Once upon a time in a universe far, far away, two or three or five or some nonzero quantity of magic diminutive horses came together and fell in love and then unfortunately produced offspring who chronicled the way in which their parents met.
The blue unicorn whinnied as Ponyville burned around him.
“This is for the humiliation I, the Great and Powerful Tristan, have taken my vengeance upon Ponyville!” He then went into a truly proper villainous cackle while his black cape billowed in the air behind him.
The massive purple dragon behind him rumbled.
“And I owe it all to you, don’t I?” Tristan turned to the dragon. “Don’t I, my dear Spikey Wikey?”
Spike rumbled again.
“With your help I have brought my enemies low, wreaked terrible, terrible vengeance, and did so with proper flair!” The magician grinned as he grabbed the side of the dragon’s muzzle. “Haven’t I dear? My little Spikemare?” He then leaned in and placed a small peck on the side of the dragon’s scaled snout.
The dragon grumbled, and smiled.
“Of course,” he replied, the rumble shaking Tristan in his core. “All those gems and gold were certainly wonderful. Although truth be told, you had me with your whinny, ‘dear.’”
The unicorn nuzzled his dragon companion.
“Although,” the dragon quirked an eyebrow, “isn’t burning down the village of a single broken wagon and a bad rep a bit… much?”
In the background, a building collapsed and somewhere a pony both dragon and unicorn were sure was named Wilhelm screamed.
“Uh.” Tristan grinned sheepishly. “
Waifu Thief Flash Sentry and Private Eye Twilight Sparkle Meet for Coffee. Coffee Intensifies.
It does not take long for the heavily coated Twilight Sparkle to make her way into the partially filled establishment of caffeine addled goodness that is coffee. After arriving in the coffee party central of the almost neighborhood she was currently on business call within, Spylight books a table just beyond the scope of the coffee barrister's line of sight. Thankfully, the line of stalkers that had be surreptitiously trying to seduce her and drive her away from her coffee bean addiction in favor of a more useful past time, like maybe socializing. Thankfully, this is not the case and Twi-spy can enjoy her liver-detoxer shake in peace.
“Hey Twilight.”
Shaken from her coffee-laden fantasies, Tweyelight turns her quickly dilating eyes on the hunk of coffee beans sitting across from her. She is quickly disappointed when she realizes that it is in fact just another pony.
“Oh... hello Flash. I'm working on a case right now, soo...”
He waves his hooves with a more placating motion. “Don't worry, I just wanted to ask if you'd like to go out later. Maybe catch a movie, stop by my place, you know... hang out?” The less than stellar pickerupper pulls with the best grin he can manage- poorly.
Eyespy scrunches up her nose in consideration, looking down at her now empty pot of coffee. After what surmounts to a drug-addicts realization of the density of a pile of pillows, she slams it down on the edge of the table, giving the stallion a mere brief nod of the head.
“Gonna need three more pots of this- no, just give me all the beans you have in the back and a bag of creamer. And directions to every location you have in town.
"So," Twilight began, "care to explain why my castle is on fire?"
"I just don't know what went wrong!" Derby exclaimed, ash coating her fur.
"I do, though," Berry Punch said forlornly. "It all started when Shining Armor got a bit too drunk in my shop. Next thing we knew, there was a giant party going on here at the castle. I guess he's staying in town for something?"
"Yeah, I have a conference on defense shield spellcasting techniques scheduled for this weekend. But why the fuck is my castle on fire?"
"Well, you know how Derpy has bubbles as her cutie mark? Well it turns out those are bubbles of hydrogen gas. And she is constantly emitting hydrogen gas. It's weird--I don't know how she does it. But that's just one of the things that makes her my lovely dovey shmoopy whoopy doopy Derpy Do!"
"Wait, are you saying that her ass combusted or something?"
"I mean she does have a hot ass, but no. Shining Armor was going to do that trick were like you jump through a mirror into a human world and then steal a $100 bill and then use alcohol to set the bill on fire except it's not really on fire."
"Wait a minute, ponies are using my magic mirror without my permission? Unacceptable!"
"Anyway, the fiery bill lit Derpy's ass on fire, and that's how Equestria was made."
Twilight sighed. "So did you guys ever consider trying to put the fire out?"
"We did, but it just kept burning. It turns out Derpy's ass is just too hot."
"You really have a thing for Derby's ass don't you?"
"I mean really, who doesn't? We call her bubble butt for a reason."
"Say, I have an idea, being smart and all that," said Twilight. "Since Derpy has such a fat ass, why doesn't she sit on my castle, starving the fire of oxygen and smothering it! That should work, right?"
"No, remember, her ass exudes hydrogen? She'd go up like a rocket ship.
"Darn. What if we wrapped it in bubble wrap?"
"I mean that could work. Given her job as a delivery pony, she probably has bubble wrap."
Suddenly, Derpy reentered the conversation. "Hey guys, I put the fire out!"
Twilight and Berry spoke in unison: "How?!"
"Well, as you know, I'm great at shipping things. So I shipped your castle with the Ponyville Lake. They're my OTP. The castle is a bit soggy now, but the fire is out!
"Dammit, Derpy."
King Sombra, Resurrected. Mrs. Cake. Slap, Slap, Kiss.
King Sombra, in some rather screwed up way came back from the dead and was very hungry. His first goal was to find a place to get some grub. He gazed upon the distant Crystal Kingdom and promptly turned away. "Yeah that's a big fat 'fuck that'," he said to himself. He then stole a passing train in a way that would make Trevor Philips raise his eyebrows in morbid curiosity.
"All aboard the hype train bitches!" Sombra screamed, the train nearly derailing from its crazy speeds.
The train approached a small town still speeding along like a rocket sled on rails. Sombra hopped off the train as it passed the station. The train carreened down the rails and exploded in a fiery wreck when it finally fell of the rails.
He continued down the streets of Ponyville following the scent of freshly baked cookies.
He found the source of the smell to be a set of cookies that Mrs. Cake had recently baked.
"I'll have some of those!" Sombra said as he devoured the still cooling cookies.
"You have to pay for those," Mrs. Cake said indignantly.
"Firstly, know your place," Sombra said as he bitch slapped Mrs. Cake, "secondly, does this look like the face of someone who gives a shit?"
"Well, no actually not" Mrs. Cake said rubbing her face.
"Didn't think so. You got anything else on the menu?"
"Not at the moment."
"You actually look quite tasty yourself." Sombra said whilst licking his lips.
