Chapter 1 - Alone
Chapter 1 - Alone
By: Red Angel
“Why, Anon?”
“Anon… Please…”
“You’re hurting me!”
“No, you monster! You can't do this to me!”
“Not you too, Anonymous! Not you too! I thought you were different!"
“Nooo why why? Why me!?”
“Please, stop! I know you can stop this!”
“No! Nooo! Princess, please, help me!”
“NO! STOP! BIG MAC, HELP ME!”
“Augh! OW! Anon, stop! It hurts!”
“Don't hurt me, please!”
“No! Somepony help me, please help me!”
“Don't do this! You've already ruined my life!”
“I thought we were friends!”
A scream escapes my lips as I shoot up into a sitting position. I grasp my head in my hands, trying to stop the spinning of the room caused by the sudden movement. It’s about as futile as my attempts to banish the images from my dream, the same scenarios on an endless repeat night after night. My breathing is heavy and shaky and I’m drenched in sweat, just like after every nightmare. I’ve tried to forget, but I just can’t. How could I ever forget what I’ve done, the pain I’ve caused.
Maybe some explanation is needed. I am called “Anonymous”, or just Anon for short, and I’m a human. Anonymous is not my real name, but when I arrived in the magical pony-filled world known as Equestria almost four years ago I had no memory of who I was or how I got here. I only remember bits and pieces of my world, the technology, society, media and a bunch of stupid internet memes for some reason but my own life was like a blank page. Anonymous seemed like a fitting name at the time, since that’s what I was. Seemed less cliché than calling myself John Doe at the very least.
Not knowing my past was hard, naturally, especially the first few months, but the ponies here proved to be very helpful once I got to know them and I eventually found friends, even a home in the small town of Ponyville. The name made me cringe at first, I mean, “Ponyville”? Come on. But Ponyville, and by extension Equestria, eventually grew on me and I made a life for myself here. I even found love, or so I thought.
We were taking shelter from a storm in a cave when I decided to confess my infatuation. Turned out she didn’t feel the same way. It tore me up emotionally, like everything I had built up was crumbling down around me and from my inner turmoil something took notice.
Something was waiting in the cave where we took shelter from the rain, something that had been sleeping there for a long time. I was a wreck, vulnerable both emotionally and mentally, making me an easy target and without me even noticing, this… thing claimed me. It filled me with a hunger… A wanting… A lust that would not be denied and it made me… Hurt her. I hurt her so bad. But it did not stop there, it’s perverse, sadistic lust was insatiable. It made me go after others, including my friends, and one after another I hurt them, humiliated and violated them and each time it just got more savage and brutal. Eventually I was freed from its influence, thanks to the intervention of Princess Celestia, but the damage had already been done.
They said it wasn’t my fault, that I’m not to blame and I was forgiven. But I can see it in their eyes, the way they act around me or how they avoid me. They cannot forget. I don’t blame them, how could they ever forget? I certainly can’t, even after almost a year and not for lack of trying.
I slowly rub my hands over my face, running my trembling fingers through the short, scraggly beard that’s grown over months of neglect. My hair is in a similar state, a long, dirty and frizzy mess on top of my head stretching down almost to my shoulders. I don’t care, just getting up in the morning has become a harder task with each passing day, so personal hygiene doesn’t really matter that much to me these days.
I sit here on my couch that’s served as my resting place, if you could call it rest when all you do is toss, turn and scream throughout the night until I wake up like… Well, like I am right now. The couch, along with the blanket atop of me is as drenched in sweat as I am. It’s really starting to reek.
Who am I kidding, it started doing that long ago. It’s practically a hazardous environment now. I used to have another couch, but it was lost along with most of my possessions when Applejack destroyed my old home back when I was public enemy #1. It’s alot less than I deserve, after I… After I...
A familiar feeling is rising in my gut. I throw the thin blanket off me and practically fall out of the couch, desperately grabbing for the bucket on the floor next to it as I kneel down. I just barely manage to position myself over it as I start emptying the contents of my stomach, which isn’t much really. I don’t have much of an appetite anymore so I hardly ever eat, as a result it’s mostly just bile coming up. It doesn’t stop me from heaving for a good painful minute or two before I’m just sitting there spitting and coughing, trying to get the taste of vomit out of my mouth with minimal success. This is also part of my nightly ritual now and it’s just getting worse all the time.
The images start playing in my head again. The screaming and begging. The blood and sound of breaking bone. I fall down on my ass, pulling my knees up, folding my arms over my legs and leaning my head down into them as my body begins to shiver and tears start flowing uncontrollably. My shoulders heaving with every sob. They were my friends. Why couldn’t I have been stronger? Why couldn’t I protect them from myself?
This day will likely be no better than the rest.
One month later and the nightmares have just been getting worse. They keep me awake. I hardly ever sleep now. The only respite I get is when I pass out from exhaustion and sleep deprivation, only to wake up screaming after just a few hours sleep at most.
I haven’t left my house for the past three weeks, I can’t face the ponies outside anymore. My food supplies ran out days ago and I feel no inclination to refill them. My empty stomach aches but I feel no hunger. Can’t keep any food down anyway, it just comes up again half an hour later. The last unfinished meals I’ve had lies scattered around the room, a feast for the flies buzzing around, along with empty bottles, dirty clothes and dark unidentifiable stains, whose origins I can’t recall nor want to know, littered across the floor. The stench of rotten food mixing with the vomit and sweat in the warm stale air. I couldn’t care less. I’m just sitting here, cradling myself in the far corner of the living room with my blanket wrapped around my shoulders, hiding in the shadows from the few streams of sunlight shining through the drapes covering the windows, highlighting the dust dancing in the air.
I have shut the world out, both physically and mentally, I can’t face it anymore. I’ve tried, goddammit I’ve tried. Now I just hide. I’m staying as still as I can, trying not to think of anything, just keeping my mind blank. Everything around me is nothing more than quiet background noise.
I hardly hear the knocking on my door, atleast I don’t acknowledge it, not even as it becomes louder and more frantic. Whoever it is finally notices the door isn’t even locked and just opens it, the fresh source of sunlight and warm summer air entering does nothing to improve the condition of my home. I don’t react. I’m just hoping whoever it is will just leave by their own accord.
No such luck, the soft clopping of hooves carefully making it’s way in can be heard through the daze of my mind. Just go, please, just go away. I then hear a familiar voice and the blood in my veins turn to ice.
“Anon?”
Twilight Sparkle. Figures it would be her of all ponies. She’s one of the few who would still talk to me and the first one to say she forgave me after all I’ve done. Atleast, she’s tried to, bless her heart, but I know it still haunts her. I haven’t seen her in a long time, though I haven’t seen anyone since I shut myself in my home. Why is she here? Also, she never sees me alone, she doesn’t dare to. I briefly wonder who she brought with her, but only for a second. I don’t answer her, I don’t think she’s seen me yet. I just want her to leave.
“Land sakes, Twi, what in Equestria is that smell?”
Applejack, no mistaking that dialect. A chill runs down my spine. Unlike Twilight it’s obvious she hasn’t forgotten what’s happened. She said that she did forgive me and since Applejack is a notoriously bad liar she probably meant it, at least at the time. But forgiving and forgetting are not the same things and she’s been a lot colder whenever I’m around, hardly saying a word to me. I could never bring myself to shop at her stall in the market again and visiting Sweet Apple Acres was absolutely out of the question, I’m probably the most hated being in the world by the entire Apple clan by now. Big Macintosh would probably kill me on sight if Granny Smith doesn’t beat him to the punch, and Apple Bloom… I can’t even imagine what she thinks of me now, not just for what I did to her sister but she also witnessed what I did to her teacher, Cheerilee, as well. Eventually I just stopped seeing Applejack all together.
“Ah’ve never felt anything like this. And just look at this place!” I could hear her gag and snort, trying to get the smell from her nostrils, “Smells like something died…” Everything goes silent, both set of hooves stop dead in their tracks and neither of them say a word for what feels like several minutes. The silence is almost deafening.
“Anon!” Twilight’s voice sounds more urgent now. That little unicorn has such a big heart. “Anonymous! Are you here? Are you alright?”
“Dangit Anon, just say something!”
That’s… That’s Applejack shouting. And she sounds… Worried? I feel like a lump that’s been sitting in my throat just fell right down into my stomach. It’s the first time I’ve heard her speak in anything but a voice that’s either cold or angry in a long time. I’m conflicted, at the same time it feels both great and wrong, it’s something I had hoped for before I gave up on it ever happening and now that it’s here I can’t help but feel that she shouldn’t be like this. She shouldn’t feel anything like this about me. Maybe she’s just worried that I’m gonna jump out of the shadows and take them, she couldn’t really be concerned about me, could she?
I flinch and I feel the smooth surface of a glass bottle brush against my leg. Before I can even register what I’ve done the clinging of thick glass hitting the floor reverberates through the room. Not a loud sound by any stretch of the word, but in the silence of my living room it might as well have been Pinkie Pie firing a dozen party cannons at the same time.
The girls draw a quick startled gasp while my whole body tenses up.
“Fuck…” I whisper, so quietly it probably could even be a match for Flutter… I stop that thought dead in it’s tracks. Don’t think about her. Don’t think about her. I repeat those words in my head like the mantra of a madman. Just don’t think about her. Don’t think about her. Don’t…
Another gasp. Quieter but closer draws me out of my internal rambling.
“Anon?” The pained sadness in Twilight’s voice tears at my heart. Even as I slowly lift my head my gut is turning in my stomach, my mind screaming at me not to look at her, to just go back to my private place and be by myself. Surprisingly, I don’t listen to the crazy voice in my head for once as I find myself staring into a pair of large purple eyes, belonging to an equally purple unicorn.
The moment our eyes meet, Twilight’s face shifts from worry to trepidation, if only for a fraction of a second. She tries to hide it, shifting back to that worried, sympathetic look and trying to stop herself from flinching from my gaze. But it was there, I saw it.
My eyes shift to the right, falling upon the face of an orange earth pony wearing a stetson hat. Applejack is not as subtle with her emotions, visibly going through the range of caution, shock and finally sorrow as she looks at my face.
I must look terrible. I had broken all the mirrors in my home over the course of the last months, so I haven’t gotten a good look at myself in quite some time, but the last time I did it was not a pretty sight even back then. Dark, sunken, bloodshot and puffy eyes, wild and dirty hair. I can only imagine how bad it must be now.
We just look at each other in silence for a while, none of us saying anything. Eventually it becomes too much for me as I lower my head again and turn my eyes back to the ground. My sense of guilt was already hard enough to handle without staring at two ponies I’ve wronged. I can also imagine that having my creepy ass face staring at them would be quite unnerving.
“What’s happened to you?” I swallow hard, my throat is as dry as sandpaper and I try to moisten my lips, but find I have almost no saliva in my mouth, as I think of an answer to Twilight’s question. My mind draws a blank and instead I just continue staring dumbly at the floorboards. Coherent thoughts are difficult for a sleep deprived mind, my thinking tends to be a lot less lucid these days. I shake my head and though it seems to clear the cobwebs somewhat I also become aware of an impending headache. They don’t wait any longer for my answer as Applejack now chimes in.
“Nopony’s seen y’all for weeks, Anon. What’s going on?”
I bite my lower lip slightly. “Nothing’s going on.” I am just as surprised to hear my own voice as they are. It’s hoarse, gravelly and tired. Like leather being dragged through sand. I clear my throat, making a sound like rubbing pebbles together before I continue, “I just want to be alone.”
I know that won’t be enough to convince them to leave, but I’m just so tired I don’t have the strength to argue the point. In my mind I start drifting back to more pleasant days, back to a time where I would have been overjoyed for a visit like this. A surprise visit from friends. We would just talk about what’s been going on, there would have been jokes and laughter, maybe a bit of teasing and some playful jabs at each other. Then we’d probably go out to get something to eat, a picnic or just a quick stop at a café or Sugarcube Corner. We’d talk some more and just bask in each others company until late in the evening.
Twilight is saying something to me, but her words are nothing but a mumbling mess in my ears. By the time I’m back in the present I've already missed what she was saying. I lift my head again, looking at her with a glazed, confused look through the dirty bangs of my hair.
“What?” I mumble out with a tone that matches my dumb look.
They look at each other with puzzled expressions for a second.
“I said we thought something had happened to you and then we find this place looking like this.” Twilight makes a sweeping motion with her hoof across the room before locking eyes with me again, “Something’s obviously going on.” She takes a step forward and tilts her head slightly to the side, examining my face with a worried look. “How long has it been since you last slept?”
I’m not surprised that she picked up on that, if the signs on my face weren't painfully obvious enough then my inability to focus just made it more so. I give her a small shrug.
“I’m not sure. What day is it?” Before she even has a chance to answer I raise my hand up to stop her. “Doesn't matter, I probably still wouldn't know the answer.”
Her lips form into a small frown, that was probably not what she wanted to hear. She starts looking around the room, over the clutter of trash and refuse covering the floor. I see her horn light up with magic, it’s purple glow casting a soft light in the dark room, and a spoon is suddenly hovering in front of my face. I give it the kind of ponderous look a drunkard might give, my sluggish brain trying to figure out its significance.
“Try to follow this with your eyes.” I can hear Twilight say. I give a small sigh but comply. Locking on to the utensil with my eyes.
It starts to slowly move back and forth from left to right and I follow it with my eyes just fine, in fact the only thing it does is making me feel drowsy. I’m just about to question the point of this little experiment when suddenly the spoon is no longer in my sight. My head jerks and I blink when I see something in the corner of my eye, I shift my gaze to the right and see the spoon hanging there. I stare at it dumbfounded before it starts it slow weaving from side to side once again, my eyes following it’s movement until again it seemingly disappears, only to find it floating slightly to the side of where I last saw it. This continues on, with me being unable to keep my eyes on the spoon whenever it picks up the slightest speed or I lose focus, and even a few times where Twilight stops the spoon in the air and me reacting to it half a second later, my eyes still moving along the path it was on before realizing that I’ve lost my target.
Finally, Twilight lowers the spoon, placing it on a plate on the floor with the moldy remains of what I think was once a cheese and lettuce sandwich on it. She gives me a look that’s somewhere between concerned and scolding, the kind of look a parent would give their child when they’re about to tell them off for doing something reckless and stupid.
“You need rest.” She states matter-of-factly. I simply stare back at her without expression and she has to fight not to look away, a struggle she wins, keeping that mothering look in her eyes as she silently tries to drill her words into me.
I say nothing for a while before my dry lips are drawn into a smile. I lower my head as a small chuckle starts to build up in my throat, growing louder and louder until I just throw my head back and start belly laughing. It sounds horrible and not just because of the state of my voice, even my addled brain could notice how hollow it was, sounding more like wailing then an actual laugh, more tragic than joyful. I don’t even know why I’m laughing but I just keep on going for a good five minutes before it finally dies down, leaving me wheezing and chuckling as I wipe the tears that’s formed in my eyes. Then just as suddenly as it came, the laughter and all trace of it just vanishes as I once again just look at the two ponies in front of me.
Both of them have taken a few steps back and Applejack, who had kept very silent for a while now, has a cautious look in her eyes and has placed herself slightly in front of Twilight, who is looking a bit apprehensive.
I cast my eyes down to the ground, somewhat shameful at my sudden outburst. “What I need,” I say, my exhaustion clear in my voice, “is to be left alone.” I begin to stand up, which is proving to be a struggle, I have so little strength in me, my head keeps spinning and my limbs are so stiff from sitting still for such long periods of time it’s like trying to bend dry branches, every move eliciting a loud crack. Eventually I manage to get up on my feet, the blanket falling from my shoulders into a pile on the floor, leaving me standing there in nothing but a pair of stained sweatpants.
I shake my head, further aggravating my growing headache but at least making the room spin less, before I once again turn to the girls, and I’m immediately struck silent by the looks on their faces. They are staring at me with horrified expressions, their eyes wide and their jaws hanging limply as they look over my body. It is finally Applejack that breaks the silence.
“What the hay, Anon! What happened to you?” She is clearly appalled as she points her hoof at my figure. Living here in Equestria, I had developed a pretty healthy lifestyle, I ate a lot of greens while still being able to get my hands on meat from Griffon-merchants or from fishing and helping out around town with any hard work, and the fact that I had to walk everywhere I wanted to go had done wonders to help build up my physique. At my peak I would have been a match for any pony, except some earth ponies, in a fight, something that, sadly, came in handy during my possession.
Now though, I could hardly be any more different from how I was. I am malnourished and emaciated, my ribs pretty clearly visible through my sickly pale skin. I look like a skeleton.
Twilight slowly walks out from behind Applejack, placing herself next to the cowpony. I avert my eyes down and to the side, not being able to look at the building concern in her face reach almost desperate levels as she too looks over my haggard body. She sits down on her haunches, I sneak a quick glance at her and see that her eyes are wet and and tears are starting to form in the corners of her eyes.
“Why have you done this to yourself?” Her voice is barely a whisper and breaking slightly before she swallows hard to fight back the tears threatening to start flowing.
My heart bleeds and I can feel tears of my own starting to well up in my eyes. I want to comfort her, to wipe away those tears and just tell her that everything will be okay.
But I know I can’t. I can’t do that, not anymore. Everything is not okay, it hasn’t been for a long time. I know that if I try to touch her she’ll pull away from me or Applejack will stop me, and nothing I say or do could ever win back that trust. Because I’m a monster, that’s apparently what I am now to everyone. Who cares what I want or what I wish?
My hands ball up in to fists, clenched so tightly that my nails punctures the skin of my palms, drawing blood that slowly drips between my fingers. They want nothing to do with me, because all I do is remind them of the fear they all lived in.
And now that I try to disappear they won’t just leave me alone. Something inside me snaps and I whip my head forward, glaring at the ponies in front of me with tears flowing freely from my eyes.
“Why!?” I practically scream, my voice less gravelly but even more hoarse and cracking from the crying. Twilight jumps up to her hooves and backs away, Applejack once again placing herself between us.
“Because I can’t face them anymore!” I point to the window. “The ponies out there, the fear and contempt in their eyes. Constantly reminding me of what I’ve done! None of them knowing or caring what it was like for me!” My headache is screaming in my ears at this point, but it only spurs my anger and indignation. In a way, I was just as much a victim. I did not want any of this to happen. I was not the one who did those things, I was just a tool. I had been like a gun, no choice in how I was used, just aimed in a direction and fired.
Twilight was openly weeping now, she was afraid, just like she’s always afraid of me deep down, but there were still traces of the sympathy and worry from earlier. Applejack looked like she was ready to pounce if I got too close, standing in a guarded stance, but I could see her hind legs quivering slightly and though she tried to look determined I could swear I saw something else, almost like… shame.
I stand there a while, taking deep, trembling breaths. My fists slowly relax and I hang my head, tears still falling and splashing the dirty floor.
“None of you can forget…” My voice gives out and I try to clear my throat before I continue, “because my face is the one you see in your nightmares.” I have calmed down somewhat, my anger deflating in the face of my exhaustion, it’s momentum dying out. I look up over towards the unicorn and earth pony again. Applejack has relaxed her stance and I could see the glint of a tear in her eye as she looks at me with a sorrowful expression. Twilight was still crying, but no longer looked afraid. She was sitting on her haunches again, her fore hooves covering her mouth as she quietly sobs.
“What none of you realize,” I continue, “is that I have the same nightmares too...”
I turn around. I just can’t look at them anymore. I’m tired, so tired.
“Anon,” Applejack says, trying hard not to cry, “Please, ya need help. You keep going on like this and you’ll die.”
I stand there for a minute, mulling her words over in my head.
“Good.”
My voice is cold and unfeeling as that single word escapes my lips. I meant it and they know it. The air becomes tense and cold as time seems to grind to a halt. The only sound is the soft pitter-patter of three sets of tears hitting the floor.
“Now please… Leave…”
“Anon… I…” I hear Applejack start but I cut her off.
“Please, just go…”
“Anon…” Twilight this time. I don’t give her a chance either.
“Please…”
“But…”
“Please!” I raise my voice and it seems to have gotten the message through as they both fall silent. All of us just stand there in the silence, the sun outside is close to the horizon now, it’s soon time for Celestia to give way for Lunas night. I’m sure they’re trying to find an excuse, a reason to stay, to say something, anything.
Nothing must have come to mind because eventually I hear slow, heavy hooves make their way to the door. I don’t turn around to see them leave. There are no farewells, no wishes for a ‘good night’, just the cold deafening click as the door closes.
As soon as they are gone I fall down to my hands and knees, my tears flowing even greater than before. I shudder and sob until my arms give out and I’m standing on my knees with my forehead pressed against the floor, pounding the underside of my fist into the floorboards as I scream my anguish. I don’t know for how long this is going, but eventually I am just curled up on the floor, silently sobbing as exhaustion finally overcomes my need to cry and darkness claims me.
And just like every night, the nightmares return.
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Damn... That was dark... I loved it!
4424825
Yay Thank you!
My first comment!
I removed the Dark tag from this, maybe I should put it back?
4424836 Well yea man that was rather tragic and dark but I don't know
4424886 Done! The dark will last forever!
4424922 Yes! Yesss! Let it consume us all!
Nice work, glad you took "interest" in the topic of Rape and saw potential. Keep up the good work.
4425587
^This made me laugh
But seriously though, thank you and I hope you continue reading this
4426385 Thank you
I'm gonna try and get started on the next chapter as soon as possible. Right now I'm going over ideas in my head, making sure I get what I want out of it. Already have a pretty good picture of what I want so hopefully it won't take that long.
Reminds me of The Crow
4428301 Really? That's awesome! Thanks!
awesome chapter you are doing a amazing job
4434390 Thank you!
I've actually started on the next chapter right now. Don't know how long it'll take, the first chapter took about 3 days with around 4-5 hours each day.
Good chapter. Keep up the good work
4437169
Thank you, I will do my best
will anon get possess again?
4442707 Do you really want me to give away possible spoilers?
4443060
nah
it alright just wen is the other chapter coming out?
4443090 Well, I can't give an exact date, aside from work a lot of my free time is going into renovating an apartment I'll eventually move into. Also this chapter might end up longer then the first.
However, I know exactly what I want to put in to it and how it will lead in into the 3rd chapter.
So if I were to guess... Maybe Tuesday? Wednesday at the most if nothing interferes too much.
Edit: Oh, and I forgot to say: Thank you for reading my story
I am glad that you're looking forward to the next chapter, and I'll do my best to get it out as fast as I can, just be patient with me 
LOVIN' IT!
Damn, I'm one sick fuck. I have to go kill myself in shame.
*hastily leaves room*
*head peeks through door ever so slightly*
Maybe after the next chapter.
4445253
Dude, don't worry about it. We all have a little sadist inside of us, there's a reason schadenfreude is a thing.
This next chapter is going to get darker though, so hold on to your butts, cause we're going for a ride
Seriously! It's like a dance of death, pain, and madness!
You're a very good writer. This is way better than I could have managed if I had tried for a sequel.
No comment.
As a first story, this is pretty damn amazing. I'm loving the drama this story has.
this is my 5th time reading this
This chapter made me cry! It was heartbreaking!
You have a very good way to express the characters.
5412535 Thank you!
I'm glad you liked it!
... fuck. You bastard. You left me here after this chapter, breathing in ragged bursts, with puffy eyes and wet streaks on my face. I'm not exaggerating.
Much as the raw depiction of emotion in this crushes my soul, I love it for several reasons. On to the next chapter.
:) much better than lost
I mean hurt
This actually reminds me of "I am legend". The book at least. The idea of the hero unintentionally becoming a specter of fear and loathing. Becoming a boogyman. So yeah, well done. This reall got my attention, and makes me want to continue.
I mean i want him to d1e that Will make the the mane 6 depressed buuuuut i want to read more aaand see him suffer