When Stargate command recieves a distress letter going straight through the iris....Earth fears that whatever has the power of bypassing the iris might attack, SG-1 is sent to investigate, what they find, however, is far different than they expected.
Responding to a magical letter that was somehow able to make it through the iris.....SG-1 jumps through the wormhole only to discover a child's television show on the other side......Or is it? Other humans are using the second stargate on earth, constantly visiting this world and threatening it's inhabatants. Jack O'neil, Samantha Carter, Dr. Daniel Jackson, and Teal'c embark on a quest that might just question the validity of the largest toy and TV show producer in America.......
This is a cross over from the si-fi show, Stargate: SG-1. I highly recommend watching it before reading this, just look it up on the net. Great show. Anyway, enjoy!
*****CURRENTLY ON HIATUS UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE*****
Shout's ring out thorugh the concrete hallways of SGC. Soon, the stomping of running soldiers is heard, their weapons clicking as they are loaded by the running men. The metal door to the side of the gate room opens, about twenty men and women dressed in combat gear charge in, setting up around the metal portal....weapons ready and eyes attentive to the spinning gate.
General Hammond watched all of this from the safe room overlooking the gate. The metal machine spins, locking in another coordinate. Two more runes and it would open.
"Stand by to close the iris," Hammond instructs a young woman working in the safe room.
"Yes sir, standing by," The woman said to the general, her hand poised over a button on the dashboard. Seconds later, the gate engages the last rune, a deep blue, almost water like anti-matter cloud swirled out of it, sucking back into the gate to form a glistening blue filling of the otherwise empty gate.
Less than a second later a metal iris twirls down upon the gate, surrounding the wormhole opening like plastic wrap. In the gate room, the gate defense team narrowed their eyes, looking over their M15s at the iris ahead of them.
Hammond watched all this from the safe room, looking intently and listening for any thumps of attempted materialization. Suddenly, a green gas flies out of the gate, merely going THROUGH the iris. Moments before anyone could react, the green gas twirls together, pops in an almost cartoon like explosion, and dropped a scroll, tied up with red paper right before the feet of the sergeant in charge of the GDT.
Jumping back, both from surprise and anxiety, the Sargent radios the safe room. "Sir, what should I do?" He asked, looking intently, weapon pointed at the threatening piece of parchment.
"Get out of there, sargent, we're sending in a hazmat team to take it to the lab," Hammond radios back, calling over his shoulder to a young soldier working in the dialing office. He nods and radios the lab, requesting a hazmat team. Turnning around, Hammond also requests for colonial O'niel and the rest of SG-1 to meet him in the office at 0600 hours...just an hour away.
Walking out of the dialing office just as hazmat team entered the gateroom, Hammond also called for a research team to be put together to study how that thing got through the iris.
---------
"Alright, way to go Teal'c!" colonial Jack O'neil calls to his friend, reclining back in a lawn chair on a sunny afternoon. SG-1 was getting one of it's few off days. which they decided to spend teaching Teal'c how to play badminton. Aftershowing Teal'c how the racket was held, things went pretty well, considering they had a lot of birdies. Standing stonefaced in the center of the court, his eyes riveted on the ball, the Jaffa looked almost threatening.
"Ready?" Carter shouted to Teal'c, raising her racket in the air.
"Agreed," Teal'c responded, raising his racket in a similar manner.
"Here we go!" Carter threw the birdie in the air, hitting it with a swift stroke toward the awaiting Teal'c as soon as it started it's descent. Positioning himself directly to the right of where the ball was going to hit, Teal'c raised his racket, preparing to strike.
WHAMMM!
The birdie flew at a blinding pace past Sam and into the wall behind her where it shattered into a three pieces, each hitting the ground with a thump.
"Well, that was an improvement..." Samantha said, looking at Jack.
"Right, you only made a small dent in the wall this time," O'niel sarcastically finished for Sam, sipping on his lemonade.
"Indeed, thank you," Teal'c replied, not picking up on the colonial's sarcasm. He walked over to a chair next O'neil. "I find this game rather interesting," He said, picking up a drink of his own and sipping on the straw, "It has potential... Back on Abydos there was a training exercise similar to it.
"Really?" O'neil asked, a bemused expression on his face, "Jafa played badminton?"
"It was similar in structure, not spirit," His friend replied, "The Jafa do not generally know this term, 'fun'."
"So come on, what was this, 'not fun badminton'?"
"It was a training exercise, designed to teach young Jaffa fast reflexes in battle," Teal'c began, "They would line them up with a training staff weapon and fire simple energy bolts at them. It was a scary experience for me and my friends. However, it was quite possible for a soldier to block them with the staff weapon."
"Sounds dangerous," Sam said, walking up to a third lawn chair, "Were these energy bolts deadly?"
"Indeed they were not," Teal'c said, sipping at his drink, "Even the Goa'uld are not foolish enough to throw away good soldiers."
"Jack, you're pagers going off!" Daniel called from inside the summer house. He had chosen to spend his break looking at a few very interesting rocks he'd uncovered at their last mission.
"Alright alright, I'm coming," O'neil pulled him self out of the lawn chair, slipping a shirt on over his bare chest. "This had better not be SGC, this is our day off!" He grumbled, walking into the house. "Yes?" He said to the offender on the other side of the phone.
"Colonial, general Hammond has requested that you and the rest of you're team meet with him at an emergency conference at 0600 hours," The crisp voice of one of the many soldiers working at SGC tittered at Jack over the phone. Jack groaned, slamming the pager shut.
"Alright gang, we're going back to base,"
-------
"Colonial, I need you and your team ready to leave, stat!" Hammond called to Jack O'neil, now dressed in full military uniform.
"Yes sir, but what is this thing?" He asked, following the general through SGC, the rest of SG-1 catching up the rear.
"We don't know, but we do know it can get through the iris," Hammond said as he opened the door to the conference room, "So we need to know what it is."
"Sir, if I may ask, it sounds like a letter, what was written on it?" Samantha asked, "That could help us to know what we're up against."
"Good question, the team down at the lab informs me that it isn't toxic and it's going to be brought up here as soon as they can manage it," Hammond said, settling in at the head of the conference table.
"Artifact, sir!" A dark haired woman dressed in a green SGC uniform quickly opens the door, enters and drops the roll of parchment on the table.
"Alright, Daniel, I believe you handle this kind of stuff," Jack tossed the letter down to Daniel Jackson.
"Uh, right," Daniel opened the letter, cutting the binding holding the scroll together. Immediatly the piece of parchment unrolls it self, lying on the table in an almost picturesque manner. Daniel jumped back out of surprise. Jack shakes his head.
"I swear, it's out of a cartoon!" He said, rubbing his head. The rest of the people in the room stare at him, "What? Carry on."
All attention is returned to Daniel, who begins to read. And this is what the letter said:
Dear Princess Celestia,
The bi-pedals in the green suits have continued to wreak havoc on Ponyville, there is no sign of it letting up. I realize we cannot do much against them, every second they have guns pointed at somepony, or me, and they threaten to shoot if we don't go along with it. The scripts they have been giving us have been degrading in quality, don't you think? Yesterday, it was something about Pinkie's cupcakes....nothing coherant. I'm sorry Princess, but I cannot continue in this manner. I have started an uprising. We have been slowly but steadily been attacking the bi-pedals. I don't want anyone to get hurt, but what are we to do? Ever since these maniacs came through the portal, Equestria hasn't been safe since. I'm sorry princess....but you and Luna must fight back as well. Please, PLEASE do it, for your subjects, PLEASE!!!! Your dearest Student, Twilight Sparkle
By the end of the letter, Jack is doubled over laughing,trying to regain composure as Daniel stopped reading and all attention in the room was focused on him. *Ahem* Jack pulls himself up, looking stonefaced and serious....but underneath that he's still rolling on the floor. Equestria? Ponyville? somePONY!? All these puns and derived names were too much for Jack.
"Well, Daniel, I'll bet that something bad is going on over there....any ideas what?" Hammond asked Daniel.
"Sir, if I may speak," Sam prompted, getting a nod from the general, she went ahead. "They speak of these, 'bi-pedals', that would imply the race itself is not bi-pedal. Also, what other races guns? Perhaps, general, these 'bi-pedals' are humans using the other stargate on earth."
"Good point, captain," Hammond said, "anything else?"
"I agree with Carter, the Tauri have unique weapons, the only ones I know of to be called 'guns'. It would make sense that these others could be humans, seeing as there is one stargate in Earth's vicinaty," Teal'c said, agreeing with the Captain.
"Oh....all those names, they sound familiar....." Daniel said, lost in thought, trying to recollect where he saw those names before.
"Who ever these beings are, they sound like they need help. Also, we could have a few criminals on our hands. But before we do anything, we launch a UAV.... UAV launch at 0900 hours. O'neil, get your team ready. Dismissed," Hammond said, standing up from the table. Everyone else rose as well, saluting the general. Everyone, that is, except Daniel.
"Oh....." The thought he was looking for was at the tip of his tounge, and he wasn't about to lose it to saluting.
"Uh Daniel.... We gotta go," Jack said, patting his companion on the back.
"MY LITTLE PONY!" Daniel shouted, standing up.
"What?" Was everyone's reply.
"That's where I heard all those names, a children's television show named My Little Pony!" Daniel explained, feverishly. "Oh I gotta look that up..." He walked out of the room.
"Oook, either he's cracked or he's onto something," Jack said, looking after Daniel as he disappeared down the hallway.
"I think he's cracked," Sam said.
"Indeed," Teal'c put in.
"Right then!" Jack broke the silence that had befallen the room, "Let's go find out if he's cracked or not....."
"I'm telling you Jack, I'm compleatly sane!" Daniel half-shouted at the colonial while walking towards his office, "I just think there might be a connection between a little girls television show and an alien distress call!"
"Uh, I think you just proved my point," Jack pointed out,rounding the corner into Daniel's office.
"Here, look at this," Daniel does a quick google and shows the monitor to Jack.
"Wait, what?" O'neil looks through the wikipedia article on My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, "What the hell?"
"See, the names match up!" Daniel looked triumphantly at his gaping superior.
"So wait, we have a bunch of aliens sending us prank calls after watching a demented television show?" Jack said, looking away from the monitor.
Daniel puts a palm to his forehead. "No! I know it sounds crazy, but what if these creatures that sent the letter, what if they ARE the same things as in the show?"
"Daniel, I know you've had a lot of crazy ideas which have turned out to be right, but.... I'd be more willing to beleive that pyramids are landing platforms than the SGC just got a letter from an animated television series," Jack looked at Daniel, un-sure whether the scientist is joking or dead serious.
"I'm dead serious," Daniel said, "This could be happening, I mean, sure, it's impossible, but that didn't stop the pyramids!"
"Ok....," Jack starts walking out of the room, "We'll see if you're right, UAV launch, 0900 hours, be there."
"Alright," Daniel Jackson said, continuing to look through the wiki article. Scrolling down until something caught his eye, a small link in the footnotes section, reading: 'Ponies Real?'. Clicking on it, it began him on a quest of search and find through 10 different websites, 3 internal rouder re-directions, and 5 wiki articles. Eventually ending up on a little list of 2005 article titles related to the subject. It read: HASBRO has purchased metal artifact found in arctic ice, part of new science initiative, chairman says. HASBRO announces artifact working! Manned exploration team to depart. Men find magical land, making TV show about it, team says.
Scrolling through a number of these articles, one caught Daniel's eye: HASBRO denies ever touching, buying or using artifact, all a hoax, chairman says.
Before he could think about it further, however, Sam poked her head in, "Daniel? Drone launch in an hour, better get ready."
"Yeah yeah...." Daniel brushed her off, glaring at his computer, thinking hard.
"Daniel?"
"Oh right, yes, get ready!" Daniel stood up, walking out of the room past Sam.
"Sometimes I just don't know what he's thinking..." Sam muttered to herself before walking off to get ready herself.
--------
"Standing by to launch, all systems go," A technician radioed Hammond and the rest of the crew in the dialing office while departing the gateroom.
"Good, begin dialing," Hammond instructed a woman working the dialing controls in front of him.
"Dialing," She repeated in a monotone, pressing some buttons on the dashboard in front of her. The doors on either side of the gateroom closed as scientists and technichins left after preping the UAV. The gate starts turning.
"Chevron 1, engaged," The gate clanks into position, "Chevron 2...."
"Well, this is it, let's see if you cracked or not," Jack said, patting Daniel on the shoulder. Daniel just gritted his teeth.
"Chevron 8, activated," A swirling blue cloud of anti-mater flies out of the stargate, settling back into a blue sheen.
"Preparing UAV...launch in T-10 seconds," Sam announces, pushing a number of buttons on the dashboard in front of her.
"T-9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, ENGAGE,"
FWOOOSH!!
The UAV shoots off it's launcher, propelled by two rocket engines.
"That'll never get old," Jack shakes his head. The rest of the team looks at him, a little confusidly but turns back to the monitors.
"Arriving at destination in three, two, one, incoming visuals," Sam punches a few buttons and a picture flashes onto the screen. The UAV is flying over a green meadow, with gray bunnies and perfect wildflowers. Little squirrels jump and chip from inbetween trees....
"Ok, what the hell?" Jack looks at the screen confused, expressing the feelings everyone else had inside at that moment.
"Indeed," Teal'c said, nodding his head.
"Ok, Carter," Jack turned back to the monitor, "Is this the visual feed or the Disney channel?"
"It's the visual sir, no doubt about it," Sam checks a few gauges, "This IS what the planet looks like."
"Pull up and engage the telescope," Daniel advised, looking with great interest, "I think I know where we are." Everyone stared at him for a second, but Sam turned back to the controls and did as he asked.
"Altitude, 2 kilometers, engaging telescope," She fixes a few things on the dashboard. O'neil was still shaking his head in disgust.
"So wait," He asked, "We're flying through the Disney channel?"
"Zoom in on that sign!" Daniel called, ignoring Jack. The view on the screen flashes and homes in on the sign, which read: WELCOME TO PONYVILLE in large cartoonish writing.
"Ok, what the hell is up with this planet???" Jack continues to shake his head.
"Indeed, is is rather odd," Teal'c said, examining the sign.
"We're going to be going through some clouds," Sam said, returning the view to normal.
The screen went white.
"Wait, we're getting some audio," She flicks a switch. Soon, a voice comes over the speakers.
"What is that thing?" A voice screams from behind the UAV.
"I dunno, but it's wrecking up Cloudsdale!" A second voice called.
"Switching to rear-view camera," Sam hits a few more of the many buttons on the dashboard and the camera view changes. Everyone's mouth dropped open, everyone, that is, except Daniel. On the screen now are two equine figures, one blue one brown, with wings out their backs, chasing the airplane.
"See, I told you!" Daniel shouts, "Lets see, that's Rainbow Dash, and that's...."
"Daniel?" Jack recovers from his gape, "You KNOW these things?"
"Well yeah, while you were getting ready, I was doing some cultural research," Daniel responds.
"Daniel Jackson, our internet records say you've been watching, My Little Pony:Friendship Is Magic?!" General Hammond walks into the room, holding a few pieces of paper.
"Pffft," Jack laughs, "Cultural research my foot!"
"It's true, look, here's a picture of Rainbow Dash, that blue pony...AS SEEN ON THE TELEVISION SHOW." Daniel holds up his wallet, revealing a picture of the blue pony inside.
"Wait wait wait, you keep a picture of a pony in your wallet?" Jack says, marveling at the idea, not just the picture.
"Well yeah, it makes it 20% cooler!" Daniel said, acting as if everyone knew this.
"Guys!" Sam called everyone's attention back to the monitor, "I have some visuals of a native town." Pictures of a perfect little town, as seen from above blinked onto the monitor. Multi-colored ponies walked around it's streets, laughing and playing.
"Ok, wow.... So wait, once again, your SURE this isn't the Disney channel?" Jack asked Sam. She sighed.
"Yes, I'm sure, this is the planet!"
"Ok ok," Jack said, pulling back.
"UAV running low on fuel, prepare for crash landing." Sam steered the craft towards an uninhabited part of the land and let go of the controls.
-----
Meanwhile in Ponyville, Pinkie noticed her tail twitching.
"Hmm, twitchy tail...AK!" She said, diving for cover.
"Come on Pinkie not this again!" Twilight said, sighing and moving over to her friend.
"Get down here, something's gonna fall!" Pinkie pulled Twilight under the bench.
"Pfft, Pinkie, nothing's gonna fall! This is all ridiculous!" Twilight said, squished under the bench with the pink mare.
"It's gonna be big!"
"Pinkie nothings--" Twilight stopped.
NNNNNNNNNNNNNRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!
A black streak flies out of the sky, striking the ground near by.
BOOM!
A firey explosion filled the air.
"Alright, I guess you're right...." Twilight muttered, defeated yet again by the Pinkie Sense.
-----
"Alright, ready?" Jack asked as his companions lined up behind him.
"Yup!" Everyone replied.
"CHEVRON 7, ACTIVATED!" A voice booms over the loud speaker. The swirl of anti-matter is sucked back into the gate.
"Alright, let's take Cartoon Network by force!" Jack shouts, charging into the blue sheen. The rest of the team followed, plunging into another world.
"Fluttershy, get your soldiers together!" Twilight called from the town square. She was surrounded by papers, plans, and suchlike....a genuine outdoor war-room.
"Uh, yes Twilight, tho that is more Angel's department...." Fluttershy cringed. She didn't like all this war business, but everypony else seemed to think it was necessary, so she went along with it.
"I don't care whose department it is, Rainbow said we have some bi-pedals coming in at 3:00, fast. Their armed, we have to be ready to fight them!" Twilight feverishly wrote and handed out pieces of paper with orders on them to the Ponyville townsfolk, each with a pitchfork or some other form of weaponry held in their mouths.
"Alright, come Angle," Fluttershy walked off to toward her home, a little white bunny dressed in full combat regalia following in her wake.
"RUN!" Twilight shouted after her. Fluttershy broke into a gallop. Running along at a very fast pace, thanks to a little bunny proding her with a 2" long AK-47, she heard a strange, very strange noise.
Running into the Everfree forest to investigate, Fluttershy found a glistening blue portal, like the ones the evil bi-pedals had come out of three years ago, except this one was different. It was rusty, surrounded by bracken and vines, and had a perfectly round hole cut in the underbrush in front of it.
Fluttershy watched in aw for a few moments until four figures flew out of the portal, one wearing sunglasses, all holding weapons.
Ratatatata!
Angel's miniature weapon went off. The little rabbit was braced on the ground, prepared to deal with anything, a serious expression on her little bunny face.
"Angel! That's not nice!" Fluttershy stared at her friend. Angel wilted under the glare.
"Hey!" The bi-pedal wearing sunglasses walked up to Fluttershy, "We're SG-1, nice to meet-"
Fluttershy whimpered and ran off.
"Well, that wasn't much of a welcome," O'neil took off his sunglasses and looked after the running pony.
-----
"Sir! I'm picking up some odd particles in the air," Carter calls out to O'neil while staring at a device in her hand.
"Dangerous?" The colonial asks, donning his sunglasses again.
"I don't know, they seem to be some kind of high-pitched energy field," Sam checks her monitors again, "Nope, we haven't encountered this kind of stuff before."
The team kept walking, through Everfree forest, soon emerging in a meadow.
"WOW!" Daniel cries, looking out over the green pasture, "Look, that's Fluttershy's cottage!"
"Daniel..." Jack pats his friend on the back, "I know this is exciting, but could you at LEAST try to stay calm."
"Indeed," Teal'c said. Everyone turned to look at him, the wildly out of context 'Indeed' sinking in.
"You ever notice how much you say 'indeed'?" Jack says, walking out into the pasture,
"Hmm, I do?" Teal'c said, a look of slight confusion contorting it's way onto his stoic face, "Indeed I have not noticed."
"See, there you go again!"
"Indeed."
"GAAAA!!!"
"Jack!" Daniel called to the colonial, "Lets head over to Ponyville! It's that town over there."
"Disney Channel here we go again," Jack mutters under his breath while following Daniel.
-----
"Twilight, we have more enemies coming out of Everfree!" Rainbow called down to her friend.
"Gotcha," Twilight makes a nick on her battle plan, "How many?"
"Four, not that heavily armed," Rainbow calls down, looking over the meadow at the four approuching figures.
"Magic resistant armor?" Twilight asks, furiously writing things down on a piece of paper.
"Negative," Rainbow flies down, "I can take them!"
"No, you're needed as field commander in the west, Fluttershy has her animals there and I've asked the townsfolk to set up barricades, you have about 200 soldiers, good luck" Twilight says, handing Rainbow a hat that says 'Field Commander' on it.
"Hey cool! Oh, gotcha!" Rainbow shot off.
"Now to deal with these four.." Twilight muttered, galloping off towards where Rainbow said the bi-pedals were coming from.
-----
"Ok guys, this is it, Ponyville!" Jack called walking into the little town. The streets are dusty, and no one is around. "Hello?" He calls. No reply comes.
"Hmm, It would appear that the local lifeforms are not here," Teal'c stated the obvious, raising his eyebrows.
"Sir, the energy field, it's moving," Sam called while looking at an instrument in her hand, "And it's coming toward us."
"Ok, what should we do about it?" Jack asks, cautiously looking around.
"I'm not sure if it's aiming for us..." Daniel thought out loud.
"Right, Carter! What's it doing now?" Jack asked, turning to the captain.
"Still headed towards us, it's contorting itself into a shape...." Sam says, a look of concern on her face.
"Ok, does it look dangerous?" Jack asked the captain.
"Uh, I don't think so..."
"Woah! Look at that!" Daniel cries, pointing to a shimmer that now surrounded Teal'c.
"Teal'c, are you alright?" Jack asks the Jafa who is now standing in place, apparently frozen. The glow subsides and Teal'c falls to the ground unconscious, his staff weapon clattering down next to him.
"Teal'c!" Sam calls, running toward him, but seconds later, she too slumps to the ground unconscious.
"Brilliant, the usual welcoming," Jack muttered as he fell to the ground with the rest of them.
-----
Twilight powered down her horn. A simple sedation spell had done them in, good. Satisfied with herself, she ran down the back of the house on which she had been standing to perform the spell. Now, to get these to the Princess....
Powering up her horn, Twilight performed one of her most amazing feats of magic yet: Teleporting herself and four humans to Canterlot. Straining, twisting, conforming the magic to her will, Twilight gives a push and all five being disappear.
Arriving right in the throne room, in front of Princess Celestia herself, Twilight bows before her ruler.
"Twilight! What are you doing here, and what are those?" Celestia asks, her eyebrows raised.
"Princess, these are captured bi-pedals, I believe we may be able to learn something from them to assist in the war," Twilight explains, prodding the limp form of O'neil with her hoof, "Anyway, we better lock them up...the sedation spell will wear off in a few hours."
"Guards, take these four to the dungeons!" Celestia calls, eight guards dash into the room, and, nimbly picking up the limp bodies, one guard on each end, hall them out of the room.
"Twilight; I just don't know what to say about this war you've been fighting...." Celestia trailed off, conflicted internally.
"Sir, we've been disarmed," Sam shook the previously slumbering colonial. SG-1 had woken up in a, well, a dungeon for lack of a better word.
"Yeah yeah Carter, I heard you the first four times," Jack pulled himself off the floor, "Oh, you have GOT to be kidding me."
"What is it?" Sam and Daniel asked in unicen.
"We're in a goddamn cliche dungeon!" Jack swept his hands around, gesturing to the barred metal cell, "Look, spiders, rats...wait, even chains? Gruel? This really is the Disney Channel!"
"Indeed," Teal'c said, standing in front of the door, "I see the lock here could be easily picked."
"Oh WOW, even a giant golden lock? You have got to be kidding!" Jack said, walking over to the lock. "Ok, how can you stand here and tell me we aren't in a cartoon?"
"Well, it's all in the vibrations of the vocal cords...." Daniel started, sarcastically.
"Could you just shut up?" Jack said, sighing a little.
"Indeed," Teal'c added. Everyone looked at him but turned away after a few minutes.
"Wait a minute, if this is a cliche dungeon than that means....." Sam said, getting an idea, "That means that the keys must be in easy reach!"
"Hey, good thinking captain," Jack said, patting Sam on the back.
"Indeed, here they are," Teal'c pointed to a table right next to their cell on which several gold and silver keys were place, shimmering slightly in the torchlight.
"And wait a minute, if this is a cliche dungeon than aren't the bars so wide you can just walk through them?" Daniel pointed out, looking at the bars in the front of the cell.
"Hey, good thinking!" Jack started to squeeze between the bars.
ZZZAP!
He jumped back, his exit set off a barrier of some sort that prevented them from leaving.
"Damn, and I could have sworn those people princesses on Saturday morning cartoons could have gotten up and left without waiting for a freaking knight in shining armor to show up and bop the captors on the head and swing the door open WITHOUT USING A KEY!" Jack started in a mutter, but ended in a full blow rant. Everyone looked at him, a little oddly.
"Sir, are you alright?" Sam asked, looking inquisitively at her superior.
"What? Alright? We're trapped in a dungeon in a cartoon! Do you call that alright?" Jack said.
"Indeed," Teal'c said, his eyes fixated on the outside of the dungeon
"Look, would you say something other than 'indeed', or at LEAST try to make it in context?" Jack said, walking over to Teal'c.
"Indeed, I will try."
"Thank you."
----
After a few more hours of carrying on like this, the team heard footsteps coming from down the hallway.
"Hey good, now I suppose it'll be two guards dressed in iron armor come to take us before their queen," Jack said, rolling his eyes a little.
Two guards walked into view....pony guards.
"Ok, this is too much!" Jack put his palm to his face, "Not just guards...but PONY guards?"
"We have come to take you to Queen Princess Celestia," One of the stone-faced guards announced.
"See, what did I tell ya?" Jack whispered to Teal'c, whose expression didn't change at the slight joke.
"Wait, a queen princess?" Daniel asked, curious about the culture.
"Let me give you run down on what happens when you ask us questions, Randolf! Get down here," The guard shouted and another white stallion clad in silver armor ran into view.
"Now:
"One of us always tells the truth,
"One of us always lies
"And one of us stabs people who ask tricky questions. Now, who were you asking?" The guard turned to Daniel.
"N-nobody..." He stammered under the threatening glare of the horse.
"What?" The guard raised an eyebrow, "Nobody?"
"Sorry, nopony," Daniel corrected himself.
"Thank you, now, come along." The guards unlocked the cell and led SG-1 through the dungeons, up a stone spiral staircase and into the throne room.
"The prisoners, Princess!" a stallion shouted upon their arrival. An all white mare was standing on a velvet carpet, her mane flowing like water as it dashed out from her neck.
"Ok, let me guess...you're the ruler around here?" Jack asked, still weary of the situation.
"Yes, I am," Celestia responded, "And you are?"
"I'm colonial Jack O'neil and that's Dr. Daniel Jackson, Samantha Carter, and Teal'c," Jack pointed to each of the team's members as he said their name, "We're SG-1 here on a reconnaissance mission because of this scroll," Jack gestured to Daniel who pulled the instigating piece of parchment out of his pocket.
The piece of paper was surrounded in a glow, much that similar that surrounded Teal'c before the team was knocked out. It flew up into the air and hovered next to princess Celestia.
"Well, I can't explain how it got to your planet, but I can say that it's from my student, Twilight Sparkle and poses no threat to you." She turned an eagle eye on O'neil, "Now what do YOU know about Hasbro?"
"Has whata whata?" O'neil said, turning to his team for help.
"I think Hasbro is a toy and TV show company on Earth, Jack," Daniel explained, Celestia raised an eyebrow at the remark.
"But how did you know about it, here in this world?" Jack asked Celestia.
"Well," Celestia sighed, her eyes down turned with sadness, "They came through the glistening portal three years ago; Seeming friendly enough, we accepted a cultural exchange," She sighed once more, "But that was our greatest mistake."
"What, what happened?" Daniel asked, taking over the dimplomacy for the rest of the team...things seemed to go better when he did the talking.
"Well, I'll tell you. After we accepted the cultural exchange, the humans, at least I think that's what they were called, started studying our magic, learning it's every fiber of how it works. A unicorn learns how to control magic, not what the magic itself IS, no, nopony has questioned that before the exchange.
"They said they studied it to satisfy their own curiousity....that they can't go anywhere without picking apart the ways of life. I agreed, thinking it was harmless at the time. But soon, they began making something we all began to fear: magic resistant armor.
"The magic resistant armor, or MRA as they called it, prevented them from being affected by our spells for a time, eventually the magic bursting through it. But until then, they could do whatever the wanted. They took us by force, coming through the portal in legions. We had little warning, but what we had we used to our advantage.
"The one year war....a brutal fight for Equestria...I don't entirely aproove of it myself, but there was a legion of ponies, unicorns, earth,and pegasi. They attempted to attack and destroy the intruders. Unfortunately, the humans had the MRA, preventing them from being snuk up on a attacked by magic like you were. It buyed them enough time to locate and destroy the opposing unicorn. They had weapons, much like yours, that when triggered would fire a projectile so fast, it could go through a tree.
"I myself gave up, letting that, that HASBRO treat us like slaves. For all I know, the one year warriors are still out there, and Twilight Sparkle is one of them. Right now, those humans treat us like slaves, like actors. We follow directions and scripts they give us, guns trained on us all the time...."
Celestia sighed, "So you see, that is our plight."
"Well, princess, can I speak with the queen?" Jack asked, Daniel put a palm to his forehead.
"Queen? I know not of this word," Celestia looked at Jack with a stare cold enough to whither growing corn, "This isn't a trick, is it?"
"No, your highness," Daniel stepped in, saving the face of his colleagues, "He merely making a misunderstanding of your governing system."
"Oh, alright," Celestia said, continue to stare at Jack suspisiously, "But are you four here to help...HASBRO?"
"No, in fact we are willing to help you fight against them. They come from our planet too, so it is our duty to clean up after our own messes," Daniel explained.
"Good," Celestia's face obtained a slightly more cheerful expression, "It may be a grave mistake, but I accept your offer. Guards, treat these four like regular ponies!"
"Uh, could you do humans?" Jack asked.
"Indeed," the long silent Teal'c added.
Celestia ignored this comment.
"Alright, let's meet in the conference room to further discuss battle plans," Celestia said, a glimmer of hope appearing on her face, "Thank you."
"Your welcome," Jack said before Daniel could stop him.
"What?" O'neil asked Daniel who was giving him a glare that could crack stone, "What did I say?"
Any word from SG-1, Sargent?" Hammond asked, walking into the dialing office with an air of importance. He stopped next to a woman seated at a console overlooking the gate room. The dormant gate sat, it's chevrons inactive as the lights flickered above. Next to it, a couple of heavy chain guns sat, their safety catches preventing any misfires.
"No sir," the Sargent replied, punching on her keyboard rapidly. "Have had no attempts to communicate since the went through.
"Well, if they don't come back in five hours, send SG-5 through to see what happened," Hammond turned back to the star map, slowly pacing around the room.
"Yes sir," the Sargent replied.
Hammond looked at the star map, observing everywhere man had been, where man was going, and where man would never, ever touch foot in again. The closely spaced white dots represented planets and stars, mothers and children. Somewhere out there in the cosmos, something was happening, and it probably involved SG-1.
"If you need me I'll be in my office," Hammond stated, walking back to the door of his office. The soft quietness that descended on Stargate Command at times like these was slightly unnerving. Peaceful, but unnerving.
Hammond wondered what could be dangerous in 'the Disney Channel' as Jack put it. Indeed, it did look strikingly similar to a show his granddaughters loved... My Little Pony or something like that. But they couldn't be the same, unless it was a giant illusion.
Hammond turned back to his paperwork, shaking his head a little.
-----
"Alrighty then," Jack took a seat at a very low chair, and quickly stood up again. "What, are you all midgets?"
"They're horses, Jack," Daniel whispered, polietly attempting to sit on one of the infernal chairs himself.
"Never mind then," Jack decided standing would be the best way to go. Teal'c had already decided that standing was an optimal option and was doing so on the side of the wall. Jack joined him, putting on the first serious face since this expedition started.
"Now my little ponies," Celestia looked up. "I mean," she backpeddled, "Humans?"
"Yeah, most of us at anyrate, just call us humans," Jack said from the wall.
"It doesn't really matter," Sam put in, standing next to Jack and Teal'c after a long and infuriating battle with a short chair.
"Indeed," Teal'c put in.
"Go on," Daniel said, pulling out a notebook and pen. He was awkwardly wedged in a seat, barely managing to produce a writing hand. Jack snickered a little.
"Now, I'm sure you know that the four of you can not do very much against legions of them, correct?" Celestia started. Daniel began to scribble feverishly in his book, catching every word the princess said and adding a few notes about the culture.
"Indeed," Teal'c nodded. Celestia continued.
"The shimmering portal, you have reinforcements on the other side, correct?" Celestia's horn glowed as a piece of parchment spread itself out in front of her.
"Yes, lots," Sam said, "Much better weapons there too, we've got cruise missiles, tanks, fighters, it goes on and on."
"But we aren't bringing the entire Air Force with us," Jack put in, "Just half of it."
"Indeed. But, O'neil, how will we fit it through the Stargate?" Teal'c questioned, oblivious of the colonel's sarcasam.
"We aren't actually bringing half the Air Force," Jack rolled his eyes, "Just a few special teams and a truckload of C4."
"Wait, what?" Daniel eeked himself around in his chair, looking at his colleagues standing against the wall. "We want to free this place, not turn it into a smoldering crater."
"Nevermind, go on," Jack nodded at the princess. Her inquisitive look vanished as she continued to speak.
"Then I propose that you go through the portal and bring back enough reinforcements to destroy this, Hasbro," Celestia looked at the team as though she had just stated the Gettysburg Address. Jack cracked up.
"Not only do they look like they're made for six year olds, they've got the battle strategy of six year olds as well!" he choaked between giggles. Teal'c stared at him and gave him a sharp whack on the back.
"Thanks big guy," Jack straightened up, patting Teal'c on the shoulder. He nodded. "Now let's go execute mission crayon!"
-----
"And I still think this is ridiculous," Jack continued at a frustrated Daniel, "I mean, pascal colored ponies?! Unicorns?! Sure, they've got a culture, but I still think it's silly."
"Silly or no, we have to get on good terms with them," Daniel said irritably, "We don't want any more enemies than we have to!"
"Enemies?! These things barely know what war is!" Jack threw hands in the air. They were walking through Everfree forest, the foliage licking at their ankles. A few beasts growled at them occasionally, but were quickly frightened off by a couple gunshots.
"Could you just give it rest, you two?" Sam put in, "You've been at this ever since we left Canterlot, I mean enough's enough!"
"Indeed," Teal'c said, bringing up the rear with his staff weapon. "You're constant feud could be quickly and effectively remedied by a Jafa tradition."
"Which is?" Jack prompted, glaring at Daniel.
"Dueling to the death with melee weapons," Teal'c stated flatly. Jack and Daniel exchanged glances.
"We're going just fine, bickering like six year olds, aren't we?" Jack said, looking tensely at Daniel.
"Yeah, just great," Daniel sighed.
"We're here," Sam broke the silence which had fallen over the compony. She walked up to the DHD, it looked derrilict. Weeds tangled through each of the buttons, catching fire as they were pressed.
"We don't need a forest fire and a war," Daniel said, beginning to dump his water bottle on the flames.
The gate turned as the chevrons engaged, and each button pressed started a new fire, which emptied Daniel's water bottle even more. Finally, the last one completed, and a swirling cloud of anti-matter erupted from the gate. Soon, it was back in a glimmering water like sheen.
"Let's get this over with," Jack charged towards the gate, punching the iris code into his radio as he went. There was a soft thump as he dissipeared into the blueness. The others followed silently behind him, one after the other going to Earth.
------
"And that's why we need SG-3 and 4 to come with us," Sam finished. Hammond nodded.
"Very good, captain, colonel?" he turned to Jack, who was reveling in the regular sized chair. "Colonel?"
"Right, yes," he looked seriously at the general, "What Sam said."
"Excuse me?" Hammond raised an eyebrow.
"Whatever she said, I'm sure she said it right," Jack hurridly backpedaled.
"Right..."
"Indeed," Teal'c put in.
"Well it's decided then, meet in the gateroom at 0800 hours," Hammond stood up, "Dismissed."
"That gives me a full hour of non-linedrawn reality," Jack stretched, "What a treat."
"Indeed."
-----
"Chevron 7, ENGAGE!" the voice boomed through the gateroom as the twirling gate clanked into position. The woosh of antimatter that always exited the gate was sucked back in, and SG-1 and SG-3 were standing ready.
"You ready, colonel?" O'neil asked Makepeace as they stood in front of the glistening portal. "It's really weird (and somewhat disgusting if you ask me)."
"I heard that!" Daniel called. O'neil shook his head.
"Believe me colonel," Makepeace adjusted the machine gun on his shoulder, "We've seen lots of weird things."
"Trust me," O'neil said, "This is weirder than weird."
"Let's go have a look, shall we?" Makepeace gestured to his burly marines, charging through the gate. SG-1 followed soon after, finding Makepeace and his team absolutly dumbfounded.
"Bloody hell," Makepeace whispered, "You have got to be kidding me."
"See?" O'neil patted him on the shoulder, "Just wait till you see the locals. They're pastel colored ponies."