An uptight air force pilot flies into the Bermuda Triangle and wakes up in Ponyville.
Everything always happens in Ponyville, doesn't it? This time, Major Quinn Evans, a pilot for the Air Force, gets sucked into the Bermuda Triangle during a plane flight. But he is surprised to wake up in Ponyville, where he is creeped out by everypony there-- and they're just as creeped out by him.
All was silent over Bermuda. The only thing one could hear was the whistling of the wind blowing through the trees. Five fighter planes flying in formation above the island broke the silence. As they barrel-rolled, the words US Air Force shone on the sides. The leader of the training flight radioed the other planes. "This is Colonel Farrell calling all units, over." "Lieutenant Crombie, over." "Lieutenant Edgar, over." "Captain Nesmith, over." There was a pause. "Major Evans, over." "Alright, this flight right here is to prepare you for the actual battle," said Col. Farrell. "In actual combat, remember, there's a possibility that you'll get shot down. But we're not preparing for that right now. Let's go! Over and out!" The five planes flew into the gray sky ahead of them. "It's too bad Lieutenant Tullard wasn't here today," said Captain Nesmith after a while. "What a time to break his leg, over." "Yeah, but we can live without him, over," said Lt. Crombie. "Remember," Major Evans said, "if we get this right, General Parsons will let us fly in combat and blow up real assholes! Who cares if Tullard isn't a part of the fun? Over." "Well put, Evans," radioed Col. Farrell. "Okay, get ready to break formation! Over." As the planes diverged in separate directions, raindrops started hitting their windows. "Hey, guys?" said Lt. Edgar. "We got what appears to be a storm brewing up ahead. Are you sure we should fly into it? Over." "Relax," said Col. Farrell. "It will be alright. Plus, even if there is lightning, it will prepare us for real combat! Over." "Yeah!" said Major Evans. "A little rain isn't going to kill you!" Suddenly, a large thunderbolt, seeming to come out of nowhere, hit one of the thrusters of Major Evans' plane. "I'm hit!" "Whoa! Didn't see that coming," said Lt. Crombie. "Okay, we’re clearing out. Turn around and follow me until we've cleared the storm," Col. Farrell ordered. As the planes flew away from the storm, the wing on Major Evans' plane caught on fire, sending the plane into a tailspin. "Mayday, mayday! I'm going down!" Evans shouted. He heard no response from the other planes. "Mayday, do you read?" Still no response. "Damnit! The radio must be fried." Evans’ only thought was to land his plane. He jabbed the button that lowered the landing wheels. The smoke from the burning plane made it impossible to see where he was going. What if I land in the water? What if I’m no longer over land? The thought hit him: the Bermuda Triangle. Thinking fast, Evans pushed the eject button. The force threw the seat clear of the plane. He yanked the cord of his parachute and felt the tug of the air pulling on it as his flaming plane hurtled to the ground. As he landed, thankful for his survival, his seatbelt buckle came loose, flinging him face-forward on the ground, the last thing he saw before he passed out. ... Meanwhile, miles away, a yellow pegasus with a pink mane flew through a brightly-colored town, passing other brightly-colored ponies. The loud explosion sounded like it came from only a few miles away. She looked toward it and saw a large cloud of black smoke rising from the ground in that direction.
The sun was blazing in the sky. Its rays were coming down, shining on the trees, grass, and other such normal stuff you would find in a field. It also shined upon a fallen airplane and its passenger lying in front of it. Major Evans opened his eyes. He then shut them again, seeing as how the sun was blazing right into them. "Ugh... where am I?" Suddenly, he remembered. He quickly sat up. "Training flight... Bermuda Triangle... lightning storm... plane crash..." He turned around and saw his plane. It had landed on its wheels, as hoped, but it was still in pretty bad shape. "God damn it!" He got up. "My plane's ruined. How am I going to get back to the others?" He looked around. Wherever I am, he thought. "Well, I sure hope that the smoke from the airplane has sent a signal to tell them where I am! You know, I should stop worrying. I bet they're coming for me right now." ... "Are you sure?" The yellow pegasus was now talking to a lavender unicorn with a dark purple mane. "Yes, I'm positive, Twilight," said the pegasus. "Hmm..." The unicorn known as Twilight thought for a minute. Then her horn started glowing as she levitated up to a bookshelf. Numerous books were thrown by her magical powers off the shelf until, frustrated, Twilight came back down. "I have nothing in my books that say a thing about it," said Twilight. "Do you think maybe your dragon is back, Fluttershy?" "No," said Fluttershy. "I think my words made it leave. Plus, the smoking dissipated a while after I saw it, so it can't be the dragon." "Okay," said Twilight. "Go get the rest of the team. I have a feeling that this is important." "Wha's gon' be impor'ant?" Twilight and Fluttershy turned to see another unicorn and two Earth ponies. The Earth pony who spoke wore a cowboy hat and had freckles, orange fur, and a blonde mane. The unicorn had white fur and a purple mane. The other Earth pony had a reddish mane and bright pink fur. "You arrived just in time," said Twilight. She turned to the orange Earth pony. "Applejack, a while ago Fluttershy heard an explosion and saw smoke. I thought it might be the dragon from a year ago, but Fluttershy doesn't believe it." "Well, I don't reckon the dragon'd be coming back, for he'd've no reason to," said Applejack. "Myself, I thought it was a forest fire, and it died down because the fire d'partment got to it." "You saw it, too?" Twilight was baffled. "Not just me," said Applejack. "All of us!" She nodded at the white unicorn. "Tell 'er, Rarity." "It was absolutely dreadful!" Rarity shuddered. "The explosion knocked me into the mud!" "Okay, we're going to have to look into it," said Twilight. "Where's Rainbow?" Suddenly, a blue pegasus with a rainbow mane flew in really quickly. As she did, she crashed into one of the shelves, knocking some of the books off of it. She landed on her hooves. "Guys! I have to tell you something!" "What is it, Rainbow Dash?" said Twilight. "I'm sure you all know about the explosion," said Rainbow Dash. "Yes," said Twilight. "We were just talking about it when you came in. Do you know anything about the cause of the explosion?" "As a matter of fact," said Rainbow Dash, "I was practicing my flying when I saw something. It's hard to explain, but it appeared that there was a green flash of light and a flaming ball of fire came from it!" "Whoa," gasped Twilight. "Alien invaders, you think?" "I'm not done yet," interrupted Rainbow Dash. "As if all that wasn't odd enough, when the fireball was falling to the ground I saw something come out of it and float to the ground instead. I would've gotten closer but I didn't want to get burnt to death." "Ooh!" said the pink Earth pony. "Aliens are invading!" "I guess you could put it that way, Pinkie Pie," said Twilight, "but--" Pinkie Pie interrupted. "Do you think they like cupcakes?" "Pinkie, if there are aliens, I doubt they have even heard of cupcakes!" yelled Twilight. Pinkie backed off. "As I was saying, I have never heard of any 'alien invasion' in any of the ancient prophecies, which gives this situation even more urgency." "It could just be a meteor," said Rarity. "It could, but that wouldn't explain the bright flash of green light." Twilight paced back and forth. "We're going down there. Spike!" A baby dragon came running down the stairs. "Yes?" "Spike, we're going to leave for a while to investigate about an explosion," said Twilight. "When we get back, I want you to write a letter to Princess Celestia about our findings." "Sure thing," said Spike. "Wait a minute!" exclaimed Rainbow Dash. "What?" said Twilight. "Guys," said Rainbow Dash. "I don't know how to say this to you, but I would feel better going down there alone." "But Rainbow, we've always been a team!" "I know! I would just like to prove myself to you, to prove that I can be sent on missions alone." "Your loyalty is not in question, Rainbow." "Come on! This will give you the chance to write a letter to Celestia about the explosion before we find anything! Can't you please just send me by myself?" Twilight sighed. "Fine, you can go, but I'm sending Rarity and Applejack with you." "I don't need supervision!" "Rainbow, you'd better be glad I'm letting you go alone in the first place." "Fine." As Rainbow Dash, Applejack and Rarity left, Rainbow mumbled, "I hope I'm not too fast for you." Twilight turned back to Spike. "Spike, you heard her. Start writing."
Dear Princess Celestia,
Earlier today, we heard an explosion coming from at least a mile away. We are still unsure about why the explosion occured, but some new findings, such as a fireball coming out of a green flash of light beforehand, may suggest that creatures from other worlds have found us-- an "alien invasion" of sorts. I await your immediate response.
After eating some plane rations, Major Evans reached into his pocket and pulled out a notepad. He reached into his other pocket and pulled out a pen. Seeing nothing else to do, he began writing.
February 11. It has been at least two hours since the plane crash, and I feel like shit. The darkness is falling, which tells me it's around 5:30 PM. I just finisihed off the last of my plane rations. I didn't pack many to begin with, because I didn't think this would happen. Boy, what an ass I was.
He paused, frowned, and continued writing.
No, you know what? I'm not an ass, they are. Yes, Col. Farrell, Crombie, Edgar, Nesmith, General Parsons, all of them. They're all asses for making me fly out over the Bermuda Triangle, of all places. Even Tullard is an ass because if he hadn't broken his leg, he might have gotten this horrible fate instead of me. Let's face it, no one's going to fly down and take me back because nobody knows where I am. Hell, I don't even know where I am. This doesn't look a thing like Bermuda, unless they underwent a major renovation in the five minutes before my plane caught on fire.
Suddenly, he heard something. It was the snap of a twig. His first thought was that maybe Col. Farrell was coming back to get him. But then he realized, Wouldn't he come back in his plane and not on foot? He looked at the sun setting. "Shit!" He ducked and hid behind some nearby foliage, for he knew this was the time the night animals would normally come out. He didn't know what was on Bermuda-- wolves, cougars, whatever-- but he didn't want to be around when they came out. He started running, he didn't know where, but anywhere was better than there. ... As the sun set, Rainbow Dash flew forward, followed by Applejack and Rarity. "Oh, this is absolutely dreadful!" said Rarity. "Wait for us, Rainbow!" The pegasus flew back to the unicorn and the Earth pony. "You know, if I didn't have to wait for you guys," said Rainbow Dash, "we'd already be done by now." "Our feet can only go so fast fer so long," said Applejack. "An' anyways, don' get me started. We would'nt've come if Twilight didn' make us." "But does that really forgive having to listen to Rarity complain about the mud the entire freakin' time?!" yelled Rainbow Dash. "Hey!" exclaimed Rarity. She ran toward Rainbow Dash, but tripped on a twig, which snapped under her hooves, and fell forward into a puddle of mud, to which Rainbow Dash laughed. Rarity got up. "Now look what you've done! It will take years to clean this out of my mane!" "Ssh, both o' you," shushed Applejack. "Do ya hear that?" Everybody became silent. They heard the sounds of footsteps running away. "Sounds like somepony's running away!" whispered Rainbow Dash. "There's a clearing up ahead," said Applejack. "'At's prob'ly where da fireball crashed. Let's investigate." The three ponies galloped forward to the clearing, with Rainbow Dash in the lead. Screeching to a halt, they all stared at the huge wreck in front of them that was Major Evans' plane. "Oh my!" gasped Rarity. "What's this?" "It must be the aliens' flying machine!" said Rainbow Dash. "Pretty soon, they're going to come out and TAKE OVER ALL OF EQUESTRIA! MWAHAHAHAHAA!!!" "Um, Rainbow," said Applejack. "If somepony from another world is going to take over Equestria, then they've already left. Look!" All looked at where Applejack was pointing her hoof. "Hoofprints," said Applejack. "An' they's unlike any I seen before." "They lead off in that direction!" said Rainbow Dash, pointing at the bushes behind the plane. "Let's go!" ... As Major Evans ran, he heard footsteps running after him. He ran even faster. Suddenly, he heard something behind him say "It went this way!" He stopped in his tracks. Did he hear a voice? Or was he just hearing things? He hid behind a tree and listened again. "We lost it!" He was sure he heard a voice this time. He sighed as he walked out from behind the tree. "Hey, cool! Have you come to rescue--" Stopping mid-sentence, Evans was surprised to see no humans, but rather, three small ponies. He looked at them and then smiled, obviously not seeing their bright colors, Rarity's horn or Rainbow Dash's wings. He also couldn't see that they were scared as hell. He walked closer to them. "Ha. I must be going insane already. Sorry, I thought I heard voices." He made eye contact with Rainbow Dash. "Why am I even talking to you anyway? I mean, you're just horses, I know you can't understand me, but--" "Holy shit! It talks!" yelled Rainbow Dash suddenly. "AAAAAAAAA!" Major Evans screamed and then passed out. The last thing he saw were the ponies coming closer to him.
Spike paced back and forth. "Damn it!" he said. "They should have come by now! And if there are aliens, Rarity could be in danger!" "Relax," said Twilight. "I'm sure they're fine. If I'd sent Rainbow out alone, however..." "Okay," said Spike. "But if aliens did get to Rarity, I'm going to show them who's boss in Ponyville." Suddenly, as if on cue, Rarity ran in. "Twilight!" she yelled! "We found an alien!" Twilight got up. "Really?" "Oh yes," said Rarity. "But it's real heavy, so we might need help carrying it in." Spike and Twilight ran out and helped carry Major Evans in. Unfortunately, he was still too heavy, so they dropped him on the ground. Rainbow Dash and Applejack panted. "You know," said Rainbow Dash, "it might have been easier if Rarity had actually helped instead of just standing around complaining!" "Hey!" said Rarity. "I had no choice! I don't want to touch a filthy alien! Celestia knows where it's been! Anyway, I'm going home to take a shower. I must get all this mud out of my hair!" "Okay," said Twilight, partially glad that Rarity was leaving. As Rarity walked out the door, Spike followed her, but Twilight stopped him. "And where do you think you're going?" "I'm going to hang out with Rarity for a while!" said Spike. "It's the least I can do, after all, I am glad she survived." "Uh-uh," said Twilight. "No way, you're staying in here. There could be more aliens out there and I wouldn't want something bad to happen to you." "Twiligh'," said Applejack, "'ere was only one set o' tracks leadin' from th' crash site." "See?" said Spike. "I still don't want you going out there," said Twilight. "Bad things happen at night." "What's the worst they can do?" asked Spike. "Love and tolerate me to death?" "Stay," said Twilight sternly, giving Spike the hairy eyeball. "Uh, Twilight?" said Rainbow Dash. "Aren't you going to examine the alien?" "Yes," said Twilight, "but I will need complete silence and no distractions. Therefore, I will have to ask you to leave." "Okee," said Applejack. "I gon' turn in for th' night. See y'all in th' mornin'." She left, along with Rainbow Dash. Spike followed. "Spike!" yelled Twilight. "Fine," said Spike, turning around and walking back in. ... The next morning, Spike woke up, yawned, and went downstairs. But he was surprised to see Twilight asleep on the floor, next to Major Evans, who was now on a table. "Twilight!" yelled Spike. "Wake up!" "Ugh..." The unicorn got up and looked around. "Twilight, did you stay up all night examining the alien?" asked Spike. "No, not all night," said Twilight, "because I know I must have fallen asleep at some point." "So what did you find out?" asked Spike. "Well," said Twilight, getting up, "for one thing, this alien is a highly evolved primate." "You mean," said Spike, "he's an ape?" "I guess you could say that," said Twilight. "It has a lack of body hair and an extremely short mane. This must be a custom among its species. Its attire is strange, for it covers its entire body except its front hooves, which are even more odd because they have short limbs sticking out of them. Frankly, it's unlike any species I've ever seen before. There is one other thing I noticed, however." Twilight's horn lit up and Major Evans' notepad floated toward her. "I found this in one of its pockets. It appears that the alien has developed a written language, so we are to assume that it is intelligent. Too bad I can't read any of this." "Wow!" said Spike, surprised. "There's one thing I'm wondering, though. Is it a he or a she?" "I have not figured out its gender yet. Myself, I'm wondering if its species has genders. However, there is one way of figuring out, and its lack of body hair would make it surprisingly easy to do so." She reached down into the front of his pants, but quickly pulled out. "Definitely male." Suddenly, they heard some murmuring. They turned and saw Major Evans moving. "Ooh yeah, baby! Do that again, will you?" "What the hell?" said Twilight and Spike at the same time. Just then, Pinkie Pie and Applejack walked in. "What've you found out?" said Applejack. "Ssh!" said Twilight. "He's awake. Don't make any loud noises, it might surprise him." "He's awake?" said Applejack. "How did you find out his gender?" "Um..." said Twilight. ... It was about that time when Major Evans opened his eyes slowly. The first thing he saw was the ceiling of Twilight's library. "Ugh," he murmured. "Where am I?" Suddenly, Pinkie Pie jumped in his face. "Hi!" she said. "I'm Pinkie Pie!" "AAAAAAAAA!" yelled Evans, pushing Pinkie Pie off of him. He backed into a corner of the library. "Get back! Horses can't talk!" "First of all," said Twilight, "we're ponies, not horses. Secondly, we have always been able to speak. Thirdly, hello! My name is Twilight Sparkle and welcome to Ponyville." "Ponyville?!" yelled Evans. "You mean there's more of you?! Help!!!" "Sir," said Twilight, taking a step forward, "calm down. We don't want to hurt you, we just want to ask you a few questions." "Shut up!" said Evans, kicking Twilight to the other side of the room. "You guys aren't real! This is all just a dream!" He picked up his notepad, ran to the door and opened it, but was surprised to see the rest of Ponyville outside. And the ponies were just as surprised to see him. "AAAAAAAAA!" he yelled. "This is not real! This is all a dream!" He ran through the streets and out of town. A light-gray pegasus with a yellow mane floated toward Twilight. "Why is that guy running and yelling 'this is not real'?" asked the pegasus. "You wouldn't understand, Derpy," said Twilight. "Okay!" Derpy flew away.
Running like his life depended on it, Major Evans wasn't going to stop soon. He ran up hills, through forests and over creeks until he found the clearing. There was his plane, still in bad shape from the crash. He ran to it and, breathing heavily, sat down next to it. Then, with sweat pulling down his face, he pulled out his notepad and pen and began writing again.
February 12. I've been here so long that I've begun going mad. When I woke up this morning, a talking pony was sticking its hoof inside my pants and feeling me out. That's about how mad I am. You know what, though? I'm beginning to think that this is all a dream. When I wake up, I'll be back at the Air Force base, and then I'll tell Col. Farrell why we shouldn't fly over the Bermuda Triangle. Either it's a dream, or I'm actually going mad after crash-landing on Bermuda. But there's no way that I could actually be seeing talking ponies, right?
It was right about then when he heard a sound from above him. It was really faint, but he could hear it nonetheless. "Get out of the way!" He looked up and saw Rainbow Dash zooming down toward him. At first he wanted to run, but then he realized that since the ponies weren't real, he could just stay there and nothing would happen to him. As Rainbow Dash flew closer, Evans looked in her eyes with an expression that said "Bite me." Rainbow Dash then slowed to a halt. "What the crap?" yelled Rainbow Dash. "I told you to get out of the way!" "But you're not real," said Evans, "so you could just go through me, can't you?" "No," said Rainbow Dash. "After all this time, you still think we're halucinations?" "Of course," said Evans. "You obviously can't be real." "What, they don't have ponies in your universe?" "Well, yes, but they're much bigger, and they don't talk. Now go away, halucination. I'm not talking to you anymore." "This is the second time you've questioned why you talk to me." "Yeah, so?" That was when Evans recognized Rainbow Dash. "Hey, I remember you! You were the horse who I talked to yesterday!" "I thought we'd already established that. Now get out of the way, I'm trying to do a Sonic Rainboom." "Sonic Boom! Ha! Been there, done that." "You?" Rainbow Dash fell down laughing. "In your dreams! I bet you can't even move your fat body quick enough to catch me!" Evans got mad. "Is that a challenge I hear? Anyway, I bet I could beat you in a fight any day." "Well, then, we'll just have to put it to the test, won't we?" "You wanna go?" Rainbow Dash flew toward Evans, knocking him down. "Ha! I won!" Evans got up again. "Your speed may be an advantage, Dash." "Sure is, loser!" Rainbow Dash zoomed around Evans' head, as he futilely tried to catch her. With one kick, Evans was down again. As he got back up, Evans said "Dash, you may want to know that I've got a few tricks myself!" "Oh yeah?" Rainbow Dash zoomed towards him, but Evans grabbed her by the tail and held her a few feet away from him. "Hey!" Evans then started swinging her around and flung her like a frisbee, but she landed on her hooves about ten feet away from him. With a yell of "YAAAAAAAA!" Evans ran towards Rainbow Dash, who galloped toward him. They both jumped at the same time, causing them to collide and both fall backwards on the ground. As they got up and wiped the dust off of themselves, Rainbow Dash said to Evans, "You are a worthy opponent." "Same to you, fella," said Evans. Just then, Twilight and the rest of the main six ponies ran over the hill. "There 'e is!" yelled Applejack. "Rainbow Dash!" yelled Twilight. "What happened?" "Nothing," replied Dash. "Something must have happened," said Twilight. "You're all dirty and bruised up." "Well, he wouldn't get out of my way when I was trying to do a Sonic Rainboom," said Dash, "so we got into a fight. He is a worthy opponent." "Oh yeah?" said Twilight, looking at Evans with anger. "What do you have to say for yourself, Mister?" yelled Pinkie Pie. Evans was being backed into a corner by the ponies, excluding Rainbow Dash, so he did the protocol that was necessary when being questioned by the enemy. "Quinn Evans, Air Force pilot. Rank: Major. Age: 26." "What's he doing?" asked Fluttershy. "He appears to be avoiding my question completely," said Twilight. "Apparently, his name is Quinn Evans." "Quinn Evans?!" said Rarity. "What an odd name!" "He prob'ly thinks our names 'r' odd, too," said Applejack. But as they bickered and argued, Major Quinn Evans kept repeating his name and rank, hoping this was all just a bad dream.
"Quinn Evans, Air Force pilot. Rank: Major. Age: 26," Quinn repeated once again. He had just been saying that over and over for two straight hours. "Well, I reckon this ain't gettin' anywhere," said Applejack. "Maybe he won't respond because he doesn't trust us," said Fluttershy. "You just figured that out?" said Quinn. "I can't believe it took you that long." "Well, at least he isn't still repeating all that useless information about himself anymore!" laughed Pinkie Pie. "We have to get him to trust us," said Fluttershy. "Ha!" said Quinn. "I'll never trust you. What reason do I have to trust a bunch of talking ponies?" Fluttershy leaned over towards Twilight Sparkle. "Maybe if we offer him food and a place to stay," whispered Fluttershy, "he'll trust us enough to tell us where he came from and how he got here." "I don't know," whispered Twilight. "He doesn't seem like the type of guy who'd just hand over information for a reward." "But it's worth a try!" whispered Fluttershy. Twilight sighed and looked back at Quinn. "Quinn," she began, "this has been a rough and very strange day for all of us, and I am hoping we can get to know each other on better terms, so we're going to give you food and shelter. Is that okay with you?" Quinn sighed and repeated again, "Quinn Evans, Air Force pilot. Rank: Major. Age: 26." "I will take that as a yes," said Twilight. As the horses galloped down the hill, Twilight turned around and asked, "You coming?" As much as Quinn wanted to avoid the ponies, he was feeling extremely hungry after running out of plane rations the day before, so he reluctantly followed them. ... There was a long, awkward silence for a time. Quinn actually liked it. Suddenly, as if out of nowhere, Pinkie Pie asked in her annoying voice, "Do you like cupcakes?" "I--" Quinn began, but then was cut off by Twilight. "Pinkie, we've talked about this before. They probably don't even have cupcakes where he comes from." "Actually," interrupted Quinn, "we do have cupcakes. And yes, though I'm usually not one to admit it, I do like cupcakes." "Ooh!" said Pinkie, jumping on Quinn's head. "I like you already, Quinn!" Quinn pushed Pinkie off his head. "First of all, please don't jump on my head." Pinkie nodded. "Secondly, never call me Quinn. Only my friends call me Quinn." "But I thought I am your friend!" said Pinkie. "No, I just met you today," said Quinn. "We always try to make friends here as soon as we meet new ponies!" said Pinkie. "It's like this: when we meet you, you're considered a friend until proven otherwise." "Really? If that's the case, I'm going to hate it here." "What do you mean?" "Well, I'm in the Air Force, so my line of work doesn't exactly promote friendship." "What's the Air Force?" "It's a part of our Military." "What's the Military?" "You don't have a military? Now I'm really going to hate it here. The Military is basically when our Government hires a bunch of dudes to go invade other countries and kill people." "Oh my!" gasped Rarity. "What a horrible job!" "It's not horrible if I get paid for it," replied Quinn. "I know," said Rarity, "but it's still horrible!" "Look, Ms... you," said Quinn, "I don't question your line of work, so you shouldn't question mine. Anyway, only my friends call me by my first name, so you can call me Major Evans or, if at a more casual time, just Evans." "It's his wishes," said Twilight, "and I'm not one to go against them. Speaking of names, I don't think we've introduced ourselves. My name is Twilight Sparkle! And this is Applejack, Pinkie Pie, Rarity, Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash." "Good for you," said Quinn. "Whoop de do." Twilight and the others continued on ahead, talking all the way. Quinn started walking more slowly, hoping to avoid them. Suddenly, he heard a voice. "Don't mind my friends, Quinn. Sometimes I get annoyed with them too." Quinn turned and saw Rainbow Dash had dropped behind and was walking next to him. Quinn sighed. "Are they always like that?" "No," said Rainbow Dash, "not always." She then flew up to Quinn's ear and whispered in it: "But they wouldn't know sanity if it came up and bit them in the ass." ... "Okay," said Twilight. "Now you're going to walk through Ponyville again, only this time, you'll do so without panicking." "What?" yelled Quinn. "No way. Nuh-uh. I'm not going through there again." "Well," said Twilight, "there isn't really any other way of getting to food, so..." "Look, Twilight Sparkle," said Quinn, "I appreciate what you're trying to do for me, but I'm not really hungry, and I can sleep in my plane, so will you let me..." "Come on!" said Pinkie. "You must go! Or else!" "Or else what?!" Pinkie then started singing.
Don't be afraid of different types of ponies For they're not all bad Even if they look at you weirdly It's not like they'll drive you mad
"Okay, I'll go!" yelled Quinn. "Anything to get you to stop singing!" Pinkie didn't know whether to be pleased or offended. Quinn took a step forward. "Here goes..." He walked into Ponyville with Twilight, Pinkie, Applejack, Rarity, Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash. As he walked, the seemingly thousands of ponies in the town stared at him. They all crowded around him, all with looks of fear on their faces. "What?" said Quinn. "You never seen a human before?" All the other ponies gasped and then started running in all possible directions, screaming. Quinn sighed and looked at Twilight. "I told you this was a bad idea, TS."
After everything was cleared up with the rest of the ponies, Quinn and the mane six continued through Ponyville. "TS?" asked Twilight Sparkle. "Where did you come up with that?" "I have no idea," said Quinn. "I know there's a writer on my world named T.S. Eliot, but I haven't read any of his stuff." "Well," said Twilight, "changing the subject, I'm going to get it out of the way and ask right now, what would you like to eat? I know several good restaurants..." "How about a cheeseburger?" interrupted Quinn. "Or a beef steak? Or..." He looked around at the other ponies, all of whom had looks on their faces as if they didn't know what he was talking about. "Oh yeah, I forgot, you're horses, so you're vegetarians." "We're not horses, silly!" said Pinkie Pie. "We're ponies! But yeah, you're correct." "Damn," he said, facepalming. "And I don't eat hay or flowers, so that cuts out about all of the food that would be served here." "You don't eat hay?" said Pinkie. "You should. It's really good!" "Well, sorry," said Quinn, "but that's just not what humans eat. We consider it unsanitary." "So what do you eat?" asked Twilight. "I mean, there must be some common ground." "Well," said Quinn, "tons of stuff, but not that." "That's real helpful," said Applejack sarcastically. "I run an apple farm, but I'm guessing you don't eat those either." "Apples, you say?" said Quinn, whose eyes suddenly got big. "Well, if they're anything like the apples on my world, then I'd love some!" But then he frowned. "I don't know how I'll pay for them, though. Damnit! I got shitloads of money but you most likely don't use my same type of currency." "Oh, don't worry," said Twilight. "I'll pay for them!" "No, fuck it," said Quinn. "I don't want to be a problem to any of you." "No, Qui-- Major Evans," Twilight corrected herself. "I'll pay for them. You're our guest in Ponyville, aren't you?" Quinn cringed. "Don't say that. It scares me, after all, I don't know how long I'm staying, but I'm hoping it's going to be a rather short visit." Now that Quinn thought about it, though, even though it wasn't exactly paradise, and was generally a much louder place than home (what else can you expect with females?), it certainly was a lot friendlier than America. I mean, there wasn't a military, but who cares? He could work as an educator, telling people all about his home. "You're right," said Twilight. "You may be staying here a lot longer than I thought, so we'll have to get you some bits." She didn't even bother to notice Quinn's mouth wide-open with fear. That was not what he meant at all. Twilight continued. "We'll need a list of necessities for you-- food, shelter..." Shit. That implied that the ponies would get him a bunch of things, which implied that he would be staying there for an extended period of time. Which was not good, to say the least. "Whoa, we're here already!" said Quinn, eager to change the subject. "Huh, how did we get here so quickly? Hey, you guys go along, I'll be right there." "But Major Evans!" said Twilight. "How can we know what you want to eat if you aren't here?" "Can't you wait?" said Quinn. "I have to do something." "What's that?" asked Twilight. "Well, I kind of have to see a man about a hor..." He stopped himself mid-word, then, realizing they probably didn't know what that meant, sighed and said, "Don't you ponies ever pee around here?" "Oh!" said Twilight. "Well, why didn't you just say so?" "'Ere's a lavatory around back," said Applejack. "If th' door is locked an' it smell' funny, 'en my brother Big Macintosh is in there and will probably be in there for a long time." "Thanks," said Quinn, running behind the barn as fast as he could. "That Major Evans sure is a funny fellow, ain't he?" said Applejack. "I'll say!" said Pinkie. "First he was all stiff and serious, but then he just yelled out funny things about seeing somepony about a horse and then he ran off to pee!" "Hey, Rainbow!" called out Rarity, who was watching Rainbow Dash fly away. "Whereever are you going?" "I'm going to follow Quinn," said Rainbow Dash. "What, don't tell me you have to go too!" said Rarity. "No!" said Rainbow Dash. "But neither does he!" "What do you mean?" asked Twilight. "He obviously doesn't really have to use the restroom!" said Rainbow Dash. "He's just faking it so he can get as far away from us as possible!" "But Rainbow--" began Twilight, but it was too late and the pegasus had already flown away. ... As soon as Quinn got behind the barn, he hid behind the outhouse and, thankful that it was open and nobody in it could see him, pulled out his gun. With this thing, he thought, those stupid horses would never think of following me or asking me questions again. Hell, with this, I could rule all of Equestria! He, unfortunately, was snapped back into reality when he realized he didn't know where the bullets were. "Damn!" He fumbled around in his pockets looking for them, but he couldn't find them. "Fuck, I must have left them back at the plane!" "Quinn!" He heard the unmistakable voice of Rainbow Dash behind him. He ran up to the door of the outhouse as quickly as he could. Rainbow Dash flew up behind him. "Why aren't you going to the bathroom like you said?" "Because someone's in there!" Quinn lied. "Oh really?" she said, skeptical. She knocked on the door. As luck would have it, a large red stallion kicked the door open and walked out. "Oh!" said Rainbow Dash nervously. "Big Macintosh! How... uh... nice to see you!" "Eeyup," said Big Mac. He then turned to see Quinn and his eyes got big. "What the hell is that thing?" "I'm a human," stated Quinn, "and I have to use the facilities." He walked in and slammed the door shut. Big Mac walked away, still in shock. Rainbow Dash still stood next to the outhouse. "Ahem!" said Quinn, seeing her outside the window. "Could I have some privacy, Dash?" "How can I be so sure you're actually using the restroom, Quinn?" said Dash. "For the last time, my name's not Quinn!" yelled Quinn. "It's Major Evans!" "And you take me," said Dash, "for the pony who gives a shit! Your little ranks and shit in the military don't apply here, Quinn. Now I don't entirely trust you, so I'm going to stay here unless I actually have proof that you are going to the bathroom." Fine, you want proof? thought Quinn. I'll give you proof! He unzipped his pants, but it wasn't long before he realized he didn't have to go, for his bladder was entirely empty. Thinking for a minute, he opened his water canteen and started pouring from it. "Oh!" exclaimed Dash. "Ew! That's proof enough for me!" As Quinn heard Dash galloping away, he smiled, for he knew he had fooled her. He opened the door and snuck to the other side of the barn. He looked at the other ponies, then, seeing as how they all had their heads turned, as they were picking the apples for him, ran as quickly as he could in a random direction that he thought was the direction of his plane. ... "...so, this'll be two buckets of apples an' a pie," said Applejack as she gathered up everything for Quinn. "Just for starts," said Twilight. "I don't know if he eats wheat or not, so only one pie will be good for now." "Maybe we should get Quinn's opinion first," said Applejack. She turned to Big Macintosh. "Could ya get Quinn fer me, Big Mac?" "Eeyup," said Big Mac as he trotted behind the barn. "Now," said Twilight, "how much will that be?" "It's fer free!" said Applejack. "We want to make our guest feel at home, right?" Suddenly, Big Mac ran back to Applejack. "He ain't there!" he said. Everypony ran back behind the barn, where they saw Quinn's footprints leading off into the distance. "Oh no," said Twilight. "He's in the Everfree Forest!"
The first thing Quinn felt when he came to was his inability to move his right arm. He still had his eyes shut, because he didn't want to see the horror that would surely await him when he opened them. My arm is broken, he thought. This was all a dream and the crash broke my arm. I'm going to have to chew it off and signal to the others. He tried moving his legs around, but he felt and heard them kicking in the water. The plane missed the island and landed in the ocean and I'm going to have to swim to the island with one broken arm. When he opened his eyes, however, he realized that this was not the case at all. Instead, he found himself in an unfamiliar white room. There was bright florescent lighting all around. He was sitting in the middle of a large white bathtub. I see what's going on, he thought. I crashed but Colonel Farrel and the others rescued me and now I'm in the hospital, recovering. He discovered that his arm was in a bandage, which is why he couldn't move it. This makes more sense. It was sure nice of them to give me a bath. He looked at the water and discovered it was a bubble bath. I could've done without the bubbles, though. Suddenly, an all-too-familiar pink figure jumped out of the water, wearing a snorkel. "Hi Quinn!" "AAAAAAA!" "It took you long enough to recover!" said Pinkie Pie. "I thought you'd never wake up!" "Okay," said Quinn, backing away, "now I'm not even going to question your existence anymore, because you know what? I think I died in the plane and you ponies are my eternal punishment." "No, you're definitely alive!" laughed Pinkie. "Took you long enough to wake up, though. Of course, I can't blame you, because you walked into the Everfree Forest!" "Ever... wha?" "The ultimate death forest in Equestria! When we found you, you were crawling out on one broken arm, saying 'Help me!' So we not only bandaged up your arm, we also washed all your dirty clothes and gave you this bath!" Suddenly, a thought came to Quinn's mind. He reached under the bubbles with his left arm and felt, immediately pulling it out as soon as he felt. "You removed my clothing???" "Well, of course!" laughed Pinkie. "You can't take a bath with your clothes on, silly!" "Give me back my clothes," said Quinn. "Now." "Why? It's not like you have anything to cover up! Though I do wonder what that tiny thing between your legs is..." Tiny thing? Quinn thought. Is it really that small? As he was thinking this, Rarity grabbed Pinkie with her magic and pulled her out of the tub. "Pinkie!" she exclaimed. "You really shouldn't be asking this poor man about that!" Rarity then climbed into the tub herself. "Sorry about Pinkie, she never took sex ed when she was in school. Mind you, most of us have hair to cover up our... you know..." The door opened behind Quinn and Twilight Sparkle, Fluttershy, Applejack and Rainbow Dash came in. "Oh, great, the gang's all here," said Quinn sarcastically. "So... go away." "Nothin' doin', Quinn," said Applejack. "Last time you was alone, y' wander'd into th' Everfree Forest an' almos' got yerself killed." "So from now on," said Fluttershy, "we're never going to leave you alone again!" Great, what have I gotten myself into now? Quinn thought to himself as he tried to raise his right arm to flip the ponies off but instead got a major pain in that area as he realized that his right arm was broken. "If this arm wasn't broken," said Quinn, "I'd be out of here and would already be trying to fix my plane." "Stop being such a weiner, Quinn," said Rainbow Dash. Quinn turned his head really quickly. "Who are you calling a weiner?" "Everypony!" yelled Twilight. "Calm down!" "First of all," said Quinn, "it's everybody, not everypony. Secondly, how am I supposed to be calm when the world I know and love is far away and I'm instead stuck with a bunch of ponies who can't keep their eyes off of my private parts! Thirdly, shut the fuck up or else I swear to god I will--" Suddenly, there was an extremely bright light behind him. He turned around and standing there was a white pegasus-- or what is a unicorn?-- who was much taller, wore a crown, and had a long, flowing mane. Quinn looked around and noticed everybody else was bowing. Rainbow Dash signaled to him. "What?" he said. "Bow!" Rainbow Dash whispered. "What? Am I supposed to bow or something?" "Yes! Bow to the princess!" "It's okay, Rainbow," interrupted the pegasus/unicorn. Everybody else stood back up. "Major Quinn Evans, I presume?" "Yes," said Quinn. "Why is everyone bowing?" "My name is Princess Celestia, and I would like to welcome you to Equestria." "Oh! So you're a princess!" His head turned to Rainbow Dash. "Why didn't you say so?" "Well, I thought you already knew!" said Dash, angrily. "She is wearing a crown, after all!" "So?!" Quinn yelled. "She could've been dressing up for Halloween or something!" "Stop fighting!" commanded the princess. Dead silence fell in the room. "So how do you know my name?" asked Quinn, breaking the silence. "Twilight wrote me about it," said Celestia. "Wow," said Quinn. "Where I come from, royalty don't usually have the time to respond to all their fanmail, much less visit them in person." "Actually, Twilight and I have been in mail contact for quite a long time," said the alicorn. "Oh really?" said Quinn. "But I'm not here to talk about me," said Celestia. "Quinn, while you're here we will get you anything you need." "Great!" said Quinn, stepping out of the washtub. "Twilight, could you make a list?" "Sure," said Twilight, grabbing a scroll and a pen with her magic. "First of all, Princess," said Quinn, "if you expect me to treat you with the respect of calling you Princess, then you will please call me Major Evans." At this remark, Rainbow Dash facehoofed. "I'm no longer requesting if of the other ponies, but I am requesting it of you." "I think that can be done," said Celestia, "Major Evans." "That's more like it. Now! First of all, I'll need the area surrounding my plane to be sealed off so nobody can be let in. You getting this down, Twilight?" Twilight nodded and Quinn continued. "I'll need a place to stay, including a bed big enough for me, a shower to clean me off, and plenty of food I can eat. I will also need some tools-- wrench, hammer, welder, pliers, the whole nine yards." "Why will you need this?" asked the princess. "So I can work on fixing up my plane. You know, my flying machine. Now, I will also need some extra changes of clothing--" "I'll do it!" interrupted Rarity. "O-kay," said Quinn. "Finally, I need every pony in this place to treat me with respect, no longer be afraid when I walk through the streets." "I've already got the Mayor on it!" said Twilight. "She will make a speech about it later today." "Good job, Twilight," said Quinn, who grabbed the list away from Twilight, rolled it up and gave it to Princess Celestia. "I trust you can accomodate me with all these things?" "Yes," said the princess, smiling. "I just would like to make a request from you. There will be several-- how should I put it?-- questioning sessions where Twilight will ask you about how you got here and where you came from. Please comply with these by answering them." "Sure," said Quinn. Mental note: Don't respond with my name, rank and age again, he thought. "One more thing," said Princess Celestia. "Anything," said Quinn, hopeful now that the ponies could send him back to Earth. "Could you be clothed the next time I arrive?" asked Celestia. To this, Quinn glanced down, blushed, and quickly put his hands around his private parts to cover them up. "I don't think I can concentrate too well when I always have to look at that thing." The alicorn's horn lit up as another flash of light flooded the room and Princess Celestia was gone. A bit ticked, Quinn slammed the door shut. "Everybody's a fucking critic," he said.