Twilight Sparkle is being sent to Ponyville to learn about friendship. She's not happy about it.
Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06
May The Best Pet Win
Dear Princess Celestia,
Oh, would you look at that. Rainbow Dash has apparently figured out that no one likes her, so now she wants a pet to give her unconditional love. Maybe if she stopped being such a cunt and started working on her shitty personality, she could actually make some real friends. But no, she's taking the easy way out and getting a pet. What's worse is she's getting a pet for companionship. Fuck that. I mean, I have an owl to fetch things for me when Fax Machine is being a dick. Fluttershy always has a bunny nearby for emergency Friendship Fires. Applejack has a dog to piss on the cherished belongings of those that make her owner angry. Rarity's cat probably has the best personality out of the bunch, and when Pinkie Pie's alligator grows it's teeth, nopony is gonna screw with her anymore.
So Fluttershy takes Rainbow to her concentration camp, and shows her the best slaves she can get. After breaking into song, and getting the idea for a competition to see which would have the honor of serving this bitch of a Pegasus, Fluttershy took the opportunity to make fun of Rainbow yet again, and entered a turtle into the competition......well I'm gonna call it a fucking TURTLE, Fluttershy. Shut your whore mouth. By the way, don't write that, Fax Machine.
Deciding to humor Fluttershy and letting the turtle into the competition, the contests start, and the various pets demonstrate how well they can worship the ground she walks on. I can't understand why she even made the flamingo a finalist. Maybe because it was hot pink and fabulous and obviously gay like she is. After contests of bitchyness, hipster, and lesbianness, it was time for a death race through Ghastly Gorge. Either she'd figured that the most worthy pet would survive, or she'd grown tired of this idea and was hoping that they'd all die in the race. Well, turns out, if you fly distracted, shit is going to happen. Rainbow got a wing caught in an avalanche, and about four hours later, the turtle comes and saves the day. And it was only about halfway through the race. So we were waiting for four more hours at the finish line, kinda hoping that Rainbow had died somewhere in the gorge. It turns out, we aren't that lucky.
So whoopdy-fuckin'-doo, she decides to keep the turtle – SHUT UP FLUTTERSHY! - names it Tank and straps a helicopter blade to it's shell. You know what you have there? You don't have something cool, you have a fucking TURTLE with a helicopter blade on it! If I were her I'd just train it to retract into it's shell and then toss it at ponies I don't like. I heard if you paint it red it'll home in on the closest pony, and if you paint it blue and put spikes on it, it'll automatically home in on the pony that is succeeding the most in life. Now that's a weapon.
By the way, what the fuck is a 'tank' anyway?
Your former student,
Twilight Sparkle
P.S.- FINE! You want to know why I'm bitchier than usual? I forced Spike to rail me for an HOUR last night, and I still couldn't get off! What the fuck??? He's a baby dragon, that's why his fucking dick is so small!
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Bouncing. Baby. Bunnies. Burning. Brightly.
>> I heard if you paint it red it'll home in on the closest pony
Also it will GO DA FASTAAAA
hilobrow.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/02/joker-clap.gif
Paint it green and throw it out of the window. Wait for a few hours and go fetch your turtle. ???. Profit.
Great letter, as always. Keep it up!
Bravo.
Lol'd
Also, silly Twi. You gotta get with a mare. 'Tis the only way to get off with ponies *nod nod*
DAT Mario Kart Reference
OBLIGATORY LIAM NEESON REFERENCE NO JUTSU!!!!!
chzvideogames.files.wordpress.com/2012/08/video-game-memes-blue-shell-neeson.jpg
Awww still sexualy frustrated Twilight?
"when Pinkie Pie's alligator grows it's teeth"
Should be its teeth. I make this mistake quite often too.
She does have a point about the whole "tortoise" insistence. And I'm not just saying that because "Shut your whore mouth" directed at Fluttershy made me laugh far more then it should have. Though shouldn't it be "whore's mouth," come to think of it?
And you know, Twilight can talk all see wants, and can say that she made Spike have sex with her, but we all know the truth.
(I bloody love that video.)
1456174 You nearly made me fall out of my chair. Congrats.
If what Twilight said was true, why isn't all her crap pissed on and on fire? Nice Mario Kart reference by the way.
You know what? Everything you said here is true!
OMFG!!!!! This shit just gets fuckin better and better!
I think you just contradicted yourself there, Twilight.
I heard if you paint it red it'll home in on the closest pony, and if you paint it blue and put spikes on it, it'll automatically home in on the pony that is succeeding the most in life. Now that's a weapon.
I played MarioKart earlier. My screen name was Sexy Taco (inside joke)
I laughed so hard at the end.
So I take it that any blue shells will home in on Cloud Kicker?
Well, whatever it is, Rainbow doesn't look like one.
1456174
Obviously, it should be 'horse mouth'.
A hilarious look into the dark side of ponydom. Definitely looking forward to more.
That was a great take on Rainbow Dash and how she got her pet turtle.
Um... actually, it's a tor-
SHUT YOUR MOUTH!!! IT'S A TURTLE!!! GOD!!!
I feel so bad for her. I wonder if she'll ever find the release she desires.
Nope. I'll make sure of that, the little bitch.
1456313 Was there ever any competition?
Indeed, what a beautiful weapon.
i.imgur.com/ldiyd.gif
I should hate Twi-bitch for all this abuse towards Fluttershy, but god dammit, why can't I stop laughing!?
Also, brilliant Mario Kart ref, I would give you an internet, but my warehouses full of the things ran out last Tuesday
Well, that evil bunny isn't useful for anything else.
1456184 Suceeded making me fall out of MY chair. :D
Twi actually refers to Fax Machine by name?
Poor Twi, and Fax Machine's tail has that spearhead on the end, so that's out of the question. Er, anyways, another excellent letter! Very interesting and hilarious, as per usual!
Please keep writing, I'll keep reading!
Ah...I'm calling it. Spike wrote that last bit. She NEVER calls him Spike, at least in this.
Edit: Or not. No man would ever willingly insult their own junk. Unless they have either horrible self hatred, or get off on that sort of thing.
scranton.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw2348-sweetiemanlytearsplz.png
1456781 Aw, I was gonna use that.
1456984
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Nice work, although it sounds like Twilight might have been better off trying to use Spike's tail.
"...if you paint it blue and put spikes on it, it'll automatically home in on the pony that is succeeding the most in life. Now that's a weapon."
Keep that thing away from me.
1456070
Look how far I can slide.
1457541
Talk about eye candy!
Well... I'm safe, then. *sigh*
And now for an intermission letter from Twilight in jail.
I was sipping my tea at the time, and some of it landed on the screen.
Twilight has the worst luck trying to find a guy.
img-cache.cdn.gaiaonline.com/a6f09f3d083488c6237f5312fcfa312e/http://i126.photobucket.com/albums/p116/family_first14/TUMBLR%20MEME/HAPPYCRYINGFACE.png
This fic!
1458073
Twilight gets bitchy --> ponies avoid Twilight --> Twilight has no love life --> Twilight gets sexually frustrated --> Twilight gets bitchy
This could turn real bad real soon
There's only one solution. I have to fuck Twilight Sparkle.
Okay...
I need to see what she says about Mysterious Mare-Do-Well.
And excuuuuuuuse you, Twilight.
1459266 Still trying to decide if that'll be Twilight or Rainbow.
This chapter was brilliant.
"I heard if you paint it red it'll home in on the closest pony, and if you paint it blue and put spikes on it, it'll automatically home in on the pony that is succeeding the most in life. Now that's a weapon."
i46.tinypic.com/2z6rrx1.jpg
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Hahahaha this is probably one of the best so far!
1459739 And again, I wrote this one this morning on a whim within 20 minutes.
1456174 Don't you mean *looks left and right* "horse mouth"? What do you mean you don't get it? *walks away while muttering under breath* Everyone's a bloody critic these days...
1460748 Oh quit horsing around.
Quickly Spike! See if you can get rid of Twilight forever by sueing with charges of pedophilia or something!