So, the thing is, I really don't think I was the guy that the Merchant was expecting...
Once upon a time, a merchant was going to set up a stall in a convention to sell enchanted artifacts to cosplayers in order to send them to a variety of iterations of a particular world for honestly rather stupid reasons.
He was probably expecting somebody familiar with the RWBY series--especially Blake Belladonna.
You know, when you really step back and think about it, the recruitment method makes a lot of sense.
Conventions: Big. Lotta people. Hundreds--thousands! It's partly expected to make new friends, spend time with them in off-the-road places, maybe occasionally head home with them? Disappearances 'just happen', and while people might worry after a bit there will, at first, be a bit of an assumption that they just got a little lost, they'll be back. By the time that it's a real concern, the merchant has packed up and left.
And can we talk about merchants? Crafty. "Oh, I'm just an ordinary stall-tender, selling my artistic wares. See, look at all the cool details. Oh of course it's not REAL, nobody would sell a REAL gunsword at this sort of place. Just plastic and foil. Say, aren't you a fan of this series? You must know every detail, you are a real connoisseur. Would you like to look at this utterly fake gunsword and fangasm over how much it looks like the real thing?"
Their targets too--cosplayers. Devoted enough to wear very detailed and not necessarily comfortable outfits, designed with varying precision to mimic a wide scope of fictional characters. Science fiction, fantasy, human or not, good lord. That stuff requires a very particular sort of mindset--or a combination of mindsets working together, and it's that particular sort of mindset they're looking for. The smart merchants actually scope ahead and enchant their artifacts for specific individuals.
And their choice of world--let's talk about Equestria, shall we? It's very balanced--civilization here and there, with not too few monsters in between and a smattering of real threats. No matter the particulars of the version they toss you into, nine times out of ten you're guaranteed to pick up useful skills that will make you an incredible servant of their world-hopping network. Not that the Equestrians ever agreed to this, the ETSAB in particular considers them to be an organized crime ring...
Which, let's be honest here? They kind of are. Oh the ones up top go on about keeping the multiverse stable, needing us to work in dying or damaged worlds--and they have the nerve to whine when one crops up with a guardian that is not only patching things up, but flat out rejects their influence (that merchant wouldn't eat oranges for a month!). What it boils down to: Kidnapping, unwilling transformation, a candy-coated boot camp, and then it's off to be a pawn of the guys who want to keep all the chessboards in order.
Displaced. Yeah. Nice innocent term, isn't it?
Of course, I didn't know all that at first. No, no, I wasn't even a cosplayer. I arrived to the con early, and decided "Hey, so long as I'm waiting, I'll help set things up!" And there was this one guy everyone else was ignoring, I walked over, we got to chatting, he suddenly shouted 'No Wait Don't Touch That, and then...
I don't think blacking out is too shameful in this incident. A combination of the weird feeling of having my body warped and the strange twisting coloration of cross-dimensional transit--frankly, anyone who could remain awake during and after that, they have my respect. However, I will note that the sound of the portal vworping shut behind me was enough to snap me back to awareness, so I was only out of it for like... two, three seconds, tops.
When I came to, I discovered that somebody had signed me up for skydiving lessons without my permission, and also had the gall to tell the instructor I didn't need a parachute, since obviously the trees would be enough to break my fall. I had about two seconds to consider the implications of this turn of events before I hit the branches.
I decided to wait on that and panic first.
Adrenaline pumped through my veins as I swung up one hand, instincts I didn't know I had reaching for the blade I had forgotten was on my back and folding it in a way I didn't remember was possible before launching it through the trees. It hooked onto one of the branches, and with a tug on the ribbon that I discovered tied to my arm, my trajectory changed from 'flailing wildly all the way down' to 'arcing in a half-controlled swing while trying to avoid arm-sized splinters." My feet hit the ground running, and I rolled to a standstill, absently tugging at the cloth I was gripping to bring the blade to my hand.
Then the last few seconds caught up with me.
"Wait, how did I do that? I don't know how to do that!" I looked at the object in my hand, which resembled nothing so much as a pistol with a blade slapped on top of it. "What even--wait, is that my voice?" My other hand went to my throat. "Is that my--hold on, too much. Stop. Got to think. Got to--"
A low rumble caught my attention. The adrenaline still flowing in my blood tried to convince me it was a dinosaur or an on-coming train, but I retained enough of my rationality to decide it couldn't possibly be that, and slowly turned to face the source of the growl.
It turned out to be a creature that was vaguely lion shaped. In the same way that a wolf is vaguely corgi-shaped.
"So.... can, can I just say you're annoyed that I woke up your nap and back off slowly?" I asked. "Like, you're not going to try to attack me for intruding on your territory, or because you're hungry, we can just forget this ever happened?"
The tips of the creature's whiskers shimmered as its growl intensified, a segmented tail ending in a stinger rising over a small pair of bat-like wings.
"Ah. That's a no then. Um." I tried to subtly readjust my grip on the pistol sword thing. "See, the thing is, I'm forcing my voice to be calm, because I don't want you to know I'm panicking. You're some sort of wild animal, so I figure acting like I'm not taking you seriously will be enough to unbalance you and--"
The creature lunged at me--I jumped on its face and threw the blade-thing--it hooked into the branches--the stinger just missed my leg--I kicked off and swung--the creature whirled about--
--and I was hiding in the branches, trying to keep my breathing still.
Just to be clear--I had gone from a convention to a forest in the span of a few seconds, found I had tools and abilities I did not remember having, also found that I was probably no longer exactly in my own body, and encountered a deadly predator that I had no idea existed and which, quite demonstrably, wanted to eat me. Or possibly just maul me. Being killed was a serious possibility. Needless to say, I was not... okay, let's not even lie, I was entirely terrified. Don't pretend you wouldn't be too. I think the fact that I managed to hold it together as much as I did is laudable.
So the fact that I noped out of there when the creature turned, sniffing at the air, and peered suspiciously at the very tree I was hiding in--I don't think that's exactly something to be ashamed of.
Also I learned I was able to hop from tree branch to tree branch pretty easily. I mean, sure, I was panicking and I had pulled off some pretty awesome physical stunts just a few seconds ago, but that was still pretty surprising. I won't say I wasn't healthy before all this, but I wasn't, ahem, fit. So once I was far enough that I was pretty sure the creature would not be able to find me, once I had a moment to stop and think, I...
Yeah, I kind of had to doubletake at myself.
"That--oh. Okay, I... that was... what. That was what. And my voice is what, and this blade is what, and this forest is a whole lotta what what what." I took a deep breath. "No. First question: am I safe for now?"
I examined the area, noted the absence of any dangerous-looking creatures, and concluded that, yes, for the moment I was safe.
"Next question, what is my physical state?" I lifted a hand up. "Okay, that's... paler skin then I'm used to, the hand's smaller too, definitely less body hair. And--"
I looked down, and froze at the sight of a gentle valley wrapped in white and bordered with black lace.
For a moment, I just watched as it rose and fell with my breath.
"...those are new," I finally squeaked. "Would... would explain the voice change though--don't freak out. Freaking out is bad. Got to keep, keep it together."
Forcing my eyes away from my newfound assets, I examined the bladed object in my hand. "Okay. So whatever this is, I apparently know how to use it. Yay? And there's something on my back..."
With slow motions I reached behind myself. The object came off my back with only a slight tug, and I brought it forward for examination; a long, thin metal box, with a slot on one end and a handle-like hole near that. In fact, it looked familiar...
"Wait." I looked at the bladed object in my other hand, flicking it back to its unfolded state. "Wait, just a minute." Very carefully, I slid the sword into the sheathe. "I know what this is..."
My eyes narrowed.
"This is the thing that merchant told me not to touch! What the heck!"
I tilted my head. "I mean, I guess I should have listened because it could have been delicate and all that, it would have been polite, but--sending me here with... with transformy stuff and, whatever? That's... that's just not right. That's a trick that would... Oh, geeze, is this some sort of secret fairy wizard thing? Is that what this is?"
I let myself lay across the branch with a groan. "Great. Just great. Narnia or Wonderland, or is it some grimdark place with shadow monsters? I don't know, I just up and pluck the enchanted thingamajig and--!"
A frustrated sigh escaped my lips as I stared up at the leaves above me. "And maybe I'm not even the right person for this. Argh. I hope the fate of the world isn't resting on my shoulders. That would really suck."
For a moment, I just let myself lie there, contemplating the unfairness of my situation.
Then I sat up. "Okay, first thing's first. Gotta find... survival things. Water, food... not shelter, yet, plenty of trees. People would be nice, I guess. Unless they're the cryptic kind of people that twist their words..."
And with that, I continued my journey through what I would later learn was the Everfree forest, completely unaware of the eyes watching my every step.
I should probably explain Equestria, before I go any further.
A lot of you know the basics, no doubt: it's a magical land inhabited by colorful quadrupeds that are called ponies even though from the neck up they resemble meerkats in wigs. These creatures have made their own civilization, using the magic of single-horned unicorns, the weather control of winged pegasi, and the sheer tenacity of the tribe called earth ponies that don't have any visible bonuses but basically outnumber the other two kinds combined. Their princesses are all blends of the three tribes and, aside from their legislative duties, do minor things like move the sun and moon around.
Let me repeat that: Moving the sun and moon is important, but considered MINOR.
Just... just let that settle for a moment.
These colorful talking ponies live in a world with dragons, monsters, and literal chaos spirits, and they are top dog. Yes, they get attacked by other inhabitants--quite frequently, as a matter of fact. Yes, most of them are a touch above useless, in that they will evacuate themselves and let the local militia handle the issue. And, yes, the militia tends to fall under 'ragtag bunch of heroes' category--I mean the most famous group includes maybe one with military training, who isn't even the leader, alongside a dressmaker and a party planner. But here's the thing: It Works.
And yet, somehow, they're still afraid of Everfree Forest. It might just be a cultural artifact, the sun and moon princess fought a terrible battle in the castle at the center of the place, but from what I understand of magical theory it's more likely that the whole region has... broken magic. What ponies consider ordinary necessity is fundamentally impossible in these woods. And maybe that's because of the Sun/Moon fight, or maybe it's what caused the Sun/Moon fight, I don't know, but it does mean that the creatures that live in the forest are very dangerous. Even the dragons are tougher then usual. And don't get me started about the starbeasts...
The point is, I had landed in the middle of a no-man's land filled with beasts and spirits that would willingly tear me to shreds. The ponies had been scaring most of them back into complacency ever since... well, since they dealt with the fallout of the moon princess's banishment, but that protection didn't extend to me. Not one bit. So in retrospect, I was extremely lucky that Zecora found me....
So there I was, carefully walking through a forest that seemed right out of every fantasy work ever. The branches were creaking and casting shadows, odd vines and glowing plants seemed to crop up every three feet, and the aggressive caws of what I hoped were just crows echoed through the trees. What little sunlight trickled through the leaves illuminated nothing of use; a bush, a stick, a rock.
Have I mentioned that before this, I basically never went camping?
I did sort of have a plan, though. Kind of. I needed to find a source of water, and, logically, since the local animals would need to drink water, all I needed to do was find some tracks and follow them to find a river. Granted, that might have meant running into the creatures, but that incident with the lion thing had proven I was capable of getting out of range very fast.
Somehow.
I still didn't understand how I pulled that off, but I wasn't going to look a gift horse in the mouth until I was at least safely out of the range of the death forest of doom. I knew, in the back of my mind, that I would have to address the issue at some point, but I figured spacing out my freakouts would be better in the long run.
"Come on, come on..." I looked over the ground carefully, examining every patch of dirt. "Give me a pawprint, or something. There's got to be enough prey to feed whatever that thing was...."
My eyes fell on a squarish imprint with three lines jutting off one edge.
"Bingo."
With great care, I pulled out the mysterious folding-sword-with-a-gun, slowly brushing through the underbrush. As I had expected, the print was only a short distance from another, and another... a trail I could follow, and follow I did, warily keeping my ears open for any sudden rustles or menacing rumbles. Well, at first at least. I'll admit, actually knowing my plan was working got me to lower my guard just a little too much.
I glanced up from the pawprints, sliced through a bush, and came face to face with the creature that had made it in the first place. And his pals. All five of them.
The internet will throw up strange things some times. Like, for example, pictures of driftwood sculptures. They're very... interesting to look at; the artist takes bits of unformed wood and sticks them together in a roughly humanoid shape. Just in the pictures where they're standing in the forest, you sort of... expect them to move, even though you know they can't. They look like actual muscles intertwined together.
For a brief moment I thought I'd come across some rogue gallery of such things. Granted, the wood was more carved and formed, and had more canid shapes, and the twelve glowing eyes were somewhat unique, but hey different strokes for different folks, right?
Then the one looking at me raised its haunches and growled, a foul-smelling mist pouring from its muzzle.
"Okay, I can handle this. Mysterious instant expert sword powers, activate!"
Absolutely nothing happened.
"Um." I looked down at the sword, then up at the wooden monster. "I'm sure it'll come to me. Seriously. I mean it did before--"
The wolf chose that moment to lunge at my face. I was only just barely able to bring the blade between me and the thick stakes that qualified as teeth, a small cry of pain escaping my lips as the curved claws cut into my bare shoulders; a quick twist managed to force the creature to the ground, which was followed swiftly by a stomp to the creature's chest.
Its hollow chest. Which shattered around my leather boot. Trapping me in place.
"Oh what the frick."
A greenish light spiraled out of the pile of branches and logs around my foot, swiftly gathering into another nearby pile of twigs and bark. My eyes went wide as it started to twitch, individual components levitating into an already too familiar outline. The other wolves, one by one, let out a series of howls, approaching me slowly even as wedged the sword into the pile of timber holding me hostage.
"Come on, come on, leverage, sharp blade, come on...!"
I probably should have just pulled my foot out--I probably could have just pulled my foot out, knowing what I do now. But I was in a foreign land, with a strange body, and impossible creatures were clearly getting ready to maul me. A lot of my brainpower was wrapped up in just comprehending the situation, which didn't leave much for critical thinking. By all rights, I should have died right then and there.
In fact, when one of the wolves finally pounced, I assumed I was going to die then and there. I remember it very clearly; it was mid jump, I had turned to look at it, and right through my thoughts was 'Welp. This is it, ain't it. I wonder how much having your throat torn out hurts?'
And then, something that looked for all the world like an oversized zebra plushie whisked in from the side, one black hoof expertly separating head from body, while another slid to a stop in the dirt and a gold-clad third slapped the remnants away with a bamboo staff.
How did I react to this new development? By staring. My brain was basically just stuttering at what had just happened, since it had basically come out of nowhere--which really seemed to be happening a lot recently.
The other wolves seemed to hesitate, just for a brief moment, before as one charging the equine before me. Two flanked and two lunged, and the zebra reared up and twirled the staff--it, it's hard to describe, really. One wolf was flung into another, the zebra leaned back to dodge the third and the fourth was hooked mid jump and swung with ease into the other three. A great clattering sound signaled the disintegration of their bodies, even as the green light animating them started to hover into the air together.
I was still staring when the zebra turned around and examined my trapped foot. It wasn't until the bamboo staff came down on the mound of wood and somehow shifted it that I snapped out of my shock, managing to pull myself free.
"Oh. Uh... thanks. Really. I--"
"We should not tarry overlong," the zebra stated in a calm feminine voice. "When the wolves reform, they will be strong."
"Uh... right." I considered saying... anything, really, but given my mental state, I decided against it.
Instead, I followed the zebra--whose head only just reached above my waist--as she walked swiftly through the woods.
Let me stop and tell you all about the little bundle of badass that is Zecora.
You remember how the Everfree is this big scary place with crazy magic that not even the top dog ponies enter without trepidation? Yeah, Zecora lives there. She doesn't have phenomenal power or whatever; all she has is her wits, her alchemy, and her experience with all that nature provides. I think she could take on a dragon and win, so long as it was in Everfree. I'm pretty sure she has, actually. It would explain some of the stuff laying about her house.
In fact, the one time that she moved away was when super-powered chaos vines sprouted and started spreading. And even then, that was like, for a week. I mean I wasn't there for that, that happened long before I arrived, but when it takes literally invincible moving plants with knock-out gas actively strangling everything in order to get somebody to even consider leaving...
And yet, despite being one of the most hardcore ladies I have ever met, Zecora is also incredibly patient, and very caring. Granted, for ponies being caring is a staple--patient, not so much, the're a little on the high-strung side. But... look, she introduced herself by decapitating something with a flying kick, and then immediately turned around and brought me to her home. Maybe I got a little attached, what with her being the first thing that tried to make sense in this crazy situation. I still think, despite my bias, that Zecora is pretty much the one creature I would never screw with, and the one that I would never want to.
I'm counting a chaos spirit and the princesses that move the skies in that, by the way. They may meet one or the other qualifier, but only Zecora definitely meets both.
You may be wondering why I'm singing her praises. Well, in case it isn't obvious, I consider her to be a close friend of mine. And why, you may ask, do I think that? It really all started once she brought me into her house...
With a guide, the trek through the forest seemed much more... sedate. The odd noises and shifting shadows were still omnipresent, but now instead of being all consuming they were merely obstacles; obstacles that could be safely ignored, as I instead focused on not losing sight of my unexpected savior.
Not that it was difficult; a stack of golden rings surrounded both her neck and left foreleg, with another pair of golden hoops hanging from her ears. In the shadows of the trees, her dark stripes should have broken up her silhouette enough to make it harder to see her and yet, to my eyes, she never vanished. Maybe I should have realized that was odd at the time... I did eventually make the connection later. But for the moment, I simply followed, trying my best not to be... intrusive.
It was about fifteen, maybe twenty minutes later when she turned one last corner onto a dirt road and led me toward a thick tree whose branches were practically dripping in colorful flasks. A multicolored mask leaned on one of the gnarled roots, its empty eyesockets staring into my soul as my rescuer walked up the steps wedged at the tree's base. She glanced up at another mask, this one framed by leaves, and said something in a language I couldn't understand, before opening a small wooden door and beckoning me inside.
I had to get on my hands and knees to crawl in--and that was certainly interesting, given my new shape--but once I crossed the threshold I was able to stand. The inside of the tree matched the outside--shelves jammed tight with jugs and candles, even more flasks hanging from branches and watched by a number of carved equine faces mounted on the inner wall. The one who had led me here walked past the cauldron resting in the central firepit, taking time to examine a few strands on the small jut of wood that appeared to be her work desk, before turning back to me.
"You have been silent all during our walk, but now that we're home I expect you to talk."
"Wha--oh." I rubbed the back of my head for a moment... which was how I discovered my hair was longer and slightly wavier then I remembered. That distracted me for a couple of seconds before I remembered I wasn't alone. "Uh... so... nice place you've got here? Very... it's got that charm, you know... I like the masks."
The plush zebra thing slowly quirked an eyebrow.
A sigh passed through my lips. "I... look. Thanks for saving me from those things, I'd probably have a lot more splinters if you hadn't. I'm sorry, I'm just... very confused right now."
"I expected as such, if I let the truth be known. After all, to another realm you have been thrown."
I blinked. "Wait, you know about that?"
"The place we are in, the forest Everfree, has a few unique and rare quirks, you see. When from other worlds things do appear, it is not uncommon for them to do so here." She tilted her head toward the strands on the desk. "The manticores can sense when strangers arrive; most they consume, and so they do thrive. A few whiskers I keep so I am aware of when something new has come forth to bare."
It took me a bit to process what she had said--it was really the first time I had actually encountered somebody who actually exposited in RHYME--but once I did, I couldn't help but give her a look. "So, uh... you were looking for someone or something that just fell into the forest? And you just happened to find me?"
"You were honestly quite easy to track." Her lips quirked into a wry smirk. "In matters of stealth, you severely lack."
"Not... surprising," I admitted. "I'm not... I wasn't ever really a nature kind of guy. Heck, before this, I---"
My words caught in my throat, as I glanced down at... myself, again.
"...Um." I swallowed. "So... these transportations from other worlds... do you know if they, uh, cause transformations as well?"
The zebra took in my expression. Slowly, she nodded. "I thought that something about you was amiss... but I will admit disquiet at this. Transformations usually make a newcomer's shape something that will not leave natives agape. Your race, however, is unknown to me; that is something I have yet to see."
"Oh. Huh." I tried to figure out what that meant, exactly, but given how strange the entire situation was I wasn't quite in the mindset to think about it too much. "...do you have a mirror? I mean, I... still don't even know what my face looks like."
"You truly have a curious pace. Look into the cauldron to see your face."
"Right. Thanks..."
The cauldron's surface was green, but still clear enough that when I leaned over it I could see my golden eyes peering back at me. And that was new; golden eyes, with a faint slant to them, and silvery makeup of some kind on the corners. My face was certainly young-looking, except... it felt like it hadn't smiled often. Wavy bangs reached just past my thin black eyebrows, and dark hair poured like water from behind a bow to... wow, just above my waist?
"Huh... well... I guess if I had to be a girl, at least I'm a pretty one..." I reached up, watching the reflection's hand feel her cheek and brush through her hair. "I mean, I don't know why--"
My voice fell silent when my fingers hit the cloth of the bow. I had... felt something. Not with my hand, but...
In slow, wary movements, I pinched the dark ribbon, drawing it off very cautiously. It rested, tightly, in my fist as I stared into my increasingly strange reflection.
"...Cat ears. I have... cat ears."
"They are quite feline, that is certainly true. From your shock, I take it these are new?"
I looked up at the zebra. "No, you're not getting it. I thought I just turned into a girl--a female of my species--and yeah, I don't exactly look like 'me but a girl' but I thought it was just--but now I have extra ears. And I don't know what that means, exactly. I mean, does it mean--I'm in a world with, with talking zebras and wooden wolves and giant lion things and even my own body isn't the same and I have this gun sword thing I don't know how to use and am I having a breakdown I think I'm having a breakdown I'm sorry I just I can't even I don't--"
My increasingly hysterical rambling was cut off by a gentle hug.
"You have had your world turned end over end. Perhaps, for the moment, what you need is a friend?"
"I... yeah." Slowly, hesitantly, I hugged her back. "Yeah. Thanks... I... yeah."
Now, I realize that up to this point I've been basically telling you how I was panicking about my situation for a while. I want to make it clear: I grew out of that. I learned about my situation. And I guess I adapted.
Heh. Not that I ever thought I would need to adapt. This was so far outside the context of what I had lived for--I basically made my living as a professional research analyst. I could gather data, interpret it, organize it... it wasn't glamorous, to be sure, but it was a living, and I don't know if I'd have gotten as far as I did in this whole thing without the skills I picked up on the job.
It's always the way, isn't it? You bungle through life, learning whatever you can as you go, and you just.... when things crop up that you didn't prepare for, you find that what you've learned is just enough to let you survive. Or get you that new... whatever it is you wanted. Or whatever. It's not like I had a plan at all. Not a single one. But...
I'm rambling, I'm sorry. My life has certainly taken a turn for the strange. The very, very strange, if I'm honest. I mean, being dropped into another world, with a new body, that was only the beginning of my troubles. I... wow, it's been a year since then already? It's just.... there's a lot of ground to cover, I guess. A lot of stuff to explain, and...
...I think I'll just skip to the morning after Zecora got me to her house. That's when I first got to Ponyville. In retrospect, it was packed full of warning signs that I just happened to miss.
"So... I just realized I never introduced myself," I admitted as we strode down the dirt road, a stream of water bubbling beside us. "And you kind of saved my life and put up with me for the night, so that's... not right. I'm Briar Blumenthal. Or... I was, before all this... I mean, should I get a new name now that I have this body? Or is that... strange?"
"Your name's meaning is special, true, but what you choose is up to you." The small zebra gave me a wry grin. "I did once think to take pony name, but for me it is not the same. Zecora, I've had since I was born; changing it would earn my mother's scorn. And the only change of my own, you see, was that mystical time known as puberty."
"Oh. Right. Yeah, that... is a change." I couldn't help but blush. "And, honestly, I... kind of... you know... I'm not looking forward to seeing what other surprises this body has for me."
"Aside from your new feline ears, you think you will find other odd fears?"
"I mean, I don't... maybe? Maybe it turns out that I actually get a reaction from catnip or like tuna or something, but--" My blush grew. "Honestly, it's more mundane then that. Females of my species--which I still seem to be like, mostly--they kind of, well, there's this whole.... cycle, and, uh.... I mean it is really, really awkward for me to talk about."
Zecora rolled her eyes. "I live in a forest with creatures of all kind. Whatever it is, I surely won't mind."
...so then I proceeded to give her an abridged version of the talk. You know the one.
After two minutes of utter silence, Zecora nodded. "Your embarrassment brings me no surprise, now that the truth is before my eyes. But in the end, I do believe you will be well prepared for that eve."
"But--"
"Hear me out! The fact is you know what will happen and how it shall go. While your experience prior might be indirect, you know to prepare and expect this time of month you so much despair, so you have little reason to beware. Simply do what you should, and when the time nears, you shall be ready to face your fears."
"Um. Well. I mean..." I looked around, trying to find some way to change the conversation. "Oh, hey, we're coming out of the forest now, so I guess we're close to town, right?"
"Ponyville is a small trek from this place," Zecora acknowledged. "And already, I see a friendly face." She smiled, her walk picking up as we approached...
...well...
Zecora's house had been made out of a tree. This building, linked to the road by a small footbridge, almost seemed carved out of a hill. Almost, because I could see the brick walls and the crooked chimney, but the roof was layered with grass and greens. An inordinate number of birdhouses hung from wherever they could--the branches of a nearby tree, a peg leaning out from a window, a ledge on the chimney, over the front door--and as we grew closer I could see burrows dug carefully around the winding footpath. Behind the cottage proper--and calling it anything but a cottage felt wrong--a yellow quadruped with a long pink tail and mane was busily lecturing the chickens as they fluttered around their coop.
"Elizabeak, stop trying to keep the others from their meals. You may be the head hen, but that doesn't give you the right to hurt others for your own benefit."
"Fluttershy, if I could pull you from your tweets?" Zecora called out. "I have somebody that I'd like you to meet."
The yellow creature turned around, revealing a pair of dewy moss-green eyes that quite frankly made me wonder if I'd accidentally found my way into some bizarre anime. "Oh, hello Zecora. Oh, and..." Her voice, already ludicrously soft, trailed into nothingness as her eyes made her way up, up, up to my face.
I managed an awkward wave. "Hey there. Um... I'm Briar... Briar Blumenthal..."
She continued to stare at me for a bit. Then a pair of tiny feathered wings unfurled, and she hovered up to a position where she could look at me face to face. Those big dewy eyes focused on my own.
"...high binocular vision... minimal facial hair or body hair, long scalp hair... highly developed graspers on the forepaws."
"Uh--"
"Frontal development, maybe modified attraction bladders." She fluttered around behind me and poked--I jumped a bit. "Both fat and muscle on the rear, no tail. Plantigrade legs, if the shoes are anything to go by."
I swear Zecora was hiding a smile behind her hoof, but I was too busy turning around to give the yellow flying pony thing a piece of my mind. "Look, miss, I hmmnph?!"
"Eight incisors, four canines, eight premolars and eight molars. Canines are short, but prominent, probably kills animals before consumption. Molars suggest preference for less dense plant matter, no grasses, fruits and perhaps some soft leaves. Highly omnivorous."
The yellow pony pulled her hoof out of my mouth, nodded once, and turned to Zecora. "Best guess, she's descended from giant prehistoric desert raccoons."
My ears--well, the upper ones anyway--folded back at that. "I always heard it was a plains-dwelling ape... did you have to give me an examination? You could have just asked!"
It was as though a switch was flipped in her mind. Her face went as pink as her mane, and she practically fell to the ground with a strangely adorable squeak. "Oh my gosh. I am so so sorry, I--I just, I saw a new critter friend, and--and I just, I am so sorry, I wasn't thinking, I--"
"Fluttershy is kind," Zecora interjected, "but if frank I might be, she has trouble talking to her fellow pony. With animals she is more at ease; I truly doubt she meant to displease."
I crossed my arms, but... look, you can't stay mad at Fluttershy. Not if she's not mad at you. I mean, all ponies have big eyes, but only Fluttershy really knows how to use them. I mean, the way she was looking at me, flustered and biting her lip, it was....
"...just don't stick your hand in my mouth again," I muttered. "Or hoof or whatever... and don't poke me in the butt."
"Okay..."
Zecora smiled faintly. "Now that this incident has passed us by, I've something to ask you, friend Fluttershy."
The yellow pony perked up at that. "Oh?"
"Briar and I were headed to Twilight. There are a few things she might make right. But the ponies in town, to say the least, might mistake Briar for some sort of beast. That's something we would like to avoid, you see--perhaps you would come with my friend and me?"
"Oh! I could do that, I guess. If, you know, Briar is okay with that..."
I had to sigh at the awkward glance she shot me. "It's fine, I guess. I don't think I'm going to get any weirder greetings then an examination."
Fluttershy and Zecora shared a look.
"...what?"
Zecora shrugged. "I would explain Pinkie Pie, but that task is far too great to try."
"Pinkie's... usually very nice," Fluttershy allowed, "and she means well, and... she can get a touch overeager when she's trying to make friends or welcome new ponies."
"Like 'tackle hug and get in your face' overeager?" I asked.
"...More like 'bring out her party cannon and invite half the town' overeager," Fluttershy replied.
"Party cannon?"
"It's... trust me, you have to see it to believe it."
Friendly and overeager, that's certainly one way to describe her. It's sort of like describing an ocean as 'big and a bit wet.' It undersells the entire experience--no, it doesn't sell it at all, it's a tangentially related... commercial, thing. I mean...
Pinkie Pie is Pink. Not just 'pink coat, pink mane, and likes girly things.' Pinkie Pie is AGGRESSIVELY Pink. She covers the entire spectrum of pink, from tacky pink to caring pink to 'how is that even a color' pink. I'm not talking about how she looks. I'm talking about how she acts. She has exactly four modes: Party Planner, Friend Cheerer, Toon Physics, and the rarely seen near legendary Sleeping.
Okay, I'm exaggerating a bit. She's got a couple other modes, Listener and Sob Story, but those are attached to the primary three. And... they only happen when she really gets important stuff on her mind. Exactly what she considers important isn't quite predictable, but generally it has to do with interpersonal relationships--hers and others.
And the parties. I've been to a few parties beforehand, but they would have been too low-key for Pinkie. Although, come to think of it, conventions would probably be her speed--aside from the long lines. No, strike that, she would make the lines into mobile Pinkie Parties while she waited. Assuming she got her party cannon past the door...
...I'm actually trying to think how she would do this now. Actually, thinking about it now, Pinkie would probably sign up for the volunteer guardian position as soon as she could and come in with saddlebags packed with party paraphernalia.
The point I'm trying to make: Pinkie Pie is an experience. One that cannot be denied. It's possible to get a handle on her, for very very brief moments, or if you're close. But the first time I ever met her... well...
I had thought my situation was surreal enough. I was walking out of a fantasy forest with a zebra on one side and a yellow pegasus on the other, both about as big as an expensive plushie and just as cute, idly chatting with each other about the goings-on with the animals of the forest (one in rhyme) as we approached a country town in the middle of becoming a minor city, and I myself had been turned into a girl with a very unusual fashion sense, cat ears, and a gun sword strapped to my back.
I had thought that at least, if it got any weirder, I wouldn't be at all surprised.
Then a pink pony rode in on a unicycle, peddling with her forehooves as her rear ones juggled a combination of party hats, cupcakes, a few balloons, two rocks, and a rubber chicken. Also she had a total of seven noisemakers in her lips and was playing a pretty good polka with them.
You never forget an introduction like that. Especially not after you hold the same pony's bleeding form in your arms...
...sorry. That... that doesn't happen for a while. Bad memories. I'm trying to be... trying to keep things in order.
Anyway, my initial reaction was just to come to a standstill and stare. Because, really, what else could I do? Surprisingly enough, the pink pony also slowed to a halt, balancing on her unicycle while a few last awkward toots petered out of her noisemakers.
Zecora quirked an eyebrow.
Fluttershy sighed. "Pinkie, Discord and I have tea on tuesdays. It's wednesday."
"Toooooooooooot," the pink pony tooted in dawning comprehension.
"Discord told her she couldn't possibly surprise him," the pegasus explained. "She's been trying to pull off things like this ever since--"
"Toodliytootoot?"
"What--? Oh." Fluttershy gestured at me, still standing and staring. "This is Briar Blumenthal."
"Tootly tooter!" The pony proceeded to defy all biology by moving her noisemakers to her tail, switching the pair of limbs she was peddling with, and holding out one hoof while juggling with the other, all in the space of a single flip. "My name's Pinkamena Diane Pie, but you can call me Pinkie!"
Yeah, that was... she's flexible. She's like a balloon with bones. But it's REALLY freaky seeing it the first time. It took me a few seconds to realize she was holding her hoof out to me--and I'll admit I hesitated a moment, even as my arm rose, before fist-bumping her.
Awkwardly.
SHE WAS A PINK PONY ON A UNICYCLE. I'm sorry, there's so much more to that situation, but you know that's kind of something that just... what?!
"Welcome to Ponyville!" she chirped brightly. "What's a frazzled fairy filly like you doing here?"
"How merry, a fairy?" Zecora asked.
"Why do you say filly?" Fluttershy asked.
"Do I really look frazzled?" I asked.
"Well duh!" Pinkie pointed at my legs. "She has a cutie mark, so she's clearly a pony, except she's not a pony, so she must have been changed by magic, so she had to live with fairies! And yeah, you do look kind of weirded out by everything. I know the expression."
"I'm more confused at the 'filly' part," Fluttershy admitted. "I mean, with his mating bladders--"
"They're breasts," I admitted, face flushed.
She blinked. "...um. Do males of your species--?"
"This body is female," I said briskly. "Although I only got it recently."
"...so, are you a sequential hermaphrodite--?"
"I am a former male transported to another world and transmuted into a female body with a few odd mutations please do not push this matter further."
For a moment the only sound was the squeaking of balloons and rubber chicken as they hit Pinkie's hoof repeatedly.
Zecora cleared her throat. "We seek Twilight's aide, for as you now know, this situation is strange and not without woe. It might be best to keep close to heart the knowledge my friend did choose to impart."
"Super secret, gotcha." The objects Pinkie was juggling suddenly performed a complicated dance, and three cupcakes ended up on her outstretched hoof. "Here you go! I'll get you a real party later, if you settle in."
I cautiously took the pastries, handing one to each of the equines on either side of me. "Er... thank you." Out of the corner of my eyes, I noted that both Zecora and Fluttershy were casually biting into their treats.
"Oh!" Pinkie turned to Fluttershy. "Should I get the rest of the girls?"
"Hmm? Oh, no." Fluttershy swallowed her bite of cupcake. "Not yet, anyway. Rarity might want to meet Briar to talk about clothes and such, but I don't think Applejack or Rainbow Dash really would... contribute anything to the situation. Oh, but feel free to invite them to the party when it happens."
"Will do! Laters, gators!" Pinkie saluted, spun around, and pedaled away at high speed.
I glanced at the cupcake still in my hands. "So... that was Pinkie Pie?"
"Mmmhmm."
After a moment, I bit into the cupcake--and immediately swallowed. "Um. Wow. Does she buy these or--"
"She works at Sugarcube corner, she's a baker."
"Oh." I took another, slower bite. "Well. She... definitely earns her pay, I guess."
Zecora chuckled. "The taste of her baking you'll not soon forget, and I've not found any sweeter as yet. But let us not stand here in idle chitchat. To Twilight's we must go, that simply is that."
"Right." I nodded as they started off, following after them; my thoughts were slowly, forcibly, being pried away from what had just happened, even as I took another bite of the cupcake.
Something odd struck me, though, and I swallowed. "So... she said I had a cutie mark? What's that mean?"
Fluttershy blinked, turning to me. "Well, what do you call those images on your legs?"
I held up a finger, paused, and looked at my thighs. Sure enough, a particular image was emblazoned on the outer side of my socks, just underneath my shorts--a silvery oval, with two wavy lines framing three curved... fire things.
"Well, I only just noticed that, but I think I'd call it an emblem." I continued walking with a frown. "I mean, that word... feels right..."
"It's just slightly out of position for a cutie mark," Fluttershy explained, gesturing to her hip with a wing. "Ponies get them when we discover our special talent."
I noted, for the first time, the pink and blue trio of butterflies on her flank. "So... you decide what you're good at, and you get a tattoo for it?"
"No, it's... it's a realization of what we're meant to do, and the cutie mark appears." She looked at me. "How did you get your... emblem?"
"I didn't have it before I came to this world."
"...oh." Her ears folded back. "I... didn't know that."
"...these cutie mark things... they're important to you ponies?"
"When a foal is ready to grow up, or at least start, a mark will appear as a guide to their heart." Zecora smiled faintly. "My kind has it different; we meditate long, but our destined symbol has a bond just as strong."
I nodded. "It's... it's a very pretty mark, Fluttershy. And who knows," I added with what I hoped was a jovial tone, "these things might mean something too! I just... have to figure it out."
Fluttershy glanced up at me. "Well, if you do... I'll help out how I can."
Neither of us realized, at the time, just what she had promised.
So, funny story, the palace doesn't actually have a name. See, Twilight opened it up for a vote, there was an initial suggestion period, and then this big paperwork kerfluffle.... I don't understand all the details, but I've heard it variously referred to as Twilight's Palace, the Castle of Harmony, the Fortress of Friendship, the Rainbow Power Monument, and the Eyesore.
It's a big blue-purple crystal tree. And I mean big. Like ten stories. Not counting the upper spire.
It's not what it looks like that matters though. I mean, it's a big fantasy... thing, there are plenty of those around. But the thing is, the palace was apparently the magically generated offspring of a magical tree--trees are kind of important in the whole... work of magic that is going on in this world. Look, the point is that the whole palace is inundated with harmony magic. Or, well, technically it causes co-resonation with pre-existing magic to an exponential effect, thereby promoting the magical balance of harmony---
Okay, this isn't explaining anything. Um.
The point is, because of how the palace works, and because of what happened to me, it's not.... it's a very odd place for me to be. It's a side effect of... the whole...
...Okay, you know what, I'm... It's technical.
Very technical.
Look, it's freaky, alright? Freaky shit happens to me in that tree palace thing. It's nothing bad, just weird. Which really sucks because it's also Twilight's home and the place with the biggest magical library and, you know, a freakin' palace. If I had any idea what was going to happen when I stepped in the first time... well...
...I mean, I might have anyway, but...
It's... it's just weird. Let me say that. It's all very weird.
"So..." I glanced around at the stares I was getting. "I take it that this place isn't exactly used to newcomers?"
"Actually we are," Fluttershy assured me. "It's just that the newcomers tend to be a touch... um..." Her wings fluttered for a couple of seconds. "...rambunctious! You know."
Zecora snorted. "Rambunctious is certainly one way to describe the chaos that can come to stay. The threats this village has faced down--the parasprites alone consumed the town!"
"They were just following their instincts," Fluttershy mumbled. "And it was Twilight that rewrote their dietary methods, so they can't entirely be blamed..."
"Nightmare Moon, the Ursai, Discord too, Tirek and Trixie to name a few--"
"But they all came around! Except Tirek. And the Ursa Minor was just a baby anyway."
"When Twilight panicked or Spike succumbed to greed--to say much more, there is little need."
I rubbed the back of my head. "I'm not going to lie, this is... not sounding like the safest place in the world right now..."
"Oh, it's not like that. Zecora's exaggerating." Fluttershy chuckled awkwardly. "Ponyville just happens to... you know... go through a little trouble every now and again, what with being next to the Everfree and having a few powerful artifacts here and there... really, we've got handling odd situations down pat."
"That much is true, I will admit; they recover so fast and the town's so fit, you would never be able to tell how many times near ruin it fell."
"Still... having experience with quick recovery doesn't exactly give me the best image of, you know, the whole.... safety thing." I paused. "I'm not going to have to fight off an invading army of shadow monsters, am I?"
"No, no," Fluttershy assured me, "town defense is strictly voluntary."
"...ooooookay then..."
I continued walking between them, trying to ignore the frightened or confused glances by every colorful equine we passed. It wasn't exactly easy--their faces were large and expressive, broadcasting their emotions pretty clearly. There didn't seem to be any panic, yet, but...
At the time, I could only judge by what I saw, and what I saw was essentially a race of living plushes judging my every footstep. The idea that something so... innocent could give off such a wary vibe... but then again, they did live next to a forest where things, apparently, fell in from other worlds. With manticores and wooden wolves and who knows what else...
I think I can be forgiven for remaining a touch tense, even with Zecora beside me.
"So, uh..." I cleared my throat awkwardly. "This Twilight person we're going to meet... what is she like?"
"She's very friendly," Fluttershy assured me quickly. "And she's very smart... although, she can be a bit, um, fastidious."
"What?"
"Checklists. She has checklists. She has checklists for checklists. She... she's gotten better, but, um, if she goes off on a tangent it might be best to calm her down quickly."
"She's not OCD, is she?"
The pony gave me a blank look.
"....Obsessive Compulsive Disorder," I clarified. "I just want to know, because I don't want to trigger... anything, or anything."
"I've... never heard of obsessive compulsive disorder before..."
"Ah. Um." I glanced away. "Just... forget I said anything then. I guess I'll figure it out on my own time."
Zecora gave me a reassuring pat. "Whatever you suspect is going to be, the best advice now is wait and see."
"Right. Of course it is." I took a look around and noticed that the rustic houses were growing less dense. "Wait, I thought Twilight lived in Ponyville?"
"Hmm?" Fluttershy looked at me, then around, and smiled faintly. "Oh, yes, she does. It's just her palace is a little ways out of the housing district."
"Her palace," I repeated, my voice just barely level.
"Yes, her... Zecora, didn't you tell Briar Twilight was a princess?"
"The fact did not come up when we had our chat. And really, how important is knowing that?" Zecora asked. "Twilight has not let her wings change the way she treats others, known or strange. Power she has, and responsibility, but other then that she seems the same to me."
"Is this normal?" I asked. "Just walking up to a royal and talking? Because that's not normal where I come from. Or I don't think it is... it might have been a few hundred years ago, but that was--"
"It's okay, really. She used to live in the library... until Tirek, um, blew it up."
I almost said something about that--almost--but I made the mistake of looking ahead. And I caught my first look at the building that would, in some ways, define everything about my future.
"...Okay." I held up my hands, took a breath, and let it out. "Okay," I said again. "I'm trying not to apply my own cultural standards to this world--I'm trying not to cause a scene. But... You are colorful talking ponies, some of you have magic--"
"All the tribes have magic, actually--"
"--and you have a princess who lives in a palace that is, basically, a crystal tree plus a treehouse. And, I don't want to cause any issues, but I have to know--is there any reason. Any reason at all. Your world looks increasingly like something from a young girl's fantasy?"
Fluttershy paused. "Um. Well. Princess Celestia is immortal, and she does call us her little ponies... I mean, it could be that maybe, um, we all sort of feel mothered by her? Or something?"
She noticed my stare and fidgeted. "...I, um. I spend a lot of time thinking about how ponies think. Usually of me, but, um..." She kicked the ground. "I'm sorry. I'll be quiet now."
"No, it's... it's fine. I'm just a little overwhelmed. This whole situation is entirely out of the blue for me." With a deep breath, I started forward again. "I just... have no idea what I'm supposed to even be doing here. What am I even asking this princess about? A way to go home? A reason behind my transformation? A quest? Basic citizenship?"
"Twilight's study of arcane arts is well known throughout these parts," Zecora explained. "At the least, she could look you over and tell what sort of magic or strange spell has had this affect you suffer now, if not the why then at least the how."
"So, basic wizard checkup. Great." I stopped at the foot of the small stairway leading up to the tall golden gates. "So... do we knock, or--?"
Fluttershy flew up to the doors and pushed them open, knocking as an afterthought. "Twilight! Zecora brought somebody for you to meet!"
"Or we could just walk in, I guess," I mumbled as I followed after her. "Because of course, we're all friends with the princess. No need to tell the guards anything."
"Twilight doesn't have guards," Fluttershy said. "Oh, she's probably reading up in the library again. Um, Zecora? Could you take Briar to the map room while I go get her?"
"If you think that would be best," Zecora agreed. "Come, let us find you a seat to rest."
I followed her a short distance down the long, empty hall, taking in what few banners there were. "This morning I was in a tree. Now, I'm in a different tree."
"Life can have many strange repeats... but yes, this is an odd sort of feat." The zebra stopped at one door, opening it casually. "And here, the heart of the castle lies; step in, my friend, and feast your eyes!"
Her dramatic statement, admittedly, was warranted; the room I stepped into was pretty clearly only there to house the single round crystal table at its center. The wooden chandelier with dangling crystals, the six and a half thrones with marks at their tips, the circular golden... something embossed in the floor, all of it drew attention to this one structure--a table that was blank for the moment.
I stepped in, looking around. "Well, this is a very... streamlined asthetic." I noticed a trio of butterflies on one of the thrones. "So... is Fluttershy a noble, or something?"
"Kindness's chosen, it's safe to say, but no, not a noble in that sort of way."
The look I gave Zecora was, perhaps, just a touch too exasperated. "Is this another magic thing?"
"The magic of harmony, yes, it is true." She smiled faintly. "Is the arcane still something so strange to you?"
"Look, where I'm from, magic is a story--not even that, it's a plot device! You make up some new rules, slap the word magic on it, and let the heroes bumble about with awesome powers that are impossible!" I sighed, reaching out to lean on the table. "And now it's real, and I have no idea what--"
The moment my hand made contact with the cool surface, the table burst into light--a light that flew up my arm in a second--and then I blacked out.
I should... probably explain something now. A lot of this story takes place in Equestria, but that doesn't mean that Equestria is the only important part of this story. No, there's the Merchants, and there's the Displaced, and....
Well...
There's Blake.
Blake Belladonna, or, well, a Blake Belladonna. The situation's complicated, a lot more then I even realized at the time, but... I probably should have mentioned her earlier. Seeing as it's her body I was transformed into and all. It's just... how do I even begin with this...
Should I start by saying she's been oppressed all her life, because she has an extra set of ears? I mean, that's important to her, it pretty much defined her, but in Equestria it wasn't nearly so big of a deal. And how others treat a person doesn't exactly describe the person themselves...
Should I, maybe, explain the group she was in? The White Fang, which if I understand correctly was meant to help members of her kind, but went sour and forced her decision to leave. Blake defined herself by her relation with the Fang quite a bit--the fact that it did not exist in Equestria really rattled her.
Maybe I should be describing her personal traits--her love of books, her cynical distrust of everyone, how deeply she values what friendships she had and how fragile she always fears those friendships to be... her paranoia and self-loathing, only one of which I can say makes any sense.
Then again, she's a teenager. Came as a shock to me, that--I guess they grow them tall back where she comes from. Still, it would explain some of her more... unusual mood swings--
Alright, alright, I'm joking. I'm sorry.
Anyway, I really should have mentioned Blake earlier. She's as much a part of this story as I am--more, actually, given... well, that's not going to be for a while. But this, well... this is when I first met her.
And wow, did it not go the way either of us expected.
I awoke with a jolt, sitting up and looking around the tiled path I found myself lying on. It was no longer a bright day, but instead a foggy night--a night, I realized as I looked up, illuminated by a partially shattered moon.
"....O-kay then, I've been drop-kicked into a horror film." I glanced down at myself and sighed. "Still a girl. Great." At least I still had the gun-sword on my back; any zombies that wanted a piece of my brains were in for a world of hurt.
I stood up, trying to find something in the thick mist. It seemed to rise a good eighty feet before abruptly stopping, roiling like a sea of clouds. Rising above it, outlined in the starry sky, was the still form of a dragon perched atop a great, elegant tower.
"Right. Big building. Big monster. Lots of fog. The smart thing," I mused, "would be to walk away from the obvious lair of evil and find a local village."
I looked around and gave a frustrated sigh. "Except, of course, I can't see anything else in this... stupid Silent Hill fog that's everywhere."
Reluctantly, I walked down the hexagonal tiles toward the dragon-topped tower in the distance. Things grew clearer as I approached; stone archways towered to either side of me, some smashed by an unknown force, large outlines of buildings became vaguely visible ahead...
...and before I could approach them, I came across a frozen battle. A tableau of people, some frightened and lying on the ground, others fighting... creatures with bony faceplates and darkened fur. The gunsword strapped to my back would not be out of place here; there were a number of odd weapons in the hands of the still warriors, odd hybrids and even stranger things. It was pretty clear this wasn't a unified group--each one had an individual outfit, ranging from plate armor to fashionista to some crazy skater get-up. The oddest part, though, were their faces--a number of them had eyes, but apart from that very few had any visual distinction.
"...Yeah, this is some sort of mental world, isn't it." I maneuvered carefully through the battlefield, stepping over a fallen warrior. "The fog, the mysterious creatures, half-remembered faces, definitely a crazy metaphor going on here--is that a mecha? That... that just ruins the aesthetic!"
The mecha, frozen as it was, did not notice my complaint.
I took a breath and let it out. "Right. Never mind. I'm sure that represents... something that I'll figure out. This really is a Silent Hill rip-off, isn't it? God, I wish I knew how those mechanics worked now."
My journey through the fog continued, footsteps seeming to echo into nothingness as the outlines of buildings grew closer. Orange light began to mark windows, gleaming faintly like candles scattered across the structures emerging through the mist. I considered going toward them, but at the same time I felt I would have a better idea of what I was looking for if I got a clear look at the dragon tower, so I kept walking forward.
Right up until a statue appeared out of the mist.
"Huh." I looked it over. "Okay. Guy with sword, girl with axe. Clearly heroes, from the posing... maybe they're the lost lords of this tower place? And one of those bone-face thingies underneath them... I'm guessing that's a 'defeat' position the sculptor was going for. So... hero and heroine, fight the bonefaces, then... what?" I threw up my hands. "Is it too much to ask for some sort of clue? Can I get a hint about what the hell is gomeep."
I had forgotten the first rule of horror games--always watch your back, the monsters love to sneak up on you. And with a blade pressed against my throat, I was pretty sure I was going to regret it.
"What," hissed a voice in my ear as the hand on my shoulder tightened, "are you doing in my body?"
"I, uh..." I swallowed. "Um, I'm new to this whole hostage thing, I don't know the protocol for telling you that I am not at all comfortable with how close this sword is to my neck--"
Thankfully enough, the sword was pulled away, my assailant spinning me around and shoving me into the statue so she could point the sword at my face. And, at the least, it got me a good look at her.
Her clothing was different--a pair of thigh-high boots over jeans with a white belt, a fancy white jacket over a complex black top, a small satchel on her hip and a belt around her shoulder. But the gun-sword she wielded with confidence was the same as the one strapped to my back, the emblems on the side of her boots were exactly like the ones on my socks, and the face twisted in righteous fury was completely identical to the one I had seen in the cauldron, right down to the ears.
"Answer me! What are you doing in my body?!"
I held up my hands hesitantly. "Would 'I don't know' be an acceptable answer? Because I really don't know."
"You don't--you spent yesterday wandering around the woods like an idiot, completely failed to face either a manticore or that pack of wooden beowolves, then you started whining about being a girl and freaking out about my ears--"
I flinched. "They're very pretty ears?"
"--and I was trapped in my own head, watching a complete stranger make me look like a moron and now, now that I've finally got you somewhere we can talk, the best you can say is 'I don't know?'"
I took a breath and, slowly, let it out. "Okay... first of all... I'm sorry. I don't know what is going on at all, but being locked in your own head must have been a horrible experience and I apologize for my part in it."
The expression of fury on her face lessened, but she didn't pull back the sword.
"Secondly, I... if this is your body I'm trapped in, I would like to say that I'm not going to do anything weird. I mean, uh..." I rubbed the back of my head. "Look, this is weird for me too, miss, and I--"
"Blake."
"What?"
"My name. It's... Blake. Blake Belladonna."
I nodded slowly. "Blake. Okay. Fun name."
She gave me a look. "What do you mean by that?"
"Isn't... isn't Blake a boy's name?"
"...no."
I chuckled awkwardly. "Oh. My mistake then."
Blake sighed, sheathing her sword. "This is just... the absolute worst timing for this sort of thing."
"I don't think there's any good timing for this sort of thing."
"How did this even happen?"
"A wizard did it."
"What?"
"A joke. Sorry." I paused. "Although, actually, there was that merchant guy--"
My musing was interrupted by the sound of a wind-chime's steroid abusing older sister coming from nowhere. Both me and Blake looked around, trying to determine what exactly was going on. She was the one who looked up first, so she was the one who shouted "There!"
My eyes tracked the direction she was pointing. A six-pointed magenta star had formed in the sky and was descending toward us at a controlled but rapid speed.
"What is that thing?!" I demanded.
"How should I know?!" Blake replied.
I gestured around. "I don't know what any of this is, I thought this was your mindscape!"
That was the last I got to say before the star shone brightly, bathing my world in white.
Have you ever really considered what it means to go crazy?
I'm serious. What does crazy even mean, anyway? There's the assumed baseline of 'not crazy' that everyone supposedly is, but as psychology got more and more developed they began identifying different kinds of crazy, different levels of crazy, forms of crazy that came and went. It went from something to be afraid of to something to be ashamed of... then just, you know, something that happened sometimes.
When I was young, I had a friend, ADHD, he had his pills. And he wouldn't ever take them in public. He wouldn't even mention them. I didn't know he was ADHD until this one time I was playing video games over at his place and I went to the bathroom and, whoops, he'd forgotten to put the pills away--he tried to pass it off as 'oh, my dad's got some stupid thing going on, doctor's orders.' Of course I, being the curious little idiot I was, went online to figure out what the pills were when I got back home and...
...I was an idiot, and that almost cost me my friendship with the guy. He freaked out when he found out I knew. The only reason we stuck together was because I swore not to tell anyone.
Nowadays, it's not something you worry about. Somebody pulls an orange bottle, pops a pill, it'll get a look or two but it's not 'look at the weirdo.' It's more... the look you give when you see a woman putting on lipstick, or that some people give when they see a woman breastfeeding their kid. 'Keep it to the bathrooms.' That sort of thing. And that's not right, I guess, but it's...
My point is, I don't... think I'm compromised, mentally. Not now. But I did start to question it back then. And I kept it handled, but it was not the best way I could have reacted.
Sensation slowly returned, informing me that I was on a cool, hard surface and also a lovely family of kangaroos had decided to take up residence in my skull. My eyes opened blearily, and my vision slowly began to unblur, allowing me to see the fuzzy purple oatmeal tube inches from my face. Sounds in patterns reached me, and after a moment, I realized they were words.
"...think she's going to be okay. The magic doesn't seem to have disrupted her thaumic flow, although of course I don't have a prior baseline to compare it to in this case, but cross-referencing with all the magical ailments that I know of--"
"Yer a wizard, Harry," I mumbled without thinking.
Oh great. I'm stuck back here again.
"Oh, you're awake!" The fuzzy tube rose, taking my shoulder and gently helping me into a sitting position. "I'm sorry about the thing with the map. It's honestly still something I don't quite understand the full workings of--"
"Right, right." I patted the purple tube comfortingly, following it up its length and only belatedly realizing that it was connected to a purple sack with wings and a head. "Right. I'm sorry, you're...?"
"Oh! Right." The head smiled. "I'm Twilight Sparkle. You can just call me Twilight."
"Twilight's sparkle?" I shook my head. "You're not a vampire, are you?"
"Um... no."
And now he's making me look like an idiot again. This is perfect.
The last of the kangaroos finally settled down, allowing me to make a better assessment of the situation. "Wait. You're the princess Zecora was taking me to meet."
"Indeed she is, though I must say fast that I did not expect your sudden repast." Zecora trotted around the table. "When your hand touched this marvel of magical might, you fell to slumber in a great beam of light. It worried me much, that is quite true. Can you say what the map did to you?"
Nothing helpful, I can tell you that much. I can't even move my own body.
My eyes went wide. "I, it--bathroom. I'm really sorry, I need a bathroom right now."
What?
"Like right now right now," I said. "You do have bathrooms, right? Toilets, locked doors, no chamberpots?"
Twilight blinked. "Um. There's one right down the hallway. Out the door, to your left, fourth door on the right. Are you saying the map filled your bladder, or--?"
"I really do not want to have this discussion I'll be right back I promise thanks nice meeting you bye!"
I rushed out the door, down the hall--
I don't even know anymore. Is this some sort of ironic punishment?
--into the bathroom, slammed the door shut and locked it. "Blake, is that you?"
Wait, what? You can hear me?
"Yes. Well, I can now." I rubbed my forehead. "That table map thing, I think it did something..."
Of course it did. A sigh reverberated through my head--and that was a weird sensation, all things told. Well, at least it's better than nothing.
"Yeah, I guess." With a deep breath, I turned to the mirror over the sink. "Look, this whole situation is weird and it must really suck for you. I don't know what's going on, but I think we need to have a talk and figure out where to go from here."
Do we really need to have this talk in a bathroom?
"We have privacy here, alright? How do you think the ponies would react if I started talking to somebody who wasn't there?"
I... I don't know. They seem nice, if a little... weird.
"They don't know what OCD is. I'm not sure what that says about their study into psychology, but... the point is, I think we both want to avoid a padded room. Assuming they even have those."
...I guess you have a point. So.... She trailed off for a moment. ...Alright. First of all, I want my body back. Can you do that?
I shrugged at the mirror. "I... don't know. Here, I'm going to relax, and you see if you can move anything, alright?"
Okay...
The reflection stared at me, utterly silent for a few moments.
...that... okay, that didn't work. Did you feel any sensations at all?
I sighed. "No."
Damn. I mean, I think I took over before, when we were falling into the forest, but--
"Wait, you were the one that did the grappling-hook thing with the gun-sword? That--actually, yeah, that explains a lot."
Gambol Shroud.
"What?"
It's called Gambol Shroud. And it's not a 'gun-sword', it's a variant ballistic chain scythe.
"Really?" I rolled my eyes at the mirror. "What, is that what the guy who sold it to you called it?"
Actually, I made Gambol Shroud myself.
"...really? Huh. You, uh, you've got to be quite the weaponsmith then."
No, it's a pretty basic weapon, you can even see where I-- we're getting off topic. I know it's possible for me to get my body back, it happened back in the forest--
"I'm pretty sure I was panicking," I offered. "Maybe that... did something. Opened up the channels of thought or whatever." I sighed. "Of course, if switching over only happens in case of emergency, that's not going to work."
Still, it means I can at least keep us alive if we have to fight more monsters. Mysterious instant expert sword powers, though, really?
"I... kind of thought what happened when we were falling would happen again..."
Well it didn't, for some reason.
"Yeah. Still, I don't think that will be a problem--how often do you have to fight monsters anyway?"
Depending on the month, it can range from once every two weeks to a few times every day.
I blinked at my reflection. "Uh... wow. I... huh. I was thinking 'basically never,' honestly."
Well, if you live in a kingdom.
"...Okay, I think we need to have a long talk about where we both come from at some point, because I'm pretty sure it's nowhere near each other." I took a moment to compose myself. "For now, though, let's talk about what to do next."
Long term goal: get me back into my body.
I rolled my eyes again. "Yes, that much is fair. I mean... I kind of want to figure out what happened to my body, just so that I don't end up trapped in some sort of limbo... but that's long-term. I mean immediate, here and now. Practicalities."
Right...
"I mean these ponies seem to be the local civilization. Plus they have magic, which is probably our best bet on figuring out what happened. So, you know, we should try to ingratiate ourselves with them."
That's a very nice way to say 'let's live off their goodwill.'
A snort escaped my lips. "We can find a job later, after we get citizenship or whatever."
Getting citizenship might be harder than you think...
"Well, you're pessimistic. Do you have any suggestions or are you just going to complain about everything?"
Blake was silent for a moment.
"...not that you don't have a right to complain," I added. "I mean, like I said, you're really in a bad place--"
If you're really stuck in my body, I think I'm going to have to put you through your paces. Your jumping form is horrible, you nearly fell out of those trees twelve times, and don't even get me started on how stupidly you used Gambol Shroud--no, she declared, we are definitely going to start some training sessions.
I winced. "Right. That sounds like it's going to be pure suffering, but sure."
It can wait until we're finished with Twilight, at the least. Speaking of, I think we should head back--
"Actually, um. While we're here." I fidgeted awkwardly. "If... I'm in charge, I'm going to need to, you know..."
I know what?
"...this is a bathroom."
Oh. OH. Blake groaned. Right, we're going to have to deal with that, aren't we?
"I figure we should at least talk about how to handle it, and all..."
No, I'm NOT going to tell you what happened next. It was awkward enough living it once. Yeesh, you're almost as bad as Twilight...
Well, okay, Twilight's really not that bad. Well, usually. At her worst I wondered whether she would kidnap me and strap me to a table--Spike assures me that she doesn't do that sort of thing anymore, but the fact that she used to is pretty telling. Thankfully, there are some warning signs when she's slipping into super-science mode, and thanks to Blake's training I'm good enough to get out of there before she absolutely snaps.
And aside from her obsessive tendencies, and her absolute panic at even the possibility of failure, Twilight's actually a pretty decent person. Well educated and intelligent, not necessarily a mandatory combination, as well as genuinely caring for the people around her. Even if she hadn't become a princess, I wouldn't have been surprised to find her in charge of something important. Maybe a magical laboratory of some sort. I suspect that was what she was aiming for, before she came to Ponyville and... ended up becoming a national hero somehow.
That sort of thing just sort of happens in Ponyville...
The thing about Twilight is that she has a lust for knowledge. Like I wouldn't be surprised if her perfect pony was a professor that lectured on quantum physics in the bedroom. I would seriously not be surprised at all. In fact, scratch the pony, for all I know she doesn't have any hangups on interspecies relationships. Give her a shoggoth with an IQ of two hundred something and WOW this is going places I don't want to be. My point is, Twilight's main strength and her main flaw is the urge to figure things out, be they the mysteries of magic or, you know, just why the new friend is in a weird semi-panicked state.
Twilight rubbed the back of her head as I returned to the throne room. "So, I don't want to make this awkward, but you were in there for a while, and given that this happened right after the whole thing with the map, I was just sort of wondering--"
"How much did Zecora tell you?"
"She mentioned that you came from another universe and had apparently been transformed."
"Yeah, into... let's just say this is the first time since arriving I had to notice... details about my new body, and leave it at that."
Can we please not talk about this...
"SO." I cleared my throat. "Anyway, I'm sorry about the poor introduction. It's a pleasure to meet you, your highness."
"It's... just Twilight." The purple pony gave me a sheepish smile. "I don't really use the princess title all that often."
That kicked my opinion of her up a few notches. "Well, good. I mean, having power and knowing when to use it, two different things, right?"
"Right." Twilight cleared her throat. "Well, now that you're awake, I can do a proper analysis of your ethereal structure to if there are any unusual manifestations."
"...How much would I have to study to understand anything you just said?"
Really, Briar? Really?
"I mean magic is still basically entirely new to me," I explained to the confused pony. "Like, I get that it exists and you can do things with it that are otherwise impossible through sheer willpower, and beyond that I don't know any of the mechanics at all."
"She's going to check your innate magic and see if there's anything weird."
I turned to the throne room doors, blinking in surprise. "Oh. Thanks, uh...?"
"Spike." The purple bipedal lizard thing held out a hand. "I'm a dragon."
A DRAGON?!
"A dragon, huh?" I leaned down and took the hand. "First one I've ever met."
Wait, she can't be a dragon. She's too small and... not a Grimm.
"I mean, I've heard stories... No offense, but aren't you guys supposed to be a bit bigger and more, you know, aggressive?"
Spike sagged a bit. "Yeah, well, I'm still pretty young."
"I hatched Spike when I was just a filly," Twilight informed me. "And we've been together basically ever since."
"You hatched a dragon... as a child."
"It was my entry exam into Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns," she explained. "You see, during the summer sun celebration I--"
"Twilight," Spike interjected, "your cutie mark story is pretty amazing--I'm in it, after all--but maybe you should do the magic scan before you get caught up in reminiscing?"
"Oh! Right." Twilight cleared her throat. "Well, if you'll just hold still for a bit, I'll be able to give you a once over."
I took a deep breath, steadying myself. "Well, I should start believing in this... magic stuff anyway."
"Relax. I've done this.... well, I've done something like this loads of times. Scanning ancient artifacts can't be too different from scanning living creatures."
Her horn lit up even as my eyes snapped wide, and before I could protest a wave of violet light enveloped me. I couldn't help but hold absolutely still, even as some kind of energy radiated up and down the field that wrapped tightly around my form.
Huh. This... actually feels familiar for some reason. Is she reading our aura?
I managed a very, very minute shrug.
Twilight frowned for a moment, letting the light on her horn die. "Hmm. Well, that's... pretty interesting. I don't know if it's a side effect of the map, but... are you absolutely sure that nothing happened after it hit you? Nothing changed, nothing new?"
"Well." I took a breath. "I, uh. I technically never said there was no effect--"
Weren't you the one paranoid that these ponies would think you were crazy?
"I'm really, really not comfortable talking about it."
Twilight frowned. "I can't help you if I don't know what the problem is."
"I don't think I need help with this. And I'm not sure it's exactly a problem anyway."
'Not exactly a problem.' Thank you.
"The map is meant to help spread the magic of friendship and harmony throughout Equestria," Twilight said in what she probably thought was a gentle tone. "I'm sure whatever vision you saw is only the first step on a journey that--"
I held up my hands. "Look. There are so many things about this situation that I find strange that are overwhelming me. I just want to take it one step at a time right now. Is there anything magically 'wrong' with me, any curse or sickness that I will need to deal with?"
"You're... stable, mostly." She bit her lip. "There's an unusual vacillation in your core ethereal structure, but it seems to be remarkably coherent--it's not threatening to deconstruct your essence, if anything it's like a second essence is present. Apart from that, you have a deeply integrated self-consistency, which probably means you can deflect most damage to your physical form, and an integrated extension manifestation--sort of like a highly specialized unicorn horn, you can probably do only one spell but you can do it instinctively."
"Oh. What spell?"
"I have no idea."
That sounds like my semblance. I'll... tell you about that later.
"As for your transformation..." Twilight shrugged with her wings. "I can't tell you much. Maybe with a deeper scan and some time I could trace the restructuring of your manifestation, but somehow I don't think spending the day strapped to the table is really something you'd appreciate."
"Yeah... no." I shook my head. "No, I am not in the mood to go to the science lab and be prodded."
"I figured as much. So... do you have any other plans?"
I shrugged helplessly. "At the moment I just want to figure out how I'm supposed to get by. What with not being a citizen, or having any references... or anywhere to go..."
My breath hitched for a moment. "Sorry, I---like I said, I'm kind of overwhelmed right now. I mean I guess I could handle all that on my own, if--"
Twilight shook her head. "Nonsense. I might not be able to send you back yet, but I'm not the princess of friendship for nothing."
Princess of friendship?
"Princess of friendship?"
"Yes. The princess of friendship, researcher into the magic of friendship, general solver of friendship problems--"
"So you're speaking about friendship in the abstract sense as the positive nonromantic relationship between two or more individuals?" I asked.
"...yes?"
"Is there a kingdom of friendship I should know about?"
"No." Twilight rolled her eyes. "I'm not that kind of princess."
"So you're not a ruler."
"Not... directly. I am in the line for the throne, in the event that princess Celestia and princess Luna go missing, but otherwise my duties essentially boil down to helping ponies with their problems. Such as, you know, jumpstarting a new friend's acceptance as a citizen of the nation."
I held up a finger, paused, and lowered it. "I have a feeling that asking about this any more would just lead to an infinite stream of questions, and right now I'm not in the mood for that. I guess I'll study all that on my own time."
"I have a library right here in the castle. I'd be happy to lend you some books--"
That's a question that civilizations everywhere have been asking since, well, before there was civilization. If a tribe wandered across a stranger, they might all come to an agreement that taking them in was a good idea, or maybe think that there was a reason for the stranger to be alone. Such a simple question has many angles, even before one considers all the complexities that come with society--money, jobs, laws, transportation. People from different backgrounds might have different standards, different concepts of normal, and setting them to rub shoulders almost always causes some confusion.
And that's before we take into account things like, you know, magic. Or being different species. Or twice as tall as the usual race. I mean, I was expecting being registered into the Equestrian populace to be a big thing that took hours for just a probationary license, even with the help of a highly placed individual like Twilight.
But... well, all she did was ask me a few basic questions, inform me of a general set of laws, and then had me sign a few documents. She actually seemed surprised when I asked how long it would take for me to get processed...
It just felt... too convenient, honestly. I think it was about that time that I started to suspect there was more going on then just randomly being transformed and thrust into another world. I couldn't really put a name to my feelings, exactly, I couldn't quite put into words what was making me wary. I was being given what I needed with little question, and not even any apparent 'debt' hanging over my head.
Of course, it turned out there was a very good reason for the convenience. I wouldn't find out what it was for a while yet. I was too busy worrying about mundane things like having a place to sleep, but...
I can't really blame the ponies. They helped me out, after all. They're as much victims as I am.
"...and that should be about it, for now!" Twilight finished checking the boxes on the paper, giggling to herself. "A full and complete checklist. It's the little things that make life worth living, you know?"
I nodded in agreement. "I was an analyst. Marking up data, seeing the patterns... it was relaxing, in its own way. So... that's really it? I'm officially a citizen of Equestria?"
"Yep."
"With all the rights therein."
"Why is that so surprising?" Twilight asked.
"It's just... I literally just wandered out of the Everfree today. And you're taking me in. Just like that."
"Well, not just like that," Twilight admitted. "If you'd gone through the usual channels, it could have taken a week."
A week? Blake hummed thoughtfully. That's around half the time it takes a kingdom to process refugees...
"...What is your world like?"
"Well, it's very friendly," Twilight said, "although we do have our own issues--"
"No, that's not--" I shook my head, trying to come up with an excuse beyond 'talking to the voice in my head'. "I mean... this is all very easy. And sudden. Does this happen often, is my question--new citizens coming in from outside civilization."
"Huh. Well." Twilight tapped her chin. "We get plenty of griffons, for some reason. And a smattering of individuals from other races. It's more common in places like Manehattan, where there's a lot of cross-country trade." She glanced down at the documents in front of her. "But that's transference from other countries, really. If you're talking about the Acceptance paperwork, I think that's... hmmm. I haven't looked at those statistics, but from the way this is structured it had to have been updated within the past two decades."
"Which means it's regular enough to require updates. And the fact that there's a checkbox for 'undiscovered' races suggests--"
"Species."
I blinked. "What?"
"Undiscovered species." Twilight tapped the paper firmly. "Race is a product of culture, at least legally speaking. I'm not saying it's not important, plenty of pegasi have pride in their feathers, but when a pony crashes through a five-story window the law doesn't care if they did it with wings or balloons."
That's an interesting view to take.
"So... your society promotes equal treatment?" I asked.
"For the most part. The three tribes--pegasus, unicorn, earth pony--united over a thousand years ago. There are some accommodation laws, mostly due to interspecies stature and diets, but those tend to be practical things." She rolled her eyes. "Of course, there are always some tribalists lobbying for 'universal cloud conversion' or 'dampeners for all unicorn foals'. Rational arguments only work on the sensible."
I nodded in agreement. No matter how enlightened a society, there would always be those special few who wanted all the light to themselves. "So... back to my original point, what you seem to be implying is that you discover new species who want to join society regularly enough to be prepared for it."
"Well, not necessarily 'new.' I remember hearing about a sphinx living in Fillydelphia when I was a foal, but the majority of them are fairly solitary and don't feel the need to enter our legality." Twilight glanced down at the paperwork. "So, there's no sphinx checkmark here. Just, you know, other. Then again, sphinxes are huge winged carnivores, about a quarter the size of a full grown dragon, so..."
"Uh... huh." I gave the paper a nervous glance. "How much of this world have you explored, anyway?"
"What do you mean by explored, exactly?"
"I mean... how many unknown lands are there in this place? How many mysterious wilds or... lost ruins are there out there, how much do the countries you know about actually control?"
Twilight tilted her head. "Does... does your world not have wild zones?"
"Well... not like yours, apparently," I managed. "There are plenty of forests, or places where people don't live, but we have a vague idea of what's in there and most of the time, the wild animals are smart enough to not screw with cities." I gestured at the paper. "It's not like this, where you can apparently find refugees from villages nobody knew about--that sort of thing just doesn't happen anymore."
Wait, are you serious? Blake asked, surprised.
"Huh." Twilight frowned for a moment. "I... see. If your world's so interconnected, it's highly likely somebody will notice you missing, right?"
"Not really," I sighed. "I mean, my friends and family will, and I'm sure they'll report it, and then... well, somebody will get paid to look, and find nothing because magically being transported to another world and being transformed is literally the work of fiction. So after a while, the professionals will give up, and I'll just be known as 'that guy who vanished one day.'"
Twilight gasped. "That's... that's horrible! How could anybody be so cruel?"
"It's not cruelty. It's apathy and... well, this is just outside my world's scope to handle." I took a slow breath. "Which is why, after I get my feet under myself, one of the big things I'm going to try to do is find out how I got here and... maybe, if I can go home."
And what about me?
"Another big thing is finding out how I got in this body and reversing it," I assured Blake.
"Well... I can't say that I disagree with your plans," Twilight mused. "In fact, I'd be willing to help in any way I can, it's just that I'll have to gather the information and form theories. That could take a while."
"I understand entirely. Which is why my plan right now is just to make sure I can survive in this world of yours." I glanced at the paperwork again. "That's a start, I guess. But now I need a place to stay, and some sort of income so I can buy food and other things... I'm sorry, I don't mean that you have to give that to me. You've been so helpful already--"
"No, no, it's fine! I understand the importance of an itinerary." Twilight took the paperwork in her magic. "In fact, why don't you come with me to town hall? I need to file all this anyway, and it would let you look at all the publically available residential possibilities."
"Are all ponies as helpful as you," I inquired with a small grin, "or are you just trying to make a good impression?"
"I'd like to think most ponies would be willing to lend a hoof to those in need."
I shrugged, walking after her. "I mean, sure, giving directions if they're asked is pretty easy, but sitting down and filling out all the paperwork for a new citizen before personally escorting them to the town hall to look for a home? That's a bit above and beyond the call of duty."
Twilight chuckled. "Well, I am the princess of friendship, after all."
"Ah, so it's a reputation thing."
"No, it's a friend thing. I mean..." She turned, a worried frown on her face. "We... are friends, right?"
"Well... I'd like to think we could become friends," I replied cautiously.
"...I see."
Little did I know what I had just signed myself up for.
I really dislike reducing people down to one trait. Have even before this whole mess started. I know enough history to know that's always, always a bad route to go. But....
Rainbow, Freaking, Dash.
Rainbow Dash is every athlete stereotype rolled up into one rainbow-maned flying mare. There is really no other way to describe her--she's devoted to her exercise and equally lazily coasts through life. She has an enormous ego that demands attention almost all the time, and a genuine urge to encourage everyone she meets. She degrades every aspect of study and intellectual pursuits unless it happens to be directly related to something she finds awesome. She's crass, rude, and short-sighted, and also devoted, caring, and warm to her friends.
So, somebody that somebody like me should absolutely not get along with, right? I'm a data analyst, or I was, and while my unwilling transformation had given me a new lease on fitness it didn't necessarily mean I had any fondness for physical effort. Not automatically, anyway, but after a few of Blake's drills.... the point is, while I wasn't necessarily a 'nerd' in the sense that I hid away behind books, I was pretty much the kind of person a 'jock' was expected to come into conflict with. Brains versus Brawn! That age-old question, and a false dichotomy.
I should absolutely have had a rivalry of some sort with Rainbow Dash, especially given how our first meeting started. I should have been completely upset, but... there's a thing about ponies. They're... genuine. That's the best word for it, they simply are Who They Are, all the time. Well, most of them anyway, there are some exceptions, but it's like... Rainbow Dash is Rainbow Dash, and she took the time to make sure she knew exactly who it was she was attacking. Not just my name. My entire self.
Oh, uh, yeah. She did start our first meeting by plowing me into the ground. See, that's a funny story...
"DON'T WORRY, TWI! I GOT IT!"
Ow! Damn it, if I'm not in control of my body I shouldn't have to feel pain from it!
"Mmrphnghph grmmph," I mumbled, shaking my head and spitting out dirt. All four of my ears were ringing, and as interesting as that experience was, I certainly wasn't in any hurry to repeat it. I tried to push myself out of the divot in the ground--
--only to feel something push my back down. "Nuh-uh! No giant weasel's going to eat my friend, not on MY watch!"
"I'm not a weasel!"
"HOLY CELESTIA! YOU CAN TALK?!"
That question was so incongruous that I had to laugh. "That, ha, that feels like something I should be asking!"
"Rainbow Dash!" Twilight cried, walking over to us. "What do you think you're doing? She is a new citizen of Ponyville, and a brand new visitor to Equestria!"
"So... she's not some sort of giant bald weasel that was trying to ambush you for lunch?"
"No," Twilight replied, deadpan.
"It'd be near impossible to cook her anyway," I added dryly.
There was a pause.
"Really, Briar?" Twilight asked. "Really?"
"Yeah you're right," the voice from my back agreed. "Skin's too tough, and she doesn't have nearly enough meat."
"Rainbow!"
"Carnivore joke, Twi. You hang around with griffons enough, you pick up on the humor." The weight accompanying the voice disappeared. "Look, sorry about that. I haven't seen anything like you before, and us being so close to the Everfree I had to just, you know, make sure my friend was safe."
I pushed myself out of the ground with a groan, dusting the dirt off my arms. "You foot the medical bills, and we'll be even."
"Medical bills?" Twilight cocked her head. "I don't understand, why would you need to pay for healthcare?"
I stared at her for a few moments. "...Healthcare is free here?"
"Well, it's tax-funded," she allowed. "But anyway, it doesn't look like you need it."
"I was just plowed face first through, what, a solid two feet of gravel."
"Psssh," said the voice of the one who had done the plowing, "I've had rougher crashes and gotten up flying."
I turned to see a blue pony with a rainbow mane hovering in midair, somehow held aloft by wings which were five sizes too small, smirking at me with crossed forelegs. "Well, back where I come from this could have serious consequences... I mean, I feel fine," I admitted reluctantly. "Which come to think of it is really weird..."
Aura, Blake stated as if that explained everything. You're welcome, by the way.
"It might be a side effect of your transformation," Twilight mused. "You do have a remarkably deeply integrated self-consistency in your ethereal structure."
The blue pony groaned. "In equuish, Twi!"
That earned her a flat look. "Basically her magic knows what her body is supposed to be like and minimizes any damage that would alter it from that framework."
Like I said. Aura. Although it's not magic.
"It sounds like magic to me," I mumbled.
Twilight gave me a look. "Yes, we... just got done establishing that it's magic."
"Right. Still a little shaken by being plowed through the ground." I stood up, brushing my legs off... and paused. "Oh, hmm. That's... something."
"What? What is it?"
"No tears in my socks. Is that magic too?"
Do you seriously not know what Aura is?
"It could be," Twilight mused. "I'd have to run some tests--"
"Not today." I took a breath. "Today is about getting me set up for tomorrow, and all the tomorrows after that."
"So wait. You've been transformed, right?" The blue pony tilted her head. "How do you know you're not some sort of bald weasel?"
I gave her a level stare. "I'm still mostly the same shape I was before... barring a few additions and some streamlining."
Are you talking about my ears?
"Not just the ears," I muttered, giving a significant glance downward.
Right, you were... Blake made a sound that probably was the closest thing to a shudder she could do while just being a voice. I don't know what's more creepy, having a human piloting my body or having a male piloting my body.
"...Yeah, I still think you look like a weasel. But in a good way," the pony assured me. "Like, you've got that smooth motion look. You might be a good gymnast or something!"
Or something.
I snorted. "Gee, thanks, I'm sure you're an expert."
"Well, pretty much, yeah! The name's Rainbow Dash. Fastest flyer in Equestria, Wonderbolt Reserve, all around awesome pegasus." She pulled a grin so cocky roosters everywhere would be jealous.
"...oh." I glanced at Twilight, who gave me a roll of her eyes, before turning back. "So... you're the head of Twilight's personal guard, I guess?"
"What? No. I mean, I guess I could be," Rainbow mused, "but, you know, I don't think Twi has asked me for that."
"Besides, I don't have a personal guard," Twilight added. "There's really no need."
That statement was just so... utterly bizarre, I had to stare at her for a second or two.
"Let me see if I understand exactly what you are saying here." I started counting off on my fingers. "Fact one: You are a princess, with all the legal authority and attention that implies."
"Yes?"
"Fact two: You live in a palace, with all the furnishings and valuables that that implies."
"Well, it is a bit modest for a palace," Twilight admitted. "But there are a few valuable artifacts."
"Oh, yes, that would be fact three: The multitude of powerful and possibly unique magical artifacts, and while I admit I know nothing about them, from brief experience they can possibly change the shape of a person or the world."
"Well... I suppose, but I would never misuse them, obviously."
"Which brings us to fact four: The location of the palace is in Ponyville, which I have been helpfully informed is regularly subject to incursions of both mundane monsters and magical megalomaniacs."
"I mean, yes, but we've always been able to handle that sort of thing. Well, me and my friends."
"On top of all that, you live with your daughter--"
"My what?!"
"Spike," I clarified. "You hatched her, she's your daughter--"
"Okay," Twilight held up a hoof. "First of all, Spike is a male dragon. Secondly, I hatched him when I was a filly--I am way, WAY too young to be his mother."
I nodded in acknowledgement. "Alright. I apologize for misinterpreting your relationship. My point is, you have family living in this palace filled with precious magical artifacts located in an event-filled hotzone."
Twilight nodded. "It's not like he has anywhere else to go."
"And, with all these facts in mind, you state, without a shred of irony, that you do not need a personal guard."
Twilight opened her mouth, paused, and frowned. "...Well... I mean... I just... I don't feel like it's right for me to have a set of guards, you know? I'm the princess of friendship. Having a set of guards blocking me from the public isn't very, you know, friendly."
"...Ah-huh." I turned to Rainbow. "So, do you think this whole situation sounds fishy, or is it just me?"
"I mean it kind of just happened," the pegasus replied with a shrug. "But now that you mention it, yeah, that's... really sort of weird, Twi."
"Do you want to be the head of my personal guard?"
"Well, I mean, on the one hoof I'd never leave you hanging and would totally wreck any bad guys that came after you. On the other... I'd be expected to just stand around all day and there'd be a lot of paperwork."
"Even if she doesn't want in on your guards, though, you should probably get one," I advised. "Heck, you let in a strange creature from the Everfree just because your zebra friend vouched for her."
"What, are you dangerous?"
I shrugged. "Maybe."
Twilight paused. "Um. You were supposed to say no."
"Twilight, I have a freaking gun-sword strapped to my back."
Gambol Shroud is a variant ballistic chain scythe, not a gun-sword!
"It's not strapped," Twilight pointed out weakly. "It's... magnets."
Rainbow and I shared a look.
"Yeah, you know something Twi, I have to agree with the weasel. I mean sure, she turned out to be cool, but you kind of took a big risk just talking to her with no precautions whatsoever."
"I fought Tirek," Twilight mumbled.
"With the power of four alicorns! And even with that you couldn't beat him, you just brought him to a standstill!"
"Who's Tirek?" I asked.
"Magic-draining centaur," Rainbow explained dismissively. "Don't worry, he's back in Tartarus now."
"Alright, alright, fine. So I'm maybe a little underprepared for the possibility of dangerous new creatures in my castle. If I promise to look into it, will you two stop lecturing me in the middle of town square?!"
I blinked, looking around for the first time in a while. Somehow, without noticing it, we had drawn a crowd.
"Aheh." Rainbow waved her hooves. "Nothing to see here, everypony! Just a little friendship problem! It's all good!"
The ponies started breaking away, murmuring amongst themselves.
I coughed into my fist. "Yeah. Okay. Could have thought that out a bit better, it was a spur of the moment kind of thing..."
It is far easier to get a house then an apartment in Ponyville.
It's an interesting facet of pony culture. Trading cities--Manehattan, Canterlot, cities where there's a lot of coming and going by necessity--have apartment complexes, yes. But they're not usually run by ponies. Ponies have this... assumption wired into them that if you need a place to rest, there will be somebody willing to take you in. Family, friends, whatever. Their houses are big--even if there's only one pony living there, there's always at least room for two bedrooms. Four, more often. A pony without a guest room is... like an american family without a car, I suppose. It happens, but it's considered kind of strange.
I, of course, did not realize this when I suggested we go looking for apartments. The strange looks that both Twilight and Rainbow gave me made it clear that something was off about my suggestion, and I had to clarify that no, I did not mean a hotel apartment... which then forced me to explain the concept of apartment complexes to them. Eventually Twilight managed to twig what I was talking about, and turned to Rainbow to explain that it was like a really, really big house.
Rainbow's reply, of course, was to ask how I expected to start such a huge family when I was the only giant weasel around.
So in the end, we went house shopping instead. I didn't have too many standards--it had to be well built and have all the basic accommodations--but Blake made a number of requests: Multiple points of entry and exit on all floors and sides, an easily defensible room of some sort to retreat to, some place that could be used to maintain Gambol Shroud safely, locks on the doors and windows--ones that could be opened easily with fingers, but not with hooves. The doors had to open inward, too.
She was paranoid. And I had to live with that paranoia.
For a whole damned week.
How are you not getting this?
"Well excuse me if I never needed to be an athlete before!"
You're in my body, the muscle memory should be there.... Get up. We need to try again.
"Blake," I growled, "I get that this is making you feel useful. I get that you need something to do, being trapped back there. But the definition of insanity is trying the same thing over and over and expecting different results."
Despite my objections, I stormed back to the taped line, rocking on my knees as I looked at the other one a short distance away.
If you think this is insane, why are you still doing it?
"Because we managed to do some tree hopping in the Everfree," I grumbled. "Look... can you change your teaching methods, maybe?"
I am a voice in your head, Blake pointed out flatly. What exactly should I do differently?
"I don't know, tell me if I'm bending my knees the wrong way or something?"
She gave a small sigh. Look, before all this I... wasn't exactly talkative, alright? Now talking's all I have left. And only one person can hear me and... and I don't know what I'm supposed to do here, but I know we need to be ready to move at a moment's notice.
I pinched the bridge of my nose, rising to a full standing position. "I know, I'm sorry... it's just... I was never good at sports in the first place. I wasn't unhealthy, but there wasn't really any reason to put me up to any serious standard." My hand made a frustrated arc. "And now... this. Look, I'm going to try again, and I want you to really feel what I'm doing, okay? Then we sit down and think about it."
But--
"Blake, this is a rut and we need to get out or we'll go nowhere."
...it's my body, she grumbled rebelliously.
"Yes, and I've had it for a week. Just..." I knelt down, gauging the distance between the marked lines. "Let's not expect miracles, okay?"
With a deep breath, I launched myself forward, sailing through the air...
...and faceplanting on the wooden boards.
"...onkah. Sno, En fink e gof pas da line dis sime..."
Technically, yes. But now we're vulnerable to Grimm attacks.
I rolled over with a groan. "Blake, we've established that there are no Grimm here."
No, but there are manticores, timberwolves, dragons, sphinxes, ursa that are not Grimm but giant star monsters, some sort of digging dog things--
"Alright, fine, I get it!" I stood up, brushing myself off. "It's just... look. You know I'm not used to the idea that giant monsters can attack, but the ponies are and they... they don't have this crazy training thing going on. They have an ordinary life in an ordinary town."
They have magic. We don't.
"Aura counts."
No it doesn't.
"If it's powered by the soul, then in my books it's freaking magic." I sat down in the chair. "I'm just saying that if there is a monster attack of some sort, we will get advanced warning. A siren or something."
That... Blake's voice dropped to a quieter register. That's not guaranteed, you know.
Right, yes, now she brought up the 'fall of Beacon.' Apparently my wandering through the mindscape was built on the memory of a tragedy...
I shook my head. "Blake, I... understand that you don't want a repeat of that. And I get that you know you can handle yourself and by proxy, I should be able to handle myself in your body, somehow. I appreciate your attempt to keep ready... but ready for what? I don't know if magic can predict the future, but I do know we can't. If there's some great conspiracy to tear everything down, how would we even find out about it? What's the point in chasing shadows?"
It's better then sitting back and doing nothing.
"But there's nothing to be done!" I pointed out in aggravation. "We don't know anything about how we ended up like this, there's not really a crime ring or any mysterious disappearances going on, the monsters are not going to rampage at any given moment--frankly I still think we need to find a job, Twilight's generosity is great and all but I want to know that I'm not reliant on the princess of mad science thinking I'm interesting enough to keep around for my survival."
For a moment, all I did was stare into empty space.
"...look. We can read a book or something," I offered. "If it'll take your mind off of things--"
I am stuck back here!
I winced.
I am stuck in my own damned head not being able to do anything while for all I know my friends are suffering and dying and, and I don't know how long I'm going to be here and the only person who can hear me doesn't even... I just want to get out of this prison. I just... I need to be useful. Somehow. If the only thing I can do is whip you into shape, that's.... that's at least something! I...
"...Maybe we could try to work on the semblance thing again," I offered.
She gave a wry chuckle. I know you're just trying to make me feel better.
"Well... yeah." I shrugged. "I mean... I'm not a monster, and as far as I can tell this isn't your fault. So... yeah, I am trying to make you feel better." A deep breath, and I gripped the arms of the chair. "And hey, if this works..."
Right. Okay. So, you...
She paused for a moment.
...Oh. Oh, I am an idiot.
"No, you're distraught and under a lot of stress and that means that you sometimes don't pick up on the obvious."
No no no. This is my semblance! she explained. It's a manifestation of my personality, not yours... not that you don't have your own semblance, but I've been trying to get you to use mine, so--
I rubbed my forehead. "Okay, so... you're going to try to help me figure out my semblance, I guess?"
Well, yes, but I think... okay, I'm going to try something. This... might get weird.
What followed felt... odd. For a moment, I was submerged in darkness--not just visually, every sense shutting off in a full body blink. It was a bit of a jolt to come back to myself, and I looked around quickly to make sure I was still where I had been.
And then I saw her.
Blake. Not just a reflection, but the Blake that had been in the mindscape, standing in the room, looking at her own hand.
"Uh..." I glanced down. "Okay, so I've still got your body, but--"
"This is a clone," Blake explained, almost distantly. "I can see through it, and... and talk through it apparently--my semblance still works." She sagged. "Oh, oh my gosh, my semblance is still--"
I stood up slowly. "Is this a good thing?"
"This is a good thing. This is a very good thing. I..." She paused, turning to me and holding her hand out. "Well, I think I have an idea of what I can do now."
I reached out. "Yeah, this looks quite--"
The moment our hands connected, she vanished.
"...helpful," I finished, deadpan.
Okay. So there are still some issues. But now that I know I can do that, I've got a plan.
For ponies, clothing is more a statement than a necessity.
To be fair, they have their fur coats, which gets rid of most of the necessity of clothing, and they're remarkably colorful, so their visual identity is easy enough without the clothing, and they have their cutie marks, which for cultural reasons would mean anything that covered that would be considered problematic. The practicality of having pockets is easily given over to the practicality of saddlebags, and while protective gear exists it's not usually more than a vest and headgear. Almost all pony clothing, therefore, has an ancestry of form before function.
This means that what clothing ponies do use tends to be either incredibly delicate or uncomfortable but resilient. There is some in-between, mind, but the idea of wearing clothes all the time usually translates only to accessories like collars or hats or... sleeve cuffs for some reason? I still don't understand how that came about. So the ponies that do make clothes are always specialists--either as artisans or as dedicated crafters. And for most of them, finding out about a creature with what to them would be strange proportions and an ingrained need to wear clothes almost all the time....
Frankly, it was a stroke of good fortune (a phrase which so aptly covers so much that happened to me in Ponyville) that Rarity not only lived nearby, but was Twilight's friend and accustomed to strange visitors. I'll admit, being mistaken for a quote giant black squirrel unquote might have been a little bit annoying, but once I managed to get out that I was there for an outfit the unicorn flipped from 'is my home infested' to 'let's butter up the customer.' And I guess Blake helped out there too? I only wanted ordinary spare clothes but where Blake's from, custom fashion is the norm, so her constant mental words were just enough to keep me from drowning in fashionable jargon.
That didn't mean I ever meant to talk to her outside clothing things, though. Differences in societal norms, I suppose, it wasn't that I disliked her or anything, especially with the discount--it was more, you know, 'when would we meet, why, what do we have in common?' Well, as it turns out, a job opportunity came up and we discovered a mutual dislike of Diamond Dogs.
Yes, yes, it's a stereotype. The catgirl hates dogs. Boo, hiss. Look, just let me lay this out...
"I'm not saying you can't use your semblance," I muttered under my breath as we walked down the road. "I'm saying, how do we explain it?"
Magic.
"You do realize that this is a world where that won't work? Magic is a well studied phenomenon, just saying 'it's magic' will have Twilight strapping us down to a table again."
She's not... that bad...
"She is."
Okay, fine, she is, Blake conceded. But she knows when to stop and she always asks permission and she could be so much worse, you know?
"Just because things could be worse doesn't mean they couldn't be better. You've heard the way her voice strains when she asks the 'how was your day' kind of questions, right?"
...I know I'm supposed to be the paranoid one, but I honestly think she just wants to be our friend. Ruby was like that for our first few days at Beacon... when she wasn't goofing off...
I rolled my eyes. Or Blake's eyes. Well, they were my eyes at the moment, so I was fully justified in rolling them.
Hey! I can reminisce, that's perfectly normal!
"It's always the same, you know. Fond memories, cute stories, and then you say 'I miss them' and go into a little quiet angst session."
Well excuse me for not immediately being able to cope with being a prisoner in my own body!
"Gah, I know, I'm sorry, it's just... this gets remarkably circular sometimes and I feel like we play out this song and dance once every day and... this sucks, I get it. And I'm trying to be sympathetic, really. I just feel like every time this happens... it all goes back and... I don't know." I shrugged helplessly, turning around a bend in the road and waving as I caught sight of a white unicorn. "We'll talk about this later, I guess. Hey there, Rarity!"
"Briar, hello!" Rarity waved a hoof. "Thank you ever so much for agreeing to help me out today."
"Thank you for giving me a job I think I could actually do," I replied.
Mining. Of all the things you could have agreed to do, you had to pick mining.
"Oh pish and tosh. You really mustn't give up hope yet, darling, with those clever fingers and your sizable height, I'm sure you'll find a niche somewhere."
People die in mines, you know, Blake helpfully informed me.
"Oh, so you're only interested in me for my body?" I quipped with a wry grin. "How very shallow of you, Rarity."
Rarity tossed her mane haughtily. "Well, I was going to ask you to donate your remarkable imagination to some of my designs, but with that remark I might as well close up shop and call it a day."
I'm serious about the dying. It was a major problem on Remnant.
I rolled the eyes that were currently in my posession. "What a shame. In all seriousness, though, this is... safe, right? The mines aren't going to collapse on us or anything?"
"I've been down here dozens of times," Rarity assured me with a dismissive wave. "It's completely safe. Well, in a purely structural sense. Honestly, it's the inhabitants that are the largest issue."
"Ah, yes, the cave dwellers. Bats, bugs, eyeless salamanders, I can understand why a lady of your tastes might be a bit squeamish around critters with too many joints."
"Oh, no no no darling. I may have a professional distaste for flyspiders and the like, but..." Rarity paused. "Did... did you say eyeless salamander?"
"You only really get them in the very deep caves," I explained. "Never saw one in person, just pictures, but without light they evolved to just not have anything. It's an all smooth head, pale white body--they've got red frondy gill things though, like something between ears and a mane."
"Hmm. Well, I've never seen one of those," Rarity mused, leading us into a surprisingly bright cavern. "Or heard of them, actually..."
"Maybe they don't exist in Equestria," I allowed.
"Maybe. Anyway, as I was saying, the animals in here are merely annoyances with which I have to put up. I may enjoy my refined tastes, but I am not so detached as some of the Canterlot nobility. A few bugs and some bat guano, I can handle. Oh, before I forget, I made this for you."
She levitated a white hardhat out of her saddlebags; midway to the back it jutted up, with a few slits in the intervening vertical surface and a triad of thick ridges reinforcing the structure lengthwise. The emblem that graced my thighs was emblazoned in black on either side. A purple ribbon secured some sort of glowing gem above the bill in the front, and was tied up in perhaps a bit ridiculously big bow in the back.
...she actually designed a hardhat that would work around my ears, Blake murmured with a soft voice. That's... actually impressive.
"Well, uh, thank you Rarity." I took the hardhat and settled it on my head cautiously. "You have no idea how much this means."
"Safety consciousness does not have to mean unfashionable."
"I mean, this had to have been difficult to make--"
"Yes, I had to scrap the original idea of just cutting holes for your ears--they're rather high up on your skull, if I may be entirely honest." The unicorn gave me a worried look. "It's alright, isn't it? It's not pressing down or causing uncomfortable echoes or anything?"
I twitched the ears under my hat experimentally. "Slight restriction of motion, but nothing I didn't experience wearing the ribbon. It's fine."
If Remnant had these, it could... it might not change much, but it might be a start...
"Ergonomics are always important," I agreed.
"Quite, yes." Rarity cleared her throat. "As I was saying, it's not the creatures of the underground one should be worried about. It's more the monsters."
"...how are we defining monsters here?"
"Oh, don't worry, most of them don't come near Ponyville. The closest are the quarry eels, and they all nest in the walls of Ghastly Gorge. I'd be more worried about a maulwarf--they're technically herbivorous, but they've got magic-resistant skin and their claws are maybe twice the size of princess Celestia. Of course, they're rare and I don't think they come this far north. There are also the tatzelwurms--ghastly creatures really, they have an extra jaw and three tentacle tongues and they carry so many diseases... of course they're only found on the edges of Equestria, usually, they're actually quite wary of larger vibrations and stronger creatures."
Rarity flicked her tail, putting on her own helmet--an orange thing with a blue ribbon. "No, we should be quite safe down here, as long as we don't attract the attention of Diamond Dogs. And given how well I handled them last time, that won't be that much of an issue anyway."
"Diamond Dogs?" I couldn't quite suppress a grin. "What, will they sing us to death?"
Rarity gave me a confused look. "...no. Why would they do that?"
"Right, sorry. Famous musician back home, sang a song called 'Diamond Dogs.' I just... anyway, seriously, are they dogs made of diamonds?"
"They're subterranean canids that have a preference for shiny gems," Rarity explained. "When they found out about my gem-locating spell, they kidnapped me and tried to force me to work for them."
I frowned. "Wait, you were enslaved?"
"Mmm, not really. They are rather dull, it was easy enough to work them over. So it's not very likely they'll give us any trouble. Come along then, we've jewels to gather."
And thirty minutes later we were in an underground cell.
