• Published 30th Jun 2017
  • 4,903 Views, 162 Comments

(Not) Black and White: A Displaced Fic - Masterweaver



So, the thing is, I really don't think I was the guy that the Merchant was expecting...

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Have you ever really considered what it means to go crazy?

I'm serious. What does crazy even mean, anyway? There's the assumed baseline of 'not crazy' that everyone supposedly is, but as psychology got more and more developed they began identifying different kinds of crazy, different levels of crazy, forms of crazy that came and went. It went from something to be afraid of to something to be ashamed of... then just, you know, something that happened sometimes.

When I was young, I had a friend, ADHD, he had his pills. And he wouldn't ever take them in public. He wouldn't even mention them. I didn't know he was ADHD until this one time I was playing video games over at his place and I went to the bathroom and, whoops, he'd forgotten to put the pills away--he tried to pass it off as 'oh, my dad's got some stupid thing going on, doctor's orders.' Of course I, being the curious little idiot I was, went online to figure out what the pills were when I got back home and...

...I was an idiot, and that almost cost me my friendship with the guy. He freaked out when he found out I knew. The only reason we stuck together was because I swore not to tell anyone.

Nowadays, it's not something you worry about. Somebody pulls an orange bottle, pops a pill, it'll get a look or two but it's not 'look at the weirdo.' It's more... the look you give when you see a woman putting on lipstick, or that some people give when they see a woman breastfeeding their kid. 'Keep it to the bathrooms.' That sort of thing. And that's not right, I guess, but it's...

My point is, I don't... think I'm compromised, mentally. Not now. But I did start to question it back then. And I kept it handled, but it was not the best way I could have reacted.


Sensation slowly returned, informing me that I was on a cool, hard surface and also a lovely family of kangaroos had decided to take up residence in my skull. My eyes opened blearily, and my vision slowly began to unblur, allowing me to see the fuzzy purple oatmeal tube inches from my face. Sounds in patterns reached me, and after a moment, I realized they were words.

"...think she's going to be okay. The magic doesn't seem to have disrupted her thaumic flow, although of course I don't have a prior baseline to compare it to in this case, but cross-referencing with all the magical ailments that I know of--"

"Yer a wizard, Harry," I mumbled without thinking.

Oh great. I'm stuck back here again.

"Oh, you're awake!" The fuzzy tube rose, taking my shoulder and gently helping me into a sitting position. "I'm sorry about the thing with the map. It's honestly still something I don't quite understand the full workings of--"

"Right, right." I patted the purple tube comfortingly, following it up its length and only belatedly realizing that it was connected to a purple sack with wings and a head. "Right. I'm sorry, you're...?"

"Oh! Right." The head smiled. "I'm Twilight Sparkle. You can just call me Twilight."

"Twilight's sparkle?" I shook my head. "You're not a vampire, are you?"

"Um... no."

And now he's making me look like an idiot again. This is perfect.

The last of the kangaroos finally settled down, allowing me to make a better assessment of the situation. "Wait. You're the princess Zecora was taking me to meet."

"Indeed she is, though I must say fast that I did not expect your sudden repast." Zecora trotted around the table. "When your hand touched this marvel of magical might, you fell to slumber in a great beam of light. It worried me much, that is quite true. Can you say what the map did to you?"

Nothing helpful, I can tell you that much. I can't even move my own body.

My eyes went wide. "I, it--bathroom. I'm really sorry, I need a bathroom right now."

What?

"Like right now right now," I said. "You do have bathrooms, right? Toilets, locked doors, no chamberpots?"

Twilight blinked. "Um. There's one right down the hallway. Out the door, to your left, fourth door on the right. Are you saying the map filled your bladder, or--?"

"I really do not want to have this discussion I'll be right back I promise thanks nice meeting you bye!"

I rushed out the door, down the hall--

I don't even know anymore. Is this some sort of ironic punishment?

--into the bathroom, slammed the door shut and locked it. "Blake, is that you?"

Wait, what? You can hear me?

"Yes. Well, I can now." I rubbed my forehead. "That table map thing, I think it did something..."

Of course it did. A sigh reverberated through my head--and that was a weird sensation, all things told. Well, at least it's better than nothing.

"Yeah, I guess." With a deep breath, I turned to the mirror over the sink. "Look, this whole situation is weird and it must really suck for you. I don't know what's going on, but I think we need to have a talk and figure out where to go from here."

Do we really need to have this talk in a bathroom?

"We have privacy here, alright? How do you think the ponies would react if I started talking to somebody who wasn't there?"

I... I don't know. They seem nice, if a little... weird.

"They don't know what OCD is. I'm not sure what that says about their study into psychology, but... the point is, I think we both want to avoid a padded room. Assuming they even have those."

...I guess you have a point. So.... She trailed off for a moment. ...Alright. First of all, I want my body back. Can you do that?

I shrugged at the mirror. "I... don't know. Here, I'm going to relax, and you see if you can move anything, alright?"

Okay...

The reflection stared at me, utterly silent for a few moments.

...that... okay, that didn't work. Did you feel any sensations at all?

I sighed. "No."

Damn. I mean, I think I took over before, when we were falling into the forest, but--

"Wait, you were the one that did the grappling-hook thing with the gun-sword? That--actually, yeah, that explains a lot."

Gambol Shroud.

"What?"

It's called Gambol Shroud. And it's not a 'gun-sword', it's a variant ballistic chain scythe.

"Really?" I rolled my eyes at the mirror. "What, is that what the guy who sold it to you called it?"

Actually, I made Gambol Shroud myself.

"...really? Huh. You, uh, you've got to be quite the weaponsmith then."

No, it's a pretty basic weapon, you can even see where I-- we're getting off topic. I know it's possible for me to get my body back, it happened back in the forest--

"I'm pretty sure I was panicking," I offered. "Maybe that... did something. Opened up the channels of thought or whatever." I sighed. "Of course, if switching over only happens in case of emergency, that's not going to work."

Still, it means I can at least keep us alive if we have to fight more monsters. Mysterious instant expert sword powers, though, really?

"I... kind of thought what happened when we were falling would happen again..."

Well it didn't, for some reason.

"Yeah. Still, I don't think that will be a problem--how often do you have to fight monsters anyway?"

Depending on the month, it can range from once every two weeks to a few times every day.

I blinked at my reflection. "Uh... wow. I... huh. I was thinking 'basically never,' honestly."

Well, if you live in a kingdom.

"...Okay, I think we need to have a long talk about where we both come from at some point, because I'm pretty sure it's nowhere near each other." I took a moment to compose myself. "For now, though, let's talk about what to do next."

Long term goal: get me back into my body.

I rolled my eyes again. "Yes, that much is fair. I mean... I kind of want to figure out what happened to my body, just so that I don't end up trapped in some sort of limbo... but that's long-term. I mean immediate, here and now. Practicalities."

Right...

"I mean these ponies seem to be the local civilization. Plus they have magic, which is probably our best bet on figuring out what happened. So, you know, we should try to ingratiate ourselves with them."

That's a very nice way to say 'let's live off their goodwill.'

A snort escaped my lips. "We can find a job later, after we get citizenship or whatever."

Getting citizenship might be harder than you think...

"Well, you're pessimistic. Do you have any suggestions or are you just going to complain about everything?"

Blake was silent for a moment.

"...not that you don't have a right to complain," I added. "I mean, like I said, you're really in a bad place--"

If you're really stuck in my body, I think I'm going to have to put you through your paces. Your jumping form is horrible, you nearly fell out of those trees twelve times, and don't even get me started on how stupidly you used Gambol Shroud--no, she declared, we are definitely going to start some training sessions.

I winced. "Right. That sounds like it's going to be pure suffering, but sure."

It can wait until we're finished with Twilight, at the least. Speaking of, I think we should head back--

"Actually, um. While we're here." I fidgeted awkwardly. "If... I'm in charge, I'm going to need to, you know..."

I know what?

"...this is a bathroom."

Oh. OH. Blake groaned. Right, we're going to have to deal with that, aren't we?

"I figure we should at least talk about how to handle it, and all..."