What's A Nawuto?

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Uzumaki Naruto had not had a very good day. His alarm clock had decided to run on alien-mean-time, his cup noodles ran out at a critical moment in his life, his toilet paper ran out at an even more critical-er moment, his mentor Kakashi had chosen to personally train his hated rival-for-life Sissy-ke instead of him for the upcoming ninja exams, he got conned into training under a ninja peeping tom (worst kind of tom), and to top it all off he was spending the rest of his life falling into a spiky pit of spiky doom. It was definitely a low point, and it was only going to get lower. Like, 6-feet-under lower.

Just where had it all gone wrong? Oh, right, the tissue paper, definitely the tissue paper. Cause this had bad doo-doo written all over it.

Now just as he was about to dig his own grave with his face, he finds himself somewhere else entirely. And it wasn't his tomb, though it looked like a close candidate. Then a thought occured to him. What if he had fallen through his grave and straight into hell? "Hell..." He decided, "...is leaking." He slowly picked himself up from the ankle-deep freezing cold water and peered into the gloaming darkness around him. Wherever this was, it had dank grimy walls just about visible in the distance. It smelled musty and dank like the inside of the old man Hokage's vintage porn cupboard. But the main feature was most definitely the dark iron bars before him, towering high before disappearing into the darkness above, arrayed like jail bars in the world's most paranoid prison.

A single piece of paper was stuck onto the bars like an afterthought. 'Lock' it said, like the world's flimsiest excuse for a padlock. Naruto, being who he is, allowed himself to imagine what would happen if he ripped it off. "Somebody'd end up yelling at me again, probably." He mused out loud to himself. It was bound to happen, before or after the fireworks.

He heard a noise, but it wasn't yelling. In fact, it was a soft sniffling, interspersed with quiet hiccups. Now the self-proclaimed future ninja lord wouldn't be who he was if he ignored someone crying, even if the crying was coming from within a creepy dark prison cell that was probably built to house monstrous dark gods or Sasuke's bloated ego.

He found a small figure curled up in the freezing water, trembling and shivering in the dark, just a ways beyond his reach. The gentle sobs and soft hiccups were more audible now. Yes, it was definitely the sound of misery, a sound he knew well.

He peered up at the bars. "Huh, to heck with that noise." He muttered, slipping sideways through the wide gaps in the bars. He had never paid much caution to danger when he was alive, especially not when there was someone in need. Why start now in death? What's the worst that could happen?

Little did he know that he was about to spend the rest of his life finding out.

"Uh, you there." He called out as he approached the trembling little figure. The little shadow seemed to tense up at his voice. "What's eatin' you?"

The little figure gasped in absolute fright before scrabbling away deeper into the darkness. "P-p-pwease!" The voice, already as squeaky as a wet party ballooon, managed to tremble like one too. "D-don't e-eat me! W-woona w-will be good! Pwomise!" It was a creature, a small one, and now that it had curled up into a tight, trembling little ball, its shape had become more difficult to discern.

"Uh, I'm more into eating ramen than...little....blue balls...things like you." Naruto said, straining his eyes to make out the little creature's shape. So far he had made out that it was a dark, midnight blue with what looked like hair a lighter blue, possibly a tail of the same hue too.

"W-Wamen?" The creature sniffled, ears perking up at the unfamiliar word. "W-what have t-the poor wamen e-ever done to thee?!" The creature demanded.

"Be delicious, I guess?" Naruto said, thoughtfully. He had never thought about ramen that way before. This was deep. "I suppose it has burned my tongue and emptied my bank on more than one occasion."

"T-the p-poor wamen things!" The creature cried, suddenly standing up on, Naruto noted, four stubby little legs. If a dark party balloon decided to grow a pair of legs, this creature would be it. A pair of teeny trembling wings flaired up on either side of the little creature as it aimed its deep watery sapphire eyes up at him in teary defiance. "W-Woona has pwomised to protect all things! F-fine! E-eat Woona then! B-but spare the poor wamen things!"

"But....I don't think I'd like to eat anything that talks." Naruto said, scratching his head awkwardly.

The little creature pursed her lips tight, her watery eyes trembling. Naruto could only watch as her cheeks slowly but surely inflated until they were pouty little balloons in their own right. Looks like not talking was an epic struggle in of itself for the little creature.

Naruto decided to be merciful. "Hey, I'm not eating you. Or anything at the moment." He clarified, lowering himself to the creature's height as he tried to look as harmless as possible. He sat back and crossed his legs in the mucky cold water as he relaxed his posture as much as possible. "And I'm not going to harm you, promise. So stop crying, 'kay? I think you've flooded the place enough as it is." He pointed out.

The creature blew out her puffed up cheeks before taking a deep breath. "Not talking is hard!" She declared. "Thou makes Woona do hard things! Thou art a hard...ummm...." She squinted at Naruto. "Umm...too hairless to be a gowilla, too orange to be a pineapple..." She mused out loud, tapping her chin with one...arm?

"Uh...Naruto?" Naruto suggested, helpfully.

"Owkay, thou art a hard Nawuto!" The little creature nodded in satisfaction. She cocked her head to one side, as if deep in thought once more. "What's a Nawuto?"

"The greatest ninja that has ever lived." Naruto declared, puffing out his chest proudly.

"A knee-in-jaw." The creature nodded, understanding dawning on her little face. "What's a knee-in-jaw?"

"Me." Naruto said, risking an endless circular logic loop.

"So...an orange pineapple." The creature broke the loop with her own.

"Close enough." Naruto conceded with a sigh. It looked like it was as good as it was going to get.

"Thou pwomise not to harm Woona?" It asked, cautiously.

"Yeah, promise." Naruto marvelled at how long it had taken them to reach this point. There was in fact something slower than he was! And it wasn't a rock!

"Owkay!" The creature suddenly brightened up as it pranced up close to Naruto, sniffing eagerly. Naruto marvelled even more at how quick it was to take him at his word. Or to brighten up for that matter. It appeared simply having company was enough to cheer the little thing up. "Thou smells." And Naruto's marvelling came to an abrupt end.

"I took a bath today." Naruto looked down at the knee-high water he was sitting in, "Twice.".

"Woona wikes it." The creature said with a big smile, coming even closer. "Thou know, big sis told Woona not to speak to stwangews."

Naruto tried to wrap his head around the squeaky bastardization of that last word. 'Angels'? 'Strangers'? "But I'm not a stranger. I'm a Naruto." Naruto reasoned.

"Oh, that's owkay then!" She giggled. "Woona will let you be Woona's fwiend! Because Woona is genewous like that!"

"Heh, I guess there's no harm. Why not?" Naruto said in what by his stellar standards a diplomatic answer, seeing as he was just the slightest bit uncertain that he wanted to make a friend of this...uh, now it was his turn to try and make out what this creature was. It had four legs, a body, a head, a tail and hair, which called to mind something resembling a horse, albeit a teeny blue one. But that was about where the resemblance ended. The wings and the little horn poking out of its hair suggested something else entirely.

Now the young ninja might be infamous for being slow, but there was a lot of credit lost where it was due. He was already putting two and two together by this point. Equine body, wings, horn too. There was only one creature that fit that description; The one-tailed moon kirrin that rampaged through his ninja village of Konoha on the eve of his birth.

But...that thing was a creature of immense power that showed no remorse nor mercy. This...this squeaky little party balloon who had so readily believed in his promise seemed anything but a demonic walking doom machine of doom.

"So, am I just going to call you 'friend' or what?" Being up front was Naruto's way, and he wasn't gonna stop now.

"My name's Woona!" The little creature bounced excitedly. "It's Woooona! Like the sound of the moon sliding up into the sky, or the sound that stars make when they bwink!"

Naruto looked down at the little crescent-moon-shaped marking adorning the creature's rear. He put two and two together. "So...Luna?"

"That's what Woona said!" The little Luna asserted, "If thou are gonna be Woona's fwiend, thou need to pay attenshun!" She snapped.

"Uhuh." Naruto said intelligently.

"Good, because now Woona is gonna fwiend-snuggle thee!" It declared, lowering herself on her front legs while wiggling her rear in the air, as if ready to pou-....

"Fwiend-snug-wha...?" Naruto barely managed to say before he was sent flying backwards as he received a sugar-powered flying headbutt to the chest. "Bugyaaaaaah!" He gasped hungrily for air as a pair of legs threatened to crush what life he had left out of him. There was an explosive splash of water, some feeble twitching, then silence.

Not many get to die twice in a day. Naruto did. But not even that could stop the blonde from talking. "Somebody...got the number of that jutsu?" He gasped painfully as he lay on his back, half-submerged in the cold water.

"Owkay. Thou art a wittle lumpy but soft and snuggly enough to qualify as Woona's fwiend. Thou hath passed the snuggle test. Be pwoud of thyself." The little horse sitting atop his chest, peering down at his face, said. "Thou shall be honoured to be Woona's number one snuggle-master!"

"Ugh....dead proud, yeah." Naruto muttered, slowly picking himself up, holding onto the little creature steadily as he did so, eliciting a little squeak from her.

"W-Woona d-did not give you permission to hug Woona...but...but....it's owkay." She murmured as she squirmed into Naruto's hold, settling contentedly into the warm nest formed by his arms and his lap. The creature felt snug and warm against him, a really pleasant feeling he realized he had never really felt before.

Naruto could almost feel it, the little creature's hunger for company. It...no, 'she', was clutching onto him as if her life depended on it, as if he was the first and last source of warmth she had ever encountered. And seeing this place she was in, he could believe it. What twist of evil could have imprisoned such a poor little creature in such a dark, wet, icky place?

"Are you...lonely?" Naruto asked. He felt Luna tense up as if in answer. There was soft sob. He felt a soft little muzzle slowly nod against his tummy. He felt something warm and wet begin to soak his jacket. 'Oh, great, well done, genius' he smacked himself. 'You made a girl cry!'. To Naruto there were few crimes more heinous to a ninja than being Sasuke. Making a girl cry was one of them, even if it was a little horse. Actually, scratch that. Especially because it was little.

Naruto knew loneliness better than anyone. If loneliness were a woman, she'd be Naruto's nagging wife. And, Naruto, being Naruto, wasn't about to let loneliness be. "Hey, I don't know you at all, I don't know how long you've been alone, or why, but from now on I swear you won't be." He said, giving Luna a tight, warm squeeze. "Cause I'll be with you for as long as you want me to be, promise."

Luna slowly peered up at him through teary eyes. "W-w-weally?" She whispered, as if afraid to even hope.

"Believe it." Naruto nodded, giving her an encouraging smile.

Luna, in a sudden show of relief and gratitude, gave her new favourite person in the whole wide Woonaverse the tightest snuggle ever.

"Urgh..." Naruto realized he was going to have to get used to that. He returned the hug, though gently.

"Thou art a funny orange pineapple, Nawuto." Luna pipped up, suddenly smiling up at him. "But a good fwiend. And big sis says Woona must treasure good fwiends. So Woona will treasure thee, Nawuto."

A sudden pang struck the young boy's heart. Nobody had said that to him, ever. That the words had come so suddenly yet so sincerely, he couldn't help but feel overwhelmed.

"Umm...how doth one treasure somepony, Nawuto?" Luna asked.

And the warm, fluffy feeling popped as Naruto very nearly faceplanted the water.

"Uuuh...." Naruto racked his brain. Interestingly, he realized he had never consciously treasured somebody before. True, he had people he could, in fact, treasure, but he never paused to consider what it entailed. Whatever it was, Ramen probably featured in there somewhere.

"I guess....you'd be there for each other, and help each other." Naruto said, thoughtfully.

"Oooh, help! Woona's good at helping! One time Woona was helping big sis raise the sun, and Woona was so good big sis told Woona to stop helping cuz Woona was helping too much!" She said proudly. "Though Woona wonders what happened to the second moon after that. We never saw it again."

"Err....okay." Naruto nodded. "I'm pretty sure I won't need that much help, I think." Fighting words, Naruto.

"Woona can treasure thee by helping thee, Nawuto!" Luna leapt up and down in his lap, causing him to wince as she narrowly avoided stomping his succession. "Tell Woona, what can Woona help you with?"

"Uhh, don't turn me into an eunuch to start." Naruto winced as he considered his current situation. "And, well....I'm kinda falling to my doom, I think." He said, remembering his situation. "I probably still am."

"Oh! Oh no! Falling is bad!" Luna pointed out the blindingly obvious.

"No kidding." Naruto chuckled, ruffling Luna's hair...err...mane? This earned him a squeak of glee from Luna as she pressed her head up against Naruto's hand for more. "All for this toad summoning contract. All it's coughing up is tadpoles. Maybe if I summon enough tadpoles it might cushion me, just a bit." Naruto sighed, recalling why he was there in the first place. He had been practicing the toad summoning technique, a little parlour trick from that pervy-sage Jiraiya. But instead of the big-ass Sasuke-stomping toads he promised, all he got were pathetic little tadpoles.

"Summoning contract?" Luna asked, cocking her head to one side curiously.

"Yeah. I'm stuck with a really sucky one." Naruto muttered. "Can't summon anything useful to save my butt. My mentor sucks butt...and probably enjoys it. And my exams are in less than a month. Without someone to help me learn some powerful kickass techniques before then, I'd never stand a chance against that Hyuga jerky jerk mcjerkface." He sighed.

"So thou needs a good summoning contract and someone to help thee learn some good tek-tek-stuffings! Hahah! Count thyself wucky, Nawuto! Woona is the bestest at both!" Luna declared, crossing her front...hooves?

"You can?" Naruto blinked.

"Yeah." Luna nodded eagerly, "Woona has a summoning contract that will summon the most powerfull of powerfull...umm...things! And they can help thee learn powerfull stuffings to stuff others with!"

"Really?!" Naruto blinked. It sounded too good to be true. "I'm not gonna get tadpoles again, am I? Cause I swear if I see another tadpole..."

"Oh, no, better! Much much better! The betteriest better!" Luna declared. "Have faith in thy Woona, wittle Nawuto!"

"....o...kay..." Naruto nodded, deciding to suspend his disbelief for just a bit. "Show me then, oh great Luna."

"Hmm hmm, good, good that thou comprehends Woona's immense gweatness! Now, watch!" Luna raised her front hooves into the air. "Umm....actually, don't watch. Close thy eyes like a good boy." She muttered, blushing.

"Uh?" Everything was already so ridiculous Naruto was not about to question anything at this point. "Okay." He shut his eyes tight.

"Awwight? No peeking! Woona knows if thou art peeking. Woona's psychic." She said as she shifted about in his lap.

"Nnnghhh..." She grunted, "Mmmmnnhhhh!" She strained, "Mnnnrrgrr...NYAAAAAH!" She cried. There was an explosive burst of bright light. It was so bright Naruto could see the red of his eyelids.

There was some panting as something rather heavy settled into his lap. "T-thou...thou can lookest now." She breathed.

Naruto opened his eyes, blinking out the spots, as he tried to readjust to the darkness. His eyes fell upon yet another scroll held open in his lap, propped up by Luna. Luna peered over the top, hooves balancing along the top of the scroll.

"This is it?" Naruto asked. The scroll was written on some rather heavy-looking paper as thick and rough as leather. The words were in some odd lettering he had never seen before, but then so was the last summoning scroll he had come across. He peered at the signature columns. They were empty. "Uhh...nobody has used this before." He pointed out.

"Nopony's ever been awesome enough." Luna declared, haughtily. "Thou hath to be about this awesome to even see this scroll." She stood up on her rearhooves and stretched her front hooves as far as she could to show exactly how much the requisite amount of awesome was. "For thee Woona will make a wittle exception, because Woona is genewous like that."

"Gee, thanks." Naruto said, biting into his thumb and drawing blood, as was customary for these things. "Do I just sign here?"

"Thou couldst ask for ink and a pen." Luna pointed out with a sigh. "But Woona is nice. Woona will let you mess up Woona's pwecious summoning scroll."

"You could've told me that before." Naruto muttered, signing his name in blood on the contract. "Alright, so a better contract that will summon me better frogs. Whatever happens, it can't get any worse." Naruto, optimist extraordinaire, decided. Challenge accepted, Naruto.

"Wheee~" Luna allowed the scroll to fall on its side before leaping atop its roll and running her little hooves over it, rolling it up quickly and efficiently. "And now thou art all set, Nawuto! Go ahead. Twy out thy new Woona brand awesomeness."

"Heh, don't need telling twice." He drew blood from his thumb, formed his summoning ninja hand-seals in rapid succession, before slamming his palm down into the water. "Summoning technique a-go-go!" He declared.

He didn't notice Luna light up her little horn with a brilliant swirl of magic. He was too busy being pulled back into the few seconds of reality he had left.

The great sage Jiraiya paced the edge of the spiky cliff of spiky doom. No, not nervously. The great Jiraiya was never nervous. Everything always went to his plan, even when his plans 'improvised' themselves. That's how good they were.

So he had taken the boy on as a student. That was one of his good plans. And seeing as he was quick to inspire with really showy techniques, why not start with summoning? It was sparkly, screamed of epic, and above all, any idiot who can spell his name can do it. It's not like they were summoning monstrous supernatural beings capable of flattening entire villages in a single stride, no.

There was only one stumbling block. The boy had about as much control over his chakra as he had over his mouth. And no matter how much he strained and pushed as if struggling with the constipation to end all constipations, he could not summon anything more than toad eggs. At best he had achieved tadpoles.

So in his absolute genius, Jiraiya decided, to hell with chakra control. Just shove all that demonic chakra he had sealed in him all in one go. And how best to achieve that?

Well, push him down a cliff, of course.

Everyone knew life-or-death situations brought out everyone's hidden inner strength, right? This plan was perfect. Fool-proof. Dare he say, Naruto-proof!

Or was it?

He grew more and more...err...okay, flustered, as he paced back and forth across the cliff's edge. So, what if it didn't work? What if he smashed his head on one of those spikes on the way down? What if he's now eating dirt cakes for the rest of his life? What would he tell the village elder? 'Oh, sorry, kinda killed the vessel sealing the evil dark demonic monster of doom. Can we have another?'

Well, crap.

Just as his spiral of panic reached a crescendo, his train of thought was interrupted by the equivalent of a nuke crossing the tracks.

An explosive blast of rainbow light erupted over the cliff. Compressed air blew dirt and soot a mile high into the air from within the depths of the cliff. From within shot out a beam of prismatic light, rocketing straight up for the sun.

His ear drums, almost entirely shattered by the sonic boom that had washed over the surrounding area, barely picked up a sound as it doppler'd away into the distance. It sounded something like ".....UUUUUUUUUuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!"

"That...." Jiraiya finally managed to find his voice from where it was hiding somewhere in his thumping chest. "...was not a toad."

If he hadn't pissed himself yet, he would have if he had taken another look at the toad sage summoning scroll. Naruto's name had all but vanished.

Your Cutie Mark's on Your face!

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Energy can neither be created nor destroyed. Therefore, when an object in motion is summoned and teleported across space and time to an entirely different dimension, it remains in motion, momentum, obnoxiousness and all fully conserved. Hysteria, on the other hand, often comes as an added bonus.

"WHAT THE FLYING BUCK?!" Whatever it was stuck in Naruto's baggy orange pants gave an indignant if muffled cry. "WHY'S EVERYTHING ORANGE?! AND HAIRY?!"

"And violated?!" Naruto suggested in panic, fighting to keep his pants on against the speeding sky-blue rocket that had its head stuck inside it, threatening to rip his legs and progeny off as it soared further and further upwards into the skies above the little hidden village of Konoha. "Hey, if you got something against orange, say it to my face!" Naruto, master of priorities, shouted in defence of the one and only primary colour.

"I just did!" The voice inside his pants shouted back, "Here, let me say it again to your buck-ugly face, Oranges."

"My face is up here!" Naruto shouted over the roaring wind in his ears. He peered up at whatever it was threatening to fly off with his pants. All he could make out were a pair of small but powerful wings beating at the air, propelling what he could only guess were a pair of buttocks. Round blue buttocks. With a pair of thunder markings on either side just to make sure he was properly confused.

"This isn't your face?!" The voice shouted. "Whoah! Just how ugly are you?!"

"Right, that's it. I'm not taking that, not from a toad." Naruto muttered. "It's not the face that makes one ugly! It's my fist! Slow down or I'll show you how!"

"Slow down? You're talking to the wrong mare, Oranges! Especially when you get in the way of my show!" The sky-blue rocket made an abrupt stomach-dropping turn, pulling into a sharp loop-de-loop. The sudden maneuver pulled it free of his pants, turning him into the ninja world's first unpowered human rocket. The loudest too, but we know that.

Naruto sailed up, feeling a sudden relief in the pressure in his pants. As he peered back at his destination, the ground, now almost a blue haze in the distance, he quickly felt pressure build up elsewhere down below.

"Wheeeeeee!" He suddenly heard a very familiar squeaky little voice echo in his head.

"I think that's what my bladder really wants to do." Naruto muttered as he realized wetting himself may well be his last act upon the mortal coil. "Wait, Luna, why did you move into my head?!"

"Hewwo, wittle Nawuto! Oh, your head? Uhh, because it's really roomy with plenty of empty space, maybe?" She said. "Teehee, Woona can speak with little Nawuto lots and lots whenever Woona wants now!" She giggled excitedly.

"You can?" Naruto murmured weakly, wondering just what sins he had committed to deserve this. Probably pinning up old man Hokage's porn all over the Elder Monument that overlooked the entire village. Yeah, that was probably it. If he ever survived this emotionally intact he promised himself he would give him back each and every one along with a public apology.

For a moment he felt the brief joy of weightlessness. Then, as if reminding him of his impending appointment with his arch-nemesis, the ground, gravity gave him a rather sharp yank on the back. "Oh yeah." He muttered, his mind catching up with his predicament. "I'm still kinda dying." He noted. "Luna, you're gonna help me, right?! Please tell me you've got a way out of this!" Naruto pleaded.

"Umm, oh, Woona knows! Woona knows!" Luna declared excitedly. "Why don't thou asketh that pony? Woona's sure she'll help, cause she's a pony. All ponies are nice. That's what big sis said! Oh, except when they're naughty. Then thou doth bucketh them up. But big sis only says that to herself in her sleep. So don't tell her Woona told thee that. Or she might bucketh thee up too, whatever that means. Woona doesn't think thou wantest to find out."

"Who the what how now?" Naruto looked around, scanning the empty sky all around him. His eyes quickly latched onto the sky-blue figure free-falling next to him. Now, he had never seen winged toads, or blue ones for that matter, but then he hadn't seen that many toads, ever. If toads got to pick hair colours, then this was the terminally indecisive one. It had every colour of the rainbow in its rather messy hair.

"Hey, Oranges, you're sure that's your face?" The rainbow-haired toad asked, its dark crimson eyes frowning at him, "Cause you've got your cutie-mark on your face." It pointed what looked like a foreleg at the Hidden Leaf brand on his headband. "Doesn't that make your face your butt?"

"Hey, that's like saying wittle Nawuto's cutie-mark destiny is one big butt! That's not nice, even if it's true!" Luna shouted in Naruto's defense. "Owkay! She's naughty! Woona gives thee permission to bucketh her up now!"

"Thanks, Luna." Naruto muttered. "I'd show you what a butt looks like, your own for starters, toad." Naruto jabbed back at the little blue toad.

"Hey, who're you callin' a toad? I've seen toads. I'm twenty thousand percent cooler!" The toad snapped indignantly.

"I suck at maths but even I know twenty thousand percent of zero is still zero!" Naruto pointed out triumphantly.

"Oooh, Nawuto's so smart!" Luna squeaked, "But...but Woona knew that too." She huffed.

"Huh, wha...?" The toad blinked. "Was that egghead-speak? Cause I thought you were too dumb to to tell between a toad and a pony." She frowned.

"Pony where?" Naruto asked. It is worth noting he is still falling at this point.

"See how beterrer Woona's summoning contwact is? See? See? See?" Luna flaunted proudly, "Woona will tell you the secret to why it's so aweshum, because Woona is genewous like that. It. Summons. Ponies!"

"Ponies." Naruto nodded. Still falling.

"And ponies are the bestest! Because Woona is a pony!" Luna reasoned with logic so watertight it was practically gushing like a waterfall. It suddenly dawned upon him for the first time the resemblance between Luna and this creature before him. They both had four legs, two eyes and really big mouths. Well, duh, if Luna's the owner of the contract, that makes her the [boss summon]. And from what he had gathered thus far, the underlings tended to be more or less the same shape, just different shades of ridiculous.

Wait, by Sissy-ke's skirt, he's got a squeaky little party balloon as a boss summon! How is he ever gonna live this down?!

Well, he won't, if he didn't hurry up and stop dying. But he didn't realize this. Not yet. Instead he was busy trying to come up with an argument to Luna's perfect logic. "But it's blue. With rainbows." Was the best he came up with.

"Well, you're orange." The blue pony argued back. "Your point, Butt-Face?"

"My point is I summoned you. That means two things: First, I'm awesome. Second, you're gonna listen to me." Naruto's mind finally caught up with his survival instinct.

"Heh, now that's talk. Why don't you make me!" She waved her hooves at Naruto in a gesture of challenge. "You've been talking real big for an overripe orange. Why not put your hooves where your mouth is and entertain me a bit, make up for interrupting my workout?" She grinned. "You got, like, a minute, to find out whether the ground or my hooves beats your face in first!"

"Heh, more than enough! Finally, we understand each other!" Naruto formed a hand seal. "Shadow Clone Technique!" He shouted, grinning his usual dorky overconfident grin. The sky was suddenly filled by 8 dorky overconfident grins and a lot of blonde.

"Umm...1, 2, 3, 4..." Luna counted. Naruto could almost imagine the little pony counting on her hooves, "Uuh, ran out of hooves." She muttered. "Uh, lots and lots of Nawutos! The fun hath been double-double-doubled!"

"Whoah. That's, like, pretty cool." The blue pony smiled at the challenge, "I'll show ya who this sky belongs to when I clear it in 10. Seconds. Flat!" She spun around as she fell through a cloud, her wings sweeping up the puffy lump of air as if it were but cotton candy.

"I'll show you flat!" One Naruto spun around and began tossing himself as big blonde human cannonballs at his toad opponent. "That's your face when it meets my ass-kicking!"

"Who're you calling an ass?!" The pony cried. "Oh, I'll show you flank-kicking!" She pulled her cotton candy cloud in front of her like the world's fluffiest shield. "Rainbow School Style!"

"School's out! Get ready to graduate to Pain!" All seven human bullet Narutos pulled back their punches.

"Oh yeah, cause you're gonna be the world expert on pain!" The rainbow pony punched a foreleg through her cloud. "Thundeeeering hoof!" She announced her attack at the top of her lungs. She had to, just to make herself heard over what came next.

All the Narutos could only watch, wide-eyed, as a blast of lightning erupted from the little cloud, striking the first Naruto in the progeny. The others could only wince in horror as their brother sang his first and last aria of demasculination, "RAMEEEEEEEN!" He squeaked, before bursting into a puff of relieved smoke.

"Hey! Hey, Nawuto. She gave her hoof a name. Did you hear that, wittle Nawuto? She actually gave it a name. Woona thought only big sis does silly things like that." Luna said.

The other Narutos shivered as the fallen one's very brief but painful memories flooded them with unearthly pain. The pony gave Naruto a menacing grin as she spun and tore her forelegs through her cloud, shredding it into a pair of cotton candy pom poms. The look on her face threatened cheerleading and butt-kicking, and she seemed to have run all out of cheer.

Her fists crackling with lightning, she flared her wings and lowered herself into a stance at the remaining approaching Narutos. "Lots and lots and lots of Thundering Hooooooooves!" She declared as she unleashed a flurry of sweeping, spinning jabs and uppercuts. Lightning lit up the sky as thunderous blow upon thunderous blow shredded the passing Narutos, leaving naught but a long trail of clone smoke in her wake.

The pony turned and blew her fists...err...hooves. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7..." She counted, "Uh, wasn't there-..." She looked around.

"Yeah! Wots of Nawutos!" Luna cheered as the entire sky fell upon the winged pony. And the sky was orange and grinning manically like the sun. Half came together to form a human chain, hands to legs, while the other half piled together to form a giant orange morning star of blonde doom.

"Oh horseapples. That's no fair!" The pony muttered as a wide dark shadow fell across her courtesy of the human wrecking ball. The next thing to fall on her was the physics of awesome as the overkill-flail whacked her into a flat spin.

"She's tough as nails." Naruto muttered. "With a technique like that there's no getting close to her at all."

"Well, yeah, she's a pony. Like Woona." Luna said, matter-of-factly. "Woona's good at evwything! Except, uh, Hide-n-seek, cause Woona hasn't weally mastered being a tree yet."

"Except hide and seek, huh?" Naruto murmured to himself, "Luna, you're a genius!"

"Of course! But Woona likes being reminded. Remind Woona more, wittle Nawuto." Luna giggled happily.

"Ugh. That actually smarts!" The pony flared her wings wide open, righting herself out of her spin as her wingtips tore contrails out of the rushing air. Her outstretched wings slowed her down enough for her to turn around in midair to face up at her opponent above her once more. "So, you wanna play hard ball, huh? Well. I'm. Game." She said as she continued to fall backwards, her wings gathering clouds as she fell.

Before her the sky descended upon her in a tidal wave of eye-popping orange. She simply closed her eyes, waiting, waiting. And then she felt it, a jetstream carrying hot air. She flapped her wings hard, whipping up a mini-cyclone. Propelled by its mighty blast of wind she catapulted herself upwards, pulling a cone of hot jetstream in her wake. Her acceleration was so fast it coloured the jetstream the colours of her mane, all the colours of the rainbow.

The horde of Narutos came together to form a giant human wall of ninja-flavoured death, ready for the speeding rainbow bullet to impact into. But to his surprise the pony only smiled wider as she sped up. Then, as if the very air tore under her incredible speed, an explosive boom ripped the very air apart into a stream of colour. The blast of light and sound blasted the Naruto wall apart like a tower of discount ramen in a shopper gold rush.

The Narutos quickly rallied as they flew apart, spinning about and righting themselves in midair.They all counted each other on their fingers, brows furrowed in fierce concentration. "Woona still counts wots and wots of Nawutos!" Luna said helpfully. "They're all fine down there too."

"Yeah, you're right, Luna." Naruto said to his many selves as a smile of relief spread across their faces, "Hah, you missed!" They declared.

"Nah." The winged pony grinned, looking back as she slowed down enough to turn and gloat. "You know what comes after thunder?" She raised a forehoof skywards. "Taste some Rainbow-flavoured lightning, Oranges." She clicked her hoof as the fierce static generated by the hot jetstream against the cold air erupted in her wake, blossoming in an explosive blast of lightning that tore the sky in two behind her. It was even rainbow-coloured, just because. "Lightning. Rainboom." She declared her finishing move. Her bright grin of victory gleamed brightly as the rest of her pose was silhouetted starkly against the rainbow blast.

The very sky exploded. A plume of clone smoke spread across the sky above Konoha, blown apart by the superheated wave of air. The toad closed her eyes as the draft from the shockwave licked at her hair. "It's alright, I used the blunt edge." She said, opening her eyes to scan the sky as she descended to an altitude better suited for mid-air rescues. "Now, for the friendly neighbourhood Dash to go save somepony's extra crispy sorry plot." She tossed her mane over her shoulder in triumph.

But she didn't get to celebrate for long. She was interrupted by a puff of smoke behind her before a pair of arms latched themselves tightly around her neck. "Ultimate secret move, friend-snuggle attack." A voice whispered in her ear. "Betcha didn't see that coming, did you?"

"Whoah, how'd....?!" The winged pony gasped as she felt the arms brush past the base of her wings. "A-aah, h-hey, e-easy o-on...a-aaaah!" She tensed up as her opponent pressed his full weight down across her sensitive wing coverts. Her wings similarly tensed up, leaving her about as flightless as a paper plane. She barely managed to keep herself and her new burden afloat in a liftless glide towards the ground on her paralyzed wings.

"I turned myself into a feather." The ninja clinging onto her back grinned. "I had one of my clones stick me in your wings you as you flew past. A true ninja must see the hidden within the hidden."

"You w-w-what?!" The pony cried in disbelief. "You c-can't just...B-but that was my first...W-we haven't even..." She squeaked helplessly, before another shift of Naruto's weight on her back silenced her with a soft moan.

"Hey, you alright?" Naruto asked, suddenly concerned.

"I will be when you get off me!" She glided onto solid ground, landing in a canter before braking abruptly, whirling and bucking her impromptu passenger into the air. "And stay off!" She shouted at the ninja's airborne form.

"Urgyaa-...urp." Naruto's cry and flight was cut short by a mouthful of grass. "Gah! What have I ever done to you?!" Naruto spat the grass out of his face as he turned to shoot an angry look at his summon.

"Oh, I don't know." The pony said, airly, before shooting him a scathing look that threatened to sear his balls off. "You only stuck a feather in my bucking wings!" She snapped, stomping a hoof angrily.

"Well, you stuck lightning in my...uhh...pride!" Naruto retorted.

"There wasn't much, was there?!"

"Say that again to my face!"

"Well, turn around and I'll do just that!"

"You've got something else stuck up somewhere else entirely, don't you?!"

"I'm not the one going around sticking himself where he doesn't belong!"

"Well, that feather was me, so I kinda stuck myself in your wings." Naruto pointed out as he picked himself up gingerly.

"Oh, yeah, and that makes it all better! NOT!" She barked back, suddenly blushing brightly.

"What's the big deal, anyway? It's just a feather." Naruto pouted, crossing his arms defensively.

"Just a feather? Just a feather?! Do you even know....?!" She demanded, stomping her hooves angrily. "Oh, no, you don't, do you? Cause you're just that dumb!"

"Fine, alright, I'm dumb. I get it." Naruto snapped back, waving his arms in the air, "I'm dumb cause I actually believed I'd be able to summon a friend who'd be willing to give me a helping hand when I need it! There!"

"Huh?" The winged pony blinked, seemingly taken aback at the little outburst, "A friend? Is that all? You kinda overshot it a teeny bit then, don'cha think?" She raised an eyebrow. "Most ponies take it slower. Like, much slower. Like, with 'hello' and 'waves' first. Nopony goes popping wings right off the bat!"

"Yeah, sorry." Naruto conceded. "Just, got a little over-excited. It's...my first time, you know?" He said, timidly.

"Hah. It shows." The blue pony's face flushed with another soft blush, wings twitching a little. She took a deep breath before sighing. "W-well, fine. You didn't mean anything bad....I think? You're strong, and I respect that. I'll at least give you a chance, cause I'm awesome like that."

"Really?" Naruto asked, suddenly hopeful.

"But touch my wings again and we're picking up where we left off." She suddenly snarled. "And the only thing you'll be touching after will be scorch marks."

"Whoah, sure, whatever you say." Naruto raised his hands disarmingly.

"Yep, what I say, or the highway." She nodded, satisfied. Yet another low thunderous rumble filled the air, causing Naruto's hands to shoot reflexively towards what remained of his progeny. "And my tummy says it's high time for high tea." She chuckled at Naruto's reaction.

"What a rude tummy." Luna muttered, "Woona's tummy always says 'please' like a good little lady."

"Heh, a good workout always works up a good appetite." The blue pony chuckled. "So hows abouts your new friend listen to your troubles over some chow?"

Ramen! Ramen! RAMEN! WOOONAAAAVEEEEEEEERSE!

View Online

"I think we're clear. I don't see anymore ANBU agents." A little spot of orange peeled itself from the public toilet at one corner of the foresty training field. Not that his concerns were founded. Most people except for Naruto and the ANBU themselves know the moment a ninja dons the ANBU operative mask their capabilities and intelligence drops to dangerously sub-Darwinian levels. "Okay, we're in town now, just act natural." Naruto said, peering around a corner to peer up the sparsely-populated suburban street. The occasional passerby barely gave him more than a second look before speeding up their step, expecting an impending prank from the orange menace.

"Totally natural." A cardboard box wearing the colours of a rock with a pair of holes for eyes sauntered up. "Like hay this is!" It snapped, looking up at Naruto as angrily as a rock-camouflaged cardboard box can. Which, admittedly, was actually quite menacing.

"They wouldn't expect it." Naruto said, waving the cardboard box after him as he did his best 'natural' walk into town, which involved strutting with robotic purpose. "Now, act casual."

"I'm sure....ugh!" The box cried on bashing itself into a wall, leaving a crack in the concrete. "That nobody...ouch!" It faceplanted a power pole, leaving a noticeable dent. "....nobody expects anything from you! ARGH!" The box tripped into a trash can, sending the contents of both the box and the can tumbling out into a jumble.

"You have a weird idea of casual." Naruto said, scissor-stepping along one wall stealthily towards his downed companion. Never mind that every single pair of eyes in the area were already on him. He bent down and, after dislodging a hitchhiking banana peel from her mane, pulled the disgruntled pony up onto her legs.

"I don't want to hear that from you." The pony muttered, dusting herself off with a hoof. She then turned to the box, gave it one last look of disgust, before bucking it into the air. Naruto winced at the sound of glass breaking somewhere thankfully quite distant.

"KONOHAMARU!" An angry voice filled the air, presumably at the sight of Konohamaru's signature rock-camo cardboard box sailing in through their window. Naruto silently sent up a prayer and an apology for the third hokage's doomed grandson.

"You're one to speak of weird." The pony scoffed as she pranced off down the road. "You're just plain weird. I mean, look, you don't even have a tail!"

Naruto ran to keep up as he eyed the sky-blue pony from the rainbow mane down to her physically-impossible wings. "Uhuh." He gave a sarcastic grunt. Meanwhile everyone else around them simply shrugged and went on their daily business, putting it down as just another one of the village oddball's usual oddities, talking sky-blue plushie-doll thing non-withstanding. Though a few of the younger girls did give him a few fond smiles and giggles.

"What are you anyway?" The pony asked, raising a pointed eyebrow at him. "I don't think I've ever seen you around these parts."

"Naruto." Naruto replied, simply, with a huff of pride. "Better remember it! One day simply mentioning that name will leave your enemies wetting their pants!"

"Pants?" The pony cocked her head to one side, as if giving this a moment's thought. She seemed to quickly dismiss it as she went on, "What? Your name confuses everypony into forgetting their bladders or something?"

"One day I will be so powerful my name alone will be able to protect my friends no matter where I am!" The pony couldn't help but notice the boy's eyes shine with an earnestness that outshone the sun. "Believe it!" He gave her a grin so confident she could almost imagine her uttering the name crushing an entire field of Nightmares.

"Heh, I actually want to see that." She chuckled. "So, what's a Naruto?"

"The greatest ninja that ever lived." Naruto crossed his arms over his puffed up chest.

"Ouch, that must hurt." The pony winced.

"See? See? Told you knee-in-jaws hurt!" Luna said.

"Not you too." Naruto sighed, "Looks like I'll have to teach you ponies everything from the ground up. Starting with ramen!"

"Ray-men?" The pony frowned. "Whazzat?"

"W-what have the wamen ever done to you?!" Luna squeaked.

"You'll find out in a bit." Naruto answered them both with a grin.

"Before or after we score some chow today?" The pony asked. "Where are we going for that, anyway?"

"That's what the ramen's for. We're hitting up Ichiraku's for some." Naruto said, mouth already salivating at the thought.

"Ichiraku? Never heard of that place in Ponyville." The pony cocked her head to one side.

"Never heard of Pony-fill myself." Naruto said.

"Huh, I must've flown further than I thought." The pony frowned. "I must've crossed the border into another district. Darn it, should've listened to Flitter about today's jet streams. I should probably report to the local lord. I don't want the Nightmares on my tail."

"Nightmares?" Naruto asked. "Well, if it'll help you sleep any better, we can swing by the old man Hokage on the way back."

"He's the local boss? Huh, never heard of him either." The pony's eyebrows furrowed deeper. "Where am I, exactly?"

"Only the birthplace of the world's greatest ninja ever, Konoha village." Naruto said, airily. "Also home to world's best ramen." He gestured at the ramen stand sitting at the street corner.

"You're really selling this grub, aren't you?" The pony chuckled. "Gotta warn you though, Rainbow Dash isn't an easy customer!"

"Rainbow Dash, that's your name?" Naruto asked, "Now that's badass."

"I know right. So badass I can even make pink look badass." Rainbow grinned.

"Pink is totally badass." Naruto said out of loyalty to the pink-haired love of his life. Enjoy it while you can, Naruto.

"You know what else is badass? Some grub. Right now." Rainbow stopped by the ramen stand to crane her neck up. But seeing as she only came up to around Naruto's waist she could only scowl in frustration. "Why make these so high up?" She muttered at the store counter. "Don't they want customers?"

"Upsi-daisy!" Naruto picked her up by her forehooves and heaved her up onto one of the bar stools lining the counter.

"Wha-hey!" Rainbow blushed furiously as she flailed her hooves, but she was no match for Naruto's strength. The pony couldn't help but be surprised by how much strength the strange creature's frail-looking little paw-appendages had. She was about to open her mouth to express her indignance when a tall elderly man's beaming face cut her short.

"Oh, Naruto, my boy!" Old man Ichiraku, store proprietor, chef, and one of Naruto's favourit-est people in the world, greeted his favourite customer. "And...wh-...who is this?" He said, slightly taken aback by the strange creature sitting on the counter.

"This is Rainbow Dash. Only the most badass ninja summon, ever." Naruto grinned, "And cause she's my summon, she's not leaving without falling in love with the best food in the whole wide world."

"Summon?" Old man Ichiraku was no stranger to ninja familiars. It was not uncommon for ninjas to bring their familiars for some quality bonding time over a bowl of Ichiraku's. "Excellent! Welcome, welcome to Ichiraku's, young... er...lady!" He quickly recovered from the his surprise. It was flooring to hear the young newly-graduated Naruto could already summon his own familiars but he took it in considerably good stride. After all, it meant one new guaranteed regular, if the boy's habits were anything to go by.

"Oh, hey, another Naruto." Rainbow gave the old man a toothy grin, "Thanks. I'm liking your place already, mister! It smells real good."

"Thanks, young lady. It just so happens we've got a discount for all first-time familiars. Here, the familiar's menu." Being the enterprising salesman he is Ichiraku had even produced a laminated and chakra-proof familiar-friendly menu dominated by big mouth-watering pictures.

"Familiar?" Rainbow raised an eyebrow at Naruto over the menu in her hooves.

"The usual for me, old man!" Naruto said before swivelling on his stool to face Rainbow. "Well, I kinda did summon you here. While you're here you're my familiar. Just another word for 'buddy', is all. Which means you get to have lunch on me. Get what you like."

"That works for me. Especially if you're buying lunch." Rainbow grinned. "Uh...cockroach? Flies? You guys really eat that kinda stuff?"

Naruto did an epic spit-take, spraying his own menu with tea. "Old man, what have you been feeding us?!"

"Yes! What hath the poor cocky-roaches and flies ever done to you?!" Luna cried in protest.

"That's just on the familiar menu." Ichiraku said with a smile, "I'm guessing you're more a vegetarian? There's a whole vegetarian menu on the left there."

"Ooh, hay and roses!" Rainbow planted a hoof on her choice, "One for me, pops!"

"Hay and roses? Really?" Naruto blinked. "Since when?"

"Nara clan and their deer summons." Ichiraku shrugged, getting to work.

"So, Oranges, what's this summoning stuff? Or is it, like, egghead-level stuff I should just roll with?" Rainbow asked, cradling her chin in one hoof.

"Do I look like an egghead to you?" Naruto asked, "Except when it comes to badassery. I have a Pee-Age-Dee in badassery."

"Heh, got my own professorship in it years ago with my first sonic rainboom." Rainbow said, airily.

"Ninjas like me often make summoning contracts to get a little helping hand when they need it. In return they offer to help their summons whenever they might need it." Naruto explained. "It's like being best friends forever, but better!"

"Forsooth! Woona gave Nawuto the best summoning contwact ever!" Luna declared. "Cause they're all ponies! Like Woona!"

"Huh, I see." Rainbow nodded, giving a little smile. "This can be helpful, for both of us." Naruto didn't get a chance to ask what exactly she meant by that before Rainbow went on, "So, you first. What do you need help with?"

"I have a test coming up." Naruto said.

"Ugh, tests. Sorry, you missed by about this much." She put both hooves close together to indicate the tiniest possible gap. "Should've gone for the unicorn in the next tree over. She eats tests for breakfast."

"It's a fighting tournament. I need to learn some really cool badass techniques to kick the rod stuck up this one guy's butt. I need to help dislodge it, up or down doesn't matter, as long as I can make him see how big the rod is." Naruto said. "Speaking of, you've got really cool techniques."

"And you want me to teach you some of my signature kickass moves?" Rainbow asked, beating him to the punch.

"Uh, yeah! We'd be able to go all ninja world war on his butt with that." Naruto said, "Would you mind? Teaching me that is?"

"Well, I don't mind at all. Most pegasus foals learn that stuff from an early age. All I did was refine it into my own style, all 20% cooler." Rainbow tapped a hoof on her chin thoughtfully. "Problem is you're kinda short a pair of wings. And a lot of awesome. But, hey, nopony's perfect."

"Kinda need to keep all that awesome suppressed, don't want to set everything on fire." Naruto gestured at himself with a cocky smile.

"Yay! Set evwything on fire!" Luna cried excitedly. "Set all this water on fire!"

"Well, hot stuff, you need pegasi wings to do pegasi magic and moves. I mean, you don't exactly need to be taught how to punch stuff in the face, right?"

"Well, all I need to do is get a pair of wings, right?" Naruto asked, reaching into his equipment pouch kitted with full regulation gear. He pulled out a pair of seal tags, applied the adhesive, before sticking them to his shoulders. "There, got wings, got awesome."

"Wheee! Wingies! Nawuto's got wingies!" Luna cheered. "The awesome hath been doubled!"

"Pffftt." Rainbow's cheeks blew up with muffled laughter before exploding into gails of laughter, "Bwahahahahah! That's good! That's good, Oranges!"

"Thundeeeeering hoof." Naruto put on a very serious square-jawed look as he rapped the counter with his knuckles.

"Teeheehee!" Luna giggled uncontrollably. "Do the other one! The other one!"

"Lots and lots of thundering hooooooooves." Naruto went on in a low drawl, rapping the counter repeatedly.

"BWAHAHAHAHAH!" Rainbow fell of her stool. "Ahah! Ahahah! Haaaa!" She squeaked breathlessly on the floor.

"I should probably hold back on the sonic laughing wang doom." Naruto said, mercifully.

"Hee....ah...can't...take anymore!" Rainbow heaved, coming up for air.

"You can laugh now. Wait till I show you the real deal." Naruto grinned.

"Hahah! The way you say it, I actually think you might pull it off." Rainbow chuckled, fluttering back up onto her stool weakly. "Hay, I want to see you pull it off."

"Believe it." Naruto nodded.

"In fact..." Rainbow's face lit up with an idea. Most of Rainbow's friends knew this was their queue to run for the hills, preferably well-grounded ones. Naruto, unfortunately, was as yet uninitiated to the full Rainbow Dash experience. "I have an awesomeriffic idea! There's an easy peasy cider squeezy way of getting you a pair of wings."

"Well, let's not wait till my birthday then!" Naruto said, face suddenly mirroring Rainbow's.

"But you've already got wingies." Luna pointed out. "You want to double the wingies?"

"All you need is some unicorn-brand magic." Rainbow said. "I've seen'em conjure up wings before. Not as good as the real article, but, hey, any cloud in a storm."

"Awesome!" Naruto fist pumped, "Er." He frowned, "What's a unicorn?"

"The horny ponies." Rainbow said, "You can't miss them when you see them."

"Yeah! Especially when they expwode!" Luna giggled.

"Uh..." Naruto filed away Luna's words under 'caution' but decided wisely not to comment. "Okay, so I need to summon a unicorn then?"

"Soup's up!" Ichiraku brought out bowls of his best ramen. "Tuck in, lady and gentleman."

"Oh yeaaah!" Naruto whipped up his chopstick and spun them in his fingers deftly before plunging them into the thick hot broth with relish.

"Smells awesomelicious!" Rainbow said enthusiastically. She noticed how her bowl was broad-based when Naruto's wasn't, but decided not to comment. She had more important matters to attend to, like her appetite. "Uh, what are those?" She pointed a hoof at Naruto's chopsticks.

"These? Chopsticks." Naruto whipped out another pair and offered them to Rainbow.

Rainbow looked between Naruto and the chopsticks with a look of sheer incredulity that would have made Sasuke envious. "Uh..." She bit the chopsticks and succeeded only in doing an impression of the most wobbly-tusked walrus ever.

"Pfffft! Bwahahahah!" Naruto and Luna both burst out laughing.

Rainbow just shot him a dirty look before looking longingly down at her bowl of hay and rose petal ramen.

"Don't worry, I cooled your soup with a little ice. You can eat it right out of the bowl." Ichiraku said, helpfully.

"Hey, thanks, mister! You're actually pretty cool!" Rainbow grinned. "Don't mind if I do then!" She dived right into the bowl, literally. "OOOOHHH YEAAAAAAAAH FILLY!" Rainbow made her appreciation heard loud and clear.

Naruto could only stare, frozen, eyes wide, as he watched his companion ravage the bowl with all the ferocity of Choji at an all-you-can-eat buffet. No, scratch that, the passionate noises Rainbow was making brought to mind Sissyke's personal fangirl club lavishing rather disgusting affection over his latest candid photobook. "Oh, aaah! Hmmm yes! Yes! YES! BUCK YES!" Rainbow cried.

"Hey, hey, Woona wants a taste!" Naruto could practically feel the little filly hopping up and down in his head. "Pwease! Pwease! Pwease! Pwease! Pwea-..."

"Huh, you sure you're ready for this?" Naruto grinned a feral grin.

"Uhuh!" Luna affirmed enthusiastically.

"Then, take this!" Naruto attacked his own bowl with gusto.

"Ooooooooooh!" Luna squeaked excitedly. "Yuummmyyy!"

"Mmm! How about this!" Naruto spooned up the thick, creamy broth.

"Mmmmmh! Double the yummmieeeees!" Luna cried, swooning.

"And there's more!" Naruto threatened, spearing the egg yolk and smearing in the spring onions before diving in once more.

"Uwaaaaaaaaaaaah!" Luna's squeak of passion filled Naruto's head. "Nawuto! Nawutoooo! NAWUTOOOOO!"

"And the finishing move." Naruto picked up the bowl and drained the thickest broth at the bottom of the bowl.

"WOOOOOOOOONAVEEEEERSEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Something exploded deep inside Naruto's mind.

For a moment only the wind dared make a sound, and even then very, very quietly. As remains of the battle dripped off Naruto's chopsticks, three very happy customers sat in silence, revelling in their victory in battle.

"So...good?" Ichiraku asked with a knowing grin.

"Dude." Rainbow's trembling voice came up from where she had buried her face in the counter. "Don't come to Equus. You'd send us all to heaven and kill off all life." She squeaked weakly.

"I think she likes it." Naruto concluded for her.

"One to take out?" Rainbow raised a limp hoof. "Uh, please?" She asked aside to Naruto.

"Be my guest." Naruto grinned with earnest happiness at having introduced yet another lucky soul to the joys of ramen. Or two. "Err, Luna, you still alive in there?"

"Kaaaaah....aaaaah....Woona....Woona's just...going to sit here...quietly for a bit." Luna squeaked weakly. "A-a l-long while..."

'Wow, it was enough to shut her up? Now that's something.' Naruto thought to himself.

"Whoah! What the hay! Not ready for round 2 yet!" Rainbow gasped. Naruto looked around and found that a familiar pair of hands had taken hold of his buddy.

"Whoah! She's as soft and cuddly as she looks!" The hands' owner squeed excitedly. "Hey, hey, Naruto, can I have this? Pleaaaase?" Ichiraku Ayame's familiar face beamed up at him, radiating 100% pure contentment as she stroked Rainbow's mane.

"Whoah! Hey! That mane's naturally wind-ruffled! You can't just....ah! Wait!" Rainbow cried, "Uh...please?" She pleaded as her struggles against Ayame's vice grip proved completely futile.

"Uh, I don't know, Ayame." Naruto said, scratching his hair, "She's my first summon and all and..."

"I'll make you all the free ramen you can eat for a week." Ayame said with a wink.

"Heck yeah." Naruto raised his hand, ready to bite into his thumb to draw blood. "How many more do you want?" He asked, preparing his summoning technique.

"Hey! Traitor! What happened to buddies helping each other out and all them horseapples?!" Rainbow demanded, "H-hey! Easy on the wings! Hey! HEY! Aah!" She squeaked, her wings flaring open under Ayame's probing hands.

"So soft! So wondrous!" Ayame sighed, lovingly. "So...so fluffy!"

"Uh, your take-away?" Ichiraku asked, almost afraid of getting in her daughter's way for fear of his own life. He placed the plastic take-away bowl-container on the counter with all the reverence of a fearful worshipper offering tribute to the lord of the apocalypse.

"Whoah! Thanks, pops! Catchya later!" Rainbow squeaked, grabbing the bowl and taking off from her stool, going from zero to hissy-fit-retreat in 10 seconds flat. She actually dragged Ayame a short distance, scraping a deep trough into the ground, before she gave a burst of speed, ripping herself free from Ayame's iron clutches.

"Wow...so...cute." Ayame sighed, cupping her hands over her heart, eyes shining with undisguised wonder as she slid onto her knees in the little trough she had carved for herself. "Naruto, could you...?" She turned to face the young ninja, but found nothing but a wobbling stool. Even the dust had yet to settle in the wake of his retreat. "Naruto?"

"By lightning!" Rainbow wheezed, cradling her prize as they settled in a corner of one of Konoha's many training grounds. "I-I made it!" She panted with relief. "No thanks to you!" She shot Naruto a dirty look.

"I'd fight hordes of demon spawn and armies of undead ninja for my friends." Naruto said, with conviction. "But that girl, Ayame? Uh, let's say she doesn't count."

"Pfft, wuss." Rainbow muttered under her breath.

"Would you face her willingly?" Naruto raised an eyebrow.

Rainbow shuddered visibly from the very fresh memory. "Uh, yeah. Point taken." She conceded.

"Now, we're all fueled up. Let's get to work." Naruto grinned, biting his thumb and drawing blood.

"Huh? On what?" Rainbow asked.

"Finding a unicorn." Naruto said, before rearing up to his full height. "Summoning technique a-go-go!" He roared, throwing his palm to the ground.

The wind whistled through the trees. A lone chicada chirped somewhere on a nearby branch. A cat meowed in the distance. Rainbow plopped open her ramen container and sniffed deeply, appreciating the sweet succulent scent.

Pomf.

A little puff of smoke finally appeared from Naruto's hands.

"Whoah! Hey, it worked!" A squeaky little voice cried out triumphantly. "Cutie mark crusaders, time travellers, yay! Uuh, Sweetie-Belle? Scootaloo? Where are yah two?" The smoke cleared to reveal a little Luna-sized creamy yellow marshmallow on legs, topped with a mop of red hair complete with bright red bow. "Oh horseapples, them two fillies must have ended up a few years behind in the dinosaur age! The ice age's way cooler! Ah told'em we had to sink-ron-nice-thingy our watches before." The little yellow blob aimed a pair of big russet eyes the size of ramen bowls up at the awestruck ninja. "Uuuh....hello, uh, prim-ee-tip creature of the distant past. Ah am...uh...your descendant? All evolved and stuff?"

"It worked alright." Rainbow nodded with a grin.

Naruto's cry of despair shook branches and shook birds off their perches for miles around. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! NOT ANOTHER TADPOLE!"

That's Not a Punch!

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The late afternoon sun was the only light in the sad, broken corpse's un-life as it lay decomposing slowly in its despair amidst the training field's dust. "Taaaaaadpoooooooles. My life's full of taaaaaadpoooooles. It's the tadpole god's cuuuuuuuurse." It moaned in a manner not unlike a zombie lamenting its epitaph.

"Ah got here first, so ah am callin' dibs on the prim-ee-tip ancestor discoverer cutie mark." The first ramen-coloured tadpole was busy laying claim to her summoner, hopping up and down excitedly atop his defeated buttocks.

"What would a prim-ee-tip ancestor cutie-mark look like anyway? Like one of those fossil things?" A fashion-sensible orange winged tadpole asked, tapping a hoof against her chin thoughtfully.

"Aren't those, like, turds turned to stone?" Another tadpole, this one the colour and roundness of a ripe white turnip, complete with pointy horned tip, said. "Eeewww!" She screwed up her nose at her companions.

"So, the cutie mark would look like Diamond Tiara." The orange one summed up. "Con-gray-ya-lay-shuns, Applebloom."

"Urgh, actually, no thanks." The ramen-coloured one muttered. "But, hey, what about fossil-hunter cutie marks!" She suggested excitedly.

"But aren't those for dine-or-sores?" The orange one pointed out, "And aren't they supposed to be, you know, dead and buried dine-or-sores?"

"Looks pretty dead to me." The turnip tadpole concluded, poking the corpse's blonde hair experimentally. "So now we just bury it and then we can be..."

"Cutie mark crusader fossil hunters, yay!" They all leapt atop the corpse and hopped up and down in celebration.

"Sluuuuurp..." Rainbow, most loyal of summons, watched her summoner's plight over her bowl of ramen from where she lay to one side of the training field next to a set of old vending machines. "Oh yeaaaaaaaaaah, fillyyyyyy!" She allowed herself a muffled squeak of happiness. She had paced herself well through her second bowl, allowing herself just a soft but ticklish glow.

"Hey, hey, Rainbow, whazzat?" The orange tadpole asked, hopping off the corpse to go study her distraction-of-the-second. "Can I have a try?" She asked, putting on her best puppy-dog squee.

""Not till you're older, squirt." Rainbow said, waving the filly off.

"Awwww!"

"I agree! Awwwww!" The corpse finally showed signs of life.

"At least you summoned a unicorn, Oranges." Rainbow said, though more giggling than consoling.

"Forsooth, she's all howny and evewything!" Luna pointed out helpfully.

"It's a horny tadpole!" Naruto pointed an accusing finger at the turnip-tadpole.

"I'm Sweetie Belle!" The tadpole asserted, "And you're orange!" She shot back.

"Hey, what's wrong with orange?" The orange one shot at her friend, "Oranges are orange and oranges are pretty awesome." She shot off on a tangent.

"Yeah, uncle Orange is from the city so he talks weird and even wears clothes, but he's pretty awesome." The ramen-coloured one shot off on a tangent to a tangent.

"Maybe I can confuse Hyuug-face to death with them?" Naruto wondered out loud as he turned over to stare up at the reddening sky above in contemplation. "Wait a sec, Rainbow, what's that you got in your hand? Or hoof? Whatever?" He asked, glancing around at his summonee.

"Huh, this?" Rainbow was half-way to tipping the contents of a bottle into her ramen. "Ketchup. Got it from the old man's stall."

"Whoah!" Naruto leapt to his feet and swooped in and held the tip steady, preventing the first drop from leaking out from the bottle. "That's high grade hon mirin*! That's, like, 40% proof! Flammable stuff! Hot ramen could probably set it off!"

*Cooking alcohol

"What, you guys put explosives in your food?" Rainbow blinked. "Whoah, that's, like, badass."

"If that's all it takes to show Hyuu-jerk the mirror he needs then I'd down all of TonTon's explosives with a side of Sasuke's flammable breath-stink." Naruto muttered.

"Ya know, I'm no egghead. I don't get this whole sum-moan-knee thing, whatever it is. But you sort of teleport ponies over, right?" Rainbow said. "You've been getting random ponies so far. Why don't cha' think of somepony in particular?"

"Huh, good idea. I'll start with not-a-tadpole." Naruto muttered. "Any suggestions?"

"Hmmm....Think powerful and purple. Y'know, the colour of grapes." Rainbow suggested, thinking of her best friend. If there's anypony able to help him, it'd be her. "Hopefully that'll get you the most powerful pony....after me, of course."

"Everypony knows purple's the second most powerful colour after blue." Luna nodded sagely to herself. "Blue's the strongest. Not white. Definitely not white."

"Grapes, huh?" Naruto said. "Got it. Let's summon them grapes. Summoning technique a-go-go!" He slammed his palm into the ground again, causing the three little tadpoles to leap in surprise. A cloud of smoke erupted forth. This one hung about for a long while. In fact, one might go so far as to accuse of it of being a particularly lethargic cloud. Even its plumes curled half-heartedly, its billows sluggish.

It smelled of grapes. Oh, and berries.

"Oh by thundersnaps...." Rainbow muttered, filling with dread. "I said the colour of grapes! I didn't say think of grapes!"

"What? This even smells of grapes!" Naruto argued as the smoke cleared just about enough for them to make out the results.

For all intents and purposes it looked like yet another corpse had arrived on the training field.

"What cheap flank-wipe let the sun through?!" The slurred words would have belonged right at home on a zombie, a slogan for 60% absinthe, or both. "I swear I'll make you drink glitter and slurp rainbows for the rest of your life!" It cried in anguish, writhing lethargically as if the very sun was burning its velvety violet coat and brilliant lilac mane. "Urrghhh!" It groaned, its body tensing up as if trying to get up or resurrect itself, or both. "Uuuurrrgh!" It tried again, doing a perfect impression of a landed fish. "Ugh." It gave one last pathetic gasp as it flopped to its side. "Okay, I give up, you win." It conceded defeat.

"This is the most powerful pony?!" Naruto cried in despair. "I'd hate to see the second!"

"Hey, ponies are really really reaaaaally powerful!" Luna protested, "Woona's sure this isn't even its final form!"

A loud, low rumble filled the air. It grumbled, growled, burbled, even squeaked and plinked in places like the sound of an entire household crumbling to bits, kitchen sink and all. Birds abandoned their trees in favour of the safety of the skies. All the babies in the neighbourhood began crying. Then, finally, it settled into a low, quiet babble. Rainbow, Naruto and the tadpoles all stood, transfixed.

"Was that...?" Naruto finally broke the silence.

"But that's..." Rainbow murmured in disbelief.

"I'm hungry..." The corpse sniffled helpfully.

"It's hungry." Naruto noted, stiffly.

"It's hungry." Rainbow echoed, hollowly.

"F-forget rude! T-that tummy's really scawy! A-almost as s-scawy as big sis'!" Luna squeaked. Naruto could almost see the little pony curl up into a protective little ball.

Whatever the creature was, its little lilac snout sniffed the air curiously, its fluffy ears perking up as it locked on the ramen. Rainbow's territorial pegasus instincts tingled as she quickly clutched her bowl protectively. She couldn't help but feel a pang of trepidation at the little smirk that spread across the corpse's muzzle. The corpse suddenly came to life as it slammed a hoof into the ground, its brilliant lilac eyes suddenly burning with single-minded determination. Rainbow could feel a subtle tremor snake through the ground in the wake of the hoof stomp. However, being a pegasus, she didn't sense that it was rushing straight for the ramen bowl.

The tremor did its job. It gave the bowl the little subteranean nudge it needed. With a soft 'plink' the ramen bowl bounced out of Rainbow's hooves. "H-hey!" Rainbow leapt out after her half-eaten meal.

With a grin the corpse gave a few more choice hoof-stomps.

Plink...plink....plink...

Rainbow dashed from side to side across the training field, chasing after her runaway ramen bowl while it clattered away as if captained by some drunk mariner.

"Come to mama~" The corpse finally fully came to life, lifting her hooves out as the ramen bowl leapt obediently into her hooves. "Good colty~"

"Oh no ya don't!" Rainbow cried, diving for her stolen meal.

"Jeez, why do all the colties bring their exs into my life?" The lilac pony punched one hoof into the ground, sending herself straight up onto her rearhooves. She effortlessly swung from horizontal to vertical as if hinging on the tips of her rearhooves, allowing Rainbow to fall flat on her snout where the lilac pony lay just moments before. "Looks like yer popular with the ladies, colty~" She giggled, nuzzling the ramen bowl.

"Not cool! Hand me my ramen back before I hand you one, hard, Berry Punch!" Rainbow barked, wings propelling her onto her rearhooves.

"Oh, Ra-man, is that yer name, my colty?" The lilac pony giggled, hugging the ramen bowl in one hoof, "Well, I'm Berry Punch. Pleasure's aaaaaall mine, I'm sure~"

"I mean it, Berry!" Rainbow teetered on her rearhooves, balanced by her fluttering wings.

"Oh, a kiss? Already? It's only our first date, Mr. Ra-man, but if you insist." The lilac pony, the self-proclaimed Berry Punch, tipped the ramen bowl in one hoof and dipped her snout into the thick smooth broth. Her eyes shot open, glimmering brightly in the late afternoon light. "BERRY BERRY YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!" She moaned out loud. "Mmm, not bad for a first kiss, hot stuff~" She giggled, licking her lips.

"Fowsooth, Woona thinks she likes wamen too." Luna helpfully pointed out. "...maybe a wittle too much." She added, with a hint of disgust. Can't blame her, the way the lilac pony's flanks were swaying almost criminally.

"Nooooo! Ramen!" Rainbow gasped, "H-how dare you taint my poor sweet ramen!" She growled, trembling from mane to hoof. "B-Berry, y-you...you suck!"

"I swallow too." Berry took another gulp of ramen. "MMmmmyeaaaaaaaaah!"

"Berry, I used to hate you." Rainbow growled. "Now? I super hate you."

"Should I be doing something?" Naruto asked from where he sat idly alongside the rest of the audience, the three dumbstruck fillies.

"Um, big sis says ponies have a great kay-pass-city for forgiveness." Luna said, "So Woona's sure they'll hug and be nice to each other real soon!"

WHAM

The two ponies had soft furry hooves buried in each other's soft furry faces.

"You were saying?" Naruto asked.

"Um, they, um, must've tried to hug but missed!" Luna said, "The sun must've gotten in their eyes! Naughty sun! Last time the naughty sun got in places it didn't belong we lost our second moon! And they blamed poor wittle Woona for it! The nerve!"

"Well, better stop them from hugging each other again before someone loses an eye." Naruto got to his feet. "Hey, you two..." He looked up to find that in the brief moment it took him to get up his new friend had been sent to the ground, twitching helplessly.

"H-Hey! S-stop-aaaaaaaaaaaah!" Rainbow moaned loudly at the mare sitting side-saddle on her back, gently stroking a hoof through her wings. "W-what a-are y-you doing?!"

"Other than you? Just your hoof fu accu-pressure points." Berry shrugged, expertly hooking a hoof under one wing covert.

"L-Like h-hay they are-aaaaaaaaaaaaah!" Rainbow cried, face turning the colour of Berry's coat.

"Silly Rainbow. When was the last time you preened these, hmmm." Berry giggled saucily. "Looks like I'll have to....whoah!" She swayed backwards just in time to avoid a well-aimed high-kick from the Orange one. She limply rolled off Rainbow's back just in time to avoid the kick hooking her from behind in its return. She rolled through the dirt, switching hooves to keep her ramen bowl upright, before rolling onto her rearhooves once more. "Hey, colty, I don't do threesomes, at least not sober."

"Well, too bad. You just hurt my friend!" Naruto barked, standing in between Rainbow and Berry.

"Yeah!" Luna called out helpfully to nobody at all.

"S-s-so g-good...u-ugh." Rainbow moaned one last time before falling flat on her face.

"...Well, you did something to my friend!" Naruto corrected himself quickly.

"Double yeah...Woona thinks!" Luna added helpfully.

"Jealous, colty?" Berry shook her head as she took another sip from the bowl of ramen. "Can't blame ya." She smirked, licking her lips. "Everypony wants a taste of Berry Punch."

"I summoned you! My team, my rules! Those who steal ramen are trash! But those who steal ramen from their comrades are worse than trash!!" Naruto snapped, leveling a finger at Berry.

"Yeah! Nopony steals wamen! Woona likes Wamen so all the wamen belongs to Woona! So stealing wamen is stealing from Woona! And that's naughty!" Luna cried.

"Summoned?" Berry looked around at the training field, tilting her head from side to side. "Had a feeling this isn't happy hour at the Prancing Pony. Can't even tell if I'm too sober or too smashed. Y'know what, I need a stiff one." She raised a lazy hoof towards Naruto. "You look like the punch-first, ask-forgiveness-later type. Plus whatever you are, yer wearin' pants, and I'm really into pants. Like, gettin' into'em. Tell you what, Colty. Let's hoe-down here. You win, I follow yer team and rules and whatever. I win, drinks on you at the nearest feed-bag. Deal?"

"I was just going to show you how bad drinking is for your health." Naruto cracked a knuckle. "I'll ace your challenge while I'm at it."

"I like you already, colty." Berry grinned, "Cause you's so sporting, I'll let ya win if ya land even one attack on me."

"I'd call balls on your bluff, but if it prevents you being renamed 'Berry Punched' I'm cool with that." Naruto dashed forwards, intent on a pre-emptive strike.

"Oh, impatient, are we?" Berry raised one hoof into a fighting stance, the other hoof still balancing the ramen bowl.

"Clone Technique!" Naruto announced, quickly running through the hand seals mid-dash. Eight clones burst forth from smoke all around him, hitting the ground running alongside him.

"Holy horseapples, I haven't even started drinking yet." Berry muttered, eyeing the nine Narutos charging for her. "Which one do I punch?" She murmured to herself, frowning. "Uh, all this thinkin's givin' me a headache. I'll just punch all eighteen of ya!"

"She can't count! Woona can! Victory is ours, wittle Nawuto!" Luna declared.

"Let me give you a hint." All the Narutos charged in a flurry of punches and kickes. "The way to tell the real one is when you feel him punching you in the face!" The first clone threw out a punch. It met with naught but air as his target swayed out of the way. Another clone launched into a flying kick. This time his target staggered unsteadily away from the kick before falling over backwards out of the way of a roundhouse kick and a punch from two more clones.

She fell onto a hoof, curling it comfortably behind her head. "Not feelin' it yet, Colty." She yawned, tipping the ramen bowl to let a little stream of ramen to pour into her mouth. "Mmm, I'm feelin' the ramen more. Can you do it harder?"

"She's slipperier than Sasuke when he's in drag!" Naruto muttered as one clone attempted to heel-drop kick the lilac pony while another attempted to land a punch. Both only struck earth as Berry tossed her ramen bowl into the air before snaking backwards. She then rolled away out of the way of two flying curb stomps before rolling back onto her rearhooves.

"Alley-oop!" She spun out of the way of another punch as she caught her ramen bowl of the air. "Seriously, all the colties always make me do all the work." Berry sighed, bending over backwards to dodge yet another punch, this time curling one rearhoof behind the Naruto's buttocks, causing him to squeak in fright. She used it to pull herself back upright with frightening speed, meeting the Naruto's face with her own.

The other Narutos could only wince in discomfort as the lilac pony locked lips with the horrified clone. There was a long, loud, wet sucking sound reminiscent of some morbid curio being retrieved from the depths of a stuck toilet with a plunger. The unfortunate Naruto did a perfect impression of a street light, going from red to yellow to green in record speed. He was a very worrying shade of purple, eyes rolled backwards in near-catatonia, when he finally exploded into a puff of smoke.

"S-s-she's s-s-scarrier t-than big sis!" Luna squeaked in absolute fear, "R-retreat! S-sound the retreat before she does t-that, t-that...whatever that was to all of us!"

"Too hot for you, Colty?" Berry blew the smoke away.

"Whoah, that was cool!" The ramen-coloured tadpole said from the peanut gallery. "What was that she did with her lips anyway?"

"It's a special finisher move. Dad uses it all the time when he's fighting with mom." Sweetie Belle said, darkly. "She always stops shouting and he always wins."

"Lame. Real ponies let their hooves do the talking. Like Rainbow." Scootaloo huffed.

"Yeah, that worked well for her." The ramen-coloured tadpole pointed a hoof at the downed Rainbow, still twitching on the ground.

"She moves too much." One Naruto said.

"No, rather, I can't tell what she's doing." Another Naruto said, "I've never seen anyone move like that before. It's almost like she's...."

"Drunk. Dead drunk." Another muttered.

"If she moves too much then just ask her not to. Ask nicely. If it doesn't work, ask harder, and harder, until they do. It's what big sis would do." Luna said, point-of-factly.

"Stop her from moving, huh." All the Narutos looked at one another before nodding as they came to the same conclusion. They all leapt into another charge, intent on throwing everything they've got at Berry.

"So much attention." Berry sighed, "It's tough being beautiful. But there's enough of Berry to go around. All at once." She stomped a hoof into the ground.

"Whoah!" All the Narutos felt a sharp burst of force under their feet launch them all into the air. "W-what j-just...?!" They all cried in unison as they sailed flailing through the air towards the waiting Berry Punch.

"It's orange buckin' season!" Berry high-kicked three of the closest Narutos in quick succession straight in his face. "No need to be that sour, Oranges." She added with a wink as all three tried to squeak through their puckered punched-in faces before exploding into bursts of smoke.

"Whoah." Her eyes widened as a sandaled foot rushed forth from the smoke straight for her face. The smoke cleared to reveal one Naruto propelled forwards by two others through the air, flying kick aimed right at Berry. Berry dropped into a splits, narrowly dodging the kick. She swayed her upper body forwards, throwing her head into a headbutt. It struck the kicking Naruto right in the fork. "Berry Punch!" She declared her move with relish.

"THAT WASN'T A PUUUUUUUUNCH!" The clone shrieked his last words before dispersing into the wind.

"Felt more like grape-buckin' than orange buckin' to be honest." Berry followed through by planting her free hoof on the ground, throwing her lower body into the air while maintaining her splits. She then spun her rearhooves like a windmill, catching the two Narutos following behind in the face. "Purple means they're ripe by the way." She said while more clone smoke erupted forth as she righted herself.

"I'll show you purple in your mirror tomorrow!" Naruto snapped as he threw out a barrage of shurikens.

"That jealous of me, huh? Yeah, once you go purple, you can never go back." Berry simply swayed back and forth drunkenly as four shurikens whizzed past her mane. "Watcha gonna throw at me next? Yer pants?" She asked with a smirk as she took another sip of Ramen. "Hooo, yeah! Throw'em at me! All them pants!" She rasped.

A pair of orange pants really did descend upon her, fluttering as it caught the updraft. "Whoah, I must be really drunk now. My wishes are starting to come true!" She threw a hoof up to swipe the pants out of the air. "Now throw me a big bag of gold!!"

"I'll do you one better!" A voice came from above. Following closely right behind the pair of pants was a freefalling pantless Naruto. "Take this!"

"I don't want those bags." Berry sighed, preparing to stagger out of the way. Her rearhooves, however, felt heavy, or, well, heavier than she'd expect for her when she's relatively sober. She looked down and found that where the shurikens from earlier were there were now four Narutos holding down her rearhooves like the most misshapen orange ball-and-iron shackles. "When did...?" She gasped. She prepared to raise her forehooves to parry the overhead attack but found her free forehoof stuck inside the pants from earlier. "Why is this thing so sticky?!" She demanded, incredulously.

"I'm gonna friendship snuggle thee!" Naruto declared, throwing his arms open wide.

"We're gonna befriend you!" Luna declared excitedly. "Bewieve it!"

"What the buck?!" Berry's eyes widened with horror for the first time. She tossed her ramen bowl out of her remaining forehoof, intent on using it to block. But it was too late. Naruto's arms were already past her defenses, quickly pinning her free forehoof against her side as he pulled her into a snuggle as friendly as a ballistic missile.

"Not done yet!" Naruto drew his head back before throwing it forwards, intent on a headbutt of epic proportions. Except he had never fought against equines before. For one thing, ponies had muzzles. He found his lips were the first to make contact with, of all things, hers.

There was an awkward silence. It quickly became very pregnant. It then gave birth to many more little awkward silences.

"That special finisher move sure is popular, huh." Sweetie Belle finally said, thoughtfully. "I had a feeling Dad had been teaching lots of other ponies."

"Hey, you think that special finisher move would work on Diamond Tiara? You know, make her stop bullyin' us?" The ramen tadpole asked aside to her friend.

"Eeeew! No way!" Sweetie Belle threw out her tongue in disgust. "You try it and let me know!"

"Yeah, okay." The ramen tadpole gave a little nod.

"What?!"

"Rainbow! The ray-matchawatsit!" The orange tadpole pointed out the freefalling ramen bowl.

"Huh, Wonderbolt-captain-wha? Huh?" Rainbow snapped out her reverie just in time to see the freefalling ramen bowl. "Oooh, got it, got it!" She dashed out to catch the bowl out of the air. She caught it with a flourish, throwing a hoof in the air in triumph. "She got it!" She declared, peering into the bowl hungrily. She was greeted by a pathetic little puddle of broth that quickly dried up right before her eyes. "...she don't got it." She whimpered, lips quivering as she fought back tears. "Oranges! There's no more ramen leeeeeeeeft!" She wailed. "Hey, Oranges! Oranges?" She looked around and found the petrified statue that was Berry and Naruto stuck together, lips locked. faces frozen in shock and horror. "Oranges, when you're done fooling around, best summon buddy here's all out of se-, I mean, ramen." She pointed out, impatiently.

"AAAAAAARGH! THE REAL ME KISSED A HOOOOOORSE!" A scream finally rang out, shaking what few birds had stubbornly clung to their trees to finally move out into the open sky and seek psychiatric help.

"I-I've....nopony has ever...kissed me outright." Berry panted as she sat on her rump, one hoof over her chest. "C-C'mon, Berry, you kiss everypony all the time, but....but....nopony has ever, um, done the kissing, uh." A big puff of steam burst forth from her ears.

"First Sasuke...now a horse..." Naruto rocked back and forth, hugging his knees, back towards everyone else.

"Hello, Oranges, that sounds tragic and cool and stuff, but we've got a ramen emergency here." Rainbow landed in front of the catatonic ninja and waved a hoof in front of his face. "Oranges? Hey, Oranges?"

"Not even ramen can help now." Naruto whispered, clutching his head. "It's over! It's all over!"

Slap

Naruto blinked, feeling his cheek stinging. He looked up, dazed, at the pony who had just struck him.

"Snap out of it." Naruto felt Rainbow's two hooves clasp firmly on his shoulders. They were surprisingly soft and squishy for hooves. "Ramen, Naruto. It's never over."

"R-Rainbow..." Naruto sniffled, eyes brimming with tears. "Y-you're right." He chuckled through his tears. "Thank you, Rainbow, for reminding me."

"Anytime." Rainbow gave him a big toothy grin. "Now, let's go get us some ramen."

"Hey, you!" They both turned to see Berry glaring over at them both. "No, not you, I don't care about you right now." She waved Rainbow aside. "You, what's your name." She demanded, pointing at Naruto.

"Uh, Naruto?" Naruto replied, intelligently.

"What's a Naruto?" She asked.

"A ninja." Naruto said, feeling an overwhelming sense of deja vu come on.

Berry eyed him critically, or about as critically as a chronic alcoholic can manage. "I have heard many badass things. But being the bastard son of a knee meeting a jaw? Now I've heard everything." She finally said. "I've played with a lot of cheats, but not one like you."

"Cheating, was it?" Naruto raised an eyebrow. "What're you whining about, you got away with a snuggle. Do you want me go kick the wine out of you?"

"Hahah, good one. Fine. Berry might not have much but I at least have my words. And I keep'em. You win, Colty. I'll follow yer rules and stuff. 'Sides, got stuff I need to make up my mind on." Berry cleared her throat a little before giving him a nod of approval. Her permanent blush may have grown just a little redder but then it may have been a trick of the sunset. "Yer decent enough...for somepony who throws their pants at mares. Speaking of." She offered the hoof still stuck in his pants. "It really is rather sticky." She added, quirking an eyebrow.

"Sticky pants. Why didn't we ever think of that?" The ramen tadpole said.

"Cause we don't wear pants." The orange tadpole muttered back.

"Why would they be sticky though?" Sweetie Belle asked.

"Sticky tags." Naruto replied simply, standing up to reveal his 'The Village Boss Is In' boxers. "Usually used for the sticky bomb tags."

"Your jacket would've been easier though." Rainbow pointed out.

"Yeah, but she did say she likes getting into people's pants. I like to go the extra mile for poetic justice's sake." Naruto grinned. He didn't want to admit that Berry gave him the idea in the first place.

"Hope you're ready to go that extra mile without your pants." Rainbow grinned.

"Oh, by the Hokage's wrinkled balls!" Naruto swore, realizing the folly in his plan.

On a completely unrelated note, somewhere someplace old man Hokage felt a random chill in his nethers.

"Hey, mare with hoof still stuck in some stranger's pants here." Berry pointed out, waving Naruto's pants like a big orange hazard flag. "And while you're at it, you can start explaining why I'm not getting piss-drunk at the Prancing Pony at this time of the day."

A relatively less uncomfortable moment later found Berry's hoof liberated from the pant trap and Naruto's relative decency restored. As far as getting Berry up to speed, however...

"I see." Berry nodded in understanding. "I didn't get a word of that." ....Berry had all the mental speed of a bottle of absinthe. The only time it picked up speed was in very intimate or very violent moments.

"I give up." Rainbow threw up her hooves. "Out of all the ponies you could've summoned here, you brought the one with cider-for-brains."

"What's not to get?" The ramen tadpole said. "Narrruto here..." She said, rolling her r's into something approaching an avalanche, "...has a test he needs to pass and cause he kinda sucks by himself he needs somepony to help him out."

"And in order to learn pony tek-nicks he needs to evolve wings or a horn. You know, him being an prim-ee-tip ancestor dine-o-sore thing. Which is why he's been trying to find a unicorn. He kinda got Sweetie Belle but she's, well, Sweetie Belle."

"Hey! What's that supposed to mean!" Sweetie Belle demanded, indignantly.

"What ramen and orange tadpole said." Naruto said.

"Applebloom!" Ramen tadpole said irritably.

"It's Scootaloo to you, dine-o-sore!" Scootaloo snapped.

"Unicorn Smarmycorn." Berry scoffed, rolling her eyes. "You don't need unicorns for that sort of thing. Berry here's got all the magic you need. Trust me."

"Really?" Rainbow raised a sceptical eyebrow. "Cause last time you said that we were all behind bars for 2 days for moonshine trafficking."

"I'll show you how to make use of good old fashioned honest earth pony magic." Berry said.

"You got me at honest." Rainbow rolled her eyes. "Really? You? Honest?"

"Yeah, all I need is a big pile of porn magazines." Berry said.

"I like where this is going already." Rainbow muttered, oozing with sarcasm.

"Easy. Leave it to me." Naruto said with a knowing grin.

"Knew I could count on you, Colty." Berry gave him a nod of approval. "For that sort of thing, anyway."

"Where are you even going to get that stuff at this hour?" Rainbow asked. "Do I even want to know?"

"I have my ways." Naruto gave them all a big grin.

A few moments, a crash course on earth pony magic and a quick raid of old man Hokage's new porn stash later....

"Hey, Berry?" Rainbow asked.

"What? Can't you see I'm busy?" Berry snapped, flipping a page through the rather questionable magazine before her. It was interestingly titled 'Icha Icha Paradise'.

"You really think this is gonna work?" Rainbow asked, pointedly, nodding at the boy sat in a meditative pose, concentrating deeply as he sat atop a large pile of porn magazines.

"I have no buckin' idea." Berry gave an non-committal shrug.

"But this was your idea to help him out." Rainbow pointed out. "What happened to harnessing 'nature magic' the 'earth pony way'?"

"You believe in all that new age hippy baloney?" Berry raised an eyebrow at Rainbow. "Huh, no wonder you hang around Pinkie."

"Then, why are you having him try it out?" Rainbow asked.

"Cause it's fun, duh." Berry shrugged again.

"And why all the porn mags?" Rainbow asked, throwing a hoof out to push Scootaloo back from her latest attempt at sneaking out towards the pile of human porn magazines.

"Cause I wanna see what flies as porn around here." Berry shrugged. "Whoah, look at those ears."

"You mean earth ponies don't need porn mags to harness their magic?" Rainbow blinked.

"Eh, there's the odd occasion." Berry said. "But strictly speaking? I read'em for the plot."

"I need to have a word with AJ about all those errands. She's never been a very good liar." Rainbow muttered. "By the way, Berry."

"Yeah?"

"Is he supposed to actually grow a horn?"

"Probably a side effect from all the porn magazines. It can do that to the stallions." Berry said without looking up from her magazine.

"And, uh, is he supposed to actually grow wings?"

"Not enough porn in the world for that, I don't think" Berry said, "Can't speak for any energy drinks he may be binging on though. He's practically a walking billboard for'em after all."

"Uh, cause, he kinda has a horn and a pair of wings now. Oh, and a tail."

"Oh, buck."

You Got Porn On Your Face, Horny!

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The sunset streaming into the Hokage's lofty apartment found the wizened old man stooping over his latest secret document hiding spot. "Interesting." He murmured, stroking his goatee thoughtfully as he peered into the empty cavity that once contained his painstakingly-gathered stash of very sensitive, secret, personal and highly intimate documents. He straightened up from studying the space underneath his bed to peer up at the elder monument overlooking the city.

No, his documents were not plastered all over it as they were last time they went missing. Which begs the question; Where are they plastered this time?

He sighed as he returned to his adjoining personal office, deciding to file the matter away for later personal investigation. Tiring as it was there was still a lot of lesser matters to sort out, such as the Genin exams, the visiting dignitaries including the Kazekage himself, his old student-gone-rogue Orochimaru and his alleged reappearance during the exams, and not to mention the matter of that flash of rainbow-coloured light over the village earlier.

He needed a change of underwear after that.

It didn't help that the ANBU were similarly too busy changing their underwear to get to the site of the incident in time. By the time they arrived the site was already long deserted. At least they didn't return entirely empty-handed as they normally did. He walked over to his desk where a single sky-blue feather lay. The nature experts amongst the ANBU had confirmed it does not belong to any known species of fowl. In fact, they found it difficult to imagine it originating from anything even remotely natural, considering it was about as indestructible and sharp as steel and yet softer than goose down and lighter than air. However, unnatural as it was, none of the ANBU could trace any hints of chakra from it, precluding it from having anything to do with that mysterious flash of light, at least in their opinion.

The hokage, Sarutobi, knew otherwise. While it held no trace of any normal chakra, it was practically radiating with nature chakra, an energy very few ninja can detect, even fewer can manipulate. Only the nature sages were able to channel even a fraction of that untapped raw power, at the risk of turning themselves into avatars of nature, or, worse, stone.

His musing was interrupted by a knock on the door. He muttered something imperceptible to himself as he picked up the feather and carefully slid it into a handy storage scroll hidden in one sleeve, effectively sealing away its chakra signature.

Incredibly convenient as the scroll storage technique was, unfortunately for some inexplicable reason they would catch fire spontaneously when applied to storing his highly sensitive and very personal documents. Just his luck.

"Come in." He said as he carefully hid the scroll away deep inside his robes.

Speak of the devil, it was a nature sage. And not just any nature sage, it was his very own student, the toad sage of Mount Myoboku, Jiraiya himself. "Alright, look, old man, I can explain." The flustered giant that was Jiraiya burst into his room, sputtering his excuses. "I might have been drunk. I swear I didn't know they were serving me alcohol. Otherwise I..."

"Calm down, Jiraiya." The third sighed, sitting down behind his desk. "I only summoned you here because I thought I couldn't let the prodigal son go without seeing his old master, not after being gone for so long." He said goodnaturedly, gesturing for his former student to take a seat in the chair opposite.

"Uh, okay?" Jiraiya ventured, uncertainly, as he slid his buttocks into the proffered chair. The faux-leather squeaked rather distractingly against his rear before squelching loudly under his weight. Damn the old man and his cheap psychological warfare. But no, he would not let the chair fluster him, absolutely not.

"So, about..." The third began, with just the necessary inflection in his tone to suggest Business with a capital 'B'.

"Okay, okay, so I may have given the fourth's boy his old man's signature summoning contract, for old time's sake and all that." Jiraiya quickly broke down and blubbered his heart out. "But he sucked so I thought I'd throw him off a cliff and have a life and death situation pull out his full potential." He blurted in one breath, eyeing the third nervously. He very carefully omitted the last part - that it had worked, but whatever it was Naruto summoned flew off with him. And toads don't fly, at least not last time he checked. And there was that mysterious burst of rainbow light above the village that he was adamantly sure was not in any way related. At all. Right?

Jiraiya had braced himself for the storm, mostly by closing his eyes and praying that what he couldn't see couldn't hurt him. But when he found himself besieged by naught but silence he finally mustered up the courage to open one eye. He was greeted by a seemingly unperturbed Hokage, eyeing him calmly over the tips of his steepled fingers. "Is he alright?" The third finally asked.

"Uh...yeeeeeeees?" Jiraiya ventured, with a touch of uncertainty. Well, the kid certainly got out of the pit of doom. And judging by the fact that there wasn't a loose giant one-tailed monster crushing everything underfoot, Naruto was probably still alive. Probably.

To his great surprise and secret hope, the old man actually broke into a slow smile. "Oh, that is alright then." He nodded, amicably.

The third didn't get to where he was, surviving 13 years under siege by Naruto's constant mischief, without making sure the tailed-beast-vessel and, more importantly, the fourth's greatest legacy, was carefully checked on at least twice a day. His last report from the ANBU had confirmed Naruto survived whatever it was Jiraiya put him through, and was so chipper in fact that he had gone and gotten himself some kind of new plush doll.

The report was lamentably poor on the details of how Naruto escaped the pit or what happened to him afterwards. However, it was rich in detail on just how cute and adorable the plush doll was. And despite that it did not, in fact, have any specifics on what the doll was, just that it was unbelievably unearthly impossibly honest-to-Danzo adorably cute.

He made a note to later have a nice long chat with the ANBU who wrote the report, callsign Horse, and discuss the many issues with smoking anything and everything he picks up off the ground, especially while on duty.

Of course, being a legendary ninja himself, he wasn't without his own means to do a little investigation of his own. He had sought out Naruto's last known location, in fact typically his only known location, Ichiraku's ramen stand. The boy was, surprisingly, not there. And, more worryingly, while both Ichiraku and his daughter recalled Naruto having a plush doll with him, neither could recall anything more than she was adorably, absolutely, earth-shatteringly ho-...cute.

Looks like whatever Horse was smoking, it's getting around, fast. He'll need to look into getting his hands on whatever it was. For investigative reasons of course.

"So, uh, we're good?" Jiraiya smiled a watery but hopeful smile.

The third was brought back to the more pressing matter - his student, Jiraiya. He gave him a bright, reassuring smile. "I suppose it could be worse. I was worried for a moment there that you were going to tell me that he had begun learning sage techniques from your toads and had turned himself into a toad in the process. Or worse, a rock." He said, calmly.

"Huh? Really?" Jiraiya allowed himself a moment of hope that he had somehow been spared one of his old mentor's legendary lectures. The last one left him waking up after a week of catatonia with a case of impotence that lasted a good 2 weeks after. "So, uh, happy days?"

"Of course not! That was the most ridiculously foolish plan I had ever heard! I'm truly disappointed in you, Jiraiya!" The third Hokage suddenly snapped, leaning forwards to shoot him one of his patented stares, once said to have sent a dragon summon running for the hills. He took a deep breath as he prepared to deliver the mother of all ball-breaking lectures. "Now, settle down and listen up! How many times have I told you, real life is not a wet dream..."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!" An earth-shatering scream of despair shook the training grounds, evicting the remaining fowl population in the surrounding woodlands into the gathering twilight along with pretty much every other woodland creature wise enough to pick up the signs of the impending apocalypse.

Rainbow raised her forehooves in what she hoped was a calming gesture. The effects, however, seemed entirely lost upon the intended recipient. "Alright, look, it's not that bad." She said, soothingly. "C'mon, Berry, work with me, tell him it's not that bad." She wisely deferred to the resident drunk's wisdom.

"You kidding me?" Berry gave a muffled giggle. "This is GREAT." She broke into peals of manic laughter. "Oh, Celestia! He's got a horn! And it's BLONDE!" She fell over backwards. "Bwahahah! Hahahah!" Her hooves kicked at the air with mirth. Said hooves tensed up as she took a deep breath of air. "*GASP* My sides! Oh, my sides!" She gasped, before resuming laughing, flailing her hooves at the air with glee.

"Berry, take this seriously!" Rainbow kicked the lilac mare in the rump in disgust.

"T-this is me serious!" Berry guffawed.

Applebloom hopped in place excitedly. "The prim-ee-tip creature is eee-volt-ing!" She cried. "Quick! We need to doe-cue-mend this so we can earn ourselves eee-volt-loo-shun scientist cutie marks!"

Scootaloo pointed a hoof at the blonde ninja. "You really want a picture of him stuck on your flanks for the rest of your life?" She asked.

"Errr...." Hesitation bloomed on Applebloom's face. "Uh, Sweetiebelle, what d'you thi-...Sweetiebelle?" The little ramen-coloured filly looked around for her comrade-in-arms. She quickly spotted her friend scooting along the ground sneakily towards the pile of unattended magazines of doubtful morality.

Meanwhile, Rainbow Dash was struggling outside her comfort zone, working to control the damage as maturely as she could. "Look at me. Trust me, Oranges. It's not that bad." She said, hooves planted firmly on Naruto's shoulders. "If anything it's an improvement."

"Not that bad? Not that bad?!" The abomination before them demanded, a manic grin plastered all over his face. "I. Have. A. Wang. On. My. Face!" He enunciated and wailed at the same time while pointing at the long, pointy protrusion poking out from his blonde hairline. It was inexplicably blonde for some reason. "Oh, gods, I look like Sissyke now!" He cried, clutching his head in panic.

"So...this Sissyke's a dickhead?" Berry panted weakly in between laughs, before receiving another sharp nudge in the ribs from Rainbow. "Hey, just sayin'."

Naruto decided to voice his frustration in the most eloquent manner he could manage. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAARGHHH!" He shrieked again.

"Hey, calm down, Oranges!" Rainbow shook the ninja by his shoulders. "Snap out of it!" She clicked her tongue in frustration before resorting to the tried-and-tested. She slapped the blonde across the face with a forehoof. It worked, in so far as it shut him up. "Look, there are worse places that thing could have grown, okay?! Worse colours too!" She said in what was on her part a Herculean effort at reassurance.

It seemed to achieve anything but reassurance. Naruto's face very quickly cycled through shock, realization, horror and panic faster than you can say sonic rainboom.

"Maybe you should start checking, Colty." Berry wheezed in between laughs, adding alcoholic napalm to the fire. "Not there." She giggled, watching as Naruto peered inside his pants with an expression somewhere between dread and hysteria. "Try your back."

"My back?" Naruto reached behind his back. Two very fluffy somethings greeted his fingertips. They even fluttered at him excitedly. "What....colour are they?" He whimpered, trepidation looming on his face.

"Pink polka dots." Berry whispered with undisguised glee.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!" Naruto resumed his regularly scheduled hysterics.

"They're fire yellow! Like your hair!" Rainbow shouted over the screaming, shooting Berry a very dirty look. "And they're wings! Pretty cool wings too, almost as cool as mine. So that's, like, the second coolest pair of wings ever. So chill, okay?"

"S-so...t-they're not pink polka dots?" Naruto ventured, hopefully, seemingly more concerned about the colour than the actual presence of his wings.

"The tail might be." Berry said with a shrug. "Care to wiggle it at us a little?"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!"

Rainbow rolled her eyes in exasperation. "Berry, shut up, while I try and think of a way to unbuck this mess you made." She snapped angrily.

"You? Think?" Berry blinked. "Rainbow? What got into you? Normally you'd be laughing your cutie mark off right about now."

"I will when I'm sure we can fix him, Berry. He's not a pony like us. We don't know what this could do to him!" Rainbow barked at Berry. "I mean, he's got wings and a horn! What if that makes him a princess?!"

"Huh, I never thought of it that way." Berry admitted, looking just a tad sheepish. "Fine. I think I know what went wrong. You see, to harness earth magic, we earth ponies mediate to draw in nature magic from the world around us."

"So kinda like pegasi magic and how we draw nature magic from the air?" Rainbow said.

"Yes, exactly." Berry nodded. "I got him to try doing just that. Now, think about it. What sort of magic's floating around us right now? It's so thick I can practically drink it." She licked her lips thoughtfully. "Buck, I could use a drink right about now."

"Pony magic." Some semblance of realization dawned on planet Rainbow. "But then, why would that turn him into a pony?" Rainbow frowned as she tried to wrap her mind around the mystery "Gah! Why are you right about all the wrong things?! Thinking and worrying's just not me! I'm not egghead enough!" She clutched her own head, face contorted with frustration. "We need somepony good at thinking and worrying." She decided.

"You thinking what I'm thinking?" Berry grinned.

"I was. Then we got you." Rainbow sighed in exasperation.

"How the horseapples did you mistake me for Twilight?" Berry blinked, incredulous. "Should I be taking offense here?"

"I tried 'strong' and 'grape purple'." Rainbow muttered, dourly.

"But you forgot 'unicorn'." Berry pointed out.

"DOH!" Rainbow rammed her face into her hooves at the obvious blunder. "Why?! So. Bucking. Obvious!"

"To be fair you probably would've gotten Berry Pinch." Berry shrugged. "Then you'd have been really bucked." She grinned at the thought of them summoning her daughter. "Well then, how about 'great and powerful'?" She suggested, innocently.

"Whoah! Nuh uh!" Rainbow shook her head quickly. "See? I'm actually thinking!" She said with a slightly crazed but gritty grin. "And thinking hurts! But you know who that would summon."

"Tsk, here I was hoping we'd be able to have some more fun." Berry muttered under her breath. "Then why not throw in 'intelligent'?" She said, a little more seriously.

"Okay, 'unicorn', 'strong', 'intelligent'." Rainbow nodded. "That's got Twilight written all over it. Hey, Oranges." She looked around at the blonde ninja. "Oranges?"

The orange ninja seemed much too absorbed in something else entirely to pay her any attention. "No, Luna, I'm not a fluffy-feathered pony princess! No! I'm not about to try shooting rainbows out of my horn!" He spoke to his best friend, Thin Air. "And my tail certainly isn't....actually, it is kinda fluffy." He settled into a quiet murmur as he stroked his brand new bushy yellow tail, complete with nine orange streaks.

"You broke him." Berry concluded, watching as Naruto gave his new tail an experimental nuzzle.

"Me?!" Rainbow threw up her hooves in exasperation.

"You hit him on the head one too many times." Berry said. "Like this." She slapped Naruto across the face with a forehoof in demonstration.

"No! It was like this!" Rainbow slapped the orange ninja the other way.

"Pretty sure it was like this." Berry demonstrated with another slap. Naruto's wings and tail twitched with each slap.

"Guys! Guys! Stop smacking me! I got it!" Naruto cried, waving his hands about as if receiving a sudden epiphany. "I figured it out. I know what's wrong." He declared, crossing his arms. "This is all a bad dream. You two are just nightmares. And in a moment I'll wake up and..."

Berry and Rainbow slapped him together in unison. His new golden wings flared, more out of surprise than pain.

Naruto sat, stunned, cheeks burning a bright red. "Okay, that hurts like buck. This isn't a dream." He conceded, surprisingly calmly. There was a moment of blessed silence before he finally took a nice big breath. "AAA-..." He was about to resume screaming hysterically when Rainbow and Berry plugged up his mouth with their forehooves.

"Okay, calm down, Oranges." Rainbow quickly said, pushing her other forehoof into Berry's mouth to keep her from opening it too. "Here's what we're going to do. You're going to summon somepony who can help you. Think 'unicorn', 'strong', 'intelligent'. Now, I'm going to remove my hoof from your mouth and you're not going to scream, you're going to do as I say. Nod if you understand."

Naruto nodded, new wings fluttering nervously.

"And Berry, you're going to shut the buck up and treat this seriously." She gave Berry a steely look to which Berry quickly nodded. "Good." She removed her forehooves.

"I..." Berry opened her mouth to speak, but the deadly look on Rainbow's face quickly shut her up again. She opted to simply sit back on her rump and grumble quietly.

"Alright. You're sure this won't somehow turn me into a pink pony princess or something? I mean, I want to lose this horn, not the other." Naruto muttered, pointing at the horn now gracing his forehead.

"Positive." Rainbow Dash said, looking a little more confident than she really felt. "In that I'm positive you won't be any less a Naruto than you were when I found you." She added, quickly. "Cutie-mark face included."

"Good enough for me." Naruto sighed. "Let's do this. Summoning technique a go go!" He declared, slamming his palm into the ground.

Sweetie Belle was just one more scoot away from reaching her target, the abandoned pile of curious books. It was just within hoof reach. She could practically smell it. One last stretch and she'd...

POMF

An explosive burst of smoke erupted over the pile of books like some perverted guardian spirit. Sweetie Belle gave a loud squeak of surprise, leaping back as the cloud of smoke threatened to consume her. "I-It w-wasn't me! Honest!" She yelped, quick to declare her innocence. "I h-haven't even done anything yet!"

There was a loud crash from somewhere within the cloud of dust. Dubious books of every variety flew out from the cloud, littering the defiling the surrounding area with every manner of the exotic and profane.

"Hey, you alright, turnip?" Naruto asked, lifting Sweetie Belle back up onto her hooves.

"U-u-uhuh." Sweetie Belle quickly flitted behind Naruto's leg, clutching onto it with her forehooves for protection. Whatever the orange creature was, it was still safer than the big scary porn-spitting cloud.

The billowing cloud of smoke slowly cleared. They held their breaths. The last of the wispy tufts disappeared into the wind to reveal....

...A mint green unicorn, its horn stuck through a particularly raunchy volume of Icha Icha Paradise. It was lying face down, muzzle buried in the pile of questionable books. Other than its fluffy cyan and white mane fluttering in the gentle twilight breeze, it showed no other signs of life.

"I swear we're hitting everything but Twilight's tree." Rainbow smacked her face with a hoof. "10 bits say we get Pinkie Pie next."

"Just....how is she intelligent?" Berry muttered to Rainbow, nodding at the mint green mare.

"Compared to you?" Rainbow smirked, "Everything is."

"Is it...dead?" Naruto asked, more worried about the pony's wellbeing than anything.

"If we're lucky." Berry muttered, darkly. "Death by porn. Rest in peace, Lyra. It's how you would've wanted to go, I'm sure."

"What is it with you and summoning corpses?" Rainbow asked Naruto pointedly.

"Wow, does that make you one of those naked-romancer things?" Scootaloo asked, excitedly. "Cause I would totally dig a zombie cutie mark!"

"Ouchies." The corpse muttered.

"Darnit. She's alive." Berry muttered in disappointment.

"Ugh, am I in heaven?" The corspe spoke, her voice muffled by the mouthful of porn. "Uh, somepony? I think I happened upon the wrong heaven entirely. I mean....Oh, wow, look at those ears." The pony's ears perked up as it seemed to notice something in one of the books open before it. "One second, this will require further study." She decided, burrowing her muzzle deeper into the cesspit of depravity.

"And you can stay there." Berry said, darkly.

"Wait? Is that...?" The corpse raised its head to look up at Berry. The sudden look of disgust in its big golden eyes suggested it quickly regretted doing so. "Alright, I am indeed in hell." She sighed.

"You're close. I can help you the rest of the way there." Berry growled.

"Heh, well, if this is hell, the kitchen here does some great food." Rainbow chuckled, stepping up to the mare. "What happened to you, Lyra?" Her expression turned into a frown, "I last heard you crossed the border. Weren't the Nightmares after you?"

"Huh?" The mint green mare's eyes suddenly shot wide open. "Nightmares where?!" She gasped, leaping up onto her hooves. "Wait, where am I?" She asked, looking around wildly, porn magazine on her horn flapping about with her head.

"Canoe-Ha village or something like that." Rainbow said.

"Hmm, I must have misfired my teleportation spell." The mare said, calming down considerably. "I was on the run from the Nightmares." She said, eyes furtively darting about, as if searching their gathering twilight for something. "You see, I found it. I found out where the Pony Summoner came from. He's actually something called a ninja from another world entirely, wherever it was Nightmare Moon was banished to one thousand years ago. Nightmare Moon must have found him and used him to come back to our world along with her army of Nightmares." She said in a low whisper. "Now, I tried to use a teleport spell to get there. To his world, I mean. The Elements of Harmony went missing after Nightmare Moon was banished, so it might have gone with her. Or so I thought. Then a Nightmare jumped me in the middle of the spell and here I am." She explained.

"Knee-In-Jaw?" Two mares and three little fillies turned their eyes towards Naruto.

"Who? What? Me?" Naruto blinked.

"Naruto, what have you done?" Rainbow smirked.

"Have you been a naughty colty?" Berry chorused.

"Hey, not everything's my fault, alright?" Naruto said, testily. "Maybe some, but not all. And giving people nightmares? That's more Sissyke's thing."

"You." The mare gave a sudden low growl, noticing Naruto for the first time where he stood behind Rainbow and Berry. "One of his kind, are you?" She demanded, her mint green horn flaring up with a blinding golden glow as she reared back onto her rearhooves. "I have a whole infestation of your kind on my lawn, all one of him, and I shall not let anymore trample my world, or my name is not Lyra Heartstrings!" She declared as four floating orbs of golden light lit up the darkness around her.

"Am I going to have to fight her too?" Naruto sighed, "Or will either of you tell her she's probably mistaken my awesome for someone else's?" He received nothing but bemused silence from the five ponies around him. "Fine." He said, cracking his knuckles. "Cause I'm all generous and awesome, I'll declare victory if I land one hit on you." He declared, pointing a finger at the mare.

"I don't think that's how it works." Scootaloo whispered aside to Applebloom.

"Ssshh, I don't think either of the know that." Applebloom whispered back.

"I can agree to those terms if you will allow me the same." The mare said, throwing out a few experimental kicks and punches. The light orbs flew around to the rhythm of her kicks and punches. "En garde!" She cried, striking a battle stance.

"I win." Naruto declared, pointing at the mare's horn.

"Eh what?" The mare's eyes flicked up to the porn magazine stuck to her horn. "Wh-wha?! My h-h-horn?! W-when d-did you...?!" She squeaked, her horn suddenly flickering out. The light orbs similarly dissolved into the darkness.

"A true ninja sees the underneath of the underneath." Naruto nodded, sagely.

"That's looooow, Colty." Berry said.

"I'd say it's time to stop digging, Oranges." Rainbow said.

"I've been ruined for marriage." The mare murmured in disbelief, falling to her knees as she clutched her horn with her forehoove. She looked like a tadpole out of water, mouth agape, eyes wide with shock.

"Huh, what?" Naruto blinked, his mind struggling to catch up.

"What's wrong with that?" Sweetie Belle asked. "Dad does that to mom all the time."

"What, ruin her for marriage?" Applebloom frowned, cocking her head to one side. "Whatever that is?"

"No, do funny stuff to her horn." Sweetie Belle said, "Say, do you think there's a cutie mark for marriage ruining?"

Rainbow stepped up to the mare's side with a somewhat bemused expression. "Don't worry, it's kind of his way of saying he wants to make friends with you." She said, soothingly. "At least, I hope it was, for my sake." She added, quietly.

"What?" Berry blinked, glancing between Rainbow and Naruto. "He did...? To you...? He put a feather...? In there...?"

"Yes, yes, he did. Now, shut up, Berry." Rainbow snapped, irritably, though her bright red blush was more than enough ammunition for Berry.

"Colty, I admire your guts, if nothing else." Berry gave Naruto a nod of approval amidst her uncontrolled giggles. "Bravo."

"Thanks, I guess?" Naruto said, numbly. "Hey, uh, Lyra was it?" He asked, kneeling down by the downed Mare. "Uh, are you alright?"

"Alright?" The mare, Lyra, murmured, staring blankly at her forehooves. "I pride myself in being a passable tactician. Here I was defeated by my sworn enemy in one decisive move before the fight even began. Not only that, I have been ruined for marriage. My dishonour is complete." Her voice was one of complete resignation.

"Well, the book stuck to your horn happens to be a porn magazine." Berry added for completeness.

"That wasn'thelpful." Rainbow shot.

"It wasn't meant to be." Berry shrugged.

Lyra slowly pulled the book off her horn with her forehooves before regarding it blankly. "Well, my dishonour is now complete-er." She concluded, eyeing the book's content. It was conveniently censored by the neat hole her horn had left in it.

"Translation; She's alright." Berry whispered aside to Naruto. "Though she can do with some laxatives."

Naruto scratched his head awkwardly. Having had little to no experience around others, he had absolutely no idea how to deal with people in general, let alone girls. Let alone those of another species entirely. But if there's one thing he knew well, it was his wish to connect to others. And it had gotten him by so far, why stop now? He reached out a hand to her. "Hey, uh, Lyra wasn't it?" He said, awkwardly. "Y'know, uh, if it means that much to you, it wasn't really your loss. That book was already on your horn from the start. It was, uh...a trick? Something like that?" Deception wasn't something he was used to, it being something that required more brain than he was used to using. But there was just something about being with people that made him, well, think more. "And, uh, as Rainbow said, all I want is to be friends with you, that's all. I have no idea what everyone's talking about with marriage and all that but I'm pretty sure that kinda stuff happens to other people."

"I see." The mare, Lyra, gave a little nod. "I will at least honour your gracious gesture by accepting it." She raised a hoof to his hand and allowed him to help her up. "Whether it was by strength of brawn or strength of wit, you landed the first strike. By our agreed terms, you won." She gave him a nod of acknowledgement, peering up at him. "And not only that, you showed great humility and grace in reaching out to me. While the fact remains that...."

Berry gave a loud grunt as she waved a hoof dismissively at Lyra. "Alright, alright, you lost, he won. He spoilt you for marriage, blah blah blah. Enough with your endless chatter already."

"Fine." Lyra gave an impassive nod. "First things first, where are..."

"Hey, you two, cut it." Rainbow suddenly waved them both into silence. "We've got company." She nodded, glaring up at the rising moon.

"Nightmares, here?" Berry suddenly tensed up, looking serious for the first time that evening. She quickly waved the little fillies behind her as she joined Rainbow in eyeing the moon warily.

"They managed to follow me here." Lyra whispered, gritting her teeth.

"What? What's going on?" Naruto asked. "It's just the moon, guys. You don't have one wherever it was you came from?"

As if answering his question, a beam of silver light shot down from the moon, lighting up a circle on the ground before them. A hole slowly carved itself into the beam of light, forming a dark, shadowy outline. It quickly shaped itself into a pitch black shadow in the shape of a pony much like Berry or Lyra. It stepped out of the beam of light as its last hoof took shape. The dark shadow wasted no time in approaching them, slowly but surely. A pair of ominous glowing white eyes opened up on what was likely its face, eyeing them all as a predator would count its prey.

The dark shadow burned around its edges, shedding wispy darkness into the air around it. The rest of it was pitch black, like a hole in reality. As it approached it reared back on its hindhooves, slamming them into the ground for support as Berry did.

"That's no tadpole." Naruto muttered. He could practically see through the convenient colour coding. All-shadows equaled bad news. "I swear I didn't summon that thing here."

The shadow crossed its forehooves.

"Wait, is that a seal?" Naruto frowned, suspicious.

The shadow pony was consumed in a burst of shadowy smoke. At least twenty more clouds of smoke erupted forth in formation all around it.

"No way." Naruto did a double-take. His eyes widened as twenty more shadow ponies filled the darkness before them. "It's the shadow clone technique." He gasped. "Why didn't I summon that badass one?"

"Trust me, Oranges, you don't want one." Rainbow said.

"Or twenty." Berry added. "What? I can actually count when I'm sober, alright?" She replied in answer to Rainbow's odd look.

"I brought it here." Lyra stepped forwards. "I'll deal with it. The rest of you, run."

"No way." Rainbow refused flatly, stepping up beside Lyra. "Nopony fights Nightmares alone."

"Nopony fights Nightmares, full stop." Berry said, stepping up to flank Lyra. "We all fight or we all retreat."

"Thank you." Lyra nodded at the other two. "We cover the fillies and slowly retreat into those woods over there. Ranged attacks only. Remember, one touch and you're done."

"Hah, no need to tell me all that." Berry grinned. "We'll send this one packin' back to the Pony Summoner in no time."

"I don't get it, but this one needs an epic smackdown, right?" Naruto said, forming a hand seal. "I've got plenty right here and I ain't taking any of it home."

"Back off, Oranges. This is our fight, not yours!" Rainbow snapped.

"Not my fight?" Naruto scoffed, stepping forwards, putting himself in between the ponies and the Nightmare. "We're buddies, remember? You help me. I'll go to hell and back for you." A burst of smoke erupted forth from him, filling the front line with an entire army of grinning blondes. "I'm the man who will surpass the hokage. That means layin' the beat-down on anyone who even dares look at my 'village' funny." The army of blondes turned to shoot the ponies their collective winning grins. "And right now, my 'village' is you guys."

Why Is That Pony 20% Cooler?!

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“Right, guys. Here’s the plan.” Naruto instructed his clone army. “We punch’em in the face. If that doesn’t work, punch’em harder. Any questions?”

One clone raised his hand. “Boss, my tail’s stuck down the front of my trousers. What do I do?”

“Unzip your pants. They won’t see that coming.” Naruto replied, “Any other stupi-...err, smart questions? No? Good. Charge!” The clone army leapt at the shadow mob to a chorus of battle cries and one pair of trousers unzipping. Naruto himself hung back to look around at his companions. “My clones will hold’em off. Get the tadpoles somewhere safe.” He said.

“Nightmares gobble you up the moment you touch’em.” Rainbow warned, “So be careful not to…”

“I don’t think he’s listening.” Lyra pointed out. Sure enough, Naruto was already running headlong to join the melee with a shrill battle cry of his own.

“I don’t think he ever listens.” Berry shrugged. One Naruto clone screamed. From the sound of his scream, he had somehow been cloned without balls. Either that or the dark pony had managed to horse-buck him in the ‘nads. “I don’t blame him. Ya can’t hear anything over that screaming.”

“That jutsu is so gay it makes Sasuke look straight!” Naruto shouted over the sound of the melee, “Punching them only makes’em barf all that creepy stuff all over you!” He could only watch as the Nightmare pony’s cloudy shadow stuff consumed his clones on contact alone, leaving behind unmoving shadowy cocoons. “That’s just so unfair. Can you guys do that?”

“I can empty bottles and stallions the moment I touch’em. Does that count?” Berry said.

“Let’s not stay to find out. Everypony, get to cover!” Lyra struck a group of nightmare clones with her light orbs, clearing the way for Berry and the fillies to retreat towards the treeline lining the training zone. “That was...easy.” She frowned at how easily her unicorn arts ripped through their defenses.

“Rainbow?” Berry looked back at the pegasus. “Come on!”

“I’m not leaving him!” Rainbow snapped. “That’s a Nightmare! It’s our problem, not his!”

“Hey, newsflash, Rainbow Dash. We ponies can’t fight Nightmares.” Lyra pointed out levelly. “You’re not going to be much help staying either.”

“But…” Rainbow bit her lip.

“Nawuto!” Luna cried out within Naruto’s mind, “Woona counts lots and lotsa Nightmawes! It’s doing the same thing you did!”

‘The same thing?’ Naruto gasped in sudden realization. “They hid half of their clones when they split! Guys, stay away from the forest!” He warned.

But it was too late. The shadows beneath the tree line suddenly came alive. More Nightmares sprang out of the darkness at the oncoming ponies. As one they all threw their forehooves out as if throwing something. Shadowy javelins lanced out through the air, aiming straight at the retreating ponies.

“No!” Berry cried, diving forwards to shield the fillies. Her eyes widened as the storm of dark javelins soared straight for her. She shut her eyes, bracing herself as she threw her forehooves protectively over the cowering fillies.

“Berry!” Lyra shouted, ‘Dammit! I should’ve known it was a trap!” She thought angrily to herself as she struggled to charge up a shield spell, praying she’d make it.

“SUMMONING TECHNIQUE!” A voice barked. There was a sudden flash. Then a burst of smoke.

All six ponies suddenly found themselves huddled together on a fading summoning circle. The cloud of smoke around them slowly cleared. “No! Oranges!” Rainbow gasped. The others followed Rainbow’s gaze. Before them was Naruto, one hand pressed to the summoning circle on the ground, the other outstretched protectively. Their eyes flicked between his pained face and the countless shadow javelins riddling his back.

They quickly pieced together what had happened; Naruto had summoned them all into one place before using his own body as a shield.

“Heh.” Naruto chuckled, bitterly. “That was totes cool.” He collapsed in a heap, shadowy miasma leaking out of the javelin tips to spread out across his body.

“Oranges!” Rainbow was about to reach out for him when Lyra held her back.

“Rainbow, you’ll only get consumed too if you touch him now!” Lyra barked, pushing Berry and the fillies into yet another retreat.

“What part of ‘I’m not leaving him’ do you not get?!” Rainbow cried, “Hay, Oranges! Get your stupid flank off the ground!” She shouted, almost pleadingly.

“You’re real loud for a toad, y’know.” Naruto chuckled, wincing as the wispy darkness wound its way around his neck before clawing at his face. “Hey, Rainbow. It wasn’t long but...I had fun.”

“You don’t get to say bucking stupid horseapples like that!” Rainbow cried, her eyes watering up. “You’re too uncool for that!”

“Rainbow, c’mon!” Lyra growled, the golden glow of her magic grasping Rainbow by the tail.

“No!” Rainbow cried, her hooves digging furrows into the ground as she resisted. “Oranges! Get up! Get the buck up before I make you! Oranges!” She shook the tears out of her eyes in time to see the Nightmare slowly approach, stepping over Naruto’s downed form. “You...get away from him!” She roared, flapping her wings menacingly. She would have run the Nightmare into the ground if it weren’t for the unicorn magic holding her back.

“Secret technique,” a voice growled, “One thousand years of misery!”

The Nightmare suddenly let out an earsplitting howl. It froze in place, its back ramrod straight as if a bar had been shoved straight up its backside.

“Hey, my face is down here, dumbass!” Naruto barked from below. Even with most of his body cocooned in a shadowy shell, he had somehow thrown himself at the Nightmare’s back with a flap of his wings, shoving his horn under its tail. He congratulated himself on not only executing Kakashi’s signature move but also improving on it. “How about you….Gaaah!” He was cut short by a mighty buck to the face. And another. And another.

“No!” He heard Rainbow cry out. “Stop it! Stop hurting him!” For some reason her voice faded further and further into the distance. He barely heard her last word. It was strange, because he could have sworn she called him by name, “Narutoooooooo!”

Naruto woke with the kind of startle sparked by that suspicion of wetness in one’s pants. He gasped as he felt his limbs thrash against water. ‘What the hell? I only drank one cup of hot cocoa last night!’ He thought frantically as he tried to assess the damage. His heart would sink if his whole body hadn’t already done a good job of doing just that. He was sitting in a pool of water at least four inches deep. “Not drinking that brand of hot cocoa again, ever!’ He swore to himself as he pulled himself to his feet.

Grim familiarity struck him as his eyes found the row of iron bars extending endlessly into the darkness above. This wasn’t his room. It was Luna’s.

He felt a sudden pang of worry for the little pony. He got beat up pretty badly. Luna could taste his ramen, so it was no stretch to imagine she might have felt all that damage too. “Luna?” He called out. Nothing but his own echoes replied. “Luna, are you okay?” He gave a worried growl as he ran up to the iron bars. “Luna? LUNA!” He dove past the bars and into her prison. “Luna, come here. I got hugs for you!” He called out, almost pleadingly. “Luna! This isn’t funny! Luna! Please, come out!” He cried in desperation, “Please! Please….be alright...”

“Even when thy life and soul art in mortal peril, thy thoughts are for thine comrades first.” A gentle but firm voice said. “Perhaps Our childish indiscretion was not so rash after all.”

“Who’s there?!” Naruto whirled about. “You know where Luna is?!”

“We art the one thou callest Luna.” Soft, slow splashes approached.

“Lies! Luna sounds like a squeaky party balloon. You sound like you need a big share of old man hokage’s fibre to get that rod out of your ass!” Naruto pointed out.

The approaching steps stopped abruptly. “Wh-why, We n-never! To say that at all, let alone to a Lady…” The voice took on an offended tone. A tall, dark figure detached itself from the shadows. A pair of weary teal green eyes glowed in the dark as the figure stepped into the dim light.

Naruto gaped. “Holy cow that’s a big ass horse!”

“D-dost thou imply that thy Princess is fat?!” The tall pony balked, her dark blue fur turning a peachy shade of purple. “H-how dare thee?!”

“Seriously, is that you, Luna?! You gained that much weight from ramen?!” he demanded in disbelief, “Fuck, sorry.”

“Truly, fate hath chosen the most indelicate ruffian to have Us sealed within,” the tall pony huffed indignantly.

“Okay, if you really are Luna, tell me, what’s the signature jutsu you used on me when we first met?” Naruto raised an eyebrow.

“What?” She frowned. “What do you...oh, no, that does not bear repeating.”

“Say it.”

“No.”

“Say it.”

“I never…”

“Say it or I will demonstrate it for you.” Naruto made ‘grabby’ motions with his fingers.

“Fine.” She finally snapped in exasperation, “T’is the Friendship Snuggle attack.” She blurted out, her face turning the shade of an exploding tomato. “Art thou satisfied yet?”

“Huh, you are Luna.” Naruto muttered. “Is ramen really that fattening?” He frowned, rubbing his tummy in search of any excess flab.

“Enough with thy noodles, no matter how sinfully delicious they are!” She barked commandingly, shaking the entire room and Naruto with it. “If thou must know…” She cleared her throat before speaking in a much more controlled tone, “....We art Luna’s true form. When We were sealed, it would appear much of Our maturity was contained along with Our power. The Nightmare’s influence appears to be weakening the seal containing Us, restoring much of our power and age.”

“So, you’re actually a granny ho-....” Naruto froze mid-question under big Luna’s frosty glare.

“Finish that question and We shall end thee.” She warned. “Enough with thy nonsense, little Naruto. While the passage of time herein is skewed to that outside, We still have little time to waste. It is important that We explain the nature of that monster thou art fighting and how thou may defeat it.” She gave Naruto a calculating look before adding, “And no, punching things in the face is not always the answer.”

“Oh, this is one of those Kakashi exposi-....exposu….explosion moments, right?” Naruto’s face lit up with conditioned familiarity. “Which means it’s gonna be one of those boring boss fights.” He muttered, flopping down cross-legged in the water. “Fine, lay it on me.”

“Thou may call it exposition if thou will. Regardless, to defeat it, thou must first understand what it is.” Luna went on. “That creature is a Nightmare, a monstrosity that was once part of Us.”

“Baaaack up a sec.” Naruto interrupted again. “You pooped out that thing?!” He frowned for a moment. “Yep, definitely no more ramen for you.”

“Save thy undoubtfully important questions for...never, little Naruto.” Luna rolled her eyes. “We art not sure why these Nightmares are running loose and attacking thee. We can only surmise that the warrior who sealed us cleaved us in twain, sealing most of the Nightmare in a separate vessel. From what We hath gathered from thy new companions thus far, said vessel, this nefarious ‘Pony Summoner’, has not only returned to Our homeland of Equestria but has also taken control of most if not all of it.”

“You...gathered all that from listening to them?” Naruto frowned. “Wow. I thought they were just being loud.”

“Why Our youthful self hath so much trust in thee is beyond Us.” Luna sighed.

“Though that’s kinda reassuring.” He suddenly chuckled, mostly to himself.

“What is?” Luna frowned at his wide grin.

“I was worried I was bothering these girls. But if your world’s got an infestation of these shady bastards then they’re all safer here.” He nodded to himself. “Yeah, I can totally make room, no problem. We can turn the living room into an extra bedroom. The food budget’s gonna be tight but I’m sure I can pick up a few E-rank missions to make ends meet, and…” He was cut short by a sudden giggle. “Hey, what’s so funny?!” He demanded, seeing her giggle into a forehoof.

“Our apologies, little Naruto,” Luna chuckled, “That was rude of Us. The genuineness of thy heart shows in thy simplicity.”

“I can’t tell whether you were complimenting or insulting me.” Naruto sulked.

“We see why Our younger self chose thee. Thou mirrors her earnest innocence, unsullied by the cynicism of wordly experience.” She nodded, mostly to herself. “Very well. We….I shall ask a boon of thee. I entrust thee with my power. With it I ask that thou do what I cannot; safeguard my little ponies, forge a better life for them, whether in our homeland or here upon these foreign shores, and...and to look after my younger self. Perhaps...perhaps with your nurture and kindness, she may...she may avoid growing up into me.”

“Duh!” he replied, much to her surprise, “I was gonna do all that anyway. But hey, if you’re gonna give me something cool like Rainbow’s lightning painboom thing, I’m totally for it.” He grinned widely at her.

“This one shall be a much…’cool-er jutsu’, as thou say.” Luna smirked, her horn lighting up with a blinding blue glow. “Behold!” She declared as the light faded just enough to reveal something in her forehooves; an octahedral box made of what looked like crystal. “The Kingdom Seed!” She released the box, allowing it to gently descend into the pool of water beneath them. The pool’s surface erupted with colour, its glow lighting up the gloom. Naruto could only gasp as a white sprout suddenly burst from the water’s surface, growing into a shrub just a head taller than he was right before his eyes.

“It looks kinda like a twig.” Naruto frowned at the shrub. “The old man’s got bonsai bigger than this.”

“Patience, little Naruto. It will grow with time, much as your Kingdom will.” Luna said. “Or perhaps your ‘clan’ in your case.”

“My clan…” Naruto murmured to himself. He totally liked the sound of that. And if this tree’s gonna give him a clan...a...a family, then he’s gonna make damn sure it’s gonna grow into the biggest, fattest tree ever. He studied the glowing white shrub closer. It seemed quite leafy, except instead of leaves it had…

“Are these...head protectors?” Naruto reached up to run a finger across one. Its gray metal surface glinted with a rainbow shine. Upon it was the leaf insignia of Konoha, but with a much more prominent spiral.

“Elements, fruits of the Divine Tree.” Luna nodded, “One for each of thy followers. These will not only protect them from Nightmares, they will allow their wearers to fight them.”

“Whoah.” Was all Naruto managed to say. “I never knew head protectors grew on trees.”

Luna could only smack her face with a hoof in reply.

“...ruto! Naruto!” a pained voice cried out for him, piercing through the murkiness clouding his head.

‘Huh, that’s Rainbow’s voice!’ His eyes flew open at the realization. “Rainbow?!”

“Oh...Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, you woke up!” She squeaked with relief, her watery eyes only inches away from his own. Dark nightmare tendrils had covered her entire body and were creeping their way across her face. “I-I thought you were gone!” She sniffled.

“Are you...seriously crying for me, Rainbow?” Naruto blinked in disbelief.

“Imma boop you so hard you’ll be eating your ramen through your nose forever.” Rainbow sniffled angrily.

“Wait a sec, how’d you get caught?” Naruto gasped, realizing his friend was slowly being consumed by the same nightmarish miasma he was. “You didn’t stick around me like an idiot, did you?” He demanded, deadpan.

“Uh, oops.” She gave him a sheepish little pony squee. “Hey, it’s your fault, okay. You were the first to propose to-....I mean...” Her voice faded into a whisper as a bright blush bloomed on her face. “...You called me your buddy. I never leave a friend behind, no matter what.”

“Heh.” Naruto couldn’t help but chuckle. “You’re a real idiot, but a cool one. So…” He broke into a wide grin, “What do you say we kick that nightmare’s ass?”

“Funny. Because I could’ve sworn you said something about kicking that nightmare’s ass.” Rainbow said deadpan, “Do you see how deep in horseapples we are right now?!” She nodded at the shadowy smoke enveloping everything but their heads.

To her confusion, the orange ninja only laughed. “You seriously gonna let this shit get in the way of your ass kicking, you wuss?” he taunted, “Fine, I guess I gotta give you a hand after all.”

“Wha…?” Rainbow blinked. She gasped as Naruto suddenly broke one of his arms free of the nightmare miasma. “Is that….your cutie mark thing?” She asked, seeing the head protector in his hand. “You’re not asking me to wear that, are you?” She demanded, flatly. The nightmare shroud encroaching on her muzzle quickly changed her mind. “Uh, slap your cutie mark on my head, whatever, as long as it works!” She leaned her forehead into the proffered head protector.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ic79GPBwvt4

A prismatic blast of light erupted across the training grounds. The nightmare clones shielded their faces against the explosive ripple of light washing over them, whipping at their manes and tails. The clones surrounding Berry, Lyra and the fillies all froze in their advance to look over their shoulders.

A pillar of rainbow light rose spiralled high into the air before turning into a fearsome dive straight at the nightmare clones. “Liiiightning…RAAAINBOOOOOOM!” The rainbow blur zoomed across the battlefield, weaving in and around the scattered clone army. Before the clones could even react, a blast of lightning ripped through them like a battlehammer. Puffs of clone smoke erupted forth everywhere int he rainbow comet’s wake. Before long only one nightmare remained at the centre of the training area.

“Whoah….” Berry gasped at the glowing lightning scorches dotting the ground around them.

Lyra recovered much faster. “That’s the original!” She shouted, pointing a forehoof at the lone nightmare.

The nightmare flapped its wings, raising itself onto its rearhooves. Its horn glowed menacingly as the rainbow blur zoomed straight for it. The nightmare’s forehooves wove a set of ninja hand-seals before slamming a hoof into the ground. Razor-sharp pillars of dark crystal erupted from the ground in the rainbow comet’s way. The rainbow wove in and out of the pillars with ridiculous ease, not losing a single iota of speed. The nightmare’s horn sparked, ready to release a barrage of magic. Except the rainbow bullet had thrown something at its horn; An orange pair of pants. The nightmare struggled to rip it off its face, only to end up wrestling against the sticky charms lining every inch of it. When it finally managed to pull the pants off its eyes, the lightning blast was already in its face.

Rainbow landed in a skidding stop, the brand new head protector on her forehead gleaming bright with every colour of the rainbow, her mane and tail trailing wisps of smoke. A blast of rainbow lightning rocked the very earth behind her, casting a deep shadow across her devious grin.

“It’s….” Berry gaped at the smoke rolling out across the decimated training area. “...it’s still alive!” She pointed a forehoof at the shadow still standing in the middle of the scorched crater. Its horn sparked to life, charging yet another spell.

“Tsk!” Lyra hopped protectively in front of the fillies once more, horn readied for a magic duel.

To their surprise, Rainbow only chuckled. “A true ninja must see the hidden within the hidden,” she said, offhoofedly.

“Secret jutsu!” A voice declared, “Friendshiiiiiip SNUUUGGLE!” The orange pair of pants suddenly erupted in a burst of smoke, returning to its true form; A fearsome orange ninja sporting the craziest grin ever. He quickly wrapped his arms around the nightmare. “I’m gonna befriend you.” He whispered in its ear. “Believe it!” Blinding prismatic light erupted from his head protector, washing the entire area with a circular wave of rainbow light.

Cunning detective work finally led the ANBU team to the scene of carnage that was the training area. Following the bright flashes of light certainly counted for cunning for this S-ranked taskforce. Unfortunately, despite all their efforts pointing and shouting at the eruptions of colour lighting up the twilight sky, they still arrived a step behind the culprits. Again.

“Looks like a lightning user.” Monkey said, examining the scorch marks on the ground. “A very powerful one.”

“Still no chakra signature.” Giraffe said. Why they had a giraffe mask was beyond them. Nobody even knew what a giraffe is.

“I found a clue!” Dog said, waving something in his hands excitedly. Everyone rushed over to take a look. It was an empty ramen bowl and a pile of very racy porn.

They quietly agreed these definitely had nothing to do with the scene of the crime before promptly smacking Dog upside the head. They still took the porn away as evidence, however. The porn would later mysteriously disappear from their ~~barracks~~ evidence locker.

“That. Was. Awesome!” Rainbow squeed. “I was like whaaam, and zap! And Booom! And I said, ‘A true ninja must see the hidden within the hidden’. And then you were all ‘snuuuuggles’! And everything exploded!”

They had all quickly retreated to the safety of a rooftop terrace, hidden by curtains of drying bedsheets. The hokage monument above them was bathed in the bright orange glow of sunset.

“Yeah, Dash, you were super cool!” The orange tadpole gushed.

“Can we be like that?!” The ramen tadpole asked.

“Yeah! Yeah!” The radish tadpole hopped up and down excitedly.

“Cutie mark crusaders, ninjas, yay!” They chorused as one.

“Eh, with a little training, you miiiiight get to be aaaaalmost as cool a ninja as me.” Rainbow chuckled, buffing her new head protector.

“Yeah, learned from the best, didn’t you?” Her partner chuckled, patting her on the withers.

“Heh, well…” She flapped her wings and rose up into the air before prodding him in the chest. “If you make it as that the best ‘hokage’ thing you just won’t shut up about then maaaaaaybe I’ll let you say that.”

“Heh, deal.” He fistbumped her forehoof.

“Hey, guys, I think she’s about to wake up.” Berry said. They all looked around at the figure lying on the protective magic circle Lyra had drawn on the ground. Naruto and Rainbow’s Elements had blown the nightmare miasma thing clean off, revealing the royal cerise pony beneath. She was tall and slender, with a long violet, rose and gold mane that went on and on.

“She’s got both a horn and wings.” Naruto pointed out. “What does that make her?” He asked, looking between Rainbow and Lyra.

“Uh, a princess?” Berry suggested. “Y’know, like you.” She pointed out Naruto’s own horn and wings.

“But I thought we’ve never had any princesses ever since the Pony Summoner took over.” Lyra frowned.

“I wonder what kinda princess she is?” The orange tadpole asked.

“Hearts?” The ramen tadpole suggested, pointing at the cerulean crystal mark on the pony’s butt.

“It’s ‘Love’.” They heard a voice say. They all looked down to find that the princess’ light purple eyes gazing up at them blearily. “Or was, once.” She added, almost bitterly. “My name was once….never mind. The Pony Summoner and ponies alike know me as the assassin, ‘Heart Breaker’.” Her gaze fell. “I….I never thought I’d be freed of the nightmare curse. I owe you all my thanks, good ponies...and…” Her eyes looked upon Naruto with suspicion.

“I’m Naruto.” Naruto introduced himself.

“A pony summoner?” The new pony frowned. “I’ll be blunt. What do you intend, summoner?”

“Uh, get dinner?” Naruto suggested, looking up at the sun disappearing behind the rooftops. “It’s getting late out.”

“Dinner? What…” She demanded, before she was interrupted by cheers from the rest of the ponies.

“Ramen! Calling it now!” Rainbow declared.

“Oooh, yeah, colty! Make it happen!” Berry whooped.

The tadpoles had no idea what was going on, but they cheered along anyway.

“What is going on?” Heart Breaker demanded, looking around as if everybody had lost their minds. “Is...dinner really as far as his schemes go?” She asked the only sane-looking pony remaining, Lyra.

“It probably is.” Lyra shrugged, “I know what you’re thinking. But I don’t think he’s anything like the Pony Summoner. He’s far too innocent for one thing. Besides, he was the one who broke your curse.” She looked at the young blonde with a faint smile.

“He is?” Heart Breaker frowned in disbelief. “He can...he can fight nightmares?”

“Both of them can.” Lyra nodded at both Naruto and Rainbow, the two laughing over Naruto’s re-eneactment of the ‘one thousand years of suffering’ jutsu.

Heart Breaker’s eyes fell upon the head protectors the two wore. “Elements? Could it be? He...he has a Divine Tree. He’s a Kingdom-Maker!”

“What the hay does all that even mean?” Lyra frowned.

“It means…” Heart Breaker gave a long, slow sigh of relief. “...Equestria finally has hope.”

“Hawah!” Naruto woke up with a sudden start, ready to smash his alarm clock. He would have, except it had somehow gone missing, along with his bed. And his bedroom. He found himself on his living room sofa, lying under a bright orange blanket. “What the hell? Why am I sleeping out here?” He frowned. His back and butt felt really stiff, as if he had been lying on a pile of rocks the whole night.

He had had a really weird dream. It seemed so vivid. He had finally gotten one of those cool summoning contracts, except for some crazy-ass reason it summoned ponies, bright pastel-coloured ponies. He couldn’t help but chuckle at the memory of that really cool winged one. ‘Rainbow Dash’, that was her name.

He idly considered how cool it'd be to have a best friend like her as he stretched. He scratched his itchy horn with his wingtip as he slowly pottered over to the window. He drew it open, allowing bright morning sunlight into his living room. Well, as much as the thick billowing black smoke trailing up into the air would allow, anyway.

‘Oh, thou awt awake, Nawuto! Woona was being a good pwincess of the night and waking thee up and stuff. But then Woona got distwac...distwacte….all drooly from that nice smell from outside.’

“Huh, probably one of the neighbours having a barbeque for breakfast. Either that or he tried to shave with a fire jutsu again, idiot.” Naruto shrugged. “Speaking of breakfast…” He started padding over towards the kitchen, mentally reviewing his instant ramen supplies for the week.

“Wait a sec.” He froze. “Luna?!” He balked. “You’re real?!”

“Yay!” Luna cheered. She probably had no idea what Naruto meant, but she cheered anyway. Because she liked cheering.

“Then…” He ran to the window and followed the billowing black smoke down to its source. Sure enough, it was his own kitchen window.

“Oranges!” The door to the living room burst open to reveal a frantic sky-blue pegasus, her rainbow mane more frazzled than any morning hair had any right to be. “It’s bad. Like, real bad. Berry’s stuck in the bathroom with no toilet paper. Lyra’s having a fight with the neighbour’s cat. And Heart Breaker tried to cook with the cutie mark crusader’s help and there’s a lot of smoke and….” She frowned at Naruto’s expression. “Hay, what’s so funny?”

“Heh.” Naruto chuckled brightly, “It's cool, Rainbow. Just thinking, y'know, it's really starting to feel like that.”

"That?" Rainbow asked, tilting her head to one side.

"Yeah." Naruto nodded, his manic grin rivaling the sun at brightening up the room. "A clan."

The End To Be Continued

Legendary Legends of the Legendary Pony Summoner

by Pen Mightier

What's A Nawuto?

Your Cutie Mark's on Your face!

Ramen! Ramen! RAMEN! WOOONAAAAVEEEEEEEERSE!

That's Not a Punch!

You Got Porn On Your Face, Horny!

Why Is That Pony 20% Cooler?!