pointed to his head with a hoof, made his eyes 'derp' in circles a moment, then looked off warily
Yes I wanna see her But no I cant just fly there 'Cuz there's one thing I am not
He floated out of the chair and closed his eyes, holding a hoof proudly to his chest
To be forgiven would be just fine But I'd like to keep this life of mine It's a truth you can't refute Nothing suits me like a suit
Magna took off down the street, looking on several citizens of ponyville, including; a grey mare with bubbles on her flank, a dog, a thundering white pegasus with outrageous muscle structure, a little baby unicorn who was nom-ing on what appeared to be a dish towel, and photofinish doing a shoot in the park with a beautiful fleur de lis posing. At a look they seemed to become magically wrapped in fine clothing
Picture a world where all the fillys and foals Are impeccably well dressed That mail mare in a gown with trail That puppy in a double-breast
That juiced pegasus with little wings That baby who likes eating things That fashionista who's really cuuuuuuute Nothing suits 'em like a suit!
He took to the sky, twirling as he broke the cloud layer and found himself in the air space of cloudsdale
Wingsocks I can wear They're oh so debonair The perfect way to snare A mare with testing issues
He trotted briskly on the runway of a take-off ramp before shooting below the cloud layer and flying a light circle around Twilight Sparkle
In indigo or black Check out this perfect rack- I want to give them a squeeze!
He dreamily floated through the window of hit temporary residents and admired the rack of fine clothing designed by Rarity
Oh really? It doesn't look better than Trixie~
>Leave it to trixie to kill my buzz<
Trixie picked up a letter with the name 'Cherilee' underlined in red
What would you do if you had to choose Between your suits and a certain mare?
Mag looked at her a moment then pointed to the rack behind him
Suits.
Trxie floated over a suit, wrapped in her magic, and inspected it, scrutinizing flaws that weren't really there, finally tossing it behind her
What would you say If you gave your suits away In return you could grow old with her?
Mag dashed(the verb, inspired by the noun)after the suit, catching it before it so much as wrinkled
Suits.
Carta began a walk downstairs to go back out side. he only took the stairs because Trixie was now in toe... Hoof... Trailing him...
What would you prefer For me to call you sir Or a single three-piece suit?
Mag rolled his eyes as he walked out the door
It's moot.
What if you were on your way To endless fame ...
Mag stopped and turned to face trixie, waving his front hooves in her face.
Abbadabada I'm gonna stop you right there... It's suits.
M.C turned and looked condescendingly over his shoulder at his companion
Come on, Trixie. Get your head outta your ass.
Carta took to the skies and cleared his throught, as he spoke the population of ponvyville flocked to him
ahemTwo... Three... Four!
The crowd organized into neat rows as the well dressed colt eased down at the head of the rabble
Mares will go and Mares will come But there's only one absolute Every Powne on the go needs to know That there's no accepted substitute
Magna flew into the window of Sugar cube corner once more, returning with his damaged suit
I'm sorry suits, let's make amends My Sunday bests are my best friends! Send casual Friday down the laundry chute
The crowd gathered around him took look on the barely damaged suit as magna took to the sky with the rest of the pegasi the whole voice of ponyville rising into the sky with him
'Cuz nothing suits the undisputed oft-saluted Lawyer of repuuuuuuuuute
The ponies extended their left front hoof and slowly raised it up
Liiiiiiiiiiiike
They then switched to the right one
Aaaaaaaaaa
Above the skies of ponyville, carta winked and held his hooves out with a look in his eye
wait for it...
At his signal, the wonderbolts tore open the cloud curtain in an aweaspiring display of awesome as magna joined the earth bound rabble of ponyville
Suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuit! Nothing suits him like aaaaaa~ Suit! Nothing suits him like aaaaaaa~ Suit!
It's been about a week. I won't lie. I didn't mean to stay here this long. I had hopped to just come here, do my job, then go. But... I can't seem to bring myself to leave.
I don't know why. I just... I can't seem to get up the nerve to say goodbye.
I hardly know anypony here beyond a business relationship, I have no ties here but...
I can see her.
I know it sounds lame but... I mean...
It's allot like a diabetic filly in a candy store. I know I can't actually have any, but at least I can look...
That sounded too sexual...
Which is a little awkward...
Nevermind, point is, I don't think I can leave till I settle things with cherilee.
Ugh...
I need a coffee. ------------------------------------------------------------------
"Trixie. You home?"
"The Great and Powerful Trixie is making pancakes in the kitchen!"
"It's a yes or no question Trix, no need to shout."
I bought this place about three days ago.
That is to say, some ponies helped me build it in exchange for a hoof-full of bits and invitations to a big dinner party...
Oh that Pinky Pie...
I cantered into the kitchen and the smell of Trixie's meal made my stomach growl. If she weren't an expert monster slayer, I swear she'd be a chef. Trixie lives with me because...
Well... I actually don't rightly know. She swore on celestia's name she'd catch the next train out and never did. I'm glad she's around, get to talk to an old colleague and I don't have to cook my meals. Which is a pretty good thing seeing as how I'm terrible in the kitchen.
"Would you like some?"
"Yes I would, thanks Trix."
"Trixie must insist you stop calling her 'Trix'. It makes Trixie feel dirty... Or fruityly delicious... And The Great and Powerful Trixie is neither of those things!"
"So. Trixie... Have you found a job yet? I mean, I'd never make you pay rent but... I mean... There's only so much legal work in ponyville and nothing else is going on in equestria... Well, not that I'm in any rush to hurl myself into anything serious."
An uppidy 'huff' is what I got as a response. Which was admittedly better than the last time I asked about the job hunt.
That time I got a hot pancake to the face.
"Trixie will find work when she decides she must and no sooner."
"What ever you say... Hey... Did you... Did you read this?"
I had picked up the paper, only to look at least mildly busy and the headline caught my attention.
That... Was serious... I knew the mare on that case. Honor Roll was the most docile thing, she wouldnt hurt a sprite... Not that she could, being crippled as she is...
"Says Honor Roll-"
"I know."
"Weren't you two-?"
"We were."
"Could she really have-?"
"Not sure."
"Is she-?"
"Haven't checked."
"Do you still-?"
"A little."
"Then why haven't-?"
"Stop asking."
"But she-"
"Seriously, stop."
"And you-"
"Last warning."
"I just want to-"
-!!!!!THERCRASH!!!!!-
"SHUT! UP!"
She blew up my table and stormed out, from what I could see beyond the flak curtain of the wood-chippy painsplosion...
She was Crying.
Why do women hate me?
"Trixie wait!"
I charged out after her, my wings beating to catch up. For a unicorn, she's quite fast.
"Trixie?! Trixie! I'm sorry! I just wanted to help!"
I bet I looked pretty dumb, hovering above the statue in town and yelling to a ninja unicorn who probably hates me right now. But I didn't have allot of options.
"Mag. What are you doing?"
"Cherilee... Hey... Uhhhmmm... I uhm... Lost my friend..."
"That's no shock. What happened?"
"I talked too much..."
"Well that's actually a refreshing change. Is it as bad as being ignored for just shy of a decade?"
