Inspired by the SMITH Magazine Six-Word Memoirs Project. I basically took as many characters as I could from six seasons worth of this show and described them each using no more and no less than six words. Enjoy.
The following is a collection of biographical works written by the noblestallion, fourth wall breaker, and amateur historian and poet Sir Witty Quill. Following the reformation of the changeling race, Sir Quill made it his life's mission to record the legacy of Equestria's greatest heroes and their affiliates with as much wit and brevity as possible. Unfortunately, Sir Quill died of ponymonia sometime prior to the founding of the School of Friendship and then faded into obscurity, leaving his writings unfinished, unsorted, and unpublished. I, his descendant Calligraphy "Callie" Brush, have taken it upon myself to rectify two of the prior three problems.
Author's note: I am taking characters from My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic and summing up who they are using no more and no less than six words each. I am fully aware that some of my biographies may not do a character justice, but I'll do my best. Also, I don't take requests. I will write about who I write about. I will not cover every single character that appeared on the show, only the ones that made an impression on me. This collection will only cover up to season 6. Inspired by SMITH Magazine's Six Word Memoirs. EDIT: Most of the stuff in this collection was last written and edited back in season 6. I'm sorry if things have changed since then, but I'm not messing with what I've already got.
Hello, readers from beyond the fourth wall, my name is Calligraphy "Callie" Brush. What you are now reading is a collection of biographical writings written by my ancestor Sir Witty Quill of the Canterlot nobility.
After the reformation of the changeling race and the subsequent defeat of Queen Chrysalis, Sir Quill made it his life's mission to immortalize the legacy of Equestria's greatest heroes and their affiliates. In order to do so, Sir Quill, like the barely sane eccentric he was, set out to write biographies of every single one of the following characters that you are about to read about. Fortunately, also like the barely sane eccentric that he was, Sir Quill decided that he would devote only six words to each biography in honor of the six Elements of Harmony and their Bearers, no more, no less. Unfortunately, Sir Quill died of ponymonia prior to the founding of the School of Friendship, leaving his collection of biographies unfinished. After his death, Sir Quill faded into obscurity, and his writings were seemingly lost.
However, in the last two years, I have discovered my ancestor's writings and set out to make them known to the world. Unfortunately, in the process, I ran into two problems. Firstly, the collection was completely disorganized. I ended up using up a better part of a year to make it readable. Secondly, both my ancestor and I have a condition that allows us to have an awareness of the fourth wall, and it seems that that condition has affected my ancestor's writing and my organizational system, making the collection unpublishable in Equestria. Thankfully, with the help of the Lord of Chaos Discord, I was able to send it to your universe. I hope you enjoy.
Granny Smith Who you callin’ senile, you whippersnapper?
Cousin Braeburn Never trust this goofball to babysit.
Auntie Applesauce Putting the “lady” in “old lady”
Apple Rose Favorite cousins keep the heart young.
Goldie Delicious Lover of cats and various heirlooms
Callie's Notes: In the process of researching and writing about the Apple family, Sir Quill was unable to discover the identity of Big McIntosh, Applejack, and Apple Bloom's parents due to the Apple family matriarchs being wary of sharing the more checkered parts of their family history with a stranger, so Sir Quill chose not to press further.
Shining Armor Friends and family are worth protecting.
Princess Celestia Even the best leaders aren’t perfect.
Princess Luna Guardian of dreams, mistress of moonlight
Princess Flurry Heart I can’t stop being this cute.
Prince Blueblood Your Prince Charming’s at another castle.
Callie's Notes: Princess Flurry Heart and the Cake twins were still infants at the time this collection was being written. It seems that my ancestor, in his eccentricity, thought that writing biographies for babies would be a good idea.
Owlowiscious the Owl Every library needs a trusty owl.
Winona the Collie AJ! I ruv roo so much!
Angel Bunny the Rabbit This mean bunny’s capable of niceness.
Gummy the Alligator Life with Pinkie does not suck.
Opalescence “Opal” the Cat I am no Hello Kitty. Mrowr!
Tank the Tortoise I won’t forget about you, Dashie.
Philomena the Phoenix I love messing with other ponies.
Boulder the Rock Maud: the cheese to my crackers
Callie's Notes: Being the barely sane eccentric that he was, my ancestor fancied himself to be a fluent pet whisperer. The truth or falsehood of that belief will forever go unconfirmed.
Nightmare Moon What happens when dreams become nightmares
Queen Chrysalis Feeds on love but possesses none
King Sombra Shadows were no match for light.
Tirek Power hungry and proud of it
Adagio Dazzle Trapping you with webs of song
Aria Blaze My malice hungers for your submission.
Sonata Dusk I’m proof that evil airheads exist.
Abacus Cinch Only dreaming of winning is wrong.
Midnight Sparkle Never underestimate the power of insanity.
Gaea Everfree No one is taking my land!
Callie's Notes: According to Sir Quill's research notes, he found out about the Mirror World when the Bearer of Laughter, Ms. Pinkamena Pie, let it slip during a rather fast-paced and long interview full of tangents and side stories. He was even actually able to visit the other world thanks to a combination of unicorn magic and his fourth wall breaking abilities. Of course, he had the foresight to create the portal in a secluded area and to reseal it after he finished his research. No, I will not publish the details of his methods because they were dangerous and risky. I am well aware that some of these villains are corrupted versions of other figures who already have biographies. However, Sir Quill chose to treat them as separate entities, and his reasons for doing this will forever remain unknown because I was unable to find any mention of his motivations for doing so in his notes, at least the sections that were still readable.
Flim Flam brothers They’re always trying to sell something.
Ahuizotl Stuff he loves: villainy and cats
Garble the Dragon Thick scales, thicker skull, terrible personality
Lightning Dust I’m gonna obliterate the competition, literally.
Dr. Caballeron He’d rob his own mother’s grave.
Suri Polomare I get what I want, mmkay?
Wind Rider My records were unbroken, until now.
Spoiled Rich nee Spoiled Milk Anything to climb up the ladder
Svengallop I sell music to get perks.
Zesty Gourmand True flavor is painfully minimalist. “Facehoof”
Gladmane Ain’t nothin’ but a false friend
Callie's Notes: Yes, Sir Quill's biography for Zesty Gourmand does indeed include "'Facehoof'" as the sixth word. I did say that my ancestor was a barely sane eccentric.
Snips and Snails Just Ponyville’s resident pair of clowns
Bulk Biceps Big impressions make all the difference.
Aloe and Lotus Blossom Life could use some more pampering.
Lily Valley, Rose, and Daisy More fragile than their own flowers
Filthy Rich Just call me Rich, just Rich.
Pipsqueak “Pip" Small colts can have big expectations.
Featherweight Born to work in the press
Tender Taps Dancing my heart into every step
Callie's Notes: In the process of writing Snips and Snails's biography, my ancestor greatly lamented his inability to include Snails's skill in buckball in the six words that he allotted himself.
Igneous “Iggy” Rock Pie Four daughters, one wife, life rocks.
Cloudy "Big Mama Q" Quartz Rock solid mares raise amazing families.
Limestone Pie Rough mare runs smooth rock farm.
Maudalina "Maud" Daisy Pie My poems are all about rocks.
Marble Pie I’m only a rock farmer’s daughter.
Callie's Notes: Thanks to a bout of eccentricity, it never occurred to Sir Quill to ask the Pie family what Marble and Limestone's full names were, and by the time that he made this realization, he was already bedridden with ponymonia.
Fluttershy’s Mom/Mrs. Shy Watching my kids grow and blossom
Fluttershy’s Dad/Mr. Shy I supported my family on clouds.
Zephyr Breeze The Breeze does magic with manes.
Callie's Notes: In his research of Ms. Fluttershy's family, Sir Quill was actually able to discover the names of her parents. Unfortunately, every single mention of their names in his notes was somehow rendered unreadable. On a different note, when he discovered that Ms. Rainbow Dash did indeed have living parents, he scheduled to meet up with them for an interview, but he suddenly became ill and was unable to write anything about them. Hence, they are not included in this collection. A sudden illness also prevented him from interviewing and writing about Princess Twilight and Prince Shining Armor's parents.
Quibble Pants Life in Equestria equals contrived coincidences.
King Thorax the Changeling Not draining love for her anymore
Gloriosa Daisy I’ve got this, maybe, I think.
Callie's Notes: Sir Quill wrote Iron Will's biography before his crimes against the royal family came to light. Who knew he could be capable of such atrocities?
And that dear readers, concludes Sir Witty Quill's collection of six-word biographies. Unfortunately, despite having lived through the return of the Pillars and the defeat of the Storm King, for some reason, Sir Quill was unable to write about any of them. Possible reasons for this could be his busy schedule and fluctuating health. However, if I could give my two bits on the matter, I personally believe that, despite their brevity, researching for and writing these biographies took Sir Quill a long time and that he was probably still working on this collection of biographies when those events happened. I have considered completing my ancestors life's work by writing about the other ponies and creatures that the Element Bearers met after the changeling reformation; however, my work as a historian and a professor at Canterlot University has left me little time to do so. Furthermore, as you know, Sir Quill's writing includes information regarding the Mirror World, and the methods he used to access that world without Princess Twilight's mirror were horribly risky, and I quite enjoy living. Thank you very much. Despite my reservations, perhaps, I will write my own collection of brief biographies myself someday, but until that day comes, I hope Sir Quill's collection will inspire you to examine your own lives and histories and to exercise your own wit through brevity and the written language. With that my dear readers, I bid you good reading.