Starlight's Sanity Suffers Several Severe Strains
Trixie shuddered and trotted faster. Over the last few days, the weather in the morning kept getting colder and pulling a heavy wagon in such conditions most certainly didnât help her poor joints.
She sighed, thinking of all the bits she made during her shows this summer. It wasnât enough to retire, but most certainly enough to hire some hapless earth pony to pull her cart in case arthritis tried to put her out of business. Trixie even started to search her memory for suitable candidates, which soon ended with her imagining Limestone Pie in a bridle, still wearing that nasty expression she had whenever she looked at her.
âTrixie really needs to get laid,â she muttered to herself and trotted even faster.
Soon, Ponyville was in sight. Trixie smiled â since she befriended Starlight, she always had a place to crash. She could sleep on an actual bed and eat as much as she could, sometimes without Twilight even realising that Trixie was in her castle.
Trixie trotted into the town. She noticed a big, new building next to the castle and couldnât help but wonder how fast things changed in Ponyville. However, she didnât really pay attention to it â sheâd walked all night and now all she wanted was to hit the hay. She parked her wagon next to the castle and grabbed a spare key hidden behind the bannister.
Quietly, she slipped inside and trotted to her bedroom, trying to avoid any of the bigger chambers. Not that she didnât want to meet Twilight. She just didnât want to talk about spending winter in her castle again right now, exhausted and hungry.
The door on the second floor was just as Trixie remembered it. She pushed it open, ready to jump into the bed and sleep at least until the next week.
That is, until she noticed that someone was already in her bed.
Trixie nearly screamed, seeing the tall mare, who was snoring loudly. Her mane was unkempt and her horn was missing â for quite a long while, given the thin layer of tissue growing in place where itâd been snapped off. She also had a large scar on her face, the sight of which made Trixieâs stomach turn. She was about to ask what was going on, but suddenly someone put a hoof in her mouth.
Trixie turned her head to protest against such treatment, but then she saw that the mysterious hoof belonged to Starlight Glimmer herself. She was wearing a bathrobe with colourful kites on it. When Trixie looked closer, she noticed bags under Starlightâs eyes and a couple of grey hair in her mane.
âDonât yell,â Starlight whispered. âIf you have to say something, whisper. One question at a time. If you accidentally shout, drop on the floor immediately.â
âMhm,â Trixie replied. âWhat is going on here?â she asked once Starlight removed her hoof. âWhat is the bassist of All The Pretty Little Dead Horses doing in my bed?â
âOne question at a time.â Starlight rolled her eyes. âFor starters, itâs not your bed. Twilight considers it a guest room. Secundo, this is not the bassist of All The Pretty Little Dead Horses. If it was, my inner teenager would be fangirling all over the place.â
Trixie raised her eyebrows. âYou were their fan? Trixie always thought they played music for rich shits who thought their life was hard.â
âI often disagree with my inner teenager.â Starlight blushed.
âTheyâre playing a revival show on Nightmare Night in Manehattan,â Trixie said.
âWhere can I buy the tickets?â Starlight asked.
âTrixie will tell you if you tell her why her bed is currently occupied by a mare who looks like she fought a combine harvester and lost.â Trixie threw a nervous glance at the bed, eyeing the charred crystal walls around it.
âDonât say that when she wakes up,â Starlight muttered. âSheâs still slightly traumatised after being attacked by an Ursa Minor as a filly.â She raised her bathrobe, revealing a bandaged hind leg.
Trixie smirked. âOh, Trixie could tell her a few things about ursas. Did I tell you how I defeated an Ursa Major?â
Starlight huffed and nodded slowly. âTwilight tells that story in a bit different wayâŠâ
âAww, hell,â Trixie muttered, looking at the pony in her bed again. âDonât believe her lies and slander. Also, donât you think that Twilight has a tender spot in her heart for cripples, bastards, and broken things?â
Starlight gave out a quiet chuckle, closing the bedroom door so they could talk without whispering. âI wonder which category I belong to...â
âDepends,â Trixie replied. âDo you know both of your parents?â
âWell, I had a theory that my dad banged Sunburstâs mom and thatâs why Sunburst doesnât want to, you knowâŠâ She made a rather suggestive gesture with her hoof.
âOh, just tell him that thereâs nothing wrong with incest.â Trixie shrugged. âTrixie couldâve banged her own father and she wouldnât know that, because this fuck went out to buy cigarettes when Trixie was two and never came back.â
âI already showed him Applejackâs sister and the dates on her parentsâ graves.â Starlight sighed. âThen I told him to do the math, but he didnât get the idea. Also, trust me, if you banged your father, youâd know.â
âHow do you know?â Trixie asked.
âUmmâŠâ Starlight chuckled nervously. âYou know that Applejackâs family is holding a reunion soon? Something tells me youâll be invited.â
Trixie looked at Starlight, furrowing her eyebrows. âWhat the fuck are you talking about? Save that for a moment when The Great and Powerful Trixie is not tired.â She pointed at the door. âWhich leads us back to the elephant in the room.â
âSheâs not that fat,â Starlight muttered.
âOkay, a weasel who had a lawnmower accident in my bedroom.â Trixie rolled her eyes. âWhatever. I want my bed back.â
âThereâs plenty of beds in this castle,â Starlight replied. âIncluding one that can fit seven ponies comfortably and still no one figured out what is it for.â
âYes, but this particular one is Trixieâs bed.â
Starlight groaned. âDo you have some issues with beds?â
âItâs the only bed Trixie ever had on her own,â Trixie replied. âMeaning an actual bed, not a crappy mattress in the wagon, or your own personal piece of floor in the circus where you can only hope that other circus kids donât wet themselves in their sleep.â She trotted to the bedroom door. âWake her up or Trixie will do that.â
Starlight froze. âWait,â she said. âIâll wake her up myself. You know, itâs a bit dangerous.â
Trixie smirked, pushing the door open. âPlease. What can she do to me?â
âWait,â Starlight whispered, grabbing a silver tray from the table by the door. She levitated it, holding it in from of herself. âStay behind me.â
They walked closer to the bed. Trixie noticed that the mare in her bed had a rather light sleep; her whole body was trembling and one of her eyes was half-open, revealing a striking blue iris.
Starlight raised the tray. âWakey, wakey, Tempest!â she exclaimed.
âAaargh!â Tempestâs eyes shot open. Trixie heard an explosion and saw a magic beam bouncing off the tray and hitting the ceiling, leaving a smoking dent in the crystal.
âHello,â Starlight said, watching Tempest sitting on the bed, panting. âMy friend would like to talk to you about this bed.â
Tempest furrowed her eyebrows. âAre you crazy? I couldâve killed someoneâŠâ
Starlight shoved Trixie forward with her magic. âShe told me to. Fizzlepop, this is Beatrix. Beatrix, Fizzlepop Berrytwist.â
âTempest Shadow,â Tempest muttered, glaring at Starlight.
âThe Great and Powerful Trixie.â Trixie huffed, giving Starlight another cold glare.
âMayor Marks.â Starlight smiled sheepishly. âWeâre using our made-up names, right?â
Tempest turned to Trixie. âIf I murder her, will you help me hide the body?â
âUmm⊠Trixie doesnât think such measures will be necessaryâŠâ Trixie backpedalled, shifting her gaze from Starlight to Tempest.
âToo bad,â Tempest replied. âAnyway, what brings you here, the Great and Powerful Trixie?â
âMy bed,â Trixie muttered, frowning. She really didnât feel like having a smalltalk, especially not with a mare who looked like a crash test dummy in a razor factory.
âItâs yours?â Tempest asked, looking at the bed. âSorry, I got a bit tired after I personally visited every single pony in Equestria to tell them about the Storm Kingâs defeat.â
âYou couldâve just written an article in Illustrated Canterlot News, you know,â Starlight whispered. âOr Horse Voice.â
Tempest ignored her, tilting her head and looking at Trixie. âTo think about it, I remember you.â
Trixie shrugged. âStrange, because Trixie doesnât remember you.â
Tempest smiled sheepishly. âWell, the circumstances werenât favourableâŠâ
It was the middle of summer in Yakyakistan, which meant that the layer of snow was only as tall as three ponies, rather than the usual six. Trixieâs wagon was half-buried in the snow, while its sole occupant tried to sleep under all the blankets she could find, with a magical sphere of blueish fire to keep her warm.
With rather poor effects, unfortunately. The first fireball Trixie conjured nearly burned the whole wagon down, while the other produced copious amounts of carbon monoxide. Luckily, the crystals Trixie had bought in the Crystal Empire went off right in time to prevent her from becoming a frozen exhibit in the distant future when growing pressure on weather teams to have as many warm days as possible caused the snows of Yakyakistan to melt.
The third fireball was perfectly safe, but unfortunately, it was more or less as warm as a safety match. Still, it filled the inside of the wagon with at least some warmth.
That is, until suddenly someone opened the door, letting all the cold in the world in. Or, in proper physical terms, letting the heat out.
âThe Storm King is dead!â the pony yelled.
âThe Great and Powerful Trixie obscenities in the milk of the whore that is the Storm Kingâs mother!â Trixie shouted from under her blankets.
There was a moment of brief and cold silence. âIs that good or bad?â
âJust close the fucking door and get out!â Trixie levitated the fireball and threw it at the intruder. She heard a scream, followed by the hissing of the melting snow and the door closing.
âGood,â she muttered, burying herself under the blankets.
âYou owe Trixie two thousand bits,â Trixie muttered, staring at Tempest.
âWhy?â Tempest asked. âI had to tell everyone!â
âDo you know how hard it is to find a doctor in Yakyakistan whose idea of curing pneumonia doesnât involve cupping therapy and yak milk enema?â Trixie huffed. âI wasted a perfectly good fireball for your sorry arse!â
Starlight cleared her throat and pulled Trixie away from Tempest. âWould you kindly not yell at her? Sheâs a bit unstable when yelled at,â she whispered.
âUnstable?â Trixie rolled her eyes and rushed to Tempest. âThe Great and Powerful Trixie will show you how unstable she can get when she doesnât get enough sleep!â
Tempest furrowed her eyebrows, staring down at Trixie. âAnd what will you do? Sneeze on me?â
âTrixie once enslaved the whole town and put it under a glass dome!â Trixie exclaimed.
âOh really? In case it escaped The Great and Powerful Trixieâs attention, Storm King and I enslaved the whole Equestria, we turned three princesses into stone and made everyone my bitch!â Tempest exclaimed, poking Trixieâs chest with her hoof. A few sparkles escaped her horn.
Starlight stood between them, firing a spell at the ceiling. A rain of crystal shards and fried spiders fell on her head, but that didnât stop her. âI made the whole Equestria my bitch so hard that no one even noticed! I went back in time and screwed it so much that thereâs at least a dozen of alternate Equestrias where ponies keep screaming because of me! And another dozen where they donât! Do you know why?â She smiled, baring her teeth. âBecause. They. Are. All. Dead.â
âWhoa, dude,â Tempest muttered. âCalm down, no need to be violent.â
âI can show you violence!â Starlight exclaimed. âYouâll be begging me to stop.â
âStop,â Trixie said. âCan you let Trixie sleep first and then show her how big is your violence? Or maybe calm down, go to the toilet, play with your hooves... â She cleared her throat. âOr maybe play buckball. It does wonders when it comes to containing negative emotions.â
âI would, but I canât.â Starlight glared at Tempest.
âHey!â Tempest exclaimed. âItâs me who got banned by the Equestrian Buckball Federation, not you.â
âYes, but you ruined the field.â
âHow do you even do that?â Trixie asked.
Nurse Sweetheart dug in the dirt with her hoof and sniffed it. âStill wet. The ball is gonna get heavy.â
âWell, that shouldnât be a problem for you, right?â Nurse Redheart chuckled, pointing at her friendsâ flank which was firmly on its way to achieve the shape of the ball.
âOh, shut up,â Sweetheart muttered. âIâm not worried about myself, but about her.â She pointed at the tall unicorn who joined Cheerilee and Raindrops as the newest member of Wicked Mares, yet another team that hoped to break the streak of ten consecutive wins for Ponyville General Hospital.
âLooks like a tough player,â Redheart said.
âAnd thatâs why Iâm in the team, not you,â Sweetheart replied. âSee how carefully she levitates that bucket around? Sheâs afraid. I can smell her fear.â
âHave you been drinking with Faint Heart again?â Redheart asked.
âWith High Fever.â Sweetheart pointed at the pegasus doctor who just entered the field alongside Dr. Stable. âAnd we didnât stop at drinking.â
âEwwâŠâ Redheart winced. âThis guy is sixty.â
âI can call him daddy, then.â Sweetheart smirked. âOkay, time to play with other ballsâŠâ
Redheart moved aside, trotting to the place for the medical crew. Sweetheart, meanwhile, started her warm-up; she grabbed a ball and hit it with her hoof, sending it spinning towards Dr. Stableâs basket. Looking at Cheerilee, she threw a couple of other balls into the basket.
Cheerilee only smirked, to which Sweetheart winced. Sheâd spent hours in the empty corridors of the hospital perfecting her curveballs so that theyâd fool even the fastest pegasi, not to mention dimwits such as Sunshower Raindrops.
Finally, the referee stood in the middle of the pitch and threw the ball into the air. Sweetheart soon found out why Cheerilee was smirking â it was simple physics. Maybe if they were spherical horses in a vacuum itâd work differently, but in reality, Sweetheart was much more spherical than Cheerilee and possessed a somewhat greater mass. In other words, it took her a while to start running while Cheerilee already got the ball.
âOh, come onâŠâ Sweetheart muttered when Cheerilee lobbed the ball over Dr. High Fever. Her aim, however, was slightly off â the ball looked like it was going to land far from the basket. Sweetheart chuckled; she was too precise for such things to happen.
Tempest looked at the falling red ball and rushed to it, yanking the bucket with her magic. Sparks shot out of the stub of her horn. She raised her hooves, her expression suddenly changing to the look of pure horror.
Due to her weight, Sweetheart would take a while to get going. However, once she did, the momentum meant that nothing short of a thick, concrete wall could stop her. And if she didnât know that a magical explosion meant that she had to run like hell, she wouldnât still have all her limbs at the age of thirty-six.
âShit!â she exclaimed, grabbing Cheerileeâs vest with her teeth and pulling her out of the way of the blast, followed by a cloud of dust and Dr. High Fever who flew above them with his mane and tail on fire. Sweetheart dodged the remains of Tempestâs bucket, turned into splinters and shrapnel, and kicked the flying ball with her hind legs, sending it back into Tempestâs forehead and knocking her down.
As the dust fell, Sweetheart looked around, scanning her surroundings. There was a huge crater right in front of Tempest. Behind Sweetheart, Redheart poured the contents of a fire extinguisher on Dr. High Fever, who raised his head and looked at Dr. Stable.
âIs there a doctor in the house?â he muttered before passing out.
âOkay, I might have done some damageâŠâ Tempest blushed.
Starlight rolled her eyes. âA big crater in the middle of the field, ten injured spectators, one injured player who happens to be an expert in reconstructive horn surgery, one filly threatening to sue everyone because the trauma caused her to spontaneously change her tail colourââ
âTo brown?â Trixie asked.
âBlue,â Starlight replied. âHer mane is red, yellow, and dark pink.â
âAh, itâs Toola Roola,â Trixie replied. âDonât believe her, sheâs a fraud and sheâs banned from Trixieâs shows forever for pulling the same stunt.â
Starlight ignored her. âAlso, Tempest told that Equestrian Buckball Association official to get fucked when he said she could still play if she legally registered as an earth ponyâŠâ
âWell, whoâd agree to that?â Trixie walked to Tempest and patted her back. âYou go, girl.â
âThat High Fever is not even a great surgeon,â Tempest muttered. âHe said he couldnât fix my horn.â
âItâd be easier if you kept the missing bit,â Starlight replied. âAlso, the worst part is that Cheerilee asked me to be Tempestâs replacement and do you know how hard it is toââ
âItâd be easier if your training regime didnât consist of a bottle of whisky in your office every night,â Tempest deadpanned.
âI donât have an alcohol problem,â Starlight said.
âThe big nurse says otherwise,â Tempest replied.
A reddish spark appeared in Starlightâs eyes. âThe big nurse is in for some flensing, thenâŠâ
âBack in the Storm Kingâs army, we once flensed a seapony,â Tempest said. âThose were fun tiââ She paused, seeing Starlightâs expression. âUmm⊠More knowledge than youâre comfortable with?â
âYeah, especially since I met some seaponies.â Starlight winced. âAnyway, weâd better tell Trixie the big news before sheââ She looked around, only to find out that Trixie had sneaked into the bed and immediately fell asleep. âOkay, nevermind.â
Trixie slept for the better part of the day, waking up only to shamelessly raid Twilightâs fridge, despite Spike and Tempest watching her over the afternoon cup of coffee. Ignoring them, she finished her hastily thrown together meal and walked to the toilet.
As soon as she opened the door, she was greeted with a sight of a local newspaper being levitated in such a way that it almost completely obscured the pony reading it. Trixie noticed an article mentioning the Apple Family Reunion, but she didnât bother with that too much.
âHi, Starlight,â Trixie said with a chuckle. âWhen youâre done doing whatever youâre doing, come to me. Trixie has a lot to tell you.â She shrugged. âHmm, with so many weirdos wandering around this castle oneâd think Twilight would teach you to lock the doorâŠâ
The newspaper lowered, revealing no one else but Twilight Sparkle. She looked back at Trixie, frowning. Trixie facehooved mentally, realising that sheâd forgotten what colour Starlightâs magic aura was.
âHello, Trixie,â Twilight muttered. âHow long have you been here?â
âShorter than the big, scarred weirdo,â Trixie replied, smiling sheepishly. âAlso, itâs a big castle and you got it completely for free, on the virtue of being royalty. Trixie always thought the rich should share their wealth.â
âIâm not rich.â Twilight blushed. âAlso, everycreature is welcome in my castle, but Iâd prefer theyâd tell me first, you know.â
âEverycreature?â Trixie raised her eyebrows and shrugged.
âI felt âeveryponyâ wasnât inclusive enough, especially now, when changelings, yaks, seaponiesââ
âWouldnât âeveryoneâ do?â Trixie asked.
Twilightâs jaw dropped. She raised her hoof and opened her mouth, but then propped her jaw with her hoof, staring at Trixie unsurely.
âTrixie will look for another toilet while you figure this shit out,â Trixie said before closing the door.
She walked down the corridor, trying to find a toilet. After a while, however, she got pretty sure that either her memory was really bad or the rooms in Twilightâs castle kept changing places.
Eventually, she opened some door and suddenly found herself in a large hall where several ponies sat on the floor, each with a mug of cider in front of them. When Trixie looked closer, she noticed that only a few of them were, in fact, ponies. She noticed a hippogriff, a young dragon, a yak, a changeling, and a griffon â if any of those wanted to go to a bar, the bartender would surely think it was some kind of a joke. And between them was Starlight Glimmer herself, pouring more cider into her mug.
âThis is a friendship-building exercise and itâs a non-alcoholic cider, I swear,â Starlight muttered without looking at Trixie. âAlso, never have I ever wore a lampshade on my head.â
The greenish pony, the hippogriff, and a white unicorn filly took a sip of their cider.
âWhy are you playing Never Have I Ever with kids?â Trixie asked.
âOh, itâs you!â Starlight looked at Trixie and smiled. âIâm a guidance counsellor. Iâm guiding and counselling. Meet my students, Gallus, Yona, Sandbar, Ocellus, Silverstream, and Smolder, and my assistants, Scootaloo, Sweetie Belle, and Apple Bloom.â
âYouâre guiding and counselling by playing Never Have I Ever?â Trixie raised her eyebrows.
âTwilight said craps, poker, and blackjack are not friendship-building enough.â Starlight shrugged. âYou can complain to her.â
âTwilight is currently having more crap on her mind,â Trixie replied. âWhat are you all doing here anyway?â
âYouâre really behind,â Scootaloo said. âHavenât you heard about the School of Friendship?â
âNever have I ever,â Trixie muttered.
âWe all did!â Silverstream exclaimed. âThat means you have to drink.â
âTrixie is not playing,â Trixie replied with a huff.
âAww, too badâŠâ Silverstream said. âNever have I ever buried a dead body in the snow.â
Everyone looked at her with varying degrees of disgust and surprise for a moment. Then, Starlight, Yona, and Scootaloo sipped their drinks.
Trixie shrugged. âOkay, give me a drink. I donât need to go to the toilet that much and Trixie sees you already got to the interesting questions.â
Starlight smiled sheepishly. âThat reminds me⊠Applejack wanted to talk with you.â
âWho the hell is Applejack?â Trixie asked.
Starlight raised her eyebrows. âUmm, the bearer of the Element of Honesty? They teach that stuff in schools, even this one.â
âNever has Trixie ever gone to school,â Trixie said, causing everyone at the table to take a sip of their drinks. âShe learned to read from a clown back in the circus.â She shrugged. âTo think about it, Trixie still wonders what is Wise Penny up to...â
âIâve never been to a circus,â Sweetie Belle muttered. âRarity said itâs a plebeian form of entertainment, just like magic shows.â
âYa shoulda said ânever have I ever been to a circusâ,â Apple Bloom said.
Starlight and a few of her students drank their cider anway. Trixie looked at Sweetie Belle and sighed. âTell your sister that judging by how gaudy and noveau riche her tastes are, circus is a perfect place for her.â She stood up. âAnd no, Iâm not going to see Applejack.â
âBut Applejack will definitely see you,â Starlight said, but the only response was the slamming door. Her eye twitched when she realised everyone was looking at her. âUmm⊠How about we play truth or dare?â
Trixie spent the next few days loitering about the Twilightâs castle and, occasionally, the School of Friendship, minding her business and avoiding any social interaction. She planned to do that until Starlight and the rest of Ponyville returned to the usual level of crazy or when it was time for her to travel around Equestria again, whichever came first.
It worked fine for the most part, except that one time when Starlight caught her and asked her to become a substitute teacher, which didnât end all that well. Twilight had to deal with Nurse Sweetheart and several other complainers who became rather salty after Starlight ruined the buckball pitch again. After Twilight calmed down, Starlight approached Trixie and asked her to help her with some research on draconequii; more exactly, how to zap one so itâd never come back. Trixie politely refused and decided to go on a trip around Ponyville.
This led her to Sweet Apple Acres where, to her surprise, she found Tempest lying down on a pink blanket under an apple tree, sipping some juice. The image was so absurd that Trixie couldnât help but chuckle; a looming killing machine just enjoying herself in a scenic environment.
âHello,â Trixie said. âWhat are you doing here?â
âWell, at first I was over there,â Tempest pointed at the distant group of trees, âbut some mare with a curly, orange mane told me not to sit on her grave, so I decided to leave.â
âNo, Trixie means what are you doing here in geneââ The gears in Trixieâs head skid to a halt with a terrible scraping sound and then began spinning in the opposite direction. âWait, what?â
âActually, it was Applejack who told me to get out of her motherâs grave, but still.â Tempest shrugged. âAlso, sheâs looking for you. You know, that thing about the reunion.â
âTrixie keeps hearing about it,â Trixie replied. âWhatâs the big deal about it?â
Tempest shrugged. âStarlight explained it to me, once,â she whispered. âApparently ninety percent of earth ponies in Equestria are in some way related to Apples. Hence why itâs such a big event. Even I am partially an Apple. Some crazy auntie with a lot of cats said uncle Wild Thornberry, the one who died after being crushed by a barrel of cider, married auntie Antonovka and, after a couple of generations, they ended up with, among the others, me and my cousin Berry Punch.â
âSmashing,â Trixie muttered. âBut Trixie is not an Apple. Her mother comes from a respectful family of circus artists, dating back to the pre-Celestial era.â
âWhat about your father?â Tempest asked, but quickly reconsidered her question. âWait, he went to buy cigarettes, right?â
âTrixie thinks smoking killed him.â Trixie shrugged, furrowing her eyebrows and looking at the farmhouse. Her ears perked up when she heard the raised voices. âWhy do they keep yelling at each other?â
âEarth ponies.â Tempest shrugged. âAlso, Apple Family Reunion without someone going full Starlight is not a reunion. Or so Iâve heard.â
Suddenly, Applejack left the house, slamming the door. She let out a heavy sigh and looked around until her eyes focused on Trixie. It was one of these stares that usually made Trixie check her hat for more smoke bombs and look up potential escape routes. Back in her younger years, such a stare was usually accompanied by different variations on the âhey, where is my wallet?â line.
âYou.â Applejack approached Trixie, still glaring at her. âCaught ya eventually. Come with me.â
âTrixie would rather go somewhere else, like Saddle Arabia.â Trixie took a step back, lighting up her horn.
âAhâm not gonna hurt ya,â Applejack said. âLeave that smoke thingies and donât run away. Ah will find ya if I have to.â A faint smirk adorned her face. âEverywhere.â
Trixie stopped trying to hide behind Tempest and stood up. âThen what do you want from Trixie?â
âTo show ya somethinâ,â Applejack replied. âAh gotta tell, it may not be nice. It all started with mah granny goinâ back from Las Pegasusââ
âIf she lost your farm in a poker game, then Trixie canât help,â Trixie said, walking with Applejack to the farmhouse. âShe got kicked out from all the casinos in Las Pegasus for some reason and she doesnât perform there. This wanker Gladmane can suck hisââ
âGladmane is no longer in Las Pegasus,â Applejack replied. âThe thing is, mah Granny came back from Las Pegasus with a stallion and she wants to marry him.â
âEwwâŠâ Trixie winced. âWhat do old ponies and their love lives have to do with Trixie?â
âHey! Granny Smith ainât that old!â Applejack furrowed her eyebrows. âOkay, maybe a little⊠As for yer question, look for yerselfâŠâ
They walked into the kitchen. Trixie stood still, seeing the stallion sitting at the table with Granny Smith.
âAh want ya to meet somepony, Jack Pot,â Applejack said. âSheâs a travelling magician, like ya.â
Trixie frowned, her face pale. She looked at her hooves and then back at the stallion.
Jack Pot raised his eyebrows. âDid we meet before?â he asked.
âOf that Trixie is sureâŠâ Trixie slowly walked towards the table.
âT-trixie?â Jack Pot shuddered, sweating profusely. âUmm⊠You sure grew up.â
âOh, I surely did.â Trixie put her hooves on the table. âThe question is where have you been the whole time? Trixie doesnât think buying cigarettes takes twenty-odd years.â
âWell, I was about to come back, but there was this huge opportunity and I just had toââ Jack Pot looked around, as if searching for smoke bombs and potential escape routes. Words failed him; only a few, like âhuge cashâ, âmoon falling from the skyâ, and âan old and wise snail told meâ were discernible.
âOh, donât tell Trixie tall tales, she knows them all,â Trixie said.
Jack Pot lowered his head. âYouâre truly my daughter, I must admit. Howâs mom?â
âShe fell off a unicycle,â Trixie replied.
âSorry to hear that.â Granny Smith turned to Jack Pot. âBut that means ya are a fair game now, right?â
âWhat?â Trixie exclaimed. âWhy do you two even want to marry? Trixie doesnât want to be a sister of thisââ She turned back and paused, seeing that Applejack was much closer to her than she had previously thought.
âWouldnât ya be mah aunt?â Applejack asked, her eyebrows furrowed in that very particular way only Applejack could pull off.
âWhatever!â Trixie exclaimed. âTrixie doesnât want to be your aunt, sister, or anything just because this motherfuckerââ
âInteresting choice of words,â Jack Pot deadpanned, embracing Granny Smith. âTrixie, the thing isââ He met with a sudden interruption when a beam of Trixieâs magic flew past him, breaking the kitchen window. âNow that was just rude!â he exclaimed, conjuring a shield. Another magical beam bounced off it, leaving a scorched mark on the ceiling.
Tempest walked into the kitchen and stood next to Applejack, watching the fight unraveling in front of them. âWhy do they keep yelling at each other?â she asked.
âUnicorns,â Applejack replied. A stray bolt flew between them, obliterating a potted plant.
âIâll better stop them before they hurt themselves,â Tempest said.
âYeah, do that.â Applejack nodded absent-mindedly, too busy watching the fight to even look at Tempest.
Only a few seconds later she realised the full extent of her mistake.
Starlight took a swig from a cider bottle and leaned against a pile of freshly-dug earth. In the distance behind her, the remains of the farmhouse were still smoking. Starlight was trying hard not to look there, but it was just oddly attracting her gaze. Besides, watching a piece of the roof falling from the stratosphere and evaporating just before hitting the ground was not something one could see every day.
âSo, let me get this straight,â she said. âApplejack thought that maybe you could talk your father into not marrying her grandma?â
âMore or less,â Trixie replied. Her cape was torn and ragged and she was covered in bandages. Next to her, Granny Smith just finished bandaging Jack Potâs hooves. Unfortunately, she also tied them together, preventing him from getting up.
âHow did this happen then?â Starlight gestured towards the ruins.
âTempest helped.â
âI seeâŠâ Starlight sighed. âWhereâs Tempest?â
âOver there.â Trixie pointed at the large hole in the ground behind the pile of earth.
Starlight froze. âDid Applejack kill her?â
Tempestâs head poked out of the ditch. âNot yet!â she exclaimed. âAnd since I dug this tactical trench, sheâs unlikely to ever get me.â
âDid she have something fall on her head?â Starlight asked, looking into the trench. âAlso, there are bones sticking from the ground.â
âYeah, tell that insane weasel to bury them back,â Pear Butter said. âI canât be seen decomposed like this!â
Starlight looked at Pear Butter and blinked. Then she gave her cider bottle a long glare before throwing it away.
âSomethingâs wrong, Starlight?â Trixie asked.
âHepatic encephalopathy, I presume,â Starlight replied, shuddering.
âSo, are we waiting here for mah granddaughter to come and lay vengeance upon us?â Granny Smith asked. She just finished gagging Jack Pot with bandages.
âActually, Trixie was thinking of doing a series of shows,â Trixie said. âIn Saddle Arabia or some similarly distant place.â
âIâve never been to Maretonia, myself.â Starlight shrugged. âAlthough Saddle Arabia sounds great. The fact that they canât drink will be helpful.â
âWorry not,â Granny Smith said, dragging Jack Pot away, despite his weak protests. âShe wonât get to yâall before rebuildinâ the whole house from scratch. So ya have some time.â
âGreat!â Tempest exclaimed. âI can build a bunker. Will you help me? Trixie?â
âErrâŠâ Trixie looked around unsurely. âDid my father even need bandaging?â
Starlight rolled her eyes and shook her head. âWho cares. If we want to get to Saddle Arabia, weâd better get going.â She trembled, turning towards the farmhouse again. âBefore Twilight notices the smokeâŠâ