Thank you for the fav on The Dark Ones and Of Xenos and War! I'd appreciate it if you'd leave me a like and some feedback in the comments!

Well, my stories have disappeared! Don't worry! I'm starting anew from scratch!

1641359 Thank you so much!

Your story's looking pretty good so far. However, I've noticed a few mistakes throughout your story. The first thing that I should point out is there are quite a bit of run-on sentences in your story. Note that adding commas doesn't always help keep that from happening. For example, your sentence:

"Indeed! It was Sunday, the only day Navin could sleep in, and when he passed by the kitchen, an apple strudel awaited him for all the work he had accomplished in the field throughout the week." is a run-on sentence- it goes on for too long. It can be fixed like this:

"Indeed! It was Sunday - the only day Navin could sleep in. When he passed by the kitchen, an apple strudel for him for all the work he had accomplished in the field throughout the week." Notice how I picked a good spot to chop the sentence in two! Also, you spelt 'indeed' wrong in the story.

With that being said, a lot of grammar errors were made, such as not capitalizing 'I', forgetting to capitalize words that began dialogue, misspelled words, etc.

My last bit of criticism is you don't really use the whole 'show-not-tell' principle in your story. I feel you could've described some things in your story in much more interesting ways, such as using various figurative language, using more vivid vocabulary, or describing things with a bit more detail. Here are some ideas on how to spice up some of your sentences in your story,

"...stood strongly under the gray skies above" becomes "... stood robustly under the blanket of gray that loomed overhead."

"BOOM! A loud boom was heard from afar and caused a soft tremor that shook the small Earth pony town of Haven." becomes "Boom! A roaring boom was heard from afar; followed by a mild tremor that rocked the town of Haven."

"His coat was a gray color, a black mane, striped with silver hair, hung low over his neck" becomes "His coat was the color of ash. He had a mane as black as the night streaked with silver that hung low over his neck."

I hope this advice is helpful to you! Have a nice day!