Simon and Lewis test out a new portal experiment in YogLabs that takes them somewhere that they didn't quite didn't mean to go to, and have no way back. Hilarity ensues.
"Alright Simon, I have one more thing to show you here in YogLabs, come this way." "Okay." YogLabs: The sight of a huge battle between a dwarf and a spaceman, and the government, and the sight of countless experiments that may or may not destroy the world. But now, Xephos unveils their latest experiment: a huge portal to a different dimension. But they did not mean to go to this dimension. And now they can't go back. At least Simon's happy, though. [Yogscast Crossover]
"Is the Coffee Machine working yet, Lewis?" Simon calls from the break room, down the halls of YogLabs to his comrade, the Spaceman, Lewis, or Xephos.
Lewis came down the hall to the Break Room, and looked at the Coffee Machine, "Well, there are a few problems, still."
"What Kind of problems?" The Dwarf inquired
"Oh, you know, some of the flesh from some of the old staff came out of Dr. Sriviramen's room, and got stuck in the pipes, and-"
"I'm sorry?" Asked Simon in surprise.
"Oh, it's nothing." Lewis Gingerly Said.
"I thought I heard you say something about the flesh of the old Testificate staff." Simon interrogated.
"Oh, no." Lewis speedily replied. "Just turn it on."
Simon did as his mate said, and pressed the button on the Coffee machine. Immediately, he heard the buzzing of saws, and an odd fleshy sound, as a minecart drove down the tracks. It reached the end and a cup of disgusting pink fluid, with some white and brown chunks in it, came out. Simon picked up the cup, and Lewis asked, "Is it ready?"
"I don't know, it's called "Flesh in a Cup" The Dwarf said unsurely.
"Oh, I'm sure it's fine. Give it a try." Lewis 'Reassured'.
"Well, the thing is, I don't know if I want to." Simon replied.
"Just give it a try."
"If you insist, mate." Simon said as he chugged down the cup. Immediately, his vision went all blurry, and he became very hungry. "Lewis, it's poisoned me."
"Ahh, just walk it off." Lewis encouraged.
"Wooaahhh." Simon reeled as he stumbled about the break room. The "Flesh in a Cup" had made it impossible to walk straight."
"Here, just drink some milk." Lewis said, as he threw a bucket of milk at Simon, who sucked it into his body.
Simon drank the milk, and his poison disappeared. "Thanks, mate, much better. So what do we have today here in YogLabs?" Simon asked.
"Well, actually, Simon, we've been working on a portal over this way in YogLabs."
They walked down the hall to a large metal door adorning the end of the passage. It was labeled on the top as "INTERDIMENSIONAL PORTAL: CAUTION"
"So this is our interdimensional portal." Said Lewis matter-of-fact-ly, "This has been under construction for the past few weeks, and me and Doctor Sriviramen have been working on. It's kind of like a Dimensional door, except a lot bigger and a lot more powerful."
"So, where's it gonna take us, Lewis?" Simon asked excitedly.
"Well, we don't quite know yet. We need some guinea pigs to try it." Lewis said.
"So who's that going to be?" Simon asked, even though he knew who it was going to be.
"That's where you come in. You and I are going to take it wherever it goes."
"Wonderful."
"Shall we get started?"
"Sure."
Lewis and Simon stepped through the door, and saw four huge Obsidian pillars in a square, created a large portal in the center. They stepped towards it, and Simon asked: "So, how does this work?"
"Oh, I don't know." Said Lewis, "Shall we test it?"
"I guess." Said Simon unsurely.
Lewis pulled a lever, and the portal was created. The Spaceman stepped in, and his shout was cut off as he disappeared.
"Lewis? LEWIS!" Simon shouted for his colleague. But he found the only way to find him to be to go through the portal. He stepped in, and shouted in fright as the portal sucked him in, and he flew through a twisty tunnel, and was thrown out in the sky somewhere, he didn't know where, but everything was smooth and his body was no longer square. He flew through the sky, and landed in a forest. He wen t through the leaves, and hit himself on the branches, and finally landed in the dirt road going through the forest.
He had no idea what dimension this could be, but it just looked like the real world. He looked up the road, and down it, then in front of him.
He froze. His eyes were wide open, and his mouth was slowly inching to his ears. In front of him stood three little animals. An orange one, a White one, and a yellow one. Simons voice came back and became a screech of joy as he looked at the three little ponies.
He jumped up, screeching: "AAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWW!"
The Cutie Mark Crusaders covered their ears to shield themselves from the concussive attacks of this weird creature.
"Uguu!" He said again, just in happiness and joy in the sight of these three fillies. "Who are you?" He teased them.
"The question is: Who are YOU!" Sweetie Belle said as she pointed to the fat dwarf.
Apple Bloom added, "And What are you?"
"Oh my god, they talk. AAAAWWWWWW!" Simon squealed, "So adorable!" he picked up Scootaloo and squeezed her tight.
"Get away!" Scootaloo said as she pushed herself away from Simon. "And tell us who, and what, you are!"
Simon got himself under control, and seriously told them "I'm Simon, and I'm a human. Who are you three little ponies?"
Each of the Cutire Mark Crusaders introduced themselves: Scootaloo, Apple Bloom, and Sweetie Belle. Then, Apple Bloom approached the dwarf saying, "So, Simon, where do you humans come from?"
"Well, you see little Apple Bloom, when a Man and a Woman love each other very much, they-"
Apple Bloom interrupted, "No, no, no, we all know how THAT works." all three Cutie Mark Crusaders shuttered, "What we mean is, where do you live?"
"I live in England"
"Eng-what now?" Asked Apple Bloom.
"England, Great Britain, UK, etc."
"Wow!" said Scootaloo, "You sure do live in a lot of places!"
"What, you don't know where England is?"
"Where it is?" said Sweetie Belle, "I don't even know WHAT Eng-whatever is."
"well, then, Where do you live?"
"Ponyville" Said Apple Bloom.
"Ponyville?" asked Simon, "Where's that?"
The Cutie Mark Crusaders all pointed down the road." That direction."
"Do you have any idea how I get there?" Asked Simon.
"You can Gallop." Suggested Apple Bloom.
"No, I'd rather walk." Said Simon.
"Walk?" The Cutie Mark Crusaders asked simultaneously. "What does that mean?"
"You have got to be kidding me." Simon sighed, "Do you not know how a human works?"
"No." said Sweetie Belle, "We've never seen one before."
"Oh, surely you've seen a human before. Don't you have them in Ponyville?"
"Nope" said Scootaloo, "All ponies."
"Really?" asked Simon.
"Yeah." Confirmed Apple Bloom.
"I'm in heaven." Said Simon, with a huge smile upon his face. He had already forgotten all about Lewis. "So, how do I get to this lovely town?"
"Just follow me." said Scootaloo, putting on a helmet and summoning a scooter from thin air. "I'll lead the way."
"That's my line!" Shouted Simon.
"I'm sorry?" said Scootaloo.
"Nevermind, just forget it. Just forget it."
"Okay." said Scootaloo, "Just try to keep up with the scooter."
Simon sprinted down the road, out of breath and chafing, trying to keep up with Scootaloo and the other fillies. He wasn't the fittest dwarf, however, and he quickly fell behind. In a few minutes, the Scooter was nothing, disappeared over the horizon as Simon tried to jog down the road as best he could, all the while thoughts zooming through his mind about this amazing world full of ponies. He was going to have a blast.
Eventually, Simon remembered his counterpart, Lewis. He tried to figure out how he would track down his mate, as he must have ended up somewhere else.
Before he could get a solid plan up and running, Simon's curiosity got the best of him, unsurprisingly, and he climbed a tree trying to survey the landscape. He gripped on branch, but when his foot stepped up onto one it broke like a twig. After a while of searching, he found a sturdy branch, and pushed himself up. After doing this a few more time, the dwarf, grunting, finally broke the top of the tree.
For miles around he saw mountains and trees. directly ahead of him was a large red barn and acres of Apple Trees, undoubtedly an orchard, and to his right, he saw a town. This must have been Ponyville. He saw a large gazebo in the center, surrounded by terraces of houses and businesses. Then he saw the scooter, miles ahead, lodged in a tree hollow.
He immediately worried for the lives of the three little friends he had made, and sprinted like the dickens to the tree. Upon arriving, he pulled the scooter out of the maple, and looked inside for the ponies. The three were sitting there, laughing at him. Once Simon realized it was a joke, he laughed along.
Then, the three fillies got out, and their journey to Ponyville was short. But detoured.
First, Apple Bloom wanted to show Simon to her brother and sister, so they stopped by the apple orchard.
Simon walked down the main lane, surrounded on each side by apple trees, leading to a large red barn. behind that, there was a tall awkward house. He heard an odd sound, and he turned towards the orchard to his right.
"Yeeeeeeee-Haaaaaawwwwww" an orange pony shouted as she galloped to an apple tree. she scudded to a halt, turned, and bucked with her back legs with all her might, vibrating the tree, and causing bushels of apples to fal into buckets placed around the tree. Simon was in awe, but Apple Bloom tugged his shirt sleeve.
"Yeah, Apple Bloom?" Simon asked, turning to the filly, "What is it?"
"That's mah Sister Applejack!" She shouted, and pointed back towards Applejack herself.
Simon couldn't help blushing as AJ turned towards her little sister. She locked eyes with the dwarf and got curious. "Apple Bloom!" she shouted, "Come here!"
The filly dashed over her to her sister, and they had a mumbled conversation.
"Apple Bloom, what in equestrian is that?" AJ asked.
"That's Simon!"
"Simon?" Applejack asked, "Is that it's name?"
"Yeah. I think it's a he, though."
"Well, where does he come from?"
"Someplace called England!"
"England, huh?"
"Yeah, England!"
"Did he mention where England was?"
"No, actually."
"Well, what is Simon over there?"
"Ah, he's a Human!"
"A Human?"
"Yep!"
Applejack now turned her head to Simon, who waved shyly and excitedly at her. "Hey, uh, Simon!" she shouted.
"Yes?" he shuttered.
"Why don't you come over here!"
"Okay." he said as he stepped over the fence and towards Applejack.
"Now, Simon."
"Yes, My Little Pony?"
"First of all, don't call me that. Second of all, would'ya mind telling me a bit about yourself?"
"Sure!" Simon was overly exited to share his many stories about him and his mate, Lewis, who he had now remembered. "Well, what would you like to know?"
"Where exactly did you come from?"
"Uhh, my mother." Simon replied sarcastically.
"Not like that, where are you from?"
"I'm from England."
"Now, where exactly is that?"
"Just north of Germany, across the English channel."
"I'm sorry, did you mean Ger-mane-y?"
"No, I mean Germany."
"Is that just the way you say it? You talking about that place east of Prance?"
"No, France. It's just east of France."
"Wow, you humans sure do talk funny."
"So do you. You sound like an American."
"That's a type of Cheese, Simon, not a type of Pony."
"There a type of human, though."
"You see, are you sure you're a hu-whatever?"
"I'm pretty sure I'm a human. Although I like to believe I'm a dwarf."
"A what now?"
"A Dwarf! You know, short, fat, big beards, love Jaffas."
"Jaf-who? What are you talking about!"
"Jaffa Cakes!"
"I've never heard of that type of cake before!"
"Please tell me you have Jaffa Cakes." Simon now doubted the amazingness of this world. If they didn't have Jaffas, he was sure he wouldn't want to hang around much longer.
"Not that I'm aware of, we don't."
"Well, then, I might as well shoot myself." Simon turned and walked off.
"Now wait a minute, Simon!" Applejack galloped in front of him, "There ain't no reason to go to such drastic measures."
"If you had ever eaten a Jaffa Cake, you would know how this feels." Said Simon, as if his entire family had just died.
"Just, why don't you meet the family first?"
"How many of you are there?"
"Oh, hundreds!" Apple Bloom shouted, "Scattered all over Equestria."
"Hundreds! Well, I don't know if I have enough time. I have to find my mate, Lewis."
"You have a mate?"
"Everyone should have a mate. Mine's a scrawny man named Lewis."
"You mated with another man?"
Simon laughed, "No, not like that. Mate means friend."
Simon was over the shock of this new world, and had, within the course of a few hours, gotten pretty used to the quadrupeds. Yet, he still had to explain himself and his ways to them. He liked the Apple Family, or at least what he saw. He did think the big red one was a little short on words.
Now, the big fat dwarf sat at the table of the Apple Family house. He was drinking some... uhhhh... Coffee? He had to explain the concept and the recipe to them, and the final product wasn't exactly craftsmanship. He compared it in his head to trying to make a tribe of dogs make an internal combustion engine: not very smart.
But he liked the ponies: they were cute, they were funny, and they were smart-ish. But every now and again he had to think of Lewis. He wondered where he was, if he was having as much fun as Simon, but he doubted it. He was Simon, he could have fun with a rock. But Lewis, he wasn't as fun as Simon.
********
Lewis wasn't having as much fun as his counterpart. He was in Canterlot Prison. It was a long story...
Lewis had landed somewhere on a mountain, but he used his experience in the scouts to find the city of Canterlot. he approached the city gates, but was cut off by the guards.
"Halt!" one shouted, "What be your purpose in this city?"
Lewis grinned as he pulled the Desert Eagle from his trousers that he brought with him. He aimed the pistol, and shot the guard who asked the question. The other guard tried to run him through with his spear, but ended up with another bullet in his skull.
Lewis opened the gate, and took out his radio.
"Sriviramen, come in." he said into the radio.
"This is Sriviramen, Xephos. Have you made any progress?" The doctor replied with a very racist Indian accent.
"2 dead, more to come. This dimension is primitive, and cannot combat us." Xephos replied as he hid behind a house.
"Very good, Xephos. Be sure to bring back as many horns as possible. Sriviramen out." The radio clicked, and the doctor was gone.
Xephos exited from the corner of the house, and was confronted by two unicorns, who looked upon him and scoffed.
The male said, "Well, this is a disgust to me senses."
His wife said, "Oh, Jet Set, I do so agree. Look at that silk, it isn't fit for a dog!"
Lewis pulled out his Desert Eagle, and soon the two ponies lay upon the ground. He kneeled, pulled out his pocket knife, and cut off the two horns from the ponies.
Unfortunately, a guard had come up behind Lewis, and bound him.
He was being pushed through the castle halls when he wished he had his gun back. They took it when they restrained him, and now he stood in front of Princess Celestia.
The trial was short, and Lewis was put in the prison. Now he was alone. It wasn't his fault, he was just doing what Sriviramen told him to. He took out his radio he was able to smuggle in in the usual place, and said, "Sriviramen, this is Xephos, do you copy?"
Sriviramen replied, "I copy, Xephos. How is Operation Matrix coming along?"
"Four casualties, two horns recovered."
"Only 4? Are you trying your hardest, Xephos?"
"Well, doctor, there's been an issue."
"And what is that, Xephos?"
"I've been caught. I'm in prison."
The radio clicked, and Doctor Sriviramen did not respond. And so, Lewis was alone, in this dungeon, accused of multiple murder.
At least Simon was happy, though.
*******
Simon still sat in his chair, a few hours later, except now he was asleep, mid-drink of, uhhh, "Coffee". He was enjoying it when little Apple Bloom woke him up.
"Yes, Apple Bloom?" Simon asked, rubbing his eyes and yawning.
"Come on! We still haven't even showed you Ponyville yet!" Apple Bloom had her saddlebags on and was oh so very excited to get going.
"Okay, Apple Bloom, lead the way." And with that, Apple Bloom lead Simon all the way into Ponyville, talking about all of the ponies he would meet, and all the things he could do. Simon phased it out after a while.
Finally, they walked through the gates and to the Gazebo. He was in Ponyville, and everypony was stopping and staring at him. They were in awe at the human. "Attention Ponyville!" Apple Bloom shouted above all other noise, "This is a human! His name is Simon! He poses no threat!"
A grey Pegasus flew down from the clouds, saying, "Are you sure he isn't a threat! You know, they found a human in Canterlot a few hours ago; he killed four ponies!"
Simon was caught by this. The only other human he knew was here was Lewis, and he wouldn't have it in him to kill anything.
Apple Bloom continued: "Of coarse he isn't! He just an honest, hard-working human form, ummm..."
Simon bent over and whispered, "England"
"England!" Apple Bloom shouted.
Simon blushed and said, "Well, I wouldn't say honest or hard-working, but, I'm certainly not dangerous."
The ponies were now confident, and now they carried on with their days. He posed no threat, and new creatures were being discovered every day. Though some not quite as big.
Simon talked to Apple Bloom again, "Are you sure there's no such thing as a Jaffa Cake here?"
Apple Bloom thought, then got an idea, "Well, I don't know, but if you want to know cakes, you should see Pinkie Pie."
"She sounds delightful! Where can I find her?" Simon asked, excited again.
"Just follow me." Apple Bloom lead the way into town to go find the pink pony.
Simon and Apple Bloom walked through the streets of Ponyville, headed for Sugar Cube Corner. Apple Bloom knew the silly human and the, ummm, "Eccentric" pony would get along perfect. Simon was also looking forward to meeting her; she was his only hope for getting Jaffa cakes in this world. He was beginning to think of Apple Bloom as a nice little friend. She was helpful, and she didn't question his extensive knowledge of a world she believed didn't exist. And Apple Bloom like Simon, too. She thought he was funny, and a good friend.
They approached Sugar Cube Corner, and Apple Bloom motioned Simon inside, saying, "I think it's best I stay out here. You'll like Pinkie."
Without question, only with excitement, Simon entered the candy house. He was surprised to see nobody there.
But then...
...There was an explosion of confetti as the pink mare jumped up from behind the counter. She leaped off the display case, and ran right into Simon. She sat there, her head and neck vibrating from the impact, when Simon said, "uhhh, Hello?"
Pinkie jumped up cheering, "Hello! I'm Pinkie Pie!"
"I'm Simon!"
"Nice to meet'ya Simon!"
"You, too, Pinkie."
"So, what brings you to Sugar Cube Corner?" Pinkie didn't seem too concerned at all that Simon was a human, she treated him like any other customer.
"I want a Jaffa Cake!"
"What flavor?"
"Jaffa Flavor!"
"What's Jaffa Flavor?!"
"Delicious!"
"Well, I got LOTS of delicious things! and LOTS of delicious cakes! There's chocolate cake, vanilla cake, orange cake, pineapple cake, red velvet cake, blue cake, strawberry cake, raspberry cake, blueberry cake, oh BLUEBERRIES! Do you like Blueberries?"
Simon could tell he and Pinkie were going to be friends.
********
"Hey Sjin," Sips called from across the hall of Sipsco, "Did you get that new toaster to put over the Microphone?"
"I ordered one," replied Sjin from his office, "from Simon and Lewis, but they never got back to me on it."
"You know what I think, Sjin?"
"What do you think, Sips?"
"I think it's time for a road trip."
Sips and Sjin departed from Sipsco headquarters, and eventually found themselves at the gates of YogLabs.
"Hello?" Sjin called in as they entered the lobby, "Anyone here?"
"Oh, hello!" came the voice of an Indian man. He stepped from the shadows, and was dressed in a bloody apron and doctor's mask, "I am Doctor Sriviramen. I am the head 'doctor' and 'engineer' here at YogLabs. You must be Sjin."
"I am indeed, mister Sriviramen."
"Follow me, sir."
"Now wait a minute Silver Ramen," Sips interrupted, "We came here for a Toaster, so by god we're gonna get a Toaster."
"Okay, sir, right this way," Sriviramen replied. He walked down the hall, with Sjin and sips in tow. He stopped at a gate stained with blood and with a sign reading:
Dr. Sriviramen's
Torture Chamber
Office
"Hey, what's that sign say?" Sips asked.
Doctor Sriviramen said, "Nothing."
"No, I think it says, 'Office', not 'Toaster Warehouse'. We came here for a Toaster, not a business deal from some Indian man."
"Sips, I think you're overreacting." Sjin whispered to his counterpart.
"Sjin, can you believe this guy? God."
Sriviramen interrupted, "You'll get your damn toaster once we're done here, now come inside my tort- err, I mean, Office."
Sips was not responding, "Listen, here, guy. We just walked across blistering deserts and freezing tundra to get here, and all I want is a mother-freaking toaster. So either you give us a goddamn toaster, or you'll see none of us, mister Slitheramen."
Sriviramen was furious, "Now, YOU listen you Canadian bastard! Toasters are a rare commodity here in YogLabs, and I really don't have time to cater to every whim and wish of every two men who come waltzing in! So you may take your goddamn business elsewhere, Mister Piss."
"It's SIPS, and you think you're the only one with problems? I run a multi-million-ish dollar dirt company, and I take no shit from nobody. You wanna get at me, you're gonna have a hell of a time doing it. Now, mister Silver-face, or whatever the hell your name is, get me a goddamn toaster before I rip your balls off of you."
Sriviramen had had enough, "If you insist, mister sips, ill go get your toaster."
"Finally. You see, sjin, that's how you do business. None of your pussy crap.
"I don't think that was really smart, Sips." Sjin warned.
Sriviramen went around the corner, hid out of sight, and pulled the pin on a concussive grenade. He then threw it down the hall at the two businessmen.
"Sjin, forget it. We have a toaster now, and- UHFFF!!" Sips grunted as the grenade went off, sending them both to the floor, unconscious.
Sriviramen thought to himself, Well, these two can't be brainwashed, they're too stubborn. I know exactly where to put them.
The doctor picked up the bodies, took them to the huge iron door, opened it, and threw them into the interdimensional portal.
********
"Now, I don't believe this for a second," Simon said as he and Pinkie were exchanging stories over a few cupcakes, as the first prototype Jaffa Cake ever constructed in Equestria was cooking, "You found a magical pond that cloned you, and the only way to find the real Pinkie was to... what was it again?"
"Watch paint dry!" Pinkie enthusiastically responded, "And the real Pinkie was the one who valued her friendships enough to sit through something so mind-wrenchingly boring in order to stay with them."
They both laughed, and Simon said, "You must be a dedicated friend."
"Oh, the MOST dedicated friend EVER!" said (I say said, really shouted) Pinkie. However, before she could explain, they both heard a boom in the distant skies.
Simon dashed to the window, and told Pinkie, "A huge ball of fire is hurtling down towards Ponyville!"
Pinkie prepared, "I KNEW this day would come! EVERYPONY! Get your water! Get your food! Get in the basement! It's those darn Poniets again! With their shooting missile and what not! Simon! Get in-"
Pinkie's psychotic rant was cut off by the projectile crashing through the roof. Simon recognized the white suit, with it's blue square on the back. "Sips!" he shouted.
"I don't know. Me and Lewis were partaking in an experiment for YogLabs."
Sips, obviously unconcerned with the experiment part, said, "Oh, yeah, I was wondering: Do you guys have any toasters there?"
"I'm sorry?" Simon was confused.
"Well, me and Sjin went there, and there was this weird Indian guy: Like, Shrimp Ramen, or Slitheramen, or I don't know, and he tried to sell us real estate or something, then he knocked us unconscious, and threw us here. But my point is, we just wanted a new toaster to put over my microphone, and Sjin said he ordered one from you."
"Oh, yeah!" Simon remembered, "Lewis was telling me a bit about it. He said something about how we didn't have enough time to pack the C4 into it, because we had an experiment to do."
"Well, next time you should make time!" Sips said angrily, "I mean, you know how long it takes to pack a toaster with C4? It takes, like, two minutes, at most. And now look what's happened."
Pinkie popped her head up from behind the counter, saying, "Hey! You're not a Poniet!"
"A what?" Sips said as he turned his head to look at the pony. As soon as he made eye contact, he froze. "Uhh, Simon?" he asked.
"Yeah, Sips?"
"What is that?" Sips wearily pointed at Pinkie.
"That's a pony, Sips. You know, like horses, but smaller. And they're colorful, and they talk! And they're Magic! And they can fly; and they're really good at riding scooters."
"Well, it's kinda creeping me out." Sips said.
"Pinkie," Simon turned to his new friend.
"Yes, Simon?" Pinkie inquired.
"explain yourself to Sips here." Simon suggested, "I'll go explore the town some more."
"No Problem, Simey!" Pinkie enthusiastically replied, "Just take a seat!" She pulled an armchair from some sort of pocket universe and placed it behind Sips. He wearily sat down. "Now," Pinkie began, "In the beginning, there was a word, and the word was Cake."
Simon left the two and exited the building. He found Apple Bloom, still waiting for him, obviously worried. "What was that?" Asked Apple Bloom wearily, "Was that a bomb or somethin'?"
"Hardly," said Simon, "Just my friend Sips."
"Wow." said Apple Bloom, "You humans sure do have weird ways of gettin' around."
Simon chuckled, "So, who else is there in this town?"
"Oh, LOADS of ponies! There's Rainbow Dash, Twilight Sparkle, Fluttershy, Rarity, all sorts!"
"Hm. Let's go meet Rarity."
"Alright, Simon. Right this way," Apple Bloom started leading away from Sugar Cube Corner and to Carousel Boutique.
*********
"And that's how Equestria was made!"
Sips had just sat through the longest story he had ever been told. He wasn't even sure he understood it either. He was regaled with tales of old, rock farms, everlasting night, and dragons. He basically understood one thing:
This world was crazy.
So, trying not to be rude, Sips excused himself, and closed the front door behind him. "Okay. Bye bye!" Pinkie waved as Sips closed the door. He immediately found himself pressed against it again as he looked out, to see streets and buildings, and entire town! And it all was bustling with these ponies. He was terrified; this was the worst thing he could think of happening!
"I have to find Simon again" Sips thought to himself, hoping to find sanity- or what passed for sanity in Simon's mind -in his friend. He found a trail of tiny horseshoe marks and Nike footprints in the loose dirt around the building, and he followed it.
********
Apple Bloom and Simon now came upon a large, gazebo-like building with pony mannequins adorning the roof and walls. "Well," Apple Bloom Proclaimed, "This is it! Rarity is Sweetie Belles sister, and this is her Dress Shop!"
"Interesting," Said Simon, knowing he would have to go inside, and really, really not wanting to. He didn't like dresses. Or women's clothes. Unless they were wearing them. "So, wait," Simon inquired, "Your sister is Applejack, Sweetie Belle's Sister is Rarity, so who is Scootaloo's sister?" He was curious about the back stories of the three little fillies, because Scootaloo seemed the most manly of the ponies he had met so far, so he would like to meet the older version of her.
"Oh, well, uh..." Apple bloom scratched the back of her head, "It's a long story. But we don't have time for it right now! Rarity really needs to see you." Apple Bloom changed the subject to avoid the tale of the Scoots.
"Why is that?" Simon asked.
"Don't ask. Just, let's go in." Apple Bloom pushed Simon through the soft dirt with her cranium, pushing him through the saloon-like doors of Carousel Boutique.
"Oh... dear." Rarity stuttered as Apple Bloom pushed the odd creature through her doors. She was staring at a mannequin deciding what colors would complement each other in the theme of summer when her friends sister pushed this, uh... thing, through her doors.
Sips was now catching up with Simon and Apple Bloom, and he found himself in many awkward encounters with many different ponies. He was looking down, following the tracks, when he unintentionally ran into a pony. His eyes were flooded with yellow, as he heard two little words squeak out:
Sjin was barreling through the skies of Equestria, on a crash course with lower Canterlot. He wasn't generating fire, though, for he had not been flying for too long. He looked to his right, and saw the fireball that was his employer impacting with a little town a few miles away. And then...
WHAM!
He lay on the stony ground, a few iron bars and stones littering the small room. There were two bunks on the wall, and he recognized the man inside. He had on a red shirt, with a silver emblem over the heart. "L-Lewis?" He asked.
"Sjin?" Lewis asked, as astonished as the mustachioed man on the ground of the prison cell.
"Yeah. What are you doing here?" Sjin asked.
"Ten years to life." Lewis replied, referring to his jail sentence.
Before Sjin could ask "Why are you in Prison?", he heard clanging coming from the staircase outside the cell gate.
"Something's down here!" Came a voice from the staircase. Two white royal guards came downstairs, and were shocked.
"Apprehend the criminal!" One shouted. Sjin was astonished by the talking horses, but he was interrupted.
"Sjin! Come on!" Lewis shouted as his comrade as he picked him up 'round the waist and jumped with him out of the massive hole he made on impact.
They freefell for a few second, until Sjin heard Lewis shout, "Sjin! Give me some rope!"
"Some what?" Sjin couldn't hear over the sound of the wind.
"ROPE!" Lewis shouted.
Sjin handed over a few hundred yards of rope he keeps on him at all times. Lewis twirled it in the air a few times, and threw it at a low-hanging part of a tower. It knotted on, and they arced around the tower, and found themselves in trajectory straight for a large building with floor-to-ceiling windows.
They crashed through the windows, and crashed onto the ground. They had survived, and now they were in what looked like a ballroom. And it looked like they disturbed a party. All the ponies in the room, of which there were quite a few, screamed in terror as they galloped to the exits. They were all out of the grand ballroom in a few minutes.
And the, Lewis saw her again. The white Princess Celestia. Who looked upon him and shouted, "Criminal!!" The two royal guards with her ran to apprehend the two but they got up and fled through the shattered window, with the guards close behind.
They hurtled over hedges and fences, but then they found that the guards could fly. They gained on them in a few minutes. Things looked bleak for Lewis and Sjin, but then they ran into the crowd that just ran from them. They were lost in the crowd of panicked civilians, and the guards lost them. They broke up the crowd, trying to find the criminals. But they were gone.
The two had found a 'man'hole in the street, and lifted it long enough to get underneath. Now they found themselves in the sewers, and Sjin and Lewis had some time to talk.
"Sjin, give me a stick." Lewis commanded
Sjin picked up a discarded stick and gave it to his comrade. Lewis twisted it in his shirt, and ripped of the sleeve. He then dunked it into the sewer waters, and struck it against the wall. It blazed alight, and a flame lit their way through the sewer tunnels. "So, Lewis?"
"Yes, Sjin?"
"What the hell is going on?"
"It's a long Story."
"It's not like we have places to be. We just broke out of prison."
********
"Apple Bloom, what is... this?" Rarity asked in disgust at the fat creature in front of her.
"He's a human!" Apple Bloom proclaimed, "And he's in need of some, uhhh... fashion."
Simon now realized that he still had his minecraft costume on. He had a harness on him, a horned helmet, and a few bright red hairs peeking up from his trousers.
"Well, whatever he is, where did you find him?"
"Me, Sweetie, and Scootaloo found him in Whitetail Woods while we were looking for our-"
"Sweetie Belle touched this... THING?" Rarity was terrified now.
"Well, yeah! He was very friendly."
"Who KNOWS what kind of germs this... thing brought with him from wherever he's from!"
Simon realized he was also covered in dirt, and he knew this was a very neurotic and perfectionistic pony. "I don't think that's necessary." Simon said, "I'm just here for some better clothes."
"Well, I've never worked with something of your, uhhh, 'Physique', but I can give it a try."
"Thanks Rarity." Apple Bloom said. She went upstairs then, looking for Sweetie Belle.
Simon stood up on what could only be described at a stage as Rarity measured him all over with a ruler. She eventually got to measuring his waistline, but got a little too close, and felt a lump in the dwarf's trousers.
She observed it closely, and Simon felt very, very awkward. "What is this?" Rarity asked.
"It's my magic horn." Simon replied, in that weird, creepy voice of his.
"So you can do magic, too?" Rarity asked.
"A certain type of magic, yes." Simon replied.
"Could I see it?" Rarity asked.
Now Simon was feeling horribly awkward, but replied, "I suppose."
Rarity's own horn glowed a light blue, and soon so did Simon's trousers. They soon came toppling down, to reveal his dwarf-like... thing... "This doesn't look like any horn I've ever seen. Much to limp and soggy." Rarity observed as she looked around it, and fiddled with it with her hooves.
"Give it a minute, and it should harden up." Simon said, and he was right. Soon the "horn" stiffened up and extended.
"Oh... my." Rarity was astonished, "What color does it glow?"
"Pink." Simon replied. He was just messing with her now.
"Can you show me?" Rarity asked. She still believed this was Simon's "Magic Horn".
"If you insist, but it needs some saliva to work." Simon tricked the pony.
"Oh, I can do that." Rarity said, as she stuffed the erect thing into her mouth.
Sips was met with a yellow Pegasus with a pink mane. She had a disgruntled looking rabbit on her back. She was hiding behind her mane.
"H-hello." Sips said awkwardly to yet another pony he ran into in the street. But this one was different. He seemed to want to meet this pony, but he didn't know quite why. Regardless, he said, "I'm Sips. Who are you?"
"I'm... I'm Fluttershy." The shy pony said.
"I'm sorry?" Said Sips, gesturing his ear towards her.
"F-fluttershy" she said again.
"One more time?" Sips asked again.
"Fluttershy" Which came out as little more than an inaudible squeak.
"O-okay." Sips said again, "Then, I guess I should get going.
"O-okay. If you're reading this, your computer has amazing high definition." She squeaked again.
Sips left her and continued following the footprints. He eventually came upon the same building Simon and Apple Bloom came upon: Carousel Boutique. He opened the door, hoping to find Simon. And he did, with his Dwarf penis stuck in the mouth of the white pony.
Sips was speechless, but still managed to wheeze out, "Simon?"
Simon looked away from his junk to see sips, wide-eyed. Rarity did the same, but she was unsure why he was so surprised. "H-hey Sips." Simon said.
Rarity asked, "What's wrong, mister, uhhh, Sips?" Still holding up Simon's erect penis with her hoof.
Sips was still astonished, and said, "Maybe I should come back at a better time."
Rarity said, still holding what she believed to be Simon's Magic horn, "It's okay. You can sit down. I'll be with you in a moment."
Sips did as she asked, still shocked by the awkwardness of what was going on, and took a seat.
Rarity told Simon, "Well, I'd like to see what magic you have, but mister Sips will be needing me soon, so I'll need to get back to measuring you." She levitated his trousers back up, and continue measuring. Eventually, she used he magic to pull several lengths of fabric from various drawers, and began snipping and sewing them into a suit. In minutes, a finished Tux levitated before Simon.
He put in on in the changing room, and now he looked very dapper. Rarity gave him a top hat, and said, "Now you look much better. I just hope you can still cast magic through those pants."
"Oh, don't worry. I'm sure I can." Simon said, as he went upstairs looking for Apple Bloom.
"So, know, Mister Sips, what'll you be having today?"
"I think I'd like what he was having." Sips said.
"A tux?" Rarity asked.
"Sure." Said Sips, knowing she didn't catch his drift.
"Oh, Apple Bloom," Simon asked coming upstairs. He saw her, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo with their red capes on.
They all looked at him, and said, simultaneously, "Woooaaahhhh."
"You look great!" Said Apple Bloom.
"You look amazing!" Said Scootaloo.
"You look Dapper-iffic!" Squeaked Sweetie Belle.
"Thanks, pals." Simon said, "So, who's next to meet?" He asked.
"Well," Apple Bloom thought, "There's Still Fluttershy, Twilight Sparkle, and Rainbow Dash."
Simon thought it over, and said, "Howsabout Rainbow Dash!"
"Good choice!" Scootaloo said, "She's awesome!"
"Perfect" Simon said, "I'm ready for a bit of awesomeness."
"Right this way!" Scootaloo said as she pulled her scooter out again. And they were off.
********
"So that's the story." Lewis told his partner as they walked aimlessly through the Canterlot sewers. He told him everything, from Operation Matrix, to Sriviramen's deceit, and his murder trial.
"Wow." Sjin said, "It sounds to me like you're the bad guy."
"No. Of course not." Lewis gingerly replied.
"If you insist," Sjin said, not wanting to delve deeper, "So what now?"
"I don't know." said Lewis. "I think we should find Simon and Sips, I assume he came with you, and find a way out of this Dimension."
"Good plan, but where to look?"
"I don't know." Lewis said again, "But I think our first priority is to get out of these bloody tunnels."
"Good plan." Sjin said again.
********
Simon was once again running to keep up with the CMC on their what seemed to be jet-powered scooter. But then they stopped, and Scootaloo pointed up into the sky. Simon caught up and looked up to where she was pointing, to see a rainbow zip across the sky in every which way, obliterating the clouds in it's path.
The blur stopped, and now Simon could see a cyan figure in the clouds. She slowly hovered down, and now he saw her face. And he had to admit, for a pony, she was hot.
"Yeah, Squirt?" Rainbow asked.
"This is Simon," Scootaloo pointed to the dwarf, now dapper.
Simon waved and winked slyly at her. Rainbow raised an eyebrow, and said, "What's he?"
"A human!" Sweetie Belle said.
Rainbow raised her eyebrow higher, and said, "Well, hey."
"Hey." Simon said, putting on a fake hunk voice. "wanna see my magic horn?" he asked, knowing it would work like it did on Rarity.
"Pass," Rainbow said, "I've got clouds to kick. See you 'round, Simon!" she said as she dashed off, going back to destroying clouds with her speed and strength.
"Now where?" Simon asked.
"Let's go see Twilight!" Sweetie Suggested.
"Okay!" Scootaloo confirmed. "Let's be off!"
"Wait. Can I ride the scooter?" Simon asked.
"You can try," Scootaloo said, "But be sure to hold on tight!"
"Okay, guys," Said the head of the minecraft operation. He was with his posse of builders as he lectured them on their next project, "Once we're done with the forest continent, I think we should make a desert-y oil mining town right about here." He hit the sand on the ground. He immediately found an Iron block. "What the-" the man asked.
He broke the block, and fell into the halls of YogLabs. "Hello there, mister." Doctor Sriviramen said from around the corner. "Who might you be?"
"My name's J-" he said, before he was cut off.
"It doesn't matter, just follow me."
"Okay, uhh, sir." the mystery man said.
Sriviramen led the man through the halls of YogLabs, and dropped him off at the door labeled Interdimensional portal. "right in here. It'll tell you everything you need to know."
"O-okay?" He said, as he entered the door, and was sucked into the portal.
********
Twilight Sparkle was in her library, sorting books when Scootaloo, Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Simon arrived. They barged through the door, scattering themselves across the library, and destroying Twilight's perfect order. Again. But she wasn't concerned about that.
She was observing the human. She said, "Girls?"
"Yeah, Twi?" Apple Bloom asked.
"What is this?"
"It's a human! His name is Simon."
"A human?!" Twilight asked.
"Yeah! He's really friendly."
"Hey." Simon said, getting up from the pile of books.
"I've ALWAYS wanted to meet a human! My friend Lyra is always going on about you all, and I've never believed her."
"No, we're real." Simon confirmed.
"Hm. Mind answering a few of my questions?" Twilight hopefully asked.
"Sure." Simon said.
********
After hours of aimlessly walking, Lewis and Sjin found themselves a grate, leading to the outside world. It looked away from the mountain, and had a waterfall of sewer water into a pool of waste at the base of the mountain. "Well, we found our way out." Said Lewis.
"But how do we get through it?"
"I have an idea." Lewis said. "But I'll need some more rope, and a big, thin, rock."
Sjin gave him some more rope, and a stone perfect for skipping.
Lewis tied the rope to the rock, then to the grate, and he then slipped it between the bars, and dropped the rock. The rope quickly became tout, and pulled the grate right out of it's socket.
"Good job." Sjin complimented.
"Thanks." Lewis said, "Now let's go." He then slid down the edge of the mountain, and landed in the sewer waste pond. Sjin followed. They were out of prison, and now in the countryside.
"I saw Sips land in that town a few miles away." Sjin said.
"Then let's go that way!" Lewis said.
********
"So," Twilight asked, "Where do you humans come from?"
"Earth."
"What do you eat?"
"It all depends on what your preferences are. Some people like meat, some like veggies, some like everything. I like Jaffa cakes."
"Jaffa what?"
suddenly Simon remembered: The Jaffa Cake. The one he and Pinkie had been cooking. That was hours ago! It must be done by now. "I'm sorry, I have to leave." Simon excused himself and ran from the library back to Sugar Cube Corner.
He burst through the candy house doors, and saw Pinkie there, standing motionless behind the counter. "Oh, hey Simey!" she greeted.
"Hey, Pinkie. How's the Jaffa cooking?" Simon replied.
"It should be done here in a few sec-"
BRIIIIIIIIIIIIING!
"That's it!" Pinkie exclaimed. She opened up the oven, and pulled out a baking tray. On it lay a single cookie, the top end smothered in chocolate, and the inside filled with Orange Stuff. A Jaffa Cake.
"It looks amazing." Simon said. He walked up to it, and put the single cookie into his mouth. He crunched it, and it tasted even better than the real one. Shame it took 12 hours to cook one. "Is there any way to cook them faster, Pinkie?"
"Well, there's always one way." Pinkie said, putting a wielding mask over he face, and pulling a Flamethrower from behind the counter. It spat flames across the shop.
"Let's get cooking!" Simon exclaimed as he got the ingredients together.
********
Yet another ball of fire erupted from the skies over Equestria. This one contained the mystery man, who now was on a crash course with Ponyville.
He collided with the town hall gazebo, going in one end, and coming out the other, crashing into a grey pony with blonde hair. He lay on the ground looking up at her. He saw her eyes, once off, but now perfectly symmetric. She looked around and smiled. She was normal again.
Then the man realized he lost his glasses. Then they flew through the air, colliding with the pony, as well. She got up again, and frowned, as her eyes now looked in two opposite directions again. She hovered, and flew away.
The man got up, grabbed his glasses, and put them on. He looked around, and said, "Oh, hell. I'm in My Little Pony Land." He said.
"Look!" Said a high-pitched southern voice, "Another human!"
Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo now all stopped at this man. He looked up at them, and said, "Who are you?"
Simon and pinkie were preparing more Jaffa Cakes. Simon had covered the pan in wheat, the put some orange stuff in dots all over the wheat, then put solid chocolate over the top. The Pinkie torched it with her flamethrower. Within seconds, the building was on fire.
Pinkie didn't seem to care as she continued burning the Jaffas, but Simon was on quenching duty, filling buckets and dousing the fires of Sugar Cube Corner. It was a tough process, but necessary for Jaffa Cakes. After about half an hour, the wall was charred, and the Jaffas were done.
Simon and Pinkie pigged out on the delicious cakes. "That was a good idea, Pinkie." Simon complimented.
"Thanks, Simey!" Pinkie replied.
"Hey, can I borrow that Flamethrower?"
"I don't see why not!" Pinkie said, "But you'll need a way to carry it. Here," Pinkie pulled out a tiny chest, about the size of a computer mouse, "This is a Pocket Universe. It'll fit whatever you put into it Look!" Pinkie opened the Pocket Universe, and dropped the flamethrower on top of it. It was compressed, and absorbed. "It's what I use to store whatever stuff I need. I also have stashes of different things all over Equestria, for various emergencies."
"Thanks, Pinkie." Simon took the Pocket Universe, "Do you have anything else helpful?"
"Well," Pinkie said, "This is my 4th Wall Hammer," she said, pulling a giant sledgehammer out of one of her own Pocket Universes, "I use this to break the 4th wall. You can use it if you want. I don't have any immediate need to use it in the foreseeable future."
"Thanks, I guess." Simon said. He took the hammer, and asked, "How do I use it?"
Pinkie explained, "Well, you have to look straight at one specific direction. Then, swing the hammer downwards, and you'll break the bindings of the fourth wall, seeing everyone who's reading this chapter."
"Chapter?" Simon asked.
"Just use it." Pinkie said.
Simon stared at a wall, then swung the hammer down. This is what he saw:
"Oh, Shit." Simon said, "What is this?"
"Simon," Pinkie said, "I'm gonna blow your mind. We're in chapter 9 of Prisoner 24601's My Little Pony Fanfiction called YogLabs: Dimensional portal."
"So, some dude's writing what we're saying right now?"
"Yep!"
Simon's mind was blown. "Well," He said, "All that aside, what else do you have."
"Well," Pinkie said, "There is one thing."
"What's that?" Simon asked, putting the 4th wall hammer into his Pocket Universe.
Pinkie gave him a rolled up map, and said, "This is my map of many wonders. It lets me teleport anywhere I deem fit. It also tells me where my friends are at all times. It's useful, but I don't think you'll need it... yet."
"Come on, we're friends, you can trust me." Simon begged.
"Sorry, Simey. We're friends, but this is very important to me. My Granny Pie bought it from a travelling salespony when she was young. She gave it to me for my birthday, before I moved to Ponyville."
"Okay, Pinkie." Simon said, "I understand. Anything else?"
"Nope!" Pinkie happily replied, "That's it!"
"Well, then, I think this is going to be helpful to me." Simon said.
Suddenly, the Cutie Mark Crusaders burst through the door, Apple Bloom said, "Simon, Simon!"
"Yes, Apple Bloom?"
"We need your help with our Cutie Marks."
"What Marks?"
"Cutie Marks," Said Scootaloo, "They are on the flank of everypony. It's their special talent. We haven't found ours yet."
"Oh. I thought those were all tattoos." Simon said.
"Nope!" Sweetie Belle said, "Everypony keeps telling us 'these things come with time', but we're sure we can get them sooner if we try."
"Well, of course!" Simon said, "Patience is for sissies! What are you planning on doing?"
"Well, uhhh." Apple Bloom said, "We're gonna be the-"
They all simultaneously said, "CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS DATING SHOW HOSTS!"
"Well, ummm." Simon said, "What do you need me for?"
"You're our Mystery Date man!" Apple Bloom said, "Ponies will come from all around to get a date with a mystery pony..."
"...Or Human." Scootaloo said.
"well, Uh," Simon said, "Who would be taking part in this Dating Show?"
"Everypony!" Sweetie Belle asked, "From geniuses like Twilight Sparkle to simpletons like Derpy Hooves!"
"Sounds good to me, "Said Simon, "Shall we get started?"
********
Lewis and Sjin were now slowly trudging towards Ponyville. They arrived at dusk, and got inside the gates. Lewis told Sjin, "We need to find some sort of Broadcasting device, and get in contact with Doctor Sriviramen."
"Really?" Sjin asked, "Isn't he the bad guy? He threw me and Sips here in the first place."
"He can supply us with weapons for Operation Matrix." Lewis Explained, "I lost my Desert Eagle in the prison."
"Fine. Any ideas?" Sjin asked.
"Well," Lewis said, "Sips' spacesuit has a comm device built into it. I know because I built it. If we can get it from him, we can contact the doctor, and get weapons."
"I can find Sips. I know where he'll go."
"You lead the way."
The next morning, Sjin and Lewis went to the local Toaster Store in Ponyville. "Are you sure he'll be here?" Lewis asked.
"Positive." Sjin replied.
They entered the Toaster Shack, and found Sips arguing with the clerk behind the counter.
"Listen, sir," the Clerk said, "We just need to know why you need the toaster."
"That's my own Damn business!" Sips yelled at him, "I just need a toaster. I've been looking for one for days, now! I just want a fucking toaster!"
Lewis came behind him, turned him around and forced him onto the counter. "Sips!" He said.
The Clerk ran off, scared, and Sips said, "Lewis? What are you doing here?"
"We need your Comm device!" Lewis demanded.
"well, there's no way you're getting it from me."
"Really?" Lewis said, "No way?"
"No way." Sips said.
Lewis hit the side of Sips' head with his fist, sending him down the counter. "No way?"
Sips got up, and got into a fistfight with Lewis. Haymakers, Uppercuts, and Hooks were flying everywhere. But eventually, Lewis delivered a knockout punch to Sips, and he sprawled across the floor.
The Clerk got back, and said, "Hey! There's no fighting in here! That's what the watering hole is for!"
Lewis gestured to the clerk, and he ran off in panic. He then leaned down, and pressed a button on Sip's sleeve. There was a crackle, and he said, "Sriviramen, do you come in?"
"Xephos?" Sriviramen said, "Is that you?"
"Yes, doctor. I've escaped Prison, and we need weapons. Send some down."
"Alright Xephos. Anything for Operation Matrix."
"Good." Lewis said. Dropping Sips' arm and taking Sjin back outside.
"COME ONE, COME ALL!" Sweetie yelled through a megaphone outside Town Hall, "TO THE CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS DATING SHOW! WIN A DATE WITH A HANDSOME PONY!"
Ponies were flooding into the Town Hall, and saw the stage set up. There were three seats on the stage, three more seats for the three fillies, and a barrier blocking them to the one other seat. The one seat was covered by a curtain, so ponies couldn't see Simon sitting there.
Finally, the house quieted down, and there was a hat, with the names of everypony in the Town Hall written on ballads. The CMC gathered on the stage, and Scootaloo said, "HEY EVERYPONY! Welcome to the Cutie Mark Crusaders Dating Show!"
The crowd cheered.
"We're gonna draw the names of three ponies from this hat!" Apple Bloom said, "And they're gonna have a chance to date a handsome pony!"
"They will talk about themselves," Sweetie Explained, "And the pony behind this curtain will choose the one he would like to date!"
"Now," Scootaloo said, "To avoid Bias, the subject will not be able to hear the names being called!"
"So," Apple Bloom continued, "We'll hold the ballad up for everypony to see!"
"Without further ado!" Sweetie Belle said, "Let's get started!"
Scootaloo pulled the first ballad from the hat, and held it up for everypony to see. It read:
Cheerilee
Cheerilee went up on stage and sat down on a stool.
Apple Bloom pulled the second ballad out, which read:
Rainbow Dash
Rainbow Dash reluctantly hovered over to her stool.
Finally, Sweetie Belle drew the third and final Ballad:
Bon Bon
Bon Bon came up, and took her seat.
Now, all three stools were taken by Cheerilee, Bon Bon, and Rainbow Dash, and the Cutie Mark Crusaders took their seats. They revealed Simon now, and the crowd gasped. The contestants wondered if this was good or bad.
"Contestant one!" Scootaloo asked, "Tell the pony behind the barrier about yourself!"
Cheerilee began explaining herself, "I'm a teacher at the public school, I'm patient, used to being around foals, I usually tend my garden on the weekends, and-
BBBBBBRRRRRRRR
Simon pressed the buzzer meaning he rejected Cheerilee.
"Contestant 3!" Sweetie said, "Why don't you tell the pony about yourself!"
Bon Bon said, "Well, I live in downtown Ponyville, I like to visit the park, and I have Chronic Vocal Metamorphic Syndrome."
BBBBBBRRRRRRRR
"Contestant 2?" Apple Bloom said, "You're our last hope for this 'pony'."
Rainbow Dash reluctantly said, "Well, I don't like dating shows, I don't like dating, and I don't overly like romance. So, 'pony', if you want me, you're gonna have to put up with someone who you know is more awesome than you."
There was no buzz.
"Well, then," Scootaloo said, "I guess you win a date with this pony!" Scootaloo gestured to The barrier, and it lifted, showing Simon Lane.
Simon waved at Rainbow as her jaw dropped.
Sweetie Belle said, "You two will have a good date at Ponyville's posh restaurant, and it's only one."
********
Simon and the CMC were back at their treehouse, where they had graciously allowed him to stay until further notice.
"Well, good job, Simon!" Scootaloo said, "You got a date with the most awesome pony in Equestria!"
"I know!" Simon said, "I'm excited. But I don't know if she'll be too excited."
"Are you trying to make an impression on her?" asked Apple Bloom.
"Well, yeah!" Simon said, "Rainbow Dash is hot!"
"Hot?" Sweetie Belle asked, "Is that some sort of human slang?"
"Yeah." Simon confirmed, "It means good-looking."
"Well..." Apple Bloom thought, "We do have one way to make a good impression."
"What's that?"
"We have some Love potion left over from our plan to get Cheerilee together with my brother." Apple Bloom said.
"Love potion, eh?" Simon said, "That would be helpful, yes."
Sweetie Belle pulled the vial out of the drawer. She gave it to Simon, who put it in his Pocket Universe.
Scootaloo explained, "Just put a few drops in her drink, and she should fall for you like that" she said, inexplicably snapping with hooves.
"Perfect." Simon said, "I'm ready for a bit of love." Simon said, slyly winking in the direction of the CMC
"Suuuree, Simon." Apple Bloom said.
********
Lewis and Sjin now left the incapacitated Sips and waited for the drop just outside Ponyville. And it wasn't long before two fiery canisters hit the ground. Inside one was another Desert Eagle for Lewis, and the one for Sjin was an assault rifle. They picked them up, and Sjin noticed a necklace in his canister. He noticed Lewis was wearing one just like it, so he put it on.
He immediately fell victim to Doctor Sriviramen's mind control, and Operation Matrix became his mission as well. "What now?" Sjin asked.
"Infinite mayhem." Lewis said, "It's time to get Operation Matrix underway."
"How do we begin?" Sjin asked.
Lewis pointed to the mountain town far above; Canterlot.
"How do we get there?" He asked again.
Lewis now pointed at the railroad coming from it. Sjin traced it back to the train station, where the train was at the station. "I think I smell a train robbery coming on."
"Smart lad." Lewis said.
********
The Canterlot Express was in the station, preparing to leave. Just as the engine started up, and it left the station, Lewis and Sjin barged through the door. When the train was underway, it was hard to stop. Luckily, the conductor would be able to stop it if he was quick.
He was quick... but not quick enough. He was embedded with a bullet from Lewis' pistol. The crowd burst into shrieks and cries as Lewis took control. Sjin was in charge of keeping the crowd in check. And the train was off to Canterlot. Next stop: The Throne Room.
Simon put on his dapper suit for his date at Ponyville's nameless restaurant. He sat down at their reserved table (Paid for by Apple Bloom with Apple Family fund.), and waited for his date. He had stopped by Twilight's library, and got a spell cast on him to walk on clouds, in case the date lead back to Rainbow's place, and now he was ready. The waiter brought them both cups of cider, and Simon took this chance to pull the vial from his pocket universe, and put a few drops in Rainbow's glass.
He then put it back, and at that moment, Rainbow Dash came into the building. She looked normal, bored out of her mind with the concept of dating. She once was coerced into the dating scene by Rarity. She didn't like it. She sat down with Simon.
Simon began the conversation with a friendly, "How was your day, dear."
"Don't call me that." Rainbow said, "We're here for one. date. If it goes from there, so be it. But for now, it's One. Date."
"Oookay." Simon awkwardly said, "So how was your day?"
"I guess it was fine." She said, "I sat around the house and spent a few hours just being awesome. What else are you to do on a Saturday?"
"Well," Simon said, "You could play WoW, LoL, Minecraft, you could listen to S-Club 7, watch Brian Blessed and Warwick Davis movies, eat some Jaffa Cakes, or just write lonely fanfiction online."
Rainbow looked at him with a raised eyebrow, with a look that said Are you crazy?. He could tell she didn't have any idea what he was talking about, and he remembered those were all null and void in this world.
"Whatever you say, dude." Rainbow said, taking a drink from her Cider Glass with the love potion in it.
Simon saw her eyes fix on him, and could almost feel the love radiating off of her. He smiled, knowing his plan had worked.
"You know, Simon," Rainbow said in a seductive voice, "I don't know if you're a stud in your world, but here," She looked him up and down, "You are."
"Thanks." Simon said, winking at the pony across from him, "You aren't too bad looking yourself, babe."
Rainbow bit her lip as she said, "Thanks, babe."
"So," said Simon, "What's the plan for this evening?"
"Why don't we go back to my place?" Rainbow sensually asked.
"I like that idea." Simon said.
Rainbow took off, and said, "I'll be waiting" and winked.
Simon found the Hot Air Balloon, and floated up to her house.
He exited, and entered Rainbow's house.
He woke the next morning. He was more comfortable than he had ever been, and he was in a bed. He looked to the foot of the bed, and found the whole thing was made of clouds. He couldn't remember anything from last night. He was wearing nothing but his underpants, and found Rainbow Dash laying on the pillow next to him.
He grinned slightly, remembering the events of last night.
Forgetting his pride in himself, Simon figured he should get out of there quick, as the love potion wouldn't last forever, and Rainbow would likely be rather cross, so he got out of the comfortable bed, and looked around. Every piece of furniture was covered with his clothes. His shirt, trousers, socks, suit, and shoes were scattered on the sofa, lamps, everything!
He gathered them up as quickly as possible, as Rainbow was beginning to stir. He had hastily put everything on when he went outside, and found his only mode of transportation was gone! He scanned the ground, and found the Hot Air Balloon deflated, over 200 feet below him. He couldn't jump, so he scanned the perimeter of the house, hoping to find a safe landing place. over the North ledge, he found a river, but he had no other option.
"I hope this world is like Minecraft." Simon told himself, right before he jumped.
Simon went into a diving position, and finally broke the surface of the water. He was alive, that much he was sure of. But just barely. His eyes closed, and everything went black.
********
"Are you alright, sir?" The Clerk asked to the now capacitating Sips.
"Yeah." Sips replied, "Just a little beat up. I'm fine" he got up, and gathered his wits. He had been betrayed by his own lackey, and his friend. How could this have happened?
"So," Sips said, "Right before I leave, can I have a toaster?"
"Fine. Fifty Bits."
"Bits?" Sips asked.
"Yes. Bits."
"What's the exchange rate to Dollars?"
"Dollars?"
Sips pulled out fifty Canadian dollars, and showed them to the clerk.
"I've never seen that money before, sir." The Clerk said, "I'm sorry, but I can't give you any merchandise for this."
"Oh... my... God." Sips was so angry that he just walked out. he knew where he could go to get a Toaster for sure.
He arrived a few minutes later at Sugar Cube Corner. As he walked in the door, he was stood behind a line of at least 15 ponies, all lined up at the counter. The Cakes were bustling about, and Pinkie was zipping here and there, gathering instruments and ingredients, and combined them into magnificent muffins and cupcakes.
Sips watched her hand a particularly beautiful muffin to a grey Pegasus mare, who trotted out the side door. This is the way it went for another few minutes as everypony was served. Then came sips' turn. He came up to Pinkie, who gave him an enthusiastic, "Hey, there, Sipsy!"
"Hey, Pinkie!" Sips replied, "Listen, I need a toaster. It's all I've wanted since before I got here. I've been to hell and back, and still I'm empty-handed. Can you help?"
"Well, of course!" Pinkie said, "Anything for a friend!"
Sips oddly felt his heart rise with the words, as Pinkie rummaged through her little chest of many, many things.
"Let's see here," She mumbled, "Hairdryer... Guava... Episode 3... Frostmourne... Raven Lord... Diamond... Toilet Seat... aha!" She exclaimed, "Here it is: a Toaster!" She handed the big silver box to Sips, who's smile was as wide as it could physically be. He hugged the appliance, and left.
"Thank you very much, Pinkie Pie." Sips said, "Very much."
"No Problemo!" Pinkie waved, "Bye!"
"Bye!" Sips said, and turned just in time to run smack into the only other human still around: Jesse.
Simon awoke again, several hours later, coughing up water. He was in a hospital bed, surrounded by his nine pony friends, Sips, and Jesse. They all got looks of happiness on their faces when Simon's eyes opened.
"Oh goodness," Fluttershy softly said, "We thought something horrible had happened."
It was now that Simon noticed the vague lines running from Fluttershy's eyes. She had been crying. Over him? Was he this valued in this world?
"We sure are glad it hadn't, though!" Apple Bloom said, as she leaped from the ground onto the bed with him, "We're glad to have you back, Simon."
"What happened?" Simon asked.
"Twilight here found you in Ponyville River," Applejack explained, "She got you out, Fluttershy and Rarity tended your wounds, Rainbow and I got you back, and Pinkie offered you moral support. Even though we told her you couldn't hear her."
Simon could now remember his vivid dreams, nothing but black, but Pinkie Pie standing there, probably only ten yards away, looking at him and talking. He could remember every sentence:
"Don't worry Simey, you'll be okay."
"Come on, Simon! You can pull through!"
"Please, Simon. Do it for us!"
He could hear sniffs and sobs, and that was it.
"I think it got through." Simon said, "Thank you, Pinkie."
Pinkie, usually excited and hyper, was now calm and slow as she came to Simon's side, and said, "Your welcome, Simey." She rubbed her massive fluffy pink hair against his shoulder in compassion, and stood again.
Simon said, "Thank you all. I don't think I couldnt've made it out alive on my own."
"You're very welcome, Simon." Said Twilight.
Simon noticed that Rainbow Dash had been suspiciously quiet, especially considering last night. "Rainbow Dash?" Simon asked.
Rainbow looked up, and he noticed tear trails on her face as well. It was odd; Rainbow wasn't the most emotional pony in Ponyville. She looked at him, and her look said enough. She actually felt for him, and was worried when he was in danger. It must have been how we had gotten to the hospital before dying; Rainbow flew so fast.
"Thank you." Simon said, "For everything."
Rainbow smirked a bit, but her sadness remained, "You're welcome, Simon." She said, " We'd do anything."
"But, I have one question." Simon asked.
"What's that, dear?" Rarity asked.
"Why? Why go through all this for me?"
"Because you're a friend!" Jesse said to his British body double, "We'd do anything for you, Simon."
"Yeah!" Squeaked Sweetie Belle from somewhere behind the foot of the bed.
"I don't know why you're confused, Simon." Twilight said, "You haven't done anything wrong. Why are you surprised by this?
"It's just..." Simon said, "My dreams... I brought something here that should never have been. A great evil."
"I know what you mean, Simon." Sips said, "Sjin and Lewis."
"Yes." Simon gravely affirmed, "Something's wrong. They're in Canterlot."
"Canterlot?!" Twilight warily asked, "That's where Spike is... And Princess Celestia!!"
"Oh, my!" AJ said, "We need to get there."
Simon tried to sit up in his bed, but immediately felt a sharp pain in his back as he stretched it. He howled in pain, which got everyone's attention.
"Hold on, Simon!" Fluttershy said, suddenly aware of the creature's pain, "You're spine is bruised badly. You can't move your back too much."
"Then how will we get to Canterlot?"
"We'll find a way, Simey." Pinkie said, "But our friends come first."
"Thanks Pinkie. But I have an Idea how we can get there." Simon said, "You remember that map?"
Pinkie's eyes lightened up, as she pulled it from her Pocket Universe. She layed the map out on the bed, and all 12 people in the room looked at it. There were horseshoeprints everywhere, with names above them. Most of the people were in the hospital, but the hooves of Princess Celestia and Luna were in Canterlot.
"How do we get there?" Simon asked.
"Just do what I do, Pal." Pinkie smiled at him, and she pushed her hoof into the name 'Princess Luna', and she was sucked into the map. Everypony and human did the same, and soon they were all before the throne room.
But there was a problem: Sjin. He stood there, his AK-47 pointed at the group, Princess Luna unconscious on the ground. "Well, Hello, Simon. Sips."
"Now, Sjin." Sips said, standing in front of the group and trying to negotiate with his old friend, "You don't have to do this."
"Oh, Sips, but I do." Sjin said, "You don't understand, friend. It's my destiny; my purpose in life."
"No, it isn't," Sips argued, "You're destiny is to be my second-in-command for another fifteen years, marry an alcoholic, have 12 children, and have to work quadruple shifts to pay and feed all of them, and you'll literally work yourself to death. That's your destiny, not murder and mayhem."
"You've never been my boss." Sjin said, "You've been my dictator. You've tortured me with years of mindless dirt sorting, years of bricks to the head, and countless hours of overtime. You deserve to die." He aimed the assault rifle at him.
"Sjin!" Jesse said, "I don't know who you are, but I know there's something underneath this murderous shell. a nice guy. You don't have to be a pawn, you can be one of us!"
Sjin now pointed the AK at Jesse, "Listen, mister, I don't know who you are, or what you do, but this is what I'm here for, and I'll die for this cause."
Sips took this chance to charge him while his guard was down; but Sjin was quick on his feet, and quickly fired a string of bullets at him. Sips, bloodied, flew backward and slid on the ground, and lay still.
Jesse wrestled Sjin to the ground, trying to get the gun from him. Jesse shoved his palm into Sjin's chin, keeping his view off, and twisted his arm to release the assault rifle. He threw it across the room, and began a fistfight.
Simon now crawled over to Sips, his back torturing him. "Sips?" Simon wearily asked.
"Simon?" Sips said, his life already leaving with every breath, "Am I going to make it?"
"Yes, Sips. Yes you are." Simon felt a tear welling up on his eye, as he knew he would never see his friend on his feet or making videos again.
Meanwhile, The ponies were joining in the fight with Sjin. It was bloody. With hooves, fists, feet, heads, everything bashing into him, eventually his necklace broke, and he awoke.
"No, stop, STOP!!" He shouted. Everypony backed off, and Jesse looked him in the eye.
"Are you one of us?" he asked.
"Y-yes. I don't know what's gotten into me... Oh my, SIPS!!" He ran to his employer's side, and started begging with him, as Jesse picked up the AK, "Please, Sips, I-I don't know what was happening. It wasn't me, I swear, I-" A fist collided with Sjin's face, and he went flying.
"You shot me, you bastard!" Sips wheezed.
"I-it wasn't me, I swear!" Sjin was pleading for forgiveness, but Sips couldn't take it.
He let out a few grunts, grabbed the collar of Sjin's shirt, and said, "It's... it's okay, Sjin. I... forgive you... Now... Let me sleep in peace... Don't wake me up... Ever..." And with one last sigh, Sips' arm fell from SJin, and went limp on the floor. Simon felt his neck; no pulse. Sips was dead.
At this moment, the doors into the inner throne room opened, and Simon saw him: Lewis. He was holding Princess Celestia in a headlock, pushing his Desert Eagle into her temple. "oh, Boo Hoo." Lewis mocked.
Simon, forgetting his pain and acting in anger and vengeance for his friend, stood and walked toward the door. Jesse held the ponies back as Simon passed, and Sjin cried over the body of his comrade. Too much death had befallen him today. "Lewis." He said to his dearest friend, "Why?"
"Don't you understand, Simon?" Lewis Explained, "These ponies are nothing. We are so much higher than them! Why do they rule, and not us? We deserve to be in charge."
"No, Lewis, you don't understand." Simon protested, "These ponies are our friends, our family. They accept us, why can we not do the same? Now, Let the Princess go, and-"
"Never!" Lewis shouted, "This is my chance; my time. My destiny."
"No, Lewis! You had your chance when you had the decision to kill all those ponies. You didn't take it! You don't deserve to rule."
"No, but maybe we do. Join me, Simon, and you, I, and the princesses can rule Equestria in Harmony. Or you can stay with your band of underdogs, and she dies!" Lewis shoved the barrel of his pistol into Celestia's temple, "Can't you hear the crier, now, Simon? Listen to the anthems we sing. Can you hear the slaughterhouse bells? In the land of the pigs, the butcher is king."
"No, Lewis. There has been too much death today. I cannot serve a traitor, but I cannot hurt a friend."
"Shame. I have no problem hurting you." Lewis pulled the Desert Eagle from Celestia's temple, aimed it at Simon, and fired three shots right through his chest.
All the ponies watching were horrified as Simon's blood stained the floor of the throne room. The wounded Brit fell to his knees, and slowly turned his head to his friends. A smile crossed his face as he fell forward, now laying still across the ground. Lewis laughed maniacally.
"Now, who's next?" He asked.
"You'll pay for this." Jesse said, aiming his AK-47, "All of this." He aimed as well, and unloaded his entire clip at Lewis. He threw the Princess to the side as bullet after bullet tore through his shirt, his skin, his bones, and out the other end. Himself bloodied, Lewis fell backwards, no doubt cold and lifeless. His necklace was shattered in the bloodbath.
Jesse approached the fallen traitor, and viewed his work. Meanwhile, all the ponies went to Simon.
Pinkie, Rainbow, and Apple Bloom in particular were distraught.
Apple Bloom sobbed as she said, "Poor Simon. He was my best friend."
Rainbow was also crying, "He was obnoxious, annoying, and brainless, but he was a friend. It's horrible."
Pinkie was crying, but she decided not to say anything. Then she remembered, as her smile exploded from her face. She quickly reached for her Pocket Universe, and fished around in it for the object she wanted. She found it: a brown wafer, about the size of a biscuit, and covered in chocolate.
She held it above Simon's nose, and his nostrils flared as he smelled the delicious treat. His eyes popped open, and he came face-to-face with the legendary Jaffa Cake. Pinkie dropped it in his hand, and he scoffed down the Cake.
The ponies sqee'd and squealed in delight, as their friend had returned from the grave. But the same could not be said about Simon, who grimly walked to the body of his friend. He looked down, and a solitary tear rolled off his nose, and onto the red shirt of his comrade.
Celestia came beside him, and said, "I understand, Simon. He was a friend. And friendship drives Equestria. Don't worry. He will be honored."
********
It was the day. Simon had put his suit over his bandages, and metal spine support (The only way he could still walk without further damage), and went with his friends to Canterlot Castle, where two oak cases lay on either side of them. In one, Sips. In the other, Lewis.
Everypony was grim and depressed as the ceremony began, with a speech by Celestia, which moved into Simon, and Jesse, but ended with Luna. Then, they looked upon the dead once more before the ceremony was dismissed, and everypony went home. Except Simon and Jesse.
They stood over Lewis' casket. He lay, his shirt patched, and his hands crossed over it. His eyes were closed, as if only sleeping, and his hair was combed and cut. He looked so peaceful.
Celestia interrupted the mourning, coming up behind Simon, and saying, "My sincerest condolences for your friend, Simon."
"Thank you, Princess." Simon replied.
"Incidentally," Celestia continued, "You might want to follow me to my chambers."
"I'm sorry?" Simon asked.
"You too, Mister Cox. There is something I think you'd be interested in." Princess Celestia left them, assuming them to follow. They did, but not before Simon gave Lewis one last pinch. It was the first of the month, after all.
Simon and Jesse now sat in Celestia's chambers. She said, "It is a shame what happened to your friends, but I believe I can help with the mourning."
"What do you mean?" Simon asked.
"Are you familiar with The Golden Horseshoe?" The Princess asked.
"No."
"It is an artifact of Equestrian mythology. It hold immeasurable power. Enough to destroy an army, or give it life."
"Life?" Jesse asked.
"Yes. It is said to have legendary healing abilities. Enough to even bring back the dead. But it is just a legend."
"Are you sure?" Simon asked, "They called Bigfoot a legend, and now he's a national attraction!"
"Bigfoot?" Celestia asked.
"Nevermind. Continue with the Golden Horseshoe."
"Well, it was believed to be only a legend, until Howard Carter discovered evidence of the Horseshoe's resurrection abilities. He believes that the legend could exist, somewhere lost in the Wilderness of Equestria. If you could find it, it could bring life to your friend."
Simon was overjoyed at this second chance to save his friend's life. "Where do we start?" He asked.
But that, my friends, is a story for another time.
