Chapter 1 - Alone

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Chapter 1 - Alone

By: Red Angel

“Why, Anon?”

“Anon… Please…”

“You’re hurting me!”

“No, you monster! You can't do this to me!”

“Not you too, Anonymous! Not you too! I thought you were different!"

“Nooo why why? Why me!?”

“Please, stop! I know you can stop this!”

“No! Nooo! Princess, please, help me!”

“NO! STOP! BIG MAC, HELP ME!”

“Augh! OW! Anon, stop! It hurts!”

“Don't hurt me, please!”

“No! Somepony help me, please help me!”

“Don't do this! You've already ruined my life!”

“I thought we were friends!”

A scream escapes my lips as I shoot up into a sitting position. I grasp my head in my hands, trying to stop the spinning of the room caused by the sudden movement. It’s about as futile as my attempts to banish the images from my dream, the same scenarios on an endless repeat night after night. My breathing is heavy and shaky and I’m drenched in sweat, just like after every nightmare. I’ve tried to forget, but I just can’t. How could I ever forget what I’ve done, the pain I’ve caused.

Maybe some explanation is needed. I am called “Anonymous”, or just Anon for short, and I’m a human. Anonymous is not my real name, but when I arrived in the magical pony-filled world known as Equestria almost four years ago I had no memory of who I was or how I got here. I only remember bits and pieces of my world, the technology, society, media and a bunch of stupid internet memes for some reason but my own life was like a blank page. Anonymous seemed like a fitting name at the time, since that’s what I was. Seemed less cliché than calling myself John Doe at the very least.

Not knowing my past was hard, naturally, especially the first few months, but the ponies here proved to be very helpful once I got to know them and I eventually found friends, even a home in the small town of Ponyville. The name made me cringe at first, I mean, “Ponyville”? Come on. But Ponyville, and by extension Equestria, eventually grew on me and I made a life for myself here. I even found love, or so I thought.

We were taking shelter from a storm in a cave when I decided to confess my infatuation. Turned out she didn’t feel the same way. It tore me up emotionally, like everything I had built up was crumbling down around me and from my inner turmoil something took notice.

Something was waiting in the cave where we took shelter from the rain, something that had been sleeping there for a long time. I was a wreck, vulnerable both emotionally and mentally, making me an easy target and without me even noticing, this… thing claimed me. It filled me with a hunger… A wanting… A lust that would not be denied and it made me… Hurt her. I hurt her so bad. But it did not stop there, it’s perverse, sadistic lust was insatiable. It made me go after others, including my friends, and one after another I hurt them, humiliated and violated them and each time it just got more savage and brutal. Eventually I was freed from its influence, thanks to the intervention of Princess Celestia, but the damage had already been done.

They said it wasn’t my fault, that I’m not to blame and I was forgiven. But I can see it in their eyes, the way they act around me or how they avoid me. They cannot forget. I don’t blame them, how could they ever forget? I certainly can’t, even after almost a year and not for lack of trying.

I slowly rub my hands over my face, running my trembling fingers through the short, scraggly beard that’s grown over months of neglect. My hair is in a similar state, a long, dirty and frizzy mess on top of my head stretching down almost to my shoulders. I don’t care, just getting up in the morning has become a harder task with each passing day, so personal hygiene doesn’t really matter that much to me these days.

I sit here on my couch that’s served as my resting place, if you could call it rest when all you do is toss, turn and scream throughout the night until I wake up like… Well, like I am right now. The couch, along with the blanket atop of me is as drenched in sweat as I am. It’s really starting to reek.

Who am I kidding, it started doing that long ago. It’s practically a hazardous environment now. I used to have another couch, but it was lost along with most of my possessions when Applejack destroyed my old home back when I was public enemy #1. It’s alot less than I deserve, after I… After I...

A familiar feeling is rising in my gut. I throw the thin blanket off me and practically fall out of the couch, desperately grabbing for the bucket on the floor next to it as I kneel down. I just barely manage to position myself over it as I start emptying the contents of my stomach, which isn’t much really. I don’t have much of an appetite anymore so I hardly ever eat, as a result it’s mostly just bile coming up. It doesn’t stop me from heaving for a good painful minute or two before I’m just sitting there spitting and coughing, trying to get the taste of vomit out of my mouth with minimal success. This is also part of my nightly ritual now and it’s just getting worse all the time.

The images start playing in my head again. The screaming and begging. The blood and sound of breaking bone. I fall down on my ass, pulling my knees up, folding my arms over my legs and leaning my head down into them as my body begins to shiver and tears start flowing uncontrollably. My shoulders heaving with every sob. They were my friends. Why couldn’t I have been stronger? Why couldn’t I protect them from myself?

This day will likely be no better than the rest.

One month later and the nightmares have just been getting worse. They keep me awake. I hardly ever sleep now. The only respite I get is when I pass out from exhaustion and sleep deprivation, only to wake up screaming after just a few hours sleep at most.

I haven’t left my house for the past three weeks, I can’t face the ponies outside anymore. My food supplies ran out days ago and I feel no inclination to refill them. My empty stomach aches but I feel no hunger. Can’t keep any food down anyway, it just comes up again half an hour later. The last unfinished meals I’ve had lies scattered around the room, a feast for the flies buzzing around, along with empty bottles, dirty clothes and dark unidentifiable stains, whose origins I can’t recall nor want to know, littered across the floor. The stench of rotten food mixing with the vomit and sweat in the warm stale air. I couldn’t care less. I’m just sitting here, cradling myself in the far corner of the living room with my blanket wrapped around my shoulders, hiding in the shadows from the few streams of sunlight shining through the drapes covering the windows, highlighting the dust dancing in the air.

I have shut the world out, both physically and mentally, I can’t face it anymore. I’ve tried, goddammit I’ve tried. Now I just hide. I’m staying as still as I can, trying not to think of anything, just keeping my mind blank. Everything around me is nothing more than quiet background noise.

I hardly hear the knocking on my door, atleast I don’t acknowledge it, not even as it becomes louder and more frantic. Whoever it is finally notices the door isn’t even locked and just opens it, the fresh source of sunlight and warm summer air entering does nothing to improve the condition of my home. I don’t react. I’m just hoping whoever it is will just leave by their own accord.

No such luck, the soft clopping of hooves carefully making it’s way in can be heard through the daze of my mind. Just go, please, just go away. I then hear a familiar voice and the blood in my veins turn to ice.

“Anon?”

Twilight Sparkle. Figures it would be her of all ponies. She’s one of the few who would still talk to me and the first one to say she forgave me after all I’ve done. Atleast, she’s tried to, bless her heart, but I know it still haunts her. I haven’t seen her in a long time, though I haven’t seen anyone since I shut myself in my home. Why is she here? Also, she never sees me alone, she doesn’t dare to. I briefly wonder who she brought with her, but only for a second. I don’t answer her, I don’t think she’s seen me yet. I just want her to leave.

“Land sakes, Twi, what in Equestria is that smell?”

Applejack, no mistaking that dialect. A chill runs down my spine. Unlike Twilight it’s obvious she hasn’t forgotten what’s happened. She said that she did forgive me and since Applejack is a notoriously bad liar she probably meant it, at least at the time. But forgiving and forgetting are not the same things and she’s been a lot colder whenever I’m around, hardly saying a word to me. I could never bring myself to shop at her stall in the market again and visiting Sweet Apple Acres was absolutely out of the question, I’m probably the most hated being in the world by the entire Apple clan by now. Big Macintosh would probably kill me on sight if Granny Smith doesn’t beat him to the punch, and Apple Bloom… I can’t even imagine what she thinks of me now, not just for what I did to her sister but she also witnessed what I did to her teacher, Cheerilee, as well. Eventually I just stopped seeing Applejack all together.

“Ah’ve never felt anything like this. And just look at this place!” I could hear her gag and snort, trying to get the smell from her nostrils, “Smells like something died…” Everything goes silent, both set of hooves stop dead in their tracks and neither of them say a word for what feels like several minutes. The silence is almost deafening.

“Anon!” Twilight’s voice sounds more urgent now. That little unicorn has such a big heart. “Anonymous! Are you here? Are you alright?”

“Dangit Anon, just say something!”

That’s… That’s Applejack shouting. And she sounds… Worried? I feel like a lump that’s been sitting in my throat just fell right down into my stomach. It’s the first time I’ve heard her speak in anything but a voice that’s either cold or angry in a long time. I’m conflicted, at the same time it feels both great and wrong, it’s something I had hoped for before I gave up on it ever happening and now that it’s here I can’t help but feel that she shouldn’t be like this. She shouldn’t feel anything like this about me. Maybe she’s just worried that I’m gonna jump out of the shadows and take them, she couldn’t really be concerned about me, could she?

I flinch and I feel the smooth surface of a glass bottle brush against my leg. Before I can even register what I’ve done the clinging of thick glass hitting the floor reverberates through the room. Not a loud sound by any stretch of the word, but in the silence of my living room it might as well have been Pinkie Pie firing a dozen party cannons at the same time.

The girls draw a quick startled gasp while my whole body tenses up.

“Fuck…” I whisper, so quietly it probably could even be a match for Flutter… I stop that thought dead in it’s tracks. Don’t think about her. Don’t think about her. I repeat those words in my head like the mantra of a madman. Just don’t think about her. Don’t think about her. Don’t…

Another gasp. Quieter but closer draws me out of my internal rambling.

“Anon?” The pained sadness in Twilight’s voice tears at my heart. Even as I slowly lift my head my gut is turning in my stomach, my mind screaming at me not to look at her, to just go back to my private place and be by myself. Surprisingly, I don’t listen to the crazy voice in my head for once as I find myself staring into a pair of large purple eyes, belonging to an equally purple unicorn.

The moment our eyes meet, Twilight’s face shifts from worry to trepidation, if only for a fraction of a second. She tries to hide it, shifting back to that worried, sympathetic look and trying to stop herself from flinching from my gaze. But it was there, I saw it.

My eyes shift to the right, falling upon the face of an orange earth pony wearing a stetson hat. Applejack is not as subtle with her emotions, visibly going through the range of caution, shock and finally sorrow as she looks at my face.

I must look terrible. I had broken all the mirrors in my home over the course of the last months, so I haven’t gotten a good look at myself in quite some time, but the last time I did it was not a pretty sight even back then. Dark, sunken, bloodshot and puffy eyes, wild and dirty hair. I can only imagine how bad it must be now.

We just look at each other in silence for a while, none of us saying anything. Eventually it becomes too much for me as I lower my head again and turn my eyes back to the ground. My sense of guilt was already hard enough to handle without staring at two ponies I’ve wronged. I can also imagine that having my creepy ass face staring at them would be quite unnerving.

“What’s happened to you?” I swallow hard, my throat is as dry as sandpaper and I try to moisten my lips, but find I have almost no saliva in my mouth, as I think of an answer to Twilight’s question. My mind draws a blank and instead I just continue staring dumbly at the floorboards. Coherent thoughts are difficult for a sleep deprived mind, my thinking tends to be a lot less lucid these days. I shake my head and though it seems to clear the cobwebs somewhat I also become aware of an impending headache. They don’t wait any longer for my answer as Applejack now chimes in.

“Nopony’s seen y’all for weeks, Anon. What’s going on?”

I bite my lower lip slightly. “Nothing’s going on.” I am just as surprised to hear my own voice as they are. It’s hoarse, gravelly and tired. Like leather being dragged through sand. I clear my throat, making a sound like rubbing pebbles together before I continue, “I just want to be alone.”

I know that won’t be enough to convince them to leave, but I’m just so tired I don’t have the strength to argue the point. In my mind I start drifting back to more pleasant days, back to a time where I would have been overjoyed for a visit like this. A surprise visit from friends. We would just talk about what’s been going on, there would have been jokes and laughter, maybe a bit of teasing and some playful jabs at each other. Then we’d probably go out to get something to eat, a picnic or just a quick stop at a café or Sugarcube Corner. We’d talk some more and just bask in each others company until late in the evening.

Twilight is saying something to me, but her words are nothing but a mumbling mess in my ears. By the time I’m back in the present I've already missed what she was saying. I lift my head again, looking at her with a glazed, confused look through the dirty bangs of my hair.

“What?” I mumble out with a tone that matches my dumb look.

They look at each other with puzzled expressions for a second.

“I said we thought something had happened to you and then we find this place looking like this.” Twilight makes a sweeping motion with her hoof across the room before locking eyes with me again, “Something’s obviously going on.” She takes a step forward and tilts her head slightly to the side, examining my face with a worried look. “How long has it been since you last slept?”

I’m not surprised that she picked up on that, if the signs on my face weren't painfully obvious enough then my inability to focus just made it more so. I give her a small shrug.

“I’m not sure. What day is it?” Before she even has a chance to answer I raise my hand up to stop her. “Doesn't matter, I probably still wouldn't know the answer.”

Her lips form into a small frown, that was probably not what she wanted to hear. She starts looking around the room, over the clutter of trash and refuse covering the floor. I see her horn light up with magic, it’s purple glow casting a soft light in the dark room, and a spoon is suddenly hovering in front of my face. I give it the kind of ponderous look a drunkard might give, my sluggish brain trying to figure out its significance.

“Try to follow this with your eyes.” I can hear Twilight say. I give a small sigh but comply. Locking on to the utensil with my eyes.

It starts to slowly move back and forth from left to right and I follow it with my eyes just fine, in fact the only thing it does is making me feel drowsy. I’m just about to question the point of this little experiment when suddenly the spoon is no longer in my sight. My head jerks and I blink when I see something in the corner of my eye, I shift my gaze to the right and see the spoon hanging there. I stare at it dumbfounded before it starts it slow weaving from side to side once again, my eyes following it’s movement until again it seemingly disappears, only to find it floating slightly to the side of where I last saw it. This continues on, with me being unable to keep my eyes on the spoon whenever it picks up the slightest speed or I lose focus, and even a few times where Twilight stops the spoon in the air and me reacting to it half a second later, my eyes still moving along the path it was on before realizing that I’ve lost my target.

Finally, Twilight lowers the spoon, placing it on a plate on the floor with the moldy remains of what I think was once a cheese and lettuce sandwich on it. She gives me a look that’s somewhere between concerned and scolding, the kind of look a parent would give their child when they’re about to tell them off for doing something reckless and stupid.

“You need rest.” She states matter-of-factly. I simply stare back at her without expression and she has to fight not to look away, a struggle she wins, keeping that mothering look in her eyes as she silently tries to drill her words into me.

I say nothing for a while before my dry lips are drawn into a smile. I lower my head as a small chuckle starts to build up in my throat, growing louder and louder until I just throw my head back and start belly laughing. It sounds horrible and not just because of the state of my voice, even my addled brain could notice how hollow it was, sounding more like wailing then an actual laugh, more tragic than joyful. I don’t even know why I’m laughing but I just keep on going for a good five minutes before it finally dies down, leaving me wheezing and chuckling as I wipe the tears that’s formed in my eyes. Then just as suddenly as it came, the laughter and all trace of it just vanishes as I once again just look at the two ponies in front of me.

Both of them have taken a few steps back and Applejack, who had kept very silent for a while now, has a cautious look in her eyes and has placed herself slightly in front of Twilight, who is looking a bit apprehensive.

I cast my eyes down to the ground, somewhat shameful at my sudden outburst. “What I need,” I say, my exhaustion clear in my voice, “is to be left alone.” I begin to stand up, which is proving to be a struggle, I have so little strength in me, my head keeps spinning and my limbs are so stiff from sitting still for such long periods of time it’s like trying to bend dry branches, every move eliciting a loud crack. Eventually I manage to get up on my feet, the blanket falling from my shoulders into a pile on the floor, leaving me standing there in nothing but a pair of stained sweatpants.

I shake my head, further aggravating my growing headache but at least making the room spin less, before I once again turn to the girls, and I’m immediately struck silent by the looks on their faces. They are staring at me with horrified expressions, their eyes wide and their jaws hanging limply as they look over my body. It is finally Applejack that breaks the silence.

“What the hay, Anon! What happened to you?” She is clearly appalled as she points her hoof at my figure. Living here in Equestria, I had developed a pretty healthy lifestyle, I ate a lot of greens while still being able to get my hands on meat from Griffon-merchants or from fishing and helping out around town with any hard work, and the fact that I had to walk everywhere I wanted to go had done wonders to help build up my physique. At my peak I would have been a match for any pony, except some earth ponies, in a fight, something that, sadly, came in handy during my possession.

Now though, I could hardly be any more different from how I was. I am malnourished and emaciated, my ribs pretty clearly visible through my sickly pale skin. I look like a skeleton.

Twilight slowly walks out from behind Applejack, placing herself next to the cowpony. I avert my eyes down and to the side, not being able to look at the building concern in her face reach almost desperate levels as she too looks over my haggard body. She sits down on her haunches, I sneak a quick glance at her and see that her eyes are wet and and tears are starting to form in the corners of her eyes.

“Why have you done this to yourself?” Her voice is barely a whisper and breaking slightly before she swallows hard to fight back the tears threatening to start flowing.

My heart bleeds and I can feel tears of my own starting to well up in my eyes. I want to comfort her, to wipe away those tears and just tell her that everything will be okay.

But I know I can’t. I can’t do that, not anymore. Everything is not okay, it hasn’t been for a long time. I know that if I try to touch her she’ll pull away from me or Applejack will stop me, and nothing I say or do could ever win back that trust. Because I’m a monster, that’s apparently what I am now to everyone. Who cares what I want or what I wish?

My hands ball up in to fists, clenched so tightly that my nails punctures the skin of my palms, drawing blood that slowly drips between my fingers. They want nothing to do with me, because all I do is remind them of the fear they all lived in.

And now that I try to disappear they won’t just leave me alone. Something inside me snaps and I whip my head forward, glaring at the ponies in front of me with tears flowing freely from my eyes.

“Why!?” I practically scream, my voice less gravelly but even more hoarse and cracking from the crying. Twilight jumps up to her hooves and backs away, Applejack once again placing herself between us.

“Because I can’t face them anymore!” I point to the window. “The ponies out there, the fear and contempt in their eyes. Constantly reminding me of what I’ve done! None of them knowing or caring what it was like for me!” My headache is screaming in my ears at this point, but it only spurs my anger and indignation. In a way, I was just as much a victim. I did not want any of this to happen. I was not the one who did those things, I was just a tool. I had been like a gun, no choice in how I was used, just aimed in a direction and fired.

Twilight was openly weeping now, she was afraid, just like she’s always afraid of me deep down, but there were still traces of the sympathy and worry from earlier. Applejack looked like she was ready to pounce if I got too close, standing in a guarded stance, but I could see her hind legs quivering slightly and though she tried to look determined I could swear I saw something else, almost like… shame.

I stand there a while, taking deep, trembling breaths. My fists slowly relax and I hang my head, tears still falling and splashing the dirty floor.

“None of you can forget…” My voice gives out and I try to clear my throat before I continue, “because my face is the one you see in your nightmares.” I have calmed down somewhat, my anger deflating in the face of my exhaustion, it’s momentum dying out. I look up over towards the unicorn and earth pony again. Applejack has relaxed her stance and I could see the glint of a tear in her eye as she looks at me with a sorrowful expression. Twilight was still crying, but no longer looked afraid. She was sitting on her haunches again, her fore hooves covering her mouth as she quietly sobs.

“What none of you realize,” I continue, “is that I have the same nightmares too...”

I turn around. I just can’t look at them anymore. I’m tired, so tired.

“Anon,” Applejack says, trying hard not to cry, “Please, ya need help. You keep going on like this and you’ll die.”

I stand there for a minute, mulling her words over in my head.

“Good.”

My voice is cold and unfeeling as that single word escapes my lips. I meant it and they know it. The air becomes tense and cold as time seems to grind to a halt. The only sound is the soft pitter-patter of three sets of tears hitting the floor.

“Now please… Leave…”

“Anon… I…” I hear Applejack start but I cut her off.

“Please, just go…”

“Anon…” Twilight this time. I don’t give her a chance either.

“Please…”

“But…”

“Please!” I raise my voice and it seems to have gotten the message through as they both fall silent. All of us just stand there in the silence, the sun outside is close to the horizon now, it’s soon time for Celestia to give way for Lunas night. I’m sure they’re trying to find an excuse, a reason to stay, to say something, anything.

Nothing must have come to mind because eventually I hear slow, heavy hooves make their way to the door. I don’t turn around to see them leave. There are no farewells, no wishes for a ‘good night’, just the cold deafening click as the door closes.

As soon as they are gone I fall down to my hands and knees, my tears flowing even greater than before. I shudder and sob until my arms give out and I’m standing on my knees with my forehead pressed against the floor, pounding the underside of my fist into the floorboards as I scream my anguish. I don’t know for how long this is going, but eventually I am just curled up on the floor, silently sobbing as exhaustion finally overcomes my need to cry and darkness claims me.

And just like every night, the nightmares return.

Author's Notes:

Hey there!
I never thought that my first fanfic would delve into such dark subjects...

First of all I just want to point out that I'm usually very hesitant when it comes to depictions of rape in any media, partly because it's something I truly despise in real life, and though I usually have a much laxer view when it comes to works of fiction (for example; violence, especially if it's over the top, hardly fazes me simply for that fact that I know it's not real and it can be downright cartoony) I find that too many use rape simply for cheap drama.

I do however like stories that involve characters turning against each other, especially if it's through events that the characters have no control over and subsequently have to resolve the matter and repair the fractured relationship, even though it may take some time. I love the drama, the character development and the sweet pay off if their bonds heal and even becomes stronger then ever.

In Brainhorn's "Hurt" I thought the story ended just when it started getting the most interesting, so I kinda took it upon myself to make my own little spin on how I would have continued it. It started out planned as a one-shot, but I decided to split it up into multiple chapters (Have not decided on how many yet)

As this is my first story I would very much like to hear what you think. What did you like or didn't like? Will you keep reading or did it leave a foul taste in your mouth? Just say what's on your mind, just please don't spam or throw out a bunch of random silly comments. I have a sense of humor and like being silly when the mood hits me, there's just no need to go overboard with it. ;)
Also I would be very thankful for any tips or constructive criticism. I have dreamed about writing for a long time so this is also my own little experiment into writing, (Also keep in mind that English is not my first language, but if you see any grammar errors or other, please inform me) I want to learn and improve myself, so anything that you think will help will be appreciated.
I will also try to reply to your comments, but don't be surprised if it takes some time.

Thank you!

~Red Angel

Chapter 2 - No Rest For the Wicked

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Chapter 2 - No Rest For the Wicked
By: Red Angel

Black and red. Everything is black and red, shadowy shapes enacting familiar scenes against a blood-colored backdrop. I am in a cave, hunched over a small body, helplessly pinned under me, one hand around her throat, the other a fist pulling back, preparing to strike.

A flash of white. I am in a forest, grappling with a figure on the ground. She tries to fight me off, I grab one of her wings in my hands. A tomboyish voice begs me to stop.

"Anon, no, don't!" I squeeze, a loud pop echoes through the trees.

I am in a cave, my fist comes down. She let's out a small cry, almost completely buried under the booming thunder outside. I raise my fist again.

A campsite. A fire is burning, a mare lies in the dirt screaming, her horn lies in the palm of my hand. She begs me to give it to her.

"They can reattach it!", she screams. I throw the horn into the campfire.

I am in a cave, my fist comes down again.

A unicorn lies on her stomach, my knee pressing into her spine. Her long mane has been cut off, small ugly patches of hair is all that remains. I am holding a measuring tape in my hands. I place it around her neck. I put pressure on my knee as I start pulling back.

My fist strikes once more. I hear crying.

A pegasus is lying on a table, a pleading look through crossed teary eyes. She asks me; why her? She says we were friends. I lean over her, rubbing my hand slowly through her fur. She is soft. Soon she'll be screaming.

I am in a cave. My knuckles are covered in blood. She lies there, crying and bleeding. So helpless. So innocent. I will take that away. I want her, here and now. I reach down and grab at the edge of my pants.

A stallion lies tied up on the floor, his eyes are glazed and lifeless, broken by his failure to protect both his sister and now his wife. I laugh at him and turn back to the mare on the bed.

I am in a cave, there's a storm outside, a pegasus lies on the cold dirt, hiding her bruised face under her mane. I pull her closer. Placing my lips next to her ear, I whisper to her.

"I love you."

I thrash around on the floor as I wake up screaming. My body is bruised and my face is covered in equal amounts sweat and tears. I lift my upper body from the floor, the room is spinning and I feel sick to my core. If I had any food in my stomach I would already be lying in a pool of vomit by now.

"Damn it..." I clench my fists, the dried cuts in my bloodstained palms sting but I ignore them as I lower my head down to rest on my arm. "Fuck, fuck, fuck! Just one night. Can't I have just one goddamn night!? Please!" I scream out to nobody. I grab for the closest thing next to me, a glass bottle. In my head I imagine it as the bottle that gave me away to Twilight and Applejack yesterday, and I throw it with as much strength as I can muster. It breaks against the wall, leaving a dark stain on it and shards of glass on the floor. My show of impotent rage doing absolutely nothing to quell the phantoms that torment my mind.

My eyes widen as the stain appears to shift in front of me, its color turning into a deep red as it grows outward along the wall like tendrils of blood. I hear a buzzing, it's coming from all around me. The blood has formed a strange pattern along my wall, like gnarled roots, and is starting to spread along the other walls and the ceiling. My whole body is shaking, I can't move, only stare in abject terror. I can swear I am hearing screaming and crying from the shadows, mixing with the incessant buzzing, getting louder and louder, until it is deafening.

My head feels like it's going to split open, I grab it with my hands as I throw it back, standing on my knees as I claw at my ears and scream. My heart is pounding so hard it hurts, it's like a storm inside of me, threatening to tear me apart. My nightmares are replaying so clearly in my mind it's like I can see them in front of my eyes. I just keep on screaming as the line between reality and dream seem to blur. The room is pulsating, the dark tendrils like veins pumping blood to a heart. I squeeze my eyes shut.

"Please! Someone help me!"

Then, suddenly, all falls silent. I almost fall over from exhaustion as the building pressure finally relents. I open my eyes, scanning the room with panicked darting eyes, nothing remaining of the horrible vision except the debris from the bottle. I am breathing quickly, with trembling breaths and I'm in a cold sweat. I quickly crawl over to the closest corner, curling up and hugging the wall, waiting for whatever will come next, but nothing happens.

I start crying.

It takes more then three hours for me to calm myself down. The sun is up now. I'm still on the floor, my whole body limp as I'm leaning against the wall. This is it, my sanity is gone, I am now officially insane.

You don't say, when was the last time you were sane? I suppose it's just caught up with me at last. What the hell am I supposed to do now? There is no place to hide anymore. Before, I could stave off the nightmares, so long as I didn't sleep, but now I see them even when I'm awake. Is this going to keep happening? How long until I lose the last pieces of my mind and I'm reduced to a brain dead vegetable?

I think back to last night. I was not thinking clearly, no shit, and I regret some of the things I said. I regret shouting at them. I don't think what I said was wrong, but I didn't want to put the blame on them. They've suffered enough because of me, last thing I want is to add guilt to that suffering.

I do wonder though, if this is what my life is now, if you could call it that, then is it really worth the struggle? I've never considered just... ending it all, if so I would have done it long ago. Yet isn't that what I've been doing? Slowly killing myself through starvation and sleep deprivation. The more I think about it, the more certain I become that I gave up long ago. I straight up said so to Applejack yesterday when she pleaded for me to seek help. She said I would die otherwise. My answer? "Good."

Good.

I keep thinking of Applejack. She was so different yesterday. Well, she's been different for almost a year, but this was a different different, if that makes any sense. Nowadays whenever I think 'Applejack', I think 'resentful'. She has a right to be, even if she doesn't do it deliberately. Yesterday though... I could buy Twilight being worried for my health, despite her apprehension towards me, but I had pretty much given up on Applejack ever being able to see anything but the monster who violated her in her own barn when she looks at me. Yet she was so upset when she saw the pitiful state I'm in, she even cried a little. Maybe I really did end up guilt-tripping her. I don't dare to think she might actually be starting to truly forgive me. If I do and I'm wrong... It would probably destroy me.

But... What if I'm right?

Don't be stupid, what good is there in hoping for the impossible?

Is it really impossible though? I mean, if she really could forgive me...

Haven't I already traveled that road before? Just look where that has lead me.

Still... I miss her, I miss all of them.

Stop, just stop. Why am I sitting here, leading myself on like this and... and I'm having an argument with myself... Great... This certainly doesn't do anything to disprove the whole 'crazy' thing. I let out a long sigh and put the palm of my hand against my forehead, rubbing my temples with my thumb and fingers. Even if Applejack could forgive me, it would not change the minds of the other ponies in this town, least of all her family.

I climb up to my feet, using the wall for support. It's a struggle, but nowhere nearly as much as yesterday, the room only spins for a few seconds this time. I move over to one of the windows and part the curtains ever so slightly, just enough to look outside without anyone seeing me in the window, the light outside is blinding at first, my eyes having grown accustomed to the dark, and I have to rub my eyes to fight away the blur so I can see. The town is starting to wake up, ponies coming out of their homes, mares and stallions making their way to work, colts and fillies walking to school. A young mare wearing sweatbands is taking her daily morning exercise run around the town. An elderly stallion is hobbling his way in the direction of the park, carrying a small paper bag of bird feed in his mouth. Ponies of all shapes and sizes. coming and going from different directions to different destinations, going about their business, but with one thing in common.

Every time they pass by my house, their behavior changes, even more so this day for some reason. They make sure to never get too close, casting nervous glances, or even stop and stare with fearful eyes at my home, others doing their best to outright ignore it, scuttling by with their eyes glued to the ground. The foals gawk, their parents spurring them to keep walking, warning them to stay away. Sometimes two or more ponies will stop and whisper among themselves, pointing at my home, gossiping about the dangerous creature that lives there. And every single one of them has that look, the look of fear and disgust, the one that constantly reminds me how they never have, and never will forget. For the longest time I was just waiting for the day they would just run me out of town and get it over with, but for some reason that day never came. Maybe they are just too scared of me still, the single human in all of Equestria, who held their town in a grip of terror.

I let go of the curtain and walk away from the window. How could I hope to ever change their perception of me? To them, Anonymous the human is gone, all that's left is a monster that looks like him. Maybe it really would be better to just...

A knocking brings me out of my thoughts. I look towards my front door, my eyes trying to pierce through it, wondering who is on the other side, though before I can even guess I let that question go unanswered. I don't really care. I can't deal with this right now.

"Go away!", I shout at whoever is behind that door, my voice is still very hoarse if not more so, all my screaming during my nightmarish episode today thoroughly negating any recovery my voice could have received during my restless sleep. More knocking. Whoever it is isn't giving up. I walk over to the door, place my fingers around the lock and turn. A click signaling that the door is now locked.

It's quiet for a few seconds, then more knocking, louder and more forceful. When I still don't open, a voice, bearing a distinct southern drawl, calls out.

"Anon! Ah ain't leaving! Open the door or Ah'll keep pounding 'till it falls off its hinges!"

"Applejack?" The knocking stops.

"Yeah, it's me." She has lowered her voice, keeping it at a level where I can hear her through the door without shouting. "I..." She stammers. "Ah wanna talk to ya. Can ya let me in?" I get the sneaking suspicion that what she wants to talk about involves what happened yesterday. Why couldn't I just keep my mouth shut?

"I'd rather not..."

"Please. Ah have some things Ah need to say, then Ah'll leave, I promise, just... Just let me in... Please."

Why is she talking like that? She's almost desperate. The past year it was clear she wanted as little to do with me as possible, the only times I ever saw her was when she accompanied someone else, she would never see me of her own volition. So why the sudden change? I kinda expected her to be here to tell me off for my behavior, how I shouted at her and Twilight, bringing them both to tears. Yet... Shouldn't she sound more angry then?

"Anon?" She's so quiet I almost don't register her voice through the door. I don't know how long I've stood here debating with myself. I don't have the strength to fight, to have voices raised and either of us hurt the other. I should just insist she leave...

"Is anyone with you?"

"No."

"..."

"Give me a few seconds." I relent with a sigh. I turn around and make my way to the kitchen, it's condition comparable with the living room, a concoction of disgusting sights and smells. I walk over to the sink and turn it on, the water being the only thing in this entire house that's still clean. Placing my hands under the stream of cool water I scrub off the dried blood from my palms as best as I can, leaving only the small red cuts from my nails the only remaining evidence.

I turn off the water, walk back into the living room and scan my floor, spotting my blanket I move over to pick it up. Considering their reaction to my sickly body I should probably cover myself up. No need to traumatize anyone even more. I drape the blanket over my shoulders and pull it around my body as I make my way back to the door. I lift my hand but stop, hesitating. A last chance to back out and spare ourselves some pain.

I unlock the door, twist the handle and slowly pull it open. An orange cowpony is standing there, her head tilting upwards to meet my eyes as the door opens, a sad smile on her lightly freckled face. Beside her on the ground sits a basket, its contents covered by a piece of cloth, apple-patterned of course. She is a little dark around the eyes and have a few disheveled strands of hair springing out from her mane. Applejack has always been a morning-pony, rising early in the day, even before the sun sometimes, and she's always full of vigor, ready for a hard days work. What could make a pony as strong as her look so weary?

"Hey ya." Her greeting is halfhearted, but it's more than I've ever gotten from her since... that day. I look down at the ground, breaking our eye contact. I don't greet her back, I just turn around and walk back in to the living room, gesturing for her to follow me inside.

"Come on in. I should warn you though, the smell hasn't improved since yesterday," I stop and turn to her when I'm in the center of the room. She is carrying the basket in her mouth, her nose scrunching up as she takes a whiff of the putrid air. She didn't close the door behind her, probably to let some light and fresh air in, though it might also be to ensure a quick way out. Not that she would need it, the state I'm in, she could break me in half without trying. She sets the basket down on the floor and look around the room with a frown.

"Yeah, Ah can tell." She gives me one of those worried looks again as she scans my face. "Did ya... um... Did ya get any sleep after we left?" I absentmindedly scratch my arm, trying to think about what I should say, how truthful I should be.

"Not a lot." She tilts her head slightly.

"How much?"

"Maybe two hours, I don't know." She lowers her eyes, a hint of sadness visible in them.

"Why so little?" She asks. "Like Twi said, ya need rest." I shake my head.

"It's not a question of not wanting to sleep, Applejack" A half-truth, as long as the nightmares persist I don't ever want to sleep again. "It's just that... I can't."

"Nightmares?" I nod. "Bad?" I nod again and avert my eyes. I hear her sigh before she continues.

"Ah talked to a few ponies on my way here. They said they could hear ya'll scream through the night, like the gates of Tartarus itself had been opened." I look at her, surprised. So I was heard. That would explain why everyone seemed to be even more frightened by my home than usual this day. It also occurs to me that even though I was heard no one was inclined to see what was happening with me. That revelation does not come as a surprise though. I take a deep breath and once again avert my eyes. I decide not to mention that it was not the nightmares that was the cause of my screaming.

"They get pretty... Intense. I wake up drenched in cold sweat, my heart pounds like crazy, I feel sick and I just..."

"Ya just feel like ya don't dare to go back to sleep, 'cause the nightmares are just waiting." Applejack finishes my sentence with a sympathetic look on her face. My eyes dart back to her and I can only stare dumbfounded. "So ya do have the same nightmares as the rest of us." For the briefest moment I felt more understood than I have in a long time.

We look at each other, then to the floor. An awkward silence descends on the room as we just stand there for a while. She lightly kicks one of her front hooves around, slightly scraping at the floorboards, her ears laid back against her head. I rub the back of my neck, trying to look at anything but the mare in front of me as I clear my throat.

"Listen, A..." I almost call her by her nickname, 'AJ', but stop myself. I lost that privilege long ago. "Applejack, about yesterday..."

"Wait." She holds up her hoof, stopping me. "Anon, before anything else Ah need to speak my mind." She gives me a determined look, steeling herself for what she was about to say. I give her a nod.

"Can we sit down?" She asks. I nod again and walk over to the small coffee table in the room and sit myself down on it. Applejack follows and sits down on the floor in front of me, but not too close, keeping a little bit of distance between us. She leans to her side and looks past me at something.

"Something wrong with the couch?" I follow her eyes and look at the furniture in question, the couch I practically have been living in, covered in sweat and who knows what else.

"You don't want to get too close to it, trust me." I turn back to her. She mouths a silent "Oh" and gives a few nods of her head. She then closes her eyes, taking a couple of deep breaths, preparing herself before she looks at me again with determination.

"Ah did not sleep much either last night. Ah've been thinking, about these past months and what ya said last night." She takes off her hat and holds it close to her chest, rubbing her hoof nervously along its brim. "Anon, ya were right. Ah said Ah forgave ya, and Ah did, Ah swear! But... Ah couldn't let go of what had happened. Every time Ah looked at ya, it was like... Ah don't know... Like Ah was back in that barn on that day again. Ah just couldn't stop thinking about what happened to me there. Ah tried to shut it out and the only way Ah could was to shut you out.

"Ah didn't even think about it, Ah just needed to put the blame on something... And Ah put it on you, because..." Her voice begins to quiver and there are tears in her eyes. "Because that's all Ah could think of whenevah Ah saw yer face. Ah just wanted it all gone, the memories, the nightmares... You... Ah've tried to be strong, Ah've always taken care of ma'self, tried to deal with mah own problems, but evah since that day, whenever Ah talk to other ponies Ah could see it in their eyes, Ah was a victim... Ah hated it... Even today, when Ah heard about the ruckus ya'll had been making, Ah asked why nopony bothered to check in on ya and they just looked at me like Ah was crazy. They were scared, yes, but Ah think they were more surprised that Ah was worried about ya... Like it was insane of me to be, because Ah was one of yer 'victims'." She sighs and lowers her head, the tears in her eyes finally breaking loose and starting to drip down her face.

"Except Ah've realized that Ah wasn't. Ah wasn't your victim, but to... whatevah it was that was controlling ya. Ah knew this, but how do ya blame something ya can't even see? Back then it was so easy to hate ya for what happened, because we thought you were to blame. Then we find out that you weren't, that there was more going on then we knew. Suddenly it got so complicated, Ah couldn't understand where you ended and 'it' began. It wasn't you doing those things and yet it was, it is so unfair to ya, Ah know, but it was you, but it wasn't and... Dang it, Ah'm going in circles even now just thinking about it! It was all just so confusing.

"What Ah'm trying to say is; Ah knew ya really weren't to blame... But I kept doing it, without thinking, without realizing what it was doing to ya, how much it was hurting ya... How Ah was hurting ya... Because it was easier, more convenient to hide from the pain then to face it, to face you." Applejack raises her head again, remorseful eyes filled with tears looking at my face, my own eyes threatening to overflow as well.

"Anon, Ah've been a horrible friend... Ah've wronged you and Ah'm so, so sorry... All of us forgot that there was one more victim in all of this... And Ah know Ah don't deserve it but... Can ya ever forgive me?"

I don't know if my face could be better described as surprised or outright disbelieving. I just stare at her. I keep thinking that this is a dream and soon I'll wake up or it will shift in to a nightmare. Or... Maybe my hallucination never stopped, maybe I'm still just seeing things, my own mind dangling my hopes in front of me before hitting me with horrible visions once more.

This feels real though, but it can't be... Can it? I keep opening my mouth, trying to say something, only to have it close as nothing comes out. Applejack's face begins to fall when I don't answer her, averting her eyes to the side and letting out a long trembling sigh. No, you idiot! This is what you've been waiting for for so long, Maybe things can change, or maybe they cannot, but I just won't stand to see her crying anymore right now.

"Applejack..." Her teary eyes snap back to me, a barely visible glint of hope building up in them. "You have nothing to be forgiven for." My answer makes her face twist into a look of confusion and disbelief.

"Anon, ya know that ain't true!" She begins to protest, I hold up my hand to stop her. It's my time to explain.

"Applejack... It's been unbelievably hard living here since those days, it's true. To be feared and ostracized due to things outside my control, because I'm the face of those fears. But I can understand them, it's the same way I feel whenever I look at myself. Like you said, it's easier to put the blame on me then on some faceless entity we can't see. So if you think for a second that what I want is your guilt or your apologies, then you are truly mistaken." Her eyes widen a bit as her face becomes nonplussed, not sure of my meaning. I can feel a few tears slide down my cheeks. "All I ever wanted was your acceptance, to be judged for who I am and not for the actions of some demon using my face."

Applejack looks at me for a while, an expression I can only describe as a mix of surprise and sympathy as my words sink in to her. She lowers her gaze a bit, shuffling her hat around in her hooves as her face falls into a sad look.

"That will be hard for most ponies... Even for us who were yer friends... We've held on to these feelings for so long now."

"I know..."

"But that doesn't mean we should just give up!" Applejack props her hat on top of her head and stands up on all fours again, her face drawn into a serious expression. "Anon, all of us have to heal from what happened, but ya don't need to face this alone. Ah have a lot to own up to and Ah want to help you overcome this as well. It'll take time, yeah, and it'll probably hurt more before it gets better, but like mah granny used to say; "ya can't expect a wound to heal if you let it fester". Ah want to be able to let all of this go, fer real this time and fer both of our sakes." Her face softens and she looks pleadingly into my eyes. "But I want you to heal yer own wounds too."

"Applejack..." I sigh and shake my head. "Even if we could put this behind us, the rest of the ponies in this town would still be afraid of me, I told you I can't face them anymore. What guarantee do I have that anything will get better?" She gives a ponderous look to the floorboards before meeting my eyes again.

"Ah don't think life's 'bout guarantees, Anon, anything can go wrong, we've seen that. It's about doing what we can to make it work. And cooping yerself up in here ain't makin' anypony less scared of ya, they're more scared now then ever. Nopony knows what yer up to and it's got them spooked. Besides, Ah'm not saying ya should run out on the street and proclaim yer desire to make friends with everypony. Baby steps, Anon. Baby steps." A small smile forms on her lips as she looks at me with kind eyes. The hairs on my arms stand up from this unusual sight these days. I let another sigh escape me as I think about her words. So even if I seclude myself it won't make the ponies stop fearing me or at least forget about me? I'm still apprehensive about all of this. To be denied for so long just to suddenly have an opportunity practically dropped in front of me, it seems too good to be true.

I'm scared, I'm not too proud to admit.

"How?" I finally ask. Applejack's smile widens a bit. She then turns and walks over to the basket she'd brought with her.

"Well, first of all." She grabs the cloth with her teeth and pulls it off, folds it with her hooves and lays it over her back. Inside the basket is a pile of... Juice boxes? ''Sweet Apple Acres' Freshly Made Apple Juice Made from 100% fresh apples from Sweet Apple Acres'' is printed along with the picture of a big red apple on the side of all of them, along with a small plastic straw attached to it. I raise one of my eyebrows as I give her a questioning look. "It's all Ah could get mah hooves on before the stores opened!" She says defensively. I almost smile. Almost.

"So what's with the juice boxes?"

"Well, Ah stopped by the library to talk to Twilight 'bout yesterday. Turns out she hadn't followed her own advice, she'd been up all night trying to find a way to help ya." She again gives me one of those worried looks. I uncomfortably shift around a bit on the table. None of them could sleep because of me? This is not what I had wanted.

"Help me how?"

"How else does Twilight help anypony? By burying herself in books, that's how. Ah found her practically buildin' a fort out of books as she kept flippin' through them. Had to scream in her ear before she noticed me." This does draw a short chuckle out of me. Classic Twilight. "In any case, we were talking about how to help ya, and the first thing was to try and get something inside of ya." She gives a disapproving look to my starved body before continuing. "Twi said yer in no condition for solid food, so ya'll have to make do with liquid for a time, either water or fruit juice was fine so Ah went back to the farm and grabbed myself some of these." She lifts up one of the juice boxes in her hoof, grabbing it in that strange way with hooves that only the ponies themselves know how they do it.

"Twi wanted to come too, but Ah convinced her to stay and get some rest, said Ah would get it done and Ah had at least gotten a few hours of sleep, unlike her." She looks away. "Also, Ah wanted to talk to ya alone, to get those things off of mah chest."

"Applejack. That I'm not eating is a symptom, not the cause of the problem. How will juice fix me?" I eye the juice box in her hoof, I can only vaguely recall that I used to find them delicious, but the thought of food in any form still makes me cringe and my stomach to shift uncomfortably. "And I don't think your family will like the idea of you just giving these away to me." She gets a very serious expression on her face, full of resolve.

"They'll just have to deal with it. This is mah choice." Her face softens. "And Ah know this won't fix the real problem, but we won't even get the chance if ya starve to death first. Ya have to heal your body as well as yer soul."

"And how will I do that?"

"Twilight's got something planned. Ah won't pretend to understand half of what she said, but it seemed to involve a lot of talking," typical, "but it wasn't a lecture. She'll have to explain it herself when she's done figuring it out. So... What do ya say?" She gives me another soft smile, a mixture of hope and worry in her eyes.

I place my elbows against my knees, intertwining my fingers as I rest my chin on top of them. I ponder what she has said. There is a lightness in me, this is something I have hoped for before I no longer dared to, but it is also chilling, the possibility of failure and what would happen to me then is terrifying. This is a chance to make things better, but what if it's too late? Am I already too damaged? Or what if no one else wants to give me the same chance Applejack is? Or what if I just end up hurting Applejack, or anyone else again? There will be no demon to place the blame on this time, everything that happens from here on out will be on me.

Just like in a normal life, but I'm far from normal. I look down at the floor again, I can't look at her as I sigh.

"Applejack... I don't know..." My hoarse voice is pitiful and unsure. I can feel more tears escape my eyes.

"Listen, Anon." Her voice is soothing but I still can't bring myself to look at her. "Ah'm with ya in this. It's not just your scars that needs healing, nothing will change if none of us can let go of this dark cloud hanging above us. It'll be a hard and long journey, but Ah'll make ya a deal." I finally look up at her, looking into her green eyes, waiting for her to continue.

"Ah'm gonna do my damnedest to let go of these feelings, to not be a victim anymore and to, hopefully, one day be worthy of being yer friend again. But in return, Ah want you to first take care of yer body..." She starts to walk towards me, moving slowly on three legs, still balancing the juice box in her front hoof. When she's about a meter in front of me, she stops, her whole body tensing up. I feel a cold knot forming in my stomach from seeing her do this, knowing it's my presence that's causing it. She looks at me, then to the floor, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath to steel her nerves. She then looks me straight in the eye, completely fearless, and closes the gap between us with calm steps before sitting down right in front of me.

"And when Twilight is ready to offer ya her help, please, consider it." She extends her hoof, offering the juice box in it. I stare at it, then her, then back at the box with a dumbstruck expression. She's so close I'm almost touching her, but I dare not to. Even when my trembling fingers reach out and grab the juice box I make sure not to touch her hoof. I hold it close to me and look at her, a relieved smile on her face. I give the box one last look, half-expecting it to just have been a dream, before once again locking eyes with the mare in front of me.

"I can't make any promises..."

"Neither can Ah, just think about it. Alright?"

I give her a nod, which she answers with a nod of her own, a small smile on her lips again. She stands up and takes a few steps back before turning around and walking in the direction of the front door. She stops in the doorway however and looks back at me, giving a short glance at the juice box in my hand.

I look down at it, trying to remember exactly how much I used to enjoy them. As anyone can attest, anything grown and made on Sweet Apple Acres is golden, including the ponies living there it would seem. I peel of the plastic straw from the side of the carton and pierce it through the top. I lick the inside of my lips, no small amount of trepidation building inside of me. I haven't been able to keep any food down for so long and the last thing I want right now is to throw up Applejack's offering right in front of her. I lift the carton and place my lips around the edge of the straw. I mentally prepare as I take a big sip through the hollow plastic.

A cool apple-flavored fluid splashes against my tongue. It tastes sweet and... and it's delicious. My eyes almost pop out of my head, unbelieving of how I could have forgotten such an amazing taste, though it probably would have tasted better if I still didn't have trace amounts of vomit-flavor in my mouth. I quickly take another sip, followed by a third before parting my lips from the straw, in my haste a few drops escape the now free opening, missing my mouth and sadly hitting the floor. I'll mourn them later, right now I look back at the mare in my doorway. Applejack is looking at me, her smile has grown wider.

"Be careful with that, yer belly's so used to being empty ya should probably not try to drink all of them at the same time. Baby steps, Anon." She gives me a small wink and walks out, closing the door behind her. I quickly get up from the table and walk over to the window, parting the curtains. Sunlight filters in from outside as I watch Applejack walk away, eventually disappearing from view.

I walk away from the window, but I don't shut the curtains. I actually don't feel like being in the dark right now. Lifting the juice box, I take another long sip of the sweet fluid, feeling it's coolness as it slides down my throat and coming to a stop in my stomach. It's almost painful since I can now clearly feel how empty it is. I am tempted to just down the whole damn thing in one go and do the same thing with the rest, but I stop myself. If I am going to agree to Applejack's suggestion then I should pace myself. If I agree to it. I'm still a bit unsure. Could it really be so easy? Maybe easy is not the right word, but still... To have what I've wanted within reach...

I hold the juice box in front of me. Reading the name 'Sweet Apple Acres' over and over again. If she could be this brave, this willing to take a chance and try to make things right, couldn't I as well? I look at the apple logo on the carton, sliding my thumb across the red fruit. My vision suddenly goes white. There is a ringing in my ears.

I am standing on my knees in a barn, a layer of hay covers the ground like a carpet. The warm air is thick with the scent of sweat and sex. In front of me, an orange earth pony lies on her side, her legs tied together with a rope. She looks at me, tear-soaked face bearing a look of pure fear and shame. Silent pitiable whimpers make their way through the apples crammed into her mouth to silence her. I run my hand along her flank, brushing the soft fur as my fingers caress the three apples making up her cutie mark.

My hand releases its grip on the juice box, it falls to the floor, its contents spilling out on the floor through the straw, forming a small puddle. I grip my head in my hands, trying desperately to force the images from my mind as my vision returns and the ringing in my ears dies down.

I stand there, looking at the carton while the palms of my hands are pressed against my temples. Walking over to the couch, I slump down in it. I keep staring at the juice box. Is it too late? Or do I still seek help, now that I need it more then ever? Can my mind still be saved? I lean forward and bury my face in my palms. If I had any tears left, I would be crying.

I sit like that until sometime around noon, still debating with myself whether I should accept Applejack's offer of help or not, when I am alerted by a sound from the kitchen. A thump and a small voice.

"Oof!"

My head jerks up and I jump out of my couch. Is someone here? I didn't notice anyone come in. I slowly make my way over to the kitchen, making virtually no sound as I cautiously creep closer. Peering in through the doorway, I scan the room. Nothing? I'm almost ready to chalk it up as just another hallucination brought on by my mental episodes, when I hear shuffling on the other side of my dinner table. I also notice that the window beside it is open. I jump around the table, hoping to catch who- or whatever is hiding there. The intruder lets out a startled cry and falls over as I land in front of them. I stop dead in my tracks as I recognize her.

"Anon?"

A tiny orange pegasus is lying on the floor before me. Her big purple eyes looking me up and down with shock clearly written on her face. She lifts herself up from the floor, her tiny wings buzzing slightly from nervousness.

"Anon, what happened to you?" She asks me in that little raspy voice of hers as she gives me another quick look up and down my body before staring in to my eyes. I fold my arms over my chest, I did not have the patience to answer that question yet again.

"Scootaloo, what are you doing in my house?" She turns her eyes to the floor and kicks the floorboard lightly with one of her front hooves.

"I... I was worried. Nopony's seen you in a long time and I heard that you had been screaming in the middle of the night. I also heard that Applejack had been here, alone. I know she doesn't visit you anymore, at least not by herself." She looks up at me again with a small pout. "Everypony says I should keep away, but I haven't seen you in so long and... I thought maybe something was wrong with you." I shake my head slowly at her. I wish she'd listened and stayed away. Now here we are, and I'm standing here looking at one of the worst crimes I have committed. I turn my eyes away. She doesn't even realize what I've done to her.

"There's plenty wrong with me..." She'd been my friend for a long while, to her I was the cool alien from another world. She would visit me sometimes, before all of this, often to raid my fridge of any soda. One time she instead stole some of my adult beverages instead, stupid filly, trying to be an adult. That night, in her stupor, she confessed to having a crush on me, not unusual for little girls her age though I had to question her tastes. I explained to her how it just couldn't be and hoped that when she sobered up she would just forget about the whole thing. But then I... Then 'it'... The feeling of nausea is rising from my gut again.

"I... I've heard about the things you did..." Instantly, my whole body feels like it's been dipped in ice cold water. I snap my eyes back at her, she flinches and shies away but quickly straightens up again trying to look bigger and more confident but her voice stammers a bit when she continues. "But... I know it wasn't your fault! And... And that you're yourself again!"

"Scootaloo..."

"We're friends, right? Why can't I see you anymore? Is it because I stole your 'adult sodas'? I won't do it again I swear!" She falls down on her haunches, tears in her eyes. "Why did you leave me to die?" My eyes widen and I stop breathing. What is she talking about?

"Scootaloo, what do you mean?" Her teary eyes look at me quizzically, like I'm trying to make a bad joke that she doesn't understand. "How did I leave you to die?"

"You don't know?" She sounds disbelieving. The only answer I can give is through my shocked face and my stunned silence. She looks down to the floor again. "I don't remember much from that night... I just wanted to show I was a big pony. I then wake up in the middle of the night outside our clubhouse. It was so cold and my body was bruised. I was sick for weeks after that, and then I hear all these awful things about you and Apple Bloom told me what you did to Cheerilee." She sniffs as tears fall on her hooves and the floor.

"I just couldn't believe what they were saying about you. If they were, then did... did that... did you..." She swallows hard, trying not to sob but a little whimper still escapes her. She wipes her muzzle with her front hoof. I'm still standing there, frozen. I think back to that night. I carried Scootaloo to the clubhouse. In my mind I had been telling myself that I was trying to protect her, to keep her away from me. How could I have been so stupid! Was 'it' manipulating me? Trying to kill her so she wouldn't tell anyone what I did? I raise my arms, running my fingers through my hair as I grip my head in my hands. How could I not have thought about this until now? What am I?

"Did... Did, what?" My voice is almost a whisper. I can hardly breathe. Scootaloo is trembling fiercely, still trying to fight back the sobs escaping her lips.

"I- I had a strange dream that night... At least, I think it's a dream... I- it's about us... But then I started hearing these things about you and... You wouldn't... You couldn't have..." She's no longer trying to stop the sobbing, I close my eyes, waiting for the question I know is coming while she tries to collect herself, taking deep breaths to calm herself down so she can talk clearly.

"Anon... Did you... Did it happen to me too?" I lower my head and clench my closed eyes tighter. An overwhelming shame overtakes me. I feel sick... I'm disgusted by myself. What am I? What am I? When I open my eyes again I see Scootaloo staring at me, her eyes pleading with me to answer her, to tell her no, to chase all of her fears away. Something I cannot do.

"Scootaloo... Leave..." Her eyes widen, not expecting that. She stands up and starts taking a step closer. "Get out of here." I raise my voice slightly. I can't tell her, I can't tell her how she was betrayed by her friend and how she almost died in order to cover his tracks. I don't need to say anything, she's smarter than others give her credit for, and I can see the crushing truth dawning in her eyes as she understands my refusal to answer her. She slowly backs away, her body trembling as new tears start flowing down her face.

"No..." I can almost not hear her through her sobs. "No no no..."

"Stay away from me, Scootaloo... Don't ever come back here... Don't talk to me, don't even think about me. I am not your friend anymore, I don't deserve to be. There is nothing here but pain and regret. So just go..." She stops, hesitating and shaking as she openly weeps. I wait but she makes no indication of leaving.

"GO!" I scream at her loudly. She freezes up, staring at me with hurt and fearful eyes. She then quickly turns around and runs away as fast as her legs can carry her. She runs through the living room, up to the door, throws it open and disappears outside, wailing loudly all the way.

I run up to the door and slam it shut with as much strength as I can muster. I'm panting hard and fast, my whole body is shaking. Who was I fooling? How could I even for a moment believe that I could be forgiven? I should have just said no to Applejack right away. There is no coming back from this. What am I? My eyes fall upon the basket of juice boxes. My mind is a storm of anger and sorrow, turning this gift of renewed friendship into a painful mockery. I stomp over to the basket, lifting it up from the floor, I heave it with all my might straight out the window, the shrill screech of broken glass filling the room as shards of glass and crushed cartons cover the ground outside. I throw my head back and my arms out to the sides and I scream. I scream like a great beast, roaring out all my rage and anguish.

I am a monster.

I am just standing there. A whole hour has gone and I'm still just standing there in the middle of the room. I don't move, I hardly make a sound aside from my slow, deep breathing. I can hear the ponies outside through the broken window. I hear their murmurs and chattering, but can't make out what they're saying. I don't care anyway. I don't belong to the world out there. I am a freak. An abomination. A monster. In hindsight, it seems cruel that I was starting to believe otherwise. I know Applejack was just trying to help me, to become better. Well, I don't feel better. I deserve this, I am not meant to be happy I think. Let them put the blame on me, I don't care anymore, at least then I'll be good for something.

Another sound from outside catches my attention. A distant boom like thunder. A second later I hear a whizzing sound. I can't place what it is. I hear a few ponies gasp and the sound of several hooves scuttling away. The sound grows louder.

Something is coming closer. Fast.

With a loud bang my door is knocked clean of it's hinges, a piece of the wall coming loose with it, falling onto the floor with an equally loud bang, over a months worth of dust being thrown in the air, obscuring the room in a dirty mist. Something lands on the door with an audible thud. As the dust begins to settle I see the shape of a pegasus mare, wings flared aggressively and her whole body tense, ready to attack at any moment. She shakes her prismatic mane and tail to get rid of the dust still hanging in the air around her.

Rainbow Dash.

She looks around the room, her muzzle scrunched up slightly from the horrible pervasive odor. As soon as she spots me she freezes up. Her eyes are red and puffy, she has been crying. The same shocked look as the others had when they saw my current state is plastered on her face, but only for a second before she lowers herself down into attack mode. She scowls, her face seething with anger as her eyes pierce my very soul with the hate dripping out of them.

"You!" She growls. Before I can even react a blue blur crashes into my chest with such a force that the wind is almost completely knocked out of me. I lift from the floor as I sail across the room. I hear several small cracks as I feel some of my ribs cracking from the force of the pegasus as she throws me up against the wall.

She hovers there digging into my chest with her forelimbs, pinning me against the surface of the wall. Her hate-filled eyes are digging into mine, her teeth exposed in a soundless growl. The pain in my chest is so numbing I can hardly breathe, and yet I don't scream or squirm. I only stand there limply, not saying anything, just staring back at her with lifeless eyes.

"What did you do to her!?" She roars. I don't answer, I just lower my eyes. She shoves her hooves harder into me for a fraction of a second, putting pressure on my cracked ribs. I flinch and grunt meekly but otherwise don't react. "I found Scootaloo, she was crying like a madpony." Her voice is dripping with venom, no attempt is made to hide the rage inside her. "She mentioned you. Kept talking about how you couldn't have done it. Not to her." I feel one of her forelegs move and press against my throat, right bellow my chin, forcing my head up, but my eyes are still looking downward, refusing to meet hers.

"What. Did. You. Do!" Her words are nearly trembling with rage now. I finally lift my gaze and look at her. I don't say anything, but she sees it in my eyes. My shame, my self-loathing, my guilt. She pulls her head back slightly, shaking it slowly with a look of horror on her face. "No..." she whispers, "not her... Not Scootaloo..."

Her expression turns into one of unbelievable fury, far more than I've seen in any living creature. My sight flashes white as I feel a painful sting from something striking the side of my face. I can taste blood in my mouth. As I turn my head back to Rainbow, I see her pulling her hoof back before sending another strike to my face. Blood escapes my mouth and splashes unto the floor. Another strike, I feel blood running out of my nose. She is practically foaming at her mouth as she drills her glare into me.

"Weren't we enough!? Wasn't what you did to us enough!? You had to go after her!? Why her!?" I still don't say anything, even when her blows were raining down on my face I didn't utter a sound. She roars again as she spins around, pulling me along and throws me with a strength I did not know she possessed. I land on the coffee table, going straight through it and crashing unto the floor. I squirm, lying on my back. Pain shoots up from around my lower back and hip. Something is seriously wrong. I feel like I can hardly move, as I try to shuffle away from the debris of the the table while on my back. Something slams into my chest, knocking the air out of me a second time. I can feel a few more ribs cracking. I force open one of my eyes and see Rainbow standing on top of me. There is murder in her eyes as tears soak the fur on her cheeks.

She once again starts wailing blows on me. She screams while she does it, primal and wrathful, and I make no attempt to stop her. My vision is starting to get blurry when she finally stops. My face feels almost completely numb, I think there's a cut on my cheek. I can feel blood dripping along my face, as well as taste it in my mouth. I cough some more up. I try to focus my sight through a single eye, the other one too swollen to open. I look up at the furious pegasus standing on my chest. Her breathing is heavy, her eyes wide and unblinking as she glares at me, sweat pouring down her face. Her hooves are stained with blood. My blood. She raises one of them again, slowly, until it is level with her eyes, preparing to strike with more force then in any of the previous blows.

"I..." She pants, "Will.... Kill you!"

"Then... do it..." I wheeze out. I am at peace with this. If this is the end, then so be it. I lay perfectly still, just waiting for the final blow. Rainbow clenches her teeth, grinding them against each other, her jaw tensing. She shuts her eyes tight, her hoof is shaking. What is she waiting for? Just get it over with. Put an end to all of this.

Her eyes shoot open, locking on to me, her glare even more intense, her brow trembling. Yes, that's it. She clenches her jaw even tighter, a small growl building up in her throat. Now, finish it. Her growl grows into a roar as she slams her hoof down. I shut my eyes, waiting for the blow that will finally end this pain.

It never comes. I feel something whoosh passed my head, brushing slightly against me by an inch and something strikes the floor beside me hard enough that I can hear some of the floorboards actually cracking. I slowly open my eye. Rainbow is still standing over me, her hoof digging into the floor right next to my head. I look at her with an empty expression. She is panting hard, her eyes wide in horrified shock. She stumbles off of me, backing away, her whole body shaking from adrenaline and the realization of what she almost had done.

"Why..." I cough, more blood splashing on my face. "Why didn't you do it?" My voice is so weak, the blood in my mouth and my swollen lips slurring my speech.

"I... I..." I hear her stammer. I turn my head and look at her. She's still backing away, the rage that was there is all but gone, being replaced with fear and regret. I frown.

"Why couldn't you just kill me?"

She stares at me, then down at her blood-covered hooves. She falls to her haunches as she holds her hooves in front of her face. Her breathing is becoming more panicky, just shy of hyperventilating. She throws her head from side to side, looking at the destruction. The destroyed door, the small crack on one of the walls, the smashed table and finally me. A pathetic wreck on the floor, bleeding and broken. She get's up on all fours and starts backing away again. Her eyes dart around the room and to me one last time before she spins around and flies out the hole were my door used to be. A blue blur visible for not even a fraction of a second as she zips away faster than any eye can follow.

I just keep lying there on the floor. I don't even feel the pain, or maybe I'm just very good at ignoring it. A single tear escapes my one good eye. There is no forgiveness, no second chances. I am, and will always be, a monster. Everything is starting to turn black as the world around me fades. Am I dying? I don't know, I only hope that when the darkness claims me, that one way or another, there will be no nightmares.

I am wrong.

Author's Notes:

I have never been more uncomfortable about writing something than during this chapter. Brrrrr
I hope I haven't scared any of my readers away with the whole Scootaloo bit, it's something that was a part of "Hurt", and though I considered retconning it, I ultimately decided to keep it, since it would give me the motivation I needed for Rainbow Dash.

Also, I'm never making promises about release dates again
I got stuck at around the 2,000 word mark, so I had to fight through it by sitting and writing until 2 am two days in a row (both during nights where I had work in the morning) so yesterday I felt so sick that when I got home I did nothing except sleep for 12 hours.
But, at least I got through it and after that it got easier to write. And now I have a few days off from work to recover.

I don't know when the next chapter will come out, like I said "no more promises". But I will work on it as often as I can.
(Please note that "working =/= writing". A lot of time goes in to just thinking and planing too)

Also, a big "Thank you" to all of you who've liked, favorited and commented on my story so far! Seeing it all just makes it feel worthwhile!

I'll also be looking forward to seeing what you think about this one.

Until next time! Bye bye!

~Red Angel

Chapter 3 - Old Scars, New Wounds

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Chapter 3 - Old Scars, New Wounds
By: Red Angel

I am running down an endless corridor. Countless doors adorn the walls, pools of blood seeping out from under them. They shake and bang, like something is violently bashing against them, I can hear screams of pain coming from the other side. Behind me, a dark shadow is crawling along the walls, floor and ceiling of the hallway, pursuing me, growing faster and faster like dark tentacles, swallowing everything. There is a loud ringing in my ears.

I don't dare to look back at the shadows chasing me, but I can feel them, they are slowly but surely getting closer, and no matter how hard I try, I cannot outrun it. My eyes are nailed to the hallway in front of me, desperately trying to spot some end to it, an escape, a way to freedom. But the corridor just keeps going, forever and ever with no end in sight.

Something is sitting on the floor, something small. I try to make it out but it's like my eyes refuse to focus. The screaming and the slamming of the doors slowly dies down as I close in on the object. I am almost atop of it when I stop dead in my tracks, my eyes finally recognizing just what is in front of me. I pant hard, struggling to catch my breath.

A tiny pegasus filly is sitting on her haunches, facing towards me, her head hunched so far down her muzzle is almost touching the floor. Tears are running down her cheeks from tightly shut eyes hiding under a purple mane. Her shoulders are shuddering and I can hear her mumbling.

"It hurts..." she whispers, "please stop... It hurts..." She keeps repeating those two phrases.

I reach out and lift her in my arms, cradling her. Her head jerks up and she stares at me with panicky eyes, her whole body starts shaking like crazy as I see a look of pure fear overcome her. She starts to scream, loud and shrill, as she begins to twist, turn and kick around desperately.

With one last pull she slips out of my hands, turns and runs away from me down the corridor. There are more shadows in that direction, we are trapped. She is running straight towards it. I reach out my hand after her and call out, trying to stop her, but she keeps running. The darkness envelops her as she flees from me, completely vanishing in the black emptiness. I can not even hear the clopping of her hooves, she is just... Gone...

"Monster..."

A chorus of different voices whisper in perfect unison behind me. I spin around to face them. The darkness is gone, and the entire corridor with it. I am looking over an open plane, lifeless and grey, the dirt ground covered in ash, and a few trees, black and twisted, devoid of any vegetation, stick up like jagged claws from the ground, reaching towards a dark, colorless sky.

"How could you...?"

In the distance, I see familiar figures standing in a tight group. I can recognize their faces, all staring at me with judging eyes. The ponies of Ponyville, and front and center stands the ones I used to call friends. There is Twilight, Applejack, Derpy, even... Fluttershy? The yellow pegasus is drilling her eyes into me, full of accusation and sorrow, fanning the fires of my guilt, burning me mercilessly.

A chilling wind sweeps over me, and a long hum vibrates through the air, like a long, low frequency bass note that drowns out all sound, and I see it again. The darkness. It is crawling across the ground, coming from all directions, covering everything in shadows. It is moving closer and closer towards the ponies, even the sky grows darker as it draws nearer. They don't see it, their eyes are still nailed to me. I reach out and try to shout, to warn them, but nothing is heard, the powerful humming silencing my voice.

I start running, faster than I think I've ever run before. I have to reach them, before the shadows get them. They just keep standing there, their staring faces never changing, even now when I'm charging them like a madman. Somehow I manage to get to them before the darkness, though it is almost at their hooves, practically quivering with anticipation, like it's savoring this moment, drawing it out.

Fluttershy is right in front of me. I bend down and grab her, trying to shake her out of this stupor. Her eyes suddenly shoot wide open, almost to the point that I think they'll pop right out of their sockets. She throws her head back, mouth agape. She is screaming, but no sound escapes her lips, overtaken by the hum as soon as it leaves her throat. Her face contorts in pain at my touch, as her body turns grey and stiffens, before crumbling to dust in my black hands, slipping between my claws like sand. I look down at myself, my entire body is blackened and twisted, a void in the shape of some humanoid monstrosity. Black tendrils spread from my body along the ground like oil, joining the rest of the darkness as it pounces upon the ponies. It violently latches unto them, the ponies finally shaken out of their trance as they thrash and scream, before their bodies too turn to ash by the darkness. My darkness.

I scream at the dark skies, a monstrous roar, distorted and ear-shattering.

And then... Everything turns to black.

My horrified screams are cacophonous, ringing out so loudly it feels like my throat will tear itself open. I am lying on something soft, but it might as well have been hot coals as I thrash around from side to side. Something is restraining me, the skin of my wrists and ankles digging into something rough in my violent struggle. The pain racking through my body fails to penetrate the raging panic that is tearing me apart. I call out in incoherent wails, not even aware of what I am screaming with such desperation. I can feel something press down against my shoulders. Someone is talking to me, the voice slowly becoming clearer through my haze.

"... -nymous, please! You have to calm down! Your injuries..." The voice of a stallion is calling out to me, urgency in his voice. I grit my teeth tightly, hissing and grunting through them as I keep twisting and turning. The weight on my shoulders is pressing down harder, trying to stop me. "It's alright, you're safe, nothing can hurt you here! Please!" The voice shouts again, before growing calmer and more collected, "Just listen to my voice, everything will be okay, but I need you to calm down. Please, calm down." I slowly cease my thrashing, my body going stiff as my breath slows down into a pained wheezing through my still clenched teeth. "Yes, that's good. Focus on my voice. Keep breathing. Deep breaths." The voice starts taking deep controlled breaths while trying to sooth me. Almost instinctively I start mimicking it, inhaling in rhythm with him. My body eventually relaxes and goes limp, my mind finally registering the pain I'm in. I slowly open my eyes, blinking a few times to help focus my blurry vision.

The first thing I see is a white ceiling, it's not mine. I also think I'm lying in a bed, also not mine. It feels like ages since I've been in one. I had been planning to buy a new one, since my last one was lost along with my old home, but I never got around to it, eventually I just stopped caring and settled for staying on the couch. I notice movement right below my vision. Looking down I see a yellow unicorn, with a brown mane, wearing a white lab coat and with a pair of round spectacles resting on his muzzle. He is leaning over me. I recognize him, he's a doctor at the Ponyville hospital, Doctor... Stable? I think that's it. His blue eyes meet mine, he gives me a worried look before lowering his head, releasing a long sigh of relief.

He suddenly turns a little pale and stares back at my face again, holding his breath. I can see the hint of fear in his eyes. He then pulls back away from me, like I had become scalding to the touch, and stands down on the floor. There it was again, that look. The one they all gave me. He seems to collect himself remarkably well though, trying to hold on to some level of professionalism. He clears his throat and gives me an awkward smile as a silent apology. I don't respond in any way.

I look around me, moving my head makes it feel like someone's using it like a drum, I groan but still keep turning it, trying to take in my surroundings. I'm in a hospital room alright, as drab and spartan as you would expect from a hospital, a single plant in the corner vainly trying to give life to the room. On my left side I'm hooked up to a heart rate monitor, giving out small beeps at regular intervals, and on my right, an I.V. bag is pumping a clear liquid into my arm through a tube. Soft orange sunlight is shining in through the window, but from my position I can't see outside. What am I doing here?

"You had us worried there for a while." I look back at the doctor when he speaks. He only flinches slightly, I probably wouldn't even have noticed if I weren't so used to seeing it. Impressive. "Do you remember what happened to you?"

I try to think back. My head feels like it's been mashed, just thinking is like I'm trying to push a nail through my forehead. I remember Applejack, we were talking... And afterwards... Scootaloo, she came to my house... Oh god... Scootaloo... I am so sorry. How could I have hurt her... Why her...

I am pinned against the wall, cerise eyes glaring into mine. There is a pain in my chest, I taste blood, it's hard to breathe. She scowls at me, seething with rage. She screams, "Why her!?"

Rainbow... I turn my head away from the doctor and stare into the wall instead.

"I remember..." My throat is so dry and it hurts like hell, I can just barely speak above a whisper. So it didn't end, she didn't finish it. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed, but I'm also glad... For her sake. I know there wouldn't be many grieving in this town if I was gone, but murder is still murder and I'm glad Rainbow won't need to pay the price for it.

"Yes, well..." He clears his throat again. "You've been under for little over three days, luckily you were brought in fairly quickly, but there were some complications. First of all, being the only documented member of your species, we did not possess much knowledge about your physiology, fortunately Miss Sparkle could provide us with some insight thanks to the notes she had gathered about you. I believe she said they were from your "study sessions"?" I let the question hang in the air unanswered. I didn't really want to think about those times, they were not unpleasant, though Twilight could get a bit too enthusiastic about learning all she could about me. The reason I don't want to think about it is because it's just another reminder of how things used to be and can never be again, I don't need more of those.

"Secondly," he continues when he realizes I'm not going to indulge his curiosity, "your unique... incompatibility with magic did make things more problematic, we had to call in a few pegasi and earth pony doctors who were more proficient with non-magic assisted procedures."

Yeah, the thing about magic? It doesn't work on me. We never really could figure out why. Maybe it's because I'm from a place were magic does not exist, maybe all humans are immune. Since I'm the only human in this world, there really isn't any way to get a decent sample size to test that theory. My immunity is also only against magic itself though, not it's indirect effects. If a unicorn were to try and lift me from the ground telekinetically they would not be able to grasp me with their magic. However, throw a rock at me with telekinesis and it would hurt just as much as if it had been thrown by hoof, if not more so. You couldn't set fire to me, but a fireball hurled at me would still burn me. Celestia understood this, thankfully. It's how she managed to stop me back then before she finally released me from that "thing's" influence. Using her magic to heat up the air around my body until I passed out, instead of directly attacking me. Brilliant, really. I suppose one would have to be in order to rule a kingdom for millennia.

I try to sit up, but I can't move either my arms or legs, something is restraining them. I squirm around a bit before the pain in my chest shoots out like electricity up my body. I flinch witch causes yet another painful jolt, this time from my lower back. My body falls limp and I pant, the tiny exertion has left me winded and I can feel a few beads of sweat forming on my forehead.

"Please, try not to exert yourself. Here..." I hear the quiet hum of magic, then feel the bed shift under me as the upper half bends upwards, lifting me slowly into a sitting position. Now that I have a clearer view of my body I can see my restraints. Leather straps are pinning my hands and legs down to the bed, preventing me from moving so much as an inch. I can catch a glimpse of my malnourished body under the covers, my upper half is bare, but I can feel the texture of some fabric on my lower body. At least I'm not naked then. Also, I think I've been washed, months of grime gone, not to mention the smell, it feels kind of strange after such a long time. My chest area looks like it's been through war though. It is covered with black bruises. There are also a few small stitches here and there.

I look over to the doctor, he is levitating the control for adjusting the bed in a blue magical aura. He sets the controller down at the edge of the bed, right next to my hand, its buttons, designed for hooves, look almost comically huge when compared to my fingers. I try one of the restraints around my wrist again, tugging lightly.

"Why am I strapped down?" The doctor has levitated a medical chart up to his face, scanning over it with his eyes. He jerks slightly when he hears my voice, pulling his attention away from the chart and turning his face towards me. He looks over the leather straps before giving me another sheepish smile.

"I'm terribly sorry, we didn't have much choice. You kept thrashing around so much you were in danger of harming yourself further. It must have been some unpleasant dreams you were having." I'm not sure if he was trying to be sarcastic with that last comment or if it was just an observation. In any case, I don't give a response. He glances back and forth between the restraints and my face, mulling something over in his head.

"If I release your bonds, will you..." He pauses, probably trying to find the right words. "Will you promise to try and be still, for the sake of your wounds?" He tries to sound sincere, maybe at some level he really is, but the look of uncertainty in his face tells another story. Even in the state I'm in now, hooked up in a hospital bed looking like I've been worked over by a loan shark, even now they're still afraid.

I lower my head and close my eyes. Do I really still seem like such a threat? I guess I was right, I can't change their view of me. I can feel my eyes water slightly, but I stop myself from crying. I don't have the energy anymore. I have cried so much it just feels like a meaningless action at this point. I can feel the sunlight from the window on my face. It makes me feel sick. I swallow hard, my sore throat stinging. I give a small, tired nod. The hum of magic once again fills the air and I can feel the straps being tugged, their grips loosening before releasing my body completely. I slowly open my eyes again. I stare distantly at my hands. It doesn't matter how many times they are cleaned, they are always dirty, stained, and will remain that way. What can I do?

What can I do...

I raise my eyes, looking at the doctor. He is just standing there, not having moved from his spot during all this time, and he keeps staring at me, like he's waiting for something. I wonder if he's already regretting taking away the restraints. There is an almost oppressive silence in the air, interrupted solely by the beeping of the heart monitor, as we just look at each other. Slowly I can see his nervousness grow. I decide to speak up and break the silence.

"So what's the damage?" He blinks a few times, looking like he's just snapped out of a daydream. He coughs awkwardly and lifts the medical chart again in his magical grip, pushing his spectacles in place with his hoof as he goes over it one more time.

"Well, for starters, you've lost a bit of blood. Luckily for you, it was not all that much, once you were brought in we managed to stabilize you fairly quickly. However, given your current physical state, a few minutes later and you might not have been so lucky. You had a few cuts, some of them pretty nasty and some had traces of splinters in them. We've cleaned them up, stitched the deeper ones and bandaged the more superficial ones. The cut on your cheek might leave a scar." I raise my hand to my face, running my fingers along the left side of it. It still feels sore, making me flinch away from my own hand. I touch the area around my cheek, more carefully this time, and eventually feel the outline of a few butterfly bandages pinching together a horizontal cut, about the length of my thumb, just below my eye.

"You've also suffered a lot of blunt trauma to the head and chest area. When you arrived you were already unconscious, we feared you might slip into a coma since we did not know if you had suffered a concussion and our efforts to rouse you failed. We could not find any signs of internal bleeding during our examination though, I guess you were really lucky." He bites his tongue and looks a bit nervously at me. It might not have been the best choice of words, considering, but I show no reaction. He clears his throat again. I get the feeling he's not usually this tactless and is annoyed with himself.

"Your left eye had some nasty swelling though, but it's pretty much gone down now. Your ribs on the other hoof had taken a serious beating, some had only a few small contusions, but you also have multiple fractures across your rib cage, some of the ribs were threatening to puncture your lungs, we had to realign them in order to minimize the risk. It was our main concern when you kept thrashing around in your sleep, hence why we had to restrain you.

"What worries me most right now though is your back. You had some pretty serious bruising along the lower back and hip area, and most of the splinters we had to clean out were also around the same area. Due to our limited knowledge about your species though, we were not exactly sure how extensive the damage was. However..." He stops and takes a deep breath, "there was some internal bleeding. Though we managed to stop it, we feared there might have been some form of damage to the nerves in your spine by the force of the impact."

A cold lump settles in my chest, my face falling into a dumbstruck expression as I stare at the unicorn in front of me, then down at my legs. Nerve damage? In my spine? That usually means... But I'm sure I can still feel my legs... Can't I? Is it just phantom pain? But... No, I'm sure I can still feel them. I take a nervous gulp and look back up at him again.

"I... I think I can still feel them... My legs, I mean..."

He finally takes a few steps closer, placing himself at the bottom of the bed. A blue shimmer surrounds the edge of the covers as they slide a bit up my legs, exposing my feet. Huh, someone cut my toenails. Idiot! Stop thinking about stupid shit like that at a time like this! I look at the doctors face as he scrutinize my feet before meeting my eyes.

"I want you to try to wiggle your toes for me." We both look at my feet again. Perspiration is forming anew on my forehead as I tremble slightly. Alright, I can do this... Come on, please let me do this... I bite my lower lip and take a deep breath. I almost don't want to try, for fear of finding out that I can't. A usually mundane muscle movement you often do without even thinking is suddenly in complete focus as my mind sends the signal towards the muscles in my feet.

There, ever so slightly, the toes on my left foot move, followed by my right toes. It was small but it was there. It was there! I try again, they move a little more this time but I'm also greeted by a jab of pain in my lower back. I grunt and flinch. Doctor Stable is writing down some notes on the medical chart before looking at my face again.

"The good news is that there seems to be no paralysis, but there is apparently still some small damage to the nerves."

"So... Will I get better?" I bite my lip again before continuing, "Will I be able to walk?" He lowers the chart, once again using his magic to move the covers back down to cover my feet. It's strange, just a few minutes ago I was kind of disappointed to find out I had survived, now I'm suddenly concerned about being able to walk. What's one more malady to add to the pile? Still... To become paralyzed atop of everything else...

"I think so." My eyes widen a bit, I had held my breath without even noticing, finally releasing it in a relieved sigh. "Since we cannot use magic to help speed up your recovery, we have looked into alchemical rehabilitation instead." Ah, good old Equestrian alchemy, it beats out regular medicine by miles, but from what I've understood from Twilight, it's a lot more complex and harder to manufacture.

"How long will it take?" He rubs his chin with his hoof, looking up at the ceiling with a ponderous look before turning back to me.

"Well, alchemy is a complex thing. The foremost experts are the zebras. Luckily, one lives in the Everfree Forest, a zebra by the name of Zecora I believe." I had heard about Zecora, though I had never gotten the chance to meet her. She is apparently a bit of a recluse. Way to call the kettle black, dickhead. "Miss Sparkle is an acquaintance of hers. Hopefully she'll lend her expertise to us. Now normally, alchemy acts fast, a broken tooth can be replaced in a matter of seconds, a broken bone mended in a few days. We are however unsure how your body will react to it. You will most likely be here for a week at least, probably longer. Though truthfully, a lot of that time will be for safety measures. Alchemy is potent, yes, but we will need to make sure it is as safe as possible before committing it to be used to heal you.

"There is also your physical state to take into consideration. You are dangerously malnourished on top of all your injuries, I have also been informed that you have been avoiding sleep, so your mental health is most likely not at its strongest. We will have to be careful. We will focus on the ribs first, regenerating bone tissue can be painful, and in your condition you might pass out, so we will take it in increments, starting slow and working our way up. Nerves though, that is a more delicate and complex prospect. I'm not going to lie, it will hurt far more than the ribs at the beginning, and it will work slower. Even after the procedure you will most likely have some difficulties walking for quite some time."

I mull over his words in my head. A lot of work for a broken man. Is it really worth the effort, all things considered? After this, I'll just go back out there, a broken shell to match my soul, out to the ponies, the staring, the judging. I turn my head and look out the window, the sun has not risen far above the horizon, it's still early in the morning. I look over the streets, remembering how I used to walk along them, different from the inhabitants, but accepted. I can see the Golden Oaks Library, Sugarcube Corner and Carousel Boutique. All of them carry nothing but painful memories that haunt my nightmares nowadays.

Something in the corner of my eye catches my attention. Next to the pole with the I.V. bag is a small table I hadn't even noticed before. On top of it stands three small bouquets of flowers in simple glass vases, there's even a little card, adorned with three balloons. I raise an eyebrow at them, it's not hard to guess who left these, it's not like I have many possible candidates. Twilight, Applejack... And Pinkie Pie... She is a lot like Twilight, in the way that they were the only ones who still talked to me and claimed to still consider me their friend. However, just like Twilight, she still fears me and refuses to see me on her own. What I've done to her, it's marked her in ways she can't forget, to this day she gets regular bouts of depression where she locks herself away for an entire day, sometimes more. I took Ponyville's Party Pony, and I took away her laughter.

Something else on the table draws my eyes even more though, a small plate lies on the flat surface, and in the center of it stands a single muffin. I can't smell it and it looks like it's gone stale. I stare at it like a simpleton. Who in the world?

"Ah yes, you've had some visitors while you were unconscious. That muffin was left by that mailmare, I can't remember her name... The grey, blond-maned one with the eye condition. I told her that even if you were awake, you were in no condition to eat solid food, least of all baked goods or pastries. Said she didn't mind, she just wanted to leave it for you. Peculiar girl, that one."

One of a kind... My eyes are glued to the muffin. Why did she...? After what I...

"Derpy..." The name is not even a whisper as it passes my dry lips almost soundlessly. I have not seen her since... Was she really here? Why? I am not sure what I'm feeling right now. A storm of different emotions are fighting inside of me. I thought she had frozen me out of her life, after how I betrayed her.

A mare lies on the floor among the splintered remains of a table, her head buried under her hooves. She is crying. "Why does this always happen to me?", she sobs before wailing loudly. "Why can't I just have a friend?"

"... -ello? Hello? Are you okay?" I am pulled back to the world by the doctors voice, my head turning quickly in his direction, looking at him distantly. He can't stop himself from instinctively taking a step back. The familiar feeling of nausea is setting in my gut again. I look down at my hands, they are clenched so tightly my knuckles have turned white. I take a few breaths and slowly ease my grip. I don't look back at the doctor.

"Thank you, doctor." My voice is heavy and tired, but I make sure to talk clearly enough for him to hear me. "If that is all I need to know, I would like to be alone now."

"Very well, before I go though; we will be needing to do something about your undernourishment, otherwise the alchemical procedure might end up doing more harm than good. Since you cannot eat solid food, we will need to start providing you with liquids and work our way to solids." Great, the thought of food is just what I need right now. My stomach feels like it just turned upside down.

"You better leave a bucket here then, I've been having difficulties keeping any food down. Don't want to make a mess of your floors." I say dryly. He doesn't answer back, he just stays quiet for a few seconds before continuing.

"Also... Miss Sparkle and some of her friends asked that they be informed should your condition change... Do you want me to contact them?" I keep staring down at the covers. Why do they keep holding on to this pretense? In my mind, I see the faces of those I used to call friends. I try to recall what I used to feel whenever I saw them, but all I get are regrets. Regrets and pain. I slowly shake my head.

"No... It's still early. Let them sleep a little longer." I'm certain they will eventually find their way here. After all this time of treating me like I don't exist, at best, they've suddenly become very busy with trying to involve themselves with my life. Too little, too late. I can feel a hint of bitterness rise inside of me but I choke it out. It's not their fault... My eyes are watering again, but once more I fight back the tears.

"Alright... Do you want me to lower the bed back down?" I shake my head again, I don't feel like sleeping anymore for a while. As I hear the clopping of his hooves slowly making their way towards the door, I look outside the window again. The rising sun is coloring the town in golden light. It looks so silent, so peaceful. I try to tell myself that the view is beautiful, but all it does is making me feel sick.

"Doctor..." I turn my head slightly in his direction, not really facing him, looking at the floor under his hooves from the corner of my eye. He has stopped just short of the door as he turns around to look at me. "Before you go, can you close the curtains a bit? The sun is in my eyes..." And I just can't look at that town right now. I hear the hum of his magic once more followed by the rattling of curtains as they are pulled to cover half of the window, keeping one part of the room illuminated by sunlight while covering my half in shadows. In my mind, it's almost poetic in a way.

"Thank you..." With that he exits through the door, closing it softly behind him before the sound of his hooves disappears down the hallway. I turn my head to the wall in front of me, staring at it as I empty my mind, blocking out the world around me like I've done so many times while locked up in my home. It's better like this, alone and empty, no pain, no ponies, no nightmares. At least for a while.

I have been sitting here for an hour or two now, just staring at the same wall. The sun has moved high enough now that the room is filled with light despite the half-covered window. I still hurt like all hell, the pain does not let my mind drift away for long before pulling me back to reality. I lick my dry lips. I should have asked the doctor for some water before he left, for once I'm actually feeling thirsty. I blame Applejack for that, that apple juice was like manna from heaven, I could go for one right now. I feel guilty for destroying those juice boxes, I just threw her gifts away like they were nothing. I am such a fuck up. Is there anything I can touch without it turning into shit?

So much for trying to empty my mind...

Something catches my attention, I hear raised voices in the hallway outside my room. I can't make out what they are saying, but I recognize all of them, except one, a deep male voice I cannot place. They sound angry, shouting at each other as they come closer and closer. My heart feels like it just got twisted into a knot, I knew this was coming, but one of those voices I did not expect to hear. Doctor Stable's voice joins in, shouting in an admonishing tone which silences the others, all I could make out was something about disturbing the patients.

My body tenses up, despite the pain, when I hear the doorknob turn and the door slowly opening. I turn my head towards it, through the small crack the doctors head is peeking in to the room.

"Ah, you're still awake I see. You, um, you have visitors." I give him a completely deadpan look. Really? In what universe did anyone not hear that commotion? I bite back any sarcastic remarks though, I'm not in the mood. I really don't want to do this.

"Didn't I say I want to be alone?"

"Well, you did tell me to let them sleep before informing them. Now, they are awake and they are informed." Smart ass. A small sigh escapes my lips. Just as I'm about to tell him to ask them to leave, I stop when I see him bite his lip with a hesitant look on his face. "Rainbow Dash is with them..." My breath hitches, I did not hear her voice before. Rainbow Dash, here? I fidget with my hands nervously. What is she doing here? "Do you want to receive them?"

No...

I give another sigh as I resign myself to fate. Lowering my eyes and giving a slow nod. The doctor disappears back out the hallway for a few seconds before the door swings open all the way. A collective clopping fills the room as six sets of hooves close in on the doorway. First in are Applejack and Twilight, they both give me relieved smiles as they make their way towards the side of my bed, Applejack pulls her hat from her head and holds it to her chest as they sit down next to me. There is some small distance between us though, most likely for Twilight's sake. At this point I don't even register it, or at least I pretend not to.

Following not far behind them is the distinct shape of a bright pink earth pony, Pinkie Pie. Her poofy mane is lacking some of it's luster, drooping slightly as she drags her hooves through the doorway. As soon as she sees me, her bright blue eyes, puffy and slightly red, widen and she gives a dramatic gasp. She runs over to the foot of the bed and stares at me with sad eyes. She looks like she is about to cry. I cringe, I can never handle seeing her this way, to see a pony more full of life than anybody, who could bring a smile into anyone's life, be reduced to this. She was always there to brighten my day with a joke or with just her goofy, lovable personality. During hard days, when I needed a pick-me-up to sort my thoughts, I would visit Sugarcube corner. She would always make sure my order was prepared with care and fresh out of the oven, anything to help me. That is who Pinkie is, life and laughter, not this.

"Ohmygosh! Anon, look at you! You're... You're..." Her voice hiccups and she sniffs, tears forming in the corners of her eyes. Twilight reaches one of her hooves out and rests it on her shoulder. Silently, I thank her for giving Pinkie the support that I can not.

"Shhh..." I hush softly, or as softly as I can with my hoarse throat. "Pinkie, it's okay..." She sees right through my words though, they are so far from true they could be called a bald faced lie. My voice is weak and strained, combine that with my appearance and the truth speaks for itself. Nothing is okay.

"No! No it's not..." She reaches out to me with a hoof but immediately pulls it back to her chest. She bites her trembling lip and sits down on her haunches, twiddling her hooves around with shameful eyes cast to the floor. My heart bleeds, she tries so hard but not even she can look past what has happened between us. Pinkie, I don't blame you. "I was visiting Twilight when Dash suddenly burst into the library!" She dramatically throws her forelegs out to the sides to illustrate. "She kept rambling on and on about how she had hurt you! And then we found you in your house... and... and... We were soooo worried..."

"Come now, dear. We all know how tenacious Anonymous can be. No need to fret." My blood runs cold as ice when I hear that voice, the one I was not expecting when I heard it in the hallway, it is composed and refined, but I can clearly hear the venom laced in it. I have been avoiding its owner for so long, I thought we would never come face to face again. I had hoped we never would. Turning my head, I spot a pearl white unicorn striding into the room.

Rarity.

Her purple mane has grown back to it's normal length, pristine and styled into elegant curls. The scars on her neck are no longer visible as well. A lump forms in my throat as I hold my breath. We were never what you would call "friends", even back before all of this. We shared no interests, she mostly treated me like some uneducated brute and I considered her nothing but a condescending prude. Our only interactions were whenever I needed to shop for clothes. Since I couldn't just buy them over the counter, I needed them custom made, and despite our differences, Rarity is always up for a challenge when it comes to fashion. I can't help but wonder if this antagonism is what compelled me to almost... I can't finish that thought... Out of all the atrocities I committed, no one came so close to paying the ultimate price for it than she did. It's no wonder she hates me, even though she would claim otherwise, hiding it under a facade of politeness.

When our eyes meet, she stops dead in her tracks. She has that shocked face I'm prone to cause nowadays whenever someone sees me. She looks down along my ravaged body then up again, her deep blue eyes piercing into mine. Her expression softens, but I'm not sure how I would describe the emotion that now adorns it. She always was more reserved unless riled up. It is not repulsion or anger, but it is also not one of her masks of sympathy or courtesy either. There is a hint of sadness in her eyes, but more distant, and her forehead is lightly furrowed in concentration, like she's trying to peer into some half forgotten memory. I stop trying to figure it out as I avert my eyes, not being able to look into hers any longer. Her mere presence makes me feel cold and small.

"Rarity," Twilight gently chides, "this is serious. He's in bad shape."

"Of course..." Rarity's voice is steady, but its bite is missing, both the veiled venom and the pretense of empathy gone. Just at the edge of my vision I can see her move to the side, clearing a path to the door, but keeping a considerable distance from me. She gives the floor a light, absent-minded kick with one of her front hooves. The change in her demeanor only manages to chill my bones further. I don't dare to look her in the face again.

The sound of heavy hoof steps emanate from the doorway, grabbing all of our attentions as we turn our heads towards it. Emerging from the hallway, with strong steady steps like a military march, is a pegasus stallion, decked head to hoof in the golden armor of the royal guard over his strong white-coated body. A grim expression, like carved out of rock, is plastered on his face, his piercing eyes facing straight forward, unfaltering. And walking by his side, her head hanging low, is Rainbow Dash.

I feel a lump in my throat when I see her. She looks miserable, seeming so small next to the guard. She is wearing a harness made out of leather straps, with a few places of thick cloth, most likely to make it less uncomfortable for the wearer, pinning her wings down against her body. Rainbow and I were never all that close, we would often bicker and her bragging would get on my nerves, but there was still a point where I considered her a friend to some degree. Just like Applejack though, she grew cold after the incident, finding any excuse not to see me unless she needed to accompany Twilight or Pinkie. Seeing her like this though, being denied the use of her wings, her usual bravado gone, it feels unnatural. Flying is her life, you just can't take her wings away.

In my mind, I see myself in a forest, my fingers wrapping around blue feathers at the base of a wing. A bit of pressure, a twist of my wrists, a loud pop, no more flight. A shudder travels down my spine, I have to stifle a grunt by the pain that shoots out from my back. Rainbow finally lifts her head, her mane is disheveled, hanging down in her face as her eyes peer between the messy bangs. She has been crying, but when our eyes meet she gives me a indignant glare, her face forming into a scowl. She only manages to look me in the eye for a few seconds though, before her lips quiver slightly and she looks away from me, resting her sight on the floor instead. I look at the door anxiously, holding my breath, waiting for one last pony to enter. But there is nothing. I breathe out. She is not here... Good... It would have been too much...

"Well?" Applejack looks at Rainbow, authority in her voice, like she was chiding a disobedient child. She stands her ground, but refuses to lift her eyes and look at anyone, the corners of her mouth twitch a bit into a small frown. "Rainbow." Her voice is firmer now, giving a frown of her own to the blue pegasus. She still doesn't say anything. Applejack throws her hat to the floor and stands up, glaring at her.

"Dang it, Dash! This ain't no time to be so pig-headed! After what ya did yer lucky to..." Twilight puts a hoof on her shoulder, stopping her rant before it can gain momentum. Applejack looks at her, exasperated and panting hard, she was clearly wound up and ready to give Dash a piece of her mind. Twilight's pleading look though manages to calm her enough to collect herself. She looks back at Rainbow, who's still staring at the floor, with a glare but stays silent as Twilight walks past her, stopping in front of the bound pegasus. Rainbow's head lowers a bit more, her frown falters, being replaced with shame under the sad eyes of the purple unicorn.

"Dash, please..."

"What do you want me to say, Twilight?" Rainbow's voice is trembling slightly, despite her efforts to hide it. "I know I messed up. I was angry, I still am. But you didn't see her, how she was crying and begging." She raises her head and looks at me again, eyes filled with disdain. "For what he did to her..." She practically growls.

"Dash, you know that's not fair..." Rainbow's head snaps back at Twilight, her features lighting up with anger.

"Not fair? Not fair!?", she screams, making Twilight take a few steps back. She points her hoof at me. "How can you defend this!? After what he's done to us, to Scootaloo!? After all this time he still finds ways to hurt us!"

"Ya know damn well that wasn't his fault!"

"I know!" Rainbow hollers even louder before the room goes silent. She looks around at us, her eyes are wet and threatening to overflow. Taking a trembling breath, she lowers her head. "I know... But it doesn't stop it from hurting. I didn't mean to do it... Now I'm the villain... It's not fair, I just wanted to protect her..." She sniffs, a few tears splashing against the marble floor.

"Well, why didn't he say anything?" Rarity speaks up. Our attention turns from the crying pegasus to look at her, silently beckoning her to explain. She bites her lower lip and rubs one of her forelegs with the other, shifting uncomfortably. "Why didn't he tell anypony about Scootaloo? If he had not kept it secret, maybe none of this would have ever happened." Despite her words, she doesn't really sound like she's trying to shift the blame. She sounds unsure, like she's grabbing at straws. Everyone still turns their eyes to me though. I wilt under their gazes, even in the eyes that hold some sympathy for me, I can feel them questioning me, doubting me. I can't help but cast my eyes down to the bed.

"I thought you knew... That she had told someone, anyone..."

"And you didn't make sure?"

"I... I was too ashamed, I couldn't face her. Thought it was better to just stay away." I look at Rarity from the corner of my eye, I still can't fully face her. She is looking around ponderously at the floor, trying to think of something to follow up with. Failing that, she just closes her eyes and sighs. Rainbow lowers her head again, while the rest of the girls give me relieved looks. They might be glad I hadn't kept such a dark secret from them, but it also tells me that they truly thought that it was a possibility. I look away from them, not being able stop some resentment from rising in my mind.

It's all lies, all the talk about understanding, about forgiving. They know they can't do it. Why do they lead me on like this? Making me think things might change, only to doubt me first chance they get. I don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore, I feel like I'm running desperately towards the light, yet keep falling deeper into darkness. This has to stop, one way or another.

"Please..." Rainbow whimpers, "can't you take this thing off of me... I'm not the bad guy... I'm not..."

"You are still charged with assault, Rainbow Dash." The guard who's so far kept a stoic vigil in the room finally speaks up, his voice is like thunder, deep and rumbling. "No matter who the 'victim' is, had it not been for the personal student of Princess Celestia vouching for you to be grounded and placed under watch until you have had the chance to explain your actions to the victim, then you would already be standing trial." He sounds authoritative and professional, but the way he says 'victim' tells me he is far from sympathetic to my side. I'm not surprised that I'm not popular with the guards either. I kept dashing their efforts to catch me during their manhunt, put a few of them in the hospital... And what I put their former captain, Shining Armor, through... They have reason to hate me.

"But I... I..."

"Dash, please understand. There is nothing we can do. It's the law." Twilight's voice is low and full of regret.

"Please, you can't lock me up... I can't live without flying..."

"Ah'm sorry, Dash, but we just can't bail ya out of this one..."

"How can you not have my back!? You know you've been hating his guts for months, now you're abandoning me!?"

"P- Please don't fight... No more fighting... Please..." Pinkie sounds like she's on the verge of crying openly at this point, constantly hiccuping and fighting back her sobs as hard as she can. I clench my eyes shut.

"Ah grew up." There is no small amount of bite in Applejack's voice as she says it. "And Ah ain't abandoning anyone! Ah just can't let this control me anymore. Ya need to let it go, Dash."

"And if it had been Apple Bloom, would you feel the same way!?" She has no rebuke for this, falling silent. The tension is building in the air, quickly reaching the breaking point.

Stop...

"Is... Is there really nothing we can do? Surely there must be something that can be done?"

"I'm afraid not, miss Rarity. We have already skirted the law enough just by letting her see him."

"Twilight, please!"

"I'm sorry, Dash, I don't know what else to say. You have to pay the price for your actions... It's just... It's just the way it has to be..."

"No! Please, she's sorry, aren't you, Dashie?"

"Ah haven't heard her say 'sorry' even once yet..."

"... stop..."

"I wasn't thinking, alright!"

"Ya almost killed 'im!"

"He wanted me to!"

The room goes deathly quiet, not even the sound of breathing can be heard. I can feel their eyes on me, but I can not bring myself to meet them, I just keep my eyelids shut, my jaw clenching as I grit my teeth together.

"What the hay are ya talkin' about?"

"When I... Stopped... He told me to finish it."

"That's crazy!"

"Applejack, please, I know this is a... delicate situation, but I do not think Rainbow is lying. And had she not brought help he might have..."

"Rarity, if it hadn't been for her he wouldn't even be in this..."

"STOP!" I roar out, ignoring the pain in my sore throat and broken bones. I just want them all to shut up. I glare around the room. All of them have moved a step or two away from me, their faces a combination of shock and fear. Only the guard is keeping his stoicism, though his posture is more cautious and alert. I look at each and every one of the girls, their hind legs are trembling slightly. I hate it. I hate seeing them looking at me like that. I let my eyes rest on Rainbow Dash, there are still fresh tears going down her cheeks. She shies away, lowering her posture as I look at her. The fear... All the time, the fear... With a calming breath, I turn to the guard, meeting his steely gaze with a neutral expression.

"Take the harness off." This finally breaks through his stoic face, as he stares at me slack jawed. The girls have similar expressions, shocked faces with disbelieving eyes. Nobody moves a muscle for what almost feels like a minute before the guard regains his composure.

"This mare has committed a serious..."

"I am dropping all charges." He stares at me again, even more dumbfounded. "If anyone asks, my wounds were self-inflicted." Rainbow has straightened herself up again, her tear-filled eyes just stare at me, her jaw hanging limply.

"You- You're really letting her go?" Twilight looks up at me, her face just as shocked, but there is also a hint of hope in her voice.

"Ya know ya could've died, right?" Applejack looks a bit more incredulous, but I hear the relief in her voice. She lifts up her hat from the floor and holds it in her front hooves. "Yer really forgiving her for what happened, just like that?" I look down at her, my eyes a bit more cold than I would've liked.

"Why not, you did the same for me, didn't you?" There is no way for me to hide the venom in my words. I can see it instantly on their faces that they understood the meaning behind the them, hanging their heads as their ears lay back against their heads. Applejack lifts her hat up, hiding her muzzle behind it, Twilight and Rarity just sort of let their eyes trail over the floor, Pinkie's mane deflates a bit more and Rainbow almost looks like she just got slapped, wincing as she turns her head away. I can't really look at them either, I did not mean to say it like that. I shouldn't blame them. I can't blame them. I look once more to the guard.

"Sorry to bother you, sir. Please remove the harness, then you can leave." As he picks up his jaw from the floor, he gives me a fairly unimpressed look. No longer beholden to keep up his veneer of professionalism now that his duty is finished, he is giving me a clear glimpse of his opinion of me through his face, giving me a contemptuous scowl. He turns to Rainbow, leans his head down, and from under his breastplate, he pulls out a small crystal tied with a string around his neck. Bringing the crystal closer to the harness, it gives off a small glow and hum. and the straps just unbuckle like they where spring loaded. Magically sealed, good way to make sure no one tries to remove it without permission. Releasing the crystal, the guard reaches out and grabs the harness with his teeth, and with all the straps loose it just slides right off Rainbows body when he pulls back.

The guard turns around, stops and gives one last sideways glance back at me, before he trots out of the room. The heavy beats of his armored hooves as he makes his way down the hallway is the only sound that can be heard before they too die down. We just sit there in the silence, none of us saying anything for what feels like an eternity. It is finally Rarity who breaks it as she clears her throat, giving one of her curls a light bob with her hoof as she regains her regal posture.

"Well, I'm glad this business could be resolved." She immediately receives glares from the girls, except for Rainbow, who's just staring dumbfounded at nothing.

"Rarity, we're all relieved Dash didn't have to stand trial..." Twilight starts but is interrupted by a derisive snort by Rainbow. She is giving angry sideways glances at Applejack.

"Everypony?"

"Dash..." The cowpony gives an exasperated sigh, placing her hat back on her head. "Ah didn't want to see ya get taken away, but Ah can't defend what you've done here..."

"What I've done? It's nothing compared to what's been done to us! And he got off scot-free!" She once again points a hoof in my direction.

"Ya know that ain't true! All of us have been hurting." She turns her head and looks at me, her green eyes full of sadness. "All of us..."

"Come now." Rarity's voice grows colder as she takes a few steps closer to Applejack, placing herself next to Rainbow. "It was a crime of passion, tempers flared and mistakes were made, surely we can put this incident behind us."

"Why? Because ya don't like 'im? It makes what happened all okay then?" Rarity actually shies away from that, though she tries her best to keep her composure. She gives an uncertain glance to the floor.

"N- no, of course not..." She can't meet Applejack's eyes, instead looking around the room with darting eyes, mostly in my and Rainbow's directions, biting her lower lip. "I mean...The blame cannot be fully placed on her, can it?" Twilight tilts her head to the side, trying to catch her eyes.

"What are you trying to say, Rarity?"

She keeps avoiding eye contact with anyone and tries again and again to say something, failing each time to find the right words. Eventually, she just lovers her head and sighs. "Nothing..."

During all of this, Pinkie has just been sitting in one spot, fighting to stop her sobs, but now and then, a small squeaky hiccup escapes her lips, and the tears just keep flowing as her eyes keep dashing back and forth between her friends. Her eyes finally rests on Rainbow, the pegasus meets them for a second before looking down at the ground. Pinkie rises from her spot and slowly walks towards her friend, who keeps her sight nailed to the floor. When she comes to a stop in front of her, all of our eyes are on them. The pink pony lowers her head, putting it level with Dash's, and tries to meet her eyes, with no success.

"Dashie..." Rainbow's wings twitch slightly at her pleading voice, her blue feathers ruffling by the movement. "Why can't you just say you're sorry? That's what you do, right? When you do something wrong, you apologize. Then maybe things can go back to how they used to be." Dash just keeps her head down, her eyes and teeth clenched shut hard.

"I can't..." Her whole body shudders as her voice trembles. She swallows hard before continuing. "I just can't... I can't forget it... Even before Scootaloo..." Her voice breaks, she takes a trembling breath and swallows again. "I wanted to hurt him, to make him feel the pain I felt. It's wrong, but I can't just let it go." She finally lifts her head and meets Pinkies gaze. Her eyes have fresh tears forming in the corners. "Don't you see, Pinkie? There is no going back... It can't be like it used to be..."

Pinkie stares at her with wide eyes, her mouth hanging open. Her lower lip starts to quiver, she presses her lips together to try and stop it, but all it does it make her entire mouth quiver as she starts making silent whines. Her blue eyes are puffy and wet, the whites have turned a deep pink color. Seeing her trying so hard to fight back any more tears is heart-breaking. All of the girls have tears in their eyes at this point. Twilight takes a step forward, as steady as she can on her shaky legs.

"Dash..." She doesn't get any further as Rainbow's wings flare up, everyone gasps as she gives one powerful stroke to launch herself across the room, a stream of teardrops following the arc of her leap. Landing in front of the window, she quickly throws it open, and with one more pounce, she is out. Spreading her wings again, she propels herself through the air, faster with each flap of her wings. "Dash, wait!" Twilight cries, but by the time she reaches the window, all that is left is a rainbow trail in sky. She gives a sigh and shakes her head, closing the window before turning around.

All eyes are once again on me. I can't look back at them, instead I look down at the bed again, wishing I could follow Dash's example and just run away from all of this. To just disappear and leave everything behind. That way, it would be better for everyone. They wouldn't have to worry about me, and I could just spend my remaining time in solitude. I hear Twilight sniff, looking at her I see her wiping her muzzle with her hoof before looking into my eyes with a downcast expression.

"She's just angry..." She starts.

"I'm not blaming her." I cut her off, stopping her attempts to excuse Rainbows actions. She gives me a sad, questioning look.

"What she did was wrong."

"It was understandable."

"Why are you defending her?" It is not Twilight that asks the question. Turning my head, I see Rarity looking at me with a confused look, not even she has managed to stop her eyes from tearing up. Her question did not sound accusing, she sounds like she's genuinely perplexed by my lack of outrage. Like she was expecting me to rant wildly at the situation. I don't answer her question. I don't have to, as Twilight makes her way back to Applejack's side and peer deep into me with sorrowful, purple eyes. I know the question is coming, even as she hesitates, trying to blink the tears away.

"Is what she said true?" I keep looking into those eyes, despite her efforts a few tears still escapes. "Did you tell her to finish it?" Silence once again fills the room. I think all of them are holding their breaths in anticipation. For a moment, I consider lying, trying to come up with excuses or anything to deflate the tension. Instead I sigh and lower my head.

"Yes..." Their eyes widen and they make silent gasps. Pinkie covers her mouth with her hooves. They all stare at me in wide eyed shock.

"Wh- Why would you do such a thing?" My own eyes begin to water as well when I look back at Twilight, tears flowing freely down her face.

"Because I'm tired.. Tired of all the pain, tired of hurting everyone around me. Of being the boogeyman who terrifies the town..." Some confusion mixes in with the sorrow as they look at each other, then back to me.

"What... What's a boogeyman?"

"The monster who hides under the children's beds" All of them lower their eyes, except Applejack. She keeps her gaze on me, trying to look composed as she frowns, but she has to struggle with her quivering lips while fighting the tears. Twilight lifts her hoof to her chest, laying it over her heart.

"Please... We can fix this... Together we can..." My eyes pierce into her, making her flinch. I bare my gritting teeth in a scowl. I've had enough of this.

"Stop! Just stop it!" The harshness of my voice makes her flinch again, along with Pinkie and Rarity. Only Applejack seems able to resist, still holding her eyes on me. "Stop kidding yourselves and stop lying to me! Rainbow was right, there is nothing that you, me or anyone can do! It's over, do you understand? It's over..." I take deep breaths through my gritted teeth. My chest hurts so much, everything has a slight blur obscuring my vision.

"So now what?" Applejack stares at me accusingly through teary eyes, a scowl of her own on her face. "Yer just wishing ya were dead, is that it?" We stare at each other, a silent battle of wills as we both glare into the other's soul. I want to tell her to back off and get out. I, however, lose this battle, she won't back down. My scowl fades away, the tears in my eyes finally breaking loose as I turn towards the window. Rainbow's escape has pushed the curtain aside, I can see Ponyville again. I look out over the buildings, the valleys just outside of it, past the Everfree Forest on its outskirts, the city of Canterlot resting majestically on the mountainside and the bright horizon beyond. I hate this view.

"I wish... I wish I had never come to Equestria..." I once again hear them gasp silently, I can see the reflections of their shocked faces in the glass.

"Y- You... -hic- You can't -hic- mean that!" Pinkie almost shrieks, her sobbing has turned into weeping. "Please, take it back! Take it back!"

"Please, Anon!" Applejack has finally lost her battle against her emotions, her voice unsteady from her crying. "We can't just give up, we're yer friends, we'll figure something..."

"No, Applejack..." My voice is quivering. No more lies, no more facades. "We are not friends... We haven't been friends for a long time... I can't live in this fantasy anymore... Please... Just leave me alone..."

"But.. But..."

"Come on, Applejack..." In the reflection, I can see Twilight walk over to her, her head hanging low. Her voice is quiet and choking on the tears, full of despair. She looks up at her friend, with pained, sorrowful eyes. "Let's go..." She says with a tone of defeat, once again lowering her head.

"No... No! We can't just... It can't end like..." She chokes before finally breaking down, her body slumps as she hangs her head, sobbing loudly between trembling breaths. Nothing more is said, all of us just sitting there, the room filled with the sobs of the girls. I just keep looking out the window, tears flowing down my face, but I do not sob or make a sound, my breathing slow and steady. I numb myself to their suffering, this is the way it has to be. Better for them to accept the truth than keep holding on to this foolish lie. Going on would just hurt them more in the end. Several minutes must have passed before I can see Pinkie's reflection in the window start to move towards the door. Her mane and tail have gone completely flat, if not for her coloring, you would never recognize her as the happy party mare. She stops and looks back at me, standing there like she's waiting for something, for me to say something maybe, to change my mind and tell her to stay. I keep my silence. A few more tears drop from her face to the floor. Rarity walks over to her, giving her a comforting nuzzle to the side of her face. They look at each other, then turn and walk out of the room.

Applejack's crying has died down, she keep glancing at me, maybe hoping for the same thing as Pinkie. Now and then I can see her open her mouth to say something, then immediately closing it again. Twilight places her hoof on her shoulder, looking into her eyes. Applejack again looks like she's about to say something, before releasing a quivering sigh. She turns around, and with Twilight at her side, they also start making their way to the door. When they reach the doorway though, Twilight stops and turns to me, I can just make out her tired, sorrowful eyes in the window.

"If you change your mind, you know where to find us. We'll be waiting for you." Her voice is so sad it makes my heart feel like it will sink down to my stomach, her spirit sounds like it's completely crushed. I don't say anything back to her, I don't even turn around to see her leave. The sound of the door closing is all that signifies that I am now alone.

Alone, like I always am.

I raise my hands to my face, burying it in them as the floodgates open. I cry and wail, my aching chest is slowly getting soaked by tears as waves of pain shoot out from it with every quiver and sob. With this final act, I have now released myself from this lie, this illusion of belonging, of friendship. I am free, and I am now well, and truly, alone. My vision becomes more blurry by the tears and the pain. There is a ringing in my ears, I can not even hear the heart monitor anymore. I can feel my heartbeat in my head, I feel like I need to vomit. Suddenly, the beating of my heart seems to be all around me, pulsing at me from all directions of the room.

Lifting my head from my hands, my body freezes as I stare in horror at the sight in front of me. The wall is covered in blood, flowing upwards in a web-like pattern. I could swear I was feeling the scent of sex and blood in the air. Slowly, the tendrils of blood warp and morph, changing shape into small figures, like twisted shadow puppets, enacting violent scenes, accompanied by the thumping of quick heartbeats. They are my nightmares.

A unicorn pressed against the edge of a bed.

A farmer tied up in a barn.

A teacher slammed down on her desk.

A pastry maker with her head forcefully pressed against the ground.

A small filly lying on a large bed, not even aware of what is about to happen.

And on and on and on, it keeps showing more and more. In in all of them, a humanoid figure looms over them, committing atrocities that have been burned into my memories. The figure turns it head towards me, and I stare into it's face. My face.

I clench my eyes shut, as tightly as I can, as I once again bury my face in my hands. In my mind, I scream, but not a single sound escapes my lips as I clench my jaw. Stop, it's not real. It's not real. It's not real. I have to get out of here, but I can't even stand. I'm trapped. The ringing in my ears suddenly stops. I release the breath I wasn't even aware I had been holding, panting hard and fast. It takes a few moments before I can lift my head from my trembling hands, almost to terrified to do so.

It's gone. The blood, the images, the sounds of ringing and heartbeats. Gone. I frantically turn my head from side to side, scanning every inch of the room, searching for any signs of what I just witnessed. My eyes stop on the table by my bed. I look over the flowers, the cards... And that muffin... Anger boils inside of me, cursing my life and whatever forces brought me to this world. I reach out, ignoring my body's screams of agony, placing my arm along the back of the table and with one swift motion, I throw the objects off the edge. The world almost seems to move in slow motion as I see them fall. The vases and plate shattering, petals shaking loose from flowers by the impact, and a muffin being squished and crumble under the remains of the plate.

I slump down on the bed, staring into the ceiling as I cry in my anguish.

Outside, the midday sun is shining down on Ponyville.

Author's Notes:

Whew! This chapter, man...
I'm sorry it took longer to finish this one, there's been a lot of distractions I'm afraid.
Also, I need to get better at planning out these chapters, they keep getting longer than I intend for them to be. I even had to rewrite some things in this one and cut some other things out completely to be used later so it didn't become too long. It also resulted in having to make some changes in my planning, what that might mean is that updates might happen at a slower pace as I try to plan this a little better.
Don't worry though, I'm not going to start only releasing new chapters once every month or so. I still plan on dedicating as much time as I can into this, I just want to make sure you get the results you expect and deserve.

This one's a bit different also, most of the last half, Anon's is mostly along for the ride as others talk, and I had to make it more like dialogue than having characters monologue to each other like in my previous chapters.

Also, the scenes with the doctor were a bit of a challenge... I really shouldn't write such long parts about subjects I have very little knowledge in... Well, I suppose if you're going to wing it (okay maybe it wasn't that bad) when it comes to medicinal science, it would be in a world of magic rainbow-pooping ponies.

Also, wow! I'm surprised over all the support I have received. You guys rock!
Please remember though, if you like my story, maybe give a little thumbs up? (You know... If you want to... It's okay if you don't...)
And as always, I love reading your comments, all of them! Reading the comments have become the highlight of the day for me.
Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, thank you. You have no idea how happy they make me.
Until next time, my friends.

~Red Angel

Chapter 4 - Nothing Gained

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Chapter 4 - Nothing Gained

By: Red Angel

An endless, perpetual darkness surrounds me. I can not move, yet I feel myself drifting through the void. Voices scream around me, distant yet somehow clear. Crying and begging.

"No, stop!"

"No! Let me go, Anon!"

"Don't do this! Not here!"

"Please, don't kill me! I'm sorry!"

All of them are punctuated by a scream or cry of pain. I try to run, I can't move. I feel like I'm floating through water. In the distance, there are figures. Even though they are far away, I know what they are.

I try to run, I must reach them... I have to... I call out, no sound escapes my lips.

In the distance, a pegasus is sitting on her haunches, facing away from me, her long, pink mane wet from the rain she has sought cover from. I am slowly drifting towards her, but too slow. Faster, have to reach her...

By her side sits a shadowy figure, gazing out into the same distant darkness as the pegasus next to it. The scene is almost peaceful. Panic is raging in my mind, my heart pounding in my head, almost drowning out the screams around me. The figure slowly moves one of it's arms behind the mare, softly placing it's hand over her withers. Long, strong fingers sliding down her back in a tender, yet bone-chilling movement. She shudders, but does not move away, frozen in place. I scream, there is no sound.

I try to run. Move dammit, move! Please... My body refuses me, the shadows shackling me as I slowly drift closer. I think I am crying as I impotently thrash against my invisible bonds, begging to let me move, to please let me reach her, before...

The figure's hand has reached her lower back, stopping and moving back up again, slowly and methodically. She keeps shuddering. As it closes in on the base of her neck, it's fingers begins to twist into the shape of long, black claws. A low rumbling sound can be heard around me. I scream again, with greater desperation, yelling for it to stop, knowing what comes next, but not one word escapes me. I don't want to watch this... I don't... I don't... Please... Please, stop... Please!

I silently scream once more as I see it's claws grab her by the neck. My heart stops as I see it throw her to the ground, her body jerks and stiffens by the painful impact. No... Stop... The figure straddles on top of her, grabbing her by her throat with one clawed hand, the rest of it's body has slowly become more twisted and monstrous, hardly even resembling it's original form by this point. She looks up at it, her face now visible to me. Aqua eyes filled with tears stare at the figure, her face speaking of fear and the hurt of betrayal.

I keep struggling. I have stopped drifting through the void, now standing less than a meter from them. I'm so close, I have to stop it. I keep struggling. I cannot move. Why can't I move? I have to stop it... I have to!

Don't do this... Please, don't... Let me go. Stop this... Don't let it... Don't let me...

The figure leans over her, snarling. It pulls it's free hand back, balling it into a fist, raising it... Preparing... My struggling becomes more frantic and desperate. I fruitlessly try to scream again. She turns her head, looking straight at me. Among the fear and pain, a question burns in her eyes, drilling into me, begging me; why?

No... Stop... Please... No... Stop... Stop... Please! No! Stop!

The fist comes down.

STOP!

"Stop!" I scream as I return to the waking world, leather straps stopping me as I shoot up from the bed, making me flop right back down to the mattress, shocking me out of my panic. My breathing is fast and labored and there isn't a part of me not covered in sweat. It feels like I've just run a marathon. I blink my eyes, trying to chase away the black spots obscuring my vision as I look around the hospital room, lightly spinning from my dizziness.

I swallow hard, forcing down the sickening lump in my throat that usually signifies my need to throw up. My efforts eventually manages to slow down both my breathing and pulse as my sight slowly returns to me. Panting slowly, I feel so exhausted I could easily drift off to sleep again, if it weren't for my fears of my nightmares spurring me to keep myself awake.

I turn my head to look at the window, it's dark outside, bright stars shimmering against the night sky and the world under the watchful gaze of the moon. All the lights are out in Ponyville, everything is asleep. How long have I been asleep? It must be very late if not even the late night party goers are awake. A clock that has been generously placed on the wall shows 3:35 a.m. when I look at it.

I let my eyes drift around the room, it's as drab and lifeless as ever and it still has that stupid plant in the corner. Did anyone really think it would somehow tie the room together? If anything the room looks even more empty now, since they removed the heart rate monitor and the I.V. bag, though I can't say I miss the incessant beeping of the monitor. I keep looking back and forth between the white walls, studying them has been my most frequent pastime for the week and a half that I have spent in this room. Good thing I'm already crazy, or I might have lost my mind at this point.

I have hardly seen anyone during my time here, except hospital staff, and even then I've only seen a few of them and not for longer than absolutely necessary, preferring to leave me alone. Fine by me. That zebra, Zecora, came by once, though she was mostly here to help the doctors prepare for my treatment. She did try to talk to me, speaking in rhyme as I had been warned about, but I had refused to indulge her, keeping my silence, hardly even looking at her. It was rude of me, I know, she was here to help me after all, but she didn't seem offended. Maybe she understood me, one loner to another, and could respect my desire to be left alone.

As for the girls... I haven't seen them since that day. I don't even know if they've been by the hospital, since I gave clear instructions to the staff that I want no visitors, no matter what, and have not bothered asking if anyone's come by. I wish I could say that it's made things easier, but it hasn't. I still think about them from time to time, despite my efforts. Being confined to this room with nothing but my thoughts most of the time makes it hard for the mind not to wander. Every time I think about them, my heart aches, I keep thinking if I had been too harsh, even though in the end I know I did the right thing.

It's like Rainbow said; even after all this time, I still find ways to hurt them.

My treatment started little over a week ago. The doctor hadn't been lying, regrowing bones hurt like a son of a bitch. Even when they just gave me small doses of the alchemical concoction, only enough for it to target the smallest of the fractures, it was excruciating. We would then wait until the next day, or the one after that if the healing had been especially arduous, to continue with the next set of deeper fractures. I'm not sure how I would describe the sensation. It was almost like someone was forcefully pulling at my ribs, bending and kneading them into the right shape, slowly. I think that's the closest I can put it. It just got more intense as we slowly made our way to the worst damage, though I think I was starting to get used to the pain, since the longer it went on the quicker I started recovering from the process.

None of it could have prepared me for earlier today though, though I guess by this point it would be 'yesterday'. All my ribs had been healed, though they still feel a bit sore and tender, and I was given three days to rest and prepare. It had been time to heal my spine. As much as my broken ribs had hurt, none of it compared to the pain I have felt in my back during this time. From nightmares causing me to thrash around or squirming from feeling my ribs grow into place, it sometimes felt like torture. I had been given various medications to help me, but they could only do so much. My favorite was the ones they gave me to help me sleep from time to time, whatever it was it actually managed to suppress my nightmares to a small degree. I've tried asking the doctors what it is, but they won't tell me, probably worried I would get hooked on the stuff. If they experienced what I did when I slept, they would not be so quick to say no.

I had been nervous, terrified even when the time came to drink that potion that would hopefully fix the damaged nerves in my spine. The doctor had prepared me the best he could, but it still shocked me just how excruciatingly painful it was. I felt like electricity was shooting out across my entire spine, every nerve in my body was on fire, all the way up to my brain. Try to imagine the worst cramp you've ever had and multiply it a thousandfold.

That was the last thing I can remember before waking up. I must have passed out. I grunt as I shift a little on the bed, my back still hurts, to a lesser degree, yes, but it still hurts, and my body feels like it's been trampled, all sore and aching. I tug my arms, feeling the restraints around them. I had given the staff permission to restrain me in my sleep should it be deemed necessary to ensure I don't hurt myself while recovering.

Turned out it was 'deemed necessary' almost every single night. I have not made a fuss about it, the last thing I want right now is risk snapping at anyone, and if it really makes them feel so much safer, fine. I can feel a wetness around my wrists, besides the sweat. and a stinging pain. Where is the staff? Did everything go the way it was supposed to? Is my back fixed? Am I...

The sound of the door opening shakes me out of my thoughts as I look towards it. A light purple-coated nurse is standing in the doorway with a worried look on her lightly freckled face, before breathing out a relieved sigh and giving me a small smile. Her kind blue eyes, though tired and longing for sleep, makes contact with mine. Despite her exhausted look, her mane, striped in purple and white, is still neatly tied up in a bun in the back of her head, with only a short, neatly cut fringe hanging down over her forehead, her nurse cap neatly placed upon her head. I have to fight the urge to frown.

Aside from Doctor Stable, I must have seen this nurse more than anybody else during my stay here. Be it prepping me before a procedure, giving me medication or just cleaning up any mess I've made, like the gifts I destroyed during my first conscious day here, it was always her. I have hardly even seen another nurse at all, except when the doctors specifically requests for one of them, I don't think any of them likes to be anywhere near me.

This one though, she hardly seems fazed by me. Where others shy away or just tries to ignore me, she smiles and attempts idle chit-chat, not that I indulge in any whenever she tries. I don't know why she makes such an effort to hide what she really thinks about me, why she pretends to care, though I have to admit that she is very good at acting like there's nothing wrong. If I didn't know better, I would almost believe her. But I do, and I don't. Does she think it will make me relax around her? On the contrary, if anything it just makes me mad. Lies and pretense, everything.

Still, she is making an effort, even if it is a false one, to be polite. It does make me feel a little bit guilty for not remembering her name. I'm sure she has said it, but I wasn't in a mood to listen. Let's see... What is her name... I know it's not Redheart, this mare's a few years older and, for lack of a better term, a bit chubbier. Hmm, is it... Snowheart? No, I think that's the name of another nurse I heard the doctors mention... What is it? It's something with 'S'...

"Good, you're awake." Her kind voice pulls me out of my chain of thought. She stifles a small yawn as she slowly trots over to my bed. "How are you feeling?" She gives another soft smile. I hate it when she talks to me like that, it sounds so... Motherly. I turn my head and direct my eyes towards the ceiling.

"I'm fine..." A pained hiss escapes me directly afterwards as I feel another sting from my wrists, making me dig the tips of my fingers into the blanket. I hear the nurse make a quiet gasp and quicken her pace, coming to a stop at my side. Out of the corner of my eye, I can see her look over my arms with a worried expression. With some effort, I manage to lift my head high enough to look down at myself. My hands and part of my lower arms are covered in blood, staining the leather straps and bed.

"Oh dear..." I hear her whisper before she practically dives at the restraints, using her teeth to unbuckle the strap around my left arm with surprising speed. When I feel the leather slide of my wrist I lift my arm to look at it. There are several small, jagged cuts along my wrist, torn open by the straps during my thrashing. Fresh blood trickles down my arm in small drops. I feel my other arm being released from it's binding. Looking over I see the nurse has already moved to the other side of the bed and unbuckled the other strap.

"Stay calm, I'll be right back." She tells me in her best soothing tone before running out the door. Strangely, I don't feel any alarm or worry as I look over both of my raised arms, gazing at the cuts and the blood, I feel oddly tranquil. I lower my arms, placing one of my hands on the controller for the bed and press down on one of the buttons. The bed slowly folds upwards, raising me into a sitting position as the nurse comes charging back in, pushing a small cart in front of her, carrying bandages, pieces of cloth, some water in a pitcher and a tray with a plate on it, covered by a metal lid.

She comes to a stop next to me and reaches out with her hooves, grabbing one of my arms with them and pull it closer. I shudder at her touch and instinctively pull my arm from her grasp. She looks at me, surprised by my reaction. I can't help but rub my arm where she had touched me, trailing my fingers over the goosebumps dotting my skin.

"Please, it's alright." She is once again using that motherly tone, sending another chill down my back. "I just need to clean and bandage the cuts." She extends her hooves pleadingly, not touching me but waiting for me to make the move. "Please." I look at her eyes, her hooves and then my arm. Trembling slightly with hesitation, I release a sigh before very carefully extending my arm. I don't look at her as I feel her hooves once again on my skin, more delicately this time, but I have to fight the need to pull away again as another shudder makes me tremble.

I close my eyes and try to breathe calmly, feeling terribly nervous now compared to the calmness I felt when looking at my own cut wrists. She twist my arm slightly from side to side, inspecting it, before releasing it. I keep it in place as I hear her shuffling around with the objects on the cart. A few seconds later I feel the cold dampness of wet cloth against my skin as she thoroughly cleans the blood away, scrubbing up, down and across my arm. There is a tenderness to her movements that makes me uncomfortable, it almost feels alien to me, this world has not been soft on me for a long time. It almost feels... Nice. I grit my teeth, trying to think about something, anything else.

I feel her hooves release my arm, opening my eyes slightly I look at her out of the corner of my eye. She discards the blood-soaked cloth in a waste bin, then grabs a roll of gauze bandage from the cart. Turning back to me, she begins dressing my wounds, spinning the roll around my wrist with that dexterity of her hooves that always surprises me about these ponies. It's done in a matter of seconds, ending with her securing the gauze binding using her teeth.

She moves to the other side of the bed and repeats the whole process with my other arm, cleaning and dressing the cuts. I feel no less uneasy by her touch this time than the first, thankfully it's over quickly. I look over my wrists, now covered in white strips of cloth. It's strange how... Detached I feel about this. Seeing my own blood, I felt nothing, just numb. Just how far gone am I? I lower my arms, letting them rest on the bed at either side of me. The nurse has placed everything back on the cart again and is just finished unbuckling the last restraint over my legs, freeing me, yet still being confined to this bed. She releases a long, relieved breath before meeting my eyes. I look away. I suppose I should say something.

"Thank you..." I'm not sure how genuine that sounded. Looking back at her, she does have that kind smile back on her face. I swallow, feeling a bit awkward. I really feel dumb now for not remembering her name. Wait... Now that I think about it, wasn't she here before the alchemical procedure to fix my nerves? Just how long has she been here?

"Working long hour shifts, nurse...? Um..." I trail off, giving her an apologetic look, hoping she will fill in the blanks. Her smile just grows slightly, her soft eyes peering into mine, with no hint of annoyance at the fact I haven't learned her name by now.

"Sweetheart", she say softly, "Nurse Sweetheart." Of course, it's always something with 'heart'. I wonder if that's a prerequisite for becoming a nurse... "And no, my shift actually ended over four hours ago." She ends her sentence with another small yawn. I blink a few times, giving her a quizzical look with a raised eyebrow.

"Then... Why are you still here?" She gives me yet another smile, her eyes are half-lidded and by now I notice there are some small bags forming under them.

"I was waiting for you to wake up." She says it so nonchalantly, like it's nothing odd about it. Myself, I feel like a ball of ice just settled in my gut. I blink a few times more, giving her the most dumbfounded look I've probably ever given, trying to wrap my head around what she just said, to think of some kind of answer or question to follow up with.

"Bwuh?" Is all that my brainpower can generate through my mouth. She raises one of her hooves to her mouth and stifles a small giggle. When she looks back into my eyes again though, she has a more serious and worried expression on her face, her forehead creasing lightly.

"You lost consciousness as soon as the potion had worked itself through the first stage of repairing your damaged nerves." She looks around at the floor. "It was hard to look at, a bit scary even. It must have been very painful." She raises her eyes to look at me again. "I wanted to make sure you were alright when you woke up. Also..." She stops and turns to the cart. Reaching out, she grabs the handle of the metal lid with her teeth, lifting it up to reveal a few sandwiches and an empty glass on the plate under it. Placing the lid on the cart, she grabs onto the edges of the tray and lifts it. It's one of those breakfast-in-bed type of trays, the kind with legs so you can place it over the lap of someone lying in bed.

"I wanted to make sure you had something to eat, it's been some hours since your last meal." She places the tray over my lap, the legs digging into the mattress, then pours some of the water from the pitcher into the glass. Great, my favorite thing in the world... Food. The first days here my only nourishment had been this unappealing, murky liquid served in a huge glass. It had looked absolutely disgusting, but thankfully it had almost no taste whatsoever. I still have no idea what it actually was, but it did improve my condition surprisingly fast. Alchemy maybe, I don't know. I even managed to keep it from coming back up, most of the time... Afterwards, there had been soup. It wouldn't have been so bad, if it weren't for the fact that it was hospital food after all. Eventually, I could start eating solid food again.

I still have problems keeping it down some times. And despite improving, I am still rather frail looking, though my ribs are no longer sticking out of my chest. A low growl comes from my stomach, to my great displeasure. I still don't have much of an appetite, but I've played along with the doctor's orders. I don't want to make a big fuss about things that will only keep me here even longer, it's better to just roll with it. That way I can get out of here as soon as possible and go back to being alone.

"I made them myself. You're going to need your strength back for when it's time to use your legs again." I tear my eyes away from the tray to look at her, a big smile on her face.

"So... It worked out? My nerves?" She gives me a nod.

"A success. I'm sure you're still feeling some pain, and keep in mind what the doctor told you, it will take some time for it to fully regenerate. You should probably not try walking on your own until Doctor Stable's had a chance to look you over, but otherwise you're in the homestretch on your road to recovery." She beams a wide smile at me.

Recovery. Right... It would soon be over, I won't have to lie here day in and day out anymore, I will be able to walk again, somewhat. So how come I feel... Nothing? When I'm out of here, then what? What do I do, where do I go? What is there left for me out there in this world? I release a sigh and look down at myself. Broken, no matter how much I heal, I'll still be broken.

"I see..." Whatever cheerful mood she'd been in is instantly snuffed out by the sound of my somber tone. Her face falls into a confused look as she gazes at my face. I don't meet her eyes, suddenly finding the food in front of me much more enticing to look at. An awkward silence covers the room, broken only by the rhythmic ticking of the clock. Having nothing to say, but feeling the need to do something other than just sitting here, I pick one of the sandwiches up from the plate and bring it to my mouth, taking a sizable bite out of it. It's nothing fancy, some cheese, lettuce, a few slices of tomato and cucumber. Still, it tastes a lot better than the hospital food at least. She said she made it herself? I only let the question linger for a second before pushing it from my mind, taking another bite. It kinda makes me wish I had an appetite left; despite my growling stomach, I'm not eating it due to my hunger as much as I'm looking for an excuse not to talk with Nurse Sweetheart.

Speaking of which, she keeps staring at me, looking over my face, then down at my wrists and finally the leather straps used to restrain me. She clears her throat, trying to dissipate the awkwardness in the air, and give a small frown.

"I- I don't think we should be using these restraints anymore." Her attempts to change the subject is embarrassingly obvious. Why not just drop it altogether? Why does she keep insisting on trying to talk to me? "They were meant to keep you from hurting yourself, not to actually hurt you by itself. Besides, even though you're still recovering, there isn't much damage you can inflict to your wounds by thrashing around in your sleep by this point. I'll have a word with the doctor next time I see him." I take a swig of the water, washing down the bread in my mouth.

"Hmm... Don't think the rest of the staff will appreciate it..." When she looks at me with another confused look, I don't meet her eyes again, keeping my focus on the tray as I take another bite from my sandwich, followed by another sip of water.

"What do you mean-" I interrupt her with a sideways glare, lowering the glass from my lips and placing it firmly, with a small thud, down on the tray. Turning my head towards her, I keep my glare steadily on her, peering into her eyes that stare back at me, not with the fear I am used to, but with sadness. It almost makes me swallow my own anger, but I hold on to it, a frown growing on my face.

"Don't play dumb. You honestly think I don't know how everyone feels about having me here? You don't think I realize why I hardly see anyone but the doctor and yourself? The doc has a job to do, I understand that, and I don't know what you did wrong in order to get saddled with me, but what I can't understand is why you keep acting like this; all cheery and friendly. Just cut the act..." She pulls back like my words had physically cut her. I am expecting her to just finally drop the charade, but to my surprise, she meets my eyes with an indignant and hurt look.

"Now wait, I'm not acting!"

"Really? You're telling me that what I've done doesn't disturb you? That out of all the ponies, you can somehow look past it all? Oh wonderful day..." I'm a bit surprised myself by the venom in my voice. Didn't I tell myself a short while ago that I didn't want to snap at anyone here? She pulls back again.

"N- No, it's just that.." She trails of, trying to keep her gaze steady, but ultimately casting it down at the floor as she lowers her head. A mix of guilt and annoyance hits me in the chest. I wan't to say something, but I don't know what. My irritation wins out over my guilt, and with a scoff I turn back to the tray in my lap. I pick up what little is left of my first sandwich and scarf it down, practically shoving it down my throat in what I know is a pretty childish display of my temper as I take it out on my food. It's at least keeping me from saying anything I might really come to regret. After taking a few gulps of water to wash it all down with, I just sit there and stare at the two remaining sandwiches, not really feeling like eating anymore.

"The day they brought you in here..." She starts, her voice sad but steady. I look at her out of the corner of my eye, her head is still aimed towards the floor. "I was afraid, yes... We had all heard Princess Celestia's decree about you innocence, about what had really happened... But ponies are stubborn, you know?" She gives a weak, mirthless chuckle. "After you had been stabilized, I talked with Twilight Sparkle... She told me about what you had been through, how she wanted to help you... I think she felt a little powerless, the mare who had helped save Equestria several times, powerless, because she wasn't sure how, or even if she could help you... The doctor heard it all too... And then, you started screaming in your sleep... I don't know what you were dreaming, but every time it happened, you would start to scream... And always the same thing..." She lifts her head, at the same time I turn towards her. Our eyes meet, and hers are filled which such sadness.

"I'm sorry... That's what you would scream, 'I'm sorry'." She swallows hard before continuing. "At that moment, something changed. My heart bled out for you, and I couldn't see you as the monster we had deluded ourselves into believing you were any longer. All I could see, was somepony who was hurting, who was in need of help, compassion, and a friend. And I wanted to be a friend for you. Maybe a part of me sees this as a chance to ease my own conscience for misjudging you, but I have not been acting."

I... I don't know what to say... This can't be real... Can it? We look at each other in silence, my mouth is slightly agape by my shock. Slowly, her smile creeps back onto her lips, giving me a look of reassurance. That motherly look again, kind and patient. I can't decide what exactly I am feeling right now. Should I cry, or laugh, or what? I try to gather my thoughts, looking down at the floor, then back to her.

"And what about the doctor? You said he had heard all of it too, but I can tell he doesn't like me, even though he tries to hide it." Her smile disappears instantly, replaced with a hesitant look.

"It's not that he doesn't like you..." She looks down at the floor again, trailing off. She is hesitating...

"But?" I say after a few seconds of waiting for her to continue, trying to coax her. It takes a few more seconds before she looks back up from the floor.

"He..." She bites her lower lip before releasing a sigh in defeat. "He treated some of the victims from... From when you weren't yourself..." My breath hitches. She gives me an apologetic look through her sad eyes. "I think he can't help but be reminded of the conditions they were in... Please, don't blame him, he doesn't mean to do it."

"No..." I shake my head, looking down at the palms of my hands resting in my lap. "I don't... If anything, I suppose I... Understand him now..." I think back to the day I woke up in this hospital, the way he had looked at me, concern one moment, fear the next, his uncertainty and the awkwardness when we spoke. A monster and a victim, I must have seemed like such a contradiction to him, not being able to make heads or tails of me. A thought strikes me, if he treated my... Victims... Then maybe... Maybe I can find the answer to one question that's been haunting me this past year... The resolution to what was probably the worst crime I committed, worse than even Rarity, unless I had failed to stop myself, or even Scootaloo... Oh... Scootaloo... I banish those thoughts for now, right now, there is a chance for answers, and I will take it. I turn my head to Nurse Sweetheart, my gaze is determined and calm when it meets her eyes.

"There is something I must ask you, and if you know the answer I need you to be honest with me." My voice is level and calm when I speak, surprising her somewhat as she looks over my face with a puzzled expression. She hesitates for a moment, before giving a small nod.

"Alright..." She says with some reservation.

"Promise me." She once again looks a bit taken aback with surprise, seeming even more hesitant. I keep my eyes locked on hers, silently begging her to answer me. She gives another slow nod, but with a more worried look on her face.

"I promise." She keeps her voice as even as possible, but I can still hear the hesitation in it. I give her a acknowledging nod, sealing the promise, then take a deep breath as I prepare my question.

"Did he treat a unicorn by the name of Trixie?" Her eyes widen as I say the name. Her mouth opens before immediately closing again, biting her lower lip as she keeps looking from left to right then back again. She is stalling, but that gives me a partial answer. "You do know something..." This brings her eyes back to me again, I can see how she's stumbling around in her own mind, trying to find something to say, to weasel her way out from her promise.

"Please..." My voice gives out somewhat, giving it a pitiful tone. "I have to know... I need to know if she made it..." I am practically begging at this point, my voice growing shaky and weak. Her face softens, no longer desperately searching for a way out. She still bites her lip, her eyes pleading with me not to go there but realizing that I won't drop it. When she can't meet my eyes anymore she directs them to the floor again as she releases a long, trembling breath. She stays quiet for a few seconds before giving a few short nods.

"Somepony found her at the edge of the White Tail Woods on the outskirts of Ponyville... She was in bad condition, but alive... We did what we could to heal her, physically... Mentally though... Her horn..." My gut feels like it just shriveled up, threatening to expel my recent meal, but I fight it back. There is less I can do about the feeling of my heart being gripped by a cold claw in my chest. In my mind, images of a broken horn in the palm of my hand flashes before me. It takes all my willpower to keep focused on the nurse when she continues. "The loss of it... She shut herself off, not responding to anything, until..." She stops, clenching her eyes shut and pursing her lips together into a tight line, not wanting to continue.

"Until... What?" I try to coax her on, my voice trembling even worse by this point. She looks me straight in the eyes, sadly pleading with me to stop. I respond with my own pleading look, trying to show my need for answers. I have to know, I just have to.

"Until you were brought in, after Princess Celestia had freed you from that... thing... Somehow, Trixie got word of it, that not only were you alive, though comatose, but that you had been exonerated from everything that had happened..." She falters, I can see that she wants to look away, yet she forces herself to look at me. "She couldn't accept it... We had to put her on suicide watch... Eventually, we had her moved to a hospital in Manehattan... They have good personnel there to help her... And we thought it was best for her to be far away from Ponyville... And you..."

Cold... That is all I feel... Cold... I had gotten my answers... Did it make me feel any better? No... But I had gotten them... I lean down and rest my face against the palms of my hands, taking deep breaths through my nose, then releasing them in slow, trembling waves through my mouth. I did this to her... I did... I did... I should just be dead...

"I... I shouldn't have said anything..." I hear the nurse stutter. "Please, don't start blaming yourself, you're not to blame." I am so sick of hearing that phrase. "You didn't do it, you-" I throw my head from my hands, giving her another glare to silence her, my eyes have turned bloodshot and wet.

"I snapped her damn horn off!" I scream. "I didn't even hesitate! I just... I just... Oh god..." I cover my eyes with my hand, laying it across the bridge of my nose, as I feel a few tears breaking off from the corners of my eyes, dripping down my cheeks. I feel something make the bed shift lightly to the side, a weight pressing down on it. Removing my hand from my face, I see Nurse Sweetheart standing on her hind legs, leaning against the edge of the bed with her fore-hooves. She is looking intently at me with an expression that is both firm and gentle at the same time.

"'It' did. All of what happened was because of 'it', not you." Her voice matches her expression, firm and certain yet with a underlying gentleness and reassurance. "The blame lies not with you, and I am sure that your friends understand that and want to help you if you would let them." She sounds so sure of what she's saying. She reminds me of the talk I had with Applejack almost two weeks ago, she was also so certain of what she was talking about. And just like with Applejack, a part of me wants to put my trust in her words... But...

"I wish I could believe you..." I say with a sigh, her face turning more somber as I look away from her, staring down at myself instead. "I really do..." We just stay quiet for a little while afterwards. I know it's too late for me... No matter how much she believes her own words, it does not make them true. She eventually slides down from the bed and stands on all fours again, looking at me and waiting, trying to give me strength with her presence, but I have no strength of my own to call on. I take a slow, steadying breath.

"Thank you... For telling me the truth..." I don't look at her, but I can see her ears slightly droop in the corner of my vision. "But I would like to be alone right now... You should go home and rest... Your shift ended over four hours ago, right?" I hear her give a sad sigh.

"Alright..." Her exhaustion seems to have caught up with her, by the sound of her voice. "But I'm going to check in on you in the morning, okay?" I stay quiet for a few seconds, still not looking at her, but eventually I give her a slow nod. Taking the cart with her, I hear her make her way towards the door. When I hear her stop, I can't help but glance at her, meeting her eyes as she looks back at me. "Just... Take care, alright?" I don't given an answer. Realizing that one is not forthcoming, she eventually just turns and continues out the door, closing it behind her.

I sit there for some time, just staring at the wall in front of me yet again. Everything is silent, except the clock on the wall.

Tic - Tock - Tic - Tock

She was alive, that was something, right? But what kind of life was it? 'You have ruined me'... That's what she had said after I... Magic was second nature to unicorns... Losing their horns must be like losing one of your senses, or an artist losing his hands...

Tic - Tock - Tic - Tock

What is she doing now? What is she thinking? Is it about me, how I destroyed her? How much does she hate me? Could there even be a limit to it? I'm sorry... I'm sorry...

The ticking of the clock is slowing dying down in my ears, being replaced by another sound, a sound that chills me to the bone and makes my stomach churn. A hollow, sickening crack echoes in my mind, followed by another, and another.

Crack - Crack - Crack - Crack

I cover my ears with my hands, it is useless. I can still hear it.

Crack - Crack - Crack - Crack

I squeeze my eyes shut, pressing my palms harder against my ears. Stop, please stop. I see the fire, I swear I can even smell it. It is sizzling and crackling, a broken horn lies in the flames, magical lights shot out from it like tiny, colorful fireworks as it is consumed, over and over and over. What have I done... What have I done?

Hours pass. The sounds and visions are gone again. I don't know how much more of this I can take anymore. It's all in my mind, so why can't I block it out? I've been sitting here like a zombie, staring at nothing, absentmindedly eating the rest of my meal, somehow being able to keep it down.

I keep thinking about what Nurse Sweetheart had told me, about Trixie. I try to focus on the fact that she survived, desperately hoping to ease my guilt, with no success. All I can think about, is a broken, crying mare in the dark woods, her life ruined by a monster in the night. I knew what type of pony she had been, remembering how smug she had acted about the things I did... She seemed even pleased about what I had done to Twilight, even thanking me for it... Doesn't make me feel any less guilty though...

I look at the world outside my window. It's morning now, but there is no sun. The sky is covered by a blanket of clouds, turning everything gray. The summer is reaching its end, the days slowly growing colder as fall draws ever closer. There is a gnawing feeling in the back of my mind, an... anticipation, anxiously waiting for... something... I don't know what. The feeling has steadily been growing with each day, barely noticeable at first, now it's like an itch that comes and goes, and I don't know how to scratch it. Mixed with it all is a sense of hopelessness.

I keep staring at the window, a series of thoughts go through my mind, terrifying yet enticing. I glance down at my legs.

Nothing ventured...

I place the tray on the table next to the bed. Then, in one fluid motion I grab the covers and throw it off my body. I am wearing nothing but a pair of thin, pajama-like pants, my only choice of clothing during my stay here. Grabbing the edges of the bed with trembling fingers, I take a deep breath and hold it, steeling myself. Shuffling to the side, I slowly make my way to the edge of the bed until my legs slide off of it. Being at a height preferable by ponies, my feet unexpectedly hit the floor, sending a spike of pain all the way up my spine, making me grunt out the breath I had held on to.

I wheeze painfully between my teeth before taking another breath, moving my legs into position, the soles of my feet now pressed against the cool marble floor. I close my eyes, clenching my jaw and pressing my lips together as my body tenses up. I take a few quick, nervous breaths through my nose, then press down against the bed and floor, slowly and painstakingly forcing myself up to my feet, the whole movement accompanied by a slow, throaty groan that gradually grows louder and louder until it more resembles a growl.

Once I am upright, I am panting and grunting, beads of sweat dotting my skin. Damn this hurts. My legs and spine are burning, and my feet feels like there are shards of glass buried into my heels. My legs begin to shake, threatening to give out, I am tempted to just fall back down on the bed but I dig deep, forcing myself to stay up. I take a step forward, another shot of pain shoots along my nerves, followed by another as I take another step. Each one is like walking on glowing hot, metal nails as I slowly, but surely, make my way over to the window.

By the time I reach it, I stumble forward, pressing my hands against the cold glass to support myself, my hot breath creating a small foggy patch on the surface. My head is spinning and there are more than a few dark spots before my eyes. I just stand there for a while, breathing heavily, looking out over Ponyville as my vision gradually clears.

Steadying myself, my hand travels along the edge of the window, fingers coming into contact with the latch, unhooking it. My movements feel like they are on autopilot, my thoughts misty and unclear. Pressing my hand against the glass, I slowly push it open. A wave of cool air enters the room, washing over my sweat-covered skin. Somehow, I don't shudder at the sudden drop in temperature.

I look out over the edge. It's not a long distance to the ground, only four floors... But long enough...

My hands grip around the bottom pane of the window, my fingers clawing into it in an almost cramp-like manner. I clench my eyes shut and grit my teeth. What the hell can I do? What other option is there really for me to take at this point? I can't accept their help... I just can't... Not when I know that they can't let go of this any more than I can... I relax my jaw and calm my breathing. Once again, my thoughts grow intangible, preparing myself to be released, to free myself.

Finally...

A sudden rush of air and movement in front of me startles me out of my daze. Throwing my eyes open, a grey figure practically burst out right in front of my face from out of nowhere. Wings flapping in fast beats in the air. Golden eyes staring right into mine.

"Anon!"

"Gah!" I throw myself back. As soon as my foot hits the floor, I am met with the most painful spike yet shooting up my leg, its muscles going numb, as it gives out from under me. I tip over to the side, slumping against the wall with a loud thud, before sliding down along it, landing on my ass, giving me another, more embarrassing, wave of pain as I sit there, groaning and leaning against the wall.

I rub my leg, trying to ease the soreness coursing through it, muttering 'ow ow ow' to myself. I hear another flap of wings and the sound of something landing on the window pane. Turning my head up in its direction, I look at the figure standing there. She is staring down at me, or at least one of her eyes are, the other one is looking at a wall in the other end of the room. A worried look is plastered on her face, covered slightly by bangs of her long, bright blond mane.

"D- Derpy?" I stare at her dumbfounded, my mind still kinda processing what just happened. Her face perks up a bit when she hears her name. She jumps down from the window, landing in front of me, almost tripping over in the process. She looks over my body, then my face with sad eyes, her head tilted slightly to the side.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you" Her voice still has that childlike innocence that I remember. Most others would think of it as a sign of stupidity, but I knew better, she is just... well... Derpy. I used to find her voice endearing, but now it's like being stabbed in the heart. "Does it hurt bad?" I raise my hand, gesturing for her to calm down.

"It's alright... Just having some trouble walking." I meet her eyes, she visibly relaxes a bit. A lump settles in my throat. It is so strange to see her again, after all this time. She looks the same as always, like nothing's changed. What is going on? Why is she even here?

"I've been so, so, sooo worried! I visited before, but you were sleeping and nopony knew when you would wake up." She gives me as small frown. "And then, when I came back a few days later, they wouldn't let me in! Saying I couldn't see you." She gives a harrumph, scrunching her nose. Yup, still the same alright.

"It's not their fault, Derpy." She tilts her head at me again, giving me and the ceiling a quizzical look. "I told them not to let anyone in." She blinks, it takes about a second or two before she pulls her head back, looking a bit shocked, then sad, her ears drooping and her eyes lowering, one now focusing on the floor and the one previously examining the ceiling now looking at me, sorta, instead.

"Oh..." She says quietly. "Was it the muffin? I hadn't baked in a long time, so I understand if it wasn't very good..." It's my turn to look shocked, blinking a few times.

"What? N- No no, that's not it." I stammer. "I... didn't get a chance to eat it, I'm afraid... It had gone stale by the time I woke up..." I give her am apologetic look. I think back to how I had just carelessly thrown it away, along with the rest of the gifts left for me. The guilt over that is nothing compared to what I am already feeling though. Derpy... You shouldn't be here... Don't you understand what I've done to you? She raises her eyes slightly, but they are still just as sad.

"That's okay... But why wouldn't you let me see you then?" What is she going on about? Why would she even... I let out a sigh.

"Derpy... Why would you want to see me?" She averts her eyes to the side, looking away from me, as she sits down, contemplating the floor as she rubs her foreleg. She doesn't answer me. "I haven't seen you in almost a year... I thought you hated me... After what I did, you should hate me... So why are you here, why now?" I can already see her eyes go wet. My heart bleeds at the sight, I don't want to see her cry. Why couldn't she just have stayed away. No tears come from her eyes though. She just stays quiet for a few moments.

"When you attacked me... I was so sad... I thought; 'Why? What is wrong with me? Why couldn't I just have any friends?'" She sniffs, but keeps fighting back any tears. "I thought you hated me, that I had done something wrong... Why else did you do what you did? Or where you just like all the other stallions..." She trails of, taking a few shuddering breaths to try to compose herself. In my mind, I see a crying mare lying on the floor, shouting... 'Why does this always happen to me?'

"That day..." I start, my throat suddenly feeling very dry. "You said it had happened to you before..." She sniffs again, giving a small nod but still keep her eyes nailed to the floor.

"Yes... I don't know why stallions keep doing this to me... When I came to Ponyville, I thought those days were over. I didn't have any friends, but no one was mean to me either... It made me so happy when you became my friend. But then... That day happened... I was too afraid to leave my house for more than a few minutes... And I was so sad, I couldn't even bake any muffins to make me feel better. You can't make muffins while sad..."

"No... I suppose not..."

"I didn't talk to anypony, didn't pay attention to anything that was happening. Then, one day, I hear that you're back in town, living here again. I was so scared, I thought you would come for me again. I would hide inside my house for weeks and did everything I could to make sure you wouldn't see me when I left it. I did this for months, until I couldn't take it anymore and just locked myself in." She finally looks back at me again. She... She is smiling at me.

"Then somepony came by my house to check on me... It was that carrot farmer, Carrot Top. Have you met her? She has been very nice to me." I give a short nod, I had shopped at her stall at the marketplace before. Her smile widens at bit, before dropping as she peers at me with sorrowful eyes. "That was when I finally heard what had happened to you... What had really happened. I was confused first, then happy." She tries to smile again, but it is a sad one. "My friend hadn't really hurt me, it wasn't his fault, and he was back. But then I got sad again... You needed help... And I hadn't been there... Because I had been too stupid to find out what had happened, because I was too busy hiding... I thought about seeing you, but I didn't know what to say... I just kept waiting and waiting... And then I heard that you were in the hospital..." She swallows hard, a few tears finally escapes her now puffy eyes. She quickly wipes them away with one of her hooves before looking down at the floor again.

"I'm sorry..." My eyes bulge in surprise at that. There is a vise grip over my chest, choking me. I have been holding my breath without noticing, letting it go, slowly. I want to reach out to her, but I don't dare to. She should not be apologizing for anything. She had been a wonderful friend... And I had hurt her... She should not apologize...

"Please... Don't say that..." She lifts her head in my direction, her face has look of surprise on it. We look at each other for a moment, before I let out a sigh. "Derpy... Please... I hurt you... I hurt you so bad. Don't say sorry. I broke our friendship, and I don't think I can fix it." It is me that is now looking down at the floor, gazing over the marble texture. "Twilight, Applejack, Pinkie... They've tried to help me... Trying to say that they forgive me... Saying they're sorry... But it's too late... And I just can't hear it anymore..." My voice breaks and I clear my throat. I keep thinking back and forth between the conversations I've had lately, how I almost started hoping, just to come crashing back to reality. I can't do it again.

"I'm sorry, Derpy... For everything... But I just can't listen to any more of this..." I pull me knees up and wrap my arms around them, staring holes into the floor, refusing to look up. The wind outside and the clock on the wall are the only sounds for a long time. I don't know what her reaction is, I can't look at her. I rub the side of my face, trailing my fingers over my still fresh scar, down my cheek, and through the scruffy beard that still adorns my face.

"Okay." I hear her speak up eventually, her voice very calm and even. "Then you talk." I feel my jaw go limp as my brain register her words. With what I must think is a pretty stupid look on my face I very slowly raise my head until I can see her soft, golden eyes again. The grey pegasus is still sitting in her spot, with a reassuring smile on her face. "You talk and I listen. It helps to talk about a problem, you know."

I keep blinking my eyes, my confused look still stuck on my face. My mind fumbles around. I'm not sure how long I sit like that before finally looking at her somberly, shaking my head slowly from side to side.

"What is there for me to say? You already know the story..." She also shakes her head and gives me another smile, looking at me compassionately.

"Not about what happened. Tell me how you feel." She draws out the last word, putting weight on it. I stare at her, then back down to the floor once more. How I feel? What do I feel? What emotion haven't I experienced lately? There is so much, where would I even begin? I take a deep breath through my nose, events both recent and distant passing through my mind.

"I... I feel lost, like there is nowhere for me to go, no place where I belong. I have no friends left, I am all alone. Everywhere I look, I see the fear and anger of those around me, judging me. To them I might as well still be the monster I was. They can't forget, and neither can I... I am haunted by what happened, day and night, I can't escape the memories. I can't sleep... I hardly eat... There is only this emptiness inside of me. Everything I cared about, all that I had fought for in this world, lost... Just taken from me...

"I feel angry... It's not fair... I didn't want any of this to happen... Why can't they see that? My friends were hurt, and I can't do anything about it... Because it was me who hurt them... But I didn't want this. This is not how things were supposed to be. I want my life back, but I can't. Because they fear me, because this world won't let me... I hate it... I hate them... I hate this world!"

I can feel how my eyes are starting to water, but I refuse to cry. No, I won't... For once, something will do as I say. I won't cry, I won't. I move my arms up my legs, resting them on my knees as I fold them, digging my nails into my upper arms.

"And I hate myself... I AM the monster... A freak... I should have done more to stop this... I was hurting my friends... Their pain and sorrow, that's on my hands... If I had just kept my mouth shut and kept my hormones in check, none of this would have happened. Why couldn't I stop this? Why was I so damn weak? Why!? I can't even look at myself anymore... I disgust myself... You, Twilight, Pinkie, Scootaloo... This wouldn't have happened to any of you if it wasn't for me.

"And..." My voice trembles and fails, but I am still fighting back any tears. I cough and clear my throat. "I'm afraid... terrified... What am I supposed to do? I just keep going in circles... And my nightmares... I feel so helpless. And my friends, when they said they forgave me... I wanted to believe them so badly. But now... I am too scared to hope. And what if it happens again? I am scared of myself... What if I end up hurting someone again? I can't take it... I don't want to hurt anyone. But I will... I know I will... And I can't stop it... I always hurt everyone around me... Always..."

My voice trails off into a whisper at the end before dying out completely. There is silence in the room again. My eyes are stinging by this point, but I won't cry. I clench them shut as hard as I can. I keep taking slow, trembling breaths. My backside has gone numb from sitting on the cold, hard floor, but I ignore it. My throat feels itchy and my nose is a bit stuffy, but I won't cry, dammit. Derpy does not say anything or make a sound. It feels like several minutes pass in silence before the sound of hooves against the floor make their way closer to me, stopping at my side.

Every fiber of my being is screaming at me to keep my eyes shut, but I find myself ignoring it as I lift my head. Slowly opening my aching eyes, I see Derpy sitting beside me, facing me. Her eyes are properly aligned, something I've rarely seen, and shimmering with tears, but on her lips is as smile, soft and tender. Slowly she raises one of her hooves and reaches out to me. I flinch and pull away.

"Please..." My voice is quiet and practically begging as I pull my hands close to my chest, balling myself up to avoid her touch. I don't want to hurt her. I look pleadingly into her eyes. Her smile only grows softer, but she stops her hoof, holding it in the air halfway between us. My eyes dart between it and her eyes as my breathing quickens.

"It's okay." She says in a quiet, soothing voice, more nurturing and mature than the usually childlike voice I associate her with. "You won't hurt me." I keep looking back and forth between her face and her hoof, still hovering in the same place. Everything else in the world seems to fade away until there is only me and her. I can feel my heartbeat in my chest. It is surprisingly calm, beating evenly and regularly. My breathing slows down, becoming more steady. I focus on her hoof, looking so inviting yet so daunting at the same time.

My hand stirs and I lift my arm, and ever so slowly I begin to reach out to her. It is an agonizing pace, moving barely in inch at a time. The small distance between us feels like an eternity as my hand draws closer and closer, yet she just sits there, not moving away or towards me, patiently waiting as she looks at me with that sweet smile on her lips. As I start closing in on her hoof, my fingers begin to tremble, eventually spreading up my arm and out the rest of my body. My breathing becomes more labored as well, but manages to keep it's steady pace.

When her hoof is practically within my reach, I stop. My fingers are trembling even worse now. I look between my hand and her hoof, it is so close. I try to will myself to push forward and close the small gap between them... But I can't... I just can't... I lower my eyes to the floor as I release a tired breath, my fingers curling inwards as I lightly clench them into a fist. I can't do it... I can't risk hurting her... I'm sorry... I can't...

I am shaken from my thoughts when I suddenly feel something lightly touch against my fingers, so small it would hardly be noticeable. I lift my eyes. Derpy is holding the tip of her hoof against my clenched hand in the most softest of touches. I meet her eyes. she is still smiling at me, the kindness in it soothes the storm of emotions inside of me. Carefully and tenderly, she starts putting pressure on my hand, coaxing my fingers to slowly open, sliding over the fur of her hoof as she moves it into my palm, until my finger are draped over her hoof.

As we sit there, her hoof in my hand, I feel something welling up inside of me. I squeeze her hoof like a lifeline as I feel it building, a torrent rising up, until I can hold back no longer.

I loose it. The tears I have been fighting against pour down my face like a ruptured dam, my whole body convulsing from my sobbing and wailing. Still holding on to her hoof, I bury my face in my knees. I have cried so much lately, but this was different. Before it had been like I was being choked by the world around me bearing down on me, every time I cried feeling like it was just squeezing me tighter and tighter into a corner, but now I felt a sense of release; months worth of pain and grief that had been building and festering inside of me finally being released in wave after wave of tears.

I can feel her other hoof wrapping around my back, her wings closing around the both of us as she pulls me into a warm embrace, leaning her head into the nape of my neck. She doesn't say anything, she just keeps holding me while I cry and cry.

I don't know how long it takes before I finally stop wailing, calming down to where I am just breathing slow and heavy, occasionally making a quiet sniffle. Even then, we must have been sitting here for more than an hour at least, with her just holding on to me. I feel tired and my head feels a bit heavy from all the crying. I am not thinking about anything in particular, just trying to find comfort in this one peaceful moment.

Eventually though, we break our embrace. My face is all wet. I wipe it with my arm to try and get rid of the worst of it.

Getting up from the floor was a bit of a hassle, but Derpy helped me get back on my feet painlessly enough. After that we just look at each other in silence. She has kept her smile on her face, but it seems a bit more... hopeful now. I don't smile, but that's nothing new. There is a lightness in my chest, but my mind is still a mess. It had been a freeing experience, but there where still many uncertainties plaguing me. For her sake though, I try not to show it. She looks out the window, then back at me again.

"I have to go... I'm already late for work." Her smile falters a bit, a hint of hesitation in her eyes. I give her a nod of my head.

"It's alright, I'm in good hooves here. You should be going now..." I scratch the back of my neck awkwardly. "And hey... Thanks, Derpy... I'll see you around." Her face softens at that, giving me a nod of her own, before jumping up to the window pane. She flexes her wings a few times, then turns her head back to me.

"Make sure you get better, alright? I miss your smile." She flashes me a toothy grin before taking off, flying away towards Ponyville. I stand there for a while, watching her drift away, her flight pattern a bit erratic as she keeps swerving from side to side, but generally traveling in her intended direction.

When she is nothing but a grey speck against an equally grey sky, I lower my gaze, looking down over the same edge as before. It was... frightening to think about. It had felt like I was walking in a dream, not really here but looking through someone else's eyes. Had Derpy not been there... What would I have done? Was I really going to... I shudder, and not from the cool air. I reach out and pull back the window. Just as I am about to close it I hear the door opening behind me.

"Hello? How are we feeling toda-" I turn my head and look back at the source of that familiar voice. Nurse Sweetheart is standing in the doorway, staring at me with surprise clearly written on her face. Awkward... She narrows her eyes, giving me a scolding frown.

"Anon! What did I tell you about trying to walk on your own?" Oh boy, this was a different kind of motherly voice. The scolding, angry mother voice.

"I just needed some fresh air." I lie, closing the window shut and securing it with the latch. "Besides.." I grunt as I start making my way to the bed. Still hurts just as much. Nurse Sweetheart trots over to me to support me, helping me make the trek over. With an immense feeling of relief, I sit down on the bed, freeing my legs, not to mention my back, from their burden. "I thought you would take the chance to sleep in, considering how late you worked last night. Don't tell me your next shift has already started." She places her head behind my legs and lifts them up from the floor, guiding them over and laying them on the bed, turning the rest of me with them so I am now in my regular sitting position on the bed. She huffs at me and walks around the bed to the other side.

"No, my shift doesn't start until this afternoon. I do plan to get back home and rest up some more before then, but I told you I would check up on you in the morning, remember?" She grabs the blanket with her teeth and throws it over my lower body, landing perfectly across the bed. Years of practice I suppose. "So..." She clears her throat and straightens the cap on her head. "How are you feeling?" Her voice softens and there is a hint of worry on her face. I look down over my body, then out the window, gazing at the sky before meeting Sweetheart's eyes.

"I'm feeling better, thank you." My voice is sincere, if not any more uplifting than usual, though some of the heaviness behind it has lifted. She actually looks a bit surprised by this.

"Really?" I nod.

"I... had a visitor." She looks even more surprised now, eyeing my face a bit incredulously.

"I thought you didn't want any visitors?" I give a quick glance at the window, then back at her.

"I made an exception... Just this once." I give her a level lock, letting her know that I don't want this to become an excuse for her to let other unexpected visitors pop in. She gives me a teasing smile, catching on to my meaning, before it softens into that motherly one she so likes to use.

"So, was it a nice visit?" I think back to the pegasus mare, the talk we had, how she listened, how she held me.

"Yeah... It was." Her smile widens a bit as she gives me a small nod. We both stay silent for a while, looking at each other, thought I avert my eyes eventually when I start feeling a little awkward about it. I hear her giggle quietly into her hoof. I roll my eyes, but otherwise ignore it. Instead, I look over to the tray I had placed on the bedside table. I think about the sandwiches she had served me. She said she had made them herself, didn't she?

"Can I get you anything? Maybe something to drink?" I turn back to her at the sound of her voice. I think about it for a little while, ponderously looking over the floor before raising my eyes to meet hers again. Can't hurt to ask.

"You wouldn't happen to have some of Sweet Apple Acres' apple juice, would you?" She gives me a big smile.

"Just give me a minute and I'll get one for you." She turns and start making her way back to the door. I look down at the bed, today's events replaying in my mind, as well as some other things that have happened over the last weeks. Looking back at the nurse, I hesitate, biting my lip as she is almost past the doorway.

"Sweetheart." She stops in surprise from hearing me using her name without the 'nurse'. As she turns to look at me, she is smiling softly at me. I hesitate again before continuing. "I have another question that I need an honest answer to." Her smile falters at this, averting her eyes for a moment, considering her answer with no small amount of hesitation on her face. Looking back at me, she finally sighs in defeat before giving me a nod.

"Alright." She says with some apprehension. I fidget around with my fingers nervously, before taking a breath to steel myself.

"Do you... Do you think it is possible to heal a broken bond? That... That past mistakes can be forgiven?" She blinks at me a few times, not saying anything for several seconds, though to me it almost feels like hours as I wait for her while she just stares at me dumbfounded. Eventually though, she gives me one of her kind, motherly smiles.

"Always." She says calmly. I look at her for a moment, trying to gauge her sincerity. When I am certain of it, I turn my eyes back down to the bed, giving a few slow nods as her words sink into me. As I hear her leave, I am left with many things to think about. I am not sure what to do with her answer... At least, not yet...

Looking back outside the window once more, I let my eyes wander over the town, scanning the buildings and the streets, thinking about what could or could not be waiting for me out there.

A few rays of sunlight have penetrated the grey clouds above, shedding their light on the town below.

Nothing ventured...

Author's Notes:

Tada!
Dang, I almost managed to keep my deadline set for me in my blog entry.
Well... I suppose it's still Monday in some time-zones

Sorry it took so long to make this, but you've already heard all the excuses, so let's skip all that. I will try harder though to get the next chapter out sooner, as long as it doesn't feel rushed to me. Don't want any of that nonsense.

It felt good to get to write some more heartwarming scenes this time... Though there is still plenty of grim-dark in here I guess...
But hey! Look! Derpy!

Also, notice anything different with the layout? Added indentations at the beginning of each paragraph. Looks a bit nicer, yeah? Think I'll go back to my earlier chapters and add them there as well, what do you think?

~~Fun~~ Fact: The dream sequence in the beginning is actually partly based on two of the worst nightmares I have ever had, one of which left me emotionally distraught for an entire day. Did give me some inspiration now though, so it finally did some good I guess, only had to wait about 16 years for that...
My nightmares aren't really all that scary... They're just incredibly unnerving and twisted... Luckily, I hardly ever get nightmares... So... yay?

Also, 713 views, 71 likes, 79 favorites and 143 comments! Wow!
Thank you, all of you! (And no! I will never stop thanking all of you at every chance I get.)

It all means so much for me, as I'm sure you've all heard me say many times now.
And of course, I will continue to appreciate any comments or feedback you have!

I don't think I have that much else to say, so until next time!

~Red Angel

Chapter 5 - Yearning For What Has Been Lost

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Chapter 5 - Yearning For What Has Been Lost
By: Red Angel

I am running.

My heart is pounding. The sound of my footsteps against the marble floor echo through the darkness of the great hallway, cool air caressing my naked skin, the ceiling is so far away I cannot even see it. Large pillars bearing down on me like shadowy sentinels as I rush past them. Tapestries and stained glass windows depicting scenes of blood and depravities adorn the walls, the glass illuminated by some unidentifiable source of light that somehow fails to part the shadows around me.

Behind me, a cacophony of sounds hound me. A combination of thunderous stomps and shrieking scrapes in the distance. And the screams... The screams... Ringing out, distorted and twisted, demanding justice, a sacrifice of blood to sate their fury and satisfy the need for retribution. A symphony of rage and pain.

I run, but there is no escape, no place where I will find sanctuary. Some debts must be paid, blood for blood. I know this, yet I keep running.

I see the end of the hallway, a set of giant doors, dark and foreboding. The sound of my invisible pursuers grows larger in volume as I close in on them. The doors beckon for me and I answer. I throw them open, pushing the gargantuan doors apart like they were made out of air as I stride past them. I freeze in place by the sight that greets me.

A great throne room... And light, all-encompassing white light, emanating from the throne atop a large flight of stairs, as if the sun itself was sitting there. It is blinding, yet somehow I cannot tear my eyes from it, nor do I need to shield them. The screaming fades away, as if banished by the light. A figure stands in the center of it, regal and proud, her wings flared and her head held high, a long horn visible on her forehead as her body forms a silhouette against the light behind her, her features hidden by shadows created from the backlight.

I fall to my hands and knees at the bottom of the steps, surrendering myself to this godlike being. Tears are streaming down my face. I cry and beg for forgiveness. I can not hear my own voice, I do not know if she hears my words. Though I cannot see her eyes, hidden as they are in the silhouette masking her face, I can feel them on me, measuring me... Judging me.

From the chill crawling down my spine I know that she has found me wanting.

She descends down the stairs, slowly and methodically, her poise and movement befitting royalty as she practically glides over the steps like a setting sun, her ethereal mane and tail of pastel light billowing as if caressed by some phantom breeze. Dread builds up in me as she draws ever closer, like a pendulum slowly descending down upon me. Once more I cry my pleas for forgiveness and once more neither sound can be heard nor any sign to be seen of my words being recognized by my judge.

I cannot run anymore... I cannot even move. My body is frozen by the sheer overbearing power of her presence. My soundless cries have turned into equally quiet whimpers before my struggles and begging finally dies down. She is standing in front of me now, her features still hidden from me by the light as I stare with teary eyes into her face, still feeling her gaze in my very soul. I try to whisper one last apology as my body slumps and I raise my hands, pleading one final time with this divine judge. I do not know if she hears me.

Her horn illuminates with golden light. I can feel heat building inside of me. Looking down at my hands and body I see smoke seeping out from my pores as my skin begins to sizzle and boil. Black liquid oozes out from my body, evaporating as soon as it hits the floor. I stare at my judge, trying to scream for forgiveness once more, to beg her to stop, but my lungs are on fire, burning my throat as more smoke escapes my mouth. She merely stands there, unmoved and motionless, staring at me as flames ruptures through my skin, enveloping me.

And as the flames consume me, I try to scream... But there is only...

Silence.

I can't see. Everything is like a dark haze, my heart beating like a jackhammer and my breathing going almost as fast as I thrash around in panic. Where am I? I am screaming incoherently, my mind failing to focus through the mist in my head, only pure instinct guides me and it wants to break loose. Something is leaning over me, pressing its weight against me, it's making sounds, nothing but noise in my ears, can hardly hear it. Get away from me!

I lash out with my arm, grabbing blindly at blurry shadows in my vision. My fingers coil around something soft and smooth, fur brushing against my skin. I constrict my fingers around it, putting pressure along the surface. It starts thrashing around. I feel something press against my arm, trying to push it away, but my grip is like steel, digging my fingers into the surface harder and harder. The noise changes, growing weaker. A low growl vibrates in the back of my throat, panic driving me primal with a mix of fear and rage. Leave me alone! Why won't they just leave me alone!?

"A- Anon..." One word pierces the haze of my mind. The voice is strained, almost garbled, before it breaks off into pained gasps and gagging. Something lights up in my head like a flare, the feeling is almost overwhelming as my senses return to me like a rushing flood by the voice. I... I know that voice...

As if a veil had been lifted from my eyes my vision returns like a flash of light and I find myself staring into a pair of blue eyes, squinting and unfocused with tears forming in the corners. Bangs of purple and white striped hair have come loose from its neatly tied bun and are sticking against sweat soaked, light purple fur. The usually ever present cap is nowhere to be seen on her head.

Nurse Sweetheart?

Her face is contorted in pain and is a darker shade than usual. Her mouth hanging wide open, making short, desperate gasps. She is standing on her hind legs, her fore hooves wrapped around my arm.

My hand is around her throat.

My eyes widen as I release my grip, pulling my hand away so fast I almost fall out of the bed. She falls back, landing on her flank. She places one of her hooves against the floor to steady herself as she sits hunched over, using the other hoof to massage her throat, coughing and taking huge, trembling breaths of air, trying to refill her lungs with as much as she can.

My own breath is stuck in my throat as I just stare at her, horrified. Where had she come from? Why did I...? I couldn't even see her, I couldn't focus, there was just this... This haze, anger and fear, then she was there. I didn't know what I was doing, I wasn't thinking. I just... I just...

"S- Sweetheart?" My voice is quivering from the shock and adrenaline. I hardly even notice how drenched I am in sweat. "Sweetheart, I'm- I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to- I didn't know it was you! I swear, I didn't know what was happening! Please, I'm sorry! I- I-"

My eyes are watering as my pleading grows more desperate, hopelessly trying to find some words to explain what I had done. All it takes to silence my rambling is her lifting her hoof from her throat and giving me a calming wave of her fore leg, her head still leaning down but her breathing more controlled, if somewhat raspy and peppered with a few quieter coughs.

It is not her gesture that silences me though. On her neck, now unobstructed by her hoof, I can see deep, dark bruises; five of them...

I look down at my hand, my fingers are trembling in quick, twitching movements that appear almost cramp-like, my entire arm is so tense it aches, but I ignore it. Dirty... It's dirty. I feel disgusted just looking at it, it makes my skin crawl.

"I'm okay-" Her voice, hoarse and strained, manages to barely utter those words before she is cut off by another coughing fit. My eyes are drawn to her again as she clears her throat several times, punctuated by one final cough. Raising herself back up on all fours, she meets my eyes. She tries to give me a reassuring smile, but it looks strained on her pained face. "It's alright."

Her voice is only slightly more steady, but still sore enough to make her words painfully contradictory. The bruises are even more visible to me now. Tearing my eyes away, I look back at my hand again. I grip it with my other one to try to stop the shaking. No success. I'm biting my lip, fighting back the rising urge to cry. I have no right to, I'm not the one who was hurt. I scan my eyes over the cuts around my wrists, the ones from the leather straps, now dried up into stale red lines. I can't help but wishing they had been deep enough to loose my hand. This dirty hand...

"Hey..." I hear Sweetheart try to soothingly whisper, though it comes of as more like a wheeze. A pair of hooves reaches out and touches my arm. My heart practically stops the moment I feel them against my skin and my mind goes blank. I yank my arm away, hugging it to my chest, and I look at her with pleading eyes, like a whipped dog cowering. "Okay, okay." She tries to reassure me again, opting to rest her hooves lightly on the edge of the bed instead.

"I'm sorry..." I meekly whisper. A concerned frown forms on her lips before she tries to give me a comforting smile.

"You were having another nightmare. I tried to wake you and... Well..." She trails off, looking down at her hooves for a moment, her smile faltering, before meeting my eyes again. She keeps making tiny grunting noises, even as she talks, trying to clear her throat to ease the soreness. It eventually does improve, but only slightly, her voice sounding a little less strained as she goes on, her head tilted slightly to the side with an understanding look in her eyes. "I know it wasn't your fault, that you didn't mean to hurt me. You don't have to apologize to me. You did nothing wrong-"

"Nothing wrong?" My face twist into a disbelieving scowl as I cut her off with an incredulous anger in my voice, making her flinch. "I almost choked you to death and there's 'nothing wrong'? Why do you ponies keep trying to pretend like nothing's happened? And why were you here!?" The volume of my voice raises a few notches. Sweetheart's ears droop down and she pulls back from me, removing her hooves from my bed and sitting down on her haunches again. She lowers her head slightly and looks up at me with sorrowful eyes, but doesn't say anything. I am too wound up to really notice.

"How many times do I have to say that I don't want your help!? How long before you get it through your skull that you'll just end up even more hurt, or worse? Huh!? How long?" I feel my eyes growing closer to the verge of tears as my anger settles in my chest like a jagged root, choking and spurring me at the same time. My trembling body feels hot, almost feverish, and there is a pressure in the back of my head. "If you'd stopped acting like a stubborn idiot and listened - Just. Fucking. Listened! - and stayed the hell away from me this wouldn't have happened! I wouldn't have hurt you! I wouldn't have almost... Almost..."

My outburst dies down, though I can still feel my pulse racing. I look down at my hand again, now resting in my lap. The memory of fur and soft flesh yielding under my grip feels almost distant in my mind, like it had just been another dream. But I knew that it had happened... And if I had not regained my senses in time... I shudder, I feel like I'm going to be sick... I tear my eyes away from my hand and turn towards Sweetheart again.

She is just sitting there, head hung low, not making a move or a sound, her lips pursed tightly shut and her ears pressed against her head. She just keeps eyeing the floor with sad, forlorn eyes.

The anger drains right out of me at the sight, being replaced with a horribly cold feeling in my gut. I feel like I had just slapped her with every word I had uttered. I scream curses at myself in my head. The nausea is getting so strong it practically hurts, like an ice-cold blade twisting in my stomach.

"I-I..." I stutter, "I'm sorry. I didn't- I didn't mean-"

"It's okay..." She finally speaks up, her voice still raw and there is a slight tremble in her words. She doesn't lift her head, or even look up at me, keeping her eyes aimed down. "I understand..." She scans her eyes along the floor, before coming to a rest on something at the edge of my bed. Standing up on all fours, she reaches down and plucks the object up in her hoof. It is her nurse cap. She places it back on it's spot on her head, then just stands there quietly for a few seconds, still refusing to meet my eyes.

"I'll... I'll just go... There are still a few things that need to be squared away... Paperwork and such... The doctor would want to see you one last time... I'll just go and get it done and over with..." She turns around and walks away from me, every step she takes sends a cold shiver through my mind... A feeling of dread, like I was about to loose something... But what? "Today's the big day after all... Wouldn't want to keep it waiting..." With those last, heavy words she disappears out the door, closing it softly behind her.

I sit there for what feels like minutes, just staring at the door, waves of guilt crashing against my chest. What is wrong with me? First I almost kill her, then I yell at her? I really am just one screw-up after the other, aren't I? I let loose a long, tired sigh.

The big day... That was what today was supposed to be... I have been here for two weeks now since I woke up after the attack. Four days since Derpy visited me. Four days of learning how to walk again. Struggling until I could finally move around without crippling pain. Though my body still feels tender and after a while the aches start coming back, I can actually walk some distances now before it becomes a problem.

And now, the day had come where I would finally be out of here. The big day, like Sweetheart said... But I feel no joy, no sense of accomplishment over having endured this trial and the pain. Instead, I find my mind drifting to other things; specifically, two days ago...

"What do you want from me?" I mutter, almost growl, annoyance clear in my voice. I am leaning against the wall for support as I stand in front of the window of my room, looking out, my back towards the mare I am talking to, her reflection visible in the glass surface. Outside, it is raining. It rains often during this time of the year. "I am healing. I can walk on my own. What more do you want?" A frown spread across the reflection of her face.

"I just want to help you!" Nurse Sweetheart states, raising her voice; I can hear the exasperation in it, as well as see it on her face. We've been at this little argument for about twenty minutes now. I have been improving, shouldn't that be enough for her? "And you are healing physically, yes." She takes a deep breath, calming herself before continuing with a more concerned tone, her face softening. "I had hoped that after your surprise visit that you would open up more, so that we could hopefully try to deal with the real source of your pain."

"What? That there's something wrong with my head? Think you can fix me, nurse?" Her face falters somewhat, though I'm not sure if it's the venom in my voice or the fact that I used 'nurse' instead of her name that is the cause, maybe it's a bit of both. "So eager to prick and prod my brain, analyzing me."

"I'm not trying to analyze you, you..." She stops herself before giving the floor an irritated stomp with her hoof. Her cap sits a bit crooked on her head, shifted to the side. She has to take a few more breaths this time, eyes closed as her face visibly shifts into the very picture of patience as she collects herself a second time while she readjusts her cap to its proper position. She opens her eyes again, looking pleadingly at the back of my head, seemingly trying to will me to turn and look at her. I don't.

"You can't face this alone, as much as you'd want to. You need somepony to help you, somepony who might be able to understand your plight." I know what she's trying to say, a part of me knows she's right. I raise my hand to the window, touching my fingertips against the cool glass, absentmindedly trailing them along its surface, making lines in the condensation building around the edges.

"Someone like you? You could never understand... No one can..." My voice is lower, but my annoyance still just as clear as before.

"No one can unless you let us understand. You are of no danger to anyone, but no one can see that if you keep pushing ponies away..."

"Shut up..."

"Please, as not just your nurse but as a friend, I'm worried about-" Finally I turn to face her, pivoting around so quickly I almost fall over as pain shoots out across my still healing spine. My teeth are bared and gritted, my face contorted into a look of pure rage as I drill my eyes into hers, shocking her into silence as she takes a step back and lifts her hoof of the floor, holding it in front of her chest. My fists are clenched so tight my knuckles have grown white.

"You are not my friend!" I bellow at her furiously before the room falls terribly silent, my heavy breathing being the only discernible sound. She is staring wide-eyed at me, disbelievingly, her mouth slightly agape. There is something in her eyes that makes my heart stop and feel like it's crawled into my throat, the shock in her face seeming hauntingly familiar to me. The anger washes from my face, being replaced by an expression that almost matches hers, the impact of my own words dawning on me.

I can't face her anymore and turn back to the window, not even being able to look at her reflection, opting instead to just close my eyes entirely, once again trying to shut the world out. It feels like we're standing there for an eternity in silence. Her face, her expression. I can see it in my mind, no matter how hard I shut my eyes I can't stop seeing it. The hurting, the sense of betrayal... It reminds me of...

"Sweetheart?" I finally speak up, my voice weak, almost timid. No answer. Turning my head, I look back. She is gone. I hang my head, releasing a shuddering breath. I hadn't even heard her leave. My body suddenly feels cold and numb, the look in her eyes still burned in my mind, chilling me to my very core.

That look... It reminded me of the ones my friends gave me... The moment I betrayed them...

I am so sorry... I don't know what I am doing. This unease I've been feeling... It's just been growing... And this anger... You don't deserve that, Sweetheart. No one did. I am just... Afraid... Afraid of what I am, what I'm capable of. I can't help but feel like something terrible is going to happen and it will be my fault. Again... I can't handle that, I just can't... I'm sorry...

I feel a wetness in my lap. Peering down, I look at the hand resting there. It is covered in blood, blotches of dark crimson soaking my covers. I throw my hand out, trying to hold it as far away from me as I can, my breath hitching in my throat as I stare in wide-eyed terror.

There is no blood, neither fresh nor dried, on my skin, save for my healing cuts along the wrist. I look down, my covers are the same white they've always been, no red, just a few tiny, wet spots. I realize they are tears, having fallen from my face without me noticing as they dripped down my cheeks. I keep staring between my hand and the covers, bewildered, my heart pounding fiercely in my chest.

An all to familiar feeling takes over me, rising in my stomach, pushing upwards. Frantically, I lean over the edge of my bed, scrambling under it with my hands. Feeling metal against my fingers, I grab hold of the object, a bucket, and pull it out from under my bed. I almost miss my intended target, just barely placing my head over the bucket as I start throwing up in it instead of on the floor.

I sit there, leaning over awkwardly, vomiting up more contents than I think I actually had in my stomach. It is painful and I have no chance to breathe between each cascade that escapes my mouth, each one accompanied by disgusting sounds of retching and heaving. By the time I am just spitting up bile, my vision is blurry and spotty, my lack of oxygen making me feel like I'm about to pass out. Somehow, I manage to keep myself conscious, despite how the room keeps rocking left and right, making my head spin. My nose feels stuffy and there are pieces of... something stuck in my scraggly beard.

I cough and spit to get any remnants out of my mouth, wiping my lips against my arm before letting myself flop down on the bed, lying there spent and exhausted, waiting for the dizziness to subside.

Again with these... These visions, or hallucinations, or whatever. Will they ever stop? How long before I can no longer distinguish between what is real and what is just in my head? And how long can I keep them secret? I am going insane, there is no way to deny it, and sooner or later someone will witness one of my episodes and realize it too; and then, they will fear me even more.

Two hours later and I feel like I'm about to climb the walls. I am sitting on the edge of the bed, looking towards the window, my heel thumping repeatedly in quick rhythm against the marble floor and my fingers interlocked with each other to try to keep them from fidgeting around. Two weeks in this room, yet now when I am moments away from being rid of it, now I start feeling antsy? I'm not even sure why, part of me has dreaded having to leave, to go back out there. At least here there are fewer ponies walking around.

Am I nervous because I don't want to leave? That's stupid... There will be even less ponies in my home, so if that's what's making me hesitate I should be ecstatic to return home. So what is it then? What could possible compel me to want to remain in this hospital? My presence here is hardly welcome, the staff is probably relieved to have me out of their manes finally.

I had sneaked away to the bathrooms once the room had stopped spinning in my head, emptying and cleaning the bucket, as well as washed my face and mouth, leaving no trace of my little... accident. I have been doing this since I regained the use of my legs, every time my nausea overcame me, I would clean up before anyone noticed. I didn't want to give Sweetheart more things to fuss over, running the risk of keeping me here longer for any more treatments. I just wanted to get out of here, or so I thought before this uneasiness gripped me. I've managed to avoid getting caught; seems like there is not much activity in this part of the hospital. Probably because it's my part.

I am pulled out from my thoughts by the sound of the door opening and the clopping of hooves. Turning my head, I see Doctor Stable and Nurse Sweetheart enter the room. The doctor is holding a clipboard suspended in the air with his magical grip, stopping to push his glasses up along his muzzle as he flips through the papers with practiced scrutiny, humming quietly, too preoccupied to even spare me a glance.

Sweetheart is not wearing her cap, and a white scarf is wrapped around her neck, effectively hiding the bruises on her neck from view. I instantly feel a lump in my chest, I want to look away, but my eyes are drawn to what she is carrying in her mouth. Two packages, wrapped up in paper of a vivid purple color, one small and looks to be holding something soft, the other one long and rigid, both of them tied up together with red silk wrapping, that she is biting onto in order to carry it, tied into a large bow. What in the...?

"So, ready for the big day? Finally glad to be out of here at last, I assume?" The doctor's voice draws my attention, finally looking up from the clipboard, meeting my eyes with a smile that feels a bit forced. There is just the tiniest hint of trepidation in his words. Out of the two of us, I can guess who's more happy that this day has come. I hide those thoughts, as usual, and I don't answer either. The questions were obviously rhetorical. Sweetheart walks over to my bed and places the packages down on it, releasing them from her mouth and taking a few steps back with a little smile, one that is a little more sad than her usual ones. I eye the packages one more time before standing up on my feet, accompanied by a few grunts, my body protesting slightly by reminding me how tender it still feels.

"What's this?" I say while tilting my head at the packages. The doctor gives one small glance at them before meeting my eyes again.

"Those were left here for you several days ago, by miss Rarity. She said to give them to you when you where cleared to check out of the hospital." I raise my eyebrows, creasing my forehead. Saying that my face looked stunned would have been an understatement. Rarity? She would have been the last pony I expected to come by again, much less leaving me these packages. "She wanted to give them in person, but since you wouldn't accept any visitors..."

I just stand there looking at the gift-wrapped parcels for a while, not really sure what to do. Eventually I close in on them, leaning down and grabbing on to one of the ends of the bow with my fingers. It comes undone effortlessly with a simple tug. I focus on the smaller one first, gently unwrapping the paper to reveal its contents. Inside are some of my clothes, cleaned and folded neatly in a stack. I lay them out over the bed. A pair of dress shoes, dark blue jeans, a white shirt and a cream-colored turtleneck sweater. All of these were clothes that Rarity had made for me a long time ago... Feels like another lifetime.

"That's great! Now you don't have to freeze on your way home. I was thinking about running over to your home and bring some of your clothes here, but it seems that won't be necessary now." Sweetheart chimes in from behind me. Her voice still sounds very sore, but I am too dumbstruck to really listen as I just stare over the clothes. Why would she do something like this for me? My eyes eventually drift to the other longer package. I lift it up in my hands, whatever is inside it's thin and hard, but very light. Finding the seem of the paper with my fingers I start unwrapping it. What I find inside stuns me even more than the first package.

A cane, its long wooden shaft is colored black and shining with polish. The head has been meticulously carved into the shape of a horse's head while still being smooth enough to be able to fit comfortably in the palm of a hand. My hand. I place the tip against the floor, resting my hand on the head of it, testing it. It is the perfect length.

I am speechless, my mind going almost blank as I feel along the head of the masterfully crafted cane with my palm. There is only one thought going through my mind right now, one question: Why? The clothes I could maybe understand, if someone else had sent her to drop them off. But this cane? The gift-wrapping? She put great care and thought into this. But why? I thought I knew where I stood with her.

The last time I saw her, two weeks ago, she was acting so strange. She had never been confrontational about her hate for me, but I could always sense it under her polite words. That time though, she had been so... Hesitant and uncertain... Not at all like her.

"That's a wonderful gift." I hear Sweetheart's voice again, soft, or as soft as she can manage right now. I don't look at her, staring distantly at nothing instead. My fingers trail along the details of the carving. Yes, it truly is... But what does it mean? I don't even dare to guess. To make assumptions and risk getting my hopes up... Better to stay ignorant and let it remain a mystery... The doctor clears his throat, grabbing my attention as I look at him.

"Well, I just want to remind you to take it easy for a time. You may be able to walk, but it will take time for all the damage to heal completely, so try not to strain yourself." He scratches his chin with a hoof ponderously for a second. "Aaaand... That's it! You're officially cleared to return home." He gives a... Surprisingly genuine smile, though it disappears when something seems to dawn on him.

"Oh, one last thing. Nurse Sweetheart has volunteered to walk you home, just to make sure you get there without problem." Before I can say anything, he turns to her, giving her a concerned look. "And Sweetheart, I would like you to take a few days off." She looks at him with confusion. "Your voice doesn't sound well, and you've been wearing that scarf inside, insisting that you're freezing. I'm worried you might be starting to get a cold. Rest up a bit and see if you feel any better, alright?" Sweetheart looks at him for a moment before giving a small nod.

"Alright, doctor." She turns her head towards me. I am staring at her, my jaw slack in disbelief. She hasn't told anyone? Not only that, she's actively covering up what had happened? What is she doing? Her eyes meet mine, looking a bit like she's fearful that I'm going to say something and expose the truth. I really should. Why is she going to these lengths? We stand there in silence, staring at each other. Doctor Stable looks back and forth between us, confusion written on his face.

"Um... Is something wrong? Are you alright with Nurse Sweetheart walking you home, Anon?"

We keep standing like that for several seconds, me trying to wrap my head around what she's doing, and her staring pleadingly into my eyes, waiting for my answer with a mix of hope and fear. This pony... The chances she takes with me... No matter what I do, and have done, she just won't quit on me. Stupid, stubborn mare... She's playing with fire, I just know it... Why doesn't she give up? What does she see in me that's so worth saving? I am nothing, she keeps fighting for nothing... But at least she's fighting... For me... I sigh quietly as I ignore my internal protests, giving a small nod.

"Yeah..."

Her face lights up with relief, her eyes silently thanking me, that little smile back on her lips. My own eyes speak only of pained uncertainties. The doctor looks at both of us silently for a moment, seemingly no less confused by the silent communication between me and the nurse before he finally composes himself, clearing his throat awkwardly.

"Very well then... Um... Well, you are free to leave whenever you're ready. I wish you well, and a speedy recovery." It's a bit hard to tell how much sincerity is in those words, partly because of the awkwardness and partly because I'm just half-listening to his words, still kinda debating with myself over my decision. He looks over the clothes placed on my bed. "Do you need any help with getting dressed?" I shake my head, turning to my bed.

"Thanks, doc, for everything, but I can dress myself. I'll be out in a minute." Taking this as their cue, they both turn and walk towards the doors. Only one set of hooves keeps walking past the door though, the other one coming to a stop before. I'm not surprised to see Sweetheart standing in the doorway looking at me when I turn my head, meeting my eyes. She doesn't say anything, she just gives me that sad smile again, wordlessly thanking me for accepting despite my doubts. My eyes trail down to the scarf around her neck, a heavy shadow falling over my mind as I divert my eyes to the floor. When she too walks out, I turn back to the folded clothes on my bed, considering them for a moment before giving a small, derisive grunt.

"Humph, help with getting dressed? Whatever..." I grumble to myself. Even with my injuries, how hard could it be?

Turns out, getting dressed was a little bit harder than how I remembered... The shirt was no problem. The sweater? Piece of cake. Just a little tenderness in my ribs when I lifted my arms. The pants though... I'm glad no one was around to see that spectacle... Not to mention the shoes. Never have I had to position myself so awkwardly just to put on shoes.

I got through it eventually though, even if it did take longer then a minute, like I had claimed. And now, here I am, standing outside Ponyville Hospital.

It's noon, the sun having reached its highest peak, its rays bringing light and warmth, but now and then, a cool wind blows by, reminding everyone that summer is starting to reach it's end. In almost half a month from now the leaves will turn to shades of red, yellow and orange and the Running of the Leaves will commence. It will get colder, but today, it's still fairly warm, though I am grateful for the cover my clothes give me from the winds. I look down at myself, tugging a little at the front of my sweater. It hangs loose around my body. All my clothes do. They no longer fit, showing clearly how thin I have become. A sad sigh escapes my lips.

"Is something wrong?" Sweetheart walks up to my side and looks up at my face with a hint of worry. I meet her eyes for a second before turning my sight forward, looking out over the road leading into Ponyville, the town I have called home, though it hasn't truly felt like it for a very long time.

"It's nothing. Let's just go." Without even waiting for her I start walking, supporting myself on the cane in my hand as I limp forward with a stiff gait. Sweetheart quickly joins me by my side, matching her pace to mine. The walk is slow and arduous, not helped by the awkward silence that hangs over us as we enter the town, the atmosphere changing quickly as we do. We enter not far from the market district, many ponies are walking to and fro along the street to make their purchases, chattering with each other. Until they spot me that is.

When they do, they fall silent. The more of them that notice me, the quieter it gets. Some start whispering to each other, but they also go quiet when I get too close. They keep their distance, moving as far to the side as the streets will let them, some even electing to cut through the alleys as soon as they spot me down the street. I start shaking, not from the cold winds, but their eyes.

All those eyes. Everywhere. All of them on me, staring. They are judging me again. Their eyes of fear and disgust. I feel myself wilting under their collective gaze, flinching at every new set of eyes that fall on me, like it had burned me. Some of the ponies seem almost taken aback by my fearful reaction to their scrutiny, their faces shifting into looks of uncertainty, even sorrow. It hardly registers in my brain. It's probably just lies, lies to themselves and to me. Ponies do not care about me, they fear and hate me. All of them. My pulse is banging frantically against my temples. I try to keep my eyes nailed to the ground, my head hung low, hiding under the frizzy bangs of my hair, but I can't stop them from darting around every time I notice another pony in the corner of my eyes. My breathing is rapid and uneven.

Please, stop looking at me. Don't look at me, I don't want you to look at me. I want to tell them to stop, but I can't. If I do, they'll hate me even more. They'll come for me, run me out of town, or worse...

Sweetheart also seems uncomfortable with all the looks we are attracting, nervously meeting the many eyes of the ponies around us. Sensing my growing anxiety though, she looks up at my face. She says something, but at first I can't hear her, there is a ringing in my ears. Eventually, she manages to catch my eyes. Her's are not fearful, not judging, not angry. Her blue eyes show only compassion and concern. They pull me out of my panic far enough that I can eventually make out her words.

"-non? Anon, can you hear me? It's okay, no one's going to hurt you. I'm here, I won't let anything happen to you, alright?" My breathing slows down somewhat, and I give her a small nod, if only to let her know I understood her. She gives me a quick, relieved smile before looking around the street, spotting something then locking eyes with me again. "This way, we'll cut through this alley to a less crowded street."

She takes charge and makes a sharp turn to the left, making sure I'm always right behind her as I follow her lead. She guides me into one of the alleyways, the murmurs of the ponies dying out behind us. Once we reach the end of the alleyway, we end up at the edge of a street that truly is a lot less busy, only one or two ponies walking by every now and then. I lean up against the nearest wall, trying to catch my breath and give my pulse a chance to calm down, wiping beads of sweat form my forehead with my arm. That was... Intense. My head feels all muddy and hazy. That felt so unreal, I'm not entirely convinced it wasn't just some nightmare.

"How are you feeling?" I look down to find Sweetheart meeting my eyes with worry clearly written on her face. Her voice hasn't gotten any better, but right now I can't deny how relieved I am to hear and see her. I push that thought from my mind. No, I can't do this... I'm the reason she was hurt. Can't let her get too close.

"I'm fine... Just need to catch my breath." I manage to wheeze out between my panting. She frowns, not buying it for a moment.

"You're not 'fine'. You were terrified back there." She manages to keep her voice calm, despite the scolding look she gives me. Spotting a crate, I shuffle over to it and flop myself down on it. Sweetheart follows me, placing herself once again in front of me, our eyes now almost at the same level as she stares into mine "How are you going to live like this if this keeps happening?" I close my eyes and shake my head.

"Don't..." I say quietly.

"You're killing yourself, Anon. You need to let somepony help you."

"Don't. Please." I open my eyes again, staring into hers, a tired sadness washing over me. It must show in my eyes, because she goes silent, her face softening. "Please... I am so tired of hearing this from everyone... I don't want to talk about it." I take a deep breath, releasing it slowly. "And I don't want to argue. So can we please just... Just keep going." She looks at me uncertainly, I can see that she doesn't want to let it go and that she is torn about what to do. I just meet her eyes, the same tired look in my eyes still there. Eventually she falters and gives me a slow, sad nod of her head.

"Okay." She sighs. I push myself off the crate, my head feeling a little woozy from standing up. Sweetheart turns and looks down the street. Further down it forks into two directions. She looks over the road going right, then turns to me. "This way is the quickest route to your street, it will take us close to the main street but there usually isn't that many ponies around this time of the day, so we could just-"

"No." I cut her off, earning me a confused look. I point to the road going left. "We'll take this road. We can get to my home through there as well." She looks towards the left street, then back to me.

"But it will take almost half an hour longer that way." She lifts one of her hooves, pointing it in the direction of the right street. "I really think we should-"

"No, I-" I bite my lower lip, staring into the ground before pleadingly looking into Sweetheart's eyes. "I can't go that way..." She tilts her head to the side. Lowering her hoof, she takes a few steps closer to me, trying to read my face.

"Why?" I open then immediately close my mouth again, averting my eyes to the side to stare at the ground again, my grip around my cane tightening. I take a breath to steady myself.

"That road goes by the Schoolhouse... I can't... I can't go that way." Images flash before my eyes briefly. Images of a young cerise-colored mare being slammed down against her own desk, helpless to the lustful whims of the predator looming over her, and a small yellow filly with a bow in her hair, fearfully staring at the atrocity being committed to her teacher before her very eyes. I shake my head, trying to get the images out of my head before looking into Sweetheart's eyes again. "I can't go near that place, not after what happened there. And if any of the children sees me... The fear in their eyes... I just-" She hushes me softly, placing one of her hooves against my leg.

"Okay, I understand. We'll take the other road. Just, please..." She gives me pleading look. "Try not to strain yourself, if you start feeling tired or the pain returns, we'll take a rest, alright?" I nod in response. I don't like how she keeps fussing and worrying over me, but I keep it to myself for now. Like I said, I don't want to argue.

We've settled back into our silence as we make our way down the street. We don't encounter anymore crowds, just a few small groups of ponies here and there at the most. They still react the same way when they see me, but for the most part I manage to force myself not to think about it, though it's not easy. Eventually though, I start feeling the pain creeping up my spine again. I don't say anything, I know I made a promise, but it is not that bad yet, and as long as I can hide it from Sweetheart, I'll keep it to myself. There are a few things occupying my mind right now anyway, some questions actually. I turn my head and look down at the mare walking beside me.

"So how come you know where I live anyway?" I think I accidentally startle her when I break the silence, she tenses up for a tenth of a second before turning to me with a surprised look. She collects herself quickly enough, raising her eyebrows at my question.

"Everypony knows where you live, Anon." She states very matter-of-factly.

"Oh..." Don't know why that would surprise me, all things considered, but I can't say I like that thought. She gives me an apologetic smile before continuing.

"Also, I live only a few blocks away, down on Gallop street" - these ponies and their weird naming conventions - "so I'm very familiar with the streets around here." We go silent again. I am preparing myself for the next question, rubbing the back of my neck and making sure I'm not showing any signs of my growing aches. I take a deep breath. Now or never, I suppose.

"Why did you do it?" She gives me a quizzical look.

"Do what? Do you mean what happened at that crowd? Well, I could see how distressed you were becoming, so-"

"No, not that." I look her in the eyes, making sure I have her full attention and that she sees the seriousness in my face. "Why did you hide what I had done?" I ask, almost sternly. I look down at her neck, sending a shiver up my spine, to drive my meaning home. She follows my gaze, looking at her scarf, then back at my face again.

"I..." She bites her lip. "I didn't want to risk getting you into trouble. It was an accident, but if somepony found out they..." She stops, hesitating and averting her eyes.

"They would become even more scared of me..." I finish her sentence for her, drawing her eyes to meet mine again, a sad look in them.

"Look... You may not believe it, but there are some of us who wants to see you get better, and the last thing you need are ponies finding excuses to blame you for more things that aren't your fault."

"Aren't they?" She pulls her head back, taken aback by my question. Before she can say anything though, I grunt and stumble to the side by a fierce jolt of pain traveling from my left leg and up my lower back, making me see spots for a few seconds. I manage to catch myself, wobbling a bit before straightening myself up. I rub my eyes to get the spots out of my vision. What greets me is the disapproving frown of a nurse pony.

"Have you been keeping your pain hidden from me? I thought we agreed that we would take a rest if your wounds started acting up?" Great, she's using the angry-mother tone again.

"It's nothing, I just want to get to my house and off the street, then I can rest." She just narrows her eyes at me.

"You can rest now. What good will trying to get home do if you run yourself into the ground before you even get there?"

"I told you, I don't want to argue, and we're not in the hospital anymore so don't tell me what to-"

"Hey, look what we have here." We're interrupted by a voice coming from above us, shortly followed by the flapping of two pairs of wings as something lands behind us. Both of us turn around, finding two pegasi stallions standing there. I don't recognize either of them, they're not from Ponyville I think, probably travelers passing by or visiting some acquaintance in town. One has a mane and coat in various tones of grey with green eyes, the other one is chestnut brown with a blonde, messy mane and hazel eyes. They are both sporting wide shit-eating grins. They look like troublemakers.

"Think this is the freak we've been hearing about?"

"Has to be, it sure looks like a freak." They snicker, their stupid grins growing wider.

"Out for a walk, freak? Heard you were in the hospital. Tried to off yourself, huh?"

"Nah, I heard he got beat up by some mare. Big, scary freak, aren't ya? Got beat up by a mare." They have a long chuckle at their own little humor.

"Probably somepony looking for payback. You heard what this sick bastard did to those mares, right?"

"Yeah, heard all about it. Freak deserved it if you ask me."

I don't say anything, I just stare at the dirt road under my feet. It's not like their words don't affect me, but I can't bring myself to come with any kind of retort to defend myself. After all, they're not wrong. Everything they've said, I tell myself constantly. How can I protest against something I know is true. Sweetheart has other thoughts though, giving the both of them death glares, yet somehow keeping herself from exploding on them.

"Back off." She practically growls through gritted teeth before turning to me, he face softening as she tries to look me in the eye, but I keep averting them. I can't look at her. "Ignore those idiots. Let's just keep going." Abandoning the idea of having me rest in favor of getting me away from the pegasi taunting me, she lightly nuzzles my side, urging me to turn and continue down the street. The sound of hooves matching our pace behind us though signifies that our tormentors aren't done with us yet.

"Aw, what's this? The freak's got himself a little friend. Isn't that sweet?"

"Nah, that's just sad. She probably doesn't have any real friends. What do you say, little missy? Want to be friends with us instead?"

"Don't bother, she's too old for you and bit too chubby for me. Besides, if she's hanging with this freak, she's probably damaged goods."

The both of us stop dead in our tracks. I stand completely frozen in place, a cold feeling in my gut as I stare out at nothing. Sweetheart on the other hand, she spins around and stomps over to them. getting right up in their faces, her cheeks flushed red with anger.

"What the hay do you mean by 'damaged goods'? Why can't you featherbrains take a hint and just fly on out of here?" Her voice is full of indignation as she speaks through gritted teeth. The stallions seem unaffected though, as they only laugh in her face.

"Oh look, the freak's little pet friend is mad at us. How scary."

"Coming to the defense of you freak friend are you? Big, scary freak can't stand up for himself."

"You must be damaged goods. Did he bend you over as well?" The grip around my cane tightens, my arms shaking fiercely as I clench my fingers.

"Stop it! Just leave him alone!" Sweethearts voice is quivering with anger, as well as frustration over how her words are just being ignored by the stallions.

"Oh, that has to be it! He did, didn't he?"

"He must have, and she's defending him. What's wrong? Couldn't get a real stallion?"

"S- Stop it!" Her voice begins to falters under their relentless assault. I'm gritting my teeth so hard they are loudly grinding against each other.

"A mule like her, nopony would want. Figures she would have to turn to a freak to scratch her itch." They start laughing again.

"What did you say?" Their laughter immediately dies in their throats as all falls deathly silent. My voice is low, cold, dangerous. Slowly, I turn around. My eyes are wide open in a death glare and my teeth are bared. They are no longer grinning and the color has been drained from their faces. Sweetheart is staring at me, mouth slightly agape. I burrow my glare into those two little shitbirds.

"You little fucking pukes!" I growl, taking a step towards them. They both quickly back up, their wings quivering and their tails between their legs, terrified expressions plastered on their dumb faces. "What. Did. You. Say!?" I roar at them.

"Please! We're sorry! We didn't mean nothing by it!"

"Nothing by it?" I narrow my eyes at them, the scowl on my face somehow becoming more filled with rage. "I ought to tear your wings off! See how you like it when you're the prey of someone bigger than you!"

"We're sorry, don't hurt us! We'll leave, we promise!" I don't listen to their mewling as I start stomping towards them, wielding my cane like a club more than a walking stick.

"Anon!" Sweetheart cries out. Placing herself between me and the two pegasi, she stands up on her hind legs and place her fore hooves against my chest. I look down at her, my face still contorted with anger and I'm breathing heavily through my nose. She meets my eyes, with a firm yet pleading look. "Just let them go, they're not worth it." Her voice is calm and even. Gradually, I slow my breathing down, lowering my arms, my posture becoming more relaxed and the anger in my face dying down, if not disappearing. She nods her head a few times. "Good, let it go." She gets down on all fours again, keeping her eyes on me.

I meet her eyes for awhile before shifting my gaze upwards, the pegasi stallions are still standing there, one of them letting out a small yelp when my eyes lock on to them. Gritting my teeth again, I give them a short growl. Their reaction is instantaneous, they can't get into the air fast enough as they practically slap each other with their wings as they desperately flap them, disappearing quickly over the rooftops. Sweetheart watches as they scurry away, before turning to me with a frown on her face.

"Anon!"

"What!?" I say defensively, throwing my arms out. "Are you defending them now?"

"You can't act like that!" She looks around before lowering her voice. "You are scaring ponies." I look around the street. There are a few ponies around, staring at us, flinching and cowering as soon as I look in their direction. I clench my fists and turn back to Sweetheart.

"So when you ponies come into my life, trying to 'help' me, I should be grateful, but the moment I stand up for you I'm a bad guy!?" I can't keep my voice down, this isn't fair. "Nothing I do will ever be good enough for this town!"

"And how will they react if word comes out that you are threatening ponies in the streets?" She tries to whisper, but can't help but raise her voice slightly, making it sound more like a hiss. I just shake my head.

"I can't believe this..." I mutter. "This is the thanks I get... Screw this." I turn around and start to walk away, forgetting the pain that's been building up inside of me, though my body is quick to remind me of it when I try to move in a quicker pace. The nerves in my lower back feel like they just got hit by lightning. With a throaty groan, I come to stop before I could even take more than three steps, leaning on my cane for support. Sweetheart is by my side in an instant, looking over my pained face with concern.

"Anon, look... Let's- Let's just get out of here, okay? It's not that much further. Let's just go." I don't look at her, focusing my sight on the ground instead, eventually nodding in agreement.

Back to an uncomfortable silence, we continue on our path. Nothing more is said between us, but I can't help but sneak a few glances at her as we walk. Part of me is still angry, I was just trying to defend her, but for the most part, I'm just feeling that same cold feeling I get every time we argue. This knot in my stomach, and this feeling that I am loosing something.

Worst of all, I know she is right. My anger got the better of me and I might just have done further damage to my reputation, if I can still believe that I have any left. I try to think back, trying to remember what was going through my head at the time, but it's like white noise, unclear, unfocused. The anger is all I can recall. I did not mean to react so... Violently. I wanted them to go away, to leave her alone, but I never had any intentions of threatening them. So why did I do it? And would I have gone through with it? When I advanced on them, I think I actually would have done it... The thought scares me. How could I loose control so badly? If Sweetheart hadn't been there...

After a few more painstaking minutes, my home finally comes into view. I'm surprised to see a new front door adorning the front of my house and that my broken window has been boarded up, the glass shards that had littered the ground nowhere to be seen. When did this happen?

We come to a stop outside the front door. It's strange to be standing here again, back to square one. I hear Sweetheart scuffing the ground with her hoof, but I keep my eyes nailed to the door.

"Well, here we are." She says. I still don't look at her, nor do I say anything. We stand in silence for a while, the occasional gust of wind passing by being the only sound, making my hair sway lightly. Eventually she breaks the silence when she gives up on me saying anything. "I suppose this is goodbye then?" Her voice sounds very forlorn, her words makes an ice cold lump form in my throat; I swallow hard, but it doesn't help. In the corner of my eye, I can see her turn around slowly to leave, her head hanging low, eyeing the ground. Words from two days ago go through my mind for a second time today.

You could never understand... No one can...

No one can unless you let us understand.

I just want to help you.

I raise my head, taking a deep breath through my nose and close my eyes.

"I fell in love you know..." I say with a hint of melancholy in my voice. I hear her steps come to a halt.

"What?" I open my eyes and look at her. She has turned her head to look back at me, her eyebrows raised as she regards me curiously. I avert my eyes to the ground.

"That's how all of this started. I had a home, friends, I was happy." I give a short, mirthless chuckle that sounds more like a grunt. "But I suppose you always want more, huh? We're never satisfied with what we have... Not until we've lost it anyway. There was this one girl I really liked..." I stop to clear my throat, my voice suddenly starting to quiver and break. Sweetheart has moved to my side, sitting down on the ground next to me, looking up at my face.

"A pony?" I look down at her, my eyes have grown misty and wet.

"Yeah, weird huh? A human falling in love with a pony..." I look away, using my free hand to wipe away the tears that have started to gather at the corners of my eyes. It still hurts to think about. "But I loved everything about her, her voice, her tenderness, the infinite kindness she would show to everything around her. We had been friends for a long time and I knew I would never meet another human again." My face becomes more grim. "I decided to confess to her how I truly felt..."

"What happened?" Her voice is also starting to grow weak and quivering. I close my eyes as the first tears roll down my cheeks before focusing on the ground again.

"It happened." There is a moment of silence before I continue. "I told her how I felt, telling her how I wished to be more than friends. She did not feel the same way... And at that moment, in my weakness, I lost everything. Everything. Because I fell in love..." I turn towards her, looking into her eyes. Her cheeks are wet with tears of her own, but she doesn't sob or cry, keeping silent while listening to my every word.

"Love's supposed to save us, right? That's how the stories go. Love is the emotion that will conquer all and lead us to our happily ever after. Well... All it's done for me is take everything I have, all that I am and crushed it. And I dragged every one around me down with me. All because I let my emotions guide me" I take a long, trembling breath. "You say I need to let someone in so they can help me, but I can't, because I can't trust myself. You saw what happened with those two pegasi? I still can't control my emotions... And I can't risk any one else getting hurt because of me..."

She looks sorrowfully down at the ground for a moment, her ears laying flat against her head. She seems to be pondering something. Eventually she raises her head to look at me again.

"Do you still love her?" Her question takes me a bit by surprise. I blink a few times, more tears breaking loose and rolling down the sides of my face. I turn my face and eyes in the direction of the ground again.

"No..." I still care about her... But I don't feel love anymore... Even if I wanted to feel love again, after all that has happened, the word itself has lost it's meaning and I can no longer think about it without being reminded of what I have done. Even the thought about any kind of... 'Intimacy' does nothing but bring up memories I wish I could forget, memories of pain, blood and betrayal. I feel none of those urges anymore, the very thought of it makes my stomach churn and my blood run cold, I have pretty much been effectively neutered by my experiences.

"Do you want me to stay?" I shake my head.

"I'd rather not. The place was horrible the last time I was here, can't imagine what it's like now..."

"I wouldn't care about that. If you want to talk more-"

"No, it's fine..." I look her in the eyes again. "Maybe some other time? When I've had the chance to tidy up the place." She gives me a little smile through her tear soaked face, nodding her head.

"Another time then. I'll be sure to come by in a few days." She gives me a very serious look. "And you'd better not turn me away at the door when I do." I meet her eyes without saying anything for a few seconds before answering her with a nod. Her little smile returns. "See you then, Anon, and take care of yourself." She continues as she turns around and starts walking down the road in the opposite direction we came from, towards her own street.

After just a few meters away though, she comes to a stop. She turns her head and looks back at me.

"Remember when you asked me if it's possible to heal a broken bond, and if past mistakes can be forgiven?" I look at her for a moment, unsure of where she is going with bringing this up now. I nod, making sure she can see it from over there. I can make out the smile that she gives me. "I still stand by my answer." With that, she turns and continues down her path, no longer stopping.

I look after her as she trots away. She really never gives up, does she? That feeling of loss is back again however. What does it mean? This sense of foreboding... Like I risk not seeing her again if she leaves. I don't know where this feeling comes from, and I know it probably means nothing, but the thought still scares me. I think back once again to that argument two days ago. If nothing else, there is one mistake that I have waited too long to fix already, and I can do that now before she leaves. I raise my hand and am just about to call out to her when I freeze up...

A terrible cold crawls up my spine, making every hair on my body stand on end. My pulse quickens and I find myself holding my breath. My eyes dart from side to side, scanning the street, the road, every corner, window, and alleyway. There is nothing there. But I can sense something in the air, every instinct in my body warning me. There is danger. This is the feeling the prey experiences as the predator stalks him. Something is watching me...

I twist and turn, trying to find some angle or nook that I might have missed, but I find nothing. Suddenly, the feeling fades away as quickly as it had appeared. I stand there dumbfounded. Had I just imagined it? Was this my mind playing another trick on me? It felt so real, but so had every other episode I have experienced also felt at the moment it happened. Lifting my hand to my face, I rub my eyes. My grip on reality is growing weaker. There is probably not much hope for me by this point, unless what Sweetheart's been telling me is true, that there is always a chance.

Sweetheart! I look down the road, just in time to see her disappear around the corner at the end of the street. I attempt to run after her, only to have my body painfully protesting as soon as I take my first step. It's no use. By the time I've managed to hobble over to the corner she will already be long gone. Reluctantly, I resign myself to the idea that I will just have to wait until the next time I see her to tell her. If I get a chance to see her again... I still can't shake the feeling of dread I've been having... No, I'll definitely see her again... I hope... Sighing, I turn to my front door. A thought strikes me...

I don't have my key on me... I groan at the thought that I just might be locked out of my own home, alone and half-crippled in the street. Then again... I didn't exactly lock the door before ending up in the hospital either, on account of it being knocked off its hinges and me being unconscious. Also, this is a new door, my old key might not even fit in it to begin with... Why am I just standing here instead of simply checking the door to see if it's even locked at all?

Thanks brain, glad to see you're still good for something other than giving me nightmares and anxiety attacks.

I reach out and grab the doorknob, the metal feeling cool against my fingers. Twisting my hand, I find that it turns without problem, signifying that the door is in fact unlocked. I let go of the doorknob, letting the door get pushed slightly ajar by the breeze, a small crack letting a sliver sunlight into my home. It's probably been unlocked this entire time I've been gone. I wonder if I'll find signs of foals that have been sneaking into my home, trying to impress their friends by breaking into the house of the scary creature living there.

Placing my hand against the surface of the door, I give it a small push, making it swing open all the way. Home, sweet home, I somberly think to myself as I step inside, preparing myself for what kind of new smells and gross sights that has been accumulating while I've been away.

Instead, I find floors free of refuse, not even a single dust bunny marring the polished floorboards, curtains pulled open to let light shine against the clean surface. The broken table is nowhere to be seen and there is a completely new, clean couch standing where my old one had been. Some things still remain, there is a crack on the far wall where I had been thrown into it, the faded trace of a dark stain and a crack in the wallpaper of another wall from the bottle I had thrown at it, and a hoof-shaped crack in one of the floorboards. But other than that... I can't even remember the last time that I had seen this place so clean.

I stand there, my feet practically nailed to the spot, slack-jawed, just looking around the room in befuddlement. How in the? Who the? When? What? I was expecting a few things when I walked through the door, but this was none of those things. The air is clean and fresh, and I can smell a hint of lemon in it. It's strange to be able to see the floor so clearly after all this time, no moldy leftovers, no bottles, no stains...

In fact, the longer I stand here, the more I realize how... Empty it really is... There are hardly any furniture, no decorations or plants, there's not even a carpet on the floor. Everything just feels so open, so empty... So lifeless... I take a few steps further into the living room, not thinking about closing the door behind me. A loud clack echoes in the room when the tip of my cane comes into contact with the floor.

A sound catches my attention, making me freeze up. I stand completely still, straining my ears. It had sounded like a sharp intake of air, like a startled gasp. I hold my breath, trying not to make any noise while I wait to see if it comes again. Where had it come from? If it even had truly happened. I keep hearing and seeing things that are not there, can't trust my senses. Had it just been in my mind again?

Another sound, the creaking of a floorboard. My eyes widen. The sound is real. My mouth is slightly agape and I keep holding my breath, my heart racing in my chest. I grip my cane in both hands, not daring to move from my spot as my eyes dart around, looking around the room, the doorway to the kitchen, the doors leading to the bathroom, the closet and the bedroom I've never used. My hands clench tightly around the walking stick in their grip, sweat building in my palms, panic rising in my chest.

There is something in here with me.

Author's Notes:

Holy suspenseful cliffhangers, Batman!

It's here! Finally, right? Took my sweet time.

I am awfully sorry for the wait... There's been... Things...
I've gone over it in this blog, where I've explained what's been going on, and how things will go from here on.

I would rather take this moment to offer my thanks for helping this story reach over 100 views (103 as of writing this) and 114 fav's!
Special shout out goes out to The Lich Lord, who thanks to mentioning me in his story The Madness of Anonymous gave me a new surge of views, comments, likes and fav's. Thanks man!

That being said, it is a little bit daunting. I really hope that I can measure up to your expectations, and that I don't end up failing miserably. Having all of your support gives me strength though and I really feel like I want to succeed, that I have to.

You guys (and gals) have been letting me live out my fantasy of writing something that others enjoy, and I don't want to let you down. Because damn it, you deserve better than that and I'll do my best to make sure you get it.

Alright, enough with all the mushy sentimentalism.

I hope that you've enjoyed this latest chapter! Remember to comment and tell me what you thought (if you feel like it, of course). I always love reading your opinions, questions and predictions!

~Red Angel

Chapter 6 - My Weakness

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Chapter 6 - My Weakness
By: Red Angel

I feel like I've been standing here for ages, hands gripped tightly around the polished wood of the cane, palms covered in sweat. Standing still in the same spot, legs stiff and sore, back aching. My mouth is dry and I keep holding each breath I take, listening to the silence, searching. My eyes dart back and forth, the sounds must have come from this room, I'm sure of it. Very close. I peer towards the couch across the room from me. Only possible hiding spot. Heart thumping in my chest, I lick my lips to moisten them, then swallow hard. A deep breath, eyes narrowing, fists clenching harder, preparing.

"Is someone there?" I call out, trying to sound threatening, strong, but mostly comes off as nervous. My mouth is still too dry, making my voice weak. I hear a small, muffled yelp of surprise, so quiet I almost missed it if not for the silence of the room. "I know you're there, so come out!"

For several seconds there is nothing, but then I hear movement from behind the couch, and then ever so slowly, a big mess of pink hair rises up behind it, followed by a pair of big, bright blue eyes. They are filled with a mix of trepidation and anticipation, watching me intently. Instantly my grip loosens and I lower my arms, my posture going more limp as I stare back, dumbfounded and a bit slack-jawed, my mind going blank for a second.

"P- Pinkie?", I stutter quietly. We stare at each other in silence. I don't know what to make of this, like my mind can't really process what I am seeing, not entirely convinced it's not just playing tricks on my eyes again. But there she is, her eyes still looking at me, never deviating, hardly even blinking. I see her shudder and swallow hard as her head rises completely from behind the couch. She throws her forelegs stiffly up in the air, and a small cloud of confetti flies up and then proceeds to rain, pretty anticlimactically, down on the floor. Her mane is no longer straight like at the hospital, back to its poofy state, but it still lacks some of the life of her wild mane style.

"S- s- surprise!" Her voice is shaky as she stutters out the word, only a shred of the usual enthusiasm present in it. She flashes a smile at me, but it is uncertain, almost apologetic, it is not the smile you would associate with Pinkie. In some strange way, seeing that kind of smile on her face hurts me even more than seeing her sad. It is not right, it's unnatural. And I know who is to blame... I lower my head and let out a sigh, something that's become quite the habit lately, as my shoulders slump even more.

"Pinkie... What are you doing here?" I look back at her again, she has moved out from behind the couch and is now sitting next to it. Her smile falters, teeth clenched and eyes sorrowful. The corners of her mouth turn upwards again quickly, though her smile looks even less genuine with the sadness in her face.

"It's your surprise homecoming party!", she proclaims loudly. Her voice is more chipper, but there is still something... Off about the way she says it. The party pony jumps up on all fours, forcing her grin wider before disappearing into the kitchen in a blur of pink. I blink a few times and just stare after her. Words fail me. I'm still feeling a little dizzy and lightheaded from my walk home, the confrontation with those pegasi and my little heart to heart with Sweetheart. Tired, that's a word I would use to describe me right now. Tired and confused. I shake my head as yet another sigh escapes me. Making my way after Pinkie, I leave my cane leaning against the wall as I walk through the doorway. She is standing in the far end of the room, one of her front hooves fidgeting nervously, and on the kitchen table... I freeze up.

A cake. A simple, round cake; covered in a layer of whipped cream and icing forming borders the edges and letters spelling out "Welcome Home!". I stare at it for a while. I don't know what I'm feeling... There is... An emptiness in me. I glance between the cake and Pinkie. She is biting her lower lip and seem to be shrinking away, her fidgeting hoof now stroking along her other foreleg. Her eyes still hold some sort of hopeful anticipation, but there is also... Something else, something still off. Resting my eyes on the baked gift on the table, I feel my mind drifting, tugging at misty memories, small innocent things from happier times half-forgotten, the joy associated with them long gone; like looking at photos from someone else's life, understanding the happiness of their contents, but not sharing it. The feeling gone... Forever...

"You don't like it..." Pinkie's voice startles me back to reality. I blink and look at her, a crestfallen look on her face and her body jerking slightly when our eyes meet.

"What?", I mumble, my mind still returning from the edges of memory, before continuing more clearly, "What makes you say that?" She lifts one of her hooves from the floor and places it gently against her cheek, right bellow her eye.

"You're crying..." I lift my hand up to my face, mimicking her as I touch the tips of my fingers against the skin, finding it slightly wet. I blink a few times then quickly start rubbing my cheeks and around my eyes with my sleeve to wipe the tears away. I clear my throat, only now becoming aware how thick it feels. What just happened? "I- I'm sorry... I didn't mean to make you sad..." I lower my arm and look at Pinkie. She is sitting on her haunches, nervously twiddling her fore hooves around in front of her chest, her face dejected and sad.

"I just- I just wanted to see you smile. Please don't be mad." She lowers her head and starts knocking one of her hooves against the top of it. "Ooh, I'm such a dummy-wumby silly-willy meanie-pants who just makes things worse! I'm-"

"Pinkie." I try to say as softly as I can, but I can't stop myself from choking slightly from my recent tears, raising my hand, palm facing down, trying to gesture for her to stop and calm herself. She does stop and look up at me again, though the look she gives me... It's miserable, making my heart feel heavy. "It's not that, I just... I've just had a trying day and I'm a little bit woozy, that's all." Not quite the truth, but not a complete lie either. I just hope she buys it as she starts regarding the floor forlornly.

"I'm sorry...", she half-whispers. "I just wanted to try and make you happy with a surprise party, like we used to..." When she looks up at me again with those sad eyes, it's like she's almost looking through me, like she's trying to catch a glimpse of something buried and hidden inside. "But I just end up making a mess of it..." I try to rack my brain into coming up with something to say, to stop her from punishing herself.

"How did you know I would be out of the hospital today?" My question seems to shake her out of her funk, at least somewhat, as she looks at me quizzically for a moment, the edges of her mouth finally curving upwards slightly. She still looks a bit doleful, but it's a start. I notice how one of her hind legs is kicking slightly, giving the floor a series of rapid, anxious taps every now and then.

"My Pinkie sense, of course." I should have suspected as much. If I had a thousand years to try and figure out her Pinkie sense, I would still be no closer to an answer. "Me and the girls, well, Twilight, Applejack and Rarity to be precise, cleaned the place up a few days ago, but I thought everypony else was probably super-busy today, so I thought that I-"

"Wait...", I interrupt her, a sudden realization striking me. I quickly look around the kitchen and back out the living room. It never even occurred to me... "Are you here alone?"

Her eyes widen slightly, a huge, nervous smile on her face. Her fidgeting hooves pick up speed, becoming more anxious and for just a moment, I see it again; that slightly off look in her eyes, something desperately hidden. It was fleeting, but I saw it, I saw... something.

"Oh, yeah..." She chuckles awkwardly. "What's wrong with that? Why wouldn't I be? I'm just throwing a little surprise party for my friend Anon, after all. I mean, I know you said we weren't friends anymore, but that's just silly talk. Right?" The look she gives me, pleading and hopeful, makes me feel like I was just jabbed in the heart with a hot fire poker, burning and stinging me at the same time. "There's no reason to stop being friends. Even after everything that's happened, I don't see why I can't be here... Alone... With you..." She gulps but quickly tries to hide it by confidently straightening herself, her efforts hampered by the same nervous smile still on her lips.

"Nothing wrong, no-sir-roonie, I'm completely-" I can't take it anymore. I once more gesture for her to stop. Seeing her doing this to herself, I can't bare it. She shouldn't be here.

"Pinkie..." I say with a tired sigh. "You don't need to do this. Maybe it would be better if you just-"

"No!" She cuts me off with such desperation that it actually startles me. We stare at each other, eyes wide and my mouth slightly agape. She is breathing irregularly, with a slightly wild and panicky look in her eye. Finally she seems to snap out of it as she looks around the room before resting her eyes back on me again. "Please, let me try to help, Anon. Please." I collect myself, realizing that I'm holding my breath and finally releasing it. I meet her gaze, simultaneously wishing her to go and stay at the same time, but I know which one I should choose.

"Pinkie-"

"We could play games! Got any good games around, Anon? I could go and get some!" She interrupts me again.

"Pinkie."

"Oh, silly me!" She smacks her hoof across her forehead, giving me a goofy smile, though the stress is clearly visible in her eyes. Why does she keep doing this to herself? "Games can wait. We should be eating cake! I'll get the plates and glasses, you just sit your keister down, Anon. Got anything to drink? Ah, I'll find something, don't worry!" She shoots off in rapid succession as she turns around towards the cupboards on my wall, facing away from me.

I give up. I release a very long sigh, suddenly feeling even more tired with the realization that I wouldn't get through to her. I look over to the cake sitting on the table. I don't know why, but something about it bothers me. I resign myself to the thought that I'll have to indulge her for the moment. Hopefully she will calm down and I can make her see reason, she shouldn't be torturing herself, not over me. I glance at Pinkie, she is standing on her hind legs, leaning against the counter as she reaches a hoof for the door to one on the cupboards, opening it up to reveal a handful of glasses of different designs; to my surprise, they are clean, a far stretch from the grizzly state I had left them, littered around the house. Looking back at the cake, I silently tell myself to just bite the bullet and get it over with. I start to approach the table, a floorboard giving away slightly under my foot, creating an audible creak.

"NO!" Pinkie suddenly shrieks, her voice full of panic. She spins around, a glass she was reaching for getting knocked over the ledge, tumbling down and shattering against the floor. I freeze, staring in shock at the pink mare. Her whole body is trembling fiercely, her posture low, mouth agape and her tail tucked tightly between her legs. I stare into her eyes, and as they stare back at me, I see it. I see what she has been trying to hide, what has been lying just under the surface, barely concealed. Her eyes are wide as saucers, tears forming in the corners, her pupils dilated and beads of sweat forming along her brow. I recognize the emotion that is now radiating from every part of her body, I have seen it so many times.

Fear. She is afraid. Terrified. Every fiber of her screaming for her to flee, away from the source of her fear. From me. Instantly, I feel like I've just been hit in the chest by a freight train, my body turns cold and I can feel my eyes watering as my mind scrambles desperately for something, anything. I raise my hands and take a step back. No no no no. Don't look at me like that. Please, don't look at me like that.

"I- I- I'm sorry. I didn't mean- I wasn't-" I stutter fruitlessly, taking another step back. My eyes are stinging. "I wan't trying to... I swear! Please, Pinkie... I... I..." I finally feel fresh tears stain my cheeks, my voice hitching as my breath becomes uneven and heavy. I wasn't trying to... I wasn't! Images race through my mind; a pink mare, leaning down, back turned to me, she doesn't expect what's coming, she trusts me, I grab her and I... Crying... Begging... No! Not me. Not me. Not my fault. I'm sorry. Pinkie blinks her eyes a few times, her own tears breaking free, trailing down along the sides of her face. Slowly, her face goes from one of terror to sorrow. Her lower lip begins to tremble as she falls down on her haunches and like a deflated balloon, her hair goes straight once again, even her coloring seems to go a shade darker. She brings her hooves up to her face, burying it in them as she starts weeping and sobbing, her whole body shuddering.

"No... No..." She speaks with a trembling voice between whimpers and sniffles. "I didn't mean to! You're not It! You're my friend! Friends should trust and help each other!" She practically wails. I back up until my back is against the wall, covering my mouth with one of my hands as I try to fight against the tears. She lowers her hooves to the ground and raise her head, her eyes closed shut and her face wet. "I'm- I'msorryI'msorryI'msorry! I just wanted you to be happy again! Why can't I make you happy? Why can't it ever end?" Her wailing gradually lowers in strength, until she is just sniffing and whimpering, staring down at the floor as she futilely tries to wipe the tears from her face, only to be replaced by new ones. I lower my arm back down, taking deep breaths, steadily regaining my composure. I look down at the heartbroken mare in front of me, a shadow of her former self. This can't go on.

"Pinkie..." I begin, she doesn't lift her head to look at me. "Some things just can't be fixed..."

"It has to..." She finally speaks up, barely a whisper. "It just has to."

"Listen to me-"

"Please..." She whimpers, finally looking up to face me, her eyes puffy and pink. "Please don't say things like that. There has to be some way. I try and try but I just go round and round in circles in my head until it hurts." She grips her head in her hooves and closes her eyes, her face contorting into a frown of concentration. "I want to fix it, but I can't. You're sad so I want to cheer you up, but you just become more sad so I try harder. But it just makes things worse, because I make you sad. Because I'm sad. So I'll become happy by making you happy, but it doesn't work. I just become more sad, and it goes on and on and on. Trying to be happy, become sad, because you're sad, because I'm sad, because you hurt me sooo much and then I have nightmares about you and..."

She stops, going completely silent. Her eyes burst open and she lets go of her head, staring up at my face with her mouth open in shock. I meet her eyes. Her words cut into my heart, but she has no idea how deep that cut was and now I just feel... numb. My shoulders slump, arms hanging limply. No more tears come, I do not have the strength. I try to look unfazed by her words, but looking into her eyes I know that she sees it. Few creatures are as empathetic as her.

"Anon..." Her words are shaky, regretful. "I'm sorry... I- I didn't mean..." I turn my gaze to the side, focusing on the floorboards, not being able to meet her eyes anymore.

"Please, tell the others I'm thankful for what they've done with my home..." I take a deep breath through my nose while trying to swallow down the hard lump in my throat. "But none of you needn't have bothered yourselves..."

She doesn't say anything but I can feel her eyes on me. I don't meet them, forcing my gaze down. The finality in my voice had told, in no uncertain terms, that this conversation was over. There is a long silence that seems to go on forever. I clench my jaw, begging silently that this is the end of it, because I don't know how much more I can take. Finally I hear her hooves, slow and heavy, making their way past me into the living room and towards the still ajar front door, the only other sound being her quiet sniffles. I glance at the cake on the table. There is still something about it that rubs me the wrong way, but I can't find the words to describe it. It just a cake, why does it bother me so?

I'm pulled from my thoughts when I realize that I haven't heard the front door close. Straightening myself up from the wall, I step into the living room, my legs feeling like they had lead weights tied to them. Pinkie is standing in the front doorway, looking out at the street outside. When she hears my footsteps coming to a stop, she turns her head and looks at me. Her face has a serious expression on it, her eyes still have some tears in them and there is a small frown on her still lightly quivering lips.

"It wasn't a bother to us." She says solemnly, and with that, she walks out the door, closing it behind her. As she does, I reach out with my hand, but I don't say anything. I don't even know what I was going to say, or why. Dejectedly, I let out another sigh and opt to shove my hands inside the pockets of my trousers instead. Before I get the chance to start kicking myself over my behavior again, I feel my fingers brush against something in one of the pockets. Pulling my hands back out, in one of them I am now holding a small, folded slip of paper between my fingers. How did that get there? When? I unfold it and bring it up to my face. A message is written on it in ink, the letters an elegant cursive forming four short words and a signature.

Please come see me.

~Rarity

I scan my eyes over the writing a second time, then a third time. By the forth time, the words finally seem to sink in and a cold shudder travels down my spine. She must have placed it in the pocket right before dropping the clothes off at the hospital. But why? Why would she of all ponies want to see me? I don't understand her. What is this game she's playing? I close my hand, the note crumpling in the palm of my grip. Would going really help in any way? No, I think I will spare myself from any more heartache for today. I feel very tired. Everything hurts, and not just physically. I open my hand again, letting the crumpled paper fall to the floor and just stare at it for a few seconds.

In the corner of my eye, I spot something laying on the surface of a small end table along the wall closest to me. A simple key, probably for my new front door, laid out for me to find, I guess. Something more perplexing is that on the wall above it, there hangs a mirror, one I hadn't owned before, unbroken unlike all the ones I had smashed in this house.

I stare at my reflection, and I do not recognize the man that's looking back.

Gaunt, almost skeletal face. Sunken, bloodshot eyes, dark rings around them, tired and lifeless. Pale as death. A mess of hair on my head and along my jaw, unwashed and wild. My whole body lanky, shoulders and arms slumped as if pulled down by weights. A broken man. I hardly take notice of the small scar now adorning my left cheek as I stare deep into those eyes, looking for something familiar, a trace of the man I used to be, not this half dead stranger. I find only anger and disgust. Who are you? I look away, scanning the room around me. My eyes fall on the crack in the floorboards, curved into the rough shape of a hoof. I walk over to it, studying it. From this angle, I can make out darker patches along this area of the floor, stains that have been scrubbed away yet left a permanent mark. This is the spot.

I am lying on the floor. Hooves buried into my chest. My face is struck, again and again. I taste blood. I hear screaming, full of anger, seeking vengeance. I do not struggle. Through the mist of pain and regrets, I feel something I have longed for, drifting closer. Peace.

A dizziness comes over me, the entire room spinning, my stomach feeling like it's doing the same. I become aware that I'm starting to look at the ceiling. I brace myself and fight against the vertigo, just barely managing to right myself before I fall backwards. My spine is burning from the inside. Staggering, I stumble my way towards the couch and flop down into it. I lean back and just sit there, staring up into the ceiling. Home, sweet home... Despite my exhaustion, my mind keeps going over the last few weeks. Seeing everyone again, all the tears, the resurfacing pains, the promises, the moments I've almost started to dare hope, only for it to just come crashing down each and every time, like a castle of sand being brought down by the ocean waves. Stumbling in darkness, with the light just out of reach, always too far. I feel like I'm being pulled in two directions, one to salvation, the other to damnation, and I don't know which one is which.

So tired... Can't even move... Feels like it's getting darker... But it can't be much past noon... Why is it getting darker? The ceiling is almost completely black, the shadows... They are... Moving? A dark patch, like a growing burn mark in the wood, is spreading out from above me, scorching my ceiling pitch black. I hear a quiet chorus of gasps, slowly growing into pained moans. I open my mouth, but no sound escapes. It's hard to breathe, like there's hardly any air, my lungs feel like they are on fire. Drops of dark liquid are starting to form in the blackness, slowly building until they break off, one by one in slow succession, falling in thick drops... Like blood. I feel one land on my forehead, it is cold as ice, running down the side of my face. I try to stand up, but something is preventing me. A firm grip across my shoulders. Leaning over me, I see the face of the one holding me down. I see my face... How I used to look. There is a smile on his lips, my lips, cold and cruel.

Above us, more of the vicious fluid is forming, being pulled across the ceiling, gathering right over my head. I can do nothing but stare in wide eyed fear as the dark pool starts to boil and stretch, growing and reaching down like a black stalactite. Drawing closer towards me, I try to scream, but I am silent, drops pouring from the horror, landing on my face and in my mouth, choking me. It writhes and changes shape, becoming almost humanoid in form, yet twisted and nightmarish. It reaches its clawed hands towards me, the grin on my other self just growing wider and more sadistic. I close my eyes and scream.

"No!" I throw myself forward from the back of the couch, sitting upright. I am panting hard. I stare up at the ceiling, expecting the horror to still be there, but there is nothing. No black fluid, no horrible creature, nothing. My eyes dart back and forth, looking for any trace of what just happened. No drops on the floor, no other me. Did I fall asleep? Was it all just a dream? I bury my face in my hands, rubbing it. It is drenched in sweat. I climb out of the couch, pulling the sweater off and dropping it on the ground then proceed to stumble towards the bathroom. Pain and exhaustion giving way to adrenaline.

I find that the bathroom has also been cleaned, no longer looking like the nightmare it used to, but there was still a faint smell of mold in the air. It is a small room, just barely fitting a toilet, a simple shower and a sink with a cabinet above it, the shattered mirror on it having been replaced with a new one, its flawless surface still clean and polished.

I throw myself over the sink, fumbling with the faucet until water starts flowing out of it. I cup my hands under the stream, ice cold water gathering in my palms, before splashing it over my face. I repeat the process two more times before resting my hands along the edge of the sink, leaving the faucet on, leaning over and just standing there, trying to catch my breath, water dripping from my face. What the hell is going on? Why won't these nightmares just stop? I rub down my face with my hand, holding it in place over my mouth as I close my eyes and breathe deeply through my nose, getting a fresh whiff of the moldy air emanating from somewhere in the room.

I lower my hand and finally turn the faucet off. I lean against the sink a little while longer before letting go and standing upright. I come face to face again with the stranger in the mirror. I turn my face from side to side, studying the miserable sight before me. I look horrible, there is no way around that. Running my fingers through the scraggly mess that's grown on my face, I feel along the edge of my jaw hidden under it. I scratch it then run my fingers through the hairs some more, before removing my hand and just scrutinize it through the mirror instead. Don't know how long I just stand there staring, but eventually I reach out and open the cabinet and pull out a pair of scissors, a can of shaving cream and a razor, the old kind that looks like a knife. Straight razor, I think they're called. Don't know what's come over me, or why I should suddenly care about it, maybe I'm just restless or I'm just trying to get my mind off of that nightmare, but I just feel like keeping myself occupied, a need to do something.

I close the cabinet, stopping to stare at my face one more time, then get to work. Starting with the scissor, I begin cutting off patches of my beard, accidentally getting snippets of my long hair a few times in the process, but I don't care, it can't really look any worse than it already does. When I feel like the amount left can be shaved off easily, I place the scissors down on the edge of the sink and pick up the can of shaving cream, dispensing a generous amount of foam in my hand, then lather it across my jaw, cheeks, upper lip and finally on my throat. Rinsing the last of the cream from my hands with water, I reach for the razor. I let my fingers slide over the handle, taking in the smoothness of it as I slowly take it in my grip, lifting it up next to my face.

I consider myself and the razor in the mirror for a while. I do not know why. My mind is oddly calm. I feel along the edge of the razor with my thumb. Still sharp, enough to get the job done at least. Gently, I start stroking the blade over my upper lip, easily cutting the hairs there, then across my cheek down to my jaw. I do it slowly, meticulously, making sure I get everything. Finally, I'm down to my neck, shaving away the last strands. I wash the foam away from the blade and splash some water on my face as well, then bring the razor up again, searching for any missed spots. I stop. Looking at myself in the mirror again, the beard and shaving cream now gone, I could not say if it was an improvement or not. Though I look less messy, my face seems even more gaunt without the additional mass. I still cannot recognize myself.

My mind seems to drift away as I look at the face in the mirror. This is not my face. I am not this sickly, pathetic thing I'm looking at. That broken look, the deathly complexion. I hate it. The light shimmers across the sharp blade of the razor still in my grasp and I feel a sting in my neck. I blink, staring into the smooth reflection of the mirror. The tip of the razors edge is pressed against the side of my throat, a small tickle of blood dripping down and staining the collar of my shirt red.

I pull my hand away, dropping the razor. It falls into the sink, clattering against the ceramic. I'm panting hard again as I stare at myself. What had happened? I look at the small cut, down at the razor then finally my face again. What is happening? Why does this happen to me? It's your fault! This is all because of you! I grit my teeth, my hands clenching into fists, arms trembling at my sides. I look into my own eyes, and all I see is a broken man. An outcast. A monster.

I stand in a barn, a library, a forest, a bedroom, a classroom... A cave... In all of them, a mare lies at my feet, helpless, crying. I laugh at them. I revel in their pain. Loving every depraved minute. I'm enjoying this.

With a roar, I ram my fist into the mirror, the surface cracking and shattering into dozens of pieces, smashing into even more as they break against the sink and floor. I let my arm fall limply to my side as I lean back against the opposite wall, staring at the broken shards still sitting in the frame, my reflection jagged and distorted. It was like the window back at the hospital... My mind had gone blank, like my body was operating on its own, and I was just drifting along. What the hell-

My thoughts are interrupted as I become aware of a stinging pain in my hand, making me flinch and hiss painfully through gritted teeth. I raise my hand to my chest, gripping the wrist with my other hand as I look over it. My knuckles are bruised and red, and a long shard is embedded under the skin just over two of my knuckles, blood pouring from the wound, turning my hand a deep crimson. At first I'm too shocked to act, just staring at the reflective shard protruding from my hand, before the pain shakes me out of it. I grunt and groan, but manage to stop from outright screaming. I let go of my shaking, blood-soaked hand, then I carefully grab the shard. Another painful wave travels up my arm, making me yelp and release my grip before gritting my teeth. Let's try that again...

I grab the shard one more time. This is going to suck. I'm breathing quickly through my nose, mentally preparing myself. This is really going to suck like all hell. My jaw and my eyes clenched tightly, I take one final, big breath through my nose and hold it. With a hard jerk of my arm, I rip the shard out my hand. A short but loud scream escapes me and I let the shard fall out of my hand, down to the floor, and I clutch my fingers around my wounded hand. I breathe deeply, trying not to think about the pain, grunting with every breath. Yes, definitely sucked. I pry one of my eyes open and look over the wound. There's a lot of blood. I turn the faucet on again, cleaning my hand in the cold water, gritting my teeth hard as it pours over my wound. I then open the cabinet again. Grabbing a roll of gauze I dress my hand. The first few layers quickly gain a deep red patch over my knuckles, but stops spreading once I've finished.

I lean back against the wall again, completely spent. My heart and my pulse is beating wildly. I stare up at the ceiling, slowing down my breathing, trying to calm down, then look down at my freshly bandaged hand. The panic and adrenaline ebbing, a quiet chuckle rises from my throat. It soon grows into uncontrolled giggling, and finally full blown laughter, throwing my head back as I just continue to laugh and laugh. My throat feels dry. Together with the sadness and desperation of my laughter it sounds horrible, almost like a wail.

As I calm down, and my laughter dies down into trembling breaths, my throat feels like it's bleeding. It reminds me of the cut I've given myself. Using the remaining shards of the mirror, I look it over and see that the bleeding has stopped by itself, the cut too small to sustain it. Taking a handful of water I clean away the blood trailing down my neck. I don't want to be in this room anymore. Need to breathe. I stumble back to the living room, the air feeling more clearer to me already. This house... This damn house... Hardly an hour in here and I already feel like I'm going insane. More than I already am, I mean. I need to get out. Even the streets are better than this. But I can't just wander around aimlessly... The ponies will take notice... I'll just scare them... But where do I...

I pause. Turning my head, my eyes fall onto the crumpled slip of paper on the floor. I stare at it for a few seconds, then a few seconds more. I swallow hard and finally walk over to it, leaning down awkwardly, my body feeling as stiff as dry wood, and I snatch the paper up in my fingers. Folding it out and straightening it as best I can, I scan over the ink on it again.

Please come see me.

There is a painful knot in my stomach. My mind is debating to and fro. Should I? I can't really see this ending well... My eyes drift to the bandages around my hand. With a tired sigh I walk over to the end table, placing the note down on it and grabbing the key, stashing it in one of my pockets, making sure to never once look at my reflection in the mirror. That thing is coming down as soon as I get back. You'd think that while cleaning up a house, that finding smashed mirrors around would make you wonder, that just maybe the owner didn't like having mirrors around.

I quickly replace my bloodstained shirt with a clean one. I also grab a dark hoodie, putting it on and zipping up the front. As I make my way over to my cane, still leaning against the wall, I spot Pinkie's cake through the kitchen door. I stop and look at it for a while. Her face appearing in my mind, the sadness in it. I really wish you could help me Pinkie... I could really use a smile right now. I take a deep breath, grab my cane in my hand and make my way to the front door, stopping in front of it. Another deep breath, placing my hand around the doorknob.

This is a mistake.

I turn the knob and open the door, stepping out into the streets.

The skies are darker now, no sunlight penetrating the dark clouds. The air feels humid and cold. My guess, it will probably rain soon. Fantastic... A cold wind sweeps across me, making my body shudder. I'm already starting to regret this.

There are more ponies walking around than before, but I've keept to the less busy streets and alleyways, it's a bit of the long way around, but preferable to any big crowds. The ones I do meet have similar reactions to me as my trek from the hospital, going quiet and staring. I just try to walk past as fast as I can, half crippled as I am, hobbling with cane in hand. My eyes hardly ever leave the ground. It helps somewhat to not look at their faces. Sometimes, I can hear part of their whispers as I pass them by.

"Look, it's him."

"... back from the hospital..."

"... looks so sickly now..."

"... just horrible..."

"... stay away from him, honey..."

"... better keep our distance..."

"... still looks scary..."

"... almost started to think he was gone..."

I try not to think about what they're saying. Just keep walking. My legs are almost moving on auto pilot as I try to occupy my mind with anything but the ponies' voices, numbing myself to everything around me. Halfway there... I'll just go see her, hear what she wants, then leave... No problem... The cut on my hand keeps itching and I absentmindedly scratch it from time to time before I can catch myself. The images keep flashing through my mind. The mirror, the razor in my hand, the blood. Goosebumps spread across my arms. What was I doing?

"Anon?"

Was it just an accident because I was standing there daydreaming? Or was I actually going to... The grip on my cane tightens slightly. What is wrong with me? Twice now, I've lost control and almost paid for it. Like a marionette, being pulled by the strings... Like I was controlled... But that-

"Anon?"

My body jerks as I hear someone call my name from behind, startling me and pulling me from my thoughts. Stopping, I turn and look around. A few meters away, I see an orange earth pony galloping towards me, her green eyes look tired, with dark rings under them, and her long, blond mane under her stetson hat is unusually unkempt. Applejack? What has happened to you? She looks like she has hardly slept for days. Approaching me, she slows down, before coming to a stop. She is keeping her distance from me. It makes my heart sting. I thought that she...

"H- hey there, Anon." She gives me an awkward smile. She sounds winded. That little sprint couldn't have possible tired her out. Also, her eyes keep darting away from me, like she can't look me in the eye for long, and her ears are slightly angled back. "Glad to see ya out of the hospital. Heh, ah see ya've also gotten rid of the beard, finally." Her eyes land on my injured hand, a surprised look on her face. "What happened to yer hand? Rainbow didn't come after ya again, did she? Nopony's hardly seen, much less talked to her since... well... ya know." She trails off. No one's seen her? Not even her friends? That's a bit worrisome. Even though I don't relish the thought of seeing her again after last time, I hate the idea of her becoming isolated, especially if it's because of me...

"No. No, it was just an accident... It's not as bad as it looks." I instinctively hide my hand partially behind me. She looks at me a bit incredulously before averting her eyes again. What's going on with her? She seems... Nervous? Was all she said about trying to overcome her fears just... Lies? No. Applejack wouldn't do that. So what's bothering her? "How are you doing, Applejack? You're looking a little... worn out." One of her ears twitches and she looks up at me quizzically for a second, before giving me a smile that I guess is supposed to look confident, but comes of as anything but.

"Aw, it's nothin', Anon. Just a little restless last night is all. Lots of work to be done during fall, 'fore winter comes and all that. You know?" She gives me an awkward chuckle and averts her eyes again. She's hiding something. True, fall tends to be a busy time for the Apple family, but it's still summer, that shouldn't be an issue for more than a month from now. "So... Where are ya headed too? Have ta say, didn't expect to see you walking down the street so far from yer home." And now she's changing the subject. What is really bothering her? Not wishing to pry, though, I decide to drop it.

"I'm actually heading over to Rarity." Her ears perk up at that, even making her meet my eyes, one of her eyebrows raised.

"Really?" There is surprise in her voice, sprinkled with a bit of skepticism. "Yer going to see Rarity?" Her entire face suddenly lights up, a jubilant smile adorning it. "Does this mean that ya've changed yer mind? Yer finally goin' to let yer friends help ya?" She almost cheers. "Ah knew ya would come around eventually! Whoo - wee, ya had me going scared there for awhile, Anon! This is just-"

"Whoa!" I take a step back and wave my hand in front of me, cutting her off. "Applejack. No. I'm not... I mean I'm..." I trail off when I see her face fall, ears drooping and looking at me in disbelief. Seeing the joyous relief quickly fade away from her makes my heart sink into my gut. I scratch the back of my neck, feeling like a real ass. "She left me a note, asking me to see her. So that's what I'm doing, nothing more. I don't... I mean, I still..."

"Yer still... shutting us out..." She slowly lowers her eyes to the ground, a faraway gaze, staring into nothing, her face still expressing shock. I shift awkwardly and bite my lower lip, a feeling of unease rising inside of me. "Yer just quitting... Giving up..." Her words are quiet, almost emotionless, yet I can see hints of tears in the corners of her eyes. She doesn't blink, she just keeps staring blankly.

"I'm sorry..." I mumble out. I wasn't expecting her to react like this. Her eyebrows furrow into a scowl, but she still doesn't lift her eyes to look at me. I take another cautious step back, nervousness building. "I just can't do it..." There is a slight trembling in my words. Applejack shuts her eyes tight, her jaw tightening. I can see her teeth grinding against each other through her parted lips. I look away and study the ground beside me. "Applejack... I..."

"Coward..." My eyes snap back to her, the coldness in her voice turning the blood in my veins to ice. Her eyes are open again, staring right up at me in indignant anger. I swallow hard. "Yer just going to lie down and die? You coward..." She raises her head, the tears in her eyes threatening to overflow. I can't meet her intense gaze anymore I lower my eyes down to the ground. I haven't seen her so angry since... those days.

"I... I just can't do it... I'm sor-"

"Ya can try!" She hollers at me, slamming her hoof into the ground. Startled, I quickly raise my eyes to look at her again. A few tears have found their way down her cheeks. "Ya can't just give up like it's nothing! This isn't just about you! Ya need to face this! We need to!" She grits her teeth again and we just stand there in silence for a while. I meekly meet her glare as she just waits for me to say something. Somewhere in the distance, I can hear the quiet rumbling of thunder. I try to find something to hold onto in my mind, to find the strength in me that she's looking for. I study the ground again, then back at her, my shoulders slumping and my face conveying nothing but sadness.

"You're right..." Her face softens somewhat, but keeping her glare on me, cautiously waiting for me to continue. "I am a coward..." Her jaw falls slightly in surprise. I take a few heavy steps back, away from her. "And I'm sorry... But I have to go..." I can't give her the answer she wants, and I can't face her any longer. I take a few more steps back. She stares at me, disbelief and anger written on her face.

"No... No, it can't just end like this! We've fought too hard for this! Ah've fought too hard for this! Anon?" She shouts at me as I keep backing away, the sadness in my face never changing. After a few more steps, I turn around, continuing down the path I had been on. "Anon! Don't you turn yer back on me! Anon!" I don't answer, just keep on walking. "Dang it, Anon! Ya can't just walk away! Not after everything that's happened! After everything we've been through!" Don't answer, just don't say anything. Just keep walking.

"YOU OWE US!"

I stop dead in my tracks, her voice echoing between the buildings. I stare, unblinking, at the dirt path. Her words causes something to click in my head, a rush of thoughts, a sudden clearness. Of course... This is what all this has really been about all along... It was not about helping me... It was about helping themselves... To ease their pain, their guilt. Of the pain I have endured recently, nothing has been so cruel as this coldness I now feel inside of me. Of course... It is so obvious to me now.

Slowly, I turn to look back at her. She is just standing there, the same glare in her teary eyes, legs wide in an aggressive stance, her chest heaving as she pants hard in her anger, teeth gritted behind quivering lips. I meet her gaze with one of sadness and hurt.

"Thank you..." My voice is heavy and lifeless. Confusion mixes with the anger on her face. "... for finally being honest with me..." As soon as the words leave my mouth, it's like they jabbed her in her heart. The anger washes right of her face, being replaced with sadness and horror, jaw hanging limp and eyes wide. Another distant rumble in the air. I look at her for a while, her jaw moves up and down as she tries to say something, words failing her, her ears pressed against her head. I turn back around and start walking away.

"Anon! Wait! Ah was just... Ah didn't mean... Please, wait! Anon! Don't go!" Her voice, full of regret and desperation, fades as I continue down the path. I don't stop. I don't answer. I don't look at her. And despite her pleading, she doesn't follow me. Eventually I block her voice out, until I am too far away to hear her anymore. My body feels so numb, I don't even react to the cold winds anymore.

I just keep walking.

So... I'm finally here. Don't really know why. If the rest of the day has been any indication, it's that this will go terribly wrong. After Applejack... Just thinking about it puts my heart in a icy grip... I just wanted to get away as fast as I could, but now when I'm standing here, I almost wished I was back in my house instead. Many times I thought about just turning around and head back, but I didn't want to risk running into Applejack again... So, here I am. I raise my head and scan my eyes over the building I am standing in front of. The cylindrical shape of its walls, richly colored in purples, whites, and blues. The yellow curtains in the windows. The pony statuettes along the seconds floor. Truly there is no other building like this anywhere, as unique as its owner.

Carousel Boutique.

I lower my eyes, resting on the door. I've been staring at it for about a minute or two now, debating with myself. Should I really go through with this? Nothing tells me that this is a good idea. But I'm already here... Should I just turn around and leave now? Don't really see why not... Whatever I'm going to do, better decide on it soon. I think the ponies passing by are starting to wonder what I'm up to... Don't need to give them any more reasons to-

Something small lands on my shoulder with a quiet tap, stirring me from my thoughts. Glancing over, I notice a tiny wet spot on my hoodie. Another one appears right next to it, quickly followed by the sounds of quiet pitter-patter as the first drops of rain start falling.

Great...

I groan to myself and look at the door again. Seems the decision is taken out of my hand... Again. Unless I'm willing to hobble trough the rain, getting completely drenched.

I start to reach for the door, but stop. There is still an uneasiness in me about this. Even if she did ask me to come, I hesitate, dreading meeting her. How will she react when she sees me in her store... The last time I was here... I had broken in during the night, hoping to find some way to fix my clothes, which had been steadily more damaged during the guards manhunt for me... But I was discovered... She confronted me... And I almost... I think my heart just tried to jump out my throat. I can't just walk in... At least not without giving her some warning. I ball my hand into a fist, bringing it to the door, letting it hang for a few seconds in order to take a steadying breath, then knock against the wooden surface.

"Come iiin!" I hear her call out in a chipper sing-song voice from the other side of the door. "The boutique is open, dear. No need to knock." The welcome did not make me any less nervous. She probably doesn't know who was knocking. An extra warning to prepare her.

"Rarity?" I call out, loud enough to make sure she will recognize my voice. "It's me." There is a long silence, the dripping of tiny raindrops the only sound. Maybe she didn't hear me? Maybe she did... I start thinking if maybe I should just leave anyway or try again, but then I hear the distinct sound of magic on the other side, then the door gently swings open. Nobody is in the doorway to greet me, but it's as good an invitation as any. Steeling myself, I hunch down and step inside the building.

It is as elegant and pristine as I remember it, though I can't say that I have any fond memories of this place, seeing how I and its owner have not had the most amicable of acquaintances. The pony in question is standing further in the main room. She is facing me and... Smiling? It is a small, polite smile, one I can't quite read what it means, but it seems genuine. Genuine of what though, I couldn't say. She gracefully trots closer to me, stopping just shy of two meters away.

"Ah, Anonymous. I assume you found my letter?" She is keeping her eyes steady on me. It makes my skin crawl. I'm not used to seeing her act like this. I blink when I realize I'm just staring dumbfounded at her, though she shows no signs of noticing or being bothered by it.

"Um... Yeah..." I mumble before awkwardly clearing my throat. "You wanted to see me?" When I ask the question, it sounds a bit incredulous, like I had a hard time actually believing it.

"Yes, I thought we could have a little talk, as it were." She turns around and walk further into to room, over to a corner with a coffee table, in a deep redwood color, standing on the floor, covered with a white cloth, embroidered with swirling patterns, a red fainting couch and a pair matching cushioned chairs placed around, as well as a few sitting cushions on the floor, and a very expensive looking carpet underneath it all. Beside the couch stands a trolley, a silver platter with an elegant tea set placed on it. Once there, she turns to look at me again, motioning towards one of the chairs with her hoof.

"Alright?" I don't know where this is going, but I close the door behind me, placing the cane against the wall next to it and make my way over to her.

"By the way, Anon." I can't stop a shudder from traveling down my spine from hearing her call me that. "It is wonderful that you have removed that ghastly thing from your face. It is... An improvement. Now, if only we could do something about that mess of a mane on your head." Once I reach the chair, I make sure to keep my distance from her, so as not to upset her... or me. I pull it away from the table to give myself a little more legroom before squatting awkwardly down into the seat. Chairs for ponies are not the most comfortable for those of us that walk on two legs.

"Thanks... And thank you for dropping off my clothes at the hospital, and the cane." I fidget around in the chair. This is... incredibly awkward.

"Don't mention it." She answers rather curtly, but no emotion betrays her thoughts through her face, maintaining her little smile as she regards me with her sapphire eyes. I shrink in my seat, and not being able to meet her look, I avert my face to the side. I had hoped she would elaborate on why she had done it. I then hear her give a small gasp. "Anon, your neck... Did you cut yourself?" I turn my gaze back at her, her face showing genuine concern, surprising me. In reflex, I raise my hand to cover the dried cut on the side of my throat. "And your hand! What happened?" I realize too soon which hand I had lifted, lowering it to my chest and gripping it in my other hand, trying to hide the bandages covering it. The way she acts... Either she's become a better actor... or she's genuinely worried.

"A shaving accident." I answer quickly without really thinking. She raises an eyebrow at me with a questioning look on her face. "It's pretty stupid, you don't need to worry about it." She regards my face skeptically for a moment, then glances down at my hands. Following her eyes, I find that I am absentmindedly scratching my wound. I quickly let go of my hands, placing them in my lap instead.

"If you say so." She says, sounding pretty unconvinced, but apparently deciding to not pursue it. "Would you like some tea while we talk?" The question catches me a bit off guard. My mind almost suffering a little whiplash from the mood change. I blink at her. That polite smile is back on her lips again.

"Uh... N- no, thank you."

"Are you sure?" She turns towards the tea set beside her. "It's freshly brewed, and the tea is of a quite exquisite make, with a lovely mix of-"

"Rarity." I say flatly, making her turn to face me again, though I don't meet her eyes, looking at the carpet instead. We may not know each other that well, but I can recognize that she is dancing around the issue. "Why did you really ask me to come?" Finally lifting my gaze to look at her, I find that she is nervously biting her lip, her usual air of confidence and elegance gone. It's actually a little unsettling to look at. It is her time to scan the carpet under her hooves this time, drawing a little circle in it with one of her hooves. With a sigh, she walks over and, to my surprise, doesn't take a seat on the couch, opting instead to prop herself down on one of the cushions on the floor. She looks at me with mournful eyes, making my heart jump.

"I have been doing some thinking these last two weeks," she starts, scanning the table with her eyes, "a lot of thinking, actually. About me... And you." She looks me right in the eyes again, but this time, I don't flinch or shudder. Something about the sadness in those eyes calms my anxieties. "I tried distracting myself from my thoughts, ignoring them, but I couldn't. Not that Applejack would let me." She chuckles quietly to herself before continuing, a melancholy smile on her face. "You know, she has been raising quite the storm in town since we visited you at the hospital."

"Really?" I cringe a little inside when I think about that day. Watching them all leave in tears, despite believing it to have been for the best, it was still hard to think about. The unicorn fashionista chuckles once more.

"Oh yes, she has been quite vocal about her support for you. Coming to your defense, proclaiming your innocence. Caused more than one argument that almost ended ugly. Poor thing, she has almost been running herself ragged." That lump in my chest is back again. Is that what she has been doing all this time? But then... Was I wrong about her? Or was this maybe just another way for her to try and ease her own guilt. And what does this have to do with Rarity inviting me over? I just look at her in silence, waiting for her to continue.

"Anon..." Her voice falter slightly and she swallows, our eyes meeting again as her smile fades away, leaving behind a look of regret. "I have been terrible to you." That sentence makes me blink and stare at her, dumbfounded. "I've treated you like dirt, and that was wrong of me. I've taken my anger out on you, when you were not the one to blame. I am sorry."

I keep staring at her, slack-jawed, expecting to wake up. I must be dreaming, right? No... Nothing good ever happens in my dreams... This is real. The Rarity sitting before me, she is real and this is happening. I try to say something, but nothing comes. How am I to take this? I am so confused, the days events starting to overwhelm me. If this is true, shouldn't I feel joy? Relief? Why then do I only feel sadness? My eyes lower and I look at her neck. I still remember the scars she had, how she chocked and gagged as I gave them to her, the hate I felt for her as I almost... I turn away from her.

"Anon?" I hear her say quietly, her voice so shaky I almost didn't hear it. "Won't you please forgive me?"

"There is nothing to forgive..." I answer solemnly. "After what I did to you... I wouldn't blame you for hating me..."

"I don't-" She starts, but I cut her off.

"You don't have to hide it anymore... I've known all along. You are not as good at hiding it as you think..." She is quiet for a long time. I don't dare look at her. Finally I hear her sigh.

"Yes... Yes, I did hate you... I didn't want to show it, because I knew it wasn't right, but it's true... However, I want that to change. I know now that you are not a bad pon- person." I shake my head slowly from side to side, never tearing my eyes off the floor.

"You don't know me..."

"I realize we were never... friends... Maybe we never will be close... But I suppose Applejack has turned me into a believer. Is there really such harm in trying?"

"You don't understand..." My voice is almost a whisper, heavy and mournful. "None of you know me... Even I don't really know me..."

"What do you mean?"

"I have no idea who I was before ending up here... Or what..." I reach my hand up and rub my eyes. My entire body is feeling very heavy all of a sudden. "Was I the same man back then? Or have I just been pretending to have been someone I'm not all this time?"

"I don't understand."

"How can I know, that all the things I did, to you, to everyone else, that I didn't do it because I wanted to do it..." There is a long silence in the room. The rain has picked up in force, I can hear it pouring ceaselessly outside. That is far from my mind though. Images of all my gruesome deeds pour through my mind, and with it, all the emotions and thoughts from those moments with them. I lean my head into the palm of my hand. I can't stop them, forcing me to relive everything again and again, as I have every time I close my eyes.

"Anon... That was not your fault, it was that... that thing. Even I, who has been too blinded by my own anger to admit it, know this. And so do you."

"Are you sure? When that thing possessed me, I was still aware of everything that was happening, every little detail. I can still remember everything clearly."

"Anon... I didn't know... But still... Though I can understand how that would be troubling, it was still It that was doing all those things, not you."

"It goes deeper than that though." I take a deep breath, feeling a little lightheaded. My eyes sting. Am I crying again? I'm no longer sure at this point. "Applejack told me, that the reason she blamed me was because she had trouble figuring out where I ended and It began." I lean my head a bit to the side without lifting it from my palm and open one eye. I spot Rarity sitting in the same spot, silently watching me with a mix of sorrow and trepidation as she hangs on my words, listening intently and waiting for me to continue.

"It's the same thing for me..." I utter as I choke on the lump in my throat, making the words sound strained and tearful. I direct my eyes back down and close them. "When it took over me... It became... me... Its thoughts were mine... Every desire... Every twisted pleasure... It felt like it was me all along... And when it turned on you... It was as if it was me hurting you... As far as I knew, it was me... I thought I had gone insane and I didn't know why I was doing these horrible things." I lift my other hand to my face as well, burying it in both of my palms. "I was so weak... A coward..."

"Th- there was nothing you could do." Her voice is choked up and trembling, and I can hear her sniffle. "It's horrible... But what does who you were before Equestria have to do with any of this?"

"Because I could have stopped it. I knew what I did was wrong, but I didn't stop myself, because I was too weak... How do I know that that thing didn't just make the real me resurface? The first times it happened... I still had some control over myself... When it happened I was helpless, but afterwards... I knew what I had done... I would regain control... And I did nothing... What kind of man does that? I don't know how much influence it had over me in the beginning, or when I finally lost all control. But I should have done something! Turned myself in, or ended it before I hurt anyone else!

"How could I ever claim to be a good man? Was I ever one? I look at myself and it sickens me. Whoever I was before, I know that I don't deserve your forgiveness." As I finish, everything goes silent again. I am a monster. I really am. I sniffle, but I feel no tears staining my hands, maybe I don't have any left. I sit there for a long time. It is still silent. Rarity doesn't make a single sound. I keep still. I don't want to look at her, no matter if she says she forgives me or apologizes for how she thinks she's wronged me, I don't deserve it. It feels like several minutes pass in complete silence. What is she doing? Why isn't she saying anything?

"Rarity?" Still no answer. An uneasy feeling rises in my chest. I lift my head from my hands, the rush of light hurting my eyes for a moment, and I look at her. She has stood up from her cushion, standing stiffly, staring at me. Tears are pouring down her cheeks, marking her makeup run, staining her cheeks in streams of black. The look on her face... It is one of pure hate.

"You knew..." It is not a question when she whispers those words. Her trembling lips part slowly to reveal her gritted teeth. "You knew!?" She practically growls. I sit up in my chair, leaning back into it, trying to put more of a distance between us as I stare back, alarmed.

"You could have stopped it... and you DIDN'T!?" Before I can even react, her horn ignites with a bright blue aura and one of the cups from the tea set comes flying towards me, just barely missing my head by and inch, smashing against the wall with enough force to leave a dent in the wallpaper. I spring up from my chair, tipping backwards and toppling over it, bringing both me and it to the floor. I quickly crawl to all fours and scurry away from the enraged mare, almost tripping over myself as I stagger back to my feet. As soon as I turn around, the silver platter comes flying and strikes me in the chest, knocking some of the wind out of me and making me back into the wall. Immediately, another cup smashes against the wall next to my head, pulling me out of my pained daze and I look at her.

She is levitating several objects in her magical grip. Vases, cushions, more teacups and even some of her tools. She has thrown the table to the side, and her pupils are like pinpricks, burrowing into me.

"You knew all along! You could have spared everyone! My friends! Me! Yet you did nothing!" The aura around her horn intensifies, its hum growing louder. I raise my arms and cover my face behind them, bracing myself.

"You are a coward! Hiding while all of us suffered! You wretched, miserable animal! I wish you had just ended it so that we would never have to endure your filth again! You fiend! And to think I was starting to feel pity for you... you..." As she rail at me, screaming furiously, she is bombarding me with objects. I can't see what is coming due to shielding my face, but I feel them. Sometimes it's something hard, bruising me, other times it's something softer, bouncing harmlessly against me. Many times they just miss and smash against the wall around me. I twitch and turn, but I can't find any opening to get to safety. My heart is pounding like a jackhammer and I keep my eyes squeezed shut.

"You MONSTER!"

Something hits me in the chest, with more force than anything else she's thrown at me. It shatters loudly against me and I gasp as the pain spreads all throughout my chest. Caught off guard, I lower my arms in surprise, flattening myself against the wall. Not even a second passes before something buries itself into the wall right next to my head with a loud "thunk". Instinctively, I pull away to the side, away from the sound and look at it. A pair of large scissors have been embedded so far into the wall, little more than the handle is sticking out from it. I stare at it in fear, my pulse beating like crazy, the shock making me forget the pain from having been struck in the chest.

I tear my eyes from the scissors to look at Rarity. Her posture is low and aggressive, she is panting hard and slow, clearly exhausted but no less enraged. Even more of her makeup ruined, as she is now covered in sweat, mixing with the tears still running down her face, and her mane and tail is disheveled, the usually well groomed curls have become a tangled mess. Her eyes and face still convey nothing but anger. I stay quiet. I don't dare say anything. I just wait for the next barrage.

It never comes.

"Get out..." She growls through her teeth. I stand still, not daring to move. "Get out of my home! Get out! Get out! Get! Out!" She shrieks at me. I tear myself from the wall and dash towards the door. My mind is blank of anything except a need to escape. I grab the door handle and yank it open, the door slamming against the wall, and I'm out.

Out into the rain.

A monster...

Stumbling. Dizzy. Need to get away. Need to find her.

Monster...

The rain is pouring down, drenching me. Don't care. Let it wash me away... Let me disappear... Have to find her... She will know what to do... She will listen...

Should be dead... Deserve to be... I know this street... She lives here... So tired... Been running non stop... What am I doing? Have to find her. Why? She can help. Do I want help? It hurts. Fire and lightning in my spine. Am I dying? No... Still alive...

Monster.

I stagger, tumbling into a wall. I catch myself against it. It's hard to focus. Rarity... You almost... Should have done it... I don't deserve your mercy... The rain. It just won't let up. I shake my head. Need to focus, think. I look around my surroundings. The streets are empty, everyone having sought shelter from the downpour. The houses are familiar to me, having walked this road many times before. This is where I will find her. She has to be here somewhere. This is where she said she lived.

Gallop Street.

"Sweetheart..." I whisper under my breath. Pushing myself from the wall, I continue to stumble down the street, ignoring the pain in my legs and spine. Which house is it? She never told me which one. Where could she be?

"Sweetheart!" I shout. Please let her hear me. Keep moving, it's one of these houses. I call her name again. Nothing. I keep going, limping, grunting and shouting. Why doesn't she answer? I notice movement in the corner of my eye. Turning towards it, I can't... I can't see who it is... My vision is blurry... "Sweetheart?" I mumble, rubbing my eyes and trying again. It's not one shape, but two. I recognize them, though I don't know their names. One is a blue earth pony stallion with a bushy mane, the other one a light green pegasus mare with blond mane and freckles. They are just staring at me, perplexed and anxious. I sneer at them. Always staring.

"What are you gawking at!?" I yell, making the both of them shy away. "You're here to judge me too? To point and condemn? What the hell do you know? What do any of you know!?" This is enough to make them turn around and gallop away in the other direction... Good...

I continue my stumbling for a little while longer, when I spot it. There, on the side of a mailbox, spelled out in bold letters.

Sweetheart.

Finally... I move up to the door. Trying to straighten myself up and running my fingers through my soaked hair, slicking it back against my head to get it out of my eyes. I knock on the door and wait... and wait... and wait... Where is she? I try again. Nothing. I look at the mailbox again. Did I get it wrong? No, that's her name. I bang my fist loudly against the door. Still nothing. Panic rises in me. Why isn't she answering? Is she not at home? I start calling her name again. I grab the doorknob, twisting and pulling. Locked tight. I call once more, louder... Still no answer. I lean into the door, pounding and sobbing.

"Please, open the door... Please..." I whimper, finally just letting my hands and forehead rest against the surface. I don't know for how long I just stand there, waiting, but eventually I try moving around to the back of the building. Maybe another way in? The windows are covered. I consider breaking them... No! This is her house... Can't break it. No no no. My heart jumps with joy when I spot another door in the back. I rush over to it, grab the handle and pull. Locked. I wail her name pathetically. Why is this happening? Why why why?

A noise catches my attention. Something distant, echoing along the street. What was that? I look around me, down every road and backstreet. Then, I hear it again. It is a scream. Of pain and anger. I turn towards it. Nothing is there. Another scream, from behind. Then another. And another. All around me. Screaming. Wailing. I spin around, my breathing fast and panicky. It's growing loud... Coming closer.

I stagger backwards, into an alley, my hands gripping my ears, trying to silence the screams. They won't stop. I can hear them. Inside my head. I scream and try to back away faster. My leg gets caught on something and I trip, falling into a collection of garbage bags and trashcans. I grip my head. It's throbbing. The screams grow even louder. I sit up and drag myself backwards on the ground until I back right into a brick wall. A sudden jab of pain in my chest. I roar in pain.

The screaming stops.

I'm panting and hissing through clenched teeth. Shit, it hurts. I shake my head and rub my temples with my hand. Where am I? I look around me. I'm... still in the alleyway. What was I doing? It's so fuzzy. I remember... Rarity... I left the boutique... Ran away... But then... It's like a misty haze... I wanted to see... Sweetheart... But why? My ramblings, the screaming, the haze. I feel like I'm losing more and more of myself by the minute. Soon they'll lock me up, declare me insane and leave me to rot... I'd rather die...

A flash of pain in my chest. I grit my teeth and groan, my whole body tensing for a moment, then I'm just sitting there in the rain, panting hard. I look down over me. I notice a hole in my hoodie, over the left side of my chest, right next to my shoulder. I also notice a trail of blood going down my left hand, coming from under my sleeve. I lift my right hand and grab the zipper in my fingers, the small movement still causing me pain. I pull it down halfway, then guide my hand under my hoodie. My fingers brush against something hard, sticking out of me, and I'm greeted with yet another painful spike.

I grit through it, grabbing hold of the object. I start to pull. It is wedged in real hard, refusing to let go. I keep pulling and pulling, screaming all the way. Finally it comes loose and I give a few pained, yet relieved grunts. I hold the object up, looking it over. A large shard of white porcelain, covered in blood. I drop it to the ground, and a sound rings out from me that's something between laughter and crying. This may finally be it.

I feel cold... Dizzy... My head is pounding. So tired... Everything is getting fuzzy... I don't even care about the rain anymore... I'm just... Drifting away... Everything's fading...

And eventually... everything goes dark...

Author's Notes:

Here it is at last. I am so sorry for the long wait. I don't even have any excuses left anymore. I am so, so sorry.
Can you forgive me?

Instead of going over this for the hundredth time though, there are a few shout outs I would wish to make.

First goes to Darkoes1, who guessed right about who was hiding in Anon's house (Sorry rono2)

Here is your cyber muffin! Better grab it quick before-

Too late...

Secondly, I would like to give a shout out to Crippled, Beaten and Broken by Hopefullygoodgrammar
It is a great fic, especially for those of you who like darker Human in Equestria-stories. (And I'm not just saying that because he was cool and gave me a shout out in his story. But seriously dude, you should have told me! )

Well... I really hope it was worth the wait. I am super tired right now, so I'll probably be needing to do some extra editing to fix things that I've missed the next coming days.

And as always, thank you for all your support, even when I haven't deserved it and left you hanging for so long.

See you next time!

Chapter 7 - On Tiny Wings

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Chapter 7 - On Tiny Wings
By: Red Angel

I am walking through the darkness, barefoot across an endless pool of blood, the soles of my feet stained red as I stride across the surface. Dark, pony-shaped figures sit in line on either side of me, their hollow eyes gazing lifelessly at me as I walk past. Something is breathing down my neck, egging me on, my legs moving by themselves. I feel helpless, like a puppet pulled along by its strings.

"Monster."

The word echoes around me in thousand simultaneous whispers. A platform sits in the pool of blood, like an altar rising from the ocean. A figure lies on top of it. The legion of voices whisper again and again, their monotonous tone sending chills down my spine. As I approach the altar, I peer down over the figure lying there, the altar bringing her to the height of my waist. Her light-purple coat is stained and matted, and her blue eyes staring, emotionless from under her bangs of white and purple hair, up at the darkness above as she lays there, splayed out on her back like an offering, seemingly lifeless if not for the slow breaths passing between her lips.

A hissing, like a long pleasurable sigh comes from behind me, hot air passing by my ear in trembling excitement. A figure presses against my back, almost tenderly, and long, black claws slide slowly down my arms, caressing my skin before firmly gripping my wrists. It lifts my arms and reaches down for the mare in front of me. My heart is racing in my chest, beating in rising panic. It guides my hands around her throat.

I try to pull my hands away. The grip around my wrists tighten, an angry growl coming from behind me as the thing presses harder against me, trying to coax me as it forces my hands to stay in place. I struggle harder, trying to step away, but my body refuses to obey me. She just lays there, completely still.

The growl goes more quiet, becoming softer until it more resembles bemused cooing. Its grip softens, yet still denying my hands from being moved. Its long fingers curl, the tips of its claws lightly scratching against the surface of my skin, before pressing down. Like curtains, my skin begins to part, blood dripping down my arms as the claws dig into the flesh. On and and on it sinks into my arms. First the fingers, then finally its hands are buried into me. I can see their movements under my skin, traveling down to my hands.

I stare in quiet horror, somehow not being able to scream, as it flexes its claws, my fingers following the movement as if it was wearing my hands like gloves of flesh. It clenches down, and my fingers tightening around the mare's throat. I try to fight back, but I am helpless as I see her breath become trapped in her throat, her mouth opening wider as it tries to suck in air in garbled chokes and her eyes starting to roll back into her head. One of her hind legs starts kicking weakly, the only struggle her body can muster. The grip around her throat only clamps down harder.

I hear laughter, filled with twisted pleasure. It does not come from behind me. It is coming from my lips.

I try to close my eyes, or look away... But I can't.

I gasp loudly, eyes seeing nothing but white as they are thrown open. My lungs burn with the air rushing into them, but it hardly registers in my panic. I jolt up, halfway into a sitting position, when pain racks my entire body, sending me rushing into reality. I gasp again, a pained hiss through my teeth growing into an agonized groan. Falling back down, my back lands against something yielding, giving a plastic rustle as it does, but filled with hard objects, halting my fall.

I lay perfectly still for a while as my mind tries to process what is going on. I blink my eyes a few times, but they refuse to focus, everything slightly obscured by a persistent blur and more than a few dark spots. W- Where am I? The pain... My chest feels like it's been split open and my back like it's been whipped. I feel cold, my body wet and numb, and there is a feverish heat in my spinning head.

Wait... Wet? I feel a few drops land on my face, one landing on my lips before sliding down into my mouth, making me aware of how dry my mouth and throat feels. Rain. I was... walking through the rain... But where? Hard to focus. Thirsty. Tired. Sweetheart? Wouldn't answer... Why didn't she answer? The rain. It seems to have let up some, the storm ebbing off into a light drizzle. How long have I been lying here? I slowly and carefully move my head, trying to take in my surroundings through my hazy vision. Looks like... an alley? Yes... I fell down. Plastic bags... Probably garbage... Smells like it... I think? Don't know. Everything's so unclear. Why can't I focus?

I try to move, but pain once again overtakes me, seeming even worse to my slightly more conscious mind. A pained scream escapes me and I slump back down again. My sight goes even more blurry and I think I'm seeing double. It feels like something is covering my ears, muffling all sound, except for an annoying ringing, which only acts to worsen the throbbing of my head. I lift my hand carefully and bring it to my face. Still hard to focus, but I can just make out the red stains on my fingers and palm. Blood... I remember. I lower my hand back down just as I hear a sound. What was it? Sounded close... A voice maybe... Sounded almost like a-

"Hello?" Someone, or rather somepony calls out. The voice is cautious and feminine, and full of worry, not for herself, but for the well-being of another. "Is somepony there? Are you hurt?" It draws closer, coming from around the corner of the building in front of me, from the way out back to the streets. My breath hitches in my throat as I recognize the voice.

My eyes go wide as she steps around the corner. Her mulberry coat and rose mane is damp with the rain. Bright green eyes meet mine and she freezes in place with a quiet gasp. I am in a schoolroom. No, I'm in an alley. She is lying on face down on her desk. She is standing right there! It hurts... She is in pain.

Cheerilee.

"No!" I screech, startling her into taking a step back. I twist my body, trying to crawl away from her. Too dizzy. Have to get away. So painful. Can't get a footing. I raise my hand, palm facing her shakily, pleading for her to stay away. Angry eyes. Cerise, deep green, blue. Hate, wanting to make me feel their pain. "Please! No more! No more..." I beg frantically, blubbering apologies before just curling up and starting to whimper pitifully, turning as much as I can away from her and hiding my face behind my hands, trying to look small, nonthreatening. Go away go away go away... Please... I still keep my eye on her, peeking through my fingers.

She stares at me, face frozen in shock, mouth and eyes wide open. No! Anger. Must be. But... Her face... Anger! Please, leave me alone. I'm sorry. She scans over me, taking in my quivering form, a pained, sad expression on her face. No, not possible. My mind is just playing tricks on me again. I nervously wait for her next move with bated breath. She bites her lower lip, looking around the alley before turning around and disappearing the way she came.

My whole body shudders as it relaxes, only to tense back up with a pained grunt. In my panic, I had managed to block out the pain, but now it came back with full force. My vision goes black for a few seconds as I tip over to the side, my face leaning into another trash bag. The alley fades back into existence before my eyes, though rocking from side to side, as my vision slowly returns. I can't move. So exhausted, don't have the strength. I keep staring down the alley, my mind nothing more than a groggy haze. It's so dark, the grey clouds above causing the the alley to be cast in sinister shadows. Don't know how long I keep staring out into the shadows, I feel like I'm just floating along, like a log in the river or a dark cloud in the sky. Those shadows... So dark...

Another sound. Quiet, but I heard it. Another one, closer. Through my unfocused vision, I see movement in the shadows. Another sound again... Something is in the shadows, coming closer. I can make out a shape in the darkness. But... What is it? It stands still for a while, watching me. I hear my own heartbeats in my head, beating madly. I try to move, but my body refuses, having gone numb from the pain. Everything is spinning. And that ringing! The shadows... the shadows are writhing. The dark figure moves closer, slowly and methodically, the darkness around it crawling along like a dark cloak. I open my mouth, trying to scream or call out for help, but all I can muster is a few, ragged gasps through my aching throat. It keeps moving closer in its slow pace, my breathing becoming quick and labored as I stare, paralyzed with half lidded eyes. I try to will my body to move again, but it is futile. It draws closer and closer, and then-

Voices. Distant. Coming from behind me. Growing louder as they approach. The figure stops and looks past me for a few seconds, listening, then down back at me again. I try to focus my vision, but the figure just remains a dark, unidentifiable black mass of writhing darkness. It regards me, seeming to hesitate, and finally, it slowly starts to slink back deeper into the alley once again, its form melting into the darkness without ever tearing its gaze from me, the shadows growing more still only to stop moving just as the figure completely disappears.

As my breathing starts calming down, my head seems to be spinning even more than before, and my eyelids feel like they are made out of lead. I struggle to keep them open, but it is hopeless. Slowly, everything starts going dark again. I can hardly hear the voices anymore, even when they're right on top of me, they are muffled and their words unintelligible. I sense movement around me, and something lightly tugging at me. I feel myself drifting away again. Something is hoisting me up, slowly and carefully. I try to speak, but can barely manage to make a few quiet moans. If anyone heard it, they seem to pay it no mind, they just keep talking among themselves. Not that it matters, because it's not long before everything fades away.

"... -on't look good. What happened to 'im!?"

A voice in the darkness, distant but familiar. I am in the market district, the midday sun bathing it in warming light, the bustling noise of crowds, talking, haggling, laughing. Scents of freshly baked bread and pies in the air. Green eyes meet mine as I approach, a friendly smile and a tip of the hat welcoming me. I buy some apples from her. She hands me an apple fritter as I start to leave, a gift for my help at the farm. I say that there is no need. What are friends for? I feel warm, feverish. Thirsty. My throat hurts.

" ... thread, quickly! Put pressure on the wound!"

Perfume, faint, not overpowering, like summer flowers. Blue eyes regard me with disinterest, before turning her head away, nose in the air. Annoyed, I scrub away the dirt from my shoes on the doormat. There is always a faint scent of perfume and laundered fabrics here. I tell her I need new clothes, that she is the only one I can turn to. She looks at me again, eyes and mouth growing wide with glee, before she starts trotting around the room, sketching down designs on a notepad while pulling out various fabrics and tools from the shelves and bombarding me with ridiculous ideas. I shake my head with a sigh. A small smile creeps onto my lips. A ragged gasp crawls down my throat.

"... should be in the hospital!"

I squirm weakly. Something feels soft beneath me. A groan, another gasp for air, more clearer. Darkness slowly gives way to dim light.

"... too far away... needs help right now! ... hold him down."

Something touches against my hot skin, the sudden coolness against it causing me to start. Stirring, my eyelids flutter, then slowly opens. My eyes quickly begins to focus through the blurring light, vague shapes growing more recognizable as my vision clears. A needle is floating in front of me, held aloft in a bright blue aura. It is stained red with blood. Behind it, a pair of large blue eyes are staring right into mine, the white coat on her hooves resting on my chest just as stained as the needle.

I let out a startled scream and try to pull away from the unicorn standing over me. I notice I am lying in a fainting couch, pressing into it as I unsuccessfully try to scramble away, the fatigue and pain racking my body sapping me of any strength. She pulls away at my reaction, and only now do I notice the cowpony next to her, her stetson resting on the floor instead of on its usual perch, bloodstains on her front hooves, as well as on her back, dripping down her side. Both their coats and manes are wet, clinging against their bodies. They stare at me with a mix of fright and concern. My hands grip along the edges of the seat and the back of the couch as I keep trying to dig myself deeper into it.

"Whoa, Anon, please calm down." Applejack speaks up, her face full of worry, a small tremble in her voice. She takes a step forward and reaches a hoof out at me. I flinch away from it and she stops, pulling her hoof back to her chest, her face falling, looking both dejected and a bit hurt.

"Anon," Rarity says as calmly as she can, also taking a step forward, placing herself besides her friend as she casts pleading eyes at me, "you need to calm down. You're going to tear your stitches."

I try to control my breathing, to stop myself from panting like a running dog. It's not easy, my confusion fueling the fear in the back of my mind, but at least I manage to keep myself just shy of hyperventilating. My body feels like it made a canon ball dive right into a meat-grinder, a certain stinging pain in my chest drawing my eyes down to look at myself. I am laid out over several towels, spread out along the couch, splashes of deep red soaked into the fabric directly under my upper body. My clothes have been removed, dumped on the floor in a soaked pile, along with a few towels, some sporting red stains, a blanket covering my lower body. And my body...

My arms, chest and abdomen are covered in dark bruises, big and small. My skin is glistening with sweat and there are a few smudged, red lines across my chest from blood that has been scrubbed off. Quickly, my eyes glance to the left of my chest, right next to my shoulder, a red cut in my flesh, partially sowed shut by a long thread, the bloodied needle dangling from the end of it down my side. I inhale a sharp breath at the sight, but even through my shock, I somehow still posses the mind to realize that the cut was not quite as large as I would have expected, given the size of the shard I had pulled out from it, only about the length of my pinkie, even if I can't make out how deep it is. The sight still managed to make me go a bit more pale, though.

"Anon." My gaze is pulled back at Rarity as she speaks my name, her voice sending a shiver traveling down my spine. As I look into her blue eyes, my breath hitches. I swallow hard, trying to force down the painful lump in my throat as I feel a growing wish to shrink further into the upholstery. My labored, raspy breaths are trembling as much as my body is, the image of those very same eyes I am now staring into, that just a moment before had been filled with such hatred, is still vivid inside my head. She had tried to kill me, she had been so close. I hardly even dare to blink. Her face falls, growing mournful as she peers into my eyes, and the fear inside them.

She looks so... heartbroken. Only now do I notice how disheveled she actually looks. The whites of her eyes have turned a light pinkish tone, the makeup around them is smudged, most of it cleaned off, but I can still spot traces of black lines on her cheeks from where her tears had caused it to run. Her mane and tail are a mess, completely soaked into thick, wet clumps hanging limply down the sides of her face and over her flank, tail dragged lifelessly across the floor like a purple mop.

"Please, you must calm yourself. You're back at the boutique." She manages to keep her voice calm and even, regaining her composure in order to give me a look of tender concern. I can't seem to stop panting, even as it slows down it feels like something heavy is pressing against my chest, making it difficult to breathe. Sweat continues to pour down my skin, my head feeling clogged and heavy as I turn it to look around. The room swivels somewhat as I take it in, but I do recognize it as one of the backrooms in the boutique, were Rarity would sometimes work on special time-consuming projects. A few of my own clothes had been created in this very room.

A voice calls out to me from the other side of the door, beckoning me to enter. Fabric and tailoring equipment litters the room, strewn over the floor, chairs and tables. "Organized chaos", she would insist on calling it. Proof that she can be just as much of a slob as she claims I am, I say. Several ensembles of various clothes are levitating in the air, posed as if worn by invisible models. Nothing fancy, but practical, all in my size, made to perfection, but still not without some style. She lifts her hoof, presenting my new garments to me with a dainty gesture. She seems bored, even as I thank her, turning away with her nose in the air, saying that I am welcome but that such simple garments are not truly worth her talents. I tell her maybe next time, if I am ever invited to some high class gathering, she can try her crazy fro-fro designs. I spot a small glimmer in her eye, even as she huffs, saying she won't be holding her breath. I make a rude gesture behind her back.

I am pulled back to the present when I notice a third presence in the room. The lump in my throat grows as soon as I spot her, standing slightly further away and to the side. Her mulberry coat is just as drenched as the other mares'. She looks in my direction, but keeps her eyes from directly meeting mine. Standing next to her is a small table with a bunch of rags and a bottle, bearing a label I can't make out.

"We were out looking for ya, when we almost ran right into Cheerilee. She led us to ya." Applejack speaks up. Hearing her own name, Cheerilee lifts her head enough to almost look me in the face, a small smile forms on her lips only to quickly disappear again as she eyes my body with concern. "We found ya in the alley, in pretty bad shape too. Had to carry ya." The farm pony looks over to Rarity with a small frown. "Ah wanted to get ya to the hospital but-"

"That is on the other side of town." Rarity interrupted her, meeting her eyes for a moment, mirroring her frown before directing her gaze to the floor instead. "I can patch him up, stop the bleeding," she lifts her head and looks at me again, taking another step forward, making me tense up again, "we have already cleaned the wound, but we have to finish sewing it up and bandage it." Our eyes meet once more, she seems to be on the verge of tearing up and there was a small crack in her voice as she spoke. "Please."

I can't really think of anything to say to the mare. I don't think I could even if I did think of something. My tongue and throat feels as dry as sand, and the room just won't stop weaving back and forth. A cough escapes me, the motion of my chest sending a fresh jolt from my wound, making me finally lose what little strength I have and I fall back down in the couch with a groan, laying on my back. I moan and squeeze my eyes shut, trying to fight through the lightning going off in my head.

Cracking my eyelids open just enough to glance at the ponies in the room, I see that they all have taken a few steps closer towards me, all of them staring at me with pleading and anxious eyes. Not having much of an option, at least how I see it, I turn my gaze up at the ceiling, take a steadying breath down my aching throat, and give a single, small nod.

Finally receiving my consent, they immediately gather around me. Their voices start growing more muffled once again, as I feel myself just teetering on the edge of consciousness. My sight darken and brighten in varying intervals. I can hardly feel anything except for the soreness of my throat and the heat of my skin as it clashes with a piercing chill permeating through my bones, making my joints ache. I let out a small, wheezing breath and try to clear my throat. I hear Rarity's voice, speaking words I can't make out.

A few seconds later I feel a hoof sliding under my head, lifting it softly from the seat cushion, and something cool pressing against my bottom lip. Blinking, my sight focuses enough for me to make out a glass, held in a dark cerise hoof, filled with clear water, held up to my mouth. I slowly part my dry lips and the glass is gently tipped. A trickle of cold water splashes against my tongue and I weakly swallow it down, the coldness at first stings in my throat, but soon turns to relief as I feel my throat soften from the liquid. More water enters my mouth, small sips at a time, giving me time to gulp it down before the next one, each time getting slowly easier to swallow.

After two or three more gulps of the refreshing water, I tip my head back and the glass is moved away from my lips, giving me the chance to gasp for air, the water's effect on my now slightly less aching throat having made me forget to breathe for a moment. I close my eyes, silently giving thanks for the much needed relief, even if the rest of my body did not feel much better. I feel my head being lowered once again, only this time I find it sinking into the soft surface of a pillow once the hoof holding me carefully slides away. A quiet sigh escapes my lips when I feel its coolness against the back of my head.

Something soft rubs across my forehead, soaking up the sweat covering it. I slowly open my eyes again. Moving them upwards, I see Cheerilee just as she removes her hoof from my face, holding a soaked rag in it. Our eyes meet and she pauses. She scans my face with worried looks and seems to search for something in my eyes, before the edge of her mouth curves slightly upwards in a small, reassuring smile. It doesn't really make me feel any better. I'm not sure if I'm feeling anything right now, emotionally at least. I just stare blankly at her, like my mind isn't really sure what exactly it is seeing.

I let my eyes drift down, looking at the other two mares hovering over me. Rarity is staring at my chest with an unflinching focus, hardly even blinking, her horn alight with its magical aura as she keeps working the needle. Applejack's eyes, on the other hand, keeps shifting from staring at my wounds with worry and throwing suspicious, sidelong glances at Rarity, only stopping when she reaches out with a towel to clean any fresh blood off of my chest. My vision begins to lose focus again, so I close my eyes again, letting my mind drift, just listening to my own heartbeat. A hoof once again presses against my forehead for a second before retracting.

"He's burning up." I hear Cheerilee's voice through the mist in my mind. It's followed by more muffled words, only a few sentences coming in clear enough to discern.

"... Why do ya even have things like disinfectant and antibiotics in yer home?"

"Between our adventures and the Crusaders' antics, I thought it would just be a matter of time... took lessons..." Rarity's voice fades in and out in my ears before I can no longer hear anything.

I don't know for how long I just feel like I'm drifting in darkness. My mind can't focus, every thought is mostly just feverish nonsense. Sometimes I see familiar faces, sometimes places I used to visit or events I used to hold dear, but everything's disjointed, unfocused, constantly in flux, shifting and changing. It's making me dizzy, like suffering vertigo or that nauseating gut-punch feeling when you fall.

Eventually, light slowly returns to my vision and I find myself staring into the ceiling of the back room again, no ponies standing over me, no sounds of movement, just the ceiling. The room's no longer spinning, but my brain feels like it's made out of lead. I glance down over my body. All the blood has been cleaned off, and the red-stained towels have been switched out from under me. The blanket has been pulled up to my ribs, and white bandages have been wrapped around my chest and left shoulder, primarily over the left side of my chest, to cover up my wound. I can't recall any of this happening. I try to sit up, but with a pained grunt I'm forced to accept that that won't be happening.

"Easy there." I hear a familiar drawl from my left, speaking in a tired, strained voice. I shift my eyes towards Applejack, sitting in the other end of the room, Cheerilee sitting next to her, none of us looking each other in the eyes. The bloodstains have been scrubbed out of the farm pony's now dry coat, and there is a hint of relief in her gloomy face. "Ya feelin' any better?"

"No." I answer her without emotion, seeing her head lower somewhat before turning my eyes back at the ceiling. I did not really feel like talking to her. Her words from earlier today are still fresh in my mind and they still hurt just thinking about. Still, there is a distinct pang of guilt in my chest, she did carry me all the way here and helped patch me up. And what Rarity told me, about Applejack... Maybe I'm too harsh in judging her. And after all, didn't I pour out my own guilt to Rarity over what happened to them? I do owe them...

Against my wishes, my eyes drift back towards the apple farmer sitting on her haunches. Her hat is lying on the floor at her hooves, her eyes looking forlornly at it as she appears deep in thought. Cheerilee keeps giving her sympathetic looks, even if she can't seem to get a read on what is going through Applejack's mind, but doesn't say anything.

Damn it... Why do I still want to believe in you, Applejack?

"Thank you." Applejack flinches slightly at my words, though they were little more than a whisper, and she lifts her head and stares right at me in surprise. I tilt my head to better face her, looking at each other in silence. I really wish I could force a smile right now, to at least let her think things are better. I can't do it though. I can't just forget what she said. I only hope my words sounded sincere enough for her.

No smile creeps unto her lips, no light of hope igniting in those green eyes. Instead, her ears droop and she lowers her eyes down at the floor again, her face seeming even more somber. I don't know what I was expecting, but I'm still surprised by her reaction. It just doesn't seem like Applejack to just give up this easily. I regard the dark rings under her eyes, still as clear as earlier today. She looks so miserable. I try to will myself to come up with something to say, when the sound of the door leading out to main room creaking open catches our attention, drawing everyone's eyes to see Rarity enter the room.

Like Applejack, the blood has been scrubbed out of her coat, not leaving so much as a single pink smudge anywhere on her pearl white body. Her mane also looks better, slightly damp from a recent shower and freshly combed, though it lacks its usual curls. A distinct and familiar hum, sending a chill down my spine, draws my eyes to her horn, shimmering in the bright blue field of her magic. A quiet, startled gasp escapes me. I try to throttle it so no one hears, but I notice Applejack glancing towards me, before directing her gaze back at Rarity, with less kind eyes, watching her intently as she approaches me.

Her steps are cautious to the point of timidness, eyeing my face all the way as she draws closer, like she was approaching a scared animal, trying to make herself seem nonthreatening while gauging my reactions. I try to sit up again, and with some difficulty I manage to at least prop myself up on my elbows, some of the nausea returning in my new position. I still can't look her directly in the eyes, every time I try I'm reminded of that hateful glare, making my gaze falter and look for somewhere else to rest.

She comes to a stop about a meter away from me and stands there silently watching me. A cold feeling sets in my gut, making me shudder as I lower my head to look at the floor under her hooves. A few seconds pass without either of us saying or doing anything, though it feels like an eternity. Suddenly, the tone of her magical aura shifts ever so slightly in pitch as something is levitated in front of my face. With a start, I lift my head and stare at the object... A large cup. It is just hovering there in front of me, held in the embrace of bright blue light. Inside it is a murky liquid that reminds me of the stuff they gave me at the hospital, only this one is steaming like freshly brewed coffee and it's giving off an unfamiliar, herbal scent.

"It's a little something Zecora whipped up for me when Sweetie Belle got sick once." Rarity speaks up after I've done nothing but curiously stare at the cup for several seconds. There is not much emotion in her voice, aside from tiredness. I find my eyes drifting from the cup, finally managing to meet hers. Initially, I feel my heart making a startled jump in my chest, but it quickly fades away when I look at her face. Even though her appearance is remarkably improved since I first woke up in this room, the exhausted, stressed out look on her face, the sadness in her eyes, she still looks just as miserable as before.

"It will suppress the fever, as well as help your body bring it down on its own quicker." She continues and levitates the cup closer to me. I eye the cup and the liquid inside of it with some small apprehension. Can't quite shake the feeling of how wrong it seems to accept help from a mare who just recently assaulted me. One more glance at her face though, at those sad, pleading eyes, and my apprehension seemingly melts away, leaving an aching feeling in my heart. The Rarity I see before me isn't the angry one, attacking me with anything in reach while screaming, or the haughty one who would barely notice my existence unless it suited her. All I see is the crying, violated mare, lying on the floor, gasping for breath and pleading for her life.

Leaning into my left elbow, I turn my upper body and reach out with my other arm. I grip my trembling fingers around the cup, almost dropping it as my touch dissipates the magic gripping it. It's happened more than once when a unicorn's tried to hand me something with their magic. The cup is warm, but not too hot to the touch. It's actually quite pleasant as I trail my fingers along the smooth ceramic, savoring the warmth.

"You should also drink this, you've lost quite a bit of blood." Using her magic, she pulls the small table over, its surface cleared of the rags and bottle, and places a large glass of water down on it. Another magical hum catches my ears as something is laid out at my feet on the couch. Glancing down, I see a small pile of neatly folded clothing lying there, just as my shoes come levitating down and placed gently on the floor.

"We will be waiting in the main room while you get dressed." With that, she turns around and walks back towards the door, stopping to look back at me with those pained eyes one last time before walking out. Cheerilee quickly follows after her, leaving only Applejack left in the room with me. Finally letting her hawk-like gaze off of Rarity once she's left the room, she turns back to me, flinching as our eyes meet. She seems to be trying to say something, but failing to find her voice, lets her eyes drop down to the floor, resting them on her hat for a moment, before finally picking it up with her hoof, replacing it on its rightful place on top of her head and leaving the room as well, closing the door behind her.

Finally alone and with a chance to catch my breath, I take a moment to go over the events of the day. From leaving the hospital, meeting Pinkie, Applejack and Rarity, the fight, to waking up in that alley. I've been cut and bruised, not to mention my psychotic episodes, or whatever they are. I glance over my beaten and bandaged body, giving a tired sigh. What am I doing? What is my life turning into? And just what am I supposed to do? Another, more annoyed sigh escapes me. How many times have I asked myself that question now? Too many, and still no closer to an answer.

I look down at the cup in my hand again, staring blankly at my distorted reflection on the surface of the murky concoction. I shouldn't have woken up in that alley. Had the cut been deeper or closer to the heart, maybe I wouldn't have. Hell, given enough time maybe I would've eventually bled out. My thought drift to Cheerilee. All she had to do was turn around and walk away, and nature would have taken its course. Can't say I'm surprised that she didn't though, even if I can't say I know her all that well, she doesn't strike me as the type of pony to abandon someone to their fate. I wonder how she's been coping? Is she still as scarred as the rest of us over what happened? She's been just as good at keeping her distance from me as most other ponies, I've hardly even seen her in town the last year, not that I was keeping a lookout anyway. Has she been quietly hating me as well? She really should have just left me there...

I shake my head to push those thought away. Just how many times am I going to keep telling myself that? If I really believed that, than why do I keep fighting? How come whenever I find myself on the brink of oblivion, that when something pulls me back to life, I let it? Maybe I'm just a coward... Or I really do want to live. And if so, for what? For a chance at happiness? One last hurrah, to make things right? Maybe I'm doing it for them? That no matter what I've done, or how they've shunned me, I still want to belong?

Peering deeper into my reflection, I stare into my own eyes. Maybe I just want to prove to myself that there really is something in me worth saving?

I give my head another shake. All these questions are giving my already sore head a headache, and I'm not going to find any answers lying here. I take a deep breath through my nose, getting a fresh waft of steaming herbs from the cup, the scent not at all unpleasant. Giving the contents one last once-over, I then bring the cup to my lips and start pouring the liquid into my mouth. Despite how it had reminded me of the nasty-looking stuff I got at the hospital, unlike that practically tasteless brew this one had a taste that reminded me of cinnamon. As it travels down my throat, its warmth spreads throughout my body, easing the chilling ache in my bones. Quickly, the throbbing dizziness in my head dies down, like a great weight is lifted from it, and the muscles in my throat start feeling more relaxed. Once I've downed the last drops, I bask in the sweet relief overcoming me. When the warmth in me dies down, so does the heat of my skin, ebbing out to a more lukewarm temperature, which only enhances the feeling of release. A small part of me could still sense the fever, like a nagging reminder in the back of my head, but it is so small I don't even care right now.

I lay down on the pillow for a few minutes, relishing the feeling, taking advantage of this fleeting moment of comfort while it lasts. Maybe living isn't so bad after all? Eventually though, I decide to get up and get dressed. Almost immediately I regret that decision, since I'm reminded of the state of the rest of my body. Through the pain and a lot of gritted teeth, I do manage to eventually get to my feet and start dressing myself, though standing up left me suddenly very dizzy for a moment. Reminding myself of what Rarity said about losing blood, I grab the glass of water and down it quickly, it doesn't really help with the dizziness, but hopefully it's a start.

Once I've got my underwear, jeans and socks on, I stop just as I'm about to put on the shirt. It is not the same as the one I wore before, this one was a dark blue, almost to the point of black, as opposed to the white one I had been wearing. I grab ahold of the hoodie lying on the couch and scan over it. It looks the same, but without any signs of use, neither wear nor tear, like it was just made. I stand there for a moment, one garb in each hand, looking back and forth between them. Either I was out cold for longer than I thought or I've been underestimating just how fast Rarity can work. I glance over at the window, it's still bright outside, even brighter than when I stumbled into the alley, now that the rain had ended, so it can't be that late in the afternoon yet. So, does that mean... Did she really just... make these now? I suppose she is familiar with their designs, having made these types before, and it's not like there's anything complicated about them, unlike the dresses she usually makes... But still...

I shake myself out of my surprise, deciding to leave the subject be, and finish getting dressed. The wound between my shoulder and chest hurt like a son-of-a-bitch while trying to pull the shirt over my head, I almost thought I was going to pop my stitches, not to mention my still very sore ribs, but I managed to get through it. But once again, it was the damn shoes that gave me the worst trouble. I am so thankful for the privacy of being alone, to preserve what little dignity I have left. My back hurts just thinking about the awkward angles I had to put myself into.

The sound of voices from the main room catches my attention. I can hear Applejack and Rarity talking, but I can't make out the words. As I move towards the door, leaving the cup and glass on the small table, Applejack's voice suddenly starts growing slightly louder and angrier, while Rarity's sounds almost... pleading. I place my fingers around the doorknob and twist.

"... and Ah find ya sitting here crying yer eyes out and things thrown all over the place!" I stop just as I start to open the door, leaving it at just a small crack. I lean myself closer to the door and listen. "Just what happened when Anon was here?"

"I-I- I-" I hear Rarity's voice stutter, cracking with nervousness, "I wanted to apologize to him. F- For the way I had treated him. I just... I just wanted to put the past behind us and start over..."

"And how did that end up with Anon bleedin' in an alley?" Applejack's voice grows dangerously low as she speaks, sounding more menacing. "What. Happened?"

"I-I.... I..." Rarity sounds like she is coming close to crying. With a pull from my wrist, I open the door all the way and step into the room.

"I hurt myself when I fell." I say loudly enough to grab everyone's attention as I stop just inside the room. The debris from Rarity's barrage has been cleaned up, the only signs left are the dents and a single deep cut in the wallpaper on one of the walls. All of them are sitting on the floor, except for Applejack, who is standing in front of Rarity, almost right up in her face. Cheerilee sits a bit away from them, eyeing them with a look of worry. The fashionista herself has her head hanging low under Applejack's scrutinizing glare. At the sound of my voice, they all turn their heads with a start, staring at me in surprise. They stay like that for a few seconds of silence, before Applejack's gives me a skeptic look, raising one of her eyebrows.

"When ya fell?" The disbelief is clear in her voice as she says it.

"Yeah." I answer, my voice steady and firm, meeting her gaze unflinchingly. "In the alley, when I fell, I cut myself on some of the trash."

She stares at me silently, a frown of disapproval mixing with the skepticism in her face. I walk further into the room, but keep a two meter distance between us, folding my arms across my chest, managing not to wince from my wounds, and just stare back at her with a blank expression, holding my ground. Her eyes narrow slightly as she scans my face. I have no doubt that she doesn't believe me, but she doesn't have to, I'm still not budging. Rarity is still watching me with the same wide-eyes surprise as when I entered the room, while Cheerilee looks between all three of us, seeming uncomfortable with the silent tension.

"That it? Ya really gonna stick with that story?" Applejack finally breaks the silence, giving an exasperated sigh, making it clear she wasn't buying any of it.

"What more do you want?"

"The truth! The whole truth."

"Why? Because I owe you?" The words comes out of my mouth before I can even react and I bite my tongue. Instantly, her face falls, ears laying back against her head as she stares at me in stunned silence, before lowering her eyes with a shamed look. That ice-cold feeling returns to my gut. I didn't mean to say that, to make her sad yet again. Despite how her words had hurt, I didn't want to use it against her like this, just to shut her up.

"I'm- I'm sorry..." I stutter out. Applejack just shuts her eyes and shakes her head, looking every bit as ashamed. She's blaming herself, I can tell... It's what I've done countless times to myself. You idiot, please don't let her drag herself down that same road as you. "Applejack... I... I..."

"Anon." Rarity calmly interjects. Her eyes are wet as she looks up at me pleadingly while shaking her head. I purse my lips tightly shut, cursing myself for not knowing what to say. Keeping my silence instead, I watch Rarity as she turns towards her friend looking over her with sad eyes. She seems to hesitate, taking a deep breath to steel herself.

"Applejack..." Her voice manages to make the cowpony open her eyes and lift her head to look at her. Her eyes are wet as well. The resignation in Rarity's voice tells me what she's about to say. She's going to reveal everything that happened, what she did. I feel my pulse quicken, and all I can think about is having to see another pony risk being dragged off to prison. I can't let her do that. "T- The truth is-" Before I can say or do anything, the front door to the boutique is suddenly thrown open, startling all of us.

"Rarity!?" A high-pitched voice calls out, followed by the sound of two sets of tiny hooves come running.

"Sweetie Belle?" Rarity barely manages to speak before her little sister throws herself at her, throwing her tiny hooves around her neck in a hug, catching the older unicorn off guard.

"Sis!" Another, slightly less high-pitched voice calls out, with a distinct drawl.

"A- Apple Bloom?" The youngest of the Apple-siblings runs over to Applejack. Though she doesn't throw herself at her like her little unicorn friend, she still leans up against her with her hooves around one of her sisters forelegs, looking up at her face with worry. Me and Cheerilee just look at each other then back at the sisters.

"Sweetie? What's wrong? What are you doing here?" Rarity asks, prying her little sister away from herself to look at her face, still holding her in her hooves. The little unicorn looks to be on the verge of tears.

"We thought that maybe something had happened to you." She squeaks out in a worried voice, giving a loud sniffle to keep any tears from coming out. Judging by her breathing, she had been running a lot.

"To me? Whatever do you mean?" Sweetie Belle does not answer her. Instead, she turns her head towards me, and the moment her big, green eyes fall on me, she gives me the angriest glare I've ever seen on her tiny face. She pulls away from Rarity, turning completely in my direction, drilling her eyes into me.

"What is he doing here?" I've never heard her sounding so angry before. I don't think Sweetie Belle ever took that much of a liking to me, not because of any personal dislike towards me, I think. She didn't seem to take any real kind of umbrage whenever I was around at least. It was probably just because her sister didn't like me. That was before the night I attacked Rarity, though. Even if I haven't seen her since then, I can't possibly think she would have any good opinions about me nowadays. If her tone, and that glare is any indication, I'd say I'm right.

"Sweetie Belle?" Rarity gives her sister a quizzical look. Apple Bloom lets go of Applejack's leg and positions herself between us in a guarded stance, giving me a glare of her own, to her older sister's bewilderment.

"We were taking cover from the rain over at Sugarcube Corner," she starts, keeping her bright orange eyes on me, "when we heard ponies sayin' they've seen Anon going into the boutique and that they later saw 'im running around the streets, shouting like a crazy-pony." Sweetie Belle turns back towards her sister, the look of worry back on her face.

"He didn't hurt you, did he, Rarity?"

"N- no, he didn't..." Rarity seems to still be caught of guard, staring at her sister with a dumbfounded look on her face, before finally snapping out of it, giving Sweetie a serious but gentle look. "He didn't hurt me. Sweetie Belle, what are you on about?"

"Ya can't trust this varmint!" Apple Bloom shouts out, pointing an angry hoof at me. I'm so taken aback, I actually find myself flinching away from it.

"Apple Bloom!" Her sister exclaims sternly, giving her a disapproving look. Sweetie Belle walks up to her friends side, the angry glare returning as she directs it at me again. "What kinda talk is that?"

"We haven't forgotten what he did!" Apple Bloom continues on, "for what he did to the both of ya." Her glare intensifies, burning into me. I actually start shying away from these two fillies, averting my eyes to the ground. Apple Bloom had been my friend, even if she wasn't as overly enthralled by me like Scootaloo, she would still always hang around me whenever I visited the farm, asking questions or playing together with Winona. There is nothing of that filly I knew in those eyes. "And for what Ah saw ya do to Cheerilee, you-"

"Apple Bloom." The teacher pony speaks up, her voice quiet and calm. All of us turn to look at her. She meets Apple Bloom's eyes with a sad frown on her face, shaking her head slowly from side to side. "Don't."

The young fillies' ears droop, averting their eyes to the floor. Their teacher regards them with what looks like disappointment written on her face. Looking in her direction, my eyes are quickly drawn towards the front door, specifically towards the tiny figure standing just inside of it, until I am staring deeply into the big, purple eyes of the third member of the crusaders. My eyes widen, my body grows stiff and a quiet gasp escapes my lips. All the other mares look at me, then follow my eyes to the pegasus filly that had so far stood quietly in the room.

No one says a word, and she doesn't seem to register the others staring eyes, looking at nobody but me. Slowly, she starts walking further into the room, coming closer towards us.

"Scootaloo?" Sweetie Belle asks quietly as the filly just walks past the older mares. Just as she passes her two best friends, moving closer towards me, I instinctively take a step back, making her stop in her tracks. For a second time today, I feel like I just want to run away, to flee and just keep running. She stands there, looking into my eyes. She is hurt by my reaction, I can see it in her face.

"I'm sorry." Her voice is quiet when she speaks, and as soon as the words are spoken the edges of her mouth start trembling, though she stubbornly fights back against any tears. The panic in me is instantly replaced by confusion, a feeling that is spread across the faces of the others in the room as all of us regard the filly pegasus. Apple Bloom walks closer to her, eyeing her friend's face.

"Scootaloo. Ya've got nothin' to apologize for." The little yellow filly took the words right out of my mouth. Whatever could she be apologizing for? What she gets from Scootaloo though, is an angry frown, her body still fighting back the urge to let the tears well up.

"Yes I do!" Apple Bloom takes a step back as Scootaloo turns back to look at me. "I told Rainbow Dash. I told her what happened to me." She clenches her eyes tightly shut and lowers her head. "And she attacked you... And you ended up in the hospital, because I told her... It's all my fault."

"Scootaloo, no..." Rarity says gently, walking up to her and puts a hoof on her shoulder, which gets promptly shrugged of by the tiny pegasus. The unicorn takes the hint and lets her hoof rest on the floor, giving the filly a sympathetic look. "What happened was not your fault. She was just... upset..." Her voice falters at the end, directing a guilty look at the floor.

"She was my hero... I didn't know who else to turn to... So I told her... But I didn't want this..."

"Was?" I finally speak up, my voice thick and heavy, drawing Scootaloo's eyes back at me, though she lowers it again once she thinks over my question.

"I confronted her after I heard what she did to you... I- I yelled at her, told her that's not what a hero does... Said she was no hero... And... And that I didn't want to see her anymore..." Everyone in the room goes wide-eyed at that. In my mind, I remember seeing Rainbow in the hospital room, how depressed she had looked. I'm not the bad guy... I'm not... That's what she said. "Now I haven't talked to her since... If only I hadn't said anything..." Her tiny body is shivering now, but she still refuses any tears from escaping her eyes.

"Scootaloo..." I start, but immediately trail off. I see her wince at my voice, shutting her eyes tight again and frowning.

"C'mon, Scootaloo, ya can't blame her, after what he did-"

"Shut up!" She roars, spinning around to glare at Apple Bloom, making everyone flinch and stare at her in shock. "He didn't do anything!"

"Yes, he did!" Sweetie Belle loudly protests, drawing Scootaloo glare. "He attacked my sister!"

"No, he didn't-"

"I was there! The night it happened, I was here, in my room. I heard everything." I think my heart just stopped. She had been there? I stare at the tiny unicorn filly in shock. If... If I hadn't left when I did... If the guards hadn't shown up, and I had found her... What would have happened? What would I have done to her? "I found her on the floor when he left, I thought she was going to die."

"Oh, Sweetie..." Rarity speaks sadly, putting a hoof around her sisters shoulders, but the filly keeps her defiant look on Scootaloo.

"And he did it to mah sister too!" Apple Bloom punctuates the sentence with a stomp of her hoof "I even saw 'im do it in the school. Don't ya remember?" Hadn't she been so focused on Scootaloo, she would've seen the frown returning to Cheerilee's face, or Applejack standing up with a look of disapproval. My heart just keeps sinking with every word spoken, they would've brought up many painful memories, if they weren't always present in my mind already. Scootaloo just gives the farm filly a very level look, narrowing her eyes.

"I know what happened. It happened to me too, or did you forget?" This causes the entire room to go silent again. Her two friends give each other guilty looking glances, while the mares just give her pained, understanding looks. I avert my eyes again, the feeling of nails penetrating my heart. What have I put you through, little Scootaloo?

"But he didn't do it." Surprised, I turn my attention back to the filly. I meet her eyes, her body turned to the side so she can look back at me. "I know that, and so does everypony." She turns back towards the girls, looking each and every one of them in the eyes. "So why does everypony still act like it's his fault!?" The accusation in her voice makes everyone look at each other with guilt and shame. "Why does everypony keep telling me to stay away from him? Am I the only one who sees him for what he really is?" Her voice cracks and falters, making her swallow hard to fight back against her body's need to cry. She turns around towards me, looking up at my face.

"He's my friend." I feel my heart jump and my breath hitching. Our eyes meet again, hers are starting to shimmer with wetness, but still no tears. We look at each other in silence for a while. I'm stunned. I so want to believe her, but a part of me knows she's just being naive... And I still can't forgive myself. I avert my eyes to the floor again with a heavy sigh.

"Scootaloo..."

"Stop calling me that! You almost never used to call me by my name." Her voice is trembling at this point, but I keep my eyes on the floor, even as I hear her take a step closer to me. "Please... I've lost my hero... Don't let me lose my friend too... I just can't believe you would ever hurt me on purpose..." She tries to stifle a small whimper, making her voice choke. I glance over at her, she has fallen down on her haunches, her head leaning down so far her muzzle is almost touching the floor. I raise my eyes higher, looking at the other girls. All of them are watching us in silence, their eyes having gone misty, the two fillies having tears gathering in the corners of their eyes.

I let my eyes rest on Scootaloo's trembling form. So small and so young. What she's had to go through is just horrible. I would give anything, do anything just to see her smile again. That thought ignites something in the back of my mind. Anything. Were it within my power, there was no price I wouldn't pay in order to make all of them smile again.

Slowly, I crouch down, ignoring my body's protests, until I'm down on one knee. I look over the little filly's face, her eyes and teeth are clenched so tight her face is scrunched up. She keeps choking back her sobs. Stubborn little filly, you're more like your idol than you know. I reach my hand out to her, extending my index finger, and then proceed to boop her on the nose. She pulls her head back with a start, blinking a few times before looking down at the tip of her muzzle with a puzzled look on her face.

"Hey, Scoots..." At the mention of her nickname, she looks up at my face with wide eyes. Have to admit, it does feel good to say it again. "I would never. Ever. Intentionally hurt you." Her eyes grow even wider, the tears she'd fought so hard against finally starting to well up in them, her lower lips begins to quiver as she desperately bites into it to try to stop it.

She throws herself at me, burying her head into my chest, as she throws her arms around my abdomen. Catching me off guard, the first sensations I feel are pain from my wounds and dread over feeling her touch, making my first instinct to pull away, but the desperate grip she has around me, like her life depended on it, makes me stay put. So I just stand there on one knee, my arms placed awkwardly out to the sides, looking down at this tiny filly hugging me for dear life. She's openly crying now, sobbing loudly, and I can already feel a wet patch forming on my chest. I still feel uneasy having her touch me, but something else is overpowering that feeling, something familiar that I can't place; a lightness, and a feeling that this, right here, is right.

Slowly and carefully, I start lowering my arms. I'm feeling myself starting to choke up as well, my sight growing misty. When my hands are an inch away from her, I freeze up, letting them hover there. My hands are trembling. What am I doing? Pry her off me, I don't deserve her friendship. She can't really forgive me... I take a deep breath, calming myself. I look deep inside myself, searching past my fears. What do I really want? Another breath. I wrap my arms around her, pulling her deep into my embrace. She gasps in surprise, but then starts crying harder, digging her hooves even deeper into my sides.

Another sob draws my eyes towards the other girls, all of them are crying too, the fillies most of all, their sisters holding them tightly in their hooves. I look back down at the little pegasus in my own arms, not being able to keep my own tears from finally flowing as well. My face feels strange, my lips feel like they're being stretched, pushing my cheeks to the side. I realize that I am smiling. A small, sobbing chuckle escapes my lips. I am smiling. A real smile. I can't even remember the last one I had. I suddenly recognize that strange familiar feeling inside of me.

Happy. I'm feeling happy.

Author's Notes:

Hello again!
Man, talk about cutting it close... I got stuck on a part of the story while going over it, I just didn't feel satisfied with it, and it took me a while to fix it. Also, since I just had to point out how I had managed to avoid getting sick... I of course got sick...
See? This is why I don't like giving release dates, even if they are vague.

Aside from that, I've been waiting to finally write that scene with Scootaloo, ever since chapter 3 or 4 even. I have been longing to write that for so long.

I think I've also found the official song for this story:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=64E-ql_Fm_M

I'm just glad it didn't take so long to write this chapter. (At least compared to the one before.)
I hope you liked it, I know I liked writing some more heartwarming scenes for a change.

And remember, I always appreciate your output, for which I am greatly thankful.

Until next time!

~Red Angel

Update: Holy crap! I actually got featured!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dXVwrhvM0t8

No More Nightmares

by red_angel

Chapter 1 - Alone

Chapter 2 - No Rest For the Wicked

Chapter 3 - Old Scars, New Wounds

Chapter 4 - Nothing Gained

Chapter 5 - Yearning For What Has Been Lost

Chapter 6 - My Weakness

Chapter 7 - On Tiny Wings